#when i was in the ptsd treatment center for like 9 months my therapist had me testing perfumes all the time

[angelmush]

what’s everyone’s fave fall fragrance PLEASE tell me

[forbidden-salt]

Breaking the Silence; My Mental Health Story for Worldwide Suicide Prevention Day

By ForbiddenSalt

9/10/2024

Trigger Warning: This blog post discusses suicidal ideation, depression, and mental health struggles. If you are in a vulnerable state, please read with caution, and know that support is available through resources like 988, friends, and loved ones.

Resources and helpful tools for self and loved ones provided below the fold.

My Story:

Suicide Awareness Day holds a deeply personal meaning for me. For years, I struggled silently with suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety, unsure of how to ask for help or whether I deserved it. Sharing my story now is not just about raising awareness, but about offering hope to anyone who feels the same weight I once carried.

At the age of 13, I began to experience something many people are hesitant to talk about—suicidal ideation. But it wasn’t until I was in college that I truly realized how dangerous those thoughts had become.

I remember one day when I was walking across campus from class to my dorm, lost in thought, and accidentally stepped off the curb without looking. A car was coming toward me. Instinctively, I jumped back, avoiding an accident. But what happened next startled me more than the near-miss. As I stood on the sidewalk, tears welled up, not because I was relieved, not because I was scared—I was upset that my instincts had saved me. I realized I wasn’t crying because I had narrowly avoided getting hit by a car; I was crying because, in that moment, I wanted to be hit. It would have been an "accident"—a way out without me having to act intentionally.

It dawned on me that this was something much more serious than I had admitted to myself.

This wasn’t the first time I had experienced suicidal thoughts, but it was one of the most shocking moments. I knew I needed help. I sought out a counselor at the campus health center and, for a time, tried therapy. When I went home for a break, I spoke to my doctor, and she prescribed me an SSRI. I confided in my family and was met with mixed reactions—some were supportive, while others expressed concerns about the medication, urging me to stop taking it as quickly as possible. This set up an internal battle for me; I began starting and stopping my medication over the next few months, caught between fear and shame; and eventually quit all together.

Suicidal ideation lingered in the back of my mind for years. I wished for a pause button, a way to make the world stop so I could catch my breath and somehow not fall behind. I dreamed of getting hurt or sick enough to be hospitalized, just so I could take a break from life’s demands. But I never let myself act on those thoughts.

It wasn’t until my mid-20s that things got so bad I returned to therapy. This time, it was different. My new therapist helped me understand that I wasn’t “crazy”—I was carrying the weight of childhood trauma and years of struggling to survive. She diagnosed me with complex PTSD, and for the first time, I felt understood. Her support gave me the strength to make significant changes in my life, including moving to a new state.

There, I found another therapist who continued to guide me through the ups and downs. I started back on an SSRI and have stayed on it ever since. Through this process, I realized that what I had been dealing with wasn’t just emotional—it was also biological. My body wasn’t producing enough serotonin, and my chronic illnesses, were compounding these mental health struggles by denying my body the tools to make its own serotonin and through the weight of the symptoms. Especially for a while before there was any answer or treatment plan in sight.

I went through EMDR therapy, talk therapy, and put in the hard work to heal. I focused on my physical and mental health, fighting for answers and for my life. Slowly, I began to reclaim control. I started to recognize the warning signs of passive suicidal ideation and created an action plan for when those thoughts creep in. I don’t go to therapy as often now, but I still have touch-base appointments in case something changes.

Through this journey, I’ve learned so much about myself and the nature of mental illness. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD were not signs that I was lazy or difficult, though I was often labeled as such. They were symptoms of a much deeper issue. I wish people could see that depression isn’t a mindset or mood and suicidal thoughts are not selfish—they are the final, fatal symptom of a disease.

It took a long time for me to accept that what I went through wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t to blame for the trauma I endured or the way my brain and body responded to it. And if you’re reading this and find yourself in a dark place, I want you to know you are not alone. I know what it’s like to stand in the darkness for so long that it starts to feel like home. But I also know that it is possible to fight back, to heal, and to find hope again.

If you can’t fight for yourself right now, I encourage you to reach out to someone—anyone—who can sit with you in your pain. Let them help you find a therapist, a doctor, or simply help with daily tasks. It might not be the person you expect. For me, one if my company leaders had noticed my depression and helped me find a therapist. I had a best friend who sat with me over the phone while I sobbed broken hearted, encouraging me to seek help if I needed it. That going to the hospital if I needed it wasn’t shameful or weak but brave and admirable. It was my grandmother, who spoke to me daily, reminding me of my faith and offering love when I couldn’t love myself and felt those I loved most didn’t love me.

Faith also played a huge role in my healing. I’ve had my share of questions and anger, but my belief that God could handle my questions and my rage helped me through some of the darkest times. I questioned why my life was going the way it was, why I was feeling the way I did, if He knows everything before it happens, if he’s all powerful why didn’t he step in to change the course of my life away from this. My questions turned to anger and I had to keep reminding myself that God had shoulders big enough for my anger, my tears, my pain. That I could toss all of it at him and he’d still see me still, love me. I never doubted his existence, and honestly to this day I still don’t have all the answers but I’m sure one day I’ll understand and I’ve realized I was still loved even when I couldn’t see it.

My family eventually came around too. Even my dad, who I had thought didn’t believe me, recently admitted how scared he had been for me after he had kept his fears hidden for years since it had gotten bad. We were able to talk and he listened, shared his point of view, and made the effort to understand. He allowed me to assure him I was safe now, I was doing better, and it’s changed our relationship for the better. While I had found my way to stability without knowing if my family believed or supported me, learning my family did care enough to worry, cared enough to learn, and loved me enough to listen even if what I said was hard to hear meant the world to me.

If you’re struggling, know that there is help out there. Call 988 for support, reach out to friends, hug your dog or cat, cling to your faith—whatever gets you through the next moment. Each day is a step, and that’s enough. It doesn’t have to be a leap—it just has to be forward.

Resources for support below:

Here are some coping strategies:

1. Box Breathing: This simple technique can help reduce anxiety. Breathe in for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, and pause for four. Repeat until your heart rate slows and you feel more grounded. You can do this while on a video call too just let your eyes glide along the edges of the screen while you hold and breathe.

2. Straw Breathing: Another great calming tool—take a deep breath in, and then slowly exhale like you’re blowing through a straw. It mimics the relaxing response of the parasympathetic nervous system and helps you focus.

3. Journaling: I started journaling, reminding myself it didn’t have to be perfect. It was just for me. I stopped feeling guilty if I skipped days or weeks and let the words flow when I needed them. If you struggle with journaling, try creating an anonymous blog where you can rant and vent without worrying about dates or continuity. I have a separate Tumblr just for this—a void I can yell into when I need to.

4. Bilateral Stimulation: Butterfly taps—crossing your arms and tapping on opposite shoulders—helped calm me during moments of stress. This was especially useful during EMDR therapy, which became one of my strongest tools.

5. Creating a Routine: I used to go to the gym to cope before my chronic illness made it harder, so I shifted to art as a form of expression. Creating anything—whether it’s a routine or a creative outlet—can make a difference.

6. Boundaries and Emotions: Learning boundaries and reconnecting with my emotions was vital. One book that really changed my perspective was Rage Becomes Her by Soraya Chemaly, which helped me embrace my anger as a valid emotion. Learn how to advocate for yourself and establish boundaries. This takes time, but it’s one of the most empowering things you can do for your mental health.

7. Prioritize Yourself: Make time for what you need—therapy, the gym, a bath, or a doctor’s appointment. And allow yourself to rest. Your mind and body will force you to stop if you keep ignoring the warning signs.

8. Taking Shortcuts: Too tired to make a proper meal? That’s okay. Eat food however it comes—deconstructed meals are all the rage anyway. I’ve had moments where lunch was just handfuls of cheese and lunch meat. The goal is to nourish yourself, and sometimes that means being kind to yourself about how you do it.

10. Create Safety Nets: If you're heading somewhere that could be triggering, plan for it. What’s your exit strategy? Can you bring a comfort item, like a fidget toy, a blanket, or a stuffed animal? Having a plan can give you a sense of control.

11. Redirecting Negative Thoughts: When I get caught in negative thoughts, I ask myself if these thoughts are helping me process emotions or if they're just hurting me. If I’m not ready to process them, I work on redirecting my focus to something more helpful.

13. Emotional Support Animals: If you can, get an emotional support animal. My mini schnauzer has helped me through so much, even though she doesn’t know it.

How can I help a loved one:

1. Listen First: Before jumping to solutions, take time to listen. Validate the person's feelings, and let them process before suggesting how to fix things. Most of the time, they already know the solution; they just need space to work through it.

2. Stop Shaming Mental Health: Be mindful of how you talk about mental health. I’ve overheard loved ones shaming people for being "selfish" or "foolish" for being depressed, anxious, suicidal and even those that did commit suicide not knowing how often it was on my mind. Those words made it even harder to speak up and ask for help.

3. Fear and Guilt Are Not Helpful Tools: Fear and guilt are not effective motivators when it comes to mental health. I once told someone close to me that I didn’t believe people who commit suicide go to hell. Just as someone who passes from cancer doesn’t go to hell for how they died, I believe the same for depression—it’s an illness. They responded that they hoped fear of hell would keep me from acting on those thoughts. I explained that, by the time someone is ready to act, they likely don’t care anymore. The weight of the pain is overwhelming, and fear or guilt won’t pull them back.

4. Recognize the Signs: Suicidal ideation, passive suicidal ideation, and suicidal plans are all dangerous and need treatment and support. It may begin with passive thoughts like, “I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t wake up tomorrow,” but those can shift into active planning if left unchecked. Just because someone hasn’t acted on it doesn’t mean they don’t need help. Depression doesn't always look the same for everyone. It could be messy rooms, low energy, or a lack of interest in things that once brought joy. It could also look like reckless behavior, withdrawing, or joking about death. These subtle signs shouldn’t be brushed off—they’re as important as overt cries for help and worth a check as little as “hey you keep making these jokes, I just want to make sure you really are okay?” If someone is talking about feeling hopeless, giving away possessions, withdrawing from loved ones, or engaging in risky behavior, these are red flags.

5. Offer practical support: Whether it’s helping with daily tasks, providing a ride to a therapy appointment, or just sitting quietly with them, practical support can be a lifeline.

6: Encourage professional help: Gently suggest therapy, medical care, or other professional help if the person hasn’t already sought it. Be patient and compassionate, understanding that reaching out can be terrifying for them.

7. Be present: Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there. Your physical and emotional presence can provide comfort, even when there are no words.

If you have a loved one who you worry is going through something, or has confided in you and you are worried for them. Don’t wait. Speak to them. Ask them how you can help, what’s going on, listen. If you’re afraid for them, even after they have gotten to the other side, don’t let your fears tear at you for months, tell them then listen and trust that when they say they are good, have come out the other side have an action plan for when they notice the signs - belive them. If you can’t let it go still, seek your own support. The fear of loosing someone you care about is worthy of attention. If you’re reading this because someone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts, thank you for caring. Supporting someone with suicidal ideation can be incredibly difficult, but your presence matters more than you might realize.

If you or someone you love is struggling, find Resources for Support:

1. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Dial 988 for immediate help in the U.S. Available 24/7.

2. Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor.

3. The Trevor Project: Focused on supporting LGBTQ+ youth, The Trevor Project offers crisis intervention and suicide prevention services. Text START to 678678 or visit their website.

4. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness): NAMI provides free, confidential support for mental health concerns. Call the NAMI Helpline at 1-800-950-NAMI or text NAMI to 741741.

5. The Jed Foundation: Focused on mental health support for teens and young adults, the Jed Foundation works to protect emotional health and prevent suicide. Visit jedfoundation.org for more information.

6. The Veterans Crisis Line: Veterans and their loved ones can call 988 and press 1 or text 838255 for confidential support. Available 24/7.

Suggestions for Keeping Yourself Safe:

1. Create a safety plan: Write down a plan for when suicidal thoughts occur. This could include calling a trusted friend, therapist, family, distracting yourself with an activity you enjoy, or going to a safe place where you can feel grounded and making an appointment with your doctor.

2. Reach out to a support network: Whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist, let someone know how you’re feeling. It’s important not to isolate yourself when you’re struggling.

3. Remove means: If you’re feeling unsafe, remove items that could be harmful or ask someone you trust to hold onto them temporarily. There is no shame in this ever.

4. Practice grounding techniques: When suicidal thoughts take over, try grounding yourself with techniques like deep breathing, focusing on your senses, or engaging in mindfulness exercises. These can help bring you back to the present moment. Call on your faith if you need to to get by, play with your pet anything to help you get grounded and move through the feeling

5. Remember that feelings pass: In the heat of the moment, it can feel like the pain will last forever. But emotions are temporary, and feelings—even the darkest ones—eventually pass. That feelings are normal and natural and have no moral judgement, feel it, acknowledge it, and let it move through knowing another feeling will come your way take its place.

Recovery isn’t pretty, and life isn’t perfect; but you are worth fighting for.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🥀🖤NEW UPDATED BIO🖤🥀

🥀ιzzу21.i❤️&MissMySonAnthonyMartinez.RIP2KimberlyOlivarez,RIP2JeremyBaraz&IshmaelBaraz.RIPGrandpaHarold.RIPKeraAndrews. RIPJuanTorrez, RIPMamaLisa (One 0f My Foster Parents) RIPDad (Tortured/Abused Me In All Ways),RIPGrandmaSarah (My Mom's Mom) Biromantic-Asexual.Sтαуѕтяσηg.вαттℓєѕcαяz.GOD.TraumaSinceAge4TillJuly2018.Occuring24/7.BяσкєηNDamaged.RIP2Me.Surviver.Vocals&Creator@Br0k3nR0z3z.R3c0v3ry.i❤️M0M.i❤️PeteWentz&Tyler Joseph.Queen0fJupit3r.W3ird.Singer.Actor.Writ3r.2Caring.Ace8ItOut.🥀 UrNotAlone. I make movies,Music,freestyles,vlogs,shows,shortseries/films,I'm here4everyone. my solo musician project."Br0k3n R0z3z".All content on this channel owned by me. MyWattpad Ms_SweetInsanityyx (IWroteABook)

Lyf Beat [Search4 "Surviving My Mind_Tripp2iLL"]

[My Twenty One Pilots Clique Amino Profile: http://aminoapps.com/p/v2eot0

My Username: 🖤Izzy_Is_An_Angel_Too🖤]

💛💛🖤🖤🥀Hi I'm Izzy, Yes I AM A FEMALE THAT IS 10 MONTHS SOBER AND IS A BIROMANTIC ASEXUAL AND I DO NOT DATE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Stay Alive. && Be You, Cuz Your A Somebody. x I'm Here To Change The World, The Universe, && I'm Here To Make A Difference, I wanna save, help, fix, care, be there, support everyone and everything. One Day At A Time, You Matter Your Important, You Have A Purpose, Your Enough, Your Worth It, Your Someone, Don't Let Anyone Dim Your Shine, Remember What Yo Fighting For, Thank You For Existing. I Know Rock Bottom, Hell & Back, Trauma, Pain && Darkness From Top To Bottom, Stay Alive. I Love Helping Others, I Don't Know Who The Hell I Am. But I Am Here. Spread Good Around, Not Evil. Take Care Of Yourselves.🥀🖤🖤💛💛

L0ADiiNG;

██████████████]99%

System Malfunction; Errors: Brain Possession, Sanity Loss, Mind Damage, Overthinking, Too High Maintenance, Loss Of One's Mind, and Killing Of OnesSelf Slowly.

ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

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ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

WARNING: I help everyone and everything obsessively (I am there no matter what, I'm here to be there and help in any way, shape, or form possible. So if you need someone, you can contact me on my socials.)

My 1st Email: crowdgoeswild86@hotmail.com

My 2nd Email: daveycoverdale@gmail.com

🖤💛🥀Okay, let me tell y'all a lil bit about this channel, if you go to the home page of my channel.

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━━━━▣━━◤◢━━▣━━━━━

Yᵒᵘ Oᶰˡʸ Lᶤᵛᵉ Oᶰᶜᵉ

τнänκ чöü♥

๖ۣۜǤнσsτ༻

《ℛιzε》

ℛɨᎮ昇

I'm Already Dead, So Leave Me Be, My Love

.•♫•♬•♬•♫•..•♫•♬•♬•♫•.

.•♫•♬•♬•♫•..•♫•♬•♬•♫•.

"Up All Night, Got No Shuteye

Sick Of Life, Bloodshot Skies

Don't Tell Me Good morning,

Don't Tell Me Good night"-Copyrighted By Me, I Own This Song. Just Get Some Sleep, Okay?

Angelique. Is. Not. My. Name

call me Izzy, that's what I go by.

Ps: Mental Illnesses Are Not A Trend; STOP MAKING THEM TRENDY PEOPLE. It's real fucking shit. Trust NoOne. Haha. I'm the weirdest girl y'all will ever meet.

Don't Judge Anyone/Anything Unless You Have Already Walked In There Shoes. You Know My Name, Not My Story.

I love my mom to death. She also keeps me alive. She's my world.

It's Midnight here. So just stay safe. Goodnight xx

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ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿

ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿

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❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢

❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢

.Got love4the streets and all of you. Stay Up Fam x “If Y0u Talk En0ugh S3nc3 Than Youll Lose Y0ur M!nd” #SilenceIzB3tt3rThanBullsh!t🥀

Hi idk what the fuck I'm doing? xx

Goodnight my amazing lovelies xx

Every Rose Has Its Thorn xx

You Grow Stronger Everyday xx

Izzy, shut the hell up, your being negative again xx

🖤🥀Fake Smiles All Around🥀🖤

🖤🥀It's A Very Very, Mad World🥀🖤

💛🥀Goodbye Reality, Welcome To Dreamland🥀💛

💛🥀Would Y'all Shut Up, Your Disrupting My Train Of Thought🥀💛

🦋🖤Go To Sleep Izzy, Try Again In The Morning🖤🦋

God Is Good, Amen!

Pray For Me, My Love

I Miss You Anthony, My AngelEyez

I Miss You Izzy, Your Not You Anymore

R.I.P xx _ xx Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez xx_xx She's Not Dead Physically.

__Let's Have A Minute In Silence, For The Addict That's Still Suffering__

🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀

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❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢

L0ADiiNG;

██████████████]99%

System Malfunction; Errors: Brain Possession, Sanity Loss, Mind Damage, Overthinking, Too High Maintenance, Loss Of One's Mind, and Killing Of OnesSelf Slowly.

ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

࿇ ══━━━━✥◈✥━━━━══ ࿇

࿇ ══━━━━✥◈✥━━━━══ ࿇

ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

🖤🥀Updated A Lil Part Of My Life Story Summerized🥀🖤

.♪★I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &10 MonthsClean.

♪★My deceased father tortured me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when my dad's torture got worse, (on multiple occasions on our he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr

♪★now I've been homeless 13 times

♪★I rose a 9 year old kid (now 14 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was In an abusive foster home (the same one I was in), so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in

♪★I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away, (under Kimberly's false accusations that I "gave him drugs")

♪★im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.

♪★Jeremy Baraz & Ismhael Baraz, got shot && I saw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well

♪★I was Prostituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused for money for us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live) and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried to st0p her, but I was to late

♪★ I've been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets, Kimberly && many more)

♪★I was in Foster Care a couple times, ×°the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drug addicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one

x°first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents

x° and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide)

♪★I’ve been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital)

♪★lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, ♪★multiple treatment centers

crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times)

♪★2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each)

♪★group homes (Rancho Domocitas), ♪★Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls)

♪★rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others)

♪★shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz)

♪★the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino)

♪★been in car accidents (over 10 times)

♪★i have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade

♪★I’ve attempted suicide over 50 to 100 times

♪★I’ve self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods)

♪★I have bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode).

♪★depression (major depressive disorder).

♪★paranioa.

♪★anxiety.

♪★Buliemia.

♪★insomnia.

♪★Dissociative Identity Fued.

♪★skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ♪★PTSD.

♪★ocd.

♪★attachment disorder.

♪★Autism.

♪★borderline personality.

♪★amnesia.

♪★multiple personality disorder. ♪★anorexia.

♪★&&..i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much)

♪★been 0n all mental Health medication (I mean ALL)

♪★ People Tried To Send

Me To Metropolitan State Hospital(highest level of Care)

♪★IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions

♪★ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship

♪★and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on four occasions (personal reasons)

♪★I’ve never had a stable home since 2011, now on Augest of 2018 I’m finally home

♪★I help others cus im used to people not caring about me

♪★I have trust issues, im always there to help to care to make sure there OK.

[lottes-ocs]

one chapter (first chapter maybe? def towards the beginning though) of my story. i turned it in for a workshop in class (capped at 12 pages double spaced). a note from my workshop document:

“Since this is going to be a longer work, I will likely expand upon Adam’s personal and inner life towards the beginning, so that the breakdown and the subsequent conversation with Ezra don’t feel as sudden. I will definitely add more documents like the emails, maybe therapist’s notes or text messages, and I might play around with POV in some later chapters, however, my plan is for Adam to be the primary narrator throughout.”

also lmk if i get anything egregiously wrong. i do have ptsd myself, but i also consulted 2 of my schizophrenic friends to make sure i didn’t include any details that would conflict with that and also to get details about antipsychotics correct

tw for suicide mentions, mental illness, unreality, some graphic imagery.

[January 21st, 2019 // 9:00 AM] Since I got discharged from the hospital last month, I’ve been grateful to live alone. Granted, it makes the paranoia worse, but I’m the only one who needs to know how often I’ve tried to talk to shadows or woken up yelling at the void. And I’m the only one who needs to know that I, a 30-year-old man, have been sleeping with a nightlight. But look, when my room is completely dark, mirages of my father and Dr. Wronski appear in the corner with their faces peeled off like in an autopsy and they won’t stop apologizing. I tell them I forgive them and they double down, I offer them solace and they weep with guilt, I articulate my own guilt and they articulate what it feels like to die. Only the nightlight makes them go away. Does that all sound stupid? Sure it does, but it feels a lot less stupid when I just need some sleep after another day trying to balance crushing grief with debilitating mental illness with my normal-person job, teaching abnormal psychology. Classes have been back in session since last week, so for a week, I’ve felt like a fish teaching marine biology. Or something out of Mariana’s trench. Ezra walks into my office, looking just a little too put-together for the workday (as usual), perfectly-tailored pants, perfectly ironed shirt, and perfectly styled curls, and snaps me out of my self-pitying daze by setting down a large stack of papers on his desk next to mine. “The anxiety essays,” he says with an imperious sigh. “Was I this dumb in undergrad?” “Probably not,” I say. “You were a little older than them.” “And I actually had anxiety.” He’s made a point of bringing up his own issues since I got back. I think he’s doing it so I don’t feel embarrassed or isolated, but he does love to talk about himself regardless, and besides, the support of one grad student doesn’t outweigh the nastiness of some of the higher-ups. “Do you have any new bits, Ezra?” I try to change the subject to his comedy (he does standup on the side, and I hear he’s not bad). “Eh, nothing good. You look tired.” He brushes me off with forced nonchalance. “I’ve had plenty of work to catch up on.” There’s actually no reason that he should know why I was gone, it’s my business, but he definitely does. Everyone does. I work in the psych department, so the people here know what it means when someone’s witnessed the death of their mentor and is subsequently out for a month with no further explanation than “illness.” “Have you, uh…” he clicks his tongue in thought. “Did you drink coffee this morning?” I nod with an exasperated smile. “Well, y’know, the Keurig’s in the lounge if you need it. And I’m in 522 most of today if you need help. Catching up on work, or whatever.” He drums casually on the doorframe, shoots me finger-guns, and heads down the hall. I like Ezra. He’s my TA now, but we were both in grad school working towards our doctorates together, up until last spring, when I received mine. We’re the same age, and he’s definitely smarter than me (as he is most people), he just started college late. I think it’s very sweet of him not to be a condescending dick to me (I seem to be a popular target for condescending dicks lately) especially because Ezra can muster up a dangerous amount of condescending dickishness when he feels the need. However, I process absolutely none of what he said. I was listening, I was trying to listen anyway, but my head’s not working right, not right now. I really didn’t get enough sleep. It’s a vicious cycle. The hallucinations and intrusive thoughts keep me up, the lack of sleep worsens the severity of the hallucinations and intrusive thoughts. In fact, since I arrived at work forty-five minutes ago, I have kept a mental tally: Sudden and overwhelming urge to stab myself: 3 instances. Sudden and overwhelming urge to stab Dr. Carlisle for looking at me weird: 2 instances (fuck off, it’s not like I’m going to act on it). Sudden and overwhelming urge to break down crying: 45 instances. Rats underneath my desk: Yeah, I don’t know, I called maintenance and they told me they’re fake, so I guess they’re fake, even though I can see them. Hanging woman in the back corner of my office: Don’t mind her, she’ll be gone within the hour. I’ll be sorry to see her go, though. A sense of unreality is creeping in. I try to keep Dr. Beauchamp’s voice in my head, “if there shouldn’t be any real dead people in the room, there are almost definitely no real dead people in the room.” Well, there was that one time, you asshole. No, fuck it, there are almost definitely no real dead people in the room. I reach into my briefcase, desperate for the pill bottle, because I know my thoughts are going to turn into alphabet soup if I don’t do something soon. I split a Clozaril tablet in half and swallow it hastily. I am not supposed to split it in half, and I am not supposed to take more than one dose in a span of 24 hours, and I have a Ph.D. in psychology, obviously I know I’m lowering the efficacy in the long term and increasing my risk of side effects. But at this point, let me die of agranulocytosis if that’s what I’ve got coming. I’ll be out of a job and wasting eleven years of higher education if this shit doesn’t stop. Maybe that isn’t true. It feels true. Maybe it isn’t.

[January 21st, 2019 // 1:30 PM] FROM: Dr. Raymond Carlisle TO: Dr. Adam Collins SUBJECT: Checking in.

Dr. Collins, I sincerely hope all is well. I received word that you cancelled a lecture today. I need hardly tell you that you just had a month off for Winter Break, and two weeks before that for the beginning of your hospitalization. I hardly think an even further extended reprieve from your work is fair, and if you genuinely do, that’s a conversation we need to have. To be frank, Dr. Herrmann and I feel it is irresponsible to allow someone in your condition to continue to work, in the field of psychology no less. Though I do not at all doubt the competence of our colleagues at the medical center, nor your mental facilities, I feel compelled to let you know that if your psychological state continues to cause issues with your work the department might require you to take a leave of absence. While I hope your treatment plan begins to work to its full effect soon, your own safety and the integrity of this department are top priority.

Best wishes, truly,

Dr. Raymond Carlisle Head Professor, Psychology (555) 555-5555

My hands tremble with anger (and hopefully not tardive dyskinesia) as I type my reply.

FROM: Dr. Adam Collins TO: Dr. Raymond Carlisle SUBJECT: Re: Checking In

Dr. Carlisle, all is as well as it possibly can be needs to be. I don’t respect you as a colleague and I believe your total comfort in your new position, which I need hardly remind you is Dr. Wronski’s old position, is quite frankly borderline disrespectful.  If it’s irresponsible for someone in “my condition” to continue to work then why do you give a shit if I cancel my lectures? Leave me the fuck alone or I’ll mention you by name in my suicide note.   At the moment, it is difficult for me walk by Dr. Wronski’s old office, which I have to do to get to 525 (where that lecture is held). Could I request a change of   I was having a panic attack you absolute dick how are YOU allowed to continue to work in the field of psychology when you have NO compassion My new medication has occasionally been making me sick. That issue should be resolved either way after I meet with my psychiatrist next week.

Thank you for your concern, Dr. Adam Collins Department of Psychology

[January 22nd, 2019 // 10:30 AM] I think back to our last faculty meeting, at least my last faculty meeting, in November. It does feel like a while ago, and it’s hard to fathom that Dr. Wronski was still here then. It gets easier to fathom when Dr. Carlisle comes in and takes his seat at the head of the conference table, simply because of how wrong that is. I picture her there instead, how things are supposed to be, how it should have been. I think about how someone should have helped her when they still could have. I really picture her there instead for a moment, her image replacing Carlisle’s. I blink once and she’s gone, and he’s back. As he starts talking, though, I feel a tap on my shoulder and see her behind me for a split second, ephemeral and transparent like the dots in a grid illusion, then she walks away and disappears. My whole body is left feeling cold, sharp, and jolted, as if I fell on a blade without expecting to. I’m filled with dread as I realize Carlisle’s words are simultaneously turning to nonsense and growing louder in my ears, and a high, harsh noise like microphone feedback intertwines itself with his voice. Dr. Wronski reappears in his place again, but she is lifeless this time, blood pooling from her head like it was when I found her, circling her hair in a grim halo. Her eyes are clouded with even more film, her mouth is agape, and I can feel my breathing grow rapid. I squeeze my eyes shut. I know I am in the middle of a meeting; I will not fall apart like this in the middle of a meeting, not when my “mental facilities” are already being called into question. I pinch myself, internally repeating “there are no real dead people here, there are no real dead people here, there are no real dead people here—” “Dr. Collins, are you with us?” Dr. Hermann’s voice pierces through my mantra, entirely unfriendly, entirely accusatory, despite the faux-sweetness she is trying to summon. “Yes.” My voice sounds thin and weak, and blood rushes to my face. I shut my eyes again, since I feel tears prickling at the corners of them. Not fucking here, Jesus Christ, not fucking here, I think to myself. Then I think again about my last meeting, the old hierarchy, the time when I fell asleep at one of these in October after a particularly long night and Dr. Wronski just pulled me aside afterwards and asked if I was okay, and if there was anything she could do. And now the image of her corpse won’t leave my head. It overwhelms me. I don’t see her in the room anymore, but I might as well be back in her office when I first found her body, the first time in my life I had ever truly hoped that I was only seeing a figment of my imagination. The gun in her hand— I try to think of anything else. Anything to keep it at bay. I click my pen repeatedly (Carlisle asks me to stop), I scratch at my wrists and pull at my skin, anything to shift my focus to anything else. Nothing is working. The lump in my throat grows. My heartbeat gets faster, my chest starts to hurt, and suddenly I can smell the blood and rot that permeated the room that night, and I am helpless to stop it— Someone grabs me. I look up to see every eye in the room on me. I can’t breathe, I can’t speak, and I realize I’m in the middle of this meeting, crying and having a full-on panic attack, surrounded by people who already think I’m a headcase. I am sobbing and shaking and unable to steady my breathing and to them it seems completely unprompted at best, and at worst, it seems like it’s because Hermann and Carlisle snapped at me. And even in the midst of my abject humiliation, the image of Dr. Wronski lying in a pool of her own blood is still in my head, still absolutely fucking killing me, and I couldn’t calm down if I tried. I get up and walk out. That’s what fucking happens when I’m forced to try to power through episodes. I could care less what Carlisle does to me right now, I will not stay in there and continue to look like an emotionally unstable baby in front of my colleagues. I go to finish up my breakdown in the privacy of my office, catching a glimpse of myself in a window on the way and hating myself even more at the sight of my own disheveled hair and bright red, tear-streaked face. I sit down and hide underneath my desk, pop another half-a-Clozaril tablet that I try not to choke back up (I’m still hyperventilating so hard I could vomit), and bury my face in my arms. “Adam?” I look up. “Ezra.” I am barely composed, still hyperventilating, swiping at my eyes furiously and futilely. I look away, and I hope maybe he’ll think I’m just sick. I expect him to walk away, pretend that he never saw me like this and just silently let it color his perception of me. But he comes and sits down next to me underneath the desk. I don’t know what to say. “Do you want me to go?” he asks, after a moment. “You don’t have to.” I don’t want to admit it, but I don’t really want him to. Nobody else is this understanding with me anymore. I keep trying to collect myself, barely noticing at first when he puts his hand on my shoulder. “Do you need anything?” I shake my head, still not making eye contact. Theoretically, I’m getting the help I need, and maybe I do need the support of a friend right now too, but I don’t want to trouble him. Besides, I must look pathetic, cowering under a table and weeping, almost comically vulnerable. Hm. “Ezra,” I turn to him, finally, after a few more minutes of whimpering. I know my eyes look crazy, bloodshot to hell. “Can you take me to a mic?” “A mic?” “Yes. A standup mic. I want to see what it’s like.” “Really?” he smirks. “Yes, why not?” I can’t think of the last time I laughed, at least not genuinely. I can’t think of the last time I let myself. My self-loathing has become entirely unfunny, my psyche and my job both absolute nightmares, not to mention the actual nightmares—I need something light. Something just a little bit light. “You would… enjoy that?” “Yeah.” It makes me sad that he seems surprised, though I can’t blame him. I’ve been awfully serious, not even just for the past week or month, but probably since my dad died last spring. He reads my disappointment. “Sorry, Adam, I just… do you like comedy?” “I don’t know. My therapist laughs at my jokes sometimes.” He smiles at that, and I smile too, through dissipating tears. “Well, if you really want to, yeah. The next one is Thursday night.” I nod and take a deep breath. I realize Ezra hasn’t taken his hand off my shoulder, and he is absent-mindedly rubbing circles into my back. Maybe it’s stupid, but I stay as still as I can. I don’t want him to notice that he’s doing it and stop. “Is everyone there funny?” I ask, just to keep his focus. It’s a dumb question. I rephrase myself, “How funny is everyone?” He exhales a chuckle. “Honestly? About thirty people go up every night, sometimes more. They’re mostly shit. Don’t worry, though, there’s plenty to laugh at with the shitty ones.” He proceeds to tell me about the guys who show up high every time and just get up on stage and talk about nonsense (or weed itself) for 5 minutes, the wannabe Dangerfields and Seinfelds and Mulaneys who “never actually managed to glean what joke structure is” (though to be fair, It’s not like I have either), even the bigoted old men still trying with unflinching determination to resurrect “get back in the kitchen” jokes. I am losing myself in his stories, feeling at least marginally more relaxed, when Carlisle appears in my doorway. Ezra takes his hand off my back. Carlisle glances at us with confusion and disgust. “Dr. Collins, if you would please… get up and come see me in my office.” “We’re actually grading papers right now,” Ezra shoots back, in a tone of voice that says “yes, I think you’re stupid.” “Take a break, please,” Carlisle replies, glaring and exiting. I look hesitantly at Ezra, before getting up to follow him. “I do want to come,” I say. “To a mic.” “We’ll talk more later. I should still be here after you’re done facing the wrath of god.” I know I’m about to get chewed out to an extreme degree. Still, I can’t help but grin back at him.

[ironheart-stony]

Novel Length | Stony Fic Recs

Long chaptered fics with delicious slow burn and world building. 

Last updated 4/2/2017. THERE’S MORE LONG FIC RECS - Part 2 IS HERE 

Fics over 50k words.

My Son, My Sun by Wordsplat | T | 70k | superfamily

Just before the events of Iron Man, a baby is left on Tony's doorstep. He wants nothing to do with it at first, but his time in Afghanistan changes his mind and Tony vows to become a better man for his son's sake.

I (created from fantasies) exist solely for you by Mizzy | T | 62k | comicbook office!au

Six years ago, without the Avengers Initiative there to save the day, scientist Dr. Eric Selvig sacrificed himself to save the world, the almighty demi-god Thor was lost to a terrible storm, and vigilante Iron Man – spotted with a nuclear weapon trying to take advantage of the situation – was forever labelled an enemy of SHIELD.

This is a comic book office AU, where Steve is defrosted a year too late, Thor has forgotten who he is, and no one knows Tony is Iron Man.

Also includes: office pranks, inappropriate post-it notes, and superheroes who like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain

The Ghosts of War by scifigrl47 | M | 60k | historical!AU

Steven Rogers never wanted to be king, but he knows his duty, and he does it well. Lord Tony Stark, the king's appointed consort, does his duty as well, even though he'd enjoy his duty more if it actually involved sleeping with the king. As it doesn't, he's just resigned. The war that made Steve king and cost him nearly everything may be over, but a meeting of old enemies might stir up some ghosts none of them are prepared for.

Truth Behind Masks by scifigrl47 | M | 98k | identity porn

Steve Rogers has plenty of friends. He just doesn't know two of them are the same man.

That's just how Tony Stark/Iron Man likes it. Until he comes to regret it.

One More Troubled Soul ♥ by sara_holmes | various | 61k | wintersoldier!steve

And Tony realizes that working out who the Winter Soldier used to be and who he is now are two entirely different things.

Slipping off the Page into Your Hands by Sineala | E | 68k | soulmates!au

Soulmates have their first words to each other written on their wrists. This should make it easy. For Steve and Tony, it is anything but. Steve's problem is that the future he has awoken into is nothing he was ever expecting: he has a soulmate now. Who might be a robot. And if his soulmate is Iron Man, how can he be so attracted to Tony Stark? It should be impossible. Tony's problem is that he is Iron Man, his soulmate is a man whom he in no way deserves, and he is going to fight everything in his heart and do his best to make sure Steve never, ever finds out the whole truth.

I wanted to fix this (but couldn't stop from tearing it down) by missbecky | E | 50K

A visit from a Reed Richards from a parallel world convinces Tony and Steve that they must do whatever they can to prevent their world from falling into Civil War. They can save the world…but at what cost to themselves?

Like Coming Home by missbecky | M | 75K | universe crossover, 616

After a tragic accident, Steve is given a chance to go back in time and deliver a warning to Tony in the hope of avoiding their fate. Something's gone wrong, though, because this is not his world he's ended up in. And that is definitely not his Tony who's planning to delete his own brain.

Sometimes your second chance isn't at all what you were expecting.

Stay With Me (home is where your mind is.) ♥ by sara_holmes | M | 67k | multiverse

Where Steve doesn’t quite die, ends up stranded in the multiverse and would quite like to know how the hell so many versions of himself ended up sleeping with Tony Stark. Well, that’s going to make things a tad awkward when he gets home.

Relativistic Heat Conduction ♥ by BlossomsintheMist | E | 69k | AOU, H/C

Age of Ultron-based, but not entirely canon compliant. Written for the 2013 Cap-Iron Man Reverse Big Bang. Ultron has attacked, obliterating most of the world's superheroes and resistance in a matter of hours. The remaining heroes band together and share what strength they have to get through it, to survive, and defeat Ultron once and for all. Steve Rogers grieves in the wake of the disaster and the heroes' defeat, and no one knows if he will be able to provide the leadership they need--but Tony Stark isn't about to let him slip away that easily.

If We Never Got This Second Chance ♥ by Pookaseraph | M | 50k | time travel, superfamily

When Tony and Steve’s son from the future, Jake Jensen, arrives at Avenger’s Tower, the two of them are forced to confront some hard truths: Tony that he might not actually become a horrible father, and Steve that he might not be able to set aside his discomfort with sharing a child with another man. When they both get a second chance at a first try at fatherhood, it’s up to the two of them to learn from their own future's past.

His Fate Will Be Unlearned by scifigrl47 | M | 94k | canon divergence

Tony Stark spent his childhood making weapons, filling the hole his father left in the world when he succumbed to alcohol, grief, and his own demons. At the age of fifteen, he ran away from home, and made it as far as MIT before all of his responsibilities caught up to him. Now seventeen, he just wants to finish his degree and escape from everything connected to the Stark name.

Steve Rogers crashed into the icy North Atlantic in the 1940's, sacrificing himself to save the world. He never expected to wake up, and now that he has, he's not sure he's glad. The US Army has other plans for him, but for now, Steve is slowly learning to live life in the 21st century, and taking classes at Boston College. He's beginning to suspect that there is no escape.

Boston College is on the T's Green Line. MIT is on the Red. The two lines meet at the Park Street Station, and so will Steve and Tony.

This time tomorrow (where were we?) by dorcas_gustine | E | 85k | Marvel 616

Tony goes to see Wanda, and suddenly Steve is alive and there are Skrulls! Or maybe Tony is just going crazy. Nothing happens in this fic, until the very end. Seriously. There's a lot of talking, mostly at inopportune moments, Tony's views on the acceptable gifts to give people are slightly different from everyone else's and he spends more time than would seem necessary being (half-)naked. What else is new?

And We Are Giants by CapsicleRogers | M | 68k | pacificrim!au

When Captain Steve Rogers wakes from an injury-induced coma, a lot has changed in the battle against the Kaiju. There are new Jaegers with new pilots, new advances in the study of the beasts, even new rules in the Shatterdome. It’s starting to seem like they’re finally ready to defeat the monsters once and for all, but first Steve must learn to get along with his new team of pilots. Especially the troublesome Tony Stark, who’s proving to be harder to deal with than the Kaiju problem itself.

Upon Waking by Winterstar  | E | 80k | serious injury, PTSD, angst

A story of recovery. In a world without superheroes, Tony Stark, the disinherited son of a billionaire, goes to Afghanistan as an embedded media star, only to be held hostage for months until he’s rescued. During his recovery, his therapist Doctor Bruce Banner prescribes an unusual treatment; volunteer work at a rehab center. He meets an eclectic assembled group including a vet who thinks he’s Thor, a physical therapist who might be a spy, and an all American hero, Steve Rogers. It is Steve Rogers, the soldier in a coma, who captures his interest and, eventually, his heart.

Fics over 100k words

Say When Verse ♥ series (9 works) by ann2who | E | 328k | MCU

A series rewriting MCU verse, beginning with an alternate version of Iron Man 2, in which, instead of Natasha, Steve got assigned to help Tony while the genius was slowly dying of Palladium poisoning. Continues there in unfolding Steve's and Tony's journey through acceptance, trust, and eventually love.

In Which Tony Stark Builds Himself Some Friends (But His Family Was Assigned by Nick Fury)  ♥ series (7 works) by scifigrl47 | various | 343k | MCU

Steve takes things like personal responsibility and respect seriously. Tony's got people he pays to take care of that kind of thing, and anyway, he's pretty sure that he's going to die of some exotic disease in his workshop, because Dummy's still a little spotty about what is 'clean' enough to put on an open wound. The rest of the Avengers are in this for personal gain, except for Clint, he just enjoys being a dick.And some things shouldn't be a chore.

Blue Lips, Blue Veins by romanoff | E | 300k | growing up, friends to lovers, slowburn

Tony Stark is Iron Man.

Before that, he was an man with bigger heart than brain. Before that, he was an asshole with a bigger mouth than sense. And before that, he was was a scared little boy. Not that it matters. Stark's always have had iron in their backbone.

Will of Iron, Heart of Glass ♥  series (3 works) | M | 104k | AI!tony

Tony has been held by Stane since his escape from Afghani terrorists, marked dead in the eyes of the world while Stane is free to use his mind, inventions, and company as he sees fit. Tony feels there's nothing he can do and has resigned himself to death to save those he loves. That would be when JARVIS lets Captain America stumble into his old lab.

Steve has been wandering Avengers Mansion in the steps of a ghost, seeing empty spaces, and recurring oddities that mean nothing to anyone but him. He doesn't know who left them, or why the ghost lingers. It isn't even until he enters a dusty lab that things start to fall into place as he meets Anthony, a computer program named for its creator Anthony Stark.

Deep in the Heart of Me ♥ by Finely Honed (jaqen_hgar) | E | 257k | modern/non-power!au, ptsd, parent!steve

There were days when the realization that he was someone’s father made Steve's head hurt, but mostly he was grateful that he could trust his instincts, because apparently Peter was what had been missing from his life. Yes, he still had lingering, unresolved issues from his time in the Army, and sure, he had what Bucky annoyingly referred to as a criminally untapped ass, and no life outside of work and Peter, but Steve was okay with how his life had turned out because of trusting his instincts.

Unfortunately, those same instincts had straight up betrayed him by going absolutely haywire upon being exposed to Tony Stark.

A Higher Form of War ♥ by sabrecmc | M | 292k | historical/royalty!au

Tony is a King with a surprising number of people out to kill him. Steve and the rest of the Avengers are fighting for Pierce's rebellion and end up with Tony as their prisoner. Oops.

Basically one of those bodice-ripping romance novels I don't read (ahem) but with far more gay.

The Captain and His Courtesan by Winterstar | E | 189k | space au

A story of revolution.Captain Steve Rogers is just trying to pay off his debt to SHIELD, carting cargo from the Rim worlds to the Inner Belts in his bucket of bolts ship, the Howling Commando. He keeps a low profile and makes sure his crew is safe and happy. But the universe has a different plan for the once highly decorated Captain of the Honor Guard. The universe drops a Courtesan by the name of Tony Stark into his life. The Captain doesn't like it, but Bucky convinces him that providing transport to the most elusive Courtesan in the Guild could be their ticket to freedom. His crew from the engineer with anger management issues to the pilot who may be a beautiful but deadly assassin wants him to take the commission. What ends up being a simple commission puts his crew in jeopardy and could change all of humanity, because the Courtesan is not really just a pretty face and the Captain of the Honor Guard can fall in love far too easily with a man of conviction - and Tony Stark is a man of conviction.

Newborn series by Ilerre | M | 109k | infidelity, body modification, read all warnings

It all started when they stopped trusting each other.

Power and Paradox by The_Kinky_Pet | E | 221k - WIP | MCU set in BDSM verse

“Billionaire, genius, engineer, philanthropist, submissive.  Yeah, submissive.  Any questions?”

OR

Yet another BDSM-AU.  

The Limitations of Wax ♥ by RayShippouUchiha | M | 175k - WIP | MCU with fem!toni

So Jarvis is the one who pulls her up onto her feet, presses a tool into one hand and a book into the other and tells her to create. Tells her that if the numbers and the shapes and images in her mind hurt so bad then she should build them, should give them form so that they can finally leave her alone.

Jarvis is the one who finally teaches her how to breathe.

Or

Toni Stark grows up with the tale of Icarus swirling in the back of her mind. Instead of taking it as a precautionary tale about hubris and overreaching she decides it's more about the limitations of wax.

Years later when she builds herself wings of her own she makes sure to build them out of better material.

Go Ugly Early by just_another_tinker | E | 156k - WIP | mob!au

He’s The Captain?

This was not good. This was so not good.

There were theories of course, of what The Captain would look like. Most followed the typical Hollywoodesque belief that he was some version of the Godfather, sitting in a dark room with a cigar, commanding his forces with a flick of his wrist. There were even some that even thought that The Captain was not one person, but a whole network of people with eyes and ears everywhere.

The blonde Adonis in front of him was definitely not what Tony was expecting.

Of course, in the end it didn’t matter.

There was a reason no one knew what The Captain looked like.

Because anyone who saw his face never lived to tell the tale.

Sins of Omission by Kiyaar | E | 155k - WIP | dark, torture, skrulls (be warned: this hasn’t been updated since 2013)

A Post-Civil War, Pre-Secret Invasion AU where Steve is dead, Tony's a mess, and everything sucks.

In which Tony deals poorly with Steve's death, falls off the wagon, sees ghosts, and misses a lot.

Oh, and the Skrulls are about to invade.

Indelible ♥ by Penumbren | various | 104k | dimension travel - marvel noir/616

When an experiment goes awry, Tony thinks he may have found an answer to his problems and Steve faces something he's been avoiding for a very long time.

Pulse, Beat, and Measure ♥ by Sineala | E | 134k | hero worship, marvel noir/616

Two men. Two worlds. Life during wartime. 

Holding Out for a Hero ♥ by Wordsplat | T | 100k | medieval au

When Tony was a prince and Steve was his manservant, they were young and reckless and hopelessly in love. But an attack on Tony's life convinces Steve that he can't protect Tony, so he leaves in the dead of night to train until he can. Ten years later, Steve returns to the kingdom a strong and able knight, but his king is both furious and broken-hearted. 

Proof Positive by MegaraNoelle | T | 362k | superfamily, getting together

Tony is no stranger to paternity claims from his female conquests, there's a system in place for them. But when one of the tests actually comes back positive, he makes a rash decision to not tell anyone about it, not even Pepper Potts. All Mary Parker wants is for Tony to spend a little time with their son. Tony has a lot to think about in his life now, how he wants to run his company, how his life is going to change with the arc reactor, and what he's going to do about his son, Peter. Then, the Avengers Initiative pops up, and in waltzes his childhood hero, and enemy, Captain America.

It's All in the Mind (14 works) by inukagome15 | T | 332k | MCU verse mutant!tony

The adventures of Tony as a mutant; how he learned to accept himself and his subsequent growth into his own. Hijinks ensue.

[rheasunshine]

Greetings fellow travelers,

I hope that wherever you’re reading this from, you are safe.

I haven’t been safe in awhile.

Yes, I have a roof over my head. (A new, expensive one at that; first year home-ownership can be stressful).

Yes, I have food and water.  (Well, sometimes there’s food – usually the fridge is empty-ish and even when it’s not, I’m not really into eating it.)  This fact alone makes me safer than millions and millions of people.

I am – generally speaking – not in danger.

Except last week.  Last week,  I was in a lot of danger.  And it wasn’t the first time.

It comes as no surprise to anyone following my story that as a “Professional Patient” I spend most of my days balancing doctors appointments and symptom-tracking and medications. To be honest (and you should always be honest, right Justin?), I’ve been doing a truly shitty job managing my illnesses.  It starts simply enough – one bad day.  That bad day leads to two, and by then I’ve decided nothing I could do matters and I let go of the controls.  Sounds healthy, right?

So a couple of weeks ago, as I was juggling my annual OBGYN visit, IUD discussions, a urology referral, a visit to UNC to discuss my constant nausea and further testing, a mammogram, vision testing for new glasses and contacts (and WAY more money than we have), my therapy visits and then 3 or 4 “normal” appointments, I kind of lost my mind.

The thing is, it wasn’t even beyond the scope of normal; that’s a pretty average week in my life.  Where things started to go sideways was in the creeping, slinking, insidious feeling that an MS relapse – or something worse – was coming on.  I’ve described this enough times that I feel we are all comfortable with what this looks like, so I’ll just summarize by saying that at this point in the story I was no longer in control of my motions, thoughts, words or feelings.

When Thommy and I went on our annual wedding anniversary trip in early October, we spent most of our time playing the previously referred to “ER or nah??” game.  I didn’t want to go to an ER out of state (we were in Tennessee) so we just assumed the worst was yet to come and tried to enjoy what we could of the Smokey Mountains.  BUT, because my brain wasn’t working properly, I forgot to pack both my cane AND my handicap placard, so we weren’t able to do much sightseeing or exploring.  In fact, we barely left the condo.  Since we’ve been married for 9 years, and together for 13, we don’t need a lot of special attractions to enjoy a trip; just being in each others’ presence is special enough.

At the Tennessee Welcome Center

So let’s catch up: we got home, the symptoms got way worse, and on Friday, October 27th, I went again to see my primary care doctor.  He took an X-Ray of my neck first to see if that could explain some of the symptoms.  Luckily, it did a little – I now have 3 herniated discs and something wrong with the curvature of my spine – and had we not had more pressing issues he said we would be discussing physical therapy, cortisone shots and possibly surgery – but since I couldn’t feel my leg or finish a complete sentence, we had bigger problems.

  He sent me over to the hospital as a direct admit. He assured me they would give me sedatives before the MRI of my brain, thoracic and cervical spine (a 2 hour procedure), but the hospital was experiencing a severe shortage of IV Valium so they gave me Ativan instead, and it did nothing, except possibly make me MORE agitated.  Over the course of my stay they tried 7 IVs.  2 blew.  One nurse cried and I did everything I could to convince her it was me, not her.

It is now Sunday, November 5th and it hurts just to type this.  But what I want to say is important; I was diagnosed as having another MS flare.

After 3 MS medications THIS YEAR ALONE.

After the hell of Ocrevus JUST TWO MONTHS AGO.

The reason MS patients put up with all the bullshit is to STAY OUT of relapses.  I tortured myself all year just to end up here anyway.  And that’s JUST the MS – never mind everything else in my body hatching plans against me.

So.  They prescribe 3 days of IV steroids (WHY, GOD, WHY?), fluids and pain management. Fine. I’m pissed but I can do this.  What’s 3 more days in the hospital?  I am safe.

Except.

Except…

I can’t do it.  I am not safe.

A psychiatrist comes to talk to me on the day of discharge.  “Are you safe at home?”

(Mental checklist: roof, food, check.)

“Yes.”

“OK,” she says, “do you have thoughts of hurting yourself or others?”

Let’s do the easy one first.  Do I want to hurt others? Like this guy – this guy here who SLEPT IN A CHAIR FOR 3 DAYS AND BARELY LEFT MY SIDE AND DECKED OUT OUR ROOM IN PENN STATE STUFF FOR THE GAME DESPITE THE FACT THAT I KEEP YELLING AT HIM AND CRY INCOHERENTLY??  No.  No, I do not want to hurt him.

(Well, I didn’t.  But now that I’m at home, in pain, miserable and riding steroid rage, ummmm…..)

But do I want to hurt myself?

Yes.  I want to find a way to trump the pain I’m in every day, I want to be the one doing the hurting, actively, so I’m no longer passively being injured, I want it to be quiet, I want it to stop, I want it to end.  Please.  Make it all stop.

“Would you allow yourself to be voluntarily committed to our behavior health unit?”

What’s left to hide from? What’s left to be scared of? I’ve seen the worst, I’ve felt the worst, I’ve been in the dark for a long time.

What it feels like she’s asking is, “Do you want to save what’s left of you?”

“Yes.”

And that’s where another story starts and ends.  The only other time I’ve been hospitalized for mental health issues since Renfrew, and this time it was only 3 days because on the chaotic and teary night of admission I signed my 72 hour release form. (They really should make you wait until morning to do that, but what do I know…)

So basically I asked to leave before I had even fully been processed.

But that’s OK because 3 days in a psych unit is a powerful time.  Every single person you meet changes you forever.  And I want to do justice to that story so we’ll save it for another day.

But what I want you to know now is that on Monday, November 6th, I will start a 6 week intensive partial hospitalization; that means from 9am to 1pm I’ll be in intensive therapy, both group and individual and I’ll meet each week with a psychiatric nurse to continue to adjust my medications and with a psychiatrist to keep this journey moving.  In addition, I can still see my normal therapist once a week, who I’ve been seeing for two years, and who has been remarkable.

There are three other things I want you to know, and they are so important to me, that I’m asking you to really hear the words in your head – and I’m asking you to remember.

1.) I would be dead right now if it wasn’t for Thommy, my mom, a handful of the best friends I actually don’t deserve, and a tribe of “Rhea Team” warriors who pray for me and send me their positive energy and their love and their notes and their gifts and who keep showing up despite the tedious repetition of my illnesses and shortcomings.  I know that I am blessed.  I do not take it for granted.  Please keep reminding me of the good things – please keep your words of love and light coming; it’s my way out of the darkness.

2.) You need to vote better.  Sorry if that’s whiplash but it’s true.  You and me both.  I am getting the most amazing, thorough and continued treatment because of insurance.  There was a time I didn’t have that.  And there were people I met in the hospital who were released before they were stable because of insurance. Cuts to mental health services, Medicare, Medicaid, etc, literally, literally, literally KILL PEOPLE.  I might be one of them. Vote in every election you can for leaders who will protect those services.  I can’t believe this country works that way but here we are.

3.) Mental health stigma needs to end.  And it can start with you.  Stop using the word “crazy” a dozen times a day when it’s not necessary.  That’s the easy one – challenge yourself today and see what happens.  Don’t use diagnoses as adjectives.  OCD, bipolar, schizophrenia, manic/mania, depressed, anorexic/bulimic, PTSD, cutting/cutters/self-harmers … all those things are real life.  They can be nightmares that people may never wake up from.  Some of us will get help and regulate it but we ALL need to stop carrying around the shame of it.  It is not a punchline to your shitty joke.  If someone trusts you enough to share their story with you: listen without judgement.  You don’t have to fix them.  You don’t have to feel their pain to help them through it.  You can hold space with love and respect and allow them to process their emotions freely.  Not everyone is ready to accept help  – it is not your job to lecture them. Memorize the number to the suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255) so that you can provide a resource to someone is crisis. (Obviously, if it’s an emergency, call 911).  But from experience, I can say that I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve had a meltdown on the phone with someone while I told them I couldn’t make it one more day – and the act of simply being heard has kept me here one more day.

One more day.

That’s what’s left.

Or, like we talked about in the hospital, one more minute.  It’s 7:31am right now.  Can I make it until 7:32am? What can bridge those 60 seconds? Breathing? Medication? A phone call?

I know I said I needed you to know 3 things, but I lied, there’s one more:

I am not ashamed.  As someone with complex mental illnesses AND complex physical illnesses, stuffing that all inside and hiding it from the world is what usually gets me into the darkest recesses of my mind and keeps me buried.  As someone with mental illness, I *DO* feel guilty, all the time, for hundreds of things, real and imaginary; but, what I don’t feel guilty about, is sharing this with you.  There is a level of self-loathing I experience that I didn’t even have words for until I was on the psych unit, but my head will not hang one inch lower after posting this and sharing it.  I hope if you read this and you want to talk, you reach out.  I hope if you read this, and you are so inclined, you share it with your circle because there might be someone who needs to read it and know help is out there and they don’t have to feel alone or ashamed.

I’m redefining myself with the pieces of what’s left; and with each new illness and test and hospitalization and med change, etc., I do feel like I lose some of the person I wanted to be.  Or at least the person I thought I was.  But there is so much power in realizing you can create someone new.  And know this: if you’ve had to do this (I mean, REALLY, do this): you are a fucking superhero.  Suit up.  Here’s your cape…

xoxo

Rhea

What’s Left. Greetings fellow travelers, I hope that wherever you're reading this from, you are safe. I haven't been safe in awhile.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🔥🔥🥀🥀Hey xx my name is Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez, and I am a drug addicted alcoholic with 2 years clean! I’m 22. I have 20 mental illnesses I know rock bottom, hell, trauma , pain, and darkness from top to bottom x I’ve been homeless 13 times, 215 mental hospitals , Trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018.

Here's a list of my doctors diagnoses (they were actually diagnosed , DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE)

•Bipolar, Schizo-affective, PTSD

OCD , ODD, ADHD, anxiety , depression

Insomnia , autism, anorexia

Attachment disorder , narcolepsy

Borderline personality , multiple personality. Dissociative identity fugue

Critically/clinically insane

Tardive Dyskinesia, body dyamorphia

Dissociative Amnesia

Depersonalization/derealization disorder

Intermittent Explosive disorder

Severe Brain Damage

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic x This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Been In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. And boarding cares , no home from 2011-2018 Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth x Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls.

a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤

🔥🔥every day and night I deal with

20 mental illnesses

Vivid flashbacks 24/7 of the trauma that occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018

40-80 mental breakdowns all day and night

Not being able to aak for help cuz since I've been in 215 mental hospitals the next time I go I'm going to a state institution

Michael Alvarado Alvaro (my main demon) constantly tortures me

No options cuz: I've been in over 100 treatment centers none will take me back

Been on all medications (dosages, types, combinations)

Being the most high maintenance mental health case in the system of California

My dog slowly dying

My mom being constantly sick

Feeling like I dont belong anywhere

My psyical health is getting worse

-feeling weak

-blacking and passing out

-throwing up

-body aches

-memory loss

-constant headaches, stomach pains , nausea, soar throat , body numb

Narcolepsy

-ear aches , my whole body aching Sinusitis

Being overly sensitive / wanting to save the universe and everyone in it

Fear of telling people I'm not OK cuz:

I feel like a burden

It's the same thing over and over again

It gets tiring

I feel like my existinese is a waste

Being literally possessed by my demons

Being autistic

Not eating and not sleeping

Wanting to hurt myself

Wanting to end it

Wanting to escape

My family doesnt want me home

They would be better off without me

Constantly missing my un biological son Anthony

Hearing my torturours in my head

This is not for pity or sympathy

I'm trying.

Im here for all of u . My 2nd Number: 951-460-8418

Suicide Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Also u can text 711-711

Don't give up , u matter x 🔥🔥

60-80 mental breakdowns a day vivid flashbacks every day _ nightmares every night. Being a recovering drug addict/alcoholic.

215 mental hospitals, 3 foster homes, 2 were extremely abusive. , bouncing from unlocked, locked, short and long term treatment centers, group homes, rehab, residential, crisis centers, homeless 13 times. Shelters, most of my life I've been literally tortured, raped, abused, sold, drugged up, I sold myself/prostituted, got tortured and abused in every way possible. Sold drugs to get money to raise Anthony "Lil Toni" Castillo-Martinez (why I have the last name Martinez) who I met in one of the abusive foster homes and raised him as my own. Kimberly M. Olivarez was my deceased ex fiance, she made a false accusation that I gave Anthony drugs (not true at all) , CPS took him away. Kim tortured and abused me in any way possible. She called 60+ people every day and night to abuse, rape, torture , almost kill me. I have attempted suicide over 100+ times, my "dad" who I don't consider my dad abused me in anyway possible from age 4 till he died in 2011. I've been abused by several more people. I have been on every single medication for mental health, every dosage, combination, type. In every sort of treatment. They are trying to concerve me again, last time I talked to my therapist, doctor , treatment team etc they said my next admittion to the mental hospital they are gonna send me away to a state institution. Last time they concerved me I was past my 52/50 and I was at this one hospital, I was there for a few months I can't remember, they had a hearing then they took me to court. I already got my criminal record when I was under 18, they cleared it. I lied to the judge and then later on they took me off concerveraship . so let's say I'm suicidal , unsafe, I can't tell anyone cuz of what I just mentioned. When I was 12 years old I for sent to a level 14 (higher level of care) mental health, addiction, behavioral treatment center for over a year. They couldn't even handle me and they were tryna send me to a higher level of care, but that was the highest level of care. The state of California named me "the most high maitence mental health case in the system" from 2011-2018 I had no home. From 2001-2018 there was trauma occurring 24/7. My soberiety date is 9•18•2018. I have a name for myself from several people. Over 200. Have told me I "help everyone obsessively" I get told to put myself first but that ain't ever gonna happen. I don't trust people, I'm extremely sensitive and I can't take confrontation without me breaking down. I don't date at all cuz of the many traumas. I'm a bi-romantic asexual. I'm 22 and I've always been a female. I accept all of u for who u are, no matter what race, color, sexuality, illness, circumstances ur in, etc etc. I can name more, I accept everybody. Everybody needs somebody , we deserve care, love, help , support, acceptance, appreciation, etc etc. U don't kno someone's story, what they have been and/or currently going thru. U matter, ur existence is a huge blessing to this universe. U are doing the best u can and I'm proud of u. There's more but its 2am and my meds are kicking in. Don't judge anybody. I appreciate all of u and I'm here for u. -- Izzy M. Martinez🌹🌺🌷🔥

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🥀🥀||21% Of My Life Storyyx||Stay Alive||🥀🥀

🥀🥀Mental Physcotic Breakdown/Episode . This is one of my least explicit ones. Meet Tyler Alvaro x🥀🥀

😔😞W3lc0m3 T0 Th3 W0rld 0f I33y Magdalinoz-Martinez/Br0k3n R0z3z/Sara Pi3rce/Tyl3r Fiaskko-Alvaro. This is my life. 0r 21% 0f It. TRIGGER WARNING!!!

●21%0F.MY.LIFE UDATED VERSION: ... 🥀Itz Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez,Asexual. I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &1MonthClean (used every drug except shrooms, Molly and Bathsalts) .I use to forget about my pain, I went to rehabs,(CHYC as mental health and drugNAlcohol Treatment for a year, went to NA and AA?meetings once a week) I’m 21 years old, my dad died In 2011 (of a reported heart attack, but I thought I killed him, I tried to kill him in his sleep multiple times), but he abused me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when the torture got worse, when he hit my mom I started going on a rampage) (beenThruTraumaSince4till2monthsAgo) but I couldn’t tell my mom he was abusing me and torturing me  (on multiple occasions on our "father-daughter trips" or when we were alone) or he would sell me or kill me, so I had mixed feelings he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr, he also made me go to the bathroom && strip for him, he would shoot me up and laugh),, i was out on the streets at first in 2012 (I want insane and lost it in May of 2011), now I’m homeless 13 times (witnessed a lot of crimes, did crimes, a lot happened to me also I did a lot as well) ,getting arrested, in fights, almost been killed, I rose a 9 year old kid (now 13 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was I an abusive foster home, so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in, I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away,after acar accident&igot framed for giving him drugs,&Inever seen him since,Kimberly and i adopted him from an abusive foster home, after me and Kimberly broke up cuz she was cheating on me with my friend Jeremy and b4 Anthony got taken we went 2 court and Kim got all parental rights and i had to pay child support and got superviszed visits, Jeremy Baraz later told me that Kimberly and him were engaged, I got heated and flipped out and he raped me and we got into an altercation, he helped me on the streets&&was my partner in crime , he bailed me out at the police station (after I got put on temporary probation for continually committing crimes and trashing a strangers car cuz there was drugs in there and they were going to go after my son with that car and drug him up, later they cut the probation if I went to long term rehab) , Ishmael Baraz (Jeremys brother, also guided me and later on got into a shooting scene, so i had to bail him out, only fair u know, we went crazy and i almost got killed and so did he, i pointed the gun towards the officer and stated "if you don't let my friend go, I will shoot u and all of ur officers", and they tazed me (and on multiple other occasions went crazy on police, grabbed the gun , gotten tazed, got the cops called on me for no reason but sometimes 4A reason, im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.) he was a convicted felon, && We were all in a cop chase, we made it to OC with Jeremy, and later on Jeremy &Ismhael myBuddyzGotSh0t isaw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well, &iwasProstituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused 4 money4us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live), after that incident of Anthony getting taken Kimberly tried to kill me in my sleep with Ambien.a meth needle and vodka.i woke up in an ER, and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried 2 st0p her, but I was 2latee ,been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets,&by sum1 Idon’t wanna talk about (now I'm coming clean, it was Kimberly) I was in Foster Care a couple times, the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drugaddicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one, Angela and Jimmy had a meth lab in there house and I slept in the middle of the attic, they locked me up in there) , first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents, and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide) I’ve been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital, lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, multiple treatment centers, crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times), 2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each) group homes (Rancho Domocitas), Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls) rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others), shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz), the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino), been in car accidents (over 10 times),I’ve been arrested and detained by a lot of cops in Corona (know mostly all of them, a lot of other people know me in Riverside), I have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade, I’ve attempted suicide over 50 timesXI’ve self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods) Ihave bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode), pre diabetes (got rid of).depression (major depressive disorder).paranioa.anxiety.Buliemia.insomnia.Dissociative Identity Fued.skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ptsd,ocd,attachment disorder.Autism.borderlinepersonality.amnesia.multiple personality disorder,used to have anorexia, && im deaf in my right ear, near sighted, motion sickness, social anxiety,  gastridous, && lastly, chronic body pain .....i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much) been0nallmentalHealthmedication (I mean ALL, including narcotics and Benzos, and any pill u can use to get high) ppl TriedToSend Me2 MetropolitanStateHospital(highestLevelOfCare), IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions, ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship, and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on 4 occasions (personal reasons) I’ve never had a stable home since 2011,now on Augest of 2018 I’m finally home,ihelp others cus im used to people not caring about me, I have trust issues,im always there2help to care to make sure thereok and I don’t stop.StayStronq.It's Izzy Here Again. I Have 22 different voices/demons/visions  in my head. Johnny Garcia, Lily, Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos , Charlotte McMann, Wesley Garcia, Constance McMann, Dancing Fire (demon like archangel misunderstood in the form of fire, might be another world trying 2 contact me), Chandy/Gladdis/Leon/Charlene/Raul/Ralphie/George/Michaela aka Michael(all characters from my movie etc.), Erin Ramos. DANCING Squares, Duplicates of People, Bad Mommy/Good Mommy, Bad Daddy/Good Daddy, Visions&Hallucinations of Past/Future, Cones, Red Dots, Flyerway, Veronica/Victoria Enxxellia, Objects Having Force On Me, Flying Objects, Demons Posessing Me. SatanslashGod (can't tell the difference), Richard Enxxellia, Three 7's, Seventy Three 6's, Puppoi (A Duplicate Of My Puppy Raskcal), Mr.OutOfDate, NXSP (0ne Of The Alter Worlds I Live In As Liz Ramos, as I raise hell with Johnny "JJ" Garcia (I try to kill him on multiple occasions but I pulled the Red Wire && he got worse), The Ends (The End Of NXSP it's worse than hell itself times infinity 100 percent), Jonathan Maqranga, TwentyStepsForward, Edgar "Eddie" Alejandria, Dancing Rooms, UglyBitterSky, TheFuckAllTheWayUpInTheSky, Chillwax Alejandria, People From My Past, A Vivid Movie Like Form Of My Whole Past From Beginning To End Flashing By In My Head (Random Times, Coordinated by Dancing Fire Themself), ClosedOptions, Paid2Kill Hernandez,   etc.. I Got Chocked, Raped, Tortured, Tied Up, Shot At, Tied To A Tree, Slept In Bathrooms && In Cars (Having Blake Follow Me Into Everywhere I Go && Went into the bathroom , shoving knives, pins, needles, food, guns, sticks, and other shit inside me and he would rape me and if i talked he would kill me. I met Blake at a gas station 3 times to give me my drugs and alcohol paid by for sex with him), I Had 3 Drug Dealers, Juan Torres, Blake Vandiego, Luis Alexander (last name unknown, all of these people didn't give me there real last names, they Identified as what they told me to call them) Blake did the worst torture (playing cakes with me, roleplaying, video taping the torture, I woke up in my bed and he woke me up with 12 meth needles, and we played Pin The Donkey. he would cut me, slice me, bang my body parts on brick walls, put 2 guns in my mouth, 1 gun in each ear, and beat me, burned me, shoved a lighter turned on in my pussy and my butt, he would light me up, and so much much much more torture, all for drugs and money when I became poor), Luis did the 2nd worse torture (he would put a gun to my head at every meal time , beat me, had rough uncosensual sex, played games with me chasing me naked in the hotel room but while playing my sex tapes on the TV, and he would make me sleep outside, all 4 drugs/money when I needed it), and Juan did no torture except  (rape me and made me do crimes like the other two did, but he was the sweetest) me and Juan dated for about 4 months, then he perposed, I SAID yes, 4 weeks later he asked me to marry him, and I said no, he said it was fine but 4 weeks later he killed himself with 5 whole bottles of Gabapentin. I Got tortured by more than all 3 of these people. I was a BAD bad bad kid at 12, I was criminally and critically insane, and I did insane things, my behaviors were extremely dangerous/violent/brutal/physcotic/homoscidally insane. 0n 0ne occasion I tried to kill my mom and brother (to take them to Heaven with me), my dad, People on the streets and many many others. I've almost been to Juvenial Hall/Jail on multiple occasions. In the dark Kimberly tried to kill me after she got high on Spice. she reenacted a scene from Criminal Minds that she saw. I was being chased with a knife around my motel room with Anthony watching (he's my son, not by blood but by heart cuz blood doesn't make family),  Lisa 0ne Of My Foster Parents would treat me well but on one occasion and one occasion only, she put a gun to my head and told me to shoot her first and than me . so we could escape from this world. I refused and she started drinking heavily , I was her only friend, she had a BAD past as well. her behaviors changed drastically and I would have 2 watch her hurt herself, drink, walk around naked singing Kill Me Kill Me Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead, and What Is Love, I watched her self harm and I tried 2 stop her, but whenever I tried to she would scream and give the gun to me again, she is currently (she's dead but awhile later) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease, Autism, Skitzophrenia, and PTSD. She killed herself later on. When I was a patient in multiple of the placements/hospitals/lockdown treatment centers/rehabs/crisis centers/stabilization units etc etc. I would misbehave really badly, I would have protected sex, get in fights, extreme physcotic episodes, do drugs  when it was not permitted, I'm used to doing worse crimes on the streets anyways.I got bullied 4 the 1st time inside of CHYC, last but yes least, DAMGEROUSLY CRAZY ME wants to tell u one more thing, when I was homeless, A boy named Timothy Sagaste (not real last name) lead me on and we got engaged after 6 months of dating cuz we were so close, I trusted him, we had a connection, but after leading me on for so long I thought things were TOO perfect, and I was right, after I got engaged to him, we had a romantic dinner &; he told me that he was seeing someone else, that he pretendedthat he liked me, pretended our whole relationship everything about it, he told me he was breaking up with me and I Got heated and beat him up and tried to kill him but he finally grabbed the shotgun and knife out of my hands, Tied me to the bed and told me to "Go Kill Yourself Sara, You DON'T DESERVE LOVE, U DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE, YOUR A MISTAKE , THAT'S WHY NO-ONE EVER LOVED YOU, YOUR AN UGLY SLUT TRASHY WHORE AND U NEED TO GO 2 HELL, UR A SHITTY MOM PAYING CHILD SUPPORT. I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE AT UR FUNERAL AND GUESS WHAT HOE, IM GONNA LAUGH" He went on and on , he us3d my life story and my past against me, after he was done , he took out his phone and video taped me afterward. and he shouted "How Do U Like Me Now" I Got up and grabbed my Medication bottles (Lithium, Adavan, Gabalentin, Abilify, Welbuitren, Zoloft, Vicodin, Seroquel, Norcos, Xanex, Rhresperdol, Atarax, Ambien, My Meth Needle, My Knifes, Guns, Cigarrette Lighters, and My Xprexa and ran into the bathroom, I took a whole bottle of each medication, I made slits in my arm, wrist, neck, I burned myself in the pussy and in my legs (just like how Blake did it) but I hurt myself 20 times worse than anybody ever had, I went physco and I shot myself up in both my arms with meth and heroin, I did the worst torture to myself worse than anybody ever had. I reenacted Blake, Luis ,and Juans torture , plus everyone who has ever tortured me, I did it worse. I put the gun to my head, I added more bullets and i pulled the trigger, I woke up in an ER, and they said I passed out before the bullet hit my head, so now I realize that I was lucky. God Bless everyone and everything, this is the FULL 20% of my 100% of my life story. Fuck Love, Trust N0B0DY && Stay Strong, btw it feels like somethings crawling all over me/or I'm crawling out of my skin , it happens a lot, take care I'm here. ~IzzyMagdalinozMartinez]🥀

-Who I Am Is Darkness- 8/5/14 MY.STORY. xc

hey, I know my dad may have died, after that, I went crazy, physco mental in the head I lost myself I built an emotional wall around myself, I lost my mind and went insane, did dangerous shit that I regr...et, I grew a dark side, I started having hallucinations, different personalities I got possessed, I have REALLY bad anger issues, 34 suicide attempts 50 mental hospital visits a level 14 residential treatment center in Utah and went to a group home called Rancho Domacitas. people were scared of me, I felt numb weak and empty rages and rages of explosive anger and violence, I abused myself to death, I grew worse and worse I ran away anxiety skitzophrenia depression anger violence drugs self harm suicide homoscide there's more things that no one knows about but I was a crazy bitch, I wanted to die, my hallucinations grew worse and worse I smoked my problems away "Johnny" my main hallucination abused me physically and mentally, tbh I don't know who I was I saw my deceased dad, I got the cops called on me, Johnny took full control and I went physco, I had mental episodes bad mental breakdowns ran away everyday got in reastraints started fighting, I wanted to die, I wrote a suicide letter, plenty of times I attempted but I busted my moms door down and started taking pills, I abused myself by cutting punching slamming any self harm possible my anger became to violent I mean I was a mental fucking mess, finally I lost myself so hard so bad I couldn't feel or breathe or think, I just went black, I had blackouts and then I realized I did some really dangerous stupid shit. my life was hard and I still wanted to die and take my family with me I had no touch with reality and my medication wasn't helping, I was done I thought my mom was verbally attacking me but she wasn't, I was pretty messed up, I had a dark side I had so much pain and hurt inside me I was broken and shattered I hated myself because I was a fucking mentally Ill fuck up, I had nightmares about abuse. I wanted my daddy back, I didn't believe he was dead, everyday I grew crazier to the point where I couldn't control it. and I was lost and very very sick you don't even know most of the shit I've done, I was so crazy so I got sent away for a year I got help even when I acted out, I went to a step down group home and all the hospitals. I finally could feel again, and now I'm getting better and back on track. and I find myself again thanks to all you amazing beautiful people I love to call family I don't and can't even put into words how much I love you, all of you, your my family and my mom she's amazing, you all can do this I'm here for you guys I care, you guys I just fucking love you, and thanks, stay strong. that's part of my life story sense I know you all I posted it on here. love you guys I am out of reality in a dark state not mentally there, I'm scared and in pain emotionally desturbed, it's killing me eating me alive and I can't take it the monster inside me fighting to get out. so what I might be autistic so what I have issues so what I'm retarded I still stayed strong through all my issues for 4 years if I get off my meds I get physco and crazy and "not there" I'm asbergers but I'm smart and I'm learning to stay strong and control myself, it's killing me it's tearing me apart the monster inside me, feel trapped in my body I need to get out, no people with suits my mom is not gonna die, I love my mom so much I'd die for you, for her birthday I'm writing and singing her a song I love you best mother in the world I'd die for you. sometimes it just stops, and then starts up again, his body cold on the couch, I need you I need you, but he's gone. I love my mom so much, she might need to go to the emergency room and I'll be with her right by her side the whole time, cuz I love her so much I'd do anything for her. anyways I love her I'd die for her, the most amazing person I know I'll be there for her all my life she was there for me through all my struggles, that's right no one fucks with my family. no one understands what would it be like if I was gone, I'm getting worse I need help fuck I feel numb and sick in the head, my brain is malfunctioning I don't know what's real anymore I'm done no one gets me like my mom, I'm scared full of pain I feel blank I'm going crazier I have nothing in me but a trapped girl wanting to get out of her cage, I hate this life I'm never happy, I fake I'm ok so my mom can be happy inside me is a monster inside me is someone else and depression and a no one I don't no what to say anymore what to do I cry myself to sleep all night I really do wanna die, but no inside me is full of mixed emotions a girl scared and full of rage and pain, I'm going numb insane it's killing me I am scared, I could cry for forever I love you mom, I'm so anxious I don't know what's going on, filling the empty hole inside me my moms gonna change, I fake it all it all if you new what goes on in my head u would be crying its scary it's bad I could beat myself till I bleed I hate this I'm not safe everyone is getting sick of me, I'm fucking mental and crazy, I'm the craziest girl you'll meet I was bad gone and really really sick in the head I did all the crazy things you can think, Ive done unsafe and crazy mental things I was a physcopathic, by now it's getting better slowly, my moms my life my reason to live I've had problems and struggles I want to be happy but I'm fighting the fight to get better, I'm here for all of you I might have a dark side I've been abused and I abuse myself but I'm staying strong I'm here for all of you, I love you as family and I love my mom to death and I love my mom I feel so numbed like no one knows how I feel and my problems got so bad my dark old self grew stronger than weaker, I wasn't in reality, and who I am? darkness... I've had out of body experiences out of it mentally, emotionally I was controlled by my dark side I went all out I might be crazy but I'm fighting, I'm gonna be happy i love you mom forever I've changed for the worst my mom is gonna change for the worse I just know it. darkness is taking control of me I can't control it. but I love you I love you I'm sorry I SORRY don't take me away, I've tried suicide nope not successful, I'm done but I want to make everybody proud, cuz I love you all with all my heart even tho I feel invisible like a nobody a fighter very violent I'm strong and you guys can stay strong to I'll help you every step of the way, don't you even try calling me weak I'm strong IM STRONG!!!! I don't get feelings, I'm feeling feelings I'm worried and paranoid , no one messes with my mom or I'll beat there bitch ass no one cares or understands me cuz I'm like a puzzle very complicated and crazy but I'm blessed with my family and I can stay strong through my troubles I'm sorry to everybody for being a failure a freak a mentally ill sick child I haven't pleased anyone what if I disappeared left fade away I hate this my crazy ass can end up in another institution, but I'm staying with my mom and I'm mentally 7 in the head my brain is messed up there's something wrong but what the fuck ever I LOVE MY MOM WITH MY LIFE ! I can stay strong. no more crazy me he he xP "Let's go crazy don't be fine go be sane and lose ur mind don't be fraid to lose your mind, nothing's the same, tears I shed but no words can describe the pain I feel, numb.. I LOVE YOU xx I'm losing my mind no sense scared trying to crawl out of my own skin, trapped, full of rage feeling numb, his body was moving he's not dead he's alive. why am I the only one going crazy why aren't I happy ? what if I was just an illusion I don't wanna go insane again or back to the hospital... this is how it is, welcome to the ends welcome to my life, I love you my family listen I've had a hard shitty life, lots of issues lots of treatment, I don't know what's real or what's fake I don't have touch with reality I wanna get help I wanna get better, I have faith in God he can help me turn around my life and my behaviors, I can do this, fuck you haters, I love myself again. NO MORE CRAZYNESS, I may be sick in the head I may be depressed and have problems, I care for you all and I'm learning to love my life. if I could get better in my head and my mental state even though I'm not in a good place or mentally in darkness you don't know what goes on in my head. I'm scared I don't know what's going on what's happening welcome to the ends, I'm sorry for becoming darkness, if you knew how crazy I was, you would know how far I've come through all my treatment my brain is messed up I might have a brain tumor a clot in my brain I'm not myself I'm dark I'm crazy I'm mental I have problems but I can make it through, I love you all who have always stuck by my side, I haven't been the hospital for a month I haven't done all that dangerous crazy shit in three months, I'm always sticking by your side I love you as family , I still have unresolved issues but I can do this I CAN BE STRONG ITZs NOT OVER YET! I may be out of it crazy on medication but guess what I CAN MAKE IT x.x Dont worry bout me i might not be stable but im staying strong...

●2% MoreOf My Life Story TRIGGER WARNING!!! So here is my story. I’ve been thru hell all my life and I have attachment issues cuz of my past torture hell and trauma . I usually have an estimate of 5,6,7 breakdowns a day. I’m used to everything that it’s sickening. I’ve always acted out dangerously and unsafely. Later on after my ex girlfriend Kimberly died I realized that she was the one that framed me for giving my illegally adopted son Anthony drugs and after the car accident , I saw Kim laughing and pointing at Me and later  on before she hung herself... she said Anthony was never mine he was hers , and I would never be a mother, and that’s why my mom always was a bitch to me. My mom NEVER would kick me out, or so I thought, after I came home from Foster Care she acted strange , not as bad as before. And she kicked me out then took me back in then kicked me out and so on and so forth. I was in LA getting fucked up and on one occasion 2 guys got me really drunk and I woke up In the bathroom and my pants were down and I was on my cycle and everyone saw, I went to the ER, and they said I got raped (again) in the period of my 12th time being homeless. I got raped over 20 times . I almost got killed multiple times, on one occasion I was walking and a van pulled up to the curb and they pointed a gun towards me and told me to get in, I did and they raped me in the back seat and they force fed me, gave me some meth and pointed the gun towards my head the whole way towards there house... they were master bating and would shove there dirty hands down my throat they forced me to have oral. When we got to there house they had a knife up to my throat and I screamed and then the rest was a blackout and I ended up on some strangers lawn . I go to Journey Tay in Spruce street in Corona, I constantly go to CSU and I have a physciatrist and a therapist, but I’m closed off and very touchy with everyone cus my social anxiety trust issues and past trauma. I know I’m broken damaged and helpless but I have a strong faith in God!!!! Anyways on 12/25/2018.. there was this boy approached me during Christmas Eve, and he acted completely fine and normal and caring and sweet and kind hearted and usually I can tell when somethings off. He led me into his trap, I gave him a kiss, and we laughed and. Hung out and we were texting over FaceBook messenger, he constantly asked where I lived and I started to connect with him. On Christmas Day after we opened Christmas gifts we went to Starbucks and he texted me and told me he was at Starbucks, I noticed him getting weird, he didn’t look good at all.. he kept telling me about getting liquor , I mentioned it first , but I changed my mind and he wouldn’t stop . We went to a Walmart where there was nobody there cus Of Christmas. We hung out . We were heading out and he spotted a soda machine, he asked me for a dollar and he put it in the soda machine and I asked where’s mine, he said he had a dollar and I was putting mine back in my purse, I was recording with my iPod touch , and in a split of a second he grabbed my I touch and my wallet with over 400 dollars in it. pushed me and ran, it scared me cus it was out of nowhere. And I gave him my all. And I was hurt. And I still can’t believe it’s true , that all of that was an act, I thought it was for my movie cus we were making a movie , I got up and nobody cared, some people laughed, and I called the cops, not even the security or the costumers care, nobody cares. The cops showed up and she asked me questions, and I’m going to court and there doing an investigation . After that my PTSD got 20 times worse and I started acting out having more episodes and I felt alone. I had another physcotic break . I’ve been to court many times for many reasons : I spend most my holidays away, I spent mine at CSU, and I got worse, I started smoking hookah and I started cutting and popping my meds again, trying to overdose once again . And my behaviors and mental state of mind and insanity and physcotic episodes got worse. They still are. And I know I have support. I’m here for you all , stay strong. May God Be With You!!!!!

●Angelique/Ezxekyal "Izzy" Magdalinoz-Martinez /Sara Nicole Pierce /Br0k3n R0z3z /Tyler Fiaskko-Alvaro

●MY INFO: ||WATTPAD (WHERE I'M WORKING ON WRITING MY LIFE STORY) Ms_SweetInsanityyx ||MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL: TwistedMetal411 ||MY INSTAGRAM: Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez😔😔

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🥀🔥🔥🥀||HOPE #1; ||You Know My Name Not My Story||🥀🔥🔥🥀

Sorrry i forgot to post the first one. No pity no sympathy no attention. TRIGGRR WARNING!! ●21%0F.MY.LIFE ||UDATED VERSION: ...|| 🥀Itz Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez,BiRomantic-Asexual. I am am recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &11MonthsClean (used every drug except shrooms, Molly and Bathsalts) .I use to forget about my pain, I went to rehabs,(CHYC as mental health and drugNAlcohol Treatment for a year, went to NA and AA?meetings once a week) I'm 21 years old, my dad died In 2011 (of a reported heart attack, but I thought I killed him, I tried to kill him in his sleep multiple times), but he abused me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when the torture got worse, when he hit my mom I started going on a rampage) (beenThruTraumaSince4till2monthsAgo) but I couldn't tell my mom he was abusing me and torturing me (on multiple occasions on our "father-daughter trips" or when we were alone) or he would sell me or kill me, so I had mixed feelings he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr, he also made me go to the bathroom && strip for him, he would shoot me up and laugh),, i was out on the streets at first in 2012 (I want insane and lost it in May of 2011), now I'm homeless 13 times (witnessed a lot of crimes, did crimes, a lot happened to me also I did a lot as well) ,getting arrested, in fights, almost been killed, I rose a 9 year old kid (now 14 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was I an abusive foster home, so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in, I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away,after acar accident&igot framed for giving him drugs,&Inever seen him since,Kimberly and i adopted him from an abusive foster home, after me and Kimberly broke up cuz she was cheating on me with my friend Jeremy and b4 Anthony got taken we went 2 court and Kim got all parental rights and i had to pay child support and got superviszed visits, Jeremy Baraz later told me that Kimberly and him were engaged, I got heated and flipped out and he raped me and we got into an altercation, he helped me on the streets&&was my partner in crime , he bailed me out at the police station (after I got put on temporary probation for continually committing crimes and trashing a strangers car cuz there was drugs in there and they were going to go after my son with that car and drug him up, later they cut the probation if I went to long term rehab) , Ishmael Baraz (Jeremys brother, also guided me and later on got into a shooting scene, so i had to bail him out, only fair u know, we went crazy and i almost got killed and so did he, i pointed the gun towards the officer and stated "if you don't let my friend go, I will shoot u and all of ur officers", and they tazed me (and on multiple other occasions went crazy on police, grabbed the gun , gotten tazed, got the cops called on me for no reason but sometimes 4A reason, im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.) he was a convicted felon, && We were all in a cop chase, we made it to OC with Jeremy, and later on Jeremy &Ismhael myBuddyzGotSh0t isaw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well, &iwasProstituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused 4 money4us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live), after that incident of Anthony getting taken Kimberly tried to kill me in my sleep with Ambien.a meth needle and vodka.i woke up in an ER, and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried 2 st0p her, but I was 2latee ,been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets,&by sum1 Idon't wanna talk about (now I'm coming clean, it was Kimberly) I was in Foster Care a couple times, the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drugaddicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one, Angela and Jimmy had a meth lab in there house and I slept in the middle of the attic, they locked me up in there) , first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents, and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide) I've been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital, lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, multiple treatment centers, crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times), 2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each) group homes (Rancho Domocitas), Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls) rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others), shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz), the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino), been in car accidents (over 10 times),I've been arrested and detained by a lot of cops in Corona (know mostly all of them, a lot of other people know me in Riverside), I have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade, I've attempted suicide over 50 timesXI've self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods) Ihave bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode), pre diabetes (got rid of).depression (major depressive disorder).paranioa.anxiety.Buliemia.insomnia.Dissociative Identity Fued.skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ptsd,ocd,attachment disorder.Autism.borderlinepersonality.amnesia.multiple personality disorder, anorexia, && im deaf in my right ear, near sighted, motion sickness, social anxiety, gastridous, && lastly, chronic body pain .....i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much) been0nallmentalHealthmedication (I mean ALL, including narcotics and Benzos, and any pill u can use to get high) ppl TriedToSend Me2 MetropolitanStateHospital(highestLevelOfCare), IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions, ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship, and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on 4 occasions (personal reasons) I've never had a stable home since 2011,now on Augest of 2018 I'm finally home,ihelp others cus im used to people not caring about me, I have trust issues,im always there2help to care to make sure thereok and I don't stop.StayStronq.It's Izzy Here Again. I Have 22 different voices/demons/visions in my head. Johnny Garcia, Lily, Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos , Charlotte McMann, Wesley Garcia, Constance McMann, Dancing Fire (demon like archangel misunderstood in the form of fire, might be another world trying 2 contact me), Chandy/Gladdis/Leon/Charlene/Raul/Ralphie/George/Michaela aka Michael(all characters from my movie etc.), Erin Ramos. DANCING Squares, Duplicates of People, Bad Mommy/Good Mommy, Bad Daddy/Good Daddy, Visions&Hallucinations of Past/Future, Cones, Red Dots, Flyerway, Veronica/Victoria Enxxellia, Objects Having Force On Me, Flying Objects, Demons Posessing Me. SatanslashGod (can't tell the difference), Richard Enxxellia, Three 7's, Seventy Three 6's, Puppoi (A Duplicate Of My Puppy Raskcal), Mr.OutOfDate, NXSP (0ne Of The Alter Worlds I Live In As Liz Ramos, as I raise hell with Johnny "JJ" Garcia (I try to kill him on multiple occasions but I pulled the Red Wire && he got worse), The Ends (The End Of NXSP it's worse than hell itself times infinity 100 percent), Jonathan Maqranga, TwentyStepsForward, Edgar "Eddie" Alejandria, Dancing Rooms, UglyBitterSky, TheFuckAllTheWayUpInTheSky, Chillwax Alejandria, People From My Past, A Vivid Movie Like Form Of My Whole Past From Beginning To End Flashing By In My Head (Random Times, Coordinated by Dancing Fire Themself), ClosedOptions, Paid2Kill Hernandez, etc.. I Got Chocked, Raped, Tortured, Tied Up, Shot At, Tied To A Tree, Slept In Bathrooms && In Cars (Having Blake Follow Me Into Everywhere I Go && Went into the bathroom , shoving knives, pins, needles, food, guns, sticks, and other shit inside me and he would rape me and if i talked he would kill me. I met Blake at a gas station 3 times to give me my drugs and alcohol paid by for sex with him), I Had 3 Drug Dealers, Juan Torres, Blake Vandiego, Luis Alexander (last name unknown, all of these people didn't give me there real last names, they Identified as what they told me to call them) Blake did the worst torture (playing cakes with me, roleplaying, video taping the torture, I woke up in my bed and he woke me up with 12 meth needles, and we played Pin The Donkey. he would cut me, slice me, bang my body parts on brick walls, put 2 guns in my mouth, 1 gun in each ear, and beat me, burned me, shoved a lighter turned on in my pussy and my butt, he would light me up, and so much much much more torture, all for drugs and money when I became poor), Luis did the 2nd worse torture (he would put a gun to my head at every meal time , beat me, had rough uncosensual sex, played games with me chasing me naked in the hotel room but while playing my sex tapes on the TV, and he would make me sleep outside, all 4 drugs/money when I needed it), and Juan did no torture except (rape me and made me do crimes like the other two did, but he was the sweetest) me and Juan dated for about 4 months, then he perposed, I SAID yes, 4 weeks later he asked me to marry him, and I said no, he said it was fine but 4 weeks later he killed himself with 5 whole bottles of Gabapentin. I Got tortured by more than all 3 of these people. I was a BAD bad bad kid at 12, I was criminally and critically insane, and I did insane things, my behaviors were extremely dangerous/violent/brutal/physcotic/homoscidally insane. 0n 0ne occasion I tried to kill my mom and brother (to take them to Heaven with me), my dad, People on the streets and many many others. I've almost been to Juvenial Hall/Jail on multiple occasions. In the dark Kimberly tried to kill me after she got high on Spice. she reenacted a scene from Criminal Minds that she saw. I was being chased with a knife around my motel room with Anthony watching (he's my son, not by blood but by heart cuz blood doesn't make family), Lisa 0ne Of My Foster Parents would treat me well but on one occasion and one occasion only, she put a gun to my head and told me to shoot her first and than me . so we could escape from this world. I refused and she started drinking heavily , I was her only friend, she had a BAD past as well. her behaviors changed drastically and I would have 2 watch her hurt herself, drink, walk around naked singing Kill Me Kill Me Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead, and What Is Love, I watched her self harm and I tried 2 stop her, but whenever I tried to she would scream and give the gun to me again, she is currently (she's dead but awhile later) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease, Autism, Skitzophrenia, and PTSD. She killed herself later on. When I was a patient in multiple of the placements/hospitals/lockdown treatment centers/rehabs/crisis centers/stabilization units etc etc. I would misbehave really badly, I would have protected sex, get in fights, extreme physcotic episodes, do drugs when it was not permitted, I'm used to doing worse crimes on the streets anyways.I got bullied 4 the 1st time inside of CHYC, last but yes least, DAMGEROUSLY CRAZY ME wants to tell u one more thing, when I was homeless, A boy named Timothy Sagaste (not real last name) lead me on and we got engaged after 6 months of dating cuz we were so close, I trusted him, we had a connection, but after leading me on for so long I thought things were TOO perfect, and I was right, after I got engaged to him, we had a romantic dinner &; he told me that he was seeing someone else, that he pretendedthat he liked me, pretended our whole relationship everything about it, he told me he was breaking up with me and I Got heated and beat him up and tried to kill him but he finally grabbed the shotgun and knife out of my hands, Tied me to the bed and told me to "Go Kill Yourself Sara, You DON'T DESERVE LOVE, U DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE, YOUR A MISTAKE , THAT'S WHY NO-ONE EVER LOVED YOU, YOUR AN UGLY SLUT TRASHY WHORE AND U NEED TO GO 2 HELL, UR A SHITTY MOM PAYING CHILD SUPPORT. I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE AT UR FUNERAL AND GUESS WHAT HOE, IM GONNA LAUGH" He went on and on , he us3d my life story and my past against me, after he was done , he took out his phone and video taped me afterward. and he shouted "How Do U Like Me Now" I Got up and grabbed my Medication bottles (Lithium, Adavan, Gabalentin, Abilify, Welbuitren, Zoloft, Vicodin, Seroquel, Norcos, Xanex, Rhresperdol, Atarax, Ambien, My Meth Needle, My Knifes, Guns, Cigarrette Lighters, and My Xprexa and ran into the bathroom, I took a whole bottle of each medication, I made slits in my arm, wrist, neck, I burned myself in the pussy and in my legs (just like how Blake did it) but I hurt myself 20 times worse than anybody ever had, I went physco and I shot myself up in both my arms with meth and heroin, I did the worst torture to myself worse than anybody ever had. I reenacted Blake, Luis ,and Juans torture , plus everyone who has ever tortured me, I did it worse. I put the gun to my head, I added more bullets and i pulled the trigger, I woke up in an ER, and they said I passed out before the bullet hit my head, so now I realize that I was lucky. God Bless everyone and everything, this is the FULL 20% of my 100% of my life story. Fuck Love, Trust N0B0DY && Stay Strong, btw it feels like somethings crawling all over me/or I'm crawling out of my skin , it happens a lot, take care I'm here. ~IzzyMagdalinozMartinez]🥀 -Who I Am Is Darkness- 8/5/14 MY.STORY. xc hey, I know my dad may have died, after that, I went crazy, physco mental in the head I lost myself I built an emotional wall around myself, I lost my mind and went insane, did dangerous shit that I regr...et, I grew a dark side, I started having hallucinations, different personalities I got possessed, I have REALLY bad anger issues, 34 suicide attempts 50 mental hospital visits a level 14 residential treatment center in Utah and went to a group home called Rancho Domacitas. people were scared of me, I felt numb weak and empty rages and rages of explosive anger and violence, I abused myself to death, I grew worse and worse I ran away anxiety skitzophrenia depression anger violence drugs self harm suicide homoscide there's more things that no one knows about but I was a crazy bitch, I wanted to die, my hallucinations grew worse and worse I smoked my problems away "Johnny" my main hallucination abused me physically and mentally, tbh I don't know who I was I saw my deceased dad, I got the cops called on me, Johnny took full control and I went physco, I had mental episodes bad mental breakdowns ran away everyday got in reastraints started fighting, I wanted to die, I wrote a suicide letter, plenty of times I attempted but I busted my moms door down and started taking pills, I abused myself by cutting punching slamming any self harm possible my anger became to violent I mean I was a mental fucking mess, finally I lost myself so hard so bad I couldn't feel or breathe or think, I just went black, I had blackouts and then I realized I did some really dangerous stupid shit. my life was hard and I still wanted to die and take my family with me I had no touch with reality and my medication wasn't helping, I was done I thought my mom was verbally attacking me but she wasn't, I was pretty messed up, I had a dark side I had so much pain and hurt inside me I was broken and shattered I hated myself because I was a fucking mentally Ill fuck up, I had nightmares about abuse. I wanted my daddy back, I didn't believe he was dead, everyday I grew crazier to the point where I couldn't control it. and I was lost and very very sick you don't even know most of the shit I've done, I was so crazy so I got sent away for a year I got help even when I acted out, I went to a step down group home and all the hospitals. I finally could feel again, and now I'm getting better and back on track. and I find myself again thanks to all you amazing beautiful people I love to call family I don't and can't even put into words how much I love you, all of you, your my family and my mom she's amazing, you all can do this I'm here for you guys I care, you guys I just fucking love you, and thanks, stay strong. that's part of my life story sense I know you all I posted it on here. love you guys I am out of reality in a dark state not mentally there, I'm scared and in pain emotionally desturbed, it's killing me eating me alive and I can't take it the monster inside me fighting to get out. so what I might be autistic so what I have issues so what I'm retarded I still stayed strong through all my issues for 4 years if I get off my meds I get physco and crazy and "not there" I'm asbergers but I'm smart and I'm learning to stay strong and control myself, it's killing me it's tearing me apart the monster inside me, feel trapped in my body I need to get out, no people with suits my mom is not gonna die, I love my mom so much I'd die for you, for her birthday I'm writing and singing her a song I love you best mother in the world I'd die for you. sometimes it just stops, and then starts up again, his body cold on the couch, I need you I need you, but he's gone. I love my mom so much, she might need to go to the emergency room and I'll be with her right by her side the whole time, cuz I love her so much I'd do anything for her. anyways I love her I'd die for her, the most amazing person I know I'll be there for her all my life she was there for me through all my struggles, that's right no one fucks with my family. no one understands what would it be like if I was gone, I'm getting worse I need help fuck I feel numb and sick in the head, my brain is malfunctioning I don't know what's real anymore I'm done no one gets me like my mom, I'm scared full of pain I feel blank I'm going crazier I have nothing in me but a trapped girl wanting to get out of her cage, I hate this life I'm never happy, I fake I'm ok so my mom can be happy inside me is a monster inside me is someone else and depression and a no one I don't no what to say anymore what to do I cry myself to sleep all night I really do wanna die, but no inside me is full of mixed emotions a girl scared and full of rage and pain, I'm going numb insane it's killing me I am scared, I could cry for forever I love you mom, I'm so anxious I don't know what's going on, filling the empty hole inside me my moms gonna change, I fake it all it all if you new what goes on in my head u would be crying its scary it's bad I could beat myself till I bleed I hate this I'm not safe everyone is getting sick of me, I'm fucking mental and crazy, I'm the craziest girl you'll meet I was bad gone and really really sick in the head I did all the crazy things you can think, Ive done unsafe and crazy mental things I was a physcopathic, by now it's getting better slowly, my moms my life my reason to live I've had problems and struggles I want to be happy but I'm fighting the fight to get better, I'm here for all of you I might have a dark side I've been abused and I abuse myself but I'm staying strong I'm here for all of you, I love you as family and I love my mom to death and I love my mom I feel so numbed like no one knows how I feel and my problems got so bad my dark old self grew stronger than weaker, I wasn't in reality, and who I am? darkness... I've had out of body experiences out of it mentally, emotionally I was controlled by my dark side I went all out I might be crazy but I'm fighting, I'm gonna be happy i love you mom forever I've changed for the worst my mom is gonna change for the worse I just know it. darkness is taking control of me I can't control it. but I love you I love you I'm sorry I SORRY don't take me away, I've tried suicide nope not successful, I'm done but I want to make everybody proud, cuz I love you all with all my heart even tho I feel invisible like a nobody a fighter very violent I'm strong and you guys can stay strong to I'll help you every step of the way, don't you even try calling me weak I'm strong IM STRONG!!!! I don't get feelings, I'm feeling feelings I'm worried and paranoid , no one messes with my mom or I'll beat there bitch ass no one cares or understands me cuz I'm like a puzzle very complicated and crazy but I'm blessed with my family and I can stay strong through my troubles I'm sorry to everybody for being a failure a freak a mentally ill sick child I haven't pleased anyone what if I disappeared left fade away I hate this my crazy ass can end up in another institution, but I'm staying with my mom and I'm mentally 7 in the head my brain is messed up there's something wrong but what the fuck ever I LOVE MY MOM WITH MY LIFE ! I can stay strong. no more crazy me he he xP "Let's go crazy don't be fine go be sane and lose ur mind don't be fraid to lose your mind, nothing's the same, tears I shed but no words can describe the pain I feel, numb.. I LOVE YOU xx I'm losing my mind no sense scared trying to crawl out of my own skin, trapped, full of rage feeling numb, his body was moving he's not dead he's alive. why am I the only one going crazy why aren't I happy ? what if I was just an illusion I don't wanna go insane again or back to the hospital... this is how it is, welcome to the ends welcome to my life, I love you my family listen I've had a hard shitty life, lots of issues lots of treatment, I don't know what's real or what's fake I don't have touch with reality I wanna get help I wanna get better, I have faith in God he can help me turn around my life and my behaviors, I can do this, fuck you haters, I love myself again. NO MORE CRAZYNESS, I may be sick in the head I may be depressed and have problems, I care for you all and I'm learning to love my life. if I could get better in my head and my mental state even though I'm not in a good place or mentally in darkness you don't know what goes on in my head. I'm scared I don't know what's going on what's happening welcome to the ends, I'm sorry for becoming darkness, if you knew how crazy I was, you would know how far I've come through all my treatment my brain is messed up I might have a brain tumor a clot in my brain I'm not myself I'm dark I'm crazy I'm mental I have problems but I can make it through, I love you all who have always stuck by my side, I haven't been the hospital for a month I haven't done all that dangerous crazy shit in three months, I'm always sticking by your side I love you as family , I still have unresolved issues but I can do this I CAN BE STRONG ITZs NOT OVER YET! I may be out of it crazy on medication but guess what I CAN MAKE IT x.x Dont worry bout me i might not be stable but im staying strong... ●2% MoreOf My Life Story TRIGGER WARNING!!! ●2% MoreOf My Life Story TRIGGER WARNING!!! So here is my story. I've been thru hell all my life and I have attachment issues cuz of my past torture hell and trauma . I usually have an estimate of 5,6,7 breakdowns a day. I'm used to everything that it's sickening. I've always acted out dangerously and unsafely. Later on after my ex girlfriend Kimberly died I realized that she was the one that framed me for giving my illegally adopted son Anthony drugs and after the car accident , I saw Kim laughing and pointing at Me and later on before she hung herself... she said Anthony was never mine he was hers , and I would never be a mother, and that's why my mom always was a bitch to me. My mom NEVER would kick me out, or so I thought, after I came home from Foster Care she acted strange , not as bad as before. And she kicked me out then took me back in then kicked me out and so on and so forth. I was in LA getting fucked up and on one occasion 2 guys got me really drunk and I woke up In the bathroom and my pants were down and I was on my cycle and everyone saw, I went to the ER, and they said I got raped (again) in the period of my 12th time being homeless. I got raped over 20 times . I almost got killed multiple times, on one occasion I was walking and a van pulled up to the curb and they pointed a gun towards me and told me to get in, I did and they raped me in the back seat and they force fed me, gave me some meth and pointed the gun towards my head the whole way towards there house... they were master bating and would shove there dirty hands down my throat they forced me to have oral. When we got to there house they had a knife up to my throat and I screamed and then the rest was a blackout and I ended up on some strangers lawn . I go to Journey Tay in Spruce street in Corona, I constantly go to CSU and I have a physciatrist and a therapist, but I'm closed off and very touchy with everyone cus my social anxiety trust issues and past trauma. I know I'm broken damaged and helpless but I have a strong faith in God!!!! Anyways on 12/25/2018.. there was this boy approached me during Christmas Eve, and he acted completely fine and normal and caring and sweet and kind hearted and usually I can tell when somethings off. He led me into his trap, I gave him a kiss, and we laughed and. Hung out and we were texting over FaceBook messenger, he constantly asked where I lived and I started to connect with him. On Christmas Day after we opened Christmas gifts we went to Starbucks and he texted me and told me he was at Starbucks, I noticed him getting weird, he didn't look good at all.. he kept telling me about getting liquor , I mentioned it first , but I changed my mind and he wouldn't stop . We went to a Walmart where there was nobody there cus Of Christmas. We hung out . We were heading out and he spotted a soda machine, he asked me for a dollar and he put it in the soda machine and I asked where's mine, he said he had a dollar and I was putting mine back in my purse, I was recording with my iPod touch , and in a split of a second he grabbed my I touch and my wallet with over 400 dollars in it. pushed me and ran, it scared me cus it was out of nowhere. And I gave him my all. And I was hurt. And I still can't believe it's true , that all of that was an act, I thought it was for my movie cus we were making a movie , I got up and nobody cared, some people laughed, and I called the cops, not even the security or the costumers care, nobody cares. The cops showed up and she asked me questions, and I'm going to court and there doing an investigation . After that my PTSD got 20 times worse and I started acting out having more episodes and I felt alone. I had another physcotic break . I've been to court many times for many reasons : I spend most my holidays away, I spent mine at CSU, and I got worse, I started smoking hookah and I started cutting and popping my meds again, trying to overdose once again . And my behaviors and mental state of mind and insanity and physcotic episodes got worse. They still are. And I know I have support. I'm here for you all , stay strong. May God Be With You!!!!! ●Angelique/Ezxekyal "Izzy" Magdalinoz-Martinez ||Sara Nicole Pierce ||Br0k3n R0z3z ||Tyler Fiaskko-Alvaro||

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🔥🥀🥀🔥23% Of My Life Story; Your Not Alone🔥🥀🥀🔥

🥀🥀Mental Physcotic Breakdown/Episode . This is one of my least explicit ones. Meet Tyler Fiaskko-Alvaro x🥀🥀 😔😞W3lc0m3 T0 Th3 W0rld 0f I33y Magdalinoz-Martinez/Br0k3n R0z3z/Sara Pi3rce/Tyl3r Mandelanoz. This is my life. 0r 21% 0f It. TRIGGER WARNING!!! ●21%0F.MY.LIFE ||UDATED VERSION: ...|| 🥀Itz Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez,BiRomantic-Asexual. I am am recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &1 Year Clean (used every drug except shrooms, Molly and Bathsalts) .I use to forget about my pain, I went to rehabs,(CHYC as mental health and drugNAlcohol Treatment for a year, went to NA and AA?meetings once a week) I’m 21 years old, my dad died In 2011 (of a reported heart attack, but I thought I killed him, I tried to kill him in his sleep multiple times), but he abused me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when the torture got worse, when he hit my mom I started going on a rampage) (beenThruTraumaSince4till2monthsAgo) but I couldn’t tell my mom he was abusing me and torturing me (on multiple occasions on our "father-daughter trips" or when we were alone) or he would sell me or kill me, so I had mixed feelings he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr, he also made me go to the bathroom && strip for him, he would shoot me up and laugh),, i was out on the streets at first in 2012 (I want insane and lost it in May of 2011), now I’m homeless 13 times (witnessed a lot of crimes, did crimes, a lot happened to me also I did a lot as well) ,getting arrested, in fights, almost been killed, I rose a 9 year old kid (now 14 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was I an abusive foster home, so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in, I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away,after acar accident&igot framed for giving him drugs,&Inever seen him since,Kimberly and i adopted him from an abusive foster home, after me and Kimberly broke up cuz she was cheating on me with my friend Jeremy and b4 Anthony got taken we went 2 court and Kim got all parental rights and i had to pay child support and got superviszed visits, Jeremy Baraz later told me that Kimberly and him were engaged, I got heated and flipped out and he raped me and we got into an altercation, he helped me on the streets&&was my partner in crime , he bailed me out at the police station (after I got put on temporary probation for continually committing crimes and trashing a strangers car cuz there was drugs in there and they were going to go after my son with that car and drug him up, later they cut the probation if I went to long term rehab) , Ishmael Baraz (Jeremys brother, also guided me and later on got into a shooting scene, so i had to bail him out, only fair u know, we went crazy and i almost got killed and so did he, i pointed the gun towards the officer and stated "if you don't let my friend go, I will shoot u and all of ur officers", and they tazed me (and on multiple other occasions went crazy on police, grabbed the gun , gotten tazed, got the cops called on me for no reason but sometimes 4A reason, im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.) he was a convicted felon, && We were all in a cop chase, we made it to OC with Jeremy, and later on Jeremy &Ismhael myBuddyzGotSh0t isaw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well, &iwasProstituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused 4 money4us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live), after that incident of Anthony getting taken Kimberly tried to kill me in my sleep with Ambien.a meth needle and vodka.i woke up in an ER, and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried 2 st0p her, but I was 2latee ,been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets,&by sum1 Idon’t wanna talk about (now I'm coming clean, it was Kimberly) I was in Foster Care a couple times, the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drugaddicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one, Angela/Andrea and Jimmy had a meth lab in there house and I slept in the middle of the attic, they locked me up in there) , first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents, and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide) I’ve been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital, lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, multiple treatment centers, crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times), 2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each) group homes (Rancho Domocitas), Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls) rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others), shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz), the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino), been in car accidents (over 10 times),I’ve been arrested and detained by a lot of cops in Corona (know mostly all of them, a lot of other people know me in Riverside), I have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade, I’ve attempted suicide over 50 timesXI’ve self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods) Ihave bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode), pre diabetes (got rid of).depression (major depressive disorder).paranioa.anxiety.Buliemia.insomnia.Dissociative Identity Fued.skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ptsd,ocd,attachment disorder.Autism.borderlinepersonality.amnesia.multiple personality disorder, anorexia, && im deaf in my right ear, near sighted, motion sickness, social anxiety, gastridous, && lastly, chronic body pain .....i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much) been0nallmentalHealthmedication (I mean ALL, including narcotics and Benzos, and any pill u can use to get high) ppl TriedToSend Me2 MetropolitanStateHospital(highestLevelOfCare), IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions, ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship, and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on 4 occasions (personal reasons) I’ve never had a stable home since 2011,now on Augest of 2018 I’m finally home,ihelp others cus im used to people not caring about me, I have trust issues,im always there2help to care to make sure thereok and I don’t stop.StayStronq,,.It's Izzy Here Again. I Have 22 different voices/demons/visions in my head. Johnny Garcia, Lily, Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos , Charlotte McMann, Wesley Garcia, Constance McMann, Dancing Fire (demon like archangel misunderstood in the form of fire, might be another world trying 2 contact me), Chandy/Gladdis/Leon/Charlene/Raul/Ralphie/George/Michaela aka Michael(all characters from my movie etc.), Erin Ramos. DANCING Squares, Duplicates of People, Bad Mommy/Good Mommy, Bad Daddy/Good Daddy, Visions&Hallucinations of Past/Future, Cones, Red Dots, Flyerway, Veronica/Victoria Enxxellia, Objects Having Force On Me, Flying Objects, Demons Posessing Me. SatanslashGod (can't tell the difference), Richard Enxxellia, Three 7's, Seventy Three 6's, Puppoi (A Duplicate Of My Puppy Raskcal), Mr.OutOfDate, NXSP (0ne Of The Alter Worlds I Live In As Liz Ramos, as I raise hell with Johnny "JJ" Garcia (I try to kill him on multiple occasions but I pulled the Red Wire && he got worse), The Ends (The End Of NXSP it's worse than hell itself times infinity 100 percent), Jonathan Maqranga, TwentyStepsForward, Edgar "Eddie" Alejandria, Dancing Rooms, UglyBitterSky, TheFuckAllTheWayUpInTheSky, Chillwax Alejandria, People From My Past, A Vivid Movie Like Form Of My Whole Past From Beginning To End Flashing By In My Head (Random Times, Coordinated by Dancing Fire Themself), ClosedOptions, Paid2Kill Hernandez, etc.. I Got Chocked, Raped, Tortured, Tied Up, Shot At, Tied To A Tree, Slept In Bathrooms && In Cars (Having Blake Follow Me Into Everywhere I Go && Went into the bathroom , shoving knives, pins, needles, food, guns, sticks, and other shit inside me and he would rape me and if i talked he would kill me. I met Blake at a gas station 3 times to give me my drugs and alcohol paid by for sex with him), I Had 3 Drug Dealers, Juan Torres, Blake Vandiego, Luis Alexander (last name unknown, all of these people didn't give me there real last names, they Identified as what they told me to call them) Blake did the worst torture (playing cakes with me, roleplaying, video taping the torture, I woke up in my bed and he woke me up with 12 meth needles, and we played Pin The Donkey. he would cut me, slice me, bang my body parts on brick walls, put 2 guns in my mouth, 1 gun in each ear, and beat me, burned me, shoved a lighter turned on in my pussy and my butt, he would light me up, and so much much much more torture, all for drugs and money when I became poor), Luis did the 2nd worse torture (he would put a gun to my head at every meal time , beat me, had rough uncosensual sex, played games with me chasing me naked in the hotel room but while playing my sex tapes on the TV, and he would make me sleep outside, all 4 drugs/money when I needed it), and Juan did no torture except (rape me and made me do crimes like the other two did, but he was the sweetest) me and Juan dated for about 4 months, then he perposed, I SAID yes, 4 weeks later he asked me to marry him, and I said no, he said it was fine but 4 weeks later he killed himself with 5 whole bottles of Gabapentin. I Got tortured by more than all 3 of these people. I was a BAD bad bad kid at 12, I was criminally and critically insane, and I did insane things, my behaviors were extremely dangerous/violent/brutal/physcotic/homoscidally insane. 0n 0ne occasion I tried to kill my mom and brother (to take them to Heaven with me), my dad, People on the streets and many many others. I've almost been to Juvenial Hall/Jail on multiple occasions. In the dark Kimberly tried to kill me after she got high on Spice. she reenacted a scene from Criminal Minds that she saw. I was being chased with a knife around my motel room with Anthony watching (he's my son, not by blood but by heart cuz blood doesn't make family), Lisa 0ne Of My Foster Parents would treat me well but on one occasion and one occasion only, she put a gun to my head and told me to shoot her first and than me . so we could escape from this world. I refused and she started drinking heavily , I was her only friend, she had a BAD past as well. her behaviors changed drastically and I would have 2 watch her hurt herself, drink, walk around naked singing Kill Me Kill Me Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead, and What Is Love, I watched her self harm and I tried 2 stop her, but whenever I tried to she would scream and give the gun to me again, she is currently (she's dead but awhile later) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease, Autism, Skitzophrenia, and PTSD. She killed herself later on. When I was a patient in multiple of the placements/hospitals/lockdown treatment centers/rehabs/crisis centers/stabilization units etc etc. I would misbehave really badly, I would have protected sex, get in fights, extreme physcotic episodes, do drugs when it was not permitted, I'm used to doing worse crimes on the streets anyways.I got bullied 4 the 1st time inside of CHYC, last but yes least, DAMGEROUSLY CRAZY ME wants to tell u one more thing, when I was homeless, A boy named Timothy Sagaste (not real last name) lead me on and we got engaged after 6 months of dating cuz we were so close, I trusted him, we had a connection, but after leading me on for so long I thought things were TOO perfect, and I was right, after I got engaged to him, we had a romantic dinner &; he told me that he was seeing someone else, that he pretendedthat he liked me, pretended our whole relationship everything about it, he told me he was breaking up with me and I Got heated and beat him up and tried to kill him but he finally grabbed the shotgun and knife out of my hands, Tied me to the bed and told me to "Go Kill Yourself Sara, You DON'T DESERVE LOVE, U DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE, YOUR A MISTAKE , THAT'S WHY NO-ONE EVER LOVED YOU, YOUR AN UGLY SLUT TRASHY WHORE AND U NEED TO GO 2 HELL, UR A SHITTY MOM PAYING CHILD SUPPORT. I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE AT UR FUNERAL AND GUESS WHAT HOE,, IM GONNA LAUGH" He went on and on , he us3d my life story and my past against me, after he was done , he took out his phone and video taped me afterward. and he shouted "How Do U Like Me Now" I Got up and grabbed my Medication bottles (Lithium, Adavan, Gabalentin, Abilify, Welbuitren, Zoloft, Vicodin, Seroquel, Norcos, Xanex, Rhresperdol, Atarax, Ambien, My Meth Needle, My Knifes, Guns, Cigarrette Lighters, and My Xprexa and ran into the bathroom, I took a whole bottle of each medication, I made slits in my arm, wrist, neck, I burned myself in the pussy and in my legs (just like how Blake did it) but I hurt myself 20 times worse than anybody ever had, I went physco and I shot myself up in both my arms with meth and heroin, I did the worst torture to myself worse than anybody ever had. I reenacted Blake, Luis ,and Juans torture , plus everyone who has ever tortured me, I did it worse. I put the gun to my head, I added more bullets and i pulled the trigger, I woke up in an ER, and they said I passed out before the bullet hit my head, so now I realize that I was lucky. God Bless everyone and everything, this is the FULL 20% of my 100% of my life story. Fuck Love, Trust N0B0DY && Stay Strong, btw it feels like somethings crawling all over me/or I'm crawling out of my skin , it happens a lot, take care I'm here. ~IzzyMagdalinozMartinez]🥀 -Who I Am Is Darkness- 8/5/14 MY.STORY. xc hey, I know my dad may have died, after that, I went crazy, physco mental in the head I lost myself I built an emotional wall around myself, I lost my mind and went insane, did dangerous shit that I regr...et, I grew a dark side, I started having hallucinations, different personalities I got possessed, I have REALLY bad anger issues, 34 suicide attempts 50 mental hospital visits a level 14 residential treatment center in Utah and went to a group home called Rancho Domacitas. people were scared of me, I felt numb weak and empty rages and rages of explosive anger and violence, I abused myself to death, I grew worse and worse I ran away anxiety skitzophrenia depression anger violence drugs self harm suicide homoscide there's more things that no one knows about but I was a crazy bitch, I wanted to die, my hallucinations grew worse and worse I smoked my problems away "Johnny" my main hallucination abused me physically and mentally, tbh I don't know who I was I saw my deceased dad, I got the cops called on me, Johnny took full control and I went physco, I had mental episodes bad mental breakdowns ran away everyday got in reastraints started fighting, I wanted to die, I wrote a suicide letter, plenty of times I attempted but I busted my moms door down and started taking pills, I abused myself by cutting punching slamming any self harm possible my anger became to violent I mean I was a mental fucking mess, finally I lost myself so hard so bad I couldn't feel or breathe or think, I just went black, I had blackouts and then I realized I did some really dangerous stupid shit. my life was hard and I still wanted to die and take my family with me I had no touch with reality and my medication wasn't helping, I was done I thought my mom was verbally attacking me but she wasn't, I was pretty messed up, I had a dark side I had so much pain and hurt inside me I was broken and shattered I hated myself because I was a fucking mentally Ill fuck up, I had nightmares about abuse. I wanted my daddy back, I didn't believe he was dead, everyday I grew crazier to the point where I couldn't control it. and I was lost and very very sick you don't even know most of the shit I've done, I was so crazy so I got sent away for a year I got help even when I acted out, I went to a step down group home and all the hospitals. I finally could feel again, and now I'm getting better and back on track. and I find myself again thanks to all you amazing beautiful people I love to call family I don't and can't even put into words how much I love you, all of you, your my family and my mom she's amazing, you all can do this I'm here for you guys I care, you guys I just fucking love you, and thanks, stay strong. that's part of my life story sense I know you all I posted it on here. love you guys I am out of reality in a dark state not mentally there, I'm scared and in pain emotionally desturbed, it's killing me eating me alive and I can't take it the monster inside me fighting to get out. so what I might be autistic so what I have issues so what I'm retarded I still stayed strong through all my issues for 4 years if I get off my meds I get physco and crazy and "not there" I'm asbergers but I'm smart and I'm learning to stay strong and control myself, it's killing me it's tearing me apart the monster inside me, feel trapped in my body I need to get out, no people with suits my mom is not gonna die, I love my mom so much I'd die for you, for her birthday I'm writing and singing her a song I love you best mother in the world I'd die for you. sometimes it just stops, and then starts up again, his body cold on the couch, I need you I need you, but he's gone. I love my mom so much, she might need to go to the emergency room and I'll be with her right by her side the whole time, cuz I love her so much I'd do anything for her. anyways I love her I'd die for her, the most amazing person I know I'll be there for her all my life she was there for me through all my struggles, that's right no one fucks with my family. no one understands what would it be like if I was gone, I'm getting worse I need help fuck I feel numb and sick in the head, my brain is malfunctioning I don't know what's real anymore I'm done no one gets me like my mom, I'm scared full of pain I feel blank I'm going crazier I have nothing in me but a trapped girl wanting to get out of her cage, I hate this life I'm never happy, I fake I'm ok so my mom can be happy inside me is a monster inside me is someone else and depression and a no one I don't no what to say anymore what to do I cry myself to sleep all night I really do wanna die, but no inside me is full of mixed emotions a girl scared and full of rage and pain, I'm going numb insane it's killing me I am scared, I could cry for forever I love you mom, I'm so anxious I don't know what's going on, filling the empty hole inside me my moms gonna change, I fake it all it all if you new what goes on in my head u would be crying its scary it's bad I could beat myself till I bleed I hate this I'm not safe everyone is getting sick of me, I'm fucking mental and crazy, I'm the craziest girl you'll meet I was bad gone and really really sick in the head I did all the crazy things you can think, Ive done unsafe and crazy mental things I was a physcopathic, by now it's getting better slowly, my moms my life my reason to live I've had problems and struggles I want to be happy but I'm fighting the fight to get better, I'm here for all of you I might have a dark side I've been abused and I abuse myself but I'm staying strong I'm here for all of you, I love you as family and I love my mom to death and I love my mom I feel so numbed like no one knows how I feel and my problems got so bad my dark old self grew stronger than weaker, I wasn't in reality, and who I am? darkness... I've had out of body experiences out of it mentally, emotionally I was controlled by my dark side I went all out I might be crazy but I'm fighting, I'm gonna be happy i love you mom forever I've changed for the worst my mom is gonna change for the worse I just know it. darkness is taking control of me I can't control it. but I love you I love you I'm sorry I SORRY don't take me away, I've tried suicide nope not successful, I'm done but I want to make everybody proud, cuz I love you all with all my heart even tho I feel invisible like a nobody a fighter very violent I'm strong and you guys can stay strong to I'll help you every step of the way, don't you even try calling me weak I'm strong IM STRONG!!!! I don't get feelings, I'm feeling feelings I'm worried and paranoid , no one messes with my mom or I'll beat there bitch ass no one cares or understands me cuz I'm like a puzzle very complicated and crazy but I'm blessed with my family and I can stay strong through my troubles I'm sorry to everybody for being a failure a freak a mentally ill sick child I haven't pleased anyone what if I disappeared left fade away I hate this my crazy ass can end up in another institution, but I'm staying with my mom and I'm mentally 7 in the head my brain is messed up there's something wrong but what the fuck ever I LOVE MY MOM WITH MY LIFE ! I can stay strong. no more crazy me he he xP "Let's go crazy don't be fine go be sane and lose ur mind don't be fraid to lose your mind, nothing's the same, tears I shed but no words can describe the pain I feel, numb.. I LOVE YOU xx I'm losing my mind no sense scared trying to crawl out of my own skin, trapped, full of rage feeling numb, his body was moving he's not dead he's alive. why am I the only one going crazy why aren't I happy ? what if I was just an illusion I don't wanna go insane again or back to the hospital... this is how it is, welcome to the ends welcome to my life, I love you my family listen I've had a hard shitty life, lots of issues lots of treatment, I don't know what's real or what's fake I don't have touch with reality I wanna get help I wanna get better, I have faith in God he can help me turn around my life and my behaviors, I can do this, fuck you haters, I love myself again. NO MORE CRAZYNESS, I may be sick in the head I may be depressed and have problems, I care for you all and I'm learning to love my life. if I could get better in my head and my mental state even though I'm not in a good place or mentally in darkness you don't know what goes on in my head. I'm scared I don't know what's going on what's happening welcome to the ends, I'm sorry for becoming darkness, if you knew how crazy I was, you would know how far I've come through all my treatment my brain is messed up I might have a brain tumor a clot in my brain I'm not myself I'm dark I'm crazy I'm mental I have problems but I can make it through, I love you all who have always stuck by my side, I haven't been the hospital for a month I haven't done all that dangerous crazy shit in three months, I'm always sticking by your side I love you as family , I still have unresolved issues but I can do this I CAN BE STRONG ITZs NOT OVER YET! I may be out of it crazy on medication but guess what I CAN MAKE IT x.x Dont worry bout me i might not be stable but im staying strong... ●2% MoreOf My Life Story TRIGGER WARNING!!! So here is my story. I’ve been thru hell all my life and I have attachment issues cuz of my past torture hell and trauma . I usually have an estimate of 5,6,7 breakdowns a day. I’m used to everything that it’s sickening. I’ve always acted out dangerously and unsafely. Later on after my ex girlfriend Kimberly died I realized that she was the one that framed me for giving my illegally adopted son Anthony drugs and after the car accident , I saw Kim laughing and pointing at Me and later on before she hung herself... she said Anthony was never mine he was hers , and I would never be a mother, and that’s why my mom always was a bitch to me. My mom NEVER would kick me out, or so I thought, after I came home from Foster Care she acted strange , not as bad as before. And she kicked me out then took me back in then kicked me out and so on and so forth. I was in LA getting fucked up and on one occasion 2 guys got me really drunk and I woke up In the bathroom and my pants were down and I was on my cycle and everyone saw, I went to the ER, and they said I got raped (again) in the period of my 12th time being homeless. I got raped over 20 times . I almost got killed multiple times, on one occasion I was walking and a van pulled up to the curb and they pointed a gun towards me and told me to get in, I did and they raped me in the back seat and they force fed me, gave me some meth and pointed the gun towards my head the whole way towards there house... they were master bating and would shove there dirty hands down my throat they forced me to have oral. When we got to there house they had a knife up to my throat and I screamed and then the rest was a blackout and I ended up on some strangers lawn . I go to Journey Tay in Spruce street in Corona, I constantly go to CSU and I have a physciatrist and a therapist, but I’m closed off and very touchy with everyone cus my social anxiety trust issues and past trauma. I know I’m broken damaged and helpless but I have a strong faith in God!!!! Anyways on 12/25/2018.. there was this boy approached me during Christmas Eve, and he acted completely fine and normal and caring and sweet and kind hearted and usually I can tell when somethings off. He led me into his trap, I gave him a kiss, and we laughed and. Hung out and we were texting over FaceBook messenger, he constantly asked where I lived and I started to connect with him. On Christmas Day after we opened Christmas gifts we went to Starbucks and he texted me and told me he was at Starbucks, I noticed him getting weird, he didn’t look good at all.. he kept telling me about getting liquor , I mentioned it first , but I changed my mind and he wouldn’t stop . We went to a Walmart where there was nobody there cus Of Christmas. We hung out . We were heading out and he spotted a soda machine, he asked me for a dollar and he put it in the soda machine and I asked where’s mine, he said he had a dollar and I was putting mine back in my purse, I was recording with my iPod touch , and in a split of a second he grabbed my I touch and my wallet with over 400 dollars in it. pushed me and ran, it scared me cus it was out of nowhere. And I gave him my all. And I was hurt. And I still can’t believe it’s true , that all of that was an act, I thought it was for my movie cus we were making a movie , I got up and nobody cared, some people laughed, and I called the cops, not even the security or the costumers care, nobody cares. The cops showed up and she asked me questions, and I’m going to court and there doing an investigation . After that my PTSD got 20 times worse and I started acting out having more episodes and I felt alone. I had another physcotic break . I’ve been to court many times for many reasons : I spend most my holidays away, I spent mine at CSU, and I got worse, I started smoking hookah and I started cutting and popping my meds again, trying to overdose once again . And my behaviors and mental state of mind and insanity and physcotic episodes got worse. They still are. And I know I have support. I’m here for you all , stay strong. May God Be With You!!!!! ●Angelique/Ezxekyal "Izzy" Magdalinoz-Martinez ||Sara Nicole Pierce ||Br0k3n R0z3z ||Tyler Fiaskko-Alvaro ●MY INFO: PHONE NUMBER: 951-415-0541 ||WATTPAD (WHERE I'M WORKING ON WRITING MY LIFE STORY) Ms_SweetInsanityyx ||MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL: TwistedMetal411 ||MY INSTAGRAM: Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez😔😔 **__**🖤5% More Of My Life Story🖤 I sold myself, prostituted myself for about a year, and tortured myself while people tortured me 24/7 everyday. Msybe got raped 50 times a day. Tortured 200 times a day and i was there bitch. They didnt even pay me. Watch out and be careful hun I walked into Angela/Andrea and Jimmy Millers house, the 2nd out of the 3 foster homes i waz in, there was a 9 year old kid getting abused, like how they tied me to a tree and tortured me. They tourtured me so much on a 24/7 daily bases, worse than my bio dad. The 9 year olds name was Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was autistic and had PTSD and ADHD, self harm, anger and suicidal issues. I got tortured for him, whenever Angela tried to torture him, i got in the way, any kind of abuse and torture and traumatic thing that coulda happened to me. It did. Finally i got a day pass out of the house. I got arrested and started doing criminal things, insane and dangerous things, i was walking on the side of the freeway, i came back, and i saw Angela and Jimmy fighting, Jimmy was tired of Angela torturing me and the other kids, Anthony was outside tied to the tree. I untied him and i stole him, i ran to LA, taking buses and trains, i found a motel, i tried to convince them to let us in, cuz i was technically homeless -again- they let us stay for 3 nights, I called up Kimberly, and she met us over there, Kimberly started torturing me worse and before. She set me up in the sex trade, i had 40 to 70 people a day, guys and girls, torture, abuse, rape, beat, drug me up. For money for us to live and take care of Anthony, she was the RingLeader, per say. I took care of Anthony as my own, Kimberly did absolutely nothing, nothing at all. She paid everyone to torture me, i was a drug addict and alcoholic. Hardcore, and the more i was high and loaded, the less i felt, at this point in time, I didnt know that Kimberly was the head of all this, one of the guys who continuously tortured me, was trying to go after Anthony, and i stepped in front of him and took the torture, Anthony kept asking me if i was his real mom, i couldnt answer that question. I cried everynight. Jeremy Carlos Baraz came in and started yelling at Kimberly, i was curious, but as soon as i walked in, Jeremy had a gun up to her head, Kimberly told Jeremy to "Go Shoot Izzy, i have nothing u want, she has meth and cocaine", Jeremy told me to go to my room, when he left will all my drugs, Kimberly stormed into my room, i was sleeping on my floor like usual, so Anthony had a place to sleep. Kim told me that it was my fault, and "i coulda got killed, and its all your fault" she called some of her "friends" to come "handle some business" about 10 people came in, and they came in my room, and they started literally torturing me. They tied me to the bed, about 20 + more people came in, and they drugged me up, they beat me, tortured me jn every way possible, (later i found out that they filmed it, and it was Kimberlys idea) they raped me, but i was so used to it that i couldn't feel anything. I tried to scream, so they ducktaped my mouth, they said "you speak, you die" the more i resisted, the more i got tortured. They put a gun to my head, 4 people had a gun each, and two guns were pointed towards each side of my head. It came a daily thing, for weeks, my mom didnt know about anything, she still thought i was at the foster home i ran away from. Each day more and more people came. On the weekends i had more time with Anthony, but i took care of him as my own. Kimberly did shit. I almost died multiple times. But it was my job to protect and provide for Anthony. Kimberly was still my girlfriend, we were engaged. And if i left, all hell would break loose. So i stayed, stupid me. _________ **The kids in Angela/Andrea && Jimmys Home; __Englasias "Enji" Moreno-Miller: Enji is a hard core drug addict and alcoholic. He got diagnosed with Bipolar, Anxiety and PTSD, hes Angela/Andrea and Jimmy Millers foster-son, Hes 20 years old, he sneaks drugs in the house. Andrea/Angela Miller still abuses him, doesnt matter if hes her son or not. Mainly cuz hes bisexual. They had a custody battle to who gets to mske Enji's life decisions. Jimmy hates when Andrea/Angela abuses Enji. *The Meaning Behind "Enji": Enji was a name i made up for him, because he hates the name Englasias cuz its what Andrea/Angela calls him when she abuses him. So i made up a nick name for him __Giovanni "Gio" Santiago: Giovanni is a 22 year old male. He got put into foster care, when he was 9, Angela/Andrea torturex him obsessivly. In all ways, but Jimmy payz her to do it. Gio has Schizophrenia, Anxiety. pTsd, depression, anorexia, borderline personality, and paranoid physcosis. Angela/Andrea tortures him for no reason, Gio is the oldest of all the people in the house, i usually step in and take the torture for Gio, me and Gio dated for 2 months, then broke up cuz of Andrea/Angelas stupid rules. I protect Gio, were really close, Jimmy abuses him sexually physically by mentally. *The Meaning Behind "Gio": Gio is the name i gave him, also know as Gizmo, when he and i were playing "foster home" even tho we were already in one lol. Gio Gio Giovanni, we were goofballs, rebels, and sassy queens. We had a lot of fun and were always there to eachother nonstop, and helped eachother, we became to close. Wayyy to close. Love u Gio Gio Giovanni. __Nancy/Susan "Andrew" Augustine: Nancy is a 15 year old trasngender female to male. So his pronouns are "he/him/his", he went into foster care a year after he was born, he got put into an orphanage. At the age of 2, Nancy was his birth name. And he hasnt gotten it legally changed so Angela/Andrea calls him a "her" and he hates it. Angela/Andrea rapes him, drugs him, force feeds him, and physically abuses him. I call him Andrew, and he told me its his "preferred name" he likes to sing and write. Me and him have sing offs, and we write songs stories and poems together. *The Meaning Behind "Andrew": Susan Augustine was born a female but then transitioned to male, Susan hated her name, but whenever Angela/Andrea kept abusing and torturing her, and kept using "her/she/hers" it triggered Andrew. So i asked "which name do u preferr, Andrew or Susan" i made him feel welcome and was always there for him, and i wanted to help him to the end, noatter the circumstances, i overhelped him. And i helped him get started with SSI, Mental Health Stuff, and getting a name change. And taking the torture from him and i took it for and instead of him. Andrea/Angela, hated me for it. But i did it anyways. Love u Andrew, he attempted suicide, overdosed on his meds, i found him and called 911, and he was rushd to the ER, he never came home after that. I miss u. :( __Monica "Monee" Palmer: Monica is a 18 year old female, she was a rebel, she was my best friend, and i helped and was there 4 her obsessivly. Jimmy raped her several times. Andrea beat and tortured her to death, and i hit Andrea over the head with a frying pan and i beat her and attempted to slice her throat, i took the torture for Monica, Ive never seen Jimmy that fuxked up before, he was on PCP, and so was i. Me and Andrea got into an altercation, it involved alcohol, PCP, a gun, glass, and a knife. Me and Andrea/Angela went at it. Jimmy recorded it, and i told everyone to get out of the house. Me and Andrea/Angela went one on one for hours. I pointed the gun towards her, and Monica saw, she was crying. I threw Andrea/Angela out a glass window, after she tortured me extra bad and she taped my mouth shut, she raped abused, tortured, drugged. Burned and almost killed me. Jimmy ran out of the house after i threw Andrea/Angela out the glass window. They never had a license to run a foster home. Monica hugged me and Jimmy was crying, bur not for his wife. For me and everything he did to me, and To Monica. *The Meaning Behind "Monee": Monee, is short for Monique, which is a name that her grandma gave her, Monica always kept that name, even after her grandma passed away, Monica grew up without parents, and was sent to live with her grandma. After she passed Monica moved in to Jimmy and Angela/Andrea Millers house, and shes been trying to escape, she attempted a lot, but was always brought back to there house. __Anthony "Lil'Toni" Castillo-Martinez (My Unbio Son, Who Got Taken From Me, I Risked My Life To Raise Him, I Raised Him As My Own) i met Anthony Castillo when he was 9, none of us knew who his real parents are, but i took him in as my own, i risked my life to take care and provide for him, i did all i could possibly do to help and care and be there to him, he was autistic and had PTSD and ADHD, self harm, anger and suicidal issues. I got tortured for him, whenever Angela tried to torture him, i got in the way, any kind of abuse and torture and traumatic thing that coulda happened to me. It did, whether i wanted it to or not, Anthony tried to kill himself after he couldn't find out who his real parents were, I found out Anthony used to live with his aunt and uncle, Sarah and George Castillo, they both gave him up to his previous foster mom, Cherri Martinez, cuz he was "to hard to handle", (i figured out that his favorite color was pink, and he loved teddy bears, i still have the pink teddy bear i bought when i was homeless for the 13th time, in memory of my time with Anthony) Cherri had mental health issues, and whenever she had blown out physical violent fights with her ex-husband, who lost custody over Anthony, Jose Martinez, Anthony would hide and try to leave, but Cherri was to attached to him, she wouldn't let him leave at all, i later found out that Sarah and George Castillo abused him so bad. And then gave him away, to Cherri Martinez, but to this day i never knew who his real parents are, i got tortured abused raped in all ways, and drugged and prostituted and almost killed so i had money to care, provide. Support, be there and help Anthony, we lived in a run down motel, i illegally stole Anthony from his 2nd foster home. Angela/Andrea and Jimmy Miller's house, after i left, i came back to save him, he saw me getting tortured, i took care of him obsessivly, i raised him, and he called me "mommy" and i lost him after a car accident, with me, Kimberly, and Anthony, after it was over, they found drugs in a back seat, and it was me, him and Kimberly in a back seat. But i never gave him drugs, Kimberly and i had a custody battle. And she won, after she accused me of giving him drugs, and CPS took him away, i was broken up, Ricky, the drunk driver, got charged after they found out he was the driver in the car accident, Jeremy Carlos Baraz, who already had a home, after i intervened into his shooting scene, where i violated my probation, (one of my abusive torturers) knew about the whole Kimberly calling CPS, was a part of getting Anthony taken away, and abusing me situation, i confronted him about it, and i got violent towards him, after Kimberly killed herself in front of me, Jeremy admitted he was a part of taking away Anthony for the money cuz he "had to survive", he called the cops on me, I was on cacaine, meth, alcohol, Ativan, And other drugs, i almost died "according to the doctors at the hospital", and Jeremy called the cops and later told me what happened, and instead of me violating my probation i got sent to the mental hospital, (which im known for acting out, getting in restraints, and getting the "bootyjuice" shot); Anthony is now 14 years old, i cant tell u his birthday cuz it waz something he told me to never give out, i hope hes in a good home, 🦋🥀🔥🖤__Posts On Facebook I Made About Anthony__ 🖤🔥🥀🦋 [[🌺🌷⚘🌱🍒🌻🌹Its like I carry a peice of Anthony with me everywhere I go. He is my son x not by blood but by heart x he got taken away from me for Kim's false accusation towards me "Sara gave him drugs" to CPS && he got taken. X I hustled for me , him, my ex girlfriend who killed herself Kimberly Marie Olivarez x Anthony Castillo-Martinez aka AngelEyezx. He loved teddy bears and the color pink. I love him && I miss him and I wanna get him back. I rose him on the streets/in a motel. You will always be in my heart. I hope he's ok. I'm starting to cry as I write this && I'm sorry I couldn't be the best mom but I gave it my all. 0n his 13th birthday I was in the middle of being homeless for the 13th time. I love u son . Forever and always. I wish I could turn back time. But u will always be my son. I hope you remember me. You are a teen now &; I miss u all the time. Love you Lil Tony .🍒🌺⚘🌱💚❤💋Izzy didn't lose, izzy didn't win. I was out in Riverside, I just got a gun pulled at my head, I was strung out , officer Ramirez hand cuffs me, I took Anthony to my hotel, raised him like a son, I didn't know how but I did, I've seen it all, I had to hustle, do illegal things to stay alive, everybody gives up on me but it's ok; Cuz I hurt them by hurting myself, I got raped by Andre , but I made sure little Anthony didn't see what was happening with me, I had no family so I only had me myself and I, I still love even to the loveless, anyone can do anything they put there mind too, I may be crazy but I have a heart, I was heartless and I am truly sorry for anyone I've hurt, or dissapointed, izzy lost it, but she's gaining it back...^.^ .-. “For A Ride” by me, IzzyXM xxxx. 🙃🙃❌🌈♥️♥️♥️“Don’t Trip, Flux It Out N Stay Trippie, I Know It Ain’t Eazy, Off The Streets And Staying Clean, No More Love No More Trust. Sleeping By McDonalds And Shit Was To Hard To Handle, But I Made It, I Took Lil’ Anthony Back When He Got Taken Away, Me Him And MooMoo Ranaway, The Cops Were Right Behind Us, Drunk Driver In The Front, I Took My Seat Belt Off For Just One Second And The Car Crashed, Anthony Was Gone Again, WOW Another Reason To Take Him Away, The Devil Lead Me Astray, I Pulled Out My Gun Cuz I Said Its Time To Have Fun, I Got Drugged Up And I Was On The Run, I Played The System, But Man I Miss Him, Got Six Packs On The Round, So Fucked Up I Was Passed Out On The Ground, Stay Trippie , Take That Dope Out Of Your Eyes, And Fuck Shit Up Till We Die, But Imma Make It Right, Lesh Go For A Lil’ Ride, I Promise, Shit Is Real This Time”~Written By me, IzzyXM 🍷🍷🍷 Old picture!!!!! I kept passing out and falling asleep constantly. My body’s out of whack, I got in a huge fight with my family. My physical health and mental health and health is horrible. I need a place to stay after I get discharged. I called 911. Sorry Anthony i fucked up ur day. I am fucking done man I can’t live any longer. I’ll be ok. I miss you Anthony, I Miss u Kimberly I need u today’s one of my worse days ever . No one understands me I’m trying, no one cares, if I die today no one will miss me or care. I’m trying ok . I’m not going back home. Fuck that. I can’t function at all. People think I’m attention seeking but I’m NOT. Fuck off man . If u don’t fuck with me that’s not my problem. Fuck kill me please 🥀🖕, ♥️♥️♥️I Miss You Anthony , I Need You Anthony! I Can’t Take This Pain, All This Crying, I Am In The Shadows. Goodnight 😔😔😔Song: Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone (Cover by Lighthouse Family) This,song hits me deep cuz it reminds me of my whole past. R.I.P Kimberly Olivarez . I miss u son Anthony Martinez I can't believe your 13! I wish CPS didn't take you away. I miss the streets in a strange way. R.I.P Dad even tho you tortured me my whole life. I'm finally off the streets and me and my mom are still estranged and I feel like I'm losing you. I'm home for the first time permanently since 2011 and I'm recovering for the first time since I had trauma since I was four. I Miss u Jeremy. My friend I met when I was homeless in a hotel room. I can't believe you protected me from harm. You helped me get through Kimberlys death and me losing Anthony. But one day you got sent to the ER and I never associated with you ever since. My life is a game and Imma play my ACE . Then I turned into the joker. Stop The Stigma in Mental health. Physical heath. Homeless people. Sexuality. Drug addicts and alcoholics. Autism . Race. Cutters . Suicidal people. Society in general. This is Izzy MAGDALINOZ Martinez aka Br0k3n R0z3z out here. I love this song lol 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥⚘⚘⚘⚘⚘💔💔No You Don’t Mean Anything At All To Me My unbiological son , Anthony Castillo-Martinez has his 14th birthday is coming up soon , and in August is the day my ex girlfriend Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took my son from me for good , sent him to the hands of CPS and she hung herself right in front of me. I miss my little angel , I still had a CPS case open while I was in foster care (3 different homes) I raised him like my own , I got beaten raped drugged prostituted almost killed arrested , etc to provide money for us to live off of cuz I was homeless again at that time. I love u Lil Tony 💕💕 u will always be in my heart ❤️🙏🙏🙏 I think of you day and night . The song in this video is dedicated to my ex , Kimberly Love U Angel Eyezx , hope ur in a safe place and is being treated well. I miss u 🌷🌷🌷🌷😔😔😔 @ Corona, California. God, thank you for blessing me with Kimberly Aiden “MooMoo” Olivarez, my ex girlfriend, my motel roommate. , me and her have been thru hell and back, when we were both homeless on the streets, we helped eachother out she made sure I was safe and protected me from harm, and I did the same , we’ve been thru a lot , I don’t know where ur at now, but I wish I could hear your voice I wish we could have our old memories back, raising little Anthony when we were on the streets, I remember when we were at The Tyler Mall we dressed up as Mario and Luigi and we ran a muck we were loud hyper rebellious, I remember I got to drunk and you took care of me I remember when u were in a dark point in ur life and I took care of u, we were both in dark points in our life, but we fought thru it, I love u MooMoo, I miss u, thank u God for letting me meet a beautiful blessing in my life. I miss u, I need u right now but we lost contact. I LOVE U MooMoo ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I love you my son, so what if he’s not blood, he’s family xxxx your birthdays coming up soon my lil angel, for last years birthday I was homeless, this time Imma focus and recover for you, so I can get u back xx love u!!!! I always think and wonder how where you are why you got taken away by CPS (thanks a lot Kimberly) I hope your getting taken care of, that ur being treated well cx I can’t believe you’ll be 14 this year , illl be 21 (if any y’all are confused , lemme explain, I didn’t give birth , me and my ex, Kimberly adopted him , I was still on the streets but I got tortured and did sum insane shit to raise money for all of us, Kim made false accusations against me so CPS took Anthony away, then Kimberly hung her self in front of me, idk where Anthony is, But I’m not giving up, it’s been years. Everything happens 4 a reason) I MISS U ANGELEYEZX 🌈😔😔♥️🌹🌹I miss you little Anthony 😔 I tried to take care of u like a mother should, but I was homeless so I couldn’t support you, when CPS took you away, it killed me, but I know your not my blood son, but you were like one. I know your in a better foster home, and I wish I was there to see u grow. I tried my best to raise you, and I worry about you day and night. I’m sorry little Man, idk how old you are now, just know i love u. And I pray for you and I worry, but God took care of you after u got taken away. I LOVE U 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹-Izzy X Magdalinoz♣️♣️♣️♣️🌹🌹🌹🌹I Take Care Of Everyone, Just Like I Took Care Of Lil Anthony, He Was My World, I Would Do Anything To Have Him Back Again, Us Making Mac And Cheese , Me Staying Up All Night With Him When He Was Sick, Me Cooking For Him, The Late Night Cuddles, The Pillow Fights, I Always Protected Him From Harm, I Took Care Of Him All The Time, Us Listening Bon Jovi, I Always Always 24/7 Made Sure He Was Ok, Me Checking His Breathing When He Was Asleep On My Lap, Took Care Of Him All Day Everyday, When He Cried I Sat There Till He Was Ok, I Miss The Cuddles And I Miss Everything, I’m Get Teary Eyed Now, But If I Wasn’t Homeless You Wouldn’t Have To Witness The Shit That Happened To Me, Just To Get Money For Us, So I Took The Pain So I Wouldn’t Lose You, I Lost You Once And I Stole You Back, Then After The Car Incedent I Lost You For Good. When CPS Knocked On Our Door And Said I Was Forbidden To Be Anywhere Near Him, Or Have Contact With Him, All Cuz Of The Shit I Went Through To Take Care Of You, I Love You Little Bon Bon, I Havnt Forgotten About You And I Hope You Remember Me. Father God Please Take Care Of Him, Watch Over Him, Send Him Signs That I’m With Him, I Pray For Him Everynight. Little Anthony, I Love U With All My Heart && Soul, And I Know Were Far Away From Eachother, But God Has Sent A Guardian Angel To Watch Over You. I Love U.-Izzy Magdalinoz 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈Lil Anthony, Lil Bon Bon, Angel Eyes, Anthony M. I’m Staying Alive With Him, Stay Sober For Him, Work My 12 Steps For Him, Stay Strong && Alive For Him, You Are In My Heart Honey, I Am Going To Live && Love For Him, Like He’s There With Me. Sending Positive Vibes, Prayers && Blessings Your Way, When I Go To NA && AA Meetings I Will Share Your Story With Everyone, I Wrote Your Name On Both My Arms, So When I Look At It , Ill Remember You. Love You Sweetie 🌈🌈🌈🌈Your promises mean nothin to me I don’t date because of all that you did to me Fuck You Kimberly !! I will find you Anthony , ur not blood but your family . I miss u! Happy almost 14th birthday!!! I Will Find You , I’m Not Giving Up , hope u didn’t forget about me. I’m making a song about you . Kimberly , I hope your happy...A big fuck you to my deceased ex girlfriend, Kimberly Marie Olivarez 1. For Calling CPS on me and getting my son Anthony taken away 2. For torturing me 3. For ruining my life 4. For committing suicide in front of me 5. But you changed my life alright I haven't seen Or heard from Anthony in years. And I miss him. I took care of him as my own I miss him Look, I was prostituting, getting tortured raped abused drugged up and went out on the streets (I was homeless at the time) All for money to take care of Anthony and Kimberly. For food housing clothes and to keep us from being in a shelter. Kim, you made false accusations for giving him drugs, which I clearly didn't. You never helped me with shit and I had to do it all on my own I miss U Lil Angeleyezx I will always love you. The love for u is like the love I have for my mom And that's A LOT OF LOVE Oh Kimberly. Thank u for fucking up my life *drops mic* “WEAP” by me, "I’m searching on the low, let’s see how my life goes, I try not to let my pain show, don’t come here to stop it, cuz my delusions are clocking in, stuck on the cold city streets, while the town secretly sleeps, I just wanna be loved, wanna be loved, but only by the man up above, stars and scars anylyze my angelic parts, my demons never go to bed, listen to what I said, a little unsteady, but you got to get ready, to fight life’s battles , it’s not easy I know, walking the streets with my own two feet, I’m damaged but I still gotta manage, 50 dudes come one by one to rape me, they try to kill me, they try to drug me, yes sir I was a criminal, keep my talking to a minimum, who do I love, oh who do I trust, every night poppin pills, smoking, slamming needles, getting drunk, snorting cocaine , all just to numb my pain, sitting in my motel room, CPS knocks on the door, she took little Anthony away from me, oh shit man , was I to mean? MooMoo walks in and tries to kill me, daddy why did you abuse me? I refuse to see, why you secretly tortured me, and said if I tell anyone, he would kill or sell me. I fuckin can’t see, I’m blind and queasy, Where is my love, Where is the love for all the people suffering? For. The homeless and the boneless, for the victims of rape and some of it was caught on tape. For the drug addicts and alcoholics with no care at all, for the abuse, and the ones who can’t take it so they tie the noose , for the mentally ill, they are actually pretty skilled, for the ones who don’t have a home , in foster care, parents unknown, for the ones who are suicidal and self harm, cuz no one ever loved them, I grew up on my own, I’m a stranger to myself and others, cuz I’m one of the unknown, where’s the peace?Secrets no one keeps, the people who lie down 24/7 and just weap, people think we’re weak, we’ll here you go take apeak, through all you’ve been through, your still standing, with people demanding “just get over it”, we are the strongest people, walking down an empty road, even with people around you , you still feel alone, the demons never sleep, all our dark secrets that we keep, it’sok my dear, it’s all coming clear, lookat menow”-byMe Old picture!!!!! I got kicked off the property. Homeless #12 on my son's birthday month plus I have enough shit going on. I mize well live on this bench. Fuck it I'm trying . God please what lesson are u trying to teach me. I'm not tryna disrespect u Lord . But I'm done why do I even try. Anthony and Kimberly and Israel I miss u. Your gone forever. But ignore me and focus on my point here. I'm sleeping on a bench on AnThonys birthday. AlMOST.....I missed mostly every single holiday and birthday. I got cappuccino chocolate chip cookies and ice water in a jug . But anyways I Need a ride if ur close to corona hit me up, I'm desperate I'm not going to be homeless on my sons birthday . Please someone call me. Please please please please please please. Thank u 🥀☆☆☆☆☆☆"Honey, iii Didn't Take My Medicine So I'm Quite A Bit Physcotic Kimberly, Will U Hold My Hand As We Walk Down The Streets There All After Me, iii Went Totally Crazy iii Got Busted && Arrested, We Got In The Car To Run From The Cops Rick Was In The Front, No-one Knew He Was Drunk The Car Crashed On The Side Of The LA Streets When They Investigated Rick Said iii Gave My Son Drugs Next Day We Were In Our Hotel Room There Was A Knock On Our Door, They Put A Restraining Order On Me && Took My Son Away Kimberly Didn't Take Her Meds That Night So She Tried To Kill Me, And I Fought Back She Hung Herself Infront Of Me , The Cops Weren't Quick Enough After All The Damage She Did To Me I Still Have A Sick Obsession Over Her, I'm Obsessed With My Son , I Havnt Seen Him For Years iii Love My Partners In Crime, I Miss My Crime Buddy Kimberly, iii Miss My Lil Angel Anthony. Blood Doesn't Make Family; && iii Am Such A Fool For You, Mama Loves You, You Were All I Had At The Time, It Feels So Unreal , That You Guys Are Gone, iii Will Do Anything To Find My Son, If It Means Going Back To The Streets, Doin Crimes, iii Will Find You Like iii Said Imma Fool For You"~IzzyMagdalinozMartinez☆☆☆☆☆☆ . 💔💔"Linger"~TheCranberries "If you, if you could return Don't let it burn Don't let it fade I'm sure I'm not being rude But it's just your attitude It's tearing me apart It's ruining every day For me I swore I would be true And fellow, so did you So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand? Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you? But I'm in so deep You know I'm such a fool for you You've got me wrapped around your finger Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, do have to let it linger? Oh, I thought the world of you I thought nothing could go wrong But I was wrong, I was wrong If you, if you could get by Trying not to lie Things wouldn't be so confused And I wouldn't feel so used But you always really knew I just want to be with you And I'm in so deep You know I'm such a fool for you You've got me wrapped around your finger Do have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, do have to let it linger?"💔💔💔"The Way She Runs Out Of Her House Walking The Streets With My Own 2 Feet Living In A World Where Trauma Never Ends, Time Is Running Out, Your Hiding Your Feelings Your Broken Inside && You Got Nowhere To Hide Age Twelve Tried To Commit Suicide Your Not Alone Girl Your Not Alone Admitted To The Physciatric Ward Hand Cuffed By The Police The Third Time This Week Trying To Commit You To The State Hospital Mama . I Need You I Love You Right Now Drag The Blade Across My Wrists Binge Drinking And Popping Pills To Numb The Pain Ran Home Told Mama Daddy Did It Again He Abused Me In His Car On Our Trip Blood Coming Down, Smile, Its A Party Now . I Got Tied Up In A Warehouse He Raped Me And Knocked Me Out Honey, You Gotta Tell Someone Led Me To The Streets For The 13th Time Walks Around Like Nothings Wrong Hides Behind That Innocent Smile Mama I'm Sorry Mama I'm Sorry Did You Want A Daughter Like Me Did You Want A Fuck Up Like Me Honey Did You Take Your Medication? Anthony Got Taken Away , That's My Son That's My Love As Kimberly Ties The Noose, She Dissapears Into The Sky Mama I'm Lonely, Don't Be Afraid To Ask For Help Didn't Give A Fuck About My Health Eyes Bloody Red, But I Swear I'm Fine Bodies Weak, But I Swear I'm Fine Trying Not To Cry, I Don't See A Reason Why She Strums That Guitar Like Its Her Friend Can You Fix Me, Can You Seduce Me Oh Honey Your Not Alone, Honey Your Not Alone Were Here To Help Tell Us Where Your Girlfriend Is Mama There's Cops Outside Are They Here To Take Me Away I Was Involved In A Homoscide Case She Went To Treatment So She Could Get Better She Went To Rehab So She Could Get Sober I Am Strong I Am Alive, Alice Is Twisting My Mind Again oh Oh Honey Your Not Alone Oh Honey Your Not Alone Were Running Out Of Time, Monsters Are Twisting With My Mind, They Live In A Cellur , I Live In A Cage All Wrapped Up In My Mind, I've Lost My Mind My Dreams Become Reality, My Reality Became A Dream. Sweet Little Girl Sleeping On The Streets But I Still Reply "I'm Fine" I Still Insist "I'm Fine" I Pray To God, He Comes Inside Me He Saves Me, Mama Hugs Me In The Moonlight ,You'll Be Fine."-WrittenByMeIzzyMagdalinozMartinez💔 ]] *The Meaning Behind "Lil'Toni": some nicknames i gave him were "AngelEyezx" "Lil Bon Bon" "Lil'Toni" "Antonio" "Mooshi Mooshi" "Pain In The Ass" "Birdie'" "Soldier" "Lil One" "BroSkiiSkii" "MnM" "Child" "Lovebug" "Curious George" "Momo" "Anto" "A-Skii" "Ace" "Annnnnthony" "Smart One" "Sweet Child O' Mine" "Mamas Boy " "My Son" "Jay Jay" "Trouble Maker Jr" "Izzys Angel" "Lil Angel" "My Love" "My Sweetheart" "Mister" "Beautiful" "Lassie" "Strong One" "Smartass", *AngelEyezx: this nickname was made up by both of us, he had green eyes and i had a similar color and we would always compliment each other on our eye color, we were like twins, he said i was his angel, and i said he was mine, so we came up with this nick name. *Lil Bon Bon: Anthony was short, well no shit. He was nine, and he loved cinamon rolls, he would always ask me to buy them, it was his favorite food. Even when i didnt have enough money to buy them, he knew what went on in that motel, he called it a motel, but it waz really a run down low star hotel, Anthony wasnt naive about what happened to me nearly everyday. But i called him that cuz he loved cinamon rolls. *Lil' Toni: waz one of the 1st nicknames i gave him, because i still consider him my little boy, even if he waz only 9 at the time. *Antonio: He would have pillow fights with me, while listening to music. He came up with the name Antonio when we would roleplay in the pillow fights. my eyes. *Lil' One: i would always call him that cuz he was my Lil One. *BroSkiiSkii: i forgot how this one came about. *MnM: he loved MnMs so i called him MnM *Child: i call everyone child, but it started with Anthony. *Lovebug: i just called him this, cuz i thought it was cute. *Curious George: he was always curious about alot of things. And was always curious about the next day and/or what would happen next. *MoMo: MoMo was also a nickname that i just came up with. *Anto: a nickname he came up with, he never told me what it meant tho. *A-Skii: A, short for Anthony, well thats obvious, but i mixed it with BroSkii, to A-Skii. *Ace: i always think that the Ace and The Joker are the most important cards in the deck, so i called him Ace, cuz he was the most important thing to me. *Annnnnthony: i loved to joke around with him and make funny voices and stories and i always extended his name, when i was in a joking mood. *Smart One: i used sarcasm a lot, and when he would smart off to me or Kimberly, i would always say "hold on smart one" i would laugh, he mostly smarted off to Kimberly and she wouldn't like it, i was overprotective over him and would literally do anything for him, so i would get hurt instead but him, Anthony never liked Kimberly, i think nobody did either. And it was obvious why. *Sweet Child O Mine: he loved Guns N' Roses, and whenever we would sing that we would dedicate it to eachother. *Mamas Boy: Anthony was a Mamas Boy, so that name was obvious. *My Son: hes my son, but he would never leave my side, instead of me saying "thats my boy" i would say "thats my son" i was proud of him all of time, and i was proud to be his mom, not by blood, but by heart. *Jay Jay: tbh i forgot how i came up with that one. *Trouble Maker Jr: i was the original trouble maker, he would try to take after me. But i wouldn't. *Izzys Angel: like Charlies Angels, i named him Izzys Angel, cuz hes my angel, duh. Lol. *Lil Angel: hes my angel. Period. *My Love: hes my love to infinity and beyond. *My Sweetheart: hes my sweetheart, and always will be. *Mister: "what are u doing mister" i always said that. *Beautiful: he has a beautiful soul and heart. *Lassie: he loved dogs, and anything that had to with dogs. *Strong One: hes extremely strong. In every which way possible. *Smartass: he would be smart to Kimberly or me, and i would say "ok Smartass". But Lil Toni was my favourite one to call him. __Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez "Tyler" (Me) Hi I’m Izzy Magdalinoz 🙂 and I’m here for everyone, I like to help people, I’m sharing this I really don’t care, I wanna help the broken and the hurt, cuz I was in there shoes, here’s my story, part of it actually, a short summed up version, stay strong and keep fighting the battles not over yet.... I’ve been thru traumatic events all my life since I was 4 years old, from abuse, rape, the streets, foster care, shelters, 199 mental hospitals, self harm, I’m a great full recovering addict and alcoholic, my dad died, my mom is my life, homeless 9 times, never had a home , spent life locked away in treatment centers, group homes, crisis centers, foster homes, I’ve been drugged up, almost killed, arrested, I have anger issues, skitzoaffective disorder, bipolar, adhd, ocd , autism, anxiety, depression, insomnia, dissociative identity disorder, I’ve been on mostly all physiactric medications, I’ve had suicide attempts , I’ve been thru a lot , I’ve done a lot , but I’ve rose a kid named Anthony when I was 12, while my drug dealers drugged me up and raped me, my roommate Kimberly is dead , I was in bad situations when I was on the streets, I don’t even know who I am, but this is my story, I don’t care I’m posting it on here, I know it’s personal. But I needed to share this, whoever is reading, u are not alone !!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!!Time to get personal, I don’t trust a lot of people, but it’s time to open up, , here’s my WHOLE life story. “Yo, it’s me again, Izzy Magdalinoz, I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, I use to forget about my pain, I went to rehabs, I’m 19 years old, my dad died In 2011, but he abused me since I was 4, but I couldn’t tell my mom or he would sell me or kill me, so I had mixed feelings, I was homeless 9 times, out on the streets, getting arrested, in fights, almost been killed, I rose a 9 year old kid named Anthony, he was I an abusive foster home, so me and my motel roommate took him in, I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away, and I never seen him since, after that Kimberly tried to kill me in my sleep with Ambien , a meth needle and vodka , I woke up in an ER, and she killed herself, I was raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up , people on the streets, and by someone I don’t wanna talk about, I was in Foster Care a couple times, Angela and Jimmy, a foster home called GPS with staff instead of parents, and with Lisa, I’ve been in 201 mental hospitals, lock down treatment centers, one in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, multiple treatment and crisis centers, group homes, rehabs, shelters, the streets, been in car accidents, I’ve been arrested and detained by a lot of cops in Corona, I have anger issues, been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade, I’ve attempted suicide over 50 timesX I’ve self harmed on multiple occasions, I have bipolar , depression, anxietyX l, insomnia, skitzoaffective, ptsd, ocd , dissociative identity disorder, attachment disorder, and AutismX , I’ve helped the homeless and people In hospitals, been on mostly all psychiatric medication, I’ve never had a stable home since 2011, now on December of 2017 I’m finally home, I love to help others cus im used to people not caring about me, I have trust issues, im always there to help to care to make sure there ok and I don’t stop, make them feel better, I hide behind a smile, stay strong, the battle isn’t over yet, aye it’s Izzy Magdalinoz, your NOT aloneX this is my story”-IzzyMagdalinoz Hey xx my name is Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez, and I am a drug addicted alcoholic with 1 year clean! I’m 21. I know rock bottom, hell, trauma , pain, and darkness from top to bottom x I’ve been homeless 13 times, 215 mental hospitals , I’ve done mostly every drug, I have a sponsor now!! I’m on step 2 and going to NA meetings every Sunday! I literally read the whole NA basic text book xx I have the NA Big Book as well as everything. I have been thru brutal hell/trauma/torture occurring 24/7 since I was 4, till July 2018. Can we please , have a moment of silence For the addict who still suffers In and out of these rooms Y’all are enough man, my drug dealer moved back into town, and he’s tortured me, I have had over 10 different drug dealers, my drug of choice is meth and herion. I lost my unbiological son , who I met in one Out Of the three foster homes I was in, my deceased ex girlfriend tortured me and made false accusations against me that I gave Anthony drugs, and I had to sell myself , prostitute, get tortured , drugged, abused, raped , almost killed etc etc so I can provide a home for Anthony , I was raising him as my own, I was homeless at the time, again. I failed rehab twice, at Cedar House . And I’ve been to 3 other rehabs. I’ve got a criminal record which has been cleaned after I became an adult . This Is For The Addict Or Alcholic That Might Die Tonight The One Who’s Killing Themselves Or Getting Tortured For Drugs 3 out of the many of my drug dealers. Have tortured me brutally I don’t use to “look cool” I use to numb my pain I first thought it would take my pain away I now have severe brain damage Plus over 10 mental illnesses It was MY CHOICE I remember lying on the side of the street , I lost my mom , I lost my self I lost my life, and I wanted to die I’ve been thru mostly every traumatic thing, experienced mostly it all, and done mostly it all No pity no sympathy no attention ... I have lived and seen death, hell, and I’ve been down this road I’ve been around the block Not saying any of you havnt Cuz I don’t know u #YouKnowMyNameNotMyStory #DontJudge I’m here for all of y’all Y’all are enough and y’all are worth it I’m greatful all of u are alive today And if any of y’all need me, cuz I’m here Feel free to contact me I believe in all of u xx Keep holding on I know it’s hard But I’ll be your hope God; Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The Things I Cannot Change The Courage To Change The Things I Can And The Wisdom To Know The Difference AMEN! Keep Coming Back It Works If U Work It One Day At A Time! Hun i know hell and darkness I know rock bottom and back I know pain and trauma from top to bottom. Im 1 year clean and sober off all drugs and alcohol Fight the fight. Dont let the fight win u. Ive had brutal hell && trauma 24/7 from 4 years old (im 21) till july 2018 I was sleeping under bridges, sidewalks, sides of the street i have been homeless 13 sperate times My problem? I help everyone and everything obsessivly. I got the cops called on me AGAIN today. But your enough Keep fucking shining. Dont let anyone dim your shine. Im here for all yall. -Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Dont Judge, Unless You've Walked In There Shoes You Know My Name. Not My Story Its izzy. ;) Thank u for existing. Your doing the besr u can. Stay strong. Im here for u and here to help and be there in anyway shape or form i possibly can. No matter the circumstances. Thank u for everything x IM 1 YEAR SOBER FROM DRUGS AND ALCHOL xIt's been a wild ride my loves. Hey it's izzy. Imma be here for u no matter how much it takes. Cuz your a precious diamond. Just don't give up. Sorry I haven't been replying. It's just I've been going thru shit. Take care of yourself x we will fight we will stand, we will get thru this. Featuring my shitty social skills. Just don't give up alright 💛💛 🥀🖤A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still Suffers, In And Out Of These Rokms🖤🥀 Cuz basically all 10 + metal illnesses I have plus my past plus my current situation plus all my symptoms of all my diagnosis are multiplied by 10. I've been thru brutal trauma/pain/hell/torture/bad experiences since I was 4 (I'm 21) until July 2018. Occurring 24/7 I've been tortured abused raped almost killed. In 215 mental hospitals. No home from 2011-2018. Homeless 13 times,almost killed, drugged up lost many to death, my dad tortured me, 3 foster homes, many unlocked/locked treatment centers, group homes, shelters, rehabs, residential, been thru MOSTLY every traumatic thing, I have severe brain damage, anorexia, mom is very sick. I help to much. I can't explain what I'm going thru or what's going on. I'm the most high maintaince case in the system. I've attempted suicide over 100 times. Been on all meds /beej thru all sorts of treatment. I have anger self harm. I'm a hardcore addict. No stable home. Ive been tortured/abused/raped/drugged/almost killed most of my life. I'm tell u a little of my life story You all are enough you all are worth it you al matter, your life is not worthless. Hun I know what it's like to hit rock bottom and back several times. I'm here forcing if u need a friend I'll be there for u care for u help support show you your worth. I've been abused raped tortured homeless 13 times 215 mental hospitals bouncing from unlock and locked treatment centers. I've been in residential. My dad tortured me. I've had trauma 24/7 since I was 4 till july 2018 I got my son taken away. I've attempted suicide over 100 times im a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. No home from 2011-2018 I've been abused in all ways several times. I have skitzoaffective bipolar Anorexia ocd ADHD depression anxiety PTSD insomnia autism borderline personality, dissociative identity fued. I've been in rehab. I'm not trying to get attention I'm trying to show that y'all aren't alone. Stay alive OK. You are important to me. I know I just met u. But I'm grateful for your life., LET GO AND LET GOD! Your feelings and life are valid If not today there's always tomorrow. Thank u for existing Stay You, And Believe In Yourself Don't Give Up Now, Yuve Come This Far This is Izzy, and I am a grateful recovering addict. 🖤__Izzy M🥀💚_____________________ Info: {Brotatochipz Brotienshake} YouTube: TwistedMetal411 Facebook: Angelique Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Instagram: Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Snapchat: iSleepiex19 Twitter: Sw33tInzanityx Tumblr: Trippz2iLL2Ace8ItOut Wattpad: Ms_SweetInsanityyx Email #1: daveycoverdale@gmail.com Email #2: crowdgoeswild86@hotmail.com 🥀ιzzу21.i❤️&MissMySonAnthonyMartinez.RIP2KimberlyOlivarez,RIP2JeremyBaraz&IshmaelBaraz.RIPGrandpaHarold.RIPKeraAndrews. RIPJuanTorrez, RIPMamaLisa (One 0f My Foster Parents) RIPDad (Tortured/Abused Me In All Ways),RIPGrandmaSarah (My Mom's Mom) Biromantic-Asexual.Sтαуѕтяσηg.вαттℓєѕcαяz.GOD.TraumaSinceAge4TillJuly2018.Occuring24/7.BяσкєηNDamaged.RIP2Me.Surviver.Vocals&Creator@Br0k3nR0z3z.R3c0v3ry.i❤️M0M.i❤️PeteWentz&Tyler Joseph.Queen0fJupit3r.W3ird.Singer.Actor.Writ3r.2Caring.Ace8ItOut.🥀 UrNotAlone. I make movies,Music,freestyles,vlogs,shows,shortseries/films,I'm here4everyone. my solo musician project."Br0k3n R0z3z".All content on this channel owned by me. MyWattpad Ms_SweetInsanityyx (IWroteABook) Lyf Beat [Search4 "Surviving My Mind_Tripp2iLL"] [My Twenty One Pilots Clique Amino Profile: http://aminoapps.com/p/v2eot0 My Username: 🖤Izzy_Is_An_Angel_Too🖤] 💛💛🖤🖤🥀Hi I'm Izzy, Yes I AM A FEMALE THAT IS 10 MONTHS SOBER AND IS A BIROMANTIC ASEXUAL AND I DO NOT DATE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Stay Alive. && Be You, Cuz Your A Somebody. x I'm Here To Change The World, The Universe, && I'm Here To Make A Difference, I wanna save, help, fix, care, be there, support everyone and everything. One Day At A Time, You Matter Your Important, You Have A Purpose, Your Enough, Your Worth It, Your Someone, Don't Let Anyone Dim Your Shine, Remember What Yo Fighting For, Thank You For Existing. I Know Rock Bottom, Hell & Back, Trauma, Pain && Darkness From Top To Bottom, Stay Alive. I Love Helping Others, I Don't Know Who The Hell I Am. But I Am Here. Spread Good Around, Not Evil. Take Care Of Yourselves.🥀🖤🖤💛💛 L0ADiiNG; ██████████████]99% System Malfunction; Errors: Brain Possession, Sanity Loss, Mind Damage, Overthinking, Too High Maintenance, Loss Of One's Mind, and Killing Of OnesSelf Slowly. ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*• ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ ࿇ ══━━━━✥◈✥━━━━══ ࿇ ࿇ ══━━━━✥◈✥━━━━══ ࿇ ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*• ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ WARNING: A. My Channel Is A Huge Trigger Warning!!! B. I help everyone and everything obsessively (I am there no matter what, I'm here to be there and help in any way, shape, or form possible. So if you need someone, you can contact me on my socials.) C. I am head over heels OBSESSED with Tyler Joseph && Josh Dun (from the band "twenty one pilots") and they are one of the few reasons I am still alive. Thank You And D. This is very personal content that I post, none of it is for pity, clout, attention, sympathy or clickbait. This is all real. I just wanna make others feel better there not alone. My 1st Email: crowdgoeswild86@hotmail.com My 2nd Email: daveycoverdale@gmail.com 🖤💛🥀Okay, let me tell y'all a lil bit about this channel, if you go to the home page of my channel. You see the featured video is 5 hours long (you DO NOT HAVE TO WATCH THE ENTIRE VIDEO) and it's 25% of my life story, it is a HUGE TRIGGER WARNING! if your sensitive to topics such as suicide, any form of abuse or torture, trauma, mental health, drug and alcohol addiction, rape, self harm, eating disorders, death etc etc.... or if you already have gone or are going thru these things yourself or someone else has I DO NOT suggest watching it.. 🥀💙My Original Films; My Vlogs; And Other Random Stuff💙🥀 *Then We Have The Playlists "Angelique x Izzy's World" Is Basically My Life Story Vlog: Followed By My Previous Placements, My Mental Breakdowns, && Other Shit "ATEMYSANITY AKA I'm Fine, No Light, No Lie": My Original Film Series, VERY TRIGGERING, I Play All Of The Characters, Basically The Story Of A Troubled Women Named Shawna Vandiego, and Her Vlogging Her Shitty Life. "Chandy Gone Crazy; 5 AM": An Original Film Series Of A Damaged & Traumatized Girl Named Chandlier Stan Madina or Chandy for short "Insesting The Illusion": An Original Film Series About A Mentally Ill Girl Named Stevie Xencell "In The Name Of Love" An Old Series I Made About Too Kids April and Tommy "Death House": An Old Series I Made Before I Went Away To Treatment To A Level 14 Residential Treatment Center In Utah "Hell Pitch": A Series Of Some Of My Own Poems & Stories "Izzy Magdalinoz's Vlog:" Title Speaks For Itself "Man At Work": An Old Series I Made Back In 2011/2012 About Divorce and Failed Relationships "NewOrder1868 (My 2nd Youtube Channel)": Self Explanatory "My Tyler Joseph Tributes": My Tributes for the lead singer of 21Pilots, Tyler Joseph. Videos Range from 30-40 Minutes to 1 to 2 hours. "Izzy Magdalinoz, Random Stuff": Old Inappropriate Videos I Made Awhile Back 🖤🎶My Music🎶🖤 My Solo Musician Project; Br0k3n R0z3z; I freestyle sing and freestyle rap, write, and make original songs, play a little piano and make beats "Album #1: Trippz2iLL2Ace8ItOut": Focuses On My Traumatic Past && How I've Been Dealing With It "Album #2: RedSunNumberNone": Overcoming My Demons "Album #3: Hello Mr Sky, Do I Know You": Me Questioning My Life && My Reason In This Life "Album #4: Breathe, Please": A Dark Album About My Mental Health && My Past "Album #5: Tributes 4 My Broskiis": Songs Dedicated To My Loved Ones "Album #6: Nowhere2BeSeen; Struggling Yet Surviving": My Recovery🥀💛🖤 ━━━━▣━━◤◢━━▣━━━━━ ━���━━▣━━◤◢━━▣━━━━━ ━━━━▣━━◤◢━━▣━━━━━ Yᵒᵘ Oᶰˡʸ Lᶤᵛᵉ Oᶰᶜᵉ τнänκ чöü♥ ๖ۣۜǤнσsτ༻ 《ℛιzε》 ℛɨᎮ昇 I'm Already Dead, So Leave Me Be, My Love .•♫•♬•♬•♫•..•♫•♬•♬•♫•. .•♫•♬•♬•♫•..•♫•♬•♬•♫•. "Up All Night, Got No Shuteye Sick Of Life, Bloodshot Skies Don't Tell Me Good morning, Don't Tell Me Good night"-Copyrighted By Me, I Own This Song. Just Get Some Sleep, Okay? Angelique. Is. Not. My. Name call me Izzy, that's what I go by. Ps: Mental Illnesses Are Not A Trend; STOP MAKING THEM TRENDY PEOPLE. It's real fucking shit. Trust NoOne. Haha. I'm the weirdest girl y'all will ever meet. Don't Judge Anyone/Anything Unless You Have Already Walked In There Shoes. You Know My Name, Not My Story. I love my mom to death. She also keeps me alive. She's my world. It's Midnight here. So just stay safe. Goodnight xx ░▒▓█▓▒░░▒▓█▓▒░ ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ ░▒▓█▓▒░░▒▓█▓▒░ ❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢ ❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢ .Got love4the streets and all of you. Stay Up Fam x “If Y0u Talk En0ugh S3nc3 Than Youll Lose Y0ur M!nd” #SilenceIzB3tt3rThanBullsh!t🥀 Hi idk what the fuck I'm doing? xx Goodnight my amazing lovelies xx Every Rose Has Its Thorn xx You Grow Stronger Everyday xx Izzy, shut the hell up, your being negative again xx 🖤🥀Fake Smiles All Around🥀🖤 🖤🥀It's A Very Very, Mad World🥀🖤 💛🥀Goodbye Reality, Welcome To Dreamland🥀💛 💛🥀Would Y'all Shut Up, Your Disrupting My Train Of Thought🥀💛 🦋🖤Go To Sleep Izzy, Try Again In The Morning🖤🦋 God Is Good, Amen! Pray For Me, My Love I Miss You Anthony, My AngelEyez I Miss You Izzy, Your Not You Anymore R.I.P xx _ xx Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez xx_xx She's Not Dead Physically. __Let's Have A Minute In Silence, For The Addict That's Still Suffering__ 🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀 ❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢ ❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢ Current Status: Single, And Never Again Ready To Mingle (except for Pickle Rickkkk) Still Current Status: Never Dating Again In My Lifetime Health Status: Weird, and Insane Age: 21 Gender: Girl Name: Izzy Occupation: Youtuber/Solo Musician Sexuality: Biromantic-Asexual Working On: 1. My Over 10 Mental Illnesses 2. Recovering From Drug and Alcohol Addiction 3. Helping My Mom 4. Focusing On Myself, Cuz I Help Everyone & Everything Obsessively 5. Not Cutting Myself 6. Staying Sane 7. My Anorexia 8. Being A Better Sister/Daughter 9. Finding My Unbiological Son, Anthony 10. Control My Mental Brwakdowns Favorite Band: twenty one pilots Sister: Yes Mothee: Yes Brother: No Me: Izzy Youtuber At: TwistedMetal411 Solo Musician At: Br0k3n R0z3z School: Centennial High School, Corona (Never Finished) Hometown: Jupiter Current City: Corona Days Without Drugs/Alcohol: September 18th, 2018 Days Out Of The Mental Hospital: Febuary 2019 Days Without Having Unsafe Behavor: Over A Week How Long Until I Date Again: NeverNeverNever Ever Been Cheated On: Countless Times Ever Been Abused: Countless Times. Ever Been Raped: Countless Times Ever Been Homeless: 13 Times Ever Been In A Mental Hospital: 215 Times Ever Been In Foster Care: 3 Foster Homes, 2 out of the 3 were abusive Ever Been In Long Term/Short Term Treatment: Countless Times, To Many Times To Count Ever Been To Jail: Almost Ever Been Arrested: Yes Ever Been In A Fight: Countless Times Current Diagnosis: Bipolar Disorder Schizo-affective Disorder Anxiety Disorder Major Depressive Disorder OCD ODD ADHD PTSD Insomnia Autism Anorexia Nervosa Borderline Personality Disorder Attachment Disorder Dissociative Identity Fued Multiple Personality Disorder High Maintenance Critically/Clinically Insane Severe Brain Damage Medication: Ive been on all physciatric medication Trauma Occurred 24/7 From: 2001-2018 Without A Stable Home: 2011-2018 Got Expelled: Yes Got Suspended: Yes Ever Been To Lockdown Residential: Yes Anger Issues: Absolutely Obsessions: Helping Everyone and Everything && Tyler Joseph Group Homes: Yes Shelters: Yes Therapy: countless times Suicide attempts: over 100 times Dogs: 2 Dogs, Ones a therapy dog Insecure: oh yes Who i love the most: my mom Worst relationship is a person: Kimberly Marie Olivarez Current Mood: Idk Breakdowns Per Day: 5 to 6 sometimes 20 to 22 Am I Ok: I Dont Know Anymore Help Myself or Help Everyone and Everything Else: Help Everyone and Everything Else Music: Oldies, Indie, Lo-Fi, Alternative, Rock, Metal, Grunge, R and B Pop, Country, basically everything. (I also like 60s, 70s, 80s. 90s, music) Favorite YouTuber: MikeMGTV Ever Been In A Near Death Situation: countless times Ever Blacked Out: oh yes Trust Issues: Major Social: Yes Black Sheep/Troubled One/Outkast: Oh Yes Been Bullied: Oh Yes Beeb A Bully: Yes, Sadly Friends: a lot Loyal: yes Engaged: yes, but not anymore Losses To Death: Many People Favorite Color: Purple, Red, Neon Green, Blue and Black Favorite Food: i hate food. No joke Racist: Nope Judgemental: Nope Weird: Hell Yes Insane: Hell Yes In Love: with my dog Like To Do: Make music, make movies, draw, write, sing, rap, freestyle, roleplay, play piano Goodie Two Shoes: Nopeeee 😂😂😂 Trouble Maker/Rebel: Haha, yes Mentally Strong: Yes, sometimes Public Places: nope Cussing: to much Fear: myself. Pretty: nope, but many people think im pretty Ugly: yes, in my opinion Good Personality: Yesss Good Heart: yesssss Sensitive: Only To My Family Popular: nope Do I Like Myself: Hell no Do I Love Myself: still no Excercise?: i do obsessivly Alien: yess Helpful: Obsessivly Full Name: Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Ready: Ready.. Compliments: i dont know how to take compliments *The Meaning Behind "Tyler": Tyler X or "Ace X" or "XX" Fiaskko-Alvaro, is one of my main alters. I have many alters and i live among many alternate universes. Mainly NXSP, or Not Xactly Secure Program, is where my mind is mainly centered, when i was 9 years old, i sae a man, or a shadow, with a knife, on my bed, when i was living in Fernbank, and he told me to look him in the eyes, and i did, and thats when he became my master, and he tortured me, i shoulda never looked him in the eyes, or i probably wouldn't have had the many mental illnesses u have now. But i "raised hell" as Liz Ramos, who i claimed was my name, especially when i went to ETS mental hospital when i was 12, i told them my name wasn't Sara (Sara is my legal name) that it was Liz. And i go by Izzy now, i took the last name Martinez, from Anthony. Even if its not my real last name. Tyler was my second alter, also being mind abused by Johnny "JJ" Garcia. ____________________________ **About Angela/Andrea and Jimmy; [Angela/Andrea Miller]; Angela/Andrea Miller was born in prison, and almost aborted. Her parents were a religious couple, and her brother, Delacruz, would torture her behind their parents back, one day Angela hit her head against a brick wall, she woke up with no memory of anything, and couldnt remember her name, at all, she got diagnosed with "Multiple Personality Disorder" and became abusive and extremely torturous, she met Jimmy at a frat party, and they started doing drugs together, but Jimmy had no idea about her torturous side. She "switched" a lot, kinda the same situation as Dr J. And Mr Hide, but her good personality faded and Angela and Andrea became one personality. The extremely torturous personality. [Jimmy Miller]; Jimmy was always abusive, but never as abusive and his wife, Angela/Andrea Miller. Jimmys biological kids got put into foster care after being taken away by CPS, Jimmy grew up in an abusive single parent household, he was a wife beater and abused his kids. His dad was never around and his mom was addicted to crack cocaine and alcohol. Jimmy was a bully at school when he was in high school. Jimmy met Angela/Andrea Miller at a frat party. And they clicked as soon as they met, but still he had no idea about the "real side" of her, Jimmy offered to run a group home, which later lead to the foster home, but they never had a license to be foster parents, they took in Enji first, and thats how everything started. How i know this? I observed a lot. **About Anthony; Anthony is a 14 year old male. Who is my unbiological son, i bent over backwards for him, He got taken away after Kimberly Marie Olivarez, who is my deceased ex fiance, and Jeremy Carlos Baraz, who is my deceased ex friend. Both of them made a false accusation that i gave him drugs, which is false. And CPS took him away, he was 9 at the time, now hes 14. Hes turning 15 soon, and i miss him everyday. I raised him as my own. We never figured out who his real parents are. But he lived with his aunt and uncle Sarah and George Castillo, then with a foster family, With Cherri and Jose Martinez, then with Angela/Andrea and Jimmy Miller, where we were previously living, i left than came back for Anthony. I havnt seen him for years and idk where he is, i did my best to be a mother. And to take care of him, no Matter the circumstances. **My 4 Different Experiences W/ Anorexia; 1st Time: 2012; Weight: 77lb. I would starve myself till i passed out, i would obsess over calories, including refusing to drink water, i would excersise to the point of passing out, they rushed me to the ER, and i got fed through a feeding tube, i weighed down to 77lb and still thought i was fat, my bones were showing, i couldnt function, longest without food was 20 days, i drank ensure and made myself throw it up. I went into treatment for Anorexia Nervosa, my mom still isnt aware to this day. 2nd Time: 2015; Weight: 84lb. All i ate were saltine crackers, and i would starve myself up to 8 to 9 days, while in the process of doing that, i was in treatment, remember i didnt have a home from 2011 to 2018. So nobody was aware, i went down to skin and bone. I was homeless and bouncing from mental hospital, to treatment centers (unlocked/locked/involuntary/voluntary/short term/long term) the streets. And to rehabs, foster homes, group homes etc etc. I weighed myself everyday. People got concerned, and they admitted me to a mental hospital after i was on the side of the highway, and i kept blacking out, i was on a lot of drugs at that time. Meth mainly, and alcohol. I got taken to a mental hospital, and i couldn't leave till my tray was finished. And i had a 1:1 staff with me at all times to monitor my food intake, but i got past them, i didn't eat for a week, and they gave me the feeding tube again, and i had a huge hatred towards food. 3rd Time: 2017; Weight 98lb. I was in and out of placements and i starved myself for 6 days, then on the 7th i made it look like I ate. With my own methods. I was extremely insecure, and my mental illnesses got worse, people said i was skinny, but even at 98lb i still thought I was fat. I was sent to a treatment centre for eating disorders, and i still refused to eat, and i checked myself out. And then regretted it later. 4th Time: 2019; Weight: Under 130lb.?? Its been since late March or early April. And is still active at this time, i basically hate food. Its been months new, and my weight has been rapidly decreasing, i starve myself from 4 to 6 days, and on the 6th day i eat something small. Then i secretly throw it up, im not at an unhealthy weight, i exercise obsessivly and obsess over calories, i look in the mirror and i look fat, but everyone else saying that im Skinny, after the 5 to 6 days with no food, on day 7 i eat something small, then starve myself again, im blacking out more, and my mom wants me to go to treatment, i hate food with a burning passion, and im taking diet pills, but im over 1 year clean from all drugs and alcohol, im obsessed with losing weight and even after i lose to much. Its never low enough. 🔥🦋🥀This Is My 4th Time Struggling With Anorexia Nervosa. Ive been starving myself for so long now, that its become so easy to just skip days with no food. Food is my enemy & i hate food ' all food with a passion. Ive seeked treatment several times, ive gotten a feeding tube, and almost died several times. I count the calories and literally EVERYTHING. I excercise obsessivly. While i look in the mirror and see how fat i look, everyone else says i "look sick" and im "skinnier then i realize", #EatingDisorders *my over 10 + mental illnesses *starving myself *my 4th time with Anorexia *my experiences *weight loss pills *my dangerous experiences with eating disorders *being underweight *how much i hate food *you DONT HAVE TO BE SKINNY TO HAVE ANOREXIA *treatment *how much your worth *spoken word *a small short film *"im not hungry" *aftereffects *my old anorexia video *insecuritys *trauma/pain/rock bottom/hell/darkness *awareness *how you matter/important/have a purpose/someone/enough/worth it/perfect just the way you are *weight and calorie obsessions *bullying *my many past traumas *staying strong/im here for all yall Listen, I have an eating disorder called Anorexia, im starving myself. But I don't have an appetite. I can go many days without eating. Problem is I dont want to eat! OKAY!! Just because I'm not skinny doesn't mean I don't have an eating disorder I've struggled with this disorder multiple different times. And it's been many months with me not eating. I'm supposex to go to treatment for it I'M SO FUCKING TIRED FAKING BEING HAPPY I NUMB MY PAIN IT'S MY FAULT To ANYBODY WHO PUTS OTHERS DOWN FOR WHO THEY ARE FUCK OFF BRO. I'M NOT PLAYING CALL ME NEGATIVE! I'M SPEAKING MY MIND GROW THE FUCK UP!!!! I'M TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN, FOOD IS MY ENEMY #EatingDisorder #StopTheStigma #Anorexia #Buliemia #Treatment #HereWeGoAgain #YourAmazingJustTheWayYouAre Have a blessed day. 💚💚💚 🥀🥀I'm getting help for my eating disorder. I've been starving myself but whenever I do get the chance that eat I throw it up secretly. I'm admitting I have a problem and I'm willing to seek treatment. But if I go to another mental hospital or anything related or if I fuck up one more time I'm being admitted to the state psychiatric ward. Higher level of care. Look up "Institutional For The Mentally Diseased" or "Metropolitan State Hospital" im getting sicker and sicker and it's killing me mentally and physically (more than it already is currently) I will be okay. Stay strong everyone. Your all worth it!. (I can't function at all, but I already couldn't function but it's gotton worse)🥀🥀 ______________________________________ __________**NXSP/My Demons____________ **Johnny "JJ" Garcia√: my 1st demon, he possesses me. He was born inside me as my master while i raised hell alongside him. when i was 9, i looked him in the eyes, and ever since then he became my master, and he possesess me, he said "pull the red wire, and that will kill me", which was a huge lie. I killed Johnny while i waz filming a documentary inside NXSP, he hasnt came back yet, but that made Mr Alvaro intensify and become worse. Johnny or commonly known as JJ, is the son of Presley/Wesley Garcia, or commonly known as "KnockOut 890xo" who is Johnnys master. But he is dead, after Erin connected NXSP with The Ends. And after Erin started a fire. He passed away in 2012. Then Johnny took after his dad. And now hes dead. **Lileth "Lily" Ramos-Garcia√: She got tortured, and abused in all ways by Johnny Garcia, Lily abused me, cuz i looked Johnny in the eye at 9 years old, and then became my master, asa well as Lilys master. Johnny made Lily his "bitch", if she leaves Johnny, he would kill her, torture her more, and report her then send her to "The Ends". Johnny tortured her so bad. That Lily lost all her senses. She died multiple times. **Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos√: My first alter, in love with Johnny. He tricked Liz thinking he was there for her, and got her back. Sold, abused and tortured her, and made her in love with the darkness and pain, she got sent to The Ends, several times. **Charlotte "Alexx" McMann√: Whos Alex is her alter. Was an addict and alcoholic, tortured herself and others to get crack cocaine, her drug of choice. Charlotte is a transgender Female. From male to female., The McManns are the lowest hunans in NXSP. The outkasts. She claims that Dancing Fire aka Lily, made Erin fuck up NXSP and thats why "The Ends" exsist and is why Johnny turned out the way he did and how Mr Alvaro (Michael A. Alvaro) was born. People thought Michael was born by Johnny but the truth is Dancing Fire created him., Johnny was Charlottes dad, and Presley was her grandfather. After Izzy killed Johnny, Lily killed Charlottes mom. After Lily injected false dangerous codes in her. Charlotte loses her senses and her memory. She claimed she didnt know who anyone is including herself. **Chris "Marlin" McMann: A new demon who basically fucks around with my head. No other information, its in theu unknown **Wesley "Presley" Garcia (Johnnys Abusive Master)√: is Johnnys master and biological father. But is now deceased. **Constance "CeeCee" McMann√: is my protecter from harm or any demons that try to fuck with me. She calms me down and is always there for me, she never leaves my side. I havnt heard from her. Later finding out she passed away, she is Erins sister and Charlotte's mother. **Dancing Fire "aka Lilys Alter" (demon like archangel misunderstood in the form of fire, might be another world trying 2 contact me)√: Dancing Fire came about when i posted a picture on Facebook, with me holding a lit up lighter, titled "Up All Night With Dancing Fire" and ever sense then it haz been getting progressively worse. I shouldn't have summoned it, but to late now. **Michael Alvarado-Alvaro√: Michael A. Alvaro aka Mr. Alvaro. was created by Lily aka Dancing Fire, Mr Alvaro is the master of Tyler "Roo" Alvaro. Connecting the dots, one of my main alters is Tyler XX "Roo" Alvaro (the good Alvaro). Mr Alvaro possesses me, takes control of me. And is the main demon whilst i have physcotic episodes and mental breakdowns, which i used to have 5 to 6 a day. Now it went up to 20 to 22, now 20 to 25 a day. Mr Alvaro comes in many forms. And he decodes me and everything around me. Hes my main demon now. **Tyler "Roo" Fiaskko-Alvaro && Izzy "Ace 8/Spizey/Ms_SweetInsanityyx/DrearyEyezx/Ronnie Irez"Magdalinoz-Martinez (Me)√: Who's first love was Michael Alvarado-Alvaro, who abused and tortured, sold and raped Tyler in every which way possible, everyday allday. Runs NXSP. Alongside Izzy. Helps everyone and everything obsessivly. I am the main character in NXSP, which is one of the alternate universes i live and dissociate into. **Chandy/Gladdis/Leon/Charlene/Raul/Ralphie/George/Michaela aka Michael (all characters from my movie, "Chandy Gone Crazy; 5:00 AM Im Trashed, Im Done" etc.): i waz portraying these characters so much that they came out life. **Erin Ramos√: Erin Ramos, brother of Liz Ramos, brother to Constance "CeeCee" McMann. Erin got possessed by Lily aka Dancing Fire, which he acted out and collaborated NXSP with The Ends. Which fucked up NXSP for good. **DANCING Squares√: DANCING Squares, commonly known as Erik Ramos-Garcia, is a demon that morphs into objects is shapes, which leads them to "have a force on me" its a human taking place as different shapes, and adds codes to them to make them possess me, they take place in a big square, and they dance alongside ceilings, walls, and come as different shapes, but the outline is always a square, thats why i made up the phrase "Dont Talk To The Ceiling, It Might Talk Back". **Duplicates of People√: thiz one is self explanatory, ever since 2012, i see two people instead of one. But one of them in the false version. **Bad Mommy/Good Mommy√: after my dad died, which i dont consider my father, i had visions of my mom abusing me. But i knew reality from fantasy. Scars on her face., Bad Mommy abuses me, but i can tell the difference. Cuz "Bad Mommy" haz scars on her face. **Bad Daddy/Good Daddy√: after my dad died in 2011 (tbh he tortured me in all ways, so im glad hez dead, i dont consider him my father) anywho after he died i was in denial, i have 10 senses. So i see dead people. Hes in my dreams. **Visions&Hallucinations of Past/Future√: My whole past, flashes by in my head vividly. My future i can see clearly. **Cones√: they are just floating objects. But mainly Cones, which i consider a warning sign, guiding me in the right direction, but sometimes in the wrong direction. **Red Dots: red dots leading me places, usually calling TAXI #1 THRU #10. **Flyerway√: Flyerway and basically me floating above the earth during near death, out of body. And dissociated experiences, i now dissociate all day 24/7 (also in a dream) but it USED TO BE 80% TO 88% A DAY. **Veronica/Victoria Enxxellia√: Theres 2 parts to this, Veronica and Victoria is basically split personalitys with NO middle ground. Kinda like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide. But this demon is very dangerous, it takes over my body. In every/any which way possible. **Objects Having Force On Me√: i look at an object and i feel like its staring and taking me over, possessing me. And scares me. Tryna decode me. Controlling me. **Flying Objects√: kinda like objects (living and non living) fly and/or float in the air, (examples: a coffee table flying in the air, furniture floating in the air.) **Demons Posessing Me√: Self Explanatory, but basically demons possess me to the point where im worse is satan himself, or losing all control, and being "taken over/controlled". **SatanslashGod (can't tell the difference)√: satan and God both sound the same in my head, and i cant tell them apart. **Richard Enxxellia√: Richard "Richie" Enxxellia is a recent demon of mine, who decodes everything and everyone. But he gives me dangerous capabilities, which i act out dangerously, bizarrely and unsafely. **Three 7's√: have u ever been to a casino? If u have then youll understand, i feel like im famous, but now i realized that its called "Delusions Of Grandeur" which is part of my mental illnesses (i have over 10 mental illnesses), one of my doctors explained what that meant. I go out of reality a lot more than a person ever should. **Seventy Three 6's√: =7 x 3 x 6, so basically me feeling like im dying, and/or already dead. **Puppoi (A Duplicate Of My Puppy Raskcal)√: i see a hallucination of my therapy dog, Raskal, when im the only one who can see him. **Mr.OutOfDate√: this bitch pisses me off, 1. its basically when i have dreams/voices/visions/and obsessions over my mom dying. 2. Or when i live thru hell and darkness itself, like literally. 3. And lastly when i feel like im fading away closer to death. **NXSP (0ne Of The Alter Worlds I Live In As Liz Ramos, as I raise hell with Johnny "JJ" Garcia (I try to kill him on multiple occasions but I pulled the Red Wire && he got worse)√: NXSP, or known as "*Not Xactly Secure Program*", is one of the main alternate universes i go to, but its a dangerous (prison/hell/matrix/supernatural) world i go to. Thats where all my demons take place. It didnt used to be dangerous. Until Lily made Erin destroy the world of NXSP, by merging it with The Ends. **The Ends (The End Of NXSP it's worse than hell itself times infinity 100 percent)√: its worse than hell itself, basically you die and u never go back. But u get sent there while your asleep. And u never return. **Jonathan Maqranga√: Johnny and Alvaro tortured him, had a stepmom who gave him shit. I. Return of sex and getting tortured. From his brother's and sisters. It was rape and torture, he fell in love and the drugs. So he would do it. His dad left, he was around to protect Jonathan from the torture anymore, His mom introduced him to drugs at age 9, and he got addicted from that day on. His stepmom was actually Michael Alvarado-Alvaro. The other main person behind the torture. Was Lily Ramos-Garcia. His sister. **TwentyStepsForward√: TwentyStepsForward is a demon that i dont deal with a lot. But it's commonly known as TSF, which is the abreiviation of the whole name. TSF was born in a human demon body. But turned to ashes, after Johnny died. But it was later found out by me that this was Dancing Fires brother. **Edgar "Eddie" Alejandria√: Known as Eddie Alejandria (the main personality out of his 3 personalitys) , was a demon with no background to any other demons. But this demon was one of Johnnys servents. Eddie was in foster care his whole life. Eddie Alejandria is one of 3 personalities. 1. Eddie Alejandria: Main Personality 2. Chillwax Alejandria: Bad Demon (Devil) 3. Edgar Alejandria: Good Demon (Angel) **Dancing Rooms: everything is like a labrynth, rooms dancing and turning around. And talking to me. **UglyBitterSky√: this one is the archangel who i use to take me from universe to universe. Why it was named UglyBitterSky, is because it was a misinderstood archangel, commonly hated by Lily. Or Dancing Fire. **TheFuckAllTheWayUpInTheSky√: created by Dancing Fire, basically the sky tries to change courses and universes. Without permission of NXSP, tries to send u a message, but it doesn't care, its a living thing. **Chillwax Alejandria√: Chillwax Alejandria is the 2nd personality out of the 3. But is the Devil Demon, as well as Eddie, the 1st and main one. And Edgar. The Angel Demon. **People From My Past, A Vivid Movie Like Form Of My Whole Past From Beginning To End Flashing By In My Head (Random Times, Coordinated by Dancing Fire Themself): imagine all of my past, which some of u know 21% of it, oh well theres more. It goes from the very beginning in a vivid like movie detailed version of my past, to the very end of the trauma (2018) and whenever i start feeling good, Dancing Fire, cordinates it cus it wants me to go back in time and be constantly reminded of my traumatic past, so even tho it already happened, i relive it everyday and never really escape it. **ClosedOptions: this makes me go backwards. Programming negative stuff in my head that effects my every day living. **Josephina "Paid2Kill" Hernandez√: shes a torture, abuse, rape, street, domestic violence and suicide attempt survivor. Also got tortured in all ways by Johnny Garcia and Michael Alvarado-Alvaro. Josephina was in foster care. She died 21 times, then 11 times after that. But not on her own. Pills darkness pain and death was her addiction. She jumped off a bridge and became a "vegetable", but shes been in NXSP 3 times. But the 4th time she came up to NXSP, she got transferred to another unit, but was to "high maintenance" so she went back to NXSP. 💚💚🔥🥀🦋A Lil Deeper Into My Demons Life; *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; about the visions he basically comes at night funny how "at night" is when i act out anyways, "johnny" did some huge damage to me and made me do damage to others, but mostly me, he abused me, made me breakdown millions of times made me violent with crazy ass visions of different shit, its like living in a horror movie.coming after me i tried to kill him but he never dies he said "pull the red wire" which one do i pull theres to many i hate when he "possesses" me when he comes after me even in my dreams he still makes me violent sometimes but less cuz im getting treatment. "you gotta nice autograph picture, one for you and one for yo sister" at my group home "JJ" hassnt seen me (except for once i was outside trying to kill me or hurt myself, i threw rocks at the car that Johnny was running over my mom with in the vision, she ran she ran and i almost went AWOL but i didn't) *Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos; ~The Night You Left, Turning Sara Into Elizabeth Ramos~ MY STORYxccc Written In 9/6/12 I was screaming, panting, searching, all over, so this is my story, so i was @ Preston's open house, right? and he got mad at me and tried to punch me so i punched him then i ran round the blocks screaming for you when people walked by i threatened them i was insane dark posessed, i stole a pack of cigarretes and some blue pills and Esctasy the cops (there were about 7 or 8 cars) chasing me but i was to fast finally i got thrown in my moms car i went home lockled in my room going crazy cutting till i was bleeding and beaten and bruised, trashing my room, destroying everything, graffiting on myself and the walls writing "666" everywhere. ranting on satanistic shit, listening to death metal, finally Johnny took full control and possessed me i busted the door down trashed the house i punched my mom and myself the officer in our house i stole a pill bottle and chased my family around ranting on and on i busted the front door open my mom tackled me to the ground i got out of her grip i ran into the dark going cxrazy going mad trying to die with Johnny chasing me and abusing me, after about 5 minutes they tackled me to the ground i went to the car destroying the glass all my personalities came out, i got more posessed than before i realized it wasnt you Cynthia sang to me and i knew it wasnt you it was your father, Presly Garcia, i know you would leave me i knew you would fuck up. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; ~Lisxten Upx~ MY STORY.cc EMPTY.TO.EMPTY (WRITTEN AT RESIDENTAL TREATMENT CENTER) This is how I feel, i know you don't have the power to kill my mom you showed me that she burned in a fire well fuck off Johnny are you real? NO YOUR NOT FUCKING REAL. MAKE ME A PERSON OF DARKNESS, my depression digs deep Johnny no Johnny STOP MAKE IT STOP HELP ME HELP ME STOP IT NO GO AWAY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? but you can't kill mommy please dont take me to the ends. i don't know about you, but im done. this is how i feel, i feel lonely, and shattered, don't know where to go, what to do, im just done, i don't care about me, i hate me. I HATE ME. the new me isn't like the old me, the new me has lost herself inside and outside, mentally and physically, im lost inside a big dark hole of lonleyness, depression, sorrow, hurt, blind, numb, fucked up, mental, ill, scared, paranoid, crazy, done... If i leave i know, that you would be laughing you wouldnt cry JUST FUCKING WATCH ME SUFFER ABUSE MYSELF TO DEATH AND YOULL LAUGH YOUD BE HAPPY. and as i say goodbye, noone will here me. shit. worthless. lonely, nothing. wasted. IM FUCKING DONE! LET ME GO GET OFF ME IM DONE!!! its all clashing down nowhere to hide, trapped inside, wanting to die, wanting to cry, burst, break, can't breathe, its all inside, i have to get out before everyone comes down, i'm sorry to you all for making your life misrable. Something in my brain is missing or snapped, i can't reconize myself, im going dark, nothings helping im getting crazier, getting worse, its taking control of me its killing me, all over, its not normal, its killing me all over, im blind, im stuck, about to break, a chemical embalance, im different. my hallucinations make NO SENSE IM NOBODY WHO AM I I DONT KNOW WHO I AM. im losing my mind idk who i am its the end, wait stop talking, there coming in suits killing me, why arent i normal? whats going on? laugh laugh feeling intoxicated mental retardation out of it delusional fuck man im losing it, im going insane, idk who i am, help me, lost 40 lbs idk who i am real bad hallucinations, try to kill myself, my amazing friend Oscar prayed with me, cared, comforted me, helped me, he saved me brought me to God. I WANT DADDY. WHATS GOING ON? repeated phrases over and over in my head in my mind its broken, IM SCARED, "circles and squares for people who cares" i wanted to die, stayed up all night in the hospital bed, for 20 FUCKING HOURS. nothing makes sense.... BAD.EPISODE.SCREAMING. there after me, i dont know whats going on whats happened to me, ive changed for the worse NO NOT THE CHANGE. idk whats real and whats not, im not in reality, im in a dream can't wake up WHEN WILL I WAKE UP? my life is crumbling, Johnny is becoming real, bad anxiety, mom called 911 WENT TO ETS MENTAL HOSPITAL, CUZ I WENT CRAZY, THEY TOOK ME AWAY DONT TAKE ME AWAY WHY DID YOU TAKE ME AWAY??? IM JUST DONE AND OVER... bye :( *Good Daddy/Bad Daddy; So this is how it all started, so on 3/18/14, Tuesday, i tried to commit suicide, the night before i pulled an allnighter with my iPod, and pulling allnighters effects my medication, i was hearing my dads voice talking to me, saying, "im coming back" "no your not you little bitch so shut the fuck up" "im coming back nomatter if i like it or not" the next day at school i went AWA around campus. i was already pissed and triggered, i missing my dad, so i told my teacher and i went AWOL twice, the 1st time i ran i tried to jump in front of a car and my staff saw me and the OGI van was already chasing me, i refused to get in the van, they took me back to the school, i got out and went AWOL again, try kill myself, the van chased me, i fought to get in and this time the staff escorted me to the residential dorm quiet room, i got in 6 restraints 4 escorts, i selfharmed with my nails and i was damaging property. i had a whole bunch of people talk to me i screamed "i wanna go home" everywhere, i started hearing and seeing things, i didnt go home i went to ETS mental hospital, in an ambulance, all this shit happened cuz i was being unsafe, now i learned my lesson. *NXSP; ~Underestimated~ My Storryyxx 8/12/14 Sometimes, its not what it seems, its not reality, could cry and hurt myself for hours not sleep pull allnighters one day after another im bloodshot my brain is sufficating you can see all the hurt and pain in my eyes, im scared, wanting to die, take my family with me, im just so messed up, im done with this shit the mentalness the non functionality the disorders, im tired of me, im tired of life, im tired of everything. im just, darkness. ON 8/7/2012 In progress... okay its now 5:02 P.M, Johnny's awake again, ready to start raising hell, hes in process or "processing" hes adapting, ready to posess me, imma take off the motion detector im FUCKING BLOODSHOT READY TO FACE DEATH IM TO UNSTABLE IM TO DANGEROUS. and the wires, well white wires, trying to break free out the locked doors , so sweet, the dectectors on the doors the wires on the walls, the blood on the ceiling, the dreams that crash my mind MAKE ME FUCKING BLIND. myself broken to peices, 2:00 AM still up slaving myself, about to go out on myself, wanting to hang, but its just a thought, an addicting thought, the pain and suffering theres no end to the feeling, im down. almost about to become someone else, the transfering starts as i transform into someone dark, a dark shadow waiting to come out and kill the light, as the blood drips down me, on everything, my wrists, so silent, then i scream, cuz im bloodshot, eyes you can barely see nomore, cuz there full of blood, clear for water, the wires falling down, and strangle herself, now its 5:00 am, still awake ready to start it all over again. xx {.} isnt it funny? its like im a completly different person, no touch with reality, yes i do agree ive changed for the worst, mental in the head, my brain doesnt function right, and im different, im not normal stanger to myself its like im a complete stranger... mentally unstable, physco, not normal, im so ill, like im a complete stranger FUCK IT MAN. to crazy for normalcy NO FUNCTIONALITY THE PERFECT FUCK MY LIFE. insanity insane ive dissapointed all of them WHO AM I? nothing.. to bad for me, haha isn't it funny??? "Ms Function or KnoqoutToCrazyyes.no.or.maybe." *Flyerway; (POEM BY ME ALISA MONEE ALVAREZ/SARA BERGER) ""Have you heard the news lately, i was born to be dead, meant to be someone, but now imma noone, so now i blaqout, see you later, well maybe... Open your eyes, see yourself cry, die, break, and fade away, heartless and cold, stone cold, broken and empty, noone else knows, the pain that unfolds, the dark side of your mind, mental and lonely, how come you never told me? some reason or excuse, to keep me from me, is it because im to crazy or im sick in the head? all those stories you told me, when i was a baby, something changed right inside me, then i grew up for noone, had no love and acception, then i became different, to crazy to function, my brain is defunctioned, im old and unstable, but i am not able, to pay back the life i was grown to, crazy and physco, noone to hold me, sing rock'a'bye'baby. I guess i was born crazy, mentally ill, built a wall i cant break down, these chains tied right on me, broken and knoqued out, have you heard me lately? i am noone BUT IM BECOMING A SOMEONE I FOUND MYSELF AGAIN, THROUGH GOD, HE SAVED ME, IM READY TO BE HEALED TO BE RECOVERED END THE DARKNESS, GET BETTER, END TREATMENT, IM FUCKING READY YOU BITCHES CANT STOP ME, Im not gonna lose it all, go all out, make stupid ass choices, no dangerous stuff, imma maske the right choice I LOVE YOU GOD, THANK YOU@!!!!!"" POEM BY ME. THE END. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia/The Ends/Erin Ramos; ~Break In The Dark, Molero Fever~ Myy Storii xc :3 8/7/2012 "JJ"s awoken from his sleep, Putting Liz and brother's fire out, tonight ...Hes awake, hes awake,please save me, i cant control him anymore, i cant fight him anymore, not even for you, please mom come and save me, make him dissapear so i can see the stars again, Johnny, are you wake? are you ready to raise hell? i knew youd come back, are you gonna just stand there or are you gonna try to take over me, no no no dont touch me, to many people to much noise to much sound, no shut up, rock back and fourth, no mom please fly here tonight and save me, please no no no dont die Preston, are you really in the hospital? no hes not bleeding, open your eyes, JJ do you copy? send Preston to The Ends, the end of WHAT? no Johnny let me go, PLEASE LET ME GO, is that him? no no no no no no NOOOOOO lET GO OF ME. don't touch me DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME GET THE FUCK OFF ME. hes not dead, he cant be, im bleeding, Johnny stop not there, no i need you mom, no Johnny, no Johnny your not me, your a liar, NO IM NOT NOW HOLD STILL, IM GONNA KILL YOU, NO JOHNNY, PRESTON, MOMMY, hes now awake, processing, Johnny to Constance, send em all to The Ends, put there fire out, NOW, I SAID NOW BITCH... *Constance McMann; Saturday, 2:28 pm, Auguest 18th, 2012, Constance i need to ask you something. Dear Constance, i know how hard you worked to take care of me, but i still cant be here, alone, in this spot, sure i call you and i ask if theres a way to escape "JJ" but your answers always the same, "pull the red wire" but i dont know where it is, so please tell me, i love mom i really do, i cant choose between my real mom, and you Constance, your my sister, i call you my mom, but YOUR NOT MY FUCKING MOM. Liz Ramos, OUT... Thursday, 7:29 pm, Augest 23rd, 2012, and in the dark, he must remain. *NXSP/Erin Ramos/Liz Ramos; Things Erin did wrong... 1. told JJ about the red wire, 2. mentioned "the thing", 3. told JJ "L"s number, 4. pulled up a knife to Preston, 5. told JJ that Lisa is "L". Aye, call JJ back @2:30, call mama, to pull it all out, the numbers of "US" make the dreams harder, follow the red wire to kill it all, all the Garcias all the McManns, i thought i was outta sight, but im back on, calling Lisa 60 times a day until he kills, i dont know who, but it all means something, Lorene, i thought the socket was already electrified, i shaked and shaked, now look where i am, look where Preston is, sick as hell in the hospital bed, stop calling Lisa, im asking you Johnny, im not, im not, IM NOT break out with the green wire, i know you can, what about late night? i made a contract for the program, now JJ put me on level drop, 4RF, bitch, now I...I...shit here he comes, calling me, OH SHIT. -.- This is a blog i wrote when i was at my level 14 residential treatment center. Tuesday, 6:51 pm, Augest 21, 2012 LIFE OUTTA JOHNNYS SIGHT, WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU SO... why JJ did you open up a new story on us, not willing to even notify me, ive been in the program for 4 fucking years, and you never mentioned "The Thing" to me, im one of you guys, i had sight put on me, and now you want me to uninstall it? JJ get it thru your damn head that im a part of "US" im not going to The Ends i know hes in the hospital. you told me he was sick, i thought you were a liar, but i know its for real this time. the outsiders think your nothing but a freak, unexsistable, fake, but i know your real, i dont want to get a new master, im out of sight, forever, this is me Elizabeth Ramos..... oh my fucking god Erin, can't you see Liz doesnt want you or need you, just shut up, i dont want to hear it, shes outta sight all because of you, NO JJ ITS NOT MY FAULT, please just give me one more chance i dont wanna go to The Ends, im sorry i mentioned "The Thing". No Erin, times up, the red wires been pulled, and its all BECAUSE OF YOU. now we have to live outta sight, and Elizabeth, when she finds out Johnny cant be her master, and ill tell her the excact reason why. Im Erin Ramos this is me... bye. What do you mean? are you saying he left? AGAIN. i know Liz, all im saying is he can no longer posess you. then how the hell am i supposed to raise hell? if it hadnt been for Erin, we wouldnt be in this fucking mess, this would have NEVER HAPPENED. no CeeCee you know what this means, were gonna be sent to The Ends, if one "Ramos' pulls the wire, all the "Ramos" will be taken to The Ends. Do you know how low functioning Erin is? NO. I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF HE IS. SEND HIM TO THE ENDS, IM NOT GOING DOWN THAT ROAD, being a "McMann" HELL NO. Liz, im so sorry, i should have told him, its not my fault, ITS NOT MY FAULT... This is Elizabeth and CeeCee. nite bitch.... Okay Tuesday, 8:38 pm, Augest 28th, 2012, this is Plumb and Erin Ramos, JESUS CHRIST HOW LONG HAVE I KNOWN YOU? for all the time ive known you, like 2 years? shit, Erin hasn't even told Johnny about you yet, Plumb. i know your my friend, my step sister, but i have to tell Johnny, if you want to be a part of "US" i have to. But what if he doesn't approve me for the program? WELL THEN GET YOUR ASS UP AND START THE PAPERWORK. what paperwork? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? youll be sent to "The Ends" if JJ hears that, dont you EVER deny paperwork, oh and dont mention "The Thing" either. whats "The Thing"? Dont tell JJ that i told you what "The Thing" is, alright? i promise. okay "The Thing" happens excactly on December 30th, 2012. YEAH AND? what happens is all the wires will be pulled, and every person that asleep while its happening will be sent to "The Ends" Erin is gonna be sent to "The Ends" regardless, i know you like Erin, but hes your step brother, he doesnt even know you exsist, well im logging off, nite o> *Michael Alvarado-Alvaro/DANCING Squares/Veronica&Victoria Enxxelia; [[[[ -----Will You Believe Me If I Went Insane? (These are TRUE REAL Stories I had written in CHYC treatment center back in 2012, these are 100% real, about my hallucinations and me going insane, my stories && my raps.) X'd Out Bitchz-----]]]] 7/12/2012, Ronnie Irez, Coded, got in the shower half naked, sat there crying, digging deep into my skin with the blade oh I pressed it against my skin, watching it bleed, the blood rushing down, brings me to my knees, don't feel no pain, but I'm enjoying it, the blood dripping on the floor, but I don't care, just stand there, watch me bleed, at that moment I jumped and hit the ground, no tears came out, oh hell no, I tried to move but I couldn't, I was stuck, this is just payback for my choices, I tried to get up but I couldn't move a muscle, well this is how I am, visions of killing and fighting and burning down this place, so I got up and climbed out the window, I pulled out my gun, pointing it towards my mouth, thinking of death, suicide, ending it all, Johnny's got me now and I'm just fine, I assaulted 5 cops, and I ran, so faraway I couldn't be found, the world is cruel, it's full of pain, all I think about is numb blank fucked up thoughts, that's all I want to do, all I ever wanted, so I pull out the lighter and my cigarretes I smoked until I fainted, getting faded, and it all turned black , oh I'm so sad, so sad, full of pain, now I feel it, now oh I regret it, bye mom bye dad, see you later, oh no . *Charlotte McMann; 7/12/2012, fire and flames, last week was the day I did it, now I regret it but I did it, I tried to kill my other, I walked into his room and tried to choke em' watch the satisfaction on my face grow, to see him in pain, to see him suffer like I once did, tried to kill em ' all to take em' where daddy is, so we can all be together, and burn this place on fire, and kill every fool in this damn place, yeah I said it, and I'll do it , hell no bitch yo getting in my face, I'll fuck you up before you can blink, have a nice rest while I knock you out, see you in hell, cuz dats where yo ass is going, can't you hear me? can't you hear my voice or are you just ignoring it . yes you tried but you didn't make it, sorry for your loss but it's not my problem, well goodbye have sweet dreams cuz when you'll wake up it will be dark and empty, burning like my soul, like my heart, like the diamonds in your fire , cuz I'm no liar cuz yo just a fake, the cops are chasing me, you'll never catch me, cuz dats just me. Cold and over, shivering outside , the rain is falling down , try to make it through, oh sorry no I can't, I try to walk my way , but there's nowhere to go, my home is so far away, I'm cold and alone, where are you ? I need you, lead me the way I need to go , oh I need to know , where I am, where I need to go , before I lie here and die, my bodies getting old, I'm just laying here like a stone, bodies tense, muscles to hard to move, can't seem to make it any further , come on, come on , your almost there, you may not realize it , but you go to believe, just a few miles away , yes you got to believe, crawl faster, get up , please, I don't wanna see you so broken, I wanna see you try, climb , run , please please your almost there, don't give up now cuz your getting close, your thinking why try harder? but you've got to before you die and get taken away from me, I've already lost enough, I can't stand losing you, leave me like this, shattered inside , cold inside and out, skin scratched and bruised and bleeding, I'm so cold , can you see through me ? if you can please tell me, why me why now why does it have to be this way , why does it have to end like this? *Contance McMann/Erin Ramos; 7/14/2012, see your face, burn down the house, watch it fall, try to stop it but it's no use no more, later that day she burned in a fire, I ran in there, tried to save her, but you know what , she was already dead, the body was turned to ashes, I picked it up trying to bring it back to life , opening eyes like a pleasure, there were red and bloodshot, I had a mental breakdown put it in my trunk, road off the bridge deep into the ocean, we drowned to the bottom, I passed out then I woke up in a hospital bed , body scarred, face burnt, I looked up and there was Constance , I was scared, didn't mean it, I saw your face Constance, please forgive me,it was just a vision, just my mind playing tricks on me , I sorry I was sweating now I got up and slipped and fell when I saw your face, I jumped I was scared oh Erin not now , please not now, I grabbed your body and hid it, JJ killed ya, oh I saw your face , yes i saw your face, it was gone forever. ^.^ *Flyerway && Eddie/Edgar/Chillwax Alejandria; 9/3/2012 My last step, baby it's gonna be okay, don't worry ill be alright, I tried to tell you but you never listened to me I don't care anymore, what you say or what you think, I'm in pain, all over my body, the scars are infected, my life is over, as I inject the last shot of meth, I say goodbye hopeing I would die , die slowly in pain, I light the candles there on fire, I step into the bathtub, water burning, I take my last step in life, I try to cry but it's impossible to me, I'm in so much pain, I can't take it anymore , JJ is after me , trying to kill me, I just want to escape , I'm melting and falling to peices blood all over, ready to die, but then I see you, your face is shocked, you yell and cry, I can't stand to see you hurt, I try to crawl out, but it's to late, body is numb and now all I hear is sirens ringing, your crying, police trying to save my life, I feel so numb, but I don't care, this is the end and now I say, goodbye... *Elizabeth Ramos/Constance McMann/Charlotte McMann/Josephina "Paid2Kill" Hernandez; xxGotNoPleasurexc -"Seeing Me, Elizabeth Ramos , It's Like Reading A Nightmare" (my hallucination alternate life) , by me Sara Berger/Alisa Alvarez- _____Walk into the classroom with your head held high, say hello to everyone inside, my greetings warm and friendly, but when I go outside I remember that I don't have a home, and I feel alone, remember the day I dressed you up for school? The day I cried when I said my goodbye? As you got on that bus and drove away? You don't know what goes on through closed doors, at school everything seems fine , I sit down and do my work quietly and I see all my friends, and act like it's all alright , I'm scared to get in the car , what's gonna happen as soon as I leave my second home? Behind my smile and my hard work and kindness is someone broken and damaged, I can't show it besides behind closed doors. I walk into my house , no parents home, my sister Constance Ramos is inside sitting on the couch, waiting for me to come in with my substances, I pass out the liquor and the cocaine and get high every second of the day, I never had real parents cuz my dad was a physcotic killer and my mom got sent to jail for drugs , aggression , and sexual assault. My dad abused me 24/7 and put a gun to my moms head countless times, and beat her till she bleed and suffocated, he was a serial killer addicted to meth and crack cocaine, and my whole life he beat us to death , tortured us, till we blackout, and cut us up, and abused us to death. Finally he got sent to jail and he killed himself, so I didn't have a dad, no parents, I had to raise myself, my mom was so traumatized that she got Alzheimer's, she was like a 2 year old, she couldn't take care of me and she had physcotic episodes, then the police came cuz she started shooting her shotgun at the wall and all around the house and then at me as she was screaming "I wish you were dead, just like your father, go get raped or killed and kill yourself" she was not in reality she got hijacked and possessed and thought I was her husband and thought I was someone else, she didn't knew who I was, I was like a stranger and so was she, just a blank cold dis activated stranger, she wasn't my mom she was an animal who didn't know reality, and I was like bait to her for her physcotic episodes, then she drowned my head in the tub and burned me and tortured me worse then my dad as she got possessed, she shoved my head against the wall beating me and suffocating to death and stabbing me and torturing me, then she took her shotgun and pointed it towards my head, before she raped me while I was on the toilet and injected drugs into me, the police took her away and I moved to a foster home. The house parents were drug dealers, and they were crude and physcotic, they raped all the children and murdered them, they tortured us like a murderer would but we had to keep it a secret, shhhhhh they said, very quiet, they abused us bad and attempted to kill us, mainly me and this other kid Erin Vanity, we both got brain damaged , our bodies were bloody and scarred , I took Erin in as my little brother and we grew close, but he was low functioning as well, so I had to teach him, one night when we were sleeping I got a call from the neighborhood police department , saying my mom died after she got arrested she jumped out of the car and into the freeway, so I never had parents. I went through 24 foster homes where we were tortured and on drugs, finally me and Erin were on the streets for 2 years doing crazy physcotic illegal shit and killing , and that's where I met this girl named Constance Ramos who was also on the streets, she took us in and we became family , The Ramos Family, we lived together , and then Johnny Garcia came into our lives, he became my master , and me and him and his father Presly got possessed and raised hell (definition for torturing killing and doing physcotic insane and murderous Satanistic shit) he was my master and were physco insane , dysfunctional killers, and we raised hell all day and all night, doing the craziest shit u can think of, and I came home to Constance snorting cocaine and Erin smoking and having a physcotic episode, trashing the house and he was mentally 2 years old. I had no family all my life has been trauma, so I continued to raise hell with Johnny , then he took us to NXSP , a world of controlled programs we went there and raised hell like Satan would have but worse, we became physcotic killers , everybody was, finally I had a home, we were controlled and possessed and our minds were controlled and damaged and we were controlled by our minds and by our programs, I went there to raise hell , I came into the real world and they possessed me and I was out doing crazy physcotic Satanistic shit just as bad as in NXSP, I went insane and my mom was out of it (my mom in the real world) , her little girl was gone I became possessed as Elizabeth Ramos, raising hell and I still had no one so besides being physcotic and living in NXSP and dealing with possessed possessive insane hallucinations and turning me into a possessed physcotic person, i pretended to be fine. I came to school like nothing was wrong, I said my hellos and friendly greetings, but behind closed doors I was raising hell in NXSP, going crazy as Sara and Elizabeth, doing crazy shit in both of my lives. You still don't know what happens behind closed doors, cuz it isn't what it seems, when your seeing me, Elizabeth Ramos .