#when i just made her she was meant to be an ex child actor... watching the movie is making me want to bring that back in some way... but id

[tarot-the-silly-one]

just a silly girl moment :)

[thewolfruns]

when he started to laugh, leti looked more annoyed at first, but as he continued it kind of made her laugh too. maybe it was a just stress release. she'd heard about that kind of thing when she was in counseling as a kid as an explanation for inappropriate reactions, but she'd never really had those long. her grandmother never would've allowed it. if she'd stayed with her, she probably would've been pushed into being a child actor or something equally as soulless. she'd been lucky to go to live with her cousins, even if it'd meant sharing a room. now she'd kill to sleep on the floor of chuy's auto garage. instead she was probably going to sleep with one eye open in someone else's cold bed.

somewhat disarmed by the laughter, she leaned against the wall, crossing her arms in a posture that seemed more relaxed than defensive and yet still apprehensive. "i didn't break into houses." she said easily, but then the wheels were clearly turning back in time. "okay, well--" she pointed at him. "--we sorta did when we were kids, but they were empty--much like i thought this one was--and we'd just like sneak up on the roof." watch the sunset. or have a few beers and watch the sun rise. "i don't know if you were like that as a kid, but most've the houses like that weren't, y'know, nice like this." she pursed her lips at his comment. she wasn't entirely letting her guard down, but probably a cannibal wouldn't be joking with her before dinner. or, if he would, it would've been rife with stupid puns about her staying for dessert or something. so, she smiled tentatively and let out a breathy laugh. "yeah, i guess that's true, but i don't want to be rude anymore." the seven words she spoke quieter than the others. she was tired and that was clear in her voice.

"well, you're the first person i've come across. i'm not really trying to meet anyone else." she'd stay the night and move on in the morning. maybe see if she could raid an rei and head north where there was more snow and less people--living and dead. "sounds like neither of us are really varsity material." she joked, though she'd never really experienced the feeling of being picked last. "don't worry," she smirked slightly. "i promised i wouldn't take your tampons. maybe it's worth staying." she didn't want to be responsible for this guy leaving. "oh, shit. i don't even know your name." nobody even knew her name. she wondered if it was the same for him. "i'm leti." and then there it was. the question she didn't want to answer. no one was looking for little leti any more. at least not as far as she could tell. "no, um--" blinking away any tears, she looked away. if she'd interacted much with other survivors, she wouldn't have let her guard down like that, but her family was such a soft spot for her. "my cousin's place was--" a crime scene. "i don't think anyone could've survived." aside from him, there wasn't much else for her aside from some high school friends, a long list of bad dates and worse exes, and a grandmother she'd rather die than see again. "not anyone i'd want to look for anyway."

You don’t have to be rude. For some reasons, these words sounded like the funniest thing and Rez laughed, a genuine one, the kind he hadn’t had in a long time. He knew it sounded like he was laughing at her but he didn’t care, the act of laughing like this being almost too foreign to acknowledged the rest. No, he didn’t have to be rude, and at the same time, he did. This was the world they were in now. “You used to break into people’s home often before?” The question was not asked in a way that was intended to be mean. It just seemed so absurd to tell someone they didn’t have to be rude after finding out someone had been in their space without them knowing. “Being rude seems almost expected, no?” He was almost teasing her now, something that was far from his attitude moments ago. She was a rollercoaster this one, crying one second and sounding almost irritated the next. Somehow, he didn’t fully believe her when she said she wasn’t messy but that was still to be discovered.

Admittedly, inviting her to stay for the night was the worst possible idea and yet, Rez didn’t entirely regret it. It had been an impulsive invitation, even if it was backed with a solid sense of survival. Unless they had sent their best actress, Rez doubted she was lying about all she had told him so far and his first instinct, well, second, after looking out for himself, was to ensure she was safe. Helping others, it was a feeling he missed, a side of himself he thought gone for good. It wasn’t a desire to play hero, but a part of himself from before, a strong sense of morals.

“Joining one could be the best thing for you. What if the next person you cross doesn’t care for others?” His tone was slightly scolding, something he had no doubts would irritate her even more. In a way, he liked that side of her best, the one that was fighting. “Why would I do that? I have a nice place, you know that. Leave all this behind? Might have to, seems to become a prime spot.” Rez couldn’t argue with her words, having seen himself too much of what they did, having done some of it himself. He had been misguided and it weighed on him. Solitude suited him more, that way no harm could be done. At least, none to those who didn’t deserve it. “No one from before who made it like you?” His tone was softer now, knowing just too well what it was like to find yourself alone, without any familiar faces surrounding him. “There are people who can look, sometimes people only get separated and don’t know how to find those they knew.” The man knew giving out even such small hope was cruel, most times people were truly gone, but he found himself unable to resist doing so, to offer her something. “I could put you in touch with one of them.”

[arvinsescape]

Late.

A/N: As always i hope you enjoy. First time writing genuine arsehole Tom. You can now read a follow up if you want here.

Summary: Tom’s late for dinner, reader has had enough. Tom makes a mistake but it all works out in the end.

W/C: 2.2K

Warnings: Swearing.

“Tom Holland spotted with new girlfriend after breakup with ex.”

“Tom Holland on night out with new girlfriend.”

“Is Tom Holland finally over his ex?”

You saw the headlines and wanted to throw your phone at a wall. You and Tom had dated for two years and broken it off a couple of months ago, it was sad and it was messy a row where you both said things you shouldn’t have.

“Seriously Tom?” You shouted as you threw your hands up, voice hoarse from all the shouting.

“I was late, yes. I get it you were left hanging but I was busy and didn’t finish on time. You need to get some perspective.” He shouted.

“I’m not even upset about that, a quick text would have been nice. But no, you left me sat there like a complete fucking idiot.” You fired back and he rolled his eyes.

“I have had a stressful enough day as it is. I don’t need you adding to it. You’re behaving like a bratty child and you knew what you were getting yourself into.”

“Seriously? That’s you’re defence? I knew what I was getting into, so what, I’m just supposed to accept it?” You asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, you know you could really use getting some more friends. You can’t just rely on me all the time.” He snapped and your heart dropped. You had friends, but not many, you’d been bullied a lot through high school and therefore kept a small circle of people you trusted and he knew that.

“They were busy.” You fired back.

“Were they? Or are they just sick of listening to you go on?” He shouted and that stung, it was a huge insecurity of yours, you always feared people didn’t truly like you.

“You know what Tom? You are so far stuck up your own arse that it’s embarrassing. I’m glad you and your foul fucking mood didn’t make it tonight.” You shouted, you were close to tears but you didn’t want to cry in front of him, not right now.

“Yeah well at least I fucking do something with my life.” He shouted back and you couldn’t stop the tears at that. You’d recently turned down a promotion to move to New York so that you could see him as often as you still did, it felt like he was throwing it back in your face.

“You are a vain, arrogant, selfish, stuck up arsehole.” You said back as your voice cracked, his eyes instantly snapped to yours as he heard your voice crack. His anger washed away completely as he realised exactly what it was he’d just said to you. He took a careful step towards you as he spoke.

“Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.” You cried when you heard the softness in his voice. A stark contrast from seconds ago.

“Don’t ‘baby’ me you arsehole. I’m going to stay at Lizzie’s.” You said as you picked up your bag, going into the bedroom and stuffing whatever clothes touched your hands into it, he was hot on your trail.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. It was out of line, I’m sorry.” He kept trying. When you were done you turned to look at him.

“Those were possibly some of the worst things you could have said to me. Thank you for playing on the insecurities that I told you about in confidence. I greatly fucking appreciate it.” You snapped, your tears were unstoppable and he felt awful.

“Y/N please. Just calm down and we’ll talk about it yeah?” He was crying now and you turned to make your way towards the front door. You turned to look at him one last time before you spoke.

“Until you’ve sorted your attitude out, I don’t wanna see you.” You said as you slammed the door shut and left for Lizzie’s.

He had tried to call you, many times after that. He showed up at Lizzie’s a week later but she wouldn’t let him in. You cried for weeks and just as you thought you were getting better, that you weren’t missing him the same, you saw that he had a new girlfriend. You’d noticed he’d tried to ring you a couple of times this morning but you’d ignored it. Your twitter mentions had gone through the roof for the first time since you’d split and you couldn’t help but look at them.

Dam that girl looks like Y/N but less attractive.

Y/N is naturally prettier I have to say.

Looking at the pictures, I think it’s just a hook up.

She’s far prettier than Y/N, well done Tommy.

That girl legit looks the spit of Y/N, I don’t think he’s over her.

It looks like Tom took Y/N and upgraded her.

I feel bad for the amount of hate Y/N’s getting, leave her be guys, we don’t know why they split up or how she’ll be feeling about this, I know I’d be heartbroken.

You furrowed your brows as you opened one of the pictures and in all fairness they weren’t wrong, she held a lot of similarities but she was far prettier and it made your heart ache. You still liked that some of his fans were supportive, some had been quite defensive of you. Tom had been vague about why you’d split up but never once denied it was his fault.

Then a tweet caught your eye because you noticed that Harry had retweeted it.

Please don’t bother Y/N with this. We know Tom said it was his fault as to why they broke up. We know that they loved each other and I think Tom might have made a mistake. Please respect that they are both still probably hurting and we should leave them alone.

Why was Harry retweeting something about this? Sure, he’d been supportive of you but not in public. Please respect that they are both still probably hurting. Was Tom still hurting? Apart from this morning he hadn’t tried to reach out at all in three weeks, you thought that was his way of saying he was over it. That was until you opened your voicemail and saw that Tom had left one last night. You sighed as you brought the phone up to your ear.

“Hi baby, sorry Y/N. I shouldn’t call you that anymore.” He was drunk and he was crying, that much you could tell. “Erm, you didn’t pick your phone up, not that I blame you. I wouldn’t if you said that shit to me. Listen, you’re gonna see some stuff tomorrow that I’m not proud of but you probably won’t get the whole truth and I want you to know what happened.” He sniffled a few times and your heart ached, he’d wanted to tell you first and you’d not answered.

“So I got really drunk tonight, as you can probably tell. I met this girl and she looked like you, she wasn’t you but she looked like you. She was really nice actually but that’s beside the point. You’re probably gonna see the pictures of me kissing her outside that club and I’m sorry. I know we’re not together but I haven’t moved on and I don’t want you to think I have.” You were crying as you listened to him, he sounded like he was in so much pain.

“I still love you, like a lot and I’m sorry. I brought her here and when we were about to sleep together I couldn’t do it. She was in our bed Y/N/N, that’s your place, not hers and I just couldn’t do it. I cried and she was really nice, she told me to call you. So here I am. Well, she said I should call you tomorrow when I was sober but I was hoping I’d hear your voice. Your voicemail will have to do I suppose. I love you and I miss you and I’m sorry I was such a prick. I didn’t mean it.”

You ended the call because you couldn’t listen anymore, he sounded like he was in so much pain and it made your heart sink into the pit of your stomach. He really was hurting as much as you were, maybe more. You were pulled out of your thoughts as your phone buzzed. Tom. You hesitated for a second before you answered.

“Hey.” You said in the best voice of happiness you could muster.

“Y/N? I didn’t think you’d answer.” He sniffled, was he crying again?

“Yeah, I erm, I got your voicemail.” You said and you heard as he let out a sob.

“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair, I didn’t mean to spill all that, I only rang you with the intent of explaining what you’ve probably seen this morning. I shouldn’t have done that, I know you’re trying to move on so I shouldn’t have told you that I still love you.” He rambled through his sobs and your heart broke.

“Tom, it’s okay. I think I can forgive you for leaving an emotional voicemail.” You laughed through your tears and you heard him let out a choked laugh too.

“Can I see you? You don’t have to come here and I don’t have to come to you but can we meet somewhere neutral please? Even if it’s just for closure?” He was begging and you knew deep down you couldn’t say no even if you wanted to.

“Okay. How about that coffee shop we both like?” You said.

“Okay, gimme an hour?” The hope in his voice was enough to lift your heart slightly.

An hour later and you found yourself awkwardly sat at a table with Tom as you sipped your coffee.

“I’m sorry.” He sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. “I mean it. I shouldn’t have said what I said, it was so fucking wrong of me. I shouldn’t have used your insecurities like that, it was a dick move. You’re right I was being an arrogant, selfish arsehole and you deserved better, I understand why you left me.” He said as he looked at you, you could see the tears brimming and watched as he swallowed them back.

“It hurt Tom.” You said in response. “But you weren’t completely wrong either, I did rely on you too much, I pushed you harder than I should have at times and I know how hard you work.”

“Y/N, you just wanted me to be there when I said I was going to be, that’s not relying on me too much, that’s just asking me to be your boyfriend.” He sighed again.

“But you were right, there was always a chance that what would happen happened and I should have been more understanding.” You said as you looked at him again.

“I should have sent you a text and for that I’m sorry but it wasn’t like it was the first time it happened. I was so wrapped up in the film that I didn’t think much past it and I’m sorry for that. I shouldn’t have thrown you turning down that promotion at you either, I know you did that for us.” He said and he meant it, you knew he did, he may have been a fantastic actor but he always had this look in his eye when he was being completely genuine and vulnerable, one he couldn’t fake.

“It’s okay. I think we both needed to learn some things when we broke up.” You sighed as you sat in silence again, it felt more comfortable this time.

“I’m sorry about last night, the voicemail, the girl. All of it.” He said.

“It’s okay. In fairness you don’t have to apologise about the girl, you are single.” You tried to joke and he tensed.

“No but I didn’t want you to think I’d moved on, you deserve better than that. As for being single, please don’t remind me.” He huffed slightly, you could see the pain, it was all over his face. You missed him dearly and he seemed so genuine about how sorry he was. You sighed before you spoke up again.

“How about I let you take me to dinner tomorrow night? You know start over?” You mumbled and his face lit up in the most genuine way you’d ever seen.

“Seriously? You wanna try again?” He was smiling now and you realised how much you’d missed seeing it.

“I’m prepared to try again but take it slowly.” You admitted.

“Whatever you want.” He was nodding profusely, it almost looked comical. “What time? I won’t be late I promise.”

“7?” You asked as you stood to collect your bag.

“I’ll be there at ten to.” He smiled as you made you’re way out of the coffee shop.

[waitimcomingtoo]

Tis the Damn Season

Pairing: Tom Holland x reader

Based off Tis The Damn Season

Masterlist

It was his jacket.

It was 100% his jacket, the red plaid one he only wore for the holidays.

And there it was, that stupid red jacket, standing in front of the tea section of your local grocery store.

He used to drape that jacket over your shoulders when you got cold on dates. Now, you wore a coat he had never seen before and you had no idea who’s shoulders had taken your please.

It had to be him. It just had to be your ex boyfriend in the one grocery store in town on the very day you decided to run some errands.

He just had to be there.

You immediately turned around, hoping to avoid a reunion with who that jacket belonged to. You looked over your shoulder at him and accidentally made eye contact, making you whip around and flush. You cursed yourself as you heard Tom approaching you, wishing you could disappear into this air.

“Y/n?” His voice sounded behind you. “Is that you?”

“Tom!” You pretended to see him for the first time as you turned around. He looked different, but after all, it had been four years since you’d seen him. Just from the look of him, you could tell there was an ache in him put there by the ache in you. But despite the ache, he pulled you into a hug.

“Hey.” He sighed as he rubbed your back. “It’s been a long time.”

“I know. I haven’t seen you since high school.” You chuckled nervously as you pulled away.

“Wow.” Tom was taken aback. “Has it really been that long?”

“Yeah.” You told him. “The night of our graduation was the last time I ever saw you.”

“Right.” Tom smiled sadly. “You just graduated college right? In June?”

“Yeah.” You nodded, feeling the tension between you. “How’d you know about that?”

“Your mum and I kept in touch.” He admitted. “She sent me pictures. Congratulations, by the way.”

“Oh, thanks.” You laughed awkwardly. “I’m gonna have to talk to her about sending pictures to my high school boyfriend.”

“Yeah.” He laughed as well, before clearing his throat. “You know, I looked for you every time I came home for the holidays. All fours years of college.”

“I know. And I made sure you never found me.” You forced a smile, an uncomfortable silence settling between you avoided eye contact.

“Y/n, I’m so sorry about that night. Graduation night, I mean.” Tom said suddenly. “I didn’t know you were gonna react like that.”

“You didn’t know I was gonna be upset when you waited to tell me you were leaving town to pursue acting until the week before you were leaving?” You cocked your head but kept a smile on your face so you wouldn’t seem reproachful.

“I didn’t know you were gonna break up with me and stop speaking to me.” He corrected you, also keeping a slight smile on his face.

“I was mad at you.” You admitted. “I was mad you waited so long to tell me.”

“Are you still mad?” He teased, making you chuckle. “Am I the subject of a bunch of break up songs I don’t know about?”

“No.” You smiled coyly. “I stopped being mad by the time school started up again. Then I just missed you.”

“You did? I missed you too.” Toms eyes softened. “I called you all summer. You never picked up.”

“Like I said, I was mad.” Your lips tightened into a line as you looked around awkwardly.

“Yeah.” Tom laughed sadly and looked down. “You broke my heart.”

“You broke mine first.” You countered. “So I guess we broke each other’s.”

Tom looked at you for a moment before shrugging, seemingly making a decision.

“We could call it even.” He suggested. “We could put all of that behind us and just enjoy each other’s company while we’re here.”

“You wanna do that?” You raised an eyebrow. “You want to wipe the slate clean?”

“If it’s okay with you, it’s okay with me.” Tom nodded, making you smile. You had to admit, you missed him terribly. The past was far behind you now and you saw no reason to cling to it.

“All right.” You decided. “I’m staying at my parents house. You should come by sometime.”

“I will. I miss them. I miss adults.” Tom shook his head. “The people in LA are so boring. Actors, especially.”

“Actors, huh?” You snorted. “If I wanted to know who you were hanging with while I was gone, I would've asked you.”

“I wasn’t trying to be boastful.” Tom rolled his eyes playfully. “I was just saying.”

“I’m only teasing you.” You assured him. “I had to make sure the stardom didn’t go to your head.”

“I promise you, it didn’t. I’m still the guy who took you to prom and tripped over your dress.” He reminded you of the simpler times, making you smile.

“What are you doing today?” You asked suddenly, not wanting the reunion to end.

“Nothing. Why?”

“I’m parked over by the Methodist and the high school.” You jerked your head in that direction. “We could just ride around, if you want.”

“Do you still drive that big red truck?” Tom smiled like a child.

“I do indeed.” You nodded.

“Then yeah.” He chuckled. “Let’s go.”

You paid for your groceries and led Tom back to your truck, easily spotting it’s bright red color in the falling snow.

“It’ll be so weird to be back by the school.” Tom shuddered as he looked back at your old high school. “I never wanted to come back here after we graduated.”

“I know.” You agreed. “But the memories aren’t all bad. We kissed for the first time under those bleachers, if I remember correctly.”

“I remember it too.” Tom smiled sheepishly as he went around to the passenger side. “Didn’t you just get here? How did you get this much mud on your tires?”

“We were in Drivers Ed together.” You reminded him. “You know exactly how my tires got muddy.”

“Right.” Tom laughed as he buckled up. “I believe Mr. Zion called you a pleasure to have in class but reckless behind the wheel.”

“You know me, baby. Always taking the road less traveled.”

“Yeah well, that road was apparently full of mud.” Tom said sarcastically as he got in.

You laughed and started up the car, the cold fogging up your windshield, making you reach for the heat. Tom had the same idea, and your hands touched accidentally. You both smiled as you withdrew them, blushing as you turned away.

“Sorry.” You said as you reached for the heat again, an embarrassed smile still on your face.

“It’s okay.” Tom nodded. “I’ve missed your smile.”

“I’m only smiling because I’m in my old car with my high school boyfriend and I’m internally panicking.” You admitted as you began to drive.

“Why are you panicking?” He asked. “We’ve known each other our whole lives.”

“Your life is in LA now.” You shrugged as you kept your eyes ahead. “You don’t know me anymore.”

“I want to.” Tom confessed. “I hated that we fell out of touch. I didn’t know giving this small town meant I had to give up you.”

“Tom, I told you. I’m not mad at you anymore.” You assured him. “And honestly, I don’t even blame you for leaving. We weren’t meant for a life in a small town. As soon as I could, I escaped it too. You just escaped first.”

“I think about that night a lot.” Tom admitted. “You were so excited to graduate. I had to go and ruin it by telling you I was leaving.”

“You were never great with timing.” You laughed softly. “You literally asked me to be your girlfriend right after I told you my cat died.”

Tom laughed as well, but when you looked at his face in the rear view mirror, he still looked upset.

“I’m surprised you even remember that night.” You kept talking to fill the silence. “I thought all the premiers and movie scripts would have replaced any memories of me.”

“Of course I remember you, darling.” He said certainly. “I remember every thing. All the kisses and dates and fights. I even remember your stupid cat.”

“He never liked you.” You laughed as you turned the corner.

“I know.” Tom rolled his eyes. He quieted down after a moment and returned his gaze to the window.

“God, that feels like so long ago.” You sighed with nostalgia. “What else do you remember about this place?”

“I remember your face when I told you I was leaving.” He said quietly, making you look at him briefly. “I remember how your makeup running down your face. And then I remember you watching me leave. I blocked everything else out.”

Upon hearing Toms words and the strain in his voice, you pulled your car over and looked at him.

“Look, you left. It sucked and it broke my heart but it happened. But you know what? It happened four years ago. I’m over it. So all this guilt you’re feeling is unwarranted. We said we were going to call it even, didn’t we?”

“Yeah. We did.” He nodded but his guilt didn’t let up.

“So stop with the pouting and the guilty eyes and the apologies. I forgave you four years ago.” You laughed, and he finally smiled. “You don’t need to apologize.”

“Well, it is the season for forgiveness.” He said sheepishly as his smile widened.

“There you go.” You cupped his chin. “I’ve missed your smile too, you know. And it’s tis the season. It sounds more festive that way.”

“Fine. Tis the season.” He obliged.

“Tis the damn season, indeed.” You nodded curtly. “Plus, this will be our first holiday together since high school. We should be focusing on that. The past doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Do you ever think about what would have happened to us if I stayed?” Tom asked as he kept his eyes on the falling snow. “Or how different our lives would be now if we went down the same path all those years ago?”

“Of course I do.” You said softly. “I thought about you all the time in college. I wondered what it would be like if I had taken your road instead of driving off on my own.”

“I thought about you too.” A sad look set into Toms eyes. “Honestly, darling, I never stopped loving you. Not even for a day.”

“I didn’t know that.” You bit the inside of your cheek. “I didn’t stop either.”

“You know what else?” Tom swallowed as he stared at you. “I think the road not taken looks real good now.”

“Oh yeah?” You raised an eyebrow and leaned across the transmission. “And where does that road lead?”

“To you.” He smiled coyly. “It always leads to you and my hometown.”

“How long are you in town?” You spoke softly as you pulled him closer by the jacket of his collar.

“I’m here until Monday.” He told you as your noses brushed. “Why?”

“I’m staying at my parents house.” You reminded him. “You should stay there too.”

“Yeah?” He tilted his head. “And do what?”

“You could call me “babe” for the weekend.” You shrugged, lips grazing his. “Or anything else you’d like. I believe “darling” was a favorite of yours.”

“You’d want to do that? Even though I’m leaving?” His eyes darkened.

“Why not? I’ll be yours for the weekend. No strings attached.” You told him before connecting your lips to his. Tom kissed you back, putting his palm on your cheek to keep you close. It was your first kiss since high school, and it felt exactly how you remembered. Tom pulled away to catch his breath and rested his forehead against yours.

“So.” His lips twitched into a smile. “When does that weekend start?”

Time flew and Monday came all too quickly. You and Tom spent the weekend making up for the four years you’d been apart. On the day of his fight, you slept in half the day for old times sake. The sunlight hit you, waking you up and malign you curse your teenage self for not putting up thicker curtains. Tom rolling over beside you startled you but his warm hand on your hip calmed you down.

“Morning, babe.” His voice was husky from just waking.

“Good morning.” You rolled over so you were facing him. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Surprisingly yes, considering we’re two adults sharing your twin sized bed.” Tom chuckled sleepily.

“Must’ve been the company.” You shrugged coyly.

“Must be.” Tom grinned before leaning in to kiss you. You kissed him back before nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

“This is how the past four years should have been. I should have been waking up next to you every morning.” Tom sighed as he rubbed your back.

“I know.” You responded before letting a silence settle in. You both knew the weekend was over, and neither of you wanted it to end.

“We should get up.” You said reluctantly. “Your flight is soon.”

“Yeah.” Tom sighed and untangled himself from you. He got out of bed and pulled his shirt on that had been discarded somewhere on the floor. You found your pajama shirt at the edge of the bed and pulled it on, the cold material sending a chill down your spine. You solemnly watched Tom get dressed, noticing how he kept his back to you. He did this to hide his despair as he got ready to leave the warmest bed he’d ever known.

“Tom?” You asked, making him turn around almost immediately.

“Yes?” He asked, hopeful eyes on you.

“Nothing.” You lost your nerve and sat back into the bed. “Never mind.”

“I don’t have to go yet.” He said quickly. “I could stay a few more days.”

“Why?” You asked sadly. “So I can wait around while you decide if this is worth it or not?”

“Well I won’t ask you to wait if you don’t ask me to stay.” Tom answered. “Because I would. If you asked me to, I would stay.”

“What about your life back in LA?” You asked as you got off the bed. “What about your career?”

“I don’t know.” Tom shrugged. “Suddenly that doesn’t matter to me anymore. The last time I left you, all I could think about was making it big. Now all I think about is you.”

You didn’t answer and pulled a sweater over your head, rubbing your arms to assuage you from the chill.

“I messed up last time.” Tom continued. “I never should have left you. Or I should have at least taken you with me.”

“We could have figured something out.” You finally spoke. “I could have looked at schools in LA. You just didn’t give me any time to prepare. Why did you wait so long to tell me?”

“I was so scared that you wouldn’t want to come with me that I just kept putting it off until you couldn’t come anymore.” Tom admitted, tears coming to his eyes as he relived the break up.

“It felt like you were leaving me behind.” You relived it too. “I thought you were running away from me.”

“Darling, I would never run from you.” He promised as he came to your side and put his hands on your face. “Only towards or beside you.”

“You were right.” You pulled your bottom lip between your teeth as you touched his face. “The road not taken looks real good now.”

“We could make this more than a just a weekend.” He mumbled as his thumb grazed your bottom lip. “I’ll stay here or you could come back with me.”

You let your eyes flutter shut before he pulled you into a kiss, one different from the ones shared the night before. You felt your emotions bubble to the surface and pulled away to rest your forehead on his chest.

“Tom, it’s not realistic.” You sniffled. “It worked for the weekend but it wouldn’t work long term. You know that.”

“Just hear me out.” Tom protested as you pulled away.

“We didn’t work when we were kids. What makes you think we’d work now?”

“We’re different now.” He pleaded. “I’m different now.”

“So what, you think I’m just gonna upend my life to follow you? Or you’re just gonna give up yours to stay with me?” You asked. “Are you even thinking at all?”

“I think you’re the only soul who can tell which smiles I’m faking.” Tom said solemnly. “And I think I’m a damn fool if I let you slip away again.”

You sucked in a sharp breath and cradled yourself as you turned away from him, unable to look at him without caving to his request. Tom slowly came up behind you and rested a hand on your shoulder, gently moving the hair that had been resting there.

“I also think that if a part of you didn’t want this too, you would have left a long time ago.” He whispered, sending shivers down your spine.

“You didn’t want this, remember?” You asked bitterly as you whipped around. “You didn’t want the small town life and the picket fence. You wanted bright lights and Hollywood and that’s what you got. That’s what’s waiting for you in LA.”

“Whats waiting for me in LA are fake friends who hang on the edges of their seats to see if I make it or fail. I saw the bright lights and I don’t want it anymore.”

“Then what do you want?” You asked desperately.

“You.” He said simply. “And if you say no, I’ll know that this time, the only heart I’m breaking is my own.”

You chewed your bottom lip as you stared at him, your whole life looking back at you.

“So, what do you say?” He whispered, desperation heavy in his voice. You rested your hands on his chest and gave him a gentle nod, telling him everything he needed to know.

“You said it yourself.” You smiled softly. “Tis the damn season.”

Tag List 🏷

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[vegalocity]

I figured it was about time to crack the name research books back open and name Aunt Sis, and so now here we are

(yes i know Shanghai Disney didn't exist in the 90's shut up this is already an alternate earth just imagine Michael Eisner didn't make Euro Disney/Disneyland Paris first)

--

At first she hadn't thought anything of it

She was so happy to have her little brother back it hadn't even occurred to her that he'd just called her 'his sister' when introducing her to his... coworkers? Friends? brethren? people he was forced to work with but grew real fondness for after being stuck in the spirit realm together?

She was just happy her little brother was still around TO call her his older sister at first.

But then it started getting noticeable.

"Well my Sister would know more about woodworking-"

"Maybe you should ask your auntie first-"

"Hey Sis, can you pass me that-"

And if she hadn't seen her brother's lack of memory in action already it would be considered ridiculous to her, but- yeah... yeah her baby brother whom she loved dearly and practically raised herself, had forgotten her name. And was yet to retrieve it from the far reaches of his hole filled memory.

In retrospect, it made sense, not everything was going to be recalled at once, and he'd even yet to recover a few things about Minyi (she'd had to intercept a plate or two of cut up strawberries before her niece, head full of mysteries and puzzles stuffed one in her mouth without thinking and the next thing anyone knew she'd be digging through her purse for Minyi's epi pen) and she was approximately 90% sure he'd asked to continue to go by Syntax not as a reflection of how he'd fundamentally changed after... well... everything... and more because he simply hadn't recalled his own name yet.

So it made sense her own name was a little lower on the priority list.

All the same she knew he wanted to uncover what he'd lost on his own. The only person he'd accepted correcting from so far was Minyi but she could still see how frustrated he was with the idea that his six year old daughter had a more cohesive memory than him at the moment. When she'd told him something about that selfish bitch he called an Ex-Wife once in response to him puzzling over Minyi's baby pictures and the likely unfamiliar woman he'd seen within- he'd kind of lost his shit on her.

"I KNOW who the mother of my child is Sis! I MARRIED her didn't I?!" and she'd seen him tense up as he realized he didn't actually know if he'd married Minyi's mother or not. She'd made sure to call her a selfish bitch again to ensure he knew she didn't die or anything that would give him the wrong impression of the woman that abandoned him and his daughter.

He apologized later, citing that the whole 'Spider Demon' thing had really heightened his aggression and insisted again he was fine, he remembered enough about... that woman, (narrowly dodging calling her by name as well she noted) and didn't need a refresher. In fact he wished he could forget her entirely! he laughed awkwardly at the attempt at humor, and she patted his shoulder.

and then when Minyi got home she pulled her aside and asked her not to call her by name unless he asked her specifically. That her daddy was just feeling like if they up and told him some things that it would be taking the easy way out. And everyone knows how much this family is incapable of taking the easy way out.

So she kept her mouth shut. Told the other Spider Demons to not give any hints unless asked either, and they obliged calling her 'lady' and 'Ma'am' (with varying degrees of respect)

But she knew it was only a matter of time before it would really begin to wear him down. The question was would it end with a whimper or bang. And would it happen when it was just the two of them around or would they have an audience.

But eventually that day came, and luck was for once on this family's side, as Minyi had already started going back to school and the other Spider Demons were off... doing whatever they do in the mornings.

The photo album was old, cracked in the spine with the cover slightly torn in a corner, and she watched her little brother page through the pictures with a careful, critical eye. She sat on the arm of the sofa and leaned to the side just enough to peer over his shoulder and look back on the era when their parents still thought to take pictures of them.

"It feels like it's not even me." he muttered, and when she glanced down she could see the snarl starting to form on his face. "It's like, I look at that child and I KNOW it's me, There's no way that that's NOT me but-..." he growled and flipped the page. "Nothing. Not a single. fucking. Memory. This might as well be a different person entirely for all the connection I'm getting!"

They'd reached their last family trip before their father lost his job (Shanghai Disney, She was twelve he was five, the first picture was such a 'first theme park' picture of the two of them pointing dramatically at the castle; Their parents had wanted to do a nice picture but she'd wanted to mess around and once she'd made the idea of it fun he'd jumped right on the concept)

"Syntax-" it felt weird to call her brother by the name he'd been assigned before he remembered who he was, but no matter how weird it was, he'd asked her to. Her little brother was a bit sensitive right now. Well- more sensitive than usual.

But he flinched all the same when she did. "If you're still struggling with remembering things you know you can-"

"I remember enough about our parents to know I do NOT want to get them involved, Sis."

"That wasn't what I was gonna offer ya dingus." She gently thwapped him on the back of the head. "Learn to let people finish their sentences, who raised you?"

"You did." He snorted, but the uncertainty in his expression didn't fade.

"Damn right. And as your big sister who basically raised you, what I was GONNA say was: You know you can still ASK, right? I'm not gonna be mad. You KNOW Minyi loves telling stories, and I'm not opposed to spending the mornings reminiscing. I work nights anyway."

"Since when?"

"Since I started enforcing Bed Time so Minyi's asleep by the time I'm clocking in. I would go to bed right after I walk her to school I'll have you know." His daughter was such an easier topic. He remembered the most about Minyi, but at least that meant she wasn't totally forcing him away as her offer grated against that pride that he had in him long before he turned purple.

The next silence between them was comfortable. Her brother flipped the page to snort a laugh at the photo he found within. And she suppressed a giggle. The little snapshot within depicted the little boy his face in his balled up fists, crying, with his big sister sitting beside him and gently petting his hair while a Goofy character hovered over them worriedly. It was most certainly because of the dog that the little boy was crying.

"Yeah you were terrified of the mascot face characters."

"I can see that."

"Hit ya right in the ol' uncanny valley. We had to dodge the parades the whole trip. I was practically scouting ahead for all the character meets to make sure we had a way around the mascots. The people in costumes were fine though. You really enjoyed meeting Peter Pan."

"Really? I would have pegged my younger self as-"

"More of an Alice kid? yeah our parents did too. but you were like, suuuppeeerrr overwhelmed already at the point we'd found Alice, and you went totally shy." She reached over to flip to the next page and sure enough there the pair of siblings was again, the little boy now hiding his face in the young girl's backpack as an Alice character actor fluttered about infront of them.

"That must have been aggravating to put up with."

"Honestly? Even before all the crap with our parents went down I was used to it. It was always my job to take care of you."

"You might want to knock that off before I get used to it again."

"Nah." She threw an arm around Syntax's shoulders and curled it against his neck until the two were struggling on the couch, the photo album tossed aside and forgotten as her brother shouted in confusion and frustration.

But Spider Demon or not, he was no match for her superior prowess, and she had him in a headlock.

"And my name is Xiuying you dumbass." Her stupid brother stopped thrashing in her grasp, and grabbed her arms a little tighter.

[ratingtheframe]

So 2020 sucked... but the films didn’t! The top twenty films of 2020 (in my humble opinion).

AT LAST. This godforsaken year is over and as we venture into a new year, let's hope and pray that the art’s industry finds a way to build themselves back up again, in a way that is safe and necessary for them to bring us the entertainment we so crave. It has been a crazy and unprecedented year for the film industry, a year that it has never seen with losses of an estimated $5 Billion at the end of March. Some of the most anticipated blockbusters of all time had to be put on hold and postponed for hopefully next year with No Time to Die, A Quiet Place II, Wonder Woman 1984, Dune and Black Widow being a slim few that never got onto a silver screen this year. However, there is no reason to fret or relinquish the loss film has had this year, as hopefully next year once we’ve had a better understanding of this virus, these films along with many others will have their audience. Amongst the postponed releases, many films have been resilient to the virus and still managed to gain a spot in the cinema despite the circumstances. 

Christopher Nolan’s Tenet was the only multi-million dollar film to be released this year and even though the risk of release could have meant nothing for the film, it still managed to rake in a staggering $361 million, an expected profit for a film of its size. However, despite the film's success, Nolan made it clear that this shouldn’t be taken lightly and that the safety of film consumers comes before the profits themselves. 

Even though we will have to be more cautious in the cinema, films will return, once we have regulated safety measures in cinemas and film festivals to ensure that customers can feel comfortable. For now, HBO has planned to put many releases from Warner Bros. straight onto its streaming platform as well as in the cinema next year, in an attempt to prevent the spread of COVID whilst still being able show the films we’ve been craving. There’s no telling what next year will bring, what the Oscars will look like or if filming for the next Batman film will ever end, however it's clear to see that the film industry has shown resilience amongst this pandemic and will continue to do so in years to come, no matter the challenges.

Here are twenty of the films that made it to the cinema (or streaming platforms) this year, that proved the durability of the film industry during this time. 

20. Tenet directed by Christopher Nolan 

We can all agree that Chrisopher Nolan’s Tenet should be handed the award of Most Confusing Yet Entertaining Film of the Year, or ever made in fact. The sci-fi epic adventure that sees its lead (named “the protagonist) travel back in time and then forward in time and then back in time again (?)... yup, I didn’t get it either, but I’m not the only one seeing as Robert Pattinson who played alongside John David Washingston hadn’t a clue what was going on either. And he was in the film. However, despite the film's confusion, it doesn’t make it a bad or “lazy” film, for every aspect of this film from lighting, sound design, casting, direction, stunts WAS ON POINT and those elements are truly what sets this film apart. The story may have been perplexing but at least there was one. 

19. Nomadland directed by Chloé Zhao

It is such a shame that Nomadland may not get the audience it deserves due to the COVID-19 pandemic as it is a truly moving and rich film. The Nomads are a group of real Americans who’ve hit the road in various mobile homes after the Great Recession in 2008 caused millions to be homeless and redundant. Frances McDormand plays Fern, one of these Nomads and child of the road whilst the film follows her simple, yet melancholy journey across Western America.  Chloé Zhao has been tipped several times for an Oscar with Nomadland after winning the Golden Lion at this year’s Venice Film Festival. Let’s hope that if this goes onto the Academy Awards, Nomadland will find the audience it so craves. 

18. Uncut Gems directed by the Safdie Brothers 

YES, Uncut Gems came out THIS YEAR, which is an insane thought seeing as I saw the film in a packed cinema before it was released onto Netflix. The Safdie Brothers, Josh and Benny brought us Uncut Gems this year, a declining tale of a man’s test with fate and the many many second chances he gets at life, only to f*** all of them up. Adam Sandler plays Howard Ratner, a pawn shop owner and frequent gambler. This is Sandler’s best ever role and the multifaceted, gritty work of the Safdie Brothers (Heaven Knows What, Good Time) really brought something brilliant out of him. 

17. The Half of it directed by Alice Wu

The Half of It wins the Most Surprising Film of the Year. A highly credible film directed by Alice Wu, The Half of It is EVERYTHING we want and need in this world. In fact, it’s everything we kind of already have in this world, but hardly see on screen. Non white leads, queer non stereotyped relationships, unpredictable endings; The Half of It was an all rounder for me. Some may roll their eyes at the amount of diverse elements to the film and see it as a way of gaining brownie points, but why does that have to be a thing? Why can’t having active and authentic representation across all films just be normal rather than political? If anything, it should be encouraged. The story was brilliant (and made me cry) as it had so many layers to it as well as the characters.

16. 7500 directed by Patrick Vollrath

Definitely the wildcard of this list, 7500 is an Amazon Studios film starring Joseph Gordon Levitt. I’ll admit, my hopes weren’t high, but after taking the time to watch this film I was truly blown away. And who KNEW Joseph Gordon Levitt could be so deep and in tune with his emotions on screen. He plays a pilot whose plane gets hijacked mid flight. There. Enough said. I could hardly BREATHE throughout this film in apprehension of what was going to happen next.

15. Kajilionaire directed by Miranda July

2020 thus far has been the best year for female filmmakers. From Céline Sciamma’s Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Josephine Decker’s Shirley, Rose Glass’ Saint Maud and Miranda July’s Kajilionaire, a clear cut foundation has been carved effortlessly for female filmmakers this year. Miranda July’s Kajilionaire especially rocked my senses a little as I saw so much unfamiliarity yet beauty within this film. A simple storyline that follows Old Dolio (Evan Rachael Wood), a young woman trying to feel more connected with her parents. A certainly bittersweet tale that has this rose tinted like vibe to it that attaches itself to the visuals and music of the film, that make everything feel light and playful. This contrasts well with the story itself as being sad and melancholy, further proving the fact this film is more than face value. Face value films have never gotten us anywhere and its films that go beyond entertainment that truly last in the industry. 

14. Bombshell directed by Jay Roach 

Bombshell is a PERFECT title for this film; a film that left me angry, sad and questioning the immorality that is still prevalent in the mostly male dominant society we live in. Charlize Theron, Margot Robbie and Nicole Kidman (best trio ever) star as three news anchors on Fox news whose lives are brutally torn apart when the Head of Fox News, Roger Ailes is accused of sexual harassment on many different occasions by female members of the workplace. Despite the silence being now broken, these three women still face a whole load of other problems that come in speaking up against a powerful, white and rich male. Threats of permanent job losses, victim blaming and a weak image are the consequence of speaking up about sexual assault as a member of Fox news. The brand itself has an incredibly misogynistic view of women and continues to have an idealised image of how women should be on the news with those working at Fox actually admitting it brings in viewers. Women with tons of makeup and dresses shorter than is comfortable is Fox news and Bombshell went above and beyond exposing this scandal that truly shook American broadcasting forever. 

13. Borat Subsequent Movie Film directed by Jason Woliner 

Borat Subsequent Movie Film wins the award for Most Jaw Dropping Film of the Year, as its protagonist and creator Sacha Baron Cohen, went above and beyond to show us the true dark depths of America. Ballsy, outrageous, jaw dropping, scandalous; every bold word can be used to describe this film and the lengths it went to get right to the heart of American society. The ugly heart. By now you should be aware that the ex president’s attorney was shoved right into the firing line after he was taken into a hotel bedroom by a reporter who happened to be an actor. Rudi Gulliani was left red faced after Borat bursts into the hotel room proclaiming the young reporter is his daughter, with Gulliani still unaware the entire outrageous event had been caught on camera. And not just any camera. A MOVIE camera. A true triumph in free speech and comedy, Borat Subsequent Movie Film will live on forever as the most outlandish film there is.

12. Miss Juneteenth directed by Channing Godfrey-Peoples 

A real eye opener into current American society using a touching story between mother and daughter as a backdrop. Turquoise is a single mother struggling to get by and support her daughter Kai through the Miss Juneteenth pageant, held annually in Fort Worth, Texas. A real competition, the Miss Juneteenth pageant promises one lucky young woman of colour a full scholarship to a black historical college of their choosing. Turquoise desperately wants this for her daughter as it’ll give her the opportunities in life she never had. A truly moving and authentic film, this scored 100% on Rotten Tomatoes which is a highly impressive and deserving score.

11. The Trial of the Chicago Seven directed by Aaron Sorkin

Aaron Sorkin’s lyricism in words was again brought to us on screen this year with his depiction of the Chicago 7 (eight if you count Bobby Seale); seven men who were accused and put on trial for eliciting the Chicago riots of 1968. When in actuality, the police themselves had more to do with riling up the protestors than anyone else, even pushing a crowd of protestors through the front window of a restaurant to make it seem like they had vandalised the property. If anyone was going to make such a film, Sorkin would be the one to do it as with any event or idea he covers, Sorkin’s words as a writer MAKE YOU CARE. Even when you had no recollection or understanding of something, the way Sorkin depicts these events on screen has you absorbed into the story till the last second. An incredible and powerful story and a film that I could constantly go back to in order to learn about the injustices of American politics.  

10. The Devil All the Time directed by Antonio Campos 

I feel like The Devil All the Time still hasn’t got the recognition it deserves. There is something incredibly powerful and priceless about having a group of exceptionally talented people come together to create something for screen. This film wins Best Casting of the Year (if you don’t count Dune) as the likes of Tom Holland, Robert Pattinson, Eliza Scanlen, Sebastian Stan, Bill Skarsgård,  Mia Wasikowska, Harry Melling, Riley Keogh, Jason Clarke and Haley Bennett graced our screens in this dark and ominous tale. Any story that is set in a small town and is about stories interweaving is bound to be interesting and thought provoking in it’s telling, with this adaptation being no different. The star of the show was Robert Pattinson’s thick Tennessee accent along with his clean yet filthy character interpretation of a perverted priest. Not one line in this film was thrown away and every single moment held a weighty tension, further confirming to us each character’s downfall by the end. An amazing adaptation and something you will reeeeeally enjoy.

9. Soul directed by Pete Docter 

What was supposed to be Pixar’s second release of the year, Soul is Pixar’s most highly executed film to date. The amount of detail and care the animators and creators of Soul had taken to this picture is INSANE; insanely beautiful. With the black community going through so much this year, having something like Soul be put out to audiences shows support of this ever changing and growing movement. Even though having black representation on screen isn’t on the top of everyone’s priority list, it’s still important that the effort is there in order to really show what the world is like on screen and to cater to more audiences. Soul itself had everything; diverse, three dimensional characters, a clear and heart warming story and comedic, uplifting points that only strengthened the important message of this movie; life itself.

8. The Lighthouse directed by Robert Eggers 

Again, another film that came out right at the beginning of the year, Robert Egger’s The Lighthouse was a whole new world that we had never seen before. Shot on a Panavision Millennium XL2 using a lense from the 1930s and black and white film, The Lighthouse was a decrepit, eerie and brilliant movie to watch throughout. It just makes me satisfied as a viewer when a director not only creates a film, but creates one that is so beyond anything we’ve ever seen and could likely have been made in an entirely different era altogether. Robert Pattinson KILLED IT in his role as a surly drunken sailor alongside Willem Dafoe, whose Irish accent was enviable. Overall a highly executed film that exudes brilliance and a creative mind.

7. The Hater directed by Jan Komasa 

I would say The Hater is the second wildcard on this list. It’s a Polish drama that hasn’t had a lot of rep in the media, however, this doesn’t detract from the film’s execution and drama. A real downfall story that sees a jealous ridden man go from a media intern into illicting terrorism. Like, HELLO how does one go to such an extreme? The only way to find out would be watching the film...The film really spoke to the dangers of social media and the ease of getting someone to insight violence onto someone else, all through a computer. My mouth was hanging on the floor during several moments of this film and I can 100% guarantee the Netflix film will have the same affect on you.

6. La Belle Époque directed by Nicolas Bedos 

La Belle Époque (or “The Good Times”) wins the award for Most Heart Warming Film of the Year. A surprisingly unique concept that follows a man trying to relive the best moments of his past after his wife wishes to divorce him. A company that specialises in creating your past memories offers him the opportunity to go back to the time when he and his wife first met, using actors, set design and music to recreate the moment. The French film emits a strong sense of nostalgia throughout with brilliant music and set design. It’s just one of those films that heavily expresses the idea of “what if” within a film whilst answering it boldly through its unique story.

5. Ema directed by Pablo Larraín 

Ema took me a few days to fully absorb and appreciate as an experimental film, rather than one with a clear cut narrative. It's a film that expresses an idea, a feeling as opposed to a story which is completely okay and doable in this day and age. Ema is a liberating, freeing and psychedelic world of a film, with the message of the film being wrapped up in Ema’s attitude as a woman and the way she sets fires to things wherever she goes. Literally, as the opening sequence is of her setting alight a basketball hoop. There is some strong, vivid imagery within this and the MUSIC...definitely the best sound track I’ve heard this year. Ema’s in my top five for its uniqueness, rawness and the weird sense of liberation it gave me after watching it.

4. Saint Maud directed by Rose Glass

Probably the biggest breakthrough film of the year and despite the pandemic, Saint Maud certainly got the rep it deserved. An entirely new perspective of horror was brought to use in troves in the form of this Irish film created by first time director Rose Glass. I cannot express how brilliant and revolutionary Saint Maud was for its simplicity, story and filmmaking techniques. An ambitious and all round brilliant film that sits prettily in my top five films of the year.

3. Portrait of a Lady on Fire directed by Céline Sciamma

Portrait of a Lady on Fire wins the award for Best Foreign Language Film and it still hurts to think it never even made it to the Academy Awards this year. One of the most moving and earthy films that I’ve seen this year, Portrait of a Lady on Fire is a slow, sensual and ambiguous picture that shows a love story between two women through the form of art. I became quite obsessed with the music of Antonio Vivaldi after seeing this as the time period and music intertwined really well in this film. Exceptionally made and incredibly raw, Portrait of a Lady on Fire went straight for the heart in this film by also putting the grievances of love at the forefront of this film. 

2. Parasite directed by Bong Joon Ho 

You are probably extremely bored and tired of hearing of the success of Parasite as a breakthrough picture, however there are an abundance of reasons for it! Winner of Six Academy Awards including Best Picture, Parasite really pulled the rug beneath the Academy Awards feet and certainly proved that no matter your race, it's the story that sells and that will bank you an Academy Award. A wonderfully crafted story, one that could have been found in theatre or even opera and those sort of structured narratives are what really grab people’s attention. 

1. Another Round (Druk) directed by Thomas Vinterberg 

And finally, my favourite, Most Enjoyable Film of the Year had to be without a doubt, Thomas Vinterburg’s Druk, which I had the pleasure of seeing at the BFI London Film Festival this year. The theatre-like structure of a narrative has been implemented seamlessly into this film and even if structure means nothing to you, you can feel when a film has been crafted differently to bring about a dynamic and earthy narrative. I’ve previously watched two films of Vinterberg’s; Festen and The Hunt and even though those two films hold a high rating, Druk is definitely Vinterberg’s best film yet. Extremely entertaining whilst also carrying a rather dark side to it, Vinterberg sells you the best and worst of two worlds whilst exposing the effects of alcohol consumption. 

And that’s it! 2020 in films! If you agreed or disagreed with anything on this list or think something else should’ve made the list that came out this year, be sure to leave me a comment on this post or via instagram on @ratingtheframe. It’s crazy to think that this obsession of mine turns two years old next year and there are still so many amazing pictures to be seen! And as always, you will find each and every one of them right here on @ratingtheframe.tumblr.

Bring on 2021!

[fiore-rosewood9]

👄, 🌸, 🔥 for the hetalia asks!

Okay. All of this is personal opinion and is not meant to offend anyone. Please do not get upset, these are just my opinions. With that out of the way - here are my personal thoughts and what I think.

First emoji - Which nation do you think has the most fitting voice actor? Whose voice do you think doesn’t work? - So I don't like dubbed anime, most english translated animes tend to sound awkward to me, some do a good job, but in hetalia's case it sounds a bit off sometimes, so I will speak for the subbed/japanese version - I think Francis's seiyuu is really calming. I used to listen to the CD's when I had a panic attack, about the - Count sheeps one, where he brings you lavender and lures you to sleep. I kinda like England's seiyuu but wish his voice was more rough and he uses words like mate, wanker, similar to America's seiyuu who says the word - hero. I love prussia's raspy voice. I get that Canada is a shy soft boy, but I don't like his voice actor. I kinda think Hungary's voice actor does not fit her. I think the guy who voices prussia should not voice greece and estonia too, it kinda sounds like he is using a soft hushed whispery voice for prussia with them to me. I think Switzerland's voice actor should be a guy, if I remember correctly it was a woman. I don't mind women voicing men and vice versa, but I think it is more suitable for characters like Chibitalia, which is voiced by a woman.

Second emoji - top 3 favourite characters - Bulgaria, Seychelles, Prussia. I used to have Prussia's song Mein gott as a ringtone.

Third emoji - Are there any popular/widely accepted headcanons you don’t like? - Yes. Heavy nsfw under the cut. If this disturbs you, the reader, please refrain from reading. Historical/sexual mentions in this post will be used, as well as mentions of the mbti/psychology stuff. This is also a long post since it is a rant, feel free to skip in case you are lazy.

Yes. People assuming that England is a uke. Just give me one solid reason that he is? Neither psychologically, mbti wise, historically or manga wise is he an uke. He is a tsundere. That means rough on the outside, soft on the inside with the right people. I hate how for many reasons, in fan art and even in p*rn if you check it out....he has these weird...anorexic tween girl proportions. On a thin person's body you can see some ribs and England is sometimes drawn as such, but on many fan art he has chibi like, weird almost anorexic body, which confuses me, because it is not possible for 23 year old man to have such body, unless he has some genetical defects + an eating disorder, how tall is he again 175 cm (5' 9") if I remember correctly, so BMI and height are connected, for this height, it is not possible to has the body he has in doujinshis and some fan arts.

APH england is a thin man, he is no longer an empire with power, but he is neither anorexic, nor a tween and doesn't have female hips. Arthur is stubborn bitter alcoholic sarcastic old man who can't cook and is rough but tries his best to be a ''gentleman''. He grieves over his past glory days, when he used to actually hold any power over the world, but even though he is weaker now, he is still strong and tough and has influence. I mean, almost the whole world is speaking english, if that ain't an achievement, I don't know what is. England was never a uke/bottom, and when I ask for people's POV on why they think he is a bottom, I always receive insults and threats and am told to go away. I would wish for people to stop fetishizing/degrading him, when he is clearly proud, stubborn, a bit mean old bitter man who just wants someone to talk to him, love him and appreciate him, because his collegues clearly do not respect him or care much and harshly tease him a lot. I am quite aware of the position he is in, because I know what it is like to have people disrespect you, talk over you or make fun of you. He misses his colonies and still thinks like an empire, actually every ex empire thinks like one, they don't like politics, they like war and destruction and conquering.

America isn't a top. He is a proud bottom, and he feels damn sexy when someone rides him and compliments on how good he is doing. He can be described as a switch, but to me, I see him leaning more towards bottom. America is a really confident and enthusiastic man, he is strong and prideful as well as greedy, but it gets tiring to have all the control and power all the time, have no responsiblities can be relaxing from time to time.

France doesn't hate England for killing Jeanne d'arc as much as people assume. She was his first, innocent type of love and while it is a tragedy he managed to get over it. He took revenge by taking America from him and helping him rebel against England, who is neglectful. People manage to through war, trauma and many horrible things and still survive, despite the pain, it isn't logical for a soft gentle person like france to hold a grudge all of his life, even now.

Also around 2011-2013 some people made memes and joked about francis being a r*pist. I think some people don't understand that some people just have high libido and can't do anything about it. It doesn't make them a bad person. I miss on social cues and rules and the only jokes I understand are  the sexual ones, it is literally the only humour I laugh at. So in this way, he is relateable, despite being inappropriate and vulgar, I just love the shock factor the jokes have. R*pe is not a joke, and he isn't a r*pist. He deserves love, like every hetalia character and like each one of you people. We all just want love at the end of the day, someone to listen to us, and hug us.

Prussia isn't dying. He just represents east germany. He isn't a human.

I really hate how south korea is portrayed as someone who gropes people's butts. It is just as weird as Belarus's wish to marry her brother. This is not much of a headcanon, I just find it disturbing.

North Italy/Canada/England aren't innocent uwu boys who have never cursed or don't know what sex is and refuse to watch porn.

There is nothing cute or cool about the nazi uniforms or parts of prussia and germany. They regret everything they did. But from what I see, a big part of the fandom made it out to be ''sexy'' in the past. There is some fan of it too.

The revolutionary war broke england but it isn't that big of a deal as fans make it out to be. Same with Jeanne d'arc. England was really disliked, almost hated and attacked by his fellow nations. The child he found, America, was the first person to not openly hate him in ages. England took care of him, but england is pretty neglectful him self, he leaves america alone a lot, yet exploitates him. So it is only logical for America to ask France and Prussia to the resque. Even though France becomes broke. But the same can be said about france. France is neglectful towards canada, who nurses back to health England, who is pretty deep into his depression after America leaves. All England could say is - America, America, America, because he can't handle the loss of his favourite colony. Of course this would hurt canada, who was abandoned in favour of his brother and his other father doesn't care about him either. To this day England sometimes still mistakes Canada for America, the only people who never do that seem to be France, Seychelles and America. Probably Japan, Netherlands, Austria and Prussia too. But england is pretty much over it, it is not his whole life and it is not the end of the world. This is why Sealand is taken care of by Finland and Sweden, England makes a lot of basic mistakes as a father.

Russia isn't an emotionless monster. I think due to his life and history, he is what you may call - Emotionally immature. He has childish cruelty and is a bit forceful as well as childish, which is not completely normal for someone his age. However, abuse stuns growth, so it is quite explainable why some nations are more mature and some are more childish. Abuse can also have the other effect, make someone extremely mature for their age, I think this is Latvia's case. He is trying to make friends but his approach is just simply bad. He has a weird energy/vibe and it shows. He goes into people's personal space and wants them to become one with mother russia. This would creep anyone. I think France and China aren't afraid of him, simply because they're too used to his gimmics and he can't surprise them. Russia's tactics become predicatable after a while.

[flowercrown-bard]

This is the secret santa gift for @yarpfish. thanks @thewitchersecretsanta for organizing this.

content warning: Christmas. I get that for those who don’t celebrate Christmas, it can be annoying to have the holiday shoved in their faces.

summary: Geralt really doesn’t want to play Santa for the primary school, unlike Jaskier, who may or may not be a bit angry that this handsom stranger got the part. And if they have to meet again to discuss Geralt’s audacity, well neither of them is going to complain.

Read on AO3

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Geralt stared at the text he had just gotten from his ex. Somewhere behind him, Lambert snorted und suddenly things made much more sense. Not complete sense, but at least he now knew whom to blame.

Geralt glared at Lambert. “Care to explain why Yen just send me a text saying Get the costume ready?” The days when he had worn costumes for Yennefer were long past.

“That, dear brother, means that you are going to be Santa. At the primary school.” Lambert barely managed to get the words out before his own laughter cut him short. “Oh you are going to look great! You already have the white hair. Now all you need it – “

“I need fuck all,” Geralt growled. “I am not going to play Santa.”

--

Yennefer looked up at Geralt from where she was sitting at her desk with not a hint of surprise, but abundance of smug amusement.

Geralt had all but stormed into her office past the young man who had just left it, looking crestfallen. Geralt didn’t care. He didn’t have time to think about some young father who had seen the principal of the primary school to complain about his child’s bad grades or whatever it was the man had been doing. Geralt had far more important things to care about. Like telling Yennefer that he was absolutely not going to dress up as Santa Clause and give gifts and sweets to the students.

“And why not?” Yennefer asked, one eyebrow lifted and her lips in a smirk.

Geralt huffed. “Are you serious, Yen? The real question is, why the hell would anyone think it would be a good idea to have me dress up and make an idiot of myself.”

“Lambert made some really good arguments.”

“Like?”

“Like it would be hilarious.” She ignored Geralt’s growl, suddenly turning serious. “And it would make Ciri happy.”

Geralt deflated. Fuck. Of course, Yen had to pull out the big guns and talk about Ciri. Christmas had always been her favourite time of the year and ever since she had found out that there would be a Santa coming to the school before the holidays, she had been adorably exited.

Geralt sighed.

“I really don’t want to do this.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “But fine. I’ll think about it.”

“You better do. If you decide to chicken out, I will have to accept the only other guy who volunteered-“

“I didn’t volunteer. Lambert dragged me into this mess.”

“- and he is an overexcited idiot. I’d rather dress up myself than have him in my office again.”

Geralt sighed and left the principal’s office. He had barely closed the doors behind him, when a shout made him turn around.

“YOU!” Geralt furrowed his eyes at the man stomping over to him, one hand on his hip, the other pointing at him, as if accusing him of a heinous crime. “How dare you!”

“Do I know you?” Geralt asked, suddenly unsure.

“I am Jaskier. And you, Sir, are the reason why all my hopes and dreams are crushed.”

Geralt blinked at him, dumbfounded. “I think you have me confused with someone else.” Looking more closely, he kind of looked like the man he had just brushed aside to enter the office. That had been rude, sure, but it didn’t classify as ruining someone’s dreams.

“Oh do I?” Jaskier came even closer, blue eyes flashing dangerously. “Then you aren’t the one that principal Vengerberg just told me about when she said they already had a better candidate for the –“ he looked around, scanning the halls for any passing students, before he whispered “ for the Santa actor.”

Geralt’s eyebrows shot up. That was what this is about? That man had jabbed a finger at a stranger’s chest because he didn’t get to dress up as Santa? Slowly but surely, Geralt started to understand what Yennefer had meant when she had said that the other volunteer was overexcited. He certainly was passionate, judging from the way his eyes were blazing and his chest was heaving. But Geralt wouldn’t exactly call him an idiot for it. His passion for dressing up as an old man with a beard was certainly strange. It was amusing. But for some reason it was also oddly charming. Especially because Jaskier seemed to do his best not to appear charming. If anything, it looked like he wanted to intimidated him. Geralt’s lips quirked up.

“Oh, don’t go smiling like that.” Jaskier said, angrily brushing his brown fringe out of his eyes. “I am clearly the better choice here. I mean look at you…”

He trailed off, taking his time to follow his own advice. Geralt felt strangely insecure under his scrutiny. Still, he felt disappointed for some reason when Jaskier looked back up again.

“Well, I mean… you…” Jaskier stumbled over his words. His tongue darted over his lips and Geralt had to force himself not to let his eyes linger.

Jaskier’s stuttering was interrupted by the sound of children running through the halls. Immediately, Jaskier shut up and Geralt found himself almost missing the sound of him searching for the right words.

Once the kids were gone, Jaskier relaxed slightly. He sighed, but his eyes were still narrowed at Geralt.

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this with children around. Wouldn’t want to ruin any dreams of Santa.”

Geralt hummed in agreement. “So, should we go somewhere else?”

Jaskier looked away. “Oh, like, you mean right now?” He started to fidget. “I don’t really have much time.” He let out a tiny laugh. “To be honest, I thought I could just berate you a bit and you would relent.”

Geralt’s half smile turned into a full on smirk. “That’s the Christmas spirit.”

That laugh escaped Jaskier again, louder and more sincere this time and something in Geralt’s chest started to glow. He wished he could hear that sound again. “Of course,” Jaskier said. “You have to get past the masses in the stores somehow. It’s fight or go home without having bought presents for your loved ones.” He stopped himself and knitted his brows, as if he was berating himself for saying that. Geralt supposed it was a bit strange talking like this with someone he had just yelled at. But he found himself wanting to hear more about Jaskier’s fight to buy presents. Or about anything really.

He hesitated. “Maybe we could meet some other time?” His smirk widened. “So you can yell at me for crushing your dreams some more?”

Jaskier rubbed the back of his neck, lowering his eyes. “Ah, yes, sorry about that. I guess I was just really disappointed. Still am, to be honest.” For a moment, his smile faltered, before it came back full force. “But sure, let’s discuss this later. I promise I won’t yell at you then.” He thought for a second. “How does Saturday sound? At 5 pm? That’s when the Christmas market will begin and I’ve been waiting to go for months.”

Geralt nodded and tried his best not to let the warmth spread through him at the thought that Jaskier – who was still practically a stranger, as he would do well to remember – wanted to spend time with him at a place he was excited about.

“Great!” Jaskier beamed at him. He looked like he was ready to leave, when he halted. “I forgot to ask your name.” His smile turned mischievous and he winked at Geralt, as if he wasn’t already flustered enough. “I think I should know the name of the man who is crushing my dreams, don’t you?”

Geralt could just tell Jaskier the truth. That he didn’t even really want to play Santa. That Jaskier could have that honour all to himself. He could just turn around, go back into Yen’s office and announce that he had made his decision. And yet… that would mean that this would be the end of his short acquaintance with Jaskier.

“Geralt.”

“Well then, Geralt. See you on Saturday.”

--

Geralt was late. He cursed himself for not thinking about the traffic. Of course everyone would rush to get to the opening of the Christmas market.

He weaved his way through the crowd, doing his best to spot a mop of brown hair or catch a glimpse of blue eyes. It was practically impossible. He was searching for ten minutes already. This was useless, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn around and leave.

He was just about to give up, when a shout reached his ears.

“Geralt!”

He whirled around, embarrassingly quickly. And there he stood. Squeezed between couples and exasperated parents running after their kids was Jaskier. He was beaming at Geralt, making his heart skip a beat.

Geralt should probably go towards him, but he was frozen to the spot. He could only watch, as Jaskier scrambled through the crowd until he was finally standing before him. His cheeks were red from the cold, he wore a cosy looking scarf and a beanie that hid almost all of his hair.

“So that’s why I couldn’t find you.” The words slipped out of Geralt’s mouth before he could think about how stupid they sounded. When Jaskier cocked his head to the side with a questioning look, Geralt could feel the heat rise into his cheeks. Gesturing vaguely towards Jaskier’s head he added: “The beanie. I was looking for your hair.”

Jaskier laughed, loudly and unashamed, but it didn’t sound like he was laughing at Geralt.

“And here I was thinking you wouldn’t show. Not that I could have blamed you,” he said with a sheepish grin. “I guess I didn’t make the best first impression.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that.” Geralt hesitated. “You were…memorable.”

Geralt should probably just keep his mouth shut. All that left it was dumb. But the way Jaskier’s eyes lit up made it worth it.

“You’re pretty memorable too. Anyway – “Jaskier shoved something at him. More out of surprise than anything, Geralt took the mug. “I’m glad you showed up, or I would have been forced to drink two mugs of mulled wine. Oh, what a tragedy that would have been!” A moment later, he left the overdramatic tone behind and became sincere again. “But really, I’m glad you came.”

Jaskier lifted his mug to his lips and took a swig. Geralt could have sworn, he was trying to hide an embarrassed expression by doing so, but then his breath hitched when Jaskier’s tongue darted out to catch a droplet that clung to his lips and all other thoughts left him.

Someone shoved Jaskier from behind and he almost toppled over. Without thinking, Geralt stepped forward and caught him by the arm.

“Oh.” Jaskier lifted his head, looking up at Geralt in surprise. For a brief moment they just held each other’s gazes, before Jaskier cleared his throat. “Ah, thank you.”

He moved back and Geralt reluctantly let go of him.

“We should probably start moving. I don’t think people appreciate us blocking the way.”

“Good call.”

Jaskier all but dragged him to the nearest stall. Geralt didn’t pay attention to the wares. He was too distracted looking at Jaskier, the excitement evident in his eyes.

“What do you think, Geralt? It’s cute, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. Cute.” Geralt shook his head, forcing himself to look at the key chain Jaskier was holding. It was a tiny white cuddly toy wolf.

“It’s you.”

Geralt’s brows shot up.

A blush rose in Jaskier’s cheeks. Or maybe that was just the alcohol mixing with the cold.

“Ah, you know… because of the white hair – I don’t mean that in an offensive way, it looks really good, actually. And I don’t know if you notice, but you see, you keep growling and I just kind of… you know what, forget I said anything.” He put the key chain back.

Something about the way Jaskier’s eyes were downcast and his brows furrowed didn’t sit right with Geralt. Maybe it was the alcohol talking or maybe it was just to see Jaskier smile, but Geralt plastered what he hoped was a teasing grin across his face.

“Do you think I’m cute too?”

Jaskier just stared at him for a second, the red in his face now unmistakably a flush. Shit, Geralt should not have said that. He was just about to play it off as a joke, when Jaskier sent him a mischievous wink. And didn’t say anything.

What the hell was that supposed to mean? You couldn’t just wink at someone and then not say anything! Maybe it hadn’t even been a wink. Maybe he had just blinked. With one eye. Surely, that’s something people did occasionally.

Before Geralt had come to a conclusion, Jaskier had already moved on to the next stall. Geralt stayed close behind him, telling himself that it was only so he wouldn’t lose Jaskier in the crowd. If their hands brushed together, then that was purely coincidentally.

Geralt couldn’t help the tiny smile, when Jaskier bought a Santa hat and put it on instead of his beanie. He spread his arms – as much as he could in the tiny space he had – and twirled around.

“How do I look?” He asked with a grin.

Geralt’s mouth went dry. Beautiful. Jaskier’s boyish smile made his heart race in his chest and the soft light from the Christmas decorations made Jaskier’s skin glow.

But then it hit him like a train, the reason why they were here. It wasn’t because Jaskier liked him, as much as it felt like they were friends. “You look like it was your dream to wear a Santa costume, for whatever reason.”

Jaskier’s smile fell a little and Geralt mentally cursed himself. He couldn’t have just let Jaskier enjoy himself. He just had to bring up the reason why they were here. He held his breath, hoping that Jaskier wouldn’t take the obvious hint and explain himself. Once this talk was over, there would be no more reason for them to spend time together.

“Ah, this is a rather fitting moment to talk about that, isn’t it?” He hesitated for a moment, before taking another sip of his drink. “Can we maybe keep walking while we talk? I don’t really like standing and facing you while I tell you my sob story. It’s kind of awkward.”

Geralt scowled, but did as Jaskier asked. “Is it a sob story? You don’t have to tell me, if it’s uncomfortable for you.” Just his luck to bring up something that took Jaskier’s joy away from something he had been looking forward to.

“Oh, no, don’t worry.” Jaskier let out a tiny laugh. “It’s not that bad. Honestly, I don’t know why I make such a big deal out of it. My parents… they weren’t exactly the loving kind. It’s fine that we didn’t celebrate Christmas, I know a lot of people don’t and that’s cool. But as a child for me, it was kind of hard to see how the other kids would get presents and go to the markets and all that. And they got to believe in Santa.” He huffed. “My parents obviously never told me about Santa and I still feel like I missed out on a huge part of that childhood experience. Except for when the guy dressed up as Santa came to our school and gave us chocolates and whatnot. I knew Santa wasn’t real, but for this one day, I felt like I was allowed to be a child.” He looked down, clutching his mug with both hands, as if it was protecting him from something. “I still don’t celebrate Christmas. I would love to. But all of my friends are visiting their parents over the holidays and heaven knows I’d rather spend time on a Christmas market with a stranger I yelled at, than going back home.” He cracked a small smile and suddenly he looked so unbearably vulnerable.  “So, thanks for being that stranger saving me from spending this time alone. I know it sounds silly, but I want to be that person for someone else. I want to be that stranger that makes others happy, even if only for a few minutes, even if it is just by me dressing up as Santa for some kids who need it.”

He avoided Geralt’s eyes and something dropped in his stomach.

“It doesn’t sound silly.” There was so much more he wanted to say, but it all sounded too personal, so he hoped that that was enough.

Jaskier glanced at him and quirked a smile. “Thanks.”

Geralt didn’t know what else to say, so they just continued walking in silence. Well, almost in silence. It took him a while to realise, but as the tension left Jaskier’s shoulders, he started humming. Geralt vaguely recognised the Christmas carols, but he was too fixated on his voice. It sounded nice. Beautiful actually, even though it was little more than a faint melody almost drowned out in the shouting of the masses around them. He wanted to say something, compliment his voice, ask him to sing louder, but there was a tiny fear holding him back. Maybe Jaskier didn’t even realise he was singing. Maybe it was just something he did when he was comfortable and happy – god, Geralt hoped that Jaskier was happy around him – and calling attention to his humming might make him stop. So he just contented himself to listening to the humming, only interrupted whenever Jaskier took a sip of his mulled wine.

“Ah, bollocks,” Jaskier said quietly.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing just – “ Jaskier shrugged sheepishly. “I probably shouldn’t have finished the wine that quickly. The mug was the only thing keeping my hands warm.”

An unbidden urge overcame Geralt, to reach out and hold Jaskier’s hands, warming them with his own. He fought the urge down. It was stupid. Jaskier wouldn’t want that.

Instead Geralt grunted “Stay here.”

He didn’t wait for Jaskier’s response before going back a few stalls. When he came back, Jaskier was giving him a confused look, which changed completely when Geralt thrust out what he was holding in his hands. The smile that split Jaskier’s face was enough to warm Geralt against the cold winter air.

“Geralt, you didn’t!” There was something strange in his voice, something Geralt couldn’t quite name. He hoped it was something good.

“Just take them. I can’t have you freeze your fingers off.”

“I really can’t – “

“Call it a premature Christmas gift.”

Hesitating, Jaskier put on the gloves that had yellow flowers embroidered. For a moment Jaskier just looked at them, his eyes shining.

“You really are trying to convince me that you would be the better Santa, aren’t you?”

“I… that’s not…” Geralt stuttered, his heart clenching uncomfortably.

Jaskier laughed and shoved his arm playfully. Geralt’s heart skipped a beat, when Jaskier didn’t pull away, but let his hand linger on Geralt’s arm.

“I’m just joking.” He tilted his head. “But I am rather intrigued as to why you would want to play Santa for a primary school.”

Geralt grumbled, suddenly unsure what to say. He had known it would come to this eventually, but after what Jaskier had just told him, he felt bad admitting that it wasn’t really his own idea to do this.

“Come on.” Jaskier tugged at his arm.

Geralt growled.

“Oh hoho, my white wolf, you are not getting away with growling at me like this. I told you my story, now you tell me yours.”

Geralt froze. He didn’t know what to focus on here. The fact that Jaskier obviously wouldn’t relent? The way that Jaskier already had a Santa laugh, and an adorable one at that? Or the fact that Jaskier had just called him a white wolf. His white wolf. While his head was still processing all of that, his heart had already decided to latch onto that last detail, replaying the words over and over in his mind.

He made the mistake of looking at Jaskier. His blue eyes looked so curious, so honestly interested in what he had to say.

“It was my brother Lambert’s idea.” For a brief moment he contemplated leaving it at that, but then he remembered Yennefer’s words. “But really, I am doing it for my daughter. She has a difficult time in school and Yennefer – “ Did he imagine the sudden closed off lock in Jaskier’s eyes? “- my ex-wife, says that it would make her happy.” His voice grew softer. “And I think so too. I love Ciri and I know she loves me too, but sometimes I just have a hard time bonding with her. I don’t know what a girl her age likes to do. She likes when I take her to see my horse and she enjoys play fighting with me, but apart from that. I just don’t know if I am enough for her. I never planned on being a single dad. And Yennefer is right. Ciri loves Christmas.” He smiled weakly. “I think she might be the only person I know whose enthusiasm rivals yours.”

When he risked a side glance, he noticed how strangely quiet Jaskier was.

Fuck. He shouldn’t have said that. Just because Jaskier had told him of his parents didn’t mean he had to go and tell him about his worries about his own family.

He felt Jaskier’s hand slip from his arm and his heart sank. Of course he would fuck this up. He couldn’t just let Jaskier have a nice evening at the Christmas market.

But then Jaskier’s hand found his and squeezed carefully.

“I think you’re doing a great job. I’m sure you are a great dad. Look at you, talking about your little girl like she is the most precious thing in the world.”

“She is.”

“And I’m sure she knows you love her. Making children happy. That’s what all this is about, isn’t it?” Jaskier bit his lip. “I’m sure you’ll be a great Santa.” Something in his tone changed, took on a cheery note that didn’t sound quite right. “I mean look at you. You’re definitely going to be less exhausted from carrying the bag of presents than I would be, what with all your muscles.”

He poked Geralt’s arm with the hand still holding the empty mug, giving him a lopsided grin, that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Still, he sounded sincere when he said “It’s alright, Geralt. I can do it next year. You go make your daughter happy, will you?”

Jaskier hesitated for a heartbeat. Then he brushed his lips against Geralt’s cheek, quickly, a barely- there touch that set Geralt’s skin aflame, before slipping his hand free from Geralt’s and disappearing into the crowd.

--

“Yen, please.”

For the first time since Geralt had stomped into her office fifteen minutes ago, she looked at him. Really looked at him.

Geralt knew he was treading on thin ice. He knew that it was almost impossible to change Yennefer’s mind, especially if it was about a man she had no patience left for. But this was important. To Jaskier. Which meant it was also important to Geralt, for whichever reason.

He held his breath as he watched Yennefer contemplate what he had proposed. Something changed in her expression and a smirk stole onto her lips.

With a sigh, she finally nodded.

--

The beard was itching and Geralt was sweating under the Santa costume. He knew he looked ridiculous. When Lambert had seen him put on the costume, he had been unable to stop laughing – which was a blessing, since his laughing fits were the only thing keeping him from getting a good picture of Geralt in this ridiculous get up.

But it was good enough for the children. As Geralt asked them if they had been good kids this year, Ciri smiled at him. And when he turned and asked his elf-assistant to hand out the sweets, Jaskier’s whole face lit up. And somehow, returning the children’s smiles and relaxing came easy for him, when he knew he just had to look to the side to see that smile.

When Geralt stepped back and let Jaskier – wearing elf ears and ridiculously colourful tights and still somehow looking like the prettiest person Geralt had ever seen – sing carols with the children, his heart melted.

If anyone had told Geralt that he would long for time to slow down, while he was wearing this ridiculous costume, he would have laughed. But now the clocks all seemed to tick faster than normal, too fast, and before he knew it, his bag was empty and he was standing next to Jaskier just outside the school’s line of sight.

For a while they just stood there awkwardly, neither of them knowing what to say.

Finally, Jaskier broke the silence.

“Thank you, Geralt.” He sounded almost hesitant, but his voice is thick with emotion. “Really. I didn’t think Vengerberg would let me be a part of this and after what you had said at the market, I was so ready to just step back but then…” He looked down and Geralt’s heart dropped when he heard Jaskier sniffle and do his best to inconspicuously wipe away a stray tear. “then I got that call from her and I just… I can’t thank you enough.”

Geralt shifted uncomfortably. “It’s nothing.”

Jaskier looked back up, his brows knitted together and a disbelieving smile on his lips. “Nothing? Geralt it’s everything! You made sure that I finally got to do what I had wanted to do since I was a kid!”

“You didn’t get to play Santa.”

“No,” Jaskier said. “But that’s not what it’s about. It’s about making others happy. And damn it, Geralt, you just keep making me so incredibly happy. Doing this with you was so much better than being Santa on my own.”

Geralt didn’t know what to say, so instead he just hummed and hoped it would be enough, that Jaskier would understand what he wasn’t able to put into words.

“Can I… this is going to sound stupid and you can absolutely say no, but-“ Jaskier wet his lips with his tongue, looking nervous suddenly. “Can I hug you?”

Geralt’s heart sped up. His mouth went dry. His mind had no say, as he opened his arms.

Jaskier lit up like a beacon, before rushing to embrace Geralt. He wrapped his arms around him, holding him close.

Geralt wasn’t sure if he actually heard the muffled “Thank you” against his chest. His heart was beating far too loud and the only thing he could focus on was the feeling of Jaskier in his arms. It felt right somehow. He never wanted this hug to end.

His breath hitched when Jaskier snuggled even closer and –

“Oh gods, this is terrible.” Jaskier coughed, mixed in with laughter.

Geralt’s heart plummeted, when Jaskier drew back, still coughing.

“Are you alright?” It wasn’t what he wanted to ask, but it was better than Was being close to me that bad? Did I overstep by hugging you back? Did I fuck up again?

Jaskier let out another laugh, which was cut short by a cough.

“Sure, I just –“ He lifted his hand, pulling something from his mouth. “I may or may not have breathed in your beard. As adorable as it looks, it doesn’t taste very good. God, there is so much hair in my mouth.”

He spluttered, and scrunched his nose up in what Geralt could only describe as adorable. No man had the right to look that beautiful while wearing elf-ears and coughing up hair.

“I should take it off,” Geralt said, lifting his hands to finally take the itching thing off.

“No wait!” He was stopped by Jaskier’s hand on his. “I need to take a picture of us! I want to have something to remember this by.”

Geralt didn’t fight when Jaskier pulled out his phone. He even smiled – really smiled – when he saw himself next to Jaskier on the screen. They both looked stupid in their costumes and Geralt wouldn’t have it any other way.

Jaskier put the phone away and the uncomfortable silence came back.  

This was it. Every moment now Jaskier would turn around and leave and this would be the end of their short acquaintance.

Geralt should say something. Everything in him screamed to say something, anything, to make Jaskier stay a little longer. This was the perfect opportunity. He could give Jaskier his number under the pretence of being send the picture.

But the moment passed. Jaskier gave him a half-smile. He waved as he turned around and left Geralt standing in a Santa costume on his own. He had missed his chance.

--

Christmas eve was always wonderful for Geralt. It was true, his small family was chaotic and he and Lambert would bicker about anything, while Ciri and Eskel laughed at them and Vesemir grumbled something while shaking his head fondly. The Christmas tree might have the strangest decoration, due to all of them having vastly different tastes – Lambert insisted on the tackiest decoration, just for shits and giggles – and the food wasn’t very festive. Geralt wouldn’t have it any other way. It was family. It was home.

The ringing of the bell ripped Geralt out of his thoughts.

“I’ll go,” Ciri piped up and left the room to open the door.

A minute or so passed, before Geralt heard her shout from the entrance.

“Dad, can you come, please?” A pause and then added with a giggle, “It’s Santa.”

It wasn’t unusual. Around Christmastime there would always be a few people dressing up and visiting houses. Most of them expected money in return for singing some carols.

Geralt was already fishing for some cash from his wallet, as he walked up to the front door, without looking up at the Santa standing there.

As soon as he got there, Ciri dashed past him, back to the others.

“Hello, Geralt.”

His head snapped up. It couldn’t be. But there he was, leaning against the doorframe with a lopsided smile on his face and wearing the Santa hat he had bought at the Christmas market. Where the hat didn’t cover him, a few stray snowflakes covered his hair.

Jaskier was the last person he had expected to show up on his doorstep today – or ever. The small part of him that wasn’t occupied with how radiating Jaskier looked, had a hard time comprehending that he was really here.

And so the first thing he said to the most beautiful man he thought he’d never see again was as smooth as sandpaper.

“How the fuck did you find my house?”

Geralt winced as soon as the words had left him. That was the stupidest thing he could have said. The last thing he had wanted to do was make Jaskier feel like he wasn’t welcome.

But Jaskier snorted. “I asked Yennefer. It was terrifying.” With a cheeky wink he added, “but absolutely worth it, if only for the warm welcome I received from you.”

“I… ah. Fuck.” Jaskier’s smile widened as he watched Geralt stumble over what to say. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too.” Jaskier hesitated for a second, his hands rubbing together nervously. Something warm and fuzzy swelled in Geralt’s chest.

“You’re wearing the gloves,” he said without thinking, unable to keep the fondness out of his voice. “The ones I bought you.”

Jaskier startled. “Oh, yeah. Of course! They are my favourite; they are just so soft. Do you want to feel?”

Geralt nodded automatically. He would agree to anything, if it meant Jaskier would stay here a little longer, before realising that he had absolutely no good reason to be here and left. Geralt expected Jaskier to pull off one glove and hand it to Geralt. Instead, Jaskier took a step closer to him and reached for his cheek. Geralt didn’t dare breathe, as Jaskier caressed him. Despite the cloth preventing their skin from touching, it felt like Geralt was on fire where they touched. He prayed Jaskier didn’t notice him leaning into the touch.

It was over far too quickly.

“Well?”

Geralt swallowed. “It felt nice. The glove, I mean. It’s… it’s nice.”

“Yeah…” Jaskier cleared his throat. “In fact it’s so nice that I figured I should give you something in return.”

Geralt drew back. “You don’t – Jaskier, I didn’t give them to you because I wanted anything in return. You were just cold and I thought…. I won’t take your money.”

Jaskier rolled his eyes. “Good thing I don’t want to give you money then.” He reached inside the pocket of his jacket and brought forth a small present, holding it out for Geralt. “Merry Christmas.”

Geralt barely registered the uncertain look on his face. His heart was too preoccupied pounding in his chest.

“It’s not much. And the packaging sucks, because I still have no idea how to wrap gifts. But I thought maybe you’d like it. As a reminder of when you didn’t crush my dreams.”

Geralt huffed out a laugh when he peeled off the wrapping paper with Hohoho written over it. It should have been festive, but it only made Geralt think of Jaskier’s laugh.

The last of the paper fell away and Geralt held two key chains in his hand.

Jaskier rubbed his fingers together. “I told you it’s not much. I know it’s not the greatest gift.”

“A horse?” he asked without thinking.

“You mentioned that you took your daughter to see your horse sometimes. So… I assumed you like horses.” He pulled a face. “Sorry, that sounded weird.”

“I mentioned Roach once. In passing. And you remembered?”

Jaskier rolled his eyes, a timid smile appearing on his face. “Of course I remembered. How often do you meet a guy who actually has a horse? That’s pretty cool. You don’t just forget something like that.”

Geralt was sure his face was fully red. In a pitiful attempt to distract from the fact that he was incredibly close to hugging Jaskier once more, he looked back at the other keychain. He couldn’t keep the smile of his face.

“And a wolf.” He held it carefully in his hand, just like Jaskier had when he had seen it on the Christmas market.

“I went back there and got it for you.” There was the smallest hint of hesitation, before Jaskier added, “And to answer your question…I do think you’re cute too.”

Geralt’s words of thanks got stuck in his throat. He couldn’t have heard correctly. But the words repeated over and over in his head, the suddenly timid look on Jaskier’s face the proof that he had actually said it.

“Anyway.” Jaskier rubbed his neck. “I just wanted to give that to you. I probably should go now. Wouldn’t want to impose on you.” The words were rushed and he was already turning around. “So, have fun with your family. Merry Christmas.”

Panic rose in Geralt. He had missed so many chances, he couldn’t let this one slip through his fingers as well.

“Stay with me,” he blurted out, desperate to keep Jaskier from leaving. If he left now, Geralt was sure he wouldn’t be granted another chance. “You said you don’t have anyone to celebrate with. So do it with us. Lambert, my brother is a bit rough, but I’m sure you’d get along with Eskel.” Geralt knew he was rambling, but he needed Jaskier to stay. “And Ciri already adores you for dressing up as an elf and I’m sure my father would like to meet you. And we always cook too much anyway and -”

Jaskier came closer again, a soft expression on his face that Geralt longed to see more often.

“And it would make me happy,” he ended.

A heartbeat passed. And Geralt realised what he had just said. He had invited someone whom he had known for less than a week to spend Christmas with his family. It was stupid. No one in their right mind would say yes to that. Least of all Jaskier, who was sunshine and loud laughs and soft hums. There was no reason he would want to spend this day which he loved so much with Geralt of all people.

The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth. “You don’t have to,” he forced himself to say. “Forget I said anything.”

“I’d rather not forget it,” Jaskier said softly and suddenly his eyes lit up like a lighthouse, shining through a tempest. “I’d love to celebrate with you.”

He hesitated for only the briefest moment, before standing on his tiptoes and pressed a kiss against Geralt’s cheek.

With a grin he added, “And I’m sure, Lambert isn’t so bad. If I remember correctly, he’s the one I have to thank for meeting you.”

“Don’t you dare thank him.” Geralt’s grin belied his growl. “If you tell him that something actually good came out of him going behind my back, he will never let me live it down.”

Jaskier laughed. “We can’t that now, can we? Don’t worry, I won’t tell him that I owe him my happiness.”

He followed Geralt inside the house and throughout the evening stayed true to his word. Still, Lambert sent Geralt a knowing smirk. Geralt was sure he wouldn’t hear the end of it, but looking at Jaskier smile and laugh with his family, looking like he fit right in, made him think that this was definitely worth enduring Lambert’s smugness.

[ncxus-archived]

:: unpopular opinion - i liked fate; the winx saga ( this is very long and may contain spoilers. )

this is  a kinda head dump of my thoughts so feel free to skip over, just wanted to share my thoughts ).

I don’t agree with the whitewashing at all and am angry at them for that. i know that winx was great for showing diversity in the cartoon and people could relate to the different characters because of that diversity. but please do not hate on the actors, they didn’t get a say in that process. I have a theory that flora will actually arrive as she was mentioned so it might be a part of a significant plot point. but yes, i am pissed at them for whitewashing.

I’ve seen a lot of people getting upset because it wasn’t exactly like the cartoons, but the big thing here is that the original was a cartoon aimed at little girls under the age of ten. this new show is aimed for young adults and over. i totally get the frustration with how you were ‘promised’ something, but they had to make the show somewhat more realistic and mature as the same children who watched the cartoon originally are now adults. they probably thought they were appealing to the same audience by making it more mature for their og audience; thus to them they felt they were keeping their promise. i’m also a strong fan of the cartoon, please know i loved the cartoon and still do, yet it would have been impossible to just recreate the cartoon and i’d wager that if they tried to do it so accurately that it would turn out messy. it would be hard to relate to if there was tons of fairy sparkles and a pink castle; they had to make it more realistic and appealing to older audiences. If they did essentially mirror, there would be a whole set of other issues and then where would the creative agency be? why even bother making a live action if it is to be the exact same as the cartoon?

furthermore, they had to make it appealing to all genders, whilst the cartoon, a show from the early 2000's, was quite obviously coded towards young girls. sorry to burst bubbles but the original has very strong issues of gender conformity, sexualisation of characters and body image. in the cartoon, only girls got to be fairies, they were sparkly and they were all thin with slender hourglass figures with very little covering them in their transformation. And all the boys had to be sword fighting heroes wearing muscle tees and be emotionally aloof; thank fuck they began the steps to correct this - not saying its perfect but its progress. i remember watching the cartoon as a child and genuinely being upset because i wasn’t allowed to be a fairy because I was a boy. hopefully if future seasons go ahead, we can see trans and non binary fairies and specialists. And i felt that they didn’t sexualise their characters too much, if at all. i think there were two, maybe three, shirtless scenes but they were fast and brief and didn’t linger and were natural to the plot and their relationship to the characters in the scene (exiting a shower only to be ambushed by your ex and at a party high to suss out a crush) and didn’t really allow for a ‘good look’ which i’m thankful for as they are meant to be 16; unlike other teen drama shows which sexualises it’s characters every chance they get which needs to fucking stop. (we all know the show that commits this crime far too much). i feel like it would have been better if they simply aged up the characters to a college age setting (18+) as their age in the show does not amount to anything plot wise so that would have made me feel more comfortable to watch.  in regards to their transformations and why they didn’t happen, i totally understand the frustration and I too would have liked to see some cool ass fairy outfits, but again this is reality. whipping out these minute long transformations, changing their clothes to magical boob tubes and mini skirts would have broken the reality if it happened every chance and then where is the growth ( and having the actresses in these outfits would have opened up another set of conversations regarding sexualistion and body images ). transformations had a big impact as a spectacle element in the cartoon, which makes sense as it was pretty and sparkly and the show was for children; of course it was going to be pretty with fun music and cute poses as it helped children remember who was who. transformation in the live action had a big impact but for the plot and growth of the protagonist and universe. it is set up early on and stated that transformations have been lost, as fairies were not relying on it due to evolution. so when bloom does have that transformative moment, its a powerful thing. she is tapping into something no one else ever could for centuries, she has grown a lot in her power since she wasn’t raised to be a fairy and had issues regarding her family ( also are we that surprised she got intense, fixated and emotional over all this, she’s a fire fairy. she is fucking firey). it also adds a sinister underplot as the boss villain was the one who managed to teach her transformation; so it makes you wonder why and for what purpose? How is bloom going to manipulated? in regards to character, look ngl some of it was shit. it would have been nicer to see them do more stuff together and not be so snooty, but again growth. if the girls all popped in and became instant best friends, where is the room to grow. it made me smile seeing piece by piece they were coming together and learning to trust more and then when the time called for it they were there. as someone who has had to go into a college apartment with a group of people i never met away from home, the trust aint there. it took time and there were rough patches but then it hit a point where we were all close and loved each other, this is natural. one does not become best friends with everyone in a heart beat especially in their unique circumstances. In fact, many of them own up to their issues and apologise which i think is beautiful and probably made them stronger for it. Yes i know they were besties fast in the cartoon, but again this a cartoon. it's spreading happiness and moral lessons to children. Was that same message there? i think so, maybe not as explicitly but why make it obvious? they wanted to take the audience on a journey rather than spoon feed - you aren’t children.  Was it a great show? no. Were there things wrong with it? Of course there was. it has far to go and hopefully it will improve and draw a bit more from its source as it could be good to see. But if they take too much then what is the point in making the show to begin with. We have the winx together as friends now so if we get a season two, we will get to see them kick ass and develop as characters which will be great.  If anything I have written has upset you I deeply apologise. Please come to me and let’s chat. I’m also up for a friendly chat if you have another opinion regarding the show. 

[yikesharringrove]

hello!! i was just wondering if there is anything like au’s, kinks etc. that you really don’t vibe with so that myself or anyone else won’t make you uncomfortable by asking you to write about it. much love 💕

Honestly, there’s not a lot I WON’T write. Even if it’s not something I’m into as a human (like kinks and stuff) I’ll still write it, even if it icks me out a little. honestly, my hard lines are like hard lines.

I also want to say who I’ll write. I’m a Harringrove blog, first and fucking FOREMOST, but I love Stommy, Keg Boys, and Buckleway, and would be down as hell to write Stonathan and Stoncy. ( I LOVE Jonathan, but I have trouble writing Nancy. Just can’t find her voice really.)

I’ll put them under the cut bc I’m gonna talk about stuff people may want to avoid, plus she’s LONG

So, I WILL NOT write incest. That includes Billy/Max bc in my brain and how I like to write them is as brother and sister, that they’ve fixed their relationship, so yes. Which leads me to...

I won’t write for any of the kids in a sexual context. Most of the actors are minors, are that makes me feel yucky to think about writing these characters that way. When I’m writing a sex scene between Billy and Steve, in the show, yeah they are teens and that IS underage, but you’re thinking of characters played by ADULTS. Joe Keery is like, almost thirty. He’s a GROWN MAN. That’s why I won’t write the kids like that. This includes writing kid/teen like Billy/Max of Steve/Dustin and aged up, because it just makes me feel weird picturing these real life CHILDREN somehow aged up in sexual situations.

As far as content, I’m okay with most things, including triggering topics. I try my best to give proper tags and warnings, and if it’s something I DON’T have experience with, I do A LOT of research for my fics. I’ve also gone through some serious shit and use writing as an outlet for it, so I don’t mind writing heavy topics. Things that trigger me specifically, are like super weird things (ex: the song Dancing Queen. Yeah. I fucking know. Used to love that song and now I can’t fucking listen to it) so I have the emotional energy to write pretty dark stuff.

I hate Karen Wheeler and fully refuse to write Karen/Billy (outside of like, Karen hit on Billy and it was grsss!) that’s BIG YIKES to me and their scenes made me v uncomfy. I don’t think I could write Billy/Hopper or Steve/Hopper either, they need him as a father, not a daddy.

I won’t write Harringrove as abusive. These two mean the WORLD to me, and tbh they’ve both dealt with enough abuse. Sometimes I’ll see dark fics where one of them is going through something and becomes abusive towards the other in some way, and that’s just not my jam in a pretty big way. I love fluff and softness for these two because they deserve it, and that’s what I write. Most of my angst has happy endings too.

As far as kinks, that’s my hardest line. Like I said, most shit I will write. There’s a lot of kinks I don’t know much about, or would never be interested in trying myself, but I don’t mind researching it to write it. How I actually write kink is to find articles written by people who participate in and enjoy that kink so I can get more of an understanding of it, what it feels like, and why they participate in it/enjoy it, and then usually watch some porn of it. (which is SO FUNNY bc I’m watching like, hardcore kinky porn squinting at the screen with my glasses on figuring out how I’m gonna write and describe stuff lmao) so most kinks I’m fine with putting in the hours. With a lot of kink stuff I feel as long as everyone participating in it is consenting and in a safe environment, then go right ahead! So I’m not weirded or grossed out by much.

HOWEVER. Kinks I won’t write: -Shit. Usually I’m pretty live and let live, scat play is GROSS. Straight up. Full offense meant. Kink shaming is intentional. -Age regression during sex. I’m okay with writing Daddy Kink, and I wouldn’t mind putting in more research to write age regression outside of sex, but I DO NOT want to write something where they are actively pretending one of the participants is a child. That feels kinda questionable to me. Along with this is diapers and things like that in any context. From research I HAVE put into daddy kink, it’s not about actually pretending the dom is your father, it’s more about being taken care of. I am fine with all that, but to have the sub be pretending to be a child just makes something in me feel off when it is in a sexual context. Again, I’d be down to put in the research if you want to request someone who lives as a little or in a state of age regression and have the other person take care of them like a child. It would be pure fluff. I just wanted to make that VERY clear. -Blood in kissing. You’ll see in a lot of Harringrove when Billy has a split lip and they kiss Steve can taste the blood or something, that makes me feel REAL ick. HOWEVER, I’m a big dumb slut for vampires, and am good to write that, or gore, or even some murder boyfriends, it’s just when someone gets blood that’s not there’s in their mouth that’s pretty yikes for me. -Petplay is fine but I don’t want like, actually anthropomorphic

Honestly, I think that’s like, it? I was seriously thinking of kinks that like, personally I would NEVER want to try but like, I would write them. I don’t care. \

One thing you may or may not have noticed is that I don’t use the F-slur. I spent a lot of my life dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia. I identify as queer, (I always write Steve how I feel, where I fall in love with people above being sexually attracted to just like, a gender as a whole and personally, I can’t have sex without emotional intimacy, but that’s more of a trauma thing) I come from a really conservative place and struggled a lot with my sexuality and thought because I do like guys and have feelings for guys, I’m just straight and pushed down all of my other feelings for people of other genders away. It was actually really recently, after I went to college in a liberal city and met all different kinds of queer people I realized that 1. I have had feelings for LOTS of different people throughout my life (I was deeply in love with my best friend in high school in a SUPER gay way and just kept pretending I wasn’t lol) and 2. I don’t have to label myself if I don’t feel comfortable with that. So I call myself queer. Because I considered myself straight, literally until I was like, nineteen, I always thought of the F-slur as the same way I do the N-slur. I believe the word can be reclaimed by people in the groups it was used to dehumanize, but since I felt I WASN’T part of the LGBT+ community, I never used it. Even now that I have accepted that part of myself, the word just still feels very wrong for me to use. I don’t mind reading it, and it’s used really often in Harringrove fics bc Neil LITERALLY says it in canon, but I just can’t bring myself to type it out, so I just don’t. That’s a SUPER weird side note, but that’s why you may see in stuff I’ll skirt around Neil or Billy saying it.

So basically, I’m comfortable writing most things. Sometimes, requests may take longer because I NEED to put more thought into it, or more research or I want to get it right, for example the one I just posted with nb Steve and trans Billy, I did a lot of research and read a lot of things written by trans and nb people about their experiences and feelings, etc. as I’m a cis person and didn’t want it to be insensitive or fetishy or just straight up BAD. But I LOVE writing so FUCKING much, I will put in the time and do research to see your head canons and thoughts come to life.

One thing that takes me FOREVER is historical type prompts. I’m BAD at history, like remembering stuff in general, so while I LOVE to take prompts set in different time periods, please know it’ll take me a thousand years to fill.

If you read all this, thank you, and I’m sorry for going on weird tangents about stuff, I’m kinda weird and my brain doesn’t move in one direction lol. Please keep putting in requests and letting me into your ideas! I love it!

[heyyyharry]

Chapter 8: Sweet 25

(from the My Girl Trilogy: Be My Only)

…in which Y/N feels alone at Harry’s birthday party.

Warning: angst that took a slightly unexpected turn, jealous passive-aggressive Harry.

Word count: 8k

AU: actor!Harry, older!Harry, younger!Y/N, (4-year age gap).

Chapter 7: Behind The Scenes - Movies and actors aren’t what they appear to be.

Wattpad link

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"Look what I've got!"

Harry flopped down on the treehouse floor and proudly showed his little neighbor the silver signet ring on his left hand. Though it just remotely fit his thumb, Y/N thought it made him look so cool, like an adult. Besides, it was the most beautiful ring she'd ever seen, much more beautiful than her parents' wedding bands.

"My dad gave it to me for my birthday," he said smugly, pulled it off his finger and showed her the word STYLES engraved on the inside.

"It's so shiny!"

"Of course it is! It's silver!" The thirteen-year-old chuckled as he put the ring back on.

Y/N paused for a second. "Wait, your dad came back?"

"No." Harry shook his head. "He mailed the ring to my house."

Though he acted like it was no big deal, Y/N knew he was disappointed. She personally wouldn't want the mailman to deliver her birthday present from someone she loved. But of course, she wasn't going to make that comment.

"That's great!" the girl exclaimed to lighten the mood. "It means you have your dad's address now, you can exchange letters with him!"

"Nah, mum won't give me his address. I'm surprised she let me keep the ring." He gave her a shrug, frowning a little.

"Don't be sad," she told him. "At least he loves you and still thinks of you."

"Yeah, I guess," he said, this time the corners of his mouth turned up.

"And tomorrow is your birthday! Let's throw a party here! I'll decorate this treehouse and ask my mum to bake you some cookies—"

Harry cut her off, "actually, my mum's gonna throw me a party."

"Oh..." With that, her face fell. She fidgeted with her pigtails and thought for a second before glancing back up to meet his eyes. "I suppose you've already invited lots of people?"

"Yeah."

That answer made the little girl sad. She'd almost forgotten that Harry was a popular kid who had plenty of friends. Meanwhile, she only had two, him and Celine. That explained why she'd spent her tenth birthday with just the two of them. Harry's birthday, however, would probably be massive and exciting. Too bad she would not be a part of it.

"What's wrong, Bambi?" He gave her a grin and placed his hand on her shoulder. "Hey, it's all right, you're also invited. In fact, your name is first on the list."

"But your friends are all older than me." She pouted. "I won't be able to talk to anyone at your party."

"Well, it's my party. You can talk to me."

Y/N crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow at the boy. "You sure you're gonna talk to me the entire time and ignore the other guests?"

As much as he wanted to, he couldn't promise her that. So he exhaled and plastered a beam on his face. "Okay, how's this? Let's celebrate my birthday today with just you and me. The party tomorrow is for everyone, you can also come if you change your mind. But today, you're my one and only guest."

"Really?" The way Y/N's face lit up made Harry's grin grow twice bigger.

He nodded quickly. "You take care of the food and I'll go buy some decorations. We'll meet back here at three?"

"Deal!" she said happily, gave him a fist bump and ran back to the rope ladder.

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Ever since they got together, Harry had spent more time at Y/N's place than his London house. Though she refused to let him help pay the rent (by help, he probably meant him paying it all for her), she loved to think that they were sharing a flat. What could be more special than going home after a long day at the bookstore just to cuddle him, and rant about her day so he could rant about his? They would do boring couple things like cook together, order in, watch lame movies, sometimes his (lame) movies, and have a lot of sex. Life was great.

Tonight, she was reading when he emerged at her bedroom door after finishing washing the dishes. She didn't look at first, but he was just idling there instead of coming bed, leaving her no choice but to give him some attention.

"I'm in the middle of an important scene now, so if you're gonna do a striptease, please do it fast."

"What's the point of doing a striptease if you do it fast?" He chuckled and leaned a shoulder against the doorframe. "Don't mind me, I'm just admiring your beauty from afar."

"Great, keep doing that, my narcissistic ass loves it." She grinned and turned her eyes back on the page.

"They got together yet?" He asked.

"No." She shrugged. "They've only kissed. But I've read too many books like this so I can totally guess what happens next."

"Yeah? Tell me," he said with a lopsided grin. "I'm intrigued."

His weird emphasis on the word cracked her up. Harry successfully caught the pillow she threw at him and then jumped right on top of her, squeezing her with the tightest hug. She let him nuzzle her neck like a kitten and went on, "so...my guess is that he'll do something stupid in the next chapter, she'll get hurt, and he'll realize what an idiot he is, so he'll do something romantic to win her back. But a good story doesn't just stop there."

"Wow, tell me more." He lied on his stomach and rested his chin on his knuckles, like a child listening to bedtime stories.

Y/N cleared her throat, trying to be serious. "Okay so, the antagonist will try to sabotage their relationship. It could be a bitter ex or strict parents that don't support them. But of course, those people all fail, and the couple will soon realize how much they love each other, then and only then will they have their happy ending."

Harry cackled as he sat up and kissed her lips. "What's the point of reading if you can already guess what's gonna happen?"

"What matters is how it happens, silly." She snorted and closed her book. "Now, where's my striptease?"

"Why should I give you a striptease when tomorrow's my birthday?"

"Tomorrow's your birthday?!" She faked a dramatic gasp but did not get the reaction she wanted from him.

"Nice try." He chuckled. "There's no way you forgot my birthday."

"I did though."

"Oh yeah?" Holding her by the hips, he guided her to straddle his lap and pulled down the spaghetti straps of her top, so he could spread his kisses across her chest. She tossed her head back, her lips parted to release the heavenly sensual sound of his name. Just the sight of her going weak for him had got him all riled up. "I was gonna tell you not to get me anything." His voice was dangerously low. "But thank God you don't remember my birthday."

She pulled away, her face contorted. "Wait, why can't I get you a birthday present?"

"Because all I need is right here." He tickled her sides, and she collapsed on his chest, laughing so hard that her eyes watered.

"Stop it, asshole!" she shouted when he stopped the torture. As his hands fell back to her thighs, she held his face between her palms. "But seriously, why? We used to always get each other birthday presents."

"I know you, Bambi. You'd overspend on my birthday because you think you should get me something expensive."

"First of all, I don't think so. Second, I already got you something, and it's not expensive at all."

"Really?" He stroked her hair. "What is it? Show me now?"

"I'll show you tomorrow night."

"Ooooh, did you buy new sexy lingerie for me?" He snuck one hand under her nightgown to squeeze her ass, but she seized his wrist before he made another move.

"Nope, it's better." To his disappointment, she placed his hand on her hip instead. "You'll be so happy you'll burst into tears, baby."

"Aww, I'm already overjoyed," he said, pulling her down, her head was on his chest. He stroked his hand steadily up and down her back, meanwhile rearranging his thoughts and making room for a bit of silence before he spoke again. "You're not throwing me a surprise party, are you?"

Her eyelids shot up when she heard the question. "No," she lied.

"Good." Harry nodded, still staring at the ceiling. "Because I want you to come with me to the party at Jeff's house tomorrow night."

"Your manager's throwing you a birthday party?"

"Kind of."

Shit.

"I told him not to, but he insisted on doing it. He and the cast and crew of the movie I'm working on had been planning it for weeks." He combed his fingers through his hair and blew up his cheeks. "I'm actually nervous. I've been told many important people are on the guest list."

Y/N propped her head up, her nose crinkled. "I bet this is Ruby's idea."

"Why do you hate Ruby so much?" he asked, sounding amused. "I know she wasn't so nice to you when you met her at my place, but that was mainly my fault, love."

His oblivion was really bugging her. She almost blurted out that Ruby had shown up at her place and offered her money to break up with him. But at the same time, she didn't want him to know that. He still had to play Ruby's love interest in this new film. Y/N didn't know much about acting, but she knew actors needed to get along in real life to deliver great chemistry in romantic scenes. The last thing she wanted was to create tension between him and his co-star that would affect his performance.

Immediately, she shrugged off the thought and pursed her lips. "Fine. I'm sorry I'm so bitter that I dislike your ex."

"Hey, I didn't mean that." He held her hips down when she attempted to get off his lap. "I love you, you know I do. I just don't want you to think about my past with her all the time. It means nothing to me now. You, on the other, mean everything. That's why I want you to go to this party with me. I need your support." He could see it in her eyes that she was a bit reluctant, so he continued, "You said you were curious about my life as an actor, right? This could be a fun experience for you. And you might meet an actor or actress that you like there."

A part of Y/N was still unsure, but how could she say no when he was giving her those puppy dog eyes?

"Okay, fine." She gave in. "But I'll wear my clothes and drive there on my own. Do not spend your money on me."

"Deal!" he gleefully said and pressed a kiss to her lips.

.

.

.

Y/N returned to the treehouse at 3 PM, only find her friend sitting in the corner with his head on his arms. Harry heard her footsteps and looked up, his smile was turned upside down. He looked like he was going to cry, and Y/N had never seen Harry cry before, so she didn't know what to do. Swallowing hard, she took quiet steps toward the boy and sat down right by his side. The happy and fun birthday decorations were the opposite of the gloominess cast upon the two kids.

"W-what happened?" she asked.

Harry let out the longest sigh before he spoke, "I lost the ring."

It was only then that she noticed his empty thumb where his father's ring had been. She waited for him to start crying, but he didn't, even though his lips were quivering and his eyes were glossy. Y/N had always thought wanting to cry but not being able to was the worst kind of self-torture. She knew that, because during many fights with her dad, her mother had held back her tears to the point where agony was etched on her face.

"Hey, it's alright." Y/N patted his arm gently. "You might've dropped it somewhere. When was the last time you had it?"

"I don't know." He shrugged, holding his head and thinking for a long moment until he was calm enough to remember. "I guess...it was an hour ago, maybe? I ran to the store to buy some candles."

The girl stood up right away and offered him her tiny hand. "Come on," she said. "Let's go search for your ring!"

.

.

.

Though Y/N hated inconsequent polite conversations and the awful mixture of expensive perfume that gave her a headache, she had to say that this party had exceeded her expectations. Everything here screamed rich. Most of the guests were A-list celebrities. There were people serving canapes, wine, and expensive cocktails. And they were playing her favorite songs (she assumed her boyfriend might have had something to do with this). Harry's manager Jeff had really outdone himself this time.

Before arriving, Y/N had thought only Harry's friends had been invited. But it seemed like Jeff had made sure all the big names in the film industry in London were there tonight. She recognized most of these people and she didn't watch that many movies. Maybe she should have gone out to buy the most expensive dress she could afford, and not shown up in this lame long sleeve bodycon dress that made her look like the cheapest walking being in the room. If Celine had been there, she would've screamed at her to go change. But maybe Celine would've got distracted, freaked out and fainted the second she saw her favorite actor, Cohen Guard drinking champagne with top model Jacelyn Fox. They would've made fun of these rich people together while fangirling about them. It would've been so great.

But Celine wasn't there. And Y/N was all alone.

She knew she shouldn't look down in the dumps at her boyfriend's birthday party, but how she acted and what she thought wouldn't make any difference. Nobody paid attention to her, anyway. She'd come here alone and had only spoken a few words to her boyfriend before Jeff stole him from her. The manager didn't even bother to wonder who she was, or why she'd been invited. She didn't matter to anyone here except for Harry.

So she'd found her place in the corner of the room, watching her boyfriend talking to a director Jeff had introduced him to. He looked nervous and kept glancing back to where she stood, probably to get some emotional support and make sure she was all right. She had to put on a beam whenever he stared, but the second he turned away, she went back to looking miserable. Y/N was completely alienated at this party.

"Y/N!"

Her heart leaped in joy the second she spotted Niall waving at her with a massive grin on his face. My savior, she thought to herself and immediately went in for a hug.

"You came!" Niall said. "Harold was afraid you'd change your mind."

"Nah, I didn't want to let him down," she said and took another sip of champagne.

"Where's Harold?"

"He's over there with Jeff and some directors."

Niall's eyes followed where Y/N's finger was pointing at, and he didn't comment anything else. He probably knew it was a duty for people like Harry to meet new people at parties like these, but at the same time, felt bad because Y/N was abandoned. So he quickly changed the subject by complimenting her dress. She didn't know if that was even half the truth, but it certainly made her feel less self-conscious now.

They spoke for a while until she noticed that Niall had been eye-flirting with a blonde from across the room. It seemed like he wanted to go over there and start a conversation, but didn't want to leave Y/N on her own. As much as she wanted to be selfish and keep him here with her, she ended up telling him to go talk to that girl.

"Are you sure you'll be fine here?" He raised an eyebrow in concern, making her laugh.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Like one hundred percent sure or ninety percent?"

"One hundred." She rolled her eyes and pushed his shoulder. "Go! Before she finds someone else."

"Okay." Niall gulped down his drink and put the empty glass back on the table next to him. "But don't worry," he told her, "Harold's coming."

Y/N looked up as Niall left and saw that her boyfriend was indeed making his way here. Harry stopped in front of her and leaned in, but then remembered just in time to kiss her on the cheek and not her lips like he'd intended to.

"Sorry I took too long." He pulled away, keeping his hands behind his back. "Was Niall bothering you?"

She grinned and shook her head. "No, he was actually keeping me entertained with his jokes."

"Are you bored?"

"Not at all."

He gave her a half-smile. "Okay, now you're just being sarcastic."

"You gotta love me for who I am, mister," said Y/N as she playfully poked his chest.

Harry eyed her from head to toes. She could already guess what he was thinking about when he wetted his lip and took a deep breath. "I really want to ruin your lipstick right now," he said in hushed tones. "That dress looks so fucking good on you."

"How about we sneak out of here and you can ruin more than just my lipstick?" She stepped forward, not breaking their eye contact. The look on his face was priceless. He had his mouth and eyes wide open, trying to appear as composed as he could, but she knew his heart was racing.

"We can't, love," he said at last.

Though dismayed, she couldn't blame him for not wanting to risk it. They shouldn't even be talking to each other right now.

"But...but...I can show you around," he added. "Jeff's got a huge house and—Have you checked out the sushi bar? There's a sushi bar."

"Yeah, I ate so much that so many people were staring and I had to leave," she said, chuckling slightly.

Harry hesitated, and yet he couldn't help but stroke her cheek with his thumb before tucking a black strand behind her ear. "I'll make it up to you after this party, I promise."

"I'm looking forward to it." She pressed her lips into a smirk. "So...why don't you show me around?"

"Okay, come—"

"Harry!" Jeff pushed his way through a group of people and clutched Harry's arm as his whole face lit up "Director Garrett Spielmann is here! I sent the invitation to him for fun and he actually came!"

"Oh God, that's great, uhm...but..." Harry paused to look back at his girlfriend. "Can you keep him busy for a moment?"

"Are you insane?!" Jeff cried out. He was too hyped to notice the girl standing behind his client, so he went on, tugging at Harry's arm. "That man directs only Academy Award-winning films and works with only potential Academy Award-winning actors! Please don't let me down!"

"But—"

"No!"

"Jeffrey!" Harry groaned like a little boy but Jeff refused to listen. He dragged his best client by the arm toward the white-haired man standing in the middle of the room. Y/N gave her boyfriend two thumbs up to let him know she was fine, still, he looked extremely guilty.

"I'm sorry and I love you," he mouthed at her. To be honest, that was all she needed to hear at the moment.

Now alone again, Y/N decided to go explore the house on her own. It was actually great to be a nobody because no one there came up to talk to her; they let her wander freely like a ghost among the living. After walking around until her legs were tired, she had found a bathroom. She didn't really need to go, she simply wanted to get away from the party just for a little while. The bathroom sounded like a great idea for that. In fact, it took her back to her prom night, when she'd spent most of the time making out with her boyfriend in a stall instead of dancing. The bathroom could be a great place if you wanted it to be.

Having been to Harry's and Isaac's house many times before, Y/N already had an idea of what rich people's bathrooms looked like. So she wasn't exactly surprised to see the one at Jeff's. It was similar, scrupulously clean with gleaming granite countertops, walnut framed mirrors, and fragrant fluffy towels carefully folded on a chair. Could she just stay here while waiting for Harry? It would surely be better than going back out there.

However, once she'd finished reapplying her makeup, she heard some voices and footsteps down the hall. They got louder as the people came closer, and then sauntered in two twins who looked and dressed like supermodels. It was Ruby who walked right behind them. Y/N guessed they had just arrived because she hadn't seen them until now.

The twins didn't pay much attention to her, though she'd noticed the way they had sized her up when they entered. Ruby, on the other hand, gave her a long hard glare as she walked past. Y/N didn't want to start an unwanted conversation here, so she had to leave quietly.

As she had just walked out of the door, the girls thought she was gone, so they began talking.

"Hey, Rubes, who's that girl?" one of the twins spoke with the most annoying high-pitched voice Y/N had ever heard. As much as she hated to eavesdrop, the conversation was about her, and she had to know how mean they were going to be. So she stood by the bathroom entrance with her back against the wall, listening to everything they had to say.

"I saw her laughing with Harry earlier," the same twin continued. "Do they know each other or something?"

"Is she his new assistant?" the other one joined in.

"Nope," Ruby said with a calm yet mocking tone. Her laugh echoed in the room. "She's here to serve drinks."

This bitch!

"They seemed like close friends to me," twin number one said.

"Oh, please." Ruby scoffed. "Harry is nice to everyone who works for him."

"But have you seen her dress?" Twin number two scoffed as she commented, "I mean, girl, are you at a birthday party or a funeral? I feel so sorry for her if she thinks she can fit in looking like that."

Y/N clenched her fists and bit so hard on her bottom lip that it turned white. If this was secondary school, she would've confronted those ladies like she'd done to the mean girls back then. But now she was an adult, a guest at an exclusive party, her boyfriend's birthday party. She knew better than to cause a scene and draw any attention to herself.

So she took a deep breath, held onto her rage and got out of there. That was when she bumped into Isaac.

"Hey, lady, watch where you're going!" he said with a beam but she was too upset to return one.

"Thank God you're here," she said. "I was about to lose it and bitch slap Ruby in the bathroom. Fuck, that bitch!"

Isaac blanched as soon as he heard. "Wait, what happened? Where's H?"

"Talking to Garrett Spielmann over there."

Isaac turned his head so fast it could've fallen off and he wouldn't have cared. "The Garrett Spielmann?" His blue eyes brightened. "The director of Vendetta Of Retreat, the best movie of all time?!"

"Jesus, calm down, you movie nerd." She gave his shoulder a nudge. "Well, he's busy speaking to Harry, so maybe wait a bit before you rush in to ask for a photograph."

"If I do fangirl too hard, please stop me," Isaac pulled a silly face that made her shriek with laughter.

Ruby and the twins had finally entered the room. All eyes were on them when they ambled in like models on a runway. They didn't pay attention to anyone, so Y/N assumed they probably didn't see her now that she'd blended right into the background, where she should be. She watched the actress kiss the twins goodbye and make her way to Harry. Everything she did pissed Y/N off, even the way she hugged Harry and held him for much longer than she did the others.

"Bitch," Y/N muttered, thinking Isaac didn't hear it. But he did, and he burst out laughing.

"So you've talked to the Declan twins?" he asked, pointing to those girls.

"No, but they sure had a lot to say about me. All awful things."

"Don't mind them. Their father is a millionaire and they think they're the British Kendall and Kylie Jenner."

His comment made her snort. "They are as bratty as those Kardashian girls, so that's actually correct."

The pair shared a good laugh at her comment and then Isaac added, "love your dress by the way."

"Many of the guests here would disagree, but thank you," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Well, I personally love it. But your outfit's still missing something."

"Of course it—What are you doing?" Y/N widened her eyes when the man took a step closer. Not saying a word, he pressed two fingers to the corners of her mouth and pushed them up.

"There ya go," he said with amusement as she pushed his hands away, smiling this time.

"You're a nerd," she said.

"And you, little lady, is a bully."

.

.

.

The kids couldn't find the ring.

They had searched everywhere on the road from their houses to the store and they had asked everyone they knew. Nobody had seen the ring. Or maybe someone had, and they'd kept it for themselves. So Y/N and Harry returned home empty-handed and Y/N blamed herself for everything. As soon as they'd entered their treehouse, the little girl burst into tears.

"Hey, kid, what...what's wrong?" Harry gripped her trembling shoulders and crouched down so their faces were at the same level. "Hey, don't cry. It's not your fault."

"If it hadn't been for m-me...and...and this two-person party, maybe...maybe you would still have your r-ring," she said while sobbing into her small palms.

Harry's brain stuttered for a moment, he always panicked when his Bambi cry. Her tears had power over him, and he was still trying to figure out how to deal with them. Carefully, he held her little face and stroked her head, telling her to calm down.

"It's not your fault, Bambi. I was careless, and the ring was too big for me so it fell out. None of this is your fault. You've been nothing but a good girl."

It was funny how he hadn't thought of that when he lost the ring. He had been too upset about losing it that the reason why didn't matter. Only when he saw Y/N's tears did it occur to him that, if not today then sooner or later he would've lost that ring, anyway. You could never keep something that wasn't meant to be yours.

He took the girl's hands and pulled her down on the floor with him. They were sitting face to face, their fingers intertwined on his lap. Quietly, he watched her sniffle for a moment, and then she stopped crying.

"Maybe..." She freed one hand from his to wipe her wet cheeks. "Maybe your dad will understand if you tell him what you just told me."

His face went blank at once. "I-I don't think...uhm..." he stuttered, biting his lip. "I don't think he needs to know."

"Of course he does!" she cried out. "He gave it to you for your birthday."

"He didn't."

"What?"

Y/N gave him this innocent look that made his heart ache, for he knew he was a terrible person for lying to her. With his head hung low to avoid her big questioning eyes, Harry admitted, "he didn't give the ring to me. I-I found it in my mum's closet. She told me it used to be his and let me keep it."

Slowly, he looked up, expecting her to get angry. After all, he'd made her think it'd been her fault that he'd lost his father's gift. But Y/N only asked, "why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

The girl didn't sound querulous but rather perplexed and concerned. She didn't understand why he felt the need to lie, especially to her. Should she always be an exception?

A line appeared between his brows as he began to fidget with the buttons on his shirt. Embarrassed, he said, "because my dad...has never sent me a birthday present before. Maybe he doesn't even remember I exist, let alone my birthday. But I wished that he did, so I lied about him sending me the ring. I thought that...if you believed the story, I would too, and it'd become the truth."

The boy eventually looked up with sad eyes that made him look like a criminal who'd just pleaded guilty. However, the look his sweet little neighbor was giving him didn't make him feel that way. She didn't say a word and got on her knees to wrap her short arms around his torso. He was frozen for a second, but eventually relaxed to accept the hug, thinking it was one of the best gifts he'd ever received on his birthday.

.

.

.

Harry had been watching his girlfriend and best friend for long enough to feel uncomfortable. He didn't care what Isaac had told him. He knew Isaac's feelings for Y/N couldn't have just vanished overnight. Maybe Isaac still loved her. Maybe he wanted to prove that she was wrong to choose Harry. Maybe he was waiting for an opportunity to win her back. Maybe that opportunity was tonight.

Stop, said the voice inside Harry's head, he was over-analyzing the situation again. Still, it was frustrating to see her so happy with Isaac.

"Harry is made for that role! He's perfect! Aren't you, H?"

"Huh?" The actor blinked rapidly. Only now did he realize everyone was staring, and he felt like a fool for not knowing what it was about.

"Garrett's new movie," Ruby reminded him. "I said you should audition for the role of the space soldier."

"Oh, no, I'm not—"

"He's so humble," she cut him off, giving his shoulder a subtle squeeze to say he should leave this to her. The truth was, he wished he could leave everything to her and go be with his girlfriend right now.

"It's good to be humble sometimes, but don't underestimate yourself," said Garett, who had been greatly entertained by Harry's laid-back attitude and Ruby's energy. He flicked his fingers between the two of them. "You could be perfect for the roles of the lovers."

"Well, I don't know about me, but Harry is the perfect choice." Ruby nudged him, making the few other guests standing there 'aww' at once. But when she was sure nobody paid attention anymore, she leaned in to whisper in his ear, "you're acting like a sheep. Remember what I taught you."

Harry did remember her advice. He knew if he showed these people that he was any less than them, they would start seeing him that way too. However, it'd been hard to put on a great show knowing he'd left Y/N on her own for most of tonight. Now she was alone with Isaac, which didn't really help him feel any better.

When Harry glanced back to where those two had been just a minute ago, they were already gone. His eyes desperately searched for them from left to right, but they were nowhere to be seen in the room. Now he began to feel hot under the collar, almost like he was standing on fire.

"Excuse me."

The word slipped out of his mouth before he could think twice. He ignored Jeff saying his name, shrugged Ruby's hands off him, and muttered a sincere apology to the director he'd probably never get to speak to again. He needed to find his girl.

.

.

.

"And over here we have...the sushi bar!"

Isaac fell about as Y/N presented it to him like she was the owner of the place. "Are you sure this is the first time you've been here?"

She gave him a shrug. "I had nothing to do for the last two hours, so I walked around. But this could be my house in twenty years. Who knows?"

Smiling, she picked up a clean plate to get some sushi rolls for the two of them. He watched her hum in satisfaction as she ate one, and with a mouth full, asked him if he'd like to try.

"No, I—"

"Come on, open your mouth."

He pretended to look annoyed but still opened his mouth so she could feed him the roll using chopsticks.

"Good?" she asked, and he nodded, making her giggle. "See? I told ya. This is the only good thing about this party, to be honest."

"Our surprise party would've been better." His comment made her beam fade away. As she said nothing else, he went on with a sigh, "I'm sorry you had to cancel it at the last minute. Did Harry know?"

"Nah, if he had, he would've asked Jeff to cancel this party." A corner of her mouth quirked up as she lifted her shoulders. "I didn't want him to put himself second on his birthday because of me."

"You think he would've done that?"

"Yeah. I know him," she asserted. "He's not enjoying this party at all. You can just see it in his eyes."

Isaac obviously couldn't. Nobody here could, except for her. Maybe it was her special talent, one she'd always taken pride of. She knew him better than everyone in this house. But unfortunately, they were the ones receiving his attention tonight.

"Well, hello Isaac."

When Y/N heard that scratchy voice, she didn't have to turn around to know it was one of the twins from earlier. She could never get that obnoxious high-pitched tone out of her head. As she turned around, the girl shoved an empty glass into her hands.

"Get me some more champagne," said twin number one, who had a slightly higher voice than her sister.

Y/N pushed the glass back to the girl. With a hostile glare, she said, "I don't work here. You have arms and legs, do it yourself."

The girl raised an eyebrow and puckered up her lips. "Are you sure you don't work here?"

"Hey, that's enough, Emma."

"Oh, you're hanging with the party staff now, Isaac?" twin number two said as she stepped forward to back up her sister. Y/N almost told him to leave it to her to handle these bitches, but he didn't even give her a chance to try.

"She's my girlfriend. Speak to her like that again and I'll tell your father what you really did in Vegas."

The twins had their mouths hanging open but neither could make a sound, and Isaac didn't want to wait for them to speak. He grabbed a startled Y/N and pulled her with him, away from those girls, to an empty balcony and shut the glass doors to muffle the loud music and noisy conversations.

Just as he was about to say something, she interrupted him. "Why did you tell them I was your girlfriend?"

"I didn't...I didn't know what to say. I was angry that they said that to you." He breathed and shoved his fingers in his golden locks. "They both asked me out two years ago, and I turned them down. They're still bitter about it, apparently."

"They both asked you out?"

"Weird, right?" He snorted at the look on her face. "You okay, Smiley?"

"Yeah." She looked up to meet his eyes. "I would've kicked their asses had you not been there."

"Thank God I was there. You're one violent little girl."

"Who you calling a little girl?" She playfully hit his chest only for him to catch her wrists and hold them down. The two of them were dying of laughter when the door opened and Harry appeared.

"Bambi?" His voice stopped them at once.

Isaac let Y/N go, giving Harry a grin, but he didn't get the same attitude in return. The way Harry's eyebrows snapped together and his lips set in a hard line had said it all.

"I'll leave you two alone," said Isaac as he gave his best friend one last glance before leaving.

Once the door fell shut, Harry turned back to his girlfriend. Y/N didn't hold his gaze for more than a second. She turned her head to stare at the trees and fairy lights in Jeff's garden.

"I was looking everywhere for you," he spoke, his voice was low. "Are you mad at me?"

"No."

As she released a shaky breath, Harry expected her to continue. But what came next was silence. Terrifying, grim silence that made his bones ache and his heart sink. He took a step forward to stand by her side and refrained the need to reach for her hand. He knew any move he made was being watched. He was nothing more than a poor book character waiting for the readers to decide whether he was good or bad.

"What were you and Isaac talking about?" He asked, his eyebrows pulled together as he studied her reaction. He didn't have to say it, she knew what he was thinking.

"He was just keeping me company while you were busy with the other guests," she replied with a straight face.

"You know I can't spend all my time with you, Bambi," he said steadily. "People would get suspicious, that's how rumors start."

"I know. That's why I'm not blaming you."

"You were though."

"I wasn't!" She shot him a glare. "I just felt uncomfortable, so I came out here for some fresh air. Why's it a problem for you?!"

"Because you're clearly upset that I'm not spending enough time with you tonight and you won't admit it."

"No." She laughed wryly, shaking her head. "I'm upset because I don't feel welcome here. These snobby rich people look down on me, H. I know it's not your fault, but why are you trying to pin it on me?"

"Are you seriously doing this right now?" He breathed and quickly glanced at the door to make sure no one was looking at them. "You want to get to know me. Well, this is me, Bambi. I'm not just the boy you grew up with, I'm also an actor. And sadly, what those snobby rich people think of me matters. I don't like that, in fact, I hate that. But I still have to go through with it every day. So why can't you just be supportive?"

"If I weren't supportive, I wouldn't have come here, H." She stared at him in disappointment. "It's sad that you think I still need to get to know you. I've known you my whole life, and this isn't you. All you've been doing tonight is trying to please other people. You're not having fun on your birthday and these people are not your friends. They don't even care about you."

"I don't need them to care about me, I need them to accept me. That's the only way for me to mean something here."

"You are something to me," she softened her voice, but he let those words go over his head.

"It's easy for you to say because you're not one of us. Maybe you should've stayed home."

Fear crossed his face as he realized what he'd said. Abruptly, he reached for her hand, muttering a late apology only for her to push him away.

"I didn't mean it like that—"

"No, you were right," she cut him off. "I should've stayed home."

When she stormed off, Harry was paralyzed for a whole second. His mind was blurry until it suddenly hit him what this could mean for them. The last time she'd walked out on him, he'd lost her for a year, and could've lost her forever had it not been for that bloody storm. He couldn't lose her again, especially not on his birthday.

Terrified, he chased after Y/N, but she had blended right into the crowded room and disappeared like a ghost. Before he could make it to the exit, a hand pulled him back by his shoulder.

"Hey, there you are!" Ruby said, her eyebrows rose. "Come on, I—"

"Not now Rubes." He shrugged her off, only to bump into the Declan twins as he attempted to run.

"Hey, Rubes, that girl turns out to be Isaac's girlfriend. Why did you say she was here to serve drinks?! "

Ruby's eyes bulged out when Harry looked back at her, and now he finally realized what had happened when he wasn't there. Y/N had been upset for a reason which he'd been too oblivion and selfish to figure out.

"I can explain," Ruby blurted, but he stopped her before she could start.

"Please don't." He pulled away and then dashed toward the door.

.

.

.

"Wait!" Y/N shouted before Harry blew out the candle on his cupcake. She looked so serious with her eyebrows knitted together and her arms crossed. "Before you make your wish, I have to give you my present first."

"It's not how it works though." He scoffed. "It's always: blow the candle, make a wish, and then open presents."

"This is a special birthday so we don't play by the rules," said the little girl as she reached inside the back pocket of her jeans. "Close your eyes."

Smiling, Harry shut his eyes. He told her she shouldn't have bought him anything, and she replied by saying he talked too much. On the count to three, the girl told him to open his eyes.

"Ta-da!"

"A...ribbon?" The boy looked confused, but at the same time, amused by the birthday surprise she was holding in front of his face.

"Give me your hand." Y/N giggled. She didn't have to explain herself, because when she wrapped the pink ribbon around his thumb and tied both ends together into a nice little bow, he finally got the idea.

"Now you can tell everyone you got a ring on your birthday!" She blushed, chewing on her lip. "This was kind of a...last-minute idea. And you know, I don't have money to buy you a real one—"

"I love it!" He cut her off while admiring the 'ring' on his thumb. "It's beautiful."

Her eyes sparkled with joy as she clapped her hands and promised him, one day she would get him a real silver ring. He told her he couldn't wait until that day and finally blew out the candle.

"Do early birthday wishes come true?" He asked after having made his wish.

With her hands on her knees, she gave him a shrug. "We'll find out. But did you wish for your dad to come back or for you to find the ring?"

"I wish for us to always stay together."

Her reaction to his answer wasn't what he'd expected.

"Harry! Why would you say your wish out loud?!"

"Well, you asked me what it was." The boy chuckled at the horrified look on his little friend's face. "This is a special birthday, remember? It doesn't follow the rules of ordinary birthdays."

Harry's reassurance made Y/N sigh in relief. She pursed her lips, batting her eyelashes at him. "I hope you're right."

He knew he was right. They would always stay together. Because what would he do without his girl?

.

.

.

"Bambi, wait!" Harry burst right through the door and leaped down the steps with two strides to catch up with Y/N. She heard his voice and only walked faster toward her car, clutching the strap of her crossbody bag so tightly that her knuckles turned white.

"Go back inside, you're making a scene!" she shouted at him without slowing down, but Harry didn't give up. He pushed past the people who were trickling out of the house. Their indistinct voices were sizzling in his ears, but he brushed them off and tried to keep up with her pace.

"Baby, I'm sorry!"

"I don't wanna hear it!" She covered her ears like a child, striding ahead. Just as she was about to reach her car, however, he jumped right between her and the door, holding her arms so she wouldn't push him out of the way.

"I didn't mean what I said!"

"And I don't care," she grumbled, turning her head from left to right. Her face reddened as she realized there were people watching them fight in the driveway. Harry, on the other hand, was too delirious to care.

"Please, I'm sorry I said that to you." He held her face dearly so she would look at him instead of those strangers. "That was stupid, really stupid. I should've been there for you instead of him. It won't happen again."

"What are you doing? People are staring at us," she said between gritted teeth, but he wasn't listening.

"I love you, Bambi. I love you so much—"

Y/N covered his mouth with both hands, the color drained out of her face. While she was in shock that he'd screamed out those words, he was snickering into her palm.

"Are you fucking insane?!" She pushed him away. "Jesus Christ, how much did you drink? You're fucking craz—"

That sentence was left unfinished as he held her face and bent his head to kiss her deeply. His lips were soft, his mouth hot. His tongue thrust into her mouth as he turned them around and pinned her against her car. The next thing she knew, she was kissing him back, shoving her fingers in his tangled hair, moaning his name. They kissed like no one was watching. His hands worked their ways around her body, caressing her body that was made just for him. She was his girl, his one and only. He told himself that before pulling away, one hand on the glass window, the other holding her neck, their foreheads touching. They held each other's intense gaze for a long moment while panting and trembling.

Y/N had only read about the type of kisses that made your head spin and your heart stop, but with him, she could feel everything she'd thought didn't exist. It was always fireworks when they touched, and she could probably never get used to it.

"Why did you do that?" she asked quietly, her hands clenched fistfuls of his shirt.

He sucked in a shaky breath before closing his eyes. "Because you wouldn't hear me out."

"Well, you were rude to me. You hurt my feelings."

"I'm sorry. I was...I was going insane in there," he said, his eyelids fluttered. "I didn't like seeing you with Isaac, and I didn't like how I'd been distracted the whole night just thinking of you. I used to be...good at it you know, putting on a fake smile and parading around like I enjoyed every single moment. But tonight, I could only think about you. I worried that you might not like it, that you weren't happy, that after tonight you would change your mind about our relationship. I just...I hate that you're not like us, you're too good for our pretentious world. So if I'm not careful enough, I can lose you easily."

"I didn't...didn't know you felt that way." She pouted, slowly caressing his cheeks. "I'm sorry, maybe I should've been more understanding."

He shook his head. "No, it was my fault. I didn't realize some people had been awful to you."

"Did Isaac tell you?"

"No, one of the twins accidentally said it." He frowned. "Maybe both of us should've stayed home. I'm not a dick when I'm alone with you."

His remark about himself made her giggle. "I almost threw away my birthday present for you because you were a dick," she said and asked him to give her a moment.

Harry arched an eyebrow as he watched Y/N open her crossbody bag. Before he could say a word, she pulled out from a small pocket a silver signet ring.

"Got this from a thrift store. It's embarrassingly cheap, I promise." She smirked as shock transformed his face.

"Wait, is that..."

Y/N nodded. "I don't remember what your dad's ring looked like exactly, so I'm sorry if this one might look a bit different. I had the word BAMBI engraved instead of your last name. See?"

"Wow, you are narcissistic."

"Oh, shut up!"

Harry was beaming like an excited little boy when she took his left hand and put the piece of jewelry on his ring finger, which fit perfectly.

"Happy sweet twenty-five, my love," she said. "Now you can tell everyone this is the birthday present from someone who really loves you."

Too emotional to speak, Harry dragged his Bambi back into his arms and showered her face with gentle kisses. He repeatedly whispered into her ear how much she meant to him and how lucky he was to have her in his life. Though she already knew, her heart still bloated, filled with affection.

"People have seen us together." She nibbled on her bottom lip while observing his face.

"It's fine, don't worry." He kissed the tip of her nose. Despite what he'd said, the look in his eyes had failed to cover up his fear. "Whatever happens, you'll stay with me right?"

"Always." She pressed her lips against the curve of his jaw, her hands tightened on his hips.

[amillioninprizes]

A Tale of Two P.I.s: How Stumptown Succeeded Where Veronica Mars Failed

A hardboiled female private eye with a drinking problem, a litany of temporary sexual partners, and trauma resulting from her romantic soulmate dying in an explosion that’s partially her fault solves mysteries.

This could describe either the freshman ABC show Stumptown, starring Cobie Smulders as military veteran Dex Parios, or Rob Thomas’s intended vision for an adult Veronica Mars in the wake of the recent S4 that aired on Hulu. Many VM fans turned to the former after the supreme disappointment that was S4 in order to get their kickass lady detective fix; a common refrain that I’ve seen is that Stumptown is the show that adult Veronica Mars should have been. Notably, Stumptown was recently renewed for a second season, while Hulu has declined to order more seasons of Veronica Mars. Now that the pain of VM S4 is less fresh, I recently watched the first season of Stumptown to see if it was worth the hype. Here are the reasons why I think that Stumptown has been renewed for a second season while Veronica Mars has, much like Susan Knight, been left dead in the water:

Dex is a competent detective

Like, I shouldn’t even have to say this, but: if you’re going to make a show about a private investigator, that character should be able to crack cases. Rather infamously, Veronica did not solve any mysteries in VM S4: Keith solved the bomber mystery, Logan solved the congressman blackmail mystery, and Vinnie solved the missing ring mystery. Veronica just kind of floated around being a mean party girl.

Meanwhile Dex, despite being less experienced as a detective, uses her smarts and background as a military interrogator to solve the mystery of the week. She notably utilizes disguises and undercover work, two former features of Veronica’s investigating that were missing in S4. The show also makes a decent attempt to portray the realities of her having to obtain a license to be a PI and work legally, including an internship and dealing with consumer complaints. Contrast this with the proposed future seasons of VM as a traveling detective--something that would be nigh impossible giving licensing requirements.

I think the contrast between the two’s abilities can best be seen in their opening scenes of the season: Dex, at the casino, is able to suss out a married dude hitting on her pretty quickly, comprehensively listing his tells. Meanwhile, Veronica’s first scene in S4 has her randomly smashing a client’s belongings to find hidden cameras and then unprofessionally overcharging her. If that’s how she treats clients, it’s no wonder that Mars Investigations is financially struggling at the beginning of S4.

Stumptown also does a better job than VM S4 of showing why the protagonist chooses to be a detective. For Dex, it gives her stability and a sense of purpose that had been lacking since her return from Afghanistan. On the other hand, Veronica is shown to be somewhat dissatisfied with her life in S4, but it’s never explicitly addressed why; it’s also not examined why she remains in Neptune as a detective when she could use her Ivy League law degree at any time and live anywhere, especially when she appears to no longer have a talent for being a detective. Logan briefly broaches the subject in one scene, but it’s dropped just like every other VM plot thread.

Dex is a marshmallow

As has been covered extensively elsewhere (including the pages of this very blog), probably the largest issue that people had with S4 of Veronica Mars outside of Logan’s death was Veronica’s characterization. Rob Thomas said in interviews that he told the writers this season to write Veronica like a porcupine; the end result was a portrayal that dialed all of Veronica’s negative traits to 11, added new ones, and completely removed the softer aspects of her character that made her such a compelling and complex protagonist. There was an attempt to give Veronica an emotional connection to the bomber mystery via the character Matty, but for most viewers it didn’t resonate due the flat affect of both actresses and poor writing. It was hard to feel like Matty was a sympathetic underdog when she had a wealthy mother ready to whisk her away to Paris for Spring Break. Veronica also doesn’t appear to have retained her former drive for justice; she mostly seems interested in collecting a paycheck (and if that’s the case I again ask why she isn’t using her Columbia law degree). She also weaponizes her white womanhood against a Latino teenager. What a great role model!

Contrast this with the also outwardly caustic Dex, who initially IS only in it for the paycheck. First off, even that’s somewhat noble in that she needs to take care of her adult brother with Down’s syndrome. Yet she quickly finds her sense of justice overcoming her desire to make bank. We see this early in the season when she turns against the PI she is shadowing in order to help a young mother obtain custody of her child from her wealthy, abusive ex-husband. This is also seen when she brokers a deal to protect the privacy of the biological child of a political candidate she’s been hired to find dirt on.

Dex also relies heavily on her support system--namely her brother Ansel, best friend Gray, food truck purveyor Tookie, and even police detective Hoffman. She resists her brother moving out because she’d be lonely without him, and her entire found family are instrumental in helping her with her cases. This isn’t necessarily different from Veronica per se, although Veronica treated her loved ones cruelly in S4. Additionally, Rob Thomas wanted to continue the show without them, despite how heavily Veronica relied on them both to help her with cases as well as emotionally.

Stumptown also shows that even if Dex hasn’t fully processed her trauma, she is capable of growing. She makes nice with her high school enemy after clearing her daughter of suspected drug dealing. Contrast this with Veronica, who punched her high school nemesis at her high school reunion (and for the five millionth time, no one wanted to see that) and was shown to have regressed as an adult to be more immature at age 35 than she was at 17. That didn’t make her seem more cool or noir, just sad.

Also, Dex actually manages to brush her hair. (But srsly I need to know how they get her hair to do that great wavy thing).

Dex’s trauma is thoughtfully addressed

As a corollary to the above point: there was obviously Something Wrong with Veronica in S4, but the show didn’t bother to explain what had transpired between the end of the second book and S4 to explain her seeming personality transplant; as a fellow fan has said, the show pretended to deal with her trauma but glossed over it in reality. For example, in addition to depicting her as being depressed and cruel to her loved ones, she is shown drinking heavily and doing drugs, both of which are out of character for her. Yet the show seems to glamorize it; none of her loved ones express any concern about this behavior and there are no references made to her alcoholic mother, whose actions negatively affected her growing up to the extent that Veronica had previously expressed wanting to avoid becoming like her. But despite the fact that she was obviously struggling with something, Rob Thomas and Kristen Bell stated that they needed to kill Logan because Veronica was somehow not traumatized enough. Apparently, putting Logan’s ring on her finger just magically erased her previous issues (unrealistic and harmful messaging to trauma survivors), and he needed to die because women can only be interesting if they’re damaged (misogynistic). Adding insult to injury was Rob Thomas’s assertion that Logan’s memory wouldn’t play much of a part of the show going forward because it would be too depressing and he needed Veronica to not be consumed with thoughts of him while engaging in “strange sex”, whatever that means. Yeah Rob, it would def be realistic for Veronica to just get over the fact that her husband and love of her life died of a bomb due to her oversight in a year and then continue on her merry way without any support from her loved ones!

Stumptown, however, explicitly connects Dex’s self destructive behavior with her past trauma: in the very first episode Dex is shown frantically texting contacts for a sexual hookup in the midst of a PTSD episode. The most powerful scene of the entire season in my opinion is one where, after experiencing a flashback to her time as an interrogator in Afghanistan, she goes on a bender at home and trashes her house to the soundtrack of Fleetwood Mac’s “The Chain.” (As an aside, I would also like to point out that Stumptown deftly portrays the trauma and grey morality associated with military service, which could have been an amazing (and noir!) storyline for naval intelligence officer Logan in future seasons of VM if Rob Thomas wasn’t such a dimwit).

Additionally, the death of her not quite-fiancé Benny hangs over her, even though the event took place twelve years prior to the start of the series. Even before Benny is introduced onscreen in flashbacks in the penultimate episode of S1, the show does a good job of portraying just how much he and their relationship meant to Dex. The season culminates in Dex finding out that his death in an explosion in Afghanistan was not in fact her fault, as she had previously assumed. Interestingly, the show’s writers considered revealing that Benny had faked his death, but the head writer later stated in an interview that doing so would invalidate the trauma Dex had experienced for 12 years and would ultimately be cruel. While on a shallow level I wouldn’t have minded them bringing Benny back since the actor who played him was super attractive and had great chemistry with Cobie Smulders, the decision the writers made instead makes more sense for the world they have built and is far more thoughtful: it allows Dex to obtain a sense of closure and growth while respecting her grief.

Women over the age of 35 aren’t Satan

A criticism of VM since it originally aired is that the show generally portrays female characters, especially mothers and other women over a certain age, in a negative light (and Rob Thomas has been defensive about it just as long). The books partially rectified this by introducing the characters of Petra Landros, the former model turned owner of the Neptune Grand, and Marcia Langdon, the new Balboa County sheriff with a murky past. Marcia was brought back for S4, but considerably dumbed down and less complex than in the books (and there’s definitely something to be said that the first time a BIPOC woman is shown in a position of power on screen in VM that her character is diminished).

Stumptown, on the other hand, has two women as older female mentors/nemeses in positions of power: Sue Lynn, the matriarch of the local Native American tribe, and Lieutenant Cosgrove of the Portland PD. Both have complicated relationships with Dex: Sue Lynn ended Dex’s relationship with Benny, her son, yet repeatedly seeks her out for help with matters on the reservation. Lieutenant Cosgrove often finds herself at odds with Dex while the latter is attempting to solve a case, though she also encourages her to legally obtain her PI license. It shouldn’t be revolutionary to have complex older female characters as supporting cast on a female-centered show in 2020, but after 15 years of misogyny from VM it certainly feels refreshing.

Where Stumptown falls short

All of this is not to say that Stumptown is flawless. Despite my praise for including older female characters above, the show is still pretty dude heavy, especially Dex’s inner circle. The mysteries of the week are of fairly average quality, and several were reminiscent of some seen in VM’s original run--the season even ends with a “Who’s at the door?” gambit. I also didn’t love the storyline where Grey’s girlfriend gets Dex drunk and tricks her into thinking they had slept together in order to drive Grey and Dex apart--that felt like something out of the mind of Rob Thomas. It also bears mentioning that in the context of current events the generally positive portrayal of the police department and Dex’s close relationship with them should bear more scrutiny. And while the show is well done overall, it never quite reaches the emotional resonance of original flavor VM (but then, neither did VM S4).

Despite those quibbles, I think it’s a good show overall. I felt like as the season progressed the creative team figured out what worked and the cast seemed to gel together. I love the classic rock soundtrack (another area where VM S4 failed, given that it abandoned VM’s signature indie soundtrack for generic pop music), which in conjunction with Dex’s wardrobe gives the show a fun retro feel. By the end of the season I was firmly won over, and I look forward to S2. Hopefully the writers of Stumptown paid attention to the backlash to VM S4 as a lesson in what not to do going forward.

[arecomicsevengood]

Quarantine Movie-Watching Journal, Continued

Throughout all this quarantine time I’ve been chronicling my watching movies, I’ve also been reading books, but have had assorted troubles on a level that seems close to basic comprehension, or just getting on their wavelength. Part of this is having a certain tendency towards the difficult or avant-garde in terms of what I think is “good,” but also wanting things to make sense or have a certain level of clarity: It’s maybe a difficult balance to strike but I don’t know, plenty of books pull it off, I have plenty of favorites. Nothing I’ve read recently has really been hitting, the only thing I’ve found compulsively readable is Virginie Despentes’ Vernon Subutex series, which I would hesitate to recommend as I also think they’re kind of bad. I want clarity on a certain level, and mystery on a deeper one; a lot of things essentially get the formula backwards, and feel incredibly obvious and free of ideas while employing obfuscatory language. (This isn’t to say I like “straightforward” prose, the “mystery” I’m referring to is basically created as an act of alchemy when language is functioning on its highest level, and insight, mood, imagery, and motion are all generated simultaneously. This isn’t “plain speech” I’m describing, but it doesn’t short-circuit the brain’s ability to make sense of it.)

In watching a lot of older movies I find that one of the things that help them maintain a level of interest is I possess a certain confusion about their cultural context. Even if something is a perfectly straightforward mainstream entertainment, there is still a sense of confusion or mystery about it, where you can follow it perfectly, but don’t necessarily know where it’s coming from, so it’s unclear where it’s going. In contrast, watching modern movies, especially more mainstream things but also, generally speaking, everything, I feel like not only do I know exactly where it’s coming from it’s also aggressively spelling everything out, as if to avoid moral confusion. This is also combined with a certain aggressiveness to the editing, so even as everything too fast-paced on certain level, it also ends up being too long, because it needs to fit in a certain level of redundancy. Older things tend to have a greater degree of storytelling clarity that’s also premised on a higher level of trust in the viewer’s ability to intuit things. Maybe there’s also a greater level of reliance on a set of semiotic devices that we’ve become more critical of over time, but what’s emerged in their absence feels more self-consciously insistent.

Little Women (2019) dir. Greta Gerwig

After watching this I looked up on IMDB to see what Gerwig is up to now and she’s slated to direct a Barbie movie? I hate this era, where success doesn’t lead to any actual clout to make important or interesting work, but instead forces artists into these traps of economic contract where they service a trademark. Also this movie is kind of weird because all these actresses are in their twenties but I think are meant to be playing teenagers for most of it? Or even younger? This movie basically feels like it is meant to be for children but is given this gloss over it to maybe seem appealing to young adult modern feminists but it doesn’t really seem like it would be except to the extent they’re indulging a youthful nostalgia.

Shirley (2020) dir. Josephine Decker

I’ve been wanting to watch Decker’s last movie Madeline’s Madeline because a lady I met and thought was cute has a small role in it. I guess all her movies are about artists and performers? I like that this one seems capable of depicting a fiction writer without just presenting their work as autobiographical but I guess that’s because it’s, you know, a real person whose story is being told. Elisabeth Moss is pretty good as Shirley Jackson. Jackson acts real weird and petulant and destructive and I sort of went in feeling like she would be depicted as a manipulative monster, but watching it I felt like it was probably well-researched and accurate to how she was but not in a way that makes me dislike Shirley Jackson — but also I do like destructive difficult personalities and I think that’s basically a fine and acceptable way for artists, or anyone, to behave. I still don’t think this is really a good movie, Shirley Jackson is not really the lead but more like the only interesting character: She’s got an obnoxious and self-satisfied husband, but the movie is more about this couple that moves in — a woman who’s pretty dull is the focal point, and her husband is boring, and manipulative too, albeit in a very commonplace way. Pretty average.

The Predator (2018) dir. Shane Black

A movie about how people with Asperger’s are the next step in human evolution that nonetheless uses the r-word slur to describe them, filled with some of the most generic actors imaginable. I like Shane Black movies as much as the next guy, but am indifferent to the Predator franchise. Maybe because, despite the R rating, they really do feel like they’re made to sell toys, like so many cartoons of the eighties? I hope the sequel the ending transparently sets up never gets made.

The Lighthouse (2019) dir. Robert Eggers

Wasn’t able to finish The Witch and I stopped and started this one a few times. Tries to avoid accusations that “all these modern horror movies are dumb as shit” by not being a horror movie but it also isn’t really anything else — Not funny enough to be a comedy nor evocative enough to be an art movie. Sort of like High Life in the sense that Robert Pattinson isn’t actually good in it but maybe it’s surprising that a mainstream actor would be in a “weird movie,” but he doesn’t really have to do anything in either, at least as far as building a character goes. It’s underwritten enough he might not even know how to read. Willem Dafoe is ok as a guy doing the sea captain voice from The Simpsons.

The Whistlers (2020) dir. Corneliu Poromboiu

Contemporary crime thing that vaguely reminded me of all the other post-Tarantino crime movies made in the past 25 years that I don’t really remember, particularly the ones in other languages. This one’s got characters learning a whistling language to communicate in a way cops will just thing is birds. Also a semi-complicated plot, told non-linearly. The female lead also pretends to be a prostitute and has sex with a criminal dude so the police watching him with hidden cameras don’t figure out what she’s up to, although, if I understand the plot, I’m pretty sure they work it out anyway.

Pain And Glory (2019) dir. Pedro Almodovar

This one stars Antonio Banderas, is pretty plainly autobiographical, being about a filmmaker approaching the end of his life -- Penelope Cruz plays the mother in flashbacks that are then shown to be a filmed recreation as an autobiographical work is begun, which is the sort of twist that could seem corny but isn’t. The film has a weird/interesting structure, the slow revelation of details from the character’s past forming a narrative a film can be made of eventually but before that there’s this totally separate story involving an actor, heroin use, and an ex-lover. That stuff’s good but also it sort of wraps up halfway through. Like, a bundle of narrative threads culminate, and then the film keeps going, to eventually tie up other bits that seem incidental. Maybe this would be fine in a theater but streamed at home I got a bit anxious. Penelope Cruz made me think “I could watch Vanilla Sky” but it turned out I can’t, it’s unwatchable.

High Heels (1991) dir. Pedro Almodovar

I love Almodovar, my stance has been that there’s a degree of diminishing returns the more of his work you see but it’s been years since I’ve seen one of his movies, and at this point I remember very little of any of them. This one’s on Criterion as part of a collection of films with scores by Ryuichi Sakamoto — Sakamoto’s not my favorite member of Yellow Magic Orchestra but he’s certainly an adept talent, and this one operates differently than I’d expect from him, most of the music feels saxophone-led, sort of in a jazz vein. Obviously you can compose for this instrumentation but yeah, not what I’d expect. The movie itself is pretty solid: bright colors, some melodrama, a ridiculous twist, a sense of humor which feels both over the top and somewhat deadpan. A woman’s mother returns to Spain after close to a lifetime away, she ends up sleeping with the daughter’s husband, he turns up dead, the daughter reveals he killed her stepfather as a child. The movie is primarily about the daughter’s yearning for the approval for an emotionally distant mother, at one point she summarizes the Bergman movie Autumn Sonata for her, but Almodovar is gayer and more sexually perverse than Bergman. so it’s less dour than I’m maybe making it sound. At one point the daughter is wearing a sweater with the pattern of the Maryland flag on it? But the credits reveal all her outfits are by Chanel.

The Handmaid’s Tale (1990) dir. Volker Schlondorff

The score is closer to what I would expect from Sakamoto here, in a martial/industrial vein, though not exclusively. Stars Natasha Richardson, and her performance feels related to what she did in Patty Hearst — a depiction of a woman shutting down parts of herself for the sake of her own survival, displaying inner reserves of strength through the appearance of submission. This seems a lot better than the current Hulu show, although I think it’s largely dismissed? It’s been a while since I read the book so I can’t remember how many liberties it takes. Obviously there remain traces of an exploitation bent in a weird way, through depiction of women in dehumanized sexual contexts but I feel like this movie is good at depicting competition between women in the context of a rigged patriarchal system.

Merry Christmas Mister Lawrence (1983) dir. Nagisa Oshima

Never seen any of Oshima’s films, despite the allure of explicit sex in an artsy context. This has Sakamoto in it opposite David Bowie. There’s a lot of English language being spoken in a thick Japanese accent. David Bowie plays a prisoner of war Sakamoto, as a military officer, falls in love with and tries to keep from harm, his score does the heavy lifting of highlighting these emotions. Was not super-into this movie but it’s always interesting to think about how popular YMO were, and if these are the type of faces you enjoy looking at you can do that. Sakamoto’s got a weird hairline. The movie is fine considered in the context of like, 1980s movies (not my fave decade) that are period military dramas (not my favorite genre) and exist in this Japanese film context that is neither super-insane and exuberant in its style nor is it super-austere and minimal.

A Farewell To Arms (1932) dir. Frank Borzage

Very well-shot piece of romance, starring Gary Cooper and Helen Hayes, in an adaptation of a Ernest Hemingway novel I don’t remember whether or not I read in high school. Hemingway didn’t like it, maybe because there were a lot of changes, which confuses the issue of whether or not I know the source material further. I don’t like this movie as much as I liked History Is Made At Night but it makes a lot more sense as a narrative, easily reduced to a bare-bones plot: He’s in the army, she’s a nurse, people don’t want them to be together during World War I, he ends up deserting to be with her. Feels lush, romantic, dreamy and swooning, but I feel like the strengths are more in the cinematography than the characters — the leads are fine enough, though not super deep, beyond the depths of their love, but the supporting cast is a bit dull.

War Of The Worlds (2005) dir. Steven Spielberg

Feel like I had heard this one was good? I appreciate Tom Cruise in the Mission: Impossible movies, and Spielberg some of the time I guess. This is a blockbuster that feels post-9/11 in a way where I wonder what a post-Corona thing would feel like — feel like it would shy away from away from a lot of spectacle or something but probably I’m wrong about that. So this one focuses on a parent and his children making their way across an increasingly demolished landscape to make it to the other parent, alien monsters are in the way, kinda just seems logistically weird or like the premise of the quest is unsound given the stakes should probably just be survival? But maybe this is post-covid thinking of how such a thing would operate — the disaster picture with a “human element” to focus the narrative on is a decades-old form and one I don’t really get down with nor do I think is generally considered to age well - i.e. I don’t remember growing up with The Towering Inferno being on TV.

My Twentieth Century (1989) dir. Ildiko Enyedi

Weird Hungarian movie where like… angels/stars observe? As two twins are born in the late eighteen-hundreds and go on to have separate lives? One as an anarchist, the other as like a party girl type who seduces rich men. The latter gets more attention than the former. Sort of a fairy tale atmosphere, which makes the explicit sex scenes awkward. There’s also a scene where a guy gives a sexist lecture about how women should be allowed to vote even though they have no sense of logic and are obsessed with sex. He draws a dick on the chalkboard and talks about how women can’t understand beauty since they are obsessed with erections which are disgusting. Not really sure what it adds to the movie as a whole since I’m not sure which one of the two characters played by the same actress is meant to be watching it, but it’s funny. A lot of things are confusing about this movie, but it’s still sort of interesting and therefore worthwhile I guess. Apparently the director has a new movie on Netflix — I don’t have Netflix at the moment but might get it for a month or two in the future to catch up on assorted things like Sion Sono’s The Forest Of Love and the David Lynch content.

His Girl Friday (1940) dir. Howard Hawks

not into this one. Rosalind Russell wears a cool suit at first though. Features the thing where a male romantic lead (Cary Grant) is openly manipulative but it’s sort of viewed as fine and funny because the woman in question is confident and modern, which kinda feels like a fascinating view into the gender dynamics of the time, although I don’t think it works as a comedy as far as me being able to figure out what the jokes are. The journalists getting caught up in crime intrigue plot is cool though, that kind of feels like something that always works.

Lured (1947) dir. Douglas Sirk

Kind of have no idea why I watched all the older Douglas Sirk movies on the Criterion Channel at this point, even the ones I liked I don’t think I liked that much? This one stars Lucille Ball, who I don’t love. Other movies I watched recently that were partly comedies and partly suspense things worked better than this. This one’s about attractive young women disappearing and Lucille Ball getting hired by the police to be an undercover detective. She ends up finding love, but then the man she gets engaged to is framed for murder by the actual killer. Features scenes where the police (led by Charles Coburn, who’s fine in this) talk about how crazy Baudelaire was. Wouldn’t recommend.

Far From Heaven (2002) dir. Todd Haynes

Not sure I have any strong feelings towards Todd Haynes, but it seems likely I might end up watching a bunch of his movies eventually. This came out in high school, and I had no interest in it, but I’m more charitable towards the whole fifties melodrama thing it’s paying homage to now. Julianne Moore stars as a woman whose husband (Dennis Quaid) is gay and repressing himself via alcoholism, who strikes up a friendship with her black gardener, (Dennis Haysbert) which scandalizes her neighbors. The moments Moore and Haysbert spend together are maybe the most interesting - particularly them going to an all-black restaurant - but the aspect of them being watched and judged feels more cliched. Similarly, the stuff about Dennis Quaid’s homosexuality is most interesting as a lived-in thing, and his drinking, hitting his wife, etc., is less so. The veins of sensuality running through the movie are richer than the plot structure that unites them. This might be one of the things that makes Carol a superior movie.

The Violent Men (1955) dir. Rudolph Mate

This stars a bunch of people I don’t like — Glenn Ford, Edward G Robinson, Barbara Stanwyck is fine in other stuff but boring here. Dianne Foster plays her daughter, and that’s the meatiest role basically- she gets to denounce violent men. This is a western about a guy being pressured to sell his land for cheap. Criterion Channel programmed this as part of a series called “western noir” and I don’t know about this stuff. Foster’s character is definitely the most interesting part — her parents are essentially these gangsters running the town, her teen angst feels like it stems from an inherent morality and disgust with them. Stanwyck is cheating on Foster’s father (Robinson) with a guy I think is his brother who also enforces the violence. The mom tries to kill the father, and then is herself killed by a woman in love with the person she’s sleeping with, so the daughter, you would think, would go through a gamut of emotions. But she’s a totally secondary to Glenn Ford’s male lead, who she ends up riding off into the sunset with — he initially was involved in a relationship with a woman who didn’t care about his inherent morality in favor of a materialism, but she just sort of gets dropped from the narrative at a certain point. The movie really tries to play it both ways with regards to the violence, but I feel like that’s pretty common actually: While I feel like today the title might primarily be intended as an indictment, it also feels like at the time it was very much the sales pitch to the audience.

Shane (1953) dir. George Stevens

Classic western, about homesteaders just trying to live who end up needing to get in gunfights with people who want their land. Jean Arthur plays the wife and mother, which is why I sought it out (especially sicne she had established rapport with Stevens) but she’s barely in it. The titular Shane is a good dude who wanders through and ends up helping them out. The kid’s infatuation of Shane is really annoying to me personally. I love how this has two big fist-fights though, the second of which is a They Live style thing, a conflict between friends that becomes incredibly drawn out. The first fight is also just incredibly brutal and well-choreographed, probably the high point of the movie.

Cast A Deadly Spell (1991) dir. Martin Campbell

TV movie made for HBO with very Vertigo Comics energy, I started off thinking “this is dumb” but very quickly got on its side. It’s a riff on HP Lovecraft mythology set in a 1940s Los Angeles where everyone uses magic except for one private detective, whose name is Harry Lovecraft. Pretty PG-rated, some practical effects (not the best kind, more like gargoyle demon creature costumes I assume are made of foam), and a pretty easily foreseeable “twist” ending where the apocalypse is averted because the virgin sacrifice just lost her virginity to a cop. Not actually that clever but clever enough to work and be consistently enjoyable. Julianne Moore plays a nightclub singer. My interest in this is brought about because there’s a sequel (where I guess the deal is the detective does use magic, and no one else does) called Witch Hunt starring Dennis Hopper and directed by Paul Schrader.

Jennifer’s Body (2009) dir. Karyn Kusama

The climax of Cast A Deadly Spell shares a plot point with this, which I think is being reevaluated as a “cult classic” to what I assume is the same audience that valued the Scott Pilgrim movie: People ten years younger than me who think it’s charming when things are completely obnoxious. A lot of musical cues, all mixed at too loud relative to the rest of the audio, bad jokes. This tone does help power the whole nihilistic, I-enjoy-seeing-these-superfluous-characters-die aspect of the plot but the sort of emotional core of the horror is less present. This movie is basically fine, by lowered modern movies standards, but it’s perfectly disposable and not really worth valuing in any way. I watched Kusama’s movie Destroyer starring Nicole Kidman a year ago and don’t remember anything about it now.

Dead Ringers (1988) dir. David Cronenberg

Rewatch. I think for a while I would’ve considered this my favorite Cronenberg but nowadays I might favor eXistenZ? Jeremy Irons in dual roles as twin brothers, with different personalities, but who routinely impersonate each other, and whose lives begin to deteriorate as a relationship with a woman leads to them individuate themselves from each other. They’re gynecologists, and the whole thing is suffused with an air of creepiness. There’s this sense of airlessness to the movie, a sense of panic, which is present incredibly early on and just sort of keeps going, getting weirder and more uncomfortable as you become accustomed to it, that feels like a sure sign of mastery. I’m fascinated to think about how watching it in a crowd, or on a date, would feel. Most movies don’t operate like this.

Imagine The Sound (1981) dir. Ron Mann

Mann is the director of Comic Book Confidential, which I saw as a middle schooler. This is a documentary about free jazz, featuring interviews and performance footage. Paul Bley and Cecil Taylor are both shown playing solo piano, which isn’t my favorite context to hear them in. Bill Dixon and Archie Shepp say some cool stuff, there is some nice trio footage of Shepp with a rhythm section.

Born In Flames (1983) dir. Lizzie Borden

Easily the best movie I watched for the first time in the time period I’m covering in this post. I heard about this years ago but only seeing it now, when it feels super-relevant. It is shot in New York in the eighties, features plenty of documentation of the city as it was, but in the context of the movie, there has been a socialist revolution ten years earlier, and this film then documents the struggle of the women, particularly black women, who are slipping through the cracks, and fighting for the ongoing quest to make a utopia, but exist in opposition to the party in power. While focusing on black women, there’s also plenty of white women, also opposed to and more progre.ssive than the people in power, but that are having their own conversations which are very different. There’s also montage sequences of women performing labor that cut between women wrapping up chicken to close-ups of a condom being rolled onto a erect penis. The title song is by the Red Krayola, circa the Kangaroo? era where Lora Logic provided vocals. So yeah, this movie rules! It would be a good double-feature with The Spook Who Sat By The Door, though in a film school context, or a sociology context, you would need to do a great deal of groundwork first. Could also work as a double-feature with The Falls for how what you are seeing is the aftermath of a great sociological reshaping realized on a low-budget. I think I put off this movie I think because I was skeptical of the director’s self-conscious “artist’s name” but it turns out they got it legally named as a young child.

State Of Siege (1972) dir. Costa-Gavras

Also really good! Better than Born In Flames when considered in terms of its level of craft. Would make for a fine double feature with my beloved Patty Hearst. Tightly structured over the course of a week, leftist terrorists kidnap an American and interrogate him about what exactly he’s doing in their Latin American country that’s being run by death squads. He denies wrong-doing, but basically everything he’s done is already known to them. This exists in parallel to police interrogations of leftists. Pretty large scale, tons of characters, some basically incidental. Screenplay’s written by the guy who wrote Battle Of Algiers.

Olivia (1951) dir. Jacqueline Audry

French movie sort of about lesbian love at an all-girl’s boarding school that’s weird because everyone seems like they’re feeling homosexual love, but just for one instructor who eggs everyone on. Everyone acts weird in this one, basically. There’s a lot of doting. The atmosphere is pretty unfathomable to me. Chaste-seeming in some ways, but also like everyone is being psychologically tortured by being subject to the whims of each other, but also just rolling with it in this deferential way. Seems like it could feel “emotionally true” to a lesbian experience but only in highly, highly specific circumstances?

Lucia (1968) dir. Humberto Solas

Good score in this one, which is not that much like I Am Cuba but I feel obligated to compare them anyway - both are from Cuba and use this three-story anthology structure. All the stories in this movie revolve around different women named Lucia, in three different, historically important, time periods. The first is about a woman who falls in love with a man from Spain, during the time of Cuba’s war of independence, he says he doesn’t think about politics, but this is one lie among several. This ends with brutal sequences of war. The second takes place under the dictatorship of Gerardo Machado. The third takes place post-revolution, and is about a literacy coach teaching a woman to read and write under the eye of a domineering chauvinistic husband. As with I Am Cuba, it is the very act of considering these three stories together that brings out their propagandistic aspect, and makes them feel less like individual stories. They’re all beautifully shot, although it’s less in less of a show-offy way than I Am Cuba.

Mr. Klein (1976) dir. Joseph Losey

This one’s got a cool premise- About an art dealer, played by Alain Delon, who is buying art from Jews at low prices as they leave occupied France quickly, but who then starts getting confused for another person with the same name as him, who is Jewish. Gets sort of Kakfa-esque but also remains grounded in this world where there are rational explanations for things. (at least as far as the holocaust is rational) So the line gets walked between bits that feel vaguely verging on nightmare but also sort of maintain the plausible deniability of belonging to the waking world, of a paranoia for something the exact scope of which remains unnamed. Ends with Klein as one of many in a trainyard full of people being sent off to concentration camps, which to me felt sort of tasteless, as a large-scale recreation, but that feels deliberate, as a way of offsetting the scope of the film being primarily focused on one person, whose relationship to the larger horror, before it affected him, was parasitic.

Husbands (1970) dir. John Cassavetes

Not into this one. The semi-improvisatory nature of the dialogue never coalesces into characters that seem to have a real core to them, there’s always just this sort of drunken aggression mode. What even is there to these characters, besides the aggression they treat women with? What separates them from one another, makes them distinct entities, beyond the sense they egg each other on?

Casino (1995) dir. Martin Scorsese

Rewatch. Joe Pesci plays the violent Italian guy, Robert De Niro plays the level-headed Jew, Sharon Stone plays the blonde who gets strung out on drugs. Three hours long to contain everyone’s arcs, but also sort of feels like it neatly has act breaks at pretty close to the hour marks, while also telling this pretty big historical sweeping piece about how corporate control comes to Las Vegas, the notion that “the house always wins” but even the individual whose job it is to run the house is himself situated inside a larger house. Both here and in Raging Bull, De Niro plays a character whose third act involves trying to be an entertainer for reasons of ego, and it’s so weird. Yeah, a great movie, one of the few that the reductive view of Scorsese as “someone who just makes mob movies” applies to, I have no opinion on whether it’s better than Goodfella or not.

Blue Collar (1978) dir. Paul Schrader

Not great. Richard Pryor, Harvey Keitel, and Yaphet Kotto co-star. Sometimes feels like maybe it’s meant to function partly as a comedy but doesn’t. It’s also mostly a crime movie, about people working at an auto plant who decide to rob their union’s vault. They end up not making any money from that robbery, but the union can claim insurance funds, so they get to benefit while the working men continue to be shafted, worried about the consequences of what they’ve done. Kotto dies, and Pryor and Keitel are turned against each other by circumstance, which the film tries to play off as being about the divisions among people that keep the working class weak. I definitely feel like the Schrader oeuvre begins with Hardcore.

Mona Lisa (1986) dir. Neil Jordan

This ends up kind of feeling like a lesser version of Hardcore, with British accents. Bob Hoskins, out of jail, starts driving for a prostitute, they dislike each other at first,  but become friendly. She asks him to track down a younger girl she was friends with, who a pimp has gotten strung out on drugs. (Hoskins is also a father to a daughter, though his relationship with the mother is strained from having gone to prison.) Hoskins’ character isn’t that interesting and the film revolves around him, the female lead is more interesting but deliberately removed from the larger narrative. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a good Neil Jordan movie.

The Untouchables (1987) dir. Brian De Palma

Rewatch. Great Ennio Morricone score in this one, a real reminder of a different era in terms of what constituted a blockbuster or a prestige picture. David Mamet provides the screenplay. De Palma is pretty reined-in, while Mission: Impossible is an insane procession of sequences of top-notch visual storytelling, the most De Palma trademark thing here is a first-person perspective of a home invasion scene, watching Sean Connery, that ends up being a deliberate choice of a limited perspective to surprise as he gets lured to his death. I feel like there’s a straight line between this movie and Warren Beatty’s Dick Tracy (1990), but obviously what that line runs through is the reality-rewriting effect of Tim Burton’s Batman.

Pulp Fiction (1994) dir. Quentin Tarantino

Rewatch. Can scarcely comprehend how it would’ve felt to see this in a theater when it came out. I watched it the first time in college on a laptop and headphones and it blew me away, even after years of a bunch of it being referenced on The Simpsons and everywhere else. I haven’t seen it since. Rewatching is this exercise in seeing what you don’t remember when everything’s been processed a million times. Feels like Tarantino’s best screenplay due to its construction, more so than any dialogue, which is obviously a little in love with itself. Samuel Jackson wears a Krazy Kat t-shirt after his suit gets covered in blood. Quentin Tarantino casts himself as the white guy who gets to say the n-word a bunch.

[australian-desi]

Asur - Review/Reaction

Okay so I loved it! This show has changed me as a person somehow. But honestly speaking it was fucked (some people said more fucked than sacred games but I dont watch that so I dont have a reference). The background of Hindu mythology was used amazingly and holy shit the actors. Guys the actors need a round of applause coz they were simply amazing. I’m still shaking after watching the last episode I literally finished the show in 1.5 days so like safe to say I was hooked. I would also like to say that the show itself was very well paced, at no point did I think that the story was going too slow or too fast, everything was perfectly timed and perfectly revealed. I will be cutting this post for a more in-depth review - and after the cut everything are 

Also before you guys watch - this show is very dark - it depicts suicidal tendencies, gory murders and gruesome scenes - things that will make you lowkey vomit (I have a pretty high tolerance for these things so I was fine, but just in case you aren’t it’s good to know coz they spring those up on you) 

SPOILLLLERRRRSSSSS

Actors/Characters: 

Arshad Warsi as Dhananjay ‘DJ’ Rajpoot: This is the first time I’ve seen Arshad Warsi in a non-comic role, and I was honestly truly blown away. He was simply amazing. Now coming to character. The main message of this show was that ‘evil lives in all of us’. But the way they revealed it was quite phenomenal. DJ is shown to be the ‘innocent’ ‘good guy’ and how is was wrongfully framed for his wife’s murder, but is still working to find the actual serial killer - not because to save himself, but in order to save other people. It is then shown, that he had done something ‘bad’ ‘immoral’ and ‘wrong’ in his life - 10 years ago he caused a 15-year-old to go to jail rather than a juvenile detention centre for the murder of his father. He did this by faking his birth certificate and forging evidence - since there was no evidence to connect the child to the murder (but the audience knows that he did it). Thus, begins the game for his repentence. 

Barun Sobti as Nikhil Nair: So here’s the ting - I genuinely forget how good of an actor our boi is (don’t blame me I’ve spent the last 8 years, watching him go “what the” and “Khushi Kumari Gupta”, throwing anger fits and tantrums), but holy shit I was blown away. Barun has this ability to make his audience feel every emotion he’s going through - anger, sadness, despair, happiness, joy, relief - everything, he is a brilliant actor. Nikhil was an amazing character. He was an all-in-all protagonist. He had a loving relationship with his wife and a daughter that he loved very much. However, when he is kidnapped by the serial killer himself - he is given an option - to either let his wife and kid die, or become an accomplice to murder, where he meticulously plans the murder and the killer goes and does the job. He chooses the latter, thus, blurring the line between good and bad. It is also interesting considering the man that saved lives ended up taking them. The final test for him is when in order to save three hostages, he is asked to sacrifice his daughter. He does that and it is shown that due to the trauma they have faced, one of the hostages shoots the other, making Nikhil regret his decision instantly - the killer thus proving his point, human nature is evil, that even the good turn to evil in hardship. Nikhil blames DJ’s deeds for his daughter’s death, and Naina leaves him, blaming him for their daughter’s death. 

Ridhi Dogra as Nusrat Saeed: Nusrat is shown to be the ex-gf/ex-love etc. of Nikhil, before he left CBI without telling her about where he was going and for how long. In all these years she has been unable to move on from him and has replaced her love life with work as a forensics expert. She is shown to be very talented in her job and is shown to have a friendly relationship with everyone - although, in a hallucination, Nikhil is shown to feel guilty for what he did to her and deep down does love her, but loves his wife more 

Anupriya Goenka as Naina Nair: Naina is shown to be a doting mother, and a loving wife, who has issues that although her husband loves her very much, wants to rejoin the CBI, even if he has to leave her for it. She ends up going to him and is shown to be a very talented software engineer working in cyber-security. She then ends up helping the CBI in order catch the killer 

Vishesh Bansal as 15-year-old Shubh Joshi: This kid holy shit. I watched him in IPPKND as Aarav and some other serials here and there, but man he blew me away. Like I was sitting there shook half the time as to how can someone be this talented. Now Shubh Joshi was who this story was about - the asura, the rakshas, the one who was awaiting for Vishnu to return on this Earth to vanquish him. When Shubh’s mother was pregnant with him, his father the head priest wanted a ‘devta-like putra’ he wanted a god on the form of the Earth to the point, he made his kundli in advance and did not allow for his wife to give birth until the right month. He failed, as his wife slipped down the stairs, and ended up giving birth 2 days before he wanted her to. She gave birth in the month in which demons were said to be born. Thus, Shubh turned out to be extraordinary - he learnt how to walk at 2 days old, he was able to read the scriptures by the time he was 3, and had an IQ of above 160. His dad used to curse him, beat him, and call him an ‘asur’ to the point he started believing it. When his grandfather took him to the psychologist - he was diagnosed with autism, causing him to not have the same social skills and unable to connect with others as well as other kids. His father’s abuse caused his brain to become extremely violent, and it is then shown that he goes to a skeleton and breaks its index finger, then finding a dog and burning it alive, with no emotion. At 15 he poisons his father causing his father to fall into the river to his death - he drops the lota in which he was poisoning him with getting rid of the evidence. However, DJ sees this, and sees no remorse for his father’s death, he seems unaffected by it, and continues on his day as normal. DJ then fakes evidence and his birth report - causing him to go to jail rather than receive therapy and counselling for a better future. In jail he becomes a leader - he is able to convince people to let the evil in them take over the good because that’s what human tendency is. It is what we are meant to do and that those who do not entertain the evil in them, deserve to die. 

Amey Wagh as present-day Shubh Joshi: Gonna say it here - A+ casting. He looks exactly how you would expect Shubh Joshi to look when he is older. So Shubh Joshi is now a serial killer - who kills people from the horoscope of greatness, people who do good deeds - he does this to send a message to Vishnu to come on earth and now thinks of himself to be mighty and powerful as an asur should be. He is shown to now have a huge following to the point where Nikhil and DJ all think of him to look different, but he instead, is their coworker, Rasool Sheikh the hacker in the CBI. As he is quiet and aloof, no one suspects him, and thus, he is able to conduct these murders with absolute precision of planning. When Lolark finds out that he is the real Shubh, he ends up killing him, right after his child’s death and the CBI arrest the wrong Shubh who was shown to be Kesari - the first follower of Shubh in jail. The show ends when Shubh looks deep into DJ’s eyes reminding him of his 15-year-old self, causing DJ to realise he is indeed the real Shubh. 

The rest of the cast and crew were equally amazing but I just mentioned the main ones otherwise we’ll be here for days 

Things I liked: 

I loved the use of Hindu mythology, they also narrated some stories in Shubh’s POV questioning whether the gods were always right - was Vishnu right into tricking the asur’s into their death for no reason, was Krishna right, knowing about the war and not being able to stop it? 

Also loved how in depth the characters were - Shubh was horrible in what he did, but by writing in a way that if the things that happened to him hadn’t had happened owing to his developmental disorder he would’ve been a ‘good’ person. 

The fact that it wasn’t Shubh’s complete fault that he thought this way, and the fact he had autism + the system really failing him showed us that not all bad people are born bad - sometimes situations make them that way. And some don’t even know the difference between the right and wrong choice - what if some people do truly think evil is bad. 

I loved the concept of the main protagonists being good people but being pushed to embrace the evil - especially when Nikhil, who thought he did a good deed by saving the hostages to prove to Shubh that inherently good people do truly exist and he sees one of the hostages kill the other - truly shakes this belief. It shows that even after being forced to accomplice to murders - he still had hope, a hope that was brutally crushed 

I loved the cast as well, they all had good chemistry and Barun and Arshad were amazing. 

Things I disliked: 

The female characters weren’t explored at all. Nusrat’s whole arc revolved around Nikhil and finding the killer’s. There were some episodes where she wasn’t even there. And a lot of her character was an accessory to Nikhil’s and DJ’s characters. On the other hand, Naina’s character was only a mother and a wife. In fact she joins the CBI to help them find her husband, she isn’t even leading the investigation or anything. Also in the first half of the show she was truly very annoying and just deserved better in general rather than just being the parallel love interest. They should’ve done more with the female characters. What was stopping them from being as brilliant or as great as the male characters. Nikhil and DJ were described as geniuses and out of this world. While Nusrat just helped. 

The amount of Shuddh hindi - I know he’s a pandit’s son and his whole thing is religion he will talk in Shuddh hindi. But honestly, I wish they gave english translations or show it with pictures or something else coz it was very very very hard for me to understand some things and I lost a lot of context 

That is all - enjoy this review hopefully I didn’t spoil the whole show (I definitely did), and have a great day

[coraliefm]

hi everyone !  i’m so, so excited to roleplay with you all !  this is coralie, an old muse of mine and 1/2 of my children. feel free to like this and i’ll come to you for plotting (or i can message you on d*sco) !

** ✰ ––– son naeun. cis female. she/her // you don’t know ? that’s CORALIE SONG ! they’re a TWENTY SIX year old musician from MANHATTAN, NY. as part of manhattan’s elite, the reveller is known to be CREATIVE & HISTRIONIC. most people recognize them by statement necklaces, diamond chokers, discarded champagne bottles, sobbing down the phone at 2.a.m. ( elle, 22, bst, she/her )

abuse tw, plastic surgery tw

coralie was four when she moved to the u.s.a, her parents didn’t have much when they first moved to l.a. they saw their daughter as a money making opportunity so did everything they could to get her an audition to become the next big thing. they made her watch television constantly so her english would be better, so that she could communicate with others with ease as well as make them money. she didn’t mind learning; it came easy to her. the fact she was a pretty child meant she secured her first role at five and was a season regular on a tv show by six (that would go on for 15 seasons).

"the generation house" that would run for eight seasons and it would be shot in new york city. coralie was given the part of philippa ‘pippa’ cho, a main character. the money quickly came in and her parents were so proud of her.their finances had sky-rocketed because of the girls' success.

it became clear to the girl throughout her teenage years that her mother and father loved her because they wanted the money and in rebellion, she tried to quit. however, her cast members frequently reminded her of how much fun they had on set and although the days were long, she couldn’t argue with that. her director was more of a parent to her than her own. they saw her as a person and not as a human atm machine. coralie never saw a cent of money she made before she turned 18. once she did, she completely cut them off. they would come back every so often begging her but she has been known to be quite ruthless with them.

preferring to keep things private and sometimes cor’s fame scared her; the girl grew up in the public eye and she heard negative things about her, some of which were true and some of which were smear campaigns orchestrated by haters. she practically grew up in the public eye; she was one of america’s sweethearts in her time. where she didn’t get love from her parents, she’d get it from the public and she liked that aspect of fame, however, it was less welcomed by her when it was negative.

by the time she had finished shooting “the children of years”, coralie was eighteen and she was looking for something more substantial. however, the transition from child star to actress was very hard; no one could get past her previous roles, that were light-hearted and comedic. her only option was to go in to the independent film industry, to get down to the nitty-gritty, the meaningful and artistic films and some got recognition while some didn’t even make a final cut.

it was deflating to be pushed in to the background after so much work in her early years. it worried her because she hadn’t had to time to get a proper education, she hadn’t gone to school and appeared to have made no actual friends; most of the cast members that she had worked with had gone their separate ways; most of the child actors were either in rehab or had quit as they decided that it wasn’t for them.

her parents twisted the story and went to the papers, giving it their last shot to get some cash out of her. it also dragged down her reputation and she was no longer america’s sweetheart. it was very hard for her to accept that some people didn’t love her like they used to, considering the public was where she turned to for love. she would say that she doesn’t care about it so much now but that’s simply not the case. she’s alone and blames herself for shunning them to begin with.

shortly after, coralie turned to a life of partying as well as a music career. she had found it difficult to get interesting work and hadn’t really had any passion for acting anyway seen as she was forced into it. she came back with a brand new image the good girl gone bad , the rebel without a cause . the best way it can be described is lady gaga’s the fame era meets rihanna’s good girl gone bad. people were seeing her in a different light and while some were disgusted, her music was catchy, autotuned at times but people thrived on it. she couldn’t have asked for a better debut in the music industry.

she managed to complete her first world tour, even though the girl was exhausted and in a really bad headspace. she went big, every single time and that was going to take its toll. although she likes to believe that she makes her own decisions, her record company has just filled the void of her parents in a negative way. they’re using her for money and she’s tired - it’s getting to a point where it’s starting to show.

living in a penthouse in manhattan was great for the aesthetic. she was a girl that had come from nothing who had been working since she was five years old. however, it was the epitome of loneliness and she doesn’t want to feel like that. it lead to her crying down to her employees about how trapped she felt and how isolating it was. people kept talking about her and she’d do the unimaginable to try and keep up. a few months ago she even went as far to get her nose done but has neither confirmed nor denied the rumors in the papers.

she has started to do things for attention; she does like the attention, whether it be positive or negative as that means someone still has an interest in her and she hasn’t been forgotten about.

coralie puts on a tough front and she does well until she reaches her boiling point and completely breaks down. she feels so used by the industry but it’s all she’s ever known and has nothing and no one to fall back on. she is still a child when it comes to showingemotions and she demands attention from others by doing it.

she’s very active on social media. it comes across as quite narcissistic but her friends enjoy it. she’s a performer. coralie isn’t the most amazing vocalist to ever live but she knows how to put on a good show; she always goes out and does her best, wanting to give her fans the best performance possible. however, if she’s at all slack, it means that something’s going on with her.coralie finds it easy to get brand endorsements / campaigns because of her looks. however, she knows full well her company see her as a beautiful money maker and that’s all.although her life is a mess, she’s proud that she’s achieved so much… mostly alone.

people can tell that she’s a former child star and now pop star as she’s egocentric - the whole world feels like it revolves around her . she can be histrionic but it’s her form of acting out. she is chaotic but she does have a heart of gold. facades always fade with her and she can’t keep them up for long because it exhausts her. she just wants to be loved!

she speaks english,spanish (almost fluent), korean (as she’s forgotten most of it since she cut off her parents) and french (basic).

i’m open to everything! from friends, frenemies, fans, ex-fans, mentors, gym buddies, friends with benefits, drinking buddies, someone who takes her out to do normal stuff like shopping, acquaintenances from her time in the industry, people who she’s mistreated/been a diva with in the past, someone who she fights with a lot due to her entitled attitude, the list goes on !  give this a little like and i’ll come to you!

[nerdylittleshit]

Thoughts about Spn 15x06

BEWARE! SPOILERS AHEAD!

Uff. What an episode. As we are in the final season everything that happens now feels much more significant. Once again the actual monster plotline (in both storylines) feels just like a means to an end, with the focus on the characters and their relationship with each other. Just like Becky said, the interesting part are the characters, not the monsters. This episode focused more on Sam, specifically his relationship with both Rowena and Eileen, and how both could be important for his future. Meanwhile Cas’s storyline was overshadowed by his recent break up with Dean. The Chuck storyline was on hold, given our boys time to reflect on their recent past.

But, as always, let’s take a closer look.

Fish ‘n’ Clarence

I was curious to see what Cas is up to, because for the first time in a long time he is without a mission. He cut ties with heaven, he thinks Chuck is out of the picture, and he is on break from his new family, the Winchesters, as well. I expected him to still hunt, to still do some good, because that is what Cas does, so I was surprised to see that he is on a break, renting a cabin, spending his days fishing, something Dean enjoys, so clearly he is still on Cas’s mind. It is obvious that Cas is still hurt, from the way he retreats himself, or as Melly said taking yourself out of the game. He makes it look like this is work related as well, but it goes deeper. His expression during his conversation with Dean was that of a jilted lover. He hasn’t read Sam’s messages, or answered his calls, knowing that Sam would ask him questions he is not ready to answer yet. Dean on the other hand expresses his worries, despite everything. Everything about that scene was framed in the way of two people having to talk each other after they broke up; not like two friends or family members who recently had a big fight. And on the other side we had Sam, who had to deal with both Rowena and Eileen, two women he has (subtextual) romantic connections too. A parallel that obviously would not work if we aren’t meant to read Dean and Cas as a romantic couple as well. Everyone is haunted by their (ex) lovers.

The Sheriff, who turned out to be a djinn, is an obvious parallel to Chuck. A man in position of power, who abuses said power, by covering up his own crimes. Cas explicitly calls him out for that, telling him that his power won’t protect him from Cas. Other people smarter than me have already written lots of meta about Cas role in season 15, from Becky explicitly calling out Chuck for not including Cas in his story, and that is ignorance might be Chuck’s downfall. Chuck is so focused on Sam and Dean, that he totally underestimates Cas’s power, the original rebel and breaker of rules. Cas is the embodiment of free will. And in all of Sam’s visions so far (Chuck’s possible endings), Cas played no role. Because in the original events it was Cas who helped preventing that one brother would kill the other. And now Cas has realized that taking yourself out of the game won’t change the game. The only way to defeat Chuck is to become active again. To stop someone else who abuses his power.

Some other things I noticed about Cas: he used the alias ‘Clarence Worley’, a character from the movie “True Romance”. It is possible he simply used the alias because ‘Clarence’ is an alias he used before (and the name Meg had given him). My personal headcanon is however that Dean made him watch “True Romance”, perhaps even explicitly pointing out that one of the characters is named Clarence and it stuck with Cas.  

Once again we see someone shooting Cas, to no effect, reminding us of his angelic nature. And yet, moments later we see Cas healing someone, and how it seems to drain him, something we have also seen before. It might be because heaven is still running on low energy or because Chuck’s weakened state influences the angels as well, we don’t know yet.

And lastly Cas told Melly that monsters are real, just like Dean did last episode with “Ashley”. It is obviously not the first time they told civilians the truth, but I still think it is odd how regularly they do this now.

And don't be afraid of the ghost of love (It'll haunt you as long as you want)

Sam is haunted not by one but two of his (subtextually) lovers. Though I found it oddly touching how much trust both Rowena and Eileen put in Sam. Rowena made sure that only Sam would be able to enter her apartment and obtain her possessions (though perhaps Dean would have been able as well). Eileen reached out to Sam after her death. Sam of course feels responsible for both of those deaths; directly for Rowena’s death as he was the one who killed her (despite her consent) and indirectly for Eileen, who died simply because she knew the Winchesters. It is quite telling then that after an episode that deals with characters haunted by their past we finish it with a woman coming back from the dead, undoing at least one of Sam’s traumas.

Eileen, just as Kevin, landed in hell despite being innocent, and just like him she therefore can’t go to heaven. It implies that this might be a bigger issue, that there are more than just two innocent souls, who do belong in heaven, but are now stuck on earth. The spell Sam uses only works once, because we learn that once Death sees a loophole she closes it (speaking of Death, when will we see Billy, and hopefully Jack, again?).

The way Sam found the page with the spell, by coincidence, reminded me of 7x17, the way Dean accidently found the number of a hunter who would lead him to Emmanuel/Cas, though we later found out it was Bobby’s ghost helping him. So perhaps Rowena’s ghost helped as well? The spell however is not finished and it is interesting to see that Sam by now knows enough about witchcraft to finish it. Sam even reminded us that Rowena was perhaps the most powerful witch, we know how complex her spells usually are, so this means something. And hopefully we will see more of witch!Sam in the future, because that role suits him.

Once again we also have another pair of siblings, that are meant to parallel Sam and Dean, though the parallel does not work out. Sam thinks he can bond with Emily over their older siblings, but where Dean only teased Sam, Jacinda straight out abused her younger sister. Sam offers her a way out, but Emily refuses and instead uses for once the chance to cause pain on somebody else; the abused becomes the abuser. While Emily did not kill her sister she does not wish for her to come back to life either. Yet she can’t withstand her mother; she is unable to break free from her toxic family and in the end all three women are dead. Unlike Sam and Dean, who have learned from their past, and their toxic relationship has developed over the years to a much healthier one.

On a short note, two of the witches are played by actresses who have appeared on the show before, the witch mother and Emily. The actress who played Emily even appeared in season 1 (episode 1x19), back then a child, now a young woman, a nod to how long the show has been on the air. We already had other actors this season who had guest stared before on the show (the couple from 15x04 had appeared – also as a couple – in 1x08) and by now this re-castings feel deliberate, little nods to the long past of the show.

Like I mentioned before we finish the episode with one of the ghosts haunting Sam becoming a living person again: Eileen. There was something quite intimate about the scene, though I didn’t think the fact that Eileen was naked made the scene sexual charged; it was a symbol for her rebirth. But she shared that moment with Sam, she started her new life with him and he is the one who brought her back to life. If they (hopefully) end up as a couple this is quite some story to tell. And yet another parallel to Dean and Cas. Cas brought Dean back from the dead as well, he raised him from perdition.

Sam and Dean still think quite different how to move on, now that they know Chuck is back. Just like Cas Sam thinks that you can’t change the game if you are not part of the game. He still thinks they have a choice, that they can break the rules, that Chuck can’t control everything (like Sam shooting him). Dean feels trapped, wondering what is real and what is not, despite Cas’s answer (“We are”). With both Sam and Cas ready to become masters of their fate again I think it is only a matter of time until Dean finds his spirit again. At least I hope so.

Until then <3