#when a Shepard and a Joker love each other very much

[omegastation]

Musings about Liara & grief post Thessia

I know we appreciate characters in our own way, and what would frustrate me would not frustrate someone else. But Liara post Thessia has often been talked about as selfish and focused on her own pain, ignorant and/or dismissive of everything that happened to others before. I disagree, because every single time - for every loss - she has shown empathy. Even on Thessia, when her own planet was dying, she tried to put her own hand on Shepard’s shoulder as if to comfort them. And that’s one example. I truly think Liara cares a lot, even too much sometimes.

But really there are many things to consider:

We truly don’t know how we react to things until it happens to us. It’s one thing to have empathy for others, but you truly grasp the horror when it’s done to you. It’s one thing to see another species being deformed and changed by Reaper tech, but seeing features that are your own, familiar to you, being torn apart in front of you? That’s something else. Seeing a planet destroyed, you feel empathy. Your own planet and civilization? What are you supposed to do next? Liara does things, that’s how she fixes what isn’t working. But facing this kind of devastation, what’s the next step?

Liara post Thessia is not just grieving people. She’s also dealing with all the revelations regarding the protheans. I think, in the conversation with Javik, that her anger is misdirected, and he knows it, and he takes care of it in the best way possible. But she’s angry because: 

The asari probably didn’t achieve the excellence she believed they ought to achieve to save the cycle

She hints that she believed they would be protected and didn’t help them as much as she thinks she should have

Her research and career feel like a joke to her 

Her mother hid things from her 

Her entire species hid a big secret that, if known, might have changed the galaxy and this cycle’s future 

There's a lot of guilt and shame in her post Thessia. It's not self-righteous anger. It's never been about that.

And thankfully, Shepard reminds her that she can still do things to help people. That's the moment right there with her face full of tears:

She finds the will to go on, gets up and tries to help the refugees.  She thanks Shepard.

For this moment, I think she’s allowed the tears, because grief can be so devastating. Getting up at all is already a big step. But I don't think there's any moment there where she believes her pain is worse than anyone else. And her pain doesn't take away from others, it doesn't mean everyone else isn't in pain! I don't think ME3 is trying to tell us that. The opposite in fact.

Earlier Tali is found near the wall with all the names of the people they lost, Legion is added there. Garrus has found his family is safe, but it doesn't mean he doesn't have tough choices to make. Joker talked about his family and Reapers going to destroy the colony they live in. They're all allowed their moment of grief and triumph. Liara's deepest grief is just at that moment. And she's not the only one being comforted. Garrus and Tali both really worry about Liara, but they each have reassuring words for Shepard post Thessia. Joker and Anderson are focused on taking care of Shepard as well.

People need people, and they're all dealing with grief in their own way. They also all love each other very deeply and it shows. That's my conclusion post Thessia.

[dragonflight203]

Some thoughts as I replay Mass Effect 1:

-Hackett is one of the ones to recommend Shepard as a spectre. No wonder he feels comfortable calling them up for missions through the game. He probably feels Shepard owes them a few.

-One of Joker's first lines is that he doesn't like having spectres on board. That tune changes quite quickly.

-The game eases into aliens. For the few couple of hours the player only interacts with humans and one turian. Another turian is shown in a cutscene. Geth, which are basically advanced robots, are enemies you can kill without guilt. It's not until the citadel that the game really embraces alien diversity. Bioware's wariness on how comfortable players would be about aliens shows very clearly.

-During the Eden Prime drop scene Kaidan is the one to ask about survivors. Of course he is. Kaidan, you paragon.

-Everyone learned about aliens in school. Everyone is an adult. First contact was 30 odd years ago. How exactly did the curriculum get updated so quickly that everyone learned about this in school? Bioware, your timelines make me cry.

-Manuel definitely got hit by the beacon at some point. Interesting that he also saw Saren, but his speech is so confusing no one realizes he's talking about a second turian.

-Nihlus may feel differently about humans than Saren, but he is Saren's student. He skipped all the survivors and made a beeline to the beacon. He's not cruel, but he is efficient. The beacon is the priority.

-Nihlus, we hardly knew ya. Every time I replay it's always surprising how short his screen time is. And those faces when he interacts with Saren... Bioware did a very good job on making him nonhuman but still recognizably expressive. The difference in facial expressions between ME1 and MEA are light years.

-Benezia is clearly used to Saren's tantrums. She dodged like it's something she does on a regular basis.

-Kaidan, about informing the Council about Saren: "Makes sense. They'd probably like to know he's not working for them anymore." Love this man.

-Kaidan only gets migraines. Having experienced one recently, that's a big only. And he's soldier that's frequently in combat. I hope the future has excellent pain killers.

-For this playthrough I'm planning to have Tali and Liara as companions, so I'm skipping everything on the Citadel that isn't necessary or unique to the first visit until I pick them up. It makes the game feel quite different. I usually spend hours on the Citadel during my first visit; this time I'm leaving quite quickly.

-Pallin's skepticism about humanity makes more sense when Harkin is considered. Harkin was the first human in C-Sec, he's corrupt as hell, and humanity did a lot behind the scenes to protect him. Pallin's big on following the law no matter what. No wonder he's not impressed by humanity.

-Anderson has extreme tunnel vision about Saren. From the minute he's mentioned he's convinced Saren's behind it and he's doing it solely out of hatred of humanity. He repeatedly brings this up.

Meanwhile, in the game I get the vibe that Saren doesn't care about humanity too much. He doesn't like them, he might antagonize them if the opportunity comes up, but they're not worth the bother to put actual effort into tormenting. Humanity just isn't that important to him.

-Love those silent interactions between council members where they just look at each other. Again, the difference between ME1 and MEA is stark.

-Going by the Geth core Tali retrieved, Saren considers Eden Prime a victory. The tantrum he threw indicates otherwise. Does he really consider it a victory, or is that just a speech he gave to motivate the Geth?

-At this time, I'm not convinced Anderson believes in the Reapers. He still thinks it's Saren, he just doesn't think it's worth debating Shepard on it.

-I genuinely like Udina as a character. I'd hate to be around him, but he's determined to do a good job, pragmatic, and truly devoted to humanity. Also nice to have someone around who pushes back against Shepard. ME3 wastes him.

-Garrus mentions that he rose in the ranks through C-Sec. What was his actual rank? Detective or the like, I presume. Pallin knows who he is, and that's impressive considering the number of officers there are. Even with Castis as a father.

-Tali mentions Quarian overseers to the Geth when speaking to Shepard. The game definitely pushes the slavery parallels with the Geth, even in ME1. "Overseer" is not the first term I'd use for supervising machinery. Or maybe that's the American cultural bias showing through.

-Everyone info dumps in ME1. Everyone. Enjoyable, but a bit exhausting at the start of the game when it feels continuous.

-Liara in ME1 is a completely different character than in ME2 and ME3. I'm hesitant to consider the change natural growth. It's a shame, because ME1 Liara has quite a bit of potential. They didn't need to rework her character for the later games.

-First time playing on Insanity, and I'm surprised at the lack of trouble I've had so far. Everyone says the battle with the krogan at the end of Therum is difficult, but I only died once. I might regret this later, when I get to the Uncharted worlds...

Edit: Fix spellings

[stormikins]

Mass Effect Trilogy Tag

tagged by @nowandthane thank you!! Warning I ramble a bit in this lol

I am a fan since: 2017, I got it for Christmas in 2016 so I always just say '17

Favorite Game of the series: By virtue of simply replaying it the most, three. I really love the combat in it so I've played it near thirty times? But all time fave would have to 1 because of the aesthetic, tone, and story. There's something about first discovering a world which is what me1 is about.

MShep or Femshep? Gotta go with Femshep. I have played both, its just hard to capture the male shepard image I have in my head in the character creator so Femshep it is.

Earthborn, Colonist, or Spacer: earthborn! My main Shepard Jenn is earthborn so that's what I'm going with. Though, I have numerous Shepard's are various background combinations. I have feelings about each background trust me

Biotics or tech: Both! Though I really do love biotics, you can do some cool stuff with them, setting up and detonating both biotic and tech explosions.

Paragon or Renegade: I have to repeat what nowandthane said, paragon choices, renegade dialogue.

Favorite Class: Sentinel. I love the versatility of the class, but I do have an affection for Infiltrator because that's what got me through me2 on insanity.

Favorite Companion: Tali. By story value, Javik. He's like one of the most important characters

Least Favorite Companion: Javik, throw your attitude out the airlock. IM JOKING! (he has every reason to be like he is. I love him very much) Liara is my answer though only because I don't like some of the story choices the devs did with her. (ex: why does she have Shepard's armor in a display case when i didn't even romance her??? I can't mention this at all??)

My squad selection: For Jenn's playthrough: Wrex/Tali in me1. Garrus/Mordin/Miranda generally in me2. Thane and Miranda/Samara for the collector base. Kaidan/Javik/James in me3. Of course, I mix it up based on story aspects and the difficulty settings. But me3 is pretty fixed bc I always play on insanity.

Favorite in-game Romance: Tali and Garrus. I'm a sucker for awkward, wet cat of a man like Garrus is. But Tali's romance man.... her parting line to Shepard during the beam run "I have a home" makes me insane actually

Other pairings I like: Obligatory Nihlus/Shepard/Kal (and the duos within in this throuple) mention here. Other than that, Joker/Miranda and Joker/James, Ashley/Garrus, and Shepard/Wrex, I could list a whole lot so I'll keep it to those ships lol

Favorite NPC: Nihlus and Kal'Reegar for sure. Victus and of course Niftu Cal our favorite biotic god.

Favorite Antagonist: Saren. He's the best one that we get in all three games (Harby could have been number one if they did anything with him in three but that's a rant for another time lmao)

Favorite Mission: Haestrom/Tali's Loyalty mission because that's when I get to see Kal <3 and blow up a colossus with the Cain. Also, the Collector Ship mission I have to mention because it's frankly the only mission besides the two previously stated where I've loaded up the save to play it on insanity when I'm bored. It's fun. Of course, this is with the Infiltrator.

Favorite Loyalty Mission: Tali for numerous reasons. Kal mention here. But I love the insight into Quarian culture we get. Also we see that fire in her when she's talking to the Board which I always appreciate. Along with her dialogue at the end, "I got better, Shepard. I got you." and then on the ship afterwards, "I don't think life is about what we deserve." I love her so much.

Favorite DLC: Leviathan. Only because of the horror aspect.

Control, Sythesis, or Destroy? Destroy. I have so many issues with the ending and that's the least worst option in my opinion so. (I too ignore that it wipes out the Geth and Edi fuck that)

Favorite Weapon: The M-90 Cain or the M-99 Saber aka the "Big Iron". Lancer in three was my favorite weapon before I found the Saber. Special mention to my bud the Mattock, I have been convinced of its glory. I do not think the Harrier is better anymore lol which my brother would be happy to hear

Favorite Place: me1 Citadel my BELOVED.

A quote I like Quotes I Like: The ENTIRETY of Sovereign's dialogue on Virmire GOD ITS SO GOOD!!!! / "Stand in the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honor matters. The silence is your answer." / "Does this unit have a soul?" / "Just followed your example, Shepard. Yell loud enough and eventually someone will come over to see what all the fuss is about." / "I won't let fear compromise who I am." / "I MADE A MISTAKE!" / "Help me out here, Shepard. The line between friend and foe is getting a little blurry from where I stand." / There are so many great quotes in these games I could go on and on but I'll stop myself

No pressure tags: @spacebunshep @jtownnn

[sol-consort]

Do you hope the next mass effect will have the original Normandy crew or do you want a new protag and new companions?

(Also wanted to let u know, there's a game in the works by old bioware veterans called exodus: become the Traveler. Appreantly its gonna be a lot like mass effect with a big focus on companions and choices, and the original writer Drew who wrotr mass effect is also involved I think and many other bioware veterans from the golden days of bioware. I realy hope exodus and mass effect 4 wont dissapoint.)

I'm hoping for a new crew. I love the OG gang but ME3 showed me that almost all of them are used to this by now, they've become jaded and they each have their own spot in the galaxy to fullfill that we're stealing them from.

I'd love for them to do their own thing as we get occasional updates, and maybe they join as an extra companion in a mission or two, like how Wrex was in the citadel dlc.

I'd love to see Liara command a group of assassins as the shadowbroker that come to our aid. Garrus with his own special unit and ship that has a special room just for calibrations. Ashley and Kaidan preforming their individual spectre duties and having this friendly competition with Shepard.

All except Joker. Because Joker and Shepard feel like a package deal. There is no Shepard without Joker and no Joker without Shepard. Would love for EDI to be there but again, she deserves to actually go out and explore the universe and what it means to have a soul, not just stay glued under Joker's wings all her life.

Because there is so much potential for new companions! Maybe we get a reaper one? Maybe an asari matriarch? A female krogan? Humans who are the best of the best with their own individual quirks and personalities that were given to join the crew of the commander Shepard.

Hell, even a hanar! Maybe a volus, too. I still can't forget Thane's description of how deadly hanar are in water. Maybe a new species joins, and humanity isn't the new kid anymore. Maybe we even get to show off as this new species looks up to us for guidance bc we speedran getting a seat at the council. I'd love a batarian crew memeber.

I'd love to see more conflict. An asari civil war. A turian and salarian disagreement about who should be held accountable for the genophage that turns deadly quickly. For once I want it not to be the humans who are fucking shit up and have to call others for help.

Maybe even dealing with a blackhole problem. Like how that one sun Tali was investigating began aging quickly. A disease or something spreads that makes stars every wear age at an alarmingly rate and the whole of the milky way is threaten to be swallowed by blackholes from these sun and we have to defy physics and stop it somehow.

Or just a normal adventure without a galaxy wide threat yk? Something lowkey where you can take it easy at times and indulge in luxury or comfort rather than tighten your belt for the upcoming war in ME3. Discovering new planets, saving people and doing side fun side quests. Let us explore the world we saved goddammit! I want to see more of Thessia and we didn't even get to land on palavan!

Beach party at hanar homeworld let's go!! Using water guns against your crew and having a friendly match.

Also Shepard shines more when surrounded by new people who are impressed by you. Think of Brooks before the reveal, wasn't she endearing and made you feel special? Wasn't that how meeting Cornard in ME1 made you feel? Same with the interviewer?

Like imagine a bunch of side quests where you have to deal with your fame and the problems it causes. Because especially after the Citidal dlc, Shepard became a famous gamer with a record only you held. Now you're not just popular with military people but most of the common people.

Having to disguise yourself while shopping for groceries. Being asked for autographs at very inappropriate times. The hanar harassing you about Javik. It should be lighthearted and only happen during these side quests so it doesn't become annoying.

I want to see Shepard relax and be appreciated dammit! I'm tired of war. If one happens, it shouldn't be human related so that we don't feel necessary to go intervene.

Tho I think they should let you keep your romance around. Would love to get to import ME3 save. And ME4 starts with you recovering in a hospital. They did say that Shepard was already part synthetic right? So it makes sense to be able to repair them no matter how bad the damage even without Cerberus.

And it was Miranda who led the project last time, so maybe she could do it again since she got on good terms with the alliance or she gave her information to Liara in case she died.

What I would absolutely hate is a drastic time skip where Liara wakes you up and is like "Shepard, it's been 100 years" or some bullshit like NO. FUCK YOU.

Another fucking time skip? Where everyone thinks I'm dead again??? And all my loved ones died?? NO. BAD LIARA BAD.

If you want some feature timeskip nonsense then let the WHOLE crew join me. Maybe Joker accidentally steers the ship into a wormhole and we end up in the future. As long as everyone Is inside the Normandy when it happens then I'm fine with it. At least this time around we would get some catharsis while proving we're not dead again in front of the same companions who were mad at us for being dead.

Also I'd like more character creation options that influences lore and isn't just cosmetic? Like the background one or the psychology one.

It'd be cool if we got to pick one during each game to determine what Shepard has been up to while we weren't here. In ME4 maybe we get to decide if we setteled down and tried to have a family or if we kept exploring and fighting during the character creation before the game begins.

I don't want it to effect much besides stray dialogue and callbacks, maybe a special quest or two.

The biggest problem tho is the ending. I don't know how they're going to make ME4 without establishing one canon ending for ME3. In which case it sucks and makes the whole endgame choice feel pointless if it was predetermined from the beginning.

And if it wasn't predetermined but imported, then I don't see how it won't drastically change the game. They'd have to make 3 seperate whole games. One where we're hugging and kissing reapers, another where they don't exist.

But like ME2 having an ending where Shepard dies. Probably the only way to import your ME3 save is if you picked the red ending where it's the only one where Shepard lives.

That'd be disappointing but I get it. From a dev perspective I see why it would save them so many headaches.

There is also the possibility to play as another companion or a whole different person? Maybe we try to resurrect our space jesus Shepard? Maybe we're Liara as a Matriarch? Who knows.

Gonna keep it real. I don't wanna play as an asari. Literally okay with any other race. Because I saw how disgusting and weird other npcs get around asari and I don't want to be subjected to that sexual harassment again. The constant flirting gets very old quickly.

Otherwise asari seem really cool and it's a shame they aren't explored much besides "hot alien race"

I talked a lot man, I have to go to my doctor's appointment. Ah I hate doctors.

Anyway I did check the game you mentioned!

WE ARE AN ENGINEERED CHILD? FUCK YEAH!!! WE ARE SPECIAL WOO.

so much trauma potential! Just like Miranda.

It also follows a similar plot to Andromeda from what I've seen? We were in cryosleep for so long while travelling to another place and exploring?

There is also the rot thing, and apparently, we are the only cure. Makes me think if we're gonna play more of a healer saviour role rather than a war hero.

The mech suits look so fucking good, I hope we get the option to pilot one constantly like that one revealed companion.

I do like that we have established parents, please do not kill off my dad this time around :( please. But it leaves less room for customization and background ah. I'd hate it if we couldn't even design our own character and had to use premade ones.

It seems cool so far! Imma keep tracking its progress. The last update was 7 days ago and the devs are open about answering questions. It's a new title so they'll have to make new aliens and such, I hope they end up good.

I mean in a space game, it is the aliens that make or break the game. You either end up with high on life aliens or mass effect aliens.

I don't like the idea of having to re-explore parts about earth history because the player already knows all of that. I don't want to spend an entire quest just to dig up a gameboy or something and have these characters gawk and make bad guesses at what it is. It feels cheap to piggyback off of nostalgia and misunderstanding humour. Every character turning into Ariel and brushing their hair with a fork.

Or are we talking ice age, pyramids and such? It'd be more tolerable then but...also the players are familiar with these things in other games who milked the concepts.

I don't want humans reacting to past human inventions, I want aliens doing it at at least or just give me a whole new world to explore. Why are we so stuck in the past?

But maybe this is special to this one recently revealed character, in which case that's fair. It's a character and their quest is probably optional, plus that will definitely appeal to some people.

My hope is that they realise no one wants to do these massive collection quests in these planets with a massive map and please skip the fluff and stuffing. I'd rather the effort goes into handmade quests like in BG3 rather than "scan 50 plants because fuck you"

Yes I am irritated with Andromeda, am I a pathfinder or a fetch dog? I also hate the resources and crafting our own equipment system.

Like this is clearly somone else's job! what are you people even doing if I'm the one collecting material for my stuff and crafting them? Shouldn't this be your job while I just gave you the credits? Why would I even care about the arks and nexus if I'm fully self sufficient! At least in mass effect you were forced to go there to shop and get your stuff. It made the world feel not so useless.

Like I get it. You want us to feel like we're explorers who make the best of the world around us. We're tight for materials so we have to scavenge and survive! That would've worked if we were stranded in space and not doing fetch quests for the said scientists who can't even give me some uranium to craft my fucking grear and no one is selling it to me either! I hate it here.

I hope Exudes goes away from that direction. And the hacking games one too. I'm tired of soduko, it haunts me in my dreams. Mass effect had this problem too.

Games can be very fun without the fluff and stuffing in between actually interesting quests.

[themarydragon]

How um

How illegal is it for me to ask about multiple fics for that ask game. Just out of curiosity.

Because I would love to know about some of the fics I haven’t heard about, like Bloomic Toasty (WHAT is that), and I would love to hear your thoughts about The Chakwas Fic (supreme group trauma edition).

But I am also 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 about any mention of the totk fics. Respectfully.

You can answer this privately if you want, I’m genuinely not wanting to be a pest here

Completely legal. Any fine I might charge you, you have prepaid in kindness.

"Blooming Panic" is a great little visual novel somebody on here turned me onto, with "Bloomic" being the self-referential shorthand they use in-game. It was great for a mental break last winter when I was sorta in the shit and I think it's free on itch.io That and Andromeda Six (not yet finished) and Our Life were a nice break from darker/harder games and were exactly the diversion I needed. A+ do recommend. That said, there's four routes for Bloomic, and each route has "good" and "bad" endings (as per usual) and the 'bad' ending for Toaster (not their real name) Would Not Stop rolling around in my head. It haunted me. So "Bloomic Toasty" is my taking The Bad Ending and fixing it. Because I can't stand sad endings. Life is sad enough, I want my escapism to be different. I don't have the power to give myself or my loved ones happy endings (all jokes aside) but By God I can do it in fic.

THE CHAKWAS FIC is 65% complete. I have the bare bones ready, I know the ending, I have a (very) rough outline and right now I'm writing When Everything Gets Bad. So it's slow. Part I is complete, and is ME1 time. Part 2 is finished and ALMOST all posted - I'm posting a chapter a week, on Wednesdays - and is ME2 time. Part 2 ends in a place that got me yelled at by everyone I've disclosed the ending to so I'm looking forward to getting hate mail in a couple weeks. Part 3 is my WIP, it's ME3 time and is what I am writing right now. I will NOT be posting it right when I finish part 2 because I need to get it DONE and be sure I'm hitting the right points/plots and I'm not leaving threads dangling. Part 4 is outtakes, more or less, and I have no idea how much will eventually end up there. It is Chakwas' POV. I adore Karin Chakwas, and writing from her perspective allows me to completely gloss over most of the missions and deal instead with the implications of them, and dig into some secondary/background characters that otherwise don't get much time to shine. Writing from Chakwas' POV also - and most importantly - gave me an opportunity to fix the gaping plot hole that is Jeffrey "Joker" Moreau, as well as the utter character assassination that is committed upon him in ME3. TL:DR we already know, NOW, the genes responsible for Vrolik's and there is gene therapy in the ME universe (canonically, as early as ME1) so what the hell, Bioware. Anyways. The WIP I'm currently on - Through Hell - focuses on how more or less everyone (outside the ship) betrays Shepard, in one way or the other. Every major government - canonically - knows the Reapers are real, and yet literally no one will help Shepard deal with it, for a variety of infuriating reasons, and she's smart enough to see how fucked up it all is. By focusing the fic on the Normandy crew (via Chakwas) I can get into the meat of that and have a good reason to skip most of the gameplay.

TOTK I just did a blurb on the Zelda POV for another ask, so I'll expound a little on the Link POV. The title is Restless Waters, from a quote by Sanober Khan: "Do not turn me into restless waters if you cannot promise to be my stream.”

The runner-up for title quote is from Bertolt Brecht, "The headlong stream is termed violent but the riverbed hemming it in is termed violent by no one.”

Thinking about canon Link... he's terrifying. The totk Link commits korok atrocities, intentional or not, as strapping them to ROCKETS is EXPECTED. The murder machines you are encouraged to make are horror shows. But what struck me is (serious spoilers here) the doppleganger fight once you have the four sages. Sidon and Riju know that's not Zelda, but the younger two - Tulin and Yunobo - definitely think that's their Princess. So them showing up to help at that fight is just tooooooo good for me to pass up. The song I'm using to stay in the mindset to write that passage is Halsey's "Control"

And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me" I can't help this awful energy Goddamn right, you should be scared of me Who is in control?

[monowires]

i fucking love my headcanon mshenko so much. [ESSAY INBOUND LMAO]

it's about shepard, earthborn & sole survivor, wrestling with the strange feeling of enjoying the companionship of another in ME1, even platonically.

it's about him realizing he hasn't ever really had someone have his back, not the way kaidan does, not in the way that it persists beyond the battlefield. it's about both of them practically bleeding alliance, so shepard smothers his developing crush—which, really, initially it'd only been a crush, a passing oh, he's attractive—and finds contentedness in just being kaidan's friend. because that's enough for him, really, it is, because he honestly just considers himself lucky that kaidan is interested in maintaining their friendship beyond active duty.

it's about the way in which shepard carefully trains himself not to overthink every gesture, every lingering shoulder touch or the eye contact that lasts a few seconds too long. because here, kaidan didn't have feelings for shepard, not really, those didn't come until after alchera. the regrets keeping him up at night for reasons he can't quite figure out—losing people is not new to him, it comes with being in the military—but it feels a bit more like he's lost a part of himself, an extension of himself that was seamlessly melded with him, operating fluidly as a whole. and without it, without him, he feels like he's floundering, like he can't manage to steady his feet beneath him.

and when horizon happens—there's an initial warm and subdued joy within shepard when kaidan shows up. but it is quickly replaced by aches, conflicting with one another, the realization that kaidan doesn't trust him anymore, not fully—and he doesn't blame kaidan for this, not even in the slightest, but it's still hard to wrap his head around, hard to truly comprehend. those years he was gone passed in the snap of a finger to him—it hasn't been years, it feels like it was just weeks ago that he was telling kaidan to go, to evacuate the crew. and kaidan doesn't trust him, doesn't trust cerberus—and neither does he, god, he doesn't, not now, not after what he'd witnessed while hunting saren, not after akuze. but shepard doesn't have a choice—owes his life to cerberus, literally, and they're damn well using it to their advantage. it's the selfish yearning for kaidan's companionship, the selfish want for kaidan to join him again even though it'd conflict with his morals—and shepard knows that kaidan is very morally guided, he knows that it's unrealistic and unfair of him to ever want such a thing, but still his heart yearns. it is the very naivety of the human heart that makes him want kaidan's trust, that makes him want kaidan to understand, because he wouldn't do this without reasoning, really, he wouldn't, and he knows that that doesn't negate the fact that he's working for cerberus, but he wants it to.

and watching kaidan walk away on horizon—that'd felt almost as painful as dying, and he finds some cruel irony in it, that his heart had been restarted only for it to be crushed into pieces again, this time seemingly irreparable. he feels it in the way they look at him, the ones that knew kaidan, the ones from before—feels the subtle questions in their eyes, the knowing looks that say they know of his aching heart. it's in the uncomfortable silences between him and joker, it's in the way garrus looks at him almost with pity—and tali has always been empathetic towards him, but she handles him now as if he's fragile, which he very well might be.

and kelly asks him about it, about horizon, and all he can say is that he wished they'd had more time, and what a selfish, selfish want that is. for he has already been given more time, already been given a second chance, and yet still he wants more.

it's about how they find each other again in ME3, after the reapers have descended upon the galaxy, after shepard's every warning came true despite the fact that none heeded them. and shepard hadn't buried his feelings, not even close—but that was just who he was, he avoided the emotions that he couldn't handle, kept himself composed regardless. he can't stop the hope, though, when he realizes that kaidan seems to want to trust him again—but the hope is at constant battle with the ache, the sharpness of kaidan's doubts. kaidan asking if he knows anything about cerberus's behavior, like shepard hadn't cut them off immediately after destroying the collectors, like he hadn't been on house arrest for the past half year—that even though the circumstances don't permit it, the doubts still exist; that's what hurts the most.

even if he understands it, accepts it, it doesn't quite remove the sting.

and it's a desperate sort of need to prove himself to kaidan, because even though it's been months since he destroyed the collector base, he hasn't quite managed to accept the loss of the companionship they'd shared back when fighting saren. and he's willing to try, feelings be damned—he just wants kaidan to not have to glance back at him after he says something, wants the subtle doubts to stop, misses the continuity of his trust.

and then on mars, watching that happen to kaidan had felt worse than watching the normandy split apart in the vacuum of outer space—it's a panic he can't quite quell, which is discomforting, because he has always been efficient at smothering his feelings. always has had to—it comes with being a leader. it's a panic, a terror, a please, no, i've only just got him back, the familiar feeling of the threads slipping through his fingertips.

it's about shepard visiting kaidan at the hospital. telling his unconscious and battered body all of the things he couldn't tell kaidan directly—telling him the truth, because the truth is that he needs kaidan, and he doesn't quite know when that started. perhaps he's lost kaidan too many times, perhaps he's lost too much to ever be okay with losing something else. it haunts him, images of mars, the idea of kaidan dying under his command being enough to distress him to the point of sleeplessness—but god it'd be fitting, wouldn't it, for kaidan to die on the first mission under his watch in years, because shepard can't seem to stop bringing death and destruction everywhere he goes.

but kaidan doesn't die, and for reasons shepard can't ever fathom, he wants to rebuild the bridges, to strengthen their bond. and it's a strange kind of relief to realize that kaidan feels just the same as he does, that he, too, yearns for the safety of their mutual trust. and shepard thinks there's some cosmic humor in the fact that it took one of them dying and the other nearly dying for them to finally realize themselves, but if there has ever been one good thing to come out of the shitstorm he's been wrapped up in for 3 years, it's kaidan.

and that, to shepard, will always be worth it. it'll be worth the time, the anguish, the patience (and lack thereof), the healing, the uncomfortable conversations, the unfamiliarity of emotional vulnerability. it'll be worth it. and shepard finds that love is the one thing that causes him to abandon his usual calculated composure, that overrides the logical thinking he relies on. because, yeah, it's foolish and naive to think this way, but shepard doesn't particularly care. if kaidan is okay, if kaidan is there, then shepard is okay, too—everything else is secondary.

because kaidan has been a constant since everything started—not in that he was constantly there, but in that he's here now, that their trust survived every test thrown at it. and they both find stability in that, they find strength in it, because it is theirs.

[lucius-the-sinful]

been kinda chewing on some of my problems with baldur's gate 3 recently as im wrapping up my durge playthrough. i took a bit of hiatus from the game for about a month but ah, there's still just some things that kinda bum me out. and i know i just usually reblog silly goofy things and draw my edgy d&d characters but i think i need to post about this. it is my blog and i decide when its time for some serious discussion (we will return to your regularly scheduled silly goose hours later) (yes this post will contain spoilers throughout the entire game. i think)

Its time for proper capitalization and punctuation because I am wanting to get a bit serious for a minute. I want to start with my biggest issue, the thing that turns me off from the game from time to time. What I truly desire in a video game with significant characters and story is for those characters and story to feel like they co-exist with one another, instead of within their own vacuums. I think Baldur's Gate 3 is decent at this, but it leaves so much to be desired. One thing that really bugs me is it feels less like this is a group that was haphazardly thrown together with similar goals to which they are very desperate to complete (removing the tadpole, stopping the spread of the Absolute), and more like each character is an outside observer to the other's struggles. Even when the struggles of these characters intercept, such as Karlach and Wyll, we get mere morsels. Karlach says she is Wyll's friend, but outside of the few times they speak to one another in the overworld, and the few cutscenes we have in camp... how can that constitute friendship? Seriously, its great Wyll can be convinced to stick his neck out for Karlach, but that alone doesn't build a friendship. Am I supposed to believe there are conversations between characters happening off screen? Perhaps. However: there are ways to sprinkle in characters directly interacting with each other without involving the player character. The conversations in the overworld, for one, are great. I just wish there was more. I deeply desire banter, I desire for these characters to develop relationships on the same level with one another as Tav/Durge does with them.

I always find myself comparing BG3 to the Mass Effect trilogy. One thing I love about Mass Effect 3 specifically, is that Shepard can walk around the Normandy and run into the crew in the middle of their own conversations. One of my favorites is if you have Kaidan and you're able to recruit him, he can be found in a poker match with James and they reference playing with Joker. I love it! I wish that sort of thing was in BG3. You wander about camp and find some of your party members playing a game (I'm imagining Wyll and Karlach trying to teach Lae'zel a game of Faerun, and she compares it to "games" of her cresh... it would be an interesting look into Lae'zel's culture and what the gith would consider "games" plus we get to see how the others would introduce their culture to her). I just kinda hate going to camp, exhausting dialogue with each other the companions and then there's really nothing else to see or do beyond that.

I also wish there was more reaction to the romance from the others. I mean, maybe I'm just silly and haven't gotten the proper triggers but in each of my playthroughs no one has anything to say about it. I absolutely do want to sit there and give Shadowheart the details of my night with Halsin. I don't know just, give me a little something.

Speaking of the wild-shaped elephant in the room. The poly relationships. Look, I am personally monogamous, I am in a monogamous relationship and my partner and I will likely remain monogamous until our deaths. That being said... ugh? And I mean ugh in the sense these don't feel like they could be real relationships. If Halsin is truly the best we can do then I think we're doing pretty mediocre. I think its a step in the right direction, we get our other partner's consent, Halsin is respectful of you and your partner's boundaries and from what I have seen, your other partner respects your identity and boundaries (no, I do not buy that Astarion specifically is "coerced" into the relationship, this is not what this is about but I have seen that particular line of thought. Also, if you want to read a pretty good post that sums up the Astarion-Halsin polymance debate, I recommend this one by veilkeeper, I don't agree with every point but it's pretty well written). There's just something odd about how all of it is written, again pointing to how some of these events and characters feel like they exist within a vacuum and I think that is why the "poly" relationships feel very... ugh. I'm a little on the fence about this particular post, but if you want to read how a non-monogamous goober (like myself) views the poly non-relationships, I recommend this one by hungerofhadarr.

Okay so, last little thing. This bothers me in a much more obvious fashion, but, hi, I play D&D 3.5 homebrew. I am actually not super familiar with Faerun before I played Baldur's Gate 3, as my group mainly plays in original settings created by my partner/our DM. I have been a part of the same group for about four years now, and we have actually managed to complete a campaign this year. So I understand that the way me and my group play D&D is very different from how most people play in 2023. That being said: what the fuck is with the fantasy racism? Why do fantasy worlds keep relying on it so heavily to propel how cultures interact with one another? Has anyone else played a drow, or even a half-drow? Oh my god. I don't really feel like I should comment too much on this other than, um, yikes? And, I'm not going to act like I don't know about D&D's history with fantasy racism. I am a little familiar, but I just feel like Wizards, and now by extension Larian, cannot disconnect themselves from this.

this is about as articulate as im going to get on all this but uhhh yeah. screaming into the void and hope it doesn't breach containment lmao

[clericofshadows]

dialogue tag game

tagged by the lovely @rotschopf-thedrow

rules: pick up to 10 characters and share one of your favorite lines of dialogue you have ever written for them!

this is cruel I have so much dialogue how can I choose favorites? this is definitely one of those things where I will give completely different answers if I'm asked about this again :)

choosing just one bit of dialogue for Regis Shepard is so hard, but a snarky one I've liked is from feeling numb, lost in time. Some of my favorite moments with Regis are when he's fucking with people.

“What story?” Regis asked with a smirk, realizing he could fuck with him. Regis and Joker have never had anything more than a barely civil relationship, but there were times they could mess around with each other without too much hostility on the other’s part. Regis figured this could be one of those times. “The one where Kaidan and I met Zaeed while on leave and learned a hell of a lot more about where our tastes lie?”

2. Vikram T'Lara, Regis's asari matriach uncle, from feeling numb, lost in time, in which Vik inevitably gets in contact with Regis while he's with Cerberus.

Vik rolled their eyes.  “Goddess, Reggie, you knew what I meant.  You know, seeing you grow up has been some of the best memories of my long life.  I’m very grateful to have been part of your family.”

3. Jeff "Joker" Moreau, in don't ask about Ryuusei, in which they try to figure out the deal behind their "emails."

“Wait a minute, you messaged me.  For a second, I thought it was a prank.  I mean, hello–” he gestured around.  “I know you.  This is your personal hell, but maybe you decided to let that all go to celebrate your favorite pilot.”

4. Kaidan Alenko from you got me in a chokehold, a flashback to after Alchera.

"Couldn't have controlled? No, you just couldn't stand being wrong about anything involving the Normandy! But it doesn't matter anymore, now does it? You might've saved the ship a few precious seconds, but Regis didn't get any!" Ashley stepped between them, interrupting whatever Joker was going to say next. "This is not the time to be fighting! God, it's a terrible day when I'm the fucking mediator. Joker, you knew what the orders were. Both of you, walk away before things get more ruined than they already are." "You aren't going to call out Alenko for prioritizing his boyfriend over the rest of the crew?" Kaidan felt his biotic corona roar to life. "Go fuck yourself Joker and remember that Regis died for you! He was never going to leave anyone behind! And he chose you."

5. Admiral Steven Hackett, from so let love reign.

"Did [Zaeed] tell you to ask me about the Frozen Pyjak?" [Hackett] chuckled.

6. Zaeed Massani, from a WIP fic of the aftermath of his loyalty mission. I hate that this is one of my favorites, but it hit exactly the way I wanted it to.

Zaeed spun around, pointing a finger in Regis's direction, his face twisted with anger. "What the fuck was that, Regis?" "I could ask you the same damn thing. We wouldn't even be in this fucking situation if you weren't so consumed by revenge and just slowed down and listened," Regis replied, his tone flat, carefully keeping his expression neutral. "That's fucking rich." Zaeed laughed, laced with bitterness and anger. "The whole reason why you're even playing nice with Cerberus is so you can tear them apart. You're biding your time to get back at T'Soni as we speak. But the moment I get the chance to get what I have spent years working towards, you throw it all away for a few extra lives. How about that, Butcher?"

7. Ashley Williams, from late night conversations. In which she and Regis chat about things.

“And now you’re here, abusing your Spectre benefits so you two can share a bed together,” she echoed, nudging his arm.  “I would offer to go ring shopping with you, but something tells me you already have that figured out.”

8. Nyx Shepard, from the story of a weapon. I'm still trying to figure this bastard out, but he's already had his moments.

Nyx's intense purple eyes watched Kaidan closely as he examined the dagger.  "You've been in my goddamn bed," Nyx finally stated, a small grin playing on his lips. "So, you've seen a lot of me. But not many have been close enough to see this blade on neutral ground.” Kaidan felt a flush of warmth creeping up his cheeks, but he didn't shy away from Nyx's probing gaze. "Well, I'd say it's quite an honor," he replied, his tone playful, though tinged with a sense of curiosity. "Your bed and now this?  What’s next…” “You tell me,” He chuckled.  “Every weapon has a story.  What is mine?  You get one question, the rest you try to figure out on your own.”

I think that's about it... I could try to do a few more but I like what I have here.

tagging anyone who sees this and wants to participate! tag me if you do :)

[spaced0lphin]

Wish I May, Wish I Might

A Shoker Thing (Obviously It Is, This is Me We’re Talking About}

Time is a weird thing. Tied to the senses, in a way. Removed or dulled enough, and pretty soon a person thinks it's been an hour inside five minutes.

Stars. Blackness. Stars. Blackness. The difference between closing and opening his eyes was an ocean of sparkling dots. The floor below him - or beside, direction didn't really matter, here - was so far, and the dome before him so huge, that he seemed to hang suspended in space.

Doctor Chakwas’ sharp words still hung around the back of his mind. If he had his way, he'd never have come off the ship. But, stretching properly for the first time in way too long, a tingling flood of feel-good chemicals radiated up from his legs, and he had to admit she was right. Racking up some time in zero-gee was doing wonders.

Joker swallowed, the gross wet sound of it filling his ears with way more detail than he ever wanted. That was the worst; being forced to hear his own body's squishy noises.  

Ignoring the thudding of his heart in his ears, he drew lines in the air with his finger, connecting together familiar shapes in the stars. Asteroid stations in the middle of nowhere like this one were kind of appealing, when he thought about it. They weren't often this quiet, but they were often low or no grav. The less he weighed, the less the ache always living in his loose joints had anything to say. But, spend too much time in low grav, and bones lose density. For crumbly garbage ones like his, that was a death sentence. Gravity. What a bunch of bullshit.

The distinct hiss of an airlock sent a breeze blowing across his back. He frowned at the glimmering sea before him. Of course, having it all to himself was too good to be true.

"Was just leaving," he grumbled, fishing for his air jet. Magboots clicked softly on the grating; he must've floated up a long way.

"Relax, it's only me," a familiar voice called out to him. A warm fluttery feeling spread out in his belly.

"Shepard...? Hey, patients only," he said. Twisting around in zero-gee wasn't the problem, it was the whole stopping thing that always proved tricky. Where was that damn thing?

Standing with her feet clamped to the floor, she folded her arms and looked straight up at him. "I'm a Spectre, I can go wherever I want."

"Uh-huh," he said. A bit of starlight reflected off a cylindrical object, caught in a lazy spin at the far end of the room - his trigger. His face sank into his palm.

"Ah... is that yours?" She asked. The smile coming through in her voice was so clear he had to steal a glance. To him, that understated little smirk of hers shone brighter than any sun.

"Yep." Joker clicked his tongue. "Real rookie mistake." 

"You forgot to clip it?"

"Look, it's... been a while. A little help here? Or am I gonna have to start blowing?" He laughed. No answer. If he didn't know better, he'd say she looked a little transfixed or something. It seemed almost like she was staring past him - through him, maybe. Her eyes were locked on something out there. Alarmed, Joker craned his neck. Nothing, except the stars. Still and exactly the same as as they ever were. "Hey, what gives? C'mon, the water's fine," he said, waggling his arms, stuck in a slow barrel-roll.

"Yes. Yes, yes. I'm coming." That was hesitation in her words, he was sure of it.

"Uh, Shepard?" he asked with a bemused little chuckle. "There's nothing out there." 

"... I know." 

The buzz and clunk of her magboots' release busted the silence as she began floating up. Stars, Shepard. Stars, Shepard. Stars... Only a couple metres or so away now, and her eyes were squeezed shut. She looked like a terrified cadet out on her first EVA practise. Joker opened his mouth to deliver some crack asking her when the last time she'd been outside even was, when the millions and millions of lights in the void slid into his vision once more. He knew the answer to that question. He closed his mouth, heat prickling at the back of his neck. 'There's nothing out there.' Who’d know better than the woman who died choking on hard vacuum? What a jackass. Her long, shaky breaths filled the few feet of air between them.

"Hey, open your eyes," he said softly, knowing that even a whisper was enough. "You're gonna bump into me."

Without a word, her legs lifted and folded with the precision of a dancer, the spat-spat-spat of air bursting from little jets on her catsuit slowing her down. Every move was sleek and perfect, all the more so by how effortless she made it look. The result, he knew, of hours and hours of drills and practise. At last, the cosmos stopped their slow spinning around with the touch of her hand to his shoulder.

"Thanks," he said, offering a smile he hoped looked contrite. "Was starting to think I'd throw up."

"No you weren't," she replied, the tiniest little grin forcing its way out across her lips. "You grew up in space."

God, her eyes really were something else. What he wouldn't give to just reach up and stroke her cheek, to tell her it was okay. Tell her she had it under control, that she didn't have to be scared. The starlight illuminating her face made his breath catch. Joker swallowed heavily. This time, there was no gross wet sound, his throat dry as a bone.

Politeness demanded he look away, but he couldn't tear himself free. In those eyes was a depth stretching farther than even the most distant star could hope to reach.

"Eh, yeah... I just wanted you to feel like you'd saved me from something," he said. "Not that you haven't already. But, y'know. Heroic moment."

"What if I hadn't showed up?" She asked. "You'd have been stuck here for hours."

"Hours?"

"I booked it for a few. I wanted..." Shepard trailed off, searching for her words. "I wanted to take my time."

Somehow, his hands found their way to her shoulders. "Aw, you're just a bit rusty,” he said with a dismissive shrug. “It's been a while for the both of us. I forgot my clip, and you... Uh, well. Your breathing's slowed down now, that’s good," he pointed out. It was only when he gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze that he realised she was gripping both his own, hard. "... All you need's a little practise. Hey, my trigger's over there," he said, gesturing. Shepard followed his hand at first, but soon her gaze travelled up, and up, as if called by something. Her fingers clamped down like a vice. 

"Watch it, hey, watch it!" he hissed.

She released. "Did I hurt you?"

"I'll live," he muttered. "Listen, you don't have to let go of me if you don't wanna, just... Don't snap me like a toothpick, okay?"

"Right. I'm sorry."

Shepard's hands fluttered down, settling on his waist instead. She'd chosen to hold him closer, rather than tighter. Joker cleared his throat, grateful for the dim silver light of the stars, surely disguising the heat spreading across his cheeks.

She was so damn brave. As he pulled himself free of her grasp and floated clear of her to give her air jets room, Joker imagined the kind of guts it must take to face a fear like this. Alone, too - she came here alone, planning to panic in silence, for hours.

"Yeah… Look, I got an idea," he said, placing his hand back on her shoulder. "Let’s go get it together."

Shepard placed her hand atop his, anchoring him as she lined up. With a sharp little burst, they were on their way.

“They teach you all kinds of stuff to be an N7, huh?” He asked, moving himself to block her gaze if she looked up. “You do the whole flippin’ around thing pretty good.”

“They do,” she said. “I used to enjoy it, once upon a time.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” he replied. “I’m surprised you haven’t been headhunted by the asari Stardancers.”

“You’re a fan of stellar ballet?”

“I’m a fan of the outfits,” he snickered. She snickered, too, and Joker allowed himself to float in just a little closer.

Shepard stretched out. With a deft flick of her arm, she flipped about to face him, eye to eye. The little device slid up between them, filling his vision, and she laughed, tapping him on the nose with it.

“Here you go, troublemaker.”

He closed his hand around it. “Thanks.”

Maybe he was just nuts, but, she seemed to be lingering, her eyes flicking from point to point. Perhaps she was just trying not to look at the expanse behind him.

“Whoops,” he said, nudging the trigger out, end over end, into the colossal empty room. “Dropped it.”

“Joker, I put my ship in your hands, and you have butterfingers?”

“Look at it this way, it’s more practise, right? Let’s go get it.”

She took his arm and looped it around her neck, setting out in a smooth arc. He smiled to himself, watching her glance this way and that. The fire inside Shepard was familiar. Watching it in action had this way of spreading, setting him alight, too. Maybe one day he could see her fly amid the stars without being chased by old ghosts. A sharp pang shot through his chest - those old ghosts only haunted because of him. Ghosts describing the way her body spun, shrank, and was swallowed by the looming blueness of Alchera. That was why she was here after all, and why she didn’t love the stars anymore. That little line of pain snaking through his heart blossomed into an open wound. He shouldn’t, really, he knew, but steadying himself as she flew gave him an excuse. He let his free arm drift in and cross her body, though he barely let it touch. Such a weird way to score an embrace, but, he couldn’t be there for her back then. At least he could be here for her, now.

“Joker?”

“What?” They’d stopped at some point, he realised. Dead centre of the dome, by the looks of it.

Shepard unfolded, filling all the space between his arms without a word. She was so warm. His chin came down to rest on her shoulder, his arms pulling her back against his chest. Her heartbeat raced against his forearm, even through her catsuit. He didn’t dare speak. Or move. Or even breathe, not even when it burned in his lungs. God, he wanted whatever this was to last, but he wasn’t an idiot - for whatever reasons of her own, she’d let him overstep a little, that’s all. Time to get a grip.

“It’s there,” he whispered, pointing at it. “See it? You don’t need me, you go the rest of the way.”

Her fingers closed around his forearm.

“Go on. Go fetch,” he insisted, offering a grin. “Not often I get to give you an order, huh?”

“… No, you’re wrong,” she said.

“Well, that’d be a first.”

“I do need you,” she said.

He felt his smile waver. “Um, okay, well, let’s take it at your pace, then. I’ve got until they finish installing that ablative plating stuff. Man, that’s gonna be sweet,” he said, giving in to the urge to hold her just that little bit tighter.

“I’m fine right here, for the moment, if you are.”

“Like I said, I’ve got like three days of doing nothing ahead of me, so… We’re on your schedule. When you’re ready, alright?”

She fit against him as though she was made for the job. Joker closed his eyes, writing every detail to memory.

“It’s quiet up here,” she said, just above a whisper.

“Yep. Can’t even hear the air recyclers.”

Her head slowly turned as she scanned around, exposing the length of her neck. Nothing ever looked quite so soft. Joker forced his eyes shut to keep from thinking about it.

“I’ve had nightmares about it for so long now, I forget how beautiful it really is,” she said.

“Mm-hmm. Yeah, it makes my list. A few things are a bit higher, but, not many.”

“Higher than this?” She breathed.

“Mmm, I dunno, those Stardancer outfits are pret-ty nice,” he said with a dry chuckle. She tutted, nudging him in the stomach with her elbow, and they both laughed. Shepard settled back against him like it was the most natural thing in the world. The fluttery feeling deep in his belly refused to budge. “You get bad dreams a lot, huh?”

“If I do this enough, they’ll stop. They have to,” she said, a certain hard edge creeping into her voice.

“They will, they will,” he said, nodding. “Don’t worry.” The fabric covering her shoulder was so smooth. So smooth. What was it made of? He’d been rubbing little circles in it with his thumb. “Ah, heh,” he murmured, clearing his throat again. “So. You still good?”

“Are you?” She asked.

“I only came up here to get some weight off my joints,” he said. “I’m still doing that.”

“It’s good to see you off the ship, you know.”

“Yeah, well. Chakwas told me if I didn’t go, she’d use the time I had sitting around to do extra tests. So, I bounced.”

Shepard chuckled. “That sounds about right. She told me something similar.”

“Yeah she sure has her own brand of looking out for people, I guess,” he said. A wave of tingly niceness made all his hairs stand on end as Shepard mirrored him, drawing wavy patterns on his forearm with the very tips of her nails. He sank into the delicious feeling. This was fine. Maybe not the most strictly professional thing, but, they were friends, too. This was totally fine. Joker rested his chin on her shoulder again. “Speaking of that kinda thing, I guess… Lookin’ out for people, and all that… You know you don’t have to do this all on your own, right?”

“What do you mean?” She asked, turning her head to the side and looking at him out of the corner of her eye.

“Well… You don’t have to face it all by yourself. You got me, if you want?” His heart leapt to his throat. “I’ll help, I mean. With stuff like this? All you gotta do is ask.”

“I know you’d help… and you have,” she said, tilting her head against his. “Thank you.” The wavy patterns stopped dead, and Shepard disentangled herself, gentle as could be. It was as if gravity had been switched on, but only for his insides. The spell was broken. He’d messed it up, somehow. Or, watching her float away, maybe he’d set it right? She had so much to think about and do, the last thing she needed was her horned-up helmsman putting the moves on her during a moment of weakness, which - Oh, no. Something slimy and cold started slithering around in his gut. That’s exactly what happened. A wobbling blob of moisture floated up off his nose. Jeez, it was hot in here.

“L-Listen, Shepard, I’m pretty sure I cro-“

“What?” She asked, slowly spiralling back toward him, wiggling his trigger in her hand. She ducked down, fastening it to his belt with a loud snap.

“-ssed a… line hey, nice going!”

She collided with him. Laughed. Shot away. He fumbled with the jet at first, righting himself just in time to see the most powerful woman in the galaxy blow a big fat raspberry at him.

“You- wha- how is this fair? I’ve only got one jet and you’ve got, what, like fifty?”

“Come on, are you the best pilot in the Alliance fleet, or what?”

“Oh, now you’re gonna get it.”

“I should requisition you one of these,” she said, sailing around him. “Maybe I will, if you catch me.”

“Pfft, promises, promises. I’mma hold you to that, and I don’t care if they cost half a planet’s worth of platinum. Your word is your bond,” he teased, doing some quick math. Was it cheating to use the wall? He didn’t care.

“Big words, ballcap boy,” she taunted. She could bust out such an annoying sing-song jeer when she wanted to. Joker launched himself off the wall at a speed Shepard clearly didn’t expect. She darted in the precise way he figured she would, sent himself tumbling through her first-year evasive manoeuvres, and straight into her.

“Yeah, yeah, you think you’re real clever with that suit, don’t you?” He intercepted her, using his own momentum to swing her, laughing, into his grasp. “That was easy. I’m kind of embarrassed for you, Shepard. All that training and all that tech and I beat you with one jet and an attitude.”

“Oh, I let you,” she replied, cracking up. On his life, she was… giggling.

“You didn’t.”

“I did, I did, I absolutely did,” she could barely speak, she was having such a damn episode.

“Now, you look me in the eye,” he said, pulling his eyelid down in an exaggerated stare.

“I can’t see,” she replied, wiping at shimmering silver blobs - tears - that, without gravity, refused to leave her eyes.

“Well, that’s what you get for getting the giggles in zero-gee,” he said, shaking his head. “Does Anderson know you’re like this?”

“He put it in my letter of recommendation,” she answered, shaking her head as she blinked the last one free. A trail of a dozen little spheres jiggled madly on the long way up towards the roof of the dome. He smiled up at them as, one by one, he lost sight of each, blending in with the lights all around. From shaking with fear to shaking with laughter. That counted as some kind of victory, he was sure of it. Something brushed against his cheek. Shepard’s fingertips directed his face back toward her. Painted in silver and framed by stars, she really was the most beautiful thing he ever saw.

“Hey.” It was all he could think to say.

“Hey,” she replied, her voice soft and low and breathy in a way that sent a tingle up his spine. She drew in, and he did too. He didn’t know who did it, but, her lips. They were hot, and her breath even hotter, and all of a sudden he never had to wonder again what it might be like to kiss her because now - now he knew, and he never, ever wanted to stop. Her fingers at the back of his head, running through his hair and cupping his face was all at once way too much and not nearly, nearly enough. She was lithe and firm and everything he ever hoped to feel, and in the rush of it he couldn’t tell if that little, desperate sound was hers or his own. It didn’t matter, because yes. If she wanted it, oh, he would give it to her. He would give her anything. Everything.

Breaking that kiss for air was maybe the hardest thing he’d ever done. Breath ragged and body trembling with adrenaline, Joker held her to him like she was tethering him to life. Shepard, for all her strength and fury, was nothing but tender with every kiss she placed and every touch to every part of him she felt - and, already, there were very few parts of him she hadn’t yet.

Her suit’s zipper peeled open and her skin was silky under his hands, dewy under his lips, and God, he could not stop shaking.

Soothing like water, she wrapped herself around him, cushioning his shuddering and her lips at his ear.

“Yes?” She whispered. It was a question. Calm and sweet and so utterly divorced from the maelstrom he was caught up in.

“Buh?”

She kissed his neck, maybe giving him time to think, before repeating, “yes?”

Oh, this woman. This wonderful, beautiful woman. “God, Fff-Yes,” he gasped. The word alone wasn’t strong enough and Joker grabbed her hips, grinding himself right up against her to let her feel how much ‘yes.’

His fly popped open and he lost any ability to think. There was only one thing to do, and it was very simple. Her breath was hot across him, and all of a sudden, full of sound. The most achingly beautiful whimper. He dragged his teeth up the soft skin of her neck that just a few moments before he’d tried so hard not to think about, and pushed.

Sweet fire. He lacked the words but maybe those would do. Sinking into her set every nerve alight with sweet, sweet fire. Her ankles crossed behind his back, almost spurring him on. Yes, yes, he had to be careful, but here, spinning with the stars, he didn’t have to be quite that careful. Whatever she was doing, it was working - with every stroke she tilted her hips a certain way and soon her eyes were fluttering closed, her lips parted, and her body squeezing in tighter. He still couldn’t stop shaking, but this time, the cause was obvious. Shepard’s mouth found his own and then there just wasn’t any holding back anymore. Her whole body locked up tight, her cry muffled by their kiss. He squirmed, straining to get even deeper inside somehow and rode it out with her, giving her his everything.

Breathless. Completely breathless. Curved around her body, he panted, his head resting between her breasts. God, he hoped it meant as much for her. If all the tingling as she laid kisses atop his head and fiddled with his ear was anything to go by, he figured it probably did.

“I hope they have a good filtration system,” she mumbled.

“I hope they don’t have any cameras,” he replied.

An orange glow hit the backs of his eyelids. “Well,” she sighed. “They don’t now.”

They snickered.

[spaced0lphin]

Forgot to mention, this story was dedicated to me! Time to read it! I've had such a busy time lately!

I adored painting this commission for the lovely @sephraem 's Shoker fic. An adorable, fluffy, and of course sarcastic wedding. Give it a read and some love on AO3. 🥰🥰🥰

[swaps55]

Hi swaps! You've mentioned in the past that Sonata was meant to be an AU - when did and what made you decide that it was going to be canon?

You are correct!! Sonata was supposed to be a silly, one-shot crack!fic AU.

Whoops.

So, what happened is this: I started writing Cantata in 2019, but I hadn't written much in a while, and I was rusty. So I was doing a lot of...throwing spaghetti at a wall. But while a lot of pieces of Opus were still very malleable, there were a few things I knew for sure, and this was one of them:

I was setting up a long-haul slow burn, with epic levels of pining that would never quite turn into something spoken out loud until ME3, when in mid-tender embrace, Sam would ask the question, "Do you love me?" And Kaidan would reply, "I have loved you for eight years."

THAT WAS THE PLAN. I was committed to this plan.

I'd written the first chapter of Cantata and chunks of what became Million Little Pieces, Dance With Darkness and Carry On, but I had zero narrative tension working in any of those scenes, and quite honestly, I had no idea what I was doing. Then I started working on The Things We've Done. I had them stranded on Sharjila, Sam in bad shape, and they were upset with each other. But I had no idea what landed them there, or why they were angry at each other. Basically, when I put myself in a position that forced some narrative tension, I couldn't fucking figure out what the tension was. I didn't know enough about what made them tick to get the pieces to fit into place.

So, I was frustrated, but still all aflutter about this slow burn pinefest, and in a fit of giddiness I said fuck it, and reblogged a post about tropes like fake dating and oh no, there's only one bed! And dared someone to ask me to write one of them.

@makoparkingonly took the dare for fake dating, and a few days later I had an out of control freight train I couldn't steer careening off the tracks.

I was dead set on keeping it an AU. There was no way this ridiculous premise could be canon for these two people. Nope. No way.

But what changed my mind was the character development. The friendship that formed between Joker and Tali, and the confiding Sam did with Liara, the progress Kaidan made with his parents, and the gut wrenching tenderness and care Sam and Kaidan gave each other felt so genuine, and so important to them as characters, that I couldn't bear to take it back. All the trouble I was having figuring out what made them tick for Cantata? I found it in Sonata. I figured out Sharjila, and where they found both friction and understanding. I understood how important they were to each other.

They did all of that, all on their own, and it just felt cruel to pretend it never happened.

So I embraced it, and my OTP, the two very smart and capable people I have now written well probably over 300k words for, canonically get together via a fake dating scheme and I have to take it seriously. Like, I wrote these sentences in Fugue, as a serious person, taking fake dating seriously:

“Joker said something about my mother being part of their task force to shove the two of us together.”

Shepard chuckles, covering his face with his free hand. “Fuck. Do you think she knew the truth?”

“That we were letting her believe we were together when we weren’t? I don’t know how. But I intend to strangle our pilot to find out.”

But I stand by it, with no regrets. XD

[dalekofchaos]

What would you say are the biggest mistakes Mass Effect 3 made?

Okay this is going to be a long one, but these would be the biggest mistakes ME3 ever made in my opinion

Choosing Cerberus over The Reapers. The thing that annoyed me most about ME3 is the fact that Harbinger is not the main threat. The Illusive Man is. Harbinger has been built up as the big bad since ME2. "YOU HAVE FAILED. WE WILL FIND ANOTHER WAY." He says as he discards the Collectors. Then his speech to Shepard as the base blows up. "Human, you've changed nothing. Your species has the attention of those infinitely your greater. That which you know as Reapers are your salvation through destruction. You will surrender your potential against the growing void. We return, and you will rise. We are the harbinger of your perfection. We will bring your species into harmony with our own. Your species will be raised to a new existence. We are the beginning, you will be the end. Prepare for our domination. Prepare for our coming." Then in Arrival, he came pretty damn close to unleashing quick subjugation and harvest upon an unprepared galaxy. Upon Shepard foiling his plans. "Shepard. You have become an annoyance. You fight against inevitability. Dust struggling against cosmic winds. This seems a victory to you. A star system sacrificed. But even now, your greatest civilizations are doomed to fall. Your leaders will beg to serve us. Know this as you die in vain: Your time will come. Your species will fall. Prepare yourselves for the Arrival." The perfect final villain right? Unfortunately, Cerberus was more focused on than The Reapers. My problem with Cerberus and no Harbinger is Too many Cerberus, too few Reaper forces in plot. We fight Cerberus more often than the reapers. Hardly any boss fight and the one with Reaper Destroyer on Rannoch was more an interactive movie than fight. During the Horizon mission in Mass Effect 2, Harbinger was solidified as the Big Bad. It was menacing and ominous, with just the right amount of annoying. It taunted us throughout the game, telling us how insignificant we were, and how our actions were pointless. It was willing to posses drones through the Collector General to fight us personally, and when we killed the host, it tossed them aside. Harbinger even gave the typical “You haven’t seen the last of me!” villain rant. It made any fire fight frustrating, and that made me want to kill it even more; I hated Harbinger. Many games fail to do that. Harbinger was an enemy which I looked forward to defeating. I had the desire to annihilate. In Mass Effect 3, I got a codex entry and a cameo. Harbinger just swoops in at the last second and blows my friends and I to hell(and lets the Normandy save them), then flies off. Personally, I would have loved to hear Harbinger’s menacing monologue, it drove me on. I would have felt a deeper motivation to take the fight back to Earth if it told me how much destruction the Reapers were causing, how many lives were lost. I felt cheated when I got to the final mission, only to suddenly realize it was largely absent from the game. Harbinger has been replaced. Replaced by the Illusive Man and Kai Leng. The former is an old acquaintance, albeit one now controlled by the Reapers. The latter is a space ninja from a terrible book. What would've been amazing is if Harbinger IS the Catalyst. Harbinger taunts and haunts Shepard throughout the game He uses the memory of that child to haunt Shepard as a symbol of humanity lost. After Shepard activates the Crucible. Harbinger appears. He explains to why and how The Reapers were made. the AI Leviathan created to solve the equation is Harbinger all along, Harbinger manipulated The Leviathan into giving it Reaper form and birth at first it did what it commanded and what they asked of it was to look at the dark energy building up which back then was only an anomaly that Leviathan was concerned with but then the first harvest began and Harbinger and The Reapers were born. Funny enough, Leviathan reminds me so much of FMA:Brotherhood. The Intelligence tricked Leviathan to create the Reaper is very similar to how the Dwarf in the flask became Father. So what I think should have happened is it would've been revealed that Harbinger is the AI that convinced the Leviathan that harvest was the only way to survive and justifies the harvests not because organics and synthetics can't coexist, but because of the dark matter crisis. Throughout the game we would have more confrontations with Harbinger. Have him "ASSUME CONTROL" during fights. Give us a voiced confrontation between Shepard and Harbinger. Make it clear that Harbinger chose The Illusive Man and convinced him of together they could uplift and empower humanity over the lesser races. The Illusive Man is to Harbinger, as what Saren was for Soverign. Then the Crucible will grant us the choice to Destroy or Control The Reapers or Harvest this cycle to survive the Dark Matter crisis. You could either. Destroy Harbinger and The Reapers, while the united races would discover a way to stop the dark matter problem. Give in to Harbinger to harvest humanity to save the galaxy. Control The Reapers to stop the harvesting and to work together to stop the dark matter crisis.

Choosing to have a smaller crew than ME2 and focusing solely on the ME1 characters and screwing over or ignoring the ME2 crew, especially romancing Jack, Miranda and Thane. If it were up to me, this is what my ideal ME3 line up would be Ashley/Kaidan EDI Garrus Liara Tali Javik Jack Miranda Thane(EA forgot about him and simply chose to kill him off, I think Thane could’ve rejoined the crew and even had a mission where we find a cure for Thane and Kolyat) Grunt Mordin(you'll see how later) Legion(You'll see later) Balak or any Batarian Squadmember. Ideally it would be someone who survived the Bahak system or even a Batarian freedom fighter who puts his people’s survival over the pride and prejudices of the Hegemony. His sole goal is to liberate Khar'shan and save his people. But for a more memorable person, Balak would be the squad member. I would make killing Balak not an option. The last high ranking officer in the Hegemony. Instead of causing deaths on the Citadel, he seeks Shepard out. It’s an enemy of my enemy is my friend. Over time, Balak would show remorse for his past actions as a terrorist and for the Hegemony’s past. Shepard and Balak learns to overcome their differences and see each other as friend and works together to destroy the Reapers. We would get a Priority Khar’shan where we could liberate the planet and the Batarians would be in a fighting force.

Keeping James alive. I like James, but he added absolutely nothing to the game. We already had an Alliance character. Ashley Williams/Kaidan Alenko. James should have been the Jenkins/Wilson of the game. He should have died in the crash to take out Eva and Ashley/Kaidan should have been with us from beginning to end. James is a character we barely know. We’ve waited a long ass time to see Ashley/Kaidan and it was downright disappointing that neither Ashley nor Kaidan did not get to interact with Garrus on Priority Palaven and Wrex during Priority S’Urkesh.

Mirandafying Ashley Williams. Mirandafying Ashley Williams for Mass Effect 3 was shallow and unnecessary. Wearing loose and long hair and skimpy clothing? Ashley Williams is a by the books soldier. She would not look like this. She would not grow her hair or let it down like this. I mean, it’s not that they changed her face so much, but they just tried too hard with the makeup, hair and outfit. Ashley didn’t need to be model-sexy and run around in heels and showing cleavage. She was already sexy as hell in her own way. All they needed to do was give her the Alliance Crewmen outfit as her casual look and the Phoenix Armor and the current Alliance type armor she was given in ME3, as well as a unique Spectre armor. It's not just the shallow Mirandafying. It's the fact that Ashley has little to no interactions. Ashley barely has any interactions in the game. Compared to Kaidan, Ashley is not interactable. I don't like that Ashley barely has any interactions and just feels...hollow. Ashley should have crew moments with Joker, Adams, Ashley at the monument mourning those who died with the original Normandy, Liara, Tali and Garrus. Was it so much to ask for simple interactions? And really, Ashley in the first game had a personality, Ashley in ME3 feels hollow.

Choosing Diana Allers over Emily Wong and Khalisah al-Jilani. Emily and Khalisah are two reporters we actually know and respect. They earned their place on the Normandy. Emily reported on crime and traffic controllers. Khalisah gave us hard hitting questions and actually cared about reporting on what the fuck was going on in the galaxy. They earned their place on the Normandy as far as I'm concerned. Compare that to Diana Allers. What has Diana Allers done to deserve a spot on the Normandy? Nothing. They created the Battlespace to make her seem like a hip and cool Alliance News Correspondent. Allers looked, weird and she just comes off as annoying and she's a waste of space on the Normandy when we could've had a whole new or returning squad member. God, I WISH Javik could throw her out the fucking airlock. You had TWO perfectly great reporter characters and you did jackshit for any of them. Just so you could have an excuse to hire Jessica Chobot.

Not letting us see Tali's face on Rannoch. Legendary Edition fixed the mistake by finally showing us Tali's face, but it's still exclusive to Shali romancers. What should have happened was we see Tali's face when she unmasks on Rannoch. If we don't romance her, she unmasks and gives us a smile. If we romance her we see her face and kiss her. Something simple like that. It would've been great to see

Not having the ME2 squad members join in on the Citadel DLC. I mean for fuck's sake, it's like they want us to know "fuck you, ME1 squadmembers only" Again, why? Why wasn’t Jack, Miranda, Grunt, Samara, Jacob, Zaeed and Kasumi not added? If we romanced Jack or Miranda, why didn't they come to save us when we were being hunted? Why not REALLY making it feel like Team Hammerhead by actually adding the ME2 Squad members to the Citadel DLC before the party? There was no reason why you couldn't include the ME2 squad members in the Citadel DLC

Making Cerberus the villains instead of uneasy allies, when The Batarians were the perfect allies for The Reapers. This might just be me but I think Cerberus should have been on our side in ME3 and The Batarians should have been fighting for The Reapers. Makes sense Cerberus has just been a rouge organization doing what the job no matter what the cost(even if the cost is atrocities) and instead of indoctrinating themselves they could of studied it to make themselves immune to indoctrination and The Illusive Man's goal was to use any means necessary in order to destroy The Reapers. I also like the idea that you know you can't trust him, but he does get results. The Council and The Alliance are desperate, so they accept a partnership with Cerberus. The Batarians have always held a grudge against The Alliance, The Council and would have wanted revenge for Bahak/ Viper Nebula. The fact that there are no consequences for what we had to do in Arrival from The Batarians just doesn't make any sense and you'd think this would give The Batarians the motive to turn to The Reapers. Hell in the Terra Nova DLC in Mass Effect 1 it seemed to me that Balak was already indoctrinated and Balak’s revelation of the “Batarian rebellion” makes it seem like they would be the perfect tools for The Reapers. Balak will be the new Saren figure. If you killed Balak, then The Reapers would just bring him back. The first act of war for the Batarians was the destruction of the Viper Nebula, so their retaliation was killing Udina. Prior to the Reaper invasion of Earth, Udina would go to Omega to make peace talks with Aria. The Batarians attack and gain control of Omega, Aria is ousted(but saved by General Petrovsky) and Udina is executed live for the galaxy to see. Because of Udina's execution and Anderson leading the resistance on Earth. The Illusive Man is now the Human Councilor. Miranda and Kai Leng would be squad members. Depending on if you gave TIM the Collector Base or destroyed it, he will either keep you in the dark or help you at every turn. Just think of the Cerberus War Assets Cerberus Scientists General Oleg Petrovsky Collector Base Cerberus Fighters Cerberus Phantoms Cerberus Engineers Project Phoenix We would get a big mission to deal with the Batarians, Priority:Khar'shan. If you do not deal with the Batarians, there will be major casualties. However half of the Batarian forces are not indoctrinated and just want to end the mistakes of their government and live. Balak wants to kill the rebellion of his people. Ironic. Somehow Balak has placed enough bombs on the planet to destroy everyone who is resisting Reaper indoctrination. We can either. Talk Balak out of it. Telling him to resist and fight for your people(which WOULD gain Balak as an ally) or talk Balak into killing himself. Or the true Renegade option is to kill Balak and order a strike that wipes out the Batarian forces, but sacrificing the Batarian Rebellion. By the time we get to Priority Earth everyone is on the same page and united against the true threat, The Reapers. And it is Harbinger who is the final boss

Not having Maelon be there with Mordin in ME3. This isn't really a problem, but I had a thought. If we spared Maelon and kept Maelon's data for the cure. Maelon should have been on board to help Mordin with the cure. If we warn Mordin and Maelon about the sabotage, then Maelon would choose to sacrifice himself to save Mordin. And after that, Mordin would choose to join Shepard's crew.

Legion's "death" is pointless. He....is software. He could easily copy and paste The Reaper code without sacrificing himself in the same manner when he was broadcasting the Reaper signal to all Geth. Or he could've disseminated himself after he made a copy and transfer that copy over to his platform. I just get the feeling that they didn't want to keep Mordin, Thane or Legion alive....for reasons.

[crqstalite]

Happy Year In Review 2021!!

I've certainly lived in interesting times and here's my eventual result of that. (Can't believe it's already been a year -- 2020)

WORD COUNT:

This year I wrote a total of 127,820 words (92,789 published, 35,031 unpublished). Honestly I'm a little disappointed, I thought I did more than that. Given, it's 2021, the year of crises left and right, but...yeesh. That's less than I did back in 2019. In like, two or three months.

Most of the year was out of my control though, and I'm still standing. I count it as a win.

The Breakdown:

My Mass Effect works took up about 3/4s of the actual word count, at 112,020 words written (and 22,934 unpublished, along with most of what I haven't released for Redamancy yet). My goal this year was to finish Redamancy but it had other ideas, so I'm maybe halfway through actually finishing it? That could be another year.

My Arcane works (what a surprise), are all still unpublished with posting dates being sometime in early 2021. However, they're 12,097 words by themselves so far, so it's okay. I didn't expect to end up writing for League anytime soon, but here we are.

My singular Dragon Age work this year was Bones, which was 1,879 words. Not surprised I didn't have more, it's Dragon Age. That and I lost all of the games when my account was hacked earlier in the year. Not a lot of motivation to write for this fandom.

My singular Mind Blind work this year was "Do It For Them", which was 1,824 words. It's been a while since I've really interacted with the IF fandom, so that's pretty unsurprising.

New Things I Tried:

Not much I don't think? Redamancy has actually been beta'd, every single chapter currently published has had a second pair of eyes over it (which is such a big help, you'd never notice how many misspellings you miss yourself), but beyond that I didn't really have the time or mental energy to do much else. EXCEPT for starting to write for Arcane. Never thought I'd do anything relating to League.

(God I hate the culture around League so much.)

Favorite Thing I Wrote This Year:

Probably Letters Home? Not super sure why but it is one of the few times I've genuinely liked something I wrote mainly in a non-OC's perspective. It's a working point for Joker and Citlali, which are two characters I hesitate to write together for whatever reason.

(That and it's criminal how Tiptree and Joker's feelings related to it are just swept under the rug -- it's criminal!)

Favorite Fic I Read This Year:

@ljandersen's Sideways. Easily one of my favorites (even if I'm still behind a handful of chapters -- and mentioned it last year), just for the characterization alone. I absolutely love how their Kaidan(s) and Shepard(s) interact with each other, and the little details that turn out to be bigger than anyone would've guessed. I absolutely adore the ever-growing future that they've weaved into the story, as well as how they expanded the Mass Effect universe into something all their own. I'm really looking forward to seeing where the rest of the story goes.

@shockdowndefiance's A Momentary Lapse In Judgement. Though I really loved just about every work in their library (Allison Shepard my beloved) this one really stuck with me because it really examined the coup for what it was logically and what Bioware couldn't quite do, especially for a Kaidanmancing Shepard. Allison's universe extends Mass Effect something emotionally compelling, and this fic is probably one of the best examples of that. I still absolutely love how they resolved it, as well as how Allison's character really shines through here, both as Commander Shepard as well as -- well, a regular human being. It's painful at times, but also terribly comforting.

@swaps55's Sonata. I'm such a sucker for in-between moment Mass Effect stories, especially Shenko centered ones. Sam Shepard is such a compelling character, and his relationship with Kaidan is certainly one that makes you so very mushy on the inside. Swaps' writing style is something that'll suck you in and never quite let you go, and their attention to detail is something to be admired. (Which is why I was up until the middle of the night finishing it -- definitely worth the read!)

& (last but definitely not least)

@lyrishadow's Between Times. I still read it time to time just because it makes me happy and amuses me greatly. It was a birthday gift from them to me and it still makes me really happy. I really love how they weaved both of our Shepards together to write something so nice, and how they took the time out of their life to do it.

Writing Goals For 2022

Be less on myself about writing. I was genuinely feeling so guilty and completely paralyzed out of having any fun the entire months of October, November and December just because I hadn't gotten any substantial writing done. Which shouldn't be how I feel, writing is a hobby of mine. Just because I was more likely to reach for my stylus or even one of my games than I was my bookmark for my longfic doesn't mean I'm a failure, even if I would've liked to see more progress. I mean, hell I'm a high school student who's about to graduate in a couple months -- you'd think I'd be able to afford myself the same grace I give my peers.

(It's the validation. I live off of it. I shouldn't, but I do.)

Word Of Thanks

Thanking the lovely Lock + Key writers because you guys are lovely people, (@delinquest , @glyndwrwrites , @lnewmanwrites , @tayareum , @thesupremepuff + @colonelpknight [can't tag you]) thank you for going on such a wild ride with me this year, its been so freaking fun working with you all!

The lovely @mallaidhsomo for their contributions to Redamancy and all of the useful advice they've provided me with. Along with the rest of the Bioware Fanfiction server, I might not interact much but its a very comforting place to be. <3

@that-wasnt-so-bad + @kaidans-alenkos + @mariaalenkoshepard + @actualanxiousswampwitch + @oakstar519 for being the people I always love seeing in my notifs and inbox, and the people who always have the best headcanons for the canon characters and their own.

@sheyshen + @greencrusader13 + @anchanted-one + @naaklasolus for always being there to listen to my rambly nonsense in our development channel. And responding with your own OCs because I love them very much.

@asianshep + @tali-zorahs + @metzlishepard + @dickeybbqpit + the rest of the A.G.U discord because the lot of you have been so kind to me since I popped in just for fun a while ago. Y'all are fun, and are the absolute sweetest <3 (I will track down the rest of your tumblrs eventually).

Tentatively go forth and prosper into 2022!

[glamfellens]

3, 12, 26, 32, and 45 from the (more) Shepard asks for Audrey 💖

3. What’s Shepard’s love language? What love languages do they respond best to?

Audrey is not the most...emotionally available person, oops. The emotions are there, she feels them very strongly, it’s just the expression that she struggles with. As such I think she leans away from verbal displays of affection or affirmation and more into acts of service and devotion disguised as... practical? There’s a term for it but I forgot lmfao. Basically doing things like tying a tie, smoothing out creases in a shirt, cleaning someone's weapons for them. Physical affection for Audrey is a very private thing so she isn’t into PDA, she would much rather keep that between herself and a partner - and finds it much easier to express in private, anyway. Alternatively, I think Audrey responds best to what she struggles to give. While internally she understands why she acts the way that she does, she struggles to see that reasoning in other people. There’s little room for doubt in a verbal affirmation, and that’s what she needs, especially after everything that's happened throughout the trilogy. She might not be able to respond in a way that seems obvious but she has her own quiet, small ways of doing so that Kaidan understands.

12. Who is Shepard’s favorite non-companion character? (Shiala, Chakwas etc)

Definitely Dr. Chakwas! I headcanon that Karin and Mark (Audrey’s father) knew each other from when they attended medical school together (they’re both british so why not). Karin is basically an old family friend. So she feels somewhat obligated to look out for her old friend’s daughter though, noting that she seems to have inherited his recklessness. So Audrey and Karin are pretty close...one of the closer relationships Audrey shares with any of the crew. I guess it’s probably most similar to an Aunt-Niece sort of relationship but slightly more chill... since they like, drink and talk shit together.

26. What is Shepard’s relationship with Joker?

I think their biggest issue is the fact they have to work together, at least in the beginning. Joker’s sense of humour is Audrey’s sense of humour - the dryness, the wit and the sarcasm. So while she’s privately enjoying his snarky comments and eye rolling, she also has to maintain a professional front and like... not laugh. Lmao. I’d say they have a brother/sister vibe more than anything, which I think would become more apparent as the trilogy progresses and Audrey becomes less of a stickler for professionalism. There’s a slight rift between the two of them following ME2 as Joker feels guilty and responsible for Audrey’s death - while Audrey doesn’t have the emotional capacity and hasn’t really done enough emotional work within herself to really address this in order to resolve the tension. Of course the two of them avoid this for as long as possible, which ends up exploding near the end of ME3. I like to think once Audrey leaves the Alliance post reaper war then things would ease up between the two of them, and they get the chance to build on what's already there and share a good, long-lasting friendship.

32. Any vices?

Audrey smokes, mostly as a stress relief thing. It’s not a terribly consistent habit though, she can usually make a pack last about a week.

45. How many unread emails are in their inbox?

Surprisingly, not that many. However, The email from Kaidan after Horizon was definitely left unread right up until just before the Suicide Mission oops.

fifty (more) questions for commander shepard

[stormikins]

12, 20, 24, 25 for the more Shepard asks!

12. Who is Shepard’s favorite non-companion character?

-By non-companion I'm assuming not ground team. So, Joker They are besties. They hadn’t met before the Normandy assignment but they had heard of each other's name. Shepard the Hero of Elysium and Joker the Best Pilot in the Fleet. Shepard loves learning anything about the ships she's on and will join Joker up in the cockpit to watch the stars blur by and let him procrastinate with her on paperwork.

-In 2 things get a bit awkward bc Shepard died and Joker feels guilty and Shepard is trying to get their footing back. It takes a while before they get back to their rhythm.

-3 Oh boy! Shepard is stressed, Joker is stressed and even more so bc he’s trying to take care of Shepard. They’re a mess but Joker tries to give Shepard that bubble of reprieve that he gave her in 1.

20. List five songs your Shepard is currently listening to?

My Type by Saint Motel, Dead Man’s Party by Oingo Boingo , Alter Ego by KALEO, Get Ready by The Temptations, Imperial March from Star Wars.

24. How does Shepard handle house arrest? How do they fill their time?

-Shepard doesn’t mind being isolated bc being along is fine for them they just don’t like the reason. Do they understand? To an extent yes. But the council wants to keep going over Aratoht and what happened again and again and not doing anything about the real threat. Let’s just say everyone gets tired of everyone very fast.

-She fills her time with card games mainly, and music. I don’t really know what she would be allowed exactly so. She keeps up to date on her workout regimen, her and James talking about that.

25. How does Shepard react to meeting Javik, a real life prothean?

-She doesn’t believe it when Liara tells her and expects to see him dead when they open up the pod. Some part of her, the part that has the beacon and the cipher and his memories too thinks ‘finally’.

-She hopes she gets some tactical stuff from Javik but his pessimistic attitude does nothing to help against her own doubts fighting the reapers. She just tries not to let it get to her too much.

[swordsandshields99]

Chapters: 1/7 Fandom: Mass Effect Trilogy, Mass Effect - All Media Types Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Additional Tags: Friendship, Friendship/Love, Romance, Fluff and Smut @cactuarkitty - thanks! :)  Day 1 - Beach Day (Tried to give it a Citadel DLC vibe) Smut in Italics and sectioned, feel free to skip :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Yo, Shepard, can we talk to you for a second?” Jack’s voice came across the comms. “Sure thing. Did someone break something?” Shepard tried to tease the biotic. “Not yet, but I can’t promise not to break the cheerleader's arm if she doesn’t stop tapping her fingers on the console in a condescending way.”

Shepard sighed and put down the armor she was cleaning. She made her way to the elevator. “Hey Edi, if anyone is actually about to kill each other, let me know.”

“Of course, Shepard. If I were to inform you each time Jack complained about Operative Lawson, I believe you wouldn’t have any free time.”

“True enough,” Shepard chuckled. The AI was really growing on her.

Shepard exited the lift and turned into the mess hall, and was surprised to see her entire ground crew sitting around the long table. She glanced at Garrus, but he gave nothing away, other than popping a mandible out to the side in a sarcastic half-grin. “What’s all this about?”

“Shepard, it seems the crew have been discussing our current course of action,” Miranda started.

“You mean, our current course of non-action?” Shepard cut in.

“Yes,” Miranda said slowly. “Garrus has been adamant that he has tried to persuade you not to return to the Alliance.”

“He has, and as I told him, I’ve made up my mind. It’s something I have to do.”

“You don’t have to do shit,” Jack countered.

“You could go to the Council, Shepard. You’re a spectre, with spectre authority. They’ll be just as displeased as the Alliance, but they can use that authority to ride out the storm. The Alliance is just going to lock you up. Or worse. You don’t deserve that.” By the time Tali finished, she was wringing her hands and bouncing slightly on her feet.

Shepard looked down, “Listen, I appreciate your concern. But if I don’t go and take the fall, the political fall out will be detrimental to the Alliance. I might be a Spectre, but everyone in the galaxy knows where I came from.”

There was a horribly awkward silence in the room.

“I promise, I won’t let it affect any of you. Your names will all stay out of the report, and I will be adamant about the fact that I went there alone.”

“I could give two shits about what other people think. I still think you should take me up on the piracy thing,” Jack said, crossing her arms and nearly pouting. Shepard nearly laughed at the stance. Jack looked back at her. “It’s a nice ship. Stealth drives and all. Perfect opportunity wasted.”

“She’s not wrong,” Kasumi said, appearing out of thin air next to Jack.

“FUCKING SHIT!” Jack said, “God damn it I hate it when you do that.”

Kasumi blew her a kiss as she disappeared.

“Siha, it appears you are not willing to change your mind,” Thane said as calmly as ever.

“I find it admirable,” Samara nodded her head.

“I think falling on your sword to protect the very people who put you in the situation, the same people who expect you to follow orders blindly and not take responsibility for their own actions, isn’t exactly admirable,” Garrus said darkly, still leaning back in his chair.

Shepard knew he was angry. She didn’t blame him. But she kept a cool mask of command on her face. “I’m not changing my mind.”

“Then we would ask for a few days dry-docked. For repairs,” Miranda said slowly.

“Repairs? I thought we were nearly done with repairs. You all have been working around the clock on the Normandy.”

“Yes, well, there’s a few things we could take a look at on the outer hull. It’d be safer on the ground. We thought perhaps, since we’re close, we could stop here.” Miranda pulled out a map and pointed to a spot on the planet below. “We’ve actually been planning this since we left the Bahak System.”

Shepard blew out a small stream of air.

“The crew needs a break, Shep,” Garrus said.

“And time to say goodbye,” Tali added.

“Fine,” Shepard said. “You have anything to add Joker?”

“Not since you ever so reasonably agreed, no. Setting a landing trajectory now. Ready EDI?”

“Ready, Jeff.”

--------------------------------------------------------------

Shepard was sitting at her desk, finishing the last of the reports she had. She’d always hated filling out reports. Now though, she thought she might end up missing even this. She wasn’t sure what the Alliance had planned for her. A trial? Jail time? A harsher sentence? She didn’t think they’d hand her over to the Batarians, but the thought was still there in the back of her mind. When she had mentioned it to Garrus, he said he’d be there breaking her out before she even reached a Batarian system. And she hadn’t argued.

Just as she thought of him, he walked through her cabin doors. “Done with those reports yet?” he drawled.

“This is the last one,” she said as she signed off and sent it. “Done.” She blew out a breath and stretched her arms above her head. She looked over at Garrus, and saw he was carrying a duffle bag, and was dressed in shorts and a Turian style t-shirt. She couldn’t help but chuckle, “I know you’re not on duty, but that’s a little informal. Aren’t you freezing?”

“I am freezing my ass off Shep, but I won’t be for long. Let’s go.”

“Onto the surface?”

“Yeah, where else? I’m not letting you spend your last shore leave in this cabin.”

“Hmmm,” she said suspiciously.

“Here,” he said as he threw the duffle at her. “Put these on.”

Shepard opened the bag and rose her eyebrows at him, “I can’t tell if this is practical, or if you just want me in a bikini.”

Garrus laughed, throwing his head forward and shaking it slightly. “Maybe it’s both?” He took out the sunscreen from her bag. “And don’t forget this.”

“Do you need some too?” she asked as she started spraying it on.

He shook his head. “The sun and radiation would have to be a hell of a lot stronger for me to need something like that. Palaven’s sun throws a lot more than this one.”

She nodded, “All right, all right Mr. Tough Guy, I got it.” She stripped off her civvies and threw on the bikini and sun dress. She put her hair in a braid that came over her shoulder. “All right, let’s do this.” She wouldn’t have planned a vacation. It wouldn’t have felt right. But her crew planning it, or needing it? That was a different story. And she was grateful.

They walked throughout the empty ship towards the cargo bay doors. “Where is everybody?” she asked.

“Already down there,” he said. “I think they were excited.”

Shepard stepped off the ship and was shocked. It was stunningly beautiful. It reminded her of when her parents had taken her to Jamaica once when she was young. “Wow,” she said softly. There was nothing within many kilometers of them. Not a soul in sight other than their ship and crew. “A private beach?”

Kasumi walked up to her with a small cooler, “Take your pick, Shep,” she said with a smile. There were beer and wine coolers. Shepard took one and thanked Kasumi. “The Dextro beers are all over by Tali,” Kasumi said before she skipped away.

"She’s even in a cloak on beach day,” Garrus rumbled, wiggling his brow plates at her.

Shepard laughed and walked towards Tali, “Go get a beer, big guy.”

“SHEEPPHHEEERRDD,” a loud voice boomed from a ways down the beach. Shepard looked down and saw Grunt splashing through the water with a small pistol, shooting at fish. “This is fun, heheh,” he said to himself as he picked up a fish he had somehow managed to shoot.

“Aww,” Zaeed said sarcastically before rolling his eyes. The man was sitting on a lounging chair with 5 beer cans on the sand around him. He laid back, closing his eyes before saying, “Good day Shepard. Good day.”

Joker was sitting next to the man with his eyes shut as well. “If I get a sunburn, I’m blaming you.”

Shepard threw her sunscreen at him. “If you get sunburned, you’ll worry EDI.”

“Har-har,” he said grumpily as he started spraying the sunscreen.

Thane was down the beach further, on the opposite end of Grunt Shepard noticed, showing Samara something that resembled Tai Chi. Actually, Shepard was pretty sure it was Tai Chi. She could still remember all the moves from when she took classes aboard her mother’s starship as a kid. She joined them silently, and allowed herself to meditate peacefully.

Once she’d had enough, she stopped, unsure of how much time had passed. Samara and Thane gave her small smiles as she walked away. She found Garrus was shooting blanks with a sniper rifle into the trees. Suddenly, Shepard saw the shimmer of failed shields and Kasumi’s cloak came down. “Damn!” the thief swore. “How in the hell did you know where I was that time?”

Garrus shrugged, “A gentlemen never tells.”

Tali swooped in from behind and jumped up to grab at his visor. “I’ll give you two guesses,” she said as she inspected it.  

“Hey!” Garrus said, in a more shocked tone than Shepard would have expected. “Give that back,” he said as he pushed down on the Quarians helmet, reaching up so the visor was far out of her reach.

“Alright Garrus, no visor,” Kasumi said as she disappeared.

Garrus held the visor in one hand and aimed with the other. It took 10 seconds before he placed his next shot, and Kasumi’s shields went down again. Kasumi grumbled and switched on her cloak again.

Garrus’ eyes went wide and he hunched over his weapon slightly. Shepard heard him make a small noise of satisfaction before pulling the trigger.

“Oh, you’re good, Archangel,” Kasumi purred as she sauntered up to him. “I can see why you’re into him, Shep,” Kasumi called over to her.

Shepard just waved back with a grin and kept walking down the beach. There was a slight bend and suddenly she could see Mordin by the water, bent over looking at something. As she approached, she realized he was poking around some kind of sea creature with a stick. She stood next to him quietly as he observed it. “At first, wasn’t looking forward to ‘beach day’,” he said with air quotes. “Looked forward to comradery of course, but can get that on ship, or in lab. Surprising results. Thoroughly enjoying discovering new marine wildlife.” She saw his eyes flick back towards the sand. “Perhaps will try hand at fossils and shells next.”

Shepard smiled. As Mordin continued searching the shallow waters, Shepard started searching for shells on the beach. When she found what she thought must be the most beautiful one on the beach, she walked back over to him and handed it out to him.

“Ah!” he exclaimed, turning towards her and taking the shell. “How interesting! Gastropoda, free of inhabitants. Periostracum still slightly spongy, not old. Whorl, apex, aperture all typical. Extremely symmetrical. Red and orange in color, unsure of internal structuring.”

Shepard waited patiently as he continued his analysis until he stopped suddenly. He looked down at her and took a deep breath. “Beautiful. Thank you, Shepard.” He put the shell in one of his lab coat pockets.

She rose a brow, “That’s rather sentimental for you, isn’t it doctor?”

He shook his head, “Sometimes, sentimentality - appropriate. No point to life without the enjoyment of it.”

Shepard smiled at him. “Some friends make that exceedingly easy to do so.”

Mordin seemed genuinely taken aback, but nodded enthusiastically. “Indeed, they do.”

Legion walked up behind them, “Shepard Commander, are you searching for marine wildlife? This unit believes it can be of assistance.”

“Doctor?” Shepard asked.

“Hmmm, could prove useful in cataloging findings. Legion, please assist in cataloging findings of new marine biology.”

“Nice, thanks Legion,” Shepard said with a smile.

The Geth’s brow plates rose and fell quickly, “This unit enjoys being useful.”

Shepard rose her brows at Mordin. Before their adventures, she doubted Legion would have used the word “enjoys” at all. “I’m glad,” she said back before turning around.

She let them continue their search in the waters as she made her way back to the group. She came around the bend, and saw Jack, Jacob, and Miranda teaching Garrus and Tali how to play Volleyball. “Shepard, we need another player!” Jacob yelled out.

“I’m in,” she said as she ditched the sun dress and dug her toes into the sand to run towards them. “I grew up on a ship, but I managed to learn how to play. They know the rules?” she asked, pointing towards Garrus and Tali.

“I think we’ve got it,” Tali said.

They played for nearly an hour before they tired themselves out. “Forgot you had about a ½ a meter in height on us Vakarian,” Jacob grumbled as he and Miranda walked off towards the drinks.

Garrus shrugged with a grin, “What can I say.”

“Want to cool off in the water?” Shepard asked.

Garrus looked out at the ocean apprehensively, “Uhh… yeaaah, I’m not so sure about that.”

“Look, we don’t have to go in too deep. Mordin found a nice quiet spot around the bend a ways, there are hardly any waves at all. Just go in to your waist and get cooled off with me.”

Garrus sighed heavily. “Fine.”

They walked till they were just past Mordin and Legion. “Alright if we swim here?” She asked him.

Mordin came up from his studies. “Of course, Shepard.” Then he rose his brow at Garrus. “Aware of Turian aversion to submersion in waters. Interesting. Found a cove 20 meters that way. Completely shallow and secluded from waves and wildlife. Should be more comfortable.”

Garrus looked at Shepard and she could tell he was about to say no to the whole thing. “Alright, thanks Mordin, c’mon scaredy cat. Let’s go to the cove.”

“Shepard, I have no idea what a scaredy cat is. Is it some kind of pet?”

She laughed and marched forwards.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cove was beautiful. There were trees above keeping it mostly in the shade, and the water was calm and shallow. Shepard waded in and it only went up to her chest. “C’mon Garrus, look, it’s not deep. It won’t go up to your cowl, for sure.” He looked at her with a look that said he’d rather jump in a varren pit. “I’ll make it worth your while?”

He rose a brow plate, and dipped his feet in. The water was warm at least, so he continued until he stood next to Shepard. She took a step into him so that they were touching and wrapped her arms around him. “Alright, it’s not so bad,” he said reluctantly.

She gazed at him with a look that could melt metal, and took a deep breath in, before slowly sinking below the water. “Shepard,” he said nervously, although he knew she couldn’t hear him.

Shepard held onto his hips to stay below the water with one hand, and started moving his shorts aside with the other. Garrus’ breath hitched. He couldn’t help the rush that went straight to his groin, and he also couldn’t help but still feel nervous in the water. Shepard pushed him back and he took a few steps backwards until his legs hit something when they were nearing the edge. A rock. She pushed him again and he stumbled awkwardly, sitting on the rock. She came up for air and kissed his mandible, sucking on the tips. Garrus groaned, digging his talons into her waist. She submerged again, and he held his breath, partially out of anticipation of what she might do next and partially out of nerves for her being under the water. He knew humans were better with that, but it was ingrained.

He suddenly felt a small tongue lick up the seams of his pelvic plates and he groaned again, digging his talons through her hair. He felt small fingers dig between the plates in his waist. She came up for air again, straddling his lap to kiss him. She ground her hips against his. She was weightless, floating above him, ghosting over his plates, until she pushed herself down into him and began grinding harder into him. “Shepard,” he growled as he nipped at her neck. She suddenly went back under water and nipped at his pubic plate quickly, and licked all the way up and down his seam slowly. He felt his seam part as he groaned loudly, bucking his hips into her as his erection began to grow, emerging from his seam. He felt her lick at it until it came all the way through, and she sucked his cock into her mouth as it grew.

“Fuck,” he said as he threw his head back and bucked his hips. She sucked hard, head bobbing up and down twice before she had to come up for air. She was panting hard and she straddled his lap again, slowly lowering herself onto him, until  his tip was hilted within her.

Shepard moaned loudly and rocked back and forth slightly with her hips. He felt her muscles contract around him a few times and he groaned. Shepard grinned at him before lifting up and moving back down. He could tell it was harder for her in the water, and he placed his hands on her hips and began lifting her up, and slamming her down onto him. It didn’t take long before they were both panting, and it just wasn’t enough. He put her legs around his waist and stood, walking to the back of the cove, he pressed her back against the stony wall and pushed himself into her with a grunt. Shepard squeezed her legs around his waist, one arm holding on around his back, the other wrapped around his neck with her hand massaging under his fringe.

She was so tight, and he hadn’t yet been fully inside her. He took his finger and massaged the nub he knew drove her wild. Shepard began moaning loudly. “God, yes Garrus, fuck,” she groaned. Slowly, with each thrust he pushed further and further inside of her until even the bulge of his base slipped inside of her with a pop. Shepard screamed at that and held on tighter. “Don’t stop,” she screamed, and he didn’t, couldn’t really. He felt her come hard, her walls squeezing him. “Garrus,” she panted. Garrus couldn’t speak, he was too far gone. He merely groaned against her neck as he continued pounding into her, faster and harder.

“Come inside me, Garrus,” she moaned, and he lost control. He came hard with a roar, continuing to pump inside her in erratic thrusts. His body completely enveloped hers against the stone. She was so small, wrapped up in his arms, and he curled around her, willing himself to stay standing. He felt her kiss his mandible lightly. “God, you’re sexy.”

He chuckled, kissing her forehead, “So are you.”

Shepard slipped down and swam in the water to cool off before they headed back. Garrus sat back on the rock and watched, enjoying the view and surprisingly, the cool water around his waist.

--------------------------------------------------

Shepard and Garrus walked back along the beach, hands brushing often. The sun was setting, and it was creating a beautiful glow around them. The whole team was sitting, watching the sunset when the pair joined them.

The group was quiet, reflective. Even Grunt, to Shepard’s surprise. He was growing up, after all. Shepard leaned against Garrus’ shoulder, and they sat there until the sun dipped below the horizon.

“Alright you bunch of pussys,” Zaeed said, elegantly as ever. “Round two.” He started throwing beer bottles at everyone.

“That’s more like it,” Jack huffed.

“Bonfire’s made!” Jacob said as he got the largest bonfire Shepard had ever seen lit using driftwood from the beach.

The team drank under the numerous stars. There were drinking games and songs, friendly wagers and shoot-the-bottle competitions. It was 3 in the morning before they packed up and headed inside. Shepard held Garrus’ hand to pull him back behind the crew and gave him one last kiss under the stars.