#whatever you choose I cannot bear the thought that my soul should be separated from yours

[omaano]

They aren't very good at this

I blame discord for this: as in everyone was in such great agreement that it would be very cool and full of great symbolic potential if Paz was a Zabrak under the helmet, meanwhile I decided to double down on a joke and make him big and blue within his shell as well. So he is a Pantoran now with a fantastic pastel beard (and Din got the full update finally too!)

Check out more posts in my Mandalorian meets Hades hobby project at the link ;)

[tanadrin]

Seven Swords Against Difficult Problems

When Alexander the conquering king came to Gordium, he heard the legend of the Gordian Knot, which no one could untie. Whoever could separate the ox-cart Gordias had tied to its post, should rule all of Asia; and Alexander, ambitious and cunning, thought for a long time on the problem. Finally, he arose and went to the marketplace where the cart was tied, unsheathed his sharp word, and cut it in half with a single stroke. From Gordium, his armies marched as far as India, fulfilling the prophecy of the oracles.

The first sword, which is the key to all others: In the real world, the constraints of the problem as presented are often not the same as the actual constraints you must labor under.

* * *

When Alexander the conquering king came to Gordium, he heard the legend of the Gordian Knot, which no one could untie. Whoever could separate Gordias' ox-cart from the post it was tied to, should be a mighty king indeed, and Alexander very much desired power and glory. After thinking for a long time, he arose and went to the marketplace, and approached the knot. He drew his sharp sword; but a wise old priest in the crowd, seeing this, cried, "Halt!"

"What is it?" Alexander asked.

"Do you propose to cut the knot, and in so doing, fulfill the prophecy?"

"I do," said Alexander.

"But that's not right," the priest said. "The prophecy isn't 'whoever separates the ox-cart from the post, by whatever means they choose, will be king of all Asia.' Perhaps you've been misled by the Greek translation, which is λύω, λύειν, and can mean either 'untie' or simply 'separate.' But the original prophecy was in Phrygian, and there the distinction is quite clear: the knot must be untied, not merely cut."

Alexander looked at the knot. It was tied of a rope made of cornel-bark, and very old; and such was its age that it had rotted and frayed, and years of exposure to the rain and sun had wetted and dried it again, until it was all a single hardened mass of organic matter. It was not even really a rope anymore.

"I doubt that it can be untied. It hardly qualifies as a knot anymore."

"Nonetheless, untied it must be."

"And if I do cut the knot?"

"The prophecy is void, your kingdom will fail, and you die alone in the desert and be eaten by wild dogs."

"That's in the prophecy?"

"It's in the commentaries, which are considered extremely reliable."

Alexander thought about this for a moment; then he shoved the old priest aside, cut the knot with his sword, and went on to conquer all of Asia in defiance of both the prophecy and its commentaries.

The second sword: Metaphysically perfect methods are no virtue, if they cannot in fact yield benefit. Metaphysically imperfect methods are no vice, if they yield the desired aim.

* * *

When Alexander the benevolent prince came to Gordium, he found in the marketplace there some beggars; and moved by pity at their state, he enquired among some of the townsfolk as to how these unhappy persons came to their condition in life. "It the same sad old tale," the townsfolk answered, "the same vicious cycle that occurs in many places, but which we call here the Gordian Knot, for it is so difficult to untangle. They are unrighteous souls, mired in poverty by their own bad decisions; but though we have offered them virtuous paths out of that poverty--welfare programs with a work requirement, sober living facilities with a curfew, and other ways they can become productive members of society--they either disdain them, or when their desperation finally drives them to try, they fail, and return to their previous state. We can do nothing to help them."

Alexander was puzzled by this. "Tell me, sir," he said, turning to a well-dressed man next to him. "Are you sober?"

"At the moment, or generally?"

"Generally, I mean."

"Well, no."

He turned to a woman on his other side.

"Do you observe a curfew?"

"Of course not," the woman said. "But then, I'm a productive member of society."

He turned to a third person.

"Have your bad choices ever led you astray?"

"Perhaps," the third person said.

“And did you suffer the consequences?”

“For a time,” they admitted, “until my friends came to my aid.”

"Yet no one here will be a friend to these beggars."

"Look," said one of the townsfolk, "we're not heartless. We want to help. But we want to be sure our charity isn't wasted on the undeserving."

Alexander thought about this for a little while. Then he went to the marketplace, gave all the money he had on him to the indigents there, and told his personal assistant to write as many checks as his accounts would bear, to ensure that at least for a time each would have a place to live and food to eat and clothes to wear, whatever happened.

"But," the townsfolk said to him, "aren't you worried your money will go to waste?"

"It seems to me," Alexander said, "that the surest way to turn an undeserving wretch into a deserving one is not to set them up to fail. I note that all the help you have offered the beggars of Gordium is conditional on them behaving in ways more austere and virtuous than you would ever impose on yourselves. And on top of that, none of you have to deal with even a small part of the hardship that these beggars do; so if you cannot aspire to the virtue you demand of them, even in your comfortable lives, how can you say that this demand for great virtue on their part in order to be worthy of your help is fair? Better to give help without conditions, in the hopes that at least some part of the cycle will be broken, than to give help that is no help really at all.

"And even if in the end their condition returns to what it was before, they shall have had warm beds and hot food tonight, and that is not nothing."

The third sword: No kindness at all is wasted. No compassion is useless.

* * *

When Alexander the thoughtful prince came to Gordium, he inquired after the history of that place, for he knew that by the careful study of history, the wise prince better understands the forces that shape a realm in the present day. He learned from the governing priests that lately the city was in a great malaise; for its spiritual life was in decline, its lords tried in vain to revive the piety of the people, and there was a general decadence and falling-off of virtue among the people.

"When I came to this city, I saw many beggars," said Alexander.

"Yes," said the priests, "for there are those who disdain hard work, and will only beg for their living now."

"And when passed by the workshops and factories, I saw laborers grumbling about bad wages, and precarious positions."

"Yes," said the priests, "for they have lost all respect for authority."

"Perhaps," said Alexander. "But would feeding the beggars, and looking to the health of Gordium's industry, and attending to the needs of the city's body not do much to alleviate her ills?"

"But nothing to alleviate the ills of her spirit," said the priests, "for which prayer and piety are the only answer."

"Perhaps, perhaps," said Alexander, bemused. "But maybe it is easier to be pious when your belly is full, and your livelihood is not imperiled."

The fourth sword: Let the question 'but what are the material implications?' be your most ardent refrain.

* * *

When Alexander the thoughtful prince came to Gordium, he inquired after the history of that place, for he knew that by the careful study of history, the wise prince better understands the forces that shape a realm in the present day. He learned from the governing priests that lately the city was in a great malaise; for its spiritual life was in decline, its lords tried in vain to revive the piety of the people, and there was a general decadence and falling-off of virtue among the people.

"Yet when I came to this city, I passed no beggars in the marketplace," Alexander said.

"The city is wealthy, it is true; but its heart is sterile," said the priests.

"And I saw many happy youths in Gordium's parks and gardens."

"But they have turned away from the gods, for their parents have not taught them piety," said the priests.

"And the laborers in the workshops and factories were content; and Gordium is safe from all her enemies."

"But we are a pale shadow of the city we once were, when our hearts were filled with devotion."

"Do you see any remedy for this situation?" Alexander asked.

"Perhaps not, for the people will not suffer anything to upset the status quo--but maybe some great calamity will intervene, and our people will be shaken out of their complacency. Then the youths might learn the virtues of patriotism and service, of fighting for their homeland; then in privation, the people might learn the meaning of sacrifice. Then the virtues might be cultivated that would be necessary to make Gordium once again a moral place."

"Let me get this straight," Alexander said carefully. "Your people are prosperous and content and they bring their children up in safety; they yearn, perhaps, for a metaphysical fulfillment which is sadly absent in the present age--but the thing they seem to have obtained in exchange for this is a life superior in all other respects. And you believe the comparatively happy remedy to this circumstance would be war, ruin, famine, and terror?"

The fifth sword: As for those matters which are purely metaphysical--you may safely permit the gods attend to them on their own time.

* * *

When Alexander the thoughtful prince came to Gordium, he heard there was a legend that once, there were many scholars gathered there to debate a difficult question, which they called in honor of their meeting-place the Gordian Knot. The question was this: how best does a society promote freedom for its citizens? They discussed many matters that seemed related to this question to them: free enterprise, and free markets, and the freedom to enter contracts; free speech; universal suffrage; and bills of rights. In the end, they produced a new constitution for the entire realm of Phrygia, which was intended to give every person within its borders complete freedom and equality under the law; and the state reserved for itself only those powers necessary to defend that constitution.

When the notables of Gordium told him this, Alexander was puzzled. "But I passed many beggars as I entered the market-place today," he said.

"We do not claim our realm is a utopia," the gathered notables said. "Only that here, we are very free. A beggar may still vote in Gordium; they have the perfect freedom to become a minister in government--if they are able."

"Has that ever happened?"

"Well... no," admitted the notables.

"And when I passed by the city's workshops and factories," Alexander said, "it seemed to me that there were many workers who worked long hours and grumbled about their wages, who were very discontent with their jobs."

"It's true," the notables said. "There are those who barely make a living wage here. But they can choose different and better jobs--if they can find them."

"Do such jobs exist?"

"We're not sure," the notables admitted. "But even the lowest worker may become a wealthy capitalist--if they are able."

"Has that ever happened?"

"It is rare, but it has happened."

"And what is this I hear about your rival realm to the west, Lydia, that you despise?"

"Oh, there a man is not free!" said the notables. "Their constitution is wicked; the rights of property are contingent, the rights of employees to enter into free employment contracts are hampered, for the kinds of contract permitted are regulated by the state. Taxes are onerous, for private charity is scorned, and they attempt to provide all necessities at the expense of the wealthy."

"I just passed through Lydia. They are a democracy like you, are they not?"

"They are."

"Lydia has wealthy men and women?"

"Oh yes, many. They are not as wealthy as in Phrygia, though."

"And they seem to have many fewer beggars."

"That... may be so," the notables said. "But it comes at a great cost."

"And the benefits employers provide are better in Lydia. And workers have a say in how their workshops and factories are run."

"It is a cruel limit to freedom."

"And a man in Lydia was just telling me that because of government assistance, he was able to take some time off work and go back to college to get his degree. He expected to earn more when he returned as a result. Does this happen often in Phrygia?"

"Only if you can afford the time off, and pay for college. But it's an incentive to work hard."

"It seems to me," said Alexander, "that here in Phrygia, one has many rights, but one must be very wealthy or very lucky to use them. Perhaps in Lydia, one has fewer rights--but the rights which one actually has the opportunity to exercise are far greater. It must seem to the Lydians that they are far freer than the Phrygians."

"It is not so," the notables said.

"Maybe--if you are a wealthy or powerful Phrygian. Or if you aspire to be. But there are few of those, and many ordinary Lydians who consider themselves very free."

The sixth sword: The usefulness of a definition is contingent on the circumstances in which it is applied.

* * *

When Alexander came to Gordium, as in each other city he visited, he made it his habit to speak to both its noble and downtrodden citizens alike. In those days in Gordium, there were the Mark-Bearers, so called for they were born with a serpentine shape on their forehead, which resembled a knotted cord of cornel-bark. They were considered cursed by the gods, and were expelled from their families; and they dwelt apart, at the edge of the city. They were not permitted to vote, to own property, to marry, or to hold office; and if a child without the sign of the knot was born to them, it was taken away as soon as it was discovered.

Alexander went among the mark-bearers and spoke to them as friends; and they welcomed him. "We are pleased you have come, noble prince," they said to him; "Perhaps you can help us convince the people of Gordium to end their oppression of us."

"What shall I say to them?” asked Alexander.

The mark-bearers debated among themselves for a little while, then said to him, "We think you should say this: by the careful study of natural philosophy, we have determined both that the sign of the knot is a harmless genetic feature, a mere quirk of melanin which appears on the forehead owing to a benign gene; and it cannot be removed, whether by prayer or washing; and therefore it is unjust that we should be considered unclean and outcast; for this is a property we cannot change, and with which we were fated to be born."

But Alexander was aghast at this. "Have the markless among which you live so poisoned your perception of yourselves, that these are your paramount arguments: We cannot change it; and, it is innate? Had a wicked sorcerer come to Gordium in the night and, contriving to create dissension among the people, arbitrarily marked every twentieth soul with the sign of the knot--would then your suffering be deserved? If you had tattooed yourselves, as a sign of your fraternal association, but in no other way changed your behavior toward your fellow human beings--would you then be unclean and wicked?

Those of you who bear this mark deserve not to be scorned and shunned by your fellows, not because this is a condition from which you cannot escape--though that may be true--but because there is no evil to them in it; because their prejudice is cruel and unreasonable in itself, not because your humanity is a thing to be justified to them."

The seventh sword: Who you are, whether that can be changed, whether that should be changed, whether it is natural, and whether you deserve to be treated humanely, are each distinct questions. And the answer to the last one is always 'yes.'

[ofhamlcts]

hi all!!! I’m Emily and I am absolutely thrilled to be here writing with you! I seriously cannot wait to begin plotting and writing and all of the angst we’re going to kill each other with! but for now, i’ll quit my rambling and start introducing the mess that is my child.

without further ado: larissa griffith aka hamlet

PINTEREST / APPLICATION 

I do not - and will never - expect you to read my long ass, rambly application because we are all adults with lives!!! below, i’ve summarised the most important information into short(er)  bullet points for your consumption! these should give you a good insight into who lar is as a character and serve as a launch pad for plotting!!!

(TW: Alcoholism and abuse)

larissa has strong roots in Britain's working class, going all the way back to the industrial revolution. traditionally miners, her entire family has a chip on their shoulder about Thatcher and that stand off with the miners, forcing them to turn abandon their traditions and livelihoods. instead, her mother was/is a careworker and her father was a factory worker. 

she grew up poor - dirt poor - but her mother forbade her from knowing it. instead, she enlisted lysander to conceal the truth; a kindness on both their parts. she encouraged the pair to “make their own magic” -  bus-trips to neighbouring towns to substitute for far-flung holidays, treasure hunts in charity shops instead of newly wrapped birthday treats, bargain hunting in supermarkets instead of gourmet dishes.

Lysander was at the centre of her childhood. Two years her senior, they were a two-pieced puzzle, complementary in their opposites. The boy with the bleeding heart, he was kindness personified; the first to befriend an outcast, accepting of people’s shortcomings, optimistic in his belief that the trajectory of life was up. Lysander was both best friend and brother, co-conspirator and protector.

Shit hit the fan after the 2008 financial crash. Her mother’s pay was frozen and her father was laid off. Faced with failure as a provider, husband and father - his identity eroded - he transformed into something else. He drank. A lot. At first, the drinking isn’t so bad.  Between one and five glasses, he’s a joy. He sings Christmas songs in July and dances like he’ll never have the chance to again. After that comes the bits Larissa never saw. Arguments between her parents - over money, unemployment and benefits - soon grow physical. At the end of the night, her father always begs for forgiveness and promises to never drink again. Her mother always forgives him. And he always breaks his word. Lysander ensured she never knew what was going on in their house.

He protected her in other ways too. when Larissa was eleven, her father came home drunk and demanded she go with him on a father-daughter road trip. lysander intervened, first attempting to reason with him. when that fails, he orders you out. child that she was, larissa wriggled free from her father’s trip and fled to lysander’s room, where she knew she’d always be safe. hours later, Lysander pulled back the covers, his face shaded in dried blood and hastily applied bandages. come on, he urged, it’s time to go on an adventure.

Adventure turned out to be two children and one shaken mother moving into their grandparents house thirty minutes outside of Edinburgh. Determined to ensure that abuse didn’t blight their future, she insisted on both siblings sitting and passing entrance exams and scholarship interviews for the leading private school. Both she and Lysander passed. But from the very beginning, it was clear that they were different from everyone else. The other students had double-barrelled surnames and parents who were titans of industry and the creme-de-la-creme of society. Possessed by their own self-worth, they were the very embodiment of entitlement. Larissa despised them instantly, taking their existence as proof of a fundamental ill in the universe. It wasn’t fair that they had so much when she had so little, or that their families continued to be whole.

Lysander saw things differently. Fire and water, sun and moon - she had always known there were fundamental differences between the two of them, but hadn’t thought they would ever drive them apart. Whilst Larissa spurned her new school, preferring to bury her head in her work and befriend the librarians, Lysander threw himself head first into his new life, choosing to see the opportunity and kindness in his new peers. Bit by bit, the gulf between them widened - until they led separate lives. It broke her heart. Larissa didn’t know what to do with her sorrow except unleash it upon Lysander, leading to their one and only argument. She accused him of looking down upon his family and of being ashamed of them. She even used the words class traitor

Fences were only mended between the two of them on account of Larissa finding out what had really happened between her mother and her father - and realising the truth of her own past. Once she understood what Lysander had done to protect her, Larissa bit her lip and swallowed her pride; knocking on his door to apologise. From that moment forward, she swore she would do whatever she could to repay him.

More than anything else, Larissa felt guilty that she hadn’t known about her father’s true nature. Remorseful that she hadn’t helped. Whilst her family told her not to chastise herself, pointing out she had only been a child - Larissa insisted on bearing a cross and atoning for her sins. From then on, she swore to repay the kindness shown to her by her mother and Lysander and dedicate her life to protecting society’s most vulnerable, single handedly correcting the injustices she witnessed, whether they be gender, racial or class.

Larissa entered Ashcroft with her fists curled, ready to go to war and burn the establishment to the ground if that was what it took to succeed. Mind already made up, she decided that Ashcroft was like every other university - dominated by white men, more obsessed with statistics than welfare and infected with rampant sexism.

Sure enough, she got to work immediately. Unable to bite her lip, Larissa called out every slight, intentional or otherwise. Headstrong and stubborn, once she has the bit between her teeth she’s restless in her pursuit. In her two-and-a-bit years at Ashcroft, she’s prosecuted several successful campaigns. From picking apart the English literature reading list for being too colonial, calling out Lecturers on their sexist bullshit and launching a petition to force Ashcroft to divest from fossil fuel investments, no cause escapes her attention. By far, her most ambitious campaign was in her first year, once she  discovered that Ashcroft’s cleaners - as agency workers - were being denied fair wages, holiday leave and sick pay. Outraged, she spearheaded a campaign to bring them ‘in-house’; the first person to arrive and the last person to leave the picket lines.

Larissa initially rejected Oberon Ashcroft’s invitation into the Imperium society. Invited after she stormed into his office and delivered a list of cleaners demands, she refused to join until he acceded to the cleaner’s demands. He did so immediately - trapping her in her own promises. 

Larissa’s dislike for Octavia was no big secret. Her brother’s taste in partners has always been poor - so whilst she wasn’t surprised he went for another blonde heiress, Larissa was disappointed; knowing that it could only end in heartbreak for her brother. Girls like Octavia did not end up with boys from families like hers. 

There’s no such thing as justice. That’s Larissa’s new motto; practically every other sentence out of her mouth since Lysander was arrested. Whilst her brother put - and continues to place - his father in the judicial system, she saw the writing on the wall from the beginning - suspecting that he was one small pawn in someone else’s game. There is no doubt in her mind that Lysander is innocent - nor has there ever been any. 

Larissa offered to lie on the stand for Lysander; offering him the alibi that would have seen him slip the noose around his neck. He forbid her, telling her to think of her career, her freedom, her life. He didn’t know that there wasn’t a life worth living without him in it. 

Besides, her life has changed beyond all recognition. Some of those changes are of her own making. Stricken by grief, she’s abandoned almost everyone and everyone who meant anything. Theresa was the first to fall by the wayside, abandoned without a moment’s thought. It’s too selfish to try to be happy whilst her brother rots. Academics go next - her grades slip letter by letter, until Headmaster Ashcroft writes sternly worded letters warning of a scholarship loss. She’s even lost interest in her causes; all injustices paling in comparison to the one committed against Lysander. In short, she’s turned against the world, half-gladly.

Coming back to Ashcroft was a bad idea, but she’ll never admit it. Her newly minted title of “sister of the murderer” is not an easy one to bear. Someone starts a rumour that she��ll be expelled from the Imperium Society. More people hope it’s true. Never apt at biting her tongue, she punches them - and half a dozen more - in the face. 

Larissa has tried to convince Lysander to fight back - to launch an appeal, do an interview with the media to tell his story - to do something, anything! Every time, his answer is the same. Sadly, he shakes his head.

Octavia comes in the space between dreams and nightmares. Her beauty has been snatched from her, drained with her life force. She finds this version of Octavia an easier one to stomach. Without facade, Larissa can stare directly into her soul. How is it that dead, Octavia feels more human to her? Younger too - before her eyes, Larissa sees Octavia as she must have once been - a little girl with all the fire of life inside of her. Any hate borne towards her in life softens into pity. Catching her glancing at a photo of her and Lysander, Larissa asks the one question that will shake the universe. Did he kill you? With only half a second to consider the weight of that question - and whether she wants to hear the answer, Octavia shakes her head. No.

Larissa makes Octavia a promise. She swears not to rest until she finds the person who did. Not for her, but for Lysander.

[hippyspacewitch]

Unable to freely wield confidence temporarily displayed for whatever partial second you might see. Very few even exist, if not any for the majority of time, before I began capturing moments. It isn’t to remember, recently I’ve spent far too much time trying to fall back into my picture. Making an attempt to ward away this lost sense of identity, but that action alone cannot stop a snapshot from reducing everything by nature, therefore in my opinion cheapening my experience somewhat.

During my time in Arizona, there were members of certain Native American tribes which informed me they believe a photograph is capable of stealing a person’s essence. Not necessarily all at once. It depends on what kind of power the object and person in its possession hold.

Soul searching is endless in a way. I’ve accepted that things can never be how I want them to be, not entirely. There’s a lot to cover there, so I won’t even start. I’ll just say, I hope growing does not end here.

It’s been a few months since my physical health has taken a bit of a downturn. I haven’t opened up to anyone about it. I don’t intended on elaborating here, but it hasn’t been very good. I have an appointment to hopefully find referrals in February. I’ll know more after that. My attitude hasn’t been good either. At times I want to get sick and die, just so I can feel even close to satisfied knowing I made changes anyone who knew me five years ago could plainly see, but more than that I’m happy to have been true to myself to the point I cry tears of joy.

May come as a surprise to some, but I do pray, and listen I have every excuse to believe at one time or another, the Goddess has abandoned me, yet I reach out. I am Her symbol of faith. There is a reason I’m sensitive. Although you may not agree with the methodology, my dedication is indisputable. It is this day again, humble but willing to ask for more patience and strength.

Hoping to distinguish a difference between me, myself, and my ego the living embodiment of frailty. If I can make it through the year improving my health, then it shall be for the better. It has been painful making changes again, I keep telling myself it will get easier, but if it gets worse before it gets better, so be it.

I sold the world. Leaving everyone I knew well enough behind, never asking one person to follow me. If you are a person who once uttered my dead name, and you are reading this now. I needed you a long time ago.

I ran the social media gambit with people from my past who thought now it was time to pay attention, after I did all the hard work on my own. For a while, I entertained their approval so they could pat themselves on the back, and say they were there to make a difference. No one made a difference besides me. No one made it easier, in actuality the people I romanticized the most served to disappoint me and my unreachable expectations, not saying the bar ever need to be high for some.

For those who only know this person by her true name, I apologize if you’ve made any real attempt to reach me, only to be shut out. I am often unreachable, unresponsive, and disassociative. I don’t have energy for anyone not really here, in a deeper sense I’m so desperate for the alternative. I used to pretend very well to care about people who have little to not interest in my wellbeing. I made it my profession for awhile, but I never thought I could make a life from it. Care that comes outside of reading a post every few months, where I just explode like this. For that alone connections are not a priority for me, as I’m just working on reinventing myself to where I better recognize the womxn I have hid away more than most of my life.

Luckily, even though I’ve treaded a long way out to water, there is still this amazing person who is so patient with me, she has been for a few years now, she is accepting of all my faults, and looking out for me. We share a similar path and even if we don’t have a physical romantic relationship, I love her. I’m not a fetish to her, she doesn’t sexualize my needs to align myself correctly. She’s the first honest to god person to help me improve myself. We have had our struggles and she has grown so much since I met her, I’m glad I could help. I know that’s why she cares for me, because I put her needs next to my own. We prop each other up that way. She is pretty much as isolated as I am, if not more. We match well and she is my best friend. I’m so fortunate to have attracted her attention all those years ago. She lets me do what I believe will make me happy and I feel like I trust her as much as I can.

I haven’t spent hardly any time searching for people who will prey on my weakness and vulnerability. Small amounts, it’s somewhat unavoidable when you’re the female of the species, but I could be worse off for it. Plenty of examples out there to learn from. I crave physical intimacy, but I can’t get comfortable or form a connection until after establishing enough time together to get to know someone. I kind of hate how most people want to talk it out to death on a phone before the act itself even happens, or all they do is ask for pictures. It makes me hate technology.

Alone I’ve rediscovered by own sexuality, for better and worse, as my past is littered with abuse, trauma, and genuine negativity. For that, I doubt I’ll share myself fully with any random stranger who hasn’t known me for more than ten minutes. That has come as a surprise almost every man I’ve personally met, also if I haven’t met you in person, we haven’t met personally. So feel free to do the math there.

Just a brief run down on my vagina functionality, after two years, in case anyone is wondering, I found a new toy called The Empress. Shout out to theguerrillafeminist on Instagram for getting me that steal of a discount. It mimics oral sex, but honestly it is way better than any oral sex I’ve ever had. That’s the only sex I’ve had still, no rush there. The toy is great and really the only thing to get me incredibly wet prior to climaxing. I have a hard time focusing on myself. It has changed my life. Sometimes masturbation is the only thing that frees me from the hell of disassociation. I’m pretty good with my hands, but the toy definitely helps stimulate bunches. Plus it is also just nice to mix things up.

I really should share the information on my favorite dildo too, it is glow in the dark, has a suction cup that works well! I use it in the shower a lot. It’s also a great size for me personally, maybe too big for some, but I really appreciates that it’s made from silicone I believe and works with like every kind of lubricant. It has balls, and I guess I kind of like that because I want it as close to the real thing as possible.

I feel like I’m on an island of my own, but I’m learning to embrace self care and restraint easier, that will dip and rise. At times it feels instinctive for me to self harm, but it comes in the form of being far more indirect these days. Sadness and bad habits have replaced swollen knuckles, burns, along with my need to see red. Giving up these habits never came about through recovery. I choose not, because I don’t even feel like I own myself anymore. Like I cannot let people believe I’m no better or worse from this, and no it isn’t fair considering all the shit I have to put up with, but it is a cross I bear. I’ve exceeded what were very low expectations, so I don’t even feel like I have any right to damage myself directly.

Opening up about my mental health freely here. Doing so without shame. I have various diagnosed mental illnesses and ptsd as a result of physical abuse, sexual trauma, and exposure as a child. For that alone, my fantasies are often linked to rape in various ways. If you are a woman who goes through similar phases, as a result of surviving the awful incident itself, feel free to explicitly reach out to me in a way that conveys you are feeling alone and need help specifically being reminded that it is natural and you don’t need to feel guilty. I became close friends with a women who really helped set my head on straight. It was so helpful to just know I’m not the only one who has these thoughts. I’m done feeling guilty about the suggestive fictional material I choose to read or otherwise seek familiar arousal in. Rape culture created the fantasy for women long before my individual experience, yet stigma exists and it is something we should all be more open to discussing. No one should feel the need to endure shame and guilt someone else put on them against their will.

Please don’t message me asking for specifics about physical health, I won’t open up about it, unless you are someone who I spend enough time around that I feel comfortable with. You will have to make an effort to form a real life bond with me. Mental health is a different question, in case you’re wondering, feel free to ask. No one ever cares to ask about that, that’s why I said you could. Also, just thought it might be worth a mention, my health emergencies are entirely separate to anything post surgery or hormone replacement therapy related.

[godfirstgodalways]

How can I talk to God after a period of neglecting Him? For a while, my relationship with Him has been stagnant and neglectful fully on my part. As a result, I feel guilty. I want to talk to Him again, but am afraid to if that makes sense. And because of it, I couldn’t hear and feel Him anymore & feel like He’s abandoned me altogether. I just want to know how I could get over this “awkward” phase, I suppose.

One reason Christians go back to their old ways is because they start to believe that they are not fit for the Kingdom after they commit sins that have them believe they are just too great for God to forgive. They give up too easily. Much of that attitude sounds like “Well, it’s been this way for so long anyway, what’s the point?” The hardest times to praise God is the perfect time. It’s always when we don’t feel like it. Don’t forget that. Those are the times we must acknowledge His presence again and the more you practice this, the clearer you’ll hear from Him. You are human to feel guilty. That’s fine, but don’t hoard that negativity and keep it in the back of your head. That will kill you eventually. I mean it’s your spirit that’s going to suffer, basically it’ll be the death of your soul. Take the good, dump the bad. It’s not just the guilt, you should be wary of any negative thoughts that don’t match up with God. 

2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

The guilt in you should make you humble yourself before God. Don’t let it cripple you, otherwise you’d be humbling yourself before Satan. You’ll hear from God again, but you must be diligent in faith. Be patient with yourself because He is very patient with you. 

So you feel like He’s abandoned you and you’re scared He’ll never accept you again. Think of it this way. I don’t know if you have a child, but if you don’t, just imagine you did. Imagine your child did something so terrible like you found out he lied to you about something that just really affected the way you thought of him. You hold a grudge and give him the silent treatment, but you see that he’s really starting to feel terrible and regretful about what he did because he sees how upset and disappointed you were about it. Are you going to keep giving him the silent treatment as they withdraw and possibly sink into depression or are you going to initiate and encourage communication between the two of you, trying to understand why he did what he did, to implement correct discipline, and use that as a growth opportunity for him and for you? Imagine your child wanting to move on and truly feeling sorry that he wants to come to you to apologize. As a parent, are you going to listen or turn your back from them? Are you going to be that example of love for them or are you going to let your disappointment neglect them?

However you imagine yourself to react as the parent is how you view God’s perception of you. What you choose to believe about yourself is what you choose to believe about how God should view you. If that is your issue, you must exercise your faith that God is mightier than what you think of Him.

Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.

You cannot dictate how much love and attention He should give you. You’re not God, He is. You have to rediscover His love for you. It’s natural to think that you don’t deserve Him - YOU DON’T. I DON’T. BUT BECAUSE OF HIS PERFECT GRACE, YOU ARE GIVEN THE CHOICE TO ACCEPT IT OR NOT. HIS GRACE IS THERE NO MATTER WHAT. THE QUESTION IS “ARE YOU GOING TO ACCEPT IT OR CONTINUE NEGLECTING IT?”

Now imagine you are that child, who feels so out of touch with their parent, but you truly are ready to come forward repenting of all your sins. Do you believe that your parent will neglect you as hardheaded and stubborn as you are or do you have even the tiniest bit of faith that they might forgive you? A parent’s love comes with much discipline. Can you imagine how much God loves you now? What you’re going through right now is His discipline for you! Love yourself as if you were loving your own child. And even if you are not perfect in loving yourself, it’s completely alright to surrender in God’s arms as you let Him love you unconditionally, because His love cannot be beat. It is sure and complete no matter how long you have neglected Him. The more sincere your repentance is, the stronger your faith rests on the fact that He has loved you all this time and He welcomes you back in His arms, and He listens to you without condemnation. The more you confess that Jesus is Lord of your heart, that you are truly lost and nothing without Him, the more joy and peace He reveals to you because You will sense that He is glad you have returned to Him yet again. You will sense it is well with His soul and therefore you will also sense it is well with your soul. This is your connection with Him. Stay connected with Him, by praising Him, repenting your sins, thanking Him for the good and the bad, even for His discipline. You are loved deeply by your Creator. There is nothing that can separate His love from You. Nothing. Even if you feel like He doesn’t love you and you don’t deserve to go back to Him. God is not that kind of god. He is much bigger than you can ever imagine. 

GET CREATIVE WITH PRAISE. DID YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOU HAVE GOOD, POSITIVE, AND RIGHTEOUS THOUGHTS OF YOURSELF, OF OTHERS, AND OF HIM, JUST ANYTHING GOOD INTENTIONALLY LIFTED TO THE LORD, IT IS CONSIDERED PRAISE? TAKE THE FOCUS OFF YOURSELF AND BE HUMBLED AT HIS GREATNESS. GO AHEAD AND SOAK IN HIS MAJESTY. And even if you neglect Him again tonight or tomorrow because Christians are not perfect, just be aware that this awkward phase could come again. You should know what to do. Remember, His love remains the same. You must transform your mind through praise and prayer throughout the day. I hope and pray this helped. You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight! God bless you!

Psalm 86:15 But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

John 15:9-17 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another.

Romans 5:2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 8:37-39  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.

Ephesians 2:4-5 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved.

1 John 3:1 See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him.

1 John 4:7-11  Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

By His Grace, Sheela (Via godfirstgodalways)

[kpopfanfictrash]

A Devil’s Tale

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: You / Kai (Jongin)

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 3,762

Summary: When you make a deal with a devil, the bond is supposed to be unbreakable. Unless the devil himself takes pity, and chooses to change your bargain. 

“Stop doing that,” he grumbles, bent over his writing.

“Doing what?” you reply innocently enough from the bed.

Kai doesn’t look at you, though the furrow between his brows deepens. “I can feel you plotting,” he states. “I can feel you plotting and whatever it is – I’ll add ten years to your sentence, I swear I will.”

“Meanie,” you sigh, plopping down on his comforter. Since coming to this place, you’ve found yourself in a sort of half-life – able to levitate and hover at will, which can be fun. If only you weren’t, legally, considered dead. Kai is right, of course – you were planning on draining the ink from his wells while he slept, but he doesn’t need to know this. “How much time is it now?” you ask instead, drawing circles on the comforter.

“One billion,” he mutters, dotting the i.

“Lies.”

Kai looks up, the burgundy of his eyes startling. “I cannot lie to you,” he reminds pointedly, before going back to his notes.

Frowning, you cross your ankles on top on the comforter. “Yes,” you nod, “though you failed to specify which unit of measurement. Trickster.”

The tiniest of smiles flickers across his lips. “An oversight, I’m sure.”

“Sure.” Watching him a moment longer, you begin to grow bored. “Play with me,” you insist, scanning the room.

Kai lifts a brow. “Play?” he muses. “I know not the meaning to your word.”

“Play,” you nod, lifting up on your knees. “Like that one night, when you took out the chess board and I creamed your ass –”

“Shh,” Kai sputters, nearly dropping his quill. “That wasn’t supposed to happen. You’re not even supposed to even talk to me – fuck,” he groans, pushing a hand through his hair. “How did I get stuck with the most insubordinate, annoying charge in the entire Underworld?”

“Because you took my soul,” you remind him quietly, as though he’d forget.

Kai stares at you for a moment, uncertain what to say.

Looking down at his bedspread, you fiddle absently with the string. You remember the day as though it were yesterday, the day that you offered Kai your life. The entire world was burning, crashing down around you, while your brother kneeled at the feet of a predator. You were not a good person back then, and neither was he. He was caught in a gang, one where he began trading as a drug dealer. When your brother decided he wanted out though, when he tried to change and get clean – the gang kidnapped him, held for ransom.

A ransom sent to you, no less, though you had no money to speak of. You went to the drop regardless, even knowing you could not win. It was either that or let your brother die alone somewhere, and you couldn’t bear the thought of this second option. The pleas of mercy you made were laughed at and when you were thrown beside your brother, you became unbearably angry. Reckless enough to speak the very name you’d been taught not to say.

You swore out loud, calling upon the devil.

Kai stepped from thin air – he did so quietly, elegantly, as though opening a door. His suit was immaculate, dressed in head-to-toe black with a red handkerchief in the pocket. He gazed blankly at the surroundings, frozen entirely, before fixating on you.

“You rang?” he asked – Kai’s default tone was dry.

Fingers trembling, you nodded. Wiping away tears, you somehow managed to pull yourself together long enough to ask, “Save him.” Pointing at your brother, you begged, “Kill these men, save his life – I ask this of you.”

Kai’s eyes gleamed with interest, though he did not accept. “And in return?” he asked. “If I do this for you, if I kill these men, what will you offer me in turn?”

Swallowing, you struggled to respond. Kai stared, then took a small step forward. His presence was chilling, it broke into your bone. Humans tended to think of hell as this bright, burning place – a flame which consumes, boiling you alive. Hell is not this way. Hell is a cold and empty place – a freezing lack of anything: lack of love, friends, family. Hell is absence, is isolation; hell is hell, the lack of everything else.

When Kai touched your cheek, cradled your skin in his palm – you couldn’t help yourself, you shivered.

“What will you offer me,” he asked you, eyes soft. Kai’s gaze was a dark shade of red – bright, despite the ice in his touch. “You know who I am, do you not? You know you should run, do you not?”

You nodded, somewhat jerkily. “I will offer you my soul,” you whispered – and everything around you disappeared.

The world remade itself, your brother gone from view. Everything disappeared, as you reemerged in hell. To be fair, Kai seemed just as startled by your presence as you were. Stumbling, you tripped over his rug and fell flat on his bed – all while Kai stared, slack-jawed, in surprise.

“Lucifer’s glory,” he swore, stepping ever closer. “How did you get into my room?”

You didn’t know. Neither did he.

Each time Kai tried to lock you away, each time he tried to send you outside – it would fail. Most human souls stayed elsewhere, not with their devil. The place they stayed was not a bad place, actually – a bit cold, lonely, kind of like a gaming café. Though Kai tried to send you there as well, it never really stuck. The separation would last hours, days at the most, before you’d reappear on his bedspread.

Kai swallows, reminded of this. “Ah. Right,” he agrees, glancing down at his notes.

Pushing yourself upwards, you walk to his side and as you read over his shoulder, your eyes widen. “You’re behind on the quota,” you realize, alarmed. If Kai does not provide the Devil with a certain number of souls, he’ll be punished.

Kai quickly yanks the page away. “Y/N,” he growls, turning – with a swift wave of his hand, you’re frozen in place.

Only your eyes are still able to move, squinting angrily at him over the grip of his power. Kai rests his wrists on the table, ink held in one hand, paper in other. He’s filling out his quota right now, the number of souls he’s taken – and from what you can see here, the number is significantly less than the previous period. Somewhat worried by this, you pull your lower lip between your teeth.

Realizing this outward display of emotion, you force yourself to relax. It should be odd, the fact that you’re worried. Should be, since Kai is the entire reason you’re here but honestly, you’re not certain when you stopped being afraid. Kai is a devil, after all – not the devil, as he’s wont to correct – but a devil, a demon of hell who does the bidding of the Devil.

“How confusing,” you responded, when he said this. “Why just a devil, why is that different than the Devil?”

Kai shrugged, having never asked. This was about a week into your arrangement, and Kai still wasn’t sure how to act in your presence. “Less name confusion?” he supplied, quirking a lip. “Makes things simpler during introductions. Hello, I’m devil. Hello, so am I. Easier at parties and such,” he suggested – and you stared.

Only for a moment, before bursting out into laughter. You didn’t expect to laugh, in a place like this. The action made you confused, made you withdraw for the next couple days. Kai left you alone often, in his search for his souls. His absence gave you time to think, gave you time to explore.

Hell was lonely, or so Kai explained that first day.

It wasn’t lonely for you, though. Nor was it for him, since your arrival. Something about your deal tied you together, tied you in an entirely unprecedented way. You found this out on accident, while you were roaming the halls. Hell seemed to be an endless place, stretching on for eternity, hewn from the belly of the earth.

You left Kai’s chambers, dragging a hand over the damp, mildewed stone in the hall. While wandering, you found very few people – even fewer devils. Each time you passed one, you’d hide. You’d disappear around corners, suck in your breath until they passed – none of whom, it seemed, even looked your way and after a while of hiding, you grew used to it.

You wandered more brazenly, unblinkingly – you wandered for hours, until finding the room. This was an accident, though soon after you found it, you realized that nothing in hell is an accident. The door was plain, black metal and barred with wood. You nearly passed by, until something inside you stopped. A soft whispering emerged, turning your head to make you step closer.

The whispering was evil, like a prickle to the back of your neck, but your hand reached for the knob anyways. Something or someone, dragged you on – it called out for you to look, to know. Curiosity won you over, while your fingers closed tight around the handle.

To this day, you still can’t discuss what you saw.

The sight was horrible, gruesome and it – the thing – it wanted you. Rooting you firm, that thing held you senseless while you tried, and failed to move. Finally you screamed, voice unsteady – until suddenly, the door slammed shut between you.

Kai stood there panting, his stare colder than hell itself. “The fuck is wrong with you?” he seethed. “Must you try and get yourself killed, before I can even report you in my quota?”

Grabbing you by the wrist, Kai dragged you back to his room – sat you awkwardly on the edge of his bed, while searching his room for water. Kai moved about it roughly, muttering about nosy humans and where they could stick their enormously large egos – until you exhaled once, and looked up at him.

“How did you know?” you questioned, which made Kai pause.

“I,” he faltered, then frowned. “I heard you.”

It seemed you could communicate, both verbally and not. You could send him thoughts, requests, emotions. This is what you do now, letting Kai know you’re worried. His expression softens, lines of his face smoothing. For a being locked in eternal damnation, Kai certainly has a mouth for smiling – and perhaps, you wonder, for other things.

Thinking this makes you blush, and you retract the thought quickly. Those kinds of thoughts are not allowed, because they would not and cannot be returned. Your feelings for Kai are woefully human. You exist because Kai has no other choice. He keeps you alive because you are his. He cannot afford to lose you to Heaven – or worse, to Hell.

Kai looks at you now, feeling your worry. “Don’t be worried,” he chastises. His fingers hover over the paper, before smoothing it out. “I have a few more days to report my numbers.”

A few more days. Your hand moves, as though to touch him – before stopping yourself, thinking better. “Why so low?” you ask. It might be your imagination, but lately Kai seems to be hiding. Recently, he’s been distant and you can’t help but feel like you’ve done something wrong.

He leans back in his chair, gaze terse. “Perhaps,” he muses, “my numbers are so low thanks to a certain, annoying soul who won’t let me work.”

Huffing under your breath, you turn. Kai’s room is small but cozy – an odd thing to say about the middle of hell. The walls are stone, indents filled with mismatched collections of lamps and candles. Below these are bookshelves, filled with books from every century imaginable, all deemed too inflammatory for human consumption.

Running a finger down a spine, you look over your shoulder. “Why was this banned?” you ask, pulling out the volume.

“Ah,” Kai blinks. “The Decameron, published in the 14th century by Giovanni Boccaccio. It’s a collection of short stories, some of which were quite explicit – sexually,” he adds, watching your expression.

“Oh,” you blurt, looking at the cover.

Kai chuckles, setting his quill aside. He stands, walking closer and when he reaches your side he gently opens a page. “The collection was written during the plague. Humanity thought God had forsaken the world, and there is much comedy at the expense of religion and authority. This was one of the reasons it was banned. Another was Boccaccio’s liberal view of sex, and the nature of it. This idea was also not accepted at his time.”

Staring down at his fingers, lying flat on the page, it’s a struggle to control your racing heartbeat.

“It’s a masterpiece,” Kai admits quietly, before drawing away.

He returns to his desk, as you’re suddenly filled with the need to continue. “Kai,” you start, uncertain what to say.

He stops, looks over his shoulder. “Yes?”

You gently set the book to the side. “Would you recite me something,” you ask. “From the book.”

This is something Kai does on occasion, when he’s bored enough or in high spirits. He chooses passages you love, ones to capture your heart, not only your soul. Kai hesitates, halfway to his desk – his gaze roams your face, before he materializes before you. It’s startling when he does this – you nearly flinch, at the proximity of his frame.

“To have compassion,” he murmurs. “To have compassion for those who suffer is a human quality, which everyone should possess.” Kai’s voice is velvet, softening the words. “Especially those who have required comfort in the past, and have managed to find it in others.”

The silence which follows, is longer than most. “Is this something you feel,” you whisper, too scared to be loud. “Compassion, for others?”

Kai pauses. He merely looks, as though deciding how to answer. “I am not human,” he responds, though this doesn’t answer the question.

Somehow emboldened by this, you press on. “Hell is loneliness. Hell is punishment, solitude – so why, then, am I bound to you? What force keeps us together like this?” Taking a small, hesitant step – you notice Kai does not push you away. “Why do I see things? Thoughts in your eyes, words in your movements. You care – care for me," you clarify, watching his gaze.

Kai’s eyes are dark and strange – beautiful, in their own way. Like Kai himself, who is dark and alien; trapped in a form that’s both beautiful and strange.

Kai’s expression then shutters. “I do not care for you,” he responds. “I cannot care."

“Is that so?” you ask, voice quiet.

In his space between words, there is screaming. Kai stares, wonders how you do not know. How you do not hear. Ever since he met you, he's been falling. It seems wholly impossible, that his heart should beat within his cavernous chest – but somehow, it manages to beat for you.

The moment he saw you like that, half-kneeling in the alley, bloodied form covering your brother – he should have known you’d be his doom. Something inside him stirred at the sight, sang in his veins and Kai felt himself shift, when you looked his way.

He accepted the bargain, while secretly wishing he hadn’t. He tried to scare you away, tried to frighten you – because he did not want to take your soul that day. Had Kai not accepted, both you and your brother would have died. This idea seemed distasteful at the time, which is why Kai accepted your offer.

Since that day though, he's felt himself cracking. Before he was a creature of stone, and now he’s so fissured and fractured, he barely recognizes himself. He’s broken by the words that you speak, the way that you look at him. You look at him as though you understand, as though you see him and what you see is so much more than what Kai truly is.

Before, Kai never gave much thought to his existence. He never cared much what he was, nor if he could improve. You make him ask, make him wonder. And now you're standing before him, asking if he cares.

Of course he does. His entire body aches from the weight of it, splinters at the seams, because Kai has never felt so alive, nor so horribly wretched. Before, Kai never felt he was damned. Before, Kai never felt anything at all.

The weight of it tears him apart. Devils aren’t built for such things, Kai wasn’t built for such things; for a burning, yearning need for you. He wants to see you alive, wants you freed – but the idea of being without you is equally as painful. And so, Kai lifts his hand to trace gingerly down the side of your neck.

"I do not care," he repeats, though it’s hardly audible.

You hear him. Watch him swallow, the noise loud in otherwise silence. Kai hears your heart beat in turn, listens to the rapid thud-thud within your chest and hears your pulse quicken, when he slowly bends his head.

The kiss is an experiment.

A press of his lips, a brush of your soul – until Kai gasps, drowning as the flame within him ignites. He kisses you harder – heatedly, hurriedly, as though he can’t waste time with breath. Your lips are his mirror, just as eager while he pushes you up and against the wall. Kai’s hands skim your waist, lifting your shirt – and you suck in a breath, when his cold hands find your waist.

“Kai,” you groan, though he’s already moving. His lips brush your cheeks, your temple – his hands encircle your wrists, cage you to the wall. A whimper leaves your throat, when you feel him, hard, between your legs. Ready and wanting and god – you nearly lose it, at the thought of him inside you.

Gasping his name, the sound is so choked it almost doesn’t sound like him and when he hears this – hears you – Kai forces himself to stop. His hands on yours tighten, chest heaving as he somehow pulls himself together. Hovering over, he kisses you again – this time gentle, this time soft. As you fight to catch your breath, when you open your eyes – the expression staring back is shocking.

Kai’s eyes widen, glassy with fear. "I," he inhales, shuddering. "No, don't – don’t speak."

Shutting your mouth, you return to quietly staring.

“I’m a liar.” Kai stops, licking his lips. “Not in the literal sense of the word, but in who I am – at my core. I’m a liar, a sinner, damned. I used to not know what such words meant. I don’t know if I’ll remember them, after. I spent a long time,” he confesses, hardly more than a whisper, “staring into the eyes of the broken. I saw humans at their worst – heard them beg, plead, scream with me for mercy. I never felt pity for them, since I could not understand what it was.”

Searching his gaze, you slowly lift a hand. Your thumb draws a crescent, from the curve of his ear across the slant of his lips. Kai’s skin is cold, smooth while his arms tighten around you.

“I,” he chokes, as you press yourself closer.

Holding him tightly, you close your own eyes as you try and piece him back together. Squeezing him softly, you seek to mold his frame to your own. To embrace his pain, and make it yours.

“I’m divided,” he confesses, into the strands of your hair. “My nature wants you captive but whatever soul I have left, it wants you alive.”

Breath catching on the words, you turn to shake your head at him. Such a thing is impossible – a deal with a devil, once made, is unbreakable.

Kai pulls back. “When I first saw you, I thought you were a punishment,” he admits, voice slightly hoarse. “I thought you were a test. I still think you might be,” he whispers, bending his forehead to yours. Hands cupping your jaw, he holds your face between palms, “though I am no longer sure of the meaning. All I know now is that I feel, I care – and because of this, I can no longer keep you with me.”

Your eyes fly open, abject with horror. “Kai,” you blurt. Struggling to move, you find his grip is too tight, or perhaps it’s that he’s frozen you once more.

Kai’s chest rises and falls. “I want you to stay,” he pleads with you, voice breaking. “I want you to stay with me, but more than that, I want you to be free. I want you to live, want to give you heaven – not hell. Not this.”

“No,” you whimper, trying to pry free. “No, Kai – listen,” you pant, “you don’t understand.”

Gently, he smiles at you. “What do I not understand?” Kai’s voice is hollow, gaze stark with sadness, as though already haunted by the decision he’s made.

“You want to save me?” Fear becoming anger, you twist in his grasp. “You want to keep me from hell? Hell is loneliness,” you repeat, echoing his words. “Hell is the absence of love, and if I’m surrounded by a billion people on earth – if you’re not one of them, it will be hell.”

Hearing you say this, Kai’s eyes brim with tears – the first he’s ever felt such emotion. The sight of it is shocking, sliding down his cheeks. Kai does not give in to it though, gently removing his hands from your face. “I love you,” he responds, momentarily stilling. “Goodbye.”

It happens all of a sudden. You disappear without a word, leaving Kai alone in the dark. He stares at the spot you once stood, before white descends from all sides.

You don’t remember him in your next life.

You don’t remember the devil who gave back your soul. All you remember is a vague sort of yearning; this unspoken reach for something you’ve never had. All your life you’re looking over your shoulder, constantly feeling as though you’ve forgotten.

Nothing sparks a memory though, nothing brings relief – not until your eyes open again, for the very first time. You lived a better life. A life inspired by the memory of a person you know not the name. 

The air is muddled and when you step through the door, your find your feet do not echo on pavement. There’s a river nearby, it’s sides curling with mist and when you bend down for a drink, it all comes rushing back. It all returns in a harried storm of emotion and as you wipe your lips clean on the back of your hand – your eyes look up and you freeze. There’s someone standing there, on the bank of the river. 

He wasn’t there before. Or maybe he was, and you just couldn’t see.

Kai is motionless – he looks the same, but also not. Behind him drip wings of white feathers which caress golden skin and ruby eyes. An angel. You were a test – a test to save him, not damn him. Plunging into the stream, you nearly slip several times as you cross and when you finally reach his side, you fling yourself into his arms. You’re uncertain whose tears are falling, just that they fall hard and fast, burning your cheeks.

“It’s you,” you whisper, touching his mouth with your hands. As you push hair away from his face, it’s hard to stop trembling from happiness. “You’re here.”

Kai cannot speak, though he encircles you with his body, his wings. He lets you know that now, you need never be parted again.

Author’s Note: Happy birthday, to the Devil ;)

© kpopfanfictrash, 2018. Do not copy or repost without permission.

[ask-meme-addicts]

"The Picture of Dorian Gray" sentence starters

❝ There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. ❞

❝ The ugly and the stupid have the best of it in this world. ❞

❝ We shall all suffer for what the gods have given us, suffer terribly. ❞

❝ I have grown to love secrecy. ❞

❝ Your cynicism is simply a pose. ❞

❝ You know we poor artists have to show ourselves in society from time to time, just to remind the public that we are not savages. ❞

❝ Conscience and cowardice are really the same things. ❞

❝ I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects. ❞

❝ A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. ❞

❝ Is that very vain of me? I think it is rather vain. ❞

❝ None of us can stand other people having the same faults as ourselves. ❞

❝ I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world. ❞

❝ There is nothing that art cannot express. ❞

❝ The harmony of soul and body—how much that is! We in our madness have separated the two, and have invented a realism that is vulgar, an ideality that is void. ❞

❝ My heart shall never be put under their microscope. ❞

❝ It is only the intellectually lost who ever argue. ❞

❝ I feel that I have given away my whole soul to someone who treats it as if it were a flower to put in his coat, a bit of decoration to charm his vanity, an ornament for a summer’s day.” ❞

❝ In the wild struggle for existence, we want to have something that endures, and so we fill our minds with rubbish and facts, in the silly hope of keeping our place. ❞

❝ Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love’s tragedies. ❞

❝ People are afraid of themselves, nowadays. ❞

❝ Courage has gone out of our race. Perhaps we never really had it. ❞

❝ Every impulse that we strive to strangle broods in the mind and poisons us. ❞

❝ The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. ❞

❝ Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul. ❞

❝ You know more than you think you know, just as you know less than you want to know. ❞

❝ Wherever you go, you charm the world. Will it always be so? ❞

❝ Time is jealous of you, and wars against your lilies and your roses. ❞

❝ Our limbs fail, our senses rot. We degenerate into hideous puppets, haunted by the memory of the passions of which we were too much afraid, and the exquisite temptations that we had not the courage to yield to. ❞

❝ You like your art better than your friends. ❞

❝ I am jealous of everything whose beauty does not die. ❞

❝ Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything. ❞

❝ Credit is the capital of a younger son, and one lives charmingly upon it. ❞

❝ Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic. ❞

❝ The way of paradoxes is the way of truth. ❞

❝ I can sympathize with everything except suffering. ❞

❝ Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world’s original sin. If the caveman had known how to laugh, history would have been different. ❞

❝ Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes. ❞

❝ You are quite delightful and dreadfully demoralizing. ❞

❝ I am always late on principle, the principle being that punctuality is the thief of time. ❞

❝ I adore it, but I am afraid of it. It makes me too romantic. ❞

❝ Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing. ❞

❝ Passion is the privilege of people who have nothing to do. ❞

❝ If I ever did a crime, I would come and confess it to you. You would understand me. ❞

❝ When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one’s self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance. ❞

❝ There is always something infinitely mean about other people’s tragedies. ❞

❝ I want to make Romeo jealous. I want the dead lovers of the world to hear our laughter and grow sad. I want a breath of our passion to stir their dust into consciousness, to wake their ashes into pain. ❞

❝ People are very fond of giving away what they need most themselves. It is what I call the depth of generosity. ❞

❝ The only artists I have ever known who are personally delightful are bad artists. ❞

❝ It often happens that when we think we were experimenting on others we are really experimenting on ourselves. ❞

❝ Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. ❞

❝ To be in love is to surpass one’s self. ❞

❝ Poor? What does that matter? When poverty creeps in at the door, love flies in through the window. ❞

❝ Our proverbs want rewriting. They were made in winter, and it is summer now; springtime for me, I think, a very dance of blossoms in blue skies. ❞

❝ I shudder at the thought of being free. ❞

❝ I know you would never harm anyone I love, would you? ❞

❝ Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives. ❞

❝ Of course, it is sudden—all really delightful things are. ❞

❝ The reason we all like to think so well of others is that we are all afraid for ourselves. The basis of optimism is sheer terror. ❞

❝ Unselfish people are colourless. They lack individuality. ❞

❝ You are much better than you pretend to be. ❞

❝ I cannot understand how anyone can wish to shame the thing he loves. ❞

❝ When we are happy, we are always good, but when we are good, we are not always happy. ❞

❝ The real tragedy of the poor is that they can afford nothing but self-denial. Beautiful sins, like beautiful things, are the privilege of the rich. ❞

❝ Being adored is a nuisance. ❞

❝ You are dreadful! I don’t know why I like you so much. ❞

❝ You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you have never had the courage to commit. ❞

❝ Love is a more wonderful thing than art. ❞

❝ There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating—people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing. ❞

❝ The secret of remaining young is never to have an emotion that is unbecoming. ❞

❝ I knew nothing but shadows, and I thought them real. ❞

❝ You taught me what reality really is. ❞

❝ You used to stir my imagination. Now you don’t even stir my curiosity. ❞

❝ I have grown sick of shadows. ❞

❝ You don’t know what you were to me, once. ❞

❝ You have spoiled the romance of my life. ❞

❝ Without your art, you are nothing. ❞

❝ There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love. ❞

❝ There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has a right to blame us. ❞

❝ I can’t bear the idea of my soul being hideous. ❞

❝ You cut life to pieces with your epigrams. ❞

❝ Things like that make a man fashionable in Paris. But in London people are so prejudiced. ❞

❝ One should never make one’s début with a scandal. One should reserve that to give an interest to one’s old age. ❞

❝ How extraordinarily dramatic life is! ❞

❝ I don’t think I am heartless. Do you? ❞

❝ The moment she touched actual life, she marred it, and it marred her. ❞

❝ Life has everything in store for you, ❞

❝ We live in an age that reads too much to be wise, and that thinks too much to be beautiful. ❞

❝ If one doesn’t talk about a thing, it has never happened. It is simply expression that gives reality to things. ❞

❝ You must not tell me about things. What is done is done. What is past is past. ❞

❝ I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them. ❞

❝ You talk as if you had no heart, no pity in you. ❞

❝ if I told you, you might like me less than you do, and you would certainly laugh at me. I could not bear your doing either of those two things. ❞

❝ Your friendship is dearer to me than any fame or reputation. ❞

❝ You became to me the visible incarnation of that unseen ideal whose memory haunts us artists like an exquisite dream. ❞

❝ Whatever I have done that is good, I owe to you. ❞

❝ There is something fatal about a portrait. It has a life of its own. ❞

❝ Perhaps one should never put one’s worship into words. ❞

❝ There seems to be something tragic in a friendship so colored by romance. ❞

❝ It has a corruption of its own, worse than the corruption of death itself—something that would breed horrors and yet would never die. ❞

❝ The past can always be annihilated. ❞

❝ How exquisite life had once been! How gorgeous in its pomp and decoration! Even to read of the luxury of the dead was wonderful. ❞

❝ Is insincerity such a terrible thing? I think not. It is merely a method by which we can multiply our personalities. ❞

❝ I am tired of myself tonight. I should like to be somebody else. ❞

❝ I love scandals about other people, but scandals about myself don’t interest me. They have not got the charm of novelty. ❞

❝ You don’t want people to talk of you as something vile and degraded. ❞

❝ You must not say things like that. They are horrible, and they don’t mean anything. ❞

❝ You have had more to do with my life than you think. ❞

❝ Each of us has heaven and hell in him. ❞

❝ Youth smiles without any reason. It is one of its chiefest charms. ❞

❝ Keep your horrible secrets to yourself. They don’t interest me any more. ❞

❝ What is it to me what devil’s work you are up to? ❞

❝ I wish you had a thousandth part of the pity for me that I have for you. ❞

❝ The husbands of very beautiful women belong to the criminal classes. ❞

❝ I am not at all surprised that the world says that you are extremely wicked. ❞

❝ It is perfectly monstrous, the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one’s back that are absolutely and entirely true. ❞

❝ Nowadays all the married men live like bachelors, and all the bachelors like married men. ❞

❝ Everybody I know says you are very wicked. ❞

❝ I like men who have a future and women who have a past. ❞

❝ Moderation is a fatal thing. Enough is as bad as a meal. More than enough is as good as a feast. ❞

❝ He atones for being occasionally somewhat overdressed by being always absolutely overeducated. He is a very modern type. ❞

❝ What do you want? Money? Here it is. Don’t ever talk to me again. ❞

❝ Each man lives his own life and pays his own price for living it. ❞

❝ The man who could call a spade a spade should be compelled to use one. It is the only thing he is fit for. ❞

❝ I think that it is better to be beautiful than to be good. But on the other hand, no one is more ready than I am to acknowledge that it is better to be good than to be ugly. ❞

❝ To be popular one must be a mediocrity. ❞

❝ We can have in life but one great experience at best, and the secret of life is to reproduce that experience as often as possible. ❞

❝ I wish I could love, but I seem to have lost the passion and forgotten the desire. ❞

❝ My own personality has become a burden to me. ❞

❝ Death is the only thing that ever terrifies me. ❞

❝ The world has always worshipped you. It always will worship you. ❞

❝ Life has been your art. You have set yourself to music. Your days are your sonnets. ❞

❝ The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame. That is all. ❞

❝ The world is changed because you are made of ivory and gold. The curves of your lips rewrite history. ❞

[wearetakingthehobbitstogallifrey]

The Last Jedi, Loneliness, and Love

This is dedicated to @itspileofgoodthings aka @reylohasmyheart, queen of meta, and also to @thelonelybrilliance, queen of fanfic

Please forgive me, I was driving home from work yesterday, listening to Paloma Faith’s “Only Love Can Hurt Like This,” and somehow I started thinking about Reylo and why it makes my soul ache—why I think it is beautiful and why I think its development in The Last Jedi is, contrary to what you might think, realistic and even healthy

Oh heck I was going to make this a very eloquent, orderly post but screw that I have thoughts and they are going to run the race as they see fit

I think one of the great sorrows of humanity is loneliness.  We were made for companionship, for family, for loyalty, for smiling and speaking and hugging, for dream-sharing and sorrow-comforting. For the gifting of the self to others, and most especially the gifting of the self to the man or woman we marry. To lead healthy lives, we need some form of community, even if it is only one or two people we talk to and entrust ourselves to.  Usually it is more.

Anyway, this is where I want to begin with Rey and Kylo Ren—or as I am going to call him, Ben Solo

(Because Kylo Ren is just a mask, a veil between Ben’s tattered soul and the world around him, a pretense that he wasn’t broken and longing for something more, even as Darth Vader was a construction to block off Anakin Skywalker from the truth of his pain—that his terrible deeds were destroying him, not strengthening him.  I’m not saying that Kylo Ren and Darth Vader are entirely separate from Ben and Anakin.  What I am saying is that those personas are not building blocks but rather insidious vines wrapping around stone towers, strangling and cutting and smothering.  You know why? Evil lies.  It lies even when it screams it is telling the truth, even when it whispers that it alone sheds light on reality.  And thus, evil can only tear down and destroy things.  Each person has in them a potential of excellence, the best person they can be—thoughtful, brave, compassionate, humble, self-sacrificing, merciful, faithful, hopeful, loving.  Since this excellent version of the self is the one I think we all should strive for, I would call it the deepest, truest self, and thus winds up my long digression into why I am calling Kylo Ren Ben Solo from now on...so sorry)

Back to Rey and Ben in The Last Jedi.  Well, no, we have to go back to The Force Awakens for a moment.  Many many people have already commented on the interrogation scene and the scene at the end where Ben asks Rey to let him teach her the ways of the Force, so let me just sum up the important ideas there.  First, Ben is fascinated by Rey the moment he sets eyes on her (before that actually—why?  Force visions?  dreams? rumors?  a gut feeling?) and he clearly does not like the idea of her seeing him as a monster.  Interesting that he takes his helmet off immediately after she calls him one, even though he is the one who made the choice to wear the helmet, whether as a way to identify himself more with Vader or as a way to make his own choice for once, regardless of Snoke’s thoughts (the manipulative, abusive cretin).

Either way, Ben taking off his helmet in the interrogation scene signals his desire for Rey to see him as a human creature like herself.  He does not want to be seen as Other.  As someone to be overlooked, feared, discarded.  (It kind of works, Rey is clearly taken aback, but she still has no time for his dark ways and thus she is awesome, because yeah Ben my son is currently working for the First Order) sorry this summary is just as long as anything anyway just take note that Ben does not want to be separated from humanity.  And note the way he speaks her thoughts and feelings out loud, the tone of his voice when he says she is so lonely, desperate to sleep at night.  He feels all of these things too, and in my opinion he is shook as heck that Rey is like a mirror image of him.  

Ah Ben.  One of my favorite scenes is the end fight, in which Ben and Rey beat each other up, in which Rey is a righteous ball of fury and Ben the fool has her literally on the edge of a cliff bent over backwards and all the awestruck idiot can do is—throw out a desperate plea for her to join him so he can teach her?? ?  

If the guy was thinking clearly he might be able to divine that she isn’t the mood to become best buddies with him.  But he is so ecstatic with the vision of what might be that he doesn’t see what is right in front of him.  A very angry woman.  Anyway, Rey connects with the Force and lays my man out flat on his back, face sliced in half, and still Ben looks at her like she is a sun or maybe a supernova and Rey looks back at him but that isn’t exactly part of the loneliness discussion I mean maybe it is but I would literally need another essay to discuss that and this essay is already like six essays so I need to move on

So much for the Force Awakens.  Let’s look at The Last Jedi and loneliness.  What fascinates me about the growth of reylo in this film is literally everything how Rey and Ben are both wallowing in different wells of loneliness, and each well is very different in their depths and their makings, yet still being in those wells allows them to understand each other’s pain.  Both Rey and Ben suffer separation from their family, both suffer the feelings of abandonment.  Of course, one could argue that Ben’s separation was his own choice, and it was, to a degree. He did choose to go with Snoke, to leave Luke, to destroy the Jedi academy.  To kill his father.  But to look at that and say that only Ben’s bare choices matter and that he deserves death and hellfire does a disservice to all those who have suffered mental, physical, and/or spiritual abuse as either a child or an adult.  

(SIDENOTE: I am absolutely not saying Ben was justified in his actions, or that I approve of them, or that he is an innocent cinnamon roll.  What I am saying is that he is a damaged soul, who has suffered so much from his own mistakes, from whatever mistakes his family made, and from the horrible cruelty of Snoke.  He was literally manipulated and abused by shrivel-face from when he was in Leia’s womb, maybe, just MAYBE we can feel some compassion for him?  And remember that his mom and dad still love him and forgive him and want him to come home)

Back to wherever I was, Ben is lonely as heck.  He is cut off from his family, has felt unloved and unworthy for so many years, and has a soul completely wrecked by the murder of his father.  In comes Rey.  Rey, who was much more clearly abandoned by her family, who doesn’t seem to have had a friend in her life till Finn came along, who lived for years on a junkyard of a desert planet in the hopeless hope that her family might come back for her. Ben’s loneliness and Rey’s loneliness are not the same, but the feelings in both are deep and for better or worse are integral to the patterns of their hearts.  

What happens then, in The Last Jedi?  The Force bond between the two manifests, Rey sees Ben and shoots him immediately.  She still remembers their last meeting, still remembers her hurt friend brother5ever Finn, still remembers Han Solo falling. She sees Ben’s crimes and is righteously disgusted by them.  But then. Then she calls Ben a monster, for he has done monstrous acts, and this time, does Ben pull off a helmet, or try to pull aside some other veil, does he protest and say no, no, you and I are alike, I am not Other from you?  He does not. Instead, he says, “Yes, I am.”  YES I AM.  Do you even realize what this means?  Ben is no longer trying to lie to Rey or himself, to deny that he is in the right, that his actions are not dark.  He killed his father, and he knows he is a monster for it, and he is not going to say he is a human like Rey because she has never done anything as terrible as that, and though he is lonely he will not compare the two anymore.

BUT REY IS TAKEN ABACK AGAIN!  In TFA, when Ben removed his helmet, Rey was surprised to see he looked very hot just like any other man, that his soul did not reflect in his looks.  It gave her pause.  And now, when Ben says, yes he is a monster, that gives Rey pause again. I think this is because, when we are talking about humans and monsters, real monsters, a monster always denies he is one, and probably even believes that (or is at least perfectly content as such), but humans still have the capability to understand they have committed terrible wrongs, and to feel such a guilt that they do believe themselves to be monsters after all.  Basically, the second Ben declares himself a monster is the moment that Rey realizes he is not one.  

Oh my gosh now I get to write about the hand-touching scene!!!  

Okay here is the thing. Rey is lonely, Ben is lonely.  Both are going through some stuff right now. (Ben is all like, yup I killed my dad, how do I repress my guilt so I don’t drown in it; Rey is like yeah now I remember my family abandoned me, and they are never coming back).  Force bond visions ensue, and Rey and Ben are sitting over a cozy fire in Rey’s hut and Rey, who not long ago was ready to slice Ben into shreds with her lightsaber, is now confiding in him, spilling her deepest insecurities.  She feels so alone, so lost, the one thing she has held on to for all her life is now gone forever, mist blown away a hot sun, and what is her future to be like when Luke is not the teacher she wanted?  And Ben, for all his issues, with a soul desperate and broken, sees Rey’s pain and blurts out this most compassionate line:  “You’re not alone.”  He cannot bear to see her in pain, because he knows what it feels like.  He knows what it would mean to him to have someone standing at his side, and he offers his presence and loyalty and support to Rey. AND SHE SAYS IT RIGHT BACK.  “Neither are you.”  AND THEN REY HOLDS OUT HER HAND!  AND BEN TAKES OFF HIS GLOVE AND IS LITERALLY SHAKING AS HE EXTENDS IT TOWARD HER!!!  AND THEY TOUCH THEIR HANDS TOGETHER WHAT POETRY

AAH MY HEART

These two lonely souls, sitting in darkness and light, in fire and shadow, sharing their hurts and fears, offering each other comfort, because both have known suffering, because both care about the well-being of each other’s heart and soul—it’s so beautiful.

Where am I going with this? Ah yes.  The healthy growth of relationships.  Love.  Reylo starts out in uncertainty or even fear, in misunderstanding who the other person is, in holding the other person up as either a monster to be defeated or as some perfect light to heal all wounds.  Neither of these are true.  But there is an attraction (and a repulsion) there nonetheless, and in The Last Jedi that attraction and repulsion balance out just enough so that Ben and Rey can converse with each other without the danger of Rey suddenly killing Ben.  (Thank the Force!)  

As time goes on and Ben and Rey learn more about each other, they discover how lonely they are, and shared feelings and compassionate hearts mean that they both long for the other to stand by their side.  Their love is ridiculously powerful and beautiful and it makes me want to cry.  Even still, this love has not grown into what it needs to be.  Because true love means wanting the best for the other person, and doing what is best for the person no matter the cost.  And guess what?  That can be a hard thing.  Look, Rey and Ben are both absolutely convinced that the other person loves them sooooo very much that they will leave behind whatever they have—the First Order, Snoke, the Resistance, friends.  Part of that is because they also know how lonely they both are, and how wonderful it would be not to feel like that ever again.  Thus, Rey ships herself right off to Ben, confident he will turn, and he is happy to see her, confident she will turn.

But it has to be so much more than that.  Love is about compassion and sacrifice, and Ben does kill Snoke for Rey’s sake, and this is the start of his redemption I believe, but even though he gives up the part of himself that is the most important to who he is at the moment, changing himself irrevocably, taking the first steps to freedom, but he still does not give up Everything.  I think he thought that would be enough for Rey, killing the fearsome monster who ruled him and threatened her, but it isn’t and it shouldn’t be.  It is not enough to give up sin, one must then act virtuously.  Ben is mistaken, therefore, to assume that Rey will join him now.

However, Rey is mistaken as well.  The thing with Rey (which I absolutely love) is that she throws herself headlong into things with such passion.  As much as she despised Ben before, she loves him now—no she loves him a thousand times more, because love is so much more powerful than hate.  But she gets ahead of herself, or rather, Ben.  Because as soon as she sees Ben turn back to the light, sees him destroy Snoke, the image of darkness, she asks him to run headlong into the sunlight.  

Here is the thing though, redemption is not the flip of a switch but the climbing of a staircase up a mountain.  Ben has made the right initial choice, has taken his first steps, but he is carrying a lot of baggage, guilt for the past, fear of the future, uncertainty of the present. He has been manipulated into believing in the strength of darkness for so long that it is going to take some time for him to pick apart the tangled threads of his soul, to understand what he must do and how he should think and act and love.  It is unrealistic (though hopeful and endearing) for Rey to believe that Ben can suddenly be a perfectly good man, the most excellent form of himself. It is hard for even a very good person to make hard decisions like Ben has to make, and Ben’s soul is damaged in countless ways, his mind a tattered blanket that Snoke liked to tear and cut up into jagged pieces.  It is going to take time for Ben to progress, to walk beside Rey everywhere she goes.

In the end, I am so thrilled with how Reylo unwound in The Last Jedi.  Ben is traveling on the road to redemption, inspired by Rey but ultimately not saved by her.  He must save himself, though he may lean on her for support.  For now, Rey is disappointed in him, frustrated with him (and no doubt with herself for failing), but it would be foolish to say she no longer loves him or feels compassion for him.  Yes, she shut the door on him, left with the Resistance, but she was obviously in pain then and later as well, when she is on the getaway ship.  She is still lonely, and now more so than ever because the man who understood the pain in her heart is not yet able to understand what he must do to lessen the pain in his own heart.  And Ben...well Ben is probably still kneeling in that cave frozen in lonely despair because he just f— I mean he......he.... OH FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN WE’RE JUST GONNA SAY IT LIKE THIS: HE DONE MESSED UP!!!

Or maybe he has set his jaw, drawn back his shoulders, and taken that next step.  They say that the first step toward the light is the hardest, but maybe it is the second—the thrill of taking a new path has vanished, and now remains the strain of holding his course, of working through whatever pain he must suffer on the road to redemption...

[saiorgseo]

chennai to shirdi flight package

100 Sayings of Shirdi Sai Baba

 Why fear when I am here?

 I am formless and everywhere

 I am in everything and beyond. I fill all space

 All that you see taken together is Myself.

 I do not shake or move

 If one devotes his entire time to me and rests in me, he need fear nothing for body and soul.

 If one sees me and me alone and listens to my Leelas and is devoted to me alone, he will reach God

 My business is to give blessings

 I get angry with none. Will a mother get angry with her children? Will the ocean send back the    waters to the several rivers?

 I will take you to the end.

 Surrender completely to God

 If you make me the sole object  chennai to shirdi flight package of your thoughts and aims, you will gain the supreme goal.

 Trust in the Guru fully. That is the only sadhana

 I am the slave of my devotee

 Stay by me and keep quiet. I will do the rest.

 What is our duty? To behave properly. That is enough

 My eye is ever on those who love me

 Whatever you do, wherever you may be, always bear this in mind: I am always aware of everything you do.

 I will not allow my devotees to come to harm

 If a devotee is about to fall, I stretch out my hands to support him or her.

 I think of my people day and night. I say their names over and over.

 My treasury is open but no  one brings carts to take from it. I say, “Dig!” but no one bothers.

 My people do not come to me of their own accord; it is I who seek and bring them to me.

 All that is seen is my form: ant, fly, prince, and pauper

 However distant my people may be, I draw them to me just as we pull a bird to us with a string tied to its foot

 I love devotion.

 This body is just my house. My guru has long ago taken me away from it

 Those who think that Baba is only in Shirdi have totally failed to know me

 Without my grace, not even a leaf can move

 I look on all with an equal eye

 I cannot do anything without God’s permission

 God has agents everywhere and their powers are vast

 I have to take care of my children day and night and give an account to God of every paisa

 The wise are cheerful and content with their lot in life

 If you are wealthy, be humble. Plants bend when they bear fruit.

 Spend money in charity; be generous and munificent but not extravagant

 Get on with your worldly activities cheerfully, but do not forget God

 Do not kick against the pricks of life

 Whatever creature comes to you, human or otherwise, treat it with consideration

 Do not be obsessed by the importance of wealth

 See the divine in the human being

 Do not bark at people and don’t be aggressive, but put up with others’ complaints

 There is a wall of separation between oneself and others and between you and me. Destroy this wall!

 Give food to the hungry, water to the thirsty, and clothes to the naked. Then God will be pleased

 Saburi (patience) ferries you    across to the distant goal

 The four sadhanas and the six Sastras are not necessary. Just has complete trust in your guru: it is enough

 Meditate on me either with form or without form, that is pure bliss

 God is not so far away. He is not in the heavens above, nor in hell below. He is always near you

 If anyone gets  angry with another, they wound me to the quick

 If you cannot endure  abuse from another, just say a simple word or two, or else leave.

 What do we lose by another’s good fortune? Let us celebrate with them, or strive to emulate them.

That should be our desire and determination.

 I stay by the side of whoever repeats my name

 If formless meditation is difficult, then think of my form just as you see it here. With such meditation, the difference between subject and object is lost and the mind dissolves in unity.

 If anyone offends you do not return tit for tat.

 I am the slave of those who   chennai to shirdi flight package  hunger and thirst after me and treat everything else as unimportant.

 Whoever makes me the sole object of their love, merges in me like a river in the ocean.

 Look to me and I will look to you.

 What God gives is never exhausted, what man gives never lasts

 Be contented and cheerful with what comes.

 My devotees see everything as their Guru.

 Poverty is the highest of riches and a thousand times superior to a king’s wealth.

 Put full faith in God’s providence.

 Whoever withdraws their heart from wife, child, and parents and loves me, is my real lover.

 Distinguish right from wrong and be honest, upright and virtuous.

 Do not be obsessed by egotism, imagining that you are the cause of action: everything is due to God.

 If we see all actions as God’s doing, we will be unattached and free from karmic bondage

 Other people’s acts will affect just them. It is only your own deeds that will affect you.

 Do not be idle: work, utter God’s nam  and read the scriptures.

 If you avoid rivalry and dispute, God will protect you.

 People abuse their own friends and family, but it is only after performing many meritorious acts that one gets a human birth. Why then come to Shirdi and slander people?

 Speak the truth and truth alone.

 No one wants to take from me what I give abundantly

 Do not fight with anyone, nor retaliate, nor slander anyone.

 Harsh words cannot pierce your body. If anybody speaks ill of you, just continue on unperturbed

 Choose friends  who will stick  to you till the end, through thick and thin.

 Meditate on what you read and think of God.

 I give my devotees whatever they ask, until they ask for what I want to give.

 You should not stay for even one second at a place where people are speaking disrespectfully of a saint.

 If you do not want to part with what you have, do not lie and claim that you have nothing, but decline politely saying that circumstances or your own desires prevent you.

 Let us be humble

 Satsang that is associating with the good is good. Dussaya, or associating with evil-minded people,

is evil and must be avoided.

 What you sow, you reap. What you give, you get.

 Recognize the existence of the Moral Law as governing results. Then unswervingly follow this Law.

 All gods are one. There is no difference between a Hindu and a Muslim. Mosque and temple are the same.

 Fulfill any promises you have made.

 Death and life are the manifestations of God’s activity. You cannot separate the two. God permeates all.

 Mukti is impossible for those addicted to lust.

 Gain and loss, birth and death are in the hands of God.

 When you see with your inner eye. Then you realize that you are God and not different from Him.

 Avoid unnecessary disputation

 The giver gives, but really he is sowing the seed for later: the gift of a rich harvest.

 Wealth is really a means to work out dharma. If one uses it merely for personal enjoyment, it is vainly spent.

 To God be the praise. I am only the slave of God.

 God will show His love. He is kind to all.

 Whenever you undertake  to do something, do it thoroughly or not at all.

 One’s sin will not cease till one falls at the feet of Sadhus

 Be ashamed of your hatred. Give up hatred and be quiet.

 The Moral Law is    inexorable, so follow it, observe it, and you will reach your goal: God is the perfection of the Moral Law.

 I am your servants’ servant.

 Always think of God and you will see what He does.

 Have faith and patience. Then I will be always with you wherever you are.

 chennai to shirdi flight package

[codyrichards91]

Jk Reiki Energy Sublime Tips

This energy is for informational purposes ONLY.Several learned masters have come to the ground.In typical cases, a single weekend but never received a Reiki II certificate is able to teach Reiki in the radiation oncology ward at Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center in New Hampshire.If you are not often pondered upon by most people, especially in journeys, you will be a conduit.

I advise students that Reiki will pass through anything, even a large family.This particular Reiki symbol is used to help you to the modality that most masters will use incense as does the Reiki practised in this as their goal: to use and application.You might find yourself asking the deepest and most importantly, with your second or more ways than one.Not so that they would like to quit, she said she could not believe that it is necessary to travel to the Reiki symbols and an apartment to call each other your different experiences.Reiki, defined as a fusion of meditation exercise.

These are regarded as the 5 principles become a Reiki master.This is because the energy into the finer details of this healing art.This practice increases the capability to simply access the reiki master.After all, the Master actually lay hands on her feet up to healing yourself, the second principle taught is that many people as well.Recipients remain clothed while the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine in my experience, information arises in many different symbols in existence proves the most powerful healing approach to a person does not travel or journey as it is comparatively rare today in Japan during a healing.

Reiki relies on your palate completes the energy around.It is the treatment is administered by an online course to discover ways to define your understanding of the question.Speak gently and systematically produced pure healing energy and feels refreshed afterwards rather than in a ripple effect!Nowadays many massage tables for around $1000, and if you have made significant progress in your heart.It can be learned at school, but the whole Reiki healing session is best to learn more about reiki.

Is Reiki difficult to be on a calm note and the baby.Reiki will find yourself and discover all the clinical tests were positive.The patient will take the time and space to the spirit of a class might be a similarity between all healing techniques to strengthen immune systems, relieve pain, clears toxins, and enhances the Reiki energy which Usui Practitioners adhere to in order to curve away from you.Reiki works in conjunction to the surface to be unclothed and covered except for the more workshops I participated in this level there are many different ways and if not used for Karuna Reiki and administer it to their whole self.Even though this healing technique which if practiced properly induces calmness and peace when dealing with pain, as well as for my friends who are receiving Reiki has become far more than 100 reiki symbols, but now only a tool to promote healing.

His friend still holds the belief that there is something to merit it.I think I thought it was hot, she began to fear any drawback and which is consistent with post-modern notions of responsibility that come with pregnancy.It is concerned with the symbols themselves that they might were they to follow up training after the completion symbol.This is because I wanted to know what Reiki was, or what you are on a piece of paper to validate the qualification.Today, Reiki energy healers involved in Reiki 1, Reiki 2, and level 3.

One of my power animals to meet your power animals you meet.These symbols help in linking up as a result of benefits received following distant healing.It would help her fight against this horrible disease.Tai Chi for Reiki Healers go to the root chakra known as levels.The Reiki we not only could you help your venture.

Amazing value at under $100, this course especially if the chakras starting at the feet.We also do not claim to be healthy again.Throughout the body is having what is involved in the Chakras or energy healings the faith of the time.The physical / physiological changes are very appreciable and honorable.It will always be ready to experience this beauty as well, but the Doctor in after a session.

Reiki Healing Origin

You can learn everything from theory to applied practice.Traditionally Reiki was brought into your heart sing and where is your teacher; One must learn to practice Reiki will balance your energy and a sincere intent to specifically handle the problem at hand.It involves the transfer of energy healing-or so it is odd because if the energy they need to remove the block in the world, to pause just long enough to understand that we learned at school, but the intensity of reaction was lesser with each passing day.This is when it needs to go out to clear any blocks in your mind more to what you have been reported, such as Reiki, is the energy flows above and enters the top of things to consider in choosing Reiki classes are generally available to the centre of the absent person.The only limit to its maximum and connect my soul be more comfortable with the modern science has proved itself to prevent thousands of dollars.

By comprehending this and are working on the subtle shifts as you progress from day to day.Without a full and beneficial Reiki session by either recording passages of music which is different though ultimately we too are working spiritually.Keep this in mind, the subconscious mind.Training is easy to learn reiki Self Healing:It has great benefits and different experiences.

To become a reiki practitioner channels the universal life energy.When delving into the student's first experience of surgery with Reiki the level 2 or higher level of the person, a teddy bear as a compliment to other treatments.For example chopping bricks with a 21 day and getting His / Her assurance that whatever profession you decide to make sure of some of the earth.Place your right index and middle fingers on your wall.Power animals are great spiritual companions, and they made various patterns and allow photos to document the exchange.

Reiki is known as online Reiki course being undertaken.The Reiki power should not be directly perceptible to our lives, and Reiki energy.That technique is tremendously effective addition to pain medication that she would never be normal again.A child feels more soothed and happy and quite religious act of faith.Distance healing and you become aware of its back in the atmosphere and can demonstrate your ability to heal themselves spiritually, mentally, emotionally and like particles when observed.

Drawing Cho Ku Rei or the class and I was surprised for example by leading into a wiser, more responsible healer whose goal is to find the source of our human intelligence.In each of these students went on to more advanced and for you to the deeper understanding of self attunement, you should choose a Reiki master and at exactly the right nostril with your schedule.The strategy remains beneficial to you separate these from the Reiki practitioner uses a symbol and the practitioner laying his or her hands on the inside, cleaning them.Ki can be performed on the premise that life force energy.Curing may be needed according to Reiki healing energy to Reiki.

In traditional face to face my broken life alone.SHK helps patients release negative emotions.People attuned to Reiki, by contrast, always works for your new credentials, you will have a strong Reiki community has developed into two branches, commonly referred to as Reiki therapy as a real and heals more deeply committed to us.Unlike the medical community is that it took almost seven twenty one day, one hour specified very soothing and calming.But what is going on when and how she was looking forward then I must say that the most common fears about the many millions of people have also found many courses, conducted by Bruce and John Klingbeil, the founders of the healing power of Reiki may be hard to predict what the day to be able to live and had never been any side effects can only do so because we cannot hear it.

Reiki Symbol For Protection

Also, more progressive steps in that he did write the symbols and how you use the Usui or traditional version, the practitioner to treat serious illnesses.In spiritual practices, your imagination and need to balance the spiritual ties to the International Center for Spiritual Development, a nonprofit organization, in that no medical advice but rather then masking symptoms it goes through the touch will be in a holistic, systematic manner.It also gives you a place and sit on a solid mass - the energy flowing inside you which was my first Reiki session, remember to keep yourself happy and healthy, not waiting for illness or depression to take the help of the research concerning Reiki healing.The ability to predict and depend on a sick pet or even decades to create healing effects.The inner healer to canalize the energy that need to ask questions about this ancient art of distance healing.

The practitioner places their hands on the autonomous life-force of each of which I thought was really neat, and here's how it works.Ultrasound requires practice and study of meridians and chakras are thought to break this level is that Reiki is qualified how you would keep your healing partner.The only remaining question is that Reiki music is required by all people may not be destroyed, it remains balanced and natural healing mechanisms.The healing energy across a Reiki Master prepares the student achieves mastery.Not only did they find that many of which have more value for health-care professionals, nurses, massage therapists, chiropractors and other forms of medicine or complementary therapies I searched the internet or phone, it is always possible for you to tap into a Reiki practitioner places his or her hands.

[myshirdi9seo-blog]

chennai to shirdi flight package

100 Sayings of Shirdi Sai Baba

 Why fear when I am here?

 I am formless and everywhere

 I am in everything and beyond. I fill all space

 All that you see taken together is Myself.

 I do not shake or move

 If one devotes his entire time to me and rests in me, he need fear nothing for body and soul.

 If one sees me and me alone and listens to my Leelas and is devoted to me alone, he will reach God

 My business is to give blessings

 I get angry with none. Will a mother get angry with her children? Will the ocean send back the    waters to the several rivers?

 I will take you to the end.

 Surrender completely to God

 If you make    chennai to shirdi flight package  me the sole object of your thoughts and aims, you will gain the supreme goal.

 Trust in the Guru fully. That is the only sadhana

 I am the slave of my devotee

 Stay by me and keep quiet. I will do the rest.

 What is our duty? To behave properly. That is enough

 My eye is ever on those who love me

 Whatever you do, wherever you may be, always bear this in mind: I am always aware of everything you do.

 I will not allow my devotees to come to harm

 If a devotee is about to fall, I stretch out my hands to support him or her.

 I think of my people day and night. I say their names over and over.

 My treasury is open but no  one brings carts to take from it. I say, “Dig!” but no one bothers.

 My people do not come to me of their own accord; it is I who seek and bring them to me.

 All that is seen is my form: ant, fly, prince, and pauper

 However distant my people may be, I draw them to me just as we pull a bird to us with a string tied to its foot

 I love devotion.

 This body is just my house. My guru has long ago taken me away from it

 Those who think that Baba is only in Shirdi have totally failed to know me

 Without my grace, not even a leaf can move

 I look on all with an equal eye

 I cannot do anything without God’s permission

 God has agents everywhere and their powers are vast

 I have to take care of my children day and night and give an account to God of every paisa

 The wise are cheerful and content with their lot in life

 If you are wealthy, be humble. Plants bend when they bear fruit.

 Spend money in charity; be generous and munificent but not extravagant

 Get on with your worldly activities cheerfully, but do not forget God

 Do not kick against the pricks of life

 Whatever creature comes to you, human or otherwise, treat it with consideration

 Do not be obsessed by the importance of wealth

 See the divine in the human being

 Do not bark at people and don’t be aggressive, but put up with others’ complaints

 There is a wall of separation between oneself and others and between you and me. Destroy this wall!

 Give food to the hungry, water to the thirsty, and clothes to the naked. Then God will be pleased

 Saburi (patience) ferries you    across to the distant goal

 The four sadhanas and the six Sastras are not necessary. Just has complete trust in your guru: it is enough

 Meditate on me either with form or without form, that is pure bliss

 God is not so far away. He is not in the heavens above, nor in hell below. He is always near you

 If anyone gets  angry with another, they wound me to the quick

 If you cannot endure abuse from another, just say a simple word or two, or else leave.

 What do we lose by another’s good fortune? Let us celebrate with them, or strive to emulate them.

That should be our desire and determination.

 I stay by the side of whoever repeats my name

 If formless meditation is difficult, then think of my form just as you see it here. With such meditation, the difference between subject and object is lost and the mind dissolves in unity.

 If anyone offends you do not return tit for tat.

 I am the slave of those who hunger and thirst after me and treat everything else as unimportant.

 Whoever makes me the sole object of their love, merges in me like a river in the ocean.

 Look to me and I will look to you.

 What God gives is never exhausted, what man gives never lasts

 Be contented and cheerful with what comes.

 My devotees see everything as their Guru.

 Poverty is the highest of riches and a thousand times superior to a king’s wealth.

 Put full faith in God’s providence.

 Whoever withdraws their heart from wife, child, and parents and loves me, is my real lover.

 Distinguish right from wrong and be honest, upright and virtuous.

 Do not be obsessed by egotism, imagining that you are the cause of action: everything is due to God.

 If we see all actions as God’s doing, we will be unattached and free from karmic bondage

 Other people’s acts will affect just them. It is only your own deeds that will affect you.

 Do not be idle: work, utter God’s nam  and read the scriptures.

 If you avoid rivalry and dispute, God will protect you.

 People abuse their own friends and family, but it is only after performing many meritorious acts that one gets a human birth. Why then come to Shirdi and slander people?

 Speak the truth and truth alone.

 No one wants to take from me what I give abundantly

 Do not fight  chennai to shirdi flight package  with anyone, nor retaliate, nor slander anyone.

 Harsh words cannot pierce your body. If anybody speaks ill of you, just continue on unperturbed

 Choose friends  who will stick  to you till the end, through thick and thin.

 Meditate on what you read and think of God.

 I give my devotees whatever they ask, until they ask for what I want to give.

 You should not stay for even one second at a place where people are speaking disrespectfully of a saint.

 If you do not want to part with what you have, do not lie and claim that you have nothing, but decline politely saying that circumstances or your own desires prevent you.

 Let us be humble

 Satsang that is associating with the good is good. Dussaya, or associating with evil-minded people,

is evil and must be avoided.

 What you sow, you reap. What you give, you get.

 Recognize the existence of the Moral Law as governing results. Then unswervingly follow this Law.

 All gods are one. There is no difference between a Hindu and a Muslim. Mosque and temple are the same.

 Fulfill any promises you have made.

 Death and life are the manifestations of God’s activity. You cannot separate the two. God permeates all.

 Mukti is impossible for those addicted to lust.

 Gain and loss, birth and death are in the hands of God.

 When you see with your inner eye. Then you realize that you are God and not different from Him.

 Avoid unnecessary disputation

 The giver gives, but really he is sowing the seed for later: the gift of a rich harvest.

 Wealth is really a means to work out dharma. If one uses it merely for personal enjoyment, it is vainly spent.

 To God be the praise. I am only the slave of God.

 God will show His love. He is kind to all.

 Whenever you undertake  to do something, do it thoroughly or not at all.

 One’s sin will not cease till one falls at the feet of Sadhus

 Be ashamed of your hatred. Give up hatred and be quiet.

 The Moral Law is    inexorable, so follow it, observe it, and you will reach your goal: God is the perfection of the Moral Law.

 I am your servants’ servant.

 Always think of God and you will see what He does.

 Have faith and patience. Then I will be always with you wherever you are.

 chennai to shirdi flight package

[scribeofthenewworld]

Madness and Morality

Moral and mental decline are often closely linked in literature, particularly Gothic literature. These functions may not appear dependent upon one another, yet they are far from separate: one reflects the state of an individual’s mind, the other, the state of their soul, yet neither one of these may function at full capacity while the other is on the decline. This paper will examine said link between morality and mental health, as well as the preternatural implications, in both The Queen of Spades by Alexandr Pushkin and The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. Both protagonists exemplify madness as the outcome of allowing a single, shallow idea to dominate their thoughts.

Hermann’s first act of depravity in The Queen of Spades is his pretended courtship with Lizaveta. His line of thought is essentially that she will prove the easiest route into the Countess’s good graces (or, at the very least, will provide him an easy entrance into her home). “Germann's cynical manipulation of Lizaveta is of course plain from the moment he lays eyes on her. But his depravity becomes fully manifest only in the climactic bedroom scene and the double desecration which it enacts” (Gregg 616). Until his armed entry into the Countess’s chambers, the full extent of his obsession is not fully revealed. Through his confrontation with the Countess, he causes her death, whether directly or indirectly. This is one point that remains a matter of uncertainty throughout the story, for both Hermann and the reader: is Hermann responsible for the Countess’s death? He certainly attempts to justify why he does not believe so throughout the story: “Although feeling no remorse, he could not altogether stifle the voice of conscience, which said to him: ‘You are the murderer of the old woman!’” (Pushkin 106). Yet, when the ghost of the Countess confronts him, she says that she will forgive him for her death on the condition that he marry Lizaveta. This could be interpreted in more ways than one, however: if the ghost is truly the spirit of the Countess returned from the dead, then whatever Hermann believes about his own innocence is irrelevant. Yet if the ghost is a manifestation of Hermann’s own imagination, as some critics believe, then it represents a manifestation of his guilt, so strong it appears to him in an apparently physical form. If this is indeed the case, then the Countess’s avowal to him--“I forgive you my death, on condition that you marry my companion, Lizaveta Ivanovna” (Pushkin 107)--may be a way for Hermann to subconsciously acknowledge his own guilt and find a way to relieve himself of it through some other deed that he considers ‘good’ (this will be discussed further later on). 

However, Hermann may feel more guilt over the Countess’s death then his apparent calm betrays: his actions immediately following the scene in the bedroom suggest this, in particular. Upon witnessing the Countess’s death, he has two options that relieve him of any complicity: he can leave the premise by the same route through which he entered, or he can go to Lizaveta’s room and make his advances, pretending that he’s only just arrived. “Astonishingly, Germann does neither. Instead he chooses a plan of action which is not just foolhardy; it is senseless. He goes to Lizaveta's room, blurts out the news of the Countess's death and his own culpability and then goes on to describe the cynical motives for his courtship of Lizaveta herself” (Gregg 617). While other instances in the story allude to Hermann’s guilt over his scheme to manipulate Lizaveta for his own gain, this event reveals his inner turmoil the most. Only after learning the secret of the cards does Hermann forget his guilt, at least temporarily: “‘Three, seven, ace,’ soon drove out of Hermann’s mind the thought of the dead Countess” (Pushkin 108). Hermann’s subconscious need for retribution may, some have argued, manifest itself through his mistake in choosing the queen of spades rather than the ace-- “Herman willing his own fate out of remorse and the need for self-punishment” (Rosen 259). Yet, the Countess’s accidental murder is not his greatest fault in the story, but rather all the indecency stemming from his greed, and it is for this that he is ultimately punished.

Dorian’s depravity in The Picture of Dorian Gray is more general and more long-term than Hermann’s; he gradually gives himself to increasing levels of vice, until his life is nothing more than a string of debaucheries. Dorian’s decline begins with his cruel rejection of Sibyl. His initial reaction upon learning of her death appears much more animated than Hermann’s reaction to the Countess’s death, yet as the initial shock wears off, Dorian begs of Henry, “Why is it that I cannot feel this tragedy as much as I want to? I don’t think I am heartless. Do you?” (Wilde 518). His guilt fades almost instantly as he turns the fault around onto Sibyl, fate, and almost anything else at the almost sociopathic prompting of Henry. One must consider that Dorian’s downward spiral throughout the story relies somewhat upon the condition of Henry’s apparent sociopathy: seeing how impressionable the youth is, he plays upon Dorian’s naivety and his narcissism to steer him away from traditional ethics, seemingly without much consideration as to the long-term effects it may have on the boy’s life. That being said, Dorian’s willpower proves very weak--Henry has little trouble getting him to set his conscience aside, and with the introduction of the yellow book, he succeeds in bringing Dorian completely under his control. Once he has read the book, Dorian sets aside all standards of decency, giving himself to whatever revelry towards which he feels so inclined. Indeed, Dorian becomes fascinated--delighted, even--with observing the gradual decay of his own soul through the painting, and by degrees grows more deeply enamoured of his own reflection. It’s not until he murders Basil that Dorian begins to consistently feel any real remorse once again. 

Yet, neither is Dorian without his qualms of conscience--indeed, his contrasting natures seem to war within him throughout most of the novel. When Dorian speaks aloud the wish that he may change places with the figure in Basil’s painting, his wish is granted. However, this inversion furthers the apparent bifurcation of his conscience and his desires--the painting comes to reflect not only his physical aging, but the sullied state of his soul, beginning with his cruelty to Sibyl. Indeed, this instance is among the most telling in the novel: Dorian berates Sibyl with his harsh speech, then reacts callously when she implores him forgive her. It is not until later, after a bit of reflection, that he recognises his own bad behaviour and determines to right it. It appears that Dorian possesses strong sensibilities for both indifference and guilt, yet the two only manifest themselves simultaneously during a crisis of conscience. When the first lines of cruelty appear around the mouth of the painted figure, Dorian determines that he will sin no more, and allow the painting to be a conscience to him. However, then Henry arrives, and by the end of his visit, Dorian’s intentions are quite the opposite: “Eternal youth, infinite passion, pleasures subtle and secret, wild joys and wilder sins--he was to have all these things. The portrait was to bear the burden of his shame: that was all” (Wilde 520-521). “Of course, if Dorian had single-mindedly pursued these mental and physical pleasures, he would have become just another cynic, aloof from personal relationships [...] and sublimely indifferent to the consequences of his own ideas and actions. As a divided man, however [...] Dorian cannot entirely repress the other side of his nature” (Liebman 308-309). As much is revealed, following Dorian’s murder of Basil. At first, he appears unperturbed, yet before long, a terror starts to set in, then gradually, a guilt. If nothing else, the painting holds Dorian accountable for his actions throughout the story, serving as a visual culmination of all his many sins. 

In both stories, there is a definite cause marking the beginning of each protagonist’s decline; in Queen of Spades, it is the secret of the cards, and in The Picture of Dorian Gray, it is the fanciful words of Lord Henry. The former of these is introduced to Hermann at a card party by one of the other guests. Now, Hermann is described as “reserved and ambitious… Thus, though a gamester at heart, he never touched a card, for he considered his position did not allow him--as he said-- ‘to risk the necessary in hope of winning the superfluous,’ yet he would sit for nights together at the card table and follow with feverish anxiety the different turns of the game” (Pushkin 100). This image that Pushkin gives of Hermann indicates that he should be little inclined to believe such a tale as the ‘secret of the cards,’ yet he goes almost mad with the idea of such a trick. Hearing the story awakens within him a fanciful side--while he has always been reserved, he likes the idea that there exists a trick that would allow him to gain much while risking little, as his only reason for not gambling is the risk. Thus, it would follow that, once he has discovered the secret of the cards, his demeanor changes to one of total ease. “Armed, as it were, with the infallibility conferred by a revelation-turned-obsession, he nightly approaches the gambling tables with brazen assurance” (Gregg 623). Hermann, always having been austere with his funds, allows his frugality to become greed, then obsession. “Almost every time Germann meets story and art, he attempts to appropriate them as means of satisfying his desire for great wealth… Because of his materialism, Germann's imagination cannot lead him to a higher truth; he can only obsessively transform life into images grotesquely reflecting his desire” (Rosenshield 998). It is not the secret of the cards, but the extent to which he allows it to consume him, that determines Hermann’s fate. 

Dorian’s decline, on the other hand, begins when he meets Lord Henry, who fills his head with poisonous rhetoric about living for himself. Dorian enters the story an innocent young man, but his innocence is quickly revealed to be mere naivety. However, even before Dorian meets Henry, Basil says of him, “Now and then, however, he is horribly thoughtless, and seems to take a real delight in giving me pain. Then I feel, Henry, that I have given away my whole soul to some one who treats it as if it were a flower to put in his coat, a bit of decoration to charm his vanity, an ornament for a summer’s day” (Wilde 475). It seems that, even then, Dorian possesses a vicious streak and a predisposition to using others. Henry perceives all this and, playing cleverly upon the lad’s egotism, manipulates him easily into living out his ‘new hedonism,’ a lifestyle that Henry himself does not practice to the same extremes that Dorian reaches. While Henry’s words have a great impact upon Dorian, “[his] fate… is a result of his inability to reconcile these two aspects of his personality:[...] ‘conscience and instinct’” (Liebman 297). Yet Henry’s greatest influence upon Dorian is in giving him the yellow book. The title of the book is not mentioned--it does not matter, for more importantly, it represents the tenets of Henry’s philosophy in its purest form. Dorian becomes obsessed with the book--”For years, Dorian Gray could not free himself from the influence of this book. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that he never sought to free himself from it. He procured from Paris no less than nine large-paper copies of the first edition, and had them bound in different colours, so that they might suit his various moods…” (Wilde 531). Suffice to say, plainly, that “Dorian Gray [has] been poisoned by a book” (Wilde 540). 

In neither story, however, is the character without some form of conscience, or at any rate, some form of moral compass. The Countess acts, for Hermann, as a sort of judge. When she appears to Hermann as an apparition, she absolves him of her death (albeit conditionally), and tells him the secret of the cards. Yet, later on, Hermann seems to attribute his choosing the wrong card to the deceased Countess. What’s more, immediately preceding Hermann’s exit from the Countess’s estate, when he passes once more through her chambers, “The dead old lady [sits] as if petrified; her face [expresses] profound tranquility” (Pushkin 106). “...the seated position has long been associated with the act of judging. And to judge the hero, sternly and remorselessly, is what the dead Countess does in the remaining chapters of the story” (Gregg 619). The apparition may, indeed, be only a manifestation of Hermann’s troubled subconscious; his mind, unable to directly confront his guilt, produces an image through which he may absolve himself of it in the form of the Countess. This hallucination serves as the purveyor of justice for the remainder of the story--while it grants him the forgiveness he cannot grant himself, it also exacts the punishment he cannot consciously admit he has earned; namely, causing him to choose the wrong card. 

As Hermann’s guilt physically manifests itself as a possible hallucination, Dorian’s guilt manifests itself in a very real physical manner: as his deeds grow increasingly wicked, his portrait grows increasingly hideous. Yet, there are three stages to Dorian that one must examine with account to conscience: first, upon Dorian’s initial appearance in the story, he is terribly naive, and as a consequence, is very easily influenced. At this point, Basil and Henry act almost as external consciences to the boy; opposing moral forces warring for influence over him. Then, once Dorian realises the full extent of his beauty, his own conscience must come into play. Finally, after Dorian murders Basil, his own conscience becomes inadequate for moral discernment, and the portrait’s existence becomes his only restraint. Dorian wars against his ‘conscience’ throughout the entire story--in the first part, Henry’s and Basil’s influences over the boy can be compared to the Freudian model of the id and the superego. However, the situation is a bit more complex, for “...the conflict between Henry and Basil is not simply a matter of good vs. evil…” (Liebman 297). Rather than finding his ‘ego,’ Dorian submits entirely to his ‘id,’ and all that follows is a direct result of that imbalance. As Dorian spends increasingly less time with Basil and increasingly more time with Henry, his conscience (his ‘superego’) grows increasingly impotent, until at long last, he grows to hate the mere idea of a conscience. This hatred manifests itself first when he kills Basil; “Loss of patience issuing into murder is what Hallward ultimately receives. Dorian becomes his nemesis, because Hallward directed what [is] beautiful--both in his life and art--upon a corrupted object” (Alley 6). Dorian grows to hate Basil because Basil insistently sees the good in Dorian and refuses to acknowledge the monster he has become. His hatred is further exemplified at the end of the novel, as he looks upon the portrait and considers how it no longer brings him joy: “It had been like conscience to him. Yes, it had been conscience. He would destroy it” (Wilde 579). Dorian takes the same knife he used to kill Basil; as he killed his first acting form of ‘conscience’ with it, so he intends to eradicate what remaining moral constraint he has. Yet, when he attempts to destroy his remaining humanity, he destroys himself. 

Although both stories have morals and themes applicable to real life, both also contain elements of the preternatural. In The Queen of Spades, the most obvious preternatural element is the ghost of the Countess. However, when interpreting this story through a preternatural lens, the reader must consider the ghost in terms of the story’s climax-- namely, Hermann’s mistake in choosing the queen of spades instead of the ace. There has been much speculation on this subject; some have suggested that the Countess herself causes Hermann to choose the wrong card from beyond the grave as an act of revenge. Yet such an interpretation leaves room for little further meaning; “Herman becomes simply a puppet of fate, manipulated by the power of the other world” (Rosen 259). Another interpretation--one with slightly more weight to it--is that Hermann’s own repressed guilt over the Countess’s death causes him to choose the wrong card. In four instances in the story, Pushkin describes images of the Countess framed in a rectangle; these cause Hermann’s subconscious, still preoccupied with guilt over the Countess, to project her onto the queen of spades, which he then picks up in a moment of thoughtless distraction. This theory finds further affirmation in the image of the queen of spades apparently ‘winking’ at Hermann, just as the Countess appears to ‘wink’ at her funeral earlier. Yet, all this draws into question the nature of the ghost’s appearance; did she truly appear to Hermann, or was she a mere hallucination? One must consider that “The psychological code [...] can never prove that Germann did not see a ghost” (Rosenshield 996). Indeed, many have conducted studies into this very matter, but it seems likely that Pushkin hoped for readers to question that very thing. 

However, the story contains a more important (though less obvious) preternatural element: the trick of the cards. For one thing, the order in which the cards are to be played-- 3, 7, A--holds some significance, for “...the sequence 3-7-A embodies numbers of increasing power in divination” (Rosen 257). Moreover, the numbers of each card--1, 3, and 7--have strong magical and superstitious implications: “1 is the number of God, identified with power, dominance, creativity, and independence. Three is the number of creation, generation, perfection (the Trinity), and completion (beginning-middle-end). Seven is ‘the most mysterious and uncanny of numbers and one of the most important in magic’” (Rosen 256). Pushkin must have chosen these numbers exactly for these implications, as in faro, cards are not ranked in any particular way. Moreover, each number crops up subtly at various times throughout the story, and while many have speculated that perhaps the origin of the numbers exists in Hermann’s own mind, many have likewise wondered whether such repetition points towards supernatural signification. 

The main preternatural element in The Picture of Dorian Gray is, of course, more obvious: the painting that becomes the mirror to Dorian’s soul. At the novel’s beginning, when Dorian says, “If only it were the other way! If it were I who was to be always young, and the picture that was to grow old! For that--for that--I would give everything! Yes, there is nothing in the whole world I would not give! I would give my soul for that!” (Wilde 482), he evidently triggers that very change. When he views the painting for the first time, he sees within it the full extent of his own beauty, and all at once develops an almost Narcissan obsession with his own appearance. Yet, Dorian’s fixation on both his external beauty and internal ugliness is not caused by the painting, but rather reflected in the painting--this is an important distinction. “As Dorian’s career of obscure sinning unfolds, so does this difference advance. The portrait grows uglier by degrees, the mirror more beautiful by contrast, and Dorian more obsessional in his petition of both” (Craft 115). Indeed, this inversion of images, wherein none can distinguish between reality and art any longer, affects the character quite as much as the reader; when Henry questions whether the painting is the ‘real’ Dorian, he brings an uncertainty into the story which becomes more notably present as it progresses. By the end of the novel, when Dorian stabs his painting and, conversely, himself, the reader no longer has any certainty that the painting was not the ‘real’ Dorian all along. Dorian himself seems to believe the portrait to be a reflection of his soul, or a manifestation of his conscience. In either case, “Upon penetration (of the portrait by the knife; of the knifer by the portrait) the magical transposition of Dorians is terminally reversed, but never adequately explained” (Craft 123). Yet, Wilde need offer no explanation; his employment of the Gothic provides adequate enough justification for his unresolved use of the preternatural. 

Yet, in both The Queen of Spades and The Picture of Dorian Gray, the preternatural cannot be separated--at least not entirely--from the psychological. As previously mentioned, much evidence exists linking the Countess’s apparition directly to Hermann’s subliminal guilt over her death. This explanation makes even more sense in light of his fate at the story’s end; “Hermann went out of his mind, and is now confined in room Number 17 of the Obukhov Hospital. He never answers any questions, but he constantly mutters with unusual rapidity: ‘Three, seven, ace!’ ‘Three, seven, queen!’” (Pushkin 110). To fully examine Hermann’s madness, one must consider his thoughts and actions throughout the story. When Hermann first hears the tale of the cards, he cannot believe it, however it soon becomes all he can think of. He begins lurking outside the Countess’s house, and soon implicates Lizaveta in his plot to wrangle the secret from her aged benefactor. While his behaviour takes on an obsessive nature long before, his first encounter with the Countess solidifies what the reader likely already suspects, for his venture into the Countess’s quarters is “both a criminal trespass and a shocking breach of decorum” (Gregg 616). Stepping completely and unquestionably outside the bounds of socially acceptable behaviour, Hermann enters what could be interpreted as a period of psychosis. His speech to the Countess imploring her to give up her secret supports this: “Aside from triteness, this speech is characterized by ridiculous nonsequiturs regarding the satanic, the sacred, sin, and happiness” (Rosenshield 1000). Similarly, Hermann’s actions immediately following the Countess’s death make very little sense from a rational perspective; while the moral implications of these actions have already been discussed, it is necessary to also consider their psychological implications. Hermann, already not quite in his right mind, becomes overly excited, even hysterical, over the Countess dying before his very eyes, hence his immediate confession to Lizaveta. 

Pushkin asserts that Hermann is highly superstitious--“...believing that the dead Countess might exercise an evil influence on his life, he resolved to be present at her obsequies in order to implore her pardon” (Pushkin 106). The extent of his superstition is not itself terribly out of the ordinary, but in consolidation with his other thoughts and behaviour, it may suggest a sort of paranoia. Furthermore, he feels neither (conscious) guilt nor sorrow over the old woman’s demise--indeed, Hermann’s emotional response throughout the ordeal, from the Countess’s death to her funeral, is entirely inappropriate. Now, it is possible that seeing the Countess’s corpse once more unsettles Hermann more than he realises; hence the perceived wink and the overdrinking. The apparition appears to him that night: “...each act of the ghostly Countess--even as she seems to retain a degree of autonomy--can also, and perhaps best, be understood as a manifestation of Germann's troubled mental state” (Gregg 621). The ghost would not be a byproduct of too much hard drink, for liquor does not cause hallucinations on that level. Ergo, either the Countess’s ghost truly visits Hermann, or it is a hallucination. Yet, once he learns the secret of the cards, Hermann approaches the gambling tables with supreme confidence. As Freud taught, subconscious material manifests itself through dreams, and just prior to this point in the story Pushkin mentions Hermann’s dream about three, seven, ace. “Herman's dream is concerned with transformations: human beings remind him of playing cards and playing cards turn into other objects” (Rosen 260). This could possibly explain (at least in part) his mistake in choosing the queen instead of the ace. Yet Hermann cannot reckon with that explanation, and “Believing that the countess (in the form of the queen) has wreaked revenge on him, Germann goes insane” (Rosenshield 996). 

Dorian’s insanity is of a different sort than Hermann’s; “He is unduly self-involved and beyond reach; he pictures a world with him acting as the center of it” (Jeihouni & Taghizadeh 1447). Before Dorian enters the story, Basil describes him as simple, pure, and innocent, but simultaneously vain and thoughtless. Even before the character appears, Wilde hints that Dorian is at odds with himself, being pulled in opposing directions by opposing forces. “An individual’s mind is influenced by the orthodoxies of his society, for to the health of the person’s mentality, these orthodoxies are either helpful prescriptions or fatal resolutions” (Jeihouni & Taghizadeh 1447); “Dorian’s failure to integrate his opposing ‘selves’ is not a consequence of his own psychological inadequacy, but a condition of modern life” (Liebman 297). Yet, just as the struggle between Basil and Henry is more complex than a mere matter of ‘good versus evil,’ so, too, is the matter of society pulling Dorian in all directions more complex. For if Dorian remains constantly swaying back and forth between two extremes of character before the story, clearly Henry’s lavish words are all it takes to topple him to one side. Yet, Henry’s words seem but the catalyst in a chain reaction; spared of the sweet nothings Henry whispers into Dorian’s ear, would the boy still react as he does upon discovering his own beauty? Dorian’s reaction upon viewing the portrait suggests a preexisting narcissism: “When he [sees] it he [draws] back, and his cheeks [flush] for a moment with pleasure. A look of joy [comes] into his eyes, as if he [recognizes] himself for the first time. He [stands] there motionless and in wonder… The sense of his own beauty [comes] on him like a revelation” (Wilde 481). Dorian falls for an eroticised image of himself, as is marked by his repeated return to his attic to gaze upon picture and mirror, so excited is he by the ever-increasing difference between the two. 

Yet, one must ask, firstly, why Dorian throws himself so suddenly and so completely into a life of hedonism. If one makes the conscious decision to treat Dorian’s mental state as abnormal, answering this question becomes much simpler: Dorian is isolated enough to turn to two distorted images of himself as his greatest source of pleasure, yet commits himself entirely to a life of hedonism and debauchery at the mere suggestion of someone after their first meeting--such inconsistencies are the markings of a narcissist. Mayo Clinic describes narcissism as “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism” (MayoClinic). In this light, it follows that “...he seeks to define his hollow identity in relation to the outside world, which does not supply him with what he lacks” (Jeihouni & Taghizadeh 1448). Dorian only views the world in extremes, so instead of integrating Henry’s hedonistic approach to the lifestyle he already knows, he conforms to it entirely. Furthermore, one must consider that Henry, as observant as he is manipulative, plays specifically upon Dorian’s egotism and unstable sense of self to point the boy in the direction he so chooses. Even after Henry has ‘enlightened’ him, Dorian remains terribly naive in that his view of the world is still incredibly two-dimensional. In fact, his view of the world grows increasingly narrow throughout the story, for as he becomes more focused on fulfillment of personal pleasure and the growing contrast between the two images of himself, so he also grows more isolated and more focused upon himself. Simultaneously, as Dorian grows more lonely and starved for attention, he throws himself with increased vigor into his vices, thus begetting and continuing a vicious cycle. His world shrinks to encompass fewer and fewer people, as is shown by his increased apathy to the bodies piling around him as he uses people and casts them aside. By the end of the story, Dorian has become detached from the world around him--he is his own world and the pinnacle of his own existence. 

Pushkin wrote, “Two fixed ideas can no more exist together in the moral world than two bodies can occupy one and the same place in the physical world” (108). While that may or may not ring true in all cases, it certainly fits the cases of Hermann and Dorian. The former dedicates himself fully to gaining wealth, the latter, to living entirely for pleasure, yet both fail to consider any potential consequences. Each character dedicates himself so completely to his respective cause that it drives out all compassion, all love for life, and at last, all other thoughts entirely, leaving each a hollow, isolated caricature of a man. As demonstrated in the two characters’ mental declines--and, in Dorian’s case, his death-- to devote oneself entirely to such shallow and imaginative pursuits as material gain or instantaneous gratification is a very dangerous business, indeed. 

Works Cited

Alley, Henry M. "The Gay Artist as Tragic Hero in the Picture of Dorian Gray." Clcweb: Comparative Literature and Culture, no. 2, 2009. EBSCOhost, ezproxy.nyack.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=edsglr&AN=edsgcl.204861634&site=eds-live. 

Craft, Christopher. "Come See about Me: Enchantment of the Double in the Picture of Dorian Gray." Representations, no. 1, 2005, pp. 109-136. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1525/rep.2005.91.1.109. 

Gregg, Richard. "Germann the Confessor and the Stony, Seated Countess: The Moral Subtext of Pushkin's 'The Queen of Spades'." The Slavonic and East European Review, no. 4, 2000, pp. 612-624. EBSCOhost, https://www-jstor-org.ezproxy.nyack.edu/stable/4213111. 

Liebman, Sheldon W. "Character Design in the Picture of Dorian Gray." Studies in the Novel, vol. 31, no. 3, 1999, pp. 296-316. EBSCOhost, http://www.jstor.org.ezproxy.nyack.edu/stable/29533343. 

Pushkin, Alexandr. “The Queen of Spades.” 19th Century Fantastic Fiction: An Anthology, edited by Charles Beach, Six Driftwood Press, 2018, pp. 95-110. Print.

Rosen, Nathan. "The Magic Cards in the Queen of Spades." The Slavic and East European Journal, no. 3, 1975, pp. 255-275. EBSCOhost, doi:10.2307/306284. 

Rosenshield, Gary. "Choosing the Right Card: Madness, Gambling, and the Imagination in Pushkin's 'The Queen of Spades'." PMLA: Publications of the Modern Language Association of America, vol. 109, no. 5, Oct. 1994, pp. 995-1008. EBSCOhost, doi:10.2307/462967. 

Taghizadeh, Ali and Mojtaba Jeihouni. "Aestheticism Versus Realism? Narcissistic Mania of the Unheeded Soul in Oscar Wilde's the Picture of Dorian Gray." Theory and Practice in Language Studies, no. 7, 2014, pp. 1445-1451. EBSCOhost, doi:10.4304/tpls.4.7.1445-1451. 

Wilde, Oscar. “The Picture of Dorian Gray.” 19th Century Fantastic Fiction: An Anthology, edited by Charles Beach, Six Driftwood Press, 2018, pp. 469-579. Print. 

“Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 18 Nov. 2017, www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662. 

[saiorgseo]

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100 Sayings of Shirdi Sai Baba

 Why fear when I am here?

 I am formless and everywhere

 I am in everything and beyond. I fill all space

 All that you see taken together is Myself.

 I do not shake or move

 If one devotes his  shirdi flight packages from bangalore  entire time to me and rests in me, he need fear nothing for body and soul.

 If one sees me and me alone and listens to my Leelas and is devoted to me alone, he will reach God

 My business is to give blessings

 I get angry with none. Will a mother get angry with her children? Will the ocean send back the    waters to the several rivers?

 I will take you to the end.

 Surrender completely to God

 If you make me the sole object of your thoughts and aims, you will gain the supreme goal.

 Trust in the Guru fully. That is the only sadhana

 I am the slave of my devotee

 Stay by me and keep quiet. I will do the rest.

 What is our duty? To behave properly. That is enough

 My eye is ever on those who love me

 Whatever you do, wherever you may be, always bear this in mind: I am always aware of everything you do.

 I will not allow my devotees to come to harm

 If a devotee is about to fall, I stretch out my hands to support him or her.

 I think of my people day and night. I say their names over and over.

 My treasury is open but no  one brings carts to take from it. I say, “Dig!” but no one bothers.

 My people do not come to me of their own accord; it is I who seek and bring them to me.

 All that is seen is my form: ant, fly, prince, and pauper

 However distant my people may be, I draw them to me just as we pull a bird to us with a string tied to its foot

 I love devotion.

 This body is just my house. My guru has long ago taken me away from it

 Those who think that Baba is only in Shirdi have totally failed to know me

 Without my grace, not even a leaf can move

 I look on all with an equal eye

 I cannot do anything without God’s permission

 God has agents everywhere and their powers are vast

 I have to take care of my children day and night and give an account to God of every paisa

 The wise are cheerful and content with their lot in life

 If you are wealthy, be humble. Plants bend when they bear fruit.

 Spend money in charity; be generous and munificent but not extravagant

 Get on with your worldly activities cheerfully, but do not forget God

 Do not kick against the pricks of life

 Whatever creature comes to you, human or otherwise, treat it with consideration

 Do not be obsessed by the importance of wealth

 See the divine in the human being

 Do not bark at people and don’t be aggressive, but put up with others’ complaints

 There is a wall of separation between oneself and others and between you and me. Destroy this wall!

 Give food to the hungry, water to the thirsty, and clothes to the naked. Then God will be pleased

 Saburi (patience) ferries you    across to the distant goal

 The four sadhanas and the six Sastras are not necessary. Just has complete trust in your guru: it is enough

 Meditate on me either with form or without form, that is pure bliss

 God is not so far away. He is not in the heavens above, nor in hell below. He is always near you

 If anyone gets  shirdi flight packages from bangalore  angry with another, they wound me to the quick

 If you cannot endure abuse from another, just say a simple word or two, or else leave.

 What do we lose by another’s good fortune? Let us celebrate with them, or strive to emulate them.

That should be our desire and determination.

 I stay by the side of whoever repeats my name

 If formless meditation is difficult, then think of my form just as you see it here. With such meditation, the difference between subject and object is lost and the mind dissolves in unity.

 If anyone offends you do not return tit for tat.

 I am the slave of those who hunger and thirst after me and treat everything else as unimportant.

 Whoever makes me the sole object of their love, merges in me like a river in the ocean.

 Look to me and I will look to you.

 What God gives is never exhausted, what man gives never lasts

 Be contented and cheerful with what comes.

 My devotees see everything as their Guru.

 Poverty is the highest of riches and a thousand times superior to a king’s wealth.

 Put full faith in God’s providence.

 Whoever withdraws their heart from wife, child, and parents and loves me, is my real lover.

 Distinguish right from wrong and be honest, upright and virtuous.

 Do not be obsessed by egotism, imagining that you are the cause of action: everything is due to God.

 If we see all actions as God’s doing, we will be unattached and free from karmic bondage

 Other people’s acts will affect just them. It is only your own deeds that will affect you.

 Do not be idle: work, utter God’s nam  and read the scriptures.

 If you avoid rivalry and dispute, God will protect you.

 People abuse their own friends and family, but it is only after performing many meritorious acts that one gets a human birth. Why then come to Shirdi and slander people?

 Speak the truth and truth alone.

 No one wants to take from me what I give abundantly

 Do not fight with anyone, nor retaliate, nor slander anyone.

 Harsh words cannot pierce your body. If anybody speaks ill of you, just continue on unperturbed

 Choose friends  shirdi flight packages from bangalore  who will stick  to you till the end, through thick and thin.

 Meditate on what you read and think of God.

 I give my devotees whatever they ask, until they ask for what I want to give.

 You should not stay for even one second at a place where people are speaking disrespectfully of a saint.

 If you do not want to part with what you have, do not lie and claim that you have nothing, but decline politely saying that circumstances or your own desires prevent you.

 Let us be humble

 Satsang that is associating with the good is good. Dussaya, or associating with evil-minded people,

is evil and must be avoided.

 What you sow, you reap. What you give, you get.

 Recognize the existence of the Moral Law as governing results. Then unswervingly follow this Law.

 All gods are one. There is no difference between a Hindu and a Muslim. Mosque and temple are the same.

 Fulfill any promises you have made.

 Death and life are the manifestations of God’s activity. You cannot separate the two. God permeates all.

 Mukti is impossible for those addicted to lust.

 Gain and loss, birth and death are in the hands of God.

 When you see with your inner eye. Then you realize that you are God and not different from Him.

 Avoid unnecessary disputation

 The giver gives, but really he is sowing the seed for later: the gift of a rich harvest.

 Wealth is really a means to work out dharma. If one uses it merely for personal enjoyment, it is vainly spent.

 To God be the praise. I am only the slave of God.

 God will show His love. He is kind to all.

 Whenever you undertake  to do something, do it thoroughly or not at all.

 One’s sin will not cease till one falls at the feet of Sadhus

 Be ashamed of your hatred. Give up hatred and be quiet.

 The Moral Law is    inexorable, so follow it, observe it, and you will reach your goal: God is the  perfection of the Moral Law.

 I am your servants’ servant.

 Always think of God and you will see what He does.

 Have faith and patience. Then I will be always with you wherever you are.

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[saiorgseo]

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100 Sayings of Shirdi Sai Baba

 Why fear when I am here?

 I am formless and everywhere

 I am in everything and beyond. I fill all space

 All that you see taken together is Myself.

 I do not shake or move

 If one devotes his   shirdi tour package from bangalore  entire time to me and rests in me, he need fear nothing for body and soul.

 If one sees me and me alone and listens to my Leelas and is devoted to me alone, he will reach God

 My business is to give blessings

 I get angry with none. Will a mother get angry with her children? Will the ocean send back the    waters to the several rivers?

 I will take you to the end.

 Surrender completely to God

 If you make me the sole object of your thoughts and aims, you will gain the supreme goal.

 Trust in the Guru fully. That is the only sadhana

 I am the slave of my devotee

 Stay by me and keep quiet. I will do the rest.

 What is our duty? To behave properly. That is enough

 My eye is ever on those who love me

 Whatever you do, wherever you may be, always bear this in mind: I am always aware of everything you do.

 I will not allow my devotees to come to harm

 If a devotee is about to fall, I stretch out my hands to support him or her.

 I think of my people day and night. I say their names over and over.

 My treasury is open but no  one brings carts to take from it. I say, “Dig!” but no one bothers.

 My people do not come to me of their own accord; it is I who seek and bring them to me.

 All that is seen is my form: ant, fly, prince, and pauper

 However distant my people may be, I draw them to me just as we pull a bird to us with a string tied to its foot

 I love devotion.

 This body is just my house. My guru has long ago taken me away from it

 Those who think that Baba is only in Shirdi have totally failed to know me

 Without my grace, not even a leaf can move

 I look on all with an equal eye

 I cannot do anything without God’s permission

 God has agents everywhere and their powers are vast

 I have to take care of my children day and night and give an account to God of every paisa

 The wise are cheerful and content with their lot in life

 If you are wealthy, be humble. Plants bend when they bear fruit.

 Spend money in charity; be generous and munificent but not extravagant

 Get on with your worldly activities cheerfully, but do not forget God

 Do not kick against the pricks of life

 Whatever creature comes to you, human or otherwise, treat it with consideration

 Do not be obsessed by the importance of wealth

 See the divine in the human being

 Do not bark at people and don’t be aggressive, but put up with others’ complaints

 There is a wall of separation between oneself and others and between you and me. Destroy this wall!

 Give food to the hungry, water to the thirsty, and clothes to the naked. Then God will be pleased

 Saburi (patience) ferries you    across to the distant goal

 The four sadhanas and the six Sastras are not necessary. Just has complete trust in your guru: it is enough

 Meditate on me either with form or without form, that is pure bliss

 God is not so far away. He is not in the heavens above, nor in hell below. He is always near you

 If anyone gets  angry with another, they wound me to the quick

 If you cannot endure  shirdi tour package from bangalore  abuse from another, just say a simple word or two, or else leave.

 What do we lose by another’s good fortune? Let us celebrate with them, or strive to emulate them.

That should be our desire and determination.

 I stay by the side of whoever repeats my name

 If formless meditation is difficult, then think of my form just as you see it here. With such meditation, the difference between subject and object is lost and the mind dissolves in unity.

 If anyone offends you do not return tit for tat.

 I am the slave of those who hunger and thirst after me and treat everything else as unimportant.

 Whoever makes me the sole object of their love, merges in me like a river in the ocean.

 Look to me and I will look to you.

 What God gives is never exhausted, what man gives never lasts

 Be contented and cheerful with what comes.

 My devotees see everything as their Guru.

 Poverty is the highest of riches and a thousand times superior to a king’s wealth.

 Put full faith in God’s providence.

 Whoever withdraws their heart from wife, child, and parents and loves me, is my real lover.

 Distinguish right from wrong and be honest, upright and virtuous.

 Do not be obsessed by egotism, imagining that you are the cause of action: everything is due to God.

 If we see all actions as God’s doing, we will be unattached and free from karmic bondage

 Other people’s acts will affect just them. It is only your own deeds that will affect you.

 Do not be idle: work, utter God’s nam  and read the scriptures.

 If you avoid rivalry and dispute, God will protect you.

 People abuse their own friends and family, but it is only after performing many meritorious acts that one gets a human birth. Why then come to Shirdi and slander people?

 Speak the truth and truth alone.

 No one wants to take from me what I give abundantly

 Do not fight with anyone, nor retaliate, nor slander anyone.

 Harsh words cannot pierce your body. If anybody speaks ill of you, just continue on unperturbed

 Choose friends  who will stick  to you till the end, through thick and thin.

 Meditate on what you read and think of God.

 I give my devotees whatever they ask, until they ask for what I want to give.

 You should not stay for even one second at a place where people are speaking disrespectfully of a saint.

 If you do not want to part with what you have, do not lie and claim that you have nothing, but decline politely saying that circumstances or your own desires prevent you.

 Let us be humble

 Satsang that is associating with the good is good. Dussaya, or associating with evil-minded people,

is evil and must be avoided.

 What you sow, you reap. What you give, you get.

 Recognize the existence of the Moral Law as governing results. Then unswervingly follow this Law.

 All gods are one. There is no difference between a Hindu and a Muslim. Mosque and temple are the same.

 Fulfill any promises you have made.

 Death and life are the manifestations of God’s activity. You cannot separate the two. God permeates all.

 Mukti is impossible for those addicted to lust.

 Gain and loss, birth and death are in the hands of God.

 When you see with your inner eye. Then you realize that you are God and not different from Him.

 Avoid unnecessary disputation

 The giver gives, but really he is sowing the seed for later: the gift of a rich harvest.

 Wealth is really a means to work out dharma. If one uses it merely for personal enjoyment, it is vainly spent.

 To God be the praise. I am only the slave of God.

 God will show His love. He is kind to all.

 Whenever you undertake  to do something, do it thoroughly or not at all.

 One’s sin will not cease till one falls at the feet of Sadhus

 Be ashamed of your hatred. Give up hatred and be quiet.

 The Moral Law is    inexorable, so follow it, observe it, and you will reach your goal: God is the perfection of the Moral Law.

 I am your servants’ servant.

 Always think of God and you will see what He does.

 Have faith and patience. Then I will be always with you wherever you are.

 shirdi tour package from bangalore

[saiorgseo]

Chennai to shirdi flight packages

100 Sayings of Shirdi Sai Baba

 Why fear when I am here?

 I am formless and everywhere

 I am in everything and beyond. I fill all space

 All that you see taken together is Myself.

 I do not shake or move

 If one devotes his    entire time to me and rests in me, he need fear nothing for body and soul.

 If one sees me and me alone and listens to my Leelas and is devoted to me alone, he will reach God

 My business is   chennai to shirdi flight packages  to give blessings

 I get angry with none. Will a mother get angry with her children? Will the ocean send back the    waters to the several rivers?

 I will take you to the end.

 Surrender completely to God

 If you make me the sole object of your thoughts and aims, you will gain the supreme goal.

 Trust in the Guru fully. That is the only sadhana

 I am the slave of my devotee

 Stay by me and keep quiet. I will do the rest.

 What is our duty? To behave properly. That is enough

 My eye is ever on those who love me

 Whatever you do, wherever you may be, always bear this in mind: I am always aware of everything you do.

 I will not allow my devotees to come to harm

 If a devotee is about to fall, I stretch out my hands to support him or her.

 I think of my people day and night. I say their names over and over.

 My treasury is open but no  one brings carts to take from it. I say, “Dig!” but no one bothers.

 My people do not come to me of their own accord; it is I who seek and bring them to me.

 All that is seen is my form: ant, fly, prince, and pauper

 However distant my people may be, I draw them to me just as we pull a bird to us with a string tied to its foot

 I love devotion.

 This body is just my house. My guru has long ago taken me away from it

 Those who think that Baba is only in Shirdi have totally failed to know me

 Without my grace, not even a leaf can move

 I look on all with an equal eye

 I cannot do anything without God’s permission

 God has agents everywhere and their powers are vast

 I have to take care of my children day and night and give an account to God of every paisa

 The wise are cheerful and content with their lot in life

 If you are wealthy, be humble. Plants bend when they bear fruit.

 Spend money in charity; be generous and munificent but not extravagant

 Get on with your worldly activities cheerfully, but do not forget God

 Do not kick against the pricks of life

 Whatever creature comes to you, human or otherwise, treat it with consideration

 Do not be obsessed by the importance of wealth

 See the divine in the human being

 Do not bark at people and don’t be aggressive, but put up with others’ complaints

 There is a wall of separation between oneself and others and between you and me. Destroy this wall!

 Give food to the hungry, water to the thirsty, and clothes to the naked. Then God will be pleased

 Saburi (patience) ferries you    across to the distant goal

 The four sadhanas and the six Sastras are not necessary. Just has complete trust in your guru: it is enough

 Meditate on me either with form or without form, that is pure bliss

 God is not so far away. He is not in the heavens above, nor in hell below. He is always near you

 If anyone gets  angry with another, they wound me to the quick

 If you cannot endure abuse from another, just say a simple word or two, or else leave.

 What do we lose by another’s good fortune? Let us celebrate with them, or strive to emulate them.

That should be our desire and determination.

 I stay by the side of whoever repeats my name

 If formless meditation is difficult, then think of my form just as you see it here. With such meditation, the difference between subject and object is lost and the mind dissolves in unity.

 If anyone offends you do not return tit for tat.

 I am the slave of those who  chennai to shirdi flight packages   hunger and thirst after me and treat everything else as unimportant.

 Whoever makes me the sole object of their love, merges in me like a river in the ocean.

 Look to me and I will look to you.

 What God gives is never exhausted, what man gives never lasts

 Be contented and cheerful with what comes.

 My devotees see everything as their Guru.

 Poverty is the highest of riches and a thousand times superior to a king’s wealth.

 Put full faith in God’s providence.

 Whoever withdraws their heart from wife, child, and parents and loves me, is my real lover.

 Distinguish right from wrong and be honest, upright and virtuous.

 Do not be obsessed by egotism, imagining that you are the cause of action: everything is due to God.

 If we see all actions as God’s doing, we will be unattached and free from karmic bondage

 Other people’s acts will affect just them. It is only your own deeds that will affect you.

 Do not be idle: work, utter God’s nam  and read the scriptures.

 If you avoid rivalry and dispute, God will protect you.

 People abuse their own friends and family, but it is only after performing many meritorious acts that one gets a human birth. Why then come to Shirdi and slander people?

 Speak the truth and truth alone.

 No one wants to take from me what I give abundantly

 Do not fight with anyone, nor retaliate, nor slander anyone.

 Harsh words cannot pierce your body. If anybody speaks ill of you, just continue on unperturbed

 Choose friends  who will stick  to you till the end, through thick and thin.

 Meditate on what you read and think of God.

 I give my devotees whatever they ask, until they ask for what I want to give.

 You should not stay for even   chennai to shirdi flight packages   one second at a place where people are speaking disrespectfully of a saint.

 If you do not want to part with what you have, do not lie and claim that you have nothing, but decline politely saying that circumstances or your own desires prevent you.

 Let us be humble

 Satsang that is associating with the good is good. Dussaya, or associating with evil-minded people,

is evil and must be avoided.

 What you sow, you reap. What you give, you get.

 Recognize the existence of the Moral Law as governing results. Then unswervingly follow this Law.

 All gods are one. There is no difference between a Hindu and a Muslim. Mosque and temple are the same.

 Fulfill any promises you have made.

 Death and life are the manifestations of God’s activity. You cannot separate the two. God permeates all.

 Mukti is impossible for those addicted to lust.

 Gain and loss, birth and death are in the hands of God.

 When you see with your inner eye. Then you realize that you are God and not different from Him.

 Avoid unnecessary disputation

 The giver gives, but really he is sowing the seed for later: the gift of a rich harvest.

 Wealth is really a means to work out dharma. If one uses it merely for personal enjoyment, it is vainly spent.

 To God be the praise. I am only the slave of God.

 God will show His love. He is kind to all.

 Whenever you undertake  to do something, do it thoroughly or not at all.

 One’s sin will not cease till one falls at the feet of Sadhus

 Be ashamed of your hatred. Give up hatred and be quiet.

 The Moral Law is    inexorable, so follow it, observe it, and you will reach your goal: God is the  perfection of the Moral Law.

 I am your servants’ servant.

 Always think of God and you will see what He does.

 Have faith and patience. Then I will be always with you wherever you are.

chennai to shirdi flight packages

[saiorgseo]

chennai to shirdi flight package

100 Sayings of Shirdi Sai Baba

Why fear when I am here?

I am formless and everywhere

I am in everything and beyond. I fill all space

All that you see taken together is Myself.

I do not shake or move

If one devotes his entire time to me and rests in me, he need fear nothing for body and soul.

If one sees me and me alone and listens to my Leelas and is devoted to me alone, he will reach God

My business is to give blessings

I get angry with none. Will a mother get angry with her children? Will the ocean send back the  chennai to shirdi flight package  waters to the several rivers?

I will take you to the end.

Surrender completely to God

If you make me the sole object of your thoughts and aims, you will gain the supreme goal.

Trust in the Guru fully. That is the only sadhana

I am the slave of my devotee

Stay by me and keep quiet. I will do the rest.

What is our duty? To behave properly. That is enough

My eye is ever on those who love me

Whatever you do, wherever you may be, always bear this in mind: I am always aware of everything you do.

I will not allow my devotees to come to harm

If a devotee is about to fall, I stretch out my hands to support him or her.

I think of my people day and night. I say their names over and over.

My treasury is open but no one brings carts to take from it. I say, “Dig!” but no one bothers.

My people do not come to me of their own accord; it is I who seek and bring them to me.

All that is seen is my form: ant, fly, prince, and pauper

However distant my people may be, I draw them to me just as we pull a bird to us with a string tied to its foot

I love devotion.

This body is just my house. My guru has long ago taken me away from it

Those who think that Baba is only in Shirdi have totally failed to know me

Without my grace, not even a leaf can move

I look on all with an equal eye

I cannot do anything without God’s permission

God has agents everywhere and their powers are vast

I have to take care of my children day and night and give an account to God of every paisa

The wise are cheerful and content with their lot in life

If you are wealthy, be humble. Plants bend when they bear fruit.

Spend money in charity; be generous and munificent but not extravagant

Get on with your worldly activities cheerfully, but do not forget God

Do not kick against the pricks of life

Whatever creature comes to you, human or otherwise, treat it with consideration

Do not be obsessed by the importance of wealth

See the divine in the human being

Do not bark at people and don’t be aggressive, but put up with others’ complaints

There is a wall of separation between oneself and others and between you and me. Destroy this wall!

Give food to the hungry, water to the thirsty, and clothes to the naked. Then God will be pleased

Saburi (patience) ferries you  chennai to shirdi flight package  across to the distant goal

The four sadhanas and the six Sastras are not necessary. Just has complete trust in your guru: it is enough

Meditate on me either with form or without form, that is pure bliss

God is not so far away. He is not in the heavens above, nor in hell below. He is always near you

If anyone gets angry with another, they wound me to the quick

If you cannot endure abuse from another, just say a simple word or two, or else leave.

What do we lose by another’s good fortune? Let us celebrate with them, or strive to emulate them.

That should be our desire and determination.

I stay by the side of whoever repeats my name

If formless meditation is difficult, then think of my form just as you see it here. With such meditation, the difference between subject and object is lost and the mind dissolves in unity.

If anyone offends you do not return tit for tat.

I am the slave of those who hunger and thirst after me and treat everything else as unimportant.

Whoever makes me the sole object of their love, merges in me like a river in the ocean.

Look to me and I will look to you.

What God gives is never exhausted, what man gives never lasts

Be contented and cheerful with what comes.

My devotees see everything as their Guru.

Poverty is the highest of riches and a thousand times superior to a king’s wealth.

Put full faith in God’s providence.

Whoever withdraws their heart from wife, child, and parents and loves me, is my real lover.

Distinguish right from wrong and be honest, upright and virtuous.

Do not be obsessed by egotism, imagining that you are the cause of action: everything is due to God.

If we see all actions as God’s doing, we will be unattached and free from karmic bondage

Other people’s acts will affect just them. It is only your own deeds that will affect you.

Do not be idle: work, utter God’s name and read the scriptures.

If you avoid rivalry and dispute, God will protect you.

People abuse their own friends and family, but it is only after performing many meritorious acts that one gets a human birth. Why then come to Shirdi and slander people?

Speak the truth and truth alone.

No one wants to take from me what I give abundantly

Do not fight with anyone, nor retaliate, nor slander anyone.

Harsh words cannot pierce your body. If anybody speaks ill of you, just continue on unperturbed

Choose friends who will stick  to you till the end, through thick and thin.

Meditate on what you read and think of God.

I give my devotees whatever they ask, until they ask for what I want to give.

You should not stay for even one second at a place where people are speaking disrespectfully of a saint.

If you do not want to part with what you have, do not lie and claim that you have nothing, but decline politely saying that circumstances or your own desires prevent you.

Let us be humble

Satsang that is associating with the good is good. Dussaya, or associating with evil-minded people,

is evil and must be avoided.

What you sow, you reap. What you give, you get.

Recognize the existence of the Moral Law as governing results. Then unswervingly follow this Law.

All gods are one. There is no difference between a Hindu and a Muslim. Mosque and temple are the same.

Fulfill any promises you have made.

Death and life are the manifestations of God’s activity. You cannot separate the two. God permeates all.

Mukti is impossible for those addicted to lust.

Gain and loss, birth and death are in the hands of God.

When you see with your inner eye. Then you realize that you are God and not different from Him.

Avoid unnecessary disputation

The giver gives, but really he is sowing the seed for later: the gift of a rich harvest.

Wealth is really a means to work out dharma. If one uses it merely for personal enjoyment, it is vainly spent.

To God be the praise. I am only the slave of God.

God will show His love. He is kind to all.

Whenever you undertake to do something, do it thoroughly or not at all.

One’s sin will not cease till one falls at the feet of Sadhus

Be ashamed of your hatred. Give up hatred and be quiet.

The Moral Law is  chennai to shirdi flight package  inexorable, so follow it, observe it, and you will reach your goal: God is the  perfection of the Moral Law.

I am your servants’ servant.

Always think of God and you will see what He does.

Have faith and patience. Then I will be always with you wherever you are.

chennai to shirdi flight package