#whatever im logging off i am going to go read. some nice books or something i dont know...

[locallibrarylover]

literally WHY is this grown man out to get me i am simply a teenage (guy) girl......

[neverland93]

Peter Pan imagine / Disturbia

Neverland… when you think of Neverland, you think of mermaids, Indians, pirates, lost boys, tropical creatures. No , that’s not what Neverland is at all.

Pirates are thieves, they will creep in the night and steal you.

The mermaids, they’re sirens , and they’ll creep inside you and consume you.

The Indians can put a disease in your mind and control you.

Too close to comfort? Yeah I know.

You arrived on neverland, soaking wet, you washed up on the beach not knowing what to expect

You arrived thinking it was rainbows and butterflies, you heard Peter Pan and his lost boys were mischievous but you didn’t know they were like this.

You were walking around and taking everything in , it was beautiful but you were worried about meeting everyone, you didn’t know what to expect but you hoped for the best,

Suddenly it became sunset in no time and you panic trying to get to the campground. Walking and trying to look for any sign you couldn’t find any. You were losing hope til then you saw fire . Finally you were about to be safe.

You walk up to the campground and see boys and girls, you thought Neverland was boys only? Apparently not.

They were dancing near the campfire, some had masks on their faces, some were holding swords and weapons, and some were even drinking what looked like whiskey straight from the bottle.

Geez you thought, they sure aren’t angels.

You walk up and nobody notices you, they continue to dance, drink and talk amongst themselves, until a younger lost boy pulls on your shirt

“What are you doing here?” He says in a nosy tone

“Hi! I���m Y/n and I wanted to join Neverland.” You say happily

That’s when everyone stops , the music, the laughter, and drinking.

“And what makes you think you’re even capable of joining Neverland?” A boy wearing all green comes out of the darkness, he had brown/chestnut hair and green eyes, he looked like trouble but that’s fine, you didn’t mind trouble.

“I heard about you, and well, I thought i fit the category.” You said

Everyone laughed

They all circled you and danced around you and verbally harassed you, calling you names and saying you weren’t fit for Neverland.

You start to regret your choice and decision of coming to Neverland , crouching down and putting your head on your knees and covering your ears trying to block everything out.

“Stop!” The boy with green eyes said

You look up and take your hands off your eyes, what was going to happen next?

You look at him and wait for whatever was in store

“What do you think Neverland is?” He asked

“Well I assume that it’s where lost boys and lost girls go, who are abandoned by their families.” You said unconfidently

“Wrong.” He said

“I beg your pardon?” You say a little scary

“Im Peter Pan. King of this island. And this , this is Neverland.” He said with a smirk

“Wha-what are you going to do to me?” You get a little nervous

“Nothing, yet, everyone, continue with your activities.” He said and everyone does

He grabs your hand and brings you in the campground even more , sitting you on a log as he still stands up

“Is this what you wanted ? To feel apart of something? To be loved and wanted?” He asked

“Well, yes.” You said simply

“You’re reading the wrong books, you’re in the cities of wonders, we ain’t gonna play nice, watch out, you might just go under, Better think twice. Your train of thought will be altered. So if you must falter be wise.” He says with a smile close to the fire

“Peter you’re gonna burn yourself watch out!” You say as he almost falls in the fire he saw how scared you were so he got amused

He then gets a sword from a lost boy and puts it in the fire waiting for it to turn red as it does he swings it next to you almost touching you with it, you’re scared and frightened, screaming for your life as everyone laughs and thinks it’s a joke and having fun, while you are having a horrible time.

Peter drops the sword and gets close to your face

“Am I scaring you tonight?” He says he says with a evil smirk

All you could do was just stare at him

“Ain’t used to what you like?” He asked again

You shake your head no.

“Welcome, to Disturbia, also known as, Neverland.” He says as everyone cheers and takes their cups and chugs their drink.

What’s next in store for you? You’ll have to find out.

[marvellfashion]

are you poc? i guess i don't care since i don't really expect you to answer this ask. here it goes. i'm a poc in fandoms... no. i'm a poc who has read books and comics, and watched tv shows and movies, and has consumed and engaged with fan content for the past 10 years of my life. if you want to tell me to "log off and go outside" i'd like to remind y'all that saying that can be funny in your (and many others) heads but i'd like to remind you of the existance of people like me who spent 10 years inside of their houses for reasons that we don't have to explain to you! and it hurts! sometimes all we have is the things that we have inside. and i wanted to ask you: how do you do it? how do you enjoy comics? or movies? is there any such a thing as critical consumption? i'm not sure if i believe it anymore... my eyes are open to the racism backstage, racism onscreen, how black and non-white characters are treated, misogynoir, sexism, whitewashing, straightwashing, pentagon/us military propaganda, the list is endless. fate the winx saga didn't do anything that we haven't see on the mcu or any other piece of media. and i can't unsee it and i can't unlearn it. (i don't want to.) the white man (he is an adult) who plays the white boy in ms marvel is a trump supporter and now everytime i see his face i feel ranço (a word that's too powerful to have an english translation.) i know he will be woobifiyed. maybe i should be better at separating the actor from the character. maybe i am good at this... and it's actually the guys that who move heavens for a white guy bc he played a character in their favorite disney property. twitter stan fandom power interference or whatever is called is... something that shouldn't be ignored anymore. everywhere i see it. every tv show and movie it's the same shit again. maybe i could find solace in comics but my favourite characters are going through superhell for the past 15 years and i can't find solace anywhere in this fucking website or twitter or the source material. there were no excitement in my life since my childhood ended and the stuff that i used to love now doesn't give me joy and the fandom is either too "i see/hear no evil" and its usually the part where i get the racism and fujoushi weirdos or too "i hate tony stark and i hate and i hate and i hate..." and this side of fandom i thought it would be more open to my endless frustration but now i see myself and there's no excitement in my life and there's no joy and... i'm tired of it. i'm tired of how fandom and media have treated black and non-white people... and i'm tired. how do you do it? how do you enjoy media knowing you're supporting the us military (and know that they're doing bad things to people)? how do you enjoy media knowing that the black witch girl (who is the closest i'll ever get) who is even at some point more popular than the ambiguous white passing character wont get 4 mediocre seasons at netflix even tho she was a better character than kiernans sabrina for more than 7 seasons? i think the trailers were dope... but now that i know things and i spot these things idk what to do. im going through a bad moment that lasted 10 years and my "Confort character" is an awful character bc its whitewashed and the fandom is 100% fragmented and weird compared to the fandoms of other characters. goodbye. i hope u have a nice day/night. i wrote another ask that was better written but i accidently erssed so... sorry

 I wish I could give you an answer that was comforting, but I don’t have it. First I want to tell you that everything that you’ve expressed in this ask is absolutely valid and you are rightfully frustrated.  

The truth is that I think most of us when we open a Marvel comic or watch a Marvel movie ( if it’s through piracy or not) we do it being aware of how problematic they are. there’s no other way around it. I know this answer probably doesn’t answer anything or calm any of your frustrations but it’s an honest one.

 I hope that at least this blog can be a place that can bring you at least one milligram of joy about the fandom in Marvel. and if you want to scream and shout in my ask about how you feel, you can and are absolutely welcome to do all that! 

 I wish you a nice day and night too. 

[murcuryretro]

3:09 a.m (est) 7-8-20

So JUST now, I was watching a T.V show called “Toys that made us” which actually inspired me to never stop dreaming. Althought the sales of toys have dramaticllly declined,the passion and creativity behind these toys is what makes them LEGENDARY. There are toys that will be forever KNOWN. Imagine creating something that never dies , making history as well. Amazing, truly inspiring. Now with that being said, decided to write down some of my thoughts before going to bed. Before logging in, the wifi randomly had cut off, cutting off the show I had been watching, and decided it was a sign to get on the laptop instead. I get on it, but to my “surprise” NO WIFI. I then ask my bf whos been sitting on the couch playing with his new switch for a few hours, pretty much since I got home from work Ive seen him sitting there and still is, IF he can please check the router. Anything the requires some brain power , is too much for him!!! I over loooked it for so many years, now its starting to bite me in the ass. He then gets up to check the wires, and ask if I had pay. I said no but its not due yet. Also even if it was overdue they dont CUT everything off until way after. ANYWHO, I use my hotspot so that I can check, and its not due until the 15th, SO AGAIN, i ask him to check the wires, because there were clear instructions on the screen about what might be wrong and it wasnt the WIFI it was the router itself. So we had internet , just wasn’t properly transmitted. So after asking him to check the router, he quickly starts complaining about the mess the last cable guy made, complaining how he cant turn it on and, giving me an attitude and a tone because he just can’t, doing the bare min, literally TOUCHED 1 wire and gave up, saying he feels better if someone else disconnects the wire to check, as he goes back on the couch, THEN complains how we HAVE To call them and give them a piece of our mind since we are paying customers. Funny thing is , when we says “we”, he means ME. He would never actually get on the phone and explain to a company his fustrations. It would be me, while hes most likely sitting on the couch playing video games or REALLY mad sitting on the couch not playing video games, because of the wifi. What bothers me most is the lack of responsiblity he takes on. Also like he wants to avoid all grown men responsiblities, its become the biggest turn-off and been thinking of ways to have real conversation with him without him getting butt hurt because he is very sensitive, also he plays victim and I cant let him do that. He is not a victim at all , in anyway, but the second i confront him about something he is trying to avoid, he plays victim. Im so tired of being the one that has to constantly asses every situation were ever in. Hes the man for goodness sake. In reality he’s a beta and I’m in alpha. which makes this kinda hard. Previous relationship , we were both alphas and as much as we did bump heads, we also agreed on a lot and learned things together as the are new to us. Other times, we both take the lead in situations and it was like working with 2 heads rather than 1. Now it feels like just 1 head with 2 people. And like they always say, 2 heads are BETTER than 1. I just feel so lost, because I’m so use to have a Man that can handle business without me, who uses their OWN judgement, I don’t even want to talk down on him, but as time goes on and were not doing anything for ourselves,I start to feel this hole, void, in my heart, something is missing, something is wrong. Why is he such a good person with a great heart but lacks what makes a person resilent. For years he has lied to everyone about having his license. Why ? Im not sure, not that I lived with him for a over a year, I know why, hes scared of real life responsiblities that he would have to handle himself because no one else will. No health insurance, even tho its free now in days, because thats just another responiblity he does not want or care to have, Even for his own health. UNLESS I push him, which I have brought up so many times, but I can not do it for him.Then his license, I have asked him to get it and he said okay, never did, asked him again, said he will do it, does it and forgets the date, then he says he will make a new date, havent heard anything about. I dont know how much more I need to annoy him about ?! Since I’ve met him  Im the ONLY driver, driving us everywhere. Any place, its me. Since 2016, its 2020. Not sure whats stopping him, He also brags a lot about the money he makes and he saves it, buys some toys for himself, and takes me out on dinner dates. Which I apprecaite so much of course, but I wish he would do more for himself. Hes just so scared of life I believe, I could be wrong, but thats all he seems to prove since Ive met him! Very sensitive and he likes attention. NEVER noticed that until a FEW people brought that up and I do see that very clearly now. Its hard to have a partner who only values what he says and disregard me. I can let him talk and I go along with it, he on the other hand, cant wait for me to stop talking and he never gives any kinda feedback because he wasnt really listening. Im getting pretty tired of it. Im starting to think I may have made the wrong decision. Whenever something is wrong its like I need to be the leader of the problem and fix it myself, and I think he thinks I like the idea of being the head bitch in charge but in reality its exhausting and just one sided. I have never seen him actually take control of a critical situation without my help. I always end up being the one to finalize everything, as if he HAS to go thru me. Which I do appreciate but it just also feels like he does it to hand me down the rest of the solution. Like NO! Once in a while would be nice if he did things that turn out fine, all alone. NEVER happens. I know of everything and mostly fix it myself.Even THINGS, Hes not hands on so things that would need a quick fix, something my dad would fix easily, john would have a total meltdown and give up fast as fuck. I thought having a person this gentel would be good for my soul but I think its the opposite. Since the day that we rekindle our friendship 2 years ago,I started using hard drugs, LITERALLY the day after we hung out at a show we were both at. I havent been okay since dec 2018 and i though dating him would make me feel better and help fix that void in me, so far, nothing.... I can see I’m stringing this relationship along and Im not sure if I should continue.I have very high hopes with living an amazing life with him, I always saw it in him , that WE would be perfect for each other. I think I based a book by its cover and the first two pages and ran with it. Without reading the whole book, and its not turning out so much as what I thought we would be. He quickly became like a grandpa once we started to date, and then telling me he didnt like when i went out, it was just so shocking considering that we , him, I and all my friends would go all the time, he loved he things I loved to do too, so wtf ?! He almost changed into a person I didnt want to date, the second we started to date. So confusing and almost decieved. Almost he faked how chill he was to get closer to me, It wasnt until a year ish later that I realized , I have been seeing only 1 side of him, the side he wanted me to see, and I loved it, and then the real him I didnt Know and frankly Im not sure if I really like. He loves me so fucking much, but I dont feel fulfilled. Something feels very off, I am missing something and I truly dont know what it is. I hope that we can help each other grow whether alone or together, I just want to know what I wanna do with my life and I need more motivation than what Im getting right now. I feel like im slowing my life down and going no where. I dont like it and I dont want this going on any longer.I NEED to find my way!!!! I hope hes there either as my bf or my friend and we work things out. wish me luck in whatever  I choose to do. THNXX  

[insphoeration]

Write Me A Love Story ~ Part 3

Fandom: IGOT7// AGHASE

Pairing: Im Jaebum X Fem!reader

Summary: College AU! JB is the most popular guy on campus who has a passion for writing, JB and the reader write to each other anonymously. Kind of sort of based loosely around Love 020 on netflix (got watch it, it will change your life!!)

Thanks to Nayeon, you knew what Def’s message was without having to log on. You knew you would only be greeted by a flood of messages, but there was one in particular you wanted to avoid. 

Def had asked you where you were, which means he had been trying to contact you. The school forum was a mess of people trying to find out about Sparrow, you’re not sure what scared you but you were. 

Def, I also don’t know what to do. I feel like this bubble we’ve made has been shattered. Writing to you was how I escaped the heavy air, but alas, the seal has been broken and the heaviness follows me here. You’re right. I am struggling and I am scared, but I haven’t gone anywhere. Baby Bird. 

You and Defsoul had hundreds of new followers, almost every single one of your posts had someone in the comments deciphering your words and your inbox was flooded, mostly messages about Def. And one from Def. 

“Are you okay?” Simple but effective. It was nice to know they were worried about you but you also didn’t really know how to answer that. A thousand thoughts raced through your brain. 

On the other side of campus, Jaebum read your post. His hands flew across the keyboard writing and deleting message after message. 

Sparrow, this doesn’t have to change anything. I like writing. It’s up to you but I’m just going to ignore everyone else. Like I said, ‘you and me against the world.’ Whatever you decide, yours, Def. 

He was worried about you, he hasn't seen you at the library all week, which could have been a coincidence but he knew it wasn’t. It also frustrated him because he started writing to you to to vent about the pressure of being Im Jaebum, but now, everyone was watching his move all over again, only it was on a much larger scale. 

Jaebum thought people would forget about Defsoul and Baby Bird within the week but someone posted the messaged on twitter and it blew up. People from all over the world were putting in their two cents, he admits, the correspondence with Baby bird was sweet but was it really worth all this attention?

“Y/N!” Your roommate called from the balcony, you got up to see what the fuss was about and she pointed to someone on the walkway. Im Jaebum was walking with his sports bag in hand, probably on his way to practice. You and your roommate sighed, he was so handsome. 

“How is it possible that he’s hot even when he’s just walking?” She mumbled, you giggled at her but stopped short when you saw someone approach him. You and your roommate held your breath. 

“How brave.” She whispered. 

The girl attempted to talk to Jaebum but he brushed her off, walking right past her as if he had never even seen her in the first place. Your heart broke for her. 

“Poor girl.” You mumbled. Your roommate was right, she had a lot of guts, and to be rejected outright like that must have sucked. You also felt for her because you too had a small crush on Jaebum and couldn’t imagine what you would to if he rejected you so publicly. Come to think of it, you haven’t seen Jaebum socialise with people outside of the guys in his dorm.  

When you logged on to the school forum, it was the same as the past few days. Your page was clogged up and so were your messages. You sighed, you’d hoped the fanatics would have died down by now but seemingly not. Most of the posts on your page were waiting for you to reply to Def’s last post, but now that the pressure was on, your mind was blank. Anything you wrote would be criticised by random people who knew nothing about you or Defsoul. 

You opened your personal inbox, smiling at the trivial messages you and def had sent each other, you sighed wondering when everything had become so complicated. 

Def, The days are clear and yet my mind is still cloudy. I’m stuck in a cycle of self deprecation and yet I always come back to wanting to talk it out with you. I’m sorry about my sudden disappearance for I had both nothing to write but everything to say. Baby Bird   

You exhaled deeply, it was done. Now you wouldn’t be burdened by the thought of Def being angry but instead by thought of awaiting his reply. Still, you preferred the latter, at least now you could put some of your focus to other things. You started by checking your email, not expecting anything other than Netflix recommending new series. But there was an email from Otter Books, the publishing company. They were interested in your story and your writing and hoped you would be interested in turning your story with Def into a book. 

You could feel time slow around you, as you re-read the message over and over again. Your heart beat so hard you could feel it in your throat. Your first instinct was to say yes but then there was the matter of the story not being completely yours, it also belonged to Def. On top of all of that, your story with Def was still going on, how could you write an ending for something that was still unfolding. You went back to the forum to inform Def but it appears he beat you to it. 

Sparrow, Every time I feel like the world is closing in around me, the thing that reminds me to breath is the notification of your message, not your words but simply the fact you took the time to write them. This always reminds me there are good people out there. You don’t have to write a sonnet, anything you write brings me a sense of peace. Def. P.S. I received a letter from a publishing company today, I’m sure you did too, I don’t think this can be discussed through letters. Let’s meet.

[thedappleddragon]

last night I dreamed that I was an archeologist tortoise and I was looking at dozens of “human” skeletons in Buckingham palace that was also my backyard. the skeletons all looked like combo human and turtle because the whole torso looked basically like the first google image result for sea turtle skeleton. then my sister woke me up, giving me a comforter and telling me my mom need help with some things.  cleaned up around the living room and did some laundry and boiled some eggs and made meatloaf and swept the floor. the meatloaf turned out surprisingly good, idk what I did differently. I evemtually went back to my room and tried to remember what I wanted to do today. last night as I was falling asleep I told myself that I was gonna clear off my desk so I could finally use it, so I moved some stuff around and set up my laptop. I havent been able to sit at a real actual desk in SO LONG and its SO NICE to have just like a space where I can sit down and work and have a chair that will support my back instead of sitting cross legged on my bed or laying down while doing stuff on my laptop. it almost makes me feel productive even I'm just playing the sims. I feel especially cool when im just typing out whatever bullshit because it makes me feel like im at an office job typing up ~important documents~ :) idk man I think quarantine has changed me lmao. if im getting this many emotions from just being able to sit down at a desk and do ANYTHING idk how im gonna handle collage. I keep calling whetever im doing (playing the sims, scrolling through Tumblr, typing up this summary of the day) work because it just. feels nice sitting at a desk and typing. even if it’s dumb bullshit!! idk how to describe it I just feel amazing. it makes me feel like im writing a paper with all the horrible parts like research and thinking. the sound of typing on my MacBook makes me feel like im in school again, but without the horrible stressful parts. idk mn I know I've been going on about this desk and stuff for too long and im gonna hate it if I eventually read back through these daily logs but I just feel so nice. ill change topics anyway. I hung up my calendar again! I literally didn't have any open wall space aside from maybe the wall behind my bed but why the hell would I put a calendar where I can't see it. instead its kind of hanging above my closet. I pinned it to the wooden board in the “doorway” (idk what other word to use) where there would normally be sliding doors that open and shut if they hadn't been taken off YEARS ago. I also played a lot of the sims 4, juggling aspirations for 5 sims. I quit because I got frustrated that all my sims are dumb and the ai Is buggy and doesn't let me do what I want them to do. I also plopped in a house on my family’s old lot and spent some time adjusting the colors and the trees and adding those paper craft cieling things that can either have stars or leaves or snowflakes that came in the free winter holiday stuff pack and holy shit as soon as I found those I think they became my new favorite decoration item. I threw them everywhere but eventually took down most of them, leaving some leaf ones in the bedroom. I was gonna move in a family of a bunch of young adults and children to help with the first kid’s serial romantic aspiration and one of the twin’s social butterfly aspiration, but I ended up not doing that in favor of just decorating more and playing with the family some more. one thing I realized while playing is that there are fucking MICE in my CIELING. well not really in the cieling, in the attic, but I can hear them chewing on shit and its sucks. I would turn on a fan to drown out the noise but my room is fucking FREEZING. I threw the blanket back over my window hoping that it would keep heat from escaping but I don't think that really did anything. so after freezing my ass off I got fed up and put on fluffy socks under normal socks, wore my owl onesie as pants over my shorts, put on my comfy (oversized hoodie), and threw a fluffy blanket over my shoulders. thankfully I was pretty cozy after that, but as I type this after taking off the cosy and blanket, I can feel my toes getting cold again. damnit. ANYWAY after quitting the sims for the night I ate some salad and got a heart shaped crouton :) and I scrolled through Tumblr for a bit. then I decided to finally work on the paws my friend wanted. but I couldn't find the pattern so I instead worked on the brown paws instead. I could only work on them so much, since I still have to finish the lining before I can do much else. I attached the backs of the fingers to the back of the hand. I didnt get much down but what matters is that I did SOMETHING. I'm gonna keep an eye out for that pattern that I need, and if I cant find it, I'll just make a new pattern. tbh I think thad’s be the better way to go anyway since I wouldn't have to figure out how the fuck the old one goes together and I can also have a pattern that perfectly fits the foam underneath. also tbh i have mixed feeling about the white paws my friend wants. I like how dextrous they are and how easily you can emote and move your fingers, but I dont like how ovular I made the paw pads and the hints of black thread peaking out where I sewed the pads from the back. I WOULD just remake them with the free curl works pattern im using for the brown paws but I figure I might as well finish this pair since there’s already one done and the foam interior is already made. whatever. I dont wanna think about it too much. I also dont like the head that goes with the paws, it was a fish job in comparison to my first head and I kinda hate it. but I think I'll eventually get some longer fur for the neck and a hair poof and cheeks (maybe) and do a little refurbishing and give it to my friend if she ever wants it, since it matches the paws and all. I have lots of plans for my 2 WIP heads but not all the materials/motivation. plus I just need to let the ideas stir before I do unything, making sure they’re goof before I act on them. I'm exited that I can shave down fur relativey easily and evenly without an electric dog shaver, which opens up a lot of opportunities. anyway as I was working on the brown paws I had TAZ on in the background and it still baffles me a little bit how different griffin and Matt mercer operate as dms like holy shit. its really funny. and it got me thinking about how I wouldn't mind dming for my friend group if he chance ever arose. I DO have the forgotten realms campaign setting book. I haven't actually looked at it but I assume it has a few pre-built quests and plot lines n stuff in it. I'll probably take a better look at in the morning when it’s not 1:40 am. dang now I'm thinking about my Minecraft dnd idea again. I think the real problem keeping me from being a dm is that I CANNOT keep a straight face when doing improv/roleplaying, so I dont know how well I could hold together a world for them to play in. I would love to give it a try tho. not with the Minecraft idea at the same time, fuck no. I would need to do like. a classic vanilla dnd experience the first time, maybe even using our tiefling family characters since I'm at least a little familiar with them. can you dm and also play your own character? is that fair? is that a think you can do? I think that could be fun but also hard to juggle and also maybe kinda suck because you’d already know all the answers to all the puzzles. meh. actually now I kind of really want to look through thet book tonight instead of in the morning. also I mentioned overnight oats a few days ago I think, and the first morning it was kinda gross, the second time I ate it was still a little gross texture wise, but I finished it off tonight and it was pretty good. maybe next time I'll try it without the banana and a little less milk and maybe slice up an apple into little cubes for texture. hell yeah peanut butter apple cinnamon brown sugar overnight oats. that sound pretty dang good actually. I'll try that some time, but I dont think I can right now because I dont think we have any apples in the house. phooey. I should also probably put this oatmeal cp in the sink before it becomes impossible to clean. holy shit how long have I been writing? SEE THE DESK MAKES ME JUST WANNA KEEP WRITING AND WRITING FOREVER I FEEL SO PRODUCTIVE EVEN IF IM NOT DOING ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE!! I love just typing and typing forever its so soothing just hearing the tapping of the keyboard and getting my thought out without actually having to think that hard about it. goddamn im never gonna read back through this this is a nightmare lmao. no paragraph breaks no capitalization no nothin. I dont even wanna stop typing even though my arm is starting to hurt a little but from leaning the edge of the desk. now im thinking about the movie soul again and the cat as it rides on the escalator to the great beyond and how that dude in the band was the main characters student and how that scene with the girl trying to quit music and then immediately changed her mind didnt make any sense. like what the hell I dont understand that scene at all. also thinking about the transition where he’s like “ok repeat after me” as he’s in the cat and the camera goes over the mom’s shoulder and it’s just him talking, I like how they did that instead of doing dialouge between him and the cat. idk man. I think maybe I should stop typing now since my body is starting to hurt. sorry for putting this H U G E wall of text on your dash but I just like typing out my thoughts :) goodnight!

edit: OH I forgot to talk about something else!! last night I was thinking about valentines day and how cute it would be to have a little overall dress in the pattern on one of my childhood blankets, its like a light pink with white hearts on it so I looked up some fabrics and none of them were the right pattern. I also looked up a sewing pattern that I think would look nice and its on sale right now! I totally want to try and make it, but fabric is expensive so I think I might look at dollar tree for fleece baby blankets because I know they have them there, I bought a few a while ago for some plush sewing projects. they’re decently sized so I think I could do it.idk how many I would need to buy tho. or I might go to goodwill and look for a pink sheet? I have a thin pink blanket that could theoretically work but I want to use a planet im not attached to. or even just find a few big shirts in the same shade of pink? then I could maybe line it with something. I have red purple and white satin but that’s literally the worst fuckin fabric in the world to work with. my first experience with sewing was trying to make plushies out of satin and holy hell idk how I did it. anyway even though I literally never wear dresses I think it would be a fun project to try and make myself a cute little valentines dress. :) I could even give myself POCKETS >:)))

[feelinsdumpster]

things i want to do in the coming decade

1 January 2020

1. now that the most hellish part of my student career is over and i’m given more time for myself, i want to read at least 3 books a month (with at least 1 classic every two) in 2020, and try read one more book every month in the coming years

2. write better reviews for the books i’ve read, and maybe post reading logs here

3. i want to reread some of my absolute favourite titles and finally put up my honest reviews for them. maybe i’ll post a shitpost here about how much i love em

4. i want to get over my fear of writing (and get over the trauma that resulted this) so that i can not only stop procrastinating for homework, but also start writing the shit i’ve always wanted to write

5. start carrying a tiny book around for when i have a random spontaneous idea, so that i can write them down. i tend to always have spontaneous ideas but i never remember them by the time i’m about to write them down so hopefully this will help

6. read or write as i commute instead of wallowing in sadness as i listen to music

7. post an essay here once every 2 weeks (or at least once a month) about issues i care about, and hopefully improve my writing along the way

8. wake up earlier and keep doing so consistently, like 7am or something, and not get fatigued over doing so

9. go on morning walks, heck, or even walk up the hill to campus if i have to, because your loser girl over here has been recommended to lose weight by 4 doctors over the last few years and it’s about time i tried

10. try lessen my shopping and stop being a victim of consumerism. 2019 (or at least the latter half) was probably the one year in which i spent a shitload of money on things that i did not necessarily need. it’s become a habit i cannot control where i buy things on impulse thinking ‘i need it’ or ‘it’ll be gone if i don’t get it’ when i know that is not true and i don’t need it and that the only reason i’m compelled to buy them is because i live in a very consumerism-centric society that also conveniently does not have sales tax, and live in a very image-based era where how you look online is big deal and you always ‘have’ to keep up with the trends when that’s bullshit and anyone that decides to unfriend you over such deserves to be out of your life because holy fuck is that toxic. 

11. try not only make more new friends, but also start talking again to some of my old friends/acquaintance. it could be because the old environment was gone, it could be because we’ve all matured a bit and grown up, but whereas i though it would be cringe as fuck to accidentally come across people i used to know, i was surprised to find it pretty pleasant and not as nasty as i’ve expected (this is probably because i have deep-set issues regarding how people perceive me but ye) and i think it would be nice to talk again and shit on our past lol. that, and making new friends, i need to stop giving people a singular vibe check and pussying out when i don’t like it. i want to try get to know new people more without bias and maybe gain friends instead of simply acquaintances

12. get over my stage fright and be more confident (this sorta bleeds into the next point)

13. learn to stop caring about what other people think. when you live in a society that greatly values the idea of ‘face’, this point can be really hard to do. but really, no one but yourself has any stake in what you’re doing right now or for the future, so you better do you sis

14. figure out what i want out of life and my university experience. tbh i spent a good portion of my life being pushed around by people, in hopes that i’d end up here or i’d end up there, i really never thought about what i really wanted. in 2019 i really focused on how i felt throughout with my growth and i started caring for myself more (which i honestly should have done long before because i am so emotionally unstable i don’t know how i’ve lasted this long actually). sadly enough, as i started caring more for myself, what everyone had hoped out of me were absolutely shattered. i didn’t score too well in my public exams because i didn’t want to push myself too hard; i ended up not getting into the much favoured first choice for a uni degree; and i ended up discovering that i want simplicity out of life: i don’t want to be a hero, i don’t want to be a leader, i just want to live happily and help people in tiny non-extravagant ways. this was much to everyone’s dismay lol. i also rekindled my fondness for literature and am pursuing a second major in english to the great disapproval of everyone else (i was a pretty good student at school and i did focus on science and math so this came as a shock to everyone, doesn’t help that i’m asian). but i really like what i’m doing right now. it’s more broad and i can sort of figure out what i want to do. but with that i also had this massive crisis where i didn’t know what the hell i was doing and i also didn’t want to be wasting my degree taking shit willy nilly and develop no interest or skills. so i really want to figure that out u kno

15. graduate at a healthier state mentally and physically (very easy to manipulate because, arguably speaking, i can either a) never have graduated, or b) never stop learning, and both seem wonderful to me lol)

16. stop avoiding my problems and using them as a comedic crux; actually solve them and my longheld issues; maybe actually try going to therapy or counselling

17. learn to let go of the people who have wronged me and learn to accept that i’ve made mistakes that may have greatly altered my life but should nevertheless be accepted as something that has happened and cannot be changed

18. learn to stop falling for toxic or unavailable people. self-explanatory. touche

19. learn to be kinder to myself. i don’t know how 2019 was for you, but it’s probably been one of the years where i’ve been the unhappiest i could ever be. whereas in the first half i was stressed beyond my wits and over-obsessed with some random public exam that really has no right in defining my future and self-worth, though it did (which is so shitty and stupid to begin with). in the second half, now that that fiasco was out of my head, i’ve sort of come face to face with how self-destructive my habits and attitude towards a lot of things are. you could probably tell from the shit i wrote before this point but positive self-image is not my forte, and i have essentially no idea what i’m doing or want out of life. arguably speaking, i’ve had a lot of people tell me or hint that i’m inadequate in many ways (be it because of how the education system is here, or my own complicated background), so i rarely ever hear compliments about myself or my work (or maybe i just suck in general idk). university has happened for a few months now and it’s been a bit jarring having adults tell me that i’m doing ok, or that they understand my background, or that i shouldn’t be doubting myself so much because i’m like ‘what the fuck that’s all i’ve been told to do?’. i guess it’s understandable why it’s important to know where you lack so as you can improve or like assimilate in society better (which i highly disagree with but i digress), but like holy fuckin hell did anyone ever think about how damaging that would be to a child’s self-esteem? maybe you won’t relate because you’re emotionally strong, or had a good upbringing, or didn’t lack all that much or you were a very normal kid, but if you wanted to know what it was like for someone who didn’t really have, or was, any of that: it sucked major ass, and it’s greatly affected how i ended up as an adult. i’m constantly anxious over nothing, and i have random fits of just gut-wrenching sadness, and god is it getting in the way of my daily life. now that i am doing ‘fine’ at school, i’m sole source of all negative criticism to compensate for the jarring lack thereof, and i’m terribly confused as to what people want out of me, as if that should even matter heck. never in my life did i ever let myself think that everything was going to be fine. never in my life did i ever let myself think i was adequate for whatever it was i was doing or wherever the hell i ended up. i realise i’ve spent nearly two decades of my life never cutting myself some slack even though the fact that i’ve made it this far and well and healthy, is to a large extent, completely on me and that i should be happy with myself. it’s about time i tried rebuilding my self-image and it’s about time i stopped giving myself ass when i don’t deserve it. and it sort of pisses me off that it takes a completely different environment for this to finally be clear to me and it’s baffling that i was once in such a toxic environment outside and within myself. i still am working to be kinder to myself; and the environment outside is still greatly toxic, but it is how it is and oh boy is that depressing. part of me still wished somebody taught me to be nicer to myself; part of me still wished the world would have been nicer to me; so here i am today, trying to fill the gap that was left by lack thereofs of the two

learning to be kinder to yourself is never really an easy task, especially if you’re already balls deep in being a dick to everything that you are. i’m sure it’ll take more than a decade, but i hope that the earlier i start, the better it’ll be for myself :)

20. be at a point where i’m genuinely happier with myself. i highly doubt any of you made it this far but if you have, i wish for you too: that in the coming decade, you’ll be at a point where you’re genuinely happier with yourself

extra:

21. FINALLY SUCC SOME DICK ITS ABOUT TIME IM NO LONGER SINGLE WHAT THE FU-

[medeadzugashvili]

THE MIST

             I sailed into the harbour of the Surreal City. This is what I called it forever, though it strikes me as funny, since there is nothing surreal to it. A tiny square, with heaps of useless trinkets which natives (I call them that because of the strange language they speak) use to trick the rich wannabes into dipping for their wallets. There are two churches, one straight ahead, and the other on the right. And that’s it. But, the mist is surreal. I’ve always feared it. And I know: the end of the world will not come in thunder and flames. It will draw near with one of these mists, and few of us will know instantly. I don’t know who the others are, but I know they exist. And we shall meet, when it is due…

           However, in the Surreal City, there exist real needs, especially if you have spent past months churning in those blasted waters. For so long, it seems I have become virgin again. But I hate it when our captain says it, and to avoid his attempts at being funny, I usually leave the ship first, stepping onto the pier alone, without the hungry pack of sailors. No, don’t get me wrong, I am not in any way better than them. It is just that I like to do some things on my own. And then, stepping through the rubbish and fish scales, by the road known to myself only, and to the certain house. All of you, probably influenced by bad literature, imagine brothels at sea ports as loud places, reeking with rancid oil, cheap perfumes and sour wine, with obese Puffe-Mutter and warts on her nose welcoming you at the door. Well, it is exactly like it. I got waylaid by one of those at the door, asking:

‘’How much d’you 'ave?’’

‘’Two hundred,'' I said.

‘’Not enough, it’s gone up. How long have you gone without it, slugger?’’

I have this stupid habit of blushing, and I am endlessly ashamed of it. However, this time it paid off, ‘cause it stirred some of the maternal feelings with the old hag.

‘’Sweetheart, mamma’s got something for you, half price.’’

‘’Why so cheap? Diseased?’’

‘’No, just crazy.’’

‘’All right,’’ I said, already getting desperate, ‘’Hope she’s not violent’’, and handed her the money. She waved toward the guy who was silently playing the piano long out of tune. He got up, grabbing a bag.

‘’Take ‘im to thirty-four,’’ she ordered. I followed my guide up the stairs. He led me to the loft, knocked on the flaked door, and stepped aside, still holding the bag. I closed my eyes and entered.

‘’Open your eyes, I’m not that ugly,’’ I heard the silent, tense contralto. Ugly or not, I couldn’t tell, for the long dark hair was covering her face and chest. She was sitting on a ruffled bed, hugging her right knee, while her left leg was stretched sideways. The sheet she was draped in as in some kind of a toga, didn’t protect her from the cold pervading the room. Pervading the Surreal City.

‘’Should I take it off?’’ She asked, thinking ,probably, of sheet. I didn’t answer. I sat on the bed, my back to her, and placed her bare foot on my lap. In case you haven’t known, both looks and character can be determined according to the foot, not hands, opposite to the popular belief. For an example, mine is boorish, wide and flat, with potato-like toes and then it is easy to infer that my face, too, is common, uninteresting, with tousled blonde hair and grey eyes. Although, it passes quite well in southern harbours.

Her foot, on the other hand, was narrow, nicely arched, with long toes and sculptured ankle. I don’t know why, I took off my thick navy-blue coat and covered her.

‘’Take that thing off me, I hate blue.’’

I turned. Just as I thought - chiselled. Chiselled of white marble, without a tinge of rose. That kind of face painters in orthodox churches bestow upon the Leader of armies, as they call the Archangel Michael.

‘’I paid for you, I can do what I want,’’ I said insecurely, feeling my face growing hot instantly.

‘’Did you? And they didn’t inform you I was crazy?’’

She couldn’t have not noticed. It is impossible that the first person not to mock my beat-red cheeks was sea-port hooker. If she indeed was one.

‘’ Come on, do what you’ve come for, and go, I am tired,’’ she shattered my illusions with just one sentence uttered.

‘’Give me some time,’’ my voice was quivering uncontrollably. Something was wrong   from the start.

‘’D'you need help? Pictures, or something?’’

‘’Why are you saying that? Why do you keep insulting me?’’ I almost cried.

‘’All right, all right, pull yourself together,’’ she felt pity, got up and stood by the window, wrapping herself tightly into her toga. She was staring outside.

‘’What’s your name?’’ I asked, lighting the cigarette.

‘’Whatever you want it to be.’’

‘’Still…’’

‘’I don’t have a name anymore.’’

I inhaled a smoke two or three times. She is really crazy, I thought.

‘’You think I am really crazy,’’ she said it listlessly, still intently watching the mist over the harbour. She was reading me like a book.

‘’No, you’re not crazy. Just… different. Tell me something about yourself.’’

'’ I have nothing to tell.’’

‘’Why do you do this?'' I couldn’t help it. I had no more desire, nor strength inside me. Just my damn curiosity.

‘’And why do you sail?'’ she said, her spirit elsewhere.

‘’I wanted to see it all - endless sea, old cities, golden domes of churches, the forests of poisonous flowers, black lakes, sparkling glaciers, cruel in their loneliness...'' I started confessing, forgetting that my question came first. She sat on the bed, crossing her legs and curling them underneath her body.

‘’I've already seen it all. Here, '’ she touched her forehead.

‘’Then why are you here?’’

‘’He left me.''

I howled with laughter. I was giggling so hard, it was getting rude, even in a place like this. I managed to stop only when the burning cigarette started scorching my fingers.

‘’Come on, sister, you’re smart enough, come up with a better excuse,’’ I barely mustered to squeeze out, while blowing into my hand. She lifted her gaze towards me. Faced with those two dark abysses, all sense of humour drained.

‘’Don’t you know the story….don't you know that once upon a time, every person had two heads, four arms and four legs? And they were so powerful that it frightened the gods, so they cut them in half? And now those two halves are in search of one another, all over the world, in order to become one again? You see, we were those two halves. And once he said he couldn't go on, that he was petrified by that amount of passion, that he had to be absolutely pure in order to create absolutely pure music... that was the moment I left.''

‘’Only because of that? He is not the only one in the world…’’

‘’I told you, we were those two halves.''

‘’There are so many others who were once left, and they got over it….that, and so much more,’’ I tried to be sensible.

‘’My dear, the log has more stamina that crystal. And then I came here and…’’

For a moment there I couldn’t keep up with her story. She was sitting there, in front of me, indifferently talking about her conscious fall, insulting me, albeit unintentionally, regardless of the fact that, for this one hour at least, she was my property....and I couldn't  reach her. Nor could anyone else in this world.

‘’…and of course, he appeared one day, dragging a bag, begging me to return, pleading that he hadn’t created anything of any worth… I told him to get lost.’’

‘’Do you want… do you want me to find him for you, and bring him back here?’’ I asked quietly.

‘’But he is here!’’ she said, looking at me in wonder. ‘’It was him who brought you in here.''

No, she wasn't crazy. Something else, much more serious, was happening.

‘’Why did you punish him so harshly?

She waved her hand:

‘’I didn't do anything to him. He punished himself. When I threw him out, he went to the old hag and asked for a job.’’

I was silent for a second.

‘’Do you want me to take you away from here?’’

That was the first time I caught a glimpse of her smile, wonderful, radiant, glowing; but only for a moment. It died off immediately.

‘’Thank you. But, it is our destiny to be together, no matter where and how.’’

‘’I can't understand why do you have to torture both him and yourself.''

She propped herself on her hands and bent towards me in a long, cobra-like curve.

‘’Don’t you understand?’’ She hissed. ‘’How could you? If everyone is miserable, wasting their empty lives with strangers, and dying unfulfilled, and you are given the chance to unite, but you throw it away for few barren scribbles on the paper… that is almost like God has handed something priceless to him, and he pushed it away. And spat in his hand.’’

I wrapped myself into my coat, suddenly feeling the cold with every pore of my body. I felt the enormous wish to get away, knowing I was getting into something terrible; yet, I kept sitting there, motionless, completely aware that I wasn't there only by chance. She huddled again at the corner of the bed.

‘’You know, maybe all the parts could have joined back together,’’ and before I had the chance to ask what she had meant by that, se got up, and returned to the window.

‘’The mist again,’’ she whispered, but I heard her.

‘’Why did you say that?’’ I asked, frightened by the answer in advance.

‘’Because the end of the world will come with it.''

She uttered that like she was telling me the earth is round and the night comes after the day. I froze.

‘’Don’t be afraid,’’ she said, turning to face me. ‘’This is not terrible. The terrible thing is that one more possibility is lost. More lost time, more wasted lives… until two halves aren’t united again. And everything could have been… whole. Complete. Like then.’’

‘’When?’’

‘’Then before we were cut in half. Look, your hour is running out. We don’t have much more time left.’’

‘’Stop playing the petty whore at once!’’ I yelled. ‘’You know!’’

'’Yes,’’ she said. ‘’And don’t yell at me.’’

‘’Forgive me,’’ I dropped my gaze. We were silent for a while. Giggles, the smell of rancid oil and cheep perfumes were drifting in from downstairs, but there was no sound of the piano anymore. I knew, he was in front of the door.

‘’And now what?’’ I spoke first.

‘’Oh, God hears those like me. You know, this is a dangerous area, there are robbers, fires, and all these hovels are made of wood…’’ She was interrupted by the banging on the door: ‘’Kid, get out! Or pay for another hour!’’

She got up.

‘’Good bye,’’ she said, kissing my temple. Then she got back on the bed, and to the same position I found her in. I went out. Naturally, he was waiting for me in front.

‘’Did she kiss your temple?’’

This is the boat of fools, I thought. Something in his broken stare made me lie.

‘’She didn’t.’’

‘’She did, I can see her sign. Don’t go yet, let me give you something.’’ And with quivering fingers he fished roll of canvases out of the torn bag.

‘’These are her paintings. She touched you, they are yours now.''

I took them and went out. Sitting on the dock, I unrolled the canvases and before me, in wondrous colours, her visions glistened and glowed: endless sea, old cities and churches with golden domes, black lakes, the forests of strange, poisonous flowers with twisted shapes and colours, and glaciers, cruel in their loneliness… and everything enfolded in light, barely visible mist. I returned to the ship. I spent hours standing on the deck, leaning overboard, staring. And all through the Surreal City, people were on their ways, still working, shopping, talking, hurrying somewhere, or strolling languidly, not knowing there are two fallen angels living among them: One of them has fallen in the usual, angelic, way - for vanity. Grief broke the other one’s wings.

[valorousowl]

So I'd said I'd complain here. Because I want to. But I also don't want to. Under the cut because sensitive shit.

My father died two weeks ago on Sunday. I've made about 3 posts about that. Last week we had some funerary services. Mom is having a month long wake for people to pay their respects to his ashes which will be mixed with hers following her death and then buried together, likely in the Military Cemetary in Pennsylvania where her brother is also buried.

I performed some of the services, reading

Psalms over his remains from his Lutheran service book at my mother's request. I also said prayers over his remains a few times and blessed a cross she's received as a bereavement gift.

Other than that we just spent a whole lot of time together, not enough, and talked a whole lot.

This is thw second funeral I've been at in 6 months. In may my Uncle Jack died and if home down briefly for that. An aunt had died cut In that time, Ngoc, but I wasn't close so I ended up not going/not invite to her funeral.

My sisters at that time, had been quite angry that id gone to his among other things, despite the fact he'd been like a second father to me and always looked out for me during high school.

To make things simple I'm gonna bullet what they did last time under their names.

Page

Bitched a lot about me choosing a nonblood relative over a blood relative

Had a whole homophobic* rant about it not being fair the family accepts my wife but not her girlfriendbeating, childabusing, alcoholic, lazy, boyfriend.

Ended up leaving me until way after the funeral ended because she was pissed at me. My other sister had to get us and take us to the after part.

Not great but not bad comparitively.

Hillary

Ended up showing up late to pick us up from the pick up location in Ithaca. I literally can't give her my address it's that bad.

I had to drive us down. She'd programmed her gps, two of them, to give conflicting turns so the other was no help when I got lost after Harrisburg.

Wanted to sleep at a rest stop parking lot only halfway through, this is the DAY OF the funeral.

Literally started screaming at me for getting lost and said "I drive like a man"

Told me she'd kill me for transitioning when I joked that I can't drive like a man when it's so expensive to transition**.

Repeated it, making sure I looked her in the eyes, in front of a witness, that she will kill*** me if I ever transition.

Tried to drop in unannounced at 6 am at the mother of the dead aunt to pay condolences. Even if I'd been invited that'd be supremely rude.

Immediately went to sleep when we arrived about an hour or two BEFORE the funeral.

Continued to hang all over me and call me ungrateful for not visiting for almost 4 years before this.

That was last time.

This time she did something worse, and what makes it even worse was the fact that it was our FATHER.

I know it shouldnt matter because family is family but she was there when he died and had tried to get ahold of me at work before it was too late. All of this made me think she was at least acting like a decent human being. I was wrong. I know people process grief differently and I'm no different, im still fluctuating between denial and anger and even mom is pushing it far from her mind so she doesn't have to face the reality of it. But there's certain things that are unforgivable.

Page in comparison was really kind, so anything she did out of frustration I'm skipping this time because she made an effort to be civil.

Hillary

Lent us her bedroom which was nice, except she was in there all the time. Like not to get stuff she needed she was just hanging out in there all the time. And I know you're thinking "It's her room, stop being an asshole!" Except it brings me to point two. She'd especially do it after picking fights, so that literally we didn't have anywhere to get away from her. She'd do this when I lived there too, except she'd do it in MY room, which had literally no way of locking her out as we shared one connecting door that only locked in her side. She does this for attention so she cannot be ignored.

We went out to her work, where she introduced me to Everyone as her daughter. There's about three problems there alone, but I had to be polite to her co-workers. She did so so she could basically just mooch off the free samples. Which they all commented on, pointedly.

Afterward she had me drive just to start an argument about politics, literally took me down several new roads I didn't know, and got mad when I wouldn't make the turns instinctively and made me make what were basically illegal turns. She made up for this by buying my therapy cat some things at Wal-Mart including a fidget spinner****. Then stayed in our room for three more hours.

The next morning she acted like nothing had changed and said we were going out to eat. We went to The Green Dragon which is a fancier Asian buffet with a variety of dishes. It was nice. Until she started discussing politics LOUDLY. It wasn't that kind of restaurant, it was mostly older people, like 80% 60-80 year olds on the early bird special, not somewhere you want to talk politics in rural Amish country Pennsylvania.

I told her three times, we aren't talking about that here and now.

She insisted she was talking to "My friend*****"

I told her neither of us wanted to talk to her about it so she dropped it for a while.

It wasn't long before she was back on her bullshit. She went on about infowars or some shit. (She doesn't like him, per se, but she's a "conservative in a gay hat" type) and how it was hilarious to see him get ripped apart over "Michael obama"

I tell her it's pronounced Michelle. She replied "no it's not! He's really a man, haven't you seen?" And extrapolated from there. I told her she can't call women she doesnt like men just because she doesn't like them or isn't attracted to them. (She does this)

At this point, she continues on about how Michelle is "a transgender or whatever", not really a woman, had a penis, and even without my biases, she still is SHOUTING THIS IN A PACKED RESTAURANT FULL OF OLD PEOPLE IN RED PA

I tell her to back off because she doesn't know anything about trans people and maybe she should just not talk about it because I'm not going to talk to her about it. To which of course she replies that she knows so much better because she knows lots of """"""real trans people"""""

She goes on about how they're disgusting, they smell bad, they're bad people, she outed her friend who I didn't know was trans and said that she (She managed proper pronouns for her at first then reverted to calling her a man) forced her to support her even though she was *insert insults* and even went so far as to call them... rather us, mentally ill freaks.****** She insists we wouldn't have high suicide rates of we didn't "pretend to be the other gender and accept what we really are!"

I'm done. I've had enough. I just get up and say "I'm going to the bathroom" and I literally walk away and lock myself in the family bathroom. While I'm gone she asks what my problem is and my wife tells her off, basically that she doesn't get to decide anyone else's journey for them, it costs 0.00 USD to respect people's identies and not be a fuck. To which Hillary says "don't tell me she's one too" which I'm not annoting because I've already made two notes on this. Rowan tells her "It's not my story to tell,"

"That tells me all I need to know." (Yeah no shit Sherlock you were told outright)

Rowan says she's gonna check on me, so Hiillary tells her "well, tell her her mother's dead. She doesn't have one anymore."#

##

So I'm having a breakdown in a public bathroom, on the phone with my mother, because she has humiliated me and outed me to a restaurant of strangers, and she still keeps us out with her for another hour past leaving the restaurant even when I said I wanted to go home.

She immediately tried to retract and say that first off, "[I] don't understand how hard it is and [I] don't understand the choice [I'm] making" I am not talking to her about this.

She insists she'll always support me. I want to go home.

Here's where she actually took I to Wal-Mart. Rowan has reminded me this is what the Wal-Mart trip was to make up for. On that note. She tried again to say she'd "always support me and I know it". I reminded her she told me last time she said she'd kill me over it. She denied it and I told her I still had logs to which she said "ugh, okay whatever!"

This all led to outing me to the REST of the family, which thank God they took better than her. They admitted they didn't understand and hoped I'd get lots of doctors who could help me transition safely with my health issues. Overall it was better than expected but I'm the second openly trans member of the family.

She continued to say that I hold grudges and I shouldn't be so sensitive among other things but that's really all I have the spoons for. This took three hours to write as is. So yeah, additional notes are below. This is why I will never live in PA again and never live near her again. All of this when we were supposed to be mourning our dead father.

*Its homophobic from perspective because I'm only out as a lesbian at this point.

**She is a (closet-bi) lesbian who has been told twice at this point that I'm trans. She's said I'm confused. I don't know what I am. She didn't give birth to a boy etc.

***This is about the third time in my life she's told me if it was up to her she'd have killed me. She said she wanted to abort me, she said if I'd been a boy (xy) she would have. She says if they wouldn't let her, she'd have smothered me coming out and as it stands as a "girl" (xx) she planned to orphan me if mom hadn't told her to being me home.

**** I don't even know. She insists cats love fidget spinners. Mine doesn't care.

***** I don't have to explain why this is fucked up. But I will. If you havent had this situation happen to you, regardless of sexuality and presentation, it means that person who is so important to you to be your significant other, does not measure up. Other than dehumanizing them it's just in general a shitty move. And when they dont even use your SOs name it's clear they're seen just as an accessory of you.

****** y'all remember I've already told her I'm trans? I have the Facebook logs from that convo still.

#I got sick of counting stars, so we're switching to hashes. I'm adopted. Hillary is my biological mother and we were both adopted by the same charitable lady. Her statement doesnt make a lick of sense, mother is at home. She constantly tries to insist she's my mother after all of the above and more I can't even go into here.

## If I knew all it's take was coming out as trans for hee to disown me, I would have much sooner. Soon than I did. She'll forget this in less than six months likely. Because I'm not important enough to expend memory on. I'm marginally okay with this.

[oldblue1998]

CheyenneHace 2 díasThis makes me so sad! I am 16 and I never have experiences like this :'(Responder824 Ocultar respuestas Cupcake BeautyHace 2 díasCheyenne your never to old to make these experiences happen xxResponder34 Asmaa AbdulrehmanHace 1 díathats true lol even though i'm also 16 and i havent experienced any of this either dont worry we will someday....i hope lolResponder17 LelRapHooksHace 1 díaCheyenne Having parties isnt all in life. And drinking and smoking is retarded anyways..Responder58 dont log in on my computer ever again oHace 1 díaCheyenne why though, you don't need to smoke and drink when your 15Responder5 SausageHero Cabal - NAHace 1 díaI'm pretty sure you have some friends or family you had good times with. I thought I didn't have a lot of friends but I got 3 good ones and a lot of family. Plus I go to college with those 3 people. So if you don't have these experiences make a change if you go to college just don't do anything too stupid though. Go outside and meet some people to have good times with.Responder9 Darma ParamartaHace 1 díaa 20 yo guy here that have been smoking, drinking, first kiss, get drunk. Listen to this, it's good if you have done that, but just for the experience, to make you know how does it feel. After that, you should go back to your life chasing your goals, studying or practicing to be whatever your goals are. The point is, be grateful, whatever happen, it happen for your best.Responder20 Hector ParkinHace 1 díaCheyenne im 16 and ive had all these experiences and many more. The time will come.Responder3 theOGwelshmanHace 1 díaYour only 16 man it'll happen for ya don't you worry ... I used to think the same ... Same exact thingResponder4 theOGwelshmanHace 1 díaThe things I'd do to go back to 16 years old god damn man ... The things I'd make an effort to DO RIGHT instead of fuckin off when I shouldn't haveResponder7 GamenmetmitchHace 1 díaCheyenne all goodResponder2 GoldbergHace 1 díaCheyenne mee tooResponder3 Something CleverHace 1 díaCheyenne Don't worry you got all the time in the world. And I kinda hate you for it lol jkResponder1 finn girlHace 1 díaCheyenne honestly, ur time will come- it took me till 17/18 to be able to find friends like this and many ppl don't have experiences like this till uni.... you have all the time in the world so don't worry!!Responder18 focchaHace 1 díaDude this kinda life didn't happen for me til I was 22. It's legit what people say, you have time.Responder15 Dog WuffHace 1 díaIam 17 y/o, and I had the most beautiful moments with my friends :)Responder5 Aliensf99Hace 1 díame 2Responder4 FandemoniumHace 1 díaPleaseeee check out my channel for my ED Sheeran best moments video :) Subscribe for part two :) coming really soonResponder1 Neny m.Hace 1 díaI'm 24 dude so don't worryResponder1 CharlesHace 1 díaCheyenne u don't have to have experiences like these ,ur experiences are times u find special to u and are ur best of memoriesResponder6 STRÄVA _Hace 1 díaCheyenne im sure u had experiences , look back now, ull remember. not exactly like these. maybe better. problem is we barely appreciate what we haveResponder2 Mohiz Ali TwisT 7Hace 1 díaCheyenne im 15 😊Responder2 Alyssa MajormozeHace 1 díaomg girl i feel you, like honestly i feel like part of being a teenager is experiencing stuff like this and it still hasn't happened.Responder5 CheyenneHace 1 díaLelRapHooks I don't want to smoke or drink. Hope I never do it. Just to live theese adventures. The video and song shows the best beauty of being a youth but I never had or will have experiences like this. I realy don't like my life 😥Responder5 CheyenneHace 1 díaSausageHero Cabal - NA I have no friends. I already changed everything on me before I started to go on (german) High School. I did and do everything to get friends. Also to get a boyfriend (am a boy and gay) but you can only change 95% of you and like I see people don't like the 5% of me which I can't change. I was so hopeful to get friends and have nice experiences with others but god don't want me to have fun 😞Responder5 CheyenneHace 1 díatheOGwelshman 2,5 years than it's too late and I don't go to school anymore and I have no ideas anymore how to change something...Responder3 CheyenneHace 1 díaDog Wuff I would do everything to have that what you had. It must be the greatest thing on the worldResponder2 CheyenneHace 1 díaCharles This is what I mean and I have none of them and don't seem like it will change somedayResponder2 CheyenneHace 1 díaAlyssa Majormoze This are my thoughts :D ... :'( but I'm a boy ;)Responder2 Heba AtefHace 1 díaDon't really know if it's probably related to your case but i really think you should read this book i haven't finished it but alot of people say it's very useful .. It's ( seven habits of highly effective teens )Responder2 Bernhard RennerHace 22 horasJust remember that before he became a star he was practically homeless.Responder2 Will HerondaleHace 22 horasBernhard Renner I think that's passengerResponder Dewanna BertonHace 21 horasyou're only 16 lol they do this college also. you'll have your funResponder Gerald MoyaHace 21 horascheyenne you  have time to do it I have 20 and I never have experiences like this and I never do nothing interesting for many causesResponder Shakti Natalia C BonillaHace 21 horas👌🏾Responder moonlight baeHace 21 horasCheyenne omg!! Same!!😭Responder1 DripHace 20 horasLife is what you make it, be yourself and do what makes you happy, the rest is irrelevant :-)Responder13 HeyizKristina HereHace 20 horasDrip Thanks for making my day ! 😃😄😂Responder2 MarbleGrayHace 17 horasHey, I probably won't get friends until I can figure out how to be not so annoying/stop making everyone hate me. One day it will happen I guess.. Practice right?Responder1 georgina herreraHace 17 horasCheyenne live a little while you can im 16 tooResponder1 Filip BrokosHace 16 horasTyskie <3Responder3 Rosie SchenkHace 14 horasYou're only 16, in most coutries you're still too young to drink or drive, of course you have never experienced things like that.Responder6 sippi aHace 12 horasCheyenne...chill...I am 28 , have not yet had any of these experiences...so you're still better than this  28 yrs old telling you to chill.👍Responder3 Hannah KuchelHace 11 horassippi a and I'm 11 and I have a six packResponder4 Kenny EdisonHace 11 horasCheyenne dont be sad,this is just videoclip and isnt realResponder1 James MulvilleHace 10 horasyou must be a blast at parties you boring fuckResponder6 Rachael KadiHace 10 horasI'm 23 never had any of this shit 😂😂😂Responder1 Serena Van der HoodsenHace 9 horasCheyenne i've 18 and i never had a boyfriendResponder mariana EsquivelHace 9 horasyou are so young!!!. every one have their own experiences in their own time. kisses from argentina.Responder4 Serena Van der HoodsenHace 9 horasmariana Esquivel it's true 💗 thank u from italyResponder Piotr WyszkowskiHace 9 horas+Cheyenne you kidding 16 is the best age , my best experience are from age 16 to 19, start traveling meet more new ppl , go crazy , life is too shortResponder8 Mike PrattHace 8 horaseverything happened to me in college.....buckle upResponder1 Aname to rememberHace 8 horasCheyenne I cried and I am 14😢😢😢Responder3 raj kumarHace 8 horasSame here they r just music videos for me old days r badResponder1 CheyenneHace 7 horasDrip I wish I could do what makes me happy but I'm not good enough for itResponder1 CheyenneHace 7 horasRosie Schenk I am allowed to drink and driveResponder1 CheyenneHace 7 horasKenny Edison Right but it shows me what I realy want and that I failed in everything important for me and will never have the most wanted experiencesResponder2 CheyenneHace 7 horasPiotr Wyszkowski I do everything for It but it doesn't happen. That's why I'm so sadResponder1 Betül AyHace 7 horas (editado)I am 14 and my too and I never have a real/close friendResponder2 Sharifah A. NajjarHace 7 horasAre you saying you have no friends? If so im sorry but if you mean drinking and smoking thats not something you should feel pressure to do because thats stupid. Actually even if you have no friends just do things that make you happy, then you will look back when older, having no free time and feel nostalgia for those things you did like in this song xResponder4 Grace FanelliHace 6 horasCheyenne wow your stupid do you really want to drink till you die and smoke cigarettes because if that's what you want you ain't getting anywhereResponder Betül AyHace 6 horasyes i have no friens and i just want share something. Thank you for this text :) <3Responder Lāsma Madara BedikereHace 6 horasCheer up mate, everything will come to in the right time, it did for me. :)Responder4 Betül AyHace 6 horasI hope 💗Responder Estefanía LimaHace 6 horasMe and my friends never got drunk together (we usually don't drink) nor smoke either. We had a little band and we had plenty of fun!! We laughed til it hurted, we got silly together and we learned a lot together as we were growing up. We still do, my memories are not exactly like Ed's memories, but they're awesome! Each person has its own path :) don't worryResponder2 FandemoniumHace 6 horasHey guys, please check out my channel for my new ED Sheeran best moments videos, Justin Bieber and Zayn coming soon, Subscribe if you enjoy :)Responder1 All two Super GirlsHace 5 horasyour my fave siningResponder1 Rian XavierHace 5 horasCheyenne me tooResponder lol fenlonHace 5 horasHowResponder lol fenlonHace 5 horasok he so goodResponder FrostyyHace 4 horasI´m 18 and never had any of these experiences either :/Responder7 Chris EugeniouHace 4 horasdude you're so young. make those experiences happen now!Responder3 Kater_gotHace 2 horasCupcake Beauty me too!Responder Leandra ToschiHace 2 horasCheyenne good 😊Responder Mor HDHace 2 horasCheyenne hahaResponder Sarah JaneHace 2 horasThis is exactly how feel about it ((Responder Nikiwe MatjeqoHace 2 horasI'm so sorry manResponder1 Sam MurphyHace 1 horaCheyenne ikrResponder MrSpookyfreakHace 1 horayour 16 right now, dont think about the consequences do it now its never too late x live like tomorrow doesnt matter my friend xResponder Aline GötzHace 47 minutosdo it now my dear! live!! love your young life sweetie! do what makes you happy!! make friends, some for a good short time and some for the rest of your live! these will be memories and no one can take them from you! be young and wild and happy and enjoy the life!!Responder1 the diamond gamerHace 36 minutosCheyenne i do a lot of themResponder1 Geert wildersHace 3 díasThis video inspired me to smoke and drink. Thanks 😄Más informaciónResponder690 Ver las 38 respuestas Cameron ReillyHace 51 minutosGeert wildersResponder AjayGioHace 36 minutosGeert wilders Geertjuhhh!!!