#whatever I'm getting myself worked up because of my stupid academic life.

[warriorprincesstramp]

i don't want to start discourse btw if you do that I will hate you I'm simply putting it out there. that wasn't it really crazy wild that the barbie movie which was like this is about WOMEN this is for the GIRLS this is feminism this is empowerment this ip is literally all about young women and girls femme girliepop universal girlhood slay queen this is 2023's GIRL MOVIE!!!!!! and then it was literally just about fucking ken. like that's bonkers. that's alternate timeline shit. can you imagine telling someone a year ago that in the barbie movie the kens got a long elaborate dance number and barbie didn't.... why weren't people rioting in the streets about that why was everyone just like haha yeah I took my golden retriever bf to see barbie he's #kenough lol! I'm just ken! we should have shot ryan gosling on the streets like a dog over this

[maleficore]

I don’t even go here but your replies to deepdragons were so needlessly hostile.

“If you found it so disrespectful then why didn’t you block me?” This is childish and hypocritical. If you found their take so bad, why did you go out of your way to go to their blog, find the post, and then argue with them? Why didn’t YOU block them first so you wouldn’t have to see their takes? Why do people need to block you, to actively prevent you from interacting with them entirely, for you to not be rude to them?

People will have shitty takes and you will not agree with every post you see — that’s the nature of fandom. You can’t control how other people post or think and that’s annoying, I get it, but YOU can control how you interact with others. The way you were speaking to that person was so needlessly rude and hostile. Is that how you speak to people in real life? I’m so curious as to what your goal was in talking to them like that. Surely it wasn’t to convince any one of anything. Who would want to agree with someone being so dickish and annoying about something as inconsequential as the politics of elven aging? So, what was all of that for? Did that make you happy or have you just riled yourself up? Do you feel like you accomplished something by speaking to someone like that?

I really hate when people tear others apart for being wrong about fandom things. If you were wrong about something, do you think you would appreciate someone talking to you in the way you spoke to deepdragons? Or would you rather they approach you with respect and understanding? Golden rule and all that, yeah?

You did not have to seek them out and you did not have to engage with them. Next time, either speak to others with respect or just make your own goddamn post. Not everything needs to be a debate.

I also find it funny how you were coming at them for not being faithful for the lore or whatever and then, when someone with more textual evidence than you rebutted your statements and called for you to back up your claims, you were like “I can’t be expected to cite all of my claims like an academic paper!!” Fucking lol. The onus of proof lies only with the people you disagree with, huh?

Have you seen the original post? I'm guessing not because then you'd know that my reply pretty much mirrored the exact condescending tone used by the OP. I also didn't "go out of my way" to do anything. I've said so before and I'll repeat it again: I got an error while reblogging the OG post, went to check the person's blog for what's up with that and the first thing I saw was them calling people stupid for pointing out that They're Not Correct. I already had the post written at that point and I simply copied it from one tab to another. This is the internet, you post something publicly people can and will interact with it unless you stop them. I didn't block the OP because at the time I did not give a shit if they interacted with me or not, I was just setting straight misinfo I see regurgitated over and over again to the point I'm sick of it. Because of the attitude they displayed I was actually fully expecting to get blocked straight away myself.

I'm not actually a dick unless someone annoys me into it. Because sometimes people get annoyed and they're rude, that's just how people work. But I guess you know that? Since you're annoyed at me and wrote a whole essay trying to make me feel bad?

And just to finish this off.. none of my statements were rebutted. I got lore dumped on and half of it wasn't even interpreted correctly from the linked books. Yes, I don't need to cite like it's an academic paper because all the goddamn info needed was already in my first post. Astarion was not a child because he was a grown ass man with a government job. There's no basis for "Ascended Vampires can't love" because Larian homebrews their vampires so the written lore doesn't apply. That's literally it. People on this site just can't fucking read.

[painterofhorizons]

Not so random academia work rant under the cut

I've been so relieved when I had that talk with my boss about not finishing my PhD a couple of months ago. It's okay to not finish a PhD. It literally doesn't matter. I'm dropping out for a shitload of reasons, both personal and structural, and I'm good with it. My boss is okay with it even though she really wants to see me with the title because she thinks I deserve it which is really sweet of her. But we're fine, and we're still working together as long as they let us and we're still doing our very cool 3 year project we got funding for and it literally doesn't matter if I have the title or not. In the end it doesn't matter for her wether or not I'm having that title, we're a really good team anyways. So it was really good to have that "listen it just won't happen anymore" talk a while ago, get that off my chest and stop struggling with that stupid dissertation. I've been struggling with trying to do my PhD in two tries since 2015.it's time to move on.

Now another prof I had worked with recently was asking about how I'm doing with my PhD because one does a PhD at university of course. We're meeting for coffee next week to talk about other stuff but today she was already like "but why haven't you finished your PhD by now" and stuff, and I'm dreading having to explain myself to her.

If you look at the numbers, more people drop out of grad school than finish it. Even more so if you look at social background. There really are so many reasons why I didn't finish this, and every single one is valid, and I still feel like a failure and I'm still embarrassed to bring it up in academic context.

Like, I shouldn't feel this way! There shouldn't be shame attached to it! A person's worth is not attached to things like titles or accomplishments. And I'm doing a damn good job besides this stupid PhD. I'm good I'm my field even if I'm not good in doing a PhD. And most of the reasons why I'm not doing it anymore are structural and not even personal failures - and dropping out of grad school ain't goddamn failing either.

It should be enough and normal to just say "oh yeah I was working on a PhD but I'm not finishing it" and then go on with whatever you're doing. If I'm fine and my boss is fine it shouldn't be anybody else's business. I shouldn't have to explain myself, and it shouldn't be a bad thing. My reasons shouldn't matter to anybody else but me (and a bit to my advisor). I shouldn't have to tell my reasons to anyone. And yet oh gosh I don't want to have that talk with that prof next week. I just want to be like "yeah I'm not doing that anymore" and she nods and we go on with discussing the other work stuff where we want to work together.

I'm so tired about not fitting in at work. I'm so tired about all the ways academia is wrong or unjust or broken. I'm so tired of the struggles one faces in academia as neurodivergent and from working class and specific social and political upbringings that just damn, make things like finishing a PhD hard sometimes. It should be okay. It shouldn't be failure or a flaw.

I was so relieved I had cleared that with my boss and we're both okay with it, I don't want someone else to have an opinion on it.

People drop out of grad school, so what? Life goes on!

[mangodestroyer]

After living with a few roommates, I'm beginning to think that living with all*stic people, as someone on the spectrum, is not a good idea.

For the most part, I can find ways to co-exist with them at work and such. But in my own home? NO!! We have very different standards for what makes a place livable. Our brains are wired so differently that our communication styles are completely incompatible. Even if I do try to abide by whatever makes them happy, they will just be more inclined to assign malicious intent to me because they see something "off" with me. I've seen studies on this. NTs, who haven't gotten used to you, can immediately sense that you're different and dislike you as a result. They're less likely to see you as trustworthy and such. Even when they do get to know you, they sometimes never get over it.

I just have to remind myself that they don't understand. To not personalize it if I'm actually trying to make it work, and it just won't. Sure, some of them do actually end up "getting it," but for some, the concept of a*tism is too abstract. It's too different from the way they think and what they're used to, so it doesn't click. And quite frankly, they don't NEED to understand it. It doesn't affect them. It's not like I get NT behavior either. I literally studied them for years, and they still confuse me.

Needless to say, I am now working on getting accommodations for my ne*rotype. Since I am clearly not wired to handle college the way an NT can. And that's not to say I'm worse than them academically. I'm actually doing pretty well in that regard. But unfortunately, the way I am sometimes leads people to believe that I'm stupid. I just struggle with certain skills that come more naturally for NTs. And socially... well, let's just say I should probably be living by myself. Last semester, it's gotten to the point where some people have made me feel incredibly unwelcome and unsafe. It was a huge wake-up call. And tbh, I still feel a little resentful :/

Also, I have gotten lucky and found someone who seems to understand me better than most. I'm not sure if it's because this individual is more open-minded, or if they're ND themselves (they might be). All I know is that communication is SO much easier with them, and they also seem more inclined to view me in a positive light and give me the benefit of the doubt for my shortcomings. I imagine this is what NT/NT communication feels like. This has SERIOUSLY increased my standards for the kinds of people I want to have in my life. I realize now that I have been settling for situations with people where I'm the one putting in a fuck ton of work just for them to be okay with me. WHILE having tons of emotional needs neglected on my end AND taking some ab*se. This however? This was just EASY! I didn't have to do much to prove myself at all! In fact, I could be HUMAN around this person and even have pleasant, friendly conversations with them. And... I now get to do research with them! This is something I have observed with PLENTY of NTs talking to their superiors. Literally, doesn't matter what their skill level is, they can just charm their way into opportunities. Hell, they don't even have to be professional while doing it. Whelp, looks like I got to do the same. For once!

Once you find irl acceptance like that, you can't go back!

[project-sour-grapes]

Boring Grapes

I'm realizing that many of my failures in school are not because the material is difficult, but that I get bored. About 6 weeks into the semester, every semester, I stop doing homework early and I waffle on attending lectures. For a while, I had thought it was because I was stupid or the material was too hard. However, whenever the semester would end, and I would look back at the material that I had chosen not to complete, and not of it looked hard at all. I assumed something was wrong with me or maybe academia as an institution (which there kind of is).

Part of it is probably that it's a matter of my not sitting down to do the work. This is hard in itself; don't get me wrong. Focus is a skill and a hard-earned one at that. But I think the drop-off that I experience every semester is really a matter of, "What the fuck am I doing this for? Where is the real world application? This material is obnoxious and simple. I don't care anymore." And it is also mixed with the other ADHD thought that always come along of, "Maybe I want a different career, actually?"

How do I combat this boredom then? I'll tell you, what makes me NOT bored is being really good at things and helping other people. I like to help other folks in class learn things and inspire curiosity about science, math, and so on. You can't do that easily when you're in the middle of the pack academically. It's the best kid in the class/group/team who inspires other people and shows them what is possible. When I fall behind, then I'm like, "Welp, there goes my leadership opportunity." And then I spiral and never catch up.

It's like a symbiotic sense of entitlement. I want to help people, but if I can't help them, then I throw the baby out with the bath water and I sabotage myself. I don't like to engage in things for completely selfish purposes, and I can turn into a cynical, abrasive butthead when I use my more competitive side as the fuel for completing difficult things, if that makes sense. I do like to be so "ahead" on topics that I have energy left over to help others. When I spend all of my energy merely on learning a topic and don't have any left over to use the knowledge to help others, then I quickly get crabby and don't want to do anything. It's so fucking weird.

Anyway, so "not boredom" means being able to apply knowledge practically, applying it within a reasonable time frame (i.e. not ONLY 4 years from now after society has christened me with some credential), being able to help others, and encouraging others to learn it as well. I just need to see that whatever I'm doing actually helps myself or other people in a concrete way. Speaking of practicality, the way that I go about this is to:

not fall behind

actually sit down and learn the material and power through the mini-boredoms

learn extra things in order to tie the material to broader and more interesting life applications

For example, I am taking Ochem and have slacked on it for the past few weeks. I have not studied much and I put off the homework until it was too late. (Will probably get a C on the homework for this section.) Part of the loss of motivation was knowing that I did not know enough to be useful during group activities in class, which meant that I cowered away from talking to and working with others, which caused me to spiral downward and lose motivation even further.

Side note: another thing that bores me is doing things at the pace that others do them. I mean, eat the elephant one bite at a time, sure. But when things go too slow, I get bored and don't do them, leading me to get roughly the same grades as folks who actually can't grasp the material for the life of them, meaning that I look kind of average on paper.

Side side note: my career goals and motivations have had a shake-up over the past two weeks, since the election results have put me in a more precarious position as a trans person. Who knows if it will be illegal for doctors to treat me come January? Maybe all of my federal documents will have to be changed back to my birth gender? Anyway, everything is in flux. I think this shake-up will pose greater cost to productivity, GDP, and good will of the American people than whatever people thought they'd save both time- and money-wise. Imagine federal organizations getting a request from the president to have all 1.6 million trans Americans have their documents changed back immediately. The manpower, time, and money would be a waste.

The key to success for me seems to be being so good that I can help others and kind of occupy the cutting edge of whatever field I'm in. Getting unique opportunities tends to require being really good at whatever you're doing and/or knowing the right people (which means social skills). My brain is kind of mush right this second, but I think sitting down and becoming excellent at things is really what I need to do. I seem to have this particular realization multiple times a year in different ways, but for some reason don't stick with it. Or there is some lesson that I'm supposed to be learning from it that I'm not. I keep hitting the same dead ends. Will have to think about this one some more.

[appalchianesque]

First post

Hi Tumblypoos!

My name is Tate and I've decided to start a blog dedicated to my academic writing and shit like that. I wanted a place to publish publicly my writings because I'm an attention whore and also because what is the point of writing a bunch of pretentious academic shit without other people to read it and think you're stupid and/or argue with you? I wanted to start a wordpress, I think I'm going to still, but I'm way more familiar with tumblr.

As a mentally ill individual, I've been using tumblr since 2015. I haven't been on for a few years, but I'm back because this is a familiar environment and I know I can swear and basically say whatever I want because way worse has, and will, be said on here. As much as I would like to only be strictly feral here, I think I should have some type of decorum, so I will not be indulging on my personal life and shit talking those I hate, that I know personally. Public figures are fair game. As a tumblr veteran, most, if not all, of my personality and sense of humor are derived from this website, with that being said: I am 25, so essentially geriatric when it comes to the niche culture on here so if what I write comes across as buzzfeed millennial in any way I will be very insecure, and also probably book an appointment to have myself put down. Unfortunately, this is my inner monologue and I fear it may be too late anyway.

I'm very slowly pursuing history and english literature degrees, I think they're fun (hence the hobby blog) and wanted to go to school for something I thought was fun. I'd like to go back for human resource management and tourism and hospitality. I can defer my loans longer :) and I think I would have a wider range of job opportunities in more interesting places. I love Appalachia, which is why my blog theme is centered on that region, the user name, my literal living identity, etc. etc., but I don't want to never not leave, and I would have a better appreciation of it when I come back.

I live very close to the midwest, so in driving through (to buy my weed in Michigan (which I smoke all in Michigan before going home)) I like to compare and contrast the differences between where I live, and how people in .. Ohio .. live, the differences between western and Eastern Pennsylvania, architectural variation across the East Coast. Shit like that. Its all very niche and localized because I've never been anywhere else, and I don't frankly care that much about the cultures of the rest of the US like I do the Midwest, Appalachia & Southern states. They're important, they do have influence on these regions, obviously, and I will give credit where its due but I'm not here for them.

My mother's family is from Ohio. This portion of my family derives from Ireland, Germany, and Czech/Slovak regions. My father's family is Italian. These things are a part of why I do what I do, I think its important to the hard work and perseverance of all of my blue collar family members and what they did to get me where I am today. With the way the US is set up, after a certain point, those cultures were diminished and erased, I know nothing about any of them and so I hope that in this way I will be able to better know and understand what they went through, and who they were.

Furthermore, I love food, clothing, and cultural trends. I firmly believe I can sus out someone's vibe by the shoes they're wearing, and I think that its something that comes with practice, experience and observation. I'm a restaurant industry person, and a food person in general. I'm working on a West Virginian themed cook book, that I can start on again when the spring rolls around because there will be edible things out and about. Not animals, I'm not killing animals. So anticipate recipes and shit like that. I am also a movie snob in the worst way possible, I believe every movie I like and them all together is the best movie curation ever, and those that I don't like are bad for good reason. This is, obviously, not true, but its fun to feel like it is and I'm not ashamed to admit that.

I overuse commas, and I will not apologize or adjust to that. They make sense to me in my head and I am the most important person to me, especially here.

Love u tumblypoos xoxo

Tate :) <3

[queerofthedagger]

You followed be back after I followed you and then unfollowed me a few days later?

I'm assuming that this is a question about why I unfollowed you again.

Short answer: come off anon, and I will tell you exactly which post it was that you put on my dash that made me decide I didn't want to see more of you.

But because this is something I have strong feelings about, because I've had a bunch of asks about this that I've ignored, and because you were only slightly rude, the longer answer is: fanfiction, and fandom as a whole, is a hobby of mine. I do this to unwind, to have fun, to enjoy myself. As such, I'm very, very particular about curating my experience on here. If someone follows me and I feel up to it, I'll check their blog to see if I might want to follow back (side note: a lot of times I won't have the time or energy and won't do this at all). I won't follow back if the initial scroll of someone's profile shows me they have a bunch of stuff I don't care about, or has takes about my favourite shows and/or characters I disagree with.

I will block someone if they have nothing on their blog, if they display antisemitism, racism, transphobia, queerphobia, etc., or if they so much as vaguely allude to buying into the belief that 'some' ships or themes in fiction are immoral. Yes, that includes the "icky stuff". Yes, this includes the stuff I personally don't want to read. If you think that there are any topics in fiction and/or fanfiction that people shouldn't write about or enjoy, I will block you on sight.

Again, this is my hobby. I do not use tumblr for politics or whatever. This doesn't mean I don't care, it simply means that I consider tumblr the worst possible medium to do anything about it. In a broader sense, beyond specific topics: you're entitled to your opinion. I'm entitled to thinking that you are mighty stupid, and to prevent myself from having to deal with your bad takes.

If I haven't blocked you but only unfollowed, you probably posted and/or reblogged takes about shows, books, or characters I care about that I don't agree with. I cannot say this often enough - I am here to have fun. I'm not here for discourse, I'm not here to see people drag things that bring me joy. I'm not saying you're wrong, even if the petty part of me thinks you are. You are here to have fun too. But I don't want to see it, plain and simple. I don't have to. If you get on my nerves through the tags or through other people's reblogs, I will block you for this too. Yes, I'm merciless about this; the number of blogs I've blocked goes far, far into the upper hundreds, and this isn't counting tags and blacklisted words.

This is called 'boundaries'. I'm an adult at the far end of my twenties. I have a work life, and an academic life, and a family life, and a social life, and a life dedicated to my hobbies and the things I care about, etc etc. There is only so much time I am able to spend on here, and I want to spend that time being happy about the stuff I enjoy. I don't care if you disagree - it is your godgiven right. Mine is not to engage with it.

Now, you might say, there is no way that none of my mutuals ever put something on my dash that I disagree with. And that's true. Sometimes, someone I've come to value as a friend puts something on my dash that makes me go 'bestie wtf is up with you.' Unfortunately for you, I guess, I'm human and there is this thing of 'stuff I will tolerate from my friends and/or people I like, but not from strangers.' I am lucky enough to have made some great friends on here. On top of that, there are some people I have rarely talked to but whom I am fond of anyway. They get some leeway, although that being said, that too has its boundaries.

If I have only followed you a few days ago, though, and you put something on my dash that makes me pull a face, I will unfollow you. Consider yourself important enough that it was so bad, I clicked on your profile to do so. Consider that it wasn't so bad that I actually blocked you.

Now, is this 'fair' in an ethical, equitable sense? No. I nowhere, ever, claimed to be that, while curating my goddamn tumblr feed. I'm not the government. I don't have to be. You don't have to be! You can unfollow, hell, even block people because they reblogged that one post that really raises your hackles. In fact, I do think you will be happier for it.

This is supposed to be fun. if anything about it isn't fun, get rid of it. It's not a debate in congress. It's a barely functioning hellsite about fictional brainrot that doesn't let any of us go, but that we love despite (or, actually, because of) that. Just block me. It's a little bit vindictive and feels great, I promise.

[anime-corner]

I'm Here | Oikawa T.

A/N: Hey guys! I'm back (hopefully for longer since classes are about to end). Anyways, this one's a bit shorter than usual. I hope you like it!

"Yahoo! Knock, knock~ Sorry, practice finished later than usual!" Oikawa called out but was only greeted by darkness, "(n/n)-chan?"

The house was still, not a single noise was heard. Oikawa doubted that you would leave without texting him, it was practically tradition to crash at your place every after school. He looked around, stealing a loaf of bread before heading upstairs. Dim lights could be seen from under the closed door as Oikawa turned the knob, inviting himself in as usual.

"Hey, Iwa-chan told me that-- what are you doing typing, er writing, whatever it is you're doing in the dark?!" He bellowed, flicking the light switch on. A hiss escaped your lips as you momentarily closed your eyes to adjust to the lighting.

"Shut up, Tooru. I'm kind of busy at the moment so if you don't mind, I'd like to finish all of this tonight." His eyes glanced over at the stack of papers on your left as your right hand hovered on top of another, gripping on a pencil tightly. Your left hand was typing away as fast as it could.

"What's all these? Haven't you finished the assignment yesterday?"

"Well, yes but, this one's for the student council. I need to file a report and it needs to be passed at midnight." You then gestured towards the paper, a bit crumpled with the many times you wrote the wrong formula, "And this is for Monday's class presentation."

"And these?" He pointed towards the stack of papers.

"That's…" You blinked a couple of times before responding, "I think it's the ones from the council three days ago that I haven't checked yet. Anyways, I'll handle that after I'm done with this."

"How many hours of sleep did you even get?" He asked.

"What? I don't think my sleep schedule has anything to do with this, Tooru." You answered, not taking your eyes off of your work.

"Just tell me." Oikawa insisted, sitting on your bed as he stared at you.

"Fine. Around two or so? I'll give it a three since I've been running on coffee since I woke up." His brows furrowed, worry etched on his face if only you took the time to look at him.

"That's not good, (n/n)-chan. Come on, I'll finish that." You shook your head, still not lifting your gaze away.

"No way, you had practice just minutes ago! I'm perfectly capable of finishing these within the day if you just so let me. Now shush-- hey!"

"I mean it, (y/n)." You huffed as you glared at him, "You need your sleep. I'll wake you up before dinner."

"What? No! I can't, Tooru!" You protested, standing up from your seat as you felt a slight pain from your head. You shook it off as nothing, "Tachibana-sensei's breathing down my neck saying she'd be the reason why I wouldn't be graduating this year."

"You still have a day to go before classes start again on Monday. You don't need to rush everything today--"

"Haven't you been listening? The report is due tonight. These," You gestured towards the stack of papers, "Might as well be due at the same time. And after this one, I've also got to revise my notes. I'm falling behind, Tooru and I don't want to hear anything from my mother once I move back."

"You won't (y/n), trust me. You're the smartest girl I know in school and probably the busiest one. I'm sure she'd be proud of you--"

"You see, that's not enough. I need to get my grades up, a bit higher than now." You countered. You retorted, huffing in annoyance at how the setter wouldn’t leave you all alone.

"You don't need to. What you need is to calm down a bit. You know that--"

"Will you stop it, Tooru!? You just don't get it, do you?! My parents thought that I would get into Shiratorizawa and what did I do? Fail the exam!" You bellowed, standing up from your seat as the male stepped back a bit. You stood up, voice raised as Oikawa stepped back, "My mom wanted me to at least be at the top during my first and second year, to at least in her words, redeem myself. But I failed on that too. Now, you're telling me to calm down? To take a break? Well, I can't. I've got my family's voices screaming at me saying I should do better! Do you know how--"

"You're crying, (y/n)..." Oikawa whispered as he placed a hand on your cheek, his thumb wiping away the tears. You lightly pushed him back, rubbing your way with your sleeves. He pointed out. A hand lay on your cheek as his thumb wiped away a tear, you pushed him away after, wiping it away with your hands.

"S-shut up. I'm not crying. Just… leave me alone for today, Tooru. I'm really busy and I can't afford to let all of my hard work turn to dust."

"I'll help you."

"For the last time, I--" He cut you off.

"Just let me help!" He was already frustrated seeing the girl he adored so much struggling with her life.

He knew of her problem with her parents and most importantly, he knew the conflict she had with herself. He knew that feeling more than ever. And he didn't want her to feel the same way he did during that time.

And he was afraid that, while it might not cost her a knee, she might lose so much more if she continues. Perhaps, her eyesight or her health. Worst case, her life. And he wasn't going to let her get to that point.

"If Iwa-chan was here, he'd know what to do… but he isn't. And I don't want to disturb him too. I'm just trying my best to help you, because I understand, I understand you the most out of everyone," He walked closer, enveloping you in a hug as the two of you sat on the floor, "You just want to prove something but, you're all fed up about everything. You're trying your best but I guess, to others, that's not good enough."

Tears slowly dripped down from your face once again as you buried your head on his chest, gripping on his jacket, "Why can't you leave me alone, Tooru? I don't care if you get me… I just want to be left alone."

"I'm staying, (y/n) and that's final. I'm not going to let you carry that burden all by yourself anymore. I'm here, remember? I'll help you," Oikawa whispered in your ear as he caressed your back, "You're, besides Iwaizumi, the one I treasure the most. I care about you and I don't want you to suffer like this when I know that I could have tried and saved you from it."

"Why?" That one question made him silent for a while as you looked up at him.

"I… it's because…" He sighed, making you somewhat dread and anticipate the answer at the same time, "I love you, you know that? And while this might possibly be-- ah, who am I kidding? It's the worst time possible to tell you this, I don't think that I'll be able to get another chance like this."

"T-Tooru… I…" You started but went silent as he brought his hand up.

"Please hear me out?" He inhaled before opening his mouth again to speak, "I… I want to support you (y/n), the same way you and Iwaizumi did all these years, especially during the time when I overworked my knee. The two of you were always there. So, let me be there for you too."

"It's just not easy when you've been doing everything yourself for most of your life…" You gulped, avoiding his gaze as you clenched your fists tightly.

"I know. But, I really do love you. And I promise that you'll never regret choosing me unlike how I regret eyeing up girls when I knew that you were right in front of me the whole time and they'll never be you. They'll never be as hardworking, caring and overly kind as you. You're perfect and so much more. Because everything means nothing to me if I can have you to call as mine." Oikawa said, moving a strand of your hair away from your face.

"Even the nationals?" You asked, teasing him a bit.

"I… okay, maybe not the nationals. I still want to beat Ushiwaka and all. But that's besides the point," He shook his head, placing his chin on top of your head, "You're amazing and beautiful, even when you think you're not. And I'm really sorry for confessing at the worst time possible. But, believe me when I say that I love you."

"Why are you… confessing now?" Somehow, this question made him think. It's not like he hadn't practiced his answer in the mirror for a million times, making sure it was perfect to his ears. Not at all. But, given the situation, he'd have to abandon that script and start a new one.

"Well, it just pains me to see you doing the same things I did before, even though your academics and my career as a player are two different things, and I thought that if I manage to successfully tell you how I feel, I could somehow help you carry all of this. Because by that time, I would hopefully be your boyfriend." Oikawa spoke genuinely, moving one of his hands from her back to her head, stroking her hair.

"You don't need to be my boyfriend to help me, you know."

"I know that but you just make it so difficult, argh! Everytime I see you frustrated, I just wanna hug you and kiss you and then take over your work while you rest. But I can't do that as a friend! So… so..." Not that he thought about it, what he said sounded stupid, "Yeah, I know. It's a dumb excuse."

"You're an idiot." The third year laughed out loud.

"I know, Iwa tells me that all the time." You lightly hit his shoulder, hiding the smile that was threatening to show, "At least I made you smile right?"

"I guess you did, Tooru. I guess you did." He hummed in satisfaction before something else you couldn't quite figure out what was etched on his face.

"I'm not going to force you to answer my feelings right away, (y/n)-chan. I can wait." He stammered.

"Why wait when I feel the same way? I love you too, Tooru." He perked up suddenly, making you hide the massive blush on your face.

"Wait, really? You're not joking right? (y/n)?" The setter found you fast asleep, whether or not you were faking it, he wouldn't know. He only chuckled, kissing your head, "Alright… I'll let you get some rest. You deserve it."

He carried you over to your bed, tucking you in. His hand lingered on your cheek, a smile on his face as he whispered.

"Dream of me will you, (y/n)-chan?" Oikawa stood up straight, eyes darting towards your mess of a desk, "Now… which one did she say she needed by midnight?"

Let me hold your hand and carry the same burden you hold. I'll always be here, even if you push me away.

[malfoymania]

LOYALTIES | 4 | D.M

masterlist

CHAPTER FOUR

LILY KINGSLEY

The next morning when I wake up, I feel the sting of sleeplessness in my eyes. It took me hours to get to sleep, and once I did all I could dream about was Malfoy.

I slowly get ready for the day, not bothering with any makeup. Nothing is going to cover these bags even if tried. I slip on my robe and grab my wand before collecting the books I needed for todays classes. My first period was a new class that I hadn't yet been to since the start of the term: Potions with Professor Snape.

When i'm heading down the stairs into the common room, I hear the clatter of voices that fill me with dread.

"Morning Slytherdor! I'm surprised you still live in these dorms" Blaise shouts, earning a laugh from the rest of the boys. I don't respond but just huff in disgust and carry on down the stairs.

"I know, it's a shame they don't just put her in Gryffindor. No one wants her here anyway." Golye adds.

If I said their words didn't hurt me I'd be lying. Yes, i've never actually wanted to be in Slytherin, however my father was in this house and I have never actually done or said anything to hurt anyone. I swallow back the lump in my throat and head to breakfast, trying to ignore the immature giggles from behind me.

"Morning" Harry smiles as I take a seat next to him. Hermione and Ron are sat opposite, tucking into what looked like egg on toast.

"Bloody hell Lily, did you sleep last night? You look awful" Ron asks, mouth full of food.

"Wow thanks Ron, you look lovely too" I grimace, grabbing a slice of toast from the centre of the table for myself.

"What's up Lils?" Harry asks quietly, but both Ron and Hermione are listening.

"Malfoy's what's up" I mumble.

"Is be bothering you?" Hermione pushes, getting slightly angry at the possibility of him making me upset.

"He always bothers me, but it's as if he's trying one hundred times harder to make my life hell this year and it's only Wednesday."

I proceed to tell them about what happened last night. How he cornered me and called me by my first name. How he threatened me with his new prefect position and whispered in my ear. Harry and Hermione couldn't believe it. Ron however, lets out a laugh and nearly spits toast everywhere.

"Sounds like there's some sexual tension there if you ask me" He grins. I scoff and so does Hermione.

"Well nobody asked you Ronald" she seethes, giving him a glare to which Ron raises his hands up in surrender.

"It was not sexual tension. I loathe the boy. Everything that comes out of his stupid mouth makes me want to vomit." I roll my eyes and continue to eat but I have a horrible feeling deep down that Ron might be right. Sure, Draco Malfoy is the school bully, the asshole. But he's also the school fitty. He's gorgeous.

"Well I say you take the high road Lily, carry on ignoring him and you'll be fine" Hermione says, and I nod in agreement. I just need to stay away from him and keep myself to myself.

That plan didn't last long.

We're stood in a huddle at the back of Snape's class as he seats us for the next academic year, and he puts me next to none other than Draco Malfoy. Why wouldn't he? Out of all the students in the class he seats me next to him. It   would be crazy to think I could have been seated next to anyone else.

"Ignore Goyle, he doesn't know what he's talking about." Draco interrupts my thoughts.

"What?" I snap, not wanting to have a conversation at this moment in time.

"Earlier. It was kind of mean." I look at him to see if he's joking, but to my surprise it doesn't seem like he is.

"Since when did you care about what people say about me?" I retort, looking back down to avoid his stare.

"I don't" he quickly answers. "But I thought it was uncalled for that's all."

I don't respond. Mostly because I don't want to but partly because I don't know how to. I glance over at Harry who sends me a sympathetic look. Lucky bastard got seated next to Cho Chang, and we all know how Harry feels about Cho Chang. I raise my eyebrows back at him, directing my gaze to Cho and then back to him with a smirk. He blushes immensely and shakes his head before turning back around looking down at his desk.

"Potter got a crush then?" Malfoy asks, making me scoff.

"Gutted it's not on you?" I quip back, making him scowl.

"Shut up Kingsley. You think you're so funny."

"I know i'm funny." I respond.

"You're full of shit." He grumbles, opening the pages of his book. "I hate how you have an answer to everything."

"I hate how you have to comment on everything." I say, still not looking at him.

"You're a bitch."

"You're an asshol-"

"Good morning class. I will be your Potions teacher this year. Misbehaviour will not be tolerated." Snaps begins, putting a stop to mine and Draco's bickering session. "Turn to page 412."

We spend the lesson mainly in silence. Snape's lessons are often in silence, which isn't a bad thing considering who i'm sat next to.

When the class is dismissed I gather my things and leave the room as quickly as possible, trying to not spark another spat with Malfoy. Harry meets me by the door and we head off to our next class together.

The day continues as normal. Each lesson we slowly get back into the routine of school life and quickly forget about the real world back at home. I make a mental note to owl my dad this evening and let him know that i'm okay. He worries, and I promised him i'd keep in touch like I always do.

"How's your dad Lily?" Neville asks over dinner.

"He's fine thanks. Busy with work like always." I respond.

"Does he think Lord Voldemort's back?" Luna asks with pure curiosity. I try to swallow the food I just put in my mouth, but it goes down slowly and painfully.

"He um- yes he does." I say quietly, not wanting many people to hear.

"He can't say anything just yet though Luna, or he'll loose his job in the Ministry" Hermione adds, saving me from answering.

My father works along side the Minister of Magic, gaining his position there a few years after my mother passed away. He always told me how mum would have wanted to carry on making good in the world, so he's doing his best to do it for her.

"Well any way that we can help, let us know" she smiles, turning back towards her food. I look at Harry and I know he can tell what I'm thinking. He sighs and nods, giving us the all clear to start recruiting students to learn defensive spells. I look at Hermione and I can tell she's trying so hard not to combust on the spot, and i'm mirroring her actions too.

"Never mind her dad, I want to know how potions with Malfoy went" Ron grins, taking a mouthful of food.

"Why do you care so much?" I ask, annoyed at his constant obsession with the topic.

"Why have you gone so red?" He fires back. I immediately look away and touch my face.

"I haven't" is all I manage to respond with. "Besides, I spent the whole lesson arguing with him."

Thankfully the topic changes, and I finish my meal in peace. We manage to create a list of people who would be willing to join Harry's lessons and discuss where we will hold them. A productive meal time if you ask me.

After a few more hours of planning and discussing, I say my farewells and head back to the Slytherin common room just before curfew.

I'd prepared myself to be greeted by Malfoy yet again, but tonight there was no sign of him. I sigh in relief and lay on the sofa in the empty common room. I barely ever spend time in here, and when I do it's almost always empty. I don't have many friends in Slytherin. My roommates are okay, but they don't speak to me much. They're usually too wrapped up in their own conversations to even notice I'm there.

"Potions was fun." I hear from the doorway. I don't bother looking. I know exactly who it is.

"What do you want Malfoy?" I huff, closing my eyes to try and block him out.

"I'm having a conversation with you. What's wrong with that?" He responds, making his way over to where i'm lay.

"What is going on Malfoy? You hate me, and I hate you. What's with the sudden spark of interest?" I ask, now opening my eyes to see him peering over from the behind the sofa.

"You don't hate me Kingsley. I see the way you act around me. You don't know what to say half the time" he smirks. He's full of shit.

"I don't know what to say because you're a cocky, arrogant prick who thinks he can get whatever or whoever he wants. You're awful behaviour leaves me speechless" I scoff. He leans forward on the back of the sofa, so he's closer to me.

"Don't flatter yourself Lily. I would never want someone like you."

That's when my hand reaches up and smacks him right against the face. The sound of his skin against my hand echos around the common room, haunting me once I realise what I've done.

"Don't ever talk to me like that again Malfoy" I growl, the emotion laced within it clear that i'm holding back tears. I'm fucking furious, and I cry when i'm furious.

"Lily-"

"Don't call me that name. You don't deserve to" I snap, getting up and leaving towards my dorm, no longer being able to hold back the tears.

I hate Draco Malfoy, but what I hate even more is the fact that he's all I can think about.

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hey! thanks so much for all the support so far! it really means a lot☺️ let me know what you think so far in the comments!! there may be some draco and lily action in the next chapter ...👀

[muzaktomyears]

thank you for the tag in the Beatles fic questions, @dusted-0negin & @cinnamontoastandtears!! <3 Sorry, I've had this in drafts for a while but it took ages to write because it got so long....

Which is why it's all going under a cut:

Have you written rpf before, or are the Beatles the first you’ve ever done it for?

My main fandom is ancient history rpf of my academic area of expertise, which is rpf, technically, though that's so divorced from the modern day that even trying to write actual analytical history of it is so close to fanfic tbh. But I am a historian and I do try hard to make it as historically-accurate as I possibly can; I don't write the main pairing based on a book or film as most people do, but on the history as I perceive it. And I try to do the same here though obviously I don't take it anywhere near as seriously lmao (or I try not to but it happens anyway because that's just my nature). (Do message me if you want to read my other fandom fic, I'm happy to give out the name!)

What’s your favorite ship to write and why?

John/Paul (sorry, I don't like smushnames, I am Old), because it's so fucking ridiculous and drama-y and you can write any version tbh, angst or fluff or smut or whatever, it has everything at different times. I am also getting in to Paul/George though largely in an unrequited way (on George's side) and of course George/Ringo which is a lovely antidote to the ott-ness of John/Paul, though I've not yet written it as an actual pairing let alone published what I have written. (I've fallen in love with George/Bob too which I did not ever expect so maybe I will return to that...?)

Easiest beatle to write?

PAULPAULPAULPAULPAUL, a thousand times Paul. It does scare me a bit because I don't even try, or at least I don't think I do, I just think of a scenario and think 'What would I Paul do??' and it just comes out endlessly until I have to physically stop myself writing more (I don't always succeed). Not sure why but yeah, I think we are fundamentally very similar people and I hate that tbh. I was and still am scared to write John but he's actually not that bad when you get down to it... at least when riffing off Paul, from Paul's POV. I still haven't finished my first John POV fic though so we'll see, his internal life terrifies me tbh, who even knows what's going on there?? Certainly not him.

Hardest Beatle to write?

Oh, George. I was a bit worried that I'd written so much Paul, and planned/mostly written John and Ringo POVs, but I still hadn't managed to come up with a George POV no matter how hard I tried. Then the other week I had a perfect idea and wrote down notes for it and it ended up over 10 pages long lmao. Again, not fully written yet so we'll see, but I did find it easy once I got going, though I did have some issues with J&P trying to take over again... but that's sort of the point of the story. I hope I can finish it soon anyway because I really enjoyed even just writing up notes for it :) I'm not sure why I find George so hard (though it seems other people do too) - I think I am quite similar to him (though nowhere near as much as I am to Paul) and strangely it works the other way round, I therefore find him harder to write. And I feel very sorry for him. I feel sorry for them all of course, but George and Ringo especially, and George most of all because he was stuck within those stupid dynamics for years before Ringo, and Ringo both because of that and by dint of his personality found it easier to disengage, where George suffered a lot in (not quite) silence, I feel, and writing his internal monologue of that wounds me to my core. I think writing break-up George would be acutely impossible for me. But yeah <3

Do you prefer to write in the original era or modern au?

Original. I will read Modern AUs and I've enjoyed them but I'm really here for at least an attempt at historical accuracy both in my own work and in other people's, so yeah. That's just my opinion though - Modern AUs are fine! Great, even! And I do like to see how people change stuff/adjust it. Just not my cup of tea.

What’s your least favorite pair to write and why? Elaborate if the reason isn’t incredibly negative!

I dunno because I haven't written many yet or at least not fully/published... I think it would be something like Paul/Dot which was just absolutely awful for both of them but especially Dot, who I am so so glad got out tbh. But we'll see.

Do you read or write more?

I read more. Though it does depend - I go through writing phases where I spent a few days/a week doing almost nothing but in my spare time, but even then I tend to read as well. I look at the main tag every day and I will give most things a try. Still haven't commented or even kudosed yet...... sorry! I will get round to it and there's a huge backlog of fics I have bookmarked (not an AO3, literally bookmarked on Chrome) to get through and comment on! <3 This summer when I have some time!!

Aus or canon compliant? If you prefer aus, what is your favorite to write about?

I do prefer canon-compliant because of the historian thing but... AUs are good too, especially if they're based on some slight divergence like 'what if x never happened/did happen?' and then it all just spins off from there. But then ridiculous AUs like what if they were in Star Trek also excite me lmao and I have at least three Star Trek prompts in my prompt list at the moment...

Is there a ship you like to see more of?

Tbh anything that's not any combination of the main 4. Like, a ship of one of them with a 'side character' can be way more interesting to me in terms of characterisation and dynamics. And even of two of the 'side characters' tbh even if it's a 'traditional' ship... idk. But in general terms: I am Obsessed with the John&Ringo relationship at the moment, not necessarily shippy but just their relationship as friends, plus the same (but less so) for Paul&Ringo, John&George, and (of course) Paul&George.

Is there an au/a trope you’d like to see more of?

omfg. Let me open my prompt document. Okay, here's a few I have either on the go or I intend to look at eventually:

- Mafia AU (obviously - the (less awful) inversion of the Kray fic, essentially!)

- Bodyswap where it's all four (and even other people too??)

- Philippines fic!!!!! Either where it all goes wrong(er) or just canon tbh

- Group therapy fic (lmfao)

- Social media AU (modern or an alt universe where they had Twitter in the 1960s idk) - mainly for Brian trying to monitor it all tbh

- Jelly bean incident fic (serious and/or crack)

- More random outsider POVs, either of famous people (I have Little Richard mostly written, and I want to do Elvis but that would take time to research) or just rando OCs (like their neighbours and stuff like that? idek)

- Just more Bob Dylan tbh, as POV character, as a side character, just being referenced, I don't even care, I love him <3

- We have quite a few 'back in time' ones (and I've written one too) but........... what about 'forward in time'???? IMAGINE THAT. >:)

Okay I'm going to stop there before I give away all my ideas lmfao (not really, I have at least 50 others oh god) <33

What’s a fanfic trope pet peeve?

Hmmm. Not sure because like I said, I will give almost anything a try, and I tend to be convinced to some degree by most things even if it's not my idea of the characters (esp re: Paul). But yeah the stereotypes thing gets old very fast, unless you do something very clever with it, and the wife-bashing or even just wife-ignoring tbh (or other character-bashing, even of guys). And the ones where you can tell that the author has an absolute fave that they put most of their effort into (though not always to great effect). I admit that I do this too (well, not much effort lmao) but I do try to write the others as well as I can and not stereotype them, especially in serious fic. This isn't only a problem in this fandom tbf - it occurs in every fandom, especially in the main pairing, and you wonder wtf people are doing writing it if they love one character so much that they see none of their faults and hate the other so that they see only faults. It's weird. But yeah.

Other little things: I feel that people tend to write people being too (immediately) forgiving of John&Paul, and not even of their weird relationship but just stuff like wanting to have careers in music when it looked like throwing their lives away. Especially thinking of Mimi and Jim here but applies to a lot of people tbh.

Also, not a trope as such but: the Americanisms do get to me because I am super petty, sorry! I don't immediately backclick or anything but it does pull me out of even the best fic. Some are very easy to fix (like 'closet' or 'couch') but others are harder to pin down if you don't have close knowledge of vocab. tbh I even dislike some Britishisms that I don't think are accurate to their place or time or class (especially). But this is just one of my many Issues that I have even irl with friends who call it a sofa and a lounge etc., so please ignore me!

Do you prefer to write one shots or multi-chaptered fics?

One shots. I have never written a multi-chaptered fic in my life in any fandom. I don't like not knowing where it's going, so I do have to plan at least an ending before I start writing. I've tried to get more into it here but it still terrifies me. I don't want to become the WiP-abandoner! :(

On a scale from 1 to 10 how much have fanfiction taken over your life?

Right now?? Like, 8. I have other stuff to be doing but it is always at the back of my mind lmao.

Do you have an author you look up to?

Oh god. I haven't been here long so I'm not fully versed in what's been written, especially a while ago, but yeah, I have so many. Sorry, I cannot list them or we'd be here all day but see my answer to the next question for some of them (though by no means all!).

What is a fic you can’t get tired of, no matter how many times you’ve read it?

I haven't re-read many as I don't have the time yet, but here's some that I have or am fully intending to read again properly (a lot of these authors I'm not aware of as having tumblrs, so please let me know if they do so I can link them here too!):

- 'metered' by @fingersfallingupwards - as I've said before this is the first thing I read in this fandom that made me think 'wow', and want to read more stuff like it

- 'What Happens in Cheshire' by cloudy_blue - because I love outsider POV more than anything and this is my favourite so far I think? (Also adore 'Tessellate' by the same author for similar reasons)

- 'Ignorance is Bliss' by bunnoculars - another great (and unexpected to me at least) outsider POV

- 'burning' by Keiser Franz/@dusted-0negin - for (the absolutely accurate) John's praise kink

- 'Mendips' by mrswinstonmccartney - because it's so well-written and I particularly love any Mimi-Paul interaction lmao (as you shall see.......)

- anything and everything by LouisWain1939 (dunno if you want me to link to your tumblr!), but especially 'Turn Me On Dead Man' which is terrifying and perfect

- 'swallow back that fear' by softsmilesandbrokenhearts - because Jim, I love Jim :( <3 This I feel is the peak level of Jim concern

- 'See Us In The Real Life' by RedheadAmongWolves - another excellent outsider POV that I ADORE <3

...that's just from a brief look at my bookmarks. So yeah. MANY <3333

Do you have a current fic obsession?

I mean, there's a lot, but right now the one I click on fastest whenever there's an update (and that is some competition!!) is 'You Like Me Too Much, And I Like You' - whoever is writing this, idk if you're even here, but I love you! Again it's not particularly how I see the characters but I just love how you're writing it and obvs I am here in the front row for any and all Paul whump haha <3

How seriously do you take fanfic writing?

On the surface not but then actually deep down I take it super fucking seriously, like, if I make one typo or mistake I WILL DIE. That is just my personality tbh. I am Paul and criticism hurts me :D

tagging: I shan't tag directly but please, other people, do this!! I did find it fascinating to analyse and I've loved reading other people's

nsfw bit below

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Do sex positions (top/bottom) effect your enjoyment when reading or writing a fic?

Yeah, to an extent. I have clear preferences for both reading and writing and I tend to in most fandoms but here it's not so bad... especially because I feel the John/Paul dynamic in particular changes over time and is inherently very switchy. I've only written top John/bottom Paul so far, which is my preference, at least at the beginning, which is what I've addressed so far, but it does and will change and I'm fine with both writing and reading that. (As opposed to my other fandom where it is VERY VERY set and I find it hard to even contemplate them switching........ I have tried but my brain just slides off it lmao - very different context though and power differential especially, though in ways also very similar)

Do you have a preference over who’s who at all? If yes, then what are they?

Like I said above, I prefer bottom Paul in almost any pairing (apart from perhaps Paul/George?? and like idk Paul/Jane but even then...), but that's just personal preference, not based on much (though I could argue it...), and for John/Paul esp it changes both within a current dynamic and over time. One of the whole attractions of that pairing to me is that aspect, that they're relatively 'equal' in that and in most other respects, or at least they are in an ideal world and sort of aspire to be but that doesn't always work out...

Is there a kink you have to fight back including in every fic?

Hahaha oh god. This fandom has (re)awakened a hell of a lot of kinks that I kind of knew I had but had never written myself because I'd never found an appropriate outlet for them. So that's why I've just been sort of HEY GUYS HERE'S THE WORST THING I'VE EVER WRITTEN, AGAIN :D - so idk about any one kink, but... yeah, I do think that I cannot ever just write smut, it has to have some stupid emotional aspect to it, especially at the end. idk. That's what I like to read tbh so I try to write it too, and most of the time I cannot help myself, it just ends up with a devastating last line that ruins the rest of it, thank you, brain!! It's like an anti-kink tbh.

Otherwise: dirty talk. I am OBSESSED.

When do you feel comfortable adding a smut scene in your fic, if it matters to you at all?

idk. Some (most) of them are literally pwp and the smut is the point, and I haven't tended to do longer fics anyway so I haven't had this problem of feeling 'comfortable' to add a scene yet... But generally I do not plan at all, I just let the Muse flow, so if one happens then that's that :)

[thevividgreenmoss]

I sympathize with and relate to a lot of what people talk about re: being/developing as an artist, making art & sharing it with the world, finding/nurturing a space to occupy & work & grow within as an artist, where you can meet and learn from and collaborate with other artists, where your work can be planted and hopefully grow to meet other human beings that'll hopefully meaningfully engage with it (and in a sense with you as well) + all the insecurity and confusion and conflicting motives weighing upon you due to the imperatives of having to continually process and navigate All That within the sociocultural-commercial-technological terrain within with art resides & is produced & consumed but like it always hits me sort of differently because I've never even operated at the level at which I'm able to assume or let myself assume that I could or should even make or want to make art of any kind in the first place? Let alone dare to even want to make a life occupying vocation out of it like even the most far fetched daydreaming about that kind of thing has always been reflexively shut down/preempted inside my head which like I've never reacted that way to other people entertaining similar concerns for themselves like I genuinely get excited and interested when that's the case...idk but like anyways ruminating upon implications of various means and ways of being/becoming an artist and making art and negotiating the endless contradictory pitfalls that arise during that pursuit almost exists at a higher level of insecurity or uncertainty than that which I immediately occupy like the question of any meaningful level of artistic pursuit is off the table so the myriad subsequent questions and considerations that present themselves during the course of that pursuit might as well exist in another world altogether idk I guess I'm the same way with like jobs and career stuff and I was always the same way with academics but I don't care for or have any interest in careers or academics for their own sake but I do care about and love art and writing and music and whatever the fuck else...I guess sensing pretty early on that the option of doing something relevant to these interests in school and/or spending some formless part of my 20s/30s scraping by while trying to make something happen for myself even at the most nonideal level of creative life wasn't available and like there wasn't ever any outlet for that shit or even thinking of finding/creating an outlet for that shit even if it would ultimately have to be abandoned, perhaps prematurely perhaps not. Idk what my point is with this like what even is art maaan amirite but like ionno I guess as with everything else I'm too stupid to at least stop actively bothering myself turning it all over in my head when realistically it doesn't and never would have made a difference anyways like I have to work and spend 6-12 hours a day having obsessive compulsive disorder and not having anything else take up space in my head other than psychotically convoluted intrusive thought rube goldberg mechanisms and seriously though what even is art tbhonestly making and having friends is an art when you think about it and it's one that I've chronically revealed myself to be an abject failure at like spend even more time worrying about that than like idfk what if I made something someone else liked and thought was cool

[daddy-socrates]

okay I'm curious Why did you mention salior uranus in your thesis?

THANK you for asking because i love to talk about it hehe >:3c buckle up

back in undergrad, i was invited to do a senior thesis. i wanted to do mine on language and gender because my (problematique fave) professor whose class got me into the field at the start just... wouldn't use my pronouns. she's very bad at using pronouns and frankly i think she does not understand limits. a philosophy of language class does not mean you get to just say ~whatever.~

basically, this project was borne out of "hey! use my fucking pronouns :))" i had (have) pretty severe "i can fix her" disease :// i....... was not a really great student in undergrad. people who have followed me since then can probably attest to that through my personal ramblings. my advisor (a different professor) was disappointed in me like the whole way through and i live in constant fear that she will find this blog and go "oh! thats why you didnt pay attention in class, dumbass :)" (though maybe she would see this post and say "oh.... growth :)" who's to say)

but see, though i struggled to get myself to stay engaged in my advisor's class, both she and that problematique fave had assigned texts that would lend themselves beautifully to my dream project - even though i just..... had a terrible habit of misunderstanding readings to basically an absolute inverse degree. like it's a chronic issue. maybe i should have figured out "this is what im understanding so the opposite is probably more correct." i'm working on it, though, and i'm better at getting it the second time around now that im in grad school. ^^;;

SO this brings me back to my thesis: basically, why does language matter? one of my chapters was about representation. i talked about janet in the good place reminding people every day, "not a girl." i talked about haruhi fujioka from ouran high school host club, "i don't care if people see me as a guy or a girl. it's what's on the inside that's important." i talked about stevonnie from steven universe, being the first fusion to be addressed with they/them pronouns. i talked about jesse and james from pokemon and their frequent "gender swapped" costumes. and, at last, i talked about sailor uranus - tenou haruka - using both masculine and feminine self-referential language and presentation.

the thesis statement of my tragically mediocre thesis paper is basically "when you have access to language, you can better describe your experience and understand the experiences of others." you can come to a stronger self-understanding, form connections with others who share some traits, discover community, come into support, enact change, and so on.

the paper im writing "writing" right now for my epistemology class is pretty much an elevated version of that, though i'm focusing less on gender identity and discussing like.... more like the "concept of identity" itself. one of my first grad classes was hermeneutics - the study of meaning, where it comes from and where it leads - and there is so much ~delicious~ overlap between the texts for that class, those from the undergrad class on language, the undergrad class on gender and intersectionality, and my current class. my current paper is on "epistemic injustice;" that is, lack of access to language (whether deliberately or unconsciously through systems that no single individual person had set up) puts people at disadvantage for the huge sector of life that they otherwise could understand.

ALL THIS to say, i was a snarky asshole in undergrad but i have very real investment in media representation. if i had watched she-ra before i presented my paper, i would have included double trouble (my beloved), and i have yet to watch owl house but i see there's another they/them? we love they/thems <33 i am always thinking back on when korrasami became canon, how that was a huge moment of positive bisexual representation. i think about sophia in orange is the new black, introducing to a more adult audience different layers and kinds of violences that she and other trans women, especially she as a black trans woman, are uniquely at risk for.

my graduate school thesis is going to diverge a bit from the language of justice and of personal and group understanding to an even broader scale, though i am going to have a lengthy chapter on the matter. (literally like one hour ago i emailed my county representatives to say "hey, the training material for my substitute teaching agency Fucking Sucks, how can i help bring appropriate language and subsequent recognition of mentally ill, neurodivergent, and disabled folks to the stage?")

the many forms of the philosophy of language is what sparked my passion for the field, and i want to give language to those who may have difficulty understanding texts like i do. i want to take all that i am learning and share it as best i can with others, or at the very least, use it to aid my interactions with others. that's why i have this stupid tongue-in-cheek blog in the first place! academic shitposts and some current social and political events are so important to share.

i do have a side blog for fandom shit since i wasnt smart enough to make that the main and this the side, so fan artists see @/daddy-socrates liking their posts and i am So Sorry About That but like... i don't want to take everything in life so, so, gravely seriously. OBVIOUSLY there are subjects and scenarios that are not to be joked about, but i think we get so bogged down in the severity of all the global problems that we forget to play around a bit. purposely putting a handful of anime characters into my undergrad thesis was my way of being both playful and highlighting how fun is a critical social learning tool. it may well have been the only really solid thing about that project, honestly. i hope that in the future i can revamp it, using what i have now.

so............. that was WAY more than you asked for, but there you have it, my whole raison d'être. :'^) thanks for asking, hope i made sense

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Hello! I'm pretty sure I saw you mention a while ago that you were disappointed by confessions of the fox, would you mind explaining why? I've seen mostly good things about it myself. If I misremembered then I'm sorry and I hope you have a good day :))

I think this is one of my less popular opinions. And I understand - we so rarely get historical fiction with trans folk as the titular character (indeed, we rarely get any fiction what that). So I get people’s desire to laud it. 

For me though? It fundamentally didn’t work as a book. As a story.  

Let me count the ways. (Apologies in advance for the length of this.)

First: If you’re trans-ing someone who was historically cis instead of seeking to find a real, historical trans or gender-nonconforming person, I have questions. 

Most of the questions can be summed up as: Why? 

I struggle with historical fiction that takes a cis person and re-imagines them as trans as if there aren’t already literal historical, real trans people out there whose stories can be told. It smacks as (unintended, well meaning) erasure of lived experiences. 

Jack Sheppard, to the best of our knowledge, was a cis dude. There were trans folk in London in the 1710s and ‘20s. You might have to dig a bit for them, but they’re there. Because trans folk have always been there. 

Second: Characterisation 

This is more personal taste, but I found Jack and his girlfriend Bess to be inexcusably boring. How a trans, thief and gaolbreaker in 1720s gin-soaked London can be written as boring is anyone’s guess. But he was. 

Jack had no real personality and I found his story to be uninteresting. Oh, he’s the world’s best thief and gaolbreaker, that’s nice. But on its own it isn’t enough.

He had few to no faults. Childhood trauma isn’t a personality. Nor is being trans. And the author relies heavily on gender + occupation (thief-ness) to equal personality. So it falls very flat.  

Bess, his girlfriend, is a mixed-race sex worker from the Fens (even though actual real-Bess was from Edgeware). She seems to only exist to demonstrate that Jack is good at sex. She also veers a little into the Mystical Woman of Colour Healer Who Aids The White Person on their Journey of Self Discovery trope. 

Neither Bess nor Jack undergo any real change in the book. They exist in a weird stasis and experience no development, despite living through some harrowing things. They’re wooden dolls who move through the story without really engaging with, or being influenced by, the things around them. 

The other “main” character is a modern Academic who “found” this supposed “manuscript” of Jack’s life and is annotating it. His story unfolds in the foot notes and it’s just so messy if not a bit contrived. It didn’t make sense. I think the author was trying to convey that the Academic was in a sort of dystopian future, but if that’s the case it didn’t work. And if that’s not the case, the entire inclusion of the Academic’s story served only to annoy and take me out of the reading experience. 

E.g. There’s a scene where the Academic is being taken to task by the Dean for playing stupid games on his phone during office hours and like honey, lapsed-historian/academic here, trust me the Dean doesn’t give a fuck what you do during your office hours so long as you’re in your office and students can come bother you about their poor marks. 

The manuscript is supposedly being sought after by this pharmaceutical company for nefarious reasons that never struck me as being entirely realistic/believable. Also, the university was spying on this non-tenured, slightly useless Academic as if he somehow mattered? Which made zero sense. Anyway, it was stupid and should have been ripped out of the final version. OR changed substantially. 

Jonathan Wild, the thief taker (main antagonist to Jack), is probably the only interesting person. 

Third: Lack of Follow Through, or, the Fabulism Was Not Used Well 

The book tries to blend in some fabulism to the world by giving Jack the ability to “hear” the thoughts of inanimate objects. This could have been fun and gone to some interesting places, but it failed to deliver. 

I personally found the shoe-horning in of “capitalism commodifies everything” to be sloppy and heavy handed. It was done with little grace and didn’t sit right given that we are dealing with the early modern period. Yes, you can use the past to critique our modern woes, but do it intelligently. Don’t slap modern points of view and understandings of things onto the past and expect them to make sense. 

Anyway, Jack spends the book hearing inanimate objects talk to him, asking him to “free” them, or something. And uh .. .it doesn’t go anywhere interesting after that. 

Also the correlation one can draw from these objects to, you know, slaves, is uncomfortable. Especially as it’s the cargo of the EIC ships that Jack hears. I don’t think it’s intended in any sort of malicious way, but the allusion is there and I always found it to be distinctly uncomfortable. 

Fourth: Misuse of Marxist Theory, or, More Heavy Handed Moralizing that Annoyed the Dear Reader because it wasn’t subtle and, more importantly, it wasn’t done intelligently. 

So, the author is an academic - studies 18th century lit. Which is readily apparent as his Academic (self-insert) character is, I believe, supposed to be a historian and uh ... you can tell that the author doesn’t know enough to wing that. E.g. How he interprets some of the laws and customs of the time. Instead of understanding the social, economic and, most importantly, environmental issues that gave birth to laws like “the corporation of the city of London owns the streets so you can’t muckrake” he chooses to understand them through a very 21st century lens (and a Marxist one at that. I know I’m perhaps a bit uncool for this, but I find the application of Marxist theory to the early modern period to be ... not useful). 

Do you know why, mid/late 17th century London passed these municipal laws? Because of the god damn fucking plague you numb nut. You absolute buffoon. It had nothing to do with “oh the City/government is evil and wants to own you” it had to do with the fact that no one cleaned the goddamn street. So the city took over doing it. 

Prior to this, in London, you were supposed to keep the street in front of your building clear of waste, debris, refuse etc. No one did this, of course. I live where it’s cold and snows a lot and people can barely shovel the 2 sq ft of sidewalk in front of their driveway in the winter. I dread the idea of an average homeowner being expected to keep the street clear and clean. 

Anyway, guess what dirty streets attract? Vermin. Guess what comes with vermin? Plague. Guess what happened in 1665/66? The great plague of London! 

17th century England might not have understood germ theory, but they did understand correlation. (Also, the population of London was doubling at the back half of the 17th century and streets needed to be reliably cleared for through-traffic reasons etc. etc.) 

ugh, sorry, that one in particular drove me up the wall. Not everything is a capitalist conspiracy. Especially when we’re talking about municipal by-laws from the 17th century. 

And I understand the temptation to read a lot of modern interpretation of words like “corporation” and “company” onto bodies that used these same words in 17th and 18th centuries. But the weight, meaning and connotation of “the worshipful company of merchant adventurers” is different from, I don’t know, “the tech company google” or whatever. The early 18th century is when we start seeing the birth of the stock market, of “venture companies” (i.e. merchant adventure companies), of a lot of the language and proto-iterations of what will grow to be economic institutions of our time. But it doesn’t mean they’re the same and that difference is important. Because Jack Sheppard is a man living in 1720 he’s not going to be having our modern 21st century critiques of capitalism because his engagement with the economic systems of his time would have been radically different to our own experiences. 

Fifth:  Unbelievable Top Surgery & Recovery 

So, Jack gets top surgery. In 1720s fever-ridden London. While quarantining in a brothel. 

And he lived! No infection! No tearing! He was up and about in a matter of days. I don’t remember if his nipples survived the operation or not but somehow Jack did. Without anesthetics! Or you know, any concept of hygiene. 

His Mystical Girlfriend Who Exists to Show How Good Jack is at Sex is also somehow Magically Very Literate and also Magically a Surgeon? and performs this surgery on Jack in the middle of a plague. 

The entire ordeal was so poorly handled in terms of believability that I literally set the book down and said “what the fucking fuck” to the empty room then drank wine before finishing the chapter. 

An aside, it is funny thinking about the quarantine chapters at this point. I read COTF when it first came out a few years ago. Sweet summer children, we none of us had any idea how to write quarantine scenes. 

That reminds me: the entire quarantine thing was presented as the government trying to control movement and take away people’s rights etc. instead of a very normal, typical response that cities had been enacting since 1350. Samuel Pepys, who lived through the 1665/66 epidemic, barely even notes the restrictions. He’s like just “hmmm I’d love to go to the pub but I also don’t want to die. so. *shrug*” 

At the time of the author’s writing, most of us in the western world had no idea how normal and day-to-day disease was for our ancestors and yes, sometimes there would be crackdowns to try and curb it if an epidemic hit. That was part and parcel of life. So again, Jack and Bess wouldn’t be like “ooooh we’re 21st century slightly libertarian lefitsts who think the government is doing this to control us and for nefarious purposes”. Much more likely, they would have been like Pepys and viewed it as nuisance, albeit a necessary one. 

Sixth: Overall Lack of Realism 

I think I’ve noted the big moments where I was like “no one in the early 18th century would think that I’m pretty certain”. This isn’t to say people didn’t grouse, complain about London government (and the king etc.), critique or question the world they lived in. They absolutely did! Regularly. With great verve and gusto, if the broadsheets are anything to go by. But their critiques, their complaints, suggestions for bettering life, are not the same as ours. Because how could they be? They lived in a different world, were responding to specific things, grew up hearing and believing certain things etc. 

Jack, aside from having minimal to no character, really did read like a modern slightly-libertarian leftist who was plunked into a novel that takes place three hundred years ago. 

In addition to unrealistic political views, his understanding of body, gender, sexuality and identity also read as incredibly modern. Now this is harder, because we have so few extant sources from that time on those who lived non-gender conforming lives, and from their point of view, so yes creative imagining and interpretation is the rule of the day for writing that. 

But, we do know how in general the average person engaged and understood gender and sexuality and that would, naturally, inform anyone whose experience was different. And that base line of “probably what a typical cis Englishman or woman felt about their body and identity” wasn’t present. At all. 

Indeed, gender engagement at that time was interesting. The concept of the body, the role of the physical body, how it was interpreted is absolutely fascinating and the author could have done some really cool things with that. But he didn’t. He went for slapping a modern interpretation onto the past. 

At this point, write a dystopian novel and make Jack a fictional character. That probably would have gone over better, for me at least. The conceit can remain the same: It’s the year 4056 and an Academic found a manuscript from the year 3045 when the Dystopia Was a Thing - and go from there. 

--- 

I think part of what made this very popular and why people seem so taken with it is that it reads smart. It reads like someone who has immersed themselves in that world etc. because of the slang and language used. 

Yet, for me, as someone who has studied this period extensively, especially queerness in London in the late 17th and early 18th centuries, it read flat and unrealistic. 

I was initially very enthused when I started it. There are some posts to that effect on my blog. But it very quickly went south. It tries very hard to be Radical and Smart and Subversive and Critiquing Everything and so I think it fails at the fundamental thing it should be doing: telling a good story. 

(Note: The book does try and address racism in London at this time. It also felt a bit forced. And Jack seemed to have no prejudices or preconceived notions about Indian and Black folk which isn’t realistic. Like, it might make him #Problematic but my dude, you’re writing a man born in 1702. He’s going to have some iffy views. That can be challenged! Absolutely. But they still would have existed.) 

---

Thank you for the ask! I again apologize for the length of the reply. 

[chiserendipity]

Why 2020 has Changed Me Forever - and Why I'm Grateful for That

*Warning, this deals with emotional and physical abuse, trauma and just is really long. Please do not reblog or repost this post.*

I'm just gonna say it. 2020 as a year has been terrible on a global scale with the pandemic, and the oppression of many people across the world. However, 2020 has allowed us to both reflect personally and on the world around us and demand change. I think that makes 2020 a great year for growth and shouldn't be merely dismissed because we couldn't go to concerts, have large parties, or the hot girl summer we hoped for. Real change is happening before our eyes, a movement for equal rights and to end the the endless cycle of oppression and suffering for not only the black community, but minority groups whether that be race, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, religion, those with mental or physical disability, the poor, and so many more. Yes the world is seemingly in shambles. But guess what? We have nothing but time to try and fix it now. To demand better. Both for our communities and ourselves.

Personally, I feel 2020 really pushed pause on my life and asked me "what are doing?" "why are you doing this to yourself?" and "what do you want from life?" I began looking at what I had become and I was disgusted with myself and how I decided to try and cope with past trauma. Before corona, I found myself in a very dark place mentally with seemingly no way out. I would have panic attacks repeatedly and just cry myself to sleep many nights (despite not getting very much). My endometriosis was continually getting worse with every flare up (probably from all my stress). I had no direction and very little motivation to continue.

Then, the virus hit. Once I was sent home and online classes began, I had time to stop and catch my breath. To look around at my life and really ask what I was doing wrong. As young people we tend to give ourselves a pass for poor behavior and bad decisions, or even encourage it. I realized I was falling victim to my own anger, bitterness, anxiety, and depression that had haunted me for years and it was finally rearing its ugly head. I had been suffering from depression and anxiety for years but that spring semester while still on campus was different. My moods began to swing from a hyperactive anxious state to a haunting and chilling depression that made me want to stay in my room and hide. I didn't really get much sleep in either state. But, now back home all alone and with nowhere to go. No class to dive head first into. No parties to dance the night away. No kickbacks to chill at. Just me and my monstrous thoughts. At first my overwhelming thoughts were suffocating. I would question "what is wrong with me? Why can't I get my moods under control? Why must every facet of my being so overwhelmingly broken?" Then as classes began to finish, and with the help of antidepressants, I finally started to feel a shift. I started unpacking my compartmentalized trauma I had shoved away for years in a desperate attempt to leave it the past. People always say the past is the past, but the past will never not be apart of your journey. Without properly dealing with the past, it'll always show up again in your present reeking havoc in your day to day life.

With meditation, therapy, medication, and a lot of self reflection through videos about helping your inner child, I realized I didn't know me. My life had always in some way shape or form been controlled by others. I was assigned the role "golden child" by a narcissistic father who demanded I perform that role perfectly. Even as a child, I was taught to ignore my pain and sadness and push through, because my feelings didn't matter. I was fed, lived in a nice house and had nice clothes and whatever I asked for. That was enough to prove my father’s love for me; in his eyes. I lived merely to please. As I aged this mentality seeped into my romantic life as well. My feelings always came last so I began to simply just turn them off until I became an emotionless shell. Acting as a robot, I went to school and grinded myself to the bone in all my AP and IB classes. Joined all the community based clubs and took leadership roles. At 16 I even got started working 20+ hour weeks. Meanwhile, I had to surgeries courtesy of endometriosis. The first was a emergency surgery due to a ruptured ovarian cyst and the second to dislodge my right ovary from my abdominal wall since the endometrial lining cemented the two together. 

I remember complaining about cramps and my father punched me saying, "Toughen up”. My father said things like that all the time and didn't want to discuss my chronic illness or mental health. When I was 16 I admitted to having suicidal thoughts and a previous attempt a few years back and he responded that was "white girl bullshit". Another time,my father cussed me out in a pizza shop for wanting a margarita pizza calling me a stupid bitch in front of everyone in the restaurant. He constantly mocked my choice for my major and university, saying that majoring in marine science was idiotic and I'd do better in political science and studying at Vanderbilt. Pain wasn't allowed. Feelings wasn't allowed. Choice wasn't allowed. Only thing that was allowed was to do the work expected. To be "perfect".

Finally I was beginning to understand that after being told my entire life that I was nothing more than robot with marching orders, the lack of orders now that I had cut my father out of my life was causing me to feel that I had no purpose at all. I had never known freedom, and it was was now suffocating me. Now knowing this, I was able to start retraining by brain and discover who I wanted to be. My feelings were valid. I wasn't just my report card or my ACT score or my medals and academic awards. My body while it doesn't function like it should, it is still worthy of love and respect. I wasn't insane for my moods fluctuating and I just needed help to get where I needed mentally to function. And that's okay. I had to start being me and living for me, not for the approval of others. Savannah the person, not the robot, matters. I matter.

This was when I had a spiritual awakening of my soul and ego, truly deep diving on how to heal from my past. I spent hours watching videos and discovering how to dismantle the false self I had created to appease those around me and stop acting as a emotional crutch for others whilst ignoring my own emotions. I began to recognize the trauma bonds I formed with exes and current friends. I choose to associate with those who encouraged these negative social responses and bad coping mechanisms. I was merely re-entering patterns that begun in my childhood.

From our earliest years, the ego is formed. Our deepest need is to gain love + approval from our parents + caregivers. The ego, in an attempt to protect creates a concept of self identity in alignment with what we believe will give us this love.We begin to say "I am smart" or "I am strong" or "I am bad at x." We internalize the beliefs of our parents about who we are + who other people are + how the world is. All of this ego identity unconscious. Because we are not taught about our egos, we are unaware they exist. So we operate as if we ARE the ego. This brings us a ton of our own suffering + shame. It makes us feel "stuck" + unable to escape our learned patterns. That's what ego does: keeps us repeating the past. Ego work is the process of questioning the ego stories that are just thoughts + not "reality." Becoming conscious to this allows us to access CHOICE in how we respond.

- @the.holistic.psychologist

Now aware of my ego and really getting to the heart of why I'm bad at sharing my feelings and why in past relationships I was described as "distant" and "inattentive" but also “good listener but won’t open up”.  Today, I can honestly say I'm no longer in that dark place I was before. I'm beginning to relearn the things I loved and truly appreciate them. I'm being the true goofy, silly, marine scientist I always wanted to be. I have friends who do care about me and I've tried to open up more emotionally. Of course I have a long way to go and constant improvement is necessary. 2020 allowed me to return to myself, not the burnt out, bitter and depressed woman I had become. I'm happy 2020 happened and for the first time in years, I'm excited for what the future brings.

[ghostofbambifanfiction]

hey sarah, just read your uni ask and I'm on the verge of dropping out for similar reasons and how did you get through it all? any advice? please

To tell you the truth, anon, because it was so long ago a lot of it has blurred together in my head.

What I do know is that I dropped out in early 2009 and did NOTHING but sit around my house feeling shitty and going online constantly until Halloween, when I got a job in my aunt’s business and started getting out of my house. Then I was okay for a while, but the problem with that job is that I was working with my extended family, the same people who enabled my parents’ abuse and choose to accept their lies—which for the most part painted me as an evil, demonic person who caused trouble for no reason—rather than believe me because that was easier. So I soon fell back into it, then fell in love with a guy who took pleasure in making me feel bad about myself. That relationship and that job both ended in summer 2011 and again I did nothing but sit in my bedroom until November 2012, when I became completely desperate and spontaneously moved to England with no plan, no money, no job, just a room in the apartment of some shitty dude I’d met on Twitter, and the change in my life/behaviour/emotional state was instantaneous. I mean, literally, things changed overnight. I got a job, excelled, made friends, fell in love with a decent person, all of that. I’d thought I had depression, and I suppose I did, but it was situational depression. I removed myself from the situation and like that I was cured. So I’m aware that my circumstances are unique. I’m aware that not everyone can just up and leave a bad situation. I don’t want to say to you “whatever in your life is making you feel bad, just leave it” because that’s irresponsible and I don’t know your circumstances.

What I DO know and CAN advise and what I know helped ME survive that part of my life: talk to people. Talk to your friends. If there are people in your life who love you and know you for who you are and are willing to accept that, try if you can to make time for them. My weekly lunch dates with my friend Andrew, my close relationship with my brother and my nightly conversations on Tinychat with people like @dorcasdeadowes and @ohpottermycaptain saved my life. Those beautiful people saved me, even when we were laughing over terrible fanfics or discussing stupid tv shows, because being friends and being supported by them did not require me to spill my guts and lay bare all of my pain every day—and I sometimes did do that, of course—but the interactions and the laughter kept me going and gave me a reason to feel like I had something. I had my relationships with those people, so by any person’s reckoning I had something marvellous. So I would always encourage friendship, if you feel up to it, because it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to tell them everything you’re feeling all at once. Sometimes it just means talking about something inane or meeting for a coffee to gossip.

Aside from that and speaking in practical terms I would encourage you to consider WHY you feel the way that you feel and think about what steps you can take to relieve the pressure on yourself. If that means dropping out, please remember that you—a human person—matter more than any academic achievement or check against your name and that there is always another path to travel in life. Speak to a doctor or a mental health professional if you can and remember to be kind to yourself. If you feel sad or depressed it doesn’t mean that you are useless or lazy or not worth the self-care it might take to meet a friend for coffee. I used to believe that about myself and I was dead wrong. Good luck and I hope that things really start to improve for you soon, lovely ❤️

[aceinthehellhole]

So, bad news. I'm not suspended.

Dean Crowely told me that I need to "be more aware" of what I post online because I'm "representing the school" now that I'm a student here.

Bullshit. I bet he has a private twitter where he thirsts over... Madonna or something. He looks like the type.

My point is, I get the feeling that he let me off easy. Which is TERRIBLE.

I tried begging him for just a little suspension, something I could tell my mom so she'd be disappointed in me and send me to- wait no fuck,, I don't wanna go to military school either.

I guess... I'm just fucked either way. Might as well be able to tweet about it freely without fear of "ruining" the military's reputation.

Speaking of getting fucked, my roommates are the worst.

Obviously everyone saw the tweet.

Jack was like "maybe you just need to get laid".

AS IF HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

Stupid Jack with his stupid muscles and stupid neck veins.

So I turned to him and was like "dude the absolute LAST thing I need is to have your huge sweaty meat stick shoved up my ass, okay?"

And then he had the AUDACITY to look offended by what I said. As if he wasn't the one being vulgar in the first place. Psh.

Jack isn't even the worst of them.

Deuce is the most annoying person I've ever met. He's at my side 24/7, following me around like a lost duckling, always asking me if I'm okay, and he even holds my hand sometimes. Gross.

What do I look like? A mama duck?

Okay, yes, I did cry to him about how unfair life is and may have fallen asleep on his chest, but that was ONE TIME. That doesn't mean we're automatically fused at the hip now. What is his deal??

And then there's Epel. That guy is so fucking weird. He barely speaks, and when he does, it's to make some backhanded comment about how I'm "pushing people away" and "ignoring the people who care about me".

AS IF anyone in this godforsaken school cares about ME.

Who is he to judge me like that anyway?? Rich coming from the guy who has no friends and refuses to talk to anyone. Sheesh.

The last guy in our dorm is Sebek. He's some kinda exchange student and he's almost as obnoxious as Jack. I get that they're dancers or whatever but do the have to be so RIPPED??

It's hard to focus on basically anything in our dorm when all I can hear is one or both of them grunting and huffing and getting all sweaty while they work out.

The only cool person in this entire school is - I KID YOU NOT - Yuu the janitor. I met them shortly after joining when I (definitely by accident) spilled 6 cans of spaghetti-os in the hallway. Don't ask.

I expected the janitor of this place to be A. some crotchety old man and B. the type to blow up in my face over spilled pasta. But Yuu was neither! They showed up with a mop and bucket on wheels, their pudgy black cat Grim perched lazily on their shoulder. While they started cleaning up the mess, all they said was. "Man, you must really like your o's."

And that was that. We instantly became allies in this cruel and rigorous hellhole of an academic setting, bonded over our shared love of cheap canned food.

Yuu has some kinda scholarship or something where they get free housing and food in exchange for cleaning up, which sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. If the position wasn't already filled, I would have begged Crowley to let me do that instead of "expressing myself" for a grade.

Speaking of which, I gotta get to something called a "movement class". Ugh. Pray for me.