#what they went thru. i wish them the best. this is so bittersweet | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tratserenoyreve · 2 years ago

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brat behavior aside its interesting that he went from this self-entitled guy with a god complex (idk the best description of how he is as scaramouche/kunikuzushi lol) who wants the world to know him, praise and kneel under his power, to this... person who simply fades into the background. how hyv tells about him sounds as if he doesn't see himself necessary to the world anymore, uncaring, a defined version of someone completely null and neutral to perspectives. just a wanderer passing by. and theres something bittersweet about that change as redemption even if he acts like a lil shit on it dhjshfhd

what's more prominent imo is scaramouche/wanderer has been in a cycle of metaphorical and literal self-destruction. he has repeatedly abandoned and reconstructed himself and it all started with his initial abandonment by ei which led to him fumbling his way thru figuring out how to exist as anything at all.

he learned how to breathe -manually-. him breathing at all is a courtesy done to try and blend in more, people aren't willing to converse with an obviously unliving doll. without any guidance, the kind of person kunikuzushi would become was framed by two things:

- his awareness of the fact that he was made to home a divine gnosis

- that he was declared inadequate for this purpose by his creator

thoughts get long/i went on a tangent so under the cut we go!

he may have eventually developed a god-complex in his pursuit of the unattainable, being "good enough" to suit the purpose he was made for, but the foundation of it all is in fact an inferiority-complex!

this is also present in his character trailer, where it ends with Wanderer approaching kuni, who is saying he wishes he had never been made at all, and essentially replies, "is that all?" Wanderer is willing to do what he's already done before, annihilate himself until it's "good enough".

he started off trying to appeal to humanity but ironically the implication seems to be that he's so sensitive to emotions that the heartbreak of repeat loss combined with him likening it to abandonment due to his own perceived inadequacy led to him choosing Full Nihilism. everything dies, so what does it matter? he is powerless to stop those close to him from leaving (dying) and interprets that as him lacking something and assumes then that he Needs to become whole somehow. the conclusion he comes to is that he needs to become a god and do away with any trace of humanity in himself, that that is his flaw and source of all his inadequacy, that he will finally be fulfilled and complete when he stops being an empty doll.

and to do that, he will annihilate himself over and over. part of the irodori festival event is learning that scaramouche has been destroying documents related to kunikuzushi. he doesn't want any trace of that life left and blackmailed families into fearing ever mentioning his name (sidenote, scaramouche was so emotional and attached to a human that he revenge-killed entire clans). then, as the fatui's balladeer, scaramouche abandoned just about everything and embraced the "reality" that teyvat is a huge lie. he then easily abandoned his role in the fatui, arguably betrayed them, to steal the gnosis for himself. which then leads to him agreeing with dottore to annihilate all of his memories and his identity if it means he gets to be a god.

like, the Traveler brings this up. that, in order to accomplish what the sages are planning, scaramouche will destroy his own mind and have it be replaced by whatever others will it to be, he'll stop existing. and he's fine with that, happy even. because all that matters is that he gets to hold the gnosis.

he may despise ei but he still idolizes her. if you bring raiden into the boss fight and scaramouche knocks her out, he exclaims in victory. he wants to prove her wrong, that he IS fit for the gnosis, for godhood. while i doubt the writers will ever adequately explore that thread, scaramouche's story is of an abandoned child who wants to prove their neglectful parent wrong but is doing so by the standards of said parent. which is impossible.

scaramouche did a lot wrong! he was definitely a villain and openly antagonistic and totally fine with taking part in killing people off! which is why i prefer they keep those rougher edges of his, but find it neat that they are also embracing how those destructive tendencies aren't just external but something internal as well.

the Traveler will likely keep butting heads with Wanderer, which i prefer! but also i do wonder if the Traveler will continue to pressure Wanderer to preserve the memory of who he'd been for once, to try and grow rather than reset. and Wanderer possibly choosing to let go of that impossible idea of "good enough" being godhood.

#tratser replies to stuff #genshin impact #genshin impact 3.3 #scaramouche's story is a doozy and also explained terribly asjfhjfh but like there's some cool parts

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actualbird · 2 years ago

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Good morning, Zak! Fairytales are usually read at night before bed but oh well sometimes you gotta break tradition.

So first off, you really nailed that fairytale feel of the first few paragraohs and I adore it so much!! It's not just adding "once upon a time", the enture beginning feels like I could find it written a book of old fairytales somewhere.

Second of all hehe repetition my beloved I'm eating well today. I already mentioned "once upon a time", but the repetition of them looking for each other is great too. Great job retelling the plot of Looming Nightmare so well!!!

Ria's tail squeezing Luke's leg like how she'd squeeze his hand aaaaa so much has changed but some things will always stay the same this is why I love childhood friends so much.

Aha whaat no way is there a story where the only ending is suffering haha :')

Love how in canon Tears of Themis Luke the new stuff Luke and mc have to get the hang of is suddenly feeling flustered at things they used to do all the time when they were kids and here it's girlfriend dragon now cgjcgkc

Luke is so right they're cowards draconic traits are one of the absolute best things characters can ever have it makes them look so pretty!!

Luke the most supportive boyfriend in the world he's just so supportive of all Ria's new draconic traits and instincts i love them both so much.

Thank you so much for writing this and also _seventastic for creating that gorgeous fanart!!! Characters with traits of mythical creatures are my biggest weakness in the world so dragon mc is just so, so good and I adore this au so much. Why'd Looming Nightmare have to end like that, why couldn't it at least be bittersweet :( but yes this fluff was exactly what I needed, it was so cute and I adored it so much. As always, I look forward to the next chapter of this when it comes out!

🌌

waaAAAHH HI HI MILKYWAYYY :DDDD thank u for reading the first chapter of "yes, she’s my lover, yes, she’s a half-dragon. any more questions?" hehe!!

fairytales can b read at any time, time isnt real, just magic and also im getting to this ask finally at 5pm in my time HAHA

im so glad u enjoyed the first bit of the chapter!! that was deffo the feeling i tried to evoke, just with much less archaic sayings/sentence structures. it was also kinda based on a minific i wrote here of the exact same card, but when it had just dropped on the cn server and we didnt know the story yet, just saw the images. im just a sucker for the fairytale vibe

and also im a sucker for repetition HSDVFJKHSDF on some level i was like "hm, ok, i think theres way too much repetition than is strictly speaking Necessary in this chapter" but then i was also like "but it makes me happy. so it stays."

and YEEEAA i rlly wanted to parallel their experiences cuz when i read looming nightmare, i was also looking for that like...clearer didactic framing of what they both went thru cuz it was all there! but since mc's story in the card only gets mentioned towards the end, it didnt get much time to shine.

(sidenote: this fic is actually gonna be me writing a bunch of what i wish we got to hear from mc in that story. as much as i love luke (i do, you all know i do So Much) among the many qualms i had with the card is that mc is a focal point in the plot but also so incredibly absent. we dont even hear (or rather, read) her speak.

well, shes gonna be speaking a lot in this fic as the chapters go on HVAJKHSFVAKJ)

you and i and every other person who got their heart crushed by what actually happened in looming nightmare: huh? sorry? wdym?? THAT DIDNT HAPPEN

and YESS HEHE the whole "gimmick" (i cant think of a better word to articulate this concept with?) of this fic was also inspired by the current event!! luke and mc adjusting to new things!!! theyre so cute and they love each other so much but thers gonna be a lot of awkward moments and learning curves and support along the way. also magic. cuz magic is so goddamn fun to write JHVDKJFHS

lastly, i adore dragons. so much. theres this fic, my dragon!marius fic, and also in three different fandoms ive been in in the past, i wrote 1 fic each where i turned a character into a dragon-hybrid of some sort.

this fic makes Five Fics Zak Has Written Where He Turns A Character Into A Dragon-Hybrid Of Sorts thus far

i just really dragons. im gonna keep writing this trope over and over in different iterations and nobody can stop me, HAHA

thank u so much for the lovely comment, milkyway!!! <3 looming nightmare was inhumane ajhsfvajshfva but i hope that this fic and the rest of its chapters can help as a fanon aloe vera salve for the brutal sunburn of angst that card gave us all

#ppl who have followed me since my les mi/s era....yea yall know ive been making characters into dragon-hybrids since 2016 HAHJSDHF #asks #commints #milkyway!anon

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recalledproduct · 3 years ago

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i am so sorry first of all for what you are going thru, no one ever deserves to see their parents in these situations. i went thru my fathers death 2 and a half years ago and they were pretty similar circumstances, my advice to you is to allow yourself every single feeling you have, don't run from them of push them down, even if they're overwhelming. my father was also an alcoholic and when he died i never thought i'd get over it or anything good could ever come from it but it did, it was difficult to process the emotions but there will be aspects of your life that will become more peaceful when you no longer have to worry about the parent you always had to, as bittersweet as it is, you'll have thousands of conversations with her in your head and you'll forgive her for everything and you'll be mad at her for everything and you'll ask her for help every week and you will make and find peace in your life even though this feels so horrible right now (which it is and again i am so sorry) idek if we are mutuals i just wanna extend my love to you and your entire family right now, wishing you all the best. remember it's always okay to need help during these times and most people will always respond with kindness and empathy <3

Thank you so much. I'm sorry about your dad, but I'm happy that you're doing okay. It's so difficult to go through this. It feels unbearable. I love my mom so much. I don't know what I'm going to do without her, but seeing that others have gone through similar things and have ended up okay gives me some hope. I'm so sorry that you are familiar with this feeling, it's truly the worst thing imaginable. Thank you for reaching out <3

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hawkland · 4 years ago

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Destiel fic recs/what I’ve been reading (round #2)

I promised (eventually!) more fic recs and I figured I’d better do it soon before my list to talk about got TOO long. Also I’m just bubbling to praise up an amazing fic I read last night that literally has given me a fanfic hangover this morning and I need you all to suffer with me.

Starting with that fic in question:

Aria for an Angel (84k) by anyrei, mugglerock. I hurt all over from this one and I command you to do the same.

That said, DO NOT READ if you can’t stand the idea of Cas finding love/happiness with someone else (even if the fic is endgame Destiel). Also don’t read if you can’t stand your heart being shattered by pain before being carefully put back together again. Those warnings aside, this is one of the most stunning fics I’ve read yet in SPN fandom and I’m going to rec it at you no matter what. I’ve been feeling very pissy at Dean lately, as I’m on season 12 in my complete watch-thru, and with how much Cas has been suffering and getting beaten down for, like, SEASONS now. And it got me looking for fics where Cas gets some of the TLC/love/care that he needs from someone else, at least until Dean can get his shit together. Enter Mick Davies. Mick comes to Cas for help with a case that ends up involving a Grigori, and the two grow closer as Cas enjoys spending time with someone who genuinely expresses care and concern for him...but when Dean finds out will he have to choose between the Winchesters, his found family on Earth, and his new boyfriend? And when tragedy strikes, is it too late for a second chance at his first love again?

This story is funny, hot, heartbreakingly sad and just completely wrung me out emotionally. The characterizations totally worked for me, the growth they all went through was the kind of stuff I only wish the writers of the show could pull off. There’s just...there’s so much pain and love and some good stuff with poor Sam and Mary caught in the middle of this shitstorm and I wasn’t sure I could be brought back around to wanting Cas and Dean together in the end, but the authors pulled it off and everything about this story hurts, and heals, in the best possible way.

The rest of my recs in this round-up beneath the cut.

Seek to Know You Better (32k) by ahurston. Season 15 canon-divergence—so no Empty, no rusty nail, but things are relatively calm and settled in the hunter/Winchester world. As such Dean and Cas go on a road-trip together, investigate some minor cases, and gradually open up and really TALK via a “36 Questions That Lead to Love” article Cas finds on-line. One of those fics that just gives you a happy glow inside to read; it feels very believable and the characters have a maturity and adultness to them that just feels right. The little details of all the places they stop for food while talking are a delight, and it’s just the right amount of pining (for me) before they finally get things together.

Purgatory, director's cut (27k) by runsinthefamily. THIS IS THE ULTIMATE PURGATORY FIC (well, in my reading adventures so far.) Written (apparently?) before season 8 actually aired, it takes a very different - and weirdly creative and bizarre - look at what purgatory would be like. And if Cas stuck with Dean through it all. It also posits that as a human Dean would be “allergic” to purgatory and need Cas’s grace to hold himself together...but the deeper they travel, trying to get out, the more precarious Cas’s hold on his vessel becomes. I love everything about this fic, the weird imagery, the way Dean just...rolls with everything happening to Cas and still loving him because it’s Cas, not his vessel, that’s important.

Grooming Instincts (26k) by jemariel. More wing!kink which...yeah. Gimme all the wing grooming/back massages and weird angel anatomy, please. Cas is grumpy while going through what he describes as “molting” only...it’s a bit more complicated than that. And Dean has no idea what he’s gotten himself into until Cas starts grooming him...and Kevin is able to translate/figure out what’s happened. Funny and hot and just...a yummy happy read with great bits from Sam, Kevin and Charlie for good measure.

Things that Leave Marks (23k) by thestoryinsideme. Canon-divergent from Season 9. Wherein it takes Dean three years to find Cas after getting kicked out of the bunker. And when he does, it’s apparent he’s been through a lot, and he’s not exactly ready to or certain about going back to life with the Winchesters. This was sad and sweet and fluffy and angsty in all the right ways for a comfort fic read. (Also features Cas the budding artist! I love that idea!)

Wavelength-gasm (11k) by Mumble-Bee. The fuck or die trope gets a very fun twist when it involves needing to fuck an angel in his true form. Dean certainly learns this the hard way! This rec is for all the trueform!Cas-loving freaks like me out there...I’ve certainly never seen a smut fic embrace the weirdness of it all like this one.

Drive Faster Sammy (7k) by almaasi. Speaking of fuck-or-die fics, pray for Sam in this one. He has to listen to Dean helping when Cas gets struck by one (again) and they don’t have time to make it back to the bunker—so things get kind of graphic in the backseat of the Impala.

Love Burns Its Casualties (5k) by anactoria. Beautiful and bittersweet fic set during “The End”. Present-day Dean can’t sleep, and ends up invited by future!Cas to spend what he knows is likely his last night alive with him. Features casual weed use (if that bothers you), some very hot shotgunning (if it doesn’t), and is just...a wonderfully written atmospheric story that I’ve already re-read several times. (It’s especially a good read when slightly stoned yourself. Um. Not that I’m necessarily advocating for that sort of thing, unless it’s legal in your neck of the woods. Um. Anyway...)

something quiet and minor and peaceful and slow (3.7k) by celeste9. Heaven fic, so don’t read if that’s not your thing. Also don’t read if you’re completely convinced John Winchester is an unredeemable homophobe and terrible parent all around. I, personally, liked this take a lot more as it shows a struggling but not horrible John confused about why this angel keeps popping over, asking Mary questions about what Dean will want in his little slice of Heaven. The title really describes the lovely mood of this little fic and I liked it a lot.

heaven, reconstructed (9k) by vaudelin. Another Heaven fic, more focused on Cas than Destiel (but that is endgame). Goes into what exactly Cas was doing, working with Jack to try to build a better Heaven while awaiting Dean’s eventual arrival. It’s a great fic for world-building (in more ways than one!) in the SPN universe and I like a story that explores Cas’s relationships with others beyond Dean and Sam. I’d add too that as a fan of The Good Place, I just in general enjoy stories that look at the complexity of what actually would constitute a “perfect” afterlife. So imagine Castiel as a TGP architect here if you will (I certainly did!)

The Passion of the Christ (and his angelic ex-boyfriend) (4.9k) by Bzzee. Another heaven!fic, but pure delightful crack. What happens when Dean and Cas run into one of Cas’s ex-boyfriends in Heaven’s roadhouse...who just happens to be Jesus Christ. Dean isn’t too happy with that knowledge (and neither is Judas). Just read it—heresy and all. For a crack fic it’s actually wonderfully smart and wicked.

Can't You Hear It Calling (4.7k) by imogenbynight. A “missing scene” from s8e32 (Sacrifice). Cas expects to never see Dean again once he (expects to, at least) close the gates of Heaven. As a parting gift, he takes Dean back in time to a Led Zeppelin concert...and then a motel room to spend a final night together. As a music lover, the description of the excitement of the concert (and the happy/sadness when the show is almost over) totally hit me in the feels...and it’s such angsty/beautiful smut when they get together.

You're Gonna Live Tomorrow (3k) by MajorEnglishEsquire, microcomets, orange_crushed. Cas doesn’t know a lot about being human (yet), but he does know one thing - he wants to marry Dean. Sweet, sweet happy fluff, just enjoy.

Who's Counting? (1.7k) by Annie D (scaramouche). Just some pure angel-powered delicious smut. Dean learns the hard way, over and over again, that angels have basically no refractory period.

#destiel recs #my fic recs #deancas recs #hawkland reads spn fic #destiel #my destiel recs

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quirkle2 · 5 years ago

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50 Questions You’ve Never Been Asked

Tagged by the wonderful @citrusveins!

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?: Black.

2. Name a food you never eat?: Tacos. Unpopular opinion, but those suckers ain’t good.

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?: Too cold, usually.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?: Laying in bed like the lazy shit I am.

5. What is your favorite candy bar?: Uhhhh Twix??? maybe??

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports event?: My school took us on a field trip to an Orioles game once. Had no fuckin’ clue what was goin’ on, but at least I got some Dippin’ Dots.

7. What is the last thing you said out loud?: Uhhhh I think ily to my mom??

8. What is your favorite ice cream?: Vanilla! I’m a basic bitch.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?: Tea!

10. Do you like your wallet?: Yeah, sure. It ain’t fancy, but it gets the job done.

11. What was the last thing you ate?: Some Tai Pei chicken fried rice. Shit’s good.

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?: I bought a shirt from Hollister that was on sale.

13. The last sporting event you watched?: Some random ass football game that my dad had on TV.

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?: I’m not a huge fan of popcorn (now you’ve met two people, Citrus!) but like... flavor?? I just like it with butter and salt? idk

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?: My best friend.

16. Ever go camping?: It’s been a bit, but yeah!

17. Do you take vitamins?: I have those stupid fucking Flintstones gummies on my counter and i always forget to take them

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?: I went to church once when I was a kid because some friend of my moms was involved in it and my mom was like “hey maybe we’ll go to this” and I hated it and she hated it we were like “yeah maybe not.” Just not my cup o’ tea.

19. Do you have a tan?: Hell no.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?: Uhhhhh oh nooooo pizza I guess.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?: Nah.

22. What color socks do you usually wear?: White.

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?: I don’t know how to drive yet. :(

24. What terrifies you?: The ocean. Being abandoned. Police. Cows- those fuckers are huge.

25. Look to your left, what do you see?: My phone and my journal.

26. What chore do you hate?: My mom has me make tea when we’re low and i never know when it’s fuckin done i’m bad at cooking okay don’t judge me

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?: "u wanna fuckin’ go m8″

28. What’s your favorite soda?: Pepsi! Or RC.

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus?: Drive-thrus unless we’re not really in a rush.

30. Who’s the last person you talked to?: My mom!

31. Favorite cut of beef?: Uhhhh what does this mean help i’m dumb

32. Last song you listened to?: Take What You Want by Post Malone.

33. Last book you read?: Uhh I think it was the first Percy Jackson book?? I bought the whole series recently because I wanted to see all that I apparently missed but I just stopped reading it for some reason.

34. Favorite day of the week?: Saturday!

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?: I just tried an’ i shit you not i got two letters in

36. How do you like your coffee?: I don’t like coffee but I wish I did?? It always smells so good so I try some of it and it’s always nasty no matter what I put in it.

37. Favorite pair of shoes?: My yellow converse!

38. The time you normally go to sleep?: Around 9 because I’m a grandma.

39. The time you normally get up?: I usually wake up at 8 naturally.

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets?: Sunrise. I feel like sunsets have a sort of bittersweetness to them because when I see them I’m usually outdoors having a good day and seeing a sunset just kinda reminds you that you have to go home and sleep soon and you don’t want to.

41. How many blankets on your bed?: One!

42. Describe your kitchen plates: Uhh they’re all weird and mismatched. We have a really old one that my dad apparently ate off of when he was a kid. It’s got strawberries on it and it’s all faded and old looking.

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?: Haven’t tried a lot because I am but a wee child but so far I really like the moonshine that my dad’s coworker makes (i was pleasantly surprised when i could barely taste the alcohol), and uhhh i think like irish cream or something?

44. Do you play cards?: Not unless my meemaw whips out some uno and she’s ready to destroy relationships.

45. What color is your car?: I don’t have a car but we’ve got a grey-ish boi and a piece o shit white truck.

46. Can you change a tire?: haha nope.

47. Your favorite province?: Like... in Japan? what are we talkin’ about here-

48. Favorite job you’ve ever had?: *cough* i don’t yet have a job *cough*

49. How did you get your biggest scar?: Uhhh i don’t really have a lot scars... I’ve got a really faded burn mark on my arm from when I was little. I got it when my brother was being a doofus and making me laugh and I was standing next to the stove and I kinda leaned against it a little cause I didn’t really notice i was next to it.

50. What did you do today that made someone else happy?: idk man it’s like 10 am i haven’t done shit today.

Uhhh idk who to tag- if you wanna do this then don’t be shy! :D

#i always love these things #i love talking about myself because i'm a piece of shit #not bnha #ask game

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dillydedalus · 6 years ago

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what i read in may

how is it may lmao... anyway i went thru a bit of reading slump this month and i’d like to pretend it’s bc i had a lot of uni stuff to do (i did) but tbh it’s bc game of thrones infected me with Vintage* ASOIAF Feels & i didn’t really care about reading anything else

celestial bodies, jokha alharthi (tr. from arabic) quiet and evocative novel about a network of families in a village in oman, told over three (?) generations, but centred on three sisters, mayya, asma and khawla (but not as focused on them as i would have liked). interesting to get some insight into omani society, class relations (& especially slavery and the now-free slaves), gender, tradition and westernisation, but it’s also really lovely and sad. ultimately a bit scattered and vague tho. 3/5

the taming of the shrew, billy shakes (uni) academia and assorted shakespeareans like bending over backwards to explain why this is not misogynist but actually subversive/farcical/ironic/meta or whatever and that’s a fine & worthy endeavour i’m sure but the only valid reading of the taming is that kate is actively plotting to murder petruccio in every single scene so... that’s that on that. misandry stars/5

vinegar girl, anne tyler (uni) y’all i don’t have high expectations for hogarth shakespeare entries (tho shylock really won me over last month) but fuck this was bad. staggeringly BAD, both as a book and as an adaptation of shrew. it starts out with a completely declawed & detoothed kate, who on the scale of ‘timid wifey’ to ‘shrewish firebrand’ is uh ‘apathetic & slightly sour��.... which is a choice i guess. in the beginning i hoped we were seeing a kate who was repressing her rage (and there is one genuinely great line where the bianca annoys kate while she’s gardening and ‘kate stuffed a snarl of vine into the trash bag’ like okay anne that’s cool) and that the taming would be reverse, i.e. would free kate to feel & act on her rage. but instead... honestly i can’t even tell you what the arc was instead? there’s no real taming, kate (who is very stuck in her life and job) just chooses this green card marriage to become a little bit less stuck and i guess pyotr (petruccio) likes her the way she is, that is sour and Not Like Her Dumb Blonde Sister. and then in the end we get a speech about how men have it really hard bc they never learn how to deal with feelings (when kate throughout the book has herself struggled w/ social skills). can’t wait to rip this apart in class. 1/5 (ALSO how did hogarth have atwood on their roster and not give her the shrew wtf)

doctor wooreddy’s prescription for enduring the ending of the world, mudrooroo (uni) for my postcolonial australia course; it’s about the colonisation of australia and genocide against indigenous australians from the pov of tasmanians and an englishman who’s never seen a white man’s burden he didn’t immediately pick up (all based on real historical people). lots of interesting stuff in there (i’d love to read something about gender roles/gendered spaces in indigenous australian culture) but tbh it’s a bit of a slog (at 200 pages...) 2/5 embassytown, china miéville cool scifi novel about weird alien languages (the ariekei, who speak with two mouths at once and cannot lie - apparently their language doesn’t signify so...uh. linguistically not particularly sound at all but a) it’s a cool concept, b) they’re aliens so like whatever) and what happens when humans, not possessing two mouths and very much capable of lying, communicate with them. there is a lot of really original & fascinating concepts here but some problems w/ the execution (pacing/characters mainly) - not as much as with city&city tho. 3.5/5

the little prince, antoine de saint-exupéry (tr. from french) i wanted something short & bittersweet & this is it. anyway i have these vague & but very vivid memories of seeing like. a slide show of this w/ narration at the berlin planetarium when i was a kid & that is the best way to consume this story. 4/5

the year of the death of ricardo reis, josé saramago (tr. from portuguese) took me nearly 2 months to finish this & it’s under 500 pages which should already say a lot. i enjoyed this while reading mostly, and saramago’s style is beautiful, but it is a bit of a drag & reis honestly is not particularly sympathetic or interesting. the undercurrent of the rise of fascism is the best thing about the novel & makes the end really work but there’s too much tangential meandering about how old dude ricky reis is obsessed with a mucher younger girl and like... yawn. i will try again w/ saramago tho. 2/5

follow the rabbit-proof fence, nugi garimara (uni) story about three young girls with indigenous australian mothers and white fathers escaping from the residential school they were abducted to as part of the stolen generations, based on the author’s mother’s own life. it’s an impressive story of resilience and survival, but perfunctorily written. we’re also going to watch the film & that should be interesting. 2/5

everything under, daisy johnson i find it quite hard to talk about this bc there’s something quite vague and uncertain about it, something elusive. some things i will say: vivid, lyrical prose; the setting (oxford canal boat community) is great, the monster is genuinely creepy, and i really like the three (or 4?) narrative strands and how they interweave. i kind of wish i hadn’t known which greek myth it was a loose adaptation of (so i won’t say here) bc i definitely spent too much time trying to map the myth onto the book - and the ‘reveal’ might have been better w/o that knowledge anyway. 3.5/5

the sparrow, maria doria russell wonderful wonderful warm & human & tragic scifi novel about JESUITS IN SPACE!!! told in two timelines: in the first, set mainly in 2019 (which is great) music from another planet is transmitted to earth and emilio sandoz, jesuit linguist + multilingual (@hbo or netflix: cast oscar isaac please & thank), and his closest friends are chosen (by god?? MAYBE) to go on a secret space mission to make first contact bc jesuits.... have a lot of.... experience... with that. everyone is hopeful, curious, excited, and our guy emilio is literally radiant with god’s love or whatever. in the second timeline, 2060, emilio has been sent home by a second expedition, who have since gone radio silent, the only survivor, disturbingly (!) mutilated, broken in mind and body and unwilling to talk. all we know: the 2nd expedition found him in a brothel & he immediately killed the alien child who led them to him. so... what went wrong? (how could... first contact.... possibly go wrong...?) what did emilio do? was whatever happened god’s will? sorry i’m not super coherent about this but IT’S GREAT MY DUDES. also between this & canticle my scifi subgenre really just is ‘scifi but make it religious’. 4.5/5

on the whole, not a great reading month, but the sparrow... *chef kiss* & i’m currently reading the artifical silk girl (relatable hot mess in weimar berlin) which is.... AMAZING... alfred döblin who???

#*i say this as if i'm not constantly experiencing at the very least mild asoiaf feels but yanno #anyway i'm sure there's a ton of cool ways you can perform shrew that make it subversive #(play kate's speech as her hogging the stage/upstaging petruccio!)#but like.... let's not kid ourselves #the books i read #this is sloppy & mostly unedited bc i'm vibrating with stress #long post

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peachaidee · 7 years ago

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Ep Ignis ramblings- mostly figured out how a happy ending could work with all the info presented to us vs the edgy sad end theory. Don’t read. spoilers, etc. just trying to make sense of it...

look i love angst and edgy stuff a lot but i dont know why some people automatically went for it in V2. to me, the story and directing was very obvious it was supposed to be a happy ending even though it was very confusing and it was difficult to figure out how it could work. i dont read reddit threads so idk if this has all been said before... just my thoughts.

after going thru V2 carefully a second time im more sure that the happy end could work out from the information given to us. Who is the "mysterious voice"? Most like the Crystal/Eos since it was the only thing around. It also could have been Luna. same VA in credits?? (Ravus did say her job wasn’t done...also great opportunity to slip future story in there for a possible ep luna, the poor girl needs it).

Anyway, lets just say the mysterious voice was Luna since she is the Oracle. Her powers would allow her to talk about the prophecy spoken by the Crystal/Eos. In V2 when it was being explained to Ignis, she never said Noct had to die. She said as long as the ring was powered up he would ascend, and have enough power to end the scourge, kill Ardyn, and could restore the dawn. This matches with the prophecy Luna tells Noct when they were kids.

I think some people think V2 can’t be real because we can’t forget as it was drilled into us for the entire game that it was Bahamut’s prophecy that we listened to and some people could not get over the requirement that a blood price needed to be made to fulfill the prophecy. Compare Luna’s prophecy to what Bahamut said in order for the Chosen King to ascend. He needed to have the ring full powered, and he needed the powers of the old kings and it can only be achieved by dying alone. This is a lot of requirements for ascension compared to the basic one told by Luna/Crystal. Now Bahamut...this fucker says as far back in the Omens trailer that a blood price must be paid and shows Regis the entire timeline of Omens playing out. I assume the endgame is the same where Noct destroys the scourge but just in a really terrible way. Terrible enough where Regis was like FUCK THAT and presumably does something to change Noct’s fate and asks the gods to forgive him. We don’t really know exactly what Regis did except for the very obvious action of sending Noct off WITH HIS BROS so he wouldn’t be ALONE.

I think that was the important part. Bahamut’s prophecy had everything from Luna’s/Crystals prophecy. The added parts were, BLOOD SACRIFICE and that it was the chosen king who would make his sacrifice ALONE. We hear this in the main game and it was repeated in Ep Ignis when he was shown the visions in the main route. So, by adding the bros into Noct’s journey, Noct’s fate was dramatically changed but tragically even Regis had to fulfill the prophecy in the end. Maybe everybody thought they had no other choice, the outcome was the same, Noct had to die. Bahamut is the war god that belongs to the Lucians so I guess Lucians have no reason to not listen to him and accept everything he says except for Regis who didn’t want Omens to happen.

So basically...what I think the whole story is about....is that fate changes if you have people to share your burden. Did Ignis have an idea how to change Noct’s fate when he suggested that to him? Maybe, maybe not. He tried by suggesting Noct they stop their journey. But later in Ch. 10 Ignis was 100% committed to Noct’s decision because he repeats Regis’ words and only wishes to stay with Noct. Maybe he knew there was no way to change it and he accepted that all the things shown to him were inevitably going to happen. Noct even cuts Ignis off in the last scene like Noct didn’t want the bros by his side (but he’ll have them in his heart), because Noct accepted Bahamut’s prophecy word for word. That he had to do it alone.

V2 looks like a timeline created by the power of love and friendship even though it hilariously hinges on 1 decision Ignis could have made differently but lets say he made the decision to go with Ardyn because he took 1 second to think things through and not be so recklessly gay to save Noct. Lets say he actually processed his future visions, he would choose the option that he doesn’t do in his visions. He would know that Ardyn couldn’t actually kill Noct right then and there. If he could have a chance to change fate he would go with Ardyn. So he does and this is a great timeline because Ignis actually tries to change fate when nobody did in the main game.

The question then becomes why do the Lucian kings know fate can be changed if Ignis sacrifices himself? Wild speculation here but it could be Regis' doing convincing the council to let Ignis sacrifice himself for the ring’s power knowing that fate can be changed that way because he did it himself earlier. Or Bahamut and the Lucian kings are assholes which we know already from Kingsglaive and the like... So did they already know about Luna’s/crystals prophecy? Maybe Bahamut added blood sacrifice and the requirement to do it alone to his prophecy because he's an edgy fuck and has no friends. Bahamut could have told Noct that he could sacrifice any one of his pure-hearted friends in his place but obviously Noct would never ever do that and would die for them all so Bahamut probably thought to make it efficient, only the Chosen King has to die it will be easy. OR, it is also entirely possible that through the events of Kingsglaive, Regis was sacrificing himself to change Noct’s fate.

By the magic power and love and friendship, Noct is able to heal Ignis using the Crystal. He was very determined in this timeline to fulfil his duty compared to the main game where he struggled and was confused in front of the crystal. He only puts on the ring kind of reluctantly in the main game but manages to do it to save Prompto. In V2 he puts it on immediately to save Ignis since he was actively dying. So sweet how in one timeline, Noct buckles up to save Prompto and in the other, to save Ignis.

During V2′s 10 year gap I was very happy to see the bros sticking together more. In the main game and in Comrades it was mentioned that they don’t spend a lot of time together but this timeline had a kind of uplifting feel and the bros felt like they had a better sense of purpose and a better plan with how to deal with the long night. At then at the last battle Noctis had all the bros +1 at his side. He had them walk tall TOGETHER, sharing the burden. I believe that was the message. If you have good friends, if you love deeply and let them share your burdens you can change fate. Of course sacrifices need to be made but you don’t have to do it alone. This is why I think at the end everyone lives. Additional detail is that Noct was still wearing the ring when it was destroyed in the main game.

Some people think V2 retcons all of Ep Prompto which I get...Ardyn uses Ignis as bait instead of Prompto but you can use your imagination to try and keep Prompto’s character development. Like, if Prompto never got into the facility, maybe Verstael would still be alive and he would have sent out all his weapons anyway? Like chase Ravus’ airship down with machines. Or maybe Ardyn wanted to fuck with Ravus and gang anyway and let Verstael do his Ghost in the Shell thing. As far as Ardyn knew, Noct still had the ring so maybe he wanted to stir up shit so Noct would finally wear it. Ravus probably could have told Prompto about his origins if they ever ran into Verstael. I feel like Ravus would know about it.

This ending did feel a bit rushed but overall it felt more like the general theme of FF games where friendship is the best and you say fuck you to fate/religion and it seems right that ffxv showed us that thru different timelines. of course this is how i rationalize everything ignoring that this was supposed to be an entirely different game 10 years, even 3 years ago and even playing Comrades I could tell they couldn’t keep the game and Kingsglaive consistent. Episode Ignis was supposed to be the last of the DLCs until they confirmed they were making more by popular demand. And to me Ep Ignis did feel like it was the end by showing V2. Because of the game’s disastrous release schedule the game ended up so messy but i think the ffxv team tried their best to tie in everything. From Omens which people speculated were story elements from vs XIII, to the main game and them confirming AU exists or that Noct’s dreams are actually real in a way. I felt like V2 was a possibility of a happy ending so I don’t see it as some dark twisted bittersweet ending. Nothing against people who do, its all good fun. I was left feeling so satisfied I actually don’t mind if they stop DLCs. But since they’re making more I feel like they can do a good job because they said they’re taking their time with these future DLCs to make sure they’re good. I hope they can explore another timeline where this time they can save Luna or something. She honestly has it the worst.

tl;dr: fuck Bahamut honestly. Also what he does in Comrades is fucked up

#.#ffxv #ep ignis #ffxv spoilers #episode ignis

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2019neworleansteentour · 6 years ago

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Day Three, The Return...

Perspectives from First Experience, June 28-30th…

On the last day and trip home, the group stopped at a few important historical sites for African Americans. These sites are landmarks in both the south and history because they serve as reminders of both where we came from and how far we’ve come. Along with a short visit to Tuskegee university, which represents what we as a people are capable of achieving on our own despite the situations we are facing against. -Daryl C.

Today finalized the WeCCAAN 2019 New Orleans Tour on Culture and Service Learning. This was an awesome experience for me not only because I got to give back to others without receiving anything for my service, BUT because I was humbled in so many different ways. This wasn’t just a service learning trip but also a vacation for me since I’ve never been to New Orleans. I learned so much about my African American culture in just a short period of time, like how the Congo Square was where we got to show off all of our talents in the music world. Going to the different colleges seeing all the African Americans who have, and some who are currently making improvements on the school. It made me realize how once we were at the bottom of the food chain, but slowly African Americans are headed to the top. Then, the talk with Mr. Green really touched my heart, hearing the story how he lost his mother and granddaughter. How he tried every option there was to save himself and his family, but he just couldn’t. How even though he was going thru his own trials he was still there being a helping hand to others around him. Driving down the streets of New Orleans seeing all the vacant lots where there were once homes, but Katrina had destroyed them, and families still 14 years later still haven’t rebuilt their homes. Walking down the streets seeing all the homeless people seeing them sleep on cardboard boxes, their shoes, or just the hard concrete. This just really humbled me and made me be even more appreciative of every single thing that I have. Also, this trip allowed me to meet new people, try new delicious foods, and see another culture. I am so grateful to be able to be apart of this trip, because if not I wouldn’t have been able to have these experiences. -Kylah F.

The trip to New Orleans was amazing with all these new people I got to learn a lot about them. After hearing all the amazing stories about hurricane Katrina and how it affected people’s lives they still kept fighting to make things right again. I also found out about Tuskegee university, which was established by Booker T. Washington, I knew nothing about the school but today that changed I learned that it wasn’t an experiment it was a study and it’s a historical black university and each building that was built on the campus was named after someone that helped build it. They also had a museum on their campus but we couldn’t go in it because it was closed. We also seen Troy university and across the street was where Rosa Parks got arrested for the bus situation in Alabama. My name is Elijah and this is my first trip outside of my normal time zone and to Alabama, Louisiana, and Mississippi and I would love to go on another one because it was the best trip I ever took. -Elijah H. W.

This trip to New Orleans was an overall great experience for me and fulfilled all my expectations and then some. While I went into it expecting to gain more knowledge, it was way more than that. It brought culture of places I had never been and information that has opened new doors. Hearing the stories of loss ones to those tragic events of Katrina was very heartbreaking and was felt enormously. Helping out by doing whatever I can always warms me, and being able to help that lady with her garden was a wonderful task. She was very appreciative and welcomed us from the second we arrived. Not only was New Orleans great itself but the people gone with made the experience ten times better. This trip has not only made me want to keep coming on these tours, but to also visit New Orleans in the near future. All that has happened will be remembered, and I am great full to have had the opportunity. -Bobby H.

Today was bittersweet as we not only said goodbye to the Big Easy but also said goodbye to everyone on the tour. It's something incredible about the bond forged in the tireless pursuit of service to others. So many great connections made this weekend. The good thing is that we will continue to support each other and our communities from what we learned while on the WECCAAN Tour. I'm already looking forward to next year for another impactful tour. A huge amount of gratitude to all the teens who gave of their summer to help and learn from others, all the incredible chaperones who made it their mission to support this endeavor and especially Dr Mike Weaver, who makes these tours possible every year. -Giovan B.

This weekend exceeded my expectations. I came here to learn about new things and to be grateful for the life I live now and I am. This weekend taught me to be proud, but not satisfied. I was given the opportunity to talk with some amazing people who showed me that I can make the future brighter and better with my willpower and determination. This weekend made me feel honored to be in so many historical places where amazing people have walked the Earth. I am extremely glad that I was given this opportunity and that I was surrounded by a great group of people. -Ayshia B.

This Whole Trip Taught Me About Life And Things I Want To Do As In Career Although I Want To Be A Nurse I Seen A Few Nursin Colleges . This Will Change On How I Act With People And Interfere With Things . Today I Visited Montgomery And Tuskegee Alabama And Learned So Much About The Tuskegee Airmen And About Tuskegee University. I Liked This Trip Had Fun And I Wish To Have Many More With You All. -Shakemia J.

2012 was the first time I came to New Orleans with my oldest son Javon. Now to come with my youngest son... is a gift I can never repay. Reflecting on both experiences, the similarities and differences, one thing is constant. The fact that these trips offer an incomparable experience. Each year has a new journey and new lesson. Reconnecting with friends that have become family makes this trip even more amazing. I have been telling Dr Mike for years that I need to keep coming. First I came with Javon from 2012-2017, Jordan from 2017-2018 and now with Jamil. These trips teach them valuable lessons of giving back, meeting new people and learning how to travel. I am forever grateful. -TeShania B.

I really enjoyed this trip, it opened my mind to new perspectives and deepened my insights into older ones. On the trip I was able to get firsthand experience with New Orleans and get a feel and sense of what some of the residents’ lives are like. I enjoyed the community service projects and getting to know the people that I care with and I intend on coming to another one later. -Daryl C.

The Last Day is usually the saddest. While on our journey to home we were able to visit one of my favorite HBCUs, Tuskegee University. While at Tuskegee i was able to learn about why Booker T Washington founded Tuskegee and the Tuskegee Study that happened at the University. I was amazed to learn that while doing to the Tuskegee Study that the men who were at art of it were promised something, received it. Before we went to Tuskegee we took a stop at the Rosa Park Library. Although we weren’t able to go in I do feel like i learned a lot that’ll impact my future in a positive way when reading the land markers. Overall, I was greatly satisfied with this whole experience and truly thank Dr. Weaver for all that he does to keep these service trips alive and going. -Roderick T.

I felt inspired when I saw the Tuskegee university and the statue of George Washington Carver. I like to learn about Martin Luther King jr and see statues. I feel super inspired. -Jamil B.

As we travel back to Atlanta, from a very educational weekend and stay in New Orleans, I can say my ride was very inspiring. From the historical facts behind Hurricane Katrina and the impact it left amongst the communities, I humble myself in deep respect for those who experienced this devastation. Visiting Alabama gave value to my culture being. Knowing that people very similar to me, were the start of what is now a wonderful place of study for our future leaders also inspired me. It makes me wish that I had instead ventured off to prestigious institutions to expand my education. Overall, this weekend has given me lots of perspectives relating to history and education - a very great push to continue pushing myself as well as my children and the children of our communities. -Tia J.

Today’s activities have been a reminder of things that I learned about during childhood, but don’t think about often, such as Rosa Parks’s role in black history, and the impact of George Washington Carver and Booker T. Washington, the importance of Tuskegee university and Tuskegee Airmen. Seeing it through the teenagers’ view reinforced to me that we, as parents and as a race, have to keep our history alive and relevant for the future generations. As I reflect on this weekend, the learning, the friendships made, and the activities, I am a little sad to see it come to a close. This weekend exceeded my expectations. I feel a sense of pride as I look at the pictures of Mrs. Gloria’s garden and the Magellan gardens. I feel a sense of peace to know that Katrina survivors are continuing to rebuild their lives despite governmental barriers. I feel more pride seeing Tuskegee, and remembering what it stood for when it started and for this present time. I am excited to become a part of the volunteer activities over the next year that will lead to the next see and serve opportunity. -Miriam C.

Perspectives from Second Experience, July 26-28th…

Today I appreciated our experience in Tuskegee. Not only did we get to see the campus of an HBCU that I wasn’t aware Booker T. Washington was responsible for building, but I was also not aware those bricks that have been standing for so many years were locally manufactured, which represents the power in Tuskegee at the time. That same power laid in Moton Field where we were able to see where the Tuskegee airmen were trained. I was also grateful for the clarification we received from Dr. Mike for the difference between the Tuskegee experiment and the Tuskegee study, which I hear get confused even in my adulthood. What today and this weekend in it’s entirety did for me is serve as inspiration. It reinvigorated me in my want to learn my own cultural history, to participate in service on a regular basis that affects my community and our youth, and to stand in my own power as my ancestors so valiantly have and do whatever work I am led to do to the best of my ability and knowing that I will accomplish leaps and bounds with that will, as well as with the support of my community as they’ve supported us this weekend to experience what we’ve been blessed to experience. I was disappointed I wasn’t able to attend the past few years of service trips with Dr. Mike and the group but in the following years I will absolutely be making it a point to go out of my way and be apart. This work is more than important and I want to remain involved. Thank you to Dr. Mike, Mark and all our benefactors for making this happen for us and our youth, I couldn’t be more grateful! -Caris A.

This weekend was the greatest I've had in a long time. I met new people and got to visit a new city. Seeing New Orleans was like a dream come true and being able to see the French Quarter and lower ninth was really cool. I spent way too much money but the food was good so it wasn't a total loss. Getting to try New Orleans food was exciting and I'm going to try to recreate some things at home. I've never done anything like this trip before and it's given me a new kind of clarity for my future. I want to be able to take trips like this all the time whenever I want with whoever I want which means that I'll have to work for that so I can. I'm crazy tired now at the end but I feel great. -Essence H.

This weekend in New Orleans was fun. I got to see how the people are in the day and in the night also how they celebrate everything you could possibly think of. One thing about the New Orleans people is that they have pride of their parish and have pride in themselves. They truly love where they are and wouldn’t leave for anything and if they did leave they are most likely going to come back. During the time that I was there was a different atmosphere, other than the humidity there was a loving feel and nobody cared about what you did as long as you were happy. I learned a lot of stuff that I didn’t know and it’s good to learn. One thing that I noticed about New Orleans is that it’s a combination of a city and an industrial place. Wherever you go there is a bridge even in the city part and I’ve never seen anything like it. -Jordan B.

I had a great time this weekend. This weekend been a long learning journey and I learned from the culture and the background of New Orleans and hurricane Katrina. Then the tours of the colleges and museums was also a good learning experience. And bonding with the new and old students on this weekend. -Iterrius J.

In these 72 hours, I learned a lot and experienced more than I can imagine. New Orleans showed strength, culture, and unity which I think touched us all. I’m so glad Dr. Weaver decided to do another tour to NOLA this year. I’m honored to once again volunteer and give my efforts to Magellan Gardens.

I realize how important it is for myself & others to travel the world learn our history ourselves. And to have an open mind through it all. I plan to return to New Orleans to explore more hidden gems the city has to offer. I’m humbled by this opportunity and can’t wait to share my experience with family, friends, and colleagues. -Shauna J.

This weekend was something special. I got to connect with people that I would not have met under normal circumstances and I got to see things that I would not see on a normal trip to any of the cities we visited this weekend.

New Orleans was a great experience. To see a city that was totally destroyed as evidenced by a Six Flags that still hasn’t been rebuilt and how far it has come. A city that had so much loss as evidenced by Mr. Green who lost his mother and granddaughter still have so much pride. I feel hard pressed to think of any other city that I have been to like that. New Orleans is somewhere that I definitely want to return to. Maybe not Burboun street (too much for my blood) but most definitely I want to return to the garden where we volunteered to see what it produces during other times of the year.

Tuskegee was a humbling experience. I never went to an HBCU and to be honest I had no clue that it was built by a black man. I’ve heard of Booker T Washington but before today I couldn’t have told you what he did or who he was. Seeing the actual airfield of the Tuskegee airman was cool. After seeing the movie Red Tails it was nice to be able to see the actual field and make the movie feel a little more real.

I’ve been to Atlanta more times than I can count and have never been to Morehouse. It was today that made me realize that most HBCUs are not open campuses like the PWI that I attended. I knew there were differences in the schools but I’m not sure how that difference makes me feel. On one hand I feel like the school cares enough to protect their students and if we’re being honest it’s very rare that we hear of a shooting on a predominantly black campus. On the other hand it makes me wonder if it has more to do with the fences around the campus to keep people in.

All in all I enjoyed this trip and hope to be invited on another trip in the years to come. -Aleeka M.

This expedition to New Orleans was very eye opening. I honestly wish I had made this trip sooner. I loved the scenery in New Orleans, especially the natural spaces. The wetlands were beautiful despite all that has been stripped of their natural scenery, what is left is still a site to see. I really really loved seeing the dragonflies this weekend. I believe all living beings serve a purpose. All organisms have a spirit and if we look close enough at them and deep enough into ourselves we can feel that spirit within us. I recently found that dragonflies were one of my spirit animals. In New Orleans, I was able to be surrounded by dragonflies and their beautiful energy. Dragonflies represent change, transformation, adaptability, and self realization.

For quite a while, I was so afraid of change especially in my youth. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered that change is inevitable. The best thing i can do for myself is be accepting of life and all the changes that come with it. New Orleans is a great testimony to adapting to change and undergoing transformation. Amongst the dragonflies and the spirit of New Orleans i has many self realizations and even realizations about the world. One of those realizations being that just like the people of New Orleans I can get through anything. Even if I lose every material thing I have as long as I have breath in my body and will in my heart I can pick myself up and rebuild or earn it all back. Change will happen regardless of whether I want it to or not, and when I resist these changes I make life harder on myself. I always try to remind myself to let go of all that does not serve me. However, that’s so much easier said than done. This trip has really shown me that it is actually quite easy to do when you have no choice. Choice is also a hot topic for me, I feel as though we all have choices about everything. We all have free will, we create our down destinies. You can manifest anything you want but you can also manifest the things you fear it’s about what you focus on.

After Katrina, the people of New Orleans had a choice to flee and never look back or face their losses head on. Of course they wept, that’s a necessary stage of the grieving process. They experienced anger and denial and regret and everything else. However, when the rain and the tears dried up they got up and handled their business. Even long before Katrina, during slavery times the black people in Nola chose to focus on the positive and build as much as they could for themselves and their community. This trip has inspired me to do the same. Dr. Weaver helped to confirm what I already knew, which was my worth and existence as a divine being. I already know my purpose and my power, I speak on it quite often. However, Dr. Weaver also helped me to realize it goes far beyond knowing or talking the talk. I have to walk in my purpose I have to act as the goddess I claim to be. I can no longer settle for the bare minimum. I can no longer know my power and not exercise it. How dare I be mediocre when royalty and divinity are right here in my DNA flowing through my veins? How dare I let my ancestors blood, sweat, and tears be in vain as I live a meager existence? How dare I not live up to my potential? When it’s all said and done I don’t want to look back on my life and wished I had done more, seen more, lived more, and been greater. This trip has inspired me to see all that I can while I can, go everywhere I can while I can, talk to connect with everyone I can while I can, and just really enjoy life and live intentionally.

Another eye opening aspect of this trip were the college tours. I attended Howard University and I wasn’t very fond of my experience there. I never felt at peace there, quite frankly there was always too much commotion going on for me to even listen to my intuition. I went there without touring there or any other colleges other than those in the AUC. I knew I wanted the HBCU experience and to be surrounded by fellow black excellence. However, I didn’t put a whole bunch of consideration into how different the experience could be depending on what institution I attended. I chose Howard because it was known to be the #1 HBCU in the country and I went in studying Political Science which was one of their strongest areas. Unfortunately, upon my arrival I found that Howard wasn’t the place for me. I really wish I had toured other HBCUs before I blindly decided on Howard. I love nature and I do my best to stay connected to the Earth around me. Howard lacked the nature aspect I loved so much being in such a busy and bustling city like Washington, D.C. If I would’ve explored my options before I decided to go to Howard my life path would’ve turned out very differently. I don’t regret any of my decisions but I can acknowledge that there were other options that held great potential had I ever considered them. That was a lesson to me to never rush such big decisions or pick based on popular opinion. I really loved the Tuskegee campus, I felt at peace there. I would’ve loved to have a college experience in such a beautiful and calming place. Nonetheless, I am grateful to have seen Tuskegee when I did and of course it’s never too late to further my education at a more fitting university for me.

In conclusion, this voyage to New Orleans has taught me so much about myself, my history, my options for education, and the world around me. I am so thankful to have had this opportunity and I will continue to reflect on all that I learned in the days to come. All that I learned on this adventure will remain with me forever. I have gained so much more knowledge since this journey began on Thursday night and I feel quite powerful. I would like to end this by saying a big thank you to Dr. Weaver and all the donors who helped make this possible. What you all are doing for the youth (black youth specifically) is such a blessing whether we realize it at the moment or not. Not many people care enough about us to present such opportunities of great and affordable travel to us. Also, a lot of people don’t realize how important it is to instill service and humane acts into young people. Volunteer experience goes a long way not just on applications and resumes but in character building and helping us to be more loving and culture. So once again, thank you so much to Dr. Mike Weaver, Mark Gibson, Meeka, and everyone else who made this possible. -Jzada J.

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elmozzosays · 5 years ago

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May 26 2020 “You are not alone”

it’s clear as day. I want you to read the title until you run out of breath ---------------- You did? Good! I’ll tell you what happened to me yesterday and I was finishing work and take my usual ride home. Weather is turning nice as the days go by thus you’ll see me more on the saddle as summer approaches. It’s one of those feelings it could only be described by being on the actual bike. I am sure the same happens when riding a motorcycle, a Vespa or sailing. The feeling of the fresh summer breeze hitting you against as you ride -especially if you are near the bay- is amazing.

As i was leaving work, I was on the hunt for a mural that i needed to find and take a couple of pictures. My sister made me aware of it so i was on a mission. Guess what, I found it and it was more other than Maradona. An spectacular mural of him. It reflected the Mexico 1986 version if him on his glory days when he became a World Cup Champion. I didn’t see that on the tele since I was merely 3 yrs old but as I grew older, I read about his accomplishment. What a magnificent player he was. Anyway, as I was done, went near the bay to smell the salty river and feel that fresh breezy my body was demanding, as also the sun made an appearance. I stayed there for 10 mins as I was also taking pictures of the surroundings. Forgot to mention the city felt different because it was a national holiday (Memorial Day). In an alternative world, is the beginning of the summer since they make the official opening of beaches around here but because of the pandemic, the felling is somewhat bittersweet. Still, it will be summer for me, a different one for sure, but summer that is.

Once I decided to head back, I felt my phone started to vibrate. I thought it was some work related bullshit. I honesty can say once i get off work, I do not want to deal with it. I’m off the clock, see you tomorrow. I was wrong. It was my best friend who wanted to chat -in this modern times, face timing- Lost the first call, but on the second attempt, took it. It was so nice to see her -virtually- since the last time I saw her in person was around February before all this pandemic started ti break out. I’m sure she wanted to catch up and for me, it was the perfect moment to unveil what was going on around me. You may ask yourself why this call was important. She dealt with the same issues I am going thru. God, dis this call came on time. I described exactly what was happening to me and she started to pay attention. As I was coming up with the questions, she had an immediate answer. I knew she was the correct person who cold help me on this matter. She recommended me some herbs to drink -to tackle the anxiety- as well as catching up with each other.

I have known her for 6 years as we met -or broke the ice- at a pub on St. Patrick’s Day in 2014 -The pub was around Bleecker St- Purely coincidental, we became friends after that drinking binge of a night that was. We worked together for 9 months. I wish it was longer since we were a great team and til this day, one of my favourite person I have ever worked with. There will be the day we will work again on something I am sure of that. Not perfect like any of us, but I embraced who she is because she also gets my shenanigan ways. In the past, we have discussed about the fact that we would never date or anything since we have the same temper -very flammable- and also keeping in mind that I’d rather have her as a friend than nothing at all. If we would have dated it, God only knows what could’ve happened bur here we are still friends. I know she has her things going on -mum with kids- but she never misses a trace on checking up on me once in a while. On this pandemic and in the time of crisis -especially mental- she has been there. No one else. These are the things I do not forget at all. We have been in the good and not so good moments so I am sure we will talk about all this after this goes out the window.

Referring to the title of this journal, No one in this world should feel alone nor without help. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Don’t even joke about that. Do not ever assumed otherwise. You are worth all the while. We all this one person who is there for us no matter what. Tell that person how you feel, believe me, it’s like taking off 50 pounds out of your back. After I had that conversation with her, i felt relieved. Having all those things bottled up and releasing them, was therapy. I know I have to do some changes in my life to improved my mental and overall health but the first step was taken. If you need, help, talk to someone. You’ll be glad you did. You’re not alone. Much love,

-jaime

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