#what is there to say that hasnt been said already . they were so gay there and for what | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dear-ao3 · 4 months ago

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yeah you guessed it we’re in texas. yee fucking haw mother fuckers lets get down and dirty with it. 6 races to go. 3 sprints. 2 triple headers. pedal to the metal, balls to the wall, everything is still to play for.

today is october 27, 2024 and we are locked and beyond loaded.

as u may or may not know, the like month we had off was kind of uneventful. obviously we had the daniel and liam swap which ive already covered, but the real extent of the drama was:

people being baffled about yuki tsunoda flying in economy:

max verstappen went on a rant in some interview about how a man’s looks are not important, its what comes out of his mouth. which is odd for a variety of reasons. especially when you remember that he regularly talks about grindr. (yes hes in a long term relationship with a woman, no i have no idea either)

george russell posted the most baffling photo on his instagram, with the caption “Autumn has arrived”

he also ended up accidentally matching with his girlfriend carmen. he claimed that she was going to be the one to change (she did not change)

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he was also then taking photos of carmen the next day for her instagram story and accidentally caught his reflection in the picture. which was funny.

and then, bafflingly, mercedes decided to post a “russellisms dictionary” of essentially the weird british-isms that george russell says

moving on from that, pierre gasly tried to steal michael schumacher’s look from approximately 2003

and speaking of the schumachers. mick’s older sister gina got married over the break. which is very nice and very wonderful, happy for her, her dress was actually very pretty (a rarity among celebrities and people related to celebrities. sorry but its true. have u seen what vivian got married to nico rosberg wearing??? if not pls google it and remember that they got married in like idk 2012? 2013?) mick walked her down on the aisle it was very nice very sweet etc etc

but! there was a rampant rumor that michael schumacher (her father) was at the wedding. why is this a big deal? you might be asking. well remember that he had a skiing accident 11 or so years ago, had a traumatic brain injury and hasnt been seen in public since, all the world knows is Yeah He’s Alive and that's about it. (again id like to note that i am not taking issue with that, im stating facts, his family really doesnt need to tell us anything, this is all just relevant to what im about to say)

well. michael as u may or may not remember has a brother named ralf, also an ex f1 driver, but not even remotely nearly as accomplished as michael (tho they did race at the same time and theyre the only two siblings to both win races in f1) and yes this was the same brother who came out as gay a few months ago. he is kinda. problematic. not cause hes gay. but for other reasons we dont have time for.

they sort of? look alike??? as in u can tell theyre related but like theyre not spitting images of eachother.

well some people decided to find a picture of ralf at said wedding (a wedding at which no one was reportedly allowed phones, which generally means that michael was probably there) and pass if off as michael which upset the internet to no end and while i don't have any receipts to show you, the general sentiment of the responses were “omg if this is actually him then hes literally fine why did the family lie about it” which:

its not him

who cares what the family said? even if they did lie that's their own business and personally i would not blame them. at the time of said incident michael was, by a very long shot, the most accomplished person in f1 history. u probably don't want to have to deal with the public post traumatic skiing accident

hilariously though, a few days later, and please keep in mind that this is all according to something that roommate katya said he found on twitter but accidentally refreshed the page before he could screenshot it so i have no receipts to offer here, a photo of michael schumacher from about 1995 was posted in a news article next to a photo of his daughter gina from 2024 and the headline from the news article said something along the lines of “michael schumacher seen out in public for the first time in 11 years” and someone on twitter thought this meant that he had come out as a trans woman? because gina does look a fair bit like michael and thought it was a post transition pic? im not sure either but either way it was hilarious, if not slightly irrelevant to the whole post. but isnt everything on this post.

also related to the schumachers, laila, mick’s girlfriend, revealed that the two of them found one of their dogs on the street or he was a stray and they obtained him. hilariously, michael schumacher also did this back in brazil in like the 90s or the 2000s.

moving on from that. we have franco colapinto. everyone’s favorite media disaster child. now i Have been meaning to throw this on some of the previous updates But i simply havent had the space or the time so its going here. i know that i have mentioned that franco likes to flirt with the media people. and u can find a compilation of what i am talking about here

well.

you would have if someone had actually made a compilation of him flirting and generally being a little shit. but no one has. or at least i cant find it.

i also unfortunately don't speak spanish, and i know that several people have pointed out that the stuff that he is saying makes the most sense In Spanish and doesnt translate super well all of the time. so i suppose you will just have to trust me here.

i did find though from baku that he told ted kravitz that he was “talented with his tongue” in an interview. so that’s something.

and he did flirt with a reporter in baku, saying they were crying over his performance and not flirting but he did tell people to buy unofficial williams merch because its “is too expensive, not even Cristiano Ronaldo can afford it, you buy it and you'll be eating just rice for 2 months, don't buy it, buy the unofficial one, it's just the same and is cheaper!"

in any case, hes a little shit in the media. kind of like sebastian vettel (who was also a media menace. he flirted with the grid girls (who are not a thing anymore) wreaked havoc upon nico and lewis by trying to be their therapist in like 2014-16, and once famously tried to have a threesome with two girls but left because the girls were, in his words, more interested in each other than him)

so franco posted this on his instagram story

which translates to “media training day”

this was quickly followed by this:

which translates to “you are crazy, how could you believe i was going to do media training? i only drive cars”

and we also had some leo. because of course we had some leo.

first we had leo in a sweater and kind of stealing chares’s look

and then we had leo in a sweater at leclerc family dinner celebrating charles’s older brother lorenzo’s engagement

and we also had charles leclerc in a stupid big hat

charles was announced as a puma brand ambassador.

he was also asked if leo was a puma brand ambassador and he said no, but he Could be, and generally was a proud dad about it

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and fred vasseur saying that he wanted to arrange a dog fight between leo and roscoe next year??

and also between toto and christian. yeah idk either.

in the same interview, charles was asked about his thoughts on fred signing lewis. and this is how the news decided to report his response:

max verstappen released merch. it says “simply lovely” which is one of his catch phrases.

to do this, he needed to copyright the phrase.

if you recall. lando norris won the race in zandvoort and after winning he said, over the radio, “simply lovely,” basically stealing max’s catch phrase at his Own home race too.

daniel said after the race that yeah theyre good friends but max probably wont be very happy about that (or something along those lines) and max basically said that yeah i don't really care i gotta think about how shit my car is right now and not whatever the fuck lando is doing.

many people were like omg omg max WAS mad about this and ran out to get it copyrighted after lando said that!!! which is false. patents take awhile to get approved. and this patent was applied for in may, approved in august. though i do think its funny if lando knew that max was doing this and was like lol let me Really fuck with him here :) whos to really say for sure tho.

anywhoosies. lewis hamilton is also one of the chairs for the met gala next year. i could try to paraphrase what he said about it but i am not going to, so here was his instagram caption announcing that:

I’m beyond honored to be one of the co-chairs for next year’s Met Gala, “Superfine: Tailoring Black Style.” This theme speaks to me deeply. When I started my career I never imagined what I might be capable of beyond my sport. The pressure to conform holds so many people back. Growing up as the only Black kid on the track, so often that pressure got to me. Expressing myself creatively was and still is my freedom from that conformity. For Black people across the diaspora, fashion is self-preservation. Fashion is resilience, and I can’t wait to further explore and amplify our underrepresented voices. Thank you to the @metcostumeinstitute for the platform to uplift Black creatives on this scale.

and he released a capsule collection with dior. as a side note, i was in new york city this weekend and the ads for his dior capsule collection kept jumpscaring me all up and down fifth avenue.

someone on tumblr? i think??? decided to jokingly start a petition to the australian government about making a day national oscar piastri day to honor his race wins and etc etc and well. turns out enough people signed it so now it legally has to get looked at by the prime minister. of australia. this is what happens when we girlboss to close to the sun everyone.

mercedes posted a video of george russell showing his racing gloves things they have never seen before. which was charming but also kind of insane. also he had weird and different hair and was wearing a zip up hoodie? which theres nothing wrong with but its jarring to see mr tommy hilfiger dressed so casually.

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also speaking of george, he was in a photoshoot for ….well shit i don't remember but it was Something and he looked particularly slutty.

and he also did this picture which people compared to andrew jacoby (duke of kennilworth) in princess diaries 2

and well, we know that george is not a slut all of the time. if you remember, he recently posted some pictures about him being excited about fall or something. well. theres more.

yeah, frankly i have Absolutely No Idea what is happening here. mostly i want to know what on Earth the temperature is. why is he wearing a giant scarf but no hat? why is he wearing gloves and a scarf but no jacket and the cardigan is undone? and the gloves match the cardigan? but the white corduroy pants clash? and hes holding something warm but wearing gloves?? is he slaying? yes. am i confused? also yes.

in much sadder news, we have an update on one daniel ricciardo. yes, freshly dropped from vcarb daniel ricciardo. aparently he is alive and well and being featured on his friends instagrams wearing a hat that says “im retired, having a good time is my job”

and while he was Not going to be in texas for the race (sadly) (he had a special helmet and everything lined up apparently) his brand, enchanté was going to be. and, even more sadly, apparently he was supposed to be honored with the keys to the city during the race weekend. (if you're asking why, daniel loves texas, he goes all out every year, one year he literally showed up riding a horse, everyone joked that he was an honorary texan). so yeah. a lot of sad. im unsure if hes still going to get the keys to the city? i would assume yes, but unclear when.

definitely Not getting the keys to the city are mercedes for their weird, kind of sexual, kind of foursome esque promotional? video? for something??? idk they all look like they want to fuck the cars and george tells mick he wants to dominate him and mick looks like he wants to be anywhere But there. (side note cause i have no idea i don't go into this side of the fandom: do people ship these two? cause in my day and age this would be grounds for like at least 30 ao3 fics alone)

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and since we havent had it in awhile: the government mandated mclaren update!!!

lando and oscar took a photo with a baby, which lando looked positively thrilled about and oscar looked like he would rather be anywhere but there.

and they also did whatever this was. i have no context and no one else does either.

lando did a commercial for polo red cologne which made him kind of look like he was trying to be…well i was going to say a greaser but that's the wrong word. so im not sure.

oscar was photographed in a white button up shirt. which looks hilariously similar to the generic white button up shirt that everyone else takes pictures in. and i lost the link so just trust me.

and oscar and lando also did….whatever this is together.

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someone on tumblr dissected the (old) williams logo to an insane degree and it apparently is incredibly incredibly lopsided and crooked. doesnt really have anything to do with f1 at all but it is a funny read if you want to read it.

and it was world mental health day. lando posted some things about it and so did george. others might have as well but i only saw these two, which makes sense as they are two of the ones who have talked about mental health kind of extensively. take this as a reminder everyone, check in on your friends! say hi! let them know you're thinking about you!

so every year there is this thing called the race of champions. and I am not overly familar with it and how it works but i do know that a good few years ago mick schumacher and sebastian vettel competed on the same team representing team germany. and next year they are going to do the same thing again! which is cool!

and seb was seen wearing corduroy on corduroy again and was interviewed about who he thinks is going to win the championship. he said he thinks its max.

and so with that. we can finally get into the real actual race weekend.

media day

and well. we know this is texas. and everyone goes entirely out in texas. including alpine. who decided to do this.

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pierre later posted a photo series of the texas fits, and managed to post one photo of esteban, with no tag, the only one where he wasn't looking at the camera.

(they also kind of stole this from red bull a few years ago)

charles and george were asked to try to say lights out and away we go in an american accent. among other things. which was. interesting. i didn't realize it was so hard to say “y’all” for europeans.

alex was also asked to say yeehaw

and george later also said howdy partner, really really terribly.

george was also given a football during a fan stage and quite literally punted it into the crowd.

lewis showed up in all denim

yuki showed up in this slay of an outfit

carlos and charles were made cowboy hats

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and carlos also turned into a barista to make ollie coffee in the ferrari hospitality

it was alex albon’s 100th race, so he decided to go back to his first ever karting helmet for this weekend:

oscar also had a cool helmet that he is going to wear for This race And the vegas race (because 2 usgps are the same, right? no but i admire him for doing this its funny as shit)

and charles also had a helmet. im pretty sure. well i know he was wearing one. it would be bad if he hadnt. but im writing this on the train and my hot spot gave out so were on train wifi and my links wont open so this will be a surprise when i format everything later. (edit from the future, it was that he put a cowboy hat on his helmet)

and max ran a blue helmet. though it wasn't the daniel special helmet (sadly) it was still cool.

also with helmets come liveries. mclaren did a chrome livery which did actually look pretty cool.

and haas of course did a livery, as they are an american team.

and alpine was orange and totally stealing mclaren’s look. this was because they did a promo thing with the new indiana jones movie (probably cause like every celebrity ever (except nico rosberg) sponsors their team)

haas also got a sim??? maybe??? im not sure that's all it says in my notes and i cant be bothered to do more research on it than that right now, because again, train.

with our return to texas came the return of everyones least favorite sky sports presenter: danica patrick. remember, we all thought that she got fired earlier in the year for saying something about lizard people but turns out she was just taking a break until texas? well yeah, shes back. (why don't we like her? well aside from the weird lizard people thing despite her herself being a prominent woman in motorsport she doesnt want other women? in motorsport? im pretty sure that's the whole thing???)

and guess who else was back? that's right it was jenson button, danica patrick’s biggest hater.

and once again, they were the duo that Shouldn't

during the off week they (they being like the motorsport council or something) decided that next year there will be No extra point for fastest lap.

was this directly related to the Daniel Taking The Point From Lando thing in singapore? undoubtedly. man you really cant let a guy live in his own doomed narrative anymore, can you?

fernando alonso also had an opinion about it:

"there are not many things in formula 1 that are not in spirit of the rules. thats how you win championships. i think what daniel did in singapore is the dna of formula 1"

and of course, there was talk about the swearing and max’s community service penalty. mostly talk with george russell. the gpda director. you know…the drivers union leader???? yeah. here is what he had to say about it:

“it does seem silly that it has come to this. next week we’ll have a letter or something to show where we’re at” (we being the drivers, apparently they are all on the same page about this.) “we’ve yet to speak to the FIA as of yet, but we hope to do so probably next week, maybe in Mexico. collectively we’re all on the same page. next week, we’ll probably formally put something towards [the media] to read from the drivers as a united whole….we don't want to be taking away the heat of the moment emotions that drivers show during a race, and i think it is down to maybe the broadcaster when it comes to the race to choose if they want to broadcast that or not. it is very challenging for the drivers when you have a microphone you're talking with your team, you're in the middle of battle, but equally if its an environment [like a press conference] maybe we have a duty just to be conscious of our words. Next week we will probably collectively have a letter to share.”

unrelated to that, george also hinted that the mercedes next year might not suck?

and they made mick talk to a remote control car.

liam and yuki, the new teammates, were being silly at the fan stage because liam said: "we've had more crashes than i can count together over the years"

yuki: "the more we race the more contact we have"

liam: "its always yukis fault"

yuki: "no his"

liam: "obviously we cant to that now yuki"

oscar was aksed about having a rivalry with liam lawson. and he said that there isn’t really one because the cars are on diferent levels

"i kind of hope not, because i think with the differences in car performance. it we're rivals on track, then somethings either going really well for one of us or really badly for the other"

and max continued to cause problems by saying that oscar is Not a number 2 driver.

"for me hes definitely not a number two driver and if i was him u would never accept it."

red bull was forced to address the daniel thing and as expected they did so shittily. they said that his “post-F1 future is undecided.” and had to say he wouldn't be in texas and etc etc

and last but not least. fernando is brat.

sorry for the speed run here, but it is quite literally saturday and i refuse to get behind. the boys are already in mexico and qualifying as im writing this, i gotta speed up.

so sprint qualifying

remember how i said not even like 2 lines ago that it was saturday night? well now its sunday morning so really, please, just excuse the mess okay. i had a week. but i am nothing if not committed to the damn bit even though i know no one reads this anymore (i do not blame you for that btw, it is a long and slightly terrible post)

in any case. mclaren and and red bull and haas all brought upgrades (and maybe more actually). haas had a lot and i think mclaren did too. which you might think is odd because remember a sprint weekend means that there is only one practice session for you to get your shit together before you need to qualify for the sprint, and that is a challenge when you bring a lot of upgrades that need fine tuning.

(though i think mclaren also did this in miami? which was a sprint weekend and they managed to win that one, as im sure we all remember or maybe you don't)

in any case. mclaren did Not have their upgrades figured out. haas did though, which was wild because theyre haas. and also the cota track is notoriously bumpy and kind of different from most of the other tracks. crofty described it as having a “relenting, undulating nature” whatever that means.

alex albon decided that he wanted to go for a spin in sq1. martin brundle was unimpressed by this and said “a good car should spin like that.” hes probably right about that.

most shocking though was that oscar was out in sq1. mclaren Really Really didn't have their upgrades figured out At All. zak brown though decided to undersell that a little by saying “the drivers arent totally happy with the balance o the race car right now”

unshocking was that zhou had no power. as will buxton later said, no matter what upgrades they put into the stake car, it just doesnt want to work.

unshocking was also that ted spent about three minutes talking about the swiss flag. no i have no idea why.

and apparently i also have it written in my notes here that gunther steiner is opening a bed and breakfast. interesting. can we please get back to racing?

keving magnussen tried to get one of the vcarbs in trouble for an unsafe release, martin was displeased with this and was like no. bestie you are wrong. you drive 200kph around this track that release was not unsafe.

martin was correct, once again.

he was really batting a thousand today.

im not sure if that is actually how you use that saying but im slightly too lost in the sauce to care about it so.

yuki managed to knock checo straight out of qualifying which was objectively kind of hilarious. later on we had the post race show crew saying that we really Need to get yuki in a red bull to at least do some tests (aparently honda is pushing for this) because liam has done red bull tests but yuki hasnt.

liam lawson also found himself out in sq2, but hewas down in 15th, and directly infront of one oscar piastri in 16th. what was that about the rivalry, oscar???

franco and pierre also almost crashed. and franco cursed about it over the radio: “man gasly. what the fuck? we almost crashed!” but no community service for him….

into sq3. lewis hamilton was pissed that the team kept sending him out really really early. “cmon guys, that was not good” he said once his time showed that he was a whole .7 seconds. george was also p1.

franco also went spin. thats two williams now if you're keeping track. franco is also the first williams driver to make it to sq3 in 2024

and there were some new (?) camera angles at this race, one was a lower backwards angle that the announcers did not like because “its like driving backwards on a train” (it is actually kind of cool, makes the cars seem very very fast)

anyway. carlos, lando and charles could Not pass george’s time. but you know who did????

DUDUDUDUDU

MAX VERSTAPPEN

he was back on pole! back like he never left! .012 seconds faster than george! and people predicted that he wanted to make a Statement like lando had in zandvoort.

pre spring race itself there were some other funny things that happened like ruth buscombe talking about franco’s aura

and max gave some slightly longer answers in the press conference, but said that he is still protesting, "hes just not an asshole"im just a good person".

and also we gotta talk about the ferrari strategy. because ferrari did have a strategy and it seemed to be, no upgrades just a hope and a dream and charles leclerc

which did perhaps turn out to be correct because he qualified third

onto the sprint

so we had max starting p1, george p2, charles p3, lando p4, carlos p5, nico p6, lewis p7, kevin p8, yuki p9 and franco p10. and then you know, everyone else.

and 19 laps ahead of us.

straight out of the gate lando managed to launch himself forward into p2. which was nothing short of insane. it also left carlos and charles right next to each other. and after charles was done trying to fight george for p3 (and failing) he started fighting with carlos. like really fighting with carlos. like maybe slightly too much fighting with carlos. like i thought they were going to ram the hell into eachother fighting with carlos.

george, throughout this, stayed in his lance, as hes been doing this year and got a fastest lap.

which was soon taken by max.

despite their literal kerfuffles with eachother, carlos and charles both wanted to stop wasting time fighting eachother?

“weve got to try and get back to the others, if possible” charles said on lap 4

then carlos kind of shoved him slightly off and managed to pass him on lap 6 before saying “lets go and get them guys”

oscar meanwhile had made it to 12th

and there was other Steam brewing down the grid in the cockpit of one fernando alonso who had liam lawson trying to pass him.

“man” fernando said on lap 9. “the alpha tauri is such an idiot”

alpha tauri? you might be asking

yeah. that's the old name of the visa cashapp racing bulls. the last person to call them this was james vowels, all the way back in monaco.

the vcarb social media people had some fun with this when they decided to post this picture of liam and fernando arguing later in the pit lane with this caption:

oblivious to that though was carlos, who managed to pass george on lap 9.

there wasn't much george could do about though because he had killed his tires trying to chase down lando and had almost no tires left. “my left front is toast!” he said a lap later, getting overtaken by charles.

and then oscar got a 5 second penalty for pushing pierre off the track. been kind of awhile since weve had a good weekend of penalties. and this weekend, let me tell you, this was the first of Many.

charles didn't care about that though, because he put in a fastest lap.

i was watching with my sister by the way and it was at this point that she said to me “i think charles strategy is don't think just feel” and she was correct. because he was now back to chasing his teammate, absolutely no team orders to be had at ferrari. and charles apparently had slightly better tires.

and while he was doing that. yuki was battling checo. but he managed not to pass.

oscar arrived at the scene of that crime a moment later. checo was 9, yuki was 10 and oscar was 11. oscar eventually managed to get past yuki.

out in front by the way was still max and lando. and in case you're wondering, since miami, both of them have scored the Exact Same Number Of Points. wild.

meanwhile the ferraris had stopped scrapping amongst themselves and were now trying to scrap with lando. so we had a three way battle for p2.

what had happened with mercedes? well they were down fighting for fifth after the tire thing and lewis was mad that people were talking to him in the braking.

but the battle for p2.

lando was back a little way from max and just trying to hang on in front of the ferraris. carlos was in front of charles at this point. and then lando locked up slightly on the last lap and carlos got through! but!! charles was unable to! so lando managed to hold on to third!

and then there was an Incident or an almost Incident between charles and lando. charles was behind and trying to pass. right. as one does when they are racing. but then lando took a weird line into a corner and nearly almost brake checked charles who had to swerve to avoid him and was at at him about it.

still! lando managed to hold p3 until the checkered flag which meant: MAX WON!!!!

its been so long since we have said that but MAX WON!!! carlos came p2 and lando came p3. charles came p4 and he was so mad about it that he threw his helmet in the garage.

but at least his brakes didn't light on fire like valtteri bottas’s did on the cooldown lap.

max continued his hatred of sprint races live on air while being interviewed by gunther steiner.

“you’ve won 11 out of 16 f1 sprints (ever)” gunther said

“yeah,” max said. “maybe because i don't like them”

there was now a 54 point gap between max and lando and as laura winter said it only takes one dnf for this whole thing to turn on its head.

so lets look at real qualifying

heading into qualifying we now had both haas cars with the full upgrades (previously it had just been nico) and also liam lawson was inheriting daniels 10 place grid penalty for power unit changing plus like another 60 place grid penalty for even More power unit changing. also liam lawson hadnt raced in a car in over a year.

(and yeah remember fernando was picking fights with him. texas was fernando’s 399th start. liam has had like. 5. maybe fernando just needed someone new to pick on and be evil with? cause remember fernando is definitely a villain. hes incredibly villain. hes just been tame and someone reinvented his social media presence the last few years. but we all remember what he said many many years ago about michael schumacher (?) “i knew he would brake because he has a wife and kids at home”) (the red flags podcast talked about this kind of well actually)

fernando also passed liam coming out of the pit lane.

and you already know that we don't have time as usual so the interesting bits:

lewis hamilton got out in q1. for the first time ever at cota. “my goodness, what is going on there?” said martin about That. and he ended up in p19 which was a “total shock” (though he ended up starting p17 cause of reasons okay we will Get there). lewis said that “the car was a nightmare. should probably start from the pitlane otherwise i wont be going anywhere” (as in change a lot of set ups before tomorrow)

george also barely made it out of q1 and said over radio at the end “whoa that was a little bit stressful”

and liam lawson had a fun little moment where he went third fastest, which was “all he wanted to do” according to himself over the radio. essentially he wanted to stick it to red bull that he Can drive and he Should be in contention for the red bull seat. because apparently that is a thing that is happening (despite that checo posted the “im not leaving” clip from the office? friends? i don't know some tv show okay im bad at tv shows don't come for me ive never seen either after danny rics left)

so liam went through to q2 Despite having to start last because of his p3 and he essentially just helped out yuki by giving him tows, though yuki complained that they were bad tows:

“tell to liam when he gives me the slipstream, stay in the middle and go to the left at the end of the straight. i was picking up so much dust in the straight”

despite that, yuki still got out in q2.

kevin magnussen though made it to q3 for the first time this year. incredible.

pierre had a textbook unsafe release.

and george was through to q3 but he was suffering and said on the radio “i don't know what we’re missing compared to yesterday” over the radio before he took a little spin into the barriers and effectively ended the session.

that was bad news for max because he had been on a really really fast lap, but it was great news for lando who had been on pole.

“mixed day for the brits” the announcers said “lando on pole, george in the wall and lewis p18”

and that's where we found ourselves for the start of the race

george was starting in the pit lane because turned out that his suspension had been damaged and he needed to repair it. lewis was not starting from the pit line (like he said he would be) he was starting in p17

and charles, in all his furious glory because need i remind you that he threw his helmet, was starting p4 BEHIND lando, max AND carlos.

and yet somehow, off the line, he managed to LAUNCH himself into p1.

he being charles.

the launching being from p4 to p1.

off the line meaning turn 1.

truly it was a sight to see.

meanwhile, lewis had also managed to jump from p17 up to p12 and it seemed like he was on a regular rampage.

that is until, he managed to beach himself in the gravel on lap 2, effectively ending his race.

“That’s so unusual for lewis” said the announcers and they were right because !!! lewis has only had 32 dnfs in his whole career. which has been 18 years now.

regardless. there was a yellow flag. and a safety car! in this economy! we have had no safety car since Canada! (and this is the longest no safety car steak since 2003)

lando was attempting to say that max pushed him off the track to pass him (untrue) and lance dropped back down towards the back of the grid because he seemingly left the track and gained an advantage over alex albon but then clearly somehow lost that advantage

charles was already over a second ahead of max and had the fastest lap.

this was when lovely roommate katya said “you know. i too might think that charles leclerc is the seconding coming of christ”

though hold your prancing horses because carlos was having a problem.

he had dropped back a little, said he had no power on the corners and that it smelled like fuel in his car. “it smells a lot like fuel in the car guys” he said again on lap 10. he was told to sit tight. there wasn't really much else he Could do obviously but it was still slightly stressful.

while that was happening, zhou took a spin and came back on in p19.

and then ferrari managed to somehow fix carlos’s car. float like a cadillac sting like a beamer etc etc.

“the ferrari pace is mighty” martin said. “only max can stay near it”

liam lawson meanwhile had managed to pass fernando for 11th, with no comments this time. liam, btw, was not racing under the number 95 despite being the worlds biggest lightning mcqueen fan. he was racing under the number 30. unsure why he picked that number but. liam. i am disappointed.

george had managed to get into 15th. remember that he started from the pit lane. he then passed bottas for 14th and starting to chase down franco for 13th. this is something of a usual thing for george when he gets a penalty or a bad start, he becomes an absolute menace.

meanwhile charles was now 5.5 seconds clear of max.

and max had some kind of issue that he was told would get sorted out in the pit stop.

george managed to get past franco for 13th.

but he was given a five second penalty for apparently pushing bottas off the track.

george was displeased.

“what?” he said, comically.

“total joke with the penalty george, total joke” toto said over the radio.

so george only then became, somehow, more of a menace as the sole merc left standing. he was offered, btw, lewis’s upgrades after he had crashed in qualifying, but was like yeah fuck that i don't want the upgrades because they don't really work. so he was racing on the singapore spec car.

in any case! the stewards had not been being consistent with the penalties At All which was apparently going to get discussed in the upcoming union meeting, along with the swearing.

yuki and nico had a “terrific tussle” but it ended with yuki pitting. still it was good racing, hope you're watching horner!

and then carlos also decided to employ a Good Ferrari Strategy (they had clearly been saving it, those need to charge up like uh idk shells or something in mario kart? idk how mario kart works either sorry maybe IM the one batting a thousand today) by undercutting max on his pit stop. carlos pitted on lap 22.

charles was slightly displeased. “don't leave me out for too long i don't want to be under pressure” he said on lap 24.

and then, somehow, mclaren had pace again. and they started talking about something called the germany situation?

max came in to pit BUT the damage had already been done, carlos was ahead, he had undercut him!!!

and charles then came in on lap 26, with ferrari actually listening to him (for once)

pierre gasly had previously been pretty high up in the points but was having a rather rotten sour run of it down on his hard tires, which seemed to be a common complaint from almost everyone, but he went off the track to pass alex albon and then got a black and white flag for track limits, but no penalty…hm.

george was still rage mode insaning.

ferrari though still managed to have a classic ferrari moment despite how well they were doing because carlos was told “more phase 1 brake release in turn 1” and he said “i don't know what that means.”

mclaren finally pitted on lap 33. “theyre getting real dramatic on the mclaren pit wall” crofty said. “‘trust the car,’ ‘papaya rules,’ ‘the germany situation.’”

then, pierre got a five second penalty for the alex albon incident.

george, somehow, had gotten up to 6th and was chasing oscar. though he was on a one stop and was just about to come in (along with liam lawson)

the lead at this point was charles, carlos, max, lando and oscar. with lando setting the fastest lap.

and yuki and alex were now under investigation for an Incident with the Track Limits (see i told you there were plenty of penalties this weekend. maybe everyone got upset that kevin had stopped war criming) and yuki ended up with a 5 second penalty for it.

and in case you were wondering, checo (p9) was once again stuck behind franco colapinto (p8) in a race.

martin told us all that he had tried to introduce himself to franco earlier this weekend, but franco ignored him. he might have thought that martin was trying to steal his umbrella.

max was also complaining about the hard tires. “these tires just arent good, i cant brake i cant attack i cant do anything”

checo finally managed to pass colapinto on lap 38

yuki was mad that liam had ended up in front of him and he was told that “other car was more powerful than expected”

kevin magnussen got YELLED AT to box and i literally mean that his engineer was like “YOU MUST BOX NOW” but despite that it was a normal and standard pit stop.

carlos set the fastest lap on lap 40. charles responded with a faster one. they were still p2 and p1 respectively.

george pitted and served his 5 second time penalty. he came out in 8th. and yuki took a little spin in turn 1.

there were now 1.5 seconds between max and lando. who were battling for p3.

george took the fastest lap on lap 43. he had never before had a points finish after starting any lower than 18th. he overtook nico for 7th and then started to chase down checo for 6th, already lapping one second faster than him per lap.

meanwhile, lando had drs on max. and they were scrapping around like it was austria again.

franco then took the fastest lap on lap 48 and he was in p10 so he would get the extra point.

lando was .3 seconds behind max.

“textbook defensive driving from max” martin said.

they were still going. lando tried to pass max multiple times, but max was always slightly ahead and lando just ran out of room. he did finally manage to get in front on lap 53.

but it was off the track.

both had different views.

“he overtook me outside of the track!” max said

“I was ahead at the apex” lando said.

“he needs to give it back!” max said.

and so they went under investigation.

mclaren argued that both cars went off the track (because they did) but that lando was ahead at the apex.

while that nonsense was happening. esteban ocon went fastest (later franco got mad about this in a post interview he was like he took my fastest lap! why did he pit with two laps left for softs! cmon were supposed to be saving the planet! or something.)

in any case though, lando had exceeded track limits a bunch of times at this point and red bull told max that they were at least expecting lando to get a five second penalty for track limits, if not overtaking outside of the track. so max went flat out chasing him back down.

and george passed checo on lap 56.

lando was indeed given a 5 second penalty.

and he only finished 4.2 seconds ahead of max, so we had max getting p3.

but more importantly: CHARLES AND CARLOS GOT A 1-2!!!!

“and that's my boy! another win!” charles’s race engineer said.

lando was not in a mood to celebrate though. “well then i should have given it back shouldn't i?” he asked about the position over the radio, defeatedly.

“my god that was a hard race,” max said. “bit weird that you can overtake off the track.”

“well you cant,” his engineer said.

and while charles took his time waving to his adoring fans, everyone else pulled into parc ferme.

charles p1

carlos p2

max p3

lando p4

oscar p5

george p6

checo p7

nico p8

liam p9

franco p10

kevin p11

pierre p12

fernando p13

yuki p14

lance p15

alex p16

valtteri p17

esteban p18

guanyu p19

lewis DNF

and jenson button was waiting to interview the top 3

max said that he had opinion on how the overtaking with lando went but he wouldn't say

charles and carlos were distracted taking pictures and made jenson wait lol

carlos said that he did have to settle for p2 but was impressed with the pace and said that ferrari are doing much better this year (remember this car had no damn upgrades just charles a hope and a dream)

charles said that it was a difficult weekend but “well it was a pretty good turn 1, that was what i wanted to do!” and he also said that he is still targeting the WDC title, which he has something like a 2.7% chance of winning. stay delusional charles we love you.

the trophies were weird and by weird i mean literally shaped like tires. like they were tires. except charles was different. carlos dropped his and it bounced. the reason was that they had other ones but apparently they couldn't use them for copyright reasons? or something. so they got tires.

also mclaren ended their podium streak.

and ferrari are only 8 points behind red bull in the constructors championship now.

all in all it was a rather exciting race, for everyont except maybe oscar who said it was “pretty boring. my job was to find pace and keep people behind so that was my hour and a half.” he did also say that maybe lando and max and everyone else who got five second penalties should have “maybe done nascar rules and fought it out on track or in the garage (as in beat eachother up) but some people tried and got community service for it”

liam lawson also slayed. he went from 19th to 9th. in his first race of the season after a year out of the cars.

he said that he hasnt “spoken to him [fernando] since [yesterday, the sprint] i don't think ive done anything wrong, i expected him to put up more of a fight but he didn't.”

ollie bearman also appeared in the post race show and suggested that he replace will buxton as a presenter for mexico. “haas brought an upgrade this weekend, f1tv brings and upgrade next weekend.” they told him not to change.

also the dallas cowboys cheerleaders appeared and got james hinchcliffe to dance with them? and he was kind of flirting the whole time? actually they were both flirting the whole time? it was truly baffling.

but back to racing. lando thought he was in the right with what the team argued but “i don't make the rules.” also the presenters said that he keeps making the same passing move on max and doesnt do it quick enough so max has time to predict it.

charles was asked in the press conference if his strategy changed because of max. max told him to just say yes when charles hesitated.

and there was probably more but seeing as we have exactly presently 4 hours and 10 minutes to lights out in mexico and i still havent watched qualifying we don't have time for this.

we do though have time for one story and that is this:

my dad went on a business trip to austin texas early on monday morning after the race. and the whole time we were joking like oh haha watch dad run into a driver.

well

only my father could manage to check into the same hotel that liam lawson was checking out of by sheer and absolute coincidence.

his texts to the family group chat were, well, a little unhinged as he didn't remember liams name but somehow recognized him as a driver (despite the fact that he is probably the most obscure of them right now) and remembered what team he drove for. (ask me how you remember visa cashapp racing bulls but not liam lawson? i have no idea but that's my father for you) but he did tell us that he looked like “the guy from teen beach” meaning ross lynch. i don't know how my father even knew this comparison. he has seen teen beach once and fell asleep during crusin for a bruisin

so a few google searches later he had a name. which he shared with us.

since he was busy packing his car to presumably go to the airport, my dad elected not to bother him (he also couldn't remember if he had raced on sunday and didn't want to go up and be like hey good job! when he didn't know if he had raced)

but he did take exactly 7 stalkerish photos of him. which he shared with us. which i will now share with you so that you all believe me that this really happened.

and with that out of the way. ill see you all very very shortly in mexico.

the 2024 formula 1 silly season and drama master post, part 2 (part 1 here)

Hello and welcome to ah fucking fuck auto caps fuck fuck fuck how do i turn off auto caps AHA there we go okay. take 2

hello and welcome to the great and very insane formula 1 2024 season drama post, part 2. if you are new here or are just looking for part one (which contains the previous 16 (?) races, the off season, pre season testing and everything else, that can be found HERE. (a word to the wise: open it in a browser, not the app, and preferably on a computer to avoid crashing. its fucking long).

what the hell is formula 1? car go fast. fastest cars in the world zoom around tracks at top speeds of over 300kph, piloted by the top 20 drivers in the world. it might not sound dramatic, but oh man. you will Not be disappointed. this post focuses on the drama, the insanity, the sheer what the hell how is this a serious sport. no legitimately. we've just about seen it all this year. grindr, dogs, watersports, ice cream brands, its all here.

the point of this post? to educate, to catalog the insane drama, and to just have a good time. people like to gatekeep this sport, there is also a lot happening. i try to make it easy to understand. again, probably best to start at the beginning of the post because it does a pretty good job of explaining things, which i began way back in january, and can be found HERE (again, shes long, be careful)

and, as usual, if you do not want to see this post EVER AGAIN, block the tag #saph explains silly season 2024

and a second caution, i assume this post will be getting long as well. including this one we have minimum 9 updates left!

anyway, those of you who have been following along the whole time, welcome back! i know we got a little delayed. and i know we’re on a new post, so lets just briefly take a second for me to explain what the fuck happened. first i had an anatomy test, second i work 2 jobs with fuck ass hours, third tumblr decided to stop letting me look at any of my drafts, fourth tumblr support ghosted me about the drafts issue and the post was half saving half not so i just decided fuck it, were going with post 2, electric boogaloo, and fifth, i decided to start typing this instead in a google docs so. many changes. if you're new here i am usually more on top of this.

but here we are. were back on street circuits. we’re in baku, azerbaijan, for the start of the last third of the season. 8 races remain, world championship titles are still within grasp of multiple people. the drama is dramaing. and today is september 22, 2024 and lets fucking go.

first and foremost, on account of the fact that this post is late (again, see above), were going to have to do a bit of a speed run. if you're new here, i promise that this is not representative of my normal dedication to the update post. and for those asking, yeah, ill probably compile it somewhere better than a tumblr post after its all said and done, but we don't have time for that now.

what we do have time for is the Off Week (and like some of the media stuff). and it was filled with silliness:

george russell decided to wear what can only be described as slightly ugly yellow short shorts with his taylor swift shirt that he got at the eras tour. this was baffling for several reasons, the main reason being that i don't think the internet knew that he was capable of wearing a graphic t shirt

fernando alonso got his aston martin valkyrie finally. in case you are unfamiliar, a valkyrie i think is the worlds fastest street legal car. he posted tweets about this that made it seem like he wanted to fuck the car. hilariously, the car broke down an hour later.

we also had the very thrilling conclusion to grill the grid. oscar won and he somehow managed to look more pleased about his grill the grid win than his first race victory.

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nico rosberg went to the green awards and he wore a fantastically insane teal blue suit. yes i know hes not a current driver. but you all like hearing about him so ask and you shall receive. unfornunately i cant find a picture of it though

and also not a current driver is mick schumacher, but my roommate asked me to include that he was seen on his girlfriends instagram being bad at golf. like. exceptionally bad at golf. like he hit a tree 20 feet in front of him.

also playing golf was lando norris. except he managed to look like try bolton from high school musical 2.

he also talked about the world driver championship with his friend max fewtrell while they were playing golf. unfortunately i lost this link in the sea of technical difficulties, but the gist of it was that he was saying that there is still hope for him to beat max in the championship (hes about 60 points behind right now). lando doesnt usually talk about the championship because he doesnt want news outlets to paint him as “desperate” so this was interesting

charles leclerc had an insane off week. first he rear ended someone in monaco. then he spoke at a yacht conference. he was not scheduled to speak at said yacht conference, he was there doing something else and they were like hey you're cool people know you, heres a microphone. he alsp ended up on a weather channel while promoting a karting event he was doing for the jules bianchi foundation (his god father, the one who died during the f1 race in japan 2014). he also changed his instagram pop and re centered it because some random tiktoker told him it matched his aesthetic better.

oscar piastri posted a photo of himself sitting in the cockpit of a plane and then promptly deleted it. because he posted it on 9/11. for anyone who doesnt know what that is, that was when some terrorists hijacked commercial planes and few them into the world trade centers in nyc and the pentagon in washington dc

max verstappen also posted a plane pic with himself and lando norris, but he did not delete it.

we also had the return of daniel ricciardo’s jpg instagram account, which is kinda like a finsta for photos that hes taken. i think lando started this a few years ago.

heading into the race week we certainly got a weird ass batch of pr. including but not limited to:

lewis hamilton was back on top and slaying in the fit game. as was yuki.

lewis hamilton also exposed george russell as listening to katy perry pre race. katy perry and taylor swift (this was after he claimed that he liked listening to old school rap music.) though, lewis then started singing wrecking ball???? confusing vibes all around

george was not off the hook yet tho because some intern definitely make him say skidibidi toilet or whatever the thing is idk, i might be gen z but im not insufferable, okay? actually george in baku was just all kinds of unhinged

george and alex also got up to something, what it is no one knows but it is clearly something

max pulled up to the paddock de aged about 10 years. picture one is of him in baku in 2015 (i believe he was 17) and picture 2 is this year. no i am not kidding.

and franco walked into the paddock telling everyone about argentinian mate (which is a drink, not a friend)

and max shoved a microphone out of the way so everyone could gossip

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then of course, we had some slightly more relevant drama

haas announced that ollie would be replacing kevin at baku. in case you forgot, kevin magnussen received a total of 12 penalty points over the season so far, which means he gets one race ban. how did he get the points? well he was mostly wreaking havoc on everyone else so that his teammate, nico hulkenberg, could drag his car into the points. lets all remember the time in saudi arabia where he managed to get 20 seconds of penalties by basically driving like a mad man just to make sure that nico could keep his position after he pit stopped. anyway, nico was kind of pissed about the race ban situation and said “maybe the guidelines for F1 penalties need to be reviewed as the stewards ‘want to get involved’ no matter the contact.”

in any case though, k mags was out. and ollie was in. we’ve seen ollie before. notably he subbed in for carlos sainz at the saudi arabia gp when carlos had appendicitis. he managed to get points as well. since then, he has been announced as a haas driver for 2025 and is now subbing in for k mags (haas, later in the week called him a super sub. clearly no gen z person read that over.) he can do this because ferrari has a haas engine so they share reserve drivers.

adrian newey finally got employed. i know! i can hardly believe it either! but he did! and youll never guess where!

ferrari? no that would be too obvious.

mercedes? nah

williams? no too much of a shit show

aston martin? ding ding ding! just the right amount of shit show!

that is right. newey is going to aston for 2025.

apparently he was offered a “good package” according to himself, which i assume means pay and also the fact that lawrence stroll made him a shareholder? stakeholder? whatever its called. in the team itself. basically he has a lot of power.

he said that he always wanted to work with fernando and lewis. and he couldn't do both. and aston had a better package than ferrari.

fernando looked positively evil during all the announcement pictures. and called the team "definitely the team of the future" and for those of you who don't know, fernando is positively evil. hes just been stuck in a shit box and we havent seen very much of him, but man does he know how to evilly slut it up. so that will be fun to see.

by contrast, people said that lance was not excited enough. and well. lance 1. has resting bitch face and 2. never really looks excited about anything. also he lives in a world where take your child to work day somehow became his job. (his dad owns the team).

lewis hamilton was asked what he thought about adrian not going to ferrari, and here's what he had to say:

"i feel like, while I have mentioned before that it would be an honor to work with adrian, i have been privileged to work with two championship winning teams that didnt have adrian."

mclaren announced pato o ward would do FP1 in mexico. who is pato o ward? hes one of mclaren’s indycar drivers and one of the f1 reserve drivers. he is incredibly charming and definitely runs his own social media as seen here:

mclaren Also claim they figured out who their number 2 driver is and they claim its oscar. i say they claim because the statements were a lot more complex than that. essentially, according to andrea stella, the priority is to the team first, then lando and then oscar. so they didn't outright say that oscar is the number 2 driver and i am willing to bet real money that this is because mr mark webber, oscars manager, has something in oscars contract that prevents him from being a number 2 driver. this is of course because mark webber was one of the most infamous number 2 drivers in f1 history to none other than menace war criminal sebastian vettel, who in their time as teammates, managed to win 4 back to back world champions. or, top to bottom if you're mrs darbus from high school musical.

lando was asked about this and he said that yes, the team does support him. though he would not expect oscar to give up a win for him and that it is more complex behind the scenes. i suppose we will see if there are any papaya rules coming out this weekend….

and oscar said "i think the main point is its not purely just going to be me pulling over for lando every single race, because thats how none of us, including lando, wont want to go racing, if we feel that someone has done a much better job on a weekend, whichever way it is, we want that person to be rewarded."

max verstappen commented on the mclaren situation as well. which was funny mostly because red bull has one of the most defined number 1 and number 2 drivers of any team. he said "you look at it form oscar's perspective, he is closer to lando than lando to me. they have to deal with that."

and allow me to put on a tin foil hat as we are about to talk about the future of the red bull seat. because all i have to offer here is a baseball hat and a red bull can.

a long time ago we talked about the red bull cans. the ones that red bull makes to promote f1. at the end of last season red bull put max and checo on the red bull can. this season at the start it was just max on the red bull can. well. now checo has reappeared on the cans too. and i will tell you what i think this means. it means that checo is not getting swapped this season, which was a possibility for awhile.

but! there is more!

daniel ricciardo made an instagram post this week. and it was very interesting. but most interestingly he was wearing a red bull hat.

which he does occasionally, no big deal really. he did race for the for several years, he technically does currently. BUT then he showed up TO THE PADDOCK wearing the red bull hat.

which is Big Interesting. usually you show up in a statement outfit or wearing the team kit. and daniel is not a red bull racing driver. he is a visa cashapp racing bulls driver. they might be owned by red bull but they are Not the same team. so why the red bull hat. in the paddock. well, the rumor is that hes taking checos seat for 2025. and the rumor is that this will be announced before mexico. so checo can have a proper send off.

and with that. the baku lore.

theres a lot that has happened at baku. as i said its a street circuit. and i think its the fastest street circuit. but over the years theres been some notable events.

such as the great kimi raikkonen radio for gloves and steering wheel:

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they gave mini kimi this week gloves and steering wheel in honor of that

the max and daniel crash in 2018 when they were running p1 and p2 respectfully

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and of course. how could we forget. charles’s infamous “i am stupid” radio.

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speaking of charles, he crashed again in fp1. not quite in the same spot, but nearly. he took a picture with the marshalls.

then in fp2 he rage quit, basically saying that the car sucks.

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but he was back and better than ever in practice three because he managed to top the time charts. welcome back fuck ass ferrari.

some other teams definitely experienced the lows but not really the highs of baku during practice. like lance stroll who came on the radio to say “this is not a car” (good thing they have adrian newey now, right?

franco colapinto also cut his ear before practice on the neck strengthener stretcher thing that they all use and the team wanted to give him stitches but he was like no no no i need to be in the car in about 5 minutes im not doing that. so he jammed on his helmet and jumped in the car. he also crashed and when he went to the medical center he took off his helmet and there was blood everywhere and they were like no no no you cannot race! and he was like no! this is not from the crash! and then explained it and they let him do qualifying.

also im pretty sure? ollie bearman crashed? in practice? but frankly i don't have time to google it so whos to say.

but alas. qualifying.

i know i know this is kind of a shitty update. i promise ill go all out in singapore. i PROMISE.

so as i said. its a street circuit. high speed. 90 degree corners. and also windy as hell. we also had the dynamic duo of karun and harry in the commentary box.

max led the first practice, george led the second and i think charles led the third. or some order like that.

slipstream here is almost essential (slipstream: going behind another car to reduce the wind drag so you can go faster)

charles has the last three pole positions (first in qualifying) here in baku, but he has never won. by comparison, red bull have never had pole here but they have won.

and franco has never been to baku before.

i think that's all the exposition that we need here.

q1 started with max complaining about his car. “the car is jumping around like crazy on the rear axle” he said. despite this he was sitting in p3.

the mid field battle though….the mid field battle was heating the hell up. mostly because none other than franco colapinto, who if you will remember, has never been to baku before, had split the two ferraris. he was in third for the moment, .109 seconds behind carlos sainz and .159 seconds ahead of charles leclerc. we still had a lot of qualifying left to go, so this was probably not going to stay, but it was still insane. he was pushing insanely hard, nearly kissing the walls. clearly he had learned from his crash in practice.

the two mclarens waited until the very end of q1 to do their final flying push lap, and oscar made it through, but tragedy struck for lando.

lando was in the middle of his last flying lap, time was ticking down, and there was a Very Brief yellow flag on the track. now, according to rules, you cannot complete your flying lap if there is a yellow flag. so lando pitted and was stuck down in 17th and out of qualifying. this would be the first time that he was out in q1 since vegas last year (which if i remember correctly was also not his fault)

now though, of course nothing is ever that cut and dry. people thought that there had been a mis showing of a flag. yellow flag means that a car is stopped on track, white flag means that a car is going slowly on the track. and people thought that there had been a yellow flag shown when it was actually supposed to be a white flag (if there had been a white flag then lando would have been able to keep doing his flying lap) lando himself said that he had no idea what people were talking about because there is a light on the steering wheel that lights up when flags are called and he had a big yellow light. so it was clearly a yellow flag.

if you're concerned about lando being able to pull it out of the bag, id like to point you in the direction of the mexican gp last year where lando qualified 17th and finished 5th. on a track that was hard to overtake on. he can be absolutely insane when he wants to be. worry not gentle reader.

in any case. also out in q1 was daniel ricciardo, valtteri bottas, zhou guanyu and esteban ocon.

and notably, williams, who was on fucking fire this weekend as we already saw, finished q1 with alex albon in second (ahead of oscar) and franco colapinto in 8th. pierre gasly had somehow managed to also get into 4th. and nico hulkenberg was in 7th with ollie bearman in 13th. i told you the mid field battle was heating the hell up.

q2. everyone zoomed straight out of the gate. they didn't want to get lando norris’d. but, speaking of that, if lando managed to get no points in the race and charles managed to win, charles would overtake lando in the drivers championship. mark webber himself told this to charles, who was absolutely baffled.

in any case, charles was kinda suffering right now and that was because he was not getting slipstream from carlos to make his lap faster. meanwhile, carlos seemed to be actively trying to give charles the slipstream because he came on radio to say “he keeps missing the tow”

and amazingly, franco colapinto was 4 tenths AHEAD of alex albon. alex albon who had not been unqualified by his teammate once since the start of 2023. ex red bull driver alex albon. that alex albon.

max topped the times in q2, followed immediately by charles. insanely, fernando alonso managed to drag the aston martin to fifth. and franco was right behind him in 6th. by comparison alex albon was in 10th.

and from q2 we lost ollie bearman, yuki tsunoda (who has never qualified lower than 8th in baku), pierre gasly, nico hulkenberg and lance stroll. so yes, ollie bearman managed to outqualify nico hulkenberg. this is ollies second ever f1 race.

steaming on forward to q3.

we had, for review, in q3 the following:

both ferraris, both red bulls, both mercedes, both WILLIAMS (has not happened since vegas 2023), plus fernando alonso and oscar piastri.

right out the gate it was wild.

“red bull! theyve re found their mojo! or have they!” karun said. red bull were in 5th and 6th and not entirely sucking for the moment.

everyone did one flyer and then came out at the end for a second flyer.

here were the standings:

charles, carlos, oscar, george, checo, max, lewis, alex, franco, fernando

and everyone was making it to the line and all was going smooth until-

wait a second what is that

could it be! alex albon! with the air box fan still on his car! surely not!!!

oh but it was! and harry and karun were like oh wow so unfortunate for williams tisk tisk

meanwhile ted jumped on the radio to Loudly announce to everyone that this was insane and if i have time here i will put the rant he ranted cause it was Fantastic.

and what do you know i have time

so we had 3 minutes left qualifying and everyone was pulling out of the pits for their last flyer when oscar hopped on the radio to say

"the williams still has the air box fan in"

"oh what an error! disaster for williams!" karun and harry said. they speculated if the marshalls could get it or if the session needed to be red flagged. but alex threw the fan off the car.

and then they asked "ted have you ever seen that before?" and ted did not hold back:

"ITS A MASSIVE YELLOW FAN HOW COULD YOU MISS IT???!!! HOW COULD THE MECHANICS MISS IT???? I CANT BELIVE THEY WOULD MAKE SUCH A MISTAKE DOWN AT WILLIAMS! SUCH AN EXPERIENCED BUNCH OF GUYS AND GIRLS! WHAT IS GOING ON AT WILLIAMS OPERATIONALLY? HOW COULD YOU SEND A CAR OUT LIKE THAT?"

alex, obviously, got fined for an unsafe release 5k euros. he also had to throw the fan off to the side and got slightly covered in dry ice. he did not get to the a second flying lap.

franco did tho!

and here were out qualifying results:

p1: charles p2: oscar p3: carlos p4: checo p5: george p6: max p7: lewis p8: fernando p9: franco p10: alex p11: ollie p12: yuki p13: pierre p14: nico p15: lance p16: daniel p17: lando p18: valtteri p19: zhou p20: esteban

oh ho ho but we werent done yet. because pierre gasly got disqualified from qualifying. for failing fuel flow regulations. and lewis was going to have to start from the pit lane for changing his power unit.

everyone, and by everyone i mean oscar max and checo, pretty much said that charles was going to get pole no matter what, they knew this coming in and the best they were trying for was second

onto the race.

notably, this is considered a checo track. this was one of the three races that max did not win last year. because checo won it. its a track that he does well on, evidenced by the fact that he qualified above max in qualifying. so people were expecting big things from him.

and so, we head into lap 1.

charles managed to hang onto the lead. checo passed carlos straight out of the gate for third and max managed to pass george to take fifth. lando had managed to get ahead of nico and up into 13th. notably, franco held onto 8th and ollie was able to hold onto tenth.

someone who was not doing well was lance stroll, who came on the radio saying that he had a puncture. this was from contact with yuki. lance had to pit for fresh tires and was pretty immediately thrown to the back of the grid.

by lap 2 lando had managed to get past daniel and was in 12th, he was trying to get past yuki next, which he managed by lap 3. yuki also lost a spot to nico.

also slaying in the mclaren was oscar, who took fastest lap. then charles took fastest lap.

and lewis hamilton, who had started from the pit lane, was up to 16th. already. somehow. though he was displeased with the tires, sayig that “this tire is pretty bad” over the radio.

yuki meanwhile was clearly having a problem because he had started going very very slowly. thought the pit wall said that he had no problems. this would later turn out to be false but we will indulge them for the time being.

franco was STILL ahead of alex albon on lap 6. STILL.

lando on lap 8 managed to push his way into points positions, overtaking ollie bearman for 10th. though this was where things were about to slow down for him because in front of him were alex, franco and fernando, who were all very close together and would be hard to get past.

george was back in bad luck hell as a plastic bag entered his airbox. will he ever catch a break.

on lap 11 nico hulkenberg finally caught up with ollie bearman and passed him for 11th.

and max’s car was not working. to potentially no one’s surprise. “i have zero bite in the car” he said. and this was probably true because checo was a whole 6.5 seconds ahead of him. insane gap.

several pit stops later that i will not detail out because we simply do not have the time, alex albon ended up in 4th and lando ended up in fifth. and oscar was about to get undercut by checo.

“mojo seems to be back for checo perez” harry said, correctly.

mojo was back for him indeed. and now he was right behind lando.

and if you will recall, according to mclaren themselves, priority at mclaren is the team first, then oscar, then lando. but oscar was ahead of lando. so what did mclaren do?

they asked lando do hold up perez, but not compromise his own race.

remever a long time ago when i said mclaren wouldn't have any internal drama this season? man how i was wrong.

lando managed to hold up perez for around a lap or two before he got past. this was crucial because this was during when oscar was in the pits.

thanks to lando and the power of the papaya rules teamwork, oscar ended up coming out in 4th, only .706s ahead of checo.

mclaren are working together everyone! mclaren are working together!

meanwhile, turns out that yuki did indeed have problems because he retired on lap 17 with a hole in his sidepod from the contact with lance on lap 1. this was now two races in a row where he had had to retire for reasons out of his control.

several more people pitted. and eventually charles was back out in front, oscar was in p2. until he wasn't. no, he didn't dnf. he overtook charles! he was in p1! he popped out of nowhere! nowhere being 2 car lengths back and just flooring it to spring around charles like a little silly slinky! karun called it a “good, fair and robust defense,” which sounds like its descibing notes in wine. but this was not wine. this was the baku gp. and we were only half done.

ollie bearman was defending against lewis hamilton, holding on tightly to 14th place.

charles was still behind oscar and he could not get past, despite the fact that he was still very much in spitting distance. “they are pushing like crazy or they have more grip than us” he said.

carlos got past both lando and alex albon and was up into 4th

this brought max up behind lando. max was on 11 lap old tires and lando was on 24 lap old tires. but lando still defended like hell and managed to hold onto sixth. max was 0.632 seconds behind lando on lap 25 when he said that “my brakes are not working.” this was hardly a surprise. max has hated the car since china.

also experiencing technical difficulties was sir lewis hamilton. he was stuck down in 14th and was first told to do “everything you can do to get the surface temp down” of the tires. he said “im trying” then several laps later on lap 29 he came on the radio to say “are you seeing how i have to drive this thing?” “yes,” bono, his engineer said. “quite effective though.”

max was still half a second behind lando. mclaren faked a pit stop call over the radio to get max to pit. he did not.

but, george russell did manage to pass him. which was “not good for max’s world champion aspirations.”

this was also when ted very bafflingly said that “if i had a sofa in the pit lane i would be jumping up and down on it” im not sure what that was in response to.

meanwhile, ollie was still holding off sir lewis hamilton. and charles was trying to get oscar to pit again by lying over the radio. it was not working.

lando did a pit stop finally and came out a whole 15 second behind max. he was hoping to catch max by the end of the race. but it might be tight. lets go last lap lando.

“lando, imagine andrea on your shoulder saying ‘zero wheel spin’ in every exit,” lando’s race engineer said. if you're confused, everyone else was too.

10 laps to go and here were the order of affairs:

oscar

+.449s charles +1.865s checo +2.989s carlos +16.530s george +1.909s max +11.535s lando +9.715s fernando +2.589s alex +2.451s nico +4.667s franco +1.590s lewis +1.261s ollie +1.791s pierre +9.205s daniel +23.919s esteban +.789s lance +3.862s valtteri +3.631s guanyu

lando was determined. he took fastest lap on lap 43 and was 8.8s behind max

at this point, the leaders were starting to lap the cars in the back. “the back markers are starting to come up,” checo’s engineer said to him. “its going to get messy.”

“hold onto your hats and if you don't have one go get one and hold onto it” harry said. harry would turn out to be correct.

we had the top 3 all running very close to eachother, that was oscar, charles and checo and “welcome to the party carlos sainz!” who was now 1.2 seconds behind checo in the four way battle for the lead.

definitely not leading was lance stroll, who retired on lap 47 with a brake problem.

oscar managed to pull ahead of charles by 1.5 seconds, finally knocking him out of DRS range. so now it was a three way battle for second. and charles had “no rear tires. no rear tires at all.”

and, just like i said he would, lando managed to pass max on lap 49. he was closing the gap slowly in the championship.

“verstappen’s day goes from bad to worse,” harry said. because lando still had fastest lap, so he would score 3 more points than max. which is important if lando wants to beat max in the championship (though i think hes still like 60 points behind)

meanwhile! franco managed to pass nico hulkenberg for 10th! he was in the points!!!! at his second race!!!

but this was short lived because there was a crash! a big smackeroo! between carlos and checo!! checo was mad, carlos didn't know what happened.

what happened was that carlos was trying to pass checo but checo did not move over. it was deemed an equal fault accident. both of them were utterly confused at what happened and apparently spent 20 minutes in the medical center being utterly lost and aparently saying that sometimes this sport sucks. and! contrary to what several people said! checo did not bang on carlos’s helmet after the crash.

the crash actually caused chef's dad to have a heart attack. he is stable now.

and well. this clip of george from the post qualifying interviews definitely didnt age well:

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but! since we were a matter of a few laps from the end, this meant that the rest of the race was finished under a virtual safety car.

which meant

OSCAR PIASTRI WINS THE AZERBAIJAN GP

and george inherited p3!

and on his own merit too! no safety cars, no team orders, no weird shit!

“yes!” he whispered over the radio.

he almost fell getting out of the car, then gave us all the “one moment” hand gesture before properly celebrating.

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he also got driver of the day!

(this was marginally better than george russell, who said over the radio “i cant get any rubber (to pick up on his tires) all im getting is leaves”)

gunther steiner also hosted the post race interviews. which was interesting.

george said that the most difficult part of the race was “driving full gas into a wall of carbon fiber on the penultimate lap…the vsc should have come out sooner”

charles bashed ferrari because they didn't do any high fuel runs in practice.

oscar was entirely pleased. “i managed to overtake and hold onto it for the next 35 laps..one of the better races of my career.” and honestly, oscar winning a race straight after mclaren basically announcing that he was their number 2 driver is nothing short of hilarious.

and! mclaren was now leading the constructors championship by 20 points! for the first time in ten years!!!!

the top three had a moment outside of the car that was filled with baffled:

and oscar's engineer tom got to stand on the podium with him. he usually takes a selfie with oscar after each race he podiums at, but he was too excited to so george took this picture for them

(george also aparently demomished oscar in a game of uno on the plane, immediately humbling him)

george also shielded himself from the champagne on the podium

the cooldown room reacted to the crash in a very straight forward manner:

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and very quickly cause its midnight and the singapore gp starts in 8 hours, the post race, speed ran:

-mark webber told off laura winter for thinking that oscar didn't have good tire management

-alex albon was “super happy, that's a lot of points for us” (williams finished in 7th and 8th). he cut his own interview short when ollie bearman arrived, saying “I can go, im happy to go” and then waving comically.

-williams was so pleased with this result they blasted everyone with champagne. and they overtook alpine in the constructors championship! this was also their best race finish all season

-(and a quick note, if youre going to really blame logan for being that shit of a driver here, please remember that the car he was driving was several rounds of upgrades behind alex's pretty much the entire time he was driving it)

-ollie became the first driver to ever score points in his first two races for two different constructors because the double dnf pushed him up to 10th place. he said that there was not much difference between the haas and the ferrari, the ferrari was just red

-franco continued to charm everyone and flirt with the reporters.

-they interviewed george and lewis and the camera had to be adjusted for george's height. it was comical and resulted in my favorite edit so far of the season (sound on)

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-lando looked pleased and happy for once. he said about holding off checo that “i didn't hold him up i just had to cool my tires a little.” he was delighted to be leading the constructors for the first time in ten years and he defended alex albon saying “i struggled to get past alex for a while, which is common, alex doesnt make mistakes.” he also ratted on max for going to fast during the VSC and said “i didn't complain, facts were stated.” and to sum it all up he said that “im executing things well, i’m very quick…i’m not going to be the happiest guy, but i am never the happiest guy….car is performing well everywhere…some red cars behind us seem to be our biggest competitors right now”

-by comparison george insulted all of pirelli. the tire people. “pretty infuriating that it (the pace) changes this so much….its black magic, people who make the tires don't understand the tires…..for 20 laps we had a car not worthy of points and for 20 laps we had a car fighting for victory and the only difference is the tires.”

-lewis was notably upset after the race and walked through the paddock with his helmet on, not wanting to talk to anyone. but he did talk to franco and ollie and congratulate them on a job well done defending against him and racing against him. franco even fangirled over this on his instagram.

-charles was clearly upset with ferrari. he was so upset he posted a thirst trap.

-and oscar. oscar was very happy this afternoon. and his mom was there! she doesnt usually come cause it scares her, but nicole was there today!

-mclaren celebrated with a hell of a lot of champagne. both oscar’s wina and lando’s insane recovery, and the fact that they were leading the championship. red bull have been dethroned, at least for now.

-there was so much champagne that lando took off his socks to spray it. all seems well at mclaren.

-at least one thing is for sure, oscar had a better time here this weekend than last year when he got food poisoning and only ate four pieces of toast

and with that. we head into singapore. quite literally as it is starting in a few hours. again, i apologixe about this post. its a little sad, but the next one will be better. pinkly promise.

see you all soon!!!

#not a tag #from saph #saph explains silly season 2024 #cota 2024 #i dont want to hear it #there are 14 minutes until lights out in brazil I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT I KNOW IT WAS CLOSE OKAY #Youtube #Instagram

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omegawolverine · 4 years ago

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Plesse tell me about queerness in the get down!!

okay okay queerness in the get down let's fuckn goooo

disclaimer: I havent watched this show in full for like 5 months at least, probably gonna get something wrong and/or forget some more important bits. also this wasnt proof read I just word vomited

tws: period typical homophobia, abuse mention, f slur use, bury your gays trope, overdose mention, mention of a creepy possible age gap (the age gap hasnt been confirmed so that's why its possible), cops

going from least to most prominent queer characters, let's start with mylene cruz!

so, from the beginning of this show she has an established romantic relationship with ezekiel (although the status of their actual relationship changes frequently throughout the show) and though this was a relationship she was hesitant to pursue, it is clear that she does have romantic feelings for him and if not for them both having growing careers in very different music genres (zeke specifically working in a genre that she repeatedly labels as bad because she thinks they're ruining records + that it isnt real music because they're using someone elses piece and rapping over it, that's not really important here tho lol) they probably wouldve had a much healthier, smooth sailing romance. that being said theres a few things that happen in the show that, while not explicitly clear, or even really good coding at that—to the point where you wont catch if you really arent looking for it (and trust me, I always look for coding, hers was just so little that it flew over my head until I saw someone else mention it)—are still cool to think about!

so, for starters, I wanna mention the toy box performance, which was performed by mylene and regina, who are best friends. that's all cool and shit, and you dont really think much about it...until you hear about the fact that the show runners purposely colored a lot of the scenes in that performance with the bi colors. like. the writers after the show ended basically said "oh yeah there was plans to make her coding more explicit, but our shit got cancelled soooo" and then dropped the fact that she was gonna be bi (or at least implies bi) in the series, which puts a new twist on a few things.

now, besides the bi coloring in the background of the toy box performance (which was mostly on scenes with her and regina, which involved a lot of uh,, lowkey lewd dancing. with each other. in very revealing outfits. wooooo), there's her music! I dont tend to read too much into this one bc, like I said before, her coding is fucking light and the writers themselves said they didnt really get to do much with it, but I think some stuff with her music is interesting. specifically how her, yolanda and regina's song set me free blew up because dizzee, resident (lowkey enby coded) bicon, got their song played in a queer club. also that the song was majorly important to dizzee and started playing literally right as he kissed a boy for the first time and realized "oh shit I like boys that's bonkers". also that the song can be taken in a gay way since literally the entire thing is about becoming your true self, fully and unapologetically, which is what both dizzee and mylene's entire character arcs are about. dizzee (and a lot of other queer people, apparently), heard this song about being set free and it resonated with them so much that they got that shit most of its popularity.

speaking of dizzee and mylene, they parallel each other a lot in the way that their arcs are about them realizing who they are, coming into themselves and no longer just letting people treat them like shit in a sense (dizzee starting to tell people essentially that they can call him weird all they want, they can make fun of how he acts, what he likes, how he dresses, etc. but he likes how he is and quite literally saying "it's okay to be an alien" as he has consistently compared himself to one throughout the show vs mylene learning that if she wants to be a disco singer she needs to put her foot down, not let anyone, not even the love of her life, not even her abusive father, stop her from achieving her dreams, etc. and continuing to pursue her career with or without their support). one more little parallel that I think is interesting is during I think s2 towards the end of the show is when dizzee and thor are shown together having fun with each other, painting all over the building and each other and are basically just being happy and in love together and then they have these clips of them being interspersed with clips of mylene at a party where she is starting to realize that if she wants to get anywhere she needs to be her own main priority and that she needs to put her career and her dream, which is what makes her the happiest, above all else if she wants to succeed. idk I just think how the show made these two into a weird parallel, accidental or not, is neat. maybe not an explicitly queer parallel, but I think at least how her music and whatnot helped dizzee, the main queer character in this show, blossom, is important.

moving on we got shaolin fantastic also known as "oh no your internalized homophobia is showing-"

so, heres a quick list of...interesting shao facts:

Consistently referred to as fag/faggot (shaolin fanfaggot is my personal favorite); he gets really defensive about this despite nobody actually thinking he's queer, it's just people being assholes to be assholes, and he is the only character consistently referred to using a slur, especially a homophobic one, especially for a "straight" character. dizzee, a canonically queer character, is called a fag less than shaolin is even though dizzee actively goes to gay clubs, has a not so secret dude he "hangs out with" and wont let anyone properly meet, paints his nails, wears less than straight clothes even by the 70s standards and is just all around the definition of fucking queer (and I mean like in the weird way, not the gay way). in fact theres only like once I can remember him being called a fag and it had nothing to do with him actually being gay it was literally just like thrown out there the same way you would call someone a bitch.

Has only shown sexual interest in women, yet refuses to have deeper relationships with women in general (possibly because of trauma but who knows) but takes his relationships with his "brothers", specifically zeke, very seriously

Tells zeke and zeke ONLY his real name when zeke was planning to stop being his friend bc shao more or less got boo boo, a like 14 year old black kid, arrested for selling hard drugs; he was clearly scared and trying to do anything to keep zeke around, literally chasing him down the street and hounding him until he got zeke to stop and argue with him

Kept threatening to beat up zeke in the end but couldn't actually bring himself to do so, instead saying that zeke is "fucking lucky" before walking away

Let's zeke get away with things that nobody else can, in general just has a weird soft spot for ezekiel that he shows with nobody else

when shao found dizzee with thor in a vaguely compromising situation (like they were just shirtless covered in paint sleeping next to each other but shao had also seen everything they painted on the walls ((which some of it was sus)), it was clear they had painted on each others bodies and dizzee had been routinely disappearing with this guy for weeks now yet not producing nearly as much art, at least, as far as we audience members know) he didnt judge him but instead, waited for him to get cleaned up and then told him something along the lines of "theres a reason why im so secretive blah blah blah [not everyone needs to know everything about me]", which, in context, kinda implies that he might be a lil. a lil homiesexual. jus a lil.

whenever even the possibility of zeke leaving him comes up he absolutely loses it. he has literally cost ezekiel life changing opportunities because he thought zeke would just up and leave him for them. this could be abandonment issues bc he's a severely traumatized character, and that probably does contribute to it, but it also is just not a reaction he has to any of their other friends just randomly dipping in and out of his life soooooo

generally speaking, this mfer has got either bisexual with a big hard on for zeke coding or homosexual with terrible internalized homophobia and still a hard on for zeke coding. either fucking way, that nigga gay. he gay as hell. gay as fuck man. there wasn't really much to analyze here tbh bc the coding is just so fucking obvious if you look for it or you are/have been a gay person who's dealt with at least a little bit of internalized homophobia.

also, just a sidenote, idk how fucking old shao, but I'm praying hes like at max 19 bc I'm pretty sure zeke is a minor in this show and shao definetly is not so the whole him being heavily implied to have a crush on ezekiel thing is kinda. oof. not oof if zeke is like 17 but any younger than that? OOF.

edit: apparently the characters are only supposed to be a year apart in age but i had no clue about that before writing this post and since shaos age was never actually stated in the show i naturally assumed he was an adult since his actor Looks Like An Adult. this is definetly on me to a certain extent, but i also never saw anything about this when trying to find our their ages so 🤷‍♀️ maybe i just didnt look deep enough, sorry!

now moving on to the main event...marcus dizzee kipling :]

so, first things first, let's talk enby coding bc him being bisexual was already confirmed!

um, to start off, I just wanna say I dont think this enby coding was intentional or even really coding, it's just moreso me being a dizzee kin on main and knowing as a transmasc enby he has very transmasc enby vibes. for example:

cool, gender neutral nickname that everyone calls him

paints nails various different colors

the whole wardrobe is just a transmasc enby heaven...fishnet shirts, jean overalls, jackets and cuffed pants galore, the big colorful pins, etc

gender neutral hairstyle (when I had my fro it was very sexy and made it easy to transition between hyper masc and vaguely fem, which is pog)

comparing himself to/representing himself consistently with an alien character (though this is meant to represent his sexuality, it could also double as a gender thing too, not neccesarily bc of the whole nonbinary alien trope but bc an enby who likes aliens might heavily identify or compare themselves to whatever their idea of an alien is, whether that just be a genderless entity or a motherfucker with fly style and no need to be perceived as anything other Wacky As Hell)

moving on from there, let's talk about how his queerness is presented to us and how, while it may be a really good piece of representation, especially coming from netflix, it still lacks in A Lot of places.

so, let's start with good things!

i personally really like the get down's queer rep with dizzee bc it's (for the most part) nonsexualized and very very soft, about dizzee figuring himself out and realizing there is a place where he fits in, and about two teenagers in the 70s falling in love over their shared passion for street art. it also features an interracial couple where both boys challenge stereotypes both about queer men and men of color, which is epic poggers and very sexy. this piece of rep specifically is very important to me bc I am a queer black person and even tho interracial relationships are mostly normalized now, I've still had people give me shit for primarily dating white people in a town that is...primarily white lol

mm anyways, I can also appreciate how in the get down, dizzee being represented by rumi the alien is not a thing specifically related to gender (as it often is) and instead is about his sexuality and just in general weirdness and how it has led to him being alienated amongst his peers, poc or otherwise. him seeing himself as an alien is not about just his queerness, which is important, it is about him being a queer black man who talks different, acts different, dresses different and is "soft"—he isnt a walking black male stereotype and he wouldnt have been seen as masculine back in the 70s by any stretch of the imagination. this can be relatable to a wide spectrum of queer poc, from queer black men currently who still have to deal with this shit or to people like myself who are afab neurodivergent mixed race enbies that have always been signaled out as weird and alienated for it. dizzee is god rep bc while he has a small part in this show, his parts are very impactful, hard hitting and show queer poc of all ages that they arent alone and that it's okay to "weird", you just need to embrace it because somebody will love you for you, as thor did for dizzee.

that being said theres um. some minor problemas here,,,

namely:

dizzee and thors first kiss

the lack of development this pairing got

the way dizzee was confirmed bisexual off screen, he never said the words himself, just showed interest in both genders

the way dizzee and thor were never even confirmed boyfriends or just fwb so most of the fandom just calls them boyfriends bc Why Not

dizzee was implied fucking DEAD??? AT THE END OF THE SERIES?????? AND THOR WAS IMPLIED ARRESTED?????????????

now, these might have been things that wouldve been fine had the show been given it's full run but it wasnt which is why we are now left with probelms.

so, from the top, let's go over these: dizzee and thor's first (and only "on screen") kiss was one that was shown in a montage of other queer people making over and doing other vaguely romantic/sexual things, one of those things being a whole ass naked titty being mouthed at, but the actual kiss...was just not shown? like they really did just say "yes they kissed <3 you know this from the context clues of it being in a montage with kissing, hickey giving and titty sucking <3 but no we will not show it <3" LIKE HELLO? I SAW A NAKED BOOBIE BUT NOT TWO MEN KISS??? HUH????????

also, dizzee and thor were both fucking high as hell during this bit like this isnt a terrible thing but it's also like sometimes you do shit when you're high that you wouldnt do sober and they just never kissed again on screen so like?? like idk that's not that bad but it does kinda irk me since they deadass got no other on screen intimacy after that unless you including painting on eacher other or sleeping next to each other on a shitty mattress but not touching at all during it bc they were both at opposite ends of the mattress like half way off it

so yeah, that was trash. then we got lack of development, which kinda goes with the "dizzee being a bisexual but he never says it in canon" thing cause like...okay dizzee was already sort of a side character from the get go like he wasnt the mc by any means, but he became way more of a background character as things continued until we basically only saw him for performances or when he was with thor, yet they got no fucking development as a pairing other than "dizzee realize he gay, he like thor, he and thor spend time together and ig probably do some gay stuff but we dont really know bc we only ever see them do graffiti together now" like?? tf am I supposed to do with that shit. answer. quickly. and then theres dizzee not being confirmed bisexual, which is just a running problem with shows literally doing everything to say a character is bi except for having the character just...say they're bi? which would be so easy? like a good way dizzee and thor couldve had some development is by thor teaching dizzee things about the queer community that he didnt even know existed, thor couldve helped him understand what being bi meant and helped him label himself and whatnot but instead we got an off screen confirmation that the writers had bisexual in mind when writing him. which is garbagé.

the whole thor and dizzee never having a confirmed relationship status is also a development problem cause like literally nobody knows if they were just friends who made out, maybe fucked, who knows, or if they were dating bc dizzee does give a love confession but a love confession doesn't mean there is a relationship, especially since thor didn't say he was in love either (as far as I remember, I could be wrong, plus whether or not that really happened or was apart of dizzee literally overdosing during a performance is unclear so 🤪)

and now for the biggest issue...bury your gays trope.

during the season 2 finale, dizzee and thor are chased by cops after they are found doing graffiti, one of the cops is able to catch thor while the other chases dizzee into a train tunnel and there is a train seen headed straight for him before the show cuts to black on a train horn. the show writers claim that if they had gotten another season, dizzee wouldve been alive but since they didnt and since that's essentially super fan trivia knowledge, most people dont fucking know that and instead had to watch a black queer teenager chose death over being fucking arrested by a white cop. on top of that, thor didnt see any of that shit because he was caught and the cop started hauling him off while dizzee was still being chased so thor literally has no clue where his friend/possible boyfriend fucking is or that he's likely dead in a goddamn tunnel all alone, unless you count the fucking pig that chased him in there who wouldve died too. this shows rep was so fucking good as far as most shows go on not having major fucking problems, on not being toxic and over sexualized, etc, etc. and then they just. killed a black queer teenager for no fucking reason. like it was literally the last episode ever, it would add nothing to the plot, it would just devastate fans and devastate it fucking did. I dont cry easy but seeing a character I identified with, who I had hyperfixated on, die because he'd rather that than be arrested is terrible. it fucking sucked.

so yeah. that's my all too extensive thoughts/analysis on the get down's queerness. theres definitely stuff I missed, or misinterpreted, or looked too much into, etc, etc., but this was a fun thing to spend time writing sooo yeah!! thanks for the ask anon, sorry this was just a big rambley info dump, but hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it since it took like 3 hours at least 😭😭 feel free to ask clarifying questions lol

#shit self #asks #the get down #mylene cruz #shaolin fantastic #dizzee kipling #long post #analysis #info dump #idk if anon has seen tgd or is just being nice so i tried givinh background to things #kinz #bangerz #discourse

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shoezuki · 4 years ago

Note

cracks knuckles. i promised to elaborate and i will.

the one common perspective that everyone seems to be able to agree on is that techno / sbi + schlatt + tubbo + ranboo are just genuinely funnier than the dteam, and honestly yes it's because if the popularity. if you go back and watch the dteams older (im talking before 2-3mil subs) videos they are funnier than their current ones and i think it's because they're trying to shift their humor to a broader audience?

the minecraft community has always been mainly queer/poc/ndv kids because it was exiled away from "acceptable society" for so long that only the people who had already been "exiled" continued to enjoy it. I, as an example, stopped playing when it became a cringy thing because I was so worried about being seen as weird. now that ive discovered, come to terms with, and enjoy my queerness, i realize that if i had known i was queer back when mc was exiled i wouldve continued to play because i alrwady would have known what it was like to be part of that seperate society. (Please keep reading i promise I have a point)

but then minecraft came back. minecraft became mainstream again, and it came back HARD. watching it go from something that you would be bullied immensely for to something that you would be bullied for not doing was an extreme experience. in all honesty im still angry about it, but that's another topic. when minecraft became mainstream it brought with it all of the people that hadn't been part of the exiled societies yk? including... the dream team.

dream blew up. we all know how much he blew up. i personally dont believe he cheated on the speedrun but to each their own (although after reading your stuff and becoming more critical of them im realizing i might need to reexamine that), and the speedrun controversy brought even more people to his base (cough drama loving straight white girls cough).

when they were brought into the fanbase that's when it started to go downhill. they shifted their humor to fit that, or maybe their humor was always that and they just got more confident in showing it after they had gotten a fan base to back them up. which is also why techno / sbi + schlatt + tubbo + ranboo (who ill refer to just as techno&co now because he's the main one but also that's long as hell lmao) are funnier than them!

for one, their fanbases are smaller. now 5 mil is by no means a small number, but compared to dream's 16 mil? yknow. especially with techno's wack upload schedule he's never had to worry about having a stan fan base because the only people who stay are people who genuinely enjoy his content the way it is.

two, techno&co are mostly ndv. techno has adhd, tubbo has dyslexia, wilbur had and maybe still has depression, ranboo has anxiety, tommy hasnt confirmed or denied his adhd but im betting he at least has borderline. i am in no ways saying that being part of one minority (in this case ndv) gives you free range over another (queer), but all minorities have this understanding about what it is to be part of an exiled community (if that makes sense).

philza and schlatt, not so sure if they're ndv, but they're also older and generally more mature and esp in philza's case, theyve had their chance to make their bad jokes and pull stupid shit and theyve grown out of it (if they ever had that phase at all). techno&co have that understanding and even if they dont know where the boundaries are they know that queer humor (and all humor! other than techno, sbi doesnt really make gay jokes) going to have boundaries, and they respect that.

three, techno is the funniest bitch because he has adhd. i dont take criticism on this point because im right.

i probably missed a lot, probably got some stuff wrong, but all in all i think i hit my mark. i can come off anon to chat anytime if youd vibe w that. no pressure to respond to this! have a good day, etc etc, it was fun getting to tear into the dteam in a safe space. respect for them and their fanbases, their humor is a little off but i still gotta respect how well theyve done. btw i woke up and rolled over and started typing I haven't proofed this at all so yeah. :) - andy

And your brain is fucking massive yo like u must got chronic back pain too from holdin up all these Thoughts in ur head

I really like. Minecraft fans is So varied cuz like u said it was so very 'cringe' before. I got into mc again n playin it w my siblings years before it Popped Off again entirely cuz i stopped Giving a Shit that it was 'weird' or any a that. N sbi have been goin strong through it So Long both when it was hotshit and when it was "cringe"

N definitely like minecraft ive always noticed has a Massive ndv community. I dont know entirely what it is like definitely part of the 'cringe' factor like u said and also cubes make our brains go brrrr? The aspect of self expression in it? I dont know but we Been Here

I do think dteam's content and shit like. It obviously moved in sync with perceptions of mc to garner a Big General audience. Dream blowing up entirely had to do w the Trends and how mc got popular. Therefore hes audience is Huge and Varied

In contrast w techno n like. He has blown up quite a bit too. But i feel its fair to say he Hasnt altered his content significantly. Or at least like. How its presented, what he does, etc. For fucks sake he doesnt have a stream schedule. And although his content is Still garnering a Large and really varied audience it feels more like. Isolated and homogeneous almost

Like. I can go into the technocord right now and say 'dont forget to take your meds' and at least 20 or so ppl would be all like Oh Fuck Whoops. Theres SO many of us adhd ppl in there. I always goof bout techno jus sayin pspspsps and the neurodivergents crawling up from the floorboards but honest to god. His content and jokes and i suppose Personality jus appeals to us So Much. Same goes for sbi pretty heavily honestly altho i feel its most evident in techno's most Dedicated fans

Also. Lbr. The people who stay through technos schedules and content Droughts are the ones who be hyperfixating Abskfvdkdsjsjsl

BUT going into sbi as a Group like. They are friends. And together they are fucking hilarious. N i feel it strongly like. The fact theyre all such Varied people of different ages and such helps w that shit. It Works So Well.

Long story short being neurodivergent makes you funny as hell letsgo

#SBDKBDK YES #you jus straightup hit all the marks fuck ya #dteam feels like i could go grab 3 whiteboys and itd be the dteam #sbi and co is more like. i hear someone yelling bout girls at 12am out my window. thats wilbur.#tommy is that kid who kept breaking into my back office at work because he wanted to steal my boxcutter #basically theyre one of a kind #Oh also i didnt say it in the post cuz i aint sure #i vaguely recall wilbur talkin bout Possibly being autistic n that he woulda been assessed as a kid but Didnt #idk where that was from so take it w a grain of salt #but as an autistic bitch myself. i feel the vibes #anon #andy #hard boiled takes

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thecringefailintherye · 4 years ago

Text

Oliver! (1968) Live (re) watch!

i have already seen oliver!, but not in ages, so i decided to watch it again, enjoy

very long post warning

fuckin hell these opening credits are LONG

i love the fact instrumentals of songs in the movie are playing

i have chocolate popcorn, apple lucozade and oliver! on, life is good

yes i know mark lester is oliver ive seen this like 20 times can i watch the film now

OH ABOUT FUCKING TIME

god is love

IS IT WORTH THE WAITING FOR IF WE LIVE TILL 84 ALL WE EVER GET IS GRUELL

i forgot how much of a banger food glorious food is

LOOK AT BABY MARK LESTER 🥺🥺🥺

ads in middle of movie be like

its harry secombe!

AMENNNN

oliver gets bullied the movie

look at this poor kid

MOREE????????

oh yes oliver i love this song

O L I V E R

poor kid

without any bannister yikes

the one who named him........O-L-IV-ERRR

oh were outside now

olivers just been kicked out oh shit

but on the plus side he has a cute ass hat on

BOY FOR SAY AL

look at oliver 🥺 he deserves better

SOWERBERRY MORE LIKE SHITTERBERRY

theres a severe lack of thats your funeral and i shall scream

noah claypole more like noah clayprick

“perhaps... if i had a tall hat?” BABEY

HES GOT HIS TALL HAT ON YES OLIVER

oliver said dab on them haters from your old gaff youre a funeral advisor now and theyre still homeless

DONT INSULT HIS MUM FUCK YOU NOAH

YES OLIVER KILL HIM

yes stuff the nine year old in a coffin and sit on it well done

"OLIVAH ??" "Yes im here: ((("

ITS MEAT!

oliver deserves better man

im gonna cry and were like 25 minutes in.

ik its not mark singing but whoever it is CAN SING WTF

i want to give him a hug

OH SHIT HES RUNNING AWAY

hes in the lettuce

LONDON YOU MADE IT !

yes oliver trains exist

DODGER!!!

whach you starin at aint ya ever seen a toff

the beak

look at lil jack wild

me more hintimate friends

cockney accent™️

the artful dodga

CONSIDERR YOURSSELF AT HOEME COSNIDER YOURSWLF OEN OF THE FAMILY !!!!!!!!!!

im sorry i love this song

look this scene is awesome, but it would be COMPLETE with charley oh wait he was demoted to extra and everything interesting abt him was given to dodger

he should have gotten the nobody tries to be ladeeda or uppity bit I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

this cast is BIG

okay i am a Charger Enthusiast but do we all agree there is something oddly homosexual about oliver and dodger in this song

note how dodger is scared of the police FORESHADOWING

ive taken to this SO STRONGITSCLEARWEREGOINGTOGETALONG

how many extras is this ???? yall better be gettin paid

its dodga comin up

this set is sraight out of the book i love it

CHARLEY MATE IM SORRY THEY MADE YOU AN EXTRA

“oh not again” does dodger just always show up with random workhouse kids

ah yes fagin the character whos still a negative jewish stereotype

more and more big cast

THESE SAUSAGES ARE MOULDY! (am i going to freak out whenever charley does anything because i love him? yes)

stfu drink your gin

is this a laundry?? no fam

THE BEST FUCKING SONG IN THIS MUSICAL

IN THIS LIFE ONE THING COUNTS

sorry if i dont add to this until pick a pocket or two is done bc its a straight banger

this song is EVERYTHING

hard at work lol ok

did he make those himself??? no

couple a wipes

EMBROIDERED THEM??? no

petition for all oliver twist adaptations to refer to charley as master bates like the book and for him to have actual lines and not have his actor switched at least three times

i dont even now who charley is at this point because his actor is switched many a time im just gonna say purple blazer kid is charley

anyway charley bates supremacy

whos bill sikes??? NO

fuck bill all my homies hate bill

rum tum tum is a banger

go bed now

take your hat off in bed dodger

movie fagin has rights

fagin leaving where will he go

BET IS THAT YOU

FUCK OFF BILL NO ONE LIKES YOU

NANCY NANCY HES HERE !!!!!! bet deserves everything and more ily 💖

NANCYYYY!!!!!!

its a fine life more like its a banger

wheres all of bets lines gone

bet 🤝 charley (being demoted to extras)

its not funny anyore bet.. bet girl please sing youre the best fucking thing about this song

such a happy song about domestic abuse

THERE SHE IS THATS MY GIRL BET I FUCKING LOVE YOU

bullsye rights!

i hate how this movie made fagin more symathetic but he’s still a “greedy jew” stereotype

oliver?????

at this moment fagin knew he fucked up

nancy you deserve better than bill

oh hi dodger forgot you existed

and the rest of you except oliver

ah yes charley “sausages” bates i missed you

THESE FUCKING KIDS THEY ALL LOVE BET AND NANCY MY HEART

im a regular gent i am. no dodger you arent

why is “permit me to assist you across the road” so fucking funny

pov dodgers back on his bullshit so you have to pretend to be a horse and cart for him

not “sir artful” 😭😭😭

anyfink for youu

WHAT FISTICUFFS???!!!

i feel sorry for the child extras man theyve prob had to film this scene like ten times

THESE KIDS CAN SING

the boys dancing with eachother is too fucking wholesome i love this

again, movie fagin rights

weed riissk lifee and limmbb

you promised we could go see the angin!!!!!

ats on boys time were off

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG

HOW COULD WE LET HOW COULD WE FORGET OUR DEAR OLD FAGIN WORRY!!

mate that aint single file did you not hear him

am i the only one who can hear london bridge is falling down in the back??

our pockets hold a watch of gold that chimes upon the hour!!! a wallet fat an old mans hat!!! the jewels from the tower!!!

WE KNOW THE NOSEY POLICEMEENNNN

dodger and charley (i am SURE charley is purple blazer kid even if havent seen this film in ages) are GETTING INTO THIS

oliver 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

movie fagin rights pt 27238227

DODGER OLIVER COME ON!!!!!!!!! alright dude chill

ARE YALL SEEING THIS SHIT, I WAS RIGHT, I TOLD YOU THAT THE LAD IN THE PURPLE BLAZER WHO SINGS “a wallet fat an old mans hat” WAS CHARLEY BATES AND GUESS WHAT HE FUCKING IS. I WAS RIGHT, PURPLE BLAZER KID IS CHARLEY YOU CAN LEAVE NOW

no dont were only an hour in

three kids on the back of the omnibus what will they do

dodger and charley said be gay do crimes

ah shit now look what youve gotten us into dodger

IT WASNT EVEN OLIVER IT WAS CHARLEY AND DODGER GO AFTER THEM

are dodger and charley straight up framing oliver for a crime they commited while also helping him escape

yes they are why are we surprised

i hate to break it to you dodger but hiding oliver in a meat sack doesnt work

OLIVERS ON THE ROOF????

charley and dodger got oliver into this mess and they are not going to get him out

WHY DIDNT YOU LOOK AFTER HIM????? right calm down fagin

how could i help it :((((

no bill!

stan nancy

“two other boys stole it” no shit

BROWNLOW !

run bitch run

right intermission time now

AND WE’RE BACK!

entr acte

who will buyyy

strawberry girl is carrying this

oliver owns my heart pt 278983728938728

this is a banger wtf

okay its done now right

right?????

UHH BILL???? DODGER???? BITCH WHY TF ARE YOU HERE

have bill fagin nancy and the boys been stalking oliver???

NO SHE WONT FAGIN!

shit.

fuck bill

this scene is far more sadder when you think of how the boys have just seen the only woman they see as a mother figure been hit to the flo or, im not crying, you are

as long as he needs me :(

FUCK YOU BILL

rose maylie is that you?!

look at lil oliver!!

BILL FUCK OFF

i hate bill

“look at his togs! he’s got books too!” charley and dodger are my emotional support kids

anyway have i mentioned i hate bill, bc i hate bill.

I REALLY REALLY HATE BILL

even fagin aka the guy whos keeping these kids as pickpockets has more morals than bill

WE STAY CALM!!

no bill i havent heard a dying chicken

act one was just childish antics now we have THIS

fuck bill

YOURE TELLING ME THE BOYS WATCHED THAT????

jack wild is a banging actor. he genuinely looks terrified 🥺

this film..

a mans got a heart hasnt he?? yes you do!!!

a full song dedicated to movie fagin rights?? did i ghostwrite this?? probably

banger

ithinkidbetterthinkitoutagain!

villains theives and nine year olds

MR BUMBLE?????!!!!!!!!!!

fuck bill pt72898376728909878199

bill youre traumatising him

cmon nance do something!!

also completely forgot abt this but uh does monks exist in this i forgot bc we have had no mentions of him yet

nancy tell him who bill is!!!

bullseye deserves better

uhm what is going on

bill sikes more like bill yikes

oliver what are you doing

BILL TERRIFIES ME

FUCK

omg oom pah pah????

leave oliver alone bill hes like nine

oh banger

OOM PAH PAH THATS HOW IT GOES!!!!!!!!!

just asking are nancy and bet lesbians bc they look it

COULD IT BE OOM PAH PAHHHHHH

god i love this song

IT SHOOOOOWSSSSSS

its the same oom pah pah

“She was from the country but now shes up a gumtree she let a fella feed her then lead her a long” foreshadowiinnggg

OOM PAH PAH! OOM PAH PAH! OOM PAH PAH!

nancy is so fucking smart

getting the whole pub singing and dancing to smuggle out oliver? clever

fuck

bill.. no.. bill.. bill????

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKC

BILL GET OFF HER

NANCY NO

HE STRAIGHT UP COMMIT MURDER AGAINST THE NICEST CHARACTER

BROWNLOW DO YOU NOT HEAR NOTHING

nancy deserved a better death than to be killed by bill fuck bill

EVEN BULLSEYE HATES YOU BILL

ARE THEY ACCUSING BULLSEYE OF MURDER

FUCK YOU BILL

movie fagin rights + fuck bill combo?

youre telling me fagin had an ESCAPE ROUTE??? AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HOUSE THING??? THE WHOLE TIME???

BILL DONT KILL THE CHILD

BILL

fuck, well. #

“WHAT DO I DO!?” “LIVE UP TO YOUR NAME, DODGE ABOUT”

ten quid says dodgers been caught

oh no all fagins shit is gone

BILL DONT KILL THE CHILD PT 2

FUCK YOU BILL

GOD I HATE HIM

OLIVER MATE ARE YOU OK

never have i been so happy to see a character die

rest in shit bill

hi dodger thought you got caught n went to australia

god, this film is so fucking good.

reviewing the situation 2.0 goes hard

MOVIE. FAGIN. RIGHTS!

FAGIN YOU CAN BE A GOOD MAN YOU KNOW YOU CAN

DODGER??????????

IM TOTALLY NOT CRYING RN

FAGIN NO DONT TAKE IT

FUCKING PLOTTWIST

IT MADE IT LOOK LIKE FAGIN WAS GONNA GIVE THE WALLET BACK TO DODGER BUT NO

once the villain you’re the villain to the end

i completely forgot abt this scene since i’ve been reading the oliver twist book and in that dodger gets arrested and fagin gets hanged but here they get away?

god this is bittersweet

I THINK WE’D OUGHT TO THINK IT OUT AGAIN!!!!!

thats where the film should have ended, i get olivers the main character but it ending on dodger and fagin walking out into the sunset is such a pleasing ending man

oliver gets his happy ending abt time

YES CONSIDER YOURSELF AND BE BACK SOON (THE BIGGEST BANGERS IN THE FILM) CREDITS SONGS!!

well.. that was a journey and half

#oliver!#oliver twist #oliver #oliver! 1968 #oliver 1968 #charlie’s comfort movies #oliver twist 1968 #oliver! the musical #oliver the musical #musicals #1960s #1960s movies #60s #mark lester #jack wild #oliver reed #ron moody #shani wallis #and everyone else in the huge ass cast

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mostlikelyshutup · 4 years ago

Text

thoughts while watching the first harry potter:

listen i started this list a little late im ngl but notable thoughts so far are me thinking of dumbledore as a gay idiot and still loving hagrid

do you think hes speaking in parseltongue in the zoo when hes speaking to the snake

forgot boats existed

these idiots do scream a lot dont they

i forgot how light hearted this universe really is in the first couple movies

yer a wizard harry, okay hagrid maybe slide him into it a little better

we get it tuney you have fucking trauma, doesnt mean you should abuse a child

hasnt everyone had their name down since they were born, hagrid? theres a list

i like that his umbrella is pink

are you paying for those damages hargid? stop taking the door off the hinges

though, if the dursleys are, keep breaking shit

speaking about dragons on the the fucking tube, its a miracle harry didnt get in trouble with the ministry sooner

what is hagrid's usual? does anyone know???

fucking Quirrell, cant wait for your epic love story with the dark lord

maybe we should tell the 12 year old how the fuck everyone knows his name, just maybe

they do a great job of getting the wonder down pat

how much money and licensing do you think it took for them to get all these owls on set

ahh yes, antisemitism the bank

how many vaults are in gringotts?? also if harry's vault is the potters vault, a literal like sacred 28 family, one of the original families, and its number 600 something, how many were there before the potters?? did the potters get a vault recently? or is this james and lily's vault?? how rich were james and lily if so??

look at ollivander, crazy tinker uncle, love him

this might be the socialist in me but why do people have to pay for wands if everyone needs one??

why is the dark lords twin wand just sitting around on the shelf, ollie me boy??

do you think thats Harry's true wand or do you think thats because of the horcux thing?? do you harry had to get another wand after he died?? did he? i dont remember the last movie

is ollie me boys actor wearing contacts or are his eyes just like that??

thats a very weird way of showing Halloween 81, very misleading

hagrid said ill predict voldys rise in the first movie so we can have some plot development

hagrid is late to everything isnt he? i can feel it in my bones

i swear ive seen these movies, and ive even read the first book, i just dont remember shit

youd think theyd have someone in the know stationed close to the entrance for the platform, for any muggleborns

ginnys actress really had no fucking lines in this movie did she, just had to stand there

oh wait she said good luck

amazing work ginny

ooh a warm filter

can muggles see the express? like just running from london to scotland

wicked!

you didnt have to show the woman the sad sandwich ron

i think the trolly replenishes magically, i think thats how thats how that works, i want to believe that

god i cant tell if i would love or hate hermione, shes pretentious but so was i at that age

god dont fucking point your wand right in someones face mione

how does mione know who harry is?? why does she care?

look at the tiny first years, might just go and pinch theyre cheeks

MINNIEEEE i love you minnie

looking stunning minnie, the green brings out the sternness in your brow

you go minnie, give your speech, thats my head of house

shut up draco, youre not bond

you pretentious fuckwit, your hair is brassy anyways

if this is a class of kids born in the middle of a war, how big are the usual class sizes wtf

THE FUCKING CLAP

fucking propaganda ron, you slytherin hater

what order are these names going in, did they just randomized the list

oooh we get quiet for the boy who lived, jesus let him keep living

the fact that for the rest of these people its just silent is so fucking funny to me, Harry's just fucking whispering to himself

get their attention minnie

me dads a muggle, mums a witch, bit of a shock for him when he found out

NICK, love to see you buddy

i have no emotional attachment to peeves but i feel i should mention him here

the stairs still piss me off, why the fuck would you make moving stair cases

who sets out gloves for the next day? am i the weird one who doesnt??

Minnie, you are the love of my life

shut up snape you dramatic bloodpurist incel

i know theyre setting him up to be mistaken as the villain but jesus christ hes still an asshole

your robes Neville, you forgot your robes

its weird how they have to learn all these latin charms yet only have to say up to get their brooms to work

why wont you go after him, hes obviously not exactly in control, Hooch

does Hooch only teach first years? she is quite literally the equivalent of a history teacher who coaches football

what the fuck is Quirells classroom

they dont make the house teams because no first years can try out, Ron

MINNIE PLAYED QUIDDITCH?!?!? WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THIS

why didnt you speak up earlier Mione wtf

bc the fire wont give you away, harry, better hide

FLUFFY, WHOS A GOOD BOY

they have much worse things locked up in the school, Ron

Oliver wood is a bloody liar because i still dont fuckign understand quidditch, also theres like 500 rules, wtf

thats a shitty explanation of how the game works, Oliver

BLOW IT UP SEAMUS

SHES TWO FEET BEHIND YOU RON YOU IDIOT

carrot cake? on halloween?

dont shrug as if you didnt literally bully her ron

thought youd oughta know, bit of an understatement Quirell

no duh the trolls left the dungeon ron

lying: the best start to any friendship

we're at a net zero points for gryffindor for the year at the moment

the amount of interaction these kids have with professors is so weird to me, is this what small class size do to kids?? its weird

not comforting Oliver

Okay i understand Oliver simps now, I get it okay

are there no backups or subs for quidditch? feels like there should be, like of all the games

set him on fire mione, i know hes not the villain of the movie but god he sucks

fancy flying from harry fucking potter

okay but also i feel like there are some things we should not trust hagrid with, like hes not that great at keeping secrets

why is harry excited about christmas if he thinks hes not getting presents? i knw there are other aspects but like thats the only reasont o get up early

i always remember this scene at night for some reason??

not just an invisibility cloak, THE invisibility cloak ron

btw who gives it to harry? is it remus? is it dumbledore? is it like an inheritance thing? whats up with that?

there are jumpscares in harry potter

he very much can hide, filch

stop being a narc mrs norris

does harry even know what his parents look like at this point? how does he know who the fuck is in the mirror of erised?? he doesnt have that stupid scrapbook yet does he

oh they nod, sure lets clear up that plot hole

they shouldve put sirius and remus in the mirror in that scene, shown his whole family, wouldve been a nice setup

how does rupert grint already look so tired as a twelve year old

big speech to give to a twelve year old Dumbledore, when you wont even tell him what you see

Emma really does just slam that book on Daniels hand, thats mustve fucking sucked

the fact that ive watched two movies that had Nicholas Flamel in two very different roles this year is very strange to me

well thats probably on account of it being a fucking dragon egg hagrid, now isnt it?

was hagrid a hufflepuff? i think he was, maybe a ravenclaw

yes four, you blonde idiot

that shot is really nice, it sets them apart

what happened to filch to make him such a miserable man?

ooh mention of werewolves, awooo werewolves of london

yeah just dip your whole hand in hagrid, dont be scared of the strange liquid, take a nice little bath

i loev that dog, i want that dog, i want to hug that dog

god just the look of that forest is so bloody cool

wait so is that quirell walking fucking backwards?

maybe ask who the fuck youre talking to before asking other questions??? wtf harry

why are yout talking to the centaur like hes your old friend harry, youve literally never met him before

snape doesnt want the stone at all Harry

god hagrid you sweet stupid man

snape is completely valid for that, if a twelve year old ever looked at me like that i would punch them

Do you think people ever loose invisibility cloaks? like theyre invisible do you think they ever just never get found again

i hate the look of the dog spit, that is so gross

they really left everything in except for the fucking potions didnt they, damn

harry potter walked so queens gambit could run

hermione, posted up

rons stupid in the later movies because he got a concussion as a twelve year old

god harry really posted up to beat up snape in fucking khakis

"I knew you were a danger to me!" Hes twelve, Quirell

let me wait for this weird dude to unravel his head scarf instead of running away

the magic in this movie is real fucking conditional isnt it

just some casual necromancy for the stone? you sure about that voldy, you two faced bitch?

let me choke out this twelve year old real quick

oh yeah why is he able to just avengers endgame Quirell? is there an answer to that? like was that ever found out

do you think voldy passing by him while he hold the stone actually killed him but since he holds the stone hes functionally unkillable and then some magic gets put into him and thats why he can return to life later when he actually goes to the whole afterlife place?

ohhh we're vouching on the blood magic for the endgaming of Quirell

do you think dumbledore came across the vomit flavored bean before or after his sister died?

Mione's got a headband! Looking snazzy!

how did Hufflepuff only get 352 points? Gryffindor literally lost 150 points this year and they only beat them by 50, wtf, is it because they kept getting caught with weed

I wont even speak on the fucking outrage that is this point awarding, its already been spoken on. However, Neville shouldve gotten more points

What if someone just stood up and started challenging Dumbledores math, that would be so funny

some of these extras are really attractive

but james potter is somehow so fucking ugly why did they do that to my mans

hagrid deserves the last shot of this film, i love him, he deserves everything, that stupid sweet man

#harry potter #sorcerer's stone #harry potter and the sorcerer's stone #harry potter and the philosopher's stone #hermione granger #ron weasley #k mumbles #fred weasley #george weasley #ginny weasley #hagrid #rubeus hagrid #albus dumbledore #long post #james potter #sirius black #remus lupin

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sloven5905115 · 4 years ago

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Summer Time Chp. 2 Here Cums the Girls

Well as I was checking out the bank lines and waiting for Mark to return I reflected on just what had happened.I would have never imagined the feelings I had at that moment.I didnt know if I was gay or what but I couldnt deny that what me and Mark had done was probably the greatest thing I have ever done in my short life.As I sat there nursing my beer I relived the feeling of Marks cock in my mouth, hard yet velvety at the same time.And then the way Mark took me in the ass for the first time of my life.What ever happened next I knew that this would always be a time that I would remember for the rest of my life.Just as I was about to drift off to sleep I heard the unmistakable sound of Marks pickup, I got up to climb up the side of the river bank to help him carry the stuff down to the camp site.When I realized that Mark wasnt alone.He had brought his sister, Becky and her friend Karen.Now a little bit about the girls, both were 15 at this time and were basically glued at the hip, there was a lot of rumors going around about if the girls were lesbians.While both were about 52 , 53 with Karen being the taller by just the slightest amount.And since they were on the school track team they were about 115 lbs and rock solid physiques.Becky had a set of abs that most guys would love to have.Karen was black shoulder length hair with about large B cups with legs to die for, and Becky had strawberry hair that she kept fairly short and her breast were just a little bit larger than Karens.

Becky bounced out of the pickup and waved her arms at me shouting hi Jimmy,hows the fishing.I dont know why but I just hated being called Jimmy and Becky knew it but would say it all the time just to rub it in.So I gave her a hurt scowl look and she came up to me with that puppy dog look and kissed me on the cheek.Usually this is as far as it goes, it was becoming a private game between the two of us, but this time instead of saying there, there Jim it will be alrightshe surprised me by reaching around and grabbing my ass and whispering in my ear Mark told me everything.

I must have looked like I had be hit by a cattle prod at that news.I couldnt believe that Mark would have told anyone at all about what had happened earlier.For a minute I felt betrayed and hurt but, Becky leaned to my ear and said ‘not to worry stud Mark and I share every thing.At this she stepped back with a serious shit eating grin and I stood there looking like a dork, I was completely confused.She had never acted that way toward me, I used to be the neighbor hood geek now she was calling me stud.And what the hell was this share every thing shit.But before I could say anything Mark and Karen came up to us carrying some ice and more beer.

Well Jim did you catch any fish. asked Mark

I dont know about fish but if Jim doesnt close that mouth of his, hell sure as hell catch some flies. laughed Karen as they walked by.

Oh, by the way there is some food in the truck Jim why dont you get it for us. Mark said over his shoulder.

So, after I got the food and came down to the camp site I say Mark sitting next to Karen and Becky was on the other side of the fire and patted the ground next to her.Not being one to disappoint a lady I sat down next to Becky and she leaned on my shoulders.Now I know what most of you will think that the first thing I noticed was her tits or something like that, but, I just couldnt get passed how good this girl smelled.It wasnt overly perfumed or anything like that just a good clean smell.Well after a minute Becky looked up to me and said that this was the point when I was supposed to put my arm around her and hold her.I smiled down at her and held her.Even though me and Mark had just fucked holding Becky was just something that I knew I could get used to.Where Mark was hard teenage muscle Becky was firm but not too hard and her skin was so much softer.Well we sat there talking about school, summer and about anything else we could think of, and of course drinking beer.After a while Karen got up and grabbed Mark by the hand and led him off.

Now I wonder where those two are off to.I asked Becky.

She grabbed hold of my face and said to give us some privacy silly.At which she leaned forward and kissed me.I was a little shocked at first but, that lasted about a second and then I figured after what I had already done that to just go with the flow.So I reached around and held her and started to kiss her back.I guess in my eagerness I was to hard because the next thing I knew she pushed me back.whoa stud, when your kissing a girl you need to take your time.Just remember that ladies like to make love, guys like to fuck.So stud just take your time because we have all night.

I do have a question for you though.I said as I laid down next to her.

Whats that Jim

What did you mean when you said that you and Mark shared everything.

Well, lets just say that I havent been a very good girl.She said looking off into the distance.Im not sure why but all of a sudden Im kind of embarrassed by this.As she said that I sat up and looked at her with a confused look on my face and she reached up and grabbed my arm and said.Oh now Jim I dont mean you or this, its not you, its just , , , you see, , , well.Oh hell there isnt any easy way to say this so here it goes.Me and Mark have had sex together, it started one night we were kidding each other and he dared me to show him my pussy and I dared him to show me his cock.Well the next thing I know Im on my knees sucking him off and then he eats my pussy.Dont get me wrong he didnt rape me or anything it just kind of happened, but we have been doing it off and on since then.I even let him fuck me in the ass, good thing I was drunk that night or there is no way I would have done that, and I havent let him do it since.But there is one place he hasnt fucked me.

You mean your pussy is still cherry.I looked at her with disbelief, especially with everything that she had told me.

Yes it is, I know that this is going to sound silly but Ive had a crush on you for a long time.And I just knew that I wanted you to take my virginity.And when Mark fucked my ass that time I cried for a whole week knowing that I hadnt given you the chance.But you would hardly talk to me, so I thought that you didnt like me.After saying this she looked down and I knew she was about to start crying.

I lifted up her chin and gave her a pick on her forehead and told her Dont cry its partly my fault too.She looked at me with doubt and tears starting to form in the corner of her eyes.I thought that you didnt care for me and I was scared to ask you out. For fear that you would turn me down and make fun of me.

OH GOD, no Jim I wouldnt do that.I know that I have teased you in the past but that was child stuff and it will never happen again, I promise.Saying that she wrapped her arms around me and held on tight.After a moment I could hear her starting to quietly sob.I was so stupid to treat you that way, its all my fault.

As I was holding her close to me I said softly to her ear No its nobodies fault were just two young kids that didnt know what we were doing, but that is changed and now that we know how we feel toward each other things will be different.

Just hold me for now ok.

Sure anything that you want.So there we were two kids just holding each other after opening our hearts to each other.Now I know what your thinking what about what I had said to Mark, loving him and all that.At that time I wasnt really thinking of that, I figured that I would just have to sort that out later.After all Mark was probably fucking Karen right then at that moment.Then I felt Becky start to stir and rubbing her hand up and down my chest, I just laid back and enjoy the feeling then I felt her hand go for my waist band of my shorts.Reaching down I grabbed her hand and told her you dont have to do this to prove your feelings toward me.I dont want you to ever regret this moment.

She looked at me and it looked like she was about to cry again and I thought oh shit what did I say this time.Becky just looked at me and said that was the most beautiful thing you could say to me.I want to fuck you so much now you just dont know.She reached in my shorts and started to stroke my cock and said you know for being the cutest dork around you can say the smartest things.Smiling down at me she started to pull on my shorts so I help her out and took them off.Damn, not bad size and your young, I think with some care on my part it will grow some more.with that comment she leaned down and took my cock in her mouth.While Mark was able to take my cock completely in his mouth Becky was only able to take half before she started to gag and back off.But, what her mouth couldnt handle she stroked with her hand.So this is what making love feels like, I realized that what I thought was love with Mark was in reality just great sex between two guys.I looked down and watched her bob her head up and down on my cock and for a moment I could see a small tear running down her cheek but she wouldnt stop.I started to feel the sensation that told me I was about to cum so I put my hand on her head and told her, but she backed off and said no Jim I want this, I want all of it I never let Mark cum in my mouth but I want you everywhere.With that she returned to my cock and started to suck with more vigor.Then it hit me and I couldnt hold back anymore I arched my back and dug into the ground with my hands as I started to cum in Beckys mouth it must have been six or seven squirts and she tried to swallow it all but some came out of the corners of her mouth.I must have blacked out because the next thing I knew Becky was next to me with a look of contentment on her face.Welcome back to the living stud, you know Ive heard the other girls say how they like their boyfriends cum and now I know what they were talking about.

I gave her a big hug and told her well I guess its time for this gentleman to do his duty.with that I started to kiss my way down her neck and kissed her left nipple while I messaged her right breast.I kept nursing, for want of a better word, while stroking her body making a special effort to avoid her pussy area.I had read a story from Penthouse how that was supposed to drive a girl crazy and now I was going to find out if the guy knew what he was talking about. And so far it seemed like he did, because the more I suckled her breast and rubbed her body the more Becky started to squirm and beg me to touch her pussy.So finally I gave in and started to rub her pussy, at first I thought that she peed herself she was so wet.I kept working my way down kissing her everywhere, when I got to her belly button I put my tongue in and sucked.She jerked hard screaming how that wasnt fair to be making her feel like cumming and tickling her at the same time.But, I just smiled and kept on going, finally I got to her pussy.There was a muskiness to the smell but not bad I could get used to this, I thought.I ran my tongue up and down her slit and every once in awhile I would give her clit a suck.Then with outwarning my sweet petite Becky grabbed my hair on my head with the strength of a bull rider and clamped her legs around my head.For a minute I was wondering if she was going to let go but, then what a way to die LOL.Then all of a sudden she started to squirt her own juices in my mouth I tried to swallow but there was just too damn much fluid.

Finally she relaxed and I moved up and kissed her on her lips.Damn Jim where did you learn to do that, you been practicing on other girls.

NoI chuckled just a healthy dose of Penthouse Letters.

She cradled my head and stroked my hair and jokingly said Well thank God for pornography and maybe well have to write out own letter someday.But, first are you ready for the main event.

Are you sure.I mean I would love to but…..

Jimmy stop talking and get ready to make me your girlfriend, lover and best of all your woman.

You keep calling me that and Im going to have to spank you.

Promises, promises.she said laughing now lets get this done before I start thinking about it

Yes maam. with that I got between her legs and looked at her laying there.I moved up and placed my cock at her opening and started to move in when all of a sudden I hit something and she arched her back and put her hands on my chest.She was actually panting, I asked her if she was alright and if she wanted me stop.But she shock her head and said wait so I stayed in the same position and she said now.So I leaned into her.I could tell by her face that it was hurting her and was about to stop when all of a sudden I broke through.

Becky arched her back and screamed, OOOOOHHH GOD THAT HURTS.I was scared that I had done something wrong and started to pull out when she grabbed me and shouted for me to stop moving and just let her get used to it.So that is what we did and after a while I started to move in and out of her and she said that it was ok, and that it was actually starting to feel better by the minute.So I started to work myself in and out of her, her pussy felt so good around my cock that I never wanted out.I was thinking then that what I did with was Mark was nice but this was even better.So I kept up and I even started to pick up speed.Becky started to grind her pussy on my cock and telling me how good my cock felt in her pussy.Then all to soon that feeling came over me and I knew I was about to cum when I said I should pull out and not cum inside her, Becky wrapped her legs around me and said No you dont I want your cum inside me, dont you dare pull out Jim, if you do Ill never forgive you.So stop thinking and just fuck the shit out of me. Ooh God that feels better and better.Dont stop fucking me Im going to cu……with that she stiffened and I felt her juices on my cock and that sent me over the edge and I shot my load in her pussy.There we were two teenagers whose bodies were locked in a missionary position our bodies spasmingwith the pleasure of youth.Finally the feelings subsided and we parted and laid side be side and just sat there enjoying the afterglow of great sex.

It was only a couple of minutes when I heard noises and looked up and I saw Mark and Karen walking toward us.The first thing I noticed was that they were both naked and I could see cum running down Karens leg look Mark I think theyre finally doneKaren said with a smile on her face.

Yea they sure did take their time, for a minute I thought I was going to have to fuck you again.Mark joked while he had a finger in Karens ass.

Now stud that wouldnt be so bad would it.Besides the way she was screaming I wont be surprised if the sheriff doesnt show up.Hey Becky how about you let me have a go at Jim and see how he is. Karen asked Becky.

I dont think so Karen, at least not for awhile but right now I want to keep him all to myself and that means you big brother.You keep your hands off of him.Becky said while we were still laying on the ground with me on my back and her with her right arm and right leg draped over me.I do know one thing and that is I need to cool off.So Jim get your but up and lets jump into the river and cool off for awhile.

With that she stood up and grabbed my hand and led me off to the river.While heading to the water I heard Mark tell Karen What did I tell you

Youre right Mark they do look like a cute couple.But, you know what Im going to miss most.

Whats that Karen.

That sweet pussy of your sisters.

I looked at Becky and she just gave me that impish smile of hers and said Ill tell you laterI cant wait for that story

https://curvage.org/forum/index.php?/forums/topic/55079-new-fan-of-curvy/

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http://forum.canardpc.com/threads/130465-%D1%81hoix-carte-mere?p=13356373

https://www.planete-citroen.com/forum/showthread.php?208758-Leve-vitre

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https://www.ramforumz.com/threads/4wd-serv-light.282132

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https://www.nissanclub.com/threads/2015-altima-acceleration.521820/

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calpalirwin · 5 years ago

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Sleepover

Summary: Anon request- I wish you would write a fic where: its Ash and Seb. and the teacher has to tape their lips from telling about Sebs friend in class and how they moved Seb so he could be nearer. And the friendship is very affectionate but platonic as maybe the other kid grew up in a very expressive household so holding hands, fixing hair etc. is normal. And the teacher is much more affectionate with Ash cause he taught Seb about all the different types of love. But they can't tell Ash cause Seb hasnt told Ash.

A/N: Revival of Ash and Seb! And okay, I know you said “platonic” but like… bear with me.

Content: All the soft affection. Dad!Ashton.

Word count: 1.6k

And away, and away we go!

“Um… Miss?” Sebastian’s voice asked from the back seat.

“Yes?” she asked, peeking at the boy through the rearview mirror. His eyes wouldn’t meet hers as he fiddled nervously with the cuffs of his sweatshirt.

“You’re not gonna tell Dad that you moved my seat, are you?”

She chuckled, shaking her head. “Not if you don’t want me to.”

The hazel eyes snapped up to meet hers in the mirror. “Really?!”

She chuckled more. “Sebastian, I didn’t move your seat because you were in trouble. I moved everybody’s seats because I thought you guys would like it.”

“But you moved me next to Ben.”

“Don’t you like sitting next to Ben? I thought you guys were friends.”

“We are! He’s my best friend. Did you know he has two moms?!”

“He does?!” she asked, matching his excitement.

“Yeah!” And then, “Miss?”

“Yeah?”

“Is it weird that Ben holds my hand? Like the way Dad holds your hand? Cuz… he’s done it before. And I don’t care that he does. It’s nice. But Alex saw. And I still don’t like Alex. So I let go. But I think I hurt Ben’s feelings when I did. But I didn’t do it cuz I didn’t like it. I just didn’t want Alex to pick on us.”

She held off on answering for a split second, not aware of how much Ashton had taught the boy about displays of affection and the like. “Well…” she finally decided. “If you and Ben like holding each other’s hands, then I don’t think it matters if other people think it’s weird.”

Sebastian smiled, liking what he had heard as they pulled into the driveway, as Ashton pulled in right after them. “You think Dad will let Ben come over on Saturday so we can play?” he asked as he climbed out in a hurry to greet his dad.

“I think you dad will love that.”

“Think I’ll love what?” Ashton asked, as he crouched to meet Sebastian’s hug.

“Dad! Can Ben come over on Saturday?”

Ashton’s eyebrows pulled together as he did a mental run through of his schedule. “Yeah. Ben can come over.”

“Cool! I’m gonna go call him and ask!” Sebastian said before taking off for the house.

“Don’t think I’ve ever met Ben. Or heard of him…”

“Yeah, Ben only transferred like a month ago. But him and Seb are practically joined at the hip. You’re home early.” She reached up on tiptoes to kiss him.

“Yeah, we finished early. Sorry. If I’d known I would have just come and got Seb myself.”

She waved him off dismissively. “Nonsense. It’s not like it’s a hassle for me to pick him up. Plus it gives me an excuse to come over.”

“Like you need an excuse,” Ashton winked, pulling her into him with a laugh. “You know you’re welcome whenever.”

Whatever moment they were about to share was stopped by Sebastian running back out, causing the couple to jump apart. “Can Ben spend the night on Saturday too, Dad?! His moms said it’s okay if he does.”

“Sure,” Ashton agreed.

“Awesome!”

~~~

Sebastian couldn’t sit still the rest of the week, his excitement constantly making his legs bounce. More than once he had to be reminded to focus on his work, but it was hard when every time he looked over at Ben, the other boy smiled before giving his hand a small squeeze. If Y/N thought there was more to it than just Sebastian being excited about his first sleepover like Ashton assumed, then she made no mention of it. But she did make a point to be more affectionate towards Ashton in Sebastian’s presence, as a subtle act of showing the fourth grader that there was nothing weird with showing those you cared about that you cared about them through simple touches. A gesture Ashton was more than fond of and he subconsciously found himself doing it more in turn, whether it was running his thumb over the back of her hands, or rubbing small circles in the small of her back.

On Saturday, as soon as Sebastian scarfed down his breakfast, he sat in front of the large window overlooking the driveway. He would let out a gasp of excitement before holding his breath at every car that passed by, hoping that it would be Ben. And every time the car would keep driving, Sebastian would let out his breath with a small sigh, and Ashton would glance worriedly over at the clock, hating the disappointment etched on his son’s face.

Finally, a car slowed out front, it’s blinker flashing before it pulled up the driveway. “He’s here!” Sebastian exclaimed, jumping up to his feet and bounding for the door. “Ben!” he greeted, throwing his arms around the other boy in a hug.

Ben broke out in a grin that rivaled Sebastian’s, pressing a swift kiss on his friend’s cheek before breaking out of the hug. Ashton couldn’t hear the words being said, but he assumed it was Ben introducing Sebastian to his moms, as he followed his son out front. “Hi, I’m Ashton. You must be Ben’s moms.”

The ladies’ swiveled towards Ashton. “Yes, hi!” they greeted warmly, still eyeing the boys who were already running back up towards the house, hands intertwined. “Thanks again for having Ben over.”

“Oh, yeah. Don’t even worry about it. What time do you want him home tomorrow?”

“Oh, we’ll pick him up around 2 if that’s alright.”

“Yeah, that’s totally fine.”

The three parents stood in awkward silence for a few moments, wondering what to do next as neither set had much experience with their sons having friendships that resulted in sleepovers. Thankfully they were saved by the boys barreling out of the house, before skidding to a stop in front of them, wide grins on their faces and absolutely breathless. “Dad! Can Ben and I sleep outside in the tent?!”

“Sure, bud,” Ashton smiled. “See if you can grab it out of the garage, and I’ll be out in a sec to help you guys set it up.”

“Daaaad, I can set it up myself…” he muttered lowly, cheeks flushing in embarrassment.

Ashton held up his hands in surrender, “Alright. Ben, I think your moms are ready to leave.”

“Oh! Bye!” Ben said before hugging his moms goodbye.

“Dad, can we make smores over a fire? Pretend like we’re really camping?”

“I think that sounds like a great idea. I think we got hotdogs still too, so we can roast those later for dinner. Sound good?”

“Awesome! C’mon, Ben! Let’s go get the tent!” Sebastian grabbed Ben’s hand, and the duo was running off again.

~~~

“Are they this close at school, too?” Ashton asked Y/N in a hushed whisper, watching as Ben yanked back his marshmallow he had set on fire, and Sebastian quickly blew it out as both boys erupted into a fit of giggles.

She nodded as she leaned closer to him. “Oh yeah. When I redid my seating chart, I purposefully sat them together so they would stop talking to each other across the classroom, and distracting everyone else.”

“Why didn’t you tell me he was doing that? I would’ve said something to him.”

“Because it wasn’t a big deal. If I had to call every parent every time their kid talked to their friend across the room, I’d never get anything done.”

“But he’s happy? I know this year hasn’t exactly been an easy one for him.”

“Ash, you worry too much. Seb’s doing just fine.”

“Dad! Can Ben and I have another smore?”

“Just one more,” Ashton relented, nodding over at the small outdoor coffee table that held all the fixings.

“Thanks Dad!”

“Thanks Mr. Ashton!”

“Better make yourself one before those two eat me out of chocolate,” Ashton murmured in Y/N’s ear, lips brushing against her neck as he pulled back.

“Mmm, you won’t make one for me?” she fake pouted.

“Only if you share it with me.”

“Deal,” she agreed.

~~~

“Hey, Dad?” Sebastian asked as Ashton helped him take down the tent now that Ben had gone home.

“Yeah, bud?”

“Gay’s when you’re a boy and you like other boys, right?”

Ashton choked on air, sitting back on his heels. “It’s… uh, a little more complicated than that, bud. But yeah. Typical when a boy likes a boy, he’d be considered gay.”

“Well, I’m a boy. And Ben’s a boy. And I like him. So I think I’m gay. At least for now.”

“And what do you like about Ben?”

“Well… I like that he holds my hand. And I like that he thinks my backpack’s cool because he likes Spider-Man too. And we have fun.”

“That’s good, bud.”

“He also kisses me sometimes. And I thought it’d be gross like when Uncle Cal and Uncle Mikey’s dogs get too excited. But it’s not.”

Again, Ashton choked on air. “Whoa. You are way too young to be kissing anybody, pal.”

“It’s not a grown-up kiss!” Sebastian giggled, his cheeks turning pink. “It’s like the same kiss I give Aunties and Grandma. Right here.” He stabbed a finger into his cheek.

“C’mere, bud,” Ashton said, patting the grass next to him. “You can like whoever you want,” he told his son as they sat together. “And you can hold their hand, and have fun with them. But-”

“I have to ask, and if they say ‘no,’ then that’s it. I know, Dad.”

“Well yes. That too. But the kissing? I’m not saying that you shouldn’t. But there’s a time and place for that. And school’s not that time or place. Like you can kiss people’s cheeks all you want, just not at school, okay? At least not until you’re a little older. Any don’t worry about labeling yourself. Just like who you like. Deal?”

“Deal,” Sebastian grinned. Then, “Hey, Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“I still think I want that person to be Ben. You know, the person I like the way you like Miss Y/N. At least for now.”

“And if Ben wants that too, then go ahead and like him. Just do me one favor, alright?”

“What?”

“Help me put this damned tent away!”

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#sleepover #ashton irwin #ashton irwin fic #dad!ashton #ash&seb #galcal irwin

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normal-thoughts-official · 5 years ago

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I'm ignoring my responsibilities in favor of watching the All Malec Moments video compilation so get ready for a livewatch no one asked for

Hodge is so incredibly wrong about everything he says about Magnus and it's kind of impressive because all he says is heavily supported by the Clave's files, which. Is proof of how great Magnus is at manipulating them and having them think exactly what he wants them to, tbh. Especially considering that as much as Magnus closes off emotionally, he was always very caring and kind to all other downworlders and warlocks, like, they all know they can trust him, he was named HWoB, he has a thousand kids, he took them all into hiding, etc. But the Clave and circle members are still 100% sure he's a super greedy lothario who's good for nothing but partying, and like. Obviously it's because they racist but they have an intelligence system and a file full of pictures and information and it all seems to support what Hodge is saying about him. So like Magnus was quite literally living a double life, with a whole personality he put up for shadowhunters and enemies, and another for his allies and friends, and even that one isnt 100% him because he was still trying to protect himself by closing himself off from relationships. and thats fucking impressive like my man is so smart i love him

Their first official talk is so funny magnus literally goes "I'm magnus" and Alec goes "Alec" and then he smiles and then he just goes. "Oh yeah right we should uh we should go to the hmm youhavebeautifuleyes what's it called hm" and its hilarious because they exchanged three (3) words and Alec is already all lost because Magnus is just That Beautiful. also all Magnus has to do is introduce himself and Alec smiles for the first time in 4 episodes like bro. bro. seriously. help him

he's SO frustrated when Alec doesn't get the "i love a dirty lair" flirt like he does that little eyebrow raise and hes just like "what the hell i thought that was GOOD" but Alec's head is legit playing wii music

Magnus pays izzy for "defending the warlocks" i had forgotten about that and it makes me so soft ;-;

Magnus and Izzy were just vibing with magnus asking her what presents Alec likes and clary immediately interrupts to ask about the memory demon like homophobic from day one i guess

Magnus is positively impressed by the way Clary goes "I'll do anything to save my mother" you can see how much he values loyalty right then have i mentioned that i love him

we talk about the "I'm talking to you" part a lot but we never mention how Magnus just throws that one and yeets off with clary not even waiting for a reaction he's just like that's RIGHT bitch you have beautiful hazel eyes too! do with that what you will i am now summoning a demon goodbye forever

the second him and Clary are away from the rest he tells her not to trust anyone and to be careful, like... ugh he cares so much it's unreal and again very deliberate, flirt a little, give izzy a necklace, throw in some innuendos, make it seem like it's all very innocuous so no one bothers to follow them or listen in when he goes away with Clary alone, and then immediately warn her about the clave when he gets away from the others. like he cares so much and he's so good at keeping that visible only for those he wants to it's astounding, my man is so talented and i hate that he had to learn to do that to survive but god i admire him and how committed he is to helping others too. like he could say "welp who cares it's dangerous imma go fuck off" like ragnor did but not only did he stay but he had a huge vulnerability with all his generosity and he never gave that up not for a second, even as he closed himself off from having any close friends or family or lovers, he never was anything if not generous and kind

the way he deliberately calls Jace shadowhunter in the most uninterested and even lowkey condescending way after the "pretty boy" incident idndjdndi we stan a king

the way Alec and magnus hold hands to summon the demon and even Magnus seems a bit shocked at the intensity of the sound and the bond that they make like. obviously they have their little staring contest and Alec is doing the Lightwood Intensity™ thing but like you can see Magnus frown just slightly and be a little confused because it was so strong right off the bat. even the sound of when they hold hands is louder than when the others do, like you can just feel their connection and the way magnus' magic flows so freely through Alec like god the soulmate energy tbh

Alec has a full body jerk when they hold hands too and he's the only one like damn we get it u 2 r vibin get a room

Izzy going "you ppl are pathetic" straight to the hets is so funny especially after Alec reacted to holding magnus' hand like he had gotten a 1000W electric shock or something. but i get the feel maybe she did that deliberately so they wouldnt pay as much attention to Alec's reaction too

the special effects were truly so bad like we all knew this but damn

Jace is such an asshole like Alec made it to kill the demon because it was you know about to seriously hurt them all and Magnus had just said that he couldn't contain the demon for longer (and like we know that Alec is the only one who ever cared if Magnus overexerted himself out of the shadowhunters but like bro this affects you) and Jace just???? shoved him??????? against the wall???? like a fucking piece of shit??? they should have let valak kill him tbh

the first time magnus calls him Alexander is when he calls Alec to see if he wants a drink and it's just like very clearly a thing that's supposed to be between them two? like he never did it when there were others nearby and i dig that

the fact that when asking Alec out he said "it was nice getting to know you, you seem sympathetic" like he could have gone with a lot of better more flirty adjectives but for a second the truth slipped out and he said what he thought - that while Alec was objectively you know tall and strong and all what really attracted him was the way Alec clearly gave a fuck whether or not Magnus was struggling with his magic to keep the damn demon at bay. and that was before the magic sharing shit too when Alec proved him right by cleaning up his things and saying that he had exerted himself enough for one day. like so many ppl see Magnus as the All Powerful Son Of Asmodeus Who's Also There To Service Shadowhunters and Alec just shows the faintest signs of caring about his wellbeing and he's immediately drawn to him like damn Im sad

also maybe this might be why he asked Alec to come so he could draw from his strength specifically, like he knew from the little hand holding thing that Alec was open and receptive to his magic (which probably adds to the "sympathetic" stuff like the fact that Alec had such an intense reaction to his magic and yet didnt try to push it back or draw away from it basically shows that he's open to Magnus if that makes sense? not only because magic is a part of warlocks but also because shadowhunters are all taught that magic is like, dirty and evil, so it would be instinctive for Alec to be resistant to demonic magic in his body, but he wasn't, he accepted it so readily and intensely it was a shock to the both of them) and also that he cared enough to support him. he kinda had Magnus' back from the beginning, first killing that circle member in the club before Magnus even saw him, then helping Magnus kill the other, then immediately making it to kill the demon when Magnus said he couldn't hold him back for long. like im aware I'm reading too much into this but s1 malec was very kept to the between-the-lines and its very interesting to me to think what Magnus was thinking, even if obviously on a subconscious level. Alec was showing himself to be open, reliable and caring, and magnus values that, and hes attracted to him and he hasnt had that in a while, because he wouldnt allow himself, but now he's healing and the pull he feels when he finally gets that while being emotionally available enough to accept these little gestures of caring is really strong. love that for him tbh

i go FERAL over everything about the magic sharing shit okay i always have. the way alec shows up and Magnus is kind of falling over, exhausted from trying to hold onto luke, and Alec immediately runs to support his weight and make sure hes okay? and magnus even as he was about to fall over never had his magic falter, my man couldn't keep his balance but still wouldnt come close to stumbling and risking luke's life further for even a second. so when Alec gets there he's just quite literally having his back, supporting his weight, when even Magnus didnt care about that (which like. unhealthy) and was focused on luke? and like Magnus can focus on luke because Alec is there to give him his support and make sure he's fine and how long's it been since he last had someone to do that?? and it's clearly alec's first instinct and like we know Jace or even Clary wouldnt fucking react like that. and then they have this ridiculous fucking staring contest again like we get it alec you're gay panicking at Magnus' beautiful eyes but like pls? and then we get to the most important part which is TAKE WHAT YOU NEED

like JDNDJSNSKDNDJDBSHSBSUSNSISNSIBSZJBZUZBSJSBSISNSSINSIS *SCREAMS INTO OBLIVION, SENDING SELF OUT OF EARTH'S GRAVITY ZONE*

his reaction is just SO intense and immediate he's just like "take what you need" he just offers himself fully to help Magnus just like that, no hesitation, and like Magnus is literally drawing from Alec's strength/life force, there should be some kind of resistance, even from a regular person or a friend, like its a very natural instinct. but Alec just grabs his hand and goes take what you need and he doesn't resist he just lets him do it and lets Magnus take his strength, because he genuinely worries about his wellbeing and safety just because he does, he believes in protecting others and being there for them, same as Magnus, and to Alec it's the most natural thing in the world but to Magnus it's shocking because he's always been self reliant, he has to be, he's been alone too many times and he's been used too many times and he's scared of what he'll let people take from him if he opens himself up because he always gives and gives, and he hasnt even let anyone be there for him to have his back and give him support when he needed in these last few centuries, not fully, not since Camille. but Alec shows up and just immediately cares for him in both small (like later when he refuses to let Magnus clean his couch magically because he knows he's tired and does it himself) and huge (like literally not hesitating before letting Magnus use a super intimate and presumably draining spell on him without putting any kind of limit, so Magnus can not overexert himself like he always does) ways and it means so much to him? and hes just so drawn and attracted to him and suddenly he realizes he's catching feelings that he had forgotten how to, because of course he had been healing and opening up, but he still kept people at some kind of length that didnt allow them to take care of him even if they wanted to, but Alec got that opening and he dived right in, and Magnus realizes how starved he's been for this kind of care and support that he's been denying himself and he decides to chase this, take it seriously, and i just aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and like again Alec doesn't even think twice about it, because he's always been the protector and the support anyway, and he doesn't want to let anyone struggle and also most of that is just him being a Decent Human Being, but just like he got that opening that no one else did before, he met Magnus at the right time and he was sympathetic and caring and that sparked so much in Magnus, made him realize just how much he's been craving affection and care and close contact with people, and being vulnerable emotionally, and all of that that he's been denying himself. obviously magnus is romantically attracted to him but right then Alec is unlocking honesty with himself inside of magnus, he's unlocking vulnerability and not using it against him but really making a good thing out of it, and magnus' forgotten it could feel like this, safe and nice instead of hurting and scary. and again it's such a simple gesture but fuck my boy's been starved!! for so long!!! okay! and he can't help but want to desperately clutch to that feeling because against all odds he trusts alec to see his vulnerability right then (and he deliberately lets him see it further when he gives Alec that drink, tells him he's been closed off, that alec's unlocked something in him. you can see all the sadness and hope and vulnerability in his eyes right then, pretty much for the first time in the show, hes just so open and vulnerable and that's deliberate! first time was a fluke but second time he's choosing to because he wants to see where this goes, and if the magic sharing scene is the spark, the drinking scene is the fire, because they're not in a life or death situation anymore, Magnus is choosing to give Alec a chance by showing him a glimpse of his insecurities and Alec answers in kind, letting Magnus see his own confusion and want, and also again shows his caring and doesn't betray or use magnus' vulnerability and fuck!!! Magnus falls in love right then because this boy stays with him all night and talks, and he sees Magnus look at him with shiny eyes and admit that he's been scared of relationships, and he tells magnus not to overexert himself, and they click and Alec is open to his magic and hes funny and hes compassionate and also passionate about what he believes in, and they have so much in common with the way they hide and care so deeply and protect others always and are so loyal and i just. udndjdndidjdjxnxjxnskxndk SOULMATES god)

I need to lie down actually this was a bad idea I'm not strong enough I'm too feral

Might continue this later who knows. I'll be tagging malec livewatch and also long post as always if you want to filter this nonsense out

#fuck im an emotional bitch this was supposed to be funny and lighthearted!!!#incoherent shit #sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #alec lightwood #malec #meta #malec meta #aaaaaaa #overflowing trashcan #long post #malec livewatch #anti jace herondale

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mousehole5000 · 4 years ago

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tgcf chapters 107 - 120 this is one where i give some Opinions. i do overall like hualian a lot but i have some quibbles

wait why am i still taking screenshots? i can copy/paste again afskldfjasad

It really was hard to tell whether people would feel happy after watching such performances. However, in truth, slaughter and the sight of blood did create excitement in people. Whether or not there was fear, after the initial shock was over, a rush of adrenaline would be produced in the heart- me watching horror movies

“Shi Qingxuan said. “Then, Your Highness, Crimson Rain Sought Flower! I order you to—to immediately strip each other’s clothing!” - djslkadjlsd WHY DID HE SPECIFICALLY SAY THEY HAD TO STRIP EACH OTHER THISALSKDJ is this a normal thing is it a wingman attempt what is happening

“I’ll tell you what it is,” he said softly. “To watch with your own eyes your beloved be trampled and ridiculed, yet be unable to do anything. That’s the worst suffering in the world.” ... “Ming Yi asked, “What’s the biggest regret of your life?”- when truth or dare gets a bit too real

On the side, Hua Cheng was still only observing, and was already bored to the point where he’d changed back into his red robes. Then he changed to black robes again. Then to white robes. Almost every time Xie Lian looked back, he would be donning a different appearance, and with every new look there were different hairstyles, and different accessories, and different boots, and so on; sometimes playful, sometimes elegant, sometimes deadly, sometimes glamourous. Xie Lian was growing dizzy from all the colours and kept looking back, unable to look away. - THIS ISNT THE TIME HUA CHENG. YOURE PRIMPING. THE WINDMASTER HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED AND YOURE PRIMPING

obsessed with xie lian not being able to figure out to use the windmaster’s fan and just. using it to SMACK

also windmaster??? whats going on??? :( i know some things from spoilers like who is not to be trusted but i really have no clue whats happening rn

anyways back to puqi shrine lets check on those kids also can we PLEASE get some funds for this restoration smh. hua cheng and xie lian doing mundane hard labor together to fulfill prayers.... :pleading:

jailbreak in the heavens 2: dig a tunnel

Sure enough, the moment Ming Yi put pressure on his shovel, a hole opened up before them. With the shovel raised, he burrowed crazily ahead while Shi Qingxuan, in the middle, cheered him on crazily. As the only non-crazy person, Xie Lian brought up the rear. That treasured shovel of the Earth Master was indeed magical, and with only a few strokes, a new tunnel of over ten meters was dug. - anybody remember mulch diggums from the artemis fowl series? this is much more dignified than that but i think this is only the second time ive read a character just starting digging a tunnel as a plot point

okay so much is going on i wish i hadnt spoiled who certain characters actually are for myself but i have no one to blame but me for a) not blacklisting spoilers at all and b) just having a little freefall through the tags. oh well. anyway heavenly college admissions scandal except way worse. the corruption extends to the heavens and the windmaster is having a very bad day

i guess we’re having a high seas adventure now?

im gonna keep it real im getting tired of how often we get told how handsome hua cheng is. i know its all xie lian’s pov and while im not terribly familiar with it i know what genre we’re working with and im assuming thats pretty typical. its something i dont much care for in general and idk maybe it sounds better in the original but ngl its starting to make me roll my eyes. love you goth king but god okay we get it.

i guess what i will say about hualian so far is that overall i like them and i like how they interact in general they have a lot of nice moments and they just genuinely seem to like each other which is really nice to see EXCEPT for when it actually comes to things that could be romantic or sexual which is a shame bc i dont think it has to be like this. again disclaimer that im only reading a translation and dont know everything might not have all the knowledge necessary to accurately criticize etc etc and im assuming a lot of this is expected from the genre (disclaimer to this disclaimer that i cant say that for sure its just based on things ive picked up about the bl genre over the years) but idk like xie lian was so distressed after their underwater kiss scene. it was kind of uncomfortable to read and maybe im being unfair i know his cultivation is based around abstinence or whatever but idk i dont care for it. and that scene alone doesnt have to be a bad thing like idk i guess its his first kiss ever (?) and it would make sense if he feels weird about it but i just have my doubts thats going to be addressed or resolved in a satisfying way. also im like. dude everyone is like centuries old. xie lian’s been on earth for 800 years. has he really never met or heard of a gay person during all this time? maybe he hasnt idk what he got up to yet maybe that’s actually a thing. also same thing with the reactions from the immortals to xie lian in a dress and characters like the windmaster like again you’re all centuries old and its not uncommon to be able to just completely change gender presentation. why are you all weird about a man wearing a woman’s dress? i just feel like that shouldnt be a big deal to these characters idk

also again not going to lie part of this that im not really a big fan of reading romance in general. yes i am reading this book. yes i do read and write a lot of fanfic that includes or centers romance. im multifaceted. but really what im talking about is the like physical side of it and descriptions im extremely picky about it. ill give an example. early on in the torture pit (or whatever it was called i cant remember lol) when xie lian kind of accidentally felt up hua cheng in the dark when he was being carried. i dont think thats a bad thing to have happen between the two romantic leads i think thats fine and good to include that early but i just did not enjoy reading it when it happened idk maybe it was the wording and i do think that moments like these work better in a visual medium. ive definitely read het romance that reads like this and i wasnt a fan of that either lol same with fanfic i get tired when writers go on and on about how hot one characters finds another character. this isnt a huge criticism of it like i said im picky but again like with the way that hua cheng is described it just makes me roll my eyes sorry kings

okay back to the reading. this whole saving the fishermen thing feels like a big set up for something narrative-wise. hua cheng specifically insisted on coming and i know one of the characters involved ends up dying im wondering if thats now it would be a good time tbh if things get just a bit too unfortunate during this heavenly calamity... and the brothers are notably not having a harmonious time... also tho it feels very likely we’ll just have another Hualian Moment (tm)

In such a situation, Pei Ming still acted the same. In the evening, when they rescued a few fishermen girls, so scared their eyes were blurry from tears, he held them in his embrace and soothed them with a gentle voice; a true show of honeyed romance, affectionate and charming. - pei ming please get pickled again.

also its funny that hua cheng is just kinda hanging out and everyone else just has to deal with it

Looking down from above, the entire area was painted in a terrifying black. It was easy to see the collision between the two different-coloured currents. Their fierce battle was what formed this enormous whirlpool. As the eye swallowed the ship whole, the two currents of water separated. However, the battle was far from over. Like two venomous vipers, they continued to snap at each other. Each collision was followed by a mountain of angry waves. - this pretty dope ngl. also love our wind and earth masters just chilling on a shovel i dig it. hehe

Yet, other than discovering Hua Cheng had a fine body, there were no other finds. Xie Lian was at his wit’s end and started to worry. - okay see this one’s funny im just also irritated bc im like WE KNOW!!! WE GET IT HE’S HOT AND XIE LIAN THINKS HE’S HOT OKAY GOT IT

okay kiss #2 again its not the kisses themselves its xie lian’s reaction it just bothers me idk im not saying i need him to be super into it and completely unconflicted about it rn but he’s just so freaked out about it and idk i just dont really like it just feels weird i dont care for that aspect of it. also dude hua cheng is a ghost and he did this exact same thing for you before just chill. i wish instead of xie lian literally running away while screaming that hes sorry he was just like “oh haha youre fine thats cool im gonna go look around the woods i dont feel weird about this at all haha” like idk its kind of funny but when its literally our two romantic leads i just feel like its confusing like it kind of makes me feel like they shouldnt be together if one of them freaks out this much again considering the fact that they are both CENTURIES old. i know i know xie lian is an 800 year old virgin but. he hasn’t been like this about anything else so yeah idk like it still could have been awkward and funny i just dont think it needed to be so :/ that being said it was funny that xie lian was then internally like “oh i did it wrong? perhaps i should ask him for more.. instructions....” if that actually happens i might like it bc it would complete this little watery theme

Before he finished, he immediately remembered. Coffin wood. There were trees here everywhere; and a deceased? There was one right before his eyes. Sure enough, Hua Cheng smiled. “Won’t it be fine once I lie inside? - love that hua cheng just sat on the fact that he can turn anything into a coffin. that would have been really useful information earlier but no he just waited until everyone but xie lian was gone afjaklsdjf

also i do think that oblivious xie lian thinking “wow whoever it is that hua cheng fancies is an idiot for not liking him back theyre totally taking him for granted :/” is kind of funny and sweet. actually the whole conversation they have at the campfire is good and im bookmarking it to think about later

“...You on top and me on the bottom,” Xie Lian replied. “Isn’t top and bottom the same?” Hua Cheng asked. - okay im sorry but. mood whenever theres discourse about top/bottom dynamics for a ship im just like jesus christ i dont care. tbh i rarely read fanfiction if its just sexual and ngl if i see a fic specifically tag characters as top or bottom i wont read it lmfao. especially when people have really strong opinions about this stuff when theres nothing canonical to back it up like headcanon all you want but whenever i see people argue about it im just like no offense but go work out your own sexual issues and dynamics instead of arguing with strangers on the internet about who’s a top and who’s a bottom. sorry to be mean but just thats how i feel lol

this was mostly a ramble with a few excerpts but im getting sleepy im going to TRY to take a break from this for like a day but we’ll see how that goes i do very much want to know what happens. anyway if you read this whole thing hiiiiii sorry for subjecting you to my opinions on top/bottom discourse

#minors dni #reading this is weird its like wow this is pretty great actually im having a blast #and then there's these moments that are like...... hmmmm.#idk they havent been awful i just think theyre :/#still funny tho ill give it that #tgcf liveblog

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foolsonthehills · 4 years ago

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you weirdos saying “identity politics ruined art” and acting like capitalism hasnt ruined every single part of humanity by sucking the meaning out of it. also, how did identity politics make ppl do bad art??? write bad books??? bcs we still are reading good books, much better books from the 2000s and we’re reading from EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE. so what has been ruined?? oh u mean mainstream media, yeah ok, yeah, WHEN WAS AMERICAN MAINSTREAM MEDIA “GOOD”?? not even american, when was anything mainstream objectively “good” under capitalism? (and by mainstream i mean REALLY mainstream, not tumblr mainstream.) bcs honest to god the only thing i see is bad art w more poc in it but for yall to act like bad art didnt exist before black ppl tried to take their narrative back??? or gay ppl demanded respect?? think of the fast and furious franchise, the twilight franchise, friends, fucking harry potter, these things were already MEDIOCRE and popular and mainstream way before “identity politics “ kicked in and??? just cause a white lady said sumn u shouldn’t just repeat it mindlessly babes.

#no u dont get it #i hate this discussion #it makes NO sense #yall blaming minorities for wanting things less white and cishet like a weirdos #who looks at a horrible piece of media and goes hmmm it wouldnt be so bad if there wasnt gay ppl in it #if u fucking cant reflect the society properly or atleast the way you see it then u shouldnt be doing art #if an artist is ‘incapable’ of making good art when the characters r supposed to b black or trans or gay #then THEY are the bad artist #tf did identity politics do

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jedward5ever · 4 years ago

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Jacob and Edward

hey guys. just a little something. Jacob and Edward if you’re into that.

setting: cullen’s house they’re studying or smthn bella hasnt moved in yet

edward: so what did you get for number 5?

Jacob: uhhhhh…..i didnt do it

edward: ok. why?

Jacob: i don't really get this whole math thing...can u explain?

e: oh that’s okay. well first of all this is biology. so in question 5 they’re asking what is the first step of glycolysis, do you know what glycolysis is?

J: uhhhhh i turn into a wolf sometimes

e: *startled, looks away.* uh? ok well glycolysis is basically when glucose is split (glucose is sugar and like……. sweet) and the final product is two pyruvate molecules

J: *turns into a wolf* aaaaawooooooooooooo

e: *slaps him across the wolf face, once then twice* what the FUCK are you doing. you cant do ths in my house and u broke my antique glass table i stole from bulgaria

J: *turns back into a person* sorry bro i do that sometimes when im nervous

e: ………. *lights down spotlight on edward for brief monologue* i… i feel so guilty i slapped him to be or not to be? then i should aboiplogize *lgihts back on*... hey jacob im sorry is lapped u….. why r u nervous’

J: its ok bro…..im nervous bc...no i cant say it...its embarrassing

e: *caresses jacobs’ face where he slapped him* its ok. im sorry. sometimes i let my anger get the better of me

J: its ok ...its just that….i..i….

e: *starts getting mad* speak the fuck up. what are u saying

J: *mumbles something*

e: *starts meditating to calm down* what.

J: i said…..i….l...ll

e: WHAT YOU STUPID MUTT

j:......i….love……

e: what the fuck r u trying to say *flexes his hands ina nger*

J: i love y- *dies of unknown cause*

e: Hi, I’m edward cullen. im trained in first aid. can i help u? *no answer* hello? are you awake? bystander *points to alice* please contact ems adn let them know someone is about to be Turned *bites jacob*

J: *becomes a vampire but also still werewolf* bro……

e: ok. so do you understand glycolysis now?

J: yeah i do thanks bro that helped a lot

e: no problem, now onto question 6. wait. this isn’t a bio question. it says…. no i can’t read this filth

J: what does it say man

e: it… it *face turns red then green then purple* it…. ugh this is disgusting. you read it

J: i didnt want to tell u this bc i thought you would make fun of me but…..i cant read...

e: u fucking illiterate bastard. fine ill read it *clears throat* fuck i didnt copy pzste it hold on

Lmssoaooao dw ok it wont let me but *jacob x edward fanfiction*

LAMOAOAK

J: dude…...thats in the textbook????

e: yeah. its fucking disgusting. how did they know everything about us… actually wait it look s like someone wrote this by hand…

J: thats so weird…..who would have done that….so gross….

e: lemme check whose textbook this is. *flips to front*................................................................. *looks up at jacob with golden orbs and squints his eyes* it says its ur textbook

J: thats c-c-crazy bro ,,,,, i cant even read hahaha how could i write that hahaha

e:....... you fucking liar. yeah u can read. is this seriously how u thin k of me? of us? ur sick in the fucking head. i woulc neve.r;..... never fucking do that with u

J:....is that...is that realy how you feel?

e: *inexplicable rage* obviously u weirdo stupid werewolf dog *starts choking jacob*

J: *actually likes being choked* oh no…..oh no…..don't do this…. e: *notices hes into it* AHRHGHGHHGHGHHG (in rage) *choke slams him into the broken glass table* YOURE SO GROSS

J: *thinks* he will never love me the way i love him...maybe i should just end it all…..

e: *freeze frame…. lights down spotlight on edward again... monoglogu* wait…. what the fuck……… is that smell? i just realized i cannot read his mind? what the fuck is going on…………. *slideshow in the background with informational voice: it turns out that one of jacob’s sperm containing renesemee was i dont know hanging out which was already pyscihologucally connected to bella and stole bella’s power of smelling good and no thoughts then transferred it to jacob making him have those powers* *spotlight end* jacob…….. why the fuck…. cant i read ur mind… why do u smell so good…

J: i didnt know u could read minds….maybe i just don't have thoughts…..

e: everyone has fucking thoughts.l…… but i cant… read urs…

J: i don't know…….has that ever happened before?

e: no… *intense eye contact*

J; *blushes and looks down* im sorry im different

e: *looks away cus jacob looked away, then accidentally looks down* bro… is that….

J: no bro… its not what it looks like!!!

e: *stares at him then throws up to the side* i cant believe this… ur a nasty dog but i cant help but feel….. attracted to u

J: youre...attracted to me……

e: I dnt’ know why……. dont worry i cant get it up i have no blood

J: wait….we cant fuck??? Im out of here *turns to leave*

e: wait. there is a way…… *flashback on the slideshow to when edeawrd drank jacobs blodo to vampirize him this slideshow is viewable by edward and jacob*

J: well tell me,,,how do we fuck?????

e: u tell me

J: i don't know youve been a vampire longer than i have

e: bruh. so????? i follow the christian beliefs

J: stupid idiot we cant fuck then

e: *looks away* i guess. not like i wanted to anyways

J: you know what? I don't have to deal with this *turns to leave* call me when you want some dick

e: *when jacob is more than like 10m away suddenly intense pain hits them both* theres… something i forgot to tell u. when i vampirized u….. iut basically means ur bonded to me for like 1 month….

J: so youre telling me….im stuck with u for a month….and we cant fuck

e: well yeah more or less

the end

BREAKOUT ROOMS ENDED CLASS IS OVER LMAAOAOAOAGood rp bro SUCH A GOOD CLASS i agreed exactly to be continued

LOL EXCELLENT STORY it was honestly amazing great twists and turns, the tensini was high cant wait to see where this goes hope rob enjoys <3

setting: school assembly, principal andrew is doing a presentation on how to stay safe from these mysterious killings….. (vampires and werewolfs)

jacob and edward sit next to each other cus they cant be 10m apart.

e: ugh. u again.

J: stop talking as if this isnt ur fault

e: *whispering* ur the one who fucking died for no reason

J: ok and?? You didnt have to bring me back

e: *roll eyes* u know exactly why i had to

J:.........what do you mean…….

e: *looks at him with golden orbs then looks away* shut up. principal andrew is talking..

J: *is listening to every word andrew says bc he is so amazing but keeps looking at edward*......

e: * is listening and doesn’t notice j acob looking at him, then speaks to jacob without looking at him* look… they’re talking about killings… is this ur fucking tribe’s doing?

J: what the fuck no way its your stupid fucking family we keep our end of the agreement

e: *inhales sharply, then grips jacob’s leg with vampire strengthz* dont u fucking talk about my family like that u stupid mutt *people begin looking in their direction*

J: *is kind of turned on but would never admit it* stop being fucking gay people are staring

e: *notices people are staring and releases jacob, embarrassedly* just shut the fuck up and listen. *andrew begins talking about A CURFEW… they cannot leave their houses or some shit like basically e and j have to be together*

J:wait….how the fuck are we supposed to stay in our houses if we cant be away from each other….im not about to live with your weird incest family…

e: *enraged again, grabs the back of jacob’s neck at the pressure point* what the fuck. did. i say. about. talking. shit. about. my family. take that back right fucking now

J: *smirks* what are you gonna do about it…..be more gay?

e: *even more rage* i am not fucking gay —- cut off by andrew: Edward, Jacob, what the fuck are yall doing? *everyone turns to look, spotlight on them*

J: im sorry mr andrew….its just that edward attacked me…..hes so in love with me and he keeps assaulting me...im not gay though

andrew: oh thank god (he thought they were gay). edward, jacob immediately separate.

J:uhhhhhhhh i think we have to talk though…..sort this out with words…

e: *is extremely embarrassed to have everyones attention on him* Yes sir, andrew. i mean principal andrew. *grabs jacob by the scruff of his neck and drags him to the hallway and then slams him in to the lockers like bullies in the 80s* why the FUCK did u embarass me like that

J: bro you embarrassed urself…..you were all over me….just say youre into me itll be easier for both of us

e: ALL OVER YOU? *slams him again*

J:yeah like ur all ove me right now you cant keep your cold dead hands off of me

e: *moves back as if burned, walking away backwards while also throwing up, but then he is too far and they are both in intense pain*

J: dude calm down lets talk about this shit….we gotta make a plan

e: *refusing to come closer, so still are in pain* …...plan… for … what

J: the fucking…..cerfew…. Idiot…. Come back…..

e: *doesn’t come back, vomits once more* no… u fucking… smell…. what do … u mean…. the curfew…

J: were you not….listening to andrew… we have to stay inside our houses….but how can we do that if we cant be apart from each other

e: *looks away angrily* ….. we… will have to… stay apart… in pain… i guess…

J: you’re so fucking stubborn you did this to me and now youre making me suffer too

e: … i… don’t… care…. *walks even further, causing them more pain*

J: were only like 20m apart….and it already feels like this…..you think we can handle more thN THIs forever???? Youre so fucking stupid

e: *glares at him but doesnt come closer* shut. the … fuck up…. you fucking…. dog…

J: *steps closer* make...me…..

e: *doesn’t see him coming cus eyes are closed* shut…. up… stop… talking…

J: *steps closer* i said…...make….me

a/n: how fucking close are they now huh uhh like 3 ft apart ok

e: *smells jakob cus he stinks and opens eyes* GET AWAY FROM ME

J: make me *smirks*

a/n: LMFAO THANKS i need to formulate a perfect response lemmet hink of course take all the time you need

e: what the fuck do you mean make me? i will launch u across this hallway wolf boy

J: do it then…..

e: *grabs him by the neck again and slings him*

J: *dies*

e: *notices.( a/n: sigh) spotlight… on …. edward… monoglogue: i-........i cant believe i fucking killed him again…. the pain is gone but… literally wtf….. i…. grrr. *edward looks into the distance, pondering. then silently goes to jacob.* i have to save him. *begins cpr and mouth to mouth breathing*

J: *was never actually dead only pretending like romeo and juliet* *smirks*

a/n: I FUCKING KNEW IT LOL

e: *notices the smirk, then realizes he was alive the whole time* what the FUCK jacob? *slaps him across the face* you dirty bastard

a/n KALMASKDAOJDIJDOASOISO

J: so i guess you don't hate me that much huh?

e: *slaps him again* i thought you fucking died. i couldn’t let andrew discover a dead body in the hallway. and. and anyway i was going to eat you afterwards so yeah take that

J: yeah thats so believable…… just say you love me...i wont judge you *gay slur*

e: *is about to rage again* im literally. fucking straight. i love…. va-vgagag gaggaga *starts vomiting* WHAT THE FUCK DO U WANT FROM ME

a/n IM CRYING HAHA

J: dude...its 2020...its ok to be gay...you don't have to pretend to be someone youre not,,,, i aceppt you

e: *once again, he can’t help but be attracted to jacob bc of the science i explained in the previous thing, stares depeply into jacob’s orbs* what… do… you… want… from …. me … u fucking… dog

J: *stares back into edwards orbs* i just….i just want you to be happy…

e: *looks away* i am… happy. away from you.

J: *looks away from edward looking away* if thats really how you feel…...fine...ill take the pain….

e: *once a fucking gain. spotlight. monologue* in all my 118 years…. ive caused so much pain and destruction… should i really put this on poor jacob’ why did i see children see i mean sayy omg on poor jacob’s shoulders. no i cant.* no. no. we can. stay together. *teeth clenched* for. the curse, of course. so. you don’t have pain. not that. i . like u.

a/n TEARS MAN WHY IS EDWARD A TSUNDERE I DONT KNOW

J: fine...for the curse….whatever helps you sleep at night..

e: *touches jacob’s shoulder (only cus theyre so close) and pushes him back* yeah. you can stay at. my house. i guess

a/n: (u have to say no so ed goes to jacobs werewolf hq)

J: no way i cant be around all those incesty vampires its creepy as fuck you come to my place

e: *gasp* what the fuck. youre literally a VAMPIRE too. i…. i dont wanna go to ur place…

J: physically im a vampire but mentally im still a wolf and i will not be around so many dead sister fuckers

e: ….. i don’t wanna be around u stinky werewolves…. Unless….no.

J: what man???

e: *is disgusted firstly, by werewolves, and the way jacob speaks so heterosexually irks him* nothing. can’t we, like. get a hotel room.

J: that might not be a bad idea…..but im poor remember

e: *facepalms then says annoyedly* fine. we’ll go to ur fucking wolf den. but u have to make it up to me.

J: ……...how?

e: *rolls eyes* i don;’t fucking know. u tell me. it better be good cus i will never get that werewolf smell off of me.

J: i mean…...we could like…..if youre down…….

e: *squints at him* what.

J: we could……..you know…. ..

e: *understands, slaps him across the face for millionth time poor jacob probably has permanent hand prints* EW.

J: like i don't want to because im not gay but id do it for you

e: … you know. i used to be able to read ur mind up until a few weeks ago. so i do know what the fuck u thought of me…. what u thought—- *nearly vomits again*

J: but that was a long time ago...before we got close….now you made me straight

e: *extremely offended* what the fuck? you dont think im hot anymore?

J: why does it matter???? Youre not gay right

e: *hits him again* im not FUCKING gay. and it matters. b ecause, because,m because because because bcuae buse bcueacuab euacaubeucae BECAUSE. everyone thinks im hot. and if ur around him[edward] for the next month, u also need tot hink im hot.

a/n wtf is him oh of course a/n: edward is refering tohimself in third person

J: maybe if you were nicer to me id like you more...stop fucking hitting me and vomitting

a/n: lAMFPAOO,FP

e: *looks away in shame, then sighs shakily brings his cold vampirical hands to jacob’s bruised face* look. my hands. are so.. fucking cold they will heal ur bruies *doesnt look him in the eyes*

a/n HYDUHFUIEHWOIHOIDW

J: *doesnt make eye contact* thanks….i guess…

e: *keeps using vampircal cold hands to heal, then they accidentally make eye contact, edward looks away*

J: you don't have to look away…..

e: *glares back at him just to prove a point* fine.

J: *stares into edwards orbs with kindness and love* ……….

e: *stares back and recognizes what jacob is feeling, whispers* ur fucking gay

J: maybe…..but so are you…….

END

BREAKOUT ROOM ENDINGWHY THEY HAVE A COUNTDOWN. OK THIS SCENE ENDS HERE NEXT IS JACOB’S HOUSE ok it was really good today honestly excellent a/n are a perfect edditon except im losing my ability to type and spell we at 3k words BRUH LMOAAOAOA i love us ok bye

dun dun dun dun (tear in my heart). LMAO listening to it oh good u start bruh its ur hosue

setting: jacob’s den thing, also we need to have my immortal descriptions

J: so make yourself at home i guess…..

e: *carrying black bag with mcr pins on it , looks around in disgust* ….. u live like this?

J: yeah man sorry im not rich like you are

e: *is definitely thinking something offensive towards native people but disguised as against werewolves as stephanie meyer always does* ok…. so where am i sleeping..

a/n HUIHBUFOEWGEUI did i lie absolutely not

J;well like……...theres only one bed…

e: *mutters* could this get any more cliche. *notmutter* k. well im definitely not sleeping next to you. mind if i amazon prime a (whatever those fake small bed things are called)

J: if you want but theres not much room,,,,whatever,,,,,,*is disappointed*

e: *ignores jacob, typing on his phone to order the thing*

(Now Jacob’s family comes in I forgot their names but they’re here) billy is dad i think

J: oh hey guys this is edward he has to stay for a bit

Billy: *smells his ugly vampire smell* did you bring one of them….into my home????

edward: *visibly uncomfortable and surrounded by the werewolves, whispers to jacob* what the fuck… i didn’t know your whole pack was gonna be here…

J: *whispers back* this is our headquarters man….i didnt think theyd be so early thought *soeaks to fam* im sorry but a lot has happened….its necessary

a/n: k so im billy now? If u want

billy: *stares at edward for a while, assessing him.*

edward: …

billy: *sniffs him, then decides its ok* well then. if you say so jakey boy *claps edward on the shoulder* no biting ok?

edward: .

J: haha yeah….so were gonna go to my room now…..come on lets go

e: *glad to leave* yeah lets go right now

(The fam watches them go and its so awkward)

(in jacobs room)

J: so that was terrible but we’ll just stay up here as much as possible so that doesnt happen again

e: ugh that was so embarrassing… that was like when i introduced my ex gf to my family…. *realizes what he said* EW , not that WE are like that cus ewww gross *slaps jacob out of embarrassment*

a/n HAHAHAHAHA

J: *uncomfortable bc was slapped but also jealous of ex and sad ed don't like him like that* no man i get it….it happens all the time...cuz i bring so many chicks back here...not that we’re like that…..

e: yeah, obviously. *hand twitches in urge to slap him, but stops himself…. is upset because jacob brings back so many bitches and is jealous. so he goes to face the wall in anger* i need to ….. do./.. my chemistry homework

J: yeah whatever...i gotta do stuff too,,,,,im really busy….*looks down*

e: *is doing the chemistry homework standing up and super fast cus he’s been to high school for over 100 years, mutters* this is so easy ugh

J: why are you even in school anyways like you could be anywhere why do you want to learn the same shit over and over again

e: ………..Well if you woudl really like to know, it’s not the same thing over and over again. the school system has changed a lot since 1918 so it is actually pretty refreshing. i also like seeing how the trends change but are basically the same so yeah i do enjoy going to school, i don’t wanna work everyday because that’s different everyday plus school is easy for me and i get so many bitches cus im sexy.

J: yeah thats cool i guess *mad bc he gets so man bitches* but like if you get so many bitches...where are they???? Why do you hangout with me all the time???

e: *slaps jacob* BECAUSE IF WE ARENT CLOSE TOGETHER WE WILL FUCKING DIE DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THE CURSE OR SOMETHING

J: THE CURSE DOESN’T STOP YOU FROM HAVING BITCHES THO…..ITS ALMOST LIKE UR A FUCKING LIAR

e: *gasps, backhand slap now* OF COURSE I HAVE BITCHES. DID YOU FORGET I CAN READ MINDS. EVEN TEACHERS WANT ME. AND I KNOW THAT YOU DID TOO, AT one ponitn… .gerkgorjgopjfpwjgwprjgpwojgwo *slaps jacob again so he can’t see that edward is blushing*

J: yeah i did like you…….*turns away so edward doesnt see him cry*

e: *not even looking in his direction cause he’s embarrassed* um. ….. *stomach growl*.... oh….

J: oh do you need some fucking blood or something

e: *disgusted that he is being perceived* ugh. im a vegetarian, so i need to…. go hunting… probably

(but they on sacred land or smthn)

J: first of all thats not what vegetarian means idiot and second of all you cant fucking hunt here its sacred and so are all the animals that live here….so now what???

e: *rolls eyes and is for sure thinking racist things* ugh. lemme call alice maybe she can bring me some stored blood… *calls but there’s no service* what the FUCK…. i hate this place… lemme amazon prime some blood…

J: oh sorry you cant ubereats your fucking blood...and youre so addicted to your phone...maybe try living in the moment lke the rest of the world

e: *zones out for a second at the mention of ike aka the character someone in kelvin yo’s story plays in super smash bros, then jolts back to reality* i am living in the moment. you know whats happening in this moment? im fucking hungry bruh and i need blood. so u better get me some before i fucking start feeding and then ur dads gonna be mad

J: you. Cant. feed. Here. why is that so hard to understand….lets just fucking leave and you can go hunt or whatever

e: *eyes flash with anger and turn whatever the colour is when they are hungry* im. hungry. NOW. *starts doing whatever hungry vampires do like intense breathing*

J: dude…..calm down….*nervous*....we’ll get you some blood or whatever *backs into a wall*

e: don’t tell me to fucking calm down *supa hungry rn, then attacks jacob by slamming him OUT of the wall, yeah u read that right, the wall is broken now how sad* GIMME BLOODDDDDD *edward tries to bite jacob*

J: BRUH U BROKE MY FUKING HOUSE…..AND I DON'T HAVE BLOOD IM A FUCKING VAMPIRE TOO REMEBER??????? I CANT HELP U

e: *too hangry to hear him, bites into jacob’s neck with his fangs. out of his neck comes this disgusting sloshy black thing cus he no have blood* UGH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS YOU TASTE DISGUSTING *spits it out onto the grass, then sees its black and calms down* waht the fuck………… *looks at broken wlal* huh….

J: oh are you back now???? Yeah i don't have fucking blood and you tried to kill me and my house….what the fuck man it always comes down to you killing me….i don't think i can do this anymore……

e: …….look. it’s not my fault. honestly you’re exaggerating things. i was hungry. i can’t help it and you should have known better than to be around me. and im still hungry. so.

J: wow so we’re victim blaming now????? No man i said i cant do this…..you never think about me

e: *rolls eyes uncomfortably, then notices jacob’s neck is still bleeding* well. im not. victim blaming. but. you’re still. bleeding. so my vampircal saliva is actually. healing . u.m . proertries. so umeme asmdaosmdsomaodmw. let. me . help . uoi. iok omo kok

a/n you ok man? i told u im losing brain cels

J: how can i trust you????? Everytime i trust you i die…….

e: *rolls eyes and then puts his hand on jacob’s face (like his face not the side of it)* just let . me . do my. fucking job *licks him*

J: *flinches but gives in* youre so fucking gay...if you wanted to makeout you could have jjust said so...i would have said no tho

e: *slams jacob’s head into the ground so powerfully that there is a jacob shaped crater in the ground* IM FUCKING HEALING YOU. *the bite mark has healed, slams jacob into the ground again* YOU STUPID FUCK IM NOT GAY

J: *dies*

e: *mad, spits on the ground next to jacob* i know ur not fucking dead. ur a vampire and a werewolf for fucks sake. get up.

J: *still dead*

e: you can’t just use the dead card everytime u want me to be nice to you. cause i wont. i literally wont.

J: *just a fucking corpse*

e: *stares at his dead body for a bit.* jacob. get the fuck up.

J: *not alive*

e: *hears billy’s wheelchair coming up* spotlight monolgoeu: well fuck. i can’t let him see i just killed his son for the third time. fuckfuckfuck what can i do i don’t have time to hide the body so… so ….. ok well hes a corpse and im a corpse too so this won’t be that weird

BREAKOUT ROOM ENDNEDINDENIEI TO BE CONTINUED YEAH RIGHTAHHAHAHHA JUST GETTING TO THE GOOD PART HOW EXCITING FOR TOMROW YES I CANNOT WAIT

*continuing edward monologue*

e: yeah … its totally not weird…. its cause i because because because because because because because because i need a cover thats why im doing totally not gay *kisses jacob*

(billy comes out from behind the house)

J: *obviously wasnt dead, wakes up, kisses edward back* oh hey dad

Billy: *supportive of his gay son* hey i thought i heard a fight *looks up* what the fuck happened to the wall

e: *sees jacob isn’t dead anymore, thinks that his kiss brought him back to life like in snow white, shocked* …….hhhh…….. wall?

J: sorry i don't know how that happened shits crazy ya know

Billy: *nods wisely* i do know…...well you boys have fun *leaves*

e: *stares at jacob in shock* …..do you….. remember… what happened before u died?

J: *does but wants to fuck with edward* wh….what? i…...i...d..died??????

e: *rolls eyes* yeah u fucking did. i brought u back though.

J: how…..???

e: ugh *hits him* obviously i just bit you to … bring u back.. to life….

J: so im already a vampire…...but now youve made me a double vampire??? Or does it cancel out and im human????

e: i dont fucking know. i— *remembers the curse and hopes jacob does not bring it up because the curse should double since jacob is double vampire* but don’t worry about the curse. obviosuyl .

J: oh does it double now that im a double vampire???

e: NO. and anyways. im still fucking hungry. so. be a good host and get me some mf food

J: yeah just let me check my fridge for some fucking blood…...idiot…..lets go somewhere so u can be a fake vegetarian

e: hmph. well let’s see if u can keep up. *runs away at vampire speed into the woods*

J: *turns into wolf and uses wolf and vampire speed and follows* awoooooooo

(the curse not acting up meaning theyre within 20m of each other)

e: *looks behind and sees jacob can keep up* slowpoke

ROB ENTERED MY CHAT YA SAME LOL ANYWAYS

J: who tf u callin slow *runs so fast that he almost next to edward*

e: *getting tired cus he is low on blood therefore energy* grrrrrrr

J: look we’re off sacred ground now go catch a deer or something

e: . im tired. u get something for me.

J: so now im ur personal chef?????? No get ur own shit

e: ive killed u three times already. dont make it a fourth.

J: *mumbles* whatever *leaves and smirks knowing he only actually died once* *gets a fucking deer or some

BREAKOUT ENDED????????? Ing WTF WHY WHO CARES LETS CONTINUE BRUH WHAT IS GOING ON DID U HEAR ERIC AND TINA THAT WAS SO AWKWARD I HATE THIS CLASS SO MUCH LILY LTIERALY WHAT BURH i do npt ccare at all

k anyways continue

J; here take this eat up

a/n: god i forgot how fucking ugky tina’s voice is fucking right

e: *bites into the deer, drinking the blood and makes direct eye contact w jacob* nomnomnom

J: feel better now?

e: *disgusted and spits blood at jacob’s feet* nomnomnomnom

J: *looks away cuz this is gross* the shit i do for u……

e: *slurps disgustingly* nomnomnom nom nOMnomON griwjodk

a/n wait lets hope we together obviously no omfg these bitches are talking im not speaking to u im puttig yall on mute good

J: *vomits cuz the noises r gross* could u be a little more quiet?????

e: *puts down the deer* dont fucking vomit in front of me and my food

J: your food is so much more disgusting than my vomit

e: then don’t look at me. *keeps drinking*

J: *rolls eyes*......

e: nomnomnomnom… *puts down again* i said dont fucking look at me.

J: *says nothing but keeps looking*

e: *slurp* u want some then?

J: absolutely not

e: *rolls eyes* i know ur a carnivore, come here

J: nah i don't want that shit youve fuccking destroyed it its disgusting

e: *the deer isnt destroyed like literally one puncture, but edward gets mad at the accusation, so he rips off the backlegs of the deer* i know u want some *throws the legs at jacob*

(catch it with ur mouth PLS Like a wolf)

a/n LMAO like throw drink but then u swallow it all dark blue hell post YES

J: *catches it with his mouth perfectly while making intense eye contact* …..

e: fucking mutt…. *goes back to drinking the blood* nomnomnomnomnom

J: *eats deer leg like it chicken wing* this shit isnt even good….

e: ur the one who hunted it.

J: whatever tommorow we going to mcdicks

e: what the fucks a mcdicks

J: bro…….youve never had a shit burger……..

e: why would i eat shit … in a burger…

J: of course your small mind could never understand….ugh

e: *spits blood in a perfect arch that lands right on jacobs shirt* dont call me small minded ever again

J: dude what the fuck…..and ill call u what i want

e: *finished drinking* no the fuck u won’t. *gestures to deer* u gonna eat my leftovers or what

J: i will not...and what the fuck r u gonna do about it???

e: do about what

J: me calling you small minded idiot

e: *slaps him* shut the fuck up

J: *turns the tables and slaps edward* it doesnt feel so good huh???

a’=./n: HAHAHAHHA

e: *holds his face in shock* WHHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT????????????? MY VAMPIRE HAND DOESNT HURT AS MUCH U FUCKING IDIOT

J: yeah ok but i slapped you once and youve slapped me at least a billion times so it adds up….funny how you can give it but not take it….weak…

e: *thinks about how he could say a few things about that last phrase but doesn’t* i’ve literally killed u so many fucking times *raises fist* i will do it again…..

J: *steps closer* do it then

e: why… the fuck … do you ALWAYS provoke me… kNOWING you will die? *pushes him back*

J: because i know you need an excuse to make out with me every once and awhile *smirks*

e: *gasp* WHAT THE FUFK? HOW DID U KNOW THAT *HITS HIM IN THE FACE*

J: bro you didnt think i was actually dead did you…...i thought you would have known better by now *still smirking*

e: *speechless and wishes he could use his mindpowers on jacob but it doesnt work* ………..

J: yeah so maybe you should try being nicer

e: absolutely not. once this month is over im moving to korea

BREAKOUT ROMM ENDINGNOOOOOOOO AKWAYDS WHEN IT GETS GOOD I KNOW RIGHT UGH ITS OK BUT YEAH THERE NEEDS TO BE AN EMOTIAONL CONNECTION SOON BEFOREMARRIAGE OH OF COURSE I CANT WAIT WE WILL WORK MORE TMRW NO SATUDAY MONDAY WOOOOWOOOO I THINK WE SHOULD MAKE A FILM OF THIS YESSSSSSS MONDAY OK HAHAHA

e: *continued* and im never speaking to u again.

J: yeah right you always say that shit…..but then you come crawling back

e: *rolls eyes* i’ve literally never done that. ur schizophrenia’s acting up because weve never had any fucking relationship before this……. i DONT LIKE YOU

J: uh huh but you always bring me back to life and make out with my corpse so what does that mean???

e: first of all, WE ARE BOTH CORPSES. so its not weird. second, i dont wanna get in trouble for killing a werewolf. so thats that. *turns away and starts walking back to the house but its the wrong direction*

J: yeah thats a likely story…….you know thats not the way home right…*smirks*

e: obviously ….. i was tricking u….. *goes the other way*

J: *rolls eyes and still smirks* so what do you wanna do when we get home

e: nothing *hes still going the wrong way but this time a different wrong*

J: well whatever….how long are you planning on going the wrong way before you ask me for help?

e: buddy.. this is the right way *shows map on phone*

(............ how can this be??????? ARE THEY IN a diffeernte realm)

a/n LMSOAAIOOAAO faerie realm

J: no i swear……..it……*turns in a circle confused* we definitely came from………

e: so what the fucks going on? is this one of ur stupid pranks bc ur native or whatever

J: can you stop being racist for two seconds this is weird….whatever maybe i messed up….lets just follow your phone…

(they follow the directions on the phone but they find that theyre just going in circles eneding up back to the dead dear…. a strange mist is rising*

e: uh…………….. what the fucks going on……….

J: uhhhhhh…….this has never happened before…...what the fuck do we do,....

e: wait. do u hear that……..

(from in the mist they hear something coming……………. its this really hot woman coming out, her name……. bella swan)

bella: …… *in sexy voice* hello boys

a/n GYDSUFGEYORGFBOREW

J: uh…..who the fuck are you….

b: *tosses her head back and laughs, long luscious dark locks of dark of hair of brown falling behind her, then opens her blue? brown? idk her orb colour and stares at them…. she notices edward’s extremely strong gay aura so doesnt go to him. looks at jacob* im bella. bella swan…. youre in my swamp….

J: ok…...but we’re lost...so could you help us out….?

e: *uncomfotable.*

bela: hahhahahah… of course…. *walks up to jacob and touches his face* but the thing is….. humans who come into my territory….. must …… how tf do i say this….. they need to gift me something…. or else u are cursed to work as my servant forever.

J: well we’re not human...hes a vampire and im half werewolf half double vampire…..so that wont apply to us right??

b: *gasps*..... HAHAHAHAHAHHA…… you truly don’t know who i am? bella swan (shes part swan ig) collects HALF WEREWOLF HALF DOUBLE VAMPIRE boys……. jacob….. *licks lips* you will be my prize

e: hhhhhhhhhh

J: so like….if i fuck you….can you tell us how to get home??

bella: *slaps him across the face in the same way that edward does* FUCK ME? hahahahha you’re fucking stupid. i knew it. all of u are. i don’t want u like that buddy, i need to use ur dna to make skins. *grabs him and tries to bring him into the mist*

e: wait…. u can’t

bella: y?

e: um……. bc….

J: *is kind of turned on bc bella slapped him like edward and pavlovs dogs ya know* ……….

e: *was about to say to bella that she cant take jacob, but then realizes he has no say in what jacob can or can’t do…. plus… jacob looks really happy with bella….. but still…. he can’t just let jacob get fucking killed again… even if he’s into it* um. bella. maybe? um u could take me as well?

b: no ur fucking gay i don’t want u. jacob wants to come w me , right jakey? (how does she know his name?)

J: *dream like* yeah…….wait…...did i tell you my name?

bella: *eyes widening in delight* NOOOOOO YOU DIDNT!!!!! LUCKY GUESS!!!!! NOW THAT I KNOW UR NAME……. *turns to edward* u know what happens when fairies know ur name right? *smirks* e

e: *also kind of into that smirk bc pavlovian response* wait… no… JACOB U IDIOT

bella: i feel some homosexual tension between yall …. how about this *curses jacob so that he is like idk evil and will kill edward so then bella wont have to fight him and then can kill jacob le8ter*

J: *eyes rolll back into head like tik tok boy* *lunges at edward* ……

(famous last words by mcr starts playing straight from bella’s mouth for some background music) a/n YESSSSSS

e: *dodges jacob* JACOB. STOP SNAP OUT OF IT

J: …………*jumps at edward again*

e: *barely dodges his snapping jaws*

(in the background …….but can I SPEAK is it hard understanding…….. im incompletel)

e: BNELLA STOP PLEASEEEE

J: *keeps jumping at edward with impossible amounts of force and energy* ……

(a love that’s so demanding…………. IEIODAIOJEWIOADJIOA WHWYY cann ii get WEAKK!!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OFtikwpoerkwopk)

e: *doesn’t want to use force to stop jaconn, but he’s forced to* jacob *does the thing whjere girls try to stop the guy from fighting* jacob its me! stop!!!!!!!!

bella: omg so cringe stop pls

J: *stops for a second but then goes back to fighting* ……

(awake and unafraid asleep)

e: *gets scratched by his werewolf claws, stares at the blood then gets mad* JACOB U STUPID FUCKING MUTT LOOK WHAT U DID TO MY PERFECT SKIN *restrains him with both arms*

J: *when yelled at fully stops but then shakes head and goes back to rage* …..

b: *notices that jacob stopped* omg… wtf *curses him stronger*

e: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

(the song is now… hmmm….. u decide… nanananananaanana LOL ok)

J: *goes at edward so hard knocks him over*........

e: hmmmm,...... jacob i don’t wanna fight u STOP

(na na na na so many security sto every enemy)

J: *stops for half a second blink and youll miss it but then goes back with even more anger*..

e: *thinking: wtf i do’? i cant fight bella to stop him cus then itll be 2 v 1 ./../….///.. .wait…. * *remmebres jacob;’s expression when bella slapped him,..... what if i…. what if* (jacob comes at him again but edward waits UNTIL he is close enough adn then slaps him across the face extremely hard that like he slams into a tree behind him* U STUPID FUCKING DOG

j: *slides down tree and colapses on the ground….almost unconsiodusio* …….e…..edward….

(na na na is over and fades slowly bc bella closes her mouth)

b: waht the fucking fukc did u fucking do u stupid sparkly gay boy????///// THAT WAS MY NEXT SKIN

e: *ignores her and goes to jacob* jacob…… r u ok…

J: *opens eyes slowly* ye….yeah…..i *inhales sharply bc pain or smth* im good…..

e: *checks him for wounds*

bella: *comes up behind edward and grabs him by the head then yeets him backwards* I SAID THATS MY SKIN STAY AWAY FROM him

J: EDWARD *tries to get up to fight her but stumbles*

b: stay down. that’s an order u dog

e: *comes back running* NYAHHHHHHHH

(bela and edward engage in a super epic battle u can imagine it however u want ok…..)

J: ………..

(they r far away enough that jacob can’t hear them….)

b: bro why r u fighting so hard to save ur friend or is that even a friend

e: *blushes* bro not right now

b: no seriously

e: …..

b: *thinking oh….* ew so yall r like that?

e: ….

b: *sigh* fine… u can have him… but under one condition

(what is this condition lemme think)

b: welcome to paradise…. dun dun dun dundu ndund a gunshot rings at the station………… ok i found it: u owe me ur firstborn child

e: ok (?)

(that’s how bella gets renesmee u decide how that happens)

e: *goes back to jacob* helo

J: are you ok…….what went down??????

e: nothing we totally didnt like f u ck or anything wtf why would u even ask that

J: *thinks wtf did they fuck….get kinda jealoudssss* oh…...so can we leave??

(the mist rises)

e: ok…. can you even walk?

J: yeah im fine *tries to stand but winces and leans against tree*

e: *is worried, but rolls eyes anyway* le,me call an uber

BREKAOUT ROOOM OVER NONOOOOOOOO ITS OK WE FINISHED THIS ARC TODAY WAS SO GOOD ABSOLUTELY BRILLAITN AS USUAL WE ARE AT 840 PERIODS LMAOAAAOOOO GOOD UGH HOW AMAZING IM EXCITED TO REREAD IT TOMOROW YESSS ME FUCKING TOO GAHAHAH

a/n Are they waiting for the uber or at home alreafy? first of all, use a/n, second up to u

(jacobs room)

J: ok im fine stop worrying

(the whole werewolf clan is surrounding jacob who is lying on his bed, edward is standing facing the corner awkwardly and covering his nose)

biylly: No son. you were attacked by some fucking fairyand i dont mean him *points to edward* like this is serious shit…. we should call a doctor… but who….

e: *quietly*……. i know… a doctor

a/n laksaodjjefiureyueryhu

J: who…….

e: *turns to face the gang, wich includes seth who i thnk is sexy* um……. carlisle…

J: wait your dad….leader of your incest clan….went to med school???

e: *hand twitches wanting to slap him, but can’t do so in front of his family, so restrains himself* ahem. yes. and we’re not an incest clan.

Billy: i aint bringing you to no vampire doctor we have to find someone else

J: no…..its ok…..i don't even need a doctor….

seth: *is a niner* dude… ur not even okl…. (what were his injuries again?) ur like body is like broken in multiple places…. but. *glares at edward* we can’t have more of Them in here……

e: *rolls eyes at seth* so what the fuck do u propose we do huh niner

seth: ……………… well if u really wanna know, i took grade 9 biology and also first aid….. i’m basically a doctor

a/n i really forget what happened to jacob but lets pretend hes basically dying (when isnt he)

J: uh no thanks seth…..really guys im ok….ive had worse….at least im alive…….

e: *still wants to slap him so bad but cant so instead slaps himself*

billy: wtf… *back to jacob* listen son. ur literally fukcing dying *gets emotional now* ….. we need to do something… *looks at seth* son… *(seth isn’t his son?) will u treat him?

seth: *smirks* ya of course billy…. *turns to jacob* listen ….. we can’t have u dying here…. us alphas need to look out for each other.

J; uhhhhhhhhh well like im kind of more beta…….but…...are you sure you know what youre doing????

billy: JACOB (does he have a middle name) BLACK NEVER CALL URSELF A BETA EVER A FUCKING GAIN THE BLAHJBLAHBLAH TRIBE HAS BLAHDDBASBDOISDHIAOSJDIASJAJ …..

seth: yea h jacob ur definitely an a**a wtf ok . so first i need to see ur injuries…. where r u hurt?

J: basically everywhere…..she kind of fucked me up….but its cool

e: *still doesn’t know what to do so goes back to facing the wall*

seth: okay well… im gonna need u to like… ahem…. u know…. .disrobe…

J: oh...yeahok….*glances at edward who is still facing the wall**starts to take off shirt revealing 12 pack abs*

a;/n: lMFAO

(collective gasp as they see jacob’s injuries)

e: *begins slamming his head into the wall*

billy: oh my god son. …… this is horrible

seth: alright uhhhhhhhh *is overwhelmed* um …. ,... well u have… um …. ur bleeding… and ur ribs are briken… so i gusss…… polysporin? edward can u pass it to me

e: *still staring at the wall* no

J: dude why are you always so difficult….plus after seth heals me hes gonna have to check you for a concussionos…..wtf r u doing????

e: *rolls eyes and turns around, but hes hit his head on the wall so hard that blood is dripping from his head into his eyes, blinding him (da blood from da dear ofc* he doesn’t need to fucking heal me. and i’ll get the polysporin. where is it?

J: in the bathroom i think…...down the hall to the left…

e: *goes to get it, blindly obviously and yeah he got it* *hands the polysporin to who he thinks is seth but he can’t actually see who he’s handing it to*

J: man are you ok??? Like maybe sit down for a bit…...thats not seth thats my dad

e: *angirly moves so hes handing it to seth, but in the process slaps seth in the face maybe not so accidentlly*

s: OH my fucking GOd *mutters* i fucking hate vampires stupid fucks *begins putting polysporin on jacob*

J: uhhhhh is this gonna work…..like my ribs are broken...maybe we should call edwards dad….*looks down knowing they gonna be mad at the idea*

e: *has reverted to sitting in the corner staring at the wall blindly so not actually staring ig*

billy: shut the fuck up jacob. seth is doing an awesome job. looks better already kid

seth: *smirks, looking in edward’s direction* yeah im doing awesome

J: but like…….whatever….if youre done leave edward and i alone for a second…

seth: *finishes bandagnig jacob up* ok. .. but if u need anything… .anythng,... just call ok buddy?

billy: *leaves*

J: so i think i need a real doctor now

s: no u don’t im all u need *leaves*

J: i definitely need a real doctor now…..can you call your dad?

e: he’s not my dad…. and i cant.

J: bruh why not u said u would earlier

e: *can’t really remember due to insane brain damage* uh…… well he’s in italy now. so . ……….. i mean… yeah.

J: dude come here let me see your head

e: no

J: not in a gay way in a im actually worried about your health way

e: *doesn’t actually know where he is in the room bc he refuses to wipe the blood from his eyes* um………………. fine….. *starts walking then trips on jacob’s textbook* wtf….

J: come here sit down *reaches over and grabs his arm guiding him to the bed* here dumbass *wipes blood away from his eyes* does it hurt really bad??

e: *flatly* im a vampire . nothing hurts me. *looks at his bandagings * what the fuck did he do. *rolls eyes* this is unacceptable… *under his breath* stupid dumb fucking niner idiot who fcuckgirn ais trying to one up me i kwjeoijfdoijdeow grrr

J: sorry i didnt hear that last part whats up?

e: oh my god just stfu and *tyler tehecreator voice* elt me do what i need to fucking do *violently rips his bandages off* lemme do it properly because carlisle is in….. china… like i siad

J: uh you said he was in like france or something...also this fucking hurts can you stop being so angry???

e: *no reply. begins piecing his ribs back together w surgical tools he pulled from his pocket* dont move

J: yeah whatever…...why do you have all this shit….nerd…

e: *bc jacob’s ribs were literally sepeareted from what is it called in the centre of the ribs forgot, but his heart is exposed* stfu…. why is ur heart still beating……. *grabs his beating heart*

J: bro what the fuck….don't do that whats wrong with you….maybe bc im still half werewolf???? idk…

e: *eyes change colour….. he goes very still*

(they are both covered in jacob;s blood)

J: uhhhhhhhh edward…..youre scaring me man…...maybe you should go...or just say something please…

e: * eyes r still that whatever colour, but goes back to work silently, and releases the heart* ………………………….. *finishes and starts sewing the skin back up, then looks jacob in the eyes* u rlly should stop begging me bruh,........ it onlymakes me hungrier

J: oh uuhhhhhh sorry????

e: *bandages are finished, assess his work….* ugh finally ur better…… *slaps him* ive been waiting to do that

J: dude wtf…..why are you like this

e: ………….. well i need to do my english project if u don’t mind *goes to face the wall and closes his eyes*..... ……… …

J: you know you can like sit down right…..you don't have to stand t=in the corner

e: *sighs audibly then moves backwards with his eyes still closed and sits on the corner of jacob’s bed but he’s basically just hovering over it*

J: youre so fucking dramatic….youre stuck with me for like two weeks or something so you should probably get used to being around me

e: *opens his eyes and glares at jacob* it’s one month first of all. and i don’t want to get used to you. you fucking stink and ur covered in blood.

J: *smirks* i thouht you liked blood...and you smell like shit too you know

BREAKOUIT ROROM ENDINGUIRNGTRIGNT NOOOOOOOOOOO FUCK UAK WHATS COMING NEXT EW IT WAS ME AND ROB FOR A SECOND EW OMG BRO WE BE WRITING 1K WORDS PER DAY BRUHHHHH OUR FIUCKING POWER ITS SO AMAZING

e: *smells himself* no i dont’ smell like i shit

J: *smirks* you do to me...ugly vampire smell

e: you really should respect me more…. im the one who fixed ur fucking ribs not like seth who used fucking POLYSPORIN

J: its ok….you don't need to be jealous of seth…..i don't like him like that

e: what the fuck>>??? im not jealous of him i literally never said that…… isn’t he ur fucking brother?

a/n hes not lmao edward doesn tknow that

J: wtf????? U thot he was my brother???? Not all native american werewolves are related asshole

e: yall arent….. then why tf are yall in the same tribe huh riddle me that

J: i……...we….how do you think tribes work?????

e: u tell me

a/n I GOT JUMPSCARED BY ROBS VOICE SO HARD LMAO LOL CAN HE STFU IDC AT ALL ME TOO YALL SHUT UP i straight up dont care this sucksnot interested in yalls feedback for us stfu with the “no one is left out” GUESS WHAT U WILL BE LEFT OUT IN LIFE THATS HOW IT IS ESPECIALLY IF UR FUCKING UGLY LIKE SOME OF YALL stfu with math bulshit 6 is divided by 4 simply will it to be TINA STFU LOL YES HAHAHA we will excluse ourselves “andie doesnt count” how dare u sigh there is no feedback they could possibly give us LMAO RIGHT ugh fuck this and i don't need yall yall can be a group if u wanna we always do anyways yall back to work stfu

J: we….just like hangout…...we aren’t related…….at all……

e: ……….oh……………………………………. well i had no idea thats how tribes work

J: you could have just asked…..

e: *doesn’t reply and goes back to work on his english project*

J: *rolls eyes* youre so fucking lame can u not be a nerd for 5 minutes???

e: *throws pencil like a dart and it sticks in jacobs forehead* LITERALLY WTF DO U WANT ME TO DO HUH. I DONT WANNA FUCKING BE HERE. BUT WE CANT GO OUTSIDE CUS ITS NIGHT (flashbacK: andrew’s curfew for who fucking knows why)

J: *dies*

e: *rolls eyes* i literally know ur not dead cus the curse is still on

J: *still dead*

e: *sighs* ……. * thinks about fall out boy specifically how whats his name never eununciates anything* helloooooooooooooo wake tf up ugly

J: *dead*

e: this aint a scene its a godamn ahms rahce , like why does he say it like that

J: idk man but its a banger tho

e: disagree its so fcuking annoinyg. ahms rahce ahms ahms and like when he says down he doesnt even say down its like dawhhhh

J: i mean yeah but its a classic….and his voice….iconic….

e: *shrugs* yeah ur right…. you know………………. back in the 60s i used to be in a band…

J: oh shit deadasss? Were yall any good????

e: *slaps his uninjured leg* obvioisl;y we were fucking good…. we were really popular too…. *sigh* i had so many bitches

J: *mad kind of bc bitches* well if u were so popular would i know any of your songs??? What was the band called???

e: ……….well ….. *pulls out guitar and drum kit and like every instrument and begins playing them* it goes alittle like this….. here comes the sun dododododood here comes the sun … .

a/n IM CRYING

J: wtf that shits sucks….ive literally never heard that before

e: *rolls eyes* obviously it sucks now , but back in the segragation days,,,,,,, this shit was spectuacualr.. ….. and btw, this is the BEATLES … which by the way,,,,,, i was in

J: wtf i have never heard of yall….u named ur band after a bug thats so weird…..ur shit is trash man

e: *slaps him but this time on the face* shtut he fuck up and stop talking shit about my band… ive literally never seen u do anything of worth in ur what…. how fucking old are u,.... like 16 years of life

J: i get so many bitches u would not believe

e: *rolsl eyes* LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL……. u know i can read everyone’s minds right? everyone and i mean everyone wants me at school….. like no one is thinking about u

J: *angry* maybe thats true but they only want u bc they think ur hot….if they actually got to know u no one and i mean no one would ever even look at you….youre disgusting and terrible and honestly not even that hot up close

e: *rolls eyes* listen old sport =..... when ur my age…. and also immortal… and sexy….. relationships with humans dont fucking matter. i dont need them to like me, cus guess what ? they re gonna fucking die anyways or ill proabbly eat them… they just need to think im hot. and by the way, i am fucking hot up close….. *tilts his head to remind jacob of their first talking or whatever encounter at edward’s house…….*

J: *angerily silent*.......

e: *starts laughing* like…….. i didnt even do anything and u were like….. .ahahahhahahahahhahahah

J; *still silent* …………………….

(momentarily silence, until edward notices his hands are still really bloody… )

e: *to himself* ugh…. this is gross……. *starts licking the blood off his hands* mmmmm

J: *makes disgusted face but still doesnt say anything*........

e: *finishes cleaning his hands and wipes it on jacob’s sheets* hmmm….. *checks phone* holy shit my amazon order is here…..

J: *mumbles* go get it then……

e: *goes to the downstairs or whatever and it should be ok bc its within like 20m but as soon as he gets to jacob’s door they both feel intense pain* wtf……… im not….. even…… 20m…. away …. from u ….

J: …...stupid….double….vampire...shit…..

e: ….. *comes closer to esase the pain* ugh…. im so…. fukcing… mad… u sfuckign idit…… *punches hole in jacob’s wall.* …. ok u need to come with me downstairs so i can get my package

J: i literally cant fucking walk selfish idiot

e: grrr.r…… i need…. my mf.../.. amazon prime bed thing……… fine…. *throws jacob over his shoulder* u dont need to walk

J: ahhhh wtf...ur so fucking weird...this is gay man

e: its literally not so stfu *goes downstairs to get his package*

(billy and other wolf members: :|

J: what the fuck is wrong with u u could have gotten someone to bring it p for u wtf

e: *rolls eyes and bends to get the package* …. i have amazon prime^2,,,,,, the package will explode if it doesnt recognize my fingerprint *scans his fingerprint* and my eyeball *scans eyeball and gets package to go upstairs*

J: i hate rich people so fucking much what is wrong with you

e: *throws jacob back onto his bed and rips open the package with his vampire teeth* fuckign finally

J: ok can we get some fucking sleep now???? This day has been way too much

e: *looks him up and down* yeah for u maybe…. vampires dont even need sleep *sets up bed, its literally huge and takes up most of jacobs room*

J: THEN WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED A BED FOR THEN?????????

e: *slaps him* stop fuckign questioning me…. i need it to relax in…. and watch tik toks…

J: what the fuck….you know what i don't care…..good fucking night….

e: *doesn’t reply and gets settled in his huge bed and opens tik tok and watches them at high volume no headphones*

J: BRUH CAN U GET SOME FUCKING HEADPHONES WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU e: *looks up to jacob across the room* i forgot them at home… holdup lkemme amazon prime some new ones

J: bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh just like turn the volume down

e: *exhales through nose at a funny tiktok and doesn’t hear jacob*

J: what. the . fuck. *puts pillow over head and tried to sleep*

e: *is now standing on his bed attempting to learn a tik tok dance but hes super tall so his head keeps slamming against the ceiling* renegade rengage

BREAKOUT ROROMRM ENDEIDN STOP NMITERUPTTING MY FUCKING SETENCE I KNOW LOL DID BUT THATS SO FUCKING FUNNYnegade reennegadge

Sorry bro ok bye

(now is morning)

e: *been watching tik toks all night long*

J: *has not slept at all* bruhhhhhhhhhh

e: *has learned every dance possible, now is 2nd after charli damelio in popularity* stfu im working

J: i cant do this…….we need to figure something else out…….

e: *puts his phone downe for the first time in hours* *sighs* …….. jacob,.... u need to understand this…… *sad music begins to play, lights down, spotlight on edward* *ewdward looks out the window wistfully* im….. im a father now jacob….. i dont have time to “figure things out”...... fatherhood was thrown into my life….

J: wtf…….u r literallykt not in ur childs life at al…...do u even pay child support…..rich bitch…...ur not a father…...u just fucked a girl…….

e: *rolls eyes* first of all, she’s half vamp half faerie like she literally doesnt need money to livem, second that wasn’t just any girl that was bella swan………. i feel terribly guilty jacob,...... i should be in rmeumememeueneneseeeses’s life

J: bruh…...so ur like in love with bella now????? And wtf…….what r u gonna do raise her now???? Nah i don wanna be part of this

e: dude… im not in love with her… it’s just my duty as a father………. And who said ur gonna be a part of this? ……… *thinks* maybe i should get married to her?

J: u literally just said she don't need u so why u acting different???? Also im gonna have to be a part of this bc we cannot be more than 10m apart idiot

e: that’s literally temporary………………………………..

J: oh so ur just gonna wait til this is over….shes gonna hate u

e: *slaps him* u don’t know that…… plus it’ll be a good way to pass a couple centuries…..

J: bro but i DO know that….my mom left us or died or sometihng…..and like….if she came back into my life now….id hate her……

e: yeah but ur a fucking werewofl us vampires and feareires dont think like that….. why are u so against this?

J: honestly do whatever u want……...ill be fine as long as youre away from me……

e: well…….. good… glad we’re on the same page *goes back to his bed to watch tiktoks*

J: *sighs and lies on bed staring at the ceiling* *thinks* this is probably a good thing….edward has brought me nothing but pain….

e: *doesn’t scroll on the tiktok whe’s watching so the sound keeps playing over and over again and hes thinking……: why….. do i feel so guilty? i thought it was about renesueme but…………... *out loud* uh. /…… .were we supposed to um go to mclonad’s or something?

J:.......oh yeah….i guess…..if you wanted to….

e: *suddenly annoyed* it was ur fucking idea to go……….

J: bro whatever chill…..lets go then….

e: ok……. like we dont have to go if u dont want to…. its just u mentioned it…..

J: no like we can go….anythings better than hunting with u….

e: ok but do you want to go or u just saying that cus then its a fucking waste of time

J: OH MY GOD LETS JUST GO

e: *slaps him* dont use that attitude with me ,...... u fucking dog

J: *rolls eyes* what the fuck ever…..ur driving

e: i didn’t bring my car with me stupid…….

J: well what the fuck r we gonna do then?????????

e: …… dont u have a car or smthn……. or we could run there

J: im poor remember????? And im also still injured>>>so like wtf now

e: (flashback: new moon, jacob literally has a motorcycle) …./…. dont u have a motorcycle or a truck helllooooooooo

J: ur so fucking insensitive…….we had to sell those to buy groceries…….fuck you…..

e: *under his breath* i guess no sharing motorcycle drivigng…. *sigh* ok uber eatss?

J: yeah whatever…….oh wait….seth has a motorcycle i think….maybe we could ask to borrow it…..

e: *annnoyed* ew…. i dont wanna use seth’s motorcycle……

J: bruhhhhhhhhh y r u always so fucking difficult

e: im not difficult bruh

J: u fucking r

e: fine. use fuckings seth’s motorycycle from him hes ugly anyway

J: alright sick

#twilight #Edward cullen #Jacob black #Bella swan #fanfiction #gay #lgbt

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