#what does 'alive' even mean anymore. what are the parameters to deciding whether or not your soul still resides within your body
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latenightsundayblues · 9 months ago
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You’re alive!
Barely but yeah
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theoriginalladya · 4 years ago
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Physical Affection #23 for Scott/Kaidan
from this list - “A hug that some might consider ‘too long.”
On AO3 here
Thank you!!!!!  So ... after the WIP I shared earlier today, the prompt you left me seemed to fit right in the next part of the story!  Hope you like it!
~~~
The first thing he notices as consciousness returns is the warmth surrounding his left hand.  His hand isn’t just warm, it’s smothering warm, like it’s wrapped inside of a heated blanket.  The kind that is bone deep.  All inclusive.  The kind that comes from snuggling up next to a lover in bed all night long.
“Welcome back, Kaidan.”
He inhales sharply as the voice penetrates his mind.  It takes a long minute to remember why he should know it.  “SAM?”  His voice is rusty, raspy, and he really could use a glass of water to chase away the dryness.  He blinks a couple of times, cautiously opening his eyes … and realizes he isn’t beneath the bright lights of the medbay but is, in fact somewhere completely different.  Using his right arm, he pushes himself up.  “What … What happened?”  He scans the room, still trying to bring his vision into focus, and his eyes fall to his left … and upon the body propped up against his side, asleep, holding his hand securely and close to his chest.  That’s one thing explained, I guess.  “Scott?”  Still a rough whisper, his voice is barely loud enough to be heard over the hum of equipment.
“You were clinically dead for twenty-two seconds,” SAM explains, interrupting Kaidan’s attempts to wake the younger man.
Clinically dead?  That stops Kaidan for a moment.  He brings his free hand up to his jaw, rubs it experimentally.  Another scan of the room now that his vision is settling reveals that only he and Scott are here.  A shudder passes through his shoulders.  “Where am I?”
“You are aboard the Hyperion, inside SAM Node.”
Scott starts to stir, moving slowly as if made of molasses.  He groans softly, winces at the minimal light, but in the next second his eyes pop open and a soft gasp fills the room.  “Kaidan!” Kneeling on the floor, Scott rubs at his eyes.  “I … I can’t believe you made it.”  His voice is barely an audible whisper and Kaidan struggles to hear the words.
Kaidan nods as he scoots over to the edge of the medical bed, squeezing Scott’s hand while asking, “Where’s the rest of the team? Did they make it?  Where’s Alec?”
Scott jumps to his feet, but immediately winces, clearly regretting the spontaneous action, but once upright, he offers Kaidan a hand.  Scott stands closer than is probably necessary, but in position to catch Kaidan, or at the very least offer a shoulder, if he should start to lose balance. “Dad … didn’t make it,” he says after a minute, averting his gaze.  He distracts himself, and Kaidan for that matter, when he opens his omni-tool to call the others.  When he does look back, Kaidan can see the raw emotion in his blue eyes, and the wall that rises between them.  “Who were you talking to?”
Kaidan blinks.  “I … SAM,” he replies without thinking.  “Who else?”
Scott frowns.  Glancing around the room, he calls out, “SAM?”
“Yes, Ryder?”
“You … okay?  Everything working alright?  I didn’t hear you –.”
“Everything is working within expected parameters.”
Sighing softly, Scott turns back to Kaidan.  “Right.  Sorry, I just …”
This time when Scott starts to look away, Kaidan dips his head just a bit so their eyes don’t disconnect.  “Hey, it’s okay,” he says then clears his throat and tries to smile.  “I’m just … happy to be here, I guess.  I thought for sure –?”
In less than a heartbeat, Kaidan realizes he’s made a mistake.  A big one. Just what that mistake is, however, is difficult to determine at first.  Scott’s eyes flare – a hint of biotic energy perhaps? – and he shoves Kaidan backwards at his shoulder.  “What the hell were you thinking?” he demands angrily, voice rising.  “You … you could have died!”
Kaidan drops to the gurney, too weak at the moment to stay on his feet.  “I did my job, Scott.  You know that.”
“And that’s another thing!  You’re here, in Andromeda, not in the Alliance anymore!” Scott starts pacing around SAM Node, running a hand through his hair in frustration.  “We’ll set that aside for now – file it under the ‘I can’t wait to hear that’ story section.”  Sarcasm doesn’t look good on him, Kaidan thinks.  “Care to tell me just why the hell you would try to sacrifice yourself for –!”
Rolling his eyes, Kaidan reaches out just far enough to snag Scott by his right wrist.  Scott yelps softly in surprise and protest, but Kaidan pulls him over. Okay, so maybe he uses his current state as an advantage, perhaps emphasizing the ‘distress’ side of his current condition a bit more than he should, but it works and Scott, though grumbling, moves over to stand before him, though he resembles a sulking child. Kaidan looks up at him, fighting back the urge to laugh.  “One thing you need to know about me,” he says as he pulls Scott’s other hand over and holds both with his own.  “Just because I’m not Alliance anymore doesn’t change the fact that I take care of the people I work with.  You were down, your equipment beyond repair.  My decision was the right one, like it or not.  You would have suffocated if I didn’t –.”
“But at what cost?”  Scott drops to his knees to bring them eye to eye.  “Look, ever since we arrived in Andromeda, I’ve lost my dad and my twin sister is in a coma because her stasis pod was damaged. That leaves me alone, get it? I never expected to wake up and find you, of all people, here with me, and that’s something I can’t even put into words right now, alright?  But, God, after everything that’s happened, I just … I can’t lose you right out of the gate, too!  Can’t you understand that?”
Scott stops to take a breath, and Kaidan reaches up to run a finger from his left temple down to his jaw.  Light, careful, calming.  It’s enough; Scott gulps once and shuts his mouth.  Once that’s achieved, Kaidan sets both his hands on Scott’s shoulders and leans just close enough to let their foreheads touch.  “I put myself at risk because the way I see it, you are more important to this mission.  To Sara. To the Pathfinder team.  I’m just a last minute add on.  A field medic with biotic talent who knows a thing or two about how to approach life in the galaxy, whichever one it might be.  That’s all.”
Scott snorts softly, dismissive of the answer. “Hardly.”
Kaidan’s lips twitch.  This time, he tugs Scott closer, wrapping his arms around him and hugging him close.  “I don’t expect you to see things the way I do.”
“Good.”
“But I do expect you to let me make the calls I need to make,” he continues.  His arms tighten and after a stubborn minute or two, Scott finally slides his around Kaidan’s waist.  They hold onto one another like that for several moments, savoring the fact they are together, alive and in a new galaxy for a new start.  Spontaneity isn’t something Kaidan has much experience with outside of battlefield adaptations, and deciding to come to Andromeda certainly is the most spontaneous personal choice he has ever made.  He’ll learn to live with whatever consequences that means.
The door on the far side of SAM Node slides open. Neither he nor Scott move for a moment, then another one, and another, until finally the voices of the rest of the Pathfinder team fill the space.  Only then does Kaidan release his hold.  Scott, too, seems to hesitate, eventually pulling back when Lexi walks over and gets right down to business.  
At this point, while paying just enough attention to the doctor’s instructions to seem as if he’s cooperating, Kaidan looks up at the rest of the team and asks, “Can someone please tell me how I went from being clinically dead for twenty-two seconds to,” he gestures at himself, “this?”
Cora steps over beside Scott, resting her hand on his shoulder as she replies, “SAM.”
Kaidan frowns.  “SAM?  What do you mean?”
“Alec initiated a transfer of SAM to you,” she explains.  Scott shudders slightly, but he remains where he is, eyes fully locked onto Kaidan as Cora announces, “You are the new Pathfinder.”
Kaidan chuckles softly and shakes his head. Lexi continues to run her scans despite this.  “That can’t be right.  You were second in command.  I just joined up for –.”
From the moment he and Cora met, there’d always been some sort of connection between them, like they always had known one another event though they’d never met.  Whether it comes from military experience or the biotics or something else entirely, Kaidan isn’t certain, but it resulted in an almost instant friendship.  “The retirement package, yeah I know.”  A smirk forms on her lips and tilts up to one side.  “Welcome to Andromeda, Pathfinder Alenko.  Your condo and sunny beaches are going to have to wait.”
It isn’t the first time Kaidan has ever been left speechless, but it certainly ranks up near the top of the list …
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titan-mom · 4 years ago
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Destiny Fic: Sundown
Better late than never, they say.
Pardon me while I squeeze the last of my Rasputin-centric feels out before Beyond Light.
1400 words with Ana and Auburn. I tagged this “coworkers to friends” on ao3.
-
Auburn wrenches the ancient bunker door open far enough to squeeze her shoulders through. Without Rasputin she has to do it manually, and the hydraulics squeak and protest. Ana frets for a moment, if they can’t close and barricade that again it’s a route for hive or psions- but that doesn’t matter anymore, Rasputin is gone and there is nothing important left for them to find.
Or there might be, there might be. And that’s what she is looking for.
She’s a bit surprised Auburn found her so quickly, but maybe she shouldn’t be. This was where he had taken her after all, his time capsule. Ana was working at the station to the left of Felwinter’s crypt, digging for any backups he may have kept in here. Anything that may have survived the destruction.
“Pyramids are filling the airspace, we gotta go.” Auburn calls across the room, striding down the catwalk. “Those things are scrambling comms and transmat telemetry, but I got my ship tucked up somewhere safe. I’m gonna get you out of here.”
But Ana is rooted to the console, bracing herself for this argument. “Tell Zavala I’m not done yet. I’ll go when I’m ready.”
“Not you too. Ana come home.” There’s a sudden pain in Auburn’s voice she doesn’t understand, but she doesn’t have time to understand. She runs another query through the system, searching for him, for any aspect or fragment she’s missed, anything important.
“You don’t get it.” Ana tries, planting her hands on either side of the console and watching the scan surge through files. “He’s my responsibility, and mine alone. Even Zavala sees that. Just tell him that’s what I’m doing, my responsibility. Dealing with my consequences.”
“Ana, I want to help him too, I swear.” Auburn pleads. “But you’re in danger and I promised myself I’d get you out.”
She snorts in disbelief, and Auburn makes an exasperated noise. Ana looks up as the Titan reaches up and tugs her helmet off. Her brow is pinched in frustration and concern. “Why is it so hard to believe that I care? Not just because Zavala told me to but because I give a shit?”
Ana rocks back from the console, irksome, and turns her attention to this brewing argument. She was trying to avoid this. “Look, whenever we’re on comms, and I’m defending myself against Zavala, I just hear you get quiet. I know we hit it off well, I feel like we could have been friends! And I can tell you’re too nice to chime in and side against me too. I appreciate it, but I wouldn’t like, hold it against you-“
“No!” Auburn blurts. “It’s because I don’t want him to hear me siding with you.”
Ana pauses and chews on that. “With me? But you’re- you know…”
Auburn does a little list of her head, like she suspects where this is going, but is going to make her say it out loud.
“You know.” She says again. “You’re… a Titan.”
“And?”
Ana groans a little in the back of her throat, rocks from her heels to her toes, uncomfortable with acknowledging she’s being unfair. She’s stressed damnit. “Figured you’d be siding with your Commander, no matter what. And… that you’d be kind of stuck up about rules. And maybe think everything I’m doing is too stupid or dangerous. Titan things.”
She snorts. “We’ve got free will you know. That’s not a Hunter exclusive trait.”
Ana winces.
“Trust me, I’ve always sided with you.” Auburn presses again.
“Well you never told me.”
Auburn looks ready to snap back, but closes her mouth and looks away, shuffles a bit to fold her arms around her weapon and recede.  Ana watches her like a raptor, thinking steps ahead. She has to win, she has to buy more time to save Rasputin.
But Auburn sighs, and looks like she’s lost the will to fight already. “Look, we don’t talk a lot, because, well, twelve years ago I opened the Skywatch Array and made a friend.” She looks down at the Ikelos shotgun in her hands, a gift. “Zavala forbade me from contacting him and I listened for a while, but then I started talking to Warsats, and they started talking back, and I- I thought I was special.”
She turns and paces the room, the discomfort of the discussion spurning her into movement. “You know I was awestruck at it. I can still play it out in my mind, the silhouette of that array unfurling against a winter’s sky. It was pivotal. It was my very second day alive, my very first act as a Guardian. Ghost was looking for a comms link to call for a pickup and instead we found array codes and a Warmind. He was basically the first person I made contact with, besides Scout here.”
Ana blinks once, and lifts her chin at that. It occurs to her she’s never heard another Guardian so innocuously call Rasputin a person.
“And then a decade went by and I was following a signal on one of his channels and I got your distress call. He led me to you to help you, all the other Guardians out there and he chose me, but I was just crestfallen because I learned I wasn’t the only one he liked. And you’d been with him much longer. You had more of a connection, you were better friends. You’ve even got that nickname for him.”
Auburn laughs mirthlessly. “But you know, couldn’t blame you, wasn’t like you had ill intent. I just had to get over it. Did my best.”
Ana blinks, trying to follow this rapidly developing new direction. “You’re saying… you’re jealous?”
“Yeah.” She admits, ashamed. “Yeah, I have been, the whole time.”
It dawns on Ana, all their past conversations suddenly make sense. The moments Auburn got abrasive, the moments she was defensive. The pang of jealousy Ana had felt when Rasputin guided Auburn down here, into his deepest vault.
It didn’t have to be like this.
“I’m sorry.” Ana says. “He’s… you know. He didn’t mean to make you feel that way. And I didn’t.”
“I know. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry too.” Auburn replies, genuine and honest. But Ana rocks a little on her toes.
“Actually, I’m going to tell you a secret. You absolutely can’t tell Zavala.” Auburn lifts an eyebrow but nods a little. “It won’t hurt anyone. He just doesn’t know exactly how far I’ve been digging into my past, and he wouldn’t like it. I found logs about me, and Rasputin. I actually… programmed him. I was a linguistic anthropologist for Clovis Bray.”
She gives Auburn an apologetic grin. “I gave him the Shakespeare, the opera, all the music and art. I even tried to teach him how to tell jokes, they were just as bad then as they are now. So, technically, it is my fault. I taught him everything he knows, anything he learned he learned from me, anything he didn’t, well, I failed to teach him.”
“We can debate the moralistic division of Guardian and pre-guardian lives another time.” Auburn offers, with a twinge of humor. And she does have a soft smile, now. “I won’t tell Zavala, pinky swear. That said, I do feel a lot better. How did I think I could compete with his actual mom for role of favorite person in the universe?”
Ana barks a laugh. “I am not his mom. Oh, Traveler, am I his mom?”
Then she remembers the loss filling her gut, and decides that’s a thought for later.
“I have to try a little longer.” She says firmly. “I have most of him, in an engram. But its not much and… I think if I can find anything that will help me put him back together, it’ll be here.”
Auburn strides over, looking over her shoulder. Her own expression has returned to something grim. “Scout and I looked around in here before too. Let us help. Two hours, deal? We grab everything we can, and then we get him out of here.”
Ana takes a steadying breath and nods. “Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Let’s do it.”
She gets a strong Titan shoulder clap in response. “We fly fast enough and we can tell Zavala we only stayed for one.”
Ana grins, despite herself, and moves onto her next search parameter. “Wish we’d been co-conspirators sooner than this.” She admits.
“We were.” Auburn replies, halfway across the room already. “Whether we knew it or not.”
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quirklessnotworthless · 7 years ago
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Deku, the Hero Stalker
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Overview
Name: Izuku Midoriya || Villain Alias: Deku, the Hero Stalker
Quirk: Quirkless
Affiliation: [ verse-dependent ] / Underground Villain
Occupation: Info Broker (incognito) -- sells info on heroes / 1st-year High-Schooler in some other prefecture (public)
Age: currently 16 [ Default ] || 18 [ #v.18yrsold (sub-verse) ]
Height: 5′5.25″ (166 cm) || Blood Type: O
Birthday: July 15th || Zodiac: Cancer
Gender || Pronouns: Male || He/Him/His
Orientation [fanon]: Demiromantic Asexual
Personality: timid, diligent, analytical/strategic, keenly intellectual, insecure, self-loathing, paranoid, reserved, distrustful, asocial, introverted
Tendencies: overthinking, sometimes aloud (aka mutter-storming); being recklessly selfless in risk-taking self-sacrifices; excessive analyzing; prone to depressive episodes & disassociation; not taking breaks
Ailments: Clinical Depression (undiagnosed), Social Anxieties (undiagnosed)
Combat Style: Aiki-Jujitsu (invested) / Aikido (evasive); Krav Maga
Potential Combat Gear: Throwing Knives, Archery, Stun Batons, Poison/Tranquilizers, Grappling Hook, Traps & other useful gadgets/devices for getting away
Abilities Overview: keen observation & analysis, intuition & resourcefulness, high pain tolerance, prowess & physical parameters moderately above average, real-time tactician reflexes, potential spy/scouter
Likes: katsudon (pork cutlet bowls), tinkering with gadgets, programming, gathering data (especially on Quirks)
Interests: Quirks, biology/chemistry, technology/programming/hacking, support gear manufacturing, data/info-gathering, astronomy
The Diverged Backstory
Izuku mainly diverges from the canon story after the Sludge Villain Incident involving Bakugou as a captive --- instead of All Might praising his selfless act, he further scolds him over his reckless behavior, telling him that “having a heart of gold won’t mean anything in this day and age if you don’t have the strength to sustain it.” After weeks and weeks of shutting himself in his room, Deku finally comes to a realization how unfair this world has become thanks to its hero system being structured around Quirks. Hidden potential becomes overlooked. People are discriminated or ridiculed whether they’re Quirkless, bearing a ‘useless’ Quirk, or labeled otherwise. It wasn’t about wanting to become a hero anymore. Quirks are the reason why heroism and villainism have become skewed from their definition. Quirks have become everything.
Wanting to prove to both All Might and the world that this logic is wrong, Izuku, now taking on the alias of Deku: the Hero Stalker, takes on a personal vow in finding out just what will it take to expose this truth. Perhaps hopefully, he can contribute to the correction of this flawed foundation by taking the dark route... And if anything, Stain the Hero Killer gave him just the right amount of resolve for it.
Notable Canon-Divergent Details on Vil!Deku:
Not wanting to involve his own mother, Deku feigns an acceptance into some high school outside of his home’s prefecture. He’s moved out to live on his own in an apartment, much like canon!Uraraka’s living conditions prior to living in dorms, and made it so that apartment room he rented out was under his father’s name --- someone who isn’t even in Japan anymore as he works overseas (if he even is still alive out there).
Unbeknownst to his family, though, his way of paying rent just so happens to be in the form of shady underworld business as an info broker.
He does go to that school, though, if just to keep up with the guise. Majority of the skill assets he obtained by the time school started, however, are all self-taught.
Deku and Kacchan completely fell out with each other by the time middle school ended.
Deku stopped talking to Kacchan since the Sludge Villain Incident happened.
The talk between Deku and All Might after the incident occurred before Kacchan could catch up to Deku and tell him the usual “I didn’t need saving.” By then, Deku is already shattered (whether Kacchan noticed it or not is up for interpretation).
The remainder of his 3rd year in middle school obviously turned for the worse as he was further bullied and mocked by everyone there thanks to the incident. And because he no longer tries to be mentally resilient, it actually took an effect on him.
Deku has become even more reclusive than how he started out pre-UA status in the manga. He’s also more against physical contact, and will likely retaliate aggressively unless he’s warmed up to an individual enough. Despite straying from the hero’s path, though, Izuku is just the same if not more insecure and reserved.
Deku’s costume is still the same, just more well-equipped proper gears. Inko also made him the tracksuit like in canon, which explains why it still ends up with the ‘ears’. This costume is only used when he’s out on the field in search of heroes and villains to ‘force them to retire’.
Deku does also have an Incognito Attire as well, which is usually used to meet with clients outside of his hideout. Other than that, he can be found in his usual plain T-shirts if not the high school uniform of the school he enrolled himself in.
All of his All Might stuff were sold off. All of it. He’s no longer a fan of All Might.
Deku collects blood samples of every single person he decides to ‘hunt’, just in case it comes in handy for the future.
Deku does not have the same scars as in canon. He does, however, have self-inflicted scars on the wrists.
Fun Facts:
Deku has high interests in not just support gear manufacturing, but also in biology, chemistry, technology and programming.
That said, Villain!Deku’s expertise is in gathering data (especially on Quirks), manufacturing or at least designing support gear, and even so much as being a professional hacker.
Deku learned to make use of combat gear on his own time, and is quite skilled in throwing knives, archery, and using stun batons. It’s mainly because he watched the Avengers, and came to realize there are still ways he can fight in a world of super-abilities with the Black Widow and Hawkeye as a few of his inspirations.
He also delves enough into chemistry to create poisons that simply debilitate enemies, not kill. Many of them just need to be smashed hard enough for the vial to break and turn its contents into a gaseous state, but he does also carry a gun which shoots bullets containing liquid poison and paralyzing bullets.
It’s also because he’s self-taught that he develops high pain tolerance over time.
Despite turning towards villainism, Deku is more aligned as a vigilante due to the fact he continues to bear the same morals and targets both heroes and villains alike. He also prefers not to kill anyone if he can help it unless convinced otherwise.
In the yakuza-affiliated verse, Deku is actually very caring of Eri. It pains him to always see her being used by Chisaki, and does his best to try and make the process easier by volunteering to just do occasional blood draws on her.
By default, Deku prefers to remain incognito and off the battlefields. Depending on the verse and conditions in data-gathering, however, he's willing to step out of the shadows in order to contribute in any way possible. 
Since he’s an underground villain, Deku makes a reliable scouter in investigating hero-populated locations without seeming suspicious.
By default, he looks up to Gentle Criminal.
Deku has never nor ever will give his real name when going underground. He makes sure that his information is well-protected, too.
It’s also because of this that he avoids going to the hospital for injuries inflicted while under the alias Deku. Should he sustain any injuries as a villain, he relies on underworld doctors to patch him back up.
Anytime his mom asks about it, he either says it’s because of bullying or because he ‘happened to come across villains and ended up getting involved’.
Read More on Deku:
Available Verses
Headcanons
Stats
*** In accordance to the BnHA Official Character Book.
Power ✦✧✧✧✧ 1/5 E
Speed ✦✧✧✧✧ 1/5 E
Technique ✦✦✦✦✧ 4/5 B
Intelligence ✦✦✦✦✧ 4/5 B
Cooperativeness ✦✦✦✦✦ 5/5 A
*** Info obtained from BnHA Fan-Wiki ***
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jestbee · 8 years ago
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Trope-A-Dope #3
I wrote this on the train today on my London adventure. I’m not sure exactly what trope this is but it’s a thing that happened when I began typing so now you get to experience it. Enjoy.
Our Version of Normal 1.5k fluff, pining, slow, across the years
AO3 Link
Phil is nine when he realises that normal is a relative term. At first, normal had been comparative, defined only by what other people were, and what he would never be. When he is nine, and he realises his view of the world can be somewhat different from other people’s, he realises that his version of normal, is just that. His own version. Normal becomes something he can define.
Dan is 14 when he gives in to the comparative of normal. He suppresses everything, pushes down each character trait outside the parameters he has set for himself as ‘normal’. For him, normal becomes something other people define, and he strives to achieve.
Phil is 18 when he adapts his concept of normal to include kissing a blonde boy in the quiet of his university library.
Dan is 15 when he doesn’t let his version of normal accept the feeling of butterflies he gets when a boy in his drama class smiles at him. Instead, he pushes that down too.
Phil is 19 when normal includes talking to a camera on the floor of his bedroom.
Dan is 18 when his version of normal shifts to include a pixelated image of a boy he’d allowed himself to follow online. And the butterflies are back, but normal doesn’t seem to care and for the first time, he begins to make his own definition of it.
Phil is 22 when normal shifts again. It now includes a beautiful boy with chocolate eyes who he hugs on a train station platform and tries to stop himself blurring the lines that Dan has set for them. He tries not to push his version of normal on to Dan’s, but somehow they start merging.
Dan is 19 when his previous notion of normal abandons him for good. He’s still not thinking about it too much, still resting on the idea of Law at university because he has no other plans, but finds himself moving to Manchester and closer to the only version of normal he wants to entertain. To huddling close to Phil on a two seater sofa and chiding each other softly, spending more nights in that flat than his own dorm, abandoning homework in favour of enjoying the frisson of trepidation he feels every time Phil stands in his personal space. And Phil’s version of normal includes talking to him about boys and Dan’s includes pretending he isn’t jealous. It still doesn’t include admitting that he knows what Phil is talking about.
Phil is 24 when it seems normal is shifting every day. Watching as it’s no longer his version of normal but theirs . His and the boy he moves in with. Normal is seeing Dan across the breakfast bar, sleep rumpled and soft in the morning light. It’s passing him every day objects, fingers lingering as they exchange hands. One day normal is Dan allowing this, and the next it isn’t. Because now normal includes thousands of people online commenting on it. But normal shifts slowly and Phil just goes with it.
Dan is 21 when he isn’t sure what normal is anymore. Because he’d thought it was the path he’d chosen, had conformed and beaten himself into the shape of a law student. But it isn’t fitting him anymore. Instead what feels most normal, the version that they have now, is filming themselves in their shared space. Smiling softly at Phil in shot and then editing it out. It’s suppressing the emotion on his face at every turn and denying, denying, denying on the internet and to himself that it was ever there in the first place. And he doesn’t want whatever previous version of normal he’d been comfortable with, because the prospect of a different one is bright and beautiful and he knows he needs to find it somehow. He’s fed up with the notion of normal as he understood it when he was young, because the version Phil is sharing with him is so much better. So by the time 21 leaves him, so does his resistance to their own version of normal.
Phil is 25 when normal is a move to London. It doesn’t start normal, and he gets lost almost always and he’s still embroiled in the thrill of a radio show all of their own at christmas, and the huge city filled with possibility stretching out around them but it becomes normal when Dan accepts the joint branding with minimal fuss, stands closer, holds his gaze longer, returns his smiles with an even wider one. And normal begins to change in tiny increments, everyday adding something new, drawing a new line.
Dan is 22 when normal becomes a drunken kiss. Just one at first and then more over time. Eventually only one drink is enough to shift the line sideways, and Dan ducks under the hesitation quickly, marvelling at how he wouldn’t even have considered it even a year ago. But the year is filled with a weekly radio show, building and creating and he marvels at how Phil can juggle that and his mood swings with ease. And normal is how he appreciates his best friend for tolerating him with minimal fuss and the appreciation turns into affection and, he can barely admit to himself, attraction. And eventually, his normal is the constant ache associated with unrequited something. He won’t say love because it feels slippery and far off. But if it’s not love, if love isn’t normal, it’s something very much like it.
Phil is 26 when he gets shocked by the kisses. He hadn’t factored anything like it in to his definition of normal, but he feels lucky and tipsy and alive when it happens for the first time. And every time afterwards it becomes more normal but it hurts a little more that he’s unsure if it’s the alcohol that’s making Dan so willing. But the pain becomes normal, and the hope becomes normal but what doesn’t is Dan letting on whether any of this is his normal too.
Dan is 23 when they get the idea for a book. And he’s shocked that normal could ever encompass this. With every new idea for something to add to this tangible collection of the world they’ve created Dan keeps looking back and comparing normal now to normal back then and wondering how he got here. Where normal includes kisses that don’t have to be drunk, but doesn’t include them happening in public or talking about them afterwards. It includes wandering hands and ever so occasionally, tumbling into sheets with his best friend and finally.making normal the embracing of something he’d kept hidden in himself for so long.
Phil is 27 when he’s finally had enough. Every page of the book they come up with in the early stages is a further explanation of what normal means to them. They get to share it with the world, but how can he do it when he isn’t even sure if what they’re doing even feels normal to both of them. Because they never discuss it. By the time the year is out, Phil decides that enough is enough. And normal involves him confronting Dan about it all.
Dan is nearly 24 when they finally have it out. And stuttered confessions fall from his lips as Phil echoes them back. It’s messy and complicated and they both lament the amount of time they’ve lost, but normal finally means closeness and togetherness and the feeling of inevitability and forever.
Phil is 28 when they discuss the possibility of more. Laying barely touching on a hotel bed in Japan and deciding whether they’ll ever make this version of normal their public version. Not yet, they decide, because they want it only for themselves, just for a little bit longer.
Dan is 25 when he travels the world. Phil at his side never more than an arm’s length away and only then because keeping the secret dictates it that way. Normal is hiding in plain sight and denying it only for the sake of appearances rather than any form of shame. It’s the discussion coming round once again to the possibility of forever and they slip ‘future’ and ‘when’ into their conversations more easily these days than ‘now’ and ‘if’. Normal is agreeing that they will without having any kind of plan how.
Phil is 29 when he realises that normal has shifted again. That editing takes less time because they don’t cut out as much. That normal allows them into each other’s lives and encourages him to slip ‘our’ and ‘we’ into conversation where he previously wouldn’t have. And this might be his favourite version of normal so far, watching the undisguised affection, never discussed but mutually actioned wind it’s way frame by frame into every joint appearance they make on camera. Normal starts forming a plan.
Dan is still 25 when Phil asks. And when he says yes. Because they wasted enough time with whatever iteration of normal came before this moment and he doesn’t want to waste any more.
Phil is 30 when the rest of it begins. When normal never stops moving from one day to the next but sometimes he forgets there are any boundaries at all. Because normal is relative, he can define it, but he can choose not to as well. He can choose to just let it happen, to be free with it in a way he hasn’t been before.
Dan is not yet 26 when normal is a house. When it is cosy home ownership and shared moments under ceilings that aren’t the floor of the flat above them. It’s now that he gives in to the relativism of normal, doesn’t shape himself to any definition other than his own and realises that from the infinite versions of normal he could have created, this one will always be the best.
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