#what do you mean you dont scour the internet for new music

[ribbittrobbit]

half alive makes me want to learn choreography is this what kpop fans feel?

[no1trash2003]

Identity crisis 🧚‍♀️🧚‍♂️🧚‍♀️🧚‍♂️

It's late at night so its 🧚‍♂️crisis time🧚‍♂️. If you want to skip this is going to be a convoluted gender identity post.

I think before getting into this I should info dump about my history with gender identity as a preteen:

I've always been somewhat uncomfortable with being referred to as a female. Other than a brief few years of hyper femininity as a very young child, I've always rejected the idea of being referred to as feminine in any way. Things I've assosiated with femininity i rejected, regardless of how much I liked them if at all. As a teen I'd later say this was a rejection of femininity as a weakness, as it is commonly portrayed in pop culture. In order to be strong I must reject femininity. This is probably still true to some extent but the fact remains I've always been uncomfortable with femininity and, to this day, prefer tomboy looks.

This also manifested in a strong distaste for being referred to as gendered terms. Of course I was only ever referred to as female. It always has made me incredibly uncomfortable. I used to day dream about calling myself he in my head and imagine how nice life would be had I been born with the superior genitalia (at least it was in my adolescent eyes).

I both longed for and hated a large chest, which I eventually got. And hated. Dont get me wrong I like the look of it somewhat now. But I'd prefer if it was... flat. Maybe I could arrange to rent it out? I'd like the look of them on others I'm sure.

When I reached puberty my nebulous relationship with all things LGBTQ+ began.

Of course, being a teen without acess to the internet I'd only ever heard of lgbt through word of mouth and vuage comments about crossdressers. When sexuality became a prime topic of discussion among my peers I was keen to label myself- and after analysing a common distaste for most people around me with the exception of a small select few, labelled myself a bisexual. While I've doubted this at many points I believe it still holds true today. I got a few odd questions, but I was used to being different due to my learning disability and odd disposition, so I wasnt too put off by a little bullying.

I did, however, finally get internet acess. And this, unfortunately, did not help.

As I got a clearer and clearer image of what a woman was supposed to be, I found myself more and more unable to connect with it. I didnt appritate clothes in the same way as my peers, nor makeup, music or fandom. I only really showed interest in those things to make my friends happy and spend time with them- they enjoyed it and I enjoyed their company. But this did lead to me scouring through multiple gender identity quizzes, coming to the conclusion I had some unresolved attention seeking issues, and suppressing it for the foreseeable future.

Eventually, I gained a political interest. For some reason I couldnt quite understand, I was drawn to the politics of trans identity. Of course at this point I was still firmly in the binary, being a transmed. I was overly interested in the politics of it all, at one point being briefly pulled into some more conservative media. It made me uncomfortable to listen to, and I thought that most things were uncomfortable to listen to so it was probably right.

It was at this point my friend came out as non binary.

I wanted to be supportive. I was their friend, and it was my duty as such to help them figure out themselves. I got some shit off my goth friend for using their preferred pronouns at the time, even when referring to them, as well as their new name rather than their dead name. But overall it went quite well. At the same time, though I hid it, their non binary gender made me somewhat uncomfortable. I think, looking back, that openness and bravery intimidated me. They could admit things to the world that I couldnt even admit to myself.

Later they would come out as a he. I made a gender fluid friend- who was unfortunately a pathological liar, not really helping my binary view of the world. I respected their pronouns whenever they asked me to change them of course, but again I was uncomfortable with their bravery.

At this point I rejected any gender nonconformity I may have shown, and kept myself firmly in the window of a mildly unfeminine women.

And then, I was plunged into leftist ideologies.

This is the point where I decided to go for gender abolishment as something I'd support- through finding creators like contrapoints, and lots of non binary creators who were very eager to explain it all to me in a way that wasnt ripped out of the sour lips of a terf. My interest in politics, the role of gender in society as a concept, its role in capitalism, made me reject it. I still firmly identified myself as a woman, despite the massive discomfort about my female sex characteristics, and being referred to as such.

But I suppose, through accepting others I was forced to analyse myself more closely. Yes, I'd grown attached to many feminine things. Yes, I'd grown attached to many masculine things. Yes, I'd love- AND I MEAN LOVE- to look like a full on boy- to be recognised as such also.

But why would that make me anything less than female? Surely, I could just be a masculine woman. Gender roles after all mean nothing in reality.

And yet, does my love for makeup, and the occasional dress, discount other identities completely? Cisgender men could like all those things for gods sake! And so could masc presenting non binary people, and trans men, and anyone else for that matter! Why would those things have any bearing on my gender identity?

I know I hate how I present at the moment. But unfortunately that's all I know. I'm a coward i guess- I dont know what to do or how to do it. I don't have the bravery to come out and say I'm this or that or anything other then female. I dont have the courage to get more stares in the street than I normally do or explain this to my school. I don't have the balls of steal to let anyone see me as anything other than a cis woman in real life. I dont know what or who I am.

I do know I dont like being referred to as female pronouns. I know I dont identify with femininity in the same way as cisgender women seem to do. I know being called anything feminine makes me cringe. I know I hate my breasts and my hips and my thighs and my vagina. I know I hate not looking masculine. I know I hate my fucking name.

So I dont know what I am. But a lot of things seem to be pointing towards not female.

[skizmin]

haunted house!au with lee minho

prompt: minho falls in love with the actor that jump scared him inside the haunted house at a carnival

genre: fluff???? would it be anything else???? in my happy angst-makes-me-cry household???? pfft.

for: im sorry this one is lightly gender specific for females!! but the only female not made is about dressing as wendy for a costume party which some of my male readers might be uncomfortable with!! (i didnt even think abt it when writing it bc me and one of my guy friends have respectively gone as peter and wendy to costume parties)

warnings: gore mention stuff but its haunted house costumes, swearing ofc but nothing extreme (no slurs).

yo anyway so minhos one of my three ults wowzas Can He Not?

alright lets get to it

You Are Broke.

your major subject at uni really does cost a lot of money. money you have to provide. it sucks basically

whenever you think abt money you have to hold back tears bc You Have None.

:(((((

sorry anyway

one of your housemates is also broke and loves scouring the internet for quick and easy ways to get money, no matter how crazy they are

one night she comes back with an idea that peaks your interest, probably purely bc your card just got declined ordering a coffee at mcdonalds

“y/n you HAVE to do this one!!!!!”

you sigh like “if its selling my sub topic notes online again, im not doing it. i didnt even know someone could be so harsh about highlighter use???”

your housemate is all pfft im not putting you thru that again

“no!! basically, you get $80 to show up for 2 and 1/2 hours at the haunted house place at that carnival nearby!! dude we gotta, its just to scare the fuck outta people and we can like!! cover ourselves in blood!! n stuff!!”

at first your mind was like lmfao 2&1/2 hours at a haunted house?? no fuckin way

but then you remembered your job only paid you $14.78 an hour so you were doubling your pay in half the amount of time

“when?”

“20 minutes, get out a creepy white dress or something that looks creepy that you can get dirty.”

you fricken ran to your room

you ended up getting a cheap nightgown that you bought to dress up as wendy from peter pan to a costume party, it cost like $2 you really werent sad to see it go

“y/n!! hurry up!! they have makeup there!!”

you bolted out the front door in your nightgown, runners and a big coat with nothing but your wallet phone and keys in your pocket

you were really broke and desperate, youd already accepted it

when you got to the carnival you were in awe, it had been a fair few years since your last one and the colours and lights and pounding music and laughter just

wow, carnivals are so pretty

the guy running the haunted house came in and let you guys in so you didnt pay admission and quickly sat you down at some tables and told you you could do the makeup yourself or got someone else to

you, feeling daring and thinking fuck it, im gonna make the haunted house goers shit their pants, decided to do your own makeup

to pair with your blue nightgown you simply gave yourself extremely dark and sullen eyes with the power of purple eyeshadow, you paled out your lips and gave yourself a lil nosebleed, and on top of that you painted a random creepy looking symbol on your forehead in blood, blackening it our a little with an eyeliner pen to make it seem like it was cut open.

you were lowkey proud of your work

okay now it was show time, you were briefed on where in the house you could stay and you were told how to act and basic rules (no touching, get help if theyre freaking out too much, etc)

so now, you were in the dimly lit narrow hallways of this makeshift house when you heard the tell tale screams of your housemate meaning theres a group coming and theyd just attempted to jump scare them

you hid behind a black sheet, disguised as a wall, before your victims came up through your hallway

you heard some talk of “felix you know its fake, calm down.” before you saw some shadows pass by

the group was big, maybe 10 people? you werent sure, but you went forward with your plan anyway

just after theyd passed your hiding place, you stepped out from behind them and stood idly and innocently in the centre of the corridor before you put your head down and started whistling a nursery rhyme

you heard a few gasps and a few squeaks before you looked up with an unreadable expression

you saw them looking at you and some of the guys ushered some of the others away though one guy stood there looking at you strangely

you just tilted your head at him before taking your OPERATION: SCARE mission a step farther

bringing your hands up to your ears you let out a ear piercing scream and squeezed your eyes shut before running through the group and turning the corner at the end of the small corridor

you heard a soft what the fuck was that and a less soft language! before you turned and waited for them to turn the corner

as they were walking up the corridor however (theyd resolved to moving with just shuffles of their feet) you heard a new voice speak up. it was somewhat playful and honeydew like, especially with the phrase “not gonna lie, they were really fucking pretty.” which was followed by a chorus of “miNHO”’s and “thIs iS NoT The TiME bUddY” and “i think felix is crying”

you were taken aback

did he mean that? was that the one looking at you earlier? what the frick?

you were still blanking out, completely flabbergasted even when the group turned the corner

of course, you were unprepared, you planned to scream a loud “GET OUT!” to them but all that left your mouth was a squeak as you met eyes with the stranger again, red flushing up your neck

you ran away quickly, ducking into one of the rooms dressed up to look like a metal asylum holding centre

“hyung wtf theyre the scariest one yet”

“you guys go ahead, ill be there in a second”

“hyuNG YOURE GONNA GET KILLED DONT YOU WATCH HORROR MOVIES YOU NEVER SPLIT UP!”

“let go jisungie, hyunjins looking at you like you disgust him right now”

a chorus of laughs echoed through the hall

why was honeydew voice not going ahead?

your cheeks were still kinda red as you waited, listening for the male to go away

you slowly inched towards the doorway of the small room you were in, the flashing light behind you somewhat hindering your senses as you peeked through the shredded and knotted white sheet hanging from the top of the doorway but you couldnt see anyo-

“BOO!” “HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK” you scReAmed and jumped backwards, only to hear some cakcling from behind the sheet where the boy from earlier had appeared

“WHAT THE HECK KNUCKLES DUDE!”

“heck knuckles?”

“DONT JUDGE ME MY HEART IS BEATING A MILLION MILES PER HOUR RIGHT NOW”

“hmm? really?” you looked up to see the boy smirking playfully at you. 

he looks like a cat

“aH yeAh??? you just scared the crap out of me!!!1!1!!!” you huffed, amused by him behaviour. you heartbeat still hadnt calmed down

“oh? you sure it wasnt just from looking at me?” he leaned in slightly, making the question seem innocent

“mmhm, youre that ugly that i flew halfway across a room.” though the comment was monotonous and you had a bored look in your eyes, it was purely for bantering

“nice try pumpkin, nice try. anyway, when do you finish with the whole im an ugly ghost coming to kill you thing? youre terrible at it by the way.”

your breath hitched and a blush came up your neck

“o-okay listen here, uh, boy! 1, i am Not a Pumpkin. 2, i dont know you. 3, im fucking amazing at this ask your friends and 4, i dont know you” you awkwardly coughed at the end

he furrowed his eyebrows at you “its minho, and the whole point is i want to get to know you.” he beamed at you after this

you felt lightheaded honestly, it was all happening very quickly under weird circumstances

but still, you muttered back to him a soft “i get off at 10:30″

he smiled wider, triumphantly, “10:30?”

you nodded and he took a couple of steps back, out of the room

“see you then i guess!” at this, he winked, before he jogged off to find his friends

you fell back against a wal

lwhat the frick frack paddy whack just happened?

you sighed, hearing the screeching and slam of a metal door, knowing you had to get back to scaring others

like,,, @ 10:33

you had all your stuff and you were walking out from behind the haunted house set up, waiting for your housemate

you honestly didnt think youd see minho. no guy is that persistent, right?

wrong.

“h-hey!!! demon child person!!!” you looked up at this

who the fuck just called me demon child person 

you saw him and holy shit

the haunted house was dark with red lighting in some places and flashing blinding white lights in others, you saw minho and you saw what he looked like, but wow, he was so much clearer now

he was absolutely gorgeous

the carnival lights against his tan skin, his dark hair, his skinny black jeans and big parka coat? you were absolutely mesmerised

suddenly you realised you were staring and he was standing right in front of you

“o-oh, uh, hi?” you could already feel the red on your cheeks

“mm, hey, wanna hang out for a bit?” he smiled at you, you saw a tinge of red on his nose from the cold

“oh, actually i uh, i came with my housemate and-”

“anD THEY’D LOVE TO GO!!” 

suddenly your housemate was next to you, throwing an arm over your shoulder and telling you to get home safely and asking you to not be too loud before shes nudging you closer to the attractive minho boy and speed walking off

“i gotta say, i like your housemate” minho looked to you with a wide smile. “should we get you some food first?”

you offered him a meek smile and shyly nodded. which he laughed at

“alright then, lets go!” he gripped you lightly by the elbow and led you through the crowd, passing some speedy and tall and colourful rides. you decided to speak up.

“sooo... after you get food, whatd you wanna do?” minho made a contemplating sound before simply saying “i dont mind, i just want to get to know you.”

oh

“uh, okay then, well uh, what do you wanna know?” “to be honest, a name would be great.” minho laughed goodheartedly, you saw the apples of his cheeks rise up and his nose scrunching slightly

“oH! riGht! im uh, im y/n”

this time he turned to you “y/n?” you nodded. “thats a pretty name, it matches you.”

you turned away mumbling a thanks before you realised he’d called you pretty

“woAh wait whAt??? do you?? have no shame??”

this time he giggled

giggled

oh my god your heart practically stopped especially when he steered you to a table for the both of you to sit down

“y/n, i dont know if you noticed but i basically sorta asked you out like 2 hours ago while you were trying to scare me dressed as a demonic creepy child, a really fucking cute one at that, you need to teach me how to do that im in awe. but yeah and then now we’re here on a spontaneous first date which i have no clue what im doing for and i really dont know you at all apart from you act in a haunted house which is pretty interesting but you were just that pretty that i stayed behind in a haunted house to talk to you. now ask yourself again, does minho ever feel ashamed of his blatantly obvious attempts at flirting? the answer however is: when it comes to you? no, never.”

he was smiling proudly at his little monologue whilst you were catching flies in your open mouth

“you...are actually the cheesiest person ive ever fucking met.”

minho laughs once again.

“honestly, ill give you all the compliments in the world if it means youll give me your number or something, even the ones that arent true”

you leaned over the table and slapped his arm lightly, grumbling under your breath about fliritng getting you nowhere in life

he simply rested his elbow on the table and his cheek in his hand, gazing at you and asking you what food you wanted

you ended up being so strung in by his his gorgeous eyes and soft looking cheeks that he had to call your name 3 times and repeat the question

bonus:

after eating some gross junk food and watching the midnight fireworks, minho bought you both fairyfloss and insisted on walking you home saying “its what anyone in their right mind would do” 

you walked along, him explaining his fear of heights and you explaining your situation of brokeness where you take almost any opportunity available

along the way he slinked his fingers through yours and placed them in the pocket of his big parka coat, smiling at you as you ducked your head to look at the ground, where youd started kicking your feet out extra to distract yourself from the affectionate gesture and calm the burning of your cheeks

when you arrived at your house, you fought over who should eat the leftover fairy floss.

you viciously shoved it into his hand, 

“you paid for it and you walked me home even though its late and cold, you keep it.”

minho looked like he was going to fight back for a minute before his eyes lit up

“ill take it on one condition, i get to feed a piece to you.” he beamed at you and you looked at him confused and skeptic

“uhhh, okay i guess?”

he picked a piece off of the stick and held it in front of you, you opened your mouth for it and he placed it in

before it could melt and you could smile at him however, you felt his hand on your cheek and a hand on your lower back tugging you forward to rest his lips on yours, moving his lips against them a total of three times before pulling back

“i know i shouldve asked, but id buy you fairy floss every day if i got to do that once.”

you were a stuttering mess, your mind was fuzzy, you missed the feeling of him so close to you already

“uh-i, i um. wow uh yeah. uhhh, yeah no its fine i um,,,, i didnt mind it actually. wait no, i uh, i really liked it?”

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

minho is BEAMING OH MY GOD

biggest smile of the century goes to lee minho, born in 1998

youre so red it isnt funny and he just moves the hand that was on your cheek to loosely grab at your fingers

“mm, okay then y/n, maybe if you wash the fake blood off of your face and text me ill kiss you again, for as long as you want.”

if your face was red before

oh god

oh god

you squeaked and nodded as he chuckled, lightly kissing your cheek before backing away

“get some sleep y/n, and message me tomorrow.” with that, he was walking away, leaving you to enter your house and be greeted by a squealing housemate who had witnessed the whole thing

(you took minho up on that offer, and he did kiss you, and it was longer, and it was great until his friend chris walked into minhos living room and saw you both and started screaming about keeping it PG because there were (17 yr old) kids around.)

finish! hope you like it!!

[talknerdytome67-blog]

Loss

What did it mean that there were no handbooks for me? That people asked me to be strong in the face of the biggest loss I'd ever experienced or imagined? At times I felt like I didn't deserve to feel so shattered, especially in the shadow of my parents' immense loss but losing a twin is like losing half of yourself.

When I was 22, my twin brother, who was my only sibling, died. He had huffed duster while driving resulting in immediate brain death causing him to hit a tree at over 90mph. That day wasnt like any other day because a few months earlier I woke up and knew he was going to die. Just not how or when. The day the phone rang and I heard my mom say dark, foreign words like car accident, unresponsive, drugs, life support was the most impactful day of my life. In the thickness of shock, I didn't realize that the rest of my life would be measured in before and after. Before, when my family was intact. After, when I would somehow be forced to learn to live without the person I was supposed to get a lifetime with.

"Be strong for your parents," said blurs of people at Trevor's memorial service. I nodded, but inside me, something twisted. I stood in a daze as people streamed by, offering their awkward words and hugs. Be strong for your parents? I thought. How can I be strong for them when half my soul just died and I dont even know how to be strong for myself.

After

I was barely breathing. I was barely standing there. I was numb and strong was the last thing I felt. One thing is for sure I felt angry at my brother for leaving me here. For abandoning me. It's funny how I found myself consoling complete strangers over the death of my brother and yet these very people werent there for him when he was alive and struggling w addiction. Why is it that no one seems to truly care about you until tragedy strikes and then suddenly your life meant so much to them. They say things like "I didn't see this coming" "Why didn't they reach out"

In the early months after Trevors death at 22, I existed in a heavy fog. Nothing was as I knew it. I'd been forced to abandon the little life I'd once known. My friends were living their lives -- going to college, working, falling in and out of love and lust. Meanwhile, my life had stopped and I no longer recognized the world around me.

My home was filled with the cloying scent of flowers just starting to die. It struck me just then how terrible it was that we send flowers to the grieving -- here you go, another reminder that nothing is permanent, that everything lovely will be lost.

My brother's absence was heavy in the house. Though he had died in Peoria, his room was still scattered with relics: the bed he had slept in for so many years, his skateboarding hoodies hanging like shadows in the closets, a handful of videos and books. Memories pinned to each corner. His beloved Ferret Ember waiting for her best friend who was never coming home.

Having always taken comfort in words, I scoured the internet for a book for someone like me -- a barely adult whose (barely) adult twin brother had died. What I found was unimpressive: There were more books on losing a pet than losing a brother or sister, especially a twin. A few books existed for surviving children after a death in the family, but they were for small children. One memoir documented a sister's grief following her brother's death, but it was out of print.

What did it mean that there were no handbooks for me? That people asked me to be strong in the face of the biggest loss I'd ever experienced or imagined? At times I felt like I didn't deserve to feel so shattered, especially in the shadow of my parents' immense loss. I felt guilty for missing him.

A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and my world took another 360* hit. I decided I needed to join a support group so I sat in a circle with a few widows and widowers, a woman whose daughter had died, and a woman whose mother had died. I was younger than any of them by at least 30 years, but I could relate to their shares: "I feel like I'm going crazy." "I'm so damned angry right now." "I can't sleep at night." "My anxiety is at an all time high"

Though the losses were different, the feelings were the same and we were all barely coping.

My parents, who adopted us at 2 would never be the same. Their pain was almost visible, as if a piece of their bodies had been cut out. I had lost myself, too, or at least the version of me that was unscathed by tragedy: an innocent version, who walked around in some parallel universe where her brother was still alive, ignorant to the incredible fortune of an entirely alive family.

My brother, my twin, my built in best friend. I miss Trevors big brown eyes. His loud laugh. He was the co-keeper of my childhood and my secret's. The person who was supposed to walk with me longer than anyone else in this life. The only other person who knew what it was like to grow up with our particular parents, in our particular home and our particular situation being adopted.

The future.

I cried for the nephews and nieces I would never have. I cried for my own daughter who would never know my brother, her uncle. How would I explain him? How would I ensure that his essence wasn't lost, that he wasn't just a figure in old photographs, a handful of stories? Suddenly i was the only person who could make my parents the grandparents they were soon to be.

I constantly grieve for all the hard times ahead when my brother wouldn't be by my side. When my parents begin to age. When my grandparents die. There would be no one to share these dark milestones with and no one to comfort me in the way he did with just his presence.

And so 3 weeks after his death Im now pregnant and despite feeling like I wanted to die from the pain and loneliness i had to stay alive. I suddenly was needing to stay healthy, to stay safe, to stay positive because I was bringing a beautiful baby girl into the world and theres no time to fall apart.

So I placed my grief on hold.

I felt like our family had been a four-legged table, and one leg had suddenly been torn off. The remaining three of us wobbled and teetered. We felt the missing leg like an amputee, each morning waking to the horrible fact that Trevor was gone and unable to stop the pain.

I wrote letters to my brother in those early months and years. At first, memories blazed through my head and I used the letters to capture them before they flitted away, gone forever: my brother walking towards me when he knew my heart had been broken and embracing me in a giant hug. The time I taught him to make snow angels in the front yard of our home, our bulkily clad limbs sliding in synchronicity under the cold afternoon sun.

Later, I wrote the letters when I needed to cry -- when the grief sat coiled and waiting in my chest, needing to be let out, released. I couldn't find the words of other bereaved twin sisters or brothers to bring me comfort, so I created my own.

One day, when I was lost in my sadness, my mom said, "You won't always feel like this. You'll have a family of your own. You'll move on." This seemed impossible in my 23 year-old new mom skin. I couldn't imagine this potential future where I lived a life my brother was no longer apart of.

But very, very slowly, I began putting my life back together. I gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl and I made the difficult decision to leave an abusive relationship and return home again. As time has gone on I notice my daughter has his love of music and animals and possesses the lighthearted spirit my brother had at the same age and I cant help but smile and think a part of him is in her.

Sometimes adult siblings aren't able to close the distance between them, all those shared experiences and time and space and relationships matter. They tether us, they twine our stories together. I pray that my children will one day remain close as they grow, and that they enjoy a long lifetime together and never take eachother for granted.

After nearly 9 years, the sharp shock and grief I felt in those early months and years are no longer constant but only come back in waves, especially around his angelversary or our birthday. It's hard to explain to people the survivors guilt I feel and the PTSD I acquired from watching him struggle to pass away after being taken off life support. It's hard to explain to people that the week of his death never gets easier to face and I tend to shut down and shut people out because I dont want to be a burden. I distance myself so my sadness doesnt spill into their lives.

Its taken 9 years for the pain to dull and for the words "your brother is dead" to stop pounding in my head -- but they did. Trevors absence is mostly a dull hurt, the ghost of an old broken bone that aches when it rains. I feel it more on holidays and anniversaries, when someone else close to me dies. Or when something funny happens and I go to text him and realize I cant. Because Hes gone.

I'll always wish he was still here. I'll always wonder what he would look like and what he'd be doing if he was still alive -- at almost 32, At 50. At 75. Who would he be today? Would he have gotten sober and started a family? Would his music career had taken off?

So with no other choice I continue on. Perhaps I am even strong, like those well-meaning mourners at my brother's memorial asked me to be. But my brother's loss will remain with me for my whole life -- just like he was supposed to.

I wish I knew how to explain to the people I love that the distance I create during anniversaries is done so they are not effected by my overwhelming sadness. I create distance because even after 9 years I am still learning how to cope and handle my grief and sometimes its easier to do alone so that theres no pressure to feel like you have to be happy and in a way continue healing.

I'm incredibly blessed with an amazing boyfriend who is patient and kind and incredibly handsome and perfect in every way. He has been incredibly understanding and supportive despite the distance I have placed between us lately and that's how I know hes who I am going to spend the rest of my life with if he'll let me.

I will forever be thankful for the time I had with my brother and the lessons he taught me but time doesn't heal all wounds and I am just finding ways to get by.

[throughthelookinglasses-blog]

Ready For it? the Breakdown

So. I’m gonna start off with a disclaimer that I usually do not write these kind of posts. I don't know why, I just haven’t gotten ‘round to writing them yet. SO if this seems like it’s all over the place, that’s why. Secondly, the reason I felt the need to put this down in words is because, literally EVERYONE on the internet,save for a select few which maybe I haven’t seen are clueless about the video. They are misinterpreting it and it is messing with my head.

@taylorswift if I totally butchered it, I am so sorry. 

So here goes.

First things first.

I’m sure everyone noticed the lip curl. And I’m sure everyone remembered her do the same one in LWYMMD.

Now as we all know, we saw two taylors in the RFI video. Now here’s what those two taylors are according to my theory.

The Taylor wearing the bodysuit is the old taylor and the one in hood is the new taylor who was starring in the LWYMMD video. Did you see how, in the last line up, there were some new taylors, and there were some old taylors and all the new taylors were taking a shot at insulting the old taylors? Yeah. SO according to the LWYMMD video, taylor wants us to think that the new taylor is against the old one and hates her with passion.

But things change in RFI!

Here we see, that The new taylor is in a shady place with gangsters and stuff which I think is supposed to symbolise the dark corner of herself. (forgive me if it sounds corny. Or dont. I don't care)

And we see that she’s enclosed the old taylor in a glass box. Notice how I said ‘enclosed’ and not ‘trapped’ Cz she wasn’t trapped. The new taylor hid her there because she was so broken that she needed protection. 

Further proof. 

(maybe? It's a theory)

The new Taylor is still TAYLOR! And this is symbolic of how only she can understand how truly broken she was.  

The new taylor isn’t against the old taylor, she’s PROTECTING old taylor. Its almost as if she’s working for the old taylor. She’s feeding her, nursing her and letting her rest while the new taylor faces the world and slams everyone down who doesn’t treat her with respect.

And when she doesn’t need the facade anymore, she destroys it. Time to get real. (PS. did you see how the new her has straighter and styled hair while the old taylor is rocking her natural curls? Thats sick!)

Also, do you see how, throughout the video, the new taylor is not at all upset, or scared or angry by the fact the the taylor inside the glass box is gaining power and actually seems to be pleased and excited that the old taylor is now strong and can break free? She herself encourages her to get out of the box now and the new taylor is actually the one who presses the buttons to let er out.

More proof that the taylor in the bodysuit is the old @taylorswift. She literally spoon-fed it to us and we didn’t see. Which is a shame on us really.

White horse? WHITE HORSE? white horse. Rings a bell? No? Let me break it down for you.

And it's too late for you and your ‘white horse’ to come around.

Okay? Okay.

Oh this also means that now she’s the one on the white horse. Meaning she don't need no knight in shining armour on a white horse to save her. She ain’t no damsel in distress. She can save herself. WHICH SHE DID!

And for all those who are critical of the nude bodysuit, fuck you! (excuse my french).

DON'T YOU SEE IT? ITS SYMBOLIC OF THE VULNERABILITY OF THE OLD TAYLOR! YOU GUYS!

Did all you swifties really believe that @taylorswift, the queen of deeper layers in her songs, would herself, with her own free will, put on a nude bodysuit, which is slightly promiscuous, without it having some deeper meaning to it? Like really?

Why do you think the new taylor isn’t letting anyone see her? Why do you think there’s only one person the old taylor trusts and that person is herself? Because she’s vulnerable. Now, more than ever! She is not using the media in any way for promoting her album. The media on the other hand has turned her into a clickbait! And I’m glad @taylorswift isn’t letting them use her just to increase the views and ratings. I’m honestly so happy. There’s not press interviews, no TV appearances. She is not letting anyone in! Except for the people she truly trusts. which is her fans. She trusts us enough to know that if she releases music, we will know about it, we will jam to it and we will give it the love it deserves without necessarily judging her. 

Now that that’s out of the way. (I'm sorry if Im coming off too strong, I just feel really strongly about people misunderstanding her and then judging her.)

But Now, things are changing. The old taylor has almost recovered and is now stronger than before. She has rebuilt herself and mended all that was broken.

Do you see this? The ball of light? That ball of lights is the power that she found when she stopped caring about her reputation and became the 'new' taylor. The look of wonder in her eyes is the uplifting she felt when she realised that she doesn’t need to change herself to save herself. She just has to shut out all the negative voices and focus on the ones that truly care for her.

Which brings me to.

'Touch me and you"ll never be alone'

'Touch me and you"ll never be alone'

It’s not just a superficial touch! You guys! Dig deep!

She actually means to say that now, after the old taylor is back if what you do for me and how you treat people touches my heart, If you are genuine and truly care for me, I'll never let u be alone...

Thats why shes been scouring the net for true fans… That she sends goodies to the ones who can’t meet her... @taylornation is legit contacting anyone taylor mentions and invites them to the Secret sessions if @taylorswift wants. She’s filtering people by how much she trusts them and by how much they touch her.

It’s also a clever sexual pun ‘cz the media has labelled her as being irresistible but fast. But I believe she really means touching her emotionally when she says that. (I may be wrong but that's how i think it goes.)

Speaking of clever lyrics. Here’s one more.

She says 'no one has to know' to the old taylor.

So she’s healing herself without letting anyone know that she was broken in the first place. No one has to know she is broken. No one has to know that this is just a mask. no one has to know that she’s soft and healing underneath the hard surface. 

And here comes another connection to the LWYMMD lyric. She says the old taylor can’t come to the phone right now ‘coz she’s dead. But in RFI we clearly see she is not. So the new taylor is hiding the fact that the old taylor is still there, under all those layers of new she has put around herself, she’s still there. But ‘no one has to know’ this until the old taylor is ready to let everyone know.

And now ‘Baby let the games begin!’ Shes ready now. To come out of hiding as herself. And show the world that she can still conquer the world even if she doesn’t morph according to the society’s standards.

And also, the lightning?

The one that gives taylor the power and strength back in flash of seconds. I think it’s a play on the word ‘enlightening.’

Again for the realisation she had that she doesn’t have to care what people think about her decisions as long as she herself is okay with it.

Oh My god! This whole video, in first look doesn’t seem like it makes sense, or has concept.

But for people who have been here a long time, and for people who know taylor for who she truly is, it’s the most epic video she can make. And it’s the first song of the album. So it makes sense that the taylor that was dormant for so many years is now coming back. So are you ready for it?

the album, my thoughts.

I think the album is gonna show both sides of taylor. One that she shows only to the people close to her and the other that she shows the entire world.

You know how people have been saying that ‘Gorgeous’ sounds more like a mix of Red and Fearless? Yup. that's the old taylor of the album! It's the third track. SO i have a feeling that after she breaks out of the glass box in RFI, she starts being herself again, only this time, there's no inhibitions and she’s not letting others know that she’s back to her old self (again ‘no one has to know’). So we can expect the 2nd track to also be like the stuff that taylor usually makes. But the song would be with a more empowering lyric. Like, a lyric that shows how she’s getting stronger. Kinda along the lines of Out of the woods - She lost him but she found herself.

I dont know, thats a shot in the dark I’m taking.

I really urge you to watch the video again, with all this in mind, and I guarantee you, you will not be confused anymore.

Also, if there’s any theories that you guys might have that make more sense than this, PLEASE let me know. This video has been messing with my head and I’m just glad that now I have some context to it.

P.S. I Love you @taylorswift. You are an inspiration for me in so many ways! You show that you dont have to stop loving people altogether just because you have been hurt. You showed me that feeling for people is not a weakness. Feeling Love and being compassionate is not a weakness. Its strength. You just need to nurture the love and compassion that you have within you instead of banishing it. 

PPS. I think the reason the new taylor is a filter for boyfriends to. And this guy that she’s singing about, he’s won her trust and is much more compassionate and caring and loving than anyone she’s met before. and thats why she’s now letting the old, real taylor come out and expose herself to him, because she trust him.

@taylornation Please help me get Taylor read this. I really want to know if it makes sense. Thank you for being so nice to the fans and working so hard for @taylorswift