#what do you mean ocelot made venom. who was he making him for exactly. how does venom feel about that.

[vlasdygoth]

kiss me out of desire, baby, not consolation

[katzengesicht]

had to take a business day to recover, alas, i am here and i am thinking abt kaz and ocelot. me and the bestie r working on a detailed timeline for the nine year timespan, but i do wanna mention smth that we talked abt yesterday: kaz and bibo, and what that means to ocelot, specifically in regards to the phantom.

bibo, at some point, makes the decision to leave kaz behind. maybe because he doesn’t think it’s safe to tell him about venom— clearly, ocelot didn’t think it’d be safe for even himself to know, thus the self-hypnosis. so, they don’t involve kaz in this plan. maybe bibo thinks he can eventually do so. maybe he hopes kaz won’t begrudge him for it, and if he does, that he’s capable of taking care of kaz. ocelot does not.

bibo makes the decision to leave kaz behind, and ocelot acts accordingly. when and how kaz loses his arm and leg isn’t specified. you could argue that he loses it in the helicopter crash that puts bibo into a coma (he refuses prosthetics to keep the pain of his comrades in the forefront of his mind), or that he loses them when he gets captured at the beginning of phantom pain (a recent tape of ocelot offering these prosthetics while venom is already around, smth oz could’ve done at any point throughout those nine years if kaz lost his arm and leg in the crash). 

in my portrayal, specifically, kaz loses them at the beginning of phantom pain. it’s not the usual kind of torture, and the people that captured him need specific resources to keep him alive throughout. 

bibo made a decision to leave kaz behind. ocelot knows he’ll begrudge bibo for it. ocelot knows bibo could take care of kaz if needed. ocelot does not want to take the chance. 

(he has miller’s glasses at the beginning of phantom pain.)

because of his self-hypnosis, ocelot forgets about it until he snaps out of that hypnosis. but he’s the one who gets kaz captured, and he’s the one to recommend this type of torture, this type of incapacitation to his captors. kaz will begrudge bibo for abandoning him after they built his army for nine years, and kaz will want to hurt bibo, so ocelot makes sure that he’ll never be able to. his own feelings about kaz and what working with him for nine years has done to develop their relationship do not matter, john matters. so he does what he feels he needs to do. as a precaution.

(and ocelot is right, because who exactly trains the man who kills bibo?)

[themurphyzone]

Oneshot: A Mammalian Match

So in Platypus Onesies For All, I made a terrible error. I did not actually write about the glory that is Heinz Doofenshmirtz in a platypus onesie. This oneshot is a kind of a sequel. 

It was Dress Up Like An Animal Day. This year, the day happened to coincide with the dinner party the American division was hosting for the international branches of the OWCA. The most recent memo encouraged dressing like an animal instead of the formal attire of years past. 

While Perry would’ve gotten away with just his fedora, he felt terrible leaving Heinz hanging. Matching was much more fun anyway. And he was touched that Heinz bought a little ocelot hoodie that even came with a fake tail just for him. It was much cozier than the stiff material of a suit. 

Perry also allowed Heinz to apply kitty whiskers with a thin paintbrush. There were three black streaks on each cheek, easily washable of course. 

“I can see why this is so popular,” Heinz said, flipping the bill of the onesie over his fedora. “You wanna feel? It’s really fuzzy. Hopefully not too fuzzy though. You know how when you’re wearing winter socks and the fuzz gets caught between your toes? That’s what it feels like.” 

Perry ran his fingers up and down Heinz’s arm, chattering as he felt the material squish in his hand. 

Heinz grinned. “I know you like it too. We don’t have to leave just yet. We can totally get away with being fashionably late. Why do they call it that anyway? What does fashion have to do with an inability to show up on time?”

Perry tugged him to his feet. They were going to arrive on time, and that was final. 

OWCA sure knew how to pick the venue. They’d rented out the local convention center, which had been renovated to include a brand new ballroom. It was such a big deal that the local news had done a special segment over the building, complete with interview from Roger himself. 

Perry had a great time playing ‘keep the remote away from Heinz in case he threw it at the television’ that night. 

“Remember when you thwarted me when I tried destroying this place with the Rocking Chair-inator?” Heinz asked, wiping a tear from his eye. “Man, good times. I wish I’d gotten a picture of your face when you got thrown on top of one of the statues. That was priceless!” 

Perry scowled, then pointed at the greeter, who was staring at Heinz in disbelief. Not exactly the most tactful thing to say to someone who made their living here. The greeter made a big show of checking their tickets to stall them, and Heinz protested the entire time. 

Finally, they were allowed in. The dining hall was straight ahead, several large banquet tables set up in the middle with assorted fruits and cheese neatly lining fancy silver platters. The animals mingled with each other, while the humans were more content to stick to the group they flew in with. 

Candace was right about accidentally starting a fashion trend. Platypus onesies were definitely the most popular costume of the night. The Australian branch was completely decked in teal and orange. Even the echidna and kangaroo with them had platypus memorabilia. 

Upon seeing Perry and Heinz, they gasped and surrounded them completely. Perry shifted nervously, and Heinz laughed. “Shy in front of your own fan club, Perry the Platypus? Come on, if any guy deserves a fan club, it’s you! Though I’d totally be the president of it.”

“I follow your blog! Did Perry the Platypus really blow up all your inventions?” 

“Why is his fur teal?”

“Have you ever been stabbed by his venomous spurs?” 

Heinz lifted his hands in a futile attempt to quiet them enough so he could talk. “Not all of my inventions. Just the ones used for evil. I still have Norm though. I hope he isn’t making too many muffins again. He destroyed the kitchen last time he made them, you know. And I have no idea why his fur is teal. A mutation maybe, and I read up on the venomous spur thing. He doesn’t need those to inflict a world of hurt.”

Satisfied, the agents took several selfies for keepsakes. Perry sighed in relief when they took interest in a few avian agents. 

“Come on, so people are giving you a little attention,” Heinz said. “You should be happy about that!” 

Perry shook his head. Fan clubs just weren’t his thing. 

“Yeah, I guess if you’re supposed to be a secret agent, you aren’t supposed to be drawing attention. That’s why secret’s in the name. Whoever heard of an attention agent?”

Perry grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the buffet table. They would both need the energy if they were going to socialize. Since it was still early, the servers had only put out the appetizers. It would be an hour before the main courses were brought out and they were called to be seated. 

The table was so high that Perry had to sit on Heinz’s shoulders to get a good look at the food available. There were several odd looks from some of the stuffier visitors, but Perry paid them no mind. He was more concerned about directing Heinz so that he got enough marinara with his calamari. 

Heinz settled for the crackers and loaded his plate with every slice of cheese available. Perry hopped off and grabbed the plate of calamari from him, completely coating a ring with sauce before eating it. 

“You could’ve said please,” Heinz complained. “Or sign-languaged please. Do platypi have a word for it? Or is this one of the things that doesn’t translate?” 

Perry shrugged, popping another piece into his bill. There was no need for him to give his ‘I’m hungry’ chatter here. Besides, that was the closest thing platypi had to the magic words. 

Heinz played with his food, the tip of his tongue sticking out as he concentrated heavily on arranging the cheese in a strange pattern. After a few minutes, he finished and proudly displayed a cheese and cracker version of Perry on his plate. 

The body was made of Colby Jack, while the bill was sharp cheddar. A cracker was broken into two halves, one for the hat and the other for the tail.

Perry took one of the creation’s pepperjack arms and chewed on it. Heinz grinned. “I’m just gonna pretend you liked it and didn’t eat your own arm.” 

“There you two are!” someone exclaimed. 

They whirled around to see Major Monogram approaching them. Perry wasn’t sure if his scowl was directed at Heinz or at Carl. They’d made a bet a week before, and Carl won. As a result, he got first pick of the animal costumes. 

And now Major Monogram was dressed like a chipmunk. 

Perry quickly saluted his superior, although he knew he it wouldn’t be that professional anyway. He flicked off a small speck of cheese stuck to the side of his bill. 

“Nice ocelot outfit, Agent P,” Major Monogram said. “Your onesie is tacky, Doofenshmirtz. And unoriginal. Everyone and their mother is wearing one of those now.” 

Heinz raised an eyebrow. “Sure, Monobrow. At least mine is trendy. Chipmunks are so 80s of you. Just out of curiosity, what would you and Carl have dressed up as if you’d won that bet?” 

“It was only a lucky fluke,” Monogram grumbled. “I would’ve won if it hadn’t been for that meddling kid in the sweatervest and his dog.” 

“Wow, never heard a good guy say that one before,” Heinz remarked. Perry was surprised too. 

It was pretty cliche though. 

“I would’ve liked to go as a bear. Probably would’ve stuck Carl in a fox costume,” Monogram said. “Enjoy the party, I’ll see you at the table when we’re called down. I’d better drag Carl away from the other squirrels. Catch you later.”

An almost civil conversation between Heinz and Monogram. Weird. 

They spent the next thirty minutes learning of their apparent celebrity status in the international branches. The cat in the Japanese division had started purring and rubbing herself against Perry. Her superior and Heinz had to work together to pull them apart when she’d latched onto him, her front paws digging into his hoodie. 

Thankfully, they broke apart before her claws could damage the material. Her superior apologized profusely to both of them. The cat pouted as she was reprimanded sternly for her behavior. 

“Probably the jacket,” Heinz said. He gently knocked Perry’s side with an elbow. “Do me a favor and avoid female cats that want to flirt with you.”

Perry shrugged. She-cats just weren’t his type. 

Then Heinz somehow managed to attract the attention of two female agents in the COWCA. Unfortunately, Lyla wasn’t with them since Bannister broke out of prison and she had to go deal with him.

Heinz being Heinz, he didn’t even realize they were flirting with him. 

And Perry wasn’t the sharing type. 

Before he could figure out a good excuse to lead Heinz away, an announcement sounded over the P.A. “Attention, everyone take your seats at your tables. Dinner will begin shortly.” 

Thank goodness. 

The table even had name cards. Heinz quickly snatched Monogram’s card and crossed out the last half of his name with a red pen, replacing it with ‘brow’. He also scribbled a smiley face with the tongue sticking out. Then he put the card back, giggling. 

Heinz wasn’t a bad guy anymore (loosely defined), but his pettiness would never go away. Perry could live with it. 

Carl flopped down in his chair, crossing his arms at Monogram. “You could’ve just asked.”

“I asked four different times, Carl,” Monogram retorted. He frowned at his name card. “Monobrow? Seriously?”

Carl high-fived Heinz. “Yes!” he cheered. “I love karma!”

Now was one of those times Perry was glad he couldn’t speak. Otherwise Monogram would find out that listening to Heinz say ‘Monobrow’ all the time occasionally made Perry call him that in his head too. 

“Hey, I consider Monobrow one of the best play on words I’ve ever made,” Heinz laughed. “I mean mono and uni are prefixes for the same thing, so the name still fits. Besides, I gotta be original here because making fun of that mustache is way too easy.”

“Making fun of that beak you call a nose is way too easy,” Monogram muttered. 

Heinz frowned. “Wow. You should really learn something more original.” 

The entrees arrived, several large platters of food being set in the middle of every table. The calamari had been delicious, sure, but one small plate wasn’t going to fill him up. 

Heinz grabbed Perry’s plate and scooped the mashed potatoes and chicken for him. Perry flashed a thumbs up and dug in. Monogram snatched the serving fork as Carl was reaching for it. 

“Rude, much?” Heinz whispered. 

Perry shrugged. He would take this brand of rude instead of the whole ‘humans are the superior species’ stuff any day. The sensitivity training Monogram had been forced to take was clearly not working. 

As they ate, someone came on stage on started talking about ‘unity’ and ‘integrity’ and a whole bunch of other ‘-ties’. Perry wasn’t paying attention. The food was too delicious for him to care about some stuffy guy giving a speech. 

And Heinz. It was hard to pay attention when his best friend was decked out in turquoise. 

And rocked it too. Not that he’d ever tell him that. 

Perry needed to figure out a way to thank Candace for accidentally starting the fashion trend. Ah, well. For now, he was going to enjoy the rest of the night.