#what do you MEAN clara is not allowed to be confused when a man literally CHANGED BODIES

[bearinabandana]

rewatching deep breath and I really really don't see the appeal in the pasternoster gang, they're just so annoying to me

[shebeafancyflapjack]

Deal

My brain was buzzing with too much angst that I couldn’t sleep so I had to write this out quick. It’s the equivalent of me screaming into a pillow except the pillow is my ship.

Yes, I stole the whole ‘bring them back via time travel’ bit from Twelve x Clara.

TW: Angst, grief, major character ‘death’, Michael takes words way too literal, sad one-sided Hellstrop, cute but problematic Cheleanor.

"You sure you wanna do this?" Gen asks, very little reluctance in her tone, detached as she is from real emotions.

Even other immortals are specks of dust to her. Maybe having an impartial sociopath in charge of the Universe isn't the best idea. Oh well. It's the best they've got.

Michael nods, resolute; "I'm sure. Just...explain to me how it will work again."

*

It's been almost a month since she left her house. He just wants her to get some air.

"If I agree to go to lunch, will you find a way to bring him back?" Eleanor sniffs, wearing one of Chidi's shirts.

He sighs for the billionth time.

"You know I can't..." he tries to stroke her hair.

She slaps his hand away.

"Then what is the forking point of you?!"

"Eleanor-"

"Big Boss of Heaven and you can't bring back one person?! The one guy I need to be happy here?!"

He takes a step back. He knows she's just lashing out because she's in pain. He can't imagine the pain she's going through. He only suspects it will be what he'll endure when it's her time to walk through.

All he wants to do is help her until then. He wants to see her smile.

This was everything he feared would happen when Chidi left. He isn't enough.

"It's not a place, really. It's just time. Time with the ones you love." Eleanor wipes her nose on his sleeve; "So if the ones I love are gone then this isn't really the Good Place, is it? It's just...Place. Not even Bad or Medium, just...nothing."

It's getting harder to ignore how deep her words cut.

"Is there anything I can do?" He almost begs, voice barely above a whisper.

He would try to hug her again if he didn't expect another slap.

Eleanor turns back towards the sunset at her window.

"Aside from giving me my boyfriend back? Yeah..."

He waits, ready for whatever it is.

"You can leave me the fork alone."

*

Gen rolls her eyes at having to explain it again. She summons a virtual graph with a line to show him.

"I pluck Chidi out of a previous timeline before he had his 'feeling' and bring him here. He's still content to stay around, him and Blondie can get back to getting it on and I get some peace and quiet." She tells him, "But I can't say how long it will be till he has that feeling again. It might hit him the same amount of time or maybe years later."

Michael waves that detail off; "He'll see how much she needs him and he'll stay. He shouldn't have left in the first place. Fork, I regret inventing the damn thing. What matters is Eleanor is happy."

"Oh I ain't doing this for Blondie, I wouldn't do it for anyone but that sweet bootie she's with. The Universe shouldn’t be without him."

And because she owes Michael a favor for saving humanity. That's why she's breaking the rules.

And Michael is breaking a thousand ethical ones.

It's all worth it if it means she'll smile again.

*

She hasn't showered in a long time. She should probably get on that.

Michael will nag her about it the next time he barges in. Maybe she should consider getting a lock. Who does he think he is? She's totally handling this.

Handling losing the man who made her feel complete.

How else is she supposed to handle it other than staying on their balcony, in his shirt, stuffing her face with shrimp while clutching her copy of Scanlon's stupid book?

Maybe she'll go for a walk after her shower. Maybe she'll-

"Hey, babe. You okay?"

Fork. Oh, fork.

Now she's seeing things. Things such as her boyfriend exiting the shower, that buff chest of his on full display above his towel covered waist.

Eleanor freezes. This. This can't be...

"Babe? You're starting to freak me out..." Chidi frowns, looking down as her fingers gently prod his chest; "...You didn't suddenly go blind, right?"

Her eyes water as she feels up his skin, his neck, to touch his cheeks.

"You're here?! You're real?!"

"I...Is this an existential thing? Have you been reading Descartes because, trust me, that's not the best idea before bed-."

Eleanor pulls him in for the most desperate kiss of her life, savoring the taste of his mouth, the feel of his lips on hers, in case it's the last time. Again. Fork, it feels real.

She pulls back a little, looking deep into his eyes.

"Are you gonna leave me again?" She has to know before she lets herself fall too deep for this.

Chidi looks confused as There; "Of course not...I keep expecting you to be the first one ready to leave me. I love you, Eleanor, you know I wanna be with you for as long as we can."

That's all she needs to hear. She's not sure how but...the son of a bench did it. This is her Chidi. It's not a suit or a simulation. If it is then she's grief-stricken enough to fall for it.

Just a bit more time. That's all she wanted. She wraps her arms tight around his neck.

"I love you too, babe. I just had the most forked up dream."

That's all he needs to know. It may as well be that for all she cares.

*

"One last time. You're prepared to pay the price?"

Michael looks at the familiar pin in his palm.

Everything you've ever wanted.

"You need a great surge of energy in order to manipulate time streams in parallel dimensions." He repeats her earlier words; "What better use of fuel than a demon's essence?"

"You sure you wouldn't rather toss me one of your old enemies from the Bad Place?"

He shakes his head.

If they're going to do this...This completely unethical and unnatural scheme...It has to be him. Anything for her. She asked for two things he could do to make her happy. Now she gets both.

"I see now why you marbelised Janet." Gen remarks; "No way she'd have let you go through with it. It won't be as painful as retirement but...It's just as final, pal. So long as that past Chidi is here, I’ll need your goo to be simmering away in that vortex...even after he goes through the Door. Time isn’t to be messed with easy, even for me."

He knows. But if the alternative is Eleanor alone, depressed and hating him then what does he have to lose? The afterlife council is pointless now. Tahani and Vicky are doing more than he could attempt to contribute anymore. His friends are gone...or no longer need him...or want him.

This is the closest he will come to finding his Door.

"You'll restore Janet once it's done? And explain why I had to?"

Gen sighs; "She won't be happy about it. Usually I'd feel confident handling a Janet but...She's something else."

He gives a small, proud smile.

"Yeah. She is."

He looks at the pin again, focusing on what good this will bring back rather than the horrifying thought of what awaits him.

It's worth it for her. Always for her.

"I'm ready."

He wishes he got to see her smile one last time.

*

She's still kissing a damp and topless Chidi when there's a familiar bing sound.

"Janet! Hey." She beams, not as stunned or off put as her blushing soul mate.

"Y'know what, I'm gonna get dressed. So glad we allow our friends free access to our house."

Eleanor gives that ash a pat as he goes off. She turns to Janet, grinning from ear to ear.

"Can you believe it?! It's really him, isn't it?" Eleanor grabs her wrists, seeing Janet's face bowed; "Who knows what Michael did but I need to see him now! I’ve been pretty crabby to him lately, ‘cause it’s been so hard coping with all this, but he’s made it all right now."

Her not robot friend is silent.

Damn. The little voice is back in the corner of her mind. Hello, old frenemy. 

"Okay, I know Chidi said he wanted to go and I agreed to let him go but neither of us knew it would hurt me so much. And this Chidi doesn't wanna go yet so it's all good, right? Whatever Michael did..."

She spots the tear run down Janet's cheek.

Eleanor's senses slowly make a comeback as the high of her wonderful shock evaporates, leaving her with realistic dread.

"...What did Michael do?"

Janet sighs, followed by the smallest sob. She presses something into Eleanor’s palm.

She feels the circular piece of metal. Her heart sinks before she even looks down at the engraved thumb pointing downward.

"He gave you everything you wanted..."

[lost-eternity]

Match up requests: CLOSED

Match up for @ lunar-calliope

Okie dokie. I match you with...

Since you never specified your gender preference, I am just going to match you with anyone I think would click the best.  Because I was kind of at a loss for anyone else. First I was thinking about matching you with the 11th Doctor as his personality type ENTP would mesh perfectly with your own. However, I feel like you two would work better as friends than lovers only because the Doctors are kind of... damaged. They all really need someone who is more of a hopeless romantic and boundlessly compassionate. The doctors would continuously push you away the moment they realize their feelings are slightly more than friendship out of fear. They would need someone to tirelessly pursue them and let's be real. Ain't nobody got time for that. And I feel like you are smart enough to recognize dependency and stay the hell away from it. Because if I am being brutally honest,  all of the doctors would make a horrible relationship.  They are far too traumatized and caught up in this game of endlessly trying to prove themselves to the universe, trying to justify that all of the lives they have saved somehow makes up for the lives they've lost. Right. Let's get started. 

Here is the thing about Clara. She talks. A lot. 

She talks faster than Matt Smith, which is an achievement in of itself and is the primary reason she was cast for the role.

So she is no stranger to the fast-talking rambling that you do when you get nervous.

As a matter of fact, she might even contribute to it

So now there are two people talking their lungs out and giving the Doctor a massive headache 

She is also the type to make crude or inappropriate jokes in the heat of the moment. So you really don't have to worry about being offensive around her. She is reflective enough to recognize the hypocrisy of taking offence.

However, your introverted nature and her extroverted nature would mesh very well

She does all of the talking, allowing you some time to hang back and think or reflect

Which works out perfectly for you.

~

Clara also has a sharp tongue and steely wit. If you pulled a prank on her, she would definitely do something in retribution. And if it is allowed to escalate it most definitely would until the Doctor or someone puts a stop to the childishness. 

She would be perfectly adept as exchanging quips and playful banter with you 

~

Although she does have a reckless streak. She is up for any challenge, no matter how daunting. And this carelessness can cause you to sprout some grey hairs worrying over her. You and Doctor would be in agreement over constantly trying to keep Clara in line.

However, with something to ground herself and hold her back, I feel like Clara would be a lot more careful than she was in the show. She was free then with no one to care for or worry about. With you, she would rein herself in because she knows that you are worrying over her

She also feels some level of protection towards you. 

~

Now let's address the elephant in the room. Clara is short. She is only 157 centimetres (that's 5"2 in American)

I am a huuuge sucker for height differences. Like the more timid tall one and the short little spitfire, trope makes me swoon.

And that is kinda what you two would be

And it is so cute

Clara would want to climb on you. Or sit on your shoulders or something but because she knows how you feel about your height, she will restrain herself. Because she cares ❤ 

Which is also why I believe she will be the one to help you get over this insecurity. She would remind you that you are beautiful every day, especially when you are feeling self-confidence 

Bitch, your height makes you look like a badass!

Embrace it

She says that one day you are going to be confident enough to wear heels. And she means it

~

Clara is a huge advocate for nature. She appreciates its beauty. After all, it was nature that caused her parents to meet. How could she notice have at least a begrudging respect for it? She wouldn't have been born if it were not for the trees

So she loves forests

And being the energetic little fireball that she is, would demand to go hiking. And maybe a home-made picnic when you've reached your destination 

~

But Clara is also boundlessly compassionate. As a companion of the Doctor,  she harbours a deeply empathetic nature behind those quips and bluster. 

Which I think perfectly dampens your more judgemental mindset. You would be the more cynical one, wary of those who you encounter. And Clara would be the one to have faith in their inherent goodness.

While I can see this giving rise to some conflicts,  I think that it is a necessity for you. You need someone to act as your counterweight and achieve that balance. 

Clara is your foil. You keep her grounded and logistical and in return, she will open your mind. She will help you work on dispelling preconceived notions and embrace the individuality of everyone 

This is the main reason I chose Clara for you. Rory was also a possible match but I don't have the heart to take him from Amy lol.

~

You two probably knew each other before. Although not well 

Maybe she was in one of your college classes. Or even an old student who attended the same High School

Regardless of what it was, you kinda thought that she was obnoxious 

Near constantly blabbering about once thing or another 

Kind of annoying really 

Anyways. You were sitting at your favourite cafe reading a rather engaging book when you heard a loud bang originating from outside. 

Curiously,  you peered out the window and noticed a throng of people running away...

So naturally, you went to investigate. 

Apparently, a phone booth had fallen from the sky and struck a car. Outside of it rolled an aged looking man and a rather familiar woman.

Smoke billowing from their poofed hair as it frizzed out around them in an untamed mane.

The woman whooped loudly, pumping her arms in the air, seemingly overjoyed

The man seemed completely distraught over the condition of the phone booth. The way he was acting, you would have thought that he had lost a baby

The woman turned to you, her eyes lighting up in recognition as she called your name

You were a little confused before you also recognized her. That maniacal glint in her eye, the Cheshire Grin. This was Clara. From school.

Great

Clara approached you, asking how you have been while the man stalked around his phone booth, buzzing some sort of glowing stick at it

You were kind of at a loss for words.

Like. This girl you haven't seen in literal years just fell out of the sky in a box and has the audacity to ask YOU how things are going 

You couldn't get a word out before the man approached, saying that it may take a few days for him to fix the TARDIS before interrupting himself to ask "oh. Who's your friend?"

Clara introduces you before you have a chance to introduce yourself. The man introduced himself as "the Doctor"

The egotism is not lost on you. It's kinda self-righteous to add a "the" before your own name. And then not even use a real name. As though this man were the only good doctor in the world

You never do get his real name

First, Clara asks you what year it is. When you respond, both she and the Doctor appear confused than relieved. Then Clara casually asks if they can crash at your place for a few days

And you are dumbfounded like. "Uh... no?" Clara, who you haven't seen in years, fell out of the sky with some rando-stranger,  for heaven's sake. 

You basically tell them no unless they want to tell you to want is going on

The Doctor, seeing no other alternative, explains what the TARDIS is and who he is

And now you are CONVINCED that these two knuckleheads are high off their asses

Apparently not because before you know it, Clara is dragging you into the TARDIS before you can even fight back

You were gonna start screaming for help but what you found took your breath away

"It's bigger on the inside!"

The doctor laughs. "I love it when they say that."

So your brain is understandable fried

Like. What?

You have to go out and pace around the TARDIS a few times before passively accepting whatever lunacy you had just gotten yourself into 

Meanwhile, both Clara and the Doctor watch you in amusement 

~

Long story short, you agree to let them spend the night while the Doctor fixes his little machine

What else were you supposed to do?

Two TIME TRAVELLERS appeared at your doorstep needing your help. You can't just refuse that... right?

So as the Doctor tirelessly worked on his time machine, you and Clara spent the whole night talking

She had so many incredible and quite frankly unbelievable stories to tell

Your earlier notions about her were slowing beginning to assuage the more she spoke

You couldn't believe that she would be foolish enough to take off and go travelling the universe with a guy whose name she didn't even know.

You two actually hit it off quite nicely and exchanged numbers to keep on contact 

The three days it took to finish the TARDIS came all too quickly for you

Although not quickly enough for the Doctor who apparently was damn near close to losing his mind due to staying stationary for so long

Like. It's been three days. Dude. Chill. 

Not only was he rash and egotistical, he was also impatient and had the attention span of a gnat. You were kinda wondering how Clara put up with him

Despite your qualms about the Doctor, you really did not want them to leave

These two people... well, one person and one alien, were the most exciting thing that has ever happened to you in your dull life. Everything you ever were excited for paled in comparison to the tales that Clara had revealed to you. It really put a damper on well... everything 

How could you be excited to go on a trip to Italy when you knew that there was an AMUSEMENT PARK on the dark side of the moon!!!! 

How could you be content living, working, and dying knowing that there are entire solar systems of intelligent peoples with cultures, festivities, and ideologies completely different to your own that you would never get to see

You couldn't 

It was simple as that

So you asked them if you could go on a trip with them

The Doctor adamantly refused, saying that it was best for you to forget you ever met them

You were persistent. Saying that you fed and housed them for three days. That is a massive favour. One trip would be the least he could do

Clara agreed with you and the two of you turned these adorable pleading puppy eyes on the Doctor

He finally acquiesced.

You were absolutely ecstatic 

~

You three went to a faraway solar system and participated in some kind of elaborate festival which quickly turned awry 

Clara had to give up her most prized possessions to please some kind of God

And the Doctor? The doctor would have died if it weren't for you and your quick wit

You are actually quite handy to have around

So the doctor, upon dropping you off, promised that he and Clara would occasionally swing by to take you with them

But warned you not to get too involved. Those that do often end up dead or worse. Usually worse.

~

Well. For a time traveller, the Doctor has piss poor time management skills and it is years before you ever see him and Clara again

Clara apologized profusely as she blamed the Doctor for screwing up the time dial thingy again 

To make up for the lost time, you three embark on a lot of adventures in quick succession of one another

This is when you find yourself beginning to fall for Clara

You become a staple companion of the Doctor and Clara but unfortunately, fate can be quite cruel

~

As it turns out, Clara is set to die

She has to. It’s a fixed point in time

Of all the moments you thought you were going to lose her, this one scared you the most

The Doctor and you did everything possible to change the timeline, nearly breaking it in the process

But it did not matter. Clara was supposed to die.

And as her heartbeat its last beat, you found yourself deeply regretting all of the hours spent with the Doctor. Because if it were not for him, Clara would be allowed to live 

Well. If it were not for him, you would have never met...

The Time Lords themselves had to step in and fix the situation. Because the Doctor had managed to extract Clara the moment she died. She technically was dead. Her heart no longer beat. But her mind still functioned. Rendering her practically immortal..

As a last-ditch effort to save her, the Doctor vowed to erase her memories. 

Panicked, Clara reversed the polarities of the sonic glasses and ended up erasing the Doctor's memories of her. 

She turned, ready to do the same to you but just couldn't manage 

Instead, she broke down sobbing.

The two of your abandoned the Doctor, taking his TARDIS and going back in time to steal a previous edition of the TARDIS. Before the chameleon circuit broke down. 

You dropped the Doctor off somewhere safe and then with your own personal TARDIS, travelled to Nevada

Clara admitted that she still had to die. And it would be wise to return to the Time Lords and allow herself to be returned into the time stream, meeting her final death

You were absolutely devastated

But Clara assured you that she had some wiggle room. The two of you could "take the long way around". She did not have to go immediately 

At this realization, you smiled.

She was right. You were in no rush to return to Gallifrey. Why not enjoy some sights along the way?

And that was how you scored your own TARDIS and began to travel the universe, Clara by your side. You two had the craziest adventures and remained by each other's side until you withered from old age and died.

Clara, being technically immortal, hadn't aged a day. But she had a lifetime to come to terms with your future death and solemnly returned to Gallifrey. 

She did not speak a word as the Time Lords showed her to her final resting spot. The last thing she uttered was "goodbye, y/n" before returning herself to the void

And finally meeting death 

Wow. Why are my Doctor Who matchups always so depressing?

[hopeishappinessff]

Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 40

Chris

I walked the perimeter of the yard today, rather than sitting up under the tree like I’d been doing since they released me to the outdoors during recreation. The need to make my life as normal as possible these days was greater than ever and in order to maintain the newfound normalcy, I decided it would be best to rotate my daily activities so I didn’t become complacent like majority of the crazies in this place. Every day on my way outside for recreation was like déjà vu… they all sat in the same places, in that same room, doing the same shit. Sitting on the old tarnished couch in front of the dated television screen nibbling on strands of hair, bundled in the middle of the floor Indian style rocking back and forth while humming quietly, or sitting off in the corner having a full blown conversation with nothing but a blank wall as if it were a group of people… that’s all they ever did and it’s what I refused to do. It was bad enough that I was in here, but I refused to be mixed into the stereotype of an insane person, so I made sure to change up my habits to keep myself going… and sane.

I hadn’t seen Dominica since the day I almost blacked out on her under the tree and truth be told… that was one huge reason I’d been recently steering clear of that very spot. I felt the strongest pang of guilt every time I laid eyes on it so I made it a point to stay as far away from it as I could. With my hands wedged down into the pockets of my sweats, I kept my gaze to the lush green grass beneath my slides and nibbled relentlessly into the corner of my bottom lip. Somehow I managed to allow myself to get lost in the thought of what life would be like when I left this place… if I left this place. One thing I would not allow myself to do was dwell on the thought of getting released early. After the horrific turn of events at the preliminary meeting Dr. Stevenson had set up with the committee, I was one hundred percent positive those people would not okay me to leave and I wouldn’t dare let myself cling to even the slightest possibility because I knew all I’d do was get my hopes up only for that ruthlessly evil bitch and her posse to crush the shit out of them. The thought alone was just a black out waiting to happen, so I lightly shook my head as if it would force the thought away and continued my leisurely stroll.

“You’ve been avoiding me haven’t you big bird?” Quickly lifting my head and turning to the left, I spotted a familiar short statured girl ambling my way with her hands behind her back and her head tilted slightly as she peered up at me. She wore a mischievous smirk that was contagious enough to have me smiling back and slowing in my tracks to give her time to catch up.

“Hi Dom… how are you?”

“Don’t ignore my question monsieur, where have you been?” She probed as she quickly fell into stride beside me and playfully bumped her right shoulder into my arm.

With a soft chuckle I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders “I’ve been here.”

She glanced up at me as I pointed at my head and lifted a brow questioningly “You’ve been in your head?”

“Yeah… trying to get my mind together.”

“What’s wrong with your mind that’s got you feeling like you need to get it together?” She asked curiously.

“Dominica,” Without thinking I slowed down in my wide strides and eventually stopped altogether and looked over at her, “The last time we were together, out here at the tree…”

“You almost had a black out…” Her ability to complete that sentence caught me completely off guard and I frowned at her while she simply stood there smirking back at me.

“You’re a lot like my dad you know, you’re just a bit more handsome… and a lot nicer.”

My brows naturally twisted with confusion and after standing there smirking up at me for a bit longer, she eventually shook her head and sighed “I know that you’re bipolar… amongst other things. I kinda assumed it when I first met you, but that day out here at the tree confirmed it. The characteristics are much too similar to ignore.”

“You think I’m crazy now, don’t you?” I mumbled with my head hung shamefully low.

Taking one step closer to me, she latched a tiny hand onto my left shoulder and smiled “Did you not hear the part about you being a lot like my dad, only a lot nicer? You’re like a breath of fresh air compared to that man.”

Lifting my brows with surprise and raising my gaze to meet hers, I cracked a sheepish grin and blew out a light gust of relief “Thanks Dom.”

Like the bold little character that she was, Dominica hooked an arm around mine and tugged me forward to continue our walk around the perimeter “You do know that you’re still in a mental institute, right? It may be pretty invalid and pointless to ask anyone in this place if they think you’re crazy.”

“Hey man, I’ve barely comes to terms with my conditions. I kinda think I’m crazy, so I figured anyone who knew all that I got going on would think the same.”

“You’re such a hoot.” She giggled.

“But I recently found out some interesting news though.”

“Interesting like good… or bad?” She quizzed. In all honesty, her question was one I’d been asking myself lately… was the news of Dr. Yates wanting to have me released early good or bad? Was the thought of going back into reality to face the life that’d landed me right where I stood today… good or bad?

With a sigh, I shrugged lightly and stared straight ahead through squinted eyes “I’m not sure, honestly. My therapist has started the process of an early release. She wants me to go home to my mom to finish out the remainder of my eight-month program.”

I stopped walking abruptly then, because Dom was no longer moving beside me yet her arm was still linked to mine “You can’t decipher whether or not that’s a good or bad thing?”

“Dom…” I sighed.

“Your therapist is trying to grant you an early release from this hell hole… and you somehow can’t figure out if that’s good or not? Hmph, maybe you are crazy man!” She huffed unbelievably. For all of two seconds I frowned at her outburst, but when I caught her smirking up at me as she shook her head, I couldn’t contain my sudden urge to return the friendly gesture.

“I don’t know… I just… I feel like a menace out there in the real world and I’m sort of afraid to be unleashed.” I snorted with a sense of humor, but… I knew that humor never quite reached my eyes. I could tell that just by the way she continued to stare up at me, her playful smirk slowly drifting into an expression masked in sorrow.

“You’re not an animal Chris… no one is unleashing you. If this is something that your therapist has recommended for you, because she has all the confidence in the world that you’ll be just fine out there… you’re not being unleashed. You’re earning your right to walk out of here as a free man because you deserve it.” There was the most genuine glint in her eyes that made me think for just a moment, that maybe… me leaving this institute wouldn’t be so bad. And maybe, just maybe… it would actually be exactly what I needed.

 --

 I wore a suit today, only because my mom made me. I didn’t really care much for Dr. Stevenson’s opinion and I especially didn’t care for her unnecessary persistence in the topic of my wardrobe on this particular day. For completely technical purposes, I could have shown up naked as the day I was born just to piss her off because I hated the thought of her telling me what to do… even if it was just a suggestion.

But, I wore a suit today… because today was judgement day. Today was the day that I would sit in front of that panel of committee members and quietly learn of my fate. And today was the day that evil bitch Clara would make it her life goal to fuck it all up for me and make it a point to lock me away for years, if she could. I don’t know that I’d ever been so nervous in my life. My body naturally woke me up at about four a.m., as if I’d managed to get much sleep to begin with, and when breakfast rolled around the nurses had to force me to down at least a piece of toast so that I could take my morning pill without throwing up. I think I may have even successfully managed to give myself arthritis because I cracked my knuckles literally every few seconds… I was that nervous.

The thing was, I didn’t want to be in this institute any longer. I had already made a deal with myself that if they didn’t allow me to go home now, I would simply become a total mute and never leave the confines of my room again. I tried to tell myself not to get my hopes up about an early release and to actually just forget about the hearing altogether, but the closer the day got the more I actually ended up obsessing over the entire situation. I wanted to go home, no… I needed to go home. I could not handle another day in this crazy people prison and the moment I woke up this morning, I prayed like I’d never prayed before. I mean I literally rolled out of bed and landed on my knees then remained in that position until the morning nurse came around to gather me for breakfast. And even as I strolled quietly alongside her, my prayer never stopped.

With a nervous stare that darted all around the cold and unforgiving room, I sat slouched in my seat and mentally battled those internal butterflies that fluttered so wildly in my gut I was almost positive I would throw up at any given time. In the same order as before, my mom sat to my left and Dr. Stevenson sat stiffly to my right. Eze was somewhere on the premises, but as politely as I could I requested to my mother to keep him the fuck away from me. After their little revelation about him funding this entire thing for me, I was actually fully prepared to write them both off but somehow I managed to set that petty thought aside because even his bitch ass couldn’t cause me to be upset on this day.

So there we all sat, waiting for the committee members to take their place at the long table across from us. They filed in slowly and chatted amongst themselves on their way to their seats as if it was just a completely normal occurrence to sit down for a few seconds to determine the fate of someone’s life then go on about their business. I mean, I’m sure it was totally normal for them to do just that… I was sure they probably ruined lives on a daily basis, but I was not prepared for them to sit down and ruin mine.

Dr. Stevenson may or may not have been as nervous as I was… I honestly couldn’t tell from the stiff way that she sat in her chair beside me, because she seemed to be uptight and stiff like that all the time. She kept her stare trained straight ahead and if I wasn’t mistaken, I could even feel her tense up for a split second. Glancing briefly in the direction her eyes were, I quickly refrained from frowning at the exact thing that had her tensing… my favorite committee member of them all had just taken her seat. Unlike the preliminary hearing, today she actually smiled and… was she even laughing? She was… she was laughing at something that the man by the name of Roger had just mumbled quietly amongst them. In a way, seeing a smile on her evil face sort of creeped me out… but I wouldn’t lie and say it didn’t give me just a flicker of hope for the outcome of this day.

“Good Morning everyone.” Lizette, the Hispanic lady who had taken her place to Clara’s right, stood and gave a polite greeting, “Today we are gathered to offer a final verdict in the case of Mr. Christopher Brown. Today, Mr. Brown, will determine whether your time here at the Institute is complete.”

First, I was surprised that she stood up to give the opening remarks and second… I was more thankful than ever that she did. I was actually even hoping that this somehow meant that Clara wouldn’t be speaking at all today and that thought alone gave me just a sprinkle of hope that maybe, just maybe, there was a light at the end of this long dark tunnel.

“We will not make this some unnecessarily long drawn out process. We have done quite a bit of deliberating since the preliminary hearing in order to come to a united decision. I’d like to begin by briefly discussing my opinion regarding this case,” Pausing for a moment, Lizette inhaled a small deep breath then smiled warmly at me and my mom, “Joyce, as I mentioned previously, I am a mother and a grandmother. My children and grandbabies mean the absolute world to me and without them I truly believe that I serve no purpose in this life. My children… I am absolutely confident that I raised them to the best of my abilities. I believe that I did everything in my power to ensure the best possible future for all three of them and though there have been several bumps in the road along the way, there is not a single soul on this planet who could tell me that I am not the best mother to them. I, like you, am a single mother… and I have been since the day my last child was born. See, you and I Joyce… we are heroines. We are the true testament that women are a rare breed and some of the strongest and wisest creatures on earth.”

“You are a wonderful mother Ms. Joyce Hawkins and you have raised a wonderful son. The young man that I see sitting beside you here today is a product of you, which makes him one of your greatest creations. You carried him for nine months, you bore him, you raised him and your daughter single-handedly and you did a magnificent job. You have every right to be proud of him. Not all of the decisions that he will make in this life will be the best. He will hiccup constantly along the way, but by human nature he will learn from his mistakes and he will pick himself up and continue on. He may not be perfect to every single person that he crosses paths with in his life and he may not be perfect to each of us committee members standing before you today, but if your boy is perfect to you… then who am I to stand here and tell you otherwise?”

With one last warm smile that swept once again from me to my mom, Lizette stepped back and took her seat. Almost halfway into her speech I could hear sniffling at my side, but in order for me to remain sane throughout the duration of this hearing there was no way I could turn to my mother and watch her cry. I did, however, reach over and pluck her right hand from her lap and grip onto it, which unmistakably left her whimpering softly.

Focusing my attention back on the panel straight ahead, I watched as Roger stood from his seat and cleared his throat “Dr. Stevenson, when you initially requested the early release of Mr. Brown and we began the process of analyzing his file and studying him as a whole here in the Institute, I truthfully didn’t have much confidence in your decision. In the initial stages, I was completely baffled as to why you so confidently believed that this young man would be suitable to be released back into society. He seemed destructive, he seemed angry, he seemed completely detached from the world and everyone in it.”

I turned my head as this man spoke, because there was no way I could have been prepared for him to stand there and talk about how stupid he thought Dr. Stevenson was for suggesting that little ole crazy me be released early. But, was he right though? Yes… I believe he was. I was crazy… I am crazy, and I couldn’t possibly deserve to leave this joint early let alone at all…

“But, the more we studied his case file… the more we studied him, the more I began to understand that… this may not necessarily be a place for him. I’ll be frank here, Chris is a great kid and he has a big bright future ahead of himself. From graduating high school with full scholarship opportunities from Universities across the country, to beginning a successful life at the University of Georgia and focusing pretty fruitfully on his studies and his career as a basketball player… there’s nothing bad about that, is there? As Lizette said, he may not be perfect to me or anyone in this room, but he was just perfect enough to someone out there who believed in him enough to give him a chance to make something of himself… and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You’ve obviously battled your illnesses for a major portion of your life young man, but I commend you for not allowing them to stop you from stepping out into this rather grim world to become someone. And I wish you well on all of your future endeavors… I’m a huge fan of UGA and I can’t wait to see you back on that court next season son.”

After his speech took a surprising turn for the better, I looked back up at Roger just as he went to take his seat and I didn’t miss the quick wink and smirk he sent my way. I wasn’t sure what was happening in this room today, but whatever it was it left my heart fluttering and my hands sweating with anxiety. However that didn’t stop my mom from holding onto my hand and actually squeezing the life out of it, because clearly her nerves were just as frazzled as mine.

Next, the older white lady stood with her hands crossed regally in front of her and a tight-lipped smile “Well, it seems as though my fellow committee members here have already discussed a good amount of what I had in mind to point out today, which isn’t a bad thing at all. If you haven’t figured it out by now Christopher, we see your potential. You are not a menace to society and we recognize that whole heartedly. If you were a menace, believe me there is a place out there for you… and that’s prison. During your time here at the Institute, we’ve monitored you as we do every single patient and if we haven’t concluded anything else... it’s that you are indeed a very intelligent and kind young man. You just happen to possess an entity that is out of your control and that is in no way your fault. With continued support from your therapist Dr. Debra Yates, I am one hundred percent confident that you will do just fine out there. And more than anything I am confident, as your mother expressed in our last hearing, that you will be a wonderful father to your children. As a matter of fact, I am certain that if nothing else those babies will give you something to press on for. The way I see it, they need you just as much as you need them.”

Smiling a bit brighter after delivering her speech, she sat down and it seemed the moment that she did, a layer of tension washed over the entire span of the room within an instant. I was almost certain that everyone in the room had to be thinking the same exact thing… it was now evil bitch Clara’s turn to speak. Though I was thrilled and utterly surprised to hear what they all had to say, I had to admit that I was more concerned by what this woman had to say… because I’m sure she was fully prepared to stand up and deliver the most negative speech she could.

��Christopher… Ms. Joyce… before I stand up here and deliver any sort of speech, I must first apologize for my conduct in the preliminary hearing…”

Those words, everything she’d just said, stunned me. I’m sure the shock was written all over my face as she smirked down at me and glanced over at my mom.

“The other members here, they often suggest that I consider a different and perhaps less invasive and aggressive method, but… I believe whole heartedly that it wouldn’t be as effective any other way. I think that I can honestly speak for everyone when I say, Christopher… you do not belong here in this facility. You are not an active murderer, you’re not a cold and heartless serial killer, you’re not some unstable terrorist who desires nothing more than to kill for sport. You are simply a young man with an optimistic future.”

“What happened in this very room before, truthfully was merely a test. You have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and dissociative personality disorder, which if simultaneously triggered just the right way can be quite deadly. The idea was to spark anger and rage within you that day and it was very critical for you to react exactly the way that you did. I know that it was difficult for you… the goal was to make it as volatile as possible in order to push you to your absolute limit. Through the entire charade I paid very close attention to the way in which you closed yourself off from the situation and maintained your focus through it all. I applaud you for that Christopher and you must know that from here on out, it is imperative that if ever you find yourself in any type of overheated situation, any type at all… you always maintain your focus to the best of your abilities to avoid losing yourself. I trust that you will be able to do just that out there on your own… I trust that you have learned the proper methods to calm yourself when the time calls… and I trust that you will be an incredible father to your two little ones. As you heard here before, you are not to blame for the cards that life has dealt you. You should not be punished and feel banished from the real world because this is a part of who you are.

With shock worn boldly on my face, my eyes trained and unblinking on this woman who must have been bipolar herself, I squeezed my mother’s hand perhaps harder than she’d been squeezing mine throughout the duration of this life changing speech… and held my breath “And with that being said, Mr. Brown… on behalf of my fellow board members and the Northern Virginia Mental Health Institute, I wish you well in your future endeavors and I hope to never see you again. Your contracted program here at the institute has hereby been terminated. Good luck to you and your family… and Godspeed.”

[hellostarlight20]

Tau Theta 16/16

This is it. For this story. Rose and the Doctor’s story is far from over! Thanks for reading!

From wikipedia: In ancient times, tau was used as a symbol for life or resurrection, whereas the eighth letter of the Greek alphabet, theta, was considered the symbol of death.

Part of We Are Never Alone, but can be read as a stand alone 50th rewrite. (Established Ten/Rose relationship, no Master arc, Rose and Martha are BFFs, the River Song arc was taken care of, love, shagging, and family. There, you’re caught up!)

Tau Theta: Rose thought she was meeting her daughter’s new girlfriend when she blinked and ended up on Karn right as the Eighth Doctor was about to drink from the chalice the Sisterhood of Karn offered him.

Time is in flux, people are trying to change the Doctor’s timeline, and Rose refuses to allow any of that. Even if she has to fight all her Doctors to stop it.

Awesome pict below by @fadewithfury for the equally awesome @aeonish, both of whom agreed to let me use it for this story. A million thanks to Mrs. Bertucci for the beta!

AO3 and TSP

16.

 Rose landed inside the TARDIS, or maybe not landed but—something else. She didn’t remember leaving the TARDIS and how would she have? And anyway, the Doctor assured her not even the hoards of Genghis Khan could get through those doors.

 Why was she thinking like that again? She hadn’t left the TARDIS, she—

 Frowning, Rose looked around her bedroom, the muted rose-colored walls, the plush carpeting she loved to sink her toes in. Her mobile sat on the table and she snatched it up, glancing at it, but no call from Mum or Mickey.

 Confused, she smoothed down her shirt, the new one she wanted to wear with the Union Jack, grabbed a jacket, and stepped for the door and their latest adventure. Just then the TARDIS shook and she raced from her room, down the hall, and into the console room where the Doctor already awaited her.

“What’s the emergency?” she called as she bounced off a coral strut.

 “It’s mauve.” The Doctor said this as if she knew what he meant.

Narrowly avoiding an eye roll Rose repeated, “Mauve?”

 “The universally recognized color for danger.” Again with the dribbled on her shirt comment and this time she did roll her eyes.

 “What happened to red?”

 And so began their latest adventure.

 ****

Bow-Tie-Wearing-Doctor-Who-Traveled-With Clara stepped into his TARDIS, Clara right behind him. He turned to look at her, watching her for the last time. Well, the last time as this man, in this body. She grinned up at him, seemingly unaware of what was about to happen and—

 The TARDIS doors closed—

 “Where to, Old Girl?” the Doctor asked the empty console room.

 He adjusted his bowtie, feeling oddly lost for a moment in his own TARDIS. Looking around the spiffier, fancier interior than the one he remembered from when he first regenerated after the Time War, he wondered where—

 But no one else stood in the room, who had he expect?

 Huh. Hadn’t thought about that desktop theme in ages. What made him do so now? The Doctor shook his head and set a course for the Vortex, and why were they out of the Vortex in the first place? He thought of the Time War every day, those last moments, the isolation and loneliness, but not necessarily what pressing that button did to his TARDIS.

 Shaking himself, a feat that now jangled his arms and legs far more than any previous incarnation, the Doctor double checked the TARDIS’s readouts and patted her console.

 “We’re all right, aren’t we Sexy.” He winked up at the Time Rotor and turned for the living quarters and his family.

 Welcome home, my Doctor.

 ****

Flat-Haired-Pinstriped-Doctor stepped into his TARDIS, his last hope that the timeline he just left really did dissipate into the far corners of the universe. That he didn’t lose Rose, his hearts, to an alternate dimension even if she still had him. A him. That Jenny hadn’t died. That Donna remembered him. That Martha’s life wasn’t ruined.

 That—that—that—

 He vanished.

 ****

Doctor-Who-Traveled-With-Jenny opened the door to his TARDIS, Jenny right behind him. Neither looked at the other, both knowing that this timeline, the one where they spent centuries searching for Rose, had successfully been erased.

 “I’ll drop you off at your TARDIS, eh?”

 “Dad—”

 “I know.” He turned to look at his daughter and—

 The TARDIS doors closed—

 “Where to, Old Girl?” the Doctor asked the empty console room.

 He adjusted his bowtie, feeling oddly lost for a moment in his own TARDIS. Looking around the spiffier, fancier interior than the one he remembered from when he first regenerated after the Time War, he wondered where—

 Huh. Hadn’t thought about that desktop theme in ages. What made him do so now? The Doctor shook his head and set a course for the Vortex, and why were they out of the Vortex in the first place? He thought of the Time War every day, those last moments, the isolation and loneliness, but not necessarily what pressing that button did to his TARDIS.

 Shaking himself, a feat that now jangled his arms and legs far more than any previous incarnation, the Doctor double checked the TARDIS’s readouts and patted her console.

 “We’re all right, aren’t we Sexy.” He winked up at the Time Rotor and turned for the living quarters and his family.

 Welcome home, my Doctor.

 ****

“Doctor!” Rose called to the man who was and was not yet her husband. The world muddied, sloughed around her what had to be time slowing. She reached for Her Youngest Doctor even as she felt Her Doctor’s hand around hers.

 Time tugged at her, a suffocating weight Rose fought through. She had to save the Doctor, had to—

 Then she blinked and looked around the TARDIS. “I’m home?”

 The next second, the Doctor—Her Doctor—stood before her. His hands cupped her face and his eyes, wild and oh so alien—frantic and angry and dangerous—met hers.

 “Rose. My hearts, are you all right?”

 “Yes.” She kissed him, pressing her lips frantically to his. “I’m all right. I’m fine.”

 The clamoring in her head eased, whether from being inside the TARDIS, their TARIDS, or she landed or appeared or whatever back in her correct timestream. Either way, her family’s shouting eased though she still needed to contact them and see her children with her own eyes.

 “Doctor.” She wrapped her arms around him and held tight. “Are you all right?” She pulled back and ran her fingers through his hair. “What happened?”

 He didn’t answer right away but kissed her again, deepening the kiss, desperate and hungry. Rose lost herself in the kiss, in the feel of his body, the familiar spark of his touch.

 “Don’t ever leave me again, my hearts.” The Doctor breathed against her mouth, forehead pressed hard to hers. “Please don’t.”

 “I didn’t mean to leave you now,” she joked softly and pulled back. “What happened? How’d we end up back here?” Rose frowned. “How’d I end up there to begin with?”

 “Time Storm.” He said it so confidently she believed him. “It scooped you up and spit you out on Karn.”

 Well, almost believed him. “Why me? Clara sat literally right next to me and wasn’t scooped up.” Rose narrowed her eyes. “Unless she was, and you didn’t tell me.” Her stomach dropped, and her chest tightened. “Is that why Jenny looked so sad? Did something happen to Clara?”

 “No.” The Doctor brushed her hair back and offered a slight smile. “She and Jenny left in Jenny’s TARDIS to find everyone else. Check on them.”

 “So I was the target.” Rose let out a slow huff of breath. “By the Sisterhood?”

 The Doctor’s eyes darkened, forcibly reminding Rose of his younger self and the anger—and hopelessness—there. “No.” For all his anger, the word slid softly over her. “I don’t think so. I thought so, it seemed that way, who else would take you?”

 “They wanted me—us—” Rose shook her head. “They didn’t want us together, they wanted—” she swallowed— “if they wanted to stop us so badly, if they wanted to make sure our children were never born—h” her voice lowered into a growl and she sounded much like the wolf the Sisterhood accused her of being.

 “If they wanted all that, wanted to change time or history or both, then why try only once? You were right, well younger you, when you said they had the entirety of the Time War to find you. Why didn’t they?”

 “I don’t know,” the Doctor admitted. “Maybe they were trapped on Karn, I don’t remember hearing much about them during the War. In fact,” he said slowly, eyes distant. “I don’t remember hearing about them at all.”

 His eyes met hers. Bleak and broken, despite their years together and the healing Rose hoped she brought to him. She grabbed his hand and threaded their fingers together, keeping that physical touch they both so craved. They didn’t need it anymore, not to communicate, but touch—hand holding—had been their first foray into intimacy.

 She tugged him against her and kissed him hard, only pulling back when she felt him relax. Hands gentle on his, Rose led him from the console room door and toward their bedroom.

 Once there, Rose walked onto their balcony, now overlooking the calm, pink waters of Jahoo, where they married so many years ago. Silent, shoulders easing now that they’d returned home, Rose sat on the chaise and pulled the Doctor down with her.

 They took a moment to arrange themselves, Rose leaning against the back and holding the Doctor to her. He needed the comfort—frankly she did as well. But she hadn’t disappeared from right outside their TARDIS, and she’d always been with the Doctor.

 Rose tightened her arms around him as he settled his head on her chest, directly over her single heart. She ran her fingers through his hair and closed her eyes. The comfort worked both ways.

 “Do you remember that?” she whispered into the silence.

 Their curtains fluttered gently in the breeze, the faint scent of the salty, flowery, and mildly poisonous, ocean soothed her. Rose looked at the pink sunset and opened her mouth to ask the TARDIS to change the scenery. Back to Gallifrey.

 She closed her mouth.

 “Do you remember me being on Karn?” She asked instead, running her fingers through the Doctor’s hair. “Do you remember seeing me on Gallifrey, in that cabin, with all your…all the others?”

 Rose bit her lip and tried to erase the images of Her Youngest Doctor. The broken, angry man who ran with her on Karn, held her hand though he didn’t know her, stood beside her. She swallowed tears and took a moment before she trusted herself to speak again. The Doctor hadn’t said a word, but she felt him relax in increments.

 “Do you—” her voice broke and Rose swallowed hard, but the next words came out in a choked whisper— “do you remember what happened?”

 She hadn’t wanted to ask that. Rose wanted to know what he remembered about being there, what happened after, anything other than that.

 “I remember being on Karn.” The Doctor captured her hand and kissed her fingers. “I remember running through the tunnels, out of the cave and for the TARDIS.”

 He threaded their fingers together and rested them on his chest, holding her tightly to him. The Doctor turned slightly and looked up at her, his brown eyes devastated. “I don’t remember you, my hearts. I never questioned why I ran through those tunnels or why I was there in the first place. I had a lot of memory problems in that regeneration, but—”

 The Doctor broke off—broke. He choked on a sob and clutched her hand. Rose pressed her lips together on her own sob, but then the Doctor sniffed and drew her down, holding her close on the chaise.

 “You didn’t remember me,” she whispered, absurdly distressed over that. “What happened after—after—”

 The Doctor tightened his hold on her and kissed the top of her head. “I stopped the Time War. Ended the Daleks and the Time Lords.”

 Rose shifted around to face him. She wrapped her arms around him, eyes closed against her own tears. “I wanted to be there for you.” She swallowed but the move only made her throat ache more. “I never wanted you to be alone.”

 “I know, my hearts.” The Doctor kissed the top of her head. “I had to do it. I had to—” he sucked in a breath— “there was no one else.”

 “There’s me.” She held him tighter and kissed him hard. “There’s always me.”

 Eyes glittering with tears, the Doctor nodded and tucked her head against his chest where his double heartbeat did their best to sooth her.

 “What about the Sisterhood?” Rose jerked back. Eyes wide her mind frantically reached out for her children. “Are they—did they—is the planet—” she couldn’t finish the sentence, unable to voice the destruction she both feared and wanted on that planet.

 What kind of person did that make her? To want the entire planet destroyed because that woman, the high priestess or whoever, wanted to wipe her children from the universe?

 “They were caught in the wave,” he admitted. “Karn was too close to Gallifrey, too much a part of events—no matter how I tried, I couldn’t—” he looked up at the ceiling eyes closed. “Like Women Wept, Karn is frozen in time, every living thing on the surface destroyed.”

 “I’m sorry.” Sick to her stomach at the idea, but weak with relief over her family’s safety, Rose swallowed several times and waited for the nausea to subside.

 “I know. I know.”

 They lay like that for a long time, wrapped around each other in the safety and comfort of their bedroom on their TARDIS. Rose might’ve dozed, so content and relieved after the running adrenaline of the day.

 “Why would the Sisterhood want our family wiped from the universe?” she asked, half awake, half asleep. Rose blinked open her eyes and focused on the Doctor. “Why our family? Or, rather, why yours? Did they hate you that much they wanted to wipe you from the universe?” A shiver danced over her skin, but she forced the next word out anyway. “And how did they know about Bad Wolf?”

 “Bad Wolf isn’t linear. And the Sisterhood, they’ve always had—well, not magic per se, but they see timelines in different ways than Time Lords. Call themselves seers.” He snorted but that tension had returned. Rose ran her hand down his back, up to caress the bare skin of his neck. “I don’t know what they saw that made them want to change the universe so drastically.”

 “They wanted to destroy my family,” Rose spat. “I don’t need Bad Wolf or timelines to know that’s why I went back. To save our family.”

 He did smile then, the faintest twitch of his lips, but after a moment it grew to that half-smile and his eyes softened. “You might not have all the power of the Vortex running in you, my hearts, but you’re still a snarling She-Wolf.”

 Rose laughed, as she knew she was meant to, and kissed her husband softly. “Let’s find our daughters.”

 “In a minute.” The Doctor rolled onto his back, legs hanging off the chaise, and pulled her to him. Rose rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes. “I want to hold you.”

 “Forever,” she whispered.

 “Forever.”

[onlyonewoman]

A little essay about lgbt representation & expectations

Lots of people, myself included, wants more M/M moments than just Flint's memories in BS, for a lot of reasons. One of them is we want Flint to find love again, another is that it's not unreasonable to expect M/M relationship in the story, considering the pirate society's very liberal view on homosexuality. (If you're a BS fan who somehow missed the term "matelotage", look it up).

What some people get a bit irritated at, is that we've seen a lot F/F scenes - and of course M/F scenes - while M/M relationships are not shown, despite the fact that they were not only accepted but also celebrated amongst pirates.

Up until now, I've been thinking that perhaps the authors - who clearly know pirate history better than most people, because this show is one of the most historical accurate ones I've seen in years - didn't add F/F moments but left out M/M moments because F/F moments are far more accepted to "the common" viewer and a very easy way to add some hotness into a show.

I admit, even though I'm bisexual, that I got a little bit tired of the F/F and the F/F/M scenes, because lets be honest: we're so used to those kind of scenes most people who're not true homophobes and haven't lived under a rock the last ten years, hardly think it's a big deal with two women having a hot time together. It sometimes seems as if lesbian sex on screen is alright, simply because a lot of straight men are used to see "lesbian" - BIG fucking marks here - sex in pornos and by that used to see two women together as an act that's fine as long as they're allowed to watch and enjoy.

And as a bisexual person who doesn't really identify with any gender, I think that's just fine. I enjoy M/M and F/F but I very rarely appriciate F/M scenes (we're talking sexual or romantic scenes) in a show because it just bores the hell out of me. I often identify more with men - not always, but quite often - and even though I'm bisexual, I've always felt more comfortable with men for some damn reason. M/M moments in a show is therefor the romantic/sexual moments I ironically enough feel most "represented" in. That's where I can picture myself, even if I'm a biological, bisexual woman who's not TS. My gender identity is very fluid.  

Alright, lets return to the show. Used as I am to the F/F stuff used in so many shows these days, it didn't take long before I actually sighed at the F/F relationships, Max/Eleanor and Max/Anne, thinking "here we go again, showing off tits and pussy in F/F moments to make the straight male audience happy and not that I don't like how it's done, but this is fucking boring". Later, when I read about the matelotages I got even more irritated, since being gay clearly wasn't a problem in that society so where the fuck were the M/M couples? And then the major character turned out to be a GAY MAN, I mean hellooo?! Here we have a society allowing and celebrating M/M relationships while there's no records showing any female matelotages so this seemed... weird. And damn frustrating for a person with my gender identity.

But when thinking about it, Clara Paget said in an interview that Anne's relationship with Max can't be public. And I also remembered what happened to Max when Vane used her to get back at Eleanor. We actually don't see any romantic relationships among the pirates (we leave Silver and Madi out for now and since Miranda is "hidden" and remains a mystery for Flint's crew, she's not seen as Flint's official lover or wife). Vane and Eleanor are in a constant battle for power, emotional and in lack for better words political, while Anne and Jack have an unbalanced relationship where Anne, with Max entering their lives, suddenly finds herself in a very strange situation where she has a deep need for Max, she's "crazy about her", but Max is not a romantic person - honestly I think it's the men who're the romantics in this show - and the relationship M/F/F triangle they share, is not something that ANY of them, especially not Jack, takes easily. And we never gets to see the M/F/F threesome, which is just awesome, because it's not the sex that's interesting, but what's happening inside all three of them and especially Anne.

So yes, we do have a M/F/F relationship in the show, but the way it's performed, is very far from the usual "hot eye candy scene" we've seen in, for example Game Of Thrones and especially Spartacus, a show that, by the way, has one of the best M/M relationship and M/M sex scenes since the original Queer as Folk came out in 1999. (A show I ordered on import VHS from a gay magazine and wasn't allowed to put in the VHS collection by the telly, because my mom thought it was too obscene.) Yeah, think about that, folks! Growing up having to order a damn import VHS where you couldn't understand half of what the actors were saying because you were sixteen going on seventeen and British accents in fast speed with no subtitles were a bitch for a teen who mostly just needed to use English in English classes and while trying to understand music lyrics.

DVD:s were still new, Youtube, Facebook and Netflix didn't exist and the number one search engine was AltaVista. Computers were something not even all middle class families used, Internet costed money by the minute and finding a website for LBGT people to connect was something my generation was the first to experience in our teens. To even think that a F/F or M/M couple would have sex AND a relationship on screen in a show or film that wasn't specifically about lbgt issues and made for an lbgt audience was just something you didn't count on. At all.

Since I realised my gender identity and sexuality both were "different" in my early teens - the word I used back then because I didn't feel I could fit in any category - I read all the lbgt stuff on the library I could find. And when I'd finished it, I read it all again, and again and again. I waited in excitement for the soap operas I followed with minor lbgt characters, living on a kiss for days and watching re-runs on Sundays or recorded it. Believe me, if anyone knows how it feels to not get what you want from shows and movies, it's me - and all the other lbgt people in my age, not to mention older.

When it comes to Black Sails and the lack of M/M moments, I feel divided. On one hand, as a person growing up in a time where a show like Black Sails was unthinkable, I'm so grateful for the fact that this show has a gay head character who - and believe me, I've watched so many M/M movies and M/M moments from shows over the years, so I know what I'm talking about - is not a stereotype. I loved the fact that we got to see so much more of Flint before his secret love was reveiled. That the show makers refused to make a stereotype of him or Thomas. Seeing the comments from straight men being anything from shocked and confused to pissed off when their badass ginger captain turned out not to be straight was amazing - and also a proof of just how important it was to not be too in your face with Flint's sexuality, to make people love/hate/care for the character in a way that made it impossible for all people - except for morons and homophobes - to dismiss him or label him. And that's some damn good character writing.

Since the pirate community was very sexually liberal, and definately when it came to M/M relationships, I'm a bit disappointed that the show has not showed us that. We see no molly boys (male whores) in the brothels and the word matelotage has not been mentioned at all. That's a shame, I think, because this is literally one of the few places in history where M/M couples were actually getting married. And that's fucking huge! I didn't know about this before I looked it up and I've been a part of the lbgt community - and is a history nerd - for eighteen years.

To me, the lack of M/M couples as well as the large amount of F/F scenes in Black Sails, is a disappointment since we both have a gay male character and the time and place the show takes place in, makes M/M moments common. To not see that part of the pirate society's sexual freedom, but see F/F scenes when those must've been far more rare than M/M relationships, considering the hypermasculine environment the pirate community was, is the one thing I could maybe see as the show makers either being blind to or maybe dismissing due to the fact that they know M/M relationships are still something that unfortunately makes a lot of people, and I guess especially straight men, annoyed rather than excited. Tits are an easy way to make people interested and I can't blame the authors for realising that and using it to their advantage. I'm disappointed, but I still understand them.

But the eighteen years that's gone since I ordered Queer As Folk and struggled to understand the fucking accent without subtitles, have made me think of the difference in what I and the lbgt people I knew in late nineties and early 20th, expected when it came to representation. I'm white and lbgt, but saw a lot more black people than lbgt people - and the first ever TS person I saw that wasn't presented as a joke or a dragqueen, was "The Crying Game" from 1992. A movie I didn't get my hands on until 2003.

What I want to say with this post, is not that we should be content with less M/M couples than F/F or F/M couples, not at all. But we need to see Black Sails for what it is: a violent drama in a time where M/M relationships were punishable by death in most "civilized" places. James Flint is not a person who's free from those chains. That, I hope, is clear for anyone who's not slept through this show.

Despite what we think he deserves and what we know about the sexually liberal pirate community, Flint is not a person driven by the feeling that HE deserves love. And the last time he let go of the shame, the man he loved died (as far as he and we know) and if not all, so at least a huge part of James McGraw, died with that love. Even if Flint did love Silver or Billy or any other man, is it really reasonable to expect him to put a person he loves at risk once more, considering what happened with Thomas?

As sad as it is, Flint not letting any man near him in mind AND body again, should not be a surprise for us. And since Madi and Silver has a relationship and Flint probably is aware of how he, whether he intends to or not, seems to drag people down into his darkness. Since Silver is also aware of that and has even spoken openly about that concern directly to Flint, is it really reasonable to expect any of them to risk such vulnerability in that time, place and situation they are in?

Black Sails is a drama and perhaps one of the best historical shows I've ever seen, both when it comes to the story, the characters and the historical accurency. Not giving us a Silverflint, Blint, Gunnbones or Thomasflint relationship would feel sad, I'm the first to admit that. I almost always identify with men and I fall in love with and feel connected with men easier than women, so to me as a person, I would need an M/M relationship if I'm to feel "represented" at all in a romantic and/or sexual way.

But does that mean that the show needs it in order to feel complete? Honestly, I don't know since it's still four episodes left and the show has surprised me in every episode this season to a point where I find it almost impossible to foresee what's going to happen.

And I HATE to sound like a smug older person dismissing younger peoples as entitled millennials as if I'm not a product of my time as much as anyone else. People said the same things about my generation as well, that's how humans are and the last thing I want is for people to be content and grateful for breadcrumbs when the loaf is within reach. But what I wish, as a person growing up in a time where a show like Black Sails had been impossible and you still went to a store to rent a VHS movie (including porn) and you hardly dared to hope for a M/M or F/F kiss in your favourite shows- and if you did, there was likely no one you could share that wish with because coming out was a big fucking thing and you didn't take any chances - please, if you've experienced Youtube, Facebook, Google, Tumblr and downloading sites in your teens and/or early twenties, remember those who, like me, couldn't take even a M/M kiss for granted.

The kind of free spaces to experience and share your love and desires the Internet revolution has given us, didn't exist for us. I was a teen when thw word "queer" was still an insult and Russell T Davies said in an article that it was time to take back the word queer and not letting it be an insult, that it was time for a show where lbgt people weren't portraited as depressed individuals in constant battle with themselves, apologizing for our existence and longing to fit in with the heterosexual norm.

Reading those words meant a lot to me and if you're in your twenties or a teen reading this, trust me, there've been so many changes since a seventeen year old me read that.

So, as a soon to be 34 years old, non-binary, bisexual person who knows more than well how frustrating it is to not feel represented or get what you want from a show when it comes to sexual and/or romantic relationships, I would like to just remind you that striving for more diversity and better representation, shouldn't make us forget that not very long ago, a show like Black Sails with a gay male head character and all the different relationships and personalities shown in the show, had been un-fucking-thinkable. We're not talking seventy, fifty or even twenty years.

With Black Sails we have three lbgt characters who have major roles: Flint, Max and Anne. Non of them are stereotypes. They are all more than their sexual orientation, more than their relationships and when the show is handling their orientation and love interests, it's always complex. It's the same thing with the straight relationships. Anne/Rackham, Vane/Eleanor, Miranda/Flint, Silver/Madi and Woodes/Eleanor are not typical straight romantic couples at all and we should remember that.

If the show ends without any M/M moments then yes, I will be sad about that. But I don't think the reason for not adding it, is because of the creators being narrowminded or wanting to please a straight crowd. They've showed us over and over again that Black Sails is something more than a show about pirates doing pirate stuff. Not giving us a relationship that suits a modern person's view on M/M couples in a show taking place in the 1700th doesn't make the creators cowards, narrowminded or queerbaiting.

And this show has never been a tale of romance, no matter what we want to read into glances, touches and tone of voices. Will I be sad if I don't get an M/M moment? Of course. But, just to once again look back in history, not nearly as sad as all the real lbgt people in that time - and also in some places on earth in our time - who faced a very real death threat for loving someone of the same gender, or breaking the norms of gender roles.

Black Sails is their history and their time, and James McGraw has suffered so badly for breaking the heterosexual norm, he lost a part of himself. To count on him even to dare and reach out to another man easily again with that loss, guilt and grief inside him, is to not see the whole character.

We wish him that happiness, as modern free people with empathy should, but can James Flint allow himself to take that chance again? Is it really realistic to expect that? And if he can't, does that really make Black Sails a less good show? My answer to that is just: hell no.

[barmecidc]

asexuals, platonic relationships, shipping & the media

Something that really frustrates me (esp as an aro/ace) is seeing non-canon (but totally are canon shh) ships. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a sucker for a good ship (especially a slow burn with a great storyline) but a lot of the time I see things like “they can’t just be friends”, “look at the way he looks at her”, “there’s obviously something more than just friendship”.

Romantic relationships are not worth more or less than platonic ones. Someone could bond and really connect with someone and truly love them, but their relationship is purely platonic. It hurts seeing so many things saying “more than” or “just friends”. No type of relationship is worth more or less than another, purely based on the type of relationship it is.

Males and females can be friends. They can be best friends. They can be soul mates. They can be life partners. They can be all of these things while still having a healthy platonic relationship. It's normal. And I think that always having male/female relationships in shows/books/movies/etc always end up to be “more than friends” just adds to this whole assumption that romantic > platonic and male/female friendship = “something more”.

These ideas are actually harmful and confusing to aspec/arospec people. We already have to grow up thinking that we’re broken or immature or just waiting for “the one” and this is adding unnecessary pressure to get that “ideal life”.

I (a female) asked my parents a few weeks ago if I could meet up with my (male) friend. They completely freaked out because they assumed we were dating or at least one of us likes the other (which is funny because neither of us is into the opposite gender in “that way”). My parents don’t allow my male friends to sleep over and this year will be the first year I’ve even been allowed to invite guys (who aren’t family members) to my birthday party (I’ll be 16).

It’s so normalised that male/female friendships automatically mean “something more”. From a young age, my family always refer to the young boys in our family as a “ladies man”.  We are told that boys/girls have cooties and to stay away. We are told that boys pick on girls because they like us. We get a little disgusted by the opposite gender a lot of the time, but are then told (by the same people most of the time) we’ll “want a boy/girlfriend someday!”, one day “we’re going to want to kiss a boy/girl!”, if we’re seen with literally anyone from the opposite gender, we get the whole “oooohh are they your boy/girlfriend?”

Society is so stuck in its allonormative ways that everyone just assumes that two people who are of opposite the gender and are close are dating. Because that’s normal. Because “they got friend zoned”.

!! JUST LET PEOPLE BE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE WITHOUT IT BEING A BIG DEAL !!

Some examples of ships that people do or did always say “they’re more than friends” (yes I’m aware that some of these are canon):

Bellamy and Clarke (The 100)

Raven and Murphy (The 100)

Harry and Hermione (Harry Potter)

Dan Howell and Phil Lester

Clary and Simon (Shadowhunters/The Mortal Instruments)

Troye Sivan and Tyler Oakley

Clara/Amy/Rose/etc (pretty much any female companion) and The Doctor (Doctor Who)

Gwen and Merlin (Merlin)

Gilbert and Anne (Anne of Green Gables/Anne with an E)

Lydia and Stiles (Teen Wolf)

Sherlock and John (Sherlock)

Veronica and Reggie (Riverdale)

and so many more

I am in no way saying that shows/books/movies/etc can’t have male/female relationships (platonic or romantic or whatever) nor am I saying that shipping people is bad (I, myself, am a big shipper) It’s just painful sometimes when you ship two people and the entire fandom are saying “they have something more than friendship”. But what’s more than friendship? Best friendship?? It’s totally okay to ship people. But I’m just so tired of the lack of stronger-than-everything platonic ships (especially the male/female ones)