#what do u guys think abt the style on this one? same process as my new pfp

[paintpanic]

My buddy @voiddemon's Fluff gijinka!

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

u can never have too many au ideas (aka the cursed-sun/moon au)

(im copy n pasting this from discord bc im lazy sorry y'all fsjhf)

other au idea: Sun is a ruler or lord in a fantasy world or smthn and Moon is the form he's been Cursed into turning into each night. Reader is a low-tier magic-weilder (who has a secret past that involves smthn rlly Bad and they used to have a reasonable amount of respectability in th community but now theyre shunned and cant get a job anywhere and also has a big scar and/or only one eye lol) who's one remaining ability is the ability to lift minor curses or plagues. Sun has been searching for someone who can 'bless' the curse of Moon (or whatever is making Moon be nasty murderous bloodthirsty man) for ages but mages r rare and most of them spend maybe one night trying to cure Moon before either getting got or being scared into getting tf outta there

so eventually word reaches Sun of a mage who's been looking for work, with the only catch being that they arent very powerful and no one has much to say abt them, and Sun, who has burnt every single thread he has trying to find a mage, is like GOOD ENOUGH CALL THEM HERE

and reader is like 'oh shit this is potentially a rlly good job, the only catch is that i have to deal w a demon possessed guy thats like twice my height and three times as strong,,' and like. bc they have Zero Options and also feel like their life has run itself into th ground and there is little left for them/no way to get themselves out of their Issues, they r like 'yeah sure its gonna take a while bc i can only perform minor magic but i'll do whatever i can to see that this curse is delt with'

and instead of trying to face Moon head on, they start with just kinda,, getting to know him. he's kept chained/locked away in a chamber every night to keep ppl safe, but every night reader goes into the chambers, sits at a tea table just out of his reach, and just. talks with him

they dont entertain his trying to mess w them, taunting, cruelty, etc, but they talk when there's the chance for standard conversation. at first it's hell bc Moon is a little shit and he never cooperates. he never answers questions, he spends the entire night threatening to tear them apart and savor their insides, etc. they bring him a cup of tea every night, and every time he smashes the cup and throws the pieces at them

ok well point is eventually Moon starts to mellow out around them, will actually sit and have conversation with them, one day is like 'you think i dont know what youre doing?? youre just trying to bore me into falling for ur trap so u can kill me. i like ur style but its not gonna work >:3'

and reader is like 'i literally do not have enough magic to kill a toad let alone a whole entire possessed person' and moon is like ',, huh. so what IS ur goal here??' and reader is like 'i want to lift ur curse for both u and Sun's sakes. i gave u my word, and i will follow through, at the very least to clear my own conscience of a past sin'

and so eventually Moon, out of curiosity, and later bc he likes spending time with reader, starts letting them cast the healing magic on him, breaking the curse little by little every night

and at the same time all this is happening, reader is spending mornings and evenings with Sun and keeping him up to date on how the process is going and, eventually, becoming the person he turns to when he's stressed or tired or rlly just wants company

and idk smthn smthn eventually both of them rlly want Reader and they dont know how to act so they just b making fools of themselves but reader is a dumbass so theyre just confused

(Moon absolutely tells Reader abt every 'oh man i rlly wanna kiss kiss snuggle smooch the mage rn' thought Sun has during the day but Reader is so used to Moon being a little shit n making shit up to mess with them that they r just like ._. )

the plot twist part,,

(the secret dark past that reader is hiding is that they used to be a local mage for a nearby town who was known and respected for giving 'blessings' to ppl for small fees but one day for Reasons, they cast a curse upon someone and one of the biggest no-no's a mage can do is Curse someone so the town practically rioted, tore them down from their pedestal, called upon another mage to strip reader of their magic, and then cast them out)

(rn im considering the idea that the person reader Cursed is Vanny, who, because of her own curse, eventually went on to be the one who cursed Sun and Moon)

[mobblespsycho100]

👍psychoanalyze ur kabru playlist now boy

yes I shall #1 boykisser... 🫡

ask game thing

anyway formatting the last post was kinda hell for me. which is why I'll do the same exact formatting for this one...

(rambling all over the place is commencing)

1. Valley of The Dolls by MARINA

baby. where do i freaking begin.

"In the valley of the dolls, we sleep" -> his adoptive mother, Milsiril, is a big fan of collecting dolls. Like, plushies of everything. She animates them to fight, but they're also there to soothe her. She also adopts a lot of children from short-lived races who don't have a family and she got allegations that she treats them all like her dolls lmao... I mean she kind of does in the sense that they're all precious to her. She does respect their autonomy but uhhh still living with such a doting and overbearing/overprotective mother makes u wanna break outta the dollhouse the cage . be free . hashtag transgenderism also gosh im getting off topic . anyway i bet Kabru slept with a lotta those dolls. in his comfy bed . that he left behind because hes not abt that life mama he wanna see the world and save it and get killed in dungeons. boy.

"Got a hole inside of me / Living with identities / That do not belong to me" -> Grouping these lyrics together because it makes sense for my twisted narrative i mean my very real and based takes. Anyway, he's got a hole inside of him the void in his heart (in his mind) and thats why. his autism and ptsd masking swag. thats as eloquent as i can put it. theres a lot more i can say though

"In my life, I got this far" -> He survived the tragedy of Utaya his hometown . the bloodbath because of the dungeon. It has to be for a purpose ™ . It's because he has to save the world from suffering the same fate and it's his burden to bear it's his purpose it was why he survived (the survivor's guilt... goodness man. trauma processing of all time. :[ )

"Now I'm ready for the last hoorah" -> boy . letting these panels speak for itself. putting it under the cut because spoilers for the peeps seeing this maintagged and they're not caught up with manga .

yeah boy hes falling. fallen. uhm. in the pit. Ready for the last hoorah in this case like. yeah 🤣 just leaving it up to laios (Liar . kabru and mithrun dungeon adventure speedrun)

"Dying like a shooting star" -> guy keeps dying. not even like a shooting star really. well. ig hes going out in style somewhat id getting crushed by Falin's chimera dragon claw counts as shooting star style

2. Lip Sinking by The Hoosiers

We all know Sash does not play about The Hoosiers which is why I have 26 damn The Hoosiers songs on there I should get awarded tbh .

Now Lip Sinking is really good because it's another one of those scammer / masking guy anthems i keep talking about. These lyrics in Verse 5 in particular is really easy to match to Kabru's character moment™ though, so let's break it down.

"I float above my body" -> Common depersonalization experience. For trauma reasons, Kabru probably feels like this a lot sometimes but specifically in this scene...

(apologies for no alt text peeps . but this is the friendship confession scene for those in the know if it hasnt loaded in yet)

anyway, back to the show (psychoanalyzing Kabru) . I think this disconnect with his words VS his thoughts and his heart is so real. Like. seeing urself out of ur body is again a depersonalization thing, and idk if hes feeling depersonalization in this moment specifically but he was really out of it and in a sort of , scrambled and intensely anxious state. His usually calm and cool persona slash facade is Crumbling and man he hates that .

"Must be out of my mind / Cos I watch myself / Getting it wrong everytime" -> He's like. man what the hell am I saying

letting the page speak for itself again because It's like. its there i mean its in tha text what am I supposed to dissect hes dissecting himself already 🤭😭 okay. 'What am I saying' 'I can't find the words' so true man idk what the hell im saying either rn

"I can't tell you how I'm really feeling" -> because he doesn't know his own emotions. He thinks he does, he has been so good at controlling them and like being fake about what he's truly feeling in his heart, adjusting his personality for others' sake. So they trust him, believe in him, listen to him. But for Laios, how does he even say anything? Before this, the words just spilling out, he didn't even know how he felt about Laios. It sounds ridiculous even to himself and that's why he clamps his mouth afterwards but indeed it Is what he was truly feeling all along... (and then Laios thinks he's lying and hes like "NO BITCH!!!? what?!!!?! im being vulnerable and honest rn?!?" )

"Cuz I'm just lip-syncing" -> for so long that's what he's been doing. lip syncing, saying things he doesn't really mean to influence others' perception of him... but this time his mouth moved faster than his mind racing with thoughts. that he's able to convey what he truly wanted all along and finally admit to himself and his own consciousness. like. aaaahgh. man hes so special to meeee....

bonus: the outro's lyrics is rlly good aha. he can finally say what he actually feels... he can be #real.

3. Allies or Enemies by The Crane Wives

This one is . a lot of vibes I think.

"Are we allies or enemies? / This will be the death of me / This will be the death of me" -> He legit says this to Laios . like hes still wondering if they're allies or enemies . Technically he doesn't want them to be enemies. he's cautious but he knows Laios isn't really a bad guy but like, his mind just keeps fixating on Laios and the steps he takes to get the dungeon under control so. hes desperately trying to figure it out because goodness this guy is so. waugh

"All is fair in love and war, but I can't fight with you anymore / This will be the death of me" -> his mental conflict is sooo tasty to me. like . all is fair in love and war !!! any method is justifiable !!! means justifies the ends but also he understands that in the end he can't fully wrap his head around Laios' love of monsters but he knows that Laios will be the one to conquer the dungeon because he also loves his family. He can't fight with him anymore and he can't "kill" him anymore because somehow this man has wormed his way in. well, he never wanted him dead in the first place but I find that he often thinks about killing him to save humanity from his... well. freakishness (complimentary) (concerning sometimes) ;;; but in the end Kabru lets him go and is willing to trust and support Laios till the end ... also once again the repetitiveness of "this will be the death of me" because he's stressed as helll!!!!

"What happens now, do we have another go?" -> I think this is post-Marcille being talked down out of being dungeon lord . Kabru's probably like ok so now what. well. Laios goes its my turn with the dungeon lording 😭😭 (and shit goes down) (but its okay he got it covered)

"Do we bow out and take our seperate roads?" -> Now this is probably when they're (the whole gang) is like "WHERE'S LAIOS DID HE DIE?" no he lives guys its fine. and namari toshiro and kabru run at him in relief. wauh. and also ofc the whole people coming together to eat faligon meat and save Falin ... yippeee... so yeah they don't go seperate roads because Kabru is like yeah imma be Laios' pr manager . #royaladvisor . sticking with him fr fr

"I'll admit I had my doubts / But I want to be let in, not out / But I want to be let in, not out" -> again the repetition ... of him wanting to help. I've mostly been talking abt how this entire song is Kabru's conflicted thoughts @ Laios but this can also be Kabru lending a helping hand to Mithrun at the end of everything. Because he's the one to like help Mithrun realize that there is a purpose to living and like . new desires and ppl who care abt him... but also yeah Kabru "i want to be let in, not out" because he wants to help out Laios with running the new kingdom instead of being in the background again and being ignored ahhaa he wants to be friends for real (and maybe even . lovers. lets go gay people)

ANYWAYYY YEAH THATS THE END WOOOOO idk how to close this out. happy belated birthday kabru and ty juno for sending this in ajshjdhsb :33 ♡

[termagax]

sometimes people do ask me for advice on how to love their own art more and i always feel bad that i dont have very good tips. but i think the thing that helped me get so comfortable is that my own art is all super self-indulgent, so when i want to look at content of like, my ocs or whatever, i HAVE to look at my own stuff. it means i look at my own art a LOT, and i have an intense fondness for the subject matter, so it helps me feel better looking at it. even the ones i dont so much like i can smile and go but my friend is here!!!!

combine that with a naturally very analytical eye. i am the Noticer i always notice every detail in my own art and the other art i look at and with a lot of time and practice i have a pretty good sense of critique that i dont invest a lot of emotion into? like you guys have seen me blab abt my pieces before i notice every shortcoming and its just a matter of a)accepting that the piece needs to be finished at some point regardless of if i can fix it and b)knowing what to do better on next time. it also helps to use that eye to look at VERY old art and compare it to what you do now. i love looking at art from when i was like. 12-17 and comparing it to current stuff, you can see the foundations for a lot of what i do now and it really helps to get a benchmark for how much x amount of time will do for your skill. im especially fond of doing year-gap comparisons, youll see me post all the time abt what i was up to this month last year because i think a uear is the perfect amnt of time to see my art grow. close enough that a lot of the process is more or less the same and you remember making them but distant enough tjat there is marked improvement and visible change. being able to see your progress REALLY helps u feel better imo, it gives you a sense of "if this is what i did this year, imagine where ill be NEXT year"

thats the other thing i do is like..my art is ROUGH its messy and fast and i like it that way. it makes every piece lower stakes because i know i can just do it again. or finish this one whenever i feel like and move on to something else. or come back in three weeks to change something. im not very precious with my work. i keep everything in one massive file and take grainy screenshots of my program to post stuff and i have no file organization and i regularly lose them on accident to autosave failures and other such stupidness. but i think u have to break that sacredness in order to lower the stakes for yourself. it helped me overcome a lot of my art anxieties and self loathing when i just accepted that like. if i rlly hated something in my sketchbook i could just tape something over it. or tear the page out. if a drawing isnt going well i can just delete the layer or erase the whole thing. its not sacred and messing up isnt the end of the process, yk? this is also why i try not to spend more than like. 2 hours on any given piece. because then i sunk cost myself because i Have to see it through and then i push out a picture i dont like just because i felt like i Had to finish it.

in general just try to notice when your art makes you feel bad and investigate the source of those bad feelings and try to mitigate them. i always burn out when i try to "finish" a piece "properly", so i stop working on something once i stop feeling it. i hated looking at my own work so i only drew things that made me happy to look at. consistency in style/process bores me so i dont bother with it. your art is FOR you. you are the only audience that matters. the process has to be fun or you wont ever want to do it. GO FIND THE FUN

[checkers-dance]

i come to report on my Thoughts on ateez. ok so here's my method for getting into kpop groups: i watch their music videos and if i like what i hear, i sit down to listen to their albums. if the albums convince me, i go into parasocial mode. it's A PROCESS. ANYWAY, we are past the first stage and i'm happy to say ateez has passed the vibe check. my favorite song by them is the real. like i love guerrilla, but the real just feels so grand and epic, it makes me want to go out and fight a war. and the music video is SO cool, a bit weird, but i love it so fucking much. this song gets me so hyped, i love it so much it makes me wish it was longer even though it really doesn't need to be.

their songs have always been good but their more recent releases are especially to my taste, which makes me excited for whatever they're gonna release next.

i gave some of their live perfomances a watch and they are really good on stage, they have great energy. it's super engaging to watch them.

a lot of their songs are clearly meant to be danced to and i like that, i like songs with that energy even if i don't listen to it to dance. the only real problem i have with their songs is that i think some of them feel kinda repetitive?? they have this very signature style that i can so easily see coming and it's only relatively recently that i think they've started to get more creative with it. like it makes them very recognizable but i think there's ways to do that while still sounding unique (guerrilla is very ateez sounding but it still feels really distinct and interesting).

anyway. ateez good, i think.

So I stumbled upon some ateez lore a few days ago accidentally and I think it ties into what u mentioned abt guerrilla feeling rlly distinct from ateez's other works. I was looking at eden (the composer and singer) bc I liked some of his songs and I was curious abt his discography (I think the composer and singer are the same guy? Idk I haven't looked at pictures). And then I discovered that he apparently composed a lot of ateez's songs, esp the ones that u'd associate w their sound (off the top of my head, wonderland, pirate king, promise, stuff like that). And I also specifically looked for guerrilla or other songs from that album, but I couldn't find them. So I'm wondering if ateez switched composers for some reason? Anyway thank u for the update and yay for ateez clearing the first stage

[oikawas-bae]

Hi! I was wondering if u could do a one shot/scenario/whatever u want with oikawa and a female s/o? The S/o is watching one of his matches when a guy tries to hit on her in the stands who she ignored at first but soon found it creepy. She runs downstairs w the guy trying to chase her when they bump into Seijou coming out from the gym after the match. I hope it doesn’t sound too confusing? You can write it however makes u think fits best. Thank u sm ❤️Can I just say that I love ur writing style?

I recently saw this exact request given to someone else and idk if I was the first to be asked or not but either way, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE refrain from double requesting!! Other writers have said it and I’ll say it again: it’s disrespectful! I realize that I take a millennial to write things but that’s just how I work and I ask that you be patient with my writing process bc I really do take time to think of a request and seeing someone else already have written it makes me not want to write it. I’ll still write this one but I won’t be very thorough abt it. Again, please don’t double request!! If it’s an emergency req (which I don’t take) then go ahead, but if you want me to write it then wait, I’ll do it eventually.

you were watching Oikawa’s match at the spring prelims and there was a man standing a few seats away from you that kept stealing glances at you. At first, you assumed the best, thinking your lively cheering had just captured his attention but that was definitely not the case.

He had that look on his face. One that wasn’t just curious or amused, there was a hunger in it and it was honestly uncomfortable.

But guys like this don’t actually act out, they just observe right?

So you ignored it.

Near the end of the match you were feeling a little parched from all the cheering you were doing.

You left the match just a few minutes before they were done. Given the 17-point lead, Seijoh was going to win anyway so you allowed yourself to skip the end of it to grab a drink from a vending machine outside.

Looking through the assortment of drinks, you thought you might as well get your boyfriend, Oikawa, something as a congratulations before you celebrated at his house with the team later.

You spun excitedly at the tap on your shoulder, thinking it was Oikawa and being ready to smother him with hugs but it wasn’t Oikawa.

It was that man again, the same repulsive look on his face, like he would take you into his white van and drive away with a maniacal cackle. “Hey beautiful, why don’t you let me take you out for something better than just some cheap vending machine drinks? Whaddaya say, eh?”

You blinked a few times and did a double take before confirming that he was indeed talking to you. O crap…

He might’ve been harmless but like hell you were going to spend your precious time with someone so suspicious. He didn’t seem like the type to say no by the way his eyes were scanning you so thoroughly.

You made a quick run for it downstairs, where you knew the team would convene after the match. And oh did you hope the match was over.

The guy was on your tail and you could hardly look where you were running until you collided with a sturdy body.

“What’s wrong, (y/n)?” The graceful, angelic voice of Oikawa never sounded more sweet. He wrapped an arm around you, thinking you were simply excited to see him but then he looked up to see the man with a questionable aura. He was obviously ogling your body.

Oikawa pushed you behind him and glared at the man, “Don’t you have something better to do than to prey on girls? This is a volleyball competition, not some place to pick up women. Get out of my face before I send you packing.” This man had no right to look at you that way.

The man rolled his eyes and acquiesced, walking away in defeat.

“I could’ve dealt with the guy myself but I was kinda cornered…” You were sheepishly looking down and didn’t catch the earnest frown etched on Oikawa’s face until he put his hands on your shoulders and then pulled you into a protective hug.

“If there’s ever anyone like that again, I’ll deal with them. I already can’t stand anyone even looking in your direction for more than a second. I’ll ruin someone’s life if that’s what it takes to protect you, (y/n).”

[unproduciblesmackdown]

The opposite of your last post for the ask meme! Like 1, 5, 9..

thank you lol sorry it took me a minute to get to posting these answers......i also skipped a couple that got asked previously via answering all primes lol

1: What inspires you?

hm well just basic stuff like “being in a good mood” lol or “being hyped up by friends” or “having reason to be particularly excited about something” which is all like, factors that Contribute Energy......learning about stuff / trying something and discovering like oh i’m Into this thing, or that for whatever reason something turns out to be more within reach / doable than i might’ve thought, like, hey i wanna get on this maybe.......~creatively~ it’s great to like, see other ppl’s art, and while i’ve sure been Inspired by professional artists, overall i’m more like, influenced and motivated by seeing the styles / specific works of Online Randos like me.......i also Draw to create [self-indulgent (usually fairly) niche fanart which is also probably gay and is all the time of characters i like] so like, the Stuff I Wanna Make Fanart Of (which has Whatever characters i specifically would like to draw lol) is sure directly Inspiring in that way. i’d say i never had that experience of like, ppl being kids and seeing some [distributed work in a certain art medium] like oh i want to make my own [distributed work in a certain art medium] as in like, i wanna publish a book, i wanna make movies, etc, but i guess i Did b/c i was like elementary school age in the early-to-mid 00s and experienced some instances of online fanart like :o :o wow damn ppl can do that?? just be a rando drawing fanart and sharing it w/ other people online???? and today i am living that dream, so good for me lol. and also i’d like to shoutout marge simpson anime, which is a particular piece of Online Art (technically fanart even lol) which was like, unusually Motivating as a single work of art lol, i made a notes app fanart like immediately and then a way more “painterly” piece of fanart that was v directly inspired by it lol.......and i was sure Drawing It Up last last winter when bmc 3.0 was impending / happening, b/c i got into like Just in the dec before, so that was Fresh, and then bam the Content is happening concurrently and as soon as we even just learned that jeremy has glasses i immediately spent like honestly 25 consecutive hours making fanart for that exact Inspiration. we didn’t even know abt the hello kitty shoes yet!!! and naturally im not out here for stats or clout but it is Inspiring when ppl enjoy the stuff i make and let me know one way or another. [tag comments that express enthusiasm in any way.....Appreciated]

9: Do you trust people easily, or do people have to earn your trust?

i have to say i am wary! that’s in part just like, a default anxiety defensive mode lol. but it takes me a hot minute (aka weeks....or months.....) to realize when someone like, would like to be friends or something, so while i can be Friendly and Outgoing w/ people like, immediately, i’m not picking up relationships left and right that are close enough that i’d particularly talk about “trust” or whatever. i’m not necessarily Distrustful either lol, it’s more just like, again re: the constant wariness thing. it is not unlike a cat lmao i vibe with them lol i Get that [approach]....and there’s been times i’ve been like “hmm i sure do Not vibe with this person ever and am not comfortable around them / interacting with them to any extent beyond occasional casual interactions that i don’t super enjoy. that’s me being overly anxious and failing to be personable i guess!!” and then that person Does give that reason down the line like oh, actually, that eternal uneasiness was warranted :/ damb

21: How does someone become friends with you?

yknow i was like “didn’t i Also answer this one previously” but it turned out the question i was thinking of, which i Had answered, was “how does someone become important to you” lmao.....same diff

tbh it’s kind of an arduous process lmao like. first of all i am Bad about initiating shit, and a lot of times will like, be wary of Directly Interacting with people for a while b/c i am also Bad At not being too passive / unwilling to assert anything so like, if someone’s regularly interacting with me but i’m not into it / Eventually Realize i’m not into it, it’s that thing again where my main strat is [v gradually sidle away] lol and just find it difficult to extricate myself from interactions / relationships and so that plays into me really feeling like i have to have some real confidence that i’d get on with / vibe with someone Before i start significantly interacting with / getting involved with them which....is also difficult natch lol like. can’t rly get a great feel for what someone’s like w/o talking to them.......but then if i Distance myself at all at any point will that be taken as rejection or whatever.......and then anyways say i Am talking to someone, then it’s like, also i’m just not fantastic at casual conversation always and that stage where you don’t know someone too well and talking is mostly a Polite Ritual and it’s like oh god don’t mess up, respond Normally lmaoo......i am nervous. and i also have a tendency to just naturally try to make an interaction go smoothly than immediately prioritize / feel comfortable busting out My Personality lmao.....so then even if ppl are responding well enough it’s like ah jeez i know we’re all performing always but have i shown them What I’m Actually Like to any significant degree, am i just masking it up / mirroring the crap out of how they talk?? and also it then takes me quite a while to put together “if someone keeps talking to you / choosing to interact with you for like, weeks, it probably means they want to / are interested in doing so” lol.........and then i’ll take ages more of trying to consciously Be More Myself without *also* feeling like this is too much of an act lol, and gradually picking up like oh they’re still not like, annoyed or disinterested or something..............what i am trying to say is it sure takes a minute lol

also when i Am attempting sometimes to like [initiate interaction] with people my version of being Active is still not all that active lmao i will be like [occasional Like] or [even more occasional reply] or [tag comments or no comments coz it’s twitter and im rt-ing stuff] and it’s like oh wow if we’re not having more regular interaction i suppose i’ve failed or something?? does this mean anything further lol, did i do anything.....but welp gotta have that perspective that Not Necessarily lol and i’m not the only person in the world who might not make friends or even friendly acquaintances easily / at the drop of a hat and u can’t necessarily read way into shit that hasn’t Actually been communicated to you.......naturally though it is easier to have some ~perspective~ and Serenity about all this sort of thing when you do already have some Friends lmao........been feeling (and consciously nudging myself towards feeling) More Chill about say like, friendly acquaintances i have who aren’t raring to interact with me on the reg.......ppl i’ll go months or half a year or more between having a convo with and then we’ll be like trading dm’s for a couple days and then it’s back to not really talking, and that Is What It Is, not necessarily a tragedy, and really it feels “rude” to acknowledge to myself like oh i’m not sure that me and whomever even Vibe well enough that *i’d* be raring to talk all the time either, but hey, it’s also true, i don’t have to be Validated by ppl who know me having me in their friend circles in any significant way......i be out here on the peripheral / outer orbits and i can appreciate that for what it is, even if, again, easier to be more Cool with that when i’m not Only in ppl’s periphery...........i appreciate the pal i have who like, 99% of how we Communicate is occasionally sending each other pics of our cats, not very intimate but also back when i was offline for months on end they eventually went out of their way to find someone to get in touch with to verify i hadn’t like died or anything lol........i appreciate the Gestures of Caring that ppl have and do extend, even if we do not actually talk regularly. 

and like also i’m bad at like. idk the main way i talk is again, At Some Length and often about real specific shit lol so im like woop aware that many ppl are not into that, or they might be down for having an exchange like that for a day and then they’re done.........not at all like wholly Against more lol Conversational conversations but i gotta say that’s more of a struggle lmao..........so let’s say befriending me takes some Patience. i kinda operate on [cat] rules. jellicle

25: How do you stop yourself from going back to toxic people?

i absolutely am Refraining from launching off on a ted talk of a tangent that is also me being the [the guy about to throw down a card on the pile on the table and that card pile is like “any conversation” and the guy is labeled “me” and the One Card about to be played is labeled “it’s capitalism” or smthing like that and also it’s all in spanish].jpg.......

anyways idk just try to keep things in perspective, right......i generally am pretty Passive about gradually sidling away from relationships that are bad and so by the time i Have exited them it’s pretty overdue lmao and i get to be quite confident that it was The Right Thing........and just when looking back on stuff it’s like, well if you remember the Good or “Not That Bad(tm)” parts maybe consciously think about the whole of it And specifically the Bad parts / the reasons for peacing out.......also the other day i was mulling over some standard [conflicted / complicated feelings about having cut certain ppl out entirely] and it also occurred to me that a lot of the [conflicted] feeling part came from sympathy for them, whereas from the perspective of Entirely My Own Feelings On The Matter minus that “how do/would they feel about it” consideration, the thought of never interacting w/ these ppl is like. fine with me lol........stuff like this is always Complicated and Individual and there’s certainly no like, one-stop simple Guide To Navigating All This Kind Of Thing, Cmon It’s Easy........another consideration i saw the other day via a graphic on twitter, which is probably most relevant re: say, controlling / abusive Partners, was how like, to think about how someone is acting if they’re saying you should Take Them Back b/c they’ve Changed their behavior, but to pay attention to if they’re trying to guilt you into it / justifying or downplaying their previous behavior / shifting blame and otherwise manifesting the inherently harmful and controlling patterns that are supposed to be gone now........anyways yeah complicated stuff and also just p.s. (and what would’ve been the jumping off point for the It’s-Capitalism tangential essay lol) ppl shouldn’t be blamed if they do choose to let someone back in their life like oh now they’re responsible for bringing their mistreatment upon themself.....no better than blaming someone for, say, having a harmful / controlling romantic partner in the first place like oh well they should’ve known better than to have gotten involved with this person..........ppl are in control of their own abusive behavior and shouldn’t be considered Forces Of Nature no matter how intransigent they are

33: Do you have someone you know you can always rely on?

tbt question 9 lol there’s defo some people that i do trust! love it....

45: Do you consider yourself creative?

another #tbt to question 1 lol.......i mean Yes i am creative in ways but like, who Isn’t, really.......think sometimes “creativity” means “do you like, do Art things” which, yes i do, but then within that there’s art that’s deemed more ~creative~ or w/e......not to mention that i don’t think something has to be definitively labeled an Art to be creative. like, for example, Science and Art aren’t opposites / the antithesis of each other, and anytime defines ~science~ as like, people just memorizing and outputting Facts and Numbers and considers this a distinction from Being An Artist.....wild and i Will fight you lmao. i tell you i can v much remember times i have had to completely disengage to keep from losing my cool at people arguing about “why i respect science but could only be an artist :’|” or “why Art is actually harder than Science and also we’re the underdogs b/c society values science so much more :’|” like.....mf...........anyways scientific pursuits may certainly have a different Methodology (see: scientific method) than art but lbr it still requires creativity and science and art are friends you fucking fools................and then also just zooming in on the Art-Making business here, i also like, have never had any interest in coming up with Original stories / characters and the like, and i don’t enjoy trying and it just really is not my thing, and it’s Funny or something when people wanna say that creative fanworks have value b/c they let ppl cut their teeth for what really matters, inevitably making their own original content(tm)......that isn’t inevitable for me lol and certainly is nothing i aim to do ever, and when there’s the suggestion that if you’re Good enough at ur medium you gotta manifest some of that original the character do not steal shit.........anyways i’m not pressed to claim i am an Artist(tm) or Creative(tm) lol like i guess technically i am both but i have no professional aspirations and my brain does not Do [generate original content] so it’s all like, i’m just out here.........s/o to this time i was trying to do my fuckin thing drawing on a tablet in a cafe and some random annoying guy is trying to talk and i happen to mention like “lol i don’t exactly call myself an artist really” and Guy goes “OH REALLY??? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ARTISTS? WHAT’S YOUR ISSUE WITH ART” like please cool it lmao but god p sure it was a guy who was just. very Around and very annoying in general

49: Do you feel like you’re a good person?

yeah i think i’m alright but really what is the use in like considering there 2 be achievable Good or Bad Person Statuses for everyone........let’s say it’s an ongoing, active state to be in the process of consciously choosing to be Good and working towards Better. especially considering that We Live In A Society which tries to teach everyone and continuously imbues our existence with Bad Messages about how to perceive and engage with other people, and being A Good Person is a lifelong effort and it’s unhelpful to feel that if you’re already Good or well-intentioned enough you can just dust off your hands and be like “well my work here is done” and be unprepared to examine your beliefs/actions or deal with the might-as-well-assume-it’s-an-inevitability that even if u have some noble-ass beliefs you’ll fail to live up to them at some point/s.......so like yeah lol again i feel like i am a pretty good person but can always be better and ought to be aware of / willing to work on that at any point

[arodrwho]

most members of vox machina (pike, scanlan, percy, & vax in particular) read as nt to me but consider: what if they weren’t though

pike: autistic, special interest in sarenrae, tendency towards scripting, likes th routine of clerical duties at th temple, low-empathy Because I Said So, groks grog bc Some shared brainthings

scanlan: adhd, music = long-term hyperfixation, bounces between many instruments, i must be The Funny One(TM) to be liked, big rsd (usually Angry Version but sometimes not), TALKS before THINKS

percy: adhd, legendary hyperfocus, stimming? me? no, never, of course not! (little stims, subtle, must not show. restlessness. or--gods forbid--emotiones.), big insomnia, HATES to WAIT but is quiet about it, Big Frustration

vax: adhd, imp u l s i ve, gotta move move move, constantly stimming w/daggers all the time all the time, how does one. stand perfectly still. what the fuck. surely that’s a myth?, Loud Emotions always, plan for the future?? NO there is only the NOW, big ol rsd (usually Depression Version but sometimes not)

in addition of course toooo!

keyleth: autistic, what the Fuck is a social rule, awkward awkward big awkward, what the Fuck am i Feeling, my whole me is hyperempathy & i cannot Cope but also how the Fuck does ur differing perspective Work why do u Have it i don’t Understand, black n white morals, is that sarcasm ?, big. emotions, special interest in! plant, must infodump abt all things always it’s so good u guys let me tell u all abt--ohhh ur not interested uh. sorry. sorry. sorry bout that

vex: adhd, masking tiiiiiiime Always, sitting still is the fucKing worst, sensory issueS bigtime (stop making that NOISE, oh god it’s too quiet what Do), hyperfixations ahoy, me? stim in public? hahahahha no, away from Public tho bear.. is soft.. and heavey......, hyperfocus at inconvenient times Only, groks grog a Lot but doesnot let on, keeps Meticulous written record of money bc otherwise Will Forget, rsd but Quiet & Internalized, boredom. is hell

tary: autistic, what in the Fuck is a social cue, you know what’s great? scripting! you know what’s Even Better? scripting via things i read in books!!, books and robots are my only friends., This Is How The World Works Of Course, special interest in! books! writing! tinkering! adventuring!, must rebuild things As Close To The Exact Same As Possible, names n faces are Hard why bother trying until i Care abt you, ....wait that was rude?? are u SURE??

grog: adhd, autistic, dyslexic, dyscalculic, reading is Hard, numbers are Hard, processing things takes Time, ?? what did you say?, socializing is Confusing, this mask sure don’t fit right but i suPPOSE i can try, focus? never heard of her, special interest? ale!! fighting styles!, impul s i ve, puns are VERY good, ...................ah, you’re making fun of me. Go To Hell

[robininthelabyrinth]

"New writer ask meme: based on my body of work, what’s something you’d like to see me try to write?" like. you wrote a story within a /menu/ so you can take this as a prompt or just respond but. if you can make a menu compelling, what about something else. like a professor binn's history lecture, swapping in for the teacher and subject of your choice, but something where the students have fallen asleep five minutes in but there's a compelling story under the surface. idk if it's possible, (cont)

re: the hist lecture thnx for letting me know tumblr didn’t send it! can’t remember xactly what was in each ½ of the ask but short version: if any1 can make a dry lecture (note: not just any lecture, but a boring one), abt history or other, compelling, it’d be u. just as people say that x celeb reading the phone book could be cool, I feel the same could be true for u, which brings me to thing I’d like to see u write 2: a phone book story. idk how the flip it would work but it’d be interesting

————————————————————————————————

I think that my Makers of History fic might fulfill your first craving - it’s not boring, but it’s written in the style of a history textbook :) 

That being said, your SECOND prompt irresistibly caught my eye.

It’s not a phone book, but I hope you still enjoy!

Fic:  Central City Classifieds: December 2017 Edition (direct link to Ao3)

Fandom: Flash, Arrow, Legends of TomorrowPairing: Leonard Snart/Mick Rory, suggestions of unfulfilled Mick Rory/Caitlin Snow

Summary: Central City Picture News is a respectable news organization, with serious journalism, editorials, opinion columns, sports coverage, arts review, and international news.

So why does everyone keep reading the classifieds?

(Answer: because they’re hilarious.)

———————————————————————————————–

CENTRAL CITY CLASSIFIEDS - December 2017

New Business Opening:Super Tailoring: For All Your Superhero or Supervillain NeedsAsk for ~Leo~–New Business Opening:Supersuit Construction Corp.Super-suits for Superheroes, Supervillains, and More!Theme-appropriate nicknames included!Ask for C. RamonOur Motto: “We make proper supersuits here – our competitors should just go back to their stupid earth where the bad guys need suspenders to hold their outfits together.”–New Business Opening:Super-RepairsWe Fix Mistakes In Science Done By Supersuit Construction Corp.Ask for Harry W.–Announcement:All creditors to whom Harrison Wells owed money, please come to STAR Labs for a pleasant surprise. Ask for C. Ramon; he’ll direct you to the right place.–New Business Opening:TherapyVery Reasonable Prices – Sliding Scale AvailableFree to Superheroes and SupervillainsPLEASE YOU SHOULD ALL GO GET THERAPY RIGHT NOWAsk for ~Leo~

–Announcement:39 Surprisingly High-End Possibly-From-The-Future Toasters for Sale. No returns.Ask for B. Allen.–For sale, goods:One Cold Gun, barely used. Must go to good home. Must agree to take angst, hallucinations, budding drinking problem, and mourning of 30 years of partnership and marriage with you.–New Business Announcement:John Constantine – Exorcist, Demonologist and Master of the Dark ArtsIn Town for a Limited Time Only!–Wanted:Better security system capable of removing unwanted stowaways from advanced-future time ship. Call and ask for Sara.–Wanted:Any security system. At all. Please. Villains just walk in all the time.Call STAR Labs.–New Business Opening:Legendary Security ServicesBe Protected By the Legends of Tomorrow(no warranties apply, please ensure you have appropriate insurance before hiring)–Job Opening:Legendary Security ServicesSeeking Security Consultant – Superhero Experience WelcomeMust have Zambezi Totem To ApplyAsk for A. Jiwe and Z. Tomaz.All Time Periods Welcome.–Wanted:Any OTHER security system.Call STAR Labs.–New Business Opening:Colorful Light Show & Anger Management TherapyProcess Your Emotions, See Beautiful ColorsAsk for R. G. Biv.–Job Opening:Individual with meta powers wanted for long-term scheme against the Flash.Applications can be left by the statue of the Thinker in Central City Art Museum.–Announcement:Are you fucking kidding me?? Does that actually work?? – B. Allen.–Job Opening:New Mentor Figure. Must Not Be Evil.Harrison Wells doppleganger preferred.No individuals named Eobard need apply.Stringent interview process being implemented.Applications can be sent to STAR Labs. Honestly, just walk in, there’s no security system.–New Business Opening:Outdoor Wedding ServicesPlanning Your Outdoor Wedding? Worried About the Weather?Don’t Be!Call M. Mardon To Ensure Your Perfect Day!(Also available to ruin your exes’ wedding, but it costs extra.)–New Business Opening:Welcome to The FLASH Museum!Learn all about your favorite local Supehero in intimate, behind-the-scenes detail!Call: the H.R. Wells Estate.–Cease and Desist Order Lawsuit Filed Against the Flash Museum. C/O the Flash, STAR Labs.–While I’m at it, Cease and Desist Order Filed Against Local “Team Flashers” Club. It’s not funny! C/O the Flash, STAR Labs.–Wanted:Someone capable of making puppets in a wide variety of shapes and sizes.Preferably soft and capable of resisting impact; designed to be used in therapy sessions.Ask for ~Leo~–For sale, goods:Slutty clothing, barely used. Very reasonable price, just need to get rid of it.Ask for Snow at Star Labs.–For sale, goods:All clothing in my closet. Basically free. Need to get rid of it in revenge.Ask for Frost at Star Labs.–For sale, services:All the ice you could possibly want, no need for ice machine.Ask for Frost at Star Labs. Say that Snow sent you.–For sale, services:Under-the-table medical care. Reasonable prices.Feel free to report to the local medical licensing board afterwards if dissatisfied.Ask for Snow at Star Labs. Say that Frost sent you.–Announcement:Local man with flamethrower seeking attractive girl with ice powers for NSA good time while he is in the present location/time. Willing to annoy additional personality for free.–Announcement:Nice try. No.– Snow and Frost–Business Announcement:Therapy – now offering relationship and family counsellingAlso lessons in pre-planning, emotional openness, and honest communicationAsk for ~Leo~–New Business Opening:Ever wanted to swim with the sharks, but afraid or unwilling to pay for travel? Never fear!Swimming Lessons with King SharkReasonable prices.Call ARGUS for additional details.–Wanted:Secret room for plotting and/or emotional processing of grief. No spying devices allowed.If you have any locations, call John Constantine, Leo Snart, or Mick Rory.Payment available only in Earth-X cash, since the other two are broke.–Announcement:Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak are pleased to announce that they will be wed in a ceremony on the Star City Central Green at the end of this week.–Announcement:Another one?! Didn’t you two get married ALREADY?A Totally Not Bitter Central City Picture News Journalist–Announcement:Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak are pleased to announce that they will be renewing their vows at the end of this week, this time before a rabbi and their friends.–Announcement:You didn’t have a rabbi the FIRST time?Noah Kutler & Donna Smoak–Announcement:What the hell are you two doing filing a joint newspaper announcement???Felicity Smoak–Announcement:Answer us about the rabbi question.Noah Kutler & Donna Smoak–Announcement:They would’ve been able to use the rabbi we used at my wedding, but they got him killed.Frost–Announcement:That was MY wedding, not yours!Snow–Announcement:Best wishes to Felicity Smoak and Oliver Queen on their upcoming vow renewal.We’re sorry for accidentally setting your entire extended family on you.Team Flash–Announcement:Did you REALLY re-gift us the espresso machine we gave you??Oliver Queen–Announcement:It was on your registry in exactly the same way it was on ours.Iris West.–Wanted:Someone willing to obtain a list of ingredients, some very esoteric, without asking too many questions as to why. Speed of the essence – need to get all the ingredients before the next full moon.Call John Constantine, Leo Snart, or Mick Rory.–Wanted:An army willing to destroy the world and worship at the feet of GRODD.No need to apply. Just think the name of GRODD and we will come for you.–For Sale:Telepathy-Resistant Emergency Evacuation Devices, available to help you resist Grodd’s mind control long enough to escape. The newest fashion statement. Also, basically free.Available at STAR Labs.–Job Opening:Qualified therapists with an advanced understanding of ethics, client confidentiality, and self-defense. As many as possible. At once. This is so much worse than I could have possibly believed.Ask for ~Leo~–New Business Opening:Freaky Supervillain Carnival(Totally NOT a set up trap for the Flash)Come see the Dangerous MIRROR MAZE! The magnificent, nauseating WHIRLYGIG!Job opening available for a clown, preferably with teeth, to keep away certain unwanted old acquaintances.Call S. Scudder and R. Dillon.–Wanted:Surveillance method capable of keeping an eye on three grown men with the capabilities of John Constantine, Leo Snart, and Mick Rory (included for comparison).Something’s up, and Gideon’s not sharing.Must be compatible with 25th century technology.–For sale, goods:Exploding dreidels, for a ridiculously deadly Hannukah prank!Totally not the CCPD trying to trap the Trickster again.Entirely by coincidence, please call the CCPD if you’re interested.–Wanted:Young black men who for a variety of flimsy reasons are no longer currently engaged in active super-heroing except in awesome but sadly brief cameos.We’re making our own club over in Keystone.Call c/o W. West and J. Jackson.–Wanted:Bounty Hunter capable of tracking and eliminating that pesky C. Ramon for having made a crude comment at my precious and perfect daughter.Call Josh (Breacher) on Earth-19–Wanted:Bodyguard capable of protecting me from a crazy overprotective asshole dad who can’t accept the fact that we’re ALREADY SLEEPING TOGETHER.Female bodyguard capable of extreme badassery preferred.Call C. Ramon on Earth-1–Announcement:I, Josh, hereby apologize to my adult daughter for having sought to control her sexuality in such an inappropriate manner. She is free to date whomever she wishes and progress in her relationship at her own chosen speed.Please call off your Amazons.–Business Name Change:Legendary Security Services will now be known as Legendary Amazon Security.Because we’re just that awesome.A. Jiwe, Z. Tomaz, K. Saunders–Police Announcement:Will anyone with any knowledge of what caused that giant blue-green explosion in STAR Labs please call the CCPD immediately? Ask to speak with Detective West.–Retraction:Cold gun no longer available for sale following explosive retrieval process.Bill for all property damage may be directed c/o John Constantine.–Announcement:We are sad to announce that John Constantine has passed away.Please send any bills for property damage care of Zatana.–Announcement:John Constantine is not actually dead. He’s just hiding away on the Waverider again.Personal note: John, if I get one more bill, I’m coming for your balls.Zatanna–Retraction:The reports of John Constantine’s death are greatly exaggerated.We apologize for the inconvenience.He is, however, unavailable to accept any bills.–New Business Opening:Magic Tricks by Abra KadabraMention Harry Potter One More Time And I Will Break My Parole And Kill You All–Invitation:The Epic Len and Leo Welcome Back/Going Away PartyAll Welcome – Bring Presents(Puns preferred)–For sale, goods:One freaky supervillain carnival set up, barely used. Very reasonable price.Have to leave town ASAP because there are now TWO Snarts and that’s two too many.Call S. Scudder and R. Dillon.–Wanted:Seeds for Golden Delicious Apples, Golden Berries, and Golden Corn.Please send to Gotham City, c/o Lisa Snart.–Announcement:Lisa, why are you in Gotham? And what’s with all the plants???With love,Your Concerned Friends and Family

[fenharelxenansal]

ooc;;

so i went back into my discord history to dig up some meta i wrote a while back about briala. alice, nixe, mo, merc, and cay have all already read this, but i feel like a lot of it is really important to my characterization and i want it on my blog. maybe someday i’ll format it to read in a less disjointed, chat-style way, but for now -- have 1600+ words about briala’s backstory, i guess?

cw: lots of emotional abuse and gaslighting, lots of character death

im having a mood abt the tactics celene might have used to keep briala on her side when they were fighting and aaugh

bc i think a lot about the scene at the beginning of TME where bria is getting sexually harassed by a palace guard and the fact that nobody in that scene, briala included, acts like its anything particularly abnormal. that worries me

i mean. celene killed her damn parents. i dont think encouraging a guard to harass briala from time to time to make herself look like a saint in comparison is beyond her

and i have this mental image of briala being hurt in some way, nothing serious, a bruise here or there from someone other than celene, deliberately caused to send her running back to the empress who will make it all better

to give briala someone to hate instead of celene

to give celene the opportunity to 'make it up' to her

because i dont believe for a second that celene, grand player of the Game that she is, wouldn't stoop that low

she would do anything in her power to keep briala

because she is too dangerous, she knows too much

my headcanon is that when celene tried to send her away to live with the Dalish, it wasn't for her own protection

it was to keep her from ever realizing the truth of what happened the night her parents died, because it could destabilize celene's grip on power

and when Briala came back, well, she had to come up with another plan. and she cared for Briala enough that she didn't want to just kill her. so she made her into an intensely loyal asset

so i think any time Briala started to turn on her, started to want to leave her service even a little, she would do something to make herself look like the good guy again

the thing i always think about

Briala was supposed to be killed that night along with her parents

it wasn't 'all the servants except briala' it was 'all the servants'. the fact that she survived was pure luck, and the fact that celene didn't just have her killed after that point was because. well. Celene was a 16 year old lesbian about to ascend the throne of one of the most powerful countries in Thedas. One might imagine her a bit lonely.

im pretty sure she knew sending briala away was sending her to likely bandits or death by starvation

but she didn't have to feel so personally responsible for that

its easy to kill a palace full of servants whose names you dont know

theyre just numbers on a piece of parchment saying how many bodies you have to clean up

briala made herself real to celene and that makes her harder to kill

because she could have just killed her right then herself

but celene never had the stomach for killing people herself. she just gives the orders.

and so when faced with that situation, with her personal handmaiden traumatized, crying, covered in her parents' blood saying 'they're all dead', the smart thing to do would have been to kill her. but celene didn't do that. she just sent her away to near-certain death instead.

Briala is incredibly dangerous to Celene

especially post-TME, post realization of exactly how Celene orchestrated her rise to power

she is the only one who knows that Celene's claim on the throne is truly illegitimate, no matter how much Gaspard tries to argue it

not only did she have her own palace servants murdered

she had the emperor assassinated

which i think everyone misses?

she had him assassinated and then staged the murder of her palace servants to paint herself as an innocent victim who just happened to not be there that night

thats why all the palace servants were killed

so that suspicion would not fall on her for Florian's murder

the point was to make it look like the same assassins who went after her uncle were also going after her

when in reality she was the one calling the shots all along

i did briefly toy with writing a verse where Briala never met Felassan, where she made it to the Dalish safe at 14 years old and tried to become one of them

but the fact is that the moment he sent her back to Celene was a defining moment for her, something that fundamentally changed her, and she wouldn't have been anywhere near the same person without that

it told her, right there and right then, subtextually and insidiously, that the cause was the most important thing, more than her safety - because she knew it was dangerous being anywhere near the Empress-to-be, she wasn't stupid. she didn't even really know what the cause was at that point; he never told her what he got out of their meetings. so the cause to her became helping elves. and then that really quickly became warped to helping celene because she convinced her that it was the best way to serve the cause.

"what would have been different if she'd decided what she wanted to fight for on her own?"

she would have been a lot less.....not less dedicated, but less 'dedicated to the detriment of her own wellbeing'

if she had decided herself not to go to the Dalish, to stay by Celene's side to enact change, rather than just following the orders of other people, her story would be very different

concept: briala actually processing her trauma??? what???

bc you know the moment she got back to the palace with Celene after meeting Fel for the first time she threw herself headfirst into the Game

she focused all of her energy on intelligence-gathering and supporting Celene in her bid to become Empress

She never gave herself a single moment to grieve

and it isn't an uncommon story in Thedas, an elf watching someone or multiple someones they love cut down by humans

imagine if u will: briala, trying to have a funeral, not just for her parents, but for all of them

thats the thing i really feel the need to

idk

it wasn't just her parents

briala grew up in the palace. her parents were both palace servants.

she knew every single one of those servants. they were her friends and her family. and at the end of it she was left standing covered in blood in front of celene. celene was all she had left.

she didn't have any friends at the beginning of TME. she was friendly with the cook, but that was it.

celene took a generally happy, driven, and incredibly smart 14-year old elven girl and took away everyone she had ever known except herself. she made herself briala's world.

that's the real reason i hate that you can reunite them. its not that i don't believe they could be reunited - its that they can. because briala doesn't have anyone else. she has celene and felassan. that's it.

when you only have one person, its easy to make excuses for them and justify the things theyve done. its easy to believe them when they apologize and promise to do better.

thats why i want briala to have friends and lovers and people

i want to have a verse where she has grown so far beyond that point that she would laugh if Celene asked her to return to the palace

i want her to stop loving Celene but she isn't there yet

in my current writing, at least

she is still vulnerable to her in every verse where Celene is still alive

i just imagine her like

talking quietly about her childhood best friend among the servants

we don't get to see much of Briala's childhood

we get the moment of her mother telling her she mustn't try to hide her ears and that she must be proud of being an elf. that's really it.

but we do know that there were other children of servants who were considered for Celene's handmaiden aside Briala

i like to think she was friends with these other children. that she wasn't always lonely from the start

but of course that leads down the road of those friends being slaughtered as well so its a tradeoff

and then there's the question of whether when Celene kissed her when she was sending her away, if that was her first kiss, if she ever even had the chance to love someone else

i think a lot about how Briala spent 20 years learning how to love exactly 1 person the way she wanted to be loved

just imagining her trying to have a romantic relationship with someone else with that framework still in place is painful. it wouldn't work no matter how much she wanted it to because she'd be treating them like celene. she has no other model for how a relationship can work

she bypasses that somewhat with Lana, but its still there, thinking that the best thing to do is the thing that Keeps Lana Safe

she wouldn't recognize abuse if she got into another bad relationship

and she doesn't know how a relationship works where she isn't centering the other person's needs over her own

she gave up everything she ever wanted or aspired to for Celene

one time i got a prompt from a lyric starter list i made

'you can still be what you want to'

and briala just. broke for a moment.

'no. i can't. i never could - none of us ever could. thats why we fight.'

she doesn't have interests or hobbies or friends or a life

celene was her life and now she's filled that void with her cause

[wannasoftimagine]

lee daehwi as your soulmate

imagine having daehwi as ur soulmate where u have the date u meet written on ur wrist

(as requested!)

ur soulmate clue isnt really visible for awhile just bc ure like. a tiny kid for the first majority of ur life lol

for awhile u just have a smudge of ink on ur wrist so,,, u dont rlly have a choice but to let it be

ANYWAYS

once u start to get older, the markings on ur wrist start to become more and more clear

ure not super sure if theyre letters or numbers or smthn else, bc it doesnt show up on ur skin quite right yet

eventually, ure able to decipher it as a set of numbers and ure like. okay cool BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN

u talk it over w some of ur family and friends, and everyone seems to have their own idea abt what it means

but the more ppl u talk to, the more they start to agree tht it seems like a date - for several years in the future

at tht point u realize that its probably the day tht ull finally meet ur soulmate, so theres not rlly much u can do abt it until then

ure a little tempted to try and search for someone with a similar clue, but there are just SO MANY to sort thru tht u decide its not rlly worth it

u try and focus on urself - struggling thru school, spending time w family/friends, typical stuff that most ppl ignore bc theyre too busy searching for their soulmate

honestly its kinda nice knowing when ull meet ur soulmate, since u can relax until then

time passes bc u kno. tht tends to happen in life

SO

it starts to get closer and closer to the date when u meet and NOW the nerves are coming

bc ure like ?? what are they like? what if i dont like them? what if they dont like //me//? where are we gonna meet? what time? do they have the same clue? what if i dont recognize them????

honestly ure a mess of worries by the time the day comes

trying to sleep the night before is almost impossible since ure such a bundle of doubts as u toss and turn in ur bed

come morning, u do ur best to dress as nice as u can

but honestly ure starting to doubt ur sense of fashion and style at this point

eventually u have to calm urself down bc theres no point in stressing out too much, or else ure just going to freak out and have an awful day, soulmate or not

then ure like waaaait a second,,

n u realize tht u dont know when exactly or where ure going to meet ur soulmate

which makes things much harder tbh

u settle on staying on a park bench, watching ppl pass and letting ur wrist casually rest beside u so its out in the open

ure hoping tht someones just going to walk by and be like oH HELLO SOULMATE

as time goes on u realize tht ure not that lucky

actually ure prob rlly unlucky bc bugs seem like theyre attacking u and u take tht as ur cue to leave

ure wandering around a little bit when u stumble across this cute little hole-in-the-wall cafe, so u decide to go in and rest ur feet there

(also maybe meet ur soulmate bc tht would be super Aesthetic u feel)

anyways

u wait around with a cup of coffee and a bagel, hoping that ull see someone walk in with a mark similar to urs

u realize pretty quickly tht it wont happen bc 1) so many ppl keep coming in and out, and 2) no one walks around showing off their wrist tbh

tht leaves u growing more frustrated and worried in ur spot

part of u wants to just approach random strangers and ask “listen im meeting my soulmate today CAN I SEE UR WRIST”

but the realistic part of u is like “what the heck no dont do tht”

u settle on agreeing with the latter

at some point, as ure boring holes into the dozens of strangers frequenting the cafe, u start to nod off

u dont even notice until one of the workers is shaking u awake with a polite smile and telling u tht the store is closing, so ure going to have to please leave

thts when ure like “wow,,, i was rlly tired bc it is LATE outside” but also “WAIT WHAT IF MY SOULMATE CAME HERE WHEN I WAS ASLEEP”

even as u frantically look around, u dont see any cutely written messages from ur presumed soulmate or anything like tht

all u can think is tht maybe ur soulmate clue doesnt mean what u thought it did

after all, its around evening already, and u still havent seen a sign of them

u end up wandering around outside again, too worried abt the possibility of never meeting ur soulmate to be freaked out over the whole “tiny kid walks around alone in the dark!!!!” thing

anywho

u keep checking ur phone (and feeling rlly grateful tht u havent run out of battery yet) and time just keeps to slip thru ur fingers

u end up going to a small restaurant for dinner, but its a place tht uve visited before and u dont see anyone new that could be ur soulmate

afterwards u decide to head on home with a heavy heart

u keep thinking “mb its not the date when we meet??”

but honestly ure not sure what else it could be

like is it the date ur soulmate is born?? but thtd be a kinda creepy age difference,,

and,,,, okay yeah u cant rlly think of anything else

u may or may not get lost a couple of times bc ure so absorbed in ur own thoughts

it doesnt help tht ure not exactly the best with directions

by the time u think ure nearing ur home, ur phone flashes at u with the time 11.51pm and ure like “???!!!!!!!!!!!”

u dont even know what to think at tht point

but then u get hit with the realization tht ure not meeting ur soulmate today and u might never meet them at all, and ure crushed with this aching sense of nothingness

ure just about ready to curl into a ball and just lie on the street for the rest of ur life when u hear someone yell “URE WALKING IN CIRCLES”

and u snap ur head up to try and see who said tht, and u see someone sticking his head out of his window and gesturing wildly

“wHAT” u manage to yell back, bc itd be embarrassing if this guy was trying to help u navigate around and u ended up sobbing back in response

“URE GOING IN CIRCLES UVE PASSED MY WINDOW LIKE 10 TIMES”

and thats.. just as embarrassing tbh

“ARE U LOST??? WHERE DO U LIVE”

all good intentions aside, u frown at his figure to tell him “IM NOT TELLING U WHERE I LIVE”, a pause, and then u add on “U CREEP” bc ure a strong independent individual who doesnt need any freaky dude in ur life

“AT LEAST USE UR PHONE OR SMTHN!!!! URE NEVER GOING TO GET HOME AT THIS POINT”

u feel a little dumb at that bc,,, honestly uve been so wrapped up in ur head tht u kinda forgot u could just use ur phone for directions back home

still just as u pull it out, it flashes a “dead battery” symbol and just. dies on u

“ITS DEAD” u tell the guy, altho ure not rlly sure why ure telling him this bc what if he really is a creep and now he knows u cant call for help ??????????

“IM COMING DOWN”

okay, thats definitely not helping ur i-think-hes-a-serial-killer idea

when he finally closes the window and makes his way down and outside to u, uve prepared urself with a rock

just,, in case,,,,,

(its not even a really good rock but u gotta do what u gotta do)

“i didnt want to keep yelling” the guy says, and he looks much sweeter in person (and when hes not screaming directions at u)

he sticks out his hand and ure like ?? but u take it anyways

“im lee daehwi!! do u want to borrow my phone?” he holds it out to u and even tho ure really tempted to take it, ure still a little skeptical

“if i put my address in there, then ull know where i live and u can track me afterwards”

he seems to find tht both very amusing and very insulting, since his face contorts into a half-laugh half-grimace

its a funny sight in of itself, so u cant help but smile at his expression

u end up bickering a little bit, and by the time he shoves his phone into ur face, u glance at the time and its past midnight and oh

today isnt the day u meet ur soulmate, then

ur face falls and he immediately yanks his hand back, obviously concerned

“are u okay?? whats wrong????”

and even tho hes still basically a stranger u cant help but show ur wrist to him and manage to explain tht u thought u were going to meet ur soulmate today, but its too late bc u still havent met them

but daehwi is giggling and ure like “dONT BE A JERK” but hes already pushing his own wrist into ur face

instead of the date, his reads “11.51 PM” in the same small dark font, and its like oh. OHHHHH

he pushes at ur shoulder, teasing u tht ur clue was more obvious bc “i had to wait around every day to see if i met someone new!!! i just want to sleep but i had no idea when id meet u”

and even as hes pouting u can barely process how relieved u are so u. accidentally zone out juuuust a little bit

he notices of course, and manages to get ur attention by saying “im glad its u tho bc ure super cute”

u stare at him, suddenly super focused on him, and he laughs

“i was just trying to get ur attention, but i do think ure rlly cute”

ure both still a bit in shock, but u manage to carry on conversations well enough bc now tht u know ure each others soulmates, ure desperate to talk to each other forever

he ends up insisting on cutting ur convo short and walking u home bc its so late, but he gives u his number and a quick, embarrassed peck on the cheek with a promise to talk to u soon

its even harder to fall asleep that night, ur head filled the memory of daehwi grinning at u like ure the best thing hed ever seen

others: jisung | sungwoon | daniel | woojin | more coming soon!

[jaebam]

could you answer all the gif maker questions too? i'm very interested 😅

omgshfs interested in my thoughts????? okay only bc its u 🥺🥺

2. What is your least favorite set you’ve made?

ohhhh i don’t really know 😔 since i post so much it’s difficult to remember what i’ve done gshjfhsfj

3. Which of your sets has the most notes 

on this blog it’s this one 🥺

5. What is your favorite movie/TV show to gif

i don’t really gif anything other than got7 at the moment but i used to gif a lot for tmi/shadowhunters!! 😌➰

6. What is your least favorite movie/TV show to gif

hmm i used to dislike giffing the tv show reign bc the lightning was wack from my memory fhsgjh and most scenes were usually just the same yellow background thing and i couldn’t really figure out how to make all those color spam sets i used to make from their eps

10. What was the first gif you ever posted

oh i recently went back and checked and it’s this one from 2011😳

12. What is the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever giffed

man idk gfshhj i’ve giffed a lot of embarrassing things 

13. Where or from whom did you learn to gif

i learnt from reading and following a lot of tutorials posted here!! and then i regularly checked resources blogs like yeahps to see what the trend was hgsfhhsj

17. 10 sets, 8 sets, 6 sets= How many gifs do you prefer in a set

i used to mostly make 8 sets when it came to giffing before this blog, but now i really like 4 sets (which i raaarely made before this blog)

18. For the aesthetic, for the laughs, or for the feels what your preference

when it comes to gifmaking it takes a lot of time to figure it out aesthetic wise for me, so it’s mostly just for the laughs atm!! but for my main i used to only do it for the aesthetics hehe <3 (b/w sets forever in my 🤍)

21. PSDs or original coloring for each gif 

i do have a base psd that i mess around with for all gifs and i could probably do it from memory but we’re lazy!! however since i color correct with curves layers they always turn out different anyway

22. What fandom/movie/show/person etc do you gif the most

got7 💚

23. What is the thing you gif when you don’t have anything else you want to gif

ooooohhhh i don’t really know, like older got7 performances maybe 🤔?

24. 480p 720p 1080p? What is the minimum quality you’ll gif from

ahh well i used to not care abt the quality and just giffed whatever but if i had to choose now i’d say 720p perhaps? 

25. Old dimensions or new dimensions and why

omg i used to be one of the petty ppl that wouldn’t change to the new dimensions for MONTHS but i like the new ones even tho they don’t make sense jdhhjfh and i don’t really know why, maybe bc i think it looks better ?? not sure hgfhs i just do 🥴

26. How many unposted sets are in your drafts right now

hmm like 20 maybe? most are unfinished and some are just finished sets that i haven’t figured out how to caption HGSHFGS

27. Have you ever made a set, decided you hated it and deleted it? What was it

i don’t really delete any but i do dislike a lot of them i just never go back and check so in my mind it’s like i never made them in the first place ✊

28. Have you ever posted a set, regretted it and immediately deleted it

no i don’t think so!!

29. Have you ever posted a set, realized you made a mistake later but it was already too late

omg yes all the time!!!! but i go back anyways and edit the post even tho it’s too late to keep my mind at ease 💆‍♀️

30. How frequently do you like to post

i gif A LOT nowadays hfsghd and i don’t really have a preference i just gif whenever i can bc it’s fun

31. Do you schedule/queue posts or do you post right after you’re done

i do both! 

33. Do you like to/can you make edits and graphics too or only gifs

yes!!!! i think i enjoy making graphics/edits more bc it shows my aesthetic more than gifs do but i do like making gifs too hehe it’s just a bit repetitive sometimes so i like making graphics to try to be a bit more creative 😋

36. Do you gif with something specific in mind or do you just wing it

i usually have something specific in mind 👩‍💻

37. What sets if any do you have planned to make in the future

omg i have a a folder of things i wanna gif so there’s actually a lot i have in mind but i probably won’t get to it for a while hsghfj i do plan on making another how got6 treat baby bam and for yugyeom and youngjae too tho!! one day 🤞

38. What are you really excited to gif that isn’t out yet

oh mannn i don’t really know 😩

39. How often, if ever, do you delete old sets that you don’t like anymore

i don’t think i’ve ever deleted a set 😟 it’s mostly bc i want to have the opportunity to go back and see how much of a change i’ve made 

40. Why do you make gifs

bc i think it’s fun!! i enjoy the coloring process 😌 and to annoy the got7 tag gsjjhsfjgh

41. What is your least favorite part about your gif making process

hmm i don’t really dislike any of the steps.... maybe making the layers ? i don’t really know ghfshjs i’m used to giffing and the process so nothing really bothers me

42. How is your gif folder organized? Is it organized at all?

ppl have gif folders 😧😧????!?!?!??!!!!!???!??!

43. Do you keep videos forever or delete them once you’re done giffing

it depends honestly... i mostly delete videos after a long while or transfer them to a usb bc my laptop memory is really bad 💔

44. Ever had a gif become a meme? Would you like that if you haven’t

uhm i don’t think it has? and i haven’t really thought about it but i don’t think i’d mind

45. Ever gotten hate over a set

fortunately not yet!! ❤️

46. Ever gotten a really sweet compliment over a set

sometimes u guys compliment my work in the tags and it makes my heart soar and turn mushy every time 🥺🥺

48. How would you describe your giffing style

hmmm colorful? very vibrant?? 🌈✨

49. How much would you say you’ve improved since you first giffing

omg SO MUCH!!! like a whole lot hgsjfh

[superemeralds]

Sonic 25th anniversary art book review

Hey guys, it’s Shadow. I bought this book. And I’m really emotional about it.

This review will feature a lot of pictures to prove my points.

TLDR; Don’t buy the book. Just ask me if you want a picture of anything. I believe other ppl already made scans of the good pages but If you want me to I can make scans of the few pages that atually do have concept art.

edit: you can buy the book ofc i just think its not worth it, mostly when you are poor as fuck like me and u go in for an investment. (though it would help maybe getting another, better one? I’m kinda conflicted here)

Onto the review:

Fist of all: this book is bigger than you think.

This is an intuos pen&touch small as size ref

The book weighs a ton and the quality of color and pager is amazing! 10/10 for quality. The binding seems lovely too.

Opening up you immediately feel the sonic atmosphere and you are greeted with text that i was unable to read because it had long ass fucking text in unnecessary passages.

I guess it could be of interest for some hardcore fans, or people who know nothing about the series at all, but as a fan it is very disheartening to see a fuckton of text about one single game, and then have other games completely dismissed from existence.

Sonic and the secret rings was totally left out and not mentioned once in the book, design changes like they happened in riders were not explained.

But. I need to get back in track and start with some formal stuff here.

The book has 245 Pages.

About 160 of those pages are dedicaded to the classic games ( 7 first years of sonic the hedgehog)

(pictured is the distribution between classic area 1991-1998 on the left; and the entire rest of sonic to the right)

And, don’t get me wrong, I would not be mad about this if there was actual good content like tons of sketches and level concepts! But there’s none of that.

instead we get this:

Huge prints of ingame sprites. A fuckton of them.

It’s nice to see how they designed the enemies but why Did they print out pixelated sprites so huge and with so much care for clean back grounds and then have messes like this

These two pages are the only ones in which these characters were ever mentioned at all.

Blaze’s debut game, Sonic Rush, was not mentioned once except for the little “info” on her page saying that she did actually debut in this game and it did, infact, exist.

We get worse pages, though.

These two are the only pages to 06 that we do get to see, and silver didn’t even get a double spread page. They just slapped the sketches on there, tiny, crowded.

Disrespectful.

How did they introduce other characters? Let’s have a look at a classic character!

wow that is neat!

t-theres more?

that feels kind of unnecessarily big but okay.

(he got one more double page of art with him and sonic together and he is seen in multiple other art pieces for other games throguhout the book. He’s also on one of those cool pages that you can extend out for a parnorama of chemical plant)

I thought! Hey every character will get such a cool introduction!

Thought.

The last character to get one of these is Shadow.

I thought: hey cool concept art! I can’t wait for everyone to have concept pages vs Final pages! Mostly cant wait for the silver one haha (we all know how that ended)

b-black on black? Shadow SA style art from 1998 ????

Boom shadow from 2016??? But boom came out 2014 ??? (they got that right w all other charcaters)

What comes right after that boom shadow, though? Big the cat.

and after big comes this disgrace.

This is the first time we see our God of Destruction: Chaos. And, besides a sonic battle spread, it is the only time. We don’t get to see perfect chaos. We don’t get to see SADX concept sketches. all we get is this:

It’s the same hue of orange. Why is it the runners model? We don’t know. Theres no concept of the echidna tribe, nothing to the lore...

Infact, the only modern game they offer concept art of is SA2.

Like w the classics they gave us stuff like this

below is all just for sonic 1 (or just sonic in 1991 in general as the book tends to organize things)

( i decided to leave out the 30 more pages of sprites and promotional art and unrelated jumbo that was more abt sonics image as new mascot for SEGA)

The below art is for sonic 2

kinda sparse, and not as much, but still colored concept art for the levels and stuff, right! I mean there are also tails sprites and promotional art and box art and variants and all that!!

lets move on to the more modern games!

Oh cool the SA games!!!

screenshots next to concept art! Me likey!

Wow that’s so cool! I’ve already seen two of those in generations but that’s fine! Cool having them physical now!

Oh my god! So much concept art! This is so cool! Even when non of it is colored I cherish it its so good!

I can’t wait to see this for all the games!!! Story book ones!!! yes!!! I’d like to see early concepts of riders!!!

(I totally forgot how little pages were left at this point)

I can’t wait to see unleashed concept art!!! The one I saw in my game is sooo good cant wait to have this shit printed!!!

Dragon road? nice! Oh hello there promo art!

woha a double spread page! This image is really unspectacular but I guess it’s nice!!! Can’t wait to see-

oh. Oh. that’s already all there is to unleashed.

Concept art? Who is that? Never heard of her.

Box art and characters is all we know. Screenshots maybe

anyone ask for a giant ass print of a screenshot of greenhill classic? no? too bad.

Don’t get me started on the 7 pges of Sonic Boom they have squeezed in there

While I hate boom, we can’t dismiss this horrible layout choice. Tiny pictures? Really?

What’s on the next page then that you don’t have the space for making them ncie and big?

Did they literally use a filler on that right page? You could’ve used that for concept art.

?????  YOU COULD’VE USED THIS INK TO PRINT A PRETTY SONIC UNLEASHED CONCEPT COLLAGE W TINY ASS PICTURES LIKE YOU DID W SONIC BOOM ON THAT TEXT PAGE.

Maybe I’m the biased one who thinks of Modern games to be of importance and for them to be more aesthetic and pretty and all that (i mean its mainly bc my fucked up brain cant process the classic games, too much color, too much going on, too sharp on the eyes)

but is it too much to want an even spread between classic and modern? To want justive for all the amazing characters?

If you didn’t get the book yet, then please dont. It’s not worth your money.

There are 5k prints of this book, and I sure as hell hope that there will be 5k disappointed fans.

[possibilistfanfiction]

hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was—i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol. 

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time. 

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year. 

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know. 

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol. 

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride