#what closure do I want? that things would’ve been fine if I was fuckinh normal
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keep havin dreams abt hs, I think my brains looking for closure or sumn
#today it was graduation m#maybe this’ll be the end#this one was more based in truth#a very specific type of heartbreak#one that I was over like. a week after it happened but it happened nonetheless#and a different one#one for a friendship I coulda had (and did funnily enough) and another for friendships I coulda kept#it’s been years. I don’t get it#im a different person life has moved on#I don’t get it man#what closure do I want? that things would’ve been fine if I was fuckinh normal#I get that#I do the thing where I assume everyone hates me and then I dip#I get it: I know that I’m not a good person. I know that I probably hurt people in my attempts to hurt myself#I know that self isolating was a bad choice but it’s tucking over man. nothing was as black n white as ohhh all my friends hate me#they tried to like me man. I had issues and problems and did everyone else. the difference is they handled there’s and I couldn’t.#it’s been years since I’ve rlly thought abt hs but this year it’s been like a dream a week#is my brain trying to warn me that I’m regressing? I don’t think I will or can just dip#im happy. ive unlearned so many unhealthy things man: im doing so much better. I want to live and be happy and make friends and have a job#is it my brain urging me to talk to people? ehhh that ship has sailed. we r all differnt ppl and I never fit#I don’t want to have these dreams anymore. they were gone for a while but this one fucked me up and I woke up crying and idk why#these dreams keep circling back to a crush I had in hs but im unpacking now that I just wanted to be his friend. and I think he did too but#either to him or the friend group. both of the friend groups#I fucked up both just the second one slower because im a flake and a loser :)#reaching out is a bad idea because it’ll only serve me (and even then it wouldn’t) it would not do anything positive for anyone else and#people have grown so much and I am just a relic they probably try to ignore and I don’t blame them#no one’s thinking of me or losing any sleep over me so it’s okay to just be a memory and hope it’s more fond than anything else#man. I wonder if it’s because I’m so convinced I’m gonna die this year
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