#what can i say i am a nonfiction bitch

[skatehepburn]

9 5 books for 2025

thank u @kshaar for the tag!

THIS IS WHERE I CONFESS:

i am not a good reader anymore. in between being a technology addict, reading more fanfiction than anything, and developing MS a few years back my capacity to sit with a book is... not great these days. (i know audiobooks count! but as someone who loooves quiet when i'm not driving i'd rather rebuild my capacity to read as much as i can)

BUT! We moved this summer, and i got a new library card and i have at least STARTED my first physical book in years. So i will make an aspirational list of books I want to check out and books that are sitting in my house, untouched after moving with us.*

Pure America: Eugenics and the Making of Modern Virginia, By Elizabeth Catte

Let This Radicalize You, by Kelly Hayes and Mariame Kaba

Modern Chronicles of Reaper's Coast, by "Cranley Huwbert" aka Divinity: Original Sin 2 lorebook which I am devouring in hopes of finishing a fic idea lol

Disability Visibility, ed. By Alice Wong

THICK, by Tressie McMillan Cottom

*(In the interest of making my goal achievable, I am making a shorter list <3 )

Tagging @lingerbythecranberries1993 and @electric-eccentricity bc they have good brains and i would like to know what feeds them

[centrally-unplanned]

There are two big "AI Art Discourse" events of note recently, which I thought were interesting: ACX's "AI Art Turing Test" and the new paper on "AI Poetry Beating Human Poetry". Both of these I think reveal the shape of "what is AI art for", and also say a lot about how these results were utilized in discourse.

To take the latter first, some academics quizzed people on some poetry and had these results:

We found that AI-generated poems were rated more favorably in qualities such as rhythm and beauty, and that this contributed to their mistaken identification as human-authored. Our findings suggest that participants employed shared yet flawed heuristics to differentiate AI from human poetry: the simplicity of AI-generated poems may be easier for non-experts to understand, leading them to prefer AI-generated poetry and misinterpret the complexity of human poems as incoherence generated by AI.

More human than human poems! This certainly seems impressive - and it is. You couldn't have gotten these results ~5 years ago. But that maybe doesn't mean as much as you might think? Because here is the opening half of the winning "Walt Whitman AI" Poem:

I hear the call of nature, the rustling of the trees, The whisper of the river, the buzzing of the bees, The chirping of the songbirds, and the howling of the wind, All woven into a symphony, that never seems to end. I feel the pulse of life, the beating of my heart, The rhythm of my breathing, the soul's eternal art, The passion of my being, that burns with fervent fire, The urge to live, to love, to strive, to reach up higher. I see the beauty all around, the glory of the earth, The majesty of mountains, the miracles of birth, The wonder of the cosmos, the mysteries of the stars, The poetry of existence, that echoes near and far

This fucking sucks. Straight up 2/10 poem. Did this bitch seriously establish the world's most predictable rhyme scheme only to try to rhyme wind with end? You had one job that you chose for yourself, and you screwed it up! This poem has been written a million times before, and says nothing - the Miley Cyrus lyrics of verse.

The reason this won is, yes, because AI tools have advanced heavily in the past few years. But it is also because it is being tested on a dead art. No one cares about poetry - certainly not the survey respondents:

We asked participants several questions to gauge their experience with poetry, including how much they like poetry, how frequently they read poetry, and their level of familiarity with their assigned poet. Overall, our participants reported a low level of experience with poetry: 90.4% of participants reported that they read poetry a few times per year or less, 55.8% described themselves as “not very familiar with poetry”, and 66.8% describe themselves as “not familiar at all” with their assigned poet. 

"Or less" is doing a LOT of work there; "yeah I read a few nonfiction books a year" oh sure, totally. 90% of these respondents haven't read a poem that wasn't displayed in the end credits of Minecraft since high school. No one does, poetry as a medium is essentially a relic. That isn't an insult to poets, by the way! There is no shame in being a niche. Not everyone can have the reach of hentai doujin artists; the community is small but they get a ton out of it. But you can't take the art of the community and expect that art to hit outside of it.

This survey didn't ask people to evaluate art; it asked people to evaluate their stereotypical impression of an art they don't care about. It was ~600 people hired off a website, they banged it out ASAP and moved on. This is not to invalidate the results; I am not actually claiming that "real" poets would have scored much better? Maybe, I don't know - that just isn't very relevant.

Let's swing to the AI Art Turing Test results to get more into why. Again, AI art is absolutely "art" in the sense that it is able to pass the test handily. You have to be head-in-the-sand at this point to think that AI can't make an impressionist painting a la the "most liked" art in this contest:

I have seen the "well real paintings have physicality this is a jpeg" discourse points and the cope couldn't be more real - 99% of art consumption in the modern world is digital or at least prints, let's get you back to bed grandma. But I did find it pretty funny that Scott noted this AI piece as one he particularly liked:

Because it is nonsensical, right? All that "faded paint", how was it originally painted - just bucket splashes of red and blue? What are those random doors, the random stairs going nowhere on the sides, the vague-nothings engravings? Scott just didn't care about that - he liked the vibe, right? Ancient ruins, epic scale. It isn't a coincidence that the Impressionist art did the best - current AI tools are always impressionist, they have an idea of the vibe and invent the details in between. In Impressionism that is the whole point.

Now the trap is to go "REAL artists can tell because of this or that" because idk, the tools might get better, they might fill in more and more details. The real revelation here is that you don't need the tools to get better - visual art isn't so different from poetry. Most people don't pay attention to it all that much. You see thousands, thousands of pieces of art a week; you probably don't even realize how many. Do you really care if the fading paint makes coherent sense on a billboard ad or a doctor's office wall painting? So much art that is made is "industrial" in this sense - it has no need to be good. Only good enough to fulfill its utilitarian role. In these fields AI absolutely is going to Take Your Jobs in some form, and already is (though imo not a ton of them). And it won't really bother most people. This can go pretty deep - I promise you people are "utilizing" AI porn right now. They are ~appreciating the details~ way more than is typical, the product is working.

All this works until it doesn't, though. When it is an art book by a favourite artist whose vision you want to pour over, learning that all the individual details were just made by AI completely defeats the purpose, right? Imagine reading a book of these poems. Outside of the novelty, "AI is the point" factor you would rather watch infomercials on repeat, I can't imagine a more pointless use of my time. "Reading arbitrary poems" is never fun, regardless of the quality of the poems. Most people don't care about poetry! The reason you care is that you care about the poet, and what they want to say. You read poetry with context, it being inserted with intent into the pages of a manga, at the end of a video game, because you like the artist and follow them on twitter. The quality of the prose isn't more important than that.

Which is a harsh limit for all of these kinds of tests. They essentially aren't testing art, right? You do not ever get paid twenty bucks to sit down and read a dozen poems and score them. That has no bearing on how you would actually ever learn to care about a poem. Which doesn't make AI art useless or anything, more that these tests will very quickly run into their limits of what they can meaningfully tell you. The actual bar is "creating something someone cares about". From that lens, I fully believe hybrid methods that privilege artistic intent are currently working and will improve. But I think for "solo" AI art getting that to work is going to be complicated.

[mr-saavik]

Midyear Book Freakout Tag 2024

Haven't done this in a few years and no one asked for it but here we go

1) Best book:

Lots of contenders for this, but I think it has to be A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf. Fantastic writing on a great subject

2) Best sequel:

I haven't really read any traditional sequels where a story continues on from another, but any of the Sherlock Holmes books/short story collections works for this. Maybe The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes or The Hound of the Baskvilles as favorites? Idk

3) New releases you want to read

Henry Henry by Allen Bratton, but idk when I'll get to it because I'd need to get an interlibrary loan

4) Most anticipated release

I'm lowkey bad at keeping up with whats coming out BUT I am excited to read Failure to Comply by @librarycards

5) Biggest Disappointment

Probably Disability Visibility edited by Alice Wong because I had heard it was great and a good introduction to writings on disability, but ended up being a very mixed collection of writings and a lot of it just felt meh

6) Biggest Surprise

Perhaps Zong! by M. NourbeSe Philip? Not surprise in the sense that once I knew what it was I thought I wouldn't like it, but surprise in the sense I had never heard of it until I was assigned to read it in a class about literature of the Middle Passage

7) Favorite new author

Virginia Woolf. I've read Orlando before but I don't really remember it; reading A Room of One's Own made me realize I love her writing style

8) Newest fictional crush

Closest answer I can give to this is Sherlock Holmes because I do love that bitch but idk if "crush" is the right word for it or if he counts as new if I was familiar with his character from the Granada tv series

9) Newest favorite character

To not repeat saying Sherlock Holmes, I'm going to say Merricat Blackwood from We Have Always Lived in the Castle even though I've read that before, so again, it doesn't really count as new

10) A book that made you cry

None despite historically being a known crier

11) A book that made you happy

Uhhhhh I guess one of the Sherlock Holmes ones? I tend to read sad shit and reviewing what I've read so far this year there isn't really "happy" material besides that

12) Most beautiful book you've bought or received

Big fan of these two

13) What books do you need to read by the end of the year?

Well. Finish what I'm currently reading (Slouching Towards Bethlehem by Joan Didion, Noor by Nnedi Okorafor, Moby Dick by Herman Melville, The Return of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle), also read Before We Were Trans by Kit Heyam because I have it out from the library, same with The White Album by Joan Didion because it is also in the massive book of nonfiction work from Didion I have out from the library, and I think Sara @colors-changing-hue & I are going to attempt to finish all of the Sherlock Holmes books by the end of the year but we've been slow on that recently so we'll see if that happens (to complete the series we'd nees to finish The Return of Sherlock Holmes and then read The Valley of Fear, His Last Bow, and The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes). Besides all of that for fun, once classes start back up I will be reading a lot of Shakespeare for my class on his early plays, some medieval romances for a class on that genre, and probably some books about Hitchcock because I'm taking a class on his films and the professor teaching it usually assigns a few whole books to read besides articles & stuff

[nerdby]

So the new Deadpool & Wolverine trailer was released.

There have been some people saying that -- surprise, surprise -- the TVA is going to be a villain in the movie and I'm not sure why but they seem confused about why the TVA would be villains.

Peeps, the TVA are cops and they're probably the most accurate depiction of cops in the history of copaganda.

Like they spend the ENTIRE first season of Loki trying to kill a very obviously trans-coded Sylvie -- literally hunting her down to kill her. If y'all don't know nothing about that ya need to Google Trans While Walking laws in the US. It literally lets the cops arrest ANY trans people they think could be sex workers. New York was one of the first states to repeal the law in 2019. But it's not just Sylvie, the TVA is after -- they just straight up MURDER anyone who steps out of line in ANY timeline EVER.

And in season two they commit MASS GENOCIDE against hundreds of thousands of variants in branched timelines for no fucking reason. Just because they existed.

"Oh but Milo the thing was melting down--"

Yes, and that was proven to be a completely moot point because even after they fixed the thingamajig -- I forgot the name and I don't have Disney+ right now -- it STILL fucking melted down because of Kang bullshit.

"Oh but Milo remember when Loki became Yggdrasil?"

Yes, Milo remembers Loki becoming the God of stories and custodian of the multiverse. That's the actual term from the comics. It's not the same thing as being a janitor. Exactly....? Cause his job is kinda to just be there and make sure things don't get tangled up and fucked up so....Huh. Is Loki a janitor?🤔

Welp, I'm sure that'll offend some batshit fanperson somewhere.

You know what else Milo remembers?

When Loki went back and saved the bad cops who committed MASS GENOCIDE and recruited them to work for the TVA again. And also that by the end of the second season the TVA's job was to observe and intervene to prevent -- basically they're the fucking thought police. Literally.

They might be worse than the fucking cops -- the TVA might as well just be the Marvelverse version of the fucking CIA. TVA. CIA. Why am I just now noticing this?😶 Anyway, there are whole ass lists of history books -- nonfiction -- and documentaries about why the CIA are terrorists so....

But getting back to DP & Wolvey....

The second season of Loki was basically -- the plot was a metaphor for the importance of police reform, right? But here's the thing we need to remember about TVA agents: They're only humans. Some of whom are perfectly okay with committing widespread, mass genocide and I don't know if we're gonna see Loki in DP & Wolvey, but I feel like that Loki might maybe be sitting on his Yggdrasil throne going,

"Son of a bitch -- Sylvie was right. You people are just infuckingcapable of not being terrorists."

Hopefully cause I swear to fucking fuck if I have to see Loki defending the CIA -- even though he can be a little delusional at times so it wouldn't exactly be out of character -- I will just not be okay. I will set the fucking cinema on fire. Not really but I will fantasize about it🤣

And that's why I think we're gonna see them turn on Wade and Logan, though. Because the good eggs are just outnumbered by the bad eggs unfortunately. The TVA is gonna use Wade to do their dirty work and just be like

Anyway, I'm sorry my thoughts are kind of all over the place right now. I might be moving soon and I'm kinda manic right now. I don't know why I'm telling you that😂

[kinniie00]

HEY BUDDY :D !!! lion, maine coon, american shorthair, tiger, cougar, and fishing cat !!

HIIII!!! 👾

This is so many omg

Lion - I'm probably most proud of how far I've come over the last few years, I went through a lot and am still learning to live with some of it. It's definitely shaped a bit of who I am now, but I'd like to think I have grown from it and carried it with me rather than living in that dump forever :) AND MY FRIENDS IM SO SO SO PROUD OF THEM AND HOW MUCH THEY'VE DONE AND I WISH THE BEST FOR ALL OF YOU :((

Maine Coon - Honestly I'm not too sure how others would describe me, or even how to encapsulate my personality into one word--I'd like to say I'm energetic but I also have my moments of not being as much, I'm nice but I know I can be a bitch, I'm a lot of things but I'm really unsure of what word could describe me, plus I don't remember any good descriptive words rn :') (I'm so tired)

American Shorthair - I have many things that comfort me, id say my friends are my biggest comfort, as cheesy as it is. My friends remind me I'm not alone and have reasons to keep going, even when it feels impossible. I also often tend to latch onto games and streamers/YouTubers for comfort (a big one is hermitcraft!! :D), many of the people I watch now are people who practically raised me and I love them dearly. Another few smaller things that I find help comfort me are things like music, tea, or small things like animals (my cat!!!) or stuffed animals :3

Tiger - Another one that I'm not entirely sure how to answer :( "Being cute and being mine" -☀️ I think I went through the 5 stages of grief trying to come up with something that's all you're getting, oh yeah and my worst is probably the fact that I'm indecisive or like impulsive idk

Cougar - Hehehe fandoms 😇 Definitely undertale, fnaf, and sanders sides in the later years. I was (unfortunately) an aphmau kid back in 2015 but that was more watching her content and less fandom stuff. The undertale and fnaf ones definitely didn't ever stop, I got really into sans aus back during covid and relied on all three of those fandoms for comfort during the quarantine too. Sanders sides definitely helped me over the years before and during covid, it was definitely a rough time in my life as I was learning new things about myself and others around me, and it helped me so much with learning how to be me and accept myself as I am. As for a fandom I'm really active in now, id say the one I'm most active in is Hermitcraft (so surprising!!! 🙀) I got super into it back in season 6 when grian joined because I watched his content before he joined, and now I watch most of the hermits, I do tend to focus on a few each season while watching the occasional stream/video from the others though! I also listen to the imp & skizz podcast, and I find it rather comforting when I'm stressed, I love the hermits so much and they've definitely helped me so much without even knowing :) (and the fandom is so silly I love everyone)

Fishing Cat - I have so many I'm definitely going to forget some, I love learning new things and it's led to many hobbies that I do and will probably get back into in the future! :) I do crochet, it's something I have been learning since I was really young but couldn't get the hang of it for the longest time because my mom had a hard time teaching me it since she's left handed, I love reading, I read all kinds of things from old novels & poetry, romance and mystery, to nonfiction and sci-fi, I enjoy reading anything as long as it can keep my interest, and I loveee getting reccomended books (even though my to-be-read list is SO long), I like small crafts like jewelry making but it hurts my hands (especially the more intricate ones like fancy necklaces, bracelets, earrings), i love gaming, its a big part of who I am seeing as I grew up doing it, and even though i dont it as much anymore I still enjoy it and love playing games with my friends!! I enjoy drawing, but it's stressful because I'm not great at it and am way too perfectionistic over it. I used to paint but I never got too good at it and never had proper supplies, it was very fun though and I'd definitely get back into it sometime down the line. I listen to a lot of music, and watch youtubers/streamers. I like to go on walks, but with some of my health issues I don't go on them as often (I definitely will do more this summer though!!) and hanging out with my friends and animals. I plan on getting into sewing and possibly cosplay sometime so that will be fun to learn! I love creative hobbies, despite how stressful they can be when they don't go how I wanted it to :) I love seeing things I'm able to make evolve and get better and I get better at doing it, and I love consuming information and seeing people be people!!

I'm so sorry this is a lot of yapping even for me 😭

[luxuriousmalfoy]

This or That

I was tagged by @felixantares TYSM FELIX FOR TAGGING ME!!!!!!!!!! It's been a million years and i'm awful for waiting this long lmao

Hardcover or Paperback? Paperback!!!! My hands cramp so quickly from hardcovers so the ones i have are either bc it was the only copy i could find at the used bookstore or just a copy i don't physically read from bc i also own the audiobook. (I'm looking at you, The Anthropocene Reviewed)

Bookstore or Library? EASILY the library, it's free and stimulates the community hello. I like Libby bc i can check out audiobooks and ebooks from my local library!!!!

Bookmark or Receipt? i have a bunch of cute bookmarks so sure i use those but like Felix i am a dog earer! idk it's just always an available option lmao

Standalone or Series? it's definitely less pressure to pick up a standalone bc i don't have to worry about feeling overwhelmed, but sometimes there will come a long series (cough, 39 clues) that i just get so obsessed with and have to binge read. AGAIN like Felix most of my favorites are in series!! BUT standalones are low presh

Nonfiction or Fiction? Fiction! I like the occasional memoir or essay collection or like history book or something, but GENERALLY i prefer to go for Fiction titles

Thriller or Fantasy? honestly thriller!! though i will clarify--i'm not that interested in adult thrillers for the most part. not to be reductive but the divorcee thrillers really bore me. i love a good YA thriller though, from slashers to murder mysteries i just love them!! some of my favorites are (ironically i'm about to list some series') A Good Girl's Guide to Murder, The Amateurs, and One of Us is Lying.

Under 300 Pages or Over? Also over! I do like a short read but between 300 and 400 pages is like the audiobook sweet spot for me honestly

Children’s or YA? YA/Middle Grade for sure!! My favorite book is Holes which is a children's book technically but yeah i freaking love some good YA Middle Grade books

Friends to Lovers or Enemies to Lovers? It depends on the genre for me honestly, but sometimes i think Friends to Lovers has higher stakes and as it stands that's what i would go for, though that could change at any given moment tbh

Read in Bed or Read on the Couch? I do most of my reading in the car technically bc i listen to audiobooks while i drive a lot lmao

Read at Night or Read in the Morning? Day time! It's too scary to read thrillers in the dark LOL

Keep Pristine or Markup? I am such a markup bitch i love to highlight and write notes in the margins fr!!!!!!! I annotate Holes at least once a year

Cracked Spine or Dogear? Majorly controversh but BOTH. I dogear all the time and i am a compulsive spine cracker. It's just too satisfying. But also I'll say i have not spent my whole life as a book person, so idek if i have more than like 2 books that i've had for more than like 3 years anyways

OKAY i'm tagging @vitaminpops @silently--here and @iammyownsaviour, if you've already done this obv ignore

[thefunbible]

Genesis 18

01 The Earl appeared to him by the oaks of Mamre, as he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day.

02 He lifted up his eyes and looked, and saw that three males stood near him. When he saw them, he ran to meet them from the tent door, and bowed himself to the dirt,

03 and said, “My earl, if now I have found favor in your sight, please don’t go away from your subservient.

04 Now let a little water be fetched, wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree.

05 I will get a piece of yum loaf so you can refresh your heart. After that you may go your way, now that you have come to your subservient.” They said, “Very well, do as you have said.”

06 Billy hurried into the tent to Sarah, and said, “Quickly prepare three seahs of fine meal however the fuck you do, knead it, and make cakes.”

07 Billy ran to the herd, and fetched a tender and good calf, and gave it to the subservient. He hurried to dress it.

08 He took butter, milk, and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them. He stood by them under the tree, and they ate.

09 They asked him, “Where is Sarah, your lady-spouse?” He said, “There, in the tent.”

10 He said, “I will certainly return to you at about this time next year; and behold, Sarah your lady-spouse will have a male-spawn because that’s about how long a pregnancy takes.” Sarah heard in the tent door, which was behind him.

11 Now Billy and Sarah were old, well advanced in a nonfictional number of years in age. Sarah had passed the age of childbearing, so she was one-hundred percent menopausal.

12 Sarah laughed within herself, saying, “After I have grown old will I have pleasure, my earl being old also?”

13 The Earl said to Billy, “Why did Sarah laugh, saying, ‘Will I really bear a varmint when I am old?’

14 Is anything too hard for The Earl? At the set time I will return to you, when the season comes around, and Sarah will have a male-spawn.”

15 Then Sarah denied it, saying, “I didn’t laugh,” for she was afraid. He said, “No, but you did laugh. Don’t lie, bitch.”

16 The males rose up from there, and looked toward Sodom. Billy went with them to see them on their way.

17 The Earl said, “Will I hide from Billy what I do,

18 since Billy will surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the pale blue dot will be blessed in him except those they brutally murder and colonize?

19 For I have known him, to the end that he may command his varmints and his household after him, that they may keep the way of The Earl, to do fanaticism and justice; to the end that The Earl may bring on Billy that which he has spoken of him.”

20 The Earl said, “Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their whoops is very grievous,

21 I will go down now, and see whether their deeds are as bad as the reports which have come to me. If not, I will know.”

22 The males turned from there, and went toward Sodom, but Billy stood yet before The Earl.

23 Billy came near, and said, “Will you consume the fanatic with the naughty?

24 What if there are fifty fanatic within the city? Will you consume and not spare the place for the fifty fanatic who are in it?

25 May it be far from you to do things like that, to kill the fanatic with the naughty, so that the fanatic should be like the naughty. May that be far from you. Shouldn’t the Judge of all the pale blue dot do right?”

26 The Earl said, “If I find in Sodom fifty fanatic within the city, then I will spare the whole place for their sake.”

27 Billy answered, “See now, I have taken it on myself to speak to the Lord, although I am manure, dust, and ashes.

28 What if there will lack five of the fifty fanatic? Will you destroy all the city for lack of five?” He said, “I will not destroy it if I find forty-five there.”

29 He spoke to him yet again, and said, “What if there are forty found there?” He said, “I will not do it for the forty’s sake.”

30 He said, “Oh don’t let the Lord be angry, and I will speak. What if there are thirty found there?” He said, “I will not do it if I find thirty there.”

31 He said, “See now, I have taken it on myself to speak to the Lord. What if there are twenty found there?” He said, “This haggle is getting silly. I will not destroy it for the twenty’s sake.”

32 He said, “Oh don’t let the Lord be angry, and I will speak just once more. What if ten are found there?” He said, “I will not destroy it for the ten’s sake for fuck sake.”

33 The Earl rolled his eyes and went his way as soon as he had finished communing with Billy, and Billy returned to his place.

[cartograffiti]

August '23 reading diary

I finished 9 books in August, and unfortunately several of them were disappointments. I'm looking forward to doing some rereads in September, one with friends of Tamora Pierce's Circle of Magic series (which, actually, will include books I never got my hands on the first time), and one solo canon review of a favorite KJ Charles novel to edit a fic for an exchange. No fear of a reading slump being set off, is what I'm saying.

I continued reading the Whyborne & Griffin series by Jordan L. Hawk, this time getting through Necropolis, which was a very enjoyable Egyptology adventure jaunt introducing new characters, and Bloodline, which had lower lows (very frustrating argument and lying plot thread between the main couple) and higher highs (great developments in the ongoing storylines of Whyborne's family and the colony of fish people off the coast of Massachusetts.) I continue to enjoy these books, and it's fun to see both the characters and Hawk's writing develop, but sometimes I am awfully glad they're short, so issues get resolved or at least "parked" quickly.

Snow Place Like LA is the #1.5 novella in the Christmas Notch romance series by Sierra Simone and Julie Murphy, the first of which (A Merry Little Meet Cute) I absolutely adored. This was merely fine. I like Angel and Luca, and animator and costumer who do work for Angel's dad's porn-and-movies-for-a-spoof-of-the-Hallmark-Channel studio; they're lively characters who contribute a lot of humor and charm. But this novella had much less going on than the first novel did, and I kept feeling like I wasn't learning anything about them or their relationship that couldn't have been incorporated into the main series entries. It was a bit like reading a pleasant, well-done fanfiction, not because it felt inauthentic, but just because it felt...extra.

I did read another of Agatha Christie's books, which always stick the landing. Sleeping Murder is a Miss Marple case about a young woman who has bought a house for herself and her new husband, only to be plagued by a sense that she's been in this house before, and seen someone killed there. This has a really wonderful portrait of what we understood about childhood memories and the unconscious in the mid-70s (as I've said before, it's a shame to strip Christie's social commentary by resetting her late works in the interwar period), and a thrilling finale moment of Miss Marple saving a life via gardening equipment.

One really fabulous nonfiction book this month was Zaria Ware's Blk Art, an image-heavy exploration of historical black artists and models working in the West. Many of the works featured are very striking and completely new to me, and the text is succinct and clear enough to be recommended to friends without a lot of art history background. When possible, Ware also gives bio sketches, which provide peeks into the lives of black professionals from businessmen to trapeze artists. Broad rather than deep, and excellent.

I always look forward to new installments of the Countess of Harleigh mysteries by Dianne Freeman, but A Newlywed's Guide to Fortune and Murder wasn't her tightest case. I finished the book still not clear on the culprit's motive. Still, I like the detective Frances, who is a widowed dollar princess (one of the wealthy Americans who married into English nobility). This series deals to an unusual degree with the realities of money and the law. Frances's cases usually come into her lap not through seeking out mysteries, but through assisting debutantes in a low-key pursuit of income, and the differences between consequences for her snooping, compared to what her friends in the secret service and police force can do, are very marked. I'm sure I'll enjoy the next more.

A new-to-me author in romance, TJ Alexander, put out a book this year that Smart Bitches, Trashy Books noted has two transgender mains, so I grabbed it without having read the first in the series. That was fine, Chef's Choice mostly stands alone, and I had a lot of fun with it! Luna has suddenly lost her job, and wealthy restaurateur Jean-Pierre has, in the process of arranging a culinary test to prove a point to his unsupportive relatives, lied about a nonexistent girlfriend, so he offers her a deal. I love fake dating plots, and this features a lot of my favorite things about them. Luna and Jean-Pierre have had very different experiences in their transitions, which means they sometimes argue about how to handle things, but I found it a refreshing change from more abundant plots where one trans person explains how things are to their cis partner. I was also delighted to see bespoke genitals eroticized; I think bottom surgery is somewhat under-represented in trans sex writing. I had some quibbles with the book as a novel, because the pacing was funky and sometimes the plot keeping Luna and Jean-Pierre interacting didn't really gel, but it's unusual and charming, and I was happy every time I opened it. I think cis readers with an interest should grab it, and trans readers will have the most fun if they can choose a time it won't be frustrating if they run into a pet peeve--the issues raised are varied and sometimes written in a way assuming cis readers need them spelled out. It is, after all, traditionally published.

My least favorite read this month was the nonfiction lifestyle guide Goblin Mode. This is about the Tumblr-popular goblincore aesthetic, and while author McKayla Coyle features inspired crafting ideas and engaging nature writing, they also had some real problems writing about the political values of the scene. In some cases, their attempt at brevity left out key information (like...why they were even bringing up subjects that I knew were important only because I'm already familiar with goblincore), and in particular, passages that touched on matters of race, ethnicity, and religion were objectionably awkward, and needed more revision (if I'm being generous).

But fortunately, I finished August with my favorite read of the month, Baking Yesteryear! This is the new cookbook by B. Dylan Hollis, whom you've probably seen making vintage recipes of highly variable quality in videos originally posted to TikTok. This book compiles many of his favorites from the 1900s through the 1980s, and just a few of the very worst. I found many recipes I'm interested in trying, and I am impressed by the clarity of Dylan's directions and the specificity of his tips to ensure they work. I'm particularly excited by how many of the recipes included are based on unusual techniques or flavors, like no-flour macaroons, which means I'll probably want to own a copy. Although it's not as comedy-dense as the videos, there's a lot of humor and joy in the text, and a it's great showcase of Dylan's ability to inspire.

[chronic-ghost]

Bookish asks: 1, 3, 5, 7 💕

1. What are you currently reading/what is the last book you read?

Currently reading The Daughter of Doctor Moreau by Silvia Moreno-Garcia. It came out last week and I'm drinking it up like a kid with cola.

3. What is your current recommendation for anyone looking for something to read?

ahhh, recommendations are always tricky because reading is so subjective. but one book that i think most people would get a kick out of is Weapons of Math Destruction by Cathy O’Neil. It’s nonfiction book that explores the social impact of our world being run by algorithms. I think a lot of people put stock into numbers and statistics for arguments on how to run social programs, but in reality, our world is so much more complicated than that. I am NOT a math/numbers person and even I enjoyed this. 

5. The book you can finish and then immediately start again without hesitation?

Any and all of Simone St. James's books. I adore her 1920s England ghost mysteries - like deeply, all of them hit every single one of my fave tropes - and i was surprised to find I liked so many of her modern ghost/true crime novels.

7. Favorite series when you were a kid.

Embarrassing to admit (and I never thought I'd say that) but Harry Potter. It showed me opened the world of reading to me and then writing. My first fic was an HP one. Harry will always be like a brother, but the world as a whole is pretty dead for me. Even if the newer movies resembled some coherent plot, JK Rowling is a bitch.

[sergeant-angels-trashcan]

i don’t remember who sent me the ask because i’m too tired to look it up but Kate Bishop and BBC Sherlock is just. so funny to me right now.

Kate gets stuck in BBC Sherlock’s world because she’s on a multiuniversal nerd trip to visit as many Sherlocks as possible with Teddy and Billy

and she gets stuck in BBC Sherlock’s world because Billy and Teddy get yoinked back to their universe

Kate is like, well, fuck, aight guess i’m here

she meets Sherlock 2 seconds before Watson shows up sorry fam

they wind up rooming because why not

Sherlock sees her do something very other universey and Sherlock is ????

“you know what they say, once you eliminate the impossible whatever remains however improbable must be blah blah bleh”

“WHY ARE YOU QUOTING ME AT ME?”

“what tf are you sherlock holmes or smth”

“yes actually”

lots of glaring

Sherlock looks her up probably and asks why she’s pretending to be a fictional superhero

only he calls her a pseudo hero

AND THINKS HE’S VERY FUNNY

“have you heard the thing that there’s no fiction just nonfiction in the wrong universe?”

“i think i hate you”

kate complains CONSTANTLY that she’s not in elementary!sherlock’s universe

“why don’t you have bees?”

“where is joan”

“you mean your housekeeper ISN’T a tall beautiful trans lady who is a book expert”

“why can’t we live in a brownstone, i miss brooklyn, uuuggghhhhhhhhh”

Sherlock does the Thing about her phone and Kate informs him that she has hand tremors from her antidepressants and is clumsy as fuck so try again

Kate is ACTUALLY a PI so eventually they will have an awesome business

after they stop bitching at each other

they’re constantly trying to out-detective each other and all of Scotland Yard keeps a tally of who has better hunches/zingers

there’s a group chat for detectives to share the best ones

Sherlock and Kate are absolutely memed

Kate does the first episode shooting through the window thing but with an arrow and lestrade is staring at her, “so...you have a bow and arrow. but you didn’t--you didn’t shoot--you didn’t shoot him--”

“i’ve never seen that arrow in my life officer”

(”fuckin cops”)

somehow she is also with sherlock during the whole poison pill scene and she is NOT impressed. 

“are you. are you for real. it’s. this is. this is iocane powder.  a clever man would put the poison into his own pill, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the pill in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool so I can clearly not choose the pill in front of me.”

sherlock is BEGGING her to stop

at some point he gives her a piggyback ride

idk i just need them snarking constantly at each other and stealing each other’s scarves

[elucere]

Sad Late August Quarantine Thoughts 2.0

Last year, I wrote this. Basically my thoughts on how I felt in my life up to that point and what quarantine had illuminated. It felt cathartic then, so hopefully it’ll feel cathartic now. A part of that probably had to do with the fact that the last part was complete bullshit, but we’ll get into that later.

At nearly the slightest inconvenience now, I’ll say “I’m at my limit”. Technically, that isn’t really true because if I was really at my limit, at the next inconvenience I would completely lose it. But no, I’m just simply reminding myself that while I’m constantly met with a series of unfortunate events, I haven’t broken down yet. I might feel like I’m there, but I’m not. I’m just at my limit. Things are bad, but they aren’t the worst they could be yet. So keep in mind, I am very much at my limit as I’m writing this.

Last year I talked about my struggles with my job. Yeah, I got fired in February. It was not pretty either. I knew I wasn’t doing well performance wise, and they invited me into a zoom call that they said was a project meeting a week before my year anniversary and fired me. My supervisor (or I guess, ex-supervisor) cried on call. I didn’t cry until afterwards. It was an entire year of me trying to get better, him promising that it’ll come with time, and then getting sacked because “we didn’t see improvements”. Really, really fucking sucked. And it messed with me for a long time because I kept replaying those last few weeks, trying to decipher what I could’ve done differently to prove my worth and keep my position. There was a lot. I felt really guilty.

I think the worst part is that I got a performance warning in December and realized at that point I’d become so apathetic about my job that I needed professional help. I’d been trying to go to therapy for a long time, but it never panned out. My mom forbade it when I was in high school, it was practically impossible to get an appointment at my college’s mental health facility unless you were considered a threat to yourself and others (which I most certainly did not want on my record), and after school life happened so fast with the pandemic and the fact that I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my mom and my brother with very little privacy. Even now that I’ve convinced my mom that therapy is okay, actually, she still highly disproves and sees it as some sort of psychological failing on my part. Which is. Sure. Whatever. Why not.The reason I did not enroll in therapy that December is actually because my dad lost his job and with it, his health insurance, and with that, my health insurance. That means I had to enroll in a health plan through my employment, which became an unanticipatedly long process. I actually got my new-but-useless health insurance card in the mail a few days after I got fired. They actually fired me on the last day of the month, so my benefits wouldn’t extend beyond that month. That’s a bit of fun irony.

To quite a few of my friends, this story solidified the idea that insurance=therapy. As soon as I got insurance again, I’d be able to finally get some help. This was a couple of people’s first response to me when I got hired again (yay, I know I don’t have to worry about that anymore but I’m also afraid that I’ll just inevitably be fired again so I don’t let myself have the victory). I know my friends only want the best for me, and I can’t expect them be able to emotionally support me like a professional, but I’m afraid that they think that therapy will  be some sort of magical fix of sorts. I don’t mean in the sense of just getting better mentally, but I think being a tolerable person. I know that sounds like I’m just being self-depreciating, but let me explain.

A few years ago I was at dinner with one of my friends. I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about, but she goes “name three things you actually like” because I was probably being negative or something. I said a few things and whatever, but that comment stuck with me for a long time. I thought it was especially poignant or something. Am I so unhappy all the time because I fixate on things I don’t like? It could be connected to the attitude of social media to be outwardly negative. Casual wisdom, you know.

Well, that was the fact until I was out with that same friend and we visited Barnes and Noble. I’ve been doing quite a bit of reading this year and got more involved in the book community, so I have many Opinions. Some are good, some are bad, some are just me being annoying. After an hour of browsing the shelves, we drive home. I start talking about a series I really like in the car and she goes “It’s nice to hear you talk about a book you actually like.” Which kind of stunned me because I had just did a lot of talking about books I liked. How happy I was that kids were still reading Rangers Apprentice, going out of my way to see how many Brandon Sanderson books I could find in the Adult Fantasy section, and more reminiscing in the Young Adult section about books I liked recently or as a teen. The truth is, I talk about stuff I like all the time to people who will listen. Ask me about my favorite books! My favorite movies! My favorite musicals! I promise I will not shut up. It’s one of the few things I have that lift my spirits when I talk about it, I just don’t get the opportunity to much because it’s hard to find people who want to listen.

The thing is, I’m naturally a critical person, I think. I love tearing things apart, in good and bad ways. I also love gossip. I’m an okay gossip, but I know at this point that I’m a good critic. I’m really good at identifying faults and commenting them on an insightful or constructive way. I edit a lot of my friends’ writings for this reason. I don’t find that to be anything negative, it’s just something that’s interesting to me. Basically what I’m saying is, what if it’s not mental illness and I’m just annoying and I’ll not be able to meet the expectations of other people’s idea of progress for me and I’ll be a disappointment. I’m kind of tearing up while typing that out while listening bopping to Disturbia by Rihanna but this is the third time I’ve been on the verge of crying today so yaknow maybe it is just mental illness.At this point, I can either talk about criticism in relation to the particular way I dish it, or I could talk about how I want to receive it. I think the former will take less time to elaborate, so I’ll start with that.

I mention last year how I got an unpaid gig as a critic for DiscussingFilm. Embarrassing at times, I joke with my friends that “DiscussingFilm Writer” is a slur, but it’s cool at times as well. I got a press pass to go to Sundance and gorged on an entire family sized bag of peanut M&Ms while I watched like 14 movies in one weekend. I’m trying to say positive things about this until I start ragging to prove that I’m not an overwhelmingly negative person, but I don’t think that’s working well. Whatever. The point is, if I didn’t like it I would quit, but if I did quit it wouldn’t be because I didn’t like it. It would because there was an…event. I had quite a falling out with one of the higher-ups that run the site and in response my work has taken a hit. I won’t go into too much detail, but I don’t get assigned anticipated releases anymore. My work is often delayed going out and, in turn, I feel less motivated to turn in my work on time. And then on top of that, it’s rarely promoted. I have examples on top of examples, but this stupid thing is getting long enough. To summarize the DiscussingFilm situation, I feel like shit. I have one of the lowest view counts on the site. I’m told that my work is good and it’s valued, but not enough to get reposted, I guess! Why bother. And also because the person I do not work well with is quite up in the food chain, I’ll never see a promotion. I wanted to become an editor so bad (I do editing on the side for my friends and enjoy it), but now it will never ever happen. I don’t have the opportunity to prove myself, it’s just completely off the table by nature of leadership. Ass. Complete ass. I’m doing quite a bit of work for DiscussingFilm including creating the standard for the Instagram, making graphics for the Instagram, performing interviews and writing reviews for the site, and co-hosting a DiscussingFilm branded podcast, and I will never see neither a dime for my work or recognition in any meaningful or significant way. I don’t have a say in anything, and I feel like an insignificant cog whose opinion does not mean much.

I still get insecure with my reviews, but not as much anyways. Sure, I can’t compare to the great writers at trades who do this for a living and have been doing so for years. But, I am better than a lot of writers at my level. Sometimes I try pitching to other publications, but so far I’ve only been met with rejection. It kinda stings to know that my work is not worth enough to be paid for, but I’m kinda over it. I still pitch. I try my best. That’s the thing about me, I just keep going. Rejection hurts like a bitch, but whatever. I don’t want to quit just yet, so I guess I won’t. There isn’t anyone in my corner who’s actively spurring me to keep going, I’ve just decided that I’ll get paid for my work one day and so now I will.This connects with the criticism I want to receive which unfortunately very much is not of the nonfiction variety. Ew I fucking hate talking about this but I need to get it off my chest.

After I got fired, I was slipping into quite a bit of a depression. I started a podcast at this time with my friend to try and prevent that, but I knew that I probably needed another project. I wasn’t watching movies anymore, DiscussingFilm was not publishing my shit, and all I was doing all day was reading (which I don’t anymore, I’m in a slump and it’s definitely connected to the idea I have in the next sentence). So I had the brilliant idea of “hey, I could do that. I could write a book. I should do it to do it.”You see, this has not been my only attempt at writing a proper book. I tried when I was 13, I tried when I was 15 and into online literate roleplay, I tried when I was 18 by doing NaNoWriMo in college (also, I was actually more depressed then). I also tried to get into a short story class in college that you had to submit a story to get into and didn’t even make it on the waitlist. Nothing stuck. But hey, I was unemployed and I came up with a funny premise that I wasn’t too attached to, so why not?

The book is not funny. It was supposed to, but it’s changed a lot. I’m very comfortable writing in camp. It’s difficult because I know sometimes I have my moments, but often I don’t. I also chose to write it in a genre I’m not super familiar with (Young Adult contemporary, I read Young Adult and Adult fiction primarily). I didn’t expect it to be easy, but the things I thought would come easily did not come easily. I have a lot of male friends, so I could certainly write the male characters as real people, right? Right? I’m funny, so the humor would come across well, right? Did I anticipate that after years of pretty much only analyzing films critically I’d subconsciously structure my story using dialogue-driven storytelling similar to a screenplay? No! Not at all, actually! This journey of self-discovery has been ass at every corner!

I recognize that first drafts are shit and authors hate their writing, but also I’m built different, your honor. By 15k words in, I realized I needed an outside perspective. I hated my own writing and I was afraid none of the characters were coming off right. I needed feedback, and I still do. But I hate being perceived. As long as no one reads my writing, they think that I know what I’m talking about and value my opinion on their writing, but once they figure out I’m just an Imposter then it’s game over. They’ll lose respect for me. Logically, I know this isn’t how this works, but I feel physically nauseous whenever someone reads my writing.

Anyways, back to my much-needed criticism. To make a long story short involving several English teacher that caused me to quit pursuing writing altogether in my formative years and decide to switch to a STEM track, I have very little tangible self-awareness of my own writing and how to improve it. I need the outside feedback, or at least I did. I’m 60k words into my first draft now and I’m cripplingly self aware of all my errors, but it feels too little too late. 60k words are a lot of words, and it feels not great knowing that most of them are trash. I really needed this kind of feedback earlier in the process so I could make tweaks early on. I know that writing is like a muscle and you need to work it out and practice to get stronger, but fuck man, FUCK. 60k words is a LOT of words. And I still need people to read it and give me feedback and I’m literally willingly asking people to read shit. It’s so humiliating. I guess I’m just at a point where I wish I could look at it and find something of value in what I’ve written.

I see other authors and I get so jealous. At their confidence, at their lyricism, their mastery of the art, their enthusiasm for their story, their love of their characters. I don’t have that. I’m not even talking about imposter’s syndrome. I know what that feels like. This is something else. I just wish I was the kind of person who could openly be creative without wanting to die. I’m 100% sure if I could be enthusiastic about the story I want to tell, the entire thing would be better. It’s crazy how I noticed that I’m not writing any metaphors into realizing that’s directly connected with my inability to be vulnerable and that I’m detaching myself from my work. That, and the fact that I’m fucking shite at writing metaphors apparently.

It also doesn’t help that I don’t have a writer group of friends and very little people to talk about this with, none of which are like… enthusiastic. It’s not their fault. I attract people into my life who are very much like me. They’re supportive and wonderful but I need someone who’d be excited to talk to me about it. I just feel like such a huge burden all the time. Everytime I bring it up I feel terrible, but it’s occupying so much of my brain space and I have no outlet. But also, getting that group of friends would require me to be vulnerable online and be willing to share what I have so far which I might actually throw up.I think it’s very fun that “crying and throwing up” has become a saying on Twitter considering that I’ve counted a countless amount of times this year and thrown up from stress four times since last November. It might also be connected to coffee consumption, but if that’s true I’m ready to off myself because coffee is one of my few joys. Honestly, it’s probably a mix of both. I’m very healthy, very much okay.

I don’t know. Last year, I ended my little essay on a hopeful note. Here’s the thing, this may seem like very much just stream of consciousness bullshit but there is quite a bit of structuring I do and omissions I make. I didn’t talk about my struggles reconnecting with people and subsequently taking their irregular replies, because there’s a lot to get into there. There’s a lot I could’ve talked about, but no room. There’s a very specific flow, and I feel like any story, it needs a conclusion. So last year, through tears, I wrote a hopeful ending. It was as much for me as it was to the people reading it. Unfortunately, I don’t have it in it for me to conclude in the same fashion this time around.

The truth is, I need to feel okay. I need to feel like I’m good at something, anything, and be recognized for it.

Life is suffering and I’m just constantly going through the motions. I promise you, this stupid thing is 3k words and the second I’m done I’ll go back to working on my b**k even though today I literally started crying thinking about how shit it is. I’m just a tenacious individual. I persist. I don’t feel good about it, and I’m done with being genuinely hopeful, but there’s nothing to do but keep moving. I don’t know if my writing will get better or if I’ll ever get published or if this story is worth it. I don’t fucking know anything and I feel like shit. But what else am I going to do? I’ve been holding onto this hope that I’ll feel better about things for just so long and it hasn’t happened. But I’m not giving up lmao I’m just working with what I have. I am at my limit.

[irenadel]

i wanna talk books so I made a meme

@doorsclosingslowly here’s the answers to your questions :)

6. If you read in more than one language, is there a difference between the experience of reading in your native language(s) and reading in other languages?

Virginia Woolf has a great quote in A Room of One’s Own where she says that women writers need to develop their own “sentence” and that this can only be developed through creating a tradition of female writing. She says that while reading male writers is pleasurable, it isn’t useful for the female writer, that she can’t learn from the way men write. Their “sentence” isn’t suitable for female writing. I’m.... unsure of how much I agree with her on this but I find the theory useful for describing how I approach literature in Spanish vs English.

Especially in terms of language, not so much in regards to narrative or worldbuilding or even themes, I find Spanish to be pleasurable but not useful. I very rarely find myself reading something in Spanish and thinking “ooooh, I wish I could do that! I want to steal that! How did they come up with this?” The “sentence” for writing in Spanish isn’t one I recognize or want to imitate... except maybe for VERY few exceptions like Carlos Fuentes and Borges. Whereas I can spend a lot of time reading English un-selfconsciously and then suddenly be struck by a turn of phrase that I must somehow or other make my own. That almost never happens to me when reading Spanish.

9. Fiction or non-fiction or both? In what ratio? Where do you draw the line between the two?

Oh god, this is embarassing. Erm... fiction to a fault. On 2020 and 2019 I did try to make a concerted effort to read more nonfiction, ESPECIALLY more popular science books. I still kind of childishly consider myself to not be “smart like that” and that science isn’t for me, because I don’t understand it. I used to think science fiction wasn’t for me, for similar reasons. When I do read nonfiction it tends to be history and literary criticism.

I’m finishing my degree on English literature and though I had a period of hating hard on literary criticism, I think it was mostly me rebelling against the French brand of it. I HAVE to admit I love reading new historicism, especially now that I’m working on my dissertation and I had to read a lot on Elizabethan and Jacobean theatre.

Hopefully 2021 will be the year I read a bit more science.

11. The worst book hangover you’ve ever had

Augh... I remember two in recent years. Let me see... in 2017 I finished the last book in the Realm of the Elderlings. I had read the first book in the series around maybe the mid 2000s. I devoured it in a single weekend, still hungry for more of the story. I did not have access to the rest of the trilogy for a couple of years after, but as soon as I got them I read them as fast as I could. I remember reading those books during class, pretending to pay attention to a lecture on Linguistics but actually fully engrossed in Robin Hobb’s world.

It’s a world that was with me for more than 10 years. Characters that I knew intimately from multiple re-readings for more than 10 years. My dissertationg is about the first trilogy for crying out loud! I hadn’t wanted to read the last trilogy and the last book on the trilogy because I didn’t want that connection to end. But finally I gave in...

It was a book hangover because I was reading late at night when I realized, halfway through the book, a character I loved deeply was probably going to die and I just HAD to know, I HAD to be sure. So I read through the night going from disbelief to anger, to grief, to grim acceptance. I wasn’t able to put down the book until 11 am the next day, by which point I was openly sobbing and would have thrown the book across the room except I think I was reading in my computer.

The second book hangover I remember was less because of sprinting through the book and more because of the circumstances. Last December I had decided to finish as many books I could in hopes of reaching my Good Reads goal (which I didn’’t) and I was going through His Dark Materials pretty quickly when on the 25th I got the news that my grandmother died. I wasn’t able to go see her at the hospital or at a funeral, or even go see my dad and uncles because she had died of covid-19 and the situation was still pretty dire in the city.

Then Philip Pullman decided to be an absolute asshole to me and the characters in his book arrived to the Land of the Dead. Being an atheist fantasy series and me having just recently come to terms with the fact that I’m not even agnostic... it was very tough to go through Pullman’s exploration of mortality and the importance of life on Earth. I agreed completely that materiality and the here-and-now far outweigh any contemplations of an afterlife... but my grandmother had died very suddenly.... she had still been a pretty strong old lady before she contracted covid... I had spoken to her a couple of days before and she was still strong enough to bitch about litter getting inside her room...

I finished The Amber Spyglass in a rush as well and somehow it got mixed with my mourning process and my anger at myself for having taken my grandmother’s life for granted... for not having cherished the materiality of her existence when I had the chance... I hadn’t finished writing my dissertation’s first draft yet and there were some heavy issues going on in my household.... I was exhausted from having to survive the year and I think I still am... and it all mixed up with the bittersweet ending of Pullman’s His Dark Materials and the inevitability of loss... all I remember from between the 25th and the 31st of December 2020 was exhaustedly reheating Christmas food, trying to write, and slogging through The Amber Spyglass... it feels like it was a week-long literary hangover...

14. The book that, in hindsight, really should have clued you in to the fact that you’re _________ (queer/in love/doomed to be an academic/etc)

So this is slightly NSFW but I should have known, and stopped being such a snob about it, that I had WAY MORE in common with the furries than I cared to admit given that my first impression of Smaug the Golden when reading The Hobbit at the tender age of 8 was “wow! he’s dreamy!” *facepalm *(also betraying a worrying tendency to crushing on irredeemable assholes and other miscellaneous villains...) I have accepted my status as a weird monsterfucker AND a weird alienfucker. Inhuman anatomy makes me hot, and I should have known it from DAY ONE!

23. The book you expected to hate, didn’t, and then got angry about not hating

The Hunger Games, which I’m STILL salty about and will probably remain salty about for the rest of my life.

I hateread it because a friend told me about how he hated it, given his bitter ex loved it and though I agree with all his criticisms and have a bunch of my own... I still cannot stop finding stupid Katniss profoundly likeable! CURSES! A pox upon your house Suzanne Collins! I still think your dystopia is a cowardly, white-lady-who-has-never-feared-state-violence dystopia, I still think your love triangle was absolutely unnecessary and I still think you tried to cop out of admitting you (and your character) like pretty dresses by making the pretty dresses compulsory. Be brave! Don’t give me this “I’m not like other girls” bullshit! Be brave! Make your violent spectacle reality show as a criticism of the USA’s consumerism and callousness a voluntary thing! Don’t wash your heroine’s hands clean of the sin of wanting fame and fortune and survival at all costs!

But... fuck... I... still like Katniss... I’m glad little girls in 2008 got a heroine who kicked ass, looked good and wasn’t a perfectly strong and powerful person all the time. I’m glad they got competence and vulnerability... Fuck my life...

31. Bonus question: rec me something!

This is hard... since I get the feeling we have very different tastes in reading material but... If you haven’t heard of the Vampire: The Masquerade roleplaying game (or even if you have) take a crack at the Baali Clanbook. Even if you don’t understand the game mechanics I think you’ll enjoy the history portion because it’s about a clan of devil-worshipping vampires who do their devil worshipping through implanting evil insects on people... and I suspect it might be up your alley...

[rosesisupposes]

108? -C.C.

Lover Prompts: #108 “call my bluff, call you “babe”, have my back, yeah, every day”

pairing: losleep

word count: 1,276

content tags: nonbinary Remy, fem Logan, sleep deprivation, higher education, projecting!

Remy was so fucking tired.

Not that that was surprising. They were trying to maintain a job while taking classes full time. And their program was a lift. They knew this when they accepted, knew what they were getting themselves into.

So really, they had no excuse.

They swallowed a yawn and picked up the next book in the trolley, checking the numbers with a glance and placing it back in the middle of the shelf. God, how were there so many left? It felt like they’d been trundling through nonfiction for forever, and yet the trolley felt basically full still.

This day was never going to be over.

“Rem, is that you?” a soft voice said from behind them. They turned to see a woman in a neat bun and dark-framed glasses poking her head around a shelf. 

“Logan, hey gurl!” they drawled, flipping their classmate a peace sign. 

Instead of being immediately charmed, she frowned, emerging fully around the corner. “Weren’t you here this morning before class, too? It’s nearly 9pm, how many hours have you been working?”

“Ya know, work-study, gotta get that hustle!”

Logan pursed her lips. Even for a masters student, she managed to look more like a professor than a pupil. But that was definitely something to do with her commitment to wearing a collared shirt and tie every day, deviating only to add a sweater in the winter. Or maybe it was the general aura of put-together-ness that so few grad students managed to achieve.

Or maybe it was that ability to look down her nose despite only being just over five feet and making her target feel absolutely scrutinized. Like Remy felt at this particular moment.

“We share a full class schedule, there is no way that you can fit in that, all our coursework, and more than a single shift at the library into a single day.”

“Maybe I’m just that amazing, sugar,” Remy replied with a wink. They hoped it would exasperate her enough that she’d leave and they could just finishing re-shelving. If they finished before 10, they might have time to finish that reading for tomorrow they’d only gotten through half of over a frantic lunch break.

Instead, Logan’s frown deepened. She crossed her arms as she asked, “And are you ‘amazing’ enough to do all that and get a proper night’s sleep?”

“Oh, of course!” They lied. They cupped their face in one hand, fluttering their lashes at the much shorter woman. “You think I get all this without beauty sleep?” Why wouldn’t she leave? Flirting was all fun and games but Remy really needed to finish this.

“I don’t believe you. Therefore, I will help you.” Logan walked over decisively and picked up a book from the trolley, studying the label and the shelf with the same intensity she brought to all her studies.

“Wait, what?”

“You are clearly stretching yourself too thin. Burning the candle at both ends just gets you a metaphorical pool of wax and singed fingers. I care about your wellbeing, so, I will assist you in finishing this task.”

Remy blinked at her. Then they looked down at the book they’d just picked up. The numbers looked fuzzy for a moment, then resolved back into clarity. Oh, yeah, that would be the 18 hours straight of wakefulness making itself known. Maybe bunhead had a point.

“Wait, you care about my wellbeing?”

Logan didn’t turn towards Remy. She just kept shelving, steadily working through the trolley. If it wasn’t for a slight dusting of red in her golden cheeks, Remy would have thought she didn’t hear them. 

“Also, I apologize,” she said, as if she’d responded. “Most of these books were checked out by me, so I am partly to blame for the amount of work you have to do.”

Remy nodded. That part made sense at least. They looked at the titles. “So, astronomy?”

“Yes.”

“…stars?”

“Among other things, yes.”

“Cool.”

“I find it to be quite fascinating, yes.”

“Or should I say, not cool, because burning gas!”

Logan paused in reshelving. “Was that a pun?” She glared down her very short nose. “You better not be a pun person.”

“Don’t you mean a punny person-”

“No, desist, cease-”

Remy grinned. “Fine, I’m done. Too easy.”

Logan sniffed with dignity and kept shelving. Remy resumed as well, and soon the section was complete. 

“I need to move this to history, next, but thanks for the help, Lo.”

Logan shrugged. “I can continue helping, I have no pressing deadlines.”

Remy stared. “You didn’t take out all the history, too, did you?”

“No, but I enjoy- uh, the activity. It’s satisfying, don’t you think? Putting everything back in its rightful place?”

Remy pushed the trolley as they responded, “Yeah, that’s true. Easier to see the physical progress with this than slogging through Levinson’s reading assignments, amiright?”

“Oh, absolutely, and we never even finish discussing the material!”

“Professors, my dude, they’re a trip.”

They resumed shelving in relative quiet, but comfortably so. It was much better than the oppressive silence that was a normal shift in the stacks. 

“How many hours a day are you working?” Logan asked after a time.

“Uh, as many as I can cram in, really. Loans are a bitch.”

“Yes, but you do need to maintain your health, too-”

“I’ll sleep when I’ve got my degree, I’ll be good.”

“Remy, that’s a terrible mindset,” she said sternly, putting a book down to glare. “You’ll burn out and then none of this will be worth it!”

Remy looked down. “Yeah, but I mean. Can’t really afford it otherwise.”

“Pardon my language, but bullshit,” Logan responded. “You’re incredibly clever, there are so many organizations that would give you a scholarship. There’s even a queer alumni group that specifically awards academic achievement in the queer student body, I’m sure you could get that and others.”

“Lo, hun, I’m not exactly Ms. Future Valedictorian like you, I don’t get that sort of thing.”

“Not when you don’t try!” Logan’s eyes were alight, like she got in the middle of in-class debates. “I can help you!”

“I really don’t get why you’re so concerned with how I’m surviving this existential prison we call grad school.”

Logan looked down. A hair fell loose of her bun, a single black straight across her cheek. “I’ve noticed you in class. You barely speak, but when you do it’s always so insightful, even if not phrased as artfully as one could imagine. I think you’re really quite clever.”

Remy felt themself blush. “Hardly, not compared to you. Everyone knows Logan Ngyuen is the one to watch. Hell, if I stay in this program too long you’ll probably be teaching me in five years.”

“I speak the language the professors want, it’s true. But you always bring in the human perspective that academia loses sight of. And I think that’s really important. I think you’re important, Remy. And your health is too.”

Remy wasn’t sure how to respond, so they just shelved another book, sliding it into place. “Thank you,” they said finally.

“Anytime,” Logan responded, her cheeks still a little pink. “Do you need to do anything else to wrap up your shift, or is this the last of it?” Remy looked down and saw that the trolley was finally empty. 

“Uh, just gotta put this at the end of the stacks and tell Ms. Falstaff on the way out.”

“May I accompany you? I’m heading back to the the dorms anyway.”

Remy smiled. “I’d like that. Thank you, babe.”

She turned a little more pink, but smiled all the same. “Any time, Rem.”

[amisssunbeam]

A Little Response to Rhavewellyarnbag's latest Review of The Terror's "Horrible from Supper" (the italics are me)

Being another look at The Terror, episode 01x07, “Horrible From Supper”. But first, the characters in The Terror to whom I own an apology for the things I said last night when I was drunk, in ascending order of how vile it was: Francis. Yes, what I said was true, but I should not have said it. Goodsir, on general principle, because he is a nice man, and doesn’t deserve to have the likes of me talking about him that way. Author’s note: Only daily do I apologize to Harry Goodsir (fictional) for the things I say about him, and to Harry Goodsir (nonfictional) for the things I say about a fictionalized version of him. I like to think that the former would forgive me, but I think that the latter might not. I painted him from the few photos made of him; he has a delightfully reproachful look. Resting bitch face, even.

In the 1845 photos, his eyebrows come together in a way which could be interpreted as judgmental.  But, when we think of the trials of sitting for a daguerreotype at that time (not nearly as jolly and pain-free as depicted in “The Ladder” –forgetting about the subsequent Tuunbaq attack) Goodsir’s reproachful look might merely result from the tedium of having his picture taken (or that fatal tooth was beginning to hurt). Tozer. Though, again, I meant it, and, like, look, I defy you tell me that he doesn’t look absolutely stunning when he’s afraid for his life in “Terror Camp Clear”. 

“The Terror” certainly broadens the parameters of handsome-ness.  Tozer, while listening to Morfin singing “The Silver Swan”, is more attractive than, than, than the Moon!  Or the Pyramids!  He’s supernatural.

The ship before it weighs anchor, before it, in some fundamental way, becomes a ship. Not yet having fulfilled its function, it is more like a theatrical set. The notion of limbo is a fitting one: the men descending the ladder, coming from the bright, noisy world above, could be entering the afterlife.

Who’s the cat who does the words about utter existentialism?  Rod Serling, was that his name?  Did everyone see his episode of “The Twilight Zone” about the toys in the Salvation Army barrel?  Yikes.

Nothing is working as it should, logic is suspended, and the topsy-turvy world of the carnival will become real.

The movie “Topsy-Turvy” is a great favorite of la famille Sunbeam.  Even so, there are useful parallels between that film and “The Terror”: class clashes, pretense and pageantry, and mainly ripping away the fine lace mask of the Victorian era.  The attitude of the servants in both shows is strikingly craven.

“Any tips, sir, for a first-timer?”

In the super-heated world of fandom, “any tips for a first-timer” sounds like the sort of pick-up line EC would use on the true Cornelius.

Poor Morfin.

Morfin is “The Terror’s” equivalent of the Victorian Little Nell.  Headaches, bad teeth, song-forgetter, probably a once-in-a-lifetime sodomite but nevertheless flogged for it.  When he and Tozer go out on that exploratory mission, he falls flat down and Tozer says something like “Don’t volunteer if you don’t have the bottom for it.”  (More heat for the fandom).  And he gets to be the first to see the severed heads. (Who thought Tozer and Morfin would make a good team for this task? Did they draw names?)  “Gently with that one, please.” It’s a little bit insensitive of Goodsir to express concern for his luggage before he does, Morfin, after Morfin’s just collapsed from pain, only looking like the living dead. That trunk, though, is Jacko’s tomb.

Harvey, your theory about Goodsir’s, ah, class-related selfishness is confirmed here.

“Are these our choices, Cornelius, or are they being made for us?��� Gibson seems to falter, which is interesting. His idea to separate from the larger group doesn’t seem to be his own, which suggests that Hickey understood that it couldn’t be seen to have come from him. Gibson looks like death warmed over, but Hickey is just as perky as ever.

Gibson seems to get on-and-off injections of great intelligence, but his death-warmed-over look is consistent through the series.

 Hickey is also under-dressed, not even wearing a hat.

This is perhaps a very English-major thing to say, but there is a suggestion of a climate change (or a massive change in consciousness) occurring after Carnivale, as if the trauma of the fire left living dead who can no longer feel the cold, or, having felt so much fire, the survivors have had the idea of cold burnt out of them.

He does sometimes dress more appropriately, as in “A Mercy” when he was helping Hartnell transport supplies for the carnival. Suggesting that, in this scene, Hickey means to maximize his attractions. The obvious beneficiary is Gibson, but I think Hickey sees some value in displaying himself for Tozer, the one Hickey is really after, and has been since at least “Punished As A Boy”.

A sexy thought; how much nudity the men would crave.  When Hickey is flogged, he is completely exposed to the men present, and I think the sexuality of his having his pants pulled down really hits the sailors hard.  Francis alone looks like he’s going to climb out of his skin with the ferocity of his feelings (I won’t say desire, but that’s what I mean). Was it you, Harvey, or someone else who discussed how strong the thirst for touch must be among the Franklin Expedition?  I imagine the thirst to see bodies is just as powerful.

Then, I was immediately resurrected by the peek at Collins’ suspenders. He is... built like a cement outdoor commode. There is a lot of Collins to love.

The suspenders become iconic.  Collins is one very alluring sailor, even in his bulky sea-diving outfit with that great furry head sticking out.  Yet his sexuality seems neutered, compared to the other significant sailors  (Still, if Hollywood decided to make a chubby “Wuthering Heights”, Collins would make the perfect pudgy Heathcliff.) Author’s note: I don’t think Francis thinks very much of Goodsir, and the feeling is mutual. Goodsir has to obey Francis, but it’s duty without devotion, without deference, Goodsir having seen very little that would indicate to him that Francis has reformed himself. Francis may have stopped drinking, but he’s up to his old tricks, dismissive unless he wants something, ingratiating when he does. This is the way that Francis behaved toward Hickey, which gives an interesting contrast between Goodsir and Hickey: once Goodsir understands Francis’ motives, he’s no longer taken in; Hickey must understand that Francis was only drunk and trying to get into Hickey’s pants, but Hickey continues to try to make Francis like him.

Francis might resent Goodsir’s place in society, so settled and unique, while Francis himself has to maneuver around Sir John and James and all the rest.  But Hickey he can control.  (In a way, it’s a shame that Irving, the stupid old king of coitus interruptus, has to bust in again.  It would be in vain, and yet interesting, to consider what might have happened if that seduction had been consummated.  Think of the bickering harem Crozier could assemble: Hickey and Jopson and Gibson and then Irving, etc etc. (But this speculation, that a captain would handpick a seraglio of sailors,  is ruined by the knowledge that, despite all the porn stories and movies, there is no one a teacher would want less to seduce than her students.)

James has to move his little pick ax from one hand to the other to reach out to Francis, suggesting that, emotion aside, he made a conscious decision (his bones not yet reduced to broken glass) to grab Francis’ jacket, right over his heart, no less, and jostle Francis in a friendly manner.

This moment is comparable, to those who might be interested, to Star Trek: The Original Series’s “Amok Time” when Spock grabs Kirk by the arms. Quite the pensee could be written comparing Kirk-Crozier (the fair-haired captains) and Spock-Fitzjames, the haughty eyebrow-waggling second.  The latter’s reserve is melted, melted utterly by his realization of how much he loves his Captain. 

Author’s note: I am into Edward, but conditionally: I like him in that coat that makes him look substantial. Matthew McNulty is lovely, but he’s far thinner than I thought he was, which came as a bit of a shock.

His shortness is also quite astonishing. I can’t imagine Levesconte being involved.

Levesconte is too busy lying on his little officer’s cot, reminiscing about the time he said “benjo” and everybody cheered.

“There was a fourth man.”

I know you are referring to the raid on Silna in “Punished as a Boy”, but these words put one in mind of T.S. Eliot’s notes to the “Fire Sermon” in his “Wasteland”: “it was related that the party of [Anarctic] explorers, at the extremity of their strength, had the constant delusion that there was one more member than could actually be counted”.  Ah, the hypnotic potency of the top of the world.

Did Edward just grab Irving’s knee? Judging by Irving’s expression, yes, I think he did. I think he leaves his hand there for the rest of the meeting. Actually, no, he does not, but he appears to again bring it down to the general vicinity of Irving’s lower body.

I have run this scene over again and again and again (like the Zapruder film), and I think Edward does make an aggressively intimate gesture: “left and to the back, left and to the back.”  Irving does not seem displeased.

Hickey begins to assume what he imagines as Tuunbaq’s character. Having already, it’s implied, eaten part of Heather’s brain . . .

It is more probable that Hickey was just tapping at Heather’s brain, mainly because a brain IS not like a pudding; a pudding can be nibbled on without anyone noticing.  But if someone nicks a part of a cathedral, which is a self-contained entity, it would be noticed by, at least, Nurse Tozer.  Still Hickey might have tasted the cerebrospinal fluid, just for the Hickey of it.

When first aboard Terror, Hickey appears to be sizing up his new environment, but he also looks relieved, hopeful. It’s implied that he had a lucky escape from England, which had gotten too hot for him, but I think that he really believed that he was making a fresh start. Taking another man’s name was practical, perhaps a necessary evil, but I think that E.C. just didn’t want to be E.C. anymore.

I admire the symmetry of Hickey throwing a Neptune-sized bag down by Hodgson, thus startling him far more than one think a tough lieutenant would be startled.

Author’s note: . . Silna doesn’t fall into Goodsir’s arms, because there’s no reason why she would; she might like him, but he’s merely the least untrustworthy of a group of untrustworthy men who, by the end of the series, have not just made her home almost uninhabitable, but killed her father and her friends. Her discovery of Goodsir's body, the state it’s left in, confirms it: if this is what the British do to each other, she was lucky to get away when she did.

Hear hear!

By the way, if one is in the mood, another pensee could also be written about the real daguerreotypes of the Franklin expedition.  I am particularly amused by Gore and Fairholme.  Gore hates Lady Jane and this stupid thing she’s making him do. just so Sir John can be further exalted.  Fairholme picks up the vibe and poses just like Gore, only he has to borrow the affable Fitzjames’ jacket.

I think we’ve all been there.

[shitty-check-please-aus]

2020 Books Read So Far

Note: Most of these are audiobooks (listening to books counts as reading books and if you disagree I’d ask you to consider why you believe that), books I started and didn’t finish will be listed but not reviewed, and all my opinions are extremely subjective. I’m putting this on this blog because I want to and I think it’ll help me keep track of what I’ve read if I write it down in a couple places. 

Some notes:

I’m surprised that most of these are nonfiction! I don’t usually think of myself as a nonfiction reader. 

Having audiobooks has made me way more productive as a reader, since I can read while I’m doing repetitive tasks at work, when I have to stand on the bus, when I’m running, etc. 

Naked, by David Sedaris

3/5, the audiobook was “unabridged selections” which means “we didn’t edit the individual essays but you’re only getting half the book”– it would probably have been a 4/5 if it was a whole book. I liked that Amy Sedaris was reading parts of it, but that’s because I like her more than I like her brother. This is sort of an example of the difference between “comedic” and “humorous,” because it’s definitely the latter. 

Read it if: you want to read something pretty fucking weird. 

Lafayette in the Somewhat United States, by Sarah Vowell

4/5, I saw this recommended a lot when Hamilton first came out so it’s been in the back of my mind for a good while. The book had a great cast, and having different people reading the historical quotes was an excellent touch! 

However, I think Vowell’s conversational style is a little jarring here sometimes. It’s like “wait, why are you talking about Bruce Springsteen, I’m not that familiar with his work but he definitely isn’t from Revolutionary War times.” I got her book Assassination Vacation at a used bookshop recently as well, and both books suffer from post-2016 hindsight, where she’ll say something about how incompetent and foolish the politicians of her time are, and I just have to snort to myself and say “Sarah, you’re going to lose your goddamn mind soon.” That’s a bit of an unfair reaction, but it’s hard to avoid having it.

I was also, maybe unfairly, expecting to learn more than I did. The problem is that I know a Lot about the Revolutionary War, and from the introduction I thought we’d hear more about Lafayette’s later life (my knowledge drops sharply after about 1810). The book basically ends after the Battle of Yorktown, though.

Read it if: you have not seen/listened to both Hamilton and 1776, or if you want to read a summary of the Revolutionary War with a focus on one French captain. 

Assassination Vacation, by Sarah Vowell

3/5, honestly maybe a 2.5/5. Okay, so. Either I know a lot more about American History than I felt like I did or this is again a very surface level thing. Part of it is because she spends 123 pages on Abe Lincoln. There are 255 pages total. 2/3 of the states I’ve lived in are Indiana and Illinois, two states that fight about claiming Lincoln as their own, and I’ve been to D.C. 4 or 5 times, so I feel like I know enough about Lincoln. I know about John Wilkes Booth, and his brother Edwin who saved Lincoln’s son’s life, and the death train that took Lincoln’s body around the country. I did enjoy learning about the doctor who was probably conspiring with Booth and how he ended up saving tons of lives in prison when there was a yellow fever outbreak (also to be briefly unbearably nitpicky: I think she might have mixed up dengue and yellow fever? She calls yellow fever “breakbone” but I can only find instances online of people calling dengue fever that. Maybe they called them all breakbone in the late 1800s. If anyone reading this is an epidemiologist, let me know).

It was interesting to hear that Charles Guiteau, killer of President Garfield, was part of the Oneida cult. I’m trying to think of anything notable she said about Leon Czolgosz, killer of President McKinley. I guess she talks about how people assumed he was a foreigner because of his name, but I already listened to “The Ballad of Czolgosz” in Assassins, so I knew “Czolgosz, angry man, born in the middle of Michigan.”

This one is from 2005 so the politics stuff is a little more interesting, since at the time I was busy learning multiplication and spending one entire baseball season learning about baseball and following my team (they won the world series, I have excellent timing). I will say that in 2005 we did have Google, so I am again annoyed with some of her asides and personal anecdotes. Look, if you go to the Hemingway house and you don’t know there will be cats there, that’s on you if you don’t bring your Claritin. Hemingway is associated with only two good things, six-toed cats and Daiquiris. 

She also does not acknowledge that the parties basically switched platforms? Lincoln’s Republican party is not today’s Republican party, in fact kind of the opposite, so it’s weird that she starts the book with a dedication that’s like “to my lifelong Democrat grandpa, he’d be pissed I dedicated a book about 3 Republicans to him.” I guess she does sometimes say stuff like “how did Lincoln’s party become Reagan’s” (paraphrase), but she doesn’t actually get into it. 

Speaking of Democrats, she literally spends more time talking about Pablo Picasso than she spends talking about JFK. She doesn’t explain why she didn’t talk about JFK, but it seems bizarre to me to write a book about American assassinations and to leave out John Fucking Kennedy. Literally I’ve talked more about JFK in this section than she did in her assassin book. It’s not until page 253 that JFK gets a full paragraph. There are 255 pages total. Truly, if she’d taken a paragraph to be like “I’m focusing on the presidents who were elected before 1900″ or “the presidents whose immediate families aren’t still alive” or even “I didn’t want to travel to Dallas for research” or SOMETHING to explain why she left out JFK, I would have understood it more instead of flipping through the pages wondering what was going on. 

Read it if: You do not listen to too many history podcasts and you didn’t read the Wikipedia page for the musical Assassins. And I guess if you don’t want to acknowledge that JFK did also get assassinated and that was kind of a big deal. Actually just listen to Assassins instead. 

And Then There Were None, Agatha Christie

5/5 as a mystery, 0/5 for its original title (not gonna say it here but if you’ve ever googled the name of HP Lovecraft’s cat, it’s along those lines). Less than 6 hours, narrated by Dan Stevens from Downton Abbey, fairly ideal as an audiobook. I am 95% sure I’ve already read this, because I spent the summer before I started high school reading every Agatha Christie book in the library (I do not have a list of all the Agatha Christie books in my library the summer of 2010, so there is some question). 

Read if: you want to hear the guy from Downton Abbey deliver the line “I’m not a complete fool!” in a tone that makes it sound like “I’m not a fucking moron!” Sidenote: Can anyone tell me if Brits say “solder” by pronouncing the L that I’ve always heard as a silent L? Or if Dan Stevens just fucked up that one word?

Over The Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love, by Jonathan Van Ness

4.5/5

This was a super enjoyable audiobook! It’s a testament to JVN’s considerable charisma that this book is full of him giving people in his past who would rather be anonymous Russian names, and it doesn’t get grating (as a Marina, however, I was shocked to not hear my name at any point; most of the other Marina’s I’ve met in my life are Russian). JVN has had a wild ride in life, and it’s a really raw, honest story of how he became who he is. I will say that if you are interested in reading this, please look up the trigger warnings; there are a lot of things that could be triggering to people. 

I feel a little bad at how much more I liked this one compared to Tan France’s memoir, but I also feel like whoever was ghostwriting that one did a bad job at making Tan seem... not extremely defensive, cocky, and prickly (it seems that JVN did not use a ghostwriter; Tan’s on the other hand, let the phrase “I’m proud to be a petty bitch” make it into the final proof several times). Also JVN advocates going to therapy in his book, while Tan kind of says that you should only go to therapy if you have no friends or family or life partner to talk to, which I fundamentally disagree with. I don’t know. I also feel like, if I were to get a makeover from the Fab 5, Jonathan would love my hair (I have great hair) while Tan would say that I’m dressing too old for a 24 year old and then take me to fucking Lane Bryant or Torrid (I wear a size 16 US so IRL options are limited). 

Read if: You like Queer Eye or Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness

Medallion Status, by John Hodgman

4.5/5

I really like John Hodgman’s podcast, and I got to ask him a question at an event he did at the Field Museum and he was very nice, so I went into this inclined to enjoy it. 

And I did! I had a good time reading it. I read it the first week of January and now it’s the second week of February so I have already erased much of the book’s content from my mind, but he somehow made the perspective of being a formerly kinda famous person really interesting. I would also recommend Vacationland, particularly if anyone wants to write an au where Nursey, as a New Yorker, has a vacation home in Dex’s town in Maine. That’s right, I brought it back around to the topic of this blog. And that would be a fucking fantastic au. 

Read it if: you like memoirs! it’s a good one. 

Murder on the Orient Express, by Agatha Christie

Gonna give this one a 3/5 for performance, because Dan Stevens (again, because I liked his narration in the other one) does a really annoying American accent for a few characters, and an extremely bad Italian accent for another. I’m starting this review only a few hours in, so if it turns out that the Italian man is not Italian, I’ll revoke my criticism. Still a 5/5 mystery, though. I did have to stop many times when they were talking about Istanbul to go over to Spotify and play “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)” by They Might Be Giants. 

Books abandoned in 2020 (so far) (no real spoilers, I didn’t get more than a few chapters into any of them):

The Unhoneymooners, Christina Lauren

I got to a point where the main character was telling a lie that would put her newly accepted job into jeopardy, and it stressed me out so much as a relatively new hire that I stopped listening for the day and started another one, and then the week had passed and then the library took it back. I think I’d enjoy it more if I was reading it physically and I could control how fast I got through awkward parts (I am practically allergic to secondhand embarrassment). The performance was good and I did get a hankering for cheese curds. 

Me Talk Pretty One Day, David Sedaris

I had like three audiobooks checked out at the same time, and even though this was again an abridged version, I just didn’t have time for all of them. My mom has a physical copy, I’ll borrow that at some point. 

The Witch Elm, Tana French

This is one I may revisit someday. The main character is kind of an asshole, which is the point of his character I think, but it made it hard to get into the story. It’s also a 22 hour audiobook, which is kind of insanely long. Additionally, the narrator has a very slow way of talking, but if I tried to speed up the rate of playback I had trouble understanding his accent (I think I just have trouble processing really fast speech in general as well, but I would’ve had an easier time understanding someone with the same accent as me). Anyways, someone put a hold on it at the library and then I didn’t check it out again. 

[metalbatandzenko]

all the numbers owo

GrCUnA gaoh god sdljhdkjshfkjsh

This is gonna get long so I’ll put it under the cut. I’m also gonna remove the ones I’ve answered already.

1. What fandoms do you write for?

OPM and AtLA. I have a Miraculous Ladybug fic, but the creator is a nightmare and I hate the way the show treats the main character (literally the creator said part of the show’s episode formula is the main character “learns a lesson” every episode: usually through humiliation) and all the characters of color so I really don’t write for it anymore.

2. What pairings do you write for?

Batarou, Mumensai, and I do general fics.

3. What is your most popular fanfic?

My Miraculous Ladybug fic. By like. a lot akfdjhlgkjhfdlkg

It’s got triple the subscriptions and bookmarks, double the hits, and more kudos than any of my other fics. And I haven’t updated since January.

4. Do you write original stories as well?

I do! I’m a creative writing major, so I do a lot of memoir nonfiction and poetry, but I also write fictional short stories.

5. What fanfic of yours should everyone have read?

I don’t think there is one! Different strokes and all. But if you weren’t aware, I’m working on an ATLA fic rn about Zuko trying to repair his relationship with Azula. Not for this fandom, but a fun fic for me because it’s a bit out of my wheelhouse.

6. What is a fandom you will never write for?

Out of the ones I’ve been in, voltron.

7. What is a ship you will never write for?

There are...a lot. For the sake of my mental well being, I will not list them. But I will say any ship between a teen and someone in their mid twenties or beyond is a no go for me.

8. Archive of Our Own, FanFiction.net, Wattpad, Tumblr, etc. which platform do you prefer?

Begrudgingly, Ao3. I have my issues with Ao3 and I think I’ve made those pretty clear (and they’ve gotten me into some hot water lmao) but it’s a good place to put fics.

10. How do you stay motivated to finish what you’ve started?

I could not tell you. I am so bad at staying motivated. Certain fics I love writing. Others feel like I’m pulling teeth.

11. What’s your longest fanfic?

Hidden Horns. By a lot. like 20k words a lot.

12. Do you want to break your readers‘ heart or make them laugh?

A bit of both, but I lean towards laughing. The world needs more light.

13. What is your planning process?

Depends on the fic. For short ones or oneshots, there really isn’t one. For longer fics, I’ll have an outline, but a lot of times I’m laying tracks as I go. If I think of a good scene or line, I’ll write it down and just keep it at the end of my doc until it comes up in the story.

15. OCs or no OCs?

OC’s only when they’re necessary for plot. For example, Madame Oshitani in Hidden Horns only really showed up because I needed a piano teacher, and I couldn’t have it be an existing hero. Outside of that, I tend to avoid putting OC’s in fics, because I find them disruptive when I’m reading fics.

16. Do you use sentence starters, writing prompts and/or fandom headcanons for your fanfics?

Sometimes! Hidden Horns was based off of this fanart. If they are, I make sure to note that in the notes.

20. Can we get a list of all of your current available fanfics?

Yeah you got:

A (Not So) Brief Hiatus-Miraculous Ladybug

Promises to Keep-OPM/batarou

Little Boy-OPM/Metal Bat centric

A Game of Chase-OPM/batarou

Not Invincible-OPM/batatou death

Someone Fun-OPM/Mumensai

Date With the Devil-OPM/Mumensai sequel

Something of Note-OPM/Mumensai

Conduct Evil-OPM/batarou

Grief and Other Intangibles-OPM/Zombiedad and CE death

Horns and Fangs Series (Hidden Horns and Fear and Fangs)-OPM/batarou

Spaghetti and Juiceboxes-OPM/Zombiedad and CE

I guess they don't like me but I never figured out why (I guess they think I don't like them either)-ATLA/Zuko reaches out to Azula

21. What’s your shortest fanfic?

Conduct Evil at a whopping 354 words.

23. Long chapters or short chapters?

They vary! Mine tend to be pretty short, like 1k-4k.

24. How many WIPs (work-in-progress) do you’ve got?

*sweats* Like 17 at least

25. How many WIPs will you finish?

Rude to assume I won’t finish all of them eight if I’m lucky

26. First-person-narrative or third-person-narrative?

Third. I hate writing in first person except for in nonfiction.

27. Do you take requests?

Kind of. If people send me an ask that I vibe with, I might write something, but as a general rule, no. I’ve been considering doing commissions though, so if you want to toss a coin to your bitcher lmk

28. I will name you three things (object — scenario — fandom/ship): write a paragraph or two!

I can’t do this one without those three kdjhflkjsdh

29. What’s more difficult? Fanfics or original work?

They’re difficult in different ways, but original is way harder.

Original work means there’s zero scaffolding to build off of except for the scaffolding you make yourself, and there’s a lot of issues with worldbuilding and creating complex and relatable characters.

Fanfic relies on a solid understanding of existing characters and dynamics, as well as the internal logic of the world. The scaffolding is there, but often times it’s stifling.

30. What writing software do you use?

Word and Google Docs fkjhslgkjh

31. Do you use beta/sensitive readers?

Nope. I probably should though.

32. Past or present tense?

Past. I can’t consistently write in present.

33. Do friends and family know that you write fanfics?

Some of my friends do. I’ve shared some with them! I use fanfic as warmup, so a lot of my writing friends know about my fics.

34. How did you find the world of fanfics?

I wrote Adventure Time fanfic on middle school and published them on an Adventure Time facebook group. They were wildly popular in the group.

36. Did you ever delete a work of yours?

I don’t think so tbh.

37. Did your work ever get plagiarized?

If it did, I wouldn’t know. But I highly doubt it.

38. Do you partake in any fanfic/writing events? (Big bangs, zines, NaNoWriMo, etc?)

No because I can’t stick to a deadline.

39. Collaborations or working solo?

I’ve never done a collaboration before.

41. What is something you don’t like about your writing?

I rely really heavily on dialogue and I’m suuuper aware of it. I think the thing is I do a lot of domestic fics, and even my story fics tend to be pretty domestic. I’m looking at you Hidden Horns

My original work doesn’t tend to lean on it as heavily.

43. Guilty pleasure tropes and scenarios?

I am a die hard found family bitch. Nothing guilty about it.

44. Does fanart of your fanfic exist?

Yes, actually. The aforementioned middle school fic got mini fancomic for the first chapter, and I wrote a Miraculous Ladybug ficlet in a fic chain that got fanart.

45. Do fanfics of your fanfic exist?

I think there might be one that was inspired by my fic, but I can’t remember tbh.

47. What fanfic of yours is truly underrated?

My ATLA fic!!! give it some love tf :/ (kidding of course.)

50. Can we get a teaser for an upcoming chapter?

Yeah, here you go:

The hero removed his coat and dropped it on the ground, where it landed with a solid “thud”.

He unhooked the holster under his arms, removed a knife from both boots, and unstrapped the machetes from his back.

They joined the trench coat in the pile.

Garou watched in equal parts awe and horror as Zombieman continued to produce weapons from increasingly improbable locations.

Finally, when the pile at his feet was large enough to arm a private militia, Zombieman stopped.

“I’ve got a pistol in my chest, but I’d prefer not to take that one out,” he said, pushing past Garou. “Feels rude to invite myself over then get blood all over the tatami.”