#what can I say I like Smiler not being quite human

[victorluvsalice]

Aviators - Can You Hear It? (Lovecraft Song | Alternative Rock) by Aviators

No Valice or Valicer connection to this one today, folks -- I'm just sharing a song that I've been listening to a lot because for unknown reasons the brain has latched onto it. I mean, granted, Aviators is a great band, do a lot of cool video game music (you should hear their Baldur's Gate III song), so I was predisposed to like this, but...dunno. Just scratches a certain itch.

(And okay, I guess there is TECHNICALLY a Valice connection in the form of my ancient Lovecraft Jazz AU...but I think the real reason my brain glommed onto this song -- other than it being a banger -- was because I was thinking of eldritch Smilers thanks to some other posts I'm drafting out. Because I do like me an eldritch Smiler.)

[weenwrites]

TFP Optimus Prime, Bumbleee, and Shockwave with a human S/O who just casually mentions they've been to the Backrooms? Like they would always/sometimes mentions their past dangerous 'adventures' through countless Levels of the Backrooms, and would refuse to elaborate further (for fun, of course. The human would tell stories regardless) and the human is so deadpan/casual about it.

...Like imagine during a sppedway chase with the decepticons or the baddies, and the human would be like:

"Y'know, I've been chased like this before. In Level RUN For Your Life!. Different thing is that instead of Decepticons and cars, I gotta run through a straight hallway for 10 kilometers on foot whilst being chased by a horde of Smilers, Hounds, Skinstealers, Partygoers. Good times."

"the WHAT–"

I'm not sure if this counts as a crossover or no, so I'm sorry if it is—

A/N: Yipee ki-yay I like writing about the backrooms, so thank you!

[ Please do not repost, plagiarize, or use my writing for AI! Translating my work with proper credit is acceptable, but please ask first! ]

Optimus

It's needless to say that's concerned about your past experiences in this alternate dimension. He's not quite sure what to make of your attitude towards the backrooms, so he doesn't ask you much about it, but he does offer to lend an ear to let you open up about your experiences.

Bumblebee

He already thought that the shadowzone sounded bad enough, but to think that there's a whole 'nother dimension or world that you can fall into without the need of two groundbridges! He doesn't understand how you can be so jovial about an experience that nearly killed you, but he's amazed that you were able to survive there for who knows how long with all these things that want to kill you.

Since you seem pretty ok with talking about it, he'll ask you more about what it was like, how you got there, how you left, et cetera.. And if he ever learns that anyone can get stuck in the backrooms, he starts to get a little worried. What if you disappear there again? What if he disappears there? Ever since then he's started veering away from any "weirdly lit areas" or uncomfortable places in general, and it'll take him a while to let it go.

Shockwave

He's not as disconcerted as you might expect. As he studied spacebridge technology and all the niche and esoteric sciences one would need to comprehend in order to engineer a space bridge, he became no stranger to the concept of alternate planes of existence, and these experiences of yours only corroborate his hypothesis. However, according to your experiences it sounds like the backrooms are of little use or value to him as of now.

Such an unstable environment could be a trove of endless potential and knowledge, yet without a reliable method of guaranteed transportation between the two worlds, it's more of a liability than an advantage over the autobots.

[ch3rr13zk1n]

Why Preston/Clone Riggy is the hottest shorts wars character

Incase you probably don't know, Shorts wars is a arg made by a bunch of dudes that make shorts and was created because of the clone accounts ( get it?? ) that steal their content. Basically when it started there were different bunch of QR codes that popped up on their shorts and when our scanned them they took you to a video where a guy named The Boss in a unpleasant gradient says that if they don't quit making shorts and rotting people's brains then they will get replaced. While a few listened, The rest didn't. And the other stuff happened blah blah blah. Anyways i also gotta say one of the creators was a guy named Danno and uh he makes shorts (obviously i mean this is fucking shorts wars what do you expect??) and he has a mascot character named Riggy who is a blue rabbit with red shorts, green eyes and a very interesting kill count.

Also Preston/Clone Riggy didn't get the name Preston until he decided to get a new name on Phaleur's stream where he went through Phaleur's bag and eventually found his driver's license where Clone Riggy stole the name Preston and went with it calling himself " THE GREAT AND MIGHTY PRESTON!! "

Also sorry i have to highlight Preston/Clone Riggy's name in purple. There's no option to make the text dark blue ;-;

Anyways now with that explanation out of the way I'm here to explain why Preston/Clone Riggy is breedable and sexy.

He can breed. In a Danno short about if you can be invisible, Riggy was about to pull his pants down to demonstrate that you might have to be naked to be invisible. Luckily (or unluckily) Danno told him to NOT do that, Which basically says that Riggy might have a... Yknow. And then after that Riggy says " What? There was already Riggy rule 34! " ( i would've called this fanservice but i changed my mind ) so since Preston/Clone Riggy is a clone of Riggy then there's chance he has one. Since Danno confirmed Preston/Clone Riggy is canonically not anything other than a male so uhh that's something. But hey atleast he can insert something in me-

2. He's a fucking Tumblr sexyman.

"A male fictional character (often conventionally unattractive or non-human) with a particularly devoted fanbase on Tumblr." - Wikitonary.

He's unattractive and nonhuman. DUDE THATS HIM!!!

Idk about the fanbase part but yeah its him

Not to mention the other sexyman traits like being an antagonist, a perpetual smiler, glitches, dominating, a tsundere, has a theme song, powerful, HES A TUMBLR SEXYMAN. And that proves he's hot

Idk what else to say so ill just end this post with uhh

Ok guys end of the post you an scroll now!! :3

[crimeronan]

i was about to send an ask like "hahaha half of the alt timelines for pl au are mostly just "what if More Grimwalkers" next one is camila walker. idfk" but.. im thinking about camila walker now.

au where belos got luz when she was a few years older and therefore she missed her mom and wanted to go home Extremely Bad. and belos somehow gets his way into the human realm and finds camila.

and he explains how luz was Chosen to be in the isles, and how she cant come home BUT camila can come with him. and uh camila Reacts Appropriately. by trying to Kill Him.

but belos was prepared for this. so he knocks her out. and she wakes up without a pinky finger on one hand, in her own bed.

and a few weeks later, he reintroduces Camila to luz. and even if luz is old enough to remember her mom, she isnt old enough to do the mental leaps it would take to realize whats wrong. shes still a kid.

so. belos tells the world the isles has brought them two humans.

(i know this makes me Part Of The Problem of all the more grimwalkers aus. but SSSHHH)

FJSJDJD. justice was just saying this as she drove me home, actually. "everyone keeps coming up with new grimwalker horror that i didn't even know was a possibility with grimwalker horror. because i'd never seen it done before"

this actually isn't the first time a grimwalker camila timeline has been posited. it IS a lot better than the one from a few months back, though. iirc that one was about camila fighting her way into the isles much Much sooner, but refusing to cooperate with belos, & belos straight-up killing her. and then creating a grimwalker of her for luz, who is Distraught.

love thinking about this. love camila Not Being Fucking Dead for it. and now if i can diverge a little....

i think Most of my owl house followers now have never read the dreamer trilogy by maggie stiefvater, which is my next biggest fandom by far. & also remains my favorite bookseries ever (despite some mild disappointment with certain arcs in the final book).

one of the main characters in that series had parents whose relationship was.... Not Very Functional. to put it mildly. and his mom eventually divorced his dad & abandoned the family. and his dad's response to this was to create a sweet, gentle, even-tempered stepford smiler clone of his bitch wife. with no agency. and have her raise his kids.

the problem is that this MC, alone of all of his siblings, remembers his real mom.

and knows that the mom who raised him was Wrong (TM).

and has been quite literally gaslit about this and told that he's an insane psycho cunt for his Entire Life.

also another one of the main characters (hennessy, of my blog description fame) has been essentially creating and sustaining and murdering grimwalkers of herself since she was ten. she & the main clone of herself are both main POV characters who have a Viciously codependent/messy relationship and battle for dominance over their shared identity.

so like. if anyone here has been Very Into all the grimwalker horror in this AU, and/or into all the psychological horror of luz and hunter's relationship, and would like to read some original fiction that features All Of That Shit..... WOW do i have a bookseries you'll enjoy.

[doctor-who-binge]

Elizabeth X is a horrific human being

Here is a list of things shes done:

Trapped a star whale that was offering itself..... because shes dense as fuck. Thats the only way she could have not figured out that it was offering itself

Decides that opening up the cranium to expose the brain and then shoot a laser at it for 300 years was a good idea

Creates a dictatorship with her as the "highest authority"

Creates a surveillance state

Creates robots (smilers) that her citizens are afraid of in order to keep them in line

Creates half human half smiler secret police

Holds pretend elections where there is only one correct option and then pretends that its the will of the people to keep the voyage going

Kills all political dissidents, the "protestors"

Kills, and I am quoting directly from the episode, "citizens of limited value" ... which includes children since children cannot be protestors

Sets up a system where SHE does not have to live with the fact that SHE did all this. She literally built into the system the ability to keep her conscience clean while simultaneously being the disgusting dictator in charge of it all.

Masquerades (quite literally, the mask and cloak) as a brave queen investigating her government because they are plotting behind her back and "feeding my citizens" to the beast.

Forced some people to NOT forget what is happening. Like Hawthorn who knows exactly whats going on. They have to live with the guilt while she doesn't.

Apparently made herself near immortal considering shes 300 and looks 30

Lets take this point by point

1 and 2 have no precedent since well no star whales IRL but I can't imagine her being anything but fucking stupid for not figuring it out.

3 The British Royal Family has no genuine power, so either between the 21st century and Elizabeth X they manage to regain power OR Elizabeth X took back power during the horrendous chaos they were trying to escape from. There is no prime minister or parliament or court system. She rules solo. She even says "I rule" and "I am the highest authority"

4 Every part of the ship is being watched, its why the Doctor was seen by Hawthorn doing the water check and why they knew that Amy was doing Bad Things™. Its also why all the adults were ignoring a little girl crying, they know they are being watched. Its got some East Germany Stasi level surveillance vibes.

5 & 6 Secret police are horrific organizations that have committed some of the worst acts in history. Gestapo a vital tool of Hitler or the NKVD responsible for Stalin's Great Purge etc the writers were also probably taking a page out of 1984's thought police & surveillance. Which 1984 itself is based on criticism of Stalinism

7 Every dictatior's favorite public tool! Elections where the outcome is 97+% in the dictator's favor. There should be no fucking elections it's ridiculous. Its not like the citizens even know what they voted for so why pretend to have elections. My only guess is because the beast needs food.

8 ..... bitch really decided "oh, you disagree with the decisions I've made?... well down a tube you go to your death immediately"

9 Say it with me people: E U G E N I C S. That is what that sentence is. As a permanently disabled person living on disability benefits and public insurance, ya know a "burden to society", this single line gave me a sick stomach. What the fuck. How can anyone like this fucked up character???? Remember SHE decided on these rules. SHE MADE THEM. Which also means SHE set the perimeters for "limited value." Limited value includes a child who got bad grades, is punished by the government (not his parents) for bad grades, the punishment is not being able to use the elevator. When he does use the elevator he is killed. So I'm going to go out on a limb and say people who use wheelchairs are definitely just outright killed. Which again remember the Queen decided who counts as limited value. Also if the whale won't eat children, do all the children that are sentenced to death and then work in the dungeon end up getting eaten when they turn 18? How fucking horrific to work in dungeon for years knowing you are literally on death row.

10 & 11 This has got to he THE WORST fucking thing. The character acts so goddamn righteous in her outraged, pissed that her citizens are being hurt, determined to uncover her evil government. When its all her. She gets to be a badass good queen for 10 years, figure out the mystery and how gross she is, erase her memory, and go back to being the badass masquerading righteous queen. She literally made it so she can live with an actual clear conscience. Not knowing any of this is all her fault and being outraged that it all exists. Also the video to herself doesn't mention anything but 1 & 2 by the way. She doesn't tell herself that she created a disgusting surveillance secret police regime run on crushing political dissidents and perpetuating eugenics in the video. She only mentions how bad conditions on Earth were and therefore they were assholes to a star whale, no mention of how shes evil to her own citizens. Hawthorn tells her that all of it is her but SHE doesn't in her own video to herself. She CAN remember, there is no reason she HAS TO forget. Maybe the public does, to live a semi peaceful life not feeling crushing guilt every moment. But the Queen? If anything she has a duty to know. A duty to carry the burden of knowing what she did to the star whale. And a duty to carry the guilt of knowing what she does to her people.

12 She SHOULD feel guilty every moment of every day, since it seems that "forgetting" is how they all manage to live with themselves. So if this whole system is set up to take the burden of guilt away from her citizens then she should be forced to live with it on their behalf but INSTEAD she forces Hawthorn and the secret police to know the truth. If they can know the truth so can she and she just chooses not to.

13 This surveillance police state built on crushing political dissent and rampant eugenics is 300 years old run by a single dictator. 300 years of this dictatorship and Elizabeth X has made herself believe its been only 10 years so that she doesn't have to feel guilty. She consented to having her body clock stopped/slowed by the way, so she knew she'd be a dictator for a very long time.

AND YET we, the audience, are supposed to like her. Shes portrayed as righteous to start—shooting down smilers and chasing after the Doctor to help her figure out her evil government. Then shes horrified at her own deeds with very good acting showing a horrified expression. Then the video we are shown is suppose to make us sympathize with her decision showing that if she abdicated everyone will die so OF COURSE she did all these horrible things. Then after Amy gives the Doctor the mask she says "Her majesty says no more secrets on starship UK" implying that this fucking disgusting dictator should be left in power after the absolute fucking hell and murder she sanctioned for 300 years against her own citizens. And I know we are supposed to like her because her supposed badassness returns in The Pandorica Opens with "This is the royal collection and I'm the bloody queen" while pointing a gun at River.

We are supposed to like a disgusting dictator because.... ??? Guess the idea of the monarchy lasting that long was supposed to be cool or whatever.

Elizabeth X is a disgusting oppressive eugenicist dictator

that should have been thrown off the ship. Or fed to the beast. Whichever the people she wronged choose.

Also how is the beast fed now? If no more secrets then no more elections, no more forget buttons, and thus no more protestors. But "citizens of limited value" (again I cannot believe that is an actual fucking quote) still exist. Do they become the sole diet? Do they figure out what star whales naturally eat?

[inurehuman]

PANTOMIME reboot

(Credit for the layout goes to bloodplague in his creepypasta server)

Full Name ── Theophilus William Camden

Proxy Name ──PANT⦻MIME

✮ Nicknames ── Mime, Smiler, Theo

✮ Gender ── Male

✮ Sexuality ── Aroace(Cupioromantic and asexual)

✮ Sexual Preference ── None

✮ Pronouns ── he/they/it

✮ Date of Birth ── 19th september 1906

✮ Age ── 118

✮ Place of Birth ── England

✮ Nationality ── English

✮ Languages ── BSL, speaks English when xe is forced to speak

✮ Scars ── scars and burn marks across his skin from being tortured while he was in the "hospital"

✮ Height ── 6'8 feet

✮ MBTI ── INTJ

✮ Zodiac Sign ── Virgo

☆ has met Zalgo before two years after being turned into what it is now and 3 years before being turned into a proxy

☆ gets along best with the organ harvester, Ticci toby, Angel Hallóvgore, Pick pocket and Terror tony.

☆ Can't get along with BEN, Jeff,Clockwork, Laughing Jack, Karl the purger and Homocidal Liu

☆ tried to kill jeff once during a manic episode

☆ Once kissed the organ harvester

☆ Sexualizes himself during depressive episodes

☆ insomnia (Heightened in Manic episodes)

__`☆ About them:`__

Status 》 Dead/entity

❧ Species 》Proxy(?), demon humanoid

❧ Relationship 》Single

❧ Skills 》 Murder, Maim, Regeneration (Very slowly though)

❧ Likes 》 being alone, dancing to music, listening to people he is fond of ramble, Peperoni, Human flesh, Being in nature because it calms him down and let's him feel less disassociated

❧ Dislikes 》Bullies, crowds, smell of smoke or coffee, some textures (polyester, cheese), getting forced to talk (it hurts them, due to their vocal chords being permanently damaged from being tortured.), Not being in Control of situations

Fears 》losing a person they are fond of, seeing his father again

❧ Triggers 》Talking about his past, calling them names, saying the sentence, "Dont fight back, let it happen, it will all be okay soon."

❧ Weakness 》 cries acid, anxiety, cuts his appendages sometimes when triggered, can barely talk

❧ Working for 》Slenderman but disobeys sometimes

❧ Work 》Proxy

❧ Addictions》cutting and alcohol

❧ Earning Trust 》 its possible but very hard unless your vibe instantly matches

❧ Items 》Candy canes, whips, book and a pen

❧ Aid 》 ticci toby at times

.❧ Parental Figures 》None.

❧ Theme songs 》 So cold by Breaking Benjamin, Emergency contact by pierce the veil, Going under by evanescene, Zombie by the cranberries, My mother wants me dead by Ily and if you can't hang by sleeping with sirens

❧ Disorders 》 Existential OCD, social anxiety, emotional disorder in childhood, generalized anxiety disorder, Schizophrenia, C-PTSD, body dysmorphia, major depressive disorder

__`☆ Favourites:`__

Favourite Interest 》 bugs, how human life and systems work, Life in general

❧ Favourite Songs 》 I will not bow by breaking Benjamin, bad things by get scared,dead memories by slipknot, you're gonna go far kid by the off spring

❧ Favourite Artists 》 Breaking Benjamin, sleeping with sirens, decaying nature, Black Sabbath,Slipknot

❧Favourite Animal 》xe eats animals when he can't get humans, but insects, especially Beetles

❧ Favourite Colours 》 Maroon red

☆༄࿐ Personality`__

It is observant, and analyses people alot before talking with them. If they are with a person they like they can be quite chatty but they prefer to listen a lot of the times. His autism makes him be very bad socially, since he had to learn on how to pick up social cues and use his body language. If he is with a person he completely hates or doesn't like he will disregard them and just ignore any interaction they might try to persuade.

While he isn't the type to judge people, he will judge people based on their actions. He prefers to stay with people that are like him, since they know what stuff is like for him.

•☆༄࿐ Backstory`__

It was 5 a.m., and my father just went out of my room after screaming at me and telling me I will not get food tommorrow. Tears threaten to spill from my eyes and blood dripped down my nose, 'Hold it in. You know Father doesn't like it when you cry.' I think to myself and get up and make my way towards the door.'

It is my fault, I shouldn't have screamed about the man standing in the doorway. At least he is gone now.' I silently whisper as tears keep falling down, and i wipe them away. As I make my way over to the bathroom, I see that terrible creepy man again..His eyes, wait no he doesnt have eyes, nor a face in general, it reminds me of the dog like creature, but that one has somewhat facial features. I dont like them. I can feel a headache forming. He is waving. I shut my eyes and ran to the bathroom, hoping for it to be over and quickly clean up my blood, and and sigh out again. It hurts. I decide to just go back to sleep. Crying is for the weak, that is what the father said.

Of course, I am awoken by the sound of yelling. My father hit my mother again, which is normal for my family.. I wonder why she doesn't fight back, even if it is the opposite of what she always tells me to do I still wonder why, she is strong, I've noticed after she slapped me for asking if I am actually real. "Dont fight back, and let it happen, it will all be okay soon."

common sentence I have heard a lot of times now. I wish father would be nice again, then I wouldn't have to hear it. I can't say it, though, otherwise father will hate me just like I hate myself. I put on a smile to not seem too terrible as Father sends me to school even tho I don't want to go.

In school, it is terrible once again, the kids mock me for my behaviour, I can't help it, and it is not my fault. They exclude me from games in the break, they don't talk to me, and they throw sand or pebbels at me on the playground. Oliver does it the most, I don't get why he doesn't like me. I never talk to him. He tells me it is because I am a devil's child. But I pray every night to God? If I am a devil's child, why don't I have horns? Why doesn't my body look weird? Am I actually real? Is everything real? What if this is not real and I am dreaming? Questions run through my head, but I stay silent, I pinch myself and put on a smile. Okay, I'm not dreaming."It will all be okay soon." I repeat in my head until I am home.

At night, I pray once again, I get tired of praying, but I don't dare tell. If I do, My Father and the priest at our local church will be angry at me. "Dear God. Please protect my mother and me from my father. Amen."

I silently whisper as I hold my 7 year old hands together and hold my eyes shut.

My mother comes into my room, she tells me good night, and that we will go to a special place tomorrow. "Did God hear my prayer? How can he hear my prayer? Is he real?" I ponder after she has left my room, and I write and write into my diary until I fall asleep.

I am awoken once again by my mother. This time, she isn't screaming. However, her eyes are puffy. Has she been crying? She tells me to pack my things to go to the special place, someone will help me there. They will 'fix' me. But what is there to be fixed?. Will they fix my brain? What will they fix and how? Could I have figured it out? I take my diary with me and my clothes and ofcourse I shouldn't forget Smiler, my plush dog.

We ride in a train, and she hugs me a lot of the time. Father tells her to quit it. She does stop hugging me,yet she squeezes my hand and excuses herself as she begins crying again. Why is she crying? Is it my fault? I squeeze her hand back. I stay silent.

Doctors await me at the special place, smiling. I ponder again. Why am I here?

I tremble and tears slip down my cheeks as I open up my diary for the first time in a long time and begin to write."It is terrible. Everything hurts. They beat me a lot of the times, they use me, and they forget to give me food. I don't understand how I should be fixed, I want this all to stop. They made me dance for them today like they did all week. They made me touch them, I do not want to be here anymore. They take needles and inject them into me, i believe i have abornmally grown.." And I write and write until I see matches laying on the ground..

The building has been burned down. However, there has been a diary found. It is covered in dirt and most pages are unreadable, but scientists have been able to decipher some pages. "I can hear them. They are right behind me.And I can see them. They are laughing at me, mocking me. I'm still locked inside, I want to get out.. they forced me onto a machine yesterday, It burned and burned. Today, they took me into a room away from the others and whipped my back until it bled. It all hurts so much. I dont understand why, i had to stay silent or otherwise they wouldve have put me on the pullmachine again, i dont know if my body can take anymore..They injected something in me today again, it hurts. However, it will all be okay soon. I will be fixed. That is what they said. I need to pray again."

[with-the-same-tattoos]

Sirppi: Garnet, Lapis Lazuli

Milkweed: Sunstone, Tourmaline

Monarda: Agate, Zircon (Vincent)

👀👀👀

Sirppi Soljola

Garnet (bad habit(s)) — self sabotage. Big time. They try to be a good person, but despite their often dreamy nature, they have a really pessimistic little strain of thinking; doubtful, scared, self isolating.... they're brave when it comes to strange places, but intimacy, depth, etc, is really frightening to them, because theyre not atm ready to handle rejection/they have often felt dismissed/belittled for their emotions.

Lapis Lazuli (something they see as beautiful) — Sirppi finds it really easy to find beauty in new things!!! This wears out fairly quickly however, and they seek to find new beautiful things. One thing that never ceizes to amaze them however is the ocean. It's both beautiful and horrifying to him. It's heavy, intense, unimaginably strange, and Sirppi often gets lost just staring at heavy waves and how they fall and disperse. They're also pretty amazed by people, but they do get a lil nervous.

Milkweed

Sunstone (something that never fails to make them smile) — theyre quite the smiler tbh in general!!!! They can barely stop smiling normally!!!!!! They think theyre being polite, but tbh it comes off as really creepy. Good trick is to compliment them tho. They get full on flustered really easily and start to smile more genuinely and stumble on their words etc!

Tourmaline (favorite thing to wear) — anything light n loose!!! Preferably stuff that shows their tats, since they loove those being seen.

Monarda Didyma

 Agate (a secret they’ve told only one person) — Monarda isn't very... secretive, I would say? They confess the strangest things, and people just think they're joking or that they're a little silly.

Zircon – (something they really should say to (pick another character)) — HUH. I think "stop making people into living wax statues" would be a good start.... however.... yeah. What Mona wants to say to Vincent can be best explained via questions like.... do you think your art is more valuable than human life. Etc. Because they don't know and they want 2 understand. But also they want to make Vincent understand his own thoughts.

Flawed gems headcanon asks (fandom/original characters!)

[lovelikedestiny]

3. Copley: And our kingdom is gone

White glowing skin, touched by stars,

kissed by silver moonlight.

When Joe gets up and leaves the room with one last stroke of Nicky's head, just as Copley has entered the living room, Copley asks himself when the immortals started to trust him.

Andy and Nile are exercising in his backyard and Copley, hoping they don't destroy his amateur herb patch or his dahlias, has tried very hard to give them privacy. By that he means that he is not standing on the porch like a stalker and watching the two women attack each other without mercy and with deadly skill, faster than he has ever seen.

Astonished, he stops and stares at the door Joe has disappeared through before he realizes that he is not alone in the living room. Nicky nods slightly to him, one corner of his mouth curved into something like a half smile and Copley only realizes that because he has spent the last few days closely observing the immortal warriors and analyzing their behavior.

Copley has always considered himself to be a passable, if not a good judge of people - this skill was very helpful in his job and served him well. But Nicky's micro-expressions are on a completely different level. He seems perfectly at rest within himself and nothing in his face indicates what is going on inside him. Admittedly, Copley finds this just as intimidating as Andy's sharp presence, Joe's death look and Nile's powerful charisma. Nicky must be really good at playing poker, Copley thinks, and inwardly shakes his head because it's like wondering what Joe likes to do in his free time besides the obvious drawing, or what kind of ice cream Andy prefers to eat. And Copley isn't sure that the relationship between him and the ancient warriors can be considered as that familiar.

He fully understands their vigilant, suspicious attitude towards him and is determined to help them with their current problem, because he is complicit in the events that have happened and hopes to gain their forgiveness. Guilt and shame are still present in his heart for being blinded by the prospect of helping people with illnesses like the one that plagued his wife, even though all the signs of Merrick's sadistic play were right under his nose.

All the more, the fact that Joe left him alone with Nicky in a room, presumably to use the bathroom, feels like a minor victory, and Copley tries not to seem too baffled by it.

The minimal change in the bright mountain lakes that make up Nicky's eyes shows that he's not doing as good a job as he has hoped. In Nicky's eyes and the features around his mouth, the most emotions can be read, Copley noted, even if it will take him a lot of practice to see as much in Nicky's face as Joe. He will probably never reach this level, because he certainly does not have 900 years for a character study.

Nicky's minimal facial movements also make it harder for Copley to tell if he's in pain or to recognize the warning signs that precede any vomiting of blood - which is now occurring with terrible regularity.

Since he has found a tough nut to crack in Nicky, Copley has started to pay attention to Joe after Nicky's first blood break, in order to learn more about Nicky's behavior. With this tactic, Copley adds daily to his mental list of Nicky's signs of certain sensations, and to his chagrin, the signs of physical pain seem to be increasing in frequency.

Copley, one of those people who whine hard when they stub their little toe, admires the stoicism with which Nicky endures his rapidly deteriorating condition. Only his slow, sluggish movements and a barely noticeable frown are frequent indications of Nicky's discomfort, as well as a slight lowering of the corners of the mouth and the twitching of his jaw pointed out for Copley by Nile.

And of course the tremors from the chills going through Nicky's body at that moment. In addition to the thick hoodies, they pulled out all the stops with various blankets, socks, hot-water bottles and tea and Joe gives Nicky his body heat anyway, just like Andy and even Nile.

This deep, family bond between Andy, Joe and Nicky is met with great fascination by Copley and although Nile has only been an immortal for a few weeks, even Copley can see how easily the young woman has integrated into the team like a matching piece of a puzzle. It also shows him how much the emptiness of his house oppressed him after the death of his wife and that he finds himself wishing to be a part of this unusual family of extraordinary individuals.

With a quiet clearing of his throat, Copley de-freezes himself from where he has been standing for an alarmingly long number of seconds and turns the heat up. With the onset of autumn it is not a problem to heat so strongly because the nights are gradually getting colder. And Copley finds that he's already used to the high temperatures in the constantly heated living room. Sweating a little to keep Nicky from freezing as little as possible is probably the least Copley can do.

"Thank you, Mr. Copley," Nicky says, returning his attention to the open book in his lap, which Copley cannot identify as one of his. While he grimaces inwardly - whether that's because Nicky is the only one who continues to call him Mr. Copley, or because of how rough and strained his voice sounds, Copley can't tell - he sits down in the place where he is working. At least when he's not in his study. Actually, the professional atmosphere of his office always helps him to be more productive, but since Andy and her team moved in with him, Copley has gotten used to finding the presence of the others very pleasant.

When Joe returns, Copley is back to work retracing Meta Kozak's footsteps. She is currently moving from the western US towards New Mexico, but Copley doesn't know what her destination is or where she is keeping any evidence from Merrick's lab and that makes him angry at himself. He tracked Andromache the Scythian and her group of immortal warriors down so he shouldn't have any problems pinning Kozak down too. On the other hand, he had time to track down the immortals, and in this case it seems to be running like sand through his fingers.

Neither of the others is pushing him to hurry up or do better work, which Copley appreciates, but they all see Nicky's crumbling form every day.

Five minutes pass with no sound coming from the sofa, except for the occasional rustle of paper when Nicky turns a page or the sound of Joe's pen in his sketchbook, and Copley longs for a fifth cup of coffee.

"Copley?"

"Yes?" Even if Copley suspects what Joe wants from him, he takes his eyes off the irritatingly bright screen of his laptop to look at him.

Joe's dark, serious eyes are in such a strong contrast to the soft, warm expression of affection that they always take on when they come to rest on Nicky. "Is there-" Joe pauses to reconsider his choice of words, but Copley realizes in it the unrest that comes with Copley's own uneasiness. "- any news?"

To be honest, Copley prefers an angry, menacing Joe to the version whose tiny spark of hope Copley has to stifle over and over again, and he hates it. Still, he keeps his calm and shakes his head. "No, I'm sorry. I was able to locate her on the recordings of a hotel in Phoenix, Arizona, where she stayed for three nights. But I can't tell where she's going next. My guess is New Mexico, but she has changed direction several times in the past two days.” He sighs and shakes his head again. "She is very careful, which means that she expects you to search for her."

The pale, blurred face and cold, lifeless-looking eyes on his laptop cause a disgusted, hate-like feeling in his stomach. Copley wonders how he could ever expect from such an immoral doctor who sliced ​​people up for the Nobel Prize and took samples without letting herself be disturbed by their screams of pain to do something good for humanity.

Joe nods slowly and turns to his drawing with furrowed eyebrows, chewing on his lower lip and Copley looks at Nicky, only to notice that Nicky's focus has long been on his love. Copley thinks he sees something like concern in Nicky's eyes and then he reaches out his hand and squeezes Joe's, saying something in a lowered tone in that strange language and Joe snorts and grins slightly.

Copley has seen moments like this quite often lately. It's no secret that Nicky's condition weighs as heavily on Joe as a block of cement, and while Joe is definitely a smiler, there's nothing like it to be seen. Dry comments from Andy or deliberately silly jokes from Nile make him smile and, at best, even laugh a little. But only Nicky manages to ignite the humorous spark in his eyes and he does that as often as possible.

In the same language, Joe replies something, causing a low snort from Nicky about that Joe looks so happy, as if he had won the jackpot, before he seeks Copley's eye contact again. "Thank you, Copley."

Copley high fives himself in his head for the further progress he's made with the immortals and smiles. "Of course, I will keep you informed about further results."

"We really appreciate that," Nicky says, putting his book aside. He coughs heavily and Joe is immediately on alert, ready to jump up and grab the bucket they've positioned next to the sofa since the accumulating blood-vomiting, but Nicky pulls himself together. "Have you eaten anything today, Mr. Copley?" He asks hoarsely.

"I beg your pardon?" Copley blinks.

Up to this point he hasn't even given a thought to food and is amazed to realize that he has actually not eaten anything since last night because he was too busy following Kozak's trail. As if on command, his stomach growls softly and Copley is stunned that Nicky pays remarkable attention to who is eating what and when.

"Oh," Copley says, staring at his keyboard and then at Nicky, who is patiently waiting. "I'm afraid not, no."

He didn't even finish his sentence when Nicky gets up from the sofa - so slowly that it's painful to watch - and heads for the kitchen. "Do you like French omelettes?"

"Nicky-" Joe is hot on Nicky's heels, which is no wonder given Nicky's slow pace, every step taken so carefully, as if every move would hurt him. Because Nicky is supposed to take it easy and rest, Andy and Nile have thrown him out of the kitchen a few times because standing at the stove had exhausted him. And even if Copley doesn't know all the habits of the team by a long way, he can see how much Nicky loves to look after his family and that cooking and baking gives him great joy. This makes it all the more difficult for him not even be able to do that.

And the way Joe looks, he is more than aware of it. But instead of putting Nicky back on the sofa and advising him not to use the kitchen to make Copley a French omelette because it could harm his condition, Joe just says gently, "May I help you?"

It is not a statement that has been disguised in a question to avoid contradiction. It's a real question that Joe means wholeheartedly and leaves Nicky to decide whether he wants to work alone in the kitchen or to be helped. Joe didn't ask if he could cook, but asked Nicky's permission to help him cook and leave the main work to Nicky. And that Joe pays such careful attention to Nicky's feelings and wants to do something about it that he feels useless, moves Copley more than he would have expected.

Copley only catches a glimpse of the smile Nicky only saves for Joe. "Of course, hayati." Copley can't miss the underlying gratitude.

Continue reading on AO3 ;)

[illegiblewords]

hm-- i'm going to be the obvious one and suggest lahabrea (or hades, whichever someone hasn't already sent!)

YOU’RE IN LUCK, NEITHER HAS BEEN SENT!

LAHABREA

First impression: Wow what a boring villain, very 2-D with shitty dialogue and bland motives wearing the all black spooky-like. And we are supposed to be very impressed and intimidated just like Hydaelyn. When is Heavensward?

Impression now: My friends I have 180′d and now love this poor sad loser to pieces. Emet-Selch revealing that no, Lahabrea really has been being a lameass this entire time and why the hell did we take him seriously when he had such horrendous decision-making throughout was the beginning. Seriously, I basically yelled laughing when the “crowning moment of idiocy” line happened. Because until that point the models for Ascian behavior were Mr. I-laugh-at-explosions-and-yell-about-Zodiark Lahabrea, Sir I-don’t-talk-much-but-when-I-do-it’s-about-Zodiark-and-balance Elidibus, a certain I-hate-all-these-people-because-Zodiark-likes-them-better-WAITAHOTCHICK Nabriales, Ms. I-fucked-up-and-will-never-live-it-down-so-no-longer-show-my-emotions Igeyorhm, and a couple of oneliners. None of whom have seemed overly self-aware. The second that line came out of Hades’ mouth, it became clear that YES we can judge them all and NO this is not some kind of standard Ascian behavior we should just accept. None of them have to act that way. They’re just weirdos.

Then Shadowbringers happened and there was a period of “wait how did Amaurot’s top orator turn into the Lahabrea we know” and learning that Lahabrea was weak because he kept body hopping despite knowing it was damaging him.

Aaaaand at Gamescom, bless Oda and Yoshida, they gave the single smoothest fix and I am eternally grateful. Workaholic Lahabrea is a gift. He probably doesn’t even know what he’s saying most of the time and is just trying to give the impression he knows what he’s about before dropping a monster and running off.

But then combining all the info and playing detective with past scenes he’s actually really sad. Still lame and stupid funny at times but also sad as hell when dots get connected. At this point I figure he’s motivated by guilt complexes, denial-flavored-tempering, and fear of both falling asleep because nightmares and how much blood will rest directly on him if he fails. Because I think I remember seeing that Zodiark was his idea. And literally everyone except for him, Hades, and Elidibus died in connection with that.

I think he’s a Stepford smiler in the sense that internally he is deeply, deeply fucked but he distracts himself in how ridiculous a lot of the FFXIV situations are and laughing at the resulting blow-ups. Space-dragon-ghost-explodes-out-of-the-moon-to-wreak-havoc is a hell of a thing for the history books. I also think he probably knows or assumes people don’t like him and that he deserves it. I also think that while the other two Unsundered get frustrated with him, he’s probably also been hiding the level of fucked up he still is from them in a lot of ways and they assume to varying degrees that he’s being irrational, hot-headed, arrogant, and stubborn with it. I think in actuality he’s somewhat aware but is semi-deliberately hurting himself and alternately doesn’t think he has a right to stop or is horrified by how much less capable he is after spending thousands of years essentially hurting himself through body hopping and overwork. Reprimanding him probably doesn’t work because he already has a lot of reason to detest himself. I also think he probably tries really hard not to think about himself on a personal level because once he falls into that pit he’s not getting out easily, so there’s a solid amount of repression going on too.

I could go on. He is a sad clown to me who tries to cover up how tired he is by vomiting five syllable words.

Favorite moment

See, there’s funniest moment and there’s most interesting moment. His intro at the Thousand Maws of Toto-Rak makes me giggle a lot now. Most interesting to me is possibly his exchange with Elidibus after Nabriales’ death or when he shows up late to a meeting and discreetly tries to explain why he should be allowed to work again. 

Idea for a story

:[ I don’t know if I can do it because I am still very happily committed to my Hades/WoL sequel, but following the story Stalemate I did I could see a situation with that specific WoL checking the Eye post-Shinryu and freeing Lahabrea. Very scenario-specific and all but I have some ideas about that.

Unpopular opinion

Idk if unpopular so much as different?

I’ve seen a lot of Lahabrea variants that I think are really cool and interesting! Some are very serious and dignified. Some are intimidatingly hot-tempered. But for me, part of what I find intriguing are the ways he doesn’t quite add up with the persona he’s trying to portray. I also really like small, cute human elements in characters that let you fall in love with them a little. This goes even for characters I find reprehensible because IMO it’s important to take both the endearing and the appalling together when forming opinions. It’s still fiction and I don’t think it translates to “if you like a character who committed murder then you like murder” or anything. I do think though that if the audience steps back and has to say point blank whether they think the character is a good person, a bad person, or somewhere in-between (regardless of liking them) that kind of thing becomes important.

I can understand why people would write off the iffy early writing to just spin Lahabrea as a highly respectable, unflappable, untouchable dude. I definitely still enjoy stories where he’s written that way. It’s just not so much how I read him haha. I think he tries to be that but there’s a lot of comedy and tragedy going on with him internally that hits hard when embraced. And I think being assumed as immune to any kind of vulnerability or real connection would probably fuck with him a lot too. Before the Ascian we know, he was considered one of the most exemplary citizens of Amaurot. It would be weird imo if he was completely isolated even then, and seeing how he got from Point A to Point B has a ton of pathos potential.

I also like him a lot despite thinking Thancred is absolutely justified in hating his guts, but it doesn’t come up as much with me so I could see there being some ???

Favorite relationship

XD I just did a WoL/Lahabrea shipfic personal challenge so naturally that influences me a bit so far as shipping goes. That said I am a multishipper. I could see him with either of the Unsundered being interesting. I’ve seen some cute stuff with Igeyorhm too but have less strong of an opinion there currently. Non-shipping I think he’s probably closest to Elidibus, has a sort of testy relationship with Hades but they ultimately do care about each other, and possibly has some level of closeness with Igeyorhm too. I also think that Nabriales dislikes Lahabrea more than Lahabrea dislikes him and that can cause some interesting problems.

Probably in-general I’m just very here for dysfunctional Unsundered trio.

Favorite headcanon

The workaholic thing and the self-destructive thing are technically both canon. His being lame specifically because of being tired all the time I think is probably it because the rest just follows for me haha.

As a smaller, more mundane headcanon I think Lahabrea is a super ugly sleeper most of the time. Probably drools.

Will do a post for Hades too and tag it but need to do other stuff for a bit! BUT THANK YOU!

[whenimgoodandready]

Webster’s just added a new entry in their dictionary! Jannanigans! “Jannanigans-n. /JANˈnanəɡənz/-silly or high-spirited behavior that can only be displayed if they act like or are Janna Ordonia.” Well, that’s interesting. Now let’s get into come “Jannanigans” right now!:

*Jannanigans-So last we checked, Tom, Star and Marco couldn’t get any of their portals open and it was NOT cuz of their “sad magical emotions”, but cuz something is goin’ on in Mewni that’s preventing them from going. Toms fire doesn’t work, Stars Mewberty form doesn’t work, even Marcos dimensional scissors don’t work! So how can they get to Mewni without magic!? Wait a minute! Wasn’t there a non magical being that got to Mewni without magic!? (eyes widen) Janna!

That’s it! Janna got to Mewni in “Out of Business” and she didn’t even bother to answer how! Leaving all of us wondering why she was even there to begin with and what her purpose was! (face palms) Ugh! Janna, you’re so aggravating! Just tell us how you got to Mewni!?..........Whattaya mean you don’t remember!? Spit it out, Ordonia! Okay fine! We’ll retrace your steps on “A normal Thursday” to figure it out! Ugh! So you feed the possums garbage, Uh-ha, then you get your hat sewn in a kid friendly shady back alley gang, right right, right, and then you pay the leader with tennis balls for his dog and-JANNA! THIS ISN’T HELPING! How👏🏻DID👏🏻YOU👏🏻GET👏🏻TO👏🏻MEWNI!!!👏🏻. Y-You know what Janna, YOU’RE A FREAK! You Snoop around in Stars spellbook! (“Mewberty”), You steal Marcos personal information! (“Gift of the Card”) and You’re a lousy babysitter! (“Meteora’s Lesson”). WHY WERE YOU THERE IN MEWNI!? HUH!? HUH!? YOU LACK PURPOSE! How can you be a fan favorite!? You cause nothing, but trouble for everyone and you don’t give a damn about anything! I mean, what kind of person goes around acting like that cuz they think it’s cool!? Well guess what? IT’S NOT COOL! It’s not cool at all! It just makes you look like an a**hole! AND ANOTHER THING!-Janna, why are you upset!? W-what are you doing? You don’t get upset! You’re Janna! Quit pouting!....................(sigh) Look, I’m sorry, Okay! I guess maybe you do have human emotions after all. It’s just that, you were cool at first, but now you’re just one big confusing and annoying mystery!.............Cheer up! Well ya! We’ll go to Britta’s Tacos and figure something out.

Oh no! Wait! You’re banned from there! (“Britta’s Tacos” hisses through grind teeth) My bad, sorry, why don’t we just go to the mall inste-Wait! Janna! You remember! You remember how you got to Mewni! How!? Tell me! Wait! YOU stole the T-shirt prize!? Never mind! So you snuck in the back room, Uh-ha, then you opened the door to the supply closet, yeah, yeah, then you went down a-a creepy ladder? Wait, what!? And then you found a cave with some strange “graffiti”? Wait! Is that-Is that Glossaryck!? Is that a Mewnmam hieroglyphs wall!? Well, what’s a Mewman hieroglyphs message doing on Earth!? In the back room of a Mexican restaurant!? WHAT!? Hey! There’s a well in there too! Wait! Wasn’t that the same well Moon and Star found in “Conquer” when they’re high on magic and Moon left her hand prints on!? Holy Sh*t! IT IS! It came back to haunt us! It was important! OMG! No wonder Janna forgot! It’s amnesia inducing! (Badum-tish🥁).

I gotta admit, who among us has not been through any “Jannanigans”!? Huh? I mean, we all must’ve had at least one or two......or three......or four..........(whispers) or a hundred. Either way, it’s happened to us! We’ve all done some questionable things in life and are ashamed, but Janna here, she has no shame. Nope! Nope! Nope! Not Janna, no siree bob! MmmMmm. At first, she just that weird bad girl who was into macabre and the supernatural that was kinda funny and the fans do love her and now she’s been promoted to opening title sequence! Despite her freaky deaky nature, she’s still a good friend and helps ‘em out as best as she can. She made Star sheriff of detention (“Girl’s Day Out”), summoning a monster with Star (“Hungry Larry”), she can make jokes (“Mathmagic”), trying to get Stars mind off Marco with the other girls (“Starcrushed”), getting Glossaryck to stop haunting Star (“Rest in Pudding”), controlling Stars sleep portaling (“Deep Dive”) and trying to give Tom a life (“Junkin’ Janna”). She’s okay :). They say even the mighty can fall and Miss “Too-Cool-to-Care” Janna here, has feelings! Awwwww. As big of a chaos fan she is, this whole “How-she-got-to-Mewni” business was so weird even for her! Janna was freaked out herself! Course, this wasn’t the first time we saw her vulnerable side. She confessed she has feminine interests (“Sleepover”), can get scared by monsterous birds (“Junkin’ Janna”) and now she’s overwhelmed with her own nature! It’s cool if a tough character can be shown as sensitive. It’s not a sign of weakness. It just shows that they’re human. More on her is that we got to see her parents! They seem like one of those Stepford Smiler types who hides their pain through a forced smile and attitude to me. I always pictured them as conservitives due to Janna’s rebelliousness, but it’s nice to own she’s normal enough to have parents (shrugs). Her rooms pretty on point. Same creepy vibes as her. And dark! A little break from her for a moment. Midway in the ep, Tom gave Marco his blessing on dating Star! Marco points out the Severing Stone that “fixed” his and Stars feelings for each other, but Tom says that he realizes it was all just bullsh*t. The Blood Moon was probably just a gimmick to get people interested in it and even if the Severing Stone erased their love, who’s to say they can’t fall in love again!? From what I heard, Star and Marco remembered being at the ball and their dance, but forgot their last conversation which was about love! That’s when the moon cracked and erased their feelings! However, those feelings can come back you know!............just sayin’..........it can! Back to the Girl of the Hour again! Janna, you’re a good character and honestly, I really wanted you to come back from Season 2, I even made a post about it, and you did, so thank you, good-luck on saving Mewni with Team Star and I hope you end up happy in the finale! Stay creepy girlfriend!

[coolveraverto]

Fur, Feathers, and Fins (Chap 1)

Chapter 1: Why would some Quidditch extraordinaire want to work in a pet store? I seriously have no answer. But I’m determined to find out.

HPFT

Everyone else was rubbish. They were either too young and made butt-crack jokes, too old to keep up with the pace - or they simply just didn’t have it. I swear on Dumbledore’s beard - there just wasn’t anyone else qualified for the job. Honest.

When James Potter II walked into my father’s pet shop… well, I was quite surprised.

One: His Uncle owned the famous WWW joke shop in Hogsmeade so why the hell did he come in here looking for a job? Surely he could get a job at the family business. Or anywhere really; He was a Potter (surname props).

Two: I hadn’t seen him since our Hogwarts days. Except for that time over a year ago when I saw him in London shopping with a pretty blonde - not like he saw me. I think.

And Three: I knew him as the snarky and determined Gryffindor Quidditch star. Everyone at school always said he could be tough-as-nails on the Quidditch pitch (he made my best friend play with a broken wrist during the last match against Slytherin), and he was not as smart or walked around with his nose up in the air like his younger brother, but I always thought he sounded too cocky in sixth year Potions. So why would some Quidditch extraordinaire want to work in a pet store?

I seriously have no answer. But I’m determined to find out.

_

Since I could barely pick myself up without falling straight on my buttocks, we’ve had the shop. Here is a little history about Fur, Feathers, and Fins (AKA FFF):

Mum despised the shop. Dad was in absolute delight about it. FFF caused some major marriage problems between the two.

Backdrop: My parents, Alicia Spinnet and Nolan Mackenzie met at Hogwarts. Though hardly. Mum was two years behind him, a Gryffindor Chaser with a sharp tongue and no tolerance for distracting boys. Dad thought she was cute but he was a shy Hufflepuff that helped Hagrid feed the giant squid on weekends. It wasn’t until a year after she graduated when they ran into each other at a shared friend’s wedding. Long story short: They got married not even six months later. Everything was good - Dad was working at a muggle Bar and Mum was paying the bills because of the Harpies; They laughed and talked and mum prodded at his ribs whenever he sang terribly to her.

And then an abandoned shop went for sale in Diagon Alley. “This was my real chance!” he always says. It had always been his dream to open a pet store filled with all sorts of animals - magical and non magical. Anything with fur, feathers, and fins that wanted a home. And he was going to be the one to help that. Except mum hated it.

She wanted to open a Quidditch supplies shop. Anything that wasn’t even remotely human made her skin itch. And being seven months pregnant with me, she didn’t find it a spectacular idea. Something along the lines of, “You couldn’t even decide on bloody nursery wallpaper but you can decide on this in a split second!”

I spent the first four months of my babyhood yanking on the tails of Kneazles and swatting my chubby palms at flying Golden Snidgets. Mum only came to the shop when she absolutely needed to and Dad sometimes spent nights there alone. Then they got divorced.

I was too young to really understand it so having two parents that live in separate parts of the world and only speak to each other when it directly affects me was a norm growing up. I lived with Mum in Leeds until I went to Hogwarts and saw Dad on certain Holidays. He was so happy when I was sorted into Hufflepuff, and to be honest… I felt closer to him somehow. Mum scrunched up her nose like she always does but she never said anything.

Once I graduated Hogwarts, Dad offered me a job working for FFF. I immediately took it, moving into a flat in London with my best mate, and mum had gotten remarried to some boring bloke that didn’t age well. Dad is still hung up on her though and I only know this because he still has their wedding photos and such sitting around his house. I don’t say anything about them.

Anyway.

So for the last four years I have been working for FFF. Some people think it’s a complete joke - that it is easy. “Oh, you work at a pet store?” Like it’s lame. “All you do is feed them and wait for someone to take them home?” Like that shit is easy.

News Flash: It isn’t easy.

Some days I actually want to bury my head into a blender and make myself into a smoothie. The chirping and meowing and barking and growling and whatever else noises they can make can drive a person up a wall. So bloody loud and consistent. I don’t think I know what it’s like not to have a headache anymore.

And then we have to clean up after them. That’s right. The stuff that comes out of both ends of these magical buggers. And some are SO smart, in fact I think Monty (a kneazle) makes himself vomit on purpose because he knows I have to mop it up. They can be so cruel. And so nasty.

But the hardest part is: when they get adopted. I know, it’s what we’re even open for business for and whatnot. But I grow so fondly for each and every one of them, even the grumpy fur balls. It breaks my heart just a little when they leave the shop, but it’s a bittersweet feeling.

It wasn’t until the seventh employee that my dad hired had quit when he finally ordered me to hire the next. The thought of interviewing randoms made me nauseous - I was not cut out for that type of bizz. But we needed the extra help and so I made a funky flyer - and by “I made” I mean my best mate did - and suddenly I was interviewing at least a dozen people for three days straight.

But like I said prior: they all bloody sucked. The animals would hiss at some, hide from others - or the interviewees would scream at some, hide from others. It was turning out to be a bleeding mess. I was beginning to lose hope and starting to accept the fact that I was gonna have to work ten times harder.

And then James Potter walked through the door.

Cue the ironic sound bell from muggle rom coms.

His brown hair was styled with gel, his yellow tie was almost as bright as his face, which, to say the least, was dazzling. Of course I always admitted to myself that James Potter II was a handsome bloke, back in my Hogwarts days. It wasn’t like I daydreamed about him snogging me in the broom closets, but I did turn pink once when he picked up the quill I had dropped that one time. But seeing him grow from a teenager to a 20-something. . . Okay, he got better-looking.

He smiled awkwardly when he saw me and I looked like a right-damn idiot - my jaw practically sitting on the floor just staring at him like a pea-sized brain fish! But thankfully, I came to my senses, wiping my hands on my red trousers and trying to smile back. Key word: Trying.

“Can I help you with something?” I asked with my employee-polite-voice.

He whisked out parchment from his pants pocket. It was my stupid lime-green flyer. OH my Merlin.

“I’m here for a position?” He asked like it was a question, I almost laughed. “You’re still hiring right?”

“Um, yes, we are -”

Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Purrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Monty, the grumpy fat kneazle that hated everyone including me, was purring and trailing around James’ legs, making bright orange kneazle-fur to stick to his pants. You have got to be kidding me right now.

I snatched Monty away - trying not to get myself scratched in the process as Monty began wailing like something hideous. Which he is. “I am so bloody sorry, James. Truly, I do not know what has gotten into -”

“You remember me?” James asked, looking surprised. How could he even look surprised? Of course I’d remember HIM. But how in the bleeding world could someone like James Potter remember someone like ME? I had one friend in Hogwarts and I was - not going to lie - invisible.

“Well - yeah,” I replied lamely. And then out of bravery I asked, “You know me?”

James laughed. It was beautiful.

“If I can recall, you were always around Montgomery,” he explained and then he shook his head with a small smile playing on his lips. “You were always distracting that Keeper of mine. Could never block a quaffle when you were sitting in the stands. I guess it’s your fault we lost against Hufflepuff in the last match.”

Laughter erupted out of me so much I could barely control it. I never distracted Gavin during games. How could I even distract him? I was always too busy reading books on magical creatures to even know who won the blasted games.

James was looking at me weirdly and so I stopped laughing. Trying to play it cool I said, “I guess I just wanted my own House to win for a change. You Gryffindors were always too boastful.”

“Is that what you truly believe?” He was smiling like a kid on Christmas. “Maybe we were just trying to impress some pretty Hufflepuffs.”

Oh. My. Merlin.

Was he flirting?

He totally was.

Merlin.

I raised an eyebrow and decided to try to act like James Potter flirting with me was like bleeding normal or ordinary. “I’m not sure I can talk for all of my fellow Hufflepuffs, but I was too busy to notice arrogant teenage boys,” I said out loud, but on the inside I was dancing.

“Ah!” He jokingly put a hand over his heart like I had broken it. “My inner seventeen year old boy has a broken heart now. How dare you, Kitty Mackenzie.”

Oh. I hadn’t been called Kitty, other than by my father since I was in Hogwarts, so it was strange and unexpected when James said it. He was still grinning at me and I suddenly had the feeling that James Potter was a smiler and I would be damned if I were to be the one to break that smile.

“So. . .” I said as James picked Monty up off the ground and snuggled him against his chest. This cannot be real. When I finally wake up, I will realize this whole interaction had been a beautiful blissful dream. “When can you start?”

“You hired Harry Potter’s son?!” Dad has been freaking out since I told him the news of our new employee for the past like, ten minutes. His eyes are like saucers. “Harry Potter’s son is working for my pet shop.”

I roll my eyes and take a bite of my bread roll. In between bites I say, “Why do you keep saying his name like that? He’s just a person.”

“He’s not just a person, didn’t you learn anything in school?”

Yes, I know Harry Potter saved the wizarding world. He defeated the most evilest wizard ever. He’s the boy-who-lived. Yadada. Of course I know all about him, it’s basically imprinted in my brain forever. Especially since Dad worships the man. But he’s still just a person. And I could always tell James, and his siblings, didn’t like the special treatment they’d get all the time.

Instead, just to grind his gears a little more, I tell him all seriously, “No, never heard of him. I only learned about Nifflers.”

Dad gives me a look. “Do you realize how great this is for our shop?”

I raise an eyebrow. “How is James Potter great for the shop? He hasn’t even started yet. He might even quit like the last seven hires.”

Despite what I just told him, Dad smiles wide. “Everyone is going to want see Harry Potter’s son at work. Business will be booming!”

“Dad.” I sighed. “Don’t try to use this for publicity. I know you mean it from the heart but seriously, don’t. I think he might have some real potential.”

He studies me for a moment before nodding. “You’re right, I’m sorry Kitty. We shouldn’t even be discussing the shop. Let’s just eat this delicious dinner you cooked for us. This must have taken you ages, sweetie!”

“Oh, yeah,” I said, grinning. “One hundred percent a homemade meal.”

Okay, lie. It was totally take-out.

Later when I get to my flat, I run into a woman in the kitchen and almost scream.

Okay. I actually did scream.

“Merlin,” she gasps and almost drops the towel wrapped around her. Bloody hell, why is there a half-naked woman in my kitchen?!

The answer: Gavin. It’s always because of Gavin.

When I swing open his bedroom door, he curses and quickly tries to cover himself with a blanket. “Kaitlyn! Bloody hell! Can’t you knock?”

I lean against the doorway and give him a sour look. “Oh, I’m sorry. Are we talking about rules right now?”

Gavin sits on the edge of his bed and sighs. “Uh, I know. I know.”

I don’t budge. “‘Cause I thought we had a rule about you bringing women to the flat only on Fridays and Saturdays. NOT on Sundays. I almost just sucker punched that woman in the face, Gavin!”

He suppresses a laugh and I give him a look that could really freaking kill him. He gulps.

“I’m sorry, Kaitlyn but -”

The woman clears her throat behind me and I turn to her. She looks even more pissed than me. “Excuse me,” she says to me, “but did you say women as in plural or singular because I was under the impression that I was the only woman in Gavin’s life.”

“Uhhh,” I say, stumbling for words. Oh, crap. “Well. . . I mean, you’re not the ONLY woman in his life, I am his roommate.”

She raises her auburn eyebrows and her brown eyes dart back and forth between Gavin and I. He looks so nervous. “Really?” She says. “Wow. Huh. Because he said that his roommate was a guy.”

“Okay, I think I’m gonna let you two talk and - “ Gavin sends me pleading eyes as I slip past and run for cover.

I hear him say, “Babe, I know this looks bad but it’s kind of a funny story actually -” before the door shuts.

I would NOT like to be him right now. He’s my best mate since basically forever but the guy is a total womanizer. He had it comin’, as people say.

I’m sitting on the sofa eating popcorn when the redhead marches out, never even glancing my way, and Gavin jumps onto the seat beside me. He grabs a handful of popcorn and eats it like the animals at FFF.

“Whatcha watching?” He asks me brightly.

I raise an eyebrow. “A muggle film. Aren’t you a little upset about whatshername?”

“Why should I be upset? Everything is fine.”

“Oh. So you guys talked?”

“Oh, yeah,” he says. “We “talked” all right.” And then he wiggles his eyebrows.

“You’re a pig!” I tell him and shove him so hard that he nearly topples to the ground. Once he stops laughing I tell him that I actually hired someone.

“Woah! Congrats! Who’s the unlucky person?”

“Okay, so don’t freak out. . .”

“Why would I?” He asks me, his dark brows furrowing.

“I don't know. My dad did. And you know him from Hogwarts.”

Gavin looks surprised by this. “Really? Hmm. All right, tell me.”

“It’s James Potter.”

“Fucking Hell.”

“Gavin!” I exclaim.

He looks stony serious. “Sorry, sorry. It’s just. . . a bit weird that you hired James Potter. And you’re going to be working with him like, everyday now.”

“Why is that so weird?” I ask him.

“Because that girl - bloody hell - that girl is Lily Potter. James’ younger sister.”

Oh. Shit.

Hi! I hope you enjoy the first chapter! I am currently working on chapter 6 :)

[falseroar]

Can You Wake Up? Part 16: Laugh Like You Mean It

((Links to Part 15: Some Advice and Part 1: Great Things. ))

Wilford’s tour was just as erratic and confusing as the man himself. It started in the bathroom, as Wilford gave you a very detailed history of how many times he accidentally broke the sink last week before taking you around the bedrooms, throwing doors open with abandon and at random until he got to the Googles’ room, where the original Google looked up from a see-through screen he had pulled up and scowled.

“Do you m-mind? My update is 97% c-complete and I do not wish to st-st-start over again.”

“Cranky robot room,” Wilford said, gesturing at the room which seemed to consist of charging stations and a few chairs with little else in the way of decoration. “The cool one is next door.”

Google twitched, giving you Anti flashbacks. “B-Bing is just de-de-default. He is not the cool one.”

“How is the red Google doing?” you asked hesitantly, glancing at Wilford.

Google frowned down at his screen. “He is functioning. P-primary Y/N protocol requires me to warn you: do-do-do not approach the other Googles until the update is c-complete.”

Before you could ask, Wilford was pulling you down the hall, saying something about a pool that you never saw before he changed course again, this time for the living room. He took you past an empty conference room and what looked to be a library, its door standing half-open, and somewhere on the stairs you had to wonder about how quiet it was here. Besides Google, you hadn’t seen any of the others until you looked out one of the hallway windows and spotted the King of the Squirrels addressing what looked to be the world’s most adorable army. The entire yard was flooded with squirrels, all alert and listening to whatever he was saying—that, or watching the peanut butter slowly drip off his face.

Wilford hummed to himself as he led you down the last of the stairs, only pausing in the main hall when one of the plants trembled, not quite hiding the pair of men behind it.

“Stay low, Jim,” one said to the other, who was holding a camera like it was a life preserver. “There could be anything in these halls. Be very—”

“Jim!” Wilford bellowed, causing both to jump. “You look like you’re on a story, and you didn’t invite me and Y/N along?”

“It’s breaking news, Wilford,” Jim said, clinging to the man as he peered over his shoulder to check the hallway before he added, “It’s demons, Jim!”

“Oh, now, we’ve had a talk about this,” Wilford said, sounding vaguely serious. “Dark said if you yelled that at him one more time—”

“No, not him!” Jim pulled Wilford closer to the wall, and the Jim holding the camera did the same to you, pointing the camera vaguely in the area of the other Jim’s crotch as he did so. “It’s the other ones, Jim, the laughing ones.”

Almost as if on cue, you heard the laughter coming from both ends of the hallway, multiple voices joining together in one toneless, joyless laugh. You shuddered as you recognized that laugh and knew what was coming.

They came from both directions. You recognized them by their clothes: the Host’s trench coat, hanging loose now; Dr. Iplier’s white lab coat over his scrubs; the yellow Google shirt; the Silver Shepherd’s silver costume and bizarrely huge gloves.

But their faces were all the same, twisted into terrible smiles that stretched too far and failed to reach their blank, unseeing eyes. Their movements were odd and jerking, like bad stop motion. Like puppets constantly being pushed into place.

“No one told me we were playing a game!” Wilford said. He watched the others come closer for a moment, that strange laugh coming from their unmoving mouths, and frowned. “Don’t think I like this one.”

The Host, or at least what looked like the Host, tilted his head at a 90-degree angle and stared at Wilford. His bandages had fallen away, leaving two holes that hurt to look at. “Hey now, why aren’t you smiling? All of us are having so much fun!”

The yellow Google approached Wilford from the other side. His glasses were broken and hanging by one side. “Here, we have a mask that will fit just right! And then you can look just like us!”

“What, and cover this gorgeous face?” Wilford scoffed at the idea. “I don’t think so!”

You cried out as Google lunged forward but Wilford just took a step back and without hesitation pulled out his gun. The Google lurched at the shot, but immediately grabbed Wilford by one suspender, pulling him closer to his shorting out face.

“Smile—”

Google stopped short when Wilford leaned forward and kissed him on the nose before shooting him, again, and again, and again.

You flinched at each shot, your hands failing to even muffle the sound as the Google staggered and fell backward. Wilford blew on the barrel of his gun and looked around at the others. “Well, who’s next?”

He gave a startled grunt when the Google grabbed his leg and pushed him backwards into the waiting arms of the Host. Despite the bullets through his chest in the same place where one completely knocked out the red Google the other day, this one was still moving, rising back into a standing position. Dr. Iplier grabbed Wilford’s face and you ran forward with a shout. Through ringing ears, you also heard a sound you had failed to make out until now: laughter, coming from behind you.

Jim dropped his camera to support Jim, who was doubled over laughing like it hurt. With each laugh his smile spread, his eyes losing their focus, and he said, “Just give in! It’s so much easier, isn’t it? More fun for everyone!”

And the other Jim started to chuckle as if he had just seen the joke until they were both laughing together, supporting each other when they couldn’t stop.

There was nothing you could do for them, and Wilford, you could see his gun waving, saw him pull the trigger out of reflex as the others piled onto him. The doctor staggered backward and the breath caught in your throat in a broken cry.

Dr. Iplier looked down at the wound and laughed, wheezing “hahahahas” with no change in pitch as he started to move toward Wilford again. Two more shots and Wilford freed himself from the Host and the doctor, both of whom acted as if the gunshots were little more than a nuisance before they began their stuttering, jolting walk.

“Come on,” he said, taking hold of your arm and pulling you along after him when you just stood there, frozen. With the way to the front door blocked, you went down the hall that had the least smilers blocking the way, bowling over the Silver Shepherd in the process. Wilford tried to take another turn, but you both stopped short when you found the red Google, Bim Trimmer, and Ed Edgar, or at least the laughing versions of them, taking on what looked to be the King of the Squirrels and hundreds of his squirrels.

“…Nope.” Wilford took off in the opposite direction, dragging you into the living room when you spotted the green Google about to come around the corner. He immediately started loading his gun, keeping an eye on the hall.

“Wilford, you can’t shoot them! Those are your friends, that was the Host and Dr. Iplier!”

“It takes more than a bullet to kill one of us, I assure you.”

You jumped and realized that the living room had more than one way in. Dark stood at the other door with blood on his hands and on one cheek, but you were even more surprised to see Mark was with him.

“Mark? What’s going on? Whose blood is that?”

“Not mine, thank you for your concern,” Dark said. “Oh, don’t give me that look, they’re still alive. As for what this is, I could ask you the same thing.”

“Me? How should I know?”

“You saw this coming!” Dark’s aura was spreading, the ringing at a fever pitch. “Tell me what you saw, now!”

“I-I don’t…” You had seen these things before, again and again in bits and pieces, but that didn’t mean you understood what was going on. “I don’t know what this is, just that it wants to spread, for everyone to ‘smile’ and ‘be more positive.’ It…I don’t know…”

Dark growled and Mark threw out an arm to stop him before he could get closer to you.

“The Host told us, they can see what’s coming with the right trigger,” Dark said, pushing Mark away without looking away from you. “You saw them when Mark and I touched you. Maybe you can see a way to stop whatever is doing this second-rate possession of the others.”

“I can’t control what I see,” you protested as Dark approached, but he wasn’t listening.

He grabbed your arm and you saw hollow eyes staring back at you, his body on the ground, you saw the mask and reached out to take it—

You were lying on the ground, barely aware of the ringing and the arguing anymore. You were just so tired. Why couldn’t they let you sleep?

“—have to try something!”

“You’re pushing too far, look at them!”

“Look at the others!”

“You said possession,” Mark said to Dark. “Is that what this is? Is it something like you?”

“There is nothing like me,” Dark said with a hint of pride. “But, yes, there are other entities out there who might take an interest in humans. Clearly this one is not as…benevolent as I am.”

Wilford fired off another round. “Well, we’re not going out that way. Who’s up for a run through the kitchen?”

Mark crouched beside you and asked, “Do you think you can get up?”

“Y-yeah…” It took an effort, almost more than you had, but you made it up. The room swayed for a moment before steadying. You just had to make it outside, and then…Then maybe between the four of you, you could figure something out, right?

They were waiting for you in the hall, blocking the other way and chasing you as you ran for the kitchen and the back door. Except, you realized once you entered the kitchen and all four of you stopped, they weren’t chasing you. They were herding you.

How many egos were there, in all? And they were all gone. The original Google sat partially dismantled in the corner, his wires showing as his head leaned powerless against the wall. The King of the Squirrels was lying at his feet, his eyes closed and his breathing sharp and shallow with no sign of his squirrels. The rest were all smiling. Some of them were still bleeding from Wilford’s shots, or from whatever Dark had done to them, but they stood stiffly around the room or sat in the chairs, all turned to watch you as you came in and to block any way out again.

And He stood there in the middle of it all, smiling.

He, it, looked like Mark at a glance. And then you saw that slasher smile that was anything but friendly and those eyes—or rather, two holes like you would see in an empty mask. It laughed at all of you, at the name Dark called it, at the bullet that hit it in the stomach but failed to even make it pause in its mockery of a laugh.

“Keep trying! It’s so funny, when you think you can stop me. Let me see! Let me see how angry you can get before you can’t help but smile.” It watched Dark come at it with a smile, heedless of how his aura tore into its skin as it caught his arm and turned it in a way no arm should bend. Over Dark’s scream it said, “That’s the way! Hey, why shouldn’t everyone join in on the fun? Everybody, these friends just don’t seem to smile like they should. Maybe you can fix that?”

It tossed Dark aside and immediately the intact Googles and the Host attacked him. Mark was cornered by Dr. Iplier and Bim Trimmer, while it took all of the others to surround Wilford, who kept firing until the last of his bullets were gone and tossed the gun away before going in swinging, trying to get to Dark.

Before you could even try to help any of them, the thing turned its mask toward you. You backed away as your eyes locked onto those two holes. You could feel it through those empty eyes, and suddenly it was like you were back in the void beyond the mirror. The cold seeped into your bones and you felt it, that thing stirring in the darkness, only now it was looking at you through that mask.

You couldn’t even see Dark anymore, and Mark was somewhere on the ground. Wilford was still fighting, but there were just too many of them and nothing seemed to stop them. They couldn’t feel anything, not anymore.

“You don’t seem happy.” A laugh, if you could call it that anymore. “Now why don’t you put your mask on?”

The second it grabbed you, there was nothing but pain and screaming. It wasn’t until it let go and backed away that you realized the screaming wasn’t just coming from you.

It was just like when you touched Anti, you realized.

And then you realized: this thing can feel pain.

Through fading vision you could make out the kitchen, the others being used like puppets, like toys. Wilford, you couldn’t see him anymore, and Mark…

It couldn’t get away fast enough and your fingers locked onto the mask’s empty eyes, holding on through all of the pain because you knew that every bit you felt it felt too.

You just didn’t know which one of you would break first, and when you heard the crack you weren’t sure if it came from it, or from you as you were thrown backward.

When you opened your eyes again, the mask was gone, and so was the kitchen, Mark, Dark, Wilford, everyone. You blinked again, taking in the familiar table and beyond that, the door and windows you knew so well. You turned your head the other way with an effort and from your place on the floor could just make out the cracked mirror hanging above you.

You were back at the house.

((End of Part 16. As always, thank you for reading! Just so you know, I came THIS close to calling this part “Demons, Jim.”

Link to Part 17: All That Mattered

Tagging:  @silver-owl413 @determinedrevolutionary @cherrybomb-jaguar @blackaquokat @catgirlwarrior @neverisadork @luna1350 @oh-so-creepy @oceanicfangirl @purpstraw ))

[marypsue]

Raising Stakes 20 / 24

Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine / Part Ten / Part Eleven / Part Twelve / Part Thirteen / Part Fourteen / Part Fifteen / Part Sixteen / Part Seventeen / Part Eighteen / Part Nineteen / Part Twenty / Part Twenty-One / Part Twenty-Two / Part Twenty-Three / Part Twenty-Four

Bit of a short chapter this time, but I had a specific place I wanted to end it, and I didn’t want to get ahead of myself. Next one will almost certainly be longer.

I’m also on AO3, as MaryPSue!

...

The truck bumped to a stop, and Stan let out the breath he’d been holding.

Customs had been a nightmare, trapped in the back of the truck for hours trying to keep the pugs quiet, and the drive into Mexico had been, if possible, worse. But now he was safely across the border, out of US jurisdiction and, hopefully, the reach of Thistle's cronies, and he'd charmed Rico into helping him out and forgetting the grudge he'd held. Not to mention that Mexico was hotter even than Santa Cruz, almost warm enough to make Stan forget about the chill that lived deep in his bones.

Yup. Finally, finally, everything was coming up Stan.

There was a clatter and a thump, voices rising in a language Stan recognised as rapid-fire Spanish, and then the double doors at the back of the truck swung wide, letting in a waft of warm night air. The smell was - well, it wasn't roses, but compared to being stuck in the back of a truck full of pugs for the last three days, it smelled damn near to heaven. Stan pushed himself to his feet, groaning at the protest from his stiff joints, and waded his way through the sea of overexcited puppies towards the open doors.

Three faces greeted him, one splitting into a broad, gleaming smile, the other two with heavy scowls that didn’t quite mask the glints of fear Stan caught in both pairs of eyes. A shiver started to walk its way up the back of Stan’s neck, incongruous with the hot evening air.

“Uh,” he said, trying to remember his rusty high school Spanish, wondering if there was anything he’d picked up on the streets of California that wasn’t rude or obscene. “Hi, fellas...?”

One of the scowlers muttered something to the other, and Stan caught the word ‘vampiro’.

Stan managed, at the last second, to keep his expression from shifting. How did they know? Had Rico told them? How would he have known?

A little too loud, to drown out his own rising sense that something here had gone seriously sideways, Stan started, “Uh, muchas gracias for meeting me, I guess, but I really gotta get moving -”

The smiler stepped closer, blocking the exit. Stan debated whether he could clear the guy’s head if he jumped, decided it probably wasn’t worth it to try.

“You’re not going anywhere, brujo,” the smiler said, between those perfectly white teeth. Stan stepped back, just as one of the scowlers stepped forward.

The last thing Stan saw was the inside of a burlap sack, before everything went dark.

...

If Stan had had any doubts about Bill - that he was real, that he was really what Ford had described him as - they would've dried up and blown away under the force of Bill's grin.

It wasn't Ford. There was no way anybody who knew Ford could mistake it for Ford. The only time Ford had ever come even close to smiling that wide in his whole entire life was probably when - actually, Stan didn't know, but he'd be willing to bet it had something to do with something sciencey. It looked painful.

“Stanley Pines! The traitor twin in the flesh!” Bill looked Stan up and down assessingly. The unimpressed look he shot at Stan made Ford’s face look, for an instant, too much like their father’s, before Bill’s too-wide smile overtook it again.

“Bill,” Stan ground out, the word curling into a growl at the end, slapping away the hand Bill had outstretched to shake. Bill’s smile grew, impossibly, even wider. “You’re the one who’s been hurting my brother.”

“Well hey there, look who’s the smart guy now!” Bill slung an arm around Stan’s shoulders and clapped him jovially on the back. It took everything Stan had in him not to recoil from the touch. “Pieced it all together, didja? Not that you could’ve done it without that book Ford gave you - I’m gonna need that back, by the way! Can’t get this party started without it!” He flashed that brilliant grin in Stan’s direction, coupling it with a big, insincere wink. His eyes glowed, faintly, Stan could see now, a dim, sickly yellow light projecting against the inside of Ford’s glasses.

“Get outta my brother’s body and then we’ll talk,” Stan said. He silently thanked whatever forces governed the universe that his voice didn’t quaver.

Bill threw Ford’s head back and laughed, long and loud and hard. Stan barely suppressed a flinch at the thought of what he was doing to Ford’s vocal cords. “Oh! Oh, wow, you really are something! Ol’ Fordsy here wasn’t kidding about you!”

“The hell’s that supposed to mean,” Stan said, short, pulling away from the arm Bill had thrown across his shoulders. He had a sinking feeling he already knew. “Look. I’m finished with this shit. I’m sick of getting the runaround, I’m sick of this fuckin’ weather, I’m sick of this fuckin’ town. I’m not playin’ your games. Get outta Ford’s body and tell me what you want.”

Bill surveyed him for a moment. Now that Stan’s eyes had had a chance to adjust to the near-complete darkness inside the shack, it was even easier to tell that whatever was animating Ford’s body wasn’t Ford. Bill held himself completely differently, shoulders squared, arms stiff, head cocked at an uncomfortable angle, the complete opposite of the hunched, secretive, nervous mess Ford had been the last two times Stan had been here. Just looking at him made Stan’s skin crawl. 

“I’ve been keeping an eye on you since you rolled into town,” Bill said, and Stan remembered, abruptly, the feeling of eyes on his back. “And I gotta say, I don’t believe a word of what Sixer here’s said about you ‘deliberately sabotaging’ his big project! You’re waaaaayyyyyyy too incompetent for that!”

“Yeah, thanks for that,” Stan said. “Real vote of confidence. What’d you do with Susan? What do you want from Ford?” He considered for a split second, before making up his mind. If this Bill guy had really been watching him since he’s first come to town, then all his cards were on the table anyway. Might as well work with what he’d got. “And can you take it from me instead?”

Bill’s smile returned, wide and unsettling. His steady, unblinking gaze (and no wonder Ford’s eyes had been so red, if Bill had been forcing him to hold them open like this) stared straight through Stan like his entire life story was printed on the back of his jacket and Bill was reading it through Stan’s chest.

“Depends!” he said, suddenly, and Stan was slightly too slow to fight down the urge to jump. “What've you got that I’d want?”

Stan examined his fingernails, trying to swallow the bile burning at the back of his throat, the press of his fangs against his jaw. If Bill knew how desperate he was - though, if Bill had been watching him, that ship had probably already sailed.

“That depends on what you want,” he said, trying to sound cool, like his heart wouldn’t be hammering his way out of his chest if it still beat. “But - and stop me if you’ve heard this one before - it looks like you need a body.”

He watched Bill’s - Ford’s - Bord’s? - eyes carefully. It might’ve been his imagination, but he thought he caught a flicker of interest.

“Why would I need a body?” Bill said, but there was something in his voice that wasn’t there before, and he’d started to look Stan up and down assessingly. “Got a perfectly good one right here!”

“Oh, sure,” Stan said. “If you like weedy nerds. An’ I’m pretty sure he’s so sleep deprived I could spit in his direction and knock ‘im over. Not exactly a specimen of physical perfection.”

Bill raised one of Ford’s eyebrows. “Wow, don’t let Fordsy hear you saying that!” 

“Why not? He’s not gonna deny it,” Stan said. He could feel himself starting to slide back into his old patter, the familiar (but not too familiar), friendly tone that set people at their ease, made them want to like him and trust him and listen to more of what he had to say. It wasn’t exactly the supernatural charm that’d gotten him into at least as many sticky situations as it’d gotten him out of, but it was almost definitely a cousin. It’d seen him through so many infomercials. And it must’ve worked, because somehow he’d always at least broken even. “Look, look at yourself. This body you’re inhabiting? It’s a wreck. Ford never took all that great care of it even before you came along, and now that you’ve turned him into a paranoid husk of a man, I think he’s forgotten that human beings need sleep and food to live!”

He made a show of sucking in a deep breath, and then pinched his nose, screwing up his face in disgust. It wasn’t exactly an act. “Ugh! Smell that? That’s the smell of a flesh vessel that’s made personal care its last priority! And just look at this!” 

Stan reached out and grabbed Ford’s wrist, pushing up the sleeve despite the warning glare Bill gave him and the way Ford’s whole body went tense. It was a gamble, but one that paid off when Ford’s shirtsleeve caught on a ladder of barely-scabbed-over cuts and shiny burn marks, climbing the inside of his arm. His nose had been right. Stan barely managed to swallow back bile, to cling to his showman’s patter, his mouth motoring away while his brain just stared in horror. “Disgraceful! Just look at that! This human body takes a little collateral damage and it’s out of commission for weeks, maybe even months! It takes an embarrassingly long time to heal from even the most minor of abrasions, and you have to be so careful not to break it!”

Bill’s smile stayed eerily wide and fixed, but he tilted Ford’s head to one side, like he was thinking about what Stan was saying. Stan reached out, hesitating for only a fraction of a second before laying a hand on Ford’s shoulder. 

“D’you see this hole in my jacket?” he asked, his mouth going dry even as he forced the words out. He’d made big pitches before, ones with a lot riding on them, but this was going to be the biggest damn sale of his worthless unlife. Either he sold this, or Ford was worse than dead.

Better fucking sell it, then.

“This hole,” Stan said, sticking his fingers into the hole and wiggling them around, “goes all the way through. Because it got there when somebody staked me in the ribs last night.” He gave an extra little wiggle of his fingers, for effect. “Went right through me. And see?” 

He unzipped his jacket, pulling up his shirt to reveal the knot of silvery scar tissue where the stake hole had been. “Not a scratch!” 

Bill tilted Ford’s head forward, that too-wide smile growing even more menacing. “Is that so.”

Stan blinked, steeling himself, and then reached out and grabbed Ford’s wrist, pressing the hand against his abdomen right over the pucker of scar tissue. He gave himself a mental point for the look of confused irritation on Bill’s face. “Oh yeah. Just stick some fresh blood in its face, and boom! Good as new! Like there was never a hole in the first place!”

Bill opened Ford’s mouth like he was getting ready to say something else unnecessarily vague and creepy, but Stan didn’t give him the chance. “And that’s not all this baby can do! Ever been frustrated with a human body’s top speed? You don’t have to answer that one, I can tell by the look on your face that you have. And how about their night vision, huh? I’m just kidding, we both know they don’t have any!”

Stan managed to force down the sick feeling that tried to crawl up the back of his throat as he slung an arm companionably around Ford’s shoulders, pulling Bill and his creepy eyes in close like they were old pals. “Look at that - oh ew, his eye’s started bleeding. That’s just - well, that’s just what I’m talking about, huh? He's not even injured! It’s just leaking blood! Now - now that’s what I call shoddy craftsmanship.”

Bill’s smile had turned thoughtful, and he stared at Stan with those bleeding, glowing eyes like he was liking what he was seeing. Stan didn’t let himself relax. He’d seen that look on the faces of enough people who were smiling in anticipation of beating the shit out of him.

“Look,” Stan said, giving Bill’s shoulder - Ford’s shoulder - a friendly squeeze, despite how it made his skin crawl. “Guy like you, you’re goin’ places, you got big plans -”

“You can’t even begin to imagine how big!” Bill interrupts. “Your pitiful, puny meatbrain couldn’t process it!”

“Great,” Stan said, trying his absolute hardest not to give Bill the blank stare he really felt like giving him right about now. “Sure. Whatever. What I’m sayin’ is, human bodies - Ford’s body - was all right for starters. But a guy like you? A real mover and shaker?”

Finally, finally, Stan gave in to the itch in his gums, fangs dropping to cover his showman’s smile as he said, “You’re gonna wanna upgrade.”

Bill looked at Stan with that smile frozen on his face for a long moment. Stan didn’t breathe, didn’t trust himself to so much as twitch with Bill’s gaze on him. 

Then Bill threw Ford’s head back and laughed, long and hard.

Stan waited until Bill doubled over, his laughter turning into silent wheezing, before asking, “So...that a yes, or...?”

That set Bill off all over again. Stan folded his arms over his chest and leaned against the door frame for half a second, before self-consciously zipping his jacket closed again. It was almost as cold - if not colder - in Ford’s house than it had been outside. Didn’t the guy have heat? He was still alive, he could still freeze to death -

“Oh!” Bill gasped, at last, straightening up. “Oh, this is better than anything I could’ve expected! All this time I was trying to get rid of you, and it was this easy all along?” He thrust out one of Ford’s hands, so fast that Stan flinched back before realising that Bill was offering it to him to shake. “Sure, I’ll take your body!”

“And leave Ford alone,” Stan pressed, and Bill rolled Ford’s eyes. The blood starting to crust around his right eye bubbled, a fresh trickle creeping down Ford’s cheek.

Stan swallowed, and forced his gaze away.

Bill tilted Ford’s head expectantly, giving Ford’s hand a little waggle in case Stan had forgotten it was there. “Hey, this is a limited time offer!”

“Yeah, yeah. You’ll get outta Ford’s body and leave him alone?” Stan insisted.

Bill’s smile dropped like an anvil on the head of an unsuspecting coyote.

“Well, I can’t exactly be in two bodies at once!” he chirped, though his morbid cheer suddenly seemed forced.

Stan considered for a moment. Like a rock to gravity, his gaze was tugged  down to Bill’s outstretched hand. Six familiar fingers, trembling slightly with either excitement or malnutrition and exhaustion, met his gaze, and he had to shut his eyes. What the hell was he thinking? What the hell was he doing?

Then again, what other choice did he have?

“Sure,” Stan sighed, reaching out and grabbing his brother’s hand, maybe a little too tight. “Let’s do this.”

Bill’s smile returned, scribbling itself over Ford’s face like a markered-in devil horns and goatee on a glossy photograph. “Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride! This won’t hurt you a bit!” he said, his voice gaining a strange echo. Stan realised, a moment too late, that the smile really was over Ford’s face, hanging just a little too far forward in the air. 

And it wasn’t a smile. It was a single, laughing, unblinking, eye.

Stan just had time to ask himself, again, what the hell he thought he was doing, before the hand in his erupted in blue fire and he was yanked unceremoniously out of himself.

[the-desolated-quill]

The Beast Below - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Remember those awful social satire episodes RTD used to write during his tenure? Episodes like The Long Game and Bad Wolf with social commentaries so obvious it feels like being hit on the head with a two ton anvil wearing concrete slippers and carrying an anchor? Thank God we don’t have to put up with those now Moffat is in charge, right?

...

Oh.

The Doctor and Amy arrive on Starship UK in the 29th century where solar flares have roasted the Earth and now the human race is searching the stars for a new place to live. But something is not quite right. How can Starship UK be flying without an engine? What monstrous creature dwells at the bottom of the ship? Who is the hooded woman in the mask? What’s the deal with those Smilers? What exactly happens inside the voting booths? And why the fuck should I give a shit about any of this?

In case you missed the oh so subtle political allegory that Moffat has cobbled together here, The Beast Below is supposed to be a satirical jab at the UK’s electoral system by way of The Matrix. No seriously. The whole Forget and Protest stuff is a direct ripoff of the red pill/blue pill scene from The Matrix (and it wasn’t very good then). The problem Moffat runs into is the same one RTD continuously ran into whenever he tried these types of episodes. Too much focus is given to the glaringly obvious satire and not enough goes toward actually developing the setting, giving us a reason to care about the characters within that setting, or explaining how the mechanics of this world actually works. If anyone who presses the Protest button just gets fed to ‘the Beast,’ why bother giving them a choice at all? Why not just erase their memories and let them live their lives in blissful ignorance? And why do the voting booths let you record messages to yourself? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of forgetting?

Then there’s the Smilers. Immensely creepy at first, but... what’s the point? Things briefly get exciting when they suddenly get out of the booths, but they don’t actually do anything other than shamble very slowly toward the protagonists. What threat do they actually pose? What's their purpose in this society other than to admonish small children? Same goes for the guys in the hooded cloaks. The reveal that they’re in fact half Smiler, half human was nicely executed, but again... what’s the point?

But my biggest question mark is on Liz 10, aka Queen Elizabeth X. I loved Sophie Okonedo in the role. She possesses a lot of natural authority and charisma, and I really like that in the future we have a black, Cockney monarch.

Liz 10: “I’m the bloody Queen mate. Basically i rule.”

Unfortunately Okonedo is let down by Moffat’s writing. What do we actually learn about Liz 10? She cares about her country? Okay. Not exactly a startling revelation, is it? The problem is, as I’ve said numerous times in the past, Moffat can’t seem to write women. It’s as if the only way he knows how to write a ‘strong independent woman’ is to make her a sassy, gun toting badass. Not that there’s anything wrong with women being sassy, gun toting badasses of course, but it does get a bit boring after the 25th time you’ve seen it, plus there’s more to being a sassy, gun toting badass than just being sassy, gun toting and... badassy? (Is that a word?) How about an actual backstory? Some light and shade. Offer us something that’s more emotionally complex and thus more captivating to watch. As much as I enjoyed Okonedo’s performance, her character is incredibly one dimensional.

And I haven’t even mentioned how she factors into the plot. It’s revealed that she’s actually over 300 years old and that her body clock has been slowed down so that she looks nearer 40. Why? What’s the point? Why keep her alive for so long? She’s investigating the possibility that the government is conspiring against her, but the only reason she knows is because the government itself keeps dropping little hints every 10 years. What for? And then she’s given the choice to either Forget or Abdicate, which brings me to the same question I had with the voting booths. Why give her a choice in the first place? You’ve already got the Star Whale chained up and flying your ship. It’s a bit late to start having second thoughts.

Ah yes. The Star Whale.

Now I’m not going to comment on the idea of an alien whale living in the vacuum of space because it’s Doctor Who. If I were to comment on all the scientific inaccuracies in this show, we’d be here all day. I will however comment on the wasted potential here. There’s a tricky little moral dilemma taking place in this episode. The last Star Whale has been chained up and tortured for hundreds of years. That’s horrible obviously, but it’s either that or letting everyone in the UK die. Whose life is more important? The last Star Whale in existence or millions of humans? It’s a good ethical conundrum. Pity they don’t bother to explore it. Nope. The Doctor just marches in and says the humans are more important. Wait, hold on a minute! Let’s not be too hasty! Obviously nobody wants to kill millions of humans, but it’s not like Starship UK houses the only humans left in existence. There are other starships out there somewhere. There’s only one Star Whale left, but there’s still billions of us. Is it really worth making a species extinct to save one spaceship? RTD kept running into similar problems during his tenure too. There’s the potential to have an interesting moral debate, but it’s abruptly cut short because the Doctor is the so called ultimate authority and what he says goes.

And then of course Moffat proceeds to let all the air out of the debate entirely when it’s revealed that the Star Whale wasn’t captured against its will at all. It volunteered to help because it couldn’t stand to watch children crying (from space. It can see children crying from space). So it turns out the humans were the bad guys all along and it was never that morally complex to begin with. Thank God. For a moment there, I thought things were going to get interesting. (On a side note, I’m surprised the Star Whale is still willing to keep flying Starship UK after all the torture it endured for centuries. if it was me I’d have fucked off. Also is everyone just going to ignore the fact that the government has been feeding people to it? Under Liz 10′s orders I might add. Don’t forget this was all her idea before she pressed the Forget button).

Which brings me to the final climax. While it’s nice to see Amy put the pieces together by herself and work out what to do, couldn’t we have done it in a way that doesn’t involve reducing the Doctor to a complete blithering idiot? How come he didn’t notice? It’s not as if the children crying reveal was some obscure thing. That guy said to his face that the Star Whale doesn’t eat children. How come the Doctor didn’t put two and two together. And don’t get me started on his bloody solution. Having decided the humans are more important just because, he then decides the best course of action is to fry the poor whale’s brains out and make it a vegetable so that it won’t feel the pain of its torture. Well first of all, people in vegetative states can actually feel pain, and second of all, this sounds like quite possibly the most unDoctorly solution I’ve ever heard. Moffat, what were you thinking?

And then things just went from bad to worse when Amy starts making painfully obvious comparisons between the Doctor and the Star Whale. They’re both old and the last of their species. All that pain and misery and loneliness and it just made them kind. Add Murray Gold’s overly whimsical soundtrack over the top and I was practically on my knees begging them to stop.

Somewhere buried in this compost heap of pointless satire and underdeveloped concepts lies the seed of a good idea. Unfortunately Moffat just doesn’t have the skill to nurture and develop it. Outside of Matt Smith, Karen Gillan and Sophie Okonedo’s performances, there’s not much to like about The Beast Below. 

I vote to Forget.

[sevenluckysevens]

RULES:  List five tropes applicable to your character, then tag others to do the same.(Tropes Wiki)  

REPOST! DO NOT REBLOG.

Tagged by: @samurai-esquire Tagging: uhh idk who’s been tagged already. @revcnite, @amightyfinebartender, @pepper-green, @voxcordis, @hiddenweaponuserkun

Affably Evil: There are villains who are Affably Evil. There is absolutely nothing separating them from being normal, polite people except for the fact that they want to Take Over the World or use human souls to power their Artifact of Doom. They're not the Stepford Smiler or the Bitch in Sheep's Clothing— their affability is a genuine part of their personality, not a mask. If they have underlings, expect them to be a Benevolent Boss. In one way, they're the opposite of an Anti-Hero. They may Pet the Dog on occasion, but won't hesitate to kick it with steel-toed boots the next second if it helps them accomplish their Evil Plan. They may well be a Villain with Good Publicity because, after all, being evil doesn't mean you have to be anti-social. If this trope gets exaggerated, this villain will invite the hero out to tea, offer them a favorite dish, talk friendly, try to appeal to the hero's better nature, and convince the heroes that the villain's plan isn't worth getting involved in or is even worth joining.

He Who Fights Monsters: Usually, not quite a villain, but they act antagonistically enough that they're little better. Something has happened to our Fallen Hero: his village was destroyed, his friends killed, his puppy roasted on an open spit, his bike stolen, whatever. All that matters is that It's Personal, and he feels that the law just isn't suitable enough (or has become too corrupt and ignorant) to be of any use to him in settling the matter. He may justify his actions by claiming that it's Justice he's after, not vengeance, but anyone with half a brain can easily see that he's out for revenge... unfortunately, we can also see that the more he hunts the cause of his woes, the more he takes on the villain's personality and mannerisms—something that our "hero" is too blinded by his single-minded goal to realize. (Side note: I feel like this trope is WAY OVERUSED and it irritates me to even try to apply it, but also, I feel like Gant.... like....... committs an impulsive murder to catch a criminal and then committed a murder to cover up that murder which is like.......... the entire story that we are given for Joe Darke’s actions.............. and no one in canon says “he who fights monsters Blah Blah Blah” and no one in canon compares him to Joe Darke, which, I think, is what makes this work. because it’s. It’s LITERALLY what happened.)

Large Ham: A ridiculously larger-than-life character, public speaker, or orator full of charisma, energy, joie de vivre, and poetically powerful speeches with dramatic gestures that can devastate a scene to a billion pieces and transform even the most humdrum scene into the most GRANDIOSE. Often played by a guest star with an Internet Movie Database listing longer than the rest of the cast put together. They usually lack an indoor voice, and greatly relish badass boastings where they will punctuate and emphasize EVERYTHING. The first line from the Large Ham will be dramatic, portentous, often just before the act break and can almost always be replaced with: "Did somebody order A LARGE HAM?!" Try it at home; it's great fun.

Opportunistic Bastard: The Opportunistic Bastard doesn't have a plan, or at least not a clearly outlined one. He may have a vague goal that he's working towards, but when it comes to getting there, he's winging it. Other times the Opportunistic Bastard doesn't even have that going for him, and just latches onto other people's schemes in the name of making as much short term profit as he can. As the name suggests, characters like this excel at grabbing onto the opportunities that others present. Unlike The Chessmaster, who often fails when things don't go according to plan, the Opportunistic Bastard typically rolls well with unexpected results, exploiting every new circumstance to his own advantage. Where they tend to suffer is in the long term—a good opportunist can keep his head above water on any given day, but is ultimately going to crash and burn because they lack the vision to stay in it for the long haul. A particularly capable Opportunistic Bastard might actually be able to give the impression of being a Chessmaster, due to their ability to adapt to new situations, but even then, they are liable to paint themselves into a corner due to their lack of forethought. Opportunists of this type are usually motivated only by their own self-interest. (Side note: Literally fight me, whoever put Damon Gant down as The Chessmaster in TV Tropes’s character page.)

Meaningful Name: (You all know what a meaningful name is so I’m just going to bring in this paragraph from the TV Tropes page for him, because his name is fucking badass.) Damon is probably a pun on demon. The first kanji of "Kaiji" is "sea" (he brings up swimming a lot), and his name as a whole might allude to a Chinese proverb: "You can pick on the mountains, but don't pick on the sea [because the sea is merciless]". "Gant" (and "Ganto") come from the French word for glove, which he is always seen wearing. Marshall states during his testimony that the murderer wore gloves.

[vacationsoup]

New Post has been published on https://vacationsoup.com/the-alton-towers-story/

The Alton Towers Story - The Power of the Towers

Miles away from the coast, but sure to satiate your roller-coaster desires – it’s time to find out ‘the power of the towers’…

Alton Towers – the place where dreams are made of (well, a place where fun times are had, anyway) and, being located in the middle of nowhere, this really is the go-to destination for anybody travelling through Staffordshire. Check out these hacks of what to do and what not to do to make the most of your visit, whenever you may go.

From Flowers to Towers

If you don’t know anything about the history of one of the most famous theme parks in the world, here’s definitely a good place to start.

A fort / castle establishment has been at the heart of the Alton Estate for hundreds of years. In fact, an iron age fort was built there and in 700AD, a fortress replaced this by a Saxon king. In the twelfth century, the large manorial estate (in which Alton Towers is located) was given to a knight – Bertram II de Verdun – for his work in the Crusades. However, the current estate as it is known today was created in the first decade of the nineteenth century by the fifteenth Earl of Shrewsbury, where the buildings and the farmland around the stately home were turned into one of the largest formal gardens in Britain. After many more years of different people inheriting the land, the eighteenth Earl of Shrewsbury acquired the Alton Towers estate in 1859 – and this is the point in time which became the major turning point for the future of this Staffordshire landmark.

Believe it or not, but Alton Towers opened as a country estate nearly 180 years ago, in April 1860. The Earl celebrated his acquisition of the Alton Towers estate by holding a procession through Staffordshire, attracting some 40,000 people to the grounds.

Following the success of the eighteenth Earl, the successive earls consequently monetised how popular and how much of an attraction this place actually was. Opened for raising money to refurbish the house in the first instance, a tradition arose and it became obvious that the public were just as enthusiastic to take a visit to the estate as the first instance. In fact, the twentieth Earl instigated the tradition of bringing summer fetes to the Staffordshire Moorlands. Not just with the attraction of the gardens being open to take in, but fireworks, balloons and several exhibitions ensured that the future of the estate was secured for many years to come.

However, in the closing years of the nineteenth century, the separation of the Earl and the Countess slowly but surely put the future of the whole estate in danger until 1924, when it was brought into public ownership. It wasn’t until the 1960s that Alton Towers showed even a tiny glimpse of what it is today, with the inclusion of a few little attractions, such as a boating lake, a chairlift and a small fair. However, when the Tussauds Group purchased the site in 1980, this foreshadowed the many decades of development and the scope for what was to come to ensure the continuity of this site through the major development of roller-coaster rides; notably installing the famous Corkscrew that year.

Alton Towers was requisitioned as an officer cadet training camp. The house and grounds remained under the control of the war office until 1951.

Don’t Halt in Alton!

If you’re one of the millions (yes, really) of people who have visited Alton Towers over the years, you’ll have probably experienced the feeling of nervousness and excitement as you drive through the little, hard-to-navigate streets of the namesake’s chocolate-box village. The only thing I would advise you to do is to keep on driving. You see the name, ‘Alton Towers’ is actually quite misleading, as the actual grounds are located in an even smaller place called Farley. It’s like the Glastonbury of theme parks!

But once you do arrive into the grounds, that is just the start of your experience. Whether you park as close as humanly possible to the main entrance, or you drive just a little further afield and catch the monorail, the scenery and the staff all make your time at Alton Towers that much more magical – it’s like you’ve been transported into a completely different world.

Alton Towers is Europe’s joint-12th most visited theme park in Europe, with attendance breaking the 2,000,000 annual visitor mark in 2017 

Make the Most of Your Stay!

Ensuring that you have the best time, the Alton Towers Resort is fantastic at providing things for everybody to do. So much so that this overview of the theme park does very little justice to what you can actually get out of being there – so my first tip is that you really don’t know the magic of Alton Towers until you visit Alton Towers. Along with their world-famous roller-coasters (which people literally travel across the world to visit), visitors are encouraged to have a leisurely stroll through the centuries-old Gardens,

along with taking the Skyride to really get a different perspective on what stood (and still stands) in this now-changed country estate. Not only this, but Merlin also provides a plethora of arcade games dotted around each attraction to keep literally everybody occupied for the day (or even longer…) Saying this, I really would recommend that, if you were staying for more than one day, you purchase the Alton Towers season pass – for a little more extra than the price of an ordinary ticket, it pays itself off in only a couple of visits; so definitely do your research and do your planning before paying.

Make sure to visit https://www.altontowers.com/tickets/ and also make sure to visit the well-known voucher code websites to really get the best deal

As with a lot of the major attractions which Merlin has, the amount of roller-coasters and things to do is physically staggering. So much so, that a lot of the coasters are split into different ‘sectors’ – including CBeebies Land (for smaller children), Mutiny Bay (for great family fun), the Dark Forest (for everybody wanting to take a delve into the unknown of roller-coaster rides) and the X Sector (for the true thrill seekers). This can mean that different areas of the park are busier at different times, and this can be super annoying for people waiting in the queue, because it can mean that you are spending much more time queuing rather than getting to the next ride to quench your thrill-seeking thirst. So, firstly, I would always pick a day during the week to visit the park where possible. As a general rule, the areas furthest away from the entrance are the best places to visit first. Not only would this get some of the Big 6 coasters ticked off the list first, but, it would also mean that the queue times are shorter, because not many people really feel like walking their legs off at the beginning of the day to get to the far corners of the park. Aside from this, it must be said that lunchtime is always a good time to go on any of the big rollercoasters – because not many people really have the desire to jump on the front of The Smiler just after wolfing down a hugely tasty (but a little pricey) spicy chicken burger and chips! And remember – always check to see when the ride close time is; this is the time when the entrances to each of the roller-coaster rides shut, so make sure to jump in the queue before then. 

If you are peckish, there are so many great places to eat in and around the park, but it can be equally nice to take your own food, giving you the freedom to eat it wherever your heart desires. This might be a good idea too, because it means then you can really treat yourself during the day to a pack of moreish doughnuts from Mutiny Bay instead of splashing all your cash on the savoury stuff at midday. Nitrogenie, located outside Duel, is a particular favourite too for snacks on a hot summer’s day, with ice cream made directly in front of you. Made with a splash of magic (also known as liquid nitrogen), the whole experience of watching your food being made is hugely satisfying – and this is certainly no exaggeration.  However, if you don’t take your own food, Pizza and Pasta restaurant is the destination to go to – with an all-you-can-eat buffet selection. The downside to this is, you could literally spend all of your time at Alton Towers solely eating – so definitely approach with caution on that one! Feeling a little more flush or going for a special event? The Roller-coaster Restaurant is amazing; it is fantastic for families too, but err on the ride of caution with this one – there is no movement or indeed human interaction involved as you order all of your food with a tablet at your table and you pay for it all at the very end. Terrifically typical of Alton Towers, the magic of the park even flows into the theming of the food – which is really tasty, by the way.

Apart from the main attractions, there are other things you can do there, but this is all at a cost. For example, you can while away the hours at the Spa,or you can even visit the on-site waterpark, Splash Landings, but both can get hugely busy during the peak periods, so you really do need to make a day of going to those places too. Splash Landings is the place for everybody, and, when it’s not full, you really can let your hair down (or not) and just let go of the flow of life for a few hours! When it is busy, though, it sometimes doesn’t feel like you really get the full value of your time there, so it is probably best to plan ahead before you go, just like with the theme park, if you can.

Queue Times: The Inside Track

When I say ‘a completely different world’, I really do mean it – once you make it into the theme park itself, it really does place you in a very strange place, where the reality of the outside world might as well not just exist. One of the reasons behind this is the fact that physical time within Alton Towers times is completely different to how you’d experience time during (to quote one of the most famous rides at the theme park, ‘The Smiler’) your ordinary, mundane lives. So, because of this, be sure to always make a plan of action before you step foot into the park – this will ensure you get the best out of these few precious hours where fun is the one and only thing on the agenda!

Visit http://ridetimes.co.uk/ to get the queue times.

Depending on the time of year you visit, what you can physically do within the confines of a single day can vary hugely.

Thinking of going at the start of the season (March/April)? Yes, the queue times might be quiet, but the likelihood is that you’ll be quite chilly when walking between the rides and between finding things to do. I’d recommend to go during this time if you’re a true adrenaline junkie, but beware of horrible weather and this might cause some rides to close in adverse conditions.

Thinking of going before the summer holidays (April-June)? In my humble opinion, this is the best time to go. Okay, the weather might not be as good as during the peak summer season, but, the likelihood is that you’ll be met with sun and not showers. Apart from the seemingly endless bank holidays, these months create the fine balance between having a good time and being able to really quench your thirst for adrenaline.

Thinking of going during the summer period (July-September)? The holiday season only means one thing; FUN! The height of the British summertime brings along with it something not seen at any other time of the year for all of the fun and thrill seekers among us – it brings the chance to stay outside for longer and, for the kids, to stay up for longer! This is definitely the time to go if you are up for even more time to thrill seek on your day out. Usually, the ride close times are much later than at any other point in the season, but the flip-side to this is the hideously long queue times. Of course, it all depends on the day – you can never be too sure.

Thinking of going during the festive period (October-November)? A little like the summertime, this brings a whole different kettle of fish to the forefront – the Scarefest spook-tacular, during which The Laurels is dressed up and Fireworks extravaganza. Especially during Scarefest, the ride times are even later, with rides closing at 9pm (yes, really) but again, this means that the crowds can be heaving during the busier periods– so be prepared to walk (or stand) your legs off if you take the plunge and decide to visit during the period that Alton Towers is most famous for.

Let’s Just Go!

If you are a thrill-seeker, a fun fanatic, or just fancy going somewhere for a day out in the middle of the Staffordshire countryside (and who wouldn’t want that?!), you need to put Alton Towers on your list of places to visit. If you’re from the UK, or even further afield, you have probably heard of Alton Towers – especially as Merlin seem to have taken over the world with its theme parks, located at various locations in the UK, Europe, North America and Asia.

Yes, a trip to the Towers can be an expensive way to while away a few hours of the day, but there are so many different things you can do to make the most of your time there. You don’t have to be a Merlin employee to really make the money stretch further when you get there. One of the main ways which people save money is (I’m going all Martin Lewis here) by using popular online voucher code websites, where Alton Towers regularly offer huge discounts. Additionally, stay at The Laurels B&B is a fraction of the price of what Alton Towers charge per night – so if you don’t mind a little bit of travelling if you are staying in the area for more than an afternoon, it really does pay to do your research. The same goes with food; with so much to choose from in and around Alton itself, if you don’t mind what to eat, your taste buds might thank you – yes, the food at Alton Towers is nice, but healthy? Let’s just say, there is only so much fried food you can take as well as having the stomach to be able to not turn green on the most exhilarating roller-coasters!

So, if you plan your day right, if you know the best days to visit and if you come to the park with a good pair of walking shoes (trust me – you will need them) you’ll have a whale of a time. You’ll leave this incredible attraction smiling with your wallet not being drained into oblivion and your head not spinball whizzing with confusion!

Travel Tip created by Phil & Helen in association with Vacation Soup