#what being raised catholic does to a mf

[maezoree]

for the sake of his sorrowful passion have mercy on us and on the whole world

[deanmarywinchester]

wait it wasn’t even Romney it was paul ryan. until five minutes ago I forgot paul ryan even existed and I doubt if I knew much more about him then. what tha hell was I doing.

well whatever. I was too young and not fully formed in my political opinions (<- guy who voted for Romney at age 17 in the 2016 primaries because they were raised by anti-trump republicans voice) to participate in the last trump-induced surge in organizing but im excited to this time. my mutual aid group is already bracing to onboard a surge of normie democrats (and so is my gf’s pro-palestine org) and im helping us put together a mutual aid disaster response plan. and as soon as I have any fucking time when I’m through this semester ill get back on my community land trust organizing bc if nycha has no hope of federal funding that’s more important than ever

[catboymoments]

I keep forgetting ur christian and get caught off gaurd when u say smth about god, /not neg

What being raised Catholic does to a mf (I like to joke about Jesus being my oomfie)

[sepublic]

Christianity for Dana Terrace and TOH

I have to wonder about and consider The Owl House as an expression of Dana Terrace's own nuanced relationship with Christianity. We know she was raised in a Catholic school, and we've heard of the out-of-context incident where she got put into a headlock by a nun as a child (idk if context even matters in this scenario);

Plus, there's the show's obvious critiques of Christianity, via Belos' fanaticism and demonization of witches, plus his superiority complex and belief in predestination. And then we have Tarak bonding with King as a potential father figure, even being mistaken for his dad, only to sacrifice him anyway for the Grand Huntsman despite whatever hesitations he has; This story beat echoes the tale of Abraham and Isaac. The Emperor’s Coven/Cult is clearly Catholic.

But at the same time, we have Steve's reminiscing over the Titan as perhaps just some dude who doesn't know what he wants, either; And he's saying this as a former member of the Emperor's Coven, which itself applied a very Christian understanding of the Titan via Belos. We have Luz meeting the Titan in-person, and seeing that he's not some deity but just a person who meant well and tried his best.

The show emphasizes people being able to improve and get better and needing that chance, plus what I've said about Luz possibly being meant to represent a more positive, accurate portrayal of Jesus Christ; She dies and is resurrected with the power of the Titan, who isn't quite God but maybe she is in a meta sense? It's complicated.

So to psychoanalyze a real life person through their art (which I guess is what single author classes does to a mf), I have to consider that it's not as simple as Dana condemning Christianity as a whole; More than likely, a specific brand of Christianity, namely Evangelicalism, Catholicism, etc. We have to remember that what we often criticize as Christianity is more so a specific denomination, or group of; Christianity is a widespread religion comprised of countless different takes and interpretations of the Bible.

And IIRC (a source would be helpful), I think Dana even clarified that her experience with Catholic school wasn't wholly negative either? She did not consider herself abused, or at least abused abused. Her feelings might be mixed, especially because one doesn’t need to personally experience the worst to know about it; That is another way in which one might become critical.

I don't think Dana is outright resentful of Christianity as a whole, she might just have complicated feelings, criticisms, and thoughts; Tbf, this is how many denominations came to being. So when I see Steve reflecting on the Titan, and Luz getting to meet him... I think these scenes are, in a way, Dana making peace with the idea of God in her life; Getting to consider her relationship with and belief (or lack thereof) in him, and his paternal status to the world as a whole.

She's also recognizing his fallibility, God is a person and like any person his insight and support is illuminating, but not all-encompassing; It's not doctrine, it's just advice, from one person to another. So when the Titan reassures Luz, or Dana, he's not saying she's the specialest chosen one in the world; He's just someone with a lot of experience who can provide some guidance and clarification on life, not unlike Eda.

The Titan saying goodbye to Luz feels like Dana being able to part on -ultimately- good terms after resolving that major anxiety in her life, on a final note that is no longer resentful and more a fond memory overall. It’s her moving to the next stage of her life, as Luz herself does, now able to carry and believe in herself, and not need that same guidance to figure out what to do.

It’s a coming of age moment appreciating what was given by a paternal figure, with Dana now comfortable exploring other beliefs and practices after making her farewell with Christianity by realizing it isn’t absolute, yet still treasuring what it was able to give her. So she carries on what she can, at least in spirit, like… Luz and the glyphs, remembering them, and now having her own palisman to continue her love of magic that the Titan helped support. So we have both the narrative meaning to Luz behind all of this, and the real-life significance for Dana herself, which aren’t quite the same but there is overlap. And there’s also the other meaning for Dana in how the Titan represents her father, which we’ve already discussed.

So The Owl House and the storyline of the Titan could be Dana's own nuanced takeaway from Christianity; Her exploring how she feels about it, what she appreciates, what she doesn't, how it fits into the rest of her worldview. And I don’t think Dana is trying to convert anyone, nor condemn those who feel irreverent. I think she’s more about deconstructing Christianity to reconstruct it.

Be Gay, Do Witchcraft of course, I think there is a catharsis in exploring that. And also, because the sentiment behind that phrase might be less about Christianity being inherently evil, and more so that many queers don’t care what evangelicals think of them anymore; So sure, we’ll humor your fears for fun, we ARE the demons we’re accused of being. It’s like Eda saying “Well we ain’t!” in response to Belos’ claim that humans are inherently better. Plus demonized belief systems that aren’t Christianity deserve validity as well, hence the pagan influences being portrayed positively, with the narrative questioning the dismissal of certain ideas being ‘demonic’ or ‘savage’.

And of course, co-existence IS possible. And I find this important because it can be easy to just dismiss religion entirely in an edgy internet atheist type of way, but in the end one must reconcile that religion means a lot for a lot of people, many whom ARE chill and willing to co-exist; The narrative presents the spirituality of the Boiling Isles as something precious, for example. All belief systems are valid, not just these select few.

And maybe they don’t have to be mutually exclusive with queerness or “alternative” lifestyles, because a lot of people from these demographics aren’t quite comfortable with just getting rid of religion entirely, and they’re entitled to still maintaining that connection. If feminists can still have a nuanced relationship with femininity, so can believers with their religion.

People are simply asking to be allowed to exist and practice their beliefs in peace, they aren’t really calling for the eradication of the other. Just as queers don’t actually intend to abolish heterosexuality, they just want to be left alone. Let people decide how they feel about certain things, instead of making them get rid of it for their own good; That is every individual’s personal choice, just as yours is. And that feels relevant, given how much Choice is a theme in this show, and especially in the finale in which Luz meets the Titan properly, with the Titan emphasizing this agency to her.

[notyouraryang0dd3ss]

Omg that ask you received about marginalised swifties ‘Turning their brains off’ to fawn over their fave fascist is SO REAL.

Ur ask box says come here to rant so I’m NOT holding back lmao sorry if this is a long one.

One of my friends is like this but he doesn’t even have Taylor Swift as an exception to his political opinions/ the standards he sets for other celebrities. Instead he will try to the best of his ability to justify EVERYTHING she does. Even if he literally said the opposite five minutes ago.

He loves Greta Thunberg and thinks carbon credits are just rich people shite?? Actually no Taylor is trying her best!! 😭😭 did you know she bought carbon credits so really she’s mitigating climate change.

He is against racism (AS A WHITE ENGLISH BOY) And thinks all celebrities should speak up against it?? Well, if she speaks up she and her fans could be hurt! (In THIS crowd?? 💁🏼‍♀️ 👩🏼👩🏼👩🏼👩🏼‍🦱👩🏼👩🏻‍🦰👩🏼👩🏻👩🏼 Bitch WHO?).

He is against homophobia (dude is literally gay) and any cishet celebrity who doesn’t immediately condemn homophobia is trash and morally bankrupt (his own words- which I agree with)?? Well yk she did make that one song! Wdym it portrays the poor rural working class as the homophobes and the rich educated people as great allies who have never been homophobic nor the ones passing homophobic and transphobic legislation?? No it’s actually a metaphor (for what? Her being classist? Not much of a metaphor when it’s fucking obvious).

That’s the context, so here’s The Story 😸😸

I remember late last year (a few weeks before Taylor Swift donated the wild wild sum of £250 dollars to see a comedy show raising money for Palestine) me and my friend were talking about how it’s morally bankrupt for celebrities to not talk about Palestine and this delulu little swiftie was like “yeah!! You guys are so right!” Until our friend was like “esp billionaires cz they could make so much of an impact just by speaking up once but don’t because they care more their money and have probably never spoken to a brown person darker than a paper bag”

And lemme tell you this about this mf. his face dropped immediately like 😊😟 and he starts waffling on like “uhmm well she’s on tour it would endanger her fans! Like the Manchester terror attack!! And she’s not a politician or anything so it wouldn’t do nowt.”

(The way he was insinuating her fans might get bombed in a ‘terror attack’ is a little 🤨 considering Isreal wouldn’t bomb a white US American woman and her majority wealthy white western fanbase in a western zionist county because that demographic makes up the majority of their supporters, and esp not in a terror attack... unless he’s aware of the fact that she’s probably a Zionist but just doesn’t want to say it LMAOO)

So me and my friend share A Look like what is this english boy (derogatory: inbred racist) on? And he immediately goes on the offence and I will say again; he is a staunch leftist. He is a gay guy in the Uk, esp considering the northern (aka fucked by the government, quite bigoted and really deprived) working class (he is the richest of our friend group but tbh that isn’t saying much lmao) area we live in. He is ALWAYS talking about social justice and how he, who is on average the most privileged person in our friend group, wants to use his privilege to help the less fortunate.

So! He turns to our friend: queer brown girl who’s family are catholic and from Maharashtra (India), and me: queer white girl who’s family are (mostly) Jewish and from Eastern Europe. And he says (I SHIT YOU NOT) extremely loudly so that many people nearby can hear cause we’re in our school’s canteen:

“Well, at least MY ANCESTORS didn’t murder hundreds of Hindus during partition! And at least MY BROTHER isn’t in the IDF!!”

(Wish this was in an English literature exam cause I could analyse the fuck out of it)

All it took was people insinuating his favourite celebrity wasn’t a good person. We didn’t even fucking name her. And he weaponises his privileges against those with less than him. Even if what he said was true it is fucking disgusting to use that against minorities, esp his friends, esp because we live in an area where so many people fall prey to politics scapegoating minorities for all the UK’s problems, and esp because he pretends to be against this stuff??

But no it gets worse, because let me explain the actual truth of that he said.

Our friend’s family were originally Hindu and converted relatively recently and AFTER partition so they wouldn’t have been killing Hindus. And saying murder is just pretty ugh. Also HUNDREDS?? The only people with that much blood on their hands after partition are the English and that’s a fucking fact. And from what I know most of the conflicts within Maharashtra were not religious but ethnic-based?? I might be wrong but of course this guy wouldn’t know regardless. Also it should be noted that the majority of Indian kids at our school are from a different state with a different language + culture and our friend already feels alienated from them along with being treated like shit by a select few. So literally announcing her family fucking MURDERED theirs isn’t helping at all!

Then there’s my bit lol.

First of all it’s not my brother, it’s my half brother. And he’s not in the IDF he is just a Zionist. Which is still really awful and uplifting a system of apartheid. But not the same.

Now the thing is. The only reason this guy knows this is because THREE YEARS AGO i entrusted him as a friend and vented about issues in my family: that my half brother is a Zionist and wants to join the IDF when he’s older and I’m really ashamed that he has interpreted our religion in a way that perpetrates genocide. Also like my entire family are arguing about it and it’s really stressful. A month later (still 3 years ago) someone spread rumours around school that I was a Zionist and hated Muslims (what really happened was that someone was making Holocaust jokes saying ‘I gave them permission to do it’ and I called them out, so that was their revenge.). This guy was my friend all through that and KNOWS how much it upset me and esp because there were at the time no other Jewish people in our school.

To this day I’m still hesitant to tell people at school that I’m Jewish because I’m paranoid something like this will happen again.

But this guy didn’t care. He made up a lie about my friend not only demonising her to her own community but also to outsiders. Blaming mass bloodshed that his own people perpetrated onto her and her family. Then he lied about me and my family- bastardising something I told him years ago as a close friend with the trust he wouldn’t use it against me years later. But he did.

Of our little trio (we do have a bigger friend group but we were the only ones in that convo), he is the one who has done the least for Palestine. We have been fighting for fucking years and he’s only opening his eyes know which is still good and better than never of course. But to speak with such authority when literally all he has done is tell us he’s against Israel (better than Taylor but still spineless). Bro isn’t even an activist because there’s nothing active about what he does. He just passively hangs around and through association with us, other people and being already a minority (queer) isn’t assumed to be a Zionist.

AND!! Ironically he is actually quite disliked at my school- not for being a scumbag, but for the fact that he’s gay. We are some of his only friends but he’s willing to jeopardise our relationship just to uplift an insanely wealthy bigot half a world away.

Anyway yeah that’s it lol.

What he did was racist and antisemitic and fucking AWFUL. He has done stuff like this before and since- never always go the same extent though- and I think this story takes the cake.

When you said leftist swifties will just ignore their values for her. You were right to an extend but also kind of wrong. Turns out they will also weaponise everything they claim to be against just to protect their precious little blonde billionaire. Hooray 🤩🤩

Anyway thank you so so much for not only calling out Taylor swift and swifties’s BS but also issues within the anti community (sigh. Jewishbarbies) and standing up for what’s right. Free Palestine and fuck the colonisers 🇵🇸🇵🇸❤️❤️

As a side note you said you wanted to listen to more Indian songs n you probably already know it cause it’s Bollywood and really popular but CHAMMAK CHALLO by Akon is a lifestyle <3 I might not be here much but I’d love to be 😻 anon if it’s available (or the REAL Jewish barbie if you feel like it lmao)

please drop this guy. this is not your friend this is someone who hangs out with you because (as you said) no one else likes him.

nobody with his alleged politics would ever think let alone ACCUSE you and your desi best friend of racist lies (STRAIGHT UP ACCUSING YOUR FRIENDS FAMILY OF MASS MURDER?) and zionist ties (blaming you for your brother wanting to join the idf?). this is not a good person.

i’m sorry this behavior is so abhorrent. nobody who genuinely respects, likes, cares and KNOWS the both of you would ever think of saying this in your face. and all in the defense of a WEALTHY WHITE CELEB WHO PRIDES HERSELF IN BEING A FEMINIST CONTINUING TO STAY SILENT 9 MONTHS INTO A GENOCIDE. he is showing you that he would rather side with/defend a (privileged) white person rather his own marginalized friends if he likes them more than you. this is not someone not committed to their own politics.

this is what i was saying about further left identifying swifties is that their leftist politics are just aesthetics for them. if you can disregard your politics for your favorite celeb you are not committed to the ideology you claim as your political framework. also i noticed how you used homophobia and greta thunberg as examples, which explains his behavior as self serving meaning he’s a leftist only because he’s directly impacted by his issues. (if he calls himself anti racist tell him to stfu especially after what he said to your desi bff bc wtf) this is not a good person who’s own personal politics regarding palestine are passive at best. he isn’t even committed to palestine’s liberation.

ugh. what a disgusting human being. i am so sorry your “friend” said this disgusting shit to you just because HE felt threatened you guys were holding his fave accountable. he went fully mask off and spouted bigotry because HE felt threatened. if this is not the first or last time he’s done this, he’s told you multiple times who he is and you have no obligation to continue being his friend because he does not deserve to be.

fuck all the zionists in the tag and SHOW UP FOR PALESTINE. go and get involved in your actions, reshare and donate to gfm’s, actively educate yourself (haymarket books has free book pdfs to download about palestine), post online and above all REMAIN STEADFAST IN YOUR COMMITMENT TO PALESTINE.

death to all colonial powers, land back to all indigenous peoples, and reparations and return of all stolen resources and artifacts to the decolonized peoples. fuck israel and death to the white settler colonial state!

[kiwwia-wiwwia]

matt murdock songs and explanations pt. 1

most of these will be noah kahan just a heads up but I can talk about these for HOURSSSS. just me analyzing matt and some songs and making a verbal venn diagram.

song 1: No Complaints by Noah Kahan

I thought I had somethin' And that's the same as havin' somethin'

matt constantly, CONSTANTLY grasping at whatever connection he can get. foggy, father lantom, elektra, karen, claire... the list goes on. but i really see this as him and elektra. him desperately searching for goodness in her that may or may not even be there but he still so ferverently believes in her, that there's something there, something permanent, esp when he was in college.

I'd get mad at nothin', blame my dad for somethin' I pull no punches, then feel bad for months

he has. so much anger. towards himself, towards his parents, towards god... sometimes he just needs to pin the blame on something. him getting to worked up one night and doing more damage than necessary and then berating himself for it for months. got that Catholic Guilt fr

Mm, thought I was raised better, tried to fake better

impostor syndrome, anyone? he constantly feels like he's not what his dad would've wanted him to be and again, So Much Guilt is in that man. his dad didn't want him to be a fighter and that's literally All He Does. pobrecito hates himself so much for not living up to his father's expectations of him.

Tried to blame weather and escape better Hope the skin heals where the pain enters

GODDDDD THE SYMBOLYSM HERE. hope the skin heals where the pain enters. are u kidding me. i have never heard something more daredevil. the physical and emotional pain he's in constantly, the way that when things get bad for him he uses vigilantism as a form of self harm, especially in season 3 when he tries to off himself by getting those guys to kill him.

But I finally got sewed up I set a time, then I showed up Now the weight of the world ain't so bad

all the times he tries to fix his relationships. when he's destroying friendships left and right (foggy and karen), flaking on them, placing daredevil as his highest priority and then when he realizes he's being an ass he does his best to show up??? trying so hard to be better for them because they don't deserve the way he's been treating them, only for the cycle to repeat itself? oh my god.

I saw the end, it looks just like the middle Got a paper and pen and a page with no space

Him realizing every now and again that nothing changes, the city will always have a new threat and his work will never be done. everything stays the exact same. the end looks just like the middle. GOD.

I filled the hole in my head with prescription medication And forgot how to cry, who am I to complain?

he does self medicate, just not with substances. his drug is being daredevil. he gets frustrated? daredevil. sad? daredevil. angry? daredevil. that's his only outlet, the only time he feels like he's truly being himself. and that man represses so aggressively and feels like he has no right to feel the way he does. again, catholic guilt. "other people have it worse" NO matt. you are in hell.

And now the pain's different It still exists, it just escapes different And evades vision, makes the rain different Makes the news boring and my rage distant

when he gets bad, he gets BAD. mf is depressed. depressed squared. everything dulls around him, he's feeling things at an arms length.

Yes, I'm young and living dreams In love with being noticed and afraid of being seen

his playboy side loves the attention he gets, especially in college, but he's terrified of someone truly knowing him. sure, get close on a surface level, but he's so guarded about anyone fully and wholly knowing him. he's terrified of losing more people.

But I can finally eat and I can fall asleep It's fine, fine, fine

denial is a river in egypt. he's Fine, he swears. everything is Normal and he is Functioning. everything is FINE. but it's not. hes a mess and he's barely holding it together and the only thing he's trying for is the people around him so when he's alone because he pushes everyone away it's dangerous. he doesn't have to keep up appearances, he can just rot away and daredevil until he gets too injured even though he'll probably keep going after that.

thank you for your time this has been me psychoanalyzing my husband

[slxxx03]

woke up sweaty as shit in the middle of the night from a nightmare so bad i started repeating the lords prayer untill i fell back asleep what being raised catholic does to a mf

[daja-the-hypnokitten]

Jukebox reviews part 24! For context, see my post “A Project”     under this same tag. If you want to see a full list of his EMCSA   stories, they can be found here, sorted alphabetically.And if you want to see some of his drabbles, check out his blog at @jukeboxemcsa

Personal Jesus

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6/16/2012                                     mc ex hu

I always get a chuckle when Jukebox references the song the story takes its title from, as he does here. This story though .... it's maybe a little dark, in the current timeline. Religious fundamentalists in government, on the Supreme Court, well. It isn't as entertaining now as it was in 2012. The way our unnamed hacker stopped it is delightful, but ... again, a little bit sci-fi magic-y for me, and the story does remain dark enough that I just can't quite get into it. 4/10 spirals. 

 Only In My Dreams

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6/23/2012                                     mc ff

As a queer gal who was raised Catholic, this story never doesn't give me EMOTIONS. It wasn't fair of Nancy to do that to Lori quite so firmly, but at the same time, I can't entirely fault her motives. But it is all magic, and while influencing dreams is a fascinating form of control, it still isn't quite what does it for me. 7/10 spirals. 

 Angel Eyes

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7/7/2012                                       mc mf md

Jukebox, I need you to know that I hear Miles' "That's right" in a *very* particular tone in my head, because I remember the MCForum arena contest you wrote this story for. That aside, this is a lovely story, remarkably sweet, and while I will never grok Jill's joy in being both exhibitionist and voyeur, it's clear that she, at least, enjoys herself. This is clearly an established trigger, but seeing just how it effects Jill's mind as she sinks into it, as Miles guides her down, is lovely. And the fact that it makes me think of a specific, lovely thing just makes me smile more. 10/10 spirals. 

 She Came In Through the Bathroom Window

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7/14/2012                                     mc mf ff

This is creepy and full of horror and to me, not at all sexy. Especially in an age of a highly-contagious virus. And zombies - of any flavor - just have never done it for me. It's well written, so if that's your jam, you'll likely enjoy it, but it isn't for me. 3/10 spirals. 

 Miles Away

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7/21/2012                                     mc mf md

I normally can really enjoy the "hypnotee is unaware that they're being hypnotised" approach, but something about this one just bothers me. Probably the general tone of it all, seeing how particular I can be on consent vs pushing past a no, etc, which if you've been reading along you know well about me by now. But it's skillfully, subtly done, so A+ to Kurt on his technique, and I do enjoy seeing what's going on in Debbie's head while it happens. 6/10 spirals. 

 We R Who We R

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7/28/2012                                     mc mf ff md

This is a clever concept, overwriting concepts with letters. Though I *do* wonder why he bothered to override the concept of "fuck." that one doesn't quite make sense to me, for all the rest do. Even if I have to guess a little at what letter means what concept. It makes for a seriously good story, though, even if it isn't to my usual tastes. 7/10 spirals. 

 The Long and Winding Road

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8/4/2012                                       mc

Another one of Jukebox's inductions, and it's a really good one. I appreciate the care in this one added to help someone if they're trying to stay unnoticed or whatever, and the image of a journey works really well for me, too. It's an all-around good induction, though like his other ones it feels designed to be recorded rather than read. 8/10 spirals 

 Pop Music

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8/11/2012                                     mc ff ma hu

Ok, but if the drug breaks down on contact with oxygen, how long does it stay stable in the lungs? In the bloodstream? Inquiring biochemists want to know. Otherwise, the story is fine, really, but it it's science-as-magic again, in a way that just misses what I'd enjoy about it. And then I get very distracted by the science because I'm a nerd like that. 6/10 spirals. 

 Zap

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10/6/2012                                     mc mf md

This is a lovely, wonderful, delightful bit of comedy. Oh, sure, it's hot enough, if you like the magic neurosicence gun tropes, leaving someone completely enslaved at the press of a button - and I know some of my readers will. But besides that, the set-up is just entertaining and made me laugh on a day I really needed it. There's so much I enjoy about this story, the characters, the build, all of it.I just kinda wish it felt less like hi-tech magic. 8/10 spirals. 

 I Alone

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2/9/2013                                       mc mf sf

This is sad and melancholy, and also a little hard to read due to the well-justified *odd* language. It follows reasonable rules, and I got used to it after a bit, but it was still a little challenging. I definitely don't see this as all that mind-control heavy, or erotic, and I'm admittely surprised Simon let it onto the Archive to begin with. ??/10 spirals 

[ribcracker]

this is what being raised catholic does to a mf

just read on a random comment section that “looking for a sign is a sign”. . god… oh god.. oh

[thealogie]

lying on the floor moaning bargaining with the universe that if the pain ends I promise promise I’ll never eat bread again because it’s satan’s vessel on earth, and my bf brings me mint tea because he read that’s good for stomach aches but he also whispers “don’t say that, you don’t mean it” as though I’ll be bound to a random promise shouted out from the floor on agony. Bro we’re both atheists who’s gonna enforce this shit

[catboymoments]

When I started reading the ask of anon saying they just read Genesis I thought they were talking abt the bible and they were about to give you a review of the chapter

HELP. WHAT BEING RAISED CATHOLIC DOES TO A MF

[librarymontage]

I can’t get over how much my dad is obsessed with derry girls he’s cackling nonstop through every episode literally what being raised catholic does to an mf

[ecotone99]

[MF] I don't know the title, I don't think I want one.

You come to find out it’s the villains in life that move you along something fierce and steer you on the path of right as much as the best friends do. He was a good man in that way, a trucker, a veteran with the heart of a true soldier: you have to admire his passion, his ability to see things coming, that certain sense of duty required to raise a family that isn’t yours. You have to give him credit for being the one to stick around with us girls, the terrible two, the triple threat with our eldest, the fab four with my mother. I’ll say if the war didn’t do it to him we did. He’d wake up and start screaming and we’d laugh ourselves silly and we’d make fun of him saluting the flag at the parade and his apocalyptic warnings about the price of gas and bread. Crazy how a broken clock is right twice a day. Of course that doesn’t justify the abuse but the abuse doesn’t justify how I felt. It doesn’t make every unkind word okay for either side. It doesn’t forgive every shutup and every worthless, every goodfornothing and every ihateyou. It does give me inner peace and reconciliation. It does give him forgiveness. I knew I couldn’t go on like other people do, holding onto their hate and ill-will. Allowing yourself to hate is just keeping every wound open for the salt of memory. For every diamond of righteous indignation there are two rustflecks by the names pain and regret. And I wonder sometimes seeing my husband, my kids, this life, did I heal, or did I simply continue this cycle? Do I know how to live without my father? Or did I simply replace him? Did my father raise my kids? Have I been indoctrinated to need abuse? Am I too weak? Is my memory right? Am I insane? Have I just tricked myself into believing my husband is acceptable because he’s better than my father? I think my mother fell in love with his passion. Maybe it was his military background, his honor. My biological father left her, he offered stability, a sense of belonging, of family, a fresh start, rebound. I think, on some level, she wanted someone to defy, someone to not listen to. Two parents with totally different standards for us. One day I was there, a little almond-eyed girl, a helpless little sister, full of not much else but naive sincerity and the Christian compassion I’d be taught to suppress. Of all the girls I was the most influenced by my grandmother’s faith. Yes, Catherine’s become a Catholic, but I became Christian, a follower of Christ, not the church, or the Bible, or the Christian community, but a believer in Jesus’s kindness. His tolerance. His passionate defence of the weak and broken. Uniting us not under the power of his celebrity but the power of his principles.

I’d be taught to suppress that compassion I had, made cynical. The compassion I still struggle to gain back. What a child I was, so sincere and self-serious, following rules and keeping promises and letting down no one except myself. Something else that’d get beaten out of me. That is, now I let down myself and others. I’m not as self-serious anymore. Very literal I was as a child.

When is it we stop being children? I think for the wisest of us it is when we die. So many go back to being babies and think nothing can hurt them, they can do anything, the world is there to give them what they want. Children are not babies: children are scared. They’re like adults in that way. Sometimes when we’re scared we run, or we push the world away, or we hide, we cry, we yell and scream. In reality parenting never ends. I take issue with the phrase ‘young adults’. They are not the ‘young adults’, we are the ‘old children’. Adulthood is not a special transition to knowledge and independence, and it certainly is not a reward for being aged. Responsibility is not a privilege. I always had her with me and inside me and even when I was alone or she made me feel alone I wasn’t and so I owe it to her now, I owe it to her now that she’s laying there to take care of her and never let her be and hold her tight and kiss her and say I love you I love you I love you for being such a mother that you were. That you are. And I can be like you were to me and I can take care of my mother how she took care of me and if only she could be here living with me so she'd be here all day so she’s never alone because that’s what she always hated. She hated being alone and she always wants someone to care and someone to notice her and I just want to be there so she’s not alone like I was alone and she never feels loneliness like I felt it and how it feels deep inside, like lead, and pounding and pounding and pounding and giving away and staying inside yourself until you can’t send it outside anymore and staying inside with something to think about. Something to think about. Something to think about. And something to think about and something to let your heart pound pound pound and something to swell and grow and knot and twist in your stomach and fill up a sink in your throat until you drown and lie down like lead, like hot lead filling up your throat and letting it be hot and cold and hot all over and letting it all be inside and out. Inside and out because you live inside and you want to live out and you live outside but you don’t live inside anymore and not like you used to like you’re floating in water cold all over but you’ll sink because you’re hot lead and no one can get inside because it’s too heavy and you want the outside people inside and your inside people out but they’re not the same. They’re not the same. And you want your inside love outside and you want the outside one in and you want him to touch you and let you be cold all over and you want to let him in and warm you up. And you want to feel trouble and you want to feel pain and you want to feel good all over like how getting in trouble and falling in love feel the same with the swelling and growing and knotting and twisting all inside you. Getting in trouble feels like falling in love with all that filling up red hot like a glass of wine from your feet to the tip of your nose wine-drunk and you want to stop living and you want to stop being able to miss them and you want to live and you want to feel him all over until it rolls off of your twist-tie tongue because you lost all of what you breathed in trying to say what it felt like. And you can never say it when you’ve felt it. And you can never feel it warm all over when you haven’t breathed it in yet. And you can never fall in love unless you only want trouble. And you can never want trouble unless you want the inside out because if you want the outside in you never get it. And you have to let the inside out and it can touch and feel and breathe and then you can feel someone else’s inside breathe out on your skin and touch you. And when they touch you you’ll sparkle and fizz up over the top and twinkle and when they touch you it’ll feel like a cymbal roll rolling rolling wwwhoooooaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiissssshhhhhh and it’s a leading tone and a crescendo and a tonic and a heroic fifth and a warm hug from the third when you let your inside out. But when you keep it in and you don’t want to give it away no one will give you that and no one can put their inside in you. And so most of us stay on the outside in the sun and try to act act act and some of us stay inside in the dark corners and the caves and some of us stay inside too long. And when you stay inside too long and you get too used to seeing in the dark it’ll hurt when you come outside because your inside is just going to burn, burn, burn, burn, and burn it all away to find the inside of someone else only so you can find out that when you keep burning no one wants to breathe on you. Something she always had trouble with. In a good way she’s one of those that burns burns and won’t stop burning. Like they’d always say those girls are just too dumb to die. Like she’d never take no for an answer. Like she’d laugh and laugh and laugh like god knows what because you couldn’t bring her down and like she’d string you along when you’re mad at her like she didn’t have a clue just to get a rise from you. Like she taught us to never stop going and never stop going. Like she’ll never stop being my mother. It’s on the day you’ve got to feed your mother that you know love never stops burning, when you’ve got to hold her hand and prick her finger and speak up for her and wash her teeth because she dropped them in the linen and tell her about your day and tell her again and you can feel from the way she holds your hand she’s fighting like hell and you say to yourself I’ll fight like hell ma. I’ll fight like hell and we’re all fighting like hell because that’s all that’s right in the world. She taught me that, that if you’ve got to fight then let ‘em have it. I think the things you’re willing to fight for will be the things that hurt you the most so you’d better pick something that hurts so good.

Edited for formatting. Or tried to. I'm unlucky today

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[octavianacidicbreastmilk]

i also forgot to add Howl's Moving Castle. literally the book that i reread most often as a kid and teen. im a disgrace ghfbdjdjd

to get your mind off from bad fantasy titles can you recommend any good ones?

ooohh 👀👀 ty!!! so, a big premise is that im not really sure if all of this is stricly fantasy since most of these are a result of hybrid genres. plus, afaik these are all adult books, so no ya. with that said:

Deathless by Catherynne M. Valente (Fantasy Retelling of Russian Folklore): its a retelling based on russian folklore where the protagonist, Marya Morevna navigates Russia in the early 1900s and onwards (so the revolution and wwii) + her role as the intended wife for Koschei the Deathless. I love this book a lot: the relationship between Marya and Koschei is wonderfully toxic + i love the prose + and I do think it treats the folklore involved in a way thats surprisingly loving and careful

Gods of Jade and Shadow by Silvia Moreno-Garcia (Historical Fantasy set in Mexico, late 1920s); Casiopea Tun mistakenly restores to a semblance of life the Mayan Death God Hun-Kamé, thus binding her life to his, as they go on a quest to regain his missing body parts his brother had scattered through the earth. Its a very death and the maiden story + the setting of mexico during the jazz age is really fun + it deals a lot with Mayan mythology and theres a wonderfully complicated and antagonitic relationship between brothers who are also gods

Orfeia by Joanne M. Harris; a mother goes on a quest for her missing daughter to restore her to life after she was stolen away by the fae

Under the Pendulum Sun by Jeanette Ng (Dark Fantasy + Historical Fantasy set in the Victorian Era); Catherine Helstone travels to Arcadia in search of her brother Laon, a missionary who disappeared while trying to convert the fae to Christianity. this one had such an extensive worldbuilding and descriptive prose; im not spoiling anything but the way they connected chrstianity and the fae made me scream. i do wanna warn ppl that theres a lot of theological discussions involved, if that is a deal breaker

Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia (Gothic Fantasy; set in Mexico); Noemí Taboada's cousin Catalina has written to her, begging Noemí's help, as she firmly believes that her English husband, Virgil Doyle, intends to murder her. Suspecting that Virgil may also be after Catalina's money, Noemí's father, Leocadio, sends her to the Doyle home, High Place, which is located in the mountains outside of a small town named El Triunfo

Gideon the Ninth and Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir (Science Fantasy); Set in a galactic empire of nine planets, each ruled by a noble house that practices its own unique type of necromancy. The heirs of said houses are invited by the Emperor, worshipped as a God, to undergo a trial to become his Lyctors. so, full disclaimer, before picking them up i would suggest giving a try beforehand with the prose of Gideon the Ninth since it might not be your cup of tea; that said, i love Gideon as a narrator, and Muir does foreshadowing so well!!! So many good female characters!!! Harrow my beloved!!! and honestly the second book is so much better than the first, whom i liked a lot, bc of the worldbuilding, the character relationships, the plot twists

Vicious by V.E Schwab (Urban Fantasy); two college students learn how to create superhuman abilities and later become archnemesis. its an incredibly fun book since the relationship at its core between the protagonists is sorta fucked up, really codependent on each other to better define themselves, but lovely to read about. also Eli my beloved

A Winter's Promise by Christelle Dabos; Long ago, following a cataclysm called “The Rupture,” the world was shattered into many floating celestial islands called Arks, over one of which the protagonist, Ophelia, lives. She can read the past of objects simply by touching them but has to move to another Ark after her betrothal. A big caviat is that o have to yet read the ending of the series, and ive heard very conflicting opinions on it, so i would inform myself before diving headfirst into smth that may have a disappointing ending. That said: fun worldbuiling; I really like Ophelia as a protagonist; her relationship with the love interest is interesting; and i dig the mistery behind uncovering what happened and why "God" would rupture the world

[iloveyoufor800years]

what watching casper as a kid and being raised catholic does to a mf

if i could write a semi gothic romance hualian au i would