#what are thoughts i can't even articulate

[beaft]

oh gosh I so relate to the whole not even knowing what you're thinking unless you write it down or say it out loud. non inner voice people. is it okay to ask more about what that's like for you?

of course! (i hope you don't mind me answering this publicly - i think it's an interesting topic and i'm curious to know if other people have similar experiences, but if you want me to delete just let me know and i will.)

so i don't really think in words, it's just... vibes? images, sensations, colours, emotions, etc. it may be linked to depression/brain fog, but most of the time my head is completely silent. right now i'm looking at my peace lily on the kitchen table. i'm not thinking "peace lily", or "needs watering" (it does). it's just an image in front of me. there's no flavour text. nothing attached to it.

as for what that's like:

i get bored and understimulated very easily. i can't stand doing nothing. i need to be busy, always. i never know what i'm going to say until i've said it, so i rely on scripts. i rehearse conversations. i say things i don't believe and express opinions i don't hold, often without realising i'm doing it. if someone talks at me for a long time i stop being able to understand them. i got through my uni lectures by transcribing, verbatim, everything the lecturer said while they were saying it. i have difficulty telling when i'm hungry or cold. i often type out what i'm feeling like i'm trying to solve a logic puzzle: okay, so something is Bad. what body sensations are we experiencing? have we felt similar sensations in the past? what caused it then? what's causing it now?

it wasn't until recently that i realised most people have a "thinking" voice inside their head, and it really threw me, because suddenly i was like "wait. i don't have thoughts. am i stupid?" and to an extent i still do worry about that. but i've come to realise that i process things by articulating them after the fact. if i had an uncomfortable encounter on the street, i might feel scared in my body, but i wouldn't actually understand what happened or how i felt about it until i told someone, or wrote it down, or said it out loud to myself.

talking is difficult. writing is automatic. the ideas are in there, but i can't consciously access them. often i'll read my own writing back and suddenly understand exactly what i was doing, but the actual writing process is very much fumbling around in the dark. i just have to trust that whatever my subconscious is trying to express will come out on its own.

sorry for the long response - i hope that answered your question!

[anghraine]

J and I kicked off Pride month by watching The Search for Spock, and concluded it with the obvious TOS choice of "Amok Time," and I have a bunch of thoughts about how TSFS and "Amok Time" feel the most deeply interconnected that the movies ever get with TOS which I'm still articulating to myself.

Despite the rambling, there are a lot more parallels and points of connection than in this post, but: I think both "Amok Time" and TSFS are very good ensemble pieces with sympathy and understanding for the vast majority of the cast, whether they're our particular heroes or not. They're the opposite of the kind of story where you can't choose a side because everyone is so unlikable that you're more Team Meteor Destroying Everyone than anything else. Instead, I tend to feel very Team Everyone watching both.

With "Amok Time" in particular, I feel for T'Pring's desire to have a consort rather than be one and to, uh, not be legally designated as property and compelled to have sex with someone she doesn't want and who also doesn't want her in his right mind. I feel for how much she and Spock are hardly even real to each other beyond the memory of their minds being forcibly locked together at seven years old—they don't know each other, not really. And I love her implacable logic and apparently genuine sense of honor at Spock's acknowledgment of how logical she is, as well as her fantastic style. T'Pau comes across as largely reasonable and deserving of the respect she receives despite everything, and is just this incredible force of personality (Kirk fanboying her is all the more charming because we can see why he would!). You even feel for Chapel's yearning, although her reluctance to take no for an answer and Spock's rage over it dwindling as the pon farr escalates are distinctly unsettling.

Meanwhile, Spock's desperate hope that he could indefinitely delay the fulfillment of his comphet child marriage, and his absolute misery and fury as his agency and most basic preferences are stripped from him? Damn, it all hits like a truck (maybe especially as a lesbian raised in an intensely homophobic, conservative subculture where I experienced immense pressure to subsume myself in het marriage, but even without the personal comphet experience, it's so clear that Spock hates every moment of this). And Kirk's careful, observant, rational attempts to make sense of what's going on with Spock are great, but what really makes this a fantastic episode for him is his response afterwards, once he does know. He shifts to an absolute prioritization of Spock's welfare—keeping Spock's secrets, making the choice to torch his own career, and facing down death against the advice of everyone including McCoy, as long as it means Spock lives—that's just spectacular.

The broader circle of friendship and loyalty around Spock is very much emphasized in both TSFS and "Amok Time," and profoundly heartwarming in both. Bones in particular is put in circumstances in both stories that seem precisely tailored for Maximum McCoy Misery, and he's an absolute champ about them beyond anything that could reasonably be expected. The episode and the film are actually very fun ensemble pieces in general, enjoyable moments for Sulu and Uhura among others as well, and close attention to pre-existing dynamics like Spock's established rejection of Chapel for "Amok Time" and the maturation of David and Saavik by TSFS. All the relationships are framed as significant.

But TSFS and "Amok Time" also go to a lot of pains to identify the relationship between Spock and Kirk as qualitatively different from every other relationship in either narrative. These other relationships are no less important than they would be otherwise, but Spock's relationship to Kirk is sharply distinguished from them in both stories, treated as this fundamentally different thing in both intimacy and obligations. Neither "Amok Time" nor TSFS can explain why Kirk and Spock's relationship is Just Different. But neither story can ever shut up about it, either.

Kirk's and Spock's towering sense of duty to each other in life or death, beyond what either could feel for any one else, is marked in both stories—absolutely essential to both, in fact. Both stories emphasize that other people who know them professionally and respect them, but aren't super close, find their known relationship as close friends and a command team grossly inadequate as an explanation for the extreme, singular intensity of this sense of obligation. Komack and Morrow aren't unreasonable; Kirk provides no real justification or reasoning for his motives or actions, only assertions of his duty, because of course there is no justification or reasoning as a professional or (in the framing of the narratives) even really as a friend that could truly explain the dynamic here. There's no possibility of putting it into words in some socially appropriate way. This is only reinforced by both narratives aggressively veering away from classing Kirk's affection for Spock in with the more comprehensible affection of others for him, and instead singling out Kirk's role in Spock's life as unique, over and over and over again, in large ways and small.

So the separate particularity of their relationship, their motives, their obligations, their unswerving loyalties, their emotional devastation at losing each other, and ultimately, their ecstatic joy at the restoration of one another, is just this omnipresent thing woven through both narratives, never explained but constantly acknowledged. The fact that Spock's other relationships are deeply important in "Amok Time" and TSFS as well, just in a fundamentally different way, doesn't undermine the absolute centrality of his relationship with Kirk; it only reinforces it.

In a way, I'm reminded of my OTP tag for them—#otp: closer than anyone in the universe—which comes from Kirk's insistence in the TOS series finale that Spock is closer to him than anyone in the universe and intimately knows his mind. I mean, it's a searingly romantic thing to say (to the point that they had to transplant Kirk into a woman's body to get away with it, lbr), but it's actually less so if nobody else in the universe matters all that much to them. Instead, other people do matter very much; this is made quite clear throughout the series, most conspicuously with Bones, but with others as well.

Kirk and Spock's relationship to each other eclipses all other relationships not because those other relationships are unimportant, but because their relationship with each other is so central, so intimate, so profound, that even genuinely close, pivotal relationships with other people pale in comparison. Neither of them really has any competition on this level, despite their mutual propensity towards seething jealousy. Spock's towering centrality to Kirk is only reinforced by Kirk genuinely caring about other people, too.

And I feel like "Amok Time" and TSFS essentially work to insist this is true of Kirk's role for Spock, too. Spock cares about other people and is surrounded by people who care for him. He is loved. His relationship with Kirk isn't special because no one else cares about Spock, or vice-versa. But no one cares for them in the way they care for each other. In both narratives, we see that Kirk has a completely unique role in Spock's life because he loves Spock in a completely unique way—passionate, self-sacrificing, admiring to the point of adoration, yet companionate, thoughtful, and teasing—that transcends every other relationship Spock has. And in both of these stories, we're never allowed to forget what they are to each other, and not to anyone else.

[fascinationstreetmp3]

I have what you're looking for. High quality. Befitting a man of my tastes. I have a room over on Divisadero, not too far a walk.

[meraki-yao]

RWRB Bloopers: A fucking list on the neck kissing scene because what the fuck

Incoherent ramblings of the neck kissing scene in the bloopers because I've gone to sleep, woke up, and I'm still insane over this

This is a scene. Not a shot. It's a fucking SCENE. It could be 2 minutes for all we know. What the fuck.

Alex/Taylor's wearing the same outfit as he did on the plane from Paris back To the US. (blazer, purple-grey shirt, no tie)

Henry/Nick's in a fucking bathrobe.

This looks like the Paris hotel room, and it looks like morning

This looks like they're starting something: Henry/Nick's in the process of being lowered onto the bed

Neck kisses, enough said, I want to cry

Is this the shot or B roll? It's kind of a weird angle to shoot such a scene? Or is that just me?

Again where the fuck was this scene gonna go? Make out? Morning sex? Alex is fully dressed though? The fuck?

The way Alex/Taylor's fulling covers Henry/Nick makes me weak

I love kissing bloopers so much

This makes the "you're such a cretin" scene look more improvised and natural???

This blooper would work in character!!! Obviously it's Taylor and Nick but it would also be something Alex and Henry would do!!!

Again I just fucking love how they're comfortable enough with each other to make jokes like this it's so fucking sweet

This is what Taylor talked about in the GQ interview, isn't it? "One of us would say something stupid"

I can't stop thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SCENE. WHAT THE FUCK IS IT. AND HOW MANY MORE DELETED SCENES ARE THERE THAT WE DON'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED

PRIME COME ON, RELEASE THEM ALL, OR PROMISE YOU'LL RELEASE THEM DOWN THE LINE, OR BETTER YET PUT EVERYTHING INTO A DVD PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU

[knickynoo]

Two of my favorite little scenes from BTTF part II are the moments where Marty stops to watch his parents in 1955. I mean, he was only just there living through those events one day prior, but he didn't actually have a chance to soak any of it in or process it. (He'd come flailing into the parking lot just after George punched Biff but hardly had time to appreciate any of it on account of his picture still fading, and then at the dance, he was. You know. Actively being erased from existence up there on stage for a while.)

Even though the stakes are still unbelievably high when he returns to '55 to try to track down the almanac, and he's just experienced what may be the most stressful and terrifying day of his life with all the 1985A nonsense, he makes it a point to slow down enough to watch his parents at the dance. And there's just this look on his face—a mixture of awe and relief and happiness. You can tell. You can tell this is getting permanently etched into Marty's memory. He's taking in every detail. He's holding tightly to these sweet moments of watching his parents (who had been unhappily married most of or all of his life) FALL IN LOVE. A real, true love that he's never had a chance to see them in before.

Not to mention the fact that in the reality he'd just arrived from, his mother had been forced into marriage with Biff, and his father was dead. Marty's just come from a place where his family had been completely destroyed, and now he's watching the very foundation of it coming together. This is the beginning of it all, and it's a reminder of what he's trying so hard to save and get back to.

And it's so very nice that we see him hitting the pause button for a few seconds in this chaos-fest to look at his mom and dad with such love.

[wiedzm1n]

you know when you come across a cool character and you're like "man, they would be pretty fun to write" but then the character is also really, really smart and ur like ...2+2=35??? or is that just me

[arttsuka]

ive been following you for a little over a few months now, and I just wanted to say that your art is really yummy to see and that I enjoy seeing you talk about things you enjoy, even if I don't recognize the characters or fandom :)

That's such a nice thing to say :) I'm glad you're enjoying my blog so far.

[dawdlecentric]

Man, this doujin isn't fucking around

Meanwhile, Seikuri in the background...

Doujin: Flashbackers by Totobe

[ghostofthepresent]

never trusting anybody ever again. what do you Mean dance song.

[scramble-crossing]

no please tell us your joshua thoughts i insist

You’ve hit me at a crucial moment of procrastination and utter dread. ON HIS BIRTHDAY.  Ideal circumstance to talk about Joshua.

Right off the bat though I’ve gotta say that a lot of this is probably not the most canon-adherent stuff and also only Josh-adjacent in some cases since I tend to focus on how he relates to other characters + the series’ worldbuilding over his actual self-contained character. I like him and all I just have the most fun using him as a narrative tool for the characters I like a little more ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

First of all, I usually put Joshua as having died and become Composer sometime between 1900-1920 following a near-and-dear headcanon that Kariya became a Reaper during the cultural shift of the 1920s with the advent of the salaryman lifestyle-if you’re going to sell your soul for guaranteed work it might as well come with the perk of being able to spend most of your existence lazing around the city instead of being boxed up in some itty-bitty cubical.

However this is mostly based on the assumption that Joshua predates all of the Shibuya Reapers. Otherwise they would recognize him, right? In opposition to this I really really love the headcanon that all trace of a person’s existence is erased from both the RG and UG upon becoming Composer (or any position higher than Conductor). In that case I think it’d be fun if Joshua came shortly after Kariya. They knew each other at some point.

^When Kariya confronted him and Neku in W2 Josh had a brief moment of “Holy shit does he remember me?” before Kari said he was alive and he got the biggest, shit-eatingest grin on his face. Yippiiiiie!!! Oily Josh has wriggled his way out of consequences once again!!!!

(Kariya is aware that there was a change in Composer sometime during his run as a Reaper. He sensed the city shift with it. The way it sings now, it’s almost…familiar? He doesn’t think about it too deeply, it saddens him a bit if he does)

Speaking of Josh & Friends, @starocide has a ton of very very fun ideas about Joshua and Coco being partners during their Reaper’s Game and it being the connection mentioned in That One Interview. That’s gonna be a whole separate essay one day, suffice to say for now that the Joshua from A New Day was reminiscent of the person he used to be, but twisted by Coco into a mocking caricature of himself.

(Coco doesn’t remember him, but she knows who he is. Joshua remembers her perfectly, but it doesn’t matter anymore.)

The Toxic Shithead Squad continues with Minamimoto. I have a LOT of thoughts about Joshua and Minamimoto.

By far the most interesting thing about W2 for me is just how much Joshua talks about Mina. Not just talks about, describes. He’s a math fetishist (rude) he’s an attention-seeker (rude…but fair) he’s the magic word I’ve been thinking about for the past two years: lonely. I think it’s incredibly interesting how many judgments of character Joshua makes about this guy despite the fact that we’re given no inclination to treat him as some sort of cat-whisperer or someone who’s in a position to understand Minamimoto at all. For the pure intrigue of it I like to see a lot of these calls as being accurate (idc if it’s cliche or corny, imply to me that Sho, somewhere in his heart of hearts, craves companionship and I will eat that shit up) but I also think that it’s equally interesting to question why Josh’s making these calls in the first place. Where's this stuff coming from? Why does he keep acting like he knows exactly what he's thinking?

I think Joshua sees a lot of himself in Minamimoto. Here’s a kid who’s deeply dissatisfied with the world around him, someone who thinks so little of other people that he, in his arrogance, is willing to reject every different thought, opinion, and action, shunning the people around him, treating them as little more than bugs he’s willing to step on in his all-consuming quest for the power to make something better than before: the world as it ends with him. Minamimoto isn’t just pursuing Joshua, he’s following his every footstep. Joshua sees this, recognizes it (though maybe not consciously) so that when he erases him he isn’t ridding himself of a potential threat or batting away this annoying little gnat that keeps interfering with his plans, symbolically he’s destroying himself. And if anything, isn’t that an act of mercy? Wouldn’t it be better to be dead than to waste away on his throne, watching a world he no longer recognizes slowly pass him by? Isn’t that what he wanted all along?

I think Joshua's story ended perfectly with twewy. I don't think there was anything left unresolved about it, and frankly I'm glad he barely had anything to do with the plot of neo. He made his choice. Was it the wrong one? Was there ever another option? Did he ever have a chance? Who knows! He's a walking worst-case-scenario and I love seeing how detached and apathetic he's become in neo, how he never let himself connect with Neku even though he gave him the chance (which was so, so much more than Joshua could ever have asked for), how Neku doesn't even seem to trust him anymore, how he's become little more than an anecdote in his life and the lives of is friends, a passing comment, a joke, a distant, sour memory. It's fantastic. I love Hachiko gang. I love fan content where they're all friends and Josh is this cryptic little sillyguy who has fun pushing all their buttons but is deeply unequivocally loved at the end of it all, but I hope that never happens in canon. I hope he stays a tragedy.

Happy birthday you little freak <3

[nebulousfishgills]

BROTHER YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME I'M IN DISTRESS

[daisydisciple]

People usually seem to mean something about service/giving when they talk about "the Christmas Spirit" but I think to me the primary characteristic feature of Christmas as a holiday is the spirit of anticipation.

That's like the whole point of the concept of advent, for one thing. In a way, we are honoring and embodying the anticipation of all who lived before Christ's coming and looked ahead to their redemption, "speaking of things to come as though they had already come," who looked forward with the eye of faith and prophecy. "The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined" wrote Isaiah, centuries before Christ's birth. They borrowed joy from the future, and we, in turn, borrow joy and anticipation from the past.

Whatever time of year Jesus was actually born, I do appreciate the symbolism of celebrating his coming shortly after the winter solstice—the greatest darkness has passed, and more light is yet to come. (And my southern hemisphere friends can enjoy basking in the most light the year has to offer—fitting in its own way). We superimpose the overarching narrative of mankind's redemption onto the smaller repeating seasons of our present lives, interpreting the unknown to the familiar. We celebrate the gifts of Christ in our personal, mundane little lives—service, forgiveness, charity, community, reconciliation, love. We fill the darkness with light in His honor.

And celebrating the past joy and anticipation of Christ's historical coming, along with our present holiday joy and anticipation also leads us to look forward to the future joys that will be ours because of Him. Some of my favorite Christmas carols are the ones that emphasize this: Jesus was "born that man no more may die," "to raise the sons of earth," "to give them second birth." "In His name all oppression shall cease." It isn't just that he was born—everyone that ever lived was born. We are celebrating everything that did and does and will happen because of his life and atonement and death and resurrection, including the things that haven't even happened yet. The great story of mankind's liberation from death and reconciliation with God isn't even over yet.

And so just like those of old who looked forward to Christ's coming, we today are also in a state of anticipation: that He will come again, that all of God's promises will be fulfilled, that we will live again with God in a state of glory. And so we, too, borrow joy from the future. "We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ."

As Christians, it is our right and our duty to embrace every joy—that of the past, that of the present, and that of the future. And that's what Christmas is about to me, ultimately.

[morgana-pendragon]

can i verbalise a selfish thought for a moment. dont read the tags if thatll bother you or anything

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[tentglitch]

Having the strong urge to just go into the wilderness and dissociate and forget I'm alive for a bit

[dinkyshrinks]

The other day I was looking through old photos for pictures of my sister's cat as a baby, and as I got closer, I gradually remembered that we got her just before I went. To.

Well.

...Anyways I don't want to talk about it exactly, but I did want to talk about how silly it is that every time I scroll back in my photos I think: "Why do I never look at these? Oh, yeah, fuck."