#what I’m talking about is the people who are convinced it’s like. self aware? lol

[crowcryptid]

do u think people would be less stupid about ai if it was called something else

Like if they knew it wasn’t “smart” and is instead plagiarizing would they stop worshiping it so much

Then again the people who are into it are nft cryptobros and very real business™️ people with real jobs that definitely aren’t fake (cough) who just want to fire anyone to save .1% of the company budget

so they’d probably fall for it anyway

It just seems like people are getting the wrong idea :p

[starryjkoo]

some random chronically online fandom and shipping thoughts #1

I just feel like ARMYs who are very obviously Y/N’s have NO reason to be judging shippers. I think it’s funny how some of them are so genuinely defensive and put off by shipping in a way I can tell is personal lol (it’s giving jealousy!). I totally understand people not liking shipping/shippers but I’ll never accept judgement from a Y/N, sorry! If you’re posting about only ONE member in a really thirsty manner after every AYS trailer and then turning around and saying “ugh, jkkrs are so annoying and delusional, jikook are brothers!” I know what you are! 🫵

slurping up all these AYS teasers like a starving animal but I’m starting to feel like they’re showing us too much now 😩 don’t spoil all the cute parts please BH!

only extremely sad and chronically online losers think that mass liking hate tweets actually means anything in the real world. a lot of these people need to get a life and go touch grass because the obsession with jm is truly weird and sad.

not everyone who wants th to appear in AYS is a tkkr, because it’s normal for ARMYs to want to see as many members as possible, but it’s kind of obvious with the ones who bring it up every chance they get lol, or the first thing they look for in a new AYS teaser, or just the specific way they talk about it. and my god are there a lot of tkkr ARMYs

I’m self aware that I’m pretty heavily biased, but there’s nothing worse than the ARMYs who hide under the OT7 visage but are CLEARLY heavily biased themselves. I simply do not like hypocrites, maybe some of them are in denial about it, idk. ofc there’s nothing worse than the ones who cosplay and try to create havoc in ARMY spaces, but that’s an entirely different thing. with that said, i’m convinced that at least 90% of active ARMYs are heavily biased at this point and we’d all be better off if they could simply just admit it.

perhaps this is my own bias so feel free to disagree, but imo ARMYs very clearly have a different sort of energy for jm antis and I think its partially because his hate has been so damn normalized in this fandom after years of tkkrs, but also because clearly a vast majority of the ARMY sh*oter accounts are diet solos and tkkrs and they always put an extra amount of scrutiny on things related to jm. they're also the first to bring shipper/solo drama into ARMY spaces (but only when it impacts their ship/bias) and they’re very clearly obviously lurking in solo/shipper territory to find it the way they do. the silence right now from certain accounts really does speak volumes.

sort of related, but the best way to gain a big following on ARMY twt is to get involved in whatever current drama is going on, for example MHJ drama, boycott drama, general fanwars. ARMYs will flock and mass follow these accounts, and a lot of them are diets who gain a platform and then spread their diet narratives later. one really good example is that elo person if anyone remembers all that, they literally were moots w/ tkk akgaes & calling them bestie but rebranded after they started gaining a mass following for “doxxing” and they started gaining attention because they were “debunking” the OG taennie icloud leaks (lol ofc they were a tkkr doing that). anyways they were awful and did a lot of harm, but they got that platform bc a lot of ARMYs flock to toxic accounts like that, especially when somethings going on, and then they’re impossible to cancel.

last shipping thought but we all know why tkkrs and y/n’s are jealous and weird towards jkk but sometimes its actually the same case for a lot of the other bts shippers, especially jk x hl shippers (like what's w/ all the j*nkookers lol) & yoonm*n. and there’s a lot of ARMYs who fall into this category actually. even if they don’t believe their ship is real, sometimes they still feel a bit passive aggressive/jealous bc they would prefer whatever content was with their bias/self-insert instead. theres so many jkk moments that have been really badly OT7’d, like I’ve never seen anything like the way almost the entire fandom rewrote history to make that jk binging jm content jk binging bts content (its legit wild to me).

and ill never forget during the disney docu when someone pointed out how jk likely knew jms apartment password and it got ratio’d at over 4k by someone saying “he probably knows all his hyungs passwords!” and it wasn’t even funny or clever lmao, it was very much giving

anyways, i believe this is one of the reasons sometimes ARMYs at large are weird towards jkk bc even outside of just tkkrs there are a LOT of HL shippers who take it pretty personally, especially if they’re the sort that projects onto one of the members in their ship. tbh, even if it’s not shipping, it’s a bias line thing where they want to fight over jm/jk being closer to their bias than they are to each other.

its whatever and just a petty complaint lol, i dont care who ppl ship/bias but i do find it annoying sometimes bc there are always ppl constantly downplaying jkks friendship and picking it apart and trying to OT7-ify it more than any other duo. its like ppl are really obsessed & its tiring. just give jkk their flowers sometimes and move on, you know? you definitely do not need to ship them or see them as romantic, but just respect their bond and the things about it that are unique to them, god

alright was just getting this out of my system because I was focused on positive vibes only for MUSE, will be going back to (mostly) positive vibes for AYS!

[aregularhuman]

idk if this is controversial but is the neurodivergent label actually helpful outside of activism? like as an allistic adhd person i only relate occasionally to autistic people (mainly sensory issues tbh or social stuff but then again i have mad anxiety) n p much not at all to dyslexic/dyspraxic/etc people (the question of whether ocd n bpd are considered neurodivergencies is another question). but i keep seeing videos n stuff about ‘nd traits’ or ‘calling all nds’ and it seems like it’s become a quirky shorthand mainly used by autistic/audhd people that doesn’t feel like it includes nd allistics? im not saying everything should be focused around me me me, just that if you mean autistic just say autistic rather than neurodivergent.

I guess this kinda ties in with the whole (saw a tiktok and did no actual research) self diagnosis/quirkification of nd + mental illness online. (I’m v much pro informed self dx bc of costs n accessibility n consequences of having an official dx esp for autistics w housing n kids). I also think even if ur diagnosed making light hearted ‘put a finger down nd edition’ videos should b done w caution bc they often inadvertently contribute to the trivialisation of the struggles faced by nd ppl. you have to be aware of who your content reaches- tt/ insta is v different from tumblr/reddit lol.

and while I’m on this rant I hate the ‘neurotypical bad and complicated, neurodivergent good and direct’ narrative too. neither is good nor bad, just different. you gotta find your people because no one owes it to you to change their entire communication style just for you. just like I have to make an effort to do small talk etc with nts I have to focus on what I’m saying and explicitly spell out certain things when talking to my autistic friends. I understand people are hurt by nts being unaccepting and actually ableist and so go into this ‘I’m special and better than them’ mindset but it’s just not helpful imo.

I also feel like nd people find it hard to accept that you can be hella annoying and people finding you annoying isn’t ableist. I can be annoying as fuck and I try not to be- instead of going ‘ugh I can’t help interrupting people all the time and never letting them finish a thought- they’re being ableist’, I try n number the ideas I’m having and wait for the other person to finish or say ‘hey can I quickly add something before I forget and then you can continue’ and listen if they tell me to hold on a sec. relationships are about compromise n that’s not ableist.

maybe it’s just me not feeling like I fit in the ‘adhd is a gift’ narrative or the neurodivergent movement. I hate having adhd and would do anything to not have it. I do struggle to call it a disability tbh but I accept that that’s partially internalized ableism bc I can temporarily convince myself that I can function unmedicated n then I have exams n I fall apart…

anyway if anyone has thoughts pls do lmk

[makeyoumine69]

Hi, I’m so sorry if this is an inconvenience, but I thought you’d be able to help me with something because you’re Patrick’s favorite 🥰🥰

So… okay. Very weird situation I’m in, but. like. I have always loved self shipping. Especially with villains. I have always thought of myself as the “exception” where they could be horrible to everyone, but be kind to me, if I were a character in their show or movie or book. But then I spent all of 2022 and 2023 being abused, I have now been convinced that love comes with conditions, and it’s affected my self shipping too. even though I have escaped my abusive situation, the damage still lingers. I’ve been trying very hard for to heal from what happened to me, yet self shipping is still something very difficult for me to do now, when it used to be the easiest thing in the world. Even with non-villains, I still think I am unable to receive kindness unless it is in the form of violence.

Well, I watched American Psycho a few days ago, and I really fell for Pat. Like. Really fell for him, for some godforsaken reason lol?? And for a few days, I genuinely felt good with him, I felt safe, like he couldn’t harm me. I felt like the exception. This was my first time feeling genuinely good while self shipping again. I thought he’d never hurt me simply because he likes me enough to want me to feel loved and safe with him. That he could be horribly violent to everyone in the world, but with me it’d be so different. I spent all of yesterday feeling so proud of the progress I am making in my healing and genuinely feeling so loved and happy. Imagining him giving me flowers, admiring the star clips in my hair, liking my freckles and counting them. Fluffy romantic stuff haha. I have even thought of him protecting me, him knowing my past of being hurt, him being so overwhelmed with rage on my behalf and vowing to never make me feel scared like other people did. I have thought of him as a… very violent guard dog boyfriend 😂

But fast forward to this morning, I am talking to one of my friends who is also into self shipping, about to announce my exciting news that I am finally on the path to healing, that I feel really good drawing myself and writing myself with a very sick, twisted, violent murderous villain, and maybe that means I can feel good with other characters someday too. But my friend said very casually about how Patrick is shallow and a misogynist, which… yes, he is, I am aware 😭 and they kept going on about how he’d never love a girl who isn’t super thin and Hollywood attractive. And it felt like a punch to the guts. I realized I would never ever be attractive to Pat. I feel. disgusting. I feel… like the exact opposite of everything he’d desire, now that my friend had made me think about it: I’m not thin, I’m very chubby with a round stomach, I have freckles, glasses, I don’t even have nice nails because I bite them, and my teeth aren’t white because a side effect of my antidepressant yellows them a bit — I am just. feeling too unattractive to Bateman. Not to say that any of these traits are unattractive, I just feel like… *Pat* wouldn’t like them, wouldn’t like ME specifically. Having a combination of all of these makes me feel… Undesirable to him. Not the exception anymore. And that kills me. I feel so hurt and heartbroken. It was the first time in a year that I was finally started to feel good self shipping again ;-; and now I cannot bring myself to indulge any romantic ideas with him anymore. I feel very stupid for allowing myself to have feelings.

Days ago, I went into his tag to look at photos of him, and found your blog, and remembered you seem to write for him, so you’d know him better than anyone else. I know it’s highly unrealistic for him to like me, but could you tell me how he’d maybe find someone like me attractive, even if I’m not conventionally attractive? It doesn’t have to be a drabble or a fic at all, I’m just asking for uh, reassurance, I suppose. I’m so sorry to come to you and bother you with this but I have been crying about it all day and I thought I’d ask for your perspective on the matter :’) anyway, I’m so sorry, if you don’t want to reply, please don’t worry about it. thank you very much for your time. I hope you have a good New Years and please take care 💙💙💙

Hello my dear anon! 💕 First of all, I want to thank you for putting so much effort into writing this - I can relate to all of this because most of my irl friends call me crazy when I say that Patrick Bateman is my comfort character, and it really sucks. It took me a long time to realize that the most important thing is not someone else's opinion, but how your crush makes you feel. In my darkest days, Patrick was my savior, and I would never trade that feeling of comfort for someone else's opinion. And I'm not a model either, but I will tell you this - Patrick's taste in dates and his obsession with being perfect in everything was driven by the society he lived in. Only God knows what his real preferences in dates were. Remember, he seems to only love blondes, but his ex-girlfriend Bethany was a brunette and, in my opinion, she contributed a lot to his self-destruction and loss of sanity. So, my point is pretty simple - you may think your imperfections are bad, but to another person they could be the rarest of diamonds, because we are who we are, some people are just afraid to show their true selves. Patrick is exactly that kind of person. Speaking of writing - you can come into my DM, and I'd be happy to talk to you about anything! Please don't cry! I'm eager to do whatever I can to help you!

[may-bonne]

I’m brand new here but what is WITH the way people write Letty? I mean I know what’s with it but like what is WITH it?

oh boy. this has pissed me off nonstop for three years, so i hope you wanted ALL my thoughts on it lol

jesus christ, i KNOW (and the same goes for mia). people are interested in writing dombrian, but oh no! there's a pesky woman in the way!! what to do with her? instead of actually exploring why her and dom's relationship might come to an end (and there are PLENTY of fucking reasons but that would require more than five seconds of thought about letty's character) or just writing her out, she HAS to be turned into a cartoonishly evil bitch so that dom can dump her without feeling bad and get with a guy. there is also such a gross misogynist tendency to make letty and not vince the one who can't come around to brian (i think vince/brian fics honestly treat letty worse if anything, because then letty has to be the outlier in the group) and then to paint that as completely irrational of her. like, number one, if she's jealous, i think that's completely reasonable! number two, if she didn't trust him from the get-go (which i don't even think is true because she's the one telling dom to let him date mia), she was ABSOLUTELY in the right because he was a fucking cop! and so many fics have everybody else totally willing to just handwave that thirty seconds after the job went to shit so that they don't have to put any work into having brian regain everyone's trust and instead everyone must chastise letty for what a huge cunt she's being just because she doesn't want him around.

the thing that bugs me is that so many of them seem to have no self-awareness and genuinely think there is, like, textual support for that interpretation. there's this one fic on ao3 set during the first movie where brian keeps trying (weeping manpain tears all the while) to hold an intervention with dom because it's clear that letty is domestically abusing him?? okay, maybe this is an interesting issue to explore, but i'm sorry - you are going to need to work harder to convince me that letty is slapping him around behind the scenes because NOTHING she does in the first movie suggests that. so many fics take the "i smell skanks" thing and are like, she doesn't let dom talk to ANYBODY!! how dare she!!! but he already cheated on her with tran's sister! and i don't really think he cares!

i just don't get it because, like - dom can break up with letty! dom can realize he would rather be with brian and it doesn't have to be because letty's hitting him or whatever. or letty can break up with him because she can't forgive him for how the last job went or because she realizes she's eighteen and doesn't actually want to be with the guy she idolized as a fifteen-year-old! she can get with mia! (that's just my own bias, lol). it's honestly not that hard to just write her off early in a way that doesn't completely butcher her character. i also think it's much more interesting to acknowledge that dom and letty have history and that that will complicate his relationship with brian but authors want it to be this one-dimensional one-in-one-out thing instead. she can be upset! she can be homophobic and i genuinely think that could be done well but it never is.

but, like, it's also just racism. it's just straight-up racism because when authors aren't interested in actually exploring her character they just default to her being an angry latina. there are so many fics that are fucking weird about describing her and go out of their way to be like "she had dark caramel skin and dom was SICK of her hot-blooded latin ways!!" and then make the clumsiest attempt to introduce blonde blue-eyed brian as her polar opposite and don't seem aware of the implications at all. khaleesian's nothing but trouble is the only fic i can think of that actually pulls that off and it's because the metaphor is much more subtle and focused on dom's relationships with brian and letty and not on their individual appearances or personalities. but like ninety-nine percent of the time it is SO ham-handed. i read a fic forever ago that would NOT stop calling her "the latina grease monkey" which is such a stupid and charged choice of epithet

finally there's that one soulmate AU and i could talk for another six paragraphs about how that one butchers letty. yeah, right, letty in 2001 would be really into sex positivity. my working theory is that the author watched a friends rerun while reading a little life and somehow mistook that for the first fast & furious movie

(also, welcome!! i'm glad you're here! we always need numbers lol)

[earthstellar]

reminder for healthcare staff: the 14th is Valentine’s Day, if someone asks you out on this date specifically for non-work related activities, then you might be getting asked on a date. evaluate accordingly. you’re welcome

fully convinced that all of us working in any capacity in healthcare are all so fucking oblivious to getting hit on 

I genuinely was talking to a junior doctor over the phone real quick and in like a five minute conversation this poor dude was like “haha yeah my friend X [who I am aware is also a junior doctor, but is working at another hospital currently] was asking me what I was doing on the 14th--”

and I was like “ooh, Valentine’s Day”

and he paused 

and I swear to god I could hear his brain going “OH FUCK DOES SHE LIKE ME” in real time, lmao. it didn’t register to him before this very moment 

so I asked him if he wanted me to like, see if we could find cover for him, maybe he should like, call her back at his next break, immediately maybe. does he know any consultants that might be available or what, like, how can I help here my dude LOL 

and he was like “YES-- yes, that would be great, cheers- if you could I’d really appreciate it” lmao 

of course, I fully admit I am not any better. 

in fact I am worse, quite possibly.

if you think you’re oblivious to getting hit on, you will never defeat me in the realm of “ignorance around being crushed on”, I’m telling you:

long story short I have fucked up catastrophically on three notable occasions, one in which, many years ago... oh god here we go 

I was taking a nap with Z at their flat and tl;dr I woke up first and since we had to go to an event in like an hour I went to wake them up and the first thing out of their just-waking-up mouth was “I love you” and I was like aww they’re dreamin’ about a crush 

I was too fucking oblivious to realise it was me, I was the crush. 

I only found out that I was, in fact, the crush once they moved back to Poland and I was like WOW I COULD NOT HAVE FUCKED UP WORSE lmao holy shit 

now, you might think that 1) sleeping in the same bed as them 2) in retrospect, being very friendly and getting along extremely well all around and 3) having been friend like this for a reasonably long time may have all been contributing elements that may have tipped me off that I was, in fact, the crush they was talking about while still in a partial state of sleep, before they were fully conscious and able to self-censor 

however, I am a fucking dingus, and at NO POINT did I ever think, “hey maybe this person who has just said “I love you” upon waking up in a bed we have just been sharing may or may not be referring to me” 

truly. truly it did not occur to me as a possibility. I found out, genuinely, years later. YEARS LATER. 

so I mean, that’s not even the worst one. believe me I am so fucking oblivious. oh my god it’s so bad 

but why is it such a trend that healthcare staff, in so many cases, just cannot register for shit when we have some Relationship Potential going on??? these are not isolated events LOL 

why am I talking about this on my Transformers blog? 

welllll

I just assume that medic bots are more or less like this, too-- maybe not all of them, but many of them 

even after living together on the Lost Light, it took a reasonably long time for IDW 1 Ratchet to seemingly realise that maybe he should go get his not-boyfriend so he can maybe become his actual boyfriend/conjunx like maybe he should fucking go find him!!!  where is Drift!!! 

like it took him that long to think “oh fuck maybe I have a crush on this doofus I constantly hang out with and complain with and share some reasonably significant history with” 

and I feel that. I really do, lmao oh godddd  

and we don’t see many, if any, of the other medics in confirmed relationships/conjunx arrangements 

I suspect that if Ambulon survived, it’s entirely possible First Aid might have eventually developed some kind of a more involved relationship with him, but that’s just my personal take on that whole situation 

given what I’ve seen IRL, it seems to be a common problem with healthcare people that we just CANNOT understand when a potential relationship is presenting itself as an opportunity 

it’s not everyone, but it sure is a lot of us 

part of this is quite possibly just the workload and nature of the work, which is probably doing uniquely fucked up things to our brains in regards to how we understand social cues/other people and how we interpret certain situations 

and I also genuinely believe a lot of people that work in healthcare almost certainly have undiagnosed neurodivergencies which may explain some of how we seem to perpetually miss social cues etc. (at least to some degree and again, it’s not all of us, just very possibly a lot of us) 

but idk I feel like we sort of see this possibility in various Transformers continuities, too, where medic characters are often just not quite socially aware or might engage socially but miss the mark a little repeatedly etc. (Cyberverse Ratchet in the dance party scene comes to mind, where he’s info dumping about a surgical procedure during a soiree) 

(I will eventually write a very long post about neurodivergency and neuro diversity in Transformers media, both canonical and non-canonical, at some point in the future so I won’t elaborate too much at the moment) 

anyway 

I’m super tired so I don’t even know if this is coherent, but I thought I’d share because damn I hope these junior docs get to go on their date, LMAO 

[222dadon]

No Love Lost

Love is such a complicated topic to speak on because most of what I have to say about it is not really about “love” itself, rather the experiences that I had while in the midst of it. A lot of my experiences I’m still healing from so I’ll try my best to put into words what I have in my head. 

I started dating my first boyfriend on April 16th of 2018. (We’ll call him G lol) I was 1 month away from graduation, young, naive and desperate for the feeling of acceptance. Before G, the only men that wanted to speak to me were ones who wanted to sleep with me. I wasn’t really looking for anything serious, I mean I was only 17 and was excited for what life had in store for me after graduation. Plus he lived in California so we only ever spoke on the phone or through text. But G really had a way with words and a sense of humor so similar to mine. When we first started talking all he ever wanted to talk about was me. He wanted to get to know ME, not my body. You have no fucking idea how refreshing that was. He was playing college football at the time but always made time for me and that made me feel so good. No one had ever made time for me before. He listened to me talk about nothing and cry about everything. He was good. And I fell so fucking hard for him. 

I was insecure and had little to no self awareness at that time. I didn’t realize how damaging my actions could be to someone else. So, I cheated. I started sleeping with someone else (my baby daddy lol). The first time I did it, I told G and then cried at the thought of losing him. I cried at the possibility of losing the voice that soothed me to sleep for so many nights. I was so sure that he would never want to speak to me again. But he forgave me. 2 weeks later, we shared our social media passwords with each other because we wanted to make our relationship feel a bit more real. (Pfft.) When I logged into his, I got the wind knocked out of me by the realization that I was also being cheated on. Karma is a bitch and she wasted no time showing me that lol. He had tried to hide it but intuition was burning my insides and so I dug until I uncovered what was so sloppily put away. I found messages from his ex-girlfirend (who stalked and harassed me constantly lol)  and other women that he had once told me not to worry about. My heart sank at the realization that I had never been the only one. I wasn’t prepared for the gut wrenching feeling I got reading his conversations with them or the flood of questions that threatened to drown me. I didn’t scream or yell or confront him. I just cried. I cried until I fell asleep. The next morning he woke up and saw I had blocked him so he found a different way to reach out to me. He apologized and I forgave him. I was also still cheating on him with my baby daddy so I thought that we were even. (Stupid huh? lol)

As time went on, he continued to cheat on me and I did the same. Then one day, I took a pregnancy test and that motherfucker came back positive lol. Those 2 lines should have been enough to end our relationship but I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to admit that I was knowingly hurting someone. I didn’t want to be alone. So I never told G. I thought that somehow I could get away with having another man’s baby and everything would be okay. The Universe laughed at me lol and threw everything at me to make sure that our relationship definitely was NOT okay. As time went on, me and G slowly became different people than the ones we fell in love with. He gaslighted me, became short tempered with me and continued to cheat. I thought that because I was still cheating on him and that he didn’t know I was pregnant, that I had to put up with the verbal/mental abuse. As long as it made us even.(DELUSIONAL am I right? lmao) I know it sounds horrible and like we had NO business being together. But when the sun went down and the only voices we heard were each others, we convinced ourselves that nothing else mattered and that love would be enough to keep us going. We created a little heaven for ourselves to escape to when the pain we caused was too much. It was warm when he wasn’t and loved me when he didn’t. I went there so often that I confused it with reality. 

The next year in February (2019) he came down to Utah to visit. He didn’t notice I was pregnant and I pretended not to notice the girls in his phone. I fell more in love with him though and promised myself that I would never cheat again. And I didn’t. He promised me too… but did lol. I still hadn’t told him that I was pregnant but then the day came that I gave birth. (May 2019) When I finally got home from the hospital, I called him and told him. To my surprise, G didn’t get mad. He just cried and told me he’d call me back. When he did, he told me that he still wants to be with me and that he’s moving to Utah to help me raise my son. In the back of my head I knew that we should’ve ended things right then and there but I thought that maybe this way I could atone for my lies. Still in shock, I bought the ticket and by the end of that week we were together again. I felt so grateful that he was willing to forgive me and take on my son as if he were his. So grateful that I was willing to forgive anything.I forgave him when he texted his ex next to me in bed. I forgave him when he fell asleep on the phone with her while holding me in his arms as I slept next to him. I listened to him when he told me that he could have my passwords to everything but I couldn’t have his. I listened to him when he told me I wasn’t allowed to know who he was texting or on the phone with. I listened. I forgave. Then I listened and forgave some more. 

By October of 2019, G and I had gotten our own apartment. We even got a job together. I thought that if we were with each other every second of every single day that there would be no time left for him to hurt me. But when the sun went down, he stopped meeting me in our heaven. He was with me in person but his mind and his words were being given to others. He cheated on me every day. He was making time for them like he used to make time for me and I just couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand how we had gotten here or when being together started to hurt so much. The pain made me hate myself. I hated how I looked, how I was and I questioned why I wasn’t good enough for him. Then the fighting started to get worse. We started to get physical with each other. I pulled a knife on him a couple times, burned his stuff and he would push and throw me around. But even when he would, I would cry and tell him that I love him. He’d call me the ugliest things and yet I chose to see the good in him even if he didn’t show it to me anymore.  I’d beg him to stop with tears in my eyes but he never did. He’d leave and I’d chase after him asking him to come home. When he would throw me down, I would still get up and reach for him. Anything he did to me, I forgave. I thought that maybe if I waited and was good to him that he would stop hurting me. I thought that he just needed time to remember that he loves me. Maybe the G that I fell in love with would come back and take me away from the person he had become. He never did but I still  loved him through it all. The bad, the ugly and the unforgivable. And when I would think that I had used all of my forgiveness on him, I’d end up tearing myself apart until I found more.

In 2020 we moved into my moms house and things got worse. The distance he put between us grew and he was cheating on me even more. I was the most miserable I had ever been. I didn’t recognize myself at all. The only thing that was constant, were the tears. I’d cry to him and ask him why. Why does he do this to me? Why am I not enough for him? He never gave an answer.  Eventually he started getting annoyed by me being sad. So instead of crying, I’d go to sleep scared that if I reacted how I wanted to that he would leave. I had never felt so alone in my life and I was so tired of it. So I ended up stepping out of my relationship and sleeping with my son’s dad in March of 2020. I became everything that I hated about G and for some reason after that, I just knew that we were going to end soon. The next month, I found out he was cheating on me again. Two fucking days after our 2nd year anniversary. (What an asshole lol) So in the morning I told him he needed to leave and that it was over. I don’t really know how to explain it. After 2 years of begging and pleading, one day I just woke up and was done. 

Everything in my body was screaming at me to stay. My mind kept trying to force me to remember everything that would normally make me give in to him asking for forgiveness. Even after everything he put me through, I still had to force my arms to not reach for him. This was the first time that his eyes were on me and me alone but I forced mine to look away. Almost every part of me wanted to take back what I said and let him come home. I knew he would never change. For so long he would break my heart and I would desperately pick up the pieces thinking that if I kept giving them to him that he would be able to make me whole again. But even in it’s shattered state, my heart wouldn’t let me do it this time. 

Our love story was a complicated one. In the beginning we were so eager to begin writing it that we started our journey without asking ourselves if we were ready. Pens in hand we etched our love for eachother into the universe. We encapsulated every happy moment we shared into our little book in hopes of being able to reread it some day and smile. But somewhere down the line, his eagerness faded and he put down his pen. I thought maybe he just needed a break. So I kept writing of our love on my own. I pushed past the pain, the struggle, the betrayal, the tears and forced myself to continue our story because I didn’t want it to be done. But there were so many blank pages where his words should have been and I was forced to give up. I mourned it for so long. I mourned what it could have been and what I once wanted it to be. I mourned the happy ever after that i never got. I gave him all of my love for 2 years and it took me 2 more years to eventually get it back and accept that we weren’t meant to be. 

Our story had a sad ending and if you read it you would see the tear stained pages on the last chapters. But our beginning was something worth exploring and the middle is what I’ll remember it as. 

Lessons I Learned From It

Love is hard but love shouldn’t hurt. 

Listen to your heart when it is trying to protect you. 

When people show you in their actions how much they value you and your presence, LISTEN.

It is better to be alone than in bad company. Even if being alone is scary.

It doesn’t matter if when it’s good it’s good, if when it’s bad it’s heartbreaking. 

Healing takes time so be patient with yourself.

Your intuition is stronger than you think. 

Even when it’s hard, love yourself enough to pick yourself up. 

What is meant for you, will come easily. 

People are worth fighting for, but fighting for people to see your worth, is not worth it.

We put up with what we think we deserve.

Remember that you deserve everything good.  

I don’t know if anyone is reading this or if anyone ever will. But if you’re going through something similar, I hope you find the strength to make it out. If you can’t, I hope you can read my words and take a little bit of mine. 

[hismercytomyjustice]

I will say, unfortunately (from personal experience), to have the same or a similar mindset when it comes to family. Never loan out more than you’re willing to permanently lose.

I don’t regret helping family, but I wish I hadn’t been so convinced I’d be paid back because, lol, that never fucking happened.

Keep that kind of thing in mind when letting others (family or friends) crash at your place too. I’ve done this 3x now (once family and twice friends) and it ended badly 3 out of 3 times. It is wild how people you’ve known for 10+ years and think you can trust are capable of abusing that trust.

Obviously I’m not saying everyone is like this or that you shouldn’t help others, but make sure you have some hard and fast rules in place (ex. contributing to rent/bills, whether or not guests staying over for multiple days at a time are allowed, cleaning responsibilities, what’s considered communal, etc).

And, even more importantly, have an end date or (bare minimum) a check in/renegotiation date in mind. One night can easily turn into two weeks or 3+ months. Ask me how I know. (ㆆ ᴗ ㆆ)

Same in situations where you’re offering extensive moral support or other forms of assistance/care for prolonged periods of time. Be sure to take care of yourself too because caregiver fatigue/butnout is fucking real.

Make sure your own cup is full before you start filling everyone else’s. You can’t help others if you don’t help yourself first. And don’t be afraid to set boundaries if you need to, whether it’s “you cannot call me and expect me to talk to you on the phone for 2+ hours a day every day for a year,” or “I can help you look after your pet, but not forever” (that one lasted 9 months and would’ve been longer…), or “you need to speak to a professional about this because I am not qualified to be your therapist, though I’m happy to listen as a friend/family member.”

Or you too can enjoy the excitement of a complete and total mental breakdown you’re still recovering from years later! Yay! •ᴗ•

God I wish all of the above were not real personal examples…

I mean, I hope you don’t wind up with people in your life who take advantage of your help/generosity, but it doesn’t hurt to be cautious, realistic, or clear when offering to provide assistance. Just in case.

And even with so many terrible experiences under my belt, I still want to help my family/friends when I can. But I’m now much more self-aware of what I can and can’t do as well as should and shouldn’t do.

And lemme tell ya, it would’ve been much easier to set boundaries like that up front rather than feeling like you’re slowly sinking into quicksand until your brain literally fucking breaks!

It is just absolutely fucking miserable and if I can save anyone else from winding up that far in the deep end by sharing all this, it will have been well worth it.

You want some serious old fart advice? Never, ever lend your friends more money than you think you can lose permanently. I don't fucking care if they say they'll pay you back. I don't care how small the amount is. Write that shit off as gone in your mind. It will eat at you forever if you don't.

Some people say the same thing about family, but I think it applies more to friends. Family is (usually) held together by obligations the way friends aren't. And money is a huge stressor in all kinds of relationships, not just romantic.

I'm not saying this to bum you out. I'm telling you because this is not something you want to learn on your own. Because it fucking sucks to realize it's one reason you're no longer friends, whether you were necessarily aware of it or not.

[ivan-is-autistic]

12/25/23 - it wasn’t okay. content warning for shitty exes, a shitty roommate, and the trauma they caused me. i’m still processing the trauma from being a confused and mistreated autistic adult before i knew i was autistic, and the continuation of my mistreatment even when i knew and tried to advocate for myself.

it wasn’t okay for my ex “A” and his family to tell me i was ruining their fun on their trip because i got overstimulated from all the drinking and loud music and told him i needed to lie down for a bit. his entire family called me rude for stepping away and he told me to apologize to them over breakfast for what i had done. i felt guilty so i did . i now know that i was having an autistic meltdown and needed quiet time to retreat, they were all gaslighting me and convincing me that i was a horrible person for needing to lie down and that wasn’t okay.

it wasnt okay for my ex “R” to beg me to let him move in when we had just met, even if he was also a trans man who needed help and wanted to live away from his family. he was a stranger i had been seeing for like 2 weeks and i didnt have to say yes just because he was being pushy and i felt bad. it wasnt okay for him to spend all his money at the bar instead of helping with rent and it wasn’t okay for him to scream at me and be mean to me, even if he was self aware and getting therapy. im proud of myself for eventually standing up to him and kicking him out.

it wasn’t okay for my latest roommate to be dismissive of my needs that were very small/reasonable asks and continually not consider me in decisions that greatly affected me or my pets. it wasnt okay for her to make careless decisions that traumatized me and my cat and belittle my experience and make me feel small so that she could avoid taking accountability for her roles in the situations and avoid apologizing for literally anything at all. it wasn’t okay for her to continually flip the conversation back onto me and the little mistakes i made and make that the focus so she could avoid talking about her big ones that actually negatively affected people and animals. it wasnt okay for her to project her insecurities and flaws onto me so that i looked like an awful person in front of the other roommate. or to call me crazy and attempt to make me question my reality. it wasnt okay for her to lie and gossip about me, and it also wasn’t okay for the other roommate to enable her behavior and go along with her instead of taking a moment to hear my perspective. literally not a single thing she did to me was okay, not even the nice thing she did in the beginning because she later used it against me. whats even worse is i repeatedly told her im autistic and have trouble with communication (i told her im better over text and tend to be wordy and have situational mutism in person) and she was dismissive of that, said she wasnt gonna read my “essays” and suggested i get ABA and a “real diagnosis”, lol. obviously its already messed up to manipulate and bully someone, but i’m speechless at the fact she was told im autistic and have a history of being mistreated in part because of that, and she still chose to further traumatize an autistic person because she was allergic to the word sorry and didn’t want a “weird” (autistic) person around her friend circle. so she made up some BS to turn the other roommate against me and get me kicked out. it wasnt okay for her to do any of that and make me lose a job i liked and that paid well. i had to say goodbye to a nice safe place (well, physically safe) to live and a close job working with animals all because this person didn’t want to acknowledge her wrongdoings or work on her internalized ableism. living with me required minor accommodations (like reading a few extra sentences and only sticking to washing our own dishes) and self reflection. and that was just way too much for her. now i’ve had to uproot my entire life, move 2 hrs away and once again attempt to find employment that doesnt make me wanna Ya Know, and a new place to live that hopefully won’t be falling apart and unsafe to live in. and also find another roommate since i cant afford to live on my own. this is all extremely difficult to find being autistic, trans, without a car, and making 15/hr or less because no jobs close enough to get to will pay more. fuck you old roommates, i hope you have the day you deserve.

[neverluckygoldfish]

28 -

Well, I feel like shit. Or rather, I feel really apathetic and hopeless and frustrated.

My close friend (my maid of honor) told me she doesn’t want to be part of the wedding or attend it. She’s ghosted me since the “ rock bottom weekend that I can’t talk about”. I’ve tried to open up the door for conversation so she can share with me how she felt and she can be heard, but she hasn’t let it budge an inch. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised - not everyone is entitled to forgive. People can say “that’s your shit, I see it & am proud of you for owning it but I want no part”. I have to respect others where they are at.

I guess I hate that she feels badly (or whatever she feels because truly she hasn’t told me) and that I had a hand in it. Frustrated that I can’t fix it. Guilt that she doesn’t feel comfortable enough in our relationship to have a conversation about it. Hurt that she doesn’t think having a conversation is worth it. I hate that she cared about me - that she put time, effort, and money into planning a weekend for me - and me/the situation made her regret it.

And also I feel irritated and angry that she doesn’t want to talk to me. I like to think I’m a pretty understanding person. What the fuck? Why are people so quick to write someone off and not even let them know the why.

Sounding like a true woe-is-me addict here when I say that but hey, this is my safe space for honesty.

So trying to process that. While still trying to remember to eat, drink water, sleep, not isolate. The LAST fucking thing I want to do right now is go to a meeting. But I’m going and I told a few people so they’d hold my ass accountable.

I’m struggling to remember the basics lately and it’s making me feel pessimistic.

Also, I fell asleep on my arm in a weird position and now it hurts.

I feel tempted to erase any record of me and just start over. But then I feel a sense of “but what if it turns out that no one actually cares?”.

Everyone is about as wrapped up in their head as I am. No one does care. It’s a good thing actually, takes away the spotlight effect. But it’s a bad thing, because it feels like I don’t matter. And if I don’t matter, then what’s the fucking point?

Some positivity in an effort to convince the rude voice in my head that the world isn’t ending, people don’t always leave, I’m a good person even if I don’t get it right every time, that there is a greater point and purpose to it all, that I will find self-assurance and happiness:

Still sober! Day 64.

I did opposite action today from DBT. Instead of isolating and avoiding, I shared my feelings. Now I’m going to this meeting I don’t want to go to.

I checked in with my body: took a shower, drank some water, ate some food (read: NOT candy lol)

My mom said she sees me as my own person now and respects that I make my own choices. That she’s proud of me.

Even though I have one friend who isn’t a fan of me, I have at least 5 other ones who are rooting for me.

My dog loves me and still follows me around even though I got really mad at her and made her feel bad.

I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I have enough clothes that I can choose my outfit for the day. I have socks.

Ok so vanity - my acne is pretty much gone & my skin looks great!! The pigmentation is fading.

I’m employable.

We got a beautiful apartment with floor to ceiling windows. I’m moving to a city I have always dreamed of moving to.

I get the opportunity to start over.

I’ve gained some weight and my body isn’t a skeleton any more. I don’t get vertigo every time I stand up.

I can talk myself through a craving until it passes.

I am self-aware. I am kind. I am trying to be a better person every single day. It could be worse right?

Well. That’s where I’m at. Hopefully it gets better.

Each day a little better and brighter except I really don’t feel that shit today and I’m just saying it because I have some hope it’ll work.

[antixs]

Long time, no see

This is a rant btw. I feel so negative and angry towards myself and others. I feel like everyone hates me aka my coworkers who are like my only friends. I had this big goal of moving to Utah and working as a ski bum and I am here doing just that and now what??? I feel stuck and there's nothing else to look forward to. I'm terribly sick and I am convinced my emotional health is making it worse. I need emotional support and I feel I am lacking it. I moved away from all my support systems and completely isolated myself. The universe keeps throwing me challenges one after the other. I feel like I am not handling them well and I can't seem to get a grip. I am trying so hard to take care of myself. I was doing so much better alone in a hotel room. I feel like I haven't found my people and they are judging me. I stand out and I’m kinda over it. I came here so grateful and kind and I have lost it in the process. I have turned into a miserable, emotional, pity party. Who would want to be surrounded by that? I know I wouldn't. I love myself but I am lacking self love. I thought I found it but I think I am just faking it or I lost it somewhere along the way. I need people, I’ll admit it. I need people who accept me and love me. People who are like me and relate to me. People who will tell me as it is and stand up to me. I think I am getting sicker cause I am scared to go back to work and face these people. I seem desperate and clingy and needy. That is unattractive and I know that. But when everyone around me has people and I feel so alone how can I not cling to everyone. I am currently sleeping in a 10 year olds bedroom in a mormon house lol I am so grateful she opened her doors for me. But this isn't what I was expecting and this journey is harder than I anticipated. I cannot seem to stop the negative self talk and it is eating me alive. I do not know how to fix my situation. I do not have a place of my own. I do not have people to rely on. I know I need to just work on myself but that shit is hard. I am such a people pleaser and I want to be liked and adored so bad. I think isolating myself with new people for my birthday really hurt. Especially when people don’t respond to my texts. I feel like I pour so much love out to everyone and it isn’t returned but why should it be lol. I should be pouring that love into myself. I think I want to be loved and validated so bad I will do anything at this point, and that is sooo desperate. At least I am self aware lol. I never envisioned my 23 birthday to be laying in bed sick with no one (but luckily my one friend Val who is amazing) responding. I feel hurt and genuinely sad. I try to be such a nice person and considerate to others feelings and I feel like people dont take my feelings into consideration. Maybe this is me just continuing to be a pity party but I am hurt and I do not know how to cope. I figured journaling my thoughts would bring me some closure and maybe it did. I don’t know where to turn. I just want to be cared for and I do not know how to ask for that. I wish I could be independent actually and not just fling myself across the states on a whim just to feel alone and miserable lol. Hopefully this release of emotions will set me free. I am also angry...soooo angry. Angry at everyone around me and myself. I love myself but I wish others loved me too. Why do I crave the love and validation of others so much?? Is it because for the first time I am alone entirely. Yes I have made friends but they are so fresh and new. I feel like I am just unloading my emotional baggage on them and I do not know how to just STFU. I wish I could stop oversharing and talking all the time. Maybe that's a gift but I can sense I am driving the people around me away from me. Maybe I am not and this is all in my head. I need to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are busy and dealing with their own shit. They don’t have time to think about Emily and her stupid little emotions. This is the ADHD taking over. I am all over the place and I never know when to hold my damn tongue. This is turning into self hatred but at least I am getting it out. I want to be better, be more positive, be more productive, be more free. What is freedom. The option of doing whatever I want, whenever I want. The best piece of advice I got was for every action you take, there is a consequence whether that be positive or negative, I just have to accept the consequences for my actions. I high key am clinging onto this dude who prob isn't even worth it but he offered me the tiniest bit of nurturing and I needed that so bad. Someone who is looking after me and checking in on me and wants to help me. That is so hot. I feel like I fucked things up, but whatever if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be. But fuck I want it to be so bad. I can't stand being alone and I just want a romantic interest. I do not feel independent. Okay actually I am just putting myself down. I am fully capable of taking care of myself, of meeting all my own needs, of loving and validating myself, and I will attract the right people this way. I am radiating love and light and independence. People will be attracted to me and the right people will find their way into my life. I am worthy of love and respect and I will only accept those who return the same energy. I am an amazing person who is incredibly strong and independent. Bitch you packed up all ur shit on ur own and moved to a new state to start a new job ALONE. You should be incredibly proud of yourself and celebrate this win. Everyone else I met came here with another person. I am the only one I know who came here completely alone. THAT IS FUCKING BRAVE, if you ask me. I am a brave woman who isn’t afraid to take risks and that needs to be celebrated. I am so strong and I can do anything I put my mind to. I can perceiver through anything. I am just hitting a rough patch and I know things are going to get better. I have a positive outlook on the future and I have the courage and strength to change my situation. I am not in control, I am just rolling with what the universe throws at me. I can tackle anything anyone throws my way. I no longer need to depend on others, such as my parents or Alex, for anything. I am fully capable as a 23 year old woman of taking care of it myself. I am housed. I am fed. I am financially secure. I am alive. I have an amazing job. I have amazing coworkers. I am profoundly lucky for this opportunity and I am incredibly grateful for it. There are people who are jealous and dream of what I am doing, but I made it happen for myself. I will learn to love myself. I will learn to love being alone. I will learn to enjoy my own company. I will learn to hold my tongue and share things only with those who I feel comfortable with and at the right time. I will  channel my energy in productive ways. I will work on my anger in a healthy way. I will take care of myself. I will nurture the body I was given and cherish the opportunity I have here on Earth. I will grow and transform. I will be the person I dream of. I am everything I need. I have all the tools in my possession and I will start using them. I love myself and I am grateful for all the universe and God has provided for me. Thank you to everyone in my life. Thank you to Mother Earth. Thank you to my friends and family. Thank you for my job. Thank you for freedom!!!

[widevibratobitch]

if you get upset about other people 'vagueing' you then perhaps try not doing it yourselves. use those spines of yours - not to point fingers (<- is boutta start pointing fingers) but lol&lmao bold words coming from someone who literally started this whole vagueing avalanche and is now the one crying about it. action - reaction, sweetheart. but i digress.

Let's just start by saying this was never about Verdi, Mozart or even Rossini. I feel no need to converse with you or try to convince you of anything, because I simply do not care. You’re entitled to your own opinion and I’m entitled to mocking it in the privacy of my own blog (which, again, I did not do until you started the vague-party).

Now. This entire ridiculous callout post could have been a single click on the block button on your part. You are aware you can use it too, right? Everything you’re asking from me and my friends - you yourself can actually do first! Set an example, why don’t you.

Aren’t you tired? Like genuinely asking. Aren’t you? As entertaining as this catfighting has been, I sure am. 

I've said this before and I'll say it again - none of this would ever have happened if you, or any other person vagueing us and clutching their pearls at our (or mine? since you seem to have some ridiculous personal vendetta against me in particular, judging by this post especially - and while i’d normally be flattered, at this point it’s just plain annoying) violent evil ways, would have messaged us about it privately sooner. If that was a legitimate issue, if it was something genuinely upsetting to you or your friends and either of you would have let me know about it - I would have stopped immediately. But you clearly enjoyed making patronising posts, villainizing me and my friends for clowning in the tags in what is THE most common and signature form of tumblr humour.

Self-aggrandising? Sure lol. Again. We’re on tumblr aka the site where every single person in any given fandom is the self-proclaimed Only One Who Gets It And Is Right About It. Cliquey? I’m sorry, is having friends amongst your mutuals a crime now? Lmfao please.

As for the “isolated occurrence” - be fuckin fr right now. An unrelated post from almost a year ago that we have discussed and (apparently not) resolved in private when you messaged me about it, if you recall. So sorry but I won’t waste my time by talking about it now.

And since Sofia @verdiesque was nice and civil in her response, which you basically completely ignored, I’ll be the one doing the biting now. Say dumb shit - get mocked for it. (‘dumb shit’ is, of course, a subjective matter, so if you find my shit dumb you are more than welcome to mock me in turn - which you have, in fact, done; but i guess your mocking is fine and just, but ours is evil and immoral…???).

As for your words being ‘thrown back at you’ - i think if you threaten to kill yourself or another living creature, even jokingly, over something as inconsequential as a fucking tumblr poll, there is something genuinely wrong with you - HOW am i supposed to not mock you when you assume this patronising, holier-than-thou stance and write this exact combination of words as a response to me saying, and i quote, I WILL KICK A PUPPY INTO THE SUN. Like sorry not sorry but it’s impossible to take you seriously in such a situation, no matter how heartfelt or sincere a thought that was.

Not even gonna comment on the pirate poll argument because it’s just absurd to me, next.

(also, minor detail, but please do show me a single tag of mine under those polls where i would “threaten” any actual harm, such as pushing someone into traffic (lol&lmao), onto another person (not counting, of course, the sun-kicked puppies) - i’ve made sure to direct such jokes only at myself, just in case, for damage control, and yet. as i see that was still not enough and some delicate sensibilities were hurt anyway... Tragic really but i did all i could, oh well)

“i write them because i have thoughts and opinions and emotions and posting them is what a blog is for” GOD BLESS so do I. So maybe let’s keep it that way without absurd attempts at policing other people’s shit. Neither me nor my friends have ever tagged you or said your name publicly in any of our dark and sinister mocking posts and memes. Those who knew - knew. Those who didn’t - didn’t, end of story. 

Also the fact that THAT was the post that set you off on this crusade is beyond fucking stupid. As Sofia said, that was a joke relating to our personal history, that is known to our friends and mutuals, but does not necessarily need to be known by YOURS. Hence the turned off reblog option. Not everything is about you, girl. 

Having said all that… You are simply taking this way too seriously i think <3

@widevibratobitch @verdiesque

can y'all either @ me or block me already this is getting exhausting

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

What is the "burnt marshmallow" LMK AU I've been hearing about?

Burnt Marshmallow!Monkey King AU is basically just a mashup of a couple of hc's and a design I have for Monkey King. Tumblr is being a jerk so I can't just link you some explanation posts so I'm just gonna have to summarize

Headcanon 1: Fire

In jttw the only thing that's really ever hurt Sun Wukong is smoke and fire. He's been burned quite a lot, by the Samhadi fire, lost his sight for a bit due to smoke in his eyes, and way back during the Havoc in Heaven he was actually burned in a furnace for forty-nine days. I created this design (1 2 3) thinking about the results of that that maybe he never fully recovers from that. When he gets out of the furnace it even talks about him having glowing red eyes. I just had the thought of "what if that was more permanent" to the point where his fur never grew back the same way and the areas around his eyes were kinda charred and blackened because they're the most venerable part of him. (Hence the Nickname “Burnt Marshmallow”)

Headcanon 2: Glamours

I was thinking about how, he'd hide his appearance in canon, and in order for glamours to be convincing, he'd have to have some physical substance to them so that people could touch them and not immediately know it was just an illusion. Like if Mk were to reach out and touch his head he'd be able to feel how weirdly course and spiky feeling his fur is in contrast to how soft and fluffy it appears to be, he'd know somethings up. So I hc glamours act as a physical shield between the user and those around them. 

Headcanon 3: JTTW 

So I actually hold the hc that Tang Sanzang (Tripitaka) was actually afraid of Sun Wukong. (Which, y’know, kind fair. He watched him throw an entire mountain, run at the speed of sound, fly around on a cloud and insta-kill an entire group of bandits with no remorse (and maybe even some glee) in the first day of knowing him so... bGAKWMEOF) Anyway, add on the hc of my design for Wukong, and this monkey is one of the most demonic, terrifying things you’ve ever seen. As the Journey goes on Wukong gets enough self-awareness to realize Tang Sanzang is afraid of him, (which i actually hc as to why he listens to Zhu Bajie more and is so quick to punish and scold Wukong for things) and starts applying glamours little by little to make himself less terrifying. Dulls his teeth, slowly makes his fur change colour, changes his eyes to gold, a more friendly, good looking appearance, gradual enough that he makes it appear natural and if anyone asks he just says his fur’s finally growing out 

Conclusion: 

Burnt Marshmallow!Monkey King is an AU about how Monkey King is traumatized as heck, is hiding his true appearance and who he is behind a perfect hero persona because he believes he has to in order for people to feel comfortable around him or for him to be treated kindly/loved. He’s also the most touch starved version of Monkey King because after 500 years under a mountain + glamours that prevent people from touching him, he hasn’t actually had physical contact with anyone for close to a thousand years, maybe even more. So like, the moment someone makes contact with him without his glamour on he just shuts down completely, which becomes a problem during battles when his glamour is off. He barely remembers what he actually looks like and wears his glamours constantly out of habit, and not a single person knows about it. 

Then Mk and the crew find out. 

So it’s basically just a bunch of my hc’s building up until it was an AU of it’s own lol. I’ve made lots of posts about it, but unfortunately Tumblr’s the worst rn and nothing shows up when I search the tag so :’) hopefully this gave you the general gist of it. I’m currently writing a fic about this and it’s taking shape very nicely ngl, very angsty, lots of recover, and deals with a lot of Wukong’s suppression of certain aspects of himself and things bubbling over the top. And then just... him learning that there are people who won’t be scared of him no matter what he looks like, and that they’ll love him regardless, and that he doesn't need to change specific things about himself to make himself lovable, he already is. but yeah. Just Mk and the crew helping him work through a couple thousand years of trauma WOOOO BGAS;LKDFMAOWE 

My favourite part of the fic so far is when he climbs a tree :P 

[tsvkishma]

you wanna kiss me so bad, huh?

series: my hero academia / boku no hero academia

pairings: katsuki bakugo x reader

length: 5k words

warnings: swearing, mentions of making out (w/ a minor), breach of privacy??

tags: secret relationship, enemies to lovers, high school AU, reader-insert

summary: the mutual agreement between you and your bf to keep your relationship on the DL is about to be ruined when he makes the stupid mistake to leave his phone on the table for the whole class to see

author’s note: i’m so sorry! i really tried to make it gender neutral, but it was female leaning... i apologize! i’m still pretty new to writing dis homie so please be lenient when it comes to character accuracy lol. i also apologize for the messy, unstructured writing. also thank u to bae @izvkos for proofreading!

Just as you were getting ready to doze off, the school bell rang, startling you and making you jerk up from your comfortable position on the desk with your head in your arms. Some of your classmates got up to stretch, since it was the break time between classes. Unfortunately, it had only been the end of third period and you had a long school day to go through. You let out a low groan of disappointment. I guess I’ll have to keep myself awake just a little bit longer.

To be honest, you didn’t mean to stay up all night... it was just that you couldn’t help binge-watching your favorite show last night. You convinced yourself that you were only going to watch one episode before you went to sleep... then one lead to two... then three... and then before you knew it, the birds started chirping. But, hey! It wasn’t your fault that it was so addicting!

“Oi.”

You look up to see Bakugo peering over you with his hands in his pockets and a smirk on his face, “Tch, you don’t look so good today. Didn’t get enough sleep? How are you gonna be a pro hero with those bad habits of yours?”

You scoffed, “Oh, fuck off. Sorry I don’t go to sleep at 8 every night… grandpa.”

“Yeah, yeah. Make fun of me all you want, but who’s gonna be laughing when you fail your exams next week. I see you dozing off in class, you act like Aizawa-sensei doesn’t even notice,” Bakugo grunts.

You coo, “Awe, is blasty-boy watching me during class? I didn’t know you were this deeply in love with me! So cute.”

His face went red for a moment before his usual angry expression returned, “I DON’T HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU DAMMIT! I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR STUPID CRAP LIKE THAT!”

“Y/n! Stop teasing Bakugo like that! You know he can’t handle it...” Mina chimed in, joining the fun.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T HANDLE IT?! ” screamed Bakugo.

“Quiet down back there.,” threatened Cementoss as he entered the class to prepare his next lesson.

You and Mina were just laughing at your classmate screaming his head off, it was always an amusing sight if anything. Even though Bakugo denies having a crush on you, it wasn’t true. And you knew that. He had a fat crush on you, but it was more than that! He was your boyfriend.

You guys had kept your relationship on the down-low for about a month now, your relationship only became official about a week ago, but you guys had been going on dates prior. Bakugo wanted to keep your relationship a secret, you know, to protect his ego or whatever since there has always been a rivalry between the two of you and everyone in Class 1-A was painfully aware of it. He was too proud to let anyone know that he fell for someone he once vouched as his enemy.

-

There was always constant bickering between the two of you. Whether it be something minute or something that you would argue over for a couple of days. It’s not like the arguments were unintentional because they were started just to spite the other. Bickering would start about each other’s fighting technique in battle or even accusing the other of stealing their food from the shared fridge in the dorms.

The rest of your class was so sick and tired of the ongoing feud so one day, they set out a plan (led by Kaminari and Kirishima) to lock you two in a room just to sort out your differences. They set a date where they would trick you two into thinking that there was a class activity that everyone had to attend, but it would just be you two to show up and you would smash the beef between you two, and BOOM! Problem solved.

Just as the day came for the plan, something was weirdly off about you two. The morning of, you two both came into class at the same time and it was dead silent between you two. No bickering, no petty comments, and no evil stares. As more and more people were arriving, they would immediately notice the weird tension in the air. It was strangely quiet, not just because you and Bakugo were silent, but because everyone else was too. The thought of you guys not constantly at each other’s necks that morning sort of put off the rest of the class. It felt weird to talk over the dead silence when they were so used to your guys’ voices as ambiance while they were in conversation.

As the day went on, nothing changed and you guys were still silent and ignoring each other. Obviously, everyone was suspicious about what exactly happened between you two to make you ignore one another. There was no way that you guys were angry at each other because when you were, both of you made it clear by arguing and yelling loudly.

However, before anyone had the chance to ask why you guys were so quiet,  Bakugo decided to approach you for the first time between class periods. At this point, the class was back to normal and having regular conversations with one another during break time, but all of their eyes were on you two, and their voices hushed to pay attention to the tense interaction shared between you two.

“Oi. Let’s talk,” said Bakugo bluntly.

You looked up at his crimson red eyes for a second before looking away as if his presence wasn’t even there. At this point, you didn’t know what to say to him, yet. This fired up Bakugo because within a second he started yelling again.

“HEY DUMBASS! YOU DON’T GET TO IGNORE ME LIKE THAT!” he screamed.

You turned to meet his glare annoyed, “Oh, shut the fuck up. I don’t owe you shit. Leave me alone.”

He tested, “The fuck did you say to me, idiot?!”

“Fuck off, dipshit, all you ever wanna do is yell! And might I add- you do it loudly. Are you such a fucking grandpa that you can’t even hear yourself speak? Can you ever jjust shut. the. fuck. UP!” you yelled back.

The arguing continued and the rest of Class 1-A continued with their previous conversations after seeing you guys back to normal. The tension between you guys soon left their minds as they continued with the rest of their day. Unbeknownst to them, the night before you two were arguing like usual in the kitchen area of the dorms before Bakugo made his first move on you.

-

The argument started with you getting angry at Bakugo for making a mess on the counter after spilling some of his water. It was late at night and no one else was around and you two happened to wake up around the same time to get a drink of water.

“You idiot, clean up your fucking mess. You spilled it all over the counter,” you said as you gestured to the spilled water.

“Tch. I didn’t spill shit. If it bothers you so much, why don’t you go clean it up yourself?” he groaned as he leaned against the counter.

Appalled, you grabbed the roll of paper towels and threw it at his head. He was caught off guard as the roll of paper hit his forehead. It fell and rolled out onto the floor. Now, he was truly annoyed.

“Fuck was that for, huh?!” he said staring at you, smoke practically coming out of his ears.

You laughed, “Just giving you a hand since it seemed like you were too fucking lazy to grab the paper towels yourself. Seems like the grandpa’s getting too old to do stuff for himself, boohoo.”

He growled, rage evident in his face. You laughed to yourself looking away from his face. The next thing you knew, he grabbed you by the shoulders and pushed you against the fridge behind you. You were pinned by his big, rough hands and he was closer to your face than usual, yet still enraged.

You tried to wiggle out of his grip, but it was useless, “Let go of me, idiot! You need to learn how to take a fucking joke.”

He didn’t respond, but he kept his eyes on your face. You tried moving away, but now his grip on your shoulders tightened, making your breath hitch.

“What the fuck is your problem? You want me to say sorry or something? Did the paper towel knock the fucking sense out of you? Let me go!” you argued.

“What happened to all your fucking hero training? Can’t get out of my grip, huh? How pathetic,” he growled in a low tone.

You felt his eyes piercing into your own and it was making you a little bit uncomfortable. He’s never been physical with you, even with the constant bickering between you guys. This was a side of him you’ve never seen.

You started, “Look, did I hurt your feelings or something? Did I hit you really hard on the head? There’s no point in holding me against the fridge. Plus, the handle is kind of hurting my back-”

“Shut up,” he stated plainly.

He looked away, avoiding eye contact with you. Okay.... suspicious much...

You tried moving once again, then he pulled you up from the fridge only to slam you back against it, but this time harder.

“Why can’t you just fucking stay still?!” he started yelling.

“Ow! Because you’re being a fucking weirdo! There’s something fucking wrong with you, it’s starting to creep me out! What the fuck are your intentions anyway, huh?!” you argued back.

His calmness fading, he yelled back, “SHUT THE FUCK UP! ALL YOU EVER DO IS GET ON MY FUCKING NERVES LIKE YOU KNOW EVERY FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD!”

His face was inching closer and closer to your face with each word pouring from his mouth. You smirked at this.

You laughed, teasing, “Oh, you wanna kiss me so bad, huh?”

He immediately froze after hearing that sentence spill from your mouth and avoided eye contact yet again. Oddly enough, he returned to his calmer self... If you didn’t know any better, it was obvious that that sentence held some truth with him.

“Look just-”

Before you could finish your sentence, his lips crashed onto yours. Your eyes shot wide open at the shock of the situation. Bakugo Katsuki fucking kissed you... Bakugo Katsuki. The Bakugo Katsuki who always argued with you. The Bakugo Katsuki who always got on your nerves. THAT Bakugo Katsuki.

Taking you away from your thoughts, he pulled away from the kiss. He examined your face for your reaction, but you were frozen in place with your eyes shot wide open. You didn’t know what to do, as if you were a computer and you were going through some code that you weren’t programmed to handle. He looked away and scoffed at himself, mumbling.

“Of course, she didn’t fucking like that, idiot...” he mumbled.

His grip on you loosened and his hands were brought to his side and he couldn’t bear to look at you in the face again. Breaking from your frozen state, you focused your eyes on him. He pulled his face away from your point of view and was scratching his neck in embarrassment and you could notice the light blush spread on his cheeks. You felt a little tug on your heart that you’ve never felt before when looking at him. At that moment, he was just so freaking cute.

Mentally telling yourself that you’re gonna regret this later, you grabbed his face in your hands and pulled him closer to you again. Your lips locked with his and you closed your eyes to bask in the moment. Only this time, Bakugo’s eyes were shot wide open, but only for a second. Relief soon spread across his face and his eyes rested on your waist, pulling you closer.

Both of you guys wanted nothing more than to stay in that moment forever, the rivalry between you two completely non-existent. As all good things must come to an end, you pulled away from him and your eyes made contact for a second before you both looked away, blushing. Realization soon hit you and you didn’t know what to do next.

“I-”

“Uh-”

You guys stuttered at the same time, making eye contact for a second before looking away. The atmosphere between the two of you was confusing. Before you could think of another thing to say, he spoke up first.

“Good night,” he said.

He walked away swiftly and turned the corner to the hallway towards his dorm. You stood for a few seconds not knowing what to think. You released the breath that you didn’t realize you were holding in and proceeded to walk towards your dorm room. Leaving the kitchen a bit of a mess for the night.

The next day it was Kaminari who was blamed for leaving the paper towel on the floor and some spilled water on the counter. Poor boy.

-

Now, the relationship that you had with ‘blasty-boy’ would probably seem complicated and confusing in the eyes of others, but you two were pretty content with where you guys were at. There was an unspoken agreement that you would keep your relationship under wraps. You knew how Bakugo always tried to upkeep his ego of being the best. You’ve always assumed that he didn’t want anyone to know he had a soft spot for you. And you didn’t necessarily mind not sharing your relationship out in the open, anyway. I mean, you guys only just made your relationship official, but it was a little hard to keep your mouth shut when you desperately wanted to gush about him with the other girls of Class 1-A.

Although, you guys have managed to maintain the rivalry between you guys in front of the others. It’s not like you guys were faking it, though. Only now, you guys saw it as fun, meaningless banter and meant nothing by it. The few times that you’ve got to spend with Bakugo alone were completely different from when you would be with him as a group. 

On one of your more recent dates, he invited you to watch a movie in his dorm room and he was so adamant about keeping you close to him throughout the movie. At one point in the night, you tried to get up to use the restroom real quick and his arm around your waist pulled you back down, making you fall onto his lap and you stared up at him. He ignored you and stared at the laptop screen.

“Uh... I need to go pee. Let me go, please?” you smiled up at him.

He gave you a glance and reverted his stare to the screen again, “No.”

“What do you mean no? I drank so much water because the popcorn was too salty... come on. You want me to pee on you or something?” you joked.

He laughed, “So, what if I do?”

You sat up and his gaze finally met yours and his signature smirk was plastered on his face.

You grabbed one of his pillows and hit him with it, “Ew, you’re so fucking gross! I’m going.”

He laughed and finally allowed you to leave, but rest assured, he snuggled up with you when you came back.

-

Right now, you were hanging with the rest of your class in the common room. On Fridays, you guys all agreed to a movie night after a long week of classes. You were sitting with the rest of the girls, settled between Momo and Mina. The movie hasn’t started yet since everyone was starting to get comfortable and settled in. A few of your classmates were grabbing popcorn and other snacks in the kitchen while the rest of you guys were just chatting. Somehow, the conversation between the girls evolved into talking about relationships.

“Oh my god! There was this really cute guy that I accidentally bumped into at lunch and apparently he’s a third-year! I hope I bump into him again, he was seriously cute,” gushed Mina.

“That’s so cute, Mina! I wish I had, like, ANY romantic interactions. My life’s so boring...” groaned Ochaco.

“Same,” said Hagakure.

The rest of the girls sort of nodded in agreement, but you just sat there sipping your juice pouch loudly.

“Y/n? You’re awfully quiet,” teased Tsu as she nudged you with her elbow.

“Well, I mean-”

“What are you ladies talking about over here, huh?” said Denki as he and the other boys inched closer to the girls to join their conversation.

Momo spoke up, “Seems like Y/n over here has a crush!” 

You covered your face in embarrassment, “No I do not! It’s... uh... look we’re just... talking?”

Kirishima teased, “Awe so who’s the lucky individual?”

“Yeah, I wanna know who captured our Y/n’s heart,” laughed Sero.

“It’s no one...” you said after trying to recover after digging yourself in a deeper hole.

“Hey, Bakugo. How do you feel about Y/n’s new crush, huh? Maybe your love for her isn’t reciprocated after all...” started Kaminari before Bakugo stood from his seat on the couch and grabbed his shirt to intimidate him.

He growled, “I don’t have a crush on Y/n. How many times do I have to tell you idiots that?!”

“You’re just jealous that Y/n’s significant other is probably hotter than you!” laughed Mina.

Visibly annoyed at the situation, Bakugo walks away rolling his eyes and mumbling, “Tch. Can’t believe I go to school with a bunch of idiots...”

“Awe, can’t take it anymore? Your love for me is so strong that it pains you to listen to this conversation, huh, Bakugo?” you teased.

“Shut up. I’m going to the bathroom,” he said plainly.

The rest of your classmates on the couch got a laugh in before the topic of your potential significant other died down into smaller topics within different people. Those who were in the kitchen preparing the snacks for everyone finally came back and everyone was finding their seats around the TV and your boyfriend had yet to come back.

You pulled out your phone to text him and right as you did, Iida turned off the lights.

“Yo, Y/n. Turn off your phone it’s too bright and the movie’s about to start,” nudged Mina.

You apologized, “Sorry. I’ll turn it off in a minute I just need to text someone.”

You pulled up your boyfriend’s text log and typed in a message for him:

yo blasty boy why arent u back from the bathroom the movies starting

...also i saved u a seat next to me so we can cuddle (lowkey of course hehe)

After sending those two messages, you put away your phone in your pocket. Everyone was concentrated on the movie and you set your attention on the TV screen until...

PING PING

A phone on the coffee table lit up brightly while making two loud notification pings. Everyone lost focus on the movie and looked over at the phone on the table. No doubt that it was your grandpa of a boyfriend’s phone pinging. Before you could do something, Kirishima grabbed it.

“Who the hell didn’t turn off their ringer? And why is it so damn loud..” laughed Sero.

Kirishima’s eyes scanned his phone for a quick second before his eyes widened and he covered his mouth in surprise.

“Holy shit! Bakugo has a girlfriend!” yelled Kirishima.

You couldn’t help but cover your face in your blanket... Bakugo was about to be so mad at you. Your secret would be out and honestly, you were glad, but you know that your boyfriend didn’t want anyone to find out anytime soon. At least, not like this.

Everyone turned to Kirishima, suddenly losing interest in the movie playing in front of them.

“Oh my god, you’re joking!” squealed Yaoyorozu.

Ojiro claimed, “There’s no way that Bakugo has a girlfriend. Not that hothead.”

“Bro, I’m not joking! And guess what... it’s someone in this room!” exclaimed Kirishima.

Everyone starts looking around the class, silently accusing their classmates of being the culprit.

“Look what they said: ‘also i saved u a seat next to me so we can cuddle‘! Someone better start speaking upppppp!” said Kaminari teasingly as he got the phone from the red-haired boy.

“So, who is it?” grinned Ochako.

Sero peeked at the phone in Kirishima’s hands, “There’s no name, it just says ‘dumbass’. That’s so like Bakugo.”

You sighed in relief. You didn’t know that Bakugo didn’t have your contact as your actual name. 

“G-guys! I don’t think Kacchan would want us to go through his phone...” protested Midoriya.

“Midoriya is right! This is not respectful behavior, we should respect our classmate’s privacy,” Iida said matter-of-factly.

Kaminari replied, “Aw, come on you guys are no fun! It’s harmless, anyway! If it really is someone in our class, we were bound to find out! It’s inevitable!”

You grab the phone from him and said, “Wow, Kaminari, I didn’t know you had the vocabulary capacity for the word inevitable! Now, let me see this...”

Lo and behold, your messages were shown on the screen under the name ‘dumbass’. You tried to analyze the situation and how you could use this small sliver of anonymity to your advantage. You concluded that just trying to play off the situation would be the best thing to do-

“Woah, woah, woah. What’s that as Bakugo’s wallpaper?” said Mina as she slowly grabbed the phone from your hands.

Right then, a horror scene played out right in front of your eyes. As everyone was standing crowded around the phone (whether they agreed with peering through your boyfriend’s phone or not), they were looking at the brightly-lit device in the pink girl’s hands and she deleted the notifications to show his very-telling wallpaper… you could say there was a slight miscalculation in your plan as you failed to notice earlier that his wallpaper was the two of you... making out.

You couldn’t bear to look at what was on his phone as everyone let out their gasps. It was too embarrassing, everyone seeing such an intimate moment on your boyfriend’s phone. Bakugo had taken that picture on a whim one night when you two were having one of your movie nights. When he did that, you were shocked because there was no way that Bakugo took pictures of himself ever. Honestly, you were shocked to see that he knew how to take a selfie. Nonetheless, you peeked through your fingers at the phone in Mina’s hand just for a bit.

To your surprise, he set the wallpaper to LIVE MODE. Live mode...... Everyone was watching you guys make out in action like it was a fucking movie.

That motherfucker...

The silence of realization was then disrupted as the girls let out their squeals and the whole class was causing a commotion while the boys high-fived each other as if they won a competition or something. Everyone was up and moving, a strong contrast from them mere minutes ago when they were lounging around on the couch and floor. Sero was shaking your shoulders as you covered your face in your hands. Your face was heating up from all the embarrassment and you couldn’t bear to look at any of your classmates after what they just witnessed.

You didn’t know what to think. Half of you were completely embarrassed that your friends just saw you in an embarrassing scenario and half of you were angry at Bakugo because this was all his fault! Who the fuck puts such an intimate moment as their wallpaper?! Why not something cute? And of course, it had to be a live photo…

You finally peered through your hands again to see the scene in front of you. Mina was laughing so hard on the couch that she was on the verge of tears.

“I CAN’T BREATHE! NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD I EVER EXPECT THIS SHIT!” she cried.

Most of the boys were still jumping up and down like some monkeys due to the sheer excitement and energy in the room. Uraraka walked up to you and smiled widely while placing her hands firmly on your shoulders.

“Wow! Who would’ve thought that you and Bakugo were a thing! I honestly didn’t see that coming… sorry that we all had to find out that way. I was a little too absorbed in the excitement to consider how you felt,” said the round-faced girl.

With your face still red, you said, “Don’t worry about it… it was bound to happen soon enough, right? Although, now I’m a little embarrassed, but I guess I’m kind of relieved that I don’t have to put much effort into hiding our relationship anymore.”

Yaoyorozu chimed in, “Honestly, this is more entertaining than the movie we were just watching!”

You laughed along with the other girls who were nearby. On the other side of the room, the boys were making a train throughout the room and singing.

“Uh, y/n,” interrupted Asui, “Look.”

The man-of-the-hour walked in the room with his hands in his pockets with his usual grumpy expression. He stopped to examine the room and stared quietly at the energetic group of boys.

He scoffed, “What are you nerds doing? Why aren’t you guys watching the fucking movie, huh?”

He looked around the room until his eyes met yours and you quickly looked away, which caught his attention. Your mind was racing a mile a minute trying to think of an excuse. Your gaze averted to the ground, but you could hear his footsteps heading your way.

“Since when did your socks suddenly get so interesting that you can’t look me in the eyes?” teased Bakugo.

He brought his hand up to your chin and lifted your face to meet his gaze. His playful smirk instantly dropped once he saw your expression. Your eyes were borderline teary and seemed lost, like a sad puppy.

He whispered so that only you could hear, “Baby… what’s up?”

You wanted to give in to his touch at that very moment and run into his arms, but you resisted because you knew that it would be too selfish given how you just broke your guys’ agreement. You didn’t deserve to be in his embrace right now, he was seconds away from finding out that your guys’ secret came out accidentally all because you sent a random text. You pulled your face away from his grip and moved away from him.

“W-wait, what-” he started.

“HEYYYYYYYYYYY, BAKUBRO!” said Kaminari and he wrapped an arm around him (much to Bakugo’s dismay), “How come you didn’t tell your buddies that you had a soft side to you, huh?”

Bakugo grunted, “What the fuck are you going on about?”

Kirishima chimed, “You know, you shouldn’t leave your phone out in the open like that… it makes you vulnerable!”

Still confused he said, ”Did worms get in your brains? We’ve been only one day off from school and you start lacking common sense?”

To his surprise, you walk up with his phone in your hand while keeping eye contact, unlike earlier.

“Sherlock, I thought you would’ve connected the dots by now,” you sighed, with a tinge of sadness behind it, “Your wallpaper… really?”

You hold up the phone up to his face and his reaction was almost humorous to you. His eyes widened and his face was painted with a light tint of pink.

For the first time in your life, you witnessed your boyfriend at a loss for words. The rest of your class watched the whole interaction and some restrained laughs were let out and they were all back to square one, laughing like maniacs. You were about to join in and laugh with them when you realized again what the situation at hand was. You were scared of how Bakugo would react since this would be the first rift in your relationship and you didn’t want to have a genuine argument with him, especially with how angry he could get. Suddenly, you felt a pair of hands grasp yours and you look up to see your boyfriend smiling at you.

“I-”

Before you could say a single word, he hauls you on his shoulder, and you yelp in surprise. You don’t know how you ended up in this position, but now you’re dangling off of him and now you’re staring at the ground. (Also, his face was dangerously close to your ass, but you didn’t mention it.) He starts walking away and away from the commotion towards his dorm room. Before you can protest, he leans his head on your body causing you to freeze up. You could feel his warmth from his body heat against your shirt.

“You know… I’m not mad at you. I could never be mad at you,” he says quietly.

Your brain took time to process that sentence… was Bakugo actually not mad? Most importantly, who knew such sweet words could come out of his mouth? You couldn’t help but breathe out a sigh of relief and you relaxed a bit.

Wanting to tease him, you said, “Sorry, you were too quiet. Could you repeat that again?”

He groaned, “I said… I’m not mad at you, I could never be.”

You giggled, “I know. I heard you the first time, but I thought my ears were deceiving me… Katsuki Bakugo is saying something nice for once? Whatttt…”

He shook you a little, “Forget it. You didn’t hear anything.”

Raising yourself a little, you patted your boyfriend on the head, “Nope. Remembering that phrase forever and ever.”

“Whatever.”

You smiled, “Whatever!”

[rsmrymnt-tea]

hey its the satan anon lol i might be dropping by more often lol hope thats ok?? just wanted to ask, um out of the canon and event stuff youve seen whos most likely to be a textbook jealous bf?? (including them side dudes) like most to least likely???

Hey hey!! It’s cool lol do you want a name that’s not just satan anon?

And hmm… textbook jealous bf huh… Tricky tricky since I don’t have any hard rankings for that except for like Mammon and Levi (tied for most) and Solomon and Asmo (least likely, but for like different reasons lol and apparently my mind changed while writing these down)

Not entirely sure if I answered the assignment right lmao but here’s my ~thoughts~ and they were pretty fun to think about, actually, though this is still pretty headcanon-y?

The OM Cast and Jealousy

Still arranged from most to least likely to be jealous and let you know about it lol

1. Levi and Mammon

Like, we know how they are in canon. I feel like they show up as intentional cockblockers the most in game. Mammon makes a bigger fuss than Levi does and may bite whoever it is that has your attention, and Levi… Well, he’s the Avatar of Envy.

Their Sins definitely play a big part in just how terribly jealous they get, alongside their insecurities. Mammon’s aware that he’s not exactly the best guy out there given his habits of stealing from his loved ones and scamming demons out of their cash and personal info, and Levi’s convinced being an otaku is a ticket to everyone thinking he’s gross and yucky and unlovable.

They’re also two softies under that tsundere act, so they’re way more sensitive than you think.

I guess it’s like… “HEY HEY GET AWAY FROM THEM I’M THE BOYFRIEND HERE” for Mammon and “Of course you’d want to spend more time with someone else more” for Levi and you’d have to spend some time reassuring them and calming them down.

May or may not be kind of suffocating honestly, but if you’re with them I’m assuming you have the patience of a saint and knew what you were getting into given their Sins.

The rest are under the cut because wow I went on for way too long? As usual :P

2. Belphie

Pretends not to care but I’m pretty sure he’d be all pouty and broody for a while. Acts like being jealous is above him and will deny. Seems like he’ll talk shit about the other person. Veils his jealousy with pointed questioning in a snarky way then will be clingy until he’s over it.

He’s not insecure, he’s just clingy and possessive and kind of thinks everyone else is an annoyance, minus Beel. And with how he can’t help that he doesn’t have a lot of time with you—since well, he’s asleep because of his Sin and humans can’t actually sleep as much as he can—he wants to have as much of your time and attention as possible.

I think he’d be a lot easier to reassure than the two that outrank him here, just cuddle with him until he forgets about whoever it was he was jealous of. After all, he gets to sleep with you in his arms all he wants, not them.

3. Asmo

Hot take since most lists like this usually put him in the bottom but hear me out—I’m one of those people who believe he’s pretty insecure beneath that narcissistic exterior, so he gets jealous more easily than you’d think. Why are you paying more attention to someone else when he’s right there?

He shows he’s jealous by trying to steal your attention more, and will be more vocal about wanting your attention. You’ll hear more of this self affirmations that are meant to get you to agree. “Doesn’t this color look stunning on me?” “This top really flatters my gorgeous figure, don’t you think?”

Alternatively he’ll also flirt with whoever it is who’s making him jealous so he doesn’t feel left out, but this is entirely dependent on what kind of relationship you have. But let him stew in his jealousy to long and he might do it to make you jealous.

Go with the flow and be a bit more affectionate and he’ll be feeling pretty good again

4. Simeon

Okay so I’m not entirely sure where to put him but listen, there’s a Devilgram where he cheats his two closest friends in a game so that he can spend the night with you in his room so I feel like that says something about how jealous he can get. Right?

He’s another that seems like his jealousy would come from a place of possessiveness, perhaps intensified by knowing that he probably has a lot less time than everyone else with you because the Celestial Realm seems a lot stricter with letting their angels leave and enter the realm.

I’m of the mind that human and angel relationships aren’t exactly forbidden since it wasn’t the relationship that sentenced Lilith to execution—it was the fact that she tinkered with a human’s lifespan, stealing something from the Celestial Realm to heal her human lover. So he’s free to be with you, it’s just that he’s not sure how long he’s got.

So when he gets jealous, you’ll see more of his straightforward, pushy side come out. Maybe he’ll get a bit mean and snarky towards who he’s feeling jealous about if they don’t leave you two alone, then pull you away, all while making it seem like you just have things to do and places to be, even to yourself. He’s a lot more sly than you think, and quite frankly a good deal shadier than Solomon when he needs to be.

I kinda think he’ll calm down on his own, once you two are together by yourselves again.

5. Lucifer and Satan

So like these two, I feel like they don’t really get jealous at all unless it’s specifically of certain individuals who are uh, sore spots for them. I feel like with these two, a lot of mutual trust has to be built before the relationship even begins so they trust you a lot, there’s just a few people that get to them for deeply personal reasons that don’t have anything to do with you.

Of course for Satan, it’s Lucifer. No explanations needed. And for Lucifer it would be Diavolo and Barbatos—the only two people in the Devildom who are objectively better than him, plus one of them is his boss so he can’t really do anything about him the way he could anyone else. If it’s those specific people they’re feeling jealous of, they’ll be more possessive and will do what they can to make you forget about the others. Satan will fight Lucifer while Lucifer gets more emotionally distant and cold towards Diavolo and Barbatos, staying professional because that’s his only option honestly.

Satan would be reluctant about your reassurance, but needs it to calm down so he learns to accept it. Lucifer will reject your reassurance and you’ll just have to let him reassure himself and go with what he wants.

6. Diavolo

He’s the future king of the Devildom, which works to both his advantage and disadvantage. No one would dare to do anything on purpose to make him upset, but thats the thing, the kinds of beings he’d be jealous of wouldn’t have to do anything on purpose to get him feeling that kinda way

As someone stuck in the eternal job of ruling over a kingdom—and therefore constantly busy and likely to unwillingly neglect you—he’d be jealous of those who can actually spend the time with you that he wishes he could. Probably much more jealous than you would expect, however with his status as the Prince, he has an image to uphold so he has his hands tied unless the other party does something to you or word gets out that they’ve got an ulterior motive.

So he has to act cool and unaffected. His self control is something else entirely, as per how he acted in the Enchanted Pudding Devilgram. Something does tell me that he can be petty and possessive, so he would probably give whoever he’s jealous of extra tasks to do to keep them away from you if he can.

Though after the bout of jealousy, he becomes sad as he thinks over whether he’s able to be a good lover to you while still attending to his duties.

Reassure him that you knew what you were getting into and that you don’t hold his royal duties against him. It can’t be helped, but you’re happy to be by his side anyway.

7. Beel and Solomon

These two just get really sad when they’re jealous, I think.

Did he do something wrong? Maybe they see you happy with someone and wonder if they do enough for you. All they want is for you to be happy and seeing you smile brightly with someone else gives them a bittersweet feeling, though for the most part they’re also pretty happy for you in a way.

Beel’s aware of the kind of burden his Sin is. While easy to placate and generally peaceful, he’s more open about knowing how much it costs and how hard it is for his brothers to keep him from going into a rampage from hunger. He’d be another that comes from a place of insecurity, and it shows in the form of him wondering if you’d really be happy with him.

Solomon’s a man who doesn’t seem to believe you love him when you have the option to show it in main story. He’s incredibly popular among demons (apparently, according to some chats) yet he doesn’t seem to buy it when you show interest in him. He’s a sweet and straightforward lover as per his Devilgrams but I think he wonders if he’s really the choice you’ll stick with because why him? When you have an assortment of others who love you just as much who can give you so much more. Solomon knows he has secrets he’ll have to keep from you, and it must be tiring to be with someone who can’t tell you everything. Not yet.

Reassure them with proof that you’re happy with your choice once you pick up that they’re a bit upset. I don’t think they’d let you know that they’re sad and jealous, so keep an eye out.

8. Barbatos

I’ll be honest, I have no fucking idea. But I know he’s greedy in his own way since his associated sin is greed. So once you’re in a relationship, he’ll have the some greed for your happiness and success too. And your attention. Like Mammon, but insanely put together.

He’s another one that would probably be jealous of those who can give you the attention that he can’t. He’s a butler attending to the Demon Prince—he’s busy, and most of your time together is probably spent helping him around the castle or unwinding with tea alongside Diavolo and Lucifer.

Apparently he’s been jealous of Luke during his bday event and Diavolo in a Devilgram so take that as you will.

But he’s uncrackable, poised, and dignified in a way that Lucifer wishes he was. He’ll never let you know he was jealous... Unless you ask. Besides, he’s probably been given permission by Diavolo to look into your future together—and if he’s in a relationship with you, he probably saw that the future looks bright for you two.

So uh… He probably doesn’t need too much reassurance. He won’t let you know when he needs/wants it anyway, so just love him as you do everyday and help him learn to take it easy.

[realcube]

trying to be nice to their crush hcs

navi | masterlist | taglist

thank you to 🍦anon for this cute request!

characters: tsukishima, kyōtani, sakusa & suna

content warning: swearing & sexual references 

kei tsukishima 

♡ this is all yamaguchi’s fault （︶^︶）

♡ he found out tsukki had a crush on you bc he mentioned you a lot in conversation so yamaguchi interrogated him for answers then lo and behold, the beanpole had a lil thing for you 

♡ you sit in front of tsukishima in homeroom while yamaguchi sits beside him so when you leaned back and asked him if you could borrow a pencil and he spat back a snarky remark about you being too irresponsible to care for your own pencils, yamaguchi hastily offered you one of his own before scolding tsukishima 

♡ he explained to his clueless friend that being nasty to people isn’t a good way to get them to like you 

♡ so perhaps he should be nicer :)

♡ honestly, tsukishima would’ve just looked yamaguchi straight in the eyes and went ‘no’, if it wasn’t for the fact you shot tadashi the sweetest smile anD PLAYFULLY BLEW HIM A KISS AFTER HE JUST GAVE YOU A DAMN PENCIL LIKE WTF 

♡ after that, he decided to give up his current personality and pick up a new one 

♡ jk jk 

♡ but he had to binge a whole bunch of those youtube psychology videos that are like ‘psychological tricks to make people like you’ and ‘THESE 5 MIND TRICKS WILL MAKE YOU THE MOST POPULAR PERSON *EVER*’!!

♡ spoiler alert: he wasn’t the most popular person but perhaps that was bc he only went to the effort of using those tricks on you 

♡ god bless him; he tries hard, he really does. (not his best, just hard)

♡ but you don’t have to be extremely observant to realise that he’s began acting different around you and of course, it confused you seeing tsukishima being nice

♡ what irritated you was how dismissive he was being of your questions though, as he was clearly trying to lead you to believe that you were crazy and he’s just always been a nice guy 

♡ but as soon as he figures out that he angered you, he’ll instantly switch back to him normal self - draining his mind of the hours of phycology studying he did last night to just pretend like it never happened 

♡ and if he’s feeling flirty, he might be extra mean to you （￣︶￣）

♡ also he makes a mental note to never take yamaguchi’s romance advice ever again 🙄

♥　♡　♥　♡　♥　♡　♥

you sighed, removing your hand from your bag after desperately rummaging through it in search of a pencil once again - deja vu. once you accepted that a pencil wasn’t going to materialise out of thin air, you peered over your shoulder and tapped the corner of yamaguchi’s desk, who wore a suspicious grin which you decided against questioning. 

“yamaguchi, do you think i could borrow a pencil again? sorry, this is the last time, i swear. i’ll be sure to get some on my way home after school tod--” 

yamaguchi dropped the line him and tsukishima had rehearsed many times beforehand, while clutching his pencilcase dear to his chest, “woah, (y/n). you’re so irresponsible. sorry, i can’t lend one of my pristine pencils to someone who is too forgetful to remember to buy some; what if you forget to return it to me?” 

tsukishima cringed at how forced it sounded but he couldn’t help but admire yamaguchi's dedication to his role. this allowed tsukishima to swoop in, pencil in hand, “here.” that wasn’t in the script but he panicked! okay, now, eye contact. 

you just sat there and stared at both of them with the most dumbfounded look plastered on your face. what just happened?  why were they both acting like they were in drama class?  and why are they both so bad at acting? they’re both passing performing arts for fucks’ sake!

kentarō kyōtani 

♡ sorry but i firmly believe kyōtani is the sorta guy to be extra mean to ppl he fancies smh

♡ the rest of them just act (somewhat) like themselves around their crush but kyōtani is himself2 (himself^2)

♡ like one time yahaba found you trembling in your locker bc you had gotten mud on mad dog’s white shoes so he chased you through the hallways of the school, threatening to trek mud on your forehead 

♡ yahaba took it upon himself to investigate as to why kyōtani was so rude to you and he got his answer as soon as he mentioned your name to mad dog and the boy’s face immediately flushed red 

♡ so after practise, yahaba schools mad dog on how to get chicks (⌐■_■)

♡ in short, his advice was ‘good guys get laid’ and for kyōtani’s understanding, ‘good’ and ‘kind’ were interchangeable 

♡ mad dog wasn’t completely oblivious to how he treated you and he was aware that he was far from ‘kind’

♡ although he usually doesn’t listen to people in general, yahaba seemed to know what he was talking about so he figured there was no harm in trying to be nice 

♡ but ngl, he just spent the rest of the day wondering...what is kind?

♡ after a few messages back and forth with yahaba, he figured that the best place to start was by apologising for - y’know - chasing you around the whole school 

♥　♡　♥　♡　♥　♡　♥

“oi!” kyōtani bellowed through hallway, paying no mind to the students that cast him dirty looks as his sights were locked on you. standing unsuspecting by your locker, stuffing your textbooks into your bag until you heard his deep voice echo through the hall, to which you visibly perked up and began frantically looking around.

he marched towards you, hands in pockets and when you noticed him out of the corner of your eye, you were more than ready to drop all your shit and bolt away. but he didn’t let you as before you were able to take off on your heels, he grabbed your shoulder and spun you around to face him - then he noticed your hands raised in defence by your face and your head hung low.

his heart sank and his grip on your shoulder immediately softened, “i’m not gonna punch you, idiot.” he spat, rolling his eyes and gritting his teeth, trying to appear angry in hopes you’d mistake his light blush for pure rage. 

“i just wanted to say that i felt bad for chasing you through the halls yesterday - you didn’t stand a chance so i guess it was a bit unfair.” he said, frowning as you replied with silence so the duty fell on him to fill it, “and i got the stain out, anyway so.” 

more silence. lovely.

suddenly, he puffed his cheeks out as his eyes snapped to meet yours and he roared, “ARE YOU GONNA FUCKING SAY SOMETHING OR ARE YOU TOO BRAINDE-”

“are you wearing eyeliner?” 

and that was the true story behind why you missed last period, because you and kyōtani had a 30 minute conversation about eyeliner and make-up, then he convinced you to skip the rest of class with him so he could buy you ramen as an apology gift.

so yeah, he figured that perhaps he should try being nice more often.

kiyoomi sakusa

♡ he didn’t need someone to tell him to be nicer, he’s just predisposed to attempt to show kindness to someone he is fond of

♡ in his mind, showing kindness, respect and stripping himself of all his personality = the only way to be desirable 

♡ (ofc this takes place before he meets atsumu tho lol)

♡ so it’s not the realisation that’s the problem for him, it’s the execution 

♡ like how is he supposed to be nice without either sounding creepy or condescending? 

♡ *cut to sakusa practising in the bathroom mirror* ‘your hand looks- no-’ he scoffs, flicking cold water onto his face, ‘your hair looks cool- pretty- nice?’

♡ *camera pans to sakusa laying in bed, staring intently at the ceiling while imagining vivid and scarily detailed scenarios about ways he could mess up while talking to you* 

♡ *camera zooms in on sakusa’s face as he manifests a nicer version of himself*

♡ he might - depending on how insecure he is - watch one of those psychology videos or read a wikihow for help

♡ but other than that, he independently tries to alter his personality in order to gain your favour bc..true love ?

♥　♡　♥　♡　♥　♡　♥

you smiled as a basketball rolled up to your feet during gym class, followed by the sound of someone approaching you and upon raising your gaze, your eyes met sakusa’s unmistakable black ones. his face hovered only a few inches away from yours due to the fact you had both reached down to pick up the ball at the same time.

he quickly pulled himself away, tucking the basketball under his elbow as he adjusted his mask so it properly covered his face to ensure that you didn’t see the light blush slowly spreading across his cheeks. he then proceeded to blurt out what he had been rehearsing for the past few nights, “oh, thank you, (y/n). your hair looks lovely today, by the way.”

you giggled, holding your hands firmly by your side to avoid fidgeting and making it obvious that his sudden comment flustered you, “thanks, sakusa. and, if we’re handing out compliments today, i didn’t know you were good at any sport other than volleyball but you’re doing surprisingly well at basketball.” you joked, your lips slowly curling into a cocky smirk, “though, i don’t think you’d stand a chance against my team.” 

god, you’re such a tease. you make it so hard for him to be nice to you. so, of course, your comment returned his ability to utter almost every sarcastic comment that comes to mind - screw being likeable. “you think so?” he quirked a brow, tossing the ball onto your lap then pacing backwards, “go on, then.”

rintarō suna

♡ it was probably those tips on social media that told him he has to be nicer 

♡ and plus he saw terushima get all the chicks and he was just sitting there like ‘where are my bitches at? 🥺’

♡ anyway, all the guys on social media that had girls lining up outside their door always had one thing in common: misogyny  obnoxious personalities !!

♡ and his whole personality was a sacrifice suna was willing and ready to make for just a crumb of cooch  🤲

♡ though you weren’t exactly his crush yet, suna thought you were the best person to carry out this experiment with bc he heard through the grapevine that you had a crush on him so perhaps this would make you happy

♡ he didn’t prepare much beforehand though which he immediately regretted as soon as he approached you bc admittedly, his game plan of ‘be self-assured but friendly’ was a bit vague 

♡ so he basically just had to bullshit through a whole, awkward conversation with you while wearing a forced ‘bold’ smirk which, in reality, looked as though he had just seen tiddies for the first time 

♡ hardly self-assured or friendly 

♡ also, the fact you thought he was playing a prank on you must’ve drastically altered the results of his experiment 

♡ at one point he says something extremely stupid you’d just quit playing along and just blurt out ‘wtf is wrong with you today’

♡ to which he’d be like ‘ahaha, nuthin much bbg, how bout you?’

♡ THE EXPERIEMNT ISN’T OVER UNTIL HE SAYS IT’S OVER OKAy?!

♥　♡　♥　♡　♥　♡　♥

you rubbed your temples in order to soothe the throbbing headache suna gave you simply by existing. like yes, you had a crush on him 10 minutes ago - but that was before he came up to you and started acting like terushima on dodgy medication. “oh and your skin is glowing bab--”

“jesus christ, rintarō, shut up!” you cried, gripping the edge of your skirt to prevent your self from delivering a swift punch right to his stupid face. he’s seriously gotten on all your nerves at this point; firstly, by spamming your phone in the middle of the night asking for homework answers (accompanied by cursed memes) as he actually managed to wake you up. secondly, by acting so oblivious to the fact you clearly had a crush on him and now, this!

heat rose to his cheeks in embarrassment as his creepy smile instantly fell right back into his resting bitch face, “this isn’t working, is it?” 

“what’s not working?”

suna scoffed, rolling his eyes - his façade having evidently disappeared. “this.” he sighed, looking around as if someone was going to save him before his eyes finally settled on you and he was reminded of what he wanted in the first place, his sparkle was rekindled for just a moment which caused him to blurt out, “just fuck me already, i’m not asking for much.”