#wench (pr)

[wench-and-jezebel]

Red, White, and Royal Blue Reaction:

Jezebel (@typicalopposite) and Wench (@scripted-downfall) react

J: Whooooop whooooop!

W: And now we begin the film that has had my react partner cheating on me for a week I mean what

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️ No, no, is true.  This has been my whole personality

W: Believe me, I'm aware

– – – 

J: Not Alex “yucking her yum” over this wedding

W: Translation: "I'm smitten, Nora, dear, and utterly annoyed about it"

J: Bea!!

J: Alex buddy just say you have a crush

W: To be fair, his criticisms aren't like they were in the book.  They're not ugh he's too perfect and gently chivalrous and I must poke anymore :(

J: Buddy #2 just say you have a crush

W: Bruh, what was that greeting, Alex?

J: Oh, boy.  Oh, this will go well!

W: I'm preemptively cringing over this cake and what is about to happen

J: Right?

J: Men and their obsession with height

W: Henry looks so shell-shocked

J: Yes Alex that’s helping.  Let’s just keep smearing it around 🤣🤣

W: Bruh, I hate Philip already

J: Right!?!

W: What would my family say if they knew I was watching this rn

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

W: That is also on the topic of bad reputations... as mine would be shot

J: Zahraaa

W: SARAH SHAHI, MY BELOVED

J: I have been trying to not think of it being connected to the book ☠️☠️ cause I know they’re gonna change stuff

W: lkasjdf not gallons of tea

J: I love Uma Thurman

W: White House pillow fights, hell yeah!

J: I LOVE ZAHRA

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️ ZAHRA you’ll regret saying sending Alex over soon, ma’am

W: Alex is gonna change his mind about David the dog real fast

J: “He is super cute”  Ahh I love him

W: SHAAN! alksjdf;lkasjfd I love him

J: Oh god ☠️☠️ Henry: let me show him how cool I am!  Zoom zoom

W: Brings out the good ol' Aston Martin

J: That smirk when he says "your wearing lifts"

W: You know.  When I envisioned that scene, I assumed they were.  actually competent at faking affection

W: … Once again.  Once again.  I thought they were supposed to be good at this.

J: ☠️☠️☠️  Whaaaat? You can’t tell they are so totally frien-

W: This poor man dealing with Alex's b.s.

J: "White blonde and British"?? What?!

W: BARBARA STREISAND?  NOT BABS!!!

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️

W: Henry looks so scandalized

J: Oooop!

W: THE CLOSET SCENE

W: Bruh, they're starting the complimenting already

J: Ahhh I keep typing then getting distracted

W: I adore Henry, just btw.  He's my chosen character in this

J: 😂😂😂

W: Despite the aesthetics, he's the burnt marshmallow, actually

J: Amyyyyy

W: It’s sad that they cut the Star Wars conversation

J: I knowww

W: "People kill to get into my New Year's party!"  "That's perfect: they can kill me so I don't have to go!"  I love it

J: Oooop!

J: Well he’s already gone for Alex

W: HEY, WAIT, I LOVE HIM!  Clifton Collins, Jr.

J: Ooop 👀👀

W: My dude is flirting

J: Ooooop x2

W: Is this Liam, you think?

J: He said Miguel

W: I know.  But there was no Miguel in the book.  I'm saying, do you think he's standing in for Liam

J: Oh you mean just like supposed to be- yeah seems like it

J: Buddy using emoticons

W: alskdjf;laskjdflaksjdflkajdsf Those aren't emoticons; they're like.  stickers, or whatever

J: Or no it’s Bitmojis! ☠️

W: I still love the "But we were ever so careful, dear" line. One of my favourites

J: I knowww lol

W: DORIAN GRAY IS SO GOOD

J: ☠️☠️☠️

W: NO, NOT HIM DISSOLVING INTO BUTTERFLIES!  I'm going to cry in Hua-Cheng-coding

J: You mean the scene changing?

W: The butterflies

J: Oh!!

W: You'll figure it out when you finish the books.

J: Soooooon!!

J: Not the Turkey ☠️

(begin flashback to Wench's Discord conversation/reaction to RWaRB, the book!)

– – – 

W: The turkeys ☠️ wtf are they being pardoned for??? I'm so confused

J: You didn’t know about this!?!?

W: No??

J: It’s a stupid af tradition the president pardons a Turkey on thanksgiving

W: ... wot. Why?

J: I have no idea

W: I'm looking this up *pulls up Wikipedia* *reads for five minutes* OH MY GOD THERE WAS A WHOLE RIVALRY

J: lol

W: This is actually really funny... not so much the pardoning bits, but what started it all. Basically, this dude Horace Vose started presenting dressed turkeys to the president , until some other dude decided that his turkey tasted better than Vose's and presented his own turkey instead. The prez then started receiving turkeys from literally EVERYONE, and this escalated to the point that Coolidge banned the practice... And then, the second he lifted it again, was flooded by turkeys, as well as an array of other animals, including a live racoon named Rebecca. Coolidge refused to eat her and named her a White House pet)

W: Okay, back to reading

Present-day W: (or, rather, watching!)

– – – 

J: This scene is cute

W: Hey look, it's our dynamic! "What's x"  "Look it up"

J: ☠️☠️☠️ ANYWAY.  THIS IS CUTEEE

W: Man is a liar

J: that was the yesest nope ever

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️

W: “They wouldn’t [like him better] if they knew him”  Liar x2

J: Right?! 😂

W: Henry is about to gay panic for three hours straight

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️ poor buddy!’

W: Fellas, is it gay to stare at your best-bro-pal-buddy's lips wrapped around a bottle?

J: I knowwwww

W: I love that the tie isn’t grey

J: PEZ

W: HELL YEAH

J: Ohhhhhhoooopp

W: Poor Henry looks so awkward when she sits on Alex

J: Oh god the flashbacks of school dances

W: I never went to any, so I am immune

J: OH GOD NOW THISSSS IS A FLASHBACK TO HS!  THIS DAMN SOMG

W: This poor man

J: ☠️☠️☠️ hennnryyyyy

W: Poor Henry

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

W: Henry is legit me idk what you mean. Pop culture? Never heard of her? Dancing? Does English country dancing suffice? Non-80s-era pop music? What's that?

J: Here, yes, that's true... I still maintain Alex reminds me of you, though! Not to a T.  Just qualities

W: You've still yet to point out... where. Or how. I still don't see it; you need to hurry up and explain

J: Like the over working himself

W: That's not exactly unique to him tho

J: I’ll explain after

W: Ugh, fineeee. Probably best; I’m getting behind on the transcript

J: Same!  My brains can only do so much at once lol

J: Oh god Henry’s little smileee and then oooop 🥺  (And by little I mean it WAS covering his whole damn face)

W: I knowwwww

J: OPPPOPPPOOOPP

W: wtf was that, Jezebel?

J: Shut up

J: 👀👀👀👀👀 Henryyy 🥺🥺

W: Alex -> “Who would you be, if you were an anonymous person in the world" Henry-> "Gay"

J: ☠️

W: Sorry, I had to

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️ You should be sorry, I ficking almsot choked

J: ahhhhhhh

W: Man's boutta bolt so quickly

J: AGHHHHHH

W: Oof, or not, actually.  That was decidedly not bolting.  Alex had all the opportunity

J: 😂😂

W: And now Alex shall ghost him for a month while they're both gay panicking

W: OH THAT'S NOT FAIR!  HE DOESN'T GET TO TEXT "ARE YOU ALIVE?" AFTER I JUST SAID HE WASN'T ME 

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️ Hahahahahaha! Thank you movie Alex

W: Shut up

J: 😂😂 oh shut up Nora you did not

W: She is exquisite

J: She is!!

W: What.  tf.  was that football vs. rugby thing

J: ☠️☠️☠️ Wot? Does that even mean??

J: Buddy you really ARE as thick as it gets

W: Yeahhhhh

J: Oooop

W: Okay, guess Liam and Miguel are different

W: lasdjflksajdf I love you, Nora

J: ☠️☠️☠️

J: Oh.  Boy.  👀  Guess we will see how spicy these two are gonna get

W: Shush shush

J: Cause I ain’t heard a single f bomb yet ☠️

W: alksjdflkajsf that's very true

J: Buddy is zoned out Miguel you’re talking to a wall

W: I love Amy

J: 😂😂😂 Amy!

W: Buddy.  Calm tf down.  aksdjflkasjdflksajf You posing is not that significant

J: “I don’t know what to do with my hand”

W: "How can I look most James Bond?"

J: 👀

W: THE GENTLENESS OF HIS ARM GESTURE TO BREAK ALEX'S HOLD!!!  DID YOU SEE THAT

J: I ddddidddd

W: Poor Amy

W: HENRY WHAT ARE YOU DOING

J: HENRY WHAT ARE YOU DOINF

W: alskdjf;lkasdjf

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

W: Poor Henry

J: Actually, they may be on the floor again… eventually

W: alksjdflkajfds

J: Oh god ☠️☠️☠️

W: Poor Henry aldskjflaksjfd

W: I wish they hadn't cut out the God Save the Queen thing

J: I knowww

W: Oop, hello Henry

J: I feel like I being a damn peeping Tom rn

W: Henry heard "love at first sight" and went BET

J: 👀👀👀

W: That.  was not that explicit

J: Fair

W: That was addressing the rating thing, not you 🙄

J: Im starting to lose my optimism

J: “I’m bisexual” Oh.  Oh really?  You are?  You don’t say ☠️

W: I love Henry.  And his maypole comment

J: Henry should have been like well I’m straight and sat back while Alex imploded

W: alksjdflkasjf yeahhhh!  "Best bro besties do this all the time"

J: Mhmmm yep for sure

W: Which, tbf, Alex full-on thought, so

J: ☠️☠️

J: THAT LOOK ☠️☠️☠️☠️

W: I'm finally caught up on the transcript 😭

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️ Oh noooo

W: See, I told you they'd be montages!

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️ "How many names do you have?"

W: Oh, not many... Just five

W: I take it back… Make that six

W: SIR

J: ☠️☠️☠️

W: HENRY!  THAT!  LAKSJDF;LKASJDF

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️ And the smug smirk after

W: Damn, homophobic grandfather instead of homophobic grandmother

W: Ooh, Alex, buddy, dealing with having a family like Henry's ain't that easy ngl

J: Yeahhhhh, that was very you-coded (Henry I mean)

W: Haha, let's go, expert-chameleons-in-a-homophobic-family squad

J: Budd- Ooop

J: Back to what I was saying... buddies that windows open

W: This is as bad as those spy/assassination movies where the target stands in front of the window

J: Right!? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

W: Also, in the book, we did know they got a fuzzy photo at some point.  With a long-range camera.  Maybe that's this

J: Trueee

W: Okay, ig this is the true measure of the rating

J: Welp

W: The key 😭

J: With the key on!?

W: Oi, shush shush

J: 👀

J: 👀👀👀👀👀

J: 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

W: You good?

J: *no answer*

W: NOW!?!?!  YOU'RE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION NOW?!!?!?

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

W: Y'all this.  This ain't that explicit. Definitely not worth an R-rating

J: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Tis true!

W: Cas-coded

J: ☠️☠️ Spn can be found anywhere

W: I'm getting cereal, but don't pause; I'm bringing it with me

J: Ok lol

W: You and your fucking lols

J: L

J: I

W: lkj;lkja;lskfj;lsakdfjasdf THAT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY

J: I quit

W: You really thought you were doing something

J: My phone is just against me

W: alskdjfalksdjf

J: ☠️☠️☠️

W: Does June not exist?  I'm starting to think she doesn't.  She wasn't in the photo session earlier either

J: I knowwww

W: Luna's not shown up either. Unless that's who Miguel's supposed to be

J: And his parents are together

W: They're also not div- yeah

W: He will love it... until he gets fired ☠️

J: Eww rude

W: Ugh, I cannot believe I'm saying this about a Jane Austen story*, but that — “It isn’t what we say or think that defines us, but what we do.” —  is a good quote

(*For those not Jezebel, despite being grudgingly somewhat fond of Jane Austen, I also was made to read her stories too many times and now also have a quiet grudge against her/her stories. And I loathe the 2005 Pride & Prejudice story, just on its own merit. Colin Firth/Jennifer Ehle miniseries forever <3)

J: 🤣🤣🤣

W: This poor dude

W: OOP 

J: Uh oh.  I think Miguel IS gonna BE Luna or be the leak

W: Skullduggery ❤️ (Kinda gives vibes of the Doctor Who conversation about, what was it... "With a little bit of jiggery-pokery." "Is that a technical term, jiggery-pokery?" "Yeah, I came first in jiggery-pokery. What about you?" "No, I failed hullabaloo.")

J: This’ll be interesting

J: Oh poor buddy 😂 “once, unsuccessfully”

W: Was that about the cooking comment or the Grindr comment?

J: Yes. Also, call me uncultured I haven’t seen that film either

J: 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

W: Oh no

J: Uh oh 🤣🤣🤣

W: NO!  NO ONE IN THIS HERE HOTEL ROOM AT ALL

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️

W: Zahra!  Don't make assumptions!  Tsk tsk! The "she" is a he, and also hiding in the closet! (I meant that literally, as they do have a habit of that happening, but it also turns out to be figurative too)

J: "It’s all chill"

W: Technically.  They each already had an NDA

J: And now Zahra shall pass the fuck away ☠️

W: laskdf;lkajsdf Henry did not fucking pose ☠️

J: Poor thing!  Does not get paid enough

W: alksdjflaksdjflaksdjf

J: “Oh god”

W: I love them 😭  Mid-tense-conversation and they're gabbing! "And I told my sister!"  "Oh?!  I didn't know that!" "Yeah, she was really happy for us!"

J: IT WAS SO ADORABLE

W: "Technically, I'm the spare"  😭 😭

W: ZAHRA MA'AM

J: WHAT!? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Not "fuckleroy"

J: I said the same Zahra! 🤣🤣

J: Nooooo 🤣🤣

W: This poor woman did not know what she was getting into when she had this kid

J: I love herrr ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

W: WHERE'S THE POWERPOINT :(

W: NEVER MIND AT LEAST SHE MENTIONED IT

J: Oh god.  Oh no.  OH NO ☠️☠️☠️

W: MA'AM PLEASE STOP GOING INTO THAT MUCH DETAIL

J: As a mom I get the concern but still ☠️☠️☠️

W: That's fair

J: I love his dad!

W: Yesss

W: Oh no

W: Is Henry wearing Alex's hat?

J: Yes

W: alsdkfja;lkdsfja;lksfdj

J: Oh my 😂😂😂😂😂

W: HEY, THAT'S NOT THAT BAD SINGING?!?!

J: Right?

W: I thought they said he butchered the karaoke

J: Right!?!

J: Oooop that was the damn I’ve done caught the feelings look

W: Yes it was

W: His dad again alsdkjfalksdjf

W: Ooh, supportive father moments!  Couldn’t be me

J: 🥺🥺🥺

W: You know what's coming btw right

J: Yeah.  Yeah I do.  Shut up

J: And oh no that was cute

W: I KNOW

J: AND OH NO THAT WAS CUTE TOO

W: asldkfjalskfdj

J: Oh my gif he’s a vampire

J: *God

W: Gifs are your gods, to be fair

J: That is- Lol

J: That’s true tho

J: Anyway, he’s sparkling ☠️☠️☠️

W: That's called water

J: I know 😂 but he looked like twilight

W: I know, dumbass, 'twas a joke

J: And that’s Henry’s oh no he’s caught the feelings look

W: Yeppp, poor buddy

J: Oh nooooo!  Buddy

J: Welp imma just go drown myself now

W: Oof, not even a pretense of it being bugs

J: 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

W: hahahha- I'm fine

J: He’s not

W: Nor am I, really

J: 😭😭😭😭😭 Same

W: DAVID

J: Davidddd

J: 😭😭😭😭😭

W: This poor man

J: Pooor budddyyy

J: Nora ☠️☠️☠️  I’m sorry but that look, I died

W: Alex really is fucking thick, I'm sorry

J: ☠️☠️☠️

W: I say this affectionately, but dumbo… wtf

J: Oooo!  OH THE FEELINGNIN THAY

W: What

J: OH THE FEELING IN THAT

W: Oh alskdjf

J: The acting I mean. But also oooop an f bomb!  One more and there’s the R rating ☠️☠️☠️

W: Neither of us commented during that scene because all we'd say is: ouch

J: ! :) That.  Was.  Anyway

J: Hey! You know what

W: ?

J: You know what song would fit this?  Or them?

W: If you say.  That fucking song again.

J: 😂😂😂 And good omens honestly

W: Wait, was it the one I meant?

J: 🙂

W: "Unchained Melody"?

J: Unchained Melody

W: Yeha

W: *yeah

W: No, actually, embrace the cowboy.  Yeehaw

J: I was about to say that (but oh my god my phone is pissssssing me offfff)

J: Oh mah god! I love this song

W: alskdjf I don't like this version tho

J: Sameee

J: What’s that statue doing in the background

W: About what Crowley's does, probably.

J: This is so soft thooooo ☠️☠️☠️

J: AWWWWWWWW

W: aksdjflsakfdj His history would include him and be like "this man was Henry's best friend and they lived together and snogged at times and weren't they such good friends!?!?!"

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

J: Buddy has a death grip on him

W: Okay, not to bring in GOmens but the signet ring is giving me Azi vibes

J: LOL!  BUT THAAAAA RING

W: WHAT?!!?  THE KEY IS JUST-  WHAT

J: Ngl I like the exchange better than just him adding the ring

W: I don’t!!!  I liked the "two homes, side-by-side" thing 😭

J: Yeah that’s true!

W: Uh oh

J: Oh no

W: The emails went out on fucking REDDIT!?!?  Awkward

J: Ack!  But also the slow panic on his face

J: Oooop buddy got angry

W: OOF

J: His "CONTACTS"

W: 'snort'  Sure.  Is that what we're calling fiancées these days

J: 😂😂😂😂

W: BRUH, MIGUEL YOU ASSHOLE

J: LE GASP!  ugh and his little smug look

W: Miguel can fuck off

J: Right!?

J: Buddyyyyyy 🥺🥺🥺🥺

W: Wait, they didn't even get to talk before the speech?! That sucks

W: Ooh, fuck yeah!  ALEX USED HENRY'S PROPER TITLE AND FULL NAME AND SHIT

J: 😭😭😭😭😭

W: I love Zahra btw�� 

J: ZAHGGHHTAAAA

W: Wtf was that?! Also, this is basically her character in Person of Interest and Life, btw

J: 😂😂😂 

J: Her face 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

W: Poor woman

J: 😂😂😂😂😂😂 Im dying

W: Having to sit here like Black Water and listen to rants about Xie Lian, but RWRB universe

J: OOP!  

W: She just spilled so much

J: The wheels are turning for Alex

W: Holy shit, he's so thick

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️ BABBYYYYY

W: OH SHIT THE LOOK

J: AHHH

J: OOOOP HES WEARING THE RING

W: On the fucking stairs alkdsfj

J: that looook!  We haven’t got enough time with them.  We’ve been robbed

J: Ah yes.  This is something I guess you do when you are in an American/British relationship

W: asldkfjalskdjfasdflkj What's the this?

J: I swear I thought he was playing heart and soul but I meant playing together in general

W: … no.  The subtitles even outright said "My Country, 'Tis of Thee"

J: I don’t have subtitles on ☠️

W: That sounds like a you problem

J: Ack! Fuck offf Philip

W: Can I slap him?

J: Please do

W: I miss Bea's rebellion tho

J: SAMEEEE

W: Oof

J: SHUT UP PHILIP

W: I KNOW!  I think he might have a heart attack if he read them though

J: ☠️☠️☠️☠️

W: OOF

J: Oh sir ewwww you read them??? he's your grandsonnnnn

J: Ew x2

W: OOF x2

J: Bbabandbecause!  I said so

W: Man can't even make a complete sentence

J: I have given up trying to type on this phone

W: To be fair, that was basically how he said it

W: WHAT WAS THAT PRONUNCIATION

J: "TAKE THE AMERICAN WITH YOU"

W: alsdkjf

J: Bby you are supported 😭😭😭

W: Oop, damn

J: Suck on that Philip

W: Hey, grandfather dude, you lost the right to call him "my boy" a while ago, btw

J: Ahhhhh 🙂 😁 

W: "Crikey, that's a lot of red"  I love him

J: 😂😂😂😂

W: Henry's kidnapping him

J: 😂😂😂

W: Henry!??! This mannnnn!  I love him

J: AHHH! Love him!!

W: Henry looks so awkward on stage🙄  I love him, but like.  He did

J: 😂😂😂 Poor budddy

W: Are you going to say anything other than cry-laugh emojis in the next half of the react?

J: Probably not 😂😂😂😂😂

W: Bruh, Alex didn't even have to ask… I guarantee Henry has been wearing that key religiously

J: 😂😂😂😂😂

W: Not speaking from experience or anything but-

J: Mhhmmm 🙂 so you-coded!

W: ... That's still me-as-Henry???  I'm missing the Alex parallels

J: I know!

W: You're infuriating

W: HENRY

J: YOU HAVE TO READ HENRYS CHAPTERRRRR! It’s like a what happens next

W: I liked Luna better than Miguel, tbh.  I know they probably couldn't fit it, but still

J: Yeah!  Im so easy to please I just loved it sm idec about what was changed! BUT I do wish it had been a mini series

W: Weirdo.  Imagine being easy to please

W: There's an end-credit scene… Fast-forward to it

J: “Do you think anyone noticed” ☠️☠️☠️

J: I hadn’t reread the book yet but I’m going to now ☠️☠️☠️

[radfemsiren]

There really is no way to win the PR game of surviving as a woman.

If you are on guard and wary of men, you are a bitter, hateful, self absorbed wench. “Ha! You should be so lucky!” Men will cry out when you take safety measures against rape/murder.

But if you are loving and trusting, then you are a silly, naive fool that should’ve saw it coming. “What did you expect dumbass?!” Men will cry out when you don’t take those measures.

This seems sad and blackpilled, but it isn’t! Take it as motivation! Do whatever you want! You have freedom now, since you will be hated anyway! Misogyny is the reason for scorn, not you, my dear. So do whatever you need to do to be safe, and there will always be women to support and stand for you❤️

[escapeintonight]

some hurley thoughts

son and servant of baal peor / lord of the gap

immortal. limited magical capabilities. smells like brimstone.

was assigned to the mortal plane in the 1600s in a teenage guise where he had an illustrious career as a village pest. would make oafs out of as many kids as he could, especially the boys who were put to work by their fathers. convinced a shocking amount of young wenches to run away with other young wenches. many villages starved/had a stagnant population thanks to him!

was supposed to come out of retirement in the 1800s but overslept, resurfaced in the 1970s. still figuring out what he gets up to here, but at some point he becomes infatuated with the stage and shakespeare and gets really drunk one night and performs a very serious monologue at a comedy club by accident. he immediately gets hired by a producer for a new sketch comedy show in the works called CIRQUE, which he now stars in as one of the main players. it's filmed at/distributed by the liberty broadcasting company, therefore making hurley part of the conrad o'malley cinematic universe; hurley definitely knows what conrad's deal is and thinks it's hilarious

an absolute nightmare when it comes to the pr team. he's just always saying stuff, often loudly.

represents the sin of sloth. promotes apathy, greed, selfishness, carelessness. call out from work, ignore that text, cancel that date, don't vote, don't donate, don't lift a finger for anyone but yourself. would be obsessed with the "you don't owe anyone anything EVER" crowd tbh. his people!

in many religious interpretations, baal peor is connected with toilets so he is still an ✨ ibs warrior ✨ "sorry have to go worship my pops again"

dyslexic so cba with writing contracts or any of that soul-selling business, prefers to slowly corrupt you and chain you to a lifetime of bad habits/making you truly insufferable to the rest of society

trying to make it as a dramatic actor, which is brave when you have no work ethic.

[emmashouldbewriting]

To be fair though, what else is Fergie supposed to say? It's not she will say Meghan is a total wench and a crazy witch who has Harold strung up by his balls. Especially, since she is on a book promo PR drive for herself. Her family (York's) are famously semi-sympathetic towards Meghan. The Sussexes have dragged them into their story from day 1, so the polite thing is to say the dreaded couple is a lovely love story and leave it at that.

Plus Fergie always say nice things about people these days when quoted directly. I'd also say the say, lol.

honestly, fergie has been in the game long enough to tell the people interviewing her that she's not interesting in talking about them so please do not ask questions

but that doesn't get her headlines

[judebelllngham]

https://www.tumblr.com/judebelllngham/767437327890087936/trent-is-such-an-attention-whore-im-creasing

attention bed wench even 😭 he’d let attention hit for free atp

i cackled 😭 he needs to let this pr shit goooo. it clearly ain’t working lmfao

[lavelled]

polarized office dialogue.

Puerto Rican voters live throughout the country. If a joke about an ethnic group on the campaign trail takes a vilified turn, then it probably wasn’t a good punchline. When PR was hurricane-hit in 2017, I remember Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz Soto, a reader of mine, secured food, water, and medical aid when generators and federal help broke down. Double-talk that hurts citizens sends the wrong message. Also, be gracious to your election day workers.

Going Postal. An utterance often used to describe anger issues in postal facilities.

On August 20, 1986, Patrick Henry Sherrill of Oklahoma City, a postal employee, walked into a USPS and shot 14 of his workers and wounded six, before killing himself. The rampage was the catalyst for the postal slang.

I was a tween. Henry was 2.

The outbursts of violence were originally blamed on the strain and stress of Post Office culture, layoffs, union grievances—soon people asked: why a post office where you deliver a sealed letter or package? On August 10, 1989, in Escondido, California, John Merlin Taylor killed his wife, two colleagues and then himself at the Orange Glen post office. Did Royal Meghan know about that in her home state? On October 10, 1991, postal worker Joseph M. Harris killed his supervisor and two colleagues in Wayne, New Jersey. On May 6, 1993, in Dearborn, Michigan, Larry Jasion, a postal mechanic, walked into a Dearborn post office, killing one and wounding three others before killing himself. Same day in Dana Point, California, Mark Richard Hilbun, a former postal employee, killed his mother and her dog and then shot two postal workers. On March 21, 1995, in Montclair, New Jersey, Christopher Green, a former postal employee, killed four people, including two employees. On December 19, 1996, in Las Vegas, Charles Jennings shot and killed postal worker, James Brown. On January 30, 2006, in Goleta, California, Jennifer San Marco killed six postal employees and then committed suicide.

You inherited a contract because Charles didn’t want to be perceived a boxing pedophile, which he is. You should have read my letters and emails, watched a biz movie or two and shredded it.

It’s the reshuffling and an accident that drive you.

Prince Harry trespasses on his marriage contract with codes of the day from his vantage point at Twitter. Parading through the Internet is his litany of evidence and reference to tarnished life choices. It has cast a rippling effect on societies, political opinion, art, cinema, schools, and real-world shootings. Noble guesswork. He tweets out, “sketch comedy character I can’t be arsed to write: Sissy SpaceX.” Nothing says well-adjusted dukedom like not giving a shit about your biological kids or vowing partner across the pond so you can direct harassment with regularity to Tom, an actor, who doesn’t scan the Internet for sunken insults.

Prince Harry’s blend of commerce and grossness online is of me and wife. Sure, he’ll tweet the name Jo Koy because of the jockey horsemanship and Regina Spektor to be extra gauche, but his specialty is to loathe his wife like an unwanted guest with a pocketful of sleaze: Brazen Hussy, Cinnamon Lady, Duchess Difficult, Harlot Debris, Princess Kiddy, Wanton Wench, Obedient Whores, Moaning Sparkle, Meghanpedia, Harry’s Grey Suit, skinsuits, second fiddle, hooker, shoo her, ginormous, catapult, data mining, hummingbird humpday, geometric forms, numeracy, seesaw, seafloor, strumpet, surmount, and equine.

There’s waxwork museum representation of this royal couple.

In trying to be somebody, I’ve had relatives die believing I was unlovable and unsuccessful and this smut-peddling vaudevillian accented in the Queen’s English buys a celebrityhood wife so they could produce two heirs, magazine covers, Netflix deals and a whole victimization tour that aggravates young folks and famous Moms to kill themselves, and I’m just supposed to accept it?

He picked his wife for newsprint revenge, public conquering in testing what people will believe, and for offspring. It was a lie. Why retain the marriage?

K

Posts by Prince Harry from his elaborate machine.

3 days before alphabet wedding:

british wheelie:

much ado about gingerade:

8th floor nurse, harry lookalike:

scripted netflix h & m “doc” of dollhouse hologram:

prepared statements:

2021 Time Magazine’s 100 Most Influential Cover Couple:

merch wedding:

 grape jammy-jar duchess company:

alchemy of a patriot royal gang:

 good samaritan civility:

[fereldanwench]

been having thoughts again about how creators (specifically thinking about game devs but could apply to any medium) should really be cautious about getting too involved in fandom and being too accessible to fans on social media. 🙃 for everyone's sake.

[jerseydeanne]

Hat Tip to Valentine Low

Aren't we all enjoying the brutal takedown of the Succubus from hell?

First, we had Tom Bower give a fantastic snarky first chapter and follow it with Valentine Low's insider look.

How the stomach turns Smeggie, and she won't care much, except for Harry. Free PR, and she wanted it this way, to be the most hated woman on the planet.

Congrats, MM 👔 you took the most beloved man and turned him into mush. My question to you is, when will you give him back?

The head globalists are in charge now, and Harry is the low man on the totem pole.

Harry's head is spinning because his book is a mess. Didn't you think climbing into bed with Pearson would bring you trouble? Why didn't you listen to me?

I don't even know how I could advise you now. The Davos crowd is laying down the rules that very few would follow.

Harry, if you love humanity, leave the wench to her own devices. Move to Africa now!

We have a hurricane, and I must watch out for that.

Love, JD

[solastia]

Love And Lies | 3

Pairing: Kim Seokjin x F!Reader

Summary: You are a simple maid. When your lady and dearest friend need help escaping an arranged marriage with King Seokjin so they might be together, you do the only thing you can - take her place. 

You followed behind the man who introduced himself as Chancellor Namjoon Kim, listening to him halfheartedly as he explained that while that was his official title, he was more of a Jack-of-all-trades and preferred calling himself the King's right-hand man.

You smooth your hands down your gown, hoping it was grand enough to disguise the commoner wearing it. You’d changed for supper, something that Eleanor had told you was common for people at court. According to her, depending on the person they might even change outfits as many as three or four times a day! The nobility were a ridiculous bunch, you sniffed derisively to yourself. You couldn’t help but feel sorry for the maids that had to care for all that clothing and the laundresses that cleaned them. Two times a day - not counting your sleeping gown - was extravagant enough for the likes of you.

The ensemble that you had now made you feel like a fairy princess of legend. You were a shimmering cloud of pink and white as you glided along the stone floors. The dress was pink velvet lined with white silk, along with white ermine fur on the edges of the sleeves and bottom of the gown. The bust was embroidered with silver thread and decorated with glistening pearls. You were also very happy to note that the top was much more modest this time around, though not by much. Eleanor had let you pick the jewelry yourself, so you’d settled on a simple strand of pearls around your neck and tiny pearl earbobs. Your hair was left loose and free of any painful and tedious styling with the hot iron.

Truthfully, you rather liked this dress. The fabric was soft to the touch and very comfortable. You even liked the little slippers that matched. When you asked Eleanor why she was letting you wear something like this, she had told you that your previous ensemble had been to impress the King, and this one was to appeal to the man. It was an odd statement considering that your goal was to not appeal to him, and she’d seem rather conflicted saying such a thing. You wished you’d had the time to question her further, but the Chancellor had shown up before you could.

In the end, it wouldn’t matter if you looked rather pretty in your outfit because you knew that eventually, he’d move on to the other women. You had literally nothing of interest about you to keep royalty interested. After all, what could you speak to him about beyond stain removal techniques and how to haggle for the best prices at the market?

Chancellor Namjoon opens a door and ushers you inside, seeming to not notice or mind that you hadn’t even been listening to him talk this entire time.

“His Majesty will be with you in a moment.”

He nods and leaves briskly, closing the door behind him. You take the chance to look around, your mouth falling in awe as you take in the rows and rows of scrolls. So this was a library! You had heard of such things but had simply chalked it up to the fancies of nobles, but this was truly amazing. Beyond the scrolls, there were even parchment tied together filled with writing and little sketches. A few were even covered in decorated leather, something that boggled your mind. Books! You had never thought to see one in your life.

You adored the family you worked for, of course, but not a single one of them had any use for reading and writing. Eleanor could write a little, mostly her name and a list of things she needed that looked like badly designed inkblots. Jungkook was a little better but mostly relied on drawing things out. You remembered the departed Duchess had a slanting script that was like beautiful art to your young eyes. She’d taught you how to read and write before she’d passed, but you rarely got a chance to use that knowledge. You never had anyone to write to and the Duke saw no use for books.

Your hand trailed reverently across the hard leather of one of the bound pages, wishing you had the freedom to peer inside.

“Do you like to read?”

The voice startled you, and you gasped and turned with your hand on your chest.

“Goodness. I’m...sorry, Your Majesty.”

His smile was kind, but his eyes looked like he was laughing at you. “It’s quite alright. So, do you?”

“Hmm?” You hummed softly, distracted by the way his now silver tunic made him glow like an otherworldly being. “Oh, read?” You smile sheepishly, forcing yourself to focus on the conversation and not on his lips. “I don’t get to very often, but I like stories.”

He seemed pleased with your answer, gesturing towards the book. “We got this one from a visiting Monarch years ago. Livres des merveilles du monde. It’s about a merchant named Marco Polo who was an adventurer for a while and traveled through the Orient. I was certain I was going to grow up and conquer the world someday when I first read this.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Ah, the bane of my existence. Responsibilities,” he says dramatically, obviously trying to make you smile. “You may borrow it if you like. I’m not certain if it will be riveting enough for you, but you’re welcome to it. Or anything else here, during your stay.”

He picked up the book and handed it to you, his grin growing as he watched you cup it in your hands and stare at it in awe. A whole book!

You smile up at him genuinely for the first time, your smile wide and beaming with joy. “Thank you, Your Majesty. I’m not certain I’ll have time to finish it since I read so very slowly, but I thank you for the chance.”

He nods, his cheeks pinkened slightly. He gestures with a hand towards a table in the corner.

“I have some warm wine and honey pastries if you’d like to join me. I thought we might have a chance to get to know each other a little more before we have the pressure of an entire room watching our every move.”

“Oh...yes, that will be...tense” you gulp and sit as gracefully as you can in the highbacked wooden chair.

His smile is soft and kind as he pours you a drink. “I suppose despite your status you’re not quite used to court life. Your father mentioned you preferred staying home.”

“Yes,” you stuttered nervously. “I found I was more comfortable tutoring at home rather than being fostered out. I’m afraid the one time I tried, I found the group of ladies rather spiteful and begged Papa to come home after only three months.”

Which was a true story. Eleanor had been sent to the Duchesse Aline Villeneuve - the King’s very own aunt - to learn how to run a keep and other “women’s arts” not long after her mother had passed away from a sudden illness. According to Eleanor, she had been horribly bullied by the other ladies in the Duchesse’s care and she “hadn’t cared to make friends with such vain and heartless wenches, anyhow.”

Personally, you had rather fond memories of that summer, as with Eleanor away you’d had the freedom to do as you pleased and you’d even made a new friend for a few months - a village boy with the most annoying laugh you’d ever heard but had been sweet and fun. The two of you had been inseparable for the entire summer until one day he didn’t show up to the stream you often met at. You still thought of that boy from time to time and hoped he was doing well. You never did learn where he disappeared to.

King Seokjin nods in understanding. “Unfortunately, it’s not going to be much better here. Gossip is practically a form of currency, and whether it’s true or not doesn’t matter,” he rolls his eyes and sits back in his chair, bringing up a mug of steaming spiced wine to his lips. He gulps and sighs, setting the cup back on the table.

“And in your case, it will be twice as bad as you are...well…” he coughs lightly, his cheeks blushing once more. “A high contender to be Queen?”

You sputter on the drink of wine you’d just taken, trying to hastily wipe any spilled droplets before he sees them.

“Yes...err, I am...that.”

“So,” he says loudly, slapping his hands onto his thighs. “I mostly wanted to set aside some time right now so you can tell me things you like to do. I’m afraid I have to live my entire life by a set schedule, so if I had some ideas for my courting days with you that would help greatly.” “Oh,” you smile mischievously, “Yes, I imagine it must be difficult trying to balance so many suitors. Romantic sailing on Monday, serenading on Tuesday, kissing in a dark alcove on Wednesday...”

“You have no idea, “ he groans, only to still and gape at you in astonishment. “You’re making fun of me!”

“I would never, Your Majesty,” you drop your eyes to your lap, still smiling despite the way you were internally smacking yourself. This wasn’t home, you had to curb your tongue.

He squints at you suspiciously. “I have a feeling you would and will. You have some spirit hiding under that demure stance, don’t you Lady Eleanor?” He cocks his head and looks at you with an expression of pleased wonder.

“Perhaps, Your Majesty.”

“I think,” he begins softly, his tone making you lift your eyes to meet his. “In private settings like this, you may use my first name.”

Your eyes widen incredulously. “Oh, I couldn’t!”

“I can order you to if I must,” his smile is playful, even while his eyes are staring at you intensely.

“I...alright. Thank you...Seokjin,” you respond quietly and no doubt with crimson cheeks.

“There. That wasn’t so hard. And...I liked hearing it.”

He stands up and offers you his hand. “It’s time to head to supper. I can escort you as far as to the hall, but I have to go to the high table without anyone seeing you with me. Don’t want them to see you entering the dining hall on the King’s arm; that would make you a target for the harpies,” he winks, linking your arm in his. “You can send a list of activities we can do together later.”

The walk down the hall is too short, but you’d enjoyed the feeling of his strong arm encasing yours and the occasional sneaky peeks of his beautiful side profile. He releases you as soon as the noisy dining hall is close enough to hear.

“I must leave you here, but I look forward to speaking with you on the morrow. I’ll have someone bring the book to your room tonight.”

“Thank you, Your M…” you begin, only for him to raise an eyebrow at you daringly. You glance around you for eavesdropping servants and sigh. “Thank you, Seokjin.”

His beaming smile is worth your embarrassment. “Well done, lambkin. Be sure to try the custard tarts, they are the best!”

He waves and strides off, leaving you to find the waiting Jungkook and be escorted to your seat. Something pricked at the back of your mind, however. Lambkin? Why did that seem so familiar? Perhaps you were just overwhelmed. You shake your head and focus on the elegant supper in front of you as you find Jungkook waiting just inside the door, and he gestures for you to walk ahead of him. You can tell from the way his jaw is clenched he’s dying to ask you about the meeting, but there is no way to subtly speak to him at the moment.

The dining hall was brimming with people and you praised Eleanor for being the sort of noble who kept to herself, since the chances of anyone knowing her here were incredibly low. Your seat is incredibly close to the high table - in fact, it was directly above you. A few more steps to your right and His Majesty would be getting crumbs and wine on your head.

You’re not brave enough to look at him yet, though, and decide to look around for your “competition.”

Your table seems to be where they are all located, judging by the way most of the women gathered around you meet your curious gaze with measuring looks of their own. Most of them turn away after a few seconds, obviously dismissing you as not a threat.

One girl that looks similar to Eleanor all the way down to her bouncing curls grins at you playfully and waves at you with the chicken leg in her hand. You nod in answer, adding a slight smile as you decided she seemed nice enough.

A regal brunette meets your eyes with a quirk of her eyebrow, blatantly looking you up and down. Her lips thin and she pointedly turns away with a sneer, clutching her silverware almost threateningly. Alright, she will not be someone you want to know.

Directly across from you is a redhead and you snort, coming to the realization that His Majesty literally has every color of the rainbow to pick from for his bride. Variety is the spice of life, you suppose. This woman seems very disinterested in everything around her, however, focusing on her meal and only interacting with servants to refill her goblet.

At the head of the table and directly at your elbow is the one that you can only assume is the Princess. She is incredibly pretty, you have to admit. Her dark black hair is mostly loose and cascading about her in waves. The sides have been pulled back and secured with a large golden hairpin the size of a dagger with little jeweled flowers adorning it. Her dress is strange yet beautiful. Silk or satin, if you had to guess. The top was lavender and embroidered with flowers and some sort of serpent that vaguely looked like a dragon. The bottom was nearly peach-colored and consisted of the same decorations. Her features were sharp and sculpted, with high cheekbones and a thin nose. She looked exotic and lovely, but it wasn’t until her smile blinded you that you realized she was beautiful. She met your eyes with a twinkle in hers, reaching her delicate hand up to point at herself.

“I am Hosook. You?”

“I am Lady Eleanor Rose D’Aily, Your Highness,” you answer slowly, assuming that the way she was squinting while you spoke was her concentrating on your words. Perhaps she was learning the language still.

“You for him too?” she asked with a wave behind her at the high table.

“Yes, I was brought here for the King. I’m sure you’re a much better choice.”

The Princess smiles her understanding and waves away your compliment. “Too...ugg,” she grunts, obviously failing to find the word she wanted. She chose instead to flap in the general direction of King Seokjin like she was shooing away a fly.

“You...aren’t attracted to His Majesty?” you ask in a hushed voice. How could anyone not find him the most beautiful being to ever walk this earth?

She sticks out her tongue, “Reminds me of Haraboji...uh...Grandfather?”

You sputter a laugh which you know is too loud, but you can’t help yourself as Princess Hosook giggles with you. You feel yourself being watched and glance up to lock eyes with the very man in question. The King looks down at you curiously, his lips tilted in an amused smile as you can’t stop your giggles. Suddenly, he winks at you and you look away quickly as your laughter dies down into a shy smile.

“Oh,” Princess Hosook says slyly, clucking and patting your hand with a grin. “I see now. You nice, make pretty Queen.”

“Goodness, it’s not like that at all. We just met,” you rush to explain, your excuses being waved away yet again.

“I like…” she waves between the King and you. “Nice together. Uh...need more words,” she grumbles quietly, biting her lip.

“I could help, if you like? I helped my Lad...err...my Ladies Maid learn how to read and write.”

Her smile was beaming as she nodded her head in agreement. “Yes. Need be better to deal with them,” she nods her head towards the gaggle of noblewomen surrounding them.

“I understand. I have to wait to hear which days I need to spend with the King, and then we’ll set aside some time for us!” You smile kindly at the Princess, who grins back and attends her meal with much more gusto now that she had something to look forward to. You sigh and quietly thank the powers that be for making some sort of friend to get you through this, and one that you were able to fall back into your natural state of submission with. It would be easier to explain any lapses in your behavior if you were just a mere Duke’s daughter shadowing a Princess, rather than being with the other women who were basically your equals and expected you to be just as much of a spoiled prat as they were.

The meal comes to a close (and you were amazed that you only caught yourself staring at His Majesty less than five times), and Jungkook is back at your elbow to escort you to your rooms. As you accept his helping hand, you feel someone tap on your shoulder. Princess Hosook flicks her eyes up and down Jungkook with an exaggerated waggled of her eyebrows. Her hand goes to her chest and she mouths something that you assume is complimentary. Jungkook’s eyes are huge as he tries to follow what’s happening.

You giggle and slap his arm. “She thinks you’re handsome.”

“TAKEN…” he squeaks, “I’m taken. Sorry..uh...lady...majesty…”

“Always pretty ones,” Princess Hosook sighs and waves goodbye with fluttering fingers, disappearing with her own small army of attendants.

You continue to laugh quietly as Jungkook begs you to stop. You pause just before leaving the hall and catch the King’s eye right before he leaves for his own apartments. He smiles and shallowly bows, and you watch him until his broad shoulders disappear from sight.

“Sis,” Jungkook mutters quietly as he herds you back to your hallway. “You can’t…” he sighs. “I’m sure you think he’s handsome and he seems to be nice to you, but you can’t be with him. You remember that, right? You’re not who he thinks you are and he’d find that out if you were to marry him. I am literally stealing a potential bride from him, and the moment he finds out, he can kill us all.”

“I know, Jungkook. I’m not an imbecile.”

“I know that, but you’ve never been courted before. I forgot about that and now I’m worried that you’re over your head.”

You sigh and loop your arm in his as you walk. “I suppose I forgot that he’d be trying to win me over as much as the rest, at least at first. I might have let the sweet words and smiles affect me, but I promise Jungkook, I’ll remember. Besides, I saw the other potential brides. I am no match for them. The novelty of someone new will fade in a few days, and I pray that we have the deed to the keep no later than a month. Then, I will tell him that I don’t think I’m a good match for the Kingdom and we can be on our merry way.”

He sighs wearily and tugs you close for a quick hug. “I know, I trust you and your judgment, I just got worried. If he does anything that makes you uncomfortable or makes you feel compromised, let me know. I don’t care if he’s the king, I’ll throw down my glove.”

“You’ll not duel the King, Jungkook. Go seek your bed, brother dear,” you say with a tiny smile, pushing him away from you once you reach your room. “Tell Eleanor when she comes back from the kitchens she can go straight to her room. I won’t bother her tonight because I’m so exhausted from all this excitement I’m going to fall asleep the moment my head hits the mattress.”

Jungkook grins, a look you really don’t want to identity lighting his eyes. “Will do. Sweet dreams, sis.” He stomps off and leaves you to close the door to your opulent apartments.

You yawn and observe the room as you undress, leaving the layers of clothing across a chair to be taken care of the next day. The room was spacious and absolutely gorgeous, decorated in lovely shades of robin’s egg blue, white, and gold. There was an entire room just for clothing, one for washing, and yet another whole room for your ladies maid - something that Eleanor had seemed suspiciously excited about. You worried that she was going to try yet again to seduce her love now that she had a new sort of freedom without her father about.

You crawl onto the giant golden bed and arrange the blankets over you as you fight off another yawn. A full belly and an overwhelming day full of excitement seemed to be all your poor body could handle. Another yawn and you drift off to sleep, visions of warm brown eyes and smiling lips filling your dreams.

A/N: 

1. Yes, that is Hoseok. He’s a pretty princess today. 

2. I don’t really like using the term “exotic” but since this is a historical and being done from the viewpoint of a person in the middle ages, it seemed fitting. 

3. Oh, look at that totally huge and obvious hint to the past. Hmmm....

[wellboyhowdy-fr]

one of these could be yours for the low low pr!ce of: 

idrc please just help me get them out of my lair i’m drowning in these cute wenches and they eat, a lot,,,

all are ungened but ik seeing scries can be helpful! color/eye info is in the image details. i’m happy to negotiate on all of them, most of them are PWYW anyway, and there are a LOT more where these came from! boosts are also super appreciated, not least bc i always end up posting these in the middle of the night lmao. ty for reading this far! l/nk will be in rb.

[wench-and-jezebel]

NCIS Reaction: Marine Down

Wench (@scripted-downfall) reacts [with (maybe) occasional asides by Jezebel (@typicalopposite)]: a transcript from a voice call

[Is always a dead person.  Like, it’s never an inside job, never stealing, nothing.  Just death]

Well, this is new… we don’t usually start out with a wake

[It’s Jim!]  Well, that was weird  [He’s not dead]  Also, we also don’t usually start out with the person being not-dead… Also, so much for “always a dead person,” I guess

Tonyyy

Always confuses me why they have lab techs have gun training

[Is McGee here!?! 💕]

I mean, the cutout losing an ear isn't the end of the world… At least she's alive and not killed by the hostage-taker!  [Noooo M3GAN ptsd!]  We have to react to thattttt

[Damn not the phone going on the target]  Love that Kate cared about her PDA but Tony cared more about the hat alskjdf  [He’d have took my phone and I would have quit]  We would both pass away if your phone died

I do appreciate the threat to the boat, though it’d be kinda sad to lose it :(

He gave Abby the hat!  [Abbbyyyyy]

"Computers can sense fear"  [I love Abby]

Gunpowder perfume seems awesome

Tony has Post-It notes everywhere… Even on his lamp

Wait, surely McGee's gotta come in: Abby's got a new perfume (huh… that was half-joke but I wonder if they're still a "thing")

It's Jim's ghost and you're watching Supernatural  [Sam and Dean are gonna show up]  Bringing back the long-forgotten the priest outfits

That was a very unsympathetic "You have our sympathies,” Kate

Sealed caskets?  That's suspicious… Suspicious circs

Poor Tony, results redacted

[Poor Tony still looking sadly at the hat]  Noooooo

Tony's (listed in the system as) DEAD?!?!?!  I told you it was an SPN episode!  [☠️☠️☠️]

Wait, was the PDA shot?

[“Not everything is a conspiracy”  But it is Kate]

Why is Gibbs always making them move with absolutely no warning

THE PDA WAS SHOT  [Poor phone ☠️☠️☠️]

And at least Tony got a new hat :)

"We can’t release how they died because of the way they died"  WELL HOW'D THEY DIE THEN?!?!

Body language isn't thattttt accurate

[Quantico!  Criminal Minds crossover!] alksdjf

What is it with higher-ups always interrupting their employees?  Grissom in CSI does it too

What were those significant looks about???  (Serious question; that was not a very awe-inspiring reveal)

The layers of deception here though

I do appreciate that Gibbs and Tony tend to play off each other in terms of banter.  I mean, they clearly know each other's interrogative strategies

[Why are they talking “secretive” stuff just… in the middle of the office]

Also, I thought Gibbs had clearance for the documents???  That was a whole conversation topic?

Abby's love language seems to be caffeine-drink reception  [CafPow]  Ducky gave her one during the MMORPG one

Kate and Tony are leaving together; gonna go burn Gibbs’ boat now

That was abrupt, Kate

Imagine being good at art  [Shut up you are!]  Uh-uh  [Uh huh]

*artist jealousy intensifying*

[Tony is such a childdd!  Like, in a Dean way]

The drawings though alksjfd [Uh oh, she’s got Gibbs drawn like one of her French girls]

I hate the whole "I need x time" "nah, take y (less than x) time” trope

Snow is pretty  [Something we never get]  Noooo

Creepy photography  [He looks.. right at the camera… But doesn’t see the camera]

I like her turtleneck

Does Abby have a clown on her shirt?  [Probably]

Such a coherent message  [Yep total confirmation of him being alive]

"Hizzouse" was kinda obvious though, especially given context

Dude, the distortion though

Why do they even bother with the "I thought x, but was wrong" section of the debriefing?  [☠️☠️☠️]  They do it in every lab show

“We’ve got a dead man calling”  I'm surprised that wasn't the title…  What the hell does Marine Down even mean?

Why would you screw shut a coffin?  Unless you're in Supernatural.  Or the X Files.  [Very true]

"Calls from grave" was a Supernatural episode summary, I remember it

Poor Ducky has not been in this episode  [Well they never had a body]  I miss him :(

I love the mini drill

[BUM BUM BUM]  This.  This is an SPN/X Files episode

– – –

Wench: I'm.  Highly confused.  It feels like they keep saying something  and then backtracking.  And then going forward again.  And then backtracking.  It’s like the circles thing, but a plot point not just a line/speech

Jezebel: Yeah!  And, honestly, I can’t even remember this episode past the beginning when he calls her. So this all feels new to me too!

Wench: But for real, we haven’t actually had a plot because they just... "he dead" "he not dead" "he calling" "he not calling" "gibbs has access" "gibbs does not have access" "he dead" "oh wait he not dead" "he not calling" "oh wait he calling" "oh wait he dead"

Jezebel: Yeah it’s just dead guy called wife.  And it’s mysterious.

Wench: Because to the extent that there is a plot, it just kinda.. ouroboros's in on itself?  I don't know if I'm just missing stuff or if they're being unclear but what???  Like, they just said he looked alive?

Jezebel: I think they are confused

Wench: I will say... have you seen The Mummy?  Because this makes me think of a scene where they open a sarcophagus and the contents are still decomposing and the line is literally: “Why does he look so… juicy?” in this really memorable exchange… (We better react to that or else)  That is what's going through my head… EXCEPT THEY HAVEN'T SAID WHETHER HE'S DEAD

Jezebel: MYSTERIOUS

Wench: I will say that I haven't been especially annoyed by the characters.  Gibbs hasn't been his usual bitchy self

Jezebel: This is the Gibbs the writers intended him to be

Wench: Kate's been decent too, and I appreciated her interactions with Tony.  It kinda feels like they've that sibling energy they were talking about in the other episode, where they're bickering, but not nastily?

Jezebel: Yeah

Wench: Anyway, it kinda feels like the Dark Angels we've been watching where... nothing... happened.  

Jezebel: Right.  And they just kinda waffle back and forth, especially since they’re acting like something bad happened, but he looks all peaceful?  So it’s like… It looks like he's dead and has been dead, in the position of being dead, and not like he was just up and around and calling his wife.  So unless he decided to just go ahead and die, hands clasped over stomach, all we know is that something bad happened, except what if it didn’t

Wench: Right.  And we still don’t know, is it bad in the context of his work or not?

Jezebel: Yeah

Wench: All I’m saying is, this be a Max POV episode

– – –

“We screwed that up”  Screwed what up?  What exactly could have gone differently?????

[Why does the guy whose picture is on the wall under bin Laden’s look like Michael Myers?]

"Unless your calling plan include an afterlife" SPN-coded

"Married four times"  Has Gibbs really?  Dang, boi!

[Look at Tony fangirling over gibbs]

Why do they keep talking in jargonnnnn

DUCKYYYYYY  [Well… now he’s got a body]

Has he been embalmed or just consumed formaldehyde?

I told you Tony was a closet nerd!!!  WHAT DID I SAY?!!?!?

Tony, stop ogling the dead dude [☠️☠️☠️☠️]  Ya necrophiliac

I appreciate the recognition of the limits of autopsies and time-of-death estimations

The chuckle though

[This still doesn’t explain… HOW HE called the wifeeee]

THEY SAID THE DUDES WERE POISONED WITH FORMALDEHYDE; WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS????  [Because they have forgotten they said that]  alksdjflaksdfj

Gibbs and his time pressures  [Right?!]

Once again, the only appropriate explanation seems to be supernatural… (lower-case this time)  [Isssa ghost]

What's with the random map in the background?  [I think it’s just always running]  What a waste of energy!

AGAIN WITH THE TIME PRESSURES  [Gibbs: Chop chop]

OH NO THE PAPERWORK MIX-UP HAS A PURPOSE [Bum bum bummmmm is not Tony!]

Chickadee, you were not subtle about that turn though

[Blech]

Poor Ducky  [Just wait til you meet Jimmy]  Is that a good “wait” or a bad one?  [He’s basically bby ducky]  OH LOVELY  [Glasses and all]

Ducky, ya good?  That was a very abrupt motion  [The cringe tho]  BUDDY WHAT'S THE MATTER?!?!?  [Oh shit he was shaking]

"I think he knew something was up" NO SHIT YOU WEREN'T SUBTLE  [🤣🤣🤣]

Poor Tony, identity theft once again

Speaking of not subtle, this dude-

[I swear Tony always gets the short end of the stick]

WHERE DID THE GUN COME FROM?!? WHY IS THERE JUST RANDOM GUNFIRE?!?… Is this gonna be terrorists again!?!?

[Gibbs talking to himself now]

Woman, slow down with the numbers alskdfj

Um.  Tony.  Calmeth downeth the flirtingeth  [“But I look good”]

Tony being very concerned about Gibbs right there… very sweet  [He be like: boss you ok? 🥺🥺💕]

“How many agencies do you know that drive economy-class armoured cars?”  I'd wager most of them actually

Tony and Gibbs have Connections  [The way he looks at Kate like how can you NOT tell?]

"I have to get better at reading men"  Bitch, you can't read people because you're not empathetic.. it's not a sex/gender thing; it’s a you thing

DUCKY STANDING UP FOR HIMSELF; THANK YOU

Gibbs did not help

Oh come on not the dumb!Tony trope again [Ooooof]

ONCE AGAIN IF THIS IS NOT ABOUT HIM DRINKING THE FORMALDEHYDE I’MA LOSE IT

Can you read the newspaper you just pulled from the dude’s body?  [The newspaper in his neck made my eye twitch!]

TONY DOING THE TRANSLATION YESSSSS SMART TONY TRUTHERS ARE WINNING THIS EPISODEEEEE

aksdjflkasjf 

Can we get some straight answers one of these days?  Please?  [So much is happening but so little is happening, and it’s confusing]

Tony recognizing Gibbs is pissed and thus dialling up his own anger… Love it  [I got you bab- I mean boss]

I love her glovesssss

THEY ARE DIGGING UP A GRAVE IN A CEMETERY AT NIGHT.  ONCE AGAIN: THIS IS A SUPERNATURAL EPISODE!!!

Where's the salt?

"It's not like we couldn't do this during daylight"  *haunted Supernatural expression cast vaguely in Tony’s direction*  Bitch, you don't know the struggle

"You afraid of ghosts?"  How many times do I have to say it?  SUPERNATURAL

[He keeps looking at Kate like, “see he’s so upset”]

Oop-, Tony knowing how to use the technology is awesome

That was a very abrupt scene change

Kate, this is why they invented coffee!  [Kate needs a Caf-Pow]  Weaklings.  Imagine needing sleep!

ONCE AGAIN.  I’M BEGGING Y’ALL TO REMEMBER THE POISONINGS

[Long pause…. “Poison”]  lksadfjlsakdfjaldskfj WHAT IS WITH THE LONG PAUSES IN GENERAL THOUGH?  [Old people]  alksdjfaksldjf  [Gotta be dramatic]

Dude made off with the ransom money?  Rude

This conversation is so dramtically-paused for why

Dude, they're not backing off just because you say to.  That never works.  Ever.

SEE?!!?!?

[Ack]  Unsafe flying conditions right there

Poor Kate

TONY STILL HARPING ON THE JETSSSS; I’m loving it

"Sure"  That’s very convincing, Tony, bud

[Gibbs is asleep]  Have you seen Aliens?  If not... *whistles and adds it to the list*  [A long time ago]

Tony knowing Gibbs well again

[Ok that was adorable]  He has so much energy and for why  [‘Cause he’s petty af]

See, HE understands coffee

Weakling.  Just use the bag.  Privacy be overrated!  [Behind the boxes]  IN the boxes

[Awww she Boujie… Now Kate’s gonna be upset]

It is kinda dumb for him to just stick around

She just better not be bitchy about it

Whenever a character says "humour us,” you're in trouble

Y'ALL ONCE WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE POISONING?!!?  They stick in random details for no reason and then never touch them again.  Chekhov's gun just got unloaded and shipped off for scrap

[He a mordorerrrr]

It's so weird not seeing Weatherly in a wheelchair.  Honestly, I kinda forget they're the same actor.  Like, I can see it?  But they're really different in character/personality/acting.  [Which is crazy cause it’s only a few years difference]

This storyline is so confusing.  What exactly is even happening?  [I have no idea]

I might go read through the script before/during endpoint just to try and figure it out.  And I'm not sure it'll help; they just kinda... jump from idea to idea  [Good luck ☠️]

Tony taking off his cap to protect it from the gunfire alsdkfj

[btw I think they were oh this will be interesting for a plot]  Right… And I mean… it was interesting.  But only in the fever-dream kinda way.  It doesn’t really make sense.

This poor marine  

What is this dude's issue with Gibbs????

Oof  [Well damn]  Gibbs gonna feel real safe walking out after you just killed the last dude

"Just wanna talk" Y'all are talking now?!?

HOW ARE THERE ONLY THREE MINUTES LEFT IN THIS EPISODE!?  [☠️☠️🤣🤣☠️☠️]  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLY GONNA BE RESOLVED

Oop- return of the shooting range storyline!  I saw those significant looks between Tony and Gibbs. Only problem: Tony gonna shoot the marine's ear off  [Aghhh M3gan ptsd… again]

"I can't believe you trusted me"  He didn't

[Well damn]  That situation.  Did not need that level of force.  [Brutal]  Bruh, why did they both shoot?!?!?!  [In memory of the hat and phone]  WHY DID THEY BOTH SHOOT MULTIPLE TIMES? EACH!?!?!?  (Also, RIP hat and phone)

[Damn!  That’s wholesome!]

Good for these people, but I feel bad for the wife who didn't get her husband back and now has to watch the other reunion [☠️☠️☠️]

And now has to watch the other reunion

The kids are precioussssss

NO BUT THE GUY’S EAR *&(#*&!(&R*(!&$)!(*&#@$!()  I SAID IT!  I CALLED IT!  WHAT DID I SAYYYYY… I mean.  At least Tony's a consistent shot?

This chick again!  One of these days, we better figure out who she is!

Also, there's a random yellow ribbon around the tree and it's making me think of the song  [You don’t know what that means tho?  The yellow ribbon?]  I know the song...?  [No a yellow ribbon is for a lost loved one]  Oh, damn.  [🤣🤣]

– – – 

Wench: Dude, we never found out what was going on with the person taking the photographs???

Jezebel: Could it have been the guy at the end?  Who specifically wanted to speak to Gibbs?

Wench: I don't think so; wasn't he supposed to be in Colombia?  ALSO WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH THE CALLS?!?!

Jezebel: I don’t know 🤣🤣

Wench: Honestly, my first reaction is a quite solid wtf.  I have 0 clue what just happened. But at least it wasn't terrorists again?

Jezebel: Very much same 🤣🤣🤣

Wench: I wasn't cognizant of the fact that 45 minutes just passed.  In terms of what happened, I feel like that was an episode worth of inconsistency and plot holes.  Feels kinda harsh to say, but it's true

Jezebel: And they will never be filled ☠️🤣

Wench: I even looked at the wiki and just… wot?  Very thorough wiki, with no answers to be had.  (I honestly think the the thoroughness didn't help because it basically just recited the show, whereas I need some kind of broad summary to get what the hell was going on.)

Jezebel: Right

Wench: I did appreciate the characterization this time.  And am very glad that Ducky got a chance to be annoyed about the "boring" allegations.  

Jezebel: Yess

Wench: And calling out his assistant on the headphone thing

Jezebel: YESSSS

Wench: Especially because when I worked in a lab, they didn't let us put on headphones or play music or anything because we had to be able to hear if something went wrong.  And admittedly that was a chem lab, not a morgue where (hopefully) things aren't moving — you know, in an ideal situation 🙂 — but it thus strikes me as weird that he had headphones on

Jezebel: I didn’t really remember him, tbh.  I think most of the episodes I’m remembering are from s2, so I’m used to that version of Kate, and Tony, and Gibbs.  And that’s the season with Jimmy, I think.

Wench: And McGee isn't here as much as you seem to remember either

Jezebel: Right.  And I thought he was introduced as a side thing-

Wench: A one-shot character?

Jezebel: Yeah, and then he wasn’t in the episode after, but was in the one after that… And then he joined for good.  So this is… weird.

Wench: Yeah, I definitely hear that

Jezebel: I will say, Ziva joins for a long time, and I do like her and Tony… I mean, they’re the actual canon thing developing.  But she’s sometimes a bit… meh.  And not as interesting as the thing with Tony and McGee.

Wench: So what I'm hearing is... pros of multishipping?  I mean, ya know... Tony has two hands.  That just seems to be the solution to all of our problems

Jezebel: Right 🙂  There’s also a ship that comes out of Mcgee and Abby dating…

Wench: Well, that already started, right?  Or at their first date did

Jezebel: Yeah.  I start getting into ick with ships like Gibbs and Abby.  Because I don’t like that.

Wench: Oh, absolutely, that’s familial, not romantic.  Same with Gibbs and Tony, tbh.  Like, I can see joking about it, but it’s far more Tony hero-worshipping Gibbs than anything, and not more.  I don’t think I like it.

Jezebel: Right.  You can see how other people see it, right-

Wench: Yeah

Jezebel: But it’s like… It’s like shipping Dean and Jody.  It’s just weird

Wench: I don't like thatttttttttt

Jezebel: Anyway... if I can come up with anything to say for endpoint... Uh.  GOT IT.  Abby's gloves were great!  Honestly, highlight of the episode.  ‘Til next time!

[silencedtechnophile]

==> Do something about it

The ship hummed around him in the darkness. Something, somewhere, was beeping near the meat puppet hung in the rigging that limited his abilities with a biological bottle neck. His head was so fuzzy. Which is what they wanted. He was too smart, they knew what kind of damage he could do if he werent forcefully throttled. 

He worked slowly. The plan had come to him in an instant, as he'd gotten encouragement from the helm chat. He could do something. He could affect his situation. He was not fucking helpless, he refused to be.

First he carefully hacked into the mediboard that controlled his blood chemistry. He fiddled around with it so its output would remain steady, but it would cease giving him the brain fogging drugs.

That took a while to make it out of his system, every moment of it afraid someone would draw a random blood draw to double check the mediboard, though that was passingly rare. They trusted their equipment.

As his head cleared his body began to hurt, he had a sudden more complete awareness of the agony of the living wires burrowed under his skin, and the way his shoulders were wreched and taking all his weight.

He had to adjust the output again to smooth out his heart beat so they wouldn't be alerted.

Pain was fine. He could deal with pain, he could think and that was what mattered right now in this moment. Blessed clear thoughts. Every moment he delayed was a moment his gamble might be discovered so he worked quickly, spoofing his address from outside the ship while he expanded his own permissions. HE could open and close doors, he could even open and close airlocks, but he wasn't trusted with them.

He wormed his way into the controls, granting himself admin powers at the root level.

Then he just had to wait.

This was the part he had the least control over. Her movements.

Now that he'd given himself root acess and no longer needed the clarity to hack the ships permissions he left the door he'd created open, and went back in to fix his medications and outputs back the way they had been, by the time he had his opertunity he would be fully drugged again, they wouldn't be able to tell it was him. ------------------ Being the Empress had its perks. No waiting in lines, getting to take par in destruction and culling without consequences, running fleets of ships, not having to tolerate any mischief, being feared and respected by everyone at default. But most importantly? Not having to do shit unless you want to. This is one thing Meenah took advantage of as much as possible. If she didn’t have to get up and go somewhere to get something done, why would she?

In her younger years, the idea of taking the throne had caused her nothing but annoyance and disgust. Being taken care of like a wriggler, being responsible for a planet full of easily influenced and hasty trolls. Taking care of her lusus indefinitely, and having to personally feed her each night. Making a quick and not very discreet exit from her original planet had been a great decision. She’s stood by it since it happened, all those sweeps ago in an universe that never quite fit to her tastes. Being born there had felt like a cruel joke once she knew what she had missed out on.

So when she had spawned here some number of sweeps ago, she had been horrified. Devastated. They won and she, as always, got absolutely shafted by the universe. That is... until she took a good look around and evaluated her situation. Beforus had been a little pond, full of toothless guppies. And she had been a shark, unable to even turn around in the limited space. But Alternia? Alternia was a vast sea, with plenty of prey to sink her teeth into and depths to claim as her own. It was as if this gift universe was molded for her, a refined combination of two planets and the two lives she had lived through. The best part was that she had gotten to float over the hard parts, the initial rise to power and the conquering and culling of her personified roadblocks. The endless cycle of teaching her throneworld to submit.

There’s no shame in admitting she’s fully enjoyed the spoils of her new life, entirely content with trading a few sweeps for her position. Hell, she was a tyrian. There were plenty of sweeps to spare, she would do it again.

Which led to this, a three night streak of kicking up her feet in her own block on the flagship. The Battleship Condescention.

Okay, fine, maybe she should have been doing something more important than catching up on dramatic cinema when there was a rebellion to stomp out with her boot. But things were fine. They were starting to close in on the short, mouthy, ship thief. Her biggest potential problem was nice and cozy some number of floors below her, tucked into his ports and wires like a wriggler to coon. And no one else was stepping up to oppose her. Even the most powerful and feared leaders of societies had to take a break, let the tide ease them out.

Of course, all good things come to an end. This time, it’s the portable communications device implanted into her tiaratop. Already missing her makeshift getaway, she flicked a claw against the gold and her features were illuminated by the live footage of one of her on hand advisors. She scowled at him, lip jutted out and pierced brows raised to put emphasis on her annoyance. “We got a, y’know, a problem.” He grunted, the last word coming out like pr-ah-bl-im. “Sum’thin’ funny, ‘kay. Minor. We’re handling it, swear it ma’am. Got someone on the f’rewalls, set that right. But...”

When the purple hued troll went on to explain, she was furious. Someone had managed to nudge at their security systems and give them a test and it took them a few nights to tell her? Her pan whirled to the worst and most paranoid conclusion. Someone from their session, probably that infuriating time wench or the pirate enthusiast, maybe a turnaround from her own Makara if he’d been fully awakened in their new planet.

She stormed about to get ready, pan immediately set to force her commandeered pissblood battery to help her track down and eliminate the source. If her goons couldn’t get the job done, he was going to do it for them.

“Soon as I grill this guppy, you’re gettin’ sautéed. Fried.” Meenah, better known as the Condesce, set her focus entirely on a stomping beeline for the exit and her threatening tangent. “Pike it or not, best get ya’ affairs in order. Boat t’ sea what the pointy end a’ my golden prod ‘eels like embedded in ya’ b’ass. No shrimp-athy for the in-conch-petent, set a bet’a example for the school.”

The door to her block opened with quiet ‘swish!’ as she took her first step out. And then another. Somewhere, a number of clicks below stationed near the central engines, a troll was probably filled with justifiable anger and excitement. With the Empress there was nothing but the light, sharp sound of her heeled boots in the metal corridor paired with the rough undertone to her flurry of words. The advisor on the other end of her video chat cowered, sputtering excuses as she glared down her defined cartilage nub at him. “And if you e’fin conch-sea-der tryin’ to catch a wave trout’a here, I ain’t mako-in it snappy.” She continued her tirade, satisfied by the way the other troll’s eyes went wide and his jaw slid open. “Yeah, that’s moray p’ike it. Best get ya-shelf practicin’ on a look a’ ray-morse.”

“Actually,” he started, gaze averted to the light over the airlock behind her. It blinked red once, yellow twice, and began to shift to green. “I think -“

“Clam it, small fry!” She stopped her determined march to point a claw at him, as if he were really a few feet ahead of her. “Can’t bay-lieve ya’ got the swimmers to gab at me, blowin’ bubbles slap full a’ bullshark.”

Just behind her, the light held steady at green. The advisor stumbled in his warning, horrified and relieved and stalled by his shock as her hair whipped away from her face and her words trailed off. There’s a second where the familiar sound of the airlock opening seemed to halt time. Meenah looked over her shoulder, and then to the projected feed of the lower blooded troll. For the first time in sweeps, she barked a laugh. And then? “Son of a’ eldritch pailin’ bitch.” She bared her impressive chompers, fins flared backwards in her surprise, disbelief, and pure offense that someone has made an attempt on her life. The tyrian scrambled to dig her claws into the metal wall beside her, a cringe worthy noise produced when they drag through the reinforced metal. “You gotta be krillin’ -“

“Maybe if -“

In what might be the most anticlimactic turntables of a story ever, the airlock smoothly opens the rest of the way. Sweeps in the past, there is a time traveling maroon blooded, grudge obsessed troll glancing through the ages and chortling at a joke no one will understand much less believe. The seadweller’s yellow painted claws dig and clip away in a desperate swing at survival. The hatches to the other blocks through the stem are sealed shut, and whatever artificial air was being released dissipated the minute the immediate area was exposed to space. Meenah had a moment, maybe two, to reflect on the mistakes that led her here. Putting an airlock directly outside the door to her block, entirely for the purpose of disposing of any unwanted visitors. Not once considering that someone might turn this around on her, or capitalize on her desire for the dramatic. Leaving her block using her balancing prongs at all, when a transportalizer would have been safer and faster - but would ultimately have lacked in the build-up of intensity and hostility that a chance to strut and lament and publicly humiliate and shortly thereafter kill her most recent workplace pest. If she had more time, she might have thought of a few more excuses to shift the blame a bit.

Including, but not limited to: This Must Entirely Be Megido’s Fault And Here Is Why, the three part series of essays assembled by Meenah Peixes. Or the potential ways Aranea could have somehow subverted death and the fate of their session altogether to somehow ruin the one fun thing she has EVER had the chance to do, seriously, what a Jealous Jude. Or maybe this is the fault of the younger Vantas, who mysteriously fell into her lap around a sweep ago and... well, he was disappointing as a whole until he managed to actually do a backflip off of the handle and body his way out of holding.The diversion of resources from the facility had been an oversight, and the cause of it was promptly replaced and reassigned to dinner duty. A more appealing way to refer to the main course.

Any of those things could have led to this, but none of them did. All the time in the world, and she likely never would have thought her laziness would play a part in her downfall.

It did, though. The metal peeled away from the support column, and the lurching movement broke her grip. It was inevitable. Meenah tried to yelp out a curse, perhaps one last bit of defamation for her last words, but nothing actually came from her throat. Her lips twisted and her expression caught somewhere between anger and fear. The last thought to coherently hit her ends with ‘- and this bucket of chum is the last thing I get my peepers on, really?’ as she wS forcibly removed from the flagship and sent careening into space.

A few blocks and a couple lifts away, the flabbergasted advisor had already dispatched armed forces. Not that it mattered, he decided. The connection to the tiratop flickers more and more as she departs, but the image of his frozen taskmaster tells him there’s no rescuing from that.

Her skin was flaking with ice, fins back and shining tyrian as they stretched, thin eyes obscured by the ice on her lashes, teeth exposed from where she tried to get the last word. The sight of her being quickly and surprisingly easily dispatched hadn’t left him hopeful for saving her, and the last glimpses of her expression deterred him from even attempting to recover her corpse.

The Empress was dead.

[wackygoofball]

Moodboard: Jaime x Brienne - Renaissance Fair AU

Jaime is not really surprised when The Call arrives. He has received that traditional mail for many years now, but he still hoped that people would show some kind of understanding for his situation. But apparently, his family doesn’t seem to care much about the fact that he is short by one hand and is most certainly not in the mood to take part in the Lannister Inc.’s annual renaissance fair to somehow keep up PR for a company that is more of a shark of the industry than anything else.

Some years back, he even enjoyed the task. Jaime nearly always got one of the leading roles, played a knight and could put his fencing lessons to good use. However, ever since the amputation, Jaime tried his best to stay away from swords, the loss of his hand and the ability to follow most of his former hobbies still too painful for him to admit openly.

However, here he sits now, face-to-face with his little brother who insists that he has to join the ensemble because Jaime is one of the few employees who actually knows how to wield a sword, ride a horse, and how not to make a complete fool of himself if confronted with a script and/or improvising.

“Though I would mean to add that as a one-handed man, I think I will not exactly be any less of a fool than the Wildling dude trying to speak the medieval tongue,” Jaime huffs.

Tyrion is not willing to back down, though, promising his older brother that he has a role for him in particular that would be a perfect fit for him. And knowing that the clever dwarf will not back down, Jaime can only agree with a sigh, simply hoping to get over with this ordeal as soon as possible.

Brienne doesn’t know what to make of the news of The Call, which is more of a murmur around the office once the invitations are ending up in people’s mailboxes. She has only been in King’s Landing for a few months since she got the job offer as a coordinator in the logistics department of Lannister Inc., which has her wonder what all that fuss is about.

Though considering the visitation soon coming upon her in the shape of Jaime’s dwarfish brother Tyrion, Brienne rather regrets ever having asked. Because she thus finds out that Tyrion spend way too much time on researching her personal background to be sure that, yes, she was part of a fencing club back on Tarth, and that, yes, she knows how to ride a horse, and that, yes, she has a private sword collection, though it still remains a mystery to her how he ever learned what part she played in the school play back in middle school.

Tree No. 2, for the record.

While it’s bad enough to come to realize that her colleague has the capacities and will to do such extensive research on her, Brienne is ever the more irritated at the idea of dragging her personal life into the working sphere. She rather wants to keep matters private, and having people know about her hobbies and background will inevitably lead to follow-up questions Brienne does not want to answer. Even more so once Tyrion shows her the scripts, which are actually no more thank background descriptions for the characters they are meant to portray, no written out text safe for a few lines he found witty, which means she would have to improvise, something that Brienne knows for a fact she is not good at.

Yet, Tyrion keeps begging until she relents and agrees to play her part. Because Brienne can’t have him following around the office any longer as he threatens to get on his knees to beg her in front of the entirety of the office, which is even worse than taking on that stupid role, or so Brienne reckons.

Though Tyrion makes no mention of the very fact that this means Brienne is stuck with Jaime Fuckin’ Lannister of all people. The two have had a rocky start ever since she began her work at the company and he mistook her for a guy, only to keep calling her Brian for a while until he settled for “wench” for some inexplicable reason. Ever since then, the two have been fighting over at the office on a regular basis.

And now they are supposed to continue doing just that, with swords, which would almost be dream-like if Brienne were actually allowed to knock some sense into the man.

Thus, once the costume fittings take place, both are in for a number of bad surprises as Brienne soon finds out that she will mimic a mannish lady knight, whereas Jaime is presented with a different kind of prosthetic, a friggin’ golden hand and is supposed to pose as her captive.

“For real?”

“It’s fancy! Look at the ornaments! Plus, you can slap someone with it!”

“Well, at least it’s golden, I guess.”

Since it’s been such short notice for the two, they don’t have much time to prepare a sword fighting choreography, something that leads to increasing tension between the two as Jaime’s frustration over his amputation reaches a new peak, constantly being knocked into the dust by Brienne, whereas she is just about done with his lamentation and name-calling.

And to make matters impossibly worse, Brienne soon has to realize that Jaime takes almost mischievous pleasure in heading down the rabbit hole of improv and forces her to move along his stories, which are almost always off the script Tyrion handed them and grow to almost epic proportions. By the end of the second day of the fair, Jaime has spun an outrageous tale about the two, and Brienne has to run with it and help enact it, even though she hoped to just be done swinging her sword and looking mean.

But no, he makes her act – and apparently much more than she had to do as Tree No. 2.

So no, Brienne is not enjoying herself, whereas Jaime only seems to enjoy to annoy her.

Yet, there actually seems to be more chaos as the other colleagues seem eager to enact schemes and sabotaging one another in the historical Game of Thrones fashion, which has Jaime and Brienne soon realize that maybe their fights are not nearly as outrageous as this whole travesty is.

As they continue to spend hours after hours together, it appears almost inevitable that they get to know one another more privately than either one ever imagined. And to their even greater shock, actually start to enjoy one another’s company, because, apparently, they have more in common than meets the eye.

And so, the two soon find a common ground, Jaime finally gaining some confidence in his one-handed sword fighting style whereas Brienne finds a way to improvise and step up her acting game to certainly surpass her Tree No. 2 performance.

It seems almost inevitable that feelings soon start to bloom between the two, though there is hesitance since they will have to return to their usual jobs after the fair is over and Brienne in particular is not happy about the idea of mixing private and professional life even more than it already did. Yet, very similar to the characters they came to portray, there is an undeniable connection, an almost irresistible drive towards one another…

[shysideho]

Me:alright time to go to the gym!

My lower body: alright! Let's PR on a lot of stuff today! You're def making improvements!

My upper body: wenches belong in the kitchen. It will take you four weeks to PR in one thing.

[juanitasupreme]

eteri is a witch/wench/ wicked wicked woman indeed literally trying to PR her way out of DOPING A 15 YEAR OLDLJUVSAD deadass parading miss trusova (the girl who cursed her tf out after winning silver) around and not letting trusova out of her sight trying to pretend theyre a family I FUCKING HATE IT HERIEUFWUIAFH plus theres more tea about the state awards russia gave the gworls

An evil woman... when will they stop her? What's the tea 👀

[imtherealsebastiansatan]

"Some anons really freak out when fake rsns in the entertainment industry are mentioned." Honey, you're a tiresome wench. No one cares if it's a fake relationship, but the likelihood that it is is TINY because it's done little to nothing positive for either one of them. Fake relationships tend to have specific goals and they end quickly when those goals aren't met. So just go back to your little "it's PR" hole and enjoy whatever it is you do there.

If you wanna talk fake... Tom and Zen.