#welled up on this mission and felt so embarrassed that I’m so emotionally invested in Johnny Silverhand

[junktown-siren]

[inlovewithfictionals]

Just Like Us, In A Way. (Jason Todd x Reader)

A/N: Yep, i’m writing for Jaybird. So I got this prompt from my friend and I was going to write it about Dick, but then I remember that Jason loves to read. So I thought this would fit more with Jason. Oh and there’s a spoiler for “The House of Hades” book, so if you want to read it, might wanna skip. Unless you’re fine with spoilers. And there’s a Harry Potter reference in this, so I’ll just let you know that ‘Y/H/H’ means ‘Your Hogwarts House’. Ok bye! Enjoy, loves!

Prompt: “What if you wrote about person B on the house, reading. And they’re in the middle of the feels, and then person A enters the room and was like ‘What’re you doing?’ Then person B explains and person A’s just like ‘that sounds like us’.”

Warnings: Fluff (it feels weird to write a fluff for Jason), a couple of curse words, a small drop of angst (and I meant really small).

Word Count: 1580

   It’s a calm night at Gotham. The night sky is pretty clear, a slight cold breeze in the air, not much noise outside nor inside Y/N’s and Jason’s apartment.

   Y/N is sitting on the couch alone, reading a book called ‘The House of Hades’ while munching on some potato chips. She was supposed to go on a patrol with Jason and the rest of the Batfam tonight, but because of last week’s event, she had to stay at home and rest.

   Basically, Bruce had told Dick, Jason, and Tim to go on a mission, while Damian and Y/N had to stay. Much to their dismay. Apparently, the mission was ‘dangerous’. Which is why Jason didn’t want her to come. “It’s too risky, Y/N.” he had said. As for Damian, he was sick but he still protested that his father didn’t allowed him to go. He finally gave up in the end, being too tired to argue.

   But Y/N? She didn’t gave up. Like the stubborn girl she is, she decided that she’s a big girl and that she can handle this ‘dangerous’ mission. Besides, maybe they need an extra help. And how bad can it be?

   Long story short, she ended up having a sprain on her left ankle, a bullet wound on her shoulder and a pissed off, overprotective boyfriend. Thus, she had to stay at home for a couple of weeks and rest.

   Now, here she is. On the couch, alone, emotionally invested in a book. As usual.

   Jason and Y/N both loves to read. Whether it’s about science, thriller, fantasy, or an old classical books, they’d read them. That’s kind of the reason why they clicked. It’s the similarities between them.

   Sometimes, they would read together before bed. Y/N’s head on Jason’s shoulder and his’ on top of her head, reading along. He’ll complain out loud if one of the characters did something stupid or embarrassing and he’ll comfort Y/N when she’s crying over a characters death. Or he’ll laugh at her for crying over a characters death.

   “He’s just a fictional character, doll.” Jason chuckled.

   “He’s much more than that and you fucking know it.” She cried.

   This time, she’s all alone. Therefore, no one can comment anything about her being emotional because of a book. Unfortunately for her, that didn’t last long.

   Y/N was too deep into the story when Jason arrived. He enters through the bedroom window, expecting to see her curled up on their bed, asleep. But confused when he sees no one in the room. He checked the bathroom, but no one was there as well. Taking his helmet and domino mask off, Jason starts to worry.

   I swear, if she goes on a patrol without me knowing-

   His thoughts was stopped once he saw Y/N on the couch, with blanket covering her shoulders, slightly shaking, and whimpering softly while muttering “oh my god, I love them.”

   Never mind, then.

   He peeked from the back of the couch to see that she’s reading a book. He forgets about his previous worried feeling and almost giggled on the sight of his girlfriend in the middle of what she often called “feels”.

   Jason takes off his gloves and shoes, and went closer to Y/N’s oblivious self. When he got closer, he looked at her from the behind the couch, right beside her left shoulder. “What are you reading?”

   Y/N was jumped. She screamed and on instinct, she hits him with the book. Jason falls back, groaning in pain. As soon as she heard him groan, she immediately realizes that it’s just Jason.

   “Jason! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to smack you!” She exclaimed, while giving Jason a hand.

   “For a paperback, fuck, that kind of hurts.” He groaned, holding his forehead above his right eyebrow where she accidently hits him.

   “Well, next time, announce your arrival first, Todd.” Y/N laughed.

   Jason laughed, grabbing her hand and stands up. He jumps over and sitting beside Y/N that already has the blanket around her again.

   “So, how was patrol?” Y/N asks him while flipping the page.

   He shrugs, putting his head on her lap. “Not much happened. In fact,” he paused to laugh. “Your book-attack was the hardest hit I got tonight.”

   “Must’ve been a slow night then?”

   Jason hummed in agreement. “Hey, you haven’t answered my question. What’re you reading?” He asked again, looking at the cover.

   “The House of Hades.”

   “Rick Riordan?”

   “Yeah.” Y/N answered shortly, eyes are still on the book.

   “I thought the series was about demigod and stuff.” Jason said, his tone was a little confused but interested, in a way.

   “It is. Why?” She asked, suspicious. Jason smirked, looking at the ceiling.

   “Before you hit me, you were in the midst of ‘feels’. Emotionally attached to fictional characters again, Y/L/N?”

   Y/N groaned in annoyance before putting her bookmark and shutting the book. She hugs her book tightly as if she’s defending it and herself. “I can’t help it, Jason! They’re so perfect and I love them so much!” She whisper-yelled at him.

   “But what exactly happened, though? Cliché stuff and all that or…?” Jason chuckled.

   Despite him acting like he was only making fun of her, he was actually curious to what happened. He loves listening to her rambling about the story on and on. Sure, sometimes she spoiled the story for him. But sometimes, he didn’t mind.

   “Well, two of the main characters, which just so happens to be my OTP, falls into Tartarus. Also known by mortals as Hell. That happens because one of them didn’t want to let go when the other falls and in results, both of them falls.” Y/N stopped to take a deep breath as she placed the book on the coffee table.

   “And now they’re suffering on this hellhole, surrounded by monsters. Each second there could kill them and they have to find a way out. While doing so, they fight through hell, literal hell, alongside of each other. No matter how tough things gets, they don’t leave each other and I just got so emotional by this. So, no, it’s technically not a cliché thing.”

   Y/N’s eyes was glossy the moment she finished, but she managed to let out a small chuckle. She’s sad, angry at the author for putting these characters into this situation, and last but not least, she felt embarrassed. Even she herself thinks that it’s quite embarrassing to cry over a fictional story.

   She covers her face with her hands as she cries softly. Jason who was now laughing, sat up and embrace her tightly. He’s careful not to hurt her ankle or her shoulder. When he calmed down, he removed her hands from her face, and wiped her tears away.

   “Hey, it’s okay. They’re two of the main characters, after all. I’m sure they would be fine.” Though Jason, also being someone who loves to read, knows that not all main characters on any kind of story, survived. He of all people would know that.

   “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.” She noted, her voice still shaking. However, her voice was laced with a hint of playfulness.

   “You are correct, TEN POINTS FOR Y/H/H!” He playfully announced, still holding her on his arms.  She started to cackle at him.

   “You know, these people are just like us, in a way.”

   “Really?” Y/N questioned him. She had calmed down from her emotional state.

   “Yeah. I mean, we also suffered on a hellhole called ‘real world’ and we always fight together. No matter what.” Jason smiled, giving her a kiss on the temple.

   “And we would, stupidly, hurt ourselves for each other.” He says while glancing at her and her injuries, back and forth.

   “Oh you mean…” she lifts her ankle, wincing slightly. “…this?”

   Jason sighed, his face full of concern and signs of protectiveness. “You shouldn’t have attacked that goon. Look where that put you.”

   “The guy was about to attack you. I couldn’t let that happen.” She told him.

   “I could handle him, that way you wouldn’t be the one getting hurt. It should’ve been me!” Jason argued.

   “Jason, it’s just a sprain and a bullet wound. I’m fine. The point is that you and I are alive, and that’s what matters.” Y/N puts her hands on his cheek and gave him a reassuring smile. A smile that could calm anyone down. A smile that he absolutely adores.

   Jason smiled back, giving her a quick peck on the lips before placing his nose on hers. “How did I find myself a girl that could be so reckless on a mission and yet cried over a book?”

   “You’ve found yourself a treasure, babe. Don’t waste it.” Y/N smirked.

   “Don’t worry, I won’t.” He placed a passionate kiss on her lips.

   They stayed like that for a few more seconds before they pull apart. Y/N puts her head on top of his chest and sighed calmly. The room was filled with a comfortable silence, until Jason broke it.

   “So, are we going to read that book tonight?” He says, referring to the book she was reading.

   “It’s the fourth book on the series. You sure you won’t mind?”

   Jason thought about it for a moment and then he just shrugs. “I don’t mind.”

   Y/N tidy up the living room first before grabbing the book and her blanket and went to the bedroom, with Jason trailing behind.

   “Jason, you might want to change your outfit first.”

[dearest-bucky]

That don’t impress me much (One Shot)

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Sometimes fancy dates with fancy people and fancy flowers are not enough to make someone fall in love.

Words: 2.3K

Warnings: none for this one really, just cuteness hihi

A/N: This is loosely inspired by the song with the same title by Shania Twain. I really hope you like it. 

A/n 2: One or two days before my old blog got deleted I got an anonymous request that was in the kind of in the same lines of this story but I will still write it because I will mix it with something else to create a different story. Okay so this was just a reminder for the anon (who probably doesn’t even follow me here lol) that I haven’t forgotten their request and I will have it posted right after I’m finished reposting all my old stories. 

Originally posted: February 27, 2020

“Okay Dad America, he’s here so I got to head out.” She pecked Steve’s cheek lightly, leaving a pinkish mark of lipstick in his skin and headed out of the compound.

“Don’t wait up for me.” She jokingly called behind her shoulder and then she was out of the door.

Steve and Natasha chuckled in unison at her antics, meanwhile Bucky who was pretending to be invested in his book, huffed in annoyance.

She looked absolutely gorgeous, wearing a navy blue long sleeved dress and black sandals. Her make up was as always on fleek and she was ready to make any man in New York fall in love with her.

It was yet another date for her, they were becoming a recurring thing lately and Bucky absolutely hated seeing her dressed up to the nines and  leaving with another man that wasn’t him. Despite his annoyance, he was trying to keep the focus on his book, but miserably failing anyway.

“You know you could always ask her out and then you won’t have to see her run off to another man’s arms.” Natasha stated matter of fact.

Bucky just rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything.

“She’s right Buck.” It was Steve’s turn to speak.

This time the brunet closed his book in annoyance and got up from his spot on the couch.

“Like you two know anything…” His words were out in a mumbling voice all the while he was walking out of the common room, more than relieved to be out of the overwhelming presence of the Black Widow and his punk best friend.

Of course he hated seeing y/n go out on these dates, and he absolutely hated all the guys she dated. They were all too sophisticated and rich and they smelled like money from far away. The good thing was that y/n never liked any of them that much as to offer them a second date, but for how long? Bucky was sure someone would soon come along and steal her heart if he didn’t do something about it, but how could he tell her he had feelings for her? How could he compare to any of those other guys?

Sure, being an Avenger and living in the compound meant Tony was always stuffing their bank accounts, but Bucky felt like he couldn’t even get to the level of those guys, not only financially, but also emotionally. He could never offer y/n what they could. He could never make her happy like one of them could. And that’s why he kept his mouth shut.

*

Another failed date. Y/n realized it as soon as she entered her date’s car. He handed her a big bouquet of red roses, that was way too exaggerated for her liking and kissed her cheek lightly.

She smiled but she couldn’t help feeling she was just wasting her time.

Men always went out of their way with surprises and gifts, like pearly jewelry or in this case overly expensive bouquets of roses, thinking she would appreciate the materials and fall for them or something. No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t get a normal date. Possibly one with a certain handsome broody super soldier.

She kept going on these dates with these men trying to make Bucky jealous, desperately hoping he would say something, but she never got a reaction from him. Maybe he just didn’t like her that way.

Maybe all of her attempts to get his attention hadn’t worked.

She swallowed the lump that formed in her throat by the unpleasant thoughts and smiled sweetly at her date. She had to at least look like she was having a good time.

The ride to the restaurant was short and she was thankful for that. But when they set foot inside the place, y/n immediately felt suffocated by the stuffy atmosphere. That place screamed expensive, with the crystal chandeliers and porcelain plates.

While she enjoyed the nice food and everything, she couldn’t help but let her mind wander to the possibility of Bucky being with her there. Maybe they wouldn’t be there at all anyway. She knew how much Bucky hated the crowded places and she knew she would enjoy being with him anywhere, it didn’t matter how classy or expensive the place was.

“So I’m hoping next time we could escape for a whole weekend in my cabin in Vermont.” Mark was already making plans for a second date and y/n couldn’t wait for this first one to be over. He was so sure in himself it made y/n laugh at his face.

“I’ll let you know if I’m free.” She replied politely, not wanting to be unnecessarily rude with him.

They skipped desserts after y/n pretended she wasn’t feeling all that well and he drove her back to the compound again. When he stopped the car outside the building, he got close to y/n, trying to get a kiss from her, but at the last moment she shifted her face and his lips met her cheek.

Mark sighed quietly but smiled nonetheless.

“Thanks for tonight, I had a good time.” Y/n spoke almost too quickly, wanting this to be over already. “Good night.” With a small smile she opened the door of the car and got off.

“Don’t forget the flowers.” Mark called after her animatedly.

She turned around and picked the heavy bouquet. “Sure, we don’t want to forget the flowers.” The words were hushed out under her breath and she bid him good night for the second time before going inside.

It was only a couple minutes past ten, so she was surprised to see that nobody was in the common areas. She entered the dark kitchen with a sigh and put the bouquet on the counter, then headed to the fridge to get a frozen yogurt.

Only when the light of the refrigerator illuminated the place, did she notice a silhouette sitting unmoving in one of the armchairs, head hanging low.

Y/n gasped loudly, despite being an Avenger she was scared easily and immediately turned the light on, seeing Bucky sleeping uncomfortably in the chair.

He woke up by the noise she made and locked eyes with her.

“Hey, you’re home early.” He said after checking the time on his phone.

“Yeah, wasn’t feeling too great.”

Bucky’s eyes averted from her face to the giant bouquet of red roses and he shook his head slightly. “That’s a really big bouquet.”

Y/n chuckled, not totally calm yet.

“Yeah, I thought that too.”

They stared at each other’s eyes for a little too long for y/n’s liking. Bucky made her feel nervous and every time he looked into her eyes it seemed as if he was able to read her every secret thought.

She cleared her throat in an attempt to compose herself, before talking to him again.

“So where is everyone else?”

“Steve and Sam got called on a mission. Tony is in his lab with Bruce and Vision. And the girls went out for drinks I think.”

Y/n felt a little bad for Bucky being left alone. No matter how much time passed he still wouldn’t be 100% comfortable around Tony and vice versa, so with every person left in the compound being with him, Bucky felt like he should just step away.

“We can watch a movie together if you want?” She offered without really thinking.

Bucky’s eyes widened at her words, and she took that for having stepped a boundary or something, so she quickly added “If you don’t want to go back to sleep that is, or if you just don’t want then that’s okay too. I just meant that it’s just us…”

She started rambling and she wouldn’t be stopping any time soon if it wasn’t for Bucky interrupting her.

“I would love to watch a movie with you, y/n.”

She blushed at his words and then nodded her head.

“Okay, great! Just give me ten minutes to get out of this dress and into some comfy pjs and I’ll be right back. You can pick a movie if you like.”

With that she got in the elevator, heading to her bedroom.

Bucky didn’t know what movie to choose, so he figured he would just wait for her to pick one. It was a little less than 10 minutes later when she re-entered in the kitchen, this time without any trace of make up in her face, her previously beachy curls gathered in a messy bun and wearing a cute pajama with little elephants imprinted on it.

Bucky thought she never looked more adorable.

“So, you picked a movie yet?”

“No, I figured you could do that.”

She scrolled down on Netflix to find some good movie, before deciding to watch Clueless. It was a light choice, funny, cute and she always thought that Josh was too cute and he and Cher were so good together.

They sat on the love seat, a blanket thrown casually on their laps and started the movie. It was a good one, a chick flick but Bucky liked it nonetheless.

He was focused on the storyline when around the middle of the movie he felt y/n’s weight on his left shoulder. He tensed a little, but relaxed again just as soon after, because it was y/n, and he loved having her near him. Besides she was never scared or repulsed by his metal arm.

Not long after her, he felt his eyes closing too and they were both fast asleep next to each other.

*

In the morning y/n was the first to wake up, feeling her cheeks flushing with embarrassment when she realized she had fallen asleep on Bucky.

Being tucked close to his chest, his head was resting on top of hers, and she could her his deep breaths. He was still soundly sleeping. Y/n didn’t know what to do, if she moved she would wake him up, but if she didn’t the other members of the team would see them cuddling on the couch and she didn’t want to hear their teasing.

She tried to carefully free herself from Bucky’s arms but his grip tightened unconsciously and she huffed out a short breath.

Bucky started stirring in his sleep and she could sense him waking up.

“Good morning.” He rasped out and oh god, his sleepy voice was the sexiest sound she had ever heard. She slapped herself mentally and tried to keep her thoughts in check.

“Morning Buck. I’m sorry I fell asleep on you last night.”

“I don’t mind.” He replied, now being fully awake.

She smiled sweetly at him and didn’t know what to say. In that moment her phone chimed and she picked it up to read the new incoming message.

Mark: Good morning. :) Would you like going on a breakfast date with me?

She sighed upon reading the message. Bucky who couldn’t stop his eyes from  stealing a quick glance at her phone screen stiffened visibly and started retreating his body from hers.

“I suppose you have somewhere to go..” his voice faltered at the end of the sentence.

Y/n put her phone down and turned to look at Bucky. “Not unless you want me to stay here.”

“Doll I-”

“Should I stay?” Her interruption surprised him. She looked like she was almost pleading him to ask her to stay.

“Do you want to stay?” He asked unsure, not knowing how to answer to her question, actually fearing he would answer the wrong thing.

“Very much.” She didn’t even hesitate to give him that answer. “I am tired of going out on dates with guys that aren’t you.”

Before she could loose that boost of confidence she had no idea where came from, she continued speaking, her voice carrying all the feelings she was trying to communicate to him.

“I am tired of carrying these heavy exaggerated bouquets every other night and I am tired of having to be polite to my dates and refusing their expensive gifts and their second dates requests.”

Bucky eyes widened with every word leaving her mouth, but he didn’t dare interrupt her.

“I don’t want to put myself through the same useless process of dating people I know I won’t give a chance because I have my eyes on someone else. And I don’t want to wait anymore to tell you this, I really like you Bucky. And it’s okay if you don’t feel the same because-”

He didn’t let her speak anymore, pressing his lips softly to hers. Her breath hitched when he kissed her, but she wasn’t planning on turning him down. With newfound eager she reciprocated his kiss and he was all too happy to keep tasting her.

Too soon for her liking anyway, he broke it off and rested her forehead against hers.

“I really like you too sweetheart.” He whispered near her lips and she couldn’t hide the smile that spread on her face.

“But I can’t compare to those other guys. I can’t offer you expensive jewelry or fancy crowded restaurants dates and I-”

She pecked his lips for a second, just to get him to stop, before she distanced herself from him, but never going too far.

Her hands went to cup his cheeks while she locked her eyes with his.

“None of that impresses me. You know I don’t care about any of it. I had the best date with you last night, just watching a movie and sleeping next to you.” Her voice was sweet and honest and Bucky didn’t have any other choice but to believe her.

He covered her hands that were still resting on his face with his and smiled  lovingly at her.

“You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever had the pleasure to know, you know that?”

[sunflowervolvimp3]

More Than a Melody (II)

Warnings: None

Pairing: bar musician!Harry Styles x Reader

Summary: Y/N doesn’t expect to see Harry again, so she doesn’t call him.  Which he calls her out on when she sees him again.

Word Count: 1.8k

A/N: here’s part 2! I really hope you like it, as this is still one of my first writings on my new blog.  Please let me know if you like it, and reblog if you do! or shoot me a message! I’m still trying to get exposure on this blog, and anything really helps. and I really want to know if people like them! Also if you haven’t watched Cheer on netflix there’s kind of a spoiler? So watch Cheer on netflix and become emotionally invested and then come back and read this.

{masterlist}

“I can’t believe you didn’t call him.”

You sighed internally at Charlotte’s statement.  It was the fifth time you’d heard it in five minutes, and it was starting to get on your nerves. “I can’t make you believe it.  That’s your own problem.”

“I just—” Charlotte paused as she opened the door to the coffee shop, shifting the textbooks in her hand to do so. “Harry was attractive!  And talented!  And cute! Why wouldn’t you call him?”

“Because I’m not ready to be calling anyone!” You said exasperatedly, following her into the shop. “Parker and I just broke up—”

“Four months ago!”

“And I’m trying to focus on my studies!”

“Bullshit!” Charlotte snorted. “Last night, you binge watched the entirety of Cheer on Netflix.”

“I had to see if Navarro would win Daytona!” Your voice was defensive as you both got into the line.

“Well, they did. Which means the rest of your nights should be free to study, or go on dates with cute musicians!”

You groaned. “Give it a rest, Charlotte.  It’s done.”

She paused. “You know, it’s not too late to call Jack—”

“Jesus, Char…”

She shrugged as she approached the cashier. “Just saying.”

You inhaled deeply through your nose, closing your eyes for a moment.  You knew she was coming from a place of concern.  She hated to see you holding yourself back and keeping to yourself. But the truth was, you just didn’t feel ready to pursue any sort of relationship.  After the last relationship you had, you were scared. It would take a lot of convincing for you to allow yourself to get close to anyone again.  And, as luck would have it, that convincing was about to start.

You stared at the menu board in front of you, trying to decide on what to order.  You had your favourite drink, of course, but without fail, whenever you approached the till, your mind filled with all the things you could try.  

You turned around to speak to the person behind you. “I’m still trying to decide, if you’d like to—”

Your mouth dropped open. A grinning Harry stood behind you, his green eyes sparkling with amusement.  

He was dressed more casually than the last time you had seen him, as he wore a white t-shirt with a jean jacket overtop, paired with jeans that clung tight to his legs.  His curls were as messy as last time, and when he spoke, his voice was just as rich.

“Need help deciding?”

Your mouth opened and closed for a moment before you found your voice. “What are you doing here?”

“Getting coffee.” The amusement in his eyes grew as he held up the travel mug in his hands. “Is that surprising?”

You felt heat rush to your cheeks. “Sorry.” You mumbled. “I just—I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Or you just didn’t expect to see me.” Harry said with a laugh. “You didn’t call.”

“I-I lost your number.” You said quickly.

“How?  Did you get into an accident and lose your hand?” His grin grew.  He was enjoying himself, and it was at your expense.

“No.” You replied hotly. “I just do this really weird thing called washing your hands.  You may be unfamiliar with it, but it tends to get rid of things like germs or ink.”

“Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of that.” Harry snickered. “I’ll have to try it some time.”

A silence fell between you two, one that you couldn’t stand.  You’d never been good with silences in conversation.  To you, there was no such thing as comfortable silence. There were only awkward pauses, which you had to fill with bumbling sentences.  Like now.

“I really—I didn’t mean to—I’m sorry I didn’t call.” You bit your lip, shifting your weight from your left foot to your right.

“It’s alright, I—” Harry laid his hand on your shoulder gently, moving the two of you from blocking other customers. “I know I was being cocky, giving you my number while you were on a date.  You don’t owe me anything, really.  I was just kidding a moment ago.”

“What do you mean?  I wasn’t on a date.” You answered, confusion apparent in your voice.

Harry matched his tone to yours. “Yeah, you were.  That bloke you were with, Jake?”

“You mean Jack?” You asked in surprise. “We weren’t on a date.  At least, not to me.  Our friends ditched us.  We just met that night.”

Harry raised an eyebrow. “So…it wasn’t a date?  You were just hanging out?  As friends?”

You nodded.  Harry’s grin returned.

“I take it back, then.” He said smugly. “I’m glad I gave you my number.”

You snorted, crossing your arms. “It was still cocky.”

“Was it?”

“We had barely spoken!”

“We’re speaking now.” Harry pointed out.

You rolled your eyes in response. “Now doesn’t count.”

He sighed in exasperation, but the amusement in his eyes was still there. “What about once I buy you coffee? Will it start to count then?”

You chewed your lip, weighing your response. “Maybe.”

“What are you doing right now?” Harry asked, his fingers drumming against his travel mug. “Do you have time to sit and talk?”

“I’m actually here with my friend, Charlotte.” You glanced over your shoulder. “She’s—”

“I’m right here.” Charlotte walked over, her mocha already in her hand. “And I’ve got to run!  But Y/N can totally stay and talk.”

“Wait, I remember you.” A grin came over Harry’s face. “You were at the bar.”

“I was.  I was the one who dragged this hermit out of the house that night, so you’re welcome.” Charlotte matched his grin. “Keep her as long as you’d like.”

“Charlotte—”

“Bye!  Text me if you’re coming home for dinner!” She called before dashing out the door.

Harry laughed. “Your friend seems eager to get rid of you a lot.”

“She’s eager for me to meet people.” You sighed. “She thinks I avoid it.”

“I’d say she’s right.” Harry replied, making you scoff.

“You hardly know me.”

“And whose fault is that?” He countered, raising an eyebrow. “Let’s fix it right now. C’mon, let me buy you a coffee.”

You sighed, but nodded. “Alright.  Fine.”

Harry smiled triumphantly and got back in line.  He ordered for you, repeating back your drink modifications perfectly and purchasing a latte for himself.  Once you had your drinks, you followed him to a set of chairs in the back of the coffee shop, pulling yours out before sitting down in the chair opposite you.

“Thanks.” You said, taking a sip of your drink.

“You’re welcome.” He replied, sipping his own. “You know, I’m curious about something.”

“About what?” You asked.

“Charlotte set you up with that Jack guy, and now she’s trying to encourage you to hang out with me.” Harry began. “Why is that?  She seems pretty set on—”

“Setting me up? Yeah.  It’s a problem.” You sighed, tapping your fingers against your coffee cup. “She means well, but…”

“What’s the deal with it?” Harry asked again. “Is it like, a mission of hers?”

“Sort of.  Mostly it’s because…” You trailed off, trying to pick your next words carefully.  Normally, you wouldn’t speak of your past relationship, but you felt like you could trust Harry. “I broke up with my long-term boyfriend four months ago.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Harry murmured. “How long were you together for?”

“Three years.” You looked down. “It turned out that he was cheating on me, so it wasn’t much of a loss, but it just—it sucked.  So I’ve just been…taking things slow in the dating department.”

“I can see why.” Harry said, his voice sympathetic, but tinged with embarrassment. “I feel like a bit of an arse for harassing you now.”

You snorted. “Believe me, this isn’t harassment.  You’re fine.”

“I’m not, like…trying to force you to do anything you don’t want to.” He said this slowly, watching your reaction. “I’m not the type to—to try and—”

“Harry.” You cut him off quickly, feeling your cheeks heat up. “You don’t have to say that.  I’m not looking for a relationship.  I think I’ve made that clear.  And—and as for…other things…”

Harry raised an eyebrow as you trailed off, but you couldn’t finish your sentence.  

Sensing you were finished, he shot you a soft smile. “We don’t have to talk about it.  I’d like to just know you a little better.  As friends.”

That was exactly what you did.  You sat in the café for hours, just discussing your lives and how you ended up where you were.  You told Harry about moving to study in London, what your life was like back home, what your family was like.  And after Harry got you both a refill on your drinks, he told you about his life.

He grew up near London, in a smaller town, but moved to the city when he was 18.  He wasn’t in school, and had graduated with a degree in creative writing two years ago.  He currently did some online freelancing work, but he wanted to write songs professionally.

“What about singing them professionally?” You asked when he told you that. “You’re really good, Harry.”

“Thanks.” He said, his voice humble. “I mean, obviously, that would be amazing, but I see myself as a songwriter before I see myself as a singer.  I just want my music out there.”

“Did you play anything original at the pub?” You asked, trying to think back to his performance.

“No.  They want covers, songs people know.” Harry shrugged. “One day, though.  I’ll sing some.”

“Would you sing them for me?” You asked curiously, playing with the lid of your coffee cup. “I’d love to hear them.”

Harry chuckled. “I don’t have them with me.  Or a guitar with me.”

“Some other time.” You replied. “You could give me your number again.  I promise not to wash it off this time.”

Harry smirked. “How about you give me yours?  I feel like that’s a safer bet.”

You rolled your eyes, but the corner of your lips lifted. “Fine.  Give me your phone.”

Harry cooperated, handing you his phone.  You quickly typed your number in, saving it under your name.  You handed it back to him before standing up.

“I really have to get going, but it was nice talking to you.” You said honestly, lifting your bag onto your shoulder. “Text me later.”

Harry stood too, leaning in and kissing your cheek lightly. “I will.  And I’ll actually do it.”

You rolled your eyes, trying to hide how much you enjoyed his lips on your skin as you waved goodbye.

[commonplaceprojkelseyh]

Reflection!

Kelsey Harper

Professor Dr. Richards

(ENG-3298-01, WGS-3298-01, GBS-3298-01)

July 30th 2021

Individual CommonPlace Book & Reflection Paper

Feminism & Gender Equality

Did you know that eight out of the top ten countries have a larger female gender population compared to the male gender yet the percentage of women within the workforce was at 28% since 1959 up until 2020? That means for every 1 male, there are 7 females to that one male, making the population higher for women. It is sad to report considering I have been a part of that percentage since 2000.  To think that an entire race of extraordinary females for more than just one reason are not on the same working tier as man, even though woman represent a great deal larger within the population compared to men is astonishing. I know what you are thinking, it is due to our past ancestors that made the corporate world, “a man’s world” however, so much has changed in today's society to encourage women that they are just as equal to man in more than one way!

I, for one, grew up in a “both my parents work” home situation, which ultimately left my brother and I with a lot of babysitters. For many other people like me, that can be normal right? Well, what I didn’t know for the longest, was that my mom was working as a Merrill Lynch Financial Advisor managing over 500 million dollars in assets which ranks her in the top one half percent of all females and more importantly males in her industry. Ironically she has been doing this for over 34 years and the percentage of women who are at her level in the investment business has never moved past 15%. Making her one of only 200 other women in the entire industry at her level(which made her job an everyday event to consistently prove herself to the men around her.) She picked a career that was based on meritocracy, so there was very little subjectivity to her advancement. Basically, she was responsible for her own success, the harder she worked, the better she did. This inspired me at an early age because my mom never seemed to think that whatever she was searching for, shooting for or hoping for was unreachable. If anything it never even crossed her mind to not work as hard as she could to be within her industry and have the reputation she has built up to today. She has made it her mission to bring up other women to follow in her path. Okay, so you may ask well how does this even relate to our class? Well, part of the reason I was so interested in taking the class in the first place was the title, which is, “Woman’s Writing Worldwide”, which stood out to me because of the first word. It stood out because of that five letter & two syllable word that can make or break a human coming into the world. For others, within third world countries, like the ones we have been reading about, that word defined one from the jump and almost pre-decided that female's destiny. As much as I would like to say it is different in the United States, it is similar in the way that being a woman in today’s culture is a huge ever-growing adjustment because men are only making it harder for us to speak our truths and claim our spots within the working class. Trust me, I may sound like a hater on the male race, but I am eternally grateful to a lot of them for making me the person I am today, however if men truly understood woman, like we do them, the world would be a much fairer place because it is not a competition all the time like men tend to make it to be.

One person that spoke volumes to this exact subject was Meghan Markle, in her speech that specifically dealt with her first encounter with being a woman’s right advocate at the early age of 11. In that speech, she essentially told the audience that she was watching a TV show in grade school, when a commercial came on for a dish liquid with the tagline, “woman all around America are fighting greasy pots and pans,” when two boys in her class quickly said after that commercial, “yeah that is where women belong, in the kitchen.” She was so bothered with this that she wrote to the first lady, then Hilary Clinton, Linder Elerby, Gloria Albred and the soap manufacturer, Proctor and Gamble to change the tagline to, “people all over America are fighting pots and pans.” When in fact, a month later they in fact did change the tagline and opened the doorways for Markle to really understand the magnitude of her actions within this topic. She then goes on to even say that, “women need a seat at the table, they need an invitation to be seated there, and in some cases when a seat is unavailable then they have to make their own. It is said that girls with dreams become women with vision. May we empower each other to carry out such a vision because it is not enough to simply talk about equality and it is not enough to simply believe in it, one must work at it. Let us work at it together, starting now.” I absolutely loved her entire story because it really hit home for me who was mesmerized by her willingness to stand up and say something. Without that willingness from women such as her, women as an entire race will never have a seat at the table. I am thankful to her and for the blessed opportunity to come across that story which inspired me to start a club chapter of CHAARG(changing health, attitude, actions to recreate girls) to encourage women to speak their truths, focus on themselves and be inspired by the powerful woman around them to step up and not only prioritize their mental health & wellness but their eating, their exercise, their self care, their mental health and overall happiness.

Another important factor to add, is that it has been observed in women's fight for equality in the workforce,  that there are a lot of women that fall into the category of being a part of the “sandwich generation.” This generation of professional working women have been tasked with both caregiving for their children and their aging parents. This has caused breaks within their career paths and deferred promotions. This is particularly felt within the wealth gap of income disparity between men and women. Recently, I have noticed a corporate trend towards improving this disparity. Corporations are offering more flexible work hours to accommodate these “sandwich generation” working mothers.

One speaker that really spoke volumes to this exact subject was the Msimang TED talk, where she described a time in her life where she had something taken from her by the opposite gender and felt for the first time the extreme difference between a boy’s perspective and a girl’s perspective. A great quote from our actual syllabus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie was, “The problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue but that they are incomplete. They make one story be the only story.” I enjoyed this quote because both the story by Msimang and the quote by Adichie, touch upon a common goal, equality in every form. Another element that really moved me within Msimang’s TED Talk was her inner passion for storytelling and really trying to capture what makes a good story. I also was really inspired by the TED Talk by Dalia Mogahed, a religious muslim that spoke heavily on the idea of Muslims within America. Although her topic wasn’t exactly about gender equality but more so about racism in general, she spoke about a time in her life when she felt embarrassed to not only be a muslim but also a female muslim. Her story about being scared for her life after the 9/11 attacks, was the first time in her life, she said, that she was afraid to be her true self. I felt for her in this way that I too, felt similar when walking down a city street by myself as a young adult female. Although the two are still very different, in the moment while watching her speak about her story, this was the first image that popped into my mind.

Most importantly, I enjoyed the TED Talk by Kavita Ramdas, with her extraordinary opener, which was: “ Given my TED profile, you might be expecting that I'm going to speak to you about the latest philanthropic trends -- the one that's currently got Wall Street and the World Bank buzzing -- how to invest in women, how to empower them, how to save them. Not me. I am interested in how women are saving us. They're saving us by redefining and re-imagining a future that defies and blurs accepted polarities, polarities we've taken for granted for a long time, like the ones between modernity and tradition, First World and Third World, oppression and opportunity.” This got me thinking more and more about gender equality as a whole and just how important and influential women are in society. Countries such as China, took a very long time to find this out, as many of new born baby girls were sold to the States for money because in their culture, “boys were the only ones that could work to bring the family up, girls are an embarrassment and are only here for one thing, reproduction.” However, after several years, they grew to know that they ended up needing more women because they were running out of women to bear children, hence the population drop in 2019 into 2020.

To combat that however, it has been proven through the last century that intellectually women are naturally more nurturing & emotionally smarter than men, just like the saying that “women develop maturity faster than men do”. So women tend to outshine men in industries such nursing.  However, men tend to rely more heavily on their physical strength in order to obtain certain jobs that are not typically where women fit into the picture such as construction and engineering. I, for one, have never viewed it like that because I have always believed that no matter the race or ethnicity, age, gender, religion, sexuality or financial standing, everyone deserves to work a job they love in any industry and that all judgement should be shoved out the window without reason.

In conclusion, I believe in the strength of women as a whole race to be able to one day never have to speak of women's rights. I envision a time within my life that women will have a seat at the table, they will be heard, understood and most importantly treated equal to men. I believe it starts with women empowering other women first and then men following that trend.

[rainkandysux]

Lost Siblings

Paring: Dabi X FemReader

Rating: E

Word Count: 2,039

Summary: Siblings can only hold a family together if they’re there.

Warnings: 17+ explicit content, death

You watched your younger sister play with another girl close in age. The white and red highlighted hair of her playmate contrasted your sister’s onyx curls. You sigh as you check the time: 05:03PM. You two were overdue at getting back to the house you shared with several other orphans trying to stay out of the streets. Before you could reach your sister, a tallish, lanky redhead with two more of his siblings approached the thirteen-year-old girls.  

“Let’s go, Fuyumi. Say bye to your new friend,” the boy requested politely despite his bored tone.  

“I’m not her new friend. We play here every Friday,” your sister tartly replied.  

The boy’s eyes squinted in irritation. That was when you noticed their brilliant shade of turquoise, catching your breath as they turned to your direction. The stunning color wasn’t the only thing you noticed though. Bandages peeked from underneath his collar and long sleeves.  

“Oh, um, sorry about her attitude...” you trailed in discomfort.  

“I told you to hurry up, Touya!” A large man yelled towards the group of kids.  

The boy in question sighed in disgust before returning his attention to you. He studied your odd reaction to Endeavor. Most people's faces would brighten at seeing the Number Two Hero out of uniform and posing as a domesticated father, but your face appeared drained of color.  

“Come on, sis, we really need to go,” you mumbled as you snatched your sister’s hand to lead her away. You were too late though. The beast of a hero had already spotted your retreating form.  

“Hey, wait you little brat! Weren’t you the one I caught stealing from the market downtown?” Enji Todoroki shouted, his orange flames already cloaking him.  

She was stealing from a market? Was she taking food? Touya thought as he finally took note of your shaggy appearance as you ran away.  

You and your sister managed to get out of Endeavor’s reach before he made it to where his children stood by in uncertainty.  

“Fuyumi, you need to learn to stay away from garbage. Those girls are nothing more than trash. I wouldn’t be surprised if they get caught up in worse than the petty thieving they’ve been doing recently. The oldest one has a quirk that lets her powerup for short bursts of time. That’s how she was able to get away from your old man,” Endeavor laughed as he packed his kids into the family car.  

“Powerup? Like getting stronger and faster? Does she get bigger when she does that?” Shouto asked solemnly as he watched his sister cry. The girl she was playing with didn’t look like a bad guy. Neither did her older sister that his father criminalized.

“Her body glows like a lantern and the next thing you know, she’s able to break free from any type of restraint,” his dad elaborated for him.  

“So, what was it that she stole? What did she take that required you to be forceful?” Touya voiced, the grit in his tone made his questions sound as harsh as he intended them to.  

“...the um, store owner said she had taken some instant meals...”

“Way to go dad. I wonder what they ate for supper last night,” Natsuo added, taking Touya’s side.  

TEN YEARS LATER

Your younger sister died exactly one year ago, and you weren’t accepting it very well. A drug deal had gone wrong and you weren’t there to protect her. You still waited on the balcony of your apartment for her to twinkle her fingertip lights to let you know that her mission was a success, not the failure it had been.

One whole year you did this, waiting for her to shine her starlight beams to let you know that you weren’t alone. Every night you had perched there, desperately begging for her beautiful glow to brighten the blackness around you.  

You knew that wasn’t going to happen though. You remembered how cold she felt as her firefly soul burned away from her when you found her. You remembered, but you didn’t want to accept it.  

Now, you had only yourself to provide for. It was financially easier. Physically easier? No. Emotionally? Absolutely not. You had gotten sloppy after your sister’s death. As a result, you had gotten caught one too many times and now heroes were on your trail. You even had to relocate to a slummier place which was where you found yourself now, balancing on the balcony of the cheapest place you could find.  

No one recognized you here and if they did, you knew their own criminal records exceeded your own. Since you botched too many thefts, you now got money investing in drugs and worse— prostitution. Neither was something you were proud of, but at least you were surviving.  

Tonight was one of the sleezy ones. Usually, you’d find some businesspeople in their late fifties to mess around with. They always seemed to like how cute you were compared to the other options in the area. Just because you fucked your way through life didn’t mean that you didn’t take care of your looks. You wanted to be presentable in case you ever got a second chance at living a normal life.  

You were in your mid-twenties, so that dream of working as a schoolteacher was pretty much null. Still, you had aged gracefully. You could pull off as a ripe eighteen-year-old fresh out of high school if you ever decided to form a new identity.  

Your youthfulness is what helped you land some wealthy clients too. The uppity men liked your babyface. You sighed as you made your way out of your apartment and towards the now booming club down the street.  

Your eyes picked through the line outside the club in search of your next plaything. You were about to settle for a grey-haired man in a black suit when a lean figure slouching on a box in the back alley caught your attention.  

His startling blue eyes glanced over you as he lit the cigarette balancing between his scarred lips. You knew those eyes even if they were on a face hidden behind purple flesh and dyed, black hair. What had happened to him? What had happened to Endeavor’s son?

Before you even knew what you were doing, you were already slouching on a box opposite of him.  

“How much?” He asked, cyan eyes never leaving the cleavage you had poking free from your low-cut top.  

“Oh...I...really don’t need much...” you trailed, embarrassed that he had figured out your current profession. You weren’t planning on doing anything other than question him about why he was here and obviously damaged. You hoped he didn’t recognize you.  

He shrugged before he hopped down to lead you away. Soon, you were in his room that held a single bed, a nightstand, and an open suitcase.  

You were used to all types of sexual positions and appetites. Still, you weren’t prepared for this man’s roughness. Maybe it was the fact that you had known him when you were young teenagers and expected him to behave as one would.  

However, he wasn’t fifteen anymore. He was a decade older just like you. If his scarring was anything to go by, those ten years had been just as bad for him as it had been for you.  

Dabi knew what you wanted. He knew you came to him, seeing his youth as a nice break from the old creeps you were used to. He knew you assumed that he wouldn’t ask for your body, but you were stupid and naïve to think he wouldn’t. You were an idiot if you thought he would be gentle just because your little sisters had been friends.  

You were foolish if you thought you were going to get any form of intimacy from this interaction. He wanted to punish you for proving his father right. You were trash that had gotten involved in more than ‘petty thieving’ as his old man had phrased it. How you could do that? How you could prove that bastard right?

Touya was dead and so was his compassion. He burned your clothes off your shivering body and roughly bent you over facedown on the bed. He wouldn’t be able to punish you properly if your beautiful eyes looked at him.  

He took your hair into his fist and held your head down so that you couldn’t look back at him. You gasped into the mattress he smothered you in. His free hand didn’t even stimulate you before you felt his hardened cock force its way into your unprepared slit.  

He hoped his lack of care prevented you from getting off, that his unprecedented harshness left you bruised and unsatisfied. What he did not plan for was for you to twitch in pleasure and groan his fucking name out so casually.  

“Mmm, Touya,” you accidentally muttered as you felt your walls clench around his thrusting dick. You didn’t even know why you said it.  

He pulled out irritably to stop your orgasm. The hand that was tangled in your hair jerked your head to his cock. Your eyes widened at the size, unsure if you would be able to handle it without gagging. You weren’t ready, but he popped open your mouth with the tip of it as pre-cum dripped from it. Minutes later, he exploded and you felt the cum slide down your throat as you swallowed.  

You quickly pulled free, wiping your mouth. You pushed him away as the shame you felt filled you up fuller than his seed. You were in his bathroom now, examining the mascara that sloppily ran down your face thanks to the tears you were not able to hold back trickled down your cheeks.  

You washed your face, tied your hair up into a messy bun, and put on V-neck t-shirt and sweatpants you found on the floor. You waited a few minutes to gather whatever remained of your dignity before you reopened the door to his room.  

Fortunately, he wasn’t there. A wad of cash waited on the bed for you. Despite your wish to simply leave it there, you didn’t feel like going hungry that weekend.  

You took it and all but ran from the building, hoping to never see those ocean eyes again. Dabi watched your retreating form in slight regret. He had been touch-deprived for a long time and he knew you would have shown him the affection his broken soul craved. He didn’t have time be soft, though, and neither did you if you were going to make it in this crooked hero society.  

Still, he felt guilty for being so cruel, so he followed you. He watched your previously pouting face light up as you counted the amount he gave you. He had given you enough to pay rent and get enough food to last you a week. This meant that you could stay off your back (and knees and stomach for god’s sake) for a while!  

You wished your sister was here to celebrate the haul with you. You decided to splurge and buy her favorite type of strawberry cake. Little did you know that the man that had given you more than you expected was shadowing you as you talked to your deceased sister.  

Soon, you were back on your balcony and sitting in silent solitude. You lit the single candle to symbolize the one year she was gone as you stuffed it into the cake.  

“It’s been a miserable fucking year, sis. I hope you’re flying high. I hope you’re happier now that you don’t have to hurt anymore. I love and miss you,” you choked as you finally accepted her death. Tears fell freely as you pulled your knees up to your chest.  

Touya watched as you mourned your sister’s death. He thought of his own siblings and how he wished he could have been stronger for them. He wished he could forget who he was. Maybe he should have been kinder to you. He knew your routes, your dealers. He couldn’t fix his family, but he could try to undo the damage he inflicted on you.  Yes, he’d be much kinder next time.  

[nmnostalgiadrabbles]

Parallels - KakaSaku

sort of? do with this what you will

maybe kakashi's a little ooc but? I struggled writing him this time I don't know :/

(post war but I still haven't actually finished naruto so don't expect canon continuity; this is a sasuke-free zone)

Sakura had been personally requested (and Tsunade had actually agreed) to stay with a newborn in the intensive care unit; she hadn’t given it another thought – of course she’d stay. She couldn’t have predicted that if she had instead gone with the second squad dispatched with Ino’s that she could have saved Ino’s life. Or at least she could have tried, and she wouldn’t have had to hear about it from Choji.

(Choji had never been the emotionally well-put together one – that was Shikamaru. But not this time. Only at the reminder that their sensei had asked him to help care for and protect his child did Shikamaru finally stop sleeping by her grave and eat something for the first time in three days.)

Sakura was another story.

(Sakura and Shikamaru weren’t particularly close – they’d never had a reason to be, really. But now, at the foot of her stone they held each other so there was no distance between them. Neither of them said it was because they were trying to feel what connected them – her – but they both knew it.)

After Shikamaru left, Naruto came to be with her. He probably would have stayed until they’d both starved, but after another two days, Kakashi came. He’d been a neglectful sensei too much of his career, and even though his students were all adults now, he was still needed, and so he came.

She wouldn’t say no to him when he asked her to please come with him; she didn’t want him to think she was being childish. But how could she think something like that – think only of herself at a time like this? She cursed herself for being more concerned with embarrassment than her best friend. Still, she took his hand after he offered it.

In the days, weeks, months that followed, she transitioned slowly from mostly hospital work to more and more field work – missions. It was then that he saw in her the same hurry to die that he’d once been in.

Once again, Naruto tried his best to be there for her, and he certainly was a positive influence, but Kakashi could see that she was still slipping.

She stopped cooking for herself and ate only instant ramen – like another of his students had when he was just a genin – when she did remember to eat. It was almost unreal to him, to watch her neglect herself like that. She’d never in all their years, even when Sasuke first left to find Orochimaru, forgotten basic self-care. She’d stopped blow-drying and styling her hair long ago, but this was on another level. He had to step in; it was his duty to step in; he wanted to step in.

He spoke with Tsunade and they agreed he’d replace one of the members of the team she’d be leaving with the following morning. That had been the easy part. The other involved Kakashi trying his hand at homemade protein balls.

To be fair, he explained their first night while making camp. I don’t normally cook this kind of thing.

“Really,” she continued the conversation. That was good. She hadn’t spoken more than a few words outside of mission specifics since they’d left just before dawn. But still, he could tell it was just small talk. She wasn’t invested (though, it wasn’t like it was the most invigorating topic in the world); did she know of his concerns? Was she trying to convince him she didn’t need them? Or was she so far retreated into herself that this was the most she could offer? Perhaps this was taking all the effort in the world.

In their time as one half of team seven, she’d never concealed her emotions in front of him; neither could remember how many times she’d cried in his presence. Despite that it broke a shinobi rule, she was comfortable and safe with him, both emotionally and physically; she never doubted that if Naruto or Sasuke couldn’t protect her, he would. He’d made that promise to them in the land of Waves so long ago.

What had Ino thought in the moments before her death? Did she think that someone was coming? Someone with unmatchable strength and legendary medical abilities and pink hair? God if she kept thinking like that Kakashi would never leave her alone. What were they talking about? Oh, she was chewing what rivaled her own as the most awful tasting protein ball in history.

“I may not be one to talk, but your powder ratio is off. That’s why they’re chalky.”

“That’s why,” he nodded, accepting, and threw another bundle of twigs on the campfire. They spoke quietly; their other teammate was sleeping on the other side of it.

The next morning they’d only just set out when they encountered the enemy. Since the war, and even before it to a degree, Sakura had always been smart when fighting. She didn’t waste energy on showy moves like Naruto or Sasuke (or himself), but now, she masked the brutality with efficiency. As a medic, she knew precisely where to strike for a single blow to be fatal, and she’d aim just there. Kakashi found that he – and the other member – were hardly needed, at least as far as manpower was concerned. That’s how it seemed at first.

As the hours and days went on, they crept farther and farther into enemy territory, and the number of opponents per person increased accordingly. Sakura did not slow down. Her attacks became less hyper-focused; they’d still kill the opponent, but it wouldn’t be immediate. It might take a few minutes, during which they could signal others or even execute a counter of sorts. Sakura had to know this, and she had to notice that her other two teammates were spending more and more of their time finishing the job. They were falling behind.

“Sakura!”

She looked back at him, and he almost wished she hadn’t. He swallowed and willed his body to move faster.

He caught up with her three miles down the forest path. His nose could tell that it was mostly the enemies’ blood, but the visual was still stocking. It smeared her skin pink and stained every bit of her uniform. He didn’t know exactly how many missions she’d been on since Ino’s death, but he wondered how many times they’d ended like this; how many times she’d felt the crippling, unrelenting loneliness.

“Kakashi,” she breathed, standing over the last opponent’s corpse. “Stop worrying about me. Can’t you see I’m perfectly capable of carrying out my missions?”

Kakashi gave their surroundings a final once over and then stepped into the small clearing where she stood. God, he’d thought the very same thing when Gai voiced his concerns for him back then.

“Sakura, it was never a question of that.”

She shook her head and went on, but still didn’t face him. “I’ve lost a little weight,”

A little? But he didn’t say that.

“You know I’ve studied the mind nearly as much as the body. It’s common when people grieve. Can’t I without everyone breathing down my neck?”

“I know you’re grieving, and you’re right, it is common –”

“Don’t patronize me,”

“But hurting yourself won’t bring her back.”

Sakura whipped around, angry hot tears brimming in her eyes. He should have known what to say to ease her pain but –

“Sakura.” By now, he had stepped closer and taken her by the shoulders. She looked up at him with gritted teeth. “I know – I know that you don’t want to hear it and I know that everything hurts. It still hurts for me, too.”

“If I – I had just been there instead of in that God-damned hospital – if I had just trained her better she could have healed herself –” She dropped to her knees and took fistfuls of dirt and squeezed.

“Nothing has changed! I’m still worthless when it matters most! What good is any of it if I still let this happen!”

It was tragic just how much she was mirroring his younger self. For the second time he wished he could shoulder this burden. He stooped to her eye level and held her face.

“Sakura,” Suddenly the mask covering his was constricting and ridiculous because it was interfering with their conversation, their connection – and he pulled it down without hesitation and continued, “You don’t have to internalize it all; you don’t have to face this alone. That isn’t strength. Letting people in – letting Naruto in,” and then, slightly softer, but not purposefully, “Letting me in – that takes strength.”

She broke his gaze. “I don’t care about that. I just want to be left alone.” She sounded so defeated. She must have felt even worse.

“I wanted that too, but, at the risk of embodying Gai, I can’t let you. For both our sakes I won’t.”

First and foremost he was saying it all for her own good, but secondly, and he acknowledged it was selfish, for himself, because he couldn’t lose another person he cared about.

“Kakashi, how did you do it?” Her cheeks were as tear-stained as he’d ever seen them.

It was so out of character for him – but so was talking this much about something emotion-related – but he kissed her forehead and said, “With time.”

  Back at the village, they wordlessly began living together. It had been several months since her death, but Sakura was still floundering. Kakashi didn’t expect anything else; he’d had years to deal with the loss of his friends and mentors, and she’d only had a few months. He would not rush her.

Instead, he cooked for her, and then eventually, she started coming in to give him tips and suggestions and then she was flipping the pancakes and dicing the tomatoes with him. One afternoon Naruto popped by and the three ate together, and Sakura felt alive for the first time in a long, long while. But by the end of the meal, she’d thought of Shikamaru and Choji.

The next day she – she went out to the fields past the training grounds where they’d learned to pick flowers that complimented each other before they were genin. The Yamanaka flower shop was open, but not for her, not yet. If ever. She gathered two bouquets’ worth.

She stopped by Shikamaru’s first, and found that Choji was with him. They were laying atop the roof staring at the clouds.

“Shikamaru, Choji,” she said quietly and sat with her legs hanging over the roof’s edge and the bouquets on either side.

“Is it okay for me to be here?” she asked. What she meant was do I bring the pain back? Or rather, do I worsen it?

Choji answered. “Of course, Sakura, why wouldn’t it?”

She smiled, mostly for politeness’ sake.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around,”

Shikamaru lit a cigarette and stood to lean over the metal railing. “You’ve been on a lot of missions, lately. There’s no need to apologize.” The last line he said a bit differently, and she realized he wasn’t talking about her absence from the village or their presences.

“Thank you.”

[towhomeverthisconcerns]

081519

AIGHT SO. Tracy and Joanna told me to write down my thoughts and feelings about Missions ‘cause I find it really hard to talk about how I feel so here it is. I got out of bed for this so CHARLES. I HOPE YOU’RE READING THIS. (He’s literally the only one who reads this stuff. LOL)

I think the biggest thing that I got out of this missions trip is that God really moves in our lives in ways we can never expect. Ever. And like I know it sounds super cliche but it’s 100% true. Here’s the thing people. I fell out of touch with God a LONG time ago. Probably near the beginning of my second year of college/end of my first year. And I really struggled with that. I was too embarrassed to admit it to my old church. (granted my old church was not the best environment to be in either... but that’s a whole ‘nother post) It was really hard for me to feel the calling to go to church every Sunday because I felt so ostracized. And like I tried talking to people about it but I don’t think they were in a position to be able to understand where I was coming from. 

Anyways. Fast forward a couple of years. I’m much more open to going to church, but I know I don’t want to go back to my home church. I talk to Josh about church hopping, and he invites me to his. He offers to carpool with me, which is probably like the biggest incentive to going to a church that far. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t. LOL. But I actually was able to connect with the people at that church, and I really felt a different vibe at this new church compared to the old one. I’m not saying my old church was a bad church. I just think I grew and evolved into a different person, and my old church just didn’t suit who I became? I don’t know if that makes sense. Regardless, the point is that this new church became a church that I really wanted to invest in and it was a big turning point in my spiritual faith, because I now had a solid community I could go to every Sunday.

At this point, I’m still very weak in my faith. I mean I just started going to a church, and then I took a month break from it to go to Europe, and then I came back sparingly because Josh goes to NorCal like once every other month, and I have Tet meetings every so often that I really wish I could get out of but it’s really important that I’m there so I try my best to be there. This just all goes to show how I really didn’t feel like I was ready for Taiwan missions. I mean who am I to lead these kids to Christ when I’m struggling with my own walk with God? I felt like I didn’t deserve to go on this trip. But what can I do? My family signs me up every year unless I protest or have a very legitimate reason. I was going whether I wanted to or not.

Another thing I really struggled with was finding out I was going to a camp where I knew NO ONE. If you don’t know how Taiwan Missions for the FECA family works, basically since there’s so many schools/regions who teach at, there’s actually 4 different camp sites that the teachers live in, and each site has their own set of schools that they go to, and so we really only get to know the people at our own camp, and even then we only really connect with the ones that go to the same schools as you, because those are the people you actually spend the most time with. For me personally, it’s ideal to be in a camp with at least 1 of my family members, whether its my mom, my dad, or one of my sisters. I just really like having that support/person to complain to (there tends to be a lot of drama on these missions trips, of which I can explain if needed but for now we’ll leave it as is) So it was really hard for me to accept that I was going to a school where I would have 0 moral support from my family. I brought this up to my mom and she told me she could switch me to a different camp if I really wanted to. And at first I was like YES PLEASE. But then my mom told me to pray about it. So I did. And that was something I really struggled with because I could really feel like God was saying “Trust me, I put you in that camp for a reason.” and I was very like “Are you sure. ‘Cause I’m really not for this. Like. Can’t I at least have ONE of my sisters???” But I decided to listen to God. I’m not even sure why. I just knew in my heart that I had to go to Camp 1 by myself. And that was something that made me SUPER nervous.

I was also super nervous about people’s expectations of me. Like, they all knew I had been on missions for a LONG time. (since 2011) But I’ve been so spiritually removed from it that I felt like I wasn’t in a position to lead anyone. I hardly prepared for this trip other than that one prayer I did about moving camps and showing up for literally 1 out of 6 training sessions. LOL. But everyone would look up to me and expect me to take charge. Which was a super frightening expectation to have put on me. 

Not only all of that, but also I was going Week 2. Which means all the people at that camp would’ve already formed their own friendship groups because they all went through week 1 together. Except for me. So I wouldn’t know anyone... and still be expected to lead... and just.. GAH. SO MUCH STRESS. TT__________TT

So fast forward to Day 1 of missions trip for me. I’m doing my literal best to just listen to God and do as he says. I went into this trip with more intention than I’ve ever given this trip in my life. LOL (well maybe not but it sure felt like it). I’m much more mature than I was in 2011 so it was definitely a different experience this year, because emotionally and spiritually I was more mature and in tune with myself. But OH MAN. The week went by so QUICKLY and I really truly connected with SO MANY LOVELY INDIVIDUALS <3 

I’m gonna go into it chronologically but the order doesn’t really matter. 

FIRST THINGS FIRST. Jo Nathan. That is the nickname he gave himself to me. Just saying. I did not come up with that for him. LOL. But yes he was a blessing from God I didn’t realize at the time. But he was also new to Camp 1. He was at Camp 3 during week 1, but they moved him to Camp 1 for week 2 and so he was just as nervous about fitting in as I was. Which is probably why we were able to connect so well to the point that people thought we were friends way before this trip. Jolene was the one who told me I could trust him, ‘cause I told her about my worries about not having someone to lean on/complain to at camp LOL. So day 1 I asked who Jonathan was, and found him and immediately told him we were gonna be friends. And then luckily we were forced to sit next to each other (since they arranged our seating by schools/class#) and thus I was able to sit next to him every time we had worship, trainings, sermons, etc. I really miss stabbing him with the Sword of the Spirit but I am so grateful he was willing to open up to me and be my friend during that week. He made me feel so much more relaxed because at least I had one person who was willing to laugh with me and at my jokes. LOL. I really appreciate the friendship we made during that time, and I can only hope it continues to grow as we move forward. (although if it does die, that’s ok because that’s also very normal in life.) SECONDLY. SAMUEL LIU. Ohmygosh. This boy is such a joy and blessing. UGH. Jo Nathan did not go to the same school as me so I only really talked to him in the evenings. But in the mornings, I was able to be as silly as I wanted to be because Samuel would always be 10x sillier. HAHA. My favorite thing about Samuel is his willingness to serve. His heart is so pure and he’s so good at words of affirmation (one of my top love languages) and he just made me feel SO LOVED. He truly is the little brother I never knew I needed. Side story: I was assigned worship leader for the morning assemblies, but I literally did not remember the dances, and so LITERALLY THE DAY BEFORE DAY 1 OF TEACHING I learned the dances as diligently as possible and found out that Samuel would be at the same school and so I asked him (and this other girl who I’ll get into later) to teach me and also go up on stage with me and HE SAID YES!!! Q____Q Just having him there made me feel so much better about leading worship. But my favorite memory with Samuel is when he asked me to share my testimony. I’ve never had someone ask me that before. I was so touched that he wanted to know. It’s such a great thing to ask someone. When I shared with him, I really felt like God was showing me that he had a plan all along, and it was through talking to Samuel that I realized I was actually supposed to be at this missions trip all along. Jesus was using me to teach myself that I am so much stronger in my faith than I believed. He gave me so much wisdom during that week. I am so grateful to have experienced that week in Taiwan. God is so amazing. So awesome and powerful. I have so many more memories with Samuel (like DEEP DOWN, OH DEEP DOWN DOWN and KTV on the bus) but I’ll have to save them for another time because this post is already WAY too long. NORA AND DAPHNE. These 2 girls are so so so precious. Daphne is really shy but has the heart of an angel. Truly she is so willing to serve and does things she’s not entirely comfortable with in the name of God and I am so proud of her for that. It’s really not easy to break out of your comfort zone, especially at the young age of 14. Daphne did not have an easy time teaching in Taiwan, but she’s already talked about going back and I’m just. What a great example of God’s disciple. She really has such a pure heart that is so willing to learn and I can’t get enough of it!! She was really hard for me to read at times because she hardly ever expressed her true emotions and is the type to keep things to herself if she’s bothered, but I know she’s working on it. My biggest fear was that I would step on her toes without knowing and she’d get upset but never talk to me about it. In the end I’m not sure if that happened or not but overall I want to say we had a good time together. I learned so much from her, and I hope I can continue to learn from her in the near future! Nora is much more open compared to Daphne (not that that’s a bad thing), and she was also willing to help me teach the dance on stage for worship during morning assembly. She was actually the one who spent the most time with me making sure I knew the choreography the night before our first day. AND FOR THAT I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL <3 Her heart to serve is just as big as Daphne’s and I’m so proud of her as well. She really did a great job teaching alongside her co-teacher. She was also willing to be silly with Samuel and I which was super fun! I’m just so so grateful I was able to witness God moving in their lives and really wish I got to spend more time with the both of them. The two were so cute in the fact that they were always listening to me. God used them to show me that he would always provide a way, as long as I was willing to listen to him. My biggest wish now is to be able to get to know them more and hangout with them. If you see this and you know who I’m talking about, please lmk ‘cause I don’t have their contact info because I’m an idiot and didn’t ask in time!! q-q

RUBY and ETHAN. Both of them were my coteachers this year and I could not have asked for a better trio. Ruby is the mother of Daphne, and right away I could tell she was an amazing mother. The way Daphne is filled with so much love, you could just FEEL that Ruby really loves and cherishes her daughter. TBH it feels weird to call the mom of my friend by her first name but I had to do it all week in Taiwan so it is what it is. Ruby was super sentimental and pointed out a lot of things to me that I didn’t notice going into this missions trip. She really relied on me to teach her about this missions trip but through her I learned so much more about what it means to be a disciple of God. Ruby and Daphne are from HK, so they speak Cantonese at home, and so they both struggled with talking to the students at times, but through their serving heart they let go of that worry and came out to Taiwan anyways. Her love for the students was also super visible, and I really think a lot of the students were affected by her presence and really felt God’s love through her. She 100% respected me and Ethan the whole week and was completely open to our ideas. I am so grateful to Ruby for being there and supporting Ethan and I as the lead teachers. Ethan, Ethan, Ethan. What can I say. He truly was like a little brother in the sense that we bickered a LOT. LOOOL. But I really appreciated his point of view and perspective because it was one I was not used to. He definitely had a more laid-back approach to teaching the kids, whereas I had a more planned out one, but in the end we made it work. There’s a funny story I tell everyone about the first time we really FOUGHT but I’ll save it for another time. In the end I was able to learn a lot about patience and letting others take the lead sometimes. Honestly Ethan is a super great kid, and he did really well leading the activities that we agreed he would lead. I’m very thankful for the different perspectives he offered, and for the blessings God used him to show me in my life. 

There were so many more people that impacted me greatly on this missions trip. Christina, Jesse, Ariel (my roommates at the camp); Dorothy, Michelle, Debbie, Carrie; Brian, Tracy, and my baby sister Joanna. But the ones mentioned here impacted me the most during my week in Taiwan and I believe were the ones God really used to teach me so much during that week.  TL;DR: God really used the people at my camp to teach me that 1) I’m always the perfect servant as long as I’m willing to serve him, no matter where my faith is, 2) Trust in him always, because his plan is so much bigger than I’ll ever understand, 3) He is truly an amazing, awesome, powerful, and wonderful God.

*please note. This is a really big thought dump to be doing at 3am so I apologize if there are grammatical/spelling errors, and if my thoughts don’t make sense. I plan to go over it and edit in the morning.

[dent-de-leon]

what's your take on ka/llura scenes in The Ark of Taujeer episode, where we see from Keith's POV him catching Allura and then them slowly gravitating around each other sorta like in a waltz, i feel like particulary these two scenes were framed as slightly romantic/slow-burn-esque...

You know, given that I thought ka/llura was more likely before season 3, I decided to rewatch the episode and see how I feel about it in hindsight. So let’s start at the beginning–Allura tries convincing everyone that it’s her Zarkon’s tracking. But then Keith interrupts with, “It’s not you, Princess. It’s me.” 

Everyone else stares at Keith, but Allura doesn’t even look up when he says this. And you know, given that they both thought the other was putting the team at risk–they could’ve tried talking to each other afterwards. Maybe with Allura thinking Keith was covering for her and Keith trying to insist that he’s the problem and she shouldn’t put all the blame on herself. But that’s not the case. Someone does get worried enough to talk with Keith in private though, and it’s not Allura. 

And I mean, Shiro could’ve gone to Allura instead. But it was Keith that he was really concerned for. It’s another one of those intimate little stolen moments between them. And unlike when Allura bumps into Keith later on, Shiro sought him out. He realized something was very wrong and wanted to be there for him. Keith is also very vulnerable during this scene. His voice sounds defeated and hoarse. When he walks away, Shiro stares after him, worried sick. As always, Keith tries to appease Shiro though. “I’m fine, just tired. Like you said, I should probably get some rest.” He’s the one hurting, but he still tries to reassure Shiro instead. 

Now, let’s talk about when Keith runs into Allura. “Uh, what are you doing?” In all honesty, I don’t think he’s all that sympathetic towards her? Despite going through the same thing? He doesn’t act too concerned–not the way Lance or Shiro would, I think. Or Hunk or Pidge and especially Coran. He sounds almost bored, like he caught her doing something embarrassing rather than dangerous. And yes, he does do the princess carry–by accident?–and it’s cute. She’s also blushing after. But I think it was also something that was kind of played for laughs rather than something serious. 

And you know, the fact that Keith looks unaffected here while Allura seems stunned–I still think Lance holding Allura in his arms was framed as something much more dramatic and meaningful. Yes, both end up being comedic moments. And Allura’s shocked at first in both cases as well. But I think her moment with Lance was much more charged. For one thing, they both look invested in the moment. The shot is also closer up to really focus on their expressions, and you can see Allura’s gaze softens at first. And then Lance opened up his mouth, lmao. 

But anyway ya, I think that, while it lasted, that scene was still way more intimate than Keith effortlessly catching Allura–and that’s another thing too, because it was effortless. He just held out his hands and there she was. Lance literally runs and like dives to catch her, so I think that says something else about being emotionally invested. 

Looking back, I don’t think this episode was really setting Keith and Allura up as love interests. I think it was more so for two things–1) to have their ka/llura throwback to the 80′s. And 2) to build up their relationship for both Keith’s galra arc and Allura’s paladin arc. For one thing, it would be hard for Allura to feel too betrayed by Keith if she never really talked to the guy personally. For another, Allura would be piloting for Keith’s team, not Shiro’s. It makes sense for them to bond first if he’s going to be the new team leader, especially since Allura and Shiro often made decisions together. 

Even when they’re just talking in the ship, it really feels like Keith is keeping very distant. Allura talks a lot about her feelings because she feels like Keith is sort of invalidating her trauma by “defending” the galra. And for his part, Keith is obviously trying to come off as someone objective and tries to cover up his own feelings. The result is a talk that feels very strained and awkward and is definite buildup for further complications to come.

I think the most meaningful moment they have here is when they talk about what they’ll do if Zarkon does chase them. Both insist that the other is going to have to go back to the team no matter what–that they’re still needed and won’t just be abandoned. “Who would pilot the castle and create wormholes?” “Well, what about you? Without you, the team cannot form Voltron.” 

Of course, it’s a tiny detail, but I think it’s also noticeable that Keith lets Allura have the last word on the galra. He could’ve insisted that he was right instead–we know how set in his ways he is–but he’s too afraid of her reaction to speak up. Compare this to when Keith’s accused of stealing by the BOM. Even when he has “incriminating evidence” against him, when he’s tackled to the floor and his life’s in danger–his first concern is that Shiro might not trust him. More than anything else, he wants to clear his name so that Shiro doesn’t think badly of him. “Shiro, you know me. I promise you I didn’t steal it.” 

While Keith does try to defend the galra in front of Allura at first–and by extension himself–he still ultimately drops it. You can see it hurts, but he can still live with Allura hating him. Even when she knows he’s galra and starts treating him differently, he doesn’t say anything. But the thought of Shiro turning away from him is something he just can’t bare. 

Anyway, then there’s the Space Dance Scene. Very Disney. Incredibly aesthetic and also adorable. It was a sweet moment. But honestly, like…I just think it never went anywhere. It was a moment–maybe something they threw in for ka/llura fans of the older series–but other than that? It feels like they just completely dropped the momentum. 

And yes, Keith checks in and asks if she’s okay. But he’s also back to calling her Princess instead of Allura and I think that shows he kind of put up his walls again. Tries to be impersonal and professional. While he definitely cares about Allura, I honestly don’t think it’s romantically. Especially given how season 3 confirms that, just like season 1, he’s still going to put the mission before Allura’s safety. The only person whose life he’s ever continuously put above his duty is Shiro 

And going back to how Allura and Keith’s interactions feel very detached, we see that Keith doesn’t try to comfort her afterwards?? Allura says they’ve made a “terrible mistake,” that they never should have left, ect. And Keith just?? Says nothing?? And maybe you could say Keith is just very bad at the whole comforting thing. But he still always reassures Shiro?? So?? Keith don’t just ignore her bro it’s gonna be a long flight back anyway that’s kinda rude

Now, the part where they reunite–when they rejoin the other paladins, who are the two with the most notable reactions? Shiro and Lance. And you know, Shiro could’ve asked about Allura too, could’ve said that he was glad they were both back. But no, he doesn’t even think to mention her. He’s just too busy being over the moon about Keith and literally repeats Keith’s words back to him. And thematically, yeah, that comes off as very sweet and romantic. But for Shiro we know this is also very personal. Because he’s heard Keith quoting him before, and he was really touched by it. “That really stayed with you, didn’t it?” By throwing Keith’s line back at him, Shiro’s essentially saying, Look, this stayed with me too. Hearing that really meant something to me. Thank you.  

And of course, Lance is really anxious to hear about the princess. And we know he has a crush on her, so paralleling his reaction alongside Shiro’s delight to see Keith means?? I’m just saying, if he did have feelings for Keith, then it would make sense why they had him be just as affected by Keith’s return as Lance was by Allura’s. 

And you know, something that I think I misinterpreted before season 3–I used to think Allura was so happy there because she was proud of Keith. Maybe she’s still thinking about their little moments together and she’s really impressed by Keith’s skill as a pilot. But looking back? I think this is less about Keith and has almost everything to do with Red. It’s not necessarily flying with Keith she’s thrilled about, it’s that she’s finally knowing what it’s like to be in Red lion. The lion she probably always dreamed of piloting after her father. And maybe part of why she would have wanted to be closer to Keith–and felt betrayed by his lineage–had to do with her father’s legacy 

[offworldcolony]

Tenet, 2020 - ★★★

Top Spot of cinema this film aint. But how do I review you Tenet? How did I feel about you? Did I like you as much as I did simply because I hadn't been to the cinema in 9 months? Is it because, in the cinema, I was able to streth my legs and be two full seats away from the public whilst also having amazing seats? My dream-cinema-going experience?

Let's find out.

First off this film is Prime Nolan, it is a quintessential, distillation of Nolan. If you squeezed him, Tenet would fall out. It certainly has one hand firmly gripping the origins of Nolan's love of the cinema format; one which moves inexorably, like time, forwards, and can change speed and be moved around or edited, like memory. This forged, early in his career something like Memento. But Tenet also has its foot firmly stamped on the expensive and loud and thrilling big-budget blockbuster, where 200 million dollars can be used to tackle complex (if a little arid and cerebral) subjects not unlike his more recent endeavours such as Inception.

Inaccurate comparisons to Bond (although this is much more like a Mission Impossible film) and to Inception aren't unwarranted, they're just slightly off. Tenet is a counterpoint, a reflection and an anti-Inception, which may, in some way, have been Nolan's intention, knowing that he calculates and enjoys building a fourth-wall shattering element to all of his movies.

What does that mean? Well, whereas Inception was a very simple puzzle told awkwardly and in a convoluted way, Tenet is an awkward and convoluted puzzle told very simply, if at all. Where Inception prided itself on the over-explanation and exposition dumps inherent in genres such as the heist-film, Tenet tells you almost nothing, (in fact when it does, I'm looking at you Shipping Container scene, it's incredibly out of place and unwanted) it wants you to play catch up, and the Hitchcockian lines between what a protagonist (cheekily called The Protagonist here) and what the audience knows are blurred, which does actually feed directly into the plot of the film. So he's using the medium here to enhance or back up the story he is telling, as usual, and that is certainly clever and welcome.

The first two-thirds (despite Nolan's usual confounding and blisteringly loud opening sequences he favours) is a genuine riot, I loved being taken on a ride without ever knowing where it was going to end up. I enjoyed pieces of the puzzle slotting into place slowly, I enjoyed Robert Pattinson very much and John David Washington who was simply exquisite.

John David Washington was a charming, steely, human actor with the poise of knowing something well, but being slightly out of his depth, which I imagine was him channelling his part on the film with Nolan as the architect from "the future" mirrored in the film, and he, the Protagonist. A bit too clever for its own good this one? yeah, maybe. But Washington cements himself as one of my favourite actors by doing very little here but doing it exceedingly well. He the most is watchable of all Nolan's protagonists so far, and I'm sure the enjoyment I had in the film hung at every turn on his ability to act like a smart, fun, deep character, completely out of his depth (or out of his time??!!??!!) Hah.

The standout fight of the movie (incidentally I would love to see if it takes place both times at the same point of the movie's runtime mirrored, just a thought) is a really cleverly conceived and executed one, it's half-Matrix, half-Jedi powered and it's a much more exciting idea than a rotating hallway. It has the potential to really start a kind of genre of it's own; it may even be the bullet-time of this generation except the scope of it is limited to films that actually have time travel as a conceit which is a shame, but Nolan could really utilise this technique many more times in a myriad of exciting ways, if he wanted to make a sequel.

Which leads me to one of my gripes I suppose, and, like this film, it's a strange fourth-wall kind of one. Because Nolan has such a singular (and wearing thin?) vision and style, doubled-down instead of evolved, over his filmography, his films have been cutting-edge and completely of their time. Unlike another artist-filmmaker like Wes Anderson who, with Grand Budapest, let himself become immersed in his own style and went full-Anderson, he was ahead of his time, and so his style has settled into be likeable and welcome now. Nolan, on the absolute precipice of now, means his style, revolutionary in the mid-late 00's, is still stuck there. His imitators have been and gone and even they have changed their styles and their films. But Nolan's style is still stuck in 2010.

Because so much of his IP is controlled by him, there's little hope for a Tenet sequel, and even less-so, one handled by a different auteur. Whereas something like The Matrix should be handled by the underground, sub-culture Wachowskis to bring a vision to it that we can't expect, nor should we, a 'franchise' like Tenet would be amazing to see handled by a different director; the conceits of a future war, inverted entropy etc. (not wanting to give too much away!) have so much scope, and yet this one and done, half-baked film will be all we ever have. Nolan needs a protege; not unlike Peter Berg to Michael Mann, DJ Caruso to Spielberg (yes both of those filmmakers aren't exactly stellar) but some young buck with ideas of their one to be taken under Nolan's wing to be able to play around within his framework. Whether we ever see Incenet or Tenception, I'd still like to see a Ryan Coogler, or a Benh Zeitlin, or a J. C. Chandor or Ava Duvernay or Damien Chazelle or even Shane Carruth take on board this franchise with the same kind of budget. With John David Washington in the Lead again, of course.

This would lead to a slightly altered tone. For example, does Nolan know how silly some of these things appear when delivered po-faced? The almost child-like gesture for Tenet, the embarrassing spy-code-phrases, the bulldozer clunkiness of a handful of the very end sequences' dialogue, these things threaten to undermine the movie in ways that for some viewers, it may never recover from. Does he know that talking about time-travel in a movie has been done the same way for 30 years? He did that in Interstellar, if an explanation of something has been done in 1990, try and find a better way to explain it in your movie! He makes reference a few times to the awkwardness of the movie's premise and plotlines, but it's not enough and Branagh's villain is a key piece to that also, he's almost an unnecessary component to the movie and one that a better writer and another draft might have even excised.

But Nolan has to hang is emotional hat and stakes on something. So, in his typical way, instead of making it, you know, actually emotional, and using the vehicle of cinema, celluloid, editing, photography etc. to bolster and energise the emotionality, he just puts in a child and some blindingly stupid lines about Motherhood and another abused and erratic Female 'Lead'. In many ways I feel like the plot (and runtime) of his movies would do better to excise the emotionality completely, either make something genuinely resonant and impactful to me, or just make something epic and clever and spend the runtime exploring and wringing out of that concept, as much as you can. Especially if you're unlikely to ever make a sequel to it.

If you're talking Nolan, you have to talk about sound. His mixes have been getting progressively unusual; exposition delivered through masks or by non-native speakers, I get it when he says it's to get you to lean in and listen, I even defended it when Bane was next to unintelligible because I liked the concept of it, it was bold and creative. But now I'm exhausted. Does he have bad hearing? Does he enjoy bombarding people with a wall of sound? Michael Mann is another filmmaker with a terrible mix but at least his can be attributed to his new avant-garde, voyeuristic style. At least Zimmer is off this one as composer, the music, while still satisfying that Nolan blast of noise, was pumping and electronic, sometimes simpering in the background with backwards-sounding instruments, but I felt like it sat there nicely most of the while instead of overpowering or overbearing like Zimmer's past collabs with Nolan.

The budget of Tenet is silly for what it is, I'd love to see where it all actually went; when a movie's climax isn't as blistering and creative as the Fifth Transformers movie and on a bigger budget, some questions about accounting or at least on creative veracity in big set-pieces may be needed. The balance of explaining, found not lacking in Inception, but lacking here, is no-more emblematic than in its final battle; Blue-Team backwards, Red-Team forwards, is not enough to get invested in the mechanics and allow either for the turning off of one's brain or the engagement in the puzzle of it all. It's just a mess that doesn’t just seem hard to follow on first watch, but also seems unlikely to be something interesting to dissect or enjoy on subsequent watches, unlike some of the puzzles of Inception that were.

But it's not all bad, like I said, I really enjoyed the experience of watching it in the cinema, which is essentially Nolan's primary goal. Like his previous films, I acknowledge, accept and subsume its flaws into the overall experience of what I'm getting. I found the notion of the abused party having to actually keep the abuser alive rather than kill them a tremendously clever twist on the idea (although completely underbaked in execution) and a time travel movie using entropy and inversion is a monumentally cinematic twist on it. Some of the moments and scenes I do completely want to watch again, there's so much detail and life and character in some of the sets and some of the time and palindrome related easter eggs are intriguing, (the less obvious stuff and not the fact that a character is called Arepo and for the entire movie I was expecting that to have some kind of significance beyond just being Opera backwards!) and the moments of the film shown as the very early teasers were really cool when they actually surfaced in the film proper.

I found, much more than many movies I've seen, the videogame influences in this one; from the lead character simply being A Protagonist, to the Call of Duty multiplayer locations (warehouse, yacht, airport, destroyed crater), to the sterile and industrial hallways, to the way the action was shot, to the set-pieces and even the time-reversed mechanic felt like it could have been instigated by a button press. It reminded me of a Max Payne game or another PlayStation 2-era third-person shooter. I was reminded of the more recent game Control also; shadowy agencies and conspiracies, the fusion of brutalism and science-fiction, the villain.

So I guess this is why I liked it; It was an experience. And therefore it did it’s job. I want to watch it again, soon. Which is not always the case. It lives inside its own constructed world, tenet, I enjoy when these films come along with a narrow focus and it's own set of rules, I find that appealing, but alienating at the same time. I wanted to make a review that had some kind of mirrored structure to it, but the best you're gonna get is a palindrome for the start and the end. The most interesting thing about Tenet is, I'm still thinking about it, and the world it so finely crafted, which is separate and parallel to our own, is a world I'd happily step back into given the chance.

Nolan's worst film? Maybe not, despite being far from the Nolan oeuvre Top Spot.

source https://letterboxd.com/offworldcolony/film/tenet/

[jkl-fff]

Ha! Well, thank you for acknowledging my basic human agency—my freedom—to answer or not answer as I see fit. Heh … Seriously, though, it’s no problem; please continue to send in any and all the questions you like. The attention and interest are, frankly, flattering. And the distraction is more than welcome—it’s fun!—so no worries.

First Time as a Teacher, How Did I Feel? This one is sorta tough, because I’ve kinda always been a teacher in one capacity or another ever since I was … gosh, 14? 15? That was when I started working as a camp counselor during the summer for the Boy Scouts (did so until I was 19). While I was there … Ho boy, I taught a ton of different merit badges—basket weaving, astronomy, emergency preparedness, first aid, wilderness survival, orienteering, small boat sailing, rock-climbing …

After that, I was on a religious mission for two years (because I was raised mormon and that’s just what mormons do) in France. Pretty much spent *all* of that time teaching people about the religion, or teaching other missionaries how to be more effective at teaching people about the religion (by Cthulhu’s carpals, I was so young and naif and desperately closeted back then … feels like it was four life-times ago …), and teaching a weekly free English class as a service to people. Though, naturally, the end goal of that was finding more people to teach about the religion, so … When that ended, I was asked to keep teaching in my home congregation, and did so until I was about … 23, and just sorta collapsed inside. Couldn’t keep pretending I wasn’t attracted to other men, couldn’t keep pretending the god I had believed in was helping me be happy, couldn’t keep pretending the whole thing wasn’t thrice-damned absurd … So I stopped.

Spent another year living in France after that, this time in the employ of their Ministry of Education as an English teaching assistant in a French high school. Then two years teaching French for one university while I got a Masters’ Degree (standard trade off: graduate students teach lower-level courses, usually getting their tuition waived, health benefits, and a modest stipend), an intense month teaching an accelerated French course for the National Guard, and finally (after a brief hiatus working for FedEx) here I am in my second year of teaching French for a different university.

To say nothing of all the Taekwon-Do teaching I’ve been regularly entrusted with since I was, like, 16 …

Like I said, it’s tough to answer this one. So constant, so regular, and for so long … I just don’t really remember how the first times at each respective task felt anymore. But I do know that it *now* feels exhilarating and energizing every time my class starts one of its French lessons. Those are kinda the times that I feel most alive during the week …

First Time Writing a ParaPines Fic, What Made Me Write It? “Adorable Like a Werekitten” (shameless plug time, read it and all my fics here: https://jkl-fff.deviantart.com/) was both my first ParaPines fic and also my first foray into fanfic altogether. According to the posting timestamp … jeez, that was on October 2nd, 2012—a little over 5 years ago … And as to what made me write it, well … ParaPines came into my life during what was a rather tumultuous time, emotionally speaking.

Back then, it was like I was adrift at sea (maybe I still am … but at least the sea is more-or-less calm now, whereas back then it felt like a maelstrom within a hurricane, and I would foundering). Happiness and companionship and love—even just as meaningful friendship outside of my family—were all things I had pretty much abandoned forever all hope of finding (gods above, I sound like an emo album from 2006!) when two things happened: I discovered some … er, ahem, um … erotic fanart of Dipper Pines (which led to discovering more fanart in general, which led to discovering Gravity Falls and ParaPines and ParaNorman, all of which I found to be some of the most fantastic and adorable things to ever exist), and I fell in love with a guy in real life.

Actually, the falling in love part might have been what made everything so tumultuous emotionally … Certainly, I was not happy before him, but I was content in my unhappiness. It was a stable, dependably gray life I led before him. And then, suddenly, in my life … him. Just as suddenly, I started questioning somethings … then everythings … then ALL OF THE THINGS! Why should I linger in misery? Why cling to celibacy? What purpose was there in remaining faithful to vows I had made for a god I no longer believed in? What exactly was wrong with being gay? Why was I so convinced being gay was wrong? Why did I loathe myself so? If I had committed no fault, why shouldn’t I deserve to be as happy as anyone who was straight? Why not *all* the gay people? Why not everyone everywhere? Why not me right here and right now? Why not me … and him, with him, for him and to him and through him and by him forever and ever? Of course, it was a slow process, what with being internal and psychological. Seldom so explicit and obvious as my gloss above suggests. No, it took months and years for most of these questions to work through themselves, and honestly some of that working is still taking place even now. I hope it never stops.

But I digress. All of this gradual falling in love with him and becoming friends with him and spending time with him and pining over him and despairing because of him—all of this, and more, which had me adrift in that maelstrom in that hurricane—was taking place during and after my discoveries, as I said above, of Gravity Falls and ParaNorman and the joyous amalgam of both that is ParaPines. I was in dire straits and desperate need of something—of anything at all—that could anchor me a little, and this fit the bill. Y’see, both shows are great (great writing, great characterization, great plot development, great messages), so I could enjoy them each unironically without a sense of embarrassment. And … and and and … the ParaPines fanart was all so … so pure, so innocent, so bright and free and easy. The boys always looked so cute and happy together, y’know? As if being gay with another boy was as simple as that. No big identity struggle, no big community turmoil, no angst, no pain, no fear. Just … two gay boys being cute and happy together, with everything being as simple as that for them … Basically, everything I was craving, everything I was fantasizing about, everything I wanted for myself and him … Everything I wanted “being gay” to mean …

So I latched onto this fandom like a life preserver (it may actually have been something that preserved my life), and soon found that I just needed to contribute to it. I *needed* to write, y’know? Needed to put all of the thoughts and feeling swirling and sloshing and storming around in my head down onto paper. So I started writing for the fandom, using that writing as a means to work through some of my insecurities and anxieties about being gay, about being in love with someone who I always dreaded would leave my feelings unrequited … Heh. Poor little Norman. Though they’re all foils for parts of me, he got the brunt of all my angst, falling head-over-heels for DipDopDoblivious.

All of which to explain why I’m so invested in these two, even today, and probably will be for the rest of my life. Simultaneously, they’re now imbued with parts of my very psyche and identity, and have basically kept me from ripping myself to pieces.

Oh, and more specifically for ALaW, I saw some freakin’ adorable art by @skeletonizer featuring werecat Dipper, and sorta had to write something in which Dipper became a werecat. Like, it was too cute to be resisted. Heh. I remember being shocked at myself as I wrote it (“Really? You’re writing a story about a crossover of two characters from completely different franchises? You sunk this low?”), and trying to justify it to myself as a literary exercise (“I’m seeing if I can write in a completely different tone and style than I normally do! That’s all that’s going on here, I swear!”) so I wouldn’t feel like such a nerd/dork/geek. Ha! Although it turned out to be a slippery slope, that ParaPines fanfic, since now I’m sliding down it all “WHEEEEEEEEEE!” with no hope of every getting back up and out of it. And embrace the persona of being a nerd/dork/gook wholeheartedly (life is too short not to let yourself love what you love because of what anyone else—including yourself—might think). 

Best “mistake” I ever made, deciding to write that fanfic!

(WARNING: A LITTLE NSFW AFTER THIS)

First Kiss and First Sex *sigh* These can both be conjoined, as they happened at the same event. The memories aren’t exactly pleasant for me (or rather, memories connected with him aren’t exactly pleasant for me now … they’ve all become rather melancholy), so I’m not going to dwell on or develop the answers overmuch. It was at a New Year’s Party, one that was jampacked with people and flooded with alcohol that people had brought with them to contribute to the festivities.

Now, I loved (love?) him, but I’ve never been under any illusions: he’s self-destructive, he’s damaged inside (more so than average people), and he’s an alcoholic as a result. That night, he imbibed freely and flitted about like a boisterous social butterfly. And I, true to my demeanor, drank only water or orange juice mixed with fresca. For the most part, I stuck to corners or quieter spaces or would linger out on the deck and watch the city in the distance (perhaps I would’ve spent the whole night out there, save that it was December-becoming-January and bitterly cold). Y’see, I’ve never much cared for parties; loud music, jumbled conversations in a raucous din, tight spaces filled with people, strangers everywhere I went … I’ve never cared for any of these. They overwhelm me and tire out my brain. But I would periodically go in search of him and check that everything was still okay, then force myself to try and socialize a little before seeking out a quieter spot again. As midnight approached, he came in search of me. He said he wanted me to be his New Year’s first kiss, and … and I had been pining for him for months at that point, dreaming of it—of my first kiss—being him, being the first person I had ever been *in love* with, saving my first kiss for him … Such a silly, romantic fool I was … so of course I acquiesced at once. Perhaps I shouldn’t have, but … Gods above, he was clumsy and uncoordinated from being drunk and there was that sickly-sweet aftertaste of booze on his lips. Yet it was the best kiss of my life—a kiss that sorta ruined kissing for me, because no other kiss has ever made me feel like that one did …

Next thing I knew, he had led me down into the basement, which was a roiling cauldron of fog (from a machine) and colored dance lights and silhouettes of other guys moving slowly to the music. The room wasn’t big and there were plenty of other guys in it, yet it felt strangely private. The fog made it impossible to recognize anyone unless you were standing right next to him, plus there seemed to be an unspoken understanding on the part of all present (all except me, who felt lost and at a loss in an alien world, since I wasn’t completely out yet and all of this was new and confusing to me) that this space was one free from the gaze and the judgment of others. Every man was anonymous down there, in a way, even to those he knew. Even to himself, perhaps. Maybe that was why he had brought me down there. Like a spatial manifestation of drunkenness, that room was a haze of socially accepted deniability to those went in. Anything that happened down there was considered to stay down there and dissolve from memory and the real world when the fog did. Inhibitions didn’t have to exist, and neither did consequences or responsibilities. [Which is all utter bullshit, by the way. You are you; you are what you do and what you say, and neither alcohol nor anonymity absolve you of responsibility for what you do and what you say, for who you are. People like to tell themselves the fairytale that these things can change you, or that it’s not really you when under their influence … but, like all fairytales, that’s bullshit people tell themselves to feel better so they can try and skip out on owning up to their own mistakes. Gods, I *hate* alcohol sometimes.] Anyway, he made out with me for a while against one of the walls. I should’ve said “no”, I should’ve told him that he was drunk and this wasn’t what he really wanted, but … When I made some feeble attempts at protest, he just said, “Shhh …” and kept going. And I was too weak to insist after that, too desperate for something more than just hanging out with him to refuse … Some other guys joined us for a bit, and he initiated a circle jerk with them. But I was only interested in him, and I guess the others picked up on that because they soon left me and him as alone as one could be in that room. He stroked me for a while, then sucked me for a while, but wouldn’t let me return the favor for long because he was “too drunk to get it up” …

The next day and every day after that, we pretended that nothing had happened—never spoke of it—though when I hinted at it … it was clear that he did remember. Crystal clear. But he wanted it to be something that dissolved with the haze of the room and the alcohol, something that wasn’t and wouldn’t then or ever be remembered, something that would never exist in the real world.

Sadly, that wouldn’t be the last time I got my heart broken by him. People think I’m smart, but I sure do make some dumb mistakes sometimes … and I make them over and over again …

Thanks again for the asks! Hopefully that downer ending on that last one won’t deter anyone from sending in more asks, though. Don’t be shy, people! Send in anything and everything you want to know! I’d be more than happy to answer them (and especially now that I just finished making myself depressed), and find them quite the fun distraction!

[awww-brain-no]

So, uh. I might have done a thing. @noquirkyurl I will let you take almost full responsibility. Some of it also belongs to @amusewithaview and @jadziabear for reminding me how much I wanted this. Also, @thestanceyg and @nourgelitnius, I believe you expressed some interest. 

Without further ado, a work I decided to call Coquettish Ingenue

How do you tell someone that you have been and may still be extremely emotionally invested in their well-being and life? Especially when you have never actually met said person. Mindy had debated this question for weeks; ever since they brought Mark Watney home.

After all those months, he had made it back safely, undergone all necessary monitoring for health and psyche, and was now parading through NASA at all hours to thank people and see what it looked like from the more boring, less likely to murder you side. He was still a bit too thin, but his color was now closer to the pre-mission photos she’d wound up pulling up so many times during her shifts. And that smile and laugh were just as strong as ever.

But she found herself, after all those months of monitoring him, sitting a mere ten feet away in the cafeteria watching him jovially chat with old friends and strangers alike.

“No, I’m telling you. You think it sounds bad, but it’s worse. So much worse. Ask Martinez, he’ll back me up!”

“Martinez is just as much a troublemaker as you are, Watney.”

“I feel like I should resent that. But fine, ask Lewis if you don’t believe me. Vogel’s sleep-singing was the absolute worst!”

His story caused ripples of laughter around the room, but started to make Mindy wish she was drinking something stronger than coffee. She had a master’s degree in mechanical engineering, she’d been able to successfully defend her dissertation against the dragon of the Engineering department, she had earned herself a promotion after impressing the director of NASA himself. Add to those facts that Mark Watney was a man she’d heard had given Rich Purnell an impromptu serenade of David Bowie when he’d called him. While she hadn’t been able to confirm that detail, Mark was happy to be alive and willing to talk to any and every person who had a hand in it, directly or otherwise. And yet there she sat unsure how to even say hi, reaching the inevitable conclusion that she was being ridiculous.

The last stragglers that had been talking to Mark made their way out, no doubt late for some meeting or training. Everyone else was either too shy, awkward, or completely oblivious to take a chance to talk to him. But for her own pride, she wasn’t really ready to qualify as one of those three, was she?

“Have you ever seen the movie The Vow?”

It wasn’t until Mark turned to face her that she realized she’d said those words out loud. Shit. She tucked her head and took another bite of her sandwich, hoping to hide the flush that was no doubt creeping into her cheeks as best she could.

“Unless it was something from a stupidly long time before I was born or this century, probably not.”

“Oh, okay, nevermind.”

She continued to chew her food after mumbling at him, but she didn’t even taste it anymore. How the hell was she supposed to hold any normal conversation after bringing up her preteen guilty-pleasure? It was like she’d never talked to a boy since high school. Mentally preparing herself for her walk of embarrassment back to her desk before she tucked tail and went home for the day, she was half-surprised when he continued talking to her.

“How’s your lunch? You got the BLT, right? Any good?”

“Yeah. Uh,” she paused, settling back into her seat, “it’s actually my dinner because I work the 3AM shift. But I like it. How’s your lasagna?”

He looked back at the plate in front of him offhandedly. With all his socializing he’d only been able to eat about half of it. “Not bad, but admittedly I’m kind of a fan of anything I didn’t have to make by relying on my asshole and tempting fate with another fiery explosion for survival. So this is definitely way less of a fu-”

He cut himself off and she couldn’t help a giggle that escaped, remembering all the messages he’d tortured her bosses with. The ones she had loved having to relay because it wasn’t just another day he was alive, but another day he was quintessentially himself. And something about that familiar humor had her relaxing, fingers loosening from their death grip around the edges of her tray.

“Sorry. Sometimes I forget I am talking to others in public and not narrating my life for posterity anymore.”

“You swear for posterity?”

He shrugged, obviously proud of himself.

“Someone has to teach them to do it correctly.”

She laughed and he gave her his trademark winning grin. But after a moment he squinted at her in concentration.

“Sorry, not to sound like a complete dick, but I’m pretty sure you know who I am and I have no idea who you are.”

“Oh. I’m Mindy park. I, uh, work in SatCon.”

He tilted his head and then his eyes went wide.

“Shit. You’re the one that found me!”

Not sure how to handle the new expression of joy on his face, she looked down as she reached for her coffee.

“I noticed the changes in the photos. So they had me monitor your progress, yes.”

He got up, forgetting about his already neglected lasagna to sit in the empty seat next to her. He rested one arm on the back of his chair and the other on the table as he fully faced her, leaning in with a teasing smirk.

“So you were watching over me. Like an earthbound guardian angel, huh?”

Mindy glanced up quickly with a self-deprecating scoff. She caught his gaze, still incredibly bright, and noticed that there was more gray in his hair, a few more lines around his eyes. She took another sip of her now tepid coffee, trying to stop herself from examining how his face had changed from the mission photo she’d looked at so many times.

“More I got paid to stalk you, but yeah.” Stalking?! Why the hell had she said that? She once again lifted her mug, this time to try and hide her grimace. But he didn’t seem to notice it or her flustered nature at all.

“Man, I better take you to dinner.”

She slowly set the coffee down, asking the first thing that came to mind. “Why?”

Mark’s smile dimmed and he leaned back a bit at her reflexive answer.

“You saying no?”

“No!” Her quick, nervous response stopped his retreat, but he still waited for her to continue. She tried to calm herself, lower her voice, and not come off as a complete stereotypical awkward engineer. “I’m not saying no. But my question still stands. Why?”

After a couple seconds Mark’s eyes crinkled at the corners and he shifted, somehow bringing himself a bit closer without really moving at all.

“I could say something about how I want to thank you finding me and looking out for me, but honestly, after surviving the shitstorm and near-death-fest that was Mars, why would I hold off on asking a woman who I find attractive out on a date?”

She couldn’t think of anything to say before he chuckled and added, “And full disclosure, I’m hoping I can work the whole vulnerable, formerly near-death angle some more. Gain an edge since you were looking out for me and might have some sort of a soft spot.”

“You mean stalking.”

Shit. She said it again. But the hoped it at least came across as flirtatious. Her hopes were answered when his face just split in that same-old grin.

“Eh, stalk is just a five letter word for love.”

Love?

“Too soon? Should have saved that one for the second date?”

Her laugh came easily this time, and while her heartbeat continued to thrum a bit erratically, she finally felt like she had settled into the rhythm their conversation was building.

“What makes you so sure you’d get a second date?”

At her invitation, his cockiness kicked in full swing. “Because if you’re in SatCon you’re probably an egghead like me. And you’d definitely want to hear about how I rigged up the Hermes to broadcast ACDC for 24-hours straight to get back at Lewis for the disco. But that’s definitely a second date story.”

She sat up with a full smile and gave him a teasing pat on the knee.

“How about we go for date one and see how that works out.”

He hadn’t shifted back when she straightened, so their faces were much closer than she expected. But she didn’t regret it in the least when she saw how his lips twitched before the full grin followed.

“I’ll take it.”

[petite-neko]

Dissentient - 1

Fanfiction: Dissentient Story Summary: Trafalgar Law wasn’t a lot of things. But the one thing he most definitely was, was a man in denial. But you’d never hear him say that. Instead, he’d just blame that damned Strawhat. Characters: Zoro, Luffy, Law Pairing: Eventual LawLu Rating: T Warnings: Swearing, Angst, Mentions of Suicide, Grief/Mourning, Mentions of Character Death A/N: YOU NEED TO READ THIS STORY FIRST.

You know those weeks where I was occasionally late in posting up chapters? Well including working all the time and being with family, I had been secretly working on THIS. Yes. Sometimes I even HAD to wait until I wrote a specific portion here in order to write the next one. I had been alluding to these portions multiple times throughout the story :3 I hope you enjoy!

Read on Ao3

Previous story || Part 1: 3.5 Comfort || Part 2

A door opened and closed.

Did the cook forget something?

Law looked towards the men’s quarters, expecting to see that shock of blond, but, much to his surprise, it wasn’t blond, but black hair that he found.

Luffy?

It definitely wasn’t time for the other captain to go on watch, and so Law wondered just why he had stepped out. It didn’t take him long to figure it out however. All it took was one look. One look into those dark eyes to understand. He saw that look before.

(He looked that way before…)

It was the same look. From two years ago. On his submarine. When the strawhat was on the verge of consciousness, or when he needed more sedative. It was that same look when he almost destroyed his ship. When he emerged onto the island of women. When he screamed.

When he demanded where Ace was.

Granted, the intensity wasn’t the same. It wasn’t like it had been on day one or two. It was subdued. But it was still there.

Two years may have lessened the pain, but it most definitely didn’t mute it.

It wouldn’t surprise him if Luffy had suppressed the emotions while he trained with the Dark King. That he concentrated on becoming stronger because it was the only thing he could do.

(Law was all too familiar with that sensation. What was he about to finally do after all?)

Luffy had wandered off to the spot he always sat at (when he wasn’t pestering the other captain): atop the lion. Law let his gaze wander back to the door and expected Zoro to emerge. But, nothing.

Why?

The door remained shut, and it honestly baffled him. Taking Zoro’s… protectiveness into consideration, he would have made a bet that the man would come out and… well, do something. Even if it was standing by his captain’s side silently.

Law glanced back towards the figurehead, seeing the usually rambunctious and loud captain quietly – sullenly almost – looking out to sea.

He looked haunted.

(Law understood that all too well, too.)

(There was a reason he took longer watches. A reason why he always cut the others’ short. It wasn’t as if he was doing anything else anyway, so he might as well take advantage of that.)

Something told him that, while this wasn’t a frequent occurrence for Luffy, it was at least common enough. This wasn’t the first time this happened.

And it probably wouldn’t be the last.

(Maybe that was why the swordsman didn’t show up. Because this happened before?)

Certainly, this was the first time this had happened when he was aboard the Sunny, but… Law just… he knew.

Seeing Luffy quiet, it was mesmerising in some twisted, convoluted way. It made him wonder. It made him think. And so he just stared, for some time.

(He wasn’t wholly distracted however. He did have a job to do after all.)

Eventually he wondered if he should approach the other. If he was even welcome to, considering Luffy didn’t seem to want to talk to his crewmates about this.

(Maybe, just maybe because he wasn’t a Strawhat he would be welcome. Because they both were captains. Because Luffy wasn’t obligated to him. That Luffy, at the base of it, didn’t want to appear weak in front of those he was supposed to protect.)

Law had to quickly stomp that thought out before it lit something.

He knew that he had been harsh on Luffy lately, and even if it weren’t for Zoro’s prodding and interference, he would have ended up at this point anyway. Zoro just gave him a reason to give in. So, he’d let the swordsman take the credit for the change in his behaviour.

(Because, if he was to be honest, Luffy was getting to him. He was afraid he’d give in, and ignoring the other captain wasn’t working, so he had to push him away instead.)

At least simply saying no was enough. He didn’t know what he’d do if it wasn’t. (The guy was still trying, but at least he could mostly ignore that.) He needed to keep Luffy at a distance. Keep himself at a distance.

Trafalgar Law didn’t have friends. Trafalgar D. Water Law did not make friends. He was a man on a mission and nothing else.

And yet… it was unnerving. To see Luffy so… like this. Quiet. Reserved. Morose. It wasn’t Luffy at all.

(The Luffy he knew was always laughing and smiling and joking around. Making others laugh at his antics…)

If anything, he would prefer to see the other just as he was on Amazon Lilly: screaming, thrashing, destroying things… over… over this.

(Even if that was just as painful to hear.)

Against his better judgement, he felt himself itching to get up. To walk over there and just… what exactly? Stand there and look stupid? Be a silent support, or, god forbid, talk to him?

Trafalgar Law most definitely did not comfort people!

(If would be hypocritical of him to, especially considering…)

And yet, he felt himself rationalising this course of action! ‘He needs to be on his best game in Dressrosa. You need him to be! How can he do that when he’s distracted and distraught over memories of his dead brother?

Damn him. Damn that strawhat. He wasn’t supposed to be thinking like this! That smile was infectious. That laughter contagious. It made him crave it: that positivity – something he hadn’t experienced in so long.

(He could see his smile, hear those words spoken so passionately…)

Dressrosa. Dressrosa. Avenging Cora-san. Fulfilling his wish. That was it.

They were pirates. They were in an alliance. They were using one another. That’s all it could be. That’s all it had to be.

And yet… he needed Luffy to be in the mission completely. He needed Luffy. He needed help. He couldn’t do this alone. (No matter how hard he tried.) This had to succeed! This was his only chance!

(And he couldn’t risk his crew. No, they weren’t strong enough. They were too emotionally invested in him… if something happened to them… No he couldn’t ask them to follow him in this mission…)

…God damn it!

With a heavy sigh, the captain of the Heart Pirates stood up and did something he swore he would never do.

He walked over and just… stood there. Looking stupid.

He didn’t know what to say. He had never done this before.

(No. That was a lie, but that person was somebody he was no longer. That person died along with everybody else. That person was a good person.)

It was quiet. There was no shift of clothes, or change in positions. But, Luffy didn’t need his eyes to know that he was here. And Law didn’t need an indication that Luffy knew he was here.

If Luffy wanted to talk, well, he could keep an ear open for him, he supposed.

He wasn’t about to initiate anything. Hell, he didn’t even really know what he was doing. In fact, he kind of didn’t want to do this but…

He needed to. Law couldn’t afford to lose. Not when his goal was so close.

I need to stop him. I need to stop my brother.

Law glanced up, and looked at the stars. He watched them move, he counted them, tried to remember the constellations that Cora-san had taught him…

That one, yes, that was Cora-san’s favourite. And the one that looked like a cow… what was that one called?

“Torao… does it ever get better?”

The question was so sudden and loud in the silence between them that it jolted him both mentally and physically. And, when he changed his gaze from the sky towards the other captain…

Luffy was shaking his head rapidly, hands outstretched and shaking as well. Was he embarrassed?

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to – I don’t even know – you don’t have to answer – even if you did or didn’t have one – I’m sorry – I just – I blurted…”

Despite himself, Law could feel a tug at the corners of his lips. How? How could Luffy do this? (Only Luffy could do this) To ask just a heavy question and yet make him smile while doing it? To look so utterly foolish and yet sorrowful at the same time?

It only made him want to answer his question even more. He was so honest it hurt to deny him.

…Fucking Strawhat.

“Define better.”

And Luffy was still babbling on and apologising before he realised that Law had said something. “H-Huh?”

Law sighed softly and shook his head momentarily but looked at the other captain. “Mugiwara-ya, I said define better. Don’t make me repeat myself again.”

Why? Why was he doing this? Was it really for Cora-san or…?

Thankfully, Luffy spoke up, even if stuttering a little, to distract him from where that trail of thought was going. “I-I…” There were tears glistening in his eyes, and they looked like they were about to brim over, but he ran his arm across his face to prevent that. “Does it ever stop hurting?”

“No.”

“Do you stop missing them?”

“No.”

“Do you stop wanting them back?”

“No.”

Luffy slumped and held his legs. “So it doesn’t get better?”

Law had to shake his head and sigh once more. Luffy was just so damn simplistic at times… Things weren’t always black and white. That wasn’t how the world worked, and considering Luffy was a pirate, shouldn’t he know that by now?

They all weren’t what the Marines portrayed them as.

“It doesn’t stop, because you don’t stop caring about them, Mugiwara-ya.”

When Luffy looked at him with a perplexed expression on his face, Law could only sigh again. Not even bothering to qualm his urges, he jumped up and sat next to the other captain.

“The pain doesn’t stop.”

His parents. Lami. His entire country. Cora-san. He could still remember the way he felt when they died. When he saw their corpses. The burning buildings… or could hear his own cries.

“You never stop missing them.”

The way he wanted his parents to hold him again. To see Lami smile once more. To hear Cora-san’s laughter…

“A day never goes by where you want to tell them of your accomplishments. Or show them something. Or see something that they’d like.”

He lived. He lived! He found a cure. There was a cure, look! You were right!

“But, that’s the way your body tells you that you still care. That you loved them – that you still love them.”

He wasn’t a monster.

His voice was quiet as he explained this, his mood sombre as he remembered. But, he wasn’t finished here, no. He glanced up again, seeing that smile in his mind. “You don’t miss people if you don’t care about them. But… it gets better. Even it’s a morbid way of saying it. You get used to it. Used to the fact they aren’t there anymore. Used to the fact that you can’t talk to them, or share things with them. Used to the fact that you will never see them again. The pain is something you learn to live with. It’s like an injury. At first it will bleed, but it gets better. Scabs form, even if it aches a little… Some days it will twinge, or hurt more than usual, but… it heals even if it leaves a scar.”

Some scars ran deeper than others though…

“…Did yours heal?”

Law bristled at that. And honestly? He couldn’t truthfully answer that. He couldn’t. Did his truly heal? He still wanted vengeance. On Doflamingo. On the Marines. On the Government. Did he let his ever heal, or did he keep picking at his scabs until they bled again?

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t my place to ask…”

Law sighed.

“It’s just… you remind me a lot of Ace… when we first met. He, he ignored me, pushed me away, but… I pushed on because I was afraid of being alone. It’s the worst thing in the world. And you’re alone.”

Another flinch.

“Tch, you’re reading too much into things Mugiwara-ya.”

He was alone? (He supposed he was, in a sense. He always pushed others away, but that was because…)

“Then where’s your crew? Where’s the bear!”

Another sigh – this boy, honestly! And Bepo again? What was his obsession with his navigator? “Preparing for the next stage. You’ll be seeing them after Dressrosa.” That was the intention anyway…

And, at that, well, Luffy brightened right up. “I’ll get to see the bear! I’ll get to see the bear!” He sung out.

Law felt that tug on his lips again.

There was the sound of the door again, and they both turned towards it to see Luffy’s navigator step out onto the deck.

“Oh, Nami’s out. I suppose that means you’ll be going to bed, right?”

His relief. But Law only shook his head. He wasn’t too sure if he’d be getting back to bed anytime soon. “I can stay out here awhile longer.” And who knew, perhaps Luffy would help distract his mind enough to get some semblance of sleep tonight.

(Honestly, he did miss Bepo. For some reason, he could sleep for hours on him.)

“Yay!”

Thankfully, Luffy stayed away from the heavy topics. Instead the idiot decided to babble on. Something about the constellations and stars and that they were supposedly made of fire and it made him feel closer to Ace when he watched the stars.

And, finally, when Luffy seemed to exhaust himself, Law summoned a Room and got Luffy back into his cot.

The last thing he needed was to be seen with Luffy falling asleep on his shoulder. (Especially with Nami around. She’d probably take a picture and blackmail him or something.)

Trafalgar Law didn’t comfort people after all.