#well... they'll leave too someday. won't they? i don't deserve people around me after all.

[mysunshine-youremoonlight]

its not even 9pm why am i having the 9pm thoughts :(

[sparring-spirals]

listen im thinking about caleb and yasha (aka our wonderful #team introvert) today, so, here you go:

because- i don't know. Something about two people coming in burdened with so much grief and guilt that they dont think they'll ever be free of it.

Two people looking across this motley crew of people who are bright and wonderful but also so loud, so full, so complex and chaotic. And seeing another soul who is quieter and maybe awkward and- something there, something shared, even before they know about dead wives or dead families or checkered pasts. I think about these two quiet introverts offering to shave the other with a greatsword or sending a cat to curl around a neck, and a sort of shared commiseration about these bright and beautiful people who are great and a little too loud (people they don't deserve, not with the blood in their past).

Just- Caleb, unwillingly getting more and more attached, almost leaving because what am I doing, what am I doing. Yasha taking days away fron the Nein because she can't quite handle getting close again, because it's almost too much.

And then- months on in, after a soft and sad "i have so many flowers to bring her". After a perplexed "caleb killed his whole family?". These two. Talking about grief and shame and pain and forgiveness. Redemption. These two, looking at each other and knowing the guilt they have in common. Looking at each other and saying "I know the blood and guilt and grief tangled into your past and your present. I see the blood on your hands, and the way it mirrors mine.

I see the way that I can't forgive myself, I can't move on, not yet.

But I am looking at you, and I can forgive your sins, your checkered past. I am looking at you and I have already forgiven you. I am looking at you and I want so badly for you to be happy, for you to be well, and okay.

I have already forgiven you, and so maybe, just maybe, someday I can forgive myself too."

I think about Caleb polymorphing into forms that let him turn off his brain, just a little bit, and the way Yasha never fails to shower them in affection. (Allows herself to be soft, because that is a luxury. Allows herself to be kind and loving and direct it all at Caleb, because that is a gift.)

And Caleb being dazzled by Yasha's immense strength and soft center (i let her carry me), Yasha being endlessly impressed with Caleb's magic and his ferocious love (caleb might want these books!). These two forgiving each other, finding things to love in each other, as that baby step to forgiving themselves.

I am just- so glad, for these two, and the goodbyes in their epilogues, and the sadness, and the hope. Both of them with dirt on their knees and grief laid bare and saying I miss you, and I am still, sorry, and-

I think there is more for me. I think I can do more, and do better, and have better, and I think maybe, maybe, I deserve it.

I think I could make you proud. I think I will.

And these two- these two will do so much good. Lonely and lost children who will get a home, get a guardian angel. Bright and young minds who will be nourished and supported and grow into a world with just a little less darkness, a little more light.

and on quieter nights, two introverts will sit together with purring cats and read some nice books, or perhaps they will repot plants, and sometimes they will talk. About book-smart loved ones, or friends who never stay out of trouble, or maybe just about a new cat brought in from the cold, a new flower growing strong. About forgiveness, and redemption, and growth.

But sometimes, they won't.

They will sit in a little pocket of quiet, (and love, and understanding). And they'll be content.

And that'll be enough. It'll be more than enough.

[ga-yuu]

~Kurama~Main Story Chapter 26~

Chapter 25

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*

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-------Part 1--------

The very next day after spending the night with Kurama----

(This should do it!)

Yoshino: "All patched up. Thank you for your hard work. I'm relieved that your injuries are all minor."

Morinaga: "Thank you. But I'm also sorry Yoshino. Your deal with Tamamo was broken last night and I had to make you come all this way, even though now you don't have any business with the Shogunate."

Morinaga-san smiles apologetically as I finished treating the cut on his shoulder.

Before leaving for Hiraizumi, I had asked Yoshitsune-sama to allow me to stop at the Shogunate camp.

(Some people have been injured because of me, and I want to work as a pharmacist for them for one last time.)

Yoshino: "No at all. Is there anything else that hurts?"

Morinaga: "No no. I'm strong, so I get hurt less."

Kurama: "Then leave. You've been touched too much by Yoshino."

Yoshino: "No!! Kurama!!!"

Kurama, who was leaning against the nearby fence was waving to drive Morinaga-san away.

Morinaga-san who didn't seem to care much laughs and puts his kimono back on.

Morinaga: "He's a tough nut to crack."

(I am happy that he came all this way for me.)

Yoshino: "It's natural to touch a patient while treating them. Don't take that in a weird way, Kurama."

Kurama: "That's why I kept quiet during the whole treatment."

I was about to say something back when I heard the sound of one person's footsteps in my ear....

Shigehira: "What's an outsider doing here?"

Yoshino: "Oh, Shigehira-kun."

Shigehira: "Thank you for your hard work, Yoshino-san."

Shigehira-kun walks and stops right in front of us.

Shigehira: "Also thank you for looking after my men."

Yoshino: "No no, please..... I'm going to leave some medicines for the people who haven't been treated. Can I give it to you two?"

Shigehira: "Okay. About the ones who didn't get treatment----"

While Shigehira-kun was about to say something, we heard the voices of some soldiers behind us, talking near their tent.

Shogunate soldier 1: "By the way, did you receive treatment from Yoshino-san?"

(Ah....)

Shogunate soldier 2: "No no, I'm...fine."

Shogunate soldier 1: "Ah...well, I can't blame you. A lot of them were scared including me. Even though she was manipulated, she was terrifying...."

Shigehira and Morinaga: "..........."

(I went around apologizing but I knew a lot of soldiers wouldn't see me the same way as before.)

The soldiers had left without noticing us.

Shigehira: "----I'll be back in a bit."

Yoshino: "No wait!"

I hurriedly grabbed Shigehira-kun's arm as he was about to chase them.

Yoshino: "It's only natural they'd react like that, so I don't mind."

,Shigehira: "But...they're wrong. You're not a scary person."

Yoshino: "You can't force them to change their mind. And I'm sure someday, they'll understand. Even if someone was afraid of me, I didn't behave in a way that would bring shame to myself or to my friends. That's all I need."

(I think I would have paid more attention to people's reactions before, but now...)

(I know there are more important things to do...)

(And the one who taught me that was.)

Kurama: "That's right. There's no point in trying to understand a bunch of humans."

------Part 2------

Kurama: "That's right. There's no point in trying to understand a bunch of humans."

Kurama who was watching us completed my sentence.

Kurama: "They don't deserve your mercy. Instead, it's best to destroy those loudmouths like Shigehira was about to earlier...."

Shigehira: "Wait, I wasn't gonna kill them..."

Yoshino: "And I won't let you."

Morinaga: "Looks like you're already having a hard time, Yoshino."

Shigehira: "Are you sure about this....? You can still say no if you want, Yoshino-san."

Shigehira-kun pointed sullenly at Kurama.

Shigehira: "He's crazy. He's not nice at all."

Kurama: "I'm a demon and that's how demons are."

Shigehira: "That makes another reason to not date you!"

(Hmmm. I can't help but think that about Kurama from an outsider's point of view.)

Yoshino: "Kurama is kind. He's just got a slightly peculiar way of showing it. He's just unique."

Shigehira: "Are you really sure? You weren't fooled by him, right? Because you're so friendly with everyone, you might've been mistaken about him."

Kurama: "It is only Yoshino's peculiar interpretation that I am kind. But don't you talk about her."

Kurama looks down at Shigehira-kun.

Then he walks over to me and takes my medicine box which I was holding close to my heart.

Kurama: "If you've finished your treatment here, let's go. I suppose you'll be treating the Rebels next."

Yoshino: "Ah, I'll hold that."

Kurama: "Not happening."

When I reached for my medicine box, he easily lifted up to a height I can't reach.

Kurama: "You've been working since morning. What if you die from overworking?"

Shigehira: "Die from overworking? Why are you exaggerating..."

Morinaga: "No, Shigehira. Let's hear it."

(Ummm......)

The murmuring between Shigehira-kun and Morinaga-san makes me shy.

Kurama: "I don't have any problem with humans not getting treatment, but....I'm ready to make concessions to your lunacy. In return, I want you to not sacrifice yourself for anyone but me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. You don't have to do that much...

2. I'm happy but scared.

3. It's not concessions... (+4/+4)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yoshino(blushing): "What you're doing is surveillance, not a concession!"

Kurama: "That's because you have been treating others like you're their personal maid. I don't like that."

Shigehira: "I'm getting very confused. I can't understand if he's being kind or over-possessive. What should I do? Maybe this is what Yoshino was talking about earlier? Showing kindness in a peculiar way."

Morinaga: "Kind or not...I'm relieved to see that Kurama cares about Yoshino in his own way."

Kurama: "It's only natural, right?"

(I think he's a little possessive.)

(Am I allowed to assume I'm getting special treatment from Kurama?)

That thought made me tickle and my cheeks were also red.

.................

After saying a final goodbye to everyone in the Shogunate and treating the Rebels soldiers.....

Finally, we left for Hiraizumi.

-----After a few days, we arrived at the Rebel mansion and I felt nostalgic.

From then on it was a busy and hectic life....

Sueharu: "Hmmm. So, after that, Kurama and Yoshitsune-sama went back to making a deal again."

------Part 3-------

Sueharu: "Hmmm. So, after that, Kurama and Yoshitsune-sama went back to making a deal again."

Kurama: "I broke it for my own reasons and now we went back like we used to be."

One day, the three of us, Kurama, Sueharu-san, and me, were having a peaceful conversation.

Yoshino: "I was worried about the plan failing, but it happened exactly how he predicted. You should have seen it too, they were really cool....."

Sueharu: "Hehe, I can imagine how crazy it was."

Yoshino: "I was also surprised how they managed to pull it out without having any meetings at all."

Sueharu: "I know. Yoshitsune-sama and Kurama are like each other in some way, aren't they?"

Kurama: "How am I similar to that vague man?"

(I think Kurama is the only one in this world who can call Yoshitsune-sama vague.)

Sueharu: "Yoshino, I hope you're not having a hard time."

Kurama: "Why are you saying the same thing as that Adachi Morinaga?"

Sueharu: "......What?"

(.....Sueharu-san?)

Suddenly, Sueharu-san's smile disappeared.

Sueharu: "Can you please not mention his name?"

Yoshino: "Do you know, Morinaga-san......?"

Sueharu: "Hm? Oh no, we don't really know each other that well."

The tension suddenly eased and Sueharu-san gave me his usual smile.

(It's alright now...but it seemed like for a moment something wasn't right.)

Sueharu: "Rather than that, Yoshino. I heard that you and Kurama are dating."

Yoshino: "Mm. That's right."

Before I could continue, he takes my hand and comes closer.

(Eh?)

Sueharu: "What a waste of a pretty sweet girl like you. Why don't you let me have her?"

Kurama(glares): "Hey."

Yoshino: "Oh."

Kurama quickly intervened and knocked Sueharu-san's hand away.

Kurama: "What are you doing with my love toy?"

Sueharu: "Are you seriously still addressing her as a toy? You must be grateful for Yoshino's open-mindedness."

Kurama(clueless): ".......?"

(Yeah, the exact same face he makes when he says his favorite line 'I don't understand.')

Kurama: "What's wrong with calling a toy a toy?"

Yoshino: "Umm....you can call me you're 'partner'?" (She says 'Koinaka, which means lover, I think in Japanese. 'Koi' means love and 'naka' means friend.....so 'love friend'?)

Sueharu: "A goddess like you doesn't deserve Kurama's outlandish remarks, right?"

Muttering in a light tone, Sueharu-san held up his index finger.

Sueharu: "But as a preacher of love....I want to know. Kurama, have you told Yoshino that you love her, properly?

Kurama: "Of course. On the battlefield, our hearts connected."

Sueharu: "Not like that, what I'm saying is....have tried saying things like 'Good morning, you look lovely today' and when you're about to go to bed 'Good night, I love you' something like that?

(Ummm....)

Kurama: "Are you telling me to be frivolous like you?"

Sueharu: "Hey! Don't look down on me! It's only a common thing to do once you start dating someone. It can make your love last longer."

(As expected...Sueharu-san has a lot of experience.)

Sueharu: "Awww. I feel bad for Yoshino who ended up with a man who has no knowledge about love."

------Part 4------

Sueharu: "Awww. I feel bad for Yoshino who ended up with a man who has no knowledge about love."

Kurama: "......"

Sueharu: "Ouch! Stop grabbing my head!"

Kurama: "I don't know why, but it made me angry."

Yoshino: "K-Kurama. Let go of him."

When Kurama loosens his fingers as if he doesn't care, Sueharu-san quickly escapes and shrugs his shoulders.

Sueharu: "Well, I guess, the idea of love and romance is different for demons. But your life spans are also a problem. Have you thought about that? It's even serious...no matter how much you care Yoshino, she'll die long before you. Don't tell me you just overlooked that, Kurama?"

I was surprised by the serious tone of the question.

(I had thought about the same thing too.)

(No matter how I try, I can't make Kurama happy for the rest of his life.)

A feeling of sadness washed over me and I waited for Kurama's answer.

Kurama: "I don't think about the future."

Sueharu: "Wow, that's refreshingly flat."

Yoshino: "Really...?"

Kurama: "Humans die long before me. What's the point in worrying about the obvious? I would rather make her happy in every moment of her dream life than spending my time on such things. As long as she smiles till the end, my heart will be filled with the memory of it. Whether it's for hundred or thousand years..."

Yoshino(blushing): "Kurama...."

(I didn't think it that way.)

I was deeply moved and I couldn't think what to say back.

Yoshino(smiling): "Thank you."

Kurama(smiling): "Yeah."

-----For that first time, he didn't tell not to thank him like he always does.

Sueharu: "!!!! ......Thank you very much for the food. I'm afraid I have some business. So I have to go for now."

Sueharu-san smiles and stands up.

Sueharu: "Oh, Yoshino!"

Yoshino(still blushing): "....? Yes."

Sueharu: "May you live long and prosper. But if you ever get tired of Kurama, you can always come to me, okay?"

Yoshino(blushing): "Eeeehhh!!!???"

Kurama(glares): "Get lost."

As if he ignored Kurama's words, Sueharu-san turns and winks at me before leaving.

(Maybe you were just joking, but you're a sinful man in many ways, Sueharu-san.)

After we were alone, Kurama turned to me.

Kurama: "That man is a tricky one. Don't let him get to you too much, Yoshino."

Yoshino: "I think Sueharu-san was just joking, so don't worry about it."

Kurama: "That man talks a lot of nonsense. But he's very popular with human women."

Kurama touches my cheek and stares at me.

Kurama: "Also, is it necessary to tell you regularly that I love you like he said?"

------Part 5------

Kurama: "Also, is it necessary to tell you regularly that I love you like he said?"

Yoshino(blushing): "......It is natural."

(I didn't know Kurama had the personality to say this kind of thing outright before we became romantically involved.)

My cheeks get hot from embarrassment and joy.

Kurama: "You're completely flushed."

Yoshino(blushing): ".....It's because of Kurama."

Kurama: "I'm not sure if I like that idea....but if you want to hear it, I'll give it to you."

Yoshino: "Ah!"

He holds me in his arms, and his masculine face gets closer making my heart beat faster.

Kurama: "I love you. You are the one and only toy that can fill me up and the first and last thing I'll ever give my love to."

The words were whispered in my ear and it struck straight to my heart like an arrow.

(.....His love confession is exactly like him, ARROGANT! But....)

I also want to be bold enough to offer my feelings in words.

Yoshino(blushing):: "I feel the same for you too, Kurama.....I love you, so much."

Kurama: "-----I know."

(Eh?)

He scooped up my chin with his fingertips and observed my flushed face.

Kurama: "It's certainly not bad to say it in words. It mysteriously fills my heart."

Yoshino(blushing): "Ah...mm....?"

Kurama: "Yes. And the look on your face is telling me how much you loved it."

(He is really teasing me now!)

Yoshino(blushing): "...Kurama is so weird sometimes.."

Kurama: "Then I suppose you like weird men like me. But it's too late to run away now."

Once again, Kurama puts his lips to my ear, this time without laughing.

Kurama: "Yoshino. I will kill anyone who harms you. If you leave me, I will kill you."

(Ah.....)

His red eyes were clear in the sunlight and looked at me without blinking.

I could tell by the quiet expression on his face that he meant what he said.

Yoshino: "........too noisy."

Kurama: "Don't like it?"

Yoshino(blushing): "I don't mind. But I'm asking you to relax because it's impossible for me to leave Kurama as well."

(I can do my job as a pharmacist, wherever I want. So I'll live along with Kurama for the rest of my life, happily.)

Kurama(smiling): "Then, everything is okay."

Our lips meet and we kissed deeply as if we were attracted to each other.....

Yoshino: "......Mmm.."

I was pushed down, and he stole my breath.

(I'm sure our relationship is different from that of a normal man and woman in love.)

(But I'm sure this is Kurama's way of love.)

The proof of this is that I now embrace boundless happiness.

Our lips quietly separated and we gazed at each other.

Kurama: "I've decided."

Yoshino(blushing): ".....What?"

Kurama: "I'll be a better man to be worthy of your love."

Kurama was excited thinking about his new resolution.

Kurama: "I'm going to learn how to behave in a way that's so in love that no one will tell me what to do."

(Oh my....)

I'm really curious to see Kurama's idea of 'behaving like a lover.'

Romantic END // Dramatic END

[kattheinsomniac]

In Memory of MONNIE. May 4, 2011 - March 21, 2019

Warning: LONG, emotional post ahead.

Oh, Monnie. How will I ever move on? You've been with us for almost 8 YEARS. How will I continue my life without you in it? It was so hard for us to see you suffer from Stage 4 Kidney Failure until your last breathe. Accepting your death felt like a torture. If only I could donate my own kidney just to save you from dying.

ANG SAKIT. SOBRANG SAKIT. It's been a long tough week without your presence. Everyday, it keeps on getting heavier. WALONG TAON ba naman? For 8 years, you were with us through happiness and sadness. Through thick and thin. Through highs and lows. This maybe just a shallow thing for other people and some might even say that you're "just a dog". Well, I just want those people to know that they'll never understand how difficult it is to lose a loved one until the same thing happens to them. You're not just a regular dog, Monnie. You're a FAMILY. It felt like I lost a SISTER, a TRUE FRIEND.

Sometimes, I think that it is much better to live with dogs or cats than with humans because dogs will never judge you and will love you unconditionally, no matter what kind of person you are. It is so hard to believe and to accept that last week, you were still here with us and on the following days, months, and years, we won't get to see your lovely face anymore.

I've already noticed some changes in you since the last few months of 2018 but the thought of you having a serious illness never crossed my mind not even a bit because you were such a loving and an active dog. I was considering that maybe you were just getting older dahil senior ka na. Until now, we are all still being dominated by anger and guilt. "Where did we go wrong? Why does it have to be you? Why did you have to suffer?" — These are some of the questions we keep on asking ourselves every single day.

Sana ako nalang. At least if it happens to a human being, there would still be a possibility to survive. I've told myself a lot of times that someday, one of the things that I fear the most will come but I didn't expect it to be this soon.

Since March 13, the day you started to get weak and those days after when you became better again, I would always whisper in your ear "Please don't leave me. Not now. Hindi pa ako handa..." but still, you left us. Siguro nga sobrang sakit na but still you were a FIGHTER. You didn't show us any signs that you were dying until your last day.

Monnie, I know that you're free from pain now but how can I ever accept the reality that I lost one of the greatest treasures in my life? How can I ever forget your face when you were in agony? The way you cried everytime your kidneys are in pain? All of these are forever embedded in my mind and heart. It really is hard and traumatic to see a loved one dying tragically because you know that they don't deserve to die in that manner.

If only the Vet was frank about your condition the moment your cbc results came out, we should've just spent your remaining days by spoiling you with your favorite foods and by letting you run and play outside the house while you still can instead of feeding you medicines that stressed you out.

I already had a feeling that you were just waiting for us to be complete and to gather around you. I was feeling hopeless, so helpless. But I became hopeful again because I saw you fighting. Even if you were already struggling to move, you still forced yourself to stand up and go to your usual spots around the house. You're such a BRAVE dog, Monnie.

I miss your sweet kisses. I miss the noise you make whenever you bark. I miss those lovely eyes. I miss how you would jump and reach out your paws to me because I know that means "I love you". I miss how you would wake me up in the morning with a huge smile on your face.

I miss how you eat way too much like there's no tomorrow. I miss those times when I get home from school and you were always the first one to greet me like you didn't see me for a long time. I miss going home knowing that there's a beautiful dog waiting for me. Just because of that horrible disease, my life will never be the same again. I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, MONNIE.

I don't know if I will ever move on, but I guess God wants another angel like you to guide and look out for us up there in doggo heaven. I can't find the right words to say good bye because I don't want to. So I guess I'll just say "See you soon, MY ANGEL..."

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, MY SWEET MONNIE. 'Til we meet again.