#well. you suck it up innit. you can make mistakes. you can regret starting to smoke and you can regret gettin tattoos and you can regret

[unionizedwizard]

man idk that "detransitioners" are even a thing. as in "oh god i made a terrible mistake and mutilated my perfect female body forever" like yeah some people who fit this description probably exist (but are definitely used by transphobes & also are transphobic themselves) but 1) there is immense pressure (social, economical, familial, medical, and otherwise) about not transitioning, and i hardly think that the fictional group of Malignant Militant Transgendereds Bwainwashing Ouw Poow Weetle Giwls Online would have any power compared to the overwhelmingly anti-transition pressure coming from Literally Everywhere 2) most "detransitioners" that i've personally met or heard of (ex-transmasc people, haven't met any transfem detransitioners - FOR SOME REASON HMMMM!) are like. you know. nonbinary lesbians. a demographic most notably known for their complicated relationship to womanhood & gender in general & blurring the frontier between butch lesbians & trans men. you know who personally brainwashed me and persuaded me that i was a "confused" butch lesbian and not a trans man and that it would be morally corrupt of me to transition tho? a close friend who turned out to be a full-blown TERF only a few months after i'd stopped seeing her & who kept parrotting terf rhetoric at the time (not that i noticed back then). that would have made me a (social) detransitioner at the time and it took several years to repair the damage she did. you can't say that trans people are the ones who brainwash and manipulate innocent cis people into transitioning when the exact opposite is often happening for real

[okayohay]

I Just Wanted To Be Edgy Too (Chapter Three)

Here is Chapter 3 of my fic. Hope you enjoy and it gives you something to do while you scroll through tumblr. Cheers

I Just Wanted To Be Edgy Too

Chapter Three

Van

I kept my sunglasses on as we drove through the rainiest parts of America and stared out the window of the bus. The tea in my hands grew cold an hour ago, but I was too tired to get up and heat it back up. Tea in the microwave never tasted the same to me anyways.

I tapped my finger on the side of the mug as Larry sat down in the bench seat across from me. I offered him a lazy half smile and brought the cup to my lips, pretending not to notice its lack of warmth.

"No sleep again?" Larry kept his voice low, but I could still hear him over the hum of the television a few feet away. Benji was sucked into a show on Netflix and Bob seemed just as interested.

I nodded and looked back out the window. Sleep and I were in a war with each other, and for the last six months I'd been losing. Some nights were easy, and I'd drink myself into a fog and have no problem surrendering to it, but I'd wake up rotten, full of aches and regrets. Most of the time, I'd nod off for a few hours here or there and wake up restless. No amount of writing or attempting to write new material could stifle the urge I had for sleep.

Larry knocked his knuckles against the glass and traced the droplets off rain with his index finger. We shared an ability to speak in silence, Larry and me. He'd been my best mate since we were kids, and even though he couldn't play a song to save his life, I couldn't imagine my band without him. He was a great tech, and someone who loved whatever job I'd appoint him to do. I could read his mind as he stared out the window, looking much older than the boy I used to laugh with in my parent's basement until dawn.

"I miss home, too." I said softly as I took another sip of cold tea.

Larry nodded on a shrug. "Steve said he messaged everyone about the itinerary for the holidays. Looks like we won't be going home until February."

I nodded. I used to feel personally attacked when someone wanted to go home and couldn't because of our schedule. I used to let it eat at me until I'd explode, but I'd learned to channel it into words and not take things so personal. I drove the band into this, it was my responsibility, but not one of us could have expected the success we were given. I warned them years ago that it would come with a cost. No one cared then, but that was before we all lost things that were important to us.

"Maybe we'll have some time off when we get there. Time to ourselves, it can be like old times."

Larry half smiled. "Will it ever be like old times again?"

I turned to look at him leaving my glasses on so I could keep my eyes hidden. I didn't want him to see the truth in them. I didn't want him to see the exhaustion, the worry, the fear. "It'll always be like old times."

Lie. I already told you, never trust a writer. By all means, I was a writer. But if I could pacify my best friend with a bit of a white lie to ease the tension at the table, then I would.

Larry nodded and smiled again, hope furrowing his brows. I wished it could be like it old times. I wished that more than ever. All of it happened so quick, and when we did catch fire, we kind of scorched everything. I burnt a lot of bridges I didn't mean to, and we all started to feel differently than we did years ago. It was heavier on our shoulders now though. A bigger chip. It didn't help that I hadn't been able to write new material in months.

"What was the deal with you and Barns at soundcheck last night?"

I was thankful he changed the subject, I'd had just enough of the heavy. I laughed a bit and leaned into the back of the bench seat. "He's awful inn't he?" I let out a long sigh and shook my head. "He reminded me not to let onto his girlfriend that he's been shagging other girls."

Larry shifted nervously in his seat. He knew I didn't like to talk about cheating, he knew I didn't like to bring up faithfulness in relationships. I had made mistakes too many times in the past for things I'd never forgive myself for. It was my crutch. "What brought that conversation on?"

I shrugged. "She was at soundcheck writing in a notebook and she had a camera. I assumed she was an interviewer and I was on one, so I kinda let her have it for a minute."

Larry leaned forward, a smug look on his face. "You ever seen an interviewer carry a notebook and hand write anything?"

I thought over his question and reached across the table and ruffled his hair. "I said I was proper on one, don't give me that."

"Alright, alright, mate. So, is that what worked up good ol' Barnsy then?"

"I couldn't say. Maybe. I'm not sure how much of it he heard. He was more worried about me slipping up to her I think. I'll be glad when this tours done. If I had any say innit I'd have him gone now. Call up someone else to finish the next leg."

Larry nodded his silent agreement to me. "You're not going to tell her...are you?"

I turned back to the window, glancing out at the endless highway and dull green landscape that rolled alongside of the bus. "I don't even know her, Larry."

"That's not the answer to the question I asked."

I waved my hand through the air. "I don't even know her so I why would I go out of my way to meddle?"

Larry stuck his lower lip out and nodded a few times before responding. "Because you hate Barns."

I laughed.

"I'm not being funny."

"I know. But I'm not getting in their business. That's on them."

"It's just not like you to not say somethin', especially somethin' about things like that."

"Well, I'm not. I don't care."

And that wasn't a lie. I didn't.

**

Bondy woke me up around nine thirty, when the bus came to a stop outside of a hotel in Nashville.

"You don't want to crash here for the night, mate. They got us rooms. C'mon, up you go."

"How long was I out?" I scrambled for my notebook, hoping I was able to get something down before I dozed off, but the pages were nearly just as blank as they had been when I started. The only words I had written down were "edgy" and "I don't know what to say". I didn't have any idea where I had been going with either of them. I tossed the book into my bunk and rubbed my eyes.

"Maybe forty minutes."

"Feels like I slept for days."

"You need to sleep for days, it'd probably fix you up."

I grabbed my bag and followed him off the bus and into the lobby where Steve stood with keys for us. The hotel was all marble tile and glossy counter tops. A chandelier hung from the center of the room and reflected onto the floor. The place looked a little too fancy for any of us. We all stood in dark jeans and leather jackets that were unnecessary for the warmth outside. We didn't fit in here, clearly. The manager of the hotel stood at the desk, a thin line of sweat coating his forehead. Luckily for him, it wasn't us he had to worry about. We weren't the rowdy ones...typically.

"Be down here by noon tomorrow, Van." Steve spoke sternly as he handed me my room key. He was still pissed about us playing Overlap and not telling him. I could hear it in his voice.

"I'll be here."

"You've got two interviews before soundcheck."

I raised up my hands and nodded. "Then let me get to my room so I can sleep."

I brushed past him and ducked into the elevator with Benji. Bob and Bondy were still talking to Steve and nodded their farewells to us as the elevator doors closed showing our reflections in their bronze walls. We both let out long sighs.

"Calling it an early night, Blakes?"

"I'm not as young as I used to be. And I can't stop thinking about that show we were watching. I'm going to soak in a few more episodes."

The doors opened on a ping and he stepped out, but paused for a moment and held his hand against the open door.

"Unless you want to do something." His statement sounded more like a question, and judging by the look on his face, it was a question he feared the answer to.

I shook my head. "I'm alright, probably gonna try to get some more sleep. Maybe I'll have some more luck like on the bus."

"Alright V. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Noon." I said in my best Steve voice. He laughed as the doors closed.

I rode the next three floors in silence staring at the ceiling the whole time. When the doors opened to my floor, I stepped out into the foyer and turned the corner to find my room. Just a few doors down from me stood Barns, fumbling with a key, Ellie at his side. I looked away quickly, down at my own key and pulled my bag over my shoulder tighter.

"Hey Hey!" Barns yelled out. I glanced up and half smiled, more so at Ellie than him. I owed her an apology, but now wasn't the time. I needed to do it when he wasn't around, because it needed to be sincere and I didn't want to slip up and say something about Barns.

"Hope we don't keep you up, McCann." Barns laughed loudly, flashing me his perfect teeth and tilting his head back. I glanced at Ellie, who blushed and pushed her way past him into the room. They disappeared behind their door just as mine opened. A fire burned in me that I didn't understand. Maybe it was just low tolerance for Barns and how vile he was. Maybe I was just jonesing for a drink.

I tossed my bag on the bed and glanced around the empty room for a few minutes before deciding I couldn't be in it. It was too hollow, too empty and quiet, and my mind was being loud and needy. I didn't want to sit in here alone and try to find sleep when I knew it wouldn't come. I pulled my phone from my pocket and typed in Benji's number.

I'm going down to the hotel bar. Turns out I need to do something else. You can meet me if you're up for it.

I shrugged my coat off and rolled the sleeves of my shirt up before sticking my key into my pocket and opening the door. I paused for a moment before making sense of who was looking back at me.

Ellie.