#well. hopefully its fine. but idk. i think maybe i will try to get a nap in cause my brain is sinply not working anymore

[alildritten]

Ah yes, the scariest story of all:

G A Y

(/j)

[h3rmitsunited]

I was going back through my old school stuff from like 1st grade and there was this like journal where we had to write like a couple sentences each day to practice writing and stuff and i had this one day where part of what I wrote was "I hate myself today because I had to change my card to yellow" (the cards were like discipline things so you started with green and if you weren't being good you had to stand up and go to the front of the class to change your card) and I don't remember what it was for but I'm sure I was just like maybe talking or something like that.

But like damn. Even just thinking about the times I had to change my cards in those classes makes me want to cry. I remember always being so upset anytime the teachers weren't happy with me and then I think about me now and how I'm always expecting people to think the worst of me or be hiding that they don't like me or always expecting the other shoe to drop even if they've been telling me I'm doing a good job because I'm bad and I need them to just tell me why and what exactly they're holding back

And I've got a review coming up at work soon with my bosses since it's almost my 6 year anniversary of working there and all I can think is oh good now they can stop telling me how great I am and how happy they are to have me there and just tell me everything I'm doing wrong because I know the compliments aren't right and they have to have been holding back what all my issues are.

And I think something in my upbringing may have kind of fucked my head up... just a little bit

[be-good-to-bugs]

ugh ive been awake too long to still be packing

[pupkashi]

hii can you do Gojo and reader doing skincare with each other?

thank you so so much !!

a/n: thank you for the request this is so cute hehe :3 just a short little drabble as i work on a couple longer pieces i can hopefully get out soon ! i hope this was okay idk how i feel abt it :P

“okay you have to keep a straight face once i put this on you or else it’ll mess up” you say, looking at your lover with a stern face, “okay?”

satoru huffs, flopping onto his back before springing back up with a nod, “alright fine I’ll sacrifice my amazing sense of humor for-” he squints his eyes as he reads the label of the container in your hand, “10 minutes?!”

“oh please you aren’t even that funny” you laugh, rolling your eyes when he claims he already made you laugh.

“put on your bunny ears and sit still” you demand, throwing the headband at him softly, smiling fondly when he pouts at you. “if you sit still I’ll give you a kiss,” you bargain, mixing up the mask in its container with the small spreader.

“3 kisses, minimum” his hands crossed across his chest, an attempt to be intimidating.

“two kisses, max, and you dont look intimidating with cinnamoroll ears, you look like a cute little bunny,” you grin, kissing his blushing cheeks before placing two kisses on his lips.

satoru remains still as you apply the mask, alternating between staring at you and fluttering his eyes shut. maybe he could go the 10 minutes without laughing.

his first mistake was asking to apply the mask to your face, because he was already wanting to giggle from just how softly you were looking at him.

“toru stop smiling it’ll crack!” you pout, watching as he fought back a smile as he spread the mask on your face.

“okay, I’m done laughing- only sad thoughts now,” he shuts his eyes, taking a deep breath and continuing to apply your mask.

his second mistake was looking at the pair of you in the mirror, bright green masks covering 95% of your faces, lips trying their hardest to not break into a smile.

you knew from the very beginning the mask would crack, it was impossible for the two of you to not smile when you were in the same room for longer than 30 seconds at a time.

for the first couple of minutes the two of you closed your eyes and relished in the silence. until satoru’s stomach cried out for help, and you had to stifle your laughter.

“you hungry?” you asked, eyes opening as you turn to look at your lover.

“no, i think i have to use the restroom,” he frowns, hands clutching his stomach as he jumped out of bed.

“oh my god,” you bit your lip, ready to give up on the face mask when satoru walks out of the restroom only a couple moments later.

“false alarm,” his face completely blank as he settles into bed next to you once more. “how much time is left?”

“6 minutes.”

“you’re lying to me, it has been much longer than four minutes!” he groans, “life is so hard when i can’t talk to my funny, amazing, beautiful, perfect, sweetheart,” he sighs.

“life is so peaceful when i can’t talk to my boyfriend,” you sigh, eyes opening and seeing satoru looking at you with the biggest frown on his face you’d ever seen, “I’m kidding! life is so terrible without my angel boy,” you reassure, a smile almost breaking onto your face.

silence settles between the two of you for a second.

“so, the weather” he asks, the two of you staring each other in the eyes before a smile breaks onto both of your faces, incessant giggles and back to back snorts filling the room as the two of you topple over in laughter.

“the weather? really?” you cry, smacking his leg as you continue laughing.

“you weren’t even talking! i was at least trying!” he laughs, tears rolling down his face as he wipes them instinctively, the mask rubbing onto his hands and making him frown.

“well the masks are ruined,” you check the timer on your phone, “how do we still have ten minutes left?” satoru asks, looking at him with a straight face when the timer goes off.

“thank god it’s over, let’s wash this off immediately so i can get my kisses” he grins, bounding over the restroom with his bunny ears flopping with him.

he’s quick to rinse his face, patting it dry with a towel before letting you do the same, watching as you moisturize your face and instruct him to do the same.

when the two of you are finally back in bed satoru looks more rejuvenated than ever, eyes bright and skin dewy as he smiled at you.

you could help but giggle, a small ‘what?’ leaving your lips as he hums in reply, taking you in his arms and pulling you as close to him as he could.

he could smell your body wash and your shampoo mixing together, he could smell his laundry detergent on his shirt that you stole. he figured this is what home smelled like.

“i love you, sweetheart,” he mumbles, placing feather kisses across your face, grinning when you laugh softly.

“i love you more, angel boy,” you sigh happily, “but you suck at skin care.”

satoru whines, falling ontop of you in protest, “next time i won’t mess it up i promise! today was just too good of a day to not laugh with my lover.”

you roll your eyes, not a hint of annoyance or attitude as you reply, “oh really? because that’s what you said the last three times we tried.”

“everyday is just perfect when it’s with you,” he grins, picking himself up and vigorously placing kisses across your face, only stopping when you push him off you gently.

“fine we’ll try again next time,” you smile, “now let’s go to sleep im exhausted.”

you didn’t really care about the masks or if they’d really help your skin or if the two of you ever made it the whole 10 minutes without messing it up.

all you cared about was spending time with your lover

taglist (send and ask to be added!): @chilichopsticks @anime-for-the-sleepless @4sat0ruu @safaia-47 @nanamikentoseyebags @fushironi @nineooooo @the-mom-friend-dot-com @gojoshooter @sat6ru @beautiful-is-boring @sweetheart-satoru @luna0713hunter @torusmochi

[datesinredink]

Yan turtles (rottmnt) with an m/c that’s allergic to reptiles/turtles? Idk I just think it would be funny (not Donnie trying to get m/c into getting injections to help the allergy-)

ANON I AM SO SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG BCIRBIFUNUIEH

Super duper sorry i ended up procrastinating really hard and i guess god took issue with that because he struck me down with multiple QAs and a Feelings crisis but the tests are over and I finally managed to sit down and finish Raph's part- seriously i struggled with him and mikey a lot but i guess it was kinda worth it in the end because Raph has an entire 110 more words to his part than the other three- hopefully it makes up for my lack of knowledge of his character. Enjoy!

Donnie

“My inspiration for this device was simplicity-”

Yeah you’re getting a hazmat suit until your allergies either magically disappear or he figures out some other solution

You’ll probably have to do a lot of tests, including possibly a blood draw but I’m no medical expert- since I headcanon Leo to be the medic he’ll probably end up helping too

After he finally puts the pieces together, he’ll start working with Leo to engineer a medicine to help suppress your allergic reaction, and maybe even be able to get rid of it entirely

Also anon you’re very right, you may be subjected to becoming the human pincushion of allergy shots while he figures it out. It’s safe. No it won’t kill you. Yes he made sure. Just, uh, maybe don’t ask your best friend their opinion on needles for a while….

In the meantime, he completely hates the current situation. He finally meets someone that he’s (mostly) fine with touching him, and they CAN’T TOUCH HIM without a HAZMAT SUIT. Just the worst. Awful times.

Normally, he’d have you around almost always, but, unfortunately, that’s currently not ideal.

Starts trying to keep things extra clean around the lair for you. Also everything that can be sanitized is sanitized. Good luck in the cleanliness prison after you get kidnapped later on.

The best about keeping distance, since he already wasn't super touchy before this whole situation. While he might tap you on the arm or something once or twice, it's nothing serious and you won't have a problem with him on that front.

Going back to the hazmat suit real quick, while it does do its job well, it's definitely not the most comfortable thing to wear, and you'll probably end up getting too hot pretty quick, so chances are you won't willingly be wearing it all too often. Donnie may occasionally force you to wear it, but otherwise you (usually) just... don't have to.

Leo

He’s the one who finds out you’re allergic. It was an accident he SWEARS. He only wanted to give you a pat on the arm when April first introduced you to them! How could he have known you’d get hives where he touched you?

At least he knows how to treat it. He managed to guide April through treating it, after which he sulked while rereading some Jupiter Jim comics.

Has a personal grudge against your immune system for daring to make you allergic to him. How dare your cells get mad about him.

When Donnie tells him that he might have “a fix, bro”, Leo jumps at the opportunity- oh thank god, he can finally hug you!

…Doesn’t mean he’s not super bad at focusing on actually working on it. Don’t worry, he’ll fix it eventually, just have a little patience.

Honestly, this is your chance to BOOK IT away from them, because none of them are as clingy as they will be after your allergies are cured/suppressed, which gives you more time to leave New York before things go from bad to worse.

Anyway, Leo’s about as clingy as he can be without physically clinging onto you for hours on end. Constantly hanging around you, like a ghost haunting their killer, except you’re not the one who kills people.

He might end up using your allergy to try and manipulate you away from his brothers. Mikey keeps forgetting to keep distance, Donnie’s suffocating and makes you wear a hazmat suit, and Raph almost treats you like a sopping wet cat that he has to take care of, so why not just stay with him? 

As much as he likes to criticize Mikey for forgetting, sometimes, particularly early on, he gets a little too close, and your allergies flare up, and while he does genuinely feel kinda bad, he will exaggerate his remorse for sympathy from you. He genuinely does try and apologize for it later, and he probably portals you two somewhere nice and gets you a couple of trinkets you like or find useful.

Mikey

Absolutely heartbroken!

His love is allergic to him! This is awful!

2nd most panicked when they first find out. Is their new friend ok? Did they mess up?

If you have a low tolerance for pain/allergic reaction symptoms and cry a little he probably will too. High empathy, man…

He’s really understanding after everything’s resolved and they figure out you’re allergic to them. He tries his best to keep a fair amount of distance between you and him, but he tends to naturally be physically affectionate, so there may be a slight adjustment period. He really doesn’t mean harm though.

He occasionally tries to bring you something from the mystic city that he thinks would be safe- a small figurine, maybe a sketchbook if you also like doing art, if he manages to bargain for/steal a piece of jewelry, he’ll also give that to you.

As I mentioned before, Mikey’s pretty big on physical touch, but since that’s off limits (for now) he’ll try to show you affection in any other way he can think of

Mostly quality time. He likes to take you with him when he explores through the sewers/city to spraypaint a couple of blank walls, and he’ll probably get you to try it too, and regardless of your skill level he’ll tell you it’s great

After Donnie and Leo finish making the cure, Mikey squeezes the LIFE out of you- he doesn’t mean to practically strangle you, but he’s fairly strong and he got excited, so he does feel a little bad afterwards.

Will decorate the hazmat suit Donnie gave you if you let him. He'll put stickers on it that match his and draw fun patterns that may or may not relate to him in some way. Maybe the spots he has, or the face on his knee pads. It's pretty endearing, even if his brothers may occasionally glare at him. In Mikey's opinion, if they're really that jealous, they should add something themselves.

Raph

And the award for most paranoid goes to….

Ok but really, he’s the most overbearing about it. This probably isn’t a surprise, but it’s still something I've gotta mention.

You don’t really have to worry about Donnie making you wear the hazmat suit- he gets it, not a fun sensory experience- other than a couple stand-out occasions, but you will have to convince Raph fairly often that you’ll be fine without it.

To be fair, it’s partially because he also forgets not to touch you sometimes, and while he’s better about it than Mikey and most of the time Leo, he’s also self-aware and protective enough that he’d rather be safe than sorry.

If you’re having an allergic reaction, he’ll either get Leo/Donnie/April to help you, or go find the hazmat suit Donnie made him a while ago when Splinter got sick and then help you himself

There’s a chance he might not do great though, as he’s not always the best under pressure and tends to panic when the people he loves are hurt or in some sort of extreme situation, especially when it comes to you (seriously, he treats you like a porcelain doll), but you can be reassured that he’ll do his absolute best to make you safe and comfortable.

Feels terrible after, pampers you a lot after the ordeal. Every time, not just the first few.

If he wasn’t the one who caused it, then he’s definitely pissed at whichever of his brothers made your allergies flare up. He won’t kill them, and he won’t lose it and drop kick them into tomorrow (yet. If they ever intentionally trigger your allergies he might snap some bones) but there will be a noticeable irritation and tension for at least the next few weeks between him and them.

He’s super excited after Donnie and Leo finish the allergy shots! I personally headcanon him to be the second touchiest of the brothers (Mikey being the most touchy, of course) so there’ll be a lot more casual touch between you two after. Hugs, headpats, you get the idea. If you try to tell him to stop, he’ll be very upset, though doing his best to understand, he will try to respect your wishes.. Before going right back to it after a week tops. Sometimes he genuinely does forget, after all, he does have a fair amount on his plate, but sometimes he does intentionally wait until he thinks he can get away with it again before jumping right back to how things were before. He’ll vehemently deny it, but no matter what happens, you’ll likely never really get him to stop for an extended period of time.

[superfallingstars]

Hey! Wanted to send you another playlist ask prompt (if that's ok) ^^: Percy Weasley in his flat, trying not to think about his family. I'm genuinely wondering what he would listen to

send me playlist asks!

First off, you can basically always send playlist prompts, I’m fine with it, I have a ton of fun with these. It’s just a matter of whether I answer them in a few weeks, months, or years LOL

I confess, before receiving this ask, I had thought about Percy for maybe a grand total of 5 seconds, so suffice it to say that I had no idea what to do about this. However I recently (VERY recently) started rereading the series and I’m slowly remembering who tf he is lol. My playlists for the other Weasley kids all have a huge Britpop influence, so I decided to continue that (along with some other alternative 80s and 90s stuff) on Percy’s. Hopefully it comes across that he is a huge stuck-up nerd, but he is also just a young guy trying to find his place in the world, going through the difficult process of realizing that he's made a mistake, and admitting to himself and the people he hurt that he was wrong... I imagine it was a very humbling experience. Also wow there’s so many great songs about moving on and starting a new life and I don’t think about you at all anymore so idk why you’re even sending me a sweater MOM. Basically I'm quite proud of the lyrics on this one (part of why it took me 10000 years to answer) – so let's get into it

Track list:

Blur - There’s No Other Way: starting off strong with some early Blur. Tbh I don’t really know what this song is about but I enjoy that it starts out with “You’re taking the fun out of everything.” Soooo true Percy you killjoy

The Wedding Present - Box Elder: Great song about leaving (specifically a relationship – unfortunately most great songs about moving on are about relationships, but whatever)! “I’ve got a lot of things to do / A lot of places to go / I’ve got a lot of good things coming my way / And I’m afraid to say that you’re not one of them.” Yeowch!

Lloyd Cole and the Commotions - Are You Ready To Be Heartbroken?: I adore this song in all its 80s glory! The meaning is a bit ambiguous but imo it’s about being an opinionated, idealistic, pretentious young person (“Making your friends feel so guilty about their cynicism”) who doesn’t realize real life is going to – well – break their heart.

The Smiths - London: I just heard this song for the first time two days ago and omg it's perfect. Like it’s literally about leaving your friends and family behind to go move to London and work in the big city. Percy would 10000% listen to this (and uncritically agree that the only reason his family is mad at him is because they’re jealous of his success and his big boy job at the Ministry)

Ned’s Atomic Dustbin - Selfish: from what I can tell, this song is about being an insecure loser so you get all stuck-up and mean about it. "If I don't know what's cool / Will you call me a loser?" ... “I hope your head's aching from having too much fun” ... “The selfish gene in me / Has finally come into being / He’s teaching me how to be mean / But that’s a sorry sorry state to be in” ..Rather fitting, isn’t it?

The Wedding Present - Getting Nowhere Fast: read an article about this song (the original song, this is a cover) that described it as “the feeling that your failing life isn’t what you signed up for” and honestly I can’t describe it any better than that

Blur - Birthday: this song is about spending your birthday alone and feeling really weird and bad about it. Which is something I hadn’t even considered could have happened to Percy but now I 1000% believe that it did

New Order - Weirdo: These lyrics man. “It’s a life that’s made for me / Where I can be completely free / So long as I obey this sound / That echoes all around” Lollll

Dire Straits - Brothers in Arms: This song is a little dated for Percy’s time, but I quite like putting 80s stuff on here because I think older music adds to Percy's supposed maturity as well as making him seem accurately uncool. And “We’re fools to make war on our brothers in arms” wow sooooo true

The Verve - Neon Wilderness: truly captures the vibes of being a lonely young person living on your own in the big city. I can vividly picture Percy listening to this alone in his flat and slowly realizing what a sad and solitary life he has created for himself…

Pavement - Stop Breathing: THE REALIZATION. This song is technically about a soldier dealing with the emotional toll of war but it works fantastically well for this playlist (the guilt of realizing you were wrong, that you truly hurt others, and that your whole belief system was massively flawed). “Write it on a postcard / Dad they broke me / Dad they broke me.” Ummmmm screaming crying throwing up

The Rentals - It’s Time to Come Home: It really is.

WOWWW this one was so fun! It was a challenge to create a playlist for a character I’m not super familiar with, but honestly that was probably the most fun part about it! It’s so rewarding when you spend some time thinking about a character you (initially) feel neutral towards and force yourself to really consider their motivations and relate to them – I like Percy a lot more now LOL. Thank you so much for the ask!

[campingwiththecharmings]

hi :) this request isn't on the list you reblogged but i saw this on another post and thought it'd be cute for poe maybe holiday-themed idk your the expert :) thank u so much <3

“Apparently all our friends have a bet going that we end up together.”

Midnight

AN: Thank you for requesting this, nonnie. I'm so sorry I didn't get something out to you earlier. Hopefully this is okay! 🤞💖 (also there is technically a new years-y holiday in Star Wars canon according to Wookieepedia sooooo 😜).

(Un-beta'd)

Rated: T Words: 733 Pairing: Poe Dameron x GN!Reader Warnings: kissing, friends to lovers, possibly terrible writing. AO3

——————

“We don't have to do this, you know,” he half-shouts, leaning closer so you can hear him over all the commotion in the room. “It's just a silly tradition.” 

You lean back a little, shaking your head as you shout back. “What? No, it's fine.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure, Dameron. Why’re you trying to talk me out of this? Does my breath smell bad or something?”

He cringes, his eyes teasing. “Well, I wasn’t gonna say anything but—”

You scoff, reaching out a hand to push his shoulder. “Shut up.”

The whole base is buzzing with excitement as the new year looms, and while you’re still in the middle of a war, everyone can’t seem to help celebrating. The General says that these kinds of moments are necessary, not just to keep up morale, but to remind everyone what they’re fighting for, that hope is not yet lost.

The energy in the hangar is at its peak as you near midnight, everyone around you loudly counting down. You and Poe join in, laughing when there are only a few seconds left. 

At the count of one, he leans forward, pressing his lips against yours. Your breath stutters at the contact, heat unexpectedly flaring in your chest; his lips are soft and gentle as they move tentatively against yours. He sucks in a breath when you kiss him back, your fingers twisting in the fabric of his shirt. His hand comes up to cradle your cheek and you lean into it, sighing when he pulls your body against his with the other. His chest is solid and warm against yours, and you wonder if he can feel your heart beating like a drum against your rib cage. You can’t think, you can’t breathe, all you know is that you want more—more of this, more of him.

After what simultaneously feels like seconds and hours, he pulls back. You’re dizzy, feeling almost drunk as you close your eyes, savoring the memory of his lips against yours. You swallow thickly, trying in vain to bury the feelings kissing him seems to have brought to the surface. There is an ache in your chest at the loss of him, and suddenly you wonder how you’ve managed to go on for so long without this.

You open your eyes, meeting his with a smile, all the while praying he won’t be able to see the longing there. He smiles back at you, his familiar brown eyes almost glassy, as if he’s had a little too much ale. Everyone cheers around you, a part of you registering that midnight has come and gone, that a new year has begun, the rest of you not caring the least.

He’s still holding onto you, your hands resting against his chest as you gaze at each other, his hand still cupping your cheek. You can’t look away, you don’t want to look away; it’s like a switch has been flipped inside your head, unleashing all of your (seemingly) long-repressed feelings for him. 

“Happy New Year,” he rasps, swallowing thickly as he studies your face. "You okay?"

You nod dumbly, wetting your lips, your stomach flipping as the action draws his gaze there. “Yeah. You?”

“I’m—yeah, I’m great,” he breathes, still looking at your mouth.

You should be panicking right now, but instead, a strange sense of certainty has come over you; it’s like somehow you always knew this would happen, like it was always meant to happen. The thought makes you giddy and you can’t stop the chuckle that escapes you.

This seems to shake him from his staring contest with your lips, his eyes flicking immediately to yours. Your heart aches at the panic there, at the thought that you might be laughing at him. You do your best to ease it, meeting his gaze unwaveringly, trying to show him that you want this, that you want him. The panic disappears from his eyes almost as quickly as it appeared, a lightness replacing it.

“You know,” he says conspiratorially, sliding his hand down your arm to grasp your hand in his. “Apparently all our friends have a bet going that we end up together.”  

“Well,” you say, smiling as you lean in, your mouth hovering over his. “We wouldn’t want to disappoint them, would we?” 

“No, definitely not,” he murmurs, smiling as he captures your lips in another kiss.

Review (pretty please)?

🌟 Masterlist 🌟

i am no longer doing a taglist. please follow @charmingupdates for updates and turn on notifications.

[shootingstarrfish]

Do you have any tips on how you do shading ?? Your art really inspires me and I literally suck at shading lmao.

hello anon!!! im honoured i can inspire you sdfhkjh it's crazy to me that i can inspire literally anyone :,DDD <33

tbh i do all my shading purely based on vibes/what makes me happy so im not sure im a good advice person but ill show you a breakdown of how i go about shading and hopefully that might help a bit? :o i've left it below the cut because i have too much to say and it ended up being really long LOL

of course if there's anything you want more details on i'm always happy to explain, just let me know!

okay SO ill use this asmo as my example, i think there's enough to talk about here that it should be helpful hopefully

so here's my lineart and flats! i do all my flat colours in one layer because i find it easier to make everything look more cohesive when the pieces arent separated (i usually like it when the colours bleed into each other a lil), but i also just dont like the process of having to switch between layers for everything too LOL flats are unfortunately my least favourite part :,D probably because my lineart is so messy hahah

as you can see, the shading is very minimal here, just some subtle stuff in the wings/sheer parts of the fabric and some blushing on the skin, i also stole the orange under eye/liner thing from TBHK because <3

and then i clean up any messy stuff by just painting over top of everything on a new layer, i also rendered the metal at this stage because i felt like it i guess???

i dont think i did a suuper good job at rendering the metal here (because i was lazy), it looks fine but something to note about metal is that usually you want to push the highlights and the shadows a lot more, as well as the reflections because it is so shiny and smooth this is why you'll see a lot of pink and blue in the metal, to show the reflections of his hair and the sky

i would recommend using reference to get a better idea of how metal ACTUALLY works but again, i was lazy lol so that's a simple explanation based on what little i know/have observed

the jump here is a bit drastic and you might be like woah starr where'd all this come from?? but this is all in one layer-

('hard light' - 62% opacity)

this is how that layer looks as a normal full opacity layer, for reference:

lately i've been using hard light layers to shade! they're very versatile because unlike multiply layers i can do my shading and my highlights within one layer (do you sense a theme of me disliking having too many layers lmao)

SO this is where i have a bit more to say about shading you'll notice the prominent shading colour here is blue, this is because the main environment here (the sky) is blue. i dont know if that's how things work in the real world but it works for me LMAO i usually prefer to have my shading lean cooler purely for aesthetic reasons, i like how it looks more

you might also notice some areas where the blue is a bit brighter, this is to imitate reflected light, again because the environment is blue light tends to bounce around on things and reflect back even into the shadows so this is the effect im trying to get, i like to typically go with a brighter blue cause it gives things a sort of shinier? quality that i enjoy aesthetically, idk if its very accurate to real life tho it also helps me to give depth to the shading since shading isnt usually just one flat blob, and this is a bit of a shortcut to having more dynamic (?) looking shadows

i also want to point out my use of bright reds on the edge of the shadows:

i believe this is called diffraction- there's a real legit scientific reason why it happens but i... dont know what that is i just know it happens in real life (maybe not to this extent?) and it looks cool so i do it SFHJKSFH i usually blend it into the shadows though as opposed to into the lighter parts, i find that tends to look better

some miscellaneous things-

don't be afraid to throw random colours around!! who cares about realism, it's fun lmao

this artwork is a spoiler for asmo's bday so shhhhh but i did want to quickly show that you can also use hard light layers to create a glowy effect, i literally just painted the pink/orange directly on the shadows layer and it helped to make his eyes more glowy

of course i do go in and paint over a little after and add some layer effects but it helps to have that base there

now that you've learnt that i dont know what i'm doing, i wanted to highlight a couple of resources that have helped me! i hope they help you as well <3

this video gives some really interesting insights into this artist's process and some problems they had throughout, as well as how they overcame them! it looks a lil clickbaity but i promise it's good!!

this tweet also shifted how i think about rendering when i want to do something with dramatic lighting!

+ an attempt i made to replicate this (i wanna try this again lmao it was fun)

i hope that helps even a little bit, i did my best to explain but sorry if it was mostly nonsense though :,DDD best of luck with your art, anon!! <3333

[lokidokieokie]

Ever The Gentleman

Request by Nonny: Love ur Hiddles fics ❤️ Had an idea for a fic where reader is an actress working with Tom and he notices she's not feeling well. Later he notices a blood stain on the back of her pants and realises why she wasn't well and helps her out so she isn't embarrassed. And of course he's such a gentleman about the whole situation.

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x Actress!Reader

Warning(s): Period things, Tom being a gentlemen, idk man probably some other things I can't think of...

For Tom, today on set had pretty much been a blast...until it wasn't.

He started off in hair and makeup; cracking jokes with Jeni and Abigail the artist and stylist assigned to him. They truly were lovely people--especially when they encouraged his corny "dad" jokes for hours on end.

Then he moved onto wardrobe, where he proceeded to clown around for an hour; whether it be by singing the lyrics to some his favourite renditions of Hank Williams' songs (yes, with the accent), or insisting that he be able to run around the studio to prepare a prank for this "brother from another mother."

The day was going extremely well; it felt like nothing to steal its thunder...

But when he made it onto the sound stage, there was a disturbance in the force; and all it took was a quick glance at you to figure out what it was.

Instead of the usual cheery smile that graced your exquisite face was a frown that could eerily resemble Loki's. A frown of his own flashed across his features; what was upsetting you?

Making his way towards you, he tried to figure out what it could be.

Maybe it's just one of those days where everything goes wrong? Highly unlikely; you were extremely organised; it took a lot for everything to go wrong for you.

Maybe she received some bad news? There was that one roll you were really looking forward to; maybe you didn't get the part?

All possible scenarios came to an abrupt stop when he reached you.

"Are you alright, Darling? You don't look well."

You shifted to face him, "I'm fine, Tommy." He rolled his eyes. You were the only one that could get away with that ridiculous nickname.

"Stop deflecting with that hideous nickname, Darling. I know something is wrong. Your beautiful smile that could rival Asgard itself hasn't graced me with it's presence today."

You slightly smiled at him, "I promise, I'm fine, Tom."

He huffed, "I may only play the God of Lies, but even I could see that you were fibbing."

You chuckled, your radiant smile almost fully appearing.

"Everything is fine Tom, truly. It's just my-"

"Alright my sugar plums, places!"

Tom frowned. Taika truly had the worst timing possible. He vowed to himself then and there that we was going to get to the bottom of this, that he was certain of.

The next time Tom saw you out of a scene was at the end of the day, when you were both heading towards the hair and makeup trailer.

There you were, leaning against the trailer door, probably complimenting the stylists for the umpteenth time today.

He barely managed to hear your "You both do outstanding work, I hope you know that" compliment, but smiled nonetheless. You truly were amazing.

As he began to walk up behind you to join your conversation, it took him all but a few seconds to figure out what had gotten you into your unhappy mood today.

A small little red patch--of what he was assuming was blood--on the back of your pants. Light bulbs went off in his head when he realised why you were feeling unwell today.

With a frown, he made his way over to you and hugged you from behind; achieving a giggle from you.

"Yes Tommy?"

He kissed your cheek and began whispering in your ear.

"Darling, don't be alarmed but you've leaked through your pants."

He felt you blanche and watched as your face drained of it's colour. You began struggling in his arms, trying to escape.

He continued whispering, "It's alright Darling. I'm going to give you my sweater. It should hopefully cover everything."

A subtle nod was all you offered. With that he began rubbing your arms.

"Darling, you're freezing." He quickly pulled off his sweater, "Please, put it on."

You gave him a watery smile and swiftly put it on. And what do you know, it was just oversized enough to cover everything.

Before he could blink, you had spun around and pulled him into a proper hug. Your hands wrapping tightly around his waist as his arms made their way around your shoulders.

"Thank you, Tommy."

He just smiled, nuzzled his nose into your hair and pulled you closer.

The both of you were too caught up in your own little bubble to see that Jeni and Abigail had their matchmaking smiles on...

A/N I’m so sorry this took so long for me to get out. I kind of neglected writing for the whole of October 😬 

[mifhortunach]

in review - once again! - 2022

below cut :/

i did... Very Little drawing this year ! - which i’m really not happy about, and i’m not sure how that happened tbh. that said, if nothing else, instead of drawing i got ‘a lot’ of printing done!

it was a good year for like. my Actual Practice - i spent a lot of time in the studio, got a piece (that i still like!) into an actual public show, as well as for the first time sold some work!! I also got to finally mess around with a riso machine, as well as someone offered to show me more litho stuff, so im hoping to pursue that much more in the year :) - as well as finally do a bunch of projects i’ve been putting off for ages & dear god, fckn draw more

====

watched a lot of movies though!!!

ltrbxd says i saw like. 115 or smth, but that’s an estimate bc i went to a couple of shorts showings (as well as fell asleep at a couple :’/ ). it’s been cool!! have finally seen a bunch of genre classics, and had like, a seeing thru the matrix moment~ where i could tell a whole bunch of influences that had affected smth i was watching ! id quite like to try to strike a similar balance this year as well; catching up on like. ‘genre staples’ but paired w the weirdest most niche shit i can find - fingers-crossed! (thinking about putting together a little round-up post of some of the ones i saw this year that really stuck around for me, but idk)

=====

Pods!!

usually i think - and by usually i mean like, last year - i’ve got more to say on this front, but a lot of the pods i really enjoyed this year were hold-overs from 2022-

AMCA: i’m someone who while they don’t care about starwars, DOES really like podcasts about it, which is weird & difficult to explain, but this is still so good!! 5 star podcast, 5 star runtime! everyDAY do i wish they could do a special about dune...

The RETURN of toxic podcast!: as before, a podcast only for me really, and the only podcaster that i do have smth approaching a parasocial relationship with - its just been nice to hear from Ale again!! The branch into ltrboxd reviews as been a fun venture too, imo.

FATT/SANGFIELLE: though difficult to believe, that DID happen this year!! Sangfielle is still so so good, and it got me back into both listening to bluff as well as trying so hard to catch up on ptzn, its just really fckn good what else is there to even say! (Met a lot of v cool people through this as well, which has been so cool :) )

Assorted Seán L@TDF podcasts: while he has dropped completely off the face of the internet - though hopefully not the earth - the man DOES still have years of weird (mostly movie) focused podcasting to go back in on, which i do find consistently compelling!! turns out when u practice putting thought into words and then presenting for long enough you do indeed build a skill. His found footage series (Hundreds of Pixelated Dead Bodies) series is great, and introduced me to a lot of stuff, ditto his other series (hundreds of dead bodies). I’m hoping to get through the big, thoughtful series (ALL UNITS) this year, and maybe I’ll get even luckier and he’ll return to the land of podcasting soon.

I’m sure i’ve missed some on this one, but these are the ones that stood out to me this time round, i guess. i’m excited for the new twioat series also, lol.

=====

i did like, almost no reading, or tv watching, though i did start, and plan - and not finish - a good couple of knitting projects. didn’t get out to see many gallery shows either, which isn’t so great - though i DID manage to have a startlingly good year socially ?

made some new friends, had a whole private theme month devoted to the films of al pacino, and got to see two bands/musicians that i really love play live!! Good Ol’ Stevie P w @silverview (<33) && TWRP - both of which were so so great, and made me wish i got out more lol

lots to be done this year, as per, but hopefully it’ll be fine

[lettucedloophole]

cw vague discussion of sexual stuff and Tmi stuff about transition (Transgener) and also just me journalling my feelings

this is gonna sound Crazy but i think porn (and cishet boys making porn noises. do not miss when that was peak humour) made me dysphoric about the way i moan 😭

i get a little distressed worrying about if my reasons for transition are disproportionately sexual or overly related to misogyny, but it would make sense that they would be sexual because Thats the site of Misogyny, and ultimately i do think misogyny caused some of my dysphoria, if not most of it, though i can't say all because i think in a genderless society it would be quite natural to alter your body-- going on hormones or getting surgery would be like getting a piercing or tattoo, but hopefully without the prior distress of the Imposition of Gender and yknow. Patriarchal Discrimination.

i'm pretty certain i would be happy living with the effects of hormones day to day (except balding. will go Livid if that happens tho i mean... i like shaving my head a lot and odd haircuts so it probs wouldnt be a big deal but i want the option of growing it out to remain) but im not sure if i can say the same about bottom surgery. it seems like other trans ppl are so sure 😭 and i mean it's not like it'd be feasible for me to get it for a long time anyway but i might as well think about it in the mean time... i'm kind of ambivalent abt my vagina. but i wonder if i could be happier with something else? but i don't want to Not have a vagina in Case though (i dont think i can do anal. not willing to prep that much 💀)

so i always thought if i would get bottom surgery i'd go for a vaginal-preserving phalloplasty but i saw a pretty good meta result some days ago that's making me reconsider. and then it makes me think like, what do i want a dick for? it seems kind of.. troublesome to have an organ between ur legs. i think i'm focused a lot on ejaculation (oh yeah this post is def getting a cw) but that's not something i can do with a vaginal-preserving phalloplasty, i think. and then there's the question of clit burial and i naturally lean towards not burying it but i think i would prefer to bury it if i was sure .. and idk the complication rate cos if i lose sensation (i'm fine with doing a forearm graft) i would Lose my Mcfucking mind. i think maybe. and it's scary since there's a lot of surgeons out there who just seem to want to hurt trans people. but i'm fat anyway so i would probably not even be accepted for surgery lol 😭

so it's probably never even going to be possible for me. i take comfort in the idea that i can pack and bind and sort of. try b4 u buy. yk 🫡👍 tho im not getting top surg bc i dont wanna and i feel like i have some body acceptance to do in regards to my boobs. im rly ,, ashamed of them bc i have lots of acne scars and other scabs (caused by me. picking at my skin. either scrapes or acne lmao) and i think i would be happy with them and a lot more of my body if i could stop picking at shit and have those scars clear up. its acc so isolating to have this issue so shoutout to the one lady i followed on twt who posted a proud boob pic with some boob scars or acne (or as i call it boob-ne. like back-ne but it doesn't rhyme but it sounds funny) or smth. that made me feel less alone and not ugly 🙏

i have a lot of scars on my shoulders (Prime skin picking real estate) and the center of my chest but i still wear clothes that. show those areas sometimes and i wonder if ppl think im brave. bc i'm not i just try not to think about it after the clothes are on and i'm outside of my room Doin Stuff . same with the cutting scars on my arm but mostly my thighs. no one has ever really brought up my picking or self harm scars save for the first time my dad saw my self harm scars (that was a doozy) and this one time my dad's friend looked at my facial acne and gave me a recommendation for some product (i know she meant well but. girl 🙃) and i am so fucking thankful for ppls silence. like please just let me exist

i saw one of my childhood friends recently and Embarassingly enough i had a Mental Illness moment in front of her and i kind of wanted to, to shatter the illusion that i was the same as i was as a child because i feel so different that it feels like a lie, and i feel like i need to show the real me to people so they can decide to hate me if they want to. but i also kind of didn't want to but it would be difficult for me to cry and then collect myself in public 😭 and she comforted me but didn't make a big deal about it and maybe that helped more. idk i and probably others put a lot of emphasis on mental health but it's kind of nice to feel like... normal.. and move on. my mom kind of smothers me about my mental health and it's something i appreciate technically but maybe not in practice. idk if it's trauma but maybe i just don't appreciate physical comfort as much as i thought i did, or emotional worrying over ppl. it's just confusing bc i thought i desired these things a lot but i think it was just that the complete absence of them from my life affected me negatively, and i wanted Some Amount of it but not like A Lot. it seemed like i wanted a lot because of how much i was yearning for it but i don't think so lol 😭

it kind of follows that pattern of my mom being Too much and my dad being too little (Borderline neglectful but emotionally lmao 😭) so i guess it makes sense why my desires don't align with what i actually want. i suppose i need to Experience more to figure it out.

i also keep having Bisexual Panik that im turning straighter or am going to date a cis guy because i feel like i place a lot of emphasis on my attraction to guys. in my Mind. but i think i just note when i'm attracted to guys more bc im much more often attracted to women . and it would be difficult to keep track of all the attractive women 😭 i worry sometimes that ppl are gonna see this and be like "oh this bihet's gonna end up with a man" but what i worry about even more than that is they might be right.. but i hope not. i dony want date cishet man <3

ive reached the point in my college class now where ive Given up on voluntary reading. technically it's not voluntary but if we're not doing a class activity with it or discussing it in class its voluntary to me lmfao 💀 i struggled quite a bit with my lastest assignment, though i did get it done on time, which makes me worry that I won't be able to handle two classes. i really worry that i'm never going to be mentally stable enough to hack it. i don't think mental health meds can fix that for me as the only ones i have left to try (or the ones my psych thinks i should try, anyway) are antipsychotics and i keep having fucking insurance issues with them and they're charging me a bajillion fucking dollars so at that rate i'm never going to try them lmfao. so then i should maybe try getting tested for adhd again or autism.. but getting dxed with autism would do Nothing and just cost money. but if i did have adhd and needed medication and that made me function better, that would help! but i also worry that i have no observable condition and am just simply unable to exist in the capitalist hellscape climate by virtue of being the me... that would be the worst. but i worry that's what it is lol 😭 ah i should schedule an adhd test before i change my mind

[heptasepta]

trans day of visibility and other thoughts

i have mixed feelings about this because i really dont know if im trans (nb) or not (cis guy). this isnt actually the first time ive questioned my gender, since i presented as a trans woman during 2020-2021 during covid. basically ive kinda liked the idea of being a girl for a while but certain circumstances made me untrans myself.

the first thing was that i was lazy and didnt want to go through the hoops that was mtf transitioning. also the thought of going out in public as a trans girl was scary but at home it was fine. i know this sounds cowardly but i just didnt really want to deal with that kind of crap so i just didnt. the second and arguably the more important one is that i think i falsely attributed the source of my unhappiness with being a cis guy and not the lack of a strong support circle and zero intimacy with people close to me.

while I do have friends, both online and irl (these days i talk more to irl friends) i still feel somewhat empty as well. not to mention the friends i made years ago dont really keep in contact with me. i try to reach out sometimes and we talk about whatevers been going on but after that its not much else. then they move on, only talking to me when i initiate something to them. i know this is also my fault too because i sometimes dont reach out to talk but it actually really sucks when youre too socially anxious both online and irl so any attempt at socializing comes across as desperate or inexperienced (with how to talk online) like genuinely i feel like im still stuck in 2021 despite the covid lockdowns being over years ago. i also never share anything about myself, not to my family, or people online. because of this i dont really know who i am and its been like this for years now.

i have doodles and papers and text documents full of ideas but i never share them because theyre always in a state of incompleteness and i dont want people to see what my work "couldve" looked like rather than what it actually looks like, without any proof that there existed earlier versions that id rather not talk about since i believe it shows a its imperfection which i know is a stupid thing to believe but at this point i dont really know. hopefully someday ill get it out there but for now, no.

also theres the fact that i really want to make stuff again but i havent, which i keep blaming on being in school but i think its just an excuse for me to keep doing this rigorous anime and video game consumption. i made myself basically a schedule for watching anime and playing video games that i follow diligently. the video game schedule isnt as strict but idk i feel like the past 5 years ive done nothing but watch content or whatever and not creating anything. i keep telling myself that once i "catch up" to enough shows/movies/games/whatever but its just an endless cycle at this point, also considering how slow i watch things, usually one episode a day is all i can tolerate so i dont know why i keep doing this. or maybe im lazy/depressed idk???

i dont really know what the future holds, i just hope i can get out of whatever this is.

[starlightkun]

lmao i saw this on my dash and was wondering if you felt this way

https://www.tumblr.com/16woodsequ/727490027584667648?source=share

cause you rarely write drabbles, everything you write is like full fic length and takes longer and i see you posting little progress updates and little notes about each fic without spoiling. as someone who likes to talk (may or may not be the adhd idk) i cant imagine being in your position like WEREWOLF SUNGCHAN! EXISTS! IN MY MIND! AND ON THIS DOCUMENT THAT YOU CANT SEE! BUT HE'S REAL!! HE'S REAL TO ME!! like how do you do it? having no one to scream to about your fics when you're writing? and having to wait until its completed and uploaded to have people to talk about it with? like especially with all the crack fics you're writing atm, i would be BURNING with the need to show people how funny your writing is

p.s. medication update: im going to switch from methylphenidate to dexamphetamine tmr because apparently im intolerant to ritalin and i think you're on dexamphetamine rn? im hoping that i see some benefits from it. btw your success is keeping some of my spirit and motivation up despite how abysmal ritalin was for me so thank you for posting about how Adderall was for you i really appreciate having someone experiencing meds alongside me 🫶🏻

-✨anon

link

LMAO sometimes that's me and sometimes i'm writing and i'm like "im never letting another living human see this abomination im writing rn this is the worst thing i've ever written and the only penance for what i've done is to throw myself off a cliffside" like there is no in between im either SO EXCITED FOR IT AND ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT AND AM SO AKSEGKJHKJGKTR or i think it's awful and consider deleting it almost immediately after like this scene for changer2 im writing rn like literally as i got this ask (im not gonna delete it but she is gonna b HEAVILY EDITED)

it's fr so hard having werewolf sungchan AND hockey player sungchan BOTH IN MY MIND RN LIKE 🤪 screams everyday i put on my uniform to go fight in the idgaf war on the side of gaf 🫡🫡🤪🤪🫡🤪🫡🤪🤪🤣🤣🫡🤪🤪🫡 lest we also not forget that single dad kun is in here too and some other fellas that yall dont know abt like its soooooo bad in here for me

sometimes i contemplate posting random one-liners or snippets when i write things that make me teehee extra hard or r like rlly 🔥🔥🚨🚨🚨 but i always get worried about spoilers versus teasers soooo i keep it locked away all to myself and maybe go a lil crazy idk who's to say so i do more vague type stuff like talking about how there's a 2.6k makeout scene without posting any actual lines from it, or saying that one of my favorite character bits that i think is genuinely super funny is in dr. magic but not saying what it is, etc., etc., OR also doing ask games like word in a wip where y'all can try to get some lil snippets from me (which i feel i am always very generous with lol)

p.s. to ur p.s.: very happy to hear that you're getting switched off the meds that weren't working for you! i'm on "amphetamine salts" (generic adderall) which is a combo of dextroamphetamine and levoamphetamine, but pretty much yeah it's the big one in the amphetamine class of adhd meds. it has a sightly different effect than dextroamphetamine alone since it has levoamphetamine as well, which lasts longer and can produce better results in some people (pls go w ur dr on this im not giving medical advice omg just what i learned in my psych classes and the information i've been given). i actually just saw my dr today to check in on how i was doing on the adderall (reg check-up appt). i was rlly worried bc the initial good results i saw in the first days were practically gone after like the first week and i was practically back to normal (i.e., bad. my kitchen is a fucking mess again) and when i told him that he was like "lol that's fine! that was just the trial dose! so we can up you to a normal dose now since you saw good results at first" so hopefully i'll be functioning again 👍 so i love this for us 🫶 rooting for us 🫶🫶

[sitpwgs]

Hi! Ya I was curious about the extra bonus track..but some people said it might just be a remix so I wasn't too sure about it. I like the color though and how it also matches one of her 1989 outfits on tour like people were saying. But I kinda wonder why she is doing so much for 1989..similar to Midnights with the extra bonus track and different covers..but I think she just wants it to be really successful over the original version. I may buy one for the car eventually but it also won't have the bonus song so idk. I loved her VMAS look and after-party look..and how she wore a dress similar to Sabrina's and hung out with Selena! I love that they're still close.

Ooh that concert should be fun and I'm happy you got tickets! Hopefully she works on stage presence too. The whole album has grown on me more..especially Get him back, but i have the same favorites. Ooh yes I am hoping to listen to Laufey, Mitski and Madison Beer soon. They all kinda have a slow style and almost old fashioned sound which I like. I would say it was true for Billie's other album as well if you listen to it. But Olivia's was actually more rockish lol...so I really just like it all.

I never saw Ride the Cyclone but have heard good things about it. I guess I'm not as familiar with some off Broadway stuff for the most part but that's cool. I hope we can both like Broadway again soon. But I see you watched the Little Mermaid movie and so did I! It's nice thinking we both did the same thing near each other like with the Eras tour..and hopefully with seeing the tour movie too. Anyway I thought it was mostly fine..but also good. But I mostly enjoy all the remakes..cuz I already know what I'm getting so I can't be too disappointed. But anyway..ya new songs sometimes always feel unnecessary anyway. I knew it was Lin beforehand but also you can always kinda hear Lin's style too so it's interesting you didn't know. But it was more obvious in Encanto than here. I'm still a fan of his though! But I will watch any musical movie and at least somewhat enjoy it lol. I am also using it as an opportunity to watch the Cinderella with Brandy and Bernadette Peters finally..and hoping to watch the new Theater Camp movie that's now on Hulu. I'm also looking forward to seeing her in the Color Purple movie when it comes out, since I thought she was a pretty good Ariel. What were your thoughts? I get the idea that ya it doesn't really need to be remade cuz we have stage versions too so sometimes it's just kinda okay..I think they're all pretty equal to me.

I'm glad you're feeling better! I wasn't feeling as well either which is why I didn't reply right away. But I've also more offline and trying to read more too. I will hopefully be done with Some Mistakes Were Made by the end of this week..maybe. since I am now trying to read more books in the readathon and focus on that. I will probably put The Night Circus in cozy fantasy then, and finishing up picking for the other categories. I don't really listen to audiobooks cuz I get too distracted or can't focus on it. It would have to be a good one too..a lot of the ones I'm familiar with is just like reading out loud so I don't usually listen to them..but i could see how it might make you enjoy the book more if the audio was good. I'm glad you are reading more books you enjoy and getting more done for the readathon. I will definitely look into any book you love or recommend! Have a good week!

hi hello!! i'm definitely curious to see what she ends up doing in terms of remixes for 1989 tv! and i've seen some theories about her alternating between not a lot of promo and then a lot of promo, which is cool — and would make sense with rep being an album with not a lot of promo which means (in my delusional brain) that debut would have a lotttt of promo !! i do not think that's true, but i would love it if debut finally got paid its dues. unfortunately, the different covers is just the norm now; i think sour & guts both had ~ 15/16 variants, most artists have at least 3 but a lot of them usually have more, it's just a marketing/sales thing, unfortunately. and yes!! i think it's so cute how close they are <3

i listened to the new laufey last week but haven't had time to relisten and so i do not have favorites for you yet! i've actually never listened to madison beer, but tiktok keeps pushing her on me so i might give her album a go soon! and the new mitski — i am just very behind on music lately (been listening to audiobooks instead) but i am very excited to give the new mitski a go! one of my best friends got to go to an early listening party in a planetarium for the new mitski, and that experience sounded SO cool. guts has definitely grown on me a lot more; i think i like it more than sour, but that might be recency bias.

i saw ride the cyclone twice in seattle, and it is just such a weird little musical that i love with my entire heart! i love odd little shows that just make me think, and ride the cyclone definitely is one of those shows. i'm seeing the national tour of hadestown in a few weeks which i'm super excited for; i've seen it on broadway twice, but missed the tour last year when they were in seattle (got into seattle and then found out they cancelled my performance twenty minutes before doors opened). and i just got tickets to go see a regional performance of the band's visit when i'm in boston this fall, so i'm super stoked! i hope you're also able to love broadway again soon 🤍

and yes!! i love that! 🥺 i think i was a little disappointed by the remake? i don't usually like remakes though (aside from live action cinderella). i really loved halle bailey as ariel, but was a bit let down by jonah h-k as eric (and sent my friend caitlyn several voice memos about how his eric reminds me of how he plays laurie in PBS little women) vocally but also just wasn't the biggest fan of his characterization/interpretation! i think the remake also just didn't do a whole lot for me, which is fine! the pacing felt very drawn out, i wish the costumes were a bit brighter in color, and i think some of the casting was interesting, but i really loved daveed diggs as sebastian! i haven't actually wanted encanto but i keep meaning to!

i'm SO excited for theatre camp! i think i'm watching it on friday with a friend; i love molly gordon, and will watch anything for her haha. the color purple remake looks so good, i saw a trailer of it when i watched barbie and it looks amazing!! in general though, i really have mixed feelings because i don't think everything needs to be a remake — i think some things work better as proshots vs. remakes, and sometimes i just get sad because there are perfectly good actors who can sing well that we can cast in musicals and a lot of remakes/movie musicals don't do that (this isn't about any cast/movie in particular, just an overarching generalization).

i hope you're feeling better!! i feel like everyone is getting sick/ill lately :( take care of yourself, friend! i haven't really been doing the readathon as much as i want to either — jamie and i were briefly talking about doing an october / nov / dec one instead (i have some prompt ideas, might just post them to encourage the besties to read more if people are interested)! do you have anything fun planned for this weekend? what are you currently reading/watching/listening? 🤍

[renewingagain]

friday 17 march 2023 // 6:16pm

been a while again,

i am doing ok. most of my days are fine but there are the odd few where i have a wobble- sometimes it makes me think im starting to really struggle with depression again but i tend to come out of the funk so maybe things are fine

i BLOODY hate my job, its so ridiculous and the targets are stupidly unrealistic. i honestly would not care if i got let go cus its just dumb. but they need CWs so idk whats up w that

hate that i have to go in every day as well, im honestly exhausted quite a lot from it but im trying to stay grateful for having a job. sometimes its just a lot when ur tired all the time tho and dont feel like u have much time to do other things with your life

at the same time tho do i need to manage my time better ? maybe i do, maybe i should focus on sleeping earlier / waking up earlier and not spending time on my phone and devices etc. I say this a lot and evidently dont do it so i need to fix up in that area

london sounds good but i cant really move there until i have paid off my debts like my credit card. that may take a while but hopefully getting into gigging again will provide some extra income. i need to not stress about money too much, it comes and goes 

either way i look at it im gonna be ok. i can either move to london in summer if all works out, or i will move to brum at the end of the year and just work part time or something and study until im starting in tech

it will all work out i just need to look ahead and think bigger picture

otherwise im p grateful for what i have. i have good friends, a job at least n a roof over my head. i have control over how i nourish my body and look after myself (to an extent) 

God please help me to stay grateful

also … i went two months alcohol free !!!!!! It made me realise that i dont actually enjoy drinking as much as i used to, now that im drinking again. Its teaching me not to over do it and be so hungover in the morning. i must avoid red wine as it gives me the worst hangovers omd

peace

[milascenta]

16th June

I'm glad I haven't missed your birthday, I couldn't remember the day but I never forget the month. Where HAS the time gone haha, I can't believe its been like 5 years since we met feels almost like yesterday.

I am so so dreadfully sorry N. I'm so sorry. I know there isn't a word on earth that could take it away and I can't imagine what you're thinking. Well maybe a little bit. I'm glad he got back to you, and I'm so glad you get to be near him, that is such a relief even if its not for the best reason. You have every right to feel whatever you feel, for whatever length they take. I wish I could be there with you so you don't have to feel them alone, but you aren't alone. You're with him and he needs that, and you need that. He really really loves you, to hear how he treats you and how much he cares is so good to hear. It must be so hard to have to do all of that for him, to set his affairs in order and get things ready, I'm so sorry. You are so strong, and so caring to do it, and without really hesitating is something not many people could do too. I'm so glad you got to see old friends too, I understand feeling guilty about it, but you need to take of yourself too, you hear me, its ok to take time for yourself. While reading that part of your post, its almost as if your father and I thought the same thing. I'm glad you got to take lots of pictures to show him and how much he's talked about you to everyone made me smile so much. Being so close to him will help so much I know it. Thats so awesome your best friends mum helped, she's a real trooper, that drive sounds insane to have to do even with someone helping, I can't imagine it alone. I'm really sorry about your mother, I won't press it of course, I understand. Just know I'm on your side and she has no right acting like that.

I know its hard hearing how great you are but it is the truth, and the more people know the better. But yeah I get you, always feels awkward, but I'm glad its a good place he's at, and the people around him are kind. I get you, he wants you to have absolutely no doubt in your mind how much you mean to him, and how he's proud of you. It will be ok, it won't but it will be, you know. Time does have its ways of surprising us. I know its all hard, I know all too well, sometimes you just want to break, sometimes you just want to let it all out, sometimes you think you're not strong at all and that you're constantly one small snap away from a complete shatter. But we surprise ourselves, we constantly do. You are strong enough for this, you are strong enough. And you do show him how much you care, there is no try here, you do. Everyday you're with him, every word you share, every second in his presence you show that to him. The shadowbox is absolutely beautiful, it looks so fucking cool and badass I can't get over it haha. Its so creative and so well, its so you as well. I thought I recognised the symbol.

Your new hair looks so beautiful. It looks so good on you and I of course love the colour on you too. I loove the tattoo too, it looks so good on you arm and flows so well. Definitely a fine addition to your others. I really need more now haha. I'll be streaming on Sunday, have a final gig of June on Saturday so then I'll be freee, I'll be streaming on, e10squid. You'll be able to hear me then. Its gonna be weird at first, just playing games at the start but I have plans to do more interaction stuff and hopefully more irl stuff too, just want to build a lil community, we'll see.

I might hold off on doing anything with the band, we have been writing some new songs, but idk its the whole thing, if that makes sense, just feels a little stale (and if I'm honest I'm kinda getting fed up with introducing myself to the same people because they keep forgetting me as the bassist but at the same time I don't really like people so I don't really make too big of an effort to be rememberable if that makes sense, but thats because its not really the scene in which I'd like the be remembered if that makes sense, but yeah haha) We are getting some bigger gigs in different places so we'll see.

You never have to worry about writing for too long, I always like reading through it all multiple times. I'm glad you're safe. I wish I could hold you too, even for lil bit. Recharge you. Oh you could totally do that with Chonky she loves it, but she does sometimes give a false sense of security with it so its a 50/50 haha.

City and Colour is one of my all time favourite bands, I'm going to get some lyrics of his tattooed one day. And thank you for the song, its beautiful. You're giving me more and more to listen to and I love that. I'm happy its starting to warm up more for you, hopefully it feels good.

I hope this post isn't too babbly, I just wanted it to be unfiltered and just like I'm talking to you, I don't want it to seem like I'm editting myself or anything. I look forward to hearing from you again, N. Please take care and know you can come to me.

"Trying so hard to release You out of the misery Hold on to your wishes If you can't hold on to me"