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yuthoe · 4 years ago

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Time (MONSTA X: Chae Hyungwon)

a few things:

1. yes i'm a monbebe now too and i fully blame fatal love era hyungwon for it. he has my multistan ass whipped

2. THIS IS THE LONGEST FIC I'VE EVER WRITTEN FOR THIS BLOG HOLY GAWD

3. i'm back to going to the office everyday for work, so we're back to infrequent posting lmao

ok so. i've wanted to write a vampire fic for so long now (the previous/first one i wrote was back in 1st year high school and despite my massive vampire kink i didn't attempt to make any other vamp related stories haha), and when i saw hyungwon in that red suit with the long hair and the eyebags and the turtleneck i just kinda went feral. this thing took me like, almost a month to write; it's been hard to cook up writing brain juice between work and trying to be healthy and keeping up with the pan de manila.

i fully intended for this to be like, sexy suggestive and leading to something more for the ending, but like. it turned out soft. somehow. the premise was perfect, but somehow my brain was like, "no make it soft" and we have whatever this is.

this is unedited bc i wrote it half-asleep and wanted to get it out there

PAIRING: Chae Hyungwon x reader. GENRE: vampire!AU, some fluff, modern fantasy. WARNINGS: vampire-typical injuries—biting, blood—some very mild sexual themes. WORD COUNT: 3,589 (holy shit).

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The entryway is lit by the two dim overhead lights, casting an orange tint to the concrete floor. You take care to slip your shoes on quietly, not wanting to accidentally wake the slumbering man in the other room; he just got home a few hours ago and you didn’t want to cut his sleep short, remembering how he slowly slipped under the covers with you, winding an arm around your midsection and releasing a heavy breath before passing out.

So with a glance at your watch—the one he got you for your birthday a few years back, the one you’ve worn almost everywhere since—you grab your work bag and try to slip off the chain lock with as little sound as possible.

“Are you leaving for work?”

You flinch at his voice, huskier now with remnants of sleep. Hyungwon has a thing about soundlessly walking into places and surprising you by suddenly speaking. Your face scrunches at your failed attempt to slip out unnoticed, and a loud sigh escapes your lips as you turn to face him.

“How long have you been awake?” you ask, stepping right to the elevated wooden floor that separates the entryway to the living area. Hyungwon is wearing a white shirt that completely swallows his slender frame and loose pajama pants. You cup his soft cheek, drag your hand to his neck, his shoulder, down his arm, until you’re intertwining your fingers.

“Pretty much since you left the bed,” he mumbles, taking his other hand and wrapping it around you, pulling you to his chest. You feel him rest his face on the top of your head and breathe in your scent.

“Aw,” you reply quietly, smoothing a hand down his back. “And I thought I was being super quiet this time.”

There’s comfortable silence as Hyungwon basks in your warmth and you can swear he’s close to falling asleep where he stands. You think there’s no other place you’d want to be right now, but unfortunately, you need to work and he needs to sleep.

You let go of the strap on your bag and tap his side gently. “I have to go,” you murmur.

Hyungwon groans, lowers his head and tilts it to the side to whisper directly into your ear. “Do you really have to? Because there’s something more important you need to do here.” He noses at your temple, his cold breath fanning against your ear.

“Oh? And what is that?” It’s too early in the day for goosebumps, and the faster you force him back to bed, the better your chances of resisting the sweet pull of his voice.

“Mmm…,” he groans again, and you feel his smile as he kisses your ear. “Sleep.”

You snort, pulling away with a soft smile, free hand coming to cup his face. You pass your thumb over his cheekbone and watch as he melts at your touch, dark bangs falling over his closed eyes. “I’ll be home early today, love,” you say, pressing a soft kiss to his plump lips.

Hyungwon’s eyes open unhurried, and he leans down to return the peck, lips moving slow against yours like honey. “Hurry back,” he mumbles against your lips.

***

A quiet sigh leaves his lips as Hyungwon toes off his shoes, leaving them at their designated space at the entrance. He hangs his bag and coat on the hooks before silently walking through the apartment to the bathroom, eager to scrub himself clean of the aggravating scents and grime of the club.

Hyungwon loves his job, he does. The people he interacts with there, though? Still up for debate.

The hot, almost scalding water seeps into his skin, warming him up from the outside. He’s used to the cold, he himself being below the normal human temperature for nearly a century now. The droplets sting a little, but it’s the pain that grounds Hyungwon to reality, a sort of proof of life in his years of floating along the endless river of time, never knowing when and where his journey would end.

There’s another pain, a burning in his throat, that reminds him well of his immortality. It assaults him every few days, and over the years has dulled from hurting so bad he nearly claws out his neck, to just being a pain in the ass that makes him cough if he doesn’t slake the thirst.

Hyungwon’s body cools rapidly when he shuts off the water, the soft April chill helping it along so that he’s mostly dry when he grabs his towel.

The bedroom is silent when he slips in, quickly dressing in the huge shirt and loose pants from yesterday, before he ducks out again to make a beeline to the kitchen, folding his tall frame into a crouch as he opens the refrigerator. There’s a space just for his blood bags in the far corner of the fridge, that he immediately scans and finds empty. Hyungwon groans and slaps a hand over his face.

Of course he forgets to stop by the blood bank tonight. He vaguely remembers taking the last bag four days ago and making a mental note to call Kihyun for his refills, but there must have been something that distracted him at the time because at present, he can’t recall contacting Kihyun about it at all, despite exchanging messages regularly.

He stands to his full height as he closes the door, leans his head against it as he mulls over his forgetfulness that never went away in all his years of living. And before he slips back into your bedroom and into the sweet realm of sleep, he rummages in his bag for his phone, texts his friend, gets a short scolding about his poor memory, and then sets a date to pick up his food.

Hyungwon quietly pads back to the bedroom and closes the door soundlessly, careful not to wake you. He slides in next to you, pulling the comforter snug against him as he rests on his elbows. He takes a few seconds to gaze at your sleeping figure, something he does every night. The random thought of coming off as creepy on the off chance you wake up runs through his head, but at the same time he thinks he wouldn’t mind if you catch him watching you sleep.

You know Hyungwon loves you, and he’s told you before that you’re one of his anchors to his hold on humanity. Never once in your two-year relationship did you take his vulnerability for granted, and he’s (quite literally) eternally grateful for your kindness and love.

He settles in on his side, and his shuffling has got you adjusting to his shape under the covers. Hyungwon feels you turn to face him and reach for his arm. You groan small, pull at his slender limb to wrap it around you, and he just lets you move him the way you want, an amused smile on his face. His other arm slides beneath your neck, and you nuzzle closer to him, breathing deep when you’re finally satisfied. He counts five seconds before your breaths even out in slumber.

Hyungwon presses a kiss to the crown of your head and inhales your scent, relaxed now and ready to follow you into sleep.

***

His alarm wakes him at noon, the shrill tone making him jerk and tighten his arm around the warm body in front of him, brows scrunching as he groans softly. Hyungwon stretches an arm towards the nightstand and turns off the alarm with an expert swipe of a finger. He buries his nose into your hair, not wanting to enter the land of the living yet. You respond with a hum, shifting and turning so your back is pressed against his chest.

You both try to doze off again before Hyungwon realizes two things:

One—It’s a Friday.

Two—You’re still in his arms.

“Love,” he mumbles against your hair.

You reply around five seconds later, with a simple grunt.

Hyungwon snorts a laugh, eyes still closed, but mind slowly waking with every passing second. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

Another grunt from you, this time louder and longer. You shuffle under the sheets to turn to him again, eyes persistently closed and brows knit slightly. “Took the day off,” you mumble and slither your arm under his, scooting closer to bury your face in his neck. “Wanted to spend some time with you.”

At this Hyungwon smiles, rests his cheek on your head. “So we have until tomorrow night to do whatever then.”

It’s quiet for a few moments before your head shoots up. The movement startles Hyungwon and makes his eyes pop open. Bleary eyes meet, yours equal parts confused and suspicious. “What do you mean? You took the night off, too? But it’s Friday—the club’s gonna be packed.”

He levels you with a casual shrug. “Yeah,” he says, sliding his hand up your arm that’s around him, and stopping at your neck. His large hand completely covers your neck, long fingers splaying onto your cheek and winding into your hair. “I wanted to spend time with you, too.” He clears his throat. “I’ve missed you.” Hyungwon can feel the steady pulse under your skin and he clears his throat again.

You smile, lean down to press a sweet kiss to his lips.

And another one.

And another.

And you would have rained more kisses on him had he not started coughing and turned his head away. The ache in Hyungwon’s throat wasn’t that bad when he was asleep, but now that he’s awake, it’s irritating to the point of annoyance. He knows the thirst is his fault, but damn, would it kill him if he could have a peaceful morning (noon) with you before his body complains about being hungry?

He feels a hand smoothing down his back as the coughing goes down. He takes shaky breaths as he sits up and leans on the headboard. After a big exhale from him, you say, “Are you okay?”

Hyungwon looks at you and smiles tightly. “I’m fine. Just a bit hungry.” He sits up, only to scoot closer to you and wind an arm around your back. He rests his forehead on your shoulder as he talks, voice low and scratchy. “Ran out of my supply and I forgot to call Kihyun about it, and it’s been a few days since I had a drink. And it’ll be a couple more days before I can stop by the blood bank for my refills.” A cough.

Your arms are around his wiry frame, fingers running up and down his spine and making him drowsy. He’s still tired and sleepy, but the thirst is keeping him awake.

“Do you want a drink?” you ask quietly. “From me?”

Hyungwon stills, a shiver running down his spine. It’s not all the time he gets to drink from you; in fact, he makes it a point to not do it because he doesn’t want to scare you off. You’ve been living together for six months, known each other for years before that, but he still worries, silently waiting for the day you decide that being with a vampire isn’t worth it after all.

“No, it’s fine,” he says. “I’m fine.” He pushes down the cough building in his throat.

You card your fingers through his long hair. “I know you try not to, but I’m okay with it. You sound like you’re really hurting.” You rest your head against his. “We’ve done it before, and it didn’t really hurt. And I trust you, Hyungwon.”

Hyungwon is tired. Is sleepy. The thirst isn’t all that bad, but the coughing is aggravating his already dry throat. He hasn’t gotten a sip of blood in five days and nothing else could quench this particular thirst quite as well.

A small cough. “Are you sure?”

Your head is still resting on his and he feels you nod. “Yeah. Besides, I…” You clear your throat before speaking. “I like it when you drink from me.”

The vampire freezes, not quite knowing what to do with this newly revealed information. He’s not sure if what he feels right now is mild lust or genuine surprise. In the (very) rare times he drinks from you he thought he saw a twinkle of anticipation in your eyes, like you’ve been craving it, too. He thinks maybe his view of himself is clouding whatever opinion you have of him, bad and good alike.

Hyungwon’s lips purse, trying to keep himself from laughing because he can tell you’re serious about this, just as worried about him as you are excited about the prospect of being bitten; it’s still a bit unbelievable. He finally raises his head and looks square at you.

“You’re really okay with this?” he asks again. “You really want me to drink from you?” He crosses his legs under the blankets and pulls you with the arm still around your back.

Sometimes you forget Hyungwon is so strong—he doesn’t make his strength known to you, unless you both need it a little rough in bed. Now, he practically lifts you onto his lap, emboldened by your declaration. You straddle him, sitting snugly with both his arms around you; your hands naturally find themselves on his broad shoulders.

“Mhm,” you simply say, nodding your head. Adrenaline is running through your veins, and you’re sure Hyungwon can clearly hear how loud and fast your heart is beating right now.

It also seems like he can read your mind because he takes one of his hands and rests it softly against your chest, right over your heart.

You see him swallow. “Your heart is beating so fast,” he says, dragging his hand up to your neck, fingers soft on your skin, and you shiver. “Your pulse is racing.” Hyungwon is looking at you like you’re a meal he can’t wait to devour. “You’re really excited about this, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” you say, even though you don’t really know if what you’re feeling is excitement or embarrassment or lust of fear. You can’t recall any of the previous times he fed from you being this tense—it was always out of desperation and pain that he reached out to you for this, and despite this moment being along the same lines, it’s… very different.

The loose collar of your sweater—one of his you pilfered long ago—is pulled to the side, and you shiver again as his fingertip brushes against your skin. Goosebumps raise on your arms as Hyungwon trails that single finger over your collarbone, up your neck again, to cup your chin and pull you in for a kiss.

His lips are gentle, but you can feel he’s holding back, trying to take it slow in case you change your mind. When you respond and bite his lip, he growls and pulls you by the back of the head to kiss you deeper. The arm around your back tightens, and you feel his fingers tangle in your hair as he angles your head the way he wants.

Tiny moans spill from your lips as Hyungwon’s tongue explores your mouth. When he pulls away, your sight is flooded with his red irises, gold specks swimming in the pool of his eyes that almost glow in the dark room. So chillingly beautiful.

You’re breathing hard, unable to look away from Hyungwon’s captivating gaze. A thought passes through: No wonder humans just fall at their feet—who could look away from such a mesmerizing sight?

“Last chance,” he mutters, wetting his plump bottom lip, his scarlet eyes fixed on your neck. “You really want this?”

You card your fingers through his head and tilt his face up, dropping a kiss to his closed eyes, his nose, his pretty lips. You cup his cheek and give him a small smile. “Do it.”

Hyungwon takes a deep breath and kisses your cheek, trails his lips to nip your earlobe, and then lower… He goes slow, building up your anticipation, getting your heart rate up with every kiss and nip and suck.

He laves his tongue over a spot on your neck, and you let out a sigh, relaxing in Hyungwon’s firm hold. The hand still tangled in your hair guides you, tilting your head to the side. He noses at your neck and gives you a final soft kiss, before he draws his fangs and punctures your jugular.

You squeak in pain; the bite stings, but it goes away as fast as it came. You feel Hyungwon draw back his fangs and begin to suck, dragging his tongue over the wounds, and groaning low in his throat at the sweet taste of you.

It occurs to him how much he misses feeding from you. Because of the rarity of these occasions, your blood becomes a treat to him, a sort of delicacy that he deliberately denies himself of. It didn’t take him too long after that first taste of you long ago, to realize that your blood is dangerously addicting.

Hyungwon focuses on drinking your blood, drinking in the small moans you make as he marks your soft skin. He feels your restless hands clawing at his back, the other winding through his long hair—pulling him close or pushing him away, you don’t know.

Your senses are heightened and dulled; you’re acutely aware of every miniscule movement of Hyungwon’s lips on your neck, but the rest of your body feels like it’s floating. He groans against your skin and the vibrations send a jolt of lightning up your spine and you whimper.

Hyungwon immediately pulls back, worried he hurt you. His mouth is stained red. “Are you okay?”

You’re nodding before he finishes, cupping his cheek with a hand. “I’m fine, Hyungwon.” You give him a small smile as he melts into your hand, one of his coming up to keep it there. “Did you want more?”

He shakes his head. “I’m feeling better now. Thank you, love.” He exhales, and you think he does look better than earlier—his skin is brighter, the bags under his eyes are gone, and he’s even breathing more easily. “Let me go clean you up,” he says, and lifts you gently off him, setting you down on the soft comforter just in front of him. He pats your knee before getting up and padding to the bathroom.

You gaze at him as he leaves, the sight of his model-like figure waddling like a penguin amusing. Hyungwon stops at the door and turns to you, smiling at you softly.

He returns a minute later, warm damp washcloth in hand, mouth clean and eyes a lovely brown. He sits at the edge of the bed and cleans your neck with gentle swipes. The bleeding has stopped and the wound is closed, but the surrounding skin is blooming with black and purple bruises. Hyungwon clicks his tongue. “I’m sorry, love. The bite’s gonna leave a mark.”

You carefully tap the wounds, smoothing fingertips over the raised marks. They sting a bit, but it feels more like the soreness after getting a vaccine shot than anything. “It’s okay, love. They’ll heal over the weekend.” You catch his lips in a soft kiss. “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

He sets the bloody rag on the nightstand and moves closer to you, kissing you back, cradling your neck for support as he coaxes you to lie on the bed. You smile through the kiss, giggle as you wind your arms around his neck.

“Thank you,” he mumbles against your lips. “You looked so beautiful earlier… Thank you for letting me do that.”

You hum. “Anytime, you need, babe. I enjoyed it.”

Hyungwon is propped above you, a thigh slotted between yours. Lazy, slow kisses against the soft sheets seems like the perfect activity for the rest of the day. But you have other plans.

“I gotta admit, though,” you said, brushing his long bangs from his eyes. “That was… kinda hot.” You try to fight a smile, embarrassed at the admission, despite the compromising position you were in just minutes before.

Hyungwon chuckles, ducks his head to press a soft kiss to the puncture marks, the underside of your jaw, your earlobe. “I didn’t expect you to be so into it,” he whispers, his baritone voice seeping into your bones and making you shudder.

You laugh loud at that. “Well, my boyfriend is a hot vampire, what did you think was gonna happen?”

Hyungwon laughs with you, rests his forehead on yours and kisses you again. He buries his face into your neck, the unmarked side, and snakes his arms around your back and rolls you to your sides.

Fingers trace mindless shapes on his back, play with his long hair that’s tangled from your restless hands earlier, relax in the quiet of the afternoon. Your heads are at the foot of the bed, legs tangled together. From the top of Hyungwon’s head, you can just barely see the sun peeking through a slit between the dark curtains, but all you want to do is sleep.

You’re close to dozing off when Hyungwon suddenly speaks. Three words. Your favorite.

“I love you.” He squeezes you slightly and breathes in your scent.

You smile and reply, “I love you, too.”

The world outside your window keeps turning; the weather looks nice today. But you’re not stepping out, not when your whole world is right here, snuggled in your arms.

#kdiarynet #monsta x #monsta x hyungwon #chae hyungwon #monsta x hyungwon scenario #hyungwon scenario #hyungwon scenarios #hyugnwon imagine #fic: mine #fic: hyungwon #fic: not spicy #but it's mildly #monsta x smut #just putting that tag there just in caseee #BABY IS FINALLY DONE #i hope yall like it

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ivyglow · 5 years ago

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Thinking ‘bout you | Mat Barzal NYI

A/n: Hey, guys! This request was from the song prompt list that @with-the-words-all-wrong tagged me, you can check it on her profile <3. I’m sorry I took too long, but I decided to write a whole ass piece and here it is (and guess what? I hated it lmao).

- Btw if someone wants to proof read my pieces it would be great, just dm me if you’re interested!

Word count: 3.3k

Requested prompt: 10 “Can I see you again and not feel bad about it” & 13 “I liked when you cared about me too”

Summary: Y/n and Mat met through mutual friends and it’s not long before they start hooking up. She’s has a wild spirit, he’s looking for someone to settle down. Is it possible to meet the right person at the wrong time?

Flashbacks in Italic!

Things started slowly but surely people knew it was coming. Since the first time y/n was introduced to Mat’s circle of friends, everyone noticed the way his eyes sparkled with interest and the way she seemed to reciprocate it. They were both young, reckless and any slight chance of love or affection sounded good to Barzal at that time. He was living on his own, and sure most of his time was at practice or out with his friends, but the home-alone time made him think about some things such as settling or at least going for something more serious than the eventual hookups that he would have.

Y/n was funny and beautiful. God, was she beautiful.

The first thing he noticed about her was the eyes. On that low lighted bar, her eyes were glowing green in contrast with her skin. She was wearing jeans and sneakers, outstanding everyone. She was so simple, and maybe that was the thing that drew him towards her. The feeling of not caring about what people would think, not being open to doing everything as expected but doing it as you wanted to.

And maybe, just maybe, it was this exact feeling that made y/n choose Mathew.

Everyone in her family was expecting her to get into a serious relationship as soon as she landed in New York, but as her friend, Kayla would say “New York it’s not the place to find a lover”, and she was well aware of being on the age of glory. Her early twenties and the freedom of living on her own, paying her own bills something she dreamed of since she turned fourteen.

She wanted to have fun and Mathew Barzal was definitely a funny guy.

They went to many friends’ meetings before finally taking a step on the obvious sexual tension. That did not mean it was time enough to become best friends, it was time enough to become mutuals. He knew some things about her and she knew some about him. He knew, for example, that she hated when people tried to make decisions for her, she liked independence in every way and damn was y/n mad when their friends tried to pair her with Mat before she could make her mind about it.

The thing she knew about him was that he liked her and she knew it because he was an obvious guy or at least he was obvious when it came to her. Not in the sweet romantic way, but in a cute and affectionate way.

Or at least that’s what she tried to remember while things started to escalate quickly with movie nights and nights in, or morning sex. They were getting attached, but it wasn’t what y/n planned at all and she knew she had a short amount of time before she would get attached herself.

It was a Friday night, she had an average day at work and the guys were celebrating friendship, just the possibility of having their small and closed group whenever they needed. These kinds of celebrations started with Kayla, she was the one always wondering and getting the best of life, pulling her focus towards the small details of life that usually made it better. Her biggest fear was to die without enjoying life, y/n was always down for her ideas and shared a fear that looked a lot like Kayla’s.

They were chilling in Tito’s balcony, drinks in hand, enjoying the feeling of the cold New York air hitting their faces and the noises of the city that never sleeps being drowned by the many floors below. Kayla was telling one of her stories while Mat, Joe, Katy, and Isabela listened carefully. Tito was sitting by them but seemed lost on his own little world, the reason why y/n would sometimes call him ‘dreamy boy’. A random song was playing low on the speakers, but everyone heard when y/n finally arrived.

“Why you always late?” Joe asked before swinging the rest of his beer in a long sip.

“I’m never late…” she faked confusion before going for the wine bottle. “You guys just always early.”

Mat chuckled and Kayla rolled her eyes slightly, he liked her so much he even found her shitty jokes funny. Or maybe it was just Mathew, he usually was the first one to laugh, anything was fun to him, almost like he didn’t curse or lost his mind every 5 minutes on the ice.

“That one is old, y/n” Tito finally left his dreamy thoughts and provoked his friend. He loved to joke around with y/n, it was like she had an answer for everything and she also happened to be a great listener whenever he needed a sincere opinion that wasn’t from Barzal.

“You’re getting old too and I’m not saying that in your face...and Mathew laughed, I would say my jokes are aging well” y/n walked over greeting everyone properly. Barzal was the last one and kiss she left too close to his mouth wasn’t unnoticed by Anthony.

“Wanna sit with me?” He asked still holding her by the hand. All the available surfaces to sit already occupied.

“You mean to say ‘sit on you’?!”

Isabela that was sitting closer to Mat laughed out loud, “You guys are so obvious…”

“Are you drunk?” y/n replied back trying to sound nonchalant and sitting on Mat’s tights.

His hands found its way on her waist and she was a bit impressed at how comfortable it felt to be that close. He was wearing his cargo pants and a grey sweatshirt, hair an aesthetic mess at the top of his head and lips glowing from his beer.

It was short before Kayla went back to her story and y/n start sipping her wine.

Mat’s hand would travel up and down her waistline under the soft blouse she was wearing and eventually her left hand found his neck hair. It seemed natural, almost as if the exchange of physical affection were something they did every day, and considering their friends were not chirping or making a huge deal out of the situation it seemed even more common.

“Are you driving home?” y/n asked when Mat finished his second beer bottle and she was still on her first wine glass.

He turned to look at her, a slightly confused and curious frown on his face.

“You’re drinking...I know you handle your alcohol just fine, but drink and drive it’s no good” she explains being more detailed than usual.

Barzal chuckles before pressing a kiss in her cheekbone, “You look cute when you’re worried.”

“It’s not-” she starts but the look on his face says it all, he already knew. He had her figured out so easily sometimes it was scary. “I just wanna sleep in peace knowing all my friends are fine… I care about you.”

“You wouldn’t have this problem if you sleep with me tonight.”

And indeed, that was the first night they spent together and it was far to be the last.

Usually, she would be gonna by the sunrise, but this time y/n was exhausted with work and school and having to deal with her family constantly asking about plans they had for her, besides the physical weariness of a whole sex night with Mat. That morning she woke up not to a silent house, but to a shirtless Mat cooking breakfast while blasting her playlist of favorite songs.

“Normally I woke up without feeling like it, but Frank Ocean is playing and you’re doing pancakes...although I’m not really sure about how the food is going to turn out” y/n walked in the kitchen catching Mathew’s attention.

“Good morning to you too” he mocked her, glancing at his oversized shirt that hung her body in a baggy way but still so beautiful.

“You need help there?” she asked going to the water bottle sitting on the counter.

“This is the last pancake, everything’s ready” he walked away from the stove just to wrap one arm around y/n’s middle.

She thought to herself that Mat was the whole package, he knew her so well, he even put effort into cooking in the mornings they spent together -which were few, but still- and he was a great listener, although he liked to talk just as much. He was funny and hot, and he could do both so easily it was painful sometimes. But instead of voicing her thoughts, she kept to herself and left their silence to hug their bodies together. His face resting on the crook of her neck and her hands brushing his long locks.

As soon as the song switched to Lost, y/n’s lips left a loud gasp. Mat would be surprised or confused, but it wasn’t his first time seeing her enjoy her favorites Frank Ocean songs, some he knew the entire lyrics. It was funny to see her wildly dancing and singing as if the world would end anytime soon. And it was those same eyes that made him leave breakfast for good and join her private show. They spent almost thirty minutes stuck on the dance-sing-perform-y/n’s-favorites.

These were the moments where they would be more friends than ever. Sharing the intimacy of the voice of each other and the awkward dance moves, getting to know the songs’ preference, and almost getting a noisy complaint by the neighbors.

And so when Mat started to miss her in the mornings and wish her by his side at night he realized that the intimacy of the moments they spent together could fit as a relationship intimacy as well. Y/n was so easy to be around and she would always have her own way of seeing random everyday things. She liked to go straight to the point too, she hated to lie and hated to left people read one thing when she was trying to say another. That’s why when they started to hookup she told Mathew she wasn’t looking for a lover, she liked him for sure, but being in the years of glory and living in New York wasn’t something she wanted to leave for a relationship.

After almost four months going on like they used to, Mat thought maybe y/n changed her mind. Maybe she liked him as much as he liked her.

And she was point-blank when Barzal brought the subject, “I like you a lot, but I love my freedom.” She didn’t try to put much into it, telling him about her problems would only make him built hope, and she knew that maybe by the time she was fine with the idea of a serious relationship she could be in love with someone else or even he could be. Y/n liked Mathew indeed and that’s why she left him.

Keep it up would only hurt him.

And so they said their goodbyes without a huge fight, but the silence still hurt just as much.

Mat shifted his focus to the season that was about to start, the travel around and games non-stop would take his mind away from how complicated feelings could be sometimes. Y/n, on the other hand, dived into work and school, however, still gets herself wondering about Barzal and how things would turn out if she said yes to his proposition. She missed him in the simple tasks of the day and had to constantly remind that they were not texting each other anymore and no, he definitely did not want to know about the funny dog that ran to her at the park.

Nevertheless, they had the same group of friends and when the season ended and so did midterms, it was crystal clear that they would need to face each other again.

It was a Friday night, just like the first time they spent the night together, and she had an awful day at work, still, Kayle was able to drag her to Tito’s apartment where the small group where reunited. This time it was not one of her best friend random celebrations, it was actually because they spent too long without meeting.

When they finally reached Anthony’s floor y/n still had no idea how she would talk with Mat. She was nervous. They went from 2 a.m calls to zero communication and the lack of it was the reason why she had no idea how he was feeling, if he was doing fine, if he hated her, if he was ok with keeping the friendship etc.

Everyone was in the living room surrounded by bottles and snacks while a random pop song was playing on the tv. He was the first face she searched for but was nowhere to be found, and so y/n settled for greeting each of her friends with a warm and tight hug.

Except for Tito, he was the last one on the sofa line, “where’s my wine, Beau?”

“Kitchen counter” he rolled his eyes playfully.

“Alright, now I can give you a hug” y/n joked before lowering herself and draping her arms around Anthony’s shoulders.

“Bring me another water bottle too, please” Joe requested when she was making her way towards the other room.

The hardwood floor felt cold against her feet and she enjoyed the feeling, trying to switch her thoughts to something other than why Mathew wasn’t there. But before she was able to, she reached the kitchen and there he was sitting on the stool while working in one of his drinks.

It was like the cold from her feet reached her whole body suddenly and she was nervous again.

Mathew made y/n nervous.

It was new to her and she was torn between trying to figure out more about the unknown feeling or ignoring it by shoving it down her pocket.

“Hey!” she tried to sound cheerful, but only got a nod as the response.

Y/n couldn’t read him with his eyes away from her, but he seemed a little out of tune. His hair the usual aesthetic mess at the top of his head and his so friendly white sweatshirt.

She walked over to the freezer reaching the water bottle Joe asked for and then going for the glasses and pouring her so loved wine.

��For a moment when I walked in and didn’t saw my wine at the coffee table, I thought Tito had forgotten about me” her remark did not bother Mathew that kept working with the lemon and vodka in front of him. The pang on her heart now so much vivid. Maybe he hated her indeed, maybe he was heartbroken after everything they went through. And she couldn’t help but finally let some kind of guilty sink at the top of her stomach. “Can I see you again and not feel bad about it?”

The thirty seconds of silence were filled with Mat’s breath since y/n was holding hers.

“What do you mean?” Mat sounded genuinely confused.

“I mean you ignoring me...I never intended to hurt you, you know?”

“I’m sorry. I’m not ignoring you, I’m just out of the area today, my sleep schedule is all fucked up and I’ve been a little grumpy lately, there’s nothing to do with you.”

She wanted to ask how he was doing, if he were hurt when things didn’t go as planned, she even wished to ask about hockey so he would smile bright and big and keep talking for the next two hours. But instead, she took the wine glass and water bottle, making her away to the living room while holding her heart in her hands too.

Joe started a conversation about vacation and so it was the main topic for two hours straight, and even though Mat knew a lot about the subject he kept his mouth shut, mainly just listening to everyone while sipping his drink. It was unusual considering Barzal was usually the one who couldn’t shut up, you would always hear him on the friends’ get-together either his loud voice or his laugh.

Y/n found herself looking at Mat right across her, but she was still able to miss him, cause it didn’t felt like he was there. He was far away in all meanings.

“There’s something I can do to help?” y/n asked while walking to sit beside Mat in the bed they were, certainly, going to share that night, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to make you feel better, I guess you know by now that it wasn’t your fault.”

Mat was moping since he got home, the islanders had lost and the cherry to the cake was the fact that they lost a home game, and y/n was by his side time enough to know that he absolutely hated to lose this way, but she wasn’t time enough to know how she was supposed to deal with it. She wasn’t in the mood for sex and he sure wasn’t too, however she couldn’t stand the pouty lips and the moody Mat, it gave her heart a little pain.

“You don’t need to say anything” he mumbled underneath the covers.

“But I want to. I care about you, Mathew.” she insisted. “What can I do?”

Mat had this soft smile in the corner of his lips watching y/n sitting by his side and looking at him as if he was the most important thing to her at that moment. ‘I care about you’ wasn’t an ‘I love you’, but it meant something deep and they both knew it.

“You can just lay with me.” He gave up scooting to the side and opening his arms for her to lay on top of him. “And stay the night.”

“I wasn’t planning on going anywhere,” y/n’s lips found Mat’s in a slow and sweet kiss that last only some seconds before her face was on the crook of his neck.

Everyone was too caught up on the conversation to notice y/n walk to the balcony and sit in one of the big cold chairs, everyone except Mat and it didn’t take long for him to grab a blanket and follow. He knew she was barefoot and she usually was cold at night. Mat knew a lot of things he never thought he would when they first started going out. Yes, he was looking for a lover, and yes he wished with all his willpower to be y/n, but she left him dazed, living each day by its time - as it’s supposed to be -. Maybe that was the reason why in the middle of it all he didn’t stop too much to think about how things were turning in an unknown road...and when he did, it took them to the mess they were living.

Barzal said nothing as he dropped the blanket around y/n’s body and lowered himself to sit by her side.

“Thank you,” she mumbled a bit dizzy.

“No need to thank me, I just still care about you, that’s all.” His voice was low but firm. He didn’t sound spiteful, it was as if he was letting himself to be soft after every solid thing that hit both of them.

And y/n took the time to process that information.

Mat still care!!!, her insides screaming in pure joy and confusion, and she felt as unsteady as ever. All the ‘what if’s’ making room inside her thoughts. But ‘What if he still cares, but don’t want anything?' ‘What if things don’t work out?’

“I liked when you cared about me too…” Mat voiced taking y/n’s silence as an answer itself. .

“Mat, I’m just…” she thought for some seconds more, her head still bubbling with doubts. “I still care about you.”

His head was still low, fingers playing with a random bracelet, he was deep in his thoughts just as y/n.

“I wasn’t ready to commit, I have so much shit going on and it’s a whole package. A relationship is different from how we were working before. It demands a lot more…I also needed these months to think again and again about it.” She ranted while staring at the building in front of them. “But I still do. I still care about you.”

“I wanna give it a try, the whole package, and everything. I like you, y/n.” He whispered, his voice drowned by the noise of the city, but she was still able to hear him, the soft tone, the truth underneath each word. “Just text me and let me know when you’re ready.”

She nodded while they exchanged a meaningful look. Truth dripping from each other’s eyes along with affection and a new kind of feeling.

They sat there in silence for some minutes, just listening to the city’s noise and feeling the cold air hit their faces before y/n took her phone typing a simple message and sending it to Mat. He looked at her, a hint of amusement and happiness, and she shook her head yes.

#mat barzal #mat barzal imagine #ny isles #nhl imagine #fic request #nhl fanfic #anthony beauvillier #tito beauvillier #hockey imagine #latina!reader #black!reader #new york islanders #i lowkey hate this #but i just did it anyway #there are some good parts tho #so yes #bye #night post #mels writing

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laketaj24 · 5 years ago

Text

Precious Art

Author’s Note: This ship turned into a drabble lmao lol, but I had fun writing it!! More info about this below!! I hope you enjoy it! Thank you soo much for your support, love!!! Y’all stay safe!!! (Found gif on Pinterest)

Warnings: None

Pairings: Napoleon Solo x Reader

Masterlist

I ship you with Napoleon Solo

The Meet:

You were more than nervous gaining a client you’d never met but you’d read about Napoleon Solo. This art thief was notorious. You rearranged your documents in the worn desk before you for the fifth time, and you did not know if you had a headache or if your heart was throbbing through your head from the nerves. Napoleon Solo was to enter that door in less than five minutes, and all you could think was, “how did you land representing the most renown art thief in the entire world?” A defense attorney was not your ideal career, but at the moment, it was the only one that was putting food on the table. The goal was to earn a living, save, and then open up Blooms. If patience was a virtue, you were the ideal candidate for virtuosity.

The agent that entered the room was familiar to you, several times he had approached you about Napoleon. He wanted you to make a deal with the FBI, or he swore that he’d never see the light of day. You’d looked over the evidence three times; Napoleon had been thorough in hiding it was him, but in his last heist, he’d left small trails that could leave doubt. You cleared your throat, glancing up at the man before you rolled your eyes. “Are you not going to allow me to meet him first?”

“He’s going to come in here a woo you.” He lit his cigarette, placing the white stick between his thin pink lips and then peering at you through the thick bifocaled glasses. The wide brim hat hid his face and was entirely unnecessary for indoors. “Napoleon isn’t a good guy. That is the warning I came to give you before he walks in. Take away the charm, the face, and he is just a criminal who stole and made money from things that didn’t belong to him. We can offer him seven years in the FBI as an agent… he’ll be bound until his time is served, but he would be free none the less. Consider it.”

“Could you not smoke in here?” You asked before he struck the match. “It’s a small room, and this is not my only meeting.” You flourished the Versace dress and then eyed him once again.

“Just remember what I offered, the state wants him in for twenty-five years.” He pushed up from his seat, making the horrid dragging sound with the legs before he left the room.

“Is there a real reason you need all these wretched chains?” The posh voice from the hall carried into the room and then the sound of heavy chains. “Certainly not, I am not a killer. I took a few pictures.”

He was right. There were chains wrapped around his feet, up to his arms, and they were not the standard size, they made the normally large looking man look small. He looked like his photos, but there was an unkempt feature to him. The neat part he usually had was gone, and the curls that were gelled and perfectly placed atop his head fell in his face. Napoleon Solo had fallen from grace.

“You do not have to push.” Napoleon stared at the guard he lunged him at the chair. “I served this country.”

“Shut up.” The guard mumbled before he closed the door.

“The nerve of these people.” Napoleon lifted his hands to his hair in an attempt to fix the mess. “Oh great, they sent me someone with no experience.” He looked you over. “They are full-,”

You interrupted. “I’ve scoured your case. You’ve been working for years, and yet you never got caught until this last one. What happened?”

“Well, the mechanics on the locks changed, and I was completely fucked.” He said, defeated. “Just like now. You would not happen to have a hairpin on you, would you?” Napoleon batted his long eyelashes and flashed a smile that made you weak for only a moment.

Why on earth did you want to reach up and take a hairpin from your hair for him? This is how he won, pure seduction. “You are, sir, completely fucked. They would like you to serve seven years under the FBI as an agent, you’d be paid. You’d be under watch, and you’d have to not break the law.”

“I can tolerate everything but the last one,” He smirked the charm radiated off him even in chains.

“It should be easy, I can even push for five years instead of seven because they have no substantial proof that one of the charges was you.” You pushed the file over, displaying the empty vault in Italy’s finest museum. They had tossed this gem in just to place a name on it, there was nothing substantial tying him to it, just accusations.

“I like you. Will you be around if I say yes.”

“I plan to not be around Mr. Solo.” You snickered, pulling it away from him. “I do not make it a habit of hanging around art thieves.”

“Pity.” He paused, twiddling with his fingers. “I make it a habit of hanging around precious art.”

The Ship:

Napoleon, once free, does make it a habit of seeing you regularly. He appears at your office with thank you flowers the week after he is free. Tries to give you a necklace but you are not sure to trust jewelry from him

Persistently displays his interests in you even though you have told him no. Buys you dinner. Walks you home from work. Starts small conversations with you about everything until you have fallen into a routine with him and you are dating

The first kiss is unexpected but clearly one of the best days of your lives.

He continually works out of the country, but that doesn’t stop him from sending you postcards and love letters.

Convinces you to come with him on a trip and you get to witness him in action on a case, you’re terrified, but he is the greatest at his job

Unsure of his friendship with the Russian, but after witnessing, some of their fights realize they are iconic and like them together.

He proposes under the night sky in Paris and flies you to Bora Bora to get married. The honeymoon turns into a mission, and you’re mad at first but get over it once you realize he’s just protecting you

Relationship with Napoleon Includes:

Random fights that always end with him staring at you and saying you win

Apology letters sent after he does something foolish and cannot take it back, like the one time he accidentally blew up the house.

Flying you to random places and dressing you in the latest fashion, matching clothes- because you know he’s suave af

Long kisses and constant cuddling

Public displays of Affection, mainly because he’s jealous which is odd because his job always leads to him half seducing someone for information

One kid and then he retires, you wonder why he has money, and you find out there are over twenty million dollars of stolen art under your house

For Ship requests, they can be submitted via Asks if paid by Venmo (laketaj30) Cashapp (laketaj30). If you prefer to use Ko-Fi HERE is the Link. Ko-Fi will then tell you the same guidelines below! The ships I create will be 500-700 words and specialized for you. Guaranteed within 7 days, and I keep open communication during that time. This is helping me get back to school, and I appreciate all donations.

#henry cavill fics #napoleon solo #napoleon solo x reader #the man from uncle #henry cavill fanfiction #henry cavill #henry cavill imagine

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rivetgoth · 4 years ago

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I had this friend I met in the Hetalia fandom in like 8th-9th grade who was like, a lot older than me (I was like 12-13 when we met and she was like 17 or so), and we were REALLY close for a really long time, we'd talk and call every day and it got to a point where she was really dependent on me in this awful way where she would like constantly threaten suicide if I didn't answer her texts fast enough and shit like that. She was really rich cuz her dad was a doctor and one time she bought me an entire fucking Xbox One (I did not ask for it like... I'd always been a PlayStation gamer LOL) because she didn't have anyone to play Halo with her. My family still has it and uses it as a DVD player/Netflix machine.

Anyway the really batshit thing about this person (BESIDES the fact that she was like, definitely a pedophile who loved shota and frequently sexted me after she'd turned 18+ and I was like 14 and she also had both a bestiality and incest fetish that she'd talk to me about constantly — I was a kid I had no moral concept of anything and just liked being edgy and feeling mature) was that she was like. A chronic liar who constantly faked identities. And for years after cutting off contact with her I would look back and realize that she had faked even more than I had noticed at the time. The thing is, I knew for sure she wasn't lying about her home life -- Her address, what she looked like, her dad's profession, her age, her house, her pets, etc, were all things I had proof of. But when I knew her she was constantly remaking her Tumblr to escape drama she'd start, and she would constantly make side blogs under pseudonyms and pretend it wasn't her (sometimes it would be random shit like aesthetic blogs under different names or ask blogs for characters or smthn, other times it was like, callout blogs for people she had gotten into drama with where she would pretend to be someone else defending her). I assumed back then that I was always going to be in on it, because she would always tell me whenever she made one of these fake accounts, and sometimes she would encourage me to make a new account too as a sort of roleplay thing where we both pretended to be people we weren't... Until I learned that she wasn't always telling me. Every so often, I would become mutuals with a new account who would start messaging me about my interests and strike a conversation with me. Then something would slip and my "new mutual" would admit that they had actually been my friend all along... Which should have made me immediately cut contact because that's weird as shit, but I was young and she was a close friend, so I would just sorta accept it.

She ended up being like, horrifically transphobic. She got run off her blog twice for being specifically transmisogynistic, first insisting that she was allowed to headcanon canon trans women as feminine men and then on her next blog insisting that lesbians couldn't be attracted to trans women. I was still young and closeted and she was one of my closest friends and was constantly messaging me that the situation was making her suicidal and she was just wording things wrong and totally supported trans people and people just weren’t giving her the benefit of the doubt and she was still learning so I tried to just stay out of it without losing her. Then... I came out as trans lol. She stopped replying to me when I first came out and then made a bunch of vents on her tumblr about how much it upset her and about how “using he/him pronouns for AFAB people is triggering” for whatever fucking reason. She told me her “best IRL friend” who she had introduced me to once on Skype but who never logged in again after and who refused to ever do a group call or anything (definitely another fake account) said that it was irrational for me to expect my friends to respect my pronouns so soon after coming out and that I shouldn’t be upset if I get misgendered. Then she apologized but told me my name and pronouns would never fit me. As you can imagine, as a little baby trans kid who was closeted from my family and terrified of even having come to terms with being trans, I didn’t really have a great defense.

Soon she started being really woke like 2014 style Tumblr SJW to save face, she came out as nonbinary and told me in private it was because she felt bad when people called her cis during discourse (she absolutely wasn't nonbinary) and she coined a "new sexuality" that was "attraction only to people you perceive as feminine, regardless of how they identify" -- what this actually meant was "attraction to cis women and not trans women." She ran an aroace help blog despite not being aroace? And made a bunch of pride flags that I still see around sometimes to this day. She would start fights a lot and try to out-woke people and got into a bunch of drama with other SJW types of the day, got into a bunch of drama with TumblrInAction and Mogai-Watch and shit like that, and she claimed for a short while that she had a headmate (FWIW I totally believe DID is a legitimate thing but like. Trust me on this one.) who was transphobic and that it made her so sad, she told me that it was actually that headmate that had been transphobic before, and every so often her headmate would front out of nowhere and misgender me and use really abusive language like calling me a cunt or a bitch or whatever. She started making these "intersex nonbinary" OCs who she would constantly make porn of under the guise that they were representation for LGBT people who were just like, extremely fetishistic cuntboys and dickgirls (they were “intersex” to explain why they could be “girls with natal penises” or “boys with natal vaginas”).

At that same time, she somehow always managed to have these random, very sporadically active trans women mutuals who were apparently amazing friends of hers, who shared some interests with her but also would defend her when people brought up her past, with these long-winded “Well, I’m a trans woman and I think what she said is perfectly justified and everyone makes mistakes and she’s always been a good ally!!” Then one day some trans woman received an ask from her account where she claimed to be a “black trans woman” (she was, of course, a white cis woman) and she freaked out and claimed she had “been hacked by TiA or 4Chan to make her look bad” — I realize now she had just been sending anon messages pretending to be things she wasn’t and forgot to hit anon LOL. Late in all of this she also got into a bunch of hot water for being really antisemitic and saying she didn’t trust Jewish people because they were just like Christians and like, 5 seconds later she came out as Jewish and wrote this whole long sad vent about how she had had internalized antisemitism and then started going by a random Hebrew name LMAO.

In the end the final breaking point was when I found her secret TERF blog, where she had been making posts for months about how trans men are just insecure women who are trying to escape misogyny by stepping on the backs of “fellow women” and using me as a fucking example, and also saying that me not coming out as a trans man had been “basically rape” since she had been SEXTING me when she was 18+ and I was 13-14+ and that it was traumatic to know someone she had trusted was secretly identifying as a man LMAO. She was also obviously saying all sorts of transmisogynistic things, but also had these really bizarre fetish posts about wanting trans women to fuck her...? I confronted her about it and she literally fucking out of nowhere told me that she was in the emergency room with a mysterious illness that might kill her and she was allowed to have her phone but due to privacy laws couldn’t send a picture as proof. While “in the hospital” she deleted the TERF blog and her personal blog. I had known her for literal YEARS at this point (we had met when I was 12-13 or so and by the time we no longer spoke I was a few months from 17), and I was completely stunned to fucking hear this person trying to pull “I’m in the hospital with a deadly disease” at being confronted for some shit like that LMAO. I made a post about it on my public and another “trans woman friend” of hers logged in to vehemently defend her by saying that there’s nothing wrong with AFAB women being untrusting of trans people because female oppression is uniquely traumatic and that there’s nothing wrong with women expressing their sexuality by sexting minors as long as the minor consents and that I was the real predator for “hiding that I was a man” (remember, I’d been a 13 year old closeted trans boy), before never logging in again... 😭 One of the last times we ever talked was when she demanded I refund her for the fucking Xbox and I refused.

Anyway, the long-term aftermath of that is that a few people online (in some random cringe areas of the internet) who archived some of her antics still think that I also wasn’t a real person, since they caught onto how much she lied about too, so they think I was also a sock puppet and I have no interest in clarifying and making myself known to those people LOL. I have no fucking idea where she is now, she deactivated everything after her being a TERF came out. There’s like, so much more to that I could say because I knew her for YEARS and, like I said, she was one of my “closest friends.” Her parents had wildly expensive pure bred designer dogs that she would make Vines of. She wrote Beatles real person fan fiction. For her birthday one year I made her a shirt on Zazzle with an inside joke about one of her OCs... does she still have that? Either way, she was easily the most batshit person I’ve ever known closely online and I will forever associate the Hetalia fandom with people like that.

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dat-fandom-losertown · 5 years ago

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Happy NHPC Day!

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

Chapter 2

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

Spideypool / Peter Parker + Wade Wilson

Warnings: None, unless you click the first link in this chapter. It’s just a flower, but it’s mildly NSFW?

Word Count: 4,862

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

Previous <~

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

A/N: Heyy... 😅 It's way past Feb. 15th now, but the 15th was my brother's 15th birthday, and I got roped into the activities (for the literal first time in 10 years lmao), then later that evening there was a power outage due to a huge wind storm. As for the rest of the days, I kinda just... didn't post the finished product for some reason? Like, I rewrote this thing, like, four times (and I still hate this but it's whatever at this point I guess), then I thought I posted it on the 16th but didn't?? So I was checking my other work and saw this was uncompleted?? So here! Take the late chapter! Better late than never I guess? 😅😂

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

{ Yellow } [ White ]

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

The first and only thing Wade notices when he wakes up is that Peter is still in his arms. He rubs his face along Peter’s bare back and neck, enjoying the warmth and softness of his skin.

[ That’s strange. He’s usually up early. ]

{ Yea. One of those nasty “Early to bed, Early to rise” people. Honestly, don’t they see the appeal of nighttime? }

The second thing Wade notices when he wakes up are those fucking boxes, and the blissful “I just woke up and can’t remember much” feeling is gone instantly.

{ Uh, rude! }

[ No, that’s fair. You’re an idiot ]

{ Again, rude! And hypocritical! }

He ignores them both in favor of hugging his boyfriend tighter. Once he does, Peter exits out of whatever app he had on his phone and rolls over in his arms so their noses almost touch.

“Good morning.” he says lowly, looking like he just woke up but sounding like he’s been up for a while. He must have just never gotten out of bed.

“Mmm… Mornin’ hot stuff.” Wade can’t resist kissing him sweetly. “What has you in bed still? Hm?”

Peter smiles, and it lights up his beautiful brown eyes. Whoever says that brown eyes aren’t beautiful can go fuck themselves. Peter is living proof that eyes like that may as well be the most delicious chocolate, they’re so alluring.

[ I don’t think you’d describe chocolate as alluring… ]

{ Speak for yourself. My problem is that now I can’t stop thinking about that trend where couples would lick each other’s eyeballs. Please don’t tell me you’re going to do that to Petey, are you? }

[ Even I know to have more confidence in him than that. Maybe. ]

“Didn’t people die from that? Or go blind?” Wade murmurs out loud, knowing Peter doesn’t care when he does.

“What did?” he asks back.

“People licking other people’s eyeballs.”

Peter gets that look on his face that he denies having. The one that says “I really wanna question where that came from because that was completely random and unrelated to our conversation, but I also don’t want to know the answer because I’m scared of the rabbit trail that lead you to it.” He rarely asks how he got to whatever topic he randomly brought up, but he always humors Wade and answers him as if he was talking to him and not the voices in his head.

His expression turns to one of hesitant acceptance. “What are you talking about?”

“When people were licking each other’s eyeballs for that one trend.”

Peter just nods. “I think people went blind, but I don’t think anyone died. It was a risk, but wasn’t that back in, like, 2013 or something?”

Wade shrugs and kisses Peter again. “Dunno. Yellow mentioned it cause your eyes look like chocolate. No worries, though, licking eyes is nasty.” he adds at Peter’s concerned and disgusted look.

“Good, cause I’d never allow it.”

“Same here.”

There’s a minute of peaceful, comfortable silence before Peter breaks it.

“Why the hell do all of our morning conversations end up like this?”

[ Because you have even less of a filter than you normally do, which shouldn’t even be possible, but it is. Honestly, it’s terrifying. ]

“White says it’s because we have less of a head to mouth filter than normal when we’re first waking up.” Wade paraphrases.

Peter nods again, “Yeah… It’s probably a good thing you rarely see me when I first get up.”

{ He probably says some really cute things! Or maybe it would be much dirtier ;) }

[ I can’t tell if you said “colon end parenthesis” out loud or just implanted a picture of a winky face in our heads and it’s making me uncomfortable. ]

{ Well technically you don’t have a head to implant that to. And I’ll do whatever the hell I want, so the readers won’t even get to know the answer to your inquiry. }

[ Ooo, big word for you. ]

{ Yeah, bigger than your tiny– }

“Wade, are the voices bothering you?” Peter interrupts, causing Wade to smile.

“Nah, honey, they’re bothering each other more than me.”

He affectionately bumps his forehead on his Peter’s and leaves it there, basking in the warmth.

{ You should ask Peter! }

“Ask him what?” Wade almost groans.

{ If he says cute or dirty thing, of course! }

“No. Later. ‘M warm.”

{ Pansy. }

[ Right now he looks more like an Orchis italica than a Pansy, really. ]

“Do I wanna know what those look like?”

“What?” Peter pulls back.

{ Yesss! Nirlan left the links there for a reason! }

[ Who the fuck is Nirlan? ]

{ Gasp! How dare you not know the name of the author of this fanfic! }

[ There’s so many authors and artists out there, how are we supposed to ever keep up with them? ]

“Can we not? It’s too early to be breaking this many walls…” Wade complains because hot damn the boxes are getting annoying, and, quite frankly, they’re taking over the fic at this point.

The boxes don’t even get to respond before Peter is on Wade, kissing him in a way that is neither soft nor chaste.

“Need a distraction?” he asks with that sexy smirk of his.

“Always.”

{ I guess it’s dirty things, heheh ;) }

[ I swear to god– ]

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

“And you’re sure that two hours is enough time for you to browse around? And you won’t get something absurdly expensive, even though we can afford it?” Peter asks for the third time right before they split up. Wade doesn’t even blame him for asking. They both know how he can get sometimes when shopping without a list.

“I promise I won’t get distracted and show up three hours late with nothing or too much to show for it.” He hesitates, “Well, I can’t promise on the late part, but if I am late, I’ll have a really good present to make up for it!” He says it in his usual joking manner, but they both know that he’ll be on time unless something super-vigilante-y (‘cause he may be super, but he ain’t no hero) happens.

Peter smiles in a way he can only describe as fond. Wade remembers when he was shocked every time he saw it on the other’s face, back when their relationship was newer and Wade’s self-esteem at an almost all-time low. Now, though, it only brings a rush of warmth. This person, this beautiful, humble, kind, strong man loves him– Him! A mess of a barely-if-at-all-human being that used to kill a shit ton of people for money and fun (even though they were all baddies, it still goes against the “Spidey Code”)– enough to smile all dopily at seemingly random times. Like, how did he ever get so lucky? What did he do in his past life do deserve such a sweet reward for going through the horrors he has?

[ Maybe it’s less about previous lives and more about karma. You used to be an asshole and killed almost indiscriminately, so karma punished you. But then you started killing only people who had no right being alive, and here we are. ]

{ White! Did you just call Wade a good person! I thought you didn’t care! }

[ Shut the hell up. The only thing I did was say that maybe karma realized that it went a little too far. I mean– ]

“Wade, you alright?” Peter voices, holding Wade’s wrist and looking far more concerned than he should.

“Yeah.” He shakes his head. “Yeah, actually. I think White just indirectly called me a good person.”

[ I did fucking not! ]

“Or, well, that I’m a good enough person now that karma decided I deserved one last good thing after all the shit it’s been giving me all my life. But close enough, right?”

And there goes Peter, smiling that same fond smile as before, even if it has a touch more worry in it than it did before. Wade practically melts.

“Of course you’re a good person. I don’t date just anyone, you know.” Peter kisses him quickly before letting go of his wrist. “Now we really should go get those presents. Meet back at the apartment in two hours, or sooner if we find something before then?”

“You know it.” Wade blows him a large kiss with a wink.

Peter catches it in a fist, which he then kisses and puts in his pocket before turning around. Wade follows his lead and turns to jog across the street while the crosswalk sign is still green. The bounce in his step doesn’t leave even as he slows to a casual stroll, or as casual as it can be in the middle of fucking New York City.

God, never in a million years did he think he’d be a part of that couple. The couples who shamelessly blow kisses and make goo-goo eyes at each other in public. At least, not when it’s no longer the obnoxious honeymoon phase with someone he doesn’t really care for and he’s trying to subtly drive them away. He and Peter certainly aren’t in the honeymoon phase anymore, and Wade is actually trying his best to keep his boyfriend around for as long as possible this time before he inevitably ups and leaves.

[ At least you’re self aware in that aspect. Nothing lasts forever. Even if you and him did, you realize that chances of you outliving him just because he ages is extremely likely, if not certain? ]

{ So you should get him a present now! A really, really good one! Not like your prank anniversary gift. }

“Hell no, nothing like that. I was cleaning slime and glitter for weeks.”

[ It was only four days. ]

“Yeah. Like I said, weeks.”

{ So what should we get Peter? }

[ We? ]

{ Yes we! I want to get him one too this time! He’s the only person besides Wade who tries to talk to us! }

[I suppose that’s true… ]

Wade can practically feel White thinking this over, but he already knows that there’s no swaying Yellow about this. He doubts (hopes) that Peter doesn’t mind that they got him stuff too. He already has plenty of reminders that Wade is insane as it is.

{ A blanket won’t do! And he doesn’t like stuffed animals like we do! }

[ And he doesn’t like shoes or socks around the house because he falls off the ceiling easier. Mittens and gloves are out of the picture for the same reason. ]

Huh, so White is planning to get Peter something, then.

[ If I’m forced to, then a new camera. It’s functional and he’s been wanting that new Canon one. ]

That is very true. Back when he and Peter were first moving into their current apartment (which is way nicer than either of them had before, Wade because he had no self-respect, and Peter because he had no money) found his old camera and eventually got back into the hobby. When he bought a more professional upgrade so he could dabble in selling some of his stuff, it ended up having a built in flash that turned on whenever it was darker than “in direct sunlight” unless he put it on the shitty “No Flash” setting. He returned it pretty quickly, but he still hasn’t bought a new one yet.

Fuck, that would have actually been a really cool gift idea, and if White’s taking it–

[ We’ll share it. ]

Wade stumbles in the middle of the sidewalk.. Did he just hear that right?

{ Holy shit, I think you did! }

[ Fuck off. You guys are hopeless. This is an offer of pity. ]

{ And that sounded very tsundere of you. }

[ And I’m not going to grace that with a response. ]

{ Let it be known that White actually cares! }

[ Do you never listen? ]

Wade tunes the boxes out while they argue. As much as the camera is such a good idea– and he will be getting that; he’s on his way to a store he vaguely knows of to check for the one he thinks he remembers Peter wanting– he doesn’t like the idea of getting Peter something that White thought of before he did. It doesn’t exactly shout “I’m a good boyfriend” to buy something someone else suggested, even if he’s positive he would have thought of it eventually, if given some time.

By the time he reaches the store, interrogates a knowledgeable employee and the internet for what the best Canon camera for Peter might be, buys a camera, extra lenses, a small, foldable camera stand, a reflector of the same variety, and a large, red and grey camera bag, and walks out of the store with several bags, the boxes have moved on from arguing and are strangely into the whole gift-giving thing. It was actually Yellow’s idea to get the stand and backpack, and White’s idea to get the extra lenses.

He finds an empty alleyway to dump all of this stuff out and organize the goods into the backpack. He’s not stupid, he knows that alleys are usually where various crimes happen, but he’s also not so stupid as to let someone sneak up on him, either. This alley is completely empty, and it will stay that way either because no one comes around, or he returns it to its empty state. No one’s stealing his baby boy’s Half-Priced Candy Day present on his watch.

It doesn’t take nearly as long to organize everything into and on the bag as Wade thought. Just put the default lense on the body of the camera and stuff that and the charger into the biggest hole in the bag, the other lenses get caps on both ends and they get put in the smaller ones. The reflector get is put on top of those and the bag still closes just fine, and the collapsible stand can be strapped to the side of this particular bag. He tosses all the boxes and bags into the nearby dumpster after pulling the camera bag on like a backpack and he’s ready to go.

He casually heads out and starts making his way towards Target. That place usually has unique games that he and Peter sometimes play with a couple of other friends. That, and they usually have sinfully soft pillows, blankets, and sheets. He would get an indoor hammock chair, but they don’t own their current apartment and he doesn’t want to risk ruining the ceiling in order to hang it up. Besides, he doesn’t feel like carrying something like that back from Target by foot.

[ So by process of elimination, you’re getting yet another soft blanket or pillow? ]

“Listen, I don’t need your sass. There is no such thing as too many soft things, and Peter completely agrees.” he responds out loud. He is far beyond not giving a fuck about what other people (who aren’t Peter, of course) think about him.

{ That may be so, but, like, this is your chance to buy matching onesies? }

“Peter doesn’t like onesies. They get too hot for him too fast, and they usually fall under the ‘no shoes or socks’ thing.” Wade gasps, “Gloves! He doesn’t like gloves because they cover his fingertips!”

[ Yes, we all knew this Wade�� ]

“So finger-less gloves should be fine, right? I could buy a pair or two or seven for him!”

{ All different colors and patterns! And they’re still soft! }

Wade hums happily as he skips into Target. He walks in with the resolve to buy at least five pairs of finger-less gloves, but probably more. After a while of looking around and mild complaining and raving, though, he ends up walking out with two pairs of finger-less gloves (one black and one mitten-convertible pair that are navy blue), an expansion pack for Exploding Kittens, some discount candy, a case of Peter’s favorite soda, and a grey teddy bear that is soft soft he couldn’t not get it (he made sure to get the one with the wonky face, though, because he and Peter always grab the ones with “personality”).

A glance at his watch tells him that he’s already 15 minutes late, and he still has to walk home.

“Shit!”

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

Wade bursts through the apartment door, panting. Sprinting up the stairs instead of waiting a minute for the elevator probably wasn’t the best call.

“Peter?” he calls out before he even gets inside.

“I’ll be right out!” he hears from their bedroom.

He heaves a sigh, closing the door behind him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I took so long.” he says at a normal, indoor volume, knowing Peter can still hear him clear as day, “I really didn’t mean to be late this time, but when I finally got out of Target I was already ten minutes late and I didn’t want to run and accidentally drop something, y’know?”

Peter walks out of the bedroom, and Wade notes how he carefully kept the door closed just enough to where he can’t see inside.

{ Ooo!! I wonder what it is! Maybe a new comforter? }

[ God, there’s no more fucking room in the closet for this shit. ]

“Hi, honey.” Wade greets softly. His face feels warm and soft, so he knows he’s making heart-eyes at Peter, but he just can’t help it!

“Hey, love.” Peter greets back, stepping forward and taking Wade’s face in his hands.

They meet in the middle in a soft kiss, then lean each other’s foreheads against one another. It makes Wade suddenly aware of how much he missed Peter. Like, he normally isn’t this clingy, but NHPC day is meant for sleeping and cuddles and all Petey time.

“As much as I liked trying to find surprises for you, I don’t think I want to do this again.”

Peter hums, getting Wade’s unspoken message. “I agree. I missed you, too.”

They stand there for a while, swaying slightly together with Peter cupping his cheeks and Wade pressing as close to his other as he can without the bags becoming awkward to hold. Peter kisses his nose, then both of his cheekbones, then his cheeks, then his mouth and lingers there. When they pull away, Peter takes a step back.

“So, what’s all this?”

He wrings his hands together as he tries to inspect the bags. He’s nervous or anxious about something, and, honestly, Wade doesn’t blame him for being worried about what’s in the numerous bags. Not after their last anniversary and April Fools, anyway.

“Nothing bad, I promise. Should we move this to the bed?–”

“Couch is fine!” Peter says a tad too enthusiastically and spins to go sit on the couch.

Well, that just means there's something in the bedroom, but he can be patient if it’s for his Petey.

He settles everything onto the floor before sliding the bag off of his back and handing it to Peter. The vigilante stares at it with wide eyes, and takes it extremely carefully, as if the bag will fall apart if he so much as moves it too fast.

“So, normally, people open the biggest thing last so they aren’t disappointed with everything else, but…”

Peter takes the hint and sets it on the ground so he can unzip it and open the flap. He removes the round reflector and suddenly freezes. Wade can’t tell if it’s a good freeze or a bad one, and that in itself is decidedly not good.

“I don’t know if this camera is too advanced or too shitty for you so...” Wade trails off again, not sure what to say.

Peter picks up the camera and inspects it. He tries to turn it on, but it still needs to be charged, so he assumes the screen remains black. He flips it around to look at it and uncap the lense, flips it back to hold it and maybe find the buttons. He looks through the camera and manually adjusts the focus. After that, he adjusts the focus back to where it was, puts the camera safely back into the bag.

A split second later, Wade has a lap and armful of Peter.

“Woah! Okay, I take it you like it?” Wade curls his arms around Peter’s middle while his abdomen, in return, is squeezed.

“Thank you.” Peter whispers into his neck.

Wade squeezes him tighter. “You’re welcome, love.”

Upon hearing the seldom-used name, Peter kisses Wade one more time. It quickly becomes much less than innocent, and as much as Wade is loving this, he still has a few other gifts to give, and at least one thing to get in return.Therefore, he reluctantly pulls away, softly stopping Peter from following his lips.

“You still have a couple gifts from me.”

Peter does not move. “Describe them.”

Damn if Wade doesn’t like it when Peter gets like this. Any other time he would have given in to that sinful look on the other’s face, but not this time. He’ll prove he has at least some self control.

“As much as I would love to– and I really would– I wanna see your reaction to two of the other things I got.”

Peter huffs and sits back with a slight pout. “Fine.”

He quickly eyes the Target bags and gathers his presents. He politely thanks Wade for buying the candy and soda because he didn’t have time to for a reason he didn’t state. He finds the expansion pack and smiles at it, and challenges Wade to a game as soon as they’re done with gifts and snuggles. Then he finds the bear with the wonky face.

“I actually got you something similar to this.”

He seems nervous again, almost more so than before. It has Wade becoming concerned.

“Hey, you know it’s alright if all you got me was a stuffie, right?” He reaches over and grabs Peter’s hand. “It isn’t a competition.”

He smiles fondly in return. “I know.” He gets up and offers Wade a hand. “Time for my presents.”

Wade accepts his hand, but barely uses it to get up. Peter doesn’t let go once he’s standing on his own and the ex-merc finds himself being led to the bedroom.

{ What do you think it’s going to be! I vote for the room being covered in petals and Peter offering himself as a gift! }

[ Peter has stated many times that he has more dignity than that, so no. ]

{ Aww, you’re such a party pooper… I can still dream, you know! }

[ That’s what I worry about the most. ]

{ Hey! }

Peter opens their bedroom door and what Wade finally sees inside almost makes his jaw drop.

There are colored fairy lights strung up simply around the room, just like he’s always wanted, but either forgot the lights or lacked the motivation to try setting it up. The bed is made with a new bed set that is predominantly apple red with accents of maroon, and when Wade strokes his hand across it, it is extremely soft, but doesn’t feel like it’ll overheat them and irritate his scars. On the center of the bed are a little Spiderman and Deadpool tsum tsum-looking plushies laying right next to each other. It’s perfect.

“How did you even have time to do all of this?” Wade asks as he takes in the lights while stroking the comforter.

“I was banking on you being a bit late, actually.” Peter clears his throat– another obvious show of nerves. “Do you like it?”

“I love it.” Wade doesn’t hesitate, “This is beautiful. Where did you even find all this?”

“Uh, you know, at the store.” Peter sounds more anxious than before, so Wade turns around to ensure that everything is perfect–

This can’t be happening. Wade feels his eyes widen and his jaw properly drop. This can’t be real. There’s no way.

{ This isn’t another hallucination, is it? }

[ I don’t think so. No one is trying to kill us. ]

Peter is on one knee right in front of him. Those stupidly handsome eyes flicker around his face, and his shoulders are tense in a way that broadcasts he’s nervous. They’re standing in their gorgeous room that’s in their shared apartment, they’re both in the comfiest clothes that are still appropriate to go out in public in, and Peter is kneeling in front of him while holding out a ring that’s made of rose gold with a large, deep-red center gem with tiny black ones swirling around it.

This can’t be fucking real. This is way too good to be–

“Judging by your face, this is completely unexpected, but this is something I just realized recently that I’ve been wanting for a while. And I know it doesn’t make any sense, but I think you know what I’m talking about anyway.”

Peter didn’t ask for a response or acknowledgement, but Wade nods anyway. He understands the feeling. Peter’s gaze moves to the walls and the floor, purposefully avoiding Wade now. That isn’t a great sign.

“Like, everyone else I dated I kinda new from the start wouldn’t last? But with you, everything feels natural, and we work really well together, in suits and out of them, and I just– I was thinking about something or other, and I imagined trying to live a life that didn’t have you in it, and I couldn’t do it. As disgustingly cheesy as this is going to sound, I don’t think I can live without you anymore, at least without it being torturous, ‘cause you’re the one who literally knows the most about me and you help me stay away from especially bad habits but don’t treat me like a child when I do something stupid. And, like, the only way you can leave my life permanently is if we broke up– well I guess we could still technically get a divorce, or you could just say ‘no’ right now and break up with me eventually–”

“Yes.” Wade hears himself say, quietly. Peter doesn’t register it, so Wade doesn’t try to use words again. He’s too caught up in his head. He kneels down to Peter’s height and reaches around Peter’s outstretched hands to cup his cheeks. Peter blinks, looks into Wade’s eyes, and lowers the ring closer to their chests, but never stops speaking.

“–but anyway. You’re actually the best thing that’s happened to me since Spiderman and it would really mean the world and more to me if you say–”

Wade cuts him off with a slow, soft kiss. He slowly pulls away when his own smiling makes it too hard to continue, but keeps their faces close.

“Yes.”

Peter blinks hopefully. “Yes?”

Wade yanks him into a tight hug. “Of course! Why would I ever say no?– Actually, don’t answer that. But god, yes! Fuck, I love you so much!” Wade suddenly pulls back. “Lemme see the ring! How did you even get something this nice on such short notice?”

Peter takes his left hand– and oh, if that doesn’t send a pleasant thrill up his spine then he doesn’t know what will– and gently slides the ring on– actually, that right there would– and then doesn’t let go of his hand.

The ring looks more feminine on his finger than it did in the little, velvet box, but if anyone knows Wade, it’s that he doesn’t give a flying fuck. He actually really loves it. It’s rather unique, especially compared to the classic “white diamond(s) on a silver band” engagement rings. And while Wade would have loved a ring like that if Peter got him one, he probably would have only liked it for what it symbolized, rather than actually liking the ring itself like he does this one.

“I did some research during the late night patrols yesterday, and found this one online this morning before you were up. I just went to pick it up after it got sized.”

“It’s beautiful.”

“I was worried it wasn’t flashy enough–”

“Nonsense, Peter!” he exaggerates an accent.

“–then I was worried it was too flashy for just in case you wanted to wear it under your Deadpool suit–”

“Of course I will!”

“–and I didn’t want it to irritate your scars, but, again, I didn’t want to be super simple or flat. That just isn’t the Spiderman and Deadpool way, after all.”

“No, it really isn’t.” he confirms fondly.

Wade looks back down at the ring. It hasn’t quite hit him yet that they’re officially engaged.

“So…” Wade starts seductively, “How about we try out these new sheets?”

Peter perks up. “Snuggle day time?”

Wade’s smile turns into a large grin. “You go get the candy and soda, I’ll rearrange the pillows.”

“Maximum effort!” Peter says as he jumps up to sprint out of the room.

Wade gets up too. “Hey! That’s my thing! And this is mediocre effort at best!”

As Peter’s laugh rings pleasantly through the apartment, all Wade can think is that this is hopefully going to be the rest of his life. He’ll get to have moments like these for years and years to come, snuggles and candy with someone he loves and someone who loves him back for years and years to come. And since the boxes aren’t arguing anything, that must mean it’s true on some level, at least.

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

Previous <~

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

A/N: Heyo! I still hate this chapter but I've given up trying to make it better, so here we are. I hope y'all didn't totally hate it though! I had an idea for a beginning and an end, but not the middle, so it's all kinds of bleh XD Anyway, I hope you all have a pleasant day/night, and thank you for checking this fic out! <3

#spideypool #peter parker x wade wilson #spideypool valentines fanfic #spideypool fic #spideypool fanfic #spideypool fanfiction #spideypool scenario #nirlan's spideypool fanfics #nirlan's marvel fanfics

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gimmeyoon · 5 years ago

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Tag Game

tagged by: @ddaenggtan whom I love and is one half of two spider-man��s pointing at each other

:: nickname(s): B, BayB, Sherbert (Based on my real name this is risky), Bob (Because my phone autocorrects BB to Bob and so my best friend and I call each other that).

:: bias: In BTS, Namjoon, Yoongi, and Jungkook (Because I am a whore)

:: blood type: I genuinely do not know, I think A+ .....

:: favourite food: Tofu and rice from a very specific Chinese place near my undergrad school OR from Sticky Rice, Asparagus, Pasta of any type, Tofurky sandwich

:: birthday: March 11, 1997

:: zodiac: Pisces Sun, Aries Moon, Sagittarius Rising

:: pronouns: she/her

:: hair length: OKAY right now it is SO LONG I’ve had short hair since I started senior year of High School, and now, 6 years later, my hair is an inch or 2 past my shoulders (I think I should cut it)

:: height: i am 5′3″ and one time I said “tall people should always be afraid” as I stood on a stool because BEING THAT HIGH UP IS SCARY

:: a crush: I have a new crush every room I walk into I am hopeless also what ever happened to Alex the regular that I blushed around why did he stop coming to my Starbucks Alex I miss you

:: what do you like about yourself: I like my style and my confidence. I took me a really long time to feel good about myself, but I feel like I’m finally as confident as everyone always thought I was. I like my creativity and how empathetic I am.

:: left or right handed: I am right handed but live in fear that I was supposed to be left handed based on my mom’s haunted memory of taking the marker out of my left hand as a child and putting it into my right and immediately regretting it.

:: list of 3 favourite colours: CURRENTLY: pastel pink, neon green, and pastel purple

:: (right now) eating: nothing, but I have a Mediterranean grain bowl from Panera in front of me for later so I could use their wifi

:: (right now) drinking: Starbucks venti iced coffee with soy, light ice, and 3 pumps of cinnamon dolce syrup.

:: i’m about to: start planning for Spring semester which starts tomorrow!

:: listening to: my Korean music playlist, which is named 음악, because Google translate told me that’s how you write music in Korean, if it’s wrong please tell me I don’t want to be embarrassed. It’s my most listened to playlist and more specifically I am listening to Tell Me What To Do by SHINee

:: kids: Does my cat count? I call her my baby and her name is Mochi. Or is this like do I want to have them? Yes, I have wanted to be a mom since I was very little, but that’s also maybe because of child hood trauma that we do not have time to unpack, anyways I always pictured myself as a mom but like not as a wife? So kids even if I’m a single mom.

:: get married: LMAO according to the above I am not like that invested in it, but also I am down to get married one day. I’m genuinely happy alone and I don’t actively seek out romantic relationships BUT ALSO I WANT TO BE LOVED DAMN IT. Idk one day but no time soon.

:: recent phone call: My mom because she face timed me and I could tell it was a butt dial and I was right.

:: (have u ever) dated someone twice: No. I am the type of person that is done when I’m done and my mind isn’t going to be changed. Also I never liked anyone I dated that much OOP.

:: been cheated on: Probably, like they swore to the end that they didn’t, but he immediately started dating the girl (my best friend) that I swore he was cheating on me with SO LIKE EMOTIONALLY YES.

:: kissed someone and regretted it: Literally one of my boyfriends, and yet even after regretting the kiss I DATED HIM WHAT THE HELL

:: lost someone special: Yes. No way to make this entertaining or funny sorry.

:: been depressed: We are thicc into the effects of seasonal affective disorder SO YES (I’m sorry that effects my work on this blog and is proof that being depressed TM does not make you a better artist I CANT DO SHIT RIGHT NOW)

:: been drunk and thrown up: OKAY so yes, the first time was my freshman year of college and I WAS WASTED, and then not again until MY SENIOR YEAR where I would be LEGALLY ALLOWED TO DRINK. I learned the hard way that when I am out and my friend says WHO WANTS TO DO SHOTS if my immediate answer is yes, it should be no, because I never want to take a shot unless I am already too drunk.

:: had glasses or contacts: I have both! I’ve had glasses since the first grade and I got contacts in the 7th grade, which I prefer because I like seeing in my peripheral.

:: had sex on the first date: well as a Virgin TM, no

:: broken someone’s heart: Yes, and I am not sorry OOP

:: turned someone down: Yes, and it is always awkward I hate it

:: cried when someone died: Yes, every time

:: fallen for a friend: Yes, refer back to I have a new crush every room I enter

:: (in the last year have you) made a new friend: YES, I moved to a whole new state and made friends on this here website

:: laughed until u cried: Yes and its one of my favorite emotions

:: met someone who changed u: I think everyone we truly get to know and meet changes us in some way.

:: found out who your true friends were: Yes and that shit hurted

:: found out someone was talking about you: Probably, I am pretty oblivious to things like that, so I could genuinely never realize.

:: lips or eyes: Eyes I guess. I’ve never thought about it but I guess I think more about eyes than lips when it comes to a person.

:: hugs or kisses: Kisses are great but HUGS hit DIFFERENT. You can kiss random people and it means nothing except hey you’re hot, but THE THOUGHT of the person I love hugging me tight EUPHORIC

:: romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneous romantic gestures

:: hookup or relationship: Relationship, even though like to think I’m a bad bitch that can’t be locked down, I also need to be comfortable with a person before I can be intimate.

:: first best friend: from birth until the beginning of high school, growing apart from her was worse than any break-up I’ve ever had and I still think about how my mom held me in the car while I cried about the end of our friendship.

:: surgery: nope

:: sports i joined: I did Softball and basketball until high school, played JV volleyball for one year in the 8th grade, and then after that I was a Cheerleader.

:: do u believe in yourself: Sometimes. Recently when Fall semester ended I thought I did really poorly on my final papers, but when I presented in both classes people were really impressed. I had even started to wonder if trying to get my PhD was unrealistic. I think it was the reminder I needed that I am smart and strong and I can do most things if I set my mind to them, so I’m dedicated to believing in myself in 2020.

:: miracles: I don’t know. Maybe. I hate to take a strong stance and say no, but I’ve also never seen one.

:: love at first sight: I believe in like at first sight, but not love. Love is a verb and requires work. Love is so much more than just seeing someone, it involves looking into their soul and saying I recognize the light in you and I love it.

:: heaven: I was raised religious but idk man. It’s crazy because of how strongly I felt about this 6 years ago.

:: do u have any pets: My parents have a dog that I lived with until 6 months ago and I have a cat. I want another cat uwu.

:: do u want to change your name: No, I love my name. But my alias on here, I think about changing it all the time.

:: what did u do for your last birthday: I went out with my friends, and did really cute makeup, and was really feeling myself.

:: what time did u wake up today: I got to sleep in since I had the day off, so 10:00 am.

:: what were u doing last night at midnight: Sleeping my dude, I passed out at like 10:00 pm

:: something i can’t wait for: my whole life I’ve been waiting to live the life I want to live, and I know this is a sad thing to say, but I still feel that way. It’s hard to change my mentality, but I’m very future focused.

:: last time u saw your mum: AHHH recently! My parents came up last week and I got to see them for the first time since November, and my mom cried WHEN SHE WALKED INTO MY APARTMENT

:: what is one thing u wish u could change about your life: I wish I could finally make a solid group of friends where I currently live, but I am very nervous about it and I don’t put myself out there ooof I also would like to stop procrastinating the things I want to do like my YouTube channel and I want to stop being depressed and I want to go to NYC more often

I’d like to tag…. @strawbxxymilk @honiboyyoon @helpitskpop @sketchguk

#I love to ramble and these tag games always prove that sorry #Moots #tag you're it #about b

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

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What weird food combinations do you enjoy? I’m willing to experiment mayonnaise with most food. I also dip my fries in hot fudge sundae and because I’m Filipino I have to have my fried chicken paired with banana ketchup. Where do you get your news? Usually from the Twitter and Facebook handles of my go-to news outlets. My dad is also the only one who turns on the TV in the dining area so whenever he’s home and watches the evening news I get to hear the reports as well. What social stigma does society need to get over? HIV/AIDS, dating or marrying the same sex, tattoos... even breastfeeding is a fucking stigma lmao. So many people are babies. What is the best/worst prank that you've played on someone? I hate being the victim of pranks so I never pull them on anyone. What was the last photo you took? My dog jumping up to ask for food last night.

What makes you roll your eyes every time you hear it? Lately our president has been wanting to give nightly addresses on TV every midnight so when I hear another announcement from the government I just roll my eyes because I know it’s gonna be another hour-long speech that not only has absolutely zero substance to it, but made everyone unnecessarily stay up that late. What are you currently worried about? I’m worried about my remaining academic requirements. With the suspension of online classes and the lockdown being extended until April 30 (which is virtually the end of the semester), I have no idea what’s gonna become of our academic calendar and my grades – and the status of my graduation.

A notable school in the country already mass-promoted (read: passed) all their students and is planning to give tuition fee refunds since only two months of the sem were used. It’s honestly the most responsible thing to do for now and I hope all other universities follow suit.

Do you think aliens exist? I believe we aren’t the only ones alive out here but I also don’t think they look like the creatures books or movies have made them out to be. What mythical creature do you wish actually existed? Meh, was never a fan of anything mythical/mythological. What are you interested in that most people aren't? Pro wrestling. In my 15 years of being a fan I’ve only found literally a handful of people (at least who are also Filipino) who shared the same passion or amount of interest as I have. It’s just never been a popular topic or fanbase here so I never get to bring it up – and I’m afraid to bring it up because people seem to judge anyone still into wrestling these days. What's the most ridiculous thing you have bought? My most pointless purchase was a pink bar of soap with lettering that says “Gay Bar.” It’s a novelty item at best and I never needed to buy it, but I had money that day so I did and now it’s gathering dust in one of my drawers. What sounds hit you with major nostalgia every time you hear them? The PS1 start-up noise is a big candidate. If given the oppurtunity to open a museum, what kind would you create? They have museums about everything now, so I think it’d be a good idea to turn to my roots and make an ancestral house instead and have it in our home province. My family has a rich history and it’d be a waste if we allowed ourselves to forget. When was the last time you immediately regretted what you said? I think last night? We were having pork belly bought from outside for dinner and I was talking about how good it tasted and that it was the best thing I’ve had in a while. I forgot my dad has been cooking us a different meal every single day since the quarantine started and they all have tasted amazing as well. After I realized what I said I felt like shit and immediately downplayed the pork belly so that he didn’t feel left out. What's the silliest thing you've seen someone get upset about? My mom is a champion of this list lmao, there’s so much stupid shit she’s thrown a fit over. The most ridiculous one happened last year when my sister sprained her ankle and my mom would not help her walk around and even walked faster than the rest of us. It was like she was purposely leaving us behind, which confused and pissed me off. Anyway I was left assisting Nina as she hobbled on. Eventually I caught up to my mom and asked her to slow down and to be with us and to help my sister walk. Apparently it was enough to piss her off and the whole ride home she was yelling at me and legitimately sobbing about how humiliated she was when I called her out because she thinks people overheard and are judging her for it. I mean if you’re afraid of getting judged isn’t that proof you know you did something shitty?

The sermon also turned personal and she started screaming about how I was a horrible daughter and that I’ve never done anything right, and that I was a disappointment, and that I was straying further from God everyday and she could see the horns growing on my head. How’s that for abusive? What was the best thing that happened to you today? I finally finished the level I’ve been stuck on in Mario Kart 8 and now I’m officially done with the game. I’ve never finished any video game before so it feels pretty bitching!!!!!!!!! Do you consider yourself a good cook? I don’t even consider myself a cook. What's the dumbest thing someone has argued with you about? ^ The thing I just talked about, even though it wasn’t technically an argument because my mom didn’t let me talk throughout.

The next dumbest thing I could think of is probably when my grown-ass aunt fought me back when I was 13 on whether Beyoncé lip-syncs or not. It was a random family discussion and I was just talking about how much I like Beyoncé and she not only stole my thunder by picking a fight with me, but she also made me feel bad about something I loved lol. She was so insistent that she lip-syncs and was so hungry for an argument, I didn’t understand why?????? so I just dropped it and rolled my eyes at my dad. IT’S SO DUMB RIGHT What did you google last? Information I needed for an article I’m currently writing. What fashion trend makes you cringe or laugh everytime you see it? Skirts paired with either denim jeans or leggings, and short vests. All the Disney stars wore them and it was the epitome of fashion for us at the time aaaahhhhhhahahahahaha. What's your favorite holiday movie? LOVE ACTUALLY. For sure. I’d also say It’s A Wonderful Life but it has some very low points that ruins the Christmas-yness for me. How ambitious are you? I’m pretty ambitious and also a bit of a perfectionist, but I’m also aware of my limits and I don’t always jump onto tasks feeling confident. I know what I’m capable of so if I’m faced with something I know other people can be better at, I’ll consciously be less ambitious at it cos I usually let my insecurity get in the way. What was the biggest realization you have had about yourself? As someone who’s always thrived on being an introvert, the last few months and years have taught me that I CAN talk to people if I have to? And they’re not scary? I had little hope for myself prior to my internship - but it ended up being fun and I met a lot of awesome new people. I also never thought I’d get to write articles solely because I hate interviewing people - but my sources have all been nothing but nice to me. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve always doubted my ability to talk to people and dive in to unfamiliar scenarios, but when I do either it’s always turned out to be great experiences for me.

What topic could you spend forever talking about? If we’re going for what’s been the most recent hot topic, it would be the government’s incompetence in dealing with COVID-19 so far. Which way should toilet paper hang, over or under? Over. What word is a lot of fun to say? I dunno. I don’t think of words in terms of how fun they are to say. Maybe curse words? HAHAHA If you didn't have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time? Assuming the internet is nothing to worry about, I’d watch all the series I’ve long planned on watching but can’t because Netflix does a big pull on the entire household’s connection. Are you usually early or late? Early or on time. There is no ‘late’ for me. What do you wish you knew more about? The future. Not knowing the answers to it is so irritating/boring to me. What is the most annoying question you've been asked? Asking if I go to rallies/am an activist/am part of the NPA just because of the school I come from. None of those things are bad at all, but I’ve always been annoyed at the stereotyping. How different was your life 1 year ago? I wasn’t graduating yet then. And I was OUTSIDE MOST DAYS because there wasn’t any fucking virus. What movie title best describes your life? Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, except I literally have to be stuck at home. What was the last lie you told? Telling my groupmates I had some family stuff at home to fix before getting started on our group project, but really I had to take a bath first because I wanted to feel fresh while working. It’s a minor lie, but it still made me feel bad. What type of music do you listen to? It’s usually varied but my go-to genres are indie pop, electropop, alternative rock, punk rock, *some* indie, R&B, and pop.

Are you a good listener? Yeah, it’s why I prefer to be one than a talker. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Cookies and cream or some peanut butter/chocolate concoction. Do you think you're brave? I can be. Just not about everything. What are you most grateful for in your life? The relatively comfortable life we live considering where we live. And that covers everything from the food we eat, the schools we’ve been sent to, where we get to travel (or the fact that we can travel at all), etc.

What was the worst phase in your life? My rebellious, no-one-understands-me, angsty teen phase when I was 12-13 and my time readjusting in college when I was 18-19. What is a relationship deal breaker for you? Verbal abuse. What are some things that give you complete peace of mind? Staying in coffee shops, driving at midnight, views of the skyline at night, staying on the rooftop at night and being under the stars... I just like a lot of things about the night. Would you like to explore another planet? Yesssssss. Who was your favorite cartoon character as a child? Spongebob. Cosmo from The Fairly Oddparents comes at a close second. What would you do if you were the president of your own country? Right now? I’d assure people everything was being taken care of – mass testing, support for doctors, provision of PPEs and free transportation for frontliners, making all the senators (who are all expectedly not doing anything, save for one) work their asses off, put part of the P275B fund to assist middle- and lower-class people who can’t – instead of imposing shoot-to-kill orders for the military to anyone criticizing the government or rambling about absolutely fucking nothing in nation addresses.

#survey #surveys

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modern-oedipus · 5 years ago

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Check-List for the Goals I settled for 2019

The funny mistake I’ve made earlier lead me think about what I’ve expected from 2019 when we started it. I found a list of the goals I made while we were entering the new year’s and here is a realistic evaluation of how it went.

• First of all, I wanted to manage my depressive episodes better. I wanted to have them less frequently. I wanted not to be absolutely crashed if a trigger hit me. Here’s how it went with a rough statistics (yes, because I’m a soon-to-be scientist, I actually made a graph of my own mood swings as if I am a test subject).

✔️ January was absolutely terrible for me. I had so much anxiety because of a toxic relationship and I wasn’t sure if I could ever live without that person. I failed two classes and withdraw a third one. I was super anxious about my internships. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be on the path I was and I was also having financial troubles. Also, one of my pet birds had passed away.

✔️ February was the month I truly felt like something in me was changing for the better. I felt like something clicked after the winter break— when I was, in a funny way, forbidden from consuming sugar for three days. I used to eat a lot of sugar/sweets to cope with my stress back then, to the point I still amaze at myself for not being overweight, plus size, or developing diabetes; because I really was eating too much sweets. But then I had a conversation with my father that feels unworldy, and combinated with the tree days no sugar diet and beginning of the new semester I suddenly felt like, even if I couldn’t fix everything, I could fix something. I had to start, regardless of how little. So I started by eating carefully— so significiantly less sugar consumed than I used to be, but I didn’t force it all at once. So if I were eating 3 brownies a day I decreased it step by step to 2 brownies a day, one brownie a day, and... At November 2019, it is probably a brownie once in 15 days. With even more pleasure than eating 3 brownies at once. (Don’t worry, I still let myself be free of eating whatever I want occassionally. I’m taking care of my health). Anyway. I started to hit up gym in my college for first time ever. I was so painfully inconsistent, but I knew that much was to be expected, so instead of getting angry at myself for not being a regular I just appreciated myself for going despite not being a regular.

✔️ March was a turnpoint. I decided to be bold enough to pursue my ex hobbies that I lost because of depression, one of them being writing. I’ve had a strong muse for Norman back then. I made a new account on Facebook. I knew no one, but to my luck I made so many friends. I drowned in NorRay ship with a very nice roleplay partner. I built new friendships away from the toxic partner of mine who was seriously causing a lot of damage on me. By the end of March we broke up and— surprise, my world didn’t end. I felt so refreshed, so alive, as if I was freed of my chains, and up until this day this feeling stands. I was more eager to pursue new hobbies, talk about my interests and do crazy shit instead of worrying my ex would think. I was happier. Much happier. This too, is still valid.

✔️ April was... unworldly. Because something that relates to my society happened as a big improvement and I was extremely positively surprised. This feeling is valid up to this day as well.

✔️ May... May was wild. I got kissed by a random stranger at the spring fest party. This fucking event lead me to write Conflict. Seriously. I built stronger friendships, online and offline, during this month. I felt truly connected.

✔️ June!!! June was so weird! It was my first break after one or maybe two years of depression. It was my first free holiday in which I didn’t reall feel like I was a waste of time, space, effort, money, etc. I got to walk around streets with a burden off my shoulders after so long. I got to look forward to the next days. The insecurities hit me up sometimes, but significantly less frequently, as I aimed in the beginning of the year. At this point I have had lost a good 5 kgs and had been eating very healthily too, and I was enjoying this new healthier lifestyle I adapted. This is still valid too.

Let’s examine June a little more carefully. At the end of the June I was going to go out of town to have an internship at a very prestigious university out of town. Which meant I had to stay in student dorms. I had no background about my field of internship yet. I was going to be utterly alone and I was freaking out about it. I’ve spent last week of June extremely tense because I don’t live in dorms normally and sharing a space with people and being alone at a professional place and things like doing laundry felt terrifying. But at the same time I was proud of myself because I’ve had always wondered how life would be living in a college campus, and this school I went was the best in my country equal to the university I am attending. Overall, it was prestigious and I was very excited.

Another important thing about June was that I’ve had written almost ALL of Conflict in my head with two of my roleplay partners eagerly listening to me and encouraging me whenever I plotted.

Have you noticed this?

My story was completed BEFORE I even posted.

At the end of June, a few days before I was about to leave for the internship, I had a breakdown. I had a bad breakdown. I had first draft of Conflict completed but I could never get to edit it. I could never get to post it. I didn’t even have an account. I didn’t really expect much interest in the story either, I just... I don’t know. I think I just thought, “Wow, this plot is so feelsy. I shouldn’t keep it buried in me. Maybe other people will love it too.” and I... kept Conflict waiting... for so long. Then I had a breakdown thinking I can’t do a fucking thing right and I’ll never get to post anything because I always let my “depression” take over it— which is a funny excuse because I wasn’t even depressed at June. Scared yes, but not depressed. I hate playing the victim. Objectively speaking, I wasn’t at my best but it wasn’t my worst either. Anyway. I left first chapter of Conflict linger there for a few weeks, hopeless that I could ever post.

✔️ Then comes July. I came to the internship city! It was AWESOME. I LOVED the campus, LOVED the experience, LOVED my field, and ENJOYED dorm life. I made many friends. I had roommates. I worked out more often. I went to sightseeing. I extended my network. I did A LOT of fun stuff.

On the first night I was at dorms, my two roommates were out. I didn’t know anyone yet. I had ONE night free to do anything. I was... in an awe. So I opened the documents. I looked at the pretty sight from my dorm room and I said, “Well, let’s do this.”

It was like a torture to finish that first chapter.

I had no expectations when I posted.

But oh my god, it felt like something clicked when I posted! Getting my story POSTED was a significant proof that I was SERIOUSLY moving on from the LAST traces of depression. It was something I created. It was MY productivity. It was ME. But in a way it was everyone. I felt extremely happy. Oh— did I mention Conflict is my first fanfiction?

Anyway, then I began to look forward to updating. Living in campus had it’s amazing advantages, such as no time wasted on transport, and ability to chill at coffee shops or 24/7 open library ALL NIGHT if I wanted. Which was wayyy less depressing than the environment of my house. I wrote. I felt super engaged. The simple fact that I could exist and produce something and have other people respond to it was something I could never imagine myself doing back on my depressed days. (But I could totally imagine this BEFORE I got in depression. In a way, I was back. I am still back. And I’m so grateful.)

I wasn’t only fooling around to write, though. I’ve been learning a lot. Experiencing a lot. Living a lot. It was amazing. I even binge watched Harry Potter with my roommate— and I hadn’t rewatched it before. (I had fucking forgotten that Sirius died, lmao.)

I also briefly fell in love again. It was a nice brief summer thing. Still think she’s amazing.

I need to go now, actually, so I’m abrubtly cutting this post off halfway to edit later. I don’t know what I earn by sharing this. I’m definitely not looking for attention— maybe you’ve realized it before but I give very little fucks about what people around me say (except for constructive critism). But somehow, I felt as if someone needed to see this. I don’t know that person. I don’t know who they are and when they are reading this. I just want people to know that there is an example of a girl who seriously changed a lot within span of a year by constant hard work, gentle-self-talks, and constant push-throughs even when she’s not motivated. Right now I’m far from being depressed nor suicidal, I’ve lost enough weight to dress up all bold clothes I LOVE to wear, I’ve built self-confidence, etc, as I will edit later. I just... want you all to know... even if this is not valid for everyone if you want something to happen you have to MAKE it happen. And it actually HAPPENS when you MAKE it happen. So, you don’t have to stay stuck in a bad cycle. You don’t even need a new year’s eve to do this. I started at february, see?

So do your best! I’m cheering for you!

Edit: I’m back. So point of this post was to check whether I’ve reached my goal of having less frequent depressive episodes. (Because I know I’m human and depressive episodes can hit ANYONE, so I didn’t have an unrealistic “I’ll never experience this again” expectation but I did have the expectation of “I’ll experience this maybe once or twice in a year, move on fast w/o unhealthy coping mechanisms and I’ll stay connected to LIFE instead of dissosciation” and I’ve achieved this.

A fast summary would be,

July built my self confidence at all aspects, from my hobbies to my career, my social skills to my curiosities. It was amazing.

August-September was vacation. One month of having a blissful vacation without feeling like a burden. One month of having full bliss. No depressive episodes not even once. I was regularly working out and I didn’t gain any weight even though I eat sweets and nice food everyday because of “holiday”. I went to a dietician in the end to find out my blood sugar is very healthy and my weight is normal now.

At the end of September & beginning of October I was nervous because of school, but I handled a lot better. I have done my best. I have truly done my best. I attended almost all lectures, I engaged in the material, asked all questions on my mind, went office hours, stayed active in newspaper, continued to hit up gym regularly, built more friendships, ALSO STAGED A THEATRE TEXT I HAVE WRITTEN LIKE THAT WAS AMAZING, and— and—

I don’t know, fast through November it doesn’t feel enough. I don’t know what I’ve honestly expected. But I expected to feel smarter or something, because science is hard shit. I expected better grades than this because I have honestly given it my all best. But the fact that my friends called me to reassure me made me really happy because one of my other goals was to build friendships and to think people, online and offline, check up on me makes me tear up. Especially when they are genuniely by my side as friends. It just feels so nice. So I’m feeling bittersweet.

I couldn’t lose any more weight since June, but I kept gaining/losing in some balance and I’m stable by now. My aim for February is to... lose 10 kgs in total— in a year. Which means I’ve got 4 kgs left to get rid of extra weight. I’m not really obsessed with body image, I’ve never been, but... What will I even do if I do not eat healthy and exercise? I mean, what’ll I even do? I like exercising and healthy eating. So I should just prevent stressful eating further so I can get rid of all the extra stuff. I’m already wearing all the pretty clothes I want and I do get stares because ;; idk they look cute I’m cute. Not in a narcissitic way. But self-love is important. I’m bi anyway, I do think girls are cute so since I’m a girl why shouldn’t I be cute as well?? A very feminine girl in fact, so like, hell yes, at least Nila can now wear whatever she wants and feels like she looks good on them so ONE OF THE MAJOR GOALS OF 2019 is fucking SETTLED!!

I’m planning to meet up my dietician again soon, and say that, “Look, I’ve come this far. Let’s lose 4 kgs in next 4 months. It makes 1 kg a month. Amazingly managable right? So guide me so I don’t ruin my health while thinning.”

So, I’ve managed my three major goals: Get rid of depression (learn how to burn it if it hits you); get a body you not only appreciate but feel genuniely HAPPY to be in; and built friendships and strengthen your bonds with people.

My two other major goals are incompleted, though. To cut it short, I wanted to get a better academic standing— from my first midterm grades I couldn’t really achieve that no matter how hard I tried, which is truly upsetting, but I have no choice but to go on. I love my major. I love science. I genuniely want to stay in this field. I don’t think I’m too idiotic to be a scientist. Sometimes I do think that, okay, but that’s a common thought in STEM majors. I do want to believe that what I work on will make a difference. It will have a meaning. So even though these results... are very discouraging to the point I felt really bad today, as if I could somehow, I don’t know, have a panic attack or something (I did not, I don’t have chronic anxiety or panic attacks or whatever, never experienced this). I just felt close to it, with increased heartbeat and feeling a bit dizzy and also very... imbalanced. But that’s probably because I didn’t eat well today, I unintentionally ate very little hence probably it exhausted me combined with bad news and saturday’s breakdown. Anyway. I have no choice but to go on, believing it will be better. My last major goal was to have a romantic partner, haha. Because I just want to. I mean, I don’t think I need to justify why I’d want a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and I don’t think I worked hard for this goal lol. I mean, I didn’t go out of my way to reach people. I liked like... three people this year, I still like one of them, but... It didn’t... go far. That’s probably because I still haven’t completely shaken off my shyness and unwillingness to get out of my comfort zone.

In conclusion, I have achieved 3/5 of my goals, which is more than half of it! So good job! For the girlfriend/boyfriend part, I, haha, I may neglect it for this year I mean it’s dumb to date someone just because??? You want to date before year ends right??? I mean, I’m not exactly angry at myself for that because it’s not only in my control so I think I forgive myself for not achieving that goal.

Academics though.

Ugh, academics are extremely terrifying to me.

That’s one big thing I need to settle.

On the bright side I have— two months! Silly me thought I have just one! So... let me... work hard in these two months!!!! And I’ll update if I can get a better GPA this semester. And if I get a lover. It’s ok not to have lovers but at least let me keep the GPA high I BEG you.

I’ve got new goals settled for 2020. But I will focus on achieving my last two goals before the year ends (academics mostly) and... update!

I don’t know who needs to read this. But I don’t mind having my journey posted at this point. I still feel very uncomfortable talking about depression, actually. But it was my reality. Now that I truly moved on, I can talk about it and critisize myself for all good and all bad.

I hope, to anyone who bothered to read so long, it gave some hope. That things can get better. That you CAN make things better little by little. 2020 can be your year. Or you can start on this very day like I randomly started on February (I didn’t have a thing for February, I just so happened to decide).

I’ll always be cheering those who do their best to make a difference.

Stay safe and let’s work hard. ❤️

Disclaimer: Some of my kind hearted readers were worried about me because Conflict describes unhealthy mindsets. Don’t worry— more than half of them are not based on my real life experiences! I’m not self-harming (never did, don’t think I ever will), neglecting antidepressants (I never used any actually), have suicidal tendencies (well, that part was real but no longer valid) AND I DON’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP LIKE NORMAN/PETER sO Y’ALL CAN CHILL thank you for worrying about me I love you all

And I’ll be more than happy to be your goals-buddy if you want to change something about yourself as well!!!

#nila stuff #conflict #some stuff about #new year’s goals #2019 #depression #is not permanent #i believe in u #goals #time managament #college

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eldritchsurveys · 7 years ago

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o81.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By @x-hallie-x ]] 1. When was the last time you realized something about yourself, your abilities, or your financial situation that left you feeling disappointed? >> I’m not sure. I feel like I’ve got a pretty solid perception of my financial situation, and considering it’s the best it’s been since I’ve hit adulthood, I can’t imagine being too disappointed (except when new video games come out lmao but half the time I buy them anyway because... like, I can, for once, and my brain goblins can’t prevent me from treating myself forever!). As far as my mental state is concerned, Can Calah won’t let me beat myself up about that, so entertaining any sort of disappointment in myself is out of the question.

2. Generally, are you more likely to blame others or yourself for problems you experience? >> Generally, I’m more likely to blame myself than others. But I don’t think that’s any better than blaming others. I am as much a product of my environment and the other people in my life as I am a product of whatever wild magical shit happens to make brains the way they are. I can control what I can control, but a lot of things about my life are out of my control. Finding things to place blame on really just doesn’t help me fix things, so I don’t care who’s to blame, I care how it can be fixed/helped.

3. What is one thing about your life that you don’t ever see changing, even if you might wish it would? >> I probably will never be a person that is gainfully employed or self-sufficient. And, honestly, that would hurt me more if I didn’t have someone who is gainfully employed and self-sufficient who is willing to use that for both of our benefit. I was basically convinced that everyone in this country is out for whatever they can get for themselves, and if I can’t keep up with that, then I’m not worth keeping around. I’d been convinced that people saw me as a leech who just existed to suck up all their resources, and had nothing of value to offer in return. It’s a very insidious mentality to have absorbed, but the longer I’m here, the less power it has over me, so I guess I do have her to thank for that.

4. At what point in your life have you been the most social or had the most friendships? And at which point have you been the least social? >> I guess when I lived in NYC, in general. I had a couple of persistent social circles: the Streetwork LES crew (homeless/destitute youth who went to the drop-in center on the Lower East Side called Streetwork), and the vamp scene crew (self-styled “vampyres” who participated in a big underground subculture, subdivided themselves into Houses and Clans, and threw a lot of parties). Most of those people weren’t what I’d call my friends, per se -- we were very friendly, sure, and I had a lot of good times with them, but most of those people didn’t really measure up to what I’d want out of friendship (and the rest were just casual acquaintances). I guess now is when I’ve been the least social; I know almost no one out here and the people I do know are really just... friendly acquaintances, I guess? Social-media buddies? We don’t really know things about each other, you know, like friends do... I don’t know. At this age, I don’t know how friendships form and I don’t know how to find out. The Internet is where my friends are now and I guess that’s just the way it has to be until I figure out something else (or until I move to a less socially-uptight area).

5. Do you prefer to have a few close friends or a bunch of random acquaintances? Which would describe what you have now? >> I’d like to have a mix of both. I just like to have people to be social with, in a variety of ways. Like I had in New York... Right now, I don’t know what I have. I’m kinda off this subject because it depresses me, ngl, no offence to anyone.

6. Do you journal? Generally, what do you write about? Do you find it helpful to get your thoughts out that way, or do you prefer another form of self-expression? >> I used to journal. I used to be really into journalling. But I guess, instead of trying to stick to the same practices I used to do, maybe I ought to recognise that my instinct to journal has been diverted into other forms of media -- like keeping a tumblr, and taking surveys. These all exist as records of my life -- as proof that I was here, that I existed, that these things happened to me. The internet enables me to keep a multimedia record of my existence, and that’s actually more than I could expect from just one paper journal, or whatever. Journalling (on various journal sites especially) was indeed a helpful way for me to get my thoughts out, but I guess now I just talk to Can Calah instead. I think I got put off writing my thoughts down because my instinct is to keep stuff like that public, because it’s all me and I am an open book, but then people (not just one person, either, this is just a thing people do in general, and I guess it’s understandable but oh my god) would get upset about stuff later and it’d just get messy. So I got put off being emotional on the internet because it backfired on me a lot lmao. I’m working on getting over it.

7. Do you like eating foods that other people have cooked for you, or do you prefer to have control over your meals? >> I do like eating food that other people have cooked for me -- as long as it’s food I like. And as long as it isn’t like... some kind of social trap. Like, I was annoyed with Sparrow’s mother for a few months because she wasn’t respecting my boundaries and always had some stupid shit to say about me to Sparrow and I don’t play that fucking shit. So I basically stopped being nice to her. And she kept trying to do stuff like... like Easter dinner, she made it “Southern-style” and made collards and banana pudding and shit. And like, this is a Midwestern White(tm) we’re talking about. That’s not the kind of stuff she naturally makes for any occasion. And she told Sparrow that she’d asked around (I guess at her job??? or something?) about what Black people eat on holidays??? And Sparrow’s like “but you could have just asked Logan if there was any dishes he wanted to be served”. Like, it’s not fucking rocket science, I’m right here. But she’ll always do shit like that, trying to ingratiate herself, when it’s not that fucking hard!!!! Don’t touch me, don’t talk about me to my fiancée behind my back, and ask me things directly!!!! WOW! SO HARD! (Also, the banana pudding was a fucking miss because bananas are one of like 3 foods on this entire planet that I don’t like. Which... she would have known... if she’d asked me first. But no, it was just all “oh I did this, I did that, he’s not grateful” bitch I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS. STOP IT.) Anyway, shit like that I hate. But people making food for me in general is great, because I hate cooking.

8. Have you ever been somewhere and REALLY didnt like a food that you were expected to eat? How did you deal with this? Are you someone who is likely to suck it up and be polite or refuse and save your taste buds? >> Yeah, that same Easter holiday I just mentioned. The collards were terrible, the fish was meh, and everything else was food I don’t care for (cheesy potatoes and that kinda starch-heavy fare). So I basically drank wine and played on my phone the whole time. As you can see, politeness is not something I feel compelled to give if I don’t want to.

9. What is one way in which you compare yourself to others? In this comparison, do you regard yourself as better or worse off than the people to whom you usually do the comparing? >> Well, I compare myself to other fanwriters a lot, because it’s something I can’t help. I don’t think I’m a bad writer. I’ve been writing literally all of my conscious life, and I’ve watched myself progress. I’m generally pretty fair about my strengths and weaknesses in writing. When my confidence is where it’s supposed to be, and I’ve been writing often, I turn out some pretty good shit. I like my work. But my confidence took a big hit at some point lately, and I’m not sure why. All I know is that I feel like my offerings to fandom are like... boring to people, or not interesting enough, or??? I don’t know. And I feel like I don’t have any stories worth telling anymore. These are all feelings and really not based in any sort of reality, because my friends and partner tell me they like my work and my OCs, and tumblr as a whole is so astoundingly saturated with fanwork that the lack of interest most likely has nothing to do with my content and more to do with the fact that the market is full up and people don’t have time. I know all that, but when I sit down and go “okay, self, let’s write a fic”, all these mental blocks land in my path and I get too tired to deal with it and just scroll my dash instead. I don’t know what to do, but I guess I’ll just truck along until something in me changes. :/

10. What is something you’ve been particularly grateful for lately? >> That while my thanatophobia is nowhere near fixed, it’s been a little quieter lately. I’ve been able to sleep, and being able to sleep makes a lot of other things more manageable by default, so it’s like an ouroboros (in this case, a good one; but when I can’t sleep then it becomes a terrible one, lol). I’m using the lull to try to install some better programming, some less spiral-y thought patterns, that sort of thing. I don’t know if it’s helping, but I’ve literally got more to gain than I stand to lose, so.

11. What kind of change or opportunity would be the biggest help in your life right now? >> A therapist. But... like, one I feel like I can build a relationship with, not one who I dread seeing (which has been every therapist I’ve ever had). But like, besides just the benefit to my mental health... the clock is really ticking; recertification for SSI will most likely be happening within the next year and I have no psych team. How will they know how to judge my case if I’m not in any kind of treatment? That’s how people end up cut off. :T

12. Is there one emotion that you experience more often than any other? Is there an emotion you rarely ever experience? >> I experience amusement most often, probably. If that’s an emotion. An emotion I rarely experience is... shame? Most likely.

13. How mature would you say you are? What qualities do you think make a person mature? >> I don’t know how to gauge maturity, least of all my own. What is my basis for comparison? Adulthood as it is in modern USian society is a crock, most of the time -- the way people understand it is all kinds of flawed. What are our passage rites? Who are our elders? Where do we learn how to be a productive member of our community (and not just a cog in the capitalist machine)? The people we look up to are often no better off than we are. Individualism as a social standard (as opposed to the understanding of oneself as an individual) and the division of the community structure has ruined our ability to understand ourselves in relation to other people properly. What is maturity, in a society like this? What is my role in my society, and how well am I fulfilling it? What have I learned about life, and how much of it is truly worth knowing and passing on? Questions, questions, questions.

14. When was the last time you believed there might be something seriously medically wrong with you? What was the ultimate diagnosis? >> I mean, I always think my body’s about to fall apart, even though I’m aware that’s illogical and just a byproduct of thanatophobia. I don’t think I’ve ever thought anything was seriously medically wrong with me, because generally nothing is.

15. What is one illness you are afraid of having? Do you know anyone who has faced this illness? >> Anything that involves degeneration of the brain (Alzheimer’s and the sort). And no, I don’t know anyone personally with anything like that.

16. How do you tend to behave when you’re sick? What kinds of things do you like people to do for you, if anything, to help you feel better? >> I’m so rarely ill that I’m not even sure, lmao. I think it’d depend on what kind of sick I am, because different illnesses require different methods of care.

17. If you’re someone who rarely eats breakfast, is there a reason for this? If you do usually eat breakfast, are there any other meals you avoid or skip for any reason, and why so? >> I mean, I eat when I’m hungry, and I don’t care what the time of day is (as long as it’s not too close to bedtime). So I don’t really label my meals using “breakfast”, “lunch”, and so on.

18. When was the last time you did something you were proud of? Were other people proud of you as well? Does it matter to you whether or not other people care about your accomplishments, or is your own satisfaction enough? >> Probably finishing some questline in a video game. And no, I mean, I didn’t really tell anyone or anything. It’s not really an important thing. Woo, big deal, video games, who cares.

19. What is your least favorite thing about the season you’re currently experiencing? Are you okay with most types of weather, or are you only happy under certain conditions? >> I don’t like sweating or feeling lethargic because of heat / humidity. I’m usually okay with most types of weather as long as they’re not extreme, but if there are long stretches of cloudy / rainy days I feel pretty diminished and gloomy-doomy.

20. Have you made any changes to your style or “look” lately? How often do you change your appearance, hairstyle, fashion, etc? Or is it a pretty constant thing? >> No, not really. I don’t know what to change. My executive function when it comes to appearance is like... in negative integers. I just... I lost the knack for it. Whatever.

21. What are some things you do to feel pampered? >> I’m not sure I ever feel pampered, lmao. I tried to think about it and I just got this tangled ball of wires regarding like, stuff I can’t even explain quickly, so I’m just gonna move on.

22. What was the last thing you felt hopeful about? Do you think there’s a good chance of whatever-it-is working out in your favor, or not so much? >> Well, the last thing I felt hopeful about was getting out to see The Equalizer 2 today, and then the whole debit card thing happened, so I actually had my hopes dashed. And all because I did what I was supposed to do! But doing what I was supposed to do means that now I have to wait for a new debit card, which means I can’t go to the movies today (I can’t get to the bank and just get cash, which is what the lady on the phone said to do! I don’t fucking drive!!!). So, you know. Right now I’m just focusing on salvaging my day and my mood.

23. In what ways are you prone to black and white thinking? In what ways do you see more in terms of color or gray? >> I don’t know, I’m mostly a grey person by necessity or by design or whatever. Sometimes I’ll think “I’m a complete fucking idiot” because I did one dumb thing, or something, but like... it’s just because I’m upset about the one thing and can’t properly process that one thing at the moment without like, making a mountain out of it. That’s why I just try to distract myself until the feeling passes, because that’s the only way to get my brain to move on.

24. Are there types of people you will simply never understand (not necessarily ~empathize with) no matter how hard you might try? Are there people you seem to understand almost immediately? >> Well, yeah, definitely. I mean, I can’t possibly understand everyone. I don’t expect myself to, either. I guess I understand people who are like me? Like, that’s logical, right? I don’t know.

25. When was the last time you tried something you’ve never tried before? How likely are you to break from your routine and try new things? >> The only thing I can think of recently is playing Journey, because I’d never played that before. I don’t know how often I try new things, especially since a lot of “trying new things” involves either money I don’t have or access I don’t have.

26. Have you ever “recovered” from anything? What does “recovery” mean or look like to you? >> I don’t think so. I think mental recovery is a long-term shifting of paradigms and changing of perspective that can only be truly comprehended in retrospect. I think in that respect, I’ll be recovering for a long time. This is why I prefer the small-scale focus rather than the wide-scale focus, because using the wide-scale focus too much makes everything feel bleak and futile -- we may have a more complex consciousness and a more complex understanding of time and space, but I think exercising that cosmic viewpoint frequently can be really taxing on the brain (which manifests in things like existential despair, thanatophobia, etc). So instead of thinking about “recovery”, I think about being good to myself today. And that’s that.

27. What are some ways your childhood differed from those of others around you? Do you think this difference was harmful or advantageous in the long run? >> Hm. I was raised as a “gifted child” with all the ridiculous bullshit that entailed. I was sheltered to an absurd degree for a modern child (like, I didn’t watch cartoons and didn’t know what actual video games [as opposed to computer games] were until I was almost an adult). I didn’t make my first friend until sixth grade, and I was so socially undeveloped that I ended up losing her before the year was out. I didn’t know how to talk to people, I was sullen and withdrawn, I lived in my headspace and didn’t bother with the actual world around me. My curiosity as a child was severely blunted by alienation (I guess I’m making up for that lack of curiosity now, huh). I was pretty obviously not a normal child, but no one could see that?? Or didn’t care?? As long as I got good grades and didn’t cut up in class, no one cared about my development, I guess. I think the nature of my childhood didn’t do me any favours, but I also think that I’ve done the best I could with what I had (which wasn’t much). I eventually had to teach myself socialisation by observation, for example, and I think I did a decent enough job. I can’t blame my parent and the adults around him for my stunted development forever. Now it’s my responsibility.

28. What is one thing you are really good at compared to most people? What about one thing you are really bad at compared to others? >> I really don’t know how to determine this. I think it’s too easy to judge oneself unfairly in comparison to other people, so I try not to do it on purpose, you dig.

29. Do you think people are “all good” or “all bad”? What would make someone qualify as “bad” or “good” to you, or do you simply not think in those terms? >> No, I don’t think that. I don’t even think of people in terms of “bad” or “good”, unless we’re literally playing a Fable game where you have an actual “good/evil” meter. Even then, I’ve spent most of my time in that fandom unpacking that stupid fucking spectrum and writing the characters with the nuance they deserve. So, you know. I’m pretty sick of good/evil or good/bad as a whole. People are people, and that’s that on that.

30. When was the last time you did something out in nature? Do you notice a dip in your mood when you don’t get enough of the Great Outdoors? >> I guess that’d be on the Fourth, when we went to Creekside Park to eat lunch. I... really don’t spend a whole lot of time outside anymore, and I think it’s directly related to how much I don’t like where I live. I’ve tried on many occasions to be more enthusiastic about something, anything, about Grand Rapids, Michigan, and I really fucking can’t. I can’t do it. And I’m tired of trying to make myself do it. So now I just don’t do shit. Which isn’t any better, I know. I’m just trying to make do, here.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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cntcrtainmcnt-blog · 7 years ago

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lmao never trust my words when i say no more muses. so anyway, under the cut are brief intros.

ABIGAIL MACQUEEN looks an awful lot like VICTORIA JUSTICE. SHE is TWENTY-THREE and while they’re DETERMINED, they have a tendency to get pretty PASSIVE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to SOLITAIRE by MARINA&THE DIAMONDS.

so i can definitely see how she resembles victoria’s character on eye candy. i actually created that muse before and then when the show came out, i modified it to look similar.

Older of two, she’s always been very energetic and outgoing. And very very damn good with computers.

When she was 16, her younger sibling went missing, and she started developing her hacking skills to try and track her online activity to find her.

But she never did, at least no in time, since they found the body of her younger sister washed up on some shore on the East Coast two months later.

She decided to not let it stop her, and decided to use her skills to actually help others who might need it. So she opened some sort of underground business, and gets paid to hack for people(as long as it’s not like... government, or the person isn’t meaning any harm by it).

Buuuuuut she got caught, although they gave her some kind of second chance. She’d be free, as long as she decided to use her hacking skills to help cyber crimes rather than doing illegal jobs. So now she’s a hacker for cyber crimes in Kola(which is where she grew up btw).

ARINA KOLOSOVA looks an awful lot like NATALIE DORMER. SHE is THIRTY-TWO and while they’re SUAVE, they have a tendency to get pretty VINDICTIVE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to YOU DON’T OWN ME by DUSTY SPRINGFIELD.

Born and raised in Moscow, both her parents worked for an underground agency, think something similar to Kingsman, but with a Black Widow twist.

While her childhood was fine, when she became older, her parents started training her to become the perfect agent.

They became harsher on her, often depriving her of a real meal or even bed sheets at night when she wasn’t doing good in her training.

It was becoming a lot to deal with, but she knew better than to go against her parents. So she just tried harder and harder in trainings until they judged she was old and skilled enough to pass the entrance test for the agency.

Which she did, she aced it. While Arina never really thought about doing the same job her parents did, she did have a job now, at 21, so why give it up?

But it was underground, not very legal, and so they got busted when she was 24. She wasn’t there when they showed at the HQ, but her mother was, and she destroyed all files linking to Arina before the authorities saw them.

Due to her parents being arrested and her job not existing anymore, she managed to get a visa to move to the states for political protection.

She landed in Kola, and joined a biker’s gang, which is the best thing she did in her life.

Due to being deprived of meals often when she was younger, she now has a very large appetite, although she does burn off all excess by training.

Probably gets paid to help people get revenge on whoever did them wrong.

ARWEN DAE SHEEN looks an awful lot like ARDEN CHO. SHE is TWENTY-NINE and while they’re FUN-LOVING, they have a tendency to get pretty CLUMSY. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to WEIRD PEOPLE by LITTLE MIX.

Dae was born in Korea, but before she was even 5, her parents were targetted for a crime they did not comit, but the culprit created false proofs, so they had to flee the country.

They landed in England for a few years, building a new life. And by doing so, they all changed their names. They didn’t want to be traced back, although they did keep their last names. She was only 5 though and would only come up with random names, so her parents named her after a character from their favorite book series.

Her father later on got a job offer in Kola, California, so the family moved there. Arwen was probably about 8-9.

And she’s been in Kola since, and doesn’t plan on moving out, since she fell in love with the town.

She currently works as an elementary school teacher, as well as a fencing instructor by night.

CARSON MCALLISTER looks an awful lot like ALEXANDER KOCH. HE is TWENTY-SEVEN and while they’re IDEALISTIC, they have a tendency to get pretty DERANGED. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to WICKED by BOY EPIC.

My fucked up son I haven’t played in ages.

Son of the police chief in Kola, and a high school teacher, who sadly passed away giving birth to him.

His father was not a good man. Carson grew up seeing him bring in women, at first acting like a true gentleman, until he became abusive with them and they left. And that did rub on him with time.

During high school, he fell in love with this girl, she was the light of his life. They were together for nearly 5 years, before they broke up. He was training to become a police officer like his dad, and she felt their paths were diverging.

He... did not take it, and locked her up in one of the rooms of his very large house. His father working crazy hours and that room being empty, never realized it until a few weeks later. A missing notice person was filled, and his father suspected him. The house was searched, they found the girl, and Carson was arrested.

He did time, and is only coming out of jail now, has no job, probably couch surfing since his father won’t talk to him.

Still wants his ex back tbfh.

GENESIS FERRER looks an awful lot like ZOE SALDANA. SHE is THIRTY-SEVEN and while they’re LOYAL, they have a tendency to get pretty OPINIONATED. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to SORRY NOT SORRY by DEMI LOVATO.

Her parents moved to the states before she was born. But they later on got deported, although since she was born there, she was placed in foster care. (would’ve much rather prefered to be taken with her parents)

Was intentionally bad with all foster families because she was salty. She’s always been kind of a brat.

After graduating, she started studying management, while also working as a part time security guard at the mall.

One thing lead to another, and when she graduated, Genesis decided to start her own security company. So now she owns a company, who people basically employ to guard their buildings, malls, shops, zoo, whatever.

Was never able to get a serious relationship because she’s very distant with people. BUT I SWEAR SHE HAS LOVE TO GIVE.

Also I’m making her a green alien in the future verse because I CAN.

MADELEINE STOKES looks an awful lot like KYLIE BUNBURY. SHE is TWENTY-SEVEN and while they’re CHARISMATIC, they have a tendency to get pretty JUDGEMENTAL. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to BO$$ by FIFTH HARMONY.

This character was originally an April Pearson fc? But she has like no good resources? So here we have the lovely Kylie instead.

Filthy rich family, she was spoiled to death. And it got to her head. But her parents also thought her that she’ll have to work for her own money when she’s older.

Queen Bee all through her school career. People looked up to her, but also feared what she could do.

Currently works as weather girl for the local channel.

That character was also originally inspired by Regina George, so she does keep a Burn Book, which she’s had since high school, and still adds stuff to it.

MARGARET BALDWIN looks an awful lot like DAISY RIDLEY. SHE is TWENTY-FIVE and while they’re METICULOUS, they have a tendency to get pretty INDIVIDUALISTIC. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to CAN’T BE TAMED by MILEY CYRUS.

Daughter of Gustav, he used her as one of his test subjects.

When it got debunked, her mother and her changed identities, and while it did mess with her head, it was nothing compared to her mom.

It wasn’t much later that her mom had to be sent to a psychiatric rehab center, and is still there. As for Nicoline Margaret, her neighbour was kind enough to take her in for as long as it might take.

They already had two kids, so she grew up with two people she now considers her siblings.

She always did good in school, but was horrible at following simple rules and orders. So after graduating, she went into journalism and is now an investigative journalist.

She hates her dad, and wished he would still be in jail. Actually erased him from her life and didn’t even know he was out until she went to see her mom and she mentioned he visited her.

She’s very bad at relationships but I swear if you bring me John Boyega, Adam Driver and/or Oscar Isaac, as exes, current crushes, FWB, or whatever you can think of, I will forever love you.

#fckit:intro #death tw #abuse tw #kidnapping tw

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taesthetes · 7 years ago

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tag games.

alright, let’s do this-- i just realized i had like five tag games in my likes, but they’re pretty similar so i’ll do two of them :D

game number one.

tagged by this sunshine @rosaetae ♡

appearance:

hmm alright so i’m 5 foot 7 or 170 cm, and i weigh 125 lbs, which is 57 kg i think? my hair almost reaches my butt, but i definitely need to get it trimmed. i had red dip dye earlier, but the color faded, so it’s like an ombre now. i’m vietnamese, and i’m on the paler side in my family. i think my lips are pretty full, and my eyes are large? or at least that’s what my relatives all tell me. and i have a dimple on my left cheek! and i sometimes have those tiny hobi dimples. um i’ll be posting a selfie tag right after this, so you’ll actually see my face then lmao

personality:

i’m an introverted extrovert! meaning, i am very social, i enjoy meeting new people and making friends in all my classes, but at the same time, i don’t divulge a lot of information about myself LOL i go to parties and stuff usually once a week, and i socialize a lot there, but in my mind, i’m just thinking about going back to my bed and binging criminal minds or the great british baking show. one of my friends actually told me that before she even got to judge me the first time she saw me, i already introduced myself and started talking to her akdhfsa so i’m very outgoing, loud, and sarcastic, and i’d like to think of myself as hilarious too. i try to be nice to everyone and am usually very chill, but if someone is super rude, then oh boy, i will go off on them

ability:

art!!! i love art with all my heart, and i’d like to say that i’m decent at it since i’m pursuing a minor in studio arts. i’d like to think i have athletic ability as well since i played three different sports and did cheerleading and four types of dances when i was younger. oh, and i’ve played the piano for sixteen years and the drums! also the recorder because that was mandatory in middle/junior high school lmao and i’m also very good at mental math. as for linguistics, i can communicate in english, spanish, and vietnamese.

hobbies:

studio arts is a big one, so drawing, painting, stamp carving, stenciling, etc. i also really love cooking and baking, but i don’t like eating the sweets. i just give whatever i bake to my friends and family lol and i gym five times a week, so does that count as a hobby? i also love sleeping, reading books, and binging crime shows

relationships:

not interested. my friends and i downloaded tinder for fun, and we just like to comment on the profiles. the total of people i have swiped right for in the whole year i’ve had my tinder is a whopping total of 11 (and 3 of those were dogs), and i always unmatch after the third message. i just ask my matches what food places they’d rec and that’s it. unmatch straight afterwards asdkfjasdh

random stuff:

kim taeyeon is the center of my universe, kim jisoo is the ultimate goddess, kim taehyung owns my heart, and nct dream can run me over with those bikes in go and i’d thank them and give them all my money in my bank account.

game number two.

tagged by this cutie patootie @minigguk ♡

1. Which BTS song means the most to you?

no more dream because it’s the first mv i ever saw of them when i got into kpop four years ago, and i really contemplated using suga’s “i wanna big house, big car, and big rings, but i don’t have any big dreams” as my senior yearbook quote.

2. How do you feel about astrology?

well, personally, i think it’s a bunch of hooey because all the descriptions and whatnot that are for each sign is written to be broad enough that it feels personal if that makes sense? like i can read the stuff for another sign that isn’t mine and can still feel that it applies to me. but do i still read my horoscopes and look for my sign in astrology posts? heck yeah i do

3. Do you think ghosts exist?

maybe? i need real life experience as proof to actually believe, not those grainy videos with what looks like dust particles floating around

4. What’s your favorite instrument?

the piano! i have a love-hate relationship with it though because i love listening to piano music, but i hate playing it myself

5. Who was the last person to make you really smile?

my mom :’) i was showing her snapchat filters and she got so excited, and she wanted me to take lots of her pics with them and text them all to her

6. What do you do when you feel vulnerable?

idk probably sleep? can’t be vulnerable when you’re unconscious. actually wait, you are physically vulnerable if some serial killer is after you and you’re sleeping, but feelings wise, sleep makes that vulnerability go away

7. What is the last dream you had?

LOL omg okay so i told this dream to an and mel, but like i was doing some survival competition and i had to climb trees and check under rocks and all this stuff in the jungle to find these clues, which were hand written on binder paper and sealed in plastic bags. i already had one clue, and i knew the other people competing had zero, so heck yeah, i’m on top!!! but anyway, i stumble onto the remains of a plane crash site and i’m sifting through everything and i find some good stuff, like a compass, but then, i get to this locked cabinet thing and i can’t get it to open and taeyong comes out of nowhere??? and first in my mind, i’m kinda like is he here to steal my clues /: but he actually helps me open the cabinet and looks through stuff, and then i find the clue in one of the bags, and i’m like oh do you want to see it too? and taeyong is just like it’s up to you if you want to share! it’s your clue! :D and he just leaves??? like wow WHAT A NICE MAN but also i better gather some weapons in case he tries to ambush me later

also the weapons are definitely needed because after seeing taeyong, i’m thinking i’m probably competing against everyone in nct and i trust none of them, except maybe taeyong, mark, and jeno. also taeyong’s face was like six inches away from mine at one point, and wow how does someone look that good even in the middle of a dirty jungle? i’m jealous

8. Are you a nature person?

maybe? i absolutely adore flowers, and i like hiking in the mornings with my parents during the summer

9. What’s your favorite thing to do to relieve stress?

sleep LOL. eat ice cream and binge my favorite tv shows

10. Do you have any other blogs you’d like people to check out?

yes check out everyone i tag in this thing!!

11. Marvel, DC, or neither?

marvel!

12. What do you want out of 2018?

a good gpa, my driver’s license, good health

13. Do you hold grudges?

i don’t have the time nor energy to care that long about someone who upset me

14. Who is your favorite Disney hero/heroine?

mulan!!! i also really like peter pan and tiana. as a child, i adored cinderella

15. Do you consider yourself a positive person?

hmm, i’d say i’m positive to a certain extent? i don’t want to give false hope though, so i usually tell things as it is as nicely as possible. so i’m a balance of realistic and positive.

16. What is something you love that’s underrated?

um idk what’s considered underrated, does nct count

17. What is your dream job?

gordon ramsey’s job :D

18. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

right now, i really wanna be the protagonist in that stereotypical rom com movie and live to nyc but i don’t want the dude / love interest that comes with it

19. When was the last time you faced a fear and how did it go?

two weeks ago, i faced my final for my financial accounting class which was taught by a masters professor, who explicitly told us that he taught this undergrad class the exact same way as his masters class for financial accounting because he only teaches one undergrad class a year. the final was 30 pages long of one continuous problem. it was full of calculations and writing up journal entries, and i managed to get an A- in that class.

20. Which would you prefer to read: poetry, fiction, or non-fiction?

currently? poetry!

21. Where do you feel most at ease?

when i’m at home

i tag these lovely people for one or both of these tag games: @kidguk ; @jimlingss ; @kthartics ; @minigguk ; @rosaetae ; @kingdomtae ; @milknotes ; @vantae ; @cheelchan ; @1rapmon ♡

#tag game #thank you for tagging me!!

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ilegnangeli · 4 years ago

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Random May Thought #1

I think I may have forgotten how to properly write an entry on Tumblr. Much features have changed since I last posted here. If it weren’t for Instagram’s connect to Tumblr feature, I wouldn’t have updated this blog in years. Last I posted was a picture of my penmanship in Mandarin. I was still a student in China back then. And well now, I am back to the mothership.

Two years ago, COVID-19 didn’t exist. Oh wait, it did, they just hadn’t named it yet or they haven’t discovered it yet (I actually remember they used to call it nCoV). Two years ago, I was still lying in my bed in my spacious dorm room probably wondering why time flew so fast. Two years ago, I was a completely different person. I had plans two years later, you know. Plans that got soiled. I didn’t think I would still be here. I should be experiencing spring elsewhere and yet I’m basking in the scorching heat of summer in the Republic of the Philippines. Not that I’m complaining. Alright, fine, I am.

Life has been pretty tough lately. I think I wrote the same thing in one of my book reviews in Goodreads. After reading that book by Paul Kalanithi, I became more aware of how finite life is. I’ve always loved books that sorta ended in tragedies (maybe it’s the masochist in me lmao). But reading a memoir of someone who suffered a similar fate to those fictional characters I’ve read before, reading through his personal struggle made me think about how life—at the end of it all—is truly fragile.

I also read through my old entries in here. I laughed at some. I smiled at some. I sorta became sad after reading some entries. But I’m glad I wrote. Now, I’m feeling like continuing this thing I do often when I’m overwhelmed by life: writing. There’s a sense of bittersweetness to reading your old diary or journal entries for the world to see. Two nights ago, I dug through my old notebooks and read some of my written entries in there. Ten, nine, eight years ago versions of me who loved writing and sharing her thoughts on pages of now worn-out notebooks. Again, I’m glad I wrote.

Writing is probably something I’m not really best at but I’m good at. And suffice to say, I enjoy it. I love writing and it’s probably going to be the end of me. Funny how going back home, here in the mountains of Rizal, transforms me into a sentimental freak. The life in the city is probably the most ideal, future-focused lifestyle but the old soul in me will always go back and try to rekindle the sad and happy memories of the past.

Right now, I’m sat at the end of my bed. With a laptop. Typing these random thoughts. I see my piano on the left. I see my bookshelves right in front of me. And I see my luggage, to my right, that I haven’t used since I got back from China (I didn’t use this for my trip to Japan, I used a smaller one lmao).

I leafed through the pages of my old planner. It was the planner I used for my final year in university. I saw this “Dream Board” that I ever so creatively put together using cutouts from magazines, stickers, and sticky notes. I wrote there that I would make films, music, and literature. Funny how those “dreams” became reality. One by one. I also remember listing down the places I’d always wanted to visit in that planner. I remember writing all the countries that I would, one day, visit. And by some weird miracle, I’ve ticked off so many of those places. Well, except Amsterdam (because damn, the Netherlands is so far away). But don’t worry self, we’ll get there. Eventually. Lmao.

My dream board was extended to the next page where I listed down so many things that I would save up for. Teenage me would be proud of herself because ten years later, she has owned that John Green book collection (she now even has at least three versions of each book John Green has published, I know that’s ridiculous but please stop judging me lol), she has also owned two MacBooks (an Air in 2015 and a Pro in 2020), she has bought a digital piano (God, I srsly am in love with this piano, teenage me would cry out of joy I swear), and she has travelled to a lot of her dream destinations and countries. Teenage me would be so proud of who she has become. I seriously sighed as I typed that last line.

Ten years. Feels like an entire lifetime ago. I didn’t think life would be this fast-paced. I mean, thanks technology but boohoo because here I am, somehow struggling, asking myself every single day, hour, minute why adulting has to be this difficult. I sorta blame my teenage self because, she wished for this moment. She wished to fast-forward to my yuppy self. But then again, who am I to complain, THAT WAS ME ten years ago. Bitch, you did not. Lmao.

Earlier this afternoon, it’s nighttime as I type this, I spoke with one of my co-workers. We haven’t known each other that very long. But it feels like we’ve known each other forever. She’s a Libra, just like me. She’s a 92-liner, too. Oh the joy! And she’s a psych major, I envy her. Sometimes I still wonder why I didn’t take that path in university. Accountancy was shit and as much as I loved my Sintang Paaralan, I just didn’t want to be there anymore for personal reasons. You’d know, if you ever met me in person, I’ll tell you. Wow, am I really that good at moving on? Anyway, being a communication major is and was a great experience. I hate competitions but I joined so many competitions in that field and lost some but you gotta win some, right? So I did. Thank you for the wonderful experiences, Piyu.

Whoa, I didn’t think I’d be writing this long. But I’m not done yet. So as I was saying, I spoke with her. She isn’t just a colleague to me now but more like a best friend. I never thought I would meet someone my age who spoke the same language as me before her. I’m a nerd. If that isn’t already obvious. And if being caught by our director talking about Sigmund Freud and Maria Montessori isn’t enough proof, then I guess let’s talk about global warming, greenhouse effect, and the melting polar caps. I like talking about ideas, phenomenas, and books. Crucify me! #ReasonsWhyImStillSingle

I’d been praying about something recently. And I only got that clarity when I finally spoke to her about it. We’ve been on this topic for about a month now. And occasionally we like to make fun of this topic. But I guess, when something isn’t really meant for you, God will make a way for it to not, you know, find its way to you. Thank you, LORD.

She told me so many things that made me realize that the person I like right now probably has his reasons why he’s not making the first move. And I understood that. She insisted that my feelings were valid and it was okay for me to feel those things—to think those things. But oh my goodness, I told her, this person is so lucky. Like I swear to God. Because I don’t really “like” guys that often. I don’t feel easily attracted to anyone. So it is by some miracle that I ended up liking this particular human sub-specie (bro, you should feel privileged, too bad you won’t be able to read this). Anyway, It was so clear to me. And I had to move on. Immediately. But what’s weird about it is that I just took a nap. And when I woke up from that nap this afternoon I felt nothing. Like that feeling expired almost immediately. It completely dissipated. So ridiculous, right? I’ve harbored feelings for this person for some time now (it hasn’t been that long to be honest) and I’m just over that feeling now. In an instant, too. I don’t know why. It’s probably one of my talents.

Wow, I really do move on fast. Don’t I? Am I cruel (to myself) that way?

So I had decided to busy myself with work. Plan about my graduate studies. And hope for the best. But for now, I’ll enjoy the rest of my leave from work. I sighed. Again. As I wrote that. My head hurts. I don’t know why. But it does. And I almost typed that in Korean.

On another topic, I’m thinking about compiling all of my literary works in some way. I also feel like commissioning my niece and my older brother to illustrate some of my poems for me. I’ve actually thought about this like a year ago amidst the pandemic. But the lazy ass in me just kept postponing. And I blame myself for procrastinating because all my “plans” haven’t come to fruition. But I’ll get my shit together. Eventually. I need to make this happen. At least before I expire. Lmao.

P.S. I’m tired. I actually stayed up late last night. Or should I say earlier this morning. I video called one of my ex-colleagues. It was also a really nice chat. But I’m not used to staying up late anymore. I’ve burned tons of midnight oil in university. NEVER AGAIN. I’m sleepy to be honest.

P.P.S. Tomorrow’s my elder sister’s birthday. I’m going to post ancient pictures of her on my stories.

#random thoughts #About God's Chaser #May the 5th #2021

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ohmytheon · 8 years ago

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I really enjoy your little "mom life" tidbits and how the baby wrap has become your saving grace. your last fic was brilliant and I can't help but think that Gendry would proudly wear the baby wrap as he goes about his day and now I want a fic about Gendry shopping or at his job while having his baby strapped to his front lol. sorry I keep requesting baby related fics and I hope your little one is well and letting you sleep :D

Thank you! I’m having a lot of fun writing this, so it’s no problem. I am literally wearing my baby right now. lmao Plus, writing Gendry as a dad is both sweet and sad and I love writing him anyways.

It was his one day off, which usually meant lounging around the house with Ryder, but there was too much to be done. Arya had been stuck with mid-terms all week, which wouldn’t have been bad if she wasn’t also knee-deep in her senior thesis research project. In between late night feedings and pulling near all-nighters alongside of it to finish her homework, she wasn’t getting any sleep. She wasn’t going to admit to being exhausted, but the dark bags under her eyes and her sluggish movements around the house told another story.

Being a mom was tiring enough, but combine that with the last semester of college, along with helping her sister plan her wedding, and it was a nightmare. Arya was tired and too stubborn to admit it.

Luckily, Gendry had learned how to be sneaky about helping her back when they were still just friends. After she’d come home from class, they ate dinner, although hers had been interrupted by Ryder wanting to eat. Gendry cleaned up and patiently waited while she feed Ryder until he heard what he’d been waiting for. Arya would also never admit to snoring, but she did so when she was dead tired. When he peered into the living room, there was Arya passed out on the couch, her head tipped back, her arms protectively around their son, while he slept nestled against her on the boppy pillow.

Knowing he only had a few minutes to get everything done, Gendry went into rush mode. First, he put on the baby wrap, which he’d gotten a lot more familiar with since his first attempt. It wasn’t nearly as terrifying now, but the trick was getting him in it at the right time. After carefully picking up Ryder and placing him in his swing, Gendry scooped Arya up from the couch. She mumbled in her sleep against his chest, but when he laid her in bed, she curled up, grasped hold of a pillow, and snuggled under the blanket he laid over her. He shut the bedroom door and returned to pick up Ryder, who was starting to squirm in his swing upon realizing he wasn’t being held. Hastily Gendry slipped his son inside and then walked around the apartment, bouncing up and down on his heels, until Ryder was asleep again.

Gendry breathed a sigh in relief. The ticking time bomb had been defused.

He wrote a quick note to Arya telling them what was going on, grabbed the few things he needed, and slipped out the door quietly. He’d learned after years of being around Arya how to be quiet. Once outside, he went to her car (it was bigger and much better than his) and pulled the stroller out. With Ryder tucked against his chest, he wouldn’t use the stroller, but Gendry needed it for other things. Luckily, everything he needed to do was only a short walk. Some fresh air would do him good since he was either cooped up in a smelly mechanic shop or the apartment.

First he went his work. He knew damn well that he was going to get teased, but it didn’t matter to him. Letting Arya get some well-deserved sleep mattered more than his pride. And besides, it didn’t do much to embarrass him anyways.

“Oh, look guys, it’s dream daddy Gendry!” Tom called from inside.

Gendry rolled his eyes as he parked the stroller outside and waved a dismissive hand at his coworker. “This right here,” he said, pointing to his son, “is proof that I can get laid while you’re still trying to woo girls at karaoke bars.”

Tom scoffed and folded his arms across his chest. “I get plenty of women, thank you.” Despite teasing Gendry, he put on some hand sanitizer and strode over towards them so that he could fondly rub Ryder’s head. Arya had trained all of the men to clean up before touching their son. Even without her here, the threat loomed heavily over all of them. “How’s the pup today?”

“Passed out for now,” Gendry sighed in relief as they walked to the office.

“And the mama she-wolf?”

Gendry smiled at the nickname. “Also passed out.”

“Good,” Tom said decisively. “She deserves it.” Then, he punched Gendry in the arm. “When are you two going to come out? It’s been a while! I know, I know – you’re parents now, but you’re not antisocial or dead. You both need some time to yourselves, not just separately.”

All Gendry could do was shrug his shoulders. “I think she’s scared of leaving him for anything but school, like it’ll make her look like a bad mom or something. Getting her to sleep or eat is a struggle sometimes.”

Tom tsked. “Arya sure is a funny girl.” Then he grinned and slapped Gendry on the back. “Still strange as hell seeing how bloody domestic you two are. It’s positively adorable, isn’t it, Lem?”

“Doesn’t seem too far off,” Lem replied as he stepped out of the office. “Our boy here has always had a soft spot for kids. Remember how he used to give his lunch away to the mom and her little girl at the park?”

“Oh, you were a dad in the making!” Tom teased.

Gendry shoved Tom away before the man could give him a mocking hug and walked into the office, cutting off the other two men’s laughter. Once there, he got his check for the past two weeks and then looked at the schedule. The upper management training marked on his line still made him feel uncomfortable, but it was a good thing. Better pay and hours. He’d worked his ass off for this. Didn’t make it feel any less odd. He was so used to being out on the floor and in the grime all the time. He liked it out there. But they needed this. Ryder needed this. Sacrifices had to be made on all fronts.

Once his business at work was taken care of and he showed Ryder off to everyone, Gendry deposited his check in the bank across the street and walked to the grocery store a little further away. It was nice being so close to everything. They had lucked out when the apartment they lived in now became available, but even more so that her parents had helped them get them on their feet. To be honest, it still humiliated Gendry to think about, but Arya had been so grouchy with him for his apologies.

“We’re here to help, Gendry,” her father had said, “and we know you’ll take good care of our Arya. Accepting help is nothing to be ashamed about. Besides, let us spoil our first grandchild.”

The concept of having a father that wanted to help – that wanted to just be around – was completely lost on Gendry. His mother might’ve died when he was young, but at least she’d stuck around for as long as her body allowed her. His dad was… Well, his dad was dead too, but he’d never bothered to show his face after Gendry was born. Too important and wealthy to admit to getting a cocktail waitress pregnant, he’d paid his mom off to keep silent and waived away all paternity rights. He’d done the same with his half-sister Mya.

Still, sometimes Gendry wondered, if his dad might’ve come around later on. He had been best friends with Arya’s father. Meeting him would’ve happened eventually. Gendry had seen him once, shortly before the man had a heart attack, at some function at Arya’s parents’ house that she’d dragged him to, but the moment Gendry had realized who the man was, he had spent the rest of the party acting like some sort of ninja to evade him. Then he was gone.

But what would have happened had they met? Would his father have pretended not to know him? Would he act apologetic in public and then avoid him? Would he have been curious once Gendry and Arya started dating? Would he have wanted to be involved once he had found out that he was technically going to be a grandfather?

Gendry would never know how either his mom or dad would’ve reacted to becoming grandparents. Being an orphan hadn’t bothered him for a very long time. Only until Arya became pregnant and her family stepped further into their lives did he realize that he was missing something that many people took for granted. It had been…difficult. Harder than he liked to admit. Like there was something else he couldn’t give his son, even though it wasn’t his fault.

Once they were at the store, Gendry used the stroller as a shopping cart. He didn’t care how ridiculous and cheap it looked. A few people gave him strange looks, even judgmental ones, but it didn’t phase him in the slightest. How was he supposed to carry his son and groceries home without anything to carry them in? He was being practical.

Of course, a few women stopped to look at Ryder and coo over him, all with varying reactions concerning Gendry’s role. There was the, “I would never trust my husband alone with my baby, but your wife must be brave!” woman, who laughed like it was so funny. Gendry did not point out that Ryder’s mom was not his wife (…not yet at least – school first – though it weighed heavily on his mind and made him anxious). Then there was the, “They just don’t make men like you these days!” woman, who had three kids of her own and looked frazzled. It made him feel sad. Another woman actually started trying to flirt with him in the cereal aisle, so he grabbed a box at random, awkwardly said goodbye, and hurried away.

People were so weird when it came to talking to parents with kids. Like they had a right to lay their opinion. It mind-boggled Gendry. No one had paid him any attention during this little errands before, but now they flocked to him, like they’d never seen a dad with their kid in public before. Was it that unusual?

By the time they made it back home, Ryder was starting to get fussy, probably hot in the baby wrap and also hungry. The boy could eat. It was also beginning to rain, so it was perfect timing. When they got back into the apartment, it was quiet. He laid Ryder down in the swing, willing him to be quiet for just a little while longer, and slipped out of the baby wrap. Upon walking into the bedroom, he found Arya still asleep, but her body was moving too, as if it could tell that Ryder would be awake soon.

Still, Gendry slipped into the bed behind her and wrapped his arms around her, pressing his nose into her hair and taking a deep breath. He allowed all his muscles to relax as he held her. Slowly, he felt her move underneath him until she’d wiggled in his arms to turn around and face him. “Have a nice nap?”

Arya rubbed her eyes. “How long was I out?”

“A good two hours.”

“Ryder–”

She’d started to sit up, but he held her down and simply said, “Asleep – for now,” and she eased back down in the bed.

Instead of closing her eyes to drift off again, even though he knew that she was still tired, she leaned closer to him and kissed him. He kissed her back, lazily, taking his sweet time, but then she pressed her body up against his. Her kisses became more insistent and she gripped him tightly, pulling him closer to her and rocking her body into his.

Now this was something that they hadn’t been able to do in a while. Half for recovery reasons and the other half because they had no time to themselves. His body reacted immediately, a groan building up in his chest. He rolled over so that he was on top of her and pressed his hips down against her, causing her to let out a gasp. A grin appeared on his face as he kissed down her neck and she hastily moved to undo his pants–

And then a piercing wail from the other room startled them both so badly that they jumped and Gendry nearly fell off the bed.

“Well, that was fun,” he said with a laugh.

Arya sighed and dropped her head back against the pillow. “I’ll–”

“Don’t worry about it,” Gendry told her as he rolled off of her and got up from the bed. “There’s a bottle in the fridge. You rest. I’ve got it.”

“Are you sure?” Arya asked, peering at him warily.

“Let me spoil the mother of my child and spend some time with him,” Gendry told her, leaning over to kiss her on the forehead. “Besides, you’re moody when you’re tired, just like him.”

He just barely dodged the pillow that she threw at him as he hastily made his retreat into the living room to scoop up their son and soothe him. Yeah, domestic life was weird and he hadn’t really given much thought to being a father, but this was exactly where he wanted to be.

#gendry #arya #gendrya #asoiaf #got #modern au #gendry waters #game of thrones #a song of ice and fire #dad gendry #arya x gendry #asioaf fanfiction #got fanfiction #the things of songs

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