#well trauma is trying to to be drip drop trying to be enough?

[clonewarsahsoka]

Listening to sf9 songs released after good guy thinking you'll never be good guy

[pricegouge]

Picture this: Doll is selectively mute, or otherwise she’s in so much shock from her situation that she literally just cannot speak (as an autistic person sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I go partially mute). The boys think she’s just being stubborn but she’s at least trying to sign, so they know she’s not necessarily doing it on purpose.

Queue competition between the boys where they fuck her nonstop and tell her they’ll only stop if she says one of their names, and place bets on who will break her first.

Main fic

Hm. reader's too nonverbal to do much narrating so I'm gonna carry on with John's POV.

cw: noncon. multiple (forced) orgasms. anal. dp, including two in one. ghost has a jacob's ladder cause i'm incapable of imagining him any differently sorry. overstimulation. unrealistic sex. Unedited again cause I'm dropping this and running tf away

It's Simon who notices first because of course it is.

John spends all morning wasting his time trying to get a reaction out of the girl, but she just grits her teeth and bares it all without so much as a whimper. It would be impressive, if it wasn't so goddamn annoying and he tells the boys this over a meal one evening, listening as they each in turn complain about the silent treatment they've been receiving.

Not long after, Simon disappears downstairs, seeking John out in his room when he reemerges.

"She's gone non-verbal."

"You too, huh?" John sighs, pulling on his boots. "Well, I'll get that bitch to bloody scream if I have to. Let's -."

"No, cap, it's... muteness. Don't think she's doing it on purpose."

John's about to ask why the fuck he should care if she's doing it on purpose or not, but he suddenly remembers the first few years of knowing Simon, the long stretches of silence he'd fall into. At the time, John had just assumed it was Ghost being broody, but now he wonders...

"Well, how do we get her out of it?"

Simon shrugs. "Not likely to, honestly. Can be a trauma thing."

John rolls his eyes, carries on tying his boots.

"The more pain you put her through the worse she's gonna clam up."

Now that gives him pause, gears grinding to a halt until the piece of debris that clogs them is ground beneath the cogs. They spin to life again with a renewed energy after - a wind up toy cranked too far.

"Pain. Pleasure. Hard to tell the difference sometimes."

***

The game is simple enough, but the objective is harder than initially thought. Gaz gets her first, always eager to please. Soap can't even wait until the other sergeant is fully done to get his hands on her, spitting on her tits to fuck between them while Gaz pants into his mouth, the two rapidly falling into each other's pleasure more than the girl's. She keeps her mouth firmly tight, though the pinch between her brow tells John she's not immune to Garrick's pretty cock.

Simon at least understands the objective, pushing Gaz away when he's done to manhandle Soap onto the bed, putting the bird in his lap. Simon works her arse open with cold lube while Johnny moves her in his lap, spearing her down onto his cock and Simon's waiting fingers. This time when she grits her teeth she looks far less pleased, but John wouldn't care if she cried out for them to keep up or to make them stop so he says nothing, watching raptly when Simon decides she's stretched enough for him and he pushes at the bird's shoulder until her and Soap both lay flat on the bed. Soap whines, watching over her shoulder while Simon lines himself up, legs straddled wide over Soap's knees. The poor boy stands less of a chance than the girl does, whimpering the second his lieutenant starts fucking into her, his piercings probably rubbing Soap through the thin wall of the girl's cunt.

Sure enough, the sergeant breathes a soft, 'shite, LT,' and his thrusts turn weak, aborted, sporadic. He moans when he cums, combining with Gaz's, dripping down his softening cock as Ghost's movements keep the girl bouncing on him. Soap whines again, overstimulated, and John can't help reaching out, cupping the sergeant's base to keep him nestled in the girl's warm cunt. Simon chuckles when Soap wails, adjusting his grip on the girl to keep her in place and carries on, cock sliding against the younger man's with barely any barrier.

If the goal was to get the bird to sing, Soap leads by example. But while her mouth hangs open as she watches the younger man fall apart beneath her, she still does not cry out. Not even when Simon grunts in her ear, voice gravel rough and shot, symphonic as it twines with Soap's incessant crying.

Simon pants as he comes down from his high, peering down at John questioningly for a moment. John nods, not entirely sure what he's signing up for, until Simon pulls the girl up off Johnny's front, snaking his hand down her stomach to get his thick fingers on her clit. John grins, feels Soap's cock give a valiant twitch when the girl clenches around him instinctively, sending a hot glob of cum rolling down to the base of the man's cock. John can't help leaning forward to lick it off, laughing cruelly as the younger man yelps.

He's vaguely aware of Gaz straddling Soap's head, assumes he's fucking the man's mouth by the way Soap's whines have turned to soft wet noises. He's too distracted licking his way up the girl's cunt to look.

Simon adjusts to make room for him, sitting on the bed next to Johnny as he continues fingering the girl's pretty clit. John licks along the seam of where her cunt seals around Soap's hardening cock and he hears her gasp - strangled and quiet, but a genuine gasp all the same. He spreads her cheeks, makes more room for himself, and gets to work moving her along Johnny's cock again, his tongue worming its way in alongside Soap when he pulls her back to Soap's base.

They work her like that for a bit, listening as her gasps slowly lengthen, become something like proper moans. Gaz coos at her about how pretty she sounds and she wails when Simon hooks a finger in her rear.

He knows she's cum by the way the spend that coats his tongue gets thinner, tastes less bitter.

"Fuck," John grunts, mouthing at the base of Johnny's cock to make him cum quicker, eager to be in her pretty cunt next. Soap gurgles around Gaz's cock, hips flexing as he fucks up into her faster. When he cums, John laps it up eagerly, tongue flicking against the rim of the girl's cunt just because he likes how she whines.

With Soap truly spent, John drags the girl down to his lap, spearing her on his cock without much preamble. She's loose, soaked, and John rocks her shallowly on himself for a moment just to listen to the way the cum churns within her, frothing on his cock and catching in his curls.

"Shite, doll," he groans, catching her wrists when she tries to reach up over herself, gripping onto his shoulders for leverage. He draws them back down behind her back, keeping them trapped between their bodies in one hand. With his other he cups the exposed column of her throat, revels in the feel of the tendons working - words forming and dying off under his very hand.

"Wanna cum again, don't you?" He coos, mouth pressed close to her poor sunken cheek as if he's completely absorbed in her. Really, he's watching Simon pull Gaz down alongside himself, fisting both their cocks in one big hand.

"Stop that," he warns when the girl bites off another sweet sound. "You wanna cum again you gotta let me hear it."

She doesn't at first, wiggling in his grasp as if he'll let her ride him without asking first. She breaks when he squeezes her throat and his cock twitches within her.

"Please," she whispers, "wanna -."

He's about to tell her too bad when Simon nods at him, a clear 'reward her' if ever he's seen one.

"Spoiled," John chastises, but the hand on her throat moves to slap her cunt all the same, spurring her on. "Go on, then, fuck yourself. Take what you need."

She's uncoordinated, sloppy, legs too tired to ride him with any finesse. It does the trick any way, and she falls limply against his chest when her legs give out beneath her, cunt dripping clear cream and residual cum, both.

"Good girl," John coos, fingers collecting the mess, spreading it over her abused clit just to watch her twitch. "Wasn't so hard, was it?" But if he expects an answer, or for her spell to be over, he's sadly mistaken.

Well, maybe not sadly.

"You want to be done?" She nods against his shoulder, body still slumped and pliant. "Use your words," John warns and she swallows loudly, eyes drifting somewhere by his ear. "More it is, then," John sighs, mock disappointment staining his tone. He shifts, gets his toes dug in underneath himself, and then fucks up into her with the kind of abandon only earned after watching four people cum multiple times.

She yowls, tests his grip on her wrists. He lets them go in favor of keeping her hips elevated, and her fingers find his thighs, digging into the meat of him there.

"You're gonna cum again," he hisses between grit teeth, using his free hand to turn her toward where Simon grips his and Gaz's cock loosely, teasing. "And then I'm going to hand you off to the boys again. And you're gonna take them both, right here -," he illustrates what he means by dragging his hand down her front and hooking the tips of two fingers in her cunt alongside his cock. "Unless you say my name, beg me stop."

She doesn't, so John fucks her stupid, stretching her open until she whines and begs and pants and releases, cunt squeezing around everything he's given her so tight he can't help but follow, paint her poor abused insides in so much cum he's no doubt she'll be able to take the other two easy enough.

The boys drag her up between themselves, hooking her leg up over Gaz's hip. They line up and her voice is shot when she finally uses it again, reaching behind herself to push at Simon's abs.

"Can't - you -."

Simon just hums, big hand brushing along her flank. "Want it in your arse is that it?" he teases, and she squawks, alarmed, when he slides in easily there instead, cock still coated with the lube he'd used to stroke himself and Gaz off with. He grinds deep a few times, letting Gaz's head notch against the rim before pulling back completely to let Gaz dip in. The girl whines, long and loud, and Soap hums in sympathy as he slots himself behind Gaz, too fucked out to do anything more than watch raptly.

She doesn't break until Gaz asks if she can take them both, his hand on Simon's ass keeping the bigger man in place while he slots his cock up next to the other, her poor abused rim stretching threateningly.

"No, please," she cries, and Simon just laughs, pushing in further.

"You know the rules, pet."

But it's John she turns to, eyes big and pretty and watery. "John, please, make them stop."

It's Soap who snuggles her after, the two of them both so fucked out and used up that they can't do much beyond lay there limp and exhausted anyway. Simon and Gaz get each other off with tight fists and dirty kisses, then follow John up to collect on their winnings from the game, but it's John who pockets the keys of a recent vic's car, grinning when Gaz scowls at him.

"Well it was my name she called."

[ashrayus]

PLSSSS MORE FANFIC RECOMMENDATIONS OF JASON TODDDD!

DUDEE!!!! really happy u asked but also omg this got long agaiN who would have thought (!) i added summaries this time tho :)

here is part one of my fic recs XD

andd heres the new ones!! pls give them some love if u read them :D

Dick and Jason:

how lonely to be something that nothing wants to kill by sunlitlemonade

There were blood drops dripping down his fingers to the ground. The puddle was big enough for it to have spread around more than half the tub. His breaths shuddered, they were shallow and waning. But he was breathing and Dick’s world centered around that.

starting strong with Angst go read all of sun’s fics i always die and get revived <333 pls mind the tags on this one

cast on/cast off by hellsreluctantheir

“This is surprisingly non-destructive for Jason,” Dick comments, lightly. In the parking lot, Jason pulls a grenade out of one of his pockets, yanks the pin, and tosses it through the roller door and out of sight, before tearing out of the parking lot in chase of the truck. “Well, for a minute there,” Dick amends. He takes a step back towards the alley the batmobile is parked in, giving Bruce a quick glance. “We following? “No,” Bruce says, as the grenade goes off. “He’s cleared the warehouse. We can get into the office.” Dick sighs again. But Jason knows he can call in if he needs help.

time loop!!! read most of this writer's fics and fell in love with them all,, go read fr

bloodstained by hellsreluctantheir

“I know where the clinic is, asshole,” Jason said. The wad of gauze he was using to keep pressure kept slipping against his shoulder. The knife had caught the space between two panels, split to allow movement. Lucky shot. “Ok, let me make sure you get there without passing out from blood loss,” Dick said, a deliberate evenness to his tone, like he was doing his best to accomodate someone who was being completely unreasonable. Shithead. “I’m not going to pass out,” Jason said, ignoring the fact that he was actually feeling pretty unsteady on his feet. He caught himself with his good shoulder on the entry to the bathroom, took a deep breath. “What would Daddy Bats think if he knew you were here, trying to help me?” “I assume something like, ‘Wow, Dick, you’re such a good brother, trying so hard to make sure Jason is ok even when he’s being a complete idiot about it,’” Dick sniped.

heres another one from them. jasons scars and dick. andd another one next

brothers in arms by hellsreluctantheir

It wasn’t like none of them went undercover. Jason practically lived there. And he’d punch anyone who tried to make it a sob story for him, to cluck over the times he’d been alone in a pit of vipers, act like it was some tragedy. But given half a minute to think about it, Dick somewhere completely cut off from everyone but Bruce, no allies on hand, surrounded by enemies. Angry as he was at the lie, there was something about that he just fucking hated. or Thinking your brother is dead and then finding out he's been alive the whole time really has a way of making you rethink the relationship.

Shelter by Ptelea

Two safe houses, two nights dealing with the aftermath of fear toxin, multiple conversations, several meals. Written for Sholio's September 2020 Comfort Fest for a prompt from Musesfool. Warning-wise, there's nothing graphic here but there are definitely references to past canon trauma for both the characters.

the way they are written here <33

Rotten Fruits by couldyoublameme

“I’m fine,” Dick assured gently, sitting up slightly. “Just a bad night, is all.” It’s a familiar phrase he has used so often. Whenever the addiction crawls back into his mind, a parasite he can never truly get rid of. The family knows what it means. Knows what the ‘bad’ is. Knows what to do. “Oh,” Jason says. “Why?”

absolutely murdered me. pls do mind the tags

You Can Do Better Than That by AlexaAffect

All Jason could hear was his own ragged breathing. He desperately gasped for air, each breath more exhausting than the last and his lungs and throat burned with the effort. In. And, he needed a second longer with every breath he took, out. His arms had been suspended for the last… 15? minutes? Jason had quit keeping track of the time, he’d been too preoccupied trying to hold himself upright, trying to ease his position, switch it up, anything to prolong the guaranteed death. “Red Hood?” That was Dick’s voice. Huh. So they had found him fast enough. Or alternatively; Dick finds a kidnapped Jason shortly before he asphyxiates.

this fic is just oddly comforting to me idk. very precious

Equivalent Exchange by Lysical

Apparently favors don't expire on death. --"What do you want, Dick?" "For you to be happy, Jay." Dick leaned over and pinched his cheek. Jason reached up and swiped at him, scowling. "And world peace."

ADORABLE and fun

Just for Now by Lysical

Jason was back in Gotham and the timing couldn't be worse for him to need assistance on a case. He didn't want to see any of the Bats and he was sure the feeling was mutual. Nightwing was the worst option for Oracle to pick to help him out.

To Reconcile by CasualDanger

“Babs slapped me at your funeral.” Jason goes to laugh, but it’s just a cough and his mouth barely even twitches up. “She hated me in that moment. I mean, really, really hated me, like I did Talia after I found out Damian had died. And I wondered,” his voice cracks, eyes glassy now, “did you hate anyone when I was gone? Because I was gone?”

he ain't heavy, he's my brother by someplacewarm

Dick's been putting off meeting with Jason for a while now, but when a distress call comes through, he has no choice but to answer. Or the one where Dick and Jason talk, fight, get high and cuddle. In that order.

making gold out of it by vmkhoney

Dick talks himself back down on the bathroom floor, clinical and detached. (For someone whose primary skill is manipulating his body, it’s not very often that he feels connected to it.) - Or, five years after Blockbuster, Dick begins teetering on the ledge of processing what Catalina did to him.

a wonderful dick grayson fic, and jason is there being a good brother. mind the tags

What Hurts You by blueyeti

Dick comes to Jason's aid when he's injured in a fight, or at least he thinks he has.

jason has no scars!! and thats also sad

at me, too, someone is looking by bacondoughnut

Dick Grayson knows he's got problems when the Red Hood's busted leg somehow becomes his concern. aka; How Dick Grayson finds out Jason Todd is alive. A story about healing.

a rather long one for my standards XD (very short attention span) but this made me sit down and read. very fun jason

Bruce and Jason:

Saltwater and Desperation by bacondoughnut

Jason's not sure how he even manages to get himself out of the harbor. He's just glad Bruce is there when he does. Not that he'll ever, ever admit as much out loud.

same writer, love this jason (and bruce) so much

Insomnolence by navree

It's not like he slept much as a kid anyway; this is just a return to the status quo. He's not overly tired, and even if he's been sleeping less than his already limited amount throughout April, that's still not any of her business. Bad memories are already bad enough even before they spend the next few years in the aftermath becoming nightmares.

navree being The bruce and jason writer for me all of their fics are so o(- (

Ash Into The Wind by navree

This is his dad in there, the first man he ever called Dad, at any rate, and even after everything, booze and jail and Bruce and death and then death again, there's never going to be a part of Jason that isn't gutted that he's dead. One night, a wraith in a red helmet slips onto the grounds of Blackgate Penitentiary to steal one specific thing.

another one from them

Trapped by lurkinglurkerwholurks

BatFam Week 2018, Day Two. Prompt: Trapped Yes, the prompt is "trapped" and it's a Jason fic. I'm so, so sorry. (Not really, though.) Please see tags for potential triggers.

binge read this writers fics recently they write them so nice

Overcoming Our Antecedents by Batbirdies

Bruce swallows, closing his eyes for a brief moment before he takes another, steadying breath and presses both hands to his face. He just needs a moment. Needs to remember where he is, what year it is, that Jason is not actually fifteen, he only looks like he is. This is temporary. This is just a temporary problem that needs to be contained until they can change Jason back. This is not a repeat of events already passed. This is not a second chance.

Jason and Batfam:

Names and Neapolitan by Muddell

“Goddamnnit Robin,” Hood is there, pulling him into his arms. Robin sees that helmet, he sees the green eyes, the dark hair, he sees open, gray, Gotham sky, and hears tires squealing, and then he sees stone. He sees the cave. Bruce is there. Alfred is there. Dick is there. And Hood is there. Robin rolls in and out of consciousness. He reaches out, snatches the smell of copper and the touch of leather, and he holds Hood’s hand and he does not let go. He’s allowed to say it now. “Jason,” he says. “Don’t leave.” Or, following Dick telling Tim about his older brother, to Tim actually knowing him.

read a couple fics from this writer all so good!!!

Six Ways to Sunday by Muddell

Jason catches Duke hiding a headache and says, is anyone going to deal with that?

same writer!! really love their jason

Settle Down and Sleep by OberonBronze

A series of vignettes about seeking comfort. Damian tries his hand at being a comfort animal; Tim shows up at Jason’s place for an impromptu sleepover; Jason bonds with his older brother after a damaging fear toxin trip; Dick and Bruce have a long-overdue conversation.

really liked jason and dick in this :)

Tuck Me In by OberonBronze

Bruce Wayne and his long-standing habit of tucking his kids into bed.

think how great it is to fall asleep (and how terrible it is to wake up) by mikkal

Jason was fifteen, barely five foot, and underweight for his age when he died. When he came back to his body, suddenly he was too tall, too scarred, too much, too different. And he just... never got used to it. (Or: 5 times a Bat noticed/discovered his body dysphoria post resurrection)

Stranger Danger by alchemistsarego, whumpinaheartbeat (alchemistsarego)

There was never one particular moment that Damian registered that he was losing consciousness. Everything simply flashed from one thing to the next, even though some part of him understood that time had been passing in between. He had been sitting upright, rolling his eyes at something someone had said, then he was on the ground being pinned by some unknowable weight. All at once the weight was gone again, replaced instead by something not only lighter, but much warmer too. A blanket? No, a jacket.

jason and others:

Past Experience by Rookblonkorules

He thinks he might be dying. Again.

clark and jason :)

Bats in the Belfry by endlessnepenthe

Hal idly wonders how long he has before he's found. Probably not very. The Bat's freaky like that. (Or, Hal goes to Gotham and discovers that Batman's brand of freaky isn't exactly one of a kind.)

jason and hal jordan??! and slade? and magic.

[eddiemunsonspantschain]

The Boyfriend Experience - EM

Author's Note: This is very personal to me. I wrote this about my experieces and facts about myself. Which I know isn't very reader insert friendly but as my friend @boomhauer had said, for all I know, I'm not alone in this. This will be a mini series. Idk how many parts it will have but I wanted to do more than one.

Pairing: Eddie Munson x virgin!reader

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of weight, mentions of being overweight, body image issues, body dysphoria, self deprication, sexual experiences, lack of sexual experience, teasing, angst.

You do not have permission to copy, translate or repost my work onto other sites or social medias. This work is my own and it is owned by me.

Having a large friend group was nice. Nice enough, at least for you. Between the Hellfire boys and the party you were fortunate enough to have many friends. You were close to the party the most over the shared trauma of the upside down and things that go bump in the night. It was easy to be open with them so some topics of conversation didn’t bother you… until certain comments were made. You had never intended to let the information about yourself shift the dynamic of your friendships. At this point in your life, you had reluctantly accepted a fact about yourself when it came to romantic relationships and activities. However, your friend groups learning that you were a virgin even now past graduating high school seemed to change everything. It wasn’t like you wanted to seek out the first willing male participant and ‘get it over with’ as some past friends had told you to do before. You didn’t want that for yourself. It didn’t feel right for you.

The unfortunate thing about it was that no one was into you. That was something you had concluded on your own in your own time. It was either the pudge of your stomach and the squishiness of other parts of your body or simply your personality. You weren’t sure. Maybe it was all of it. You had spent many a time pinching, poking and prodding at your body in the mirror as tears silently slid down your cheeks. Most of the time you avoided reflective surfaces all together as it shattered the illusion of what you thought and wished you looked like. One look in a reflection made your confidence dwindle down to nothing like something small being dropped off of a skyscraper just to shatter on impact at the pavement below. So you wore baggy clothes. Hiding your figure was better than being gawked at for trying to wear clothes other girls, skinnier girls, pulled off effortlessly. The hammer that hit the nail on the head was when you noticed some things. Was it other people’s fault? No, it wasn’t. But when you went out with friends who were deemed more attractive than you and people approached them to talk to them while you stood there, drink in hand. It was hard not to notice. The icing on the cake had been the one time you were left standing at the bar, all your friends off talking to someone in the bar that had approached them while you played with the condensation that dripped down onto the bartop. 

You lacked social experiences. You had never been on a date before, never had a boyfriend either. You had a first kiss at least though it had been a long time ago. How your friends didn’t know this, you had no idea. A rousing game of truth or dare brought this information to light for everyone. The kids weren’t invited as it was an adults only party Steve had decided to throw. The Hellfire boys, Nancy, Robin, Steve, Jonathan and Argyle as well as yourself all sat in a circle with your respective drinks in hand. It had been your turn, so you chose truth, wanting a break for a moment as the dares got more daring as time went on and more alcohol was consumed. Drinking the ‘mega condiment’ as Argyle named it–a mixture of literally every condiment housed in the Harrington fridge–was not on your list of things to drink that night. Especially after seeing Robin gag after taking a sip of it. 

The Harrington house was big enough to house all of you. Not to mention a supplemental bar for when you all ran out of what you brought with yourselves. These ‘adults only’ parties tended to last all night with drinks, food and usually crashing there. At times it was movies or more importantly drinking games that were played at these events. Tonight the stack of playing cards had been retired early in favor of Truth or Dare. Jeff hummed as he thought over what he could ask you. His eyes lit up as he figured out his question. “Who did you lose your virginity to?” He asked you with a grin. It wasn’t uncommon for these question to get more personal and daring the more you all drank. So you weren’t necessarily surprised at the topic but the fact that it had been aimed at you, one of the only single people in attendance. Normally, these embarrassing personal questions were aimed at the couples.

You felt your cheeks warm in embarrassment. As everyone waited for their answer, you simply looked away from Jeff and took a swig from your drink to avoid answering. That was one rule that had been put in place. You could opt out by drinking your drink. No questions asked. Or at least, no requirement to answer.

“Must be embarrassed about who it is.” Gareth chuckled with a small shrug as he drained the last of his beer.

“Or she didn’t lose it at all.” Jeff playfully jokes, but something on your face must have given it away as Jeff’s eyes widened in realization. “You haven’t lost it?!” He gasped.

“How? You’re like… in your twenties.” 

“I just haven’t. Alright?” You practically snapped at Gareth and Jeff.

“Well, have you come close? Like on a date getting hot and heavy with someone?” Steve asked, leaning over to hand Gareth another beer after popping the bottle cap off with his bare hand.

“No… I’ve never been on a date so,” You mumbled into your cup as you took another drink.

“You’ve never been on a date?!” Nancy asked, shock written on her face. “I thought Ethan when we were soph-”

“Yeah. He stood me up and made jokes about it for a week after.” You cut Nancy off with a tight smile. “I’m not girlfriend material, apparently. Now if you’ll excuse me.” You pushed yourself off of the floor and headed for Steve’s kitchen to make yourself another drink. Your cheeks were hot with embarrassment and you could feel tears threatening to breach the barrier of your lower lashes. At times, you could brave the embarrassment of being a virgin at your age. However now again you found yourself longing for something you had not had the privilege of having. Yearning for a connection to someone who likes you for who you are, not necessarily what you look like. When those feelings hit you, it was hard not to be hurt at the realization that you might never have these experiences. You could hear laughter in the other room, the immediate assumption in your fragile state that it was about you. Your lower lip wobbled as you opened the container of cranberry juice, pouring a full glass of it knowing adding more alcohol would make it harder to compose yourself now and you’d like to leave with a shred of your dignity left intact.

“Enough.” You heard Eddie’s voice snap, presumably at the Hellfire boys as he usually reigned them in. You sniffled, wiping at your cheeks quickly before going to grab the hoodie you had abandoned on the back of a kitchen chair earlier. You needed the comfort, shielding your body away before you trudged back into the room of your friends with your mask back on firmly in place.

Since then, things have been different. Your lack of experiences, lack of romance and lack of self confidence were sore spots for you. Some told you you simply weren’t trying hard enough. As if it were that easy to just make people like you. Or want you for more than just what was between your thighs or under your shirt. As if anyone would want to see that. Since the night of the party, the group made it a point to keep certain topics of conversation to a minimum or overall stopping the conversation when you joined the group. As if they didn’t think you would notice. It was hard to ignore that the topics of recent date nights ceased the second you were close enough to them all. With hushed ‘later’s, ‘not now’s and ‘I’ll finish telling you later’s being the main indication when you manage to hear them.

“Okay, I’ll bite.” You sighed as you crossed your arms over the counter of Family Video, looking at Steve and Robin expectantly. You had heard their conversation when you walked in there but when you approached the counter Steve had quickly shushed Robin from talking further. “What are you both talking about?” You asked.

“Nothing, nothing.” Robin waved you off with a smile as she rang up the movie you had brought over.

“I was just telling Robin about my date the other night. After we had dinner we started getting hot and heavy in my car, went to Lovers Lake to have-”

“Shh! Steve, innocent ears! We have to keep her purity intact.” Robin shushed him, smacking him in the chest.

Your face fell. “Excuse me?” You asked Robin in a clipped tone, not bothering to hide your anger and annoyance.

The air had shifted as had the mood. Robin’s face fell as she realized that her joke had not been amusing to you but instead upset you. “It’s just that… No, Y/N. I didn’t mean it like that!” Robin apologized quickly.

You scoffed, pulling your wallet out and throwing cash onto the counter to cover the movie and a packet of Red Vines. “Thanks.” You mumbled, snatching up the movie and a packet of Red Vines before heading out of the store quickly.

—----------

It was movie night. That was the reason for your trip into Family Video that week. The Hellfire group would have a movie night once every week or so. Everyone brought in a movie and you all would decide which ones to watch. You sat on the couch, always having privileges for the couch per Eddie’s orders since in his words: you are the lady here. You sat beside Eddie, sharing your Red Vines with him while he shared his popcorn with you. Since that day in Family Video you hadn’t seen neither Steve nor Robin, actively avoiding both of them. You had mumbled an acceptance of Robin’s apology when she called but hadn’t wanted to see either of them. It got worse though. Almost all of your friends had made a joke about your lack of experience thus far. If there wasn’t a joke about it there was reassurance that didn’t feel so reassuring. Nancy had tried to reassure you that there was nothing wrong with being a virgin still at your age. Eddie, Jonathan and Argyle seemed to be the only ones smart enough to not make any comments about the subject. Something you praised God for. Now it was the end of the week and you were just ready for everyone to move past this once and for all. 

On the screen in front of you was a horror movie. Something you weren’t unfamiliar with. You sighed as you sunk into the couch with Eddie. You watched as two teens snuck away with the intention of having fun with one another and felt your mood sour. You waited for it. Some kind of comment to be passed your way.

“These are always so cheesy and these parts? Boring.” Lucas complained, tossing pieces of popcorn at the screen itself.

“That’s because you’ve never experienced it, Sinclair.” Gareth laughed, nudging the other boy.

“As if he should listen to any advice from you.” Eddie nudged Gareth with his foot.

“I’m full of advice! Good advice!” He argued back with Eddie.

“Suuure you are.” You added, “None of you seem like you’d know what to do anyway. Just fumble and ask where things are.”

“Oh, please!” Freak laughed and grinned at you. “Here’s something we can at least tell you, Y/N.” His tone took on one you would use when speaking to a child, “When a man and a woman love each other, his peepee goes in the hole between your legs. That’s where you put it. In case you didn’t know since you’re still a virgin.”

“Freak, knock it off.” Eddie hissed in his direction.

You didn’t even dignify him with an answer. You stood up, stepping over Gareth and Jeff as you made your way to the door. 

“Y/N?” Eddie called, but you didn’t dare look behind you. Instead, you slid your jacket onto your body, picked up your bag and threw open the door to Eddie’s trailer deciding to leave the movie you rented there.

You hopped down onto the porch, the screen door behind you smacking shut loudly as you bounded off the porch and over to your car. You heard the door open back up behind you and Eddie called out your name again. You ignored him, sliding into your car and peeling away from the trailer park like your ass was on fire. You gripped the steering wheel tightly, ignoring the tears sliding down your cheeks. It was one thing to hear jokes that you were still a virgin. It was another thing to have people demean you thinking you were innocent and didn’t know anything because of it. You weren’t a fucking child. You knew probably more than they did about the female body and what to do. Years of hearing your peers talk about it had been informative enough. 

As soon as you got to your apartment, you shuffled yourself inside and shut the door tightly behind you. You crumbled. You were embarrassed and upset, wanting to just crawl in a hole and forget this week had ever happened. You pulled yourself up, trudging to the bathroom and taking a hot shower before pulling on panties, sweatpants and a tank top deciding to leave the death trap on the floor of the bathroom. You moved to the living room, seeking out a new movie to put on in the hopes it would distract yourself from the disastrous night. You put on one of your favorites before tucking yourself into your couch with your favorite fuzzy blanket and pillow. You only got through about fifteen minutes of the film before there was a knock on your door. You ignored it, favoring pretending you weren’t home or didn’t exist than face whoever was on the other side of that wooden barrier. The knocking came again, harder and more insistent this time.

“Go away!” You called out to the door. You assumed it was Freak, Gareth and Jeff. No doubt sent there by Eddie to apologize for upsetting you. He never let the other guys bother you too much. 

“Open up, sweetheart. It’s me.” The man you thought had sent others to your door was actually the one behind it.

“No.” You called back out. You were thankful that Eddie didn’t make fun of you like the others did or comment on it. But you were embarrassed and felt ugly. 

“Please? I have something for you.” You sighed. Knowing Eddie he would either camp out in front of your door or more likely pick your lock or climb through your window in your bedroom if you didn’t let him in. You pulled yourself up off the couch and went to the door, unlocking it and opening up the door. His smile was wide and bright when you opened the door. His arms were laden with items and he nudged you with his foot. “May I come in?” He asked you, batting his lashes at you.

You stepped aside, letting the lanky metalhead into your home. Eddie moved inside of your apartment quickly and you watched him like he was some foreign entity in your home. Eddie had been in your apartment before but never alone with you. It was always accompanied by one of your friends. He had just never come here by himself. You wouldn’t have thought so though as he effortlessly placed down the items in his arms. He had a pizza box with him, two shopping bags and a backpack on his back. From the plastic bags he pulled out some beer, candy and movies presumably from his own home. “What’re you doing here, Eddie?” You sighed, shutting your door and moving back to your couch. You burrowed yourself under your blanket again, pillow tucked behind your back. “Where are the guys?”

“Well, you left clearly upset, and I kicked the guys out.” Eddie answered nonchalantly. He stopped his movements of sorting out the treats he brought to look at you. “They shouldn’t have said what they said.” He spoke softly, watching you.

You took a breath. “Thank you… You didn’t have to come here though.” You mumbled, crossing your arms.

“I wanted to.” Eddie waved you off. “Now, I’m gonna go change cause we’re having a sleepover. I have your favorite.” He flipped open the pizza box to reveal your favorite toppings. “I will be back!” He took his backpack into your bedroom. You leaned over, assessing the pizza and snacks he had brought with him for you. You took a slice of pizza and gently began munching on it, trying to fight off the negative thoughts about how this food wasn’t good for you and wouldn’t help your situation but only deepen the purple stretch marks on your stomach and thighs.

When Eddie returned, he was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a faded Judas Priest t-shirt. He dropped down onto the couch on the opposite side of you and picked up a slice of pizza, taking a huge bite out of the food. He settled down, wiggling your blanket out from under him to get under the fabric and be comfortable with you. You both sat like that for a while, watching the movie you had put on and eating the pizza. Eventually one of the movies Eddie had brought with him was put on. You both fell into a comfortable silence but you knew it would eventually break.

As the second movie played you were about halfway through it when Eddie finally spoke up. “Do you wanna talk about it?” He asked you, turning his head to look at you. You turned your head to meet his eyes and felt your walls crumble. You wanted to say no… but with Eddie’s gaze on you, it was hard to compose yourself. You flashed back to what happened not too long ago and over the week in general. You didn’t realize that more tears began to slide down your cheeks. “I’m just so sick of everyone thinking I’m innocent just because I haven’t fucked someone. I’m not an idiot. I’m not a child. I fucking know things.” You sobbed quietly, hurriedly wiping at your cheeks. “It’s not my fault I’m not the kind of girl anyone wants.” You felt the couch shift as Eddie moved closer, the weight of his arm falling over your shoulders. He moved your legs over his lap, tucking you into his side as you cried. “They act like it was somehow my choice. Like I haven’t wanted to have a boyfriend, have sex, go on dates, be loved by someone. If it were my choice I would’ve done all those things! But no one is interested in me. How is that my fault?” You babbled on, tucking your face against Eddie’s chest and finding comfort in the smell of him.

“First of all, they were wrong to make you seem like you don’t know shit. Second of all, you are absolutely the kind of girl people want. Smart people who have eyes and aren’t selfish assholes. I know if you had the choice, you would’ve done those things. Clearly, since this upsets you so much, babe. There’s nothing wrong with taking your time.” Eddie spoke softly, his thumb rubbing your skin comfortingly as he spoke.

“Sure, Eddie. Whatever you say.” You murmured, feeling drained from the week itself. A silence fell over the two of you as you felt your insecurities swallow your mind. “Maybe if I was skinnier… prettier. Like Nancy, smart too.” You mumbled. You gasped when Eddie suddenly moved back. You looked at him and he had moved back to stare at you. What shocked you was the anger on his face.

“Do not. Say that.” He spoke sternly, watching you. “There is nothing wrong with you. Your body, your mind, nothing.”

“But-”

“No!” Eddie frowned, a crease forming between his brows as he showed his unhappiness at your lack of self-confidence. “No buts! Yours is phenomenal, by the way.” He was moving before you could even process what you just heard, your cheeks warming when you realized. He was pulling at your legs. You made a small sound as he pulled you til you were laying on your couch. You adjusted the pillow that had once been behind your back to be behind your head instead, deciding to humor Eddie. You knew him well enough that he would say what he wanted to say whether you wanted to hear it or not. He was never shy to share his opinion, sometimes unprompted. “Look,” Eddie moved on top of you. He straddled your thighs as his hair fell over your face like a curtain. Without thinking about it you moved his hair back from his face. “Hi, pretty girl.” Eddie grinned at you. You pouted at him, using one hand to tug on his earlobe. He whined and winced, “Ow.” he mumbled softly. Eddie’s hands moved from holding himself up above you instead favoring to rest his body against yours. You grunt softly at the new weight but it wasn’t bothering you. 

“Eddie, what are you doing?” You huff and Eddie grins back at you.

“Shh. Hold on. I’m gonna give you the boyfriend experience, okay. Let me show you how pretty you are.” He shushed you, moving his hand up to your face. His middle finger gently ran over your forehead, moving down the bridge of your nose. Your eyebrows were creased in confusion as you took in what he was doing but your breath hitched in your throat as his lips pressed between your eyebrows, smoothing the crease away. His soft touch moved down over the tip of your nose down to your cupid’s bow before moving over your cheekbone. He leaned in, pressing a kiss to the tip of your nose. You were fumbling as you processed the fact that Eddie Munson was kissing your face. His lips followed his finger as he kissed your cheek bone. More kisses followed over your cheek, jaw and chin. 

“Ed-”

“Shhh,” He softly shushed you again, middle finger moving over your top lip before running over your lower lip. You waited, holding your breath. That breath escaped you when Eddie pressed his lips to yours. You knew what to do, of course, pressing your lips back to Eddie’s but truly you were sure you were a horrible kisser. His hand now cupped your cheek as his lips moved against yours like he was trying to show you what to do. Soon you melted in his embrace, just enjoying kissing him. His lips were slightly chapped but soft and you made a mental note to share your cherry lip balm with him so he didn’t crack his lips. Eddie’s lips left yours though and you whimpered softly as he moved away. A breathy chuckle left him. “You have to breathe, pumpkin. Okay?” He murmured, nose nudging yours gently. Then he was moving again. He tucked his head into your neck, peppering kisses against your skin. He kissed over your collarbones before kissing the tops of your breasts. “No bra when you’re at home? I should come visit more often.” He mumbled against your skin, running his nose over your cloth covered mounds. His eyes flicked up to meet yours, a devilish smile on his lips. 

“Gonna come over more often now cause I don’t wear a bra at home?” You scoffed and Eddie nodded against you. 

“Mhm, and cause I can see your nipples through your tank top.” He chuckled and moved his hands down to your hips. His hands moved back up, pushing your tank top up. You reached for his hands but he stopped just under your breasts. “Not going further. I didn’t ask permission yet.” He murmured and shuffled down your body. His nose nudged gently at your stomach, admiring the pudginess that was there. He began scattering kisses over your soft flesh. Over stretch marks ranging from soft pink, barely there to fresh purple ones. You squirmed a little under him, cheeks warming in embarrassment and self consciousness. “You’re so cute.” He mumbled against your skin, looking up at you. You pouted, feeling tears tug at your lashes again. “No crying, baby.” He murmured, “Not wanting to make you feel bad. Just wanna admire you.” You sniffled, gently wiping at your eyes as you nodded down at him. You were unsure of Eddie’s plan. Why he was doing this and how far he was going to go but you were going to give him his time, enjoying the limited attention he was affording you.

Eddie waited for you to calm down before he continued. He kissed over your hips, hands moving to pull your sweatpants down slightly. He pulled the material down over your legs, setting them aside and you froze again. He bypassed your panties which made you pout a little but you knew Eddie had a plan. His kisses continue over the tops of your thighs before moving to kiss the sides of them. He lifted one of your legs, lips moving down your calf and over your ankle before he kissed the top of your foot. When he was satisfied that he had covered you in enough kisses he grabbed your sweatpants and pulled the material back over your legs and settled himself on top of you again once you were clothed again. Eddie had laid himself so his head rested at your neck. One arm snaked under your body while his other hand moved to gently run his fingers through your hair. 

“You can call me crazy if you want,” Eddie mumbled against your skin. “But what if I gave you the boyfriend experience. Doesn’t have to go anywhere. Just… show you what you’re missing.” 

You blinked, thinking over Eddie’s suggestion. It wasn’t that you didn’t like Eddie. You liked him a lot especially once you saw the soft side of the scary looking metal head. You figured you weren’t his type despite the affection he’d shown you tonight. So what was the harm in taking him up on gaining some experience? You hummed softly and stroked your fingers through his hair. “Yeah… I’d like that.” You murmured quietly, feeling the smile that spread over his lips before he pressed a kiss to your throat. 

Eventually the two of you moved so you could enjoy the slightly cold pizza Eddie had brought you both. The two of you ate most of it, tucking the rest into the fridge. You yawned gently as you packed up the snacks and Eddie’s hands gently grabbed at your arms to stop you. He steered you towards your room, shutting the tv off on the way. Inside your room you crawled into bed and laid on your side, figuring Eddie would help himself to wherever he wanted to sleep. The bed dipped beside you and Eddie shuffled closer to you. “An important part of the boyfriend experience, cuddling.” He murmured as he pressed himself to your back. He tangled his legs with yours, holding onto you. You could feel that he had shed his shirt before climbing into bed with you. His hand rested on your belly and you resisted the urge to move it. You didn’t even like touching your own belly but someone else touching the area made you want to crawl out of your skin. After a few minutes though you relaxed enough, gently falling asleep in his arms.

—----------------------------------------

The next morning you had woken up still in Eddie’s embrace. He was holding onto you tightly, gentle snores falling from his lips. You picked up his arm, attempting to wiggle free from his hold at first until he tightened his arm around you further. You huffed but smiled, picking up his arm again and getting free. You padded out of your room to the kitchen and started to brew some coffee. You grabbed what you needed to make some simple bacon and eggs for you both, humming as you did so. As you added some cheese into the eggs you heard him before you felt him. He had just managed to step on one of the creaky floor boards. Eddie’s arms wrapped around you and his head found home on your shoulder. 

“You left me,” He mumbled against your skin.

“I made breakfast.” You answered, plucking up a piece of bacon and offering it to him.

Eddie lifted his head and bit into the bacon, chewing thoughtfully. “All is forgiven.”

You chuckled and shook your head, finishing the other half of the strip of salty pork before returning to moving the eggs around. Eddie removed himself from you to grab the plates you set aside for you both. He held both as you scooped some eggs onto the plates before placing bacon strips onto them. Eddie took them to the table as you popped toast into the toaster and started to make your cup of coffee. Once all the food was ready you both sat down to eat. You found your eyes wandering to the boy that sat beside you. Eddie’s hair was a frizzy mess from sleeping with it loose last night. His torso and arms were toned and not overly muscular. You figured he lifted a lot of heavy things having heard he worked at a mechanics shop now. Blotches of scars were on his arms and torso from where the demobats had feasted on his flesh but you didn’t find them repulsive. It made Eddie look rugged in a way. Even if his nipple and his chest tattoos had suffered because of it. His rings were absent, most likely sitting on your bedside table now.

“Like what you see?” 

You moved your eyes away from Eddie’s chest to look at his face. He smiled at you. A kind, warm smile like you guys had known one another a long time. His big chocolate orbs watched you carefully but as he shifted the sun caught his eyes, turning them amber. You chuckled at the scrunch of his nose and the squint of his eyes as they were invaded by the sun. You stood up, moving to your window and pulling the sheer curtains together. “I like natural light.” You told him, returning to your seat. 

Eddie hummed, picking up your hand and kissing your knuckles. “Thank you for breakfast.” He murmured with another bright smile.

“You brought me dinner last night. It’s only fair.” You reason with a small shrug. When you finish your meal you put your plate in the sink and refill your mug before retiring to your couch once again under your blanket. Eddie joins you moments later, slipping under your blanket and shifting closer to you, arm around your shoulders. You turned the TV on, finding something to watch as you sip your coffee. You only look away when a gentle tap comes to your chin and you turn your head, Eddie lips pressing to yours. 

“Forgot to properly tell you good morning.” He murmured against your lips.

You feel your face warm, kissing Eddie again. “Good morning,” You murmured.

“Good morning,”

—-------------------------

You and Eddie spent the day together. You watched TV, made lunch and finally talked about what you would both be doing. Eddie offered a no strings attached experience, explaining that he would provide you with the experience of what it was like to have a boyfriend and whatever else you might like at no cost to you besides your time.

“You don’t want anything?” You asked, raising a brow at the boy.

Eddie nodded his head. “Nothing.”

“There has to be something you want to be doing this.”

Eddie hummed and shook his head again. “I’m getting it already.”

“What?”

He smiled at you and reached for your hand. “What I want… is you.” He murmured, “Stupid, I know. Me being an option but I’m happy just… filling the role for you. Til you find what you want.”

That was the thing. You didn’t know what you wanted. You wanted to be loved, yes. Someone who wanted you. Which Eddie claimed he was that person. Someone who wanted you. That was something difficult for you to grasp. Why would someone want somebody as imperfect as you are? You were a burden, an issue. Or simply just the thing in the corner that was easily ignored. You simply nodded at Eddie’s words though and leaned over, pressing your lips to his even if you didn’t believe a word he said.

.

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[midnighthazee]

Greenridge ABO Series

Series Masterlist Masterlist

Warnings: explicit language, fear, mentions of past abuse/trauma, violence, abuse, mentions of blood, pet names, a lil smut... 18+ MDNI

WC: 5867

Chapter 11

Two days went by. Two long, agonizingly slow days. The Mansae pack had made it to the house within the hour and Changbin explained how chaotic their day had been. The Mansae members eagerly pitched in to help. Their pack medic Joshua and his assistant Seungkwan worked with Felix and Doctor Quinn in keeping an eye on you. They checked your vitals every hour, keeping you on an IV drip. They also took shifts at night to keep an eye on you around the clock.

Changbin and Seungmin went to check on Minho since there were so many people at home to protect you should the Nykos attack. Jeongin wouldn’t stray too far from you though. He even slept on the floor in the basement living room the first night.

  When Changbin and Seungmin arrived at the house, Minho growled and yanked at the chains when they entered.

“Minho?” Seungmin spoke cautiously.

“We really should have put some clothes on him before locking him up.” Chanbin noted.

Minho was still hard, his tip red and leaking.

Seungmin stepped forward carefully, looking into Minho’s eyes. They were golden and no longer red so that was a good sign. Changbin stood back, observing in case he needed to intervene.

“Please.” Minho rasped.

“Please what?” Seungmin asked, catching Minho’s rut scent.

“Touch me.” Minho hung his head, voice barely audible.

Seungmin stepped forward, caressing Minho’s cheek. Minho whimpered, leaning into his touch. He was covered in cum, so was the floor, and Seungmin felt bad. He clearly had been trying but to no avail.

“I’ll help you.” Seungmin whispered, kissing Minho as his hand dropped to Minho’s cock and stroked.

Minho bucked his hips, searching for more friction. Seungmin squeezed hard, pumping his hand faster. It was only a few minutes before Minho cried out, cum dribbling down Seungmin’s hand. Minho’s body shook as the orgasm washed over him. Finally, after hours, he began to soften. Apparently it wasn’t enough for him to do it, he needed someone else’s touch.

Seungmin littered his face and neck with kisses as Minho leaned into him. Changbin went and grabbed some pillows and a blanket from the other room, placing it next to Minho so he could rest. Then he cleaned him off while Seungmin went to wash his hands. Minho laid down, his wrists and ankles still chained to the wall.

“Should we unlock him?” Seungmin asked upon return.

“We’ll check on him when he wakes up.” Changbin assures, kissing Minho’s temple.

“I’m going to stay here until he wakes.” Seungmin said, sitting next to Minho and rubbing his back.

Changbin nodded, heading back to the house.

It took a few hours but eventually Minho woke up. 

“Seungmin? Wh-where’s y/n?”

“You don’t remember?”

“I remember waking up next to y/n this morning. I started my rut and told her to leave but she insisted on helping me.”

“She did!?” 

“Yes…You seriously think I took advantage of her?.” Minho glared, shaking his wrists to make the metal clink. 

That must be why I’m locked up, he thought.

“I don’t know. We thought the urges took over or something.” 

Seungmin shrugged, looked away. He was unsure how to break the news, knowing how Minho was - he was not going to take this well. Of course Minho could tell there was something he wasn’t saying.

“Spit it out Seungmin.” Minho demanded.

Seungmin sighed, “You went feral. That’s probably why you don’t remember. My guess is it was because of Lewis’s mark. ”

Minho clenched his jaw, staring at the far wall. “What did I do?”

Seungmin took a deep breath.

“You marked her.” He looked at his alpha, awaiting his reaction.

Minho swallowed, his fists clenched. “How bad is it?”

“Minho…”

“How…bad?” Minho growled.

“She sub-dropped.”

Minho took a deep breath. “I wanna see her.”

“I don’t think that’-”

“Tell her I’m not going to hurt her. That I’m chained-”

“She’s in the med room…we are waiting for her to wake up.” Seungmin spoke in a quiet voice.

Minho finally looked at him and Seungmin shivered under his intense gaze. 

“It’s not your fault-” Seungmin tried to say.

“It is. I did this.” Minho looked back at the ground. “You should go be with her.”

“I’m here to help you with your rut. She’s got plenty of people around her right now.”

“I don’t need help.” Minho stated.

“Minho…”

“Seungmin…I love you…but I demand you leave. Go.” Minho commanded with his alpha voice.

Seungmin stood, shoulders slumped, and with one last look, he left. He headed back to the house, finding Changbin. Changbin sighed upon hearing about Minho but told Seungmin to just give him space to process. Seungmin did bring Minho dinner after a little while but he said he didn’t want it.

The next day, Changbin had gone to bring him food. Minho was sitting there, staring off in space. Changbin could see a tent where the sheet covered his crotch but Minho ignored it. Changbin undid the chains, but Minho didn’t move. 

“You need to eat.” Changbin said after a few minutes of silence.

Minho just stared at the floor, catatonic.

“She’s doing better.” Changbin offered. “Her vitals are going up so that’s promising. We are still trying to find Chan but I swear it-”

“Chan is missing?” Minho finally spoke, looking to Changbin.

“Seungmin didn’t tell you?”

“No. Tell me what?”

“Chan didn’t come home yesterday. The Mansae pack is here to help us find them.”

“That’s what Seungmin meant when he said she’s got plenty of people around her.” Minho muttered.

“Yes. I swear it’s the Nykos but we have no proof. Two of Seungcheol’s people went to track their phones’ last location. Hopefully from there we can find them.”

“If it was the Nykos, go storm their house and get them back.” Minho deadpanned.

“If we do…and they aren’t there…” Changbin shook his head. “We can’t be reckless. You know this.”

Minho sighed. “I hate that I put this on you and Innie.”

“It’s not your fault. Plus, I think it’s good for Innie.”

“I knew I should have kicked her out of my room.” Minho shook his head.

“Minho…you would still be dealing with your rut. So you would still be here.” Changbin reminded him. “Eat please.”

Reluctantly, Minho ate his food and Changbin went back to the house. Seungmin would be there later and end up helping him a bit with his rut, Minho’s urges taking over.

Hoshi and Mingyu finally called, letting everyone know that they found their phones as well as the car flipped over in a ditch. They were further convinced of this being a kidnapping since one of the doors was ripped off. It was also unsettling to think they were hurt from the car accident. 

Jeongin was soothing Felix as he sobbed in his lap, this all being too much for the sensitive beta. Jeongin was doing his best to remain calm and collected, soothing Felix and learning from the older alphas and betas.

Nighttime finally came and everyone was getting some rest. Changbin was restless of course but sleeping. The Mansae pack was scattered around the house, sleeping on couches or piled with each other in the guest room. 

Jeongin, after finally getting Felix relaxed and sleeping, went to check on you. He was standing in the doorway, watching you carefully. You were sleeping peacefully, although your skin looked pale. Jeongin missed your smile, the sound of your voice, your laugh. He smiled at the memories, impatient for you to wake.

Thump…thump…thump…thump…th-

Jeongin hurried to your side, squeezing your wrist. No pulse.

“FELIX!” Jeongin yelled, starting CPR.

Felix popped up, confused. 

“FELIX!” Jeongin called again, waking a few others.

Felix sprinted into the room, Joshua shaking Seungkwan.

“What happened?” Felix questioned. 

“I don’t know. One minute she was fine. Then I heard her heart stop.” Jeongin explained.

“Push epi.” Joshua said.

Felix measured out the epi and fed it through your IV, Jeongin still giving CPR. Felix’s eyes were teary but he blinked them away. He had to be strong for you right now.

“Pulse check.” Joshua said.

Jeongin stopped as Joshua pressed two fingers under your jawline.

“She’s got a pulse.” 

They all breathed a sigh of relief.

“Ohh, thank god.” Felix said, dropping to the ground.

“Breath, Lixie.” Jeongin rushed to his side and rubbed his back as he cried. The stress was definitely getting to him.

“Her heart is weak right now. But it’s fighting.” Joshua informed.

“She’s strong. She’s a fighter.” Felix sniffled, standing up. “She made it out of that hellhole. She will survive this.” 

Joshua smiled sympathetically, nodding his head.

“You three rest, I’ll keep watch.” Seungkwan offered.

“I’m fine.” Felix said, holding onto your hand.

“Lix, you only slept an hour. And only four the night before” Jeongin held Felix’s other hand. 

“I’m not leaving her side again!” Felix nearly yelled. 

“Okay,” was all Jeongin said.

Jeongin stepped out of the med room, Joshua and Seungkwan too. They laid back down in their spots on the couch, Jeongin noticing Minho at the back door. He was inside, just standing there staring with a blank expression. Jeongin sniffed the air, not catching the scent of his rut. Was it over already?

Seeing Minho’s eyes look towards the med room, he wondered how much of that he heard.

“Go see her.” Jeongin whispered.

Minho looked at him, making him squirm under the harsh stare.

“I’m sure it would help if you go hold her hand or-” Jeongin stopped when Minho moved.

Minho walked around the couch opposite of the med room and headed upstairs without a word. Jeongin pouted. If he would go see you, it might help you recover, especially now that you’re bonded and he marked you. But Jeongin didn’t push. Instead he just tried to get some sleep.

It was the early hours of the night and everyone was asleep. Minho stood in the doorway of the med room, refusing to enter as he watched your slow breaths. He locked in on the faint heartbeat of yours, staring as Felix was cuddled into your side, finally sleeping. The bed was barely big enough for the both of you but he didn’t care. He needed to be close to you.

Minho looked behind him, seeing Jeongin asleep on the couch. He remembered what he said, and what he’d been taught of soulmates. Sighing, he stepped forward, coming to your side opposite of Felix. Seeing you like this made his heart ache. He had done this - he had nearly killed you. And you were still not out of the woods yet. 

Hesitantly, he reached his hand out to yours and took it. Your touch felt tingly on his skin as held your hand. Studying you, it sounded as if your heart beat was stronger. Counting, he realized it was elevated. Maybe being bonded does help. 

He held your hand for a while, not wanting to pull away. Nearly twenty minutes passed and he heard movement from the living room. He closed his eyes, leaning down and breathing your scent before whispering in your ear.

“I’m sorry.” He kissed your cheek and left, his hand slipping from yours.

It was the next morning when Doctor Quinn returned. She checked your vitals, Felix filling her in on what happened last night. It made her worry, but your vitals were in a healthy range and she felt optimistic of your recovery. Felix wouldn’t believe it till you were awake and talking though.

Minho was upstairs, cooking breakfast for everyone. Changbin insisted he rest but Minho ignored him. So Jeongin and Changbin pitched in to help him cook for everyone. Soon breakfast was ready, Felix refusing to leave your side. Seungmin brought him a plate down, kissed your temple and went upstairs to eat.

“We can’t keep sitting around. We need to go to the Nykos and get our boys back.” Minho said once everyone was done eating.

“We don’t know how many people are at their house right now. Their numbers are huge…like five times ours. We would have to bring everyone - I-land and Ahgase - and hope we have enough.” Seungcheol noted.

“Someone has to stay behind for y/n,” Seungmin added.

“Doctor Quinn can.” Minho said. 

“What if they bring a handful of people for y/n? Doctor Quinn can’t protect her from one alpha, let alone like two or three betas.” Seungmin pointed out.

Minho sighed. If they split their numbers to leave you guarded, they risk not having enough to rescue their members. Not that they had enough anyways if reinforcements were already in place. If they had your pack members, they probably had packs on guard ready to attack. 

“Even if we leave her with just Doctor Quinn, who says we would make it past the border. They would be expecting us and keep us off their lands. We could very much not even make it to the house.” Wonwoo said as if he read Minho’s thoughts.

“I just can’t stand them being there as long as they have. Who knows what shit Lewis is pulling right now.” Minho grumbled, running his fingers through his hair.

“What if we have Doctor Quinn take y/n away. Hide her somewhere while she recovers. She would be safe, and we better our odds on the front lines. We are just going to have to take the chance of guarded borders and large numbers.” Changbin suggested. “We can call I-land and Ahgase. Tell them to get here immediately and make our move tonight. That way our people don’t spend another night there.”

“I hate to play devil’s advocate…” It was Hoshi, raising his hand to intervene. “But what if they aren’t even at the house. Lewis could have taken them somewhere else.”

It was silent.

That was definitely an option, one they didn’t want to think about. If they made it to the house, and their people weren’t there…

“Then we torture him until he talks. Kill no one and only take prisoners. Someone will break and tell us where they are being held.” Minho states. “We move at dusk. I’ll call I-land and get them here. S.Coups, can you call Ahgase?”

“Of course.”

“Everyone, get some rest and fuel up. I need you at your best.” Minho says. 

Everyone nods and moves to get themselves fight ready for tonight.

Meanwhile in the basement, Felix was checking your vitals for the third time that hour. He was stressing to say the least, anxious your heart would stop again. You had been dressed in some of your clothes, the new mark cleaned carefully by Doctor Quinn.

As he took your blood pressure, reading the dial as he listened, you blinked your eyes open. Your brows furrowed at the harsh overhead lighting. You blinked rapidly as your eyes adjusted, turning your head slowly when you noticed someone next to you. A small moan escaped you, causing Felix to look at you. 

“You’re awake!” Felix practically fell on you. “Oh my god, you’re awake!

You groaned a little as he squeezed you, your lips turning up into a small smile.

“Oh, y/n! I was so worried. We all were!” Felix spoke with tears in his eyes.

You swallowed, trying to sit up.

“Easy. Take it easy. Let me get you some water.” Felix sprinted from the room, across the living room to the bar and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. He was back within thirty seconds and placed it to your lips. He tipped it slowly, helping you drink.

“What happened?” you rasped, coughing.

He helped you with a few more sips. “What do you remember?”

You thought back. The last thing you remembered was waking up in Minho’s arms and he had started his rut. Your eyes got wide, worried about what happened during that time for you to end up in the med room with Felix crying. But Felix waited for you to speak, not forcing any memories.

“I remember Minho got his rut. And…I pushed him to let me help.”

Felix nodded. “That’s it?”

“I remember feeling this…blinding pain. Like nothing I had ever felt before. Not even with the Nykos.” You said that last sentence in a small voice, hating that something hurt you more than the Nykos.

“Minho marked you. He went feral upon seeing Lewis’s bite and his instincts went into overdrive.”

“But it didn’t hurt like that before.”

“It’s because he was overwriting the old one. Your old bond was being broken, a new one forming. Doctor Quinn was supposed to be here to observe when you were finally ready. You know, in case you sub-dropped… which you did.” Felix explained.

“Where is he? Where’s Minho? Is he okay?”

“He’s upstairs and he’s fine.”

“I should help him.” you moved to stand.

“Whoa, y/n.” Felix guided you back down. “Help him with what? His rut?”

You nodded.

“You’re in no condition for that. Plus he’s not rutting anymore.”

“What? How?”

“I don’t know. He stopped last night.” Felix shrugged.

“How long have I been out?” 

“Two days.” Felix whispered, stroking your cheek.

“Two days?!” You gasped. “Wait, he's done already?”

“Apparently. It's confusing for him too.” Felix shrugged. “But he said there have been reports of skipping a rut or one ending early during times of high stress.”

It was quiet for a few moments as you processed everything Felix told you. He tucked your hair behind your ear, smiling at you. 

“I’m sorry.” you whispered, looking at your hands as they fidgeted in your lap.

Felix took your hand in his. “Sorry for what, love?”

“Being a burden. We should be worrying about the Nykos…”

“No, no. Shhhh.” Felix squeezed your hand. “You are never a burden. We will always take care of you, no matter what. We love you. I love you.”

You meet his loving gaze, your own eyes watering. “You do?”

“Yes. I don’t care if it seems too soon. I know how I feel.” Felix says. He was always one to wear his heart on his sleeve.

“Felix, Minho wants to see - hey you’re awake!” 

You tensed at the foreign man coming into the med room. Felix felt you squeeze his hand and remembered you hadn’t met them yet.

“It’s okay. This is Joshua. He’s part of the Mansae pack. He’s a friend and he’s been helping me take care of you. Him and Seungkwan.”

You looked at him and he smiled at you. You looked down, avoiding eye contact with the alpha and whispering, “Thank you.” 

“Oh course. I’m glad to see you awake and talking.”

“I have to go see Minho. Will you be okay stay-” “Let me come.” you pleaded.

“Y/n…you need rest.”

“I’m okay. I’ve been resting. I wanna see Minho.”

Felix didn’t know how to tell you that Minho didn’t really want to see you right now. Instead, he was too busy beating himself up over it all.

“Y/n…” Joshua stepped forward. “You were…without a pulse for a while. Felix and Jeongin finally brought you back but your heart stopped again just last night. I’m happy, but a little surprised you’re awake so soon after that. And with such strong vitals…. I know it’s a lot to take in, but you really should rest your body. You don’t want to stress it too soon.”

You looked to Felix to see if what Joshua was saying was true but he was looking down at your intertwined fingers, gnawing his lower lip. It must be true and the thought made you whine. Truth is, Felix was happy Joshua told you, he didn’t have the heart to relive it by telling you himself.

“I’ll send the boys down, okay?” Felix forced a smile as he reassured you.

You just nodded, knowing he needed to go. 

Upstairs, Felix rushed over to the boys on the couch.

“She’s awake! Y/n’s talking and she’s awake!”

“Really?!” Jeongin popped up from the couch.

Felix nodded his head excitedly.

Changbin, Seungmin, and Jeongin rushed downstairs, racing and arguing about who’s getting the first hug.

Minho remained seated on the couch, not showing how relieved he was to hear this news. He couldn’t bear it if he had killed his soulmate - hell, their soulmate.

“Don’t say a word.” Minho warned them as they descended the stairs.

“Say a word about what?”

“I don’t want her to know about our mates. She doesn’t need the stress.”

“You’re going to lie to her?”

“No.”

“Lying by omission is still lying.”

“Doctor Quinn is going to take her somewhere private and secluded while we infiltrate the Nykos.” “I’ll go with her.”

“Felix. I need you fighting with us. We need everyone helping. We don’t know what we are walking into or how many people will be there.” Minho’s tone was serious and gave no room for protest.

Felix's shoulders dropped but he nodded.

“So I need you rested and ready. We leave at dusk. I-land and Ahgase will be here soon. Doctor Quinn too. We will leave and then she will take y/n away.”

“This is all happening so fast.” Felix stated.

“I know. But I can’t leave them at Lewis’s mercy another night.”

“Okay. I’ll be ready.” Felix said.

“Thank you.”

“You should go see her.” 

“Go eat.” Minho stood and walked off.

“Minho.” Felix stood and he stopped. “She’s okay. You don’t have to punish yourself. Go see her. She even asked about you.”

Minho looked back at Felix and, without a word, left towards his room. Once behind his door, he exhaled heavily, clutching his chest as he dropped to his knees. Silent tears fell from his eyes as relief washed over him. He sobbed for a few minutes before collecting himself and standing. 

He hadn’t been in his room since coming back from the rut house, too preoccupied with everything going on. And now, he’s seeing the messy state he left behind. Walking forward, he looked down at his unmade bed - the sheets blood stained. You bled on his sheets when he bit you, and now the sheets were a reminder.

Minho moved robotically, ripping the sheets from his bed. He rolled them up into a ball and took them out to the trash in the garage. Then he came up, finding new sheets in the hall linen closet. He made his bed and tidied up his room before going back to his action plans.

The boys had practically fallen down the stairs to get to you, scaring you briefly with all their commotion. 

“Y/n!” They exclaimed, about to attack you with a group hug. 

“Easy.” Joshua warned, but to no avail. 

You winced, the pressure of them hugging you made your shoulder hurt a bit. The mark was still sensitive, your tissue healing.

“Sorry.” Seungmin muttered, kissing your temple. 

Jeongin leaned in and kissed your forehead, Changbin kissing your cheek. He wanted to kiss your lips but nobody knew about the first time. (He also didn't want to do it in front of everyone).

“Are you hungry? Seungmin can make you some food.” Changbin offered.

You shook your head. 

“You need to eat. It's been like three days, darling.” Seungmin squeezes your hand. 

You pout but don't say anything.

“I'm gonna make your favorite, okay?” Seungmin says. 

You can't help but smile. He pecks your cheek and then hurries off upstairs. 

“Where are the others?” You ask.

“Um…they are working on the,uh…the Lewis problem.” Changbin says. 

You notice the way his smile seems tight. Like he's hiding something. But you don't get a chance to ask because Felix comes back and sits on the edge of the bed. 

“This one…has refused to leave your side.” Jeongin says, jabbing his thumb in Felix's direction. 

Felix smiles sheepishly. “I was worried.”

“We all were. But we still rested and ate.” Jeongin notes.

You smile at Felix, your heart warming at his undying love. All of them cared about you so much and you didn't know how to handle it. It was overwhelming but in the best way. 

After a few minutes of them cooing over you and helping you to the bathroom, Seungmin returned with food. 

“M'lady,” he said with a bow. 

You giggled, taking the plate. It smelled so good, your stomach growled loudly. The boys chuckled as you started eating. 

Joshua came back in, telling the boys that Minho was asking for them. They promised to be back quickly, leaving you alone to your thoughts. You kept eating, thinking about how you probably scared them all so bad. It looked like they hadn’t been sleeping much and that made you sad. 

Suddenly, you got a bright idea for a sleepover night. You would get pillows and blankets and set them up in the living room, demanding everyone huddle together for the night. That would probably be the best way to get everyone to have a good night’s rest. And that way you didn’t have to be alone with your nightmares just yet.

After eating, you attempted to stand. The IV was still in your arm, but you ripped it out, now knowing how to turn off the flow of it. You pushed the covers off and swung your legs over. Your body was stiff and you wanted to move around to get the blood flowing.

You slid off the bed, your feet dropping about a foot before hitting the cold tile. Your legs felt a little weak and wobbly but you managed all your weight on them. Carefully, you walked to the foot of the bed and found that it wasn’t hard - you didn’t even need to support yourself. You continued walking, upstairs to a living room crowded with foreign faces.

You froze, not sure what to do. The mix of smells was overwhelming. You looked into the kitchen and saw Minho at the island. Quickly, you walked over and hugged him from behind. He tenses.

“Are you okay?” you whisper.

Minho swallows. “I should be the one asking that.”

You let go and he finishes making his sandwich. 

“Minho…” you start.

“I gotta get some planning done.” Minho walked out of the kitchen and down the hall to Chan’s office.

You pout. He barely looked at you. And he seemed so distant. Your mark began to sting a little. He wasn't… rejecting you, was he? He hasn’t been this cold since your first day. Your cheeks flush red as you realize all the people probably witnessed that.

“He’s just processing.” One spoke up. “I’m Seungcheol.”

“Y/n.” you forced a smile.

“I think he blames himself for you… well… you almost dying.” 

The idea made your heart ache. Nothing about this was his fault. It was yours since you pushed him the other morning. Sighing, you go back downstairs. You stopped at the bottom of the stairs, not wanting to go back into that room. So you decided to go out back.

Outside, you inhaled deeply, enjoying the smells of the yard. The fresh crisp smell of the leaves and trees. It was a bit colder than you last remembered, making you hug yourself. You stepped forward, your barefeet in the grass. It was comforting - the freeness of being outside. 

You caught a whiff of unknown wolves as you heard chatter from above. It must be members of the other pack on the balcony. You went to go back in before you caught some of the conversation.

“I don’t know what condition we are going to find Chan in. I’m worried.” one of them said.

Find Chan?

“Lewis is probably doing a num-ber on him for taking the omega. And I can’t wait to put a hot poker through his eye.” spoke a second one with a grunt as he acted out the motion.

Lewis what?

“Tell me about… That bastard needs to be humbled.” the first spoke again.

Your legs move before you think, carrying you upstairs. You look around the living room, everyone stopping and looking your way. Some hushed voices whispered as you made your way down the hall to Chan’s office. Swinging the door open, you find it empty. You march back down the hall and upstairs.

“Y/n? What are you doing out of bed?” It was Jeongin.

“Where’s Chan?” you asked.

“Uh, he’s with-

“Lewis?” you interrupt.

Jeongin swallowed.

“H-how do you know that?”

“So it’s true.”

“Y/n…” 

“You weren’t going to tell me?” your voice was getting louder.

Jeongin pulled you into Felix’s room since it was the closest. It was the only bedroom without a neutral color scheme, a dark blue on the walls. It also had a cute window seat on the far wall.

“What are -,” Felix said, caught off guard by the intrusion.

“She knows.” Jeongin deadpanned.

“Knows?” Felix asks cautiously.

“That Chan is with Lewis.” you answer, crossing your arms.

Felix’s eyes go wide, sucking in a breath.

“What happened?” you ask.

They sat you down, explaining everything they knew.

“Let me come with you.”

“You just woke up from a two-day coma.” Felix states.

“I can fight.”

Jeongin laughs.

“It’s not funny. I’ve been training too. Please! I can’t sit here and do nothing when it’s my fault in the first place.”

“It’s not your fault.” Felix gives her a look.

“If I hadn’t veered off course and ended up in your yard, they would be prisoners right now.”

“If you hadn’t ended up in our yard, you would probably be dead. Or still suffering and not knowing you had actual soulmates.” Changbin stated from the doorway.

You all turned to see the beta with his arms crossed. He wasn’t wrong…

“Minho said Doctor Quinn was going to take you somewhere safe in case they try to come here for you.” Changbin explained.

“No.” You say, standing from Felix’s bed. 

“Sorry, babe.” Changbin shrugged.

“This isn’t fair.” “It’s for your protection.” Jeongin grabbed your hand. “Please let us keep you safe.”

You look into his pleading eyes. You didn’t know if it was his cute pout or he did some alpha influence thing, but you rolled your eyes. “Fine. I’m going to shower.”

You left their room, showered and dressed within an hour. It felt nice to freshen up and put clean clothes on. Then you went over to your nightstand, taking out a notepad and pen. You decided to write a note to Minho to leave on your bed. 

Sorry boys,

I can’t let anymore of you get hurt by Lewis. 

I Love You.

You glanced one last time at your room, not knowing whether you would ever make it back. You committed it to memory and closed your door. Then you casually made your way down to the basement. Most of the hybrids were congregated in the kitchen eating. You heard the doorbell and realized it was probably the other packs coming in. But you kept going. 

The few people in the basement were asleep. So you quietly snuck past them, opening the basement door and slipping out. You hurried across the lawn, checking to make sure there wasn’t anyone up on the balcony before doing so. Once the coast was clear, you darted into the trees and hurried off towards the Nykos. 

You didn’t know how far it was to their property, but you pushed on. At least you had shoes now and proper clothes, although you probably should’ve worn pants and a sweater, not shorts and a t-shirt. The sun was beginning to set, making the air feel colder.

You pushed on, hugging yourself to keep warm. The scent in the air started to smell more familiar, flashes of your nights running away from the brothers came to mind. You pushed them away and walked forward. 

It had been an hour and the sun was nearly set. You continued on, watching your step. You followed the scent, climbing up a hill at one point. Then you notice a worn path. Looking up, you see a tree with letters carved in it - your initials. You were here. You made it back to Nyko territory. 

Now you just had to make it into the house undetected and find the boys. They would probably be in the basement like you were. The hairs on your arms and neck stood up. It was eerie being back after all this time. The memories kept threatening to creep up on you, but you focused on your mates and happy memories.

Snap.

You jump, twirling around. No one was behind you. You swear you heard a branch. Cautiously, you keep walking. It was quiet for a minute until another snap. You turn again. But this time, everything goes dark. Your hands instinctively reach for your face - a bag covering it. Muscular arms grab you and lift you up.

You scream and thrash in an effort to get away but his grip doesn’t loosen. You hear the creak of the backdoor and know that you’re now in the house. You’re thrown to the ground, bag removed. You blink at the light as your eyes adjust. Looking at the man hovering over you, you don’t recognize him. He must be from an allied pack, hence why he was guarding the border.

“Boss will be out to see you.” he grumbled, his voice deep and crackly.

You look around and notice another man standing by the outside door. You were in the living room, the basement door off by the far wall. The lock on the door was open. Perfect.

You eye the men, watching as one paces the living room. The other stands guard, looking between you and his comrade. You slowly adjust your position on the floor, subtly getting yourself closer to the door. The one who carried you pulls out his phone. You look to the other and he’s looking outside. As quietly as you can, you rush to the basement door, swinging it open.

“Hey!” the men yell after you but you’re halfway down the stairs.

That god awful smell hits you, making your eyes water. You splash in the puddles as you hurry to look in the cells. They were empty. Not even the other omegas were in here. Panic sets in as you make your way to the torture room in the back. You hear the mens’ footsteps coming down the stairs.

Please don’t be in here. Please. You think as you round the corner.

The door was wide open and you were met with an unpleasant sight.

You gasped loudly, staring at the hanging body. It was naked and covered in open wounds from torture, completely mutilated. But it wasn’t Chan.

It was Lewis.

He was dead. Alpha Lewis was dead.

Your vision started to blur and you felt lightheaded. Your stomach churned at the sight, making you lean over and vomit on the floor.

The men groaned, carrying you back upstairs. They dumped you on the floor yet again and, this time, the room started to spin. You tried to focus your vision at the sound of footsteps, but you were only met with a pair of black boots and an unfamiliar voice.

“Hello, little sis.”

TAGLIST:

@estella-novella @lxvxchxrlxttxbxrsx22-blog @butterflydemons @readr1221 @gaby105-skz @notevenheretbh1 @bah2004 @sinfulfic @bowsnbang @just-a-blackthorn-cookie @dreamerwasfound @motheraiya55 @m00njinnie @writeuntilthebitterend @jutdwae-flower @staytinyluv @emmxxsworld @galaxy4489 @wolfo2027 @iknow-uknow-leeknow @thatgirlangelb @fr34k4c1dr41n

[heathermason6060]

Daryl Dixon x f!Reader: Together Apart Ch. 6

(Hes sitting next to you in this pic :D)

Warnings/Mentions: History of abuse, neglect, strong language, mentions of character death, alcohol and drug abuse, ptsd, shared trauma, reader is cold, angst, fluff, eventual smut, slowburn, angst, SMUT Summary: You search for Daryl after Negan's lineup. You didn't understand the trauma he went through, and eventually you decide enough is enough, and you leave. Notes: The last chapter! Somewhat proofread. Filled with tensions overflowing and then some sex. I had a lot of fun writing this and want to thank @louifaith again for allowing me to write out her idea. It's also pretty long because I didn't want to break it into two chapters, it didn't really make sense that way. Longish read, but longish smut at the end if you're just here for sex and want to skip ahead.

When you found out he left on some halfcocked revenge mission, you were pissed. And then you learned nearly everyone else had gone too, you were pissed and confused. 

The rare presence of the others had become more common than the familiar presence of Daryl. He was gone more often than not now, either out with Aaron or off with Rick. Even when he was home, he was never really there. He didn't laugh at your crude insults about others anymore, he didn't want to spend all day with you out hunting in the woods. It looked like was also making an effort to smoke less, often declining your outstretched cigarette. He was the one who got you to smoke once. You used to hate it, but eventually associated the smell of tobacco with him, and you grew to love it.

You couldn't read him like a book like you once did. He'd become overly serious, distant, and uncharacteristically concerned with the well-being of others. 

You had half a mind to just leave. The only reason you hadn't left months ago was Daryl, but the way he was treating you felt like a slap in the face. It hurt. For the first time in so long you hurt. You felt utterly and completely alone, leading you to once again close yourself off from the others, spending all your time hunting or scavenging for substances in the city that could make you feel better. You scored an unopened bottle of painkillers, something you once hated, and drowned your sorrows with a stuffed nose and a foul post nasal drip. 

The savior issue never really seemed like a big deal to you when it first arose. Some asshole raiders trying to make a point, you didn't give a shit. Rick and Daryl would handle it like they always did. 

You took a deep drag from your cigarette as you watched the front gates being opened, two heavy duffle bags over each of your shoulders. You’d come to terms with it, you were leaving, and that was it. You weren't some obedient housewife that didn’t mind the absence of Daryl, you were his best friend and you couldn’t put up with the dramatic emotions anymore. You were fully prepared for the conversations that would ensue, a list of reasons you should stay, maybe some light pleading, so when you saw what came from those gates you froze. 

The muscles in your jaw throbbed as you listened to Rick's pitiful attempt at retelling you what happened, his eyes red and puffy, his hair wet and matted to his forehead. He couldn't, so he gave up, and drug his feet into the house, moving in a way that closely resembled the dead. Carl followed, and you realized Maggie was missing too. Your heart dropped. 

“What the fuck is wrong with him? What happened?” You gaped, looking from face to face, searching desperately for an answer, only to be met with the ghosts of their former selves. You spotted Aaron and realized he was almost never out without Daryl, and your confusion snapped violently to panic. Michonne was really the only one who wasn't too shocked to speak. She told you everything in great detail, her words cold and harsh as she made her anger towards your insensitive behavior well known. Each word she spoke felt like a curse, spitting at you with such venom you'd never had directed towards you before. You deserved it. 

You weren't a good person like them. The deaths of Glenn and Abraham didn't make you cry, go through all the stages of grief and have a mental crisis, in the moment she told you they just felt like problems you’d deal with later, you didn’t have the time. Not when you still had no idea where Daryl was. 

Despite not being a good person, you reacted to the news in a way that was very impressive by your standards. You didn't scream at anyone, or punch Gabriel in the face, you just threw your already packed bags in the car and set off. 

You chain-smoked an entire pack of cigarettes the first hour of searching. You never did find the saviors home, even though you didn't stop searching to sleep the first few days. You found the location of the massacre, a few shredded pieces of clothing and blood stained dirt. You were brought to furious tears at the thought of the scenario where you were in Daryl's position, and him yours. Your first assumption was that he would've already tracked you down by then, him and his one man army breaking you out and taking you far away from the entire state. Then the second, and more daunting assumption, would he even look? Would he be too busy taking care of Rick and the others, the task of rescuing you put on a back burner? 

You told yourself maybe you were just impulsive and stupid, maybe Daryl in that scenario was just being smart and careful, you were just a guns blazing idiot who didn't think far into the future. 

It felt like you'd been out there for weeks, living off a diet of cigarettes and various illegal substances. You nearly stuck a knife in the face of  a woman who was unlucky enough to walk into the same store you were in. 

“No, please, don't.” She sniveled pathetically, her hands raised to the sides of her head in surrender. “I don't have anything. Please. I can take you to my camp, we've got food and water and medicine-”

“Dude, shut up. Just thought you were a walker. Goddamn.” You sheathed your knife and stood back, the tip of your tongue held between your teeth in thought. “But I'm hungry as fuck!”

She took you back to her camp, which was extremely impressive. And just in time, too, your stomach growled noisily and you felt the small waves of hunger nausea begin. 

“Put your gun away, please.” She pleaded in a hush whisper as you stood in front of the wooden gates. 

You looked to her with furrowed eyebrows, your cheeks hollowed out as you pulled on your twentieth cigarette that day. You really needed to cut back. “No.” You muttered around the cigarette, eventually sighing and slinging your rifle over your shoulder with a dramatic eye roll. 

The sight of Rick and Maggie chatting outside with a small group of others felt like you'd been slapped in the face. They looked just as stunned as you were, pausing their conversation. You stood there for about ten solid seconds before the silence finally broke. 

Rick opened his mouth to speak but you raised your hand, stopping him. “Don't have time. Just gonna eat and leave.” 

“Daryl's here.” The sound of Maggie's harsh voice halted your route to the front of the mansion. You couldn't hide the look on your face, an intense ‘this better not be a lie’ mix of anger and disbelief. She pointed up to your previous destination with raised eyebrows and you took off. 

He almost punched you in the face when you jumped him. He was still wet from a shower, littered in various sized bandages and bruises, wearing a fresh set of clothes. He smelled like laundry detergent and cheap flowery shampoos. 

“Holy shit I thought they killed you. Holy shit. Mother fucker.” You babbled into his chest as he squeezed you so hard your back cracked. 

It felt indescribable being in his arms again. It also felt incredibly different. You'd hugged him hundreds of times but something about this particular hug stood out. It was desperate and deep, you didn’t worry about coming off as soft or being too much. Your fingers dug into the sleeves of his shirt around his biceps, your face buried into his chest, and his hands were all over you. He couldn't decide where to touch you, your arms, your face, your hair, your back, they would move from place to place as he cemented into his mind that you were really there, there in his arms, holding and petting him like you'd always done before. His mind flashed with images of him back in that cell and his throat tightened, the slightest whisper of a whimper sounding in the back of his mouth. He held you tighter and kissed the top of your head, rocking you in his arms for a few silent moments as you pulled yourself together. 

“Where the hell you been? Rick said ya left with all your shit.” His voice was tight, the way it would get when he would try not to cry, along with raising in pitch a little. 

You looked up and smiled softly, seeing him through a sheen of wet tears. “Doesn't matter.” You hummed as you stroked his cheek. “Really. It doesn’t. I've been looking for you, only reason I'm here is because some bitch thought I was robbing her and told me about this place. Couldn't keep looking if I was starving.” You buried your face back in the fabric of his shirt and sighed deeply. 

“Told ya, I ain't leavin'. I ain't dyin’ neither.” His warm words in that deep rumble resulted in your racing heart finally slowing its pace. 

“What happened? Are you okay?” You pulled back from his chest to look up at his face. He looked miserable, it broke your heart. He looked away from your gaze, unable to keep eye contact, which was something he never struggled with before when it came to you. “Daryl?”

His head immediately dropped and his forehead collided with your shoulder. Your heart banged against your ribcage and you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, stroking the back of his neck and kissing the side of his head while he stifled his soft sobs.

“Let's leave. C'mon.” You parted from him, only to be pulled back by his grip on your wrist. 

“Y’jus’ got here.” Daryl furrowed his brows, his eyes wet with tears that he quickly blinked away.

“Yeah, to eat so I could keep looking for you. I've found you, so let's go.”

“Go where?” 

You gritted your teeth as his grip on you loosened. “Anywhere else, I don't care.” You said through clenched teeth, your gaze intensifying. “We're done with this shit. Not our problem anymore. Let's go. I'm not letting these people get you hurt again. Never, Daryl.”

Daryl had never been the reason you cried, at least, that's what he thought. So when you started cracking at his rejection, his heart shattered. Every bone in his body yearned for him to hold you, bring you back into his arms and make the pain stop. It hurt even more to see that you weren't just upset, you were pissed, disgusted at the fact that you were showing such weakness in front of the same person who made you cry. 

“I gotta. ‘Jus need to do this.” He attempted to comfort you after your rage at your perceived betrayal faded into tears of defeat. “M’doin’ it for us. Ya gotta trust me on this.” 

There was a small glimmer of hope then, and you allowed yourself to feel it. You were desperate to believe him, and desperate to believe everything would turn out alright. Rick and everyone else would deal with Negan, you'd scratch that burning itch for revenge, and everything would be okay. 

Rick did deal with it, that much came true. At the cost of his son's life, he defeated the saviors.

You were more than willing to fight. You’d been dying for a purpose, and being a soldier in the war against Negan was exactly what you needed. You looked like a cheesy action movie protagonist with two long arm guns on your back and two pistols in each hand. You used more ammo that day than you had in your entire life. God. You wished Merle had been there to see you and Daryl. 

You didn't get the revenge you so desperately craved. You absolutely lost it when Negan was defeated. After Daryl decided against killing Dwight, you lunged at the man like a rabid fox, fully prepared to end his life with just your teeth and hands, only to end up clawing and wriggling in Daryl's grasp. You could've gotten over that eventually, it would take a really long time, sure, Dwight was a brainwashed cult member and did what he did because he was told to. And he'd get his, even if you had to restrain yourself. Fine. It’s fine.

But Rick sparing Negan? 

No. Your reaction to that earned you the reputation of the group's feral animal. You shared the same reaction as Maggie, but unlike her giving up after a while of being held back, you ended up earning a matching set of rope bracelets and anklets.

“You'll have to kill me.” Your throat burned as Daryl tossed you in the back of a blue Toyota camry. He nearly had to force Dwight into the passenger seat at gunpoint, the terror in the backseat scaring him more than the thought of death. 

Your spit was red and thick as it smacked onto Dwight's battered face, blending with the blood that made him unrecognizable. He was barely able to get to his feet after Daryl's threat of death if he was to return, blindly picking up the car keys in the mess of blood spattered leaves. 

The relationship between you and Maggie quickly became a deep friendship as you plotted to kill Negan. Neither of you were allowed to see him in his cell without someone to stand guard, but Maggie even moreso. With enough time you were able to get down there alone, gun in hand, only to be stopped by Michonne, who had apparently come for the same reason. 

“I haven't seen you much before. What's your name.” Negan's eyes followed you as you paced back and forth in front of his cell, seething from the fact that Michonne wouldn't let you kill him yet. She had her own unknown motives, which didn't really matter to you, but all this talking was driving you insane. 

“You don't need to know my name.” You muttered, cutting your eyes at the man. “You look so much smaller than I remembered you looking in that field.”

He winced at your words, placing a hand over his heart in mock offense. “Oh, sweetheart. That hurts. Actually, I've been told I'm pretty impressive.”

He watched you as you continued pacing, your hands sweaty and your eyes wild with rage, confusion, and confliction. A smirk spread on his face. “Look at you. Like a lion in a cage. Well, I’m the one in the cage, but. Coulda used a psycho bitch like you. If you were on my side that day, phew!”

You pulled your gun from your waistband and pulled the trigger. Negan raised hands and jumped. Your heart dropped when you were met with an empty click. You inhaled sharply through your nose and pulled out the clip, which was completely empty. 

Daryl. He dragged you out of the basement, thankful he’d unloaded your guns the night before. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what you were planning. He didn't care that you were pissed, Rick wanted Negan alive, so that's what he was going to stay, even if he did want the prick dead.

It didn't take long for you to pick up on Daryl's trauma. He was good at hiding it from others, nothing much had changed aside from him being quieter. But once your selfish rage had settled you noticed small differences. He slept closer to you at night, no longer on the other side of the mattress, and his nightmares became more violent. He'd thrash in his sleep, tossing and turning and sweating, you found yourself waking him up more times than you could count. Each time he'd get real quiet, maybe from shame, and walk outside to smoke a cigarette. You'd follow him each time and sit quietly on the porch steps, not caring that he didn't offer you a hit. He looked like he needed all he could get. 

You saw him crying with Carol once. His head dipped down and his forehead pressed against her shoulder. If it had been long ago you would've felt hot at the sight, assuming he obviously must've felt closer to her since he hadn't cried like that with you since his capture, but you weren't as shallow and selfish as you once were. Your heart ached for him, wishing he would open up and tell you what happened, you could comfort him too, you wished you could tell him that. 

“Wanna go hunting?” You asked one day, picking up your new hunting rifle, a Savage model 99 that you'd replaced your broken bow with. Daryl shrugged from his spot on the chair beside your bedroom table, not looking up from his work. He was almost always making new bolts in his free time then. He had a pile of twenty-two sitting next to him. 

“Come on, I'm craving venison.” 

He inhaled deeply, his shoulders sagging. 

“Seriously, we haven't hung out in forever man.”

“Hang out?” He said it like you asked him for a ‘playdate’. “What're ya, twelve?”

“No, I'm an adult who misses you, jackass.” You muttered, kicking one of his boots across the floor closer to him. “You've made two hundred arrows in the past week man. I think you can take a break. Yeah, don't look at me like that. I've counted.”

It was when you were alone in the woods that he broke down. You hadn't even asked, he just told you after you took down a buck. He didn't cry at first, he gave a vague retelling, it was only when he felt your arms wrap around his shoulders from behind that he cried. His head hung low as his chest shook with quiet sobs, his hands laying idle and nervous in his lap, his eyes looking down at the stump he sat on. You rested your head in the crook of his neck and held him for a while, your fingers occasionally giving his biceps a reassuring squeeze if his breathing grew too ragged. 

“I'll kill him. I promise. I'll find a way.”

When you were fifteen you skipped school for the first time. Your freshman year, Daryl's too. It was one of the only times you hung out that wasn't just the right time, right place. He was the one who talked you into it, since the two of you shared a history class. He brought cigarettes and a wild assortment of drugs, no doubt nabbed from Merle. 

“We should do this more.” Daryl had said as you walked the power line trails in the woods behind the school. He shrugged when you looked at him, his gaze falling to the grass in front of him. “Hang out, I mean.” 

“Yeah, we should.” You flashed a rare smile, earning one from him as well, the purple skin around his eye wrinkling. 

You never did. You were too busy with school work and getting beat on by your withdrawing mother. Daryl wasn't really busy, in fact, he was alone most of his teenage years. Always alone out in the woods. Sometimes he'd miss school for a week, living in his father's tent deep in the forest, spending his time learning to live on his own. His father never noticed, not until the school called and he got one of the worst beatings he'd ever gotten. You saw him at school a few days after that, one of his last days before he dropped out. 

He looked awful. Busted lips, bruises all over his arms, light purple handprints on his neck, and deep purple blotches around his eyes and jaw. The school called the police, but nothing ever happened. Daryl told them it was from a fight with some kid, and they happily accepted that answer, eager to miss out on the paperwork. 

“We should just leave.” You said after he pulled the cigarette back away from your lips to take a drag of his own. 

“I would.” He muttered as he held the smoke in his lungs, watching the kids in the far off soccer field chasing the ball. His legs dangled off the edge of the school roof, occasionally swinging a bit. 

“I would too.” You wouldn't. Not until you got your brother back. You looked at him, feeling an unfamiliar twist in your heart when you saw the way he flinched under your sudden gaze. “I'd kill him if I could.” 

You truly meant it. Even though Daryl was barely an acquaintance at that point, you would have killed his father if you got the chance. Daryl didn't mean much to you to be brutally honest, you didn't care to form a deep friendship with anyone, but you shared the bond of trauma from parental abuse and that was deeper than any normal friendship. He could leave, never see you again, and you wouldn't be upset, but if you ever had to witness his father touch him it would shatter your soul. 

You promised yourself you'd kill anyone who ever hurt him after that. You almost murdered Andrea when you found out she shot him. You risked being eaten alive by walkers just to make sure the Governor was really dead. You beat Dwight until Daryl dragged you off, if he hadn't done that you would've killed him. 

Things got a lot worse after the day of your failed assassination attempt. Daryl was never home anymore, either at Hilltop or Ezekiel's kingdom. You had reached the point of considering leaving again. The emotional rollercoaster you were going through was taking a heavy toll on your already fucked mental health.

He could see the effect his absence had on you, and it made him feel like shit. There wasn’t much he could do, he had so many responsibilities and he would never ask you to come with him and Rick every time they packed up and went on long trips every five seconds. It felt selfish to him, he didn’t know that you’d be more than happy to accompany him. 

His hands on your tense shoulders as you sat on the edge of your bed did wonders to loosen you up. You set your gun down beside you and looked up to him, forcing a smile. 

“C'mon sweetheart. Wanna show you somethin’.”

He took you on a long walk in the woods to a secluded pond that once belonged to a fisherman, obvious by the raggedy dock and small wooden shack filled with all sorts of fishing tools. There was still homemade canned fish in his cupboards. 

“Gonna stay here for a few days. Jus’ you an’ me.” 

You watched him over your can of trout, chewing slowly. “Really?”

Daryl shrugged and stabbed his fork into his own can. “Yeah. Ya need it.” He cleared his throat awkwardly. “We need it.”

Your heart swelled with warm joy, a smile spread on your face and you tried your best to contain the satisfaction his gift had given you. You missed your best friend more than anyone you’d ever missed before after your baby brother. You’d come to terms with the more than likely possibility that he was dead, and so were your parents. It took a long time and many different weeks spent searching when you were back in Georgia. 

You had a fantastic time with him. You fished all morning, talked all afternoon, and ate your fill of fresh and canned fish. It wasn't long before you set up your bedrolls in the middle of the shack and blew out your candles. It felt amazing to sleep next to him again, you couldn't properly put into words how much you missed him. The feeling of his large warm body next to yours as you fell asleep had you thinking that it was all worth it. He was making an effort to spend time with you again, and with that effort came the sparks of hope, hope that you were getting your best friend back.

You woke up the first night spent with him in the fishing shack to see moonlight seeping through the holes in the tin roof. You rubbed your blurry eyes and sat up, propping yourself up with an elbow on the floor. 

“Daryl?” You murmured sleepily as your eyes came to focus in the dim light. His bedroll was still beside yours, albeit empty. You waited a few minutes before walking outside, assuming he just had to go piss or something. 

Ten minutes passed before you walked back into the shack, now carrying a small candle to light the room, cursing when the wax dripped down your knuckles. The amber glow illuminated his bedroll, bringing attention to a small white square. You leaned down and picked up the piece of paper, squinting in effort to read his handwriting. 

The pain in your chest was deep and dark. Growing up you had grown used to being disappointed by your parents and people around you. It never surprised you. Even now you didn’t expect much from people, but Daryl was that exception. So when you read his little apology, claiming Rick called on him through his walkie to request his help in the Kingdom, you decided you’d had enough.

He had been in the Kingdom for about two weeks until you heard from Rick that they were back.

“We're leaving.” You seethed the moment you stepped into your new shared bedroom with Daryl. It was upstairs in one of the apartments in Alexandria, no longer the basement in Rick's house. You had a nice king sized bed, lots of dressers and shelves, a big ass tv, and even a gaming console that once belonged to Carl. Daryl had only slept in that bed three times since you moved in months ago.

He sighed your name and stood from his seat at the table, setting down the disassembled gun he'd been cleaning. “No we ain't. Cut that shit out.” 

“I can't be here anymore. I can't. I can't.” You began hyperventilating as you ripped the dresser drawer fully out, falling to your knees and quickly grabbing the clothes that spilled out. 

“Stop.” When you didn't comply he made you stop, grabbing your wrists and forcing you to look at him. He spoke in that serious tone that felt like a stab to the chest, his eyes burning holes into yours. “I'm not leavin'.” 

You froze at his words. Your mouth opened and your lips trembled, your breath catching in your throat. The words never came to you. You just stared at him with wide eyes and a horrified look of disbelief.

Daryl didn't speak either. He stood his ground, maintaining a firm gaze, his grip on your wrists slowly loosening. 

It hurt. And that made you angry. 

“Who even are you anymore?” You hissed, tearing your hands away from him and shooting up on your feet. “I never see you anymore, you're cold, distant.” He got to his feet, accepting each blow of your words with this calm face that turned your anger into lividness. 

“You promised me you'd never leave me. You promised you'd always be the one thing Daryl, the one thing that wouldn't change, wouldn't leave, wouldn't hurt me, I kept my promise!” Your finger hammered against your own chest in reference. “You say you're never leaving but you already left! I can see it in your eyes, don't look at me like you have no idea what I'm talking about.” Your face burned. “I can see it. The pity, the disdain. The only reason you haven't just kicked me out is cause you feel like you're obligated to me now, or maybe you're scared I'm some loose canon and I'll burn this fucking house down-”

Daryl had heard enough, he lurched forward until he was inches away from you, his nostrils flared due to his increasingly heavy breathing. “You're fuckin’ delusional!” He spat. “You don't think this is hard on me too? Don't think I'd rather be out there livin’ in some cabin with you? That shit ain't happenin’, these people are family. I ain't leavin' ‘em neither. Shit don't mean I don't care ‘bout ya anymore. We ain't in Atlanta, ‘ts not like that anymore. Ain't just me you ‘n Merle.”

“We should've just left. We should've just left.” You repeated in a breathy whisper, your glazed over eyes locked on his chest. 

“Yeah? Well, we didn't, now we can't. Now I won't.” The purposeful enunciation of the last word was the straw that broke the camel's back, and he immediately regretted it as soon as your eyes squeezed shut. “G’damnit.” 

“Fine.” Your breath was shaky, and you resumed packing. 

He found it impossible to stop you, impossible to move. In reality all it would take from him was a simple request for you to stay, but he couldn't even manage that. It felt like watching a fire you started get out of control, he knew he still had the power to stop it, but he was too stunned to move. 

You zipped up the same second duffle bag you'd packed with the same intention on leaving, just as you'd done before. This time though, it wasn't the same. It felt too final. You knew it would be the last time. Daryl did too, and he still didn’t stop you.

You’d set up camp deep in the woods down a dirt road that led to a pond. You slept in your car with your campfire a few feet away, a pot of wild carrots and rabbit simmering over the coals. It smelt amazing due to your stolen beef bouillon cubes, but you didn’t really have the motivation to eat. You flicked away the first cigarette of your last pack and stared into the red hot coals, watching them ebb and glow until the flash of something large and dark caught your eye. 

You stared in disbelief as you watched his figure move through the thick trees, making his way over to your little camp beside the car you'd stolen from Alexandria. He had a heavy bag with him. 

He plopped his bag down next to your fire and sat down, helping himself to a bowl of your stew. He said nothing, not even looking up at you as he finished your supper.

“The hell are you doing here?” 

He looked up at you and sucked the grease from his fingertips, the empty bowl now discarded at his side. You had no idea how he’d managed to get his fingers coated in rabbit fat, it was fucking soup and he used a spoon. “Ts’it look like?”

You couldn't move, your feet glued to the debris of the forest floor. Your mind spun with questions. If he was actually willing to leave with you, leave all those people behind, why had he shut you out? Why had he changed? What changed? 

“I don't want you here. It's an obvious act of charity.” You finally spoke, watching as he lit a wrinkled cigarette. “You told me yourself-”

“Will ya shut up?” He squinted up at you through the burn of smoke. “Jus’ walked six  damn days to find ya. M’not leavin'.” 

You sat on the opposite side of the fire in silence. He scooted around to sit next to you, and held his cigarette up to your lips. You took a weak pull and sighed. After a while of not speaking, you broke the silence. 

“You're so different. Changed so much”

He nodded at your words, his head tilted down to stare at the leaves between his legs. “Had to.”

“Why?” The question burst from your lips so quickly that it surprised you. 

“You.” He took a deep pull off his cigarette and blew it out the opposite side of his mouth to avoid blowing it directly in your face. “This ain't the kind of life you deserve. Tryin’ to get that for ya. That little house ya dreamed of living in, one with a screened in porch for plants ‘n shit. Life that ya ain't spendin’ hungry, cold, scared.”

He paused for a moment, taking another long drag. “Wanted me to be better too. The kinda man to pick ya flowers, take ya on dates, all that stupid shit.” He flicked the spent cigarette into the fire and leaned back against your car door. 

If it was possible, you were feeling every emotion all at once, in such a rapid and disorienting fashion that it looped back around and made you too shocked to feel. 

He delved deeper, explaining that he felt you deserved better than who he once was, Merle’s echo, a loud and angry asshole, then turned into a cold and traumatized shell, never allowing himself to feel vulnerable with you again. When he finally broke out of it and realized exactly what he wanted, he worked on himself in a determined attempt to be the man you dreamed of marrying as a kid.He worked on your surroundings as well, making sure to eliminate any possible threat in every colony that had even the slightest chance of risking your livelihood. But more importantly, he wanted to be yours. The type of husband you described when you were thirteen years old, cleaning the blood from his swollen ear one of the nights he slept on your back porch. 

“I'm not gonna be like my mom.” You had said firmly, tossing away the bloody tissue paper. “I'm gonna get a good husband and I'm not gonna mess it all up like she did.”

“A good husband?” He questioned curiously, wincing as you dabbed his ear with rubbing alcohol. 

“Yeah, like…. He'll take me on dates, open doors for me, buy me cool stuff, uh….” You trailed off in thought. “He's gonna build me a house too. With a screen porch that I can put a hundred plants in, and he won't be allowed to smoke in it. Oh, he won't smoke, actually. Or drink, or do drugs. He'll never hit me or yell at me like my mom did to my dad, and to me. He'll be handsome too. And smart.”

You were brought to the present with a jolt as Daryl’s hand touched your knee, making you jump. You didn't notice your eyes had started watering and you quickly went to discreetly dab them dry. 

“Guess I fucked up. M’sorry. Was a real piece of shit.”

“No,” your voice broke as you stopped him, grabbing his hand on your knee and giving it a squeeze. “Complete opposite of a piece of shit. I had the wrong idea, I should be the one apologizing.”

“Tsh. Nah.” Daryl waved you off and shook his head. “Should’a told ya. Wasn't thinkin' right.” 

The two of you sat in thoughtful silence until the embers began to grow dim. The forest was thick, so even though the sun was visible as it sank lower and lower, it soon became too dark to see properly. 

“My…” you broke the silence, searching for the right word. “Aspirations have changed since then.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Several seconds of silence.

“How'so?”

“Well, I don't care if he smokes, or does drugs, or curses or can't take me out on a date. He doesn't have to build me a house, but that's still an option.” Daryl snorted, and you went on. “But he does have to own a crossbow, ride a motorcycle without a helmet even though I tell him to, and he definitely needs this,” your finger tapped on the skull tattoo on the back of his hand before sliding up his arm to stroke a line down his back, “and these tattoos. And this.” You touched the mole over his upper lip. “And he definitely has to slur all his words together because of his accent.” 

“That's all, huh?” He joked softly, watching you draw your hand away from his face. “Y’got some low standards for a husband.”

“Oh, right, I forgot. He also has to go back to his family, because that's where he belongs.” There was a quick flash of hurt on his face, his lips parting and his eyes narrowing, so you continued. “And because that's where my dream house is going to be built.” 

In all your years knowing Daryl Dixon, you'd never been sexually intimate. You'd never had sex, flirtation only being reserved for playful teasing banter, you'd never really kissed, aside from that one night at the Greene farm. You'd laid with each other multiple times, more often than not sleeping curled up together in the woods or on the floor of some house. Despite never being sexually intimate there was an unspoken mutual understanding of your relationship, you were together, but not in the traditional standard sense. Neither of you ever had interest in a relationship with anyone, that was simply out of the question. Why have a partner when your best friend is everything you need? 

He became your partner at some point, maybe that's why it caused so much anguish to the both of you when you left. But it was only that night that you solidified it. And the next morning, and in the back of the car on your way back, and on the hood of the car, and after your shower back home, and after dinner, on your bed, on the floor, a second time after that, right before bed, and again the moment you woke up. 

It started with a kiss, which just so happened to be his second ever kiss, the first being you in the back of Dale’s RV. You wouldn't have ever guessed, the way he kissed with so much passion and vigor felt akin to a man kissing the same pair of lips he'd kissed his entire life. And you would have never guessed he was a virgin. 

Each touch was as if he was handling precious glassware. He never took off any of your clothes, he'd just gently tug at your shirt until you got the hint and undressed yourself. 

At some point you moved to the back of the car, he laid you down and closed the door behind him. Your soft pants and gasps quickly led to the windows fogging over, and by the end of it there were beads of precipitation dribbling down the glass. 

He led graciously. His fingers were gentle but firm against your clit through your panties, working hard and with determination to give you the orgasm you deserved. He obeyed your requests for ‘circles, ah, softer, to the left, more’, and before long he was a master in the art of making you come. 

Daryl wanted to give you oral, but you quickly pulled him back up, shaking your head as you gasped for air. “N-no, please. You. Need you.” 

It was shocking that he didn't feel embarrassed when he came early. You'd reached down to stroke his cock, only getting in a few strokes before he pulled away with a strangled gasp, spilling his hot cum on your bare stomach. He didn't have time to feel embarrassed because only seconds later you were taking him in your desperate mouth, giving it your all to make him hard again. 

He didn't take long. After stiffening in your mouth he eased your head away, maneuvering you on your back in such an effortless way that it made you look like you weighed nothing. Due to your wetness and unimaginable arousal it didn't hurt at all when he finally pushed in after rubbing his cock all over your desperate slick flesh. 

You cried out anyway. Your jaw dropped and your eyes rolled back, clutching at his bare shoulders when you felt his pelvis fully connect with you. 

“F-fuck.” You groaned as your eyes rolled back, digging your fingers deeper into his skin.

He let out a moan then, a light and vulnerable sound. You could feel him shaking on top of you as he fought not to finish again. It broke your heart, knowing he wanted to have sex with you so badly, to please you like you had him. 

You stayed as still as humanly possible while you waited for him to move. 

Daryl’s breath slowed and he moved, finally. He fucked you slow at first, slow and deep thrusts that managed to bury his dick further and further inside you each time. With each thrust he let out either a shaky whimper or a deep grunt, and soon he was picking up the pace, fucking a moan out of you each time he drove his throbbing cock back inside. 

When his hand connected with the warm skin of your torso you whimpered, tossing your head back against the car seat. His hands stroked your sides, rough and dirty fingers scraping against your nipples and breasts. He gave one a firm squeeze, eliciting a sharp moan from you, one that he eagerly swallowed down with his hungry mouth, kissing you deeply and feverishly. He was breathing heavy through his nose, hot puffs of air sending waves of heat across your upper lip and cheeks.

A rough slam of his pelvis against yours sent the tip of his cock so deep it was almost painful, your gasp choked in your tight throat, your thighs squeezing the life out of his torso. He groaned at how responsive you were, his hot wet lips sliding down your face to start kissing your neck. 

Daryl was quiet in the sense that he didn't say much. He groaned and whimpered, sure, but he hadn’t said a word since entering you. Which was totally fine by you, but you were a sucker for dirty talk. It was one of your favorite parts of sex.

“Fuck, you feel so good.” You whined, hoping to get a response. He just grunted, a possible returned compliment, his head not moving from the crook of your neck. 

A noticeable increase in his pacing had all thoughts vanishing from your mind in a puff of smoke. You could feel the side of his jaw clenching against your neck, the skin hot and prickly with stubble, the friction eventually becoming uncomfortable. As if he could read your mind he raised his head and looked down at you, the tip of his tongue peeking between his teeth, looking like a man in deep, oh, deep, concentration. 

“Fu-uh-uck-” You babbled, your heavy eyelids shutting against the brutal force of his thrusts. You grabbed onto his biceps again and held on for dear life, giving them a squeeze each time he gave a really deep thrust. 

“That’s it.” Your heart jumped in your chest at the sound of his voice, it was gravely and sounded from the base of his throat. You felt your lower stomach do that delicious flip sensation, your clit throbbing in response to his voice. 

“Mmm’god.”

“I know. I know.” He breathed, taking a second to readjust himself between your legs before going back to his artistic thrusting. He was grinding against you then, barely pulling out, using the full weight of his hips to force himself as deep as possible while he ground into you. You couldn’t speak, could barely breathe, it was a miracle that a virgin could fuck like that. He was a savant at something he’d never done before. You came hard around his throbbing dick, your walls clenching down so hard that it ripped his orgasm straight out of his body. 

You gasped, your fingers tightening around his flexed biceps as your orgasm shook through you in violent waves. You moved your hips on your own, grinding up and against his pelvis to draw your pleasure  out for  as long as possible. 

Daryl wasn't expecting it, he just came. His jaw dropped and he held onto the nearest body part, which just so happened to be your neck. He didn’t choke you, which came as a slight dismissible disappointment, he just held onto you with his large hands as he finished. It was so sudden and unexpected that he couldn’t control the sounds he made, better for you, he let out this beautiful high moan that sent flashes of Daryl in Atlanta behind your closed eyes. His body shuttered and jerked as every single rope of his cum flooded your insides, coating your vice like walls like spilled paint. 

You didn’t give him time to recuperate. You squirmed under him, swapping your positions, and took his softening cock in your mouth. He groaned under you, grabbing you by your hair to pull you away, only to shudder when he felt his cock growing hard again. You smirked against the tip as he gently pulled you back down.

Halfway through he tugged you off of him, the two of you switching spots once again. You whined when you felt his lips connect with your puffy clit, your mind swirling as he used the flexed tip of his tongue to drift between your slick folds. 

“Oh god, daryl.” You panted and ran your fingers through your sweaty hair to push it back over your head. You were either extremely sensitive due to the two orgasms, or he was an extremely skilled pussy eater. Either way you came fast, clenching your thighs around his head to clamp his mouth tight against you. He didn’t ease up as you came, his tongue and lips pulling tricks you didn’t think possible, drawing out your orgasm longer than any time previously. 

He slid up between your legs, planting kisses from your wet mess up your stomach to your chest. He suddenly bit down on one of your nipples, gentle at first, but the moan that came from your lips had him tightening his teeth.

You were under the impression that he would ease you down from your high with light kisses and soft touches, but apparently, he had other plans. His cock plunged back into you before you had any idea what was happening, and he quickly set a fast and intense pace. His hands slipped around both of your wrists and pulled, using the leverage to both fuck you deeper and keep you firmly in place.

If you could’ve seen the state you were in, you’d be a red hot embarrassed bitch. Your mouth was hanging open, your eyes fluttering between open and closed, sounds coming from your throat that envied any moan and whine to ever come out of a woman's mouth. Your hair kept falling back in your face each time his hips slammed into yours, no matter how many times you hastily pushed it away or tucked it behind your ears. You looked at him for as long as you could, but you were too stimulated, it was too hot, he was too beautiful, you had to let them fall shut as you came again.

As cliche as it sounds, your final orgasm, for that night at least, was world shattering. You didn’t care how loud you were or what types of faces you were making. Your body was completely out of your control, your brain on pause as it struggled to deal with the flood of dopamine and oxytocin. 

Daryl wasn’t looking any better, he’d ran miles before and came out looking more put together. He huffed as he came inside you yet again, his dick twitching with each spurt of cum. He braced himself on his elbows on either side of your body, his head drooping down as he managed a few sloppy thrusts. He muttered something then, something you were too fucked up to make out through his thick and slurred accent.

When he finally drew his red and tender dick out of you his heart seemed to skip a beat. The two loads spilled out the second he withdrew, trickling down your folds and over the swollen head of his dick. That was a sight he’d remember till the day he died.  

You fought to catch your breath after he all but collapsed on top of you. It was pure bliss for a few moments, and then it was too hot and too close. Before you could say anything he lifted himself off of you, still waging his own war against his lungs. 

“Getting old there, huh?” You teased, sliding up into a sitting position after grabbing your panties. Yeah, he's old, it's not the fact you just did the same amount of exercise as swimming across the atlantic ocean.

“Shut up.” He breathed as he wiped his damp hair from his face. 

After a few moments of silence, apart from the sounds of your breathing, you dressed yourselves and began loading all your shit into your car. 

“You really walked six days? No bike, no car?” You questioned as he plopped down into the driver's seat, the flame of his lighter illuminating his face. The smell of cigarette smoke had you leaning over and he pressed the filter against your lips. 

“No bike.”

“That’s kind of stupid.”

“Huh. Rich.” He smirked around the cigarette at you before glancing over his shoulder to watch the dirt road as he reversed.

“Yeah, true.”

Your life wasn’t magically fixed after that night, and neither was Daryls, but it did get a lot easier. You zipped up your coat but your shoes were still full of snow, that kind of better. A lot of shit happened, you had your arguments, but no fights. After RIck died you ran off together looking for his body, for Daryl’s closure, living off in the woods somewhere with a dog that liked to growl at you. He was over possessive of Daryl, and so were you, so the two of you were butting heads often.

He never did build you that house, but you moved into one of the newly built homes in Alexandria. He did build you a back porch, which looked great for someone who’d never built an entire screened in porch before, even if it did look a little raggedy in some spots. He even brought home pots for you to plant ‘shit’ in, as he said. 

Daryl wasn’t home often, which didn't bother you anymore, because you were out there with him. 

@ophelialaufey @carlgrimesgfofficial @theskinniestjackson-denny @dilfish-daydreams @louifaith @my1fx @jinx-nanami

[justaticklishdeer]

Self Care

hi so I know this wasn't the one that y'all voted to be released first, but its done and my fear chase one is still a large WIP, so you get this to feed on until I have that one done and/or audios to post word count: around 2.6k

CW/TW: minor angst at the beginning (Al does hurt his ears a little), fluff, tickling (a lil intense,) comfort, all that stuff

uhh overall its just alastor helping lucifer take care of himself!!

SFW Radioapple vibe

‘His Majesty looks quite disheveled.’ 

Well, that was one way to put it. Lucifer hadn’t been in the best mental space for the past few days. His wings needed preened, his hooves needed care, he just needed some sort of self care, but with assistance. He stared at Alastor blankly and the deer just looked back at him with the same gaze–but with some hint of concern behind it. 

‘I’m fine,’ Lucifer mumbled. He stood up, walking across the room, ignoring the pain from where his wings were hidden. Alastor watches with a concerned look. “Lucifer-’ 

‘Don’t even try anything, I told you I’m fine.’ The seraphim glares at him. Alastor didn’t understand. He was trying so hard to comfort him, trying to understand what was wrong, trying to see where Lucifer was hurting mentally or physically. Why wouldn’t he just let him in? “Please, just–just let me understand. Or at least try, I don’t like seeing you so…off.’ 

Alastor comes closer, only for Lucifer to step back. ‘I said I’m fine.’ Alastor’s ears pinned back slightly–was he in the wrong? Surely this wasn’t too pushy of him, his partner would’ve told him by now, right? This wasn’t his fault, right?

He watches as Lucifer walks off, the seraphim yanking his coat on tighter. Alastor could see the smallest of flinches as he did so. The angel was in pain. Alastor was torn between wanting to help and wanting to leave him alone. He knew sometimes he was too pushy or too overwhelming with it. The deer walks to his room, sitting on his bed. This wasn’t his fault…or was it? No. Lucifer…

He tugs at his deer ears slightly, trying to understand why Lucifer had pushed him away so insistently. What the hell was going on? This had to be some kind of nightmare. His past traumas were coming back to him all too clearly. Lucifer. He needed him. 

He could remember his mother having constantly reassured him she was fine when she wasn’t. When he knew she was hurt, when he knew she was in pain and refusing to show him. Alastor curls up further on his bed, silent tears dripping. 

Everything felt wrong, fake, and incomprehensible. Was he ever going to be..enough? Normal? Probably not. He wanted his mother. He wanted someone to comfort him. He pulled on his deer ears roughly to try to get some sort of feelings taken out. He tugged harder, and could feel a slight sting, so stopped doing that for a moment. 

He didn’t even know why he was so emotional. He was supposed to be happy. This wasn’t the normal Alastor. Alastor was supposed to be happy, to have that facade, to have the permanent smile on his face. And well, the smile was still there, but had no true meaning behind it. He wished he could drop the smile. Alastor wasn’t okay, currently. He breathes in quickly, trying to compose himself. Lucifer couldn’t see him like this. 

Alastor was so caught up in his moment he didn’t hear the seraphim walk in to see where he had gone. 

‘Hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong? Alastor, I didn’t mean it was your fault, it’s not you. It’s not your fault,’ Lucifer said, quickly sitting on the bed next to Alastor, ‘I-I was in a bad state, I didn’t mean to snap at you like that. Al. Alastor?’ Alastor looks up, half zone out. ‘What?’ he mumbles, leaning onto Lucifer. Lucifer pets his ears gently, earning a soft deer purr from him. 

Lucifer smiles down at him. Alastor whacks him on the shoulder lightly, muttering, ‘You could’ve said you weren’t in the right headspace, I would’ve handled you snapping at me better.’ Lucifer nods in silent agreement. He winces, realizing his wings still needed attention. ‘Oh, and I suppose I didn’t need to make fun of your messy appearance.’ Alastor smooths down the archangel’s blonde hair. Lucifer rolls his eyes but allows the deer to do so. 

Lucifer wasn’t ever the best at comforting, but he was trying his best. Based on how well Alastor seemed now, it might’ve been working. Alastor teased him again with some witty remarks. 

‘I really hate you sometimes,’ Lucifer complains. Alastor laughs, retorting with a sassy, “Many people hate me already, you hating me isn’t really a pain.’ 

Alastor reaches back to hug Lucifer, and he could feel the flinch of pain. He pulled back and  his deer ears perked up in concern. He knew the king was hurting mentally, but physically? That added a whole new problem onto it. ‘Wings.’ 

‘What?” 

‘Let me see your wings.’ Alastor was firm. His tone held no reason or room for any sort of argument. He was going to see the wings. Alastor didn’t like seeing someone he cared about in pain. Lucifer shook his head. ‘No, I–what? My wings are fine. I’m fine.’

Alastor stood up, picking up the stubborn creature. Lucifer hit him on the back a few times, screeching about being put down, he’s fine, he didn’t need help, the whole array. Alastor firmly sets him in a bathtub, and that’s when Lucifer realizes where he was. ‘What the heck, Alastor?!’ 

‘You need care. Self care. And since you aren’t capable of doing it yourself, I’m taking matters into my own hooves–er, hands–and doing it for you.’ 

He slowly tickles down Lucifer’s back, making the fallen angel squeak. As expected, the six wings flare out. ‘Sweet Lord, Lucifer…’ Alastor stared at all six wings; feathers bent, broken feathers, the color dull. It was all just so rough. Alastor sighed and sat back for a second. He needed a way to go about this. 

‘Can you undress for me? Keep your shorts on. Please.’ Alastor turned around so he wasn't watching. It was his preference to not watch. Once Lucifer indicated with a little hum that he had adequately done as told, Alastor turned around and turned on the warm water. ‘What–?’

‘I’m bathing you, and cleaning your wings while we’re at it. Hold still.’ Alastor grabs a mild soap and makes sure it is okay to use on his wings. Lucifer tenses as Alastor starts to scrub along the feathers. Lucifer squeaks and his wings flap a bit, sending droplets of water flying all over. Alastor shakes his head a bit, ears flicking the water off. ‘What in the–don't do that!’ 

Lucifer giggles and recomposes himself. ‘Okay–okay. I’m sohorry.’ He felt Alastor dig into his wings, specifically the middle set. Claws worked their way down to the soft downy feathers to scrub the soap onto his wings. Lucifer practically shrieked, trying to pull away. ‘WahahaIT–! Alhahastor!’ Alastor stops and gives him a look between a mix of bewilderment and understanding. ‘Oh…you’re ticklish. Forgot about that.’ 

He chuckles. ‘Hold still…if you can.’ Alastor goes right back to white he was doing, making Lucifer’s wings flap. As expected, water flew everywhere again, making the deer shake off. ‘Do I need to hold your wings myself? I mean seriously, I know you’re ticklish, but this–’ Lucifer giggles and turns his head so he was making partial eye contact with Alastor. 

‘You aren’t much behehetter when I’m hehelping you wihihith your hooves! Squirmy little tihihickle faHAWN–Shihit!’ Lucifer tries to twist to the side as Alastor goes back to his wings, moving his claws in a ticklish manner that overwhelms Lucifer almost instantly. ‘Nononohoho wahahait I tahahake it bahahahck!’ Alastor slows down for a moment, moving his hands to pluck out loose feathers as gently as he could. 

‘For a King of Hell, you really are more adorable than you should be.’ Alastor muses as he continues to work on the archangel’s wings. Lucifer smiles, turning his face away so Alastor wouldn’t see the blush coming over his face. Lucifer tries to readjust, half slipping into the water and making Alastor bleat in surprise. Both of them burst into laughter. ‘Whahat in the hell?’ Alastor hoists his partner back up into his previous position, spreading his wings again. ‘Hold still, this might be a bit ticklish.’ 

Lucifer instantly tenses, snickering into his hands as Alastor goes back to washing the middle set of wings. Alastor rolled his eyes, fondly smiling at how ticklish the creature was. He finishes with that set. ‘Lucifer, do you realize I still have 4 other wings I have to do?’ 

‘Yes, I realize that, I'm not an idiot.’ Lucifer’s wings twitch involuntarily. He giggles and looks back at Alastor. ‘Hey uh, thanks for doing this for me. I neglect myself too often and all that, this really means a lot to me, I just want you to know that,’ Lucifer started to just spill his emotions. Alastor nodded, listening quietly, before asking, ‘Lower or upper set first?” 

Lucifer thought for a moment, before responding, ‘Go with lower if you want more water on you. Although I’m sure I’ll probably splash you either way.’ Alastor nodded in agreement. He would get soaked no matter what. ‘Oh, I’m doing your hooves too, dear. They need to be done.’ Alastor grabs the lower set of wings, getting the loose and broken feathers out first. Lucifer was relatively calm for this part, occasionally flinching and giggling if something hurt or felt a bit ticklish. ‘Okay, I’m going to wash these now, try not to splash me too much.’ 

He starts to scrub underneath all the feathers, and the King instantly breaks. He cackles, wings flapping, soaking Alastor in the process. ‘I’m sohohhohorry! I’m sohohohorry!” he squeaks out through laughter, trying to arch away from the ticklish feeling. Alastor holds fast, trying to wash his wings in an efficient manner–and effectively. It was a bit difficult considering how much he was squirming. ‘Plehehehease! Tohohohoo tihihickly! Keheheh–Ahahal!’ Lucifer flaps his wings again, a bit more desperate. Alastor finishes up before backing away to shake his head, his fluffy deer ears soaked in water. ‘I swear, you are impossible.’

‘You love me,’ Lucifer teases him. ‘Unfortunately,’ Alastor mumbles, no real harm from it, ‘You’re lucky I do. I could’ve left you like that, all messy and depressed.’ Lucifer laughs, flicking water at Alastor out of pure spite. ‘I’m always messy and depressed,’ he giggles. Alastor rolls his eyes, moving over to the counter on the sink so he could get more soap. ‘Okay, I’m going to do the last set. Do you need a break before I do your hooves or not?’ Lucifer shakes his head, determined that he could handle it without any breaks. Alastor blinks in mild surprise but nods nonetheless. ‘Okay then. Here, spread your wings–thank you. I’m not even going to bother to tell you to hold still.’

He barely touched a wing and Lucifer absolutely flinched away. Alastor smiles, ‘Oh, Luci, you have to be a good little tickle angel if you want this to be over!~’ 

The angel blushes at that. This wasn’t even supposed to be a tickling thing and yet here they were. ‘Kehehheh–! Nohohoho! Mahahahaybe I dohohont want it tohoho be ovheheher!” Lucifer squirmed, trying to arch away as Alastor slowly wriggled his claws under the feathers. Lucifer snorted and made a sound similar to a goat, making Alastor pause. ‘Oh, so I’m not the only one who makes animal noises, hm?’ Alastor goes right back to it, watching as Lucifer laughs and bleats. ‘Okay, wait wait wait, hohold stihill!’ Alastor started giggling just at the sight of the demon wriggling like this.

‘Here, I’m gonna get the base of your win–’

‘NOHO!’ 

‘Yes, I have to,’ Alastor laughs in amusement, starting to massage and clean that area. Lucifer’s laughter went silent for a couple seconds. As soon as he got his breath back, he cackled out, ‘Stahahhahap! Stahahp! Too–Toohohoo muhuhuch! Plehehehease–!” Alastor finishes up as quickly as he could. Sitting back and admiring how shiny the feathers were now. ‘Look at you, all prettied up.’ 

‘Shuhut up, you…you stuhupid deer..’ Lucifer folds his wings, admiring them himself before adjusting himself so Alastor could do his hooves. ‘Just…just get on with it. I don’t know how ticklish they are, I’ve never really, like, gotten tickled on them or whatever so–’ Alastor nods, giving him a little kiss on the forehead to shut him up. 

‘Hooves.’

Alastor grabs a stool and sits down by Lucifer’s hooves. He grabs one and starts to file it down, and Lucifer’s other hoof kicks, the deer barely dodging it. ‘God–so you are ticklish here. Not too surprising, considering mine are relatively bad as well.’ He continues to file and scrub the hoof, making Lucifer absolutely lose it. His implike tail wags a bit as he tries to pull his leg back. ‘Seheheriously! I’m—ehheheh–too tihihihicklish for thihis!’ Lucifer kicks again with a bleat. Alastor decided to try something. ‘So there’s this spot–you know about it on mine, we both have similar hooves, so it might be on yours too–between the actual hoof and your dewclaws. So right here–’ he starts to scratch gently at said spot, and Lucifer bucks and arches, a couple of his wings unfurling and flapping. Alastor chuckles in amusement, continuing to gently tease at the spot. 

After a minute, he decides to let up on the tickling, letting his partner catch his breath. ‘I hahate you so muhuch,’ Lucifer growls, with no real malice behind it. “I love you too, Luci. Other hoof, please,’ he hums, smiling as Lucifer complies. He starts to file down the hoof gently, watching as the angel dissolves into helpless giggles and snorts. He slowly runs a claw down the split in the hoof, enjoyment spreading in his expression as Lucifer makes some inhuman noise and bleats like a goat. ‘God, you’re so adorable, you know that?’ 

‘Dohohont flatter mehehe!’ he tries to tease, more giggling and happy than anything. Alastor had a feeling this was the first time in a while Lucifer had really gotten to be happy. To feel good, to feel loved, to feel wanted. Alastor wanted that too, but now wasn’t the time to dwell on his own feelings. He continues to tickle and care for Lucifer’s hoof. He finishes up, standing up. He grabbed a towel and instructed Lucifer to get out of the bath. He wrapped the seraphim in it with a small laugh at the little glare he got.

‘You know you needed all that. And I’m not just talking about the care part.’

‘I…yes, I did. I’m sorry for struggling that hard, I am.’

Lucifer let the deer scoop him up and carry him to his room. Alastor helped Lucifer get his duck pajamas on. Sure, it was a bit childish, but they both needed some levity to their afterlife. ‘No need to apologize, Luci. I struggle too, you know.’

Lucifer looks at him, a bit shocked. ‘What?” 

‘Yes, I struggle too. There’s days I won’t shower for weeks, or shut myself out, or just…fade away emotionally. The smile facade is there and I use it as I need. It works pretty well.’ Alastor gets himself in a comfortable nightshirt and pants, letting his hooves be out of his boots for the night. He smooths his damp hair down, his ears bouncing back and perking up as he takes his hands away from his head. Lucifer smiles fondly at his platonic lover and his adorable ears. Lucifer grabs the deer and tugs him into the bed, snuggling him. 

‘Al?’

‘Yes, sweetheart?” 

‘I love you.’ Lucifer buried his face into Alastor’s chest with a little purr. This was his happy place, cuddling with his favorite deer in all of hell.

‘...I love you too, Luci.’ Alastor tucked his head into the crook of Lucifer’s neck. They both had flaws, and it was okay. They were both okay where they were at: with each other. 

[igot-the-juice]

The Scarred - Chapter 11 🩸🔥🔞

Masterlist

Summary - Penelope Miller works at a florist shop in Gotham, barely getting by in the corrupted city. Her life is shrouded by trauma and judgement with little light to find her way with. However, when a certain painted face starts making himself known to her, things take a turn.

Warning - This chapter contains smut but can be read without it. Smut will start after the second banner. MDNI/NSFW!

The smell of iron filled her lungs, the blood stuck to her face invading her senses as the man now lay still on the floor below her. With a crazed look in her eye, she kicked away the arm that was now detached, heavy as it slid across the stained floor. 

She began to breathe heavily, unable to decipher whether or not she had really done it. But the smell alone brought her to the reality of the situation. 

As the men began to pick up what was left of the body, she began to smile, then it turned into a chaotic giggle. She turned to face the Joker and it immediately dropped.

He stared at her with such an intensity that turned her to stone, eyes somehow darker than they ever were. Her lips parted in a silent question, worried about whether or not she overstepped. 

She heard the doors shut behind her and suddenly, in a few large strides, he approached her and aggressively pulled her into him. His lips crashed down onto her own blood stained ones, not possibly caring less in that moment as he practically suffocated her. 

At first she was stiff, baffled by his sudden behavior that seemed completely out of character for him. 

Then she finally let go and accepted it. 

Her arm reached up around his neck, reciprocating the affection with equal intensity. Nothing was held back by either of them, his hands wandering over her figure as she kept her own planted, choosing to focus on the sensation of his scarred lips. 

She sighed once he pulled away, eye slowly opening to gaze into the hazel gems before her. 

“J?” Penelope whispered, the nickname slipping out without a second thought. His expression faltered when it reached his ears, but their usual spark soon followed after. 

He didn’t correct her. He didn’t snap. Instead, a low chuckle rumbled from his throat, rolling into a sharp, sinister laugh that echoed off of the concrete walls. His gloved fingers came up to her face, tracing the scarred side with surprising gentleness, his grin stretching impossibly wide.

“Well, well, well,” He rasped, voice dripping with twisted delight. “Look who’s getting familiar now, hm?”

Penelope tensed but didn’t pull away. There was something unsettling in his gaze, a wildness dancing just beneath the surface. Yet there was a strange acceptance, too. As if she’d unlocked a piece of him. Something private. Dangerous.

“Ya know, doll,” He cooed, the nickname rolling off his tongue mockingly, yet with a hint of genuine fondness. “Most people aren’t brave enough to give me nicknames.” He licked at his lips. “Ya might want to be careful, though,” He leaned in close, his lips brushing her ear. “Calling me that? That’s… close. And close gets people hurt.”

His fingers dropped from her face, drifting lazily down to her shoulder, lingering on the edge of her missing arm. 

He pulled back just enough to meet her gaze again, those crazed eyes searching hers, trying to see if she’d flinch. But Penelope held her ground, her heart racing, something in her stirring. A newfound sense of chaos, creeping up, waking.

“I’ll take my chances,” She whispered, her voice steady despite the flutter of fear and excitement in her chest.

The Joker’s smile returned, wider than ever. He threw his head back and laughed, a sound that sent chills down her spine.

-

When she entered her apartment, she ignored the presence she knew would already be there, prioritizing a shower to get the now dried and crusted blood off of her. His questions of concern were muffled as she mindlessly wandered to her bedroom to pick out her pajamas. 

“Penelope!” Liam finally yelled, gripping firmly onto her shoulders and turning her to face him. For once, he was truly speechless. Unable to hide his worry for what inevitably came to be his best friend, brow furrowed.

“I’m fine, Liam.” She offered a genuine smile, resting her hand over one of his own. She brushed past him towards the bathroom to turn on the shower and closed the door. 

Questions flooded in his mind as he impatiently waited on the couch, the TV now completely blocked out. His leg bounced anxiously, biting at his nails. He practically jumped out of his skin when the door opened and she walked in, acting as if nothing even happened. 

She searched through her cupboards for something, plastic crinkling in her hands as she opened a pack of popcorn and popped it into the microwave. 

“Penny?” Liam cautiously called to her. She simply hummed in response. He stood and gradually made his way over to her. “Did he hurt ye?” 

“Quite the opposite.” Penelope answered casually, unloading the dishwasher as she spoke. 

“Penny. Ye know ye can trust me.”

“I killed a man, Liam!” She finally blurted out as she whipped to face him. “He found the man that caused this,” She motioned to her deformed body. “And I killed him.” 

The two of them stood silently, searching the other for any sign of distrust or betrayal. While she overthought his reaction, Liam had assumed it was only a matter of time before it happened. As soon as the Joker made himself known to her, he knew it was over.

“The scary part isn’t even that I did it. It’s that I enjoyed it. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to. Not after what he did to me, Liam.” Her voice began to break, lip beginning to tremble. “Not after…” She sniffed and wrapped her arm around his torso, relieved that his warm comfort was provided without a moment’s hesitation. 

He gently hushed her, cradling her head while his other hand’s thumb caressed her back. “It’s alright, lovin’.” He whispered. 

Liam pulled away, hands gently taking hold of her face to look at him. 

“There is nothin’ wrong with ye. Nothin’ wrong with what happened, ye understand? He got what he deserved, yeah?” 

Penelope nodded as he wiped away her tears, grabbing the popcorn from the microwave before leading them to the couch. She wrapped herself in a blanket, opening the bag and nibbling on a small handful. 

“Did he scream?” He asked in a joking tone once she calmed down more. To his relief, she giggled. 

“Like a pussy.” 

-

The flower shop was quiet, the soft scent of roses and lilies filling the air as Emma arranged a bouquet of daisies behind the counter. The bell over the door jingled softly as Penelope stepped inside, her movements slow and careful. Emma’s eyes lifted to greet her, but the smile faded slightly when she saw Penelope’s face—pale, drawn, and distant.

“Hey, hun,” Emma called gently, setting the flowers aside. “Everything okay?”

Penelope gave a half-smile, but it didn’t reach her eye. “Yeah, just couldn’t sleep.”

Emma frowned, watching her carefully. She knew Penelope had been through a lot, but lately, something had shifted. The girl had always been quiet, but now there was a tension beneath the surface, as if she were on edge, waiting for something. Emma noticed the slight twitch in Penelope’s remaining hand, her fingers trembling for a moment before she shoved them into her pocket.

“I’m gonna go handle the new shipment.” Penelope asked, her voice strained.

Emma nodded slowly but kept her eyes on her as she made her way to the door leading into the back room. “Of course, sweetheart. You sure you’re feeling alright, though? You’ve been… distant lately.”

Penelope stiffened, her back to Emma as she began unpacking a box of tulips. “I’m fine.” She said quickly. Too quickly.

Emma bit her lip, the maternal instinct in her stirring. She walked over, placing a hand on Penelope’s shoulder. “Look, I know things have been hard for you, but if something’s wrong… you can talk to me. You know that, right?”

Penelope flinched at the touch, though she tried to hide it with a small shrug. “I know. But really, it’s nothing. I’m just tired.”

Emma’s brows furrowed. She didn’t believe that for a second. There was a darkness in Penelope’s expression, something haunted and restless. Emma had seen it before in people who were hiding something, something dangerous. She couldn’t help but feel a knot of worry tighten in her chest.

“I just want to make sure you’re safe, Penelope,” Emma said softly. “You’ve been acting off. And it scares me.”

Penelope hesitated, her fingers gripping the edge of the box. “I’m fine, Emma.”

But Emma wasn’t convinced. Her heart ached as she watched her, knowing that whatever it was, Penelope was shutting her out. 

“I’m here if you need me,” Emma said quietly, retreating back to the counter. “Just… don’t push yourself too hard, okay?”

Penelope nodded, but Emma could see the flicker of guilt in her eye before she turned away.

A little while passed and eventually it was close to closing. Penelope sat behind the counter scribbling away in her journal, however more aggressive than usual. The door chimed as it opened, a sigh of relief falling from her lips when she saw it was only Liam. And it didn’t go unnoticed by Emma. 

“Ey there, Penny.” He greeted, giving a simple nod to Emma as he charismatically leaned on the counter in front of the former. “Day treatin’ ye right?” Penelope shrugged. Emma decided to disappear into the back, but took care to listen in on their conversation.

“As much as it can, I suppose.” 

“Ye still up fer the range?” He asked, concerned about whether she was too tired or overwhelmed. 

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. Don’t think I’ll be up for being there as long, though.” 

“No worries about that, I figured as much.” He glanced over at the clock and Penelope did the same, packing up her things to leave. She walked over to the back room and leaned in the doorway. 

“I’m heading out, Emma. Text me if you need anything, okay?” The brunette gave an appreciative smile. 

“I will. You take care now, okay? Be safe.” 

“You too.” Penelope offered a smile of her own before meeting Liam at the door to leave. 

The range was rather large, hidden away in the outskirts which she appreciated. With how big it was, she was surprised that they were the only ones there besides the owner at the front. 

They stood in a separate room where the actual range was, handguns aimed down range and firing. After finishing an iteration they took their ear covers off, the pressure of them irritating her head. 

“She doesn’t know about what ye’ve been up to, does she?” Liam suddenly asked, catching her off guard. Penelope hesitated before answering. 

“No.” Liam leaned against the nearby wall, eyeing her. 

“I’d be careful about her if I were ye.” 

“Why’s that? She doesn’t know, and it’s going to stay that way so long as I can help it.” Penelope readied her gun for the next iteration, then set it back down carefully.

“Ye see, that’s the thing. Ye don’t trust her enough to tell her. And that says a lot. Ye told me and yet ye’ve barely known me for half as long.” 

Liam pushed himself off of the wall and began making his way towards her. 

“Ye don’t trust her as much as he think ye do, Penny. She may be a friend, but she’s not loyal. The second she gets even a hint of what yer up to, she’s gonna get curious and try to find out more, and when she does, she’s goin’ straight to the cops.” 

“She wouldn’t do that to me -“

“But she would.” Liam spoke sternly, urging her to believe him. “I’ve dealt with plenty of her kind and it never ended well. Even just today, I saw the way she was eyein’ us. She’s already suspicious.” 

Liam raised his hands to rest on her shoulders.

“Ye need to be careful around her. I know it’s hard, she’s yer friend, I get it. I do. But I’m speakin’ from experience. As much as it hurts to hear, ye can’t trust her.” 

Penelope cast her gaze downwards, struggling to take in all that she was being told. 

“Come on. Let’s keep goin’.” He nodded towards the targets in front of them, taking notice of the turmoil going on in her head. 

As always, he walked her to her apartment when finished. Both because he was right down the hall and it was just the right thing to do. But just before she opened her door, he stopped her. 

“Just think about what I said, yeah? I’m tryin’ to keep ye safe.” Penelope paused, thinking. Then she finally nodded and Liam smiled at her, patting her shoulder before walking to his apartment. 

Penelope turned back to her door and opened it, a familiar smell reaching her nose making her sigh as the door softly clicked shut behind her. She looked over at her couch where the notorious clown-like man sat comfortably. He lounged back like he belonged there, flipping through channels with an air of indifference, his lips twisted into that familiar, unsettling grin.

Her heart raced. She didn’t know what to feel. Fear, confusion, curiosity? The same mixture of emotions had been bubbling inside her since that night. The night she’d felt his lips on hers, tasted the madness, and the thrill of what she’d done. The blood on her hands still felt so fresh.

“You’re here.” Penelope finally said, breaking the silence, her voice hoarse but steady.

Joker didn’t look away from the screen, but his grin widened. “Where else would I be?”

She swallowed hard, moving slowly towards the couch, her eyes never leaving him. “I don’t know… plotting, terrorizing people. Laughing at something burning, maybe?”

He chuckled, the sound low and dark, and patted the seat next to him. “Sheesh, can’t a guy just catch a break sometimes? Hm?” He jested, eyes still fixated on the TV. “Sit down, toots, we’re watching a comedy.”

She hesitated, glancing at the TV. Some mindless sitcom played, laugh tracks echoing. She took a seat, keeping her distance but not too far. The cushion sagged slightly under her, and she found herself staring at him, trying to read something - anything - in his chaotic, unpredictable eyes.

“What’s so funny about this?” She asked, her voice soft, unsure whether she meant the show or their entire situation.

Joker’s eyes slid over to her, sharp and amused. “Oh, nothing about the show. It’s the idea of it. People trapped in their boring little lives, pretending everything’s fine.” He leaned closer, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. “It’s hilarious, don’t ya think?”

Penelope’s gaze shifted from the TV to him, searching his face. She couldn’t understand how he saw the world. He terrified her, fascinated her, made her want to crawl away and stay close all at once. Her fingers traced the edge of the cushion nervously. “How do you live like this?”

“Like what?” He asked flatly, his eyes glinting as if her question was a challenge.

“Like…” She struggled for the right words. “Without… rules. Without a plan. Just… chaos.”

He laughed, leaning back, stretching his arms over the back of the couch, his fingers brushing her shoulder. “Well, I wouldn’t say I live in chaos.” His voice was soft now, almost soothing, but there was still a biting tone to it. “Yeah, I cause chaos. But live in freedom. Freedom from their rules. Their endless nagging, the ‘don’t do this, do this’, ya see? You’ve tasted it, haven’t you? The freedom. The power.”

Penelope tensed, the memory of that night creeping back in. The rush of adrenaline, the way her hands had trembled… then steadied. “That’s freedom…?” She whispered. 

Joker’s grin faltered for just a second, and he tilted his head, watching her closely. “You did what you wanted to do. Without worrying about consequences. Their consequences. The consequences of everyone trying to control you and be someone that you’re not.”

She bit her lip, looking down at her lap. “How can I be sure there won’t be consequences?”

“You’re lookin’ at it, toots.” Joker said, his tone playful but condescending. “You can choose to pretend everything’s fine, just like everyone else. Go back to being quiet, timid little Penelope. Or…” He leaned in close. “You can be free.”

Her pulse quickened, and she turned to face him, searching his eyes.“Why do you want me to change?” She asked finally, her voice quiet.

Joker’s gaze softened, just for a moment, as if he was considering her question seriously. “I don’t want you to change. I want you to stop pretending. I see potential. Potential that is greater than you’d ever know. And I finally got a taste of it. And so did you. The real question is…” He shifted his body to face her. “Can you live with it? Because once you go down this road, doll, there’s no turning back. Your cute little world will not be there for you anymore. It’ll show its true colors. You’ll see. And once you do?” He threw her a look with an accompanied gesture. “I can guarantee you won’t want to go back.” 

Penelope wasn’t sure what to do, what to think. She couldn’t help but believe him. Everything he said had some resemblance of truth. Was the freedom truly worth it? Was it worth throwing everything away? Emma? Liam? If the way she felt that night at the warehouse was only a taste of it, she could only imagine how she would feel if she just completely let go. 

She was sure Liam would understand, he was supportive of her every step of the way. No matter if it was morally questionable. 

But Emma? 

Penelope thought about what Liam had told her. Emma was a close friend. A mother figure, even. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe Liam was right about her. She kept telling herself that she never told Emma any of what was happening for her protection, but could she have just been lying to herself to prevent her own guilt? Did she truly trust Emma, or did she just cling to the brunette for lack of options? 

A tear trickled its way down her cheek, not even noticing beforehand as she was lost in thought. She looked Joker in the eye and spoke with a trembling voice. 

“I don’t want to live like this anymore…” Penelope shook her head. “I’m tired of feeling stuck.” She noticed a subtle shift in his expression, hardened. He suddenly rose to his feet with newfound determination. 

“Get up.” He demanded, catching her by surprise. After a moment, she stood and he grabbed her wrist, pulling her into the bathroom and facing her towards the mirror. “Ya want to stop living by their rules, hm?” Penelope nodded in desperation. “Take off the bandages.” 

Her eye widened in disbelief, breathing halted. He stepped closer to her, his warmth pressed against her. 

“Break their norm. Show them you’re not theirs to control anymore. Stop trying to be like them.” He leaned in next to her ear. “Send a message.”

Penelope took a shaky breath, meeting Joker’s eye through the mirror. Her heart raced, blood rushing in her ears as her hand fought to leave her side. Slowly but surely, it raised. Her hands caressed the edge of her bandages, toying with the fabric until she finally began to pull them off with care. 

She refused to look at herself, tears now streaming down her cheek as a sob left her lips. She felt cool leather grip her jaw, forcing her to look at her reflection in the mirror. 

The sight seemed foreign to her no matter how many times she took them off. The texture was soft, yet uneven. It was finally healed with skin covering where her eye should have been.

“Now that… is a doll.” 

His knuckles caressed down her neck, leaving a trail of fire in their wake. The tickling sensation caught her breath, head leaning back against him. This enigmatic man made her feel alive, made her want to embrace the freedom he spoke of as his hands slid down her slim figure, igniting something within her. 

"There ya go." Joker whispered, his breath hot against her ear. 

Penelope's gaze fell on her exposed scars, and for the first time, she felt truly wanted. She felt beautiful. 

"Now how about that freedom?" He growled, hands slipping under her shirt and caressing her soft skin. As his skilled fingers found her hardened nipples, Penelope's breath hitched. His marred lips mixed with her own textured neck, covering it with nips and licks as he practically worshiped her scars. She wanted this man, wanted to feel his touch. She yearned to explore this new, uninhibited side of herself that he was awakening.

Joker’s hands then lifted her shirt, pulling it off over her head and soaking in the sight of her with a heated gaze. 

More scars littered her left side, similar to what was on her face. He felt her begin the retreat, but his hands quickly snatched her wrists to keep her where she was. “None of that. Got it?” He threatened and she nodded in response. 

He then unclasped her bra and tossed it away, hands moving to cup and toy at her breasts. One hand began to travel lower, unbuttoning her pants and sliding them down her slender legs. Once she stepped out of them he turned her around to face him and pushed her until she was leaning against the bathroom counter. Her legs opened, inviting him to stand in between them. One of his thighs pressed against her radiating core, flexing his muscle until her head leaned back with a sigh. 

He released a feral growl and reached around to the back of her head, pulling her into him so their lips clashed against each other. The kiss was rough and full of need, Penelope lightly moaning into it as she ground herself against his thigh for some much needed relief. 

“Yeah? Ya like that?” Joker taunted before snatching her thighs and setting her on top of the empty space of the counter. “C’mere.” He dropped to his knees, his hands pulling down her panties and spreading her pussy lips, revealing her glistening, swollen clit. He inhaled her scent, a mix of desire and her unique musk, before plunging his tongue deep inside her, making her gasp and grip the edge of the counter.

Joker’s tongue was a skilled weapon, licking and sucking at her clit, sending waves of pleasure through Penelope's body. He teased her entrance, dipping his tongue just inside before pulling away, only to return with renewed fervor.

"J -" Penelope moaned, her head thrown back. "Please, don’t stop."

Joker hummed, the vibrations sending shivers through Penelope. “Dangerous thing to beg me like that, doll.” 

He warned before he continued his oral assault, bringing her closer and closer to the edge of orgasm. Just as she was about to climax, he pulled away, leaving her breathless and desperate.

"Thought it’d be that easy, hm?" He said, standing. 

Penelope, wild with desire, reached for Joker’s trousers, undoing them with tremulous fingers. Once unbuttoned, her hand tremulously reached inside to grasp his hardened cock, pulling it free from its confines.

Joker’s cock was thick, the head glistening with pre-cum as she stroked it, her touch tentative yet eager. "Like whatcha see?" He asked, his voice hoarse with desire.

Penelope nodded, her eye never leaving his cock as she continued to stroke it, marveling at the power she held in her hands. "Please, J…" She whispered, her voice thick with need.

He didn't need to be asked twice. 

He gripped onto her hip tightly, spreading her legs wide as he positioned himself at her entrance. 

“Now what’d I say about begging?” With one smooth thrust, he filled her, his cock stretching her pussy as he slid deep inside.

Penelope cried out, her body welcoming the invasion, her pussy clenching around his cock as he began to move, his hips thrusting in a steady rhythm. He leaned forward, his lips finding hers in a hungry kiss. 

Joker’s hands gripped her thighs, spreading her wider as he pounded into her, his cock hitting her sweet spot with each thrust. Penelope's body trembled, her orgasm building with each delicious stroke.

"That’s it," He growled against her lips. "There ya go, toots. Come on, show me how much you want it.” 

His words were like a trigger, and Penelope's body exploded in a cascade of pleasure. She cried out, her pussy clenching around Joker’s cock as waves of ecstasy washed over her. He followed her over the edge, his cock throbbing as he emptied his load deep inside her, filling her with his hot cum.

As their heart rates slowed and their breathing returned to normal, Joker leaned back, watching as one of his hands ran over her scarred body. When their eyes met, Penelope smiled. Eye sparkling with newfound confidence. 

[astarionfixation]

Chapter 12: *That'll teach me not to get all talkative…*

Part of "Am I Fu**ing Insane !?!" A multi chapter adventure in Astarion’s mind

Rating: Mature

CW: mentions of Abuse and Past Trauma, possibly body dysmorphia if you squint.

Word count count: 4k

Pairings: Astarion X OFC Tav

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/54356776/chapters/142086958

I have a quite serious praise kink. Which also means compliments in the forms of tags and/or comments might very well spur me to write and post more

** Thoughts "" Dialogue - - Remarks ++ Quotes / Memories

SUMMARY: Just after they finally explore physically intimacy together, Astarion wakes up, she's drawing a bath, and they have a casual chat that turns to be quite vulnerable for both of them.

The water dripping insistently on his face seems unreasonable to be the source of the burbling sound. Astarion looks around and the curtains of water suggest the only reasonable place this could be is the cave behind a waterfall. He walks through the puddle and it feels warm… then again everything seems warmer than his skin since he lost his pulse. He's about to draw his arms through the falling water when he feels the grip at the base of his skull. He knows that feeling: it's not careless, it's actually measured to hurt as he can feel the nails not only scratching but digging into his scalp, his very thoughts dissolving as the pain is all that pervades him. The hand pushes him down, as he is forced to fall to his knees before his head is pushed underwater and even without the need to breathe the pain and panic completely overtake him. After an amount of time he would not be able to quantify through the terror, he feels the nails almost penetrating his scalp as he's pulled up by his grip, and he can hear his voice, as low as it is dangerous

“Lie to yourself boy, but not to me! You are mine. Forever!”

His eyelids are shut tight and then in a flash he takes a sharp inhale and manages to blink himself… aware… awake.

- -

The sound of running water is still present and now he can tell it's coming from behind  and it disorients him. His body fumbles between the bedsheets and turns enough to see… Her.

Still gloriously naked, the curtain just slightly open lets him evaluate the time to be around late afternoon. The sight of her tiptoeing around the large copper bathtub, filled with steaming water, brings him back fully to the present. His fingers go to his bottom lip to verify that indeed that wasn't part of the dream and the sting he feels on it is the consequence of her bite.

*If she wanted to make me lose control, she’s found an infallible way to do it*

He leans on his elbows to just keep watching her intently, focusing on the way her fingertips dip in the water and come out of it letting the water drip back down.

And the faint sound of water drops is enough to bring back the pain in his scalp, the authentic feeling of Cazador's nails digging in his own brain and his head now jerks and shakes to try and push the thought away but the sudden movement catches her attention.

“oh hello… I'm not used to seeing you sleep, I tried to keep quiet because I wanted to make sure you could rest, I hope I wasn't too noisy.”

She smiles sweetly at him before turning around and stepping closer to her portmanteau bag, always filled to the brim with herbs and oils, until she finds something to carry back from it towards the bathtub. As a few golden drops being to drip from the little amber bottle she seem to absentmindedly talk, almost just to herself

“I'm pretty certain you have a soft spot for rosemary, don't you? Until I figure out the other components of your scent I'll add lavender to it, they complement each other… they are technically from the same family… Lamiaceae…”

She raises her dark eyes to look directly at him with a softness and care that's close to what she got him used to, but for the first time she doesn't seem to keep that small part of herself away, the one always hidden by the mask, calm enough to feel detached, as if the world could fall *or I could quite literally sprout tentacles* and she would not be affected. 

And he almost wants to return that smile… though the pain from Cazador's grasp in his dream is still lingering on his scalp. He's stirring up now, his knees bent under the bedsheets enough for his arms to fold over them with his cheek resting on his own bicep as his scarlet eyes follow her movements as she continues to share details about plants and herbs he cannot quite focus on.

She doesn't need to know.

She doesn't need to hear any more of his pathetic neediness or any more pitiful confessions.

And he wouldn't know how to explain it anyway…

*How does it even make sense, that my mind drags me back to that…  the moment that for some reason my skin is not touching hers? What a wretched excuse for a creature I am…*

His expression must have betrayed something though, because she's now stopped in her tracks and swiftly moving towards him, her knees touching the edge of the bed and she crawls towards him with such urgency that he doesn't have time to think how incredibly tempting she looks because she's already reached him and of all the attacks his mind has concocted, glad to give up and let her do anything she deems fit to him, he just finds himself circled by her arms as she kneels and straddles one of his legs. Her delicate fingers threading and yet pulling his head to her and he finds himself inhaling the air that has been sweetened by the valley between her breasts. His arms circle her body almost instinctively pulling her closer to breathe her in.

“Would you like to take a soak with me?”

She could have asked without moving a single finger yet the feeling of her skin pressing on his is what takes the physical memory from his nightmare away, the pull on his scalp replaced by her sweet caresses as her fingers curl around his hair. Maybe she doesn't mean it, she doesn't understand how the comfort of her presence drags him further away every passing day from the past he'd much rather forget so maybe, hopefully, despite his inappropriate confessions that surely can be discounted to the heat of the moment, hopefully she does not understand how crucial she has become to him. His lips are already moving to beg her and just say *yes, please* but what he grasps onto as a shred of dignity ends up sounding like

“Of course, my darling”

And that might be as good an answer as any because the reaction of her body is just to hold him tighter to her as a soft, low hum of approval resonates in her chest and in his own head pressed against her. He can feel her lips pressing against the top of his head before she seems about to disentangle herself from him, which becomes immediately an unacceptable option, thankfully easily avoided as he swiftly brings his arms just under her armpits to then grab her by the waist and in a moment he's on his knees on the bed while he's holding her in his arms. One arm under her knees and the other circling her torso holding her close as he's effortlessly on his feet and everything has been so quick she's only just now letting out a surprised squeal while he's already halfway towards the tub.

“Please be careful Astarion! Please no! I'll fall! I'm too heavy for this!!!”

The simple idea her soft, delicate body could be anything but delightful to hold like this makes his soft laugh resonate in the room.

“Don't be silly my dear, I could carry you like this all day. In fact this might just be the way we travel from now on, you know? It would certainly make it easier for me and you wouldn't have a chance to trail behind every time a shrub catches your eye”

But he can feel her hands grabbing at his shoulders and make him fleetingly realise  *I need to put those nails of hers to use soon*. Her arms circle his neck and  it might really seem like… *Is she really scared? Is she worried I'll let her fall?*

“I'm just… like big cats, you know… no one's ever carried me, I don't think this can work on me!”

Her tone is urgent and she might actually not realise how soft and light her body is for him. He gently lets the arm under her knees give way once he's brought her over the tub and as the warm water touches her toes she quickly tries to disentangle herself to stand in the bath. The way the tub is raised from the floor leaves her standing taller, almost looking directly into his own eyes while her arms are still lingering around his neck. Her dark eyes are framed in a frown and her plump red lips arched in a pout that might genuinely mean that simple, almost mindless gesture of his might have actually worried her?

“Sweet thing…” his voice mellifluous as his finger goes to curl around one of her long dark locks before tucking it behind her ear

 “I think I'll have to spend some time getting in that pretty head of yours how adorably delectable your splendid body is. If you can feel in any way less than majestic and glorious then I've done a poor job in the last few hours at delivering that, and believe you me… I have nothing but time to convince you and make you feel as good about yourself as my eyes see your beauty”

Without waiting for a reaction his lips press softly against hers, the hand that caressed her hair now holds her head just behind her ear. It's just a soft peck but it speaks of devotion as much as ownership. 

“Besides…”

As his voice continues, measuredly low and sweet, he steps into the tub with a graceful movement of his long pale legs. He lowers himself in the water just behind the spot where she's still standing, her head slightly turned to follow his movements, and once his own hands rest on her hips and softly press down on her she follows his motions so that she is now cradled between his legs, circled by his arms around her waist pulling her body closer to his, her back to his chest and her backside softly pressing against his most sensitive parts.

“I am kind of hurt you don't remember our first night together… I carried you to your room just like that… effortlessly I might add, considering how your pretty little feet were stumbling upon everything they encountered”

He can feel the warmth of the water surrounding them which for once feels less scorching than usual, his own skin still a raised temperature from her blood coursing through his veins. A hand goes to gather her long dark hair to one of her shoulders and then to her side so that the naked skin of her back can press directly onto his chest as the arm around her waist pulls her closer still as he gets rewarded with a soft moan her lips let out at the closeness.

“I… I might not have been able to ask for your help had I not had more mead than blood in my veins that night… I didn't know how to get… closer to you… but I couldn't get you out of my mind anyway… so liquid courage had to do I guess… actually… I always wondered… Why did you stay?”

*That'll teach me not to get all talkative…*

His mind is rushing between options and the need to take time and weight his answer makes one of his hands relent his grip on her waist to bring his fingers to run gently on the inside of her arm, caressing the sensitive skin from her inner wrist, rhythmically pumping against his fingertips, following the blood flow to the inside of her elbow and back again.

“Well, how could I leave you in distress when you just seemed to need me… and only Me I might add… I'm sure a few of our conditional companions would have stumbled upon their feet too in an effort to get your attention for themselves… the wizard pushed his luck more than necessary for my comfort… I don't mean to gloat but I was only too pleased when you made our arrangement clear to everyone”

The arm circling her waist moves so that the palm of his hand can press flat against her stomach, pushing her body against his in a clear sign of possession followed by his lips pressed on the back of her head. His fingers, softly caressing her arm, ride up to her collarbone and then his arm disappears under hers, under the water, so that his fingers can begin to draw lazy circles around the sensitive area just under her breast.

“What do you think that says about your delectable body and the desires it inspires in others? Not that that should be the reason but suffice to say… if you think your body is anything less than perfect in the eyes of others… you're even more sweetly naive than I gave you credit for, my darling”

His words hang in the silence of the room filled only by her low breathing and soft heartbeat. He can feel her adjust herself between his legs, surely innocently and without any idea of what her simple stirring is doing to his own body until her head lays down upon his shoulder, her cheek softly pressed against his upper arm as her soft skin caresses his in a small, repeated movement to enhance their contact. After a slightly deeper inhale her soft voice reaches his ears again, pensive and matter of factly 

“You're so kind to me Astarion and truly I don't need anything else… I just… know my limits… and I've accepted them a long time ago… besides… I can make myself be appreciated, given enough time… I can cure a hangover quicker than most herbalists so I have acquired hidden qualities for people to like me… if they stick around…”

He can feel her shoulders shrug as the arm he caressed moves to find his hand once again so that her fingers are now interlaced with his own. His free hand halts his teasing to grip just under her breast, a little bit too tight as the thought of her past comes back to him.

“Is that what your mother told you? That you needed to serve others and be useful in order to have simple appreciation in return?”

Her body suddenly tenses and he instinctively holds her closer, the sound of moving, trickling water overtaking the soft breath from her chest as his nose nuzzles against her hair, close to her ear in a gesture he would usually consider sickeningly sweet for any other reason than to bring her comfort now and despite the mention of her abuser, a reminder of his presence and implicit promise to care and protect. Her voice comes out just as calm as usual, but the time alone it took her to form a response makes him aware of how difficult this must be for her

“I appreciate that if your master did the same  the idea could not attach itself to you… but alas I do still reflect in mirrors so I had reminders as to why I needed to count on something other than my looks to… earn my keep…”

It might have sounded like shyness before but at this point he's baffled

*She actually believes that…*

Then of course she had to pick at his vanity, as if his own ways to distract himself from torment in a semblance of narcissistic hedonism had not taught him well enough to focus on his looks, or rather the way people seemed enticed when they looked upon him, to delude himself enough and believe that all that flattery was indeed valuable for him too.

He's almost tempted to give in to that and let her continue, let her sing the praises of all the ways she adores the smallest detail of his body if it means she will never have the time to even begin to imagine anything remotely close to leaving him. Yet that hint of sadness can't seem to be shaken off and it eventually tumbles out of his own treacherous lips

“You don't know what you're saying, sweet thing…  let's just say his reminders of my constant inadequacy made having to share my body with strangers almost consoling… for the moment I could delude myself they actually liked me at least…”

He can feel her, her body moving against the still water and between his own legs to turn her head enough so that he can see her dark eyes caressing his own body, tip of his toe to his knee and as far back as her position will allow her…

“I’m sorry… I just meant… Have you ever been described as anything less than beautiful, Astarion?”

He can feel her cheek pressing upon the skin of his arm and the sudden warmth increasing… he can't see her face from this angle but… 

*Is she blushing?*

 Before he has a moment to consider the reason why, he can hear her voice so low, a  whisper, almost talking to herself, mumbling, yet the words still reach his pointy ears

“It's easy to see why your body alone ruined so many lives…”

In that instant, inexplicably, that small sentence, barely above a whisper she might have actually not intended for his ears, that is what brings back the dreaded clasp around his throat in a rush. 

Only for an instant. 

The instinct to fight it comes easy, out of habit really, and slipping in his charlatan mask is not only safe but also extremely convenient at this point

“Why, thank you sweetheart… though You'd be surprised… I wasn't always everyone's cup of tea… and at the end of the night I still had to bring prey back to Cazador's… beauty was nothing until I learnt to charm people…”

And that is the truth, a bit too much of it to be honest, and she doesn't need the gory details of the curse a desirable body can be for someone like him who had to live by someone else's desire and rule for centuries. His body used to answer the demands of his Master before he could understand what it even meant, yet he was haunted by his own sense of touch that made him the receptacle of caresses and beatings alike without ever having a saying in it…

“I understand them… I would have followed you too… if you had found me only a few years ago… I would have probably even thanked you for ending me in such a sweet way”

The image flashes in his mind: what if he had seen her in the streets one night? How could he have resisted the temptation to spend a few hours delirious in the delusion that she could have been his, willingly, believing the sweet lie that a pretty thing like her could have wanted him, that he was deserving of her care because she can't help but care. He knows the payment for that moment, gilded with a lying form of happiness, would have been her own life, like it was for so many others. The idea alone stings as if needles are traversing his chest and he cannot linger on it because he knows the truth: he would have indeed led her to her end. Just because she would have made him feel like he could pretend for a night to be the kind of person who deserved to be loved by someone like her.

“Stop talking like that. You are not… this is different… and there truly is no merit to my body… besides… it hasn't been mine for so long anyways…”

“I'm sorry… I didn't mean to say anything reductive… it's just been something I have been told since… ever really… she broke my spirit with that because she knew I couldn't change how I looked… and she made it very clear… what she gave me was the best I could hope for… as if anyone kind or beautiful would have ever even looked twice at something like… me”

*No… fuck this! No! I refuse to let her think that…*

His body moves just enough so that his hands can now grab her arms and turn her body flush against his, her back curving as her knees touch the bottom of the bathtub while he pulls her up to him so that her chest is pressed against his, her enchantingly pretty face looking up at him with a hint of surprise at the sudden movement. His eyes focus on the small red scratch on her bottom lip he caused himself just a few hours before

*Because she's so beautiful, if I left her unmarked I would have to fight them all off… and yet she has no idea*

If he stays too much on that sweetly innocent pout of hers the discussion might end prematurely between the sheets again and, delectable of an idea as that is, no… this feels important… necessary to get through to her

“Sweetling… you really don't know, do you? You are actually… so beautiful. Not just to me, not because I know how incredible you are… you really have no idea how captivating your pretty lovely eyes are, do you? Set within your face which seems to have been brought to life from a painting”

His eyes are fixed upon hers trying to highlight his own words. As her gaze shifts sheepishly to the side his free hand goes to capture one of her locks between his fingers as his other arm still circles her back, pulling her entire body to his

“How the softness of your long, dark curls frames you and how the contrast makes your skin sing a prayer of temptation to anyone who's ever set eyes on you?”

The hand circling her dips to the small of her back and then to the side caressing her waist and then gently grazing lower upon her hips

“How the dip below your ribcage forming your waist must have made people swoon as they followed the curve of you hips and the proportion alone would inspire anyone to become a poet if they thought it would give them a chance to have all the beauty you possess look them back in the eye as they long for you?”

The fingers still threading between her dark locks reach for her chin, pulling softly yet demanding for her eyes to meet his once again.

“Sweet thing… easy as it would be to build on those insecurities to make sure you never leave my side… I can't let you believe you are anything less than absolutely magnificent… and you'd have heard the others sing your praises too, trying desperately to get your attention, had I not been lucky enough to get into your graces first… now just… don't stray too far… and I won't have to regret this moment of honesty… deal?

“I… yes! deal! Of course, deal!”

He can feel her body press against his for purchase as she reaches for his lips, pressing quick, almost frantic pecks over his mouth, and he can feel her fumbling around though he realises his eyes must have closed shut because, before he can give it a sentient thought, he can feel she's now straddling his hips, her hands have somehow found the back of his neck and they cradle his head and thread through the curls at the nape as her lips keep peppering soft yet urgent little kisses all across his face. 

Surely innocently and without the least understanding of how this entire position is already doing things to him. 

His own hands reach for her waist and he tries to hold her gently but resolutely to still her movements

*or soon enough I will have to pin her to that mattress again and… fuck! she's just human… she's just human still… for now…*

His touch gets to her as she pulls away and stills, just enough for her dark eyes to bore into his own, she looks… excited but almost on the verge of tears at the same time. The reprieve allows for his thoughts to come back and as his hands begin rubbing her sides gently he speaks every word slowly as if measuring the honey each and every syllable is drenched with

“Good, then with such an enthusiastic Yes, you can consider yourself well and truly taken, my darling”

[hay1ock]

Late as usual lol. Only Friends Episode 9. My heart is full and my anxiety for the next 3 episodes is high lol.

Really enjoyed this episode and was nice to see the main couples kind of moving back toward each other, though seems there’s still a rocky road ahead.

These are my opinions and how I viewed what went down between everyone this episode, but don’t be surprised when I’m not hating on Ray. He’s the character I’m most invested in still.

So, opening with the morning after the night before. I think every character has crossed some sort of boundary at some point throughout the show and certainly Top was amongst those last episode after cuddling up to a passed out Mew. I don’t know how long they stayed like that but I don’t imagine Mew would have reacted quite as well as he did by just finding Top outside fishing cups out the pool. Like Mew says later, I can see his efforts throughout the episode but it did feel a little bit too much at times, especially when Mew’s moms were there too. Maybe let the man breathe and have a chance to sort through his feelings properly.

I’m trying to think more positively about Top as I know he loves Mew. Sometimes you just don’t vibe with characters or even people in real life and there was just something early on that was off-putting about Top. It was those initial interactions that felt possessive over Mew that have left this lingering suspicion about everything he does. I guess from back when he was in full TOP TIER mode and was all Mr Smugface. I appreciate him deciding to not show Mew the video of Sand and Ray. When he was looking at it again when shopping with the moms I was like, for the love of god not now lol. Mew knew he wanted to talk about Ray and probably didn’t need any hints dropping in the end, but I think it did help prompt Mew to open a long overdue conversation with Ray.

Where Top and Mew go from here we’ll have to see with the introduction of Boeing. I figured with Top’s insomnia and sleeping issues he was maybe calling someone to stay over. Now I’m hoping it was just to have a body beside him so he knew he wasn’t alone and could get to sleep. I don’t personally think with all the effort he was putting in Top would risk actually hooking up with anyone else until he was sure there was zero chance of him and Mew ever happening again, but you never know. Plus the fact it’s an ex and a very real possibility his and Sand’s shared ex… not messy at all lol. Hopefully, Mew won’t regret deciding to give him a second chance. Again, I don’t really know how I’d feel if it ever happened to me. There are no feelings on Top’s part toward Boston and yes, Boston dripped poison in his ear. It was before Mew and Top swapped I Love Yous and had sex… I guess the only way to know if he can forgive him is by trying to be with him again. It will either reignite or snuff out completely the lingering feeling of love.

Jumping back to Ray and Sand. The tension between them in that music room scene was just wow. The amount of emotions Sand expressed with his eyes alone was just…First always impresses me.

In the end I feel bad for them both. Sand doing his best to walk away and move on, despite his feelings for Ray, and Ray desperate to hold onto the one person who has made him happy in a long time. Sand has known what Ray is like since their first meeting and yet he still fell for him. He’s seen the bad, the absolute worst, but he’s also seen the Ray who isn’t blackout drunk or high or triggered by his trauma and abandonment issues. It’s up to Sand if he thinks he can handle a person who is dealing with so much baggage. Personally, if Sand is strong enough I want for him to support and continue to love Ray. With him, Ray is so much better, episode 5 showed how good they can be together, and for each other, as Sand also got to have fun and live a little like a student should, not just living to work. Obviously, love isn’t a cure for mental illness and addiction, but thinking that even on the bad days, especially in Ray’s case, that someone can stick around and does love him, then it can make things a little bit easier. I just need Ray to realise there is someone there for him and so it’s now up to him to want to get better. Because Mew’s right, most people do have some kind of limit as to what they can put up with, and Ray is A LOT.

Now, I don’t support cheating and agree that with no context Ray and Top’s action are pretty much as bad as each other. As a viewer, however, I know the relationships of TopMew and RayMew are very different. Top and Mew were supposed to be in love. Top dropped his boyfriend (yep, based on passage of time and what was said in ep 3 and 4, and beyond, I am willing to die on this hill LOL) at home, met up with Boston, got his knickers in a twist over a kiss from 2 years ago and then decided (after Boston twisted the truth a little) fucking Boston was the appropriate response. I just find myself struggling to be as sympathetic about that situation as I am concerning the Ray and Mew and Sand mess. In a way, when Mew says how what Ray did was the same as what Top did to him, I felt as if he maybe saw it how I did - how Sand kind of falls into the role of Mew in this trio’s case. (Ray isn’t doing it behind Sand’s back as such but he is involved in perpetuating a lie about his and Mew’s relationship).

It is Sand and Ray who were in the developing relationship, where feelings of love were being nurtured. Sand had reset them back to friends after episode 5, but it seemed, after the crash, as if they were once again growing closer. But then, in comes Mew. This isn’t to villainize him. He himself was hurt and confused and looking to get away from himself, and probably didn’t think about what it really meant for the two of them if they stepped beyond friends. If he hadn’t questioned Ray’s feelings for him, opened the door to what if, then I feel like Ray would likely have never brought it up himself. He had been told by Mew if he wanted him in his life, he had to give up on thinking of him in a romantic light. However, Mew put it out there. Regardless of his feelings for Sand, Ray would never risk losing Mew, he said it himself during their conversation this episode. If he rejected Mew there’s the fear Mew might be upset, abandon him completely. If he told him there was someone else, about Sand, there’s the risk it would be seen as a betrayal - so you didn’t really love me (Mew) all this time? It was a lie?

I just really sympathise with Ray’s situation, especially when it feels as if his love for Mew has been his one reason for staying alive for the last couple of years (though it seems he’s only recently been living since meeting Sand). Though he was not actively pursuing Mew, being by his side and cherishing him as a friend has been a constant in his life, his purpose, one that was thrown into disarray when Top came into the picture. He’s scared of people leaving him and now he has two important people in his life he can’t let go of.

But in all of this, Sand is who I felt for the most. Sand was the one who had the most emotional investment in the mess. Who was watching the person he liked going back to another man.

Mew was never invested. We knew since last episode he wasn’t. Not kissing Ray when they were alone but doing so in front of Top to spite him. Daydreaming of intimate bookstore dates with Top but not seeming to want to do anything one-to-one with Ray, instead going out and requesting parties. Even this episode, Mew was happy to agree to drink with another man, lock eyes with him over the rim of his glass, get chatted up. It just felt like there should have been the conversation of ‘sure we can talk but my boyfriend will be here soon’ in that moment.

Then we’re at Mew’s place. I understand Ray saying love makes the most sense when used in talking about Mew. He knows he loves Mew vs whatever the hell it is that keeps drawing him back to Sand. Maybe if Mew had phrased it differently a conversation could have started but the word love for Ray at this point only applies to Mew. A kiss leads to things getting handsy and Mew pushing him away. Ray’s despair filled ‘again’, actually kind of hurt. Ray was harsh, frustrated but I believe him when he said it wasn’t only about wanting sex or beating Top. Ray has always seemed like he craves intimacy, be it kisses, sex, simply hugging Sand in the morning, always reaching out and taking hold of Sand’s hand/wrist and wanting a connection. Mew has the right to say no, but I understand Ray seeing it as rejection, why he asked was he that bad? It’s just more proof he’s unlovable. It was like he was begging for Mew to prove him wrong, give him any sign there was anything between them. But Mew stays quiet. Do I wish they could have talked calmly and maybe gotten to the bottom of what they were doing to each other right then? I really do. But instead they go their separate ways.

Sand really did underestimate Ray’s desire to come see him. And no, I don’t think it had anything to do with sex at this point either, despite what I’ve seen a few people think. Oh Mew wouldn’t fuck him so he’s off to Sand. Personally, I felt it was about him wanting his comfort person, the person who shows him intimacy and care. The person who despite Ray turning up at 2am and being pissed off still allowed Ray to cuddle up to him.

Will drop it in here that Sand Ray Nick is the comedy trio I never knew I needed. Nick and Sand were so wholesome this episode and I’m glad they got to have fun, have a little kiss and stick to being the good friends they are.

I’m glad Sand was honest with Ray, finally properly admitting how he feels about him. Ray’s been in an odd limbo with Sand, another reason he was probably scared to make a proper decision between the two of them, because what if he picked wrong and lost both of them. It was cute how Sand helped lead Ray out of the water.

And so, we’re outside the caravan. Ray back in his ‘would anybody really care if I wasn’t here’ mode. I kind of like that he was in Sand’s t-shirt that had WANTED on it. In that moment, Ray really did feel wanted, realising someone would care if he was gone. It was a mixed feeling when he said about following Sand’s dream with him, up til now there’s been no hint Ray thinks about the future. Mew was behind setting up the hostel for him, so it was nice to see him finally think about something, even if it is to accompany Sand on his dreams, rather than declaring them as his own just yet.

Now, do I wish we could have had a clean break with Mew before the beautiful sex scene? Yes, I kind of do. But for Sand’s benefit more than anything else. So, he could be sure Ray was finally choosing him. Because of what we know, the fact RayMew was a sham, that Mew had no feelings invested this time around that could actually be hurt, I personally wasn’t conflicted by Ray and Sand having sex. It really felt as if Ray had made his choice. Their scene together was beautifully done, the love in Ray’s eyes and the gentle kisses after sex as they lay together. I was so happy for them.

And then, for anyone still in doubt about Mew really not giving a fuck, we have the much needed conversation between him and Ray. I’m glad they came out of it still friends and it’s not hard to see why. Neither’s heart was really in it. I like that Ray was able to be honest when prompted. It gave me a similar feel as what happened with Sand at the end of episode 5, except this time he got to talk things through with Mew. I feel as if he doesn’t feel he’s allowed to talk about stuff, or maybe how to open up and start, it was like he wanted Sand to ask questions on that night and so in a way he was relieved when Mew asked and opened up the conversation. His expression seemed to relax, accepting it was time to get everything out in the open. I’m excited and scared where things will go next. Ray was less than convincing in saying he’d talk to a therapist when Mew reminded him. It does seem from the preview he might make a move in that direction, though it seems he’s in his ‘bargaining’ stage of his grief. If he’s going to do something difficult, then so should Sand in meeting his dad. Doing it for someone else rather than himself probably isn’t going to go well, even if he admitted he has problems and was seeking help for himself, the road ahead would be littered with ups and downs, but I’m hoping by the end of the series we can at least leave him (& Sand) on an up.

So, what else for Nick. Well, I suppose there could still be some bedroom kinks for Daddy Dan, but seems the name came from Nick rather than Dan instigating it. It was sweet to see Nick smile and apparently, feel something vs his sparkless attempt at kissing Sand. I hope Dan is a good guy, there is the possible power imbalance due to him being Nick’s boss, but I’d like to think it could work out. I just wonder what the ‘lots of issues’ with his last relationship were. The scene between Nick and Boston was… interesting lol. I’m not sure it needed to be done right then and there in the bathroom but hey, when you’ve gotta go pour out your feelings, you’ve just gotta go. Plus Boston was kind of a captive audience backed into the stall so Nick got to get everything off his chest. It looked as if Boston was slightly moved, and seeing Nick with Dan, it seemed as if he had some sort of regrets. I don’t know if it’s any form of love or like, or it’s more missing just having him around as a friend. They spent a lot of time together it seemed like at the water park and Nick taking an interest in his photography - like has he shared this passion with the people who were supposed to be his friends? So yeah, maybe it’s just having someone around who was constant and a bit more intimate. I guess we shall see…

And speaking of Boston. Good luck when Cheum finds out you shagged her brother. And it does seem Atom is Nick 2.0 the upgraded crazier version. It was interesting to see Boston step back inside the gate when Atom got angry, rarely see Boston being the one to get intimidated and back up. It was only supposed to be a one night stand type of deal, Atom asked for it and though there was a little bit of hesitation, Boston accepted the invitation for sex. I’m actually a little scared for Boston. People can do crazy things when feelings get involved and Atom really doesn’t seem to be handling his well. I’m hoping nothing serious goes down, but when Cheum finds out I’m not sure Boston will be back with the group anytime soon lol.

Is that everything? I think so. This was heavy on the Ray rambling I think lol, though he was in two large chunks of story with Mew and with Sand. I just find his character so interesting. Anyway, I look forward to seeing the three couples’ dynamics next episode as well as how the characters around them play roles in what goes on.

I really do love this show.

[guineapigsandbooks]

- AI-Less Whumptober -

day three: trauma thursday

prompt(s): survivor's guilt, "it's not your fault."

fandom: Wolverine Frogs (my debut novel ayy)

"You know, you remind me a lot of her."

Lara looks up with a scowl on her face. "Of who?"

"Polly."

Lara rolls her eyes. "That would make sense. I'm her sister—"

"You're also... different from her, though. I can't really explain it."

Lara blinks at him. "I heard the others say she was blonde. That she died her hair."

"You know that's not what I meant, Lamb."

Lara stares at him blankly, trying to figure out why she's even bothering to entertain having a conversation with him. "This is stupid." She settles on saying. "You're stupid."

That does it.

"Why do you always push me away?” Joey’s voice is raw, laced with frustration.

Lara exhales slowly, trying to keep her voice steady. “I’m not Polly, Joey.”

His brow furrows, a flicker of something unreadable crossing his face. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know what it means.” She snaps, feeling the heat of the moment rising. “You wanna know why I'm so different from my sister? Polly let you hurt her. She let you walk all over her, over and over again, but I won’t let you do that to me.”

For a moment, Joey seems frozen, like her words had struck somewhere deep. But then, as if something primal snapped inside him, his face twists in rage. His claws shoot out, and before Lara can react, she feels the sharp sting of his claw grazing her arm. A searing pain blooms where he cuts her, red drops of blood welling up on her skin.

Lara gasps, flinching back, clutching her arm. Joey’s breath comes out in ragged bursts, his eyes wild. But then, almost as quickly as the anger had come, it fades. His chest heaves as he looks down at his hands, his claws retreating, the horror dawning on him.

“I... I didn’t mean to—” His voice wavers, softer now. “Lara, I'm sorry.”

Lara, still holding her arm, looks up at him, her gaze steady despite the pain. “You're so full of shit, Joey.”

Joey shakes his head, his expression pained. But she's right. She knows she is. “It wasn’t about you, alright? I’m not even sure why I got so mad. It’s not your fault, Lara. I—” He stop, looking at her wound, guilt shadowing his face. "It's not your fault."

She's not going to cry. She's not. She's—

Lara knows she should just take it at that and shut up about the whole thing. But she doesn't. She just can't ever seem to help herself. "Did you say that to my sister when you attacked her like some rabid animal as well?"

"I never attacked her, lamb," his voice breaks.

"She was scared of you, though, wasn't she?" Lara sneers. "She was scared enough to run from you, and she was scared enough to try and shoot you."

She'd never seen him look so small. She wondered how far she could go before he stopped being sad and started getting pissed.

Lara says, "It's a shame she didn't finish the job."

"Yeah, it is," Joey says, catching her off guard, laughing dryly. "A real shame."

The blood from her arm drips onto the ground, a drop hits her foot.

A single tear falls down Lara's cheek.

[fnaffancontentbutmostlyglamrocks]

Something that bothers me with ANY Monty and Glamrock Bonnie theory.

In this series, we never have had an answer, to be blunt, before all of the clues related to it were dropped. We were dripped fed who the killer was. It was first a newspaper article, then a purple sprite, then a furry, then a mad scientist. Then something, something digital ghost.

My point is that we had these layered questions. Who was this man? Why did he do it? Was it even a man? Etc.

I think that's why the Phone Guy theory was solid at the time. With the clues we had, it made sense. Then, new clues came about.

How does this relate to Monty?

Well, recently, I've seen so many posts on Twitter that are just like, "How can you be so dense? Look at all the evidence Monty killed Bonnie."

They will bring up the same stuff. The Missing Message, The Understudy Message, The Electric Sign in Ruin, The Gutter Ball in HW2.

Look how evil Monty is.

Then, they conveniently forget about the message that Monty skips shows. You know, the shows he supposedly killed Bonnie to perform in. The other parts of the missing message. How Bonnie was acting very suspicious that night. How he ended up in Bonnie Bowl when the message said he was the last seen in Gator Golf.

The fans who don't think Monty is guilty aren't dense. They just see questions that haven't been answered and think, "There's more to this."

Why was Bonnie going to Monty Golf?

Why did he visit the East Arcade?

Why did it take him hours to get to each place?

Why is Monty visiting the catwalks during shows? Enough times that the staff just knows he'll be there.

Why is Bonnie found in Bonnie Bowl and not Gator Golf?

What's with the rug? (It comes from the East Arcade, BTW)

So now you have another set of questions.

Did Bonnie cut up the carpet and use it? If so, why? What was he planning?

I'm not saying that Monty is 100% innocent. There is logic to think he did something, and it is apparent he does seem to hate Freddy and wants to replace him. Some things indicate he might've defended himself and feels guilt about what happened.

It's like Roxy is a self-entitled diva who reflects her insecurity on others. At the same time, we know she can be caring and protective of those she cares about.

So why can't Monty be a green-eyed monster who wants to replace Freddy? Who has also potentially dealt with trauma and regret? Might, like Roxy, have a redeeming trait we have yet to see.

I will be honest: the thought that Bonnie might've been the aggressor fills me with joy. Not because I want to rub it in if it's revealed to be true. Just because it makes him far more interesting, take the two examples above. If Roxy was just kind, and Monty was fully innocent. Would they be interesting? Not likely. You give them flaws and things they can grow out of. Suddenly, you have potential. That's why I love the idea that Bonnie might've tried something. It turns him from Freddy's lost Lenore to a character.

Bonnie could have tried to do something to Monty and failed. He also does care about Freddy. We don't know why Bonnie would try it, either. He might've been forced, too, or he was worried Monty might attack Freddy. That is far more interesting than "He was a perfect whittle angel Freddy loved."

I'm starting to ramble.

My main point.

Monty isn't "confirmed" Guilty yet. There are still questions that WILL be answered. Until then, you can think either way. Don't be acting like it's a fact.

Bonus: To anyone saying "Monty can't be red herring because it's way to obvious" congratulations. You've just found out what a Red herring is.

Little HW2 Spoiler

I noticed in the cut content, it was only "fixed" Monty who almost made it into the Bowling Game, but there's no files for shattered Monty. Nor any "Abandoned" mode for the Bowling Minigame. Such as Chica and Roxy have. Freddy has a very similar pattern, he just wasn't cut. We have his cake minigame. It doesn't have a shattered version. Also, neither of them can have a "copied" game. Freddy is missing hid head/body and Monty is bisected. I think the two of them will be given a large role in the HW2 DLC.

(Also can we Monty fans have ONE nice thing for Monty in universe. Freddy is obviously set, but Roxy got that that heartwarming scene, You can give Chica her voice-box for no reason but to be kind. Daycare attendant had his closure in Ruin. Everything that fans of these characters can appreciate. You know what us Monty fans got? Monty gets fucking electrocuted. We just want a taste of what everyone else got is all. )

Oh but imagine if this bombshell dropped

M:"Freddy, Bonnie came to me for help"

F:"From what?"

M:"You"

[sapphicblight]

Idk if you have seen haunting of the hill house but I can't stop thinking of vegaspete in that universe. Like all of the cousins and brothers and like the conflict would be so delicious before finally arriving to love romantic or familial what have you. I just...there is really no horror au or spooky au when it comes to VP.

Like anything mike flanagan would suit them. I can literally see them playing out midnight mass. Vegas in the role of the priest bringing in a entity so that he may get the chance to live a life with Pete!

HI I LOVE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE SO MUCH MORE THAN I HAVE WORDS TO EXPRESS 👁️👄👁️

it’s a masterpiece. so much love was put into every single aspect of it, and it fucking SHOWS in the final product. i could write a novel length essay, but i won’t, because i’m trying to be normal about this. somehow. 

the possibilities for the theerapanyakuls’ various traumas manifesting as hauntings are endless and delicious, and imo could really work within canon as well. you mentioned midnight mass too for vegaspete and you’re definitely onto something there, because vegas has his weird religious culty vibe going on already with his naked firehazard mirror sessions. a lot of devil/demon metaphors have made the rounds for him (as well as a highly entertaining demon vegas au by @blackwatervial) and i’m a big sucker for anything that fits the ‘religious & horny’ aesthetic. 

i imagine vegas doing what his father demands him to do, and with each killing and round of torture and bad bdsm etiquette scene, his sins and inhumane acts begin to turn him into something inhuman. into a demon of his own making. it’s what he believes he was always meant to be, always was inside. a monster. maybe he also pushes himself to become like this to please his father. maybe his father is always calling him too soft, too human, so vegas strips away his humanity and flays his own soul into scraps to lay at his father’s feet — but it’s still not good enough. 

he starts getting delusions (or in his mind he finally sees the truth) about the reason for his failure being the main family, where korn is god and the guards are his angels keeping vegas from the glory he deserves because they’re punishing him for his sins. 

i’m remembering the bloodstain pattern on pete’s back during the coup, across his shoulderblades as if seeping from wounds left behind by angel wings having been ripped off. so yeah, maybe to vegas, pete is an angel, and in when he captures pete he strips him of his status, cuts into his halo, burns and then rips off his wings, and finally makes him join vegas in sin. he falls for pete, obviously, finds beauty in the extremely fucked up thing he’s remade pete into, worships pete in his own flawed way — and once he loves pete, the beautiful haze of it drops away. all that’s left is a man, broken beyond repair, all by vegas’ hands. angel or not, vegas destroyed the one good thing he had, the one thing that could have saved him. 

(on a non vegaspete sidenote, kim’s whole thing is protecting his family. the way kim’s fear could manifest, is that the moment he starts caring about someone, he can no longer see them as they are but rather as a brutally murdered version of themselves. it’s horrifying to look at, scares him to death, and it makes him push them away,even though the reason they look like this to him is because he loves and cares for them. he sees his brothers like that and one day he starts seeing chay like that too. maybe with chay the blood even drips down onto the floor, audible even when every other sound around them should be loud enough to drown it out. and it’s all part of his motivation to go to the extremes he does to both protect the people he loves and push them away; he’s terrified of them actually becoming the corpses he sees them as.)

🧍‍♂️ y’know how i said i wasn’t going to write an essay. i guess my final note is that the minor family compound was made for haunting, it’s practically asking for it, especially with its mazelike structure and all of vegas’ trauma weighing down the very air inside.

thank you so much anon for sending me this ask and making my brain go zoom, i had a lot of fun imagining vegas (and kim) getting haunted. 😊💖

(also, anyone who hasnt seen haunting of hill house go watch even if you don't like horror, trust me)

[mitchywitchythings]

Red Is All I Can See

Summary: Life is unfair. That’s what you’ve always known, so you fought back against it. Which leads you to where you are now, on a battlefield with people you’ve only known for a while. Will you be able to save everyone or will it all end in a massacre?

Warnings: Blood, Violence, Language, Gore, Angst, Death, and Timeline is messed up

Trope: Crossover/Alternative Universe(AU)

Paring: Todoroki Shoto X Fem! Reader

Word count: 8,364 Words

Chapter 3 : | Series Masterlist

Bang!

Bang!

Bang!

3 more bullets were shot into the beast. It roared in pain for the last time before I dropped the gun and shoved it back to the ponytailed girl. She let out an oof at the harsh impact, almost falling down had she not been caught by the earphone-jacked girl.

“Hey, watch it! She could have gotten hurt, you’re just doing more damage than fixing it!” The violet-haired girl yelled out

“Is that so, well I’d like to see you try killing off all these monsters!” I retorted rudely back at her, seriously I was only trying to help, “Todoroki hang on! I’m coming!”

“I am hanging on!” Quite literally he was dangling upside down from the monster's grip

“Why don’t you just freeze it, you pussy?!” I screamed In frustration, throwing one of my blades at another titan who again was trying to devour my classmate.

My question clearly wasn’t rhetorical yet Todoroki never answered back. It was confusing, to say the least. One minute he was trying to literally freeze me to death or burn me alive and now he can’t even accomplish just freezing a single titan?! Seriously, you’ve gotta be freaking kidding me!

If his conscience couldn’t handle the fact that he would be technically freezing a poor innocent police officer or even a civilian who just so happened to get caught up in this war so he got turned into a titan, then he should have just frozen the titan's whole face or just even its mouth! It’s that simple of a solution! No need for bloodshed if he can’t take the guilt!

And even if the titan would rip the ice off of his mouth/whole face, right after he froze it. He would still have had a diversion! A means of escape! Something must be wrong if he didn’t do it. He isn’t dumb, that’s for sure. In fact, he’s like I don’t know, the top 5 in the class in terms of his IQ, I believe. Didn’t really keep track of that since it wasn’t necessary.

Though his IQ is high, do not ask about his EQ. We all know that he has some sort of trauma and/or issue. Plus he’s also very dense. Finally reaching the damned boy, I cut off the titan's fingers, effectively freeing Todoroki from its nasty clutches. I did it so quickly it didn’t have time to regenerate its eyes and all of the places I shot at(It was in its face).

Grabbing the dual-haired boy who was still convinced that I am the mastermind villain throughout all these events before he could fall. He wrapped one arm over my shoulder holding it tightly to make sure he doesn’t fall off, while I wrapped one arm around his waist.

If this situation wasn’t awkward enough, to begin with from the close proximity alone, but the fact that I had to hold tightly onto him or the consequences would be severe. Ending in a pancake Todoroki with ketchup and not syrup surrounding his corpse. I turned my head to look him in the eyes.

I was shocked. Never had I ever seen Todoroki’s face hold so much confusion and desperation as of now. His turquoise and ash grey eyes bloomed with so many mixed emotions, not only confusion and desperation. But fury, hurt, sadness, frustration, and tears. Yes, his face looked even more confused than he had been at the sports festival.

But the moment I saw tears dripping down his face, I knew that at that point and moment, I knew something was wrong. Terribly wrong, not for me per se but for poor Shoto. I had personally never seen him cry. And boy was I glad I hadn’t because fucking Hell was it so awkward. It was even more awkward and uncomfortable due to our close proximity.

I didn’t know anything about how to comfort the poor boy and I’m certainly not going to use Levi’s method of destressing and calming himself, which is cleaning everything until it was spotless of course. If it wasn’t obvious enough, what else would it have been? Spending time with me and Mikasa as a family though distant?

Nuh-uh! I mean I have noticed that he’s kinder to me and Mikasa but that doesn’t mean shit. He cares about all of his soldiers and that final. I shook my head, so many things are going on around me but I keep on getting lost in my train of thoughts.

That isn’t good, to say the least. Not good at all. Setting Todoroki down with everyone who was busy trying to fight off the titans, well more like distract them since their quirks didn’t do shit to the damned beasts.

“Shoto? May I call you, Shoto?” I asked in worry, turning his head to face me, by the chin.

‘Ah shit, way to go me. I spoke before I could even think. Too late to back out now, best get on his good side then. Even if he doesn’t believe me, I still gotta try or I’ll die trying!’ I mentally cursed at myself for getting in an awkward position.

‘Yeah sure we’re wasting time but we’ve never actually talked before unless it’s for school. Best get it off of the bucket list before we’re all inevitably killed in this stupid war. Plus can’t I just get a single good conversation through this war? Is it that much of a crime? And yes I know my classmates are dying but give me a damn second.’

“It’s Todoroki to you. Respect my name.” He replied coldly, turning his head harshly from my grasp.

“Look we got on the bad foot. I know I may not be trustworthy but give me a chance. I have never done anything wrong to any of you since we’ve been classmates these past few months.” I replied coolly, practically saying to everyone who was fighting for their lives to fuck off for a second and let me have this moment.

“Look I guess we did get off on the bad foot but I’m not going to trust you! So what we’ve been classmates for the past few months! I’m still not letting you off the hook, villain!” He yelled in frustration, squeezing both of my shoulders tightly.

“I think you should reconsider. I’ve heard rumors that before the sports festival you acted like your father. And we all practically know how much he’s like a villain if it wasn’t for the lives he saves. In fact, you don’t seem too good, Shoto. Now I’m not saying this to get on your bad side. I’m just saying that you haven’t seen my side of the story. So don’t judge the book by its cover. Because I don’t go doing that to you or would you, like me too? That can be easily arranged if you wish.” I turned his head again like before, though this time I wiped off the tears from his face with my sleeves, “Keep this in mind Shoto. Villains are made, not born.” My speech left him absolutely speechless, though despite that tears kept flowing down his face.

“I’m so so-sorry…” He let out a hiccup, “I couldn’t do it, I risked not only my life but yours as well… I couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t. It's just…” He looked like he was on the verge of breaking down, making me think he saw something that triggered him so he paused to take a minute to recover, “We’re wasting time! Everyone’s dying around us! Let’s get back to this later!” His heart was frosted over ice once more, so he scoffed and grabbed my hand.

He pulled me towards another damn titan. By now Yaoyorozu had made guns and passed them all around. Now we’re talking! Finally! We were able to fight back against these monsters! It was ironic it seems, we’re supposed to be people who save other people such as civilians and such yet we’re the ones who are in desperate need of help and like fast.

Creati after some point got super tired of making the guns and the bullets for them. She overworked herself and pushed over her limits. Now she’s practically useless and a dead weight. Her girlfriend, Jirou is currently carrying her on her back despite being practically more petite than her.

The boys would have carried her had they not been busy trying to save their own lives before they could save the others. Me, I was barely getting by, it wasn’t because I was weak or anything. I guess I just didn’t have the motivation or determination to push through and give it my all.

If I had, I would have finished all of the titans off in no time. Honestly, they might be humans and supposed allies of us, People of Ymir. But I wouldn’t think twice about leaving them to become titan food. Maybe it was from everything they’ve done to me or maybe it was something else.

The titans just kept on coming and coming. There was nothing we could do. I was beginning to run out of gas and more swords. I only had 2 extra swords left and with the number of titans after us, I don’t think we can pass through. The amount of luck and time was running out. I’d say we’ve been fighting for at least 2 hours by now.

I wasn’t sure at this point since I wasn’t keeping track of the time, though it sure did feel longer than that. The number of our survivors wasn’t that fatal per se . A lot of us were still alive, well considering I’ve seen the scouts complete more dangerous missions with lesser soldiers. Who the Hell am I even kidding with this bullshit?! Like half of the class had been wiped out!

As of currently, there are a total of 12 survivors:

Me

Todoroki Shoto

Midoriya Izuku

Uraraka Ochako

Iida Tenya

Bakugo Katsuki

Kirishima Eijiro

Kaminari Denki

Mina Ashido

Jirou Kyoka

Yaoyorozo Momo

Aizawa Shouta

Mineta was first to die, then Koda. The 3rd death was Tsuyu’s, such a tragic death. Her tongue was bitten off by the titan and while she was focused on the plan, she had not noticed the 10-meter titan creeping from her behind. I had also not noticed that until Sero pointed it out, screaming along the lines of he’ll save her.

The 4th death was Sato’s. Despite his quirk being super strong, he wasn’t strong enough to survive and lift the small building that fell on him. Effectively killing him instantly.

The 5th death was Sero, when Tsuyu had been killed, he went into beast mode—dodging all of the titans by swinging through the air with the help of his tapes. First, his right leg was bitten off and he fell on a nearby roof. I could have helped him had it not been for another titan holding me back.

He was close enough to Tsuyu’s murderer and I could tell he could only see red rage. Again he was too late, 3 more titans approached him and ripped his body apart. His death was similar to Eren’s first death in a sense. They both died in rage trying to protect the ones they love.

6th was Shoji, who died because of being accidentally stepped on by a really big titan. He had no time to process things until a large shadow casted over him. When he looked up there was nothing else he could do to stop the tears, screams, and fright coming from him. Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! He was stepped on 3 times before the beast was sure he was dead.

7th was the invisible girl, none of us saw her die of course but we did finally see her body. I'm not even sure when she died; we just found her buried in rubble, similar to Sato’s death. Though we finally saw her true form. Since when she died, her quirk also went away revealing her beautiful self. At least she was covered in the rubble when she died as she was naked.

8th was Tokoyami, and to make matters worse it was somewhat Bakugo’s fault. I’m sure he’s feeling pretty guilty now. Tokoyami, of course, couldn’t use his quirk properly but with Bakugo who was coincidentally beside him, it was definitely hard to use Dark Shadow’s true potential. Not like his quirk was much help since quirks, in general, didn’t work against the titans.

And Tokoyami relied purely on his quirk even after the internship and camp. Dark Shadow’s punches and such kept on going through the monsters, it was completely immune to it. And so another student went down to the monster's belly.

The 9th death was Oijiro, distraught by the death of his girlfriend or maybe even almost girlfriend. He gave up on hope. On everything, accepting his death he let himself be picked up by 4 titans who started tugging on each of his limbs until he was ripped apart into 4 pieces.

The 10th death was Aoyama. To cut things short his stomach went hurting after using his laser beam for an extended period of time even if it did not affect the titans. So he used them as distractions for us. The titans crowded on him so quickly right after his stomach began to hurt like Hell, using his moment of vulnerability to their advantage.

The rest of us were covered in dirt. The fabrics of our costumes had been torn apart as proof of our escape from death, also known as the mighty beasts. Blood was either seeping out or splattered from our clothes, both our own and from our classmates, dead or alive, which didn’t matter at this point. Because what mattered was getting out alive. Surviving…

By now the city was covered in debris. Titans roamed freely and I haven’t seen a single scout passing by, not yet at least. The once beautiful city now roared in a massive blaze of fire that even put Endeavor to shame. Most of the civilians may have already escaped or evacuated to the docks, but we can’t say for sure.

I think the class and my teacher find it weird that they haven’t run into any civilians by now or even other heroes. Maybe their thoughts were filled with hopes that their loved ones are safe. I could tell they were desperate to see their families and friends, but they now have a duty to uphold. If they won’t help in fighting who will?

Maybe everyone is focused on somewhere else…? Or maybe their… Who am I kidding? It is clear to see. Most civilians are dead. Some may have managed to be evacuated or escaped but it cannot make up for the blood that was shed. But I also had a theory, they could have also been turned into titans, which was most likely since the amount of titans roaming the city was quite a large amount.

In the distance, I heard guns going off. Like a battle was occurring. I looked at everyone else, somewhat confused that they either didn’t seem to care or they didn’t hear the guns being shot. Wait, a minute! I have an idea that might just really help.

“We won’t last like this! We need more people!” I screamed at our teacher.

“We don’t have any backup! All communications are lost as well! Looks like they took down the cell towers!” He replied in a frustrated yet tired voice.

“Weren’t we the only ones going on a field trip?! What about class-B?! If we can gather our forces with them! We might just make it out of this!”

The realization hit him, “They’re at the city square! If they're still there we can make it! it's not far from here!’ He then began to instruct the class to go to the city square and combine forces with class-B while he’ll distracts the monsters.

A lot of them didn’t like this plan. They didn’t like the fact that we’ll be using our teacher as a distraction. They think he’ll die if he fights against the titans alone, which is most like the outcome. They had learned that the hard way of almost losing their teacher with the USJ incident

My classmates protested, especially Iida who looks up to Aizawa-sensei immensely, that’d be a huge blow to him if our adviser would return injured or even not return at all. Kirishima is well saying along the lines that it’s not manly of us to leave our teacher behind. Our teacher's heart warmed up at that obviously.

Of course, he didn’t want to leave us all alone to fend for ourselves. He was supposed to look after us. Now it was on his watch that almost half of his students had died. I could tell his conscience felt very guilty about that and devastated. Who wouldn’t be?

I wasn’t close to our teacher though. But I understand his actions and where he was coming from. A shot of deja vu tan through me. His actions remind me of Commander Erwin. It felt so long since his death passed and I’m sure none of us had gotten over it.

But we continued to persevere, fight, and survive. We continued his legacy. So that is why it pains me to watch our teacher sacrifice himself just as our Commander did. It was for the greater good. If our sensei would distract the titans, drawing them all near him.

We’d have a clear shot at survival. We’d probably make it to the city square and regroup with class-B. If not then we’ll figure another solution out. For now, we’ll have to gamble and take the risk.

“Let’s go, everyone! There’s no time to waste! We don’t have another plan! Use your quirks and let’s go! Don't let our teacher’s sacrifice be for nothing!” I screamed at them as though they were soldiers, trying to knock them out of their fears.

“Plus Ultra!” With tears in their eyes, they knew I was right, then we all yelled a battle cry, pushing ourselves over our limits.

We ran and used our quirks, my body felt tired. Everyone else felt like that. We felt heavy and as though we were pushing a boulder. Todoroki who once again was beside me using his ice to move faster. Midoriya and Bakugo ran behind him, I could tell though that Midoriya was taking this the hard way. It wasn’t only him though. Everyone looked defeated with tears and frustration kept building up inside of them.

“Hurry up everyone! We’ll have time to mourn for them all later, but if we don’t hurry up we might end up with the same fate as the-!” I was cut off by a scream that came from where we left our teacher.

“Come on! Bring all you’ve got! I’m over here!” Sensei yelled trying to bring all the titans towards him which unfortunately did work.

We decided to tune out those sounds. Listening to them further would only make us more guilty for leaving him behind. 2 more minutes of running and I’d say we’d reach City Square. If class-B still stands then we’d have a second shot at getting through this.

“We’re almost there, we can’t stop now!” I grabbed the ponytailed girl from Jirou, who was on the verge of collapsing, “Kaminari, carry Jirou, we must push forward if we can to survive!” Even if I was tired I placed the girl on my back.

“I can take it, give her back!” Both tired and exasperated, the said girl screamed her lungs out at me.

Iida but in to scold us, “Argue later, for now, we have to survive! Do not let Aizawa-sensei’s sacrifice go to waste!”

“What’s the plan, bitch face?! Once we reach class-B and regroup what’ll we do?!” Bakugo, who flew beside me using his explosions, asked calmly.

Rolling my eyes at him, “We’ll split into groups probably, first I’ll let you guys evacuate your family then we move onto the civilian's right aft-!” The falling of boulders rapidly from the sky cut me off, “Shit! It’s the beast titan! Fuck! Everyone! Get behind me! We have to continue before it’s too late! Bakugo if ever boulders or debris is blocking our way, blast them to bits!”

“With pleasure!” He smirked, finally getting his hopes of turning the tides around against the titans.

I grabbed Todoroki’s hand, who happened to be the closest one near me and dragged him behind me. While Bakugo got the message I yelled at him, flew in front of me, and began to lead the way to City Square. We were dodging the boulders to the best of our abilities but that wasn’t our only obstacle.

Because there were still the occasional titans we just so happened to pass by. Yes, Aizawa-sensei drew in most of the titans from this area, still, some kept getting in our way. Like right now.

I scream a battle cry into the air, “Agh! Fucking die already!”

I quickly flew ahead of Bakugo and dropped. Yaoyozorou who was on my back, into his arms. Causing him to stumble back and yell out a curse at me. The titan just popped out of nowhere. It was going to be face to face with him and it was about to eat him by surprise had I not acted. Swerving behind the beast with my aerobatics skills, I sliced off the titans' nape. Making its blood splatter on me, freaking disgusting.

Kirishima, who saw this all happening, decided that he wasn’t going to run and do nothing except watch us do all the work. For him, it wasn’t something manly. So he rushed to Bakugo, jumping on top of the debris and boulders, grabbing the girl from Bakugo’s arms. He placed her on his back and continued to push himself forwards.

I flew back next to Todoroki and let Bakugo lead the way. Occasionally he had to blow up some debris and boulders both coming in our way and blocking them. I also had to come in and intervene sometimes because titans kept randomly popping out, I didn’t want any more students to die so I decided to act upon myself quickly.

“We’re almost there!” I screamed, seeing a bunch of different colored hairs in the distance as I finished off yet another titan.

“Then let’s hurry!” Todoroki screamed as he and our classmates passed by me, grabbing my hand and pulling me into him.

“By the way, I’m still not done with you, I still wanna know why you risked my life.” I glared at him the same way he used to glare at me.

“We’ll have time for that later.” He glared back, not backing down.

I rolled my eyes and scoffed, “If there even is a later, I’ll protect you and everyone until we part ways to evacuate the civilians. I’ll be going with you though since you trust me so much.” I spoke sarcastically to which he just nodded irritatedly.

Running and pushing ourselves past our limit we finally reached City Square. A chance to victory was in our hands. A bunch of newly graduated cadets was supposedly positioned here. Even if they were cadets they could help me a lot.

“Shit!” I grabbed Todoroki and placed him behind me as a gunshot fired into the air.

It hit Bakugo in the shoulders, making him curse in pain. Midoriya who witnessed everything cried out for his childhood friend, grabbing him quickly and then hiding behind a large piece of debris. Ripping a piece of his hero costume to use as a bandage, he tied it tightly around his shoulders in an attempt to stop the blood.

I and everyone else followed his actions, hiding behind large pieces of fallen debris. Mina let out a scream as a bullet shot into her left abdomen. Kaminari, who was next to her, quickly took off the jacket from his hero costume and ripped off a piece. Doing the same thing as Midoriya he tied the fabric to her abdomen.

With shaky hands he pressed down on the wound, hoping the blood would stop spilling out. Tears began to stream down his face. It was clear enough to see that by the amount of blood coming out from Mina, she wouldn't make it. This was her end.

I could see the life beginning to fade from her eyes. I couldn’t watch. Not when the Kirishima who passed the passed-out girl to Jirou began to sprint to Mina. Not caring that multiple bullets were shot into the air, one of them happened to graze his leg. He didn’t flinch from the pain, instead continuing to push forward, determined as ever. Plus he did use his quirk to make sure he wouldn’t die.

He crouched down to Mina and tried to help Kaminari stop the bleeding. Using the rest of what was left of Kaminari’s jacket to put pressure on her wound. Tears kept coming from both of them and I could even tell Bakugo was also crying based on the sniffles he was trying to hide.

It was sad that we don't have time to mourn the death of our classmates. It was sad we didn’t get to say goodbye. Everything just happened so quickly yet it felt like time moved in slow motion. If you even get what I mean.

Realizing quickly that we couldn’t stay behind the debris for long, I took a little peek from out behind the debris I was using as a shield. A bullet shot at me directly, just narrowly missing me. ‘Shit if I can’t find where they are positioned at, we’ll be sitting ducks!’ I spotted a broken mirror near me and Todoroki. It was a bit of a stretch but completely doable.

I nudged his shoulder, pointing my finger at the broken mirror shard. He extended his feet and used them to pull the mirror to us. It wasn’t as easy as it looked though, he failed a couple of times. It took him multiple tries before he successfully reached the mirror with his foot. Bullets also shot from what seemed out of nowhere. Almost hitting his leg in the process.

He stepped on the mirror and dragged it back to himself, picking it up from under his foot, he quickly handed it to me. Using the mirror, I angled it to look in different directions. I spotted a few class-B students hiding under some debris and some dead bodies scattered around the ground. The bodies belonged to those of class-B, their adviser, random civilians, and the newly recruited cadets.

There were a total of 2 of the newly recruited cadets. If I recall correctly, there should be a total of 5 of them stationed here. Seeing as this is the city square, it’d be stupid to station new recruits there, of course we had our reasons. We believed that the center of their attacks would be at city hall. Their main target being the mayor of this city.

Whispering quietly to myself as I scanned the area through the mirror, “Where are you?”

“Maybe they're in the buildings or cars.” Todoroki proposed

“Probably…” Pausing for a second to think of our next possible moves, “Hey umm… Guys, I got some good news and bad news.” Everyone who was still alive looked at me

Shoto spoke up because everyone was quiet, “Good news first.”

“Well, good news is that this is a titan free zone and there may be 3 of my comrades here to help us. The bad news is we got here too late and the Marley’s have dominated this area and I can’t seem to find them. So we'll need someone to create a distraction, then that’ll draw our enemies out. And with our remaining guns and bullets, we’ll kill them. Got it?” I asked everyone

They more or less seem in and out of it, it was understandable of course as their whole lives had changed so drastically in a matter of moments. I can only imagine the amount of trauma they're going through right now, as well as all of the anxiety of not knowing whether or not your loved ones are safe or at least alive. They seemed to have understood what I explained and asked of them, yet they still continued to be trapped in this sort of trance.

“This is so not manly… How can I be this useless…?” Kirishima began, his knees tucked to his body, rocking back and forth whilst he pulled his hair in frustration, tears already pouring down.

“... Kiri-” Midoriya began to try and soothe the said boy, before another person interjected.

“What about our families, will we never see them again? I didn’t even get to say goodbye or to repay my parents…” Uraraka’s voice cracked as she broke down, following the same as Kirishima, then puking, most likely from overworking her quirk.

“Guys…” Iida tried to intervene and cheer everyone up, but he himself was in the same boat as they were, so he was left like a fool speechless.

Jirou spoke a little bit too loud that the enemies had noticed, effectively shooting a bullet in our way, “She must have really overworked herself!” She pressed down on the gun shot on the ponytailed hair girl, tears already falling down as she kept mumbling to herself that everything is fine.

Everything was not fine. It was all going down hill and if we didn’t do something to turn the situation around. Then we’ll all die.

Iida who sat besides them yet never noticed the blood rushing down from vice-president’s leg began to help the 2 girls in any way he could

I see now that everyone was in despair. All hope was lost. Everyone was tired, confused, depressed, and scared. This was our first moment of break from all of the fighting and exhaustion from before. I was the same as them, yet I can’t find it in myself to care as much as I should have.

Could that have been from all the bullshit they put me through. I couldn’t tell at this point, I practically didn’t feel shit. Everything’s just so numb. I had no motivation to push through the boundaries or as per the heroes, ‘Go Beyond And Plus Ultra.’

I think Todoroki must have gotten the hint that I was also giving up on them because he began to speak to me gently, “Please, we need your help. We can’t do this alone.” He desperately begged

The depth of the graveness of the situation, settled in on him probably. In all seriousness, I was shocked by his actions to say the least. Never did I think that in my life, that Todoroki Shoto, son of Endeavor, son of the number 1 hero, best of class 1-A, begged me to help them.

I thought about my choices for a hot second then made up my mind and stood up a bit, “What else do I have to lose? Just my life of course… However, I did make an oath to save humanity and I intend to see it through. Let’s go, no more wasting time.”

A familiar boyish scream cut me off, “Agh!! (Y/n)! Captain! Mikasa! Armin! Help!”

“Oh God. Anyone but you!” I screamed and against all my wishes, when I peaked out I saw a familiar black hair, “Ayato!” I screamed out in fury before another bullet was shot to his side.

Before Todoroki could pull me back and knock some sense into me, I felt a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time. Electricity ran through my brain and I feel in full control over my body.

“Die!” I screamed out a battle cry, wasting a lot of my gas that was already running low.

With a battle cry, I killed all of the surrounding enemies without hesitation, managing to dodge all of the bullets they were rapidly shorting at me. There was only 1 final enemy left though, the one on top of Ayato. I kicked the soldier off of Ayato and grabbed his gun from him.

He laughed at me and began yelling insult after insult. All I saw was red and rage. I didn’t care who was watching, he deserved to die a painful death. Grabbing his head I threw it to the ground so hard that blood began to fall.

I was sick of it. I towered over him as he whimpered and begged to live, pathetic can’t even hold his honor. I lifted my foot over his head and began to stomp on it with all my might. Everyone’s yells went deaf in my ears.

Stomp!

Stomp!

Stomp!

Stomp!

Stomp!

Stomp!

Stomp!

Stomp!

Stomp!

Stomp!

Stomp!

Stomp!

Stomp!

Stomp!

Stomp!

His cries, whimpers, and pleads fell deaf on my ears as I began to scream out reasons why he deserved this.

“You killed my family!”

“You killed my friends!”

“You killed my soldiers!”

“You dare ask for mercy but did you even give us mercy!”

“You took away my life!”

“You took away our peace!”

“You killed my people!”

“You deserve this!”

“You keep on taking away the lives of others!”

“I was forced to become a soldier because of you!”

“It’s your fault!”

I lost count of how many times I crushed his head with my foot. Blood splattered all over my clothes, but I didn’t care. He deserved it.

“That’s enough!” Before I could even yell and stomp even more, Todoroki grabbed me from behind and began to cool me.

Trying desperately to calm me down, I looked around and I saw what remained of our class. Helping all of the Class-B students who were still alive, some of them tied up. I can only assume they were tied up because they wanted to keep them as prisoners or hostages. But then my eyes landed on Ayato and all the other new recruits, 3 remained left out of the 5.

I wriggled out of Todoroki’s grasp and ran to Ayato, “Please! Anyone but you! Don’t die! Don’t die! Don’t leave me alone!”

I quickly kneeled before him and placed his head gently into my lap as he coughed out some blood and gave me his hand, speaking in between his bloody coughs, “Live for me and take care of everyone…”

That was the last thing he spoke before dying, I felt nothing but complete sadness and rage. A few tears ran down my cheeks but there was nothing more I could do. My best friend was dead. There would be no more stupid jokes or silly stories for us to share during break time or whenever we were free.

“Ayato wasn’t supposed to be placed here. Why is he here?” I questioned

“He heard that we were having a hard time defending. So he came back up.” A new recruit hugged me from behind, tears also streaming down her face.

I grabbed Ayato’s cloak and called over Todoroki, to which I gave him my own bloody cloak and told him to wear it, reluctantly he did. I wore Ayato’s which was also stained in his own blood and ripped out his name tag from his jacket.

“Shoto. If I die, you will lead everyone on, including my soldiers. Make sure you put them first before you. Please, they have families, they have names...” I didn’t care if I wasn’t using his last name

Before he could reply, I walked away and gathered everyone up. The new recruits, my classmates, and what remained of class 1-B. Class 1-B didn’t complain nor questioned my authority, especially Monoma who looked at me seriously like an ally, yet there was still a hint of disbelief and resentment in his eyes as he stared at me. I can only assume my classmates had explained the situation to class 1-B already.

Putting my hands behind my back, I began to speak, “Today as we face the impending and inevitable war! We are all the same. We’ve lost our families, friends, dignity, and what we once called home. Today, we saw many die before us and we were helpless, we couldn’t save our fellow classmates and teachers no matter how hard we tried.”

“And who said you can lead?!” This pissed Monoma off apparently as he screamed furiously, “From what I see here you're just with them!”

“How dare you speak against her! You don’t know what we’ve been through! We save humanity, we’re fighting this war! We’re on your side!” A recruit cried out in anger towards him pulling out her blades.

“And what about it?! What were you doing when we were all being slaughtered?! Nothing?! That’s what, you did absolutely nothing as we were helplessly being killed!” Monoma spat back

“We helped! We sacrificed our lives as well!” Her and the 2 other recruits hissed back at him

“ENOUGH!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, “All of this fighting among ourselves is meaningless, we can’t do anything anymore, what’s done is done! So fucking forget about it! We only have our duties to do! We only have our duties left to uphold! Protect and serve the people! And what are we doing?! Meaninglessly yelling! Now listen up because these might be the last words you hear before you die!”

“Tch.” Both Bakugo and Monoma said in unison

Placing my tight fisted hand above my heart with my other hand behind my back, “Worry not of your fallen friends and family as no soul can say they’ve died in vain, not until the end when this war is finally over.”

“Even still, how can we win against them? Our enemies are gigantic and our quirks don’t work against them.” Uraraka cried out

“Remember this everyone, deep within us if we channel our anger and rage, we are just as barbaric as they are.” Raising my blades to the sky, “Wielding the blade of gloria we’re meant for victory! And it doesn’t matter if your quirks work or not against the titans because with every ounce of our lives we’ll fight back! We’ll reclaim the land and pride that was stolen from us! We will bring justice to all the lives taken.” Dropping my blades at my shoulders then to the cloak on Todoroki’s back, “Only those who fight against the titans are deserving of those wings! The wings of freedom!”

“They are the prey and we are the hunters!” The 3 remaining scout members yelled a battle cry.

The other getting what we were supposed to be doing followed along, “They are the prey and we are the hunters!”

“Our names won’t be remembered if we die so easily and I refuse to be forgotten! We’ll be written off less than worthless!” They began yelling battle cries, “Plead, beg, and cry but none will help you! You no longer live as cattle to the titans! Will you rise and join the battle?! Will you take your freedom back?! Will you fight in this war?!”

“Yes!” They chanted back

“Will you let them steal your freedom!”

“No!”

“Then channel all the rage and anger that’s swelling inside you and fight the boundary until we break through! And never hesitate! They did not hesitate so why should we?”

They screamed at the top of their lungs!

“Waging war with every single passing minute, we will march to victory no matter what the cost! We cannot be their prisoners! So let’s rise up again and fight until it’s over!”

“Hell yeah!”

“Every passing minute they must be slain at any cost and so we’ll offer up! We’ll sacrifice until our hearts have stopped! With our own hands let’s take a stand! We dedicate and sacrifice our hearts for humanity!” Me and the 3 other scouts screamed

“Wait what?” Both class 1-A and B deadpanned

“All that was lost, all the lives that were laid down was not in vain! Everything leads up to this moment!” We screamed out without both classes

“Shinzo wo sasageyo!” We finished with a salute.

“What do you mean by sacrificing our lives for humanity?” Todoroki looked at me seriously.

“This is war. And you will either die with honor or die a coward. Or you’ll survive to see another day. It’s your actions which will decide your outcome.”

Midoriya jumped in, “(L/n) not all of us want to die.”

“Of course, I understand everyone’s feelings but as a soldier, I’ve decided my life to fighting this war since I was 12, along with every single soldier fighting this war, we graduated when we were 15 and most weren't able to see past that age. However for me being an Ackerman meant that I excelled, when I was already 13 I began working in the Scott’s regiment. Which means that I have the most experience in war here. I’ve seen more people die than any of you here. So I suggest that you get over with it and help us evacuate the civilians. If not, run back to your families. I don't care.”

“(L/n), I get you but you can’t just drop all of this on us, just this morning we didn’t expect that all of this would happen but it did.” Speaking in tears Kirishima interjected

“This happened to us as well, but unlike you guys. Nobody was there to save us, so many lives were lost that day. And so many lives continue to be lost with every day this war continues.”

“You bitch! We also have families, do you not consider how we feel?! They could be dead!” Bakugo marched forward pointing his fingers at my chest, he looked like he was close to strangling me, yet unshed tears were clear as day in his eyes.

Giving him a sad smile, “Yes I get you, I watched powerlessly everyone I love die before me. But I don’t want that to happen to other children, so as much as possible. I’ll do my best to save as many people as I can.”

“And what if you die?” Todoroki questioned with clenched fist

“Then I will die with honor as I upheld my oath, protect and save humanity. To sacrifice everything until my heart stops beating. That is my duty and then after that I can finally rest in peace. I believe someone will carry out my death and bring us to victory. If I don’t die however, if others die, then their deaths will be on my shoulders and I’ll carry them to victory, even if I’m the last one standing.” The silence was loud besides from the screams of titans in the distance, “So let me ask everyone again, are you still willing to fight in this war? Last warning, only few and far between know that victory takes sacrifice. Only can they really see… See through offering up the price, our lives. If you think that your dreams come true easily then my friend you're in for a surprise because nothing in this world will come for free.”

“(L/n)-“ Iida began but I cut him off.

Walking towards Midoriya, “Deku, especially you of all people need to hear this. Foolish decision in this world, this illusion. Don’t be caught up in your reckless bravery. Or you’ll become a pawn to freedom, fighting in the chains that will hold you back. But if you move correctly, then checkmate. Victory is out there waiting. Once we win, you are not only freeing just your freeing lives but ours as well.” I gestured to me and the scouts then turned back to face everyone, “I’m counting on Deku to lead class 1-A, Iida-kun make sure to back him up and keep the class in order, do your best to make sure everyone survives this… Kendo as your class 1-B representative I expect you to lead your class, Phantom Thief back her up as well like Iida, and no figuring with 1-A this is a serious matter. I will lead my scouts of course and do my best to keep you all alive. But if I die or am unable to lead my scouts, I’ve decided that Todoroki will lead my scouts. If he refuses to take it though seeing as he has some resentment towards me or if he happens to die, Red Riot… Please take very good care of my scouts and try your best to bring them all home. Todoroki, if you do take up the position or not die of course, please believe in yourself as I do, I know we have our differences, you’ll have to excuse that for now. Let’s all be real friends after all this, okay?” This shocked Todoroki.

He couldn’t believe that you believed in him. Him of all people? Him who has been anything but kind to you? Honestly he just wants to go home and find his family, he’s so worried about his mom, sister, Natsuo, and Hell even his dad! But he knows he can’t go to them because the citizens are at a higher stake, he can only hope his mom and siblings are safe.

In fact as of when all of this started he was praying to all deities out there to save his family. It all felt suffocating, especially when one of those titans that almost killed him reminded him of Touya. Opening an old wound, he was going to freeze the titans mouth from before but he just couldn’t. Those eyes reminded him too much of his oldest brother. And because of that (Y/n) had to come save his ass.

“Are you still with me?” I asked, breaking Todoroki out of his thoughts

“Yes.” The scouts saluted to me

I looked at the class expectantly, “How do you expect us to say yes after all that?” Kaminari spoke out

“My speech isn’t really that great I’ll admit, however let me tell you the speech our commander told us when he was about to send his soldiers to their deaths. I think you’ll find it… Inspiring.”

I closed my eyes as a single tear fell from my face, this may be one of the most traumatic things I witnessed. I began to speak out as I reminisced about that moment. Managing to recall the exact words of Commander Erwin and every single thing that occured.

I replayed his words in my head, “There’s no point standing around, we'll only be showered by more boulders. Ready your horses on the double”

A soldier asked him, “Be honest, are all of us riding to our deaths?”

“Yes we are.” The Commander replied

The same soldier spoke up, “And since we’re dying anyway you’re saying that it’s better if we at least die fighting?” His voice cracked, on the verge of breaking down completely.

“I am.” Despite knowing what he was doing the Commander spoke calmly.

“Captain, isn't there anything else we can do for them?” I asked Levi

“Unless you wanna ride with them to their deaths as well, I suggest you stick with the plan.” Levi spoke calmly as well like the Commander.

“But wait… If we’ll die anyway then who cares what we do? We can just disobey your orders and it wouldn’t mean a thing, wouldn’t it?” The same soldier asked the Commander

“Yes, you’re precisely right. Everything that you thought had meaning. Every hope, dream, or moment of happiness. None of it matters as you lie, bleeding out on the battlefield. None of it changes what a speeding rock does to a body. We all die. But does that mean our lives are meaningless? Does that mean that there was no point in our being born? Would you say that of our slain comrades? What about their lives? Were they meaningless?” The Commander's eyes widened as rage filled him, a newfound motivation, “They were not! Their memory serves as an example to us all!” Walking to the middle of the crowd I began to yell out everything I could recall, “The courageous fallen!” I grabbed Todoroki’s shoulder, “The anguished fallen!” I moved onto Iida, then Midoriya, Bakugo, and everyone else who was still alive, after that I went back in front of everyone and screamed, “Their lives have meaning because we the living refuse to forget them! And as we ride to certain death, we trust our successors to do the same for us!”

“BECAUSE MY SOLDIERS DO NOT BUCKLE OR YIELD WHEN FACED WITH THE CRUELTY OF THIS WORLD! MY SOLDIERS PUSH FORWARD! MY SOLDIERS SCREAM OUT! MY SOLDIERS RAGE!”

Taking a breath to calm myself down, another tear fell from my face.

“After that they all died. But they put their trust in us as their successors that we will continue fighting and their deaths won’t go to vain. If there’s anyone who can bring about change, it’s someone capable of giving up what matters most… People who are capable of abandoning their humanity when forced to rise above monsters. Those who can't abandon anything… Can’t change anything. So I’ll ask one more time… WILL YOU SACRIFICE YOUR HEARTS UNTIL THEY HAVE STOPPED AND FIGHT IN THIS WAR?!”

“… Yes.” One by one they finally agreed to fight in this war after Midoriya finally agreed to.

“If we survive this, I promise that from then on. We have a winning shot! If we make this alliance work, all of their deaths won’t be in vain! And I promise you this! If we survive all this, I’ll do my best to bring you all home!” This time it was the scouts who cheered the loudest at the mention of being able to go home.

Home… That was the trigger for everything, making everyone scream out at the top of their lungs. Gathering a lot of titans attention though they were far away. And so they began to run in our director at full speed.

“Now! Let the onslaught begin!” I screamed along with them, raising my blades in the air.

[cheezits4lyfe]

Interlude - Strings of Fate Ch. 2

AO3 || Table of Contents

**NOTE: This is a slow, slow burn I'm writing in real time, so apologies if there's a delay between postings!!

WC: 661

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Leandra goes to The Quaffing Quaggoth to try and earn some tips...but finds some unwelcome guests in the audience.

TW: religious trauma || disordered eating/food guilt || body image issues

------------------------------

Chapter 2 - Interlude

Just as Leandra predicted, The Quaffing Quaggoth already has a lively crowd of young nobles and merchants drinking, eating, and blabbering. Leandra looks around for the owner, and her eyes brighten to match her kind smile as she spots Baklin Stoneshaft: owner and bartender of the joint. Bussing tables and wiping down messes as he can, the dwarf snakes between tables until he spots Leandra. Dropping off the dirty glasses at the bartop, Baklin wades through the rowdy royals toward her.

“Well, well, well. Thought ya’d never come back the way this lot behaved last time.”

“Ah, it takes more than a few ill-mannered boys to scare me off, Mr. Stoneshaft.”

The dwarf waves his hand in polite dismissal. “Please, call me Baklin.”

“Alrighty…Baklin.” Leandra smiles politely before looking around at the crowd. “Well, it’s a bit early, but I figured I’d check if you could use some music?”

Baklin grabs the dirty cups from the bartop and gestures toward the stage by nodding his head over his shoulder. “You know where ‘backstage’ is. Go ahead and get yerself set up, let me know if any of these knobs give you too much trouble.”

Leandra chuckles and nods as Baklin busses the dirty dishes to the back of house. She walks toward the stage, then goes behind the small curtain to the broom closet that is the “backstage” of The Quaffing Quaggoth. She takes a moment to sit down, closing her eyes and enjoying the brief respite before opening her violin case.

As she grabs her cloth to wipe away excess rosin, a scrap of paper flutters out. She rests her violin on her lap before bending down to pick it up.

“Chains of greed bind; Hunger’s bite inspiring grasping hands; The Judge offers choice; The Righteous teach how to choose.”

Leandra furrows her brow in frustration and rolls her eyes as she reads over the verse, dripping with faux martyr-like humility. She crumbles it up and tosses it into a nearby bin, then turns to clean off rosin from her strings. Before heading on stage, she turns to the full-length mirror.

Her long, dark brown hair is tied half-back so it’s out of her way, but still frames her face. She adjusts her corset and tunic to try and give the illusion of cleavage (hopelessly, as usual). Looking at her tight brown pants, she sighs as her gaze trails down to the thickness of her thighs and the width of her hips. She adjusts her pants just enough to disguise her slight lower stomach, making her feel more comfortable with being on-stage.

After a quick once-over in the mirror, Leandra sighs and smiles. “Good as it’s going to get, I suppose,” she mutters, plastering on a polite smile before stepping on stage to some tipsy whoops and hollers.

Despite the amount of drinks flowing and the increase of patrons, everyone is pretty well-behaved and tipping generously. Leandra gets a few requests, engaging in some polite flirtation here and there until she feels her shoulders tensing up after a few hours of performing. She finishes her last jig with a flourish, then takes a bow before she returns to her little broom closet of a room behind the stage. The audience applauses politely as Leandra takes her leave.

Once “backstage”, Leandra sighs as she leans against the door. As she goes to place her violin in its case, she notices something odd near her rosin. It’s a rock with a strange symbol engraved into it, which glows with a sickly grey light. She examines it for a moment before her eyes go wide and her stomach drops. “Oh fuck me—”

Leandra quickly and meticulously repacks her violin before grabbing her knapsack and slipping out of the room. Already in flight-mode, she doesn’t register that there’s someone standing right outside her door. She runs right into them, and feels her legs go weak as she feels a strong grip on her biceps.

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Table of Contents

s/o to these other wonderful Gale/Tav works on AO3 which inspired me to try writing my own fanfic for the first time! Definitely check them out if you haven’t already :)

first light by absoluteTomfoolery

Carrying Your Love With Me (and so much more) by MercyInReach

what should I do but tend by PouroverPaloma

Dekarioses of Waterdeep by Scotsomighty

also, s/o to these super helpful resources I've been using to write this!

Forgotten Realms Wiki

Obsidian Portal - City of Splendors, Dungeon of Madness

Waterdeep Interactive Map

Detailed Waterdeep Map by u/flamableconcrete (Reddit)

Detailed Waterdeep Ward Maps & Sublocations by u/RavenxAlmasy (Reddit)

Weather in the Realms (from Dandello's Faerûnian Almanac)

[daytura]

Thanks lav, and thanks OP @waterloggedsoliloquy ... My latest re-read of House of Leaves is from December 2023 so the following might not be 100% accurate. At a textual level I definitely agree Johnny makes errors of commission as much as Zampano makes errors of omission as much as Pelafina drips with transformative verse. I don't quite get the dissociative vibe — by contrary I think Johnny is deeply deeply sensual, or at least he writes in such a vivid way to "enchant" his experiences with that level of immersion.

e.g. pg. 88-89 with Kyrie: " ... She just yanked me up on the emergency brake, dropped her seat back and told me to lie down on top of her, on top of those leather pants of hers, extremely expensive leather pants mind you, her hands immediately guiding mine over those soft slightly oily folds, positioning my fingers on the shiny metal tab, small and round like a tear ... "

The way I read it, Johnny is sharp enough to pick up on the atoms of experience, little bits of percepts, and string them together. I suspect he's also responsible for smoothing out the narrative flow of Zampano's manuscript as well. He's Pelafina's child after all. In any event, regardless of whether he's uber-detached from or uber-immersed in his experiences, it all loops back to the fact he's traumatized, and in a state of escape. He's always trying to escape because he's always been flighty because he's never known safety more than letters from Mom because ... well we know the story. Is it too late to say "Happy Mother's Day"? — May 13th, 2024. Johnny Truant is the Holden Caufield of the 1990s/2000s.

Altogether what gets me most about Johnny isn't one particular quote, or sex scene, or particularly good edit, but rather what his entire corpus of footnotes and journal entries (and poems, I'll see if I can get to the Pelican Poems this week) says about him: this is trauma. This is a young boy in a man's body. This is a person who doesn't know tomorrow exists.

pg. 151, Hailey: "I think Johnny was a little off here [talking about their hookup]. I wanted to write and tell you [Editors, publishers] about it. We actually had a pretty rad time (though his screams were really weird and definately scarred me.) He was very sweet and really gentle and kinda crude too but we still had a lot of fun. It did hurt my feelings the part about my breath. Tell him Ive been brushing my teeth more and trying to quit smoking. But one part he didn't mention. He said the nicest things about my wrists. I was sorry to hear he disappeared. Do you know what happened to him?" — That really doesn't sound like a mindless hedonist.

If Pelafina was silk in a burning mill Johnny is an orchid trying to grow in mud. At least he gets a dog in the end.

protag johnny truant talks a lot abt his sex life and the girls he fucks, seemingly without a direct relation to what he footnotes. but theres always this weird dissociative vibe to it and a lot of ppl think he's lying to sound better than he is (smth he admits to having done, telling insane stories abt how he got his disfigurements is part of his (often unsuccesful) pickup routine), but i ask what does he have to lie about in footnotes no one is ever going to see? my theory is that they are things he thinks happened, or things he is afraid of happening, and writing them out is his way of assuaging the anxiety brought on by delusion or ocd

notably these alleged fantasies are not particularly flattering or satisfying. they are under bizarre or unideal circumstances, involve him feeling deeply ambivalent and lonely, and explicitly mentions not finishing. a woman he doesnt remember becoming friends with uses him as revenge sex on her fiancé. so i find it hard to believe hes doing it to bolster an image or even an ego. if they do happen, even in part, these are not healthy or even necessarily coping mechanisms that make him feel better. often they make him feel worse, lost, alone.

I won't deny that Johnny's parts can be hard to get through. He can be crass, misogynistic, uncomfortable, unhygenic, dissociative, painful, ugly, and sometimes there's just plain bad sex. But I think it's unfair to discount these sections as entirely discrete from and unrelated to Zampano's paper on The Navidson Record. Johnny's story is included in House of Leaves for a reason. It's a part of the whole. There's a lot to be said about Johnny, whose life has never had any security to begin with, whose life is a series of winding pathways that leave him substance reliant and unsure of his place in anything-- in space in time in other people's lives-- reading a book about a movie where this upper middle class nuclear family moves into a new house and immediately have their own sense of domestic safety completely and totally shattered.

Here he is, speaking about his disfigurements (the things he has to tell ludicrous, pulpy stories about in order for people to not recoil away from him):

"All of it true too, though of course scars are much harder to read. Their complex inflections do not resemble the reductive ease of any tattoo, no matter how extensive, colorful or elaborate the design. Scars are the paler pain of survival, received unwillingly and displayed in the language of injury."

Here's him talking about that lady who has him as revenge sex:

"Before I left she told me our story: where we'd met-Texas- kissed, but never made love and this had confused her and haunted her and she had needed to do it before she got married which was in four months to a man she loved who made a living manufacturing TNT exclusively for a highway construction firm up in Colorado where he frequently went on business trips and where one night, drunk, angry and disappointed he had invited a hooker back to his motel room and so on and who cared and what was I doing there anyway? I left, considered jerking off, finally got around to it back at my place though in order to pop I had to think of Thumper. It didn't help. I was still hurting, abandoned, drank three glasses of bourbon and fumed on some weed, then came here, thinking of voices, real and imagined, of ghosts, my ghost, of her, at long last, in this idiotic footnote, when she gently pushed me out her door and I said quietly "Ashley" causing her to stop pushing me and ask "yes?" her eyes bright with something she saw that I could never see though what she saw was me, and me not caring though now at least knowing the truth and telling her the truth: "I've never been to Texas.""

I don't know. I just have a profound compassion for this guy. Maybe it's my own history with abuse and neglect and dissociation and unreality but it kind of shocks me to see how many people respond to this guy who desperately needs help and isn't going to get it, who is deeply terrified of other people and wanting them and hurting them or himself... as an imposition and annoying. It's such a fundamentally different read, one I hadn't even considered.