#well sort of. i'll probably be on less next week for work reasons but i'll still be here

[iguessitsjustme]

hello friends i am back. just had a mental reset in a weird way but i feel much better now so i'm back to being silly goofy on tumblr

[tsukimefuku]

Right, wrong and the in-between (Part 1)

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You and Higuruma were assigned to investigate the disappearance of women around Shinjuku. This led to a dicey situation regarding what place Jujutsu sorcerers occupy in this world and what is their role to play when non-sorcerers get involved.

This is part of my "Jujutsu Partners Canon Divergence AU". There is currently a sequence of short stories and random drabbles for a fic I'll eventually write (eventually). To see the ever-growing list of one-shots, please visit my masterlist :)  The "Right, wrong and the in-between" will be a 4 (maybe 3) part short-story set in this AU. This is the first part, I hope you enjoy! The tags below will be applicable to every chapter.

Tags: oc/f!reader, soft/implied Higuruma x reader, soft/implied Nanami x reader, slow burn, mentions of violence and non-con/abuse among side characters, canon typical violence, some angst, some fluff, just characters being themselves driving the plot (and me) insane. Some philosophical debate will be in place.

WC: 1.7k

"Well, this looks like a one-man job." Higuruma said, with his small gavel resting lazily on the side of his forehead. You were both seated at the backseat of a Jujutsu Tech's car, and Ijichi was driving.

"Oh, it sure is," you replied, "but you can't be going on solo missions until further notice. So you're stuck with me for the time being."

"Oh, no. I'm definitely not complaining of 'being stuck' with you." He replied, looking at you. "I just think that there's probably a better way of using such scarce resources, like jujutsu sorcerers. This parole should've been over already, that's my point. I already commited myself with atoning for my crimes and fight alongside Jujutsu High."

"Higuruma, it could be worse. You could've been executed." You said, as you put the side of your forehead on the car's window and closed your eyes. "The higher ups are awful like that, I know it firsthand. I just hope they'll all die or go to hell soon enough."

That caught his attention, and made a small bead of sweat appear in Ijichi's temple as he looked at you through the rearview mirror. "You have told me to have your issues with them, but never clarified what they were. I mean, you don't strike me as the type to do something that would render you at risk of getting a death sentence, or anything of the sort." Higuruma pondered, now curious. "So how would you know?"

"Oh, how would you know that about me, now? We've been working together for only three weeks, smart-ass" you said as you looked at him, scoffed and smiled. "If you behave today and I don't get bedridden for whatever reason, maybe I'll tell you over some drinks at HQ, since you're still on a leash. I will get us some beer, and we'll bash on the established power right under their roof. How's that sound?"

He smiled. "Fine. We have a deal. But I get pretty argumentative when I drink, just a heads-up."

You chuckled. "Wouldn't expect any less from you." Even if you were working alongside Higuruma for a short amount of time, you actually appreciated the guy's company — when he wasn't being a risky maniac on the battlefield —, and could totally get behind his disdain for Jujutsu High. You felt that way about them yourself, and with good reason.

After the bantering, you started to mentally go over the mission you were both assigned. 

Many women were going missing in an area of Shinjuku, Tokyo's red-light district, for the past few weeks. It wouldn't be something to be dealt by Jujutsu High if it weren't for the cursed energy traces left around the places these women were going missing from. The disappearances were undoubtedly due to cursed activity, so Higuruma and you were sent out to investigate.

"Ijichi, is there any indication this could be due to a curse user?" You asked.

"No, Ms. Why do you ask?"

You went over some pictures they had sent to you on your phone. "There is no blood, guts, or anything like that in any of these places. I mean, curses are often related to disappearances, sure, but it's not a very curse-like behavior to kidnap people in so many different places through such a large area."

"So a curse user with criminal intent is the most likely scenario?" Higuruma completed.

"Yes. It would make more sense. And considering the area of Kabukicho, it's possible these women..." Your stomach turned on itself before you could finish your sentence. You were all silent at that moment, for you all knew what that meant.

Higuruma sighed. "Yes, it makes sense."

"Oh. Hey, Ijichi, what is Nanami up to? Haven't seen him in some days." You asked. Since getting promoted to a Grade 1 sorcerer, you stopped going on missions with Nanami and were mostly taking on tasks alone until you were assigned to shepherd Higuruma. 

"He's actually working on another mission around Shinjuku too." Ijichi replied.

"Oh, he is?" The excitement in your voice was clear as day, as you said that with a smile. Higuruma looked at you seemingly a little dissatisfied, but said nothing.

"Yes. But he's on the opposite side of Shinjuku, currently."

"Oh." You deflated a little. "Well, drink night with the sorcerers is almost up the corner. See you both there, Ijichi."

He smiled as his face blushed slightly. "See you there."

You looked at Higuruma. "And I hope you're liberated from your leash soon enough, so you can join us too. I'd be happy to see you there."

He was a little surprised as he looked back at you. "Oh. Okay." Was all he managed to answer.

After 6 minutes, you arrived at your destination. The street was covered with signage and neon lights over the buildings, which were all crammed together, in a tight and claustrophobic pack. Since it was still afternoon, there was not much effervescence, given that this part of Shinjuku would become more lively during nighttime.

"Ijichi, we will go looking around to see if we find anything. When we do, I'll cast a veil myself, okay? Wait for us here." You told him, as you and Higuruma started to make your way down the street.

"So, we're looking for cursed energy traces that could lead us to our culprit?" Higuruma asked you.

"Precisely. Be it a curse or curse user, this was sloppy as hell. They left remains in every scene." You replied. "Shouldn't be so hard to track them down."

"Fine, then. Let's get this over with."

***

After some walking around, you both stood in the front of a building that seemed to have some cursed energy traces over the door. They were very faint, but were definitely there. The club was closed, and would only open after 6PM. 

"Well, do you want to look around while we wait for it?" You asked Higuruma.

"Anything to be out of headquarters. I thought I knew what being arrested felt like, but it's so much worse than I thought. Not having the freedom to come and go to places... It's dreadful." He replied, his body trembling unconsciously.

"Oh, really?" You said. "I thought you’d be used to that. I mean… You were a criminal defense lawyer."

He sighed. "Yes. But then I wasn't. It's a matter of will, you see, fighting a broken system from within." He put his gavel away, deducing you both wouldn't be facing any harm anytime soon. "There is no way to win a game when you're bound by the constraints of the game's unfair rules."

"Was breaking free worth it?" You asked.

***

When you were assigned Higuruma's case, to hunt him down, you were briefed on his situation. A curse user that was a lawyer and had awoken his abilities right after a trial, killing the prosecutor and the judge in the process. After that, he basically remained hidden for a few weeks before Jujutsu High located him. He expanded his domain on you and confiscated your cursed technique, but as you both started brawling, a curse attacked, lured in by the cursed energy you were both emanating. In a split second, you told Higuruma to run, and that you would face the grade 1 curse alone. You just felt, right then, that this man wasn't deserving of death. He had killed two people, of course, but nobody actually knew why that happened or even bothered to investigate it adequately. You wanted to hear what he had to say about it.

"You have no cursed technique anymore!" Higuruma shouted.

"Just fucking go! Run! I'll handle this!" You answered, charging to punch the curse with cursed energy. It had multiple arms, like a spider, and it took only one swing to send you all the way across the place, having you hit concrete and spit blood.

Shit. Higuruma felt it would be unfair to let you tackle this by yourself, with no cursed technique, after he was the one who removed it from you. He'd be indirectly responsible for your death, and this was completely different from fighting you and defeating you himself. This miniscule spark of morals coming back to him felt... Strange.

He took his gavel and proceeded to exorcize the curse as you watched mesmerized at how well this guy could fight in a such short amount of time. You texted Gojo asking for help without Higuruma noticing, because in that state, you wouldn't be much use defeating this man. After Higuruma was done, before he could leave, Gojo appeared, and you shouted for him not to kill the guy. Gojo knocked him out rather quickly, and you proceeded to explain everything that had happened, while also requesting his assistance to suspend Higuruma's sentence.

"He's strong. He exorcized this grade 1 curse without my help, and he awakened his abilities a week ago or so." You said. "I think this guy has potential. I talked to him, and he seems... misguided."

Gojo pondered for a moment with Higuruma over his shoulder. "Are you sure? I mean, he's the one that put you in this situation in the first place."

"I'm sure." You said. "Gojo, you saved me from the claws of the higher ups. They're arbitrary bigots, you know that. Please, trust me. Take this as a request from a friend." You felt indebted for that man, guilty or not, had just saved your life.

Gojo sighed and smiled at you, giving you a thumbs up. "I'll do my best. But you'll owe me another bag of kikufuku."

You smiled back at him. "Of course."

***

"I don't know." He answered earnestly, looking at you. "I'm still deciding while I atone for my crimes. After all, I left one broken system and ended up entangled in another. People seem to be terrible wherever I go."

You laughed. "Well, that's for sure."

"Aren't you going to try to dissuade me from that stance?" Higuruma asked. "That people are terrible?"

You scoffed. "Me? Hell no. We're a duo of cynical people. Can't promise to give you back any sense of ideal or anything of the sort. You'll have to find it for yourself."

He smiled at you. "You think of yourself in a curious way. I wouldn't say you're cynical." He replied.

"Oh, really? What am I, then?" You retorted.

At that moment, you heard two voices in the street around the corner. They were indistinguishable, but sounded female. You both approached quietly, and saw a woman in her late fifties, wearing a velvety crimson robe, guiding a lady — who must've been no more than over twenty-years-old — inside the building through a back door.

"Well, that was suspicious. That woman looked like a pimp" you said.

"You're someone that sees things for what they are" he concluded.

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 01.23.2024

Me, Oct 24, 2023:

This is the sort of thinking that leads to 100k fanfic. I will try to come up with things to fill the space and then I will have too much stuff. That's just how it is, I guess. Wouldn't it be nice if this could just be, like, 60k, and I could be almost done?

Me, Nov 28, 2023:

I think that once I figure this out it will either be a clear path from now to the end and probably be like 8 or 9 chapters + an epilogue OR it will spiral wildly out of control, some other fucking subplot will sneak in, and it will go 12+ chapters and I will cry a lot.

Me, Jan 9, 2024:

Either that, or I'll just keep writing chapters, like Zeno's fanfic. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen. I will die.

Me, today:

Fuck.

So the good news is that I have finally finished the scene that I have been wrestling with since early December. It's two scenes now, because I wanted to swap narrators halfway thru, but it's really the same scene.

The less good news is that this came out 🎵8721 words🎵 and I still have three more scenes budgeted for this chapter in the outline. I mean, on one hand, at least I produced a significant amount of something for as long as that took. On the other hand, I feel like this dumb thing is now growing faster than I can write it. I've only made it up to roughly 11am on Saturday (the fanfic ends early Monday morning). Maybe it's not as bad as I think. I still haven't decided if Chapter 7 is just going to be super long, or if I am going to bump the other three scenes to the next chapter. I am putting that decision off until I actually write them and probably also most of Chapter 8. Mostly, I am just hoping I don't to add another chapter to the outline (I strongly suspect I am going to have to add another chapter--#11-- to the outline).

None of this will matter when it's done! I don't actually care how long the thing comes out (that's your problem, reader, I simply love big numbers). It's just that I want to be done, and the longer this gets, the further away that feels.

I haven't done a top level word count in a while because I've been working in messy temp documents, but I finally pasted my new scenes back into the main doc. Part B currently stands at 27,724, for a running total of 64,597, which makes it my fifth longest fanfic at roughly 2/3 done. There's kind of a ways to go before it overtakes Between Tides, but I think it might just happen.

Gosh, y'know, it's honestly kind of surprising I got as much writing done this week as I did, considering my kids were home nearly the whole week between snow days and a planned asynchronous day. Am I back on my groove? I sure fucking hope so.

I kept up with my drawing reasonably well, too--it was baked goods week. I did one tutorial, two one-day scribbles, and I drew last week's cake in the style of a GBBO illustration, which took me 3 days, but I'm really happy with the way it came out (so, 6 out of 7 days, I guess). I have another fanart (or possibly two) that I'd like to do in time for Byakuya's birthday, so that's probably what I will focus on this week.

[pbandjesse]

It was a mostly productive day. I did almost everything I was hoping to do. I accomplished almost all the things. It was a pretty nice day overall.

I slept fine. I had stress dreams and I woke up a bunch but I didn't feel to bad when I woke up. I wouldn't get out of bed for a while. But I wasn't really in a rush to do anything so it was fine.

When I did get up I took a quick shower and got dressed. I used dry shampoo because I want to wash my hair tomorrow morning before the event I'm working. I felt pretty cute though and was in a pretty good mood.

James left me breakfast. And I ate that at the kitchen island while I wrote up a little list of things I wanted to pick up today.

My plan was to go to Joann's, then home deport, then the thrift store. I would probably get lunch while I was out.

And I stuck pretty well to the list. I would leave the house after putting Ruby the Roomba upstairs. I was annoyed with myself when I was a few minutes away from home and realized I forgot the wallpaper sample I was trying to color match. But I decided it would be fine and it was I was just annoyed with myself.

I got to Joann's first. I wanted to get yarn to continue on my puff quilt. I thought I got the correct maroon but it ended up being more purple when I got home. Annoying but whatever. I did get grey and some multi grey that will be nice for my next project. I was also there for thread but for some reason there was only one single spool of the quilting thread I like, and barely any black thread at all??? I would get 3 black and 3 white. It was bizarre though.

When I was waiting in line a woman came back in to explain to the manager that she bought something for $6.25. Paid with a $10. But got $6.25 back in change. Oops! It was very honest of her to come back and get it fixed though.

I paid for my stuff and headed out of there. And went over to Home Depot. Which was less productive and that was a little frustrating but is fine. I was able to color match pretty well based off of a picture on my phone. But their Internet was down so they couldn't mix paint?? The whole system was down. Ah well. I'll try the other Home Depot closer to us later this week I guess.

I did get caulk for our bathtub and got a really good deal on batteries. So it wasn't the worst stop.

I went to savers next. I would find a different type of pregnancy pillow that I'm excited to try. And I got the exact same UGG brand moccasins I have been wearing so it was exciting to have a backup pair. Basically brand new and only $7. I would also pick up a couple dresses I can wear for events at the museum. I wanted stuff with sleeves. It was a good haul and I felt good about my choices.

I had a nice time walking around the store but it was weirdly busy. I didn't linger. Instead I left there and went to get lunch at Burger King, which is in the same parking lot.

I got my veggie burger and watched TikToks and half people watched. Seems a lot of truck drivers stop at this Burger King.

I decided to make one more stop at the sort of terrible goodwill. It continued to be terrible but I did get a caulk gun thing. I already have one but it is nice to have a backup. Since I was already going to be recaulking this week so it was on my mind.

I went home after that. I was sort of tired but mostly I just wanted to be in our house.

When I got back here I brought almost everything inside. Tried on my dresses. And started working on some more grey squares for my puff quilt. I got one down before I took a break to go and move the car (to be right in front of our house) so I could organize the car and finish bringing things inside.

It was chilly out today. It is actually feeling like fall. Which is very nice. And it inspired me to go through my closet and put some warmer weather options away and make space to hang some sweaters and sweatshirts up.

I spent an hour or so working on that but I felt to overwhelmed to fold the clothes I wanted to put away so it's just a pile again which makes me upset but it will get done eventually.

I would work on cleaning the fish tank. Nothing is in there except for snails, or at least that's what I thought. I have been thinking about getting a beta again. I don't think my heart can take losing more frogs so I am going to take a break on them after the last couple deaths.

But when I was taking out the decor my loach, kittykitty, wormed out and was going all over the place s d I was so excited! I am so happy to know he's still in there even if I don't see him much, for literally months.

I spent a good amount of time cleaning that though. I rearranged the decor and took a few things out that had a ton of snail eggs. I put those in the dishwasher to try and eradicate those. I will probably vacuum the rocks a few more times but for now it's settling and looking good.

I would also dig Crabcake up. I worry about him so much. I woke up him a wrapped him in a dishtowel and tried to get him to sleep in his metal cup so I could at least see him. But that would only last a few hours. Soon he was going back to his hole and burying himself again. Celia says I need to just let him do it and trust that he is alright. It is just so hard!! I just worry about him so much.

James would get home while I was painting on the ceiling again. They had stopped at the grocery store and go more spring rolls. And would make me two of those for dinner. They would also bring one of the ladder up for me so I could paint outlines on my ceiling flower. It is nice to see the whole thing keep growing. It building up and layering nicely.

James was baking the bread they made yesterday. And would spend a while in there. I would head upstairs and they brought me the spring rolls and they were great.

I would hang out in our room for a long time. James would periodically come and see me. And while their second loof was baking they came and held me and helped push on my lower back that was hurting so much. Thankfully my back hasn't been to bad but sometimes it is just so sharply painful. It sucks and it doesn't seem like there is anything I can do to help it.

While I was hanging out today we found out that My Chemical Romance is going on tour. And me and Jess are going to try and go to the Philly show. I am really anxious about trying to get tickets, and just the Ticketmaster system with dynamic pricing. We have a budget though and I am really hoping we can get them. Even if I am very stressed thinking about it. They go on sale Friday morning, so I have an alarm set so I'll be ready.

Eventually I would take a quick shower. And me and James are hanging out in bed. I am not feeling amazing right now but I am trying to just be comfortable and hopefully I can sleep easy.

Im working an event tomorrow. So I am planning on a quiet morning. I hope it's a fun event though and that everyone is nice. I hope you all have a great night. Be safe. I love you all. Goodnight

[bleachbleachbleach]

9/6 - 9/10/2023

I think my biggest accomplishment this week is definitely regrowing a decent bit of skin on my leg, and in addition to my "omg just write fanfic do not clean the kitchen it's dangerous out there" lesson I mentioned last week, I've now also learned a lot about burn care! Or not the care itself, but burn progression, and what those stages look and feel like. Also learned that Reddit won't let you view "mature content" (burn images) on your phone unless it's through the Reddit app, which is very annoying. I'm never gonna download the Reddit app. Anyway, new skin is thrilling! And while my September plans were supposed to be "work out more," the burn care thing has sort of tabled that for a bit, which has let me commit more to "omg just write fanfic" September.

I spent most of this week working on scenes that do not feel that great. Reasons for this:

My attempts to describe setting and/or stage business keep coming out in the most arcanely described and/or overwritten (or maybe underwritten?? who knows) ways. Why.

It just feels like there's a lot of Things, and why are there so many things. Like *butterfly meme* is this worldbuilding or is this an episode of Hoarders

But by the time I got to the stuff I was writing on Saturday and this morning, *I* at least feel like some of the threads are coming together. I spent a lot of Thursday feeling despair of the "but who's going to read that far" variety, but part of me is also like, well, it's fairly likely no one's going to read this either way, so maybe the concern should be proportional to that.

Right now, I'm about 1000 words into a Renji-Akon conversation that's had all the middle bits written for like, a year and a half. The middle bits were all jokes, lol, but I'm currently feeling pretty excited by the Themes and Motifs that are coming out of the full version of the scene. It's been really interesting learning about how their POVs about the Gotei and their co-workers and the NATURE OF LIFE AND DEATH mesh, or don't. I always think it's interesting thinking about like, people who've worked together(ish) for decades, and what about each other is knowable and old hat--except you're co-workers, not exactly friends, so your dataset of what's very known vs. what you know absolutely nothing about is super skewed.

To finish the chapter, I have the end of the Renji-Akon conversation to write; the end of the subsequent scene to write, which will probably be more involved than it seems because it's kinda-sorta a fight scene; and then revisions to the chapter tag, which I think will mostly be about trying to make this chapter seem less like a grab bag of things that happen to happen in sequence and more like there's some kind of narrative throughline.

I want to say I can finish the chapter by the end of the week, but unfortunately I'm out of town Thurs-Sun for a ~strategy retreat~ and am feeling very upset about having to drive myself to the airport (hell itself) at 2:30AM on Wednesday night, so I'll probably spend most of the first half of the week trying to keep all my shit together and then a lot of next week trying to get everything back together.

I'm going to boldly aim to finish this chapter, my Part 1 read-through, and Chapter 7 (to finish out Part 1) by the end of September! Which was my previously-stated goal for the end of August, lol.

Part 2 starts with Kira's chapter, which I think is the only chapter I've written absolutely none of, and which I have the least notes for (and all of those notes are about Hinamori, not Kira), but Renji and Akon just talked a lot about Kira, and I'm pretty excited for that horizon once I get there!

[captain-aralias]

My Year in Review (but i cut the giant gif)

summary is - my top posts this year are recs, discord links .... and a pregnancy announcement!

I posted 1,105 times in 2022

165 posts created (15%)

940 posts reblogged (85%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@facewithoutheart

@cutestkilla

@artsyunderstudy

@letraspal

@forabeatofadrum

I tagged 908 of my posts in 2022

Only 18% of my posts had no tags

#carry on - 700 posts

#carry on fanart - 277 posts

#fic rec - 235 posts

#my content - 177 posts

#unintended - 38 posts

#snowbaz - 36 posts

#restoration ecology - 31 posts

#simon snow series - 22 posts

#doctor who - 16 posts

#sort of - 10 posts

Longest Tag: 129 characters

#the ones i'm disappointed with didn't quite sell the premise or i had to write them too hurriedly or forgot to bring something in

I sent 3 gifts in 2022

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

life update

i'm 14-weeks pregnant 🎉

due date: 30th may

bit more info below the cut

i thought about making a lulzy WIP wednesday post (aka, "here is what i'm working on") along these lines a few times, but i didn't want to tag anyone into personal stuff they didn't necessarily want, and also i thought i miscarried almost immediately and that started me down a spiral of anxiety, so now it's not so funny. but anyway - i thought today would be a good day to tell people, since we're out the first trimester.

how:

IVF - worked first time

my partner's egg

donor sperm - man it's weird buying sperm, particularly from america, although i only browsed. i bought from the UK. i do know men i could have asked, but in the end i thought... i dont know anyone well enough i'd want to have a child with them. at all.

happy to answer questions about any of the above, if you're interested. thinking of writing a blog about it in my work persona.

how am i?

fine apart from the anxiety!

my main symptoms have been exhaustion, leading to very little writing, and some nausea but pretty weaksauce compared to some

i've told most people at work, which is a very supportive environment, so all good.

my partner's therapist said (to her) not to make big life decisions so soon after the death of my mum/her dad on the same day about a year ago, but we are both in our mid thirties and at our most financially viable, so - hopefully it's fine.

how is baby?

probably ok! we've seen them on several scans, definitely have two arms, two legs, brain, etc

still haven't managed to do the test that tells you the likiehood of Downs etc, though, as the baby has refused to move into a position where they could get a good measurement. we may know towards the end of december - so that is making me More Anxious, but it's still fine

why am i putting this on the internet?

a few reasons.

firstly - i would've told livejournal. the same thing happened when my mum died - i wanted to tell the online community i'm part of, the same way i've told friends and people from work.

but also - because i've been saying i've been tired and that i'm not writing on here, and i wanted everyone to know... this is why. i'm not sick! i'm just pregnant.

AND ... i don't know what the next six months, and then the next.......... twenty years will be like. i'm hoping to write a few more Carry On things before the baby arrives, assuming the second trimester is less tiring (which seems likely so far), but who knows? and probably less after that. BUT WHO KNOWS.

my partner is also a fandom person. i have nine(ish) months of maternity leave (thanks, britain!) and she'll be around for most of that too, thanks to working from home. so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe i'll be writing a bunch of extremely realistic babyfics or something. probably not, but you never know.

anyway!

that's the news.

it may all still go wrong, obviously. we haven't done all the tests, still six months to go.

i'll update with these same tags, if we lose the baby for whatever reason, and i'll update if we don't!

98 notes - Posted December 4, 2022

#4

Some 'Carry On' Recommendations for your Tuesday

here's some things i've been reading recently that i think other people should read too! thanks for tagging me @messofthejess!

N.B. this list is super long and also only scratching the surface... i should rec more often, anyway - if you see this, please read some of the things as you will really like them, and give the authors some love!

Teen or under

The Plum Tree by @otherpeoplesheartachept-2, under 1k

baz and malcolm talk (without exactly talking) about how baz is a vampire. great characterisation, really nice contained and different piece.

Eight Times Simon Couldn’t Stop Himself by knightinbrightfeathers, RainyForecast, steadfastasthouart (steadfastest) - 12k

just realised this has three authors! really brilliant fic, fangirl-era - but super worth reading, as long as you're ok with simon being smart, and also knowing he's into boys before he kisses baz. (why wouldn't you be?). this is all about simon and baz pranking each other/being generally awful, until they aren't - you see their relationship changing and simon gradually realising what he feels about baz, then there's a telepathy scene! this was recced recently in the discord* so probably lots of people have now read it, but it's seriously good!

Golden Boy by @spockzilla, 9k

magickal mishap, simon turns everything to gold by mistake! this author (also responsible for the fic where simon turns into a frog) is really good at making the silliest things sexy, and sexy things silly - which is a good thing.

end to begin by @tea-brigade, 4k

canon AU, simon and baz are exes, but simon needs baz's help..... really lovely, unusual, interesting and moving fic! i really like how it uses this inciting incident to let baz be kind (that's for me, the most important thing about them being together) and encourage the two of them to have the conversation they should have had a long time ago. works so well.

Trapped by @you-remind-me-of-the-babe based on art by taken_aback_by_Tuesdays,

penny/shepard get together, no snowbaz involved! this fic is criminally unread, because ... it's not snowbaz, but it is BRILLIANT. amazing penny and shepard characterisation, and it's so fun to see them get together a different way... that also involves her saving him.

Explicit

This Will All Go Down In Flames by @facewithoutheart with art by @tea-brigade, 11/17 chapters, 40k, WIP (no sex yet, RIP)

obsessed with this fic right now! band AU where simon and baz briefly bacame friends at school, then became incredibly successful musicians before the band broke up... because simon and baz couldn't communicate about how they fancied each other. it's great! fun, funny, social media stuff, a malcolm trying to be down with the kids, texas references, shepard being a reporter - highly recommend.

Crosse My Heart by @creepyspice with art by @cutestkilla, 5k, brobelove not snowbaz

omg, this fic is so good. seriously - even if you dont think you're into brobelove, you should read this, as i dont believe you could like snowbaz if you don't like the competitive snarky action this fic has in spades, but also if you like brobelove, my god you should read this! such amazing characterisation and super sexy.

Here in the Dark by @artsyunderstudy, 5k

love this middle of the night sex - i'm repeating my comment here, but the whole mood is perfect: confused and dreamlike, you're locked out of baz's POV, entirely in simon's and it works so well for the mood. plus, it's sexy AND there's amazing art to go with it.

Two Heads Are Better Than One by @skeedelvee, 22k

omg, i am obsessed with this fic. it's so deeply strange (simon and baz share the same body, due to - magickal mishap!) AND SO AMAZING AND SEXY. and also romantic and fun. proper enemies to to friends to lovers action, a fantastic scene where simon and baz watch baz's vanilla porn, a bit where they defeat a unicorn together, sex as one person, sex as two people - it's got it all.

*if you're not in this discord, but you'd like to be, this is the link to get in: https://discord.gg/FJ8meVhr

that's enough - i've got more i should rec, but i'll do another post later.

101 notes - Posted August 16, 2022

#3

Thought it was time to bring this back. 

Discord is a chat room. This is a chat room about Carry On, etc.

Not the only one, but one of the biggest (there are 200+ members). The Discord has:

a strong, active moderator team, who make sure this is a safe space (not me, I’m just a helper)

adult-only areas, and a policy that NSFW stuff is not shared outside of these spaces

places to talk about and share fic, art, meta, fan theories, memes, etc

virtual outings, like fic readings

custom emojis

It’s very nice.

This link will get you in: https://discord.gg/8yZvQK7k 

(it expires in 7 days, so 6th May 2022, but feel free to message me if you see this post and the link’s expired)

You will have to introduce yourself before you’re given access to the server proper, although you don’t have to talk after that, if you don’t want to. You can just quietly vibe. Alternately, you can talk a lot and that’s fine too!

You will also have to sign up to the code of conduct.

If you have trouble getting in/speaking once you’re in, it could be because you haven’t verified your Discord account. There’s a clear prompt on desktop, but not on mobile.

I can confirm I checked with the mod team before making this post. It’s kosher.

Please share this post, if you want to.

108 notes - Posted April 30, 2022

#2

AU - Canon Divergence Recs

i couldn't think of a good title for this, but basically there have been a few fics recently where i thought: not only is this a great fic, but also this is something i think we could see more in other fics.

basically, they all do a thing that is a good tool to make new fics with. and they're all good fun. here we go:

Eighth Year AU but with Mage-mission

Shiver (rated E) by @facewithoutheart and, yeah, ok me - but not really

for me, an eighth year fic should be about baz being gone/the coffin, magic sharing (with simon and baz much more likely, therefore to be interested in each other quicker), or the plot events of carry on - this one does that. BUT ALSO the plot is driven by simon going on a quest for the mage, which is a classic seventh year trope. cool! (and not my idea)

Post Watford Get Together with Magickal Mishap

Come As You Are (rated E) by @facewithoutheart who sponsored this video

how genius is this? they've left watford, so they've both moved on but magickal mishap happens to simon and that's the plot instigator. simple, but genius.

Genuine new past for Simon and Baz, makes them the same but different

I Know What You Are (rated T) by @martsonmars

ok, other fics have done this too, but i really like this fic and i think the way it does this thing is perfect. simon's grown up with the mage and lucy as his parents; baz has been raised by natasha and malcolm. as a result, when we meet them in eighth year they have completely different histories. it's not only the way they interact with each other that's different, they're both much more confident, have different friends. they really are different people, but the same.

Carry On universe but no Watford

Pretty in Pink (rated T) by @arca9

i was re-reading this one (fake dating heist, love it!) the other day and thinking - this is pretty unique! baz and simon work for the coven, but only just met each other when they became partners, there's no watford. but they use the magic system - it's just a really fun view on what's necessary for your AU to work.

112 notes - Posted June 28, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Top 10 SnowBaz fics

I was talking earlier about how 'What's Left' is one of my top 10, which it is. obviously that made me think.... what are the rest?

i think it's probably instinctively these, these ones that influence me the most/that i've re-read the most/that i most wish i could have written, although i had to delete some real favs to get down to 10, and limited myself to one fic per author. and excluded 'your bloodied mouth' as it ain't finished, but kept 'northern downpour' as i believe it will be.

almost all canon divergence, most have plot and sex.

5 Times They Half-Arsed It by @krisrix

Bound and Determined by @fatalfangirl

Golden Years by @basic-banshee

keep on keeping on by waveydnp

In A Bind by @im-gettingby

Northern Downpour by @scone-lover

Remember the Magic by @sharkmartini

There'll Be Peace When You Are Done by somekindofpath

What's Left by @cutestkilla

When the Bells Ring by @phoxphyre

360 notes - Posted July 1, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

It's been a while since I've done a Chortle headlines roundup. I used to do them more regularly, then I did a couple in a row where it was heavy on the post-documentary Russell Brand headlines, and that was so depressing that I cut them out for a while. Let's do a new one. I'll make this one shorter.

Oh for the love of God, Chortle. Please do not make me look at weeks of Ricky Gervais headlines in the leadup to/aftermath of the video release of Armageddon. He could not possibly need the publicity less, for so many reasons. Obviously you shouldn't be a cunt. Everyone who's going to think that already thinks it, everyone else isn't going to change, don't make us fucking read about it.

This looks like a headline that would appear on some sort of parody show. You know, if the BBC hadn't cancelled all its news/topical parody shows in the name of the exact balance mandate that I assume is the subject of that article, though I don't actually know, I'm not clicking on that.

You are doing New Year's Treat wrong, guys. It's supposed to be on New Year's and it's also supposed to have people who are famous (sorry, I'm sure it'll be fun and the people they've cast will be fine, I'm just still mildly annoyed that this year was their one chance to cast John Oliver while he was striking, the stars aligned with him having recently worked with Alex on the Horne Section show, it's gone forever now).

If anyone has the opportunity to see Pierre Novellie's Why Are You Laughing when he tours it next year, I cannot recommend it highly enough. I'm now wishing I had recommended other things less highly in the past, so I could lend more weight to this one. It's amazingly funny, and amazingly well written. It should... I mean, I was thinking it should be a strong contender for the best show (of Edinburgh 2023) award until I heard Ahir Shah's show, and I do now think they made the right choice in giving it to Ahir Shah. But it was the second best Edinburgh 2023 show, of the 40-ish I've heard. It should at least have been nominated.

Can I say something mildly sacrilegious? I'm not sure about this. I am obviously a devotee of Sam Campbell, and my view of Lucy Beaumont has wavered slightly as I've come to realize just how much she's maybe not kidding most of the time, but I do find her very funny. I just think... the proverbial straight man in a comedy group exists for a reason, you know? I don't know how well it'll work to put those two together without someone else to balance it out, they won't have anything to play off. It feels a bit too heavy on Avalan throwing together two fan favoruites from a popular TV show, more than thinking about what pairings would actually work well together. Especially since there doesn't seem to be a planned format or anything. I also don't really think they're as similar as people have suggested.

Having said that, obviously I'm going to listen to this, and I can absolutely picture a scenario in which I finish the first episode and write a glowing post about how I've been proven wildly wrong and concede that I should never have doubted their brilliance. I hope it happens that way.

I know I'm mildly annoyed at him right now, but this show is very good and people should see it if they can. One of my favourite things out of all he's ever done. He did a little preview of bits he's added to it on the latest Bugle episode, and I enjoyed that a lot.

Oh fuck off. No, come on, fuck off. You are not going to force me to engage with whatever the fuck VR is by having Mae Martin do it. It won't work.

...Having said that, is there a way to take a VR set and turn it into nice normal 2D video so I can watch the Mae Martin set? I have no idea if that's possible and I refuse to Google it, no one needs to encourage Mark Zuckerburg. But obviously I want to see what Mae Martin's doing.

I quite enjoyed this little clip. I've never been to Scotland, but this is exactly how I imagine the Edinburgh Festival, I'm currently planning a probably-actually-for-real-this-time trip for Edinburgh 2024, and I will be wildly disappointed if the festival isn't exactly like this.

Weirdly, there was nothing on the Chortle front page about Benjamin Zephaniah dying. He wasn't a comedian or anything, but he had connections to British comedy. I can't lie and say I was incredibly familiar with his work, but I really liked the poems of his that I'd heard and read (I did seek a few out and read them after seeing him on TV, as I quite liked him), and thought he came across very well every time I saw or heard him. And, obviously, 65 is too young and that would be a tragedy even if he weren't a very talented poet.

[eleanorfenyxwrites]

WIP Wednesday

I'm taking a bit of a break from Polyship week (I'd still like to write today's prompt 'soulmates' but I'll probably try to post it on the free day instead since I don't have a single word written for it) but it's still Wednesday, so I've got a little something! I don't know when I'll actually sit down to work on it next, but I have a bit of the next chapter of Technically A Cutsleeve started, so here's that. We're switching back to Mo Xuanyu's POV after having Jingyi's for a bit.

--//--

Cloud Recesses is precisely as Mo Xuanyu remembers it. He hasn’t stepped foot in Gusu in years, not since a discussion conference years ago when Mianmian was too sick to come and Zixuan had needed an advisor. But he can say with confidence that very very little has changed for the Lan seat of power since then.

They’re welcomed with all the proper pomp and circumstance befitting a visiting Sect Leader and his entourage, the occasion so unlike when any of their family — yes, even the Lan family — comes to visit them in Jinlintai. Meng Yao is at least there to join Qingheng-Jun in welcoming them, and he’s the one who shows them to their guest quarters rather than the high-ranking disciples who flank their Sect Leader for the welcome. It’s all very…stuffy. Very Lan, even the part when Meng Yao takes over, guides them away, and lets his father-in-law greet the next retinue. He’s even wearing Lan blue as he does for most special occasions, though Mo Xuanyu will allow he at least has small hints of Jin gold and Nie silver or green dispersed tastefully through trimmings or jewelry (and of course his vermillion mark sits squarely between his unmistakably Jin brows). He seems to take this duty seriously, since he acts all proper and Lan just like everyone else, unlike when he comes to Jinlintai and actually relaxes for a minute. 

It’s been less than a shichen and Mo Xuanyu’s skin is starting to crawl with the desire to stop all this stoic nonsense and act like they’re actually a family, damn it.

“You didn’t have to accompany me, Yu-didi,” Zixuan reminds him — gently, for him — once they’re safely ensconced in Zixuan’s quarters and Mo Xuanyu is free to pace back and forth with voluminous swishes of perfumed silk. “Why the sudden interest in discussion conferences anyway? You haven’t been to one outside of Jinlintai in ages.”

“Just felt like a change of scenery and you were already coming here anyway,” Mo Xuanyu shrugs, the lie smooth and easy in a way his oldest brother will never be able to accomplish (and that his second brother taught him how to do). “Besides, I need to annoy Uncle Lan, Xichen-gege said he’s working himself too hard again lately.”

Lan Xichen has, in fact, told him no such thing, but if there is anything Mo Xuanyu can rely on in this world it’s that Lan Qiren is perpetually in a state of overworking himself whilst reminding everyone else around him to properly balance their lives. Someone needs to cajole the old man into resting, and though Wei Wuxian is well placed to be that person he apparently doesn’t do it unless things get dire. Probably because he’s busy overworking himself too and is kind of shitty at recognizing it in anyone else. The longer Mo Xuanyu thinks about it, the more he’s able to almost convince himself that’s actually why he tagged along this time.

The true reason is, of course, a secret, one that literally no one but him knows. For his entire life, up until roughly two months ago, Mo Xuanyu has very loudly and very firmly declared that though he appreciates the male form, he has very little (or no) desire to appreciate it up close and personal — certainly not for any significant length of time. He’s considered it recently in an abstract sort of way, but nothing serious.

And then Lan Jingyi just had to tumble into Jinlintai and made a liar out of him. So rude! Though Mo Xuanyu had kept his distance as much as he could during the last week of the boys’ visit, it would’ve been ridiculously rude to ignore the boys when they’d gone out of their way to help him feel included, and considering the most vocal of the four of them in wanting him around had been Lan Jingyi…is it any wonder Mo Xuanyu had developed a crush?

[duhragonball]

The Punt Trick

I've been kind of inactive lately because I'm doing a writing project this month and I sort of fell behind on it. My morale was kind of low this past week, but I managed to turn things around this weekend by writing 5280 words, which is more than a quarter of the goal. Not too shabby, so I want to capture how I did it.

Historically, I've been able to write a lot more than 5k in a single day, but I can't do it consistently. It really depends on what I'm writing, and if it's something I already have laid out pretty well in my head, the words will flow. The problem I've been having in August 2023 is that my plot is well laid out, but I'm struggling to put down the words. I know what to do but I'm less clear on how to do it. So it's been slow going.

Basically, I made an hourly schedule for the rest of the month, detailing how many words I would write. I've tried stuff like that before, but the trick this time is that I made the wordcount assignments very small. I didn't think it would help very much, but it turned out to make a big difference.

For years, I would write numbers on a calendar, like "Oh, I'll write 2000 words on Tuesday, and then I'll do 2500 words on Thursday!" and then it'll be 11:48pm on Thursday and I'm 4000 words behind schedule for some reason.

I've tried making it more granular, but that would mean doing things like "At 6pm I'll write 1000 words, and then at 8pm I'll write another 1000 words! Easy!" But then it'll be 7:55pm and I won't have the first thousand done, which just demoralizes me further for the next thousand.

This time, I just decided "to hell with it" and assigned myself 500 words per hour. This turns out to be much more realistic. When I'm doing well, I can bang out 500 words in twenty minutes, but when I'm struggling (like this month), 500 words can take me... about an hour. Well, more like thirty minutes, which is great because if I procrasinate for half of the time alotted, I still have time to get the goal met.

And 500 is small enough that it's easy to overshoot. So chances are that I'll clear the goal with a little more than I needed, which makes the next hour easier to tackle, and so on.

And now that I've had this productive weekend, the schedule I've laid out for tomorrow will be even lighter. Monday I'm doing 250 words for each hour, which is probably too lax, but that just means I'll finish ahead of schedule. The important thing is that I'm not just vaguely declaring my intent to write 1500 words after I get home from work. Normally, I can do that pretty easily, but that confidence turns into procrastination, and I'll put it off until 10:30 at night, and then one thing leads to another and I blow it off completely. With this system, I have to start at 6pm, because it's not about getting 1500 by midnight, it's about getting 250 every hour for six hours.

This is something I really, really need to keep in mind for the future, because even when my writing goes well, I'll still run into spells where it doesn't, and this seems like an effective way to break the logjam. And it might also be handy for smaller projects, which I could break down into even smaller chunks, like 100 words, or even less.

I suppose what inspired me to try this was when I kept looking up at my word-counter and expecting to see some big numbers, and ending up with something dinky like "83" or "112". But with what I'm doing now, those are actually pretty good signs of progress. Chain a few of those together, and I can actually get somewhere.

I'm not sure if this would be helpful for others, but it definitely seems to be working for me, so if you're reading this and you find yourself stuck with your writing, give it a try.

[husbandograveyard]

What's up

Hiya all, a little update before I dive into creating a queue again of some sorts, and start planning and posting original stuff. So... I have been incredibly absent, I am fully aware of that, and I have had some time to reflect on the reasons why, in order to maybe be better about writing again.

warning, word vomit incoming, it's just a long text, but it does serve as a decent explanation for my silence and what y'all can expect. I'll put a TL;DR at the bottom.

When this blog started, almost 3 years ago, it was peak pandemic time in my country. I was lonely, bored, and I had just binged all 850+ episodes of One Piece in one go, and needed an outlet. I stumbled up on Tumblr in my fic searching progress and fell deep into the reader insert hole. I used to write fanfic in Dutch, but never got to writing and publishing in English and it seemed like a perfect time to do so, and NakuNakuNoMi the blog was born.

I could write insane amounts within a short amount of time, because I was still studying, and doing so from home allowed me enough time to write up to 3, sometimes even four or five pieces a day and publish them. The next year was similar: still studying, half-distance learning, and bored out of my mind at home.

Last year I got a job as a teacher and I moved out. Having my own space and a roommate that's a friend, as well as not having to deal with my family, allowed me to pick up a lot of my lost hobbies again. I am drawing (although I am not particularly good at it, crocheting, I got a keyboard very recently, most of my writing time is spent writing DnD things, I am reading and gaming a lot more...) I spend a lot of time at my hobbies, and I don't feel the need to be behind my laptop any more every evening.

On top of that, I know I am *only* a high school teacher, but the job does demand a lot from me, time-wise and emotionally, because I also just really want to do the best job I can. Which means that I do spend a lot of time on my laptop just working, leaving very little time for writing.

I was getting a little burnt-out on writing too, putting the bar way too high for myself and sometimes writing things I did not enjoy just because it would give me some more likes and reblogs. That, in combination for not really getting a lot of feedback even for requested things etc, made it very hard to keep motivated, while my other hobbies seemed that much more rewarding.

But I do miss writing, even though I cannot find a lot of time for it anymore. And I miss Tumblr, and the connections I made in these years, even though a lot of them are gone now, mainly due to my own hiatus stacking and anxiety about reaching out, feeling like I am annoying people by messaging them.

So I feel like I will be writing some more. I have one more week off, and I think I want to tackle some of my WIPS.

My system will stay the same: I do no more requests, but people are free to send in suggestions that I may or may not get to. I will not promise anything. Events will work with requests still, but I am not gonna do any events for a while still. The only one I foresee until september or so is an anniversary quickfire event. Other than that I want to finish my summer event next summer, and finish up some other things, finally post some of the multichaptered stories I have been working on in the background. I will probably be setting up a queue again, and if I find the confidence to do so, I will be posting some of my own OC art and fanart here as well? I am not completely out of that one just yet. It's really not that good haha.

Hope to see you all and make some connections again in this year <3 Love, Hazel

TL;DR

life and hobbies made me too busy to write

I still miss it

I will do another attempt at getting this going again, but hopefully with way less pressure and a very slow queue

Maybe post terrible fanart? If you'd be up for that

[ansicred]

BLOG CHECK-IN UPDATE!!

Right so, I've been doing a lot of posting since the last update and I think it's time to have another check-in post. First up: a periodical reminder for people to pay close attention to the ratings and warnings in my one-shots posts and their tags -- they're there for a reason and if you go into a one-shot thinking I won't be graphic or explicit about certain subjects (yes, including the ones that are sex-related), you'd be very wrong and I'm not going to wrap anyone in cotton wool about anything I write.

Second: as you'll no doubt have noticed, I've posted a new character whose name is Neil and he's my third Alan FC werewolf. His universe isn't something that I've necessarily put much thought into but I do wanna do some figuring out with him and post anything I do with him and his universe here -- this blog is a kind of weird writing-based sketchbook for me, after all. His universe is set in late 1969, hence his birthdate being in 1919, and due to the nature of the ideas for it in my head, and what Neil goes through, I'm giving any one-shots featuring him a baseline lowest rating of twelve (12) unless it's something really, really milquetoast and fluffy (eg: anything involving Neil and his youngest daughter, Christine). You can find him here.

Third: I do have plans to finish Jonah (WATD Verse)'s character sheet and he'll be up as soon as I've done that, as well as a one-shot featuring him and Nina I've had in my head for quite some time now (but I can't really write and post it without having first finished Jonah's sheet or I'll break my brain), so look out for those!

Fourth: I've started a newer version of a screenplay/TV script version of the Odd Foxes story that I plan to go into and work on on occasion so if I disappear off this blog for long strings of time, that's probably why. That said, I will continue to write Odd Foxes related one-shots and post them here because I love those silly fox bois and they're fun to write.

Fifth: Damaged Goods will have a slight direction shift, I've decided, wherein Felix and Azz interact more often and their individual stories become one. How I'll write that and in what format, I don't know yet but I'll still be doing one-shots for DG whenever I get the urge to do so.

Sixth: WATD I'm in the sketch-plan phase for a book/novel version of Bleddyn's story, so the one-shots will be more frequent as I figure out exactly what I'm doing with that idea and what sort of vibe I want/need for the book.

Seventh: I'll be making more OC graphics as well at some point, likely when I'm hit by inspiration. Plus, I'll have more mini lore dumps scattered about -- most likely Odd Foxes, WATD, and DG related, but I might also include MRC and Tide Down, depends on how I'm feeling.

Finally: My mam is going to Ireland for a few days next week, so I'll be babysitting my youngest sisters at her house while she's away. I'll be taking my laptop so I can do some one-shots & things, so I won't be away away, but I'll be far less frequent in posting compared to how I've been lately, especially when my sisters get home from school. In the meantime, like I say, I've got some stuff in the pipeline and they'll be up as and when I get to/finish them, so be on the look out!

For now though, you can leave me questions/comments/whathaveyou (including anonymously) in my inbox and I'll get back to you ASAP!

See you at the next update!! 🦊7

[typhin-hoofbun]

A Milestone

I kinda forgot Tumblr existed for a few weeks, so I forgot to post here to celebrate, but on January 16th, I hit a milestone. Two years of writing.

In that two years, I wrote over half a million words. In 73 chapters across three series. It's been a wild ride. My first story is still going, I haven't finished "Princess Tells Her Story" yet. (I probably will with Book 3, I can't think of anything I can really throw at the duo to challenge them after they've defeated a broken, insane god.)

I've had a pretty small following, but a loyal and supportive one, and I am eternally grateful for that. I can't wait to see where I'll be next year, or the year after that, or the year after that, and so on. ^_^

After Princess Book 3 is done, my next project is probably going to be rewriting Princess Book 1 to be better. It's a little bit of a mess, since each chapter, I didn't know if it would be the last thing I ever posted. So I tried to end it in a way that didn't leave active hanging threads, sort of a "We'll be okay" vibe, in case I couldn't continue. That made it very episodic in nature, since I didn't want to end on a cliffhanger, just in case. I also started a lot of threads that I never properly followed up on (looking at you, Brotherhood of Shadows) because I got distracted. I was very much winging it without any plan. Well, a little bit of a plan, there was quite a bit of "laying groundwork for things planned in Book 2" going on... ^_~ But still, I want to do it better, make it more cohesive, strip the "recap" bits, etc. Handle Princess's backstory better, too. Without properly planning it, it just sorta feels rough around the edges. But it'll be a while yet, I'm barely a third of the way through Book 3.

One of those readers sent me a gift for my anniversary. A box of oranges, from an orchard in Florida. They are absolutely delicious and wonderful and I love them. That reader is none other than my own mother, so of course she knows I love oranges. (You just can't get oranges that good elsewhere.) I just wanted to gush because I'm still giddy about it.

I do still kind of want to publish my work some day. It'd be nice to be able to bring in some extra income, but it'd also just be amazing to see my books on store shelves. To know someone is gonna wander those aisles like I did, look through all the covers, and a stack of paper printed with words is gonna be one filled with words I put together. Of course, anyone who picks up my stuff is probably gonna be doing the same thing I did: grabbing anything with a non-human protagonist on the cover, hoping desperately someone can put words to the feeling of "This human body is Not Me" so they feel less like they're going insane. Even if they aren't conscious of it, like I wasn't. While internet publishing like an e-book via Amazon lacks that feeling of awe, I might still do it anyway. (Would have to get together money to commission cover art, though. I'd love to get "Cover Art" stuff for each book anyway, even if I don't publish, because it'd be cool. ^_^ )

Really, I'm happy with anyone who enjoys my stuff, regardless of their reason. It's just the scenario I come up with in my head, Kid Me surrounded by endless books and trying to find one that lets me see someone else Being Different, and lets me feel it. ^_^;;

I should probably try to post on sites other than FurAffinity. I started to post to Royal Road, but I dunno, something about it just kinda grates on me, I guess. Don't know what. If people have suggestions for sites I should post to, I'd love to hear it. It's been a while since I posted a link to my stuff, so in case anyone reading this hasn't taken a look, here you go.

It's always interesting to see how some people will only follow one story, and some people will follow all three. Vayryn gets the most attention, people love yinglets. Princess gets almost as much as Vayryn, people love dragons but there's so many dragons that it's easy to get lost in the flood. Flopsy doesn't get much attention, she doesn't have people that go looking specifically for hoofbuns. I love writing all three, though. (In the latest Vayryn chapter, she attends a convention and runs into Valsalia himself. The real-life Valsalia said I did "a pretty spot-on impression", which I think is awesome. I tried to capture his friendly, approachable vibe, and I'm glad it came across. ^_^ )

Anyway, I'm going to end this here, because it's already insanely long. Love you all, I'm going to bed! (It's 5:19 AM now...)

[ellpimento]

Dec23

What I wanted to kvetch about was how pointless it is to get sick, and how freaking inconvenient it is to be laid out, incapacitated, there’s no reason to be forced to take a time out like this especially at this time of year when you can least afford it. This will be the second time I’ve gotten the vid and I had better not lose my sense of taste, or I’m going to be really really mad. There is nothing more frustrating and saddening than looking at food and not being able to smell or taste it. I'll deal with an extra day, heck, I'll be in pain all week long as long as it means I won't lose my taste buds for the next two months.

Yes, I love eating. My stomach's certainly shrunk during this time, which was probably needed. But this malaise and need to nap around and head inside a fish tank feeling need to go stat.

Yes, there are times where it is convenient to be sick (preferably for a day, two days at the most) when there are people to be shunned, events to be avoided, and there just isn’t really a nicer way to go about it than to (honestly, of course) pronounce yourself stuck under the blankets due to the flu or what have you. But apart from that, being ill for any length of time past two days is just a serious inconvenience and a loss of money. If I could get sick on my vacation over a regular work week, I would always pick on vacation.

Did I mention I hate being sick? It’s been a week now and I was ready for it to be over with 5 days ago.

Other Reflections

We are officially closing upon the end of the year, and what have I really accomplished? A lot, actually, even a tiny bit with the writing. I used to do year-end reviews of accomplishments and whatnot, but I can’t be bothered to think that hard anymore if I don’t have to. Someone asked recently ‘what’s the best thing about getting older’ and I responded with: it gets easier to let things be and carry on with your own life. What sort of Freudian slip that is, I’m not really sure, other than it’s just a nicer way of saying ‘I don’t really give a crap about other people or their perceptions anymore and I’m perfectly happy doing my own thing instead of trying to keep up with the crowd.’ Which is the long and short of everything I’ve been doing these past few years. Giving less a crap and focusing more on restructuring my priorities, letting go of bad habits, and improving upon life in general. Especially this year, I’ll say. There’s been a lot of change this year, there’ll be heck more in the next year, so I’m really trying my best right now to enjoy everything and not fight too hard against the grain.

The hardest part of this whole process of changing for the better and making time for the things that do matter is not beating myself up for not working 24/7, or being unable to work due to being sick. Yes, I was back at work feverishly laboring after 2 days of being ill because if I can get out of bed, I can go to work. Which is a sad reflection of how much of a horrible taskmaster I would be, probably am (that’s just a sniffle, now blow your nose and get back to work), just ask my kids, and that I really need to take a step back and reflect on taking care of myself and others. ‘Take care of yourself first’ comes out of my mouth often, but yet my brain expects them to poo-poo that phrase like I do, ignore the pains and just keep slogging away. And this is all because I really really need to make a dollar and screw everything else including myself, well, I tell people they’re not 20 years old anymore, but at this point, I’d better adjust that to ‘you’re not 30 anymore, take it easy.’

Tl;dr: Will this vid go away already, I don’t have time for it and I can’t afford being sick. I’ve made some improvements this year, but learning to be nice to myself is still a seemingly unachievable feat. I’ve a feeling next year is going to be another hard lesson.

[the-firebird69]

Watch "Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981) KILL COUNT" on YouTube

Is kill counts are lame and they show only three out of roughly 30 kills of Jesus and he's going around as a homicidal maniac as governor as people are not following orders and people are not doing any work and his people and it's true and his people got slaughtered here which is another reason and he's not sensitive to that and you can't afford to be this time he's seeking the AI because they're small and there are people in the way and they're obnoxious about it and they're rude and they're crude and they incite people to violence they insight people to say things and to be angry and to be mean and they're clones and they're Max dying and they're old. That's true you're running around with this faggy act and these two and some more on a homicidal binge even the f** next door is just sitting there taking it and I can't stand you people anymore you want him to wreck me and to put me on lower amount of money so you're allowing him to be juiced up and I say is I don't know the math I really don't understand it no I'm being sarcastic so his juiced up I'm going to amp it up after a while you'll probably stop him here and there but until then I'm going to take you out Max and clones foreigners and take all your Intel and all your stuff and your territory and you can laugh all you want because I might take a cut and pay I really proves what you people are up to which is nothing the money if it all it's owned by Mac who cares I handled some money it's not like a big deal we'd like it back it's kind of like an heirloom but if he's not going to use it for code and lots of times they says it's not any more or less is saying it and we don't give a s*** about it we'd rather see you dead you don't have any game then you can step off because we're good with people you have no game we are. It works very well for us come up and you're plowing and blithering like this idiot next door they don't have any game at all employees out then you certainly don't have any games and you don't have any machinations you just have no brain and we use you and people fall when your carcass is saying and by the way your massively annoying Mac you're the fact that it just says all sorts of s*** and you never fall through in anything that you're saying it's really more annoying than these people you want me to go to your stupid laundry man that's your highlight of your week and say stuff and I'm taking over your businesses and there's no fruity or fruit cake than you have wrong telling me I'm wrong and all the stuff and you don't care about your people dying I'll tell you what you don't care about Max starting that much either and we don't care at all we're trying to kill them and it's frustrated because we're not keeping up with a number of people that are stupid as hell and we can get rid of we're catching up and this series and Halloween are long is to do so and you're forcing it morons you freaking idiots

Zues Hera

He says he doesn't care either after the AI and we can give a s*** about the AI we probably have copies of all of them okay PGA we don't care about your AI That's how we steal your robots you stupid idiot you people are so inept it's not even funny

[livingasaghost]

remember in high school and college when i chronically overshared on tumblr about every little thing and then i was like "no no that's too personal i shouldn't share that nobody needs to know that"

well joke's on yall because i am still a chronic oversharer!

so basically you all surmised that i signed for my own solo apartment. i got the keys last tuesday and i was hoping to move in this past weekend with the help of my dad. it was supposed to be a simple thing...and now i am sitting on the couch in my old place with my entire life in boxes and a full-ass covid diagnosis. how did we get here you may ask?

basically the unit i am renting is not the one i toured or signed up for. which shouldn't be the end of the world, i'm flexible, the space is mostly similar....except that it smells like cigarettes and also there have been a million other tiny problems. the appliances aren't as new, the tub needs help, there's just no microwave???, the fridge doesn't really open properly, there was water pooling in the bathroom sink, when i got there the first time the deadbolt lock was wiggly, the ceiling outside the unit is literally falling down??? and also one day when i came to check out the unit there was a notice from the sheriff for the previous resident to vacate the premises. so totally chill!

i kind of had a breakdown about it when i first saw the space but then i reasoned with myself that i was just making a big deal out of nothing, that it could all probably be fixed, and some of it was fixed by maintenance...but after going to the leasing office three days in a row trying to fix all these problems, i still have to deal with the cig smell, NO MICROWAVE?, and the entire thing just feels more and more unsafe. not to mention it wasn't what i thought i was paying for, especially for the price range.

and i think the biggest thing too is that the one person i kept talking to in the office was both incredibly unhelpful and really quite rude. and sure maybe she was having an off day (three days in a row???) like i can be empathetic for sure....but goddamn i am a new resident you should at least tRY to be nice to me! i think i deserve that at the very least!

so anyway dad came to visit and tell me i'm not crazy and we toured my unit again and both agreed that this isn't what i thought i was getting so we gotta talk to someone before i move everything into that godforsaken unit. we try to talk to the office on saturday but the lady (again, rudely) told us that everybody was MIA until tuesday but there were two other units similar to my style/price range so okay maybe i can look at one of those on tuesday

...except sunday i tested positive for covid and so obviously now i am bedridden and i can't speak bc my voice is almost gone and so okay i'll just have dad call the office to sort things out....except when he calls the office they say they'll call him back with someone who can actually deal with this (nobody ever calls back in that office, i know from past experience). so okay maybe i'll send a message in the resident portal! (again, nothing)

now last week i think i spent 3-4 days just stewing in my anxiety, feeling like shit, not eating or sleeping, and the best part of my day was going to work. bc that's how bad i felt about this whole thing. but now i am out of work until next tuesday, i have even less of an idea of what to do, and i'm arguably losing more money the longer i wait but i feel this strange sense of peace. like nothing matters! i will be okay bc i am privileged but i will use this to spite landlords and capitalism and i will continue to be angry! bc what the fuck! literally could have been a chill little thing if they would have just walked through the unit with me like i asked the moment i got my keys but nO she didn't want to do that because i was inconveniencing her!

god the more i think about it the more furious i am for the other people they've inevitably done this to

i'm so so lucky to have incredible parents and friends to support me through this bc it quite frankly sucks ass but what are we doing about the lower class! how are we helping them!! how do we stop this from happening to other people!!!

anyway, now you have context, i'm back to being an emotionless blob watching parks & rec and sniffling on the couch let's all pray that xfinity doesn't realize that they haven't disconnected the wifi yet oops

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 50

Very brief message because it's 3:30AM and all I want is to SLEEP.

I made the reckless decision to brutally go off antidepressants completely just so I can experience the full syptoms of whatever mental illness(es) I have so I can get a better and hopefully more accurate diagnosis and be take more seriously next time I see a psychiatrist.

Three days ago I felt EXTREMELY anxious for asbolutely no reason at all. I wanted to go to the restaurant, I went, and almost as soon as I stepped foot out of my flat, I got anxious. Over nothing. I just FELT anxious. And I was also super irritated by everything. That was the case yesterday too, and a little bit today as well, but it really is less and less.

These past two days I've been feeling super motivated and happy. I can get lots of stuff done and I want to get lots of stuff done. I believe in crazy shit like "I'm going to write a book and have it published" or "I'm going to study 3D animation" or "I'm going to become a tattoo artist". And to think 3 days ago I just thought I was going to do none of that and just work whatever job I'd be given...?

Anyway, I know this is probably very temporary and a relapse is probably going to kick in soon, hopefully in a week or two only, but it's probably more a matter of a couple of days.

I got my Heartstopper tattoo and I'm so so happy about it. I also love my tattoo artist. What I see in her is like... a 15 year older version of myself? We happen to have quite a lot in common except she is under medication that really treats her illness well and therefore she is pretty stable and enjoys her daily life, and that just gives me hope for my own future.

Anyway, I'll try to keep this blog updated more regularly, especially because I wanna keep track of how my mental state evolves, especially since I've had a hard time focusing and remembering anything lately, and also because whenever I feel bad I get sort of "black outs" and forget :')

See you soon hopefully

xx

Update:

I posted the first part at around 3/4AM so in order to update I must do it on the same post.

Around 2AM I felt peaceful and like I was about to fall asleep but I made the very stupid decision to reply to my grandma's messages knowing it was going to take me 2 hours. So at around 4/5AM, when I finally could go to bed, I felt super anxious, I felt like someone was in the room watching like lowkey paranoid. I think I even woke up in the middle of the night hearing someone's breath but honestly it was probably just mine obviously. I think I fell back asleep and woke up again a little before 12PM.

Then I knew I really had to finish preparing my trip to England which is just under two weeks away from now but it made me so fucking anxious. I still managed and ended up taking a lot of pleasure in it! I was pretty much laughing hysterically at everything.

Then I got up to get prepared because I'm getting my 2nd booster against Covid, which I was totally chill about until I left the house and almost had a full blown crisis with tears and anxiety, which I've been trying to fight for the past hour. It's only 10 mins til my appointment. I'm not scared of the shot in itself, I'm just too unstable. I'm not even sure the vaccine in itself is the real cause of my mental anguish, I think it's mostly because I promised myself after this shot I would stop wearing my mask, which should be liberating but instead makes me feel miserable.

We're the 21st of April and it's day 3 (I think) with no medication at all. I refrain from taking anything, not even a bit of medication against anxiety.

At some point I tried to remember what I did yesterday and just couldn't for about a minute. I still feel dizzy when I walk most of the time. When I say or think about the words "death" I just wanna cry. I wish I could die to end the suffering right as I'm writing this but when I think of dying I just get traumatizing flashbacks from my dad's death.

I'm trying to sit down somewhere and collect myself because I really must not cry in front of some poor strangers working at the pharmacy. They haven't done anything to deserve to see me like this.

I am so in pain right now. I wish a doctor would listen and try to help.