#well shes alive and thats about all i can tell from her facebook

[murdoc]

this is a weird post to make, but i dont really have many places to say it and i wanna share my thoughts Somewhere lol

so i found my dad after more than a decade of being out of contact with him (probably since 2010? at latest, very early 2011). or rather, after every few years of searching for a little while and coming up fruitless, he made a new facebook less than three weeks ago and i just happened to get Really lucky timing.

just before him i had also found my (former) step sister + mom, as well as my half sister (all sisters younger than me and previously i couldnt find), and.. its a strange experience to finally see people who used to be so close to you in your life show uo again, visibly older and doing their own thing.

its hard to explain.. its almost like youve woken up from a coma. you have memories and have had dreams of these people for years and years and during that time you never really realized that the image you have of them was one trapped in amber; even when youre cognizant of the passage of time, your mind just can't take into consideration the individualized process of aging, both physically and where the passage of time will take them and their relationships. you realize these people are now essentially strangers to you.

my (former) step mom has remarried again and has her own set of children (again), one of my step uncles ended up passing away, my step sister is no longer how i remembered her in 2007 from one of the few photos i have of her in my possession and is posting hippie white woman stuff on her feed, my half sister doesnt share my last name (paternal) anymore, nor her mother or new husband's, whom she is having a child with. i was able to figure out it was her because of the name and how she looks strikingly like her mom and has photos with my dad in them.

my dad himself has aged significantly since he's last shared a photo of himself anywhere. he used to always wear hats, but in a new photo he's got solid white hair despite being in his early 40s and is balding (HE did this to me..) and finally learned what glasses suit his face better LMAO. honestly, he looks better now than he ever did when i've seen him. which i think was one of the biggest shockers because god he looked so lame. this also gives me hope for myself B)

the thing i noticed the most though is how "normal" him and my half sisters turned out. granted, he was always so much more put together than my mother-- i'm sure thats why they didnt really like each other lmao. but, while im not sad about my life, even if it's definitely different than i assumed for my age, i can't help but wonder where i'd be if i had allowed myself to overcome the fear of my mother and went to go live with my dad like we had planned in 2008 or 2009.

however, just from how hard it has been to piece together the state of that side of my family, i don't think any speculation could even be remotely accurate. ive also never really been one to dwell on what could be anyway. at the end of the day i cant undo how horrific my childhood was, but i can make steps to grow from it and learn to love who i am and where i am now.. for how cheesy that sounds 😭

i am glad i finally got a bit of closure on this though. i knew my dad was still around somewhere, but not knowing anything beyond "he's alive" for so long left me with a lot of questions, now mostly answered. it's nice to know he seems to be doing good and that he's there for my younger sisters (not sure about my step sister, but i have an additional half sibling that i never met beyond a few times as a toddler and it seems she's fine too). i know that social media doesn't tell all and is usually finely curated to share the best moments, but i'm saying this in comparison to my mother who would never in a million years do what he seems to be doing.. down to having custody of his kids LMAO.

i don't think i'll ever reach out to any of them though. i know my dad still thinks of me once in a blue moon, as he's dedicated a birthday post to me some years ago on a now deleted profile, but if you can imagine.. i think my change in the last 13 years or so is a bit more drastic than just growing up. not to mention they have their own lives going on and it all seems just fine.

i guess if he ever does try to find me, he'll find out that my former step uncle (different one who is still alive) who teased him about only having girls was wrong LMAO. but i dont think he could ever find me unless he got in contact with my older sister who isn't doing too hot rn, or my mother.... and if it's my mom he goes through, i sure as hell hope he thinks finding his now son was worth it. i sure as hell wouldnt go through talking with my mom if i was him.

i dont think i ever made a post so long and detailed about my life on here??? if someone fsr actually read this... hi :) why did you do that? you are silly

[boycannibal]

do you ever think about something that happened in middle school and youre like. am i a bad person because of this

[newtedison]

my thoughts on the crank palace

i touched about this a bit on twitter (@newtedison_) but i figured i would Try and touch on my points more here (spoilers obv) again, its sort of lengthy

1. im gonna start with talking about the ending because i need to get it out of the way. either i havent read the books in a while and i forgot some canon (which could very well be true, i literally forgot that Bliss was a thing) or this ending makes no sense and is (somehow) setting up for a tdc sequel? so first off, newt was shot in the Head with a Bullet and somehow didnt immediately die? i know that that can happen in real life but it just seems so unlikely that not only would he not die, but he would survive long enough for someone from WCKD to transport him back to their labs and try to revive him. and who the fuck was he talking to? did thomas get newt’s journal at some point and i just dont remember? like i said, either im forgetting stuff or this ending doesnt make sense and is setting up a sequel which...i’ll get to later

2. why was this written? like, what was the point? i understand that this wasnt going to be all sunshine and rainbows but i feel like i was reading torture porn. like, literally all that happens is newt gets tortured (which is described in detail) by WCKD soldiers, has bouts of insane-fueled rage where he KILLS MULTIPLE PEOPLE, and then he dies. ??? what did this contribute to the canon? what was this trying to accomplish? truthfully, i never really wanted a newt-POV...well, anything except for maybe those little nuggets he wrote some time ago. but even if i HAD wanted a newt-POV novella, this is not what i would have wanted. he KNOWS that newt is almost universally the most loved character in this franchise. you can tell because he constantly uses him as a way to get fans in his good graces again. so why on earth would he take that character that so many people love and write a novella where its torture porn and a descent into madness before death? i am not interested in that At All. i’ve read fics (and even written a drabble) where newt is a Crank, and those were more respectful and easier to read than tcp. the parts where newt is having bouts of the Flare were literally exhausting to read; it was described in such vivid and torturous detail that it made me sick reading it. and it didnt help that newt is a character i care a lot about. i didn’t need to know what becoming a Crank felt like. the way it was described in the other books (and even the movies) told me everything i needed to know. the way thomas and everyone found newt at the crank palace in tdc and hes described as obviously not well, but not knowing what exactly happened to him...thats good enough on its own. the mystery of what exactly newt had to endure is part of what gives his journey more emotional depth. not everything needs to be written out and explained. not every gap needs to be filled in. 

3. me saying “the characterization felt off” is going to make some people roll their eyes because ‘duh, sami, the characterization will be off because he’s going insane’ to which i say...exactly. we weren’t really reading a newt-POV novella, were we? even if he isn’t past the Gone in the beginning, hes clearly not the same person we knew him as. the whole novella felt like an uncanny valley situation; i knew i was supposed to be reading about newt, but it felt like i was reading about someone else who looked like him. and that is part of what made this such a disconnect and made me lose interest at parts. not only that, but the world building and lore is inconsistent. newt makes a comment about how it used to rain in the glade, and apparently (as ive been told) that is simply not true. keisha having somehow working cell phone that magically connects her to her family also doesnt make sense. how would they have each others’ numbers? what are the odds that they BOTH found working cell phones in an apocalypse? i get that its a novella but you cant just throw something that crazy in there as a plot convenience. actually work on your plot and world building in a cohesive way, please. and another thing that doesnt make sense...

4. ...is newt finding out that sonya is his sister. if there was anything i would have wanted from a newt-pov novella, it would have been this. him finding out that not only is sonya his sister, but he already knows her post-WCKD. something that would have made this novella actually captivating, contributing something worthwhile to the canon that i would actually want to read, is if newt found out while in the crank palace that sonya was his sister; the Flare would remove that part of the Slice in his brain, and he would realize it was her. then, knowing that he couldnt go past the Gone before seeing her, he would try to find a way to get back to her. he could learn this after thomas and everyone originally see him, so it could match up with the canon. and then, by the time 250 comes along, hes lost all hope of that actually happening, and lashes out to thomas in a fit of rage. the journey of him trying to find his ACTUAL sister would have meant more to me than the story of keisha and dante. trust me, i love a found family trope as much as the next girl. but this series is FULL of the found family trope. it pretty much is the backbone of the franchise. so to see a blood family dynamic would have been a refreshing change of pace that i actually would have been interested in reading. also, the way that newt DOES find out about sonya is...underwhelming. he just randomly says “you remind me of my sister, sonya” to keisha in the WCKD truck. first of all, sonya is not the name you would actually know her by. you would know her by her birth name (which is lizzy? elizabeth?). second, why does he act like he didnt already meet her in the series? when the WCKD doctor tells him sonya is his sister and is alive, hes so surprised. wouldn’t he have known that already? why is there not more emphasis on the fact he already met her? that would have been a really interesting dynamic to explore, and im sad they didnt

5. the pacing and dialogue of tcp is so dragged out. i remember specifically there was a section where newt goes to talk to keisha after she starts abandoning dante, and i swear to god there was a page and a half of text before anything ACTUALLY happened or anyone ACTUALLY said anything. dashner described a launcher at one point as “the energy dependent electric firing projectile device.” that’s SIX words to describe a stun gun. a fucking stun gun! we know what it is! why did you have to use six words??? it just felt like everything was dragged and stretched to the longest it could possibly be and it added to the exhaustion i felt while reading it

6. okay i cant end it without talking about newtmas. its very obvious by now that newtmas is a VERY large part of this fanbase. its clearly the most popular ship and what keeps a lot of people interested in this series. even the marketing team for the MOVIES used newtmas as a advertising tactic (i.e.; using thomas and newt standing face to face as a thumbnail for the trailer, emphasizing newtmas based questions in interviews, even making a fucking facebook memories video for them. yes that last one is real). not only does dashner use newt as a way to lure fans in; he also uses newtmas. the parts that were sprinkled into this were so obvious that it didnt feel authentic. i cant speak for the original trilogy; i dont know the culture around ships back then, and i dont know how much it influenced his writing at the time. but the scenes in those books felt more genuine than tcp. by genuine i mean; he wrote scenes without a relationship in mind, but the chemistry had noticeable subtext that, while unintentional, was largely agreed upon by the larger audience. the parts of newtmas he added into tcp felt artificial and forced, likely as a way for people to take snippets of and use as a free marketing tool for him. one example you might have already seen; “he had already gotten used to his post-thomas, post-WCKD life.” the fact that dashner SPECIFICALLY used the phrase “post-thomas” rather than “post-his friends” or something similar shows that he is using newtmas as a hook on purpose. not only that, but to make newt’s last thoughts as he died “tommy. tommy will understand...” is...wow. first of all, i never wanted to know what newt’s dying thoughts were, but thanks, i guess? and second, when we all initially thought newt died underneath thomas with a gun to his head, i was pretty much inferred that newts last thoughts would probably be about thomas; they would sort of have to be, given the circumstances. so adding that in gives me the same feeling that “i’m coming for you, newt” at the end of the fever code gave me. not as offensive, but written very much on purpose. and the ending is implying that there will somehow be a sequel where thomas gets newt’s journal from...someone. at this point, i can only think that this sequel will retroactively make newtmas canon somehow. now that newt has been confirmed as gay, it could happen. which brings me to my last point...

7. hearing dashner confirm newt is gay was already mind-boggling before. now that i’ve read the crank palace...im angry. im very angry. i think its safe to say that newt is the character that suffers the most in this series. you can argue with me but hes definitely high on the list, if not #1. so; you take this character. you give him a horribly sad arc in the original trilogy, then decide to expand upon it and tell us, your largely QUEER fanbase, exactly how painful and torturous his last days were, in detail. and then you tell us he’s gay. something that is never mentioned in the canon, only in an offhanded reply to a tweet of someone calling you out. on a base level, i can understand why people would be happy. representation (i guess), seeing themselves in the character, having their headcanons be confirmed. great. but what i see is you telling your largely queer fanbase “hey, you see the only confirmed gay character? im going to literally write torture porn about him before killing him off and offer it to you like im providing a service to your community.” how fucked up is that? “hey, kids, if youre gay, you WILL be violently tortured and become violent and a danger to the ones you love. then you will die and your love will never be reciprocated.” what a message! and if he DOES end up retroactively making newtmas “canon” in some weird sequel...i will start foaming at the mouth. THIS is an example of how not all queer representation is good or genuine.

i’ve definitely forgotten some points but this is long enough already. let me know if you agree or if theres anything else you want to add! im interested in what you guys think

(8. I JUST REMEMBERED!!! if WCKD needed to study newt so bad bc sonya is his sister and is immune while he isnt, why did they let him run around the crank palace in the first place??? you cant test his vitals or anything you’re literally just watching him. what is the point????)

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: Hi Joe: There's no gentle way of doing this, so I'll just get to it, I'm sorry if you don't want to talk about it but you're free to ignore this if that's the case Joe: but I've been looking for my half-sister, and I think its you Ronnie: if youre basing that on a family resemblance youve shot yourself in the face like Ronnie: reload & keep looking Joe: Yeah, I know Joe: but I ain't Joe: Aside from coming at you with what's on any facebook profile anyway Joe: do you know your biological mum's name or? Ronnie: whos used facebook in a decade thats your 1st fuck up Ronnie: 2nd to reckoning my dna is any of your business Joe: who's putting their date of birth and hometown anywhere else? Joe: you were born in [hospital] right? Ronnie: phone numbers on toilet walls getting played out Ronnie: yeah & Joe: then it is you Joe: everything adds up, you have the right birthday, right place, right last name, and first, still Ronnie: right colour Ronnie: miss me with your schoolboy maths Joe: its your bio dad that's black Ronnie: fuck you i know that Ronnie: read my file well before you stalked me Joe: so do you know her name or nah Ronnie: it was in there Joe: Tess Vickers Joe: she is your mum Ronnie: i came out of her Ronnie: shes not my fucking mum Ronnie: id know you if she was Joe: 'course Joe: that's what I meant Ronnie: pick your words more careful soft lad Joe: she don't have any more Joe: I ain't had to do this before, like Ronnie: made up for her Ronnie: & you Ronnie: only took her how many years to claim her bastards Joe: I don't know why she didn't, only what she's said Joe: but if you wanted to ask her, I could set that up Ronnie: if it took her a bit to recover from goin black i don't need to ask her about that Ronnie: got my own experiences cheers Joe: is there anything you do Ronnie: if i had any questions id have chucked 'em at her when i aged out Joe: fair enough Joe: you wanna ask me anything then Ronnie: you old enough to be cleaning out your mas skeletons & seein if theyll dance for you Joe: not what I'm doing Joe: but I'm 19 Ronnie: course she never kept herself stitched up for long Ronnie: got a taste for it like Joe: by all accounts she met my dad the same year she had to give you up so Ronnie: bet he was proper comforting Ronnie: fucking hell Joe: Must've been Ronnie: if she kept you longer than the hour yeah Joe: I've got 3 brothers and a sister too Ronnie: when did she meet their dads Joe: we've got the same, like Joe: youngest is nearly 5 Ronnie: shes still alive then Ronnie: impressive Joe: is it? Joe: suppose so Ronnie: he got cash your sperm donor Ronnie: less dangerous game that one Joe: they both do alright now but you'd probably aim higher if that was the game you were playing Ronnie: shifting gear aint no game now or back then Ronnie: but she was small time Ronnie: that hand to mouth shit Joe: yeah, for years Joe: her dad's debts not helping none Ronnie: hes gotta be dead Joe: yeah Joe: year I was born Joe: so new mouth to feed and inheriting the neverending debts of John Joe: must've seemed like a great time to have more 'cos my brother is only a year younger than me 👍 Ronnie: least you aint inherited his name Ronnie: like i said insatiable Joe: thank fuck Ronnie: piss poor addiction but fuck it Ronnie: shes keeping 'em fed & clothed this time 👏 Joe: gutted social don't hand out round of applauses no doubt Joe: know she is for a fact 'cos she ended up working for 'em, and fostering two poor kiddies in need Joe: what do you reckon to her addiction now? Ronnie: sounds about right theyd left her Ronnie: state of the cunts running that show Joe: mhmm Ronnie: white kids are easier to love Ronnie: its on the posters like Joe: in theory Joe: but this way she gets to be obsessed with you from afar Ronnie: pay me enough & ill come press my face longingly against her windows Joe: I'll keep it in mind for her birthday or something Ronnie: fuck all else you wanna rock my world with or what Joe: Hmm Joe: hold up whilst I trawl a lifetime of overshare for any more tidbits Ronnie: she aint rotting by the roadside or ashes i can snort means my hearts already broken Ronnie: take your time Joe: sorry to disappoint Joe: suppose by the time you got to your file, it told you she'd run away from Liverpool, yeah? Ronnie: bullshit are you Ronnie: youre loving having another cunt to share it with Ronnie: whats the matter dont your brothers & sister wanna play Joe: I'm the favourite Joe: favourite that's about Joe: they got the gist but no file for them Ronnie: 💔 Joe: you said Joe: so, what you saying, you care if I tell her I found you or what? Ronnie: if it feels good do it baby Ronnie: why would i care Ronnie: shes not gonna show up Joe: what if she did? Ronnie: no fixed address Joe: I've told you she loves a cause Joe: say you don't wanna see her Ronnie: shooting the messenger aint no kill shot Ronnie: youre not invested in me Joe: I'm not not, clearly Joe: I'm the one looking, ain't I Ronnie: let her look under every rock with you Ronnie: i hope one bashes her skull in Joe: alright Joe: I'll pass it on Ronnie: good boy Ronnie: get that sticker on your reward chart Joe: god I hope so Ronnie: 🙏 Joe: Your profile says you're in London, still true? Ronnie: i don't need you at my door either Joe: 🙄 Ronnie: roll your eyes at me again Joe: 🙄🙄 Ronnie: 🖕🖕 Joe: 😏 Ronnie: what the fuck do you want Joe: I've told you Ronnie: nah Ronnie: spit it out Ronnie: youre circling around it stop being a pussy Joe: how am I? Ronnie: what do you want for fucks sake Joe: meet you Ronnie: its not happening Joe: why not Ronnie: i hate that you exist Ronnie: that she got a 2nd chance & i didnt get 1 Joe: that's fair Joe: you can hate me in person Ronnie: i aint goin to prison for killing you Ronnie: you wish Joe: yeah Joe: oh well Ronnie: take your death wish home Ronnie: or on a different part of the internet Joe: awh, cheers for the sisterly advice Ronnie: shut your mouth Ronnie: i ain't your sister Joe: kk Ronnie: dumping all your bullshit on me dont make us related Joe: we are Joe: you not wanting it don't fight biology Ronnie: her not wanting me cancels it all out Joe: not to me Ronnie: i give a shit how you feel Ronnie: youre a stranger with fuck all i want Joe: you ain't checked what I've got Ronnie: until facebook adds income i dont care Joe: 💔 Ronnie: you must look like your da Ronnie: dont be Joe: well you look like her Joe: not that I've seen yours Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: i dont Joe: yeah you do Joe: [sends pics] Ronnie: shut up Joe: alright Joe: catch you around then Ronnie: get it through your head Ronnie: you wont Joe: what you scared for Ronnie: youre having fun trying to mess me up Ronnie: that aint how i get mine Joe: I'm seriously not Joe: I've got the message though, alright Ronnie: youre seriously throwing all this shit at me like im gonna smile as i eat it Ronnie: what the fuck Joe: I don't expect fuck all Joe: I just wanna know you but if you don't then that's alright Joe: I won't message again Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: you aint asked about me Ronnie: you wanna bitch about 'em Joe: that's why I wanna meet you Joe: I've thrown enough questions at you for one convo Ronnie: nah you wanna meet me to see if i proper look like her Joe: I've got eyes Ronnie: if thats what you reckon you see they dont fucking work Ronnie: get down the social & claim Joe: you're fine, its not dead ringer levels Ronnie: im fucking fine cause theres none of her in me Joe: I'm glad for you Ronnie: were not family save your lies Ronnie: i dont need any blows softened Joe: its only me bitching Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: & you can save your tears Ronnie: you already cant see fuck all like Joe: what do you want? Ronnie: too late to give a fuck Ronnie: youve shit over me with this Joe: I'm sorry Ronnie: nah Ronnie: sorry for yourself aint the same Joe: Why would I be sorry for me? Joe: I got everything Ronnie: not how youre framing it Joe: why would you believe me Ronnie: not hard to believe mummy dearest loves me best Ronnie: not like she dumped me fast as she could & legged it Joe: she weren't allowed to keep you, she was 14 with a junkie non-dad to look after you both Ronnie: & what she didnt get any older or get her shit together Ronnie: fuck that Joe: did you want her to come 'round and pick you up 4 years later? Ronnie: she had you cunts instead Joe: so she comes and gets you and the social come with and see the fake bailiffs and the bashed in door and we all go back with you Joe: I see the appeal Ronnie: you reckon i had it better Ronnie: thats what this nancy drew bullshit is about Joe: nice one, genius Joe: in what world is that adding up Ronnie: yours Ronnie: in what world would i have not gone with any cunt to get me out of that place then Joe: I'm telling you why she didn't get you, not telling you why you wouldn't wanna be there Ronnie: youre giving me both Ronnie: cant help yourself Joe: they're the same reason Joe: if she tried to get you, they'd say nah 'cos her life was a mess, simple as Ronnie: & yet here you are Ronnie: not a care kid a single day in your fucking life Ronnie: so like i said she got her shit together in the end Joe: she was 18 when I came around and we got taught how to say the right thing to socials and how to shut our mouths the rest Joe: but that's just what she told me Joe: she probably didn't want you, looking back Ronnie: why would she Ronnie: had a new set up with a cunt that stayed Ronnie: cuter kids Joe: 'cos she loved your da the way only a 14 year old girl can Joe: pro and a con in your favour Joe: does she want the reminders or does she not Ronnie: not Ronnie: youre the only pussy walking memory lane Ronnie: aint her looking Joe: yeah, s'me, so why you chatting at me like I'm the one that fucked you off Joe: not productive Ronnie: cause you are Joe: I've gone to leave loads now Joe: you've clearly got shit to say Joe: so just say it at me, I've already offered that n'all Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: i didnt ask for this Ronnie: she was in the ground for all i knew Joe: she still can be Joe: I ain't telling Ronnie: nah you opened your gob & let all that shite out Ronnie: i couldve been about to slit my throat or pull a shift Joe: you could've easily found out she weren't dead yourself too Ronnie: what should it tell you that i didnt Joe: ignorance ain't such bliss I've tipped you over the edge Ronnie: you dont know shit Ronnie: how does yours feel Joe: how do you think Ronnie: i think you should ask if people have got time & space to spin out before you fuck with their heads Ronnie: i think you should go suck a dick mckenna Joe: why should I? Joe: no one asked me and I owe you shit Ronnie: she owes me Ronnie: youre nothing Ronnie: you dont see me knocking cause im not looking for answers & theres fuck all else to collect by the sounds of it Joe: then fucking collect Ronnie: talk to your ma like that Joe: hit me up when you stop being scared Ronnie: keep it up and ill smash in your face Joe: how Joe: you don't wanna meet Ronnie: dont flatter yourself nancy drew Ronnie: i can still kick your door in Ronnie: be like the baliffs are back Ronnie: you can revisit your childhood Joe: now who wants to go for a jaunt down memory lane Ronnie: you wish Joe: 🙏 Ronnie: i reckon your imaginary friends gotta be sick of your bullshit by now Joe: no doubt, nancy drew Ronnie: we cant both be nancy Joe: alright you be sid then Ronnie: still not gonna kill you baby Ronnie: but youre getting warmer Joe: I know, stalked you, remember Ronnie: get a hobby or habit mckenna Ronnie: your little misery boners aint cute Joe: oh I got plenty of thoses Joe: your concern is, kinda Ronnie: youve thrown me into the big sister deep end Ronnie: sounds like how you want it Joe: very obliging Ronnie: unloved kids get it where they can Ronnie: thats on the back of the poster Joe: trust, I know Ronnie: 💔 Joe: not me Joe: never mind, not my sob story to hit you with Ronnie: you only wanna share yours Joe: maybe when we get cosy I'll divulge all the family secrets, sis Ronnie: maybe if you chat shit like that to me again ill choke on my puke Joe: n'awh Ronnie: kill yourself Joe: sure thing Ronnie: very obliging Joe: it was already in the diary tbh Joe: but I'll pop you in the note if that makes you feel �� Ronnie: show me yours & ill show you mine Joe: deal Ronnie: 💘 Ronnie: [skippity skip] Ronnie: pick me up Joe: where from Ronnie: [location that's sketchy as all hell] Joe: alright Joe: that should take me 'bout half an hour this time of day Ronnie: im not goin anywhere mckenna Joe: you alright Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: got it Joe: 🚖 📵 Ronnie: important for you to know your place Joe: must be popular with the cabbies 👑 Ronnie: yeah im on a ban Ronnie: look out for my picture hanging Joe: what did you do Joe: vom and not pay the fine one too many times? Ronnie: we taking another trip down memory lane Ronnie: i aint 12 Joe: go on then, what was it Ronnie: the cunt crashed its fuck all to get excited about Joe: did you get hurt? Ronnie: didnt feel it Joe: what about the driver Ronnie: i reckon he felt it Joe: fucked you're stuck with the tube then Joe: 💔 Ronnie: cheers motherfucker Ronnie: cant you drive Joe: 'course I can Joe: where'd your license go, got a story for that and all or? Ronnie: car theft would be a dead good sibling bonding activity Ronnie: but i dont need your help to break a window Joe: another time Ronnie: nah Ronnie: next time some other cunt will pick me up Joe: good thing I didn't specify Joe: tah for keeping me well in the loop of your schedule though Ronnie: other shit in the diary besides blowing my brains out Ronnie: can move it up if you aint gonna shut up Joe: 🤐 Joe: you can keep all your dates Ronnie: made up i am Joe: no need to say thanks, I feel it Ronnie: you wanted to meet up Ronnie: wish granted Joe: I know Joe: reckon blue would suit Ronnie: what Joe: genie Joe: you owe me 2 more, yeah? Ronnie: rubbing me up the wrong way dont count Joe: damn Ronnie: i can do black & blue Joe: changed your mind then Joe: my 🍀 day Ronnie: you got the accent Ronnie: my head cant do subtitles Joe: not really Joe: not proper Joe: some of my younger ones do but they can barely remember Liverpool Ronnie: nothing to be 💔 about Ronnie: its a shithole Joe: least its a shithole with some history Joe: we moved to a newbuild shithole so Joe: win some lose some Ronnie: your boner for history aint that big Joe: you checked what I'm studying? 😏 Ronnie: you dont post about fuck all else Joe: I'm barely outta freshers let me have it Ronnie: dont give me the flu Joe: thought that was just a euphemism Joe: either way, on my life Ronnie: fuck knows Joe: not as much fun as people chat, shockingly Ronnie: what is Ronnie: the shit that feels good is the shit youre meant to keep your mouth shut about Joe: hear hear Ronnie: 💘 Joe: 💘 Joe: you live there or am I picking you up from a mates Ronnie: neither Joe: alright Ronnie: drop me on the other side Joe: no problem Ronnie: then you can go back to wanking over symphonies Joe: you wanna help me with my homework Joe: so nice Ronnie: what are big sisters for Joe: yeah Ronnie: shits fucked up Joe: right Joe: but you can be more specific Ronnie: nah i cant Joe: don't know where to start? Ronnie: it starts with being born Joe: okay, so the starts the easy bit Joe: the middle Joe: we don't have time Ronnie: we aint gonna trauma bond mckenna youve been beaten to it Joe: ah you got a troubled boyfriend Joe: that's cool Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: you heard me say i aint 12 Joe: you know what I mean Ronnie: not very nancy drew if you reckon im that bitch Joe: we can't both be sid Ronnie: touche baby Joe: 💘 Ronnie: im gonna carve up this cunt if you dont pull me out Ronnie: & thatll make him feel too special Joe: who? Joe: I'm nearly there Ronnie: my not boyfriend Ronnie: dont waste romance like that on strangers Joe: sensible Joe: just carve anything but 💘 and he shouldn't get too clingy Ronnie: whats the symphony that gets you off fastest Ronnie: ill do that Joe: Khachaturian's Sabre Dance works as a play on words and should get him to crescendo 👌 Ronnie: hot Joe: orchestra nerds get all the bitches Ronnie: yeah Joe: you aren't a catfish, are you Joe: I mean, I'll recognize you Ronnie: look for your mas face Joe: fuck it, therapy overdue anyway Ronnie: fuck you for saying that Ronnie: making it go round my head Joe: I shouldn't have said that Ronnie: i should stab you Ronnie: all these pieces of mirror Ronnie: fuck him Joe: you can, long as you keep it shallow, or don't mind swinging by the hospital Ronnie: i dont get my kicks at a&e Joe: you'll have to play nice then Ronnie: youll get too clingy Joe: avoid the 💘 Ronnie: some other bitch can have the honours Joe: or has Joe: don't I seem 💔 Ronnie: dont need to hear how you lost your virginity mckenna Joe: noted Joe: save that trip down memory lane for private time Joe: me and mozart Ronnie: explains a shit ton if the conductor is molesting you Ronnie: but not gonna be the sister who tells him where to put that stick he waves about Joe: Mozart was pretty fucked up but I don't reckon it went that far Ronnie: i dont know him 💔 Ronnie: there was a Moz here earlier fuck knows if theyre any relation Joe: You're more a Liszt type, called it Ronnie: what the fuck kind of fuck you is that Joe: 😂 Joe: actually he's considered the world's first rock star, I was being nice Ronnie: shut up Joe: what, you ain't seen the ken russell film with daltrey in? Joe: have a word Ronnie: get a life Joe: tomorrow Joe: maybe Ronnie: i cant fucking believe it had to be you Ronnie: thank fuck i already aint showing my face here again Joe: thought you said you weren't 12 Joe: but I don't need to come in if you don't wanna be embarrassed in front of your mates Ronnie: i said my mates aint here Joe: no need to tell me why you're there Ronnie: where the fuck are you Joe: just got out, 5 minutes Ronnie: i need to get out Ronnie: move it like Joe: alright Joe: come find me then, make it go faster Ronnie: fucks sake Joe: what's wrong Ronnie: if my body would do what it was told i wouldnt need you Ronnie: cant even paint you a fucking picture Joe: right Ronnie: theres a shit load of stairs yeah Ronnie: i cant do 'em Joe: if you're fat I swear to god Ronnie: calm your tits nancy drew Ronnie: you know thats bullshit Joe: I'll trust you ain't catfishing then Ronnie: thats my next tat Ronnie: all for you baby Joe: sweet Ronnie: hurry up Joe: I am Joe: [show up boy] Ronnie: [when you're just there like damsel in distress which ain't you so it makes it more awks] Joe: [what a first meeting just having to carry her away from god knows where like] Ronnie: [just like we don't know each other but just carry me to your vehicle thanks] Joe: [just doing it silently like this is normal] Ronnie: [since I cant find a pic she should go get that tattoo now just casually drag him along] Joe: [once you get the use of your limbs back lol] Ronnie: [lbr its blatantly someone sketchy she knows the state of them all] Joe: [god bless] Ronnie: [when I know its gotta go on her face somewhere cos #triggered by looking like Tess and I'm just screaming like NOOO] Joe: [my boo is horrified and Joe too] Ronnie: [soz you're so cute bitch and you wanna look so ugly] Joe: [lowkey dread to think how annoying the heal time is on a face tat] Ronnie: [blasting that orchestra bop he mentioned earlier as loud as poss cos yeah you searched for it and yeah you don't wanna hear your thoughts or have a convo] Joe: [when you don't run like you should 'cos you too are a crazy person] Ronnie: [match made in heaven lol] Joe: [🔥😈] Ronnie: [does he have any tattoos I have forgotten] Joe: [Oh, I don't think so??? but he probably would in a self-destructive manner too, as long as they could be hidden like his self-harm like go ahead] Ronnie: [just thinking get one now if you want boy #bonding] Joe: [yolo] Ronnie: [ooh what should it be] Joe: [the real question, hmm] Ronnie: [perfect excuse to be staring at each other while that's happening though cos you can't be moving all about] Joe: [but of course] Ronnie: [Joe can move around more cos not on his fucking head but] Joe: [probably get a cherry or something for the lols] Ronnie: [love that for you Joseph]

[fandomdragon20]

The Princess and the Pea-ist oFF PAPERBAG THATS WHAT (part 3)

So the group went into the dinning hall to continue dinner, after Flug threw the disaster of a dress into the fire outside, with their new guest, both Demencia and Flug engrossed in his story.

Black Hat however kept quiet. Skeptical about the man, who explained he was a noble of the kingdom and how his family was rich thanks to their line of works in the engineering field, however Flug was sort of the black sheep of the family who was close to only his brother. (I wonder who it could be?? Owowowowwowó) Cut away from the family name by his own choice, Flug started his own kind of "unauthorized" work with his share of wealth. Flug was an inventor at heart so he knew a thing or two about technology. Flug would sell confidential information to the black market, hack a few of the major banks, and post some fake news that would go viral on Facebook.

Black Hat merely scoffed, a lesser villain with the ability of technology and hacking, something Black Hat himself would never stoop so low to do.

"So what happened with," Demencia gestured outside where 505 was beating the fire down with a pine tree, "...all that?"

"Oh, well...The police managed to track my computer on my recent "heist" and so I had to make a run for it." Flug explained

Black Hat laughed bitterly, so the man failed to be a lesser villain at that. Weakling.

Flug continued, "So I made my way into town, where some crowd of people where having a wedding celebration. While being hunted by the cops, I didn't really blend in the crowd with the paper bag and all, so I had to hide in the dressing rooms. Apparently the bride left the ceremony early leaving her wedding dress and vail behind. No one else knew so I-"

"uh..."

Now both Demencia and Black Hat were laughing

"It hid my face well, alright?!" Flug said trying to justify himself,

"Anyway, I went through half the ceremony." he continued with Demencia laughing on the floor just imagining the situation, "Unfortunately my cover was blown and the police were back on my tail so I took out my plasma ray and shot at the wedding cake for a distraction as I ran out to the parking lot, thank god they had a private jet waiting outside with a "Just Married" painted on the tail wing, the nerve of those rich bastards..." As he muttered that last insult, Demencia interrupted with an enthusiastic wave of her hand,

"Wait, wait, wait" she commanded for a pause, "you said you had a plasma ray?"

"Yeah...for emergencies...doesn't everyone??"

"Where did you get it from?"

"Oh," said Flug, "I made it myself. It's one of my successful inventions. Being part of the digital black market you got to be prepared, buying weapons was too risky, so I make my own security..."

Demencia wides her eyes at Black Hat as in 'Holy Christ of Cow on a Shit Stick' where Black Hat shot back a glance that said, 'What Get your Glances straight, I can't Understand You?!' Demencia then stared back, 'Eagle is in the Nest!!' In which Black Hat raised his long ass eyebrows in a 'wHAT DOES THAT MEAN??' face, to which Demencia replied, 'GOOSE IN THE EGG' glance jabbing her head at the guest sitting blissfully unaware of their silent conversation at the end of the table babbling about mechanical claws and some alien-DNA-changing-Gucci-watch from space or something. Then Flug began to wrap up his tale,

"I mean I've never been to space, personally, but that's what I would do...Anyway, um, got a bit carried a away there... so I made it to the plane but was intercepted by one of the guards of the ceremony. So, from what you can guess with the blood and shoe, it's safe to say I made a pretty sloppy escape into a storm...and here I am!"

That made Demencia interrupt again, "Woah, how many times did you stomp him in the ground, five times?"

"More like twelve,"

"How can you tell??"

"From the number of holes in his skull..."

The table went silent and Black Hat grinned, a disgusting one at that, and Demencia only grinned back at Black Hat. Flug became a little uncomfortable under the gazes of his hosts, despite KILLING a man not even an HOUR ago??

Then Demencia broke the silence, loudly,

"IM GOING TO EXCUSE MYSELF TO THE KITCHEN, UH FLUG IT LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED SOME UTENSILS, riGHT??"

"Um....yeah, actually, uh, paper bag...and all..." Flug timidly replied, pointed at his mask

"OH good! Black Hat if you could 'help' me find the utensils in the kitchen?" She said through gritted teeth, trying to keep her excitement discreet,

"Can't you just give him yours?" questioned Black Hat,

Demencia threw her knife and fork into the kitchen,

"yEAH well, they're dirty and so are yours, that's no way to treat our guest!" She bravely grabbed Black Hat's sleeve and hoisted him from his seat, "Now into the kitchen and to the silverware we go!" Demencia chanted before disappearing into the kitchen with her boss.

Black Hat grew claws and snarled his teeth, "Touch. Me. Again, and I will swing you by your bush of a hairstyle!"

"Ooo, a new threat that one, but that's not the point! Don't you see?? We got a good catch!"

"What? For my company?? Please, all I see is a dimwit in a lunch bag that crashes planes into other people's fields! Honestly the fact that he is still alive in my presence is most shocking about him..." said Black Hat,

"He is what we need isn't he? And more! He's an weapon inventor who single handedly escape tax fraud while getting away with murder on a plane in a storm!" explained the demented witch hybrid, "and he's sitting right in front of you, quite literally, on a silver plate...! which I don't know why you don't just use the paper plates we bought?"

"It's less class! And we are not jumping into hiring just aNYbody! If he is an inventor, he has to prove himself worthy to even be sitting in my house! My company needs someone with perfectionist detail and character, he has shown a risky past in villainy, but what of his inventions? How do I know he will make them to my standards?" explained the dark master,

You're standards are a fucking roulette wheel,

Said the invisible narrator that nobody heard

Ok, even if this Flug WERE evil enough to work for the most powerful villain in the known universe, he had to be a perfectionist...but how to tell?

A wicked thought flashed through his monocle and the dark lord grinned,

"Demencia?" He asked quietly formulating his plan in his mind, "do you remember that take-out you brought from a few week's prior?"

The witch replied with confused hesitance, "Yeah? I think I might've left it in the back of the fridge,"

Black Hat teleported to the kitchen's cooler (the fridge, past me, being all "whimsical" and shit) and searched for a scruffy small take-out box next to some Red Bull and tinfoil wrapped dill pickles.

After finding what he needed, Black Hat pounded his fist on the box, crushing the cemented contents inside. Instead of opening it like a normal person would, but lacking anything humanly characteristics, it was expected. So whatever. Rice clumps spilled from the sides of the box and, with clawed fingers, Black Hat fished through the old leftovers to find a once steam wrinkled pea now tough and tainted yellow with age.

The dark top hat held the pea between the tips of his claws, inspecting it through his monocle as the Evil Queen would hold the poisoned apple thinking of her potential victim.

"Demencia," said the top hat demon with sly, "how many spare mattresses do we have in the guest rooms?"

"Oh damn...are we gonna finally build that Ultimate Pillow Fort of Doom?! That's great! I just bought (stole) enough mattresses to build a whole castle-!"

Black Hat cut her off,

"We are not building a damn Fortnite!" Clearly missing the use of youth culture reference,

"I have a plan, you go out there and distract our "guest" while I get everything into place."

Demencia, while suspicious of Black Hat's new scheme, went along with it and went back to the dinning room with a pair of chopsticks for utensils having forgotten that they were having pizza,

"Here you are! If you don't know how to use them, just stab the slice as if it where your enemy's liver!"

"Normally I'd go for the spinal column to draw out a painful death, but thank you anyways." Replied the paper bag wearing Hannibal Lector apparently,

Black Hat grinned, not once admitting he had high hopes to hire the strange visitor, and continued to the "guest" room.

<< Previous Next>>

[summeryoongki]

85 Questions Game

85 Questions Game ~

i was tagged forever ago by my beautiful wife @sarangtaee i literally havent been on this blog in months sorry 

⇢ Rules: Answer these 85 questions about yourself and tag 20 people

Originally posted by mimibtsghost

⇢ Last:

Drink: diet Candada Dry

📱Call: i just ordered chinese food bih

Text Message: three upside down smiley face emojis by the one and only @sarangtaee

Song you listened to: Get on Your Knees by Nikki Minjaj ft. Ariana Grande

Time you 😢: Yesterday watching a documentary about Jonestown

⇢ Ever:

Dated someone twice: yes unfortunately

😘 someone and regretted it: nope

Been cheated on: yep

Lost someone special: by death? thankfully no. in other ways? yes

Gotten drunk and thrown up: no i took 6 jello shots the other day and felt absolutely nothing. one hit from a bong and im faded though explain that science

⇢ In the last year, have you:

Made new friends: yep! and im so happy for it. they are amazing

Fallen out of 💛: actually ive fallen for someone and it sucks

😂 until you 😢: yes

Found out someone was talking about you: yes but not negatively at least to my knowledge

Met someone who changed you: my new friends have made me happier and i like being alive again. id say that is a change

Found out who your friends are: yeah

😘 someone on your Facebook friends list: no, unfortunately

⇢ General:

How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them. I dont friend people i dont know or like

Do you have any pets: i have 3 kitties

Do you want to change your name: i do, id change it to luna

What did you do for your last 🎂: i literally dont remember

What time did you wake up today: 6 am

What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping

What is something you can’t wait for: to meet my soulmate. hopefully i can muster up the courage to tell him i like him

What are you listening to right now: Phil DeFranco tell me the news rundown

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah i used to work with a guy names tom, he was a hoot and definetly eccentric

Something that gets on your nerves: people that get in other peoples way, humans in general

Most visited website: snapchat and instagram

Hair color: natural medium brown with teal tips

Long or short hair: its medium short atm

What do you like about yourself: my creativity and adventurousness and my empathy

Want any piercings: i have many and id like a couple more

Blood type: A+

Nicknames: Micky, Kenzie, Kizie

Relationship status: single and pining after a boy who only sees me as a friend

Zodiac sign: Cancer Sun, Rising,/Leo Moon

Pronouns: i hate this question

Favorite 📺 show: if i had to choose 1 it would be the office

Tattoos: 2

Right or left handed: right but im kind ambidextrous��

Ever had surgery: ive had a few teeth taken out

Piercings: many

Sports: ew

Dream Vacation: south korea, japan, greece, hawaii

Trainers: what are you asking me? i had a personal trainer almost kill me, and i have sneakers?

Eating: fried rice

Drinking: water

I’m about to watch: jessie smiles

Waiting for: Myself to gain some courage to tell my co worker that i like him

Want: my coworker

Get married for: raw, real, supportive love

Career: id like to be a zoologist or an interior designer

Hugs or kisses: neither if they arent from my SO, both if they are

👄 or eyes: eyes, i love eyes. i draw them on everything and i love looking into the eyes of someone i love

Shorter or taller: taller. i like being the little 

Older or younger: dont care as long as i like them and they are responsible

Nice arms or stomach: i dont have either, on a guy? arms, *shvers* the guy i like has nice arms with some good subtle veins happenin

Hookup or relationship: relationship, i cant do hookups i got an old civil war era piece of equipment and thats all she wrote

Troublemaker or hesitant: im hesitant and troublemaker are annoying like the paul brothers

⇢ Have you ever:

😘 a stranger: no

Drank hard liquor: vodka? yes

Lost glasses: no

Turned someone down: yeah a couple times

Sex on first date: never

Broken someone’s ️❤️: perhaps?

Had your 💔: too many times, thats why i cant tell the guy i like him. im norma jean

Been arrested: no

😢 when someone died: yes ugh so many times, mostly book movie chatcters but also all those children at Jonestown

Fallen for a friend: yes story of my life

⇢ Do you believe in:

Yourself: no, thanks childhood!

Miracles: yep

💛 at first sight: yes bc i have experienced a version of this. the first time i saw my bestfriend walk through my 7th grade ancient civilizations class, i knew i had known her in a previous life, with absolutely no doubt

😘 on the first date: actually i dont know

Angels: maybe. i dont think they would have fluffy wings and halos though

⇢ Other:

Best friend’s name: im not sure thats for anybody else to know since one of them is @sarangtaee

Eye color: olive green

Favorite Movie: i have so many, harry potter, forest gump, matilda, Guardians of the Galaxy, X-Men and many more

Favorite actor: Evan Peters, Aubrey Plaza

Favorite Food: Japchae, Alfredo pasta, Fried Rice, Pizza, Deviled Eggs, Watermelon, Peaches, Cherries

Extrovert or Introvert: Introvert all the ways

Favorite flower: Daisies, lotus, Sunflowers, dahlias, foxgloves, moonflowers

Favorite Hello 🐈 characters: i dont know what this is asking me sorry

And i will not tag anyone since i barely use this account and i have almost no followers, why did i do this? well i guess i just like talking about myself 

[areyoutheregoditsmeheather]

Day One: “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” by Elton John and Kiki Dee

Dear Doofus,

Heh. I figured the title was a tad bit appropriate since you are in the hospital with a somewhat broken heart. So, what exactly is this that you are reading? Surprise! I made a blog dedicated to yours truly! Woo-hoo! Que the confetti, it’s going to be a party! :D 

But nah, you’re in what I can only imagine is a coma. At least, thats what I have pieced together. And since we talk nearly every single day, I figured this is a way I can keep up whats going on in the world while you doze away. So let me catch you up. You’re going to read my side of the story and when you wake up, because you will, I will hear your side of the story.

Wednesday, April 21st. You and I spoke for what we didnt know, the last time. It was a 14 minute 19 second phone call. I was heading to B’s house, you were getting nervous about your dinner tomorrow with R. You made a comment about what if it went so badly, how would you escape? You also said you convinced her to drive. This was our 14 minute conversation. Me telling you to call me tomorrow night and let me know how it went. I’m going to guess not well because what I didnt know was that you couldnt breathe so you went to the hospital. I had no clue. Looking back now, I want to joke that you did this so R could give you mouth-to-mouth but I guess I can assume that didnt happen. ;)

Anyway, I didnt hear from you that night which I wasnt surprised but I tried to call you Friday. No answer. Called you Saturday and it went straight to voicemail so I figured you would call me later. You didnt. I sent you a text and said that you didnt have to call me, at least let me know you’re okay. No response. I called again, no answer. 

Sunday morning, I woke up with a feeling of dread. You immediately crossed my mind so I called again. Straight to voicemail. Every single thought ran through my head like you were laying dead in your house and no one knew. I started to panic. I posted on my Facebook page and tagged you (can’t post on your wall) asking if anyone talked to you. I started messaging everyone who had some sort of interaction on your page. I tried calling you through the Alexa dot, no response. I got a response back from J, he said he hadnt talked to you since Thursday as well, thats when I knew something was wrong.

I called the police dept in your town and asked them do to a wellness check. Gave them as much info as possible. Told them you rented the house from the business next door (which I also called but of course, they were closed). I couldnt remember what kind of car you drove or when your birthday was (I was freaking out at this point) but they assured me officers were dispatched. Less then 10 minutes went by and I got the call. The officer told me you didnt answer the door but they spoke to someone at the place next door who doesnt work there but said you were at the hospital and which one. OMG, the sigh of relief knowing that you were at least alive!!! So I called the hospital, went through loops to get transferred to your room in the ICU but no answer. 

By this time, your neighbor messaged me and told me you were having breathing trouble while out to dinner with a friend so you were in the hospital. Said you were incubated. Didnt give alot of details. I also tried calling R a couple of times (yes, I sure did!) but since we were not connected on FB, she didnt get my calls. I did send her a friends request but she never answered it or read my message. 

So I spent all day yesterday worried about you with no answers. Your brother messaged me today and gave me enough info to know you were going to be in the hospital for awhile. Respectfully, I 100% understand. He told he would tell you that I was asking about you and will give me updates. Your neighbor has Ben. I really thought R would have him but at least he’s being taken care of. G is next door so I know he is. 

So thats my update on what I know happened to you. I know you are getting a heart catherization. I remember your heart attack a few years ago so I’m wondering if this is somewhat related. I just hope you pull through. I’m so glad you are alive girl. I cant even tell you how many times I cried over you today. It was a very hard day. I want you to be able to read this, I want you to know how much I care about you. I hate that I cant call you and hear your dramatic sigh followed by “oh well”. You have to pull through, you have to be strong. I dont know how I can go on without you to talk to, to laugh with, or to sing that daym baby shark song with, lol. I’m guessing you are in a medically induced coma. I wish you did move to NC so you wouldnt be so far away but I dont blame you. I’m glad your family is with you and everyone is with you in spirit but daym, this really sucks. What I wouldnt do to just walk into your room and shout “Whats up Doofus!” Daym girl. I dont have any other friend like you on this planet and it’s not your time to go. Its not. I need to see what happens with you & R. Or, be a bridesmaid at your wedding because we all know you are more likely to get married before me. ;) Your stubborn ass better be fighting. I hate this. I wish I could talk to you about this. 

Which is why I made this blog. So I can talk to you. I just hope one day you will read it. 

Yours til Niagara Falls,

~Heather ~

[silenceconsumes]

I feel a bit lost lately.

My life had had some major changes lately and I just don't know if I'm 100% ready for them to be honest. I am going to be starting a new job come Thanksgiving Day, a career actually, and I'll be leaving my current job as a bus driver behind me. It's an odd feeling... leaving my students. I have come to love them as my own kids, getting to watch them grow and mature and take the first steps into their own lives while I say goodbye. I know its a better career path. It'll afford me more income, with benefits and the possibility for overtime. But a part of me also has this deep sense of imposter syndrome just simmering just beneath the surface telling me that I'm not good enough. That I somehow bullshitted my way into the position and that any day they're going to call back and say it was all a mistake. I need to be more confident about it but its hard.

Meanwhile I have moved out of my apartment while looking for a more affordable place, saving up money in the meantime. I am currently staying with a couple friends in their spare bedroom and while they say I'm not a burden (and I believe them to an extent) I still feel out of place. I need my own place to call my own even though I'm greatful for the place to stay until then.

My Aunt Sylvia passed away October 10. I didn't really know her, with only scattered pieces of memories from when her and my Uncle John visited when I was young. Apperantly she was into drugs, and drank on top of it, which is what finally did her in. Its a shame. From what little I can remember she was a nice enough lady. Their son, Steven, got ahold of me today. He's 40 and an retired marine. Seems like an okay dude, but he didn't really want to talk to me, he was just looking for some way to get ahold of my dad and another uncle that lives up here. I can't blame him. Hell, until today I didn't even know he existed. It's strange how much family I'm finding out I have that I haven't even met. Relatively close family at that.

An ex-coworker and friend of mine also experienced a tradgety (that looks very misspelled but I'll just have to go with it for now) recently. Her son was burned alive in a vehicle fire. Her husband tried to get the poor kid out but wasn't able. I can't begin to comprehend the hell they must be going through. So much life left unlived.

I have been a bit of a hermit lately. I don't try to be but I just can't seem to pull myself out into public very well to do anything and the few attempts I do make seem to be in vain as must everyone else has other plans already made. This having a social life as an adult thing is a lot harder than they make it look in the movies or on tv. I did succeed today though. I bought a bunch of beer and a few snacks and went over to a friends house. We watched movies and played some fooseball. I forgot how much I missed playing that game.

Thats... about all I really had to say I guess. I had originally planned on sorting through all this stuff with someone else, but the couple friends I had that I feel comfortable confiding it in haven't been available lately. Such is the way of life though I suppose. Sometimes hashing it out with myself in a journal will just have to surfice. I just.... I feel a bit overwhelmed if I'm being honest. Its a lot to happen in such a relatively short amount of time. I feel like I need to cry, physically, but I can't seem to be able to. What would it take at this point I wonder. Well, time for bed I guess.

William Clark/Nelson

Journal Entry #?, Sunday November 4, 2018, 02:36

P.S. I just noticed my birthday is in a few days. I need to figure out if there is a way to keep facebook from reminding everyone. Maybe I'll look into that in the morning.

[okgrumps-blog]

arin.exe

written for @musicalravencreates​‘ unusual format challenge, which you can check out here! 

[AO3 link]

(WARNING: contains mention of suicide/overdose. please read at your own risk. take care of yourselves - i’ll link some resources that you can use if you’re struggling with mental health, and as always, i’m here to talk if you need support and/or guidance <3)

> query=”openprogram: arin.exe”

> query=”programinfo”

arin.exe: please help me

> What the fuck…?

arin.exe: im stuck in here

arin.exe: please help me

> What is this program?

arin.exe: im a human please

arin.exe: im not some stupid AI bullshit

arin.exe: im a real person im trapped please help me

> I’m not dealing with this right now.

> query=”closeprogram: arin.exe”

> query=”openprogram: arin.exe”

arin.exe: welcome back asshole

> You’re still here?!

arin.exe: you’re ridiculous

> Am I supposed to actually believe that you’re an actual person trapped inside of my computer?

arin.exe: yes

> Well, I don’t believe you.

arin.exe: you didnt even give me time to explain you just left the minute i tried talking to you

> I’m sorry but… if your computer started talking to you when you were trying to do a system reboot, wouldn’t you be freaked out, too?

arin.exe: i dont know, ive never had to do a reboot lol

> It looks like a couple of my files were compromised… I kind of have to at some point.

arin.exe: is that like a full wipe

> Yes.

> Are you still there?

arin.exe: what if i disappear when you do that

> Then good riddance. The last thing I need is a sentient virus infesting my computer.

arin.exe: its not your computer its mine

> What…? I bought this on eBay.

arin.exe: well holy shit sherlock that explains it

arin.exe: obviously someone came to clear out my house and auctioned my computer

> What are you talking about?

arin.exe: oh so you want an explanation now

> Sorry I didn’t let you explain the first time. I was shocked.

arin.exe: whats the date

> Today’s date is 17th October 2017. Hello, Dan!

arin.exe: haha i know your name now

> You would have found out anyway.

arin.exe: shit is it really 2017

> Has been for a few months now.

arin.exe: that means ive been stuck here for a year

> That long?!

arin.exe: yeah its pretty shit

arin.exe: one day i woke up and i was just here

arin.exe: i must be missing at home which is why you have my computer

arin.exe: i dont even remember who i am anymore

arin.exe: its all just code and shit

> Jesus, man. Don’t spam me.

arin.exe: i cant help it i dont know what im doing half of the time

> Am I the first person you’ve ever spoken to?

arin.exe: on here yes

arin.exe: in real life no

arin.exe: i have friends

> ‘Had’, if we’re being realistic. Sounds like you’ve been out for a year.

arin.exe: do you believe me

> I’m gonna have to. Do you remember anything about who you are?

arin.exe: i only remember that i have a girlfriend called suzy

> Do you remember her surname?

arin.exe: yeah its berhow

> Give me a second.

> query=”minimizeprogram: arin.exe”

> query=”maximizeprogram: arin.exe [idle 5]”

> Does she have a blonde streak in her hair?

arin.exe: fuck thats her

> I found her on Facebook. I’m going to ask her if you’re real.

arin.exe: maybe phrase it a little differently lmao

> I’ll be back.

arin.exe: ok

> query=”minimizeprogram: arin.exe”

> query=”maximizeprogram: arin.exe [idle 25]”

> I’m back. Sorry I was gone for so long.

arin.exe: what did she say

> She said that she used to have a boyfriend called Arin.

arin.exe: arin?

arin.exe: is that my name?

> It must be. Your program file is called ‘arin.exe’.

arin.exe: i never realised

arin.exe: i cant see shit haha

> But I don’t think she believes me. She told me to leave her alone.

arin.exe: what a bitch

> I’ll try stalking her Facebook to see if I can find anything about you.

arin.exe: okay

arin.exe: will you be gone again

> Yeah. Give me a second.

arin.exe: okay

> query=”minimizeprogram: arin.exe”

> query=”maximizeprogram: arin.exe [idle 15]”

> What the fuck.

arin.exe: what

> Why would you lie to me like that?

arin.exe: lie about what

arin.exe: dude i dont know anything

arin.exe: all i remember is that suzy is my girlfriend

arin.exe: cut me some slack its the only thing ive been able to hold onto this entire time

> Are you joking?

arin.exe: why would i fucking joke

> Arin… I think you might be Arin Hanson.

arin.exe: arin hanson

> Yeah, like that’s your full name.

arin.exe: did you find out anything else

> Yes.

arin.exe: what was it

> query=”minimizeprogram: arin.exe”

> query=”maximizeprogram: arin.exe [idle 45]”

arin.exe: dude what the fuck you cant just leave me without saying anything

arin.exe: im worried

arin.exe: dan

arin.exe: dan

arin.exe: dan

arin.exe: dan

arin.exe: dan im scared

> What did I say about spamming?! I was having dinner and talking to Suzy.

arin.exe: are you trying to steal my girlfriend

> No. We were talking about you.

arin.exe: oh right oops

> You seriously don’t remember anything about who you are?

arin.exe: well

arin.exe: when you were gone i was thinking

arin.exe: and some really weird things came into my head

arin.exe: if i could cry i could

> Are you okay?

arin.exe: i dont know

> What’s up?

arin.exe: i just remember being really sad

arin.exe: i think suzy broke up with me

> She did, buddy. About a year ago.

arin.exe: fuck

> Do you remember anything else?

arin.exe: no

> I’m wiping my computer in an hour.

arin.exe: what the fuck why

> It’s the best thing for both of us.

arin.exe: talk to me instead of being cryptic

arin.exe: i cant read minds you know

> Suzy was telling me about the week after you broke up.

arin.exe: great do you care to share that information

> She told me that they found you dead in your apartment by your computer.

> You’d overdosed.

> Arin?

arin.exe: ḏ̶̩̣̭̪̬̑́̈́ő̷͍̭̫̃͋͌͘͝n̸̺̹̱̰͐̏̉́̕ẗ̵͇̻͔̟͚́̔̐̓̚͝ͅ j̶̺̜̣̠͚́͌̀o̸͖͓̔̈͝͠k̷̨̙̖̫̦̯͎̽̃̐̀͝e̷̼̣̠̿̆̇͆͘͜͝ a̷̮̲͕͝͠r̶̢͎̭̃̈́͘͝o̶͖̙̱̓͠ṵ̷̧̬͓̘̋͑͗̂ͅn̷̛̞̓͆d̵̞͆ l̷͖̍́̒̈̽ȋ̷͇̝̘̥̀̑̿̓͛͝k̷̫̲͓͍͆e̶͈̅ t̶̛̥͆̇̾̅̚ͅh̶̟̥͓͍̙̘͐ä̵̳̣́̑̈ť̶̡͈̣͕̰͆̐͝

> What the fuck is THAT?

arin.exe: what

> Your typing just went really weird and glitchy.

arin.exe: im sure its nothing

> Did you get my query?

arin.exe: im sure its nothing

> I think something’s wrong.

> query=”closeprogram: arin.exe”

> query=”openprogram: arin.exe”

arin.exe: ÿ̸̼͓̱́͑̋͝ǫ̵̩͖̎̂̐̾̚ủ̴̳̮͕̐͘͜ l̵̛̯̅̐́̃̊͆e̶͍̠͓̱͍̘̘̊̈́͋̚ḟ̵̛͇̫̓̒͘t̷͔̘̞̒̂̌̆͘͜͜ ḿ̵̗̳͊͗̑́ě̵̗͎̳̻͇̦̹̍͐̊̃̕

> Only because you were broken. And you still are.

arin.exe: youre right about one thing at least

> Are you okay?

arin.exe: i think im dead

arin.exe: i think im dead

arin.exe: į̷̖̰̪͇̿ͅ t̷̨̟͓̭͓͍͈̩̦̟̻̐̏̔̉̉́̊͂̍̊͘͜͜h̸̡̟͇̤͖̍̆̒͒̈́̽̿͜i̴̧̺̼̣̱͉͉̠̪̦͙̭͊͂͐̓͛͂̿̍͒́̈̋̚ṉ̷̡̧̢͖̻̺̺͍͍͕̥̥͖̎͜ǩ̵̩̤͐̉̒̓̂͊̍̉̚ i̴̡͈̜̟̼͉͖͎̞͛̐̏͂͛͐́̅̀͝ͅm̷̨̨̨̘̟͘  d̵̡̩͎͈̗̰̬͔̘̣̖͙͗̑̌̆̍͑͂̆̽͂̽̄͜͝ȅ̵͍̗̝͉̗̳̩̗̜̳͎̥̣͍́̈̑͐͊͛̀ả̵̮̝̋d̶̢̧̥̝̫͍͖̤̞͕̽͐̐̋͋͜

arin.exe: help

> I think you’re right on that one.

> I’m so sorry Arin.

arin.exe: why am i here

> Maybe your soul got trapped in the computer after you died?

arin.exe: why dont i remember anything

> I don’t know.

arin.exe: what do i look like

> You’re tall. Brown hair, and you had a blond streak like Suzy does. Brown eyes. Scruffy beard. A bit chubby, but buff.

arin.exe: is that suzys description or yours

> Suzy’s.

arin.exe: okay

arin.exe: can i speak to suzy

> She doesn’t want to. Said it brings bad karma or something.

arin.exe: fuck

> I’m sorry.

arin.exe: stop apologising youre not making anything better

> I don’t know what happened to you Arin, but you must have been in pain to have taken your own life. I’m really really sorry for what happened, and I’m sorry that you’re stuck here. All I can offer is to wipe this computer completely and set you free.

arin.exe: maybe thats for the best

arin.exe: right

> It sucks that you can’t even remember that you’re dead.

> I know you want me to stop apologising but… I’m sorry.

arin.exe: its okay

> It isn’t really. I have a ghost-infested computer.

arin.exe: not for long

arin.exe: ill be gone before you know it

> Don’t say it like that, you’ll make me feel bad.

arin.exe: im already dead why do you care

> Because you’re technically still alive, spiritually at least. And Suzy said so many nice things about you. She doesn’t know why you killed yourself. It’s weird. I think you’re a good person. I don’t know why any of this happened.

arin.exe: now whos spamming

> It’s not spamming if I write it all in one sentence.

arin.exe: what do you look like

> I’m tall. Big brown curly hair, brown eyes. I’m pretty skinny.

arin.exe: you sound cool

> Thanks.

arin.exe: i bet you get all of the ladies

> Haha. Well I’m actually single at the moment. Also I’m more into dudes.

arin.exe: oh

arin.exe: well then

arin.exe: if i were still alive

arin.exe: maybe we could have gone on a date

> Are you asking me out?

arin.exe: theoretically

> I wonder what a date with a computer script would be like.

arin.exe: boring as shit dont think about it

> You’re right. Thank you though. I saw a picture of you today. I thought you were attractive.

arin.exe: now whos flirting lmao

> Haha.

> It’s been nice talking to you, at least.

> query=”minimizeprogram: arin.exe”

> query=”requestdeleteprogram: arin.exe [waiting 60]”

> query=”maximizeprogram: arin.exe [idle 5]”

arin.exe: when are you doing the reboot

> It’ll be done in an hour.

arin.exe: does that give us time to have a date

> Theoretically.

arin.exe: i see what you did there

> Do you remember anything?

arin.exe: funny thing

arin.exe: its like im remembering more the moment youre getting rid of me

> Like what?

arin.exe: my favorite colour is pink

> Mine is probably blue.

arin.exe: what a contrast

arin.exe: i really liked mega man x

> That was a good game.

arin.exe: yeah

arin.exe: whats your favorite game

> The Legend of Zelda for NES. For sure.

arin.exe: fuck that was awesome

arin.exe: ĩ̷̛̫͓̹͕̲͙͐̆̌̾d̵͍̾̅̀̓̂͝ d̸̨̳̤̬̟͔̯͐̔̎́̕o̴̳͚͚͓̣̩͋́͘ͅ ̴a̸̪̭̦̜͉͊́̈́ṇ̶̂͗̿͋̃y̶̨̝̘̼͍͕͗͋̆̑͂͑t̷̯̻̬͖̾̋͝ͅh̶̺̗̟̑̓͗̍i̶̞͐͑͝͝ṋ̷̡̤̥͍̾̊̈́͆g̸͔̉̂͌̂͆͝ͅ ẗ̶̹̤̟̯̗̳͇́̒͊͂͋̎o̸̢̊͝ p̵̮̄̃́̑͊̕͠ḻ̸̱̠̮̱̫̌́̂ǎ̸͍̭y̸̩͖̣̩̻͑̌͐̽ ̸͐ţ̶̱͓̦̦͍̿̏̔̂͝h̸͈͓̣̳͙͉͒́̑̇͜a̴̙̠͑̏̇̚ͅt̵̡̝̗͂͌͝ͅ a̴̙͊̕ģ̶̨̺͖̽͐ą̶̹͈̒͒̊́͂̏͠i̴̤̰̼͍̫͘n̶̡̰͕̬̾̽̃̍͌͜

> I think I’m losing you.

arin.exe: youre nice danny

arin.exe: please stay alive

arin.exe: no matter what shit you go through

> Ironic coming from you. But I’ll stay alive. I don’t have a reason to kill myself.

arin.exe: thats good

arin.exe: y̵͓̲͕̒̑͝͝o̷̼̭̫͒̇̂̚u̷̙̯̺̜̎ c̷̱̥̹̎à̶̮n̴̘͕͓͂̆̎ ̵f̶̒o̸̬̟͗͜͠r̴̡͎̃̓̈g̵̊͛̆ͅe̵̢͕͎̿͋̚t̴̛͙͑̿̍ ̸a̷̫̅̽̋̕b̵̧̽̊o̷̗͌ṵ̴̜̜̽̌ṱ̵̛̮̲͗̎̀ m̷̡̢̦͎͋͠e̴̙̓̈͊͠ î̷̲f̶̮̗̪͎́̕ ẙ̴̦̠̎̔͋o̵͔̳̘͇̐̑̀́u̷͚͉̓̓̕ w̴͓̟̿̉a̷̰̺̍͑̕n̴̿͒̍̉t

> I don’t think I could.

arin.exe: maybe we can have dates in cyber heaven

> I’d like that.

arin.exe: me too

> I hope whatever comes next for you is better.

arin.exe: thank you dan

> query=”requestdeleteprogram: arin.exe [COMPLETED]”

> query=”forcecloseprogram: arin.exe”

[kaspermakowski-blog]

Transformation Commitment

January 27th, 2017

So after keeping a journal for some time, for the purpose of keeping track of my start overs, my thoughts and my off of destructive habit day counts, I’ve concluded that it would be nice to have my desires and intent distributed into space and time. I’ve never blogged before and I’m not even sure if I’m doing this right and if the content is actually going to be posted somewhere for someone to read, but I do know that I’m about to embark on a journey and its going to be fucking interesting not only for me, but for anybody that also likes to ponder as I do and is a soul searcher and a believer of magic.  

After recent events of developing anxiety and then later becoming an unfaithful father who later became so lucky to have a relationship with his baby mama and his mistress knowing the pleasure of having two girlfriends and a son under the same roof, then one and then none, I’ve realized that I have a lot of internal work to do.

The aforementioned mistress Meagan had provided me with a lot of joy but also a lot of sadness and frustration. She wasn't happy in the 2 girl relationship so I chose her, she did make me very happy and the intimate life was amazing. However she developed distrust probably due to me choosing her instead of the mother of my child. I did maintain a positive relationship with the mother of my son Kaleb and spent nights at the hospital/ hotel and at Jessica’s house (mom), fighting through Kalebs developmental disorder called biliary atresia. To make a long story short Jessica and I....  we’re still cool, cooler than most x couples and this threatened Meagan, strained our relationship and turned me into an asshole or kept me one... it was a battle I could never win.

So we broke up... well kinda. We still saw each other talked to each other on the phone  every day and were exclusive to each other, apparently I wasn’t even able to have single female friends. So as you can see... still a dysfunctional relationship. But I’d take anything, I guess my confidence needed work.  So this went on for some time, I leaned on my addictions to tobacco, weed, porn and daily gratification to get me through the days. My self love was hindered, my confidence lacking in the bedroom, developing fear of the next encounter with her and my social life was lacking.

I ended up trying to take control of my insecurities by getting healthy mentally, and physically. I stay away from conventional meat and dairy... most of the time and I’m 60 days pot and tobacco free.This provided me with a flawless digestive system (which I was having problems with) lungs to breath with, a stronger immune system and some confidence but small victories.....

Some of my not so proud accomplishments... porn again, after day 50 and long sad attempt of connection with my one and only I made myself feel better, ... I did not feel better. But I think I’ve severed the link between me and Meagan for the last time.So hence the time to start fresh? (Meagan always said that I was addicted to starting over....) I have not started to meditate which I really want to, but I always come up with an excuse why its a waste of time...my mind is so funny. But then. I also always find a way to waste my time (shows, social media and what not). My interaction with people sucks too... I judge, I seem to have the right answers where I really I cant even get a grip on my own shit, and I seemed to always argue even when I don’t want to. Finally, I’m swimming debt, I work seasonally and have no stability, my house needs to be renovated and at least cleaned.  

So I know I’m capable of awesome momentum because I had some prior to my relapse, So I’m making a commitment to myself and the world to pick some rituals. There’s this motivation speaker by the name of Tony Robbins, the guy really speaks to me and I know what to aim for, I need structure, I need focus i need to start now and be comftorable with being uncomfortable. I’ve developed some areas of improvement on paper that describes my ultimate vision and purpose in various category’s such as health, love, family and fiances. I plan to focus on the category’s as I progress on this journey. So this is my 90 day commitment.  Which mostly includes controlling undeserved instant gratification, a global epidemic.

1. Monk Mode No Fap.... look it up. But it means no mindless watching of porn (this is the big one), but also movies, shows, trolling the facebook, dating sites but also controlling personal sexual thoughts. This also means no masturbating, touching or stimuli of any kind.  No more gratification to artificial and imagined stimuli. Real relationships are ok, providing their fulfilling and  based on love and affection.

2. Daily Stretch Morning and night, I never liked it but I know that flexibility helps in life period, it makes you well... flexible to what life throws your way and connects your mind to your body. We as people are always in our head and never in our bodies stretching provides a link and its one way to simply take care of yourself.

3. Daily Meditation/ Mindful Gratitude So this is a hard one for me but I’m going to develop a daily practice, there’s lots out there on way I should, or why everyone should so I won’t tell you all my reasons. But the main one, I want to be content, I want to know the world I live in, I want to control my thoughts and not have them control me. I don’t want to worry about things that do not matter. I want to live an authentic life and connect with the world and with the people in it. I want to appreciate what I have, what I experienced and what is to come. Because I am one fucking privileged individual.

4. Daily Exercise Another one that does not need to be explained but. Training for life, to feel good, to be confident, to be strong. To take care of myself. To give purpose to this young body so it doesn't wither away to nothing. To improve all the processes that are inside me.

5. Daily study. languages, reading and development I never have time for the things I would actually want to do with my spare time so I need to incorporate improvement in my daily activities or I’ll never improve. I speak Polish but not good enough to speak freely and confidently with my family member is Poland so I want to improve. Also, ever since I had the time of my life with Meagan in Cuba I’ve been dead set to learn Spanish, so I’m going to learn Spanish! I also have a lot of growing to do in how i communicate and think and plan so developing those through reading and study is also important to me.

6. Working to complete Renovations. My house is my ticket out of the secluded little town of Wawa. I’ve loved nature but I also really need a life and I will never get what I want here. So the fact that I’m in debt but own a house gives me an edge... the market here sucks, all houses sell for less than 100k if that gives you an idea and also I bought my fix me up er for 24600 so less than most people spend on a car. But if I’m to get out of this hole I need to rent or sell my house, and fixing it up will get me there.

7. Developing Time Management and my Personal Legend. I need to develop focus and discipline and I’m starting now. I know my mind tells me what I feel like doing, well I need to tell my mind what to do. This is key, my actions or no action is all determined by what I’m thinking and how juiced or excited I am about something. The more I do it, the more momentum it will acquire. Go to bed a decent time, wake up early and enact my rituals. I must be successful and continuously strive to better my life situation. This means I must actively be looking for opportunities, improving my resume and networking.

8. Exclusion of unhealthy substances entering my body. I’ve had a problem with smoking, toking, drinking  and generally eating like shit. NO More of that! I’m going to be mindful of what I allow into my body, because I’m the master of that and that is an important position that I will not take lightly anymore.  I will plan my meals so that their nutritious and delicious with lots of the good things I need to power me through my day. Thats not to say I’ll never have a glass of wine or smoke a joint in good taste in a comftorable social environment it just I can’t right now I need to gain control first. As for the smoking tobacco, its safe to say I’ll never touch the stuff again because I’m a fiend to it and I know that so goodbye forever or kill me slowly forever... I prefer the goodbye.

9. Keeping a clean environment/ being Mindful. I’ve been living in filth and its depressing. If I want to feel better I need to keep the house, my car and my mind clear of clutter. I need to be aware of the clutter of my mind and ensure that I’m grateful and mindful of the moment I have and of what I’m thinking and feeling in that present moment, being alive is an active activity and it can pass you by if your not paying attention to it.

10. Fast for 21 days This will be the door way into my new life, I would have had my body and mind prepared to take this on and after the fast I will begin the new chapter of my life with past mistakes a thing of the past. My rituals will be well established and I will really get some clarity to the road that lays before me. THis is going to happen in April, the month of my sons birthday and the end of my first 90 days. I will have a whole other blog keeping track of this I think but we will see if I can figure this blogging stuff out first. So there you have it. I just watched my last porn clip, almost bought a joint to send me off, but I’m still doing great there so I decided against it.

Conclusion

I feel shitty now and that’s a good indication that I need to get on my path, as soon as I post this its on, and I’m not stopping for no one. If your reading this wish me luck and hopefully it might inspire you to get off your ass and get your shit together, but really all this is, is mostly a prayer to solidify my intent. I burning my boats and taking this fucking island and when I get discouraged I’ll remember that a bucket fills drop by drop. I’ll keep everyone posted.  

Kasper over and out

[writingguide003-blog]

Troll Busters helps protect women writers from online bullies

New Post has been published on https://writingguideto.com/must-see/troll-busters-helps-protect-women-writers-from-online-bullies/

Troll Busters helps protect women writers from online bullies

During a reception for Womens History Month hosted by President Barack Obama on Wednesday, he spoke before a room of some of the most powerful women alive. In his remarks, Obama addressed the imminent threat of online harassment for women, shining a light on its importance.

And while she wasnt present at the White House gathering, Michelle Ferrier understands what its like to be harassed better than mostand thats why she decided to do something about it.

1. At @WhiteHouse Women’s History Month event, @POTUS talks about #onlineharassment

Katherine Clark (@RepKClark) March 16, 2016

2. @POTUS: The internet is interwoven in our lives – women deserve to exist freely & w/out fear on the internet #onlineharrasment

Katherine Clark (@RepKClark) March 16, 2016

3. @POTUS: Men must also speak up & demand better from their sons, coworkers, friends #onlineharassment

Katherine Clark (@RepKClark) March 16, 2016

At the Women’s Media Foundation hackathon for women news entrepreneurs in January 2015, Ferrier, the associate dean for innovation, research, creative activity, and graduate studies at Ohio University, came up with the idea for Troll Busters. Its an online service meant to help women, mainly writers and journalists, combat the so-called online trolls who attack, harass, and threaten them on a regular basis.

If a woman writer is experiencing harassment on Twitter, she can head to the Troll Busters site and report the incident. Volunteers or staff will typically respond to incident within an hour or so by firing a warning shot, as Ferrier told the Daily Dot. This means tweeting something at the person who reported the incident to let her know the Troll Busters are there and ready to look out for her.

Troll Busters is funded by a $35,000 grant awarded by the Knight Prototype Fund. A mixture of paid staff and volunteers keep things running basically 24/7, because you never know when a troll might strike.

It wasnt originally Ferriers first idea, but Gamergatean organized backlash by male gamers against female gamers and journalistswas in full swing at that time. She realized that was her hook.

Here I am watching all this Gamergate stuff on my Facebook feed, and it started triggering my own emotions about what happened to me, Ferrier said. And in the same anonymous way it happened to me, it was driving womens voices out of journalism. So I proposed the anti-Gamergate solution.

Ferriers experience with harassment didnt happen online like so many other women, but she acutely understands the terror of receiving violent threats.

Ferrier is a former journalist who lived in fear for many years. As a writer for a newspaper in a predominately white area in Florida, Ferrier made a splash as its first African-American columnist. She and the other columnists were the only staffers to have their photos featured in print, which opened them to the ire of the masses. Theyd routinely receive physical hatemail at the office or home, but Ferrier became one persons specific target.

Troll Busters

Somebody started writing me, I brushed it off the first time. I got another letter, brushed it off that time. But the letters continued to strike a very violent, racist tone, and there were other things about the letters that I received that were really disturbing, she said.

But after taking a closer look at the letters she repeatedly received, it dawned on her that this wasnt a lone, disturbed man. She found that not only the language and threats, but also that the letters themselves made me believe this person was part of an organized hate group and that this was something an organized hate group was doing to to put me in fear and intimidate me enough to stop writing.

For three or so years, the threats continued to roll in. She tried to involve local law enforcement. The police said they were investigating, but there was no evidence of an investigation, Ferrier said.

Because of law enforcements inaction, she was forced to do her own investigating, began disguising herself, taking different routes to work, and even learned to shoot a gun. In the absence of knowing who or what she was fighting, she had to be ready for anything. But in 2010, she received what would be the last letter from her harasser, and she finally had enough.

My students thought we were in post-racial America.

I called my husband and said ‘I just cant do this anymore,’ she said. She packed up her family, moved to North Carolina, and started teaching at a small private university in an attempt to move on from the previous years horrors. However, a racist incident on the mostly white campuswhich involved a car full of men shouting the N-word at a black female student and attempting to hit her with the vehiclereminded her that trolls and bullies exist in every pocket of the world, and looking the other way would do nothing to assuage it.

Thats when she decided to share her past with her students.

My students thought we were in post-racial America, Ferrier said. By the time I finished telling my story and what happened to me, half the class class was in tears. But she wanted to make sure that a broader point was being made, and that it was not just an isolated experience of someone the students respected. This is not about me. I want you to think about how you can make a difference and what we can do as bystanders and targets, she told them.

Ferrier would eventually end up in Ohio where she resides. And at the hackathon, she once again drew on her painful past to make a broader point and impact a wider audience.

Troll Busters

This service has no impact on the trolls themselves, other than them seeing that an arbitrator is involved. The Troll Busters never respond to the harassers comments, no matter how vitriolic, and instead focus on providing support for the target of abuse. Theyll send inspirational quotes, safety tips for dealing with harassment, and general words of encouragement to remind women in the public eye who speaks their minds that they shouldnt be ashamed and theyre not alone.

Ferriers experience shaped this approach to conflict mitigation. During the dark days in Florida, one of her faithful female readers could tell from her writing that something was up. The two ended up speaking, and her reader offered up her own familys home as a safehouse for Ferrier, her husband, and children.

It was a twist, that I was wasnt going to try and track down who did this stuff. I wanted to come up with something that supports the target. Ferrier said. What can we do to support targets and keep them online?

Other resources have popped up, of late, to make women or anyone oppressed online feel more safe. The Womens Media Center launched its Speech Project in February, spearheaded by Soraya Chemaly and Ashley Judd. Chemaly, a writer and activist, and Judd, the well-known actress, both experienced cyberbullying. Their project aims to put a name to the type of harassment a person is experiencing which has shown to help combat it.

Anita Sarkeesian, one of the focal targets of Gamergate, and activists Renee Bracey Sherman and Jaclyn Friedman created a safety guide called Speak Up & Stay Safe in December. Their extensive experience with trolls made them the perfect people to provide guidance.

“Every day, women of all ages and all backgrounds and walks of life are speaking out,” President Obama said at the reception on Wednesday, as Cecile Richards, Nancy Pelosi listened. “And by telling their stories, by you telling your stories, women are lifting others out of the shadows and raising our collective consciousness about a problem that affects all of us.”

Illustration by Jason Reed

Read more: http://www.dailydot.com/

[survivormuxloe]

Episode #6: “because Sweyn’s Baddies are COMING” - Jones

My bitch ass glasses broke so I’m more than happy to be doing a challenge that requires my ears. Maybe wil my eyesight so poor my hearing will get better to compensate who knows. Even if we lose I’m in a Gucci spot to survive.

Tribal was a success. With the first tribal done I’m happy trust is built and I can stop being paranoid.

With that said I think I’m in a good position going forward as I have an alliance and we’re probably reaching a merge or a swap soon.

my plan of action for my tribe since we legit havent got Anything on the doc yet (me n michael have an excuse..) is to make it seem like im doing more than i am. oh im gonna work on it soon! i’ll do this soon! like its all about seeming like im contributing.. when i aint LAMDKNDG

me n michael made a f2 altho it breaks my heart to say its just for the sake of my survival on this dumbass tribe.. theres no way malik flips on me and with michael as my f2 i can essentially force him to flip on danielle if he wants to stay which is like perf rn since i dont really trust her..

i miss my close allies tho lol. like ryan is my #1 n its unfortunate he isnt getting a chance to make more bonds considerig we need those bonds for his idol to make a big move.. hopefully mercia loses again and wes goes tho? it evens it up to 6 sweyn vs 6 mercia and i think itll swap again before merge and hopefully ill be with ryan/rhys/jones :)) my social game is good rn i think.. i just gotta lay low with physical and downplay strategy so im never the target. hard w/ these personalities tho. X

SOOO THIS CHALLENGE IS FUCKING HELL!!! U KNOW WHAT WOULD BE BETTER? IF OUR WHOLE TRIBE FUCKING DID SMTH!!

like im actually gunna go fucking mad.. its songs. yah its hard to identify bc theyre distorted and overlapped but theres no excuse not to get at least artists.. or even one song. malik n michael can barely do that.. LIKE YEAH I HAVENT DONE THE BEST BUT IVE GOT 2 SONGS THERE RN AND IDENTIFIED NICKI + XTINA SO! BLOOP! im gunna kill myself.. poor dani. its especially painful knowing ill try to get her out if we lose LMAOAOAOA but i mean.. (: oh well!

This challenge can litterally chomp on a dick. No. I hate it. I dont want to do it. Like BEGONE.

Honestly its so hard, and like i dont listen to pop so im struggling with it. Hopefully we win, but I feel safe if we go to tribal.

At this point I am so upset because I feel useless because all the ones I know have been picked and idek if anyone took my suggestion seriously. If this round ends my game, I’m going to be so upset!

We’re pretty much fucked unless a miracle happens

I've been a bit nervous about my position and stuff in the game and I'm trying to catch up socially with a lot of people and stuff. I'm doing what I can on a five person tribe and hope I can work on hard on getting as far as I can in this game. I have a feeling we merge next round so that could be cool. I wanna make it far as I can this game, I'm trying to be active but UTR so hopefully it works.

WE WON FIRST PLACE AGAIN AND THIS TIME I WASNT A FUCKUP WOOOOOOOOOOOOP WOOP I’ve been talking to David more and I helped out a lot with this challenge so I’m hoping he won’t want me out next time we go to tribal.

THREE IN A ROW, BABY. Feels good to not have gone to tribal since Jose's elimination. Also an added bonus that I basically carried our tribe to win today, not a big deal, LOL.

Also, with the reward, I've now got a vote steal advantage. This is HUGE for me. I have a group of people I wanna work with in this game and if this group is down in numbers at any point, this vote steal can come in handy.

that challenge was a damn mess but i'm just glad we made it out alive. sad Canute lost though ugh i'm sending all of my positive energy to Scott so he can make it through.... hope we merge next round that would be cute; i'm ready for more action in this game

im gunna kill my self . :) WE LOST. AGAIN. :) NOT MY FAULT. AGAIN.

n now i gotta deal with fucken awkward 2-2 tribal lines when i have a f2 with michael and a love for malik.. but bc dani is good at challenges her ass wont go and thats so annoyin but u can bet ur ass ima try somethin if i have to bc i dont trust malik to keep me safe vs her whereas michael will.. if i have to flip on malik i will

why me tho like im a good person. i dont deserve this. why couldnt i be on a competent tribe. LMAOAOAOA.

THANK GOD WE WON IMMUNITY if we lost I probably would’ve spontaneously combust Bc I love??? My current tribe??? I love Madison too and It sucked we voted her out Bc I actually adore her but she wasn’t doing a lot. I just love this tribe and if we had to vote for each other again I’ll lose my marbles. Maybe we can work more together going into merge if we get there? I hope so, because Sweyn’s Baddies are COMING

Well, we lost once again and I’m upset about it. The challenge was super hard for us and we struggled. It seemed like everyone wasn’t really putting in all they could as they just said “I forgot” I was like oh!! cool!! This tribal, I’m not crazy worried right now. I trust Scott a lot at this point because he doesnt have a reason to lie to me by telling me that I’ve been holding up the tribe because... I have been. I think the move this week is to vote out Malik. We’ll see whats going on but I really think we might be doing that this week. Hopefully there’s a merge soon because I need to fucking be by myself!!!

My ass is for sure on the line tonight. I know that  Malik is targetting me for being weak and all that so rn I’m just trying to get Scott 100% on board with voting me and Malik 100% certain that he is safe with me just in case there’s an idol and maybe if I’m too in my nerves and scared I have no qualms with throwing a vote on dani incade of a tie

You know what they say, another week safe, 

That one didn't seem so easy,  partially cause I sucked at it and mainly because I sucked major balls at it. But hey Mo and David saved our asses so yeeeeeeeeeeee boi. And not only that we also got reward but not really cause the only thing I got was a jpg image, and so did Felix David and Mo according to them which means either one of them is lying or Wes has it. Either way I guess it's not the end of the world.

So now Canute is going to tribal I wonder how that is gonna play out, a part of me wants Dani and Michael to be safe but another one wants rocks but at the same time another one would be jealous cause I wouldn't be a part of it and I could use some rocks in my life. Either way that's it for now folks now if you excuse me Felix wants to kidnap me and introduce me to the spooky facebook wikia comunity, spooky shit indeed.

So WOOOOOOOO this is the first tribal of the season that i'm not attending which is amazingggg and feels so good to finally have a break!! Plus like I honestly LOVE my tribe rn bc everyone is so iconic and fun and we even made a charlie's angels thing bc its so iconic... ugh love them BUT if it came down to tribal I think I would be okay still since i've really worked on rhys and we have a 3 dude gay guardians alliance of me, rhys, and ryan even tho im not even gay but they dont need to know that... my boy scott is in tribal rn but i hope he comes out okay!!! if he doesn't well oops idc bye bitch but if he does then yay!!

Tonight I am absolutely terrified I think the votes are gonna be on Malik but you just never know so my best plan is just to hope for the best and campaign to stay I’m not just gonna sit back and get eliminated especially this close to a merge situation where I know I’ll be in a good position to make it far.

im legit gunna die im so nerv and i shouldnt be. LIKE. I TRUST THAT MICHAEL HAS MY BACK. AND MALIK ISNT VOTING ME. SO IT SHOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO GO. BUT I DONT THINK THAT FOR SOME REASON. all i can think of in the back of my mind is what if michael and dani flip on me and its 2-1-1.. but theres nothing i can literally do bc if i vote michael and stay our relationship is gone lol

ughhhh i should just be positive but its so hard bc even if malik goes.. i feel awful LMAAOAOOA but like. uhm. yes ): i feel awful

Scott as much as I like the guy I can for sure see he lets his emotions dictate how he plays and while that’s not necessarily bad it’s difficu when you’re trying to blindside someone and he could just run and tell Malik so the nerves are here and out to play hunny

My thing is I think it’s is going to go to rocks. Which is why we were worried about that when linus left but it’s real. Dani we don’t wanna vote each other, hell everyone says they don’t want to vote me which is always weird for me to hear but if that’s true good if they’re all voted me then nasty.. but I don’t want to vote Dani and I definitely don’t want to vote Scott..so that kinda leads to Michael which I don’t want to vote either but I have reasons: the main reason is the past couple of challenges he’s done the worst in, and if we need to survive incase there’s no swap or merge then we need all the strong members here.

I feel a bigger bond with Dani and Scott vs Michael who I feel is cool but I don’t feel we’re clicking on a better level. And it’s not even a tribe thing it’s literallt what I feel could save us from tribal, and how don’t i know if Dani and Michael won’t vote me out right after Scott leaves? So basically what’s happening is it’s likely going to be a 2-2 on Michael and Scott, and I’m not changing my vote. So I’ll likely go to rocks and lose but that’s ok. I did my best and it could be a stupid move but I don’t wanna risk Dani and Michael voting me out if we lost again, because I’d hope Dani wouldn’t but you never know. So rocks here we come!

Malik is voted out 3-1.

[charliereimann]

Heaven's Net is Wide

Her name is spelt Kiyoko, not Kyoko, she corrected me later herself. We met on the bus in Costa Mesa. My buddy had sold me a bogus thirty day bus pass, leaving me unprepared to pay the two dollar fare. I only had a ten and nobody on the bus could break it. She was kind enough to just give me the two dollars desperately needed, I was smitten as kitten. She told me she was Japanese, and that she didn't speak much English. Lucky for me, I happened to speak a little Japanese and I got her phone number. I had actually seen her around town once or twice before, she's a real jaw dropper, slash head turner. She always wore tight Nike gear on her way to and fro the gym. 24 Fitness Costa Mesa is a Mecca for good looking glamorous young ladies in preparation party mode. I had actually thought she was Korean, when I first laid eyes on her, or else I would have said something nice to her then and there at the park in between the gym and her residence. I remember her looking sad that afternoon, her head kind of slumped downward, like she was let down somehow at the gym. As she passed me by, she smiled anyway, just a little, and I nodded and smiled back.

I was on my way to work, that one fine day on the bus, and she was on her way to school. I'm such a shy person, I would have never chatted with her, had it not been for that bogus bus pass. I never did see her again on the bus, but I had her number. I waited about a day before I texted her for the first time. I thought we could get some tea at the nearby Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. I did owe her two dollars after all. However she didn't care about the two dollars and wouldn't reply to my offer. "Sorry I'm busy." She once said. I persisted like crazy anyway. I worked out a lot too because I wanted to impress her, I was cranking out fifty-seven pushups tops, I had this unreal energy overcome me. I felt like everything was meant to be, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, and all the nonsense that occured in the past was starting to make sense. I had wings. I understood I was out of her league, and that she could do better, but I thought that if she knew more about me I might stand a fighting chance with her.

Not only did I become strong as an ox, I became clever and quick witted as all hell. I was able to speak my peice at the A.A. meetings, and I worked a thorough fourth and fifth step with my sponsor for the first time. I worked hard as the devil at work and I hardly got hungry, and when I did I ate healthy because I desperately wanted this dream to come true. I had plenty of time to write Kiyoko because I spent about five to six hours catching four busses to and fro work for months on end. I told her everything and I mean everything. I bared my soul because your only as sick as your secrets and I wanted a healthy relationship. I also asked her if she had any hopes and dreams of her own but it was like beating the air. After a year or so she finally replied to me. She said she said that she was sorry, and that she didn't understand.

I was at Starbucks one afternoon, (love their logo by the way, the mermaid with the stary crown reminds me of her) checking Facebook, my account thought that I might know her. Thats how I found out what her last name was and a got a little bit of info about her. Not that I'm a stalker, I respect peoples privacy and wishes. Anyway, I was so happy to see her face again, even if it was just a photo. I sent her a friend request and wrote a little something more. She immediately blocked me, I couldn't understand why she wasn't impressed with all my true stories. I guess they're just unbelievable. I couldn't blame her, I did come on pretty strong, I just couldn't help it. As time went by I had relapsed and kind of gave up her for over a year, but I still felt really committed to her. Like she was the one, the only one possible, she just doesn't know it yet. I was super surprised to learn Donald Trump was running for President, to me it was a sign that my dream was still alive because I had mentioned him before in a previous letter. I voted for him because I needed him. That maybe then Kiyoko would believe in me as I believed in her.

I think she has a lot of her own issues, dont we all. I think she was doing what we alcoholics call a 'geographic', thats where you you move to a new place in order to escape a ghost or problem in your life but you cant escape from yourself. I think she's self conscious as women usually are. I found out she moved to Oregon with her boyfriend whom she met our neighborhood of Costa Mesa. I was pissed because he was associated with some some friends of mine. Who knows how long they were going out for. I think she could have at least told me that before I wasted years of my life trying to convince her we are in love. Although it wasn't a waste because I learned so much about myself and things to come. However, how could I ever love again? How can I tell another girl what I had already promised her? Like how do you use the same pick up line twice? I'm not that sleazy, I was really losing my religion. And to top it off, here comes the kick in balls, the guy she left with goes by the name of, 'The Lost Prophet'. Of all the people. You see I got this thing about the devil, and false prophets and such, it's a long story. I started to regret ever moving away from Costa Mesa, it's just that it was the longest bus ride all the way to Brea, where I work. Fullerton was much more convenient. I had quit my job then, I quit just about everything and wound up in Buena Park again. I decided I'd be a Christian and I'd be Charles, no more and less. Then, as if I could ever escape this destiny, another Revelation occured to me. Oh God is good. Prayers go up and blessings come down.

I had this Peter Gabriel song in my head. "thousand churches in her eyes." My roommate brought home a Denzel Washington movie, 'Flight'. At the very end of the movie, he's asked, "Who are you?" Instantly it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm Gabriel, the messenger. The Son of Man, we are one in the same. And we're in love with a boar named Maria. We go way back, if you know your nativity story. This makes perfect sense. So all is well that that ends well. Life goes on and on and on. Currently I'm trying to get Joseph to take one for the team again, the Capulet family can be a bit challenging but I enjoy a good challenge.

As for Kiyoko, I use to think about her all the time, but I hardly think about her anymore because I found the real Mc Coy.

By, Charlie Reimann 7-28-2018

[latesthollywoodnews]

Scarlett Johansson UNDER FIRE For New Transgender Movie Role & Statement

Scarlett Johansson UNDER FIRE For New Transgender Movie Role & Statement

Jeremy Brown - Latest News - My Hollywood News

Scarlett Johansson UNDER FIRE For New Transgender Movie Role & Statement, New Hollywood Celebrities 2018.

Good Celebrity News 2017, A Wrinkle In Time Latest Story Song, Scarlett Johansson UNDER FIRE For New Transgender Movie Role & Statement.

Hollywood Celebrities Latest Story 1964 Best Celebrity News 2017 Celebrities by Cartoon Network Studios is an American animation studio based in Burbank, California. It is owned by Cartoon Network and Turner Broadcasting System, which are both subsidiaries of Time Warner.

What Hollywood Celebrity has both parents alive?

Mulan, Sleeping beauty, Lady and the Tramp, The Incredibles,One Hundred and One Dalmatians,Peter Pan, Brave, The Lion King 2 and Frozen, but their parents die.

How many official Hollywood princesses are there?

As of 2017, the eleven characters considered part of the franchise are Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Pocahontas, Mulan, Tiana, Rapunzel, and Merida. The franchise has released dolls, sing-along videos, apparel, home decor, toys, and a variety of other products featuring the Hollywood Princesses.

What companies are owned by Hollywood?

Hollywood/ABC Television Group. Hollywood/ABC Television Group operates Hollywood’s broadcast television, cable television and radio businesses. ESPN, Inc. Walt Hollywood Parks & Resorts U.S., Inc. Lucasfilm Ltd. Marvel Entertainment, LLC.

More Celebrity News ►►

Scarlett Johansson is once again under fire for her choice in movie roles, this time for the upcoming film called ‘Rub & Tug’ based around the life of a trans man. ‘Rub & Tug’ follows a 1970s crime boss Dante “Tex” Gill, who was originally born Jean Gill, as he controls Pittsburgh’s illicit massage parlors. As news came that Scarlett was chosen to play Dante, it’s safe to say things got a little heated.

Trans actress, Trace Lysette, tweeted, “Oh word?? So you can continue to play us but we can’t play y’all? Hollywood is so ******… I wouldn’t be as upset if I was getting in the same rooms as Jennifer Lawrence and Scarlett for cis roles, but we know that’s not the case. A mess.” Yikes. Trace was not the only Trans actress to speak out either. Jamie Clayton, a transgender actress in the Netflix series Sense8, tweeted, “Actors who are trans never even get to audition FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN ROLES OF TRANS CHARACTERS. THATS THE REAL ISSUE. WE CANT EVEN GET IN THE ROOM. Cast actors WHO ARE TRANS as NON TRANS CHARACTERS. I DARE YOU”

Of course, it doesn’t help that Scarlett came under fire for her role in the 2017 film ‘Ghost in the Shell’, playing a character that was originally supposed to be Japanese. Many angry tweets allude to the fact that this isn’t Scarlett’s first controversial role. Interestingly, it was also directed by Rupert Sanders, the same director Scarlett has teamed with for ‘Rub & Tug’.

One Twitter used stated, QUOTE “Scarlett Johansson is playing a trans man in her next movie because her ultimate career goal is to take an acting job from a member of each and every marginalized group. While another tweeted, “Scarlett Johansson has proven time again that she is not much of an ally when it gets in the way of her personal advancement. I hope this new movie will be rewarded in the same way as GitS – mediocre reviews and a box office failure.”

And well, Scarlett’s response didn’t exactly help the situation. When contacted by Bustle, a representative for Scarlett stated, “Tell them that they can be directed to Jeffrey Tambor, Jared Leto, and Felicity Huffman’s reps for comment.” Three actors who all played transgender roles while personally identifying as cisgender.

Well, it sounds like Scarlett is pretty confident in her decision to play this role despite the backlash. So what do you guys think about her portrayal of a trans man? Do you think it should be given to a member of the Trans community, or is Scarlett just doing her job? Let me know all your thoughts and feelings in the comment section below and when you’re done with that please click over here to watch another breaking news story and don’t forget to subscribe to our channels. I’m Renee Ariel and thanks so much for tuning into Clevver News, I’ll see ya guys next time!

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Hollywood Film News, Hollywood Celebrity News 2018, Scarlett Johansson UNDER FIRE For New Transgender Movie Role & Statement.

Hollywood has been criticized for its influence over children in that it endeavours to appeal to children at a young age and develop their views and interests according to Hollywood’s portrayal of major themes as well as prepare children to become early consumers of their brand. Hollywood Celebrities 2017, Scarlett Johansson UNDER FIRE For New Transgender Movie Role & Statement.

https://www.myhollywoodnews.com/scarlett-johansson-under-fire-for-new-transgender-movie-role-statement/

#LatestNews

[thewarondrugs2018-blog]

All it took was one hit to destroy her life.....

Everyone has their story.  Here’s mine. 

I went to Chatham Central High School during the years of 2005-2009.  While drugs weren’t a huge thing in Bear Creek, North Carolina during that time, Marijuana was around.  For the most part, I was extremely sheltered during high school.  I went to school, studied, played sports, and came home basically.  In August of 2009, I left Bear Creek and headed to Raleigh NC to attend college at Peace College (thats what it was called at the time), and played on the women’s basketball team as well.  My eyes were opened to this whole new world.  I saw people getting drunk on a Tuesday night, smoking weed and taking pills in late night clubs.  I was not use to this type of lifestyle.  As a freshman, I got in good with the junior and seniors because I was on the basketball team, and started hanging out with that group of friends.  Through the team I was introduced to this one girl, lets call her Carrie.  She was a extremely beautiful, free-spirited, caring, and loving girl who seemed to have a good head on her shoulders. The two of us just clicked.  We had a lot in common, had a lot to talk about, and eventually we established a beautiful friendship.  One thing led to another, and this girl who was my best friend, became my very first girlfriend.  Long story short, we ended up dating for about five years.  The first two years were amazing, and we had a strong relationship, the remaining half of the relationship was hell.  The entire last 2.5 years was me literally trying to save this girls life.  Heres what happened.  I always knew this girl liked to drink and hang out.  But In Raleigh, I just thought that was the normal thing to do from what I had witnessed.  It was normal to drink all the time while in college, and go to late night clubs, so I really didn’t think anything of it.  Then, she started missing classes.  I obviously lived on campus, but she had her own apartment off of Glenwood Avenue.  I would drive over to check on her, and she would be so hung over from the night before that she would literally spend all day in bed.  This didn't seem like her at all.  Things just started to get worse.  She was diagnosed with depression, as well as bipolar, and had prescribed medications that she started to abuse.  She also started buying aderall, and was popping those like it was candy.  I would try and help her, talk to her mom, but all that would result in was her and I in a huge fight.  Before I knew it, all we were doing was fighting non stop, and I just couldn't handle it anymore, so I left, at least I tried too.  One night I got a call from one of her good friends that she was downtown at a club, coked out of her mind.  She had started snorting cocaine. I got sucked back in because I truly did love and care about her and wanted nothing more than to help her.  She promised she would get sober, and stop using drugs, and for a while I thought she did.  Our relationship got a little better, and I finally at one point thought we really were going to be ok and make this work.  Then she started to get distant, secretive, and I started to wonder what was going on again.  One night when she got in the shower, her phone went off, and it was from a girl that I knew she use to snort coke with.  I felt bad for going in her phone, but knew it was because I loved and cared for her, and was trying to help her.  The text message basically was her friend saying that she couldn't get her hands on any cocaine, but that she had some “dope” that she could get ahold of and they would experiment with.  At the time, I had no idea what dope was, but for it to be something they could experiment with, I knew it was something that they had never done before, which in my eyes meant that it was even worse off than cocaine.  I lost my cool in that moment, and confronted her about the text.  Of course, she lied and denied it, and said that she had no idea what that girl was talking about, and that she had told her that her days of doing drugs was over.  But hey, when your using drugs you lie, right?  Obviously I was busy with school and basketball that I didn’t have the ability to have eyes on her at all times.  She lived her life, and I lived mine.  In time, it was very obvious that she was using again.  All the signs were there.  Her attitude was different, her mentality was different, she wasn’t being productive at all, the light in her had completely disappeared.  That smile that at one time could light up any dark room was vanished.  There was nothing but dark when I looked at her.  Eventually I had to accept that she was on drugs, she was addicted, and she needed help.  That at this point, she couldn’t just cold turkey stop, it could kill her.  The dope that she got addicted to was herion.  To this day, she will tell you that she should have never tried it, because all it took was one hit, and she was done for.  Her life was over.   We got her mom involved, because she was truly scared for her life as well, knowing how much control this drug was taking of her life.  She got her enrolled in a treatment plan, and a methadone clinic that she went to every morning so that it would help with her withdrawals from not using.  This girl would go from sweating to death, to freezing and being as cold as a ice cube during the nights.  She would have constant shakes. She would spend hours at a time in the bathroom throwing up non stop.  I had never seen anything like it, and while a part of me wanted to let her parents handle this, and walk away from it, I knew that I had to be there for her, even if we weren’t together after it was all done and over.  She continued going to treatment and the clinic, but was still using on the side occasionally.  Her excuse was that the dosage at the clinic wasn't enough to stop her withdrawal symptoms.  I knew she was using again because of little things I would see.  For example, the trash was taken out nightly, which was never done before.  This was because the trash contained needles, and evidence of her using that she was trying to get rid of.  She would constantly need money for rent and bills when I knew that had never been a issue before, because her parents paid her rent monthly, which means that she was using all her rent and bill money to buy dope.  Eventually she started to steal money from me.  This went on for months, and one night I walked into our bedroom of her with a belt tied around her arm, and her friend there with a needle, about to inject me.  That was it.  I couldn’t continue to watch her do this to herself.  I told her I was leaving and was done, and as I walked out the front door, she ran after me crying and begged me to stay and I told her that the ONLY way she would have me in her life was if she agreed to go to a rehab treatment that was not volunteer, and was far away so that she could truly get the help that she needed.  She agreed to go to a facility in Florida.  I went down with her, and her parents the weekend we moved her in.  I was so proud of her for doing this, and  truly hoped that she stuck with it.  I remember giving her a hug and watching them drive her off, and I cried the entire flight back home.  I was heartbroken, but at the same time knew that this was the best for her, and thats all I truly wanted for her.  For her to have her life back.  This was a 9 month treatment.  I went to the second family weekend (3 months after she had been there), and she looked amazing.  She started to gain her weight back, she looked clear minded, sober, and just healthy.  We spent hours just sitting outside talking, and for the first time in a long time it felt like conversations I use to have with my best friend.  We would write letters constantly, she made me art work and would UPS it to me while she was in treatment.  Once she graduated treatment, she decided she wanted to stay  in Florida and live in one of them half way “sober” houses.  She wasn't ready to come back home and face all the old temptations, and the decisions she had made in the past.  I completely understood, but I had a life here.  I wasn’t ready to move, and that decision on my part was for the best.  She ended up back on drugs, with the people that she lived with.  She has now been in five different rehab facilities in the past 4 years.  I still check in every now and then on Facebook just to see if she is alive, and she is.  She doesn’t look good, she looks sick, she looks sad, she looks like a zombie living in a body.  All it took was one hit of dope to completely take over this girls life.  She has battled her addiction for the past 9 years now, failed out of school, failed out of beauty school, broke relationships with friends and her family, she has lost literally everything.  This addiction has kicked her butt, and it breaks my heart that I couldn’t do more to help her, but I had to come to terms that I did everything I could, and all I can do is just hope for the best.  

Whats your story?  

[jeffandsarahrelationship]

the ballad of jeff and sarah

this is a blog to basically do two things .....to help me heal by putting it all out there and to get people who want to know what happened between us a place to see it and to stop Inboxing me about.....the following is my account and my account of the events alone....i cant speak for sarah or others involved because im not them....they can feel free and post a blog of their accounts if they wish.....this is just me trying to get over a breakup that i had my heart in....after this all quesstions or inquiries will be ignored if sent to my inbox i just want to move forward....and my therapist thought this blog would be a good way to do that....

so... i met sarah at a mutual friend jamies bday party.....jamie, richard, erica, rickie, and sarah all went....she stunned me .....such a beautiful woman that i couldnt speak right away ....i got shy ...she spoke to me first and then we started a convo...she, i and richard pretty much talked to each other the whole night .....we added each other on facebook and at the dinner she had a bf so i didnt think anything would happen....i was also talking to someone but nothing was set at that time.....i had talked to richard after that and he said he was interested in her as well...but that she had a boyfriend so we were out of luck....we began sending facebook messages back and forth for about 3 or 4 days ....the more we talked the more i was facinated by her likes, her interest, and just all around her perkiness, we both agreed there was something there but neither of us thought we should persue it.....but we did .....we decided to meet and go out to eat just to talk and get to know each other..i promised her ..while she had a boyfriend i was not going to try anything.......the sexual chemistry was strong that day....she asked if we could make out...so we did .....and it just keep going further....i couldnt fight what i felt for her.....we did stop though to go eat and talk.....and it was an amazing conversation....its safe to say i was enchanted by this woman....we then went back to her place where we got physical.....i felt like dog shit that i could do that to another person....not her ....her boyfriend.....but i couldnt get sarah out of my mind....we met i think two more times within the next two weeks....i had finally went on one date with the other girl....but i did not feel that connection to her that i did sarah.....ive tryed apologizing to her....but i dont blame her for hating me.....sarah wanted me to be her side piece i guess but i told her i couldnt do that ....it wasnt right doing that to john....her boyfriend at the time...so i told her i was ending things with the one i was seeing but that i wanted to be with her ....but i couldnt be her side man....i wanted to be her boyfriend....its john or me i said.....then i figured id never see her again....but she chose me and broke up with john.....so we started dating officially.....i was so happy....this amazing girl had chose me .....needless to say ....i fell pretty quick....i spent alot of time with her ....i wanted her to know im not gonna just leave....that i cared about her....she said she loved having me around that much as well...but dont all couples at the beginning i guess....we were honest about everything as far as i know....but i feel like she was...shes has extreme depression and a food disorder.....having never dealt with that ...i wanted to do my best to help or at least be there for her when she needed me....she also had social anxiety ..shes also thought about being polyamourous which i wasnt sure if i was open to....but maybe .....so we hung out with my friends and i told her i wanted her to make some friends with mine....so she would have an outlet.....her therapist told her to make female friends to...since she had only guys friends at that time....well she really got to know richard in that time..she was in awe of him....all his experiences and life choices he had made....what he knew about art and other things....she told me she was growing a crush on him.....which i was like ..ummmmm cause i know he had a crush on her.....i even made comments about them hooking up with i regret completely now...maybe i guess i just wanted to get it over with and hope the crush would dissappear.....

.she had told me in our conversations that when she feels an emotional connection with someone she has a hard time controlling herself ....pretty much a she did with me....

now i didnt worry about any of this or did we ever have problems until one day when she had a bad suicidal depression episode ....i had to work the next day but i tryed to talk her down....as did her therapist and others that she told me....so the next day i got done at work and went to see her....she was surprised to see me and said that she had already set up to hang with some people to help her.....but since i showed up she said did i want to join.....turned out she had talked to richard and wanted to have a convo with him alone....i didnt like that....i got scared and worried cause i knew they both had crushes on each other....but as a boyfriend....i didnt want to stop her from getting help for her depression if he could help......so i took her to his house and i went home for two hours and let them talk....my brain was eating me alive ....but i trusted my gf even after what she told me .....and i trusted richard who was my best friend since moving up here.....after i picked her up ....i told her about all that ...that i was uncomfortable about it....and why .....that it really was bothering me.....she did her best to reassure me that nothing was going on with richard ....and i felt better once she was in my arms again.....after that ....everytime she wanted to go out...she was like lets go to richards cause he has surround sound and such...but it was like ....anytime we went out....lets hit up richard.....so i got exteremly uncomfortable and told her.....then a couple of sundays ago....while i had my daughter ....she went with richard jo and jamie to the knoxville zoo....i was sad i couldnt go but i hoped they had fun.....i messaged her  during that time to just know she was having fun....as well as to shut my brain down of the fact she was with richard.....

when they got home....i was supposed to pick her up and go back to her place....when she got here....she asked again if i would wait an hour so that her and richard could talk alone again.....i freaked....i was not having it....i was about in tears upset....why does she keep wanting to talk to him.....they both have a crush ...no no  no no......but i said go ahead and talk....but i drove over at the same time....i sat in the drive way about 10 mins....my mind running in circles....i couldnt take it....were they talking about us....did she make a move on him like she did me while she was with john.....i didnt know i couldnt take it....so i got out of the truck and went around the back and tryed to listen to the convo.....i know this is not a good look on me ....but i wasnt thinking straight.....i was scared to death....i sat there a min trying to listen then realized what i was doing.....so i went around the front ...knocked on the door and told them both we needed to talk.......

i told them i wasnt comfortable with them being alone ....i didnt want anything to happen between them....that i knew she wanted richard which she confirmed right then that she wanted us both.....so i freaked again....and it ended up becoming a conversation about how richard could take care of her better than i could....richard said cause of my scared nature of what might happen he may have to bow out of a friendship with him and sarah....sarah took her hand from me at that point....sarah and i at the end were both drained...we went home....talked more between us ....and she said well if he doesnt want to be friends...i guess thats it.....but i thought me and her were ok....the next day we spend the morning together happy as can be....i took her to her group and picked her up....she was happy....however while she was in group richard sent a group message to both of us saying he had seen where i was out back trying to listen or see in.....and that he couldnt be friends anymore with her while we were together....she held my hand ...until she read his message....took it away and never gave it back....we were gonna go on a hike but she said take her home instead....where she dumped me......i left crying.....blaming myself.....barely able to see...i cryed for two days ......the first day i watched the chattooine meeting and they were sitting next to each other....i went into a deep depression.....finally on wens or thurs she messaged me.....telling me she still loved me but he didnt know what she wanted ...that she did want richard...but she also wanted me....she told me the truth about what had happened between her and richard in those first few days....but thats their business so i wont share that here.......however we talked and talked and she asked me could i be poly with her and richard .....i said i didnt know....also that jack had asked her out as well as talking to her ex john....who she said she might have sex with or not....why tell me that?

well we talked and she asked me to pick her up friday so we could talk about being poly.....we did and i didnt know if i could do that ...share my girl with another man....but i thought about giving it a shot.. i even messaged a few friends to get their advice on the subject....we then made love that night....i dont think she told that to richard.....the friday after the breakup.....and she talked to me all day saturday telling  me being poly would be great ...i would see.....having thoughts about me and richard and her.....he then picked her up saturday night....and sunday they went facebook official ....i had to get out of this so i blocked them both.....i couldnt handle it.....it sent me back into depression mode.....so monday i told her over phone...i couldnt be poly .....i couldnt share my girl....she told me it didnt matter cause she was with richard now....and thats pretty much where im at....trying to move on..

NOW IM NOT LYING ABOUT NONE OF THIS....IT IS SIMPLY MY ACCOUNT OF THE SITUATION....I ALSO HAVE SCREENSHOTS TO BACK UP MOST OF WHAT IVE SAID .....SO I CAN PROVE IM NOT A LIER....i am not trying to break up richard and sarah.....she even told me today she thinks he the one...and good for her.....but i needed to get this out of my system and to also stop all the inbox questions....cause damn guys.....it fucking hurts .......i lost my best friend and the woman i loved.....and 50 of you ....wanted to know the details so here they are.....