#well maybe i should actually make her goliath armor first how about that

[doolallymagpie]

hockey barbie has begun the shipping process, i shall begin Project Barbie Draper Mark Two soon

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Honor.”

So translating my own language is a bitch. Yes I know I don’t have to do it, but also it is more fun that way. Although I added in translations for everyone accept on one or two parts on purpose. But you can still enjoy it, no need to worry. you don’t need to know the language to read this!

Also this is an action scene so it’s cool. Go on read it :) 

You know that feeling where you studied for an exam and you thought that you knew the material, but then you get into the exam and it turns out you had no idea what you were doing? 

Yeah, this is nothing like that.

Well, I mean it kind of is, but the result of screwing up is death and not a stern talking to from your parents about being more focused. Then again, perhaps I would get a stern talking to form Hijan.

When we crest over the hill --not gonna lie-- I feel like I’m going to shat myself. Granted loose bowels has never been a problem of mine, generally I have a pretty impressive butt clenching ability, you sort of have to as a fighter pilot, but this is a whole different level of terrifying.

It’s like one of those old movies where the hero is tied up by his hands hooked onto a rail line in a slaughterhouse and they are watching as the spinning blades slowly get closer and closer to their junk. 

What I am saying is it’s like walking towards a meat grinder. The Drev are aggressive and violent spinning blades at each other, four arms flailing as they crash into teach other with the clattering of steel. Right in front of my eyes I watch as one of our clam members is violently speared through the throat after a minute slip up with his form work.

HE falls to the ground wide eyed and choking.

His opponent nods before continuing on his way.

Holy shit! Fuck! 

Shit Shit shit!

“Nahasinsazh!” 

Our group breaks into a slow job, and then into a full out sprint. I struggle to keep up, but surprisingly I manage to keep time. The Drev are bigger and stronger, but I'm smaller and more nimble, and I navigate the rocks faster. I make sure not to be at the front. I know that I won't be able to take that first hit.

The fighting line rises up in my vision.

And then the world erupts around me.

The first clash is so violent that I more than expectit to rent the earth and shake the very foundations to where I stand. A shape looms over me and I duck just in time for a spear to go cything past my head. My maneuver is followed by an absolute eruption of steel on steel. Hijan catches his spear on the shaft of her weapon and violently shoves him back. I see an opening to attack, but then that moment is gone.

I

I’m not sure If i can just kill someone like that.

“Tsata!  Laza  tach Zheengish!” Fight or yourclan 

I’m still not sure about the clan, but…. I can do anything for Hijan.

My feet skidd over bare rock as a spear cuts towards my head. I dodge to the side again and Hijan takes the brunt of the force, but I use her distraction to rush inwards thrusting my spear point forward. 

I feel it as it cuts through flesh, a jolting ripping sensation that vibrates up through the shaft of the spear and then into my hands.

The Drev warrior looks up at me with surprise on his face as I draw the spear from the wound and orange icor begins pouring down his front. Looking at his eyes, he doest sem scared, merely shocked. A shco which is replaced with…

Satisfaction 

Peace 

Hope? 

I don’t know as I am drawn away from him a moment later and into the tide of the battle.

My feet pass over rough hewn stone as Hijan and I fight her acting as the muscle while I act as the spearhead. 

Things are working out for the most part though my heart pounds in my ears making it difficult to hear anything but the pulsing of my own blood. HIjan turns to catch another spear with hers, and I turn to take the offensive when I hear a war cry from behind me. I turn eyes widening just in time as a spear point trusts towards my head. I throw myself to the side as the massive leaf blade bites into the ground where I just stood.

The hulking silver goliath stands over me his wide orange eyes filled with battle rage.

He swings his spear again, and the tip of the spear scythes past my stomach casting sparks as it goes.

I roll backwards landing on my back in the moss and rolling to the side only to gain my feet.

I look around for Hijan, but don’t Immediately see her.

The battle cry comes again, and I turn watching as another wild swing rockets towards my head.

He is using stone technique. It is slow and precise but when it hits it hits like a freight train. I raise my spear at the last moment, and when that downward momentum makes contact, I am plowed right into the dirt. The stele of my armor cracks against the stone and I can feel the ground give way under my shoulders and back. The power is incredible like getting hit by a speeding bullet train/ 

I have no idea how I manage to block it, and hold him off me.

His beak is just inches from my face, his wide orange eyes staring. 

He presses downward with all his might, and I scream as I try to push him off me.

I watch him flinch as the power of my voice vibrates his ears.

Hmm, gonna have to remember that for later… if there is a later.

My arms tremble as I hold him away fro me. If he gets smart and stops pushing and just strikes I am done for.

I need a distraction.

Ah that’s a good idea.

I spit directly into his eye.

He was not expecting that one bit and reels back in shock.

I kick him square in the fork of the legs. I am not entirely sure if Drev have balls. I mean I heard their reproduction is similar to that of humans, so It can’t have been a nice feeling, and he doesn’t seem to like it leaping back onto his feet and staggering backwards. I come at him again, darting towards his side.

My hands are still throbbing from the last impact, my fingers are almost numb.

I catch him on the back of the knee and he roars in pain and panic crippling is far worse than death to a drev, however in his fear, I only make him more angry, he lunges for me, so fast and so wild that I barely have time to dodge out of the way.

I hit the ground again, spending way too much time here. The spar is thrust towards me. It cut s into the ground at my side. Near my shoulder

And between my knees as I scramble backwards.

I kick the shaft of the spear catching him off balance standing as…. A spear sprouts through the center of his chest. I can hear the horrible crunching noise the ripping of flesh as the spear is drawn back out, and he falls dead to the ground.

Hijan holds up her weapon covered in orange blood.

I am breathing hard.

She steps forward and I scramble up into  her shadow. We are back together again, and like before we are back as a unit, cutting through the whirling crowd with near impunity.

But I  can see that the battle isn’t going well, at least not for our side.

Hijan and I are now surrounded. Three of them and only two of us.

I didn’t actually believe I was going to die here.

But why hadn’t I thought that 

It was a distinct possibility.

I realized at that moment that maybe I hadn’t had the respect for their culture that I should have. Did I think it was just some kind of fun game, go down for a little fun and then come hoe with some cool stories to tell. No, I was entering a warzone. I had made myself part of a clan and that meant that I had to either ride or die with it.

All around us comes the screaming of the dying and the moaning of the near dead. Bodies litter the ground, the air above us is filled with the little white moss spores kicked up like a cloud of dust.

Hijan and I retreated falling up against a short rock face. Pink moss climbs up it’s side.

Three attackers come in fast. I block one and she blocks the other, but the third spear catches her hard on one of her back armored plates.

My blood runs cold as I hear hijan scream in agony.

I spin on the spot kicking the third attacker away.

Hijan is on the ground, she isn’t bleeding but a spear is headed straight towards her chest.

I fully admit that I don’t feel adrenaline rushes easily.

I think it is a product of my flight training, but at that moment I don’t think. The world around me goes red my vision tightening to a single point blac around the edges.

My lips go light and it feels as if my entire body is held up by a thousand balloons or a gravity generator making me less than half my weight but twice as strong.

Before I know it I have leaped in font of the downward cut catching the blade on my spear. Metal rings, sparks fly.

Three more spears come in contact with the shaft of my weapon.

I see their eyes widen their bodies falter.

As one single human holds all three of them off. My vision darkens, goes even more read as I hear Hijan behind me. I  remember who I am protecting, and I scream. Power like nothing I had ever felt surges through my body. The kind of power that can rip your body in half if you're not careful enough.

And I throw them off me.

Three Drev weigh almost three hundred or more pounds each, and I throw them off me. Two of them stagger away and trip backwards, and one of them is lifted half a foot from the ground and thrown more than two feet backwards.

All the muscles in my body are on ire, my legs to my back to my shoulders and biceps.

Even the muscles in my chest and abs are screaming.

And then it hits.

I am going in for another attack when a second wave of our Drev come barreling through. They take over the field like a tidal wave absolutely demolishing any who stand in their way.

I am left standing in the moss breathing hard, gasping for air.

I look down at myself only now realizing that I am bleeding. I know the blood is mine because it’s red, though I don’t feel anything.

More shuffling on the rocks behind me, and I  turn.

“Hian!” I rush over kneeling next to her as she slowly sits up.

One of her hands is gently clutching the back plate which took the brunt of the impact.

I brush away her hands to look,, though I am not sure what I am looking for.

“Tsa Jirhash?” I prod at the injury 

She winces but brushed me off

“Je je zhe ta’anini.”

I know she is going to live, but I worry she is going to be crippled. I know what that means.

She must see the fear in my eyes for she takes my hand and holds it between two of hers. Her eyes are wrinkled the way that Drev do when they smile.

“Tsa zheengish yahan. zhe leeni.” I feel my face flush just a bit. Her pride in me is…. Well it’s almost overwhelming. I realize now that the battle is over, the adrenaline starts to wear off and my hands begin to shake.

My legs are twitching so badly, that I have to take to my knees so I don’t fall over. My breathing comes in hard gasps.

Pain is returning to me, and I realize why I am bleeding.

There are cuts on my face and parts of my arms where the armor does not exist. The straps that hold on my armor leave deep bruises. My hands throb as do my bones/  Hijan pulls me a bit closer to her examining me herself as I kneel on the moss.

Looking for some cool air, I pull off my helmet letting a cool breeze blow over me.

My throat buns as I look towards the sky. The distant battle is beginning to fade.

As we kneel there on the moss, I turn to watch as our sentinel steps over broken bodies. He is painted in orange and his eyes are bright with the glee of a last battle.

“Lodnajasta.” The two of us bow our heads respectfully as he comes over

He looks down at me with surprise, “Tsa aninish. “ He seems almost impressed, and then he ruins it, “tsa dadarish yahanan huka zhe takasi tsa dee.” you did better than I thought you would.

Well thanks for that bro

I watch his expression fall a bit, and in surprise I turn to find Hijan glowering at him.

Raise an eyebrow incredulously as  I turn back to look at the sentinel.

He looks almost apologetic, “Tsa yaheen zhankeel datasajish.” you showed great honor.”

He turns and walks away, his back stiff.

I wait for him to leave before I begin to laugh incredulously and turn to look at my companion, “Hijan. Nin tsa darish.” What did you do!

She looks almost sheepish.”nee nehzhankeelan datadich.” He was being dishonorable 

She had to be insane.

She reminded me way too much of my mother in that moment.My mom would call out the president if he disrespected one of her children, and apparently so too would Hijan

I take her hand and smile, “zhe tatazi zhe tsa rekazi.”

Her eyes wrinkle again and she takes my hand.

Hijan was one of the best people/drev I had ever known.

If anything happened to her I would probably go on a homicidal rampage John Wick style. 

But barring that, I was getting some great ideas.

Sunny needed to meet hijan like yesterday 

[starkeaton]

the adventure zone: graduation character list

Well, i accidentally deleted the original graduation character list post, so here i am making another one. Oops. And as always, if anyone has important details i should add then feel free to suggest them!

Here are all the characters introduced in episodes 1-25. Named characters only!

Also i can’t hide spoilers! So, um..... I can’t put spoilers on this one. If you need the version with spoilers try this version of the post that i made on the adventure zone subreddit but youre not missing out on much.

# -EPISODE 1- (19 characters)

Hieronymous Wiggenstaff (he/him): Head of the Hero/Villain school. at least 400 years old. wears shining blue armor with gold accents. also an elf. according to Tomas, he led the charge at the "battle of blood valley", brought the Kingdoms of Rickart and Dawnbreak to a peace treaty, and founded the school. a little boastful, a little prideful, [SPOILERS OMITTED], and overall a pretty good dude.

Higglemas Wiggenstaff (he/him): Head of the Sidekick/Henchperson annex, cranky old elf. has a dog named hero who shows no signs of anything strange at all, ever. 

Gary (he/him): friendly room gargoyle. pseudo-hivemind.

Groundsy (he/him): the groundskeeper. a pretty nice fellow. don't go in his shed.

Hernandez (he/him): beautiful centaur professor of animal handling.

Jimson (he/him): human battlegrounds trainer for sidekicks/henchpeople, world famous featherweight champion, wields a staff. married to crushman.

Crushman (he/him): silver dragonborn with a sickle, and self-described beefy boy! heavyweight blood champion married to jimson. never lost a match for 8 years. full name Frostus Crushman.

Rolandus Fontaine (he/him): former prince, son of deposed king, kind of an asshole, maybe. wears a cape (important detail)

Zana (she/her): "terrifying" tiefling villain sorcerer, friend of rolandus. barkept the test tavern in ep2

Rhodes (she/her): hero ranger, friend of rolandus.

Buckminster Eden (he/him): hero guy. son of "The Iron Lord". their dad is stronger than rolandus's dad. his wiki page says rogue so i think hes a rogue? i never caught that and ive listened more times than i wish i did

Leon (he/him): softspoken buff, bald "fighter" (although i dont remember any clarification on how exactly he fights), sidekick of buckminster, around 28. anyone else keep forgetting he's bald? i keep forgetting it. >!gets sorta-drafted into becoming a falcon for higglemas and so far hasn't done much else.!<

Rainer Michelle (she/her): cheerful villainous necromancer with a floating chair. also, her name is pronounced "rainier" despite not being confirmed as such? travis ships her with fitzroy.

Tomas (he/him): human man with "kind eyes" and a good (psychic???) memory. guidance counselor.

Stewart LeBoeuf (he/him): brawny human man. serves food. there is no joke here, i promise

Mulligan (he/him): teaches potions. mentioned but doesn't appear yet. and we're like 25 episodes in. maybe we'll see him someday

Germaine, Victoria, Rattles (he/him,she/her,???/???): Skeleton crew. They live in the training room i guess, and as a result can never die, because "no one dies in the training room!" (note: someone now HAS to die in the training room). also their races are never explicitly stated but i guess they're probably human? in episode 3 travis brings up something about how many bones are in "the human body" and at this point i think i'm looking too deep into this so i'll just forget about it and you probably should too.

# -EPISODE 2- (9 characters)

Riveau (he/him): halfling, blame-taking teacher.

Mimi (they/them): gnome sidekick who builds cool robot prosthetics

Bartholemus (he/him): owl aarakocra accountant teacher, known for being the best accountant in the land and having a face some might describe as "smoochable". very pro capitalist :’( hope he gets better

Ramos (she/her): goliath teacher of shieldwork. *

Dip (she/her): sidekick, half-orc twin of pip

Pip (she/her): hero, half-orc twin of dip

Festo (they/them): fairy with "beautiful gossamer wings", independent study teacher of magic, loves to party

Snippers (he/him?): Let me tell you my story about Snippers the magic crab. When Travis gave the list of animals that Griffin could choose as Fitzroy's familiar's current form, he listed crab near the start, and this gave me excitement. Now i knew that crab was pretty unlikely but god i hoped that he would choose it. When the list went on- Bat, Cat, Crab, Frog, Hawk, Lizard, Owl, Poisonous Snake, Fish, Rat, Raven, Seahorse, Spider or Weasel- I nearly lost hope. I was hoping so hard that Griffin would choose the crab, but i was ready to accept a non-crab familiar. It was just buried in that list. It wasn't the most useful animal and it was an obscure pick. And as Travis informed him that it didn't have to keep the form for the whole campaign, Griffin said those five words i wanted to hear so, so badly. "Well then it's a crab." Folks, I do not often react physically when something happens in media. But in that moment, i remember very clearly, i fist-pumped and yelled, "YES!!!!!!"

so anyway, Fitzroy has a crab.

Jackle (he/him): kenku teacher of sneakery. creepy dude. apparently knows something about argo? also his name is not spelled "jackal" for some reason. Also in later episodes theyve started calling him "The Jackle" for some reason??? *

# -EPISODE 3- (1 character)

Dakota (they/them): tavern instructor, clad in black/red leather. no race stated? probably human. *

# -EPISODE 4- (6 characters)

Gerry & Tom (she/her, he/him): shopkeepers at barns and nobles who seem to have very bad names. also constantly competing for customers? these guys got dropped faster than the heathcliff quests, which is honestly just sad.

Barb (she/her): the bartender. runs Springs Eternal in Last Hope. has a sweet seeing-eye hawk familiar. 

Jaryd Reginald (he/him): owner of Reginald Ore. Wants the workers to be held responsible for the damage caused by the xorn. (fun fact: originally i wrote down "Jerrod" because i wanted it to sound like a fantasy name, then realized it was probably "Jared" because theyre named after listeners, but i was pleased to find it confirmed that it's actually "Jaryd")

Candice (she/her): A Miner. thought those werent allowed in bars but, i guess not. Wants the mine owner to be held responsible for the xorn's damage.

Jade Johnson Esq. (she/her): lawyer.

# -EPISODE 5- (1 character)

Xorn: a big hungry gem eating guy from the plane of earth Low-Down Deep with 3 arms and 3 legs. why did travis just say "multi-armed" instead of specifying it was 3? who knows! Anyway it leaves

# -EPISODE 6- (3 characters)

Osric (he/him): the man, the myth, the bursar. finally shows up after being mentioned in episodes 2 and 4. he's an elf. 

breeze through the willows (she/her): Pegasus attacked by demons, lost her parents. introduced in ep1 but gets a name here so fuck it. also in ep>!16!< we find out shes a "white arabian pegasus" and i dont think thats a spoiler bc we shouldve really known it from the beginning

Sabor (he/him): Librarian/research teacher. also a TORTLE. Really good at recalling stuff, i guess. kinda reminds me of Tomas's memory thing but i'm sure that's just a coincidence... *

# -EPISODE 7- (1 character)

Mosh (he/him): The goliath blacksmith who welcomes argo into the unbroken chain. Also, and this is specific to the tumblr version of this post, all the characters with an * at the end of their descriptions are also members of the unbroken chain. if someone knows how to do spoilers on tumblr please tell me

# -EPISODE 8-

:)

# -EPISODE 9- (2 characters)

Eeiïäá#æ&éñn (pronounced like "Ian") (he/him?): an imp but without a shitty voice. also happens to not be violent. what a coincidence?

Terence (he/him): a chain devil with a real demonic name. minor boss of the imps. very convincing and very threatening. has the frightening ability to make you zone out during his fight

# -EPISODE 10- (2 characters)

Althea Song (she/her): elf with autumn-orange hair. representative from heroic oversight guild. i'd like to personally thank travis for spelling her name out.

Crabtree (she/her): Artificing teacher. Long gray hair with a long grey beard. no mentioned race, one might guess dwarf but that would be an assumption i suppose. also unbroken chain member, presumably the dwarf argo didn't recognize in episode 7.

# -EPISODE 11- (3 characters)

Marie (she/her): Grey-haired elf woman. She's the school's physician, i guess. Member of the unbroken chain.

Dendra Maplecourt (she/her): Fitzroy's mom. Has hot mint gum, i guess. She was mentioned earlier but i wasn't convinced she was a real person until this episode

Cool Gary (he/him): AYY ITS ME GARYR

# -EPISODE 12-

no new characters again!

# -EPISODE 13- (7 characters hhhyyyuu)

Kale (???/???): Head of the Placement Department, in charge of real world assignments. First mentioned in Ep4 but i missed that the last few times bc it is so brief. Gives exposition about missions i guess????? is that the only reason this chara cter exists

satyr thief (unnamed) (he/him): tries to rob thundermen, dies instantly

Ogre (he/him): teamed up with the satyr. his name is ogre.

Moon (he/him): A Sidekick. small pale sullen guy. no mentioned race. Why is there another FUCKING sidekick WE HAD ENOUGH hhhyuuuuuu

Deanna (she/her): A bigoted centaur with an obnoxious voice. Malwin the Strong's second in command.

Malwin the Strong (she/her): Leader of the centaurs of the scarlet woods. Wants to appease the spirit of the scarlet woods so that thecentaurs of the scarlet woods will be protected in the scarlet woods. Had a relationship with Arturas in the past but their clashes are currently known to get pretty heated.

Arturas (he/him): Leader of the Centaurs of the Valley, i guess. Had a relationship with Malwin. Centaur. Did i mention centaur? i cant think of anything else about this character

# -EPISODE 14- (2 characters)

Calhain (he/him): Human wizard, Malwin's magical advisor. Kind of an amateur wizard in a job high above his skill level. Graduated Wigginstaff's as a hero.

Spirit of the Scarlet Woods: A spirit who requires sacrifice in order to keep Malwin's herd safe and prosperous. Not keen on dubiously canonical combos, i guess. i wouldnt be either. also apparently the sacrifice depends on personal value, not how much value it has to the spirit.

# -EPISODE 15- (2 characters)

Sylvia Nite (she/her): Fitzroy's magic theory teacher at knight night school, who he turned into a catfish by accident. oops!

Chaos (they/them, maybe more): Presumably a deity, gave Fitz his powers and wants him to give in to his chaotic desires. (physical desc: 9 foot tall, iridescent 'mother of pearl' skin, pure white eyes, fine burgundy cloak with gold/onyx lining. their physical form beyond that seems to change every time they show up.)

# -EPISODE 16-

none -w-

# -EPISODE 17-

some demins happened. the big dudes are called "Pit Fiends" and the armored demon ladies are called "Erinyes", by the way. that was incredibly hard for me to figure out the first time, especially without headphones, i thought travis was saying "pig feet" and i just could not discern what the other things were

# -EPISODE 18- (6 characters)

snow on the mountain: shire horse pegasus

storm at sea: peruvian paso pegasus, vehement defender of The Guardian. doesn't have a goofy voice.. but he could have....

thaw of the spring: a winged horse

night of no clouds: a winged hhorse

The Guardian: "An ancient and powerful being that guards the unknown forest." Has protected the flock from demons for many many years. apparently is the voice that was talking to our firbolg in episode 1?

Grey, the Demon Prince (he/him): wants to cause a war, originally wanted to kill hiero and higgs, forces the heroes to build an army to fight his. As "Fauxronimous", he has skin the *color and pattern of* (but not necessarily made of) slate splashed with liquid, pointed ears, sharp teeth, shining eyes, horns of unspecified shape. 12 fucking feet tall. wonder if the slate-looking skin is related to garys. plot twist detected? Also i recently looked at the episode descriptions and found out his name is spelled "Gray", but really does it truly matter?

# -EPISODE 19- (2 characters)

Shabree Keene (she/her): Argo's mom, killed on the Mariah, possibly by the Commodore. Long auburn hair, green eyes. Mentioned earlier but described here, so fuck it.

**Thomas** (he/him): Argo's first mate on the Mariah, as the Kraken, in his chaos-dream. may or may not actually exist.

# -EPISODE 20- (1 character)

The Commodore (he/him): Reknowned hero of the seas, military regalia, great naval hero, presumably responsible for the death of Shabree Keene. No mentioned race. Seriously, they never mention this guy's race. The only thing described about him is how he's dressed and his evil smile. Does that mean he's human? Elf? Dwarf??? Who knows! maybe it just doesnt matter. 

# -EPISODE 21-

none

# -EPISODE 22-

not any of them. not any.

# -EPISODE 23- (1 character)

Ozymondelius (sp???) (it/its): A warforged teacher who just so happens to like war or something? i guess its in the name. only mentioned in this episode, doesnt show up yet.

# -EPISODE 24-

they have a fight in the training room but nobody dies :\\ maybe next time. also no new characters. pog

# -EPISODE 25- (4 characters)

Gherkin (he/him): Tall lankier skeleton, has a scimitar and a merkin, which is a pubic wig... and he wears a jerkin? which i guess is a kind of coat? also i think hes mute 

Tibia (she/her?) : Shorter skeleton with gold teeth, and long canines. i think both of the skeletons are mute actually.

The Lich King aka Gordy (he/him): Rainer's dad. Commands armies of the undead. lives in The Crypt. described as a hooded, skull-faced man with intricate black lines on his face, but changes to a shaved-head man with dark skin and vetiligo. Abandoned as a babby, raised by traveling parents, had necromancy powers, took Rainier in. Not actually very scary at all i don't know why he did the creepy laugh. Kind of a warm fatherly figure actually. hm. also people are speculating Gordy might be short for Gordita and his parents are maybe supposed to be lup and barry but THAT S JUST A THEORY.

our firbolg's father (he/him): A firbolg who lived by the code and was there when our firbolg was banished. Came to respect our firbolg's interest in a new way of life, in his final moments.

TOTAL: 72 NPCS! (well, including 2 extra PCs, i guess.)

Average: 2.88 NPCs per episode.

i was gonna not include the bone-PCs and have it be 69 but our firbolg's dad was just too important to not respect with a spot on the list.

anyway as always make sure to smack me with a blunt object if i forgot any characters!!!!!

[hellyeahheroes]

Building Xiomara Rojas in D&D 5e

I had an awesome game of D&D today ad I feel so excited I decided to make a D&D build again. I mean, I recently learned D&D sells numbers comic books can dream of, so those I made may attackt hopefully some D&D fans to comics. And It’s been Lesbian Visibility Day earlier this week so let’s build one badass Lesbian from Teen Titans - Xiomara Rojas a.k.a. Crush, Daughter of Lobo

As always, I follow the template laid by Tulok the Barbarian in doing those, so we will start with Goals for this build. First, we have to be as tough and hard to put down and punching as hard as only a Half-Czarnian can. Second, we need to get a sentient chain that can move on its own. Third, we need ways to use Obelus to restrain out enemies.

For Ability Scores as always we stick to Standard Point Array - 15, 14, 13, 12, 10 and 8. You can roll or use point buy and treat my picks as guidelines, but remember that Strength and Charisma will need to meet Multiclassing Minimum, so you need at least 13 in them.

Strength: 14, you are muscle of the team after all

Constitution: 15, Czarnians are known for being extremly hard to kill and you took punches from Lobo

Dexterity: 12, there is no way what you are wearing is an armor. Okay MAYBE leather. MAYBE.

Intelligence: 8, sadly it doesn’t seem you continued traditional education after your parents were murdered

Wisdom: 10, you are reckless and fall for your father’s mind control.

Charisma: 13, must be at least good enough to attract cute girls

Now for Race. I was considering many options but in the end decided to settle on Goliath, who give us relevant abilitties and look kinda like bald Czarnians. They get +2 Strength and +1 Constitution, letting Crush start with two 16s. They are so big they count as one category larger for how much they can push, drag, lift or carry. They are so tough once per short or long rest they can roll a 1d12, add their Constitution to it and ignore that much damage and they shrug off extreme heights and cold climate.

Alternatives: Yeah, I mentioned other options -  Tiefling, especially Bloodline of Zariel or Levistus,  firts well thematically but I like to have it reserved for children of actual demons. Half-orc is another great option, so is full-blown Orc, but in the end I didn’t want to repeat Skaar, who uses a Half-Orc (Ironically guess which race I will likely use for his brother one day?).

Background: Crush entire story starts with a family who adopted her so we will go with that. Adopted background gives you three skills - Persuasion, Deception and Stealth, an ability to speak language of your adopted family and Trust Issues feature - both members of your biological and adopted race have issues trusting you fully but it causes members of other races take pity on you and trust you faster and easier. It kinda makes sense, humans fear you for being child of Lobo, and Lobo wants you dead. Meanwhile people who are in similiar boat about being aliens or other species on Earth are likely to get what you’re going through.

1st Level: Now to the Class Levels, we will kick it off as a Barbarian. Pick two skills, I’d go with Athletics and Perception. You get Unarmored Defense, meaning that as long as you are not wearing armor, your Armor Class is 10 + your Dexterity Modifier + Your Constitution Modifier. Which is good since there is no way this jacket is anything but leather armor at best.

You also learn to Rage, Twice for every long rest you can, as a bonus action, enter the state of Rage during which you deal extra 2 damage to every attack, gain resistance to bludgeoning, peircing and slashing damage and advantage on Strength checks and saving throws, but you cannot cast spells or concentrate on existing ones while you rage and it ends if you didn’t attack anything on your turn, taken damage since your last turn or are knocked unconcious.

2nd Level: And that was it for Barbarian. We will now switch to Fighter - 1st level gives us Second Wind, letting you once per long or short rest regain 1d10+ your fighter level hit points as a bonsu action. You also get to choose a fighting style. I will be covering martial side of this build first, so I’d advise you to choose depending of what you want to represent Obelus, but anything with Great Weapon Fighting would do the best possibly, as I’ll explain later.

3rd Level: 2nd Level Fighter gains Action Surge, letting you gain an extra action once per Long or Short rest.

4th Level: 3rd Level Fighter gets to choose a Martial Archetype. Brute gives you Brute Force, which lets you add 1d4 to damage of all your attacks.

5th Level: 4th Level Fighter gains an Abilitty Score Improvement, boost your Strength.

6th Level: 5th Level Fighter gets an Extra Attack, letting you attack twice on each of your turns.

7th Level: 6th Level Fighter gains another Abilitty Score Improvement, round up your Strength

8th Level: 7th Level Brute gains Brutish Durability, letting you add 1d6 to each saving throw you roll. This includes Death saves and if it would increase that roll to 20 or more you gain benefits of rolling a natural 20 on a death saving throw. 

9th Level: 8th Level Fighter gains, you guessed it, Abilitty Score Improvement, letting you now increase your Constitution

Now that we have done the physical side of Xiomara, let’s focus on her chain Obelus. I wanted to get the martial stuff out of my way quick, but you can feel free to mix two havles of this build as you see fit.

10th Level: We will now take a 1st Level of Warlock. Fiend Pact Warlock is, weirdly, having the closest relationship with their patron to Crush and her father, what’s with having power from evil, ultimatelly feared bastich who wants to control you and make you do his bidding. This pact gives you Dark One’s Blessing - whenever you drop an opponnent to 0 Hit Points you gain temporary Hit Points equal to your Charisma Modifier + Your Warlock level, which is a good way to represent regeneration Czarnians are known for, especially useful in middle of combat, where you cannot cast healing spells due to your rage.

Warlock also learns Spellcasting. You get a number of spells known and a limited number of Spell Slots you brun up to cast them, as well as Cantrips that you can always cast. Your Spell Slots are always of the higher level you can cast as a Warlock and you get them back after short or long rest. If a spell requires you to make an attack roll you add to it your Charisma modifier and Proficiency Bonus and if a spell requires a saving throw, it has to beat a number equal these two +8.

You start with two Cantrips and two Spells and you wil llearn another spell at 2nd Level

Thunderclap let’s you stopm or clap so hard that the shockwave forces all creatures within 5 feet of you to make a Constitution saving throw or suffer 1d6 thudner damage. Or rather, because this is a Cantrip, which scale with your total level, not Warlock level, 2d6 damage and 3d6 once you reach 11th level.

Sword Burst lets Obelus swirls around and works just like Thunderclap but with Dexterity saving throw and dealing force damage. I don’t know why they named it Sword Burst when it should be Chain Burst, tho.

Arms of Hadar make Obelus burst and hit all creatures within 10 feet of you, dealing them 2d6 necrotic damage and making them unable to take reactions until their netx turn, unless they make a Strength saving throw, then they only get half of the damage.

Comprehend Languages lets you understand all languages for an hour with no concentration. Xiomara is a polygoth and this spell will last even in rage.

Cause Fear lets Crush intimidate one creature that isn’t undead or a construct, forcing it to make a Wisdom saving throw or become Frightened, it ends after 1 minute or if the target makes antoher saving throw at the end of each of its turn or you break Concentration.

11th Level: 2nd Level Warlock gains Eldritch Invocations, which are extra boons from your patron or in this case from your Czarnian Herritage. Pick up Devil’s Sight, which lets you see in darkness and magical darkness at distance of 120 feet. It is not a spell, it just is on you at all times. You can change Invocations when you take a level fo Warlock, which we will do in a moment so pick whatever as your second one for now.

12th Level: 3rd Level Warlock gets to chosoe a Pact Boon. Pact of the Blade let’s you summon or imbude with your powers a weapon. As long as you wield it, you are profficient with it and it counts as magical and if you are 5 feet away from you it disappears but can be summonned again. Improved Pact weapon Eldritch Invocation also lets you use it as spellcasting focus for your spells, makes it a +1 weapon unless it already had a magic bonus and expands list of possible weapons to ranged ones. Now we could talk about what Obelus is - you could use a flail for it or you could use an actual chain as an improvised weapon, maybe convincing the DM to treat is as a two-handed equivalent of flail to get the benefits of Great-Weapon Fighting.

Your spells are now all cast from 2nd level and you also get to learn a 2nd-level spell - Hold Person lets you force a Wisdom saving throw on a target or make it paralyzed for the duration or until it succeeds another save at the end of its turn. This is basically you making Obelus wrap itself around an enemy and hold it in place.

13th Level: 4th Level Warlock gets an Ability Score Improvement, round up your Constitution, and another spell and cantrip: 

Lighting Lure let’s you shoot lighting throw Obelus around a target within 15 feet and force it to make a Strength saving throw or be pulled 10 feet towards you. If it ends the turn with 5 feet from you, it takes 3d8 lighting damage.

Shatter deals 3d8 Force damage to all creatures in 10 feet range from you, half if they pass a Constitution saving throw, but those made of inorganic materials make it with an disadvantage.

14th Level: 5th Level Warlock bumps their spell slots to 3rd level and gains a new one, and we will also use an option to exchange any spell known for another when you level up to grab two.

Exchange Comprehend Languages for Tongues, which is just stronger version of it that lets you also speak and be understood by anyone who can understand at least one language.

Fear works like Cause Fear but let’s you intimidate a group of creatures in a 30-foot cone, and if they fail a saving throw they are forced to spend their turns running away from you and get to repeat a saving throw once you’re out of their sight.

Okay, all fine and dandy, but Barbarian rage still turns off your spells so you have to choose if you rage or if you rage or cast. If there was a way to use these spell slots while you rage...Heeey, we get a new Eldritch Invocation. Eldritch Smite let’s you choose to burn up your Warlock spell slot when you strike a target to deal it extra 4d8 (1d8+ 1d8 per slott level and yours are on 3rd) force damage and if the target is Huge or smaller, you can also knock them prone

15th Level: We will now switch to Bard. Grab Acrobatics as your extra skill. 1st Level bard gains Bardic Inspiration - a d6 you can give your ally as a bonus action, letting them add it to an attack roll, abilitty check or saving throw they make within the next 10 minutes. You can do it a number of times equal your Charisma modifier per long rest. Be it cheering on Djinn or threatening Robin what will you do to him if he keeps his bs, it will certainly be useful.

You also gain Bardic Spellcasting. It works like Warlock’s but with following differences: 1. You regain spell slots on a long rest but get more of them 2. They are divided in levels and to cast a spell you need to spend a spell slot from at least its level. Your Bard and Warlock levels do not stack for determining how high spells slots or a number of spell slots you have an access to, but you can cast your Bard spells using Warlock’s slots and vice-versa.

You start with 2 Cantrips and 4 1st level spells known

Mending allows you to make small repair in objects, meaning you can help fix any damage Obelus takes for you.

Vicious Mockery lets you unleash insults that force the target to make a Wisdom saving throw or take 3d4 psychic damage and have a disadvantage on the next attack roll it makes before end of its next turn.

Earth Tremor lets you stomp the ground and force all creatures to make a Dexterity saving throw or be knocked prone and take 1d6 bludgeoning damage.

Cure Wounds lets you heal 1d8+your Charisma modifier of Hit Points.

Feather Fall lets you slown down your fall after you jump from large height make it that if you reach the ground in 1-minute duration of the spell, you won’t take any damage from the fall.

False Life lets you add 1d4+4 temporary hit points for an hour, no concentration. Cast it before battle and if enemy hits you, you can regain them with Dark One’s Blessing

You will get one more spell at next level: Heroism will make you immune to being frightened and let you regain temporary hit points equal your Charisma modifier at the beginning of each of your turns.

16th Level: 2nd Level Bard becomes Jack of All Trades, meaning you now add half your proficiency modifier to all skills you aren’t already profficient in. You also learn song of rest, letting you and everyone else reroll an extra 1d6 when you roll to regain HP on a short rest.

17th Level: 3rd Level Bard gains Expertise in two skills, letting you double your Proficiency bonus for them. I’d pick Athletics and Perception. You also get to choose a Bardic College. College of Creation lets you give a special Note of Potential alongside your Bardic Inspiration that can be spent while a character rolls it. If they use Inspiration for an Ability Check, they can roll it twice and choose a better result. If for an attack roll, they can make every creature within 5 feet suceeed a Constitution saving throw as if you cast a spell or take damage equal to Bardic Inspiration roll. If on a saving throw, they can also gain temporary hit points equal to what they rolled on the Inspiration die + your Charisma modifier.

You also get to learn a 2nd level spell but before that let me jump to 18th Level where 4th Level Bard gains an Abilitty Score Improvement,invest in your Charisma (or Grab Resilent Feat for it if it’s on an odd number), and gets to learn another 2nd Level spell and a new Cantrip

Message is the communicator allowing you to contact rest of the team by sending short messages and allowing a short reply.

Locate Object lets you focus and sense an object you have seen if it is is within 1000 feet from you and not behind any thick walls or barriers. It will help if anyone tries to steal Obelus again.

Enchance Abilitty lets you give yourself an advantage on one type of Abilitty check. If it’s Strength it doubles your already big carrying capacity. If it’s Constitution it gives you 2d6 extra hit points for the duration. If it’s Dexterity you don’t take damage from falling unless you’re incapitated.

19th Level: 5th Level Bard gets to boost their Bardic Inspiration to d8 and regains them on a short rest. You also learn a 3rd Level spell now and another on next level

Nondetection is a no-concentration spell that let’s you hide yourself from divination magic for 8 hours, which is useful when your enemies include a secret crime lord, a Gene Satan, world’s deadliest assassin, your dad and Lex freaking Luthor.

Dispel Magic let’s you cast it to erase effects of any spell of 3rd level or lower automatically and of highter levels if you past a Charisma check of difficulty 10 + spell level. You can use it to play shrugging off negative effects, like breaking whatever is holding you.

20th Level: Our capstone is 6th Level of Bard for two abilitties. Countercharm let’s you use your turn to give you and all allies within 30 feet an advantage on saving throws agains being frightened or charmed.

College of Creation meanwhile gives us Animating Performance, letting you bring a large or smaller item to life. It act after you, as a bonus action you can tell it to make an attack that deals 1d8+you Charisma modifier of damage and then take Dodge as a bonus action, it cannot have it’s form changed by magic, be charmed, exhausted or poisoned, sees up to 60 feet in the dark, has 16 ac, Hit points equal item’s base Constitution modifier + Yor Charisma modifier + five times yoru Bard level.

Overview: And this is my take on Crush: Goliath Barbarian 1/Brute Fighter 8/Fiend Pact Warlock 5/College of Creation Bard 6. let’s see how good this build is.

Pros: First of all, you can deal a pretty decent amount of damage with Rage, Brute Force and Eldritch Smite. Second, you should have close to 250 HP, making you a decent tank, especially with ways to gain temporary HP, heal or shrug damage. Third, you have a lot of abilitties that can be used to support you and your companions even while you rage - Dark One’s Blessing, Eldritch Smite, Devil’s Sight, Bardic Inspiration, Countercharm, Note of Potential and Animating Performance - none requiring concentration. Fourth, you also have a number of spells you can use once you run out of rages, instead of rage or outside of combat, meaning you’re always useful to the party and a threat to your enemies. Finally, you can have a helpful companion dealing additional damage, helping flank and soaking hits meant for others and you can use it as you use your weapon, maybe even agree with DM it’s two separate ends of the same big chain?

Cons: As good as rage is, it basically shuts down your spellcasting and you have limited uses of it, meaning you have to think carefully how to approach each combat and plan ahead. Second, you are MAD - multiple abilitty dependent. It means your AC is mediocre because of your low Dexterity and your saving throw dc, that many of your offensive spells rely on, is nothing to write home about. Third, in order to get Obelus be both sentient, as pact weapons are usually portrayed, and moving, we had to take basically low level dips into two classes whose casting doesn’t stack, leaving you with a number of low-level spells that at higher levels will not be as dangerous.

In the end however, you are pretty versitile tank, who can get into the combat and be really hard to put down. Remember that you cannot do things alone and you’re best at soaking damage and keeping the enemies away from your allies and I doubt even your dad could be a threat to you. All you need is a good support from second line, maybe an archer or a genie....

- Admin

[thatssogayvenrp]

Petyr Cliffside | The Shadow Chancellor

The top two floors of Kunt Tower in Astorbury are active crime scenes. 

There are no signs of forced entry, which baffles the Orange Battalion captain who has been on duty for the past 36 hours in question. “We were obviously on higher alert,” the Captain insists defensively. “And obviously, that was fruitful, because nobody broke in.”

Cliffside gestures pointedly at the corpse of Dunghill Kunt, in true Mind Flayer form in death without a spell to alter his appearance. The tentacles are a sickly orange. “Then what,” Cliffside says through gritted teeth, “happened here??”

The Captain’s arms remain folded across his armored chest when he shrugs. “An inside job, perhaps?” he shrugs. “The Chancellor has many enemies, including those on his own side.” His hard stare lingers on Cliffside’s gaze with a raised eyebrow. 

Cliffside stares back, noting but not verbally addressing the thinly-veiled accusation. “Then can you explain why at least two of your men let somebody into the building?”

“Riiiiiiight, one helpless woman snuck in and killed several people, including the most powerful psionic in the country. Twice,” the Captain scoffs. “Fine, fine. Shrub, Paul, get over here.” He summons two guards posted at the stone door leading to the garbage lift. 

They approach, looking more annoyed than professional. Their shift  was supposed to end at 10, but whatever the hell happened here has ruined their plans. 

“Yes, Captain?” Paul, the taller of the two, asks, his question filled a little bit of bite. 

“Describe the lost woman.”

“She was, uh...” Paul struggles to remember. “She was looking for a club? Something about a foam party?” The very distinct window of her shirt, showing a hint of glistening skin...

“What did she look like?” Cliffside asks impatiently. 

Paul finds it best to keep his limited observations quiet.  

Shrub, with less tact, pipes up. “She was...hot?”

Well, there goes that. “Bro, she WAS,” Paul admits. 

“She invited us to a party.”

“She’s waiting for us NOW.”

“Hah, I think she’s waiting for ME —-“

“Gentlemen, please.” Cliffside presses his fingers to his temple, feeling the imminent headache coming on. All of this is an absolute mess. 

The Captain, only mildly embarrassed about his men’s antics, waves away Cliffside’s anger. “Sure, say this is the woman that got into the building. You expect me to believe she alone did all of —-this?” He gestures broadly to the entire room, littered with the dead bodies of Bannaruk, Kunt, and Mknaw’l. The tortle shell is badly charred and an acrid burn smell still lingers. 

It’s useless to get anything more out of the Captain at this point. Cliffside excuses himself and goes to the top floor. The stone statue doors have been propped open with heavy anvils to ensure continued access as Orange Battalion soldiers file in and out to investigate. Without Kunt’s psionic directives to the statues, it’s unclear how else to keep the doors open, and it’s surprising that this actually works. 

On his way through the first room, Cliffside addresses the dwarf statue, animated and quietly thrilled by all of the activity around him. 

“You there,” Cliffside barks. “Statue.”

“Uhm, it’s Dwayne,” the statue corrects. 

“And Hercules!” the other statue calls from the open, adjacent room. Cliffside turns to see the other animated dwarf statue waving. 

“Hey pal, this is my conversation with an outsider, get your own,” Dwayne barks.

“Years of suspense and mystery and I finally get to hear your voice,” Hercules shoots back. “Safe to say I am underwhelmed.”

The headache has definitely manifested and Cliffside wonders how everyone has managed to be so annoying on the same day at the worst possibly time. He crosses to the second room so he can stand between both statues. 

Kunt would never give objects names, Cliffside notes. Curious. “Enough, both of you. Tell me about the people that came through here.”

“Why do you wanna know?” Hercules asks with a laugh. The five were an odd bunch, but they were a lot chummier than anyone else who had crossed through and attempted the puzzles. Would it kill some of these adventurers to have a sense of humor? Yeesh.  

“Yeah, you gonna kill ‘em or something?” Dwayne jokes. 

Cliffside’s expression is dark. “Yes.” 

The smile on Dwayne’s face vanishes. It’s unclear if Cliffside notices. 

“Remember who you serve,” Cliffside reminds them. 

“The big boss man?” Hercules offers in answer, completely ignoring the rhetorical nature of the statement.

“Yeah, didn’t one of you guys —“ Dwayne nods at Cliffside, “— say he was dead?”

Cliffside rolls his eyes. It’s not like these statues could leave this tower and tell everyone the truth of what happened. “Yes, he’s dead. Whatever.”

The statues exchange a look but it’s unclear whether Cliffside catches that too. Hercules shoots a subtle nod across the room and Dwayne seems to consider the question for a moment. 

“Uh, four of them I think?” Dwayne finally answers. “Couldn’t see very well.”

“Seriously,” Hercules interjects, “would it kill you to put better lighting in here? I know we are modeled after dwarves, but does that mean that we actually have darkvision?”

Cliffside rolls his eyes. “What did these four look like?” It was like pulling teeth getting information out of anyone today. It was unclear if everyone was hiding something or just simply obtuse. Could have been both, but neither one was appreciated. 

“A woman with brown hair. A dwarf. A tall, bald goliath. Another lady with visible bosom. That’s all I got,” Dwayne says with a shrug. He remembers more but omits further details. He omits completely the curly redhead and the fact that the goliath was carrying something extra on the way out. Although this guy here speaks authoritatively, he is NOT the Bossman, and the Bossman left no instructions to answer anyone else truthfully. 

Hercules agrees from across the room. The five were probably only joking when they said they would return (maybe not the bosom lady, though, she had a wild sort of sincerity about her that he found himself believing), but they would definitely not return if they were dead as this man wanted them to be. 

Cliffside rolls his eyes as he waves off the statues and continues into the final, cavernous room. None of the statues’ descriptions matched anyone from any wanted posters. Maybe the brown-haired woman but that was too vague of a description to go off of. 

It was maddening, getting so little information out of everyone in this tower. Cliffside knows there is likely more detail. He kicks himself for not having his own informants in the tower, but remembers that that was made more difficult by the fact that this was Kunt’s private property and was regulated as such. But to have held someone captive on government property would have been even more dangerous. It’s all beside the point now, Cliffside has to remind himself, as the damage has already been done and they can only move forward at this point.

Rihan trots up to Cliffside as he enters the room. 

“News of the others?” Cliffside asks. 

Rihan knows he is referring to the other nobles in power. “Hiding. Scared. Everything you would expect, especially after the anarchist attack on Zechman’s Estate.” Rihan shrugs. “They know this could have been them if they were here.” Rihan leans in for a whisper. “They are now even more convinced that The Plan should be carried out, some say immediately. Be careful what you wish for.”

Cliffside shakes his head, keeping his voice low. “Not the time yet.” Indeed, not the time, especially when the unrest in the cities was building but could still be undermined. Better to divide and disperse that growing momentum before the final blow, to ensure that everyone stayed down when struck. 

“No,” Cliffside says, “best not to let anyone know what happened here. Not until we get control of the situation. As relieved as I am that this bastard is dead, we can’t deny that he has a very loyal following. It is small, but they have taken his influence and words to heart. They will tear our cause apart if we do not secure their loyalty.”

Cliffside looks at the tall metal spikes at the center of the room. The half-elf, the presumed and self-declared guiding hand behind the resistance movement, is gone. 

“We don’t want anyone to think the anarchists have bested us,” Cliffside continues. “But we tell them that —“ he considers for a moment, “—tell them their terrorist figurehead is dead. That should fracture some of the support and send the message that we are not to be challenged.”

”But we don’t know that she’s actually dead,” Rihan points out. “Do we want to risk her being seen and reviving any momentum.”

”We will handle that if it arises,” Cliffside says, surveying the debris at the foot of the spikes for anything left behind. Nothing. “And we tell the public that the Chancellor has been removed to an undisclosed location for his safety, in light of the incidents here.”

“And of Mknaw’l, Banarruuk, and the two hags?” Rihan asks. 

Cliffside looks down at the bodies of the two hags and considers this for a moment. 

“Mknaw’l and Banarruuk have been removed for similar reasons. It will not do to have lost so many influential members of our movement in one fell swoop,” Cliffside says. “But we say the hags were killed in cold blood, targeted for nothing more than their support of a popular figure. That could drum up some sympathy and anger in our favor.”

He looks down at his splinted fingers, healed but still sensitive from his run-in with the half-elf. “Tell the other nobles that we have some work to do,” Cliffside says. “We have to make sure this doesn’t happen to us as well.”

[bambamramfan]

Superheroes

[Thing I wrote when Marvel was first promising a “woman Thor”]

I admit I was a little bothered by an article I saw bemoaning recent trends in science fiction and other genre movies. I don't argue with it's data, so much as the tilt of its conclusions. The article complains that scifi movies these days aren't really about the future, but rather about a different vision of now. They're not about tomorrow, they're about today.

Of course they are about today. Science fiction in all forms is always about today. Because today is all we know. We can talk about the future but it's almost entirely commentary on the current world, and the current truths we live in. None of us are from tomorrow, how could we write to it?

This is a good thing. It means science fiction (and other work) can tell us lessons for our current lives.

The other trend this article laments is the too many superheroes. A movie about superheroes isn't really a movie about us.

But much like "writing about the future" is really talking about today, then writing about "superheroes" can really be talking about everyone. When Spiderman recalls "with great power comes great responsibility", our reaction should not be "wow sounds like such a burden I'm glad I'm not him."

So I wanted to write about superheroes some. What are they telling us?

And first off, we need to distinguish a Super Hero movie from… well, a vigilante movie. A superhero is about a symbol that inspires the general populace. It's not that they do great things, but they proclaim "great things can be done."

A vigilante is just a dude who hits things pretty hard and solves the problem themselves.

What is Superman's power in one term? His power is to do the impossible. It's why they kept adding new powers all the time until cannon froze around Crisis on Infinite Earths (and why the end of Superman the movie wasn't shocking). It's all about thinking something is impossible, and then doing it! In an unexpected, garish, and often fairly public way. This is why the most famous line about him is "Up in the air, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's Superman!" He is all about us, the public, witnessing and being in awe of his impossibleness. (And his second most famous line, about truth, justice and the American way, is also meant to be inspiring.)

Superman's secret identity is a nebbish reporter who is almost offensively normal. This isn't a subtle disdain on his part, but rather a promise. Anyone could secretly be Superman. Why, even *you* could secretly be Superman. Any day you could rip off your shirt, fly over the moon, and save the city.

Superman is hope. Kryptonite represents, well, cynicism.

Batman, is like the opposite of this in all ways. He lurks in the shadows, and really does intend to fix all the problems himself. Batman is well known for inspiring an emotion – and that emotion is fear, in his enemies. (The yellow lanterns admit he is the greatest of them.) He's not a symbol for us to be in awe of, he's a symbol for others to cower before.

Populist fans admire Batman because he's human whereas Superman "cheats" by being an alien with superpowers. But well, I can be Clark Kent. We can't be Bruce Wayne. He's born a billionaire and has psychological fixtures we can never replicate. There's nothing populist about lionizing a obsessive billionaire.

(This is part of why The Dark Knight is such a morally bankrupt movie. People are inspired by Batman to be like him – and they are depicted as objects of pathetic ridicule who need to be stopped for their own safety. Gotham does need a hero to look up to, and so Batman and Gordon invent one out of a lie. It's basically saying "inspiration is for suckers.")

Who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman? That's really asking "Who would win in a fight between hope and fear?"

(Maybe if fear wore a ring of cynicism… See how these symbols work?)

***

Which brings me to the other goliath that's dominating the public imagination vis a vis superheroes and vigilantes: the Avengers. What do each of them stand for? By and large, they're not vigilantes.

Captain America is very, very obviously a superhero. His meek background is used to emphasize that anyone of us could become the symbol of idealism he currently is.

Iron Man is a billionaire yes, but at least he's a superhero for libertarians. He flaunts his power and oblivious do-gooder spirit, and encourages everyone else to be as smart as him and show up Uncle Sam who wants to horde all the cool toys to themselves. He's a fairly amoral superhero, but still it's something.

The Hulk is more primal than any of the above. It's not necessarily a pleasant inspiration to see him trampling through a metropolis, but it promises a sort of chaotic, undifferentiated power. There's more things than dreamt of in our philosophies.

Thor. And then there's Thor.

***

Oh my goodness, a woman Thor is such a bad idea. Why? Well lets go through the above Avengers and see what sort of inspiration they stand for. Then we can ask, how would a woman version of that character change the interpretation?

Captain America stands for America of course, but he also stands for idealism itself. He believes in people, and not out of naivete. He sees the fallen world and still believes in the best.  He never compromises, but also never loses faith in the people he cares about. A woman filling that role… is actually a radical departure AND an unambiguously good statement. I don't even know what it would mean, but I'd like to see it.

A woman Iron Man means like, nothing. You can be rich and smart and make things and generally disdainful of other people AND a woman. Iron Man is not a good person, he just happens to tag along for good things. There's nothing inherently revolutionary about a woman filling that role instead. It would work pretty smoothly and we might not even notice the difference. It would be Ayn Rand, but less edgy.

(Perhaps the best joke in that comic would be that when she's inside the suit of armor, no one can tell the difference between her and Tony Stark at all.)

The Hulk? The Hulk is basically phallic power. The woman version of the Hulk… is already a really popular comic called She-Hulk. And any fan of that series knows that she mostly solves her problems without or going beyond the use of brute force. She's clever and has personal skills besides her super powers (Note: superscience is a superpower. Itisn’t really a skill any of us can develop. Her organizational skills are.) The entire comic is basically a joke "What would a woman do with a phallus? Not much, she doesn’t need it." Consequently, it's a pretty good comic.

So what is Thor. Thor stands for worthiness. He didn't create or climb to his power, it was just given to him for who he is (son of Odin). But on the other hand, it necessitates an incredible standard that he must always maintain. He's good-hearted, loyal, determined, and many other generically good moral traits. Whenever he goes against Asgardian-morality, he loses his powers. The chief feature of his hammer is that no one else can lift it – Mjolnir is a worthiness symbol just as much as the sword in the stone. He doesn't even want his future kingship, which is contrasted with his very UNworthy brother.

I don't really like this, even though I like Thor. He's generally a liberal superhero arguing on the liberal side of things when politics comes up. And he dearly loves his brother, even as he's a pathetic snake. These are great things, but are largely treated as inconvenient biproducts of his essential worthiness. Like "Oh yeah, Thor is very generous because he's worthy, which means he will never give up on Loki, but that's just Thor, that's not at all a sign that *we* shouldn't give up on Loki." (This contrasts with Captain America. When Cap never gives up on Bucky, we understand that *we* should never give up on Bucky either. Faith in Bucky is *why* we admire Cap. For Thor, it's just a side-effect.) And worthiness… is not a good meta-virtue. Judging that people can only have certain power if they meet a standard of personality, is a fairly destructive moral heuristics. I could give plenty of examples of groups where this goes more wrong than right.

You know what group *really* doesn't need more of the message of worthiness? Women. A woman Thor would basically redouble on his inherent message that you can only participate if you meet certain unwritten standards. That you have no inherent value, but you have to prove your value every day. Ugh ugh ugh. How many times are women already told this? Too many.

This would be bad. So bad.

Now, one comic reinforcing sexism isn't going to be the dowfall of western civilization, obviously. But here's what will happen. The very people excited for "A Big Name Woman Superhero!" are going to find themselves… surprised. Upset. Woman Thor will be trying to live up to impossible standards, and only praised when she does (or punished when she strays from the arbitrarily chosen moral path) and holy shit will that look uncomfortable to readers. And Thor will meekly accept that and continue to try to retain the good graces of Odin.

Imagine the first scene where woman Thor can’t lift Mjolnir for whatever stupid reason it is this week.

They'll wonder why, and they'll conclude "latent sexism by the writers" which was half true, but was inevitable from the word go because of what Thor stands for. And since no one will be happy from this, it counts as a bad idea.

There is of course, one way this could be redeemed, but it would be the end of the comic. Thor could go before Odin, after she has strayed, and say "My time as a woman has taught me what utter bullshit all these rules and moral standards are. Fuck worthiness. Fuck you. I am done with all this. Me and Loki are out."

That would be rad.

[transcendencenyu]

terrie//complementary

“You’re very handsome.” We stood outside the restaurant, watching some of the others file in, some mingling outside before entering, because out here was safe. In there, we could already tell: it was a war zone. We were dressed for battle, only the finest gear to keep us protected in there, weapons drawn and ready to defend ourselves no matter what happened. My battle armor was simple, skin tight, and fit perfectly to keep in time with my body should I need to run or dodge out of the way of an attack: a short black dress, definitely one for the summer, the back mostly exposed, and the interior silken cloth covered by a harder exterior shell, a laced flowery design that pulled in the otherwise loose fabric toward my frame. Naturally, I detested dresses, but it was one that Paisley adored, one she made me buy because she “could tell” it made me look hot, although I knew she just loved the feel of it. I also rocked some sweet red converse, naturally, my boots ready to trudge through the muds of our soon-to-be bloodied arena. To anyone else, it seemed like a simple summer outfit, but Bucky and Stephen could tell it was something more, a shield against the dark forces that threatened our kingdom. I needed all the help I could get to go up against a godlike entity and the heroes around that were easily swayed by his power and charm. David, meet Goliath.

“I know,” Stephen replied shortly. “I don’t need you to tell me.”

It took a moment to pull my stare from the gates to hell, looking back to Stephen, my special weapon to ward off the most stubborn kind of ignorant asshole, and here he was, reminding me why I never complimented him. “It’s kind of the thing people do, when they want to, you know, compliment someone? It wouldn’t kill you to try it sometime,” I replied. I’d learned the best way to deal with Stephen was giving him the same amount of attitude—so long as it checked out factually—and he’d be subdued temporarily. We definitely were opposites in many regards, but we always found a way to meet in the middle. My sarcastic assholeism did the job well.

“Right. I typically don’t bother with pleasantries. They get in the way.”

A huge sigh said, “I know,” and I looked back to the Colosseum, knowing that lingering too long was a sure sign of weakness. No, we had to go in, chests out, like we were the ones in control. It was a fight to the death, and I hadn’t lost yet.

We found our seats beside Bucky and Steve, Stephen beside Tony. Honestly, I hadn’t spoken to the narcissistic dick in a while, but if anyone could put up steel defenses against this intruder, it was Tony. Even Steve seemed a little guarded today, and Bucky was ready to throw down (although this was normal for him). Bruce beside Tony—yet another person I hadn’t spoken with properly in a while—was wary as ever, concealed by his timid behavior, when really he could lash out at any given moment should things go wrong. Quickly, as the night officially began, we could tell there was a civil war brewing among the two sides of the table.

Natasha and Clint sat beside Paisley, held hostage by her new man, and our giant friend who, really, would go along with anything. I only received one look from Clint, but it was enough to remind me he was forever on Paisley’s side, pitting me against him so that I’d be opposite of my best friend. Already, they were getting distracted in music selection, but my eyes narrowed and locked on my target from the moment he spoke his first word. Straight across from me, Peter and I both knew we were entering our very own Cold War. A standoff against two assholes for Paisley’s attention and approval, and the games had already begun. You could tell he was nervous, no doubt guilty of something, just by the way he addressed the crowd, completing a rather impressive feat by meeting us all at once--his foolish and fatal mistake. He had some allies, sure, but I wouldn’t bet his team over mine any day.

I couldn’t help but lean forward, intrigued by his mannerisms, his not-so-careful phrasing of it all, calling it, us, a trial. He must have thought us judges, his executioners even, but this was much more than a hearing. No, this was a test, a skill challenge to see how much he could endure before he’d finally break and decide for himself that Paisley wasn’t worth the trouble (like any worthless man would). We were all here to find that out, to see how fast the little one would squirm. To see how the mighty fall when they see true power. Tony was especially good at this, making small, almost silent comments to Bruce and Stephen and me, making it nearly impossible to keep from giggling, or at least smiling this sly, twisted grin in Peter’s direction. Had my hatred been misdirected, I would have been the equivalent to a high school mean girl, but since I felt the bitterness was well deserved, Tony actually made the night quite pleasant, and rather straining for Quill. I knew I’d have to speak to Tony later, privately, on the matter, maybe even with drinks. If he wasn’t still a major asshole.

Then came the questions. Steve started out small—god, did it sound like an interview of some kind: “Can you please tell us about a time when you acted as a leader to accomplish a task with your girlfriend?” The whole time I was imagining him imagining Paisley naked (which was unfortunately very easy to do since I had), my nails trying to dig into the very fabric that was keeping me safe while my senses told me to relax. Sure, maybe Peter hadn’t done anything wrong yet. The only way to know was to ask, right? Unless either of them knew how to lie (totally sure that wouldn’t be the case). I could see Peter, already tense, locking eyes with Steve. As if the bastard hadn’t done enough already, he attacked Steve with his previous relationship, one I’m sure Paisley told him in confidence. I was caught off guard, trying to consider how a twisted sicko could use his supposed girlfriend’s words against her good friend, and I spit out the first thing I could think of to keep him off Steve.

“I picked those out, the glasses.” His attention shifted, fighting between Steve and me, like he was sizing the two of us up, considering which one was the weaker link, which one could go down in less hits. He hadn’t decided yet.

Bucky was brave enough to ask the million dollar question--one that would have made me laugh for hours had it not been so serious--yet Paisley’s answer meant almost nothing to me. In a room full of her closest friends, trying to impress them? She’d lie. Peter too, unless he didn’t know any better. With sex temporarily out of the way, however, conversations began to break off, and I was left staring at Peter, emotionless but challenging. He held his ground, staring back, never shifting, but his eyes expressed his discomfort--a weakness to take advantage of. In sizing me up, he’d let his barrier down just long enough for me to find an opening.

“So. Pete,” my tongue clicked as I held him down, my eyes like hands around his neck, firm yet nonlethal for the time being.

“It’s Peter, actually.”

The corners of my mouth twitched upward just barely, and I leaned back into my chair for the first time since seeing him this up close, relaxed and comfortable with the dominance I had over him. “Right. Tell me, Pete, what do you like to do for fun?”

The question, obviously trapped, was phase one in a plan listed with many phases. Of course, I would start small, working my way up to the Earth shattering bombs only if needed, wanting to leave zero casualties in his selfish war. “Okay, yeah, I’m usually looking for the next dance battle, or enjoying the last of what the universe gave us of Bowie and his sick storytelling ability.”

“Lovely. Very practical.”

“Well, when you’re trying to save the world one flash mob at a time, it’s best to come prepared.”

“Your family must be so proud,” I said, monotone in every response, while he tried his best to give me enough sass to flood the area.

“Yeah. Do you ever smile? Your face change at all, or is it just stuck like that?”

“You want me to smile?” I narrowed my eyes and gave a smirk, a gentle one, then looked away, nearly scoffing. The man who made faces at me wanted me to smile. Adorable.

Peter cranes his head back a bit, perplexed. “Okay, I see why you don’t. Damn.”

My resting bitch face came back, and I continued to delve into his brittle soul. “I’m sure you’ve told your friends all about your girlfriend. Why haven’t we met them?” Anything personal was a good place to start, although the atmosphere of chattering and clinking didn’t set the tone for any of the real questions I wanted to get to. Of course, I wasn’t a dick, I wouldn’t try and make him cry, but I did want to see him angry.

Quickly, his attention is pulled away, and my emotionless stare burns into a fiery, dark rage. Honestly, I hated few people in this world, but god did he want to be one of them. I wanted to cut him with the sharpest of words, but I just had to find the right ones. Tony had been watching Peter and me mostly, intrigued but realizing I wasn’t getting anywhere--yet. He took it upon himself to cut me off and inquire about Peter’s major, explaining another disappointment that only Peter could accomplish. An astronomy major in Missouri? Yeah, right. The only thing more pointless than a worthless major was going to college without a major. At least Paisley realized that, shooting back at me with a similar contempt I had for Pete. Peter, meanwhile, laughed everything off, sending more fire through my veins, my very own flood of fuel which worsened the flames with each word he spoke. I felt the pressure welling up inside of me, threatening to burst. Paisley pretending he was so perfect and so wonderful killed me, and I turned my head finally, tearing my eyes from Peter to sigh and growl under my breath to Stephen, “Why did we even try to come?” For once, Stephen took initiative then, seeing my struggle and speaking up.

“What do you want, Paisley? A stamp of approval?” My man slowly reached his hand from underneath the table, not to grab mine, but to touch my thigh gently with the back of his hand, to be present while I was mentally wringing Peter’s neck. I’d almost killed him in my head, too, when he interrupted that sweet, sweet imaginary visage of his bloodied smolder weakening. I could tell in an instant, that after the staring, the prodding, and the waiting, Peter was getting tired of being on the defense. He knew he’d lose if he kept taking blow after blow, so he turned himself to me, and he began to make his attack. I guess you could say he’d decided on the weaker link.

Of course, I had come prepared to fight. Nothing he could say would throw me off, nothing that I hadn’t already prepared for, and I knew this, staring him down as he charged ahead. His words cut instantly through Paisley, then Bucky, then Steve, and slowly I began to realize one small gap in my plan: I couldn’t have possibly prepared for something I didn’t know existed.

He saw my barrier exposed now, my internal struggle to flee before he could get any closer, and he took the chance to light a fuse and run. “Yeah. When you and Steve dated, she was jealous. That was the plan, right? So, they’d get together?” He disappeared with Paisley, the others were speaking, but I no longer made out words. I glanced over slowly to Steve, head still in his hands, then at Bucky who couldn’t even look back. Suddenly, nothing else mattered. My heart was pounding--I could hear thick, heavy pulses of blood thrumming against my eardrums and causing my eyes to weaken, my vision darkening. I couldn’t even process the information, only movements, my body slowly rising, then shifting, moving like a dismembered body held together with tacks and paperclips, until I was outside without really understanding why. God, did Rio look beautiful at night.

I don’t know how long I was out. It couldn’t have been more than five minutes before someone finally came to check up on me, coming to rest at the same bench my broken body had slumped into. Even at night, the wind blew nothing but hot breaths of air into my face and hair, tugging at the corners of my dress with pubescent curiosity. I didn’t seem to notice or care.

“Everyone is wondering if you’ll be joining us again,” he said, his low voice melding with the wind to create a harmonious hum for me. “They thought it would be best to give you space.”

I looked over, trying to focus, my mind unwillingly blocking out sights and sounds around me as I fell somewhere deep within my mind palace. “And what do you think is best, Stephen?”

His eyes were moving around, observing the area despite being somewhere lost on his own beside me. “I’m sorry, about which problem?” Was there a hint of sarcasm there? I couldn’t tell.

“About.. About Peter. About.. this dinner. What should I do?” My eyes found him then, searching his face for an answer, his mind a chasm full of knowledge and insight that didn’t begin to cover the rather unimpressive crack in the pavement that fit mine.

“Well, for starters, I think you need to stop letting the past influence your decisions with this man. We clearly don’t know enough about him, and this isn’t exactly the best way to do it.” It was different with Stephen, something I never felt with Grant, the way his mere presence felt comforting, felt sheltered. He was rarely physical, but his near proximity was enough. It was exactly what I needed after the way Grant treated me, not having to worry about flinching or pulling away from contact, not offending Stephen for still having memories crawl back to the center of my world when I least expected them. His temper was just as bad when it got to that point, but he kept to himself, respecting my space and only letting me make moves (which he didn’t even want half the time). He was his absolute best when he was alone, just him and me, and his secret playful side that would come out on rare occasions. Nothing like Steve.

“Why give him a chance to hurt her? If he does, Clint will fucking blame it on me, and I’ll blame myself, and I’ll have failed her twice, and Paisley.. She doesn’t deserve that. She deserves the right man at the right time, and him, right now? He’s not it.” Slowly, as I was speaking, I felt emotion come back to me, feeling the weight of my body, feeling exhausted and drained, feeling my body vibrate from the sheer force of the shock. I’d have to accept that Steve and Bucky and Paisley all lied to me about something so stupid, something that very well could have ruined my chances with Steve, but it wasn’t like that mattered, right? I was with Stephen. Everything worked out. It was better this way.

“We don’t know he isn’t, and we shouldn’t control her for our own selfish fears. I agree, he isn’t.. quite what I was expecting, but it’s ultimately Paisley’s decision, and as her friend, you have to honor that.” I looked back at the entrance, wondering if Pai and Peter had rejoined the group, if they even missed us. “Right now, she just needs you to support her, Terrance. Just be there for her.” He paused, seeing my hesitation, considering whether or not it was safe to say anything else, to push his luck. He’d witnessed my anger, knew it was eating away at my judgement, but mentioning it could very well make it worse. It was too unpredictable to really say. “Tell me, if you managed to be the perfect friend for Paisley, would you finally stop acting like her?”

“I don’t act like Paisley. Far from it—”

“You know she’s not who I’m referring to.” There was a palpable pause, my heart skipping a beat, my body tensing up once more from shock, like the way I locked up during horror films ( “You’ll definitely love this one, Terrie. It’s not even scary!” said the worst liar ever, AKA Bucky, AKA not my best friend anymore).

“I.. honestly don’t know,” I admitted lamely. Stephen never mentioned my past, both of us knowing he was aware of it, but him deciding to be respectful of it. It was chilling how observant he was, how he could distinguish lies from the truth like that. “Right now, I just.. I want to not fail Paisley again. I just want to see her smile and laugh again, like the real Pai we knew and loved.”

“She wants that too. This is her way of trying.” Suddenly, my eyes were clouded with tears that just seemed to appear, and I leaned over to find Stephen, resting against him. He gingerly wrapped his arm around my waist to allow me to move closer, and I took in a deep breath only to sigh and wipe my eyes. 

“What should I do? I mean, I can’t just walk back in there and pretend nothing happened, can I?”

“I believe that’s what everyone else is doing. It’s a good step one.”

I nodded once, sniffling and wiping at my eyes again, trying to quickly end the tears and let the redness fade again so we could rejoin the others. By now, my eyelashes were matted together, tangled and clumped, loose ones tearing away easily as I tried to fix them. What a wonderful life it was for me to not worry about makeup. “God, I’m a mess,” I said, letting out some amalgamation from trying to laugh and cry at the same time.

“..You look alluring. Ah, beautiful.” He gave a very slight smile, and I couldn’t help but laugh again and smile back, weak as ever but stable in my current condition thanks to Stephen. We sat in silence for one last moment, my head on his chest while I listened to the beating of his heart and wondered if mine would ever beat the same again, then together we braved the storm that was beginning again.

[roughand]

The Last Jedi

Things I enjoyed

Rey

I liked Rey a lot in this movie. I thought Daisy Ridley gave a strong performance, and she really made me feel her frustration and exasperation. I liked the nuance she brought to her scenes with Ben, and I liked what a good no-bullshit foil she was for Luke. I don’t have a lot to say because I liked pretty much everything she did, even when she was stuck in a less-than-good scene.

Rey’s Parentage

I didn’t mind that Rey’s parents were nobodies. It’s kind of nice, because for the last 20 years Star Wars as a franchise has been obsessed with the Skywalkers, to the point that they’ve become this narrative trump-card, and in any conflict it’s only a matter of time before one of them turns up and performs some heroic feat using the Force. I don’t love the fact that Rey is both super powerful AND innately skilled (as it robs her journey of some much needed conflict), but I do at least like the fact that she’s not a Skywalker, and can hopefully explore her own path.

Ben Solo

Adam Driver is excellent in the role, and brings a lot of menace and tension to the scene whenever he’s on screen. I don’t love the narrative decision to make him the Big Bad for the next movie, but at the very least he’s doing good things with the material they are giving him. I liked his conflict, I liked his interactions with Rey, and I liked his insane lack of control toward the end. He’s a very finely-crafted character.

Ben’s reason for turning to the Dark Side

I thought this moment, where Luke senses the growing darkness and Snoke’s corruption in Ben and briefly turns his lightsaber on, was perfect. It was such a raw moment that fit into what we knew about both characters. Luke is rash and impulsive, he always has been. Ben Solo is clearly hurting from wounds and rejections we don’t fully understand yet, but we can see the emotional scars. It makes sense for Luke to peer over the precipice but ultimately back down from killing Ben, just like it makes sense for Ben to feel a powerful sense of betrayal, and to carry that rage and hatred for a very long time. This was excellent characterization, and one of the few moments where I felt the movie (or really, the new trilogy) had strong and good ideas about what happened to Luke/Leia/Han post-ROTJ.

Ben & Rey

I liked the weird Force-connection that let them interact with each other, even if it was ultimately revealed to have been one of Snoke’s ploys. But the two are the most talented actors in the production, so giving them a chance to play off each other is a good idea. Plus, this introduced an aspect of the Force that, while new, didn’t feel too out of line with what we’d already known.

The destruction of the Dreadnought above D’Qar

This fight had the benefit of being at the start of the movie, which meant you couldn’t be sure how any of it would play out. We don’t know if Poe will get shot down and captured, or crash on some strange planet, or be sent hurtling into space. Maybe the attack will succeed, maybe it will fail horribly, maybe there will be heavy losses on both sides. It’s all possible, and made for exciting action.

They also did a good job with minor characters like Rose’s sister, and giving them small stories to engage the audience without putting the protagonists in any serious danger. They did well to flesh out these supporting characters, because their deaths were more impactful, and their struggles more tense.

In comparison, look at the fight on Crait. As visually appealing as parts of it were, the outcome was a foregone conclusion--Luke had to sacrifice himself in a grand way to (1) bring hope back to the galaxy, (2) help the Rebels escape, and (3) inspire Rey. The only people left in that bunker were the main cast and a handful of extras. It was pretty clear that everyone had to make it out alive, and that Luke/Rey would be the ones to do it. That meta-knowledge robbed the sequence of a lot of the dramatic weight it should have had.

The destruction of Snoke’s ship

This was right up there with the Star Destroyer crashing into the Super Star Destroyer in ROTJ. In fact, it was probably better. There was a lot of very visceral visuals throughout, and the silence of the initial explosion was perfect.

BB-H8

He didn’t overstay his welcome, and even though it was preposterous to think that the First Order troops wouldn’t notice BB-8’s disguise, I liked that they had him noticed by one of his own kind. Given that the weird droids are always a fixation for Star Wars, this felt very much true to the universe.

The fight with Snoke’s guards

I enjoyed this because it was a good lightsaber fight-scene that didn’t go all CG like the prequels, but still had more finesse and interesting fight choreography than all the fights in the originals. Plus, seeing Ben and Rey fight together (as opposed to against each other), and help each other out occasionally, was a nice subversion of expectations.

The Kylo Ren/General Hux rivalry

As I’ll mention below, the humor was often something I didn’t enjoy about the movie, but the Kylo/Hux rivalry always felt very entertaining. It never got too cartoonish, but consistently reminded us that Hux is more than just a putz and that there’s no love lost between the two characters. It was effective at what it set out to do, and entertaining in the process.

The spaceship-that-was-actually-an-iron

This was a great cut late in the movie, reminiscent of the bit in Raiders of the Lost arc where the scary villain has the girl tied up and captive and he starts unpacking what looks like some sort of sadistic torture device...only for it to actually be a coathanger for his heavy leather coat. This is the kind of humor that fits a bit better with the tone, and fleshes out the world in ways that feel realistic.

Things I was unimpressed by

Much of the humour

Including:

Luke flicking the invisible lint off his shoulder after the AT-AT barrage

Luke milking the alien

Luke tickling Rey with the leaf

Poe taunting Hux about his mom

Finn wandering around in the suit leaking water (felt very “JJ Abrams Star Trek Kirk wandering around with the swelling disease)

I’m not averse to comedy (see my list of things I enjoyed for several comedic moments that worked), but a lot of this felt like it was from a different movie. Luke has never been a jokester, he’s always been almost painfully earnest. MARK HAMILL, on the other hand, is a funny weird guy with a huge personality...but that’s not Luke. I’m happy for Hamill and Fisher to get roles that are more in line with their real-world personalities, but at the same time Hamill’s performance especially didn’t read as the Luke we knew.

The rest of the comedy, particularly from Poe/Finn, but also from Chewbacca and the Porgs, just feels like it’s targeted to the child audience consuming this. It’s cheesy and doesn’t feel fresh, nor does it vibe with the rest of the film.

The stupid Jedi Tree and the stupid Jedi Texts

Ugh, so like, I don’t enjoy the way the sequels (TFA & TLJ) have handled the idea of Jedi in a post-ROTJ world. My biggest issue here is that the Force isn’t going away. It’s still there, and people will still be born who can control it. The little slave-boy Force-pulling his broom is evidence of that. So this idea that “Luke is the last jedi and everyone’s forgotten about the Jedi (again) and they might disappear for good” is just preposterous. The Force is like magic in Harry Potter. Lots of people are born with the ability to use it, and they’re gonna cause a lot of problems (and draw a lot of attention to themselves) unless someone helps them to learn to use it safely. So I just find it hard to buy that the Jedi are constantly at risk of dying out and being completely forgotten (again) despite the fact that people all over the fucking galaxy are clearly being born with Force abilities.

Then there’s just this whole idea that Luke would somehow become so slavishly devoted to the IDEA of the Jedi that he’d squirrel himself and the last remaining Jedi texts away on some planet. I mean, the most obvious thing here is that if Luke thought the Jedi were so dangerous and that they shouldn’t continue to exist, then he should have just killed himself and burned the books years ago. Keeping them in that silly tree (when you have a perfectly good mountain temple complex which no doubt offers better protection from the elements) was just a needlessly contrived set-up for Yoda to burn it down later.

Captain Phasma

Man, Captain Phasma seemed like she’d be such a cool character before TFA--Brienne of Tarth as a badass unique chrome stormtrooper! But now after two movie’s she’s done ZERO interesting things, and instead has had her ass handed to her embarrassingly by Finn twice now. And not even in a “wow that was satisfying to see David beat Goliath with ingenuity and skill” but rather in a “wow, is Phasma THAT useless that she can’t fight off this spaz?” Phasma became more of a punchline than anything when she showed up on screen because there’s zero threat to the character. She’s never done anything exciting or dastardly or shocking or intimidating. She just looks menacing because her armor is shiny and everyone else’s is matte.

The Dark Side cave on Ahch-To

I understand the point of this scene--Rey is who matters, not her parentage. It’s her own self she should be worried about, and exploring, and which poses the most potential for greatness or terrible things. But ultimately it felt very out of place in the film because it lacked the overt connections to Rey’s wider arc that Luke’s same experience in the Dark Side cave on Dagobah had. Luke goes into the cave and we, the audience, know that Vader is his antagonist, and that Luke is deeply afraid of him. Having Vader in the cave was fantastic, because it makes us question what’s real--is Vader here or is Luke fighting his own fears? And then to have Luke defeat Vader, and remove the mask to find his own face (shades of The Prisoner) was excellent foreshadowing for the eventual reveal that Vader was Luke’s father, and that perhaps what Luke should fear most is himself. They packed a lot of narrative heft into Luke’s cave sequence. Rey’s, in contrast, didn’t seem to advance anything we didn’t already know, or have reason to suspect, and there was no subtlety revealed during the rest of the movie, no moment where suddenly Rey’s experience in the cave was cast in a new light. As a result, it just felt ancillary and unnecessary.

The Porgs

The Porgs were cute...and then immediately overused. It’s hard to introduce a character or race, and then make them feel oversaturated so quickly, but TLJ succeeded in that mission. I don’t hate the Porgs, but everytime one appeared on screen it felt like the film was directly interacting with a younger audience, and I was no longer part of that experience.

Luke Skywalker’s character/storyline

Right off the bat, I didn’t buy the backstory that Luke went into seclusion after what happened with Ben. It feels very much like JJ Abrams said “I want my movie to be about everyone looking for Luke!” but then no one since has been able to come up with a plausible reason for Luke to abandon everything the way he did. It’s one thing for me to assume that YOUNG Luke is incredibly short-sighted and rash, but JEDI MASTER Luke should have already learned a lot of the lessons that Yoda taught him in TLJ. I mean, the whole “learning from failure thing” is pretty much what he learned at the end of Empire Strikes Back. It just goes back to that idea that if your plot relies on your characters acting like idiots for it to work, then you need to do some re-writes.

Consider that when Luke visited Dagobah and Yoda acted weird at first, it was because Yoda was testing Luke. Luke came there looking for a great warrior to train him to fight, and Yoda needed to disabuse him of those notions before he could actually start training him. Yoda’s shtick was just that--a false persona intended to see how Luke would react, and to expose his faulty assumptions about what it means to be a Jedi.

But when Rey visits Luke on Ahch-To, he’s a dick to her because he doesn’t WANT to teach her. Again, this just doesn’t seem like Luke’s style. He’s an idealist, he’s someone who sees the good in everyone. It’s why he couldn’t bring himself to kill Ben, so it beggars belief that he would so callously refuse to train Rey. Moreover, it was a huge contrivance (more on that later) that Luke had “withdrawn from the Force” because that’s never really been how that works, but also because that was only a thing so Luke wouldn’t sense the fact that Rey and Ben were in contact. Like, it didn’t make sense for Luke to have not been touching the Force all these years, and it doesn’t make sense that he wouldn’t be able to detect the presence of someone like Ben. But again, the plot wouldn’t have worked unless Luke’s entire character is fundamentally altered so that he’s a crotchety recluse who lacks the Force-awareness even characters like Leia seem to have.

No chance to process the events on Snoke’s ship

There is a total lack of Rey processing what happened on Snoke’s ship in the script. One minute she and Ben are literally tearing apart Luke’s lightsaber after they’ve turned on each other, and seconds earlier they killed a dozen elite First Order Guards after Ben executed Supreme Leader Snoke, who moments before had been torturing Rey. And the next minute Rey’s on the Falcon, with Chewie, shooting at TIE Fighters and seeming totally chill. There was zero time to process the impact of everything that happened to her, and given that the whole reason she went to Snoke’s ship was to save Ben, it beggars belief that she’d be so cavalier after having him reject her so spectacularly.

Holdo

I love Laura Dern, and she did a fine job with the limited material she was given (ugh, that “may the For--” “oh i’m sorry, you go” “no you go!” exchange with Leia was cheeseball to the extreme), but there were three elements of Holdo’s character that didn’t make a lot of sense:

Why not tell people, or at least Poe, that she still had a plan, that the transport ships weren’t just going to fly randomly into space but that she had a destination in mind? Instead, Holdo, who seemed very capable, suddenly seems like she’s ok with letting mutiny foment on her watch because….why? She thinks Poe is a flyboy? It wasn’t good leadership, and she could still have inspired hope without seeming like she was without a plan. How is acting like everyone’s probably going to die an inspiring approach for a leader to take?

Why was Holdo, who is ostensibly a brilliant, seasoned, compassionate general, the ONLY PERSON who can fly the cruiser’s suicide mission? Surely there was a low-level tech or even a droid for god’s sake who could have done it? Her death seemed to exist to ensure there was a “heroic sacrifice” moment for the rebellion, which felt very contrived and not authentic.

Why did Holdo wait so long before kamikaze-ing!? I can understand that due to the magic of editing less time may have passed from her perspective than the audience’s (as we are cutting back and forth to simultaneous action elsewhere), but we still watch Holdo sitting there while at LEAST 3-5 rebel transports get destroyed before she decides to ram Snoke’s ship. Like, she KNEW she was going to die on the cruiser, so why not ram Snoke immediately, or at least after he destroyed the first transport? Holdo standing there and looking stricken and helpless while the rebels are getting shot like fish in a barrel felt almost comical. It was so obvious that she had to ram the ship that it was frustrating that the plot forced her to wait so long.

The Knights of Ren

Someone else pointed this out online, but: where are the Knights of Ren? What is that? Why introduce it if it’s never mentioned again? Will these guys ever crop up? How do they fit into Ben Solo’s backstory?

Luke’s other students

Yet again we get a mention that Ben Solo left Luke’s academy with a few students he had turned to his cause (or, presumably, who Snoke had turned to his cause). What happened to them? How come Luke isn’t torn up about them, too?

Things I really disliked

Let’s start with a bunch of little things that really bugged me:

Ackbar dying offscreen

Ackbar is one of the most iconic characters from the original films (at least to fans) and he deserved a bit more than being killed offscreen. He could easily have been one of the many ship captains that Holdo watched go down with their ships via hologram as they were picked off one-by-one. Using him that way would really have upped the stakes as we watched a beloved character from the original film die in a heroic but senseless way.

Luke throwing his father’s lightsaber away

Yeah, this was very out-of-character for Luke. That lightsaber must hold a LOT of significance and memories for him. To see him toss it away so callously just felt like people wanted a funny beat to end the scene on more than they wanted to stay true to the character. It didn’t ruin the movie for me, but it definitely IMMEDIATELY gave me the sense that they didn’t have a good handle on Luke’s character.

The New Republic falling so easily

In The Force Awakens, it is heavily implied that the galaxy is relatively peaceful place and the remnants of the Empire have retreated into obscurity. Admittedly, I’m not as well versed in the SW political structure as I used to be, a quick google search confirms that as recently as 6 years prior to The Force Awakens, there was still a galactic senate looking after things. Given that’s the same New Republic senate that gets destroyed by Starkiller Base in The Force Awakens, it makes you wonder how easy it is to take over a galaxy? Like, right now any kind of large scale continental invasion is prohibitively complicated and costly. Similarly, subjugating literally dozens of worlds is not a cheap, fast, or simple affair. It’s quite time-consuming, and requires extraordinary resources. It seems rather convenient that the Imperial Remnant could build up such a devastating fleet without the New Republic noticing, but also improbable that any Imperial Fleet could immediately establish control over the WHOLE GALAXY (remember, no one answers Leia’s distress call at the end of TLJ) by blowing up ONE planet.

It reminded me of late-period Game of Thrones where characters would just stab each other and “take” that person’s power. GoT spent almost 4 seasons demonstrating that it didn’t work that way--stab the man at the top and you might find yourself with no power and surrounded by enemies--only to do an about face in the last three seasons on that point. TLJ felt like it did the same thing. We’re told the galaxy is huge, and full of different planets and species and people, but then the First Order blows up one planet and everyone falls into line? Way too convenient.

The slave kids on Canto Bight

Is it just me or does the SW franchise seem to present a really happy-go-lucky depiction of child slavery? Anakin and Shmee’s enslavement to Watto was frequently played for laughs, even the bit when Anakin was giggling about the explosive device planted in his and his mother’s brains that would detonate and kill them if they tried to run away. 

Similarly, Rose and Finn stumble upon these slave-kids who are forced to care for alien race horses, and they save the bulk of their sympathy...for the horses? Like, I get it, animals in captivity are sad and we want to free them...but there were literal child slaves there that Rose and Finn did not seem in any way concerned by.

Like, when the one kid presses the button to free the horses all I could think was “Man, he’s probably going to get whipped to death for that! Why don’t Rose and Finn seem to care?” The fact that the movie KEPT RETURNING to them, too, felt a bit odd. These kids are enslaved on a pleasure planet that caters to rich arms dealers, and based on how the casino treats the alien-horses, I can’t imagine they treat their child-slaves much better.

So that just took me out of whatever scene the kids appeared in.

The bad dialogue

There were so many moments were the film was clearly going for some kind of iconic, powerful line (like ESB’s “Do or do not, there is no try.”) but fell miserably short. The ones that spring to mind:

The repetitions of “We are the spark that will light the fire that will burn down the first order.” It got cheesier with each person who said it.

Poor Rose got some of the worst lines:

“I want to smash this lousy beautiful city to pieces”

“Finn, we’ll never win by fighting what we hate, we’ll win by saving what we love…*dies*”

Captain Phasma’s “No! Don’t kill them quickly. Make it painful”made me groan AUDIBLY. It was such movie-speak for “Don’t hurt them! Let them escape!”

Anytime a character discussed hope and whether it was all gone, or how much was left, and who had it, and who didn’t, and oh it’s back, and hey here’s this Force-sensitive slave-kid he’s got hope too now because of his decoder ring

Any of the “yee-haw that’s one hell of a pilot” type lines from Poe or Finn.

Now for some more substantive problems:

Leia’s resurrection and Force-propelled spaceflight

This bothered me on a bunch of levels:

This would have been a good send-off for Leia. She got a lot of good moments in with Poe prior to Ben’s attack, and she really drove home the idea of how important it is for Poe to learn to be a leader. That would have been an excellent time for her death, as it would catalyze those last words to Poe, and make them really mean something. Instead, she comes back and snickers with Holdo at how thick Poe is. It’s not bad, it’s just a missed opportunity that became disappointing.

The movie seemed to care about, but then immediately stop caring about, Ben’s relationship with Leia. As far as Ben knows, Leia dies when that other TIE pilot blows up the bridge, but we never see Ben reacting to either her “death” or her resurrection (which he doubtless should have been able to sense through the Force). Leia sensed Han’s death, so shouldn’t Ben have sensed the massive amount of Force energy Leia must have used?

This was one of several scenes where I found myself asking “What the fuck are the rules anymore?” I’m not trying to be a Force-purist or anything, but as a regular member of a movie audience, a lot of the reveals in the movie felt very out-of-left-field. I get that Jedi are essentially superheroes in space, but it makes “the Force” into a bit of a plot device that can get them out of any situation. It’s further compounded by characters like Leia, and Rey, who have little to no training in the Force but who, when the situation dramatically calls for it, are able to perform tremendous feats of skill and power. If we don’t see them training and struggling with these abilities building up to those moments, then the impact is not only lessened when they occur, but the suspension of disbelief is violated. It just introduces new powers and new abilities with no groundwork or grace, and that makes it hard for audiences to stay in those moments. It then becomes a challenge for them to come up with reasons those characters DON’T continue to use those abilities. On the one hand, I can understand the whole shock/trauma-activated-ability idea, but on the other if you discover you have the ability to withstand the vacuum of space and fly through it, wouldn’t that be an ability you’d want to pursue and become better at?

Overall, though, it felt narratively cheap because we took a character who’s very much been established as NOT skilled in the Force, and had her suddenly pull off something that we hadn’t even imagined Obi-Wan or Yoda at their height could do. I’m not attacking it on scientific grounds, or even trying to say “The Force couldn’t do that!” I’m just saying that from a storytelling perspective it felt deeply unsatisfying and out of place.

Snoke

Snoke in this film was a big letdown. At first, it seemed like they had something interesting planned for him. We got to see him in the flesh early on and he had his own kind of unique menace. They got Andy Serkis to play him so clearly he’s an important part of this story. His origins and motivations are shrouded in mystery and his power level is clearly off-the-charts. It was all setting up our expectations for later reveals, or deepening his motives, or making him even more threatening.

Then he dies halfway through the film and we never learn a single new thing about him. I’m all for zagging when the audience thinks you’re going to zig, but TFA and TLJ invested a sizeable amount of their running times establishing Snoke as this big threat, who was connected to story in ways we didn’t understand yet. I can understand killing him off unexpectedly, but to do it without exploring more of his character, or setting up anyone to take his place is a big letdown.

To be clear, I understand that Ben is going to be the new Big Bad, or at least until the end of the next movie when he comes back to the light and the new Big Bad for the NEXT trilogy shows up, but Ben is not a good replacement as a primary antagonist. I mean, we know he will either be saved, like Vader was, or die heroically helping the rebels. There aren’t a lot of other directions to take him in--having him be uncomplicatedly evil would feel like a betrayal of his character up until now. I also get that Ben is slightly different than previous antagonists because he doesn’t care for the structure and regimentation of the first order, he just wants to rule as he sees fit. It’s just that that’s...kind of boring. Snoke was interesting because he was mysterious, and we couldn’t be sure what his connection to the Force, or the First Order, or to Ben really was. He was unpredictable, which made him an entertaining villain. Ben, meanwhile, is broody and prone to fits of rage. He’s very much still a child in a mask, and while that can make him intimidating to other characters, it’s not enough for a primary antagonist like Star Wars needs.

Finn’s “arc”

I get the sense that the writers really struggled to come up with something for Finn to do in this movie.

Rey’s arc was clearly connected to Luke and Ben, and did not have room for a third major figure in her emotional landscape. They may return to moren Finn/Rey stuff down the line, but this movie was first and foremost concerned with Rey/Luke and Rey/Ben.

The next strongest relationship was probably Leia/Poe. As much as I think Leia should have died off earlier in the movie, I think her arc with Poe was a decent-enough one, and will hopefully pay off in the next film, when he learns to take more of a leadership role in the rebellion. Holdo was there to give Poe an antagonist, and although I didn’t love the obvious and constant reversals of Holdo’s character (she’s good, she’s bad, she’s a coward, she’s a hero!), I thought the story pulled off the task it had set itself. Poe learned the lesson he needed to learn, as seen when he counseled Finn against sacrificing himself for the “battering ram cannon” (dumb name).

It feels like the Rey/Ben storyline was locked in, as was the Leia/Poe/Holdo storyline, but then after those two big plots, Finn had no one in the main cast to bounce off, and no one’s story needed his presence. Rey’s apprenticeship with Luke, subsequent surrender to Snoke, and eventual escape to rejoin the Rebels was completely unaffected by anything Finn did. The Rebel fleet’s attempts to escape the First Order did not need Finn’s help, and indeed reached their true objective in spite of him mucking up the plan. All he was good for on a metanarrative level (by the time his actual plan had gone up in smoke) was goosing the drama by alerting the First Order to the defenseless transport ships, thereby ensuring heavier losses for the rebels.

So obviously the writers knew that Finn needed to be there at the START of the story (to pick up with him after the last movie), and they knew where they needed him at the END of the story (on Crait, with a bone to pick with the First Order) but they didn’t really know how to get him from point A to B, nor how to ensure that nothing he does in the interim fucks up the rest of the already-established plots.

To fill the gap, they created the new character of Rose for Finn to bounce off of. It makes sense on paper--she’s grounded while he’s hyperactive, she’s sensible while he’s deeply emotional, she’s a low-ranking rebel while he’s one of the heroes--and all of their qualities make them good foils for each other. Indeed, in that first scene where she finds him trying to board the escape pod they find an enjoyable rhythm together pretty quickly, and I liked the dynamic they established.

But then it all goes deeply off the rails because the writers realized they couldn’t let them do anything that mattered. Finn’s plan had to be unsuccessful because the fleet needed to make it to Crait, not jump away. Finn couldn’t run into Rey while on Snoke’s ship because that would jumble the plot too much. So they had to keep Finn at arm’s length from doing anything useful and it showed.

What we got instead was a really problematic (See below) detour to a planet that didn’t ultimately matter, in search of a macguffin that ultimately didn’t matter, all in the service of developing a relationship with Rose, a character who may be dead and who never had any real chemistry with Finn.

I honestly wish they’d thrown out that whole thing and found a different way to incorporate Finn into either Poe or Rey’s story, because clearly they don’t have great ideas when he’s on his own.

Hyperspace tracker subplot

One of the biggest problems I had with the movie was the “First Order tracking the rebels through hyperspace” subplot. Almost EVERY ASPECT of this was a disappointment, and here is why:

Hux’s Plan First off, there’s a moment early on where Kylo walks in on a conversation between Snoke and Hux where Snoke is congratulating Hux on his clever plan, saying something about how a cur’s weakness can be his strength. It seemed to imply that some element of Hux’s personality allowed him insight into hunting the rebels, and he devised a singularly brilliant way to do it. But then ultimately it was just “the First Order are tracking the rebels through hyperspace” and that seems like, I dunno, ANYONE could have devised that plan. There was nothing to the plan that indicated ONLY Hux could have come up with it. He doesn’t seem to possess any kind of advanced scientific or technical knowledge and his strategy (Track them until they run out of fuel) isn’t exactly complex, or subtle. It’s fairly obvious. I kept waiting for a further reveal that Hux had convinced a high-ranking rebel to defect and feed him information, or SOMETHING to explain why Snoke seemed so impressed and satisfied with his plan. But it never came.

Also, how are we to believe that Rose, who is essentially an electrician, would be able to disable a high-level First Order specialized system in such a way that no one notices? It just felt super convenient that this tradesperson that Finn runs into randomly possesses the ability to effectively and secretly disable the ONE thing  the First Order has been using to track the rebels. Remember, Dj the hacker only opened the door to the stupid thing, it was Rose who said she could secretly disable it all on her own.

Compounding all that letdown is the fact that, in the end, “disabling the tracking device” was barely different than “disable the tractor beam on the death star” in ANH. Just like the tractor beam on the Death Star in ANH, in TLJ it’s up to our heroes to infiltrate a massive evil ship and disable this one tiny room that should, when you think about it, be MUCH MORE HEAVILY GUARDED THAN IT WAS. At least in ANH the Death Star tractor beam room was super impressive. In TLJ, the tracker-room was a broom closet with a giant flux capacitor in it, tucked away behind some random panel in a random hallway.

Also, the whole conceit that “there’s only one ship actually tracking us” felt like an easy out, but one that didn’t hold up to scrutiny. If this truly was the last of the rebels, and wiping them out would ensure the total victory of the First Order, then maybe have a tracker on ALL your ships? Even if you’re not worried the Rebels will sneak on board and secretly disable it, you should always have redundancies for critical systems and processes like that. In the case of Ben Solo choosing to fight Luke while the rebels escape, this is an oversight that makes sense. We’ve seen how Ben can be ruthless and clever, but how there are still parts of his personality he can’t control (his need for his master’s approval, his hatred of Luke, etc.). So when he makes the mistake of facing Luke, his shortsightedness makes perfect sense. In comparison, Hux’s failure to properly safeguard this incredibly important tracking device just felt like lazy plotting.

Lastly, I’ll cover this more in a later section, but the fact that this whole entire subplot wound up having zero significance and not actually achieving anything was deeply, deeply frustrating. It’s one thing to do a Bespin-like sequence, where the heroes’ plan goes awry but they still move their arcs forward, or move the plot forward. Like, Luke faces Vader and learns a lot about himself. Leia is ripped apart from Han but finally declares her love for him in the process. Lando betrays them, but then proves to be an ally and helps them escape and joins the cause moving forward. Bespin was an unmitigated disaster in terms of “the protagonists achieving their goals” but narratively it was deeply productive. The entire “disable the tracker” subplot in TLJ only served to deepen Rose’s character who was ultimately wasted in the climax. The rest of the plotline did absolutely NOTHING to change the status quo. It almost seemed like the interaction between Finn and Benicio del Toro (aka DJ) would make Finn into a more Han-like, morally grey character, but then when DJ betrays them it’s clear Finn is a rebel through and through. Ignoring Rose’s character, what impact did the tracker-device plotline have on the larger film? I can’t think of any.

Canto Bight The problems with this part start right away with the very-hard-to-take-seriously scene where Rose and Finn just basically figure out the entire First Order plan and how to stop them in a matter of seconds. Instead of taking this information to ANYONE, like maybe Leia, they instead decide to contact Maz Kanata because Lupita Nyongo signed on for three movies, damnit, so she’s gonna be in them. Maz tells them the ONLY person who can complete their mission is a codebreaker wearing a special lapel pin. NO ONE ELSE can help them, and Maz would know, because characters repeatedly tell us that she’s very wise.

So they sneak off the ship and land on Canto Bight, which looks a lot like Naboo at night, but whatever. The movie wants us to know that Finn is enchanted by this place, while Rose is not, and it takes very little time for her to detail all the problems with it. None of this is conveyed in a particularly elegant or artful way--Finn stares dopily around at everything while Rose just clenches her jaw and spouts truly godawful lines like “I just want to smash this beautiful lousy city to pieces.” We also get a bunch of alien race horses, and it’s all starting to stray into the realm of the prequels.

Ultimately, Finn and Rose find the dude with the lapel pin, but are apprehended by security before they can talk to him. That is the last we see of the actual codebreaker.

After they meet and then part ways with DJ (more on him below, I hated him so much!), they find the alien race horses again and take off on horseback in one of the dumbest sequences in the film, and definitely the most broad. This part especially, the horseback escape through the city and eventual rescue by DJ felt very prequel-esque. The happy-go-lucky slave kids, the overly-CG horses, the slapstick ride through the city, it was all just too lowbrow compared to the rest of the film.

Benicio del Toro aka DJ I have a lot of issues with this character but they all really boil down to one thing: It’s cheap fucking storytelling:

It’s cheap storytelling to have Maz tell the audience “ONLY the codebreaker can get you onto the ship!” but then DJ can also do it.

It’s cheap storytelling to have Finn and Rose get imprisoned in the cell with a DIFFERENT codebreaker who can do exactly what they need.

It’s cheap storytelling to have a character as resourceful as DJ simply hanging out in jail waiting for someone to what? Also get imprisoned and ask for his help? It doesn’t make sense that if he could stroll out of prison at any point in time that he would be there at all.

It’s cheap storytelling for DJ to be able to steal a weapon merchant’s ship so easily, yet he hasn’t already done that and was instead hanging out in jail for no reason.

Not only does all this make many of the scenes in this plot (with Maz, or on Canto Bight looking for the lapel pin) feel pointless, but it also makes the rest of Finn and Rose’s plot (once they’re off Canto Bight and onto Snoke’s ship especially) frustrating because it all seems so convenient.

The best part about DJ is that, for a second, you think he’s going to contribute to Finn’s arc by pushing him towards being a more Han-Solo-at-the-start-of-ANH-style independent operator, by pointing out that both the Rebellion and the First Order are part of a larger military-industrial complex. For a second it seems like Finn might get some real depth and shading, and an interesting perspective that’s vastly different than Rey or Poe’s.

And then the worst part of DJ’s character is that he betrays them to the First Order as he was obviously going to do and this just makes Finn angry at the First Order. DJ leaves as pointlessly and stupidly as he arrived.   

Finn & Rose getting captured This entire sequence was endlessly frustrating. I’ve already detailed my problems with Hux’s plan above, but Finn and Rose’s capture and subsequent escape deserves its own section because it was so bad.

The first problem is that their hangar scene was clearly written to fill dramatic space, not to function as a realistic sequence of events. Finn and Rose are brought to the hangar, surrounded by a legion of stormtroopers. Phasma insists her troops kill them slowly, which is such a painful cliché at this point that there were multiple audible groans from the audience at that point. The stormtroopers slooooowwwwwwllllly lower laser-axes to Finn and Rose’s heads. Then the ship is caught in an explosion, and when we cut back to Rose and Finn, the literal dozens of stormtroopers who had been surrounding them with laser-axes millimetres away from their necks are nowhere to be seen. Phasma is also gone, but then just as quickly the stormtroopers and Phasma come walking back into the hangar like they were never there. It makes no sense!

Then, you’ve got a very implausible fight between numerous armoured stormtroopers (it seems that in the 20+ years since ROTJ their accuracy has not improved) and two blue-collar workers wearing no protective gear. Somehow Finn goes toe-to-toe with Phasma despite the fact that if she lands a single hit on his unarmored form, he’d go down. Not to mention the fact that Phasma HAS A BLASTER which she chooses not to use on Finn. Her ultimate death was silly, earned a bunch of laughs in the theatre, and had zero drama or tension to it. I love Gwendolyn Christie but she played a horribly written, terribly underused character who never got to do a single cool thing, then got herself killed in the silliest way and went down barely landing a single blow on the unarmored janitor she was fighting.

Meanwhile, there were apparently more stormtroopers but they just kinda get forgotten about. Rose hides and fires a few stray shots, but where did the half-dozen troopers flanking Phasma when they re-entered the hangar after the explosion go?

And then, the capper on this shit sequence, is BB-8 taking control of an AT-ST, and rescuing Finn and Rose. It reeked of the worst kind of prequels-level “wouldn’t it be cool if…?” writing. It was silly, and not in a fun way, but in a really dumb and cheesy way. It was reminiscent of Anakin in The Phantom Menance shooting a bunch of droids by accident when he was hiding in the fighter cockpit, or the nonsense factory escape sequence with R2-D2’s hoverjets in Attack of the Clones.

Structural Problems

There were some massive structural problems with the film, on the following levels:

Derivative Storytelling

The movie felt and looked more original than Force Awakens, but when you look closer it’s still cut from much of the same cloth as the original trilogy. Off the top of my head, from ESB alone, there’s: 

Rey trains on a remote planet with a reluctant Luke Luke trains on Dagobah with an initially reluctant Yoda

Rey’s enters a “Dark Side cave” and has a vision Luke enters a “Dark Side cave” and has a vision

Ben asks Rey, “Join me and we can rule the galaxy together” Vader asks Luke to join him so they can rule the galaxy together as father and son

The Resistance flees D’qar in cruisers and transports while being shot at by the First order The Rebels flee Hoth in cruisers and transports while being shot at by the Empire

The First Order assault a Resistance base on the remote, white salt planet of Crait with AT-ATs The Empire assaults a Rebel base on the remote, snowy planet of Hoth with AT-ATs

Because the base is older, Poe and other pilots are forced to fly slower, less maneuverable and powerful ships Because the base is on an ice planet, Luke and the other pilots are forced to fly slower, less maneuverable and powerful ships

Rey loses Anakin’s lightsaber during a confrontation with Kylo Ren Luke loses Anakin’s lightsaber during a confrontation with Vader

Rey must build her own lightsaber, a Jedi rite of passage Luke had to build his own lightsaber, a Jedi rite of passage, on Tatooine before going to Jabba’s palace

Some of those bits weren’t wholly unwelcome, but I’m really ready for Star Wars to move beyond the shadow of what’s come before. I’m ready for a Star Wars where:

The protagonist isn’t a callow youth about to become a Jedi

The main antagonist isn’t a Palpatine-like dictator

The secondary antagonist isn’t a Vader-like enforcer

The villains don’t rule over an Empire-like army

There were elements of this film that hinted at more creative stories that might get told, but too much of it hewed too close to familiar beats and tropes.

Plot Contrivances

This was a huge problem for me. The contrivances pile up really quickly, and take you out of the story fast. Rose and Finn suddenly sussing out the First Order’s secret plan. Rey is just innately powerful and doesn’t need more than a day of light training with Luke to be super powerful. Rey repeatedly tries to gain Luke’s trust, going so far as to tell him she’s being completely honest with him, despite lying from the get-go about her connection to Ben. Luke declaring that he’s been cut off from the Force for the past X years so he can plausibly not be aware of all the things he should be aware of, like Ben being inside Rey’s head. Maz tells Finn there’s only one man who can do the job, but then they randomly meet another. Phasma tells her troops to execute Finn slowly, giving him time to escape.

The sheer point of fact is, at least for me, much of the story the film told was exhausting because it required constant and new suspension of disbelief. We are already suspending our disbelief quite a bit for a story of space wizards, so I do not think it’s too much to ask for the story to flow logically, and sensibly.

Implausible Timeline

Ostensibly, from the point at which Finn and Rose contact Maz, all the action is compressed into roughly 12-16 hours (since there’s still about 2 hrs left on the fuel for the fleet when they start to abandon ship in the transports). However, in that time it feels like Rey spends several nights on Ahch-To with Luke, while Finn and Rose spend less than a single night on Canto Bight (they arrive early evening and depart the planet before dawn). Perhaps the two planets have different day/night cycles and this all works out, but to viewing audiences it seriously distorts our understanding of how much time is elapsing in between scenes. There were moments where it felt like Rey was on Ahch-To for days but then we cut back to Finn/Rose and only an hour or two have passed, and then back to the fleet and it feels like no time has passed. It’s not a death knell, but it’s just one more thing that caused a bunch of whiplash when trying to process all the different threads.

Status Quo Reset

This is perhaps my biggest disappointment with the movie, far beyond anything mentioned above. I was truly dismayed that this new trilogy is still retreading the same ground as the previous ones, and more than that it seems to be setting us as close to square one as possible and slowing down the progress enormously. At this point in the film, the Rebellion is smaller than it’s ever been, and the First Order is (somehow) nominally in charge of the galaxy. We’ve been here before--it was the first three movies. Only now we’re back to an almost pre-ANH configuration, with every indication that the story this time will move even slower and with even more unecessary detail and sideplots. I can already see the slave-kid with the Force abilities being the protagonist of the fourth, or fifth, or ninth Star Wars trilogy, and indeed the realization that these movies will be coming out like clockwork every year robs them of their lustre and appeal. If they were telling unique stories, and showing me things I’d never seen before, I’d be more excited. But instead they telling the same old stories, and taking me to the same places, with the same people (or same types of people) and it fundamentally just doesn’t look like they want to go anywhere new.

A huge part of the former Star Wars Expanded Universe was the idea that there’s a huge chunk of the galaxy (at least half of it!) that was unexplored and dangerous. There were whole societies there unlike anything we’d seen, and threats, too. I’m ready for Star Wars to grow up and stop telling the same story about the plucky Jedi taking on Darth Evil and his army of faceless fascists. I’m ready to see Jedi and Sith threatened by some new menace, or the fascists subjugated by anarchists who create their own problems. I’m just ready for there to be new stories, but when I look ahead at the road the franchise is charting for itself, it’s deeply, and stiflingly, familiar.