#well its probably a good thing I'm not depressed atm

[estbela]

ur my hero fr…. can u maybe tell me more about serbro + bul’s dynamic 🥺

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

Noooo, you are my hero!!!!!

OFC!!!!

(Tho this post is kind of a mess sorry)

You see, Ro & Bul are very good friends, and so are Serb & Ro, but Bul & Serb have had...rather tumultous relations over the years, sometimes being friends & allies, sometimes rivals, sometimes even enemies(also had some wars in the middle ages and probably modern era too I think), and they probably met when they were kinda young children, which in nationverse would be the (early) Middle Ages.

Anyway RoBul date for some time(like. Hundreds of years), then break up, for a bunch of reasons, one of the reasons for this being Serbia in a way?(well they argued bcs of him sometimes). Its way more complicated than that tho

Tbh sometimes Bul was basically the third wheel in his own relationship as Serb & Ro got closer over the years and his relationship with Ro got more strained.

Anyway tho I'm gonna talk less about history and more about their general dynamic! (Mostly cause I dont feel like constantly checking every historical fact i say atm)

Imagine. That couple that is so annnoyingly affectionate and also really chaotic (they might have commited several felonies together) and the most depressed pathetic guy with the soul of an old man who complains all the time yet keeps hanging out with them.

And the guy is kind of their ex too!

That is them!!

Even if he complains at every turn they keep Bul with them cause he has that pathetic whimsy and can be just as chaotic as them.

And Bul keeps hanging out with them cause next to Serb & Ro he appears Normal. And cuz he still loves Ro and might like Serb too

cue him being kinda sad and just,,,,,,thinking about the fact the Ro has moved on while he has trouble doing so right as idk. Serbro is doing fun couple stuff (although what they consider fun couple stuff might involve setting someone's house on fire)

Tbh Ro doesn't like the fact that Serb & Bul don't always get along but he knows he can't like. Force them.

An in a perfect world he'd never have to choose between them. In the past, thought, he would have chosen Bul, bcs of how close they were and how much they shared.

But as time went on, he grew unsure of his relationship with Bul and in the end, he sort of choose Serb, or at least, that's how it felt for Bul.

So there's that too.

There are probably more things I could say about them but my brain isn't cooperating at the moment 😔😔😔

Anyway 10/10 dynamic I think they could be so fun but I honestly don't think about them a lot like this kfjddjdkd (in most of my stories all 3 of them are in some weird dysfunctional polycule or robul is officially dating but both of them have some thing going on with Serb more or less lmao) but just serbro dating and Bul also being there is so interesting to think about thank you lili for asking me this!!!!

[mitziholder]

apologies for being weird and hogging your inbox like this but i LOVE your thoughts on fandom and i think very few people talk about it in a critical way without completely condemning the entire occupation. in my experience people (not just on this website but in general) tend to take a very black and white view of fandom/fic, probably because it can feel like a very personal thing for many; either they're 'normies' who think all fanworks are 'cringe' or they're the anything goes kind of person. radfems seem to me to be the only ppl who aren't overly defensive of the enterprise but can still enjoy fanworks critically. its nice to see women who aren't like. Fandom Moms talking about these things at length. i think you're one of the few people i've agreed with regarding this subject so far :/ your analyses are very much appreciated and i'd love to read more of what you think (especially regarding the point about navigating trauma). have a good day!

oh and also regarding the whole 'i want women to read better thing' ive always felt this idea that fandom culture is above criticism (or criticising it is inherently misogynistic) is in some ways an extension or at least related to the societal notion that women should be confined to the fluffy feeling aspects of writing and art and aren't as capable of intellectually engaging with things (and of course some 'criticisms' of fan culture ARE misogynistic but i'm not referring to those atm). and obviously there isn't anything inherently WRONG with silly fluff novels or romance (especially romance of course as one can certainly explore that subject in depth and i actually think there's a lack of well written romance out there) but it still feels like a limitation on female growth to normalise women ONLY reading fanfiction or even only certain brands of genre fiction i guess? and i find it sad that so many women seem to almost buy into that idea nowadays or shoot down any sort of criticism with the 'stop shaming female desire' catchphrase. and considering that there is still a dearth of well made original female work for women in pop culture (that act as cultural touchstones in the same way a lot of male works do) it's even more depressing that a lot of fanwork centers men. sorry if this comes off as insufferably pretentious lmao! i'm not even against fanwork i mean this is tumblr i still enjoy things but hopefully you know what i mean lol

like i mean. there's a reason why fanfiction is seen as primarily a female affair (even though a lot of the highly regarded published fanfics are by men. u know the neil gaiman stuff or whatever). its sort of a reassurance that women are 'limited' to writing fanworks. idk. i guess i want women to do better idk if im making any sense

ok, mandatory disclaimer that what I’m describing here is a series of trends, trends I’ve observed within fandom at large including both fanfiction readers/writers and fujos more broadly. obviously, not everyone who reads fanfic or yaoi is a woman (though the vast majority are). obviously, not every woman who reads fanfic or yaoi is a stunted teenager who refuses to engage with any other media. I will also admit that not every fanfic is jimin ABO. I don’t think that fanfic is inherently cringe or low-quality, and there are certainly a lot of respectable published works that have been created with other people’s characters or settings. but, as I’ve said, the vast majority of fanworks in the modern day are essentially pornographic mad libs. I find that disappointing. and there’s no reason it has to be this way… except for all the reasons I’ve outlined in my other posts.

things that are lazy and thoughtless and easy, that provide instant gratification, are generally more popular than things that are difficult or uncomfortable. clearly. but people who denounce all fanfic/fanfic writers and pigeonhole it as low-effort slop are not actually interested in helping the women who write it achieve their fullest potential, because they do not believe those women have any potential. it’s true that some criticisms of fan culture and fanworks are purely misogynistic… but I care about women’s voices, and I do want women to be able to express themselves. I’m not on a quest to stop women from writing or reading fanfic. I’ve been slightly flip about the subject, but truthfully, not everything that is “derivative” is bad, and there’s no reason that fanworks couldn’t be good. it’s just that the culture around them is so intensely sensitive - anti-“shaming” - that women are terrified of saying anything about the level of quality or the potentially harmful nature of most fanfiction because they don’t want to devalue media created by and for other women.

I think that’s a disservice to women as a whole. not everything we write is valuable. I’ve written plenty of crap in the pursuit of getting better - plenty of crap I currently disagree with. and if our work can’t withstand criticism - if we shut down immediately at any hint of a deeper, more unflattering analysis of what’s really going on… then what’s the point? what are we communicating? that female fantasies exist in a compartmentalized bubble far and away from our politics and intellectual pursuits? that we should be able to j/o to rape fantasies without question because it’s not that serious? that the personal is political, except for when it isn’t… and we should all be quiet and let women write whatever they want free of criticism lest we shame them so hard they go into hiding? my standards might be a tad high, but that is setting the bar… dangerously low. it’s also patronizing. since when has “just let women enjoy things!!” ever gotten us anywhere? since when has that been a cornerstone of feminist thought? is that really the best we can do? are we really so fragile?

I’ve seen a glut of posts about how useless and harmful constructive criticism supposedly is. the reasoning is always basically the same:

criticism is mean/toxic/discouraging

maybe I’m too hardened by countless death wishes I got on my old blog, but, in my experience, whenever I have something I want to say or a point I want to make, very little can keep me from doing so. I can’t imagine being so bothered by what random Internet people think. it’s important to remember that being able to determine what criticism is valuable is a skill in itself. disavowing criticism as a whole because some of it is “toxic”/discouraging is throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

criticism is pointless; perfection is unattainable

of course nothing is ever going to be perfect. but if that’s your attitude, why bother editing? (rhetorical question. some fanfic authors do post unedited works… just because they can.) hell, why write? why get up in the morning? why make your bed? why try anything new at all? it’s a completely absurd, defeatist attitude. like the first point, it also reeks of intellectual laziness and self-satisfaction.

you could just be nice and say what you liked instead because that’s helpful too

please don’t blow smoke up my ass. in editing, I want to fix things that don’t work and to trim the fat. is it “kind” or “helpful” to let me do something completely stupid because you’re too afraid of embarrassing or offending me to say as much? also, knowing what people like is useful in producing more of what people like - it doesn’t help me do anything new or different. there is nothing less helpful to me than saying “good job!” when I ask you to read my work. it’s certainly nice (as long as you actually read it), but it’s not helpful.

it’s published, the author is through with it, and they don’t want to touch it anymore

I plan to do everything I can to edit and improve my writing before the thing is drawn and published, but I’m sure some flaws will inevitably slip through the cracks. currently, I’m rewriting entire chapters from the beginning because they became incompatible with what I wanted out of the series as it progressed. considering that a lot of people write fanfic on a chapter-by-chapter basis with only a very vague trope-strung outline, I have to wonder why they’re so averse to major overhauls. sure, it’s not pleasant, but don’t you want your writing to be the best that it can be? what is the purpose of uploading it if you don’t want the thing to be responded to as it is, warts and all?

also, not all criticism is limited to the specific work it’s derived from; many things can be extrapolated to future works as well. how are we supposed to correct trends that could lead to a decrease in the quality of future works if we can’t even point them out?

fanfiction is a hobby, and hobbies should be fun

I’m not under the impression that I’ll ever be able to make a living from my writing. I do it as a “hobby” in my spare time simply for the fact that I need an outlet for my thoughts - I need to organize them in some way. writing is an art form that we use to communicate meaning and to make sense of the world around us. your goal as a writer may be to have fun, but it isn’t mine. overgeneralizing and building an entire subculture around the pursuit of mindless fun limits what fanfiction and amateur writing have the potential to be.

you could just go read something else that you like more

actually, no. I don’t like any of it. I’m sorry if saying that is offensive to the 38-year-old she/they whose blog post I grabbed this from. most fanfic is bad. I yearn for the exploration of topics that are categorically not explored in fanfic - because the scope of what fanfic is interested in is constantly narrowing, feeding on itself, like an ouroboros. this problem is only going to get worse over time. why wouldn’t I be bothered? why can’t I say it’s a shame?

mass media and tiktok are worse!

maybe, but so what? at least the majority of people who spend their time watching tiktok videos and bad TV don’t act like it’s a suitable replacement for real literature. and at least there aren’t tiktok compilations being listed on goodreads(?)

anyway, more to the point, fandom is full of technically competent writers. but if they continue to insulate themselves within fandom or fandom-adjacent offshoots, they will never be great writers, because great writing requires tight editing (the elimination of things that are pointless and redundant), syntactic fluency, organizational skills, and, most importantly, an individual voice - an artistic vision - interpreting individual ideas… things that are born of criticism and a diversity of influences that are not present or valued within fandom in its current state. great writing cannot be made in a vacuum. great writers don’t allow themselves to be broken or stifled by criticism they disagree with.

sure, no one has a responsibility to be a great writer, and mediocre writing isn’t a moral failure… but I’m certainly not going to be happy about it, especially when the prevailing attitude is “fanfic is art… but I make what I want for myself and sharing it with you is a privilege and therefore you can’t criticize it!” how boring! how utterly conceited! my god. throwing a temper tantrum because you’re not 100% in control of how others perceive or respond to your creation. put it in a diary and not on a public forum if that bothers you so much… (but then, of course, you couldn’t count kudos.)

I do have a plan to touch on some of my other gripes since you asked so nicely. but this response is, once again, getting too long, and those things have little to do with what I was complaining about here. I’ve got an outline for a post I’ll develop and publish later as a final note on this convo, since at that point I really will have said all that I have to say… thanks again for writing in :-)

[system-of-a-feather]

A thing I do have to say, as a system / trauma survivor on the very active form of coping and survival (flight and fight), I really struggle to understand, empathize with (even just cognitively), and sympathize with those with the more passive forms of coping and survival (freeze and fawn) towards trauma, anxiety, depression, etc and I have to regularly keep myself in check when seeing it to NOT judge just because I don't really understand it.

Cause every time I just internally go "Okay well STOP being sad for yourself and get yourself going to fix your situation, look do this" - not in a "I'm better than you" or "Its your fault" way but in a "why aren't you doing anything" based on the fact that whenever I'm having A Time, I (as a whole) tend to GO. We don't experience long periods of fawn or freeze and usually those are in transition or just briefly to recover from our constant fight-flight nature.

I don't understand passive coping past a logical theoretical level. I understand that people cope that way, I understand that it is often a distraction / soothing behavior or the most they feel they can do because their brain tends to shut down rather than activate - I understand that it is hyporegulation and I get that on a face level.

But on a personal level? I can't put myself in the shoes. I can't imagine what it would be like or what line of thinking / feeling would drive that. I can't see into it at all. I don't really know the best thing to do to help someone in those modes and defer to the assumed best safe answer of giving space and leaving an open door / ear, but it's extremely foreign of a concept.

From my perspective, I see it and it just looks sad and miserable and - because of my extreme specialized end of coping - I just go "how are you SITTING there? it looks miserable!" cause again, the LAST thing I do as a heavy hyper regulated cope-r, is sit.

I dunno, I'm just sitting and analyzing the differences in coping patterns cause my boy is having a Time atm and I'm like "Google, try to generate a plan with our non-existent empathy and failing cognitive empathy"

Anyways, if anyone wants to share / explain their experiences with either end of coping or wants to give me tips and ideas of how to help someone who leans to depressive-style coping than mine. Not in any urgent situation cause I've talked with him some and have a good general preferred sort of thing but like

This shit always confuses me. I'm too.... a lot of things to understand this beyond a theoretical hyper rationalized manner.

(Also if anyone can explain this to me, you have the right to explain this to me like I'm a 8 year old kid if you like cause thats probably about as much as I understand it and its fair. I am always so bewildered as to how that kind of coping Works and thus always confused as to how to best help someone that copes in such a way)

[lucysweatslove]

Health recap, I guess? 2019 to present, because I'm so frustrated with my health atm.

Early 2019, I started with wrist pain whenever I used my hand to push on something. Nobody could figure it out. Did OT without much help. Was told it is "probably functional" but lost ability to do things I love, including lift weights and do yoga.

End of 2019, I got sick with an upper respiratory infection. I get colds periodically like everybody else. Nothing new.

URI did the whole "got better, then it got worse" thing and turned into a sinus infection and then my First Ever Ear Infection.

Went into urgent care; was given... some... antibiotic. I don't even remember the class. When this helped but didn't resolve, and the URI progressed to a cough and lower respiratory stuff, I was put on another antibiotic of a different class.

Eventually that antibiotic cleared it up, but I had a terrible cough for a few months. Also. Finally see a new psychiatrist who puts me on Wellbutrin and I feel so much better emotionally. Not physically.

Enter in COVID! I was working in a derm clinic and had to take my temp multiple times a day. We found I was persistently having fevers! Yay! I also was tremulous, nauseous, and lost weight unintentionally. This was on top of a couple year history of significant whole-body pruritis. Concern is something cancer.

Provider I worked for ordered labs while I waited to get into my PCP. My TSH was marginally high, which was unexpected. My PCP called and was like "let's put you on levo!" to which I said no, let's not, because I'm not presenting with any hypothyroid symptoms. I requested repeat TSH plus additional thyroid tests eg T3/T4.

Those came back normal, PCP was all "its a good thing I didn't start you on meds" like ma'am no, it's a good thing I had some medical knowledge and thusly refused and pushed for repeat studies. My PCP did not additional workup and took my temp via forehead scanner and was all "you're perfectly healthy."

Moved, and thus I needed a new PCP. New PCP did more extensive workup.

Start grad school fall of 2020. Can't focus well, suspect ADHD because my sister has ADHD and my historical depression, which I've blamed all my previous focus issues, is well-treated with Wellbutrin. PCP agrees but because of fevers doesn't think it's a good idea to start a new med yet.

Everything negative/clear/normal, including peripheral blood smear, blood culture, and chest and abdominal CT.

"Well, the next step would be a bone marrow biopsy..."

That sounds painful, no thanks. If it's something insidious, it'll eventually show up on routine labs and then we can do the biopsy. I continue to have fever and ear pain (even when my ears look "clear") and recurrent ear infections. I notice my hair is thinning too, and I keep getting recurrent scalp infections, but oh well. School goes fine even if I can't focus well, so I ignore that, too.

I figure out that my wrist pain is a ganglion cyst that nobody noticed because it didn't grow "up" but snaked its way through bones so it took 2 years for a "bump" to present. Had surgery to remove it in early-Mid 2021.

Constant stuffy nose starts in 2021, but my husband's hips died in mid 2021 and I focused more on him initially. I still can't focus and my nose is so stuffy it interferes with sleep.

Enter into a long discussion with my PCP where she refuses to acknowledge that I might have ADHD and thinks it's from my nose + inability to sleep. We try to treat it. Nothing works. Still. Stuffy.

Apply to medical school. Worried about ADHD and being able to focus and learn. Therapist who I've been working with since Husband's hips agrees it is ADHD but can't medically treat. Referred to testing because maybe if I have an actual diagnosis, my PCP would treat.

Diagnosed with ADHD + autism. Clinician assessor told me that my PCP's office doesn't usually "accept" his diagnoses.

Go to a PMHNP instead who won't prescribe stimulants without assessment from a specific neuropsych.

Placed on Strattera while I wait for neuropsych results. It's terrible. Fevers spike, I'm shaking all the time, can't sleep, like no change in focus. 0/10.

Do assessment with neuropsych. Only did some self-rating scales + the WAIS. WAIS test is voided because I've done it too recently. I still have to pay.

PMHNP finally says she won't make me go through any more hoops and we try Vyvanse. Vyvanse is amazing. I barely have any exacerbation of anything physical even.

Start medical school, things are OK and stable.

A few weeks into school (probably like, 6 weeks after starting the vyvanse, if it matters). I start feeling unwell and dizzy and like my eyes can't focus well, and I can't bring myself to eat. I figure I just need more hydration + electrolytes. Eat more salt, do better.

Two months into med school, everything flares. My scalp flares, I end up with a staph aureus infection not just on my scalp but by both of my ears, neck, and even a small abscess on my arm.

Treated for the staph but two weeks later develop widespread myalgias. Start taking daily Aleve to manage.

Fever is flaring without any particular pattern during this process.

Losing so much hair in the shower and in clumps. Husband can't find discrete lesions of baldness. I look at the hair and they are all telogen stage. Decide it's probably telogen effluvium from the stress of school.

Myalgias get progressively worse until I am in so much pain just sitting in class that if I forget Aleve for just one day, I'm almost crying and can only focus on the pain.

Finally decide to get another appoint with my PCP. It's in 2 weeks.

Why did I wait so long to see my PCP again? Because I am fat with a history of a restrictive eating disorder and I am absolutely petrified I will be labeled once again as the Overly Anxious Fat Woman that "just needs to meditate and lose some weight," and that when I bring up my new diagnoses and meds, I'll be told I "can't possibly be autistic" because I'm in med school and "present myself well" nor can I have ADHD because clearly I'm just an overly anxious fat woman.

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

Ship Meme

tagged by @idrelle-miocovani! <3 thank you!

1. First ship you ever wrote fic for:

Whelp it was cullen and my inquisitor Lydia from dragon age, in waking dreams. It’s going to be a year in May since I finished it!

2. Ship you write the most now:

Connor and Sophie for my DBH fic. I also write for RDR2, but it’s been 10 months since I’ve started my dbh fic with this actress lady and her robot boyfriend and have invested myself in them. Since dramatic stuff is happening with OIL I’m very much in that headspace at the moment. TBH I think they’re kinda my favorite?

3. Ship you read the most now:

It’s honestly hard to read when I write long stuff, but I read what usually crosses my dash. It’s mostly cullen and inquisitor, seeing as how that’s where I got my start. I love Cullen and Val, told expertly well through @melaena‘s Cullen journals <3

4. Newest ship:

Arthur Morgan and Charlotte Balfour from the red dead universe! :)

5. Rare ship you want to see more of?

See above :) actually any ships with Arthur. where he’s happy. plz no him and dutch

6. Taboo ship?

don’t have one

7. Never met in canon ship?

considering Sophie is an oc, I’ll go with her and connor. They totally did meet though...it happened during the bridge chapter in the game. Like duh. 

8. Unexpected ship.

Honestly? Any of them. I never thought I’d write fan fiction but woops it’s three years later and two more fandoms with stories 🤷🏻‍♀️

9. Ship you need to give more love to:

My other two DA ships: Miranda and alistair and Rhine and fenris. I just kinda like cullen the best though? I saw a story for him more than any of my other LIs in the DA games. 

Also, my dragon born and vilkas. I still day dream about that hot smut scene I’m going to write about this golden haired Nord, disenfranchised and angry, banging her werewolf enemy to lover. 

:p 

10. Ship your own oc with a canon character:

The DA fandom is obviously built on these ships. I was nervous though to give Connor an OC, but here we are. And people like her, but more importantly I’m having fun. 

11. Embarrassing ship:

I’m not embarrassed to ship things. 

12. Most romantic ship:

Hmmmm I think all of them are like super romantic in their own ways. Connor and Sophie though are probably the most traditionally romantic, though Cullen and Lyd’s endgame is super romantic to me, living in the country. Arthur and Charlotte have the “country boy, city girl” thing going on, along with an Adam and Eve type of thing...

13. Sexiest ship:

Cullen and Lydia, objectively speaking. I also think Con and Soph can get pretty dang hot.

 Charlotte though...idk I think she has a...side to her. 😉

14. Most tragic ship:

Oh friends... I cannot say. But that being said I’m worried about how my next OIL update will be taken...which might happen tomorrow....

keep in mind I have so much more story to go. I promise 

15. Ship you want more content for:

More Arthur with anyone honestly. I have a soft spot for him with Charlotte obviously, but  and more Connor with OCs 😊

tagging @briarfox13 @melaena @bitchesofostwick @galadrieljones @thevikingwoman @negotiator-on-site @deviantramblings @laraslandlockedblues @ladymdc

[zephycluster]

Precolonial HWS SEA Rant Post, feel free to ignore

If you're still reading, then you're probably looking for evidence or some juicy tidbits to throw back at me or to try and find dirt to cancel me, like typical Tumblr/Twitter. Go ahead, I don't really care.

First off, let me just say that If you like Precolonial South-East Asia AUs, feel free to keep enjoying them. I will respectfully support your passions from afar. This post is just to explain why I don't like it, especially the way they keep insisting/portraying PH in it.

Still here? Then let me begin.

Since the recent confirmation that the ASEAN Six Majors (Can't really say ASEAN 10 atm since it's still missing some people) Were completed and the Ma-Phil-Indo Trio was included, there has been a large surge in 'Precolonial' fanarts and portrayals of South East Asians, those three especially.

Even long, long before, circa 2010's ish, a rather well-known fan universe known as 'Maaf' dealt with their story and how their Author thought their intertwined histories went. Written by (my best guesstimate) an Indonesian writer who wants to explore the old, SEA bond.

When I first stumbled across Maaf (I was in Highschool at the time, around age 16-ish), I took a casual interest in it and tried to read it through. But, I will wholeheartedly admit that at the time, Pre-Colonial cultures of South-East Asia in general, let alone Philippine, did not really interest me that much. The focus (I think) was mostly on Indonesia, a country I didn't really know back then, and the liberal use of 'ancient' names and artwork just made it feel like an entirely Original Work (that needed a degree in History to really appreciate) and not something from Hetalia. I also completely disagreed with what I could gather was the story's portrayal of PH but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Do I hate 'Maaf'? No, I don't hate it. Do I wish I never came across it or that it didn't exist? Of course not. Just because I didn't enjoy it or appreciate it that well doesn't mean I wish any ill toward it, its fans, or its creator.

Fast forward to April 2021, the long awaited inclusion of South East Asia to the canon Hetalia verse. I was happy, the other fans were happy, all was good.

Then started the questionable fanarts, fan theories and fan pairings.

Especially the expansion of Precolonial! PH.

Let's go back to Maaf for one moment. From what I understood of Maaf, PH there was a character who once was like all the other South East Asian cultures, trading with them, all around being a nice family.

But all that changed when the Spaniards attacked, so cry the precolonial buffs. They destroyed everything, ransacked and marginalized the tribes, erased everything that PH was!

Did that happen? ABSOLUTELY. The Spaniards had this vision in mind that they must spread Christianity to all of the 'savage, unchristian heathens' of their realm. :V /s

But back up a second, back to PH's portrayal in Maaf. The way she (yeah, she) was portrayed there was that she was slowly losing her memories of being a 'true' South East Asian and grew more and more westernized in the process, like some sort of Culture-specific Alzheimer's or something.

Firstly, that is seriously depressing, and secondly, I just really don't see that happening.

Here's why.

Point 1: Even before Colonial Masters, Filipinos as a people cannot agree on anything.

I'll just begin this segment with a Philippine proverb that outlines what Filipinos call 'Crab Mentality' or 'Crab Bucket Mentality'.

"You don't need a lid for a container when you're keeping multiple crabs. If you keep at least two crabs together, they will just pull each other down instead of helping each other up."

I don't know how it goes with Indonesian or Malaysian history class, but what I know of my homeland, both pre- and post-colonial history, we were never really 'united' or 'together' in the sense that Indonesia and Malaysia were (from what I assume).

Let me pull up a somewhat related question on r/AskHistorians.

The reason I brought this up as it shows the reasons why, in my opinion, a single entity that is 'Precolonial Philippines-tan' is an impossibility.

The answers are long and would extend this already long post to stupid proportions, so I'll just quote relevant sentences. The link is here for those that wanna deep-dive into the answer.

"All this to say that there wasn't a name used for the entire Philippine islands before the Philippines that people now would agree to. An interesting comparison would be the Holy Roman Empire, which might also be characterized as disparate politico-geographic groups of relatively small size that had a history of relations between each other, but one thing they had that the Philippines did not was a common language, or at least a family of mostly mutually intelligible languages, so that the name Deutschland or Germany isn't terribly offensive to anyone. If you called the Philippines the 'Lupang-Tagalog' or even 'Lupang-Tao' the other ethnic groups would protest."

For those in need of translation, 'Lupang Tagalog' means 'Land of the Tagalogs' and 'Lupang Tao' means 'Land of People', specifically. The first one is already exclusive and offensive, as the Tagalog peoples are but one of many ethnicities here.

And for the 'Lupang Tagalog' suggestion specifically, it's even more offensive as they are the majority ethnicity (not by much, just around 28%) From this chart from Geography Now! It would basically be alienating everyone else in the 72% remainder that isn't 'Tagalog'.

And even 'Lupang Tao', the most generic name in a local language you can think of, would be met with contempt because the name itself is in the Tagalog language.

Just travelling between two individual island groups today would sometimes require a translator because the words can change very rapidly and very drastically. Here's a sample of some differences coming from a friend living in Visayas (in Red) vs. the words I know living in Luzon (In blue).

Ate vs. Manang = Older Sister

Ibon vs. Pispis = Bird

Tumawa vs. Kadlaw = To laugh

Takot vs. Hadlok = Fear

Kain vs. Kaon = To eat

Ngayon vs. Subong = Now, at this point in time

Iyak vs. Hibi/Gibi = to cry

Talampakan vs. Tiil = Foot (in Tagalog, the word retains its 'body part AND unit of measurement' meaning)

Tulog vs. Tuyo = to sleep (Tuyo in Tagalog is either a dried salted fish or 'to dry')

The kicker is that just like Tagalog is just one of many languages here, so too is the language my friend speaks. Ask an entirely new person, like someone from Mindanao, they'll probably have an entirely new set of words.

It's not just Luzon vs. Visayas vs. Mindanao, either. Here's a map listing some of the ethnic groups here.

Even the way they're written differs from location to location.

While we're on the subject of Island divisions, a casual skim across Twitter and Tumblr has shown that their Precolonial PH has been one of the following ancient civilizations: Tondo, Butuan, Sugbu, Namayan. There may have been others but that was what I have found.

Notice how even today, the posters of Precolonial PH can't seem to agree on what he's supposed to be? With Indonesia it's either Majapahit or Srivijaya and Malaysia it's usually Malacca iirc.

What is the big deal? Well, let's go back to the Ask Historians post. "Why didn't the Philippines ever change its name to remove the colonial mark that being named after a Spanish King has?" The answer: "If you suggested something dating to precolonial times, the other ethnic groups would protest."

Since we're on a roll with maps, let me bring this up.

As you can see, the precolonial PH posts have a reason to not be able to agree on one thing, as there is a LOT of options. Do you also see how THAT list is also split up?

It's split up into those aligned with China (Sinified), aligned with India (Indianized), aligned with the Middle East (Islamicized), and no alignment (Animist). Now, let's go back to the main suggestions for which Kingdom/Polity/Civilization/whatever Modern Philippines used to be.

If the Filipino peoples' couldn't agree on something as simple as WHAT TO CALL THE LAND THEY'RE LIVING ON, what more a living, breathing, walking, talking entity that is supposed to be a beacon of all of their 'unified' culture? ESPECIALLY if that entity used to be a currently existing Kingdom/Polity/Rajahnate/Sultanate/whatever.

Tondo? "Of course, always the damn Tagalogs. Tagalog this, Tagalog that. First the capital city, then the language,* THE REST OF US EXIST, YOU KNOW! What about us in Visayas? Mindanao?"

*The national language known as 'Filipino' is just standardized Tagalog*

Butuan? "Wait, you want Butuan to represent us? They're they only Indian-aligned city in the Islam-majority Mindanao! They're not even that many of them! I'm not gonna change my religion!"

Sugbu, the other name for the Rajahnate of Cebu on the map? Lemme bring back my Visayan friend again. According to her, she hails from the Hiligaynon part of Visayas.

"Sure :v and the other islands are what?

Chopped liver?

Not to mention the language and writing barrier helloooo"

And Namayan? Well. I'll let this pic speak for itself.

To summarize, no matter who you pick as Modern PH's previous identity, it will not end well nor be accepted by the other Kingdoms at the time.

"So where does that leave Modern PH, he had to have been ONE of them, right?"

Well, not really. He doesn't HAVE to be one of the Ancient Kingdoms that lasted till the modern day. I mean, predecessor representatives exist in Hetalia canon, after all. Like Modern Greece is a different character from Ancient Greece, Ancient Egypt and Modern Egypt, heck even England and his brothers have a canon mother that was the rep before them.

Or you could even use the same logic that Germany does, in that each specific region has/had its own representative and that Modern!PH is just the 'mediator' between them (cause gawd does PH need one). There could be a Tondo, a Namayan, a Butuan, and a Sugbu, all arguing and this Proto-PH is just trying to make headway in making them all satisfied.

But, even after all this, there is another reason why I personally don't subscribe to the 'Precolonial PH' idea, and by tangential extension, the Indo x Phil pairing.

Point 2: Even without intending to, Precolonial Indo x Phil just comes off as patronizing

This second point is just ENTIRELY personal preference and barely has any facts to back it up.

Again, if you like the pairing and disagree with me, You do you. I will respectfully support you and your passions from a distance.

But for me, Indo being Phil's seme/bae/boyfriend and consistently bringing up precolonial times just comes off as patronizing.

Just one more time, I'd like to point out that I am NOT bashing Indonesia, its people or the subscribers of Indo x Phil. This is just how the pairing feels to ME specifically.

The way I see it, Indo x Phil as a pairing, especially if it extends back into precolonial times, reads the same way as a long-since married couple where the husband/wife CONSTANTLY brings up that ONE outing you had together, or that ONE prom night where you kissed while dancing, even it happened like 30 some-odd years ago and so much more happened since then.

Even in a platonic sense, It reads like two besties where one ALWAYS mentions stuff like 'Yeah but you looked so much cooler back in High School' or 'Back in Grade School you would've known that', or 'Remember back in Pre-school we did X? How could you forget that?'

How does one respond to the notion that no matter what you do now, it will never compare to a past you've already forgotten or barely remember? That the best version of 'you' is already long gone?

"That's because the westerners made you forget your culture! You gotta take it back!"

While it is true, yes, as a collective we barely remember the Kingdom that commissioned the Laguna Copperplate, or created the Banaue Rice Terraces, or created the millennia old bonds that we still share with Indonesia and Malaysia.

But to keep pushing the precolonial identity would be to neglect and cast aside the one REAL binding belief and culture that spans the entirety of these islands we call the Philippines.

We take on all the bad stuff that happens to us, conquer it, and make it our own. Be it natural disasters, foreign powers, or negative stereotypical mentalities.

Yes, we've forgotten the ancient kingdoms of old and are just now digging through the closet for those remnants of the past. Yes, the colonizers imposed that on us, and made us forget. But in the process we've also taken everything that they left behind, everything that they threw at us, and created something that can only come from us.

The lanterns that the Spaniards used to light the way to the morning masses they made us attend became our globally known symbol of Christmas. The junked vehicles that the Americans left behind in World War 2 are now rolling works of art that announce themselves loud and proud on the streets (for better or for worse). The iced dessert recipe that the Japanese forced us to learn while they were occupying the country is now so distinct and famous it is synonymous with us, and is so delicious even Italy has taken notice.

Even after all this? Even after all the 425-ish years total we have been under a foreign power, with all the progress we've made as a country, a people, and a nation, you would still imply our fragmented, jigsaw puzzle state of being in the past was better just because it was pure 'South East Asian' like everyone else?

We might not be as well put-together as Indonesia or Malaysia, but we made this melting pot of angry, leg-pulling, dogpiling, Native, Mestizo, Chinoy, and Fil-Am crabs OURS, damnit!

It's now 4:30 AM and I have work in 5 or so hours. I'll be going to sleep now.

[irisvseyelash]

[Part 1] B-But my thingsss is just either sleep, eat, having existensial crisis while doing nothing (esp during this lockdown), staring at my ceiling for hours, checking any Batarou content for hours too, or making super random hcs. So yeah, I'll do it anyway! It's already halfway done, btw✌ Also good chance to try how that submit button will work I'm honestly curious, too 😗 Lmao the teachers had already fed up for these 2 rascal kids, they're so done with all shoujo love drama between them 😂

[Part 2] I believe Bang will pester Garou by asking anything about Badd EVERYTIME like a nagging father. Bang: "When will you make Badd my son-in-law?", Garou: "I'M NOT EVEN GRADUATED FROM HIGHSCHOOL PLZ CHILL, OLDMAN!!". Zenko: "Ma, bigbro has a new bf. That's why he insisted to make extra lunchbox every morning", Badd: "Zenko NO-", Mom: "WHA-, BADD WHY YOU DIDN'T TELL MA, HUH?! NOW CALL YOUR BF HE MUST GOING TO DINNER WITH US TOMORROW". They adore Garou very much in the end. Good! 😆

[Part 3] It's OK to write our emotion out! Sometimes I also write comfortfic/sickfic when I'm depressed, depended my mood atm. But happy end always there, even it's in "twisted" way, huehehehe~ *suspicious evil laugh* 😈 When I make my OTP die: "oh no poor soul.. let me do it in a quick merciful way 😢😇". When I make my disliked charas die: "YASS SWEET PAINFUL DEATH TASTED SO GOOD, MMHMM.. NO MERCY FOR YOU OHOHOHO-- 💀😈" (and yesss plz talk more about your Batarou Hanahaki!AU 👀✨)

[Part 4] Aww THANK YOU, IRIS! I'm glad that you think I'm one of the best anon or I've provided good Batarou hcs this year, I feel honoured too tysm I LOVE YOU TOO aaaa-- 😭🙏💖💗💘💕💞💝🌸 (wha? I never joined any discord, only lurking around on tumblr as anon or ao3 as Little1993lamb lol 😜). Also, I'm glad that I could meet you in this fandom. Because what? TWOSET GANG!! SOUTH-EAST ASIAN GANG!! FELLOW BATAROU FANS!! YOOO~ WE (and the rest of fandom members) ARE AWESOME!! 🙌🙌

[Part 5] OMG I FORGOT TO MENTION, Temperans-sama made another DemonAngel Monster!Batarou again it's so magnificent I'm fangirling at it rn I'M CRYING I'M MELTIN-- *incoherence babling mess*. Lol sorry for that, but seriously plz checked on her newest art! Despite labeled as nsfw, there's no actual explicit content in it. Only implication, the rest is our imagination.. 😏 Badd's wings in the art, bro.. I can't stop looking at his soft fluffy wings. The lighting made him looked like HOLY BEING 😳��

Me: Hm... Wonder if Dyan's replied yet

This 5-Part ask: hELLO THERE

Me: *literally startled enough to drop my phone*

Ah yes anyway, your things is indeed a big mood but don't you have like... Work, to do? I mean mine's just a mountain of assignments and schoolwork ( ;- ;)

wEll I guEsS NOt ¯\(°_o)/¯

It's halfway done? 👀👀👀👀👀 can't wait to reaaaad ugghhhdhdhdh and looks like the mystery of a post submission is gonna be solved soon wheeEEEEE

Okay but the teachers being So Done™ with the two of them is a big mood like who wouldn't be if they were probably the type to literally skip class just to escape school and hang out at the arcade or the manga store or sumn (*cough* Date *Corona*)

Also, your little convo of the typical teen and their s/o is PERFECT I CAN SEE IT HAPPENING 😂😂😂😂👌👌👌 Bang's just going "I want to see grandchildren before I die" and Garou just going "dAD NO—" AND BADD'S MOM GOING ALL "LET ME SEE MY FUTURE SON-IN-LAW *SCREECH*" and Badd just looking around at the shopping centre like "Mom.. Mom stop... Mom people are looking sTOP" because they would be at the grocery store looking for the ingredients to buy and his mom dragging him because she wants to know ALL about this charming young man that successfully charmed her hard-head of a son

And when they meet one another they just. CHARMED. CHARRRRMMMMEEDDDDDD YOU HEAR MEEEE

Garou's arrival would be like *steps into Badd's mom's view* *imaginary roses start appearing out of nowhere because he REALLY DRESSED UP for this* and his mom turning to Badd like "If you're not gonna marry him I will" and then Badd just proceeds to choke because this old woman wants to marry an 18 year old like no bro nooooo

And Badd would be just. Baby. He's baby enough that Bang would fuss over him so much that Badd accidentally snaps at him and Bang goes all "Oooooh feisty. You chose a great one, Sonny" and Badd has his back almost folded in half by how hard Bang smacked him and Garou just flusters and stutters amd is just overall Embarassed™ not for himself but for his 'Dad' whose making Badd a little overwhelmed at how he's acting

Idk man my teacher said writing with the ink called emotion's not good. Like the readers can see that you utterly despise or adore that character or situation. Which in my opinion is great, but I guess not

ヽ(｀⌒´)ノ

But yess killing off that one character you hate the most just gives you so much satisfaction that you just... Can't help but grin when you write out their death.

And Imma write up the Hanahaki AU in the reblog of this post... Soon. Cause I needa finish reading Azfa Hanani (my literature book) for tomorrow's quiz D': AND YES DYAN YOU DESERVE ALL THE LOVE FOR WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW I LOVE YOUUUUUU

*squints suspiciously* that wink looks very sus and even if you ARE in the discord gang, Fiji is the twosetter there and YES TWOSET GANG (wait a damn minute) ASEAN GANG AND BATAROU GANG WE COOL (EVERYONE TOO)

AND TEMPERANS-SAMA POSTED ANOTHER ART?! HDHDHDGSGGD OH NOOOOOO ITS NSFW I CANT LOOK AT THATTTTTTT I'M 15 (°ﾛ°٥) *snurt* Oh there's no explicit content? Oho okay~ AFTER FINISHING MY BOOK.

And BABBLE ON ALL YOU WANT DYAN

Temperans-sama's art is ✨magnifique✨ and is just simply on a whole other level. SO I TOTALLY GETCHU.

I WAS A WHOLE BABBLING MESS WHEN Y'ALL STARTED TO INTERACT WITH ME TOO MY FIRST WAS CAIN THEN EIR AND THEN YOU AND THEN THE DISCORD GANG AND I LOVE, APPRECIATE AND ADORE ALL OF YOU—

*clears throat* Excuse me. Anyways, since I'm a little restless today, my mind made another au but Azfa Hanani style and I can't wait to finish the story so I can just write a whole AU for my boys :')

So anyways when I've seen the art I will simply simp harder for them I see 👀 I am unprepared but then again just when are we, amirite?

[genuinelyseriouslyobviously]

Young & Beautiful

• oh thank god, he's doing good in classes (my student brain has been worried about that. romance be damned, i want this boy to do great in his courses)

• harry wtf. ik this is a larry fic, but a part of me is relieved he's staying away from louis atm?

• heart shirt. cat figurines. okay yea, this is harry

• there's tension in the room and it's not sexual. i'm a bit scared for louis

• harry continues to surprise me

• stuffed animals too!!

• oh hazza.... god, is he okay?

• oh no, harry... fuck, i hate this, leave my boy alone. he's a person not a fucking sex toy

• louis, babe, you're an angel

• So it’s a painting about himself but it reminds him of Harry. well, someone is already infatuated, huh?

• zouis <3 and lilo, but like, zouis

• h's family is fifty shades of fucked up

• louis is so... curious, ig, and it's nice, considering there isn't a romantic connection at all. yet.

• maybe—just a suggestion— maybe louis should actually, like, study for once?

• wow they really hate each other... there's tension again, but maybe this will end up good

• matchmaker zayn at it again

• harry is making jokes? god, i'm as surprised as louis is

• And Louis can’t help but glare because he hates how poetic this fucker looks right now, with his Greek-mythology styled curls and clusters of eyelashes that would have spiraled Keats into depression and worn Byron’s fingers to the bone. Especially when Louis keeps pin-balling between being convinced that he’s a demon and a broken angel. well, idek what to say

• louis' mom is fifty shades of fucked up too. yay.

• harry smiles!!!!!!

• oh harry....

• they're actually getting along holy shit

• uh huh...

• ZOUIS

• THEY'RE GETTING ALONG

• But Louis knows. He just knows. soulmate shit, etc etc. but i am worried about haz

• Nobody’s reacting, nobody cares, nobody sees it or hears the tidal rushes of water or the rain or the absence of Harry and his fucking umbrella-dog-handle thing he named Berkley, but Louis does, Louis fucking sees and hears and feels and fuck— i don't even have anything to say, just. them.

• and Louis is left alone, vaguely wondering if he’s begun to drown as well. hello?? why are you doing this author?

• harry was really having an orgy, good god—

•haz is being such an asshole, god.. probably because he thinks louis is being nice out of pity?

• geesus fucking christ, this is a mess. poor harry

• zayn has really been shipping it since that first luncheon

• oh boy... and zarry too, i should've seen that coming.

• OH MY GOD THATS ACTUAL PROGRESS

• fucking hate how harry's "friends" treat him like a sex doll and nothing else. sleep with him, and that's it.

• I'm glitter!

Following you

Look, it’s like Hansel and Gretel!

#drunklouisstopbeingcutechallange

• THEY'RE SINGING TOGETHER I AM GETTING EMOTIONAL

• so cute??

• yea, i feel like shit too, lou

• niall does give great advice

• oh, wow, they actually study-

• OT5

• louis, baby... why do they both have shit patents?

• i'm so HAPPY harry's walls are crumbling down. a bit. but still.

• no doubt harry is extremely good at music, writing and playing, no doubt but i feel like louis feels it very deeply because he understands h on a level... or atleast he's willing to understand him (this first time he hears him playing piano and violin, the reaction is basically "its the most gorgeous this i've heard)

• why is a single thank you getting me this emotional

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

`°~chapters 11 to 21~°`

[itcouldbemoreonfire]

Hey pal, I hope you're doing okay and I'm sending you hugs and questions! 4, 11, 18, 26, 49, 57

The hugs are appreciated, as is the distraction.

4. What is your favorite word?

Probably home or something, because after going so far away for uni I always feel happy thinking about home and my friends and family, so it just sort of gives me a warm feeling inside. Sorry I’m lame, but basically every word I have ever known flew out of my head.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

I’m not really sure to be honest I know that its definitely from when I was abit younger. Maybe year 10. I know that GCSEs had just started but I feel like I came out of my shell that year and managed to get a real good group of friends. Also one of my few clear memories of that year are our amazing school trips (the sugar duck) and going to Disneyland for Halloween so that always a plus. 

Failing that I think I was pretty happy age 5, I’d just started primary and I think school wasn’t slowly killing me at that point.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Is my brain and answer? Cause I really want to punch my brain atm. But failing that I really want to punch the asshole who shall not be named, cause he godanm deserves it and worse. (sorry to be depressing on this one but I can let most things go but not stuff towards my friends who deserve to always be happy because they are the best tm)

26.  You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

This is hard because previously I’d say new orleans cause I’ve always wanted to go, but I have a holiday booked there already. I’d probably say somewhere like Mexico maybe or Japan. Somewhere far away that I’ve never been with a lot of history.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

Chameleons and cats because just imagine the havoc an invisible cat could cause.  

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

Are we counting graphs in this for physics cause then it would be a graph of the eigenstates for energy of a finite potential well, other than that it was been a very long time since I’ve drawn anything so it might have been a tattoo design or possibly a map.