#well how can I not when this fucking franchise is just filled with random shit

[possum-socks]

Apparently this weird ass comic strip about chicken soup shadow inspired a lot of thoughts in me so-

im fucking crying. i am inconsolable. i will never heal.

[alleycatchitchat]

Kung Fu Panda 4 Initial Reactions

Just got back from the theater! Here are my thoughts. I'll try to be vague about the plot, but be warned: spoilers below.

---

So I went into the theater with rock-bottom spirits. I had seen the cringeworthy previews, read the disheartening reviews, connected the unsatisfactory dots and concluded that the movie I was about to see would be a nasty dumpster fire of a train wreck. And yet kfp played such a big role in my childhood that I couldn't just stay away. Filled with dread and morbid curiosity, I braced myself for the worst.

And it wasn't that bad.

Don't get me wrong; this movie made some decisions that I HUGELY disagree with. And compared to the other kfp movies, it's undeniably lousy. But it didn't ruin the franchise for me and I actually enjoyed myself in the theater.

Listing off my thoughts in no particular order:

Zhen. She is, to my surprise, a lot less irritating that I expected. The trailers don't do her justice and Awkwafina's voice was a whole lot less jarring than I expected. In terms of actual personality and even backstory, I liked her! However. Let's be honest, her design is shit. She looks like someone's Zootopia self-insert. She feels totally out of place in this movie -- particularly, during the end credits when she's side-by-side with the five (who all have the most beautiful stylized designs). Also, plotwise, WHAT is she doing in this film? Spoiler alert: she becomes the new dragon warrior. Spoiler alert again: yes, this is every bit as random and undeserved as you can imagine.

Furious Five: Were not in the movie. First of all, fuck you dreamworks, how dare you withold my children? My darlings? The loves of my life? Their absence is keenly felt and the plot is emptier without them, and I mean that with complete sincerity. I’m also going to point out the obvious; if there has to be a new Dragon Warrior, and I’m not saying that’s a good plot idea, but if there has to be, it should be Tigress. It makes the most sense thematically and the possibilities are just so good – developing her relationship with Po as he provides guidance, facing her feelings of inadequacy, exploring her connections with Shifu and the rest of the five — I could go on and on. The wasted potential is breathtaking. To be honest, it kinda feels like Zhen was written to replace her(using a hug to de-escalate a fight with Po, anyone?). Fanfic writers, I need a rewrite of this movie with Tigress, stat.

TAI LUNG! He was obviously played for nostalgia and there was no concrete point to his lines or presence. He was also written, if you ask me, pretty out of character. I’m still fuming over the fact that they brought him back and we don’t get to see Shifu’s reaction at all. Again, the wasted potential is breathtaking. When compared with Kai and Shen, who have NO speaking lines, it’s obvious that dreamworks just didn’t want to pay for extra actors. I thought that his acceptance of Po as the Dragon Warrior at the end was super cool, but there was NO lead up, NO meaningful character development to make this feel sincere, and again, it would have hit much harder if Tigress or Shifu were also there or if Po was NOT giving up the title. That being said, I never thought he would appear in a movie again, and I’m happy to have any crumbs I can get. They did a bad job, yes, but they BROUGHT HIM BACK. 

Po’s dads! Their side story was goofy and unnecessary but fun, and I enjoyed it. Also maybe it’s just me but the romantic tension between them is AMPED UP – does Li, like, live at the restaurant now? And they spend the movie acting like the most married couple ever. And when Li bursts into the tavern to rescue Mr. Ping, who looks at him with those starstruck eyes – well. I’m just saying. I think there’s something going on there.

I liked the Chameleon! Yeah, her whole gimmick is a little bit ripped off from Kai, but she’s sinister and greedy and badass, so she’s the real deal. I actually thought she was scarier than previous villains – there was less comic relief, maybe? I can only think of one instance where she’s presented in a comedic light, and even then, the tension just picked right up from where it left off. Which is strange, because the rest of the movie is a lot more lighthearted than previous films.

The pacing was weird. Too fast.

Shifu was cute in this movie. More Shifu please!

The reaction to Tai Lung’s return was WEIRD. It’s obvious Dreamworks didn’t want to dedicate time or effort to what was, essentially, a red herring. But. Plot-wise, it’s SO WEIRD that Po would try to face him with no backup. And the fact that we didn’t get to see Shifu’s reaction AT ALL, ugh. Realistically speaking I think Shifu would try to go face Tai Lung, no matter how “inner peace”-y he is now. Like come on, Tai Lung was his son, for crying out loud! 

The goats at the start? Also weird designs. Feel out of place.

Mantis got married! What the heck? (neutral about this, but it was definitely unexpected.)

In general, the plot was weird. It didn’t feel meaningful and it didn’t quite fit in with the rest of the kfp universe. Storytelling decisions were just plain bad. But as a standalone movie, it was not… terrible. Not irredeemable. I think, if Tigress had taken Zhen’s place, this could have actually worked. But she didn’t, and it didn’t.

So I’m going to headcanon it as fake and just stick to loving the first 3 movies. I don’t regret watching it, but there were huge problems that prevented me from enjoying it to its full potential.

[yahooanswersblog]

Some more random Q/A’s from Ask.fm

Do you believe the decision to overturn Roe V Wade was unconstitutional?

If a state can punish someone for crossing state lines to get an abortion, then it's 100% unconstitutional.

Do you think I'm too old to be on social media? I'm 37 years old. D,:

Should older people just be into non-computer things like bingo and playing cards? It makes no sense.

Donuts with or without filling? I personally don’t like filling

Filling makes me feel either guilty or gross usually, maybe both. Maybe small amounts of the right kind of filling would be good.

Is walking around the woods naked illegal?

If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, it still does make a noise.

who would go out with elliot page

He seems like the type of guy that could help a woman to feel safe when out in public and such.. I wouldn't want to run into him!

Has anyone watched Monk?

I never saw it, but I've wondered how many people can spot Buffalo Bill in that one.

WTF . . . people nearby? I can't see anybody but me . . . can you?

I'm within a few yards of you. Don't worry, you're not alone.

How can I make friends on this app?

This is an anti-friend app.

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

Assuming there will be a sequel, I'll plan on watching it. It would be nice to have Alec Baldwin back, but we'd probably have heard about it if he were to by now.

Meat eater or veg?

Slightly carnivorous.

What’s your biggest first world problem?

Better Call Saul is almost completely done with, marking the end of a very long era, if you count Breaking Bad, which I do. There is supposedly not a great chance of another spin-off.

might delete my ask. y’all are starting to creep me out.

Disabling anon questions didn't even help?

Mixed drinks or straight

Straight if the booze is high quality.

u wanna see my house?

You can post a pic of it if you want.

Which is more mentally frustrating school or a Job?

It's like comparing apples and... asparagus.

Drama vs Comedy

Usually drama, but that could be because there's too much shitty comedy.

Your favorite game is going VR. What game is that, and how will it be?

Lets see...

glances at current faves

Royal Match in VR would be pointless. I'll go back to an old classic like Duke Nukem 3D, polish the graphics and add some modern culture to it, then we're rocking and rolling with kickass fun.

Scream vs Halloween 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

The latter is real horror, the former being more satire, if I'm not mistaken. I think I'd prefer actual horror IF well made, over so-called comedy horror.

what was the inspiration for your username?

Laziness, because mine is pretty shitty.

🖥 What's the best comedy movie you've ever seen? 🤣

for clean comedy: Happy Gilmore

adult: Cheap thrills, Happiness

6/26 what’s your favorite Jurassic Park Movie?

n/a not into that franchise.

let’s go buy a gun

👷‍♂️ What do you do for a living? 👩‍🍳

I'm a janitor at an abortion clinic.

Do you own a car?

Not right now. Not long after the pandemic started to take full swing, I thought fuck it, I should only spend money on what actually brings me joy, and not all of what makes me look good to society.

Can you search for people by area?

No. One of the only good (and great) things to be added to this site over the years is that all answers to a question can be found on one page. The so called developers of this site/app are brain dead, lazy pieces of shit.

[shameless-notashamed]

I was tagged by @gardenerian @milkimick @smokey-mickey & @squidyyy23 to answer some ✨fandom & random questions✨. Thanks to each one of you glorious and magnificent angels! 💖

FANDOM:

When did you start watching Shameless? Since the beginning, in 2011. I actually remember the promos for the show and thinking it looked bat-shit crazy, but I’m so glad I tuned in.

How did you start getting involved in the gallavich fandom? It was due to quarantine, early on in the pandemic. I couldn’t work and needed a diversion (more like an escape, but yeah). I can honestly say being a part of this fandom gave me so much joy during what was such a stressful and difficult time of my life, and it continues to bring me joy daily.

Favorite Shameless character? (other than Ian and Mickey of course): I’d have to say Lip. He’s problematic, sure, but what character on Shameless wasn’t? I wanted so much more for him, but I’m still happy with how it all turned out for him. (Btw, I still headcanon that Lip kept the Gallagher house and him and Tami are raising their two kids there.)

What plotline from the show irked you the most? There were a few, but probably s8 & s9 Fiona, like all of it. For a character I had adored so much, it just got harder and harder to respect her.  Fiona, Ian, and Lip were a big part of what I loved about the show. Seeing her fighting with Ian over the church building and then later when she facilitated Lip’s sponsee falling off the wagon, and how she was being compared to Frank at the end there. I didn’t want to dislike her, but I couldn’t not.

Favorite line from the show? This is so random, but it’s always stuck with me, it’s when Youens tells Lip “We have only two jobs on this earth, the first to learn, the second to cope.”

Fanfic(s) you can’t stop thinking about: Well, this is a tough one, there are so many, but here’s some that come to mind��

Ian Is Not A Vampire Slayer & The Mask Of Insanity by @annatrow

Dancing After Death by @squidyyy23

Cadmium & Carbon & You Can’t Always Get What You Want by @chat-noir12

The Night Was All We Had by @tear-soaked-cheeksdonteverlast

What Happens In Vegas by @ilostmylifeonline

Since We’re Alone by @buffymilkovich & @lethargicmick

Hollywood & Young Blood by @whaticameherefor

Let The Bodies Do The Talkin’ by @captainjowl

That Readhead Babyface/Fuck U-up Duality by WhatTheBodyGraspsNot

Cooperative Gameplay & Like Real People Do by @gallavichy

Hooking Up With Feelings by @peppermintkatie

RANDOM:

The best concert(s) you’ve been to: I’ve been to a couple Lollapaloozas and to Bonaroo once, and those were awesome. But my other favorites were Foo Fighters, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The White Stripes, Jason Mraz, The Avett Brothers, Dashboard Confessional, just to name a few.

Comfort movie franchise: Please don’t judge me, but it’d be the Marvel movies. Yeah yeah, lowest common denominator and all that, and they aren’t exactly cinematic gold, but I like them. And I had never experienced movie storytelling like that before where so many movies were linked together and how the characters came into play over and over again.

Piercings/tattoos? Just my ears pierced.

Most rewatched TV show(s): Shameless, The Walking Dead, Stranger Things, The Office, My So-Called Life, Outlander, there’s probably more but I can’t think what they are right now.

Pet peeves: I’m pretty go with the flow, so I don’t think I have many. But I do detest when my sink is full of dishes and I seem to be the only person with the know-how to fill a dishwasher.

Random fact about yourself: I can Tap dance!

I’m tagging: all of those writers mentioned above in the “Fics I can’t stop thinking about” answer (unless you were already tagged, in that case, I’m just over here adoring your brilliance). 💖

[sebbybooks]

Never Mine

Sebastian Stan x Fanfiction

Part One

"With my dog as my witness, to whoever was riding my ass if they didn't back off my bumper I was going to stop in the middle of the road and rip their windshield wipers completely off!"

That type of anger coiled around me like a snake, because there was nothing that bugged me more than someone driving bumper to bumper. The long and exasperated breath I just released helped ease the tension out of my body temporarily. Just in time for reason to settle in. Though in reality it wasn't like I was actually going to jump out of my car and confront this road demon. Who clearly needed to take a course on etiquettes of the road. What I did know was that whoever was behind the wheel of the car had headlights that were so blinding I am sure extraterrestrials in space could spot them.

Trying to find the calm in the situation I focused on the road ahead of me. What little road I could see for that matter. Which wasn't exactly much. I had checked the forecast earlier in the day with the report of it showing that there was to be only clear and blue skies. By the amount of downpour before me you would think there was a tear in the sky if that was how rain fell. I just needed to hang tight for a few more miles until I reached my exit to stop for the night.

I had been driving for nine consecutive hours and it wasn't until the third hour I realized I was not cut out for long distance driving. The plane ticket I turned down from my father was starting to look like a missed opportunity. I opted out for Cooper's sake. I just rescued the little guy a few short weeks ago and I didn't have the heart to leave him alone so soon.

Despite having only six more hours of this painful drive I needed out of my car. A hot shower and a bed was calling my name like a siren's call was to a dazed sailor at sea. I was fervidly drawn to it. Granted, I wasn't exactly going the speed limit in my own defense. Simply because I chose to be a cautious driver not a careless one unlike the dip shit behind me. Cooper and I were going to get to Sonoma, California in one piece if I had anything to do with it! I had no intention to speed in the rain even if it annoyed the person behind me. After all I was driving down a one lane road there was literally nothing else I could do but drive forward.

Taking a glance up at my trusty Garmin my gps projected that at this rate I wouldn't make it to my hotel for another hour and a half. Ahead of me the sky was starting to look like a terrifying shade of gray and to top it off the dismal weather was becoming more and more hard to drive in. I could barely see the paint on the pavement. My defrosters seemed to have given up on me as I began to notice that my rearview mirror fogged up as though it was twilight hour.

I needed to pull over to try to wait out the heavy rainfall. The only problem was that I did not know where I was nor could I see where the road even had an end. The cheap gas station coffee was starting to wear off and the pep talks could no longer motivate me. The words of encouragement quickly transitioned into self deprecating quips of "I can not fucking do this!"

I was too far from home to turn back now and hearing a lecture from my dad despite being well beyond the ages of even receiving one, certainly would not stop him from scolding at my absence. I am more than certain that fiancée number three would not mind if I missed their prenuptial celebration. Especially if arriving on time meant I would be showing up dismembered. It was official I was going to die in this storm.

All of sudden like I called upon a bad omen my tiny Kia Forte jerked forward. I thought I accidentally stomped on the gas pedal too hard without realizing it. When it happened again I knew exactly what it was. Clearly the driver had mistaken this for a game of bumper cars. I laid the palm of my hand on the center of my steering wheel and relentlessly pressed my horn. Not sure what that was going to necessarily ward off , but I had to try something in the efforts that they would leave me alone.

Cooper's head shot up from his bed in the backseat. He looked just as displeased and annoyed as I felt. Why wouldn't they slow down? Is the question I could not figure out. I don't know if it was all the Stephen King that I read, but my paranoia was increasing as I started to settle on the possibility that they were now following me.

Maybe I was tired?

Maybe my imagination truly was getting the best of me?

Or maybe whoever that person was also suddenly decided to take the same random exit as I was taking.

I didn't think. I veered my car off to the right and got on the first breakaway from this seemingly endless road. I had no idea where I was headed at this point and neither did my Garmin. It made multiple attempts to reroute itself, but even that could not locate where I was. I took an unexpected detour by driving off into the middle of nowhere with a now stalker in my midsts.

Adrenaline now filling up my bloodstream. I gave my steering wheel the death grip and drove as fast as the tire tracks of my car would guide me. On a midsize billboard to my left I saw a logo for a gas station and a non franchised bed & breakfast saying it was right up the road. I was taking a chance by trusting that the establishment was clean and safe. I just needed to go where a crowd of people would be. The battery on my phone was likely dead and yes this was now becoming the opening sequence for a King novel. I'd laugh if my heart wasn't fluttering as fast a hummingbird's wing.

I managed to make out lights ahead as I neared the petrol station first. However, it just about looked abandoned. The dim white lights flickered around the desolate parking lot. I saw only two freight trucks parked side by side and I immediately thought

. . .hell no.

I kept driving forward in the hopes that the bed and breakfast sign wasn't last updated in the early nineties. I nearly combusted from relief when I finally saw it. Several cars and mini vans lined up with people inside of them probably doing the same thing that I was. I didn't plan on staying the night I just planned on staying long enough to hide out from the rain and from the trouble that still followed my trails.

Luckily there were free parking spaces close to the entrance. It was still hard to make out what the place truly looked like. From my view in the car the rain made it look like it was a melting oil painting. In a swift motion I put my car in park, turned my ignition off, reached in the back to grab Cooper and grabbed ahold of my purse in the other arm. I bolted out of my car for the door.

It felt as though I was running through a hurricane. I was completely drenched. I could barely keep my eyes from closing as I ran up the slippery steps in my worn Toms praying that I wouldn't eat concrete. There was an awning over the door that offered relief from the storm's cruel embrace . Looking down at the fuzzy brown welcome mat I noticed a quote was scribbled out on it.

"some beautiful paths

can't be discovered without getting lost."

As I reached for the doorknob I couldn't help but notice the intricate design. I'm aware of how wrong the timing was to fawn over something so utterly mundane. I just could not conceal the fact that I was a sucker for antiques roadshow and architectural designing. Growing up with a dad that built and reconstructed vintage furniture one might pick up on the interest. It was a white privacy doorknob with hand painted roses, with a Victorian long plated silver keyhole. The sound of distant car door slamming snapped me out of my daze. I turned my head in the direction of the sound low and behold it was that same car. Crazy thing is I didn't see anyone by it.

Instinct guided me forward considering my brain was scrambling with worry. I ushered myself inside and it was as though I fell into a pink wonderland. From the pink carpet to the multicolored pink pinstripe wallpaper. Hot pink roses seemed to have been the main theme for the lobby. There were various black and silver picture frames with photos of pink roses hanging on every wall. On every surface my eyes could catch, red and pink plastic roses sat in circular olive green vases. It was certainly....something. I thought I was doing the most logical thing by coming inside, but it quickly dawned on me that I saw no one around.

"Hello?" I cautiously called out.

I paced myself as I walked up to the front desk, simultaneously looking around for any potential red flags. My right arm was going numb, my little guy was tiny but felt like I was lugging around a sack of potatoes. I wandered away from the desk to poke my head around the place. There was a entry way that led to a dinning area with a handful of seats adorned with of course pink table settings. I was standing next to a spiral staircase to what I assumed led to the rooms. There was only one door that held a sign for a bathroom. Perhaps there was a power outlet I could use long enough to charge my phone to call my dad.

The same door I walked in swung open and droplets of rain was blown in by the wind. A shiver rolled down my spine, sending a myriad of sparks that shot through my body. Turning around a strange sensation filled the pits of my stomach. It felt like butterflies and moths had taken up space there. Excitement and fear. I just stood completely mute like I had never seen a man before. Well to my defense I hadn't seen ones that look like him in my town. Without even seeing my reflection I had an inkling as to the state of my appearance. I was utterly perplexed by how he pulled off the kissed by an ocean look. To embarrass myself further of course my dog chose that moment to shake water off of his fur on to me.

"Really Coop?" I tried to hide my disgust, but he got it around the corner of my mouth! The good looking stranger offered a half smile that probably pitied my overall state.

"Is the black Kia parked out yours?" Even his voiced oozed sex appeal. He angled his frame so he could face me. There was about an arm length of distance between us. His eyes practically bore into my face I suppose waiting for me to say something. Must have been the buzzcut, the facial scuff, or the fact that some creep was still parked outside waiting to do who knows what. But my thoughts were not where they should have been.

I blinked and straightened up my posture. "Yeah why?" I finally answered.

It was a causal question, yet it felt completely random like there was something else to it.Neither of us spoke for a few seconds.The silence was so thick it would take a hacksaw to cut through.

"Well I'll be damned! I didn't think I would get to see you until after you got back from your trip in California." A woman most likely in her late sixties came rushing down the stairs for him. She draped her arms around his body clearly taking him by surprise. Her cotton candy colored pink bouffant made up for most of her height. Sebastian returned her embrace. Although it looked extremely awkward considering he stared at me the whole time and I stood there watching.

"Moe's old truck didn't give you too much trouble did it?" She asked.

"No it still got some life left in it." Sebastian's jaw went slack and he looked from her to me once more. Only this time he was looking at me with a cold glare. Realization suddenly crashed into me like a wild horse.

[idorkish]

The Reaper’s Angel: Fly Away - Chapter 8

Warnings: Smut/mention of smut. Cursing, 

 Thank you so much to those who have stuck around. This section is quickly coming to an end. Please be gentle with me, it’s a long time since writing smut! Also, this is unbeta’d, so all mistakes are mine. LOL 

Need to catch up? Check out Reaper’s Angel Masterlist 

Angel had been back in Charming for three months when she finally ran into him. Well, it was more that she crashed into him as she wasn’t paying attention in the store. Angel stared wide-eyed over her cart, her fingers gripping the handles tightly. “D-d-David?”

David looked up and smiled, “Angel! Shit, I’m sorry, I should have looked where I was going. I’m zoning out today. What have you been up to? How ya been?”

“Just moved back to Charming. Working at the garage for now. What about you? Thought you were still in the Marines?”

David rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head. “Nah. It was time for me to leave. I missed being home. I’m actually working at the police station now. Started a couple of months after I got back to Charming.”

Angel couldn't help but smile at him. It had been years since they last saw one another. Their last interaction hadn't left them on any good terms but Angel couldn't help but take in how much David had Changed. 

"Wow, you? A cop? Well damn. David Hale, all grown up and protecting little ol’ Charming.”

He smiled and gave a small shrug. “Look I know this might seem odd, considering, well you know," David cleared his throat and rubbed at the back of his neck, "But, um, I was thinking that we could catch up over lunch, or dinner if that’s better? Sometime soon hopefully?”

“Are you asking me out on a date?” Angel smiled a bit at her lower lip. She wasn’t sure how she felt about the butterflies in her stomach when he asked her. How could it be that he made her feel like a teen all over again? 

“Well, I’d eventually like to. But this time, it'll just be us catching up and nothing more. I’m sure you still got the club on your ass about who you’re hanging out with. Wouldn’t want to have the charter buckle down on you more than I’m sure they already are.”

Angel barked out a laugh and quickly covered her mouth, her eyes wide but sparkling with amusement. She did a quick look around their surroundings and let out a sigh of relief that no one was paying them any attention. He was right, the last thing she needed was everyone in the club becoming more overprotective of her. “Always the charmer Hale. I’m free tomorrow night. 7:30 pm. Granted, it might not be a good idea to stay in Charming, considering, well ya know.”

“7:30. I know a place out in Lodi that’s nice. We can meet there. I’ll send you the address and everything.” David couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. He had left things on bad terms with Angel, and there wasn’t a moment he didn’t regret that. Once he had left her that day, he knew he fucked up but it was too late. He had made his mind up and hadn’t looked back. This didn’t mean that Angel never crossed his mind. No, no. She was always on his mind. Over the years, he wondered what she was doing, if she was still in Charming or if she went to school in Arizona like they had planned. This was a good start for reconciliation and David was hopeful that nothing would fuck this up. 

The next evening couldn't arrive quickly enough for Angel. She was fidgeting the whole day and avoided Gemma as much as possible.  She loved that woman but knew she wouldn't stop badgering Angel for information.  This was something Angel needed to keep for herself.  When Bobby cornered her in the garage office, Angel claimed she was just excited to see a college friend in Lodi that evening.  Her father took the vague answer and shrugged,  just reminding her to be safe and keep her phone charged. Angel had no idea how she managed to get them to not have someone go with her, but she knew better than to test fate. 

By quitting time, Angel was rushing home to get ready before she could be stopped or distracted by anyone.  It was times like this that Angel wished Precious was still around. She wasn't sure What to wear. What do you even wear to a non date- but kind of a date-situation? Angel groaned and grabbed her phone. She let it ring and sighed in relief at the familiar voice.

"Dollface! miss your Johnny-boy that much you couldn't wait for our chat time tomorrow?"

Angel rummaged through her closet and groaned. “I need help. Remember my ex I told you about - the first one? Well he asked me on a non-date-but getting dinner tonight and I don’t know what to wear. Help?” she whined out and pouted. 

Johnny laughed and Angel could hear him moving about, laughter and groaning, and then a door closing. 

“I’m not interrupting anything am I?”

“Nah, just a couple people over to watch some movies. You know I’d ditch anyone and anything for you Dollface. Now, I vaguely remember. This was the dude who was a bitch when he left and essentially led you into the arms of your now army-lover-boy correct? And don’t roll your eyes at me! You know that I know when you do that, even over the phone and miles and miles away from me. Now tell me the options.”

Before Angel knew it, she was pulling into a brightly lit,  family-friendly franchised diner. Angel couldn't help but laugh when she realized why David had picked this place - the Sons would never be caught dead in this place and if they did somehow follow her, they would stick out like a sore thumb in the parking lot. Either way it gave her a chance to see if they followed her and adjust her plans. Angel couldn’t help the smile that made its way onto her face. She would have to thank David for thinking this through. 

She locked her car and smoothed out her skirt before making her way inside. The butterflies in her stomach hadn’t stopped and seemed to be going crazier. Angel stopped once inside the door and looked around. Her heart dropped when she realized David wasn’t anywhere in the diner. “Am I early?” she thought as she grabbed her phone to look at the time. “Nope, I’m a bit early though...I wonder where he is..”

A young waitress made her way over and tapped Angel gently on the shoulder, “Miss Munson? Please follow me, your guest is waiting for you over here.” 

She led Angel to the furthest corner of the diner that was hidden behind a large cutout of the mascot. David was sitting in the booth, an arm resting over the back of his seat and the other holding his phone. Angel stood for a few moments and just took in the view. David had changed over the years, he was more filled out from when they were younger, his jaw more square and sporting stubble. Angel took in his attire, blue jeans, cowboy boots, and a short sleeve blue button-up shirt. 

Angel cleared her throat and smiled once David finally took notice of her. He looked up so quickly and stared at Angel, as he dropped his phone to the table, scrambling to quickly get up and greet her. “Sorry, was just letting Unser know I wasn’t in town...in case he needed me or something. You look, wow. Angel, you look great.”

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It didn’t take David and Angel too long of time  before they realized they were back to being nearly inseparable. Angel would spend many of her nights at his apartment,  where they cooked dinner and watched movies together. It was nice to be with him again and she prayed that they could maintain this for a while longer. Angel hated that she kept their relationship a secret but she knew it was for the best. David understood. Angel could tell it was hard for him to not say anything to others but he was willing to do it for their chance to be together again.

Like most other nights, Angel was curled on the couch in David’s apartment with some random show playing in the background as she read through one of the many books she left there. David had given her a key to the apartment early on and she’d often go over, even when he wasn’t home. This was one of those occasions. She knew he would be home later than normal but that didn’t phase her. She just didn’t want to go back to the house and deal with arguing with Bobby for another day.

Things had been stressful since Angel had moved back to Charming. And even more so once she was spending more time at David’s. Angel was stuck living with her father for the time being and struggling to find a place of her own. Bobby kept treating her like a child again and always tried to keep close tabs on her. Even though she agreed to work at the garage for a while, Angel knew it couldn’t last much longer. She was tired of everyone “keeping an eye” on her there, and then trying to demand she tell them where she was going. Sneaking around with David had been hard. So far they had been lucky at keeping everything a secret. Angel often parked her car blocks away and just walked to his place, often changing where she walked to get to his place. 

The more she thought of it, the more Angel started to doubt if they could keep this up anymore. It was great to start over again but Angel knew it would have to end again. The book was quickly forgotten as Angel got lost in her thoughts. Would it get to the point that she’d have to pick between David and her family? If she stayed with David, how would that impact her living in Charming? She knew that it would be hard to stay in town and constantly run into her family. But if she let go of David, how would she deal with seeing him around town? Angel knew that if she picked the club - her family - that she would say goodbye to dating for the foreseeable future. 

Angel was so lost in thought that she didn’t hear the door of the apartment opening. Nor did she pay any attention to the figure behind her until the body was leaning close and arms were wrapping around her upper half.. Angel jumped and screamed, flinging her book and falling off the couch.

David froze as a large grin spread across his face. He watched as Angel scrambled on the floor and clutched her chest before narrowing her eyes at him. 

 “Welcome back to earth gorgeous.” David jumped over the couch and moved so he was hovering over her on the floor. “Was your trip to dreamland a good one?” He nuzzled his face against her neck, placing soft kisses. 

Angel grumbled and pinched his arm but closed her eyes and relished in the feeling of his lips against her skin. All David could do was laugh and press his lips to hers. 

Kissing was all they had done, which Angel loved. They had a long talk when they first started their arrangements and agreed to wait it out. There were still wounds that needed to heal and neither wanted to go further until those were cleaned up. 

"I'm sorry sir, but I hope you know you've broken into a cop's apartment.  I don't think he's gonna be too happy about that"

David grinned and raised a brow before grabbing her wrists and pushing them above her head.  "Is that so? Well, a little birdie might have told me he's far off being busy and he had something worth taking a look at." David nipped at her ear before nudging her face to the side, exposing the side of her neck, and grazed his teeth along the skin. 

The sharp edge of his teeth dragged across her skin and Angel closed her eyes once more, sighing out at the feeling. 

“Fuck,” Angel dragged out the word and wrapped her arms tightly around David’s center. The warmth and weight of his body were causing her brain to haze over. The feelings had been building up since they rekindled their once-relationship. This time, the added secrecy was doing something else and Angel wanted more. Digging her nails into the fabric of his shirt, Angel used the leverage to raise and grind her hips against him, hummin in pleasure as she felt David groan against her neck. "Please Davey, I need you."

David pulled back and sat on his haunches, his warm palms running down her sides anf pushing up her shirt. He watched Angel- his angel- writhe beneath him. Her eyes were closed and her bottom lip trapped between her teeth as she leaned into his touch. That one thing had always stuck in his mind during their time apart.  When they were teens, he could barely control himself when she'd look up at him with her big doe eyes and teeth biting down on her lip.  They were kids then.  Now he had another chance and he had his own place to hide her away and finally have his way with her. 

 "Shh, I know baby," he crooned before leaning over her again, "I'm right here.  Just gotta tell me what you want.” 

He watched more as Angel squirmed under him more. He held onto her thigh snaked around his hip and groaned when she thrust her pelvis up to grind against him. David trailed his eyes across her face, relishing in the pink flush spreading down towards her chest. He followed the flushed skin and stopped at her heaving chest. His jeans were so uncomfortable at the moment but he refused to do anything further unless she asked him for it. 

“Please baby,” he leaned down to press his lips to hers, “all you have to do is tell me. Anything you want, it’s yours. Just tell me baby.” 

Angel was surprised at the whine that burst past her lips. She kissed him back and gripped his shirt, tugging him even closer. “Please, bedroom. Need you so bad,” she murmured against his lips. 

David paused his movements and pulled back slowly. “Are you sure?” His hands rested on her hips. He swiped his tongue across his lower lip, waiting for Angel to answer him. Fuck he wanted her so badly. No, no. Not wanted. He needed her. 

“Yes. Davey, please.”

That was all he needed before he was lifting her into his arms and all but running towards his room, kicking the door behind him. IT didn’t take long to rid themselves of their clothes and fall back onto the bed. Angel ran her hands down his chest and stopped at his abs before wrapping her arms around his back and pulling him further down on top of her. “Davey, please don’t make me wait more.” 

David rested one of his hands on the side of her head and used the other to line himself up and push in slowly. He savored the moment of her walls squeezing around him. There was no way that David was going to rush this moment and did his best to keep his movements slow. 

As David’s thrusts gained a steady tempo, Angel brought her hands to his pecs, his nipples, down his abs, then clamped her legs around his waist to drive him further into her until their sweat-slick bodies slid together. With each thrust, Angel dug her nails deeper into his back. There were no words for how she felt, no way she could comprehend how her body felt so much on fire and the need for David to touch her more. She was so close. The strength of what was building was staggering. The feeling of his lips and scruff against her neck set her off and she let out a wail as she tightened around him more. 

She shuddered against him, her legs quaking, and when he finally slowed to look up at her, he saw her hair was a wild tumble, and her face was glowing. David stilled and just watched her come down from her orgasmic high. When she opened her eyes, he couldn’t help the smug smirk that crossed his face - her eyes were hazed over and the smile on her face was one he had wish to see so many times over the past years. The moment her eyes locked with his, David felt a lump catch in his throat. There were words he wanted to say, but he knew now wasn’t the time. 

“What’s wrong Davey?” 

Fuck, even her voice was wrecked. David shook his head and leaned down to press his lips to her. He started thrusting into her once more, lifting her leg higher up to his hip. He wanted to hear more of the sounds she was making as he thursted harder. David was determined to pull at least one more orgasm from her before letting himself go. 

The two laid on his bed, chest heaving as they tried to regain their senses. Angel curled into David and pulled the covers over them. She knew they should clean themselves up, but her mind and body were too tired. And David was so warm to curl against. They held each other and kissed softly as they refused to let the outside world break their bubble. 

They would have stayed in bed and continued their activities if it hadn’t been for Angel’s phone constantly ringing. She ignored each call that came though. Until the ringtone she assigned for Tig started blasting from the nightstand. 

“Ignore it, stay here... with me.” 

“I can’t. That’s Tig. If I don’t answer for him, the goon squad gets sent out to look for me. Plus something could be wrong with Bambi. Just give me a moment.”

Angel pushed the  hair from her face and steadied her breath before answering.  “Yeah, yeah. Sorry for not answering. Y’all caught me at a bad time and I wasn’t near my phone. Wait, slow down Tig! What...what do you mean?” Angel was jumping from the bed and scrambling to put her clothes on once again. 

David got up and started dressing; part of him was curious, the other part worried. Did something happen to Bambi? If it was Bambi, David knew he would go with Angel. To hell with what the club thought. 

“I-I’ll be right there!” Angel hung up the phone and froze in place. 

“Angel. What happened? Is Bambi ok?” David gently grabbed her chin and lifted her face to look him in the eyes. His heart clenched as he saw the tears welling up in her eyes. 

“It’s Opie. I gotta get to the clubhouse.” 

[crazycookiemaniac]

Omg why are you losing so many followers youve been drawing gay shit for forever??? (Or maybe i as a gay was just interpreting it that way)

Because I literally spammed people every day for one week lmao. And also, a lot of people follow others for specific content. The moment I stop drawing that exact thing they followed me for, they unfollow me. There are also accounts that follow just to make you follow them & if you don’t, they unfollow you after a while. There’s people who followed me for haikyuu & weren’t interested in BC content, and there were people who followed me for BC content but got showered in gay art instead and that was not their cuppa tea. 

But mostly, i start appearing on people’s feed the more I post. So having me post incessantly for one week made me show up on feeds that I hadn’t shown up for  a good while, so there were probably people who forgot they had followed me in the first place & me posting was a reminder to unfollow.

Truthfully, follower counts are dumb. Yes, it is important for you to have a high follower count for you to get attention, but the amount of people actually following you if you don’t have a consistent art style & rarely ever post something with different vibes than your usual ones, is equal or less than 1% of your total amount of following.

My instagram tells me I have 43k. I do not have 43k people following me. I’ve had 43k that once saw my account & pressed the follow button, but their feeds are filled up with other people’s accs that interest them more than mine (as well as my own feed does not show all the content of the 200+ something people I follow, unless I scroll down till the depths of hell to find every single post on that day and then do so on the next day as well).

Essentially, 95% of your followers are there because of content. They want to see what entertains them. Most of them don’t care about the artist and don’t interact with them at all. Many of them are scared to, given the high follower count. Social media & big accounts make people forget that there are other, real, living & breathing people that are behind them all.

So, to many, I was just a random artist they found and “lol”ed at one of my comics & pressed follow without thinking about it. Most of them don’t go to my account and see all other art I’ve posted to see if they actually like what I do, or me as a person and as an artist at all.

People who don’t know this get really discouraged when they don’t earn a lot of followers, or when they lose a lot (like I did). And some people think you gotta have hundreds of thousands to be famous. I’ve seen accs going around that paid for ads, that had over 150k followers and less than 1k likes on their posts.

Truly famous, loved, growing and/or steady accounts have an amount of likes per post proportional to their follower count. For example, if someone has 150k followers, most of their posts will vary from 20k to 100k likes.

When I was growing my account because I hopped in the fandom bandwagon and stupid little me didn’t know that would only make me crash later, I had like 20~30k and some of my posts reached more than 20k likes (because people liked my stupid comics). Nowadays, I’m not part of the fandom that made me grow anymore. I’m part of a very underrated one (Black Clover), as well a I am drawing a very underrated ship (LuGna) that above all else is getting hated on. I have everything against me in this, so it’s no wonder I lost so many followers.

They didn’t wanna see gay art. They didn’t wanna see Black Clover. They didn’t even know what the fuck was going on. Not everyone paid attention or kept up with my warnings. Despite me explaining multiple times in multiple posts what the Thunder Flames project was about, a lot of people still didn’t know what I was doing that for.

The thing about being a big follower count is that, unless you’re actually loved for what you do (and to do that, once again, I need to emphasize that you need to keep a steady rhythm, a steady vibe, a steady you. Because people follow you for your first impression on them, and you gotta keep up to that first impression if you wanna keep your followers.

I’m unsteady. One look at my gallery and you’ll see how disorganized everything is. Oh, lookit, a 1 min speedpaint of a random drawing I did on an old piece of paper! And right on the left there’s a stupid random comic I did–on the right there’s this super detailed, shaded drawing I’ve done that actually looks terrible to me and I will 100% archive it later, and then there’s B&W mixed with gray shaded, flat colored and fully shaded characters of different fandoms + OCs from commissions and whatever else. 

The thing is, I made my follower count based on a fandom, and now that I’m not there most of that follower count does not have me on their feed. And most of them do not want me on their feed. Now, I’m trying to build a follower count for who I am as an artist, because the few people who have actually stayed and followed me throughout the years know how inconsistent I am in terms of art style, fandoms and everything else.

A solution to this would me either keep creating/posting the same thing all over again (just in different patterns), or creating original content (which I do plan on doing at some point). But for now? Since my follower count does absolutely not reflect on how many people actually like me and/or my art, I’m going to be as chaotic as fucking ever and do whatever the fuck I want.

So yes, I do find it comical that I lost 1k followers over this and am not fazed in the very least, especially because I literally foreshadowed losing 1k and hit the fucking jackpot.

The only reason I’m talking about this at all is because 1- it’s impossible not to notice my follower count decreasing, especially because every new 1k I thank people publicly through stories; 2- some people were actually worried I was upset over it and I have to 3- show that I am not, while simultaneously trying to show people that just because you’re losing followers doesn’t mean you have to stop doing what you want to create content to please people. It doesn’t mean you should be upset, and it doesn’t mean that what you’re doing is bad or wrong.

It means you’re fucking renewing your followers & you’ll now grow for what you’re trying to grow for, bitch. That’s what it’s all about.

Obviously, people do take a great risk doing this. I am taking a great risk doing this. I could’ve lost 5k, I could’ve lost 10k. But I only lost 1k! And that’s because I believe in the project I worked on; I knew there were people out there who enjoyed what I was doing and it’s on them that I was focused on. On the people who supported me AND my art, not just that one single funny comic post I did 3 years ago.

This answer is 100% a lot longer than what you could’ve possibly expected for and I am typing this while being awake for more than 24h so I’m sure that I’ve repeated myself a lot and that there are a lotta typos or w/e and I apologize for that!! But I’m too lazy to go back to read everything over & turn this into a neat post & I’m pretty sure I could answer your question in the first paragraph.

Oh and also. Yes. Yes I have been drawing gay shit ever since I’ve become an artist because I’m so fucking pissed at the lack of canon gay content in a way that it’s depicted as a normal fucking romantic couple instead of having eeeeeeeeveryone point their finger to the gay couple and scream “HEY THAT’S GAY!!! THIS CAN’T BE PART OF THIS VERY HETEROSEXUAL SHOW WHERE EVERYONE IS OBVIOUSLY HETEROSEXUAL EVEN THOUGH NONE OF THE CHARACTERS HAVE EVER SAID THAT EXPLICITLY BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT THE CREATORS ARE EITHER HETEROSEXUAL OR TOO AFRAID TO LOSE AUDIENCE IF THEY TREAT GAY PEOPLE AS NORMAL PEOPLE!??!! WHAT SORT OF ABSURD NONSENSE IS THAT??!! GAY PEOPLE AREN’T NORMAL!! THEY’RE GAY AND THEY SHOULD HAVE A GAY SHOW JUST FOR THEM IF THEY WANNA GET SCREENTIME” and yadda yadda yadda.

I’m tired of this bullshit. Ever since I was an artist I’ve been rooting for gay ships in shonen manga while knowing they would never happen just because they were gay, and now that we are in our Blessed-By-Satan, Pandemic-Chaotic, What-The-Fuck-Is-Going-On, We-Don’t-Know-If-We-Wanna-Go-Back-Or-To-The-Future-Or-Just-IDK-Fucking-Die year 2020, in which the LGBT community is thriving and being louder than ever to fight for our rights, Me, in my twenty four years of fucking age, having gone through several fucking disappointments ONLY regarding this matter, am sitting here on my ass, hopeful as all galactic, glittery shit that for some fucking reason, my new OTP formed by very underrated characters from this very underrated franchise in the southern and western communities, becomes canon because my stupid eyes can see chemistry between them even though those stupid haters’ can’t. But that’s because they’re stupid and homophobic, and they really should just shut the fuck up. I don’t wanna dream, I want to believe. Let a bitch pray in peace.

But even if I’m getting ready for disappointment, I’m gonna make this project happen and I’m gonna have a shit ton of artbooks from this Thunder Flames project inside my fucking garage if no one wants to buy them. But I am going to invest a shit ton of money in it and I am going to have these artbooks come to life. Because I am spiteful and petty and homophobes should shut the fuck up, and I wanna do what I wanna do bc as an independent artist, I’m building my future with my own two, very toned and buff by now from all the drawing I did, hands. 

God fucking damn it.

Jesus christ I’m just rambling at this point, I’m so sorry. If anyone ever reads this out of context people are going to be so confused.

But that’s fine. They won’t. You know why? Cuz I got almost 11k followers here on tumblr but less than 0.5% gives a shit that I’m here, so I’m safe.

Have a nice day, drink your water and fuck homophobes. Peace

[cherryrogers]

bittersweet {5}

pairing: boxer!bucky x rogers!reader

warnings: some angst, mentions of illness + death, swearing.

synopsis: The world of boxing wasn’t something you knew much about, but after a certain boxer with blue eyes and an irresistible charm wove his way into your heart, you soon learned that it went far deeper than red gloves and gold medals — you thought that the boxer happening to be your brother’s best friend was bad enough, but darker affairs had only yet to come to light.

a/n: ok so the story is lowkey gonna take a turn with this chapter, but i’m excited! italics indicate a flashback, and if you’re confused with some of the things going on, that’s ok! all things will be explained with time :) ,,, anyway, please enjoy and feedback is always appreciated.

Series Masterlist

Daylight poured through the blinds, and a groan of discomfort escaped your lips as your eyes blinked open. Lazily, you reached over to pick your phone up from the beside table, groaning again to see that it was only nine o’clock.

You’d stayed up until at least one in the morning watching the first two Star Wars movies with Steve, shocked that he had never seen any of the franchise in his twenty three years of living. Towards the end, you could see him growing more and more tired on the other side of the couch until he was passed out before the end of the second movie. If he hadn’t have had training early in the morning, you would’ve swatted him awake to see the end, but instead you decided to save the last twenty minutes to watch another time.

Steve didn’t say anything else about the ‘mystery guy’ you were seeing either, which you were thankful for. The guilt was setting in yet again, knowing that Steve was completely unaware that the guy you were talking about was indeed Bucky Barnes, but you pushed it away just like you always did. You would tell him eventually, you made a promise to yourself. Especially since things were really looking up with Bucky, you imagined that it couldn’t be kept a secret for much longer.

After prying yourself out of bed, you tugged on the hoodie that was slung over the back of the chair next to your dresser. Written on the back of it was the name of some random sports team, and you guessed it was one of your brother’s hoodies that you’d stolen from him when you were younger.

With a long yawn, you left your bedroom and began to plod downstairs, the sweet scent of chocolate-chip pancakes filling your nose instantly. Steve usually had training the next morning whenever you stayed over, but that didn’t stop him from making sure you had a tasty breakfast to wake up to. He’d always been a good cook, just like your mother. It was definitely a nice change from the cereal bars you usually opted for before rushing off to class or work.

The sizzling of the pancakes wasn’t the only sound coming from the kitchen, however. There was talking, and it seemed like Steve wasn’t in the kitchen alone. You paused your movement on the stairs, curiously listening in on what you could catch from the conversation.

“So, he was just outside? Not doing anything?” You heard your brother ask.

“Yeah, one of the guys said he saw him. Seemed pretty sure it was Rumlow.”

The other voice was too familiar. Christ, did that mean that Bucky was in your kitchen?

“Shit,” Steve sighed. “He shouldn’t be around here, Buck. D’you think he wants something?”

“I don’t know, but you had a deal with him. If he’s back, that must mean...”

There was a silence between the men, and your brows knitted together in confusion. What ‘deal’ were they talking about? And who was Rumlow? What did it mean if he was back?

“Look, we shouldn’t jump to conclusions. We don’t even know if it was him for sure.”

“Steve,” Bucky pressed, a seriousness to his tone that you’d never heard before. “We can’t just sit around and hope that it wasn’t him. This could be dangerous—”

The sudden heavy slam of a cup on the counter made you jump, and your brother’s voice filled with frustration soon followed. “Well, what are we supposed to do? March down to his gym and ask him what his deal is?”

Bucky exhaled calmly. “No, of course not, but—”

“But nothing, Buck,” Steve interrupted, his voice quieter than before. “Look, I’ll cross this bridge with Rumlow when we get to it. My sister will be awake soon, and she can’t hear us talking about this.”

Well shit. There was an uncomfortable feeling in your chest; this guy — Rumlow — sounded like someone that neither Steve or Bucky were very fond of. He was outside of somewhere... and one of the ‘guys’ saw him. Assuming ‘guys’ meant another boxer at the gym... oh. Were they talking about that guy? The guy that you unfortunately bumped into the day before? The one that knew Steve?

Bucky must’ve told Steve and changed the fact that it was his sister that saw the guy outside, but why didn’t he tell you who he thought the guy was? And what was so dangerous about him?

Hearing the conversation come to a close, you took that as your cue to walk down the rest of the stairs and into the kitchen, causing both men to turn their attention towards you.

“Mornin’, kid,” Steve chirped, as if he wasn’t just having a heated conversation with his friend. He placed the final pancake from the pan onto the stack he’d already prepared before dousing them with golden syrup. “You hungry?”

“I could smell the pancakes from upstairs,” You moved over towards the counter, taking a seat on a stool next to Bucky and resisting the instinct to plant a kiss on his cheek. “Hi, J-Bucky.”

Bucky suppressed a smirk. “Hey, (Y/N).” The boxer glanced at Steve, who was in the process of putting the pancake ingredients away, his back facing the two of you. His eyes returned to you, nudging his shoe against your bare calf.

“You look cute.” He mouthed, eyeing you up and down, heart swelling slightly at the hoodie that was obviously Steve’s engulfing your body.

Biting back a smile, you mouthed back a playful ‘don’t I always?’ before directing your attention to your brother, who was placing the stack of pancakes in front of you.

“I’m just gonna grab my gym stuff from upstairs, then Bucky and I are heading out, is that alright?” The blond passed you a knife and fork as you gave him a nod, before pacing out of the room, his heavy footsteps on the staircase indicating to Bucky that it was safe to move his stool a little closer to yours.

There was still a level of discomfort in your chest; you were curious to know what they’d been discussing before you came into the kitchen and why you weren’t supposed to know about it. Bucky could sense your shift in demeanour as you clutched your knife and fork tightly, cutting a slice out of one of your pancakes and quickly bringing it to your mouth.

“You okay?” The boxer asked gingerly.

Swallowing the food, you hesitated for a moment. Pretending that you hadn’t heard their previous conversation wasn’t going to do you any good. Plus, if either Steve or Bucky was in some sort of danger, you hoped that Bucky would trust you enough to tell you what’s going on.

“Who’s...” You started, pausing your eating. “Who’s Rumlow?”

The soft smile that was comfortably sat on Bucky’s lips disappeared at the question. He could try to play dumb, pretend that he didn’t know what you were talking about. You weren’t stupid, though, and he respected you enough to not lie straight to your face.

His jaw clenched slightly. His name wasn’t something he ever wanted to hear in your voice. “How much did you hear?”

“Enough to know that the guy sounds like a problem.” You continued on eating, eyeing Bucky questioningly after a few moments of his silence.

He let out a sigh, rubbing his jaw in thought. “He’s not someone you need to worry about.”

The statement made you narrow your eyes the the man. “You and Steve seemed pretty worried about him.”

“Well, you don’t need to be,” Bucky retorted, immediately regretting his too-harsh tone when he noticed a flash of hurt in your eyes. He didn’t mean it like that, fuck, of course he didn’t. But the whole situation to do with Rumlow... it wasn’t someone he wanted you involved in. “I’m sorry, babydoll. I didn’t mean—”

“No, I think I know what you meant,” You interrupted, your tone too calm for Bucky’s liking. “If you don’t wanna tell me, then don’t. But if it was the other way around and I was in danger, you wouldn’t let me leave the room until I told you what was going on.”

Bucky tightened his jaw, contemplating your words. You’re weren’t wrong; if he overheard you saying that you could be in danger, then he wouldn’t rest until he knew what was going on. He trusted that you wouldn’t tell a soul about the deal with Rumlow — what he didn’t trust was that you wouldn’t try to take matters into your own hands. Sure, you liked to wear pretty skirts, and you had all the colourful stuffed animals Bucky had won you at the carnival on display in your bedroom, and heat flooded your cheeks whenever he’d call you an endearing pet name; but that didn’t mean you couldn’t hand someone’s ass to them if you wanted to. He was just afraid that you’d underestimate how dangerous Rumlow and his clan of assholes really were.

Soon enough, your brother had returned to the kitchen and was motioning for Bucky to get going. The blond ruffled your hair as he said goodbye, much to your annoyance, before pacing out of the front door, leaving his friend around thirty seconds to begin to sort things out with you.

“What time do your classes end today?”

“Six, why?”

The boxer raised his hand, moving his thumb to the corner of your mouth to wipe away the drop of syrup there, a small grin tugging at his lips. “I’ll pick you up, alright? We can talk about everything then.”

You couldn’t help but relax into Bucky’s touch, nodding gently. “Alright, I guess. I’ll see you then.”

“Good.” He rose from his seat, grabbing his gym bag from the floor. A light kiss was pressed to your forehead before Bucky rushed out after Steve, and you were soon left alone in the house, anxious and confused.

If you’d asked Steve the same thing, he would’ve immediately shrugged you off. There wasn’t any way in hell that your brother would tell you about something that could possibly put you in danger. While you appreciated his concern, it bothered you that he didn’t think you could handle the things about life that weren’t so easy. Maybe you weren’t a six foot boxer with biceps bigger than your own head, but you were smart. That’s what you liked about Bucky; he could see that you weren’t a naive nineteen year old. After watching your mom get sicker by the day and ultimately losing her, your skin had thickened. You weren’t oblivious to the evil in the world after experiencing it first hand, and you weren’t sure that there was a lot more that could hurt you after being told that you were going to lose your mom, and that there was nothing anyone could do about it.

You hadn’t heard Steve so stressed in a long time, however. Whatever was going on with Rumlow, it had your brother’s mind whirring with worry.

You guessed you’d just have to find out later.

* * *

Steve had been on edge all day.

His muscles were more tensed, palms more sweaty, lips staying in a straight line, a smile never pulling at them.

All because of him — Rumlow.

It was only a matter of time before he worked his way back into Steve’s life, the blond knew he’d come back. It was part of their deal, after all.

The bastard wanted something. What that was, Steve wasn’t sure of, but if he could make Rumlow disappear as fast as he showed up again, Steve was going to do what he had to to make that happen.

Scorching water ran down the boxer’s body, an attempt to distract his thoughts from the man he despised so much. There was nothing he could do at that moment in time, all he could do was wait for Rumlow to make his first move.

After getting changed and towel drying his hair, Steve wrapped up his training for the day and left the building, about to make a beeline for his car, until the outline of a figure in the dark caught his eye; a figure leaning against the lamppost just opposite the gym entrance. Wisps of smoke swirled amid the fresh air from the tip of the dark figure’s cigarette, the scent alone causing the hairs on the blond’s arms to stand up.

He could recognise the smell of that shitty brand of cigarettes anywhere, and he’d only ever known one person that smoked them.

The figure noticed Steve eyeing him cautiously, and a dark chuckle escaped from their chapped lips.

“Steve fuckin’ Rogers. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

The blond was reluctant to approach him, but Steve needed to know what this guy’s deal was.

“What the hell are you doin’ here, Rumlow?” A hard look spread across Steve’s face as he neared the brunet.

After taking one final puff from his cigarette, Rumlow flicked the stick to the ground and crushed it under his dirty boot. “Now, that’s no way to treat an old friend, is it?”

“Cut the shit, man.” Steve talked lowly, voice laced in anger. “What do you want?”

“You remember our deal, don’t you?” Rumlow crossed his arms over his chest. “Well, it’s time, Rogers. And the faster we get things done, the faster I’ll get outta your hair.”

Steve considered the man’s words. He’d been waiting a long time for Rumlow to finally give him an offer. An offer that would hopefully stop him from having to see Rumlow ever again. An offer that would cut all strings with him, and allow him to live without the weight of the deal on his shoulders.

Jaw clenched and eyes narrowed, Steve darted his gaze around the area, making sure nobody else would hear their conversation, that it was only him and Rumlow.

“Alright.” The blond’s eyes turned to pierce into Rumlow’s dark ones. “Tell me what you want.”

* * *

It had barely been five minutes since your class ended, but you weren’t surprised to already see Bucky’s car parked on the sidewalk in your direct line of sight outside of the building. He always arrived early when he picked you up, never wanting to leave you waiting alone for long.

It was one of the little things about Bucky that you wholeheartedly appreciated.

Throughout the class, Natasha had noticed that something was off with you. You had been repeatedly clicking your pen in the quiet room, earning yourself a number of unhappy looks from those sitting around you. If you ever got nervous, you never usually showed it - Natasha knew well enough to know your confidence was a trait that guys tended to be attracted to. However, she’d never seen you so out of it, especially not when you were simply sitting in class.

When she asked you if everything was okay, all you could offer her was the most reassuring nod you could muster up. Natasha was normally the person you’d talk to about everything, but you knew that you couldn’t even mention the situation with your brother and Rumlow to her. If even you weren’t supposed to be apart of the secret, then you weren’t about to drag your best friend into it to.

You told her you’d call her the next morning, and by that time you’ll had hopefully made up a bullshit excuse about being ‘tired’ or ‘stressed with work’.

For now, you just needed to talk to Bucky.

Quickly approaching his car, you climbed into the passenger seat, the warm air in the vehicle easing your anxiety a little.

Natasha wasn’t the only one who’d sensed your nervous demeanour; Bucky could see it clear as day from the way you were clenching and unclenching your fists and nibbling on your bottom lip. It pained him, really. You were never meant to know about Rumlow, you just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

And Bucky blames himself for that.

“I’m sorry.” He apologised suddenly, causing a furrow in your brows. Exhaling deeply, Bucky continued. “If I knew that Rumlow was making a reappearance around here, I wouldn’t have even let you-”

“Please don’t be sorry, James.” You shot him a pleading look, turning to face him as best as you could in the car seat. “It was just a shitty coincidence that I got off the bus at the same time he was stood outside of the gym. You can’t blame yourself for something you don’t have control over, so please don’t try to.”

Bucky wanted to argue with you; explain that you were at the gym for him, and that you wouldn’t have even ran into Rumlow if he didn’t invite you down to the gym once a week. But he knew you were stubborn, and that you wouldn’t back down until his ass stopped apologising.

So with a sigh, the boxer nodded and began the explanation that he’d been dreading all day, adjusting nervously in his seat.

“His full name is Brock Rumlow. Like he told you, he trains at a boxing gym across town. They compete in professional matches like every other place, our guys box against theirs from time to time.” Bucky’s eyes hesitantly meet yours. “But they’re more than just another boxing gym in New York. They’re... they’re part of a business - an illegal fighting ring. It’s nothing like boxing; it’s violent, brutal fighting where both guys barely make it out of a match alive. They have guys flown over from different gyms around the country, have them knock the shit out of each other while they egg ‘em on, and the champion... wins.”

You began nibbling harder on your bottom lip. “Wins what?”

“Well, they don’t care much about trophies and titles outside of boxing matches.” His voice wavered the smallest bit, as if even just thinking about his next words was difficult. “Stupid amounts of cash, drugs, girls, guns - it’s a dirty business, made up of some of the cruelest bastards on the planet.”

Though you hadn’t noticed it yourself, Bucky instantly recognised discomfort wash over your features. One of his hands came to rest just above your knee, his thumb grazing over the skin soothingly.

A number of thoughts and emotions had emerged inside of you as Bucky spoke; worry, sadness, rage. Trading off objects like money and drugs was one thing, but girls? Making them the prize of a fight and selling them to groups of men like they weren’t people?

The fact you’d spoken to Brock Rumlow himself for only two minutes made you uneasy. He’d had his hand on your arm; a hand that had probably inflicted great pain on others and accepted the cash for it like the sick son of a bitch he is.

“And Steve?” You hated how quiet your voice was, but it didn’t matter around Bucky. “Where does he tie into all of this?”

“I can’t tell you.”

You were about to object, but Bucky was faster than you when he intervened. “It isn’t common knowledge that that gym is full of criminals; if you know something, you’re a threat to them, and they don’t take too kindly to threats.”

The boxer moved his hand from your thigh to your own hand, interlinking it with his. His eyes locked with yours, and you weren’t sure you could pull your gaze away if you tried.

“(Y/N), I need you to understand how dangerous they are. The less you know, the safer you are. When this is all over, I’ll... I’ll talk to Steve; he should be the one to tell you everything else, his side of things.”

Bucky had seen Brock Rumlow destroy lives before. One of the boxers at his gym - Pietro Maximoff - had originally been part of Rumlow’s gym, just wanting to train and compete in matches one day like every other boxer. He eventually got sucked into the ring when the guy’s decided he was strong enough to fight in their matches. According to the man behind it all at Rumlow’s gym, Alexander Pierce, Pietro was one of the best fighters they had. So when Pietro rightfully wanted out after being subjected to bloody, agonising fights and watching as they exploited vulnerable women left and right, they weren’t planning on letting him go so easily.

They threatened him; they swore they’d find his sister and sell her off as a prize if he left. Pietro wouldn’t let them get the chance, however. He made sure his sister, Wanda, left the country and never came back. Made her change her identity and start a whole new life without him to make sure she was safe when Pietro inevitably left Rumlow’s gym.

Contacting the police was only a waste of time. He’d seen enough police officers come in and out of the gym, inspecting the place to see if they needed to launch an investigation into the ‘fighting ring’ they’d been rumoured to be running. Alexander Pierce wasn’t stupid, though. All records of contact with other gyms were erased regularly, girls were kept in private locations, illegally-won cash was laundered in places all over town...

To most of New York, they were just another boxing gym.

Luckily, they hadn’t ever found Wanda, but Pietro still had to live knowing he was an enemy to Rumlow, and that he’d probably never see his sister again for as long as she needed to be protected from him.

Bucky wasn’t going to let that happen to you. He’d help Steve hold up his end of the deal no matter what it was if it meant keeping Rumlow away.

“Can you take me home, please?” Bucky’s head snapped up at your hushed voice, your eyes no longer meeting his anymore.

He knew it must’ve been a lot to take in for you, but he didn’t want you to feel scared or unsafe; not with him. “Steve’s gonna be fine, you know.”

You scoffed quietly, your hand in his loosening. “He’s somehow involved with an illegal fighting ring that traffics guns and girls; how can you tell me that he’s gonna be fine?”

“Cause he’s Steve. He’s as tough as nails, you more than anyone know that.”

He was right, you did know that. You’d seen his strength with your own eyes more than enough times.

Only minutes had passed since the worst happened, the worst being losing one of the two people you loved most in this world. You could still hear the heart monitor slowing to a long, agonising beep. Your brother’s hands on your arms, pulling you away from the hospital bed with ease as any remaining energy you had left in your body drained out of you.

Steve had went to get you some water, while you were left to sit alone on one of the hard plastic chairs outside of the hospital room. Tears threatened to spill, to trickle freely down your cheeks. But you didn’t want to cry. You didn’t want to sit alone and sob until you couldn’t breathe - you didn’t want to be sad because your mother wouldn’t have wanted you to be.

You didn’t want her to think that you were weak.

A figure sat down in the seat next to you, the scent of a familiar cologne making it obvious who it was. The cup of water in his hand was offered out to you, and you took it shakily. The cubes of ice peaking above the water and poking your lips weren’t nearly as cold as the iciness you felt in your heart.

Uncomfortable pain rose in your chest as you repressed the release of a sob. Steve could see the discomfort in your features, and didn’t hesitate to wrap a strong arm around your shoulders as you instinctively leaned into him.

“It’s okay to cry, kid.” He spoke lowly into the hair that had fallen in front of your face, shielding your tear glazed eyes from him. You shook your head immediately in disagreement, chewing roughly on your bottom lip in attempt to stop it from quivering.

“Don’t wanna cry.” You mustered out, the sob becoming harder to hold back. “Sh-she said that I have to be strong. Can’t c-cry.”

The blond exhaled slowly, tucking your hair behind your ear, making your eyes flick up to his. A crease was evident between his brows, frown lines faint on the corners of his mouth, jaw tensed. He was hurting just as much as you, you could feel it. “Strength isn’t suppressing your emotions, (Y/N). It’s accepting them, and learning how to cope with them so that you can carry on with life. That’s what she wants, kid; for you to keep moving forward.”

Your eyes drifted up to the cream door of the hospital room, blurry silhouettes of nurses moving around through the thin slate of glass. Honestly, you had zero clue whatsoever about how you were going to keep moving forward. This was your mom, your best friend, your rock through everything. You were sure it was going to be next to impossible.

But you wanted to be strong for her, to keep moving forward for her. And for Steve, because if the two of them believed you could keep going, then perhaps you really could.

A hot tear rolled down your cheek, and you didn’t reach up to wipe it away. You let it fall until another followed, and then another, and within seconds you finally let out a choked sob.

Steve’s arm tightened around your shoulders as you buried your face into his chest, all sounds around you being drowned out as you bawled your heart out.

“S’alright, kid. Let it all out.”

You truly looked up to your brother, in that moment more than ever. He was hurting so incredibly much, yet he didn’t let it show as you sobbed into his shirt. It occurred to you then that he was strong, probably stronger than you’d ever be.

And that was okay, because if it weren’t for him, you wouldn’t have known how to be strong at all.

The ride back to your apartment was silent, but comfortable. On your part, anyway. You could sense that Bucky was worried he’d completely unnerved you by telling you about Rumlow.

So when he pulled up outside of your building, you immediately undid your seatbelt and leaned across the center console of the car, pressing your lips to his needily. Needing to reassure him that you were okay, and that you were going to be okay.

The boxer reacted after a second, eventually bringing a hand to your face and cupping it gently. The kiss wasn’t heated in any way, but it was still filled with passion. With meaning.

“I’m not gonna let anything happen,” Bucky stated hurriedly after your lips parted. “To Steve, or to you.”

“I believe you, Bucky.” Bucky. He’d noticed you only called him that in the softer moments you shared, like when you’d first mentioned your mom to him, and when you were a little shaken from meeting Rumlow. He liked that it was more than just a nickname to you, like a term of endearment. “Steve and I will be okay, we always are.”

Bucky’s hand dropped from your face as you leaned back, beginning to leave the car.

“Call me tomorrow, okay?” You spoke softly, and the boxer nodded with a lazy smile on his lips, like a teenage boy talking to his high school crush. Jesus, he was done for.

“Course.” He reluctantly watched you step out of the car, not wanting you to leave him just yet. But it was late, and he was sure you wanted time to think about everything.

Before you closed the door, you leaned down to look at Bucky through the gap. “Goodnight, James.”

The man was sure that there were stars in his eyes as he gazed at you. “Goodnight, gorgeous.”

You shook your head at the pet name, ignoring the heat rushing to your cheeks. With a shy wave, you shut the door and walked up to your apartment building.

Though those last few moments with you for the night had Bucky’s heart melting with adoration for you, he couldn’t help but still feel doubtful, nervous.

Bucky wasn’t a liar. He wasn’t lying when he said that he wouldn’t let anything happen to you or Steve.

Because if something did happen, he wouldn’t be sure how to live with himself.

* * *

Taglist:

@asgcrds @fiannaofficial @peterparkerbabyyy @bxrnsfeyson

[soyouareandrewdobson]

Doing something for fun: RPGs about broken anuses.

As promised, after the abomination that was the Sam arc, I am now going to write random posts about more positive/fun things. However, I also decided to add a little twist to them and correlate them in some way thematically to Dobson. E.g. by reviewing a game/show that does all the things Dobson hates/obsesses about/or fails at right.

 And my first entry in that regard is related to a videogame that came out a couple of years ago, based on a tv show Dobson claims to hate. South Park: The fractured but whole.

 Seeing how the game is 3+ years old at this time and there have been tons of reviews & walkthroughs showing how good and fun the game is, I do not really want to cover the plot and all the things that make it great in detail. Lets just say you can really feel that Parker and Stone were heavily involved in the writing of the game, as it is filled to the brim with references to the show and the typical satirical humor of it, that in parts manages to cross the line even further for me than the show. Right from the start you get a very dark but smart social joke and commentary out of the way, when as you set up your characters looks and the difficulty of the game, it is the tone of your skin that decides how hard the game gets. Meaning if you play as a black person, you are having a very hard time. It is not too preachy, just an acknowledgment that yes, in American society, blacks can have it harder compared to white people. Especially when living in a town like South Park, where social standing is pretty low and the police force is inherently corrupt and racist, doing something so outrageously to black people, I do not want to spoil it. Let’s just say it ends in a better Lovecraft joke than any of the shit SJWs did in light of censoring Call of Cthulhu board rpgs.

The overall plot is simple: While last time the kids played fantasy and things escalated quickly as they do in South Park, this time they play superheroes, with two fractions having formed: Coon and Friends vs the Freedom Pals and things escalating just as quickly. What starts off as the hunt for a missing cat to earn a 100$ reward Cartman wants to use to start a multi billion dollar movie franchise just like Marvel, turns soon into the player and his friends having to fight a real crime conspiracy thought up by one of South Park’s most nefarious characters, which also involves genetic mutations, time travel and eldritch horrors. Thankfully you, the “New Kid” from the last game, even after losing all your previous powers thanks to no one playing fantasy anymore, gain new superhero powers, make friends with the South Park kids again and even learn new fart techniques by none other than Morgan Freeman, that help you out along the way. All while also slowly revealing more about your backstory hinted on in the previous game and the tragedy of your dad having had intercourse with your mother.

 Being a South Park and RPG fan for years, I wanted to play this game for quite some time, but only managed to do so recently. And even if I spoiled myself massively over time with cutscenes and major battles online, this game is still fun (thanks in part also to the fact I watched the cutscenes years ago and by now forgot a lot of them).  The turn based battle system is way more interesting than last time by also depending on you positioning the characters on the field in a strategy based RPG style, there are lots of classes to choose and powers to combine (I myself going for elementalist, assassin, plantmancer and blaster currently) and you have a ton of allies in the game. The original cast of the four main boys, Jimmy and Butters has expanded significantly in this game with characters such as SUPER CRAIG, Clyde as the blood sucking MOSQUITO, Token as TUPPERWARE and Wendy as the social media huntress CALL GIRL (yes, that is her name) and they all are fun to interact and play with, with each one having their own unique sets of moves and finishers once again. Even outside of the battle, thanks to the writing, there are always great lines from them to get when interacting or taking missions from them. I especially came to love Tweek and Craig, who are not just decent fighters (Tweek in particular is a great elementalist) , but in this game are also now a couple ever since that yaoi episode from South Park. Helping them reconcile after a bad break up over the course of the game just feels surprisingly nice, mostly because unlike other LGBT celebrating media out there (Korra and She Ra  e.g.) none of the characters crosses some sort of moral line where you question why they deserve to be together (Hello, Catra), it is not heavily handed garbage fishing for brownie points and it is obvious through dialogue and actions they care for each other, even if they are at first going through a bad break up as only South Park could ridiculously portray it.

 Overall, the game is also surprisingly “inclusive” and socially relevant without being preachy about it, if you ask me. From the aforementioned skin color thing, to LGBT representation via Tweek and Craig, the police being involved in a plot that especially nowadays is sadly more relevant than ever (mind you, I do not believe that in real life all cops are bad, but in my opinion bad eggs on both sides certainly led to the current situation in the US and that is all I say) to the fact you can over the course of the game decide not just if you are playing as a boy or a girl, but even something in-between, a cis-/transgendered person and decide your race, religion as well as to whom you are sexually attracted to. Granted, I barely see how it has any bearing on the game’s plot, but I appreciate the following things: a) the inclusion of the possibility to decide on those factors itself, making creating your character even more fun (a basic right others demand for certain games nowadays in all the wrong ways) and b) that the game does not make the biggest of deals about it. See, I am under the impression that often times the most progressive and inclusive thing is to just let the story and personality of a character speak for itself, instead of the fact that it also identifies by a specific gender, sexuality, race or other allignment. In fact focusing on those things on a character only is something I consider ”positive stereotyping”, which for me is just racism in the opposite direction. And if you no think I am going off track here and need to be beaten up by someone who genuinely has some grip on pc culture, don’t worry. This game features PC Principal actually doing an ok job teaching you about microaggressions in his typical PC Principal manner, which in itself becomes a relevant move in future battles and is hilarious to watch. Speaking of the new kid, putting things like your chance to gender identify yourself with it in more detail (which you can also adjust again later on in game if you feel like it) aside, for a silent protagonist he/she/it can have a nice level of debt to it, if you look too much into it.

 Not only does it have a funny backstory explaining its fart and social media powers, there are recurring scenes of the kid’s parents being on each others throat and the kid just silently eating dinner for the night that genuinely feel sad and create sympathy in our little FartLord to the point you just want the kid to go out there, have an adventure and hopefully find a way to change its parents for good, cause it is obvious they love the kiddo, but damn do they need to cut off the substance abuse.

 Storywise you get something out of this game that is way more entertaining and hilarious than the last two seasons of the show combined (FUCK the season of 2019) and game content wise you are also rewarded with a lot of shit, just for exploring the town. Be it you finding hidden yaoi fanart that earns you money, your allies helping you solve puzzles that reward you with exp and new costumes to further customize your outfit, making new friends on Coonstagram by taking selfies with all the major and minor characters of the town, helping Big Gay Al finding his missing cats, stumbling upon Memberberries, forging new artifacts to increase your strength, finding summons… all stuff that helps you not just gain exp and become stronger, but also makes you enjoy going through South Park outside of the main story content. In fact I spend a majority of my first twelve hours in this game only wrapping up the prologue missions and first two chapter of the game, while otherwise talking with as many people in town as possible, exploring the stores and houses, doing side missions etc. just for the fun of interacting with the characters and the world they are part of.

 Now, how does all of that relate to Dobson?

Well lets see…

 Game based on something he hates that has however rightfully more success than he ever deserves, with lots of political commentary and satire for years in its humor? Check.

 Game itself having more of that commentary done right then Dobson in his own comics and story attempts? Check

 LGBT representation via Tweek and Craig as well as Big Gay Al that does not feel too stereotypical despite Al himself being extremely stereotypical in design? Check

 Some pretty decent/hilarious female characters in the game once you know them? (again, Call Girl and Classi, who fucks the L out of the A-S-S) Check.

 Being a style of game he hates for no apparent reason, but executed well (RPGs)? Check

 Thematically focused on superheroes, a trend he is obsessed about, but here both appreciating while also poking good fun at common tropes of it and the marketing of the MCU, in doing so just highlighting how much of a mindless consumer Dobson is? Check

 Being a game where you can also play as any gender and race and its not turned into a “groundbreaking” industry changing feature pandering to minorities that in the eyes of corporations are just a market to exploit, not people? Check

 Heck, if Dobson was not a biased idiot, the game would be perfect for him. It even panders to his toilet fetish in videogames.

 Kid you not: a mini game in the game itself features the possibility to go to every toilet in town and shit in it. The process of defecation itself being a rhythm game and you earning exp from it once you took enough dumps. And considering Dobson once spend hours in Skyrim looking for outhouses, that sounds right up Dobson’s back alley.

 Bottom line, this game is fun. If you like South Park, superheroes and RPGs, this game is perfect for you. And seeing how it has been a few years since it came out, I think it should be possible to get a cheap copy of it somewhere. Go on, play it. But always remember: Never fart on another dude’s balls. It is just not the polite thing to do.

[killscreencinema]

The Last of Us Part II (PlayStation 4)

When this game came out in June, I could care less.  I enjoyed the first game well enough, but here’s the thing with Naughty Dog - once you’ve played one game in a franchise, you kind of know what to expect from that point forward.  I really enjoyed Uncharted:  Drake’s Fortune, but damned if I remember any other game in the series, as they’re all so similar they kind of blend in with each other (although I will admit Uncharted 4 was a little more stand out).  My brother bought the game and offered to let me borrow it while he was out of town for two weeks, so I figured... what the hell.  Why not? 

The Last of Us was a neat Naughty Dog take on the exhausted zombie genre, with compelling characters and decent, if extremely repetitive, gameplay.  With the previous sentence, I could just say I also reviewed The Last of Us Part II, and just wrap things up here, but I won’t do that to ya.

SPOILER WARNING!

TLOU 2 picks up about five years after the events of the first game, with Ellie and Joel both living peacefully in a bucolic town called Jackson.  Their peace is shattered when a mysterious girl named Abby abducts and murders Joel to get revenge for his mass murder fest in the last game’s climax.  Consumed by vengeance, Ellie follows Abby’s trail to the decaying metropolis of Seattle, where feuding factions are about to explode into all out war. 

So two things I want to cover about the story:

1.) Before the game’s release, there was a lot of manufactured outrage over the game being some kind of “SJW” vehicle.  This came about after the reveal in one of the trailers that Ellie is a lesbian (although Ellie’s sexual preference was already revealed in DLC for the first game).  When people start losing their minds over shit like this, and start throwing terms like “SJW” around, I immediately dismiss is hysterical nonsense.  While, yes, there are certainly media out there that shamelessly panders to minorities or the LGBTQ community more as a form of marketing than inclusion, I still support representation, even if its terrible and obvious exploitation. 

That being said... none of that is at play in this game.  Yes, Ellie is a lesbian, but other than an implied sex scene and a little PDA, the game isn’t “shoving it in your face” any more than the cis heterosexual relationship between Abby and Owen later in the game.  Ellie’s sexuality isn’t part of the plot whatsoever, beyond very mild unresolved tension between herself, Dina (her GF), and Dina’s ex-boyfriend Jessie.  Even then, it’s not a big deal.  There’s maybe one scene where Ellie and Dina are hassled by a bigot, and yes it feels a little hamfisted, but it’s hardly enough to condemn the game as an SJW Clap Trap.  So fuck all that noise.

Besides, being a lesbian is minor compared to the fact that...

2.) ...Ellie is a goddamned monster.  Granted, she was raised in a violent world full of *actual* monsters, but the way Ellie cuts a bloody swath through Seattle, murdering men, women, and dogs alike, is deeply unsettling, and made all the more so because the game *forces* the player to do it.  There are even moments in the game when you disarm an enemy and they beg for mercy, but the only option is viciously murder them anyway or, if you grant them mercy, they attack you anyway.  It would have been nice if, for those moments, you could just knock them out or something.  Ellie doesn’t even attempt to open a dialogue with the opposition ever - it’s just kill kill kill.

This becomes all the more onerous once the game switches perspectives and you play as Abby, where you get to see that the people Ellie is butchering aren’t the psychos she’s convinced herself they are.  They are, n fact, not much different from the community in Jackson, albeit more militaristic.  Abby’s motivations for killing Joel are 100-percent justified, not only on a personal level (because he killed her father), but because Joel’s actions fucking doomed mankind.  Although, Abby didn’t have to go about it so cruelly, torturing Joel before finally murdering him while making Ellie watch.  That was shitty.  Nevertheless, once the game goes out of its way to show you the other side of the coin, even going so far as to make you FIGHT Ellie in a penultimate “boss battle” of sorts, it’s extremely difficult to be sympathetic with Ellie’s psychopathic desire for revenge, especially in the final confrontation, when she INSISTS on fighting Abby to the death. 

Before this, Abby and her young surrogate brother Lev are captured by a vicious gang called the Rattlers while looking for a rumored Firefly enclave in Santa Barbara.  A couple months later, Ellie follows Abby’s trail to the Rattlers, and finds out, after freeing the Rattler’s other prisoners/slaves, Abby and Lev have been “sent to the polls” for attempting escape. 

So Abby has been tied to a poll, similar to a crucifixion, for several days and has obvious physical signs of starvation and extreme dehydration.  Lev, who is a child, is in just as bad or worse shape, so Abby’s immediate concern is to escape to safety and tend to their condition.  However, Ellie, who by this point is on the verge of bleeding to death due to a stab wound, is all like, “No, my bloodlust must be sated!  I must get revenge for my murderer father figure!”  This whole time, as I was fighting, I was screaming, “OH COME ON ELLIE!  THIS ISN’T EVEN A FAIR FIGHT, YA VICIOUS BITCH!”  This is all the more galling considering Abby showed mercy for both Ellie and Dina during their last confrontation, after beating Ellie into a bloody pulp, albeit reluctantly and only because Lev talked her down. 

I guess my point is, after that big, long, spoiler filled rant is I left the game never quite certain who to root for.  That might have been Naughty Dog’s intention, although I can’t help but feel they still expected gamers to ultimately side with Ellie.  I’ll give them credit though - the story is compelling enough that it got me yelling at my TV and that’s not nothing.

Gameplay wise, though, it’s exactly the same as the first Last of Us - you walk around dilapidated buildings, collecting supplies to upgrade your weapons and abilities, before occasionally fighting infected zombies or hostile humans.  The stealth elements feel a lot tighter, though, which made these action sequences more interesting for me as I like me some stealth.  The game even flirts with the concept of an open world sandbox, similar to that part in Uncharted 4 when you drive around the plains of Africa to look for bad guy outposts.  I wish The Last of Us Part II had gone all out with the open world gameplay, as it would have worked well considering the bulk of the story takes place in one location.  Also, scavenging would feel less tedious in an open world, as it would feel a little bit more like treasure hunting than scavenging (kinda like how you can scavenge random houses and bunkers in Far Cry 5). 

As it stands, The Last of Us Part II isn’t breaking any new ground, except for maybe impressive advancements in graphics and character model animation.  However, if you loved or even liked the first game, I think it’s fair to say you will enjoy this one as well.  If you hated TLOU, and Naughty Dog games in general, well, this ain’t gonna change your mind.

[everymovie2020]

Godzilla (2014)

Date watched: 1 September 2019

After the 10/10 banger that was Godzilla: King of the Monsters, I decided to revisit the “original” (in this series) Godzilla, which I have only seen one time before.  Ultimately it was a Sunday afternoon and I just wanted something brainless with a bunch of big, scary monsters knocking shit down and this movie really filled that hole in my life.  Also, it helped give some context to what was going on in G:KOTM because I was a bit confused.

Plot:

So the whole idea of this franchise is that there are these big monsters lying dormant under the surface of the earth, just waiting to burst forth and fuck shit up.

Except for Kong – he lives above ground.  He’s chill like that (and trapped on an island). Also, he doesn’t breathe fire or fly like so many of these other creatures do.

In this movie, some miners in the Philippines unleash these mootoos.   And look, I could google what the actual spelling is, but I think it’s funnier for the purpose of this review if I just refer to them as mootoos, like they’re some kind of giant cow creature.

So this one mootoo flits over to Japan where it sets up shop in a nuclear power plant and proceeds to chow down on radiation (they eat radiation.  I don’t really get it).  In the course of this, Bryan Cranston’s wife, Juliette Binoche, dies (they worked at the power plant) and he goes a bit nutso about it.  I mean, seeing your wife die a horrible death will do that to you, probably.

Fast forward some years into the future. Aaron Taylor-Johnson is SUPER HOT and the grown-up version of Bryan Cranston and Juliette Binoche’s son. He’s married to Elizabeth Olsen (Wanda and Pietro Maximoff, shacking up) and they have a kid who I’m pretty sure is one of the kids from It?  The one with the asthma inhaler?  I’ve definitely seen the kid from this movie in other subsequent movies.  Or TV shows.  He could be one of the kids in Single Parents.

Anyway, ATJ comes home from the navy, then has to immediately leave because Bryan Cranston is up to some fuckery in Japan and has been arrested.  So he goes over there, they break into their old town near the power plant that was mootoo’d, figure out some shady shit is going on, and then the mootoo chooses that exact moment to wake up and head off across the Pacific, not before killing a bunch of people and Bryan Cranston.

So ATJ catches a flight to Hawaii, trying to get back to San Francisco, and wouldn’t you bloody know it, that pesky mootoo has picked itself up a tasty snack in the form of a nuclear submarine (no word on any survivors, I’m guessing no – jfc so many people die in these movies) and is partaking in that tasty snack on Oahu in the mountains overlooking Waikiki.

Because of course.

There are thousands of islands in the Pacific, but it chooses the most populated.  Hollywood just wanted to see Oahu fucked up, I swear to god.  I mean sure it’s less cinematic if they follow the mootoo to some random island and nobody gets killed, but like, the civilian casualties, guys.  Think about the civilian casualties.

So ATJ is on a monorail to the airport (I don’t remember seeing that when I was in Hawaii, but then I didn’t transfer from the domestic to the international terminal), and this kid gets separated from his parents so ATJ is like, I’ll look after you lil’ bud, but then the army pissess off the mootoo enjoying its tasty snack, and it decides to fuck up the airport.  Specifically the airport where ATJ is currently located.

I swear to god, in this movie, ATJ is a harbinger of doom.

Meanwhile, over at Waikiki beach, who should roll in but ol’ Godzilla, bringing with him a tsunami because, of course?  Like I get that you’re a gigantic monster, Godzy, but can you cool it with the tsunamis?

Anyway, the Hilton Hawaiian Village gets fucked up guys, which is disappointing.  Actually, it’s weird watching this now and recognising landmarks?  I don’t think that’s ever happened for me before in a movie set in America.  I was watching it going, hey, I’ve been there!  Look, I was kind of hoping for a shot of Godzilla stomping on the Moana Surfrider (we did NOT like that hotel), but clearly the Hilton had some advertising in this movie because it was getting jacked up all over the place.

So we have a Godzilla/mootoo showdown in the middle of Waikiki, and then the mootoo buggers off and Godzilla is like “grr” “grumble grumble” “grrrrrrr” (insert various Godzilla noises here). And then, for reasons unknown to me, both the mootoo and Godzilla decide to head for San Francisco.

THERE ARE PARTS OF THE WESTERN SEABOARD WITHOUT MASSIVE CITIES ON THEM, YOU STUPID MONSTERS.  I mean, you’re having these fights in the middle of the cities, knocking buildings on each other, like, that’s got to hurt a bit.  I’m just thinking about the wellbeing of the monsters, that’s all.

Meanwhile in Nevada, the other mootoo (yeah there’s another one that can’t fly, is female, is laden with eggs and wants to fuck some shit up) barrels right through the Las Vegas strip because OF COURSE IT DOES, because there’s NO EMPTY DESERT OUT THERE OR ANYTHING.

I mean, I get it, but also at the same time… WHY DO THEY KEEP SOLELY FOCUSING ON FUCKING UP CITIES?

So ATJ gets involved with the army again, and they have this plan to lure the mootoos and Godzilla out to sea with nuclear warheads that they can eat.  But of course the mootoo gets wind of this plan, purely because it’s lurking around waiting for someone to give it a tasty, tasty nuclear warhead, thwarts the plan, steals the warhead and nicks off to San Francisco.

But don’t worry guys, because the military have figured out that Godzilla is actually a good guy.  All three monsters converge in San Francisco – a city they don’t evacuate, by the way, despite knowing the monsters are all headed there – and proceed to have an all-out brawl.  While this is going on, a hero bus driver saves a bunch of children before the Golden Gate bridge is annihilated, Elizabeth Olsen hides underground (don’t really know how she didn’t die, tbh) and ATJ skydives into the city with a group of army dudes to retrieve the nuke and continue with the plan of sending it out to sea.

Actually, the scenes when they’re parachuting in are really spectacular.

But all you really need to know is that our hero, Godzilla, takes out to the two mootoos, has a bit of a snoozle then heads back out to sea, on his merry way, to do whatever it is Godzilla’s do when they’re off the clock.

Other random thoughts:

It felt like this movie was very dark, because all the action happens at night.  I think the scenes in Las Vegas are the only destruction scenes that take place during daylight.

What does Godzilla EAT? He’s a big, rotund boi!

You know how they’re making Gozilla vs Kong, well… whose side am I supposed to be on?  Because they’re both good guys.

I’m probably on Kong’s side.  NGL.

And is ATJ going to be in that movie?  Fingers crossed

Look I just think he’s hot. It was nice to have a bit of eye candy.

[master-of-the-boot-blog]

Lars’ Cornhole Christmas Catastrophe

Author’s note: This story is graphic as fuck. It features Lars from Steven Universe being sexually assaulted by a homicidally insane vampire from the Hellsing franchise. Reader perversion is encouraged. 

Lars Barriga was jerking off when he heard his phone ring. Normally he would have ignored this because the porn video was getting to the good part, however this was Sadie’s ringtone and there was a very good chance that Sadie was going to be able to give him sex. So very reluctantly and with much anger, Lars took his hands away from squeezing his dick and answered his phone with sticky hands. “Yeah!” he said in a voice that was angrier than he meant it to be.

“Hey, Lars,” said Sadie Miller, Lars’s long suffering girlfriend. “I was wondering if you were good for tonight?”

Lars panted and took a drink from the energy drink next to his laptop. “Uh, yeah, sure I’m good,” he wiped the sweat from his brow and glanced at the paused image on the computer screen. He licked his lips and was nearly tempted to hang up on Sadie; but then he remembered that sex was better than five finger shuffle.

“Do you have any idea what I’m talking about?” Sadie sounded disappointed and miffed over the phone; more than she usually was.

“Uh, sure, I do,” Lars tried to bullshit his way through this conversation. “It was all about the . . . thing tonight. Okay what the hell was going on tonight?”

“I asked you if you’d come to Christmas dinner with me and my mom,” she said with her usual sense of trademark defeat and exhaustion. She became more hopeful for a moment, “Mom made your favourite, pizza rolls.”

Lars had a real dilemma. If Sadie’s mom was going to be home then there was a reduced chance she’d be comfortable enough to give him sex, but then again the prospect of pizza rolls was very tempting. “Uh, yeah sure I can try and be there, just make sure your mom doesn’t embarrass me.” He scratched the back of his neck.

“Yeah, fine,” said Sadie in a very resigned, defeated voice. She hung up and Lars was left nude and reminded about his throbbing boner. Frowning, the boy’s stretched ears flopped about as he sat back at the computer desk. On the computer was a video of a young, slender man being mercilessly pounded by a much larger, harrier man was paused in doggy style. The uncreative title of the video said everything; it wasn’t like Lars watched these things for the story.

Lars grinned as he began to start up the video again, his hands going back to squeezing his pickle. His pulse began to quicken and the climax of the video was nearing. He’d seen this video before; he knew where and how the money shot went. Still, there was a problem that was preventing Lars from enjoying his porn video.

The young man with stretched ears and stylized Mohawk hair glanced over at the picture of him and Sadie at last year’s Video Game Convention. It was one of their few happy moments, unmarred by couples fighting and a severe inability to communicate or express feelings in a healthy way. Lars knew that he’d fucked up, just forgetting his promise to Sadie like that. He knew that her mom was a big, loud, weird woman who embarrassed them both; but Sadie cared about her a lot. Lars wasn’t nearly kind or thoughtful enough to straight up apologize to Sadie and make it up to her; but he definitely could still show up and kind of save Christmas.

The young man shut the laptop. He would spank it to porn later; his boner was already dying from his conflicting and confusing teenager emotions. Throwing on his pants, coat and Jacket, Lars opted to go commando this cold December day in case Sadie gave him a blowjob or something.

Winter in Delmarva was crisp, clean and magical. Something in the air was sweet and the winter air felt invigorating. Lars of course hated everything about this day. The cold weather made his metal ear plugs freeze up and the shaved sides of his head were vulnerable to the freezing winds. He fucking hated winter and thought it was shit. Old man winter could suck on his uncut cock for all he cared.

It was halfway to Sadie’s house that Lars realized something. “Oh shit!” he cried in these empty streets on the night before the night before Christmas. “My charger!” He cried as he searched the pockets of his jacket and pants. The jacket, embroidered with the logo The Big Donut should have had his phone charger. He reacted with horror as he realized that the power bar on his phone was turning into a red sliver. He had to do something about this!  

Lucky for Lars, the Big Donut was halfway between his house and Sadie’s house. He could sprint over there, grab the phone charger from the office and be at the Miller house in time for Pizza rolls and a blowjob and/or hand-job.  

Deserted and cold were the best words for the old donut place. Part of a larger chain of donut places, there was something about the workplace that rubbed Lars the wrong way. He wasn’t sure what the hell it was, but it wasn’t going to fucking stop him. Looking at it a certain way, Lars figured he’d just run in and take what he needed; maybe even grab a few unsold donuts destined for the garbage bins. Frost coated the stairs leading up to the back door. Lars cried out as he nearly fell.  

Turning his employee key, he quickly disarmed the building alarm. He laughed as he locked the door behind him in the pitch black donut shop. He figured he had the cat in the bag when he slipped from the snow collected in the treads of his shoes. Screaming, Lars went down like a felled tree and banged his head against the floor.

He saw and felt no more . . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

Until—

Head head hurt like a mother fucker! “Oh Jesus Christ!” Lars shouted as he put a hand to the bump on his forehead. He groaned and swore. There was no way he could go to Sadie’s now. He’d be too embarrassed to be seen in public with such a big, angry, red lump on his head.  

Stumbling like a zombie, Lars shakily got to his feet. Groaning and cursing, he ambled over to the staff lounge. There it was, his phone charger Soon, no longer would he live in fear of the dreaded low red bar. There was something rotten in the state of Denmark. Or in the State of Delmarva. Or Delaware. Or whatever.  

Somebody was in the donut shop with Lars. He could hear them talking through the rusted metal door that led to the front area. Lars wasn’t sure who it could be, maybe burglars or homeless people; but he knew that the only way out was past that door.

Treading quietly, Lars didn’t want to alert the potential thieves. He could overhear what sounded like two of them arguing. “Come on Luke, you gotta let me fuck the bitch!” the first voice was nasal and reedy, like a crackhead.  

“Jan, you’re such a disgusting sack of shit,” said a more refined, erudite voice, “For starters I don’t want to see my brother on the job.  

Tiptoeing, Lars made his way towards the exit. His heart pounded and his palms grew sweaty. He was only a few steps away from leaving.

“Come on Luke!” begged this character, Jan, “The bitch is dead, she wont’ raise any noise! Nobody will know!”

The other one, Luke groaned, “I swear, this is why I bought you that flesh light. If you can just wait, we can head to Empire city and just grab a random tourist if it’s so bad for you.”

Lars was halfway through the mudroom when he felt a tickle in his sinuses and a sneeze that he couldn’t stop.  

Achoo!

And just like that, Lars’s perfect escape was fucked.

It was like a light switch, the two burglar/break in guys were on to him. The door to the front area opened up and Lars got a good look at two of the weirdest guys he’d ever seen. One man, dark skinned with multiple piercings looked at him with an evil expression. The other, pale and dressed all in white just frowned at him, while also carrying the dead body of the district manager for The Big Donut.  

Like a rabbit before a snake, Lars froze; his expression filled with horror as he started into the dead, cold eyes of Ms. Palahniuk. True she was always a cunt and a corporate tool, but seeing her limp and with multiple holes in her neck just did something to him.

The pale one, Luke narrowed his eyes at Lars. “So how much did you hear?” he spoke, drawing attention to the stream of blood running down his chin; as if he wasn’t holding a dead, pale body.

The darker one, Jan burst out into laughter, “Well fuck my ass and call me Britney! Spider just caught himself a fly, Zed!”  

Trying to speak for himself, Lars began to slowly back up. “I-uh-I swear I didn’t see anything. You guys were never here.”

He bumped into something and a strong arm held him around the waist. Jan yelled into his ear, as if he’d run across the room so fast that Lars’s eyes hadn’t been able to see it. “You got a nice little ass, nigga!” He laughed most unpleasantly, “Be a shame if somebody were to fuck you!” Jan laughed even louder, his breath reeking of rotting meta and fangs peeking from his upper jaw.  

Luke dropped the dead body of the district manager and zoomed in, too fast for the human eye. With one gloved hand he took Lars’s chin, who whimpered with fear as he stared into Luke’s red, inhuman eyes. “Well obviously we have a witness and we can’t let him but; but I think you’re onto something for once, Jan.”  

The dark skinned man whooped with glee, “Alright! We’ll double team this little bitch and then drink all his fucking blood!”

Luke blanched even more than he already did, his red eyes flashing with irritation. “Jan, that’s absolutely disgusting. There’s now way I’m sharing with you or risking touching your sloppy seconds. Hold him down so that I can go first.”

Lars began to cry as the gravity and horror of his situation began to sink in. “Please,” he whimpered, “I have a family, I have girlfriend. You don’t have to do this.”

Disdainfully, Luke slapped Lars across the face, earning howls of laughter from Jan and comments about slapping bitches. “We have to kill you to prevent the truth of vampires from coming out,” Luke pontificated, “However, taking out our frustrations on your still warm body is purely optional and you have nothing to offer us to change our minds.”

One of Jan’s rough, calloused hands caressed Lars’s neck; pinching him and feeling him up like a farmer picking out a suckling pig for supper. When Jan turned and licked over Lars’s major arteries, the boy shuddered as he felt like his soul wanted to leave his body from revulsion.

Once more the dark skinned vampire laughed, “Boy tastes like donuts! For fucking real, Luke! Whoa! It’ll be like fucking and eating a mega sugar maple sprinkle donut!”

His brother rolled his eyes, “Shut up, Jan, just hold him down so that I can fuck him. After that you can do whatever you want to him.”

There was no warning as Jan pushed Lars forward onto his face. As he tried to run away, he felt a boot come down onto the small of his back. Limbs thrashing, Lars was powerless against the inhuman power of the two vampires. Like a fly in a web, there was no escape for Lars; though this fate was infinitely more cruel.  

He shrieked when he felt a pair of rough hands grab his loose jeans and start to pull them down. Full on crying, the humiliation was more than he could bear. He bleat like a lamb at the slaughter, “No! No! Please!” One last attempt at seeking humanity in those who had none.  

He felt a cold breeze over his bottom and he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about what was going to happen next. For the first time since he was a little boy, Lars prayed to God and asked to be saved, the hot tears dripping down his face.

Somebody was listening.

“Do you boys like Rick and Morty?” asked a deep, musical voice that seemed to come from everywhere at once. Jan and Luke spun around, hissing and baring their fangs. In their ensuing panic, they let go of Lars, who began to crawl as best he could along the cold tile floor; one of of his hands frantically struggling to pull up his pants and cover himself best he could.  

Then he showed up.  

The cackling, maniacal, joker laughter preceded him as he entered the mortal plane. To Lars it looked like Slender Man’s mental cousin jumped out of the shadows to go completely ape shit on these vampire thugs.

His long, red coat billowed out behind him like bat wings, his long black hair moved like a living thing and his inhumanly long limbs were extended like a grabbing predator.

The newcomer didn’t waste time as he kicked Luke in the balls as hard as he could with his fine leather boots. He laughed like maniac possessed, spraying snot and saliva everywhere. His big, wide, red hat fell off as he punched Jan in the face; a dozen bloody teeth flying out of his mouth in a horizontal line.

The psycho stranger grinned from ear to ear, flashing not fangs but rows and rows of shark like teeth. Overfilled with glee, he grabbed Jan by the shirt collar and started pummelling him like he was starting a chainsaw without gas.

Luke charged at the inhumanly tall stranger with that vampire speed, but the newcomer was faster. His body dissolved into shadows and reformed behind Luke. Whooping and hollering, the man put Luke into a choke hold and began raining blows into the pale vampire’s torso.

Brass coloured claws sprouted from the tips of his white, mickey mouse gloves and he slashed across Jan’s face when he tried to defend his brother. Not pausing for once second, took a gigantic, hungry bite out of Luke’s head. Luke screamed in agony as the man in red ate part of his skull like a fucking apple.

It was like watching a train wreck, seeing bit of bone, blood and skull fly everywhere. Lars shivered and watched, even when he should have run like hell. Maybe it was because he knew that he’d never really outrun these two legged crimes against God.

Luke shrieked in violation as the tall, non-human shoved a finger into his brain and started feeling around. “How’s this, fuck-o!” he laughed as the pale vampire screamed for mercy.

Throwing Luke over him in a judo through, the man used his insanely long legs to lunge at Jan. Grabbing Jan’s crotch in a testicle popping grip, he just looked so damn pleased with himself. “There’s never been a vampire sexier than me!” he bellowed ecstatically. Thrusting his knee up, he hit Jan on the chin and sent him flying backwards into a wall.

The man in red pirouetted like a ballerina. “Thank you! Thank you!” he bowed and kissed to an invisible crowd that only he could see. Then with the flourish of a magician on stage, the man in red produced an unknown device from his jacket. Lars couldn’t tell what it was, except that it had a circuit board, part of a cell phone interface, it leaked oil and it was held together with electric tape and staples.

Making like a linebacker, the man charged forward and through a wall. Drywall dust flooded the area and its acrid, sooty taste made Lars choke and hack. He was so consumed by coughing a lung up that he didn’t see the man in red activate the detonator on his device and throw it into the donut fryer.

It was like the fourth of July as the incendiary bomb detonated inside a vat of fryer oil. The entire inside of the donut shop was sprayed with flaming canola oil. The blast of heat struck Lars like a fist and he stopped coughing long enough to realize that his sneakers were on fire.

He was luckier than Luke and Jan. The two vampire brothers screamed and writhed as the stood directly in the blast of weaponized kitchen oil. Each one twisted and thrashed, burning like dry christmas trees in July.

Lars kicked off his shoes and started to look for a path to the exit that didn’t involve walking through pools of flaming oil. Then to his utter surprise, the tall vampire in red went tearing out of the flames like a bat out of hell; his jacket and hair on fire and his face and shirt smeared with drywall dust. “You think this hurts? THIS hurts, sweetheart!” he bellowed hysterically as he started punching Luke and Jan.

The two vampire brothers screamed even louder as they were burned to death and beaten to a pulp at the same time. The red coated man’s gloves were blackened by fire and smeared with blood as his knuckles got the perfect workout.

“That is hurt, darling!” he cackled like an abusive boyfriend, punching Luke’s jaw right off. “That’s pain, schnookums!” he giggled as he punched a hole right through Jan’s chest and out his back.

“How’s this, son of mine?” he asked as he kicked Jan’s legs from under him. For a very brief moment, Jan thought that he’d found his long lost father right before the more powerful vampire stomped on his head like a teenager vandalizing a jack-o-lantern.

Lars didn’t stay to find out how it ended. It ended with him burning to death inside the big donut. He turned and ran, his feet blistering from the hot tile floor. He was almost at the exit when the man in red teleported right in front of him, stopping Lars from getting to safety.

He tried to say something to Lars, but all he did was mumble as he chewed on Luke’s severed head like a dog with a treat; blood and drool ran down his sooty, drywall dust coated chest. Lars screamed as the edges of the man’s jacket rose up like bat wings and wrapped around him.

The young boy of Philippine descent screamed as he woke to blackness one more time. “Mom! Dad!” he screamed, “Someone! Help!” he banged on whatever pitch black enclosure held him. Trembling hands went into his pocket, searching for his lighter.

A weak flickering flame cast light on Lars’s situation and it was getting darker by the minute. From what he could tell, having seen it in various movies and TV shows, he was in a coffin. Lars had been buried alive.

Panicking, Lars started to pound on the lid of the coffin. “Let me out! Someone, please let me out! I'm not dead!” he began to sob and cry uncontrollably.

Then like before, his prayers were answered, just not by God.

The coffin lid flew open and the bright, harsh light blinded Lars for a moment. In the time that it took his eyes to adjust he fluorescent light, he realized he’d been looking at the crazy vampire who accidentally saved his life and was now probably going to end it.

“Hey there,” he said in a not totally friendly voice, “We never got properly introduced last time. Alucard is the name and sexual pleasure is my game.” He flashed Lars what he thought was a winning smile but looked more like something out of a Sam Rami film.

Lars looked back up from the coffin, totally frozen; his trembling hand still holding his lighter.

Alucard cocked his head, “Well, aren’t you going to say anything back to me?”

“Get your junk out of my face!” Lars shouted at Alucard. It wasn’t just that he’d kidnapped Lars and held him against his will inside a fucking coffin, but he was half naked while doing it. In the harsh light, Lars could make out that Alucard was nude from the belt up. His hairy body was grotesquely muscular, with oversized pecs and shredded abs that wouldn’t have looked out of place in Dragonball Z.

Alucard shifted, his tight leather pants doing nothing to hide his boner and his erect pink nipples peeking through his carpet of chest hair. “So, what’s your problem?” he adjusted his stance so that standing over the coffin, Lars got a better look at his hard cock and his tight, muscular ass. These leather pants weren’t exactly comfortable but they did do a good job showing off the parts of the sexiest vampire alive.

Lars was appropriately disgusted by the view presented before him. Dropping his lighter he shouted up at the literal sexual predator, “I’m getting the fuck out of here!”

Like Harvey Weinstein on a catastrophic acid trip, Alucard had other plans. “Oh no, you don’t, mother fucker!”

Suddenly his white gloved hands were all over Lars like big, horny spiders. The boy thrashed, struggled and swore. After being manhandled, groped and forced out of his clothes like a disobedient puppy, Lars got a good look at what he was wearing and shrieked with horror.

Sitting in the open coffin, Lars was now wearing nothing but a pair of tight, tight pink panties with a sprig of mistletoe tied over his dick. Other than two nipple pasties shaped like hearts, Lars wasn’t wearing any other stitch of clothing anywhere on his body.

Alucard flashed that shark toothed grin once more, deliberately putting his hands on his hips and flexing his muscles. “Now that’s impressive!” he commended the terrified lad, “Look at you, nice firm ass, clean, hairless limbs and those cute floppy ears that are all the latest craze with young people these days.” He sucked in his breath like he’d been talking about a delicious slab of meat instead of a person, “Yes, you’re definitely a looker, son. While you’re here, you can just call me Uncle Touchy.”

Alucard guffawed at his own terrible joke, failing to notice the fear and confusion on Lars’s face. “Or if you like, you can call me daddy,” he winked at the boy, causing him to turn green with disgust. “Think about that the next time you see your father in the shower. Now come give Daddy Alucard a kiss, Larsy boy!”

Lars did the only sane thing and ran. He jumped out of the coffin and began to run through a spacious, well lit dungeon made of damp stone. There was a large wooden door with no obvious locking mechanism or door handles. Alucard scowled at this.

As Lars was about to reach the door to the dungeon, a freakish thing materialized out of the ether.

“I’m Puppet-Rebeca Sugar,” the thing said. Lars stopped and fell on his ass, mortified by the life sized creepy puppet that looked like it came out of Jim Henson’s worst nightmares.

Puppet-Rebeca looked at Lars with plastic eyes while lewdly feeling up her felt vagina. In her free foam hand, she clenched a large, rusty butcher knife.

Grabbing him with more strength than something made of foam rubber should be, Puppet-Rebeca stopped feeling up her crotch to grab Lars by the throat. “I’m going to butter your bread, honey. I’m going to sit on your face with my big Muppet ass.”

“That’s enough, Becky!” Alucard commanded. “You’ll get your taste only after I’m done with that sweet thing.”

Bowing to her dark master, the creature who’d summoned her from the fiery pits of hell, Puppet-Rebeca let Lars go and stepped back.

“I don’t want you!” Lars protested, trying to cover himself with his hands; the panties were starting to ride up a lot. “I don’t want either of you, I want to go home!”

Alucard laughed at the boy’s emotional anguish, “Why? So you can fuck that fat girl, Sadie? You’re better off without that pasty cumbucket. I swear, she looks like a blob fish with hair.”

“Sadie’s my girlfriend!” Lars shouted at Alucard, “Nobody gets to talk about her that way, I don’t care who you are or what you can do!”

The master vampire laughed, “Well Laramie, assuming I care what you think; stop and take a moment, take a deep breath. Your parents don’t give a damn about you, as of now they think you’re dead and they’ll have an easier go mourning a dead son than caring for a sack of shit like you. Sadie thinks your dead and I’d give her a day before she finds a new fuck toy. Everyone else in Beach City hates you and thinks you’re full of shit. The Cool Kids laughed at you and think you’re a douchebag; no matter how you spin it, I’m all you’ve got. I’m the only one who can tolerate a miserable cumrag like you and you should get on your damn knees and thank me for it.” He took his belt off and then gave a most lecherous grin, “How come here and show Daddy Alucard that big mouth and fast hands of yours.”

Lars pointed a skinny finger at the mad vampire, “You don’t get to touch me! I’m a person, not your boy and you’re not my daddy!”

The lad turned around and started banging on the wooden door as Puppet-Rebeca looked on with her ping pong ball eyes. He had to get out he had to get out he had to get . . .

===============================================================

Lars woke up in his own bed, naked and screamed. Trembling, he looked over his body and felt everything. He had no cuts, no bruises and nothing broken. Feeling over his ass and crotch; he felt whole and untouched.

The phone began to ring and he yelped. It was Sadie calling him. Looking over his phone, he glanced around and saw that his computer had the same porno video on as this morning; the same video of a twink being dominated by a hairy muscle man. It was all the same. Had he really been dreaming?

“Sadie!” he nearly shouted into the phone, answering the call.

His girlfriend winced on the other line, “Lars, what’s going on?”

“Sadie I was—actually it’s nothing,” he managed to slow down, “Uh, how are you? Are we good for dinner with your mom?”

“You remembered? I mean, of course you remembered,” she couldn’t hide her shock, “Yeah, my mom still wants you over for dinner. She even made pizza rolls.”

The boy could hardly contain his glee, “Yeah I love her fucking pizza rolls. I’ll be there!”

Sadie was taken aback. Normally she and Lars brought out the worst in each other, but this day, this day before day before Christmas day he was really giving her what she wanted. “Thanks for remembering, Lars. See you there, Player 2.”

“See you there, Player 1,” Lars said goodbye, showing his love in his own way. She hung up and Lars knew that there was no time. His phone was dying, running low on power but he had no interest in getting his charger from the Big Donut.

The first thing that Lars did was throw on some underwear before tossing on his customary tight jeans. Next came on his favourite scorpion T-shirt and sneakers. He was almost good to go; he just had to get his jacket.

Lars opened the closet and there he saw a tall man in red overcoat and big hat. Alucard grinned at Lars and threw a punch through the coat hangers.

The blow completely cleaned Lars’s clock, sending the boy flying backwards and slamming into the desk. Groggily, he spat out one of his front teeth. The head trauma meant that he really didn’t feel all the pain right away, but he felt the fear when Alucard’s twisted mug loomed large over him.

“Happy Christmas, cunt!” he jeered at Lars, picking up the boy by the front of his shirt and lifting him off the ground. “Did you have a good sleep? Any good dreams?”

Lars could only manage a numb shock, that this living nightmare—Cthulhu’s diarrhea in a human shaped bag—was very much real and not a figment of some fever dream.

“Well that’s nice,” Alucard sneered, “I’m happy to hear all of that from you.” Violently, he threw the boy onto the bed and pointed a long, clawed finger in his face. “Because I’ve got a message for you. This year you get a Mulligan from me, but next Christmas and every other Christmas until you die I will find you wherever you are and fuck your ass and face. If you’re eighty and living in a cave on Mars, I’ll find you and make your asshole look like a burrito filled with sour cream.”

The insane vampire lord trembled with rage and sexual energy as his hair and jacket floated around. “Don’t think of hiding from me, I have control over space and time. I have powers you can’t possibly imagine.” he turned and grabbed his junk, “So Happy Christmas, Laramie Bariga; next year I expect you to be waiting naked for me, bend over a table!”

He began to laugh like a hyena on crystal meth as his body dissolved into bats which then dissolved into shadow and fire. Just like that he was gone and Lars knew that he’d gotten a gift that was way worse than coal.

===========================================================================

Epilogue

Lars of the Stars slept in his Captain’s chair. Becoming an undead pink zombie was in hindsight one of the least shitty things to happen to him. If nothing else it gave him command of a group of ragtag rebels on the run from a totalitarian government and allowed him the chance to tool around the galaxy in a top of the line gem cruiser.

His calm time was interrupted by Steven Universe and his buddy Connie Maheswaran coming out of the portal in his hair. It was a pain in the ass but he honestly missed those two kids. He appreciated them way more than he had before his death.

“Hey, Steven! Connie!” Lars shouted, “Rhodonite figured out how to synthesize tequila, we can all drink and your parents won’t be able to stop you.”

Connie looked at him warily but Steven was just full of smiles. “Thanks Lars but Connie and me will do the responsible thing. We came here to drop off a care package from your parents and weapons from the Crystal Gems.”

Lars did a fist bump, “Sweet, little guys!”

Then a monitor started beeping, and the ship’s grandma caterpillar fusion, Fluorite announced the danger . . . very very slowly. “There’s a . . . ship approaching . . . our vector.”

On Screen appeared a gem who looked like she was Cosplaying for Code Geass. “Captain Lars! This time you will truly meet your end!”

Lars laughed haughtily at this enemy who’d dogged him across multiple galaxies. “Bring it on, Emerald. You can’t out-think me, you can’t out-fight me or out-drink me! You’d need the devil himself to beat me!” Admittedly all the anime he’d watched over the years was getting to his head.

And speak of the devil, a deep, music voice rang out behind Emerald. “Get out of my way!” snapped Alucard as he elbowed the fierce looking gem away. “Lars! Thought that travelling to another galaxy would save you from my wrath and my cock?” demanded the loopy vampire.

Steven looked at the insane vampire in his Carmen San Diego outfit, confused. “Lars, who is that guy?”

Alucard snapped, answering Steven’s question, “Who am I? Who am I! I’m the greatest vampire who ever lived! I’m the head pimp at Yellow Diamond’s personal Whorehouse; and it’s now my job to deliver Lars of the Queers to her Yellowness!”

He jabbed a finger while Lars stood speechless, honestly scared shitless even after all he’d grown and learned. “When I start, I’m going to fuck you until you love me! I’ll video tape the whole thing and send your parents a copy, along with a lock of your hair and a set of cum stained panties! Finally you’ll be albel to feel every night Yellow Diamond’s python sized tongue up your ass!”

“He’s the guy who molested me last Christmas,” Lars said, nearly on the verge of tears.

The tiny defective seer Padparadscha stepped in front of Lars, wrapping her tiny arms around him. “I’ve had a vision where Lars is threatened by a rapist. I will defend him with my life!”

Steven and Connie hugged Lars as well, “You fuck off, you two-faced mutant!” Connie yelled, “Go back to sparkling in the sun or whatever the fuck it is you do!”

Alucard’s eyes widened as he realized they went there, “You will all pay with your asses!” before Emerald punched him in the face and knocked him off camera.

“Stop stealing my spotlight, you fucking deviant!” Emerald snarled. She glared at Lars and his little friends. “Give up now, Lars of the Stars; or I’ll screw you, kill you and bring you back. I’ll do it over and over until you love me!”

Was Lars afraid? Oh fuck yes, he was. But he wasn’t about to take any of of it lying down. “Let’s dance,” he said to both Alucard and Emerald.  

[applegelstore]

Orchestra AU thoughts in three charming parts

A few people voiced their interest, so I figured I could explain what’s actually behind the orchestra AU idea, since this one isn’t exactly a crossover with some other franchise, and therefore you can’t guess any context from what you know about the other part of the crossover :,D Feel free to skip, it’s just text, but if you wanna talk orchestra AU with me, please go ahead! Warning, way too long post ahead (why did I spend an entire afternoon on this?):

PART 1 (basics)

The AU as such is the one where nothing hurts and everything is musical jokes (or musical sex jokes in Zaveid’s case) and shameless geeking. And it’s actually supposed to be a cross-Tales thing. With Rollo probably following Ludger wherever he goes like a dog, and nobody ever minds. And Phi probably following Velvet around, and nobody minds that, either.

So far I’ve deduced the ensemble from official material as follows:

Jr. Conductor: Cress

Jr. Jr. Conductor: Phi (in training, probably. THEN AGAIN CRESS SHOULD STILL BE IN TRAINING, TOO, HE’S 17, LIKE 90% OF ALL JRPG PROTAGONISTS EVER)

Solo Soprano: Tear, Lailah (not official, but try to fight me on these ladies)

Solo Bass: Zaveid (come on, he’s bass)

Solo Piano: Mikleo (this isn’t official either, but you can try to pry the “Mikleo plays piano” headcanon from my cold, dead hands)

Violin: Mint, Ludger, Sorey


Viola: Alisha (I guess it’s supposed to be another violin, BUT IT LOOKS SO BIG)

Cello: Velvet

Double bass: Richard

Flute: Milla, Mikleo

Clarinet: Rose (and probably abusing it to stab people)

Trumpet: Jude, Elize, Dezel

Trombone: Eleanor

Percussion: Rokurou, Luke, Edna

As you can see, we don’t have a FULL orchestra yet, but we also have a fuckton of games left.

PART 2
 (what most of you are here for. The Sormik spinoff)

…Everything was plot- and painless, until my unhelpful brain decided that we need some Sormik spinoff, some sort of plot, and also some fantasy/dark fairytale shit because I always fall for that. Also there’s the thing that we never learn in the game who the heck Mikleo’s father is, so there was room to fill with AU material. So, some of you may know that I’m a huuuuuge Seventh Wonder fan. If you didn’t, now you know. Seventh Wonder are super duper fucking amazing, and Tommy Karevik is a god. …Ah pretty ripped hipster teddybear god. Okay, back to topic. So there’s this song, King of Whitewater, which is about a water spirit luring in children (…and their relatives) with beautiful violin melodies. From this general theme, my unhelpful brain deduced the following, dark fairytale-ish concept:

When she’s still young and naive, Muse meets the very lonely water spirit. Eventually, she feels pity for him and falls in love with him. But sooner or later she misses a normal human’s life in a normal human town, and when he doesn’t let her get away and turns violent, she runs away, highly pregnant. She refuses to tell anyone who’s the father; the only one he trusts is Michael, who agrees to help her raise the child, too. They hope everything will be well. Yeah, you all know who that child is. Anyway, the water spirit is pretty heartbroken, and that makes him even more violent, and also feel betrayed for that yet unborn child. And from that day on, starts luring in little children who never see the light of day again.

Muse doesn’t know about this. And leads a normal life, believing she escaped.

All is fine until someday during a scouting trip in the woods between Camlann and Elysia, little Sorey and Mikleo get lost in the woods and accidentally find a mysterious (TM) lake. It’s surrounded by mist so thick they can hardly see anything, but all the time, soothing, beautiful violin music plays. Because that’s how the spirit lures in children. Because he wants his child back.

To which little Sorey of course violently disagrees, but it’s not like two little children had much of a chance to escape, so Mikleo talks the spirit into a compromise: stealing children isn’t okay, no matter the circumstances. At least wait til I’m of age. And please stop killing other children in the meantime. The spirit agrees and lets them go. Sorey is of course a crying mess. Somehow through his tears and apologies he manages to promise Mikleo that the spirit won’t get him. And Mikleo trusts him. Problem is that the spirit isn’t exactly stupid either, so he enchants the children so they forget everything that happened instead of like, running for help. Oh, except the song (which is the violin solo in King of Whitewater btw). They never forget the song. They just forget how and where they learned it, and ever since that scout trip it’s their personal thing that they often play for fun, believing it to be some kind of nursery rhyme. And nobody ever suspects a thing.

Everything is perfect. Everything is beautiful. They grow up to be smart kids and with wonderful grades in school. They become marvelous musicians. They meet wonderful friends in high school. Of course they eventually start dating.

But then Mikleo’s 18th birthday draws near and for a couple of weeks, things get weird. He gets nightmares in which he drowns or gets lost in the mist, nightmares in which Sorey dies or simply gets missing, nightmares that he can’t make sense of. He hears the song all the time in his head, failing to remember where he’d learned it. The morning after his 18th birthday party, he wakes up in Sorey’s arms and everything ought to be great and perfect, but somehow it isn’t. He asks Sorey whether he remembers the song they learned as kids. Or how they learned it. What’s it called, even. He doesn’t know, but he remembers the song and plays it for Mikleo. And suddenly, bit by bit, Mikleo remembers. So does Sorey, but much slower.

Sorey leaves for college and Muse and Michael are already gone for work, but Mikleo stays in bed because he’s tired. Sorey has a bad feeling about this (TM) but leaves him be. Mistake. When he gets back home, Mikleo is nowhere to be found.

AND HERE’S THE PROBLEM. I’m stuck here. I have not the slightest idea how to fix this and stop Mikleo from getting lost in a lake in the woods for the rest of his life. Sure, okay, Muse and Sorey violently disagree, BUT WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT. Violent violin battles are some of the less ridiculous “solutions” that have come to my mind so far.

If anybody knows how to give this thing a happy ending that doesn’t involve any deus ex machina moves from any end, I’d be grateful.

The worst thing about this is that experience tells me that I’d have zero trouble to actually leave Mikleo lost in the forest for the rest of his life if this was one of my original stories. Most of them are made of pain and suffering, seasoned with cute animals and super-natural shit for balance.

PART 3 (random Sormik related tidbits)

-Camlann is a tiny, mountaineous town which they love very dearly -they have to travel quite a bit each morning for high school and college (the former where they meet the rest of the squad) and later on to study some music or history related, they still visit their families often because they like it so much -I kinda want Selene to retain her maiden’s name and make it Shepherd for the sole purpose that Zaveid can then continue calling Sorey Sheps -also I came up with this bit about their living situation -shortly before Sorey and Mikleo start dating, they borrow the keys to a concert rehearsal room at some point, so they can practice their grand piano/violin duet a bit (Mikleo only has a piano at home, not a grand piano). It’s gonna be part of a huge concert thing, so it’s only one part of the show with an entire orchestra and occasionally other solos or duets -a hurricane cuts off all public transport for the evening and the entire night, and it’s also goddamn dangerous not to have a roof over your head for the time being -so they’re trapped in the rehearsal room until morning when the storm has subsided and public transport is also working again -once they’re too tired to actually practice once the evening gets late (like. very late. more like middle of the night/morning), they abide their time watching the storm through the rehearsal room’s hugeass windows -at some point, sleepy hormone rushes favor the confession and kissing bit -they have fond memories of thunderstorms afterwards -when she eventually hears about the thing, Rose is hollering with laughter because she probably had bets going that it would take them getting locked up in a room to finally confess and make out after years of mutual oblivious pining. She wasn’t entirely wrong, and probably made lots of bucks with her bet -anyway, when they finally perform their duet weeks later, the entire audience agrees that their duet was one of the evening’s highlights, and Sorey probably spends all evening smiling like an idiot and happily holding Mikleo’s hand -considering that the whole thing could be shamelessly crossover-y, I might get flutist!Milla giving flutist!Mikleo kindly big sister advise feelings (no, not relationship advise, because she’s the worst at that. Hey, not everything has to be Sormik-related) -not sure whether she’s still a vessel for Maxwell, but if lake spirits are a thing, why shouldn’t Maxwell be a thing -fun fact: I hate suits.

[equivvitch]

Fassathon: A Summary (Part I)

So, this summer, in the year of Our Lord 2017, I decided to do something stupid and unnecessary, as I do, by watching every single theatrically-released movie Michael Fassbender has been in thus far. Every single one. I dubbed it the Fassathon and didn’t rest until I was finished. (I know a lot of his early career was in television and in television movies (trust me I know the only thing I have to type in my search bar is “im” and his IMDb page pops up automatically) and given more time I’ll probably watch some of those but for the sake of not having to watch like seven more movies I granted myself that leniency.)

All in all, I’d say it took about two months. In total I believe I watched 24 movies, having already watched five beforehand (the new X-Men trilogy, Shame, and Jane Eyre) for a grand total of 29 damn movies (full disclosure, one was a bonus which you’ll see eventually but whatever). Some of them were actually ones I needed/wanted to watch but a lot were….not.

In any case, for the sake of posterity and making myself feel better about being a dumbass, I decided to write up some kind of summary piece about it, so that’s what this is. It got fuckign long so it’s gonna be divided into three parts: two just reviewing the movies and one with some summary thoughts.

This is part one, but first, it wouldn’t be a post by me without eighty disclaimers so let’s get that out of the way first:

This is all subjective obviously. Keep in mind I had to watch all of these so a lot of times I tended to compare them more to themselves than films as a whole. I tried to see the big picture after the fact but when you have 28 films to watch you tend to get hyper-focused on the task at hand. Also I’m not a film critic. I’m just an asshole and a dumbass, a dumb asshole if you will. I am interested in film theory but that means about jack since I have no formal education in it.

It should also be noted that a) Fassbender’s performances in these movies were almost uniformly excellent. The man can carry a movie on his goddamn back and often does if required to do so. This was noted consistently to the point of it being funny in the reviews of each movie. b) A lot of these are British movies. They’re not Hollywood. Just…..pointing it out. And c) I’m 1000% attached to some of these films/franchises outside of this “challenge.” X-Men in particular and also Jane Eyre I’m invested in deeply so that might affect my ideas.

That out of the way, without further ado, some reviews, thoughts, and recommendations:

X-Men: First Class (Erik Lehnsherr)

Rating: 8/10

Quick Summary: At the height of the Cold War, Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr meet under unlikely circumstances and form an even more unlikely bond. They end up with a common goal in defeating a ghost of Erik’s past, Sebastian Shaw, who is determined to cause nuclear war between the U.S. and Soviet Union in hopes of destroying all humans and making way for mutant rule. The two set out and put together a team of mutants to help combat him, but push their relationship in the process to an unfortunate breaking point.

Some Thoughts: I have watched First Class so many times you have no idea. Understand, I once did a full rewatch of this movie for the sole purpose of fact-checking a post that was talking about how many times Charles says “Erik” throughout the movie. I sat there and tallied them by rewatching the entire thing. I love this movie to pieces, so I really have no ability to objective over it. Because of that I do know its flaws pretty well, trust me. It has issues (coughs about the ridiculous awful romantic subplots), but I really do think it’s a strong film and an interesting start to this quasi-reboot. Ultimately it’s a movie about the relationship between Erik and Charles, so that is its strongest point. There are some big shoes to fill, considering Sirs Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan had the roles first, but McAvoy and Fassbender do a great job with it. It was stated in interviews that McAvoy was cast first and then they made the guys going out for the role of Erik read with him to cast a chemistry instead of a person and it shows. It really is shot like a love story, especially when the B-plot is an explicit romance between Hank and Raven. In my opinion it’s a fun ride, watching everyone meet and use their powers, train together and learn together. The ending is not that happy and I always shake hands with movies that dare to do that, especially big films like this (see GotG 2). It can be silly and frustrating at times, but after Last Stand I feel like we could only go up. I know some people really don’t like this movie which? I guess I’d like to hear from someone who doesn’t to understand why. That being said, Armando deserved better. Fuck his nonsensical death.

Warnings: Montages? Also some violence. Not a ton but what’s there sticks in your head.

Recommend?: Yeah! If you like superhero movies this is a pretty solid one.

X-Men: Days of Future Past (Erik, but this time in the 70s, and with less turtlenecks and more scarves)

Rating: 9/10

Quick Summary: (This plot is so convoluted I’m going to have to be vague otherwise this could take years.) In an apocalyptic future these robots called Sentinels are murdering everyone, particularly mutants because at one point a guy named Dr. Trask got ahold of Mystique’s DNA and used it to make them indestructible. The always wonderful and patient Logan gets sent back to the past to try and stop this from happening. There he finds Charles in a terrible, drug-induced spiral having lost everything and has to attempt to get him out of it so he can help find Raven who’s gone rogue and wants to kill Trask for his experimentation on mutants. In the process they join up with Erik, courtesy of Peter/Quicksilver, which doesn’t go well, which no one could have ever seen coming. The whole thing comes to a head when Raven has to decide whether to become a murderer and risk an even darker future or let Trask walk free and go against what she believes in.

Some Thoughts: I remember so clearly sitting the theatre and seeing the first preview for this, turning to my family and joking about the really stupid title. Like “Days of Future Past? What kind of title is that?” It’s up there with Back to the Future in terms of dumb titles, but is somehow pretty much acknowledged as the best of the current three, alternate timeline movies?? In spite of its ridiculously convoluted plot, it’s a really solid film and has great character development for two of the big players, Charles and Raven. Wolverine acts as a familiar foundation and point of view for the story and grounds it as he often does. Charles has to learn to stop trying to control those around him and move on with his life despite past losses, and Raven has to make a pivotal choice for her character. The scene at the end where it’s flipping between the future and past and all the original cast and the new cast are fighting at the same time is really cool, and the character arcs are strong and satisfying. The only one who doesn’t change much is Erik, but arguably First Class was his platform for character development or, more accurately, regression. He doesn’t do anything that helpful (which is….true to form) but watching him lift an entire fucking baseball stadium, fly it through the air, and drop it on top of the White House is pretty rad. Also Quicksilver is incredible holy shit the way they do his scenes is iconic. Kind of confusing maybe, but it also retconned almost the entirety of the original timeline in a genius move to destroy Last Stand once and for all. It’s usually called the best for a reason.

Warnings: Wolverine gets stabbed by stuff and shot a lot but that’s par for the course

Recommend?: Yep! But you might want to have watched some of the other movies first. Watching it with no background would probably be….too much.

X-Men: Apocalypse (Still Erik/Polish(?) Lumberjack/Poster child for Man Pain™)

Rating: 5/10

Quick Summary: An ancient mutant named Apocalypse (or En Sabah Nur if we’re going to be technical) awakens in the midst of the 80s (because there must be a 10 year gap between each movie it’s a rule). He used to rule but now he doesn’t and he’s mad so now he wants to destroy the world or some shit and rebuild it in his image. He does this by getting together his four horsemen (get it) including Erik who is inexplicably in Poland with yet another family that gets fridged. The X-Men find this out and get together to take him down.

Some Thoughts: I can (and have) ranted about this movie for literal hours. I have some serious personal gripes with it and it annoys me to the point where I’ve blown it out of proportion so keep that in mind. That rating might be a bit low but this movie is mediocre at best. I guess the core of it is because the X-Men conflict is a lot more interesting when they’re up against some government entity or society as a whole rather than just some random villain, at least to me. This movie also does not have a strong foundation like the first two did, no solid grounding point. In XMFC it was Erik and Charles’s relationship, in DoFP it was Wolverine being the POV character, but in this we really have nothing. The stuff with the kids is probably the most interesting and I hope they do more of that in the upcoming sequel. It has a few good moments (Quicksilver’s scene and Erik dramatically throwing down giant steel beams in the shape of an “X” in front of Apocalypse as he switches sides to save Charles and co stick out in my mind) but it tends to drag otherwise. There are about twenty plots going on and it takes forever for them all to connect. The romantic subplot crap is a pain in the ass and dragging Moira back was particularly idiotic when you realize they once again gave her nothing to do in the final act except overlook Charles completely violating her personhood in the first movie by wiping her mind without consent so she can get back together with him. The shit with Erik’s Poland family is stupid even if it’s done well. Magneto of all fucking people does not need more man pain for god’s sake. Lawrence is so checked out she really might as well be a phone recording as Lindsay Ellis points out in her Loose Canon series on YouTube. The only one who really had any interesting development was Storm and I hope they keep on with her because she’s a really good character. There’s just not much there for me, or what is there isn’t of any value. I really hope the next one is better. (Probably a far-fetched hope but a girl can dream.)

Warnings: Lazy writing (and comic-book-movie-typical violence)

Recommend?: I mean you probably want to watch if you’re watching the series. It’s not the worst X-Men movie. I’m probably a little harsh on it. There are the Wolverine sequels. Still, if you’re not that invested, it’s probably not worth it.

Jane Eyre (Rochester)

Rating: 11/10 10/10

Quick Summary: Jane Eyre has lived a fairly unfortunate life, having been put under watch of her cruel aunt after her parents’ deaths and consequently sent to a boarding school that beats its pupils into submission, but remains strong in spite of this. She finds herself a new job as a governess at Thornfield Hall and soon meets its master, Edward Fairfax Rochester. The two begin to talk and form an interesting relationship in spite of their large age difference. Jane begins to fall for her employer, overlooking his rough exterior to the person underneath. Rochester reciprocates, but all is not well. Jane discovers her lover is hiding a dark secret and must decide whether to be true to her love for him or to herself.

Some Thoughts: I WOULD DIE FOR JANE EYRE TBH THE DAY NETFLIX TOOK IT OFF WAS A TRAVESTY. Really, though it’s such a good movie and very loyal to the book. It’s a period piece, but it’s very different from something like Pride and Prejudice, a lot because Jane is such an interesting character. I love her and Mia Wasikowska does a great job. Rochester is a bitch, but…..he’s a bitch with a good heart. Realistically he’s supposed to be kind of….not good looking? So casting Fassbender might have been counterproductive, but it does mean he has to compensate for his incredibly square jawline which can’t be hidden behind that shit sideburn beard with his acting, which he does very well. His charisma kind of helps to smooth over the fact that Rochester can be standoffish to viewers that aren’t prepared for him. He is no Mr. Darcy. The chemistry between the two is great and the story is really enthralling. The music is gorgeous and the ending is satisfying. Well-shot, well-paced, loyal to the original, just a great adaptation all together. It’s not a happy movie, but it has a happy ending. I really have nothing but good things to say about it. Please give it a chance if you’re even a bit interested.

Warnings: You might cry/a little blood

Recommend?: Yes!

Shame (Brandon)

Rating: 10/10

(Quick note: if you’re like “wow you sure aren’t harsh on these movies” listen this was back when I was actually choosing the ones I wanted to watch….so yeah….these are mostly good ones at first. There are definitely some bads on here….don’t you worry…)

Quick Summary: Without giving away everything: Brandon is a pretty normal man struggling with a sex addiction which he basically refuses to acknowledge at the beginning of the movie. His lifestyle is disrupted when his younger sister Sissy comes to stay at his apartment without asking him first. The rest of the film is about their complicated and mildly toxic relationship and Brandon dealing (and not dealing) with his addiction with mixed results.

Some Thoughts: This is one of those movies like Brokeback Mountain that just kind of….sticks on you. I felt that way about Silence of the Lambs too where you watch it and then you can’t really forget about it. Fassbender has worked with Steve McQueen who directed this film three times, this being the second, and they make a great pair. McQueen loves him some long takes and he does them well. His style of directing is unflinching to the point of it being uncomfortable which works well for the type of stories he likes to tell. It’s a very quiet movie, not much dialogue, but it really hits home. This really is one of Fassbender’s best of performances in my opinion. He can do a lot with just his expressions and it really shows here. The dynamic between him and Carey Mulligan who plays Sissy is really poignant. I probably could never do it justice with words alone. It’s difficult to watch, but worth it. It’s one of those movies where the protagonist doesn’t really grow, pointed out very blatantly here. True development hasn’t taken place, at least not yet. Whether or not you think it actually will after this is left up to how optimistic you are for the characters and the story.

Warnings: This is rated NC-17 for a reason. They do not shy away from anything and they do not cut you a break by easing into it. Translation: if you’re disinterested in becoming familiar with some very particular bits of Fassy’s anatomy I’d steer clear. Also strong warning for themes (and fairly graphic depictions) of self-harm.

Recommend?: I would never tell someone to watch this movie, but I would definitely advocate for it. Read the description (that a professional has written, not just mine fff), check the warnings, see if you’re up for it. This is one you need to choose to watch, not be forced to.

Macbeth (Macbeth)

Rating: 6/10

Quick Summary: Oh god, I still don’t remember the plot of this thing…. I swear I read it once but you’d be better off reading the Spark Notes or something. It’s based on the Shakespeare play (obviously) where this dude named Macbeth and his wife Lady Macbeth go around killing people to gain power because some weird ladies in the middle of a field told him he’d be king. Everyone fucking dies at the end per usual due to really ridiculous loopholes. A grand old time, as always, with Mr. ‘speare.

Some Thoughts: Listen pal I got food poisoning trying to watch this damn movie THE CURSE OF THE SCOTTISH PLAY IS REAL. But really, it’s kind of what you’d expect? All of this is coming from me, an idiot, who doesn’t remember the play super well and is shit at Shakespeare, so bear that in mind, but?? It stuck to the original pretty well. It’s played dead-ass straight, so know that right now. There is no humor in this movie ever; it’s completely serious. Also impossible to understand because it’s Shakespearean English in Scottish accents. You’d be better off with a background knowledge of the play I think. That said, the visuals in this movie are absolutely gorgeous holy shit. The ending fight scene is incredible. That alone made it worth the watch for me at least. Marion Cotillard who plays Lady Macbeth is amazing as well. What a great performance. It’s a solid film. You need to accept its no-nonsense attitude to get into it, but otherwise it’s fine.

Warnings: It gets pretty bloody, but not overly so.

Recommend?: Not really, unless you really like the play or have a good knowledge of it already. It’s beautiful, but a little too serious for the casual viewer. I assume that’s why its reviews are kind of mixed.

Prometheus (David)

Rating: 6.5/10

Quick Summary: Two scientists discover a series of ancient drawings, all of which are very similar despite appearing hundreds of years and thousands of miles apart. They believe this might be a clue as to how the human race came to be, a path to our creators. They set out on the Prometheus to investigate a planet they believe to be the origin of these so called “engineers.” Things go awry as one might expect when they find the planet is already inhabited, but not by any “engineers.” Moreover, several crewmembers have secret motivations of their own for coming along which doesn’t really turn out well for anyone.

Some Thoughts: I feel like a lot of people don’t like Prometheus because it’s a think-y movie. It’s not really an action-packed thriller like other movies in the Alien franchise. This was the first in the franchise I’d ever seen so I didn’t really go in with those kind of expectations which I think was to my benefit. If you go in looking for answers you’re probably going to not like it, but I just sort of went to have a good time and pretty much did. Noomi Rapace as Elizabeth Shaw is really great. I really enjoyed her as the main character. There are some really good actors in this movie and I think they do a good job. I loved Idris Elba’s character a lot for example. It’s a beautiful film as well. Fassbender plays David, the resident android of the ship. It was interesting to watch him play a robot because he is, to me, a very emotive actor and this had to be more restrained. I don’t remember the movie super well which probably speaks to it just being an average sort of film. It’s not great, but it’s not as bad as some people seemed to think it was. Just go along for the ride and it can be a good popcorn flick.

Warnings: There’s one really graphic surgery scene that was hard to watch, but otherwise it’s (compared to the other Alien film on this list) not too bad. It really is more introspective than bloody. Also, maybe obviously, there are aliens in this movie.

Recommend?: If you’re into sci-fi thought-pieces, sure. Just don’t go in expecting a masterpiece.

Alien: Covenant (Walter and David, yes both)

Rating: (completely subjective) 8/10

Quick Summary: A group of forgettable, idiot crewmembers who are all inexplicably married for no reason other than a desperate bid to get you to care about them in any way (you won’t. trust me. they’re so stupid you’ll probably rooting against them eventually) are piloting a ship called the Covenant with 2000-some passengers and a lot of embryos on a colonizing mission. Along the way they intercept a strange transmission coming from another habitable planet they hadn’t noticed before which is much closer and decide to investigate. Once there things take a turn for the worst. After several deaths and the completely avoidable destruction of their ship, they run into David who’s been living alone on the planet for ten years after the Prometheus crashed there. They soon learn that they would have been better off braving the planet and waiting for rescue alone.

Some Thoughts: Listen I went into this movie completely expecting it to be horrible. This really was the one that started it all, where I decided I’d watch all of them. I wasn’t going to watch it because it looked ridiculous, but then it was available to rent and I was curious. In all honesty, I really only went in to see with my own eyes how and why the actual hell Fassbender was playing two characters which at some point kiss, so that was part of it. Ultimately I ended up really liking it. Now mind you, this is not a good movie. It’s not. The cast is forgettable and stupid to the point where you just want them to die already and get it over with. The only person I even slightly cared about was Daniels, the main crewmember character you follow. People die without any pomp and the movie is riddled with clichés. That said, it is a lot more like what I expect an Alien movie usually is. There’s a lot more fighting of aliens and a lot more blood. So what’s with the rating? Really it’s completely subjective, but if you know me and watch this movie you’ll probably understand. Let’s just say I have a very specific type of character I tend to like and this movie delivers.

Fassbender carries this gotdamn movie on his back half the time and somehow pulls off the ridiculous scenario of him being the two different robots. The interactions between Walter and David really were some of the more interesting parts of the film for me, completely ridiculous as they are (“I’ll do the fingering”). If you can just suspend your disbelief and go with it I insist that it can be a good time. My favor of the movie really comes from my opinion of David and I think that’s what will make or break the movie for you. It was a ballsy choice of protagonist, and when you realize that I think the forgettable main crew is a little more justifiable. Big kudos for the ending as well, at least from me. It ended exactly the way I wanted it to, and I ended up being invested in who I needed to be invested in. It’s a stupid movie, but I do think you can have fun watching it if you’re in it for the right stuff (namely the fassbots).

(Also, people are not happy about the fuck-million more Alien movies in the works but hear me out…. I have a great pitch idea….what if with every new movie we just double the number of Fassbenders…… so there’s four and then eight and then sixteen all the way until we just have infinite Fassbenders….. listen this is a great plan Mr. Scott please hire me as script consultant from now on)

Warnings: This is a lot more of a horror movie than Prometheus. It’s bloody and violent, and yes there are more aliens. Also it is really stupid. Also warnings for that sweet, sweet ‘bot-on-‘bot action ;)

Recommend?: I mean….not really. Again my opinion is so subjective here that it’s worth a grain of salt. If you do, you need to watch Prometheus first because you need to form an opinion of David.

Hunger (Bobby Sands)

Rating: 5/10

Quick Summary: Without me sitting here for like a half hour looking up a lot of proper names and dates (which I’ve already done once when I was watching the damn thing), this a movie about a hunger strike led by a man named Bobby Sands. It takes place in a prison in Northern Ireland. A group of people called the Republicans who are fighting against being part of Britain and want one united Ireland are being arrested for political acts and are protesting in any way they can. This begins with bathing and clothing strikes, and eventually leads to a hunger strike when this accomplishes nothing.

Some Thoughts: So this is a critically-acclaimed movie and I know people really like it. I guess I can see why but compared to McQueen’s other films I didn’t think it was super impressive. It’s his first project with Fassbender and in a lot of ways it feels like an early-career film. It has a lot of pacing issues. I read reviews saying it’s two movies in one and it really is. As an American (and therefore a dumbass when it comes to conflicts in other countries because our history classes here are Shit) it was sort of a confusing movie to watch just because I didn’t really have any background knowledge about what was happening. I was doing a lot of googling throughout to catch myself up with the conflict and acronyms etc. It’d definitely strike more of a chord with someone who knew about it beforehand. It is a prison movie and it’s difficult to watch because of that. There’s a lot of mistreatment of prisoners and just kind of gross stuff in general. I was whining at one point about the hunger strike not starting until like…20 minutes before the movie ends but I see now why it didn’t because you’re basically just watching Fassbender starve to death from that point on and it’s Not Fun. There are impressive parts of it. There’s a long take of a conversation between Bobby and a priest where he explains his idea of starting a hunger strikes that is, I shit you know, seventeen fucking minutes long. It’s crazy. There are other long takes in the film but they’re not always used super effectively. This can cause the movie to drag at times. The use of sound in the movie is also really amazing. It’s very quiet usually, but picks its loud moments and picks them well. Overall I didn’t get much out of watching it, but that’s just me. I didn’t think it was worth the difficult watch.

Warnings: It’s unrated but I bet it would be R or even NC-17 if it was. Lots of disturbing shots of violence against prisoners and behaviors of the prisoners themselves tbh. There’s nudity as well, but it’s used as humiliation mostly. As usual, McQueen’s style of filmmaking is unflinching and watching someone starve to death isn’t fun.

Recommend?: Not really. McQueen has better films you could watch. Unless you’re personally interested in the conflict at hand, I’d skip it.

Frank (Frank)

Rating: 10/10

Quick Summary: An untalented aspiring musician named Jon suddenly stumbles across the opportunity of a lifetime to play in actual band when they find themselves out a keyboard player the day before a performance. Jon lends them a hand and is accepted into the group in spite of some friction with most of the members. They invite him back on what ends up being year-long trip into the woods to write a new album. While living with the band, the Soronprfbs, Jon gets to know the members better, as well as their many quirks. Notably, there is Don, the manager who seems level-headed if somewhat depressed, Clara, who doesn’t take Jon’s being there very well, and Frank, the apparent leader of the band. Jon takes a special interest in Frank who appears to be the heart and soul of the group. In spite of wearing a giant fake head at all times, he’s very friendly, encouraging, and strangely inspiring. As they work to write their album, Jon begins to record and post their progress on social media, gaining them a new following of people amused by their bizarre antics. This new popularity ends up landing them a bigger gig than they’ve ever had before, but comes at the cost of risking the band’s identity and solidarity.

Some Thoughts: Frank is an amazing movie. If someone wasn’t interested in Jane Eyre but wanted a Fassbender rec, I would 100% give this one. I love this movie to pieces and I’m so glad I watched it because I was initially on the fence with it. In fact, I liked it so much I watched it twice within my rental period, and have now purchased it. If you’re looking for something close to a comedy on this list, this is it. I kind of describe it as if Wes Anderson directed Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, threw in a strong lesson about mental illness, and bumped up the rating a bit. This movie is hilarious and wonderful and poignant. The message is a really good one and one I don’t think we hear a lot. It’s a good commentary on the relationship between art and mental illness, and it’s done respectfully for the most part. Fassbender as Frank is kind of incredible. You don’t see his face for the majority of the film, but he still gives an amazing performance. I think it shows how talented he is as an actor that he pulls this part off so well. You’re intrigued as much as Jon is by him, or at least I was. The humor is a little out there and some of the themes may be off-putting, but I really do think this is one to see. Maggie Gyllenhaal as Clara is fantastic as well. It’s a difficult part but she pulls it off so wonderfully. Domhnall Gleeson as Jon gives a decent grounding point of view character as well. It’s funny and touching and goddammit maybe someday I’ll watch one of these movies without crying but that ending hit me right in the heart.

Warnings: Themes of self-harm and mental illness are present. They’re not played as a joke, but they’re there.

Recommend?: Yes please watch this movie I beg of you it deserves all the praise

Fish Tank (Connor)

Rating: 5/10

Quick Summary: The movie is a coming-of-age story of sorts for the protagonist Mia. Mia has a difficult home life with a neglectful and often abusive mother as well as a penchant for causing trouble. Having been kicked out of school she is directionless which only furthers her spiral downward. Her only true passion is dancing, but she prefers to do this privately. One day she meets her mother’s latest fling, Connor. Unlike the others, however, Connor seems there to stay. Mia begins to interact with Connor and the two form a relationship. Connor is kind to both her and her younger sister, treating them with respect and parental affection they do not receive otherwise. Connor encourages Mia’s hobby and leads her to begin searching for a career in dancing, helping to turn her life around. Things take a turn when Mia and Connor overstep a boundary in their relationship and this leads to Mia discovering that Connor was not what she thought he was.

Some Thoughts: I’m very…ambivalent about this movie, so I don’t probably have a lot interesting to say about it. It seems to me that Fish Tank is a part of a very particular genre of movie about a specific part of the British lower class, making it difficult to relate to for someone who hasn’t experienced that way of life. I watched another movie called Beautiful Thing a long time ago that was part of this genre as well, and that’s what Fish Tank reminded me of more than anything else. It seems to be characterized by poor, crowded living conditions and abusive family dynamics more than anything else. The characters struggle to get by and are generally mean-spirited to everyone they encounter automatically. It can make for a bitter watching experience, even if it is realistic. Mia is a somewhat believable teenager. Since this is a British movie about hip-hop dancing however and the actress playing Mia has…little to no actual dancing skill, any parts of the movie that have to do with this dancing can be embarrassing to watch. You really have to accept that it’s stupid and move past it to watch the thing.

The relationship between Mia and Connor is…troubling which I’m sure it’s supposed to be but it’s never resolved. Some of the scenes in the movie are disturbing as some in Hunger. One of my biggest issues with the movie was there really seemed to be a conversation missing. The end of the film felt like it was lacking a crucial interaction between the two and it made the ending fall pretty flat, at least for me. I know people like this movie and it’s award-winning but I couldn’t relate to it in any meaningful way. It left me feeling conflicted more than anything else. I have no strong or final opinion on this movie. I do respect that it had a female director, but I feel as though I very clearly wasn’t its intended audience, so its impact on me was minor at best and non-existent at worst. There are some nice cheesecake shots in it of Fassbender I guess. I think it still wins for best ass shot afdjks;lj

Warnings: Some disturbing character behavior, especially from Mia. Abusive family dynamics and physical child abuse are also present. Also statutory r*pe. Also some really embarrassing excuses for hip-hop dancing and general cultural appropriation shit that comes from a British movie about hip-hop.

Recommend?: You can try it, but I wouldn’t advocate for it. There are better artsy films to watch unless you’re actually in the target demographic and think you might like this sort of movie.

Inglourious Basterds (Lt. Archie Hicox)

Rating: 7/10

Quick Summary: When she was young, Shosanna’s family was murdered by Nazis hunting down Jewish families who had escaped to France. Now, as a young woman, she finds herself with the opportunity to get revenge. Meanwhile, Lt. Aldo Raine has formed a group of rogue Nazi-hunters called the Basterds, infamous throughout Germany for their lack of restraint and ability to avoid capture. His team is hired by the Allies to help with a plot to hopefully take out all the big political figures in the Nazi party, including Hitler himself, in one fell swoop. It just so happens these two plans are meant to take place in the same place, on the same night.

Some Thoughts: This is the first Tarantino movie I’ve ever seen and I do think it was good for me to at least see one. I was glad to see the movie itself too, actually. It was one on here I just needed to watch outside of this thing. I enjoyed it for all it reveled (as expected) in gore occasionally. I really loved Shosanna. Mélanie Laurent did an excellent job with her and she was easily the best part of the film for me, though I did enjoy Brad Pitt’s shenanigans as Aldo. Fassbender has kind of a bit part in this one which was a little different, since he tends to steal the spotlight otherwise. It really wasn’t my favorite performance of his. It was a little unfocused, though that might be because his character is just a plot device. Kind of a shame but in true X-Men fashion all he did was show-up, fuck things up, and then make his exit. Ah well. It’s well-shot and a good time, if a little long. The blood was there, but not excessive. Maybe a good choice if you, like me, wanted to see one of these movies, but were a little nervous about the violence.

Warnings: Typical Tarantino violence, I presume. Really, it’s just a few focused shots of it, but there is scalping in this movie, as well as some mutilation and gunshot wounds. I whipped my hand up to cover the screen more the once throughout and I’m pretty decent with blood.

Recommend?: Sure. It’s a pretty solid film and last time I checked it’s free on Netflix.

Centurion (Quintus Dias)

Rating: 6.5/10

Quick Summary: In the something-or-other A.D. the Romans are up somewhere near Britain trying to expand the empire, as one does, but are having trouble with the native peoples of those lands called the Picts. The Picts keep decimating their armies, as they do with Quintus Dias’s men. The Picts take him in rather than killing him because he speaks their language, allowing him to escape and meet up with another regiment. Together, they try again to attack the Picts and again are defeated handily. This time the Picts take their general of sorts. Dias and a small group of men are the only ones to survive and attempt to rescue him, but ultimately fail. Afterwards they begin their attempt to escape to safety, all the while being hunted by the Picts.

Some Thoughts: So I fully expected to hate this movie. When I saw this was the other one on Netflix I was Not Happy, but? It kind of surprised me. I think really it did a couple small things well and that turned my favor of it. It really isn’t that great of a movie, with a lot of narration and not a ton to say, but it’s certainly not offensive. It turned into a survival movie rather than a war movie which I greatly preferred. They also weren’t super over the top with the romantic subplot which was….SHOCKING. Usually, in my experience with the Fassathon, if there can be a sex scene there Will Be A Sex Scene, but not here. They meet a cool witch lady along the way who takes to Quintus, but never is it obnoxious, nor does it waste time with it. It was a breath of fresh air tbh…. I’m probably patting this movie on the back for little things too much, but I really do think it could have been a lot worse. It’s fine. I don’t really know who the target audience was supposed to be but it might be good for a night when you’re bored and can’t think of anything else to watch. You get to watch Fassbender run valiantly and stupidly shirtless through the snow if nothing else.

Warnings: It can get bloody, but not overly so. Also mentions of past sexual assault, but nothing shown.

Recommend?: Eh…like I said. Maybe for the night you’re flipping around and there’s nothing on. Decent popcorn flick, probably not worth spending money on.

Trespass Against Us (Chad Cutler)

Rating: 3/10

Quick Summary: Nothing I could write will make this movie’s plot make any damn sense but I’ll try anyway. Basically there’s this family called the Cutlers who are….Irish tent-people and also a weird kind of mob family with a patriarch named Colby. They live in this little trailer park circle and commit crimes to get by. The plot basically revolves around Fassbender’s character Chad Cutler trying to get out from under Colby’s thumb in order to give his wife and two children a better life. Unfortunately, it seems again and again that he’s already dug his grave and there’s nothing to do but lie in it.

Some Thoughts: So this is a weird movie. The whole conceit is weird and another one that you just kind of have to go with to be able to watch it. Its problem is that it doesn’t really have an arc or a narrative that goes anywhere. If it really had wanted to do something it would have needed to allow Chad to make any progress in his attempts to get away. The dialogue is full of slang and really difficult to understand at times. The whole dynamic of the family is sort of confusing and it’s never explained, just thrust upon you immediately. There are some good interactions, notably between Colby and Chad. The parental relationship between Chad and his son is interesting too, but it really just doesn’t go anywhere with itself. I got a little caught up in the emotionality of it watching it, but looking back I can see how flawed it is. I really don’t see what the director was getting at. Also the religious overtones are strange and didn’t do a whole lot. Just kind of unimpressive if still nice to look at sometimes.

Warnings: Animal death. A lot, actually, and often purposeful. Disturbing behavior, especially one scene where a man is stripped and humiliated. It was surprising and difficult to watch.

Recommend?: Hard pass. Skip it.

300 (Stelios)

Rating: 4/10

Quick Summary: Gerard Butler leads a group of 300 dudes against a gigantic, vaguely racist depiction of the Persian army.

Some Thoughts: I have nothing original to say about this movie, I’m sure. I was……not super happy to find it on here honestly, so I did my best to just enjoy it by making fun of it. Most people know what 300 is like. It’s got some interesting visuals, but it’s definitely one that looks pretty and does as little as possible. Mostly it’s a male power fantasy interwoven with quite a bit of racism, particularly in the portrayal of the Persians. It’s saturated with slow-mo shots and rousing speeches that aren’t really that important to anything. It’s a good one to watch on a bad movie night probably if you don’t mind some of the gore. This was Fassbender’s first theatrical appearance if I’m correct and he’s fine. I guess one plus-side of this movie is that everyone’s practically naked the whole time and super buff so that can be fun to ogle if nothing else. It is what it is.

Warnings: Body horror, lots of blood, and war stuff. Tiddies? Racism? Scottish yelling?

Recommend?: It’s your life buddy. It’s probably one to see once so you can rag on it in good conscience.

Steve Jobs (Steve Jobs)

Rating: 9/10

Quick Summary: A movie shot in three parts showing a dramatized version of the events before the release of three of Jobs’s products, focusing in on his relationship with his coworkers as well as past lover and daughter.

Some Thoughts: This is an excellent movie. It’s another one I’d readily recommend to anyone. The scale of the script is unheard of, meaning it’s super dialogue-heavy but you don’t notice at all. It’s completely absorbing. The performances are top-notch all around. This is another one of Fassbender’s best performances. He sinks into the role completely and does a phenomenal job. Kate Winslet is equally wonderful and balances Fassbender’s Jobs well. I really knew nothing about Jobs before watching this movie and I don’t know how much is true and how much is dramatized but I think that shows that even someone who knows nothing can enjoy it and find it interesting. The politics of it all were particularly wild to bear witness to. It’s a great character piece and it deserved the nominations it got in my opinion. I really liked Jobs’s relationship with his daughter as well. I don’t know how they managed to make a movie full of mostly talking so exciting but they did. I also think they did a great job of not idolizing Jobs at all, nor vilifying him. They walked a fine line and wrote him so he seemed truly human rather than a historical figure. That’s hard to do but they nailed it. Once again, I have little bad to say. If you’re not interested in Jane Eyre, Shame, or Frank here’s another good option for you.

Warnings: The IMDb parental advisory page said something about there being some sex/intimacy stuff but I never saw anything which makes me Highly Suspicious

Recommend?: Yes! Give it a chance!

(cont. in pt. 2 / pt. 3)

[jolteonjordansh]

Okay, rant warning. Because I need to get this off my chest:

Can we stop being so goddamn negative about USUM every single time something is shown or revealed regarding it?

Look, I don't expect people to praise the game as if it's a masterpiece when it isn't even out. I don't even expect people to have to like it. But are we seriously going to criticize every single little thing this game does or adds as "lazy" when we've been doing this "upgraded version" thing for 20 goddamn years? Let’s do an overview, shall we?

Yellow version added a Pikachu that followed you, two exclusive Team Rocket members you could fight and a method of getting all three starters.

Crystal just added some story events with Suicune along with a single new character named Eusine, and rearranged Lugia and Ho-Oh to post-game while Suicune was the main legendary. There was also the first iteration of the Battle Tower. Oh, and animated sprites. It also had an exclusive battle theme for the legendary beasts.

Emerald added an expanded story involving both Team Aqua and Magma, added story bits with Rayquaza, changed up the Champion and one Gym Leader, added an island filled with Battle Facilities, added one forme for Deoxys and the option to choose whether to chase after Latios or Latias I guess. There were also some additional new songs added to the soundtrack to cover this new content.

Platinum added extra story elements throughout the game, some random snow in some of the early region, had some post-game, added two brand new characters--one whom has become a fan favorite and has appeared in every generation since, had another Battle Frontier, added a forme for Giratina and Shaymin, as well as five additional formes for Rotom, and had another dimension you could visit, but sadly you could only do so twice--the first being one time only and the second being extremely limited just to get the Griseous Orb. Once again, more music was added to account for some of the game’s new content.

Black 2 and White 2, while not technically third versions, followed the trend in a new way. It added several new locations, two new gym leaders, a new mode called PokéStar Studios (which is really fun by the way), added the Pokémon World Tournament facility (one of my absolute favorite additions to any Pokémon game we've ever had so far), had a whole new story with several brand new characters, gave Kyurem two new formes, gave the obligatory trio a new set of vastly improved formes, and gave Keldeo a form (but it was purely aesthetic so it wasn't that big of a deal). Not only were there new songs to account for new content, but there were even songs from the previous game remixed exclusively for these new versions.

And then Generation VI did jack. Fucking. Shit. Yeah, X and Y sure were swell and totally weren't rushed, right? And guess what? People bitched and complained when Z did not happen.

So now we're finally getting new sort of "third version" as people seemed pretty okay with it before. Some people saw it as pointless, but never really cried that it was "SO LAZY!!!!!!!" all that much with a few people here and there. These were seen as pretty harmless additions to the franchise. So apparently after one generation, where we literally got nothing and now suddenly people are calling it lazy? I'm sorry, did I miss something here?

These games are not out yet, but we know this much:

There will be new locations in Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon.

There are currently three (technically four with M20 Hat!Pikachu, but that's about as significant as Resolute Keldeo if not less) new formes for Pokémon.

The story is going to be altered, likely along the lines of Emerald and Platinum. We haven't seen enough to see how significant the changes are, but we know that there are some similarities like with meeting Lillie and Nebby (honestly I was annoyed with all of the "LILLIE IS GOING TO BE EVIL!!!!!!!" speculation so you know what good riddance to that).

Not only will we likely get new songs to account for new content, we already have been getting new remixes of songs from Sun and Moon, much like Black 2 and White 2.

We have a new photography mode to interact with our own Pokémon.

There are new Z-Moves for certain Pokémon. 

Someone spotted Mantine as a Ride Pokémon in the trailer, indicating we may have new Ride Pokémon as well.

And so far we have two brand new Pokémon/Ultra Beasts, something that Game Freak has never pulled before mid-generation. The closest thing we've had to this so far is new Mega Evolutions in ORAS. 

And on top of this, there is probably a lot we still don't know about USUM yet, meaning there is more new content to come out of this.

So yeah, surprise! Game Freak has done this before. So why is it, after twenty fucking years that people are just now noticing and starting to get all critical of the whole idea? Because we skipped the trend once with XY because it was so terribly rushed that all of its clearly planned elements for a third version were shoehorned into a new generation? Is it because we got sequels one generation? Is it because people set their expectations so stupidly high that they were truly expecting a Switch Pokémon game to be coming when the console has only been out for a few months? Because Game Freak has never released a main game on a new console within a few months of its life. It's usually a year or two ahead. Hell, Red and Blue released towards the end of the Game Boy's anticipated lifetime, and it single-handedly revived it.

If you don't like USUM? Fine. If you never liked the idea of third versions? Totally okay. But do not be fucking hypocrites and kick and scream about something USUM is doing that several past games have done before multiple times, and most of them did even less than what this game is doing. Because I know for a fucking fact that if suddenly Generation VIII decides to not do a third version and neglects its obligatory third main legendary after all of this overly negative backlash, people will bitch and moan all the same.

[iownmywiiulegit]

Metroid Prime 4: #1- The Lay of the Land

This is the beginning of documentation representing my journey through the Metroid franchise by Nintendo.  First, a warning: This next little bit is a flashback that leads up to now.  

When Nintendo first mentioned that Metroid Prime 4 was in development I thought man, I really should beat the first Metroid Prime.  Back in the days before the Wii I worked my Metroid Prime all the way up to the Ridley battle and then set it down for a few years.  I got into different games like Soul Calibur II and Tales of Symphonia.  Soul Calibur was a great bro bonding game and I still think it is.  The next few years were spent focusing on college and then I bought a Wii.  I thought the Gamecube was obsolete at this point since my Wii could play Gamecube games, but man was I wrong.  Buying the Wii U proved this to me.  I wanted to play all discs on one system but I couldn’t do that.  I wanted (and still want) purity with my consoles.  This resulted in my going hard into my Gamecube again and getting the hardware peripherals that made it stand on par with the Wii, if not debatably better.  I bought the digital component cable for a wildly discounted price on eBay, and the Gameboy player and disc.  I got super lucky in finding the component cables at the price I found them at and I think the seller was in a pinch because it WAS around the holidays and I was just randomly checking the listings and was like “holy crap.”  No bidding, just buy it now.  Can’t say, won’t say.  It was also around this time that Nintendo announced that they were starting development for Metroid Prime all over from scratch.  Hearing this news felt like hearing a referee pistol.  If Nintendo was going to give me a fair warning that shit was getting real about Metroid Prime 4, then it’s up to me to get on the ball and meet Nintendo and Retro Studios in stride.  My instincts told me to go beat my original Metroid Prime file, finally.  My hardware was excellent and Nintendo sent the official signal; let’s go.

Turning on Metroid Prime for the first time in years with my original save file still intact, I expected to me extremely rusty at the controls and traversing the landscape.  Surprisingly it came back fairly quickly and before I knew it I was blasting different colored Metroids away no problem.  What I didn’t realize was exactly how close I was to actually beating the game.  The final boss was all I had to defeat.  Really?  17 years just for that?  If my memory serves me correctly, I simply just didn’t want the game to end.  I do that.  Leave books unfinished, leave movies before the end, compose music and leave the ending open, and I don’t know why.  I want time to soak into the experience and really savor it.  Perhaps I’m not so much a voracious consumer of entertainment but rather an appreciative connoisseur.  Back in 2004, I remember being at a drummer’s house that I was in drum corps with, and he was a stupid competitive type that turned everything into a pissing contest.  Once he found out that I had gotten all the way up to Ridley or something he set out to beat that game asap.  It was when he was at the final boss that I got my first glimpse of the future 15 years later.  Damn.  

Anyway, I beat Prime but I still have this amazing fully loaded Gamecube that has the OEM digital component cable, and Gameboy Advance player.  My next move was obvious.  I wasn’t done with the original Metroid Prime yet, not by a long shot!  If you’re a fan of Metroid, you love finding secrets and collecting all de tings.  To get the full original Metroid Prime experience, I had to play and beat Metroid Fusion for the Gameboy Advance.  I eBay-ed it up asap.  It’s kinda funny- Fusion showed up in the mail right on the day or day after I beat Prime.  Pretty cool.

Getting into Metroid Fusion was something I wasn’t ready for but always wanted.  It was Super Metroid that turned me into a fan.  The music, the beautiful colors, the crunchy explosions, and the search really got me looking in every nook and cranny in each level.  I wanted more and Fusion was it but I didn’t have a Gameboy Advance and wasn’t going to shell out even more money if I wasn’t going hard into games back then.  At that time I was so into music and rocking harder than life could offer that I just could not afford to allocate money toward a handheld that still was not backlit.  Fuck that.  When I saw pictures of Fusion all I could think was that it was Super Metroid 2.  After playing it, man, was I right about that.

Metroid Fusion is so amazing.  I love 2D Metroid-style games.  Hell, I spent a large part of 2018 playing through the indie game A Robot Named Fight on Steam and currently have a thoroughly played but not beaten Axiom Verge save file on my Wii U.  Again, Nintendo gave the signal and I had to run with it so here we are.  What I love about Fusion is quite a few things.  I love the graphics.  The colors are so vibrant and all the sprites look lively.  Even though the Gameboy Advance’s resolution is apparent on a 480p screen, it still plays amazingly.  The controls are tight and intuitive.  I did get lost a lot and backtracked often to find that random wall that needed to be blown through to progress to the next area.  I love how the security levels kept me from progressing just enough to experience the game unfold before me.  Oh man, I loved hiding from SA-X.  What a cool addition.  I swore a lot at the spider boss because it took me the most tries to defeat.  It was somewhere around that point where I thought that this game wasn’t for amateur platform players.  You really had to have a handle on things to get any further.  The moment Fusion Stole my heart was in chapter 11, at Plant Core X.

In Metroid Other M, there were oftentimes feelings of isolation and maybe even mild claustrophobia.  The same could even go for the final boss in Metroid Prime.  There’s something really gross-but-in-a-cool-way about destroying a slimy bug hive in a dark triple sub basement, especially if you have to spelunking your way to perform the extermination.  In Fusion, it’s sooo different, but the feeling is eerily similar in a way that I absolutely love.  When I first experience Plant Core X, I didn’t think I would be emotionally attached to my character.  I didn’t think I was Samus.  But then I kept getting dragged into the poisonous flower swamp that released deadly spores into the air in a wide horizontal sine wave pattern.  The music was minimal and just a little quieter than the rest of the game.  I kept trying to jump out of the swamp but I couldn’t get out.  It frustrated me because it interrupted my flow.  I felt helpless and that my situation was serious, even over my head.  I was suffocating.  I felt connected to Samus and like I had entered an extremely deadly area.  If Samus is an exterminator, this place was ground zero for the cause of everything in Fusion.  Don’t get me wrong- all the other bosses are vital to making up the game but at Plant Core X, Samus gets into deep shit.  Imagine that you’re stuck in a poisonous swamp or quicksand and you keep trying to jump out but the sludge keeps pulling you back in.  Now imagine all that while the air around you is raining poisonous dandelion seeds.  There’s no way you can’t get hit or sucked into the swamp.  What an amazing experience.  I couldn’t believe what I was feeling.  Here’s a YouTube link to this experience but it’s not me playing.  Whoever played in this video did way better than me but I think you can get an idea of what I’m talking about. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=347poZRrbrQ

Just last week I beat Fusion but didn’t do so well in collecting all the little things in the game. The final boss was cool and well drawn for the time period and hardware imho.  My main goal was to unlock the original NES Metroid in my copy of Metroid Prime on the Gamecube.  Since I have a Gameboy Advance that my dad found on a school bus and no kids claimed, I used it to link up to my cube with the Fusion cart and unlocked Metroid.  

That brings us to the current moment.  Today I figured out how to save my original Metroid game on the Gamecube.  This was a little confusing because the Gamecube controller doesn’t have a select button like the original NES.  Instead it’s the Z button.  To save while you’re playing the game, you need a second controller, just like in the original Legend of Zelda, and while paused push UP and A to initiate the save screen without dying.  

I can’t wait to get into it.  When the original Metroid screen comes up on my HDTV in a somewhat aliased 480p widescreen picture, I am immediately in a time warp.  Since I never played the original Metroid as a kid, my only memories of that game are from looking at strategy guides that didn’t show you everything.  I didn’t think much of it then because Mario was it.  I used to watch the title screen to Zelda II: The Adventure of Link over and over again as a kid and look into the stars on the screen and just wonder endlessly about anything. It cast a spell over me or something; I was captivated.  With Metroid, the original, it is now happening again. The game is brand new to me and I couldn’t give a care to anything modern as far as gaming and technology if I tried.  The stars in the background, the blinking letters of METROID, the fairly quick opening sequence loop-  all of this shows me that I’ve never grown up from being a kid after all.  I’m still the same after all these years.  The world can only help me build character and deep down I’m just the same kid that gets filled with endless wonder when 8 bit Nintendo does it’s thing.  Amazing.

For a current side note, I’d like to add that in Fusion, you can hear sound effects that are similar to those in the Virtual Boy’s Galactic Pinball.  Although the composer for Fusion was not the same as Galactic Pinball, Galactic Pinball’s composer was the same for Super Metroid and Mike Tyson’s Punch Out: Kenji Yamamoto.  You can hear similarities everywhere like Yamamoto was consulted often.  And if you’re not aware, Galactic Pinball does have a miniature Metroid space shooter game as a bonus easter egg on one of the tables. I like to think that only the hardcore Nintendo fans know this.  

Anyway.  I’ll report back as soon as more progress is made with the original Metroid.  In the meantime, here is my most recent Twitter post with a pic documenting where things are at.  

https://twitter.com/VeryBadTim/status/1100219464585490434