#welcome to emi's insanity

[a-romantics-guide-to-life]

╰┈ 𝓶𝔂 𝓳𝓸𝓵𝓵𝔂 𝓼𝓪𝓲𝓵𝓸𝓻 𝓫𝓸𝓵𝓭 ┈➤

𝓼𝓾𝓶𝓶𝓪𝓻𝔂 : when sailing, pirates, fishermen, and the navy alike follow three simple rules. one, respect the sea and all of its wealth. two, stay alive. and number three, when you see any kind of merfolk, don’t wait, just shoot.

𝓽𝓻𝓲𝓰𝓰𝓮𝓻 𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 : mentions of injury, blood, shooting, drowning, descriptions of anatomy,

𝓪/𝓷 : based on @francixoxoxo's beautiful pirate!billy x mermaid!reader au! i haven't stopped thinking about this au so here is my take on it! hope you enjoy!

Every sailor knows that the ocean hosts the biggest mysteries of man. From the gaping depths that not even the dead can reach, to the beauty of the reefs and fish that swam the waters blue. And, yet it is still unknown to man the difference between a mermaid and a siren. 

See, sirens be a dangerous thing. Heavenly and beautiful, but deadly nonetheless. They’ve got no human in them, making humans their number one prey. They’ll lure you in with a song so sweet, you’ll hear the tune for the rest of your life. They’ll trick you with their beauty. Their scales shimmering in the light, even offering them modesty by covering the swells of their breasts. But, as soon as any sailor lets their guard down, they reveal their fangs. 

They drag sailors and fisherman alike down, drowning out their screams as the sirens sink their fangs into the flesh of man. Which is why, sailors alike all follow three very simple rules all of equal value.

Number one, respect the sea and its wealth. Do not take it for granted for you may find your fishing nets empty or even your ship wrecked.

Number two, stay alive. This one should be very self-explanatory, yet some still decide to throw themselves overboard anyway. They clearly didn’t get the message.

And number three, when you see any kind of merfolk, don’t wait, just shoot.

Billy never understood these rules, he always thought they were contradictory. How can one respect the sea when one is expected to shoot its people on sight? He loved the sea and would never dare to shoot someone who called the deep blue home. Which is why he prayed that he would never encounter any merfolk on his excursions at sea.

Even his family, a family of sailors and navy men alike, had never encountered merfolk. Billy had grown up with a father that told stories of his and his crew's trips out on the sea. His mother had grown up right on the beach, sharing stories that her fisherman father had told her. His own brother, Jo, had always dreamed of sailing away on the deep ocean blue and finding adventure. Jo would often beg his older brother to take him out on the small sailing boat that their father had made just for the two of them. And of course, Billy would oblige.

He’d get the sail ready and he would hoist Jo up and onto the boat before pushing away from the shore. Billy would quickly jump on to the mini boat, causing it to rock back and forth as the sounds of Jo laughter and their parents shouts of care. He would steer the ship left and then right, zig zagging on the ocean. Finally, once night fell, Billy would help Jo lay down on the deck, pointing out constellations.

“You see that one, o’er then Jo? That one is called the North star.” Billy would point up, his finger seemingly touching the bright star as it glimmered in the dark night sky.

“N why is that Billy?” Jo would ask, bringing his hand up next to his brother, reaching his hand so that hopefully, it would be as long as his older brothers. Billy would chuckle and lower his arm, noticing his little brother. Billy would then wrap an arm around Jo as he helped Jo sit up, slowly steering them back to shore.

“That’s cause it leads true north Jo. It’s mighty helpful to us sailors so don’t you forget it.”

Once they reached shore, their Ma would already have dinner cooked, most likely seafood stew or grilled fish depending on what was caught that week. Their Pa would be awaiting them, blankets in hand, asking about their adventure. Jo would then happily tell his Pa everything Billy had taught him, from how to steer the boat to everything about the stars. 

It was on nights like those that Billy wished that he was with them. The stars glittering in the skies while Billy sailed never failed to make him homesick. When he had finally become old enough to sign himself up on a crew with his friend Jesse Evans, Billy waved bye to his parents and Jo embarked on a fishing boat. He continued to write to his brother about his adventures as a sailor as the crew slowly but surely grew. Billy found that he had more and more to write about as they traveled quite frequently, selling all that they fished to the locals in the town or even trading them for other commodities. Slowly, their crew grew and their ship became lively with the chatter of the boys dreaming about the ladies in the next port town they anchor in. 

Billy never joined in on conversations like those. He didn’t dream about one night stands with women who’ll forget your name by morning. No, Billy dreamed about love so grand that it’d contest his love of the ocean and his family. He yearned for a love so wrong that it felt right. He couldn’t help but look at the ocean, praying to the big blue that he would find someone who'll love him as he loved her.

As he gazed up at the stars that night, Billy played the fiddle and sang to the ocean about adventure and love hoping that it would sing right back to him.

You had always wanted to see the stars.

Your father, however, had forbidden it. You see, your father was part of the surface guard, a special force that protected the mermaids and mermen from reaching the surface where the sirens and human sailors were. Of course, as the daughter of the captain of the guard, you had a duty to your father to set a good example for the others in the reef you lived in. Yet, that didn’t stop your curiosity towards humans and the upper world. Your very own mother had been the same way, a likely reason your father hated you took after her. After all, it was that very wonderful curiosity she had that ended up leading to her death. 

You were young when she was harpooned. Your mother had been checking up on your father since he was on guard duty that day. She loved visiting your father not only because she got to see the love of her life but also because she got glimpses of the surface. She even kept a detailed log of what she observed every time which she had passed on to you. 

But on that fateful day, she wouldn’t be able to write about the cruel sailors that caught a poor turtle in the net. She would never be able to tell you how your brave father had frantically thrown his spear to cut the net your mother was about to get herself tangled in.  And even your father would never be able to muster enough courage to tell you the sound he made when he saw the harpoon cut straight through your mothers chest, smile on her face as she whispered to your father one last time…

“I love you.”

He had changed after that day. He hated humans, even more than sirens who plundered their food stores and murdered mermaids and humans alike. He hated how you took after your mother, her eyes reflecting in your own. He couldn’t even bear the thought of losing you like he had lost your mother.

So, he cracked down on the siren and human infestation. He shot and killed any man that drifted close into their reef. He also made sure that no mermaid or merman ever reached close enough to the surface to get harpooned. 

Of course, that didn’t stop you from breaking your fathers rules. Turns out, there was a shipwreck not even an hour swim away from your darling reef. You loved visiting it even if it was well within harpooning range of the sailors that sailed right above it. That didn;t stop you though. You loved looking through the chests of treasures like human clothes and even a human gun. You loved all the thinga-majigs you found, even if no one was with you to admire it. 

Although, your favorite part about the shipwreck was that it was close enough to the surface for you to get a glimpse of the bright lights that littered the night sky. You had never dared to go above the surface. The old women in your reef telling stories about mermaids who became sirens the minute they breathed in fresh air. No mermaid in their right mind would ever want to become a siren so of course, all the young mermaids did their best to stay away from the surface. Even you were still a little afraid of the surface and the air above. 

And yet, that didn’t stop you now. 

Although in truth, the position you found yourself currently in was just a big instance of wrong place at the right time. 

You were just swimming to your little hideaway when you suddenly got caught in a big confrontation between a group of guards and sirens. One of the other sirens had pulled you into their group, not realizing that you were a mermaid. But of course, out of fear, you had clammed up because who knew what they would do to you if they found out you weren’t one of their own. You had followed them, making sure that your hair covered your breasts in fear they would see the peaks and murder you in an instant. 

So you swam, watching the sirens in fascination. Soon, you came upon a human ship, nets in the water and anchored down. The sirens surely got into position, swarming around the ship, slowly humming. One of the sirens pushed you, shoving you into formation. Slowly, each of the sirens started singing. The tune was haunting yet beautiful. Yet, as you slowly reached the surface, you heard another voice singing. This one wasn’t as perfect or smooth as a pearl, it was deep and rough. That’s when you spotted him. 

Up on the ship, sat a human. His face twisted in concentration as he hummed the harmony to the stringed instrument on his shoulder. His chin rested on the tail end of the instrument as he used a long, hairy stick to hit the strings producing a tune so unique and unlike anything you had ever heard. His lips pursed as he hummed louder, the softer. He had hair that looked so soft as if it were the algae that stuck to rocks. And once he opened his eyes, his deep blue ocean eyes widened in panic as he pulled himself away from the raised edge of the boat.

The other sirens had started to sing along to the tune of the human, lulling some of the sailors to whisk their heads over the edge, nearly falling overboard. Some ran back and yelled commands at the others. Your heartbeat spiked, and you felt your skin grow colder and colder with each breath you took of fresh air. You had even forgone looking up at the stars you had so desperately wanted to look at. Your chest started to heave up and down and in fear, you looked down at your breasts, relieved to see that they were still peaked. Those old ladies were just lying, truly a relief. 

What wasn’t a relief was the fact that Billy had been so ignorant of his surroundings while he was playing his fiddle that he didn’t see the merfolk that had flocked to the ship. They had started singing the song Billy had been playing, an old sea shanty about a sailor named William. Their voices creeped up on the sailors as Billy had rushedly started yelling to the crew. Yet that didn’t stop mermaids singing. He rushed to the weapon stores, as did Jesse and many others. Billy rushed as he quickly reloaded the rifle while jogging to his station. 

The sirens continued to sing their haunting tune, their voices growing as they moved closer and closer to the ship. You had followed them of course, adrenaline running high in your veins as you felt your heartbeat in your ear. The sirens had all started to claw their way aboard the sailors ship, all reaching up to the sailors demurely. They put their arms out in front of them, as if inviting the sailors to hoist them up onto the deck. 

Suddenly, a loud bang rang out and the sirens hissed as their fangs came out. They used their specially made algae nets to latch onto the sailors and pull them down into the water. You hurriedly swam away from the commotion as other sirens had also started to flee.

“Filthy little mermaid.” You heard hissed before suddenly being thrown back. You were tossed around as the sirens pushed past you as more and more bangs were heard. You felt small bullets like the one you had found in the human gun whizz past you. You turned to the ship, looking up at the skies that were littered with dots of bright lights. You closed your eyes and prayed that Poseidon would allow you just a few more minutes before sending you to see your mother again.

Billy was frozen, rifle in arm, aimed right at one of the merfolk. His finger was on the trigger, ready and waiting to release a bullet, yet his finger lay frozen as well. It was pure chaos on the ship. Sailors yellin’ and shootin’ the damned sirens that surrounded their ship, trying to pull the sailors down for a quick bite. They were fighting tooth and nail to scatter the merfolk. Many of them had fled and very few were still trying to drown them. 

Still, there was one that lay just below the surface of the water. She had seemed different to the other sirens. Her hair was long and flowy and her breasts were nippled just like a woman’s. But it was her tail that completely threw Billy off. It was slowly moving back and forth, its iridescent color changing in the moonlight as she moved. Once it was pale pinks and blues, then it was bright green and purple. It was like no gem Billy had ever seen yet his gun was aimed right at her. The other sirens' tails were murky colors, drained and tired. Her’s was bright and full of life. Her eyes were trained on the starry night sky just like Billy’s were not even ten minutes ago.

“Oh Kid, ya’ gonna shoot ‘er or what? What’re ye’ waitin’ for?” Jesse yelled at him, Billy turned around and saw Jesse with the harpoon ready and waiting. Billy panicked and shot without really aiming. 

In a flash, you also panicked and swam as quickly as you could to the underside of the ship where most of the sirens had hid. Blood started tainting the water red from where the ocean eyed sailor had shot you. Red hot searing pain rippled through your body as you clamped a hand over the wound on your torso. You looked around, curious because none of the other sirens were attacking you viciously as the people in the reef believed. That is when you noticed how they were working together, slowly rocking the boat left to right. They were going to topple the ship over so that the sailors would drown. The other sirens continued to attack the sailors as more and more bullets whizzed through the water.

Billy had noticed the ship slowly starting to rock. His heart raced as he prepared himself for the worst. He quickly ran to Jesse explaining what he thought was happening. Billy believed that there were sirens underneath the ship, rocking the ship back and forth to topple it over. And that the sirens attacking them were merely a distraction to keep the sailors busy instead of sailing away. Of course, Jesse slowly also started to notice the rocking.

Jesse yelled at the crew, opening the sails and getting the row boats ready just in case. They slowly started to rock more and more. Suddenly, rain started pouring and the wind picked up, moving the ship slowly as it started to rock more and more. 

One of the newer crewmates screamed as he fell overboard, barely catching the taffrails of the ship. Billy ran over to help the poor guy when a siren latched onto his legs, trying to pull him down. The boy's cries for help grew louder and louder as Billy reached for any weapon he could pry the siren off of the sailor with. He found a harpoon in hand and Billy paused. He knew he shouldn’t but it was either the young sailor or the siren. Billy aimed and then the siren screeched out in pain falling down, down, down. He hoisted the young boy up as the boat continued to rock.

You saw the siren harpooned in front of you, the sirens screaming out in madness. After all, the sirens were one big family. They cared for each other, that much you could tell as all the sirens banded together to avenge their fallen sister. You wondered if that was what your father had seen when your mother was harpooned. Had he seen the skin go sickly pale and red enveloped his vision? Or had he seen her scales go brittle and her tail seize up? In honesty, you didn’t want to know because if he had seen something even remotely similar to what was in front of you, you knew you wouldn’t want to relive that nightmare again.

You swam up to watch what the sirens would do. All at once, sailors and fish as cool as ice were falling into the sea as the sirens ripped and gnawed at the sailors ship. You saw the sailor shoot more and more of the sirens as you had been shot. But, one of the sailors, the one with deep blue eyes, was weaponless. He was trying to get some of the other sailors to put away their harpoons. Why? You didn’t know or understand. 

Suddenly, the ship started to sink, more of the sirens pulling the sailors down. The ship suddenly split into two, pieces of wood covering the sea and your view. You started to swim when you saw sailors swimming away or continuing to shoot and harpoon the sirens. Slowly, prey in tow, the sirens started swimming away one by one. You too started to swim away when you noticed the blue-eyed sailor. His face calmed as he shut his eyes and moved his lips slowly.

When Billy had been pulled underwater, the first thing he thought of was his poor mother. How would she take the news of his death, he wondered. How would lil Jo take it? His father would be furious, that's for sure. Not only at the ocean but the merfolk as well. Would anyone else mourn Billy? That, he was unsure of. He had closed his eyes, resigning to his fate. And yet, he was happy to have died this way. In the arms of his favorite place. The water didn’t feel cold or deadly, it was suddenly warm and enveloping. He thanked God like his mother had for being granted this life, no matter how short it was. He thanked Poseidon as his father had for being granted this death. Slowly Billy lost consciousness as could no longer hold his breath, letting water take over his body and wash him away from the land of the living.

You, on the other hand, had started to hoist the sailor up towards the surface. He was by no means light, making your tail work extra hard just to slowly reach the surface. Once you had, it was just a matter of where the closest beach was. You didn’t want to leave the man for dead because after all, he tried to stop his friends from outright harpooning them. Sure, he may have shot at you with a gun but wounds like those were easy to heal. You had started to swim to shore, remembering every so often that humans couldn’t breathe underwater. Once you finally reached the shore, you lay him down on the sand. His eyes were still closed so you checked if he had any life left in him. You pressed you ear to his chest, hoping that men too had hearts that beat like yours. You felt the slight rhythm so you decided to hit his chest hoping that it would get the water out of his weak human lungs. 

Up close, he was beautiful, you thought. He looked so different to the mermen in your reef. You traced his jaw with your hands as you felt the slight roughness of his chin. You moved the hair away from his forehead, noticing how light it felt. You pressed down on his chest again, hoping that it would finally wake him up. What good was it if he just ended up dying after you had brought him back to land? You opened his mouth, noticing how soft his lips felt. You recalled how your father said that humans breathed out deadly gasses while merfolk breathed out air that humans could breathe which is why sailors alike looked to be kissed by mermaids many moons ago. Then, you lightly pressed your lips to his, breathing out air into his lungs. 

Billy woke up with a start. He turned to his side and coughed out water, his throat burning from the salt and expelling the water. His eyes squinted underneath the harsh sun he found himself under. He looked around, taking in the beach that he now lay upon. That's when he finally saw you. His eyes trailed down from your face all the way down to your gem-like tail. 

Billy noted your beauty that was incomparable to any other woman he had ever seen. Your hair was silky and your eyes were big and bright. He saw your bare breasts that seemed like they would fit perfectly in his rough hands. You were looking at him with those glowy eyes of yours, your head tilted. 

“Well good morning sunshine.” You smiled brightly at him.

“G’morning darlin’,” he smiled back, you noticed how boyishly he smiled much like the young boys in your reef, “Ya’ wouldn’t happen to know where we are, would ya?”

“Well, no, I don’t. But,” you practically sang, you voice sweeping over Billy like a tsunami,” its land. And there should be a human town somewhere over there.”

“So not only did ya make sure I didn’t drown, ya also brought me to land where I can breathe?”

“Well isn’t that a silly question,” you giggled, chuckling at how silly he was. You found yourself entranced by him and you didn’t even know his name. 

And that feeling was reciprocated. Billy found himself enchanted by you, of course, probably because you were merfolk. He didn’t think you were a siren though, but he had been taught that sirens and mermaids are one in the same.

“Well, since ya did all that for me, thank you. Really.” Billy had sat up and brushed a lock of your hair behind your ear. You then pressed your cheek against his hand, reveling in the warmth of his palm. 

“Then I suppose you're welcome, human.”

“I do have a name y’know,” he laughed.

“And yet you still haven’t told me exactly what that name is. Shame, I suppose I’ll just have to call you human from now on.” 

“Then I suppose I'll have to call you darlin’ from now on. Though I wouldn’t mind you calling me Billy, seein’ as it’s my name ‘n all.”

“Sounds like a deal, sailor.” You smiled, slowly splashing your tail around in the water. He asked your name so you told him in that sweet voice of yours. Billy found himself wanting to talk more and more to you, he wanted every single laugh and chuckle to himself. He was selfishly in love with you.

And you had found yourself wanting to know more and more about Billy. You wanted to know more about the story behind the sailor, wanted his deep and smooth voice to drown you like the sirens had drowned the humans. Both of you willing to drown as long as it was with each other. Billy had found that the sea did sing his song back and you had found that the sea led you right to its biggest treasure. 

Respect the sea and all of its treasures, they said. And it, too, will give you treasure.

I had so much fun writing this and would love to hear your thought on my rendition of this au! Love love love @francixoxoxo's beautiful mind and this beautiful au!

[a-romantics-guide-to-life]

OMG SO EXCITED!!!!!

sneak peek at what's to come!!

𝖎𝖒𝖒𝖆 𝖋𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙 𝖆 𝖒𝖆𝖓 (billy the kid)

The war was fought hard by those seeking justice from those who abused their power and by those who sought to keep control over the migrants moving west and the Mexicans in the area.

𝓶𝔂 𝓳𝓸𝓵𝓵𝔂 𝓼𝓪𝓲𝓵𝓸𝓻 𝓫𝓸𝓵𝓭 (billy the kid)

They drag sailors and fisherman alike down, drowning out their screams as the sirens sink their fangs into the flesh of man.

𝓸𝓷𝓬𝓮 𝓾𝓹𝓸𝓷 𝓪 𝓭𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓶 (billy the kid)

He helped you put the flowers in the vase, his hands holding the stems as he now held your heart.

𝖒𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖞, 𝖕𝖔𝖜𝖊𝖗, 𝖌𝖑𝖔𝖗𝖞 (coriolanus snow)

You knew Coriolanus was an ambitious man. What you didn't know know was that to win, he would do anything necessary, even discard you.

𝖎 𝖜𝖆𝖓𝖙 𝖎𝖙 𝖆𝖑𝖑 (coriolanus snow)

He had found himself fascinated by you. Your eyes, your hair, your lips, he was entranced.

also tagging these beautiful beans (definitely not because i also don't know other people i see you franci) GO CHECK THEM OUT!!!!

@francixoxoxo @runningfrom2am @milliesfishes

Last Line Tag

SOMEONE, we won’t mention any names because Abby would be embarrassed, forgot to tag me, so I’m doing it MYSELF🤭

Rules: in a new post, show the last line you wrote (or drew) and tag as many people as there are words (or as many as you like).

I have quite a few, so buckle up!!

Untitled Hiccup whump one shot:

“If you don’t improve by tomorrow night, I’m getting Mala,” she said decidedly, hoping he wouldn’t argue. He weakly nodded his head. Whether he was falling asleep or his feverish brain didn’t quite comprehend what she said, she wasn’t sure. But at least he wasn’t disagreeing with her this time.

Journey to the Archipelago:

“Probably been eaten by a dragon,” Eugene muttered goodnaturedly. Piglard stifled a laugh, giving his brother a look that said yeah, probably. Hiccup smiled, then walked back to Astrid, putting his arm on her shoulders. 

Untitled Reid one shot that’s- you guessed it!- WHUMP:

JJ nodded, taking her phone out and walking to the opposite end of the waiting room.

An untitled HTTYD/Musketeers AU:

“Oh, also we told Tuff to charge you for it,” Snotlout called out as they exited the tavern.

“I have GOT to be better about my word choicing,” Damien muttered, sitting back down.

Justice Served:

“Such praise,” d’Artagnan replied. Despite not being able to see him, Francis could tell he was rolling his eyes. “Anyway, I better go before Rochefort sends someone to kick my door down. See you later.”

Aaaand an untitled TJ and Olive one shot:

“Well, good,” she said, shifting her attention back to the magazine. “Because that’s what you’re getting.”

I don’t know who to tag, so writers?? Have at it!!🩷

[yzzart]

WHEN I WAS LED TO YOU... ── KENJI SATO

── summary: Kenji could get used to his routine, but, only with you by his side.

── word count: 982!

── warnings: F!reader, nothing intense, mention of Emi and Mina, Kenji being a little needy.

“Come on…” — A voice, entering the melody with softness and familiarity, passed through the player’s ears. — “…i know you’re awake.” — The statement was accompanied by a laugh.

Kenji could easily — in fact, completely — conclude that that voice belonged to an angel; even though he doesn't admit to being so religious, openly. — By having his eyes closed, in satisfied tiredness and drowsiness, he was more likely to believe in his conclusion.

Even in unpleasant, unstable situations and, insanely, worries about his life — like worrying about his stats in games, trying not to destroy the city while fighting some monster, and teaching Emi something practical and not blunt — and not wanting to hear or see nothing in front of him, Kenji had his refuge; a place to feel safe and at peace, at home.

“Ken…” — You voice pleaded, with more sweetness and, trying, to mix a little seriousness. In addition to moving between the thin, silky sheets of your body, wanting to get even closer to the boy.

In fact, he could melt into the bed, right there, just to hear your voice crying out to him like that.

Releasing a brief sigh, and pulling a breathing line, inhaling your scent, which was stuck to the pillow, Kenji tried to communicate with a mumble; which even he himself had no chance of understanding. — Perhaps, his consciousness still remained trapped in his sleep.

Because you found his action funny, your laugh, a little more hoarse, enveloped Ken's ears again; automatically forming a placid smile on his lips. — Moving his head, the young boy, with his eyes sensitive to the light, comes across your image resting on the pillow and covered, just enough, with the white sheet.

Sato was mentally grateful for the privilege of waking up every day with this vision.

"Good morning, my love." — You said, without holding back your wide smile; something that captivated and welcomed Ken's chest. — Your orbs moved, without haste or greed, across the boy's face, memorizing, for countless times, every little dot that existed in the region.

"Morning..." — He replied, followed by a yawn and another grumble; a sudden and unexpected movement was caused in the bed, obviously, it was the player's body snuggling against your. — Like he wants to fit in with you. — "What time is it please…?"

“Hm…” — Your eyes crossed the clock next to the bed. — “Soon, it will be 9:30.” — With his head buried in your neck, Sato let out a whimper, causing a tickle.

“It’s not possible…” — He complained, almost whimpering; as a sign of caress, your hand entered your lover's soft black hair, causing affection and tenderness.

The oldest settled down, and, briefly, relieving a growl, memorizing a purr; feeling on your skin, a satisfied smile adored by the attention. — A true paradise for young Sato and he had no problem admitting it.

“I think someone forgot about the interview they promised for today, right?” — He definitely forgets; by the way his head moved from where it was, and how wide his eyes were, Ken had nowhere to run. — “Yeah, you forgot.” — You raised one of your eyebrows.

“Wasn’t it due tomorrow?” — He questioned, still not believing and with some messy black locks standing out on her forehead. — “I’m sure i had it scheduled for tomorrow.” — He rushed into words. — “Actually, i’m not so sure.”

End of the season, therefore, decisive games for the team and more efforts towards a high level of dedication; it also meant several interviews and moments of questioning about the games, his teammates and his personal life. — Sato understood that it was important, of course, it was part of being a baseball star, however, when trying to balance his life as an Ultraman, a player and, recently, the father of a giant baby lizard, it wasn't such a simple thing.

He wasn't alone, not to mention Mina, and, thankfully, he had you by his side. — Trying, as much as possible, and persisting in helping him; even when, thinking about your care and certain risks, he warned you that he didn't need it. — Evidently, the guidelines were not followed, for a pleasant reason. — And now, seeing you taking care of Emi, as if she were your child, lit up Sato's eyes.

“It really is today, Ken.” — You confirmed it and, unsurprisingly, another wave of mumbles and incomprehensible words and rolled eyes. — “At least, it will be the last one before they enter the rest period.” — Your hand moved along Sato's long, strong, bare arm, reinforcing his attention.

“At least there is a bright side.” — He murmured, shaking his head, prolonging his thoughts, at the same time, reusing the contact of your hand against his skin. — “I need to take a break.” — He said, turning towards you. — “Urgently.” — Like a somewhat defenseless creature, he returned to his comfort, now, with his head under your chin.

"I know, honey." — Your fingers stroked Kenji's hair, for the second time, while his arms wrapped around your waist, squeezing you, with the need to keep you close to him. — “And you will soon.” — Subtly, and delicately, your voice soothed him. — “Don’t worry about Emi, i’ll take care of her for today.” — Kenji thanked, once again and mentally. — “And maybe we’ll make a list of what we can do during these days off and she’ll go along with us.”

Your boyfriend's familiar, radiant laugh spread throughout the room, resounding in your chest. — For a short time, Kenji had understood his relationship with Emi and achieved a paternal image; visibly, it wasn't just him. — The small, and immense, baby witnessed you as a second mother.

“Yes, yes, of course.” — He pulled away, coming face to face with you, looking into your eyes, in pure ecstasy and passion. — “You’re the best, dear.” — Bringing his lips to your forehead, Kenji gave you a long, careful kiss.

[blakbonnet]

💌 🫣🩷

Ara my beloved, I've been writing and sending these love notes these past few days and ever since Emy started this amazing thing of jumpscaring us with love, unprompted, I've been thinking of how Ara-coded this love fest has been 🥹 so in a few of these notes, people have been sharing who welcomed them into the fandom and made the horrors go away and to me, that will always be you.

I DM'd you that first day I landed here after seeing your amazing gifs and had my dick blown clean off my body with how talented you were and just so down to earth, and you were (and still remain) just the kindest person ever, showing me even more cool gifmakers to follow, and then staying in touch with my lame ass.

I know this is a show that preaches being true to yourself and staying grounded, treating people the way you want to be treated despite the badmintons of the world trying to bring everyone down but I'm always so pikachu faced when I see people who are just like that - you being on top of that list.

You embody everything a fandom is supposed to be and while that seem like a problematic statement in general, it just means that to you, fandom is and always been about being kind and having fun. You are not here to rumble with people, you are here to bring top quality personally curated Ed and Stede smut into our DMs and to help me get a grip on the horrors at the sight of Stede's Prince Albert piercing 😈

Ilysm and I genuinely cannot imagine being as invested in this show if I didn't have you to go insane with ❤️

Mutuals send me 💌 and I'll tell you how much ily

[yaboirezzy]

What headcannons do u have regarding the yureimoto family? Any ideas what kind of kids fumi/haru & ken/ena might have?

Fumiko

- Being the eldest, she obviously went through a Candace/Lori phase when she was younger, nowadays she acts more like a responsible but fair eldest, but some cracks slip here and there

- Haru is her emotional support kappa

- "Being the eldest is hard, cause your own siblings could take you down" *chaos and destruction ensues behind her* "Belive me I know"

Kentaro

- He's a born party animal

- He sometimes rope Haru and Kenji into what he calls "Boys Night Out" where they go around and scare some so called 'Paranormal Hunters' which they become a squad because of it with Sam as the newest member

- "That's called "Boy Hunting" Ha ha ha!"

Ena

- She's the yokai Embodiment of Spongebob

- Her and Rin are parallels to Emily and Erma (which also makes Rin her Squidward)

- "*ecstatic laugh after some cotton candy and 'bang' drinks*"

Rin:" Ugh, when is the sugar gonna wear off?!"

*Ena passes out*

Yori

- She's just a tired mom man, give her a break

- She's calm on the outside but inside she's about to break

- Emiko: "Yori? are you okay?"

"Emi, I'm literally going INSANE" *teacup breaks'

Fumiko: "Yori! Here's another- ....tea"

Rin: "I gave her that teacup for her last birthday..."

Rin

- Looks like she could kill you, she's actually a cinnamon roll

- Likes to bite people randomly when she's younger

- Young Ena: "Fumiko! Rin is trying to eat me again!"

Mayumi

- She has a lot to say to others, mostly positive but also some negative

- Don’t call her slenderwoman, like how you shouldn't call Emiko 'Samara/Sadako'

- *Other yureimotos are wasted at a party*

'Each and every one of you is a huge disappointment in my face'

As for fankids, I feel like you have the right idea with FumiHaru, but for EnaKen I don't really have an idea yet

(I'll have you know that I did this while buying groceries, so you're welcome)

[sgt-celestial]

i like how my old mutuals are rediscovering this blog after my year away at supernatural camp. you guys have no idea of tribulations i have been through

[pluckyredhead]

Apparently DC is OBSESSED with giving long-established characters Surprise! New! Siblings! lately, so I have decided as a public service to rank them from worst to best, because I’m generous like that. You’re welcome.

5. Wonder Woman’s brother Jason: It was bad enough when DC decided to shove men into Diana’s backstory in 2011 by making her the daughter of Zeus, but giving WONDER WOMAN a brother in a desperate attempt to make her story more about a dude is a degree of tone deafness I remain truly astonished by six years after his debut. Is this asshole still alive? Is he in continuity? DC doesn’t know or care and neither do I. Let’s never speak of this again. Verdict: Offensively garbage.

4. Lois Lane’s brother Leo Lane, a.k.a. “the Daemon Rose”: Speaking of characters who absolutely do not need more pointless men stuffed into her life to make her interesting! (Not you, Clark, you’re an angel and we’re thrilled that you’re here.) Leo is less offensive than the “I have to put a man on Themiscyra or I’ll die!” instinct, but on the other hand he showed up in the middle of a multi-year, utterly incomprehensible storyline to spew empty Bendisisms that went nowhere before disappearing. He was an enormous bombshell that landed and instead of exploding, just sort of sat around like a turd until the event was  mercifully over. Also, the name “the Daemon Rose” is breathtakingly 90s and, as the kids say, cringe. Verdict: Less offensive than Jason, but still garbage.

3. Dick Grayson’s sister Melinda Zucco: “Dick finds out his father had an child with the wife of the man who would eventually murder both of Dick’s parents” is the kind of plot device that inspires a put-upon sigh, but Melinda herself is fine. Like, the whole idea makes me tired, but there’s at least the potential for some interestingly complicated stories to come out of it. I’ll allow it, begrudgingly. Verdict: Eh.

2. Damian Wayne’s brother Respawn: NOW THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! First of all, I one thousand percent buy that Ra’s al Ghul would make a clone out of Slade Wilson and Talia’s DNA just to be a petty little bitch. Second, watching Slade go bonkers insane over this kid because he’s projecting his guilt over Grant onto him is wildly entertaining. Third, the idea of Damian now being related to Rose and Joey is very intriguing, as is Respawn himself, because with that lineage he truly could go in any direction morally speaking and that’s fascinating. (I wonder if anyone’s ever going to get around to naming him? I vote...Jim.) But most importantly, spoiled youngest child Damian is now no longer the baby, and if you don’t find that absolutely hilarious, I’m sorry for you. Verdict: LOLOLOLOL.

1. Oliver Queen’s sister Emiko Queen: I love two things, and they are angry teen girl assassins, and Oliver Queen being befuddled by teenagers. Retconning away Shado’s post-Crisis history of sexually assaulting Ollie and replacing it with an affair with Ollie’s father was such a good choice, and the fact that it brought us my beloved Emi is a massive bonus. All I need now is for DC to publish a proper Green Arrow book so that Emi can meet Mia and Cissie and Ollie can never again know a moment’s peace. Verdict: Brilliant, incredible, showstopping, 10/10.

[haikyooot]

Err (on the side of Errand)

Pairing: Osamu x gn!reader

WC: 2k

Genre/Tags: romcom, meet-cute/meet-awkward, fake dating

A/N: For my first and one and only Cass @kuroowo​. Ultra happy belated LOL and thanks for joining the MYML event and taking a leap-of-faith. Banner is by Cass too!! I love this one, it just fits the story so well.

Osamu is two blocks away from the supermarket. He texts a line, "you owe me",  to Atsumu before shoving his phone into his pocket. It's an incredibly busy day for him and there are plenty of errands to run. He's still learning the ropes at a restaurant, but one day...one day he'll have his own! He's in such a rush he didn't even have time to take off his badge! And if he's so busy, why not put the errands off to another day? Well because every month on this day, the supermarket has its special sale. Sometimes it's on all brands of rice, other days it's on cleaning supplies. But today, it's extra special.

You are one block away from the supermarket. You peek at the time on your phone before tossing the device into your bag. It's not a good day for you, waking up with an awful crick in your neck. Your face is just a tad puffy from the excessive (but undeniably delicious) amount of sodium in the late-night "snack", followed by a super long day at work. And why, is it that despite how awful you feel on this otherwise lovely day, you are dragging yourself to the supermarket? Besides the fact that your fridge is beyond empty, it's of course because of the supermarket discount. Extra discounts.

Once you get past the sliding doors, it's just mayhem. Voices echoing, people rushing everywhere. You're lucky to pick up a basket that got pushed and forgotten in a corner. Somehow by following the waves of people, going along with the tide of the human sea, you manage to find yourself at the furthest end of the whole store. Absolutely not the snack aisle that you aimed to be at in the first place. You pick up a plastic basin and scrutinize the overly saturated hue. Do you need this? Ahh. You stack the bin back with its other friends and continue down the aisle hoping the other end will have some leeway.

Osamu enters and luckily obtains a basket from someone leaving already. He thanks them before going about to maneuver around crowds and goes to the vegetable section. But before he gets there, he passes through the snack aisle and sees a bag of rice crackers that he used to really like. Feeling a little nostalgic, he picks it up and looks at the same old packaging with the same contents. He and Atsumu used to fight over it, till the point their parents end up getting two bags and labeling them by each twin's name. That never worked because Atsumu gave no shits. That reminds him, maybe he'll get some pudding today too. The nice ones in the glass jar sold as a solo unit, not the three-pack.

As you make your way to the snack aisle from one end, while Osamu is whipping his phone out to take a picture of the snack to send to Atsumu, the loudspeaker sounds through the grocery store.

"Welcome to EMI'S! Your friendly neighborhood supermarket! Get your fresh greens! Your snacks! And all your home needs in one place! We're having our monthly special event today and it's a BIG one! Just today, couples get 50% off all fresh produce! And additionally, the first 100 couples at our register will also receive a deluxe voucher for a romantic dinner! Only while supplies last! One-stop to get your life together, only at EMI's!"

Well shit, you're alone. Couples. Couples. Couples. What sort of madness is that? It's at this point that you are standing near the middle of the aisle, holding a snack in one hand and the shopping basket in the other, staring. The man in front of you is insanely attractive. Broad shoulders tapering down to an impeccable waistline.

Osamu mulls over the announcement details, repeating the keywords in his head. 50% fresh produce? Damn, that is really nice. He should hurry to the produce section and go get all the rest of his groceries. He sees you...sees a familiar packaging that you're holding.

"Ah," he points at your hand, "that one is really good." He holds the one he just grabbed too.

His voice is pleasant and what you notice is that he's alone. You flash him a grin, "I know! Even though it's been so many years, the packaging design hasn't even changed yet either. I can notice it anywhere."

Osamu nods fervently, as though he has finally met someone of the same caliber, level of taste, as he. "The same company that makes it also came out with some new flavors, but I haven't tried them yet." He takes a few steps closer to you and points out the products on the shelves.

"Woah," you take a step to get a better look, "Okay, maybe I'll try something new today!"

From your current distance, you can easily see the inscription on the metal tag across his chest, Miya Osamu. He seems friendly. Come on just ask, you tell yourself. It's not as though it is real. Not as though you'll ever see him again. And if he's alone, then it's a win-win for both of you solo errand-runners.

"So—"

"Oh, those pudding cups are great!" He points out the glass pudding jars in your basket. "Where did you get them?"

You point behind you from where you came from. Right when you are also expertly about to add on your proposal to the end when Osamu's phone rings. Alas, that's how Miya Osamu, the fake boyfriend target zooms past you, screaming, "Shut up 'Tsumu" into the phone and going for what looks like the pudding.

You sigh and look at your shopping basket. If you can't get the discount, should you buy all of these? But you don't come here that frequently and you do need to stock up. Ramen. Ramen. Ramen. Hm. Yes.

It's been fifteen minutes after Miya Osamu walks past you, and now you are waiting in line for the cash register, behind a familiar person yet again. You recognize the dark t-shirt and shoulders; even with the subdued colors of the shirt, the fabric fits snugly around him and makes him look extremely handsome. Should you even bother to give another shot?

The current guests at the register are gathering their bags, ready to exit. A couple. Maybe it's at this specific instance and visual reminder, Miya Osamu finally recollects the complete loudspeaker announcement. As if the store picks up his confusion, the loudspeaker announcement sounds again, "Welcome to EMI's!"

Couples. COUPLES! Osamu wants to just scream. The couple leaves and the cashier waves a hand calling out, "Next in line." Osamu panics, getting ready to give up and gather the monstrous pile of groceries he's carrying and put them back where they belong, in utter shame and embarrassment. He wouldn't have bought this much today if there wasn't a special discount event. Hell, he even invited people over today...food on him. It's okay, Osamu tells himself. He has big boy money now from his job, it won't break his wallet completely.

Suddenly, he remembers how you wanted to tell him something earlier at the snack aisle. Seeing how you're alone right now too, Osamu dares to consider the possibility that you were going to propose acting as a couple at the register. But Atsumu just had to call and disrupt things at the time. And it's too late now because the cashier is right there and you're looking at your phone lost in thought.

"Ah Y/N!" Osamu calls out, "It's our turn." It's worth a shot, if not then he'll dig a hole and just jump into it. He tries his hardest to shoot a look at you. Please play along. Please understand the situation.

You look up from your phone, confused at the voice calling your name. How in the world does he know?! What's going on. Before you can even process your thoughts, Osamu comes by to take the basket from your hands and puts it on the belt.

"Aw! What a lovely couple! You two look absolutely adorable together!" the cashier granny coos.

The situation begins to unfold in the most bizarre way possible. Between nervous chuckles and each beep of items being weighed and scanned, you and Osamu stand in front of the register awkwardly. Pray tell, what kind of couple gives off the vibe of coming from the two of you?

"Got together not too long ago, huh?"

"W-what?" Osamu stammers, unsure how to even answer.

You glance at Osamu's face flushing in embarrassment and decide to answer. "Yep, just recently! First time grocery shopping together though, we were just looking at the snacks we liked when we were young. Lot's of similarities actually!"

"That's so sweet!" Cashier Granny comments, scanning the last item. "Looks like there's a feast going on! You two picked a good day to come. Okay. Now, factoring the discount, whew, it's this much." She taps the screen to show the total.

Both of you reach for the wallet at the same time. The Cashier Granny watches both of you with mirth in her wise, old eyes. She says something unexpected. "I can split it across two cards based on the basket," she offers.

But wait, does this mean that she knows? She hums an old tune while punching some numbers in and charges each card separately. You look at the screen and see that the discount is still there. And there aren't any questions either, so maybe you're just overthinking it?

The cashier granny gives Osamu a fancy envelope. "This is a coupon to the restaurant that we're partnering with. And lucky for the two of you! It's the 100th one. Last coupon we have!"

"Thanks," he says awkwardly, receiving the paper. Earlier, he was sure the two of you made it obvious that not only were you two not a couple, the two of you barely even knew each other. The whole show was a mess and beyond fake.

"That restaurant is really good!" Granny mentions, "really nice ambiance, the perfect place to get to know each other better." She finishes off with a wink.

Flabbergasted, you're about to make a retort when Osamu gathers up all the groceries and pulls you off to the side. The Granny only laughs and waves her hand to the next customer in line.

Outside EMI's, you feel your blood pressure just rising higher and higher. That granny knew. Of course, she knew, Osamu thinks to himself. It's just so obvious.

There is one question on your mind that you now suddenly remember. Squinting at Osamu, you break the silence and ask, "Oh yea, how did you know my name?"

Osamu gestures to your hip with his chin jutting out just slightly. "You didn't take your badge off...like me."

You follow his direction and glance down. Sure enough, your badge is still clipped there. Fair, he's just observant, sometimes.

"Cool."

Silence.

You take a deep breath, "So, I'll be going now, uhh Miya. Nice meeting you..."

"Wait!" Osamu calls you before you can leave. He struggles to balance all the bags of groceries that he has but manages to pull out the envelope coupon. "Um, this is for two people. Do you...Would you want to go? I recognize the name and it's pretty good I've heard."

Silence, as you try to process the situation. Osamu's phone rings again and he quickly sets his grocery down for a moment, scribbling something on the coupon and shoving the slightly crumpled envelope into your hand. He answers the phone but doesn't respond yet, still looking at you and attempting to convey his thoughts. "Hope to hear from you Y/N! Nice meeting ya," he glances at the phone briefly and turns his attention back to you momentarily, "and feel free to call me Osamu! Sorry, I really have to go."

Osamu takes a few more steps back, waving at you and telling his phone that "you're calling at a horrible time." He takes some more strides away and every now and then turns to see if you're still watching his leaving form. Two more awkward waves later, he's gone from your sight.

You finally start to walk in the other direction to where you came from. You pass the first block away from EMI's and arrive at a pedestrian crossing. While waiting for the lights to change, you decide to examine the envelope Osamu shoves into your hand. It's a messy but still legible scrawl.

Hi Y/N! If ya wanna go with someone else, here ya go. But maybe we can go together, this is my number.

You chuckle to yourself, should you?

"Should I?" you ask yourself aloud.

The pedestrian light turns green.

Yes.

[mytastessuck]

Gorillaz: Plastic Beach

mAh, nostalgia. This album was my high school years. I got a digital copy for my birthday from my mom and became obsessed with this album well into college. The dominance of electronica, the use of people with great voices, the expansion of the lore, Lou Reed...this album was all of music when I got it. It's my favorite Gorillaz album and it looks like it's gonna stay that way for a while. But how is it on a not even approaching semi-objective level? Let's find out.

1. Orchestral Intro

You can probably guess it by my awful taste but I'm not really into orchestra. This opening though, with the sound of waves and the mourning instruments, really tipped me off that I was in for something different. This album wasn't going to start off with something chill or even a zombie movie clip. No, at this point, Gorillaz were officially done fucking around.

10/10

2. Welcome to the World of the Plastic Beach

Then we get the brass leading us into a good beat and then HOLY SHIT, SNOOP DOGG?! He leads us in like a bandleader while a chorus of women back him up Just Like That while he goes with his usual flow. He adds the needed touch of instant cool to an album that's practically frozen with the artists already on it and with this song, it feels like you're walking past the gate into Disneyland.

9/10

3. White Flag

Some nice Arabian sounding instruments on this one. Pretty cool for Gorillaz to keep engaging in world music. Anyway, this was a really cool instrumental but it's time to move on to the other son---

Huh?

Suddenly, we get beeps and mixes backing up Bashy and Kano as they kick so much ass talking about pacifism for the sake of survival. This song kicks an undisputed amount of ass and it barely even tries.

9/10

4. Rhinestone Eyes

What I like about this song is that I keep finding new things to like about it as the years go back. First, I liked the weirdly-threatening nature of the song along with the woman moaning in time with the verses. Then I liked the video (even though it was insanely shady of EMI to release that without Damon's and Jamie's permission and it ended up being the thing that led to Phase 3's premature ending and Gorillaz going on hiatus). Then I liked the continuation of the moaning that I first noticed in live performances then finally heard in the song itself. This song is like Rolexes falling from the sky.

10/10

5. Stylo

Ah, the first single from the album. I remember telling my dad about this when I first saw the video for it. I was about to write off Gorillaz as a relic of my past before I saw Murdoc and 2D get run off the road by Bruce Willis. This song has an awesome bridge by Yasiin Bey, nice crooning by Damon Albarn and incredible back-up by Bobby Womack, who manages to lift the entire song over his head using just his voice. Damn, wish he had another song that put his voice on full display. Maybe later in the album...

10/10

6. Superfast Jellyfish

Yeah, De La Soul is back! And they're singing about TV dinners! Seriously, these guys can make guessing crossword actually fun instead of a dredging experience and have Shiny Toy Guns frontman Chad Petree singing about radioactive seas brings the whole thing home. It makes you want to really go out and eat a random jellyfish but don't do that. It'll hurt.

11/10

7. Empire Ants

Okay, before I give this song its totally fair score, it should be noted this is my third favorite song of all time. I love Damon's reassuring lyrics in the beginning but the switch in the middle to a more upbeat electronic pop tune pushes this song past perfect.

Then there's Little Dragon...

This song introduced to me to Yukimi Nagano's voice and wow...I didn't think humans could sound like that, let alone an Asian woman singing soul. If you think the instruments are carrying her here, obviously there are clearly no other songs on the album that showcase her talents so I have to recommend After The Rain, Twice and Constant Surprises by Little Dragon. Seriously, this woman's voice will water your fucking crops.

500/10

8. Glitter Freeze

Where is north from here? Don't ask me, I'm not a compass. Anyway, this song has Mark E. Smith from The Fall and they use him to his fullest extent...by which I mean letting him make an absolutely evil fucking laugh somewhere near the end. The instrumentation makes it feel like you're in a storm on a shaky ship and you're definitely going to feel like you need some pills after you're finished. This stuff will put hair on your chest.

11/10

9. Some Kind of Nature

This song introduced me to Lou Reed and I'm grateful to it for that. Lou was a shitty dude but damn his voice really made things better than they should have been. Fuck, I was one of the eight defenders of Lulu for this reason. But Damon doesn't sit with his thumbs up his ass on this song. He holds his own and makes the chorus sound legitimately dreamlike. All we are is stars, indeed.

100/10

10. On Melancholy Hill

This song is awesome to chill to...unless you're escaping a cruise ship while being gunned down by fighter jets. But other than that particular example, I recommend this song for anyone trying to relax while thinking of someone special. But be careful with the last note of this song. That gong can be a real eye opener.

9/10

11. Broken

Bummer of a song but if there's one song you absolutely NEED to learn on melodica, it's this one. Aren't we all broken? Well I am. And this song speaks to me.

10/10

12. Sweepstakes

Yasiin's back and there's gonna be trouble. He plays a carny in this track and you know that no matter how many times you listen to this song, you'll always gonna fall for his schemes. He's gone on to say that this is one of his finest achievements as a MC and I can see why.

10/10

13. Plastic Beach

Holy shit, they got the 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover guy on this track. Makes since because this, outside of Empire Ants, is my favorite song on the album. The harmony, the little imp they got for the bridge, the triangle...everything makes this song better than it has any right to be on an already awesome album. Damn, plastico indeed.

200/10

14. To Binge

Shock of all shocks, Yukimi's back! And it's a duet with Damon! And it's a song about a relationship torn apart by addiction! It's not my birthday so it must be Christmas. These two manage to drown the listen in waves of audio goodness that leaves them feeling like they spent 3 minutes and 56 seconds standing under a waterfall.

20/10

15. Cloud of Unknowing

Okay, I cried to this song. And now, with Bobby Womack's passing, I cry even harder. This song should be an anime ending with how solemn it is but you need to listen to the end to hear, "It may bring sunshine on its wings." Also, Damon covered this song live after Womack's passing. I suggest you look it up because it is tear-ripping.

50/10

16. Pirate Jet

Eh. Pretty average song compared to the others on the album but I appreciate the message. Sweet Lord, people. Turn off your shit when you're not using it. We only got one planet and I don't trust Elon Musk.

8/10

Album Score: 60.1/10

Whoo! No biases! Anyway, next week is The Fall, otherwise known as the album Albarn did on his Ipad. Otherotherwise known as the album a significant portion of the fandom has a hate-on for. Does it deserve the hate? We'll find out!

[a-romantics-guide-to-life]

i had a thought so HEAR ME OUT, so we know that billy runs from town to town but what if one time

he's riding out of a town that has already got his very wanted face up all over town so he has no choice but to ride away from that town and when while he's riding he finds a stream so he set's up camp for the night by the stream. he's already hunted his dinner and fed his horse, he has his fire and whatever he's eating roasting when he hears singing. gun at the ready, he's walking close and closer to the person singing when he see's you singing as you look for mushrooms or other plants by the stream. now billy can't stop staring at you, listening to the sweet melodic tune you're singing(i imagined this as 'i wonder' from sleeping beauty). he just can't take his eyes off of you and you finally turn to see him and you just greet him with a "why hello there" (with a lil wave or something).

and he is still just awestruck now that he can see your face, ofc he's in awe of your beauty. by now he's already holstered his gun and he just stands up walking to you with a little "howdy miss" and it just goes from there. you start talking, even asking if he'd like to stay with you for the night in your cabin where you were raised by your three aunts away from the corruptness of the town where billy had just run from (i also imagine that the aunts were away for the week selling their goods in town which is why you ask billy to stay over). i can also see billy teaching you about the world since you have been sheltered your whole life.

[hongism]

okay hi. so. first of all this incredible and stunning banner was made by the talented and lovely @hobiance​! the banner at the bottom was made by the equally talented and lovely thot @franklytae​, and i’m so so grateful to both of them for helping me out with this and am really touched to have their creations on this post. now. it is absolutely unreal that i am making this post. it’s crazy to see how my blog and i have grown in the past year and a half, and im so grateful for every single one of you who follows me, whether you are an active follower or not. also this is absolutely insane because in just six months you all have made my following nearly quadruple and that’s absolutely bonkers on so many levels. while 2020 has been tumultuous for us all, i cannot argue the fact that it has been my best year on tumblr so far. 

i have been able to meet so many fantastic people, grow friendships, grow my skills as a writer, gain confidence, and i have found friendships that are so treasured and valuable in so many ways. i’m really so so grateful for this platform and for the opportunity to share my work here with you all.

i really don’t know how to verbalize how i’m feeling because on one hand, followers are just a number and it’s unimportant in the long run. on the other hand i truly am grateful for every single one off you and i want you to know how grateful i am. but i really don’t want this to be about me because i really wouldn’t be on tumblr still without the people i’ve met along the way. through tumblr i have found lifelong friends who are beautiful inside and out and i will never stop being grateful to know them and walk this path alongside them. it’s truly a blessing and i feel so so lucky to get to know them. cue the ridiculously long tags of people whom i love and cherish so so much. i apologize in advance because no matter how many times i stare at this post and try to remember and get every single person who is valuable to me, i know i will inevitable forget someone so i am very very sorry if i miss anyone.

*•.¸♡ ✧ 𝓂𝓊𝓉𝓊𝒶𝓁𝓈 ✧ ♡¸.•*

@hobicomeholla29 @thatmultifandomhoe @yoongi-sugaglider @strawbxxymilk @meowxyoong @blondenamjin​ @dee-ehn​ @a-tiny-8iny​ @atiny-dazzlinglight​ @atiny-piratequeen​ @atiny-wooyoung​ @kesmonster​ @theredcarat​ @enchantedyeo​ @seonghwabrainworms​ @jintobean​ @jinterlude​ @joonsrack​ @moonmintrails​ @inkedxclouds​ @koophoriia​ @kimcritique​ @moonpjms​ @daechwlta​ @suhdays​ @ppersonna​ @vivpurple7​ @ironicarmy​ @joopiterjoon​ @btsxdoll​ @btsbiaswreckedwriting​ @minniepetals​ @chillingtae​ @searchingtae​ @ladyartemesia​ @staerrylights​ and many others who i literally cannot for the life of me remember right when it’s important aoifdjjioejsoi some of you guys i only really talk to on discord, but i think that’s where i talk to people the most anyways. i know im really bad at following people so i may miss a few of you here and there, but know that our friendship through tumblr and discord is so valuable and important to me and im grateful for all of you 💕

*•.¸♡ ✧ 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓉𝓈 ✧ ♡¸.•*

@yolokoo​ @franklytae

hhhhh you two little shits honestly i know i won’t be able to tell the two of you how much you mean to me because words are Hard. still i am so so lucky to know the two of you and so so lucky to be able to be friends with you two. y’all know i would swing so fucking hard for you that i would dislocate a shoulder but it would be worth in. i love you both so so much and know that no matter what paths we all take in life, i will always be here to support you and cheer you on along the way

*•.¸♡ ✧ 𝓂𝓊𝓈𝓀𝑒𝓉𝑒𝑒𝓇𝓈 ✧ ♡¸.•*

@hobiance @miamorjoon​

lainey within ten minutes of meeting you on discord i married you iajoidfoisdjfo. honestly that’s the boldest i’ve ever been, but i’m really grateful that i stepped out of my comfort zone and interacted with you because if not i would be missing out on such a crazy crackhead amazing friendship that’s filled with rats and roaches and annoying atlas bc we love her. sometimes it’s scary how similar we are but i love our late night crazy music sessions and your passion for cowboys 🐀🤠

atlas i honestly do Not remember how we met aoidjfoij pls don’t be offended i don’t remember how i meet anyone. i only remember meeting lainey because she reminded me of it the other day. but anyways i am super glad that we started talking because you’re one of tha craziest wackiest zackiest ladiez i’ve ever met and you really unleash the inner crazy in me (in a good way i swear). even though you tell me to shut up most of the time, you are seriously one of my fav writers out there and so knowing you and being your friend is seriously w o a h and a blessing for sure 🐀

*•.¸♡ ✧ 𝓈𝓅𝑒𝒸𝒾𝒶𝓁𝓈 ✧ ♡¸.•*

@jamaisjoons @honeymoonjin @ddaenggtan @cest-la-tae​ @bangtiddies​ @mygsii @mindays @luxekook @floralsuga 

oh god i hope im not forgetting anyone hhafhiuehisuda oKAY you each are super duper special to me in your own special way and i could sit here for literally hours and ramble on about how much i love each of you. the basic fact of the matter is that each of you have impacted me and my life in some way.

sol, sora, bette - i am so lucky to have been able to meet you and work alongside you and talk to you daily. it’s normally extremely hard to work with friends or make friends through work, but i got so lucky with you guys and am so blessed to get to talk to each of you and know you ((special thanks to sol for Obey Me and 7 demon daddies)) ((another special thanks to backbone bette for having the courage to speak up when no one else does)) ((one more super special thanks to miss sora who is the kindest and sweetest ball of uwu i’ve ever known and Stan the Man the Icon and the limbless basketball game story remains Iconic))

dAIJA gahhh im so lucky to know you, you are such a valuable and incredible friend. you have a huge heart and you’re always looking out for other people. as much as i love screaming about hyunjin and victon with you, i really love just getting to chat with you in general because you’re so sweet and loving :ragecry:

e m i omg i wish i could remember when we first started talking bc i feel like it was some crackhead energy but honestly i feel like we have that crackhead energy 24/7. i really love listening to your stories because you have such a knack for storytelling which duh of course you do you’re an actress you know how to tell a story, but also you are just fun and exciting to get to talk to.

renae my lovely spiritual girlfriend you are such a wholesome sweet soul on every level w o w you have a heart of gold and you are so talented and wonderful as well, truly the whole package and a half, and you are such a good friend. somehow i only recently found out that you’re a multi but having listening parties with you (even if discord doesn’t tell us we’re listening together) is so fun and i just love chatting with you

reese omg i dont appreciate how you attack me with jisung and hyunjin but we are linked because we both switched to jungkook urls aoijsdfoij you’re such a fun person to talk to and i love getting to talk to you more and getting to know you better because you’re so sweet and loving and have a love of tea that rivals emi’s and mine which is crazy

monday mondayyyyyyy omg i remember the first time we talked was in a kakao chat about the flower shop story and i was Shook because i loVE your works and you were talking about how you liked mine and i was internally p a n i c k so bad ajflkjflk but after that we started getting to know each other better and we started the bee gang then we bonded over piercings and honestly you are just such a cool gal. like wow a queen. idek what else to say other than you are so cool i wish i was half as cool as you asoifjiof but really ily lots uwu

and last but really absolutely not least, mr. beau. wow i feel like it’s been such a long time since we met and started talking to each other. you were one of the very first people i talked to on tumblr, and you welcomed me so swiftly and with open arms. i know i can really rely on you and trust you, you are such a valuable friend, and i love being able to talk with you. i am so beyond proud of you, i know both alex and i are so so proud and happy for you, and i am so proud to be able to watch you grow into the person you are and deadass im crying rn just because im so proud and lucky to have been able to talk with you and help you. you know things about me that no one else does hehe and you are truly such a valuable and wonderful friend on so many levels. i will always always always be able to say that i am proud to be your friend and proud to know you 🤧

[mjihkaaaa]

Transcript: “Randy Writes a Novel” by Randy Feltface

I have transcribed this hour-or-so-long comedy piece. if I put the transcript on tumblr, it might pop up in the search results of some poor sod wondering whether it’s a thing that exists. fAiR uSe DiScLaiMEr or something, I’m making no money off of this and am posting it out of the goodwill of my heart, and also I sat down for two hours to make the transcript so it’s probably work. /original date of transcription, not that it makes a difference: 2019-07-16 /link: you can find the actual piece yourself or buy the dvd like a good consumer

||[Beard guy] Hey Randy? Yeah mate? ||[Beard guy] Ready to do this? (exhale) Yup! ||[Announcer] Please, without further ado... Welcome to the stage... The purple one... Randy! (Applause) YEEES! HELLO! THANK YOU! LOOK AT YOU ALL, MMMH! This is so EXCITING! This is my favourite bit of the show, this bit; The expectation - You don't know what to expect, I don't know what to expect. I've got high hopes for you people. I think you're gonna be fantastic. Some of you may have never seen me before, there's probably a couple of you wondering what the fuck is going on right now - couple of people up the back probably regretting smoking that spliff before they came in... "... ... ... the fuck is that?" it's alright, just relax. Throughout the show I'm probably gonna walk from about here, over to here. Any further than that, it's gonna ruin the magic, alright? And, um, this is pretty much what it's gonna look like for the next fifty-fix-and-a-half minutes, so just adjust your eyeballs to this shit accordingly. Looks pretty good, we did my tech rehearsal today, and we set this lighting stand and was like that looks good, that's good, and Stu, my lighting guy back there, said "iS tHaT iT?" and I was like ehh... eh... no, Stu, we can turn on the lamp as well, like this ... (lamp turns on). Yes. So we did that just to justify Stu's certificate for... in fucking... theatre production. GIVE IT UP FOR STU! UP THE BACK! (Applause) Who's having an alcoholic beverage this evening? (wooing) Ah-WOOO! I don't drink anymore, I used to SLAM that SHIT into my FACE like a WEAPON but I quit ... and nothing really changed, you know, I didn't notice too many differences between being sober and being a drinker ... UNTIL ... the first time I got pulled over by a cop, and had to do a random breath test sober. Because my physcial and emi-seeonal reaction was exactly the same as it had always been when I was a drinker. Which was ... - "OOOOH fuck I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked" - "wind down your window please sir" - "IIIII'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked" - "one long breath into the bag sir" - "NAAAAAAAAAA I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm- (blow) I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked" - "... you're free to go mate" - !!! ... oh yeah, I am, and the sense euphoria I felt was the closest feeling I've had to being drunk since I quit drinking. To the point where I now drive around on friday and saturday nights, LOOKING for cops. And if I get pulled over, I pretend I'm drunk just to get an extra rush... AHHH! Seriously, if you ever get pulled over, and you're sober, pretend you're wasted. Oh, the BUZZ! It's like shelving nine pills at once, it's fucking sick. Seriously, the next time the cop's walking towards the car, just be like - - "ohh, shush everyone he's COMING! act normal he's comin- put it down! put it down, he's coming! shush he's comi-!! he's here!" - "... ... ... Wind down your window please, sir." - "yeah, I'ma do that, I'ma do that, I'M DOING IT! ... Ah, it's electric. The button's in the middle 'cuz it's electric." - "... ... ... Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?" - "NOOO ossifer [officer] not on a tuesday" - "It's a friday-" - "NO friday either mate!" - "One long breath into the bag please, sir." - "yes I will, you fucking champion ... y'know, people say youse are cunts but I don't reckon youse are, PBRRTT (blow) - WOOO! hahaaa..." (Cop checks bag, shocked.) - "Uh... You're free to go." - "FUCK YEAH! BRRRRRRRRR MEEPMEEP" (Applause) I took it so far once, I got down to the station for a blood test - ahhahaAA, gets addictive when you get to that stage... I've got track marks, it's out of control! and laDIES AND GENTLEMEN - you're very close, aren't you. Hello! (Shriek) Um... The reason we're here is because, didididii, didididi-didii, I wrote a book! Yes! Woo! Yeah, you can clap, but I'm concerned that it might be a bit shit. I don't know. It's weird - this is it here - I'm not sure if it's any good 'cuz I think I'm too close to it, y'know, I can't tell anymore. I'm concerned that it might be, like, an ugly baby that I'm looking at through the eyes of a loving mother? And it's not until I take it out for a walk in its little pram and people start screaming in horror and crossing the street to avoid me that I'll realize I've made a piece of shit baby? There's nothing worse than a piece of shit baby, is there... - "Ah, who's this little guy- WAUGH YOUR BABY'S A PIECE OF SHIT!" - "God... damn it..." But do I need to be told it's good to know that it's good? You know, that's how it goes with comedy; If I come up here and tell a shit joke, you tell me it's shit by not laughing, and I stop telling that joke. But with a BOOK I won't know it's shit until it's out there. Forever. Until I DON'T sell a million copies. Just wake up one morning, surrounded by towering boxes of unsold books, featuring on an episode of mentally deranged hoarders... We need to lay off hoarders, by the way. I think there's one too many television programmes "exposing the horrors" of people that like collecting shit. It's their house, let them do it! - "No we have to fix them!" No you don't, people are fucked up! If they wanna climb over a stack of cat shit stained national geographic magazines from the nineteen seventies to get to the kettle, fucking let 'em. THEY LIKE IT. - "Yeah but it's a mental illness-" Yeah, well, may be, but I would argue it's MORE insane to film them doing it, and then package it like a tacky microwave meal for one, so assholes can sit at home going "LOOK HOW SHIT THAT PERSON IS! They've got too many of the same thing..." ... Who's more insane in that sce-nario, I ponder... ANYWAY my book... My book is called "Walking to Skye", it's about a young man who walks from the southernmost borders of Scotland up to the Isle of Skye in the far north, retracing the footsteps of his great-great-grandfather and having a massive existential crisis along the way. It's a reeeeeeeeeeal HUMDINGER, and now that I've written it I'm terrified to let anybody read it, so what I've decided to dewwww, is; I'm gonna read bits of the book out, you're going to react, and then at the end we'll all collectively decide whether or not I should kill myself. Okay? Okay. Here we go. Hm-hm-hm. Ready? Everybody comfortable? No-one needs to go to the toilet, or get a drink, or anything? No? If you do, seriously, just go for it, because fucking... (waves hand in front of eyes). I'm not.. going.. to notice... Ahem, okay, ahem... Here we go. Alright. Here we go, here we go, okay. Khm. Blblbl. Okay. Phew. Alright. Here we go. Walking to Skye, chapter one. ... Phew. Okay. Khm. Blbl. Okay. Khm. Phew... (Sigh)... (Shivering) Read it... Just fucking read it... Come on man... Just... Son of a bitch... Pth... EHGgghhh... I'm too scared. (Audience goes "aww") No, fuck off. It's weird being scared for this, y'know, it's strange to be scared of something so intangible as JUDGEMENT. You know, I care what you people think, but taste is so subjective. Y'know, one man's "To Kill a Mockingbird" is another man's "Twilight" saga. Hello there, what's your name? (Matthew:) "Matthew." Matthew! N- where- right about there, mattie (adjusting line of sight)? Tell me, Matthew, what do you fear, what's your greatest fear, what are you scared of mate, we're all friends here, open up, unpack some shit, what are you-.. What's your biggest fear, Mattie? (Matthew:) "It must be rejection." Rejection? Same as me. <close> what do you know about my fear of rejection? </close> How old are you, man? (Matthew:) "Twenty-six" Twenty-six! The twenties are the time for rejection, my friend, it is the best time for rejection. Have you been rejected a few times? (Matthew:) "Quite a lot." Fucking rack it up, Mattie, rack it up mate, you just get- you wear those scars like a fucking warrior, mate! And then you get to thirty-six, my age, and you could not give a fuck, my friend. I'm telling you mate, rack up the rejection while you can, and then just.. fucking.. grab whatever's left. That's what you've got to look forward to. Let's hear it for Matthew! Yes! (Applause!) Rejection, eh? I think, actually, Mattie, Mattaroonie, Matterectomy, I think for me, Mattanoonles, I'm actually more scared of ... failure, in this case. I fear that I might've written a shit book, and as a result I'll fail, y'know. But I believe, Mattress, I believe it was Ernest Hemingway who put it best when he said "The first draft of everything is shit". And I often thought of that while I was writing my book, it's a great thing for young readers and young writers, sorry, to keep in mind, because it kind of lets you off the hook, y'know. And it makes you feel not so bad when you churn out something akin to Fifty Shades of Grey fanfiction. - "Every nerve ending in my body tingled as he boldly placed his swollen member directly onto my left shoulder ... and whispered into my ear ... 'tickets please' ... suffice to say, that won't be the last time I catch the bus to Broad Meadows." Khm. True story, true story. Okay, I'm gonna read the book - Broad Meadows, good suburb, Broad Meadows, good name! (Audience member goes WOOO!) Hahahaha, WEEEEEW! Has Broad Meadows ever had that reaction anywhere ever? How good is Broad Meadows- WOOOOOO! WOO! Wooing is one of few things you can do in a crowd. You can't woo when you're on your own, can you... You can't just be walking down the street like WOO! - "What's wrong with that person?" But if there's a group of you going "woo!" it's like, - "Naw, they're having a nice time, aren't they..." Wooing in- when you're in an audience is one of the few times you can get away with wooing. You can't, fucking- don't woo at the butcher's, y'know? - "I'll just have a ... 2 pounds of some sausages and uh, some pound of mince, and let me- six pound fifty WOOOOO!" - "I no longer wish for you to purchase my meat products." What was I talking about? Ah, Broadie? Yeah, Broad Meadows, it's a good name, Broad Meadow, like it makes sense, there was an expanse of just fucking... no stuff, there was some broad meadows, and they went "let's fucking build it here" and it was an honest name. All these new subdivisions now, they're all fucking, just... - "What are we gonna call this deserted swamp?" - "Um... Spring Valley Mountview Niceface." Fuck that! Name them honestly, y'know? - "Where are you living now?" - "Shitty water feature." - "Ah!" - "Where are you?" - "Stabbyville." - "Ah! ... How's that?" - "Yeah, it's good, it's close to schools, which is great, but um... We do get stabbed a lot though, it's a... You know, we knew the risks..." - "'Cuz it was in the name?" - "'Cuz it was in the name! yeEEeeAh." I like an honestly named place. I was Broken Hill recently, that's an honestly named place. - "We had a hill, we fucking broke it. Welcome to Broken Hill." Actually, Broken Hill have gone one further, they've named all the streets in the centre of town after elements. 'Cuz it's a mining town, they went thematic with that shit. So you're walking down Chloride, and you hit the corner of Bromide, or Oxide, I love that! That makes sense to me! I live in Collingwood - it'd be much easier to direct people to my house if I could send them to the corner of Soy Latte and Hipster Fuckwit. That'd take out all the guesswork ... When you're heading to Frankston, don't forget to check out the beautiful parklands on the corner of Bucket Bong and Pregnant Teenager. They are just enchanting. Alright. Gonna read the book. Blblblbl. You cool Matt? Sick. I'm gonna keep talking to you so you feel included. Therefore, not rejected. Khm, okay. Alrighty. Okay. Here we go. Alright. Shut up, I'm gonna read it. Okay. Phew. Walking to Skye, chapter one . . . Fascinating man, Ernest Hemingway. I didn't know a lot about him, but I kept thinking of that quote, "the first draft of everything is shit", while I was writing my book, and I started to think, "who are you to tell me my first draft is shit, Hemingway? What did you ever do that was sO fUckIng gOOd?" So I realized I didn't know anything about him, so I decided to do some research on him, and it proved to be an excellent means of putting off writing my book. And now I can tell you everything I know about him as an excellent means of putting off reading you my book, so... Swings and roundabouts, my friends, swoongs and rimbledibbledoodledoodoos, as they say in Scotland ... They don't say that. No-one has ever said that. Anyway, what I suggest we do, okay, is I'm just gonna tell you a little bit about Ernest Hemingway, bit about Hemmers, and then we'll just let the segway into reading the book develop organically. Like a runaway fungus at the bottom of a misplaced coffee cup. - "Aw, guys, how long has this been behind the couch? ... There's little people in it!" - "Save us! Save us from our porcelain prison!" - "wwWAAH!" (tosses cup) KSSSH - "We're free!" - (Running noise, tktktktktktk) - (Randy steps on the little people with an audible crunch) It's just for me, that bit, it's just for me!.. Okay. Okay, here we go, ladies and gentlemen, for the very first time I would wager in all of your living memories, I now am proud to present to you, the life and times of Ernest Miller Hemingway in approximately three and a half minutes. Go! (Background shifts) Born in Chicago in eighteen ninety-nine, son of a physician and a musician, reasonably uneventful childhood, decided to study journalism. Enlisted with the Red Cross during World War One, got blown up in Milan and spent six months in hospital with severe shrapnel wounds in both legs, fell in love with a nurse, they decided to get married. He came home to prepare, she stayed there and ditched him for an Italian soldier, which initiated a life-long pattern of him rejecting women before they had a chance to reject him. Take note, Mattie. Got a job as a foreign correspondent, fell in love with his roommate's sister, married her and moved to Paris. They hung out with Gertrude Stein, they kicked it with Pablo Picasso, he started writing in earnest, moved to Toronto, had a kid, moved back to Paris, published a couple of books, cheated on his wife, got divorced, married the other woman, converted to catholicism ... ... ...  Cut his head open after pulling on a cord thinking he was flushing a toilet, and instead ripped a skylight from the roof and smashed it onto his face, moved to Kansas City, had another kid, his dad committed suicide, he shot a lot of bears for some reason, had a car accident, had another kid, went to Africa to kill some wild animals and got dysentery - Karma! -, published another book, moved to Cuba, shot himself in the leg whilst aiming at a shark! Cheated on his wife, got divorced, married the other woman, published "For Who the Bell Tolls", sold half a million copies in a couple of months and got nominated for a Pulitzer prize, cheated on his wife, got divorced, married the other woman, became the self-appointed leader of a band of village militia outside of Paris, and was subsequently brought up on charges for contravening the Geneva convention and got away with it like a FUCKING CHAMPION! Got pneumonia, moved back to Cuba, and spent most of his spare time on his boat, tracking nazi u-boats with a machine gun and a pile of hand grenades - I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP! Had a few more car accidents, three more concussions, got clawed while playing with a lion! ... Got depressed, drank, got fat, published a couple of more books, went back to Africa to shoot some more wild animals and barely survived two separate plane crashed in the space of twenty-four hours, winding up with a fractured skull, internal bleeding, cracked spine, ruptured liver, first degree burns, and a paralyzed sphincter muscle - Karma! -, won a Nobel prize, had a file opened on him by J. Edgar Hoover, left a bunch of shit in a safe in Cuba and moved to Idaho paranoid that the feds were following him, which they were, because he spent most of the nineteen fourties working for the KGB! AGAIN, NOT-MAKING-THIS-SHIT-UP! Suffered from hepatitis, nephritis, hypertension, hemochromatosis, anemia, and impotence - Karma! -, got committed, received way too much electroconvulsive therapy and came out all fucked up, started hinting at suicide so immediately got re-committed, received another couple of months worth of electroconvulsive therapy, got released, put both barrels of his favourite twelve gauge shotgun into his mouth, and BLEW HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF. WHAT A GUY!!! (Applause) Ah... That is all true! What a fucking unit! Hemingway is the quintessential anti-hero, the talented, charismatic, belligerent, suicidal, alcoholic genius that can't keep his dick in his trousers. And he still found time to write about fifteen books! I've written one, and it took me ages, because I procrastinate like a motherfucker! I only got this written by doing most of the work in my local public library, because it's very difficult to masturbate in the reference section without getting caught. It's... It's almost impossible, in fact ... Almost. I don't even enjoy masturbating anymore, I just do it to avoid other tasks. And if it's something I really don't wanna do, I can seriously just go back-to-back wanks, just AARGH, just 'till it's painful, like NAAAAAAAAH, like hurty cum, like MWOOOAAARGH, WOOOMMMHHH MHHHH MMHHMHMMM RMMMMMHHHHOOkay fine I'll do the fucking dishes. And you know the weird thing about books is that you only really need to write one to be considered to be a great writer. Until last year, "To Kill a Mockingbird" was the only book that Harper Lee ever published. One book in eighty-nine years. To be fair that one book did win the Pulitzer prize and sold over fourty million copies, so she didn't really need to do another one, did she... - "Hey Harper, you gonna write another book?" - "Nope! Did you read the first one? FUCKING NAILED IT! FUCKING NAILED IT! I'm just doing the one. Just doing the one." Imagine if I did that. Came up here, told one joke, and then stared at you for fifty-eight minutes. - "You gonna tell another joke?" - "Nope! Did you hear the first one? FUCKING NAILED IT! I'm just doing the one." There's not many jobs where you can just do the one, is there... Just... Writers, and... Suicide bombers. Hard to do two of those... Or maybe UFC fighters that get punched in the head so hard in their first bout that cerebral fluid trickles out of their eye sockets. - "Ohhh, that's fucked Randy..." It happens. It's pretty much the perfect example of why we're sort of festering in this evolutionary cul-de-sac, isn't it? - "Welcome to planet earth, there's approximately seven billion of us, as you can see there's quite a few of us that don't have any clean drinking water, OH! Here's a large group of us that get paid millions of dollars to knee each other in the face! Obviously still... Ironing out a few of the kinks." Martial arts, mixed or otherwise, should not be the domain of fat-necked roughians trying to stomp on each other's ballsacks. Just as yoga should not be taught by twenty-two year old gym instructors that did a one week yoga retreat in Bali and now get around in low-slung fisherman pants with a bindy and a plat talking about mindfulness like they've ever had any fucking life experience at all. I'm sorry, you can tell me to relax and center myself when you spend maybe ten or fifteen years considering what that actually means. Until then, go back to taking photos of the froth on your coffee and shut the fuck up. And I'm torn! I'm torn because I do yoga! I buy oragnic vegetables. I blindly sign internet petitions without reading the fine print, give myself a good old pat on the back and go back to downloading hardcore pornography... I'm trying to be a good buddhist, I'm trying... But it's even difficult to identify as buddhist in the current climate without coming off as some sort of new-age pompous twat dipping his toe into the "What does it all mean?" kiddie pool while holding a beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and staring lecherously across the back yard at your cousin's tits. - "Geez, Tamara's grown up since last Christmas, hasn't she..." And I mean, Buddha was just a dude who found enlightenment sometime around the fifth century, and he decided to stick around and talk about it, y'know. But he made it clear that everything's optional, I guess, y'know, "here's the thing I've discovered, I think it's pretty nifty, but you can find your own way through it". He was kind of like a benevolent woodwork teacher, just overseeing the workshop, but allowing his students to discover for themselves which machine is most likely to cut their fucking head off. - BRRRRRRRRRRR-WAUGH! - "It was that one, Gareth, well done. A plus, matey, A plus for you." And there's been loads of other buddhas since, right, but they haven't necessarily felt the calling to stick around and talk about it. I guess they just become enlightened and fuck off. I think that's fantastic. But ... Are you only enlightened if you're able to share it with people? Y'know? If I write a book and nobody reads it, is it still art? What is the collective noun for monkeys? ... ... ... Seriously, does anybody know what it is? I was trying to think of it all day. Anybody? (Inaudible audience response) What? (Audience member:) "Gang" Gang? Gang of monkeys? Coming through on my gang of monkeys, we're a little gang of monkeys, ooh-A-A-A! It's not gang! Anybody else? If you come up with something stupid, I'll sing a dumb song about it ..? What else? (Inaudible audience response) What is it? (Inaudible audience response) ... Oh you people are fucked. Does anybody know what it is? It's not barrel, by the way. It's troop. What, what did you say, uhh... Gang. Who-what, what's your name, who said gang? Where are you? (Victoria:) "Victoria." Victoria? How are you, Victoria? (Victoria:) "Great." Thanks for coming to my show. Hey, Victoria, riddle me this m'sister, have you read "Go Set a Watchman"? Harper Lee's new book? (Victoria:) "Naw." Naw. Has anybody read it? (Audience member:) "Half." Half. That is the best book review ever. - "I read half." Has anybody read "To Kill a Mockingbird"? (audience responds yes) yEES we reAD IT at scHOOL, fuck off. For those of you who haven't- for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, "Go Set a Watchman" was the Harper Lee book that came out last year, right, and if you don't know the backstory, alright, I'll just fill you in. Victoria, listen up. Um... Basically, Harper Lee, right? So, Harper Lee, she had a stroke in two thousand and seven, and until she died earlier this year, she was in like, assisted care, she was in a wheelchair, she was deaf and she was blind, and her sister Alice had been taking care of all of her affairs, until Alice died in twenty fourteen at the age of one hundred and three, like a fucking boss... Anyway before Alice died she was pretty much the last line of defence between Harper and this 'lawyer' that had just sort of been loitering in the wings, right. And when Alice died, this 'lawyer' just happened to discover the manuscript for "Go Set a Watchman" in the locked safety deposit box in an obscure vault in a random bank, where it had been busy minding its own business for the last fifty-six and a half years, and according to the 'lawyer', Harper was delighted that the manuscript had been discovered, and suddenly reversed her life-long vow to never ever ever publish another book ever ever again, particularly not "Go Set a Watchman" which she actually wrote before "To Kill a Mockingbird" and didn't think was very good. Other people think that maybe the 'lawyer' was attempting to get filthy rich by brutally fist-fucking an eighty-nine year old stroke victim, but the question is; ... ... ... The question is, if "To Kill a Mockingbird" had've stayed in that vault, alongside this newly discovered manuscript, would it still technically be a work of literary genius? Or is it only when something's been evaluated by the world and possibly someone's made some cash off it that it's considered to be valid artistic expression? Is art only art once it's been witnessed? Acknowledged? If I don't take a bow at the end of this show, does it devalue the performance? Will you feel unsatisfied? Or rejected? ... I recently read that book "The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work" by Alaine de Button, and in it, he says; "we might consider art as anything which pushes our thoughts in important, yet neglected directions". Now, I'd like to consider what I do artistic expression, but that sort of poses the question - do people really need their thought pushed in the direction of old ladies being brutally fist-fucked? Is that my artistic legacy? Is that what I'm gonna leave behind? Y'know, "Randy... He was the old lady fisting guy, wasn't he? Eh. Very droll, very droll. Yeah." Because Ernest Hemingway is remembered more for his literary talents than for being an insufferable cunt with a penchant for killing shit and cheating on his multiple wives, does his artistic legacy outshine his tactless and unfortunate personal life? Is it better to be a mindful human that leaves no palpable remnants of artistry behind, or a violently unlikeable sexual deviant that shits handfuls of heart-breakingly beautiful sonnets and sonnatas out of his asshole before brunch? Because it's the image of the tortured, self-destructive artist that prevails nine times out of ten. Amy Winehouse was just a girl that wanted to sing some songs, do you know what I mean? So... Should I just keep my fucking mouth shut? And try to navigate towards enlightenment, leaving behind an intangible trail of good deeds? Or do I dive deeper and deeper into the inky, black ocean of self-destruction and self-indulgence until I nail my chosen art form, leaving an echo for the eternal wonderment of countless future generations that will just breeze over my asshole personality? ... it's what's keeping me up in the night times. Eh... (Pause) Y'know, from the moment we're born we become less than human? You know that? E-... E-hh... Eh... All the bacteria from our mother is passed onto us on the way out of the womb, and from then on, we just continue to collect shit, on the inside and the outside, until the day we expire. Occasionally, you get to choose what that shit is, but most of the time you have very little say in where it comes from or when. You just have to duck and weave your way through the shit for as long as you can, until the chunk of shit with your name on it finally-AAARGH! cleans you up. Look, I know this was billed as a comedy, but a-ha-ha-HAA! LET'S TALK ABOUT DEATH! Woo! There are some pretty fucking ridiculous ways to die, though- OH, like that guy, that scuba diver they found when they put out the bush fire! *oh my go-od have you heard this fucking sto-ory?* They put out, like, a bush fire, and they found a dude in full scuba gear, and they figured out that the water bomber plane or helicopter that scoops up the water to put out the fire accidentally picked up a diver and dumped him into the flames! What a fucked up way to go! It's pretty much the polar opposite of "He died peacefully in his sleep", isn't it? Just dumped out of a plane into a blazing inferno... with a highly flammable gas tank instead of a parachute strapped to your back? - "NOOoo!" (Explosion noice) "I just wanted to look at the fish..." What do you say to his family? - "Uhh... At least he died doing what he loved." Well, he was a firefighter that enjoyed skydiving and water sports, but I'm not sure he ever wanted to combine the three... That's better, isn't it? - "Tell more jokes you little purple fucker." I had a good joke the other day - How do you know if a hippie has been to your house? ... They're still there. Haa... How do you know if someone's vegan? ... They'll tell you, yes, ahaHAHAA! Hahahaha, I'm vegan. Um... I initially became vegan for environmental and ethical reasons, and now I just do it to give people the shits at dinner parties. Like, - "Get it away, I can't eat that, meat is murder, STOP HAVING FUN EVERYONE!" It's a funny conversation, the vegan one, you bring it up, people just go - "... shut up fuckhead" But it's funny, 'cuz you know you don't actually need to eat meat. You don't NEED it. Nobody actually needs it. Unless you're on hemodialasys and you have to inhale a rare porterhouse steak every three hours to stop your kidneys backing in, you don't actually need it. That makes it a choice, and it's your choice. As long as you understand that that choice is born from belief and that particular belief is called "carnism". It's an inherited belief system that sort of conditions us to eat meat, and the notion is so... pervasive, I guess, it's viewed as a given rather than a choice. But it's totally a choice. - "Where do you get your proteins from then you little poofter!?" PEAS! (Gasp) It's crazy. And I know it's easy to just lump veganism in with all the other food allergies and just go - "They're the annoying fuckheads that don't eat the good stuff" which I get, I totally get... We're having Christmas at my house this year, right? Three months out, my cousin calls me to discuss her son, my cousin's son, which makes him... Someone I couldn't give a fuck about, anyway; She calls me up, the first thing she says - she doesn't even say hello - the first thing she says is "Brayden can't have blue." - "What the fuck? - "BRAYDEN can't eat BLUE FOODS." Apparently this kid, if he eats anything with a blue food preservative in it, he just KLKH (imitates death) just taps out. That is bullshit! Firstly, don't call your kid Brayden. Secondly... secondly, blue is not even a natural colour for foodstuffs. It occurs very rarely in nature- name me one blue food. (Audience member:) "Blueberry." BLUEBERRIES ARE FUCKING PURPLE! I'm talking about mentos blue, like seven eleven slushie blue, what flavour is that? Fucking highlighter? - "Ah no Randy, blue means mint-" MINT IS GREEN- if you planted mint and it came up blue, you would SET that SHIT on FIRE. - "And that's cool! It's cool! it's like ice, it's like water!" Water is clear. The only time water is blue, is when there's billions of tonnes of it and it's all in the one spot. And then it's got all sorts of shit in it, like salt, and SHARKS ... BLUE MEANS SHARKS IN IT! don't eAt iT it'S gOT SHARKS IN IT! You know, when sharks eat people, it's fucked, but it shits me how they immmediately go out and kill the shark like - "awrH it's gONe roGUe. iT's gOnE rOgUE!" No it hasn't, it's just doing what millions of years of evolution have programmed it to do, fucking swim around eating shit. - "yeeeeeeeah but ... ... ... it came into our bit. thIs bit's oUR bit oF tHe ocEAn." No-see that bit there? That big fucking wet bit? That's its bit. This bit here, all of this dry bit here, that you're standing on with your legs, your legs that have evolved to stand on the dry bit, that's your bit. You go into its bit, you're going to get bit. That's the lesson. ... Paddle out next to a seal colony and wiggle your ass around like a slutty little ol' dove, complaining when you get munched. It's that weird disconnect, y'know, it's the same thing as carnism, it's like if I imagine a pig is just a pig, and all pigs are the same, then I can detach what is on my plate from how it got there. It's just how most of us are brought up, y'know. But if you saw someone slit the throat of a Labrador, and then string it upside down to die an excrutiating death just squirming and bleeding out at the end of a steel hook, you'd think it was a bit fucked. How is a pig any different? It's not. It's actually not ... I said that on stage in Rock Hampton, in Queensland about four months ago. I was like, "how is a pig any different?", and a man in the audience yelled out "BACON!". Touché, sir. You win this round. He actually came up to me after the show - I was standing at the merch desk not selling anything - and he-.. I saw him coming from the other side of the room, just this massive dude, like - (stomping noises) - "Ah, you're a large man" and he said - "I was the one that said bacon" - "fucking don't kill me" and he goes - "nah, you alright mate, you alright mate, you alr-" It's the most passive-aggressive Aussie male thing you can say to another- - "naah, you alright mate, you-" It basically means "I wanna punch your fucking head in, but I don't wanna upset me misses. You alright mate." Anyway, he goes to me, - "Mate, you're not gonna make any friends in rock hampton being vegan. Did you know that Rocky is actually the beef capital of Australia-" - "ah fuck I didn't know that" - "-with over two and a half million head of cattle within a two point five k radius of the town centre?" - "fuck I didn't know that either" - "And that is a fair wack of the thirteen million head of cattle in Queensland alone, seventy percent of which is bred purely for export. Few fun facts for ya matey, few fun facts." I said - "thank you sir I did not know any of that" Did you know that, globally, cows produce thirty-eight percent more greenhouse gas than every single car, truck, bus, boat, train, and plane combined each year? That breeding animals for food uses up one third of the planet's fresh water? Takes up fourty-five percent of the earth's surface, and is responsible for a whopping ninety-one percent of amazon destruction, making it the number one leading cause of species extionction, resource consumption, and environmental degradation destroying the planet on a daily basis? FEW FUN FACTS FOR YA MATEY, FEW FUN FACTS FOR YA! Now, I'm aware this is in danger of becoming a TED talk at this point... - "jesus, a lot of statistics, is there gonna be a test?" It's alright, it's fine, I'll read the book, alright? I'll read the book. Not forcing my opinions on you, I'm merely saying them with a microphone, and you're paying for it. LOCK THE DOORS-no, seriously, okay, here we go. Khm. I'm gonna read the book. Y'know we've got McDonald's home delivery now? Does anyone do that? (Audience responds) You... You do? You know you can already get it in your car? You can get it without getting out of your car, but what McDonald's have now done is they've removed the gruelling walk from the front door to the car, so you no longer have to do that humiliating - "BWAAAAAARGGGGGHHHHH- WUUUUUUUUUAHHHH! OOOOOOOAAAAARGGHHHH! Now I have to reverend carpool! Oh, God damn you, God damn you -click- MRRRRRRGHHHH! HMMMMMRGHH! MMMMOOUUHHH WHY CANNOT THEY JUST BRING IT TO MEIN HAUS?" Well now they can. I think it's a good thing. Keep the fatties off the streets, STOP 'EM HOGGING UP THE FOOT PATHS, if they wanna eat shit, let them do it in their own home- WHO'S WITH ME? (Audience starts applauding) Don't clap that, it's a horrible thing to say. yoU'RE moNSTerS! ... Okay. You all good Mattie? Sweet. Okay, here we go. Blblblblbl, okay, kh-hm, alright, here we go, buggedabuggedabuggeda, okay. Stop it! Okay ... Do you like my typewriter, by the way? Isn't it beautiful? It's basically here just as a prop, but occasionally I am always tempted to just go ... (humming). Eh? A few "Murder She Wrote" fans in the house? Heyo? Everyone else going - "What? What is that? Sounds like an old person's joke." ... it is! It is! It totally is! Alright. Here we go. Okay, fuck, here we go. Blblblblbl. Walking to Skye, chapter one ... I bought a bookshelf on Gumtree recently, um, it was an amazing experience, I'll quickly tell you about it and then I'll read the book, but- I found it strange, becasue it made me start to think about the way our, like, methods of communication have sort of changed over the years, y'know? In the old days, if you wanted a bookshelf, you'd just go see Gareth the Bookshelf Guy, 'cuz he was the dude in your tribe that made the bookshelves, he had a little bookshelf cave, he was REPUTABLE. Now any mad bastard can sell their shit on Gumtree, you know what I mean? As a species, we're sort of able to cope with knowing and gossiping around like a hundred, or a hundred and fifty people. That's like the limit of our tribe. Any more than that, it starts to get confusing, which is why we created abstract constructs like territories and deities to unite larger groups of people under an imaginary common factor. And it works the trick, because we only really gather en masse on special occasions, but I think like social media and mmmh... It's fucking all that up, y'know? I think we're able to deal with the thousands of people we're connected to on a daily basis, and as a result we neglect our immediate one fifty, y'know? That's why I never get invited to parties anymore. It's not 'cuz I ramble on about veganism and fisting old ladies, it's because I'm not on facebook and everybody just assumes you are. I am so behind on the births, deaths, and marriages of my friends that I feel like the time traveller's wife every time I go to a party, I'm like... - "This is Tim, he's our son, he's six now-" - "Fucking... Didn't even know you were pregnant." Anyway, you know smartphones, aren't they great? You know that, right, they're not, they're not that great, you don't need the internet in your pocket, you work at Cole's, okay? You're not working for the president, you don't need it, you don't need that much information. And also, what was the point of developing opposable thumbs for you to take a photo of your head, post it on the internet, and then just stand by for validation. No-one gives a fuck about your head! They'll only validate it in order to gain permission to post a photo of their own head on the internet and stand by for validation. The people who give a fuck about your head will at some point see it in real life. Fuck your head and the neck it rode in on. Your vanity is sucking up my bandwidth ... Anyway this is what's going through my head as I'm on Gumtree looking for a bookshelf, because- you know when you put something on the... on the... in like... in the search in booktree- in booktree? what the fuck- When you put something in the search on Gumtree - I'm having a stroke up here - When you put something in the search, right, and like, there's always a couple of things that come up in the list that are like the polar opposite of what you searched for, and like "get out of my head gumtree algorithms, CONSPIRACY!"? No but seriously, it's all you type, it's like "bookshelf", and it's all bookshelf, bookshelf, bookshelf, grammophone? Huh. Bookshelf, bookshelf, bookshelf, combine harvester? What the fuck? ... Huh, that's actually a pretty good price. Anyway, on this particular day, I found two bookshelves that worked for me, in terms of cost, and more importantly, geographical convenience, 'cuz I'd be fucked if I'm driving to Broad Meadows to pick up a bookshelf, right? So I type in bookshelf, and I see the two things, and I'm like okay, one seller is Cathy, the other is Morgan. I send them both the same text message, "Hello! I saw your bookshelf on gumtree, is it still available?". Cathy texts back straight away, saying - "sorRRY iT wENt thIS MorNING!" - "That's cool, Cathy, I'm sorry I gave you an annoying voice in the retelling of this story." Morgan's response came through a couple of minutes later, and simply read, - "It was my wife's bookshelf." ... HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT? Aside from the fact that it doesn't answer my fucking question... His use of past tense in that sentence unnerved me slightly. I'm like, aahhh, I should probably just find another bookshelf... And then I noticed he lived in the suburb next to me, so I replied; - "Is it still available?" He responded with the letter Y. Just a Y. Is he asking me why I wanna know if it's still available? Or is it a Y for "yes", and he's so in the throws of grief that he can't manage the E and the S? I assume it's a Y for "yes" and respond, - "Cool! I'll take it. When's a good time to come and pick it up?" No reply for fifteen minutes, I'm like... ah he's forgotten about it, fuck it, I'll find another bookshelf, and then when his reply actually does come through I realize he spent those fifteen minutes crafting his response, because it's a FUCKING THESIS. He must've felt so bad about only using a single consonant in his previous text that he just massively overcompensated with this one. Also, for some reason, felt that the use of punctuation? Entirely unnecessary. So it's just one obscenely long sentence, which reads; - "You must come and pick up now I only have short time here at house and also it wide so bring van or trailer and there's stair but I can help you carry it down stair if you come park out front walk up path ring bell and I will help you carry it to trailer or van I only accept cash and if you do not come now I will sell it someone else" (Shriek) Again I'm thinking, ahhh, I should just find another bookshelf at this point, but now I am FASCINATED by Morgan, and I simply must meet the man. So I drive over to his house- before I left, I sent him a message saying - "Cool, I'll be there in ten minutes" and he replied "ok", but spelled it OK-A-Y which just fascinated me more, that he'll use four letters to spell a two letter word, but only one letter to spell a three letter word, MORGAN IS OFF THE FUCKING CHAIN! And as I'm driving over to his house, I'm trying to picture what he's gonna be like, y'know... His pidgin English might suggest ethnicity of some sort, but I don't wanna racially profile him; Maybe he's an old man who recently lost his wife and is not that very good at texting, or maybe, and I'm really hoping this is the case, Morgan is just batshit crazy. So I get to his house, and I go up to the- ehe, I park out front walk up path ring bell, and I... I brace myself for the door to be opened by like, an old man in a smoking jacket, wearing fishnet stockings and suspenders, just puffing on an opium pipe while a butler just creepily polishes a goldfish in the background, and then a tiny pugdog wearing a fez hat just trots up the hallway, sits on the mat, looks up at me and says "RELCOME TO OUR ROVERY ROME!"... And then the door opens, and I am thoroughly disappointed. Before me stands an average caucasian male in his mid-thirties, dressed casually, hipster sheek, stubble, glasses with designer frames, expensive watch - I immediately think "architect?" but the house is too cheesy for that - it's like a double story doll's house with bay windows - but definitely a designer of some kind? Maybe a graphic designer? He's too skinny for manual labour, but he's too hip for the public sector, BUT THIS CAN'T BE MORGAN. Because Morgan's text messages would suggest that he's not that technically savvy, and then the man standing in front of me says - "Hello my name is Morgan" AND THE PLOT THICKENS! He invites me in, shakes my hand, closes the door, and twenty minutes later, I will be witnessing Morgan perform some of the most aggressive acts of violence I've ever seen in my life, and I will be speeding away in my car bleeding from the face. Here's how this shit went down... I go into the house, and I notice two things immediately; One, this is a house in the throws of renovation. Nothing too extreme, but there's like drop sheets on all the furniture, there's freshly painted walls, there's a bathtub wrapped in plastic in the hallway, awaiting installation- someone's doing some work on this house. The second thing I notice, on the way up the stairs to the second floor, on the first floor landing, is a wedding photograph featuring a very cleanly shaven Morgan with a very beautiful bride. Very much in love! The photograph is very much on the floor, and the glass in the frame is very much smashed. She's not dead, she's left him, and THE PLOT THICKENS A BIT MORE FOR MORGAN! And as Morgan unceremoniously like, kicks the photo frame to one side on the way up the stairs, I really wanted to pry into Morgan's life and ask heaps of inappropriate questions... But he was clearly a broken man. He had this terrible air of sadness around him, so I didn't wanna intrude. Luckily for me, though, I didn't have to, because Morgan immediately began oversharing and told me the whole fucking story aaAAAH! Thank you Morgan! I shall hang off your every word and then retell your tale to two hundred strangers and record it for a fucking DVD! He IS a graphic designer -YES!- and he's really good at it. He does like massive rebranding campaigns for large corporations, he gets flown all over the world doing this shit, right? About four years ago, a woman hired Morgan to rebrand her florist business, and he did such a great job she married him. And he thought everything was just fine, until about three months ago. Morgan had to do a presentation in Sydney, right? But he was on his way home from overseas and got stuck in Dubai due to a flight cancellation, so rather than cancel the meeting, Morgan suggested to these businessmen in Sydney that they do a Skype chat, because he's so technologically savvy, despite his fucking baffling text message style. So Morgan checks into a hotel, cracks open his laptop, and starts skyping with this room full of businessmen in Sydney, who are all watching Morgan on a massive screen on their boardroom wall, right? And everything's going great, Morgan is totally nailing it, until about halfway through; He realizes that a file he wants to show these dudes is on the desktop of his home computer back in his home office in Melbourne. And he decides to live share the desktop of his home computer on the Skype chat. He knows how to do that, he can remote control his computer from anywhere in the world, it's not particularly new technology, but Morgan makes it sound so impressive. So this room full of businessmen are all watching keenly, like - "OOAHP! MARGARET, BRING IN SOME BISCUITS, THERE'S SOME NEW-FANGLED SHIT GOING ON IN HERE!!!" as Morgan clicks a few buttons and (click) brings up the desktop of his home computer on the Skype chat. Now, what Morgan doesn't realize is that his wife has been using the "Photobooth" app on that particular computer to take pictures of herself. To take naked pictures of herself. To take naked pictures of herself... doing some pretty fucked up shit. It's embarassing, to say the least, just as Margaret came back in with the biscuits- - "I've got you the b-WHUIEAAAAURRRHHH!!!" Now, those of you who are familiar with the Photobooth app will know that how it works, is it accesses the built-in camera in your computer and with the click of a button, (click) takes a photo of you when you're standing in front of your screen. And if you know that, you also know that if you leave that application open, the camera also stays open, witnessing whatever may be happening in front of the computer, in real time. Such as your wife, in your home office, fucking your best mate. OOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOO MOOOOOOOORGANNNN... Nooooo... Morgan then goes on to tell me she's keeping the house, his former best mate is moving in, and while they're out for the day shopping for fittings, Morgan must suffer the indignity of moving his shit out, and selling the stuff they don't want on Gumtree to this guy. Ahhh... It's at this point of the story that Morgan starts crying, he breaks down, and I do not blame the man, it's fucking horrible and I just wanna give him a big hug and say "Everything's gonna be alright, Morgan", but I am holding the full weight of a BOOKSHELF halfway down a set of STAIRS and Morgan is the only thing stopping that bookshelf from caving my face in- I was like, MORGAN! MMMMORGAN! And Morgan managed to pull himself together ... for about eight seconds? And then just went BAHHH and let the bookshelf go. I fell backwards, it literally rolled over me, and took out the light hanging above the staircase, I'm now lying on my back getting showered in broken glass, as the bookshelf turned end over end and just went FONK right through a freshly painted wall at the bottom of the stairs. I'm like, AAH. aaAAAh. aaAAAAAAhhh. aaAAAAAHHH. I've got a tiny cut on my forehead which is just pissing blood, for some reason - apart from that, I'm fine. Morgan, however - he's not fine! Morgan is the opposite of fine. Something happened when the bookshelf lodged itself in the wall and his sadness just (click) went away in a second, and he started PISSING HIMSELF laughing. Hysterical. And he had the creepiest laugh I've ever heard in my life- I'm standing there like "this is weird" and he's like "mwhueHUEUEEUEUEUE! mhhwuEUEUEUE!" like some sort of demonically possessed baritone cookaburra, - "mwhueEUUEUEE, a-HOGUGUGUGAGAGAGA!" - "Um... Uh..." - "mwueEUEUUEUEUE" - "can I still have the bookshelf?" - "yuuEEEEAAH" We extract it from the wall - the bookshelf, incidentally, showing no sign of having just rolled down a staircase and smashed through a wall. We carry it out to my car- we had to stop about six times, 'cuz Morgan was like - "Hang on a minute, mwueHUEUEUEUEUEE" We got it to my car, put it on the trailer, and Morgan was in such a great mood he let me have the bookshelf for free. Ohh! Hahaha... Mm... And that's where the story SHOULD end. But there was something about the bookshelf going through the wall that flipped a fucking switch in Morgan's head, and he is now hungry for more destruction. So as I started tying the bookshelf down to my trailer, Morgan just strolls over to like an upright mailbox on the front lawn and just starts trying to wrench it out of the ground. Really putting his back into it. I'm like, "are you okay buddy" and he's like "YEAP" (struggling) HUAH! He pulls it out of the ground whereupon he wields it like a fucking battleaxe and just starts smashing up the front garden, just beheading the daisies, fucking up the lavender... I'm like, "uhh, hey Morgan, maybe you wanna stop and think about that" and he whirled around and looked at me like Jack Nicolson chasing Shelly Duvalle up the stairs in the shining and said - "WHY DON'T YOU MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS?" ... yep, yep, cool, man, yep, yep... Now, I like tying knots. I'm quite good at tying knots if I tie something down I take my time because I want it to stay there... But as Morgan nonchalantly strolled up the driveway, rolled up the garage door, and put the mailbox through the windscreen of an Audi!? I must admit, I kind of rushed my knot tying job. I got in my car, I'm about to drive off, I'm like, looking at the house going "ah, I'm sure he'll be fine" and then an armchair smashed out of an upstairs window and just went DOINK DOINK DOINK DOINK down the front lawn. I was like "... what's my duty of care in this situation?". I didn't want to call the cops on him, I didn't want him to trash the house, I'm like - "daw fuck I'm gonna have to talk to Morgan" So I got out, I walked up the driveway shitting myself- you know when someone does something really violent and you're just like "ah, fuck, we're not supposed to do shit like that!"? Yucky, just yucky feeling in my tum-tum- and I'm standing there, standing there in the garage and there's like an adjoining door in the garage that leads into the house. I can see in through the door into the house, up the staircase, it's like a wooden staircase, and I'm standing in the garage just going - "ah fuck..." (gulp) "morgaaaan. Morgaaaan!" Like I was calling a cat for its dinner? "Morgan! Moggie-moggie-moggie-moggie-moggie!" And then I notice a small trickle of water start to come from the top step. And then a little bit more water, and then QUITE A LOT OF WATER, just pissing down the stairs like shitty water feature, I'm like "aw that can't be right" and then Morgan appeared on the top step holding a hammer like this: - "BAAAH!" (jumps out) I was like - "WOAH!" and he's like - "mwhuEUEUEUE" Starts running at me wielding the hammer, like "UEUEUEUE", I'm like "aw no no I just wanted to buy a bookshelf..." he's like "UEUEUEUEUEUE-.. RRAH!" runs straight past me, I'm like - "Where are you going?" he's like - "UEEEH!" made a beeline for my car, I'm like - "NO, MAN! STOP!" he's like - "UEUEUEUEUUEUE" - "STOP IT! JUST STOP!" He spins around and goes - "I just checked my phone, she texted me fifteen minutes ago saying she'll be here in fifteen minutes, WE'RE GONNA GO!" and gets into my car! - "fucking... jesus... fuck me" I run down the lawn, get in the driver's seat, I'm like - "What was with the water?" he goes - "Ah, I put plugs in all of the sinks and turned all the taps on!" I'm like - "Oh that's fucked" He's like - "JUST DRIVE!" I was like - "AAH!" I took off so quick, rounded the corner of his street, and the bookshelf just went "mrrreeUUWh-BOOSH" and exploded against the guard rail, just exploded in a shower of badly tied knots and broken dreams... So me and Morgan just fucking left it there, like a little breadcrumb for his ex wife to find on the way home to her destroyed gingerbread house. I dropped Morgan at a train station. I have never seen him again. And that, my friends, is why I no longer shop on Gumtree. Thank you very much! Thank you very much. (Applause) Haha, ah, fuck... You know my favourite bit of that story? I just made it up. Yes, not true. There is no Morgan. MMMH! It's very unsatisfying, isn't it? - "But I saw him in my head. I saw Morgan in my head." ... ... ... Why is it we can feel so robbed when someone tells us a story we just heard isn't true, and yet so satisfied at the end of a fictional novel? Y'know? You know that? ... You know the other great thing about that story? First draft. FUCK YOU HEMINGWAY! ... (sigh) Can't end on that, can I? - "Those LIES? WE DID NOT COME HERE TO BE HOODWINKED, SIR!" The truth, eh? ... The truth is, I'm... I'm not an exceptional person, y'know? Nothing interesting really ever happens to me, I'm massively flawed, and I think I'm quite forgettable, if I'm being a hundred percent honest. And this isn't the shit bit at the end of the show where I get on the cross, I'm like "lOve mE on the wAY OUt thE doOr". It's not that, it's just that I don't think- on a scale from one to memorable, I'm not that memorable. Not on like the Morgan sort of scale, not on the Ernest Hemingway scale, certainly, y'know... But if I tell a great story, maybe people will remember that instead. Remember the card trick and just... pretend that they don't know how it's done, y'know? ... But must we leave a legacy? MUST we make an impact? Do we HAVE TO leave a footprint? Is it okay to just settle, seek safety, nest, y'know? Or must we constantly shake our lives up, or suffer the indiscriminate cruelty of having it shaken against our will? Must we try to carve a path through the tall grass, feeling as though no-one has ever felt how we feel? Terrified at what may be lurking low in the grass on either side of us, but just pressing ever on with that paleolithic instinct deep within our chromosomes that the only way is forward, that you HAVE TO keep going? That eventually you'll stumble upon the edge of the field, hitch a ride from a passing car, and meet up with the rest of the gang for tea and sandwiches at the old town hall? ... (deep breath) Do we feel like the path that we are carving through the grass is all our own? Only to finally float above the field with the sweet relief of expiration and realize that the field is insignificantly miniscule in size, and that there's only one path through the grass - the exact same one that every human has trod before us will ever after, just stumbling blindly along a tiny hyphen between the words "birth" and "death". And when reduced to that level of crisp simplicity, fear cannot exist ... So. (pausing, readying) Phew. Walking to Skye, chapter one: (Blackout) (Applause and credits)

[ceremonyanddevotion]

So ABC Australia has released the song guide for Tobias’s Midnight show, I have no idea if he does anymore talking through it or they just play the music (I think it’ll just be music because the ABC still does the blackout thing after a certain time and just plays Rage until the morning show)

playlist text under the cut because it’s a lot.

but shout out for Tobias for appreciating the masterpiece which is Alice Cooper’s Poison.

and I wonder which version of Year Zero they will show lmao.

it’s 4:30am and you turn on TV to see Tobbe’s cock out

PLAYLIST

12:00am

GHOST Dance Macabre (Loma Vista)

KING DIAMOND Welcome Home ()

MOTORHEAD Killed By Death (Festival)

IRON MAIDEN - LIVE Fear Of The Dark (EMI)

SLAYER Seasons In The Abyss (Universal (MCA))

12:30am

ACCEPT Balls To The Wall (SBME)

METALLICA Until It Sleeps (Mercury)

METALLICA Wherever I May Roam (Mercury)

METALLICA One (Universal)

SEPULTURA Arise (Shock)

MORBID ANGEL Immortal Rites (Warner)

1:00am

MORBID ANGEL God Of Emptiness (Independent)

DIAMANDA GALAS Do You Take This Man (Mushroom)

IRON MAIDEN Two Minutes To Midnight (EMI)

ALICE COOPER Elected (Warner)

ALICE COOPER Poison (Sony)

KISS I Love It Loud (Universal)

THE ROLLING STONES It's Only Rock and Roll (Virgin)

1:30am

GHOST Rats (Loma Vista)

BAD RELIGION 21st Century (Digital Boy) (Sony)

CYPRESS HILL Insane In The Brain (Sony)

FAITH NO MORE Midlife Crisis (Mushroom)

JANE'S ADDICTION Just Because (EMI)

ALICE IN CHAINS Them Bones (Sony)

PEARL JAM Jeremy (Sony)

2:00am

NIRVANA Smells Like Teen Spirit (Universal (MCA))

NIRVANA Heart-Shaped Box (Universal (MCA))

DURAN DURAN Ordinary World (Parlophone)

THE CURE Lullaby (Warner)

THE SMITHS There Is A Light That Never Goes Out (Warner)

MORRISSEY Every Day Is Like Sunday (EMI)

KRAFTWERK The Model (EMI)

2:30am

DEPECHE MODE Personal Jesus (Mushroom)

DAVID BOWIE- LIVE Ziggy Stardust (EMI)

DAVID BOWIE Space Oddity (EMI)

PINK FLOYD High Hopes (EMI)

BJORK Army Of Me (Polydor)

FATBOY SLIM The Rockafeller Skank (Sony)

3:00am

THE BANGLES Manic Monday (Festival)

ABBA Take A Chance On Me (Mercury)

BLACK EYED PEAS Meet Me Halfway (Universal)

DAFT PUNK featuring JULIAN CASABLANCAS Instant Crush (Sony)

LENNY KRAVITZ Are You Gonna Go My Way? (Virgin)

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN Dancing In The Dark (Sony)

FLEETWOOD MAC Everywhere ()

3:30am

A CAMP I Can Buy You (Universal)

RONNIE JAMES DIO Holy Diver (Sony)

RUSH Subdivisions (Universal)

LED ZEPPELIN Dazed And Confused (Warner)

THE CULT Edie (Ciao Baby) (Virgin)

THE CULT Sweet Soul Sister (Virgin)

4:00am

THE ROLLING STONES - LIVE Angie (Virgin)

GUNS 'N' ROSES November Rain (BMG)

GHOST He Is (Loma Vista)

GHOST Square Hammer (Loma Vista)

GHOST Cirice (Loma Vista)

4:30am

GHOST From The Pinnacle To The Pit (Caroline Australia / Loma Vista)

GHOST Monstrance Clock (Metal Blade Records)

GHOST Secular Haze (Universal)

GHOST Year Zero (Universal)

JOY DIVISION - LIVE Transmission (Fest/Mush)

JOY DIVISION - LIVE She's Lost Control (Festival)

JOY DIVISION Love Will Tear Us Apart (Festival)

[scvaqes]

letting her hands slide up his chest to hold on to his collar, emi leaned forward to whisper in his ear, lips brushing ever so slightly against his earlobe. " you know, if you're tired of your girlfriend... i'm leaving now and you're more than welcome to join me " was she wrong for doing this? maybe. well, she didn't agree to that. whether he wanted to go with her despite of everything, it was his decision to make, not hers.

&. drew ft. @likecottxncandy

        he could feel his heartbeat drum FAST and intensely. sheeze. this girl doesn’t run out of things to drive him INSANE, does she? drew swallowed thickly before he leaned back. “i– i, uh…” he begins to stutter. SCREW IT. “let’s meet at the back door. i’ll just let her know that my sister called me home.” like that was ever a foolproof EXCUSE.

[grapsandclaps]

GRAPS & CLAPS - THE WEEK THAT WAS!!

Hello Everyone!! Welcome to a different twist on the week that was my journey around the UK watching the great sport of British Professional Wrestling - Show 91 to Show 95 incorporating Southside Wrestling, Lucha Forever (ran by IPW:UK), Tidal Championship Wrestling and PCW.

Now what I am going to do here is give you a few of the highs, lows and as ever the best drinking establishments of the week.

Highs:

Southside:

The Queen of the Ring show was my 2nd ever experience of an all woman's show with the first being the ill-fated Pro Wrestling EVE show that took place on one Saturday afternoon 3 years ago in Preston featuring a corker between Emi Sakura and Nikki Storn but sadly nothing else on the show could live up to the standard that match set.

Anyways this tournament was a really good afternoons worth of wrestling despite the missing Viper and freshly injured Saraya Knight. But still you had a good lineup including Lana Austin, Toni Storm, Kay Lee Ray, Kasey Owens, Martina Sammii Jayne and Sienna.

Best matches here for you to seek out are the Lana vs Sammii Jayne, Sienna vs Shanna(despite an injury stoppage to Shanna), Lana vs Kay Lee Ray (which ended up with KLR, getting the win and becoming new Queen of Southside Champion).

The main event was your typical Southside Sheffield main which went all around the warehouse, and even outside where Referee Joel Allen offered some great advice telling both ladies to take it back inside 'because they might catch a cold'. But this was lots of fun in which Kay Lee Ray ended up winning to win the Queen of the Ring tournament.

The evening show from this double header had a trio of really good matches with Bad Bones vs Chris Ridgeway, Maverick Mayhew vs Gabriel Kidd vs El Phantasmo and also the CZW Tag Title 3 way match with Scarlet & Graves vs CCK vs GBH which finished Scarlet & Graves capturing the CZW Tag Titles after a breathtaking 20 minute match including an insane flip by Desmond Xavier hanging from the lights in the corporation.

Bad Bones vs Chris Ridgeway was another reason why Ridgeway could be in for a great 2018 with Progress and Tetsujin bookings on the horizon, he looked great here against the more experienced Bad Bones and this could open a door to WXW for Ridgeway.

Tidal Championship Wrestling:

2 highlights from Tidal this time with the Main event of Joey Janela vs David Graves and also HT Drake vs El Ligero in a streetfight the main standouts.

Janela who is currently on a 2 week long tour of the UK taking in many promotions and by the looks of it many pubs in Preston whilst staying at Chez Fludder, was the main draw for this show and an opportunity had arisen for David Graves via a Facebook poll of possible opponents for Janela and I guess rightly deserved as he is something different and has supposedly being tearing it up on the Yorkshire circuit.

This match didn't fail as it went for a good 20 minutes in the arctic conditions of CHURCH, but it soon warmed the cockles of the 100 strong crowd. Janela got the victory but Graves looked great in defeat and he has easily booked himself nearer the top of the card now in TCW.

HT Drake vs El Ligero was another match that went all around the building and even outside leaving an almighty draft coming from the church sized doors. Dives a plenty from both guys, drawing pins, blood it had it all but ended with Ligero getting I guess was a surprise win seeing as HT Drake has a title shot vs Rampage at the next Tidal show.

Lucha Forever/IPW:UK

A few crackers as ever with Lucha Forever, even though this show was under a cloud of mystery with the disappearance of any news of this show on Twitter and the BritWres community playing Sherlock trying to find out what was going on. But eventually it took place with IPW:UK intervening for the evening, so what were the standout matches on this night:

Millie Mckenzie & Aussie Open vs Chris Brookes, Sexy Travis Banks & Inflatable Kid Lykos.

20 minutes of utter silliness from all 6 competitors including the inflatable who pulled off some insane arm whips, huracuranas and death defying moves not seen since Rey Mysterio in his pomp. But in all serious this match was well needed to lift spirits and was a grwat diversion away from all the usual seriousness - Bravo Bravo!!

Omari vs El Ligero vs David Graves vs Joe Nelson, this was very much for the experienced Ligero to give the shine to the 3 youngsters including 15 year old Joe Nelson who looks about 120 pounds wet through but can move like a whippet and he impressed lots getting a standing ovation at the end of the match from the Frog and Bucket faithful.

David Graves played the comedy heel having trouble with his range of pants he was wearing and Omari was his usual great self but I do hope he trades in his ASDA George Kecks next year for a better pair of slacks.

Bubblegum vs Chris Ridgeway in a rematch from April mustered up a 20 minute back and forth Main Event and it was a welcome introduction back for Bubblegum who is one of the best in the country and despite the ring rust didn't miss a step against Ridgeway. Ridgeway got the win with the choke tapout in a fantastic match.

PCW:

A solid show at Blackpool Tower Circus for Joey Janela's Big Top Adventure and here are the things what stood out:

Zachary Wentz vs Desmond Xavier in a rematch from PCW Liverpool last November when they were two relatively unknown wrestlers who had a great opener then and this was no different. Both guys hit dives, destroyers, near falls galore including an amazing sky twister press from Xavier for a close two, but he eventually fell to the sick dude and a great ovation from the Blackpool crowd.

Joey Janela vs The Invisible Man

Yes you read it right Joey Janela wrestling with himself or so we thought?? It might have been some supernatural being that was doing destroyers, pedigrees, being thrown off a balcony. This was the stuff Jim Cornette would have been rolling in his house about but in my opinion as in the case of the Inflatable Lykos match it was so transfixing for at least 20 minutes.

Des Robinson and Joey Janela putting this masterpiece together were immense in their roles, wrestling needs this at the most opportune times. Janela lost via a cradle pin and then proceeded to ask for a rematch in front of 100,000 in North Korea - utter madness 😛

Lows:

Southside:

Adam Maxted vs Bram, I suppose i'm being a bit tight here because it was alright as a match but the gloomy cloud that Bram brings to a card tempers the enthusiasm for the crowd to enjoy it and even here where he was a good guy which is more baffling than anything. It is to be noted here at the speed at my mates Ben & Athers moving at the speed of Usain Bolt straight to the shitters once Bram arrived.

Tidal:

Only a couple of duck eggs here with Sebb Strife vs Sean Only disappointing to say it was a feud ender of sorts given the torture that Only has put Sebb through.

BIG T vs JD Boom, not because of BIG T who is now becoming king of the open challenges but JD Boom who has fallen off a cliff since the Lego Deathmatch days with Addy Starr. Boom is the pits sadly 👎

Lucha Forever / IPW:UK

Only one poor match for my liking was one of the stars of Tuesday Night Graps Kip Sabian vs Drew Parker in a No DQ match which dragged on a bit too much but mind you I was sober and getting tired with it being the 5th show I had seen. Parker I just feel is getting pigeon holed in this deathmatch corner and could be so much better.

PCW:

Only one almighty duffer here with Danny Hope, Joey Hayes & Virgil vs Sheikh El Sham , Dave Birch and BIG T. Virgil just oh dear 😣 spent the whole match chatting to the cameraman and chatting up a woman in the front row, he messed up the finish nearly by getting Sheikh El Sham too near the ropes.

Probably a lovely bloke by all accounts but this was bad.

Drink Section:

Southside:

The Devonshire Cat had plenty of 8.5% - 13% stouts on offer, the triumph being an 8.5 Peanut Butter Stout that cost £5.80 a pint.

Corporation were charging £3 for a pint of Rola Cola, the same price as a can of Hooch so it was Hooch all the way that day.

The Frog & Parrot offered a packed pub and a pint of Red Ale at a cost of £4.10.

Tidal:

The Head of Steam had a new Timothy Taylors porter at a cost of £4.20 which is pricey for a cask ale but still a good drink.

The Fenton which was the site for the Britwres title change of Athers beating our Geoff with a Black Ball victory to the applause of the 6 in attendance. A pool match between me and Ben took place to a back drop of dancing and pool playing to the tune of BANAGARANG AND SOULJA BOY.

CHURCH had the usual £4.90 Goose Island IPA offering.

Lucha Forever

Crown and Kettle had a good 5.2% Blackberry stout at a cost of £3.40

Frog and Bucket had pints of Coke for £3 and Shedhead for £3.80

Smithfield Tavern which is becoming a aftershow staple had a 7% stout for £3.55 a half which was maybe the best drink of the night. This pub is good but does have a very pricey keg section.

PCW

The 2 Wetherspoons had decent ale on with maybe the one on the Blackpool seafront edging it with a £2.09 pint of tropical ale which was very fruity in taste.

Tower Circus had £3 pints of Coke and £3.50 bottles of Budweiser which is a bit dear given the size of 300ml

Blackpool though with it being winter season was dead with one pub The Counting House closing up at 1015pm to the shock of the O's

One shining light though was the function room of the Ruskin Hotel where we were staying at a cost of £55.35 for bed and breakfast. What we saw was like a scene from Phoenix Nights with Blackpools Jerry St Clair introducing an ex Frankie Valli performer - Declan Heather who was belting out tunes from every decade under the sun making the over 50's audience move bones they haven't moved in ages and some dance offs that wouldnt be out of place at a Fight Club Pro Afterparty.

Pints here were J.W Lees Original Lager disguised as Royal Lager at a cost of £2.40, this was a fantastic hour of bizarre even with an added Barry Gibb lookalike in the corner.

Chants of the week:

Robbie X (To the tune of Purple Rain by Prince)

PURPLE FACE PURPLE FACE!! ONLY WANT TO SEE YOU WRESTLING WITH A PURPLE FACE!!

Virgil (To the tune of Like A Virgin by Madonna)

LIKE A VIRGIL HEY! WRESTLING FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME! LIKE VIRRRRRGIL WITH YOUR HEARTBEAT NEXT TO MINE WOOOAAAAHHHH!!

JOE NELSON WOOOAAHHH JOE NELSON WOOOAHHH HE ISNT FUCKING HENCH HE'S GOT AN A IN FRENCH

#Grapsandclaps

[evilkitten3]

Can I request a chapter where Mai sticks up for Harry, and actually does "accio, Voldemort!"?

I waited too long to respond to this, and I’m sorry. Ishould’ve replied right away, but I wasn’t sure how to word it. The answer isno, I cannot write this. The answer was no from the moment I first got yourask, and I feel bad about potentially allowing you to assume that I was goingto write this. I’ll explain why under the cut, since the explanation isn’texactly short.

As a fanfic author working with other people’s characters, Ican do whatever I want. A fanfic author has the freedom to twist and interpretthe creation of another person, and it’s an incredibly fun experience, whetheryou’re reading fanfics or writing them.

But as this ask helped me to discover, I don’t have the samefreedom with characters that I created myself. In my eyes, that would be abetrayal.

As a concept, the idea of Mai summoning Voldemort to helpHarry is hilariously funny, and it provides lots of comedic opportunities, andI know I’m to blame for being the one to joke about the idea in the firstplace, but I can’t do it.

Mai was initially nothing more than a background characterwhose existence was an inside joke between me and my friends (the same is truefor Akiko, Katsuya, Mikasa, Emi, and Hana), but she began to demand a largerrole, going from a background character to a reoccurring character to a majorcharacter to a main character and eventually settling down as the deuteragonistof the story. As such, I’ve put quite a bit of time and energy into developingher character and what themes she’s involved in.

One of the first things I mention about Mai in “ThingsFall Apart” is how much magic she has, with Nikolai – a character who, youshould bear in mind, is a person who enjoys combat – showcasing admiration forher and praising her abilities. This is, intentionally, a very biasedviewpoint. And it actually doesmatter, because Mai’s combat ability is extremely limited.

In my story, the amount of magical power that a personpossesses has a direct correlation with how much control that person has over their magic. Mai, who has more threetimes as much raw magical power than anyone on record, has almost no controlwhatsoever. To clarify – let’s think of this in terms of guns (there are gunsin this world, but they’re not relevant right now). Someone with a very smallamount of magic has one gun and is really good with it. Someone with a very large amount of magic, on the otherhand, has one gun and more ammo, but isn’t quite as good a shot. A person withthe amount of magic that Mai has is essentially armed with a rocket launcher, anear unlimited amount of ammo, and absolutely no idea how to use said rocketlauncher.

In other words, Mai can’t fight in a group because she’dprobably hurt her allies more than her friends, and she can’t use magic in upclose one-on-one fights at all because she’d end up just as injured as herenemy. If it’s her against several people, the best solution is usually to usea spell that sort of acts like the Pokémon move “surf” and just hitseverybody, unless she’s far enough away in which case she can just blast ‘em.The insane amount of magic and her lack of control makes her a ratherinconvenient ally, which is why she mastered Summoning Magic, a type of magicthat is rarely used due to how much power it uses and how much time you have todedicate to being able to summon things (this ain’t Naruto or Fairy Tail; youwanna summon something, you gotta hunt it down yourself). This greatly improvesher usefulness in combat, as one would expect, but there can be seriousrepercussions (e.g., one of your Summons decides it isn’t fond of you anymoreand attacks you, you fuck up and Summon the wrong thing, etc.).

So, what does this have to do with Harry Potter? Actually,Mai is one of the reasons I almost didn’tbring the TB gang to Hogwarts. Remember how I mentioned that the universe mystory takes place in has guns? Well, those guns are magical too, but there arevery strict regulations on them. If you have more than a certain amount ofmagic, you aren’t allowed to possess or use a gun. Some people aren’t evenallowed to touch them. A person with as much magic as Mai isn’t even allowed inthe same room as a gun. Guns play abigger part in the world than that, but that’s not important right now.

A wand, like those guns, is a magical conduit – a way ofchanneling and manipulating your magic. Most of the TB gang wouldn’t be able touse a wand, as they’ve either got too much magic or have never used anythingsimilar to a wand before and don’t want to risk it. Mai is a character whoprobably shouldn’t even be near awand, much less inside a school fullof them. In other words, the first reason I can’t fulfill your request isbecause Mai is literally incapable of actually doing that, as funny as it wouldbe.

But there’s another reason too – it goes against her personality.Mai doesn’t know Harry at all. He’s not her friend, and his problems are nother problems. Mai is loyal to her friends, but a major part of her character islegitimately not giving a shit about anyone she doesn’t see as important toher. This is where her relationship with Kotomi comes into play – they’redirect opposites in just about everything. Kotomi would go out of her way tohelp someone she doesn’t even know with something very small, whereas Mai couldsee a person she’s known for years dangling on the edge of a cliff a la Mufasaand wouldn’t bat an eye (unless that person was someone important to her,someone important to someoneimportant to her, and/or beneficial in the future. If there’s no benefits forher in your life, then long live the king).

And that’s why she would never help Harry – Mai is fullyaware of how much power Umbridge has over the school. As a Slytherin, Mai is ina very good place to manipulate things behind the scenes and keep her friendssafe. Publicly siding with Harry goes directly against that, as it would puther on Umbridge’s shit list. It doesn’t benefit her at all – she and herfriends are from another world (although the HP characters don’t know that),and Mai doesn’t see Voldemort as a threat. If he in any way implied that he wasgoing to hurt them, then she would go after him without a second thought (whichwould be bad, because of the Horcruxes), but he’s not the main threat here.Umbridge is. As much as Mai would love to see Umbridge crash and burn, she’s notgoing to take a risk that big for someone she doesn’t care about in theslightest.

And even if Voldemort didgive her a reason to go after him, it wouldn’t end well. Either he’d respawnthanks to a handy-dandy Horcrux, or she’d decide that the best way to deal withhim would be to get rid of his followers, which would basically involvemurdering a bunch of people (many of whom are the parents of her fellowSlytherins). Would she do it if she felt she needed to? Yes, in a heartbeat.But she won’t. As Nikolai mentioned, “nice” doesn’t necessarily mean“good”. Let’s say you’re a villain with a tragic backstory who isexplaining to the heroes why you did the things you did. Mai is the sort ofperson who would give you a comforting hug, tell you she forgives you, and puta knife in your gut all in one breath.

If I ever get around to making a published story with mycharacters and that story gets a fanbase, then those fans are more than welcometo write a fic like this. But as Mai’s creator, I can’t. On the bright side, Ishould probably thank you, because receiving this ask really made me thinkabout what it means to be not only a writer but also a creator, and I learned a lot about myself and my writing while Istruggled to think of a way to decline. So thank you so much for the thought,I’m so sorry that I can’t do it, and I will definitely remember this. I owe youone.