#weird sort of vent i don't normally post but I felt I had to put it somewhere

[mythic-menagerie]

To the regular

I don't know you

I know so much about you

I know your favourites

I know your routines

I know when work starts

And when it ends

I know your birthday

I know how to tell

when your day has gone wrong

I know when your dog died

When you got a promotion

When your family came to visit

When you got married

When he died

I know nothing about you

Just your name

Just your face

That despite it all you were always here

I know you don't know me

You know my face

My name from my name tag

You know that other customers

have called me slurs

You know when I clock in

You know when I leave

You know about that time

I messed up your order

And had a panic attack

You know nothing about me

I know nothing about you

But I know you were always here

Until you weren't

[jupiter-nwn]

what discoveries have you made since the 2021 ghostkin / cloudkin post ? :p

Omg hi! Little warning for a ramble that might sound incoherent and "weird" to people who don't know how to have fun lol /lh (aka: I'm talking about my non-humanness, lol)

Warning! this gets VERY long, VERY specific and personal (not in a vent way, but in a "I'm rambling about myself" kind of way), and, somehow, incredibly scientific. Like, actually talking about a physics phenomenon and chemical reaction. I don't know, but yk how it is lol, I may be cringe but I am free

Well! I am indeed cloudkin and Ghostkin; rather, I've realized that I mostly feel like a cloud-looking spirit of sorts, inhabiting a human body if you will. I know some of my features (antlers, fangs, multiple eyes and dots and markings) but they're slightly shifting since my form isn't stable in itself!

Also, I know I'm fictionkin to some degree... Except I'm... not? See, I'm part of a system. I keep referring to myself as otherkin instead of just being a non-human sysmate because, despite this not being everyone's experience (completely valid), I technically "am" "the one that was here before the others""", rather, I was just here pre syscovery even if I know I've been plural for longer than that; but I felt so at home with kin terms that they felt right to use even when I don't see many systems referring to their individual members as X-kin. However, I did eventually realize that my connection to a certain character (I'd hide who it is... But I post about Dream sans on an almost daily basis and they've been the mental representation of myself for about five years now, like. They're me) but it didn't feel like being fictionkin to me; I AM some sort of introject, a semi-fictive I'd say. Plus Dream is a little ball of golden energy inhabiting a skeleton body... And so am I, a golden-looking spirit inside a body! So I'm ghost/cloudkin, galaxykin (simply because of the shifting nature and because my mind always feels so -vast-, like my body's too small to contain it, and it felt right to think of myself as a galaxy, and it was a good metaphor until it was just... intrinsically tied to who I am) and starkin for similar reasons (glowing mass of continuous chemical reactions... Me relating myself to chemistry doesn't end here, keep reading and you'll notice lol)

Stupidly enough, because this is so specific and no one ever seems to talk about stuff like this, one of the things I've realized about myself is what I'm made of; as in, which chemical-

It's something I've known for a while, before I went by Júpiter I went by Jay because I knew I wanted a name that started with J bc J and Q are the only letters not in the periodic table and I was like "oh, my name starts with J because I'm the missing element"; and then way before I had my gender figured out, the easiest way to explain my feelings was to talk about myself in pokemon types... I'd be a ghost/poison type, something about poison types always made me relate in a way? fitting lol

I think I had a huge species euphoria moment when we did the gold rain experiment (link leads to page explaining how to do the experiment) in my lab class. To put it simply, it is a mix of lead nitrate and potassium iodide that crystalizes, and then forms this snowball kind of effect, it looks like THIS:

I don't know, the mix of something looking so glittery, yet being so toxic (8g of lead nitrate are enough to kill you lol) made me go OMG ME

I want to also add that as a physics student + chemistry enthusiast, me feeling species euphoria from physics/chemistry concepts extends to more; for example I learnt about the De Broglie wave length and I haven't been normal ever since... idk how to properly explain it, so here's the wikipedia definition lol, shorter than what I was gonna write: "Matter waves are a central part of the theory of quantum mechanics, being half of wave–particle duality. At all scales where measurements have been practical, matter exhibits wave-like behavior. For example, a beam of electrons can be diffracted just like a beam of light or a water wave." And I don't know how to explain the inherent non-human euphoria I got being "related" to waves like light; like, yes!! I feel more incorporeal and more wave-like! I'm a ghost! Of course my specific properties aren't really "realistic" but come on, no one's trying to (dis)prove my existence.

I think I've just become very comfy in being non-human since 2021, maybe it's because my partner is also non-human and we've related a lot to each other in that regard; I just do the things that make me happy about it. I hide in bed with my prized possessions, makes me incredibly happy in an animalistic kind of way!

Other people find where they came from, who they were at some point. Personally, I do not have a spiritual past related to my non-humanity, I am a creature inhabiting a human body, so I don't have hearthomes or kin memories... I have weirdly specific attachments to physics concepts (part of the reason I must study physics, I need to understand the world on a deeper, non-human level) and feel euphoria over the weirdest shit lmfao

[catboii]

((just a "little" (ha) update I guess, nothing major, just a note that I'm sorry if I post alot this week with seemingly no regard for my/my muse's vast presence on the dash, or if I end up writing alot of short weird drabbles to vent.... if there's questionable stuff it'll be tagged like always <3

I understand if you need to unfollow me to keep your dash clear for other people if you're mobile etc. or if you need to blacklist my muse's url for a bit if it's overwhelming

After xmas everything may have settled and if you wanna refollow then I'd welcome you back and wouldn't ask any questions. your comfort (whatever that may classify as in the context) is my utmost priority!

normally I try not to clutter, and I try to keep general post reblogs minimal and just queue most of them. I'm just... not doing too good rn

then again it's a 50/50 that I'll be posting nothing at all, just making my muse's presence known if it wants to sorta wave at someone from the depths of my brain hell jail.

I'll still be checking in around xmas stuff bc this muse gives me v happy bubbly vibes whenever I write it and that's honestly what I need rn.

I'm sorry if your muse reblogs/replies to one of mine's posts or smth and I seemingly glance over it. I genuinely just didn't see it. I always try and respond to stuff, or if it doesn't know how to reply I at least acknowledge that my muse saw it by liking it. but I might not have the mental capacity to actually keep up w stuff

...

BASICALLY I'm either gonna be kinda quiet or rly hyperfixated on not being in my own head for the next week or so.

I'm obv stressed anyway bc I need to do xmas shopping still and it's a struggle bc online it probs won't come in time. we're going "late night shopping" on thursday though so hopefully we can get a bunch of stuff then

but mainly an old work friend of mine passed away today. He's been unwell for a few years, and I dunno if he knew what it was and was just keeping it quiet, or if they genuinely couldn't work it out. last I heard he was getting MRIs.

I had a complicated relationship w him (positive) bc he was either bipolar or had BPD like me (although he wasn't diagnosed with either, but it was obvious he at least had bipolar), and if you know anything abt BPD you know what an FP (favourite person) is, and we were sort of each other's when we were working together? I think. like I say he wasn't diagnosed, but it felt like that. we hit it off really quick and were both really comfortable with each other, and he was just the sweetest most supportive person. he was one of my FPs, which basically means my brain was cursed to be in intense friendlove with him. He would tell me that he loved me and appreciated my friendship, was always saying you need to tell people you love them, however you can, however you mean it, because you don't know if you'll ever get to tell them again

he always showed off the little things I made him and made sure everyone knew exactly where he got the silly little origami animals on his desk, or who made his juggling balls that were his favourite thing in the whole world bc I made them for him by hand, and picked the fabric out specifically for him.

One time around xmas, bc of covid, we had these big plastic screen dividers between our desks and I used posca paint pens to draw him a HUGE Robin in a scarf and santa hat (his name was Robin and people always got him little Robin themed things, he loved them) on the one by his manager desk, like a name tag, but Facilities told him he needed to clean it off and chastised him thinking he did it, and you're "not supposed to vandalise work equipment" even though they're literally washable and it was xmas. we were sticking decorations everywhere, how is it any different? but he played along but he was really mad. He didn;t wanna say it was me that did it, because he thought I might've gotten in trouble, but he also wanted to argue that I'd put alot of work into it. I hadn't put that much in, it was just for fun and I liked drawing it, and he got to see it! That was the important part. and I said so. but I cleaned it off and drew him a new Robin on a piece of paper and he kept it at his desk like a retired picket sign, and told the story to anyone who would be polite enough to listen

mostly though, he gendered me correctly (and he was in his 60s so being so passionate abt they/them pronouns was just really sweet, though he was clearly bi but still in the closet, so it was maybe a little projection, in a way, or just straight up quiet queer solidarity), and literally agressively made sure everyone else did too, when he realised I'd been just letting people at work use whatever pronouns, he got really proactive and made sure all my paperwork was marked as "them" officially (with my permission). if anyone misgenered me he would get visably annoyed or disgusted, and there were a couple people who "forgot" (every time) and he actually got angry at them about it and reported them for harassment, which might've been a little extreme, but I honestly felt so validated, and I'm tearing up thinking about it. I don't think anyone's ever fought that hard in my corner, especially after only knowing me for, at that point, less than a year.

We worked together in a couple different parts of the business for a couple years, until some stuff happened that I shouldn't say bc I need my rp blog(s) to stay far away from my professional life, but we were gonna be working together doing something else, but it wasn't his thing, it was stressful and there were other reasons, but he just lost it and walked out.

we had a little joke when we were training before he left, he had this soft toy robin that he let me borrow because I was really anxious, and I gave it a little notepad and pencil and wrote something silly on it for when he got it back each time. usually some out of context joke on what we learned that day, so we could both laugh about it. but when he left I still had it, and I messaged him saying I would get it back to him sometime, but he said to keep it to remind me of him.

I put it away to keep it safe, but I'm gonna have to go and find it, because it's one of the only physical things I have left of him.

[twochildreninamoteldemo]

I feel like so many non-americans go along with weirdcest because that's the idea of it. like Sam and Dean sleeping in the same bed etc etc in the context of them being white men in the usa, I think could be seen as very weird. but I'll admit that sometimes people talking about their idea of weirdcest made me feel uncomfortable because I act the same with my family, and it made me even question IF my family was weird (it's not). also I pretty much live in a country where nudity is not a big deal in general. Like I've always shared a bed with my family members, I still share a bed with my brother sometimes, and as I said being naked around eachother is? normal? it's just a body and it's literally either my mom or my brother and even my dad sometimes. I don't see what the big deal is. like going along with weirdcest headcanons is mostly fun but it's clear that most of those headcanons were made up by white americans lol

Well put. I actually am American and in a lot of/most contexts would call myself white, but I am mixed race and multicultural and it's truly fascinating to see different cultural standards even within my own family. Im aware that most tumblr ppl's idea of weirdcest is based around a white midwest American 90s sort of perspective, but the original idea has taken on this huge scale that I do think has normalized the kind of waspy hegemonic cultural norm on tumblr itself, within the fandom. And thus it makes anyone outside of that structure feel alienated. It's like the race/culture version of heteronormativity. There's a word for this right?

And like I always have enjoyed weirdcest. I get the feeling that some people who saw my post, who maybe don't know me very well, assumed that I was hostile to it or didn't know what it was, or whatever. And that's kind of frustrating bc it was meant to me a tongue in cheek kind of vent post meant for people who also felt the same way, it wasn't meant to start discourse, and I had hoped people would understand that. I guess that's on me for not being more clear. Maybe people were just getting defensive. White people love to get defensive.

Anyway I turned off rbs on the op and I just hope this dies down after a bit. Either way it's nice knowing that others feel the same way and hey, maybe this will get people to be a little more culturally aware idk.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Savannah

Jac: Are you warm enough? Jac: 🧣🤗🧤🤗🧥 Savannah: No but that's a total secret, okay? I can't cope with the others judging me for trying to look nice Jac: I'll never tell Jac: [subtly getting her a blanket or something though, obviously] Jac: no one can come for your look 😍 Savannah: [you know we're snuggling under this blanket together because shameless excuse to be close af] Savannah: oh I see, you're trying to warm me up by making me 😳 it's fine that can be our secret too Jac: [would be so 😳 forreal] Jac: you can blame the 🔥 Savannah: [putting her head on the bae's shoulder like we're not already close enough and doing a little happy sigh] Savannah: but your compliments deserve full credit, anything else would be unfair Jac: [patting her head under the guise of checking out the boujee hat] Jac: your outfit arguably deserves a higher class of event but I'm still glad you're here Savannah: [doing a hat swap because we do so love sharing clothes with the bae and it's amusing as well as a shameless excuse to check her out like hmm what do we think] Savannah: I'm glad I'm here too Jac: It would be weird if you weren't Jac: I'm as close to you as my siblings now Jac: in a different way, obviously but still Savannah: [swapping the hats back because the bae is serving a look and also then we have to fix her hair and make that a moment™ soz Amelia for this blatant flirting you are witnessing rn] Savannah: I feel so at home here, with you Jac: [when you think the bae is perfect so you can't even pretend to sort her hair, so you end up fussing with your own after her like ugh it's so unruly but we're 🥰 and seriously soz have a more or something] Jac: You are Jac: you're always welcome, even when we're celebrating weird non-holiday holidays Savannah: [just giving her all the compliments out loud because we see that fussy and also we don't care who hears us, again soz Amelia and snuggling again] Savannah: I'd make you the same offer in a heartbeat if I felt welcome at my house Jac: [snuggling her extra hard for a hot sec there] Jac: I know, baby Savannah: [likewise and just burying our face in the bae's shoulder fully because emotions and doing a little sad sigh this time] Jac: [doing something to make her happy, probably posting the picture of her for example] Savannah: [giving her all the compliments again because that is a good picture tbh gal you clearly have skills but then because I'm evil I'm gonna say your bf sees it and so you're texting him forever while he's with his friends doing whatever] Jac: [at least you have an excuse to get up, like your other guests lol] Savannah: [just gotta do something extra as she's getting up like take her hand and make her do a little spin or something cos you're a nerd and we know you care more about this than whatever your bf is saying] Jac: don't faint Savannah: catch me & it won't be an issue Jac: I don't need to tell you it's dangerous to play near or with 🔥 Savannah: [as close to a LOOK as we can get away with] Jac: 😈 Savannah: he wants to see me, like, right now Savannah: but I don't think he's offering a higher class of event Jac: 😏 and obviously, you have to make him sweat it out a bit Jac: right? Savannah: all night at least Jac: Poor Ty Savannah: Do you think I'm being too 😈? Jac: not enough, if anything Savannah: oh really, well I hate that Jac: I'm sure it'll do the job on Ty Jac: but I think you could do better Savannah: of course I could, especially if the alternative means disappointing you Savannah: I don't ever want to Jac: It's very unlikely that you could Savannah: It's impossible, I promise Jac: Don't worry, it wasn't a challenge Savannah: I'm not worried if it is, I'll rise to it for you Jac: 🌠🌠🌠 Jac: I am going to have to challenge my brother not to be that basic white boy who brings out an acoustic 'round the campfire, excuse me 🙄😅 Savannah: 😄 Savannah: as long as Isabelle doesn't decide to sing along, because it'll be a challenge for me to sit through that Jac: 😬 Jac: she ALWAYS gets the words wrong! Jac: I think she might be partially deaf Savannah: you would know Savannah: it's a shame she's HOPELESS at sign language Jac: honestly, she'd need to do some brain training first Jac: bless her Savannah: I'm still waiting for you to teach me, maybe I'll be worse than she is Jac: [gutted you can't say gay things 'cos most people here can understand but you can still come teach her] Savannah: [Amelia do be watching you and she definitely can] Savannah: [Jude would also just be chiming in telling Savannah what she's doing wrong like a blunt bitch so now we're mortified because we have to be good at everything] Jac: [just showing her how to tell Jude to fuck off or something like excuse you] Savannah: [literally never swears because she's that kind of trying to be classy so you've been spared gal but we're not forgetting that you made us look a fool] Jac: She literally couldn't tie her own shoes 'til like last year Jac: I wouldn't spend any energy on her Savannah: it's fine, I'd rather know my mistakes Jac: She knows it's as rude to listen in on a sign conversation as it is a normal one Jac: honestly, I don't know where her manners have gone half the time Savannah: I'll have to get better now so we can have a conversation worth listening in on Jac: I'll show you properly Jac: when we have some privacy Savannah: you can come home with me, we'll have plenty of privacy if we leave here late enough Jac: You're really gonna make him wait then Jac: 😘 Savannah: he'll be too drunk to be any use to me once his friends are done with him Savannah: & anyway, I want to be with you Jac: Good Jac: of course I'll come Savannah: I feel like I haven't even seen you since Ty & I reconciled, I've really missed you Jac: he had a lot he had to make up for Jac: so I've missed you more Savannah: [touching that necklace he gave us without realising we're doing it as we recall that horrible argument] Savannah: I'm all yours now Jac: Good Jac: because we're both going to need really long 🛀 to get the smoke smell out of our hair Savannah: ugh true! I'll wash yours if you wash mine Jac: 100% Jac: and would you ever trust a boy with your hair, no matter how sorry he is Savannah: No way! Savannah: plus he's too tall to fit in the 🛁 with me, even the huge one at my house Savannah: he'd just sulk the entire time Savannah: I'm so sorry I'm taller than the other girl you dated Jac: the basketball boys always go out with tiny girls Jac: it's like their thing Jac: so weird Savannah: right? 🙄 Savannah: it's a totally possessive thing, I'm glad you can't stand over me to feel powerful, excuse me Jac: honestly Jac: people always talk about short guy's complexes but tall lads think they're so superior just for having a few inches, okay we get what you're trying to put out and it ain't cute Savannah: exactly Savannah: & if picking me up & throwing me around is SUCH a turn on for you, work at it 💪🏾 I have to put in effort to look good too Jac: Not about it Savannah: Ty isn't either, he's the gentlest boy in the world Jac: Yeah he is Savannah: maybe too gentle sometimes, but I didn't say so Jac: I get it Jac: you don't have to think he's perfect just because you're going out with him Savannah: he definitely doesn't think I am Jac: he's got no complaints though Savannah: for now, I suppose Jac: he told me, you saw Jac: he thinks you're good, if not perfect Savannah: he doesn't want to lose me Jac: he's not stupid Savannah: ^^ he'll say anything, that's what boys do Jac: yeah Jac: how much they mean is a different story Savannah: my dad's never meant a single word he's said to us Jac: even if he meant it at the time Jac: he didn't stick to his word, and that's what counts Savannah: yes, it is Jac: Ty's dependable Savannah: I'm not though, I'm a wreck Jac: hey Jac: [looks at her and shakes her head like no] Jac: do you want to go inside for a bit? we can be getting more food and drinks or whatever Savannah: okay Jac: [casually run off hand in hand so you can go properly talk about this] Savannah: [soz not soz everyone] Jac: [also said your garden would not be that big so probably gonna need to go upstairs or down so everyone's not just 👀 lol] Savannah: [get in the basement for that parallel] Jac: [sounds creepy but yes lol, go forth for that privacy hens] Savannah: [yet again we're just telling the bae stuff that we haven't told anyone including our bf #bonding] Jac: [we know the fucking vibes, y'all gonna be ages and do not care remotely] Savannah: [gotta fix Savannah's makeup for her to because she'll have done a little cry so that's gay & intimate] Jac: [honestly how this kiss doesn't happen sooner hun] Savannah: [that's the scolding hot tea] Jac: [casual patience of a saint somehow] Savannah: [we both know you're scared to cross that line hens] Jac: [mhmm how you just don't though when the tension is this high and obvious but you know, sort yourselves out] Savannah: [for now though go back outside to find Amelia has left] Jac: how rude Savannah: Do you have any messages from her? Jac: she told them she was feeling sick Jac: but she's not said anything more than that in a message either Savannah: one of her migraines? Jac: probably Jac: smoke can be a trigger, I guess Jac: oh well, I'll message her in the group chat, make sure she's okay Savannah: I hope she got home okay Savannah: it was a bit rude of Is not to go with her & make sure Jac: ^^ I'm like, girl Jac: you've had THREE hot dogs Jac: you could've done without the last one to be a better friend but priorities, I suppose Savannah: ^^ she could've at least come & got us so we could do the right thing if she wasn't going to Jac: Seriously Jac: now I look lowkey bad like thanks 🙄 Savannah: No, it's my fault Savannah: I feel bad, poor Amelia Jac: Oh my God, no, it's so not your fault Savannah: it's okay, I know I'm beyond demanding Jac: You aren't Jac: She just has a headache Jac: you're actually going through it right now Jac: you deserve time to vent Savannah: 😔 Savannah: but I do understand if you're upset with me Jac: I'm not, at all Jac: just at Is a bit for not handling the whole situation properly Savannah: Would you like me to talk to her? Jac: That's fine, we don't need to get into their drama Jac: it's like, not a situation and not going to be one because Is either wants it to be or is literally too ditzy to check in on Amelia herself without being explicitly told Savannah: You're right Savannah: you deserve a good night even if it is a fake holiday Jac: I'm having a good night with you Savannah: Oh please, I can do better Savannah: I've been crying for most of it Savannah: [proves it by doing the most, throwing ourselves into all the activities and thus the bae as well] Savannah: [I like to imagine poor Isabelle trying to get involved & we're just subtly not having it] Jac: [montage time, honestly Is you would've been better to leave too, at least the fam is here so you aren't being totally ignored lol] Savannah: [soz that we're just falling in love here] Jac: [literally can't help it sorry they don't mean the harm they casually do] Savannah: now you're having a good night Jac: an even better one, yeah Savannah: I'll be your 🌠 Savannah: anything you want, all you have to do is whisper it to me & I'll make sure it comes true Jac: Tinkerbell's got nothing on you Savannah: your happiness is so important to me, with or without the 👏🏾 Jac: you know I'd do anything for you too Jac: I feel like I should do more Jac: be better Savannah: you do more for me than anyone else EVER has, if you did more you'd be putting your own mental health & wellbeing at risk for the sake of mine Savannah: I'm not trying to be a drain of you like Is, who literally needs her hand held through every little thing Jac: I know, you're just so good to me Jac: but you're good FOR me too Savannah: I'm not always this selfish, I swear Jac: you're literally the most selfless Jac: all you do is look after Sienna and you're the best friend to me and girlfriend to Ty Jac: it hurts my heart sometimes Jac: I just wanna take care of you and make your life so easy you can thrive and shine Savannah: You're going to make me cry again Savannah: [IRL 🥺 because the bae is so pure & genuinely takes such good care of us] Savannah: I'll survive this & you'll see what I'm actually like without all this drama surrounding me Savannah: I really will be the best friend to you forever Jac: [we're such emotional bitches atm and always tbh hennys] Jac: I know you will, you're already amazing Jac: you're going to be unstoppable Jac: and I'm gonna be right there with you Savannah: [it's the only emotion we can safely express rn because smooching is forbidden] Savannah: I'm totally fine with doing trust falls Savannah: you know I believe in you & our future together Jac: 🌍 sister connection Jac: [because we are all earth signs except Amelia soz gal] Savannah: ^^ yes! Savannah: [take your bae to dance because it's a party and that's the only excuse we need] Jac: [bye at how much of a moment that'd be] Savannah: [literally there's every chance it's the first time they have because her bf would always be there at parties and stuff so I'm deceased] Jac: [we know you'd have no qualms stealing her away but a party with loads of peers is different from how intimate this is, at best everyone has a few friends] Savannah: [exactly that, so glad you don't have to see this Amelia you really would have a headache] Jac: [yeah this would be 💔] Savannah: [thank god we've got Isabelle cockblocking rn because y'all are too in love tbh] Jac: [just joins in 'cos not in love with you and thus oblivious] Savannah: [they'd be so annoyed lol] Jac: [lmao oh isabelle] Savannah: [go get some drinks or something gals and whisper shade to each other about this poor third wheel because any excuse to keep that intimacy going] Jac: [it's a good thing you are lowkey oblivious or you'd be way more upset by it all too] Savannah: [god bless you Isabelle, so soz you get done so dirty] Jac: [in the end you live your best life, just not being friends with this squad lol] Savannah: [the best thing for you is getting new friends my love, but for now I like to imagine she's talking to them about some boy or other, remember those you massive gays] Jac: 😬 him Jac: seriously?!? Savannah: What is she thinking of? & more importantly, what part of her body is leading her in those thoughts Jac: 😷 I can't Jac: so many cold showers necessary for her and honestly just some 🧼 for him Savannah: He asked me out, knowing full well I'm not single or interested, it was horrific Jac: the definition of no shame Savannah: I didn't know what to do Jac: I bet you didn't Jac: the actual nerve Savannah: Not to sound like Amelia, but I genuinely have no understanding of what she approves of or thinks we'll approve of about most of the boys she talks about Jac: Availability? Jac: like, imagine that was all a boy had to say about you Savannah: that's so sad Jac: like if they weren't so gross themselves, I'd feel sorry for them Savannah: I've just decided, I'm going to find her a boyfriend we can all stand to be around, Ty'll know someone Savannah: it'll give you a much needed break from how clingy she is & my heart won't hurt anymore from hearing her talk like this about boys who aren't worthy Jac: Such a nice idea 👼🏾 Jac: does he know anyone that will deal with her though Jac: she's a lot Savannah: It may not be an overnight success but I'll work my 🔮✨ Jac: I believe in nothing harder than I believe in your magic Savannah: I'm your girl too, just like you told Ty, of course you have faith in me & because you do, I feel so capable of anything 🥰 Jac: It had to be said Jac: like we said, the possessive thing, not it Jac: you're you and you're so many things to so many people, and you're especially important to me Jac: if he wants you, he's gotta accept that Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I love you & you're always going to be part of my life, I hope he is too, obviously but there's none of that uncertainty with you, you are & you will be Jac: Right, romantic relationships are arguably almost always the least secure, that's just realistic Jac: ask any girl who ditches ALL her friends and then gets dumped Savannah: oh god, I could NEVER Savannah: I need you Jac: The concession they must make in their lives, like, who do you talk to about the stuff he has no interest in, who gives you advice from a woman's perspective??? Jac: so toxic Savannah: He & I have very different styles of self care, I'm sorry I simply would not survive Jac: 🏋️ is part of the daily grind, NOT a way to unwind, sorry Ty Savannah: 😄 Savannah: Don't worry, I promise I won't wake you as early tomorrow for our workout Jac: I'm not, I nearly ALWAYS wake up before you Jac: but that's okay, you look adorable and very peaceful 😴😘 Savannah: well it takes me longer to fall asleep Savannah: you look even more adorable & peaceful then 👼🏻☁ Jac: okay, so we're even 😅 Savannah: the universe is keeping everything in balance for us Savannah: I love that Jac: I know, right? Jac: if we had a 👶🏾 or a job share we'd be KILLING it Savannah: 🥺 you're going to have the cutest babies ever! Jac: 🤞 the dad's DNA doesn't screw that up Savannah: No way, we'll find you someone perfect Jac: I have more hope for Uni Savannah: you don't trust my matchmaking skills? Jac: No, no Jac: just the boys you have to choose from here 😬😂 Savannah: 😄You're right, an LDR makes much more sense for you & I wouldn't have to share you as often Savannah: I'll find you a first year uni boy who goes to school with Ty's brother Jac: You think so? Savannah: definitely, he'll fit into your schedule without wanting to become your schedule Savannah: & you may actually be able to have & sustain a proper conversation, depending what he studies Jac: you really do have the best ideas Jac: Obviously down Savannah: [immediately starts sending her pics and profiles because we're extra] Savannah: Let me know who you like & I'll totally make it happen Jac: I'll look properly tonight at yours Jac: [like no, Isabelle, you may not have more than a peep so you're #curious] Savannah: there's no rush, whenever you're ready Jac: 😍😍 Savannah: [snuggling again with our IRL 😍 because we're in love bitch] Savannah: [Savannah is just that touchy feely hoe like soz gal she's gonna just be touching you ALL THE TIME] Jac: [at least you'd have to vaguely get used to it or literally die haha, we know the 😍 are and will be for you but we'll pretend to be into these lads so we can scheme it together] Savannah: [we've since the pics you had a touchy feely vibe with Amelia too, even if it was more like hugs and piggy backs lol you can do this] Jac: [mhmm, arguably you can't but you carry it on for a long time lol]

[r-romanoff]

Photon Blasts & Spider Webs

Chapter: 1 Part 1

Peter Parker x Male Reader

Master list

September, 23, 2019

"I don't want to, take me home." I pout siting in the back seat of the black car. "Well you definitely are your mother's son." Fury starts looking over at Maria to say something, "It'll be good for you, you'll get to make friends your age bud." She smiles unlocking the doors from the passenger seat.

"Mom was supposed to be here, can't I just stay with Wanda, or Roadie? What about Sam?" I question not wanting to move from my seat. The leather seat that felt warm as the car had been sitting in the sun for an hour before the two coaxed me into leaving the house. "Look you know that if she could be here she would, now that the Avengers base has been arguably repaired you'll get to see everyone afterschool. Now get out, first period is in 5." Fury explains the already memorised memo in my head.

"I just-" "HONK!!!!!!" I'm interrupted by the blazing sound of someone honking in the silver car behind us. "Out!" Fury and Maria almost yell in unison, turning to look at me with hints of annoyance. Seeing as I've been difficult to handle as of late. Taking a breath of air allowing the smell of the car to enter and exit my lungs I let out a small noise; "Fine." The faint sound that is barely audible escapes. Opening the door I step outside of the car taking in all of my surroundings, taking my first step onto the sidewalk. "HONK!!!!!!" I jump at the same car that was honking at me before, running into the crowded hallway trying to avoid attention. "First period" I whisper to myself to keep my brain focused in this sea of endless students. The noise of their voices crashing against my ears, like waves to the cliffs. All of them clearing down the hallway to look for their class. After a while of navigating the ocean of teenagers, the halls have almost dried up in people and noise allowing me to finally find my physics room.

As I walk in to the full room the students all turn to look at me as well as the teacher, an array of confused looks head my way. Until of course I'm able to utter out a small sentence; "I-I'm new!" I look around waiting for a response. At that I see a boys head from all the way in the back shoot up and give me a strange glance, almost as if he'd been waiting or looking for me. I stand and think about it for a split second until my attention is drawn away, by the teachers voice. "Oh right! Class I would like to introduce you to Y/N Danvers. He will be joining us for the remainder of the year." He explains as the same boy's expression changes, as if he has some sort of objective or motive. "So, who will volunteer to be his partner for the rest of the semester? Extra credit will be granted." At the teachers announcement two people out of the entire class raise their hand. The first was a blonde girl with blue/green eyes, sitting two rows from the front on the right side of the class. The second being the burnett boy in the back left corner of the class.

"Ah... Ms Brant, thank you so much for volunteering, as for you Mr Parker thanks for the effort. Y/N please take a seat over there thank you very much." The teacher said pointing next to the blonde girl as he continued the lesson. While taking my seat the girl next to me smiled, "Hi I'm Betty!" She introduced herself, whispering very enthusiastically. "I'm Y/N but you already know that by now." I smiled back "So what brings you to midtown high? If you don't mind me asking." She asks politely. "Well I have always lived kinda near, it wasn't until recently though after the blip that my family wanted to stop homeschooling me. Then my mom was like 'You are going to normal school to socialise and whatnot' so sorry if I come off a bit strange." I nervously began to ramble. "No way that I so cool, so you've never been to a real school before?" Betty sports a grin on her face. "Well no... is that a bad thing?" I nervously question. "Huh? Oh no. It's not a big deal at all don't worry stick with me and everything will be just fine." She gives a sturdy response, yes go me making new friends... I think. "Thanks, so how long have you been going here?" I ask directing the attention towards her. "Well this is my third year, so I'm finally a junior." She begins to laugh.

After a while of talking back and forth the entire first period is officially over, and I officially have a new friend. The the rest of the day however begins to move slowly as not many seemed as interested in me as Betty. That or I'm actually doing something wrong and everyone thinks I'm weird. Besides that, lunch has officially begun and I am officially lost, again. Walking down what looks like the same hallway over and over again, trying to navigate the maze of lockers and trophy cases while also passing the occasional water fountain and bathroom. Eventually giving up I collapse onto the floor crisscrossing in the middle of the hallway allowing a loud groan to escape my lips; "AAAAAhhh!!!" I cried out not expecting anyone to have heard. "Is anyone there?" An unexpected response is shot back at me. Not wanting anyone to see me in my miserable state I immediately stand up. As I begin to turn away from the cold spot on the floor under an air vent, the same voice speaks again only this time closer.

"Were you just sitting on the floor?" Turning around greet who ever was there my face had officially turned pink with embarrassment. "Y/N, right?" I see the same strange boy from my physics class. What is his deal why does something seem so off to me about him. He always has this look on his face I can never exactly, recognize. He seems to be either expecting something, planning, or carrying something out. I just don't know what. "Yes, Parker???" I reply quickly as possible hoping I wasn't thinking for to long. "Peter, Peter Parker. Nice to meet you" he holds out his hand, unsurely I take it and we shake hands. Feeling a small tingle as I pull away, "So are you lost, or... what are you doing i-if you don't mind me asking." He says almost nervously, quickly admitting defeat I decide to explain my situation. "Yes I- There's a lot of hallways." I smiled earning a small chuckle from my strange acquaintance. "I can help you get to where you're going if-" "Y/N!!!" Peter is cut of by a familiar booming voice coming from the other end of the hall. "I was looking for you everywhere, and then I was like 'wait he's new so he must have gotten lost' and I couldn't have my new friend lost after I said I would stick with him." Turning to see Betty is the one who was speaking, I smile at the thought that my new friend came looking. "Sorry, Peter was just about to help me out with that. Uh see you around?" You ask Peter as you being to walk towards Betty. "Uh, yeah see you around." Peter waves as he begins to walk away to the opposite side of the hall.

"So where we headed?" I ask Betty. "I want to introduce you to a couple of my friends, and show you around of course." As the day went on I had the rest of my periods with Betty, and a couple of them with Peter although we didn't really speak to each other. We just sort of acknowledged each one another. When the day was finally over I was making my way to the front of the school to get picked up, still thinking about how I survived the day. "Got any plans this Wednesday?" Betty greets walking beside me. "Not that I'm aware of." I shoot a look wondering what's to fallow. "Good I'm going to the mall with a couple people from school, so I wanted to know if you wanna come. You know because you're new just wanna make sure you find everything well here. Aka get the full teenage experience." She elaborates. "That actually sounds pretty fun, but I'm gonna have to check in with my family first." "That's alright, just text me. Also we're wearing pink, just a heads up." The enthusiastic blonde informs. As we had finally made it to the parking lot Betty waved goodbye as she got in the passengers seat of a red sports car and zoomed. Leaving me to wait for my ride, all alone.

*Buzz*

My cell vibrates Indicating that I've received a message. Looking to see who it was that texted me the name on the text says Wanda. However before I get a chance to open, it she begins to call. "Hello." I greet as I slide the green button. "Hey Y/N/N, how was the first day?" "Better than anticipated." "Told you!" I could hear her giggle through the phone. "I'm gonna picking you up a block away, ok." My sister figure spoke. "Coolness see you in a bit then." "In a bit."

An: I'm going to admit I was not expecting chapter 1 to be anything but short, but there will be a part two up by next week to this chapter. Before finishing the deadline was reached sorry. Ps the next part will probably also be filler

Also sorry for the prologue I wasn't happy with it, I'm not sure on whether or not I'll end up posting it though

Feel free to comment, also what's up with Peter he's acting weird.

Tag List (ask to be put on)

@klanceiscannon14 @wiitchy-wooo @multifandom-slytherin @jonnyjay2413 @lazerman217

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Misc: My profile theme, music, and my identity (+ about 1000 other things..)

Definitely wouldn't be offended if this an easy skip for most. It is.. a hot mess, long and not particularly interesting. If you ain't supremely bored, you probably'd be better off not being curious on this one T^T

But hey I did enjoy writing it and I'm sure someday I at the very least will enjoy reading this so for me that's enuff boxes checked off to post 🤷‍♀️

This is another long post ngl. I've been on and off (mostly on 😭) writing since I woke up at like 11 am and its now 11pm. I wrote a few diff things so this one aint 12 full hours of writing or anything but I will admit it has been a long ass time on this one. Sorry in advance. i always seem to write a lot a lot when shit gets bumpy with R. Not even between us necessarily and the junk I be writing about don't be about her at all half the time I just be overexplaining and randomly going from topic wayyyyy worse than normal for some reason. I genuinely do not know why I'm like this bruh I used to write a little whiny vent note here and there pre R but now if i don't have one strict topic I'm talking/explaining I will write about any and everything that comes to mind as I'm going.

Oh god.. Me bringing this up reminds me of when she first said we had to talk less and I went nuts. That shit was so ghetto I deadass got fucked up on dxm so I'd stop freaking out over her dipping then DURINGGG the high I realized I was in love. I think after prolly.. 4ish hours of being like uh.. yeah there's no reason for me to be that damn tore up over us simply not talking as often... or her going through a breakup...... literally figured it out at the worst possibly time. THEN I was worried I just felt that way cause of the high so I just started writing everything out figuring like it'd wear off at some point when I was writing so I could see how I talked about it all throughout.

...which led me to write for damn near 24 hours straight....

I literally didn't sleep, eat, or do literally anything else for at least a good 16ish hours then took a small break cause I had to put away groceries and i got a single thing of pita bread, ate that shit plain, then got back to it. Lord looking back on that is so weird. I don't know what possessed me bruh I think I took another break around the 24 hour mark, either ate or sat there thinking for prolly.. an hour? 30 mins? Then did ANOTHER 12 hours of babbling. I had been using that notes app for literal years with no issue. But ofc.. all that time of writing straight had it crash on me a few times with one time wiping hourssss of writing. I wasn't saving all too often not thinking nothing of it but that shit crashed and I lost like 36k chars worth of junk and that changed ASAP. Plus.. I learned the shit had an 100k limit... so that was fun.

See? Overexplaining and RAMBLING. Deadass went from writing a quick head's up on the length of this post to talking about my weird ass drug induced love note shit. Why am i like this. ;-;

Anyway. Past this point is past me. Sorry for getting carried away in the warning

I wrote about this in a previous post but essentially, some random got the wrong idea and thought I was using Juice as my pfp as some sort of mockery? joke? i dunno

shits totally understandable and I'm sure anyone would figure out that ain't my intention after looking at my page for about .2 seconds. i mean.. if I were using him as the butt of some sort of joke you'd figure I'd mention it or something lol. Maybe that's only obvious to me though..

Anyway, I may change it to something new. I usually change my pfps for stuff fairly frequently if I'm on it a lot. When me and R were on the phone 24/7 I used to change my disc pfp at least 2-3 times within a 2 week period 😭

I dunno though I mean.. on one hand I don't really want this page to have all too many of my interests on it as for one I'm trying to stay at least semi anonymous but also I feel like it'd kinda be odd.. The Juice profile pic is one thing, as I listen to him all the damn time and I relate to a lot of his work. But I dunno.. wouldn't it be weird if I suddenly just changed my profile picture to a character that I like just cause they're cool? Wouldn't my page be more memorable if I have like. MY pfp MY username MY bio. Sorry it's hard to explain..

Like.. youtubers. They usually have a pfp and they keep it as that same one and people remember and recognize them off it. Or a few other types of influencers honestly. I feel like it's one thing when it's a personal acc where you really don't need people to recognize you off your pfp or user cause they'd just know you but my acc is kinda a grey area. I know damn well I ain't an influencer but I ain't exactly someone you'd just remember.

Maybe I'll compromise and only use Juice pictures.. I dunno

Speaking of Juice, I feel like now that I've been getting worse and worse his music became so much more relatable. I can't tell you how many times I've cried with my earbuds blaring 27 club. I wish I could share it all. I've never been a huge stickler for lyrics but growing up and going from understanding the story of a song to relating and living though the situations described has hit me so hard. I'm sure it ain't exactly a unique experience but still. It'd be cool to share my music and be able to talk about how I use each playlist and what it makes me think/feel

I would just link my spotify and keep it moving but ya know. More puzzle pieces of my identity

I think if I ever permanently kick the habit I might reveal myself but thats honestly a strooong maybe. I dunno like it aint so much of being ashamed/embarrassed of my addiction. Although, I won't exactly go around telling any and everyone I'm addicted to fucking otc allergy meds. i think R is the only one that knows specifically that I take dph. Everyone else I either never mention getting high or if I have I've only talked about weed highs. It just feels embarrassing given it's horrible hallucinatory effects on most people. While I don't get those, how th would they know that you know? 9 times out of 10 they're gonna google that shit, see mfs talking about having ghost conversations and the gosh dang hatman, then gon look at me crazy for continuing to take it over and over again. So yeah definitely a big factor, but I am honestly more worried about some concerned stranger finding my social media and telling my family/friends about this page or about my problem. That is my worst fear.

For one, this page is basically a diary. I go into specifics on shit that I would never tell anyone. Not that I'm particularly tooo ashamed of the shit I say about my personal life but

-A lot of it is not meant to be shit that just anyone knows. It's one thing when I'm just writing to the abyss/random strangers that wouldn't know who I'm talking about but if my family/friends were able to access this I'd have to be so much more guarded and careful about what I say on here cause they could more than likely guess or already know who I'm talking about

-Some of it is shit that I never want to discuss. I don't think I went too in detail on family dynamics but I don't even wanna bother opening that can of worms I'd rather pretend with everyone else that there is no issue and just do me once I leave

-Plus a lot of it is hypercritical shit I shouldn't even be thinking, let alone talking about. Just imagine finding out that one of your friends was out here telling everybody and they grandma that your boyfriend fucking sucks and you are clearly being blinded by their love for them? Or talking about how you know they won't last? Just like.. okay for one, even if they were right, you're not going to see it that way. You're gonna be questioning why they were doubting your relationship first and foremost but then I mean.. who wants to hear that? They're probably gonna tell you less about it and it'll strain yalls relationship, if not end it right then and there. Then by the time you can see it for what it is, it's 3 years later and it'd be awkward to become friends again

It does suck though. It would be real cool to make friends with someone cause of all my word vomit filled posts. I would love to show everyone all the shit I like to do in my freetime and beg everyone them cat/dog/literally pet pictures. Plus like, I dunno ever since R's been in my life I've learned to love any and all types of friendship

I used to be so offended when I'd have friendships that I only can get so close with. I'm so used to putting my all into all friendships and making sure to do whatever I can for them as long as it ain't hella inconvenient cause I always assumed that because I do, they'd do the same. But after seeing friendship after friendship fading as soon as I wasn't doing all that I used to be so mad. I felt like an outcast. But I think going through that time where my bsf and I were constantly texting or otp it made me a lot less available as far as doing all that extra to maintain friendships. I would be so focused on her I would damn near forget about talking with anyone. But even once we had to distance from each other some, I was still used to how I treated my other friends

I tried to cling to my less close friends trying to create that 100% on both sides thing but it kinda got.. hard. Ofc, the inevitable mental comparisons were nonstop. Literally couldn't breathe without thinking oh but if me and R were doing this I'd be comfy doing this or oh my god this game is borin if R were here we would prolly be doing our own thing by now and just talk instead or bruh I am literally on hour 459 of bubbly me if R was here I could probably get away with listening to whatever was going on in the background that day 💀💀💀

After I started doing that and started understanding my feelings, I kinda saw that I didn't even really want that sort of comfort with anyone else cause I didn't want them to expect all that and put me in a position where if me and my bsf started to talk more I'd be putting them on the backburner out of nowhere. I didn't think it would be fair of me you know? i don't want them to feel abandoned and unless Im in a place where I feel comfortable to not have to be one specific way with you I would prefer being alone anyway.

But feeling that way now made me see that it didn't really have to be one or the other. I've seen that no one really minded when I responded a bit late cause I was busy with R. And I would run to her with all my emotion stuff so I wasn't all too bothered if they never inquired about mine. And thennnnn I randomly got this dm from this girl I talked to when I was still at my dorm and that's when I really learned the joy of that shit

Hm ig you wouldn't really need to know specifics on that for the point I was tryna make. Maybe I'll talk about her someday. But yeah it was just so nice like. Hey I don't need you to be savior mode, human notepad mode, or hehe haha everything funny mode 24/7. We aren't close and you and I both know that. We can just have our fun when we happen to remember each other's existence and come back 8 mo later like nothing ever happened

Don't get me wrong, I love R so much and I love that we go out the way to talk to each other every day no matter what. It makes me feel really good to know that even with us not being able to be as close with each other now she still makes sure we don't lose contact with each other. Things are really different now and ofc I still miss how it was before but knowing that we can both acknowledge that our friendship had to change but still caring enough for each other to put in the effort to evolve into something else rather than letting it all go because it aint the same is something that is so precious. I wouldn't trade that for the world. But at the same point I've grown to love casual friends sm.

It's nice to not always worry about how they're gonna think if i do xyz or I don't reach out every so and so many days. I don't always need to hide or do the absolute most to maintain the friendship we can just enjoy each others company for a bit then go back on our separate ways til we reach out again. No hard feelings if we ignore a text or answer late cause we genuinely have no idea what we do on the day to day. And the pressure of only being one specific way with them gets lesser and lesser the longer yall stay apart inbetween. I think the biiggest example of that is this one long term but shallow friendship with this one girl I met in 9th grade that one year I lived in arizona.

I used hate that since I just got there she had all these older friends that she would talk diff to and generally be more close with. I thought once I moved back to Michigan we'd stop talking after a year or two and we weren't all tooo close so I didn't think nothing of it. But then I think like.. prolly 8ish months after that we started talking talking then we stopped. Then prolly another 6 mo later we did it again. And we just kept on doing that again and again and again. It used annoy me cause it felt like she only would remember my existence to tell me about her breaking up with one dude and getting with another or house drama or all that junk. It didn't help that she joked about my life being dry allllll the damn time too so I felt like she only talked to me to judge me and tell me all this shit as if I was supposed to gawk at all of it cause I didn't do anything intresting in her opinion. It didn't help that I never really felt comfortable telling her about any fr fr struggles i was having cause of how I thought she perceived me

It all came to a head when she got mad at me for pointing out that cycle one of these days. I think she texted me soon soon after all that shit with R was going down so I was salty already offrip. She usually starts texting first talking about some bruhhh YOU NEVER TEXT MEEE which this time was a lie. When we got back cool cool a few months back we started to taper off again. This time tho I made sure to text more often during that thinking things would ramp back up if I put more effort into showing I didn't forget her. It didnt really help as she was being dry 95% of the time so I stopped after like a month. I said that and kinda passive aggressively said that we do this all the time lets just get to the catching up part. Which was true but at the same point, so rude. I was still under that impression that she was gonna judge me and I felt like I had so much to look down on so I just was overly defensive and hostile for no damn reason

We skipped talking that time around which was honestly fair. I thought we'd never talk again after that and I forgot it even happened ngl. But then like 2 mo later she reached out again and with my new perspective on friendships I really saw it for what it was. I mean sure, she can be kind of a dick sometimes and she is kinda a magnet for drama at times cause she is pretty impulsive at times which leads her to speak before she thinks on shit but like.. she never means any harm you know? And plus, she is so caring bruh. Literally would do whatever she needs to for her friends. I genuinely forgot this happened but when my old job fired me for not attending this mandatory meeting on my day off (a blessing in disguise tbh I was thinking about quitting anyway) she was SWIFTTT to do a fake review on they shit. I'm sitting there like bruh chill it aint even that deep and by the time I got that out she already wrote a damn review saying they had shitty customer service (which was actually true lmao), racist ass manager (lowkey true as well 💀💀💀) and they ice cream be tasting like CARBOARD (now that I couldn't even support they shit be good good T^T)

Getting close with R and slowing down to where we are now showed me there's alot more to friendship's than opening up about each and every secret you've ever had you know? I still consider R my best friend, even with us not talking as much, both us not being as open, or us not hanging out as much. That all sounds like we don't even like each other more damn wth. LOOKKKK. Sure, there are times where I'm jealous and salty about how things are. And ofc I'm still mad that I KNOW she will get butthurt if I watch aggretsuko with someone else even though I have literally been pestering her about that shit for HALF THE DAMN YEAR. And at times she's overly territorial over me and I be sliiightly tempted to do shit just to watch her show out and other times she'll say the dumbest shit about herself that makes me wish I could teleport to her with a rolled up newspaper in tow.. But like, at the end of the day she knows me better than anyone ever has and I know her in a lot of ways that people don't understand. We're super similar and relieving to know that you know? At the end of the day I know that no matter what she'll be there for me and she trusts me to do the same for her which hasn't changed, even with how shit is now, her effort trumps everything.

Which is something I've grown to appreciate a lot more in general. Ofc including on and off friends like the girl from AZ. It grew to make a lot of the small annoying habits of hers feel a lot diff. I noticed how we really never had an awkward easing back in stage.

Every time, without fail we start with

damn you DONT TEXT MEEE!! DO YOU NOT LIKE ME ???

>:U

*insert defense junk*

yeah yeah I dont wanna HEAR IT 🙄

Then boom we get to catching up. Plus 99% of the time she got a game she wanna play. We usually just go to that then continue on talking and junk for a few days. At max a week and a half. I'll send a message here and there and she be DRY so I stop and then we dip for another few months.

It's so weird to think about honestly. We've been friends for 5ish years now. I only have one other long term friend as my years of moving back and forth led most to forget I existed and I met him in 7th. I dunno to me her and him were completely different in my mind cause of the frequency and nature of our convos. But it's just like.. nowadays I tear up thinking about them sometimes. Sure they got they own pros and cons but at the end of the day, they're consistent. We've all changed a lot throughout the years and I know they've met soooo many people that'll probably not die off the face of the earth every two seconds and I'm sure they both have friends they're a lot closer with but they still bothered to keep in touch even when it woulda been hella easy to just move on

Bruh thinking about it now got me tearing up (...as you can see I've been drinking water today 🙃) They may not be the first people I think to go to when shit gets rough but they've made it clear that they care about me for more than what I can do for them and that is mooooore than enough for me. I hope I keep them around forever. I try to be a lot better on checking in on em nowadays. I'm not amazing with that shit still and I still'll go weeks without speaking but uh. We getting there T^T

Though AZ girl is the reason I say bruh so much.. I hate her for that TO THIS DAY. she used to say breh and bruh after every sentence and it would make the shit she be saying 20000x funnier. I tried to steal it for jokes too but then it just start slipping out and now I prolly say it more than she ever did ANDD she don't even say it like that no more 😭

...

I went on so hard of a tangent I literally forgot what I brought this shit up for.. I had to go back up and reread it's been like 6 hours since I said that junk 💀💀💀

SEE like talking with me is fun on one hand cause as long as we aint sitting there making small talk we gon go through about 70 billion topics within 5 mins but then on the other if you had something to say about a topic we already went past??

gl.

T_T

All that was all to say that I've grown to really appreciate distant but consistent friendship. To me, it at times shows a lot more care and appreciation than having someone listen to you rant about xyz. Cause I mean, it's kinda easy to not be a dick and listen but it takes effort to keep coming back no matter what we talked about.

Damn do you think I should give the girl from AZ a name?

Nah I kinda like that long ass name for her lmao

But look at her. I barely spoke to her for months and I basically swatted her away when she was just tryna catch up and look at us. Well. We in an off period rn..

OO actually she said she loved me the last time we were on the phone and I said it back thinking that she possibly was talking to someone else but just incase you know. BUT SHE GOT SO HAPPY BRUH OMGG

Shit was so sweet. I would say it more often if it didn't wear off the novelty so quick

But yeah like look at that. I've barely told her about any of my struggles and 5 years later we're still just as close. I can't even count how many people I've heard detailed and long rants from that just dipped from my life once they were doing better off and by the time they got back in that mindset they've already either forgot about me or think it'd be too awkward to get back in touch. Not to say it's easy to talk about that stuff, cause it aint. But venting to a complete random is not exactly risky either. I feel like it honestly has lost it's effect on me nowadays. I would rather have 400 distant and shallow friendships that last for years and years and years than the 400 deep and super relatable friends that just disappear once they find greener pastures.

I hope that someday I'll feel comfortable revealing my identity on here. I didn't mean to imply that any possible friendships from this are gonna be shallow by default ofc. More so was saying I'm a lot more open minded about a lot of different sorts of relationships you know? I wanna explore more types like.. as soon as humanly possible atp T-T

Anywho uh. I think that's enough vaguely pointed rambling for one post. Very sorry to future me reading this. I know you prolly gon wanna stomp me out for always leaving you so damn much to read..

me is withdrawing atp soooo I'm either gon try and sleep the shit off or get to solving that 💀

gn/gm depending on when youre reading this. I hope youre doing okay