#webmd says its possibly safe which is not safe enough 4 me sorry

[holeposts]

my insomnia is such a bitch because there's nothing that just consistently works. a supplement or a technique will work for a while and then just suddenly stop working for no reason. low-dose melatonin worked for a years and now it actually keeps me awake. background music worked for a while and now it just distracts me from falling asleep. it's like a picky child who says apples are their favorite food and then the next day spits those apples right into your face. fuck this.

[veridium]

just another girl

HELLO, HOT MESS EXPRESS. 

Here I have one hot, out-of-the-angst-oven segment of Isabella’s and my baby, our college AU adventures. Safe to say, Olivia is not having a great week. But, in the true queer tradition, friendship backs you up and shines when would-be-romance falls flat. So, I thought she could use some quality time with a certain brilliant woman by the name of Montilyet...

special thanks to The Killers for being the soundtrack inspo for this segment (obvi..)

part 1 // part 2 // part 3 // part 4 // part 5 // part 6 // part 7 // part 8 // part 9 // part 10 // part 11 // part 12 // part 13 // part 14 // part 15

--

Her weekend could have best been represented by the barrage of texts she gets over the course of two days. Ones she doesn’t even begin responding to until Sunday evening:

Theia: Hey, Ellinor messaged the group chat for you. You wanna go out tonight? You know dancing always cheers you up! Btw I’m gonna kill her

-

Sera: Hey dude, I’m on my way back into town, ya need anything? I can pick up some of the weed from that shop outside town…

Sera: ya know, the one you kept calling “smokin’ hot blonde”?

-

Dorian: Not that I care, but you haven’t annoyed work chat with memes, so...I thought I’d ask, you alive?

-

Josie: Theia told me everything. I have a busy week, but keep Wednesday at 2 open for me? It’s back quad bikini time :)

The queer web is tiny, but mighty.

The last message is the most foreboding in its enthusiasm. Josephine joined into their friend group after her and Theia fell head over heels for each other. An unlikely pairing -- a college dropout-turned-mechanic and the SGA President and leader of several clubs. But they were so good together; despite their differences, they made sense.

She used to wonder the same thing about her and Cassandra, but, that is something she can’t even stomach anymore. She can only cry, cry, and cry some more. She cries so much the 24 hours after their meeting that she googles WebMD asking if it’s possible to die or get sick from it. But, eventually, the faucet does run dry. 

If it wasn’t for Ellinor’s supervision and assurance that Olivia gets in and out of the shower, has at least two decent meals both days, and has plenty of space to grieve, she would have likely receded into her closet of emo clothes and hid for the rest of the semester. If you went simply by the sounds coming from her door, you’d swear Paramour was having their own multi-day music festival in her room. The more she languishes the more it feels pointless: an argument that ended unresolved and with so much left unsaid. But it isn’t just the argument, or the flyer, or the kiss that crashed before it even took off. It’s the whole fucked up pizza: the fact that Cassandra gives her so much and so little at the same time. Little to no blunt reassurance, but all the feelings that come with it.

Olivia knows she’s gotten in deep when, even in the thick of her weekend haze, she still checks her phone for texted musings or rants from a certain someone. But there’s nothing. She listened, perhaps for the last time.

When Monday morning rolls around she figures the best way to move on is to suppress and get on with everything. Ellinor is on day 3 of quietly walking on air since she dropped off the cookies on Saturday. She’s glowing, even dressed in her linty green-and-blue flannel draped over her black ripped jeans and grey tank top. Her hair is braided all pretty, too, and walks with more energy down into the stairwell than Liv has ever seen her in the early Monday morning. Cullen’s making her happy.

Good. As he should.

Monday and Tuesday are the days when she tries her best to latch back onto reality. Monday it’s a sweatshirt in jeans, no makeup, but washed hair. Her homework is done -- not as meticulously as it usually is -- but it is correct. She gives back graded work to the class she TA’s for and despite a few groans and curses, the class is too happy with not having a Professor to talk at them to bother her. Or, maybe it’s the way everything about her aura screams “don’t fuck with me, I’m on my last fucking straw, you fresh meat.”

Tuesday evening she walks home after work, keys in her hand and gym bag on her shoulder. She notices the same preps that scowled at her in the parking lot hanging out in the window of one of the student cafes. They don’t know she exists, and happily talk amongst themselves, though they have the same air of “too good for everyone but Jesus and even then, it’s debatable.” She stops on the curb and stares, pondering whether or not to confront them. She could be ballsy since she has nothing left now to lose, and have a rom-com triumph moment.

Her hand buzzes from her phone, which she is clenching with unresolved angst.

Josie: Don’t forget about tomorrow! I’ll bring Starbucks. Theia says hello. XO

Josie Montilyet. Josephine Montilyet. You never broke plans with her if you were an acquaintance, and you surely never did so when you were friends. Olivia sighs to herself and responds with a heart emoji. After that she looks down the sidewalk, and can see the top corner of her dorm building through the various peaks of red brick and concrete architecture. The trees nuzzled in between them have been changing color, and now match. It’s the season where everyone is getting together and finding who they want to take home to the parents for the holidays. Everyone’s holding hands or studying up against one another. Somewhere, for all she knows -- who is she kidding, she does know -- Ellinor is either cuddling or wishing she could cuddle her selected partner.

She slips her phone into her coat pocket and pushes her headphones into her ears. With a sore heart she keeps walking. The preps aren’t worth it. Not this time.

--

The following day she goes to class and doesn’t bother with anything else. Wednesdays are when she and Cassandra would cross paths on the north pavement on quad in the morning, and say hello. She wants nothing to do with it, now, and heads out the back door of her building after her class.

Cassandra has become like a ghost to her by day 5 of their embargo on one another. She doesn’t show her face anywhere near Olivia’s dorm, and neither does Olivia tread near the suites where she and her puppy-dog roommate dwell. It starts to become a question of whether or not she cared enough to miss her when they aren’t speaking. Irrational, but, in the silence it’s easy to think Cassandra in all her stoicism is somewhere on campus unaffected, doing soccer drills or making freshman philosophy majors cry.

But she still checks her phone, and still there are no messages. Reading the old ones again and again has gotten old. No word, no face, no presence. Just wondering about and rehearsing the disaster that caused it all in her head, over, and over, and over again. This is getting ridiculous, she thinks to herself, as she gets back to her dorm at 1:30pm. Ellinor is there, stopped in for a quick pick-up of a few things before she is off to wherever she has plans to be.

“Hey, Queen of the Underworld,” Ellinor knocks on her open door before stepping in. Olivia has taken to laying across her bed, hands across her stomach. “Whatcha up to?”

She shrugs. “Relaxing.”

“You’re looking good. Is that...highlighter I see on those cheeks?” she pinches her on the side of her hip and sits down beside her on the bed. “Did you, dare I say, contour this morning?”

Olivia rolls her eyes and grins like the sour brat she is. “I had to, I’m hanging out with Josephine today and she makes me feel like a turnip when I am in her glorious presence.”

“I see,” Ellinor snorts, leaning onto her elbow. “So Theia sent her after you to make sure you’re alive? What, am I not good enough?”

“It’s not that! It’s just...ya know, the queer mafia. We look out for one another. Everyone knows everyone or knows someone who would know the someone you want to know.”

Ellinor tilts her head. “That...makes absolutely know sense. Can you speak human, please?”

Olivia giggles and pokes her in the nose, causing her to laugh along with her. Ellinor stands up and circles the room -- the room Olivia took care to stress clean Monday night after she realized she was living in the squalor of her depression. It looks good, but it’s not as homey or warm as it usually feels.

“Well, you have a good time, then. I’m sure Josie has a plan for resurrecting you. That woman is formidable.”

“Pfft,” Olivia huffs, “there’s a reason why she has diplomatic immunity in like three countries, okay.”

“Three?! The fuck?” Ellinor turns. “How?”

“Fuck if I know!”

“I thought she just studied abroad a bunch.”

Olivia sits up and leans against the wall. “Yeah, but, she--”

“I merely interned at several government agencies during my abroad summers, Ellinor,” a bright, brilliant voice projects confidently from the doorway. “The diplomatic immunity is more like a diplomatic ‘acknowledgement.’”

Josephine steps in like an angel descending upon the unworthy mortals of 21C hall. Dressed in a purple sundress and holding a lawn chair under one arm and her back of scholarly secrets in the other, her hair in a voluminous ponytail of curls and braids. She is taller than them both, not by much, but her presence makes it feel like ten feet of difference.

She smiles, and looks to Olivia. “Hello, my dear. Sorry, I arrived a bit early.”

Olivia’s brows are lifted, mouth in an agape “O.” “H-hey, Josie, it’s no trouble. I’m ready anyways.”

Josie gives her the once-over. “That is an interesting fashion interpretation of ‘bikini.’”

“Oh, crap, right,” Olivia exhales and slides off her bed. While she goes to her closet to pick out her swimsuit that’s without a doubt buried under ten mountains of fall wear, Josephine and Ellinor are left to make conversation. Which goes something like this:

“Hey, Josie.”

“Hello, Ellinor! How are you?”

“Uh, good. I’m good. I’m...this boy I’m hanging out with is really cool, and…” she blurts it out, her words slightly fumbling with...silliness? Is she feeling silly all of a sudden? No, it’s just the warm and open tolerant atmosphere Josie seems to bring wherever she goes, emanating like perfume.

“I have heard! You both look adorable together, may I just say. The perfect combination of grunge and gullible charm. Very sweet!”

“I...thanks!” Ellinor smirks, embarrassed and honored at the same time. Olivia knows the feeling. “I...I feel like I’ve said things I never would say out loud ever in my life. I...I think I should go. I have to study anyway, uh, thanks for taking Olivia out.”

Olivia looks back and glares. “Taking me out?! Am I a chihuahua or something?”

Josephine laughs the scorn off the room with ease. “It is no trouble. I’ve missed her! Thank you for sharing her, Ellinor. Take care.”

Ellinor smiles and waves like a BBQ dad and sees herself out, a little too eager to not be basking in the light of Josephine Montilyet and the self-deprecating honesty she seems to inspire in her wake. Now alone with her, Olivia plays with the strings of her bikini in her hands, a bit timid at the idea.

“You sure this is a good idea, Josie? I mean, It’s Fall, and…”

“Agh, of course I am! It is currently 78 degrees outside and no wind. It is probably one of the last hot days of the year. Besides, it’s you who’s in need of some sun, my dear vampiric friend.”

Olivia blushes and side-eyes her standalone mirror in the corner, where indeed, her paleness is the first noticeable thing about her reflection. Cringing to herself, she takes a breath and nods. “Alright, you’ve got a point.”

“I know I do,” Josie giggles, stepping towards the door. “Now, you get that little number on and let’s get out of here. I am finally going to hear all about this mystery person Theia says she doesn’t know yet swears she’s going to kill her.”

“You think she would?” Olivia chuckles, taking off her cardigan.

“Psh! Over my beautiful, curvy, and impossible to improve or replace body if she does,” Josie winks with a tease. “Now, hurry, or we’ll run into the in-between class rush at Starbucks and they have a berry tea with my name on it.”

--

Front quad was the picturesque place where everyone walked and the marketing photographers for the university took more pictures than they needed. Pretty, but boring.

Back quad, on the other hand, was where students could lounge and sprawl on blankets and under trees and actually be themselves. Everyone from couples sucking face to the school’s rollerblading club can be found there. It’s an interesting dichotomy, divided by the Honors building and clock tower at the heart of campus. When Josephine and Olivia were first getting to know each other, it was when Theia was still enrolled, and back quad was a more frequented hangout spot.

Having gotten their iced teas -- which ended up being heaven sent, as Josie was right about the heat -- they find their spot by one of the walkways intersecting the quad lawn and put up camp. Two short lounge chairs and a red blanket to go underneath, and that is all it takes for Josie to set her stuff down and slip off her dress.

“Ugh, thank goodness,” she says with relief, revealing her high-waisted yellow two-piece, “It’s been too long.”

Olivia, more paranoid given her last two weeks of ‘yikes’-worthy circumstances, delays her strip-down. Shoving her hair up in a bun, it’s hard not to feel like eyes could be on her at any point, trying to find more reasons to hate her.

“You come all this way just to get sweater tan lines?” Josie asks, settling into her chair and pulling a book onto her lap.

“Uh, no,” Olivia shakes her head. She knows what Josie is doing, because everything Josie does has a dual-benevolent purpose. So, she goes along, for the sake of appreciating her taking the time. Slipping out of her shorts and over-sized sweater, Liv reveals her black string bikini. 

People from across the quad stop and stare at them, and that is the point. As she sits down on her chair and puts on her large round black sunglasses, she wishes they could all scram.

“It’s always a good idea to spend time out in one’s community,” Josie narrates, in her half-flirty, half-student body Presidential tone.

“You think?”

“Yes, Liv,” Josie plays and puts her own sunglasses on. “Especially for the one for whom papers are pinned onto doors mocking her sacred bodily and sexual autonomy.”

Olivia blushes and looks at her. “Josie! You know?!”

Josie hunches one shoulder. “I...may have...inquired…”

“Ugh,” Liv tossed her head back, her legs scrunching up against her stomach. “I want to disappear. I want to disappear into this grass lawn and never emerge again. God almighty.”

While she laments, Josie closes her book onto her thumb gently and reaches a hand, resting it on Liv’s forearm. It’s comforting, if not a sweet bit of salt on her wounds. “Liv, don’t worry, it won’t be a thing if you don’t want it to be. I just wanted to show some...solidarity. I know SGA Presidents don’t have all the clout in the world, but, we do have some to spare.”

Dual plan revealed, then. Olivia can’t blame her, nor can she be mad at her. Josie didn’t ascend into her roles by being cold and calculating in her ambition; she did because she was everyone’s favorite. She visited people in the tutoring lounges, shared baked goods with custodial staff, and learned everyone’s secrets which she handled with the warmest, and indeed precise, attention. Things got a bit rough for her when it was revealed she was queer, and dating someone not necessarily in her scholarly echelon, but that was a year ago. If anything, it made her a bit more unapologetically decisive. She did not mince her words, or her loyalties.

“I just…” Olivia held her breath, “I handled it. It’s fine. That flyer was where it ended.” And where her and Cassandra ended, ultimately. Ouch.

“Are you sure?” Josie slid back further into her lounging position, reopening her book. She reached over to her bag and found one of her lecture notebooks, flipping it to the page she last left notes on. “I mean, remember what I got when I went public with Theia?”

“Yeah, but, Josie, the people after you were also being racist assholes. You had reason to be concerned. All I got is one shitty note and suddenly everything has become a Victorian serial novel. And Cassandra, she...it’s gone too far with the intrigue. I’m fine. It was just some foolish prank.”

Josie does a tsk tsk click of her tongue, her head tilting from side to side. Her thinking maneuver. “That’s how they like to start it, Olivia. But you’re giving them what they want -- that’ll just make them think they can demand more of you while being anonymous still. You remember what I ended up doing after the five-hundredth gossip post on Yik Yak, after weeks of me trying to keep my relationship private?”

Olivia puckered her lips while she recalled. It was a long while ago, though that drama was hard to forget even when she was just a witness to it. Then, the light bulb went off.

“Hah!” Olivia concedes gleefully, “you lounged out on quad in your bikini with Theia during that heat wave spring semester.” Damn. Some things never changed when it came to college survival tactics.

Olivia looks and sees Josie smiling with pride, head held high while she pulls the cap off her yellow highlighter. “Precisely.”

They settle into homework and lounging, Olivia feeling her shoulders and arms burn even with her double layer of SPF 100 rubbed on. People walk by, more often than not glancing their way, some with smiles and others with confused frowns. A lot of them say hello and greet Josie, who matches their excitement at every turn. Endless energy, endless kindness. At one point, a couple of players from Cullen and Cassandra’s soccer team walk by -- something that makes Olivia want to crinkle up like a raisin. If it wasn’t for Josie’s confidence encouraging her to remain as she is, she likely would. They gawk at her, one nodding as if he knows her, but they don’t engage. Olivia just pouts, spread out in her itty-bitty-gothic-bikini, her sunglasses providing ample cover.

“Josie!” a voice called from up the walkway, paired with a waving hand. Both women looked up, Liv’s heart skipping a beat. It’s no one she recognizes, though. Thankfully.

“Ah! Leliana, there you are.”

The woman is dressed like a European artist and jet-setter, really. A head of red hair in an asymmetrical bob, precision cut and shining in the sunlight. Her black blazer looks tailored, rolled up sleeves on her elbows. She walks like she owns the whole college but doesn’t want anyone to know. A subtle kind of boldness. Upperclassmen, at the very least. Grad student, maybe.

She’s holding folders to her chest. When she arrives in front of them, Josie stands and hugs her. So they were friends.

“I’ve brought the reports you wanted. I only had to slightly hack,” Leliana grins, handing them off to Josie. “Just slightly.”

“Ah, well, don’t worry. It should be public knowledge anyway.” Public knowledge? What on Earth were they uncovering? The location of the stolen Declaration of Independence?

Olivia watches and remains still, laying out on her chair and hoping to blend into it like camouflage. Unfortunately, when the hand-off is completed, Leliana’s lightly-colored eyes look past the SGA President and onto her companion behind her.

Nope, too pale. Always too pale. Makes her noticeable from space.

“And is this who I think it is?” she asks, like she already knows the answer and is just being nice.

Olivia’s brow twitches. “Depends on what informs your thinking, I would say,” she replies a bit curtly, her mouth getting ahead of her manners.

Leliana’s grin widens. “Blonde hair, blunt mouth, and bold style. Olivia Sinclair, we meet at last.”

What? The? Fuck?

Olivia stands at once, trying to make it look casual. She pulls at the drawstrings on either end of her bikini bottom piece and comes a bit closer.

“And who, might I ask, knows me so well?”

Josie makes room, now the mediating person between the two staring at each other. Of course, she is never one to be out of her element in odd social situations, and holds a hand out to the both of them.

“I cannot believe you two don’t know each other! Liv, Leliana takes classes in your major. Leliana, this is, indeed, Olivia.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t think we’ve had any classes with her, Josie, so I wouldn’t know.” Olivia does her best to go along with Josie’s pleasantries, but if her reputation precedes her as being bold and blunt, why not fit the bill?

“No, I’m afraid she’s right,” Leliana agrees, “I am more involved with the communications and international studies than poli sci. You?”

Olivia doesn’t miss a beat. “Governance, theory, and policy.” Reciting her major focus word for word, like she’s had to say so many times before.

“Mhm.” Leliana folds her arms, vindicated. “It’s nice to put a face to the name, though. You probably gathered the fact, but, I’ve heard about you.”

Olivia grows a bit colder under her skin, and she folds her arms to match her posture. “From who, exactly? Do you mean Josie?”

“From…” Leliana’s grin grows into a smile, “people I know, and know well. People whose recommendation I consider very...well, what would the word be?” she glances at Josie.

“Ah, esteemed, maybe?” Josie offers happily.

“Yes...esteemed, we’ll go with that.” Her eyes return to Olivia. “Like I said, it’s good to meet you. Now that I know you are also friends with Josie, I imagine we’ll see more of each other. I am the Honor Board Chair, and sitting in for the SGA Secretarial position as the previous person had to...resign, rather recently.”

“Oh?” Olivia replies, interested but also not. Even though she was a poli sci major, she had no interest in student government. Too ceremonial for her tastes. Obviously, though, some people did not agree.

“Yes,” Leliana snickered a bit, looking at Josie. “Well, student government drama as per usual,” she has a sudden burst of personability, shrugging and letting her arms fall and pat her sides. “I should get going. I have a review for my drawing class tomorrow and have made shit progress on it since yesterday. See ya, Josie. And you, Olivia.” She waves low and sees herself off back on the sidewalk path heading east, where the art buildings are.

In her wake, Olivia feels like she’s no longer in the direct eye of a hawk.

“Uh…” she relaxes, “Josie, you have interesting taste in friends.”

Josie giggles. “You know it. Leliana and I go way back, though. Back to first semester Model UN. She was a ruthless lobbyist. But she has a heart of gold, too. She’s a student Chaplain when she’s not being a superhero on Cabinet. I think you two would get along, she has a lot of of views you do.”

“Views? Like what?”

“You both want a different pie as opposed to a slice of it. I’ll just say that.” Josie gracefully steps over her lounge chair and seats herself back down, sighing with ease as she gets back to ‘business.’

“Huh,” Olivia gives in, and sits down as well. Crossing her straightened legs out and grabbing her textbook, her thoughts can’t let go of the knowing stare in Leliana’s green -- or were they blue? Anyway, they were eyes, and eyes that did not get distracted easy by the looks of them.

“So...you and Cassandra Pentaghast.” Josie returns the topic Liv had tried her hardest to let fall into irrelevance. 

Olivia flinches, huddling her book against her chest. “People can hear!”

Josie laughs and flutters her hand dismissively. “Oh, fine, fine. I just wish you would have mentioned it earlier. She and I run in similar circles, after all. I could have given you advice!”

“Advice on what? How to get tossed into the lake to sink or swim on accusation of witchcraft?” Olivia groans. It was such a pleasant afternoon for as long as it lasted. Now she’s back in her own personal circle of hell, talking about her.

“Agh, you’re so funny,” Josie giggles some more. “I would have told you where I’ve seen her, what seems to pique her fancy...or, in her case, doesn’t. Her family has investments in half the town’s commerce. They’re on boards for most every nonprofit entity: museums, parks, the art galleries…”

Art galleries. Art. Oh, shit.

Olivia slams her book shut and looks up. “Wait, shit, you don’t think she’ll be at the Board gala this weekend?!” she asks, but she has a hunch. She knows Cassandra well enough (regrettably) to infer such a schmoozing, elitist event would be the antithesis of a good Saturday night for her. Still, in Olivia’s desperate suspicion, nothing can go unchecked.

Josie is cool as a cucumber in comparison to her friend’s frazzled nerves. “I don’t think so. The soccer team has that game this weekend, I thought? I was supposed to show, but, my parents want me at the gala. Yvette’s painting is being exhibited there. Finally, all that art school tuition…” she starts, but stops the sentence and sighs, turning the page of her book. “Anyway, Cassandra is not the social butterfly her family might wish her to be. I hardly ever see her at events with our families, and when I do, she’s always keeping to the background and quick to leave.”

That is her. Olivia can almost quote her off of her memory: Events where nothing substantial is going on besides drinking and showing off money make me want to stick pins in my eyes. It made Olivia laugh, because in her own way, she agrees. Especially with everything her own family puts her through to make her shape up for who they think she should be. It was one of the many reasons why Olivia feels seen when she was in Cassandra’s company. Or, felt, as it was.

“It is kinda fascinating, though. I mean, Cassandra’s one of those women people wonder about...you know, who they...are attracted to,” she raises a brow, “but no one’s ever had the guts. It’s like a movie.”

It is like a movie, and it’s exhausting. “Well, if anything, I’ve likely just confirmed the conservative estimates. At least she won’t be there this weekend and I can keep getting space. I don’t want to worry about running into her. I have enough on my mind, emotionally preparing for my Mother’s bullshit.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t answer for her. Don’t you hate that when people try to do it for you?” Josephine doesn’t bother looking up from her reading, but she delivers honest criticism. It hits home. “And as for your Mom, you should just tell your you’ll go shopping with me. She loves me, does she not?”

“Hah! Yeah,” Olivia confirms, “I think if I told her you were my girlfriend, she’d lie and say she listened to Macklemore and had a come-to-Jesus moment. Shit, she’d probably start fundraising for the Human Rights Campaign.”

They both laugh, Josephine’s bubbly tone underpinned by Olivia’s lower, mischievous one.

“If only,” Josephine says through her laughter, “but hey, at least we can find something for you to wear that isn’t sequined, lace, and beige.”

“Ugh, please?!”

“I have my connections,” Josephine peers at her, and takes hold of her hydroflask, a large pansexual pride flag sticker pasted on it. Olivia chuckles and grabs her own canteen, which has a bisexual flag sticker on it to match. They clink them together, smile, and continue on with their strategic lounging.

“That never gets old,” Olivia sighs, picking back up on the paragraph she left off.

[1suebop]

My depression story- November 2018:

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor with any medical training except for my own personal study and experiences. Please consult your own very experienced physician about any medications or treatments that are specific to your situation.

Hello, friends. I am a 51 year old woman who resides in Oregon in the US. I’m a mom of five healthy children and have been married for 30 years. So, yes, a very blessed life—no severe tragedies in my life thus far to cause severe MMD/TRD. My personal, and unprofessional, belief is that depression comes from either an outer tragic experience, a deep poor mental perspective, or a physical anomaly – or any combination of the 3. I deeply wanted to share the story of my battle with depression for the past 17 years because it is with great hope that someone out there will read it and get (real) information from a (real) human being that has been through a lot of treatments and medications.

I am going to try and hit the highlights quickly:

I had had postpartum depression after each of my five babies that always took a few months but eventually disappeared. That is, until baby number five, when the start of 17 years of depression began.

My OB recognized the signs and immediately put me on an SSRI. After 4 days, the sun came out! I was completely sold on medications at that point. Sadly, it pooped out after about a year.

We moved to Oregon then and I had to start over with a new family doctor, then a psychological nurse, then my first psychiatrist. (as of now, I’ve had 3 psychiatrists here in Oregon).

All of the medical personnel, I believe, did the best they could with the training and experience they had. However, there was a particular class of medications that no one ever offered me : MAOIs (specifically Parnate or tranylcypromine). In my humble opinion, this is a travesty against human kind. If you have the time, research it and see its success rates. Also, a super experienced doctor in Australia named Ken Gillman, whom I’ve had the pleasure of Skyping with, has a very thorough web site on MAOIs called psychotropical.info.

A bit more of my medical experience : I’ve been on so many different antidepressants and meds to augment them, that I couldn’t possibly remember them all. I do remember a lot of switching, titrating up, and complete experimentation. After being on a combo of Effexor (venlafaxine—AND PLEASE READ BELOW WHAT I WROTE OF THE WORLD’S MOST AWFUL DRUG!) and Abilify, my doctor was so desperate (as I was) she included the amphetamine, Vyvanse, which worked great until I had hit the maximum dose and it just wasn’t enough anymore. She then added Adderall to the mix. Again, Adderall needed to be increased in time to get the desired effect. I now had officially become a drug addict in my opinion. Oh, and Klonopin (clonazepam) combined with Clonidine to be able to sleep at night – no surprise there. I also do not want to leave out that I have had a psychotherapist for 2 years – one of the best things to come out of this trial (and he has become my very dear friend as well).

EFFEXOR (VENLAFAXINE) NOTE: While this particular drug may appear to be just another antidepressant, it is NOT! I know that it is effective for some and possibly worth the risk. But please do not go into it blindly. The physicians that prescribe it (I believe) do not know about the withdrawal effects. To name a few which last for 6 weeks to many months after the last dose: sever nausea, sweats/chills, constant brain “zaps”, body aches, and even more severe depression had it not ever been taken at all. I have contacted the FDA about this drug in hopes that at the very least, physicians, and therefore patients, will be fully informed of the chance they are taking. I personally am NOT a fragile flower (my liver can metabolize just about anything) and I swear to you, EFFEXOR should truly be taken off the market.

In the last 12 months…. I have withdrawn from Clonidine, Abilify, Adderall, Vyvanse (pure h***), and continue to withdraw from Effexor (its been only four weeks, so I am still suffering ). I’ve done TMS (which I HIGHLY recommend, even if it’s wonderful effects only lasted two weeks for me, it may be the magic bullet for someone else). 10 treatments of ECT (completely ineffective, and the memory loss and heartbreak have been horrible). But I’m still, however, hanging onto my dear psychotherapist!

There was a psychiatrist that was present during my detox off of Vyvanse up in Portland (I took the route of an IV Nadh treatment for a week) who was the first person to suggest the MAOI (Parnate). Be alert, if you go hunting around on the net about MAOIs, you will get a ton of dated misinformation (even on WebMD and Drugs.com) that will scare the heck out of you. Please, again, check out Dr. Gillman’s site: psychotropical.info for the most up to the minute research on this (perhaps magical) medication. If you research long enough (as I have) you will discover exactly who knows their pharmaceutical business and who does not. It truly is shocking.

Current update, Nov. 18th, 2018, (which I will continue as time goes on) : My current meds are 25mg of Parnate- my awesomely open minded doc is titrating it up very slowly. The therapeutic dose is 30-60mg, so while I cannot say yet that I have finally won the war, my hopes are pretty high. But I will update one way or another soon. Right now, every day feels like an eternity—Note: I took my last dose of Effexor 4 weeks ago and then had to have a “washout“ period of about a week. The only clear sign that my body is responding to the Parnate is miserable insomnia which is very common. (FYI: I figured out that a combo of 75mg trazodone and 1mg of clonazepam works like a dream, pun intended!- and it is completely safe to take with Parnate).

My suggestions if you ever go this route:

*always keep in mind this is a LONG process, so don’t give up!

*be super careful with drug and food interactions. MAOISs CAN KILL you, but the information on the internet is old and exaggerated—so study up!

*get on top of your sleep. It’s the only break from the suffering you will get.

*small doses of caffeine have been my friend. And Klonopin/Clonazepam, once I got my sleeping under control, helps give me a lovely nap everyday.

*I only read about this recently, so it’s a little late for me to try it, but it should be known that patients who are switching from an SSRI/SNRI to Parnate, can (it’s safe) use Nortriptyline as a bridge while coming off one drug and starting the MAOI to ease the withdrawal symptoms. This idea is totally worth looking into.

*please find a belief system: God, Buddha, the Universe, whatever. You WILL need it in those dark days.

*And please know that you are not alone. Ever! You are important and worthwhile. I personally care about each of you (if only for the fact that I’m your sister in suffering) and totally believe that a happy future is in store for you.

Love and hugs, Suebop

I’m going to post this letter on a few depression forums… so you may bump into it more than once. Sorry!