#we're not here to fuck spiders

[danielleitloudernow]

I came across this lovely bit of art on Pintrest and had to write a fic 🤣

I Have a Question About Human Behavior

Artist credit @makanidotdot

[foxs0x]

Want to hear so Australian core shit?

I went to the toilet in the dark at about 2 in the morning and felt something crawling on my leg. I pick it up and chuck it away and then grab my phone and turn on the torch. It was a HUGE whitetail spider. Though they're not the deadliest spider, their bite is necrotic and I've had friends get big scoops of flesh surgically removed after being bitten. I was bitten by one as a kid and though the bite wasn't as bad, I have a big scar and reoccurring rash 15 years later! And I just picked this fucker up and threw it across the room with my bare hands

[mwagneto]

crazy how you can fr get used to anything. like I've fully just accepted that having to kill 10-15 spiders every day is just part of my routine now

[airborneice]

couple doodles of the sillies

[cillyscribbles]

i personally measure time by the count of spiders that fall on me off this goddamn tree

[leavingautumn13]

this one's for the, like, three people who follow me for spelljammer stuff

remember when i said i was having trouble working out neogi martial classes? i figured one out. hold on, bear with me, i think this is funny

be me, spending years planning a spelljammer campaign using pathfinder 2 mechanics

homebrew neogi as a playable race

give them the basic 1d6 bite attack that most beastfolk species get

attacks of that nature also have the agile and finesse traits

realize rogue class sneak attack runs off of the agile and finesse traits

check rulebook: you can in fact apply sneak attack damage to unarmed attacks

conclusion:

neogi rogue whose main method of fighting is sneaking up on people, biting them, and then running away

[werewolf-cuddles]

what are marvel fans doing now?

Oh, they're doing the whole "Miles Morales will never be Spider-Man! Peter Parker is Spider-Man! Miles Morales is Miles Morales!" bit again.

Because apparently the idea that a superhero title can belong to more than one character is sacrilege to them, as if there haven't been like 5 different Robins at this point.

[moonlitlunas]

do not separate my mary jane and peter for ur silly old man yaoi !!!

HOWEVER ... have we considered a throuple instead?

mj introducing them like "this is my husband peter and his boyfriend miguel who is also my boyfriend" like april in that one scene in parks and rec

[timeisacephalopod]

Part of being Canadian is how similar we are to the US, and honestly not a single person on earth I think could genuinely pin point the difference between Canadian and American culture but the average Canadian. Americans assume we're the same as them (we aren't), even a bunch of Canadians think we're Americans, especially around voting seasons, and about half our cultural identity is "we're Not American!" but there are some cultural differences and if we all spoke French equally we could have had a language distinction but nooooo. Despite not being America unfortunately such a fuck off massive country right below your teeny tiny ass country (population wise) does result in a cultural avalanche from said fuck off massive country. Especially when you share a language.

The war of 1812 will forever be funny to me though because Americans were like "hmm maybe Canadians would also like to tell the British to fuck off, we will invade to show them!" And Canada was like *burns down the white house* and we've been tentatively chill with each other ever since lmao (even when we probably like. Shouldn't be cool with America but like. We could not risk that implosion politically or otherwise it'd be suicide).

[gravityandmomentum]

spiders really got the short end of the stick, they are literally just chilling in their webs and holes and then people give 'em shit for no reason. Like, they are literally just there. They don't even want to hurt you. They can't eat you, why would they want to hurt you? Energy is a precious resource, they ain't wasting it on something a bajillion times bigger than them

[hopefulqueer]

new snake :3

[ectopolis]

as someone who is a stubborn completionist comic reader and a somewhat studied fan of DC in particular, this was the best & funniest post. "you guys haven't read the horror side of DC!" and then following that up with the flash is, like, the best. noted DC horror character barry allen. i'm calling the period in the 70s where barry was a republican to oliver queen's liberal to hal's shocked face of horror (yes, this was an actual title DC ran) the horror flash era.

i want to say that you are definitely right, but just like, substitute the flash for, like, the doom patrol. jane's powerset is by definition kind of infinite. cliff steele is a brain in a robot body who bashes his face into walls because he can't feel pain. negative man is... not altogether that different from danny, actually. alan moore's swamp thing, maybe one of DC's most famous horror titles of all time, features an issue where you find out the swamp thing isn't a person-crossed-over-with-plant-DNA, but a sentient plant that absorbed alec holland's consciousness before he died. that's also not all that dissimilar to what danny goes through, if not actually kind of worse. swamp thing's powers are also not that dissimilar, to be honest - there's one really funny bit (context: swamp thing and constantine fucking hate each other) where swamp thing has to possess constantine for a bit.... and he takes constantine's body to get a tattoo of a tree on his ass. i digress.

i'd also argue in favor of one dynamic in particular: as a character, danny is a spider-man pastiche, pretty obviously. but when spider-man was originally created, he was, like all other heroes at the time, a riff on the most popular, enduring symbol of superheroes: superman.

i love superman comics, like a lot, actually. superman comics have come to revolve around the question of giving a human person infinite physical power. there's no such thing as beating superman because the whole point is, you can't - clark's become so overpowered over the years that it's come to be meaningful within the story, like death of superman was only as impactful as it was because it was the death of fucking superman. clark's consistently depicted as always, always aware of his strength, because he can flick someone a mile away. (he does this to deathstroke once while drunkenly posing as bruce wayne. they actually hadn't met yet)

but in a real way, superman lives in a world of cardboard. there is next to nothing he can't destroy without even trying. his struggle has become power and how to wield it, power and how to manage it safely, how to use his senses without getting overwhelmed. powers so acute they cause sensory overwhelm are a superfam rite of passage, as is ethically dubious cloning, as is billionaires making tech to kill specifically you, as is growing up terrified of governmental vivisection. these things are in danny phantom because they're also features of spider-man comics, but spider-man got it from superman. there are comics where clark's hearing is so acute he can pinpoint batman's heartbeat across the planet. like, i don't do crossovers much, but i see a LOT of danny-meets-the-batfam (which is fine! i love the batfam! have your fun!) when my natural instinct is actually clark-takes-danny-to-space. i mean, clark literally has a glacier fortress of infinite ice where he houses endangered space animals. he keeps pet sun eaters. i don't even know what the fuck a 'sun eater' is but it's an alien pet and clark has a plurality of them, what more does a superpowered space geek need?

too many dpxdc headcanons about danny creeping the other heroes out that were obviously made by fans who havent read the more horror side of dc. danny would complain about slowly losing his humanity and the flash would say "i get that, i also died more times than i can count and im not sure if im fully human anymore" and they would high five and go get burgers together

[cadaverousdecay]

💉 blood-showers Follow

okay. but has anyone ever tried drinking their own blood? like from when they were alive?

🍷 nvrdrnk-wine Follow

how the fuck are they gonna do that? go back in fucking time?

💉 blood-showers Follow

no no like. before they turn they donate blood or something and have it stored in a blood bank, and then after they turn they break in and try it

⚰ let-me-in-let-me-in Follow

thats disgusting

🩸 fightmeorbiteme Follow

Friendly Reminder that taking blood from a blood bank is actually worse for humanity than feeding off humans directly.

💉 blood-showers Follow

can we not bring up blood bank ethics for five fucking minutes we're talking about drinking your own human blood right now

🕷️ renfields-spider-collection Follow

wouldn't it turn into dead mans blood? cuz you die when u turn? it'd fucking poison you

🧛‍♀️ fromthekarnsteintomb Follow

no but it was drawn before you died

human-guy-steve-deactivated2020

oh my god. my friends gonna sire me in a few weeks. i should fucking try it

🦇 sleepalldaypartyallnight Follow

@human-guy-steve its been 3 months is there an update????

💀 hung3r Follow

he's been fucking destroyed...

🌙 thecollinscurse Follow

Well. There's your answer.

🧛‍♂️ vampire-guy-steve Follow

still here! just remade lol

anyway.

that was fucking disgusting

[medicinemane]

If only there were a cranberry bog near me, I could probably go there and be like "listen... I actively like spiders... you should hire me", and then maybe I could get a nice job with the benefit of working collaboratively with spiders if I understand things correctly

[accioscarheadthings]

ULTRAMINE ~ CHAPTER 1

kenji sato x reader

summary: you are professor sato's student and mina contacts you when kenji finds himself with an injured kaiju baby

pairings: kenji sato x fem!student!reader

author's note: turning this into a series (?) may not follow the movie's timeline completely. future smut, so minors DNI.

masterlist !

you stood beside professor sato in the tube lift as it descended to kenji's basement.

you fiddled with the ends of your shirt, anxiety beginning to spiral within you by the second.

being at kenji’ house was something you never imagined would happen, especially after your not-so-smart first date. 

like kenji, you also had a legacy to bear, with your father as an expert mechanic, he built a titanium-alloyed suit with sato to fight by his side. and with him gone, you had to take on the mantle and the responsibility of protecting the city.

kenji knew you as his father’s student, slightly bitter that his father was spending time with someone who was not him.

but he couldn’t deny, you were a sight for sore eyes.

he would throw his words at you now and then, relishing in your sarcasm and remarks, falling more and more for your fiery demeanour and silver tongue.

and with you both fighting kaiju attacks together, it only pulled you closer to each other.

the baseball player won a bet against you, asking for just one date with you. 

you were skeptical about it, not wanting to get tangled in his spider web of messy celebrity life. but you couldn’t back off from the bet. a deal was a deal.

the date went surprisingly well, with you and kenji bickering back and forth about the most mundane things, just to get a rise out of the other. but as time went by, the sexual tension was increasing between you two.

you couldn’t deny it, no matter how much he annoyed you with his bratty charm. he was hot. 

the date was supposed to end with him dropping you in your place, but instead, you found yourself in his arms in the back of his car- naked, needy, and moaning his name like a prayer.

after that, he took you into your apartment and fucked you good, mumbling praises and promises as he drilled into you. the next morning, he left before you woke up, leaving a note saying that last night was fun. 

no calls or messages after that. he merely acknowledged your presence after that.and you were thankful for it. a bit.

part of you wished he would reach out and check in on you after that night. but you knew he wouldn’t.

it made you feel used and unwanted. took you quite a while to get over it, but you eventually did. 

you only took care of the fights he didn’t pay mind to. like the kaiju attack he ditched when the kdf intervened.

and now with the doom of meeting him again, your nerves were on end.

“fret not, dear,” professor sato glanced at your tensed state, “it will be alright.”

"professor, um, you still haven't told me why we’re at your son’s place. or what we're gonna do. or why you needed me out of all people-”

"i just need you to trust me on this, dear. you're the only one i do at this moment. can you do that for me?"

"you know i'm big on trust, professor, " i commented, shaking my head.

the lift stopped, and professor smiled, "that i do," 

when the lift doors opened, ultramn’s face was right on, big glowing eyes.

you took a step back with a yelp, “what the-"

"oh my-" ultraman gasped, “y/n… hi,” he seemed to be dazed, breathless.

you nodded nervously, glaring at his metal head and glowing eyes, glad that you didn't have to look at his handsome face, “hi,”

“dad! what is she doing here?” kenji hollered, as if you were invisible.

you glared at him even harder, tilting your head to the side at his tone.

"i apologize for my son," professor told you, "kenji, this is my assistant and she knows best about kaiju infants,"

i added, "because i've studied about them.my entire life. what they eat, their life cycle, the metamorph-"

"okay, okay, got it yeah," he waved you off in a hurry, his voice laced with impatience and worry.

you were about to snap when a pained squeal rang out and you leaned past him to sneak a peak, but ultraman obscured your view.

“dad, i’m not asking for pain, complaints, guilt, or criticism. not right now. i just-” he paused, struggling, “i need your help. both of you,” his head turned to you.

when he moved out of the way, you saw it, a gasp escaping your lips .

a baby kaiju lying on its back in the middle of the room, its head resting on ultraman’s knees while he held it down, rubbing its head. a red beam blinked under its skin, signaling its distress.

"wow," you gaped at the kaiju baby, following after professor sato.

“she was hurt, dad. we were attacked, i don’t know what to do. she got loose. i-i should’ve been there,” kenji rambled, guilt evident as he beat him up for what happened.

professor sato examined her, running a hand over a scales, “incredible,”

i held out my fist, metal plates slipping over your fingers and crawling up your arm till your elbow. you held out a hand, shooting a scanning bean from your fist to examine.

“you brought your warsuit?” ultraman asked in wonder. he knew about your identity and was hoping he’d run into you in one of the fights.

“just in case,” you shrugged, eyes on the anatomy chart you had pulled up in front of you as the holograph blinked on the arm of the kaiju, indicating the site of injury.

meanwhile, professor sato ran a chem analysis of the tranquilizer that had hit her.

"oh, hello mina," you greeted the ai when it floated towards you, “it’s been a long time,”

"indeed," mina responded, "you look well,"

"thanks,"

the kaiju baby whined in pain, squirming. you rested your metal palm on its tummy, easing your way up and down on its body, "shh, hey, hey- it's okay, we're gonna help you, baby, mkay?” you cooed.

the kaiju baby seemed to somewhat calm down at your words, its body still trembling.

“is it a he or she?” you asked, tapping and prodding her arm juncture.

“a she,” mina responded.

"she's beautiful," you looked up at her in awe, “professor, i suppose she has fracture. there’s fluid build-up in her elbow. mina, can u confirm?,”

“yes, she had a mid-humeral fracture with associated hematoma,” mina added.

the kaiju baby cried out again.

“it’s okay, you’re okay,” professor sato uttered softly caressing her arm.

mina was filling in the professor about the analysis of the tranquilizer while you got a closer look at the baby, running your metal hand over her palm.

her fist closed around your hand, the kaiju baby cooing slightly. your heart melted at the action.

“poor thing. does it hurt too much?” you reached to touch her arm where she got hurt, only for her to squeal in alarm.

“it’s okay,” kenji soothed, “she’s-” he stammered, looking at you now fully and taking in your appearance and feeling somewhat flustered, “she’s not gonna hurt you,”

you spared a glance at him, turning away, your face turning red at the mere sound of his voice. pathetic, you scolded yourself.

“can you synthesize a 100 ccs?” professor sato asked mina. 

“yes, professor,”

“good we’ll need more,”

 “more?!” kenji snapped, “for what?”

“kenji,” “you may not agree with me on anything else, but right now, i’m the best chance she has. and with y/n, it will be easier. so please, please just let me help,”

kenji glanced at you, agreeing, “okay,”

professor sato held up a ragged bunny in the air. the kaiju baby beamed at it.

“dad,” kenjis sighed in nostalgia, “bunny?”

“it always worked on you,” he placed it on the baby’s arm. he notched his walking stick between her shouler and arm, making sure it was right. i nodded in approval.

i placed my hand on the kaju baby’s palm, “hold her tight, kenji,”

two mechanical arms appeared from the ground, grabbing onto the baby’s arms.

taking a deep breath, you mumbled along with the lullaby mina played in the back and pushed her dislocated bone into place. kenji turned his head away to the side, unable to watch while the kaiju baby screeched in pain.

you sat by the stairs of the containment unit as the kaiju baby slept in it, snuggling a half-crushed car.

you were watching the footage of the kaiju baby loose in the streets, observing its movement, behaviour—

“hey,”

you slapped your watch shut and looked up at kenji, blinking, “hi,”

your eyes locked for a moment longer adn you both looked away, feeling bashful and flustered. 

you felt him sit on the stair beside you and rest his elbows on his knees, fiddling with his fingers nervously.

“so, uh, how are ya?” kenji turned to face you, his hair falling all over his forehead.

you bit back the urge to brush them back, “fine. so how’s life being a single mom with two jobs?” you teased, hoping to ease the tension.

kenji gave a small smile, his chest rumbling with a groan, “exhausting,”

“i can tell,” you noticed the fading dark circles under his eyes, the fatigue in the paleness of his skin.

“watching me that closely, sweetheart?” he tipped his head to the side, leaning forward a bit, his flirty tone showing up.

“you wish,” you rolled your eyes at him.

“it’s good to see you,” kenji spoke genuinely, “after the last time we met turned into-”

“oh dear god-” you sputtered, “don’t just don’t,”

“was it that bad?” he seemed offended that you were shutting out that incident so quickly, “was i that bad?”

“no, no, ken,” i laughed carelessly, missing the way a shy smile crept up kenji’s face at your sound, “its just that,” you tried to find the right words, “it was amazing, but the days after that, not so much. we-”

“-drifted apart,” kenji completed, understanding now.

"yeah,"

“i’ll just,” kenji jabbed his thumb to the couch area and walked towards it, muttering and scolding himself for being so clumsy and flustered around you.

you smiled at his back, watching him sit down. you turned back towards the containment unit, watching the kaiju baby snore away.

you crossed your legs, getting comfortable, "mina?"

"yes?" the ai floated towards you.

"give me everything you have on the kaiju baby. and you might wanna get filled in on the kaiju anatomy and life cycle info i have in my database," you held up your watch for her.

“sure thing,” a mechanical arm took it from you.

"and also, could i get a cup of coffee, with three-,"

a cup was thrust beside your face to hold. 

you looked up and saw kenji holding one for you, having one for himself, “three shots of espresso. just how you like it,”

surprised but touched, you accepted it with a kind nod, watching him walk back to his father.

he relaxed back, leaning into the couch and spreading his legs apart shamelessly, one arm resting on the head of the couch.

you lips parted at the sight.

kenji did a double take and caught you staring, a grin quirking his lips as he did so. it only widened as he saw how you fumbled and turned away from him, finding your reaction adorable.

he couldn't believe how captivating you were, and he knew he was in danger of losing himself to your charm. 

 the way your hair draped over your shoulder, only if he could wrap his fist around them and pull you flush against his back-

“pure thoughts, ken. pure thoughts,” he chided himself, his mind struggling to process the mental image it created.

he silently chastised himself for letting you slip through his fingers last time, but he knew that he couldn't ignore you any longer. 

as he looked at you, he felt his heart skip a beat and he couldn't help but sigh, "sweetheart..." knowing that you were too tempting for him to resist this time.

[yandereunsolved]

Seer reader: "Today is gonna be totally normal."

Approximately thirty seconds later—

Yandere Aegon: "Which one of us is more likely to marry you?" Deep breath "Is it me or Aemond? Is it me or Aemond?"

—

Yandere Rhaenyra: "It is good to have you here. You will surely aid us in the war."

Seer reader: "H-How did I get all the way back here?"

Yandere Daemon smugly standing in the corner after he kicked a child and stole you back from Team Green.

—

Yandere Criston Cole: "I will protect you with every bone in my body."

Seer reader: "You can't protect me from the horrors."

Yandere TB & TG: "We're the horrors."

—

Yandere Aemond: "Mine."

Seer reader: "I am a bastard, my prince."

Yandere Aemond: "That just means you will have to marry me and have my children to be considered legitimate."

—

Yandere TB & TG: "Whose side are you on?"

Seer reader: "The side of my freedom." Eyes the map and looks at Essos.

—

Yandere Helaena: "You're very pretty."

Seer reader: "Thank you."

Yandere Helaena: "Did you know the copulation process is exceptionally long among ladybugs? It can last more than two hours. Is that how your visions work? Are they induced by your hormones? If my husband were to couple with you, do you think you would end up getting a vision in the middle of it?"

Seer reader: "I—uh."

Yandere Helaena: "If we were to entwine limbs do you think our process would be close to that of a ladybug? We were both given divine gifts. It would make sense if it took that long for us."

Seer reader: whispering "Daemon, Rhaenyra, Jacaerys, save me."

—

Viserys: Gets down on one knee

Seer reader: "Oh my gods, it’s finally happening."

Viserys: Dies.

Seer reader: "The poison kicked in."

—

Yandere Daemon: "Three words. Say them and I'm yours."

Seer reader: "Three words."

Yandere Daemon: "A win is a win. A win is a win."

—

Seer reader: Running around the castle panicked, blind, and with a bloody nose.

Yandere Daemon: "What did you see, my dear?"

Seer reader: "Nobody died. I promise."

Yandere Rhaenyra's mother senses kicking in: "WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!"

—

Yandere Alicent & Yandere Ser Criston worrying over Seer reader and the fact Yandere TB will try to kidnap them again.

Seer reader: "Don’t worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve."

Yandere Alicent: "I think you mean cards."

Seer reader, pulling knives out of their sleeves: "No, I do not."

Both yanderes silently questioning how you got those knives.

—

Random noble: "Do you have a spouse?"

Seer reader: "Emotionally, or legally?"

—

Yandere Helaena: "Treat spiders the way you want to be treated."

Seer reader: "Killed without hesitation."

Yandere Helaena: "No!"

—

Seer reader: "What time is it?"

Yandere Aegon: "I don’t know. Scream and we’ll find out."

Seer reader: Screams.

Yandere Criston COLE: "WHO THE FUCK IS HURTING SEER READER AT TWO IN THE MORNING!?"

Yandere Aegon: "It’s 2 am."

—

Seer reader: Looks at draft. "That is way too long."

Author: "I'm making it longer."