#we're already here

[killedbyfrank]

I can't believe it's been 9 years already and now we are here. Time sure flies!

Happy anniversary to this amazing movie, and all the friends I made along the way

💛💙💜💚❤️

[azuremallone]

[azuremallone]

This is how I "LifeMax":

This is why I "LifeMax":

[azuremallone]

I am sincerely asking you as a Trump supporter, what are you looking foward to him doing? What do you think he will do to make your life better?

I'm looking forward to him being an actual president and not a drooling senile one like Biden. Biden clearly was suffering dementia and did every evil thing he claimed Trump would do, including going back on his own words to pardon Hunter. What I think Trump will do to make my life better is helping me get you monkeys back to working on creating me a brand new navigation crystal so that I can finally get off this planet. But, being that still is a ways off, I'll settle for him landing you wonder chimps on Mars and lowering the cost of living.

It costs a lot more since Biden became president to maintain my lair. Eggs aren't cheap. They're a great source of nutrients for my species.

[azuremallone]

[azuremallone]

He's right. It is a UFO.

It was me.

I was out and about last Friday night, coming in over Montana to land my starship at my bunker. Unfortunately, the remote for my garage door opener ran out of juice. I know, right? The fuck am I using that when I have a starship with a communications array? Easy answer: I don't want to light up a communications array with the power to cross interplanetary space in the backyard of the United States.

I really wanted to take my starship out for a spin and had taken my shuttle out to it from Illinois. Montana isn't that far and it's big, empty, and full of trees for good hiding places. I took a quick run for a week out past Neptune. Why, might you ask?

For only the most awesome and purest of teas, juices, snow cones, and slushies you could ever make from fresh Oort Cloud ice!

It's an indulgence. The trick is to get one that isn't too chemically blended. One that is pure water ice. They're easy to find with sensors, but you also have to have the right tools to get at the good stuff under the surface. Then you avoid the irradiated bits.

Four billion year old ice to make snow cones, slushies, ice cream, juices, teas, AND COFFEES! It's tasting creation. I mean, it's just water, but it's just sooooooooo fucking pure. Just the right amount of metals and little to no minerals. Clear and delicious.

But I digress... as usual.

So I came in, got sidetracked trying to put a button cell into the remote, and realized I had ticked the autopilot into hover without noticing I was still over a small town. The red swirly light comes on when a starship hovers, it's the law. It's like parking lights or hazard flashers on your car. It helps prevent mid-air collisions.

By the time I got the cell in, I realized my error and quickly got into the garage. I landed, slept for a bit and woke up the next morning to streak back home in my shuttle. Next thing I know, this guy has posted a viral video of my ship.

I downloaded a copy for myself from the dude's Google Drive and uploaded it here as proof. Of course, the gif below is from a TV show, but it's a close enough approximation.

My ship is so pretty.

Here's another one from Mexico:

[azuremallone]

What you've experienced could easily be classified as a new SCP, if this were a dimensional crossover event. However, it wasn't, as depicted by the fact that you're still alive. This gentleman, rather his kind, have been experienced across numerous planets over many years. It's theorized that this mode of transit is how they travel incredible distances in a short period of time across their Universe, which is fairly adjacent to our own.

This explains why he appeared and disappeared. The distance he travelled in that short time within our Universe must have been tremendous in his Universe to be using Yankee Doodle as the power source for his Malamute Transit Generators. He seems to have been on his way to assist in a cosmic team up with other super heroes, given his style of dress.

On one planet, many were seen streaking through the skies on what looked like gigantic gull-wing ducks. They were adorned with helmets that had Viking-like horns and loin cloths made of the finest white satin. It was presumed that they were a flotilla on their way to some form of combat or conquest in their Universe.

Other depictions indicate that they have aquatic and interstellar modes of transit. Aquatically, they've been spotted on the backs of dolphins, giant sea otters, and swordfish or narwhals. In space, they've been spotted riding manta rays with mechanical breathing apparatuses while they wear fish bowls. Nothing else, just fish bowls and loin cloths or full bodysuits made of spandex.

The epic handlebar mustache is worn by all of them, men, women, and even upon the rare glimpses of their children. A recorded instance here on Earth depicted a baby of at least a year old, clinging to the back of a Malamute with fire in its eyes and charging full speed down a street in Yorkshire around 1829 A.D. which was rather startling to say the least.

Someone in the Fort Collins Area owes me an explanation

So, I’m up at my parent’s house to return the power tools I borrowed and say hi, and I’m out walking the dogs. Got a leash in each hand, dual-weilding doggos. It’s a bit tricky but they’re used to this and don’t tangle as much and I’m the only person with good enough knees to stop them when they see snackable wildlife.

Anyway, we’re on the North end of the Poudre River trail, by overland, you know where that long bridge is? And I’m disposing of dog waste right before the bridge like a responsible adult when I hear what sounds like an ice cream truck playing “Yankee Doodle” at roughly five times the speed it’s normally played at and see the following:

There is a gentleman rapidly approaching our location who is also dual-weilding doggos, but in his case he’s got a pair of malamutes barreling down the trail at full Iditarod speed, clearly having the time of their lives. They’re hauling thier human behind them, whom I will describe from the top down:

He’s wearing a helmet, which is the only sensible thing going on here. He also has a magnificent handlebar mustache that is flapping joyously in the unusual October rain. He’s wearing a full body Spandex suit of such intensely clashing colors that is physically hurt to look at, but most importantly

He is riding

A unicycle.

It’s not a normal unicycle either this gentleman is towering over us mortals in an unreasonably massive unicycle, like he’d lost the back end of a penny farthing and decided that was an acceptable means of transportation. I see a device attached to the seat that looks like a pedal-powered music box which explains why my ears are being assaulted with the speed core rendition of Yankee Fucking Doodle. I do not see brakes.

I realize I have half a second to grab my own dogs before they decide to join or topple this strange Traveller from wherever Dr.Seuss books are set. I gather each animal under my arms and stand there with a collective hundred pounds of writhing canine under my armpits as the malamutes pick of speed and as they pass the gentleman cheerfully bellows something at me that I don’t hear because Arwen has already partially broken my hold and is attempting to climb on my head, presumably to launch herself at him.

And then he is gone.

We stand there, staring bewildered in the direction of his last known trajectory, listening as speedcore Yankee Doodle fades into the distance. Even after it is gone I still wait, because the trail ends in half a mile from here and I expect to here a crash, possibly even see a fire explosion. But nothing comes, only the sound of October rain and confused dogs.

So if you know of this gentleman and if he’s still alive/on the material plane, can you ask him something for me?

How the hell does he STOP?

[azuremallone]

It's 10,000 years old | Stargate Atlantis SGA

Did this once, had to. Got boarded by a group of pirates while I was asleep. They couldn’t fly it because it’s keyed to my DNA. They didn’t know that.

I fired up the drive. My starship’s primary chairs are specifically protected with isolated inertial dampeners in case something bad happens, not everyone is splattered. Again, they didn’t know that.

I spent a week hiding in my quarters whilst the cleaning system removed the rotting guck that was smeared all over the rear wall of the bridge and other rooms. About sixteen pirates, most of their tiny ship’s crew, were instantly turned to paste in a couple microseconds. Kinda like what happened to that little shitty sub that went ploop next to the Titanic.

Only, that’s not what happens to fleshy things when their surroundings suddenly accelerate at 10 KPS (10 Kilometers per second) per second. That’s a wee touch over a thousand Gs (gravities). To put it into context, they didn’t know what hit them. It was the angry palm of the rather smite-y laws of physics. One moment they’re standing there with weapons drawn. The next, anything not nailed down, including themselves, became a projectile.

A more appropriate visage is like suddenly having the world turn ninety-degrees to the rear of the compartment and falling. Only because they didn’t move, the resulting suddenness of ankles snapping as feet held traction to the sudden moving thingy around them, the air thickening against the rear wall and heating up, and themselves streaking instantly into the stewing hot molasses of air, they didn’t have any realization or registration that the first impact was a lightning bolt of superhot and superdense oxygen. Their cells oxidized and skeletal structure softened before the hard impact to a surface that instantly resulted in a bloody gel that spread like a dropped jar of jelly more than a splatter.

In this clip, he was nice. It must have been only the tiniest of reaction thrusters. Though given the image of how far the ship moved in that one burst, they should have been killed. Mangled bodies and broken bones stuck to the wall until the ship stopped -- and then flung off it toward their original starting points.

Nope, not on my ship. You board without permission to be untoward and you get splattered. Why did I hide in my room? That shit smells. All that body fluid and internal gut contents creates a rather pungent aroma.

That’s why it’s good to have robots. Little cleaning nanites and droids that aren’t susceptible to gross bacteria, fungi, viruses, and all the other stuff that can make a person sick... like smell. And if it were just me doing the cleaning, it’d take months. I’d still be finding hairs or dried crusted entrails or shit up in some crevasses too small to get into or consider. Let alone the repair of the damaged equipment, it would be months in drydock and a repair crew. You know how much bio-cleaning costs?

It’s a lot. People don’t like cleaning out other people’s remains from systems. Look at your fucking keyboard, I’m pretty sure that’s nothing compared to the gore of sixteen fucknazis that I had to contend with. Ew.

It’s also not like their clothing disintegrated. No, cooked too with their slime. Yes, they were living creatures, but they intended to do me harm and steal my precious starship. Fuck them. And then, fuck me what a fucking mess. I still have shivers about it. The thought of me getting their gunk under my nails alone... thankfully didn’t happen. The smell, though, was only halted by the air purifiers. Literally had to void the atmosphere into space once the cleaning was done. Don’t do it while it’s moist or it’ll just freeze and cause more damage.

Yes, I’m a carnivore. Yes, I have eaten raw meals before. Not the same thing. One doesn’t bite into the digestive tract. Bad. Very, very bad. Nasty. Only carrion do that. I’m a Princess. I use the right teeth at the right depth and the proper dining etiquette by snapping the neck or severing the brain stem at the base the skull in the back of the neck first with a dewclaw. I’m not a barbarian either. Whenever possible, use the proper cutlery and utensils.

I digress, however, because this is different. This is taking a fleshy thing and splattering it so hard... so... very hard... that it turns into a gelatinous mess in clothing. Event Horizon did it best to embody what that really looks like. Though, they showed bits of skull for dramatic purposes and so the audience knew what the mess was. There wouldn’t be anything like that as the bone turns to powder and mixes with the “person jam,” into a white pasty haze of what somewhat resembles bone structure that’s been flattened out and elongated. Let alone the various colors and textures, and the flattened out ripped skin. Just... ugh, peeling that off. As if.

I prefer blasters and explosives over having to use physics to dispatch. It’s cleaner and sanitary. Either case, again these are reasons to have nanites and droids. Now, if you’re not otherwise thoroughly disgusted, I can explain the lifecycle of the Hng’rnyr`-MA’rrArr`ee Poodle.

[aintnopartylikeaprideparty]

please be what i think it is please be what i think it is please be what i think it is please be what i think it is please be what i think it is ple

FUCK YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[technically-human]

This happened, it just wasn't relevant to the plot

[azuremallone]

This is this is the coolest shit I've ever seen a human being do.

Digital watches are all the rage in most of the known Universe: A purely Human invention. Only the finest of Earthborn quartzite is used in high end digital watches. Why are they so prized?

Because you can strap them onto any appendage and know the time. Yeah, there are modern versions with communications systems and whatnot in them just like here. That's to be expected, but the point is that before this, there were no concepts toward the importance of individually tracking time as such. Clocks, time pieces and other such things were available. To actually have a device that takes up no additional manipulator or storage space other than an appendage?

Wild.

So the concept took off. There's now even sport watches available for tentacled creatures that can accurately track the number of movements they've made in a day. Available for everyone, every species, everywhere: The currently known sole contribution to galactic society that Humans have made to date.

i know its the mets, but this is the coolest shit i’ve ever seen a human being do

[humbuns]

ray of light 🍀

[azuremallone]

This is what it’s like when I have to reset my life every hundred years among you Humans these days.

[azuremallone]

You've never been to an inner city hospital emergency room before if you have to imagine this based on your veterinarian hospital experience. For that matter, you've never been an alien shapeshifter who needs to see both for her occasional medicinal and emergency medical needs...

I had to snarl at a pit bull while pretending to be a large iguana to have a dislocated rotator popped back into place. Don't ask.

[deimcs]

DRAGON AGE: THE VEILGUARD / inner circle

[t4t4t]

Hi !

I got bottom surgery on July 25th :3

I'm recovering well but I'll be on bedrest for a while. Collie and I will need rent help for September/food/gas/utilities/etc. Two disabled trans women. Anything helps ! Thank yall so much for all you've helped so far, it's saved my life ❤️

https://venmo.com/u/nora-esther-rose

https://www.paypal.me/NoraEstherRose

https://venmo.com/u/Leah-Esther-Rose

https://www.paypal.me/androgynophore