#we're already here

[azuremallone]

You've never been to an inner city hospital emergency room before if you have to imagine this based on your veterinarian hospital experience. For that matter, you've never been an alien shapeshifter who needs to see both for her occasional medicinal and emergency medical needs...

I had to snarl at a pit bull while pretending to be a large iguana to have a dislocated rotator popped back into place. Don't ask.

[killedbyfrank]

I can't believe it's been 9 years already and now we are here. Time sure flies!

Happy anniversary to this amazing movie, and all the friends I made along the way

💛💙💜💚❤️

[azuremallone]

I am sincerely asking you as a Trump supporter, what are you looking foward to him doing? What do you think he will do to make your life better?

I'm looking forward to him being an actual president and not a drooling senile one like Biden. Biden clearly was suffering dementia and did every evil thing he claimed Trump would do, including going back on his own words to pardon Hunter. What I think Trump will do to make my life better is helping me get you monkeys back to working on creating me a brand new navigation crystal so that I can finally get off this planet. But, being that still is a ways off, I'll settle for him landing you wonder chimps on Mars and lowering the cost of living.

It costs a lot more since Biden became president to maintain my lair. Eggs aren't cheap. They're a great source of nutrients for my species.

[azuremallone]

[azuremallone]

Bitches, please.

You're acting like feral liberalized animals. You're freaking out over a president we already had, who didn't do all the terrible things y'all claimed he would. President Biden, in four years, egregiously fucked more people than P. Diddy and acted inappropriately toward more children than Jeffery Epstein while in office.

You want something to scream about? Imagine being marooned on Earth stranded with monkeys. Yeah. Me, stuck here with you. You don't see me on some beach screaming at the top of my lungs like a fucking lunatic. Trust me, I would love to, but it won't solve anything.

Now shut the fuck up and get back to popping out new Humans to do my bidding, making me a navigation crystal so I can get the fuck out of here. I fucking swear...

[azuremallone]

I'm back, and what a landing!

Woo, that was one of the best rides so far. I'm not talking about the depths of my depravity at the Jupiter truck stop either! My new "R2-unit" that I cobbled together is doing a fantastic job at managing and fixing my starship. The drives haven't performed better in a long, long time.

To summarize my trip, I was getting really fucking cagy around all you monkeys. I needed a step off-world for a bit. Normally, I'll swing over to the Moon or Mars, sometimes sunbathing on Phobos with my figurines of Doom Guy and a Doom Guardian locked in battle over my Mai Tai. No, I really needed to get out.

You may wonder why I don't go to Jupiter more often. Well, there's a reason for that: The Intergalactic Po-Po. Jupiter's truck stop and motel are considered neutral territory and thus, setting foot there could land me in cuffs if there's an agent there. It's a seedy place, and you might also wonder why I don't just buy a new navigation crystal while I'm there. Well, it's again, because I'm wanted in 13 star systems.

I can't legally be sold the part I need.

Illicitly, I could get one, but while there's a black market: Navigation crystals are not commonly sold as such because they're regulated. You can make one, sure, but purchasing one with a pre-build navigation matrix is completely tracked because those are military grade. I could get a consumer-grade one, but it won't fit in my starship. I could make one fit, but there's a teensy little problem with that: My starship has a military-grade computer, it does not work with the consumer model for security reasons.

That's what I have you monkeys working on: Making me one.

So, to make things a little more interesting, I figured I would hang out there and be myself. I was in my true form the entire time. The reactions I got when people noticed a royal princess of my people walking around amongst them in my sexy-grungy piratess outfits was because they know there's only one that I could be: Me. That's what I needed.

I needed to be recognized and feel the tension, the unbridled respectful fear that I command just by presence alone. Not many of my kind venture to the spinward-march of the Sagittarian rim. When people see one of my kind out here, they're on their best behavior. When they see me, they're mortified. As mentioned, I have a bit of a reputation.

Now that my accidentally-self-modified-timeline has crossed into my near-current timeline, there's actually two of me running around the cosmos. One of me is presently racking up a body count and warrants over in the coreward-march-ascendant of the Scorpius arm...

Oh, right, you probably don't know what I'm talking about in terms of the Galactic map and how to navigate shit. Silly me...

Corward = You guessed it, toward the center of the Sagittarius (Milky Way) Galaxy

Spinward = Toward the edge.

March = The leading edge or blade of a galactic arm.

Retreat = The opposite side or thinner edge of a galactic arm.

Ascendant = Above the plane of the ecliptic.

Descendant = Below the plane of the ecliptic.

There are quadrants and they're alphanumerically canonized by consensus based on the arm with the eldest known interstellar species. Suffice this to say, that would not be the Sagittarian arm. That would be the Scorpius arm. Humans are not the center of the Universe, sorry. The cartography denotes, top to bottom, an alphabetic or sigil based nomenclature that starts from the ecliptic as the start and counts up from both ends equally: A can be 0 and going up or down a hundred lightyears is B as 1, and so on. From the galactic core being 0 out to the rim every hundred lightyears (accounting for the gravity well), it can extend very far. For that reason, extra-galactic navigation is based on parsecs and ascent or decent from the relative position of the two other known inhabited Galaxies out there: Andromeda and Triangulum.

Navigation is just as you'd expect and presently use. This was my intention to lead you chimps toward spatial navigation. However, when you're talking about places, people know where you're talking about by referencing the appropriate vernacular. It's like using landmarks to tell someone about a location.

OK, so back to what I'm talking about: What do I mean there's two of me? Well, when my ship crashed, I was in FTL and had slung past a dark star. Didn't notice it. That fucked up my nav system and also slung me backward through time. Not that this regularly happens, because a good navigator paying attention could make the course adjustment to avoid this predicament. We all know what I was doing at the time... How this happens is when you wind up dumping energy into a black hole and it responds by imparting even more energy in a different form into your momentum. The black hole can't go faster than a certain amount at a certain rate and therefore must bleed energy back into the cosmos, which is the object that is imparting the extra energy. It's a feedback loop. If your FTL field isn't modulated properly, you wind up slipping upward into the 4th dimension.

Typically, you don't survive a 4th dimensional transition. Shit gets weird and you could discorporate into a living mess, tormented for eternity from what I hear, until your ship falls out of the 4th dimension. Think Event Horizon. In 4D, your entire being becomes this weird interconnected thing that exists as one and everywhere at the same time, which shifts depending on your movement and perspective with reality intersecting like blades of windows in different times and spaces slicing through you. Not pretty.

One person historically came back in one piece from the experiment done a long time ago by a stupid ass race of insectoids. Dude wasn't the same. Mentally shattered with some physical deformities. Lived, but was a jabbering mess of a brain gone mushy over the entire experience. Pieced together over time, it was realized that he had been explaining his ordeal, but the phrases were out of sync in time and wording. It took several computers to put it all together after his death (he exploded, violently, and took out an entire medical building many years after his return).

Fun times.

So yes, I got slung backward in time to form your beginnings. Now that we're all caught up: That's why there's two of me. My other present self is now about fourteen or sixteen years old. I am far older now, thanks to my starship's medical and cryo facilities. I can skip periods of time in hypersleep or continue to extend my lifespan using what is presently "magic" to you chimps. I keep my age at roughly about your view of 30s. It's a nice balance between being youthful and generally mature.

Getting back to why I wanted to go out to Jupiter, I needed a break and to feel like me again. I sent a message home, explaining the situation to my mother, now that she's had time to process why the Sol System in the ass-end of nowhere now belongs as a protectorate in our Empire. I could have requested pickup or a new navigation crystal to be delivered to me, but I told her not to do so -- and do you armchair temporal physicists know why?

Because if I overlap my own personal timeline, I can intersect with myself, which could spell disaster for you chimps. Millennia of changes isolated to Earth would vanish, but more than that, it would have a cascade rippling effect across the cosmos because everyone prior to my going back in time knew about Humans.

Yup, you guessed it: My going back in time, accidentally slaughtering the dinosaurs and raising a bunch of lemurs to become Humans, was fated.

I'm not a fatalist, I'm religious. It was meant for me to land here. I do believe in freedom of will, but I also know that God (the Universe) has a plan. A nudge here, an accidental dark star skim there, and voila: The plan unfolds. So I can only go back home until after my other self bangs some dude on my nav console, listening to heavy metal and hopped up on space cocaine, and slams into the Earth in the past.

So what, as you ask, happens if my other self catches wind of me out here? Nothing. See, I was always curious how my rep had extended so far past the Scorpius Arm. Now I know. I did it intentionally now, here, whilst I, then, there, was running amuck. I chalked it up to tall tales and basked in the glamor it presented my younger me. I have a long way to go still, because I was much older than now when the incident happened. So that means y'all are stuck with me for awhile (or until you finish your work).

[maeamian]

Part of the reason that Republicans are so desperately acting like they will never lose again is because they are deeply terrified that this is their last real chance to win. The big orange dipshit came in and gutted the party of everyone who wasn't a loyalist, which left it full of nasty little gremlins who have gaping voids where charisma and human decency is supposed to go.

They still hold a lot of power, but if we stop them this year the next presidential election may not be the Most Important One Of Your Life™, that's not a guarantee or anything, but if they don't win here and now their future looks grim, this dipshit is the only guy they have left and he's extremely diminished and has his brains leaking out of his ears at this point. We can beat him into the ground.

So that's what we're gonna fucking do. We're gonna break these fucking fash. They will crash upon us and we're gonna break their fucking necks. When they come for us they will lose because they're fucking losers and we have each other's backs which is something they fundamentally are incapable of comprehending.

[azuremallone]

What you've experienced could easily be classified as a new SCP, if this were a dimensional crossover event. However, it wasn't, as depicted by the fact that you're still alive. This gentleman, rather his kind, have been experienced across numerous planets over many years. It's theorized that this mode of transit is how they travel incredible distances in a short period of time across their Universe, which is fairly adjacent to our own.

This explains why he appeared and disappeared. The distance he travelled in that short time within our Universe must have been tremendous in his Universe to be using Yankee Doodle as the power source for his Malamute Transit Generators. He seems to have been on his way to assist in a cosmic team up with other super heroes, given his style of dress.

On one planet, many were seen streaking through the skies on what looked like gigantic gull-wing ducks. They were adorned with helmets that had Viking-like horns and loin cloths made of the finest white satin. It was presumed that they were a flotilla on their way to some form of combat or conquest in their Universe.

Other depictions indicate that they have aquatic and interstellar modes of transit. Aquatically, they've been spotted on the backs of dolphins, giant sea otters, and swordfish or narwhals. In space, they've been spotted riding manta rays with mechanical breathing apparatuses while they wear fish bowls. Nothing else, just fish bowls and loin cloths or full bodysuits made of spandex.

The epic handlebar mustache is worn by all of them, men, women, and even upon the rare glimpses of their children. A recorded instance here on Earth depicted a baby of at least a year old, clinging to the back of a Malamute with fire in its eyes and charging full speed down a street in Yorkshire around 1829 A.D. which was rather startling to say the least.

Someone in the Fort Collins Area owes me an explanation

So, I’m up at my parent’s house to return the power tools I borrowed and say hi, and I’m out walking the dogs. Got a leash in each hand, dual-weilding doggos. It’s a bit tricky but they’re used to this and don’t tangle as much and I’m the only person with good enough knees to stop them when they see snackable wildlife.

Anyway, we’re on the North end of the Poudre River trail, by overland, you know where that long bridge is? And I’m disposing of dog waste right before the bridge like a responsible adult when I hear what sounds like an ice cream truck playing “Yankee Doodle” at roughly five times the speed it’s normally played at and see the following:

There is a gentleman rapidly approaching our location who is also dual-weilding doggos, but in his case he’s got a pair of malamutes barreling down the trail at full Iditarod speed, clearly having the time of their lives. They’re hauling thier human behind them, whom I will describe from the top down:

He’s wearing a helmet, which is the only sensible thing going on here. He also has a magnificent handlebar mustache that is flapping joyously in the unusual October rain. He’s wearing a full body Spandex suit of such intensely clashing colors that is physically hurt to look at, but most importantly

He is riding

A unicycle.

It’s not a normal unicycle either this gentleman is towering over us mortals in an unreasonably massive unicycle, like he’d lost the back end of a penny farthing and decided that was an acceptable means of transportation. I see a device attached to the seat that looks like a pedal-powered music box which explains why my ears are being assaulted with the speed core rendition of Yankee Fucking Doodle. I do not see brakes.

I realize I have half a second to grab my own dogs before they decide to join or topple this strange Traveller from wherever Dr.Seuss books are set. I gather each animal under my arms and stand there with a collective hundred pounds of writhing canine under my armpits as the malamutes pick of speed and as they pass the gentleman cheerfully bellows something at me that I don’t hear because Arwen has already partially broken my hold and is attempting to climb on my head, presumably to launch herself at him.

And then he is gone.

We stand there, staring bewildered in the direction of his last known trajectory, listening as speedcore Yankee Doodle fades into the distance. Even after it is gone I still wait, because the trail ends in half a mile from here and I expect to here a crash, possibly even see a fire explosion. But nothing comes, only the sound of October rain and confused dogs.

So if you know of this gentleman and if he’s still alive/on the material plane, can you ask him something for me?

How the hell does he STOP?

[technically-human]

This happened, it just wasn't relevant to the plot

[humbuns]

ray of light 🍀

[deimcs]

DRAGON AGE: THE VEILGUARD / inner circle

[azuremallone]

This is this is the coolest shit I've ever seen a human being do.

Digital watches are all the rage in most of the known Universe: A purely Human invention. Only the finest of Earthborn quartzite is used in high end digital watches. Why are they so prized?

Because you can strap them onto any appendage and know the time. Yeah, there are modern versions with communications systems and whatnot in them just like here. That's to be expected, but the point is that before this, there were no concepts toward the importance of individually tracking time as such. Clocks, time pieces and other such things were available. To actually have a device that takes up no additional manipulator or storage space other than an appendage?

Wild.

So the concept took off. There's now even sport watches available for tentacled creatures that can accurately track the number of movements they've made in a day. Available for everyone, every species, everywhere: The currently known sole contribution to galactic society that Humans have made to date.

i know its the mets, but this is the coolest shit i’ve ever seen a human being do

[t4t4t]

Hi !

I got bottom surgery on July 25th :3

I'm recovering well but I'll be on bedrest for a while. Collie and I will need rent help for September/food/gas/utilities/etc. Two disabled trans women. Anything helps ! Thank yall so much for all you've helped so far, it's saved my life ❤️

https://venmo.com/u/nora-esther-rose

https://www.paypal.me/NoraEstherRose

https://venmo.com/u/Leah-Esther-Rose

https://www.paypal.me/androgynophore

[azuremallone]

[egophiliac]

OMG EGO HAVE YOU SEEN THE BOOK 7 CATER CARD YET

80s britpunk Cater is such an incredible direction to take. his Sid Vicious jacket! his little british police cap! I wouldn't have anticipated that going full-on Sex Pistols would be his alternate self but it is SO fitting actually. 😭

(also th-the crown symbol?! the gavel?! is housewarden Cater real because I will TRANSCEND --)

[vaguely-concerned]

literally never am I getting over the unexpected and acknowledged throughline in this game that 'part of the reason lucanis is so good at what he does is, surprisingly, that he has a frankly remarkable capacity for empathy'. his instinct for it is so strong that it even kicks in looking at actual demons he's been culturally conditioned to think of as mindless monsters and lets him realize that they are just as innocent in the middle of this horror as every other prisoner, which is what helps him survive in there and reach an understanding (and even a warmth beneath it all!) with spite, when spite was at his most terrified and confused and needed him. it makes him an incredibly kind and devoted friend, and a terrifying enemy. shorn of most of the compassion that goes along with it in his private life, he uses it in his professional one as one more knife to kill with as easily as he does in SO gently and softly helping to untangle lace harding's people pleasing problems with her. so long as the three categories of people -- family, enemies, targets -- stay distinct and separate in his head, this seems to be working out swimmingly for him! (well. that's probably what he'd tell you at least lol it's certainly helped him survive and do his job I'll give him that.) the MOMENT the lines start to blur, he is fucked. this dude was compartmentalized to hell and back long before the ossuary.

(he shares the 'incredible insight into people and human nature -- as long as I don't have to interpersonally engage with and adapt to it on the spot. b/c then you'll see the biggest mess you could ever imagine' trait with merrill. which does make quite a bit of sense in that they're written by the same person and also in my estimation a not entirely dissimilar shade of autistic lol. also yet another tick on the 'lucanis - iron bull parallels' tally haha. 'ben-hassrath, kid. we can use anything.' what if your circumstances and upbringing forced you to turn some of the kindest fundamental instincts inside you into tools for violence and you only got to keep guarded scraps of it for yourself. what if you're so fucking scared it'll break bad inside you some day and turn you into a monster and you'll end up hurting the people you love. saddest freeze slash dissociative trauma response handshake meme duo To Me)