#we’ve broken containment | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

diejager · 10 months

Note

Hallo! Truly loved the MonsterAU stories! Wonderful, amazing writing!

Would it be possible for you to write: what if human!reader was turned into a chimera?

Akin to this:

Feel free to ignore!

Chimæra

Pairing: Monster 141 x Chimera!reader

Cw: science experiment, human torture, human testing, gore?, blood, canon-typical violence, unethical human experiments, kidnapping, child abuse, malnutrition, child neglect, tell me if I missed any. Wc: 3.6k (A/N): credit to @bluegiragi’s monster 141 designs.

They were tipped off by an anonymous source that some shady and highly illegal things were being done in a small and remote town near the border of Belarus, their ongoings unknown to both the government and public of their country, but someone had given Laswell a file containing all the horrific tests conducted within the closed walls of the innocuous-looking compound —a laboratory dressed as a simple military base. The folder held snapshots of emails and files sent between scientists and researchers, small indications of what was being done to both humans and monsters, yet withholding important intel about certain things. It disclosed the location, the names and faces of every worker and leading figure in the compound, the number of security and their schedules, and what was done, but not what was truly happening, it left small clues, sublet words here and there with hidden meanings —never clear images, blurry ones as if the person was in a rush.

Despite not having clear indications of the illegal activities, Laswell had enough to have 141 sent to take it down, to bring the dehumanising lab to its ground and burn it down. She didn’t have trouble convincing them, it was telling enough to let them read the condensed files for them to read, to see themselves the monstrosity being done to children and monsters they took, kidnapped from around the world to be left at the deceitful hands of crazed scientists. There wasn’t much to be found outside it, the base wore the facade of a benevolent patron, bearing the crest of kindhearted investors wanting to rebuild rundown houses and reconstruct rough and broken roads and paved streets in the town they took to hide. It worked for the most part, they profited from this by acting without raising any suspicion from anyone, neither the authorities nor the people.

“Christ,” Gaz swore, looking down at the words in the file he received, the teased truth and the dreadful treatments through a thick layer of secrets and subtle wording, the only clear intel was from the straightforward emails sent to and from researchers and the heads of the facility, unabashed and shameless bragging of their success and the narrative to which these subjects could be used. “Why did it take so long?”

A recurrent theme of these was about a certain subject, it was about C34, spoken with such pride and joy about their creation, the work of the new world and the future made within these walls. Most emails were the exchanges between them about C34’s training, the ongoing treatments and every successful mission and exercises, they spoke of C34 as if they were a dog, a rabid mutt they captured and took on the task of domesticating it. It was demeaning, degrading and cruel, to look at another being as something lower, something needing domestication —it went against every rule and law put in place to protect humanity, the many conventions sworn to protect the goodwill and security of the innocents.

“We’ve had our suspicions before,” Laswell sighed, the images of the screen switching with the small click of her control, laser pointing at the images of various weapons cache and illegally procured weapons. “There was a slip up in the shipping, it was dropped here-” she motioned to a circled area in the map, a closeup of a secluded road near the town, “and we were able to retrace it to the facility. We needed more intel about the facility before acting and we needed to know what we're facing here, if we should send a team or send you.”

“What now?” Price tilted his head back, smoke leaving the sides of his frown, a deep and unpleasant one. He couldn’t even look at the intel given with a straight face, the shadowed truth of cruelty and dehumanising acts done by humans. “Figured you send us after seeing this, Laswell?”

Laswell nodded, jumping to another slide, showing blurred images of subject C34, a blurry figure, tall and imposing in every way possible. They stood high, stature seemingly one belonging to a monster or hybrid: on four legs and the wide, familiar shape of wings, everything about C34 cried monster. Perhaps one they captured as a child, taken from their mother and kept in this cell. There were many pictures of this one, blurry and disfigured, but others had smaller shapes, the size of children with various characteristics.

“Steamin’ bloody Jesus!” Soap spat, disgust dripping from his tone in waves, unending as were the other’s curses, each holding their level of horror and repugnance. His face was wound tight, brows dipped lowly and lips pursed, he balled his fists, anger rising within him with every image he saw, the deplorable conditions and the care given to the monsters —what could they even expect from this shady company engineering monster and human DNA to fit their preferred narrative, for money, for reputation, for strength. “We ‘ave tae do somethin’ about this, Price!”

Soap - Johnny - had always been the more emotional one, letting his good heart lead his decisions when the situation seemed to fit it. His wolf made him more susceptible to emotional attachment, a pack mentality driven deeply into his mind and heart, he was viciously loyal and wore his heart on his sleeve, uncaring of how he’d be hurt by a betrayal, he simply saw the best in the world, something many couldn’t after a while, but Soap could, Johnny was a good man at heart. That’s why he reacted the most out of everyone, voicing his distaste and hate, his need for revenge and the sanctity of the lives being stolen in the facility.

Soap pushed Price to agree, seeing no reason not to lead the breach, to uncover everything done to innocent lives. His eyes connected to the man hidden in the darkness, his blue eyes gleaming with fierce justice, a contrast to the wraith who lay in silence, abhorrent and seething quietness. Ghost peered at him, head tilted up with white pupils darkened by black eyes, death layering off him with calmness. He gave Soap a curt nod, affirmation for him to continue to voice his mind, to help those in need.

“Seems like it’s been decided, Kate,” Price gave her a lopsided smirk, amber eyes narrowed with what could be read as anger, teeth sinking into the girth of his cigar, ash falling. “When are we going?”

Her lips parted in a proud grin, eyes gleaming with something dark and wrathful. She leaned on the table, head held high and shoulder broad while she flicked off the projector:

“Wheels up at 1500 tomorrow.”

You stared down the man before you, watching him tremble under your cold gaze, steps hesitant to approach you despite being seated, body prone on the hard floor you called a bed. He was new, possibly recently employed and his boss - or his direct manager - played a dirty game with him. It was some kind of rite of passage for every new employee courageous enough to accept their recruitment, all bright-eyed geniuses wanting to build their place on earth with forthgoing discovery, desperate and narcissistic; yet they were so easily tricked into you cage, locked in by cackling and grinning guards and coworkers.

He smelled young, fresh-faced and a bit nervous, most were when they first saw you. You remembered everyone who walked in, the smell of fear and anxiety, the disgusting scent oozing off their bodies, rotten and putrid like a rotting corpse. You would’ve gagged and choked if you weren’t used to it, having grown close to the smell of death, calling the reaper your friend. You weren’t bothered by him, only the cart he was wheeling over, a big and heavy cooler that smelled fresh. He was made to bring you food by his boss, a cruel joke played on every new scientist who was always so eager to meet you before cowering in terror once the lock clicked.

Standing before your third cage, he unlocked the small hatch and, with effort and a loud grunt, pushed the cooler into the hole, big enough for a big cooler but small enough to fit your arm through it. You waited until he stumbled away, distancing him from you before reaching for the container, it was light, weighing little in your palm. They fed you raw meat, sometimes buying the fresh catch of a Belarus hunter, usually an elk or a wild boar, but if they were lucky, a bison or a bear, other times they would have conserved meat shipped from outside the town, bigger cities or outside the border.

Today was an elk, the meat cold and free of rot, it smelled as good as a fresh kill did, bloody and heady. You ripped into it without care, tuning out the loud retch from the scientist as you gorged on your meal, claws tearing it in half and biting into the bloody meat. Blood rolled down your lip, painting your cheeks crimson and staining the cream-coloured rag they considered a shirt. It would be changed after your meal, as it always was. Despite the elk weighing around six hundred kilograms, you finished it quickly, with pointed teeth cutting and pulling flaps of meat and ligament, blood spraying and dirtying the metal ground near the hatch.

It was filling, albeit cold. You cleaned your hands of blood, licking it off like a grooming cat, tongue laving over the sharp edge of your claw and under your blunt fingernails. You peered at him from under your lashes, eyes gleaming in the darkness. You watched - pleased with yourself - him shudder, face growing green with unnerve at your show. You knew he was desperate to leave, to get a breath of fresh air outside of your cell, you understood his fear and wanted him to suffer for helping your owner, the man watching over your training, but you wanted him gone before he emptied his stomach on your floor. So you pushed the cooler out, clawed arm breaching past the hatch to leave it farther from your cage.

He left hastily, legs shaky and face pale.

“I want a bison next time,” you growled, words rolling off your tongue huskily from its rare use.

It looked as inconspicuous through the NVGs as it did in the pictures, a few grey buildings built lowly to hide an immense labyrinth dug into the ground, secret passages crossing unending halls with locked doors and tipped with surveillance cameras to watch over the whole facility. They studied the very walls that made this place a secret fortress, from the body to its heart, like mounting a brigade against a castle, Laswell’s team found the few hidden entrances that connected to the lesser-used passages, winding through many hallways and wide vents, big enough for humans but too tight for monsters the size of C34. Task Force 141 led the mission, infiltrating the base under the darkness of night where they could crawl and slink through shadows to catch what they hunted. They were joined by Marines, all experienced and skillful, wearing scars like a badge of honour. It would either be a quick in and out, or a long and strenuous infiltration.

Price took Gaz and led half of the Marines through the west, breaching the lab from above. They pushed in steadily, relaying information and physical cues to Watcher - Laswell - with a body cam recording everything they saw, the facade they wore above ground, hiding their dark enterprise. Ghost, as usual, has Soap watch his six, following closely behind him with puppy-like loyalty and the other half of the Marines. Team Two’s - Delta - mission started through the underground passage they sniffed out, a long and unwinding hall that went straight through the heart of the facility. Ghost’s team went dark, needing the cover of silence to stay hidden in a highly protected area of the base to run this clandestine mission. They spoke only when needing to, to make calls, to reaffirm intel or to let both Bravo and Watcher know a change, the tech team in the temporary safe house a few miles away from the compound watched through the cams, from the subtle change in the air to a jarring lead to what was happening.

While Price and Gaz worked on creating a distraction, taking a load off team Delta’s shoulders, they could work through the system faster and more efficiently with the fire taken off their backs and front. It was controlled chaos for both teams, creating a mass discordance within the enemy lines: panicked higher-ups at the sudden attack, while they had a small squad of personal soldiers, they were unprepared, taken by surprise by both teams attacking on two fronts; and confused mercenaries, their quiet and boring schedules made them lose the edge of suspicion, of wariness towards what awaited them and the sheltered job with little to no action apart from a few failed escape attempts by the subjects.

“Delta 0-1 moving in,” Ghost mumbled into the coms, his team following him closely, rifle held tightly with the muzzle pointed forward as they crossed the threshold of section C, heading towards the one holding the monster subjects.

They left behind them groups of bodies, slumped over the walls or limp on the ground, blood painting the sterilised and glossy walls, turning the once white hall into a grotesque place, dead bodies covering the length of the corridor like the ones they walked through before, leaving the stench of death that even the Marines could sniff out. It wasn’t clean - they weren’t aiming for it to be clean - but they wouldn’t need it to be clean when the Laswell would send a clean-up team to deal with this, Ghost would steal a bite before they arrived, quenching his hunger for revenge with them.

A few guards stayed to watch over the cells, doors unlocked by a keycard that most guards kept in their back pocket, Ghost would have to take one off a dead body. Under Ghost’s cover, Soap dashed to the other side of the hall, taking a few with him to corner the mercenaries, boxing them into a closed hallway until they all died. Despite a few of the Marines taking shots, bruising the skin under their plate, black and blue blossoming like a bloody flower under the thin layer of skin, they kept their heads high and minds clear, moving forward without a misstep or hesitation. Soap swiped a few cards from the bodies, throwing one to Ghost.

“Delta 0-1 to Watcher, can you hear me?”

“Solid copy, Ghost,” Laswell voice rang out clearly, reaching his ears in seconds.

“We found the cells,” his eyes roved over them, white paint over thick, cement walls to hold whatever they locked into the cells, perhaps the children the saw or the big one, C34.

“Do you have the keycards?”

“Affirm,” Ghost growled slowly, hearing Laswell's confirmation to continue. “Going in.”

He tapped the pad, a loud beep ringing in their ears as the lock’s mechanism creaked to life, unlatching from its metal hold to let them in. Both he and Soap walked in, leaving the others to watch their backs while they surveyed the first room. It was dimly lit as it was bare of any decorations apart from a visible toilet, a small sink and a few metal beds. It looked like any usual cells they came across, made barren and empty of anything useful to prevent the prisoners from escaping or causing a ruckus, but the people they kept in these cells were children. Soap swore under his breath at the sight of children huddled together, seemingly no older than 12, he lowered his rifle. They were backed into a corner, three older kids holding a younger one in their arms, protecting her from them, from whoever meant to harm these children.

They looked malnourished, left to slowly rot in these cement boxes until the scientist found something worthwhile in them, their cheeks sunken in, eyes droopy and swollen with bruises - they were beaten, it made something ugly rear its head inside Ghost dead heart - and lips dried. One was armless, having wings that they used to cover both of their cellmates, naked with only feathers covering their body, this one looked more like a harpy than it did human. The two others had arms, both having the lower half of a mammal, neither of them was sure which four-legged mammal it was, but one had a pair of wings, while the other’s back was bare of anything.

“We’ve found the children.”

You could hear the chaos from your cell, the blaring alarm and the smell of death. The building shook from its foundation, vibration emanating from both the ground floor and the basement, just farther from your hall, the closed and sectioned-off area. They separated you from the defective ones, all your young mistakes they made after achieving success —you. They tried to recreate it, but it never came out how they wanted it. Maybe it was a mistake on their part or maybe it was the lack of a certain gene in their DNA, a subtle difference that you and the rest had. You didn’t want to know and you didn’t want them to succeed a second time, it was painful, the shift, the tests and the change, the storm of pain, terror and confusion weren’t worth this power.

You could hear the booming sound of gunfire, a loud ricochet of the bullet when the nitrocellulose sparked and sent the bullet outwards, finding its destination in the warm flesh of human guards. You usually enjoyed this kind of chaos if you knew what started it, and laughed when something caused trouble for your captors, but you were cautious of this one. You neither knew who thought to disturb the peace nor did you know who was behind this, their scents strange and the sound of steps unknown. All you knew was that their steps were heavy, out of breath but pushing their way into - what you thought to be - section C. The place they kept the young and willful.

You might be blinded by your cell, but the guards outside your confinement knew how to talk, their chatter and barking orders loud enough for you to hear through the thick walls. From them, you knew they were strangers, unknown players on your board of pawns. You didn’t know their goal, whether they were here to let you out or keep you in a cage of their making, but you knew they were a gamble on your fate. As the noise got closer, you sat down, crossed your paws and waited, cautiously awaiting to see what your verdict would be.

Strangely enough, there was a different section, separated from the other one by many gates and stricter security, but they were able to break through it. Security was concentrated in one hall as if the monster they locked at the end of this hallway was of big importance. It had higher security, stronger and thicker. Ghost wondered if it was to keep the monster in or keep people out, either way, this meant that they found the thing they first came here for: the trained and dangerous subject C34.

Ghost was apprehensive about opening this metal door, built taller than any doors he’d seen, it was as wide as it was tall, metres over what would be considered normal for a human or monster, similar to the wide gates that protected British castles, tall and imposing, but the most worrying was it’s vast amount of security measures. He thought back to the blurrier giant he saw in the picture, their shape indescribable and otherworldly, almost alien-like. His eyes met Soap’s reassuring ones, standing steadfast and unyielding to do good in the world. So with a nod, Ghost worked through the locks and scans of the heavy, metal door made to keep this cement cage closed. This door clicked loudly, echoing down the hall with ominous intent, foreseeing something damming and destructive.

Yet they hadn’t expected to see another cage within the cage, a box made of reinforced glass, large and robust and inside of it was another cage, a rough metal one with bars for walls, a sick joke of a bird’s gilded cage. It would’ve seemed almost exaggerated to have three layers - three different cages - to keep one subject safely locked up until he caught sight of the monster. Lying on the cold, metal ground with legs folded in, tail curled around them and staring at both him and Soap with cautious curiosity. It looked like a gryphon if it were more reptilian than a mammal, this monster had a human torso, a head wearing a stoic expression, dressed in rags. Where there would normally be legs was the body of a bird, an eagle perhaps from the golden-brown plumage and reptilian legs from the knee down, followed by a fully scaled back, hind legs and a strong tail. Each toe was tipped with a sharp claw, big and deadly if it got its hands on someone, it could easily rip into anyone without putting in much effort. The biggest thing about it was the folded wings, feathered and equipped with a talon. If it could fly, these wings would be powerful.

He understood why they kept it locked, it was neither man, monster or hybrid. It was a beast of human creation, a creature made to be at the peak of its condition. It was smart, he could see it, the glint in its eyes and the pursed lips, mien kept monotone and calm —observant.

What did Laswell sign them into?

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mrsdarkandyandere7 · 7 months

Text

Marriage Proposal

Pairing: Dark Peter Parker x (female) Reader

▶ This is a yandere/dark work and it may contain triggering content so please READ THE WARNINGS before. Do not read if minor.

More at Masterlist

SUMMARY: You should’ve broken up with Peter long ago. Now you deal with the consequences.

WARNINGS: --

AN: Please, reblog and give me feedback.

–

You reluctantly look up from your plate at the feeling of a hand covering your own, the warmth irradiating from the firm palm making you itchy to remove the hand, but you let it be.

"Happy anniversary, babe.” Peter smiles at you, so genuine and loving, and you force your lips to stretch into a pleasant smile.

“I can’t believe we’ve been together for a year now. I feel like we’ve only met yesterday but here we are.” he says with a chuckle.

“It’s as if time flies away when you’re in love, right?”

You weakly nod, opting to bring the wine glass to your lips to give you an excuse to avert eyes. But that doesn’t stop the turmoil of emotions that devastates you inside, the guilt eating you away.

You’re a horrible girlfriend. And a coward one too. One that keeps prolonging and dragging time, too timid to break-up.

Not tonight, you decide, delaying the confrontation furthermore. Peter is so happy and you’d hate to break his heart on such an occasion.

At least, that’s what you tell yourself.

“This place is really gorgeous, I love it.” you say, allowing your eyes to wander around the restaurant.

The place is indeed pretty. Elegant but at the same time, private and personal. It suits Peter.

Tension accompanies throughout the entire dinner as you play the girlfriend role dutifully, pretending to laugh at Peter’s jokes and smiling at him.

A part of you feels so bad for it, there used to be a time where you actually loved Peter.

You still like and respect him, he’s a great guy, unlike many men. But you’re no longer the same person that you were when you meet him.

And Peter…

He’s the one that took a 180º change. Deep inside, he probably means well, intending to protect you but that isn’t enough to make you stay.

Not if you want to have a toxic-free life. A life without having to answer a full interrogation when you plan to hang out with friends.

A life without having to call and text your boyfriend about what you’re doing, otherwise he’ll most likely show up at your workplace, face pinched with worry because you failed to contact him.

You’re so caught up by your thoughts that you wince, surprised when people start clapping and cheering, everyone’s attention fully on your table.

When you confusedly look for Peter, your whole world drops.

The world seems to stop when you look to your side as Peter gets down on one knee, a jittery smile curling his lips.

Your face drops in horror, mind frozen and unable to think.

“Peter…”

“I know, I know.” he brushes you off, joy irradiating from him, “Just let me say this first, yeah? I’m so nervous.”

Your mouth opens and closes a few times and you blink, unable to fully comprehend what’s going on. This can’t be true…

This has to be a prank, there’s no way that Peter is actually proposing to you. But your doubts are swiftly cleared as a small and elegant velvet box appears in the scene.

No…

Peter clears out his throat with a small noise before looking at you, and you realize how nervous he actually is, a light layer of sweat in his forehead.

“I had this whole speech ready, you know. Been preparing it for weeks now.” he confesses after a long moment, shaking his head.

“Tony helped me write it. Lots of fancy poetic words and-and I completely forgot all of it.”

“But what I really wanna say is that I love you, Y/N.” Peter declares, his voice gaining determination, “From the moment I saw you, I knew that you were the one for me. I was lucky enough that you gave me a chance to prove to you how much I care for you…”

Your heart tightens at those words and you clutch the table’s fabric, feeling yourself helpless.

“... and this past year has been amazing. The best year of my life. All because of you.” Peter smiles tenderly at you, his hands working on opening the velvet box and you feel yourself tensing up when a delicate silver ring comes into sight.

“So…Y/N L/N, will you give me the honor of being your husband?”

And just like that, you faintly nod, not trusting your voice to speak. Peter beams at you and you do your best to retribute, despite the numbness that strikes you like a bullet.

The restaurant explodes in a loud applause and Peter wastes no time in pushing the pretty ring on your hand, engulfing you in a tight hug.

“I love you so much.” he feverously kisses your head.

You push your face against his chest, hoping to hide the tears that burn in your eyes as you start regretting saying yes already.

#@mrsdarkandyandere7 #yandere avengers #yandere marvel #yandere peter parker #dark marvel #dark peter parker #dark peter parker x reader #yandere peter parker x reader #dark!peter parker #dark!peter parker x reader #yandere!peter parker #yandere!peter parker x reader #tw: yandere #yandere x reader #yandere x you #tw: toxic relationships

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axeeglitter · 7 days

Text

Back from the Vault: LifeX

Nathan Brown sat hunched over his desk, the glow of his laptop screen illuminating his tired eyes. His San Francisco apartment was a mess: clothes strewn across the floor, empty takeout containers stacked on the kitchen counter, and a half-empty coffee mug perched precariously on the edge of his desk. Nathan's bed was unmade, a tangled heap of blankets and pillows. The room smelled faintly of stale air and sweat, the result of a broken air conditioning unit and a lack of motivation to clean.

Nathan was staring at his laptop screen, scrolling through yet another round of job listings. His bank account was dangerously low, and the anxiety of unpaid bills was gnawing at him. He was 26 years old, recently graduated with a degree in communications, and he was struggling to find any kind of work. His YouTube channel, where he reviewed video games and shared walkthroughs, was his only source of income, but the revenue it brought in was barely enough to buy groceries, let alone pay rent or bills.

Nathan was average in build, with a light tan from his Latino heritage, and short, dark hair that he usually kept neat. His face was lightly stubbled, a sign of his growing indifference to grooming as stress took over. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, feeling the weight of exhaustion settle into his bones. He was on the brink of giving up when a notification popped up on his screen, breaking his focus.

"Subject: Exciting Opportunity for Collaboration!"

Nathan hesitated, then clicked on the email. It was from a company called LifeX. He didn’t recognize the name, but curiosity got the better of him.

“Dear Nathan,

We’ve come across your YouTube channel and believe we could work well together. LifeX is launching a groundbreaking new game, and we are looking for individuals to help us with beta testing and promotion. Your content aligns perfectly with our vision, and we think this could be a great collaboration. If you accept, you’ll also be able to help us optimize the AI of our games by creating your own NPC character, it’ll be later implemented in the game when it’ll be released. Of course, we offer financial compensation for your work.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Best regards, The LifeX Team”

Nathan’s first instinct was skepticism. It sounded too good to be true, and he’d heard horror stories of scams and phishing attempts. But the desperation for money overrode his better judgment. He quickly searched for LifeX online, finding only a sparse website filled with vague marketing speak about “immersive experiences” and “cutting-edge technology.” There were no reviews, no user testimonials, nothing solid. This should have been a red flag, but Nathan was too desperate to care. He needed this. He needed a break.

Nathan decided to respond. He typed out a quick reply expressing his interest. Almost immediately, another email arrived, containing a download link, setup instructions, and a NDA requesting his personal information: name, age, location, and other details. Nathan filled out the form, barely thinking about the potential consequences. He selected the longest trial period possible: one month, hoping it would give him enough content for his channel and enough time to determine if the collaboration was worthwhile.

As soon as he submitted the form, a melodic chime sounded from his laptop, followed by a smooth, professional voice:

“Thank you for signing up, Nathan. To begin your experience, you will first create the NPC character, and then you’ll be ready to start your experience in the environment you’ll choose. For the trial to run successfully, please ensure that your computer remains on for the entire duration of the test period: one month. Any interruption may result in data loss or corruption. Welcome to LifeX.”

Nathan frowned at the last part but shrugged it off. He figured it was just standard legalese, probably meant for immersion. The screen changed to a character creation window, displaying a basic human figure in a T-pose. Nathan leaned forward, curiosity piqued, and started customizing the avatar.

He named the avatar “Cody,” envisioning him as the polar opposite of himself. Cody would be everything Nathan wasn’t: confident, athletic, and effortlessly cool. He adjusted the height to 6'4", pushed the muscle sliders to the maximum, giving Cody bulging biceps, a broad chest, and thick, powerful legs holding a perfectly muscled ass. From the corner of his eyes, Nathan spotted a slider on the groin area. He laughed as he understood he could also determine how big he could adjust Cody’s penis and balls. Smiling, he selected the largest option possible for his dick and added a huge heavy pair of balls to go with it, watching it grow in proportion to the rest of his body. He added bright hazel eyes, bushy eyebrows, and messy dark brown hairs that would contrast perfectly to the pale sun kissed skin.

After the body customization, Nathan saw a new window open: Clothes and accessories. After thinking about it, he chose a pair of denim shorts that ended mid-thigh, showing off Cody’s muscular legs. Nathan opted for no T-shirt, exposing Cody’s ripped torso and added a ripped sleeve shirt opened on his muscled hair pecs. He then moved on to accessories and decided to put a loop earring on his right ear and a silver chain around his neck.

After the customization was done, it was asked for Nathan to enter some information about the NPC he just created to create a base behavior for him. After a while, Nathan decided to go for the stereotypical fratbro behavior to go with the appearance he just did. He started typing, adding details about Cody’s lifestyle. He entered notes in the behavior interface: “Cody is dumb as a brick. He loves gym, training and being barefoot, feeling the ground under his calloused feet.” He laughed as he added another line: “Cody never takes showers, loves the smell of his own musk, enjoys sniffing his hairy armpits after a workout and scratching his big dick every couple of minutes after what he smells them and always smile enjoying his own musk.” Nathan chuckled, amused at the thought of creating such a ridiculous character. It was so far removed from his real life that it seemed like a fun NPC to talk and interact with. Just a dumb easy-going character that is always down for a fuck and a drink after a gym session barefoot in the woods.

Satisfied with his creation, he confirmed the settings. The game prompted him to select a location, and he chose the Secluded Forest Realm, envisioning Cody as a carefree physical trainer just out of college living in a cabin in the wilderness.

The screen went black for a moment, and the professional voice returned: “Now that your character is complete, it’s time to play! Please keep your computer running at all times to maintain synchronization. Any interruption may lead to data corruption. Enjoy your month-long experience, Nathan, and welcome to LifeX.” Nathan was really getting excited now. He conder what kind of character he would create for himself when he saw a flash of light on the screen. It looked like some kind of swirling mesh, almost like a blackhole. For a moment Nathan thought it was kind of a cool effect, but everything changed when he went to grab his half drink cup of coffee sitting next to him only to realize his right hand was tingling and tiny particles were escaping his nails, flying straight to his screen.

A sudden wave of fatigue hit Nathan, and the lights in his apartment flickered briefly. A sense of unease washed over him, making the hairs on his arms stand up. Before he could react, the tingling sensation spread from his fingertips up through his arms. He stared in disbelief as his fingers began to dissolve into streams of glowing white code, spreading quickly across his body. He tried to scream, but his voice caught in his throat. His vision blurred as the Life X logo was pulsing in bright light in the center of the screen with a loading bar under it going up further and further. The last thing he saw was the 100% before everything went black.

Nathan found himself suspended in a void. He was floating, naked, surrounded by darkness. Panic set in, his heart racing as he tried to move, but his body was frozen in a T-pose. The sensation was bizarre, as if he were trapped in a dream. He wanted to call out, but his voice was muffled, like shouting underwater. The smooth, professional voice returned, echoing through the void:

“Welcome to your new life, Nathan. Don’t panic; this process is normal and painless. In a few moments, you will begin your ideal life in the Secluded Forest Realm. Relax and feel calm. Avatar synchronization will begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…”

“What the fuck, where am I? What is going on? Why can’t I move?! HELP!!” thought Nathan as he tried to scream even though his face remained frozen.

Nathan’s body suddenly stiffened. A pressure built inside him, starting at his core and spreading outward. His bones stretched and cracked, lengthening to match Cody’s new height. His arms and legs grew longer, muscles bulging and expanding to fill out his new form. Nathan could feel his muscles tearing and healing at an accelerated rate, becoming stronger and more defined with each passing second.

His skin began to tighten, smoothing out imperfections and leaving with a perfectly smooth skin all around his muscled body. Nathan would be screaming if his voice mas not muted. Everything was burning and it was like feeling his DNA being rewritten while still being conscious. As he felt tears rising up his eyes, a new sensation invaded his newly modified skin. In his pits, legs and between his pecs, he felt like thousands of needles were piercing holes. The sensation was only multiplied as he started to feel hair sprouting from the holes. They were dark brown and thick but worst, the sensation of piercing needles started to appear around his groin too. Still wondering what was happening to him, Nathan tried to connect the elements he could find and that when he realized. The secluded forest, the muscles, the hair; that was Cody’s information, which means… Just enough time to understand what was happening to him when the hair started to sprout in abondance around his dick and nuts and climbing up his sculpted abs in a thin happy trail. After the hair, the modifications started to appear on his face. His jawline becoming sharper and more angular, his cheekbones more pronounced. His lips filled out, becoming more defined, while his eyebrows grew thicker, framing his eyes. His vision sharpened, colors becoming brighter and more vivid. His brown eyes shifted to a bright hazel as he lost vision for a moment. Everything was happening all at once and still, Nathan felt like it was an eternity of pain.

Nathan’s hair thickened, turning into soft, dark strands that fell casually over his forehead. His ears reshaped slightly to match his new head structure. A sensation of warmth spread through his throat as his vocal cords tightened, his voice box reshaping. When he tried to speak, his voice was deeper, richer, and carried a slight accent, a relaxed, Western drawl.

Nathan felt a growing warmth in his groin and realized what was about to happen now. All of a sudden, he regrated giving Cody such a big dick and heavy nuts. His cock thickened and lengthened, becoming larger than Nathan had ever been. He could feel the veins snaking down his growing dick as his cock head started to grow thicker and bigger. He could feel the cold air surrounding him as the head sneaked out of his foreskin. Wait, his foreskin? He didn’t remember going this far in details. His nuts fall down and grew thicker and full of potent cum as he could feel them going overload working on creating new manly sperm nonstop. Nathan could feel the horniness starting to rise as his body was assaulted by huge amount of testosterone. A drop of precum appeared at the tip of his cock as he could feel the weight of it between his legs, an odd sensation that both embarrassed and intrigued him. His buttocks tightened, becoming firm and lifted, while his thighs and calves thickened with muscle.

The transformation was almost complete when Nathan felt a sharp pain on his left pec. He wanted to scream, but his body was still frozen. The pain was like a branding iron pressing into his skin. “What is this?!” screamed Nathan in his new deep voice. A voice appeared from all around him “Dear user: NATHAN BROWN, as talked with you earlier on, you agreed to review and help us create the new generation of AI used for our NPCs. For that, your character, CODY, will have to be monitored. This assignation, XXIV, is the link to your identity and allow us to track your character. Please relax as your actions will be tracked and then saved. The program will make sure to copy all your movements, thoughts and everything that your character, CODY, might do to make sure to copy human mechanism that will be implemented in our NPCs later on. Thank you for your service.” When it subsided, a Roman numeral tattoo “XXIV” was there, bold and black, as if it had always been part of him. Nathan could feel the tattoo pulsing with energy, as if it was more than just ink on skin.

As his body finished transforming, clothes materialized around him. He now wore a sleeveless, open checkered flannel shirt and a short pair of denim shorts. Then he felt his ear being stabbed as the earing appeared in it and the coldness of the silver metal appeared around his neck. His feet then started to tingle as Nathan could feel the skin of his sole getting thicker and denser to better serve his barefoot lifestyle in the forest.

Nathan was terrified about what he just heard; his humanity was going to be used to program AI that will be implemented in NPCs. How is that even possible? Does that mean he was Cody now? And for a whole month? He didn’t agree to this. He had a life outside, friends, job to find, maybe some interviews if he was lucky. And about the bills? What was he going to do?

As all the questions were swirling in his head, Nathan fell the restriction holding his body in place as it was being modified lift. He could move on his own again, and the first thing he tried to do was take of his shirt or necklace. But every tug on the clothes or metal fell like he was trying to rip a part of him away. The clothes were part of him now. Nathan started to feel tears rise once again in his ears as all he could see around him were the infinite void of this artificial world. “Modification process terminated, Assimilation to the realm starting in 3,2,1…” Out of nowhere, the ground started to shake under Nathan’s barefoot. Then he saw light pierce through the ceiling. As a reflex, he put his hands to cover his bright hazel eyes but the light was way too bright. Nathan could see entire walls of darkness vanish and being obliterated by this bright light coming from above and fear started to raise in him. Nathan closed his eyes as all he could see was the infinite light engulfing the void and him with it. When he opened his eyes, Nathan was alone in a cabin in the woods, standing in front of a mirror. For the first time, he could see from the first person point of view what the body he created really looked like. Everything was looking so life like, even scent of pine and dirt were coming from the opened window next to him. He could smell the woods, feel the sun on his skin, the wood under his foots. Everything was lifelike. As Nathan sight started to look what his transformed body looked like, his head started to spin. Nathan grabbed it with his two manly hands but the pain was growing stronger. And in the blink of an eye, Nathan was no more. Cody stared at his reflection before smiling and flexing his biceps while smiling. His right hand lowered to get inside his shorts and scratch his hairy dick before putting his fingers under his nose to smell his musk. Cody laughed as he walked away, grabbing a snack on his way out to go exercise a bit in the nature.

“New NPC starting test phase. Remaining time 30 days, 23 hours 59 minutes 23 seconds. Behavior analysis… Acting following user NATHAN BROWN encoding. Tester assimilation… Assimilation stable, user will turn back when tests are over.”

______________________________________________________________ Hey guys! Here's another story back from the Vault, and it's my first ever published story: LifeX Hope you guys enjoy this new version of my story. Let me know what you think of it. As always, my asks are open and i'm always looking for new ideas and prompts from you. I try to answer them all and I love to read your ideas so please, don't be afraid to send anything you'd like me to write and I'll do my best to do it :) Take care of yourself! P.S. A follow up to this story should arrive soon ;)

#male transformation #my writing #mental change #male tf #reality change #tf #gay #personality change #straight to gay #digitized #LifeX #bro tf #frat bro #broification #dumber tf #dumber #smart to dumb #musk

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tinietaehyun · 3 months

Text

Bliss of Time

[WhiteRabbit!Soobin x Lost!Reader] [Wondrous Tales] [One-shot Series]

Pairing: WhiteRabbit!Soobin x Lost!Reader

Genres: fantasy, angst, romance, fluff, dark fantasy, alice in wonderland inspired.

Contains: profanity, mentions of beheading, punishment, implications of death, angsty themes, panic attacks, hallucinations, anxiety.

Links: Masterlist | Wondrous Tales Masterlist

Summary: With your abrupt arrival into this whimsical space, you wander around aimlessly. How odd, every turn you took, you ended up in the same spot.

Though as they say, third time’s the charm, when you encounter a blonde haired man, with a top hat and formal attire - goodness, were you going insane already?

The man gives you a gentle smile, walking towards you with his hand outstretched, “Goodness it’s been awhile since we’ve had any guests,” he observes you, “A pretty one no less.” That‘s it, you were definitely going insane.

He brings your hand to his lips with a soft gaze, “You must be so frazzled, guests always are. Well it’s my pleasure to be your guide. Now, come on, chop, chop, time’s ticking.” With a swift tug, you’re getting pulled along by this strangely tall man. What had you gotten yourself into?

Horrendous neon petals, purple stems and red bushes, multicoloured trees. Where on earth were you? Grotesque purple vines everywhere and a cobbled path that you had fallen upon, probably bruising the hell out of your knees.

Brushing yourself off, you stand up taking in your whimsical and wacky surroundings. The air smelled sweet and everything was disgustingly bright here. You yelp seeing a duck and her orange spotted ducklings waddle behind her.

This had to be some sort of dream, right? You picked up an invitation, opened up the envelope and poof! You were here. Yeah, this definitely had to be a dream. You pinch your arm and hiss in pain, no, no, you could feel pain. Perhaps this was just a really realistic dream?

Panic sets into your mind and you peer around lost. Where did you even come from? The sky? You remember falling, but there’s no portal, door or well, anything in the sky from where you supposedly fell. Your gaze drifts to a pitifully old, broken sign with faded letters: ‘Welcome to Wonderland.’

Great, just great. How lovely. You scramble around in your pockets to attempt to get your phone but to no avail. What the fuck? Where did your phone, keys, and whatever else you had on you go? No, no, no. You were well and truly trapped here with not even a way to call for help!

You groan dragging a hand down your stressed face, “Oh I’m fucked,” you shakily murmur, “This is bad, so, so bad.”

Building up some semblance of resilience and determination you begin following the path. Standing around wallowing in distress would get you nowhere, that’s for sure! Thus, you begin trekking down the bumpy path taking in your wild surroundings and hoping for the best.

After what seems like a few minutes, you spot the same neon yellow flower. Your brows furrow, maybe it was just another one of the same species. Yeah. No, wait- that tree with the broken branch, you swore you had passed that before. You look around and see the same broken sign.

“The fuck…?” You question wide-eyed, bamboozled by your circumstances. Did you just walk in one big circle? But the path seemed relatively straight? You didn’t take any turns? Huh? Confusion laces your features and you shake your head to get some bearings.

You walk down the path again, this time making note of key features, making sure you didn’t walk off the path at any point. Your jaw drops ajar seeing the same welcome sign. You were back to the beginning.

Your head pounds and your legs begin to ache. No, no, how long would you have to walk like this? Why was there no sense of direction? Was this your incapability or did this space have mischievous properties preventing you from leaving this spot? Dread fills your soul. A shaky breath escapes you, this was awful.

Would you rot here unable to escape this perpetually horrendous loop?

Shaking your head, you walk down the path. One more time. Maybe you just have to keep trying! Maybe there would be something different at least once, right? So, once again, you march down the path-

Only to be met with the same spot again. A frustrated scream escapes you, “No, no, no!”

Panic, disorientation and fatigue begin to plague your senses. This was the third time. How many more times would you have to walk this god forsaken path? Or were you just destined to never break free? Was this hell? Did you die? You’d go insane here!

The crunch of leaf litter alerts you and you peer around with your heart racing. What was that? Your body tenses and your breath hitches as tall, pale man with blonde locks and an absurdly tall top hat with two white ears embroidered on it as he pushes through the foliage.

You observe the male cautiously, gazing at his formal attire consisting of a baby blue satin shirt and various buckles, a waistcoat and sleek trousers and boots. His face however…was the picture of beauty in this wacky wasteland. So much so it almost causes you whiplash.

Maybe you did die, and this was an angel? His pouty lips, sharp, narrow nose and pale grey eyes. He looked beautiful. Oh, most definitely you must be going insane. Look at you, already hallucinating a stunning man!

The man gives you a gentle smile, walking towards you with his gloved hand outstretched. “Goodness it’s been awhile since we’ve had any guests,” he observes you taking in your face and form, “And a pretty one, no less.” You almost keel over on the spot.

Was this some perverse fantasy your brain thought of? Did you get drugged perhaps?

He clicks his tongue with a humourous hum, “Ah, ah, I see your brain gears turning, no need to overthink,” he pouts cooing, “You must be so confused right now,” he peers at his pocket watch, “I did run late after all! I do sincerely apologise, you can’t get out of the loop without my guidance after all!”

Your expression becomes deadpan. Of course you fucking can’t because that just makes sense, doesn’t it? He rambles softly, “Oh, I’ve been having such a busy day, running around here and there, you couldn’t imagine it! The King’s meeting overran as well because he couldn’t choose what to wear, goodness me-“

You cut in frankly, “Uhm, hey, Mr…?” You drawl awkwardly. “Call me Soobin, also known more commonly as the White Rabbit, the timekeeper. I do apologise, it’s utterly rude to not introduce myself. And you are?”

“Right…” you murmur, “Y/n. My name’s Y/n.” Soobin hums taking your hand and bringing it up to his lips, “Wonderful name. We’ve never ever had a Y/n visit Wonderland before. You must be so frazzled, guests always are. Well, it’s my pleasure to be your guide. Now, come on, chop, chop, time’s ticking.”

With a swift tug, you’re getting pulled along by this strange man. What had you gotten yourself into?

“I already walked this path,” you stammer trying to keep up with his long legs making quick strides. He seemed to be in a hurry. Soobin peers over his shoulder with a smile, “Oh, I’m well aware, lovely.” You quirk confused, “So…why are we walking down this route again?”

He chuckles, “Ah, well for those who don’t live here, the illusions here can be quite difficult to surpass.”

You sigh. You know what, if you want your sanity intact, you decide it’s best not to question it any further. “Right, makes sense,” you mutter. Soobin muses, “It does now, does it? It’s not supposed to, or are you used to walking in never ending loops?”

Rolling your eyes, you hum, “Not particularly, no. It seems you are, though.” He is delighted by your sarcastic remark, “You’ve got a little spunk, I like that. You’ll need some wit and resilience to make it here, after all. Wonderland isn’t for the weak minded.”

You grimace, “Good to know…” You glance down at his hand wrapped around yours. “Uh, Soobin, where exactly are you taking me?” You question unsurely.

“Well, there’s only one destination according to the King of Hearts rules! That’s his palace! All guests must be brought to the palace.” He hums. “King of Hearts? Is he the ruler of Wonderland?” You inquire. Soobin nods, “Indeed he is, it’s rather unfortunate.”

“Unfortunate? Why?” You question. Soobin grimaces, “Well, he’s…rather impulsive. Cruel, even. Often most people don’t make it out of her grasp, he’ll execute them if he grows bored.” You rip your hand out of his grasp with a bewildered expression, “Then why on earth would you take me there?”

Soobin gives you almost a pitiful smile, “It’s my duty to escort all guests to the King. It’s been years since our last guest, I believe you’ll be paraded rather highly.”

You shake your head and exclaim, “No, no, this King of Hearts seems terrible! Do you work for him? How many people have you led to their demise?”

Soobin’s eyes flicker with an unknown emotion, “Come now, lovely. Don’t make this difficult, I’m on a schedule here. Time’s ticking.”

You snap, “What schedule; as if anything in this shitshow of a world has a schedule!” Soobin flinches at your tone and he sighs in frustration, “It’s inevitable I suppose, you are right. I am destined to be late.”

You regard him with a blank expression. What does that even mean? Soobin chuckles at your lost expression, “No matter how much I follow my pocket watch, I’m always late. I have to thank the Hatter for that.”

“You’re throwing a lot of nonsensical words at me, Soobin,” you quip with confusion. Soobin’s fingers trail the rim of his hat, “I do apologise, it must be a lot. You’re the most stable guest I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, if that makes you feel any better.”

He’s apologising again? You almost feel an ounce of guilt for snapping at him. His eyes glimmer, peering into yours and you can’t help but feel a little bad. Perhaps, he was forced to play this twisted game of leading all those who appear here to what appears to be at most certain doom at the hands of the King of Hearts.

You dryly murmur, “Not really, but I appreciate the effort.” Soobin smiles, “So should we get moving?”

You deadpan, “Towards my death? Absolutely not. I’m awfully boring, you know.” Soobin folds his arms, peering at you, “You seem pretty entertaining now, lovely.” He was so damn pretty you might have almost believed him.

Snorting, you respond, “No, no. I doubt I’d take the King’s interest more than two minutes and oops! Off I go! Getting shot or hanged! Or whatever deranged punishment this world has.”

Soobin corrects you, “He prefers the guillotine, something about how satisfying a clean chop is.” You feel nauseous, “How? How is that meant to make me follow you?” Soobin mumbles, “I do suppose that is rather grotesque.”

You yell, “It’s more than grotesque! It’s fucking absurd! Slaughtering the pitiful souls like myself who have the unfortunate plight of stumbling into this place only to be executed because what? Because your ruler was fucking bored?”

A silence resounds loudly between the two of you as he gazes at you with mixed emotions painting his face. “We should really get going.” Your shoulders droop into a slouch, “Even after all that, you’re more concerned with your fucking schedule?”

A bitter laugh your lips, as you place a hand on your forehead, “God, I’m doomed here. With a guide who has no empathy.”

“I-I do, it’s just- the rules,” Soobin mumbles. You yelp, “Break them! Don’t you feel guilty at all, leading so many souls to their demise?” Your voice holds conviction and an impassioned tone that seems to stir something within Soobin.

“How can you be so complicit?” Your brows furrow, “Don’t you feel even an ounce of guilt? Of remorse, knowing what you’re leading them too? Do you even tell them where you’re taking them? That’s even more morbid!”

Soobin stands there hands behind his back, clasped together. His thoughts in a whirlwind mess; perhaps he shouldn’t have rambled. He never really did know how to contain his thoughts.

“You never know? You could be different? The King may come to like you?” He attempts to soothe your panicked rage. “If I’m not? How many people have you said that line to?” You shakily breathe out.

Silence is what you receive and you peer away wrapping your arms around yourself. Typical. Not one good justification.

Sweat drips down Soobin’s brow. He’d be late. He’d be late. His foot taps against the cobblestone and his heart races, fingers twitching and palms clammy. He’d be late. He had a schedule. His eyes almost seem manic. Guests weren’t usually this aware, this obstinate or stubborn.

Why did your silly words make so much sense in this nonsensical world? He was just doing his job right? He had to. That was his role. Ever since time was killed, he had struggled to keep up any time at all! It was so stressful and now that you were here, it would add to his insurmountable stress of getting you to the King on time before anyone else caught wind of your presence.

You observe Soobin, he seemed panicky. Nervous, anxious and overwhelmed. His pupils had shrunk and a manic expression on his face making you feel uneasy. “Soobin?”

“W-We really should keep m-moving?” He almost asks, as though it’s a question instead of a statement. You glare, “It’s like talking to a wall.” He stammers, “Lovely, I-I- I understand. I- I do.”

“You don’t. Don’t you want to break this cycle? I can see it. You don’t enjoy this. You don’t enjoy this pressure of whatever it is you do,” you plead. A sudden laugh escapes his lips, “Sorry, sorry. I’m just nervous. I laugh when I’m nervous.” Another chortle escapes his lips.

“You don’t need to apologise for everything.” You murmur awkwardly; perhaps he wasn’t as sane as he appears. He lets out another giggle, “L-Lets move, I don’t like standing around. Standing around means doing nothing. Doing n-nothing means no productivity. How c-can anything get done?”

An awful sense of dread fills you and you peer behind you, everything looks the same. You knew without Soobin, navigating Wonderland would be perilous and frankly for naught. Perhaps, you needed to take your chances with the King. Or…you could find a perfect chance to escape as you journey further. Yes, yes, just be patient and pretend to go along with it.

Sighing, you murmur, “Keep walking then, I guess.” A defeated expression coats your face and you see a glimmer of sadness in his eyes and he takes your hand with a subtle pout, “Please don’t be sad, it pain me so to see your pretty face stained by sadness.” You mumble, “Pretty hard to look on the bright side with no way home.”

You both begin walking and he mumbles, “Lovely I, I know.” You say nothing and after awhile, the scenery morphs and you sigh seeing the dancing flowers with their waving leaves. He looks at you expectantly as if he wanted to see you be awed or amused only to be met with your lacklustre reaction. How odd, most guests he guided loved this part!

Soobin stops facing you and tilts your head up by the chin, “Lovely, are these flowers not to your liking? Look at them dancing! Their smiles!” You frown, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” He questions. He laughs, a short manic laugh. “You don’t know. That’s okay. It’s okay not to know,” he reassures with an unsure expression. He tugs you along.

You almost feel bad for the guy. A ticking time bomb you could almost see. He must be under enormous pressure, especially with a ruler like…the King of Hearts. You could sense it, he had an ounce of goodness in there, a little sense of remorse, of guilt.

“Don’t you…don’t you want to spend some time for yourself? Are you ever free?” You ask. The question makes him freeze and he bursts out laughing startling you.

“Time…for myself? Time for myself? For me? How amusing! My lovely, is that what you asked?” You blink at him blankly, “Uh…yes? Doesn’t everyone deserve time off?”

A shattered expression appears on his face and he smiles almost brokenly, “Ah, perhaps in your world but the time keeper never sleeps. Never…dilly dallies.”

Your heart aches; you wonder what this man goes through on a daily basis to behave like this. Then again, being in this place would make anyone go insane.

He releases another frantic laugh, and abruptly cover his mouth, “I- sorr- I mean. You’re not like the other guests. It’s rather strange, how funny! I thought nothing could surprise me anymore in Wonderland. Yet, here you are.”

You raise a brow, “Uh…you mean showing basic empathy?” A manic smile appears on his visage, “Not one of my guests ever cared like you have. They usually just run off and get lost and died in some grave manner or they follow along and become the King’s, I don’t ever,” he giggles quietly, “don’t ever really hear from them again.”

You frown, “Oh Soobin.” He murmurs, “C-Can we move? We should move.” You hum, “Oh right, you don’t like standing around.”

His eyes glimmer as you both walk again, “You’re so…nice. You haven’t run away despite hearing all of this. Have you been here before? Or, or, have you already succumbed to the madness here?”

You sink into your own mind, why haven’t you run off? Maybe because you knew your own rationale and logic wouldn’t do shit here. Glancing back at Soobin, the way his large hand envelopes yours, your heart flutters and aches, you…kinda felt bad. You didn’t want to leave him alone. He gives you a soft, wavering smile, his eyes guilt-ridden.

“Soobin, I-“ your voice cracks. The air between you two becoming heavy. He shakes his head, “That’s preposterous…” he frowns, “That’s impossible. Then…why are you still with me?”

Truthfully, you answer, “I don’t know, Soobin. I just feel inclined to stay, I guess. Not like I could ever navigate this place alone anyway.” Your eyes lock for a moment, a torrent of emotions wash over Soobin and he abruptly peers away. In silence, you both walk along the path. An aura of panic and regret emanates off Soobin.

After a few minutes, you spot a large meadow full of pearlescent flowers, utterly gorgeous, glistening under the sun. In awe, you point at the meadow, “Those are so stunning, Soobin. I-“

Soobin murmurs, “Moon Lillies, beautiful aren’t they?” He peers at your wide-eyed excitement. His heart aches, you were different from the others who has the misfortune to arrive here in Wonderland.

Seeds of doubt had been implanted into his mind from your impassioned speech and thoughts. Did he really have to lead you down this path to your doom? Into Yeonjun’s grasp? Could…could this time be different?

Timidly, Soobin asks, “Why don’t we go take a look?” The very notion of taking a minor detour had his hands clamming up and heart palpitating fast. Time, time, time. He had work to do. He couldn’t dilly dally.

You squeal grasping his hand in gratitude, “Oh thank you! Yes, yes!” But how could he deny your endearing expression of exhilaration and joy? Maybe just a little detour wouldn’t be an issue, then the both of you would go right back onto the path. Yes, precisely.

Momentarily, your eyes widen in surprise as he in turn envelopes his large gloved hand over yours leading you towards the thousands of flowers. You can’t help but admire the way he walks, his strong, secure hold on your hand. His angelic features, the ever so subtle crease between his brows as though he was always deep in thought.

You had a feeling this wasn’t exactly part of the plan and would only delay the inevitable. Though, you were unsure why someone as obsessed with schedules and time would take this detour merely because you fawned over these flowers.

Did your words get to him? You feel his grasp on your hand tighten and you finally reach the sea of flowers. Oh, how ethereal this place was, a stark contrast to the wacky surroundings, this place also had its moments of beauty apparently?

“Soobin, these are beautiful, I can’t believe these exist.” You fawn in excitement releasing his hand as you run through the flowers, feeling free and almost magical in a sense. Soobin observes you as you wade and spin carefree through the flowers with a soft smile trying his best to ignore his twitching fingers and shaky hands.

“Only in Wonderland,” he muses, watching you prance around with an almost childlike innocence. Something stirs within him, the urge, no, the need to protect you from the horrors deeper located in this place. From the Red King of Hearts, the Cheshire Cat, and god forbid the Hatter. No. No he couldn’t let another soul become destroyed here.

You were right. Time for himself, to indulge in such a luxury…such as now. Felt revitalising, thrilling. Soobin peers at his shaking hands. Time. Time. Would he make it on time? No, why, why did he have to make it on time? Time was killed. But, why? Why did he have to follow this terrible cycle? Because he was afraid?

A short strangled laugh escapes his lips before morphing into a manic cackle startling you. “S-Soobin?” His bizarre gaze meets yours, “Yes, yes lovely, you’re right. Time for myself. I have a choice. I…I don’t have to go through with this. Not when…not with you, lovely.”

You murmur, “Are…you okay?” He lets out a laugh, “Yes, yes, I’m just not-” a giggle slips out to which he covers his mouth, “Yes, just not used to so much free time…such indulgence.” You frown peering down at his viciously shaking hands. What had this place done to this poor man? He seemed so panicky and anxious?

You tentatively approach him and take his hands in yours, peering up at him with an awkward but comforting smile, “Breathe. Breathe with me, Soobin. Look around you, how could you not stop to ever take in the sights?” You had learnt some breathing exercises when you were younger whenever you felt overwhelmed. It should help right?

“Sights…never had time,” he murmurs deliriously peering around at the flowers surrounding you two. The glistening pollen coating your skin in a pearlescent sheen. Soobin gazes down at you with a shaky breath; your big eyes peering up through your lashes, your lips moving, telling him to breathe with such a soft voice. Your hands, petite in comparison to his. How he wished to feel your velvet skin against his, ungloved.

Another strangled laugh, “Sorry, sorry. I’m just a little panicked is all.” You’re a bit taken aback as he grips your hands back tightly. Okay, perhaps he wasn’t entirely sane, but certainly quirky. His pupils were blown out and shaky breaths tumble from his luscious lips.

“Relax, Soobin. It’s okay. Nothing will happen. Uh…you don’t even need to worry, something about time getting killed right? It’s all in your head,” you reassure. Soobin gives you a smile (perhaps a little too wide, but he was cute regardless).

“Yes…yes. Time is…dead. No matter how much I hurry, I am bound to be late. No doubt about that now that we are here in this meadow,” he shakily hums. “Yes, yes, yes,” he deliriously hums, almost delighted by the bizarre revelation you’ve provided him.

Oh, how kind you were, knocking some sense into him! He was going to be late anyway, why not spend some time with you…his new favourite guest? His….lovely. Why did the King have to always ruin things? Why couldn’t the White Rabbit indulge in himself for a while? Yes, yes, he could, couldn’t he? It’s not so absurd of thought is it?

Soobin gazes at you as you wait expectantly. Oh how adorable you were! You yelp as he suddenly draws you into a tight hug. His large frame envelopes yours; the body heat of his seeping onto your frame; you murmur awkwardly returning the hug, “Ah, thank…you? May I ask why-“

Soobin releases you with a glimmer in his eyes, “You’re too good for this world. I’d hate to see anything happen to you. I…I feel as though you do not deserve your tragic fate. You have touched me unlike any other guest I’ve led.” He leans down and your breath hitches as he gives you a sweet smile, “The others, they cannot know of you. They’ll only know if I bring you to the palace right?” A wavering laugh escapes him once more.

You gulp, he was getting rather attached rather quickly. Huh, maybe this really was your ticket out of here. Your peer up at him again, he was…rather cute. He had this now hyper quality to him, which you attributed to breaking through his usual exterior and facade. Soobin murmurs, "Look over there.” He spins you with your shoulders and points over to the distance and you spot shimmering reflections and upon closer inspection, jewels hanging off the trees? No…not quite.

His breath brushes against your neck as he murmurs, “Diamond apples.” You splutter, “What, apples?”

“Diamond, they’re even prettier close up, I’ve heard. Though I’ve not see them,” another giggle, “But now, now let’s go. We’ll run out of time otherwise.” You stammer, “Didn’t you just say there wasn’t enough-“

He tugs you behind him as he strides quickly towards the diamond apple orchard using what seems to be a large glistening lake as a placeholder for direction. “Hey- let’s not get hasty-“ you breathlessly pant trying to make your legs keep up with him.

Soobin cackles peering back at you, “Come on, lovely,” his eyes wide and smile large, “Come on, don’t you want to have fun?” The sentence almost gives you whiplash, was this the same dude you had initially stumbled upon? Were you the one going insane? Surely not. No, he was. You weren’t.

Oddly enough, it settled your heart at ease to see him finally being carefree (albeit at your expense), well, not like you had anything to do. You chuckle as he trips over his own foot and he smiles bashfully. Oh damn him…and his charm!

Now that you mention it, his golden hair that bounced with the breeze underneath his hat, looked so utterly soft. You wonder how it would feel if you… No, keep it together y/n! He takes your other hand and spins you around and you squeal, feeling the wind whip through your hair and you let out a laugh. “Now who’s the serious one?”

“Hypocrite,” you murmur panting. He grins, a small pinkish hue coating his cheeks, “Oh lovely, I know…but I cannot explain how enlightened you’ve made me feel. You must care so much for me.”

You give him a bashful smile. You suppose you could say that…more so basic empathy but you weren’t one to ruin people’s delusions. This was probably his first break that he’s ever had. Huh, how odd…

You lock eyes as he looks at you, a gaze holding such adoration. Perhaps a little too much to be comfortable. He murmurs, snapping himself out of it, “C-Come on, we’re almost there.” Another tug and you yelp, laughing as he pulls you along, “Hold on-!”

The breeze wafts through your locks as you both run through the meadow and you can’t help but grin like an idiot. Both of your clothes stained with the pearlescent pollen giving your skin a shimmering hue akin to the reflection of the moon on open water. The sweet smell becoming ever so slightly disorienting.

Soon enough, you see the sparkling water of the massive lake, glittering under the comically large sun. Beside the lake is indeed an orchard and beautifully hung diamond apples. They really did look like diamonds carved into the shape of apples with their jagged and sculpted edges. Stunning, truly.

In amazement, you walk up to one of the trees, your hands trailing over the rough bark and peering up at the apples glimmering and glittering under the sun, “They’re gorgeous, wow…” “Aren’t they just?” He fawns.

Reaching up, he picks one handing it to you. It feels a little cold to the touch but you admire it as you ask, “Does it just grow like this? Is it edible? I don’t even know how this possible.”

Soobin takes in the cute expression you make as your curiosity overwhelms you, “Yes, it does grow this way naturally, and no, it’s not edible, well,” he lets out a chuckle, “Unless you want to lose your teeth that is.”

You raise a brow, “Uh, speaking from experience or…?” He gives you a wide grin, pointing at his pearly intact teeth, “No not me, lovely. I saw another do the same foolishly, all his teeth broke.” You grimace, “Right, of course.”

He peers at you, “Anything can grow here in Wonderland. Nothing’s impossible here, well, apart from eating this.” You snort, shaking your head, “I suppose so.”

You peer back up at into the foliage and canopy of the apple tree and a particularly large one catches your eye, on a slightly higher branch. It has little crystal blossoms too, oh, how incredibly pretty!

Soobin’s gaze seems to align with yours and he hums, “Do you want it, lovely? I can pick it for you?” Your brows furrow, “You may be rather ridiculously tall, but I damn well know that’s even high for you.” He peers down at you for a moment, the gears in his head turning. He lets out a laugh and his arms outstretch, “Then, we’ll join our heights. I’ll help you up.”

Stammering you halt his hands, “It’s alright-“ He tilts his head in confusion at your hesitance and you almost melt at the instinctual pout forming on his lips. Does he even realise how cute he looks at the moment? Ah…shit. Fine.

Mumbling, you reply, “Okay, uh, alright then. Pick me up- sorry if I’m too hea-“ You squeal as his hands grip your waist hoisting you up and a chaotic giggle escapes your lips as your hands steady yourself on a branch. You hear him snickering, “I believe my arms will get sore soon, lovely. I’d hate to drop such a pretty thing due to my own incapacity.”

A warmth bursts through your cheeks at his words. Clearing your throat, you stretch your arm up, twisting the apple and plucking it with the blossoms attached to its stem. Wow, it’s even prettier close up. “You can put me down,” you suggest. You yelp as you slip in his arms and your find your back pressed against his chest and arms securely wrapped around you. The smooth timbre of his voice resounds in your ear, “My apologies, my gloves do make it hard to hold onto you for very along. Are you hurt?”

Flustered, you turn around, “N-No.” Well, maybe your heart was in tatters at this point, but other than that, no. He peers at you, your gazes locking once more. He murmurs quietly, “Oh, you get cuter by the minute.”

You scoff setting some distance between the two of you, “I- oh hush.” Soobin smiles, “It’s true? Why must you be so reluctant to accept a compliment?” You huff, “Well, you’re handsome, saying that to me is just- of course I’ll be flustered!”

You observe a familiar tinge of pink dusting his cheeks and you smirk, “Ha! There! You know how I feel now.” Clearing his throat, “L-Lets get a move on,” he grasps your hand tugging you along.

“S-Soobin where are we going?” You yelp stumbling behind him. Damn him and his long legs. “I-I don’t know. But we’ve stayed here too long.” A hint of anxiety permeates his gaze and his fingers tighten around your hand.

You look up at the sky and notice the sun hasn’t changed position. Huh, time was truly dead here. You wonder how much time has passed back in your world. Seconds? Minutes? Days? Years? You shudder not wanting to give yourself an existential crisis.

You halt your feet seeing the shore of the lake, “Soobin, let’s sit by the lake.” He freezes looking at you over his shoulder, “Is…Is that okay?” Now he truly was as timid as a rabbit, goodness he was super hyper awhile back? “Uh…why wouldn’t it be?” You question confused.

“I just…nothing bad will happen right?” He shakily murmurs, “I-I have never done this. Gone off the…the path like this,” another panicked laugh escapes him, “It’s- It’s oddly thrilling, but I’m terrified at the same time. What…what if the King finds out?”

Soobin’s eyes shake as you both walk, “My…My head…” His voice wavers and you frown, “He can only know if you bring me to him right?”

He mutters, “Yes, yes. Right? It works that way right? There’s no way he can know. I always bring the guests to him. That’s just the way it is.” He peers back at you with uneasy smile, “As long as you remain with me, he…he’ll never know.”

The words strike a chord within you, making you feel ever so slightly anxious and at unease. The King seemed to be a terrifying person. You shiver, there was no way you could go to him! Soobin was your best bet for now!

You murmur reassuringly, squeezing his hand, “Hey, hey,” you smile softly, “Breathe.” The poor blonde haired man looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack. He smiles shakily, “Yes…yes, breathe, thank you, lovely.”

With a swift tug, you’re both walking towards the shore of the lake. The water laps against the sediment and you have the urge to dip your feet into the refreshing water. Hurriedly, you remove your shoes and settle down by the shore dipping your toes into the immensely cooling water.

“Ah…” you sigh, it felt good after all that walking and running. You look up at him with your hand outstretched, “Come on Soobin, lighten up. Have you tried this before?”

He observes you almost as if you were the insane one here. How ironic! Tentatively, he sits down beside you and grimaces at the feeling of the dirt against his fine fabric. For you, he thinks, he’s willing to try. His heart races with anticipation. He likes this. With you, he felt as though time itself had stopped for you both (well, it already had but that’s besides the point.)

You look over to meet his gaze and you’re once again struck by his beautiful features. He removes his top hat putting is aside and your eyes widen ever so slightly at his fluffy blonde hair. Oh…to run your fingers through it.

Embarrassed at such a thought, you redirect your gaze back to the lapping waters and glistening surface of the lake. You feel his gaze on you, you find your hands fidgeting awkwardly. In an odd and twisted sense…this almost felt like a date.

You almost might have keeled over if this happened in real life, well, this was real life but…also not. You peer back over at Soobin, you’d never met someone like him before. Well, he was clingy you suppose in his own endearing way, and clearly had some issues to resolve, but doesn’t everyone?

“You’re…” he begins before looking away, a blush appearing on his cheeks. “I’m…?” You answer. “No, it’s just…” he mumbles, “…you’re so different. So…pure-hearted. Most just go against with the antics here and I…I have no choice but to lead them to the King of Hearts. But-but you…” With a bashful hum, you shrug, “No, no, you’re making me sound as though I changed your entire life. I just…I believe you needed some time off.”

In hesitation, you bite your lower lip, “I also… truthfully, I didn’t want you to take me to the King. So…I thought I could persuade you, you know? To not do that? By…taking a detour?” You wanted to be transparent, perhaps that would be a mistake, maybe he would tug you right back up and back onto the cobblestone path.

Soobin lets out a laugh, “Oh lovely, I’m aware. But who am I to stop you when we’re this far off? In fact you have enlightened me so, to the idea of going off the path, both figuratively and literally.” You let a breathy laugh, “You’re…not going to take me back to the path then?”

He muses slightly shakily, “No one has come for us, so far. This peace, I have never felt before. It’s…It’s addicting.”

His gaze pierces through you, “You’re addicting, lovely. You make me feel at ease. As though I am not slacking off, but spending meaningful time.” Okay, perhaps, he was very clingy, but you’d let it fly only because the way he looked at you made your heart perform a gymnastics routine within your ribcage and leaves you oddly breathless.

The cool water laps at your feet and you close your eyes feeling the soft breeze. A comfortable silence overlooks the two of you, sat side by side. Soobin peers at your hand on the ground and inches his fingers forward ever so slightly. You don’t let this go unnoticed as you try to keep from smiling like an idiot.

All this time, he had no problem grabbing your hand and pulling you along, but now, he was hesitating? You inch your fingers closer to his and his hand halts in surprise before you give him a small, shy smile. Your fingers intertwine over each other, enjoying the solace together. How odd, that a place as bizarre as Wonderland could be so…tranquil?

“For once I am glad that time is no longer a thing, for once, I am glad that I am destined to be late, so that I could have fortuitous opportunity to meet you,” he speaks. Your heart flutters and you murmur, “You certainly have a way with words.”

“I speak the truth, lovely, do I not?” He questions. A moment of quiet passes and he flushes as you scoot closer to him. The curve of his ears turning a subtle hue of red. “It’s…nice like this, to relax. Not have anything to worry about.”

It was a stark contrast to your busy life. Most of it spent working and socialising (much to your disinclination), it was draining. But here, you felt so…free. Unbound. Lightweight even, as though a speck of dust flowing in a beam of sunlight.

“…Do you also work…hard? What is the world you come from like? Your world must have time, it has been years since we have followed a clock. I’m the only one who does,” he brings out a golden pocket watch. It ticks and the gears churn but the hour and minute hand seem to move back and forth. How on earth does he even use that thing?

“Ah, well, yes, I do have a job. It…takes up majority of my time, unfortunately. It’s,” you breathe shakily, “It’s rough, but gotta get paid, you know?”

“Paid? You get money?” He questions and you gawk absurdly, “You…don’t?” He murmurs, “…No? It is merely my duty, as the White Rabbit, the Timekeeper,” he answers nonchalantly.

Well, you do suppose, living in this world, you’d be so insane, that money would the last of your worries. Nothing made sense here. You snort, “Right, of course. Normal rules don’t apply here, I forgot.”

Soobin inquires softly; his eyes glistening with curiosity, “Could…you tell me about your world? Your life? What’s it like?” He was so interested in you, it made your heart feel so utterly warm.

His fingers tighten their grasp atop yours, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of your hand. Soobin regards you expectantly and you begin to describe your terribly mundane life. As you do so, he pays you much attention, you don’t miss the way his eyes drop to your lips and back up to meet your gaze.

You don’t miss the way he shifts ever so slightly closer. How enamoured he seems to be with you, and oddly, how you relish in this attention, something you’ve never experienced before. “Your voice…I like hearing you talk,” he murmurs, not taking his eyes off you.

You hum, “I could say the same, your voice is nice to hear too.” It had a husk to it, but soft edge at the same time. “You, like my voice, lovely?” He quirks up at your words, eyes flickering with delight. His lips twitch in excitement.

Lovely. Oh goodness…the way he called you that, since you arrived. It just scratched your brain in all the right places. Fuck, were you becoming just as delusional? At this rate you were going to fall in love with a man you had just met!

You look back at Soobin who observes you as you have a mental debate with yourself. You can’t help but let your eyes flicker down to his utterly kissable lips. Oh, how unfair was life.

“Yes, I do…” you finally breathe out. He murmurs, a slight rasp to his voice; the tension in the air palpable, almost sweet to the taste, “Is there anything else you like?”

You hum, “About you?”

“About me,” he confirms. Since when did you get this close to him? Or did he get close to you? Your shoulders were touching, so were your thighs. Oh fuck, what was happening?

Shakily, you respond, “About…you, your hair. Your eyes…” He nods slowly his gaze travelling down from your hair, to your eyes down your face to your lips. Breathless, you resume, “Your…lips.”

Your faces were so close now, inches apart. Breaths mingling, noses brushing against each other. Oh how tempting, was this some sort of test? An illusion? You didn’t know, but something about this moment alone, made him ever so utterly irresistible.

“My…lips?” He breathes, and you nod. “I like yours too,” he breathlessly murmurs. With that, your hand cups his cheek and you lean forward pressing your lips to his. Ah well, fuck it, you’re in this deep and you doubt you could find your own way out, might as well do what you’d never normally do in the normal world, right?

Never knew, you had the capability to ensnare the White Rabbit of Wonderland. Choi Soobin. How odd indeed! Oh but the sweetness of his lips against yours was just too good, too sweet, too addictive.

Soobin’s other hand slides around your waist tugging you closer, his back hunches leaning over and tilting his head slightly giving you better access as your lips move against each other, tongues ever so slightly brushing against each other but not quite enough.

He speaks against your lips, “You’re irresistible.” You smile against his lips, “I could,” he kisses back fervently, “say, the same, ah” you breathe out pleasurably. His lips felt so soft.

Soobin felt as though he was indeed in heaven, kissing you felt more like a dream. An escape from his unshackled yet bound duties. An escape from his never ending time. Oh…how could he possibly let you go? He didn’t want you to leave, if you did…he-he’d have to wait for another guest (who would be nowhere near as perfect as you!) or in the meanwhile resume his duties for the King!

When he got this sweet taste of temptation, how could he ever go back to the way things were? Oh, no, no, no…

You release a muffled yelp of surprise as he leans forward caging your frame between his arm on the ground, his fingers still intertwined with yours and the other around your waist, as he kisses more passionately, desperately even. A groan escapes his lips; he was kissing you like a starved man, a man who was desperate. It had you feeling all sorts of ways, made your body buzz with anticipation and nervous excitement.

He breathes out, “Mm, I could spend all my time doing this,” and you let out a chuckle, “Ah, that’s quite the…suggestion there. I thought you didn’t like waiting around.” He pecks your lips, trailing the bridge of his nose along your jaw to your neck, “I don’t… but for some reason…now I don’t care, lovely.”

Both of you part, his forehead rests upon yours. This moment felt as though you were apart of a fairytale. You didn’t want it to end. He cups your face, “I find myself rather fond of you,” he smiles a little too widely, “Really fond of you.”

You shakily murmur, “I…I can tell.” Soobin murmurs, “How I wish, you could stay in Wonderland with me, there are so many more places to see. To show you. So much more we can do,” he murmurs. He parts from you keeping a hand cupped around your cheek. “Must you really return back home?” His brows furrow, “Must you really try to find the exit?”

Woah now, oh right! You were trying to get back home. That completely slipped your mind. Huh. You mumble, “Oh…right. Yeah, I- I probably should.”

Soobin pleads, “Oh lovely, but you bring me such solace and peace. Can’t you stay? We can hide away here, away from the rest? Didn’t you say you liked it here with no responsibilities and no burdens?” Oh dear, he is awfully persistent. You give him a small smile, “Soobin…you know I can’t.”

“Even…even after we kissed? Won’t you miss me?” His hands tremble and the familiar expression of panic coats his features, “H-H-How will I return back to my duties? W-What if I go insane like the Hatter? Once you leave…there’s no way you c-can even visit-“

“Hold on now, Soobin- lets calm down-“ you stammer awkwardly. You really needed him to guide you to the exit, he clearly knows where it is, if he’s speaking like this. However the trembling waver in his voice and pleading gaze twist and churn your heart in a painful manner. For some reason you felt almost a touch of guilt.

Perhaps it was the momentary euphoria, the blissful nature of everything that caused you two to bond so well, to become so…intimate, romantic even.

Did he fall for you already? Surely not, perhaps he’s just clinging onto the ideals you imparted, the way you make him feel at ease, not you, yourself. Right? Oh, but the way he’s looking at you tells you the very opposite. He wishes for your very being. You shift awkwardly peering away, “Soobin…I-“

He lets out a frantic laugh before covering his mouth, “It’s fine,” another manic laugh. “Really, I-I- understand. I…what was I thinking? That you’d wanted to stay. Wonderland is…a horrid place under this…this… whimsical facade.” He seems to be desperately muttering to himself trying his best to organise his chaotic thoughts.

“No, no, no, I can’t let the others lay their hands on you, you do not deserve such cruelty. If…If I can’t have you…then they certainly cannot.” Your heart drops to your stomach, well, that was certainly ominous. Surely, he wouldn’t be this possessive, right?

With more delirious murmuring, he abruptly stands placing his top hat back on and outstretches his hand to help you up. You peer at his cautiously, “W-Where are we going, Soobin?”

A pained look crosses his eyes, “The exit. You…you do not wish to…be here. And I do not wish to take you to the king. We are already off schedule, the path. I don’t want their f-filthy hands on you.”

You carefully take his hands and he pulls you into a hug. Your heart races; he was acting rather strange. “Come, come, chop, chop, let’s go. Time’s ticking.” Your eyes widen in as he tugs you along once more with determination. “Uh- are you sure, I mean- are you really just letting me go? I don’t know about this- Soobin- Soobin? Are you listening?” You call out.

An aura of paranoia surrounds him. Did the King already know? There’s no way. Well…there’s no way to tell if he did already know. If he did, then there would already be troops out on the hunt. He was the only one in Wonderland who knew when guests arrived. Right?

As much as it hurt him to do so, he knew he could only hide you for so long before suspicions would arise with the others. You wouldn’t last a day with the others. No, no, no. He couldn’t let that happen. He had to let you go.

Perhaps, perhaps he could find a way to visit your world instead. He’s always had been a little different from the rest of the mad bunch. He wasn’t insane, right? No, he was the normal one. He was always the normal one. That’s why you got along so well with him, well, that’s what he thinks anyway. There he was preoccupied with his thoughts again.

Yes, yes, he could attempt to visit your world. You must have had that invite with you, he could work with that. Somehow. Then you could be his safe little secret. Maybe…he could escape this hellhole for good? He would never have to serve the Hatter or King of Hearts ever again? A delusional laugh escapes Soobin’s lips as he strides along. Yes, yes, yes!

You observe him with a concerned expression, whatever internal battle he was having with himself didn’t seem to bode well for you. You wonder what he’s thinking of as he grins to himself.

As you walk along some foliage, a sudden checkered path appears and there’s a large hole in the ground, quite literally like a rabbit burrow. He stammers, “This…this is a short cut to the other side of Wonderland. It’s a bit dark but how I often move around.” You peer at the embroidered white rabbit ears on his hat. You deadpan, “…how fitting.”

“You’re not claustrophobic are you?” He asks shakily. “Uh…” you hesitate peering down into the dark hole, “Depends how narrow it can get.” “It’s okay, I’m with you,” he reassures. You grimace, “Wouldn’t that make it even more cramped?” His eyes widen, “But, but, I need to get you to the exit! I need to!”

You peer at him surprised, “Weren’t you opposed to all that before-“ Soobin clasps both your hand with a pleading gaze, “Come on, lovely, trust me. Trust me. I want you to be safe. I’m not insane like the others, I want to protect you from them.”

From who? The king? The others? Protect? Your head spins, fucking hell, there’s too much happening.

All of a sudden, the both of you are startled with a trumpet blowing and the heavy sound of armoured footsteps. You yelp clinging onto Soobin’s arm, “What the fuck is that?!” There’s no response, you look up to see how pale he’s become, “S-Soobin? Soobin? Hello? Hey!”

His lips twitch into a shaky smile, “Oh. Ah, they’ve found us. How…convenient. I thought no one else knew about you.” What the fuck was going on? Who? Your eyes widen as you tug his arm towards the hole, “Come on! Ah, I’m not claustrophobic all of a sudden! Let’s get moving!”

“It’s too late,” he sighs. You snap pulling at his arm, “The fuck you mean it’s too late?! Come on, move your feet!” He seems to be glued to his spot with fear in his eyes.

You panic as you see several armoured guards. A few holding a banners with ominous red hearts and tassles. Many hold heart shaped spears and stand in formation. A few aim heart shaped arrows at the two of you. You freeze, you were well and truly fucked. No wonder he wasn’t moving.

“Is..Is this the-“ you begin with trepidation. “The Red King of Heart’s troops, yes. Yes they are, lovely,” he answers weakly. One of the knights steps out and bellows, “The White Rabbit has been charged with treason and the dearest guest of Wonderland has been charged as an accomplice!”

You gawk enraged, accomplice? Treason! You snap, “What? We did nothing! You mean having fun is against the rules here?”

The knight ignores your protests and continues, “I hereby come on orders of the King to escort our guest as per usual ordinance since you have failed to do so White Rabbit.”

You look at Soobin who seems to remain silent gripping your hand like a vice. The knight’s eyes snap to yours, “Dearest guest, upon your arrival to the palace, you will be greeted hospitably by our ruler and also face minor punishment for your hand in deviating our timekeeper.”

You snarl, “You were watching!?” The troops flinch at your words and Soobin sighs, “It’s over, lovely. I knew I shouldn’t have deviated. I…I knew this was too good to be true. To indulge myself or to keep you safe. The moment you set foot here, there is only one path to take. After all, time is stuck here.”

You blink at him, anger rolling through you in waves, “Stop all this nonsense! Soobin! This-“ You splutter helplessly; you didn’t even know what to say to that!

“Please come with us with no retaliation or we will be forced to take more harsh measures. That pertains more to you, our dear guest.” They begin marching towards the two of you. Fuck, if you ran into the burrow, they’d shoot all the arrows.

“C-Can we not negotiate?” You stammer however your pleas ring on deaf ears. You scream as they encroach closer and Soobin’s hand never leaves yours; a defeated expression on his face, “I’m sorry, lovely. For my foolishness has gotten us here. It appears that our time, is up.”

Your eyes begin watering, “No, Soobin, no-“ The knights lunge at Soobin and pry him away and you scream piercingly grabbing his arms attempting some semblance of defiance. No, no, they couldn’t take him away from you! Fuck! You couldn’t go to the King!

You cry out, “Give him back! Please, we’ll both go! He’ll take m-me to the palace, in- in- fact, you can escort us b-both there! Promise!” Soobin peers at you as he gets ruthlessly tugged away and finally your grip slips with a final tug, your fingers lose touch and you gasp out painfully, “Soobin!”

The knights haul him away and you spot tears running down his face and his lips form a smile, “It’s okay…cooperate with them. Please. Just cooperate with them, l-lovely.” He hisses as they pin his arms back behind him and he grunts as he writhes against their grasp. He knew what his fate would be.

Tears drip down his cheeks and you see him begin to laugh, making your heart jump to your throat in nausea. It was different laugh from what you previously heard, it was…worse. Maddening. Soobin cackles as tears run down his face, “Lovely, don’t be sad, don’t be sad, please, please, please.”

More and more maniacal laughter emits from him. You peer around at the knights who seem utterly unfazed by his insane outburst. You tremble frozen to your spot as you feel the knights grip your arms pulling them behind you. Soobin is dragged away laughing and crying simultaneously; it caused your heart to ache.

Your throat feels dry and your fingertips cold as ice, fear envelopes you. You were alone once more, in this…new version of hell. You shakily ask the knights who grip and shove you forward, “W-What’s going to happen to Soobin?”

“The White Rabbit has been charged with treason for going against the order of the King. Thus, his punishment will naturally be an execution through beheading,” the knight says nonchalantly. “He’s the timekeeper, you can’t just-“ you stammer shakily. He interrupts with a cruel laugh, “Dearest guest, anything can be replaced. Even you. There’s been many guests though you have been the most different. Now you too, will end up on the same path.”

You feel sick. No…this had to be a bluff. You hear the other knights release a twisted chuckle. “Our majesty has been rather eager to see you.”

Another knight hums amused, “I wonder if they’ll make it longer than the last one.” They all resounding laugh as your blood runs cold.

In a resounding cheer, they haul you along like a lifeless puppet, “In the name of the King of Hearts, march forward!”

Taglist: @naoristerling @staaaarykids @tremendousphantommiracle @lun4kazumii @lunathewritingcat @ur-mother-realnotclickbait @taehyhunnzly @20crowsinahoodie @baekberrie @syraphyina @fullbodyblankets @soohashits @f4iryfever @themochiverse @atiny-chocolate-chip @nothingwithoutgyu @ethystclove @hancafe @nap-of-a-starr @isa942572 @evn-09 @ninitorih @m3chigo @tenleeluvr

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saturnville · 5 months

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do you want to, l. hamilton

pairing: he (lewis hamilton) x black best friend oc (anvika dawson) content: in which two friends cross a line people have been waiting for them to cross...and it works out. warning: 18+ content, angst, fluff, heavy dialogue song: do you want to by xscape an: part one here. part two here. their story is complete. thank you for reading <3 tags: @boujiestpoet @mauvecherie-writes @saintslewis @greedyjudge2 @vile-harlot @emjayewrites @ggaslyp1 @neeville

They hadn’t spoken in over a month. A bridge seemed to find its way between them. Not finding their way back to one another was unlike them. Most disagreements lasted at most three days. But, for there to have been 30 days of silence had her questioning if they’d come back from what they went through.

But, after a much-needed therapy session, a cry session with Onyx, and deep reflection, Anvika realized that space was the best thing she could give him. She was challenged to put herself in his shoes and that changed her perspective entirely.

“I want you to think from his perspective, Anvika,” her therapist began. She was an older Black woman with rich skin and silver hair. Her eyes were like honey and her voice was warm like the hug of an old church mother. “If you had feelings for him, right, whether you admitted them or not, and there came a time where the dam that contained all the feelings, emotions, thoughts, what have you, had broken and he was willing to drown in it all, just to turn around and downplay what occurred not even 12 hours later, how would you feel?”

Ouch. Having it repeated to her without bias struck her uncomfortably. Anvika twisted her lips as she pondered long and hard. How would she feel? Rejected? Embarrassed? Used? Maybe all of the above.

“What are you thinking about?” her therapist, Traci, asked. “And it doesn’t have to come out perfect or sound. Say how you feel.”

Suddenly, her chest heaved as her breaths grew deeper. Her tongue circled her teeth and her eyes welled with tears. “I love him. I always have, in one way or another. But, I cherish what we’ve got and I just don’t—“ she sighed deeply. “I’m afraid for it to be ruined and I lose another man that I love.”

Traci hummed. “So, you love him. Always have, you’ve built a good friendship with him, which could be a solid foundation for a potential romantic relationship, which he seemingly wants, but you’re afraid that it would go wrong and you’d lose him. What else are you afraid of?”

“Just…that I won’t be more than a body to keep his bed warm. That’s why my ex and I split. Sure, we were together, but he was more invested in sex than he was in cultivating and strengthening our relationship. Intimacy is important, but only being desired for your body does something to a girl. I don’t want that…and so I’m afraid of being nothing more than a warm body. And now I’m upset because I teetered on my boundaries which were no sex with anyone that wasn’t my significant other. I don’t have a significant other, Traci. I have a best friend…or had.”

Anvika’s voice shook as she spoke. She fiddled with the necklaces stacked around her neck. 3 gold necklaces—Queen Nefertiti, a heart, and the number 44. Traci’s eyes followed her hands. “What’s 44 stand for?”

Anvika’s hands stalled. Her voice was quiet: “It’s his racing number. He races today.”

“You wear it often?”

Anvika nodded.

“Why?” Traci pressed, pushing her glasses above her head.

“It helps me feel close to him when he’s away. He’s always away.”

Another hum came from Traci. “Does he wear anything that represents you?”

It was small. A simple word on his neck was often hidden by his braided hair. Completion. The definition of her name. He’d gotten it a year prior and never told her until she was helping him take his braids down and noticed the fresh ink there. Her heart grew three sizes that day.

Anvika swallowed thickly. “My name means strong and complete. He has completion tattooed on his neck.”

Traci chuckled in amusement. Breakthrough was happening.

“Sounds to me that the relationship the two of you have goes deeper than you’d like to admit. You shouldn’t beat yourself over the night you shared with him. We all have moments where we teeter-totter. And even though you didn’t want to, you did. But not only did you do it, you did it with a man who cherishes you, who honors you, who respects you. He is still your closest friend, but who is to say that your lover shouldn’t first be your friend? The choice is yours and I will walk with you through whatever decision you make. Just take the time to think about it, Anvika.”

She’d thought about it every day since.

Misery wasn’t a state he found himself in often, let alone one that he allowed himself to bask in. He was a firm believer in not allowing his circumstances to permanently alter his mood; his actions proved that he wasn’t the believer he thought he was.

His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. His words were more limited than usual. His animations were not quite animated. He was going through the motions day by day, a boring routine that grew exhausting. He was better than this and he knew it. But, his usual methods of taking a run, spending time with loved ones, and giving in to his sweet tooth didn’t help. If anything, they made him feel worse. All because they were activities they did together. It seemed as though his entire life was attached to her and it drove him mad.

He didn’t think there’d be a day where his mood would be affected by his disconnect from her. And it manifested physically. Lewis was tired often, which was a symptom of the fast-paced lifestyle, but for it to show in his eyes and the slowness of his movements was a clear indication that he was not okay.

Lewis sighed into his pillow as his phone dinged once again. If he could throw it away, he would. His eyes glanced at the screen. Ani. The fourth message he’d received from her and the fourth time he wouldn’t reply. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he didn’t have much to say.

You raced well, it read. I hope you’re doing well…I hope we cross paths again when you’re ready.

He grappled with responding. His heart yearned to speak with her but his mind overpowered his ability to pick up the phone. What would he respond with? Thanks, not ready to see you because you hurt my heart and made me feel rejected. Talk soon. He’d be damned.

He did a double-take after a moment. You raced well. She watched? His heart twisted. She attended every race she could, amid screaming fans jumping for joy. He could still hear her strained voice chanting his name when he walked on the track.

“Lewis!”

His conversation with the gentleman ahead of him was stopped. The racer apologized graciously and turned to see Anvika at the top of the bleachers waving excitedly. It was her first international race and she was over the moon to be there. He chuckled and beckoned her down.

She shuffled through the bleachers and was soon guided by a security guard to where he stood. She smiled widely. “So, how do you feel?” Her hands grabbed his own and squeezed. She was about to burst.

“I feel good,” he said with a smile. “How do you feel?”

“I’m so excited! I hardly ever leave the country unless it’s for business, so to be here and supporting you--so exciting!” The small bounce she did had the jewelry around her neck bobbing. His eyes dropped to her exposed collarbone--Nefertiti, a gold heart, and the number 44. Bright and shiny like it was brand new. His eyebrow raised. “That new?” His finger curled around the chain, tugging softly. The action had her stumbling toward him.

“Oh, this?” she quipped. “Yeah. I’m not too much of a jersey girl but I couldn’t come without repping you at all. My hat’s up there with Onyx.” She pointed to the bleachers. She hoped it didn’t get swiped--she made him sign it.

The smile on his face matched hers. For them to have been friends, she cared for him in ways that would have people assuming otherwise. Wearing someone’s name or number around your neck, closest to your heart, spoke volumes. And she’d chosen to do it for him. The honor he felt was immense. Lewis wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pressed his lips against her forehead. “You, my love, are a gem.”

“Jeez,” he huffed as he buried his head further into the pillow. Soon, his pillow was wet with tears. He hated to admit how much he missed her. How much he craved hearing her laugh, seeing her smile, or feeling the weight of her when she’d fall asleep on his shoulder. He missed her.

They crossed paths the following Monday after the Met Gala. Lewis was waiting in a lobby for his car to arrive when he heard her call his name in hopes he’d respond. It was an awkward reunion. Neither party knew what to say or what to do. Anvika was surprised he’d spoken to her and Lewis was gobsmacked at her beauty.

“You look beautiful,” he said after some time.

She always claimed red wasn’t her color, but she proved herself wrong and proved himself right. Her dress was much different than what she normally went for and it only emphasized the impact she made once she hit the carpet. The scarlet red complimented the richness of her complexion beautifully and the rose-like details were stunning. And her heels were like liquid gold on her feet. She’d done her hair differently as well. Her dark brown hair was pressed and in an intricate updo that showcased her ethereal features from her dark eyebrows to her round lips. Anvika Dawson was a gem.

Anvika smiled small, feeling flustered under his intense gaze. Her hands smoothed the material of her dress. “Thank you. You do, too.” And she meant it. He was an ethereal being. She often wondered if he was real. Her fingers clawed at her dress as she fought the urge to run her fingers cross his shoulder.

He was dressed to the nines and in her opinion, had been the best dressed gentleman there. She always adored him in black. It made him look powerful and like the king of the room. And his skin, rich and golden, glowed beneath the ambient lights.

Silence covered the two of them like a thin blanket--uncomfortable. Lewis couldn’t remember a time when he was uncomfortable in her presence…until now. Moments later, his security detail let him know the car was present. He prepared to bid his farewells but was stopped by Anvika’s hand on his arm.

“Wait…are you staying at the hotel with the…” In a nervous ramble, she went on and on describing the luxurious building she was put in on behalf of her agency. It was 22 stories tall with the most beautiful lights surrounding the entryway, a maroon carpet leading into the foyer, and a surplus of botanical plants that made her feel as though she was walking through a palace. Lewis, amused by her nervous tangent, nodded.

Anvika’s eyes lit up with hope. “Will you…if you’re up to it…will you stop by, please? I-I’m on the 14th floor, room 44. Will you please just,” she sighed deeply and tore her eyes from his just momentarily, “I miss you, Lewis. And…”

And there it was. He stammered slightly and suddenly felt small under her hopeful gaze. He missed her too. He nodded once more. Anvika released the breath she had no clue she held and assured him she’d be there whenever he decided to come, just to let her know. Before he was whisked away by security, he heard her voice in his ears once again, “Thank you.”

Anvika’s feet nearly burned holes in the floor as she paced around her suite. Her thumb was in her mouth, a chewtoy for her nerves. Her eyes cut toward the small wall clock near the bathroom. He said he’d arrive within an hour. Two minutes late. Would he show up? Her heart was a snare drum in her chest as she contemplated her emotions.

“Calm down,” she ordered herself, though it came out muffled as her teeth drug down the side of her thumb, pulling a tag of sensitive skin with it. She winced when she tugged too hard. “Dammit.”

Then, there was a soft knock. Her head shot up and a gasp came from her. He came. Anvika frantically patted her hair, hoping that her bun didn’t look awful, and sped over to the suite door. She took a deep breath before pulling it open. She smiled small, “Hi.” She moved out of the way to welcome his presence.

Falling into natural order, Lewis made his way toward the couch in the living area of the suite. He sat off to the side, nearest the right arm of the couch with his hands in his lap. She sat at the opposite end with her knees toward inward, brushing against his gently. His eyes were glued to the floor. The tenseness made her uneasy.

She cleared her throat awkwardly and played with the loose strings at the cuff of her (his) oversized sweatshirt. “I had a therapy session not too long after everything happened,” she began. Her admission made him look at her. His eyes, once so full of life and love, were just as dull as the walls surrounding them. “We had what they call a breakthrough. You know, finally getting to the root cause of why we think, act, and speak the way we do. And it was humbling, to say the least…to realize that I hurt you in a way I never thought I was capable of.”

She chuckled breathlessly but nothing was funny. Her tongue circled her teeth, a nervous habit, as she fought to keep the tears at bay. Lewis’ eyes, prickling slowly, stayed on her.

“You left. And that hurt me. But you left because I hurt you. That hurt even more. And I am so sorry. You’ve been nothing but good to me and I let my own fears and insecurities cloud my judgment. I was so focused on not screwing up our friendship that I managed to do it anyway because I was neglecting how you’d feel, too.”

He listened intently. So, she continued, “You asked what I was scared of. I never gave you a clear answer, not because I didn’t know, but because I didn’t want to be honest with you. And simply put, the idea of not only loving another man but losing another man that I love scares me. You already know I was in that messed up situation where I was nothing more than a trophy and a warm body. I didn’t want to be that for any man again. I swore I would never be that for any man again.”

Lewis’ eyes softened and for the first time since they sat down, he spoke, “You know you’re much more than that.” His hand then found its way to her thigh, caressing it softly.

Anvika gave a closed-lipped smile. “And, um…I was upset because I had these strict boundaries, you know, no significant other means no type of intimate activity, right? I crossed that line with you and I beat myself up over it. In my head, I totally rejected this order I placed on myself and just felt internally guilty because at the time, I thought that was the beginning of experiencing heartache again. That manifested into a fear of ruining our friendship because we’d never crossed a line like that before. We went from friends to lovers in the span of 12 hours, and Lewis, that was a crazy shift.

“You always hear stories about people trying the relationship thing with their friends and they end up never speaking again. You mean too much to me for us to never speak again, so when I say I was miserable, that’s what I mean, especially because I put us in this position. None of this excuses what I did, but it was time to finally be honest. I’m sorry.”

Silence. She hated silence. Especially when it was uncomfortable. He still hadn’t said anything but she saw the wheels turning in his head. She watched as his eyes darted from left to right, a sign that he was running through a series of logical thoughts--a million a minute. She waited patiently for his response.

“I felt rejected,” he said softly. “Like I was good for that moment where you let loose but then after that…”

Anvika sighed heavily. The conversation was going deeper than she anticipated.

Lewis dropped his hand from her thigh and brought it to his face, rubbing softly. “When you care for someone all you want to do is be there for them. To be someone that gives them the love, honor, and respect they deserve. I’ve seen how these situations have broken you down and ruined your self-esteem and trust in men, and yet, deep down even while simply being a friend, all I wanted to do was love you and show you differently. So when that happened…what I thought was placed in my grasp was taken just as quickly as it was given. And I would think, is the thought of being with me that bad? That does something to a person, Ani.”

There was a strain in voice as he asked her what he’d been thinking for weeks. Her confessions gave more insight on why she acted the way she did, but just as she said, it didn’t change the fact that he was hurting. But, to lay his heart on the table the way he wanted with her awaiting ears was relieving. Maybe they would get somewhere.

“I know, darling, and I am sorry,” she said quickly between his words, but quickly retreated so he could continue. “Keep going…”

“I can’t make you love me the way I love you, I can’t make you mean it in the way that I do, and I can’t make you want something more with me,” he said truthfully though the thought pained him. “So if friends is what keeps you in my life then--”

“I want to try,” Anvika cut him off. His eyes cut to her. His heart began to pound in his chest. “I was told that your lover should be your friend. I’ve experienced you as my friend for six years and I’m starting to understand that it’s okay for those lines to blur, but I only want that with you. If you’ll still have me.” Though her words ceased, her eyes, filled with tears, pleaded with him. Lewis exhaled.

You, my love, are a gem.

At that moment, Anvika understood why people made love often. She wasn’t a very sexual person, opting for other forms of intimacy to deepen her relationship with her partner. But when it came to Lewis, she knew he would have her addicted and yearning for more.

He was so attentive to the needs of her body and gentle in executing them. He was patient, knowing he was the first man she’d been with in four years and that alone made her desire for him grow greater.

Each graze of his lips against her jaw, sensual caress of her chest, and deep thrust had her singing his name. It was the sweetest song he’d heard.

Lewis made love to her slowly, just as she requested.

“Can you go slow, please?” Her voice was hardly above a whisper.

“Whatever you want, baby.”

He was used to things moving fast, but he was willing to slow down as much as necessary. Plus, it gave him the opportunity to take in every face she made as he dug deep into her.

Anvika was pressed against him, her legs trembling around his waist as he guided her movements. Her head was thrown back as she succumbed to the pleasure she’d been without for so long. Her jaw hung as a string of profanities fell. Lewis couldn’t help but chuckle. “Feel good, baby?”

Anvika let out a breathy whine as her body grew warmer and warmer. The whine turned into a sharp gasp when Lewis’ tattooed hand slithered around her neck and squeezed. “Lewis.” His action made her jerk against him.

“I asked you a question, beloved,” he whispered against her jaw, peppering kisses along her damp skin.

Anvika nodded, “Yes! So good.” Lewis turned her head and brought his mouth to hers—a heated exchange of moans and passion transferred from one to another. “I love you.” The words fell from her lips as she reached her peak.

To be loved. Against her skin, he whispered back, “I love you.”

The water felt amazing against her skin as she stood beneath the rainfall-like water head. It soaked her once pressed hair, causing it to shrink and revert to its natural state. When Anvika wiped the water from her race, she saw Lewis staring at her, eyes full of love with hints of lust.

“What?” she asked innocently, welcoming the forthcoming feeling of his hands at her hips.

“You’re pretty,” he said simply. He swirled a strand of her hair around his finger and watched as it recoiled. Her big eyes followed his movement. “Very pretty.”

Anvika smiled like a school-girl who found out her crush liked her back. “You are, too.” She pecked his lips and prepared to turn toward the water again but was halted by Lewis pressing her against the wall, hiking her leg up, and capturing her lips in a soul-snatching kiss.

She whimpered and tossed her arms around his shoulders. His hand slid between them, his fingers dancing along her most sensitive place, working her up. “Can I?” His arousal nudged her thigh, desperate to get a release in her warmth.

“Yes…”

They ordered takeout and ate comfortably on her bed whilst Sex in the City played on the television in the background. They were bare as the day they were born, but it didn’t spark the same excitement as it did just hours before. It felt natural and domestic.

Anvika sat on his lap, eyes fixed on the television screen as he fed her their shared vegan pasta. The sounds of her heavy chewing made him laugh. “Is it good?” She hummed.

“You’re the only person that could convince me to eat vegan food.”

Lewis shrugged with a lazy smile, claiming for himself what she did not take off the fork. “Because I’m magical.”

Anvika giggled and nodded, pressing her lips against his. “You are, darling, and I love you because of it.”

Lewis wouldn’t get used to hearing that. What scared her before came so naturally in the moment and he was so thankful that it did. He finally got what he wanted and he’d never let her go.

He smiled and it finally reached his eyes, “I love you more.”

And it was so.

#saturnville #black!reader #black reader #original writing #lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton fanfic #lewis hamilton fanfiction #lewis hamilton x black reader #lewis hamilton x black!reader #lewis hamilton x reader #f1 x black!reader #f1 x reader #f1 fanfic #sir lewis hamilton #sir lewis hamilton x black!reader

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delilahsturniolo · 21 days

Text

bad idea right? - c.s

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

in which: y/n and chris have been broken up for 1 year. however, a house party that they were both coincidentally invited to makes them cross paths.

this story contains: smuttt, oral sex, (fem!recieving) fingering, dom!chris, kissing, slight angst, more

written by: @delilahsturniolo

“seeing you tonight? it’s a bad idea right? seeing you tonight?”

“fuck it it’s fine.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I swirled my fork around in my plate, not taking any bites. I blocked out my best friend, Chloe as she chatted incessantly about her boy drama, I was barely even listening.

We were both at a nice restaurant together for lunch, but I was thinking about something else.

Today marked one year of me and Chris breaking up. Our breakup use to make me emotional, but now..I felt nothing. It was weird. Deep down, I still cared, but I wish I didn’t.

“Y/n! Are you even listening to what anything I’m saying?” Chloe waved her hand in front of my face, bringing me back to reality.

“Oh, you said something about…” I trailed off. “Uh, yeah I wasn’t listening.” I laughed awkwardly.

Chloe took a ginormous sip of her drink, before speaking again. “Whatcha thinkin’ about?” Chloe asked me, resting her chin in the palm of her hand.

My lips sealed into a line, I sighed. “I was thinking about…what are we gonna do later? I don’t really wanna go home and do nothing.” I shrugged.

Chloe looked at me, an eager smile forming on her face as she squealed in excitement, completely forgetting that we were in public.

“Well, you’re in luck.” She pulled out her phone, typing on it quickly before turning it around to show me the screen, it was a text message.

“Tara texted me and told me she was throwing a huge party and wants us to come.” Chloe grinned, searching my eyes for some sort of response. I wasn’t surprised she knew Tara. I mean, somehow she was friends with everyone in LA.

“A party? I’m not really into parties.” I shrugged, Chloe rolled her eyes.

“Oh come on, don’t be like that. It’ll be fun.”

I considered for a little bit, I realized that I needed to loosen up and get out of my comfort zone. Plus, knowing Chloe she wouldn’t accept no for an answer.

“Alright, fine.” I gave in, Chloe gasped.

“Yes! I LOVE you!” She exclaimed, I giggled as she expressed her excitement.

୨୧ — ୨୧ — ୨୧ — ୨୧ — ୨୧ — ୨୧ — ୨୧

It was a few hours later, Chloe’s hand rested on my shoulder as she gently blended in the blush on my cheeks. I wore a tight black dress, while Chloe wore a hot pink one.

“Okay.” Chloe stepped back, looking in the mirror and setting down the makeup brush.

“We look hot as fuck.” Chloe commented, I put my hands on my hips, analyzing my outfit. She was right, we looked good, and I felt confident.

“Okay, we should go.” I told her, Chloe nodded, grabbing her purse and following me out the room.

Eventually, we arrived. Chloe parked on the side of the road. We got out of the car, I adjusted my purse that sat on my shoulder and looked ahead.

There were people on the balcony drinking and smoking, and the beaming music was muffled from outside the house.

Chloe locked the car and came up next to me.

“Come on, we’ve got nothing to lose.” She winked, grabbing my hand and practically dragging me inside from how excited she was.

We walked into the house, music blasting through many speakers and colorful flashing lights surrounding us.

Chloe shouted over the loud music. “I’m gonna go get a drink!”

I barely even registered what she said, but nodded anyway. Chloe walked away, leaving me by myself.

I sighed heavily, crossing my arms. Drunk teens stumbled around, while others danced to the music. Not even a few moments later I noticed Chloe dancing with a random man, her drink in her hands.

Rolling my eyes, I decided to go get a drink. I pushed through the large crowd of people, making my way over to the drinks area.

As I walked, my head slammed into a firm chest. I stumbled back, placing my hand on my head and rubbing it.

“Shit, I’m so sorry, are you oka-“ I cut myself off, looking up at this mysterious person. Familiar blue eyes looked into mine. I gasped.

Chris.

The absolute last person I wanted to see.

I froze completely, not knowing what to do.

“Y/n?” Chris narrowed his eyes. My lips sealed into a line.

“Chris..” I spoke. “Wh-what are you doing here?” I asked, awkwardly looking around.

“I’m friends with Tara. I was invited here.” Chris said firmly, I crossed my arms. The way he was looking at me, the way his brunette hair cascaded over his eyes. I remembered it all too well.

Everything felt so awkward, it’d been a year since i’d last seen Chris. I decided to attempt getting out of the conversation.

I shrugged. “You know what? I should lea-“ I turned around to walk away, but Chris firmly grabbed my arm, practically dragging me away. He ignored all my protests as he walked us upstairs, into a random bedroom.

Chris let go of me and shut the door behind him, locking it.

“Chris! What the hell!” I shouted, he simply rolled his eyes.

I gasped as he grabbed me by my waist, bringing me up against the wall. I bit my lip as his tall frame towered over me.

“Look at you, dressing up all slutty.” Chris laughed darkly, his hands traveling up my thighs, and resting on the waistband of my dress.

“It’s not for you.” I stated boldly, only making Chris grin.

“Yeah?” Chris yanked my dress up, smacking my clothed pussy. “Then who’s it for?” He taunted.

I didn’t answer, my panties only dampening at his words. I whimpered as his hand palmed my clothed core, rubbing it through my underwear.

“That’s what I thought.” He mumbled, his head dipping down to kiss me. I moaned into the kiss, my hands tangling through his hair as we fought for dominance.

Chris groaned as I bit down on his bottom lip, he continued messily making out with me.

Chris placed his hands on my waist, leading me to the bed, our lips not once breaking contact as he laid me down on the bed, he hovered on top of me.

He rolled my dress up, exposing my soaked underwear. “Wet before I even took off your panties.” Chris scoffed. I whined as his thumb circled my clothed clit. “P-please..”

Chris pulled down my panties, tossing it to the side as his hands gripped my thighs, spreading my legs open.

“God..missed this pussy s’much..” Chris slurred as his head moved between my thighs. He hummed against my folds, making my breath hitch from the vibrations.

I let out a soft moan as Chris’s tongue swirled around my clit. It felt amazing, I felt a wave of nostalgia crash over me.

“Taste s’good baby…could do this all day.” Chris groaned as I tugged on his hair, sending him over the edge.

I squealed as Chris’s lips latched onto my clit, his movements growing faster as his tongue hit every sweet spot. My back arched against the bed in pleasure.

My wetness leaked down my thighs as my legs began shaking. Chris pulled back slightly, bringing his hand over to my core.

My moans filled the air as one of his fingers slipped inside of me, pumping in and out.

“O-oh my g-god Chris..” I stuttered, his finger coated with my wetness.

“You think you can take more? Hm?” Chris taunted, pulling his finger out of me and running it across my soaked folds. I nodded in desperation.

“I need to hear you say it, love.”

“Please! P-please..I need more Chris..” I panted, Chris nodded, slipping another finger inside of me. I felt a knot in my stomach, ready to burst.

“Need to c-cum..” I cried out. Chris shushed me, burying his head in the crook of my neck, kissing and biting the skin softly.

“Not yet, baby.” Chris whispered, the thrusts of his fingers increasing.

A few seconds later, Chris spoke up. “Cum for me sweetheart.” He mumbled. With one last cry of his name I released the knot in my stomach, immediately feeling relief.

Chris pulled his fingers out, licking them clean before gently leaning into my face, his lips connecting with mine. His hand rested on the side of my neck as his lips moved slow and lovingly.

He pulled away, looking into my eyes. “I love you.” He whispered, still on top of me.

I smiled, running my hands through his messy hair. “I love you too.” I replied, as Chris slowly pulled my dress back down.

୨୧ — ୨୧ — ୨୧ — ୨୧ — ୨୧ — ୨୧

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unholyhelbig · 4 months

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Can't wait for part four oh my god

Center picture Cred: Jadiakallisti

Title: The Beast You've Made of Me [Part 4/7]

Ship: Female!Reader x Natasha Romanoff x Wanda Maximoff

Wordcount: 3,545

Summary: When reader wakes up in her own grave, she's suddenly aware of a past that spans lifetimes, but she's not the only one. Two Avengers are tasked with keeping readers past a secret, or at the very least, controlled.

Warnings: Blood, night terrors, chains, mentions of things under the skin, mentions of torture, terrible grammar.

[a/n: This one may be shorter, but damn if it's not filled with plot. I promise, I don't hate Thor. ]

Main Masterlist | Read my stuff on AO3 | Leave Requests

Wanda Maximoff stared at you while you slept. She hadn’t meant to do so; she was drawn to you. A blanket that was a soft baby blue was covering you and you’d tightened your grip around it until your knuckles were white. Soft breathes escaped you, and she selfishly thought about other quiet sounds she could draw with her presence.

They’d moved you from the initial containment unit when SHIELD was satisfied enough with your blood results, and your rate of regeneration. There were no more physical tests they could run on you, no more blood or vitals that needed to be taken. So, they’d moved you to a cell that was less like a hospital room and more like a condo.

No, Wanda wouldn’t quite call it that. It was mostly white, the walls honeycombed and equipped with sound proofing in need be. There was a bed, and a nightstand, even a television that was tacked the adjacent wall.

In the corner was a glass containment unit that reminded you that you were, in fact, a prisoner. They’d given you more clothes, simple sweatpants and shirts that had a large stretching logo on the front. You’d considered it a win that it didn’t have an inmate number just below the collar.

Wanda stood at the two-way glass. She didn’t have the heart to push through your reserves when they were lowered like this. And truthfully, her skin still tingled from the first time she had invaded your mind. There was so much there, yet, each time she tried to reach further it was like a rolodex of times and dates, and an immeasurable amount of death.

A calloused hand found its way to the small of her back. Wanda clocked the scent of birch and vanilla. It was familiar and calmed her nerves like a soothing balm. The witch bit down on her thumb nail and spared a worried glance to her wife.

“She looks so peaceful when she sleeps.”

“You wouldn’t believe how loud it is in there.”

Natasha hummed and wrapped her arms around Wanda, resting her chin on the other woman’s shoulder. They both watched you for a few minutes; the curve of your figure, and the rhythmic up and down of your chest. A small frown had etched itself onto your features, but it quickly vanished.

“Nat,” Wanda’s voice was nothing more than a whisper, but she’d turned her head, making it ring loud and clear. “I know we’ve been making jokes about this… toying with her. But, I don’t think I can let her go.”

Natasha squeezed Wanda tighter and made eye contact with her in the reflection of the window. That stare was so genuine that it made Natasha’s heart ache in the center of her chest. She didn’t want to admit it, but she found you quite charming too. Aloof, at times, but there was so much hidden under the surface.

“Yeah, baby. I know what you mean. You’ve always had a thing for the broken ones, and she’s convinced that she falls into that category.”

A sigh moved past Wanda’s lips. Your thoughts were so loud they almost penetrated her defenses. You were having a nightmare. According to Natasha, they all followed the same formula, and if it was anything like she had witnessed; the farmstead, the stretching bone-white rib cage that protruded from the center of a young girl. She wanted nothing of it.

“Can we keep her?” Wanda asked.

A chuckle vibrated through Natasha. Wanda felt the sensation against her spine and leaned into the feeling, laying her hands over the ones encircling her. “Well, I suppose that’s up to her.”

A frown formed against your features, a pained expression that pulled at them both in ways that they weren’t expecting. Through they glass, they could hear small whimpers that seemed to catch in your throat. You burrowed further into the mattress. If Wanda squinted, she could see tears wet your rosy cheeks.

Then the screaming started. It was wracked with pain, and a second one didn’t’ escape you before both women burst through the door. They each had experience with night terrors, though, from the sound of it, nothing as visceral as yours.

“Solnechnyy svet,” Wanda’s low hum was accompanied by her soft touch. You writhed, effectively shoving the blankets away. You were in a pair of shorts and a tank-top. A growl pushed past your lips, something inhuman and startling.

It was Natasha who saw the darkness under your skin. She clenched her eyes tighter, trying to clear her vision. There were black veins that squirmed just beneath the surface in the form of chains. But no, they couldn’t be. That would irrational. Binds forming under your flesh and wrapped around your bones. It simply wasn’t possible.

Unconsciously, you clawed at your throat, at ghostly links that snaked around your neck. It was choking you, making it hard to breathe. A hiccup pushed past your lips and tears continued to dampen your pillow.

“Wanda, what do we do?”

Natasha had placed a hand firmly on your chest, pressing you into the mattress. She didn’t want you to thrash hard enough to injure yourself but she struggled against your strength. Another cry escaped you, and blinked again, trying to push the image of sharpened teeth from her mind.

“We have to wake her up, I think.”

“What if that hurts her more?”

“I think she’s going to hurt herself if we don’t pull her out of this. It’s so loud. God, her mind is like tar.”

Natasha didn’t wait for an explanation. She straddled your squirming form. She gripped both of your wrists and pinned them above your head. A cry escaped you, even in your sleep you tried fruitlessly to buck her off.

“Can you go in and pull her out?”

“I can try. Everything is so dark. Can you hold her still?”

Natasha grits, pushing all of her weight on you. “I’m trying. Jesus Christ she’s strong.”

Wanda’s eyes flashed a dark, and alarming red. Natasha huffed, knowing that it would be impossible to reach either of you in this moment. Her arms were starting to fail her, strands of copper hair falling into her gaze. The phantom binds seemed to tightened, you sputtered and pulled, but didn’t falter in your fight.

The witches shoulders started to tremble, her jaw clenched and whispered words not reaching Natasha’s ears. You bucked again, pushing into her. She tightened her thighs around your center, trying to lean all of her weight on your arms.

Small pin-pricks of pain erupted the tendons in hands. With fierce eyes, Natasha gawked at the pitch black that spread across your fingers. Your nails were elongating, ending in claws that were sharp enough to pierce her skin and even draw blood.

Wanda drew in a sharp and cloying breath before she wretched herself away from you and stumbled back from the bed. Her eyes were crimson and frantic for a few moments before she could blink the color away, chest heaving up and down. You were finally quiet, falling limp under Natasha.

Natasha panted, looking back at her wife “Are you okay?”

Wanda used the back of her hand to wipe moisture away from under her eyes. Her hands were shaking, her stare frantic. “I could taste blood. All I could taste was blood.”

Natasha made a small noise and looked down at you. The chains had vanished, your skin smooth, if not an irritated red from your scratching. She couldn’t’ glimpse your teeth, but prayed they weren’t pointed. Your nails had retracted and left nothing but small cuts behind.

“Mm, what the fuck,” you grumbled, eyes fluttering open, betraying your groggy state. You were fully pulled from unconsciousness when you realized the pressure against you. “What the fuck?!”

“Yeah, I’d like to ask you the same thing.”

Natasha let her own body go slack, she flopped down next to you to catch her breath. Wanda had lowered herself tentatively to the corner of the mattress. She audibly gulped, trying to quell the dryness in her throat.

“Shit, did I hurt you?” You glanced down at Wanda, raising yourself up onto your elbow. “I hurt both of you.”

“Not really, kitten. Just startled us, is all.”

Her words hung in the air. She was a good liar, possibly the best, but you could still detect the trepidation in her voice. Your entire body was buzzing, thrumming with a type of fear that you hadn’t felt in years. Not since the ice broke, and your brothers gurgled screams echoed in the air.

Wanda looked as if she’d seen a ghost. Her skin was pale and her eyes were borderline wild. You’d only ever seen the woman in pristine composure, and this frightened you more than the metallic scent of blood that wafted off Natasha.

She let out a shaky breathe that had her wife shooting up despites her exhaustion. She curled a finger under the woman’s chin and guided her soft stare. “Baby, what did you see?”

Wanda grabbed Natasha’s hand with her own, lowering it down to her lap, but not releasing her hold. Her eyes found yours. “What did you see?”

You drew your legs to your chest and hugged them close. There was mostly dark, but a deepening sense of dread clung to you throughout sleep. “I… was in Jennifer’s apartment but something was off. It didn’t’ feel right and it didn’t take me long to notice it. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and splash my face with water, but when I opened the door, it was, shit, it was this dense forest.”

Wanda nodded as if she agreed with your recall. It was an endless landscape of stretching evergreens. Through the gaps in the trees you could see a mountain range that was dusted with a powdering of snow. You knew you weren’t alone, but you couldn’t quite see who was with you.

“There were chains, dozens of them that I was meant to break. The people around me willed that I didn’t, that I couldn’t. But they were easy to snap, nothing for me to push through.”

“They made other chains, didn’t they?” Wanda asked gently.

You nodded. “I think they were afraid of me. I scared them with my size, with my strength. What does that mean?”

Wanda shook her head and gave you a sympathetic stare. If she had felt a fraction of the fear, the contempt, that you had, then you owed her an apology. It hit you like a stone but could break bones like a boulder if one wasn’t careful.

The glass shattered under the strength of the hit. A fierce ache shot down your spine, the pop of windowpane not registering until the pebble-sized shards reined down around your bare feet. Your breathe had effectively been knocked out of you, and kept out by the mans iron-tight grip on your throat, his other hand keeping you steady by wrapping around the fabric of your shirt.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

This man was huge and could easily toss you to the sun if he weren’t restraining himself. He smelled of citrus, of a kind of mint that tickled your throat. Your introduction to Thor, God of Thunder, was not at all what you had imagined.

There was a flicker of anger in his eyes before he launched himself at you. He’d shoved you into the glass pane and decided to choke the life out of you. Your hands clawed at his unwavering grip, lungs burning and legs kicking. Spots had started to form in your vision.

Natasha and Steve tried to pull him away, making little progress. You were losing consciousness, not able to fight back in your current state of shock. His arms were suddenly wrenched back. You fell to the floor, glass embedding itself in it’s skin.

You coughed and sputtered, not registering the phantom manes of red around his wrist, and arms. You curled into yourself, coughing as you greedily took in as much air as you could. Natasha was at your side in an instant. Steve’s aftershave coating your throat as he checked you over. Both disregarded the glass.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Natasha was on her feet, satisfied that you had turned away from death’s doorstep. She closed the distance between herself and the God of Thunder, shoving him with a strong hand. “You touch her again and I’ll put you through a wall. Understand?”

She was deterred by the fear in his eyes. She’d known this man for years, and had him backed into a corner with a protective fury in her bones. Thor was a gentle giant, never using his strength without a driving factor. There was apprehension in his stance, large hands dragging down his bearded face.

“Lady Romanoff, I assure you, you do not know what you are protecting.”

“I just watched you throw someone half your size through a glass window. Explain to me why I wouldn’t protect her.”

She glanced over at you, on your feet and with Steve’s arm around your middle, keeping you up. The hardness of his stare mirrored Natasha’s. Wanda’s eyes were neural, but magic whirred around her fingertips like worms, writhing for purchase.

“That is not a woman!” He laughed, boisterous, yet without humor, he pointed a finger at you. “That is the end of times, the catalyst for the fall of Valhalla and Asgard. My home! If you don’t destroy it, I will.”

“No one is destroying anything.” Wanda snarled, effectively placing herself between Thor and yourself. Her arms were crossed over her chest. “We called to you for answers, not this. You’re welcome to return to your galivanting around space.”

“You expect me to leave? Not until I have it in chains.”

This brought your own stare to his, hardening your stance. A low growl escaped your chest, one that had a dark rumble to it, silencing the entire room. It was inhuman, it pulled the air away and filled the area with tension.

“You see that? That’s just a fraction of power. You let it get in and manipulate you, then you’ll be responsible for the world crumbling. You hear me?”

“Hi, yes,” You raised a shaky hand, “Do I have a say in this?”

“I cannot talk to you!” He said, almost frantically, taking a step back, “I refuse to let you manipulate me.”

Steve cleared his throat, taking control of the room. He removed himself from you when he was certain that you weren’t going to topple over. The pain had turned into a dull hum, and then soon, nothing at all. Your own hair was standing up at the presence of Thor.

“We’re being rash here. You’re clearly bothered by y/n. Before we jump to conclusions, maybe we should talk about this.” He offered, earning a huff and an apprehensive stare. “Explain to us what has you so spooked.”

Yes, god please. You pleaded silently. There was the inherent fear in his stance, but that at least gave way to him knowing exactly what you were. The horror was more accepting than the confusion. He’d sited the end of worlds, and you certainly knew you didn’t’ have that in you, standing in a pair of blood-soaked sweatpants and awkwardly picking a shard of glass from your palm.

Thor’s shoulders had dropped. He’d deflated like a balloon and suddenly looked as pale as Wanda had earlier. He kept his distance from you, licking his dry lips and scratching the back of his head. “Captain, do you recall the struggle of going up against Loki? This deceit and his tricks, and his betrayal.”

He nodded, the room engulfed in quiet. It was their first encounter as a team and so much had happened since then. Natasha clenched and unclenched her jaw, recalling her turmoil with Clint, but keeping her thoughts to herself. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

“We scraped by in that war. Can you imagine the damage his daughter will do if unleashed on this world?”

Thor didn’t get an answer. All eyes had turned to you, finally dislodging the piece of glass from your hand. You let it fall to the floor, your mouth opening as if you wanted to say something, but it died before spoken.

“No,” You laughed, shaking your head “No, absolutely not. I have very normal parents who didn’t’ try to take over the world. My dad paints houses and my mom teaches biology and there is no way in hell I’m anyone else’s child!”

He looked at you with a form of pity now. Just like the rest of the Inhuman’s and heroes of the world, you hadn’t kept up with Loki. Of course, you recognized the sourness behind his name. The malice and the hundreds of lives that he took. But you also recognized the familiar feeling in your gut.

“I don’t’ understand,” Wanda spoke up, “We ran all of the background checks. FRIDAY didn’t’ find a single red flag in Y/n’s history. She was born and grew up in Hoboken. The only police report is from a busted house party and she was just in a holding cell until she sobered up. She is, by all accounts, normal aside from digging herself out of her own grave.”

“You were not supposed to die, so you didn’t.”

“I got hit by a taxi.”

“Okay,” Natasha soothed, placing a calming hand on your back. Nothing was connecting, and it all swirled around your mind viciously. Thor was your uncle? Your angry, blood thirsty uncle.

“Loki had three children that were all a threat to Asgard. And for centuries, the population struggled with their existence, feared them. They were unstoppable creatures that craved nothing but blood and carnage.”

Okay, ouch. The only thing you craved right now was normalcy. It seemed so far out of reach. If you could turn back time and go back to your desk job and your quiet comfort, you would be content for eternity.

“Jormungandr was trapped within the waters that surrounded Asgard, meant to float in a limbo for all eternity. And Hel, she was sent to the underworld to rule. Better the dead than the living be effected by her cruelness.” Thor grimaced, nearly shuddered at the thought of her. “And then there is you. Fenrir.”

“y/n,” You suggested quietly.

He pointed at you with a shaking finger “untamable. Feral. They attempted to chain you down twice before they realized that no metal was strong enough to hold you. They needed to trap you in a different way to stop the coming of Ragnarök.”

“What did you do?” Wanda asked, voice unsteady with anger.

“I didn’t’ do anything. The people of Asgard knew that if they were truly to be safe from its reign, then they’d have to banish it somewhere that didn’t’ offer much power. So, they crafted chains. Ones that would keep it’s animal nature restrained on Asgard, but it’s conscious in a constant state of torture.”

“Oh, nice, cool.” You let out a shaky breath. “That’s really comforting, thank you.”

He sneered at you, fueled by years of legend that had seeped into his brain. You couldn’t remember seeing this type of hatred in anyone before, and certainly not the Avenger that was voted the ‘most huggable’ in at least ten teen magazines.

“You tore Tyr’s hand from his body, ripped his tendons and filled your mouth with blood, you greedy animal.”

“That’s enough.” Steve barked. “You’ve explained nothing. If she is some all-powerful world-ending child of a God, then how is she here?”

“Don’t you get it, Cap? This is it’s prison. Centuries of pain. Life after life watching it’s family die in the most horrific ways. It’s the same prison we’ve trapped Loki in for his sins and the same one it’s fated to live forever.”

The dreams you’d had for years flashed before you in a dizzying brigade. Thor looked much too satisfied for your liking but Natasha’s sudden grip on your arm stopped you. She gave you a knowing look, a warning telling you to stay in place, and against your better judgement, you listened.

“I think it’s time for you to leave.” Wanda said.

“Fine,”

He laughed again, taking a few steps away from the three avengers and their charge. His boots crunched against the glass. He refused to turn his back to you, instead keeping a vicious glare on his features until he made it to the door. You fought off the chills that threatened to work their way through your body. If not for Natasha, you would have fallen back to the floor.

“Be warned, Lady Romanoff. When I return, I will not be alone. I cannot guarantee your safety in the event that you throw yourself between me and this beast again.”

“Go.” Wanda rumbled, “Now.”

Thor held up both hands, nodding his head at Steve before he finally willed himself to turn. The three of you watched helplessly as you walked with a purpose down the corridor. His footfalls echoed, and you swore that you could hear them even when he was out of view.

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alltheirdamn · 5 months

Text

Killing Me Softly | (Joel x teacher!f!reader)

Chap. 7 The Past

Summary: Memories of the past suspended in time. Rating: 18+ Word Count: 6k Warnings: *THIS CONTAINS SERIES SPOILERS* Pre-Outbreak AU, mentions of past trauma, mentions of loss and grief, mild violence, language, mentions of alcohol, yearning, angst A/N: Dare I say, this is my favorite chapter yet. If you haven't connected the pieces by now, then this will answer every question you've had. There were so many signs along the way, and I encourage you to go back and find each and every one. I know this doesn't soothe the heartbreak of the cliffhanger but please know this chapter is IMPORTANT. And we can all agree that Joel is the STANDARD. * I want to thank @loonmartell for helping me navigate this idea and creating a beautiful story that is slowly coming to fruition. You are truly a mastermind, and I give you all my thanks and love*

Masterlist | Ko-fi

~Three and a half years ago~

Joel paced the waiting room, consumed with guilt and anger. He shouldn’t have let you leave that night. Bennett had called you asking to meet for dinner under the guise of wanting to give back the things he still had been holding onto. Joel should have gone with you, should have told you to stay, should have broken Bennett’s jaw. Joel couldn’t have forced you to stay; he knew you needed closure. After the downfall of your relationship with Bennett, you deserved answers.

Whatever happened between leaving his house and the accident would remain a mystery, and Joel was ready to track Bennett down to find out the truth, but right now, all that mattered was you.

Your mom rounded the corner, followed by the doctor, both of their faces grim. Joel’s knees threatened to buckle under him, the worst possible scenarios running through his head.

“How is she? Is she alright?” He asked, the words jumbled together and confused.

The doctor raised a hand to slow Joel’s frenzy, and your mom’s eyes stared at the floor.

“She’s awake,” the doctor started. “But there were some… complications. We just finished taking her for some tests, and we’ve determined she’s sustained a form of retrograde amnesia.”

“She can’t remember the crash?” Joel questioned. He swiped his sweaty palms over the denim of his jeans, anxiety bubbling in his chest.

“After analyzing her CT scans and running some cognitive tests, it looks like she’s lost a large chunk of her memory,” the doctor explained.

“How large are we talkin’, doc? A few months?”

Your mom stepped forward, placing a hand on Joel’s shoulder.

“She asked for Bennett when she woke up,” she whispered.

“What the hell does that mean?” Joel snapped.

“She has no recollection of the last two years,” the doctor said.

Joel staggered back, dragging a hand down his face. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t fucking happening.

“You’re tellin’ me she has no memory of me?” Joel shouted.

“Joel, calm down,” your mom hushed, her eyes darting around the crowded waiting room.

“Calm down?” He echoed. “Jesus, she doesn’t fuckin’ remember me! I need to see her. I need to—I need to tell her.”

The doctor stepped forward, a frown creasing his face.

“It’s imperative that we don’t disrupt her current condition. Any interference with her memory may cause more complications with the amnesia. If we force these forgotten memories on her, it’ll cause too much stress on her brain and ultimately lead to permanent damage. If we want her to regain her memory, we need to wait.”

“How long?” Joel pleaded. “How long do I need to wait?”

“We don’t know,” the doctor sighed. “With amnesia this serious, it could take weeks or even years. There’s no way to determine the timeline right now.”

Joel’s anger flared up, and he slammed his fist into the wall beside him. The pain radiating up his knuckles and hand was nothing in comparison to the pain splintering inside his chest. He was losing you, and you didn’t even realize it.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Miller,” the doctor said. “I know this isn’t easy, but it’s what’s best for her and her recovery right now.”

“But she doesn’t—.” Joel couldn’t get the words out.

He crumpled to the ground with his head in his hands—two years' worth of memories together gone in a matter of seconds. You didn’t remember him. You didn’t know Joel loved you; you didn’t remember that you loved him.

“Joel, sweetie,” your mom cautioned, crouching beside Joel. “You said she was with Bennett before the crash, right?”

Joel lifted his head and glared at your mom through teary eyes. He didn’t want to be reminded that Bennett had returned; he didn’t want to fathom the idea of him being in your life again.

“Don’t tell me you’re seriously thinkin’ about tellin’ him all this,” Joel said. “Y’know what he’s like with her. I can’t let her go and watch her be with him.”

“We need to contact him at least and tell him. If she thinks they’re still together…we must maintain that memory. We have to try. If it’s something Bennett wants and is willing to do, then we have to. I know you want to tell her everything, but her brain is so fragile right now. It’ll scare her, and I can’t risk losing my daughter entirely. Joel, I need you to understand what's best for her.”

“And y’all seriously think Bennett is what’s best for her?” Joel laughed bitterly.

“Of course we don’t, honey. The thought of Bennett comin’ back around kills me, but what if there’s a chance her memory will return sooner than we think? She won’t have to keep him in her life forever, but only until everything comes back to her.”

“And what if it doesn’t? Y’expect me to watch the woman of my dreams love another man? What if one day they get married? Or have kids? I’m supposed to pretend like none of this ever happened?”

Christ, the thought of that made Joel sick. He didn’t want to see you continue the rest of your life with a man who didn’t treat you right. He couldn’t do this… He couldn’t stomach this plan.

“Joel, listen to me,” your mom hissed, grabbing him by the collar. “We need to play the long game, okay? I’m not giving up hope on my daughter, and I know you won’t either. You love her, don’t you?”

Joel nodded helplessly, mouthing the word ‘yes.’

“Then wait for her. It won’t be easy for any of us, but we all need to want this. I’ll talk to my husband and the girls about this, and we’ll work through all the details. Lying isn’t easy, but it might be what ends up saving her memory.”

That night, Bennett showed up at the hospital.

Joel wasn’t in his right mind when Bennett walked into the waiting room. The moment he saw his smug grin and floppy blonde hair, Joel lost it.

“Motherfucker!” Joel yelled, sending his fist straight into Bennett’s jaw.

Bennett reeled over, staggering back into a waiting room chair, while your dad pulled Joel away. A murmur of voices among the other bystanders dragged Joel from his vengeful haze, and he stared at Bennett unamused. He wanted to see him suffer the way he had been suffering.

Bennett worked his jaw back and forth, glaring at Joel as he sat beside your mom.

“This is the thanks I get for agreeing to meet with you guys?” Bennett huffed.

“It’s your fault she’s in that fuckin’ bed,” Joel snapped.

His body still thrummed with unbridled rage, his hands shaking at his sides. Stella, Beth, and your parents were all gathered around the waiting room, taking their respective spots in one of the chairs. Joel couldn’t sit. He didn’t want to be any part of this.

“Joel,” your dad snapped. “Cool it.”

Joel folded his arms over his chest, staring daggers at Bennett as he made himself comfortable in his chair. Your mom leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees.

“Bennett, we need to know what happened before the accident,” she pleaded. “Joel said she was with you, so what happened?”

Bennett shrugged, stretching his legs out and crossing his arms.

“I asked her to come back,” he said plainly, as if it were that simple. Joel seethed, his body twitching as he tried not to hit Bennett again.

“Why?” Beth interjected. “You don’t even fucking like my sister. Why would you do that?”

“I do like your sister,” Bennett argued. “I told her I had made a mistake and that I wanted to try to make things work.”

Beth rolled her eyes, a scowl forming on her face.

“You waited almost two years to make that discovery?” She cackled. “What actually happened?”

Bennett lifted a hand to his jaw, massaging the reddening skin as he quirked a brow at Joel. He was playing with fire; Joel just needed one more reason, and he’d kill Bennett on the spot.

“I told her to meet me for dinner to talk,” Bennett explained. “I still had a few of her stupid books she left behind, so I figured it was a good opportunity to meet with her. I tried to explain my side of things and why I wanted to give us another shot. She just laughed at me. She took her little books and left the restaurant without hearing any more of what I had to say.”

Joel felt a strange sense of pride knowing you had laughed in Bennett’s face, but given the circumstances, it quickly faded. A bitterness flooded his tongue at the thought of you returning to the life you had with Bennett, especially when he spoke of you with such disdain.

“Why does any of that even matter?” Bennett questioned, looking between your parents.

Your mom cleared her throat and spoke up.

“The accident she was in caused some damage to her brain,” she began. “The doctors determined she has a form of amnesia. She doesn’t remember anything from the last two years.”

Bennett’s eyes grew wide, and he slid Joel a knowing look.

“She thinks she’s still with me,” Bennett concluded.

Your mom gave a solemn nod, running a hand through her hair. Joel could see the stress written all over her face, and he could see the pain in her eyes as she realized what was about to happen.

“The doctors think it’s best not to overwhelm her with the memories she’s lost. We don’t want to do this, but it may be best if she resumes the life she thinks is still intact, which means introducing you back into her life. Is that something you’re open to, Bennett?”

Bennett didn’t say a word for several minutes. All he did was stare at his hands in silent contemplation. Beth and Stella sat unmoving, and Joel caught Stella sneaking glances ever so often. Finally, Bennett turned to Joel and studied him before speaking.

“And you’re in agreement with this?” He asked.

Joel gave a single nod, though he was reluctant to do so.

“I’m willin’ to wait for her. She needs time to regain those memories, and I don’t wanna cause any stress on her if she thinks she’s still with you. Trust me, I ain’t happy ‘bout it, but I love her.”

“And if she doesn’t get those memories back?” Bennett pressed.

“Then you better make her the happiest girl in the world and never fuck things up again,” Joel frowned. “I swear I’ll hunt you down if y’ever hurt her. I love her with my whole fuckin’ heart, and I’d do anythin’ to make sure she’s happy.”

“I love her, too, you know.”

Joel had a hard time believing Bennett, but there was a seriousness in Bennett’s eyes that made Joel’s heart ache. He was giving up the one good thing in his life to someone who didn’t deserve your love. Joel was a patient man, but that didn’t stop his heart from breaking. Who knew if you’d ever remember him again? He would have to live his life knowing you may never come back and that he’d have to carry that pain with him every single day. Hope was a fickle thing, one he would rather forego if he could just tell you the truth, but this was his only option. Joel would have to give you up. And he would do it because he loved you beyond all measure.

Your parents took Bennett to meet with the doctors to discuss your current condition and the future it would entail. Joel stayed behind with Beth and Stella, the three of them blanketed by an insurmountable pain that couldn’t be healed.

“What if we never see you again?” Stella asked, her eyes full of tears.

Joel sat beside her, pulling her into his arms and letting her head rest on his shoulder. She was only fifteen, but Joel knew she was aware of the gravity of the situation. Even though she was older than Sarah, he always viewed Stella like another daughter; he had watched her grow up the last two years, and Joel adored her just as much as he did for his daughter.

“Y’gotta stay strong for me, Stell,” Joel sighed, squeezing her shoulder. “She's gonna get those memories back one day, and I’ll be right there when she does. None of y’all will ever lose me. I swear that to you.”

Stella sniffled back tears, curling into Joel’s embrace. He glanced at Beth beside him, giving her a sad smile.

“I’m trustin’ you to look out for her, okay?” He said. “She needs you more than anyone. I know you ain’t happy ‘bout all of this, and I sure as hell ain’t either, but it’s gonna be okay.”

“I don’t agree with any of this,” she grumbled. “I hate him, Joel. I hate all of this.”

“I hate it, too, Beth,” Joel said. “But I love her more, and I’m willin’ to wait for her.”

Beth exhaled, slumping back into the chair. Joel could tell she wanted to say more, but she held her tongue. Joel knew Beth’s anger ran deep for Bennett, and he hoped she’d learn to give you grace through all this. It wasn’t your fault this decision was being made. It was what they all thought was best.

Your mom returned an hour later to gather the girls and usher them home for the rest of the night. Joel’s head was throbbing from all of the stress, and he was on edge, knowing his time with you was running out.

“Is she asleep?” Joel asked.

“The doctors gave her a heavy sedative to help her get through the night,” your mom explained. “In the morning, they’ll run a few more tests and figure out when it’ll be okay to discharge her.”

“Can I see her?” He pleaded. “Just so I can say goodbye?”

The words tasted like ash on his tongue. Goodbye was a word he never wanted to associate with you. He wanted the good nights and good mornings but never a goodbye.

“Of course, sweetie,” your mom said, tears slipping down her face.

Joel realized he wasn’t just saying goodbye to you but to your family as well. A family that had welcomed him in so quickly, a family he had spent holidays with and visited in the summer, he was losing an entire group of people he loved so dearly.

Joel thought he was strong enough to see you, but as he opened the hospital door, he realized how wrong he was. Your face was littered with cuts and bruises, your right eye swollen shut, and your hair matted down with dried blood. It took every ounce of his energy not to collapse at the sight of you lying there, and he moved on unsteady legs to your bedside.

He barely managed to say your name as the syllables broke out in a choked sob. He took your hand, his thumb smoothing lines over your balmy skin. Tears fell onto your fingers as he lifted your hand to his mouth, crying softly as he pressed a kiss against it.

“Oh, baby,” he cried. “I love you so fuckin’ much. I’m so fuckin’ sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so—.”

Joel wept over your body for what felt like an eternity. He let his head hit the bed, your hand pressed against his wet cheek, inhaling the lingering scent of your perfume. Every memory with you flooded his mind: mornings spent together drinking coffee, lazy afternoons laying on the couch while you read your favorite books, weekends at the soccer fields with Sarah.

Joel’s life had flipped upside down in the span of just a few hours, and you’d never know the decision he had to make for the sake of your health. He wasn’t the praying type, but if there were a God up there, he’d spend every night on his knees begging for you to come home to him.

“I love you, baby,” Joel whispered. “Even if you never remember it, I’ll carry you with me forever.”

Joel leaned up to kiss your forehead, his lips lingering a second too long. He never wanted to leave this room because everything would be gone once he did. All he’d have left were the memories and an undying hope you’d wake up one day remembering his face.

Joel spent the next two days gathering your things from his house. He piled your books into a box, along with the miscellaneous items you had littered his home with. He clung to your shirts and held them to his chest, wishing it was you in his arms. Scattered on the fridge were Polaroid pictures you had taken of Joel throughout the two years, and he slipped them away for when he was ready to relive the memories—not yet, but one day.

Sarah came home from school and saw the boxes next to the front door, giving Joel a weary look.

“What’s happening?” She asked.

Joel crouched in front of her, taking her head in his hands. He managed to say your name without faltering and explained everything to his daughter in the simplest way he could.

“She doesn’t remember me?” Sarah murmured, her eyes welling with tears.

Joel hadn’t realized the heartbreak Sarah would be facing, too.

“No, sweetheart,” Joel shook his head. “But one day she will, I promise. You’ll be my tough girl and help Daddy through this, alright? We’re gonna wait for her ‘cause she’s gonna come back. I promise she’ll be back one day, and she’ll be right there on the sidelines again cheerin’ you on.”

“I’m gonna miss her,” Sarah cried, crashing into Joel’s chest and wrapping him into a hug.

“I’m gonna miss her too, sweetheart.”

~ Two years ago ~

Joel’s phone rang well past midnight. Through tired eyes, he searched for it on his nightstand and prayed it was you, but an unknown number lit up the screen, and Joel’s heart stopped.

“Hello?” He answered, his voice roughened from sleep.

“I can’t do it.”

It was Bennett’s voice, frantic and shaky. Joel shot up in bed, his heart pounding out of his chest.

“What do y’mean you ‘can’t do it’?” Joel questioned.

“I—I can’t do it, man. We’re supposed to get married tomorrow, and I can’t fucking do it. She’s making me crazy. You know she says your name in her sleep? She still can’t remember shit, yet all she does is say your name when she’s sleeping. I’m losing my mind.” He was rambling through words so quickly Joel could barely keep up.

“Y’can’t just leave her like this,” Joel said. “Do y’know how much you’re gonna hurt her? You waited ‘til now to decide you didn’t wanna go through with the weddin’? Y’know how fuckin’ stupid you are?”

Bennett exhaled loudly through the receiver, his voice dropping to a whisper.

“I’m never going to make her happy, and she won’t make me happy. I’m not doing this.”

Joel scrubbed a hand over his face and stared up at the ceiling fan, turning above the bed.

“Alright, listen,” Joel started. “You get your shit together, and you leave. Find some job in another state and never come back. She doesn’t deserve this, and she definitely doesn’t deserve the heartbreak you’re ‘bout to give her. So, you take your ass and get the fuck out of town. And I swear, if you ever come back or even try to contact her again, I will kill you. Do y’understand me? I will fuckin’ kill you.”

“You’re threatening a future lawyer?” Bennett laughed.

“I don’t give a damn what you are, Bennett. I’ll take a gun to your head the next time I see you and not even think twice ‘bout pullin’ the trigger,” Joel threatened, speaking through clenched teeth.

“She’ll never forgive you for it,” Bennett countered. “And don’t even think about coming back into her life, either. She’s better off without either one of us. God help the next guy who tries to get with her. She’s a fucking wreck.”

Joel seethed, the room going red. How dare Bennett talk about you like this? Joel should have never left you. He should have fought harder. He should have killed Bennett before he could have ever had the chance to come back.

“I suggest you pack your shit quick, or I’ll find you ‘fore the night is over,” Joel growled. “Get the fuck out of town, you fuckin’ piece of shit.”

Joel slammed his phone shut and slumped against the headboard. Bennett would be out of your life, but at what cost? He knew this would destroy you. God, he couldn’t even fathom the heartbreak you’d face in the morning when you arrived for the wedding. Joel didn’t even let himself imagine what you’d look like, dressed in a beautiful white wedding gown. Bennett didn’t deserve you; he never did. But Joel didn’t deserve you either. You were too good for either of them.

~ Three months ago ~

“Dad, I need to tell you something,” Sarah announced, walking through the front door.

She had just finished her first day of school, and Joel had gotten off work early to be home in time to hear all about it.

The last two years had been a blur of endless work days and long nights spent drinking in the dark. He was drowning himself away in bottles of whiskey, trying to forget you and the pain that still lingered. He had considered going to you so many times to spill the truth and beg you to come back into his life. But he knew better than that. He knew you deserved a normal life without the reminder of the past.

Joel looked up from the stove where he was cooking dinner. Sarah's face was etched with concern, and her lips trembled as she tried to speak.

“Sweetheart, what is it?” Joel panicked.

He dropped the spatula on the counter and rushed to Sarah’s side, holding her firm by the shoulders.

“My—my teacher,” she muttered. “It’s her.”

Joel felt the world tilt on its axle, his body swaying at Sarah’s words.

“Tell me y’didn’t say anythin’ to her,” Joel begged.

“No, I—I didn’t. I swear. I don’t even know what I would say,” Sarah rambled.

“Okay, alright. It’s okay. It’s okay,” Joel exhaled. He needed to sit down.

Pulling out one of the dining chairs, Joel collapsed entirely, burying his head in his hands. Sarah rubbed a hand over his back, gently attempting to soothe him.

“Maybe this is your chance, Dad,” Sarah suggested. “It’s been enough time now. Maybe she’ll be able to handle the truth about everything.”

Joel loved Sarah’s optimism and her bright outlook on everything. Whenever Joel was ready to give up hope, Sarah was right there to guide him back. She was right, it was an opportunity to start over again, but he didn’t want to fuck it up. He wouldn’t lose you twice.

“I’ll think ‘bout it, okay?” Joel sighed. “Let me finish cookin’ dinner, and y’can tell me all ‘bout your day.”

Joel sat across from Sarah, his food untouched the entire time she talked. He had no appetite. All he wanted to do was ask her about you: what you looked like, what your voice sounded like, what books you would teach the class. He knew poetry was your favorite. You would stay up late reading together in bed. You would always chime in with little factoids or comments about the book, and Joel would always sit there listening to every word. Shakespeare was your favorite, and Joel loved watching your face scrunch with concentration as you tried to explain the meaning behind each play. When he packed up your things three and a half years ago, he secretly kept your copy of Romeo and Juliet. Sometimes, when he was drunk enough, Joel would flip through the pages just to trace over your scribbled words and annotations, just to relive a moment kept in secret between the two of you.

Now, his daughter would experience your passion for teaching firsthand. He was a proud son of a bitch, knowing you were following your dreams.

“Dad,” Sarah’s voice cut through Joel’s wandering thoughts.

He glanced up from his full plate and shook his head.

“Sorry, sweetheart. What did you say?”

“I was saying there’s a father-daughter dance in a couple of weeks,” she repeated. “Maybe she’ll be there. You could see her again.”

“Yeah, maybe. I gotta see if I can get ‘round work to be there.”

Joel was all too familiar with Sarah's look of disappointment; he had seen it far too often these last couple of years. His role as a father had been lacking for a while now; he was lost in the haze of losing you, so much so that he was losing himself. Unfortunately, Sarah had been the one suffering the most because of it.

“I’ll make it work, sweetheart,” Joel decided. “I promise.”

After Sarah went to bed, Joel sat on the couch, nursing a short glass of whiskey. He stared at the liquid as he swirled it around, the amber color shimmering under the dim light of the lamp beside him. His phone lay open on his thigh, Beth’s number sitting there waiting to be dialed. Joel had barely spoken to your sister since he last saw her at the hospital, but he knew she would be his first call.

Dialing her number, Joel took a long sip of his drink and waited.

“Joel?” Beth exhaled, her voice groggy from sleep.

“Hey, yeah.” Joel cleared his throat. “It’s me. I, um, I have some news.”

“Did she…” Beth’s voice trailed off.

“No, no. Not yet, at least. Um, Sarah’s first day of school was today, and I found out she’s her teacher. Funny how that happens, right?”

“Wait, my sister? Actually?” Beth sounded shocked.

“Yup,” Joel sighed. “Sarah thinks I should try and talk to her, Whatdaya think?”

Beth remained silent, and Joel cleared the contents of his glass as he waited.

“I don’t know if telling her everything right away is smart,” she said. “I mean, I haven’t talked to her a lot in the past couple of years, so maybe I’m wrong.”

“Y’all haven’t talked?” Joel questioned.

“She and I haven’t spoken since the whole wedding ordeal,” she confessed.

“Wait, why?”

Joel sat up, one hand clutching the phone, the other smoothing over the curls sticking up on the crown of his head. He never thought you and Beth would ever be on bad terms.

“I warned her about Bennett. I tried to talk her into leaving so many times, but she was so stubborn. I don’t know what he said or did to her to make her stay, but she was always at his defense. I hated seeing her with him, Joel. It should have always been you.”

“I know, Beth. I know.”

“Have you considered maybe completely starting over?” Beth asked.

“Like in what way? Datin’?”

“Yeah. Maybe introduce yourself and see where things go. She might not regain her memory, but you’d have new memories together. She deserves to be loved the right way, and you’re the one who can give her that. Take things slow and test the water. You never know.”

Joel considered the idea for a moment. It could work, but what if it didn’t? What if he completely fucked up his second chance with you? He would have to live the rest of his life knowing he lost you twice.

“You’re suggestin’ I lie to her?” Joel scoffed.

“No,” Beth argued, her voice stern. “I’m suggesting you work your charm like you did the first time and see where it goes. She loved you once before, Joel. I think she could love you again.”

Beth’s words were enough of a push for Joel actually to consider that this might work. He knew you. He knew what you liked and didn’t like; he knew every tiny piece of you so that it wouldn’t be hard to sweep you off your feet again. The only problem he had with the plan was lying. If you ever found out the truth, it would crush you. And that terrified him. He didn’t want to break your heart; Bennett had done a good enough job of it, and Joel would never be like him. He would be better. He would prove himself.

“Do y’think your family would agree to this?” Joel asked.

“None of us ever gave up hope, Joel,” Beth sighed. “This could be a chance for all of us to get her back—to get the old version of her back. We miss her a lot.”

“I miss her, too.”

“Go get your girl, Joel. She’s waiting for you.”

Joel spent that night wide awake in bed. The idea he could have you back in his life again set his body alight with a mixture of anxiety and fear. Beth could be right; you could love him again. There was that hope that maybe he could rewrite the past and start anew, but there was also that terrible fear you could slip away from him…permanently. You never regained your memories, and there was a good chance you never would, but not taking this risk would condemn Joel to a life full of grief. He knew grief well; he had walked side by side with it for the last three and a half years. If he could just hold you for one moment and hear you say his name one more time, that would be enough.

When Joel awoke the following day, he had made up his mind; he would keep fighting for you.

He called Maria before school began and explained it all to her. Joel knew Maria had taken the news of your accident the hardest; you and her had always been close. She was like a mother to you here in Austin. Learning how to navigate around your memory loss had been tricky for her, but Joel knew she had done right by you.

It was no surprise when Maria squealed with excitement over the phone, meticulously creating a master plan to bring you both together again. She promised to talk you into chaperoning the father-daughter dance and vowed to continue pushing you his way. Joel had to remind Maria that he was the one in control here; he needed to be the one to make everything work. Knowing everyone was on his side and willing to help ease his mind.

He was going to get you back.

~ Two Months Ago ~

Joel was running late. He had forgotten entirely about the father-daughter dance, and now he was speeding through yellow lights to make it home. He promised Sarah he’d go, but if he was being honest, the thought of seeing you again made him overwhelmingly nervous. What would he say to you? What would you think of him? What if he ruined his second chance?

Bolting through the garage, Joel called out for Sarah in a rush. She came barreling down the stairs in a blur of lavender and Joel had to stop his racing thoughts to admire his daughter.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Joel smiled. “Y’look beautiful.”

“You’re late,” she frowned. “We need to go now.”

She tugged his hand back toward the garage and into the truck. While Joel grappled with the reality that he was going to see you again, Sarah was buzzing with excitement. She saw you every day at school, but this was different. She wasn’t just seeing you… she was going to see you and Joel together in the same room since before the accident. Sarah never got to say a proper goodbye when everything happened, and Joel knew it was hard for Sarah to maintain a semblance of composure every time she sat at her school desk. The memories of you two together were embedded so deep it was hard for Sarah to ignore. Before the school year, Sarah would try to talk about you with Joel from time to time, trying to cling to the nostalgia of the past. Joel knew the suffering wasn’t just his alone; Sarah lost you that day, too.

Joel’s hands were shaking as he put the truck in park, his eyes unsteady as he tried to focus on the school's entrance. You were somewhere inside that gymnasium; he could feel it. It was like a silent call, a tug on an invisible string, an asteroid coming into orbit. You were the pull on his gravity, just beckoning him closer.

“Dad, c’mon!” Sarah begged, unlocking the door.

She was already skipping down the parking lot before Joel could put his keys in his back pocket. He urged her to return so they could walk inside together—maybe because he needed the moral support. He had everyone on his side for this plan, but if he fucked it up, it wouldn’t just be his loss. It would be everyone’s.

The gymnasium was covered in twinkling lights, and the basketball court transformed into a dance floor for the evening. Joel’s eyes bounced around the room, searching for you within the crowd. Through the crowd of moving bodies, he couldn’t find you. Maybe you weren’t here; maybe it was too late.

Joel refused to be defeated this quickly and decided to remain focused on Sarah. At the end of the day, this dance was for her. He watched as she mingled with her friends, fawning over each other's dresses and gossiping about the latest drama. Joel remained on the outer edge of the dance floor, his palms damp from sweat and his pulse racing.

The music shifted to a slow song, and Sarah quickly found Joel and pulled him onto the dancefloor. Seeing her excitement alleviated the bundle of anxiety pulsating inside his chest. He watched as her dress floated around her with every turn, the dimples on her face appearing as he continued twirling her around. The music was slowly drifting to a close, and Joel ushered Sarah in for one last spin. He couldn’t contain the smile on his face as he watched her happiness radiate into the space around him. He maneuvered himself around her twirling body and glanced up toward the side of the gym.

Everything around him ceased to exist at that moment. Amidst the blurring bodies and the chaos of voices, the world stood still. There you were, standing quietly in the shadows, your body bathed in flickering lights, like a lighthouse in the distance of a stormy sea. Joel silently pleaded for you to look at him, even for a second.

As if you heard his thoughts, your eyes met his for a fleeting moment, and it’s as if you saw him. The room melted away, and it was just you and him for the briefest moment in time. Joel swore you looked at him as if you remembered…as if you had searched the room just to find him. The erratic beating of his heart slowed, his body recognizing the strange comfort of your presence even at a distance. Every cell, every atom, every piece of himself cried out to you.

You saw him.

And he smiled.

#joel x reader #joel miller x reader #joel x teacher!f!reader #joel x f!reader #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller #tlou #tlou fanfic #joel miller fanfic #pre outbreak!joel #angst angst angst #sorry in advance for the tears you will shed

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failbettergames · 6 months

Photo

You dream of rain. You dream that the ink that is your flesh is running off the page, smeared into dark rivulets on the vellum. When you wake, you can still feel a stiffness in your back; as if your spine is being held tautly by yarn.

In the dark of the cabin, your mind enumerates sensations as your eyes adjust: The sway of the gondola. The vibration from the engine in the starboard nacelle above you, rattling slightly – still no replacement for the broken fuel intake.

The noise of water rapping against a porthole window.

Hello, delicious friends. It appears that time, very disrespectfully, has chosen to march on until it is very nearly April. The time has come to talk about our major future plans for Fallen London.

A new major storyline

Firmament is Fallen London’s next major expansion, a main story arc that adds on to the game’s ongoing progression. Acquire an airship – permanently, this time. Fly to the Roof. Explore the stalactite fields ruled by the Starved Men, the carved paths of the Moon-MIsers, the inverted jungles of the Antipelago, and more.

This expansion focuses on the Roof. Just like the unterzee gets stranger and darker as you zail away from familiar shores, so do the upper airs of the Neath contain more than what you know about. As these castles on the ceiling open to you, you will learn more.

Firmament will launch over the course of April, with a prologue becoming available on April 11th, and the full first chapter on April 18th.

While Firmament is in some ways a follow-up to the Railway storyline, we are aware of how long it takes to get to the very end of the game’s (current) highest-level story. When Firmament launches, you will be able to start it as long as you have already begun the Railway storyline and reached Ealing. While you will need to advance your railway further to access the latter parts of Firmament, there should be ample time to catch up on the Railway in between Firmament chapters.

New mechanics

The Railway arc added new advanced skills. During the Zeefarer cycle we added revamped Zee travel and the new Boon/Burden mechanic. This set of updates comes with its own mechanical expansions to the game.

New item slots

Airships make their return as full-fledged items. Much like zeefaring ships, they serve you mostly in air travel – Aerial Prowess and Aerial Armament also make their return. But we’re also adding a few other item slots, while we’re at it.

Adornment includes all manner of jewellery and accessories – rings, necklaces, earrings, neckties, brooches, and more. Previously, items in this vein would appear in slots like Gloves or Clothing, leading to the somewhat odd mental image of wearing your Pendant of Helicon Amber and nothing else. With this update, these items gain their own space, enabling more player expression and empowering players to reach slightly higher stats.

Several existing items will be shifted to the Adornment slot, slightly buffing them by allowing them to stack with other existing items. Adornment is intended to be a part of the game from relatively early on – around the later parts of Making Your Name. A new Bazaar store, selling Adornments, will be added in a future update.

Crew is a complement to both ships and airships. We’ve long wanted to give ship crews (distinct from the vessels themselves) a bit more personality. Are they experienced or green? Are they Admiralty men through and through, or a band of privateers and villains? These kinds of concepts never really fit the Companion or Affiliation slots, so we are creating a purposeful slot for them.

Crews will be made available in a future update, initially accessible to players who have a ship.

Luggage may seem like a slightly odd addition, but so much of Fallen London, and Victorian fiction in general, is about travel and the mystique of travel. A battered steamer trunk that’s been everywhere. A briefcase full of secrets. Phileas Fogg’s carpetbag. Luggage is intended as a midgame slot. In a future update, you will be able to assemble some initial Luggage items in the Bazaar Side-Streets.

New Skills

We are conscious of not adding too much complexity to the game, especially not all at once. Firmament doesn’t add a full suite of new skills, like the Railway. It adds one new skill, and two new qualities of a somewhat skill-like nature.

Chthonosophy, the study of the root of things, has already been teased – but you’ve not really been able to obtain it, thus far. It is the major new skill for Firmament, playing a role similar to the role Zeefaring had in Evolution.

Inerrant and Insubstantial join Neathproofed as its two other counterparts. Like Neathproofed, these will appear more as additive benefits; they help your checks with other skills, more so than being checked in themselves. They exist to add a little extra, to help differentiate otherwise-similar items, and to act as an occasional bonus. As part of Firmament, we are pushing to make more use of Neathproofed, and carve out that space for its new counterparts, also.

Roof Travel

I won’t go into too many details about Roof travel, other than to set expectations. Yes, there is a new map. No, Roof travel is not quite a fully-fledged activity like zailing is.

We aimed it at a sort of middle ground between Railway travel (which is convenient and fairly predictable) and Zee travel (which is a whole venture unto itself.) Traveling from point to point on the Roof mostly takes one action; very occasionally, two. But it is drastically more variable than rail travel. There’s a broad variety of different things you can encounter in the upper airs of the Neath. And as you progress this storyline, you will encounter stranger things as you travel through the air.

And other delights…

Of course, we have other things planned for the rest of 2024. Our usual festivals will run as usual. A new Estival. Monthly Exceptional Stories. Various other surprises, including a series of more grounded new stories set in London. But we’ll talk about these things in detail sometime after Whitsun, which should take place, as usual, in May.

#fallen london #firmament

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antoncore · 4 months

Text

calling after me | j. sc

now playing: wallows - calling after me

contains: smut (minors dni), fluff, jealousfwb!sungchan, recording, hickeys, breeding kink, reader is painfully unaware of sungchan’s feelings for her

word count: 2.7k

synopsis: jung sungchan, the university football team's captain, is your friend with benefits, but feelings start to complicate things. his sudden affection towards you leaves you confused as you navigate your own emotions. could your relationship with sungchan develop?

a/n: hope you guys enjoy this and i’m sorry if this pure yap! also just to clarify when i say football i mean what americans call soccer lmfao

you didn’t know how you got to this point with jung sungchan. he was one of the hottest guys on campus, being the captain of the university football team and you were just… you. just an average student just trying to get through university. you weren’t unpopular but you weren’t popular either so you never understood how this happened. from being complete strangers in the same class to becoming project partners, then friends, and now...friends with benefits. initially, you had agreed to this arrangement because you had just had your heart broken by this guy you were seeing and you didn’t want to jump into a relationship for a while.

but you had started to form feelings for sungchan, something that you promised yourself you wouldn’t do. you didn’t want to have this discussion with him as you didn’t want to risk your friendship so you started to hook up with other people to fill the void. the other people you’d hook up with would always try to take you out on dates but you weren’t interested at all, nobody could compare to sungchan. the way he genuinely cared about you, the way he’d prioritise your pleasure over his own and the way he always paid attention to you to figure out what you liked (and didn’t like) and the way he always made an effort to take care of you after sex had you falling for him.

today was another sunday in the library, studying for your end of year exams that you were dreading. you put your music on, not expecting to be approached by anyone but you felt a tap on your shoulder. it was sungchan, holding your favourite drink. “hey, y/n,” he whispered with a warm smile, “i noticed that we haven’t been seeing each other much lately because we’ve been studying lately so i thought i might bring this for you.” admittedly, you had used the exam period as an excuse to see sungchan less as you weren’t ready to confront your feelings for him. “thank you, sungchan,” you whispered back as you took the drink, trying not to blush, “that’s really thoughtful of you.” sungchan’s smile widened at your reaction to his attempt to show you affection. “of course y/n, anything for you,” he replied softly, the way he looked at you making you weak. “by the way, how long have you been here, huh?” you laughed nervously knowing that he cared enough to ask. “a few hours now,” you admitted. “you’re coming with me for a walk right now y/n, you need to take breaks.”

you hesitantly got up, feeling equally nervous and excited to spend time with sungchan. you walked around the local park, your heart beating so fast. “you know, you look really good today y/n. well you look good everyday but i thought i’d tell you” he said, unable to take his eyes off of you. “thank you, sungchan. you’re so sweet towards me,”you replied, blushing. “sweet, hm? you’re so cute when you blush y/n, only ever seen you do it when i fill you up with my cock,” sungchan says, smirking as you both gaze at each other. you can’t help but blush even harder when he mentions what you’re like in bed. you then look away shyly and you both go silent, deciding to enjoy the walk.

sungchan walks you back to the library and before you part ways, he pulls you in for a hug which was unusual for him to do. “thanks for the walk chan, i enjoyed it a lot,” you say. “anytime, y/n. i like spending time with you. speaking of, how about you come to my football game on thursday? i know it’s exam season but you deserve to have a bit of fun too,” he suggests, his eyes hopeful. he had never asked you to attend a game before, just asked you to make sure you’re available after in case he needed you to relieve his stress. “of course, i’d love to,” you replied, smiling. “5pm at the campus grounds. i’ll see you there, bye y/n,” he says, smiling again before turning away. you continue studying, unable to stop thinking about the game in a couple of days.

it was the day before the game and you were in your room. your latest hookup, jay, had just left and you couldn’t help but feel guilty for sleeping with another guy apart from sungchan. but it was ok to, right? you needed to distract yourself from your feelings plus you didn’t want to believe that sungchan liked you unless he told you directly. you hoped that you’d know soon so that you could finally feel at ease.

game day was finally here and you were so excited. you put on the team shirt with a short skirt, wanting to catch sungchan’s eye. you also incorporated lavender purple, the team’s colour, into your hair and makeup. you did this tying a ribbon in your hair and doing a lavender eye look. you walked with some of your friends to the game, meeting with everyone else there. sungchan instantly spotted you and ran to you excitedly, abandoning the conversation he was having with his teammates. “hey y/n! wow… you look amazing and the lavender suits you well, you should come more often!” he said with the biggest smile on his face. “thank you chan and good luck! you’ve got this, i believe in you!” you replied, hugging him. and off he went, back to his last-minute training session with his teammates before kickoff.

as the game came to half-time, jay approached you, smiling at you flirtatiously. “hey y/n, didn’t know you liked football. guess we can watch together for the rest of the game, like a first date?” he said, putting his arm around you. you smiled politely, not wanting to be rude. sungchan ran over to the sidelines to talk to you once again, his expression turning sour at the sight of another man talking to you. “hey, y/n! how are you enjoying the game?” he asked in a possessive tone. jay walked away very quickly, getting the hint. “i’m enjoying it a lot, sungchan! you’re playing really well!” you responded excitedly. “i’m glad you’re enjoying it because we’re going to win!” he said with determination in his voice.

sticking to his words, the team won 7-2 and the crowd cheered happily. sungchan’s teammates lifted him up in celebration but his eyes could only look at you. once his teammates put him down, he rushed over to you and hugged you tighter than ever before. "y/n, you have no idea how much it means to me that you came to support me today," sungchan whispered into your ear, his breath warm against your skin. "couldn't imagine celebrating this victory with anyone else but you." you looked at him lovingly as you said “i’m so fucking proud of you, channie. you played amazingly!!!” “well y/n, we’ve got to celebrate right? how about we go to my place and have some drinks? i don’t feel like going out with the others, just want it to be us two,” he suggested, gazing at you warmly. as you nodded, you felt your heart beat rapidly at the thought of spending more intimate time with him. “i’d love to sungchan,” you said, your voice filled with anticipation. “just wait for me where the changing rooms are, ok? need to have a shower and get changed,” “of course, channie” you replied before he went to the changing rooms.

you waited outside for sungchan. after a few minutes, he came out wearing a black jacket over a plain black t-shirt and jeans. he looked so effortless that you fell even deeper for him in that very moment. “ready?” he asked, offering you his hand. you took it, feeling a surge of excitement through you as you walked together towards his place. he unlocked the door, taking off his jacket and leading you to the kitchen. “so, what drink would you like? i have almost anything you could think of,” he said, pointing to the bottles behind him. “whatever you’re having channie,” you replied as your eyes met, giving you butterflies. “i’m thinking wine, it’s a special occasion, right?” he suggested with a soft smile. you nodded. he poured the wine, giving you your glass and then sitting at the kitchen counter.

as the night goes on, you both get drunk and your conversations became more candid and vulnerable, both sharing your secrets, dreams and fears when all of a sudden the topic of hooking up is brought up. just as you’re about to respond, you get a call. it’s jay, the guy you hooked up with recently who desperately wanted to take things further despite you making it clear that you didn’t want the same thing. “give me the phone right now, y/n,” sungchan says, his voice low and possessive as he takes it out of your hand. he answers the phone, listening to jay attempt to convince you to meet with him again. sungchan couldn’t help but feel extremely jealous, he could feel it completely consuming him. “listen here jay, i’ve already tried to show you earlier at the game that she isn’t fucking interested but you’re clearly too dumb to understand that. so leave her alone and move on, she’s with me,” sungchan said, his frustration very clear. you’d never seen sungchan so possessive before but there was something undeniably attractive about it. he abruptly ends the call and turns to you, moving as close as possible to you as his eyes locked with yours. you could feel the tension between the two of you in the air but he breaks the silence.

“you know, y/n,” sungchan begins, his voice filled with vulnerability. “i’ve been feeling overwhelmed by my emotions lately and i can’t hide them from you anymore. i’ve tried to show you how much you mean to me but i think i need to be direct. i love you and i have for quite some time now,” he continues, trying not to get emotional. “i can’t do this arrangement anymore. i want more with you. i want us to be together as a couple. will you be my girlfriend, y/n?” he asks, his voice trembling slightly with nervousness and anticipation. you took his hand in yours and looked into his eyes lovingly and with a smile, you replied “of course, channie. i’ve been dreaming of this day for so long, you don’t even know.” sungchan’s eyes instantly lit up with joy, his heart filled with happiness. “really? you mean it?” he asked, unable to contain his excitement. "absolutely," you said, your heart overflowing with love. "i love you, channie, and i want to be with you, now and always." a wide smile spread across his face as he pulled you into a tight embrace, holding you close as if he never wants to let you go.

“by the way, i got you something,” sungchan said, reaching into his pocket. he pulled out a small velvet box and inside was a stunning necklace with a heart pendant with his initials. you gasped in awe of the necklace, it was so pretty and he was so thoughtful. “channie, i-it’s beautiful,” you said gratefully. sungchan smiled warmly, his eyes filled with adoration as he took the necklace and clasped it around your neck. “now, everyone will know that you’re mine,” he said softly. he couldn’t help getting turned on by the sight of you wearing a necklace with his initials on it. he kept thinking about how you’d look when you two would have sex, especially in missionary. god you’d look so gorgeous, he thought as his cock got harder. he got up suddenly, grabbing your hand and going to the bedroom and then pinning you up against the wall.

“i need you, y/n. badly,” sungchan whispers, his voice filled with lust. he started leaving hickies on your neck, another way to show others who you belonged to. you moaned softly as he used his lips on your body, loving the way it felt. “get on the bed for me, pretty girl,” he demanded. you obeyed him without hesitation, knowing he liked when you were obedient. as you laid down, sungchan looked at you with a balance of desire and tenderness in his eyes. you were truly all he ever wanted. he got on top of you and kissed you passionately, touching your body through your clothes making you moan lightly. sungchan helps you take off your clothes, admiring every inch of your body. “you’re so beautiful y/n, need to mark every inch of you so that everyone we see knows you’re mine,” he whispered as he kisses your body, leaving hickeys along the way on your tits and stomach. he looks down at your pussy, looking at how wet you were just for him. “this for me, hmm? so pretty, angel,” he whispers as he takes off his shirt, revealing his abs which you always found attractive. it’s not like you hadn’t seen them before but something had changed; you were now his girlfriend meaning he was yours, nobody else could have him.

“need to be inside you right now, pretty girl,” sungchan says huskily as he pulled down his pants, revealing his hard cock. you gasp as if this was your first time with sungchan even though you’d done this many times. “need you too, channie,” you whisper back, your voice sounding so needy for his cock. he teases you with the tip, making you whine desperately for more. he finally gives you what you want, giving you his whole cock deep inside your pussy as he fills you completely. “you feel so good, baby,”he says breathily, the pet name making you blush. he continues, going slow but deep so he can feel every inch of you. with each thrust, you were feeling so much pleasure as you arched your back. “hm baby, have an idea. wanna film this to send to jay?” sungchan says, his voice filled with excitement at the thought of what he’d just said. “mm, yes chan, need to show jay who i belong to,” you reply eagerly. sungchan grabs your phone and positions it so that it shows your pretty face as you take every inch of his cock. “tell jay who you belong to, pretty girl. look at the camera and tell him who loves you, who’s fucking you so good,” he whispers as he goes faster. “i belong to you, sungchan, only you,” you moaned, getting close to cumming. “that’s it baby, tell him again, be louder,” he demands. you comply, moaning louder and louder for him as he gets faster and faster, wanting to cum.

as you both get closer, sungchan’s thrusts get more urgent and his grip on you tightens, pulling you as close to him as possible. you were both speechless, unable to do anything but moan as the pleasure gets more and more overwhelming. he gets so greedy, fucking you even faster than he ever has making your tits bounce along with the pretty necklace he got for you. “gonna cum inside you, baby. gonna make you all fucking mine, understand?” “yes channie, make me all yours,” you whimper, close to tears as you cling onto him as you scratch his back, leaving your own marks on him. with a final thrust, sungchan fills you up with his cum as you cum at the same time. he moves the camera down to show his cum dripping from your pussy. “see jay, she’s all mine. look at that pretty pussy, dripping with my cum,” sungchan says, his voice possessive as he smirks at you.

sungchan stops filming, wrapping his arms around you as he holds you close. you felt so complete and cherished in his arms. his gaze softens, gently kissing you, comforting you. he gets up, grabs a cloth and cleans you up, his touch gentle and caring. once you were both settled in bed, wrapped in each other's arms, sungchan whispered sweet words of affection, his voice a soothing melody that lulled you into a state of tranquility. "you're everything to me, y/n," he murmured, his breath warm against your skin, "i love you more than words can express." you smiled softly, feeling warmth and contentment. in his embrace, you felt so safe, knowing that you were loved by the man you loved all along. as you drifted off to sleep wrapped in the warmth of sungchan's love, you felt a sense of peace unlike anything you had ever known before.

#riize hard hours #riize smut #riize hard thoughts #sungchan smut #tonisbabydoll writes ✎ᝰ.#sungchan hard hours #sungchan hard thoughts

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martyfive · 7 months

Text

i lay in bed sick for two weeks straight. first there’s body temperature i never knew was possible for a human to have, then there are coughs that feel like they may be the last ones i could ever have in my life, then there’s weakness, then my five year old phone falls down from the bed ending up completely broken, then the bed sheets become something i couldn’t bear to see anymore. then i get up, go outside and unexpectedly find myself at the offer of a somewhat steady part job at this small italian restaurant we’ve been visiting every sunday sharp for the last year and a half except for these two weeks i spent lying sick in bed. we are leaving the bar for the night when R. asks me if i’d like to help her at the bar a couple hours a week.

“i have no experience or anything,” i say, feeling extremely daft. “i’m not even sure i can talk to people properly. i never really could.”

“it’s okay,” she says. “you’ll be polishing the glasses. it’s not hard. i’ll teach you everything.”

on our way home A. says, “it could be good for you, you know. being among people and trying something new,” and i feel like he’s right.

at this point this small restaurant already feels like another home i want to belong to. going there every sunday for so long totally helped with that. they have one of my works i gave them as a present for christmas on the wall. it hangs up above the table me and A. occupied the first time we ever came to eat there. the frame contains pages from a sketchbook i used to draw in while visiting italy five years ago. it feels too personal, but also somehow on it’s place. i hate to hoard the stuff i create. i want to be bolder.

regretting my life choices, i spend all what’s left from my last year’s salary on a new phone. it’s a first phone i bought without anyone’s help. it costs more than i deserve.

i can’t find any will to start drawing again after being sick for two weeks.

a couple days later i go to the restaurant to ask R. about the time i can get to work. she says, “this thursday, 6:30 pm,” and then adds, tugging on my star wars hoodie, “and put on a black shirt, if you have one”.

so i find one that looks like A. has been wearing it during his teenage years when he looked more like a stick than a human and i go for the job that for the first time in my life has nothing to do with any kind of art except the art of making cocktails i still keep messing up. a couple hours a week somehow soon turns into ten as normally as “polishing glasses” turns into “doing everything there is possible to do as quickly as possible”.

“would you like to do thirty hours a week?” R. asks one day looking hopeful as if i hadn’t broken ten of their glasses in the first five days of work.

“my back is gonna die sooner than you expect it to if i agree to that,” i answer. and it really is the only reason i don’t say yes.

i soon notice there is no time to think of anything else except the work to be done while i am behind the bar once again forgetting the difference between prosecco and chardonnay or picking the ice from the ice machine or freezing in the giant fridge while looking for the specific crate of beer everyone in this town drinks more often than water. the countless amount of crates are brought from and to the back room. the ten glasses are crushed, four of them in my own hands just from squeezing too hard on them. i cringe about every single one of them before falling asleep after coming home around midnight with my aching back and more money than i ever earned drawing pictures. i think about that one time my friend told me that once you start working in catering, there’s no way back. i haven’t talked to her in a while and i can’t ask her if she still thinks it’s true.

i still can’t draw. i guess it will pass. i still cough although i’m trying not to be loud when i’m behind the bar.

“you smoke?” R. asks. “i do. i just don’t have time.”

“i’ve been smoking since i was sixteen. but not anymore really,” i say to that. “when my mother calls me, then i smoke. but that doesn’t happen very often.”

M. laughs at that as if he understands what i’m talking about and says, “with this job, i either smoke a cigarette or kill somebody,” and i laugh with him.

M. is the chef and the restaurant is named after him. he cooks so good there is surely nothing better i’ve ever eaten in my entire life. i hear all about it from guests while picking the dishes from the tables, smiling and pretending my hands are not shaking. he and R. speak to each other in loud italian and i like how they sound even if i only understand a couple words from their dialogues.

“what’s allora?” i ask one time.

R. looks at me like i’m the only one who ever asked her a silly question like that, “huh,” she says, “i don’t know. it’s like here we go or something like that,” and she smiles.

i like talking to her. for some reason i like asking her questions and seeing the surprise on her face. she’s five years older than me but i feel like a child around her. she also has her birthday in november.

“all my family are scorpions,” she says after revealing the fact that there’s ten days between our birthdays. she names at least ten of the members of her family and all their november birthday dates in a row.

i say, “the parties must be hilarious when you all gather together.”

more often i feel like she’s my serious boss i keep disappointing with my every move but at the end of the shifts she turns into what feels more like a friend. i secretly hope i can be her friend one day even though it seems like she knows the name of every human being in this town and even some other nearby towns and doesn’t really need any more friends than she already has. but after all, i’m a part of this town now, too.

“what is your favourite thing to do here here at the bar?” i ask the other day.

she looks puzzled for a second, “maybe serving fish,” she says and this time it’s my turn to feel surprised. i saw how it’s done, and i don’t really know what she means.

“i thought it’s talking to people or something,” i say.

“nah,” she waves her hand, “it’s just my job, you know.”

i regret entering this territory but i still ask, “would you better like to do something else? some other job?”

“nah,” she says again, smiling, “i like it.”

and i like it too. horrifyingly, i like it too much. thinking about sitting at home and drawing stuff like i used to do all my life feels like a torture. it surely is one when i pick up my tablet and pencil and stare at the white canvas not knowing who i am anymore. there is nothing in my head i want to say. there is nothing my hands can do. i have no idea why. i want to go back behind the bar and ask R. what her favourite colour is.

“i’m proud of you,” A. says one night while we’re going back home from the restaurant where he got his two beers and one glass of whiskey i poured for him myself. he spent two hours sitting at the bar not far from these three teenage boys who have been drinking an enormous amount of beer and playing cards and then trying to guess where i come from according to my accent. “i’m proud that you’re doing good and you found something that you like so much.”

i buy two black shirts and jeans. i take my old black coat out of the wardrobe. i walk for two minutes from home to the bar and back looking fancier than ever. i feel happier than ever. i don’t look at my social media. i feel like this rotten sadness and loneliness that occupied my head for so long has nothing to do with my life now. i wonder if it’s just a phase. i consider finding a new therapist just to ask them if it’s okay to feel this good or i should be medicated before it’s too late. i want to go to bed at proper hour, wake up earlier, spend the day feeling good and then go to the bar and ask R. stupid questions and be stressed about the things i can control. i look at my workplace at home, at the white canvas that reflects nothingness in my head, at everything i have ever known, and i don’t know what to do.

i go back to work.

“you like it here?” M. asks almost every time. “is everything okay?”

“everything’s okay,” i say, smiling. and i mean it.

someone’s ordering an espresso at 11 pm. R. says, “tell them the coffee machine is already off,” turning it off while saying it. i laugh. i feel happy. i go home knowing there’s gonna be more work to be done tomorrow. i miss drawing stuff. i have nothing to say. i fall asleep thinking of the ten glasses i broke. in the morning, i can’t draw. i used to draw most of my stuff at the evenings and during the nights. now they are full of beer glasses and beer crates and adhd people who want an espresso before bed.

i ask myself if that really is how growing up feels like. i ask myself what i am going to do if i will not be able to draw a single piece of art ever again. i read the email of the person who wants me to draw an artwork for them. i wonder if they should know i’m an imposter who can’t draw anymore. i tell myself to shut up and stop being dramatic.

i go to work.

there’s a wedding at the restaurant. i once again bring what feels like an endless amount of bottle crates from the back room to the bar. i smile. i talk to people. i wipe the tables. i polish the glasses. i pour beer into them.

“my back hurts,” R. says.

“willkommen to the club,” i tell her, although for some reason my back doesn’t really hurt.

someone orders a beer and then changes their mind after the bottle was already opened.

“it’s yours if you want it,” R. says. “your shift is over anyway.”

and i stay. i sit at the bar as if i don’t really work there. i drink my beer, i talk to R. while she puts the new napkins on tables, makes sure everyone from the wedding paid what they had to and lets me ask her my questions. i pay for another beer, taking money from my fresh salary. R. rolls her eyes at that but allows me to pay anyway. she’s not a boss anymore. just… a friend. i tell her i don’t wanna go home.

“i can see that,” she laughs. “do you have friends here in town?” she asks.

i look at the bottom of my glass.

“no,” i say. there’s a lady on our street i sometimes walk our dogs together with. she’s as old as my mother. i always forget the names of her three kids although they’re all around my age. i wonder if i should mention her. “i have friends in other places. you know. not here.”

“i can be your friend here,” she says, smiling.

i feel like it’s the happiest day of my life. i’m also a little drunk on schwarzbier. even if my back would hurt i wouldn’t have noticed.

“if you need someone as me as a friend,” i say, “then. yeah. sure. uh. why not.”

we talk some more. the beer tests my language skills. i tell her i want a new tattoo. she says she got the first one when she was sixteen and it was a horrible butterfly.

“what is your favourite colour?” i finally ask.

she looks really baffled at that, then pulls out her phone. “i guess it’s red,” she says, showing me some of photos from her instagram where she’s younger than me now and is dressed up in red. “see, it looks good on me,” and she’s right. “but white is also good. and pink. and maybe purple. not black though. with my black hair, it doesn’t look good at all.”

we’re both dressed in black for work.

i come to the conclusion that colours are the least important thing in the world to her. that’s okay. i think about all the years i spent trying to make colours work. i wanna say something, but end up saying nothing.

she turns the lights off and locks the restaurant up. we spend a couple minutes walking in the same direction to our houses. i tell her about the name my friends from other places are calling me. i don’t tell her why it’s different from the one she saw on my id card. i’m not that drunk. she says she’s gonna use it from now on. she kisses my cheek before we part. i was at school the last time someone did that.

i go home. i sit at my workplace. i answer to the email of the person that wants me to draw an artwork for them from a new phone i spent enormous amount of money on. for a second i wonder if i should still tell them i’m an imposter and my career will be over by the morning when i wake up sober.

i think about the ten glasses i broke, then let myself forget about them. i tell myself to shut up and stop being dramatic.

i draw.

29/02/2024

#martyfive text #text post #text #diary

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