#we’ve been saying this for yearss

[twistmygrinder]

blue exorcist is getting a season 3 but noragami still hasn’t gotten another season despite it being about to end??

[talkfastromance4]

Cross Her (C.H) Part I

Yeah, so. I haven’t posted anything in a HOT minute. But this little Calum-and-Grace-world I’ve created is very near and dear to my heart. I’m not sure how many parts this will be, they’re kind of lengthy but I hope you like it.

Please let me know what you think so I can post more.

Summary: With a new album and tour soon to be on the rise, 5SOS’s management has decided to put Calum into a public relationship. 

Warnings: none except cute fluff from Calum

Words: 5.5k

Masterlist

With the promise of a new album on the horizon, and with Luke and Sierra now engaged the band’s management and PR have come up with an idea for Calum to get a girlfriend. The four young men are sitting in a conference room listening intently to their management’s pitch.

In theory, it sounds great. The first single to be released is a love song and with three of the four members being married, engaged and happily committed, it will be seen as kind of tired. But if the song is tied to Calum and his new ‘love’ the sales will increase tenfold and will skyrocket on the charts.

Calum nods along but at the same time he doesn’t like the matters of his heart to be discussed like a business deal. His three best friends keep looking at him during the whole meeting, waiting for him to throw a tirade or silently walk out in a brooding cloud. Calum walks the line on both discreet and outlandish very easily, so who knew what he was going to do?

“We’ve got some ideas thrown around for who you should be paired up with—“

Calum snorts. ‘Paired up with’ sounds like he’s back in school being assigned a lab partner. In this case, there’s really no difference is there?

“Who’d you have in mind?” Ashton asks twiddling his thumbs together on the table.

“Taylor Swift, she’s been in the business for a long time. She knows the ropes, she can handle press and the fans really well—“

“No, she is great, musically and otherwise,” Calum says shaking his head, “but no. Not her.”

“All right,” Francesca huffs then looks at the next name on her list. “Then there’s Selena Gomez, she’s been out of the limelight since that whole Justin Bieber fiasco. She’s also been in the—“

“Why does it have to be someone so famous?” Michael asks, his glass green eyes darting from Calum to their team.

“It will draw the crowd and other people’s attention,” Dewey states.

“Who else?” Calum murmurs in defeat. He rests his chin in his palm, his voice muffled by his fingers in front of his lips.

“Uh, Sofia Carson, Camila Cabello. . . there’s also a young woman who has become famous over Instagram recently. She’s a uh. . .” Francesca peers at her tablet, “she’s an aspiring poet but her fanbase is huge. Almost 7 million followers, she posts a lot of content on all platforms.”

“What’s her name?” Calum asks suddenly intrigued.

“Grace Fallows, she’s 24, cute little thing,” Francesca nods.

On the outside Calum stays stoic, but on the inside he’s beaming. He already follows her on his own Instagram. He loves the poems she creates, they’re clever and beyond impactful with just a few choice words.

“Can we see if she’ll do it?” he asks. “She seems more up our style than the others, more genuine.”

“I’ll get in contact with her and see what happens,” Francesca nods.

Calum glances at his friends who grin encouragingly back.

»»»

The first time Calum and Grace meet is three weeks later in the same conference room where the discussion was first established. Francesca and Dewey had her flown in from Southern Wisconsin a few days ago with the promise of landing her a manager, a publisher and an editor all in one meeting. The three subjects were sitting alongside Francesca and Dewey while Calum and Grace were across from each other at the other end.

He smiles at her immediately when he walks in, which she returns happily but nervously. He’s never seen what she looks like because her Instagram page is all of her poems, she never posts a selfie. 

But he knew he wouldn’t be disappointed. She has dark brown hair that waves around her round face, and has the biggest, dark blue eyes he’s ever seen. He notices her playing with the rings on her fingers, a habit he and the guys have been known to do when they’re feeling anxious.

“We’re so glad you could join us on such short notice Miss Fallows,” Francesca smiles warmly.

“Thank you for arranging everything,” Grace nods. Her voice is quiet and full of kindness, it piques Calum’s interest even more. He notices her eyes dart about the room and at the other five faces down the table, she inhales a shaky breath.

“Joining us today are Cordelia Fox, Gwen Gilbert and Alonso Lopez,” Francesca introduces.

“Nice to meet you,” Grace says politely.

“And I’m sure you know Calum Hood,” Dewey laughs heartily pointing to Calum.

Grace’s dark ocean eyes slide down to Calum who gives her a slight wave, she smiles impishly. A little flush of pink colors her cheeks and she fiddles with her rings a bit more quickly.

The meeting lasts for almost two hours, Cordelia, Gwen and Alonso chat with Grace about their plans for her to get a book published within the next 9 months. Grace listens intently, her eyes wide and appearing glossy a few times because her dreams are just within reach of coming true.

“So, what are your thoughts, Miss Fallows?” Cordelia smiles kindly.

“I mean . . . this is amazing. I’ve been wanting to be published since I started my Instagram page,” Grace begins. “I would love to work with all of you, but I’m just slightly confused with why C-Calum is here.”

She stutters over his name because she has been a fan of the band for yearss She’s amongst the other fans waiting aptly for the new album to drop. She wanted to come into this meeting being calm, cool and collected with a twinge of professionalism added in. But she’s never had a meeting with a probable manager or whole writing team before and to throw in a member of one of the biggest bands in the world?

Her stomach is doing cartwheels.

“Uh, that’s another matter we need to discuss,” Dewey says a bit uncomfortably in his chair.

Calum feels a bit smug at that, he was uncomfortable at the meeting about this three weeks ago. He doesn’t want to come off as smug because Grace is present. He doesn’t want her to think this was all his idea, a fake relationship and all the PR.

“With the band’s new album coming out, we thought to help up the ante would be if Calum had a girlfriend to help promote the single. It’s a love song. And with Michael already being married, Luke is newly engaged and Ashton’s relationship is stable, we thought a fresh, new relationship would reflect the song perfectly,” Francesca smiles.

“So . . . all of this—“Grace motions the table generally”—is just so I can be used as a fake girlfriend?”

Francesca and Dewey open and close their mouths like fish staring out of a fishbowl. Calum shakes his head, silently cursing his team. This was a fucking dumb idea and he hates the expression on Grace’s face, like she’s being used, like she’s just a small pawn in this big scheme.

“Grace,” Cordelia leans forward on the lacquered maple table, her blond hair falling in front of her face. “Whether you say yes or no to the fake relationship, Gwen, Alonso and I still want to be a part of your team. We aren’t the strings attached to this deal, you are the puppeteer. You call the shots, and I’m sure Mr. Hood agrees.” Cordelia’s powder blue eyes meet Calum’s.

He nods immediately looking to Grace. “Absolutely. I follow you on Instagram and love your poems. There’s absolutely no pressure for you to do this.”

Grace chews on her lower lip then sits up a bit straighter in her chair.

“Can I have a day or two to think about it? The relationship part.”

“Of course,” Cordelia smiles. “Right, Francesca?”

“Uh, y-yes, of course,” Francesca smiles tightly “The first single release isn’t for another three weeks, but if we could know by Friday that’d be wonderful. I’ll send over all of our contact information, including Cordelia—“

“Actually I’d like to talk to Cordelia on my own,” Grace states.

Calum grins. He likes her spunk and hopes she’ll agree to the deal. Even if it’s not real, he has a feeling she’d make it fun.

»»»

“So, how’d it go?” Ashton asks Calum while they’re out for iced coffee after a cardio workout.

“All right. Cordelia really liked her. I did, too,” Calum smiles. “She made Francesca and Dewey sweat in their seats though, she called them right out on the bullshit of it all.”

“Wish I could’ve seen that,” Ashton laughs. “So, did she agree to it?”

“She agreed to the book deal but wants a few days to think the fake relationship bit over,” Calum shrugs swirling his ice in his cup. “Which I respect. I don’t want her thinking it was my idea.”

“You crushin’ on her already, bro?” Ashton giggles taking his straw in his mouth.

“No, it’s just a big fuckin’ deal to be put in a relationship with someone for PR,” Calum’s voice comes out a little clipped.

“Right. Sorry,” Ashton apologizes quickly. “I’m sorry they’re forcing you into this as well.”

Calum shrugs. “Comes with the job I s’pose.”

“Do you think she’ll agree?”

“I—“ Calum’s cut off with his phone buzzing in his hand. He smiles when he sees the name on his phone. “That’s her now, she wants to meet for coffee tomorrow.”

“That’s a good sign,” Ashton raises his eyebrows.

»»»

Calum was actually really nervous to meet with Grace for coffee because the meeting could go either way. She’ll either yell at him for agreeing to this or she’ll tell him she’ll do it and they’ll set up their own boundaries outside of his team.

He taps his fingers waiting for her at a table in the back of the store, some fans came and said hello but otherwise he was left alone. He hoped no one would come up to him when Grace is with him, he didn’t want to freak her out too much.

The bells above the door jingle and he sees her small frame enter, the gust from the door causes her brown hair to fly in her face. She tucks the stray strands behind her ear as her eyes scour the place for the tall Maori-Australian man.

Calum stands from his chair waving to her and she catches sight of him easily; it’s a small shop and he’s a tall guy. She smiles then weaves her way through the tables and other patrons to him but accidentally bumps into one of the baristas.

He’s a young teen with a face full of acne and a lanky build. He apologizes profusely, his cheeks turning even redder when he sees he bumped into a pretty girl.

Grace smiles kindly and touches his shoulder in comfort. “You’re totally fine! Don’t worry about it.” She flashes him one more smile before continuing her way to Calum who is as much enamored by her as the teenage boy.

“Sorry I’m late,” she says briskly. “I totally forgot I could order an Uber instead of catching a bus which terrified me.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Calum smiles easily. “What can I get you to drink?”

“Um a vanilla cappuccino please,” she smiles.

“Be right back,” he touches her shoulder gently then heads to the counter.

Calum watches her from his vantage point. Her brown hair is pulled back halfway behind her head and she’s got on a white t-shirt with dark denim overalls. She has white converse on her feet and he really likes that considering he’s wearing his black pair.

Grace crosses her legs then begins to play with her rings while waiting for him to return. It makes him feel a little better she’s as nervous as he is. This actually feels like a first date but it’s so far from it it’s ridiculous. He sort of wishes it was a first date.

The same teenage boy hands Calum their drink order and Calum gives him a ten dollar tip hoping that will ease his embarrassment.

“One vanilla cappuccino,” Calum says sliding the mug in front of Grace then he sits across from her.

“Mmm, thank you,” she grins giddily holding the mug in both of her hands. “So, this whole relationship thing wasn’t your idea, right?”

Calum pauses his motions of bringing his own mug to his lips. “Wow, right to it, huh?” he half jokes setting his mug down but she doesn’t laugh. He clears his throat and shakes his head. “No, it was not. I’d never ask someone to fake date me, but apparently that’s what our team thinks is best for this album.”

She eyes him for a moment, Calum’s heart is beating hard in his chest. She stares at him as if analyzing him then lets out a breath.

“Okay, you’re telling the truth.”

Calum chuckles. “You got a super power of spotting lies?”

“Sort of,” she purses her lips and Calum is hypnotized at the pinkness of them for the moment. “My intuition is super strong, I can read people really well.”

“That’s good to know. What’d you pick up on about Francesca and Dewey?”

She purses her lips again forcing Calum not to stare at them again, she taps her chin for good measure and dramatics.

“They’re very analytical, they do want you guys to succeed but they think you do that with more of the public eye on you rather than your music. Their intent means well,” she shrugs taking a tentative sip of her drink.

“This might be a weird question,” Calum leans forward on the table lowering his head a little. He notices her eyebrows twitch in the cutest way. “Do you like our music?”

She visibly relaxes then giggles. “Oh thank God, I had no idea where you were going with that. But yeah, I do like your music. I got into you guys a little bit during the One Direction era but then I really got hooked when Youngblood came out.”

“You mean you weren’t around for our awkward Twitcams and YouTube lives?” he’s silently praying that she says no, those videos are so cringey now. They were ridiculous teenagers who thought they were badasses and clearly weren’t.

“Oh no, I definitely saw those,” she giggles again. “You were pretty raunchy back then.”

She’s teasing with him and it makes him smile and blush slightly. He groans at the memories of those videos, he’d always smack the guys’ asses for no reason and try to get naked on camera. Again for no reason.

“That’s embarrassing,” he shakes his head then looks up at her through his lashes.

“It was funny. My little nineteen year old heart swooned,” she presses her hand to her heart.

“I guess that counts for something. So, what are your thoughts on all this?” he asks. “Francesca and Dewey won’t have a say on how exactly we do this, we can set our own boundaries. I don’t want you to feel pressured at all and, if you do decide to do it, we’ll get to help you promote your book.”

“It’s a little crazy,” she laughs. “Twenty-four hours ago I was back home bingeing Pretty Little Liars and now I’m here with a book in the making and a fake rock star boyfriend.”

“Yeah, things move fast in LA—wait, are you saying you’ll do it?” he’s astounded.

“I was actually on the fence but when you said we could set our own boundaries . . . that made up my mind. I feel like I’ll be here for a while talking with Cordelia and I need friends so . . .”

“Wow, that’s amazing. You’re amazing. Thank you,” he says sincerely. “I promise you, I’ll be the best fake boyfriend ever.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” she giggles.

»»»

After the meeting with the team and the guys about Grace agreeing to the fake relationship, a contract is set for the relationship to last until her book is released. Calum wants to help her out as well even if it is in this weird, twisted way. Nine months of fake dating, hopefully he won’t actually catch feelings.

Grace was a little nervous meeting the rest of the band, especially Luke because he’s so tall and towered over her.

“You make me feel like an ant,” she giggles and the guys laughed. Calum really enjoyed when she giggled, it caused her nose to scrunch up and her cheeks got really round.

“Would you want to catch dinner with us tonight?” Ashton asks. “We can all get to know each other better

“Yeah, that sounds great,” she smiles. “Text me the address—“

“No, no. I’ll pick you up,” Calum shakes his head. “I won’t have you spending money on an Uber all the time.”

“Okay,” she blushes.

  »»»

Calum knocks on her hotel room door at promptly 6:45 p.m, the exact time he said he’d be there. When Grace opens the door he’s welcomed with her perfume, lilies and ocean water. She’s wearing a pretty black dress with a silver belt and her hair is straightened.

“Hi! Wow, you’re right on time. Um, I just need to get my purse.” She disappears and Calum catches the door before it slams in his face.

He peers in her room, it already smells like her and he notices a big gray fuzzy blanket on the hotel bed. Clearly it makes her think of home, he notices the curtains are shut and her suitcase is zipped shut on the opposite bed.

“Okay, ready,” she beams in front of him.

  »»»

The first five minutes of the car ride are silent but it’s comfortable. Calum doesn’t know what to say first, his mouth goes dry every time he tries but when he looks over at her he sees her bare legs.

“Does everyone in LA eat dinner this late?” she asks.

“Uh . . . this is late?”

“I had to order myself an appetizer at 5 in my room cause I was so hungry,” she snickers, “but I’m always hungry anyway.”

Calum frowns. Not only is she far from home in a hotel by herself, but her habits and lifestyle have completely changed. And she’ll be here for nine months being viewed as his ‘new girlfriend’ while also having a deadline for her first book.

“I’m sorry, we should’ve asked when you normally—“

“Oh, no! It’s fine! I was just curious, it’ll probably help me in the long run anyway, and it’ll help me lose a few pounds,” she shrugs nonchalantly and stares out the window.

Calum gives her an exasperated look which makes her laugh.

“What?”

“You don’t need to lose a few pounds, you look fantastic, Grace,” he tells her and turns smoothly into a large parking lot.

When he looks at her he’s pleased to see she’s blushing and he’s not lying. She’s petite but her curves are out of this world, and her legs. Her legs! He never knew he had a thing for calves but hers seem muscular and he wonders if she danced when she was younger.

“Well, thank you,” she says quietly and he notices her playing with her fingers.

Calum pulls into a parking spot near the front and thankfully there aren’t any photographers or fans waiting outside. He doesn’t want her to get freaked out by the chaos of his life with flashes and screams from fans quite yet. He wants to make sure she’s comfortable with him so she can trust that he’ll keep her safe.

“Ooh, is this Italian?” she asks peering up at the sign out of her window.

“Yep, best Italian restaurant in LA.”

“I love Italian.”

She snatches her purse and practically leaps from the car and Calum hurries to her side so he can walk alongside her. He locks the car then shoves his hands in his pockets. The doorman opens the door for them and Grace thanks him kindly with her warm smile and Calum lets her walk ahead of him.

Once inside she tucks against his side while he weaves to the back of the restaurant where he knows their table is. The guys asked if their significant others could join them but Calum thought that would be a bit overwhelming for her in one night. They all exchanged a knowing look but Calum had no idea what it meant.

“The guest of honor has arrived!” Ashton shouts raising his beer glass, his eyes are already a little glazed over and Grace giggles.

She hugs them all quickly before sitting at the head of the table where Ashton told her to sit. Calum sat next to her silently wishing he was a bit closer.

When the waiter came by to ask for her and Calum’s drink order, she denied the house wine and ordered a mint mojito instead. Calum ordered a beer and asked for a rush order on the breadsticks throwing a wink at Grace as he did.

“Thank you,” she murmurs quietly then takes a sip of her water.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a girl deny wine,” Luke says incredulously.

Calum shoots him a glare and smacks his best friend in the chest.

“OW! What was that for?”

“Don’t be rude,” Calum shakes his head disapprovingly.

Grace laughs into her water at the altercation. “Don’t worry about it, I don’t really like wine. Whenever I drink it I get a headache and I forget what I’m trying to say. I’m more of a rum girl.”

“Ah, there we go!” Ashton hollers. “Rum’s a good choice.”

“What’s your signature drink?” Calum asks.

“Malibu and pineapple juice,” she smiles with her tongue between her teeth.

Calum has the desirable need to kiss her smile but he refrains. None of this is real as them being in a relationship, he has to get that in his head.

Throughout the dinner they ask her questions about her home and how she got into writing but that was a fleeting topic. Calum made a mental note to ask about that later when it’s just them, he loves talking creativity. Grace gushes about the food and asks them all questions about themselves.

Soon their table is filled with laughter and more drinks as funny stories come about. Many of them are about Calum because his best friends want to embarrass him in front of his ‘girlfriend.’ She enjoys herself, she truly does.

She really feels like she belongs and that they’re all slowly moving towards friendship. Throughout the evening, Grace notices Calum looking at her a lot, it makes her face feel warm. She’s not sure if it’s from the alcohol or his deep brown eyes gazing at her.

The guys order another bottle of wine, Calum is all about having another glass when he notices Grace has gone quiet and she’s playing with her fingers again. He knows the sign of anxiety and she’s doing it right now, whether it’s from the amount of alcohol or just the night in general, he’s not sure.

“You guys enjoy that last bottle, I’ve had enough,” Calum says throwing his napkin on the table and he looks at Grace. “How about you, Grace? Ready to go?” he figures he’d give her an out and if she refuses then he’ll stay.

“Yeah, I’m ready if you are,” she sighs and the twiddling stops.

“Oh sure, leave us with the bill!” Michael hollers and Luke barks out a laugh.

“Oh, get off. I caught the bill at Poison,” Calum shakes his head standing up. He pulls out his wallet anyway and tosses a few twenties on the table. “That should cover me and Grace.”

“Oh, I can put in some—“Grace says reaching for her purse but Calum’s large hands stop her.

“My treat,” he grins rubbing his thumb over her knuckle gently.

“At least let me pay for my drinks—“she shakes her head trying to unzip her purse under his long fingers.

“Man, you’re sweet,” Ashton smiles then glances to Calum. “but it isn’t necessary, don’t worry sweetheart. We’ve got it covered.”

Grace slumps in her seat but finally gave up. “Okay,” she sighs. Calum removes his fingers and helps her out of her chair. “Thank you guys, so much. I really appreciate it.”

“Our pleasure,” Michael smiles. “You kids get home safe now.”

She waves goodbye and Calum nods at them ignoring their eyebrow waggles and winks and follows Grace to the front of the restaurant. The tables are still packed with people and Grace gasps stopping in her tracks causing Calum to nearly knock her over.

“What is it?” he asks in alarm.

“That’s Leonardo Di Caprio!” she whispers excitedly.

Calum looks in the direction she’s subtly pointing in and sure enough, he’s there with a glass of wine and a table full of models and other friends.

“Want to go say hi?” Calum asks enjoying the size of her star struck eyes.

“What?” she squeaks, “are you crazy? I would literally die! Let’s go.”She grabs his wrist pulling him out of the restaurant. 

He’s laughing at her as she has her actual freak out in the parking lot. He notices her fingers are still latched around his wrist, he likes the feeling.

“I’m guessing he’s a crush?” he asks once they’re in his car again. It’s nearing midnight and he really doesn’t want to say goodbye yet, even if the drive is fifteen minutes to her hotel.

“Ugh, yes,” she rubs her temples. “He’s so much older than me but I’d marry him in a heartbeat.”

Calum chortles as he peels out of the parking spot and gets onto the main road to go on the highway.

“I’m sorry, that’s really weird to say,” she shakes her head staring at him.

“No it’s not. This is all new to you, I kind of like seeing you experience it all. It’s adorable,” he admits. He inhales through his nose, was that the wrong thing to say?

“You think I’m adorable?”

“Yeah,” he chuckles looking her way to see she’s pointing to herself, “is that a bad thing?”

“No, it’s just . . . have you seen you? You’re the most adorable thing on the planet.”

“I think that’s the mojito in you talking.”

“No, it’s the me in me talking.”

Calum laughs at her verbiage.

“Okay, that made you ten times more adorable now.”

“Your smile makes you fifteen times more adorable,” she insists and it causes him to smile once more. “So you’re in the lead by five, you win. That’s math.”

“Your brain earns you another fifteen.”

“My brain?!” she shrieks in laughter.

“And your laugh, so that’s another ten and your giggle is pretty damn cute so that’s another . . . fifty, I’d say. So no you’re 65 points ahead, you win.”

She huffs in her seat.

“That earned you another five, make it 70 points,” Calum adds smugly.

“You can’t just keep adding! A person can’t be that adorable.”

“You are,” he grins.

“Okay, so I’m at 70 and you’re only at . . .” she thinks back on the numbers they’ve been throwing about “twenty-five?! That’s not fair. Can I give you some of my points?”

“Nope, you keep the points I give you, those are the rules, sorry.”

“Okay then bucko,” she folds her arms angling her body to him in her seat, “you get another twenty because of your laugh, and you get fifteen more for the cute faces you make.”

“What cute faces?”

“There! That’s one of them! You’re doing one right now, ha! So now you’re at 60 and I’m at 70.”

“Can’t even give me an extra ten so we’re tied? Wow, Grace, I thought you were nicer than that,” he shakes his head in mock sadness.

“Okay fine, you get a solid ten for your hair. It’s very Disney-Prince-like.”

“What does that mean?” he laughs making another face.

“It’s so curly and perfectly styled, like a Disney Prince.”

At the stoplight he gives her a sidelong glance. “That earned you another five points.”

“Are you kidding me?!” she throws her hands up in defeat.

“You’re more adorable than me, Grace, just accept the facts. That’s math remember?” he’s leaning across the console giving her a smug look.

“Using my own words against me,” she grumbles and pushes on his forehead lightly so he’s looking at the lights.

He knows it’s an innocent gesture, but his skin is on fire from her touch and it was only on his goddamned forehead.

“Okay Mr. Math Wiz, let’s test your skills.”

“How?”

“Have you ever played War?”

  »»»

They’re sitting in the middle of her bed with a deck of cards playing War. High card wins and you keep going until one person has all of the cards. Grace changed into leggings and a large long sleeved shirt as soon as they were in her room, Calum was comfortable enough in his black slacks and black t-shirt.

“Y’know, this isn’t really a math skills game,” he says as they flip their cards. He’s got a 9 and she has 10 so she takes the cards.

“It is a skills game,” she retorts.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“How do you come up with your poems?”

“Um, different things give me inspiration. Usually it’s a word or phrase and it just sparks something in me. Sometimes a song will give me a feeling and I’ll go off on that. I love when word vomit happens, it just keeps coming out, it’s not always good but it’s better than writer’s block,” she explains.

“What do you do when you have writer’s block?”

“Listen to music, read other poetry and go crazy,” she laughs. She snatches two more cards. “I hate writer’s block, especially when I really want to write something good but nothing is flowing. It’s the worst.”

“Do you write them all on your phone?” Calum takes the two cards this time.

“Sometimes,” she nods biting her lip. “but I prefer writing them in a notebook. If you saw my process you’d laugh, it’s so crazy. There’s so many scribbles and circled words, question marks, you name it. It doesn’t look like it makes sense but it makes sense to me.”

“That’s not crazy, that’s your writing process. Mine is pretty similar actually.”

“Really? How so?”

“I like writing songs down in a notebook, too. Makes them more real, I think. I like to know I can physically change it instead of deleting it, cause then I can go back to the first idea if I wanted to,” he explains taking another set.

“That’s how I think, too,” she smiles then abruptly shouts, “I DECLARE WAR!”

“What the hell does that even mean?” he asks with his eyebrows raised.

“We both have the same card, so we draw until one of us has the higher card. Go, go, go!”

Their three cards deep until she has an ace and he has a 5. She laughs a ‘mwahahaha’ as she takes the cards. Calum can’t even be mad.

“That laugh earned you another ten,” he comments putting his card down.

“You’re ridiculous,” she shakes her head.

They stay up playing War until 2:30 in the morning when Grace finally wins it all. She yawns as she pulls together all the cards.

“I should get going so you can get some sleep,” he says rolling off the bed.

“You can’t drive in your condition.”

“My condition?”

“You’re sleepy! That’s just as dangerous as drunk driving, Calum,” she says sternly.

“I promise, I’m fine. I live five minutes away, Grace.”

She stares at him for a beat then gives in, her eyes are heavy. “Fine, but text me when you’re home safe?”

“I promise. Did you have fun tonight?” he asks by the door.

“I did have a lot of fun, thanks for it all.”

“You’re welcome.”

“When um, when exactly does this whole thing . . . start, exactly?” she motions between them.

“Uhh, I think Francesca said on Monday they want us to be seen out in public together. We’ll be releasing the new single in two weeks, so.”

“Right, right,” she nods looking at her toes in the carpet.

“Hey,” Calum says softly so she’ll look up at him. “it’ll be okay, yeah? We’ll come up with our own rules, remember?” he smiles tiredly.

“Yeah, okay,” she sighs bouncing one foot on the floor. “It’s just so weird, you know?”

“I know, but we’ll make it work. We’ll make it be like how tonight was, easy and fun.”

“Easy and fun,” she mutters, “I can handle that.”

“Good. I’m gonna go cause you’re about to fall asleep standing up,” he chuckles. “Sleep well, Grace.”

“I will when you text me you’re home.”

They bid goodbye and he walks down the hallway to the elevator. In the time it takes for Grace to brush her teeth, wipe off her make-up and change into her pajamas, Calum is already home and has texted her.

She shuts the lights off and snuggles into her bed smiling at her phone.

 Grace: ‘I’m glad you got home safe (:’

Calum:‘thanks for being concerned. Another ten points ;)’

Grace: ‘calum. I’m almost at 100 points! That’s insane’

Calum: ‘that’s accurate. Now go to sleep and dream sweet dreams.’

Grace:‘I’ll try. You have good dreams, too’

Calum: ‘doubtful, I don’t remember any of my dreams’

Grace: ‘really? That’s sad. I once had a dream I was best friends with Ariana Grande and we were just walking around saying hi to fans. It was so cool’

Calum: ‘Grace.’

Grace: ‘yes?’

Calum: ‘go to sleep lol’

Grace: ‘okay fine’

Calum: ‘goodnight, grace (:’

Grace: ‘goodnight calum, goodnight moon . . .’

[promisedangel]

PredatorShift- Chapter 15

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Chapter 15- Trades and Webs

There was deafening silence between Frisk, Asriel, and Serol for a few moments. Fear bloomed in Frisk and Asriel’s faces. Serol had been docile thus far, but now that blood was in his sight, the two didn’t know how he would react. Frisk wanted to squirm, to attempt to worm away from Serol’s grasp, but they knew at the back of their mind it would be of little use. Serol was a quick and agile monster, after all. After a few moments, Asriel quickly cried out, “Mr… Mr. Serol!” Serol shook his head for a moment, his eyes no longer focused on the blood. He turned his head towards Asriel and spoke, “You knew that Frissk wass human-“ Asriel interrupted, “Please don’t hurt them! They just wanna go home!” Asriel sniffled, “They just… wanna go home…” Serol let Frisk go in his surprise. Frisk only took a few steps from Serol. They gave a dejected frown. They knew they were at his mercy. Serol turned towards Asriel, “Asssriel… you know I have to report thisss. If I have any hope of Dr. Gassster approving my desssign I have to turn Frissk over to him.” Tears peaked from Asriel’s eyes, “No, please… you can’t…” His eyes lit up with tears still dripping, “W-wait!” He frantically dug into his coat pockets and fished out his substitute container. He held it up towards Serol. It shook in his hands as he did and a slight rattle sounded from the container. Serol could not help but eye the container deeply. Through a slight sniffle, Asriel spoke defiantly, “I-I’ll give you all of my substitute if you don’t tell anyone about Frisk! Not Mr. Gaster. Not King Sans. Not anyone!”

Serol, Frisk, and Asriel stood in silence once more. Both Frisk and Serol were shocked at Asriel’s gambit. The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife. Serol reached for the container but hesitated. Small bits of saliva dripped from his mouth. He shook his head for a moment and turned his gaze towards Frisk. Frisk looked away and shook slightly. Serol’s expression became gentler for a moment. Frisk could see his sympathy for them out of the corner of their vision. Serol’s head curved down and he gave a heavy sigh, “You asssk me to give up a lot for thiss. Frissk iss the firsst human we’ve heard of for a long time.” Asriel frowned, “But… they’re just a kid…” Serol tensed at Asriel’s statement. He spat back harshly, “I KNOW!” Both Asriel and Frisk took a step back from the seething monster as he took a few moments to calm down. Asriel frowned and looked down with a dejected grimace, “You promised that if we tested the puzzle… you would take us to the elevator.” Serol stared into space with a shocked expression. His body was tense before he raised his head above his shoulders. He gave a defeated sigh, “I did…” Serol spoke, dejected, “I made a deal… I’ll get in trouble either way. But…” Serol’s words trailed off. Frustration seeped into his gaze. He curled slightly and began to hug himself. Even Frisk could not help but give a sympathetic gaze. Serol soon relaxed. He spoke evenly, “I… ssuppossse there will be other humansss… asss long asss they do not get eaten by feral monssstersss.” Serol turned towards the exit to his puzzle, “Perhapss it isss time I sstop ssequesstering mysself and help find humanss when they fall.” Serol turned his head back towards the children, “I will not lie. Thiss… iss difficult for me…But I will hold true to my promissse. I will take you two to the nearesst elevator.” Serol turned his head back. Asriel approached Serol carefully. He stepped to Serol’s side and saw a tear shed from the serpentine monster’s never-blinking eyes. Asriel held up his container of substitute up to Serol. Asriel gulped, “I… I know this isn’t a human… But… maybe this will make it a little better?” Serol’s eyes locked onto the container. He gently gripped it and lifted it from Asriel’s hands. He examined it for a few moments before he opened it. The aroma hit him immediately; he instinctually cracked a smile. He found the container was nearly full. Satisfied, he closed the container and gave a half-smile to Asriel, “Only a little, but… I still appreciate thisss. I hope you know what you are doing, Asssriel.” Asriel gave a serious expression and nodded, “It’s okay.” His expression became more nervous, “I’m… not good about taking my medicine anyway.” Serol gave a puzzled expression before he shook it off; he decided not to ask.

He turned towards Frisk. He spoke gently, “Frissk, we should tend to that wound before you go. It may be ssmall, but it is sstill blood.” Frisk approached with caution. Serol and Asriel stepped off the puzzle. Serol placed the substitute container among his blueprints and notes, pinning some of them down. He then motioned towards a medium-sized rock, “Ssit here and hold that leg sstill.” Frisk slowly made their way to the rock Serol pointed out and sat carefully. They lifted the wounded leg. Serol grasped it carefully. Frisk tensed for a moment but relaxed soon after. Serol lifted the leg to a level position and rested the heel on his knee. He took a claw and began to cut Frisk’s pants above the rip and the blood stain. After he cut, he quickly chucked the bloodstained cloth off the side of the path towards the magma below. Serol paused for a moment before he spoke, “I am going to cut the pantss of your other leg to match, but you will need to throw away that ssock below the cut asss well.” Frisk nodded silently before they switched their leg on Serol’s knee. Serol lifted the pants up to avoid another cut into Frisk’s legs. It took some effort, but Serol made a new cut into Frisk’s pants and began to mirror the cut on Frisk’s other pants leg. Serol then fashioned the new scrap cloth into a bandage and tightly wrapped it around Frisk’s wound. He lowered Frisk’s now bandaged leg carefully and stepped away. He quickly grabbed his new container of substitute and ate two pills in a few bites. Frisk, meanwhile, took off their shoe and sock before they threw the sock behind them and into the magma below. They put their shoe back on, thankful blood had not hit it. Asriel helped Frisk up, “Ready to go?” Frisk nodded, their tone weary, “Yeah.” Serol nodded, “Then follow me. The elevator iss thiss way.”

Frisk and Asriel followed behind Serol in silence. The three of them said nothing to each other as Serol led them through the winding paths of Hotland. Once the elevator was in sight, Asriel’s eyes lit up, “The elevator!” Asriel turned to Frisk, “You’ll be home soon for sure!” Frisk could only marvel at the height of the elevator. It appeared to go up into the darkness above, unable to see the top with only the light of the magma. The three approach the elevator. Asriel rushes ahead and presses the call button for the elevator. Frisk hugged themselves and spoke quietly, “Serol?” Serol turned his head towards Frisk, confused, “Yess, Frissk?” Frisk hesitated before they spoke, “About Papyrus… he’s alive.” Serol stepped back. His perpetually opened eyes widened as far as they could. Serol spoke, “You… you cannot be ssseriousss!” Asriel turned towards the conversation with a brow raised. Frisk turned towards Serol and spoke up, “It is true! He’s in the ruins in the forest before Snowdin!” Serol gave a perplexed look, “He’ss… in the ruinss of Home?” Serol crossed his arms and mused aloud, “That can’t… but we haven’t heard anything from Home in many yearss…” Frisk continued calmly. A warm sense of nostalgia washed over them as they recounted, “I… I fell in the ruins… and it was his notes… and after I found him, his encouragement through his puzzles that helped me survive. He was kind… but he was lonely… and some things made him sad…” Frisk hugged themselves, the warm feeling faded from their chest, “He… he told me to leave… and be careful out here… and warned me about Sans…” Frisk was about to continue, but they saw tears drip from Serol’s eyes. They looked up at Serol and saw him attempt to wipe the tears away with his claws. He managed to fight the lump in his throat and hoarsely speak, “He’sss alive! He’sss alive and sstill making puzzzless!” Serol gulped down the lump in his throat and spoke clearly, “Thank you, Frissk! I’ll sseek him out! Perhapss he can share what happened that night! Maybe he would appreciate my dessignss!”

The elevator doors opened. Serol ignored it and began to muse under his breath, fully invested in his words, “I will have to prepare my dessignss, and perhapss bring a gift! Sso much to do!” Asriel gave a nervous laugh, “Golly… well… good luck with that… Mr. Serol.” Serol barely acknowledged the two children as they entered the elevator and the doors closed behind him. There was silence for a moment between the two. Asriel smiled, “That was nice of you to tell-“ Frisk threw themselves onto Asriel, pulling him into a deep hug. Asriel coughed, startled at the strength of the hug. He tried to pull away, “Wh-why are-“ Frisk spoke in a somber tone, “You saved my life back there.” Asriel became quiet before he gently reciprocated the hug. He spoke calmly, “I just… I didn’t think…” Frisk pulled away, “But… you don’t have your medicine now!” Asriel pulled away and smiled. His tone sounded a little weary, “Chara makes more all the time! I’ll be fine.” Frisk raised a brow but accepted this. They looked towards the buttons of the elevator. They crooked their head in confusion, “Which button do we press?” Asriel scratched his head, “Gosh… It’s been so long since I’ve used this elevator… I know it’s one of the top buttons… but I don’t remember which one…” “But, both go to the top floor, right? And that’s where we’re going, right?” Asriel nodded, “Yeah! So, I guess it really doesn’t matter which one!” Asriel pressed the left-top button. The elevator began to move steadily upwards. Asriel smiled, “So, Chara said we’d have to go through the Core. I think I remember hearing my dad say there was a door in the Core that led to the castle.” “But you don’t know where it is?” Asriel shook his head, “No.” Frisk paled slightly, “What if… Chara knows and they’re waiting there?” Asriel frowned and thought silently for a moment. He spoke in an unsure tone at first, which quickly turned confident, “Well… um… If that happens, we’ll just find some way to distract them!” The elevator stopped and slowly opened. Asriel and Frisk paused their conversation to exit and take a look at their new surroundings.

They stood on a sturdy and thick metal path. On and around the path was a sea of spider webs that continued into the darkness. Barely any light of the magma could be seen from below, both from the distance and from the sea of webs. Yet, there were carefully placed oil lamps along the path to ensure enough light. Spiders of varied sizes, though none bigger than a finger, crawled along the webs. Many spun more or worked to strengthen the ones that were already spun. Asriel became more nervous as the two stepped out onto this web-filled area. He raised a brow and spoke in confusion, “I… I don’t remember this place…” Frisk began to eye the spiders nervously. Frisk quietly admitted with a quiver in their voice, “I… I don’t like spiders…” The elevator doors closed without Frisk and Asriel inside. Once closed, the two turned with a small start. They could now see messages etched into the door of the elevator. Curious, the two examined them. The messages were one-word messages that read, “Swindler.” “Liar.” And “Fake.” Frisk began to shake, “We… should get out of here…” Asriel nodded and pushed the call button for the elevator, “We’ll just press the other button.” Frisk eyed their surroundings nervously. They noticed further along the path was a pile of wood, one that seemed to be a counter of sorts before it was utterly destroyed. Frisk turned back towards the elevator and voiced their concern, “Why aren’t the doors opening?” Asriel whined, “S- someone else must have called the elevator…” Out of the corners of their eyes, Frisk and Asriel noticed that the spiders had taken notice of the two of them. Some approached, while others stood still in observation. Frisk yelped and hid behind Asriel. Frisk pleaded as they shook and clung to Asriel’s coat, “M-make them go away!” Asriel hesitated; they wanted to comfort Frisk but knew the only way was to stop the spiders from closing in. He took a deep breath and turned forward. He raised his voice, “We just wanna leave! Go away! W-we won’t bother you, so go away!” Some of the encroaching spiders halted their advance, but others did not. The ones that paused soon followed suit as though nothing had transpired. Frisk hid their face in Asriel’s coat, “Th-they’re not stopping!” Asriel gulped, but stood his ground once more, “Just- just stop! Go away!” The spiders approached from all sides, even from behind. The spiders behind reached Frisk and began to crawl up their leg. Frisk yelped slightly and froze for a second. They could feel the spiders crawl up their unbandaged leg. They shook as they slowly looked down, tears peaked from their eyes. They saw the spiders, the furthest was halfway up their calf. Frisk screamed at the top of their lungs. They instinctually jumped into Asriel, knocking him over onto his chest. Meanwhile, Frisk tried desperately to kick off the spiders that had crawled up their leg. Tears streamed down their face, wide and full of terror. Frisk managed to kick all of the spiders off their leg and began to stomp on them. Their stomps rung into the metal platform. Asriel groaned and managed to get up on his knees. He blinked and noticed his fall had crushed many of the spiders that approached him. He noticed the spiders had halted their approach, many had scurried away from Frisk’s freighted stomps. Those that were too close were crushed under Frisk’s shoes.

After a few moments of fear-fueled stomps, Frisk slowly huffed. Their fear slowly drained from their face and their mind became clear once more. Asriel stood and approached Frisk cautiously, “Are you... okay?” Once Asriel was close, the two of them heard many hissing sounds around them. Frisk shook and immediately burrowed into Asriel’s chest and grabbed his hands for comfort. Asriel looked around and saw the spiders had surrounded them, many of them hissed at the two. Many of them begun to turn around and webs shot out at Asriel and Frisk. The webs attached to various points on Frisk and Asriel’s bodies. Frisk panicked and tried to rip the webs away, but for each one they ripped away, at least five took its place. Before long, Asriel and Frisk could barely move. They were slowly encased in a cocoon from the shoulders down. Asriel was still, yet Frisk still tried to break free. Their eyes wide, crazed, and fearful. Asriel spoke in a defeated tone, “It’s no use, Frisk…” Frisk expression drew away from their crazed expression into a subtler fear. Tears streamed from Frisk’s eyes. The spiders grouped together and shot webs into the side of the cocoon as one large rope of webs. The group of spiders then seemed to pull on the rope and pull Frisk and Asriel deeper into this dark area of Hotland. They were swung over gaps and pulled through webs, which added to the cocoon only a small amount. They were pulled onto higher platforms by other spiders up higher. All the while, Frisk silently shook and sobbed, yet Asriel appeared only nervous.

After a while, they were pulled to a stop on a mid-level platform, one that was furnished with a few couches with heavy threads thrown over them. All of them appeared old, some quite worn. Yet the fabric of the couches was kept in a good condition. In one large ostentatious chair, sat a figure, barely seen in the low light of this apparent parlor. The figure noticed the two being dragged into the parlor and stood. It spoke in a feminine voice, “So these are the nasty spider killers. Ahuhu, they’re so young.”

The figure approached and the nearby lights illuminated the figure. She was young in appearance, yet held many scars upon her lilac flesh. There was a large scar across one of her five black, pupil-less eyes, the second to her left. What would be six arms was instead five, as the middle arm on her right side was missing. It was a bandaged stump about halfway to the elbow. Her hair was down, brushed down behind her shoulders. It was encased in a web-patterned loose hairnet that was supported by a cloth purple hairband across the top of her forehead. Her clothes were full of purple and pinks, a cute design, yet comfortable looking despite the poofs on her shoulders and pants. She also wore black tights and matching black closed-toed shoes. She smirked and flashed her sharp fangs, “Such naughty little children!~ Ahuhuhu~” Frisk’s eyes widened at the fangs, but they said nothing as small tears continued down their face. Asriel pleaded quietly, “Please… Frisk was just scared! We didn’t mean it! We asked them to stop approaching but they didn’t!” Muffet crossed her two lower arms and glared at a group of spiders. She spoke strictly, “Is this true, dearies?” A few of the spiders let out strange, quiet noises that Asriel and Frisk were barely able to hear. Muffet huffed, “Well! Now it’s understandable! I appreciate you all trying to protect me, but there is a line!” Frisk’s tears halted; they raised a brow in confusion. Meanwhile, Muffet turned back to Asriel and Frisk and clapped her top two hands with a slightly apologetic expression, “I’m so sorry, dearies! Things have been a little… aggressive here… so some of them can be aggressive in kind.” She snapped her fingers, “Untie these two little ones! Right. Now!”

The spiders moved towards the cocoon. Frisk began to whine and shake again. Muffet noticed this and approached with a calming voice, “Shhh, it’s okay. They’re just going to free you. Are you scared of spiders, dearie?” Frisk sniffled and nodded silently. Muffet frowned and gently patted Frisk’s head, “Well, my previous business ventures are no fault of my spiders. They shouldn’t bite unless I tell… them… to…” Her words trailed off. She began to sniff the air around Frisk and Asriel. She began to sniff madly, “D-do you have some of the substitute on you?! Where is… no… This is stronger than that substitute…” She nearly burrowed her nose into Frisk’s neck, which made them shake and give a face of disgust. She took a deep sniff before she pulled away with a curled smirk. She placed her chin to one of the palms of her hands, supported by another hand. She spoke, “Actually dearies… only let the goat-boy go… we found a human in our web.” She licked her lips and eyed Frisk greedily. Both Asriel’s and Frisk’s eyes widened in fear.

[sincewereahoe]

Okay girl you gotta elaborate, which guy is it, have we heard of him before? How come you guys are texting? Are you interested in a relationship or in sex with him? Him wanting sex doesnt mean he isn’t interested in more!

I’ve never mentioned him because it was actually YEARSS ago like maybe 4-5 years ago.

We briefly dated. However it was very much like a situation where everyone around us knew. We had this platform for our school like reddit style and surprise surprise I was kinda popular on it. And he was too. And this sounds highschool because it was but everyone had their nose in. He kept actively stating he wanted to date me but I refused. MAINLY because I had a bunch of girls saying not to he was in their DMs too. Just a guy asking for nudes. We actually went out twice but I was too uneasy so I ended it. He was nice to me always though and never rude or pushy. So I can’t say if he was just in other girls DMs and I was one of them or, he was doing it while I was playing games if I wanted to date or not.

Anyways I reconnected after a scandal broke out recently with another guy at our school being accused of SA. And I noticed this guy unfollowed the abuser even though he was kinda friends with him . Which was like... yanno hot.

So we’ve been flirty and then last night home boy must have been horny because while I was flirting back I got a whole lot of nudes I wasn’t expecting to actually get. 😂

I don’t think I can sleep with him I think I genuinely need someone right now who is willing to take it slow and easy with me and not freak out when I might have a breakdown in front of them if I take off my shirt. 😂

[sonofsuperman-archive]

SHIPPING INFO // Answer the following for your muse(s) so people know how shipping works on your blog. REPOST. Don’t reblog.

WHAT’S YOUR OTP FOR YOUR MUSE?:  Damijon. definitely. As well as Jon with Kathy Branden, his neighbor (though DC seems to be fudging that up).

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO RP WHEN IT COMES TO SHIPPING?:  Idk what this is asking but I guess in genres everything that isn’t rape or non-con, please get that as far away from me as possible. For pairings, gay, straight, polyamory are fun. In terms of smut, I’d probably write it someday (wayyy distant future) but I’d need to research since I’ve only written the female side of it and that was yearss ago.

HOW LARGE DOES THE AGE GAP HAVE TO BE TO MAKE IT UNCOMFORTABLE?: I don’t think I’ll ever rp Jon with an age gap since I have so many verses for him in different ages. If there is a case, as long as he’s in the age of consent, we can do the HIMYM method ( his age / 2 + 7 )... jk!! I actually don’t know maybe 10?

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WHEN SHIPPING?: NOPE!!! I can ship anything from zero to a hundred. I‘m a great captain and I can practically sail any ship across the Pacific. Of course, unless its Incest or really freaking disturbing.

HOW FAR DO STEAMY MOMENTS HAVE TO GO BEFORE THEY’RE CONSIDERED NSFW?: When he starts to score, its time to read more (* copyrighted quote by yours truly)

WHO ARE OTHER MUSES YOU SHIP YOUR MUSE WITH?: look at this lovely people: @perfectedrobin (damian), @error1nmycode (viv), @licn (lian), @dawnofspeed (dawn), @phcenixgirl (rachel), @lxttle-smxles (jj), @xshxxtingstaar (sam). I think I have 2 more since we’ve been rping romance but they haven’t officially stated it so I’m not gonna tag them. and I have 1 plotting with me but since we haven’t started, she’s not getting tag. 

DOES ONE HAVE TO ASK TO SHIP WITH YOU?: Yes please. I mean I probably ship it already but asking is just a confirmation for me that heyy you ship it too and I’d rather not be the one to ask since I’m the one playing with a younger character.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU LIKE TO SHIP?:  Well, calculating the steady increase of ships I have in the 3 months I’ve been here... and the plans with other rpers to ship with them... let’s just say I’m a ship whore and could compete as the best captain of shipping.

ARE YOU MULTISHIP?: Yep! Definitely. *cough* unless people here want to do polyamory ships *cough* *stares at a few people* *cough*

ARE YOU SHIP OBSESSED OR SHIP MORE-OR-LESS?: Scale of 1 to 10 I’m probably a 6.5 to 7. I love ships as much as the next person but I do enjoy writing heart breaking angst more, why dya think I picked an easily loveable character?? I also love gaining friendships and family members.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SHIP IN YOUR CURRENT FANDOM?: The parents, def. Clark with Lois. Lois with Diana. Diana with Clark. Bonus: Bruce with all of them or any of them. Oh and my otp for my muse of course.

FINALLY, HOW DOES ONE SHIP WITH YOU?:  Send me ‘hey bitch I wanna ship with you’... jk pls don’t... just slide into my IMs and go... ‘hey, you know what would be cool? Our two characters ending up together’ and I will give you headcanon after headcanon. That ship of yours will be mine and I will build an empire from it.

tagged by:  @nottheheroyouwanted

tagging: everyone tagged above. totally peer pressuring you all to do it >~> jk

[cosmosogler]

man, i don’t know how to evaluate the things my group therapist says to me. like, i have shared a lot, so she can probably provide a semi-accurate assessment, but at the same time... we’ve known each other for three weeks. are they not true, or do i just think they aren’t true because i’m angry?

i got up at 9:10 even though i was still really tired and grouchy. like, so grouchy that i wasn’t sure i was really awake yet because i don’t normally have such persistently strong emotions.

i did three small things from my jar. i don’t remember what they were. i noticed that the hold has not been taken off my student account even though i turned in all the paperwork so i sent an email to the student help office. i have not gotten replies to ANY of the emails i’ve sent to anyone at the school the last four or five days.

i had the leftovers for lunch. it was fine. i was pretty happy that a youtube channel i found just last night that does soundtrack remixes uploaded the song i had been looking for this morning. and also the remix is really good.

i went to therapy. it was just me and one other person today so we got through our check ins really fast. i feel like i keep getting the spotlight and it makes me uncomfortable. we spent way more time on my check in. they were happy with me for doing the “self care” stuff yesterday. i shared that i had made the jar and done a bunch of stuff i was worrying about that i put in it. then i learned that i have been doing it very wrong.

immediately, like within a few seconds of the therapist starting her correction, i got the splitting headache that comes with my panic attacks. so that was cool. i got really annoyed with myself for panicking. 

the anxiety jar is for negative thoughts you have that you’re not able/supposed to do anything about. you just put them in there and look at them later and if the thought has been resolved then you throw it away. if not you become upset by reminding yourself of the negative thought and put it back and come back again later. you take a thought out once a day but you can put a lot in.

that’s annoying. why bother writing something down if i can’t do anything about it.

after our break the therapist observed that i have so far been very treatment resistant. she said i didn’t want to get better, i wasn’t working hard, i was just going through the motions even when doing piles of worksheets and coloring pages. i of course first heard it as “you’re not trying hard enough” but that’s not exactly what she was saying. i said i guess that’s why my grades are so bad and i never feel like i learned anything when i finish a class, even one i liked. i guess i don’t know how to commit. she didn’t offer directions on how to commit though.

i guess that’s where i am unsure of whether that’s true or not. i FEEL like i work hard. i FEEL like i am devoted to doing whatever i’m doing. i do physics because i WANT to do it. mom isn’t even supportive about it. every semester she would ask if i wanted to switch majors. 

like sure it’s good to know she’s open to me changing my mind and stuff but after 12 semesters it’s like, shut up!!! i made up my mind!!!!!!!!!! i heard you the first 10 times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but really, working hard at this requires changing something, perhaps fundamental, about myself or the way i look at the world. and i just don’t have any evidence to justify making the changes i think she wants me to make. do i really want to slog through a hundred bad experiences just to get the chance, not guarantee, of a good one? some people say “yes,” but that feels like insanity to me. why would i do something that hurts 100 times in a row with the hope of winning the lottery? except even playing the lottery all it costs to try is a dollar. with people i get invested and it sucks when every single time i have to boot them out of my life because they literally assaulted me or whatever.

i joked in therapy that “i don’t wanna talk about my feelings” and that got a laugh. it wasn’t entirely a joke and i think we all knew that but it was absurd enough to be funny. i DON’T want to talk about my feelings. they feel bad. it’s easier to talk about what i’m doing. makes me feel like maybe i’m not that depressed after all. if i can just do enough things maybe the depression will go away. yeah, that’s how it works.

and when i run out of things to do i guess i’ll just implode like the black hole i am.

later on i googled “how to change when i don’t want to” and all but one of the results came back “how to change other people when they don’t want to change.” i don’t think that’s useful for anyone involved in the equation there.

treatment resistant depression. i guess i already knew that was a problem i have. i mean i’ve been in therapy for almost 7 years and i still look for little ways to kill myself most days.

i was thinking about it in the car a little bit. it’s easy to get down on myself for imaginary mistakes i know i didn’t really make. bad grades. my gpa isn’t the best for sure but it wasn’t baaaad... 

but man, the moment my therapist pointed out i was using the jar wrong? i was FREAKING OUT. maybe that’s what i’ve been avoiding this whole time. it feels really bad!

i had to relabel my jar the “to-do jar.” the tasks are always in 20-minute increments (except the “consider writing for 5 minutes” one), and it’s less stressful than a full-on to-do list because i can’t see everything i need to do at the same time. just one thing at a time.

when i got home i got a new jar. the only thought i had in my mind to put in, what i’d been thinking for the whole ride home, was “i don’t want to get better. i want to get dead.”

and that’s... true. when people say “a good way to want to get better is to imagine yourself being the person you want to be in five yearss!!” all i can see is a gravestone. “here lies sammie, she smelled bad.” i’ve felt like crying for like eight hours now it’s really obnoxious. 

i did stuff in the afternoon... i did some pokemon battles for the competition, i took eve out to get the mail, i took wiley for a walk, i made myself some dinner, i pestered mom about the cosplay. i’m really annoyed with her... she hasn’t started it yet and i need to wear it on sunday. i would make it myself if i could... but every time i realize she’s not going to do it i have no time to teach myself or get through the necessary mistakes that are part of the learning process.

and she makes them badly when she does them last minute. when i was doing the prince of heart cosplay she left a bunch of paper residue from the stencil she used for the heart symbol. i had to scrape it off with my fingernails for the hour before we were supposed to leave for the convention center. it was so frustrating having to run around all day with bits of paper stuck to my outfit.

i didn’t really do anything this evening. i think i watched some youtube videos, but i didn’t really do much except stare at the screen for a couple hours. i didn’t want to color or do my to-do jar. i tried contacting asher, but i think he’s busy...

it’s hard to, like, call a help line when my parents are around and my sister and brother are in the next rooms over. i don’t want my siblings to worry, and i just plain don’t want mom or dad to know that i am depressed. it was awful when i had to withdraw from villanova and mom had to come get me and we had to do a session of family therapy so she could be filled in on the situation and the therapist pointed out that i was very closed-off around mom.

and when i go to the hospital for physical things mom just talks over me to the doctors the whole time and the doctors defer to her even when i’m the one talking.

it’s also hard to call a help line when i legit just don’t see myself alive in five years. i cannot imagine a more successful version of myself unless that person doesn’t actually exist any more. if i want to change, i have to work harder, but HOW DO I WORK HARDER??? WHAT ABOUT THE WORK I AM DOING IS NOT HARD ENOUGH?

i don’t have anyone else to tell. if i tell my therapist or a group member i might get sent upstairs. i have too many things to do to spend like 1-3 weeks as an inpatient. i don’t want to watch the doctors call me one of the “good ones.” 

i’m so tired of people telling me how strong i am. or that i’m not “really suicidal” because i haven’t gone through with trying to kill myself yet. i feel like nothing i ever do is good enough. anyone telling me i’m doing great is lying or doesn’t know how bad i feel all the time. but people who tell me to try harder just make me angry. i feel stuck.

and i know that feeling stuck means something needs to change. but the only thing i can see working long term is to not work at all.

there’s another thought for the thought jar! “mom and craig ruined my life.” 

that is of course putting the blame on other people instead of on myself! because feeling hopeless and helpless is not helpful for recovery!!! so i can’t let myself feel those things. i shouldn’t have written them down. that means i’ll have to look at them again later.

i just feel like even if i had these problems on my own, mom made them so much harder than they need to be. but now i’m the one making them harder than they need to be. and i hate myself for it.

and craig saw my problems and made them harder on purpose. jesus, it happened like five and a half years ago, why am i not over this? i hurt so much already, how is there more hurt to feel??? am i the one making it hurt? am i supposed to somehow get ahold of myself and stop making it hurt?

why don’t i have better control over myself?

and how can i resolve these problems without resorting to “make a new friend!~!~!~” yet again? it doesn’t help. all of my relationships are temporary. even when i want to keep them!! even when i consciously make decisions to try and make the relationship more stable!!! the only permanent one, the one that keeps coming back, is mom. it’s awful.

i’m so frustrated. i worked so hard the other semester with the dream journal and the mom feelings and the ptsd exercises. i’m so angry that it feels like nothing i learned actually stuck. i’m so angry that this seems to be my fault because if i just wanted to change harder and worked harder it would stick.