#we’re learning things about ourselves on this eve

[bitchsister]

I am very into the idea of a Curt & Bucky modern day AU. If not for the war where do you think they would have met?

Ooohhhhu yesss I totally see them having a meetcute somewhere mundane as fuck like the grocery store. Omg…… idk why I love emphasizing Curt’s stature and blowing it out of proportion (or shrinking him so teeny tiny ) but it’s my world

Curtis is, what feels like, fifteen trillion dollars in debt.

School is doing him in, drilling his poor head into its grave day by day and the only relief he really gets these days is getting stoned out of his mind and grocery shopping in the wee hours of the night when only the shopkeep roams the isles every now and again, perhaps judging the items in his basket.

For some reason, as one might have it, his most cherished items live upon the highest shelves.

In his state, luckily for everyone, he doesn’t mind getting a little creative.

He stood on the bottom shelf, reached toward the stars and when his fingers brushed the box of cereal he so desperately needed, he knocked it backward and out of reach completely.

“Hey.” A voice rumbles behind him, so close Curtis could feel their warmth. “Uh. Do you, like, need a hand — or..“

Curt’s cheeks went red hot, a warm rush flooding his every vessel with liquid embarrassment. “No.” He huffs, jumping down from the shelf and turning toward the man who’d stood behind him, neck craned to give him a proper once over. “I like strainin’ myself to reach shit. It’s a humbling experience.”

The stranger snorted a chuckle out of his nostrils, his nose scrunched as he criticizes Curt’s taste in breakfast cereals, which he most certainly would be eating for lunch or dinner. “Lucky Charms?”

He almost extended a hand to pull them down, but stopped.

“Hey, I got Irish in my blood, big guy.” Curt was suddenly looking around for something else to climb atop, if this nosey stranger wasn’t going to be any help. “Me and Lucky are probably related somehow.” He tried reaching again, “Watch how you speak on my family.”

Bucky couldn’t stop laughing.

He doubled over, even.

He’d been so close to the floor, he found a box of Lucky Charms on the bottom shelf, the very one Curt had been putting his feet on to reach the top. “Hey,” he speaks through his laughter, reaching down to pick up a box. “Extra magical marshmallows in this one.”

“Oh,” Curtis grabs the box and stares at it, assuming it would do the trick. “Don’t you know what they say, though? Less is more, or somethin’?”

Bucky nods slowly, taking in the sight of the boy in front of him. Tired looking and tiny, sweatpants and a big fluffy New York sweater. Less is certainly more, and it’s all right in front of him. “You gotta point, New York.” He grabs the box, plops it back onto the shelf and turns himself again to a baffled Curtis. “Wanna go eat some real food?”

[dailyanarchistposts]

Radical perfectionism and paranoid reading

This tendency for constant evaluation and the imposition of external standards has percolated its way into many facets of life under Empire. It exists even among radicals: what changes is merely the kind of standards and the mode of evaluation. Is it radical? Is it anarchist? Is it critical? Is it revolutionary? Is it anti-oppressive? How might it be co-opted, complicit, or flawed? What is problematic? What does it fail to do? How limited, ineffective, and short-lived is it? Margaret Killjoy spoke to us about the ways that these tendencies can pervade anarchist spaces:

While I think there’s a decent bit of spontaneity and not-making-rules and such going on in radicalism, I see an awful lot less creativity at the moment. Particularly, I see very little creativity from tactical, strategic, and even theoretical analysis … For a bunch of anarchists, we’re remarkably uncomfortable with new ideas. If I were to hazard a guess, I would say that happens because we’ve really honed our ability to critique things but not our ability to embrace things.[167]

Applied incessantly, critique can become a reflex that forces out other capacities. The queer theorist Eve Sedgwick argues that this penchant for constant critique runs through many currents of radical thought, in what she calls paranoid reading.[168] Paranoid reading is based on a stance of suspicion: an attempt to avoid co-optation or mistakes through constant vigilance. It seeks to ward off bad surprises by ensuring that oppression and violence are already known, or at least anticipated, so that one will not be caught off guard, and so that one can react to the first sign of trouble. The result is that one is always on guard and never surprised. By approaching everything with detached suspicion, one closes off the capacity to be affected in new ways.

When we interviewed Richard Day, he suggested that this tendency is linked to being in pain and converting that pain into an incessant search for lack:

In general, I think rigid radicalism is a response to feeling really hurt and fucked up. And the real enemy is the dominant order, but it gets mixed into this big soup, so the enemy becomes each other. It becomes oneself. It’s a finding lacking as such … a finding lacking almost everywhere with almost everyone. And when that lack is found, then of course there needs to be some action: which is going to be to tell, or force, or coerce, or get at that lack, and try to turn it into a wholeness. So strangely enough I’d suggest that rigid radicalism is driven by a desire to heal. And it has exactly the opposite effect: of sundering the self more, of sundering communities more, and so on.[169]

Those of us who regularly find ourselves in pain might find this paradox familiar. Through the constant imposition of external standards, everything can be found lacking, and all kinds of coercive responses can seem justified. An endless cycle ensues: no one and nothing is good enough, and this paranoid stance constantly incapacitates exploration, healing, and affirmation.

Many of us learn this mode of thought through university, or through immersion in radical spaces themselves: we learn to search for, anticipate, and point out the pervasiveness of Empire. Even without the sad rigor of the Weather Underground, we learn to search the bodies, behaviors, and words of others for any shred of complicity. Mik Turje spoke to this tendency when we interviewed them:

I think as a youth I was really idealistic, and I came to the university context, and critical theory, where idealism and imagining something better was stamped out as something naïve. The only option was to master the hypercritical language myself, and one-upping people. I got really good at that. I won all of the political arguments in school, but … I was being a shitbag of a militant, tearing everyone down.[170]

By being immersed in paranoid reading, people learn to find themselves and others lacking. Having been “educated,” one becomes a pedagogue oneself, spreading the word about Empire, oppression, and violence, and in the process one tends to position others as naïve and ignorant.

This is clear in how surprise and curiosity are often infantilized by Empire. They are treated as foolish or “childish”—that is, lacking the educated, rational, civilized, adult capacities of detached evaluation. Paranoid reading and its association with adulthood and rational detachment are transmitted through schooling, founded on patriarchal white supremacy. Based on suspicion, perfectionism, and the penchant for finding flaws in ourselves and others, paranoid reading prevents us from being joyfully in touch with the world and with the always already present potential for transformation.

Crucially, paranoid reading and lack-finding have their own affective ecology, with their own pleasures and rewards. There can be a sense of satisfaction in being the one who anticipates or exposes inadequacy. There can be safety and comfort in a paranoid stance, because it helps ensure that we already know what to do with new encounters. Incessantly exposing flaws can be pleasurable, and can even become a source of belonging.

We think this is at the heart of what destroys the transformative potential of movements from within: the capacity for paranoid reading closes off the capacity to embrace and be embraced by new things. The stance of detached judgment means remaining at a distance from what is taking place. In contrast, experimentation requires openness and vulnerability, including the risk of being caught off guard or hurt. From a paranoid perspective, things like gratitude, celebration, curiosity, and openness are naïve at best, and potentially dangerous. When everything is anticipated, or one can see immediately how something is imperfect or lacking, one misses the capacity to be affected and moved.

[purple-space-aliens]

✮🛸intro🪐✮

mutuals please filter tag posts about and relating to the election with #tagging for goops

if you would like to avoid our posts about our non positive feelings towards winter/prewinter and holidays such as thanksgiving, new year’s day, and possibly christmas, christmas eve, and new year’s eve, please block/filter the tag ‘#goops seasonal moping’

we don’t use code names anymore because none of us gaf lmao. we have dsmp fictives so if you don’t like that then leave. also we swear. a lot

we’re a endo system who has been on tumblr for a little bit and are redoing certain aspects of our blog to be a bit more accurate! many of us are nonhuman in the headspace in one way or another (kin, holothere, etc). in addition to this, we’re all collectively a goop dog alien who also has parasites, or as we call them, “bugs”! we are physically goop, but are usually in a human form as it takes too much effort to intentionally shift so might as well stay in disguise. we are also able to rarely shift into other creatures, such as a jerboa, but we usually stay human or sometimes our true body. originally we were nervous about bringing up the whole physically nonhuman thing, but with the recent in holothere content, we decided to go ahead and show that part of ourselves to tumblr. also, we mostly use the color purple, despite the rainbow username so yeah.

dni/byi

filter tags

goopsona refenerce image

✮🛸basic info🪐✮

~ our name is goop (collective identity) or lemons (tumblr system name)!

~ collectively maverique!

~ collectively we currently use they/them (in a plural sense), it/its, and be/bim/bis/bimself!

~ we use the label holothere usually, but don’t rlly care much abt or mind labels

~ we’re probably neurodivergent so keep that in mind!

~ some of us are adults, while others are not (the body is a minor tho so don’t be weird and shit)

~ endo system (no syscourse, most of us hate discourse and all that stuff)

~ we’re still learning abt the whole parasitical bugs thing, and will add more abt that whenever we find stuff out

~ plz interact u you want, we like to try and meet new people even tho we’re bad at social stuff! (rbs, asks, comments are much appreciated!)

~ we mostly post nonhuman and alterhuman stuff, so except to see that kind of thing on this blog as we get better at writing (we struggle with writing so we’ll see how much improving actually happens lol)

~ the purple goopy alien dog designs is a more online sona version of what we look like, which was designed by a friend!

✮🛸headmates list🪐✮

codename+emoji (pronouns//non-human?//kin type//other)

~ tommy (moots and headmates can call me toms/tom)🌹(he/fae/she//existence related to tommyinnit in some way but we don’t know for sure the details//red panda and bird hybrid//polar bearkin//minor)

~ nick or nikki 🏵️(he/she//piplup and vampire//huskykin//age regressor?)

~ yellow 🍋(alien//whalekin and monkeykin//dsmp ponk but doesn’t rlly like talking abt it)

~ phil 🍃(he/him//part crow//shockingly philza,idk where he’s been tho)

~ cyan (can also call pup) 🦋(kinda dogkin but it’s complicated, hawkkin, arctic foxkin, sockeye salmonkin//minor)

~ ranboo 🫐(he/him//some kind of creature//ranboo fictive but dunno where he’s been)

~ sodalite/soda 🌀(dragon//uses translations form other alters)

~ purple(d)/finn/cosmo (moots and headmates can call me purp)🪻(ey/em/eirs/emself and he/him//dsmp purpled fictive, don’t like me? fuck off then because i like me//alien, rabbit, and jerboa (complicated)//rabbitkin, duckkin, agoutikin, maybe something else but idk)

~ iris ☂️ (they/them//alien//polecat therian//minor//age regressor)

~ pink 🌸(he/him//pig//technoblade fictive but doesn’t rlly care if you call him that or not)

~ crimson 🧣(he/him//demon dog)

~ frost ❄️ (any pronouns, including neos//bug alien//questioning sea turtle kin)

~ taffy 🎀 (any//angel)

~ lime 🍊(any of he/she/they/it//lion)

~ ube 🪁 (he/him, sometimes they, never she//eevee//luigi fictionkin(i think)//age regressor//i’m not the brightest or best at communicating sorry//trans in a kinda confusing way??? [complicated but i feel the need to specify as it is very important to me specifically])

~ forest 🐊 (he/it, maybe other but dunno//crocodilian or gator thing//maybe agre?//it types like this a lot so be patient with it)

~ ace🌙 (he/him//demon//please read his filter tag list)

~ littles 🌤️ (anonymous)

[goon-writes-her-thoughts]

Wasted Potential & Self-Indugent Sadness Part 1

Google Doc from December 2022

In adulthood, we often find ourselves staying in a rut of what we know we’re good at. By the time you’re solidly in your 20s and the last glisten of hope has dulled from your eyes, you forget you’re capable of doing anything else. As for me, I’ve gone from retail job to retail job. The building might change but it’s all the same. I’ve known for a while that I’m good with people and that I can convince them to buy anything if I use my words right. Upon starting at this new mall, I noticed that hasn’t changed.

Long gone are my dreams of following in my father’s footsteps. A few broken ribs shattered my dreams of fixing air planes in the Forces. After that, I went through a depressive haze for a year and a half, never certain of what day it was or where my next pack of smokes was coming from. In the time between my dreams of joining the Forces becoming fleeting memories and the onslaught of Covid-19 and it’s variants, I got myself out of the haze enough to get cuffed and medicated for bipolar. From there, things started to look up but not in the way they were when I was to join the forces.

Since the depressing revelation that I’d never be fixing airplanes, I’ve been bouncing around from customer service gig to customer service gig. Some I’ve loved, others I’ve hated but mostly those I’ve just been neutral towards, allowing myself to trick myself into feeling satisfied by hearing my manager telling me I’m a good doobie. I find myself starting a new job every half year or so when I learn all there is to know about one and get bored with it. In customer service, every day is more or less the same. Put on a friendly face, fill some baskets with stuff no one needs and herd them out like cattle in a little under 5 minutes. 

Whenever I start a new gig, my monkey brain deludes myself into thinking it will be different. I won’t be just another bloodsucking shill here, no, no, certainly not.  Surely I’ll be getting customers to buy what they secretly desire. Bullshit; any job where I sell things will be the same. It’s simple irony that I’m a decent sales woman. I’m a character in the spending addiction of the masses, propped up in a store like the leech I really am. Getting people to sign up for a rewards account, like I don’t know the corporation will be sending them alluring emails and texts about sales, as though they’re Eve conversing with the serpent. I am a serpent, hell bent on taking advantage of Eves. 

Yes, I’ve resigned myself to this life. Convincing people that their credit card debt is worth it for what I’m selling while I desperately try to pay back what I owe to my own creditors. Sales is for suckers on either side of the counter. With company discounts and free product, the employees are built into the profit model just as well as the customers. I’ve resigned myself to a life of getting berated over a few measly cents, a life of telling people they look good to make a quick sale, and standing on concrete floors for hours and hours while I make money for the CEO.

You see, once you get sucked into a comfort zone, you’re blinded. You’re in your own little rut, rotting away, incapable of the self reflection to be disappointed in yourself. I had dreams before I entered the bleak and dull workforce, I’ve been over this, but it’s devastating enough to repeat this notion. It isn’t until you’re reminded of those dreams that they surface in your mind, but even then, the thoughts are different. No longer are your dreams attainable if you work hard. No longer are they something you aim to work towards.

The emotions towards these dreams now are bitter and laced with remorse. God forbid I see someone my age in the Forces or someone I knew in passing in law school.  The bitter and angry jealousy that thinly disguises my disappointment and dissatisfaction in myself haunts me for days at a time. Hearing of a celebrity my age publishing a book might as well be a one way ticket into a manic episode. The whole thing just reminds me of my once bright future, the potential that everyone saw in me. 

Even now, I’ve perused journalism programs. One last way I can follow in my father’s footsteps I guess, though largely motivated by reading Thompson. I’d love to dip my toes into that world and see what’s there. Id love to experience the rush of the scrum on Parliament Hill or be in some VIP’s entourage or even just be minor coverage at the Grey Cup. I did the freelance thing for a while, though it was copywriting for sketchy-at-best clientele. I enjoyed it well enough, but I was hardly thrilled with the shilling. It’s not journalism if you’re specifically instructed to be so biased that you only include links that sell some sort of gizmo. Naturally, even when I found a job writing, doing something I love, I was still in sales, still shilling, and still wasting that potential my family loves to remind me I once had.

I stopped copywriting soon after I started. I’d realized quite suddenly that the only way to make a living at it was to write drivel regarding the life changing effects of boner pills and reviews for products I’d never seen in my life. I don’t have much pride at all, but my Google search history isn’t something I’m willing to sacrifice for a measly 15 bucks. Besides that, I found a couple of other issues with the lifestyle of working from home. The key thing was that I was getting cabin fever, in my pyjamas day in and day out, only leaving the abode for groceries.

The other big issue was that I had no desire to shill. My work could have just as easily come from an artificial intelligence, scouring through the same information I used just in a faster, less dyslexic manner. There was no emotion, no grip and most certainly no personal experience. It was hardly even puff pieces, it was just tripe written in a caffeine-induced haze making little to no sense for clickbait articles about off-brand viagra.

[esoteric-butcher]

Star Date: Helios 10’52” Capricorn 1/1/2023

Hour of Jupiter Day of Saturn

Single Card Pull Crowley Deck: VII of Cups

Correlating Aspects: None

Interesting Aspects: Venus (28’06” Capricorn) Conjunct Pluto (27’40” Capricorn)

It’s always important to forgive yourself if you break an important habit or ritual. We’re all the way into the second decan of Capricorn and this is my first reflection. Rest is important though. A few excesses of drinking here and there. Also though, a lot of work.

If you’ve never worked in the servant industry in modern colonial/capitalism, especially in a lot of the U.S.. Then you probably aren’t aware of how much of a mental, physical, and emotional drain it is on all of us. Venus speaks to me through the VII of Cups about how the over excess of pleasure for some always leads to devastation and struggle for others. From lavish weddings on the secular New Years Eve. To the smartphone sitting beside me. In this modern capitalist hierarchy there isn’t an equal reciprocity for the energy that is exchanged.

Venus is also here with Pluto. They stand hand and hand together in the sign of Capricorn to remind us to dig deep. Pull from the depths of your imagination and passion to pull out the inspiration you want for the next season. We’re in the final quarter of the Zodiacal Year. Now is the time to lay plans for spring! Helios is in the second decan of Capricorn and in the tarot that’s the III of Pentacles. It’s an image of three men analyzing and finalizing plans to move forward. It’s the decan where Mars is exalted! The sphere of action is als the God of the strong and steady workhorse. The beating heart of resistance, activism, and the struggle against the ruling/enforcing class.

People get so hard on themselves this time of year. Though the annual cries of New “Years Resolutions” flood into the lands of Capricorn and Aquarius. The energy just isn’t here for that right now. Does that mean we should never want to better ourselves and grow? Definitely not. What I’m saying is this: This last quarter, Capricorn/Aquarius/Pisces, is the quarter of buttoning up the year. While also making plans for the new one. By all means take the time to abscess your reality. Venus and Pluto say “Dream deep for the things that you want to change in your life.” Then take the time to create a container or plan for how that happens.

We need to make space for new things by thinning out the useless first. We can’t just pile on personal gym requirements, personal reading time, and other things on top of what we already do. Likewise if you’re trying to slow down or stop a habit we need to find something that replaces it.

All of this is to say. Make heady plans and in the spring or even in the last decan of Pisces (ruled by Mars) comes around you’ll be ready to start those new plans. Helios will be taking more of the time in the sky! Feeding your inner fire with their own! While the bustling of new growth and life begins to sprout all over the Northern Hemisphere! Learn from our seedling brothers and sisters. Build strong roots in the soil before trying to break through it’s crust!

Make plans, make space, and break free!

Thanks for listening,

Devon

[the-californicationist]

@madstronaut this is one of the nicest things anyone has said about my work, and you have no idea what sort of bright, wild joy you’ve gifted to me by saying it. I only ever wanted to make you happy, and I’m so glad that I did.

I started writing and publishing the majority of my work in late September, and these past three months have been like a new awakening for me. I really found something I’m passionate about and that I’m willing to practice in order to get better.

At first, I just wanted to bring people some joy. I saw the desire for feral, unbridled love and affection and adventure with characters that were never intended for such endeavors. And I was eager to fill that void.

Activision or whoever made these games never crafted Johnny MacTavish to be loved. He wasn’t meant to be cherished. And when artists were drawing him basking in devotion, or when writers wrote him steeped in the fluid lust of someone who cared for him, those same original creators were eager to dismiss and ignore those interactions.

At the time I started posting, a lot of media was circling around about how the “sissification” or “feminization” of COD characters was unwanted and unacceptable. And I thought about all the other locked doors and secret societies and exclusivity that we’ve been conditioned to prostrate ourselves before… and I then I suddenly wanted to fuck that up.

Consumerism is a two way street. Todd Howard can sell me Skyrim on every platform except my microwave and yet he cannot tell me how to play it. If I want to ride my Skyrim horse right off a cliff, I will. If I want to do it a hundred times, I will. And if I want to write about a Johnny MacTavish who comes home to someone who gives a shit about him for something other than his dogma, for something other than his vengeance, or for both of those things after all, I fucking will. If we want him as a father or a werebear or a dragonborn, then we should be able to have that.

If media is being produced for us to consume, then I will consume it. Importantly, if I am being fed, I will eat it with my mouth in the way that I am fond of eating it. And all the gatekeeping in the world can’t stop me.

And what is fanfiction if not the altar of consumption? Here, we have made gods out of our own little creatures, writing our own little bibles for all of these Adams and Eves and Buckies and Steves. And we are villains for it, apparently. How many of us openly tell our coworkers about our fanfiction “hobby”? It is steeped in shame, biblical almost. Perhaps just as in the canon?

But at its heart, it’s all about the sweet reward of exploration. A novel allows you to explore itself. A good novel allows you to then take your findings from that exploration and apply it to the world and the society and the culture and the Self that you are experiencing and use it to critically analyze those containers. But, a fanfiction allows you to do those same things in infinite worlds.

Shelley’s Frankenstein asks us if love is enough for something to be a man (a man who knows only hate), but in a fanfiction where Victor falls in love with his own monster instead of hating it, now we are adding a fractal onto the end of an already critical question.

If Victor decides on love, what happens then? Do we learn more about ourselves or about humanity or about Love? Do we learn how to then form more questions that compound upon each other like a fire in a dry field, catching onto other questions and illuminating what was once a very dark place?

If Victor is in love with him, what changed his mind?

If the monster was a woman would that change her impact on this thematic message of human existence?

Would it change Victor?

Would it change us?

And so on and so on and so on until we get to the Frankenstein ABO x Supernatural crossover fics and then we’re cooking with gas!

But that’s where I’m at. I open up tumblr and I find us all cooking with the gas on high. I’m excited to play in this space — a space where, I believe, I was never meant to belong. I do! I’m in it! I’m belonging right now!

I’m writing characters who were meant for war who are now doctors and lawyers and firefighters and ghosts and werethings galore. They’re gay and straight and ace and pan and evil and good and sometimes vampires. War is not your only fate, Johnny MacTavish. Sometimes you were meant to be loved by a grad student from Florida who cares deeply about your sister.

And is there not some consumer value there, just as Shelley had hoped there would be when she wanted to publish Frankenstein? Of course there is. Are there not lessons there; the ones teachers (like me!) beg students to find in their published novels? Of course there are.

(Sometimes the lessons are less impactful than others… >>stares at my pile of oneshots<<) but!

Was Mary Shelley not writing a fanfiction of Prometheus, after all? Instead of discovering fire, this is the one where he’s a scientist and discovers life (or perhaps this the one where he’s a monster and discovers love)?

All of that digression leads me to this: a story is a story is a story. Novel or not. Writing stories freed me from a prison that I had been keeping myself in my mind in a place where I felt like I was not good enough to tell stories, and it assured me that I wouldn’t belong on the shelf next to Shelley.

But this experience has changed my mind. I believe that I belong where I am. And I am here.

And what’s more is: you have found some small joy in my belonging.

And if I wasn’t here, there would still be plenty of content for you to love.

But when I say it means a lot to me, I wanted to make sure you know what I mean when I say it.

And to anyone else who has been supporting me and who reads this, I mean it. Even if you’ve never commented or liked or reblogged or whatever the hell all these buttons are. Your reading my work and allowing it into your life has meant the world to me. You’ve changed me.

reblog if you’ve read fanfictions that are more professional, better written than some actual novels. I’m trying to see something

[somewritingblog]

My God

God is a man made concept we created to explain how we all got here. God was created to teach us morals and how the world should be or what we should believe. There is no scientific explanation for the way Adam and Eve got to be humans on this specific planet. So the only explanation humans could come up with is God. A man who grants prayers and gives us the “correct” way to move through the complex world we live in. The world he never lived in. 

That’s the God you know, but what about my god? The god who handed me tragedy with a smile and a “you got this”. My god loves to show me just how much I can handle. My god gives me a blessing and follows up with a tragedy. 

What made God so special? What made the Devil so evil? Why does God get thanked for our blessings and the devil blamed for our misfortune? The devil never got a chance to have a good reputation because God took that from him. Nobody prayed for the devil. Once someone so highly influenceable decides that you’re bad that's how you become seen in the public eye. God speaks of prayer as if he doesn’t decide who gets what and when. And when our prayers come true even years later, we still say “Thank God.” 

When do humans start taking credit for their fortune? When do we start believing that God has created just as many good things as he has bad. That he’s been sinful too. God is not someone who grants wishes. God is the reason we are here today. He is the reason we’re smiling and the reason we’re struggling. But once Adam and Eve stepped foot on the soft soil this planet carries, he ceased to exist.

The god we learned about would not allow for the insatiable suffering that goes by everyday. The kind of suffering we see sleeping on the cold concrete floor of the 7-eleven. God wouldn’t allow for the massacre of children and infants that’s happening as I write this. If God still existed, he would grant wishes. 

So instead of thanking God for giving us something good, something we worked for, or something we deserve. Let’s thank God for giving us life, giving us the opportunity to make these things happen for ourselves. And when we think of the devil, let's think of the life he lost when we painted him as a monster. And when we’re done thanking the high and mighty, let’s thank ourselves for having the stamina to keep going.

[unfoldingmoments]

Apathy Trap

Relational poverty is one of the greatest challenges our culture faces today. These days we tend to have followers but not friends, likes but not love, comments but not conversations, crowds but not companions, churches but not communities. Our society has popularized a new kind of relational experience—one that gives us a broader network of ‘contacts’ but lessens the importance of having deep, meaningful connections with others. The priority on ‘I, me, mine’ has eclipsed any sense of ‘us, we, ours,’ and the result is that people feel more alone than ever before. Our time has been dubbed the ‘age of loneliness.’ In fact, it’s been estimated that one in five Americans suffer from chronic loneliness.

Loneliness has a way of compounding so that when we feel alone, we assume we’re the only ones that ever feel that way. You might feel alone in the pain of a devastating loss, alone in your addiction, alone in your marriage. You might feel alone as a parent trying to raise kids, as a professional trying to balance your life, as a student struggling to find your identity. When we feel alone, we can start to feel unknown. And sometimes in those moments we feel the temptation to compromise who we are. ‘Alone’ can be a dangerous place.

Eve had a conversation with the serpent; Noah got drunk; Moses murdered; David had an affair, Peter denied Jesus—and all these things happened when these people were alone. There’s a pattern there. This is why God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” We were created for connection. We were created to be known.

I have tasted the bland reality of loneliness, and I have learned that the feeling of loneliness is an internal siren alerting your soul to the craving you have to be known by God and by other people. In that way, loneliness can serve a purpose in our lives, at least initially, but there are only a few reasons—none of them good—as to why we might choose to perpetuate that stark existence. At the top of that list is love’s opposite, apathy.

Apathy is indifference. It’s the ‘I don’t care’ attitude that arrests our desire to love and be loved, leaving us feeling alone and unknown, coasting through life. Our apathy serves as a coping mechanism that shields us from feeling. We secure ourselves behind the brick and mortar of statements like, “I don’t care what people think about me,” when, if we’re being honest, the exact opposite is true. We care about what people think of us so much that we can’t deal with the idea of letting someone know us—all of our quirks, strengths, weaknesses, world-views, gifts, and gaps—because that gives them the power to accept or reject us based on our level of vulnerability. So we often create superficial selves and relegate every relationship to the shallow end of the relational experience. Because we know how badly rejection can hurt, we’re afraid that someone might get to know us and decide not to like us. But the foundation of intimacy is vulnerability, and if you can’t be vulnerable, honest, and open, then you will never be able to escape the terrible prison of superficiality. You will never be able to fully embrace what it is to be real.

[banyan-philadelphia]

Enjoy a Sober New Year's in Philadelphia

As the New Year approaches, many of us are looking forward to celebrating. But for those of us who struggle with addiction, the New Year can be a challenging time. That’s why discussing healthy and enjoyable ways to ring in the New Year can be a great way to ensure that we enjoy ourselves without indulging in alcohol or other substances. At Banyan Treatment Center, we’re dedicated to helping individuals who struggle with addiction maintain sobriety and achieve overall well-being. That’s why we’d like to present some of the best ways to celebrate New Year’s Eve in Philadelphia without drinking.

Take a Walk: One of the best ways to enjoy the New Year is to take a walk around your favourite spots in Philadelphia. Whether it’s a stroll through the park, or an exploration of some of the city’s historical landmarks, taking a walk can be a great way to appreciate the beauty of nature while avoiding the temptation of intoxication.

Go to a Movie: Catch the latest blockbuster at the local theatre for a fun and exciting night out. Make sure to grab some popcorn and snacks for an enjoyable evening that doesn’t involve any drinking.

Attend a Show: There are many shows in the city on New Year’s Eve, and they can be a great way to celebrate. From live bands and concerts to comedy and theatre, going to a show can be a great way to have fun without drinking.

The best thing about celebrating New Year’s without alcohol is that you don’t have to worry about a hangover the next day. You can wake up feeling great and ready to start the New Year off on the right foot. If you are struggling with alcoholism and looking for ways to enjoy the New Year without drinking, click here to read our full guide. At Banyan Treatment Center, our primary goal is to provide recovery for life. Visit our website to learn more about our services.

[lesbianologist]

i finally pinpointed why the ke ending bothered me so much (aside from the blatant themes of homophobia) (kinda long btw)

it's a culmination of a lot of different things, an amalgamation of sorts: the loss of direction with their writing (and understanding) of the characters, the lack of direction with previously explored themes, the collapse of the plot, the misuse of certain characters, the abandoned plots, the plot-holes (because of the abandoned plots), and it’s the fact that as pwb quoted initially, “every moment in this show exists so these two women can end up in a room together”. the room is intimacy through vulnerability. hell, sandra even reiterated this in an interview (y'all know the one; where they both were indifferent to the end of the show) and i discussed it prior to that infamous interview. this is important for the basis of the show. it is the absolute core and foundation of killing eve.

villanelle has experienced insurmountable trauma from a bewilderingly young age. she was abused by her mother in so many ways (her mother going so far as to call her a monster, and dropping her off at an orphanage where, yet again, she was exploited), she was trained to be an assassin, and she was taught (and reprimanded by most, even by konstantin!!!) for having feelings. for caring about eve. for thinking of her, and mostly for being in love with her.

we see this love expressed in so many ways. yes, initially vil doesn't understand how to love. she views it as possession. hence why she goes from "mine" to "now we walk away and we never look back" and finally, to grabbing eve and telling her to jump off the boat to protect her from being shot.

villanelle has been abused most of her life. by her mother, the twelve, dasha, konstantin, and raymond, and probably more people. ironically enough, she’s not the antagonist in this story, but rather, she is the protagonist for most of the seasons (i’d say all but s4). it’s why we’re drawn to her and enamoured with her. she represents the ugly parts of humanity that reside within ourselves that we wish to fix, and when we’re introduced with the plot of her mother abusing her, and we finally learn her full backstory, she resonates with us. we see ourselves in her. we want to see her make a redemption and that doesn’t necessarily mean her not killing anyone anymore.

we want to see her embrace and accept herself because throughout the seasons we’ve seen her question whether or not she truly is a monster. she has quite a lot of self-awareness, actually, as she grapples with her self-worth, redemption/forgiveness (whether she can be “saved”), and more importantly, her genuine feelings (including of guilt/remorse/shame over killing). she actually mentions it several times in s3 and once in s4 of how awful she feels awful “all the time”. we also know she experiences empathy as we see this when she kills that young boy in hospital who cannot see anymore and wishes he was dead.

from season one until this final one, she has been set up as the protagonist. we like her because she has very human qualities even though she is damaged (and unhinged). we want to see her kill the twelve and we want to see her live a normal happy life afterwards. we want to see the abuser pay, and to see villanelle find a healthy, happy life for herself (the life she wanted; "fun job, a nice flat, someone to watch movies with").

so, she’s the protagonist and one of the many obstacles that we see her face visually and through her own spoken word is vulnerability. she struggles being vulnerable as it has often been met with abuse. we see this in her scenes with her family where she tries to get her mother to love her and doesn’t receive that, in scenes where she tries to make a father figure for herself out of konstantin, and we see this in the way that she often flinches when eve is being soft with her. we see it in her inability to let go of control around eve until season 3 when she lets eve walk away from her. she makes monumental leaps from “you’re mine!” to “now we walk and we never look back.”

and now to the atrocity of this last season....

it was a calculated (and awful) choice to have villanelle explore christianity and being ~saved~ as an openly queer character, but she still had the chance at a redemption arc if they’d explored what happened after the bridge scene in s3. perhaps her and eve attempted a relationship and it didn’t work out (because of eve's internalized homophobia, maybe).

it all culminates in a season that kills off their beloved protagonist after giving her the ending that she deserved; a happy love, softness, vulnerability, etc.

i hated it, and i know a lot of you did too. it was just interesting for me to examine why a little bit deeper and realize how deeply flawed it all was, and the potential it all had.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #42

previously…

Victor

I hope everyone had a great Winterfest! Ours was relatively low-key, but it was fun.

First things first... before I get sidetracked, let me show you my gorgeous Winterfest present from Yuri. He'd been hinting about giving me something special, but I had absolutely no idea it was going to be something like this.

Isn't it beautiful? This kimono and haori were entirely handmade by Seiji's mother, who is a professional tailor. I love the colours and that it has maple leaves on it. It feels really special to have something like this designed specifically for me.

At first, I felt slightly worried about wearing it because I'm not Japanese, but Yuri did his best to assure me that it'd be perfectly acceptable, and that nobody would think I was doing cultural appropriation or something offensive like that. There are appropriate times and places to wear it, obviously, so as long as I stick to those, I think I'll be okay.

I wore it when we all gathered at Seiji's family's house for omisoka on New Year's Eve, and when we visited the shrine on New Year's day. Mrs. Hinamori was thrilled to see me in it, and kept telling me that I was doing justice to her creation.

Just as a side note, in case you were wondering, Japan celebrates the new year on January first, the same as we do in Canada, although the culture and traditions are different . A lot of other countries in Asia celebrate the Lunar New Year, which is usually a little later in January or early in February.

Right. Now that I’ve showed you my one-of-a-kind kimono, we can get back to the update, such as it is. There hasn't been all that much going on for us since our last update, which I realize was a few weeks ago, but we’re definitely not complaining about life being quiet for once.

Yuki spent Winterfest Eve and part of Winterfest morning with us. We had a fantastic time, dressing in our matching pyjamas, playing games and singing songs. Yuki fell asleep in Yuri’s bed while he was reading us a Winterfest story, and we just let her stay there, snuggled comfortably between us. On Winterfest morning, after breakfast and presents, Yuri took her home while I stayed here to get ready for our dinner guests.

In the afternoon, Sakura and Takeshi came over, as well as Taka and Fox, and Fox's twin sister Clancy who was here visiting him for the holidays. Seiji and his parents were at his grandparents' estate in the country for Winterfest, so he didn't join us. We all missed him, and even Clancy asked about him. If I didn't know better, I'd say there's a small spark of something there.

Yuri says I'm being silly, of course. Seiji barely speaks English, and I'm pretty sure Clancy's only Japanese words are konnichiwa and arigato gozaimasu. They can't possibly have any kind of relationship if they can't even talk to each other. But, I mean... Taka's taking language classes now, trying to improve his English for Fox, and it's astounding how quickly Fox is picking up Japanese just by talking with his host family every day as well as hanging out with us. Maybe Seiji and Clancy will be interested enough to start learning each other's languages, too. It could happen, right?

Yuri says I shouldn't meddle, which I'm trying not to do, but I just want everyone I care about to be happy. That's not unreasonable, is it?

I think one of the reasons things have been more stable for us lately is that since returning to Mt. Komorebi, Yuri and I have been trying to distance ourselves from his family's problems. Amazingly, we've been pretty successful in our efforts. We’ve made it to this point in January without being dragged into anything, after all. We still get regular gossip from Yuki, and we listen to what she has to say about everything, but that's about as far into it as we're willing to get. Neither of us is really interested in Hana's pregnancy drama or Mr. Okamoto's alleged affair with the former housekeeper and how he kicked her to the curb when he found out she’s also expecting.

Yuki seems happy that it's just her and her dad at home now. It sounds like they've been doing a lot of things together, including cooking and housecleaning. According to Yuki, even chores are fun when she and her dad do them as a team. They've been doing actual fun things as well, like sledding, skating, baking cookies and playing music together. Yuki says she's teaching her dad to ski. Honestly, I'd be shocked if he didn't already know how, but I'm glad he's pretending not to know so that his daughter can feel like she's helping him learn an important skill.

I'm not sure how Yuri feels, hearing about all Yuki's adventures with their father. I think he's pleased that Yuki is having such a great time, but there's something else underlying his happiness. I can't tell if it's sadness or anger, or maybe a mixture of both. Maybe it's resentment because he wishes his dad would do those things with him.

Yuri doesn't like to talk about his relationship with his father, or their lack of a real relationship, because the whole thing is too emotionally painful for him. All he ever wanted was for his dad to love him and accept him for who he is instead of treating him like an inconvenience and a disappointment, so I can imagine how much it must hurt to know his dad is bonding with Yuki the way he wishes he would’ve bonded with him.

I wish Yuri's dad would love him the way my mom loves me. Like, I've never once questioned her feelings for me. She loves me so hard, I can feel it from ten thousand kilometers away. Every time I talk to her, it's there in her voice and her attitude. It's in her body language when we video chat. I can hardly wait till we get home in the spring, so she can hug me with one of those super tight hugs that says I never want to let you go.

Sometimes I wonder if my father would love me like that if he were still alive. I often tell myself he would, because I think that's the kind of guy he was; open and ready to give something good to everyone he met. And you know what? The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced Julian also loves me that way, like the son he never had. I'm sure Mom loves Ellie like a daughter, too.

At first, I wasn't certain I liked the idea of Mom and Julian getting married, but now I'm more than okay with it because it occurred to me that we're essentially a family already, in all the ways that matter, and I think we have been all along. So, why not make it official?

On the subject of Mom and Julian, they were supposed to be coming for a visit, along with Ellie and Leo, but in light of their wedding, our big move and our Selvadoradan excursion being put on hold for the moment, everyone's decided to stay put. Last week Mom told me that she and Julian want to give their travel money to me and Yuri to help with the down payment on our haunted house. I'm not even joking when I tell you I cried over that. But, you guys know me. I cry over everything.

As for Ellie and Leo, they're using some of their travel money to move out of their respective parents' houses and get a place together. During Winterfest, they finally worked up the courage to tell each other how they feel, and they're now an actual couple. They called me and Yuri to tell us about it, and needless to say we were very excited for them.

Ellie says Julian is relieved that she's moving out, mostly because he wants to sell his house and move in with Mom. I'm glad Julian is moving into Mom's place. Julian's house isn't all that far away from Mom's, so it'd be totally fine if she'd decided to move in with him, but Mom's is right across the street from the home Yuri and I are trying to purchase, and I like the idea of being that close to my mother when we settle in Willow Creek. I like that we’ll be near enough to see each other in person every day, but that we’ll be under different roofs and free to carry on with our own lives.

In other news, there was an amateur snowboarding competition held here in Mt. Komorebi last weekend. Seiji, Sakura and I all decided to sign up for it, and we were shocked that the organizers actually let us.

Me and Seiji are international-level competitors and Sakura was too, until she retired after last season. Amateur competitions are good experience, which is the main reason we sometimes try to enter them, but it feels kinda wrong to seriously put ourselves up against a bunch of amateur enthusiasts who were just out there to have a good time. To be fair to the other competitors, we asked the organizers to tell the judges not to use our scores for the medal placement, which they agreed to, so maybe that's why they let us enter.

A really great thing about this competition was that Seiji and I didn't need to worry too much about our performances, even if our scores had been counted with everyone else's. This wasn't a qualifier for the All-Japan Snowboarding Championship, so it was the perfect chance for us to enjoy ourselves and maybe show off a little. I'll bet all of you know exactly who I was showing off for.

On the first morning of the competition, which was Saturday, Sakura and Takeshi stopped by our place for tea and a pep talk on their way up the mountain. If I didn't mention it before, Sakura and I work together at the fitness center, but we've been friends for longer than either of us have worked there. We met not long after I arrived, and I think I won her over immediately by praising her hot pink snowboard, Senbazuru. I didn't know he had a name at first, though. I was riding my old board, Silver Storm, at the time and being the snowboarding-obsessed nerd that I am, I introduced both myself and him. Sakura said I was crazy, and then told me her board also had a name. We laughed like idiots, and I think we were instantly bonded for life.

This season, Sakura is also my coach, which is beyond awesome. Last season was tough because Seiji and I had the same coach, and it sometimes felt like we were competing for his attention. Seiji said it felt kind of like a threesome, which is something I really don't want to contemplate. Anyway, Seiji is still with him. Meanwhile, Sakura has been kicking my butt into shape as best she can, considering the chaos and all the interruptions to my training schedule.

Sakura and Takeshi were on the go early. They turned up at our place just as I was putting breakfast on the table. Unfortunately they didn't have time to stay long, because Sakura needed to take Takeshi to work — he's a paramedic with the Mountain Patrol — so I put their tea into travel mugs which Sakura promised to return to us later.

As they were leaving, Sakura offered to transport my gear for me. Naturally, I wasn't going to refuse that offer. With my stuff going up the mountain in Sakura's truck, that meant Yuri and I could enjoy a nice walk without me having to carry anything.

You ever have one of those moments where you suddenly stop and think, 'I'm incredibly content with my life right now'? That was me on Saturday morning. It was a beautiful day. The sun was out, with just enough cloud cover that the snow wasn't blindingly bright, and it wasn't too cold or windy. There'd been a fresh snowfall overnight, and everything around us was glistening and magical as Yuri and I strolled up the quiet Kiyomatsu Point road, hand in hand.

"You're in a good mood," Yuri observed. "I don't think I've ever seen you this calm and relaxed on the morning of a competition."

"I don't really see it as a competition," I said. "Just an exhibition. There's nothing to lose. And I am in a good mood. How could I not be in a good mood when I'm out here with you?"

"This is nice, isn't it? I'm going to miss walking here with you."

"We may be moving, but we're not leaving forever," I said. "We'll come back for visits, and when we do, we'll have our walks. Plus, we can do this every day until spring if you want. Every day you're feeling up to it, that is."

He smiled. "I'd like that."

"We'll find quiet places to walk in Willow Creek, too."

"I know," he said. "I'm looking forward to that, but it doesn't change how I feel about this place. It's part of me, just as much as your hometown is part of you, and it's difficult to say goodbye."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Please, don't be." He squeezed my hand. "I want to go with you and help you chase your dreams. You deserve to get back some of the things you gave up when you came here for me."

"But, what about your dreams?"

He stopped walking, and gently pulled me to a stop beside him. Turning to face me, he gazed at me and said, "You are my dream, Victor. The only thing I ever wanted was to be loved the way you love me. Maybe I'll come up with a future goal of my own once we're in Canada, but for right now, I just want to be with you and watch you reach yours."

"Thank you," I said, because there were no better words in my head.

Since our visit to Willow Creek in the autumn, I've noticed a big change in Yuri. I don't know exactly how to describe it except to say that he's less clingy than he used to be. No... that's not right. He's still clingy, but not in as much of a selfish, jealous way as before. He's been putting my needs ahead of his way more often, and I've got to say it's doing wonders for us as a couple.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too."

We resumed walking after that, and our conversation turned to lighter things, like our plans to go to our favourite tea house with our friends this evening, and what we were going to get for Taka as a gift for his twenty-sixth birthday at the end of January. We recently found out that Fox's birthday is in January too, and he's also going to be twenty-six. We discussed the possibility of getting them something matching, and Yuri thought matching coffee mugs would be a good idea. I suggested that we could do them up in a cute little basket with some sugar-free snacks for Fox and some of the expensive coffee beans Taka likes. Yuri said he'd be in charge of decorating the basket, which is undoubtedly the wisest option. He has a better eye for that sort of thing than I do. My talents lie elsewhere.

Up on the mountain, the trail conditions were flawless. We couldn't have asked for a better day.

We found Sakura, and then went to retrieve Elsa and my other gear. Yuri carried my helmet. Whenever he's able to come and watch, we have kind of a pre-competition ritual that we do. He carries something of mine, usually my helmet or wrist guards, and we walk together as far as we can. Then, just before I head up to the top of the run and he goes off to the spectator area, he puts that bit of equipment on me.

"Don't break your neck."

"Arms and legs are okay though, right?" is my typical response.

It's kind of a dark joke, I know, and it probably fits into the category of what my uncle Stephen would call 'gallows humour'. But, here's the thing. Snowboarding is an extremely dangerous sport, especially in the alpine events. If a person doesn't know what they're doing or they're not completely focused, they can get seriously hurt or even killed, and regardless of whether you’re paying attention or not, accidents can still happen. Like, you're whipping down the side of the mountain at speeds that are almost as fast as a car would travel on the highway, except you don't have a seatbelt or an airbag to protect you if you crash. Broken arms or legs are a real possibility. Broken necks, too.

Yuri and I both know this all too well. A friend of his died in a snowboarding accident about three years ago. She suffered a broken neck and a catastrophic brain injury. Back home, I used to be acquainted with a guy who wiped out and injured his spine. He uses a wheelchair these days.

So, even though we joke around, it's not because we're taking it lightly. It's actually the opposite. We need something to loosen the tension, because laughing is always better than panicking.

Before we parted ways, Yuri put my helmet on me. "I'll see you later," he said, once we'd done our little routine. "Be safe."

I leaned down to kiss him on the forehead. "I'll see you in a little while. I've got the third position in line, so I'll be close to the beginning. I'll come and find you, and then we can grab a hot drink and then see if we can catch Seiji in one of his events, okay?"

"Okay," he said. "When is Sakura's event?"

"Women's Super-G is this afternoon."

"Do you think she'll be all right?"

"Sakura can handle herself," I said. "She'll put on a masterclass for everybody here today."

And she absolutely did. She nailed it, and she would've taken first place if her score had counted. In my opinion, she probably could've competed for one more season if she'd wanted to, but I also respect her decision to take her doctors' advice and retire. The next injury might not be so easy to recover from, and I feel like it makes more sense for her to retire on her own terms than to be forced into it because she literally can't ride any more.

I'm going to reach that point some day myself, where I'll have to decide that it's time to stop competing. I don't like thinking about it because sometimes I feel like snowboarding is the only thing I'm really good at, and I don't know what I'll fill my time with that makes me feel as self-confident and satisfied and alive as snowboarding does. I'm concerned that if I don't figure something out, I'm going to end up being one of those people who wastes away inside, remembering the glory days and wishing they could get that feeling back.

Yuri says I'm good at lots of things. He says I'll find my new passion, but honestly, I'm really scared that I won't. Don't get me wrong; I'm looking forward to starting university in September and eventually becoming a physical therapist, but I'm worried that I won't do well enough in school. Even if I manage to graduate, what If I don't love my chosen profession? Or what if I suck at it?

If I could've captured a fragment of last Saturday, with all the exhilaration, optimism and positive energy that went with it, I would have. I'd freeze time in that perfect moment and hold onto it until I was emotionally and psychologically ready to let go and move on. But, of course I couldn't. Life marches forward, whether we're ready or not.

Oh... I guess I should tell you that I finished first in my event, if you were curious. Seiji placed in the top three of both his events, but not first in either of them, which was kind of surprising. There are some very talented up-and-coming freestyle boarders around here, it seems.

At the end of the day, Yuri and I decided to go home for a while instead of hanging out in the public square and eating stuff from the food stalls. I needed a hot shower, a change of clothes and a decent meal. Yuri said he needed a nap and a snack, and I wanted to make sure he got some protein into him, which would 've been challenging with all the high-carb junk food they sell in the square.

Seiji and Sakura caught up with us at the square’s exit, and said they'd see us later at the tea house. Seiji was going to his parents' place for food first, and Sakura was planning to wait for Takeshi so they could go home together to eat as well. We all agreed that seven o'clock was a good time for tea and desserts, and Yuri texted Taka to see if he'd be off work by then so that he and Fox could join us.

With our tea party organized, we went our separate ways. Yuri and I retraced our path along Kiyomatsu Point Road, once again holding hands. I kept glancing at him, pleased to see that he didn't look as tired as I expected he would.

"You were amazing out there today," he said, and his enthusiasm shone through his entire expression.

"It's because you were watching," I said. "I always do better when I know you're watching. That's how I know I'm gonna crush it in the All-Japan qualifier in two weeks. 'cause you're going to be there."

"Unless something terrible happens to intervene, I'll be there," he affirmed. "I wouldn't want to miss it, and I promised you I'd be there, didn't I?"

"Like what? The only reason I can think of that'd keep you away would be if you're sick."

"I'd have to be too ill to get out of bed."

"If you were too ill to get out of bed, I wouldn't be going to the competition either," I told him. "I couldn't leave you alone like that."

"Let's hope for that not to happen," he said. "Let's hope we're both feeling our best."

"If this is going to be my year to win a medal at All-Japan, and to make it to the FIS Championship next year, everything has to go right.”

“Is it pointless for me to tell you not to worry about it?”

“You can tell me, but I’m probably still going to worry,” I said. “Just wish me luck.”

“Always,” he said. “You know I always hope you’ll do well. I’m your number one fan.”

“I love that.”

“I’m glad.” He clasped my hand in both of his, and gazed earnestly at me. “Fingers crossed that everything goes according to the plan.”

I nodded and echoed, “Fingers crossed.”

[hyenahunt]

Secret Service: GLOBALISM - 7

Writer: Akira

Season: Winter

Characters: Hiyori, Kohaku, Jun, Ibara

Proofreading: bakemonoremy (JP) & Skyress (ENG)

Translation: haranami & hyenahunt

Hiyori: It doesn't matter when everything's working out so well, no? You silly-billies can just keep your heads empty, your mouths shut and follow along after me! Ahaha ♪

Location: Airport Lobby

Hiyori: Thanks for waiting! We've gotten just enough footage to put together our show for now, so you're free to do as you like from now on!

The camera's aren't rolling anymore, so that goes for you too, Kohaku-kun! Walk and talk as much as you'd like!

Kohaku: Good work out there… Coulja hurry up an’ fill me in on what’s goin’ on now?

Hiyori: Certainly, let's have a little stroll as we chat. Now's a good time after all that hard work and I'm starving, so let's find a nice shop that serves the local specialties ♪

Jun: Seriously? We don't have to go outta our way to find some local food. I mean, it's all the same once it's in your stomach~

Hiyori: That's no way to think! The true joy of travelling comes from being able to try all the food! And if something would make a splendid shot, we can get the cameras rolling again too, you see?

Jun: Well, I guess if it's for the sake of filming, then you can't really just grab a riceball from a random cornerstore, huh.

Kohaku: That’s nice an’ all, but I’m wonderin’ about those idols from Kyushu. They’ve got pretty scary looks on their faces… Is it all right fer us t’leave ‘em be?

They’ve been keepin’ their distance and tailin’ us for a while now.

Hiyori: Ahaha. It'd be good if you could all introduce yourselves to each other and get along. After all, Kohaku-kun, those fellows are in Double Face, just like you ♪

Kohaku: Like I said, I’ve never seen ‘em in my life.

Hiyori: Is that so? What I heard was that Madara-kun gathered them together as partners to perform in prelims together—

Though thinking it over, the guerilla live Madara-kun held here in Shikoku was as MaM.

Whatever was that for? I had been wondering if he'd participate in SS, but...

Jun: Hmm... The way everything I'm hearing seems to be at odds with each other, I can't imagine them lining up in any way.

Kohaku: Ain’t that right. Once we catch Madara-han an’ grill him ‘bout what he’s been schemin’, I’m sure everything’ll be a lot clearer.

Hiyori: That's precisely why we've got our "Paradise on Earth" travel show, you see!

By broadcasting this show all over the country, surely we'll draw some kind of reaction out of Madara-kun and Ibara.

Kohaku: Haha… Yeah, ya might be able to lure Madara-han out if ya broadcast a program he’s interested in—

Just like how the Kyushu idols an’ I sprung t’action when Madara-han started doin’ guerilla lives.

Hiyori: Indeed. Madara-kun is sure to do the same thing. Once he learns that there's a group out there doing things under the name of Double Face, he'll be hard-pressed to ignore it.

Kohaku: I reckon so. If I were in the same situation, watchin’ a program like this in Osaka, I’d fly over to check out the situation.

Or at the very least, I’d try t’contact the other people on the program — in this case, Eve — through HoldHands or somethin’.

Hiyori: Yes, yes. And I mean, Ibara and Nagisa-kun are both working together with Madara-kun.

If they found out that we were out and about in Shikoku, rather than staying on standby at the ryokan — why, I'm sure they'd at least send us a message.

So either way, they'll be sure to take some form of action. Now all that's left to do is wait and see if they'll find us themselves or drop us a line, yes?

And as a bonus, we get to enjoy ourselves on a trip! This is a much better use of our time instead of staying cooped up in that ryokan, isn't it?

All the same, thanks to the Secret Order Nagisa-kun received, we won't be able to refuse any helper request from another unit.

Jun: Yep. After all, we were on standby waiting for that since no one can say when we'll get one of those requests.

Hiyori: But now, since we're in the middle of taking on such a request from another unit, we can turn down any others that come in.

And if the act of 'refusing' is what the Secret Order catches us out on, then we can simply ask them to wait until we're done with this request.

Either way, for as long as we do this travel show, we'll have nothing to worry about when it comes to both Nagisa-kun's Secret Order or helper requests, and we can just do as we please.

Jun: Ohhh, I get it. So when it comes to this travel show thing and helping out with those Double Face guys, we're doing it all under the name of Eden, huh?

Hiyori: That's right! Hmm? Didn't I explain all that?

Jun: Well, you kinda implied it, but your explanations always fall a step short, Ohii-san.

Hiyori: It doesn't matter when everything's working out so well, no? You silly-billies can just keep your heads empty, your mouths shut and follow along after me! Ahaha ♪

Jun: Ngh... It actually is working out pretty well, so I can't even say anything to that.

Kohaku: Haha. You’re actin’ like Madara-han an’ Rinne-han, but I just can’t seem t’hate ya, Hiyori-han. I wonder why that is?

Hiyori: Well, no surprise there! After all, I'm beloved wherever I go! Throughout heaven and earth, I alone reign supreme!

Ibara: Jun! Your Highness…!

Kohaku: …!?

Jun: Woah, what the hell!? Y-You showed up way sooner than we expected, Ibara...

Hiyori: Heheh~ ♪ Would you look at that! Isn't it just as I said? Air a show that'll catch their interest and both Ibara and Madara-kun shall take the bait—

Kohaku: Hm? You were right ‘bout that, but I don’t see Madara-han. Vice Prez-han, weren’t cha workin’ with that dumbass of mine?

Ibara: …GODDAMN!

Jun: Didja just steal my catchphrase!?

Hiyori: Ahaha. Good friends tend to borrow each other's favourite sayings, don't they? Almost like having an inside joke.

Ibara: This isn’t the time to be dawdling around! Your Highness Hiyori, Jun— leave this place right this instant! Shikoku isn’t safe…!

Hiyori: Shikoku isn't exactly a dangerous place, though, is it? You can't go around shouting things like that at the airport, Ibara! Watch your words!

Ibara: …I’m unsure as to why you’re here, Oukawa-shi, but I’d like for you to stay. There’s something I must ask you.

Kohaku: Oh, uh… Lemme give ya the long an’ short of it. I came here t’look for Madara-han—

Ibara: Yes, Mikejima-shi! He’s the issue here!

That bastard betrayed me…! He secretly joined hands with my great-uncle, started scheming with him, and is now trying to use SS as an opportunity to climb the ladder!

Kohaku: …?

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Translation Note:

1. Hiyori says 天上天下唯我独尊, which according to Buddhist legend is the quote said by Shakkyumi, founder of Buddhism, right after his birth as he took seven steps about, pointing at heaven with his right hand and at earth with his left.

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[ahiddenpath]

Coping Skills: Taking Care of Yourself with Creativity

I have talked a ton about what practicing your coping skills means as I learned that myself during therapy from early 2019- late 2020 (I went to learn how to manage my anxiety disorder).  But as the pandemic draaaaags on, as we deal with the extended trauma of worrying about covid, intense routine disruption, loss of jobs, getting sick, and losing loved ones, many of us struggle to continue taking care of ourselves with our coping skills.

So I’m corralling all the stuff I’ve learned on the topic in one place, beneath the cut.

Note: this post is purely about using creativity to take care of yourself, not about boosting productivity or refining skills.

What are Coping Skills

For the purpose of this post, coping skills are how we refill our cup after the work day/day of taking care of other people drains our cup to the last drop.  If you live in a capitalistic country, especially America, which offers next to nothing in support for its citizens, then you know what I’m talking about.  A few years of working often more than 40 hours/week and being lucky to have sick days and vacation days...  It does stuff to you, dude.  Consciously taking care of yourself is vital, but...  I wasn’t taught how to do that or what that looks like until I started therapy.

Here’s what I learned:

-The opposite of work (the job where you make money) is not rest (vegging out in front of the TV, lying in bed, staring at social media)

Just to get this out of the way, vegging out isn’t inherently bad.  Everyone does it sometimes, and if you’re relishing it, then go for it!  (And obviously, everyone needs to sleep- DO NOT decrease your sleep time, it’s literally the MOST important aspect of physical health- read this book from your local library, I beg you).

However.

When I started therapy, I told my therapist how I used to create constantly.  I write, sing, play guitar, draw, and dabble in other things.  But for a while before therapy, I lacked the energy to engage in my hobbies.  I spent most of my precious not-at-work time engaged in passive pursuits, like surfing the internet- and feeling just as exhausted when I woke up for work the next day as I did when I returned from work the previous night.

My therapist starting assigning me homework that was really sneaky art projects (”You can just write this down if you prefer, but it helps to visualize it...  Maybe you could paint it as a tree?”).  When the tasks were assigned, I had a deadline to push me into doing them.  I dragged my abandoned art supplies out and painted, drew, wrote, all of it.

I was as exhausted as ever when I started working on the assignments.  After some fumbling, I was focused and happy while working on them.  It wasn’t until I was showing off what I made to my therapist, with no mention of the fatigue I complained of the previous sessions, and saw her grinning that I understood what she was doing!

The opposite of work isn’t rest.  It’s play!  

Play looks vastly different for different people.  For some, it’s partying and social activity.  For others, it’s sports and physical activity.  For me, it’s creating.  When I’m creating, my brain lights up, my mind and emotions are engaged, I feel excited by the possibilities of what I’m making and the satisfaction of creating something for me.  The important thing is to find what makes you excited and fulfilled, and do it.  

For me, creating releases the pressure in my head.  I visualize my brain when I’m not creating as an old timey boiler, swollen with steam pressure that can’t get out.  Creating is my way of turning a valve to let the pressure out.  I literally cannot take care of myself without doing this regularly.

How to Play When You are Exhausted

Okay, so here’s the thing.  Even if you know that engaging in your hobby is vital to refilling your cup and taking care of yourself, you might struggle to do it!  This isn’t because humans are contrary; it’s because we’re depleted.  I spent my first few therapy sessions like this:  “I’m so exhausted, I can only stare at screens, even though I don’t really enjoy that.”  “What do you like to do?  You need to make that part of your daily routine.”  “I JUST SAID I’M TOO TIRED!!!”  And back and forth, until a mixture of my therapist’s assignments and my own desire to move forward pushed me to create, even if I was tired.

Often, starting an activity is the hardest part.  When you’re exhausted, worn down from years of never having adequate time to take care of yourself, your brain pushes against starting an activity with the old standbys:  I’m too tired.  I haven’t done that in so long, I’ll be terrible at it.  I don’t have any inspiration, anyway.  And on and on, until it’s suddenly bedtime.  There’s this... vicious cycle of being too exhausted to create, then being more exhausted because you aren’t filling your cup by creating, and on and on forever.  Breaking out of this can feel impossible.

For me, the most effective technique is to create daily for a period of time, with absolutely no concern about quantity, quality, or any audience besides yourself.  The point is to show up every day and do the thing, with the simple goal of taking care of yourself.  And if you’re someone with multiple creative hobbies, you can swap between them!  Not feeling writing today?  No problem, I’ll draw.  Don’t wanna draw?  I’ve got a voice and a guitar.  And if I’m really not feeling it, I can read- which always juices me up to write.  The key is to do it daily, for whatever time increment you can comfortably manage, in the name of refilling your cup.

For me, routine is the key thing.  If you find yourself mulling over whether you will create today or not, you’ve already lost!  If I plan a 20 minute writing session, I can easily spend 30 minutes arguing back and forth with myself over whether I should actually do it!  I’ve learned through experience that it’s so much faster and more satisfying to routinely sit for the session than to waffle over it.  

It takes time to really learn that, though- it’s one of those things you have to experience to absorb.  Don’t feel bad if it’s a struggle for a while!

Are You Creating for the Right Reasons?

In my early 20s, I genuinely believed that all the creative stuff I did was...  Sort of a stretch goal?  Extra credit?  Like, “Wow, I work a demanding job, but I still managed to write x number of words and make y number of drawings!”  I didn’t realize that I was lovingly taking care of myself by creating, and I’m not sure if I was mature enough to value that, regardless.  As a 90s kid who grew up with parents expecting me to excel across the board (academics, sports, creative pursuits, behavior, all of it), I saw the numbers I generated and felt proud of that.  I was making stuff!  More stuff than most people!  I wasn’t goofing off in my spare time!  I was *Excelling*!  

Yikes.  I think many people my age (Millennials) were explicitly taught to think this way as kids.  But as an adult, there are no...  You know, “whoever read the most books gets a prize!”  “Whoever ran the fastest gets a ribbon!”  You just, uh, try to get a job, pay the bills, and grasp for happiness in the slivers of time in between.  Your hobby isn’t something you should be trying to win.  I’d encourage you not to morph it into some kind of... competition with no one.

If you post what you make online, you might feel another pressure: to release content on a regular schedule or otherwise engage with your audience.  You might also feel pressure to make something you think your audience will enjoy, even if you’re not super into it.  Or maybe you joined some kind of online challenge, like Nanowrimo or Inktober.

Assuming that creating is your hobby, not your livelihood (I don’t have any experience with that), I would gently encourage you to create in a way that brings you happiness, not stress.  It doesn’t really matter how many words you write or finished art pieces you make.  What matters is the time you spent creating, refilling your cup and focusing your energies to make something that matters to you.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to produce lots of content, though, and there’s nothing wrong with events like Nanowimo or Inktober!  In fact, I like them!  Just remember to take care of yourself, not punish yourself with something you’re supposed to enjoy.

My personal perspective is that, as a hobbyist, I create to take care of myself.  My “create time” is a little daily date with myself to do something I love.  That’s all this is, which sounds so simple...  But for me, it’s literally the difference between feeling like a depleted zombie and like a reasonably happy and fulfilled human.  Wild, right?

In Summary:

-Coping skills are how we refill our cup

-The opposite of work is play, not vegging out

-Daily timed sessions are a great way to make taking care of yourself through your hobbies happen.  Even fifteen minutes can give you some pep!

-If I may, I encourage you to try creating with the sole goal of taking care of yourself

I know I’ve said this several different ways, but our lives are set up in such a way that enjoying the things we love can feel impossible.  I often see people say things like, “Don’t put pressure on yourself to engage in your hobby!  Take care of yourself!”  To me, this is utterly backwards- our hobbies, aka our coping skills, are crucial to self care.  But with our entire lives organized around preparing for work as students and working as adults, hobbies are often seen as... a pressure?  Another darn thing to fit into the cracks?  Something that takes time away from surviving work and accomplishing the absolute basics, like feeding ourselves?    

Funny how something so crucial to our happiness is often the first thing to be dropped in the name of “taking care of ourselves.”

That said, it is so easy to morph hobbies into yet another pressure (see the “Are you creating for the right reasons” section), but doing the thing that makes you happy is vital to taking care of yourself.  The important thing is engaging with it in a low stress way, with the goal of self care.

We need to take care of ourselves now more than ever, and I wish you all the best in learning what that looks like for you.

[writella]

Around and Around and Around

Pairing: Luke Patterson x reader

Requested? Yes! My first finished request! Thank you for the idea anon. Original ask: Could you do a present day... Alive!Luke x reader fic where him and his girlfriend (the reader) are just trying to spend some alone time together at one of Carrie’s parties? (I’m so sorry I didn’t make it Carrie’s party anon, I forgot.)

Summary: It’s a New Years Eve bash! The gangs all there, but the only thing Luke wants to do is spend time with his girlfriend. Unfortunately though, his friends constantly need their help which causes them to lose each other in the crowd. Around and around and around they constantly go... Can Luke meet up with her in time for a New Years Kiss? We shall see, my friends. We shall see.

Word Count: :)

Warnings: Kissing? Two curse words? I don’t think any of that counts. Oh! Over explaining? Neediness? An over use of the same words?

A/N: Hello everyone! IT IS A CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEARS MIRACLE! I finally finished a new fic. I really hope you enjoy it. I think I did a little too much, but this request just got my head turning and included the whole gang, so I just couldn’t help but give them all their own little moments! I had fun and I hope you do too. I’m taking you on a bit of a rollercoaster here, I will admit, but don’t worry though, I think I gave it a good ending.... You tell me.

“Y/N!”

“Y/N?”

“Luke?”

“Where are you?”

“Luuuke!”

“Luke!

“LUKE, COME LOOK!”

“Y/N, I need you.”

“Her shoe broke!”

“Luke, did you see his dog? It’s so cute! And he even likes pizza!”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to give pizza to a dog, Reg.”

“Well it wasn’t chocolate… Wait where’d he go? Wanna help me find him?”

“Well can she wear yours? Do you have an extra pair?”

“Where are they?”

Hey, Luke?!” 

“Y/N?!”

Boom the bedroom door slammed shut, and an out of breath Luke and his girlfriend, Y/N, filed in with a sigh: “Finally,” Luke said, his eyebrows and the corner of his lips rising with excitement. Throughout the hour and forty minus they had spent at the party thus far, they had found corners, almost empty areas, and even tall trees in the backyard, but none were as private as this. 

Still standing close to the door, Y/N looked around the walls that glittered with posters of rock bands and athletes. “Do you really think we should be in here? It is the birthday person’s room. Maybe we should be nice and leave it alone.” 

“When you throw a party you get what you get,” Luke reasoned, a hint of humor tracing throughout his words. “People travel, and we’re not going to do anything crazy on the kid’s blue basketball sheets if that’s what you’re worried about.” He ended, teasing Nick, the party host. 

She softly gave him an ‘alright,’ waiting for him to make his next move. Though they had been thrown around by their friends plenty of times by now tonight, the night was still young, and she knew Luke was adamant on spending time with her. Even more so, it was her first party after living in Los Angeles for almost a year now. (She was a Molina from Julie’s father’s side.) Back home she didn’t have the friend group that she had now, nor did she have someone like Luke specifically in her life as a significant other. After all this time in high school not experiencing these regular social events, a party— especially at this large of a house— seemed daunting, but as always Luke made it seem, as he always does, like it was the most spectacular adventure you couldn’t miss. Apprehension and excitement filled her spirit for what was to come of tonight. 

Following his gaze as she watched him survey the room, Luke’s eyes fell most notably on Nick’s guitars. “God, I wish I had this many.” 

“He definitely has the collection,” Y/N agreed,  still wondering what they were going to do, “but you’ve got like four, right?”

“Half of those were Bobby’s, and the acoustic is the one my parents got me… way back when, so really I only scrounged up enough money once in my life for one electric of my own.”

“So two. Still more than most.” She gave him a sympathetic smile, messing up his hair a little bit while doing so. He rubbed his head into her palm, enjoying the feeling.

There was a wonder in his eyes as he looked at the guitar rack that Y/N found quite charming. “Can’t believe he could spend all his time with these babies and he decides to balance it with sports.”

“I guess we all have our hobbies… but honestly I can’t believe we’re using this moment to ourselves to stare at guitars.” She laughs, “I’m just saying! This is what you wanted!” She corrects herself, “They are beautiful guitars though.”

“Yeah, you’re right. One of them could barge in any minute now,” Luke says, moving closer to Y/N till her back leans against the door. His fingers trace her jaw, then the side of her neck, ending as he swirled one finger around the tips of her hair. “And I could be looking at a much prettier sight.”

“Stop,” she blushed. Y/N was fine with tending to all her friends needs. She enjoyed being the first one Julie, Flynn, and now even Alex or Reggie went to for advice or help. Besides running the jatp social media account and co-running their YouTube page, making her friends feel better was what made her feel needed, but she had to admit, she liked this too. 

As they traveled backwards to the door, Luke pecked her lips a few times, then the corners of her mouth, then doing both again making her giggle and move her head to either side his lips fell. Finally, he moved centimeters back, looking in her eyes, ghosting her lips, “Stop doin’ what? Tellin’ the truth?” 

The rosy color on her face became more prominent. Her eyes traced between his own emeralds and his smile— his face made her mind fill with wonder. It was so bright, so positive, so warm, so close to her own. She could stay there with him, looking at her so endearingly, forever.

“Y/N?!” 

“Ow!” she screeched as Flynn pushed the door open on her leaning stance, bopping her head on the wood. 

“Oh my god, sorry!” Flynn gritting her teeth with worry, a fist coming to cover her mouth. “So yeah, ha ha,” the girl tried to build some relief, “Well there you two are!”

Luke grabbed the side of Y/N’s head, placing his hand over her own that covered where the impact landed, “You okay?” 

“Yeah…” She sighed, she was more concerned about whatever Flynn had to say. 

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere. I need you, like for real this time.” Flynn said, her voice filled with urgency. 

“Haven’t you needed her and looked for her ‘like’ everywhere three times tonight already?” Luke argued, a little disgruntled that their first truly private moment got interrupted in the matter of minutes.

“Was I talking to you, Patterson?” Flynn retorted, head tilted with a closed smirk on her face. “No, the answer is no.”

“You didn’t have to say the answer, okay? Got the gist.” His movements became dorkier by the second, his fingers coming to his face. “It was rhetorical- I knew that!” 

“Wow, learned that big boy word from your girlfriend?”

“Big boy?! I- That’s not even-“ before Luke went on, Y/N cut in: “Alright,” she lifted her hand, “What happened, Flynn? What do you need?”

“It’s Julie-“

“Don’t tell me she broke another shoe. I don’t have an extra-extra pair.”

“No.” Flynn’s eyes widened, “I actually- I don’t know what it is. She just told me to get you and come to her together.” The girl sighed, “She looked sad.” 

“Oh,” Y/N said, a frown coming to her face. A sad Julie is a Julie that should never be in this world. Other than thinking about the absence of her mother, Y/N’s cousin knew how to smile even when things got tough, so if she was feeling down now, and it was evident, it must’ve been important. 

“Yeah. So come? Like now?” Flynn grabbed Y/N’s hand and Y/N looked at her own opposite hand that was currently attached to Luke’s, trailing her eyes up to his face. 

“Well, I’ll just go too.” He insisted, “I want to help Julie, and,” He spoke directly to Y/N, “I don’t mind.”

“She didn’t ask for you.” Flynn snapped back. 

“It’ll be fine.” Y/N decided, “It’s not like we all don’t know her well anyway, right?”

“Yeah, let's go. And then we can just get back, hopefully. I want to spend tonight with you.” Luke said that last part more softly, but apparently not quietly enough. 

“Oh god!” Flynn vexed. “Haven’t you spent all week stuck to her mouth?”  Through snickers she said, “Let her come up for some air, bruv.” Then, letting go of Y/N's hand as she turns, leading the couple to the staircase, she continued: “And really you should be relaxing all those throat muscles or whatever. I've got you in two open mic night cafes next week and that kids party at the restaurant tomorrow, AND on Sunday Julie said she wanted to record that new song for the YouTube channel.” She slapped the side of her hand to the inside of the other, creating a chopping effect, “We got things to do! I’m trying to make sure you guys stay safe and have fun, but we shouldn’t be here all night.”

Luke rolled his eyes, as much as he loved playing, he hated being bossed around like this. “It's New Year’s Eve!” He complained, yet there was still a hint of playfulness in his voice. “Mind you, this is being said by the girl who agreed to DJ at this party.”

“I didn’t agree! I got reeled into it— Difference, see! This kid comes out of nowhere to bring me onto his home stage— man, he’s rich—- and asks me if I could change the tracks, put something fun on. How am I supposed to say no? It is his birthday and everything that was on before was terrible!”

“That we can agree on,” Luke noted with a laugh.

Y/N added on, after her long silence of listening to the two go back and forth, “You finally got everyone dancing.”

“I did! Thank you!” Flynn appreciated the acknowledgment, especially from Luke, but nonetheless, she persists on her earlier claim, “That being said, I really think we should leave by 10.”

“10?!” Luke repeats with annoyance. “Tomorrow’s gig starts at six. PM. And might I remind you again: it's freakin New Years Eve! We have to stay till the ball drops!”

“We have to practice one last time and we have to get there bef-“

“Alright, alright, boss.” Luke was done arguing (for the time being.) Instead his eyes followed Y/N’s who was no longer listening, bored of her best friend and boyfriend’s little fighting game, as they looked for Julie in the clusters of kids all around the room on the main floor. “Let’s just look for Jules so we can get back. And can we make it to midnight at the least? Please? I mean, come on, there no food at the Molina house to celebrate with and you were having fun up there with those turntables.” He started to smile cheekily at Flynn, “Don’t deny it.”

Flynn took in a sharp breath as she thought. Nick did have access to some sick equipment and has always been so kind enough to share, so it would be fun to play around some more. “We’ll see how I feel at 11. And by the way, we do have things to celebrate with at the garage. I bought stuff specifically so you guys wouldn’t complain when we left,” she went on, the three taking another turn, “We’re going to have some fun here till 10, or 11 I guess, get back to the garage, celebrate New Years— woo-hoo!— and then you guys are settled down by 12:15, 30 the latest. I don’t care if you’re not asleep, just not outside.” Seeing Luke’s face rise up again she defends herself,  “It's not my fault you phantoms have terrible time management skills! You guys literally have transportation powers and you’re either late or not present. It’s crazy! I need to make sure you’re there and we get paid. Period.”

Luke suppressed a grunt as Y/N rubbed his shoulders, laughing a bit at the truth of Flynn’s statement. 

Then, to console Luke, she whispered in his ear, “No matter where we are, I’ll be there. Plan still intact.” 

“True.” Luke whispered back, rubbing his nose on the side of her head. 

Luke liked his freedom. He was used to calling the shots when it came to the band, only taking on co-captain position as Julie challenged him with just as much leadership star power as he contained. This made Flynn appointing herself as band manager not something to be desired exactly, especially when she made decisions like this on their down time. He didn’t quite enjoy being told where to go and when, but on the other hand, he couldn’t help to admit to himself that the tech savvy skills both her and Y/N brought to the table were tremendously helpful. The 90s boy was used to walking around town trying to find the next cafe for the guys to play at that he didn’t know how easy it was in this digital world to find venues he never even heard of through the internet. This made him never forget to say thank you after a gig she or Y/N would find from their endless online searchings. And on Flynn’s end, she never forgot to commend Luke on his writing skills when he happened to be the scribe for one of the band’s songs she happened to enjoy, but other than that, they did not have that much to say to each other. 

Despite the natural banter and quips  that would suggest they were well acquainted, they were actually still quite awkward. Luke was used to admiring her relationship with Julie and Y/N from afar, and for Flynn, after the boys came back to life she didn’t know exactly how to fit herself into the group. Of course she was a part of it, Y/N made certain of it as she herself had also felt strange about her placement in Julie’s new friend group before Julie formally introduced her to them, not knowing that her cousin could also see ghost like she could, but overall, Flynn felt just the tiniest bit embarrassed that the boys she once called ‘cute ghosts’-- more than twice-- heard her say that and all the other things she’d say not knowing they were around (Julie told her they could sometimes snoop in unbeknownst to even her at times. ‘They don’t know boundaries,’ she would say.) Flynn especially felt this way when one of those ex-ghosts was Luke who knew he was ‘cute,’  as she once said, and would bother her about it endlessly when he was first able to communicate with her. 

Were they friends? Or was it simply that Luke was just a friend of her friends and that Flynn was just the friend of his girlfriend and mutual friend. Neither of them knew where their relationship stood. This caused Flynn to use her wit as a defense mechanism or to only begin a conversation with the guy when it was about something band related. ‘You kind of act like siblings,’ Y/N would tell them when they were at it. Both of them gawked at the word. ‘Siblings?!’

Around another corner the three went, passing the open space below the home stage that was being used as a dance floor. They went to the room adjacent to it. It was another rather large area, though this one was filled with more furniture, a lot in fact, perhaps to make space for the makeshift dance area. There was also an unused fireplace which caught the eyes of Y/N who yanked on the connected hand of Luke’s and then Flynn to take notice of who sat on the ledge. 

The water bunching up in her eyes sparked white from the room's fluorescent gleaming lights, making her tears look much bigger and shinier. It made the group feel bad they didn’t find her sooner. 

“Julie!” They all exclaimed in unison though Luke’s reaction was filled with the most apparent fret: the glow of the lights and his wide eye expression showed clearly how his eyes were growing greener with questions and worry. “What happened?” He tried to ask softly, not knowing how to react to her tears. The attempt at softness then immediately changed into one of starting frustration as he sat down next to his poor bandmate, hand on her knee, looking toward Flynn, “Why didn’t you tell us she was like this?” 

“Because she wasn’t like this when I left!” Flynn countered, coming to sit down next to Julie on her left side as Luke had taken the right. 

“Why do you always-“

“Enough guys,” Y/N silenced them for the third time that night. She noticed how Julie was shying away from both of their faces, not wanting to show them her tears. Julie was strong; a fighter; she sometimes much rather fake out her friends by smiling through her problems before she was ready to talk about them. Y/N knew all of this, related to it in fact, and could sense the possible embarrassment she must’ve been feeling. Not only did she create a movie moment for herself by being the girl crying at a party, but she was crying in front of her friends, when she was typically the person who tried to inspire hope, for she was the front man of her own band after all. 

Y/N could also sense— guessing by the way she mostly was turning her face from Luke— that it was a boy problem. Not that Luke’s jittery expression, or close proximity to her face was helping her open up either. 

Luke was trying to work on being more helpful in moments where his friends were in tears, but sometimes he could be a little too aggressive, or ‘extra,’ as Flynn would put it and Alex would agree, adding the new slang term to his vocabulary. 

Y/N took a seat in front of her on the ground, rubbing her friend's arm. “It’s okay, Jules. Nobody cares what you look like. You can tell us.” 

“I know, it’s just-“ she sucked her teeth, looking up, head still tilted to Flynn’s side. “It’s stupid.”

 “No ones going to judge you,” Y/N promised, pointing her head to Luke’s direction for Julie to see. 

“Yeah, and I bet it’s not ‘stupid’ anyway.” Flynn added.

“Nothings stupid if it made you cry, Jules.” Luke chimed in, finally agreeing with Flynn on something for the second time this night. “Who was it? I’ll beat them up for you.” He joked.

“Oh my god, no!” Julie tittered just a little while trying to wipe away all her tears. “And please never say something like that again. You sound like a dad.”

“Well he is supposed to be like 40 or something,” Flynn said, making the both of her best friends laugh. Julie specifically shook her head at this moment of Flynn and Luke’s typical banter, it was the first time she was getting a whiff of it tonight. Although she appreciated the entertainment they brought when in a room together, she agreed with Y/N that they were relentless. 

Luke let that one go, seeing how it finally brought a smile to the girl’s face, “There she is.”

Julie rolled her eyes at him, sighing as her fit of giggles passed, “Okay,” she started slowly, “Well... it was Nick… and I know it’s stupid-“

“-Not stupid.” Her friends finished.

“But you know, he invited me to this party. Directly! Said he wanted to hang out- to dance. When we came, the party just started so he had to say hi to people, that made sense, and he told me to stay near the main floor, so I waited. And then my shoe broke, and then some girl spilled some of that fondue on the bottom of my dress which I had to get out with bathroom wipes, so that was annoying. Then next thing you know it’s an hour later and all I’ve done is eat pizza and watch Flynn at the turntables…”

Julie went on. She explained that finally Nick showed up again , but as he was walking to her, Carrie had just arrived at the party, stopping him in his tracks. Apparently her gift was too heavy to bring inside, so she wanted to take him to her car to show him right then and there. “He said he’d be five minutes tops. Told me to come here by the fireplace, so again, I waited. Then five minutes turned into fifteen, so I got up.” She sidetracked, “That’s not me. Just sitting there, waiting, waiting, waiting. I felt dumb. That's when I walked to the backyard to see what was going on out there, find something to do after all this time, but funny enough that’s where I found Nick and Carrie, laughing, dancing, having a great time.” She wipes a new stray tear, “I decided to look for you,” she nodded to Y/N, “And it’s no offense Flynn, you know I love you, it’s just that I didn’t want to hear you tell me that ‘he’s not worth it’ at the moment.” She gave herself a pity laugh, “I’m currently feeling a little bad for myself as you can see.” 

“I’m so sorry Julie.” Y/N started. “But Flynn only tells you the facts like that because she thinks you’re so worthy of more.” 

“So much more,” Flynn added on, moving closer to Julie.

 “But I get it, it's not fair.” consoled Y/N. “I try to always consider his actions in those instances with Carrie as him just being a pacifist, but if he said he wanted to be with you and continuously told you he would, then he should’ve been here.”

“Agreed, but also, being a pacifist doesn’t mean to always stay quiet though, you can find a way to keep the peace and still do what’s right.” Luke spoke up. “He shouldn’t let Carrie always take him away like that.”

Y/N gave Luke a smile, “Insightful.”

“Strangely,” Flynn chimed in, “but exactly right. Not to mention how it’s not fair— no matter how nice he is— for him to just let Carrie keep saying whatever the hell she wants without calling her out.” 

“I just feel like I shouldn’t be so beat up. It is his birthday after all. He can do what he wants.” Muttered Julie.

“No!” Y/N told her. “You feel like you wasted your time, I get that! It’s his birthday, but your feelings are still important.” 

“Also,” Luke started, “Julie, I mean, come on! You could do so much better. So what? He’s like 18 now? Well I’m 18 now too, supposed to be 40 something apparently and I look like this! This! Compared to Nick?  Julie… girl!” He stated her name again, smiled wide, “I know Molina’s have better taste than that. Not to say what you didn’t want to hear, but, it’s true: he’s not worth it. Period.” He mimicked Flynn with the last word. 

Both Flynn and Julie gagged, “Oh my god,” they said in union. Y/N just put her face in her hands.

“You were actually doing well, and then you just go and screw it up like that?” Flynn sighed. 

“Now you went from a dad to sounding like a whole ratty teenage boy.” She rolled her eyes teasingly, trying to conceal her laughter at his conceited remark, “Disgusting.”

“Well as long as I got you to stop crying, that’s all that matters anyway.” He laughed goofily, invading her personal space once again. 

“Yeah,” Julie realized with a contented sigh. It seemed all the company she really needed was her friends. 

“Well, I think the only thing to do now is make up for all that time wasted, huh?”  Y/N spoke with a smirk. “If he doesn’t want to be your dance partner, it looks like you’re going to have to take on three instead.” 

“Fuck yeah,” Luke said, jumping up, grabbing Y/N and Julie’s hands and running to the dance floor.

Flynn called to the group, as she parted from them, heading to the stage, “Lemme change the song!” 

“OOOH!” Luke roared as the ooos and aahs of Donna and the Dynamos filled the room. “One of the best things to come out of the 2000s!” 

Julie and Y/N laughed at the surprisingly grand amount of love Luke had for Mamma Mia! 

Luke imitated the hustle, sticking his tongue out,  shaking his hips, and making Y/N dance along with him, moving around Julie who looked at them incredulously. 

“Come oooon,” he said to Julie’s direction, “Nobody can NOT like this song.” And after that Julie gave in, agreeing that a Mamma Mia and ABBA song was too good not to dance to. Flynn came up right behind her, making the dancing trio into a group of four. 

From jumping, to slides and shoulder grooves, and even forming their own little dancing circle the four lived in the song, seeing the last of Julie’s worry wash away as the speakers blasted the words “Dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen,” to which Julie’s friends made sure to spotlight her on as their hands sprinkled up and down spirit fingers as she twirled, enjoying her title that fit perfectly with her age. 

“Thanks guys,” Julie smiled sweetly, still jumping to the beat.

“WOOOO!” Luke hollered into the crowd, taking Y/N’s hand, swaying and jumping with her exclusively now. 

“WOO!” She yelled back.

“LOUDER, LOUDER!” He yelled in her face, shaking his head, his hair imitating a lion’s mane as he gritted his teeth, getting closer to her face. 

“WOOOOO!” She yelled, trying to match her boyfriend’s energy. 

“YES, Y/N. WOOO!” They kept jumping and he spun her around, letting her twirl into his grasp. He held her closer, one arm tightly around her waist while the other still held her hand, stepping and swaying side to side in a fast pace in order to keep up with the quick musical tune. Her laughs of surprisement to his actions filled him with pride. She was usually so focused on making her friends smile, she could sometimes forget to just have fun for herself. She dropped anything to tend to their needs, which is why tonight was important. At her first party he was going to make her smile and have fun, and that ended with a New Year’s kiss. Hopefully, he could find a way to hide from Flynn— and his friends for that matter— till that time to make it happen. 

Finally the song died down and a rush of endorphins filled the floor as almost everyone in the area, even those who typically didn’t dance joined along to the jumping motion the four started at the beginning of the song. “Should I change it?” Flynn asked Julie as the next song started, noticing how different the vibe of this song was from the last: slower, more romantic.

“No,” Julie told Flynn as she watched Luke take his arms closer into Y/N’s sides, “Let’s let them have their moment.”

Y/N arms went around Luke’s neck, and his arms wrapped around her waist, pulling each other closer while swaying in a circular motion. He connected their foreheads. His eyes fixated on her own. They were so gentle, so sweet, so comforting, he felt safe looking in them. He could stay that way forever.

“Luke?”

Luke sighed, once again just minutes of feeling release ruined. “Yeah, bud?” It was Alex. 

“I’m sorry to bother you, but this kid Reginald-“ 

“Don’t tell me he lost the dog again. I don’t want to look for it.”

“It’s not the dog! Well, not this time. I think he’s finally realized that we can’t take it home with us. It’s-“ Alex started snickering which then turned into great belly laughs he couldn’t stop, “I just- I can’t- I can’t- just please,” he had no control. “Please I need your help!”

“What the hell, Alex?”

“Just-“ Alex put his hand over his mouth, trying to conceal his laughs. He motioned Luke with his other hand, walking away. 

Luke kept his hand in Y/N’s, bringing her along with him, “I don’t want to get split up again, like last time with the dog.”

“It’s not the dog!” Alex exclaimed, still laughing. 

The three were now on the right side of the house, near the pool door that also stood to the right and in the area sat a couch and pool table. The wall on the left side had a small vent near the floor which is where they found Reggie, hip deep in the square hole.

“HELLO!” Reggie wagged his butt, for his friends to see, “Did you bring Luke?”

“Yeah!” Alex answered “Do you see now? He’s stuck!”

“How and why?!” Y/N asked, now joining in with Alex’s uncontrollable laughter as Reggie kept shaking his butt. Quickly Luke couldn’t help himself either.

“No! Y/N is here?” Reggie asked, “Y/N I’m so sorry you have to see me like this. I haven’t been doing my squats recently. I know I don’t look in the best of shape-“

“I think that’s the last thing I’m worried about, Reg,” Y/N said, still losing her breath along with Alex who yelled an incredulous ‘what?!’ at his words. 

“No one cares about your glutes, bro.” Luke shook his head, laughing with the two. 

“Well I do!” Reggie fought back. “I don’t wear these skinny jeans for nothing!”

Alex’s laughter from Reggie’s wackiness turned into one of apprehension. “Well there are more important things to worry about! Like my date being almost two hours late and also how I don’t even know what to say to him because I haven’t seen him in like two months and it's New Year’s Eve and yeah, okay, okay- Stop shaking your ass!”

“Okay,” Y/N held his shoulders, still losing her breath, “Willie is going to come, alright?  It'll be fine, but-“

“Let’s deal with gluteus minimus first.” Luke finished.

“That’s not even-“

“I don’t care.” Luke finished for Alex this time. “I’ll take the right leg, Alex, take the left. Pull!”

Ow! Ow! Ow!” Reggie yelped.

“PULL!”

“Ow! Stop!” 

“It’s going to hurt till we get you out, Reg” Alex explained. “And why isn’t Y/N helping?”

“Oh, sorry,” She was caught up in the hysterics. 

“Oh that’s right,” Luke noticed. “Take the right, I’ll hold onto his feet and pull from the back. On three. 1, 2, 3, PULL!”

“WAIT!” Reggie yelled.

“WHAT?” Alex yelled back.

“Luke said on three, but you pulled at ‘pull’, or really after pull, so is it really ‘on three’ or do you want it to be ‘on pull’ or ‘after three’ or ‘after pull’?”

Alex shook his head, “Does it matter?!”

Reggie’s voice cracked, “Just asking!”

“Okay, ON pull!” Luke clarified, “1,2,3, PULL”

“NO! WAIT!”

“WHAT?!” The three pullers yelled. 

“I felt a tear in my jacket, I love this jacket.”

“Oh god,” the boys complained.

“I think it’s just going to have to tear for us to get you out,” Y/N told him. 

“But you gave it to me!” Y/N heard the sadness in his voice. It was a brown leather jacket with long strands of fringe on either side. She thought it went perfectly with his banjo and love for country music. It also had big inside pockets that could hold all his little treasures, and whatever he had in his pocket today is probably the reason why it was so hard to get him out. 

“Maybe Victoria knows a good dry cleaner that can give us a discount,” she reasoned. 

“Tía does always have very nicely pressed clothes,” Reggie agreed, as an honorary Molina— self appointed, but appreciated by most— he felt that it was okay to address Victoria as such. 

“Yeah,” She laughed at his words, “So are you going to tell me how you got stuck?”

“Well I knew there was going to be a pool table here so I brought my lucky gold eight ball-” Reggie had a lucky every- “And it kind of just fell in here.”

Alex corrected him, “You mean you were getting too cocky at the game and knocked the ball so hard that it fell in there.”

“Potatoes, tomatoes, uh, spaghetti! It doesn't matter now, I got my ball and now I need you guys to help me get out.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Luke nodded, “You ready Reg?”

“...No!”

“You want to make out with the rats? They have diseases.” Alex sarcastically noted.

“They’re misunderstood creatures!” Reggie stated on their behalf. Reggie’s butt buzzed, “Oh that's my phone, that feels weird, “ he laughed. 

“Phone!’ Alex's eyes widened, “Where’s my phone?” He dropped Reggie’s leg

“Alex!” Luke exclaimed want to get this over with.

“Willie texted, he said he’ll be here in thirty- thirty minutes!” 

“Anything else,” Y/N asked.

“He’s excited to spend the New Years with me” He said softly, unsurely.

“That's great.” Everyone agreed, happy for the boy. 

“Are you going to text back?” Y’N asked excitedly, happy with the idea of Alex’s romance coming to life. 

“Oh yeah!” Alex’s face faltered, “Shit. It just died.”

“Just get Reggie’s,” Luke shrugged, “But after we get him out!”

After 3 more tries at “ON PULLS,” Alex, Luke, and Y/N were able to get Reggie out, only tearing his jacket on the left side.

“Thanks guys” Reggie said appreciatively. 

As Luke patted Reggie back Alex spoke: “Um, hey, Y/N?” He asked quietly, hands in his pocket, “Mind if I steal you for a second?”

“Sure,” she smiled sweetly at him, turning the corner so they could have a little bit of privacy. 

“I’m nervous.” He sighed, “ I already spoke to Luke about it before we left for tonight, so he’s already given me all the inspiration he’s got, but I’m still not sure of it all… He took the whole coming back to life hard, but I didn’t think he would take it so hard that he would separate himself from us, from me. ” The boy frowned. 

“I think he really liked being a ghost,” Y/N started.

“Yeah and we ruined his whole life,”

“We didn’t ruin his life, we saved it. He’s free, just like you guys. And…” Y/N trailed off trying to find the words, “Hm, well, I think he was just a ghost so long it became a part of his identity, and now that part left him, it must’ve been hard to take in. Should he have been more verbal about needing space? Yes. You deserved that. If you want to tell him that, you should, especially if it’ll help relieve whatever thoughts you’ve got suck up there. I’m sure he will be apologetic if you ask calmly, try to see it from his perspective. And that way he can be empathetic to your perspective as well, you know? On the other hand, you can also take this New Year in stride and just like go to the past and have a good time with him. Or do both!” She put an arm on his shoulder, giving him a warm closed smile. 

He nodded taking in her words, trying to remember what she said as she said it.

“You got this, okay? What does Luke say? Step into your greatness?”

“Heh,” he laughed, “Greatness is usually for Julie, awesomeness is mine, not saying that I am awesome though, it’s- it’s just what he says.”

“Well it’s because it’s true. You’re awesome, Alex. Just be open hearted and your awesomeness will shine through.”

“But.. how?”

“Didn’t I- Never mind. Okay, from what I know, Willie already knows you, and likes you, and enjoys talking to you, so there are no awkward first encounters to be made. You’ll see him and all you need to do is be prepared to say hi, that is unless you want to talk to him about the past, and then it will go off from there. I feel it ending up well, I promise. And even if it doesn’t? Show him the food. Everyone loves food.”

“Hi- maybe past- food- got it.” He turned, but Y/N quickly grabbed him. 

“Wait, but don’t just think about that. Remember: He’s coming because he wants to see YOU. He wants to spend New Years with YOU. That’s what his message said right?”

“Right.” It seemed Alex forgot. 

“So believe it. Live in that message.” 

“Okay,” he started to smile lightly, though still a little wearily. “Thanks… He wants to see me, he WANTS to see me, live in it.” He repeated her words. 

Alex gave her Reggie’s phone, asking her to message Willie one last time stating that he would be waiting for him by the front of the house by the band’s van. She did so and turned the corner hoping to find both Reggie and Luke, but unfortunately the latter person was not in sight. 

“Reg, where’s Luke?”

“Y/N! Meet Amelie Laurent,” Reggie introduced the girl sitting next to him, imitating a French accent as he said her name. “She’s a foreign exchange student from France. She likes my jacket.” He said with a smirk. 

Y/N guessed he didn’t hear her question.

“Nice to meet you,” the girl said giggling at Reggie’s antics. “Comment tu t’appelles?” She asked.

“Uh, yes.” Y/N stared blankly, watching the girls face fall, “I’m just kidding, it’s Y/N. I know that much at least.” Both you and the girl laughed. 

“Aw look, my girls getting along!” 

“Your girl?” Amelie questioned.

“Well maybe not yet,” Reggie winked while wiggling a brow. 

“You should get Luke and come hang out with me and Miss Amelie Laurent.” Reggie once again pronounced her name with the most fake sounding French accent he could muster, having fun with how the name rolled off his tongue. 

“Speaking of that,” Y/N handed him his phone, “Do you know where he went?”

“Well he didn’t go through the pool door because that’s where my Amelie Laurent came from, so I’m guessing back there,” Reggie pointed his thumb behind him.

“Alright, then I guess I’m going that way. Nice to meet you Miss Amelie.” She giggled, attempting her own French accent.

-

About 10 minutes had passed. Y/N had walked around to the backyard, upstairs to some rooms, to the dance floor, the kitchen, stopping along the way when Julie and Flynn caught her in their sight till she found herself back by the pool table. Reggie’s banjo and doggy friend was present but not he nor his lady friend, or Luke. Y/N wondered if she should finally try the pool door till she heard a sound, a voice actually. As she walked down the hallway she was just minutes before, she heard his voice. 

It was Luke, his tones muffled by the music and talking inside, but she could hear it, it filled her senses, making her heart flutter to hear his singing as it belted a tune much more soulful then the usual pop or rock songs the band sang. He was outside, in the backyard, one of the first places she looked. As she almost reached the back door, she was pushed rather harshly, by someone with wheels, skateboard wheels. 

“Whoa! Sorry!” It was Willie. “You’re Y/N right?” He smiled, running his fingers through his hair as he took off his helmet. “I know we’ve never really spoken, but we know of each other.”

“We do,”  Y/N said pleasantly. 

“I’m glad I finally found one of you, I’m totally lost.”

“Well I think Luke was just outside there, actually.”

“Oh really? God I was going so fast I wasn’t even thinking. Or looking would be correct, right? Anyway, I’m sorry I didn’t see you there, sometimes I still think I’ll just go through people. Can’t believe I have to walk indoors now.” He rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Life of the living,” she tried to joke, “I’m sorry. I know it must be strange.”

“Yeah, better than being under Caleb though.”

“Right,” Y/N nodded. 

“Oh, sorry,” 

“No don’t be. I’ll never know him like you did. No emotional tie here.”

“Um,” An awkward silence erupted, “So since you’re the only one in the group I’ve found you want to play a game?” 

“A game?” She asked, confused.

“Yeah!” He raised his brow.

“And what game would this be?” 

“The Where’s Alex game. If you have the answer I’ll love you forever. I already know I’m super late.”

“Oh!” she laughed at the realization, “He’s at the front! You didn’t see him? Or see the text?”

“My phone died,” He pulled out the device as proof, the glass was severely cracked, “I’m not sure how to properly take care of it as you can see. No wonder I make it die so fast.”

“His phone died too, strangely enough. But he’s waiting for you at the front entrance. You didn’t come from that way?”

“No, I didn’t know if someone would stop me if I went that way because I wasn’t actually invited. I never really did this kind of thing in the past. It’s my first time.” 

“Really? It’s my first too, but for you? You seem so cool to me to never be invited.”

“Well the actual definition of cool and high schoolers definition of cool is wildly different. We’re obviously a different breed, you and I. Better.” He joked. 

“Well thank you.” She could tell why Willie liked him. “Alex is by the white van, it has ghosts painted all over it so you can’t miss it.”

“Thank you!”

“Of course!”

As he was about to walk away, skateboard in hand, he stopped, “Can I be honest?”

“Sure.” She smiled nodding at him to continue.

“I’m a little nervous. I know that’s his thing so I should try to get over it, but I can’t help it. This not being a ghost thing has been hard, you know? Is he mad? I didn’t mean to separate myself…” he faultured. Although Y/N knew Alex’s half of the story, Willie and her were still newly acquainted, it made sense why he felt the need to stop himself from possibly over sharing. 

“He can’t wait to see you.” She reassured him, ending the silence. “It’s literally why he decided to stay by the front. He wanted you to find him right away. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“You sure?”

She confirmed, “Absolutely positive.”

“Alright, thanks again. And nice to meet you! You know, not just by me peering through windows and being creepy. Sorry.”

“Ghosts will be ghosts.” Y/N shrugged. She watched as Willie gave her a laugh and started to walk away. 

“Y/N,” the sweet voice from the backyard called for her again, this time saying her name.

“Luke,” her eyes brightened, turning around.

“Found you.” He grinned, intertwining their fingers on both sides. 

“Well really I would have found you first. I heard your voice, from the backyard, but Willie stopped me before I could go.”

“Ah, you heard my call for you.”

“For me?” He hummed in response.

“I’ll pretend that’s true.” 

“Good,” Luke brought one of her hands up to his lips, kissing it softly. “So where have you been in the last twenty?”

“Well I was looking for you. Reggie said you didn’t go through the pool door so-“

“I did.”

You did?”

“I did! He probably didn’t mention it because he was so focused on-

“Miss Amelie Laurent!” You both said in unison, French accents prevalent. 

“He said you went back here so I went to the backyard, but you weren’t there, so I went upstairs back to Nick room, and you don’t want to know what I saw in there-”

“Ooo tell me,”  his eyes were eager.

“Anyway, I went back down stairs, found Julie near the kitchen— we shared a cupcake— and then she asked me if I would go to the dance floor with her and find someone to talk to so I did that, but then Flynn can said she lost her bracelet so we three had to look for that one, then I came back to the pool table, heard you singing, bumped into Willie, asked me where Alex was, and then I think he needed some advice— he and Alex are literally having the same problem, it’s kind of cute— and then you finally came. That’s my story.”

Luke's mouth was open, eyes going around in a circle as she went on her tangent, hanging onto every word, he thought it was pretty adorable. “Well, my story is much shorter. When I picked Reggi up, you disappeared.”

“Oh, Alex asked me to speak to him, all we did was turn the corner.”

“I didn’t know, but then some guy from the pool came up to me asked me if I could show him some cords from a phantom song and before I could say yes he was pushing me out the door. I helped him, went back inside, met Miss Amelie Laurent, walked to the backyard because Reggie said you went that way, and there I stayed.”

“If only I went back.”

“We’re good now.” Though a smile still ghosted his face he felt a sudden suppression wash over him, “Are you having fun, Y/N/N?”

“I- Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know… I just know it’s your first party here and I wanted you to have a good time, but at every second someone needs you, or someone needs me, and we’ve been pulled around and around and around,-“ Luke moves his head left to right, a rasp in his voice like a motor engine as he repeated the word for effect, “-that I feel like you’re not letting yourself get into some trouble like everyone else.”

“Trouble?”

“Lack of a better word,” he smiled smugly. “I’m just saying, you’re not Julie and the Phantoms glorified assistant-”

“Neither are you. You’ve done just as much as me tonight.” She reasoned. 

“Yeah, but that’s because I was trying to stick with you and lessen the load. You know you do so much for us all the time.”

“I guess I just like you guys too much.” she shrugged, matching his playful tone from before.

“Like just me a little bit more then.” He moved closer, placing his fingers on her jaw, “Hmm?”

He finally kissed her, a real kiss this time. His other hand moved to her neck as her hands moved to his arms. The hand on her jaw lifted her chin higher, deepening the action.

“People are watching,” she said through a breath, eyes alert. 

Before going back in he said, “No one's watching,” Then after a peck, “And no one cares.” His hands slid to her waist, head tilting to the other side, he hummed, causing Y/N’s hands to fall to his cheeks, quickly sliding her fingers against his chest; she was lost in the moment. 

Slowly Luke’s feet moved backwards, moving one of the hands that was wrapped around his waist to her hip as he motioned her against the wall. “Ow,” Y/N yelped, the black and blue Flynn gave her earlier pulsing again. 

Luke’s hand came to her head, cushioning it against the wall. “Sorry, I forgot.”

“So did I,” she laughed. 

The both smiled at each other, Luke forehead connecting with hers, he rubbed his nose against her own etching more bits of laughter out of her. He relished in the noises, the closeness, the feeling. 

Looking down he noticed their shoes, Y/N’s original chucks in the middle of both vans. He didn’t care what shoes she wore, but he much appreciated how she had to change her footwear for Julie because now they matched… somewhat. The black and white pallets, but different designs; similar, but different; individuals, but connected. He liked it. “Nice shoes, kid.”

“Thanks,” she laughed, “Not what I originally intended, but they work.”

“Work better, in my opinion.” He moved back, extending her arms out as he held her hands. He was surveying how her black dress with white polka dots perfectly matched the color scheme of the converse. “Perfect.”

Once again she blushed, but didn’t respond. Instead she made a remark about his own shoes. “You know, I don’t understand how you wear those everyday, yet they aren’t all dirty like mine.”

“Well I used to be a ghost, when I was walking my feet weren’t actually treading on the Earth.” 

“Well that was three months ago.”

“Almost three months ago,” he corrected, for that’s when their official relationship started. Luke always thought she was pretty, right from the moment he saw her, but it wasn’t love at first sight, not even like. She was a little quiet, at least with him and the boys and they all noticed. With Julie and Flynn she smiled brightly and chatted constantly, or that’s what he would hear when he would come to Julie’s room, hearing her voice through the door. It was a sweet voice, empathetic, understanding; he thought it sounded like music, and not only did he wonder how his name would sound on her lips, but he felt connected to it. He understood the desire to make others feel good. Through his singing he tried to make people feel seen, make their problems validated, and he could tell she tried to do that with her words. 

For Y/N at first, she wanted Julie to have the band for herself. She thought that this was one of the few things making her feel happy during this dark time of Tía Rose’s passing, so she didn’t want to step in too much, not to mention the realization that she could see ghosts wasn’t exactly the easiest things for her to get her head around the way Julie did. But her elusiveness only made Luke more curious, and when Luke was curious, he was persistent in finding out whatever it was he wanted to know. 

First, he would ask Julie to bring Y/N down for their rehearsals and she would, sometimes, but nothing gave. Y/N would most give Julie feedback, shying away from the ghosts gaze, still unsure how to interact. Then, he just started asking Julie about her cousin, little questions here and there till Julie finally got tired and told him to just go talk to her himself. This is where he was at a stand still as he was unsure how to approach her. Finally, after noticing how her room lights would shine quite far into the night, he decided to go up there, telling himself he would just ask her why she sleeps so late, that he only noticed because he likes to take walks at night. It sounded reasonable to him. 

This is when he realized how similar Molina’s are: Always trying to be brave for others. After she told him she always had trouble falling asleep unless it was specifically her bed at home, but didn’t want to tell anyone else because it would bother them. She wanted to stay here for Julie and for the friendships she was finally making at Los Feliz, so Luke decided to start a tradition with her: late night bike rides. It was a way to tire her out and a way for him to get some alone time with her. Him taking a bike from the garage, and her using her own she brought from her old home. They rode separately, but together, letting the quiet road open them up to the other. Telling each other stories, discussing interests, consoling each other when they were feeling down. Luke never knew how close you could feel to someone else by just conversation until he had to do it with Y/N. It made him appreciate her in a way he’d never felt before. 

They were not friends, they knew that fairly quickly, but they didn’t hurt each other by talking about being more. It was just an unspoken agreement that they hung out with each other exclusively in the way that they did, but they never spoke of romantics. Their rides were special, only for them. That’s why when he became alive the first thing he wanted to do, after celebrating with everyone, was take a ride with her. One bike this time. Her heels on the bars and she heads onto his shoulders, showing her where he used to grow up. That’s what he always wanted to do. 

“Not enough time,” Luke said in response to Y/N who mentioned that wearing the same two pairs of shoes for 3 months had to have made them a little messed up, but he was talking about them, thinking about how short of a time ago it was that he got got be with her this way. It was a long year of just knowing her without the sense of touch. He felt lucky. Once again, he dipped his hands on the side of her face, starting to go in till-

“Hey, Y/N! And oh, Luke! Hey man.” It was the New Years Eve birthday boy.

“Oh, hey, Nick,” Y/N said, maintaining a kind disposition although she knew how his actions made Julie feel. 

“Um,” he laughed awkwardly at Luke’s stoicism, it was unnatural for his character and even Nick knew that by now, “Well I was wondering if you knew where Julie was. I’ve been looking for her everywhere.”

“Really?” Luke questioned.

“Yeah, I promised her a dance,” he laughed, “or really she promised me one because we all know I suck.”

Y/N laughed kindheartedly at his deprecation. She was still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Carrie does have a dominating attitude, and with someone as tender Nick it would make sense that he got roped into whatever it was even at his own party, but looking at Luke’s face and knowing how she felt earlier, she decided to to be upfront, “Look Nick, you don’t have to say anything, but I think you like Julie, and I don’t know if Julie likes you, but let’s say she does: You’re sending mixed signals. I get you and Carrie have a history and that she can be bossy, but you make your own choices. If you want to hang out with a certain someone, I think you should put your foot down and make it a priority to do that.” She tried to be ambiguous, obviously failing throughout. 

Nick sighed, “I know… I have no excuse. But that’s why I’ve been trying to find her. I want to hang out with her, do a- I don’t know-“

“‘I don’t know?’” Luke intervened, restating his words, unsure about the possible actions behind them.

“I mean like... New Year's kiss, I- don’t laugh at me Y/N!”

“No! I think it’s sweet. I'm only laughing because I’ve understood your pain, Nick.”

Nick laughed alongside her albeit he was still mostly laughing at himself. Luke kept his grumpy face, eyebrows twitching. “Well if that’s what you want, go get it before the Carrie snatches you up again”

“But even if she does,” Luke started. 

“Put your foot down.” Y/n finished “You know, Stand Tall, like the phantoms song.”

“‘Whatever happens’  he snickered, waving his finger as he said the lyric in hopes to ease the tension with Luke, but he was not amused. 

“Exactly,” Y/N smiled, paying her boyfriend's chest. 

“Right,” Luke agreed, he was really only saying it for Y/N. “Nice basketball sheets by the way”

“Hey, come on, my dad got those for me. It’s nostalgic, you know? Anyway, so I know you guys were busy and I’m sorry that I interrupted anything, but do you think you could help me find her? I really want to find her.”

“Listen Nick,” Luke started once again, it was getting late and he still had a plan he wanted to maintain. 

“Y/N! So there’s this gu- Nick, oh-“

“Julie, I’ve been looking for you!” Nick exclaimed, happy to see her. 

“You have?”

“Apparently,” Luke answered. 

“Well Nick, actually I-“

“Wait. Julie, wait. I- um, I was also looking for all you phantoms actually. I mean I was going to find you and talk to you first and the ask about this later but hey two out of the four are here so,”

“What are you talking about?” Julie asks, hoping he’d get to the point.

“I was wondering if you could play a song? Just one. I don’t have a bass but I’ve got a drum kit on stage already and I’ve got plenty of electrics. The party’s coming to a close and I thought this would be one last thing to bring it all together to make a great night. I know it’s last minute,”

“Nick-“

“Julie.” He stopped, stumbling with his words, till he finally felt sure of what to say, “I’m beating around the bush. What I really need to say is I’m sorry for leaving you. You’re the only one I wanted to hang out with tonight. Carrie- Carrie’s just lonely. If I’m being honest and I promise I don’t mean this in a rude way, but Kayla is just more of her henchman. I know we used to date so it looks strange, but I think I’m her only friend right now. She bought a really grand present and took me away to show it to me, that’s all. I should have stopped to speak to you first though. That’s on me.”

Julie looked down, nodding, “I appreciate that.” 

“You don’t have to sing and you don’t have to give me any more of your time tonight if you don’t want to. I’m just glad you’re here either way.” 

“I don’t mind hanging out with you... if you actually stick around this time-“

“I will!”

“But singing? I guess I’ll leave that one to you Luke.” Julie said, noticing his expression, lips scrunched up together.

“I- It’s your choice, Jules. Whatever you want.” He said lessening the intensity that was in his eyes, Nick did do what Y/N said after all. 

“Let’s sing then. This party has been a little hectic and I think we all need to get our emotions out. Let the New Year come in with good vibes. Right, buddy?” She said tapping Luke’s cheek. “Y/N, help me find the others?”

“Sure,” she said with a sympathetic smile to Luke who she noticed didn’t seem to enjoy that little buddy comment, nonetheless, she joined in: “See ya soon, buddy,” Y/N laughed, letting the ends of her finger tips brush against his till she was pulled away by Julie.

-

On stage, Julie and the Phantoms rose, singing Finally Free. It had become quite the party anthem for them. The repetition in the chorus made it such a good song for them to engage with the audience. Every time Julie sang ‘I got a spark in me’ the crowd would sing back, throwing their hands up in the process quite literally making the next lyric, ‘hands up if you’re with me’ come true in the most perfect way.

Y/N wished she brought her camera, instead she opted to take out her phone, taking some iPhone shots of the band, hoping the fans would enjoy these raw candid pictures, but then Luke caught her attention through the screen, he sent her a wink, one that the people in front of her probably thought was for them. As he strummed his guitar he yelled a ‘WOOO’ her way, bouncing with Reggie. Y/N decided to put her phone down. This performance was a New Years special, one to only be viewed in person; in the moment; no thinking of anyone else. Finding Flynn in the crowd who was also trying to catch some snapshots of her own, Y/N passed on the energy Luke had given to her: “Lets just have fun!” 

- 

Soon after, the song had ended, and despite not being the ‘hologram band’ anymore the Phantoms vanished from the stage, still giving the audience chills as Julie was the one last standing, thanking everyone for being such a great audience. When the gang realized the guys still had some ghosting abilities, Julie wondered if they should stop the whole disappearing thing, saying it would be harder for people to believe, but honestly, seeing the guys at school, at this party, and still watching them turn to dust when the music and cheering ended still amazed the crowd and made it just that more of a spectacle; no one cared for reason, it was simply that cool to see. 

Y/N hoped Luke would pop up alongside her, saving her the hassle of searching for him again, but alas, he did not. It made sense to her though, for she was right in the middle of the dancefloor. 

She decided to travel back around to the hallway where Nick and Julie had stopped her and Luke before. Walking down the hall, a hand snaked around her arm, pull her into a small closet under the staircase. “What the-” She stopped herself as she looked up and the light illuminated the small area with a click and a pull. Her eyes traveled slowly from the buttery yellow glow of the small light, the hand which pulled on the silvery chord, the shimmering skin of Luke, whose eyes followed her gaze till she met his own. “Howdy.” 

“Hey there, partner” she said softy, small breathy giggles coming out of her. “Nice hat.”

“Why thank you, pretty lady,” he responded with a wink, tipping the brown leathered cowboy hat he’d found.

“So what are we doing in here?” She asked, watching him take off the hat.

“Wanna play seven minutes in heaven?” 

“Like in 13 going on 30? Is that the kind of game you played in your 90s parties?” 

Luke rolled his eyes at her comment, moving on, “I decided that our friends are not going to leave us alone tonight, so I want just seven minutes. No interruptions, just us.” 

“I’d like that.”

Luke took out his phone starting a timer on his phone, “Yeah,” he nodded as he moved closer to her face, “me too.”

Lips on her own, he moved his hand to the back of her head, remembering her black and blue and he softly placed it against the wall of the small space, removing it once there. 

As her head leaned eagerly against it, the rest of her body was slanted, legs in between his own, he moved his arms to her waist, hands going up her back, while hands went up to his neck, going in to play with his hair. 

“Y/N?”

The sound caused her to jump, banging her head for the third time. “Ow.” 

It was Flynn. 

“Luke!” 

It was Reggie. 

Now Julie came over, “Is Y/N and Luke in there? Guys?!” H-“

“No!” Luke yelled. 

“Hey!” It was Alex, hand in hand with Willie. “Are they coming out? It’s-“

“Five minutes!” Luke yelled out again. He slid out his phone from underneath the door. “In fact, reset it to seven, give us seven.” 

Reggie took phone, “But Luke you didn’t notice the ti-“ 

Luke bagged on the door, “When it rings, that’s when you can give us your requests.”

Y/N covered her mouth, giggling at his aggressive tone. 

“Come here,” he motioned her with his hands on her hips, lips once again reconnected. As they started to move backward again, Luke moved his hands higher, picking her up, motioning her to wrap her legs around her waist, Y/N tried to catch her breath as their lips fell a part in the action, “Not this time,” he whispered in her ear, the vibrations of his voice making her shiver. He crashed his lips onto hers again as his hands went lower on his hips, supporting her on his frame. He swiped his tongue on her lower lip in an attempt to deepen the kiss further. Thereafter, their lips were connected in open mouth kisses, Luke taking control of the action.

“We just wanted to say Happy New Years, it’s 12:03.” Reggie uttered quietly at the bottom of the door, petting Nick’s dog that found him again. Y/N and Luke didn’t answer him, he figured they were too busy engrossed in each other. 

“Happy New Years, beautiful.” Luke sang to Y/N, sighing out, admiring the way her eyes looked into his, realizing that he completed his mission after all.  

“Happy New Years, Luke.” She breathed out, planting her lips on his once more. One hand on the side of his face as the other went back to his hair, rejoicing in their closeness, finally, uninterrupted.

- 

Thank you for reading! 

Tag list: @lolychu​ @marinettepotterandplagg​

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

The 12 Nights of Christmas: Night 3.

…

…

…

...

...

…Huh?

…!

*Seiko, after passing out the previous night, wakes up to find herself in a strange, unrecognizable location.

What…? Wh-Where…am I?

*Appearing to be in a storage container, she gets up and tries to look around, but as she does, a locked door opens up and a figure steps through.

Huh?

Ah, you’re awake.

Nagito!? Wh-What’s going on? Where are we? Why are you here? Where’s the Zetsubou lab and Dr Inori?

S-Slow down, one question at a time or else I might not be able to keep up.

Well, for where we are right now…Um…

*Seiko steps past Nagito as she lets her out of the room. She steps into an elongated room, and when looking out the window, all she can see is clouds.

…Huh?

You see…

We’re…on a plane.

…

HUUUH!?

*After Seiko takes a moment to calm down, Nagito explains the whole situation to her.

So…let me get this straight. I’m on this plane, because…you’re taking me on holiday?

That’s the gist of things, yes.

Considering it’s almost Christmas time, I spoke with Shirogane about potentially giving you a break. She wants to use your knowledge for her schemes of course, but it won’t help anyone if you collapse from exhaustion.

Also, the only reason I’m even with Zetsubou is to keep you safe and secure from them, so she entrusted it to me to come up with a way to treat you.

So I take it she knows we’re out here?

And more than likely, we’re being tracked as well. Sorry if that makes things awkward…I’ll bet you were thinking I was going to help you escape or something.

…I’ve learned not to get my hopes up.

…

*Seiko’s sour expression makes the flight very awkward thereafter.

*After about 2 more hours of total silence, the plane eventually lands at the airport.

…Um…

Yes?

You said it was Christmas, right?

Yes, I did. Well, almost. It’ll be Christmas Eve tomorrow.

Then…why is it so warm here? Where have you taken me? I didn’t even bring anything with me you know?

It’s fine, we can buy things here. I think the time difference is about an hour from Japan.

I don’t care about the bloody time difference, why is it so hot? Did you take me to a tropical resort or something?

Um…yes!

What!?

Uh…yeah, let’s just go outside.

*sigh* I really need to learn to take your crazy antics in stride by now…but this is unexpected, even for you…

*After a few minutes, Nagito and Seiko leave the airport where a small vehicle is waiting for us.

Where are we going right now then?

This driver is in league with Zetsubou. They’re doing what they can to make sure we can enjoy ourselves without any public officials breathing down our necks.

I already brought some spare clothes and swimwear for myself, but we need to go get you something more comfortable to wear. I would have picked something out for you, but I didn’t know if I could appeal to your tastes. Besides, I wanted to keep it as a surprise.

…Thank you Nagito…

I’ve…I’ve been acting really ungrateful, but I haven’t let the reality sink in until now. Thank you for doing this for me.

I understand why you were upset, and I’m not doing this as a way for you to forgive me. I just want to pay you back for all you’ve done to help me over the years.

To be honest, I’m just glad the plane didn’t crash along the way, given my luck.

Ehehe!

In any case, after we’re done shopping, I have a list of things we can do. There’s a spa, then a beach, and we can probably grab some snacks for ourselves.

Other than that, we can just go with the flow. Is there anything you’d like to do Seiko?

Hm…

That’s a good question. To be honest, I’ve…never actually been on a real holiday before.

Really? You didn’t even have a school field trip or graduation trip?

I fell really ill during my middle school field trip, and…I was expelled before I could graduate Hope’s Peak.

Ah…right…I forgot…

But, surely you should have had holidays during your employment in the Future Foundation?

Where would there have been to go? The whole world was in chaos, remember?

Well, yes, but I mean AFTER things started dying down.

Well, I guess I could have, but to be honest, I’ve never been an outgoing person. My illness has made me an indoors girl, so I’ve never had the rhyme nor reason to go on a personal holiday.

Then you have no idea what you’re missing! Hopefully this’ll be a learning experience for you.

Y-Yeah!

*Seiko smiles under her mask, and then peers out the window. The vehicle drives past a bright blue ocean, with the sunlight glimmering off of it.

It’s winter, but it’s like a summer paradise here…

(I know my situation isn’t the best, and that when we’re done I’ll have to go back to the Zetsubou labs…but for some reason…I don’t care…)

(This change of scenery is enough to put my mind at ease…)

It’d be much easier to move around in an outfit like this.

Are you done changing yet Seiko?

Seiko: I…yes, but…when you see me, I want you to give me honest judgement. Don’t lie for my sake.

How bad can it possibly be?

Seiko: Ok…I’m coming out now.

*Seiko steps out from behind the curtain.

W-Well?

!!!??

You…I…Um…H-How do I put this…?

It’s horrible isn’t it? I knew I wouldn’t look good in swimwear.

*Nagito suddenly grasps Seiko by the shoulders.

You look GORGEOUS! I-I was just struggling to find the right words! You’re so pretty!

…!?

…!?

S-Sorry, that was…a little strong…

No…th-thank you very much…!

I hear the restaurant has some pretty good food, but…is that all you’re having?

Meal Prep Garlic Butter Chicken Meatballs with Cauliflower Rice is a favorite of mine, AND it’s low on sugar too.

This one is SUPER delicious though! Mmm!

May I have a bite?

Sure! Give me some of yours too.

*The two share their delicious lunches.

Kyah!

What!?

Masseuse: Is everything alright, ma’am?

Yes, I-I’m alright! You just got the tense spot is all.

Masseuse: Ah, good. I should almost be done then.

How does it feel? Is it as good as one of Nekomaru’s massages?

It’s better! These are what a professional’s hands can do! Nagito, you have to try this!

Huh? Um…a-alright.

Ahck…I feel kinda sore after all that…I don’t get massages very often, but I wonder how Akane manages them on a regular basis.

I think it’s simply that the more consistently you do it, the less it hurts. You know, if I’m ever allowed to see her again, I should probably recommend this place.

I did think Akane had shoulder problems very often. It might be because her large breasts weigh her down…

Sorry if that sounds candid and improper coming from me.

It’s just a fact. Having large breasts comes with problems you know?

Um…N-Not speaking from experience by the way!

R-Right, right! I knew that…

And…Don’t worry…You will be allowed to see Akane again. I don’t know how long Organization Zetsubou want to keep you around, but they’ll definitely let you go when they’re done with you. I’ll make sure of that…

…But…will they let YOU go?

…

Don’t worry about me. I made this choice, and I need to live with it.

Nagito…I know what it is that they want to do with you…Are you sure? This…goes against everything you’ve ever stood for. Doesn’t it?

…

What I stood for doesn’t matter anymore…Ever since Ayumu Fujimori and his team made their presence known, everything I’ve come to know is slowly crumbling before me.

If I have to sell my soul to the devil to protect my ideals…so be it…So long as you and everyone else is safe…

…

Wait…“everyone else?”

…

This…is between me and Hajime. It doesn’t concern you, or any of my other classmates.

I’d rather keep them out of it…I don’t want them to get hurt…

Nagito…

A-Anyway, let’s stop talking about morbid stuff. I think we should go down to the beach, don’t you?

…Sure…

Here we are…what a view, huh?

Wow…!

*Nagito and Seiko stand above a cliff, leaning against a fence and looking over the landscape.

The sky is so beautiful…

*Seiko quietly looks across the sea, holding onto her hat so it isn’t blown away.

(Nagito was right…I really had no idea what I was missing.)

(Just working all the time and constantly keeping to myself…when was the last time I saw a view like this?)

…

…

*Seiko then glances over at Nagito, who is taking pictures with his phone.

(I haven’t been able to spend this much time alone with him before either. Maybe…maybe I’ve just been too focused on myself this whole time.)

Is something wrong?

Huh?

*Nagito notices Seiko staring at him, and snaps her back to the present.

You’re thinking about work and other troubles again, aren’t you?

I…uh…

Come on. Let’s head down there.

Yeah, ok!

*Nagito takes Seiko’s hand, and leads her down the steps towards the beach.

Haha! Weeh!

*Once the two are down at the beach, Seiko takes off her sandals and begins to wade and play in the water.

It’s so pretty here!

…Yeah…it is…

…Nagito?

*Nagito outstretches a hand, and Seiko takes it as they walk along the beach.

This is the perfect place to take it easy, don’t you think? I really missed being here.

You’ve been here before?

Well, actually, I lived here for a while when I was very young.

Eh? Really? I had no idea.

Well, it’s not like I’ve ever actually spoken about it to anyone before. I told my classmates that I lived out of the country for a while, but you’re the first person I’ve ever taken here. Since you’ve always been the kind to work so hard, I figured it would come as a bit of a shock.

Not at all, it’s pretty cool actually. There’s nothing quite like this experience.

Hm…

Seiko? Can you eat ice cream?

Ice cream? Well, they usually have a lot of sugar in them, so not typically.

But if the sugar intake is low, I should be able to handle it.

Alright then. I’ll see if I can look around and find some low-sugar ice cream.

You really think you’re going to get that lucky-

Wait…never mind, I just realized what I was saying.

Yeah, to be honest, my luck has actually been pretty solid thus far. Problem is it may come back to bite us eventually.

Just…sit tight here and I’ll go see if I can find us some.

*Seiko sits down on a bench and Nagito leaves to look for sugar free ice cream.

…

He’s…really just left me alone…

*She looks around the beach, at families, couples, children and many other people enjoying their time at the resort.

I can’t write out the possibility that some of these people could be Zetsubou agents, but…isn’t he taking me too lightly?

There’s lifeguards and security officers all around me. All I’d have to do is go find one of them, state my identity, and the Future Foundation would be able to find me. If the Foundation save me, Organization Zetsubou’s current plans will collapse. And Nagito would be arrested…

…

But…

Hey!

Ah!?

Are…you alright?

Yeah, I’m perfectly fine!

You weren’t thinking too hard again, were you?

No, no, I was just…Never mind. Did you actually find some sugar free ice cream?

As a matter of fact, I…didn’t…But I got close!

A stand over there was selling Breyer’s. They use sweeteners instead of white sugar in their no-sugar-added ice cream. Not completely what we wanted, but I think I did a good job.

I don’t know what flavor you wanted, so I just got us both vanilla.

That’s fine. Thank you.

*Seiko takes her ice cream off Nagito.

…Nagito, can I ask you a question?

Fire away.

These people who are around us…are they…or at least, are some of them agents of the Zetsubou group? Is this whole island a setup?

…Not as far as I’m aware. The only people we’ve met so far who are in league with Zetsubou are the car driver and the plane pilots. Why?

I…well…to be honest…

Yes?

I was just…curious if we had each other to ourselves or not. I think it would have made everything less special if we had company.

I agree with that. I asked Tsumugi specifically not to employ any agents for that reason exactly, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she had some on standby. Sorry if that’s the case.

But…your ice cream’s going to melt if you don’t eat it.

Ah! R-Right! Hold on.

*Seiko pulls off her mask and starts to eat her ice cream.

Ah! It’s so good!

…

I’m jealous of you guys. It’s not often that I get to eat things like this.

…

Nagito?

…Forgive me for this…

Forgive you for wha-

!?!?

…

*Seiko doesn’t finish, as Nagito brings their lips together.

…

H-Hey…! H-Hey you-! You-!

I’m sorry…I know it’s a pain to have someone as awful as me steal a kiss from someone as great as you.

But…even I have contraband desires on occasion.

This wasn’t my reason for bringing you all the way out here of course, but…I was longing for a moment like this…A moment to ourselves…

But, th-there are people around us…!

No one’s watching. No one’s going to mind even if they do.

…Again, sorry if I upset you. I won’t do it again.

…Please stop.

I have stopped. I won’t do it again-

No, I mean please stop putting yourself down all the time!

You aren’t worthless, or trash! And…I don’t even know why I’m telling you this…You’ll just ignore me…

You may not love yourself Nagito…but…I know I always will…

Seiko…

Please…do it again…

…Alright…

*Nagito and Seiko spend a long time together on the beach.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[maxdemianfangirl]

So...Lilith

So I did not think my responses would be reblogged by @veiledlight-blog and @ohmourningstar but I want to continue the discussion on Lilith which isn’t a reblog chain but instead a full post.

So, why not use Lilith in your practice?

Because you’re not Jewish. Lilith is Jewish. You are not. Judaism is a closed practice for a reason. You aren’t supposed to use the stuff there if you aren’t Jewish. Maybe I have to explain why it’s closed.

Anti-semitism is a big issue. It’s everywhere all around the globe. Closed practices are closed to keep the practice how it is without being colonized, and Judaism is no exception. The Jewish people are often discriminated against. I could go on a full rant on how.

My Sunday school classmates have found nazi symbols spray painted onto walls near their homes. My Jewish friends have been made fun of for being Jewish. I’ve personally been threatened with violence and possible death for being Jewish. It’s caused a long issue with my self identity and my religious beliefs which I still struggle with now. I have often not wanted to be Jewish because I felt so ashamed and bad about it. I didn’t want a Bat Mitzvah in case others found out because I knew telling my friends might bring up a side of them I had no clue about or letting others who would also harm me know about my Judaism. It worsened my mental health which was already not good. And guess what? I was a kid. Not even thirteen when this all happened. No kid should go through that. No kid should hate who they are and what they believe because of others and their hate.

Judaism at its root is meant to protect its people from those who want to harm those who practice it. The whole book of Exodus was about escaping the Pharaoh who enslaved us and finding a new home. We have countless stories about it (the Prague Golem is an amazing one). We have the Holocaust. We’ve been taught by the world to keep closed to ourselves. Its figures like Lilith are not for those who are not Jewish. 

Now, Lilith has become so popular because her whole concept has been changed from what it once was. Lilith was a high figure, not to be messed with and a literal demon who could and would harm babies and their mothers. Now she’s all succubus queen empowering women. While I am very happy that women, especially young witches, can feel empowered, there’s many, many ladies in other pantheons who are more appropriate for goyim (those who are not Jewish). Honestly, if i were a non-Jewish witch I would love Eve and even as a Jewish witch I still love her. Like your free will? Thank her. Stay away from the lady who was written to eat babies. 

Also, young witches are also a big problem when it comes to this. You're naive. Hell I’m still young I’m definitely still naive. But I’m learning. You should be too, learning what you shouldn’t use in your practice because it’s appropriation. 

And I mentioned before in my responses that some people have deities and entities come to them, not the other way around. I’ve dealt with this situation with another involving Lilith as said deity/entity before. Let’s have a hypothetical situation. You see Loki in your dreams. You’re not a Norse Pagan. He talks to you. When you wake up you feel this connection between you and him. You research. You find out about Norse Paganism and since you feel so connected to one of its deities, you study more of it and eventually become a Norse Pagan. People can get involved in certain religions or practices because of such experiences. Why can’t the same be done with Liltih and Judaism?

Now, Norse Paganism is an open practice. With closed ones it’s different, especially with African and Native American practices. But I say the underlying concepts and ideas still apply in concerns to Judaism. You’re free to join us. If you actually really feel connected to her, then I bet you 9/10 you’ll feel connected to Judaism and its concepts as well and end up converting. It’s a long process and yes, it’ll require a lot of work. But if you really want it you’ll do it. Getting into studying magic in itself is a massive undertaking. If you want it, you can do it. And if you want to become Jewish you can do it if you really want it.

I know many young witches who want to work with Lilith will say “but I’m too young I can’t convert!” Well guess what? If you really want it you can sit down and wait and when you’re 18 you can convert. Study Judaism in the meanwhile. Help out your local Jewish community. Be an ally to us. We’ll greatly appreciate it and it’ll help with the conversion. If it’s too much of a hassle to wait, hopefully you’ll learn you made a mistake as your young naive self and have more wisdom for your practice, because we all make mistakes and we all should learn from them. And definitely still stand with us as an ally against anti-semitism! And if you still work with and worship her after all that without the conversion, then you’re just an approperiating asshole. Why she would want to work with you is beyond me. Even being “against anti-semitism” is a futile effort because clearly no you’re not. 

Also, please do not work with Lilith while you’re converting. Wait till after. You made it so far doing it all right only to ruin it by doing that. Plus by doing so you’re honestly just showing 1) you only converted for Lilith 2) you don’t actually respect the rest of Judaism and 3) Honestly you’re just an asshole trying to cover your tracks.

For any witches who do fully convert or those thinking on it: you can still be a witch and do pagan things as a Jew! Look at me. Look at my mom. Look at @will-o-the-witch. Nobody will judge you for it (you’ll find we’re a very open-minded and accepting community). Even rabbis will be open to it and might give you resources! So don’t be scared. We’ll welcome you.

One big thing, don’t just do nothing when you are officially Jewish. Attend services at a synagogue. Help out at your local JCC. Celebrate the holidays. Don’t just turn Jewish because some kid on Tumblr told you to if you wanted to work with Lilith. If you’re just going to ignore all of it when it’s done, then why even bother? It makes you another asshole just covering their tracks. If this is what you’re gonna do, don’t do it.

Also, please note my whole ramble on conversion is meant for people who genuinely feel a powerful connection to Lilith which should extend to the whole of Judaism. Don’t convert or even consider it if you’re only vaguely interested in her and the religion. Research is fine but active practice is a whole new bucket of worms. You’ll waste your time and everyone else’s time with a conversion if you’re not fully involved and into it. Attend or watch (with the pandemic and that) a service or two and see how you think of it. Research research research as well and decide after you’ve done the two. It’ll likely be a no at the end if you are not genuinely interested. Or you may end up genuinely interested in Judaism by doing those things. Just always make sure you’re 100% confident in your choice for this if you’re going to actually convert. It’s a big move and not one to be taken lightly. 

So, TLDR for the whole conversion thing: you either end up realizing your mistake and growing as a person and witch, you reveal yourself as a true asshole, or you end up in a community you’re happy in. Think hard and long. Question your interest and connections. Don’t not get involved in Jewish things if you do convert.

I didn’t expect this to end up mostly about conversion at the end but oh well. I hope this helps or provides some insight. For any questions please just dm or send me an ask. Any anti-semitism or hate will be ignored because I don’t have time for your shit.