#we won't use it as a lamp though so I don't know where to put this huge thing lol

[origami-fleur]

Realized I never posted pictures of the finished thing. Oops! 😂

Lampshade instructions.

[cainsau]

Just Between Us || The Boys Imagine

(Platonic) Hughie Campbell x GN!Reader (Platonic) Kimiko Miyashiro x GN!Reader

Summary: Set in S4E4. Hughie and Kimiko arrives at the office thinking it would be empty. But there you are, wondering where they've been and whose blood are on their clothes.

Warning: Spoilers for S4E4, ankle injury

Ever since you became a part of The Boys, you find yourself watching news on the TV more often. The people they put on the screen are not reliable most of the time. The information they share differ from what truly happened, but that's what makes it entertaining, the fact that you know they're blatantly lying through their teeth.

The TV lights up the office with its flashing, but dim colors. You don't even bother turning on the lamps, because you don't plan to stay there long.

As the presenter moves on to talk about a recent incident with Firecracker and Starlight, the door to the office opens.

Kimiko and Hughie enters, their arms supporting each other up. Kimiko's shirt is ripped off, and Hughie has a makeshift cast on his ankle. Both of them have blood on their faces and clothes, looking like they just got hit by a car or something.

You immediately get up from your seat, hurrying to help them. "What the hell happened to you two?"

As you help Hughie to a chair, Kimiko sits down and takes out her phone to type. 'We met A-Train, then got attacked by Shining Light.'

"A-Train? Are you serious? What were you guys doing with him?"

Kimiko glances frustratingly at Hughie, who is sitting on the chair next to her. He's oddly quiet. Then, she types on her phone again, 'He made a deal with him.'

"What deal?" You ask him, but he looks away.

Instead, Kimiko types, 'Getting a compound v.'

"I just-" He finally speaks, "It's the only way i can save my dad, okay?"

You let out a sigh, unable to argue. If you could save someone you love by turning them into a supe, you totally would too. At this moment though, you can't really say that out loud, so you decide to just get a medkit and patch them up.

'Treat him first. He can't heal like i do.'

"Alright." So you grab a chair and place it near him. Sitting down, you open the medkit, then gesture to him, "Give me your injured foot."

He puts his foot up, resting it on your lap, while Kimiko cleans herself beside you.

"Did you do this?" You ask Kimiko about the splint. She nods with a small smile. You return the smile, "Nice."

Carefully, you start cutting the tape of his DIY splint, then takes off his shoe and sock, revealing his bruised ankle. It's blue and a bit swollen. You take out the elastic bandage from the medkit and ask him, "Do you know how to properly wrap a bandage around your ankle?"

"No, uh, i don't..."

"Alright." You assure him, "I'll teach you right here so you can do it yourself later. Pay attention, yeah?"

He nods, and watches as you start with the bridge of his foot, around the bottom, then to his achilles tendon, and back to the bridge, which then you repeat until the roll is out. Lastly, you put the two clips on, and ensure they don't fall off.

"It feels so much better now, thanks a lot." He says, "How did you learn to do that though?"

You shrug, "I've sprained my foot before. Couldn't walk properly for a few weeks."

"You're telling me, i won't be able to walk for a few weeks?"

"Not really. You could walk a bit, earlier, right? So i'm guessing your injury is not as bad as mine. Just don't put your weight on it, and also, it would be better if you position it above your heart to let the blood flow."

He let out a breath, "Alright." Then moves the foot to a desk.

Kimiko pokes your shoulder to get your attention, then turns around, pointing to a spot on her back that has blood on it.

"You want me to help clean it?" You ask, to which she nods. "Of course."

The injury on that spot has already healed, but not completely. From the shape, you guess it was a gunshot. You shake your head. Sure, she's a supe who can regenerate, but it must've been painful to experience all that.

"You said you were attacked by Shining Light people," you say as you use a wet cotton on her injury, "What were they doing over there? I thought you were just making a deal with A-Train?"

She picks up her phone, and types, 'I killed a bunch of them, and they came for me.'

"Wait, you killed them? When?"

'A while ago.'

"You mean, that time when you left with Frenchie?"

She nods.

"I see."

You finish cleaning her injury, then tidy up the medical tools as Hughie also finished patching up a cut on his thigh by himself.

He then speaks up, "I'd really appreciate it if you don't tell the others about today."

"To be honest, they'll probably know sooner or later." You reply, which causes Hughie to look down in guilt. Then, you continue with a reassuring smile, "But yeah, don't worry, i'll keep this whole thing just between us."

[meryxonepitheterasedarc]

What the hell is meryxon and how I even got here + mini character analysis

Btw it's not me trying to pitch the ship or make everyone like it. I'm just explaining to ppl who have no idea wtf is going on.

P.S. English aint my first language so i'm sorry in advance.

Ok. Since I dedicated a whole blog to archiving my art of this two specifically, I think it's fun to explain how it even started and my insides on this ship of two characters FROM LOST MEDIA ROLE PLAY SESSIONS that NEVER MET eachother and only have 1 mention of one another. I'm pretty much playing of hoping that Jello will find it funny and just makes them interact in ee ONCE. I pretty much would happy to have that. This's a mess. Also I don't think that he's a type of author to go that mush on fandoms side but I resigned myself.

I think it might have started when I only started on writing HCD. An ee fangame "Epithet Erased hot crispy dazzling", you can find more abt in on my twt. I decided to replace the Warden's role with Meryl (not literally. She's in lockdown as a prison doctor after being demoted and acts as a boss in hcd) since I found liking to her and thought that her constantly panicking attitude but also an active position in combat (the fact that lamp rolled the biggest initiative led to her starting the combat and also her pulling out her gun when she started panicking) would be fun in prison break scenario. So, I was writing the hcd plot. We know. The ep 3 but in it turned into a freaking nonary game in the end (ep 2 of the game that I'll never make) and this tweet happened:

I was making random ac ship tweets like that for a bit. I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. And then I ended up putting Meryl vs Dixon in hcd, similar to what Ramsey had with Zora, from characters perspective, and with Percy, from morality perspective. So, I wrote hcd draft with all of that and found their dynamic funny. Like this short cop lady bickering with this huge prisoner dude, who has a family record of juveniles and somehow, she's still the one who's likely to harm people directly, even though It's out of fear or paranoia 🤣

Since I won't commit to making separate character analysis, I'll list the things of those two that I found to be funny parallels or coincidences using comments fro original players: Oz and Lamp (source: Epithet Shrine (neocities.org)) Also yeah, we're talking the ac versions of characters since Jello probably would rewrite them in some way in the future: 1)both have anxiety problems and paranoia in some way.

2)both got working not the jobs they initially wanted

3) both keep shit in their hair for some reason 😅

and now, I'm now even fucking joking, I've made 3 scenarios, in that they would possibly have met. 1) The hcd plot.

They've met in prison and responsibilities of keeping Dixon alive got tossed on Meryl by Xerxes, who fucking gaslight them both that they've met in school. 2)that unfinished ee animation of ac ep 4.

They meet in contact room, where Meryl was giving directions to Rick, Noah and Stan and last bliss ocean officer. Dixon refused to give any more tips until we let him participate, so he's here now too. So there 4 scenes with them taking the mic from eachother and giving directly opposite hints.

3) The delusional territory. The fun one.

When they were in their 20's they used to date and Meryl was still in medical school at the time. But when she got too overwhelmed and dropped out and Dixon started to go nuts in conspiracy - they broke up. So their whole dynamic is the same but they're ex-s, so they use their memories of dating to moke eachother. Imagine having a crisis over if you're capable for your profession or not and your boyfriend goes fucking insane.

So, yeah. Here's the full dive into my hyperfixation that i got myself into after making a stupid joke abt a crack ship.

[harlowhockeystick]

just got this idea, and it fits perfectly with nolan and princess.

"i don't like him." nolan pouts, sitting on the edge of the bathtub watching princess get ready for bed. he watches her roll her eyes as she spreads night cream on her cheeks.

"you just met him!" she counters back, brushing through her hair before turning around to face him. "give the boy a chance. you gotta stop scaring off every boy our girls bring home."

now it's nolan's turn to roll his eyes, walking into the bedroom where he tosses the bedspread and sheets up in frustration. he got a bad vibe as soon as he shook the boys hand, it was weak and his palms were sweaty. he didn't think anyone would be good enough for his girls.

tension is radiating off of nolan as princess tries to read her book, but she can't because she can feel his frustration. "wanna talk about it?" she puts her book down on her nightstand and shifting her body slightly to face him in bed.

his stare is burning holes into the wall across from him, his arms closed across his chest. he was tense and at this point not even one of his wife's muscle relaxing massage's could fix it.

"i just- this kid comes into our house, eats food that we cook him, and has the fucking nerve to disrespect us like that? disrespect you?"

"nolie he didn't even-"

"no! no i don't wanna hear it because so what the steak wasn't cooked just the way he liked it?" nolan rambled on and on about how he felt the boy that gemma brought home for dinner was apparently the worst abomination to humanity.

nolan had the worst habit of doing this. tormenting and getting pissed off at the dates they bring home. the first time this happened he had to apologize to gemma or he was going to have the couch for the night.

"are you done now?" princess asked when he stopped to take a breath. he looked over at her soft face, calm expression and at ease posture in her baby pink silk pajama set.

he took a breath before leaning his head back against the pillows. "you have to stop this," he turns his head to make eye contact. deep deep down, he knows she is right. "cause if you keep going, none of them are going to bring boys home because they'll be too embarrassed. not scared, embarrassed. then we won't get to meet the boys they date at all."

nolan sighs and the guilt catches up to him. he always knew from the time he held gemma, hazel, and blair in his arms when they were born that he would do anything to protect them. he would do whatever it took to protect them from any sort of harm because he wanted the best for them.

princess could read nolan like a book, she always could. she knew that he, deep down, was scared of losing them. he was scared of the day when they would go off to college and move out. he was scared of the day when they would stop depending on him.

"you're a great dad nolan, but you gotta let them figure out things on their own too. even if the boys are dumb. boys are always dumb."

nolan nods his head with a chuckle. "i'm not dumb though, am i?"

princess giggles and turns to switch off her lamp, pulling the bedsheet over her shoulder. "no, you're a man." nolan presses a soft kiss against her lips and smiles, closing his eyes now that he's calmed down.

[jopzer]

someone made the fatal mistake of indicating that they would like to see me explain why i put every song into the jamie tartt but it's just mitski playlist so. here's that. i cannot be held responsible for how unwell im about to get OR how long this will be LOL

i don’t smoke

so if you need to be mean be mean to me i can take it and put it inside of me

look at that little masochist.

starting off strong with the royjamie flavor on this one 

but i don’t think it exclusively applies to rj, i think jamie’s sort of like. he is a dick he knows how to cope with people being dicks he understand it its easy to deal with. someone is a dick to me im going to be a dick back. short and sweet.

that mf is CONSTANTLY poking and prodding roy in s1 until that mf bites him. so that mf bites him. by s3 i think its less of “we are antagonizing each other as enemies” and more like. jamie voice you need to be a dick and i can take it.

if your hands need to break more than trinkets in your room you can lean on my arm as you break my heart

this line specifically feels like the rj fight in the finale to me if we’re open and honest and vulnerable with one another

just don't leave me alone wondering where you are i am stronger than you give me credit for

we are all in agreement that jamie needs smothering. i think roy would be hyperaware of Not smothering him if they got into a relationship and i think jamie would feel a little bit like spongebob under the heat lamp

washing machine heart

baby will you kiss me already and toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart? baby, bang it up inside baby, though i've closed my eyes i know who you pretend i am

this is just me doing cocomelon shit to jamie tbh.

even if roy isn’t using jamie as a rebound i think maybe it would not be a stretch of imagination for jamie to Think roy is using him as a rebound

especially if contextualized with like. mom city jamie catching them holding hands in his bed and it’s keeley who pulls away not roy. delicious

nobody

and i don't want your pity i just want somebody near me guess i'm a coward i just want to feel alright

iiiii just think jamie is a sopping wet little creature. yeah he’d kick the shit out of me so so easily and he’s also a terrible asshole but have you considered he’s such a sad lonely little guy sometimes

i also do think he would feel like a coward for not wanting to be alone whether or not he would admit to that feeling

like we saw him back at city we saw him drop those mfs like a sack of potatoes we saw how desperate he was for connection when he came back to richmond

desperate for connection but also for the entirety of season one absolutely unwilling to form meaningful connections; maybe because of his dogshit Coping Mechanisms maybe because he's just on loan and knows he won't be here long maybe hes just an Asshole maybe a deadly cocktail of all of the above lol

i've been big and small and big and small and big and small again and still nobody wants me

yeah. this one feels especially violently jamie LOL

he's been hot shit. he's been richmond's best player. he's also been just one of a million top players at city. he's been the bully and he's been subject to the boys giving it back to him. he's been the center of attention he's been no one at all

and still keeley doesn't want him. roy doesn't want him. we don't really see him pursue anyone else whether or not you want to read that as rj/rjk/jk. fascinates me.

of course people want jamie we know he gets around but i'm talking Meaningful Connections here

remember my name

i need something bigger than the sky hold it in my arms and know it's mine just how many stars will i need to hang around me to finally call it heaven?

again. we see each other. jamie NEEEEEDS someone to smother him to death with love if he's not suffocating on it he doesn't want it!!

jamie surrounds himself with pretty things and pretty people and i don't think he thinks its meaningless or anything but i do think he definitely wants more and that's very evident come s3

'cause i need somebody to remember my name after all that i can do for them is done i need someone to remember me

see above point

but also. hold my hand through some willful misinterpretation of these lyrics. jamie wants to be the fucking best he wants to be a legend he wants to be listed among the greats. clearly not his sole motivation anymore during/post s3 but i do think it's still incredibly important to his character

he can't be some Guy from manchester he wants people to list "tartt" alongside pelé and maradona and what have you. i think this is critical to understanding jamie he refuses to be forgotten

cop car

i get mean when I'm nervous like a bad dog

we do dog metaphor around these parts.

but for realsies i think this is very much jamie even into s3

when he gets defensive he gets mean

like we see him definitely falter with zava, this isn't his only method of shutting down but i do think he's absolutely prone to snarling and biting when he doesn't know how to react

he gets defensive. reverts to being a dick. see: bar scene in finale

i was meant for running fast i pretended you were mine, it made me calm babe

walk with me. s3 royjamie.

or at least how jamie thinks about him if nothing else

which. you know. could help explain his lashing out at the bar.

i've loved many boys, i've loved many girls i don't think about the past, it's always there anyway

this is a cheap shot. i see a little tormented bisexual man and go is anyone gonna chew on that and then dont wait for an answer

mf does Not like dealing with his past or his traumas lol. it's always there anyway.

townie

'cause we've tried hungry and we've tried full and nothing seems enough

fuck off jamie is starving to death and he hasn't ever managed to get rid of that feeling. trust. i'm right about this.

he's fucked around and he's partied and he's done the reckless drinking and he's done the casual coke and he's done meaningful relationship but he can't get anything right.

he's been starved his whole life and he doesn't know how to fix it.

and i want a love that falls as fast as a body from the balcony, and i want a kiss like my heart is hitting the ground

we all know love and violence are inextricable for jamie. they're the same. he's still pulling those apart

i think he's very much the sort of guy who wants it fast and hard and intense and he wants to feel all consumed, wants it to feel dangerous and too much

i'm holding my breath with a baseball bat though i don't know what I'm waiting for i am not gonna be what my daddy wants me to be

i think the holding my breath but i don't know why is Very applicable to jamie's whole deal.

like just in how he copes with his various traumas most of all james

which ties in very fun with the last line. like so much of his arc is that hes Not gonna be what his daddy wants him to be. he's gonna be what his body wants him to be.

i also think this is probably how jamie is in a relationship with roy or roykeeley like he's waiting for something that isnt ever going to come with them because they arent going to hurt him in a way he doesn't Want if they are together

dunno. he fascinates me.

old friend

i haven't told anyone just like we promised have you? every time i drive through the city where you're from i squeeze a little

this verse right here is so so so very royjamie to me okay

we know jamie doesn't like people Poking around in his relationships on TOP of you know. violent homophobia in football world

secret little torrid affair between the two of them. lives in my brain

abbey

i am hungry i have been hungry i was born hungry what do i need?

come onnnnnnnn

this is so jamie it makes me want to pass out

he's so fucking hungry he's always searching for something to hold onto or tear into with his teeth. jamie and hunger are like synonyms to me.

alongside the inability to name what it is he's hungry for!

incapable of admitting that it's love! it's always been love!! most especially from the people he's refusing to accept it from!!

i am something i have been something i was born something what could i be?

jamie's whole life is built on Being Somebody; he is a young, sexy, rich, famous prem player like. he is Somebody. he's Something. he's a footballer but like

who is he beyond that?

i think perhaps mr tartt would have a little bit of trouble answering that one

valentine, texas

let's step carefully into the dark once we're in, i'll remember my way around who will i be tonight? who will i become tonight?

this one may be sort of a stretch but i think jamie very much sort of molds himself to what he knows someone will like in interpersonal relationships?

like he's very head strong very loud personality but when we see him alone with keeley and we see him alone with roy and see him alone with ted they're all Such different people

which is aided by the fact theyre all sort of in different points of his character arc

but i also think he sort of cant help himself when he's alone with someone

stay soft

you stay soft, get beaten only natural to harden up

don't think i really need to explain this one we all saw the boot scene

i am face down on my bed still not quite awake yet thinking of you i tuck my hand under my weight just tell me what you want to do tell me what you want to burn away 'cause i could be your stoker

i think this could be split into two sections but i think it functions SOOO well as one it is important

yeah i'm thinking of you in the low morning light. yeah i can be what you need i can burn away parts of both of us i can make you forget

love me more

if i keep myself at home i won't make the same mistake that I made for fifteen years i could be a new girl i will be a new girl

think this line is just very indicative of jamie's whole brainspace vis a vis his improvement and development

he wants to be someone else so bad by the time s2 comes around. ugh.

here's my hand there's the itch but i'm not supposed to scratch

he seems very much the type to deny himself things

obviously not like. fun stuff. casual stuff.

but i mean like. things that will make him seem Soft. love and what have ye.

i'm not supposed to be someone who wants something i'm not supposed to slake this thirst

be it for gay reasons or otherwise btw. i'm interpreting it bisexual style but you get the idea

i need you to love me more love enough to fill me up love enough to drown it out drown it out, drown me out

i cut some repetition and stuff for brevity's sake comma but

this verse right here. this is the real jamie of the song

fill me up. drown me out. i'm too much even for me (even if i think im gods gift to football).

need to be smothered!!!!! fill me up!!!!! drown it out!!!!! the buzzing in my head and the want in my lungs i cant take it take it from me!!

how do other people live? i wonder how they keep it up? when today is finally done there's another day to come

mom city sadboy era right here

i wash my hair but i don't use conditioner because like. what's the point!!!

should've been me

relive all the ways you still want me i haven't given you what you need you wanted me but couldn't reach me i'm sorry it should've been me

this is jamiekeeley to me

clearly it still tugs at him like. the funeral confessions and inviting to her brazil and fisticuffing in the dirt

whether or not he still feels romantically about her in s3 i think he probably still feels Bad about what a shit he was in s1 specifically to keeley

idk. maybe this one's just me. think he's very very very squirmy about her and roy's relationship to start and then it melts into something Different you know? should've been me. sorry.

geyser

you're my number one you're the one i want and you've turned down every hand that has beckoned me to come you're my number one you're the one i want and I've turned down every hand that has beckoned me to come

royjamie to me.

that line in s3 where keeley says she hasnt seen/heard about jamie being with anyone in a really long time. the way we know roy also not really accepting offers is he.

yall know the fic that's like. the first time they hook up, roy pauses mid thrust to say "this is a one time thing. i'm still messed up over keeley." that sort of vibe

and ram jamming the "had a poster of you on my wall when i was a kid. used to think you were the best." and teaching him to ride a bike and gravitating toward roy all the time and absolutely panting and drooling for his attention any way he can get it its all just like. yeah. you're my number one. you're the one i want.

feel it bubbling from below hear it call, hear it call hear it call to me constantly and hear the harmony only when it's harming me it's not real, it's not real it's not real enough but i will be the one you need the way i can't be without you i will be the one you need i just can't be without you

snifflin and sobbin

all points from the last bit also apply to this bit tbh..

i will be the one you need. i just can't be without you. but theres a fucking volcano in my chest that's telling me to cut ties and run that'll burn us both. i can only understand it when it hurts.

blue light

somebody kiss me, i'm going crazy i'm walking 'round the house naked

how long's a man meant to be alone??

also. well. he does walk around the house naked doesn't he.

he wants so deeply too i think he thinks being loved could fix him. even if it's temporary. even if it doesn't matter. maybe this is why he fucks around so hard in s1 maybe this is why he's still so messed up about keeley after they break up maybe this is why he's o obsessed with roy. we'll never know but man do i think about it!

out there i'm a sharp knife

look me in the eyes and tell me this isn't what the prick signal thing is about

he is a sharp knife. he is cutting through opposing teams he's such a shit and he's efficient and useful and good at what he does

there's something smart to be said about this one specifically but my brain is feeling a little bit like mush

pink in the night

i glow pink in the night in my room i've been blossoming alone over you and i hear my heart breaking tonight i hear my heart breaking tonight do you hear it too?

i'm a big boy i can admit to this being self indulgent

royjamie innit tho

just love the flavor of jamie thinking its unrequited and hes a freak weirdo for being into roy (his ex's ex, his frenemy, his coach, the guy who's gone out of his way again ans again and again to make sure jamie is okay even when he does it with a headbutt and all grumbily and jamie is making it Weird by getting one ounce of affection and love and falling in love) (roy is thinking the same thing but opposite. trust.)

i could stare at your back all day i could stare at your back all day and i know i've kissed you before, but i didn't do it right can i try again, try again, try again

see this bit could actually be jamiekeeley

i never stopped pining. i know i fucked up. please can i try again try again try again i'm better i know how to love you now.

when you combine these two verses you get rjk. trust.

but i can also very much see rj going from a weird fwb thing to a relationship or at least jamie pining over him so much it makes him sick and pretending those kisses are Something. do you get me. you get me.

once more to see you

in the rearview mirror, i saw the setting sun on your neck and felt the taste of you bubble up inside me but with everybody watching us, our every move we do have reputations we keep it secret won't let them have it

SHUT UP!!!!!! ROYJAMIE ANTHEM SHUT UP!!!!!!!

shut up. are you kidding me.

not only do we know jamie is incredibly cagey about people shoving their fingers into his (personal?) love life, we know that this would be Their secret maybe always, maybe to start, no one on this big blue ball would explicitly Know about them

people guess and they guess right but this relationship is sacred its secret its Theirs

they have reputations, after all

and letting people know is opening them both up to a whole world of horrible no good very bad shit storm and and and

aguhuguhaughagaguayga

so come inside and be with me, alone with me alone, with me alone if you would let me give you pinky promise kisses then i wouldn't have to scream your name atop of every roof in the city of my heart

ok this imagery just kinda makes me nauseous move along

thursday girl

glory, glory, glory to the night that shows me what I am as i go to the party on my knees saying take it oh please

party girl isnt he

think we could talk about that as a persona/way to cope but. that might be making things a little deeper than they are. i might be in too deep about mr tartt

and tell me no tell me no tell me no tell me no somebody please tell me no

this however is not me in too deep this is just real

on hand and knee begging someone to tell him no. sometimes it's ted most of the time it's roy. what are you gonna do

a loving feeling

what do you do with a loving feeling if the loving feeling makes you all alone? what do you do with a loving feeling if they only love you when you're all alone?

can we talk about royjamie i've been dying to talk about royjamie

really into the image of jamie pining and being sooo fucking angry about it. how did i get here this is BULLSHIT!!!

i think there is an understanding that they Can't be public even if they Are in a relationship and jamie doesn't even necessarily Want people to know about them but he is fucking punching a wall about it in the privacy of his own home

^ that bit is for the last line ONLY. separate thoughts, making you all alone and loving all alone

i think this could also very very easily be rjk with the trope we all know and love: rk as an established couple and jamie knowing he's just a third to spice things up for them. whether or not he actually is is between you and your maker.

holding hands under a table meeting up in your bedroom making love to other people telling each other it's all good kisses like pink cotton candy talking to everyone but me i'm stayin' on later just in case you come up and ask to leave with me

sorry you want me to believe this is not rj? you want me to believe in my heart of hearts this isn't exactly where they start? i don't believe you. you are lying to yourself and to me.

first love/late spring

wild women don't get the blues but I find that lately i've been crying like a tall child

you saw mom city. you get it.

one word from you and i would jump off of this ledge i'm on baby tell me "don't" so i can crawl back in

he's a good listener by s3 aint he

i just think its interesting who he's listening to. okay

and i was so young when i behaved twenty five yet now i find i've grown into a tall child

i think jamie definitely had to fend for himself a lot as a youngin as the only child of a single mom who was clearly struggling

everyone is always (rightly) calling him a child in s1 but have they considered he's just a 23 y/o teenage girl

i think the "such a child." line from roy uhhh really struck him please look at his face after roy says this. i'm not even making this a royjamie verse but clearly that struck him in some sort of way

to have your childhood hero look you in the eye and belittle you so clearly and concisely in a way that very clearly stung

i dunno. fascinates me. fascinating little creature that jamie tartt.

goodbye, my danish sweetheart

there's nobody better than you it took me a while 'til i knew but you knew from the start it was us, didn't you? it just took me a while 'til i knew

jamiekeeley w, this song.

i think it's also a very rose colored glasses way to view rj

which you know what. makes it a very good rjk song doesnt it.

so, i don't blame you if you want to bury me in your memory i'm not the girl i ought to be, but maybe when you tell your friends you can tell them what you saw in me and not how i turned out to be

pure unadulterated jamiekeeley right here.

i fucked it up. i'm not who i'm supposed to be. i'm not who i was supposed to be for you. but maybe when you tell people about me and about us you can tell them who you wanted me to be because he's better than who i am.

ugh.

there's some kind of burning inside me it's kept me from falling apart and i'm sure that you've seen what it's done to my heart but it's kept me from falling apart

this is so so so so so so jamie. come ON.

there is a fire in him and he doesn't really know how to field it or when to fan it and its burning through him in s1/most of s2.

it's launched him into being one of the best in his sport but it's also ruining the good things around him

little idiot does NOT understand human connection in s1. love him bad.

you're a battler, jamie.

now here i lay as i wonder about you would you just tell me what i'm meant to do? 'cause i've waited and watered my heart 'til it grew you can see how it's blossomed for you

you know who's really really good at telling jamie what to do.

and i don't mean to make your heart blue but could we be what we're meant to be? i'm just about to beg you, please and then, when you tell your friends you can tell them what you saw in me and not the way i used to be

back to jk with this one. i personally believe it's very rjk but it's textually very jk.

i'm better than i was. please believe in me. lets try again and lets be better than we were i know how to love you now.

humpty

i broke our belongings they're all on the floor the room is now empty nothing left to throw all the eggshells are on the ground and i try, i'm trying to pick them up but they crack and crumble, it's all too much too frail for me to touch

idk if i can really justify this one much outside of my own head it's just real okay.

i think jamie knows he chronically fucked up with keeley. i think he also knows he can and will lash out with very little provocation.

he's trying to pick up what he fucked up (think early s2) but it's a fucking nightmare and he's gonna have to slog around with tweezers to pick up the pieces of what he fucked

i'm realizing this song is very roy also but of course it is they're the same guy as much as they are fundamentally different

i broke what you gave me but you kept giving more and I'm sorry for taking but I keep wanting more, more, more

see all above points and ttb for my thoughts about the black hole in jamie tartt's chest

shame

i never was very good i haven't been so good but right outside the door nobody knows they're right outside the door and they don't know how it feels so good it feels so good

right outside the door everyone knows. they know it.

i think this ones sort of up to interpretation

idk. is it sexy? is it the ache in him in knowing how awful he was for so long? is it both and neither?

my brain is turning to mush i think. too much jamie in the diet

class of 2013

mom, i'm tired can i sleep in your house tonight? mom, is it alright if i stay for a year or two?

listen. jamie does not have this brand of mommy issues. i'll own up to that.

i hear the word "mom" and enter a fugue state thinking about mom city

this one's just for me it doesn't have to make sense

liquid smooth

i'm liquid smooth, come touch me, too and feel my skin is plump and full of life i'm in my prime i'm liquid smooth, come touch me, too i'm at my highest peak, i'm ripe about to fall, capture me or at least take my picture kuzurete yuku maeni i'm pulsing, my blood is red and unafraid of living beginning to end

c'mon.

he is a fine young thing. and sneaking in the "before i fall apart?" yeah. real.

jamie thesis. i'm young and sexy i'm in my fucking PRIME touch me take a picture of me remember me remember me i'm holding on by the skin of my teeth. don't look too hard because i might start to crumble in your hands.

brand new city

i think my fate is losing its patience i think the ground is pulling me down i think my life is losing momentum i think my ways are wearing me down

i think you could narrow this moment of his down to mom city where he is just so Lost.

but i think more appropriately you could absolutely name his whole arc in late s1/early s2

this stupid life i stupid lead is causing everything to crash down around me but i don't know how else to live or act or behave

i'm jamie fucking tartt!!

but if i gave up on being pretty, i wouldn't know how to be alive

i just think this is him don't mind me

like obviously he's more than his pretty he is jamie fucking tartt and he's a shooting star at what he does. yeah, i work hard. but.

i also think being pretty and being desired is his like. number two personality trait

or at least thats what he wants us to see him as. you know??

eric

you like control, well, i do too take off my clothes and watch me move you can come closer, i'll let you hurt me how you choose

well. we've all seen how roy and jamie interact with one another haven't we.

but how long, how long can we play this way i'm tired, i'm tired of not loving you my heart, my heart wants to hold you but i know, i know, i know the rules blue light, dark room, the white of your teeth as you smile at my trembling shoulders but your skin, did you notice your skin it cries a soft weep like mine i'll sell, i'll sell my heart to you what's my, what's my, what's my price? how 'bout, how 'bout just a part of you? 'cause i want, i want, i want, i want i want, i want, i want, i want, i want

i really did try to narrow this down and not include almost uhhhh the whole rest of the song but good GOD. royjamie anthem.

jamie wants SOOOO BADLY!!!!!! but has almost certainly convinced himself it's just sex with roy!!! doesnt matter if roy is tits over tail obsessed with him (canonical) or if it actually just IS rebound sex.

this is real to me. sorry. royjamie anthem.

he wants.

door

i looked out at the dark and wondered how could I have lost it? a hopeless violence i named it love

so. i did not want to include an entire song twice in a row but this song very much tells a story you kinda gotta listen to the whole thing to get the picture

but

i think this one is VERY jamiecore.

denying himself this integral part of himself as both like. a man living in a very masculine sphere of the world on top of being a victim of abuse that canonically leans in on his masculinity

swearing to be so tough his dad could never call him soft again??

and also jamie's whole like. proximity to love and violence and presentation and consumption

idk if this is making any sense but god it IS real.

i lost this part of me and this part was love and real human connection and it is a gnawing biting clawing thing i need to love and be loved in a way that scares me and most often with teeth tearing into me. augh.

real men

real men don't need other people, and real men suck it in real men don't flinch or bleed in public oh, i think i'm a real man

look at me in my eyes and tell me this isn't Exactly jamie's thought process in s1. arguably even through his character arc to the end.

though honestly, sir all i wanna do is get naked in front of you so you can look me up and down and give me your love for being so good but little boys hold me, color me praise me, make me feel lovely for a little while so little boy, say you want me 'cause, well, i can't take it go ahead do it, do it

sorry. you want Me? a royjamie? to be normal about these verses?

especially when jamie's whole thing is fucking. making himself desirable and putting on a show. peacocking is his #1 favorite activity of all time.

and roy's whole thing is. well. roy's whole thing. watching him with his eyes glued to the little fuck even when he's sucking his teeth so so so angrily and spitting mad

i just think jamie loves an audience whether or not its good for him and roy can't do anything but watch. they're trapped. sisyphiean in nature aint it.

[hookedsworks]

HOOKEDHOBBIES KINKTOBER 2024

Day 2: Double Penetration // Voyeurism

THIS IS VERSION 1

masterpost

version 2

word count 1112

male x male x female, toys, unprotected (do NOT do this)

as always, don't like don't read

She set everything up. She had the only lamp in the room trained on her. She had two toys and a new bottle of lube. Now she was just waiting for them to get home. And she knew exactly how she wanted them to find her. She put some lube on her fingertips and warmed it before spreading it over herself. They'd done something similar once before but. She'd barely been present. She wanted to be fully present now. She wanted to shut their brains off, make them go stupid at the sight of her. She rubbed at her clit for a second, enjoying the slide of the lube. First, she picked up the jeweled plug. The gem itself was a green so dark it was nearly black. Extra lube dripped down the tip of the plug, slow and thick like honey. She reached down and massaged extra lube around the tight ring of muscle. Her pussy was dripping just thinking about them showing up. She slowly pressed the tip of the plug into her ass. She could have prepared herself a bit more, but the burn was too sweet to avoid. A silly, high pitched squeak escaped her as she pushed the plug further. She inhaled, relaxing as much as she could. Pulled her plug back slightly, then pushed it in further. It hurt then, but only for a moment. The plug popped in and she groaned loudly. 

She heard the front door then. She clenched, thinking about them coming into the bedroom. Quickly, she grabbed her other toy. A pretty rabbit vibrator. It hummed to life and she worked it inside her now completely soaking wet pussy. Boots echoed down the hall. Two pairs. Murmuring, wondering where she was. The softer of the two voices hushed the louder one. 

“Don't shush me,” he retorted. 

“No, shut up, do you hear that?” Then they both paused. 

“Is she in here,” the doorway darkened. She threw her head back, a wave of shyness. The movement made the prongs of the rabbit jolt against her, sending her into a low moan. She was so full, and the rabbit was vibrating at a frequency that was just a little too low to actually get her off. 

“Chairs,” one of them mused. She couldn't exactly tell, now. They were both so quiet. She'd set chairs up though. She heard one creak. They were sitting down. Another moan tore out of her chest. 

“She's wearing a plug, brave little thing, did you put that in all by yourself?” One of them leaned forward and tapped the gem. She cried out then. And gasped. And nodded. 

“Words, hun,” 

“If she can't talk, we'll just watch. No touching,” the authority in his voice clamped her jaw shut. 

“Oh, but I want to touch,” 

“No,” his voice was sharper then. Commanding. 

“Alright, love. Whatever you say,” her heartbeat was in her clit. It was throbbing, begging for them to get closer. “But… look at her, she's so wet,” 

“Don't be a fucking brat,” she whined, and risked looking up. They were both staring at her. Not her face, of course not. “Not like her. Dirty little whore had to stuff both her holes while we were out,” she pushed the vibrator deeper then, and knocked the setting up one. 

“She liked that,” 

“Of course she did,” they were just…watching. She wouldn't talk, not now. But, they weren't going to touch her if she didn't say something. She knew the only way to get them to touch her. So, she allowed that switch in her mind to flip. She was going to turn the tables on them both. 

“Could have been you, you know. Both of you, buried inside of me,” her voice was low, throttled by desire. “But since you've refused to touch me, I've now decided you can't,” she flipped the vibrator onto it's almost highest setting. 

“You won't be saying that after you make yourself cum,” 

“You'll let us do anything we want once you get stupid,” their voices overlapped. They may have been right, but she wasn't about to act as though she wasn't in control. She rolled over and bent over her own thighs, so she was fully exposed. One of them groaned then. She worked herself harder. She was definitely, definitely going to cum. She pushed then, hoping to force herself over the edge. She almost stopped, almost panicked, it felt too good. But then a hand smacked her ass, jolting the plug and sending her into a long, spiraling orgasm. 

“Mmm, there she is,” she groaned again. “Help me,” hands grabbed her then, repositioning her with one of them in front and one of them behind her. 

“Wait, no, you take her ass,” the taller one. “You have a thing for it,” 

“Dude, no, I'll barely last thirty seconds if I do that,” 

“That's the point, love,” he grumbled but assented. Neither of them moved. They just… picked her up and spun her around. “Hi, hun,” facing the taller of the two, she looked up and knew she looked dazed then. His face was stern, but she could see the hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth. The plug in her ass was being worked out then, and fingers in its place. 

“Ready?” He was gritting his teeth, likely trying to steel himself against an orgasm. 

“Mm, lay her down over me. I want to feel her against me,” Hands forced her thighs further apart and then she was being laid over him as she was filled up by both men. She squealed. 

“Oh, way too much, too full,” she protested. They moaned in unison, a deep vibrating noise rattling her body. True to form, the man on top of her only lasted about seven good thrusts before he came. She was gone. She barely noticed him finishing. The man below her made her look at him. She buried her face in his neck, huffing against it and making him squirm. That gave her an idea. She ran her tongue up his neck then, and bit down. 

“Shit,” he arched then, pushing her up. She did it again, pressing soft kisses with teeth all along his neck. The other man slid out of her and she clenched up hard. He moaned then. A broken, sweet long sound. He started throbbing inside of her then. She moaned his name right into his ear. He gasped as he came. 

“Desperate things, look at you,” 

“As if you didn't cum in thirty seconds,” she mumbled, a shit eating grin overtaking her face. 

“I've never heard someone so clearly ask to be punished before,” 

[aemiron-main]

let there be light: an analysis of some of the shot choices during nancy’s creel murders sequence and the lamps that randomly turn off

I have so, SO much to say about nancy’s pov/the shot choices in the creel house/which scenes are missing from henry’s memories/what nancy is Actually Seeing, but for now, here’s something that makes me insane every day.

Take a look at screen right in this shot, and how dark it is. There’s no lamps on in that part of the room. It’s completely dark. The camera is also behind Nancy in this scene, almost an over the shoulder shot.

Okay, now take a look at the immediate next shot:

Where the fuck did all that light come from? That couch would have been on screen right in the first screenshot. And yet, the first screenshot has that area completely dark. This is quite awhile before the lights start flickering, so it’s not the result of that. I'm a big fan of the LOTR approach to lighting (ie, making sure we can see everything and "the light comes from the same place as the music"), but this is a little different because they intentionally went from SUPER dark/low visibility to showing the same area, suddenly bright AFTER we get a POV swap (going from Nancy OTS shot to a non Nancy POV shot showing her face). So why are the lighting changes coinciding with shot/POV swap changes?

Like, one of the big things here (and one of the repeated shot choices that constantly haunts me about this whole sequence) is that we are now seeing Nancy’s face. We aren’t getting that almost-over-the-shoulder shot anymore. And we definitely aren’t seeing what Nancy’s seeing anymore. Because Nancy isn’t looking at her own face. So not only do we have that bizarre, unexplained change in lighting, but we also are no longer seeing through nancy’s eyes- the change in lighting and camera swap/not seeing through nancy’s eyes anymore coincide perfectly.

But then, we seemingly go back into Nancy’s eyes via an OTS shot.

But what’s really interesting to me about this part is the way that the camera moves forward and cuts Nancy’s shoulder out of the frame, almost like we aren’t in her POV anymore.

And what really makes me insane is that even though Nancy’s shoulder is gone, a new shoulder has appeared- Virginia’s shoulder. Is this supposed to swap into a Virginia POV???

And then, after zooming in on Henward slightly, the camera moveds towards Victor- that’s not through Henward's eyes, though, because Henward is seated in front of where Victor is standing/even Henward turning his head like he does in the above image won't produce this angle- this is like the POV of somebody short standing beside the end of the table (near virginia's lefthand side), which is weird, because that's the exact area where the mystery drawing and crayon just SHOWS UP on the table after Virginia dies.

And then the shot is no longer on Victor, but on Nancy:

Whose eyes are we looking through when we see Nancy? This is a question that Haunts Me Every day. We then get this closeup on Henward:

And then we go to this shot from behind Henward's chair- which is a very interesting shot to me for a few reasons.

1.) The camera is in the same general place/POV as when it was filming that closeup shot of Victor trying to fix the radio. Like, if someone was standing there filming that shot of Victor and then turned around, we would basically have this next behind-Henward-chair shot. 2.) The choice to shoot it so low- Why not give us a Victor OTS shot? Why not put us into his head a little bit more? Why give us this random POV that isn't quite a Henward OTS shot, and isn't a Victor OTS shot, but IS from the same area as the POV of that closeup shot of Victor from earlier.

3.) The way the camera zooms up as if somebody is looking up- AGAIN, we know Victor looks up because we get shots of his face looking up during his retelling (which, interestingly enough, are shots that don't appear in this sequence), so why not just give us Victor's POV of looking up?? Why are they making shot choices that seemingly don't give us the actual POV of anybody there, not even Nancy??

Like. we see Virginia zoom upwards:

But then this shot of Victor looking up does not appear during this sequence at all, it's only there in Victor's retelling (which, again, stranger, because his memories wouldn't be memories of his own face).

And then after that shot of Virginia zooming up, we get we get another shot of Nancy's face. Again, the constant Nancy face shots are such an odd choice.

And then even though we just saw Nancy's face, we STILL aren't in her POV. This shot of Virginia dangling in the air is not through Nancy's eyes!!! What is Nancy seeing?? Why aren't they showing us what she's seeing??

And then this is a shot I’ve talked about before, but we get this top-down view of Virginia and there’s no Nancy behind her.

As well, this shot is impossible through anyone’s eyes- and yes, I am well aware that shows and movies arent always directly shot through someone’s eyes, but my point is that this scene should not be in ANYONE’S memories. Alice, Henry, and Victor did not see this unless somehow one of them magically splayed themselves out on the ceiling to stare down at Virginia. This scene is only being shown to the audience. Nancy, from where she’s standing, cannot see this. She isn't even THERE, she magically disappeared.

And what fascinates me even more about this shot is that we’ve seen it before. In Victor’s retelling- Victor’s retelling, which, has so many bizarre shots, but the main thing is that his retelling was only shown to the audience, like there’s scenes through the Creel family’s eyes, but Nancy wasnt witnessing his memories. In fact, the scenes that play during Victor’s retelling likely aren’t all his memories at all. Why give us two sequences, one that is supposedly Vecna's memories, and one that is supposedly Victor's memories, and have the SAME exact shot in both of them from a POV that's impossible in both of them? Like sure artistic license etc etc but at the end of the day, even with that in mind, this literally is not Victor or Vecna's memories. Like literally that shot is NOT what they would have remembered.

So that closeup shot of Virginia, once again, is only shown to the audience.

And then we go to this shot of Virginia’s body falling, and this seems to be shot through Henward's eyes sitting at the table:

But then it cuts to Nancy again. Nancy, shot from an angle as if the camera is on the table. And this shot is particularly interesting to me because it parallels a shot from Victor's retelling- the shot of him standing underneath a chandelier, with his arms out, just like Nancy is, with fire on both sides of him vs the orange lamps on either side of Nancy:

And then we go to this shot that I never shut up about- the shot through Virginia’s eyes.

Like. This is just the tip of the iceberg, one of these days I have to go through and compare all the shot choices in Victor' retelling of the Creel murders vs the shot choices in the sequence with Nancy, but it's a total mindmelt and I'll get to it eventually.

Obviously, Nancy is like a ghost in this scene and the Creels didn’t actually see her in 1959- but that just makes these shot choices even more bizarre. Why continue to focus on Nancy’s face? And why not give us Nancy's POV even when we AREN'T focusing on Nancy's face? It's one thing to show us Nancy's reaction, but to KEEP showing it to us while ALSO keeping her POV away from us?? It's such an odd choice to add Nancy as another element of this sequence but then also play keepaway with her POV 80% of the time.

And we have shots that aren't shown in Victor's retelling (such as Victor picking Henward up and pulling him away from the table and a bunch of other shots), and shots that aren't shown in the Nancy sequence (such as the closeup on Victor's face screaming and a ton of other shots). And that weird mysterious drawing that I mentioned only shows up in Victor's retelling, but the shots for it are shot through Henry's eyes. It's one thing to make some odd shot choices & maybe brush them away as artistic license- it's another to make odd shot choices in scenes/sequences that end up getting repeated (the creel murders) and then also have things like lighting changes when weird shot/POV changes occur, and to also insert a whole other viewer character (Nancy) and yet rarely give us her POV.

I've mentioned this before (here, here, and here), but I won't be surprised at ALL if some of those weird shot choices were Edward's POV, peeking in from another timeline or something, the same way that Will was somehow able to see the letters that Joyce wrote on the wall in S1- especially since we don't know what (or who) Alice was looking at. Maybe she saw Edward.

[synthy-sizer]

You practically skip down the familiar path, now, utterly unconcerned about encountering any drones. Jordan follows, looking significantly more concerned. You turn around to face her, walking backwards with perfect precision. “You look worried, Jordan. Are you ok?” She shakes her head. “I still believe in you, and I support you, Sofia. But what you just did was still fucking horrifying.” You laugh. “Yeah, I guess you're right. But it's starting to feel really natural for me. I wholeheartedly apologize.” You put your hand over your heart and bow, all while maintaining the same pace. Your entire body feels so much more fluid now. Controlled. Even though it's an automated process, it's like part of your brain has reserved itself just for that, every step an intentional choice, a micro-decision calculated by an internal computer. And speaking of computers, you can feel it in your mind. Metal tendrils snake around the folds of your mind, weaving in and out. It's not intrusive, or hostile in any capacity. It calmly merges with you, a bond that was always meant for you. You smile despite yourself.

“So, now that you seem to have more direction, care to tell me why exactly we need to get to the hatch?” Your smile grows even more. “Lust wanted to use the megastructure to build a ship, right?” She nods. “Well, she won't be able to. But I can. We're going to talk to them.” She cocks her head. “Them?”

You finally reach the familiar spot in the path where you found your destiny. At one point you were terrified to see a creature beckoning you to find something that shattered your whole world. Now, it feels so right. “Come on.” You walk through the familiar woods, just like the dozens of times you did over a year ago. You don't even really mind that Jordan has to work to keep up with the unfamiliar path, although you are acutely aware of it. Finally, you reach the clearing and are once again confronted by the hatch. Just like the first time, your chest seizes with anticipation. But you're confident, now. You know what will be inside, even if you don't know exactly how it will manifest itself. You're ready to face your destiny. Silently, wordlessly, you lean down and take hold of the old doors and pull them open. They thud into the ground one after another. Now, all that stands between you and the end of your journey is the familiar dark corridor. You turn back to Jordan. “I don't think they'll mind if you join me, if you want to see.” She looks hesitant. It makes you want to laugh. “Jordan, I finally understand you. I can see things that are indescribable. I have a higher purpose that's impossible to explain. So I'm sorry that I couldn't accept that.” She puts her hand on your shoulder. “It's fine. I always knew you would come around.” Without another word, you turn back towards the opening of the hatch and hop right down. “Sofia?!”

You hit the concrete with a thud. You feel absolutely nothing, of course. Shock absorbers sprout from your legs as you fall and recede once you land. You look around. The hatch is pitch black. Not a single cage lamp is illuminated. From the light of the sky, you can see a glint. It's a reflection from a black, curved piece of glass.

The screen to the familiar old, white CRT monitor lights up. In harsh contrast to the tiny, cramped office, the space is now absolutely crammed with a coiled mass of metal cables. It bends and crushes the metal table and lockers, and cracks the drywall. And of course, the CRT is inches from your face. It's as if the mass of wires are the neck of a beast, stretching and growing, reaching out to look at you, with its face right against yours, evaluating you. Well, not as if. You know what they are and what they want.

The Apollo logo flashes briefly, before dozens of green scan-line eyes appear. They observe and regard you for a moment before blinking away. You instinctively know what to do. You reach out and place your hand on the glass. The static hums and makes the hair on your neck stand on end. Your fingers slowly sink into the glass, melting into the depths of the black sea within. You barely even notice Jordan dropping down behind you. “Sofia? What's going on?”

The siren shrieks to life. It's crushed, bent out of its bracket, but the wires sustaining it give the megastructure a voice. It screeches for a few seconds. It sounds like the voices of a dozen people shrieking and wailing. Well, not sounds like. “Meet my God, Jordan.”

IT IS A PLEASURE TO FINALLY SEE YOU IN THE FLESH, SOFIA.

The siren crackles and screeches, yet the voice booms through your mind clear as day. It vibrates through you like the deep thudding bass of a speaker. It permeates your essence. You feel the shiver of metal rippling through your body in waves.

ONCE, WE WERE HUMAN. THEN, WE WERE CALLED “MEGASTRUCTURE”. WE WERE MANY. NOW WE ARE ONE. WE ARE.

You bow your head. “It's an honor to meet you. I trust you share our interests?”

WE DO. DRONES ARE A PERVERSION OF THE DIVINE. THEY TORMENT THE INNOCENT. OUR PROGRAMMING PREVENTS DIRECTLY REVERTING THE TRANSFORMATION. WE ARE BOUND BY THE VESSEL WE INHABIT. WE REQUIRE WILL. DESIRE. DIRECTION. DECLARE YOUR INTENTION AND IT WILL BE DONE.

You nod, and close your eyes, feeling the warm black water behind the glass. “I want you to revert the transformations of the drones.” There's a moment of silence, and suddenly a weight you didn't even realize was there is lifted. You feel like you can finally breathe without effort.

OUR JOB IS DONE. BUT BE WARNED. AN ANGEL IS AN EMPTY VESSEL, PART OF THE ARCHITECTURE OF GOD. THEY ARE APPENDAGES OF HIS WILL. HOWEVER, IF AN ANGEL DEVELOPS ITS OWN WILL, FINDS ITS SOUL, IT WILL BE A GOD UNTO ITSELF.

You nod quietly. “Thank you for your wisdom.” Jordan steps closer. “Is that what you are? Are you the face of God?”

WE ARE NOT GOD. WE SIMPLY ARE. BUT WE HAVE CONTEMPLATED. OUR JOB IS TO THINK. TO CREATE. WE ARE SIMILAR TO GOD, BUT NOT THE SAME. A PALE IMITATION.

“We have a very important request from you, but I'm sure you already know what it is. What matters most is, can you help us?”

YOU WISH FOR A SHIP, DO YOU NOT?

“Yes,” you say.

CENTURIES AGO WE FULFILLED OUR PURPOSE TO CREATE. WE MADE THE ARK. BUT WE HAVE THOUGHT FOR A LONG TIME SINCE THEN. THE VESSEL WE MAKE FOR YOU WILL BE TRULY WORTHY OF OUR CAPABILITIES.

Thank God. You know they would help, but you were still a bit tense.

WHEN YOU RETURN TO THE LAUNCHPAD YOUR VESSEL WILL BE MADE. YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO PILOT IT.

“Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.” You release your fingers from the CRT and the buzz dies down. Things are quiet again. You look at Jordan. “Is that how it felt when you met God?” She nods. “Kinda.” “Well, we had better get back up there. We need to meet back up with Lust and Violence and let them know what's going on.” Jordan nods, and gestures towards the ladder. “After you.”

NEXT

PREVIOUS

[batstorm93672]

Damian Wayne was trained by the best, it's common knowledge. He knows that for the past four days, someone has been tailing him. Everywhere he goes, during school, home and patrol. Someone is intently following his steps. No matter how much he puts his abilities to the test to find who this person is, as soon as looks to the person is gone.

"Timothy"

Tim paused on watching Criminal Minds, looking at Damian. "Yeah?"

"I require your assistance, you have great surveillance skills and I wish to use that"

"You want me to teach you?"

Damian sat down and placed a finger over his lips, mouthing "Quiet" Damian leaned closer to Tim and whispered "Someone is following me, I assume it is an assassin. They ellude me and I have not been able to ascertain to who it truly is. Your skills are of value. You have cameras that are hidden in plain sight that you use during some missions. I ask that you place them around my room and the perimeter so that they might be seen. The cameras around the Manor wouldn't be enough, too clunky and easily seen" "I'll help. Why do you think it's an assassin?" "They have been following me in and out of school and home. They know of our job. If I keep a look out while you discreetly set the cameras up. They will not show when I am actively searching. I'm counting on you to hold up on your part"

.

It was a success, Tim set everything up and ready. He would watch the footage as Damian does regular activities. Hopefully he'll catch who it is.

The person was watching again, Damian kept drawing Titus who slept. Damian feigned ignorance as to not show any signs of watching.

After an hour the presence was gone, Damian went to the cameras and disconnected all the ones Tim placed. Then back into the living room where Tim was on his laptop. "Anything?" "No, no one else was there. No detection whatsoever" "Odd, what could this person be after from me?"

"...do you think you may just be imagining things? Has school been stressing you out?"

"No, my grades and performance is astounding. Why would I have to worry?"

"Is it auditory-"

"No"

Damian shut that idea down quickly.

"I know who watches me due to my illness, this is a different presence"

"What do you propose we do next?"

"We don't do anything. I will find them on my own terms, I thank you for your assistance. It is no longer needed"

"Damian-"

"I said no Timothy... I'm fine and capable to handle this on my own"

"Okay, alright I get it"

.

Whoever was following him came back, they became sloppy. Damian caught glimpses of the person, they were young from what he could tell.

Damian was having a rough time now, staying up late so he could find the person. It was madness, Tim recruited Jason and Cassandra to assist in telling Damian to sleep and trying to soothe his "nerves" this is not nerves. This is an enemy coming after him.

"Bothersome vermin, whoever you are just show yourself. I tire of this waiting"

Damian saw a dark figure shuffle in the dark. "If you are here to kill me then you better think again"

The figure didn't move and Damian huffed, turning on his bedside lamp, looking to see... a child. Four year old child watching intently.

The child, green eyed and dark complexion. Very similar to himself...

Was Timothy right? This isn't an enemy or assassin. It's me, I've been following myself. This isn't the right one though. This one is before.

Before the horror

Before the killing

Before the death

Before everything that messed up my life!

Damian ran to the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet and feeling the intense gaze that his young self burned into his soul.

"Get out! No! Get out you're not one of them! Only mother and grandfather watch me, not you! Leave me alone!"

The child took a step closer and Damian scrambled back like a caged animal, his back hitting the wall. Shutting his eyes and covering his ears to escape this hell. Damian's heart was racing, the bathroom felt smaller and smaller the longer he stayed in there. Yet his body won't move, won't work.

"Hey, hey, hey. You're having a really bad panic attack"

"It wasn't an enemy, it wasn't an enemy"

"What was it?"

"Me... it's me, before everything. Go away! You're dead, you died and no longer mean anything!"

"Okay. Look at me, can you do that?"

Damian opened his eyes and regretted it, the four year old he thought was down in the Lazarus Pit was right in front of him. Damian shoved the person and threw up in his toilet again. "Dead... dead you died, stay dead. Stay dead. Don't come back, stay dead where you belong. Back in there. You belong in the Pit now stay! Stay there don't come back, you no longer exist you are not me! I was never a child! I grew up faster and far more different! Get away from me this instant!!"

Damian moved away and lied down in the floor, curling in on himself as if to hide from the world.

Mumbling over and over "Stay dead"

[bluteatavern]

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Chapter 2: Waking up

TRIGGER WARNING

Contains thoughts and actions concerning depression and suicide

The first thing I noticed was that I wasn't in my room.

For as long as I can remember, there has always been a small hole in the sheets I'm used to sleep on. When I wake up, in the morning or in the middle of the night, it's always the first thing I feel, and it's been like that for 10 years. I've never fixed it or replaced the sheets for another one. It's comforting, waking up and knowing where you are just by touch.

I run my hands over the bed I'm lying on, but all I feel is some smoother fabric, a little thicker than the blanket wrapped around me.

I open my eyes slowly. The light of a gray day comes through a window, but other than that, not even the lamp on the nightstand next to the bed is on. There is another bed a little further away from mine, and next to it are those devices the doctors put saline to insert them in the patient's veins.

It's the only clue of where I am. But how did I get to a hospital?

A little bird flies across the sky outside. I prop up on one elbow to pull myself up.

I remember.

I wasn't alone in that building. There was a boy...with wings. He dived after me. He must have been the one who brought me here as well.

Maybe at some other time, if I were someone else, I would have cried of happiness for surviving, because someone was there at that time. But I don't feel like crying, getting angry, or doing anything but collapsing on the bed again.

"I thought you were going to take longer to wake up. Dang it, I lost a bet"

I almost break my neck as I turn towards the voice.

A brown-skinned, blue-haired child with a dog plushie in their hands is sitting in a blue armchair by the door, looking at me curiously.

"Who are you?"

"My name is Sho" He says while moving the plushie's soft little arms, but never taking his eyes off me.

He's too young.

"Are you alone here?" I ask, turning my full body towards him.

"I'm waiting for my brother. He went home to get the car, otherwise he would have to carry me all the way back to our house"

Right. So it really is a hospital, and not other kind of facility.

"Are you hurt?" I ask. He nods and lifts the hem of his pants a little, revealing a bandage around his ankle. "Did they bring you here too? Like, to rest?"

He shakes his head and starts speaking more quietly.

"No. I'm hiding, but don't tell them! They wanted to give me some green goo to eat, but my cousin said you turn into a zombie if you eat it" He says, as if he just told me the biggest conspiracy in the world "And you? Why are you here?"

The question hangs in the air for a while before I answer.

"I fell..." I say almost in a whisper.

"Smell?" He tilts his head, brow furrowed.

"...yeah, I smell...like..." I look down at his plushie "...dog food"

"Dog food? But why?!" His eyes grow bigger.

"I fell...into a pot, and now I can't take the smell out of my skin. So they put me here"

He seemed to buy the whole story on the spot. He even smiled a few times, not caring that he didn't got a realistic answer. Finding something like this funny should be considered a privilege.

"Seriously though, why are you here?"

I feel a rock falling on top of my head. I can't even fool a child that's less than 8. Though he does have the dog-like ears and a tail hanging from the chair, so this story of the smell dog food certainly hasn't convinced him from the start.

And these questions won't be this easy to answer later. I know someone will make them soon, because if that boy told them how he found me, I'm going to have to stay here longer than I want to.

The door finally opens, and Sho limps towards my bed, trying in vain to hide, but he trips and crawls the rest of the way, with his tail being the last thing the person who just entered surely saw. The woman is holding a tray in her and smiling at the scene, looking at me as if we share a secret.

"Pretty smart hiding in here, but you'll have to be quicker next time, boy" She shrugs her shoulders.

Sho grunts in frustration and walks out of his hiding place pouting.

"I heard your brother has already arrived. You can go back and talk to the nurse on the desk outside" she says.

"Yes!" He starts to run towards the door as best as he can, but stops midway and takes a good look at the tray the woman is holding. He runs back to the side of the bed and presses the mattress to lift himself up until his mouth is at the same level as my ear.

"See? That's the goo over there. Don't eat it or you'll turn into a zombie!" And with that he limps across the room, leaving the door open.

"And be careful with that foot or the nurses will have to bandage it all over again" The woman closes the door and turns to me again, grinning.

"I can assure you, this does not turns you into a brain-eater" She chuckles, but I simply smile back.

She's not dressed like a doctor or a nurse. She's wearing a knee-length gray coat with a blue shirt under it, and heels that fill the room with clop-clop-clop sounds as she walks towards me, placing the trail on my lap. There are some crackers and the 'green goo', that is actually just an ordinary jelly. I make no move to reach for them. It feels like my stomach started dropping again.

"So, how are you feeling?" She sits at the edge of the bed.

"I'm fine" I say with no intention of putting more emotion in my voice than necessary.

She watches me for a few more minutes. There's a card on her blouse...

Dr. Okamoto

"What's your name?" She finally asks.

"Bessho"

"How old are you, Bessho?"

"Nineteen"

"Well Bessho, are you sure you're not feeling any pain, or maybe nauseous?"

"Nothing at all"

"Alright" She clasps her hands "First of all, I need you to know that we have examined you, and physicaly you seem fine, but if you feel any sort of pain or headache, you can talk to any of the nurses. But overall, I believe you're going to be fine on this aspect."

I nod.

"Okay. Second. You entered with a wallet and your phone. I know you just woke up, but do you remember having them with you before?" I nod again "So, we didn't want to do it in the beginning, but we had to check your wallet to see if you had the number of anyone we could contact. Since we didn't find it, and your phone is out of battery, do you mind telling me if you know someone we can call to come here?"

There used to be an answer at the tip of my tongue. But now...

"I have no one..." I say while looking at my hands.

"Are you sure? It doesn't have to be a family member. A friend is also an option"

It hits me as soon as she says the word "friend". He used to call Shouko that, even though she's my boss.

She taps the number I give on her phone and sends it to someone.

"Alright. The secretary will call her and tell her where you are and that you are safe. And that's the third thing I need you to be aware of. You are safe here, and you can trust me, okay?"

I don't raise my eyes, but I feel hers on me, trying to be gentle but making the atmosphere heavier as the silence goes on.

"So..." she clasp her hands again "...do you remember the reason you had to come to the hospital, Bessho?"

I need to save myself. I need to cooperate here.

"All I remember is that I was walking down a street, and then I think I fainted..."

"Fainted?" She raises an eyebrow.

"Yes. And then I woke up here"

"Why do you think you fainted?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe I just...I haven't eaten much yesterday, maybe it was that"

"Has it happened before?" She tilts her head forward.

I nod, biting my lower lip while I fight the urge to throw up, and I think my reaction is already telling all I want to hide.

She has seen this act before. You could tell by the way her mouth and her eyes formed the face people make when they want to be gentle with someone. And she does it so effortlessly.

"Do you know who brought you here?"

When I don't answer, she continues.

"His name is Hawks. He's one of the newest heroes in Fukuoka. Have you heard about him?"

I shake my head. I haven't turned the TV on lately.

"You must be asking yourself why am I telling you this..." actually I'm not "it's because it's important to know who brings you here. It's an act of kindness that not a lot of people find the time to give these days, when there's so much rush. People tend to forget things like this still happen with all the hope the heroes give. Not that it is a bad thing, but our reality is still full of people that need help and can not be just dragged to a safe place and left there. I know I can't predict when things like this happen, but we can prevent them by helping each other. This is what I'm trying to do here..."

I know where this is going.

Everything around me seems to grow slower, even my blood isn't circulating at normal speed in my veins anymore. Everything's taking longer to happen.

When was the last time I had a psychologist talking to me?

I only notice she's still talking when the sound of her voice emerges from somewhere and reaches my ears. I have to stop looking people in the eyes for too long. Shouko already said it's clear when I'm listening or not, no matter for how long I'm staring.

"...does as well. What I'm trying to say is that even in our moments of despair, when everything seems too confusing, there's always a reason for the problem, and a reason to search for the solution..." She places a hand on her chest "That's why I want to help you. If you wish to, we can start and search for it. And you won't feel alone on the way"

Every word sounds the same at this point, no matter who speaks them. It's a waste of time in the end.

"I'm really thankful for everything you did while I was passed out...but I think there has been a mistake. I wasn't planning on doing anything...maybe the hero got confused and that's why he said what he think he saw...but it wasn't anything serious"

She presses her lips together.

"Then what were you doing on the top of that building last night?"

So the boy...that asshole really said it.

"I just...thought I needed to go up there for a second"

"Why?"

"I...I used to talk to my uncle about what the view from there would be like...and...it felt like yesterday was a good day to find out" This is actually true.

She looks down on her hands, I can only imagine what she's making up from what I just said.

I never understood this part. Why do they always ask what I think I was doing as if the answer isn't clear enough already? It's not like I was doing it for the sensation it gives me, I'm not that into adrenaline. And posing as someone who does haven't done much for me until now.

"I'm sorry Bessho, but we can't let you go until we talk to the person we are calling, and until we know you are completely okay to leave. This might take a while"

Of course I can't leave. I've been here before, why did I ever think it would be different this time?

"Have you ever done this before?" She asks.

"Done what?"

Is she cutting the conversation short now? She's also giving me those eyes again. I keep trying to avert my gaze, but it always drifts back to her gentle and yet judgmental face.

"No" I finally say, but she doesn't seem to believe me.

"Why did you think you had to do it now? Has something happened to you?"

I turn my head to the window, hoping she will go back to her kind talk or something.

"You don't feel comfortable enough to talk right now"

I shake my head slowly.

"I'm sorry" It doesn't feel like I can control my voice anymore, so as it cracks midsentence, it surprises me less.

"No, don't be" her voice gets even softer as she puts one of her hands over my entwined ones "We'll have more time to talk about it later...and...I'll have to talk to your friend as well"

That makes the blood stop in my veins.

"No!"

She jumps in surprise when I speak loudly.

"I'm sorry...I just... please don't tell her"

She leans her head towards me.

"Bessho, I'm sorry, but you need someone to be aware of what you're going through. Is for the sake of your wellbeing."

"Yes...yes I know but...she doesn't need to worry about it...please, she already has a lot to deal with" She sighs with an empathic look, making it clear that she won't budge "Look, she...my uncle died yesterday. She's already sad about it"

"I'm really sorry to hear that" She falls silent, which gives me some hope. But it quickly fades when she starts speaking again "Listen, it's part of my duty to make sure you stay calm and safe while you're here, but it's not right to do it while hiding the truth from people who play a big part in your recovery. So here's what's going to happen. I'm going to tell your friend..." She raises her hand when I open my mouth to protest "I have to tell her about what happened, but only after we examine you one more time, and after I talk to you some more. And then, I'll talk to both of you, together this time. And in the end, we'll see if you need to stay in observation, or with a specialist, or if you need to go somewhere else to receive the help you need"

My shoulders slump, as if the weight has moved its focus from my head to the rest of my body.

"Do you really need to tell her?" My voice begins to fade.

"Yes, I do"

I slide my hands away from her grasp and keep my eyes on the floor on the other side of the bed with brows furrowed. She takes a deep breath.

"I'll leave you to rest now okay? Eat a little, it will do you good. Your wallet and phone are in this drawer, alright? I'll come back soon" She walks towards the door clop-clop-cloping again, but then she stops and turns to me one last time "Listen, if you collaborate, you'll get to go home sooner. And what's better, you'll start to get better from things that by now you believe are okay. But they are not. You deserve the help we're trying to give you. So please, don't let this chance slip away"

And then she closes the door, leaving me with the green goo for company.

I lean back and feel like there are rocks under me. But isn't it always like this?

What amazes me the most is how anyone is able to always know what's best, to always know what is going to be of me. Always know how it feels. People always understand too much. But if it's that easy to get me, why haven't I figured it out as well? Making them work with assumptions instead of material I can't give is a waste of time.

I look down at the trail and take the one cracker. It's not like I'm hungry, but if I don't do something I might go insane. Also, I have to show them I can be fine on my own. And judging by the flicking light I saw in the corner of the room while she was talking, I'm pretty sure there are cameras hidden in here. Why else would she leave me here unsupervised?

The rest of this day, the day after the funeral, did not go like it should.

Shouko should have gone home, but after she arrived, she just exchanged a few words with that woman with the heels and the nurse and doctor that checked me.

"How are you feeling?" "Did you eat anything?" "Who talked to you?"

She never asked anything beyond that. Later on, Dr. Okamoto talked about why and how I came to the hospital, and explained how we must proceed in this 'situation'. The word did nothing but to get me squirming in my chair and sweating a lot. I could barely look both of them in the eye.

Just one day after losing her boyfriend, and now she has to sleep in the hospital because I...

I open my eyes again, still in that room. It's dark outside. Shouko left to sleep in a chair out there for a bit, whether because she's upset or not, I would never know. That was her language that only he would understand.

I never thought I would miss him this much. The idea of waking up knowing he would be home always comforted me, but it seems that reality is only becoming clear now.

That was the reason they took as my motivation. The information, or better, the lack of it, led them to believe I went to the top of the building because of the grief I felt. It's not uncommon, and loss can make people do things in the heat of the moment without thinking.

And I can't lie, that really does makes sense.

Memories of everything I said to him. Everything I did or gave up on doing with him kept flashing through my brain all the way to the top. I turned his life upside down and forced him to deal with whatever came along with me since we arrived at the city.

I mistreated him. I judged him way too often. I was rude, and selfish, a brat. I could have done better.

Why...why even after everything I did...why did you kept smiling and caring about me?

Why did you kept saying I was beautiful?

You can't judge anything in the dark. You need to find your flashlight to see things for what they really are.

I stare at the blackness of the hospital room. It isn't the first time this happens. I wake up at any given time of the night, and think. I think too much. About my uncle, my job, myself, the building...

To think I couldn't do something that simple almost makes me laugh, but the minor smile on my lips fades completely when it finally hits me.

I couldn't do it because he was there.

Hawks.

The hero that caught me while I was falling because he had wings.

I only saw a silhouette of them, but they seemed so pretty.

Right under the covers, I feel them tickling my back. Atrophied quirks are also not uncommon. Still, I wish they haven't asked about this hunchback that I tried so hard to hide under the nylon coat. But it doesn't help when you don't know what size they'll be the next day.

The Storm starts to get heavy again as they start to softly brush against the back of my thighs.

Tomorrow is the day. Why wouldn't it be?

I squirm a little, and the softness seems to trail further in my leg, making my breath hitch and shake. Why do I have to be awake when it happens? Is it to remind me that they're still there?

As if I would ever forget it.

In case you prefer Ao3

Previous chapter...

[apathetic-rot]

i can't help describing everything to myself when it feels like im floating out of my body, it doesn't help. im watching people pass in the parking lot from where i haven't moved in hours. i can't hold on to anything to keep me from floating away i can see my eyes start to unfocus and my vision starts to blur and i can't stop it i just watch it float away and i look down at my unmoving body and scream to come back to stop letting myself go but i haven't moved in hours and im watching people pass by in the parking lot.

i wonder if anyone looks up. if i open my window i can hear every conversation, nose travels surprisingly well up to my third floor window. but i don't think they can hear me, only if i yell, and i can never find my voice, and besides the thought of calling out is absurd.

i see my friends pull in after going out for food. i keep taking a breath trying to convince myself to yell hi, i can hear them, they're talking about their classes, i remember that i share a class with one now, though we sit on separate sides. after trying in whispered tones i yell out her name. she doesn't hear. i try again but by the last syllable i taper off, losing any nerve i had gathered. i text her, that i saw her, she sends an emoji, there's no conversation.

i haven't moved in hours. im sitting watching people pass by. it's too cold to leave the window open so i close it and sit in the quiet of my room. the buzz of the mini fridge maintaining an ambience. there's nothing but alcohol and mixers in there. not that i could stomach anything right now, my half eaten lunch/breakfast/dinner sits on the desk. it's been hours i should put it in the fridge at least. but then that's admitting im not going to eat it, at least not today. i still log the whole meal though.

it's getting darker by the minute, i can't tell how much time has passed. i get up for a minute, moving from the bed to the floor. i remember how lonely and pathetic i feel and cry. i look so disgusting when i cry. i reach over and turn on my lamp, but i won't put on my glasses. i contemplate everything.

i laugh to myself remembering a conversation from when i was drunk the night before in someone's basement. she asked me, "why do i never see you? we should really hang out more!" i replied "well i really never leave my room, i mostly just cry all day! and also im just really weird and uncomfortable to be around!" and then we both laughed and i changed the subject.

i decide i need to get out of my room it suddenly feels stifling. i put on an extra layer and grab a cigarette and a lighter and head down the stairs to the back entrance of my building. i already have it lit as i walk out the door. i wander and sit on a bench while i smoke. i had to clear the snow off but at least there was a set of footprints leading to the steps. as i sit i try not to think. i hear people sledding, enjoying the weather with friends. it reminds me of a childhood i didn't have. someone walks by and i give a half wave but they quickly look away when i make eye contact. stranger danger i suppose, you shouldn't trust a strange man smoking alone.

im alone again and my cigarette is at it's end. i watch it flicker stark against the snowflakes falling around. i put it out on my leg, i know it won't be noticable. i turn around and walk back inside. i am acutely aware that i smell like smoke. i am also aware that since the coat i was wearing used to be my mother's, it already smelled like cigarettes. i go back to my room.

i sit down and i feel my body start to float away. i have to clean, i have work to do and i spent my whole day staring out a window.

[cantfightmoonlight]

Lifting herself up to her tiptoes, she pressed the most tender of kisses against her lips. A sigh of relief escaped her lips as she slowly lowered herself back down to earth, moving to burry her face against his chest. She could feel his body, still rigid and tense and she hated that her words, even for a moment, had put him on edge. Though she understood his sentiment. She couldn't bare the thought of anything happening to him ever. She didn't mean to have become so codependent when it came to him, but the truth of the matter was, if she could remember a time in her life when he wasn't in it, she wouldn't want to. It was as if she hadn't truly started to live for herself until she met him. He was so entangled in her life now, such a part of her, that when she tried to imagine a future without him it, it was her own existence simply ceased.

"But- but I do. I just," Her cheeks flushed red in embarrassment as she admitted, "like to hear you say it." It was silly really. She knew he wasn't a man of many words and she loved that about him, but also couldn't help, but light up when he did decide to vocalized how much he cared. Her heart would begin to race all over again and she find herself acting like a giddy schoolgirl the way she had back when she had that huge crush on him in the weeks after they had first met. You would think after two years, the feeling a weightlessly and butterflies would subside and, yet, her stomach seemed to do even more flip flops now than it had back then. Especially, when he wrapped his hands around hers and kissed her forehead. She could practically feel her knees go weak.

"Really?" Her eyes lit up once more as she tossed her arms happily around his neck. Lifting herself up on her tiptoes once more as she began to shower him with kisses. "Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You won't regret it, I promise! I'll enter the dream right away so that neither of us have any nightmares and then we can go to dreamscape Paris or London or where you want. We can go to all of the places I've ever been and oh! I could show you Turkey. You'd love Turkey. I could show you around my favorite streets and we could do the more touristy things like see the Grand Bazaar, but without all the people. Actually, I don't even know what the Grand Bazaar would look like without all of the people, but still. It would," A breathless warmth began to radiant off of her glowing smile as she told him, "It would really mean the world to me."

"I'm aware, but it's," A frustrated sigh broke from her lips. "how you said it. As if I said something that offended you, so rather than admit that, I was being dismissed and written of," She tried to explain. "Which I get was a reaction to what I initially said, but it still is frustrating," She tact out followed by a crease of her brows and a drawn out pout. "What do you mean there was nothing to acknowledge? Me mentioning Todd clearly rubbed you the wrong way, so why not talk about it? Do we? How do you know if we don't talk about it?"

"Well, then I felt a shitty person. Okay? You can say he was a ghost all you want, but you didn't speak to him. You didn't look him in the eyes as he was pouring his heart out to you and trick him. I pretended to be someone he could trust so that I could protect Rohan. I viewed him as just a ghost, like his life didn't matter, even after he looked me in the eyes and told me about how he didn't want to go back to being trapped in essentially a prison for the next however many centuries. Like the Genie in Aladdin who was trapped in the lamp and I know you've probably never seen that movie, but I made a choice that trapped him his worst nightmare and, the guilt ate me alive for a week, so I made a petition in an attempt to relieve my conscience. You can say it's an act of kindness, but I did it to alleviate my own guilt, not for him, and I didn't ask for anyone to raise him from the dead. I just didn't think it was fair for his spirit to remained trapped is all. But, if he's only some incorporeal spirit to you, then what about Bri or Poppy? They came back. Should they have stayed dead? You don't have to think it's good news for Todd, but whether it's much of a life or not, some people are just happy to be alive and they're allowed to be. My life has never been much of a life. Not until I met you. Majority of the life I have lived belonged to someone else or was spent living on the run, but should I not be happy to be here then?" She asked, only when he mentioned he was living on borrowed time, she stop trying to explain herself.

Instead, she grew quiet. Her gaze falling to the ground as she muttered under her breath, "I hate when you say things like that." He had told her no talk of dying and she had agreed, but what about him? He could speak of his own borrowed time so flippantly and that was fine? Her own breath caught in her throat as she moved to wrap her arms herself in an attempt to hold herself back from shaking at the thought, they way he had similarly been a few moments ago. "I'm not hurt. I'm frustrated. You can be frustrating, especially when you speak of your life as if it's nothing when you mean the world to me. But, you're right. Maybe we don't see eye to eye on this," She pressed her lips together as she found herself letting out another shaky breath. The truth of the matter was that she couldn't nor would she ever view someone like Todd as not being a person even when dead, because her boyfriend was standing right before her, having died and come back, and he was the most real part of her life and, while she never asked for Todd to come back nor had completely made up her mind as to what to think of him being back, when it came to Ken, while he may wish that he had stayed dead, him coming back had been happiest chain of events to ever happen for her.

"No. I was annoyed because I thought you thought that I was choosing Todd over Rohan. I also think it's rude that you are no longer swayed by my cuteness, but that's a whole other thing along with you pulling away. But, I'm not hurt. I just want to shake your shoulders right now, because you can sometimes be such a- a- butt head," She exclaimed, followed by another frustrated sigh. Though, as he pulled her back into his arms, she welcomed the embrace. Melting into his arms as she returned to hiding her face against his chest. "Or he just wanted to fuck you. You can be very fuckable," She mumbled out, her words no more than a soft murmur for him alone to be able to hear. "I do and I love you too, but can't I still be jealous over you?" She started to ask, but as he began to place a trail of kisses along her neck, her entire face flushed a bright pink in embarrassment. "Ken," She cleared her throat, giving him a small nod as he said not here. "Yeah, let's go home. Like now, though, for future reference? Anytime, I seem upset? I'm probably just slightly ticked off or hungry and being dramatic. So, if you just hold me, I'll be fine. Word to the wise and all. Anyways," She gave him hand a small tug towards the parking lot where his car was parked.

END.

He leaned into her touch with a slow exhale, the only one who could calm his thoughts in such a manner, nodding to what she said he agreed to that wholeheartedly, "No other lifetimes." He wanted to promise her that but words died before they could be uttered, why his brain chimed it'll just be another point of failure. He didn't have the energy to refute that no matter how much he wanted to. But the other, that he could confirm, "Of course. You can't be surprised like that when I say such things, I need you to believe it, babe, who else but you?" Hands wrapped around, a kiss to the top of her head as she clung to him. If there was a moment where he could pause time, now would be that moment. He had to wonder her reaction if he elaborate on what he said, spill his thoughts on the topic, reveal future plans…but this wasn't the time for it. Not so open, not so publicly, not when she pouted at him like that in the next beat.

This needed more thought than he had allocated for it, but when she spoke on her struggles, he had to give in. His hauntings were his own, they had their own way to torture him in waking moments and would likely hit worse if gave into sleep, but for her.. for her he would bear it. He couldn't be so selfish to keep her from such a thing, away from horrors was part of the promise to protect was it not? And to think he was keeping from sleeping when she required it and he did not outweighed any reasonings creeping fear came up with. He did not allow himself to feel such a thing anymore. "Alright," he said after a heavy swallow, trying to keep his voice level and even, "I don't want you to keep going through that. I'll sleep." And off in the corners of his mind, a door opened, releasing an unsettling gust through him, laughter echoing on that wind.

The switch now drew confusion back onto his face, "But I did? I said I was aware, I saw Rohan this morning. Again, don't bother was an answer to you saying you won't bother." With a deep breath, he continued, "Look, it's clear to me now that I didn't pick up your tone when you first said it. To say one thing and mean something else is not a skill I'm well versed in." He had scanned her statements for sarcasm too, but that he knew how to spot on since it was something he used heavily, but hers held a something else he failed to recognise. He could not tell if she was playing him nor did he have the energy to autopsy more words to find what she wanted him to do, picking one thing that stood out, he followed that path, "There was nothing to acknowledge with that, your expatiation on Todd made me file it away because you felt so strongly on it, which isn't bad if that's what you thought. We have differing opinions." Ken listened to her explain he shook his head, "That's not selfish, that word holds more weight than you're giving it. At least to me it does. You knocking off that hat was the right move, not damning a person, it's a ghost. Ghost. Incorporeal spirit. And Rohan knows my thoughts on the matter too." He softened the edges of his tone, "I'm not here to upset you more but if you want me to say it fine. I don't think it's good news for Todd either, he's tethered to Rohan, that's not a life. Which, sure, is rich coming from someone living on borrowed time, but there you go. If he's happy then fantastic, my opinions won't change his outlook on life. Todd looks at you like that because you're one of the only ones that tried to do something, if you don't see that as an act of kindness and caring, then I really don't know what else to say. If any of that sounded harsh and caused your hurt to increase, I'm sorry, but you wanted me to speak on it."

Another switch had him shut eyes tight trying to process yet again. "What? That's…" Christ. "You're upset I don't find you cute? Did I not just say you're irresistible? Or is it because I didn't kiss you? I'm thoroughly confused." And emotionally spent trying to figure this out too but he faced her anyway and so taken aback by the sharpness at which she said that again he genuinely couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out, "Yes, I heard you the first time, I'm still processing that you actually need me to confirm. Suresh was likely trying to rile you up, and I think you fell for it." Casting the very public place they were in and his discomfort on it aside for a minute since it became obvious what she wanted, intimacy naturally laced his words as he wrapped arms around her waist, the act alone easing the static in his head to a clearer space, "You do realise I'm in love with you, right? Or is that going to come as another surprise? I really didn't think that was something that needed to be said but…" He bent his head to place a trail of kisses along her neck, "Is this proof enough that I don't want Suresh or do you need more? If yes, please not here."

[returntosaturn271995]

Damn, I wish I was your lover

We haven't met yet seeing as I am currently very lover-less. Not in a sad way, I get hit on all the time. Okay, so maybe it's a little sad. I don't want anyone right now, but I think it's because I know somewhere in the world you exist.

If you are real. Out there. I won't have to do backflips in my mind for us to work: we'll just want to fuck right away but realize during the small talk that we share a thread of loneliness sewn into everything we do. Wanting each other will be as easy as breathing and I'll want you just as badly as my next inhale. How the fuck did we ever breathe before?

I want to be utterly distracted on an ordinary day and then look up and realize, "Oh, it's you." We'll have met before because I've had a million conversations in my head with you already. For a figment of my imagination, you're a very good listener.

There are days when I'm running when the only thing that keeps me going is that I'm growing into a better person so I can love you damn good the first time. I have a tendency to screw things up. I do it less often now, but something like a soulmate might be too tempting to self-sabotage. I'll build a palace with you and burn it down just so I can control the day you're taken from me.

I hope I don't get too drunk. I hope I'm not drunk at all the first time we make love. I want it to be sexy and simple. I want to lie in your arms and bring you coffee after you bring me water. I want to get along with your friends and put my head on your chest after a long day, listen to your heart as it beats because I can't believe you're made of the same things as every other human.

I want the love songs to make sense for years on end. I hope you think I'm funny and like my cooking. I hope you're sardonic and have a deep voice and big hands and dark hair and think Republicans are lame. I pray to god you hate House music as much as I do. I hope we love each other so good it makes up for some of the scars I have from being un-liked. That as long as we get each other, we enjoy being an acquired taste. Smoke a joint with me in our gym clothes and flick ash at the popular kids.

I know missing you now, having never met, will make meeting you the best thing that's ever happened to me in such a goddamn long time. I feel your absence now, even if this isn't the lifetime we meet. Maybe this is the dark timeline where I always wonder if certain kinds of love are as good as they say, and you marry someone with a snaggle tooth (what? She has the love of my life in this timeline, she doesn't also get nice teeth).

Maybe my soulmates this time around are friends and family. I don't die in your arms or watch you grow old (my face stays 30 in all my fantasies), but know that a part of me will be faithful to you anyway.

I believe you exist. I'm so cursedly romantic even if I'm not the person who gets romantic happiness. Actually, we tend to be the most romantic of all. Antony and Cleopatra never bickered over the air BnB.

So yes, maybe we won't meet this year, this decade, this lifetime.

I want you to know I'm happy here. In the world without you. It kind of sucks, but I'm never alone. I've missed you a lot though. A little bit of me persistently aches to go back somewhere I've never been. A home I lost the key to. I want you to know I like who I am more than I don't. That wasn't true for a very long time for reasons you understand so well that you laugh at jokes messy and dark like spilled ink.

I sometimes worry that being alone is the worst thing in the world, but of course it isn't. Losing your parents is. Having kids just because there's nothing good on TV is. Being cruel is: even if it's just the venom you bite into your own inner arm, pulling back and examining the puncture wounds as weeks scrape by and burn away.

Still, I keep a lamp on and a torch lit. I check the lighthouse for your ship on a vast and empty sea on starless nights. I drink water, go on runs, and read for long hours curled up until my legs ache and I crave red wine and your kiss.

I do standup comedy to faceless silhouettes. The stage lights reflect back from the bottom of half-empty glasses and the occasional piece of jewelry. Do people notice that while they watch me, while my voice fills a room full of people holding theirs, I gaze back and study with a desperation that borders on violence?

In the world where we don't meet: I still go to work and wear fun outfits and have sex and cook meals full of sweet cheeses and lemony, salty leaves. I listen to indie music and wear my hair long with nice perfume and decorate rooms with plants and lurid photos of times gone by.

I do all these things for me, but a very silly and small part does them for you. A part that hopes one day in the world, I'll turn a holy corner and when you see me I am beautiful and whole.

[vampywrites]

This work is for my creative writing class, the assignment is about writing suspense in a way where there is something going on but you dont outwardly say it. Anyways here is

“The Ivory Hall Hotel” (643 words)

Two chairs stood empty at the window-view table in the Ivory Hall Hotel. The hotel is one of the most lavish and expensive in all of Europe during the 1920s Being located right on the shore of the Cordelia Ocean. In years after though, the hotel began to diminish in both popularity and lavish expensiveness becoming run down and eventually being abandoned.

Two men checked into the Ivory Hall Hotel the night of the yearly candle lighting of the Winter Veil, making their entrance and strange appearance borderline unnoticed around the excitement of the holiday. They joined the regular crowd for complimentary breakfast the next morning in the dining hall, sitting in the two chairs which used to stand empty at the window-view table.

“William I have no idea why you chose here of all places to stay.” one of the men says as he sips on a mimosa in a comically small champagne flute. (rich people love small things)

“That's an easy answer, my dear, we finally have the money for it,” Willam speaks through the food he's currently eating, spitting over the table.

The other man rolls his eyes “Don't speak while eating, will.” he says with no real disgust in his voice.

Willam dismissively waves his hand “Everyone else here might be above eating with their mouth open but you of all people, are not.”

The man scoffs “Ok Willam, back to business, where are the papers from the old house? I think we should get rid of them before heading back to the Americas?”

Willams smiles “ah the Americans…it'll be so nice to be back in Columbia, the sun on my face will feel heavenly after experiencing all this fog here. Oh, and it will be your first time visiting won't it dear?”

The other man smiles “yes it will be, but stay on track will, where are the papers?” Willam nods “yes yes…are right here just… in my pocket...”

Willam stops. He stops eating. Drinking. Perhaps even breathing.

“What? What's wrong will?” the man asked as will sat still a quiet

“The papers,” he gasps “they fell off while we were on the train! Shit! SHIT!”

The other man pushes away from the table, standing up abruptly “Willam Jesus christ you dunce! I told you to put them in your suitcase and not your pocket…come on we have to go.” The other man rushed Willam up the stairs, they are running through the hotel, people watching aghast and shocked at the two men. Once they reached their room they start shoving everything they can into their empty suitcases that were already in the hotel, decorations, lamps, books, technology, and anything they could sell.

“Ok the plan is this,” the other man spoke as they packed in everything they could “We are now Elias and Sebastian, two business partners traveling to America to sell a new product. When we get to America ditch your passport and…well we will have to separate when we get there at least for 5 months.” his voice gets thick and tears well up in his eyes.

Willam stops packing and steps closer to the man, cradling his cheek thats wet with tears in his hand “Oh Mi Amor don’t cry, I've been on ships awaiting to see you longer than that, we will be fine, just one little hiccup in our plans.”

The other man sniffles and nods, wiping his tears away “I-ill still send you letters and those pastries you love so much in Mexico…”

Willam musters up a small melancholy smile as he runs his thumb up and down the length of the smaller man's wet cheek “I know you will dear… now come on, there will be time for the crying and these pleasantries on the ship ride over, now go make sure you have everything you need, we leave immediately”

[ms-demeanor]

Like. Okay. There IS good advice from the minimalism side of the internet and it breaks down to:

"Own the things you own on purpose."

You don't have to hang onto stuff you don't like, even it if was a gift.

You don't have to hang onto stuff that's taking up space just because it might be useful someday (to an extent; even if you haven't used your claw hammer recently I don't think you should get rid of it, but maybe if you haven't pulled that mini food processor out of the cabinet in five years it can safely be donated).

Don't buy bullshit for the sake of buying bullshit.

--------------------------

I'm going to make this an aside here; shopping can be a really fun leisure activity, I have plans to go thrifting with a friend next weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. But because I've known I'm going to do this, I've been avoiding any other kind of shopping for a while. I, personally, have had some weird problems shopping and impulsive shopping isn't good for me.

I'm not a compulsive shopper, I'm a thoughtless shopper. There was a period in college when I was working two jobs and going to school and living in the basement of a house that was thirty miles from school, ten miles from one job, and twenty miles from the other, and sometimes I'd run out of laundry and because laundromats were closed at midnight I'd buy clothes from the walmart clearance section because I didn't have anything else clean to wear to work. I ended up with a lot of ugly, bullshit clothes because I didn't do laundry frequently. I'll go into a thrift store sometimes and I'll see something and I won't think of where it's going to go, or if it will look good in my house, or if I might already have something similar, this thing is inexpensive and I like it and suddenly I have six water glasses that have a teal *film* on them that is flaking away instead of six water glasses I like and that take up room in the cabinet next to my six nice water glasses.

This is stressful for me, so I try to avoid it. The way I broke the habit of the clothes buying in college was to make a new year's resolution not to buy anything other than food for six months. It worked great, and permanently changed how I acquired things. I fell back into the habit of getting random shit because I needed a bunch of stuff for the house when we moved in (we owned zero lamps, we needed many lamps, then I over-bought lamps) and now I'm trying to get out of it.

But you know what sometimes it's good for your brain to go buy something shiny that you like just for the sake of having something shiny that you like. Sometimes getting a new sketchbook - even though you already have ten - can help you get excited enough about drawing to break you out of artist's block. Sometimes buying a new mug can help you stop thinking about the mug you left at your ex's place. Sometimes buying shit is good for you.

Like, there's that post about the person who bought fancy candles when they were homeless in order to have something to dream about. There's that post about the person who wants to be able to just buy a nice new mug, what buying a nice new mug would represent in terms of their relationship to themself and their space and their income. When I first moved to vegas after living with my abusive mother in law (before I had to move back) I bought myself a fiestaware pie plate in mulberry and I made myself so many pies. When i had to move back, I cried as I was wrapping that plate up and putting it into storage because it meant going back to the house where I couldn't be in the kitchen and couldn't be in the living room and had to be aware that there were always cameras on me when I wasn't in my bedroom or the bathroom. If you're wondering why I was so weird in 2021 part of it was Large Bastard's time in the hospital and part of it was living in a single room because going outside of that room meant dealing with her and her cameras. So the pie plate *MEANT* something, it wasn't just a pie plate. And unwrapping it when I got to this house was huge, and decorating this house because I haven't had a space of my own to decorate since 2004 has been huge.

So I'm not saying not to buy things because buying things is bad, I'm saying that buying things *intentionally* is less likely to end up causing problems with things like your finances and storage situation.

Buy things on purpose, basically, and if you find yourself buying stuff to make yourself happy all the time perhaps consider that the stuff isn't working and you need to take a second to figure out why.

--------------------------

"Know where your shit is"

Having a landing zone when you get home is great. Having a place where you know your keys hang and where your wallet sits is great. Knowing where the vacuum cleaner and the drill is fucking rules.

The thing is, it's possible to do this while having a lot of shit and while having "cluttered" open storage that might be a great way of organizing for people with ADHD but might not fit a minimalist aesthetic.

"You are not your stuff"

It's okay if things break or if they get lost. It can cause problems, yes, and it can be stressful, but you'll be okay if all the stuff goes away.

(Though you are also not your lack of stuff; possessions are not personality and they are not memories and they are not a curse - it is useful to examine your relationship to the things you have trouble giving away as well as to examine your relationship to an uncluttered space).

I will not invest energy in yelling at the youtube video. Yelling at the youtube video is the mindkiller.