#we weren’t much compatible with each other. and the distance only made things a bit worse

[collideliketwostars]

hate me all you want. but I cannot mourn over a relationship where I spent almost half the time feeling alone and unloved.

[the-insomniac-emporium]

I love your writing.

if it's not too much trouble may i make a request? I'm thinking the Dimitrescu women meeting and/or courting a fellow immortal.

the circumstances of the immortal's powers and possession of immorality are entirely up to you. I just like the idea of them meeting someone they could literally spend forever with...because they deserve it ❤

I wasn't sure if you wanted a story or headcanons? I went with HCs, here, but if you wanted more of a drabble or whatever just lemme know and I'll write something like that.

Also, I got excited and carried away so this has the whole Dimitrescu family, plus shorter ones for both Mother Miranda and Donna. Admittedly Alcina's is also a little on the shorter side? I tried to write everything that came to mind, but I am kinda tired right now, sorry. Might reblog this and add some more later.

(Under read-more for length)

Cassandra:

Tries (and fails) to hide her excitement. Mortality is one of the bigger things that has made her keep her distance to others, at least in the past. Every Maiden she’s ever been the slightest bit smitten with, up until this point, has been incredibly fragile. Seeing as she’s not exactly the softest person, one can easily imagine why that would be a turn off for her. But now that’s no longer a problem!

On the other had… having an immortal partner gives Cassandra pause. Why? Because what if they breakup? Normally, she can just, ahem, “dispose” of any exes (regardless of how much it hurts) so she doesn’t have to see them/deal with them anymore. If that’s not an option, she’ll definitely take longer than usual to do anything about her feelings. She wants to be sure, 100%, before she gets in over her head. Chances are she won’t hold back for as long as she wants though.

Likely to have a loud, messy confession. She’ll have been avoiding you for a few days, always ducking out of whatever rooms you enter, leaving you both hurt and confused. After enlisting the help of her sisters, you’ll be able to corner her outside. She’ll tell you, under no uncertain circumstances, to leave her alone. But you’ll refuse, demanding an explanation.

“I thought we had something. I thought you cared,” you’ll snap, eyes watering. “If that’s changed… if I was wrong, just tell me. I’ll leave and I’ll never come back.” Cue thunder and raining (because tropes) and Cassandra dramatically pulling you into a kiss, holding you so tightly you think you might bruise. Then she’s demanding that you stay, refusing to apologize but making it clear just how much she does care.

Being immortal, you’re not as defenseless as some of Cassandra’s past interests. Naturally, she doesn’t get quite as protective as she normally would. She’ll still have your back no matter what, ready to fight by your side against any foe, and will probably consider doing so a “fun bonding activity”. Oh, some lycans are encroaching on Dimitrescu territory? Time to go destroy them, as a power couple!

Despite having all the time in the world, Cassandra won’t change much of her actual courting behavior, nor the rate at which things advance. She’s still gonna get handsy fairly early on, still gonna “rah!” at you in the hallways, and still going to struggle with her jealousy.

Immortality Compatibility: I can see Cassandra going for another vampire (or vampire adjacent) creature, or someone demonic. She likes her lovers a bit rough, with some nice bite to their personalities. If you’ve got sharp teeth, or claws, or glowing eyes? Oh boy, she’s gonna be making heart eyes at you all the time.

Bela:

If your immortality isn’t immediately obvious, Bela is over the moon with joy when she finds out. Her eyes will go wide for a moment, before she tries to seem calm (so as to not freak you out), but her heart is pounding. This is what she’s been hoping for. As much as Mother Miranda has done for her family, there’s no guarantee that she’d be willing to give more. Even if Miranda granted Bela’s lover her “gift”, there was no telling what the results would be, or if the lover would survive. Now that there’s no need for such a transformation, it’s far easier for Bela to imagine herself in love (and eventually be in love).

Slow-burn romance over a decade or longer, oops. Doesn’t even necessarily mean to take things so slowly, just doesn’t feel a need to rush things, preferring that they develop organically. With both of you having unlimited time, you’re both used to working on a very large timescale. Maidens watching the two of you probably place bets on how long it’ll take you to hold hands for the first time. Everyone knows it’s coming, but no matter how much Cassandra and Daniela complain, Bela refuses to jump into things. By the time the two of you are officially together, you’re probably madly in love with each other.

More protective than Cassandra, if only because she knows just how rare you are. Immortal or not, you likely still have a weakness, and Bela will do everything in her power to make sure no one else knows what it is. If applicable, she will also ensure she has a countermeasure readily available. For example: If you were weak to fire, she’d make sure that the castle keeps extinguishers handy, just in case. Though they should probably already do that. Not that the Dimitrescu family cares much for OSHA compliance.

Somehow grows more in love with you with every passing year, and makes sure that you know this. Whether you’ve been together for one year or one century (because in this house we ignore canon), she’s always performing little acts of love, giving constant reminders of how strongly she feels. Gifts, special dates, book recommendations, etc.

Immortality Compatibility: Bela seems like the type to go for someone with a calming presence, and perhaps somewhat of a contrast to herself. I can picture her with someone somewhat angelic, or druidic, someone very in tune with nature. She’d love to feed deer with you and relax in the forest! Or lay against a tree by your side, listening to you talk about various microorganisms for hours at a time.

Daniela:

Practically tackles you when she finds out/connects the dots. This is just like one of her romance novels, where a lonely (attractive as fuck) immortal spends years in isolation before finally meeting the love of their life, who they get to spend the rest of eternity with. Absolutely ecstatic about the whole situation. Won’t stop kissing you and pulling you close, rambling about how great it’s gonna be to spend your lives together. Honestly? Kind of overwhelming. You might have to remind her a few times that you don’t have to rush into things, considering you have all the time in the world.

Introduces you to people as her “super cool/rad immortal life partner”. Genuinely cannot bring herself to not brag about you. If her sisters haven’t found someone like you yet, you can bet that Daniela will tease them about it all the time (much to their annoyance). If Momma Alcina doesn’t, though? Dani will keep her thoughts to herself, thank you very much (being grounded at her age does not impress the s/o).

Tries not to show it, but she’s actually very nervous. You’re immortal! You’ve probably seen a lot of shit (she certainly has)! Worries about keeping you interested in her, though she would never admit it. This tends to lead to her performing ridiculous acts to showcase her affection, regardless of the cost or, like, whether or not you’d even enjoy whatever she has planned. In order to counter her anxiety, you’ll want to reassure her whenever you can, and give her plenty of “I love you”s.

Strikes a decent balance between Cassandra’s nonchalant attitude and Bela’s protectiveness. Will defend you if you need it, playing up the romantic aspect, but also entirely willing to hide behind you in a scary situation.

Immortality Compatibility: Having probably read Twilight… Dani would date a werewolf, as long as they weren’t the smelly kind. Also interested in a sort of “magical”/elemental type, especially if their powers are influenced by emotions. In other words, if someone flirts with her in front of you, and your response is to subconsciously light your hands/the other person on fire? She thinks that’s hot, pun intended.

Alcina:

“Oh? Interesting,” she’d say, smiling softly (and trying to ignore the heat rushing to her face). Similarly to Cassandra, she’d try to play it off, not wanting to seem too excited. And, well, she’s not as excited as any of her daughters are. After all, she’s had more time than them to “get used” to the idea of outliving any potential romantic interests. So, she’s not exactly desperate for a relationship, even with someone she could spend an eternity with.

That being said, if she is romantically interested in them, she’s very relieved. Outliving a loved one can be incredibly traumatizing (fuck you c*pcom, you know what you did), and knowing that you’re safe (or at least safer than most) brings her no small amount of comfort.

Also, just glad to have another person close to her age around. Her daughters are somewhat stuck as young adults, and I imagine Alcina would want someone who gained immortality a little later in life, such as herself, as opposed to, ya know, reminding her of her children. That probably goes without saying. Hopefully.

More so than her daughters, Alcina would change her level of protectiveness depending on her s/o’s power level. If you’re a shapeshifter who can also turn into a big ass dragon? Then she’s not going to coddle you. If you’re immortal but still vulnerable, then she’s going to do her best to keep you safe, even going so far as to enlist the assistance of her daughters. “If you see a single Maiden growing mistletoe, or bringing some in from the village, let me know immediately,” or something like that, depending on your weakness.

Immortality Compatibility: Definitely would want someone in a situation similar to herself, having once been truly human, only to be “elevated” by something. Bonus points if you’re another disciple of Miranda, double bonus points if Miranda specifically “made” you to be Alcina’s boo/honey/darling/dear.

Bonus! Mother Miranda:

Oh god finally someone who won’t leave her (can’t leave her). No one can take you away from her, and that’s a relief that she’s been craving for over a century. Even if romance isn’t high on her priority list, she welcomes it with open arms, glad to have someone by her side through all of life’s chaos.

Admittedly slow to trust at first, probably just using you as a tool at first. But prove yourself enough, show that your devotion is more than just misdirected self-interest, and she’ll start to warm up to you. Forming a real relationship would likely take a couple decades, similar to with Bela. Once you are together, however, the two of you are inseparable in all matters.

You’d be her #1 follower, most trusted adviser, and the only person allowed to understand 100% of her thoughts and motives. While Miranda wouldn’t allow you to be seen as the same level as her (sorry), you’d still be a legend among the villagers. To them, you’re Mother Miranda’s champion, the epitome of a devoted follower that they all aspire to emulate. Not that they know the two of you are a couple, though.

Immortality Compatibility: No gimmicks, no cheap tricks, she wants (and respects) a fellow scientist, someone who clawed their way through adversity and forged themselves into something indestructible. Double the interest if you did so for a similar cause to her own, as she would appreciate your ability to relate to her suffering.

Bonus! Donna:

Someone to play with! FOREVER! No more losing people she cares about, no more accidentally breaking people, no more people scrambling to leave. Now that she has you, she can finally spend some quality time with another (living?) person. Honestly her dolls (or at least Angie) are just as excited as she is. Regardless of her relations with the other three Lords, Donna much prefers the company of a lover.

For real though she’s shy as hell and you might not even realize who’s pulling the strings until you’ve been in her house for over a year. She’d probably use her powers to trap you inside, at least at first, though they’d be nice hallucinations. You’d have to treat the dolls nicely, especially Angie, before she’d let you interact with her.

Eventually you’d be allowed to leave, and you’d be given a key to return whenever you wanted to. Assuming that you do, in fact, come back, the two of you would have a very, very slow romance, if only because of Donna’s anxiety. Hand holding makes both of your faces turn beet red, seriously.

Immortality Compatibility: *chanting* GHOST GIRLFRIEND GHOST GIRLFRIEND POLTERGEIST PARTNER POLTERGEIST PARTNER WOOHOO! Something with a flexible, only-sometimes-tangible form, who absolutely could have left at any time but didn’t because they wanted to stay.

[mega-bastard]

Bitch in Heat Stuck Under Debris Gets WRECKED

a miki mouse whorehouse collab, the m.list you can find here 

cw: sexual harrassment, abo themes, dubcon kinda

as the poor quality picture can’t really show you, I got stuckage and I chose Bakugo with the finishing touch of making it ABO <3 It’s also two days late but shhhhh we don’t talk about it uwu also 2.7 words of pain enjoy 

katsuki bakugou is becoming a thorn in your side.

you’ve both been metaphorically and somewhat literally glued to each others sides since highschool. it’s not necessarily a bad thing, to be quite frank katsuki is something of a deterrent in a world of second genders and pheromones— something you capitalized on in high school.

being an omega hero isn’t something entirely world shattering, but it’s a position that comes with lots of stereotypes— stereotypes you fought tooth and nail to fight against in your younger years. being one of four omegas in your class was...irritating, to say the least. lots of preconceived notions that you needed to be helped with trivial things, and while your classmates intentions came from a good place it was maddening. save for katsuki, back when he had no restraint with his anger and aggression, he didn’t coddle you like your classmates did. Labeled a brute for his actions towards his omega classmates in trivial interaction or sparring, you thrived on the normality— katsuki was an ass to everyone. Your omega was placated, finally encountering an alpha who wasn’t belittling her with preconceived daintiness.

it was easy to hang near katsuki, ignoring the atrocity that was his vocabulary. eventually like the rest of the peanut gallery that was the bakusquad, you just existed alongside katsuki— which meant that you grew on him. katsuki swears up and down that you’re all a nuisance but you’ve seen him go up to bat for all you at some point, you knew you’d all made some sort of ragtag pack with one another. this was rather amazing to you at the time, not to sell yourself short but you’d never really imagined belonging to a close knit group of friends— especially realizing that they understood when it was appropriate to step in for you. katsuki in particular had a knack for being at the right place at the right time.

During your second year you fumbled.

interning with miruko had its perks, a top 5 hero with raw strength, cunning, and the drive to just keep going— and an omega. landing and internship with her had been a dream, even more-so when you learned she’d been watching you since your first year because of the festival. bright eyed and eager, nothing could have dampened your spirits— neither katsuki and his usual moody behavior or the standoffish alpha from shiketsu. yes, you all had landed an internship with miruko and part of you was...worried? katsuki had never looked down on heroes based on their second genders but you couldn’t speak for the shiketsu alpha, both alphas interning under an established omega hero put your inner omega on edge— you didn’t quite know why though. but you chose to squash the feeling and enjoy your internship with who was essentially your idol and continue on.

then you started getting sexually harassed.

his name was omori kisai and he was the worst. hailing from shiketsu, known for their dignified schooling, he was far from it. salacious comments dropped when no one was listening, less that appropriate touching when passing by and just general ick that had your skin crawling and omega snarling. it was easy to brush it off as banter the first time, section off the awkward contact as an accident. The second time you made it clear the comments were not liked and the touches far from appropriate, after the third time you’d snap an insult or have to hold a trembling fish from making contact. but it was coming to a head and your suppressors could only do so much to hide your souring scent. looking back you should have said something, but your pride had told you that it was a necessary step to overcome and push through— that he wouldn’t be the last. it weighed you down, day by day, a heavy cloud that wouldn’t let up. one particular bad timed comment brought tears to eyes and shame to your entire being.

thankfully, as time would come to show, katsuki tended to nose into your dilemmas.

the day prior to the abrupt end of your harassment  you’d been tripped up by a villian and had fallen a sizeable distance into a pitiful excuse of pond. of course, omori had taken this as an open invitation to mock you and then offer you his shitty hero costume cloak— not without hinting at you returning the favor ‘somehow’. yeah right. you had stomped off, unaware of katsuki’s presence nearby. come next day, omori avoided you like the plague and katsuki not so subtly stuck to your side like an unwilling chowchow— all growly and temperamental. but his constant presence rubbed his scent off on you. despite his less than chummy attitude, you weren’t mad; katsuki smelled like cinnamon spice and whiskey with hints of burnt caramel— absolutely overpowering yet decadent all the same.

you tried not to think about just how much you enjoyed his smell. your omega was purring about it.

the omori incident was the beginning of katsuki’s subtle hovering. though you pried the truth of his involvement in omori leaving you alone after offhandedly bringing it up to mina and jirou one day, katsuki helped you out of situations as invasively as possible time and time again. by the end of third year it was no secret to you of your classmates teasing of your relationship with katsuki; an amiable and prideful omega and the irritable powerhouse of an alpha. you brushed it off because...well you didn’t know why, but katsuki’s seeming indifference to the teasing had you quelling every jittery happiness your inner omega expressed at the thought of katsuki being your alpha.

now, three years out of highschool and beginning to climb the ranks, katsuki was becoming testy— and for the life of you the reason couldn’t be more opaque.  you both work at the same agency, and due to the nature of your quirks you spend all your time together due to their compatibility. compatibility was a bitter word for you, katsuki and yours supposed compatibility had been talked about for some time now but the sobering reality is that perhaps you two were simply good friends— and now sharing your omegas endearment for the explosive alpha had reared its ugly head.

your heat was a week away and already you felt the familiar fatigue begin to lap at you alongside general moodiness. all that coupled with the annoying need to be around katsuki was maddening and sprinkling his own extra grouchy attitude on top and you were ready to snap. in hindsight, that should have been your cue to take an extra week off— instead you chose to once again to champion pride instead of your intellect.

you could have stayed home this morning, you should have.

patrol had been slow, not particularly unusual but favored nonetheless. face raised to the slowly dipping sun you couldn’t help but sigh, the warmth of the late afternoon sun was heaven sent-- you could sleep standing up with much issue. it remided you katsuki, strangely enough though most things did recently.

the sound of screaming and rushing feet shook you from your drowsy stupor. Set on alert, you spied the source of the sudden discordance and found several villains causing a commotion. quickly calling for backup for you before finding yourself facing a hulking mass of green charging you head on. tranquility gone, it was time to fight.

the ache in your body could not be more apparent but your humiliation ran more rampant in your system than any ache or pain could, your fatigue more than present as your body hummed with warmth. leave it to you to get stuck face down and ass up amongst the trashed ruins of what was an office building, weighed down between a broken desk and a collapsed bookshelf. the villain you had engaged with, some self-named idiot calling himself cruel croc, packed a punch and your bruised body and rendered office floor were a testament to that. of course, you’d done quite the bit of damage to him yourself before the entire floor collapsed underneath you both— rendering the meathead unconscious under a rather hefty pile of concrete and debris whereas you were pinned and to utterly weak to do much.

the thrum of your heat was beginning its path of vengeance through your body, feeling too pliant to get yourself out of what was otherwise easy to fix problem. you were feeling it, bad. the heat of your clothed cunt was beginning to become too apparent, unconsciously squeezing your thighs to provide relief to no avail. no, this could not be happening right now of all times. but as much as your inner monologue fought to try and will away your heat, the warmth was becoming too much and sudden breeze of wind had you trembling and whining. the feel of slick beginning to wet your hero costumes spandex set your hazing thoughts into sudden panic, if cruel croc woke up or if another villain came across you would they be above...the thought alone could’ve made you puke. flashbacks to second year had you bucking wildly for freedom, you wouldn’t let anyone have the opportunity for—

“ OI! Shitty ‘mega were are you? Are you—“

you stilled, biting hard to keep your mouth shut. your omega was whimpering, desperate for the alpha, HER alpha to relieve her from her heat. on a normal day she could melt into his scent, but right now? she could drown in it and die happy. with his scent getting stronger the closer katsuki clambered toward you, the more the head haze grew-- the slicker your thighs became. the whimper you let loose was pitiful, the need for some sort of stimulation to your cunt becoming near painful the longer you remained so close yet so far from katsuki. the pathetic little “alpha” you whined as you heard him quickly approach from behind would’ve been utterly embarrassing to you in any other situation.

but if you could have turned to see katsuki, you would’ve been met with the look of an unmistakably feral alpha-- pupils dilated to hell, fingernails blackened, and canines elongated and sharpened. but what you lacked in sight, you could hear and smell.

katsuki was the definition of an alpha as is, but the way he was pushing his scent out was like a big red sign that screamed ‘DANGER’. To you, it had you feeling utterly submissive-- if you weren’t already face down and ass up you certainly would’ve moved into position.  practically salivating at the thought of what katsuki could do--

the heated palm on the globe of your ass is thought pausing, the sudden heated touch coaxing a sugary sweet moan from deep in your throat-- the small touch quickly turning to rough palming at your moaning. tt feels so good, but you want more. need more. 

“Please, need more Alpha” it's breathy and whiny, something you're far from day to day but it feels too natural escaping you. mewling at the ghost of a touch over your clothed cunt, your blubbering when it presses harder-- escalating you to tears of frustration when it ceases. practically feeling katsuki’s harsh breathing near your cunt you begin to wiggle and wail with all manner of unrestrained vigor; chanting alpha and katsuki like a prayer and begging for relief like a sinner for forgiveness. it’s working, you know it is, if katsuki’s breathing is anything to go by but he refuses any further touching. you want katsuki everyday, but right now you need him. 

“Only want you Katsuki, please it’s only been you,” you hiccup your words through a shrill plea, but the tearing of your soaked spandex sends an excited chill down your spine. your legs tremble with excitement when katsuki grips the tops of your thighs and spreads them-- revealing your drooling cunt. it’s both too much and not enough all at once and you wiggle once more, yelping from a smack to your left ass cheek. it’s not particularly painful, not even as katsuki rubs over it right after the hit, but it quells your wiggling nonetheless. you open your mouth to urge him on but he beats you to it.

“No one else, you got that ‘mega? No one gets to see you like this, no gets to touch you like this-- your mine,” he punctuates his declaration with two of his deliciously thick fingers in your cunt and you squeal, “ you got that? I’m your alpha, always have been always will be.” nodding despite yourself, you struggle for words with his fingers pumping in and out alongside the ghost of pressure on your clit “Yes! Yes, I’m yours Katsuki!” you babble your words already teetering on the precipice of your first orgasm. it takes a pickup in pace and a rough rub along your clit and your wailing, slick streaming down your thighs as your first orgasm crashes into you.

despite the pleasant haze in your head, you faintly hear zippers being undone and the shuffling of clothes. licking your lips, you perk your ass up as much as the heavy bookcase allows, purring in excitement like a spoiled cat. The rough grab of your hips leaves you gasping, feeling the length of katsukis dick along your thigh-- long and heavy. you're salivating as he lines himself up with your weeping cunt, ramming his entire length in you with little regard. stars shoot across your vision and your ears deafen, crying out at being so full. it feels wonderful being stuffed this full and you babble it to katsuki. if you could see him, you would see just how prideful and smug he looked-- only he can take care of you like this, none of the other shitty alphas can take care of you this well.

katsuki sets a rough pace, drawing himself out slowly like he’s aiming for you to feel every vein of his dick before slamming back into you. your poor cunt clenches sporadically, drawing groans and growls from your alpha and all you can do is choke on broken moans because the way he feels churning your insides is downright sinful. you felt a band begin to tighten in your belly, your broken moans evolving into babbling-- how good katsuki was making you feel and how he was the only one who made you feel this good. it spurred him onward, fucking into you with more vigor alongside groans of your names and his own praise for you. “Good fuckin ‘mega”, “Takin’ me so well”, and “My perfect little mate” were some of the praise you could catch and had you preening. All of it combined you felt the band tighten and you couldn’t stop yourself from sobbing out. feeling the base of Katsuki’s length begin to swell, you could only salivate at the thought of being knotted.

“Want your knot Katsuki! Alpha I need it”

 at your blubbering demand, katsuki faltered in pace for only a moment before a deep mix of a groan and growl ripped from his throat. grabbing and bending your leg upwards he fucked deeper and faster into your battered cunt, the new angle sending you hurtling into your orgasm. eyes rolled back and tongue, you felt utterly boneless-- momentarily brain dead before screaming out at Katsuki knotting you, his own groan of pleasure mixing with yours as he filled you impossibly full with his seed. 

 trembling underneath him, you were only a fraction aware of movement above you before the weight of the bookcase vanished from you. weakly you glance back up at your alpha. your surprised to see just how feral he looks, no doubt you’ve pushed him into his rut. whimpering as he moves down upon you, he nibbles and kisses along your jaw and neck before biting down on you scent gland. a flash a white hot pain curtailed by just as intense pleasure wracks your wrecked body but the dopy look of happiness pulls a low purr from katsuki.

you wanna say something, anything, but your too exhausted and as katsuki knot subsides you let another weak whimper as he removes himself-- feeling his seed spill from your battered cunt. he pulls a quiet moan from you as he gathers some of it a pushes back in-- and a glance at his smug face lets you know that he’s decidedly not done with you yet.

[kanmom51]

That anon who mentioned namjoon saying the members shouldn't be too close cause it would cause problems, just reminded me that I wanted to ask what you thought about that comment from him. I think he's said it twice, in bv4 and in the soop if I'm not mistaken (and I could be so correct me if I'm wrong) and yoongi quickly refuted his point when he said it on that bus by saying him and jin are super close like soul mates nowadays. That made me think that's an area of dispute between namjoon and the rest of the guys cause everybody else was silent when namjoon kind of tentatively brought that point up.

Do you have any strong opinions on this?

So, yeah, this one was slightly hard to swallow for me. What did RM mean by saying:

“but if you’re too close, almost like real brothers, you have to be suspicious of that. It’s dangerous to be too close to each other.”

I am still trying to wrap my head around this one. What did he mean? We know that the members are close, some members have even closer relationships with each other than with others. They as a band even showcase one of those relationships having a song about it (Vmin, if it wasn't obvious). So, where was RM going with this one?

Suga was really the only one to rebut RM by saying that Jim and him are like brothers now, that they talk all the time and are highly compatible.

I don't know why RM said what he did. I do think we have to, as usual, put things into context. This was said around 5-6 months into the pandemic. They were all standing, as the rest of us, on shaky grounds, probably not knowing "where do we go from here", after all their plans for touring went up in flame. Between the lines I read that they weren't rehearsing, so RM might have been feeling isolated. Maybe he distanced himself from the rest and that was his way of dealing with it, explaining it off. Perhaps that was his way of explaining to himself and the other members why he keeps them at arms length. It could be his own anxiety speaking, his reasoning for distancing himself from the others, something he may feel he needs to do as the leader.

Suga's reaction is what throws me off a bit, because to me that shows the other members did take his words at face value. It is certainly an odd thing to bring up, when there are clearly super close relationships within the group, and that is why it keep bringing me back to him saying it perhaps to explain him distancing himself from the others.

After Suga said what he did, RM's reaction was in a gist how he can't wait to get back to practicing. Two things I take from this. First, he wanted to move on from that comment, change the subject. Second, wanting to go back to practicing can show just how much he was missing the interaction with the others, indicating just how isolated he may be feeling at that point in time (again, pandemic...).

This is all conjecture on my part. The remark did throw me off to start with, but it just cannot be taken at face value when we know just how close some of the members are to each other and have been for years and years. Why would RM wake up now and say something to the effect that they need to distance themselves. Just doesn't make sense. Hence, my thoughts on the matter.

[skeletalroses]

I was going to submit this anonymously to one of the bigger aspec blogs but it got so long that I’d feel like a pain in the ass. I’m posting this because I’ve recently landed in a bit of a difficult situation in the vein of Just Aroace Things, and I’m not sure what to do or even how to feel. I’m hoping to get some advice from the community re: a topic that comes up from time to time---navigating roommate/housing situations as an aroace, particularly when your potential roommate’s romance fucks you over.

I met my best friend, A, our sophomore year of college when we got paired up via roommate lottery. We clicked right away and had a blast living together. Unfortunately it only lasted a year, since the best option for my major was to transfer to another campus while for her it was best to stay put. We’ve known each other for nine years now and live in different states, but we visit regularly and had always talked about living together again once we both moved away from our parents.

I’m aroace, sex- and romance-repulsed. A is super considerate and supportive of this. She even discovered recently that she’s demisexual (which she learned about while researching the symbolism of the asexual flag! On her own, completely unprompted! Because she thought it would help her understand me more! See? Super supportive!). She is, however, very, very alloromantic. Up until now this has just been one more facet of our overall odd-couple dynamic (I’m an Addams and she’s a Disney fairy), which has always been something we’ve laughed at and reveled in.

A couple months ago, however, A moved out of her parents’ place and in with her boyfriend of a few years. I’m still with my parents, which suits me fine for the time being, but I eventually want to move out. Like I said, A and I have long talked about living together. We never made any specific plans, but I’ve asked her before to verify that yes, this is a thing we’re both Actually down to do when the time’s right. But that was a good while ago, before she moved in with Boyfriend. We visited last weekend and I brought up the subject again, because I’ve been unsure about it since that whole development.

“Feel free to say no; I won’t be offended; I just want to know how my options stand at this point. We’ve talked in the past about rooming together again. With Boyfriend in the picture now, is that still on the table?”

A’s answer: “Boyfriend has a lot of anxiety, so probably not. Sorry. He doesn’t even like having his family stay over. You’re welcome to stay a few days but not for like weeks on end.”

This was a calm conversation had over cocktails in the mall. She asked to make sure my parents weren’t threatening to kick me out or anything; I assured her that they weren’t, and I wasn’t moving anytime soon, and it’s okay that my rooming with her is out.

Only I’m not that okay with it. I wasn’t confident she’d say yes, but I did kind of think it was likely, and moreover I’m realizing how much I was unconsciously banking on that plan. I’ve been sans income during the pandemic, and I have a fuckton of economic anxiety to begin with. A’s a STEM major in a big city who easily found a solidly-paying job right out of college. She gets promotions and raises and shit. I’m a humanities major in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere where all my impressive qualifications (which I do have) can’t get me anything with a living wage below management level, let alone something in my field. And I’m never going to have that built-in cohabitant in the form of a romantic or sexual partner that allos like A can take for granted. A was the person I could split costs with so as to maybe live semi-decently with someone compatible. Without her, my chances of having that have plummeted.

And it’s all because she got a romosexual partner. This guy who’s known her half as long as I have; who never worked her through the trials and eventual breakup of her previous long-term, engaged-to-be-engaged relationship; who has himself caused her massive amounts of grief, suffering, and sometimes outright danger through his inability to competently handle the drama in his personal life that should never have touched her, all while her mother would write letters to me asking me to come visit because, actual quote, A only smiles when I’m around. He was the reason she would be too depressed to function, and I had to long-distance therapize her through it even though she refused to take the basic step of leaving this grown-ass man at least until he got his shit together, because “he needs me.”

It’s like this dude calls the shots in A’s and my relationship now. I hadn’t seen her in seven months because every time we planned a weekend to hang out, it’d get canceled because Boyfriend wanted to go see his family or something (and he can’t do that without her, I fucking guess). Even this last visit got cut down to overnight when it was supposed to be the long weekend, because Boyfriend wanted to make other plans. And now my best option for future living arrangements is apparently down the shitter because of him. It’d have been one thing if A doesn’t want to live with me anymore because she and he need their allo space or whatever the fuck couples do (still amatonormative and lousy for me). But as far as I understand, it’s not even that. It’s not her. It’s Boyfriend. A and I can be planning something for the two of us for weeks, for months, for years, then it all goes away in a minute because ehh, it kinda cramps Boyfriend’s style. I’m, as A called me, her “best friend soulmate.” I Was Here First. I never fucking made her cry. But I can’t kiss her or fuck her, so I automatically take a backseat to the one who can. I don’t need to be her Number One, but I don’t appreciate being pushed aside at Boyfriend’s every whim.

A, I’m sure, doesn’t realize how it looks from my angle. I know she cares about me and doesn’t want me to feel devalued. She’s just an oblivious alloro. I’m not even sure Boyfriend’s intentionally hogging her. (To be clear, I don’t think he’s a bad person; I’ve only met him a handful of times but I reliably clock my friends’ truly shitty partners on less. I haven’t heard about any crises in the past year or so, so I guess he’s finally managing his baggage well enough that A’s life can go smoothly and not suck.) I’m not unsympathetic to anxiety either; I’m chronically mentally ill and I’ve had my share. And I get we’re little more than strangers at this point. But I hate that he can just singlehandedly veto me and A rooming together ever. It’s much more of a blow to my likely quality of life than he or A---or tbh even I did, before this point---realize.

I hate feeling like I’m being jealous and needy. Maybe A just genuinely likes him better and it’s not only an amatonormative thing. I know I’m not entitled to live with her; it’s not like we promised or anything. But the option getting shut down really made me realize how much I resent not having it, and how much I kind of resent Boyfriend in general.

Which brings me to the asking-for-advice part, to the maybe two people who’ve read this far. Aspecs on here have talked about how amatonormativity fucks over single people and especially aros in terms of housing and life in general. Has anyone dealt with a situation like mine? How do you manage the amatonormative behavior of people in your life snatching your prospects out from under you, or feeling like it has? Is my reaction even reasonable? If so, how should I bring it up to A? This would be the closest thing we’ve ever had to a conflict, and also I’m...not great at being vulnerable. I can’t even vagueblog about these topics because my social media presence is limited to Tumblr and hers to Facebook. Hell, maybe I should just forget it for now, since I’m not changing housing anytime soon anyway, and cross that bridge when I get to it. I wouldn’t ask her to leave him, since their relationship seems to be going a lot smoother than it had been. But goddamn, am I filled with aroace salt about this.

[flooffybits]

Compatible

Idol: Loona

Request: Yes

Anon: about the loona 13th member request how about having them (loona) doing a group vlive with the new member and the fans start shipping them ? btw is this a request because even i can’t tell.lol. \^.^/ p.s. i’m writing the on android so i can’t add emoji so i’m just typing “lol” lol…

Author’s note: It looks like it’s still a request so don’t worry nonnie. I wasn’t sure if you meant a scenario or reaction so if you were hoping for something else, feel free to tell me

Arriving back to South Korea, the girls helped you with settling into the dorm. Since you were added at the last possible minute, there wasn’t exactly a room for them to spare, but that did not mean they had no more space. So after rearranging some of the things they had, they were able to get your things fixed up into a room.

The girls decided that it was probably best that you stayed in the room with Kahei and Haseul for when you had to study, which ended up with you staying in 1/3’s room. Even though you insisted that you didn’t mind sleeping on the couch, Haseul was adamant that you shared the bed with her, refusing on letting you sleep in such an uncomfortable position.

Since her bed was big enough to fit the two of you, she had no problem with it. She even threatened that she would sleep in the living room with you if you decided to decline her offer, much to everyone’s amusement.

BlockBerry would be transferring you all to a bigger dorm though just so you could all feel comfortable with having your own beds.

A little after things have settled down, you were joining the girls at the studio, making it your first time there with so many people since the rooms didn’t have this many people when you were still a trainee. Jiwoo looked excited when she hooked her arm with yours and began walking you to the practice room when you entered the building.

“This is going to be so fun! I can’t wait for Orbits to get to talk to you.” The girl chirped and you found her happiness too contagious that you ended up giggling with her. Heejin spotted the two of you when she opened the door and waved you over. “You’re finally here! Come on, we’re just getting ready.”

During your time with these girls, you’ve come to learn that they’re very affectionate and playful. “Yah!”

And loud.

Once you stepped inside, you weren’t exactly surprised to see Sooyoung sitting on Hyejoo’s back and tickling the younger girl, along with Chaewon and Yerim. Jungeun was trying to keep a distance between her and Jinsoul since the older girl looked like she was trying to annoy her. The other members were just lounging around and waiting for the live to begin, all of them obviously happy to talk to their fans. Introducing you was only making them even more hyper because they were able to show you the things that they’ve done so far.

“Y/n unnie is here!” Yeojin cheered, hopping out of her chair to race over to you and take your free hand. “Y/n, since this is an introduction, we want you to stay at the side until we call your name.” Sooyoung told you when she finally got off Hyejoo’s back and letting the younger girl breathe after the assault her friends have done on her.

“Isn’t that a bit extra?” Hyunjin questioned as she took a seat. “It’ll be fun! Even though everyone has already seen Y/n, this is going to be a formal introduction.” Jinsoul grinned when she finally stopped harassing Jungeun. “We’ll do the introduction and then when we call your name, poof!” Chaewon said with exaggerated hand movements.

You laughed lightly before nodding your head. “Okay. I think I can do that.” Yerim smiles at you and then gives you a quick hug. “Y/n unnie, fighting!”

The live started when the girls finally got settled on the floor while you sat beside your manager, who was handling the camera.

“Orbits! Today is a really special day.” Haseul says cheerfully while the others pretended to be confused with her statement. “What do you mean, unnie? Is there something we have planned?” Yeojin asked playfully before Heejin spoke up. “Oh, right! We have a special surprise for our Orbits today.”

“A surprise?” Sooyoung mock gasped before she’s looking at you. “I wonder what it could be.” Jiwoo shook her head at her friend. “It’s not a what. The surprise for today is…”

“Our Y/n!” Jinsoul and Kahei cheered while the rest of the girls clapped and screamed, making you giggle when you ran over to give each of them a hug. But they all seemed to have the same idea as they stood up to crush you in a group hug instead, which resulted in all of you toppling over and you ended up with both Hyejoo and Jungeun under you, then Heejin and Hyunjin on top of you.

The squealing and laughter didn’t end until you all got up, Heejin looping her arms around your waist when she pulled you to your feet and then Haseul dusted you off. Once that was over with, everyone took their seats again while Sooyoung kept you in between her and Hyejoo.

“Hello! Y/n here, please take care of me.”

“As you all know, Y/n is our last addition to the group and came with her song Break Out.” Sooyoung began while she gave you a side hug. “People have commented that they really liked the song and the video.” Jiwoo added while clapping and the rest followed suit. “We all went to join her for filming and it was really cold.” Hyejoo shivered when she remembered all the snow.

“Guys, we know that Y/n coming late was a surprise, but you better be nice to her.” Kahei tells the fans and the others nodded. “It was a last minute decision, but we really love her and we want you guys to love her too.” Chaewon states while Sooyoung pulled you closer. You only smiled at the girls’ protectiveness and then shook your head.

“Unnie, someone was asking about the last scene for the music video.” Yeojin told you when she scrolled through the comment section. “Jungeun showed you the question when she leaned forward, since she sat behind you. Her chin rested on your shoulder while you read it and furrowed your brows. “Was it scary when you were in the glass box?” She read out for you. “People are saying that they can’t imagine being stuck in there with water.” Jinsoul added in when she saw people start to talk about it. “Honestly, I think watching that and the one before, at the lake, gave me anxiety.” Hyunjin said, recalling the worry she felt at the time.

“It wasn’t really scary. I can hold my breath under water for a while, but the challenge was actually breaking the glass.” You answered after a while. “That scene was either going in or not because we had to perfect it in one go. There was only one container, so if I didn’t do it right, it wouldn’t be in the video.” You explained while looking to the camera. “And then the lake scene?” Yerim asked curiously.

Heejin decided to speak at that time, looking at you with furrowed brows. “Filming that was so scary. As soon as Y/n was finished, I just wanted to pull her out of there because I thought she might fall in.” She explained, being one of the few people present there. “Unnie was really scared, but I think so were we.” Hyejoo admitted with a grimace. “While she was doing that part, I kept thinking ‘don’t fall in’ again and again.” She added further. “Even when there was a lot of things for precautionary measurements and a stunt double, seeing her standing on such thin ice was terrifying.” Yeojin told them.

“You really had to stand on it?” Chaewon asked, surprised while the four of you nodded. “Yah! Manager, why was that allowed?” Haseul shouted playfully, though deep down she was a bit distressed with the fact.

Jiwoo looked to you and started to pat your leg just to catch your attention and you smiled at her when you looked. She pinched your cheeks before engulfing you into a warm hug, one you happily returned. “Ah, you’re so brave! I wish I could do things like that, too.” She told you before Yerim spoke.

“Y/n unnie actually got hurt for that last scene she had.” Hyunjin perked up at the mention of it and Jinsoul lifted her hand up. “Hyunjin told me about it and when Choerry and I went to check, she kept saying that she was fine.”

“I was going to clean it up back at the hotel. Unnie, I told you already!” You protested before Sooyoung was rubbing your back. “Just accept defeat.” Hyejoo tells you, knowing that there was no ending the conversation if you kept talking about it. “But all in all, Y/n did a really good job with filming.” Hyunjin cut in with an encouraging smile. “I think everyone can agree with that if they watched the video and Loona tv.” Haseul stated proudly when she reached over to pat your shoulder.

While the live went on, Yerim suddenly came up with something when she was watching the comments that people were making about how you were a foreigner. So she turned to you and scooted closer until she squeezed herself between you and Sooyoung. “Unnie, there’s something you have to do, and you can’t say no.”

Blinking, you gave the younger girl a nod while she put her phone down. “Do you know what aegyo is?” She asked you and you furrowed your brows in confusion before shaking your head. “What does that mean?” Your question made the others grin and it looked like they all had the same idea Yerim had when she approached you.

“Right, because Y/n is still learning a lot about our culture, there are some things she doesn’t know.” Heejin explained and Kahei just smiled at you when you looked at her for some sort of confirmation with what was happening. “Basically, when someone asks you to do aegyo, you have to act or do something really cute.” Jiwoo explained and showed an example by throwing a bunch of hearts your way. “And you can’t decline when someone older than you asks you to do it.”

“Then that means I can decline?” You ask, knowing that Yerim was younger than you, but the girls all shook their heads, making you stare in confusion that Jinsoul had to stop herself from laughing while Haseul was already smiling because of the adorable look you had on your face.

“Because we’re considered your seniors, that means you have to do it.” Yeojin reason before you look to your manager. “Really?” Everyone was doing their best from bursting into giggles and Hyunjin signaled their manager to play along, making him nod at you before you let out a soft ‘oh’ before agreeing, though a bit unsure.

Chaewon, Yeojin, Kahei, Heejin, and Jinsoul moved so that they could see you better. You looked at all their excited and expectant faces before turning to Jungeun, who took your hand when everyone was busy rearranging where they were sitting. “I… don’t know what to do.” You admitted and Hyejoo waved her hand. “You can do whatever as long as it’s cute.” She assures but it doesn’t really give you an idea with what to do, so Jiwoo suggests you something instead.

“When you talk, you have to do it in a slightly higher pitch.” She instructs as you listen intently. “You should introduce yourself and then do something like a heart or wink.” Sooyoung added. “Oh! Oh! You should do the puppy introduction since it’s your representative animal.”

While you were being instructed by Chuveslipsoul, the other girls took the time to explain everything to everyone who was watching. “Y/n is still studying Korean, so Haseul and I are with her at the dorm.” Kahei said with a soft smile. “And every night, before we go to sleep, Haseul unnie is teaching Y/n new words that she doesn’t know.” Heejin said, explaining how Haseul was also able to convince you to sleep in the same bed as her.

“She works really hard, being someone who isn’t from Korea.” Chaewon looked a bit apprehensive, thinking that there would be people that would dislike you for still learning. “Y/n is really admirable.” Haseul intervened when she noticed the look on her face and smiled. “Even though she’s only been studying for a few months, she’s been doing exceptionally well.”

“We take note of words she asks us throughout the day, then we’ll quiz her about it at night.” Hyunjin giggled then showed them a short list of words that she had on her phone for that day, but when she went back to the comments, she saw a few that made her smile.

hyunjin looks so excited when talking about y/n

remember when hyunjin was the first to notice how y/n got hurt?

“It’s so cute when unnie is studying. She just stays in one place with her papers and notebook in front of her. She works really hard and she isn’t shy when asking us for help when she can’t understand things.” Hyejoo shared an instance where she had woken up to see you huddled up in the living room, studying like the previous days.

Yerim nodded in agreement, smiling when she remembered the first time she and Chaewon met you. “When we first met, she was so shy. She refused to talk the first few times because she wasn’t confident with her Korean, but now she talks a lot more and it’s just so nice to know that we’re able to make her feel comfortable.” She beamed and Kahei hummed lightly.

“Okay! We got it!” Jungeun’s voice cut in when she clapped her hands to get everyone’s attention and the girls noticed the determined look in your eyes when they finally looked back to you. Sooyoung and Jinsoul were rubbing your back and shoulders. “She can do it.” Jinsoul said with a thumbs up and the girls waited while Jiwoo counted from three.

“Hello! I am Loona’s cuddly puppy, Y/n! Don’t be sad or I’ll be sad too.” You spoke with your hands acting like paws and then making a puppy like whine, making all of them giggle and squeal. Some even gasped before Jiwoo tackled you and enveloped her arms tight around you while cheering. “You’re so cute!” She shouted gleefully. “Stop hogging her.” Heejin called out.

“Yyxy deserves to spend more time with Y/n since you four already spend a lot of time with sharing a room.” Sooyoung quipped. “What about us?” Jungeun retorted and Hyejoo waved her off. “You spent more time when we were in Canada!” She shot back when she moved to sit between you and Jiwoo, casually holding your hand and resting her head on your shoulder.

“Nope. Back, back, back.” Haseul said when she pulled you away and sat with you between her legs, your back pressed to her front. “Hey, that’s not fair! You get to sleep with her when we go to bed.” Yerim pouted and none of them were even fazed with how she worded her sentence because soon enough, Hyunjin was holding your hand and pulling you to her side instead.

Haseul stole a quick glance at the comments and she had to cover her face when she saw the comment about what Yerim said.

haseul and y/n share a bed?

its so cute to see haseul be so protective

but that episode where yves kept looking after y/n was so precious too

she even gave her jacket to her

“Y/n, looks like we look cute together.” She winked, though she did try hard not to blush as she pretended to be unbothered by the comment. “Someone said we shouldn’t fool Y/n unnie.” Yeojin commented and they paused to think on what the statement was implying, forgetting what they did just moments earlier.

Yerim took the other side of you and hugged you when Hyunjin had to grab something from the table. “I met unnie, first though.”

“I was there, too.” Chaewon intervened, making you laugh before stopping them from bickering. “Shouldn’t we be focusing on the questions?” You ask, hoping to distract them and Sooyoung looked to her phone and then laughing when she saw the comments rolling in.

ive never seen choerry act jealous like this

is she really? its cute tho

gowon looks so protective too

oh no my hyewon heart is torn

can we talk about how y/n looked so comfortable with choerry and gowon?

“Y/n, are you attending school?” Chaewon read off after they brushed the earlier statement off. “I am.” You answer while gently stroking Hyejoo’s hand with your thumb and she saw how few people were able to pick up on the action and started to comment about them together. It made her smile but said nothing while she listened to you speak. “My classes are being done online until I finish this semester. After that, I was hoping to apply for a school that was near the company or the dorm.” You explain, not wanting to be stuck at the dorm or just the studio all day.

“Vivi unnie has been tutoring me a lot, but I don’t want to be bothering her too much.” Hearing this, Kahei gave you a look. “You aren’t bothering me.” She immediately tells you with a pout and seeing the look on her face made you melt. “I like being able to spend time with you, unnie. Don’t worry.” You assured her with a playful wink and finger guns, earning a giggle from the older girl before she looked down, only to blush when she saw some people commenting about you two together.

the way y/n said she likes being with vivi was so soft

its so domestic and honestly sounds so peaceful

cute study dates

“But everyone, aren’t Y/n and I the cutest together?” Jinsoul said when she ran over to hug you from behind, winking at the camera while she nuzzled you and Hyejoo whined when she was pushed away. “I took care of her when she got hurt, too.” She added, grinning triumphantly when Jungeun pulled her back. “Yes, they said you act like such a mom, now sit down.”

“And for your information, we were taking care of her before you got to meet her.” She added and then Yeojin sat down in front of you so she could lean against you, which you accepted when you wrapped your arms around her waist.

Y/n and yeojin were comforting each other during y/ns filming

their height difference is so cute too

I dont know if lippie is jealous of jinsoul or y/n

The last comment did not go unnoticed by said girl and she made a little sound that she covered with a cough before waving her hands in the air. “Let’s see what other questions Orbits have for Y/n.” She says out loud and they follow suit while you, Yeojin, and Yerim were quietly talking among yourselves. But Jiwoo was sitting at the side and watching with a pout that earned some comments and Sooyoung had to nudge her before showing her phone.

chuu gets to have someone as cute as her

soft girlfriends vibe

Seeing that made her giggle, before she shook her head and then she saw someone asking them about when they would get the chance of seeing the girls again, now with you as the newest member.

“We don’t have a definite date but, we can say that it will be soon.” Heejin answered quickly before she looked back. “Oh, someone asked Y/n something.” She called and you lifted your head when you heard your name. “Can you give us your first impression of the girls when you first met them?”

Looking to each member, you furrowed your brows. “I’ll do it by age.” This earned numerous shouts and laughter. You giggled because of the reaction but went on, anyway. “Vivi unnie, when I first saw her she looked really shy. Haseul unnie, she scared me the first time and I thought she was crazy.” That earned laughs around the room and Jungeun patted her friends shoulder when she sulked. “I was excited to see you!” She protested while you smiled sheepishly.

“Yves unnie was intimidating. She stood behind everyone and her eyes made her look even scarier.” Sooyoung looked about ready to complain, but you quickly added. “But she was very caring to me during the shoot, so eventually I thought, ah this unnie is really nice.” Settling down, the girl nodded her head with a huff and let you continue. “Jinsoul unnie, when I saw her I thought she was really pretty.” Hearing that made said girl grin before winking at you and blowing a kiss. “Then Lip unnie, she was very quiet the first time, so I thought she wasn’t very talkative…. I was very wrong.” Jungeun yelled from her place and only proved your point when you looked at her with a teasing smile.

“Chuu unnie, she was so full of energy and I wondered, isn’t she tired from the flight?” You ask with a look of disbelief. “From then on, I thought she was a really happy person.” You then looked over at Heejin and blushed before ducking your head.

That made the girls immediately react and question where the sudden embarrassment came from while Yeojin wiggled from your grasp. “Yah! Yah! Why are you getting so shy?” Jinsoul demanded and you quickly covered your face. “No! It’s just… Heejin is the first member and I was so starstruck because I couldn’t believe that she was younger than me. She spoke so confidently and I had no idea how to act.” You explained, making the younger girl blush as well when she shook her head while waving her hands in front of her face.

“Anyway…” You coughed awkwardly before looking to the next person. “Hyunjin unnie, she was really funny when we first met. She walked up to me and went “aeong”.” You said while imitating the girl and she nodded, echoing the sound and making Chaewon giggle when she gave her a small push.

“I might Choerry and Gowon at the company and they were both really nice that time since I just arrived. Choerry would not stop smiling and she acted like we were already friends. Gowon was the first of the two of them to notice that I was struggling with talking and I think that was really sweet of her when she was asking me what I needed and who I was looking for.” Looking to Hyejoo, you then giggled. “Olivia was the most unique one.”

Hearing that made the younger girl groan while crossing her arms. “As soon as you meet someone, it’s usually a hello or something like that.” You laughed. “But when Olivia came up to me, she asked right away if she could use the bow and arrows, so my initial impression was that she’s someone who likes to have fun.” You then gestured to Yeojin and beamed. “Yeojin, she’s cute. She’s tiny and then she tried to be intimidating.”

After giving them the first impressions, the girls seemed satisfied and then proceeded with the live. There was more questions than expected but you found it fun when your members tried to imitate some of the dances and actions you did for your song.

Heejin even grabbed your hand and told you to reenact your scene together, much to the girls’ dismay. “I was supposed to hug her or at least touch her face, but then the director said to just do what showed on the video.” She explained while she went and cupped your face like she first decided to do.

You ended up laughing as the two of you sat at the center and Heejin wrapped one arm around you since the other was holding her phone.

i think if they did that instead it would look nicer

it looks like a scene from a drama

You both giggled at the comments and Heejin snuggled up to you despite the members’ protests then stuck her tongue out playfully.

The rest of the day was just all thirteen of you playing around and when you all went back home to eat and have fun before your schedules would start up again. Though your actual home may be miles away, you didn’t mind the home that you were creating with all of them.

[yongiefilms]

EVANESCENCE.

pairing: mark lee x reader (female)

genre: fluff; angst; hints of humor; best friends!au; high school!au; college!au; unrequited love!au

warnings: language, heartbreak, indirect mentions of depression, crying is involved, mentions of death and loss, complex feelings, if you have a weak heart this may be hard to bear, you are literally in for a ride with a lot of ups and downs (i don’t know this is hard to put warnings on for some reason just beware with angsty teen feels aka angsty teen mark)

word count: 6.4k (how did i write this much? it is surely a mystery)

summary: distance is hard for anyone. it’s especially hard for couples, and maybe even more so best friends. with hundreds of thousands of miles separating you and mark lee, it’s impossible not to note the countless possibilities of what could go so wrong by being away from each other for an unknown amount of time. to cope with that longing mark lee writes to you, and he can only hope the feelings he pours out to you on paper are enough to keep that one thread you both are hanging by, unwavering and simply together.

author’s note: this fic is dedicated to our favorite giggly, watermelon loving, and adorably awkward social boy—mark lee. it’s officially his birthday in the states so happy 21st birthday, my precious and sweet boy. thank you for always brightening up our world and putting a smile on our faces. also, huge shoutout to my proofreaders/beta readers ( @wooqzi​ and @mjlkau​ ). you both were literally lifesavers and i can’t thank you enough for enduring through this semi-long fic with me, but i love you my renjun enthusiasts, you’re amazing.

THE CONTENTS OF THIS LETTER IS CONFIDENTIAL AND SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE OTHER THAN Y/N L/N. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

march 16, 20XX

my dearest y/n,

i remember the first time i saw you. i remember it so vividly that it seems like it was just yesterday, a fleeting instant in time that managed to stand still, being permanently engraved in my brain. it was november 15th, 20XX—our sophomore year of high school. i recall walking into our school’s library at around 3:25pm because i had to return a book from my literature and composition class. at that point i was also still waiting for my ride to come pick me up so i thought why not kill two birds with one stone? however, i wasn’t prepared for what i would see. (call me cheesy, though i already know you did once you saw the first couple of sentences).

when i strode in i saw you as if we were in the movies, where the male lead is stunned into awe at the gorgeous girl he comes across. you were sitting at a table by yourself in the center of the room with your back to me and the infamous large window that covered nearly the entire wall behind you. for some reason that same day was exceptionally beautiful. the sky was a vibrant blue shade with a few remains of scattered clouds, dotting the sky in white freckles. the sun shone a little brighter than usual, its warmth felt like a blanket wrapped around the body and it reflected across your face at the heaven-sent angle when you turned your head the tiniest bit, adoring you in a pleasant glow. i strolled in right at that moment when the sun decided to showcase you in its beauty and i couldn’t help but be astonished. you looked so ethereal and virtuous. i simply couldn’t look away. your arms were rested on the table, on either side of the book you had opened and when the sun was covered by a transient cloud, casting you in its shadow, is when you became more real, more like someone who was attainable. you then suddenly groaned and put your head down rather harshly on top of the book, emitting a loud sigh. i was quite surprised that no one called you out due to the noise you were making, you were in a library after all. (just know i can picture you rolling your eyes just about now).

yet i perceived it was odd that from merely hearing your sound of distress, i wanted to protect you. i wanted to shield you from future harm and future inapt doings. you made my heart clench so tightly i wondered what was wrong with me and how i could feel so deeply. i didn’t even know you. i hadn’t even seen you around school before. you were a stranger to me so why did i feel a certain way? i questioned myself and even still, to this day, i can’t bring myself to give you answers for that query nor can i find them. i suppose that is where i put the blame for what happened next.

i was so caught up in my head that i didn’t notice my feet had moved on their own accord right next to your table, where your head still rested. i know i must have looked insane and i don’t inculpate you for your reaction in the slightest. i was brought back to reality when the sun shone in my eyes just allowing me to turn my head to see you in your empyrean grandeur. the timing was appropriate too, because that was when you snapped your head up to meet my eyes. i was as startled as you, but it showed more clearly in your eyes rather than mine, considering i was so disoriented from reality. your eyes were wide, allowing me to clearly see the stunning color that was full of curiosity. you tilted your head to the right like a lost puppy kicked to the curb, waiting for someone to finally claim them. nevertheless, your own surprise didn’t last long since mere seconds after you scoffed loudly and turned away from me to bring your attention back to your assignment. your next words were the ones that sealed the deal and i seriously must have been crazy to be attracted by mere words that offended me above all, but they didn’t. if anything my heart clenched in my chest even more. (i must have been so out of it…i know you are laughing your ass off right now because of the dilemma i had. cruel). but you said, “what the hell are you looking at? you weirdo.” i knew then that would be the start of a glorious friendship and it was. i never happen to be wrong and that was one time i was thankful, even if it isn’t my most fondest memory (shut up) it still sparked the start of something much greater. something that i felt could last a lifetime.

so yes, we became the best of friends ever since that day and what a wild ride it was to get to that point. i knew you considered me too weird, too quiet, and too awkward for your taste, but we made the friendship work. we became inseparable even in our differences and for the rest of the years to come in high school, we were joined by the hip. there wasn’t you without me and there wasn’t me without you. you always had mark lee with y/n l/n and vice versa. i guess you could say you had me marked in your heart as you were in mine. (cue another eye roll and a laugh. i know you laughed). we were known for being that inseparable duo of best friends. you couldn’t have one without the other. some thought it was peculiar to see the once lonely boy and spirited girl befriend one another and be so compatible. it was unexpected, but they got used to it like all the other things that come and go. they came to accept it and even if their opinions didn’t matter to you, those things did to me because i wasn’t like you. i couldn’t brush off dislike or unacceptance. i didn’t have the power to do so, but don’t worry anymore, my love, i have come a long way and perhaps it is all due to you.

i’ve always wondered how we balanced each other out since everyone said we just didn’t quite fit the picture. you were dauntless and confident, knowing exactly what you wanted and you weren’t afraid to go out to get it. while i was embarrassing and closed off, not knowing the path to follow for my life and too scared to make mistakes when i knew i couldn’t fix them. although through our own struggles we were able to help each other grow and find ourselves. we became comfortable in our own skin and accepted who we were with all our faults, failures, and imperfections. you were someone who guided me and i only hoped that i was able to guide you the same way you did during this absurd journey of teenage life.

i suppose that is why i am afraid to tell you these next few words, these next few paragraphs that place my heart out for everyone to see and hear—but i don’t care about them, i only have ever cared for you and i always will. you may have assumed this from the start of this letter or it may have gone over your head as something that is normal for everyone to experience with another attractive soul at first glance. or you may have known throughout our years of knowing each other. you could have picked up the signs of things that weren’t so platonic—the gazes, the touches, or the words that meant something more than just friendly. you could have noticed, but refused to acknowledge the deeper undertones for your sake and most certainly my own. i know you and i know the last thing you would want for me is to be hurt or disappointed. to feel like you failed me when in reality if you knew that wouldn’t have mattered, since to me our friendship is worth more than any romance, if there would have been one at all. so you know, i am certain now, but it still scares me to write it down, to have it on permanent record for you to read whenever you want.

so here it goes.

over that time, over the course of us getting to know each other and becoming who we are today, the best of friends, i slowly started to fall for you—the person you were, someone i couldn’t be even if i tried. someone so raw, beautiful, and most of all real, both on the inside and out. you know i never was shallow, i never cared about someone’s appearance as what held significance to me the most was the heart. if your heart was good and wholesome and filled with love. that is what matters and the only thing that should. so while you are gorgeous (don’t let that get to your head now), you had a golden soul that i fell for ever so intensely.

i guess that’s why i decided to be daring that day—our senior graduation. you may be confused on what i mean since nothing was out of the ordinary that day, well for you at least. for me it was a different story. you see i had decided to do something, something out of my comfort zone and i honestly don’t know what came over me to do it in the slightest. you know how i am, i never like to be put into an uncomfortable situation since i don’t know how to deal with them. my social awkwardness just gets the best of me, but in that spur of a tick, realizing this was a huge milestone in our lives that we were overcoming, a milestone that would release us into the real world, i mused there was no harm. i really didn’t have anything to lose, except you that is. i could lose you, but i guess i knew deep within my heart that was a slim possibility because nothing could tear us apart, not even stupid teenage feelings. so you could say i finally gained enough confidence after spending so much time with you to do something out of the ordinary—to be bold like you. to just confess the truth and not worry about the consequences after. to just speak my mind and not surrender to fear. you helped me get to that point and while it did take some time, i was happy with who i came to be. someone proud with who they are, even for split second and i knew i had to do it before i turned back into a coward—before it was too late.

i had the ideal moment planned prior to it happening. i was going to tell you after we finished taking our graduation photos. there wasn’t a better time than that, when we were trying to capture the last moments of our high school career together. taking pictures with those we grew closer to over the years, those that made everything a little more sane, a little more fun. so when we look back we can reminisce about those times, no matter how many ups and downs there were because we finally reached the end goal. we made it.

after searching for you amongst the growing crowd for several long minutes after we proceeded off the stage, i saw you come towards me first, with your blue gown flowing in the wind. you literally ran full speed ahead and when you were a few inches away, you crashed into me. i had stumbled from the impact, taking several steps back so we both wouldn’t fall, as my arms came to rest around your own. you maneuvered your arms around my chest to give me a bear hug, stripping the oxygen away from me. when you let go after being in my embrace for what felt like eternity, i could clearly see your face. you were in a great mood—a beam on your face, your cheeks flushed from the sun’s heat, your eyes wide open with stars that filled the void, and your skin left in a brilliant glow. happiness surrounded you and a grin made its way onto my face at how in your element you finally looked. i knew it was then or never again, for your encouraging grin left me weak, yet strong. the perfect moment. yet, no moment is perfect. no one moment ever seems perfect for me. it doesn’t work out because fate wasn’t on my side—nor would it be for a long time.

you must have wanted to tell me something too that fateful day, since i could feel your excitement in my own bones and spot it a mile away, as right when i was about to confess, right when i opened my mouth to say those three dreaded words, you cut me off. you told me you had news, exciting and life changing news. news that would shatter me and wither my confidence away till what was left was speck of dust. you told me you were leaving to go to the states. that was the first pain i felt in my body. your admission letter had come in the mail earlier that morning when you were about to leave the house, on your way to the graduation ceremony. you were too anxious when your father relayed the news that you had gotten mail as your foot was almost out the door. you couldn’t wait to open it as your eagerness didn’t allow you to, so when you were handed that one large envelope addressed with your name from your dream college, your hands didn’t stop from ripping it open.

you got in.

you got into harvard university, the one college you told me since sophomore year that you wanted to go to, if it was the last thing you could do. i was so estatic for you, i was, because i knew how much the acceptance meant to you. you were working hard ever since you could talk and your passion was a huge part of that dedication to excelling in your academics. you deserved it more than anyone i knew, but my heart couldn’t help but crumble out of that exuberance.

you were rambling on about how thrilled you were and what you would do at college, all the classes you would take, the extracurricular activities, how you would have your own dorm or apartment and decorate it the way you wished. you just looked exactly how you did that day i took you out on a picnic to watch the sunset on that hill that overlooked the town—without a care in the world and so very content. so i couldn’t confess now, when you were going places, the places you dreamed of and when your life would take off for the better. you were just getting started, yet i couldn’t say what i so desperately wanted to say when you simply told me you were leaving, and so soon at that. i didn’t want to hold you back and i just know you are telling me i wouldn’t have, but i know the truth as do you. you would have stayed behind because you care too enormously with your heart to ever let me go, to ever have me sorrowful. so i didn’t say anything when you backtracked and asked me what i wanted to say before you spilled the news. i was thinking more with my head rather than my heart at that juncture. you gazing at me with your star-filled eyes and dazzling smile, i couldn’t do it, no matter how much energy coursed through my veins. i kept my mouth shut and told you it was nothing. you accepted the excuse though i know you knew it was a lie. we could always tell when the other lied and i was just glad you believed it at that point. i held back my feelings and my wants for your feelings and wants—for your needs. your life, your wishes, and your desires always meant more to me than my own. so we took those graduation photos and laughed with the rest of our friends. we were joyful then even if the future remained imbalanced and unsure.

you left later that month since you had to settle into a new country, a new state, a new culture, and a new life. in that time it wouldn’t be us if we didn’t spend every minute side by side and we did since you wanted to cherish our time together—our last time together. you would be on one end of the world and i would be on the other, thousands of miles separating us and a wide expanding sea. it was surreal and it still is. so we treasured all of it, even the little moments of going to each other’s houses in the wee hours of the morning to just watch the sunrise or late at night to watch the stars, to go get ice-cream when we felt like it, to watch movies in your bedroom with the lights down low—to just bask in each other’s presence. we made even more memories, granted that we had plenty to go around. those last weeks with you were the best of my life, even if it felt like nothing was changing, even if it was our normal routine before the shift. even so it still made me fall deeper as i saw your true colors in an even brighter light as if i never truly saw you before. there was so much about you that just made me curious even if i knew every part of you, every aspect of your being, from the simple things like your favorite color to your hatred for pineapple on pizza, and to the deep things like your fear of being forgotten or not being good enough. even if i knew so much, there was still more to unravel and discover as you were so complex. there isn’t another person like you in the world. there can’t be since you are one of a kind. they may have your face or outward appearance, but they can’t have your fair heart or pure soul.

i shouldn’t have been dazed that these emotions i had for you would solely blossom beyond belief. i couldn’t protest either because i knew they would grow more fervent since it is so hard to control myself around you. i sound like a giddy schoolboy, but with you i can’t help but let everything run wild and free. i put my entire heart and being out onto a silver platter just for you and i knew you would only ever take good care of it. after all if anything they would be yours to either tear or mend.

so when that dreadful day arrived i wasn’t ready for the whirlwind of storm to be released and let loose. you were leaving and wouldn’t come back.

i had been in the car with you that day as well as with your parents since they were flying over with you in order to help you maneuver around a new territory and get you settled in before the start of your semester. i couldn’t bear to say goodbye to you before so i tagged along. we all strolled up to the gate and your parents passed through, leaving you with me so we could have some privacy to say everything we needed to say. albeit there weren't enough words in the world to tell you how i felt at that stage, enough words for the both of us. therefore, we let our actions speak louder. you latched onto me, putting your arms around my neck and hugged me so closed till i was sure there was no room between our bodies in that suffocating airport.

you know you told me a hundred times, maybe even a thousand times during those last weeks before you left, how much you loved me. how much i meant to you and how much you cared for me. i don’t even think the amount of times i heard that from other people could compare to how many times you said it. while they may have meant it, i know you truly did and that was the deepest sorrow to know, which broke me a little further. regardless, i did tell you them right back, how could i not when it was you? i told you those three words and eight letters every time in response, twenty-four hours and seven days a week, but when you said them there, in the midst of the crowd in the airport, it felt different. it felt more meaningful, like there was an underlying tone i couldn’t decipher and it broke me the furthest i could go.

tears came from me and you, flowing between our clashed bodies. they made their way down your face and stained my own, out of jubilation and utter devastation. when you said it in between your sobs, repeating the words like a mantra against my neck and pulled me in even closer, i told you those words back. i whispered them against your temple, kissing the side of your head every time i repeated them and i meant them with all my heart because i truly did love you, so much, just in a way you didn’t love me, and never could.

i was sure i couldn’t recover from your departure once i saw you walk through those gates and let go of me. i wondered if i could ever hold you back again like i did at that moment. it felt like a part of me was being left behind. we were two halves of a whole and with you going, there would always be a missing puzzle piece. a piece of me would always be incomplete and i didn’t know how to feel, nor do i now. there is a hole in my chest of where you belong and i think there always will be until we connect in person again.

looking back i still smile at that memory—at all our recollections together. the woeful ones and the euphoric ones because they help me burden the pain, the heartbreak at your withdrawal from my life. it may sound dramatic considering we are still part of each other’s lives, just not in the way we were before. for distance separates us and threatens to split us apart.

you may think it doesn’t, but we both know the actuality. distance is the cause of these things—friendships, relationships, and love breaking beyond a point that is impossible to fix. where all those things are left in the dust and are fragments of what once was. now distance endangers our own foundations, our own very little things, so it’s illogical not to think about how it might destroy us. i never was a pessimistic person, but now being miles away from you, it’s hard not to think this way. i try to block it out. i try so hard, but sometimes i can’t help but allow negativity to take over, for without you here to shed light, the darkness swallows me whole.

i already know how you look reading this letter, in fact i knew from the very start what it would result in. i knew your emotions would get the best of you as they overwhelm you and you can’t hold them in like you desire to. maybe it happened from the very start or maybe it started now, but i want you to stop the tears that are already cascading down your face. don’t cry reading this. this piece of paper is not worth your tears, even if you think the opposite way and maybe those words i just wrote don’t mean anything because you are already sobbing, but stop them before they consume you. i am not worthy of those tears nor is it my intention to ever make you weep.

you know you always said you couldn’t cry, your body wouldn’t let you wail even if you begged it to. you told me that the day your grandmother died and you came over to me after the funeral. you told me no matter how glum you were and how much pain you felt, you couldn’t mourn for your grandmother. that you pushed your body to release tears but it wouldn’t so you looked unmoving and without emotion during the service. while that may have been the truth just that once, i knew well enough that was a lie. you were numb to feeling since you lost someone, but you body did want to grieve since you were just holding yourself back from looking weak. nonetheless you never are so-called frail because you are the toughest person i know and tears don’t dictate that strength regardless.

so in the deepest part of your room, at the latest times of the night when you thought no one was looking or knew, you cried your heart out. you whimpered too often and i was able to tell even if i never voiced it, but somehow you knew that i knew and you were okay with it. you were okay with letting me know you were and are human. so every time when you would cry i told you that you were too beautiful for it, in order to give you a piece of how i saw you in my head. to allow you to understand it was okay and normal above all. even now, though i can’t see your tear stricken face, you are stunning. so don’t bawl, but rather smile for me.

good.

your smile was always one of my favorite characteristics of yours. the most blinding beam that could light up a room and make anyone forget their worries.

you know even if it may seem gloomy, blame the mood in which this letter took a turn, i still am grateful we keep in contact even if you are so many miles away, because that’s the only thing i ever wanted, to keep in touch with you—to remain best friends. a factor that we still are…(for now).

so yes, it may be six months since i last saw you face-to-face, six months since you left, six months since we managed to stay in contact, but i can just feel you slipping away, becoming someone without me by your side through it all. yes, i know you and i are still who we are since those months ago, since sophomore year, but it’s just something that i can’t help but feel.

in fact i already sense it, it is near, but yet far. you know how i know? when we were on call the other day. it was last wednesday i believe and we were chatting about how our day went, the usual things in our routine, that is until you casually mentioned someone asked you out on a date last week. the mere fact that you didn’t tell me the day of or the day after it happened hurt more than your following words, albeit they equally packed a punch. you told me it was that one boy from your history of psychology class, the boy you did countless assignments with before, the boy you befriended nearly the first day your classes started. the boy i felt would take my spot from your life, if not as your lover, then as your best friend. i forgot his name, but i recollect you said he had that incorrupt look on his face that you perceived him to be pure the first day you laid eyes on him, although after learning more about him, he was far from being innocent. you told me in explicit detail what he looked like and the personality he had. i recall bits and pieces, even if i desperately tried to forget. delicate hands, an artistic gift, a slightly short stature, a cute grin, and a savage attitude to contradict the façade. exactly like you, exactly like the day i met you with your sharp tongue and doe eyes in the library, the complete opposite of each other. while i know i reach far in many regards calling him a soon to be lover or best friend, he still has potential even if he may not have any of those labels. i know he might not be the one—the one you’ll end up marrying in a few years down the road when you have a doctor’s degree in one hand and a ring on the other, but he might as well be. he might as well be that man because the future is unimaginable to foretell, but he can still be that shell of someone you want, he can still fill the void until the time comes. so yes, he very much will have your heart for a while, if you deem him worthy enough, if you pursue him the way he wants to pursue you. the way you were talking about him with your tone and the smile i could hear it in your voice gave it away. i knew something was there and you would give it a shot. he might be one of many before you find the ideal one over the years and he very well might be the one, but even if he was not, he would be your first in more ways than i was. he’ll be someone i wish i could have been. someone i wish would allow me to shoot my shot, but i didn’t since with all my talk i still, deep down, was a coward.

you can’t say i am wrong anyways since sometime, someday, some when it will happen. however, what still remains, in this bit, right now, as you read, is that we are still y/n and mark. mark and y/n. we are still us, but why does it feel like we aren’t at the same time?

it’s a deep question i must admit, it is what keeps me up some nights as i search for the answer and ponder for the meaning. i still don’t know the full answer, but i know enough. we are growing up. we are growing up y/n. we aren’t 15 anymore. we aren’t those sophomore kids that had no idea what the real world had in store and were gullible in every way, shape, and form. we simply aren’t high schoolers who only cared about our grades or appearance or the plans we had after school. we aren’t those kids. we are slowly becoming adults. we are slowing steering away from our teenage years and in that comes this question of self-identity.

who are we?

that is what we are trying to look for. we are finding who we are through everything we do—through our daily lives. we are finding ourselves…without the other. we have been so close for so long and grew into that space in an unhealthy amount of time. we grew accustomed to each other’s presence so now it is almost unbearable being apart for so long. we became so attached we don’t know what to do with ourselves and it’s the cold hard reality. it’s the truth that we don’t know ourselves individually, only together and that’s why it hurts more than ever that we have to be led astray, sometime soon. to know that soon enough that time will come. to know that yes, we still contact each other every day, we still have our weekly face times or calls and what you deem our “online friend dates” during the weekends, but as often as they are, they will change. we will no longer have the time to do that as college gets crazier for both of us, as we become more involved in a college life full of parties, friends, clubs, and whatever else it may be as we move out of being freshmen and get closer to our real life careers. you and i will know when that happens as our calls will become less frequent, our check-ins almost nonexistent with the other being left in the dust for days to weeks to months on end. we merely won’t be in contact anymore and i am sorry when that comes, my love. we’ll forget each other, its expected especially as we grow older, as we date, as we find love, as we befriend new people, as we move in the direction we are meant to be going and with that the worst part follows because i know sooner or later we will have to let each other go, if we don’t neglect. we can’t hold each other back and we will dwindle to a memory of what once was, of a simpler time before. i will be the forgotten one, the one in the background of your most prominent memories, someone you can’t help but look back on.

although we aren’t there yet, but we will be.

soon.

even if at this point you hate how many times i have written that word and so do i, but don’t you dare take the high road since we all know at some point all marvelous friendships die for an unexplainable reason or reasons. ours would just have to be because of life. that’s what makes life well...life. it is all part of the journey, the road to an unforeseeable future, but there can still be hope, it doesn’t just diminish like a candle flame put out by a gust of wind. no, hope still exists, you just have to grasp it when it comes around.

if. i always hated the word if, but if it’s meant to be then we will find each other, we will come around full circle at some point. have hope for both of us when i have none.

still, when you get this, it may be too late. maybe you will have unremembered about me in the seconds of time in between the unwavering silence. only then would we have both moved on, since there is no point in reaching out for something that isn’t worth saving when it all faded away before. only then will i be just a memory and reading this will spark those thought of i knew him once before during a ephemeral moment in my life when i was a teen in high school rather than a college student, but i know i am not late.

it is one thing i am sure of.

until then, until that foreboding time arrives i’ll hold dear what we have. i will try to preserve this friendship for both of our sakes until it’s time to say goodbye or more accurately a see you later if you want to be hopeful.

whenever that may be.

i know you hate goodbyes more than anything, the word itself rattles in your bones. so y/n, see you soon, in person—someday if it’s what’s right.

it has to be right doesn’t it?

fate has to be on our side because it knows us, it knows that there isn’t me without you and there isn’t you without me. when that time arrives of us seeing each other or withering away like every flower does at the end of its life, i hope, i pray that you won’t forget me as i most certainly won’t forget you.

so just call to mind in everything you do, in everything you say, dwell on the time before college—of a time when you were a child, someone lost, someone finding themselves and in it all remember there was someone who loved you before. someone who loved you at your worst as well as at your best, before you became who you were truly meant to be, and he loved you with all his heart.

he promises he always will.

that he is me.

i love you, y/n l/n. always and forever.

never forget it.

yours truly,

mark lee  

on march 16th, 20XX at approximately 8:02pm mark lee sealed his letter to y/n and put it in his coat pocket. on march 17th, 20XX at approximately 10:32am mark lee made his way to the postal office to drop off his letter and at 10:36am the letter dropped into the box on its way to the united states. on march 20th at approximately 11:42am mark lee’s letter arrived at the massachuesetts postal office and was separated upon arrival to be delivered sometime within the week. on march 22nd at 2:07pm, mark lee’s letter arrived at y/n’s apartment complex and was dropped in the inboxes of the residents. on march 24th at approximately 7:02am y/n went to pick up the mail, but what wasn’t in the pile was the letter from mark lee. sometime between when the letter arrived in the states to the mailman driving to the complex, his letter had gotten lost. the truck’s windows were open and mark lee’s letter was at the top of the pile when the truck was parked. an unsettling breeze was felt against the mailman’s face as he gripped the entire pile of mail, though mere seconds before the letter was picked up by the wind and whooshed onto the ground several feet away. the mailman did not take note and continued on, not noticing something was missing. y/n never received mark lee’s letter and neither of them would have known how things would have ended up differently if she had. for from that point on they would be a fading memory to each other and their friendship would wane away. y/n would begin to forget the calls with mark. mark would no longer reach out after months of silence from both parties. y/n would date the boy she told mark about, his name was huang renjun and they would fall in love, but mark would never know his name or know what came to be. they would become strangers and not best friends. lost to the tragic distance that separated them across the sea. if only y/n received the letter. if only mark lee confessed. if only he had know y/n felt the same. if only their friendship hadn’t evanescenced into nonexistence…like all unrequited love stories do.

[corinnesamuels]

Guarding the Gates, Chapter 8: A Fine Gentleman with Questionable Taste in Friends

James has been dreading this moment since he was discharged from St. Mungo’s.

But if he’s honest with himself, he knows that he’s been dreading this for a lot longer—months, maybe even a year before. It’s why he’s never gone through with it. It had been easier to let things continue than deal with the awkwardness and potential drama of a breakup.

That reluctance and hesitation had come at a cost, though, hadn’t it? There was nothing to be done about it now.

James lets this sentiment steel him as he knocks on the door of Miranda’s flat. Their last conversation had been less than pleasant, and he’s prepared for a similar response when she opens the door. But he’s thrown for a loop when she answers with a broad smile, as if seeing him had made her entire day.

“James! Why didn’t you tell me you were getting out of the hospital today? I would have come and picked you up.” Miranda hugs him and kisses him softly on the lips before stepping back to let him inside.

James is stunned. While he hadn’t expected her to be happy to see him, he definitely hadn’t been prepared for her to greet him as if their last conversation didn’t happen. Surely, she hadn’t forgotten—

Oh. He thinks to himself as he registers what’s going on.

It isn’t that Miranda has forgotten their tiff in St. Mungo’s. She’s employing their usual method of working through problems: avoidance.

“Aren’t you going to come in?” Miranda asks. He sighs to himself at her overly casual tone.

That’s exactly what this is.

“Right, sorry.” James says as he walks in. His eyes travel across her flat, immaculately decorated and tidy, as always. A picture of the two of them sat on the mantle. He supposes that they were at some Puddlemere or Ministry-do because of the dress robes they wore. As James watches the two of them pose and smile in the frame, he sees the photographic version of himself pull her in but notices that he doesn’t hold her there. Their doppelgangers don’t laugh or share an inside joke, they don’t gaze deeply into each other’s eyes adoringly, but they do smile at each other, looking happy enough.

That thought, “happy enough,” unsettles him.

“I don’t have much by way of dinner, but it’s a bit early for that anyway. I suppose we could pop into that place near King’s Cross that we’ve been meaning to try.” Miranda says as she walks over to the loveseat and sits, waiting for him to join her.

James takes a deep breath. “I didn’t come for dinner, Miranda.” he says. “We can’t pretend like our last conversation didn’t happen.”

Miranda freezes for a moment before shaking her head with a small laugh. “Oh, that? I’m not worried about that. I know you were probably still in shock from your injuries and the mayhem that had happened that night.” She waves her hand dismissively, but James sees her demeanor falter.

“Miranda, we can’t keep doing this.” He says softly.

“Doing what, James?” she says through gritted teeth.

“We can’t keep pretending like things are okay or that things are working.” He says, sitting down in one of the armchairs across from her. She looks bothered that he doesn’t join her on the sofa, but he knows they need some distance for this conversation. “I know that you see it, Miranda.”

“See what? That you’re throwing away everything that we’ve built?” she asks angrily, crossing her arms and looking away from him.

“What have we built?” He asks. It isn’t forceful or unkind. Just a simple question to which he knows—they know—there is little response.

Miranda sighs heavily but only shakes her head. She still won’t look at him. They sit in silence for a while, and James alternates between watching her and the photograph on the mantle. He almost laughs as he realizes that even in photograph form, the two can only go through the motions. How had he not realized that this wouldn’t have worked?

“Is it her?” Miranda asks finally.

“Miranda—”

“Is. It. Her.” She repeats, forcefully punctuating each word.

“No. This is wholly and totally you and I.” He says, relieved that it’s the truth. This could be so much more complicated if it weren’t. “Things weren’t working before Lily even came back into town. You know this.”

“Yes, well, I thought things were getting better. It seems I was mistaken.” She says crossly.

“Did you think they were getting better, or did you think we had just gotten better at going through the motions?”

Miranda doesn’t respond to this question either.

“Somehow, we’ve been together almost two years, but we barely know each other.” He says. “We’ve learned more about each other in our arguments in these last few months than we ever knew before. Did you know that I had no idea that you and the boys never really got on?”

“Do I need to be chummy with your mates in order to be with you?”

“Yes.” James doesn’t hesitate. “With other blokes, maybe not. But with me, I’d follow them into war. And you aren’t the type to be okay with that.”

“Oh, so you do know me now?” Miranda says, looking away from him again.

James lets out a dry laugh and smirks despite the situation. “That’s one of the things I learned recently.” He pauses and studies her for a moment. James knows that this conversation will be difficult enough without it going south. But he also knows that he owes it to her to consider her feelings in this space. Just because they aren’t compatible doesn’t mean that they need to be harsh with each other in the conversation.

“The reality is that you deserve to be with someone who wants the things you want, Miranda.” James says. “Someone who you have a real connection with, whose priorities are in line with your own. And it’s been abundantly clear for a while now that I’m not that person. We just aren’t that person for each other.”

Miranda runs a hand over her mouth and shakes her head before clasping her hands together tightly in her lap. “We were happy once, weren’t we?” She asks softly, almost imploringly.

“Happy enough, I think.” The phrase has left his lips before he remembers the discomfort it had given him earlier.

Miranda laughs this time, though there’s no mirth in it. “‘Happy enough’ isn’t the same as ‘happy’ though, is it?”

James realizes that this is the crux of the issue. “No, I don’t suppose that it is.” He says. “Do you disagree?”

“Do I disagree with what ‘happy enough’ means, or do I disagree with the idea that ‘happy enough’ is all we were?” she asks.

“Both.” James shrugs.

“No. I don’t disagree.” The façade Miranda maintained during the early part of their conversation has all but fallen away. James notes that this is probably the most honest that they’ve ever been with each other. She begins to grow restless now and stands up to pace the room as an outlet for her nervous energy.

“My parents aren’t discrete about their concerns with me being unmarried at my age.” She says. “They’d assumed that I’d leave Hogwarts engaged and would be a happy housewife by now. When you and I began dating, it got them off of my back. I went through the motions because it was easier than feeling like an old maid.”

“Miranda, you’re not old.” James says disbelievingly. “None of this stuff matters. It’s just old-fashioned nonsense.”

“To you.” She corrects him. “It’s nonsense to you, James. It feels quite real to me.”

James doesn’t know how to respond to that.

“I thought that if we stuck it out, things would be fine. My parents weren’t madly in love when they got together. It was a good match that grew over time.” She shrugs. “And then recently, I thought that if I convinced you not to be so outspoken about whatever is going on with You-Know-Who, that you’d make the time for us to finally settle down and be happy.” She looks at the photograph that had caught his attention earlier, brushing her fingers across it lightly.

“Happy enough.” James says, echoing their earlier conversation.

Miranda gives another mirthless laugh. “Happy enough.”

“We don’t even look at love the same way.” James says, mostly to himself. “This situation being what it is . . . This is on me. I can be honest and say that I didn’t give our relationship full effort until recently, and by then, it was too late. I never cheated on you, not with Lily or anyone else, but I wasn’t quite what you deserved either.”

“And I wasn’t quite what you needed.” She looks at him now, and he sees something in her eyes that he hadn’t seen in some time: understanding. “So, what now?” she asks. “Am I supposed to do the cliché thing and cry and beg you to stay? Say that I can’t breathe without you? Tell you that I’ll pretend to like your mates more than I do?”

“Merlin, no.” James laughs outright this time. “No. I think what we do now is acknowledge that this is the right thing to do, and then I’ll leave. And you’ll find some bloke who will really make you happy. Someone who will go to the fancy events, live a quiet life with you, and be a better partner to you than I could ever be.”

“Let’s hope so.” She replies with a weak smile.

James notes that she looks disappointed, but she doesn’t look at all sad. He takes this as confirmation as he stands and pulls her into one last hug, kissing her lightly on the forehead when she finally returns it. “Goodbye, Miranda.” He says as he grabs his cloak and walks toward the door.

“James.” She calls to him when his hand reaches the doorknob. He turns to look at her, hoping she doesn’t try to talk him into staying. “You may not be leaving me for her, but I know you’re still in love with her. I knew the moment you added her name to your Puddlemere ticket list.”

James doesn’t know what to do with that statement, so he gives her one last nod and half a smile before walking out the door. She was wrong, of course. But correcting her wouldn’t have made the conversation any better. Not when the truth was that he had never taken Lily off of his ticket list in the first place.

Subconsciously, he always hoped Lily would come back, even when he stopped believing that she actually would. Peter had teased him lightly for it, but he wasn’t bothered. If that meant that he was in love with Lily, James didn’t know.

He is pondering over what this might mean when he makes it back to the manor. He waves hello to his father, who is half asleep in his armchair, and walks up the stairs to his room. The exhaustion of the day hits him all at once as he closes the door, causing him to lean his back against it and close his eyes to catch his breath. A flash of fire catches his attention when he opens them.

A red phoenix feather is suspended in the air in the middle of his bedroom, half enflamed, with a note hanging from the bottom.

Read the rest at ao3!

Start from the beginning.

[illfoandillfie]

5 Simple Rules For A Successful Fake Relationship: Just Go With It

5 SIMPLE RULES MASTERLIST

Pairing: Ben Hardy x Reader

Summery: Ben's confession left you stunned but how will it effect your overseas trip to promote the movie? Especially when you have to share hotel rooms with him. And will you let him talk you into meeting the one other person who knows the whole truth of your situation?

Warnings: Same old same old, bit of angst, sexual references but nothing explicit (yet), mentions of smoking

Words: 8908

A/N: This chapter was originally going to have another bit at the end but, once again, I prove how bad I am at estimating word count lmao. Anyway, that just means an extra chapter.

Taglist:  @laedymoon  @dtfrogertaylor  @vee-ndetta @atomic-watermelon @kellypenac @labessieisallama @deakyclicks @jennyggggrrr @drowseoftaylor  @hannafuckingsucks  @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming @queenmylovely @supersonicfreddie @tenement-funstah @taron-egrotten​ @johndeaconshands @borhapbois 

@coni-martina​ @hardforbenhardy​ @cubedtriangle​ @vicouscirce​ @arianabrashierstuff​ @pattieboydwannabe​ @maggieroseevans​ @theprettyandthereckless​ 

It felt like hours before you could move though the clock on your phone insisted it was only minutes. Ben was right, you couldn’t leave. But you also weren’t sure you should stay. So you dithered on the spot. The notion of sneaking out the back, though people’s yards until you were clear of the paparazzi’s notice popped into your head, but it wasn’t really an option. For one thing your dress was not made for sneaking, not that you could have pulled it off even in a full cat-burglar costume. You took a step towards the doorway but there was nowhere for you to go so you moved back to the couch and sat, perched on the edge. Right where Ben had been moments before. The seat was still warm. You stood up again. Doing nothing was worse than trying to decide what to do, so you began pacing. One end of the room to the other, trying to clear your mind enough to come up with a plan but not enough to think about what Ben had said. You lost yourself in the rhythm of your movement, the soft pad of your bare feet on the wooden floor, the slide as you turned on the ball of your foot and then the steps again. “Y/N,” Ben’s voice startled you to a standstill, the sudden lack of footsteps louder than the pacing had been itself. You turned to face him slowly. He looked smaller than normal. There was a spot on his lip that had clearly been bleeding, torn as he worried it with his teeth. His brow was creased, his mouth turned down. Still in the same clothes, though they were ruffled, probably partly your fault. “Hi,” it was all you could think to say. “I heard you pacing.” “Sorry, I’ll keep the noise down.” “No, that’s not- it’s okay. I just thought, since we’re both clearly awake and since they,” he gestured vaguely towards the front door, “haven’t left yet, I thought you might like a cuppa.” “I didn’t think you drank tea,” “I don’t really, but you do.” You nodded and follow him toward the kitchen, though there was still the urge to run. Ben busied himself pulling out mugs and sugar and milk, boiling the kettle, as you took a seat at the counter. He didn’t say anything more until he was standing on the opposite side of the bench, your mugs between you. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.” “I get why you wouldn’t have wanted to. I wouldn’t have wanted to either.” “Yeah but still,” he took a breath and stared into his mug like there was some sort of answer hidden in it, “I know you’re thinking of leaving as soon as that lot have cleared out but please don’t. I promise I understand where you’re at and I’m not going to try and convince you or to chase you or anything like that. I really am trying not to feel this way.” He looked so worried and sad that before you could second guess yourself you reached across the bench and lay your hand over his, “It’s okay Ben, I know you wouldn’t. I just wasn’t expecting you to drop the L bomb.” “Please don’t hate me,” his voice was heartbreakingly soft and his eyes were pleading, shimmering with near tears, and if you hated anything it was that he could think such a thing. “I could never.” You knew exactly what you’d do, how you’d comfort him, if this was about anyone but you. But it was about you and you weren’t sure if it would be overstepping or making things worse to do it, “Can I hug you?” As soon as you saw him nod you were off your chair, around to his side of the bench, wrapping him up in your arms. His shoulders shook and you felt the damp of tears against your neck, but you didn’t mind, you just hugged him tighter.

You had to tell him to shut up after he’d let you go and immediately begun apologising for it. He smiled a small half-smile and nodded, letting out a slightly shaky breath. “We should get some sleep.” “Probably,” he sighed, “Does that mean you’re staying?” “If you don’t mind.” “Of course not,” Truthfully you felt too exhausted to think about going anywhere. You wished Ben goodnight and headed towards his spare room, that had really become your room, as he was filling a glass with water. With a start you remembered the flowers he’d given you and backtracked towards the front door to get them. They weren’t in great shape, slightly wilted, some stems bent more than they had been when they’d been given to you. All the same you picked them up, carried them back to the kitchen. Ben had gone but there was a tall glass jar on the drying rack that he must have been intending to recycle which made a fine enough vase. You carried them carefully back to your room and placed them on the bedside table before you changed and turned out the light.

The next morning neither of you brought up what happened. He was already awake and cleaning up after his breakfast when you got up and stumbled into the kitchen. You paused in the doorway, but he turned and gave you a single nod and asked if you wanted a coffee. There was an unspoken agreement to pretend that everything after you got out of the car at his place hadn’t happened. You were both tired and drained, but it was easier to write it off as a small hangover than admit to what had actually kept you up late. And, though there were a few slightly awkward moments, slip of the tongue phrases and hesitant touches that might have led somewhere if you let them, it wasn’t hard to fall back into your regular routines as if nothing had changed. The next month passed more or less incident free. You saw Ben as much as you ever had but it was never under the instruction of your agents, just spur of the moment trips to cafes or casual visits to each other’s places while neither of you was working. The tabloids were all over you anyway, there was no need to organise special dates or anything like that. You just made sure to let them see small intimacies that they could read as romantic – fond looks across tables, hands resting close enough to touch. Generally, away from the cameras, you maintained a respectful distance, the only acknowledgement of what had happened that night. Occasionally you allowed yourselves to get closer, a warm hug when Ben found out he’d got the part in the action movie he’d auditioned for, him brushing hair off your face as you sat in the sun reading. Whenever it happened you were left with a tightness in your chest and the overwhelming urge to kiss him again. It confused you, the way just thinking about him made your heart beat faster, how you couldn’t stop thinking about what it had been like straddling his lap with his hands squeezing you under your skirt. If you’d put your symptoms into google it would have turned up pages of information about crushes and compatibility, but that couldn’t be right. You couldn’t actually fancy Ben. Yes, okay, maybe there was some attraction there, but he was an attractive guy and you weren’t blind. You’d known he was handsome since you first saw him at the audition for Edith but that didn’t mean you wanted to jump his bones. It didn’t mean there was any substance to the thoughts. It had to be the job playing tricks on you. Afterall, it had been months since you started pretending to date him, months without so much as considering another person. Your brain was suggestable at the best of times – the nights you’d spent thinking about sleeping with Ben were testament enough – but now, with the knowledge that he was in love with you and having gone so long without anyone else’s affections, it was no surprise you were getting confused. And then there were the rules. Behaviours you’d ruled out. You’d broken about half of them just in the one night. You really only had Rules 5 and 1 still intact. No families, no sex. And humans were infamous for wanting what they couldn’t have. You couldn’t have sex so that’s why you kept thinking about fucking Ben. It wasn’t that you actually wanted to fuck him. It was just the situation, a combination of weird circumstances making you, for want of a better word, yearn for him. If only you could talk about it with someone. You were sure if you just talked though it with someone other than your own idiot brain you’d be able to prove it was situational, for sure. But Ben was the only one you wanted to talk to about it and he was absolutely off limits. It would just get his hopes up, make it harder for him to move on and eventually crush him when you turned out to be right. So you kept a polite distance. 

The most interesting thing to happen all month was an in-person meeting with Ben, Peter and Mary to discuss the plans for the promotional tour. If either of them sensed anything was amiss between you, they didn’t mention it. Instead they spent the meeting raving about the success of the story and outlining what was to happen next. “Obviously, you’ll need to share hotel rooms.” “Is that really necessary?” Ben asked, glancing over at you. “Well you have to admit it would look odd if you didn’t, but I understand the concerns.” Peter said, though he’d have no way of knowing the full reason for Ben’s reluctance “You don’t have to worry though. The suites you’ll be in will have a secondary roll out bed that stores under the main one or, if that isn’t comfortable enough, there’ll be a couch as well.” “You’ll also be doing all your interviews together, aside from a couple of phone interviews that will be one on one and a few larger ones with the rest of the cast. The others will be either paired off or in a group for their part of the promotions. Except Claudia, who has a conflict in her schedule that means she won’t be able to join you in the US.” “So, it’ll start here with appearances on a few breakfast TV shows and then a day spent meeting journalists from magazines, newspapers and some entertainment blogs. Then you’ll head out to New York. We’ll email your flight details through to you, but it’ll be an early flight, first class naturally. You’ll have the day you land to yourselves to get settled but it also gives us extra time in case of delays with the flight. After that it’s back to business. Day one is another junket with various American publications and websites. You’ll have to take a few photos but mostly it’ll just be the interviews. The next couple of days are the same but it’ll all be recorded to post online. There’ll be more specific interviews that are a bit spaced out but I’ll get to them in a minute. After you’re done in New York then you have another flight to LA where the process will be pretty much the same. So, specifics. You’re booked to do a few radio interviews in both cities, as well as some more online content.” Peter checked his notes, “The puppy and thirst tweet interviews with Buzzfeed, the autocorrect interview with Wired and also something with Vanity Fair,” “Career timelines. One from each of you, filmed on the same day.” “Thank you, Mary, anything else?” “Vanity Fair also want a sit down interview with the both of you for their website. Plus we’ve got you onto James Cordon and Jimmy Fallon so you’ll have to record those episodes. And then, once you’re back home there’ll be a few more interviews for youtube channels and the like, and GQ are lined up to talk with Ben. It could be a cover; we’re waiting on confirmation. And I think…that covers it,” she snapped her notebook shut. “What sort of questions are going to come up?” you were curious how much of your romance was going to be off limits to the interviewers. “We don’t know specifics but you’re likely to be asked things like how this role was different to others you’ve done, um, what the director was like,” “No, I get that. I more meant questions about us.” Mary thought for a moment before she spoke, “There will of course be some questions relating to your relationship but nothing that any other couple wouldn’t want asked. It’ll be kept to respectful, non-intrusive questions about how you met and working with each other. If any questions are raised that you don’t want to or can’t answer you can always say you’d rather not talk about it.” “You’ve got nothing to worry about. The thing is, if we let anyone ask anything that would be considered too personal, everyone is going to work out that this isn’t real. So it’s in our interests and the studio’s interests, as much as yours, to keep everything above board. Sound good?” “Brilliant, thanks.” “Any other questions?” “Will we have much time off?” Ben asked, “I’ve got a couple of people I wouldn’t mind stopping in to see, if I get the chance.” “Of course. There’ll be some off time between interviews later on in the week and you’ll have most nights free. We’d like for you to go on at least one sit down dinner date, just the usual sort of thing, you know the drill. But other than that you’re free to spend the time that you’re not doing publicity however you want.”

The breakfast shows suited Ben more than they did you. He’d always been an early riser. Though even he admitted having to be up by five in the morning more than once in the week was not what he’d have chosen. But they were a good way to ease into the press tour. They never lasted long, and the questions were always easy and always the same. It was an early indication of which questions you’d receive again and again, the ones you were bound to grow board of. “So, can you give us a quick rundown of what this movie’s about?” “Well we play Andy and Edith who have just gotten engaged and, at the party, decide that, since they’re so good at the whole relationship thing, they should play matchmaker with their friends.” “The only problem is the friends don’t necessarily want to play along and it causes some problems for us.” The plot rundown was always followed by a short introduction to your characters. Then there was always a question aimed at Ben about how different Andy was to previous rolls he’d played. And then a question for you about what attracted you to the role. If you were lucky you’d get a few about the process of filming but more often than not they seemed to be running out of time and skipped straight to the last questions which always revolved around what it had been like to work with each other and how your relationship transfer to real life. The first time you had to answer it was a little awkward. You stuttered over your words and Ben wasn’t much better, but you got through it and by the time you were asked again you had your answers sorted. As predicted, you were able to pull those same answers out during the first junket day. Occasionally you’d get something different. One of the entertainment magazines did a quickfire quiz with all their interviewees which made a nice change, though you were sure your slow answers were because your brain had turned to mush during all the other repetitive moments. By halfway through the day you and Ben had begun playing games to keep yourselves entertained. You’d make bets for small change over dumb things like what the next interviewer would be wearing or how many times you could use the word romantic in a single interview. A few photos were taken, some just you and Ben, leaning against each other or gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes, some with the other cast members which were fun. They broke up an otherwise fairly monotonous day. But it was only the beginning of what would turn out to be a rather long few weeks.

Felicity dropped you to the airport the morning of your flight, fussing over you as if you were moving to the other side of the world rather than visiting. She gave you a tight squeeze in the drop off zone wishing you luck and promising to collect your mail and water your few houseplants in your absence. “Tell that boyfriend of yours to look after you. If anything happens to you it’s his dick on the chopping block.” “You’ve not even met the poor bloke,” you laughed, “he wont have any idea why a mad woman is coming after him.” “Well that’s on you for not introducing me.” “Good thing you’ve got nothing to worry about then.” “I know. He loves you too much to let anything happen to you,” You had to force yourself to keep smiling at the reminder, still dealing with your mixed-up brain and confused desires. Eventually you managed to extract yourself from Felicity, promising you’d text her as soon as you landed. With a final hug you turned and headed inside. Ben was waiting for you a little inside the door, where you’d agreed to meet, both of you falling into your roles easily for the sake of whoever was watching and taking photos. It wasn’t until you were at security that you could drop hands and breathe freely again. Together you headed to your gate, stopping for coffee along the way, and met up with the rest of the cast, as well as the publicists who were organising the trip, which let you subtly put some space between you and Ben. It was fun, or at least as fun as sitting around an airport could be, and when your flight was called you all got up in an excited babble, making sure everyone had the correct bag and ticket. “Now, no funny business you two,” Alfie said pointing a warning finger at you and Ben, “save it for the hotel room.” You rolled your eyes and Ben laughed, both of you assuring him there’d be nothing of the sort. “Maybe just don’t use the bathroom after them,” Amber suggested with a wink. “I think the bigger worry,” you said, “is that Ben’ll try and squeeze in a sneaky smoke. I’ve never seen him go a full twelve hours without one.” “Bullshit! She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

Your seat was beside Ben’s in the middle of the cabin and gave you plenty of space to spread out and get comfortable. A wall wrapped almost completely around the two seats to give you some privacy which was nice though you were sure you’d have to endure a few more jokes about what mischief you might be getting up to. But that was a train of thought you definitely did not need to be on. Especially when you literally couldn’t get away from Ben. You shook your head and looked around, waving at a couple of the others as they were led to their own closed off seats, but the image of what might happen were you actually dating Ben stuck. A flight attendant came around offering glasses of champagne as well as pyjamas, slippers and an amenity bag. You gladly accepted the drink, hoping it would help you relax more. “You’re not a nervous flyer, are you?” Ben asked quietly. “What? Oh, no, definitely not. Just…excited to get going.” “Good. I’m not either but I do get a little tense with the landings. So if I like, seem off towards the end of the flight that’s probably why.” “Thanks for the heads up,” you laughed, “if it helps I’ll let you squeeze my hand.” You instantly regretted the offer, inwardly cringing, but Ben was gracious enough to pretend he hadn’t heard it. Instead he opened his amenity bag and began examining the contents, pulling out a tube of shaving gel and giving it a sniff. Thankfully, the rest of the flight went smoothly. Ben was the perfect buddy for such a long flight. Calm and prepared, a host of potential time killers packed into his carry-on luggage. Shortly after take-off, he offered you a controller from his Nintendo Switch so you could play a few rounds of Super Smash Bros. It caught the attention of the others and you ended up sharing the controllers round in a tournament style battle for victory. A little later he pulled out a magazine of puzzles, inviting you to help him solve crossword clues and crack codes, your heads together as you leaned over each page and bickered about how to spell the answers. But he was also equally happy not talking, letting you do your own thing while he did his. It made you glad he was okay with just being friends. You did love him, just not in the way he meant, no matter what Felicity and your stupid subconscious said, and if you’d had to miss out on everything that came with being his friend because of this one thing, it would have made the whole situation ten times more distressing. It was rough enough as it was. When it came time to sleep Ben raised the privacy screen between your beds. You knew it was for the best and you wouldn’t have argued about it, but you couldn’t help the pang you felt, like you were being shut out. There had been a time when he would have offered to cuddle, even if it was said jokingly. But of course he wouldn’t now. You wished he would though. The discomfort of an unfamiliar bed with all the odd sounds and smells of an airplane made it hard to settle completely, but you wondered whether being able to cuddle Ben as you drifted off wouldn’t have helped. He was warm and familiar, and you associated him with your home as much as his. Perhaps that’s the sort of comfort you needed.

You landed around eight in the morning and were greeted by a couple of drivers which took you straight to the hotel. The excitement came back as you all compared suites, trying to work out who’d got the best one. Yours and Ben’s was the biggest, but only because there were two of you, and it ended up being designated the official party room. Not that you had the opportunity to party much. The first day was mostly spent unpacking and fighting the urge to go to sleep way too early. You and Ben took a walk, hand in hand just in case, to explore the area, making note of nearby bars and restaurants. You’d half been expecting to be swamped since the US was notorious for having particularly intrusive paparazzi but there ended up only being a couple following you, no more than you’d been dealing with back home. Ben made a joke about EastEnders not cracking the American market, but whatever the reason it wasn’t unwelcome. The others joined you, all yawning, for a dinner provided by room service and a quiet drink to toast the trip and the movie that had brought you all together. When they’d all cleared out, headed gratefully to their own beds, you and Ben flipped a coin for who’d get the bed on the first night with Ben winning out. It wasn’t too bad, the roll out bed. Not as soft as the main bed but with how exhausted you felt you didn’t really notice. After that it was down to business. The first few days were all pretty much the same. Wake up, earlier than you’d have liked, always beaten by Ben. Shower, get dressed, head downstairs to grab a coffee and watch Ben eat breakfast, listen to him offer you a bite of his toast and remind you of the importance of the meal, and then back up to your rooms were a black screen and a large print out of the movie poster had been set up behind some chairs. The games you’d began playing with Ben during the first lot of interviews in London continued because it was a quick and easy way to not lose your minds when you had to answer what drew you to the romantic comedy genre? for the hundredth time. A lot of the interviews blurred together but there were a few more memorable moments. One overenthusiastic woman entered the room and immediately began flirting with Ben. He smiled politely and shook her hand but you could see how uncomfortable he was and swung in to rescue him, introducing yourself to her. He whispered a quick thank you as you took your seats but she wasn’t completely distracted. “This movie. I’ve gotta say it has everything – I laughed, I teared up, the shirtless scenes,” she fanned her face and laughed, “Y/N, what’s it like working with this man. I mean, he’s gorgeous for a start.” You felt Ben tense up a little beside you but lay your hand on his reassuringly as you leaned forward and let out a giggle, “Obviously I agree. I wouldn’t have let him take me out on our first date if I didn’t. Plus he’s a total sweetheart, always knew how to keep moral up when we were shooting late and, professionally speaking, he’s one of the best people I’ve ever worked with. He always had really interesting ways to explore the characters and just made sure we had fun on set. Honestly, I can’t imagine having done this movie with anyone else.” “And I think you’re forgetting how gorgeous Y/N is,” Ben said, catching on, “I tell you, this woman looks stunning the second she gets out of bed. And she kept me on my toes for the whole shoot. She gives everything she does 110% and I think you’d have to agree that it shows in the final product.” “Aww, thanks babe,” “You’re welcome, cuddle bunny.” After the woman had left you bust out laughing about how uninformed she’d been about your relationship considering the look on her face. It helped you ignore how warm you suddenly felt. But she was the only uninformed one. Everyone else who came in had at least one question about what it was like to date the person you acted with. Did it make acting as a couple easier? (“A lot of the time, yeah. Although those scenes where we were fighting were a bit tough. I hate seeing her upset.”) Not to spoil anything but there’s one seen where Ben’s character Andy hooks up with someone else, was that hard to watch? (“I mean, we’re actors. We’ve both been doing this for a while and y’know sometimes you have to kiss someone at work. It’s kinda odd but it’s also pretty normal for us and we both understand how it works.”) Normally we end our interviews with a silly question about who your celebrity crushes are… (“I think you could probably work our answers out,”). Thankfully because there were so many to get through they moved quite quickly. You’d be out for lunch before you knew it and then it’d be time for a few more, often with the larger group or sometimes on your own. After the last journalist had left you’d go out for dinner with everyone else and maybe follow it with a drink at a nearby bar if you weren’t too worn out, and then I was back to your rooms to relax and sleep until your alarm woke you the next day to repeat it all over again.

It was a relief when the junkets ended, and you got to break the monotony of it all to record some slightly more interesting interviews. Ben was very little help during the Buzzfeed puppy interview – way too distracted by the balls of fluff climbing over his lap and attempting to lick his face to form a coherent answer to any of the questions. It was a cute sight though, the way his eyes lit up as soon as he met the dogs and how much he was laughing as he rolled on the ground with them. You were on the verge of suggesting you should get a dog when you remembered you weren’t actually living together, trying to clear the image of you and Ben snuggled up on a couch with a napping puppy across his lap. It was a little disconcerting how easily the fantasy had appeared, and it left you feeling out of sorts. If you’d hoped the next segment they had you record would distract you, you were quickly proven wrong. The thirst tweets were fun to read, mostly because you enjoyed making Ben blush so fiercely in payback for not answering anything during the puppy interview, but they could hardly be called a distraction. If anything, they just made you think about what else you could get up to, without the puppy. “Ben’s lips look like they were made to kiss…and not just on the mouth. Oh, um, well he is a very good kisser. Very very good. And, that’s all I’m gonna say.” You gave the camera a sly wink, already able to imagine how happy your agents would be and hoping Ben wouldn’t hold it against you. You glanced at him to check and found him covering the flush on his cheeks with his palms. He dropped his hands and looked straight at the camera, “God I hope my mum’s not watching. Sorry mum.” When you go back to the hotel you wished you had a separate room. The Buzzfeed videos, though short, took most of the day. You had to wait while the puppies were wrangled together and taken away, and then there were all the pauses to set up cameras and check mics were working. Plus you ended up filming a Q&A video about the movie as well. But not once did you stop thinking about Ben and what it might be like to actually date him. By the time you got back to the hotel all you wanted was to be alone for a little to try and sort out what you were feeling and maybe get yourself off. But it wasn’t to be. The others returned shortly after you did and bounced into your room to hang out. You had a few minutes after they went off to freshen up before dinner and Ben jumped in the shower but it wasn’t enough time and it took all of your energy to not think about joining him.

The next day was quieter with just two interviews booked, both with radio stations. You got to sleep a little longer and had a long break between commitments. Ben suggested you use the time to go on the “date” your agents wanted. You posted to your Instagram stories to make it look more legitimate, a selfie of you both on the street and then a shot of your drinks with Ben visible in the background “So I’m going to visit Joe tonight,” Ben said, glancing at you over his plate. “That’ll be good. How long since you last saw him?” “In person? Uhh, seven months I think, maybe a bit longer. But, um, you’re invited if you want.” “Me? Why?” Ben shrugged, “He wants to meet you.” “This is the same Joe that’s been leaving comments on your photos of us as if he’s jealous?” “That’s the one,” Ben chuckled. “The same Joe I heard you talking to?” “Mmhmm,” “And he was the one who suggested I come?” “Yeah.” The idea made you feel a little apprehensive, “Should I be worried?” Ben smiled to himself, “Do you want to come or not?” “Well I don’t want to intrude.” “You wouldn’t be, I swear. We’d just be having a quiet night at his anyway. He’s gonna make dinner or we’ll order something in and we’ll probably have a drink or two but like nothing outrageous. And it’s not a catch up visit because we talk all the time and he already knows everything I’m up to. It’s just a hang out, and probably the first of a few while I’m over here.” “You’re sure I wouldn’t be stepping on any toes?” “Positive. It was his idea so it’s not like you’ll be crashing.” That wasn’t hugely reassuring, but you said yes anyway, kind of curious yourself as to what he might have to say to you. Maybe he’d have something comforting to say about the whole situation with Ben.

That evening’s plans were on your mind for the rest of the day, though you shoved it aside to get through the final radio interview. Thankfully, the two hosts were funny and asked some questions that you hadn’t answered a thousand times already. “So, we’ve heard actors like to keep props from movies they work on as, like, souvenirs. Did either of you get to keep anything from The Perfect Match?” “I did,” you said, “Um, I kept Edith’s engagement ring.” “Really? You never told me that,” Ben said, clearly surprised. “Well I…shit I might be dropping myself in it here. I kinda didn’t tell anyone I took it,” Ben let out a bark of laughter. “It wasn’t a real engagement ring,” you hastened to add for the benefit of the audience, “just plastic but I got so used to wearing it and I wore it home on the last day of filming without thinking and I just…never took it back. If any of the crew are listening and have been wondering where it went, I’m sorry.” Ben was still laughing, “I can’t believe you stole the ring.” “What did you take then?” “Nothing,” he said with a shake of his head, “I’m not a thief like you apparently. And I didn’t think to ask for anything.” “Well, what would you have taken if you could?” one of the hosts asked. Ben thought for a moment, “Is it inappropriate for me to say the body pillow?” It was your turn to burst into laughter, “depends which version.” “Sorry, body pillow?” Both of the hosts looked at each other excitedly and then back to Ben. “Uhh, okay, so, no spoilers but there’s this one scene,” Ben started, “Andy’s a bit down because Edith isn’t there so his friends try to cheer him up by ordering a body pillow with Edith’s image on it.” “Yeah, but there were two versions made. The one that’s in the movie and one that was deemed, umm, a little too racy for the rating we wanted.” You could feel your face getting hot but it was partly the struggle not to laugh too much as you turned back to Ben, “So, which would you have asked for?” Ben shrugged, “Doesn’t really matter since I got the real thing.” The interviewers laughed at that, “Very smooth Mr Hardy,” “Clever answer.” You laughed and let them move you onto other questions but the thought stuck with you. Had he meant it? Or was it all for show?

Afterwards you returned to the hotel to kill time before you had to be at Joe’s place. Your mind was still racing with thoughts of what had happened during the radio interview and what might happen that night. Thoughts that were not helped by how worked up you were after days of pent up frustration.   “Did you really take the engagement ring?” Ben asked, knocking you out of your reverie as he sat beside you on the couch. “Yeah, it’s sitting in my jewellery box at home. “Huh,” “What?” “Nothing, just uh, kind of funny that I drew it on your mug and you stole the real thing.” “Yeah, I hadn’t thought of that but yeah, it is a bit funny.” “That thing about the body pillow was a joke, by the way. I wouldn’t have actually asked for it,” “I figured. But um,” He was sitting so close his thigh was pressed up against you, “Yeah?” You shouldn’t say it. It was just because you were horny and he was available and into you and you really shouldn’t say it, “Well, maybe I wouldn’t mind so much if you’d kept it.” You licked your lips, noticing the way his eyes focused on the movement and didn’t shift away. “You wouldn’t?” “Maybe.” “Maybe it wasn’t so much a joke,” He was so close you could feel his breath on your face, and you had the desire to lean in and close the distance. You were half a second away from doing just that when Ben shook his head. “Fuck.” He leaned back, paused for a second, and then stood up, “We’ve gotta get ready to go to Joe’s.”

When you arrived at Joe’s place he greeted you wearing an old, navy blue apron over a t-shirt and jeans. “Benny boy!” he half yelled, throwing himself at the laughing blonde. “Hey Joe, this is, alright get off me, Jesus. This is Y/N,” “Hi, Y/N,” he said, still grinning as he held out his hand, “Lovely to finally meet you.” “Likewise,” you said with a smile, noting the way he glanced at Ben. He led you into the house saying something about checking the dinner and told you to make yourselves comfortable. Ben had no problem with that, heading straight for the fridge and grabbing out three bottles of beer. “Y’know you’re mean to eat this pasta with red wine, you uncultured swine,” but Joe accepted his bottle anyway. You took the one Ben offered you, mostly just to give you something to keep your hands busy as you took in the pale walls and clutter covering the benchtop – a mix of vegetable scraps and used dishes. Joe was instantly likeable, putting to rest any worries you’d had about meeting the one person in the world who knew the whole truth of your situation. You’d assumed Ben would have called him after you’d made out, and by the way he kept a close eye on your interactions with Ben you guessed you were right. But that wasn’t too hard to block out and you supposed he had good reason. He asked you questions over dinner, about yourself and your family and your work. And he made plenty of jokes, most of them at his or Ben’s expense. It was clear they’d known each other for a while, just based on how they acted when they were together and you could see why Ben would have confided in him. All around it was a very nice evening. Or it was for the most part.

After dinner, while you were working on a bottle of wine Joe had insisted on opening, Ben excused himself to have a smoke, leaving just you and Joe at the table. As soon as Joe heard the door shut behind Ben he leaned in, more serious than you’d seen him all night. “Don’t hurt him.” “I’m sorry, what?” you asked, not sure you’d heard right. “Ben’s told me everything. I know how he feels about you, I know you overheard him when he was talking to me, I know about the fight and what happened after the makeup date. I know everything. And I am begging you not to hurt him.” “I’m not going to.” He sighed, tilting his wineglass slightly, playing with the stem, “I’ve known Ben for a few years now. I’ve seen him crushing on someone, I’ve seen him drunkenly flirt with people, I’ve watched him ask someone out and then move on when they said no. I have never seen him this hung up on someone.” You went to speak but before you could Joe held up a hand and continued. “He’s not going to let on but he is white knuckling it at the moment. He’s been attracted to you since you first met, I have the texts to prove it. The day your situation was proposed he called me, as soon as he’d got home from work. He told me all about it, asked if I’d ever been offered something similar or if I knew someone who had. I didn’t believe him at first but he insisted it was real and asked what I thought. Of course, I told him it was a bad idea if he had any sort of a crush on you. The next day he sent me a message that just said I fucked up. I think he’d originally planned to ask you out at the end of the shoot but then he volunteered to torture himself instead.” “That’s not my fault,” “I’m not saying it is. I’m just trying to help you understand where he’s at because I know he won’t have told you. He’s pretending he’s getting over you, that he’s moved on from whatever weird little hiccup he had. But it’s not true.” Joe paused, turned towards the door, but when he heard nothing he kept talking, “I’ve been watching him all night. The way he talks to you, the way he looks at you. He’s still in love you and this press trip is killing him. Do you like him?” “If you’ve heard everything then you already know,” you said, ignoring the way your insides squirmed. “I’d like to hear it from you,” “No. I don’t like him. Not in that way.” Joe watched you intently, frowning, “Are you sure?” “Yes,” you said, hoping it sounded more certain than you felt. Joe sighed again, “If that’s true then you’ll understand why I wanted to have this conversation. Please don’t toy with him.” Your mind jumped straight to that afternoon when you’d nearly kissed him again and you felt guilty, “It might come as a surprise to you but I do actually care about Ben and I really am trying not to overstep or make this harder for him. And it’s not so easy on my side of it either” “I know, I can see that. All I’m saying is to be careful. For his sake.”

You were still thinking about the conversation as you lay in bed that night. What exactly had Joe seen in the way you and Ben interacted that made him determined to say something? Why, when you said you weren’t into Ben, had he said if that’s true, like you were intentionally lying about your own feelings? And god the butterflies you’d felt at the suggestion he might have asked you out. What the fuck was that about? Was it because you liked the idea or hated it? Or was it some in between thing where you really hated it but practically living with Ben had clouded your judgement until you thought maybe it’d be okay? You suddenly felt desperate for the trip to be over. At least that way you’d be able to get some personal space back, be able to think without Ben there on the other side of the room all the time. With a sigh you rolled over to face the wall and tried to sleep so you’d be ready for another day of press. The next week and a half was full of interviews with online content creators and radio stations you’d never heard of before. But at least they weren’t as monotonous as the earlier interviews had been. Ben visited Joe again a few times which you were grateful for since it meant he was out of your hair for a while, but you rarely got the time to yourself, the others usually setting up camp in front of the TV in your suite. Then it was time to pack up and fly to LA to start the whole process again. Another two days of junkets and then more spaced out press. You did the autocorrect interview together, took a quiz about romcom quotes on James Cordon’s show and ranked your favourite romcoms on the radio. And then it was back to London to finish the publicity. Straight from the airport to a hotel, already set up and waiting so you could meet with some entertainment vloggers who had missed out at the beginning of the tour. You sighed when you realised it was going to be another day of the same old questions and bet Ben that you’d have to repeat the story about almost breaking your leg during the engagement party ten times. He took you up on it but only because he thought it’d be closer to twenty. Ben called in a room service order for coffee and you both crossed your fingers and hoped you’d make it through before the jetlag really kicked in. “God you’re lucky you’re done,” Ben said once the last interviewer had left, “I’ve still got fucking GQ tomorrow.” His voice turned into a whine, “All I wanna do is sleep,” You had to laugh as he pouted, “Poor Benny,” “Yes, poor Benny. I’m so ready to just sleep in my own bed and have a long, hot shower in my own bathroom.” “And a wank without being interrupted,” if you’d been less worn out you would have stopped yourself from saying it. “All this time I’ve known you and I’ve still not managed to pull your mind from the gutter,” Ben tutted, clearly equally as exhausted since he didn’t even flinch at the suggestion. “If anything I’ve pulled you down with me.” “You’re a horrible influence,” You both fell into laughter, further proof you needed some rest, but it felt good too. You only stopped when one of the publicists came over to let you know you were free to go. “Alright, cuddle bunny, I’ll see you later, yeah?” Ben pulled you into a hug. “Let me know how GQ goes. I’m gonna get Thai for dinner tomorrow night so if you wanna come chill at mine, that’s totally cool.” “Thai sounds really nice,” “You don’t have to,” you suddenly realised what you’d offered, “we were just talking about wanting time alone so whatever,” “Hanging out with you wasn’t the problem, it was how busy we were. But if we’re just eating takeout and watching Netflix then I’m there.” “I’ll make sure to get the large pad Thai then,” “I’ll bring the diet coke.”

The trip had given the tabloids a lot to work with. You hadn’t kept up to date with it all while you’d been away because you’d been promoting the movie but, once you got back home, you found yourself checking on them more regularly, filling in the spare time by scrolling through twitter or Instagram. There were photos of you at the airport, photos from the streets of LA, gifs and screencaps from interviews you’d done, posted by fans yelling about how cute you were together. The way Ben had described you to the flirty reporter was reposted over and over with pleading face and heart eyes emojis and comments about finding a man like that. Miniscule looks you’d shared without noticing were slowed down in gif form and posted as proof of how in love you were, how wrong anyone who suggested you might be fake were. By far the most commonly occurring one was the thirst tweet video. You saw it shared over and over and over. You were tagged in fanfics inspired by it, in which Ben ate you out until you were an overstimulated mess. It was odd and you’d never have admitted to reading them but it was definitely entertaining and not too far from some of the things you’d imagined yourself. But going back to living on your own didn’t help your confusion the way you thought it might. You missed seeing Ben every night and every morning, couldn’t stop thinking about what might have happened if you’d kissed him. And you were fast running out of excuses for why. It was one thing to blame the situation when you were sharing a hotel room, practically forced to spend most of your time together, and playing up the relationship for the cameras. But now, in the comfort of your own home, when you and Ben could freely choose when and how often you saw each other, it was much harder to justify how often you thought about him, how badly you wanted to return to that night on his couch and just let it happen. And the more you spent time with Ben, the harder it was to keep from admitting you might actually have been wrong before. Maybe there was something there, though Joe’s words stuck in the back of your mind making it hard to admit it to yourself. You got quite good at telling yourself it was just physical. You loved Ben as a friend and a small part of you wanted to spend the night with him. That wasn’t so unusual. Friends slept together all the time. Maybe if you could sleep with him you could stop thinking about him. Maybe he’d stop thinking he was in love with you too. You laughed at yourself the first time it occurred to you. It was ridiculous and stupid and so unlikely to help…but maybe. Maybe you could make a deal with the universe. Just this one thing and then you could be done with it all.

You came to regret that little notion, came to curse the universe for listening to you. Ben and you had decided to go out for coffee when his phone rang. He excused himself to answer it, leaving you to your slice of brownie as you waited for him to come back. When he did he was frowning. “What happened?” “Uhh, okay. You remember that,” he glanced around and lowered his voice, “that rule we have about not meeting each other’s families? Yeah, I don’t think we can hold them off any longer. That was my mum. See, there’s this big family reunion next week – and I mean big, like all the cousins and great aunts and uncles and grandparents and fucking everyone. We have one every few years, book out this restaurant slash beer garden for a whole day and basically just have this big family piss up. And, um, when my parents heard I was dating you, they extended the invite to you as well but it was like a few months ago and I said I didn’t think you’d be able to make it but now they’re insisting and I tried to say we weren’t ready to meet each other’s families yet but they’re calling bullshit on that because as far as they know that was part of why we had the fight but then we fixed it and also I might have said I was meeting your parents to get out of a lunch I didn’t want to go to.” He said everything so fast you could barely keep up. “Wait, you told them you were meeting my family to get out of a lunch?” “Maybe. But that’s in the past Y/N. Our problem is happening next week.” “Shit,” “Yeah. It’s…I can try and tell them you’re busy that day but I’m pretty sure they’ll just ask again and then we’d be stuck having dinner with just mum and dad and maybe my brother. This way we get it over and done with and if there’s more people we should be able to sneak out earlier.” “Yeah, no, that makes sense.” “There’s just one other little thing.” “What?” “Well, my family live a couple of hours away from here and I’d kind of originally planned to stay overnight in my old room because otherwise I’d have to worry about how much I’d had to drink and if I was able to drive back late at night and it’s just easier to stay there and head back the next day.” “Oh, well, I mean I don’t mind staying over. Um, would we have to share the bed or…?” “Maybe. It’s not like the hotel where we had a whole second bed but I’d be fine sleeping on the floor for a night or we can divide the bed with pillows if that’s easier. I could try looking into other accommodation but Mum’d probably kick up a stink about us paying for it when she’s got a perfectly fine room on offer.” “If you’ve already said you’d stay then we might as well stay. Wouldn’t want her thinking I’m so high maintenance I can’t stay one night under her roof now would we?” Ben laughed, “I don’t know, it’d stop her from inviting you over again. You swear you’re okay with this?” “Yeah. We knew something like this might come up.” “Alright, I’ll let her know you’ll be there. And I’ll buy you dinner tonight to make up for it.” You smiled and said that was a fair exchange but you’d suddenly lost your appetite.

[lightsandlostbells]

wtFOCK season 3, episode 3 reaction

In this episode, Sander shows up 15 minutes late with croques (I know this joke has to have been made before, sorry)

Just adding again that if you are looking for an all-positive review of this show, this is not it. Please don’t read if you would prefer not to hear negative takes.

Episode 3

Clip 1 - Robbe on the beach

Robbe is sharing a bed with Noor. He’s doing some good physical acting because even just lying there, I can tell how stiff and uncomfortable he is. He wakes up and looks bummed. It’s pretty early and he’s on vacation so you know he really doesn’t want to be spooning with a girl if he’s getting out of bed right now.

Gotta say the detail of Aaron’s ass being half-exposed in his sleep is a detail that made me lol.

Robbe goes to the beach and listens to music. He types a text to his mom that he can’t make it to see her this week because he’s at the seaside, (because he’s supposedly doing a school project with Jen, lmao) but then he deletes it. So perhaps he is feeling guilt over not visiting, or he’s just got mixed feelings and wants to distance himself from his family situation right now.

Clip 2 - FINALLY

Robbe goes back to the house and sees a mysterious dude. It’s only been like 20 minutes since Robbe left the house, so this guy must have just arrived. Don’t know why they didn’t just combine these clips, especially since it would’ve been a nice contrast to get Robbe moody and alone vs. the jolt he receives with a cute boy’s arrival within one clip.

The important thing is that we finally meet the Even of this season, who I’ve been pretending I didn’t know is called Sander. I’m going to repeat what dozens of other people have said and say yes, this is Jack Frost from that one movie in live-action form. 

Sander does a bit where he roasts Robbe about not having breakfast ready and he expected it when he made a reservation; Robbe acts half-amused, half-confused as fuck, as if part of him recognizes it as a windup but he also doesn’t know who this dude is, so maybe he could be for real?

Afterwards Sander is like, let’s go bitch, we’re grabbing breakfast, and he introduces himself. Robbe is still flabbergasted but he follows Sander out the door anyway, possibly compelled by Sander’s charisma, possibly just swayed by a hot guy. He has no idea how important this meeting is in the grand scheme of things. Robbe, your story is finally starting in episode 3!

OK, I like Sander’s intro! It’s in line with Even’s paper towel trick. Sander is getting Robbe’s attention with a dramatic introduction. He made sure to make a memorable first impression. It works not just for Robbe, but for me as a viewer as well. And I like that Robbe was caught off-guard like Isak was and they didn’t instantly fall into banter or anything, because let’s be real, if some strange dude showed up in your kitchen and started talking to you like this, you would be pretty WTF no matter how nice his face is. 

I am not sure if this show will do the thing where Sander has been pining after Robbe for a while before this meeting - we have seen glimpses of Sander so it seems as if he’s seen Robbe before, but if he’s not from the same school as I think is the case, then I wonder how much he really could have developed feelings for Robbe? Even saw Isak the first day of school, so it’s easy to understand that he developed a crush in the time between that and S3 just by seeing Isak doing his thing at school regularly, and he had plenty of time to learn who Isak was. With Sander, it seems like he just saw Robbe randomly, and that makes sense for “hmm, a cute guy” but not really this giant crush on Robbe as a person. 

This is why it would have been good to actually show what Robbe did or made in the graffiti scene, because it would make sense if Robbe drew something that would have intrigued Sander.

Anyway, the larger point is that this scene does make sense if you consider that Sander was waiting for Robbe and this was a planned intro. I assume there is some way that he found out Robbe would be here this weekend. If this is not something Sander expected, then it’s pretty impulsive of him. Though I can totally buy him winging the booking.com bit if that’s his personality. But it makes more sense to me at the moment to imagine that Sander knew Robbe was coming.

Clip 3 - Robbe and Sander at the store

Robbe and Sander are grocery shopping. Sander quickly establishes himself as having an outspoken, confident personality. I do like how instantly his vibe comes across, which is helpful since we’re making up for lost time.

Sander asking Robbe how many hot dogs one eats has some G-rated “Even immediately starts talking about blowjobs” energy. Or maybe it’s just a coincidence and they really are just talking about food, but like. It’s an Even. 

Amber sends them the shopping list full of normal grocery items. Sander is like NOPE, not getting that. Well I hope no one has any dietary restrictions they need to follow, lmao.

Robbe asks Sander how he knows Amber, but Sander gets distracted by the song over the loudspeakers so he doesn’t have to disclose the truth yet. The song is by “Rebel Rebel” by David Bowie. He asks Robbe if he’s a fan and Robbe is like “yeah!” but Sander challenges him to name three of his songs and Robbe is a flop. Again, I do like how forcefully Sander comes across, his personality is evident.

I have to say: out of all the remake Evens, he’s the one who most immediately comes across as a magnetic personality. Granted, he seems to have a very similar vibe to Even whereas some remake Evens have rather different personalities from the original recipe. But Sander does come across as someone you’d meet (or Robbe would meet) and be a little smitten and swept off your feet right away. 

David Bowie is also a good choice for an Even’s musical taste, especially because of Bowie’s sexuality. I guess you could say it’s pretty on the nose, but it still works for me. I don’t know a ton about the origins of Rebel Rebel but it references gender fluidity and sexuality, so it’s feels fitting for an LGBT-centered season.

As a diehard Ronan/Adam shipper (they’re my OTP of OTPs besides Evak) this scene of Sander pushing Robbe on the cart in the store is calculated to appeal to me. Pynch peeps, you know what I’m talking about. /finger guns

As a personal tangent, I also think grocery shopping is one of the best things you can do on a first date to know if you’re compatible with someone. I have been grocery shopping with people who were dull and no fun, and I have been grocery shopping where it’s an adventure in itself. I strongly believe that you can have fun with the right person in even the most mundane situations. 

Back to Robbe/Sander: this part’s really cute! It gives us a sense of who Sander is and it shows them having fun together. They have a comfortable chemistry and I think Robbe’s vibe in this scene hits the right notes of being starstruck and a little over his head, but acclimating to Sander’s OTT personality and being able to relax and have a good time. He’s certainly having more fun than he expected when he woke up this morning. 

The spinning and eventual slow-mo moment to Rebel Rebel! Great! Super effective at catching that feeling of holy shit, sudden butterflies in my stomach? I can’t look away from this person? I think I have a crush?  

Sander scanning Robbe and saying it’s expensive = lmao, genuinely funny.

And I do like the idea of Sander pushing Robbe and it being chaotic and messy as a way to visualize/signify the arrival of him in Robbe’s life as a way to shake it upside down. (Although, lol, I kinda hate them for causing a mess for the retail workers.)

Sander crashes the cart and Robbe into some boxes. After checking to see if Robbe’s OK, Sander plays it cool and walks away whistling. I do love Robbe’s reaction, that we see him trailing Sander and sneaking happy glances at him. Good stuff.

Taken on its own, this is a terrific first meeting, and I can see how this scene would inspire optimism in the season picking up from here. However - and I hate to be a downer because this scene worked for me - it’s the same issue that I’ve said before: we shouldn’t have waited two full episodes for this clip. Though this scene was great and established an easy chemistry, it also wasn’t that personal and didn’t last too long, and now they have to go back and hang with everyone else, so how are they going to continue to bond on their own? They should just go find other errands to do, away from everyone else. 

Clip 4 - Robbe and Sander in the kitchen

Noor is right there in the kitchen with them, but being hungover, is unable to be a third wheel in the way that Emma was to Isak and Even. Amber’s annoyed that they didn’t get anything on the shopping list, Sander shoos her out and says Robbe and he will cook.

Again, this not the same room for intimacy as Evak because they’re not alone! Anyone could walk in at any moment! People were just there! And I think you COULD do something interesting with that, how frustrating it is that everyone else is there, but it doesn’t work so well when it’s like … the first time they meet and they really need that space to get to know each other (considering, for the millionth time, that we are racing to catch up with only just meeting Sander). We really need to either play into the lack of intimacy and adjust the timeline of the relationship accordingly, or they need to manage some extra moments with the two of them to really establish the connection.

They make croques (weren’t bread and cheese on Amber’s list? So they did get something she asked for, heh) and there’s a fair amount of innuendo and suggestion, with the leaning down and leaning toward each other in the tight space. I do really like that and think it’s effective. They notice the chemistry, Sander touches Robbe’s back as he walks by.

More Bowie with Under Pressure. (This would be a really good song choice for Robbe’s POV to illustrate all the shit he’s dealing with.) Sander is very charming, he’s singing and having a good time, he lights up a joint. He opens up a bit about how making croques is a family tradition and asks Robbe if he has any traditions, and Robbe is still withdrawn and doesn’t go into it. Good moment! Robbe’s family is a touchy subject.

Sander licking the joint is quite an Erotique moment for Robbe. I also like that Robbe is clumsy with the croques, seemingly because he’s flustered by Sander’s Sanderness.

I like the Sander actor quite a bit so far. Like I said, he’s super intense and charismatic. He’s also super fucking forward with Robbe, feeding him some croque while they eye fuck, and I’m sorry but that feels way too pointed for this relationship so far The rest of the scene captures the unstated sexual tension but Sander sticking a sandwich in Robbe’s mouth while Robbe stares back is too obvious and feels like they’re trying to sell this really hard in order to make up for lost time, it took me out of the scene. Robbe is tentatively getting more comfortable with Sander, but I don’t buy that he would be that comfortable at this point. It would have been better if they’d stuck to, like, the subtle thrill of sharing a joint (where OMG Sander’s mouth has been?? Yowza).

Britt shows up and she’s Sander’s girlfriend! Oh nooooo!

Except Robbe and Sander met SEVERAL HOURS AGO so this doesn’t really have much of an impact? Isak pining over Even for a week and Googling him and stalking him creates a big buildup both in audience expectations and in Isak’s, whereas Robbe JUST met this dude. We’ve barely had time to form any expectations.

Imagine if you’ve never seen Skam and you’re watching this in real time. You’d be like “Awww, bummer, this guy has a girlfriend, I guess,” rather than “OH SHIT NOOOOOO” because you’ve been following them for a week and watching their conversations and their eye-fucking and getting to know Even through Isak’s eyes. Because you’ve had plenty of time to become attached to this character and because you’ve had time to sink into Isak’s POV and feel his crush on this guy. You feel the stakes of learning that Even has a girlfriend. Robbe learning that Sander is dating Britt is disappointing ... but how disappointing, really? There’s a low level of investment in Sander so far, for both Robbe and for us. I mean, sure, he’s charming, and we’re probably thinking he and Robbe might be cute together, but at most you would have had five hours to get attached at this point. If you look at it one way, this revelation is good because Robbe had only a brief window of time to get his hopes up before learning Sander has a girlfriend, as opposed to Isak who had a full week.

This is where the season’s odd storytelling choices start to fall down. Because there’s a lot about these last few clips that I enjoyed on a micro level. They work as individual scenes. It’s when you think about them on a macro level that the logic and emotional resonance doesn’t hold up. And I think that there are many, many story elements - in wtFOCK and most of the remakes - where a lot of writing only makes sense if you are coming with knowledge of the original show and sort of filling in the blanks here, rather than wtFOCK putting in the work itself.

I also think it’s something of a disappointment because S3 portrayed the experience of developing a crush so beautifully, the desperation to learn more about a person and get close to them, the obsessive focus. wtFOCK is by no means required to do that, but it was such a vulnerable, intimate way to get into Isak’s head that I can’t help but miss the extended crush period for Robbe. We really needed more of his POV.

Robbe decides to cope by getting high. Aha, there’s that Under Pressure for Robbe! 

Actually, it seemed super weird to me that the timestamps had them meeting like 5 hours ago? Because it seemed like they went shopping and went home soon after where Amber inspected the groceries, but apparently there were hours between that, so what were they doing in the meantime? Not anything important, apparently, because we didn’t see it.

Clip 5 - Sad sad Robbe time

The others are playing trivia and Robbe is just social distancing like 10 feet away staring at them while listening to music on his headphones, lmao. Britt has quite the grip on Sander’s neck.

Noor comes over and Robbe asks her about Britt and Sander. Sander studied Visual Arts at I think a different school than Robbe. Imagine how effective this would be if Robbe did this LAST WEEK, like “casually” asked Noor about Sander or something. But of course that would have required the story to be moving forward last week.

Sander stares at Robbe and Noor as they make out. Get back in Robbe’s POV, for fuck’s sake! This isn’t even an impossible moment to have from his POV. Have Robbe and Noor make out, Robbe opens his eyes and spies Sander looking at him, he looks again and Sander has looked away. That creates an element of doubt that will live rent free in Robbe’s head. 

This choice annoys me more and more. Where’s the tension in quite firmly suggesting that actually, Sander is into Robbe right after showing that Sander has a girlfriend? There was soooo much juicy tension squeezed from Isak and the audience not knowing what the fuck was up with Even and Sonja. People forget it now, but as someone who watched OG S3 in real time, there were plenty of viewers who thought Even was just stringing Isak along or doubted the sincerity of his feelings, because the show effectively kept us in Isak’s POV and for many viewers there was room to doubt Even’s intentions. Honestly, we didn’t really get real confirmation of Even’s feeling until episode 9. I just don’t see how it serves the story to a) take us out of our main character’s POV b) to make sure the mysterious love interest is somewhat less mysterious this early.

Clip 6 - Paintball

The squads play a friendly game of paintball, and by that I mean they try to annihilate each other. It’s a little hard for me to tell who’s shooting who since it’s fast and everyone has masks and is dressed in either black or camo, except Aaron in his onesie.

Sander and Robbe end up next to each other. They see Britt on the ground. Sander runs up and shoots Britt several times while she tells him to stop, clearly in pain. Britt yells at him to be normal sometimes and to use his head from time to time. Sander apologizes as Britt runs off.

Robbe and Sander exchange a look like “hmm” and Sander says he thinks they’ve won. He walks off. The music feels … weirdly triumphant?

This scene sits pretty weirdly. I don’t think this clip was pointless, I definitely think it has a point, but … what are they going for here. Thinking about it, I’d say the concept of this scene is good, but the execution feels off. wtFOCK has a real tone problem that becomes apparent later in the season.

I don’t think shooting Britt means Sander is manic, but I DO think part of the intent was to show he’s impulsive/gets carried away/can be OTT. Which is not bad (although there’s some sketchiness abut how this is tied to his mental illness if he’s not manic right now, and about how mentally ill people are dangerous) but it’s his reaction that gets me. Because it’s one thing if he gets carried away and we see him show remorse (which he does, briefly) but then he’s like cracking a joke with Robbe. It would be way more effective if we saw his remorse lingering. Not to mention yeah, he could have hurt Britt! It’s not that Sander has to be flawless, but this is one of our first impressions of him and it’s not great. It might work if you think it’s setting up Sander as something of a dangerous bad boy for Robbe (“you only like bad news” go the lyrics) but I’m not sure how much the show leans into that, especially because Robbe seems happy that they “won” rather than alarmed at what the fuck Sander just did.

But the part that baffles me most is how this matters to Robbe/Sander? Is this supposed to be a cute, flirty moment? A “haha, fuck my girlfriend, I like you instead” moment? Because wow, was it cruel on Sander’s part, and Robbe doesn’t seem that bothered by it. I get that maybe Sander IS supposed to be upset with himself but is brushing it off, but yeah, the offense is just too much for me, when physical harm comes into play. 

IDK, I could get behind the ambiguity of reactions in a scene like this, but there’s something off about the seriousness of what Sander does - which is acknowledged in-clip by Britt’s and Zoë’s reactions - combined with how Robbe and Sander end the clip, as if we ignore those reactions to make it a fun shippy moment. It’s pretty unappealing. We don’t even really see or hear anything about Sander and Britt making up or talking it out, we don’t see any lingering tension between them due to this incident, it’s like this clip was forgotten. Presumably they made up off-screen before the next clip, but in that case, we should have seen Sander run after her to apologize? Where’s the emotional fallout? It doesn’t really stick for Sander, Britt, or Robbe. 

Clip 7 - Bonfire

Robbe is upset with Sander and Britt making out. He goes over to Aaron who is also sitting sadly alone.

Aaron says he doesn’t know how Robbe does it, getting girls, and how he was so chill with Noor in the bathroom. IMO they could’ve ramped up Robbe’s fuckboyness since it didn’t come across that clearly to me, but this is one thing I do like about the potential of Isak and Magnus interaction … the Magnus looking to the Isak for girl advice, making the Isak have to preserve some sort of reputation as a ladies’ man, giving him some cred with his friends that he’s afraid to lose.

Robbe says it’s different because Noor goes to a different school so it wasn’t as bad if she rejected him. But wasn’t she handing out dance performance flyers in the hallway at Robbe’s school? That made me think she was a student there. But IDK how Belgian school works, maybe that’s normal.

Aaron goes over to talk to Amber and makes her a s’more, but Amber walks off because OMG so many calories. Aaron is bummed but Luca takes the s’more and eats it. Uhhh, the obvious buildup here is for Aaron/Luca, wtFOCK writers. She is literally taking and enjoying what Aaron is offering. I sense a connection. 

I’m tickled by Aaron referencing American TV shows when he makes the s’more. His s’more is missing the best part, the cheap melted chocolate, which to be fair would probably have caused Amber to slap him over the calorie count.

This scene is at least from Robbe’s POV as he watches them, thank God.

Clip 8 - Haunted house

The boy squad (who are called the Brrrothers) set up a haunted house. That’s actually a pretty fun scenario. They lock the others in, because teenagers don’t care about fire hazards. But still seems like a great time.

Sander helps the others through the window, what a gentleman.

Aaron and Amber have the cliché “fall down into each other” moment so I suppose that’s the start of their romance. Now she holds his hand. Boo, no Luca/Aaron … at least Aaron/Amber is still better than Basile/Daphne so far.

They climb onto the roof to seek a treasure, which turns out to be alcohol. There’s a rooftop party, people drinking and smoking and having a good time. Robbe and Sander share a Look before Sander and Britt get cozy.

I mean, again … would’ve been better if they hadn’t spoken like. Twice.

Clip 9 - Aaron throws away his shot

Robbe is grumpy on the way back from the haunted house, which he calls Jens and Moyo’s ego trip. I think he’s mostly just sour about Sander and Britt, but also he could be annoyed that he wasn’t involved, although that mainly seems like it would be Robbe’s fault for distancing himself.

Aaron valiantly offers to check the house for murderous ghosts before they go back inside.

See, I KNEW Aaron was going to pull some shit with a practical joke when he went inside, I just didn’t expect him to pretend to get SHOT. The dedication… it’s in very poor taste, though.

Of course it’s a prank, but Amber acts very concerned. You know, this is actually a good way to show how Aaron is immature and keep the Amber/Aaron pairing apart … compared to Basile/Daphne where it was just nonstop sexual harassment, here we see Aaron being sweet and thoughtful with Amber and potentially making progress with her, and then ruining it by being an insensitive teenage dumbass. But he can still grow into more of a mature kid and prove himself to Amber that way.

Aaron seems regretful of it, but Moyo and Jens are like YOU DA MAN. I regret to announce that this boy squad kinda sucks so far.  At least Aaron seems like he might have some character development, judging by his reaction here.

That was nicely done as a way to create conflict with the Aaron/Amber relationship, and establishing some mutual interest before showing where Aaron needs to grow as a person, even if I’m like ... we really got to stick to Robbe’s POV/story, man. 

Clip 10 - Another prank

Moyo and Jens ask Robbe to go get them beers, and it’s a prank and Aaron’s in the freezer so I guess Aaron did not learn anything, never mind. 

Echoing what I said above: I’m absolutely not expecting the boy squad to be perfectly well-behaved rational empathetic adults, and it’s not like this prank is some deeply cruel thing, but there is just. So much. Of the shouting, pranking, casual sexism, crude comments, and general obnoxious behavior. I’m really trying to keep in mind that Isak’s boy squad was also full of the horny gross talk about girls at the beginning, and that it was a necessary part of showing Isak’s alienation from his peers.  Or that by now on OG S3 we had several awesome moments from Isak’s squad that we haven’t reached yet because the season’s paced a few episodes behind. Still. Ugh. Maybe it’s the shouting? I feel like this boy squad is ... shoutier ... than the other boy squads. Making them prankmasters is also not helping. I think you have to walk a careful line between making them realistically flawed straight dudes who alienate Isak with their talk of girls, and making them screaming caricatures who are all “fuck girls get pussy hot chicks sex sex sex.” There’s a lack of warmth and innocence to balance it out. We need some indication soon that these guys are going to be there for Robbe when shit goes down. 

Robbe snaps at them and storms off, and Noor follows him. WOW, it would be good to see ROBBE’S POV of this scene!!!! What happened next!!! 

Nope, the clip ends here!!!!

Clip 11 - Halloween

Everyone’s dressed up and preparing to go to a Halloween party. The girls are cute putting on makeup and chatting about necrophilia. There’s a comment where Luca says a guy sounded like “a begging Romanian” and errrrr, I did a bit of a double take at that. It’s not my culture or language so I don’t want to talk out of my ass, but I thought this was generally considered to be an offensive thing to say (although one that people frequently say anyway due to prejudice). What was the fandom reaction to that line? 

People are dancing at the party. Apparently Jens and Jana are friends with benefits. Lol, at least Jana is not FWB with their P-Chris, that guy sucked.

Amber’s still mad at Aaron, understandably. Moyo cheers up Aaron on his recent romantic failure, which is nice and a much kinder moment than 99% of the material they’ve given Moyo thus far, and they go look for other girls.

I do love all the Halloween makeup. Look at Robbe’s hair!

Zoë checks her phone because I guess Senne drama is gonna happen.

Noor tags a wall with R+N in a heart, oh dear.

Robbe stares sadly at Sander and Britt dancing. Noor tries to get him to dance because the song is great, Robbe says he’s more of a Bowie fan and namedrops Changes. OK lmao, again, this doesn’t work so well that Robbe has suddenly become a Bowie expert when he’s been at the seaside the whole time. I know it’s silly when Isak starts acting like a Nas expert, but there was enough time for him to look up Nas between when Even mentioned him and when he talked to Emma about him to gain some basic knowledge of Nas. I guess Robbe could’ve been looking up Bowie in the last few days when he’s brooding alone, but lol, he’s also been kinda busy. Or Robbe is just bullshitting about Bowie, but the fact he was able to name a Bowie song when he couldn’t earlier in the episode suggests that he did look into Bowie. 

Now there’s the Call Your Girlfriend moment where Robbe makes out with Noor while staring at Sander, then Sander stares back, eyefuck, blah blah.

I gotta say. I’ve seen various takes on Call Your Girlfriend scene by now. And what I notice - at least from my recollection - is that the remakes tend to focus more on the actual eyefucking. Because the OG scene doesn’t actually have Isak and Even staring at each other, going back and forth, for a while. Most of that scene is about Isak’s longing. Isak dances with Emma, looks at Even with Sonja. He kisses Emma, looks at Even kissing Sonja. It’s about Isak wanting Even but instead being with a girl. When Even looks back it’s not this long, extended thing! Because it’s not really about the eyefucking. It’s just confirmation, for both Isak and for us, that we are not imagining this chemistry between them. It’s a shot of hope that Even also wants Isak despite mixed signals. That even though Even is passionately kissing his girlfriend, he’s thinking about Isak. And then Isak closes his eyes - he doesn’t eyefuck Even through three verses and the bridge, he closes his eyes - and we don’t need to be told to realize he’s imagining he’s kissing Even instead. 

First of all, the most effective part of the CYG scene is the timing. The song is perfectly timed and Isak’s reactions are perfectly edited to make us feel that frustration and longing that Isak does. It’s a way more vulnerable scene that most of the remakes seem to realize. Most of the scene is Isak looking without that look being reciprocated. And Even’s returned look comes just as we’re losing our minds (plus it matches the on-the-nose lyrics, lol). The endless eyefucking in the remakes isn’t that special or interesting in terms of delivery. 

Second, here’s the thing: I think we forget, since we know that Evak are endgame, that at this stage during S3′s real-time run, it wasn’t certain that they were endgame. In fact, many people weren’t even sure Even liked Isak back! I was lucky enough to jump into Skam right before the first kiss, and there was so much doubt, it was crazy. Even and Isak shared an awesome afternoon together, but Even brought his girlfriend to this party, he’s still dating her. Isak is doubting whether this thing can go anywhere with them, if Even even is interested in him like that. And Even looking at him during CYG IS the confirmation that Even’s into him. It’s the confirmation for the audience that we didn’t imagine Even’s attraction to Isak. Whereas in wtFOCK, Sander is like openly staring at Robbe when Robbe isn’t watching, and the show breaks Robbe’s POV to make sure we know this. Sander is feeding him croques by hand while they lock eyes. He’s being much flirtier and the show is not hiding his interest. wtFOCK introduced Britt as an obstacle to this potential relationship, but does she really feel like one when Sander has been communicating his interest all along? Is there any doubt he likes Robbe? Not to mention Sander was just introduced this episode, and there simply isn’t the buildup, the time to weigh in and question his motives, the investment in whether he likes Robbe or not. So the tremendous release of tension in this scene is just not the same, because the tension isn’t there to begin with. 

The OG Call Your Girlfriend clip is not about two guys who are hot for each other challenging each other to look away. The clip is about vulnerability and longing, and that vibe has been missing from sooooo many of the adaptations. Like anything in the remakes, change is not inherently bad. Change can provide for some interesting and thoughtful material. But I don’t think the remakes always realized when they’re making a change. On the surface a scene will be similar to OG, but the emotional buildup, the timing, the tension, the symbolism, etc. will be very different, and if you’re not aware of how even the littlest change can alter the meaning of a scene, then the scene can fall flat.

Clip 12 - End of trip

Everyone’s packing up to go home, Amber calls out the boys for sitting there and not cleaning (she’s right!)

Robbe helps Sander with the empty bottles. Sander asks about Robbe and Noor if they’re doing well. Robbe says yeah and then asks about Sander and Britt, Sander says it’s been “ups and downs” with mostly downs lately. Ups and downs could also refer to bipolarity, though I don’t know if I’d jump to Sander having “mostly downs” mentally just yet.

Sander says he seems to get on her nerves lately, and they’ve been together for half a year. Okay sooooo … they’re way less serious than Even and Sonja, and Sander has much less to lose by breaking up with her. I mean. Do they not see where, emotionally, this removes a lot of Even’s conflict in OG, and presumably much of Sander’s conflict in this version? It mattered that Sonja had been with Even for years. It mattered that he was used to her taking charge. It mattered that they’d sunk so much time into this relationship and survived such rough patches. Unless there was a really really drastic event in Sander’s life like right when he and Britt got together, that she was instrumental in helping him face, it seriously cannot compare to what Even and Sonja went through. He asks Robbe what he would do, stay or go.

He reaches around Robbe, getting sorta touchy feely, Robbe steps away. 

Sander says maybe he (Sander) is scared he’ll never find someone, someone who’ll love him. Tension between him and Robbe as they consider each other. This insight is good to understand Sander, at least.

Robbe says he thinks Sander will find someone like that, Sander asks where, Robbe says he should meet new people, Sander says “on a weekend trip with strangers?” Robbe is like “...yes.” (Did you get to know each other? Did you really?)

They lean in for a kiss, but then Luca shows up to take out the trash so the moment is ruined, Sander walks off.

SIIIIIIGH this could have been a good scene if they like … developed this relationship or didn’t pace this story so weirdly. On top of the rushed Sander/Robbe development, the buildup to this scene on its own is odd. In OG, the kitchen almost-kiss happens right after the Call Your Girlfriend moment where they lock eyes, after Even stares at Isak across the room. There is palpable tension in the kitchen because they’re basically riding a high together. This is like the morning after their version of the CYG, which should have been an “aha! he likes me back!” moment for Robbe, but instead the momentum and sexual tension just kind of paused and consequently this scene almost feels random, like I felt the contrivances to put them in the same situation as Isak and Even here. (Think about it: Was there a reason this scene had to be the next morning instead of later that night? What happened after that eyefucking clip, did Robbe and Sander just go about their night like NBD?) The CYG clip and following kitchen scene felt like a clear example of cause and effect; the wtFOCK equivalents felt more like they were hitting arbitrary points in the OG rather than feeling fitting to its story.

I just realized we got like NO insight into Robbe’s sexuality crisis this episode, either, the way we did with Isak in episode 3. And maybe we’ll get some of it in the future, but I do think it weakens the story not to have any of that at this juncture. We’re three out of 10 episodes and we’ve barely scratched the surface of our protagonist’s main conflict this season, which is about his sexuality.

HOW I WOULD REWRITE THE EPISODE:

Introduce Sander sooner, for fuck’s sake.

Okay, that ship has sailed, moving on. Have the grocery scene go on longer, or rather, have them go somewhere after the supermarket, like they decide to take a detour to a park or something and go hang out and talk, to the point where Amber starts texting them like “Where the fuck is the food?” Show Robbe unwinding just a little, talking about his own interests, his own taste in music. It’s understandable that he might not open up about the deep’n’heavy stuff yet, but perhaps in either this scene or another one later this week, Sander asks him a family-related question and Robbe doesn’t answer with his whole sad backstory, but he gives a little, maybe has a fond memory of his mom, a tradition they had when he was younger. We see this little happy/sad moment and it’s like something about Sander compels him to open up and we get the complexity of his relationship with his mom, that it’s not all good or bad.

Instead of Sander shooting Britt excessively in the paintball scene, have him and Robbe team up and strategize for a while. We see they work well together, oho. They’re having a lot of fun. And maybe Sander DOES shoot Britt but it’s not this prolonged close-range thing, it’s just him being caught up in the moment as he and Robbe work together. He shoots her (again, it’s a little OTT and enough to make her upset but not quite as bad as in the filmed scene) and she runs off and we see him have an “oh” moment. Oh right, I got caught up being with this guy I like and forgot I have a girlfriend. He feels seriously remorseful and runs after Britt. And maybe when Sander shoots Britt, Robbe has a moment of “!!!”, maybe Sander likes him Like That after all! But then Sander runs after Britt and they kiss and make up because it’s just a paintball game, after all, and Robbe is like, oh, right. It’s just paintball.

This episode really convinces me how vital episode 2 is, even before Mekke øl, in establishing both Even as a character and the Isak/Even dynamic. We get why Isak likes him even before they speak again. It’s so beautiful and honest, with Isak checking out Even’s video, searching for him on social media, that desperation … and then how much R+J hits Isak in the feels. The equivalent would be if Robbe was listening to David Bowie on his earbuds and having a big moment. So er, why didn’t they just ... do that? Robbe is sitting alone listening to David Bowie and watching Sander and Britt be cuddly, and there’s this feeling of longing and being close to Sander via the music while at the same time being so far away. It might be too obvious and faithful to OG, but it would also, you know. Probably be effective. It is also set-up for Robbe talking about how he’s a Bowie fan to Noor.

Have Sander talk to Robbe after Robbe flips out on his friends after the prank! Maybe Sander calms him down by doing a weird Sander thing! Maybe Robbe confides a bit about his shitty home situation or his crappy friends so he and Sander connect on a deeper level! But the prank clip ended immediately after Robbe stormed off, and for some reason the show was like nah, it’s not important after that, even though it was a prime opportunity for good, insightful content into Robbe’s head, or a way to let Robbe and Sander bond some more. 

If they cannot talk directly, how about some indirect moments where they connect, other than paintball? We get some stares at each other but those could be structured to show off more of a connection. Their eyes meet when something funny happens. Robbe or Sander are Jim Halperting at each other when Aaron or Amber says something ridiculous, like can you believe this shit? Everyone’s sitting around listening to music and Sander goes and puts on a Bowie song and Robbe smiles to himself.

(Not that they needed to do movie references in this version, but they should have totally gone with Labyrinth references for Robbe/Sander, just saying. I’m not even sure how it would work thematically, I just think it’d be delightful.)

(OR VELVET GOLDMINE, aka “Todd Haynes wrote and filmed David Bowie/Iggy Pop fanfiction where Ewan McGregor and Christian Bale fuck on a rooftop.” God I love that movie.)

In the haunted house, have Robbe and Sander like ...touch, accidentally, or grab each other out of fear, or do one of those cliché “we find ourselves close together, breathing hard and staring at each other” moments. I don’t care! Just give us stuff to work with! Like there even IS a split second moment where Robbe is climbing out of the window and Sander offers him a hand, it’s just not played for any drama or tension or emotional reaction - I mean, wtFOCK are you doing, wtFOCK writers? 

There is a glaring flaw with this episode, in that there were SO many opportunities to actually have Robbe and Sander interact throughout the episode, and yet overall the potential was totally wasted.

Consider that Isak and Even went to the same school, but they were in different years and didn’t share any classes. So when, for example, Isak hangs out with Even in Mekke øl, I can easily buy that Isak doesn’t see him again until Even returns the snapback. Or that he doesn’t see Even after the snapback scene until the neon party. Therefore, I feel like I’m seeing all the essential moments of Isak’s interaction with Even, I am getting the “full story” with Evak and sufficient evidence to try to piece together what Even’s deal is. 

Robbe and Sander were living under the same roof for days. This is a drastic departure from the original. Realistically speaking, there would have been so, so many more opportunities for interaction, or moments where we could’ve gained insight into that developing attraction. Sander and Britt would’ve been sleeping in the same bed at times, right? How did Robbe react to that? Could we have seen his jealousy? Was there ever a time when Robbe was coming out of the bathroom and he bumped into Sander and it was awkward? Or when someone else left a room and Robbe found himself alone with Sander, and he didn’t know what to say? Did Robbe try to avoid Sander the entire time? Did he try to talk to him but Noor or Britt walked in? Did Sander try to talk to Robbe? Was there any interaction between them besides what we were shown on screen? Did Robbe get up and sit on the beach listening to music and Sander joined him and they shared headphones? Did Robbe go outside one night just to get away from Noor in his bed and Sander was also sitting on the porch and they shared a joint and talked about stuff? Eh? Ehhh???

The problem is that I don’t believe that we were shown the “full story” of Robbe and Sander this week. I can’t believe that because, logically speaking, there would have been way, way more interactions between them even if they were actively trying to avoid each other. For whatever reason, wtFOCK decided to have Robbe and Sander meet at the seaside and spend a week in the same house. Okay. But despite the opportunities that scenario provided to really catch up and develop the hell out of the Robbe/Sander relationship after a delayed start, the show just didn’t do that. And I do feel cheated, not just because it’s rushed and lazy, but because it doesn’t even make sense. Obviously wtFOCK cannot film every minute they were around each other, but it sure as hell could’ve given us more substantial content than it did. 

Even if you want to emphasize how they can’t really be alone with each other because they’re with almost 10 other people including their girlfriends ... fucking run with that, man. Milk it for all it’s worth. Make us feel how frustrating it is that they’re not alone, that Robbe is paranoid about getting too close to Sander in case everyone can tell he’s got a crush. Or show them in a scene with other characters, but they’re interacting in an indirect way that makes it seem like they’re the only two people in the room. Their first clip and the almost kiss at the end of the episode is the only time when I really felt that tension at all, and I use “tension” loosely in the case of the almost kiss.

We also have little information this season on Robbe’s specific sexuality crisis, and that’s also hurting the narrative. I’m aware that the next episode dives into some of the clips that OG Skam got to in its episode 3, so I don’t want to harp on it too much now ... but I do have some basic questions, such as: where is Robbe at with his sexuality right now?

We have gotten very little introspection on him thinking about being gay, or what it means to be gay. We did not have the big crush fixation on Sander that Isak got on Even: Googling him, looking him up on social media, trying to find out everything about him. We did not have Robbe taking gay tests online. Yet he goes from meeting Sander to trying to kiss him within days.

And I think the lack of sexuality crisis further diminishes the already weak tension of the episode. If Robbe was more strongly dealing with his sexuality, then I would be able to accept him falling for Sander so fast and so hard a bit more easily, to the point of almost kissing him, even if their emotional connection wasn’t really established. But he hasn’t been given the space to do that. He hasn’t been given the space to even think about being gay or what that means. So he’s supposedly going from internalized homophobia to almost kissing Sander, with none of the introspection shown on screen. Why? What is running through his head?

So obviously, in rewriting the episode, let’s set up some actual sexuality conflict with Robbe. Maybe he’s trying to look up gay stuff online while he’s locked himself in the bathroom or when everyone else is asleep at night, or he’s trying but unfortunately he’s paranoid people are looking over his shoulder, or the boy squad grabs his phone as a prank and he’s terrified they’ll see that he was searching “how to know if you’re gay.” Maybe other people start talking about a sexuality-related topic, a gay celebrity, something like that, and Robbe’s reaction matters - like he makes an ignorant comment and someone schools him, or he makes a downright offensive comment and someone chews him out. Someone makes a gay joke and we see how it makes Robbe squirm. Someone makes a gay joke and then gets called out on it and we see how it makes the wheels turn in Robbe’s head.  Have Amber or Noor or whoever make a boneheaded comment about gay people and Sander schools them so we see Robbe get a HMMM moment. HMMM, does Sander like dudes? HMMM, maybe I should reconsider my opinions on gay people? I don’t know, man! Literally! Anything! 

Maybe have his advice to Aaron be more obviously bad? More fuckboyish? We see him overcompensating for his sudden Sander feelings by doling out some uber-heterosexual manly man advice to Aaron about how to impress a girl. Aaron is like, are you sure that’s a good idea? Robbe is like, pffft, obviously, what, are you gay? Are you too gay to make a move on Amber? Show her what’s what. This leads Aaron to do something very stupid and insulting and sexist with Amber, which leads to Amber getting mad at Aaron and Aaron getting mad at Robbe for Robbe’s dumbass advice. Maybe Jens and Moyo jump in because God knows we need some good moments from them, and they’re like, seriously, Robbe? Why did you think that was a good idea? Robbe gets mad and storms off. 

To some degree I’m like … well, what IS Robbe’s problem with Sander dating Britt, really? He met this hot and cool guy, but a few hours later learned the hot guy had a girlfriend. It sucks, but what is pulling him in so hard and so fast other than Sander being so hot? It’s a disappointment, but is it this truly devastating thing? He doesn’t know much about Sander, they’ve had so much less of a connection than Isak and Even. They had one fun morning, basically. It’s true that crushes aren’t rational and that a teenager can fall for someone based on crumbs and hotness, I fully realize you can’t turn off your romantic feelings like a faucet. But the show didn’t put in the work of making me believe in the strength of those romantic feelings in the first place. The fact that it is realistic for teenagers to have shallow crushes does not mean that I have to accept weak writing to fill in the blanks for this romantic connection that is supposed to be a powerful love story. Actually, let me bold that and rewrite it as a general rule: The fact that something can be realistic does not mean we have to fill in the blanks in order to make up for weak, lazy writing. 

I know that Isak and Even didn’t have a TON of interaction before episode 3, but they definitely had more, and Isak had time to research Even and develop a crush him based on what he found: he learned a bit about Even’s hobbies and interests, he was touched by a piece of art that Even loved. They bonded, they BOTH opened up - we saw Isak melt a little and banter whereas Robbe hasn’t really loosened up with Sander, except running around the grocery store (oh, and letting him stick a croque in his mouth, I guess). In the kitchen scene after getting groceries, for example, Robbe basically says nothing noteworthy, nothing to give either us or Sander a better understanding of him, or an appreciation of his sense of humor. There’s no real banter. If you watch the Robbe/Sander scenes, it seems like Sander dominates them, and that’s great for learning about Sander as a character, not so much for feeling like they’re mutually connecting. And if they want to portray Robbe as shy or awkward around Sander, I get it. But I don’t get where the emotional connection comes in, and frankly I don’t feel like I know much about Robbe as a person. 

So here’s my suggestion: Don’t do the almost kiss.

I know, I know, it’s a Skam S3 staple. But wtFOCK has really not earned this moment. We’re not in dire need of confirmation that Sander likes Robbe because wtFOCK is making it obvious. The tension is not developed enough to merit an almost kiss, Robbe’s sexuality journey is not far along to make it super believable. If they’re kissing next week for real, just let that happen without the episode 3 interrupted kiss. 

If you do want an almost kiss, maybe one or both of them is a little drunk? Or a lot drunk. Like, noticeably tipsy. Their inhibitions are lowered. I could buy that, especially if Robbe has a morning after freakout. oh god i was drunk and about to throw myself at sander!!!!! OR hahaha we were pretty drunk so it didn’t mean anything ... unless...? So long as there’s some effect on Robbe.

Because it’s a Skam remake, we probably do need a big end-of-episode clip, though. A turning point. Personally, I would be fine with just some smoldering unresolved sexual tension that doesn’t go as far as an attempted kiss. (I mentioned above that I am a diehard shipper of Ronan/Adam from The Raven Cycle and let me tell you, you do not need an almost kiss to get across the sexual tension. Once upon a time I wrote a draft of a post charting their relationship development through all their intense stares.) Perhaps Sander and Britt start fighting, Sander walks off, Robbe finds him or maybe he finds Robbe and they’re like, sitting together on the beach, and they have this personal and possibly subtext-laden conversation, or maybe this is when Robbe finally opens up about something personal (like he mentions when his parents used to fight, IDK). They don’t touch. Or maybe their knees brush. They stay perfectly still and don’t lean in. But they look at each other and don’t look away until someone calls for them or comes to collect them, and that’s how the moment is ruined and the spell is broken. That would be enough for me.

Maybe we could end on a non-dramatic note and Robbe and Sander end up sharing earbuds and listening to a David Bowie song. Or a song by someone that Robbe likes and wants to share with Sander, IDK. We leave them staring at the beach and trading surreptitious glances and catching feelings. A real butterflies in the stomach scene.

This also would have been a great episode to hint at Sander’s mental illness. You could show Britt hovering and telling him not to drink or smoke, you could have Robbe walking in as Sander is taking his medication (but obviously he doesn’t know what type of meds they are yet). You could have the suggested ending fight between Britt and Sander contain veiled references to his mental illness because Britt thinks that Sander was skipping his meds or he was doing something that she thought was a red flag. Robbe overhears them arguing but again, he doesn’t realize the real context. 

I felt like Noor was kind of in the background for this episode, and look, I thought she was overused in the first two episodes, but in this one, her presence would have been more useful for Robbe’s storyline, such as having her interrupt a Robbe/Sander moment, or showing us that she’s growing frustrated with Robbe’s lack of attention to her. 

Stay in Robbe’s POV, I beg you. Do this one simple thing. It’s OK to give random scenes outside his POV from time to time (like the girls doing their Halloween makeup) but anything relevant to his arc should be from his eyes only, and anything not relevant to his arc needs to be managed carefully so it doesn’t suck up too much screen time from his story.

I’ve been looking at the social media that was posted for this season, but I don’t really have a ton to say about it. wtFOCK seems pretty active with the characters’ Instagram accounts, so I commend them for that. So far the text messages don’t seem to be adding a ton to Robbe’s story - I specify Robbe’s story because a lot of them are not even texts that involve him, lmao. Like there’s a text between Zoë and Senne that effectively sets up trouble in that relationship, and it’s way more enlightening than texts that actually involve Robbe.

I think there’s legit potential with this cast. I like all the girls, I think Sander’s actor has some good onscreen presence… even though I don’t care for how the boys are written, I think they have potential. It’s just frustrating when you see the potential being squandered even more than if there were little potential to start. 

Just to add, like I said above, this isn’t my culture or language, and I know that I’m missing context. Let me know if there’s anything I didn’t get on account of not being a teenager in Belgium.

[imagine-loki]

Soulbonds and Fairy Dust (rewrite)

TITLE: Soulbonds and Fairy Dust (rewrite) CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 5/?

AUTHOR: nekoamamori ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine one of the fae has been helping the Avengers, jumping in to help them on missions and vanishing before Shield can bring her in.  Loki joins the team and convinces her to come talk to the team and consider joining before Shield takes more drastic measures. RATING: M NOTES/WARNINGS:  This is a rewrite of the original work of the same name.  Also on AO3 here

Loki’s scarlet eyes widened in shock and horror as he tried and failed to bring his Asgardian form back.  He hated seeing the sapphire skin and the markings on his body.  He hated the suddenly colder room.  He hated that he was a monster. 

He couldn’t don his illusions again, no matter how hard he tried, not while she held him in her control.  She was only exerting a tiny piece of her abilities, just a small piece of her control.  It was only a hint of what she could do with his truename.

   She saw his eyes widen when he realized how much control she had, and how much more control she could have if she so chose.  His expression still turned hard when he realized that he couldn’t bring his illusion back, his eyes panicked for a moment before they turned harsh and angry. “Sigyn, enough!” He snapped at her, snarling in rage at what she’d done.  He hated the proof that he was a monster and her cruelty in using it as her example.

Sig snapped her mouth shut and looked down, cringing from his anger.  She’d been expecting it, but still couldn’t help be frightened by the angry powerful male.  She’d had true horrors in her past and had a hard time getting past those.  “I’m sorry,” she said softly, talking to her lap, refusing to look up at him.  “I release you,” she added, just to be safe after she’d released him from her power.  “Your illusion will be back in a minute…” she added softly and hated that she could hear the fear in her own voice. That meant he could hear it too. 

He turned away from her, turning his back to try to hide his true form until the illusion reappeared.  It was no use.  Though Sigyn hated that he seemed so ashamed of his beautiful sapphire skin and the raised runic markings, of his beautiful scarlet eyes.  

This was Loki just as much as his Asgardian illusion was.

“There’s no need to hide,” Sigyn told him just as softly, her voice gentle and loving.  She dared to look up at him while he focused on getting his illusion back. 

It took effort, but he finally managed to summon the illusion back, finally managed to look how he wanted to again.  He turned back to her as soon as he was looking Asgardian again.  He was still glaring and she shrank back from him. “There is a reason I hide behind illusions, Lady,” he told her firmly, anger in his voice and tone, snarling her title.  The way he said it, she knew that was all he was going to say on the matter.

She nodded and looked back down at her lap.  “Sorry,” she said again. She really hadn’t meant to upset him. “You needed to understand the power of names and this was the easiest way to show you…” her voice was soft and afraid.  And she hated how fearful her words were. She hadn’t meant to hurt him.  

He sighed and properly looked at her, past the haze of his anger.  He finally realized he didn’t want to lose his best friend again, especially when he’d just gotten her back again. He took a deep breath, another, before he spoke again. “It’s alright.  I was just surprised.  I did not expect anyone to be able to break my illusion…” he gave her an expectant look to explain herself.

Sig nodded and relaxed slightly, looking up at him again. “It’s part of the power of true-naming.  If a fae with sufficient power knows a being’s true name they can control at least aspects of that being, or completely control them.  Names are dangerous.  True-naming is a rare skill among the fae, so you don’t have to worry, I’m one of the very few who can do it, and none can do it like I can. But that is only a touch of what a fae can do with a being’s real name, ergo why real names aren’t used,” she explained, thoughh she wasn’t sure her explanation was clear.  She were still speaking softly, cautiously, bordering on afraid.  She may have known this man when they were both children, but that was centuries ago and she only barely remembered pieces of it. She really needed to take the time to undo the blocks on her memories. She just needed time to do so. 

Loki nodded along in understanding, figuring out what she meant from her explanation.  “Then I can live with a nickname. I actually like Lokes,” he gave her a reassuring smile. He may not have liked her method, but it had been effective in explaining what she’d meant quickly. 

“I can pick a different one if you’d like,” she offered immediately.  “I just needed one quickly for the outing. I know how it feels to be stuck with a term of address she don’t care for…”

Loki gave her a real smile and shook his head.  “Lokes is fine.  Like I said, I actually like it, especially coming from my old friend.  I’m just not used to having a…kind… nickname.  Thor’s moronic friends weren’t kind with their nicknames and Stark is… well Stark.”  Sig nodded her understanding. She’d gotten the impression already that Loki and Stark hated each other.  And that was enough to make her wary of Stark. “Is there anything else you wish to share?” Loki asked her gently, wanting more information, but not wanting to pressure her. 

 She hesitated, unsure what else he would want or need to know.  “Sorry, I’m not used to anyone taking an interest. Anything else you wanted to know in particular?” she asked in reply.  Fae secrets were secret for a reason, but she would be honest with Loki.

“How long have you been fae?” He asked and she saw the curiosity in his eyes.  He was always desperate to be able to find out answers to any mystery that he came across.  

Some things never changed.

Sigyn had to think that over.  “Well, I’m not entirely fae, but I’ve been like this,” she indicated her pointed ears, tri-colored eyes, and sidhe red hair “Since shortly after they took me.  500 or so years ago?  You seem to remember when that was better than I do at the moment…” When she’d been taken all those years ago, she’d still been a child. Maybe 6 or 7 by Midgardian reckoning of years.   And Loki was older than her by fifty years, she remembered.  She didn’t know how or why she remembered that random fact, but she knew it was true.   Aging among the Asgardians happened in spikes of aging followed by long plateaus. She’d been around 500 when she had been taken.

Loki nodded, thinking over her words.  “The whole kingdom was in an uproar when you vanished. Mother and the Allfather sent out the palace guards to search for you. They would have done it anyway, but it was even more urgent since you were so close to the princes, to me and Thor.  They searched for at least a decade with no leads. I’m so sorry, Sigyn…” he said softly, his eyes and and tone full of centuries of old sorrow.  Tears welled in his eyes, though he refused to let them fall.  

“They wanted you,” she told him softly, her eyes haunted with old memories “or Hammer-brain, but you were more fae like,”

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. That didn’t make any sense.  Though he was royalty, but that didn’t seem like enough of a reason to single him out. “Why me? What could I have possibly offered them?” He asked her, hoping she’d have more insight.  “I was only a child too…Yes, I was a prince, but that couldn’t have been enough of a reason…”

“An alliance between the fae and Asgard?” she suggested with a shrug.  “They didn’t tell me much of their dastardly plans. They were so angry when they realized I wasn’t a princess…” she told him, remembering their anger, their hate.  Those memories she hadn’t been able to block out.  She’d saved her family, but hadn’t been able to save herself her own pain. 

“You were basically royalty, just not officially. I doubt that Mother or the Allfather would have given into the fae even if they had taken me. Especially the Allfather,” she noted that he didn’t call Odin ‘father’ anymore and she wondered what happened to cause the rift. She’d missed a lot while she was gone. 

 “They didn’t think Hammer-brain would take to the magic or transition.  You and I, on the other hand, already had magic, since your mother was teaching us. Like I said, they didn’t exactly share their plans with me;  I’ve only put together a few bits and pieces over the years…” she explained as best she could.

He nodded, accepting her story.  It made sense that they wanted mages, which would make Thor useless for their plans. “I’ll have to let mother know. It could be important. Do you know why the fae wish for an alliance with Asgard?”

 “The Asgardians are one of the long-lived races.  And the seidr is compatible with fae magic.  The fae aren’t… dying out necessarily, but they aren’t having nearly enough children and the children they are having are with the Midgardians, since the Allfather won’t let them into his realm and it’s hard for them to get into the realms with the other long-lived races as well. The children with the Midgardians aren’t immortal and their magic is weak at best. They think the chances will be better to strengthen both the fae and the Asgardians with an alliance,” she spoke quickly, trying to get all the ideas she’d been able to gather out of her mouth in a coherent thought.  She wasn’t entirely convinced she was being coherent.

Somehow, Loki kept up, nodding along in understanding.  “I’m so sorry about what happened to you. It should not have.  I wish…I wish we had done a better job protecting you.  You were ours to defend, and we failed you,”

“Lokes, we were children!  It wasn’t you fault. We were just kids. And I’ve made it out of Underhill now…” she tried to reassure him.  All she wanted to do was cross the distance between them and pull him into a hug, but she knew instinctively that he wouldn’t appreciate it. 

“I know. I just wish I could have done more to help you. Or at least let them take me over you!  They should have taken me!” He sounded so frustrated and helpless and she knew he’d been chewing himself out over it for centuries.  He was a prince and a warrior.  It was his job to defend those in his care.

“No, Loki,” she had a slight hesitation over using his name, but customs were different here and she’d seen how he didn’t care for nicknames.  This conversation needed his real name.  “You would have fared worse there than I did, and I would not have wished that on anyone,”

“What exactly happened to you in Underhill?” His voice was full of heartbreak at her tone, her words, the past he was gleaning that she’d had.

“A lot of awful things. The fae are not kind to those who aren’t fae.  It’s only possible to gain power there by having powerful friends or being strong enough or beautiful enough to gain power other ways.  So even though I was part of the seelie court, it wasn’t safe. I told you that no one goes by their real names, everyone has monickers.  Mine was ‘mongrel’.  So believe me when I say that you would have fared worse, Prince,” she told him.  His title also counted as a nickname in her book and wouldn’t offend him.  She wasn’t saying it out of cruelty, but to emphasize the seriousness of the conversation.

His expression still looked haunted, but he nodded, forced to accept her words. “My brother and I, along with this team, will do all we can to keep you safe. You have my word, Sigyn,” he told her firmly. He sounded determined to keep her safe this time.  He wouldn’t lose his best friend again. 

Sigyn gave him a small, warm smile.  “I’m not exactly helpless,” she reminded him as her smile turned to a smirk that so very mirrored his usual one.

He grinned back at her, feeling like old times and familiar footing.  “I’m aware. You were trained by my mother. It would be an insult to her if I said she did not have the power to defend herself, or train others to do so,”

Sigyn giggled.  It was a sound she hadn’t heard herself make in centuries and was wonderful and melodic. Loki relaxed at the sight and sound of a happy Sigyn.  “And no one would dare insult Mama Frigga,” she agreed, her old form of address for the Queen of Asgard falling off her tongue automatically and it sounded perfect and like it was still correct.

His smile widened to a true smile, a smile she remembered on a much younger Loki.  “Very true,” he agreed warmly and she recognized the expression he wore when he thought of his beloved Mama.  “Very true indeed,”

[gottlem]

summer fl(in)g. part 2 (gigi x crystal)

summary: after lockdown, Gigi and Crystal find it hard to keep their chemistry in person. Will they ever figure out how to get it back? (3.6k)

The first time Gigi and Crystal see each other in person after lockdown is with Jan and Jackie. Jan had insisted in their little group chat that they all meet up as soon as possible, and it just so happened that everyone was already free - having been unable to make any plans due to complete uncertainty of the future. But that’s in the past now. It was finally time to go and see friends, hug them, appreciate the things they had taken so easily for granted. Like how full the park was - before the lockdown, the four would have bitched about the excitable children and ignorant adults. But today was different. Today, sat in the same park they had been in many times before, felt like a turning point in everyone’s lives. They laid out a checkered blanket onto the grass (Gigi couldn’t risk the stains and Jackie didn’t like how the grass made her legs itch) and started their small, last minute picnic. 

The cool summer air enveloped them in a welcome hug - it was starting to become a little cooler, with the hottest part of summer being in the middle of lockdown. Of course they were disappointed in missing the heat, but they knew how necessary the lockdown had been (a/n STAY INSIDE) and couldn’t complain when they were finally outside and feeling the refreshing breeze on their exposed skin - it was (thankfully) still just warm enough for shorts and t shirts, giving the girls a quick taste of summer before the clothes would have to be swapped out for jeans and sweaters.  

Crystal loved how vibrant everything looked. She adored the way the grass was just so green, and the sky so blue. And Gigi was so Gigi. They sat next to each other, their bare legs ever so slightly brushing up every now and again, sending shivers down Crystal’s spine. She only hoped that Gigi was experiencing the same electricity. Crystal felt stuck, she was so scared of getting too close to the girl and scaring her away. She cared about what they had too much to risk it for the chance of something more. 

Everytime Crystal smiled, or laughed, Gigi would find herself absolutely captivated by the sound. It was intoxicating to her. What she loved more, was the fact that every time her ears picked the sound up, Gigi would find that she was the first (and only) thing Crystal would look at. It made her feel special. Like maybe what they had started during the lockdown wouldn't be wasted. Though, she could never describe it that way, even if nothing else came out of it all, the time couldn’t have been wasted when she found so much joy within the memories.

“Gigi. G. Gig. Genevieve. Babe” That last word was what took Gigi out of her thoughts. She was suddenly very aware of how close Crystal’s face was to hers. Turns out, she had completely zoned out and now all she could think about was how good Crystal smelled. She wondered why she hadn’t noticed before, but the realisation came crashing down onto her soon enough - she had never actually been this physically close to Crystal before. Though, it was difficult to believe, with how much they had bonded. All Gigi wanted was to stay like this forever. Stay close to Crystal forever.

But alas, Gigi had been taken out of her trance, which was Crystal’s cue to sit back, and return to stealing subtle stares at the girl. Gigi caught every single one, and returned it with double the intensity. That’s all they could do. Look. Admire. Appreciate from a distance, all the while longing for so much more. They could have a whole conversation with their eyes, but neither would admit it. Not to each other, not to themselves. Not yet, anyway.

The day out is filled with laughter until the sun starts to set and the girls start to get chilly. Crystal had brought an extra jacket (because of course she had) and gave it to Gigi, without trying to think about it too hard. Jan and Jackie had both spotted how the interaction had made both girls turn impossibly red, and giggled amongst themselves, instantly catching onto what was happening, and remembering when they were in the same boat a few months prior. They decided to let them figure it out themselves - it would be fun to watch unfold, and meddling would only complicate things. Though, even if they didn’t know the full story, it seemed to be pretty complicated already.

When Crystal returned to her apartment, her face stung a bit from the cold, Gigi having been given the warmer of her two jackets. And the only one with a hood she could have used to at least try to stop her ears from freezing. The warmth from her apartment was comforting as she made herself a hot chocolate and let herself relax after the day she’d had. She was exhausted from being around a group, a group that included Gigi, for so many hours, but she relished in the way it made her feel. She was content.

When Gigi returned to her apartment, she went straight to her bed and almost passed out. But before falling asleep, she let her thoughts wander to the green haired girl she felt so deeply towards. It had become her routine, her guilty little pleasure, to let herself imagine what could be if she just told her how she felt, what she wanted. But she didn’t want to lose what they had. What if she didn’t feel the same and suddenly felt too awkward to keep up the flirty banter? Or worse, what if she felt exactly the same and they started dating, only to lose that spark they had. She shook the thoughts out of her head - thinking like that wont do her any good. But then again, neither will imaginary scenarios filled with light touches and gentle kisses. It didn’t take her much longer to fall asleep fully, with Crystal’s hoodie hanging loose on her small frame and her perfume comforting her senses.

Two weeks passed after the lockdown was lifted, and the small group had met up countless times, trying desperately to make up for lost time. Gigi and Crystal stood next to each other, taking in each other's presence but barely talking. They were so scared to ruin what they have by speaking, they were just ruining it by avoiding each other. Everytime they returned back to their apartments, they would spend their time drowning in thoughts about the other, dreaming up the things they weren’t bold enough to do in real life. 

Crystal hated the silence. She had gotten so used to calling, so used to spending her waking hours on the phone with Gigi: chatting, laughing, flirting. She kept waiting to hear her phone to ring, or to get a text. She just wanted something. Something to show that what they had was still there. And as if Gigi could read her mind, despite being blocks away, she got a text.

goodemorning: hey. i’m gonna call u, if that’s ok?

Crystal could feel Gigi’s hesitation from the way she had typed out the message. Gigi was just as scared as she was.

CRYstal: ...when has it ever not been ok? ofc u can call b

The call was slow. And awkward. Their dialogue was stilted and it felt like they were walking on eggshells around each other, their new dynamic being achingly polarizing. They tried to idly chat about nothing, just like they would have three weeks ago, but to no avail. They both knew they were holding themselves, and each other, back.

“Ok, no, I can’t deal with this anymore,” Gigi took a breath before continuing. Crystal froze up. “Listen I’m just gonna say this; what are we? I mean, we talked so much on lockdown, like, so fucking much and then all the flirting started, I mean, you call me babe for fucks sake, so, what does it all mean? Because this isn’t how friends act, Crys, you know that, right? This isn’t how ‘just friends’ act around each other, you had to have known that. You had to! Cause God knows I do, far too well.”

Gigi hadn’t expected to sound so angry. She wasn’t angry. Or maybe she was? She couldn’t really tell anymore. All she knew now was she felt horrid watching the tears prick behind Crystal’s eyes at her words, and instantly wanted to go back in time.

“Hey, no, don’t be upset. Look at me, I’m not mad, ok? I’m not mad. I’m just confused. I just want to know what’s going on because it’s just too much right now, so please just, talk to me?”

Crystal took a breath. She had been waiting for this moment. Waiting for one of them to finally acknowledge that there was something more going on here. There was no going back now - so that's why Crystal asked:

“Why don’t we try a date? We could go grab some coffee or something. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work and we can go back to being just friends”

In reality, Crystal hated the idea of it not working. She would do anything to keep their relationship as is. The flirting, the electric touches, they kept her going. Made her feel wanted. Gigi agreed to the offer in an instant, letting out a breath she was holding and physically relaxing at the way the unspoken had finally been spoken.

But they were still both terrified.

Crystal was the first to arrive at the small cafe. It's a quaint little shop - quiet, not too empty nor too full. Perfect for a first date. In theory. In practise, the first date has more to do with the compatibility of those in attendance. This shouldn’t have been a problem for Crystal and Gigi, they could spend hours and hours talking to each other from the safety of their bedrooms. Apparently doing this in person is easier said than done.

Gigi walked in nervously and Crystal was overwhelmed the moment they locked eyes. Gigi joined her at the table she had taken up in the corner. They sat opposite each other. The tension could have been cut with a knife. Crystal sipped on her tea she had ordered not long before, and Gigi stood up slowly, announcing she’d get herself a drink.

When she sat back down, the conversation didn’t pick up as well as they had hoped. It didn’t really pick up at all. Suddenly they were reduced to simple small talk, as if they had never even met before. Crystal could feel Gigi’s knee touching hers under the table. It didn’t spend sparks flying through her body. She felt uncomfortable. She didn’t know what to say anymore, it was like the title of this being a ‘date’ had taken every word out of Crystal’s mouth. The thing was, she still felt so strongly to Gigi, she wanted more than anything to have that cliche moment of figuring out if a kiss goodbye on the first date was too much, of laughing at stupid jokes, of interlocking picky fingers until they’re bold enough to preoperly hold hands. She wanted that with Gigi. But she felt awkward, like their chemistry had vanished.

Gigi wasn’t any help either.  She would stare off, deep in thought. But it wasn’t like how she had stared before. No, before she would stare at Crystal with what might have been described at love in her eyes. Pupils wide, smiling contently. Now she looked right through Crystal, trying to come up with something good to say, but coming up just as empty as Crystal had. While the date wasn’t completely silent between them, it was undeniably awkward. Unlike any interaction they’d had before.

When Gigi finished her coffee, she left. Excused herself and apologised that the date hadn’t lived up to expectations. Neither knew who, or what to blame for it. Crystal didn’t leave straight after. She sat there for a while, ordering another tea and letting herself get lost in her thoughts. Just as she felt tears behind her eyes, Jan walked in. Despite the fact that she was still in the corner, feeling small as ever, the blonde spotted her instantly, her face falling when she saw Crystal’s glassy eyes. As soon as she had her latte in hand, she sat down by Crystal.

“What happened. Why are you alone? Did someone stand you up? Oh my god I’ll kill them. Do you want a hug?” 

Jan had never been the best at comforting upset friends, her constantly high energy often not matching the mood of the room. Crystal didn’t mind. They had all gotten used to it, and knew the myriad of questions she would ask came from love. Crystal let out a sad giggle at Jan’s energy despite the situation, and nodded to say, yeah, I do want a hug.

Jan always gave the best hugs. She held on tightly, giving a little squeeze every now and again, as if trying to either take her friend’s pain away, or pass on some of her own happiness. When Crystal started lightly crying onto her shoulder, Jan just hugged tighter and whispered to her that it would be ok, and that she wasn't going anywhere. She waited for Crystal to pull away first, and when she did, she wiped her tears with her thumb and gave her the softest look.

“I had a bad date”

Neither Crystal nor Gigi had mentioned their date to their other friends, but Jan wasn’t surprised when she started to tell the whole story of what happened. The two girls spent a couple hours in the corner of the coffee shop, Jan refusing to leave until Crystal was back to laughing and smiling again. She couldn’t do anything to help Crystal and Gigi sort themselves out, but she could be a shoulder to cry on. And sometimes, that's all you need.

When Gigi had left, the first thing she did was ring Jackie. She explained everything, from how much they had talked in lockdown, to the failed date. Gigi was confused. Jackie somehow wasn’t.

“Y’all are forcing it. You made this connection when we were all stuck inside, and now suddenly things are different. You’re trying to act like things aren’t. Of course it’s gonna be awkward. But if you stick to that stupid ‘stick to being just friends if the date fails’ agreement, I’m kicking both your asses”

Trust it to Jackie to make some sense of the situation. 

After the date, Gigi and Crystal were scared to talk to each other at all - flirting or not. This is what they were scared of, and yet neither were bold enough to make a move to get them out of it. A few weeks passed, and they had barely exchanged a few words. They would steal glances at each other during group outings, but the other never seems to notice, or at least not pay attention like they used to. Crystal remembered when Gigi would purposely brush her hand on her thigh when they were sitting next to each other.  Gigi remembered when Crystal would wink when she caught her staring. They didn’t do that anymore.

The last week of summer had the four friends buzzing with excitement - Pride was finally happening! It was supposed to happen much earlier, but couldn’t go ahead due to the lockdown. Everyone was beyond pleased when they found out Pride had only been postponed and not cancelled, and would be taking place at the end of Summer instead. Jan, Jackie, Gigi, and Crystal didn’t even have to ask for them to go together - they had been going as a group every year since they had come out to each other. Over the years, they started to get more and more excited for the event.

It was surprisingly warm despite the time of year, but it allowed the group to enjoy the sun. The energy of pride was hardly ever dampened, but it was often a bit more difficult to have as much fun when it rained, or if it was a little too cloudy. That, thankfully, wasn’t the case this year. The four met up an hour before the parade, just as they did every year. Gigi and Crystal were scared of ruining each other's fun, worrying that their presence would make the other feel awkward. But somehow, the atmosphere surrounding them threw that possibility out the window as soon as they locked eyes. Each girl had dawned rainbow colours, and Gigi had done the most beautiful pride-inspired makeup. Crystal was in awe.

As the morning passed, the group had visited every stall, collecting an array of freebies. Each girl had an arm filled with multi coloured wristbands and were starting to warm up to the day ahead. Gigi and Crystal stood next to each other, brushing their arms up close and smiling intimately at each other. Now when Gigi stared, Crystal stared right back, winking in the exact same way she had before. Somehow it wound Gigi up more than she was used to. By noon, the pair were joined at the hip, hands intertwined like their lives depended on it. Conversations flowed naturally, and Gigi was back to hearing the laugh she had grown to love over the past few months.

In the early afternoon, Jan and Jackie left to ‘get some food’ while Gigi and Crystal stayed on the huge field, periodically getting themselves another drink. In their tipsy state, the girls couldn’t help but giggle at their friends' departure, knowing fully well they didn’t leave to get something to eat (well, food at least). Neither girl was accustomed to drinking during the day, but pride was an annual exception, so they allowed themselves to get a bit tipsy - it was pride after all. Barely anyone was 100% sober, and if they were, it was usually because they weren’t old enough to buy any alcohol.

Later on in the day, they found a small tent, music blasting from speakers inside it and filled with people dancing like nobody was there. Crystal pulled Gigi in, giving her no other option but to dance with her. They stayed in the tent for an hour or so, bodies getting dangerously close as the time progressed, but neither girl was complaining. It was as if they were daring each other to come closer and closer.

They left the tent when the main stage started to gather a bigger audience, opting to join everyone else on the open field. Their hands stayed intertwined as they danced and sang along to the live music , the buzzing atmosphere egging them on to stay impossibly close. Crystal found herself looking at Gigi more than she did at the stage, feeling hypnotised by the way she smiled. It was a smile she Gigi wasn’t even thinking about - she was truly happy, enjoying herself by Crystal’s side. Crystal smiled just as wide and just as truthfully. 

The pair decided to move to the back of the crowd when Gigi started complaining that her feet hurt. While it was the truth, it was really just an excuse to sit down with Crystal, who put her head in her lap the second she sat down. Gigi found herself not caring about the grass stains this time. The sun had started to set, and cast a dreamy golden light on the pair as they began to sober up and take a moment to relax with each other after the crazy day.

They fell back into their rhythm quickly, with Crystal’s head in Gigi’s lap and Gigi playing with her green hair. They were both so comfortable. So content. Happy. This is what they wanted, this is what they had expected for their date. However, Gigi had spent the whole day getting progressively closer to the other girl, and she was starting to get sick of coming to what seemed like a dead end. She decided it was time for that to change.

“You know Crys… I remember you promising to give me something when the lockdown finished, remember what it as?”

~

“When this is over, I’ll kiss you, don’t even worry about it” Crystal was only half joking. GIgi went red, but tried to act as if the thought of Crystal kissing her didn’t phase her at all.

“Oh will you now?”

“I’m not kidding”

“Well. I’d very much like that Miss Methyd”

~

She didn’t quite remember at first, but it didn’t take her long to understand exactly what Gigi wanted. 

“Well, I’d hate to not stick to my word”

“Then what are you waiting for?”

Crystal answered that question by bringing her face up to Gigi’s and planting a firm kiss on her lips. From the start it was certain, and wanting. They stayed like that for a while, letting the sounds of the music grow smaller until the only thing that existed was their touching lips and hands in each other's hair (well, Crystal's hair, Gigi had kept hers shaved after Crystal kept saying that she thought it was hot). When they pulled away, they didn’t say anything. Crystal rested her head back into Gigi’s lap and smiled up at her. Gigi smiled back.

Jan and Jackie joined the pair not long after, as if they had been watching and waiting for something to finally happen between them before they interrupted. And maybe they had been. But none of them seemed to care.

That night, Crystal went home with Gigi. They made up for lost time, taking in each other's presence and the way their bodies worked together as if they were made to fit, and they never let go of eachother until morning.

[jujywrites]

Always Falling Down, part I

This was part of a rarepair gift exchange. mricj and I got matched because sometimes u CAN manifest what u want for urself~~~

This is Rosawatts for sure, but also very poly, very id-ficcy and very long (just under 7k....). with a small part 2 pending because WE BUILT THIS SHIP WE SAIL IT HOWEVER WE WANT oh and a playlist (click plz~)

PS: the plotbunny emerged from "i thought you (loved me)" by livj707. One of my top 10 TTM fics and the rest of them are in there too!

AO3

FF.net

or keep reading

(Part II here)

~~~~~

~We hold on to the good times and the right now and the long nights~

Can you hear when I say "I have never felt this way"? (I can't see you and me and her without each other)

Roxie

You were 8 or 9 when you realized that you responded to people’s emotions in an unusual way. Your mom’s anger made you feel like there was a small fire in your belly, no matter the amount or what the anger was directed at. Her joy when hummingbirds visited the garden you both made to attract them made you feel invincible. When she felt sad, everything looked gray.

So what, you thought. She was your mother; of course you’d be attuned to her mood. The same with the rest of your family. But there was a slight wrinkle in that logic— you sensed the emotions of your friends at school, and that affected you similarly, if with less intensity.

Soon after realizing that, though, came the realization that even friends of friends, even complete strangers, had emotional signals that you picked up without trying. You brought this up with one of your dad’s sisters (one of your favorite family members, were you ever pressed to admit it), because you couldn’t quite stomach having your mom worry about you. You were pretty sure what happened to you wasn’t normal.

Your aunt introduced you to the term empath, said her wife had the same ability that you did. She taught you ways to handle the side effects (as she put it), how to channel and control it, to some extent. Even with this, though, things got more complicated as you grew older. People’s emotions got louder.

The maelstrom this caused in you was nigh unbearable and (luckily?) manifested itself as stereotypical moody teenage behavior, when you weren’t wrestling with the attendant physical ailments. That led you to what’s turned out to be a lifelong interest in astronomy and stargazing. Or more accurately, it increased your at-the-time budding interest exponentially. Others’ emotions couldn’t sink their hooks into you, not when your mind was buried in a book or when you were alone outside on a clear warm night. Stargazing served as meditation, too, and slowly you gained a better grasp on this whole empath thing.

That was how you met Neil. He lived in another school district; somehow both of you claimed a little park in town as a prime stargazing spot. He said his gramps took him gazing every summer, and Neil found he wanted to do it more often than that. You didn’t know much about him besides that and some shows and video games he was into, but that was hardly a deterrent to your talking a blue streak in the rare times when both of you were done watching the sky. You talked about your hobbies, how school went, how your little brother was doing, what music you were obsessing over. You told him everything except your biggest secret, and even though he didn’t always acknowledge it all, you could feel he took it all in. He was the first person who had ever done that.

Then he moved away with hardly a goodbye, and that was that. You remember feeling hurt and sad for longer than a day, maybe a week or two, but time has worn away the memories of how you felt. College, of course, was the next big chapter in your life, when your present-day reputation for being bubbly and carefree developed. That had always been with you; college life simply made you turn it up to eleven, a coping mechanism of sorts in navigating the world as an empath.

Strange how the peace you found back then has led you right back to that feelings maelstrom, into the difficulty of parsing what belongs to you and what doesn’t.

You didn’t see Neil until you got to SigCorp, at which point all the moments he was in your periphery during training slapped you across the face, along with hazy childhood memories.

“You’re Roxie, right?”

And all the years without him collapsed together. Maybe you didn’t see much of each other, but your friendship still easily restarted, helped along by your shared sphere of work.

You’d say he’s your best friend, if you were asked.

Meeting Eva was a different kind of slap.

You could count the number of crushes you had on one hand, your relationships on six fingers. You hadn’t felt love yet.

You fell fast and hard for Eva. Then you got back up, and cut that off quicker than breathing, because no way would someone as cool, collected and straight-laced as her would ever be interested in you. (Plus, you had no idea if she was queer and that’s not something to ask someone you just met.)

And then there was Neil.

The two of them had capital-h History, obvious from the moment you saw them together. If anyone knew how much time you spend thinking about your friends’ relationship, the effort you put into trying to push them together, how much time recently you’ve invested in worry (especially over Eva, but Neil too) you’d get therapist recommendations at the very least—

It’s not just wishful thinking. Your empathy gives you a sixth sense as to which people are meant for each other, and/or are dealing with feelings towards each other (which also gave you a leg up in office gossip). And Neil and Eva fit so well; that’s why they were paired together, why you convinced Rob they should be a team, despite how much you liked working with her. Not that he needed convincing. That’s how obvious their compatibility was. And yes, this was despite their bickering (and Neil’s pranks on his partner).

What drew you to Rob, as a colleague and as a person, and helped you decide to permanently partner with him, is how quiet his emotions are. He’s hardly unfeeling, despite what others (like Neil) might say. No, it’s just that his emotions are blissfully subtle. Sometimes when you feel them flare up it’s like a gift.

His emotions toward you aren’t subtle, not these days. And sometimes you feel terrible for relying on him as much as you do. But that’s another thing.

Eva

The cases that go wrong from the beginning are always easier on you than the ones that go wrong when you’re so close to closing them out. Talking to loved ones afterwards is the common denominator, the same intensity of pain no matter what went wrong when. But you’ve grown used to that pain, used to letting it glance off your skin because this is your job, and perfection is impossible.

You thought you had, anyway. The case you failed barely twenty minutes ago, the one from which you’re walking to the car with Neil now, found a chink in your armor. A stupid rookie-level mistake that both of you believed you’d fixed came back to bite you; you almost didn’t log out of the machine before your client flatlined. You owned up to it, the client’s brother took a swing at Neil and tried at you, and the only reason you’re both out of there alive is the brother’s wife calming him down.

There’s still paperwork to finish. You did the bare minimum before getting the hell away from that place. And Neil has one whopper of a black eye that he’s too bullheaded to do anything about, because he had a spare pair of glasses and that makes everything just fine.

In the car, the practically-visible wall between you and Neil is even more unbearable given the post-case mood, and it makes you feel sick. This is far from the first case you’ve failed, with or without him. Hell, it’s not even the first case involving bodily harm directed at either of you. It still feels like the last straw. But you’re not going to quit, you tell yourself. Someone has to keep fighting.

Neil may have stopped trying, but there’s nothing stopping you from fighting enough for you both.

Robert

For the most part, you’re an analytical person. You’re able to compartmentalize your thoughts from your emotions, and often able to see past others' emotions to what might be eliciting them. And that’s why your work at Sigmund fits you so well, why you chose memory traversal over being a tech, as much as machines in general and Sigmund’s in specific interest you.

Your personality and Roxie’s make you an excellent team. Even though her default mode is happy-go-lucky, you’ve been partners long enough to know that she’s the kind of person who can feel everything, all at once, and weather it. That talent must have always been there, under the surface; it’s probably what drew you to her in the first place.

Being able to compartmentalize, however, only gets you so far. You’re hardly immune to base emotions, yours or others’. You get frustrated when you know something is wrong, someone’s having a problem, and that your clear-headed distance from the situation isn’t helping fix it.

Watts and Rosalene, one of your best teams, one of the best you’ve ever seen since you joined Sigmund, have been backsliding for some time. Their ratio of completed cases to failed ones is still good (and they’ve had some brilliant successes), but their previous case was a failure and the mood leading up to their next one is not promising, to say the least. They’ve had innumerable rough patches, no question, but even you can tell there’s a good bit of the personal getting muddled with the professional in this patch. You’re in the unenviable position of having to monitor them, getting closer to explaining to the higher-ups why they are still viable.

Viable. What a cold word. Makes you clammy to think of it in reference to your colleagues. Your almost-friends. It’s... bothersome, to see them fracturing, or whatever less-ominous thing might be happening.

On top of that, there’s something off about Roxie. A dimming of her natural light. The only other time that’s happened is when her brother got sick; he’d been in dire straits before he recovered, and the recovery had been hard.

You know this because Roxie told you. You seem to be good at listening. If only you weren’t abysmal at asking. Not that Watts— Neil— would divulge anything, and Rosalene— Eva— seems even less likely to.

You’d ask Roxie but with her, you’re terrified of not knowing what to say.

Neil

You could’ve decked that guy. Definitely could have. For once it isn’t braggadocio— the things he said about you and Eva made you see red. He telegraphed really badly too, so you could sidestep him (he was like two feet taller than you and you aren’t a total idiot), but taking a swing at Eva?! Good thing the guy’s wife stepped in or things would’ve gotten even more fucked. Because of you and for you.

Of course, with the adrenaline gone, your mutual antisocial...ness, toward each other (what? You can’t word when you’re tired) rushes in to fill the vacuum. It’s frigid out too, which is great. And your face kind of—

“Ah, fuck me,” you mutter as your piece-of-crap company car decides to break down in the middle of an empty road.

Eva sighs epically. Her breath clouds. “Shit.”

Ha, she legit swore.

Your momentary amusement is bulldozed by the inconvenient need to talk. The second you’re alone alone with her, in lulls before or after cases, in downtime at the office, the words bubble up in your throat, more insistent every time. And every time you try to open your mouth, they disappear. It’s been like this for weeks, ever since The Incident.

She found the not-from-Sigmund company letter. She found the (other) pills. Unlocked door or not, you haven’t forgiven her for the breach of privacy. She hasn’t forgiven you for keeping (those kinds of) secrets from her. And here you are now.

You don’t know how much more you can take.

Eva speaks before you can get your voice working. “I’m calling Roxie.”

“How?” Flipping open your phone, you glare at it. “No reception out here.”

“We passed a payphone on the way here. Shouldn’t be more than a 5 minute walk.”

You just gape at her while she bundles up in her scarf and hood. “It’s minus fifty!”

Her eyes meet yours for half a second. “Don’t exaggerate, Neil. Not tonight.”

And, predictably useless, you watch her get out of the car and start walking, snowflakes shining around her in the dimming headlights.

Roxie

One of the things about being an empath is, it’s easier to tell when someone’s romantically interested in you. (Too bad there’s no one-night-stand-interest sensor.) That feeling has a certain color to it, distinguishing it from friendship or dislike. And it’s the reason why you haven’t dated much. Every time you’ve felt it, it’s been like a flipped switch, a lightning bolt, leaving you unprepared and uncomfortable every time. Sometimes it’s been because you don’t return their feelings, sometimes because you need a few days to adjust to the idea. Even with one of the ones you liked back (a post-college roommate, because you may be an empath but that doesn’t exempt you from so-called clichés), it petered out eventually when you didn’t fit together anymore.

With Rob, it’s different. So subtle you don’t realize right away. And so soft it’s easy to lean into and pretend you don’t quite know how he feels, keep your already intimate friendship separate from that other kind of intimacy.

You like him. Want to like him as more than a friend, the way he likes you. If you could only let go of your ridiculous double crush.

There’s only so much room a heart should have, anyway.

Eva

The incongruity of using payphones hits whenever you have to use one, which thankfully is extremely rare. You’ve learned the hard way to keep a small stash of quarters within easy reach on cases, whether they’re located in the boonies or not. Even with gloves on, your hands are so cold that there’s a lot of fumbling involved in getting them into the machine, more fumbling while you pull up Roxie’s contact info on your phone. Not that you need to; you’ve got it memorized. She’s picked you up more than once.

It hits you square between the eyes this time, so you can’t ignore it: Roxie’s been like emotional glue, from back when you were a greenhorn changing partners every couple of weeks to now. She was the constant for you back then, and then became your tech specialist for a hefty amount of cases until you got paired with Neil. She’s patched things up several times when you wanted to strangle him, by talking you down, or being a mediator, or just listening to you rant. And since tonight is turning into one giant negative thought spiral, you get stuck on how much emotional support you’ve taken from her without giving anything back, alike or different. After this, well, you have to come up with something. A restaurant gift card? Ice cream from that new place down the road from yours? Why is food the only thing you can think of? True, food has meaning, but you sh—

“Hello?”

“Roxie. It’s me. Eva.”

“Hey! What’s up?”

“Hope I didn’t wake you,” you say on automatic. Nope, she’s probably—

“Nah, binging a few Shadow Junction episodes before hitting the hay,” she replies with a giggle.

Over this line, the brief silence is crackly. “I need a favor. Our car died on us…”

“Oh my god wait, you just finished a case!” There’s some scuffling and a small thump; when she speaks again her voice is closer. She must have taken you off speaker. “Where are you? I’ll pick you up ASAP.”

You give her a handful of landmarks, the compass direction. With the dark, the gathering snow, your barely-held-back exhaustion, you're starting to think you might be back in the simulation.

Your hands hurt. At least they still have feeling.

“There’s a storm coming, isn't there? Are you okay?”

“Tired. Cold. But, yeah, okay.”

“Hey, Eva?” Hearing your name wakes you up a little; the weight in Roxie’s tone wakes you up more. “I’ll call a tow for you on the way, but do me a favor and don’t hang up.”

“Sure,” you whisper.

She chatters about the latest plot developments on Shadow Junction for a few minutes; you feel like you're absorbing some of the energy in her voice. Then she says, “I’m getting on the highway now,” and then she says, slightly more subdued, “Do you want to tell me about your case?”

Nope. “It went badly, that’s all.”

More crackly silence. Then: “I know I’m repeating myself, Eva, but… are you okay?”

I’m fine.

I’ll be fine when I’m back home.

I’m used to this. It’s fine.

You say, “I think I’m losing Neil.”

The metal of the phone booth bites into your hand even through the glove. “I… found some things I shouldn’t have.” Roxie can keep secrets, contrary to her reputation. This one shouldn’t be her burden, and so you don’t share what you found. “He’s been conflicted about what we do for a while. I think he might be trying to leave Sigmund. And that’s his prerogative, but I just—”

You trained together, joined Sigmund together, starting planning to join Sigmund together. It’s been an enormous part of both your lives, and now you’ve been a team almost as long as your dream to be a part of this company existed. If Neil walks away, what will you have left?

Roxie. Robert. The McMillans. Eddie, Lisa, Logan. You won’t be alone, and you still have your purpose to guide you. But...

You were so certain you’d see that purpose through with Neil at your side, you don’t see how it would possibly be the same. How you could be the same. Sure puts a dent in your faith that you’re your own person.

You can’t simply ask him to stay. Some small irrational part of your brain thinks bringing up the subject at all will make it come to pass. And those pills. If he does leave, if Sigmund is part of his will too, what if—

You wipe at your wet cheeks and nose. “He’s my partner. I need to fix this, and I don’t— I don’t fucking know how.”

Your voice doesn’t sound nearly as broken as you feel.

Robert

It’s another night of Roxie on your couch, eating takeout from your favorite place and watching a movie together. Neither of you have defined your relationship. You’re fine with that, and you think she is too. And yet...

“Roxanne, I—” You love her, have for a long time now. But you’ve seen how she looks at Eva, and at Neil, and you know she doesn’t have room for you right now, don’t know if she ever will.

You had a chance. You realized your feelings for her well before she fell in love with them (or at least before she began to show signs). The obstacles were too many: she’s half your age, you work together but are sort-of kind-of boss and subordinate. All true. All excuses, too, because you weren’t brave (stupid) enough to take that chance.

But she’s come to you for comfort, and you aren’t an asshole; you won’t deny her that because she has a different measure of your relationship. You love her. You would care for her even without that.

Then she kisses you, and she says, “I’m sorry,” and curls up against you.

Roxie

You’re making a mistake, and you don’t care.

You needed that kiss. It soothed these pangs, this hollowness that’s grown over the past few weeks from whatever is going on between Eva and Neil. And the way Rob’s emotions have started to swirl feels dangerous. Addictive. You want more of that, the power to make his emotions dance with one touch.

It’s getting harder to ignore the voice calling you an awful person.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble into his chest. “I know, in every rule book ever made, that I’m leading you on. But I’m not trying to! I’m so sorry. I…” You swallow, sudden clarity hurting your throat. “I think I want to be with you. But, Neil and Eva…”

Saying their names brings fog back over you, reddened by wine. “I can’t explain it,” you whisper, arms around his shoulders. “I can’t... decide.”

You can’t give Rob what he deserves, what you finally know you want to give him, if you can’t make your mind up.

“We’ll figure it out.”

Despite the uncertainty you can practically taste, it feels like a promise. He holds you tighter, and you let yourself sink into him.

Neil

You’re tired, exhausted, and that makes your brain go all overdramatic, but even with that you’re pretty sure this is the shittiest night of your life. You can’t talk to Eva, and she won’t talk to you, and now you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere trying not to freeze to death, watching her freeze to death while she waits for Roxie to rescue both of you from freezing to death. The least you could do is stand by Eva and suffer with her. Then again, maybe she’d rather turn into an Evasicle in peace right now.

You resent how much this case haunts you. You resent even more your inability to walk away from Sigmund and from Eva. They wouldn’t care, but she (probably) would. Does. You wish that didn’t matter so much to you. It shouldn’t anymore, after what she did. The one time you don’t lock your office door. Like a goddamn house of cards. If she’d told you right after instead of sitting on it for a few days, making you wonder what the hell was wrong with her…

You’re such a hypocrite, with all the secrets you’ve kept and keep.

Everything feels gray. Heavy. Tunnel vision, maybe, from the cold and your lack of sleep. Stepping out into the wind chill would probably help you stay awake at this point, except you’re not so far gone as to actually follow through on that.

Eva’s left the phone booth and is standing in the snow, hood blown off from the wind, and she’s too bullheaded to pull it back up. You stare at her hair streaming out, your eyes grow blurry from snowflakes, and your thoughts drift back to distant nights spent with a talkative girl who shared your love of stars.

Roxie

You’re up late at home, watching the Shadow Junction episodes in your queue, when Eva calls you, voice tinny over a payphone. You can’t sense emotions tangibly without being in person, but her and Neil’s voices have a similar effect on you regardless, by now.

You talk with her until you’re on the road.

Something’s wrong besides their dead car, and Eva reveals the tip of the iceberg. You’re relieved. Your instinct hasn’t yet devolved into paranoia.

“He’s my partner. I need to fix this, and I don’t— I don’t fucking know how.”

The turnoff to where they are is coming up. “I can’t imagine how that must feel,” you say into your head mic. A white (gray?) lie. Her pain is making it hard for you to breathe. “But I’m getting you back to the office, and we’ll go from there. One step at a time. Okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

You call the tow place as soon as you end her call. After that, things blur together until your car meets theirs.

The snow hasn’t stuck; it’s the light, fluffy kind that would be nice in another time and place. You can see Eva and Neil hunkered down in their seats.

You can’t get out of your car fast enough.

Eva’s first to get out once you reach them. She hugs you, and, yeah, you could probably die happy now. You’re such a mess.

“Thank god for you, Rox. Seriously.”

You’re such a mess. Neil’s relief nearly makes your knees crumple with its warmth, but there are... layers to it. Those layers and the ever-present knot of worry in your stomach keep you alert. Besides, it’s not (won’t ever be) the time or place to let them know everything you’re feeling. So you smile past your shivers and wave off his comment. “No problem. Of course I’ll bail you guys out of this weather!” Then you force your offer of a ride back out of lungs tightened with the fear that they’ll know what lies behind it. “Brought you some cider. Blankets too. To thaw you out for the paperwork, y’know.”

They accept. Of course they do; they don’t have a choice. If either of them suspect anything they aren’t showing it and dear god you are so overthinking this. “Tow truck should be here any minute, if you don’t mind waiting a bit longer.”

“You have heat in your car. That’s all I care about,” says Neil, and Eva says, “A few minutes more doesn’t matter.”

Then she puts her hand on his elbow as they walk the short way to your car, and all your stupid mushy probably-touch-starved brain can think is, there’s hope.

They settle in the back instead of splitting up over the passenger seat, and dumb hope unfurls further in your chest. You waste no time in unfolding blankets and handing them each a thermos. Eva acknowledges with a grateful smile, and you pretend not to notice how Neil flinches when you drape the blanket over him. You ignore the flashing burn when your hands meet their bodies, ignore how fast your heart is beating.

You have a plan, even though it’s a selfish one.

Eva

Roxie still believes her bright shiny mask is impenetrable, but you know her better than she thinks you do; something is worrying her. A lot. And here she is, practically saving both of your lives, and trying to hide it so you don’t feel any worse—

You’re faced with the sudden urge to kiss her.

She’s been a shoulder to lean on, a friend, a good friend. Why did this feeling burst through now? Did the weight of what you and Neil failed to do, the weight of what you know and what he’s not telling you, crack and cause this shift?

(What would she think if you tried?)

You push the urge away, but feel it beaming through when you take your first sip of cider.

Maybe in another life.

Robert

Roxie’s on the verge of breaking, and you can’t do one thing to help.

She stands by you, thermos in hand, while she waits for Eva and Neil to tie up some legalities and gather what they need. At this hour, the offices are silent to the point of suffocation. Having these three around is reminiscent of oxygen. Even so:

"I was really scared, you know?" she says, smiling, eyes painfully bright. "All I knew was I had to get them. So I did. They’ve been dealing with something tough and I couldn't ask them even though I wanted to and they were nearly hypothermic, Rob!" The noise that comes out of her is a shrill mockery of laughter. "So after they're done here, we're going back to my place. All of us. I don't want them to sleep alone. I'll hogtie Neil if I have to, I swear to god.”

There’s nothing you can say, so you just nod. And then you realize: there is something you can do.

You want Roxie to yourself, of course; most one-sided relationships are likely that selfish. You want her to be happy even more than that. So you excuse yourself to the bathroom, and then double back to the offices and poke through Eva’s ajar door, knocking on the jamb.

They’re both in there, which makes it easier for you. Neil’s already got a file folder stuffed with papers in his arms (which he nearly drops upon seeing you). You also notice the overnight bag next to him, and that Eva’s looking over hers.

(Of course. The weekend’s coming up. You should get your bag too.) That’ll make it easier for Roxie.

You’re also worried about them, so this isn’t only for Roxie’s sake. Eva looks like a shell of herself, and Neil’s posture seems to indicate he’s in pain.

“What’s up, Bob?” Neil plops the file folder into his bag. “We taking too long or something?”

You shake your head. “Take the time you need. I heard from Roxie tonight’s case didn't end well, so I thought I should check in.”

“We’re as all right as we can be,” Eva says, zipping up her bag. “And anyway, we’re done here.”

She stops when you don’t move from the doorway.

“She’s really worried about you two. I don’t know any details, but… go easy on her. She means well even when she’s overbearing.”

You turn and head back to the lobby, feeling overheated.

Neil

Roxie seems like a supernova in the frozen night (and if you weren’t half-frozen you'd be slapping yourself for your dumb metaphorical thoughts), and that light is enough, combined with Eva’s presence, to propel you into Roxie’s car.

You flinch because, somehow, her brief touch feels like it unlocks all your secrets. Ridiculous, because Eva got there first and you really hardly know Roxie.

The paperwork is second nature. You and Eva go to your respective offices; you squint as if that’ll make your handwriting look any less blurry (okay, guess your glasses need cleaning); at the last second you grab your overnight bag, and instead of heading back to the lobby you gravitate to Eva’s office and stand there like a dumbass while she finishes up.

You thump your bag on the floor. “Hey.”

“Hey,” she says without turning around.

You busy yourself with organizing your papers. But every so often you glance at her, and when you see she’s going through her overnight bag the urge to ask if she wants to stay at your place, or if you can stay at hers, is overpowering. Don’t ask, don’t— “Do you—”

There’s a knock, and of all people Rob’s standing there, as if tonight isn’t freaky enough. Still. Saved by the Bobert bell.

What he says, along with the sheer incongruity of his presence, knocks you out of your numbness for a few minutes. “Jeez,” you say once he leaves as fast as he came by, “he’s really got it bad for her, doesn’t he?”

A barely-heard whisper in your mind hisses, You should know.

She’s wearing an indecipherable expression. “I suppose so.”

It all makes slightly more sense when you get back to the lobby. Before you or Eva can open your mouths, Roxie’s talking.

“It’s been a really bad night for you two. I’ve been there, you don’t have to tell me anything, and... I won’t ask. But I’ve got a spare room and a couch at my place and you should take advantage of that for the night. I’ve already convinced Rob, and I won’t bother any of you, a-a-and I really think it’s for the best so, so please…”

As exposed as you’re feeling, you can see the appeal of staying at her place. It’s closer than yours, and yeah, okay, your brain cannot handle the logistics of dropping off and heading home. Besides, it’s pretty uncomfortable how upset she seems (even if it’s just about her sinking ship, har), and if this makes her feel better, well. You don’t know what’s going on, feel like you haven’t for hours, but you’re with people you know and who know you, even though they don’t know everything. There’s something to be said for having friends in the same line of work.

This rift between you and Eva hurts far more than you can admit to yourself, never mind anyone else. And even though Roxanne and Rob have no idea what’s happened, happening, between you two, them being with you feels like a bulwark holding back any further damage.

Maybe they might even help fix what’s broken.

Roxie could, maybesomehowsomeway. She seems like that kind of person, the kind who wants to fix people’s issues and is good at it, though who the hell knows where you got that impression. She’s standing closer, an arm’s length— a fact you only realize when she reaches up and takes off your glasses.

Roxie

You didn’t notice how close you’d gotten to Neil and Eva while you were talking, or that you’d been moving at all, until a shadow near Neil’s eyebrow catches your attention. At that instant, your accidental proximity doesn’t matter. Your heart stops for a split second. “Neil, your eye!”

“What about my—”

You remove his glasses. Eva gasps, like it’s A Bad Thing you just did (and okay, you can’t remember ever seeing his eyes before), and you can even sense Rob standing protectively close behind you. “Holy schnikes, Neil!” His right eye is nearly swollen shut, the bruise radiating nearly to his temple on that side and nearly across his nose on the other. “What happened?”

A tidal wave of guilt from Eva makes the room wobble, but Rob catches you.

“Sorry, more tired than I thought,” you say to their combined are you okays. Your nervous smile lands on Rob, who doesn’t look convinced. Still, he helps you upright silently.

Neil squints at you with his good eye. “What do you mean ‘what happened?’”

How can he not know? “It’s totally black??” You look from Neil to Eva and back, panic surfacing slowly. “It’s barely open??? Doesn’t it hurt?????”

Eva sighs, pulls a hand mirror from her bag, and holds it in front of him.

A pause.

“Huh,” he finally says. “Guess that explains why it’s a little harder to see.”

“Our client’s brother punched him.” Eva rubs at the bridge of her nose.

“He did not—”

“He said he was fine, but I thought he was just shrugging it off. I didn’t know he didn’t know! Don’t you remember your glasses broke?”

“He was huge! I dodged him easy! I…” Neil digs through his pockets indignantly for a few moments, then stops. “I don’t have my spare pair. Which… means that those…”

“Are your spare pair,” you finish gently, handing them back to him. “Neil, I think you might have a concussion.”

“Well, shit,” he says, at the same time Eva says, “That’s what I’m worried about.”

“That settles it.” You step back a couple paces, reluctantly. “You’re definitely coming back with me. I have ice and I have some bruise cream that’s pure magic, I swear.”

Neil huffs. “I already said I would.”

“You only thought it because I didn’t hear you.” You eke out a grin. “I’m not a mind-reader, you know!”

“Okay, well, this is my official yes let’s crash at your pad agreement.”

“Heard and acknowledged!”

Putting her bag over her shoulder, Eva says, “Then let’s go,” and leads the way to the elevators.

She and Neil take the backseat again, leaving Rob to sit in the passenger seat. Now that you’ve executed your plan, you seem to have lost whatever energy you had left.

The silence that falls, though, feels comforting instead of stifling.

~~~

The first step through your front door pulls a deep sigh out of you. Rob, Eva, and Neil’s various flavors of tension decrease slightly.

“I’m just gonna… stop for a minute.” So saying, Neil plops onto the floor in front of your stupid-huge couch.

“Sit wherever you like,” you say as you go to the kitchen for an ice pack.

You’re glad you turned the room into something slightly more presentable, even when you weren’t expecting three people to come by— cleaned up junky desserts from the coffee table, put pillows back, et cetera. You wrap a hand towel around the ice pack and bring it back to Neil, telling him to use light pressure. “I’ll go get the supplies.”

As soon as you flick on your bathroom light and see yourself in the mirror, your throat tightens with the need to cry. A few gasping sobs come out of you but, “Okay okay okay,” you whimper, clutching the sink rim, they’re here, you got them, you’ve made them safe now. “Get it together. Snap the hell out of it. You’ve got a job to do.”

You gather everything you think you need and then go back over it: disposable gloves, the arnica bruise cream, antiseptic wipes, washcloth, cup of warm water, 8-hour painkiller/swelling reducer. Then you splash off and dry your face, finagle all of it into your arms, and get back out there.

Neil’s made it onto your couch, probably because Eva’s sitting there now. She’s on his left. There’s space for you between them.

You’re friends. Colleagues. You’ve all been through highs and lows working at Sigmund, in parallel with each other. They can’t read your mind.

You unload your supplies onto the coffee table and take the seat.

Eva lets out a breath.

“Sorry for grabbing your glasses,” you say to Neil as you put on the gloves.

“Eh. Extenuating circumstances.” He shrugs. Takes them off. “‘Kay, do your worst.”

“I’ll be as careful as I can. First, these.” You hold up the wipe pack. “Your skin’s not broken so it shouldn’t sting, but I’ll make sure any excess is gone anyway. Oh—” You grab the pain pills. “Take these first, actually. I can get you water.”

“I have my own… water,” he mumbles, digging through his bag and retrieving a bottle. “Thanks.”

Once he’s taken the pills, you run the wipe all around the bruise, holding your breath while you dab at his closed eye. “Don’t move.” You wet the washcloth then and apply that, making sure no residue stays to get into his eye. That would suck.

“Okay, move if you need to. Magic cream’s the last thing!” You hold it up with a flourish. “Never had to use it on something this, uh,” you fumble for the word, “extensive, but I promise it’ll help.”

“Who died and made you Florence Nightingale?” he said with a chuckle.

You pause in the middle of daubing cream on your finger. “Who?”

“It’s an old reference. Really old. Like, my gramps knew the history, that’s how old.”

“Early 20th century nurse, I believe,” Rob says in a musing tone. “Founded the profession.”

“You’re almost as old as him, so you don’t count.”

“She opened the first nursing school, too,” says Eva.

“And you’re a nerd so you also don’t count.”

“She sounds pretty cool,” you say quietly; you’re close to Neil’s face again, applying the cream from the outside of the bruise in. “Glad someone’s remembering her, still.”

You don’t even notice the silence fall, you’re concentrating so hard.

Neil holds his breath this time when you put the tiniest amount of cream on and around his eyelids, using the barest pressure to rub it in and still wincing in his place.

You’re very close to him. Your hand tingles. Whatever’s charging the atmosphere is impossible to analyze.

“Um. All done.” You pull your hand away, look away, throw the glove into the little trash can under the table.

“Rox?”

You look back at him and try to breathe evenly.

“Just… thanks. For all this. And…” He leans forward to catch Eva’s gaze. “...sorry I got my head bashed in and forgot about it.”

“We should get that checked out tomorrow.” Her voice is worn, but her eyes are soft.

Your worry changes form in that instant, from low-key constancy in your veins to the choking kind of worry that comes from realizing you love them, are in love with them, your best friends who are in love with each other and either don’t know or can’t admit it. They certainly don’t have the room to accept your feelings.

You’ve known this for long enough; it’s hardly a revelation. But something about tonight has crystallized your feelings, made them impossible to bury. Now you know the origin of the physical ache that’s been dogging you for weeks, to the point of becoming a second skin, and you desperately wish you could do anything to ease Neil and Eva’s pain as much for yourself as for them. You just squeeze Neil’s hand, pretend Eva taking yours doesn’t stop your heart, and stare at Robert who graciously doesn’t stare back.

You nod, because you don’t trust your voice. But then you speak anyway. “We’re a team. Mismatched as we may be. We gotta stick together, you know?”

Looking at them both, you see Eva smile, and even Neil has a tiny flash of one when he says, “The four musketeers, or something?”

“Close enough.” Robert, soft, as he eases onto the couch next to Eva.

“No, exactly. One for all, and…” You swallow, looking at Neil, wishing so hard for Eva’s sake. “And all for one.”

Your hands left Eva’s and Neil’s to settle on the couch minutes ago, but now, almost synchronized, their hands cover yours again.

Every ounce of tension rushes out of you, in spite of the fact that your brain is in red alert mode, your heart’s beating fast enough it hurts, and heat’s flashing through you from head to toe.

Maybe one day you’ll tell Neil and Eva everything you feel. Maybe one day you’ll share your biggest secret with all three of them. But for now, all that matters is that you’re all together, safe for tonight, warm and dry. All that matters is the others’ emotions are blending into a shared, soft calm, that you’re almost, just about, being held by them. All that matters is that you all have each other.

For once in a long while, your mind is quiet.

[thatfanficstuff]

Strange Fates - 9

Pairing: Mikaelson brothers x reader

Warnings: nope

A/N: I didn’t feel like making a header so you get a kol gif instead. I’m still on vacay but wanted to post. enjoy.

***

Chapter Nine: Well, Hello There, Darling

Before the conversation could get much further, it was interrupted by the front door opening. Elijah sighed at the sound of arguing before giving you a tight smile. “It seems we are being graced with the presence of our younger siblings.”

The voices grew louder and you turned your attention to the doorway waiting for their owners to make their appearance. A tall blonde female with aristocratic features and a man with dark hair and eyes finally came into view. You ran your gaze over Rebekah first. There was no disputing her beauty though something about the way she carried herself told you that she was well aware of her appeal. She didn’t bare much resemblance to any of her brothers though you’d say she looked more like Niklaus than either of the other two if pressed.

Your attention shifted to Kol and you tilted your head as you took him in. He was as attractive as both his older brothers though there was something about him that screamed trouble. The sound of a clearing throat caught the attention of the bickering siblings and their conversation faded as they turned their attention to the rest of you. They seemed surprised to find the three of you sat at the table.

“I thought you were going to be gone for the afternoon,” Klaus said, irritation heavy in his voice.

Rebekah’s eyes ran over the length of you and her frown deepened. “My ability for tolerating Kol eroded much sooner than usual. Who is this?” 

“Rebekah, Kol, this is Y/N Y/L/N. Our soulmate,” Elijah explained. Nothing in his tone even hinted at him being affected by the oddness of the situation.

Kol’s brows shot up and he shifted his attention solely to you. As soon as those dark eyes met yours a shiver shot up your spine. “Did you say our soulmate, brother?”

It was Klaus that answered him. “Yes. It would appear Elijah and I have been gifted with the same soulmate. Be nice.”

A smile covered the younger Mikaelson’s face. “As if I would be anything but.” He sauntered over, closing the distance between you and taking your hand in his own. You gasped as that by now familiar heat flared beneath your skin. Seriously?

Kol’s smile turned down right predatory as he placed a kiss on the back of your hand. “Well, hello there, darling.”

He moved to take the empty chair beside you, his eyes never moving from you.

“This is a private conversation, brother,” Klaus bit out.

Kol left his gaze on you though his smile widened. He rolled up his left sleeve to show the now completed soulmark that sat just below the bend of his elbow. A fist slammed into the table causing you to jump. You turned wide eyes on a furious hybrid.

“Calm yourself, Niklaus,” Elijah instructed.

“You cannot be any happier about this than I am.”

Your gaze shifted to Elijah who graced you with a soft smile. “Of course, I am not happy. I’d much rather have her to myself. But all things considered, if she must be shared, at least it is between the three of us.”

“And what a bloody comfort that is.”

Klaus’ tone made your stomach churn and you rested a hand against your abdomen as you swallowed past the lump in your throat. You didn’t like this situation any more than they did but you had no control over it. And it wasn’t as if you could just pick one and forget the others existed. That wouldn’t be fair to any of you and you were certain it would break your heart. Even Kol who you just met had a pull on you like nothing you’d ever felt before meeting the trio of brothers.

“Let me see if I am understanding this correctly,” Rebekah said from the doorway. You’d forgotten she was even there. She motioned around the table with her finger. “The three of you all have the same soulmate?”

“It would appear that way, yes,” Elijah responded.

The silence stretched until it was broken by the blonde’s laughter. “This is perfect. Absolutely perfect.” She turned and walked off before anyone could respond. Or perhaps no one wanted to. At least someone was happy about your predicament.

The weight of the stares of all three brothers was a heavy burden to bear and you focused your attention on the now cold food on your plate. You’d been trying to accept all of this as stoically as possible but there was only so much you could take. Your life had been completely turned upside down in a matter of months. And the times you’d allowed yourself to contemplate having more than one soulmate you’d always assumed they would be compatible personalities. An alpha with a beta or two whose strengths complimented each other.

Instead you’d ended up with three very alpha Original vampire brothers. And while their relationship may prevent them from killing one another, it wouldn’t keep them from arguing over you. Plus, you couldn’t help but wonder what made the fates think you were special enough to warrant three gorgeous soulmates.

A hand on your shoulder caused you to jump and you glanced over to find Kol with a small smile and a question in his eyes. “I do hope I’m not a disappointment, darling.”

You shook your head immediately to ease his worries and glanced between the three of them. “This is all just a little overwhelming and unexpected, to say the least.”

“Of course, it is,” Elijah rushed to assure you. The look he shot his brothers dared them to argue with him. “We have no intention of rushing you into anything, sweet Y/N. Take your time.”

The corner of your mouth kicked up. “See, that right there is one of the things I’m worried about.”

“You’re worried about us giving you time, love?” Klaus’ brow furrowed as he frowned at you.

“No, I’m concerned about the fact that Elijah is speaking for all of you when I know he couldn’t have possibly spoken to Kol to get his opinion.” You sighed. “What if he doesn’t want to give me time, Elijah? Were you going to beat him into submission?”

Kol snorted. “I’d like to see him bloody try.”

Unable to help yourself, you huffed a laugh. “That’s my point. I don’t want to be the cause of any disagreement between the three of you. I won’t be responsible for destroying your relationship.”

The silence stretched and your gaze darted between the brothers as they contemplated your words. Predictably, Elijah was the first to speak. “My relationship with my siblings has always been…complicated. Even before we became what we are it was colored and corrupted by our parents. When things changed it became both more and less twisted. Our new status brought heightened emotions but also a new strength to fight against our father.”

“And each other,” Kol couldn’t help but add.

“Kol.” Klaus’ voice was low, a warning heavy in the tone.

“Oh, don’t start, Niklaus. You are the one that keeps stabbing us and putting us in boxes for decades at a time.”

Klaus’ jaw set and he refused to meet your gaze. “It was for your own safety, Kol. Mikael was still on the loose and hunting us all. Your actions were drawing unwanted attention.”

“Don’t pretend your actions were some noble gesture on your part. You wanted control and obedience and achieved it by whatever means necessary.” Kol stood and leaned forward, his hands resting on the table as he stared down his brother.

Elijah cleared his throat. “I believe you two are doing nothing but proving her point.”

All three brothers turned their attention to you once more and you shifted on your chair. Kol graced you with a soft smile. “Actually, we’re proving Elijah’s point. I believe what he was trying to say earlier is that we have always had our issues and it was unlikely your presence would make them any worse than they already are.”  

You tilted your head. “Oddly enough, that’s not very comforting.”

“Yes, well…” Elijah trailed off, leaving the fact you might as well get used to it unspoken.

“So, darling, how about you and I get to know each other a little better?” Kol asked as he pulled your chair away from the table.

“I think not,” Elijah answered for you. His jaw was tight as his gaze flicked between the two of you.

Kol chuckled. “I simply intended to take her for a drink, Elijah. Calm down.”

The elder brother hummed as he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his seat. “Don’t act as if I have no reason to question your intentions, Kol. I know you too well.”

Tension stiffened Kol’s body indicating a fight was about to start any moment. You shot to your feet, hands held up to stave off whatever they’d been about to say each other. “That will be enough of that.” You ran your gaze over the three of them again. They simply stared back waiting to see what you’d do. Your nature didn’t lend itself to being the center of attention. To being in charge. You were used to staying in the background. It kept your step-mother and her daughter from harping at you. It also made it easier to maintain your glamor if no one knew you well enough to pick up any mistakes.

All that being said, you also didn’t wish to listen to the siblings bicker any longer. Kol was right. You needed to spend time with them and get to know them away from one another. “Let’s start with a date and go from there.”

One of Klaus’ brows shot up. “With all of us?”

“Not at the same time, no.” Even the thought had your stomach sinking. You could just imagine a meal spent in silence with them glaring at each other across the table. Well, fates forbid anything be easy. “I’ll start with Kol as I know the least about him. Then Klaus followed by Elijah. It only seems fair.”

The look the siblings exchanged said they weren’t entirely in agreement with your assessment but they were smart enough not to voice their thoughts. “If that’s what you want, love,” Klaus said.

“For the moment, yes.”

Kol grasped your hand in his and lifted it to his mouth as he’d done earlier. He paused with your hand inches from his lips. “This evening then?”

You nodded to confirm and he grinned. Instead of kissing the back of your hand as you’d expected, he turned his grip at the last moment and pressed his lips softly to your wrist. A wave of heat rolled through you as Kol studied you through hooded eyes. Finally, he released you and stepped back. “Wear whatever you like, darling. I shall see you soon.” With that, he disappeared before you could ask any questions.

Your attention returned to the other two to see them still staring at the doorway their brother disappeared through. You cleared your throat. “I should go.”

They got to their feet. Elijah gave you a nod. “Of course.”

The three of you walked to the door in silence and Elijah opened it for you. Giving into impulse, you turned and gave them each a kiss on the cheek before you left. You hurried to your car, not chancing a glance back. Your life was about to get very interesting.  

[freedom-shamrock]

Hero Cafe - Chapter 3

Also on AO3

<<< See Chapter 1  << Go back to Chapter 2

Marinette scrambled down the stairs, gripping tightly to the railing to avoid crashing in a heap at the bottom. She dashed across the living room and yanked the apartment door open to reveal Luka. His hair was longer and he seemed a little taller than she remembered from their last visit, things she hadn't been able to see in their video chats. It had been too long.

"Luka!" she cheered, raising both arms up in the air.

He chuckled, pulling her into a tight hug. "Oh it's so good to see you, ma Melodie."

Her feet left the floor, and she responded to his exuberance by wrapping her legs around his hips and giggling. "Oh I've missed you so much."

His arms tightened around her and his face nuzzled her neck, tickling her just a little. "This kind of welcome home is only going to encourage me to keep going away because you know I love coming back to this."

"Nooooo," she whined. "That's so mean." She gave him the best kitten eyes she could, something she'd become quite good at thanks to her exposure to Chat Noir.

He let out a slow sigh and loosened his hold, so she did the same. "I could never be that mean to ma Melodie. Not on purpose." He pressed his forehead to hers.

She found her feet touching the floor again. Despite all their joking about it, she knew he hated going away. It was a necessary part of building his audience though, and she wouldn't dream of discouraging it. He'd done a really good job using social media to build a following, but to really make it as a musician, he needed to put himself out there where people could see and meet him, not just hear him. It was a tried and true model, and it was already working for him. His shows in Paris could no longer be held in coffee shops and intimate venues, and he'd sold out the larger bars for his last few solo shows.

"How was this leg of the tour?" she asked, sliding her hands down his arms. She enjoyed the feeling of his beautiful muscles under her palms. "Any needless drama?"

Luka snorted. "I was providing backing guitar for Jagged Stone. That man thrives on drama."

"You're not wrong." Marinette had definitely seen that in her frequent stints as album cover art and stage costume designer for the rockstar. "I'm beginning to think drama is his muse," she suggested.

Luka let out a surprised bark of a laugh. "Oh god, I'd never thought of it that way. But you're so right!" He let go of her hands, reluctance clear in his movements. "Get your shoes on, Melodie. I've missed our walks."

Luka's returns to Paris, especially after the longer gigs on tour with Jagged, had developed into a routine. He'd check in with his ma and Juleka first, then he and Marinette would catch up as they strolled aimlessly through Paris. He'd join her family for dinner and they'd end the evening snuggling. Other than the catching up, it wasn't that different from many of their regular get togethers. Sure they hung out in her room, or his dorm content in each others' company as they worked on their own art forms, and sometimes they went out to eat, but all in all, they preferred the simplicity. There was enough perceived complexity in their relationship already.

By the time Marinette had shoved her feet into her sandals, Luka's guitar was strapped to his back. They'd learned early on that their greetings, especially the ones after long absences, were not compatible with sketchbooks or instruments. As she closed the door, he swept up her hand and brought it to his lips. She returned his smile, happy heat prickling in her cheeks as she shook her head indulgently at him. Luka wasn't a grand gestures man. He much prefered to provide a constant stream of everyday affection. Frankly, it was her preference as well, and she often accused him of being unaware of how much his mere presence, much less his continuous gentle touches, pet names, and unquestioning support affected her.

They held hands as they walked to their preferred cafe for this side of town. They wandered aimlessly, taking turns deciding when to cross the street or turn a corner. All the while they talked, catching up on the things they hadn't over the phone.

"Is your super secret project done?" he asked as they settled onto a bench in a quiet part of a park. It was early evening, and most people were rushing home from work, yet.

Marinette grinned. "Yes." She hadn't told him anything about the cafe she'd set up for the heroes, because she wanted it to be a surprise. When he was in Paris, he wore the miraculous of the snake, moonlighting as the hero Viperion. In fact, Sass was riding in her purse with Tikki right now, and she would slip the bangle on his wrist before too long. "I can't wait to show you."

He flashed her a bit of pouty lip, fluttering his eyelashes. "You're going to make me wait?" His voice wavered plaintively.

"Surprises are most fun when revealed at the right moment," she replied, reaching out to lightly tap his nose. "Surely you know that, Star."

He closed his eyes, a blissful smile on his face as he listened to a song only he could hear. Luka had turned out to be far more perceptive than anyone realized. She and Tikki felt he likely had a bit of his own magic tied in with that whole heartsong knack of his. He'd always known she was Ladybug, or almost always, and he'd realized that she was the new guardian. It was only when that added responsibility seemed too much for her that he revealed his secret knowledge and offered to be there for her in whatever way helped. Just having someone who knew, someone she could talk to, and who could balance her when she was spiraling had made a huge difference.

⁂

She'd shown the cafe off to him when they got back from their walk, and for the first time in their acquaintance he was truly speechless. Sure, there had been times when he couldn't find the right words, but this wasn't like that. He didn't have words, clumsy or otherwise. He'd rubbed his hands eagerly and grinned, fidgeting with giddy energy over each amenity she showed off.

After dinner with her parents, Luka happily helped Marinette bring the leftovers up. When they reached her room from the kitchen, she realized Chat Noir had been there. She rolled her eyes and shook her head at the brown paper wrapped bolts of fabric that hadn't been in her crafting area when they went down to dinner. 

"What's that?" Luka asked, following her lead and setting down his burden on her desk.

"Gifts from Chat Noir, most likely." She'd been trying to discourage him; she really didn't need anything in exchange for keeping the hero cafe running smoothly. Even if she wasn't the guardian, trying to take care of her team, she was grateful to the heroes of Paris. But that cat was a master at changing the subject and was incredibly slippery about getting out of promises.

"Ooooh," Luka murmured in a delicious low voice. "Gifts from the kitty cat, hmmmm?"

Her cheeks went hot. "It's not like that," she insisted.

Luka laughed.

"I keep telling him to stop…" she sliced through the tape with a sharp scissors, sighing in awe at the fabric hiding inside. He had such good taste in fabric, and an almost terrifyingly accurate understanding of what she wanted or needed at any given time. She knew he came from money, but she tried to feel at least a little guilty that he was giving her fabrics she'd coveted but couldn't afford unless they were part of a commission.

"I think it's exactly like that," Luka said, looking closely at the fabric, then smiling at her. "But you are amazing, Melodie, so it's not a surprise that he'd be wooing you."

She sighed, her shoulders drooping. She hadn't meant to encourage Chat Noir's boldly stated affection for her civilian side, but it would be a lie to deny that she didn't enjoy his flirting. He was sweet and a bit over-the-top, but nowhere near as obnoxious as he'd been when they were younger. It was nice to feel wanted, but she worried Luka would step even further back than he already had, and oh god she wanted him closer, not farther away.

"Oh, mo ghaol," he murmured, gently cupping her face in his hands.

His skin was warm against hers, grounding her in the moment. She met his eyes and her breath caught, stupid tears welling up. For the last two years they'd had this odd not-quite-dating relationship. They attended universities eleven minutes away from each other (by foot, and he usually biked), and they spent a ridiculous amount of time together… when he was in town. He'd spent so much in his second and third years, touring with folk, rock and even classical groups while attending lectures remotely. When it was clear that they had chemistry, and that they were definitely both interested, they'd talked about how that distance could come between people in a romantic relationship. They were both willing to risk their friendship on a romance, but only if the odds weren't stupidly stacked against them. So while their cuddles weren't remotely platonic, and they hugged and touched in a way that sent a distinct message, they were free to date others. But somehow in that time, neither had. He wouldn't accuse her of being unfaithful, because that wasn't an expectation he had. But she didn't want him to think he had competition, either.

He leaned in and kissed her forehead. "Let's put this food in the refrigerator so we can have a good snuggle on your bed. There's something I wanted to share with you." He smiled, and it was shy. "Questions I have for you. And I think this will all be okay then." He raised his eyebrows in question.

Marinette nodded, gulping down the sob that was trying to crawl out her throat. She snatched the rolls, since nothing would break if she dropped them and she always got extra clumsy when her emotions ran away with her. The cafe was quiet tonight. Not a big surprise. No one was on patrol, though that didn't mean there weren't heroes out and about. Chat had dropped by, after all.

That duty tended to, they settled on her bed, in a familiar and comfortable position. Her head rested on his shoulder as his arms encircled her. After a moment, she rolled toward him, pressing her face into his shirt.

"You okay, Melodie?" he asked as he gently rubbed her back.

She nodded. "You had something to talk about?" He'd probably gotten another tour offer. He'd only just gotten home and now he was going away again. She was proud of him, and so glad people were recognizing how amazing he was. But it still kind of sucked.

"Yeah." He took a deep breath. "I talked to my counselor right before I came home, and it looks like I'm done touring until after uni. Surprise."

She froze for a moment. Those were not the words she was expecting. At all. She raised herself up on her elbow to look him in the face.

He gave her a smile, sweet and soft. "I'm going to need to be on campus working on my final project, which is going to be a solo album and all the trappings that go with it. I have to do the marketing, the art, setting up a release party, promoting it with local shows, and all that budgeting crap. Conservatoire de Paris has been great about letting me do my music and get credit for performing while taking classes at a distance, but they want me here to do the final project."

She knew her mouth made a little o shape, but nothing came out. He wasn't going away. Not for a whole year. It was the best news. The sobs had been replaced by giggles that she fought to keep at bay. She didn't want to interrupt anything he had to say right now.

"Since I'm going to be in Paris," he said slowly. "And you're going to be in Paris." He lightly booped her nose with his pinkie. "I was wondering if maybe you'd be interested in revisiting us." He gestured between them. "Specifically negotiating what kind of relationship we could have."

"Yes." She nodded eagerly. "I'd like that."

He looked as happy as she felt. "I'll be around to help you balance your super secret side gig, though I think you've been doing a lot better with that lately." He grinned. "Then again, you have a whole team bending over backward to help and comfort you." He winked. "In both forms."

She gasped. "Luka!" She swatted at him gently. "It's not like that."

"It's totally like that," he insisted. "But that's okay, too. It makes me happy that you're getting all the love and attention you deserve."

She wanted to interrupt, but he was on a roll.

"And to help keep things from getting awkward later, I'm fine sharing you with them," he said. Nothing in his face or voice contradicted the statement. "If you want to date other people while you're with me, I get that. You're multifaceted, and I may not be everything you need."

She gawked at him.  "What?" She shook her head. She'd always felt that it was fine to be attracted to other people while being true to just one. "Why would you…"

"Just let me lay this out for you, Melodie," he said, brushing her cheek with his knuckles. "Let me tell you what I'm willing to go for if it means I get to be with you."

She sighed and nodded. "Fine."

"I'm okay with you dating the heroes of Paris," he explained. "Any and all of them while you're with me. Though if you're going to date beyond that group, I'd like us to talk about it first; not that I want veto power." He paused, looking contemplative. "I think it'll be easier for me to share you with them because you're their Ladybug, our Ladybug. Our guardian." He beamed at her. "Our most miraculous one."

⁂

I'm in Minnesota and have been under stay at home orders for 33 days. Fortunately I'm able to work from home, as is the hubby. Unfortunately his gig is full time and mine is part time, and the bulk of the MANAGING THE FAMILY burden (dinners, food supply, kid school, kid free time, cleaning, etc) has fallen to me. This means I somehow have LESS time to write. I have to tell you, it's making me insane. Last weekend I declared everyone my room mates and was not responsible for anything. HA. We are trying to fix the imbalance.

mo ghaol - Scots Gaelic for "my love"

If you’re so inclined, feel free to support me over on Ko-Fi

Check out Chapter 4 >>

[ansgar-martinsson]

The Best Intentions - Part 7

“You know, Joline, you remind me of someone,” Ansgar chuckled, lifting his fingers to wave languidly at the passing jogger. He laughed harder when said jogger did a double take and turned his head quickly away. “Someone I knew in America.”

“Really?” Joline replied. “I remind you of an American woman?”

He nodded. “You are very American in your demeanor, but in only the good ways.”

“In the good ways, huh?”

“Yes,” Ansgar bowed his head slightly. “In the good ways.”

“As opposed to like… the bad ways?”

Ansgar inhaled, his eyes widening. “Oh, there are many, many bad ways, believe me.”

“Like what?”

Ansgar snorted. “Like…,” he blinked, pulling down his lower lip in a slight cringe, “a bizarre obsession with American football and baseball, a love for tiger-piss beer, a craving for over processed foods, hyper-consumerism and and an overt label consciousness,” he frowned, still considering. “Not to mention a need to be considered independent paired with a constant demand to be pampered, kowtowed to, and fawned upon, and a tendency to be offended by the slightest thing and then post a crusade on Facebook about it. That sort of thing.”

She sucked air through her teeth. “Yeah, bad ways. I get it. So, who was she? This American in the good ways who I remind you of.”

“Her name is Kay. Kay Browntree. She’s in the construction business, a flooring contractor. Has her own business, very ambitious. But she has her boots on the ground for all of her work. Very hands-on. Grout under the fingernails and all that. I liked that about her.”

“A girlfriend?”

Ansgar sighed. “A potentiality that never came to fruition, I’m afraid. I was in Chicago on a project, she was one of my subcontractors. Unfortunately, I had to move on to another project across the country.”

“Why do I remind you of her?”

Ansgar lifted his eyes in thought. He crossed his legs as he twisted to face her, one arm draped languidly in his lap, the other remained perched atop the back of the bench. “Many reasons, I suppose. Kay makes me laugh – a rare thing indeed. She’s carefree. She gives zero shits about who I am, about my bank account or about appearances or personal hierarchies or societal proprieties. She speaks her mind, damn the consequences. She’s honest, transparent, hard-working, and driven. There’s nothing false about her. What I see is what I get. Much like you.”

In short, nothing like Faye. Nothing at all like Faye.

“Oh,” she intoned. “Tell me more.”

He laughed again, but his face softened. He reached toward her and brushed a lock of her dark hair away from her eye, drawing the soft strands gently between finger and thumb. “I see… I see a soft sophistication to you– a knowledge of art, a taste for luxury, an appreciation of the beauty in machinery and an admiration of the finer things. I see an innate grace in the way you move – in the way you shook out your hair when you took off your helmet, for example.” He shrugged. “She’s a lot like you in those ways as well.”

Her eyes widened, just that little bit, Ansgar noted, a microexpression of self-conscious surprise, a shiver at his touch. She shifted further on the bench, crossing one leg beneath the other, her booted foot dangling off the edge of the bench. She leaned against the back, her elbow hooked around the wood slat, her hand dangling just near her breast.

Ansgar couldn’t help but look.

And she caught him looking. She peered down at her own chest, and knowingly lifted her eyes back to him, her hand open in an indicative gesture. “Oh, I get it. Really, it’s just that she’s got great tits like mine.”

Ansgar choked, his eyes gone wide, his mouth formed into a hollow ‘o’. He recovered quickly, flipping a sardonic yet appreciative quirk of an eyebrow. “Noooo,” he crooned. “Yours are far better.”

It was her turn to choke. She sat bold upright, staring incredulously at him. “Excusemewhat?”

He formed his features into a comical ‘oops’ face, his eyebrows shot high, his lips puckered, his hand covering his mouth in a gesture of mock delicate prudishness. “Oh, did I say that out loud? Well. Hmmmmm.” His lips curled in a wicked half-grin. “That must mean that I find you sexy as well.”

“We’re doing brilliantly at keeping our partnership purely professional.” She dipped her head back to follow a bird in flight. “Nice alliteration.” “Thanks. It pops out sometimes.” She shifted on the bench, bending the knee under her to bring up to her chest. She tugged her foot as close to her bum, hugging her arms around it. Her other foot swung underneath the bench, her toes scraping an even tempo against the gravel. “Dad’s influence.” Ansgar saw her zealousness turn inward. The curse of loss taught him the same trick. He nearly opened his mouth to say something when she beat him to it. “He was American, you know,” she dropped in conversationally, without truly pausing to ask. “Got my guts, gumption, glory and grin from him.” A faux smile appeared, behind closed lips and a pensive look. “And my alliteration.” “But your surname… Lindberg, is Swedish, yes?” “My mother’s surname. My parents were… unconventional, never married, never lived in the same country. Scandalous!” She jazzhanded past that tidbit expecting outrage and judgement. When none came, she lifted her eyes to her companion. “Do you really want to hear all this? Or will you be reading the backs of your eyelids in sixty seconds?” Despite himself, Ansgar was intrigued by her. “Feel free to tell me as much or as little as you would like.” Jo’s eyes followed as a family of four chattered by, disrupting the atmosphere with all their ruckus. The baby cried, the toddler whined, the mother yelled and the father talked over all of them. “I’ll abbreviate. Dad worked for Zim International, that shipping company–” “I’m familiar with them. I held several contracts with them importing bamboo from Asia." "Oh, figures… all you executive types know each other.” He chuckled at the generalization, not at all offended by the stereotype. “I grew up here, near Gamla stan… until seventeen. I moved to America to go to uni, Norfolk it was, in Virginia. I stayed on there, graduated, worked, travelled…”

“And,” he flipped his hand, palm up in her direction, looking for another handout of information, “what made you move back here?”

Joline looked at him for a long moment, considering for as long as it took to make a decision on how much she should tell, how much was appropriate. She inhaled slowly, reciting the mantra on her arm over and over in her head.

Live life when you have it. Live life when you have it. Live life when you have it.

And so, she did. “I love my family; I needed them. I missed so much, my mother, my brother… He got married and had kids while I was away. I’d never met my sister-in-law. I didn’t meet my nephews until much later. My mother got sick. I missed so much. And then my marriage fell apart while I was living in Florida.”

“You’re married?”

“Was. Right out of uni. We were young and stupid and playing grown-ups, but we weren’t compatible. It was a mistake, one I’m glad to have made only so I don’t repeat it,” she sighed, playing at a rueful smile. “When there was no affection left in it, we went our separate ways. He went off to DC, and the offer for the Globe workshop fell in my lap. The Globe led me back here, put me in the running for the Opera House, and here I am.”

“I’m… I’m sorry,” he couldn’t find any other words to say. His thumb tucked in against his palm to follow that familiar track to the gold band on his ring finger. He didn’t spin it this time, only tapped it, reminding himself it was still there.

She smiled sadly, but there were no hard feelings of resentment or sadness in her features. “No need to apologize.  Sometimes two people aren’t meant to be together. That’s not always tragic or the end of the world.” She stretched out her legs again, unraveling from the coil she’d put herself into. “I loved him once and I remember that. A part of me, my younger self, the overgrown teenager self, still loves Steven… always will. But she’s not all of me and I’m not quite her anymore. I don’t know if it happened suddenly or over time, but one day I just knew. I needed my family… and they needed me.”

Ansgar nodded. “Family, yes…,” he he paused for a moment in thought, his lips pursed. His eyes focused on nothing in particular… a boat in the distance… as the impact of Joline’s story washed over him.

He thought of his own losses. His own journey, the ways in which he’d shed skin after skin, identity over identity over the past few years. The way in which he’d, as Faye had put it, gone soft. Soft in Faye’s estimation, however, was still as prickly as The Iron Throne to the rest of the world. He thought of Magnus, of Rebecka, and of their child. Their children, now, plural. Thought of the way they had welcomed him back into their home, into their arms, into their world – no questions asked, no consternation about him being for all intents and purposes dead for a year and a half.

And to know Joline had lived that, or something like it as well gave him the sense of a kindred pull to her spirit. A knowledge. An understanding, and the weight of it, the warmth of it settled upon him like a blanket.

“Family is everything, isn’t it?” he finished his thought at last. “I mean, when you come down to it, no matter what sort of shit you get into, no matter how much you hurt them, no matter what pain you endure, no matter how long you’re… you’re gone, no matter how much you change, no matter how hard you try to disappear, it’s your family that… that….”

The sound of a screaming child from just to his right yanked him from his reverie. He shook his head, blinking hard, and gave a breathy chuckle, smiling ruefully up at Joline. He sighed. “Well,” he shrugged, “let’s just say it’s a good job you had your family to come home to.”

He pressed his hands to the bench and shifted forward to stand, but she stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Ansgar.”

“What!?” he snapped, but his eyes softened in almost immediate apology. Live life when you have it, right?  “Look, Joline,” he sighed. I’m just going to come right out and say it. I think you’ve sussed by this point that I am rather… intrigued by you. Even more now that we’ve had this talk.”

“Yeah, I think I get that.” She smiled. “And I kind of want to jump your bones, too, so what’s the problem?”

“Complications,” he said, “albeit minor ones.” His lips curved in a melancholy smile. He stayed perched on the end of the bench, his knees spread wide, and he bent forward, elbows rest on his thighs. He clasped his hands together between, his thumbs working one against the other. “Things we should lay out on the table before we continue.”

“With our partnership? You’re not having second thoughts or…?”

“No! Of course not,” Ansgar sat upright. “That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“But,” she stood then and rest her hands on her hips. “What are you talking about, then? I mean… how can we even think of anything personal when we’re working together?”

“I’m very good at compartmentalizing,” Ansgar declared. “We simply need limits… understandings. I’ve done it before.”

She frowned, cocking her hip. “Done what before?”

“Worked closely with someone,” he took a long breath, his jaw jut forward. “Someone with whom I’d engaged in another sort of relationship.” He stood, then, and stepped nearer, peering down at her, his eyes hooded and intent. “I would like to know if you can do the same.”

She narrowed her eyes, tilting her head and matching his gaze with her own. “I can, I think,” she said slowly. “But, first, I need to know who.”

“Who? What do you mean, who?”

“Who was the someone you worked with? Who were you working with and fucking at the same time?”

He blinked, and his breath caught in his chest at the blunt force of her question. He kept his mask in place, however, his muscles barely moving, his eyes not wavering at all as he said slowly, evenly, “Faye Valentine-Martinsson. My former VP of Security. My wife.”

She lifted her chin, ever so slightly, and her right eye twitched. “Your… wife,” she intoned. She shook her head, her breath hissing from her flared nostrils. “Damn. That ring on your finger you keep playing with…. I should have known.”

“Joline…” Ansgar grasped her arm. “You don’t understand….”

She slapped his hand off, stepping quickly back. “You know, I thought for a minute that maybe you weren’t like that… how silly of me, how stupid! How…ah, fuck all of this… all of it!”  She turned and ran, bolting down the gravel path, her boots kicking up small white rocks in her wake.

“Joline! Wait!” He pelted after her, quickly and easily catching up to her to run beside her. “Joline! Joline!”

…Joline… Joline! Please don’t take him just because you can.

“Leave me the hell alone!”

She increased her speed, but again, he matched, overtaking her. He passed her, cut her off, and quickly turned around, He caught her as she caromed into him, clutching her hard by both of her arms. “Stop,” he commanded. “For fuck’s sake, stop!”

“Let me go, Martinsson!” She writhed, grunting and growling against him, her leathers creaking against his.

“Hey!” He held her fast with an arm around her back. “Come on now! Listen!”

“You can’t…do this,” she seethed. “I won’t… I won’t be that… that woman!”

“What… oof! Ohhhh, fuck!” He groaned, bending over but keeping his grip on her. She’d turned in his arms and threw her elbow sharply backwards into his ribs. “Christ! What… what woman?”

“The other woman!” She gnarled, her teeth grit. “Won’t be your fucking mistress!” She kicked backwards, landing the heavy wooden heel of her boot squarely in the middle of his shin.

“Jesus fuck!” He howled and split his legs wide to avoid more blows. Likewise, he craned his neck to avoid her fists that flew at his face. “You… won’t be! You’re not…. ouch, damn you! Stop hitting me!”

“Fine! Then I’ll do this!” She lifted her foot and slammed it down hard upon his toes. “Fuck! Off!”

“Aargh! Stop that! That fucking hurts!” Ansgar released her, but swiftly whirled her back to face him. He grasped her by the head, one massive hand on either side, and he stilled her. First with a small shake, and then with his gaze, penetrating and sharp. Then with his voice, firm and commanding. “Joline! She left me! I. Am. Not. Married. Anymore!”

… and then, with a growl, he pulled roughly on her, drawing her firmly to him where he silenced her, at last, with his lips.

Joline grunted, her eyes slammed shut, not unexpectedly, but for the control she lost in the situation. All her fight instincts took flight, leaving her defenseless to Ansgar’s kiss. She opened to him, having lost her protestations, denials, angry outbursts of sexual frustration, and let his lips do the caressing, manipulating the last of her vigor.

His tongue swept across her parted lips, a brush against her lower lip, to test her, to make sure she wouldn’t bite as hard as she kicked. Instead she moaned as he tipped her head back to deepen the kiss. Boldly, encouraged by the heady auditory approval, Ansgar plundered her mouth with as much possessive greed as she had entered his office… and his life.

Joline hiked up on her booted toes to erase the last bit of distance between them, wanting for be consumed by the torrential heat blazing off of him. The tangle of tongues sent the sweetest torture of sensation straight to her core, her body heavy with need. One of his hands dug into her hair to hold her captive against his mouth, the other pressed into the small of her back, tipping her hips against his. Dull fingernails scraped along his scalp when she took hold of his curls.

Lust played an undeniable force around them like gravity held them to the Earth’s surface. Slaves to it, but masters of it within their sphere of two. Their friendly jogger, his sights on Ansgar, now making his fifth lap past them, cut his losses and kept going to beat off his own arousal at the picture the two made, a smash of leather, denim and desire.

Ansgar was the one to end the meld of lips and teeth and tongues, regrettably. He knew that if they went on as they were he’d tear her clothes from her body and take her right on the spot, the wandering curious gazes be damned.

Joline herself felt ready to jump into her arms, coil her long legs around him and search out the closest surface to fuck against. He tasted of coffee, sex, danger and she already felt the addictive streams pouring through her body, her pores itching for his fingers and mouth as a balm.

His breath panted against her lips, swollen and pink from the pressure of their passionate kiss and the burn of his goatee. But—Fuck! She was a vision! His influence on her for all to see, he was almost… enchanted by it. He dragged his thumb across her lip, “You’re delicious. I simply cannot wait to taste what other flavors you’re hiding.”

Joline kept her eyes closed, concentrating on the bursts of heated breath spreading over her abused lips and the vibrations from his lips to hers. “God-fucking-damn it, Martinsson!” Only her voice had dropped to a seductive purr instead of the angry tones from moments ago.

He dropped his mouth to her ear, his tongue rasped at the fleshy lobe just once before her murmured, “Search out other art on your skin.”

The five ink decorated skin spots hidden beneath her clothes tingled, sending out a honing signal for him to lock in on. Joline pried her eyes open as he lifted his face to peer into hers. The brassed off woman had been somewhat tamed by temptation, he could see it in the flush of arousal and the relaxed scowl. “If this is what ‘intrigued’gets me, I’m fucked if I ever pique your interest,” she quipped in a delayed response to his comment that led to the heated argument and equally as heated kiss.

The pride and arrogance displayed on him in the forming of a Cheshire grin. “You’re fucked either way, as soon as I get you alone,” he replied confidently.

“I was half hoping you’d be shit at the kissing bit,” she groused. Her hands and the rest of her trembled in her heightened arousal, her libido blaring red to near overload.

He smirked, his fingers playing in her hair once more, wondering at her natural color, “Should I apologize or thank you for the backhanded compliment?”

She sighed dejectedly, “Which drawer have you shoved me into then?” Her words adopted a combative tone but she was still pressed salaciously against him.

The slight didn’t faze him as it would anyone else. He recovered within the blink of an eye, “Joline, I didn’t mean you and you know that’s not what I meant by compartmentalizing.”

She pressed her shaking hands to his chest applying the slightest of pressure to extricate herself from his intoxicating embrace. It didn’t help, she wobbled like a newborn faun, her legs unsure after his seductive kiss. “I just need to know where I fit in your cupboard of playthings. One night stand? Fuckbuddy? Lover? Experiment? Trying me on to see if I fit? Mistress?” She hissed the last word.

Defensively, Ansgar grabbed her arms again, nailing her with his piercing gaze, rooting her to the spot. “I told you. My wife left me,” he ground out between clenched teeth. “You can’t be a mistress when there’s no spouse to cheat.”

She couldn’t explain her petulance. They’d only just met, she had no room to make demands on him. But she felt so strongly about being labeled… “I’m not a homewrecker. I don’t go after other women’s men. That’s not me. I’m not that woman! I won’t be!”

Exasperation colored his sigh of impatience as he dropped his chin to his chest. Women infuriated him at times, tested his limits and busted his balls. Getting laid shouldn’t be this difficult, especially when he reduced the woman to a quivering mess clearly affected by his kiss alone, as he’d done with Joline. “Christ, Joline, you’re not!”

“You’re wearing her ring… still. The one that you promised to love, honor, in sickness and all that rot, yes? It’s still on your finger where she placed it. So are you married or not?” She then crossed her arms under her breasts as if to shield herself from the truth or defend herself from crushing disappointment when he dismissed this thing as not worth the aggravation.

Ansgar’s eyes shifted back and forth between hers, assessing her stake in this. “Why is this so important to you?”

The traffic in the distance had faded, the boats on the water muted, the fragrant breeze that smelled of licorice stuck, even the humans in the ceased to exist. All of that stripped away to leave two souls trying to find common ground to explore their attraction for one another.

“Because when you take me to bed, Ansgar, I want you fucking me. I don’t want you fucking the memory of your wife or ex-wife or whoever she is. I don’t want agendas or schedules or any other person involved.” She stepped into his space again, tucked her forefinger into the belt buckle and tugged him against her until their bodies clashed together, breast to chest, stomach to abdomen, center to groin.

She purred, “Pleasure… adult animal magnetism… orgasms for hours.” Joline nuzzled her hips against his, not quite a graze but something akin to it, a promise of so much more. “Dirty, filthy, raw sex – between two people and we’re the only two people in that room. I want sweat. I want sticky heat. I want shortness of breath. I want my body clamped around your cock.” She bit his lower lip, raking her teeth over the sensitive flesh. “I want the neighbors needing a smoke when we’re sated and too blitzed to fuck again. You can have me when I can have you. You can fuck me when that ring isn’t on your finger.”