#we talk about the weird quiet way autistic people are bullied and i am telling you right now is also lobbed at fat girls and women

[negativefouriq]

idk as far as im concerned penelope featherington pen name lady whistledown can be as nasty as she wants bc every ounce of that nastiness was lobbed at her first

[the-biornicles]

yk no i’m ocposting bc this is my blog and they are occupying all of my thinking space amd i’m an evil bitch who hates you

jayden & kyle’s family dynamic is so funny to me. elizabeth was like “my ex husband is a piece of shit but now i have two kids (jayden and jordan)” and mary was like “my husband died so now i have to raise 4 kids on my own (brandon, benjamin, victoria, kyle)” and they decided to collab. but elizabeth arguably got the shorter end of the stick she probably could’ve handled 2 kids as a single mom 😭 finance wpuldn’t be a problem she’s a doctor, and some of her family was willing to help. she was just so ashamed she ending raising them w her friend from high school

but despite being comprised of 2 single mothers and 6 insane chilsren they are such a silly family. like you have mary the mean mom, elizabeth the nice mom. brandon is the very well adjusted and ordinary older brother. benjamin is the guy who tries but fails to be an asshole. jordan is the older sister who cares for others more than she cares about herself. victoria is simply A Little Gal and a little transgender with it. kyle is like if a shy lil guy was bullied in middle school and then tried to be more like benjamin and just ended up being a shy lil guy who is now jacked and looks scary. and jayden is. well. jayden is very autism (affectionate)

kyle and jayden are the only ones who don’t remember their dads at all. kyle would ask his brothers, sister, and mom about him all the time but jayden wouldn’t give a shit and constantly forget that that guy was even there. i mean he’s not even jayden’s bio dad, and definitely not legal or chosen dad, so to them he’s just their mom’s ex husband.

they’re all so close knit but jayden and kyle are the most 🧑‍🤝‍🧑. i mean they’re inseparable as kids and well into adulthood. they clearly didn’t get tired of each other bc they chose to get a place together along w some friends. it’s definitely like ☺️ but also a little bit of oh god i am constantly so afraid for you. that feeling of survival from their school years def affected them still. even if for jayden it didn’t apply for themself, they’re definitely still somewhat protective of kyle

also like cheyenne is the only friend out of them (jayden, kyle, and mitch) who is like well adjusted and capable of handling and loving both themself and the world around her. jayden has a tendency to blame themself, kyle is easily mistrusting of others, and mitch thinks it’s physically impossible for him to be loved. cheyenne is Just Chilling while her friends need therapists

also can we talk about mitch??? bro didn’t know how to make friends for most of his childhood and decided he didn’t care anyway. his peers just didn’t want to hang out so WHATEVER. and when he makes friends w someone as autistic as him but in a different way and he still feels distant from the group he’s like. damn maybe i’m the problem. so when it comes to it he prioritizes himself over the group bc they probably didn’t like him anyway so WHATEVER. and then they’re actually really sad and he’s like oh shit i screwed up damn i am so bad at this. jayden has to drag his ass back in college when he’s like imm so sorry ily guys so much but i screwed up so bad i am telling you you do not want 2 b friends with me

and while mitxh was having angsty high school and kyle as well cheyenne and jayden were literally just enjoying their youth. cheyenne was one of those people who had a high school glow up in terms of self-confidence, she survived the caterpillar goop of middle school. jayden just joins the soccer team and then has a high school romance of sad girl x quiet guy x class clown beginning as a love triangle and ending in polyamory

and then college and then big lore thing oh no!!!! :( fuckibg APOCALYPSE and INTERNAL CONFLICT and now everyone is separated!!!!! jayden gets the systen treatment, cheyenne goes on a quest for vengeance, kyle does some weird anime hero shit, mitch has a revelation, sidney (aforementioned sad girl) gets even sadder, and milo (aforementioned quiet guy) is living in a classic zombie apocalypse type scenario

jayden has a plural and hecomes jesse jayden and hikaru!!!! some omori type shot tbh. jayden is like well see you guys later and goes to bed and dreams that nothing bad ever happened. hikaru is some self-penitent freak who ends up leading a rebellion. jesse is simply pissed at everyone and is only looking out for herself. and when they all learn about each other it’s a constant power struggle since hikaru is like dude we need to do The Right Thing, jesse is like i’m tired of this and i do not want to partake in your hero complex, and jayden is like hey what’s going on. are we going to die

and it’s a little weird bc they probably have some internalized pluralphobia at first since they’re not rly educated on this sort of thing beyond the classic shitty serial killer trope. and the way they are there’s not really a single core, they’re all kinda connected to who they were b4 being plural and all have had times of hosting. so there’s sort of conflict about who’s the “real one.” jayden thinks they’re kind of like invaders in their body who just took control of their life (since their memory is just preplural times), hikaru thinks they’re like impulsive/irrational thoughts, and jesse thinks they’re naive or childish thoughts. so no one is taking each other seriously n it sucks a lot at first!!!

and then cheyenne is js. upset that everything has happened so this turns into anger that she then directs through politics and ends up committing mass murder and leading a wannabe oppressive regime

i’m sooooo sleepy i shalt continue infodumping in the morn if i rember (it is 1am) (i think i am 80% incoherent) (idc this is my blog)

[admutual]

any hayley or steve childhood headcanons hell add stan if thats ok!!

oo !!

hayley ones:

hayley was always bringing weird animals inside and trying to convince stan and francine to let her keep them. multiple instances of her running inside, covered in dirt, and holding a garter snake begging ‘please please can we keep her??’ while steve screams in terror.

that hc i mentioned of francine always standing up for the other kids ,, hayley inherited that trait. my god she was The Most protective kid during her school years, she absolutely refused to let anyone get walked over when she knew they didn’t deserve it.

hayley was a wolf girl growing up,, change my mind. and black wolves were always her fave.

hayley definitely read animorphs growing up. those books shaped her and her fave character was cassie,,, also once she got more comfortable with living with roger she bullied him for not looking as cool as an andalite or a hork-bajir.

hayley went through an emo phase during her middle and high school years. she tried really hard to get an emo fringe, she was always blasting mcr and the used and three days grace, and her first job was at a hot topic.

hayley and stan were obviously tight-knit buds back in the day. like ,, she’d set up tea parties for them in the backyard, going out to movies was almost a weekly activity for the two of them, they were always planning picnics together,, they were really close. also every time they went to familyland together, hayley was always trying to drag him along with her to the more Extreme rides. francine kept telling her she’d go since she knew stan wasn’t the biggest fan of those rides like she was, but hayley kept insisting and it’d always end with stan near traumatized. big cia man goes on scary missions daily but he can’t handle a little roller coaster.

hayley’s hair was . pretty often a Mess when she was young. it was staticky, always sticking up at some angle, she often got too excited that she never took the time to comb out her hair in the mornings. plus it’s always been a habit of hers to play with her hair whenever she gets too excited or nervous, so even if she got it all straightened out it’d still turn into a mess by the end of the day.

hayley was always covered in scrapes and bruises. there was never a day where she didn’t have a bandaid somewhere.

she was a really tall kid during elementary school. she was almost always the tallest kid in her class. around high school everyone outgrew her though and now she’s . really short compared to most people her age, but yeah when she was little . Tall Girl (2019).

hayley skateboarded in middle school, and she was really damn good at it. she got in loads of trouble for skateboarding on school property and she thought she was the coolest kid for doing it.

stan and francine tried really hard not to curse around hayley when she was little (once steve came around they gave up trying), but occasionally something would slip out and hayley would always parrot it. stan looking at a bill and muttering ‘shit’ and then in the living room hearing what is obviously a toddler screaming ‘SHIT’

hayley, like steve, was always kinda lonely during her school years. steve eventually found friends in snot, barry, toshi, and roger too once he moved in, but hayley never really learned proper social skills as she was often pushed away for being the loud rowdy ‘annoying’ kid, and they always viewed her attempts to try to get close to others as too ‘desperate’. she has found friends in her adulthood, but yeah during her childhood she mostly just stuck around her family.

hayley was That Kid who would always use those fake clip-on earrings you’d get from claires, as well as cutting up the spiral from her notebook to use as a fake lip piercing, and she’d spend all day trying to convince her classmates ‘yeah no it’s real’

hayley liked stealing her dad’s camera and using it to film fake vlogs. they have multiple reels that go from cute family videos, to hayley making lps vids and fake cooking tutorials.

hayley drew a lot growing up and francine still has dozens of her drawings magneted to the fridge. hayley’s always cringing and asking her to take them down, but tbh francine’s never going to.

hayley’s always loved being outside at night. occasionally she’d sneak steve out with her to play in the backyard and it’d always lead to them in the treehouse, and stan catching them because they kept shining their flashlight against their bedroom window.

steve ones:

steve’s definitely adhd, autistic, and dyslexic. (the latter’s literally canon, and the two former ones are hcs that to me feel so obvious that i’m always a little hesitant calling it a hc). i really like imagining his parents being really patient with him in this area, even stan learned to be more composed and gentle with him when it came to this, and the two of them helping him find ways to cope. francine especially enjoyed nights helping him read.

steve’s interest in birds has been with him for pretty much his entire life, i like to imagine it’s always been his biggest special interest. also i’ve noticed there’s random scenes where stan’s displayed a bit of an interest or at least an appreciation of birds, so i kinda like to imagine stan used to take steve to the park for birdwatching trips when he was young before steve started going with roger. sometimes francine and hayley would tag along, but mostly it was just stan taking steve out and listening to him ramble about all the birds he’s spotting,, every time steve had a bad day stan’s immediate solution was to take him to the park.

when roger first moved in, he and steve were inseparable. steve was obsessed with learning everything about him and his species and his home planet, while roger saw steve as the one safe person to be around (francine, hayley, and klaus were still anxious towards him while stan was too strict and controlling for him). for a good few months until he started bonding with the rest of the fam roger would get really mopey whenever steve would go to school or leave to hang with his other friends, and the second steve walked through that door roger would excitedly hug him and try to lead him off to go do something together.

@a-d-lesbian got me into the hc that steve’s a theater kid and like ,, i’m always thinking about steve getting a tiny little background role in a 6th grade christmas show that they were required to do as a class, and he just loses his mind. he convinces stan and francine to let him invite the grandparents, he has francine film every scene he’s in where he just . Stands There. and then after the show when they get home he makes them all rewatch them all because he’s really damn proud of himself.

steve’s fave books growing up were always xenofiction. stuff like warrior cats and guardians of ga’hoole and redwall. he loved that shit. like i’m just imagining him trying to get his friends to larp warrior cats but none of them read it so they don’t know what he wants them to do, and he keeps assigning them warrior cat sonas and calling them by warrior cat names at school,, and he keeps calling god ‘starclan’ (which makes stan. Mad). am i projecting? that’s a secret, i’ll never tell.

steve was absolutely the Anime Kid in middle school. the amount of times he got yelled at for naruto running in the hallways was far too much. and his faves were fruits basket, nichijou, and k-on.

i’m so obviously projecting with my steve hcs here but i’m not gonna stop and i’m gonna say steve’s a trans guy. i know it makes no sense in canon, but canon’s dead it’s mine now. anyways he’s known since around the time he started middle school, and stan and francine love him and support him and i don’t have much else to say without getting Too Projecting, but yeah steve’s trans.

steve was pretty socially anxious growing up. he did get better as he grew older obv, but when he was little he was A Mess in school.

steve loved making flower crowns when he was little. he learned how to in his 2nd grade art class and just obsessed over it for a good few years and he was always making them for the fam. francine, stan, and hayley didn’t mind, they thought it was cute. i can see hayley learning to make them too and the two of them exchanging crowns,, and francine probably learned how to make some too during her college years and steve would always get really excited whenever she tried making some with him. poor roger though, once he moved in, steve took him as his new model and roger was forced to suffer through sitting in the hot sun while steve covered him in flowers.

steve never stopped singing. oh my god, stan loves him but he eventually reached a point where he started hiding their disney movies because steve would always loudly sing along and he just wanted some peace and quiet to work.

i like to imagine klaus has a sibling-esque relationship with pretty much the entire fam, but especially with steve. he was always pretty protective of him despite not really being able to do anything if he got hurt, and klaus was always there to talk to whenever steve needed it.

steve’s always liked to help francine bake. originally it was just so he could claim the mixer of batter before hayley could, but he quickly got really invested and he still loves helping out.

and in general for the both of them:

steve was the type of kid who bonked his head against the table a little and would spend the rest of the night crying while francine comforted him,, while hayley was the type of kid who could fly down the stairs and leave an actual dent in the wall and she’d still jump up assuring everyone ‘i’m okay!!’

hayley and steve used to play pokemon together growing up. hayley was more casually into it while steve was more obsessed (i like to imagine it was a special interest of his growing up). nowadays hayley doesn’t play it too often, but every now and then some big news will happen like new starters getting revealed, and steve will show her and hayley still can’t help but get at least a bit excited each time.

francine tried to do cute little family halloween costumes a few years. the idea of them doing an addams family group costume is precious.

francine always took them out for christmas photos every year. just dozens of photos of the four of them in the tackiest sweaters. they don’t do it as often anymore (or at least they don’t take as many photos outside of a few while they’re setting up the tree) but they still have framed photos of them that they set on the fireplace mantle every year.

listen …….. there were definitely multiple instances when they were really little of stan coming home from work ,, and steve and hayley excitedly tackling him,,,, and stan dramatically acting like he’s being attacked and losing ,,,

despite roger being a Dick, he was super protective of the two of them back in the day. either of them come home from school with a bruise, and roger’s already planning out an elaborate revenge scheme.

as for stan ,,

i’m adopting @stancine’s hc to say he was definitely a country boy. i kinda like to imagine his uncle on his mother’s side lived on a farm, and stan was really close to him growing up and it just sorta became monthly to take weekend trips to see him.

stan loved horses. he was definitely a Horse Kid, and his fave breeds are clydesdales and friesians.

sheep too!! one of his favorite yearly activities is during the springtime when his uncle helps him out with shearing the sheep.

also stan loved camping. he loved going out on walks through the woods and he especially loved fishing, but the second the sun went down he cowered in the back of the tent next to his mom because he was terrified of the noises coming from outside.

stan was a really quiet kid growing up. he sucked at properly standing up for himself, that’s kinda the reason he’s so harsh on steve for accepting mistreatment because he knows how hard it is and he doesn’t want his son to go through the same shit he did.

mother’s day was always one of his favorite holidays. he’d be obsessed with planning the whole day around trying to make it perfect for betty. making her breakfast in bed and saving up his allowance to buy her a gift, and he’d always make elaborate art projects for her every year.

stan . tried to learn how to ride a motorcycle in high school. it was this random obsession he got for no reason where he just really wanted one, but he always panicked whenever he got the chance to try one out. never even got his permit because he was so scared.

stan had a lot of pent-up anger as a kid that he never even recognized as anger until he got older. because of that he often broke his toys on accident because something wasn’t working correctly, and sometimes he’d snap at teachers on accident. obv he still had a problem with it but at least now he knows what’s going on and can at least try to work on dealing with it.

betty used to read to stan at night when he was really young. they didn’t have many books around so it was just stan listening to her read the same four dr. seuss books over and over. he didn’t mind though.

stan’s always loved writing and a good chunk of his free time was writing little short stories. he took a creative writing class in high school and he almost immediately became the teacher’s pet.

stan was a pretty lonely socially inept kid and i like to think growing up he tried getting a lot of his ‘advice’ on how to interact with others through television. one time he tried to get a girl’s attention by doing the ‘throwing pebbles at their window’ trope, but he fucked up and got too big a stone and threw it too hard, and just shattered this poor girl’s window. and stan spent the rest of the night crying in his room before caving and turning himself in.

i can see him being really into superheroes when he was younger. just him bounding around the house with a blanket for a cape, acting out random scenes he read out of the latest issue he bought.

stan was obv a dog kid. he’d often find himself going to the adoption shelter near his house just to see the dogs there whenever he was feeling down. and his fave breeds were golden retrievers, pit bulls, and shelties.

god i have tons more for all of them but i’m gonna stop because this is already long enough as it is.

[mad-queen-thorn]

Massive vent under the cut, its been a week and a half and I can’t seem to dwell on this any longer. Venting again only because I have very little followers and 90% of them are good friends I hang with regularly, so I feel safe spilling out my feelings here, don’t want to burden anyone with my thoughts and feelings, reading is optional.

I didn’t mention this here, because I didn’t feel the need to. 

When it comes to my Diabetes I’m almost in remission, its a good thing, and by June I might be off the meds and officially into remission. Which is looking promising, but knowing my luck, I beat one thing and two more take their place. Its like taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. 

And well, its 3 things this time, I’m now on blood pressure meds for hypertension, only weak ones, so its not that bad. Docs think it might be the pressure I’m putting on my body with the lifestyle changes, but when I lose more weight it should go back to normal. Other than that they want to check out my kidneys as they said there’s a lot of protein in there. They’ve pushed back one of my tests which is causing me worry. But it was merely because the equipment they wanted to give me hasn’t arrived yet. So maybe I’m worrying over nothing. 

Anyway, this isn’t the major thing I keep bottling up. 

Along with my Type 2 Meds and my Blood pressure meds, I take Fluoxetine, which I’ve been on since late 2015. For anxiety and depression. So with all the appointments I’ve been having the past few months they’ve also been keeping track of my mental health, and now the docs think it might be more than just my Anxiety and Depression. 

They think I’m Autistic. In fact, I’ve been told that its highly likely I am after them talking to me, a family member and a friend who has autistic children herself, talked together in the docs room about my past, my behaviours and such and how our friend sees a lot of traits in me, and the doc said “You’re most likely right.”.

We sent off a referral form with a tonne of information about myself, my hyper fixations, behaviours, stimming, social interaction and more.

I’m officially under investigation for Autism.

I’ve been trying to process the information for almost 2 weeks now, barely telling a soul about it. But with the information I’ve been given, the more I think about it, the more of my life is making sense: 

When I was younger, I had a hard time making friends and I still do. I thought it was because I was ugly, weird and because of my overbite that it drove people away. That it was my fault entirely for not being good enough, like bullies made be believe. 

Turns out, that making friends can be hard of Autistic people because of their differences in communication. 

Which at the end of day... explains a lot. 

I’ve noticed that in large groups, I’m very quiet, both in person and online. I don’t speak unless I feel its needed to, and I try to not speak over people and often find myself doing so. I really don’t mean to. I just find it really hard to understand when there’s a good window for me to chirp in without seeming rude. Other times I’ll wait and wait and then when its time for a moment for me to voice the conversation has most likely moved on, which isn’t a bad thing. It just seems like I don’t have a good grasp of social cues. 

My black and white thinking also seems to impact my social interaction. As in the past I’ve just assumed and read situations wrong. Sometimes accidentally upset friends on multiple occasions without meaning. As sometimes my mind is just: 

“It has to be 1 or 2″ And nothing like a 3rd option comes to mind until its pointed out or I’ve made my mistake and beat myself up for it. Thinking I was being selfish and horrible. But now I guess that this explains those moments. They happen a lot, but not in bad ways. Like I said, sometimes its either one or the other, and I fail to see alternative options unless stated. 

Like, the other day I was with my friend who has autistic children, we play Pokemon Go together. And we had a debate about the design of Attack and Normal Deoxys: 

(The top Two) 

She said that they are a different colour, yet I said they are the same colour. Yet she said they’re different. Now, my brain didn’t connect the dots and that she meant that parts of their body are different colour but they both have the same colour scheme. It took me a few moments to actually get what she meant... so??? I guess??

I tend to have little moments in communication like that. 

Also, when some of my family make a joke, most of the time I don’t laugh. My sense of humour tends to be niche and connected to my hyper fixations and spur of the moment puns. Or I’ll make a joke to my family or a friend and they don’t get it, and I have to explain and they still don’t find it funny. I seem to have stronger connections to people who are into the same things I am. Something for me to build a conversation off of or I’ll fail to maintain a conversation. 

I thought this was just normal?? But at the same time it might not be...

Idk I have so many questions. There has been many things I’ve questioned about myself.

Like the need for a second opinion on situations others would see as common sense. Sometimes I go to someone I trust, explain a situation only to be told my feelings are valid and why I’m even questioning them. 

I dunno, it feels good that there might be a possibility behind how I communicate. 

While explaining to me, the doc said: “Your brain seems wired different, and you see the world differently from everyone else. People need to understand that.”

And I... like I said, I don’t know. 

I mean, the following seems to also be signs: 

In person I find it hard to make eye contact. 

I like to be left alone sometimes. 

I can’t be alone for long periods of time as I get stressed and it pulls down my whole mood. 

I find it hard to take part in group conversations over voice. Text is fine. 

My body language and tone can be completely different to what I actually mean. I’ve gotten in trouble with this, but the person who was mad at me didn’t understand. 

I don’t pick up on body language. 

But I’ll be observant on everything else. I tend to spot most things others don’t notice. I’ve had this in person many times and people tend to compliment me with “Wow you’re so observant!”, “You have good eyes!”. 

Lack of excitement, this happened today. We got new carpets in and my mother was overjoyed, but I never felt a thing. I felt like I should be happy too but I couldn’t. I am capable of being happy for other people, but yet again, it has to be connected to a hyper fixation or someone I trust/care about. 

Relationship with my parents isn’t great, probably due to my communication issues.

I only express myself to people I deem I’m close to, other than that I seem very disconnected. I’ve heard people say that I seem to be in my “own little world” on more than one occasion.

Selective Mute or nonverbal. Sometimes I just can’t speak or come up with what to say and remain silent. 

Picky with food. For example, if someone puts beans on my plate, I simply can’t eat around them. I’ll dismiss the entire plate and feel bad about it. Cuz my mind tends to think the whole thing is “contaminated” by the beans and I can’t eat it. 

In person I can tend to point instead of using words sometimes. 

I’m not a touchy person, especially with my family. But if you’re someone I trust, I’ll probably cuddle you to death. Really selective of who I let close to me.

Nobody can touch my hair but me. Nobody can brush it but me. If I let you brush it, its a blessing. 

Always listening to music while doing things like drawing/walking ect. 

Questioning my place in social situations and how others think. I have a habit of putting myself below everyone else. The idea of other people thinking of me or thinking positively of me next to never crosses my mind, the whole thing seems foreign to me. 

Another major pointer to it is my stimming. 

Now, I’ve stimmed for many years now and felt BAD about it. Because I felt like I didn’t deserve the stim toys I have. But now everything is starting to make sense. Even though my stimming does piss some family members off, I try to not do it around them and simply can’t. Sometimes I start stimming without even noticing. The most common being my legs, I will bounce them. All the time. If my hands are busy its my legs, if my legs aren’t moving, I need something in my hands and I have quite a few stim toys. From fidget cubes to squishy pokeballs. I have a habit of making them click or rolling the ball in my hands between rounds on videogames or when watching youtube videos. I also tend to lean towards glitter shakers. Love those things. I tend to mute my mic a lot during voice calls as I get paranoid people can hear me stimming. Because I feel like the bump bump of my foot on the floor or the clicking of my fidget cube will annoy people. 

Not adjusting well to change and being in social situations with a lot of people are another two signs. For example, yesterday I was in the kitchen with all the furniture while the carpets had been getting put down, there was limited space to move, I had nothing to stim with and didn’t like it. I felt bad for being annoyed. I wanted to go to my room but couldn’t. I wanted to move around. 

When it comes to social situations, I can go to heavy populated situations like conventions but not for long. I start getting overwhelmed and feeling sick. I enjoy it as much as I can but I can only take so much. 

Same with social interaction. I can only take so much. 

Once I get overstimulated I can get moody and my temper shortens, but I usually isolate myself by the time it comes to that point.     

I blamed all my social woes on my Anxiety but at this point it might not be my anxiety. It might be Autism.

But one final thing that also points to it:

Hyperfixations

I currently have two massive fixations.

Pokémon which is one I've had all my life

And Guild Wars 2 which has been a fixation since 2017

But within them I have specific things I fixate on. Which I guess are sub fixations?

For example, in Pokémon. I love the lore, certain legendaries and I absolutely adore cat Pokémon. Every time there is a new Pokémon game out I almost cry in excitement. My bedroom is covered in Pokémon stuff with a few other fandoms scattered in there but it's 90% Pokémon.

Pokémon shirts, Pokémon bedding. Pokémon posters, Pokémon bags, Pokémon plushies, keyrings.

Whenever I get something my family tend to go "Ugh. Not more Pokémon"

And Guild Wars 2 is pretty self explanatory.

I love Aurene, Tybalt and most of the main characters and lore.

I have the Rytlock figure and art and the OST discs ext. Books of lore and stories.

But 90% of my fixation is on the Thorns.

Thorn Pyjamas, Thorn bags, Thorn plush. Anything I can get my grubby little hands on...

Go figure!

I also try to not express myself too much as in the past I've had people try to force me out of hyperfixations because I was too "annoying".

I feel like I talk about my two major fixes too much. So I try to curb down on it to not drive people away...?

I wish I knew the results as I have so many questions.

They said they think it's very likely I'm autistic.

I don't want to write myself off and say "Yeah, I'm Autistic."

Because there's that chance I'm not. But so many people who know me in person think I am. And I've been asked many times over the years and never had a second thought about it.

And like I said, the docs said I most likely am.

I'm just waiting for an assessment and the result which I got told could take months to years.

I just want answers so I know how to make life is easier for me.

I want answers so I can just be myself without fear because I keep holding myself back thinking I'm weird or a bad person or bad at communication.

I always notice my social flaws and say they're "habits I need to kick"

But maybe they're not. Maybe it's just how I am.

I want to know.

I need to know...

I just want answers...

[hyperfixatin-blog]

HOW TO WRITE A SELECTIVELY MUTE CHARACTER.

I’m seeing a lot of writers making the decision to make their character what is called ‘selectively mute’, and while I’m so happy that the S.M. community are finally getting some representation, I would much prefer that it could be portrayed as accurately as possible. I’ve found a lot of ‘how to write mute characters’ guides, but I’ve yet to find many that specifies completely on this disorder. This guide is written by someone who has personally suffered from selective mutism as a child and somewhat as a teenager. If you wish for your character to have this condition, I’d encourage you to read on and perhaps learn a few things about it.

Please bear in mind that most of what I’ve written below are from my own personal experiences and that everybody deals with the condition differently! I am also not a doctor or a health professional, but I hope that this guide will at least be of some help to you!

WHAT IS SELECTIVE MUTISM?

Selective mutism is defined by wiki as: “an anxiety disorder in which a person who is normally capable of speech cannot speak in specific situations or to specific people. Selective mutism usually co-exists with shyness or social anxiety.”

So yes, for me it was the acute and intense phobia of socialising, or more accurately (and perhaps the most important aspect to distinguish) the crippling fear of being mocked and ridiculed. It is not a fear of speaking. I, for example, could talk quite comfortably to very close friends and nuclear family, but was suddenly rendered speechless when surrounded by my school friends, teachers, and most of my extended family members – however it must be noted that for my extended family, I would eventually warm up to them after a day or two.

DESTROYING THE COMMON MYTHS:

“So you basically couldn’t speak?” – Now that is a different kind of mutism, one that is usually caused by a health condition or likewise. If you wish for your character to be rendered speechless because they are physically unable to (for example, if your character is hard of hearing etc.), then this isn’t the guide for you and that isn’t selective mutism – although it is completely possible for your character to have both! Just as long as you recognise that they’re two completely different conditions. There was nothing physical preventing me from speaking but my own crippling social anxiety, a little ‘voice’ in my head that told me that whatever I said would be stupid and therefore not worth voicing.

“It sounds quite cute/adorable” – That whole stereotype of the shy girl who’s adorable because she’s quiet and blushes needs to die, right now. Selective mutism almost completely ruined my childhood. As a kid, bullies would seek me out at school because they knew I couldn’t ask for help. It got so severe that I had to move schools.

“You obviously went through some trauma in your life” – In some cases this is true, other times (like mine) I was just very socially anxious and belonged to a family with a history of diagnosed (and undiagnosed) mental disorders, which just so happened to include anxiety. There have been cases where certain individuals have been through a traumatic event and perhaps they feel they are unable to speak to the person involved in that event – whether that be due to the fact that they were part of the trauma, or the cause of the trauma, and speaking to them would stir up a fear of the event repeating itself.  

“You were just being defiant/stubborn” – FUCK NO. I don’t think a lot of people understand that we didn’t choose to become selectively mute; it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain like all mental disorders. It’s literally like saying to someone with a broken leg to ‘get out of their wheelchair because they’re just being lazy’. I can’t stress this enough. I honestly can’t tell you what it was like being a kid and wanting to fit in and talk to people, yet believing that whatever I said would cause havoc for myself. It’s possibly one of the lowest forms of self-esteem you can have.

“So you chose who not to speak to?” – Yes and no. Like what I said above, I didn’t choose to be selectively mute, but there was definitely a pattern of which individuals I found myself not talking to. These were either strangers/people I didn’t know well, because I had no way of predicting how they’d react to my comments and that terrified me; most of my friends from school because I cared about their opinion too much to supposedly ‘ruin’ it; and then a collection of extended family members which is a combination of both my reaction to friends and strangers, which really depended on who it was. If you watch The Big Bang Theory, Raj’s inability to talk to women is a perfect example of what I’m talking about (although please note that he is not the paramour of selectively mute characters).

SOME COMMON SYMPTOMS:

Avoiding eye contact – For me it was always this weird superstition where I thought that looking into someone’s eyes meant that they could judge me harder? It’s also just a natural sign of submission AKA I really didn’t want to fight anyone. I still can’t look people in the eye and I haven’t suffered from the condition in years.

Fidgeting – Ignoring the fact that I also have ADHD, I’ve heard cases where fidgeting (mainly with the fingers, hair, clothing, or by wiggling the leg while sitting) can be an effective way of expelling that nervous energy when finding ourselves in social situations, or just in an attempt to distract ourselves from our own shitty thoughts. My fidgeting were mainly oral fixations (which also helped my ADHD – so hitting two birds with one stone) like chewing on literally everything: my sleeves, my nails (and the skin around them), my lips, the skin inside my mouth (which has caused some weird internal Joker-like scars), and stationary like the ends of pens and pencils. All of these habits have stayed with me into ‘adulthood’. Your character can have all, some, or none of these! It’s entirely up to you.

Blushing: Good evening, my most hated side effect. This occurred pretty much every time a person of authority (that weren’t my parents) talked to me. The worst part was that I could feel myself flushing, and since I knew what it looked like combined with my social phobia, only made it worse. Let the vicious transformation into a tomato begin.

SEEMINGLY UNRELATED SIDE EFFECTS:

Difficulty expressing emotions

Fear of change (feeling most comfortable with a routine their familiar with).

Difficulty with facial expression

COMMUNICATION:

Gosh, there are so many ways you can communicate with someone who is non-verbal and it really depends on the person and their personal preferences. But here are a few suggestions and what your character could use:

Flashcards: this is what I used. I had little pieces of laminated cards which I’d use at school. They didn’t have masses on them as you can imagine, but simple sentence starters and words like the basics greetings (hello, goodbye, good morning, good afternoon etc.), a card that requested ‘help’, yes and no, and whether I had brought a lunch or required food from the cafeteria. So it wasn’t exactly a full blown conversation, but it was enough to communicate the basics.

Sign language: I’m not saying your character should be able to know sign language off by heart (I certainly didn’t), but even just a few words that would communicate what was on my flashcards helped a lot. To be honest, for me the only reason why I picked up bits of sign language was because my younger brother, Sam, was autistic and didn’t start speaking full sentences to anyone until the age of four. So it also helped me and my parents to communicate with him as well as me.

Written communication: pretty self-explanatory. Whenever there was something I wanted to say but couldn’t communicate through my flashcards, I’d get a piece of paper and write it down.

Once again this is totally flexible. Your character can use all of these, some of these or none of these! It all depends on personal preference and the environment they grow up in. I’ve also not included every single way to communicate non-verbally because that would be a hella long list.

SCHOOL:

Okay, so my school experience was pretty shitty because of my selective mutism and here are a list of reasons why:

TEACHERS: I couldn’t ask for help. Yeah sure, I had a flash card with the word ‘HELP’ scribbled across it but, uh, I had severe social anxiety y’all I wasn’t always comfortable with drawing attention to myself. Especially since it was usually followed by the most painful few minutes of trying to communicate what I didn’t understand without words. It got so bad that I didn’t know how to add, subtract, multiply or divide at ten years old, and had to do Kumon (an intense Japanese tuition styled programme to help me get back on track). Having said that, I did have undiagnosed ADHD so that would have made everything 10x worse in the education department as I wasn’t always, y’know, listening.

BULLIES: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so this was a biggy. I’m not going to go into my sob story but it got so bad that it was one of the main factors in why I moved schools when I was seven.

MISUNDERSTANDING: okay, so I was thinking about this last night and remembered something really fucked up. I was told by a qualified teacher at the end of year 2 (I was seven years old) that if I didn’t speak by the start of year 3, I would fail school. Yeah, fucked up right? I genuinely remember the crippling anxiety I felt when she told me that and how mad my parents were when I told them. ANOTHER THING: my teachers did not tell all the staff about my mutism. I was queuing up for lunch and I pointed to the thing I wanted and when I didn’t say please, they almost refused to give me lunch and called me rude in front of my entire year. It’s this misunderstanding that caused me anxiety that could have easily been prevented if everyone had been better educated about the condition.

WHAT I’VE GAINED FROM THE CONDITION (positive):

Strong empathy

Above average perception/inquisitiveness

A strong sense of right and wrong

So there you have it, selective mutism. I really hoped this helped give a better understanding of what the condition is. Please don’t take this disorder lightly because it’s an ugly, ugly thing to have and it should never be a cute ‘quirk’ for your character. Also I must stress that you shouldn’t take this guide as your only research. Google it, look on the selective mutism/actually mute tag, research research research; it’s the best way to portray anything accurately. This guide is very basic and does not involve everything because that would take me forever. 

If you have any questions regarding selective mutism or this guide, send me a message and I’ll be happy to direct you the best I can! <3

[butterflyinthewell]

“Stigma” #AutisticsSpeakingDay2017

*** ***

* * * TW: Religious imagery, violence, torture, blood, restraints; mention of ABA, electroshock, bleach enemas and other abuse (via thumbnail image). All clips of me stimming and having meltdowns were recorded and uploaded by me. * * *

My Catholicism is totally hanging out in this video and I’m not sorry. This is how I see it through my faith.

My speech is clear because I wrote what I wanted to say and read it for the camera. Anyone who sees my off the cuff videos knows I stumble and have a hard time putting words together.

*** ***

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNN4mzAjKf0 

(Transcript below, anything in brackets is image description. Apologies for any weird “digital” noises in parts where I’m not talking; I tried to digitally remove the annoying click of my camera’s autofocus, but people wearing earphones may still hear the weirdness. I just can’t win with audio. -_-;; )

[Title screen is “STIGMA #AutisticsSpeakingDay2017″ in white text.]

The dictionary defines "stigma" as "a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person." The plural form of this word is "stigmata", and those are also the wounds inflicted when Jesus was nailed to the Cross on Good Friday. Stigma isn't something people are born with. It is inflicted, like the holes caused by the nails hammered into the hands and feet of the Man who saved my soul because He loves me. [Images of Jesus in undignified states during His Crucifixion and a closeup of His beaten, bloody face.]

Many autistic people endure something like crucifixion without being able to fight back. Their dignity is stripped, their privacy violated and their humanity ignored. They endure what Jesus did. And so do I. As an autistic person, I feel the piercing stigma nailed into me and all other autistic people on a fairly regular basis.

Every time a parent tells me "you are not like my child" when I try to help them see things from the autistic point of view, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time someone rebukes me with "you're so high functioning that it doesn't even affect you" because I can talk, get dressed, put on makeup, sing with my church's choir and do some tasks for myself, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time the response is "you have no clue what living with this is like" when I mention I can't live independently, have extreme sensory issues and have violent meltdowns with self-injurious behavior, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time I'm told "they don't feel embarrassment or know better" when I tell a caregiver they are violating an autistic person's privacy, dignity and autonomy when they post behavior crisis moments online, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time people tell me "you don't know what you're talking about" when I speak up about why Autism Speaks is a damaging charity that deepens the stigma against autistic people, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time I hear a caregiver say "they can't communicate" as a reason to shut me down when I question why they don't ask the autistic person if they are in pain or upset about something, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time I was bullied for being different from my peers, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time I am ignored when I speak out against the injustices committed against autistic people, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

But guess what? You can hammer nails into me all you want, but it won't stop me from speaking the truth. Just as death could not hold Jesus prisoner, you cannot keep the truth held prisoner either. And just as Jesus rose above death on Easter, so to will autistic people with all kinds of support needs rise with the truth. We have endured our Cross, and now our "Easter" is dawning. This is our time to be heard, and this is the truth. [Images of the empty tomb on Easter, and Jesus showing one of His wounded hands to his disciples to prove He really has risen from death.]

You co-opt the autistic identity when you call yourself an autism parent. It's hypocritical of you to identify yourself that way, but tell me "no, honey, you're a person with autism!"

SHUT UP!!! I am talking now, and YOU will listen!

[Images of me stimming, lining up nail polish bottles and slapping my head during a self-injurious meltdown] I am like your child. 

I am neither high functioning nor low functioning because those labels are damaging and dehumanizing, and your view of me will probably vary depending on what you see when you first meet me. 

I know exactly what it's like to be autistic because I live it every day.

I am so disgusted by your refusal to presume the competence of someone you claim to love.

I do know what I'm talking about when I say Autism Speaks is a harmful charity, and I will keep talking about it until something changes. [Photos of me taken for #REDInstead where I protest against Autism Speaks. 1st photo has my mouth taped shut with "Autism Speaks" on the tape while surrounded by Post-it notes saying "Broken, not a person, tragedy, burden, financial drain, missing" and one more above me with "autistic person" and an arrow pointing down at me. 2nd photo has me holding a sign that says "Not a puzzle piece!" 3rd photo has me holding a sign saying "Stomp out stigma! #REDInstead" 4th photo is my shirt, which says "I can't keep calm, I'm autistic" with a sign that says "Not a tragedy, not an epidemic, not a crisis, not a burden, not missing."]

Communication is a two way street. Communication isn't always words. YOU are the one who can't communicate. [I point from my eyes to yours, from my mouth to yours and from my ears to yours. This is followed with clips of me stimming with Wile E. and having a meltdown where I beat on a pillow with my fists. All of this is autistic communication.]

I was bullied for how I looked and acted. I didn't deserve it.

People blow me off when I speak out on ableism committed against autistic people. I speak out anyway.

And I will keep talking. With my words, my behavior, my text posts, my photos and my videos. I will endure the metaphorical hammer and nails for those who can't defend themselves because Jesus endured the same, and more, for me. What you do for those society sees as the least, you also do to Christ. Guess where you put autistic people? [Image of Christ's beaten, bloody face again.]

I am autistic. I am speaking. This is my language. This is me.

And this is what society does to people like me. [I stand back and hold up my hands to be "crucified" by a series of words: (Center, like thorns on my head)Burden, Broken, Crisis, Fear, Inhuman, Tragedy. (Right hand) Cure, Awareness, Prevention, Lovaas ABA. (Left hand) Electroshock, Chelation, Bleach enemas. (A blue puzzle piece and text obscures my mouth) AUTISM SPEAKS. This image goes by fast and it intended to be subliminal. It is also the video’s thumbnail.]

But not today. 

Today, I am speaking. 

YOU be quiet and listen.

[shinxchu]

I try to keep this blog positive, because thats what i want it to be.

But my wife is sleeping next to me. And I need to talk about my life

Trigger warning for: csa, child abuse, child neglect, bullying, ableism, incest, rape, violence, drugs, and attempted suicide.

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vp/> I was brought into this world by two broken people. I was brought into this world autistic, without anyone telling me i was until i was 18 and found it out myself. My mom smoked, drank and did weed during her pregnancy.

When i was young, and my parents still married, i barely saw my mom because she had to work every day to keep us fed while my dad bummed around and got us into more debt. My dad didnt bring me to kindergarten on time ever. He wanted to keep sleeping. I had no friends in kindergarten. When I entered gradeschool, people started bullying me, including my homeroom teacher.

I was weird. I wouldnt sit still. I wasnt interest in the same things the other girls were. I wasnt a girl. Im not a woman. I was different. And what is different needs to be snuffed out. I was beat up, spit on, ridiculed, isolated. My dad "helped" me with my homework. All he did was scream.

When i was 8 my parents divorced. I stayed with my mom. Things looked up. I got behavioral therapy and my mom found a new boyfriend who made her happy. A week before my 10th birthday my dad kidnapped me. He took me to my grandma and left me there. My aunt told me my mom never wanted me. I didnt sleep that week. He took me back on my 10th birthday, tired and traumatized.

When my parents divorced i thought life would get better. It got worse. My entire childhood, my parents smoked weed. Most of my memories before they divorced ate of empty halls, my room and closed doors. When my parents divorced, my mom promised me there would be no more closed doors. She lied.

I entered middleschool, hoping for a fresh start. The bullying was even worse there. School was a living nightmare. I got ridiculed, beat up and excluded. The teachers blamed me and did nothing.

When i was 11, a boy who was basically a big brother to me used my admiration for him. He raped me. It took me 8 years to admit its what he did. But he did it. He raped me. Several times. And that is something i have to live with.

By the age of 12 i was actively suicidal. I wanted to die.

I was scared, and frustrated, and traumatised, and lonely. I thought i could confide in my mom. I was wrong.

My mom did not have a hood life either. She was traumatized and depressed. She abused and neglected me.

The first time i feared for my life,i was in the car with my mom. She had to pick me up from a camping trip in her 2 hour lunch break of a 12 hour work day. She drove over the speed limit. Forced smile. Clenched teeth. Wide eyes fixed on the road. An unsettling grimace i came to see many times after. I can picture it perfectly in my head even now. It still makes me flinch.

When i wanted to talk to my mom about my issues it always went the same way. I would talk about my issues.she wouldlisten for a while. She would cry and get up. Sit on the ground in the kitchen, rocking back and forth, rambling that she is a horrible mother, the worst. Shed bang her head against the wall. Id comfort her.

Sometimes, she would take a knife, or speed the car and say that if life was so bad maybe she should just kill us both. I learned to fear for my life. I learned to lie. I learned to keep to myself. To lock up my feelings.

I learned there was no one for me to rely on.

I was a good kid. I was a quiet kid. I was a smart kid.

I was a lazy kid. A spoiled kid. A messy kid. A clingy kid. A troublesome kid.

I was a disabled kid.

I was a kid raised by closed doors. A kid who was scolded for not knowing how to do things i was never taught. I was a kid with no one to cry to.

I was a kid.

When i was 14, a boy i considered a friend tried to rape me. I pulled 2 knives on him and he ran.

When i was 17 a boy from my class punched me in the back of the head. I had head trauma. And my teacher said a sentence that still hangs in my head today.

"You know it is kind of your fault he hit you, you are weird after all."

She made me apologize to the person who injured me without a reason.

I survived highschool. I went to college. I was no longer bullied. Things got better. I did not.

On a warm spribg day i came home early. I found my mother who had attempted suicide. I called an ambulence. She said she didnt want me to find her. She got help. She got better. I didnt.

I got diagnosed with autism at 18 years old. For the first time things made sense. I made sense. I wasnt bad. I wasnt weird. I was autistic.

When i was 19 my best friend for the past four years confessed that she loved me. And i loved her too. We started a long distant relationship. I lived in germany, she lived in sweden.

That year i visited her over newyears. And the first time i saw her in the airport. The first time she held me. It was the first time in my life i felt complete. She proposed to me on new years. I said yes.

The day i came back to germany i realized that it wasnt my home. My home was in sweden. With her.

I moved 2 months later, and i havent looked back since.

It has almost been a year since i first came here. It is now 2 am. And my wife is sleeping next to me. And my cat is purring in my lap. And I'm alive. Because of her.

Life got better. And so did I. <p/>

[autistickitten]

Long post (we added spaces and a readmore)

Hello! I didn’t know if i could submit asks or whatever this is, and i checked and it seems like this is okay! It’s a little long winded, i apologize greatly, my thoughts are just everywhere right now and i needed to get this out, thank you in advance!

When i was younger i had all the stereotypical signs of asd, i rocked, i lined toys up along with everything else in the house, i had meltdowns over seemingly innocuous things, i had sensory issues, i’d cry when i had my teeth brushed, i couldn’t eat certain foods, i cried as though it hurt when i got my nails clipped and i had to have the same cream colored pillow and fluffy white blanket with me to go to sleep.

At one point i needed nemo to be playing on my mom’s laptop, one night i woke up and it wasn’t playing. It wasn’t as though i was gonna watch it but it shook me to the core. I cried and screamed so bad i puked all over myself. My mom says she doesn’t remember that, she was there, i do.

I had similar issues growing up but they became more social. I was bullied. I’d cry. People would make fun of me and i didn’t understand. I was very different. I thought i was stupid but everyone else seemed to disagree as well. I couldn’t understand.

At the age of 7 i was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, a chronic genetic disorder that at the time was somewhat of a death sentence. My mom was told my life span was 20 years old, it was a miracle i was alive to this point without doctors knowing. I was very sick as a child as well. A common cold meant pneumonia and occasional seizures at some point.

My whole life begun to revolve around my cystic fibrosis. So many things i couldn’t do. That’s not the point though. The point is there was no room for other diagnoses. My mom wasn’t going to look into her suspicions for various reasons, my behavior wasn’t stereotypical enough i suppose, and i was already sick enough. So we focused on that instead. I wasn’t diagnosed and i continued to grow up weird and different.

By 5th grade i was put into homeschooling. This wasn’t because of the asd, but instead because my sister had finally told my mom that our step father and been abusing her ( and me unbeknownst to her yet ) , both sexually, physically, emotionally, etc. for four years since he came into our lives.

The court dates and other things such as having to deal with all the weight of it all got to me, i couldn’t go to public school anymore. I was homeschooled for 4 years. I was so terribly behind. I felt so stupid. Things i knew i should know were mysteries to me. I cried over homework almost every time. I hit myself and broke pencils and ripped paper because i was so stupid. I just didn’t know what went wrong, i was so smart. I just couldn’t understand the things i was being taught.

I’m rambling… i went into public school again before those four years, for 6th grade. I was only there for a few months before i broke down in front of my mom crying. I couldn’t handle it all. I was bullied there too. I know that wasn’t the only reason.

Skip forward and when i was around 11 years old i was talking to my mom and she mentioned the fact that she had suspected i had autism when i was younger. I asked why and she explained all my strange behaviors to me. I asked if she got me tested, she didn’t.

What i’d known of autism then was based on my cousin, whose only reason for being diagnosed i know now, being that she was nonverbal. When i was younger i had heard somewhere and reasoned that she had been dropped on a skateboard as a child and that’s why she was the way she was. This was based on the way other people described her autism near me. They weren’t kind. I thought this was strange, that my mom considered this. I brushed it under the rug. She would later deny to a specialist that she ever suspected it.

A year or more later and i started noticing my weird behavior more. I did research into autism. I may not have mentioned but i’m very good at research. As a child i’d organize alphabetically all the species of big cats and hummingbirds and different kinds of littlest pet shop. I mailed a little to the company even after writing down a list of all the animals they never made yet (a list i made after going over the dictionary so many times) and sent it them.

I did research and found i fit the bill quite perfectly. I even spoke in a monotone voice and overly formally. I had a hard time expressing emotions and my social skills were absolutely terrible. But no one could tell very well because i was very interested in human behavior and i mimicked them well. This would be a downfall later on.

I brought this up to my sister and she said it made sense. I knew shed see it that way. My mom, completely disagreed. I stayed quiet. Didn’t bring it up for quite a while. I went through many psychs. I finally asked one about a possible aspergers or asd diagnosis. She said i’m too high functioning to benefit from it and that she can tell i don’t have it just by looking at me. She said everyone is a little autistic. I stayed quite longer.

I finally asked another one years or so later. She recommended me a specialist. I was so happy. Finally i’d be validated for my struggles. I was worried of how i should act. I figured shed be able to see through my neurotypical mask. I was wrong.

My mom thought it was ridiculous that i had asked for a specialist. She asked if i’m just doing it for fun. I was very worried. I acted different and didn’t share the whole truth with the specialist and my mom definitely lied during the screening. I asked her later about all the things i thought was evidence for a diagnosis. She denied a lot of it. When asked if i ever hurt myself during these “tantrums” she said no. i specified if i ever hit or scratched myself because i vividly remember doing that and even do it today, she said “every kid does that when they have tantrums.” at one point the specialist said that schizophrenia was on the autism spectrum, this took me aback, such old beliefs i couldn’t understand how this was coming from a 20 or 30 some year old.

I still don’t know why she still thinks that. The specialist said she always worried she would pass someone autistic by as neurotypical and that they would go without a diagnosis and without help. She said she didn’t worry about that with me cause i didn’t give off that “vibe.” during the screening my mom mentioned the trauma and it’s like a switch flipped in the specialists brain, all of this was the traumas fault, i just needed to continue my depression and anxiety therapy for a few months and i’d probably be better.

I hate this all. I understand it has an effect but my trauma isn’t the root of all my causes and i hate having my real issues be passed off using that as a reason. The shit i went through doesn’t explain every bit of evidence that was present before the matter, of course she never really addressed that. i was devastated. I hated myself. I thought i’d lost my last chance at a diagnosis and it was all my fault. I went home and had a meltdown.

I questioned myself and all of my research. I talked to my counselor about this and she said i should ask for a reevaluation. I did eventually. I will be having a call with the specialist soon and i’m scared. I’m scared because she is the only specialist in my area and i will sound like i’m shopping for a diagnosis to her. I’m so scared.

I’m sorry this was so long winded, i just needed to get this out here. If possible, could someone give me some advice please? It doesn’t matter what, just any? Thank you so very much. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

This is the Sad Kitty submission. I forgot to put that I am afab and that it doesn’t seem like the specialist had any experience in diagnosing and identifying “female traits” of autism. Sorry to bother

Will the reevaluation be with the same person ? That specialist seems to hold quite a few outdated beliefs, but still, it can’t hurt to try ! Here’s a few suggestions:

We always advise to print out the DSM criteria, which you can find a bit below in our posts, and annotate it with the traits you show, with specific exemples if you can. Writing out a bit about your life can also be helpful. (Or even just printing this ask out would work !) If your mom isn’t cooperative, maybe bring your sister instead ?

And just answer the questions truthfully, without exaggerating or underplaying your traits.

It’s possible that you aren’t autistic, but a person that goes for an autism diagnosis is never neurotypical, so I hope if it’s not autism (or if you have something in addition to autism, like me) the specialist figures out what it is so you can get the proper supports ! :)

Good luck !

- Sister Cat

And if you get an answer you weren’t expecting, whether that’s no diagnosis or a different diagnosis, demand an explanation and demand help! Remember, a psych’s job doesn’t end at diagnosis, it starts there, so no matter what answers you get, make sure they’re doing their job and giving you the help you need.

-Brother Cat

[aspergersissues]

13 Reasons Why

This post will contain spoilers for the show and real references to suicide. Please don't read this unless you're okay with both. I talk to almost no one that knew me during my middle/high school years. Basically, only family members. Even then, my adoptive parents never took what I was going through serious and probably didn't talk about it much other than just mentioning general bullying. Because of that, I want to use the new Netflix series 13 Reasons Why to illustrate the severity of things. I just finished 13 Reasons Why, tonight. I heard about it on a podcast a few days ago– that people were saying it glorified suicide, followed by a brief description. I watch the first eight hours on Tuesday, then the remaining five hours today. I was glued to it. First, it does NOT glorify suicide. It shows how horrific a choice it is and how much it impacts everyone around the person. The fact they even showed the suicide itself and her parents finding her showed how awful and ugly it is. I don't understand how that's a controversy unless people just haven't watched it and are basing it on the synopsis. Now, with that out of the way. I am Hannah Baker. Well, I was. I was bullied as bad as she was and possibly worse. Everything she went through in the series is remarkably similar to experiences in my life (including the fact I almost committed suicide twice). It was eerie. I've been crying my eyes out frequently, the past few days, recalling things I'd buried way down and tried to forget about. I know this series is hard as hell to watch, but I want to ask something of my friends and family: If it won't be psychologically triggering for you, please watch the show for me. I want you to fully grasp what I've been through. It's hard to understand this through me giving short details. Seeing it acted out in front of you, as this show does, forces you to feel it. Once you have, or if you don't mind spoilers, read ahead. I wanted to take the 13 tapes in the show and look back at my life and similar incidents. The fact these are all so similar shakes me. No one should suffer through a life like this. No one. I speak out about this when I am able (which isn't as much as I would like) in some unlikely potential that just one kid can be spared from this. Just like Hannah, every time I tried to reach out for a social connection, it was ripped away harder. I am very bad with names (damned prosopagnosia), so bear with me if I have to use a description of a character over a name. Justin- I think this is Hanna's first tape. She went on one date with the guy and they kissed. He had a suggestive picture of her going down the slide and that turned into the rumor that she fucked on the first date and was a slut. I didn't get that rumor since I didn't date until I was 18, but rumors spread quickly as hell. I don't remember them all now, but I heard in 6th grade that people thought I regularly took LSD. Everyone knew I was gay (I am, but that's a complicated issue for other reasons). There were dozens of rumors floating around about me, each more crazy and horrible than the last. People assumed they were true and they followed me my entire time in public school, resurfacing at the worst times. Jess- Hannah is assigned a friend by the school, but it actually worked out. Then they quickly grow apart, but Hannah doesn't find a new friend. I was assigned a friend by the school. More than five times over the years, I don't remember the exact number. It never worked out. Never. They had other friends and no need for me. They quickly decided rumors about me were true because I was a little weird and started avoiding me or bullying me with the others. Alex- Another friend that grew apart quickly, but then made rumors about Hannah worse. I had a few people I'd latch onto for a few months here or there that would then turn on me to get a laugh from their friends at my expense. These were usually how rumors about me got so crazy. They would embellish older ones and make them more extreme and get believed because we'd hung out a few times. Off the top of my head, I remember six of these. These hurt BAD. Nothing like trusting someone only to have them turn on you. What was worse was the ones who used stuff I showed them to make up new rumors that had hints of truth to be more believable. Tyler- the stalker. Taking pictures of Hannah in her bedroom and other places. I've had three stalkers in my life. One in high school and two after. I've experienced the awfulness of not feeling safe anywhere and always thinking that someone could be looking at you. Thank god this was before people could easily share pictures on the internet. ((honor roll girl with the gay dads))- I'm impressed it took me this long before I forgot a name. This girl hangs out with Hannah and they attempt to catch the stalker together. They get a bit tipsy and honor roll girl starts to kiss Hannah and pressure her to make out, revealing she's a closet lesbian. Stalker gets a picture of them, they realize it's Tyler, honor roll girl panics and runs. Denies she even knows Hannah from here on out. This has happened to me three times. Three. The first was in middle school. Very casually dating a girl, said I love you, she denied knowing me anymore after that. We'd known each other since 4th grade. Second was in high school. We had a mild romantic fling (nothing serious) while on a trip to France with a class. Told someone that I wasn't sure, but she might be my girlfriend, after we returned to school. She told me off and said she would never even consider dating me in front of an entire class. The last was shortly after high school. Dated a girl in college. She went home for summer and I went up to visit for three weeks. While there, she fucked me stupid, proposed marriage to me, introduced me as a romantic partner to even her parents. When she came back down to Florida a couple weeks later, all my "friends" said she was telling them she was single and looking and I made everything up. Each of these fueled more rumors, as they did with Hannah who was now easy, a slut, and a lesbo. ((class president dude))- Agrees to date with Hannah, makes her wait an hour, sweet talks her into trying to date anyway, tries to get physical despite protests, then yells at her saying "I thought you were supposed to be easy!" At 17, I had a 45 year old gay man do the same to me, but I didn't know it was a date. Since I've never been attracted to guys, it never occurred to me that he was interested in me that way. We were meeting with the pretense of working on music together. So yeah, thought I was working with a musical colleague and making a friend in the process. Instead, almost get raped. ((cute quiet basketball guy))- Tries to pick up the last guy's rebound (no pun intended) and when he's turned down, starts doing cruel things to Hannah to get even (stealing anonymous compliment letters left for her in a class that are her last holdout of human contact- hard to explain without seeing it). I had someone who was supposed to be a friend of mine, according to the school and parents, despite them repeatedly hurting me. I'm just going to pick out one specific thing she did, here. I forget what grade, but I started getting extremely violent and specific death threats in my locker. I went to that friend, first, who told me to be careful; someone must really hate me. I'd been bullied for so long as this point, that it didn't seem unlikely at all. After a week of this, the date of warning was up. This was when I was going to be shot or stabbed, I forget which. I went to the principal and delivered the twenty or so notes. They figured out it was that friend who'd be leaving them. I was shaking from a massive panic attack before I found out (they sent me back to class a period before the time on the notes). There was no punishment for that friend. This is the earliest full panic attack I can remember. Clay- Hannah's clueless love interest. She wants him to make the move so bad, but he just doesn't know how. When he finally does, she freaks out from all the abuse she's taken and pushes him away. He doesn't fight her pushing back (I probably would have reacted the same way in that situation) and she decides that she's lost him and he hates her. This is the one and only tape I couldn't relate to. I never had anyone get that close to me until well after high school. Thankfully, I didn't push them away. That said, I can vividly remember many times with everyone I played Magic with in high school where something I would say or do would cause them to explode at me and tell me to get out and never talk to them again. I blame that squarely on me being autistic and not diagnosed back then. I'm sure I said several things I didn't know were a problem because I didn't know how to interact with others or that I had a problem. Couple that with social ignorance from not ever having friends and it's no shock. That's probably the closest I got to pushing anyone away. ((other cheerleader))- It's hard to work with this one, as it's so specific. She knocks down a stop sign and won't wait for Hannah to call the police and report it, leading to a fatal accident that gets blamed on someone else. I can find one way to relate to it. At least a dozen times, I've been abandoned by friends who've driven me somewhere and just didn't feel like telling me they're leaving. This was in the days before cell phones. There was a lot of walking home, or using a payphone to call around for a ride when it was far. I still have dreams about those long walks on busy roads in Florida. These really showed that no one gave a second thought towards my well-being. Bryce- the big one. He rapes Hannah. If you thought I wouldn't relate to this, I've got bad news for you. I have been. MANY times. I had a sociopath for a girlfriend just after high school. I don't just throw that word around as an insult or anything. Looking back with hindsight, she was legitimately a sociopath. I was naive and autistic, and she took advantage of that. She was also the first person I came out to as transgender and gay and she didn't hate me for it. In fact, she embraced it and helped me deal with it a bit. Because of that, I put up with a lot that I shouldn't have. I caught her cheating on me twice and let it go. Sadly, it was much worse than that. I later learned that she was sleeping with at least five other people who all thought I knew about it and got off on it. I only caught her because she got an STD from one of them and then gave it to me. I still deal with that reminder of her to this day. Why wasn't I careful to avoid the STD, you ask? She raped me. Frequently. Like, held me down and forced herself on me type of rape. She convinced me that men couldn't be raped (not that I was really a man, but that's moot). The day she was diagnosed with the STD and visible symptoms, I was with her in the doctor's room. I drove her home after and she talked me into coming inside. Despite all my protests, she once again held me down and raped me. That's how I contracted HPV. She broke up with me (yeah, you read that right) around a week later and told me that she'd only stayed with me so long so she could say she was in a relationship for three years (we broke up two days after our anniversary). She broke up with me with her new boyfriend there– the one she got HPV from. The relationship had tons of horrific stuff in it, but I'm narrowing it down to this, for now. ((guidance councilor))- Hannah comes out to the councilor about wanting to kill herself while he repeatedly answers the phone, blows her off, and tells her to "just move on" about the rape. She storms out of his office but waits outside the door to see if he'll chase after her. He doesn't. After this, she kills herself. I've already demonstrated that I had inept and uncaring school faculty above, but that rabbit hole goes much deeper than I can get into without writing an entire book. There is one guidance councilor that catches my attention, though, after flashbacks I got from this scene. In high school, I was assigned one of the four guidance councilors based on my last initial. Despite clearly being autistic, OCD, and having anxiety disorders, she never clued in to any of that. She blew me off when I dropped out of gifted in 9th grade because the teacher was even bullying me. She blew off all bullying, honestly, using the whole "are you doing anything to cause this?" bullshit we hear in the show at one point. Despite being incredibly intelligent in conversations, she looked at my falling grades– which were mostly Ds and Fs by 11th grade– and wrote me off as a junkie who would never amount to anything. I'm not guessing, she told me that to my face. It didn't matter that I'd never tried any drugs or alcohol, she knew it by my grades. Whenever I had to go to her for scheduling or even just counseling, she treated me horribly. I was obvious that I was just a burden to her and she wanted nothing to do with me. I even went so far as to petition the school for a new councilor, but was repeatedly denied. "She really does care about you! Look what she wrote in her report." She told me repeatedly that I was a waste of life and to just drop out of high school. The person with the job to be the last hope for someone like me just wasn't there in the least. Just like for Hannah. It's no wonder, looking back on this stuff that I came so close to suicide twice. Hell, I'm barely scratching the surface of what happened to me. We could throw in the physical stuff (eye gouging, hit with chairs, cleaning solvents sprayed in my mouth and eyes, etc), but that's nothing to the emotional abuse. No one was there for me, ever. Every time I'd try to reach out to another human being for some level of companionship, I'd be struck down harder than the last time. My parents never took any of this that seriously, either. I had no one until my 20's. Is it any wonder I was so depressed and turned so inward? I still credit body art (tattoos, piercings, and the like) for saving my life and giving me a reason to feel joy again. Without it, I know I wouldn't have made it to adulthood. I honestly don't know how I made it to 18 to get to those, though. I remember holding the knife once, being so close to cutting. The other time, I don't even remember how I was going to do it. I was beyond a mess that time. I've never had a good way to explain to people, to show them just how bad things really got. How many times I reached out to other people and found nothing or even more despair. 13 Reasons Why finally portraits it in its horrific reality. I've never seen such an analogue for my life that gets it so correct. They always gloss over things and try to paint a less gritty picture, thinking viewers/readers won't be able to cope with it. Netflix finally gave someone a chance to show the authentic version of high school that people like me experience. I will end with a comment about Tyler's character. Look at the way the group treats him throughout the series. This was also my life. Trying to be included in anything resulted in reactions like those. I was forced out of pretty much everything. If I was included, it was just to humiliate me. Seeing his guns at the end is deeply troubling to me. It's troubling not because of what he might do, it's that I feel sympathy, compassion, and understand his motives. I don't want to feel that way, but I totally get what he's been through. When you watch, pay attention to how he's treated, as well as Hannah. Combine them, and that's me– even the people cheering my name when I'd walk into parties (not that I went to many). Is it any wonder why I changed my name in my 20's? I want to be as separate from my past as I can be. I'm not that person anymore, thankfully. I survived it, but only barely. Others in my spot aren't as lucky.

[bellabooks]

Becoming Supergirl: How fandom helped me embrace who I am

I didn’t know it until just recently, but I am autistic, (on top of being a female, Cuban, and lesbian.) It went unnoticed my whole life, and I now realize that it was the core reason for most of what I faced growing up. Simple situations that most kids could overcome were harder for me. Being a kid, I was always considered different. Hell, I still am. Everyone who met me, especially my teachers, always threw around words like “odd”, “quirky”, and “weird.” I was quiet. I kept to myself, reading my schoolbooks and doodling whenever I daydreamed. I was always really clumsy too, constantly tripping or falling down. Even though I never interacted with other kids, they would still pick on me. I didn’t know why, I never picked up on social cues. I still don’t. I was considered the Teachers Pet and the smart kid in class and no one liked me for it. But I didn’t really care. Well I did, but I guess my mind just glossed over it. I remember my fifth grade teacher assigned us to write a story about the Appalachian Mountains for history. Man, I was SO hyped! All I did as a kid was read two books a day and write about things. Mind you I was ten at the time, but I always thought of myself as “older”. So I wrote it my story, showed it off to my mom and grandmother, anyone who would read it. I was so proud of myself for this awesome story I wrote. When I turned it in, I was excited for my teacher to read it. I stood there smiling, watching her read it. And then, all of a sudden, Mrs. Nelson was yelling at me, saying it was terrible. I specifically remember her grabbing my arm and shoving the paper in my face saying, “It’s called the Appalachian Mountains, not the rocky mountains!” “I wrote rocky as a descriptive word, not the actual mountain range.” I was so confused as to why she was mad. I still don’t get it when I think about it. I was thinking logically about the whole situation, instead of breaking down and crying at being yelled at. Just picture it, little ten year old me and the whole class staring at us, whispering and pointing and I’m just stood there looking at her like she was the crazy one. Of course, I was still affected by this, but not like a normal kid. I just wanted to know why she was mad. Not my mom though. Boy she went OFF when I explained to her what happened. Even went to the school to talk to the principal and I’m just there, sitting in my chair, daydreaming about a book I was reading. In a way she was angry for me when I was the one who should have been crying and sad over it all. In my head, I had written a great story and that was that. I kept facing these situations up until I dropped out of high school and got my GED. Honestly, I just couldn’t do it anymore and decided to just do things my way. So, I did. Mind you, I still was un-diagnosed at this time. Cut to me at 24, realizing I was gay. Now this was the one thing that I truly struggled with. I’d known that I always liked girls, but in my head I didn’t see anything wrong with it. I tried to approach it logically as I usually do. But slowly I let society and my best friend at the time get inside my head. It was the first time I dealt with something that I just couldn’t explain away or brush off. With Autism, you can be hyper empathetic, or completely non-feeling. Growing up, it was the latter for me, I realize that now. However, when you’re with a group of people who you consider family, and all they talked about was “gay is wrong” and “all gays are going to hell” it eventually settles in your head like a mantra. I started to deal with this internalized homophobia, and tried to convince myself I wasn’t gay. I dated boys and started to become this person that just wasn’t who I was. My struggle with coming out wasn’t just about me facing it and it brought out part of me I didn’t know about. It brought out the part of my autism that I had locked away inadvertently in my childhood. So I did what I thought would help. I turned to comics (and some alcohol. I am human after all.) Sounds silly, but it opened up this whole new world to me. Finally, I found a group of people who spoke my language! The fact that I could just sit there and talk to someone about Supergirl (Team #Sanvers and #Supercorp!), Doctor Who and most recently, Wynonna Earp, for hours and no one judged me for it? I fell in love. I was relating to these characters because I saw their struggle and realized that I wasn’t alone, and that there were others I could speak to. And not just the LGBT characters either. I mean, Supergirl goes up against bullies and life’s struggles like we all do. But she’s an alien from another planet who is struggling with the world she is now in, not understanding social rules and having to hide who she really is and all of her anger. I straight up relate to her every day. The fact that I could talk to complete strangers but not my own “friends” was also a huge eye opener for me. It brought this diversity in my life I hadn’t encountered and started to help me in a twisted way. via cwsupergirlgifs.tumblr Fast-forward to my diagnosis and everything just clicked. My obsessiveness with certain things was explained as having a special interest and me not wanting to be gay was my mind trying to protect me from shutdowns and meltdowns, which I went through big time. Freak outs in public from sensory over load, (I still can’t eat grapes) or shutting myself away for days at home because I just didn’t have it in me to even get up and shower. I’ve lost countless jobs over this, and people because I ignored them. I had just come out, found out I was autistic, and even though my inner circle accepted me, I still come across people who judge me for being gay or autistic. We all do. It’s the reality of society and the world we live in. I was just asked at work the other day if I dress like a boy when I don’t wear my uniform. (I just stared at my coworker until she grew uncomfortable and walked away. I laughed and high fived myself.) I also get a lot of “you don’t look autistic” whenever I tell someone. Every. Single. Time. This is the core problem with mental illness and why it is so easy for it to be ignored by people. I’ve come to accept my quirks and oddity and weirdness. I did lose that best friend; she just wanted me to be “normal.” Well guess what? I am normal, and normal is a 29-year-old autistic lesbian who enjoys watching comic book shows, and writing fantasy novels. http://dlvr.it/Nqh0pc

[autstudy]

I can not begin to explain how much you have changed my life. I came across your post on autistic study advice two days before finding out that I could not go back to my college. It was the first time I ever heard that my asperger's could affect thing that weren't social. It was the first time I ever heard about executive dysfunction. I got to talk to my mom about it and we reframed so many of my lifelong struggles that night, and when I foud out about my college, it made it easier on both of us

“So thank you for this blog. I’ve just been looking through it for a few minutes and I can’t tell you how happy it makes me. I feel the love and care you put into it and it makes me feel like I am supported. I just can’t express how much you have impacted my life and the life of my family (i have 2 siblings also on the spectrum and I love being able to help them) this is a great resource, keep up the great work!”

Thank you for such kind words, but I can’t really take credit for this because almost every single thing I put in that post is stuff I learned from other autistic people: in books, articles, YouTube videos and tumblr posts. And the reason I’ve decided to make this blog in the first place is because that knowledge, a fraction of which I put into the post, really did change my life as well.

From the beginning of middle school I started struggling a lot and because I was previously considered a “gifted child” (hyperlexic, interested in science, speaking like a little professor, a dozen more autism stereotypes and traits…) everyone thought I was just being lazy and not trying hard enough. But lazy wasn’t a significant part of it, not at all! It was so many things.

First of all because I didn’t have any problems whatsoever before the age of 11/12, I never learned how to learn. Before I used to be the person who got everything on the first try and was bored half the time in class and got straight As with practically no effort. I hated a lot of things about school - the noise, the food I couldn’t eat, the PE classes, sitting still for an entire lesson, etc - but many things were forgiven. I had a good teacher, I had friends who protected me, I had parents who would literally tie my shoelaces up until I was ten or so. I managed.

But then in middle school the help was suddenly gone, responsibilities increased, and so many things changed. I no longer had that kind, understanding teacher, and my friends went to a different school. I tried to make new friends but I couldn’t and half a year later the bullying started, and lasted for several years (which gave me severe social anxiety). And since I didn’t have the learning skills I started struggling with school material - I didn’t fail classes, but I stopped being a straight As student, and everyone told me I was just lazy. But I wasn’t. I was working hard, and it didn’t work.

And now I recognize all these problems: sensory overload, executive dysfunction, delayed sleep phase disorder, communication problems, and so on. But back then I didn’t. I thought I was defective or broken. I thought it was all my fault.

Scroll forwards several years, and I have changed schools after being so burnout and miserable I literally refused to leave my room ever again, tried to adapt at a new school, failed, got a permission to be homeschooled (for physical health problems), was expelled from that school for being too difficult to deal with, and finished high school partially at home, partially in a “school for adults”.

Being homeschooled I finally learned how to study properly and built a friendly environment for myself, by trial and error, not knowing how it worked. I passed my exams okay but it wasn’t a big achievement. I was often too embarrassed to tell anyone that I didn’t actually go to high school or that I didn’t have a prom. And then I discovered what autism was.

Long story short, I spent months doing research, came to the conclusion I was probably autistic, and got my ASD diagnosis in January 2016. It explained everything. Suddenly I wasn’t broken or defective, I was just different! And so many of my problems… they had a solution. A very easy solution, often enough. If only I knew that in middle school… I have no idea how different my life would be.

And now I’m a student in the oldest university of Poland, studying in a foreign language that I honestly don’t even speak that well, and I finished my first semester with an average grade 4.2 out of 5 average. Five years ago I would laugh at that. It seemed unbelievable. I planned a quiet future for myself - work in a library, write stuff on the weekends, etc. Now I’m on my way to my dream job - a scientist.

All my problems are still with me, but now I solve them, thanks to the wisdom of the autistic community. Yes I’m still disabled and frankly rather weird (find another student whose dad accompanies them to lectures and back…) but now I’m living as a disabled person and not like a defective abled person. I recognize were the disability comes from and try to accommodate for it, and I don’t pretend that it doesn’t exist.

More than that, now I can actually share my experience and compile my knowledge into posts and articles because I wanna prove to other autistic people that things they think are impossible might not be so, if they are provided with adequate help and support. I wanna give them solutions to their problems and help them believe in themselves. “Yes you can!” is bullshit - sometimes you lack the support and accommodations needed to “can”. But maybe I can help. Maybe others can help if they will know how. Instead, I say “You can more than you think you do - you just need to know HOW”.

And this got ridiculously wrong but I guess I had a lot to say.