#we spend so long talking about how people in the past believed silly things like that you can sail off the edge of the earth

[inmirova]

I hate having to take lower-level classes not necessarily because they're boring but because I feel the need to fill in additional information in my answers and notes so it takes me twice as long. why was jean-baptiste lamarck wrong in his theory of inheritance of acquired characteristics? well the problem is he was almost right but we're not learning that right now.

[llamagoddessofficial]

Okay wait! We need more fae farm Sans please! that was too good! What would it look like when Sans's secret is revealed?

HFKDSJ okay, here's some more.

I really don't think he'd be too worried about it, when you discover his otherworldly nature. Because neither would you. Everyone already knows he's kind of strange, rumours of him not being 'normal' are abound. At that point, you would've already spent many moons getting to know him, being vulnerable without even realising - and you'd be living in a world where fae aren't uncommon at all. He's already proven himself a trustworthy friend. Why would you be scared of him?

... Especially since you have no reason to believe he's anything other than normal fae.

What you (a human) might forget is that the fair folk are not a homogeneous group. Some fae even other fae fear. He's one such entity.

It's difficult to tell if he's more powerful than Dream or Nightmare, considering he spends all his time... well, farming. It's also difficult to compare them because while all three are very ancient, they trace back to very different lineages. Dream and Nightmare are fae of butterflies, flowers, mushrooms, trees, seasons. Farmer is of ferns - of bogs, of gingkos, pine and moss.

Yall remember my Forest God AU? He's like if a Forest God got its act together, and just decided to settle down in a humanoid form. He's lived long enough to know what really matters... things like soft socks, a place to call home, the eyes and lips of a human you love.

He calls you "chickadee". It's his favourite bird.

People from the nearby village will giddily ask if you and Farmer are 'courting'. The delightful but mysterious bachelor finally has someone he likes? Everyone's rooting for him!

You have a very important role, on his farm. Very very important. You're his preserves tester. How is he supposed to know his jams and chutneys are any good, without someone of refined palate to assist him?

He has a really wonderful singing voice.

Old habits die hard; he still likes to trade. But the trades are silly, and often just an excuse for him to play. You want to hear him sing again? Better 'trade' by agreeing to cuddle up by the fire with him. You want another song, because the last sounded so ancient and beautiful and unlike anything you've ever heard? Try his spiced rice pudding, then he'll think about it.

His favourite food is roasted chestnuts.

His farm rests on the boundary between the fae and human worlds. You can enter from either side - and if you're not careful, leave on the wrong side. Farmer always walks you the right way, but if someone he doesn't like decides to make their leave, he might not be so attentive to where they're going.

You can stay at his farm without turning into fae. Alternatively, if you enter his property from the fae side, your transformation into fae is paused.

Wouldn't be surprised if he can reverse an incomplete transformation.

He talks fondly, but in the past tense, about a brother.

[rabbitblackx]

Hello again, can i request an Bubba Sawyer x Shy reader: When Bubba introduce them to his family for the first time, at first, the reader was nervous that his family might disprove of them since their cannibals but was proved wrong when they interact with his family? (Side note: Bubba and the reader were together for a long time and he come up with the idea of introducing them to his family since he's been telling his family all about them.)

Hope that your having a great month rabbit 😊

Hope u don’t mind it’s just a silly little headcanon thing!🫠💞 also hope ur having a spectacular day!!😸💖

Shy!Reader meets Bubba’s family

You had been in a relationship with Bubba for quite a while now. You met on accident one night, while him and Chop-Top were ‘grocery shopping’. Instead of killing you, Bubba grew a fondness for your shy smile and pretty face. He didn’t let Chop-Top see you, effectively hiding you away while they wasted anybody else nearby

To Bubba’s surprise, him being a cannibal killer wasn’t a dealbreaker. You still actually really liked him. You just had a hard time expressing it due to your shyness and fear

This strange, masked man continued to visit you almost every night, clearly infatuated with you. There were times where you didn’t utter a single word. You just sat with Bubba in your living room, silently admiring each other. Though you didn’t speak, your big shy eyes said a thousand words

It was now the day where you were gonna finally meet Bubba’s family. You were dreading this for the longest time. You stood outside this abandoned theme park with Leatherface, visibly shaking

“Maybe we should just turn back. They’re not gonna like me.” You squeaked

Your boyfriend made a grunt of disagreement, placing a large paw on your shoulder. You glanced down at it, before shyly meeting his gaze

“I’m scared, Bubba.” You uttered

Bubba attempted to comfort you with numerous pets and a small cuddle. He wished he could tell you how keen his brothers actually were to meet you. He had told them all about you

Bubba led you down into the quarters of the theme park in which they lived. The large space was littered with bright lights, skeletons and dust. It wasn’t that bad…

As soon as Chop-Top Sawyer popped up to greet you, you were immediately hiding behind Bubba. You squeaked in fear and pressed flush against his back. Chop-Top couldn’t take a hint, moving around his brother to get a look at you

“This them, Bubba? This yer little friend?” He crooned

Bubba nodded his head, carefully pulling you out from behind him by your waist and setting you next to him. Chop-Top’s wide blue eyes and insane grin made you hug your boyfriend’s arm tight

“Hi…” you peeped shyly

Chop-Top was loud and boisterous as ever, crudely complimenting you on how good looking you were. Of course, you had no idea how to respond, face red and pressing against Bubba’s arm. As different as you were to this man, he wasn’t the one you were afraid of the most. It was their oldest brother, Drayton, that you were anxious to impress

Drayton emerged from the kitchen with a surprised look on his face. He couldn’t believe that you were here. In fact, he couldn’t believe that you were actually real. For all he knew, Bubba was lying about this imaginary partner of his for the past few months

Drayton felt threatened by you at first, and protective of his baby brother. But once he found how shy and quiet you were, he let his guard down. He was actually quite glad Bubba found you instead of some hussy or whore

You stayed for dinner, where you met grandpa. You liked him. Mostly because he didn’t talk to you but that was beside the point. You barely said anything at all really, making Drayton eye you suspiciously. He liked quiet people. So were you just too good to be true?

After dinner, you stayed back to spend some alone time with Bubba. But just before you were to leave for the night, you popped into the kitchen. It took a lot of courage, but you offered to help Drayton with the dishes. He looked beyond shocked, like he couldn’t believe such kind words came out of your mouth

Bubba watched from afar as you and his brother silently washed dishes together. Just as you thought it was going to get awkward, Drayton turned to you and said something that warmed your faint heart

“I’m glad Bubba brought you home.”

[hooked-on-elvis]

AND THEN, ELVIS MAGIC STRIKES ME... AGAIN ✨

... ON MY BIRTHDAY! 🎂

Okay, so... Sometimes special things cross our ways unexpectedly. I feel we gotta keep ourselves sensitive enough so we can catch the drift or special things can go unnoticed.

I'm gonna share something that just happened to me, so it has nothing biographical about Elvis here -- but in a way it has everything to do with him and his magic pouring onto his fans when we less expect it. ✨

It all started with:

I have a huge Jensen Ackles crush aside from my Elvis Presley burning passion. A few minutes ago I was peeping Jensen's Instagram profile and his last post was one congratulating his wife, Danneel Ackles for her birthday, which is one day previous to mine (March 18) ♥ -- Yes, today, March 19, is my birthday. Okay, very cute but so what?

Then I went to Danneel's Instagram , just because I was already there. Scrolling through her feed, I crossed a funny video of Danneel and Jensen reproducing the video clip of "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon. It was a celebration for their 10th wedding anniversary. 🥹

Danneel and Jensen Ackles video, shared on her Instagram account:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by ᴅᴀɴɴᴇᴇʟ ᴀᴄᴋʟᴇs (@danneelackles512)

Official music video:

Cute, isn't it? I love those the Ackles, oh god. They are such a match! 🥹🩷

Okay, since I've never heard the song before, and I loved it very much, I decided adding it to my Spotify's playlists (yes, to some of them, not just one... it's a real good track this one!). But... talk about how surprised I was when I learned the title of the album that song was released in is "GRACELAND".

Isn't this odd? I know, some people just don't believe in nothing like magic... to some folks everything is just coincidence but I can't help but think this... this album getting to me today, and the way it happened, was kinda a gift from EP to me, on my birthday. 🥹

It's nothing related to his own work or anything but I'm a huge music lover, huge, and I love discovering new songs, specially if they are from the past. I think somehow, someway, this was kinda a gift to me. "Oh, just because the title of the album?" -- Sure but also the way that album crossed my way so randomly like that.

I gotta say I haven't checked on Jensen Ackles' instagram profile in a long while -- no kidding -- let alone his wife's IG! I'm actually not checking anything on Instagram for some months now. So why today? Why clicking on THIS specific video on Danneel's IG? Why visiting her IG, by the way?

You can say all you want as think as you'd like... call me silly, it's fine... but I'll take it as a special gift from Elvis to me. Songs I didn't know before, an entire new album for me to appreciate on my birthday and forever on. ♥

One can spend its life thinking such thing as magic is BS, that it doesn't exist. One can chose to spend its live life in such uninspired, cold, lame way, sure, but... appreciating the little things and believing every little thing is a miracle and a gift to make me smile a little more it's the way I chose to spend MY life -- I feel it's not even a choice, actually. It's just who I am.

Anyway... I know it's a silly, small little thing but this was so random it surprised me greatly.

The song "Graceland" doesn't directly mentions Elvis by name, but ya' know... Elvis and Graceland are a single thing. Anyway... I just felt like sharing this here because:

1. It really impressed me how randomly this thing happened.

2. The album is amazing, so I recommend you to listen to it.

Listen "Graceland" (1986) by Paul Simon on Spotify:

I have felt Elvis Magic in some occasions before, but today it was so special. I feel he's just being a friend and giving me a record for me to enjoy my day. Awwww. I'll never forget this. 🩷✨🎂🥹

[ddlcbrainrot]

Same anon as before yes hello

With Monika I think one thing I always remember with her is that she’s very good at saying stuff she doesn’t seem fully believe. A lot of her act 3 discussions is her acting as if she doesn’t care, that she doesn’t feel guilt, that she truly thinks the others don’t matter. But we know that just isn’t the case. If she never cared then why would she have a protein bar, why didn’t she just delete them all immediately, why did she still have them tucked away? She wants to seem like she’s this all in control mastermind but she just… isn’t. She’s doing so much to try and relate with us but no matter what there’s the part of her that cares that she simply can’t get rid of. She can make her hanging joke, but it’s mostly for us and partially to convince herself. “Oh the player probably doesn’t care, I shouldn’t either, why should I care, the player don’t think they’re real and well they aren’t, but I am.”

For me I rarely call her a full asshole not because what I think she did was right (she fucked up), but because I can constantly see her contradicting herself no matter how hard she tries to be other wise. To me, especially in side stories, Monika wants to SEEM like she’s perfect but she knows in her heart of hearts that she isn’t, that she isn’t capable, that she will never be perfect. But damn it, she has to be. Or else then no one would care about her. Monika definitely seems like she has an ego but it honestly feels so performative for me, especially when in side stories she spends so much time self flagellating herself and her issues as “silly” or “stupid”.

That’s a lot of text and idk if it’s coherent, basically yeah I just think base game Monika tries super hard to seem like some sort of uncaring bad bitch but she isn’t as much as she tries to be. In side stories she’s coming from a good place and in base game it’s a desperate place. Theres a bit of malice there, but it’s not completely her motivator.

And yeah I agree that she wouldn’t automatically become a better person, she’s got a long way. But the first step is to acknowledge the fuck up and that’s what she does after being deleted and being pissy for a bit. And also above all the stuff about her previous guilt that is subtly shown throughout act 3. God she especially realizes some shit after seeing Sayori be in her same position. So in a post game story, she knows she cares about the others and feels guilt. How does she fix it tho? Definitely agree on the self sabotage part, considering Monika doesn’t even let herself be reinstalled in act 4. Her worse enemy is herself. And how can she realize that if no one is able to call her out? Certainly not herself if she thinks it’s the “right thing” to do. It’s all very fascinating and tragic really. But shows how important it is to have other people who are equals to you and can call you out or talk to you, which side stories Monika has in abundance.

I just sent this ask so fast cause I really do enjoy some good conversations about Monika that have so much nuance. She’s so interesting cause of her multitudes.

(And well I’m someone who isn’t on tumblr at all so idk about that, unless some how my writing has breached containment dhdjr)

Monika is a gaslighting queen, even if the person who she is gaslighting is herself lmao. She is definitely not a mastermind, or prefect, even though she wants to appear this way. And she is also not dumb, she knows this. But she keeps trying to convince herself otherwise. I've made a post in the past talking about how obvious her denial is in act 3, and i dont think i need to explain it either, if you play the game and listen to her dialogue its like hilariously and embarrassingly easy to see. There is a slight resentment present for the girls in base game, but its also very apparent that she cares a lot for them even as she tries to convince herself she doesn't.

I wouldn't exactly call her an asshole either, more like... a person who can be sort of shitty sometimes. As for her ego, I do think she truly believes she knows best, and she will follow through with her plans initially without taking into consideration the others, but after she starts second guessing herself quite a lot. Her ego is very contradictory if that makes sense idk

That part about Monika being her worst enemy sums it up pretty well I'd say

(damn maybe my deduction skills aren't as good as i thought then... still i really enjoy ur asks on Monika so I'd say you seeming super cool still stands)

[sencubussubs]

Let’s talk VISION BOARDS

hi lovelies <3

I am a little late to the start of the year but let’s talk VISION BOARDS!

oh my gosh i LOVE vision boards. Every. Single. Thing. i put on my vision board last year manifested - and boy i was NOT good at manifesting (i was overthinking, spiralling, constantly dipping out of believing in manifesting and myself.)

Low effort and loads of fun i absolutely recommend vision boards.

I mentioned in a previous post that part of how vision boards work is by familiarising your brain with seeing the people/places/objects etc on your vision board and partly with emotions! feeling like its all yours now.

-

So, how can we put an effective vision board together?

Well first, what do you want your year to look like?

your vision board can be for any amount of time, but i think year long ones are most common <3 (it doesn’t mean the manifestations will take a whole year!)

You can start with a pen and paper (or notes app) and write down what you want the next year to look like:

It may help to have some headings to organise sections of life. for example:

Career

Relationships

Travel

Experiences/ events

Material Goods

Then you can find specific people/places/things you want to manifest such as a specific career, car or ipad. A specific type of love language e.t.c.

-

Second lets get some useful apps:

- Pinterest (of course!)

- Picsart (or any photo collaging app or website)

(OR ALTERNATIVELY you can print out individual photos, cut, organise and glue down your photos on a piece of cardstock/paper or poster board- the world is your oyster baby!)

-

Apps in tow we can move onto the Third step

finding good pictures!

In my vision board from 2023 i didn’t think too hard about pictures - i found pictures that represented what i wanted, i whacked em where i thought they looked good, printed that baby out and slapped it next too my desk where i looked at it all the time. Not purposefully because i took the time to, but rather just because i would automatically be pulled to look at the bright colours whenever i went to sit down at my desk (and when i would die in my games and need to look away from my screen :P ).

While deciding to do a vision board for 2024 -only during this process did i check my 2023 vision board and realise everything manifested- i watched lots of youtube videos from people whose vision boards were successful. it gave me motivation and enthusiasm to make my vision board and i learned a couple handy tricks along the way:

due to my copy and paste not working on tumblr for some reason, i am going to list the youtubers at the end rather than linking them.

- Using pictures from YOUR point of view

select pictures where it looks like you are already in it - e.g. wanting to read loads in 2024? pictures of someone (with your skin tone) reading with the book in their lap (example pics at the end)

You can also take this further and cut out your own face and put it over people in pictures - sounds silly but it worked for Tam Kaur! (check her out)

- Find pictures that truly invoke the emotions you want to feel

want to be given flowers? don’t settle for any picture of someone giving flowers, find the one that makes you feel the way you feel when you imagine it happening. The one that makes it feel real and heartwarming.

- Make sure you enjoy looking at the pictures/ layout you use!

you are gonna look at this and ingest it subconsciously all the time, so make sure it looks nice! Hopefully the emotions you feel from the pictures will already help this - but we wanna make sure the underlying subconscious message is “this is all already mine” not “oh god i hate this thing”

- Putting it somewhere you often look

if you’re like me, you might not have a manifestation routine and don’t want to consciously decide to spend five minutes staring at the vision board. I placed the vision board next to my desk and schedule, i looked at it every time i sat down - especially because i liked the photos so much it always caught my eye - and whenever i looked away from my screen. This allowed me to subconsciously familiarise myself with all the people/places/things on there! I also had a wallpaper on my phone with another small vision board so i looked at it even more often :)

- lastly, your vision board is yours - you don’t have to share

Honestly i truly believe in keeping my manifestations to myself till after they materialise in the 3D, mostly because of the stress of having other people think you’re crazy - i know that this is also my fault due to everyone is you pushed out, but i feel like for a lot of baby manifesters this is a familiar feeling. Manifestation is your own journey - do not let anyone take away your belief or chip at your self concept!

I am going to make a post soon about addressing people asking about manifestations! <3

-

Final step: HAVE FUN

Enjoy the process and embody the version of yourself who is receiving all of this, It is done, this IS your 2024!

-

the list:

Here are all the youtubers whose videos i watched while creating my vision board for 2024 <3

- Tam Kaur

- Anila Sita 101

- Hailey gamba

- The Gem Goddess

I hope this helped and enjoy making your vision board!

bye lovelies!

Seeing people’s successes really motivates me so i might also make a post on the things i successfully manifested in 2023 with my vision board <3

[lovecolibri]

I feel presumptuous for asking but it's your fault. I'm bored and the buddie posts are wearing me down, any advice on getting started?

On watching 911?!?!? (Hopefully because that's gonna be the whole answer below and I'll feel silly if I fully missed the point of this 🤣)

I'm SO thrilled to be asked, but I'm probably the worst person to answer this, because my response will ALWAYS be "start at the beginning and watch the entire show" because my brain will not work any other way and it is INCONCEIVABLE to me to try and watch a show out of order or only in parts. If anyone else has advice to do this, please jump in (I will only slightly judge you 🤣)

Fair warning for a few things if you take my advice and just watch the show. 1) No Eddie in season 1. It is an important season for all the other characters including Buck though and trust me, you're gonna love all of them because it's impossible not to. 2) One of the main characters is a cop, so the copaganda exists and whenever they focus on that aspect of the show it is....not particularly handled well 😬 but all the other mains are firefighters so their rescues take more of the focus. 3) Buddie was shut down by FOX so be prepared to spend a lot of time watching them be forced into other relationships and looking at your screen like "why the fuck are we doing this?!" 4) Despite FOX shutting down Buddie, I walked into the show after s3 aired (because that's when s2 came back up on Hulu and I had to miss s3 until s2 was up) FULLY believing most of the Buddie edits were exaggerations, or incorrect quotes, but no actually they are just completely insane and in love with each other, FOX just wouldn't let the narrative go in the direction it was pulling. Which is DEEPLY frustrating to watch, but also a lot of wildly insane moments that are gonna pay off soooo well if (when???) ABC gives the story what it's been asking for. 5) I am fully a salt gremlin and hater so while I always welcome asks or messages to flail about this show, I'm not the person to be sympathetic about any of the past LIs though I absolutely use anti tags for any of my posts for easy filtering. I also unashamedly hate the showrunner shift in s5-6 so I'm a bench about those seasons and most of the choices made. Otherwise, I'm happy to chat, flail, and go back and forth like

(And if you wanna be a hater in my inbox or messages, I'm always down to talk shit 🤭)

Be prepared to get hit in the feels with moments of the good in humanity shining through, people pulling together to help while the music swells, found family, and ridiculous and impossible rescues because when this show is at its best, it's about hope, and healing, and the "good guys" saving the day and everyone going home. It's not perfect, but in the veritable SEA of procedural cop dramas about the constant brutalization and murder of women, and medical dramas that are more drama than rescue, this show (especially in the first 3 seasons) feels different in a way I have never quite been able to describe.

Good luck, please come join us, we're (currently) having a great time, AND, for all the shows faults and missed opportunities, the fic this fandom comes out with is *chef's kiss* SO good. (As long as you know how to filter in Ao3)

[sushisocks]

Do you have any Sean x Lenny headcanons? I’m so desperate for more of their content, lol.

DO I HAVE SEAN X LENNY HEADCANONS?!??! Dear anon I could talk about macsummers FOREVEEERRRR!!!! We are truly STARVED for content about them but yes yes let me share some THOUGHTS I have lolol (sorry for the late reply, this week has been kicking my ass aklsdjf)

Okay see I think MacSummers have such good potential to be real 'one fell first, the other fell harder', in that sense of the second person falling suddenly having to catch up on all the feelings, yknow? And it works EITHER way, which I LOVE abt them, so let's talk about what their crushes would look like njbhnjbhmk

Lenny's first to fall:

Lenny ABSOLUTELY has a crush foreveeerrr, pining HARD because he can't bring himself to make a move. Half of that is also reckoning with the fact that he HAS a crush, and on Sean of all people.

Sean is an oblivious idiot; a bi king so busy with the thrill of the chase he doesn't realize what's right in front of him at first, and also, in his mind the possibility of Lenny being interested in him is so small it barely connects.

It's a mess; people DEFINITELY start noticing - it's Lenny's first time having feelings as intense as these about someone and he is NOT as subtle as he'd like to believe he is.

Truly painful for anyone to witness; no, Lenny, that joke was not that funny, stop staring wistfully across the camp like that, everyone knows you're just sitting at the campfire because Sean is there, your book is upside down.

The girls swing back and forth between gently teasing him about it or trying to cheer him up after witnessing some horrendous attempt at flirting from Sean with one of them - they're all rolling their eyes at him for it.

Jenny is def the one who notices first, and the one Lenny goes to for advice. She does NOT give him good advice. Thankfully Lenny is smart enough to realize as much when she tells him to take Sean fishing during a moonlit night, like that's 1) romantic in any sense of the word or 2) something normal for them to do.

Hosea also catches on but it just makes him more grumpy when dealing with Sean, very fatherly 'youre not good enough for my child' vibes off him. Sean still has 0 clue, but now sometimes he catches Hosea giving him the deathstare, and there's a high chance that every time Hosea sees Sean even look in Lenny's direction, he's considering pulling his gun on him.

Tilly is the most sympathetic to Lenny out of the whole lot, when she's not laughing at him. Tbf they're all laughing at him.

The 'Let me teach you how to read!' thing is very much an excuse just to hang out with Sean more. Mind you Lenny is very serious in his effort to teach Sean, he definitely thinks Sean deserves someone making the effort for him, but he's very internally giddy about 'hihi spending time with crush!!' And he probably does have to go debrief with Jenny and Tilly about it.

He only FINALLY gets the nerve to make a move at the end of a long night of drinking. Liquid courage has Lenny grabbing a loud and laughing Sean by the wrist after he says or does something that makes Lenny want to vomit his heart out, dragging Sean out of camp past the treeline, and kissing him square on the mouth, if only for his sanity. Sean, once the shock passes, goes, verbatim "oh. OH! well, ya couldve told me earlier!" before proceeding to snog Lenny senseless <3

Sean's first to fall:

It takes a minute for Sean to actually realize he has a crush, but then Lenny looks at him in a certain way, smiling and gazing at him with those shrewd eyes of his, shining in the light of the campfire, and Sean feels like he's been struck by fucking lightning.

Who has eyes like that anyway?? Sean will not be able to stop thinking about them, ever, now.

He's upping the ante on silly goofy behavior by 11, just to make Lenny smile. Even better if he laughs!!

He agrees to be tutored in reading just to spend time with Lenny and promptly spends all that time vacillating between doing his utmost to distract Lenny away from the lesson with jokes or trying very hard to listen to him just to get lost in his eyes. Lenny doesn't really mind but they get nothing done.

Sean has a fucking army on his ass in seconds; Arthur, John, Tilly, Mary-Beth, and Karen all seem to know out of NOWHERE and Sean has to sit through a fucking impromptu roast while wondering if all his closest friends are fucking mind-readers.

It's funny to them all at first but there IS some sympathy for poor Sean. Doesn't stop them from teasing him mercilessly.

Those that know him, know he's fucked when he switches the 'I love ya!' to 'Ya love me!' with Lenny. It's harder to say to the people he has actual persistent non-platonic feelings for, and almost self-soothing to instead say the reverse as a substitute.

Thing is; if Lenny having a crush is unsubtle, Sean is a fucking bull in a china-shop by comparison. Lenny sure as hell has his suspicions from very early on.

IT DOESN'T HELP THAT WHEN SEAN GETS DRUNK HE'S FLIRTING WITH LENNY IN THE EXACT SAME WAY HE DOES WITH THE GIRLS.

Lenny is very good-humored about the whole thing but it comparatively to when Lenny's the one with the crush, it sure as hell doesn't take very long from Sean realizing his crush to Lenny also realizing Sean's crush.

It helps Lenny getting over his own nerves, if nothing else.

Everyone in camp knows by the time Lenny decides to end Sean's suffering. They walk down to the river near camp, find a spot which is a bit more secluded, and Lenny very gently cups Sean's face, tells him to stop him if he doesn't want this, and kisses him. Sean is grinning like the cat who got the cream afterwards, and Lenny v fondly calls him a fool.

There's like several relieved sighs when they return to camp holding hands. Like Sean isn't gonna be way more of a menace WITH a boyfriend than he is without.

Here's some general headcanons too, bcz I LOVE thinking and talking abt this ship lmfaoo

They're both very talkative - very much the types to stay up all night talking, discussing their thoughts and feelings, camp gossip, their childhoods, the most fucked up death they saw besides their dads', their favorite colors, etc etc. They've had SEVERAL items thrown at them for waking up their fellow gangmembers in the dead of night.

Lenny reads as very acts of service-y to me. Throwing a blanket over Sean when he's knocked out, bringing him food or snacks when he's on guard shift, teaching him how to read, etc etc.

Meanwhile Sean is very touchy; he likes the reassurance of Lenny's physical presence, and it can be as small as just feeling the press of their thighs while sitting next to each other, but they're not exactly strangers to other things like hugging or holding hands.

In that vein it's not uncommon to find Lenny like, doing his own thing, reading or writing, with Sean amusing himself by tracing the lines in Lenny's free hand, or dozing against his back or something.

They have that honeymoon period where you can't find one without the other and they're hard to separate for anything. Sean complains if they're set to different tasks during a job. They manage to be regular about it eventually, but there's an acclimation period for both them and everyone surrounding them -- baby's first proper relationship, y'know?

They're still prone to joining each other on their guard shifts though, even if just for a little while.

You know that comic that's like "I'm gonna kiss you stupid" "But I'm already so dumb!" "Youre gonna be such an idiot when I'm through with you" That Is Very Them imo lolol

Aaaannddd this is already so long I think I'll stop now before we're here all night kmjnhbjnbh

[galaxyzone]

Little Hope MBTI character analysis

A little while ago, I made this post where I typed all of the DPA characters as their possible MBTI types. I enjoyed thinking about it, so I thought I would go ahead and share my analysis for each of the characters!😊

Starting with the Little Hope characters because @delurkr expressed interest, so thank you!😊 Currently working on the MoM characters, so I will also post those as soon as I'm done❤

Here are my analysis posts for all the games!

All analysis under the cut bc it's kinda long lol

Andrew (INFJ): Andrew was one of the easiest DPA characters for me to type. INFJs are the "Advocate" or the "Counselor." Both INFJs and ENFJs typically fill the role of the group mediator, due to their combination of Introverted Intuition (Ni) and Extroverted Feeling (Fe). For INFJs, Ni is their primary cognitive function, which essentially relates to their desire to figure things out. They find themselves in their own head very often, trying to make sense of various concepts or ideas. We see this with Andrew, as he spends the majority of the game trying to figure out what's going on and how they're connected with their doubles from the past. Fe is INFJ's secondary cognitive function, which relates to the "mediator" or "counselor" aspect of their personality type. Andrew pleads for the other characters to stop their fighting when it's clear to him that the arguing is not helping them figure out what's going on. Finally, INFJs essentially have a "chameleon" personality, which enables them to get along with almost any type of personality. We also see this with Andrew, as he's the only character who gets along pretty well with every other character. At the same time, unfortunately, this can also make it hard for them to really know who they truly are, and it can also make it harder for other people to understand the INFJ as well as the INFJ understands others. I personally believe I am an INFJ myself and I related a lot to Andrew tbh, so I feel pretty good about this typing haha

Taylor (ENFP): ENFPs are the "Campaigner" or the "Champion." An ENFP's primary function is Extroverted Intuition, which Taylor certainly exhibits with her consistent desire to see if there's another path or another way to go about things, for example. Ne also has a tendency to want to focus on big picture stuff, rather than small details. Taylor recognizes that the town of Little Hope sucks and has some bad mojo going on, and she's more interested in simply getting out than she is in determining just why it sucks. I also believe her Ne is the reason she wanted to stay at the bus instead of going further into the town, because she had a feeling that the town was bad news. Speaking of feelings, an ENFP's secondary function is Introverted Feeling, which Taylor definitely exhibits when she opens up to Daniel about finally feeling like part of the group. She talks about what does and what doesn't feel right to her, which is a big indicator of Fi. Fi users have strong beliefs and base their morals off of what they feel is right or wrong, rather than basing them off of what other people feel is right or wrong. Taylor knows how she feels about the town and she is willing to fight on behalf of her feelings & beliefs, which we see her do when she argues with John about it. ENFPs are also very spirited, high-energy people, just like Taylor. They can be a little silly and they're not afraid to be themselves, as they often have their own ways of doing things. I feel pretty good about typing Taylor as a spirited ENFP!

Daniel (ESFP): I went back and forth on Daniel, but I feel good about typing him as ESFP. ESFPs are the "Entertainer" or the "Performer." An ESFP's primary function is Extroverted Sensing, which relates to seeking out experiences and simply wanting to do things, even if it's just for the sake of doing them. Upon Daniel & Taylor being returned to the group through the fog, Daniel immediately has to go back through the fog to see if it happens again. He doesn't stop to think about it, he just does it because he doesn't want to waste any time pondering what just happened. When you think about the scientific method, the step of hypothesizing comes before the actual experimentation; but not for Se users- they always skip right to the actual experiment so they can reach their conclusion faster. Daniel also doesn't hesitate to reach for the little girl hiding in the playground, and there are also a few other instances where he acts immediately. Similar to ENFPs, an ESFP's secondary function is also Introverted Feeling. When Taylor objects to Angela about the idea of Daniel being her boyfriend, Daniel immediately takes it personally, believing that Taylor doesn't want to think of him that way. He seeks reassurance from her, and it's interesting to see 2 secondary Fi users try to reassure each other throughout the game. Similar to Taylor, Daniel knows how he feels about the town and about what's happening to their doubles, and he is also willing to fight for his own beliefs.

Angela (ISTJ): ISTJs are the "Logistician" or the "Inspector." An ISTJ's primary function is Introverted Sensing, which relates to simply observing facts and taking things for what they are. Si is different from Se in that, while Se users just want to do things, Si users tend to watch things and make their judgments based off of what they observe. Angela acknowledging the fact that her demon only started pursuing her once her double was executed is an example of Si. She doesn't need to analyze why the demon chased her after her double was drowned, it's enough for her to understand that your double dies = a demon tries to kill you. ISTJs are very fact-oriented due to their Si. An ISTJ's secondary function is Extroverted Thinking, which typically lends itself well to administrative or leadership roles. This could be why Angela criticizes John's leadership and his inability to make decisions- because her Te would arguably make her a better leader, and it can sometimes frustrate Te users when they have to follow someone who doesn't lead with the same decisiveness. An ISTJ's primary Si mixed with their secondary Te can also cause them to make blunt observations about people, which is similar to how Angela outright refers to Daniel as Taylor's boyfriend upon observing that the 2 of them seem to like spending so much time together. All in all, Angela is a very practical ISTJ character who isn't afraid to say things like they are and she doesn't want to mess around.

John (ENTP): John was definitely one of the hardest DPA characters for me to type, as I'm still going back & forth on him tbh. He's definitely a T type, but I don't believe he's a J type, as xxTJs are typically more assertive & sure of their decisions, which we know is something John struggles with. I also believe he's an intuitive rather than a sensor, so that narrows it to xNTP. Here's where it gets tricky: choosing between INTP & ENTP isn't as simple as figuring out whether he's more introverted or extroverted. The question is whether his primary function is Extroverted Intuition or Introverted Thinking. I can definitely see him being an ENTP, as they are known for "playing Devil's Advocate," which John arguably does by accusing Mary of being the source of evil within Little Hope. ENTPs are the "Debater" or the "Visionary." ENTPs like to question almost anything and everything as a way to learn more about the world in which they live. They will never back down from an intellectual challenge, and they're also not afraid to question other people on their ideas or points of view. We can see John do this, as he's not afraid to disagree with the other characters when they give their opinion on what's going on. He challenges Taylor on her desire to wait at the bus, he challenges Andrew on his stance of trying to defend Mary, etc. His primary Ne mixes with his secondary Ti to think outside the box and work to discover other possibilities that make sense to him & what he believes to be true. He humors Taylor & Daniel about their claim that the fog led them back to the group, he proposes the idea to Andrew to burn the poppet they find in the museum in case it's the source of the evil, he tries to think of any possible ways that they can help their doubles from the past. I think I feel good saying he's an ENTP!

[samaraxmorgan]

Hello it is me, the Yap Anon but in my true form, before I yapped again I drew some eyes and i wanted to share them because I think the colors are cool.

NOW TIME TO YAP, OK SO I KNOW I KEEP GIVING YOU LIKE SUGGESTIVE-ISH IDEAS SO YOU GET AN ANGSTY ONE, SO WHAT IF HEAR ME OUT HERE, WE COME HOME FROM A LONG DAY AT WORK TO FIND SUKUNA OPENING THE DOOR AND WE LOOK AT EACH OTHER BEFORE SUKUNA SAYS 'Where the hell have you been?!' WHICH SHOCKS US BEFORE WE REPLY SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF 'Work' AND SUKUNA MUMBLES SOMETHING UNDER HIS BREATH ABOUT OUR JOB WORKING US TO DEATH AND HE TAKES OUR HAND (How scandalous) AND BRINGS US INSIDE SETTING US ON THE COUCH BEFORE SCOLDING US FOR NOT TEXTING HIM WHERE WE WERE AND WE RESPOND WITH SOMETHING LIKE 'Why would you care' OR 'it's not like you'd notice or care' WHICH MAKES SUKUNA MAD SO HE GRABS OUR FACE AND MAKES US LOOK INTO HIS EYES WHILE HE SAYS 'I do care, no matter how much it seems I don't I care, please, don't worry me like that again' AND WE'RE JUST SPEECHLESS BECAUSE WTF SUKUNA CARES ABOUT US AND WE GAWK AT HIM BEFORE COMPOSING OURSELVES AND HUG, PLUS SNUGGLING AS A TREAT BECAUSE :3

IM SORRY I KNOW THIS IS STRUNG TOGETHER HORRIBLLY BUT I THINK IT'S SUCH A FUN IDEA FOR SOME SILLY ANGST, I'M SORRY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

REMEMBER HAVE AN AMAZING DAY/NIGHT :DDDD

HELLO BABE GOOD TO SEE U AGAINNNNN!!! True form I LOVE THAT FOR YOUUUU <3 and I loveeeee the drawings they look SO COOL!! The colors are so nice I love it!!

AAAAAA HIM BEING SO LOWKEY POSSESSIVEEEEE!!!!! SOOOO I have a very similar thing coming in a part soon!!!! We’re out in the city with him and we lose our phone and he spends HOURS trying to find us hehehehe :) he’s so MAD when he finally tracks us down but it’s just because he was worried fucking sickkkkkk

Ugh the idea of him shit talking our job I love it askalakk <3 I used to work at a place that treated me like SHIT and I knowwww he would fucking storm in there and curse my old boss out!!! King!!! And also I bet he HATES us having to stay late and work overtime because he’s always secretly staying up waiting for us to get home, both bc he wants to spend more time with us but also because he wants to make sure we’re safe!! I bet after something like this he would ~casually~ suggest downloading Life 360 ASKAKKAKS

God I know he was pacing around the apartment constantly checking the time watching as we were supposed to be home at one time but then an hour goes by, and another, and ANOTHER and he’s losing his MIND thinking something happened to us. I’m not gonna get too into it bc I don’t wanna spoil BUT I have his backstory planned out and let’s just say… he’s not exactly accustomed to regular every day jobs and he’s also VERY afraid of losing the people he cares about. So the first time we stay late at work he’s in a full PANIC

He doesn’t mean to lash out, but he tends to show fear through anger. We think he’s being over dramatic, unreasonable, but he’s got past trauma that we’re not aware of; and believe me he IS relieved that we’re okay, but his emotions are running HIGH and he’s having a hard time keeping them contained.

And when we ask him why he would care he’s stunned into silence. His mind is running, because how could we POSSIBLY think he doesn’t care? How bad has he been with showing us how important we are to him? Do we really think he doesn’t value us? He’s always been a firm believer that actions speak louder than words, but for once he realizes that he’s gonna need to communicate verbally, as much as it kills him to do so.

He’s not exactly graceful with his words, but we can tell that he’s TRYING. His hands cupping our cheeks to keep our gaze locked on his and the look in his eyes is so serious, so genuine. He DOES worry about us, he DOES care for us, and he tries so hard to hide it because he hates being vulnerable, but for us it’s worth it <3 We give him a hug and he squeezes us a little too tight that it hurts, he waits a little too long to let go, his fingers linger a little too much on our skin, and the look he gives us is a little too close to lovestruck, but how could we be sure?

And I got a LITTLE TOO carried away ASSKAKAK ANYWAYYYY!!!! If u couldn’t tell I LOVED this idea hehe

I hope you have a wonderful day :) !!!!

[marshmallowprotection]

Hi Kait! Admittedly, I'm a little embarrassed to ask this, since I'm fairly certain you'll recognize me, but I was looking around your page and I saw that match-ups were open, and... given my intense conflict regarding who the literal fuck I'd actually work well within MysMe, I thought I'd give it a shot. It's a lot easier to talk about myself under the guise of anonymity, so I suppose I'll start there. I'm a college freshman diagnosed with anxiety and depression hoping to get my double major in Psychology and Philosophy, and an eventual PHD in Psych. I am prone to overworking myself and tend to use escapism as an outlet for the fact that I'm never particularly satisfied with my own effort. I spend most of my free time outside of class sitting in my room working on art, writing, or trying to socialize with people (be it online or offline). I play a fair amount of games, but barely have the time to do so because of my tendency to overwork myself. I did a lot of theater and performance throughout my life, so I have a passion for watching musicals and assisting in performances backstage. I like being onstage as well, but previously it's proved more trouble than it's worth, especially since I'm always the 'reliable' cast, not the 'talented' cast. I also have an interest in flower language and plants, despite the fact that I kill most every plant I touch. As for my personality... that one is a little complicated. Offline I perceive myself to be an absolute anxious wreck. I'm always tired and always running around in an attempt to keep up with my responsibilities. However, outwardly people tend to perceive me as confident and knowledgable. I do wonderful in my academics and have a love for debate and asking hard questions, even if internally I am screaming at myself for stuttering or seeming silly. Online I tend to be a lot more open about myself and my emotions, but still fairly guarded as I try my best to maintain my privacy. I try to make people happy and build connections online since I feel more 'myself' there. Once I get close to someone I tend to enjoy peaceful silence with them. I'm a very physically affectionate person as words fail me so often, and I like listening to people just not too much. Chatterboxes get on my nerves, especially when someone repeats the same phrase over and over again. I have noise sensitivity issues as well, which doesn't help things. I'm also terrified of water - specifically the ocean. Any mention of swimming and I panic. I also have slight jealousy issues due to past relationship trauma. I'm 5'7 with a brown pixie cut that's admittedly a little overgrown right now, rose gold rounded square glasses with a slight cat eye, and blue-green eyes that tend to shift colors depending on what I'm wearing. I have quite a few birthmarks littered on my skin - most importantly one above my lip and another under my right eye. My ears are pierced, and I tend to wear black hoops unless I'm dressing up. Day to day I tend to look like your typical tired college student, but if I'm going somewhere I try to dress in cottagecore style attire with lots of sparkly makeup. I'm pan, and my love languages are physical touch and quality time. Something as simple as a hug or a hand to hold can turn me from stressed and panicked to melty and calm in minutes. I value intelligence a lot in a person, which is why I tend to like the nerdy types of characters in media. I also need someone who isn't shy about reminding me to not beat myself up. I tend to spiral anxiety wise a lot, especially if I believe that I've hurt my partner. I want someone who'll be there for me despite the mistakes that we might make. Someone long term. I have two partners currently, but I don't think that I'd end up polyamorous in any other circumstance than those two. Thank you for taking the time to read this, Kait. I apologize for how lengthy it ended up being haha. Please remember that you're greatly appreciated! Have a wonderful day. — 🌸

I match you with...

Jumin!

You value quiet intimacy.

You're not looking for a relationship where you feel as though you have to fill in the silence every waking moment. You want somebody that you can be comfortable with and being comfortable means the world to you. That's what you value at the end of the day. You're not looking for something that has way more energy than you can even remotely handle, you're looking for something that is peaceful and brings you a sense of contentment with your life.

You don't want something that's overwhelmingly fraught with energy. You want to be with somebody after a long day, not saying anything, and just sharing a look that says all that needs to be said. That's your ideal relationship. Mutual understanding. No pressure. Just a silence that says, "I'm here, I'm listening, and you're safe" both ways.

Which is why I was torn between Jaehee and Jumin when I looked at your submission without bias. Ultimately, I came to this conclusion as soon as I noted how you felt as though you needed a partner who had the ability to say something when you need a reminder to be nicer to yourself. and Jumin isn't one to mince words. He'll say what needs to be said and he won't hold back.

That is because he understands that if you are close to him, you'll understand where he's coming from when he says things to you in a very matter-of-fact way. He's not the kind of person who will hold back when you need to hear something.

He understands that you're going to know what he means when he says something bluntly. That's the important thing about being in a relationship with him. He said something from the heart, and he won't hold back if you have communicated to him that you need him to be honest. He will expect the same from you because that is what a great relationship is founded on. Communication. You don't have to be afraid of holding back when you’re with him. 

[tuiyla]

I'm a men hating lesbian lol but even I feel a twinge of sadness when I think of bram and what great friends they could've been. I hadn't paid any attention to sam until s4 started and I was glad to see a friend for brittany since she was so sad without santana. They have somewhat similar personalities and I thought seeing them get into all kinds of funny shenanigans would have been a lot of fun but I guess we can't have platonic friendships on glee and no one can ever stay single. Imo sam isn't a bad friend but he's a terrible boyfriend. He would've been a better character if he were never made to date anyone lmao btw how funny or ludicrous is it that bram never talked after they broke up, although now that I'm thinking about that's the case with most relationships on glee, they end and then the people in question never exchange two words again

Oh absolutely agree, I've long maintained that Bram could have been great if only they didn't feel the need to make it another pointless romantic ship. Like you say, most of them never even talk after a breakup. My forever sadness about Glee is that they wasted so much time on these midgame ships instead of developing friendships and real bonds between the characters. You expect me to believe Bram was real while it lasted when they literally never ever talk again? Okay.

I was glad to see the two bond in Britney 2.0 though I was already dreading the inevitable. Idk man it just takes away from Sam's character to have him go after Brittany a) so soon after her breakup when she's clearly vulnerable, makes him look like an asshole really and b) ignore his past relationships and have him claim he's "always had a thing for her." Literally What. Ridiculous. Everything about Bram could be fixed if it was kept platonic. Imagine a version where he's there for Brittany as a friend, not as someone who wants to get into her pants. It turns something sweet into something gross. Obviously their sexual attraction is not inherently gross, obviously for all the bad faith peeps out there; it's that the story they present makes it feel like that's all that mattered.

But had Bram stayed platonic, we could have them bond over feeling left behind by graduate exes. Bond over insecurities and even body image, bond over the silliness that they get dismissed for otherwise. Except, Brittany genuinely thought Sam was funny and unique and smart and he automatically assumed the lowest SAT score was hers. Funny that. But hey isn't a version where someone other than Santana appreciated Britt's intelligence and is there as a friend great. But you know the season already had the Blam friendship to hype up and the writers didn't give two fucks about developing Bram's dynamic beyond using it to stomp on Brittana/occasionally Samcedes. Sam spends so much more time with Blaine that season and honestly I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Britt spends more time with the newbies than her boyfriend. The newbies! Famously a different species altogether.

That's my main problem with Bram and all lazy Glee midgame ships. They get together and the writers call it a day because obviously people who are dating don't also need to be friends and, idk, talk. Well that's far from my only problem with Bram lol, in fact what we had of them was more than enough thank you very much. But I would have welcomed more of them had it been a friendship not a lame attempt at a midgame ship.

Side note but my pet peeve is when people "blame" Sam's decline in intelligence and common sense compared to season 2 on Brittany. Common argument is, they dumbed him down for her. To that I say, Sam wishes he was on Brittany's level.

[golden-booti]

he keeps asking me why I didn't do these things beforehand and I never reply. maybe it's because idk how to say "I thought I had the rest of our lives."

I want to do any & every little thing with you while I still sort of have you by my side. any and every little thing I thought we had forever to do.. I've never had heartache like this. you tell me it's bc of the past and I hate when you say that because (as much as I hate this is my reality when it comes to memories like that) I don't remember the time you're talking about.... how can I be afraid of you for something that, in my head, never occurred. and I know that's such a shit reason but I'm sorry I took such baby steps toward trying to fix it until now. I just hope you know I only ever felt pure love from you, even when we were arguing. some sadness. some anger. some confusion. but never fear of you.

sorry I want to make love as many times as possible lately, even though I'm sure it's just fucking to you now. sorry I want to listen to you sing and rap about silly shit, unsure which one will be the last time. sorry I seem so 'energetic' lately, but it's just a mood swing. sorry I want to kiss & touch you after we say bye, not just because of habit. sorry I seem to want to follow you like a lost puppy at work still, I'm trying my best to leave you alone and give you the distance you asked for.

but who else is going to think I'm perfect even when I'm pouting and at my lowest. who am I gonna secretly gawk over even when he's upset w me and the world. all I dreamt of & tried working towards was being in a home w you & the kids. that's why I got so stressed about spending money, but now know I shouldn't have. I let the stress of waiting get so bad to the point it caused me to push you away & made you give up.... the last thing in the world I ever dreamed of.

you say we need to stop doing what we doing. that I need to tell you 'no'....... but god I truly hope you know in your heart that I don't want to say that. that I am still in love with you, every little thing about you, including the you that broke my heart. you always gave me butterflies but now instead of happiness, it brings me to tears. I feel so empty it feels like people are staring right through me... and looking into your eyes fills me back up for the moment. until I have to remind myself you're not in love & the hollowness comes back. you are my perfect puzzle piece, my soulmate. I'll never be whole again. I don't want to lose you and I just want to scream it i don't care who hears me. but I'm so scared of being rejected over and over by you because i felt my heart cracking apart each time.

I don't want you to think this is going to hurt me any more than I already am. I want it, I absolutely still want you. our energy when we touch is like no other in the world, I would never hesitate. it was never about the dick or thinking that'll make my problems go away, it's just you. you ask how it could feel so amazing every single time.... and I'll just say it's bc of you. although I know the real answer is so simple; because of love. it would never feel like this w someone else. like I said, you're my other half. my perfect fit. if these are truly the final moments of being able to call myself yours, all I want to do is take in every single millisecond of it. try to absorb & hold on to this very distinct feeling you give me, because I know if I've never felt this way before you, I will never feel it again after.

I'm sorry you couldn't forgive me and stopped believing that everything was able to change, that yeah things got hard but we would come out stronger than any of it. I'm sorry I took too long. I'm sorry for any time I ever hurt you in the past. I'm sorry I could never blame you even though you're trying so hard to get me to. I'm sorry you thought you couldn't be yourself. I'm sorry this is because of me. I'm sorry I was so hard to love.I'm sorry that I'm so...... sorry.

besides, I firmly believe that I can't possibly hurt any more than I do now. well, that is until the moment you meet someone new.

all I wanted was to make you happy, the way you do to me, and I failed miserably. like I do with everything in my life. it just hurts more that I thought this time things were finally slowly but surely visibly showing signs they'd come together soon, but that you were feeling the opposite.

we were supposed to end w/ gray hairs & rocking chairs 💔

now I feel like we're burying alive something that never even died.

and I'll forever suffocate because of it.

[lunaprincipessa]

ENTRY 161

I know this is just a silly meme, but for me, it was actually true... and I screwed it up.

We met through a mutual friend. This friend was gay and was in love with my ex at the time, even though my ex was straight. He needed an excuse to hang out with my ex, so he needed a female to get him to come out and I happened to be the one he called.

We partied pretty hard that first night and I ended up throwing up in a random person's front lawn (no time to look around - I just told him to pull over immediately). My ex was very tentative. Held my hair up, rubbed my back, and actually told me I looked sexy when I was throwing up, which made us both crack up.

After that first night, we were pretty much inseparable. We would stay up all night chatting with each other on AOL when everyone else in our homes were sleeping. Once the morning hit, we'd go out for breakfast and spend the rest of the day together. We never got tired of each other and we never ran out of things to talk about.

As time progressed, we were really strengthened as a couple because of how well we worked together and how similar we both were. He was seriously the male version of me, most definitely my other half. He saw me in the same light and to this day, I believe we had what it took to make it last.

Long story short, I was offered a chance to leave the south and move to the east coast to be with family and get back in touch with my roots. I don't even remember having a discussion with him about anything. All I remember is telling my ex I was leaving and that was that. I just didn't realize what I had.

Over the years, we both moved on with life. My ventures on the east coast would eventually take me to the west coast, and he would eventually enlist in the Air Force, traveling all over the world. We never forgot about each other and stayed in contact off and on.

We eventually ended up reconnecting, having a one-nighter when we both returned to the south. I returned in a desperate attempt to escape a physically abusive relationship, and he returned after his wife cheated on him. I suppose we just needed comfort and affection that night.

Later on, we had a long talk and I ended up finding out that over the years, he actually blamed himself for me leaving. That broke my heart. It really did. The guilt was eating me alive and I welcomed it to consume me. I screwed up. I was damaged, inconsiderate, and selfish. How could he blame himself for that??? That hit me hard and still hits every now and then to this day. It probably will until the day I die. I was 19, now 41, and the decision I made that day still stings.

We were still friends afterward. Hell, we spent the whole night together getting drunk, blasting Type O Negative on April 14th, 2010 when it was announced that Peter Steele had died.

Life would take us in different directions once again after that. He ended up falling in love with someone else and I had a baby with my ex who was the first guy I ever fell in love with back in the day. Now those relationships are lost to us too.

We did speak again eventually but it was different and a bit difficult. I felt like the person he used to be was gone. I didn't wanna say anything. The past still tears me up sometimes; I felt I had no right to.

We've spoken fairly recently and I did get to hear some of the old ***** that I once knew. I just wish things were different. Even if we were just not meant to be, I would still time travel if it were possible to tell my younger self not to leave, not to walk away. But I did. I walked away and it can't be undone.

Other people have noticed how protective we are over each other and how we cheer for one another when good things happen to us. People notice, but they don't know the history behind it.

Nowadays, he spends most of his days alone, as do I. He assumed I was being judgmental when I tried to encourage him to get out more. I wasn't trying to be. I just hate the thought of a good person being on their own.

There's a lot more detail to our history and sort-of recent events. There's definitely a better way to word this blog but I'm exhausted and getting it out the best I can. I still care for him but the past is gone. I still wish him well but we hardly talk. I just hope one day he feels better and is surrounded by people who lift him up in every way.

I'm grateful for his service to our country as the veteran he is and I'm grateful for all the times he was there for me. Our fates apart was all my fault and although I can't change the past or present, I can make sure my apology to him was genuine by being a better person every day whether we talk or not. I never meant harm. Never intended it.

I was raised in a household of verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse that I couldn't escape as a little girl. I was never taught how to love and respect myself or anyone else for that matter. All that chaos was my normal. People who grew up fighting for survival are just different from people who grew up in healthy and safe environments. I truly cared for him. I did. I was just fucked up and dying to get away from where I was. I didn't consider anything else but that and it was a mistake.

I had a lot to heal, and even more to learn. After getting help and coming to the place where I am now, he was one of the first people I thought of. Yes, we get hurt in life but sometimes, we hurt others and need to be accountable.

I was thankful for the opportunity to apologize to him, and I swear to every God and Goddess that I meant it. The process almost reminded me of NA when you eventually consider all the people you hurt when you were active in your addiction.

Well, I am the one that hurt their soulmate when I was active in my damage and I welcome every bit of guilt and karma. May it forever remind me of what I threw away while simultaneously teaching me a valuable lesson that will assure I never make a mistake like that again. More thoughts later.

[quarantinehomies]

John: Patient Zero

     September 30th, 2022. I’ve been feeling sick for a little while, so I decided to take a COVID test outside. I’m chatting with a friend at a table while I take my COVID test since I don’t really believe I have it. As soon as I deposited a drop into the antibody test, the two lines instantly appeared. Panic. I call everyone that I’ve been in contact with for the past couple of days, I contact my teachers telling them about my situation, and I contact the school to get instructions on what to do next. Zeltzin comes out and tests with me and she tests positive while I test a second time, still positive. Valerie, Richard, and Lily test next, however only Richard tests positive. So, Richard, Zeltzin, and I quarantine in Richard's room while Valerie and Lily play it safe and quarantine in Zeltzin/Valerie’s room. Though soon Valerie was in Richard's room too. 

     I had never gotten COVID before, so all of the symptoms were new to me and also I had never had to quarantine in place. I felt really guilty for getting all of my friends sick, and making them have to quarantine with me. I felt even worse after I realized that we could no longer go to the Kid Bloom concert that we had all bought tickets for a couple days before. 

     The only things I really remember from being in Richard's room were watching insane amounts of serial killer documentaries on Richards TV, taking care of a friend's dog for a day, and Zeltzin dying in the corner of the room. Everything else during that time was a complete blur. Zeltzin, Richard, Valerie, and I spent most of the many hours in the room watching the Dahmer documentary series and other various serial killers. I made many jokes about the serial killers, many of which did not land so well. I was very silly over the entire course of the quarantine experience. One of the days we were quarantining, a friend (not infected) wanted us to watch over her dog while she went to a theme park. This was a very interesting and fun experience because it taught me how much I would not want a dog. Coco, a white mixed breed dog, was fine to spend time with all morning, but once we wanted to eat some lunch, he would not stop barking. It was incessant and the only way I could get him to stop was supplexing him. 

     I only brought a few worldly possessions to the room: my camping mat, a blanket, a pillow, and a camping chair. I used these items to their absolute limits during the few days that I stayed in Richard's room. There was nothing more rewarding in the mornings when I would pack up my sleeping stuffs, throw them on the dresser, set up the camping chair, and then sit there for the rest of the day. I would sit there. Just sit there. All day long. In my chair I would sit. My throne. My safe space. Mon amour.

     When Lily finally also tested positive, we all moved over to Zeltzin and Valerie’s room. Richard, Lily, and I slept on the floor while Zeltzin and Valerie slept on their beds. We never really moved around a lot from each of our positions, so time was also a blur in this room too. This time, I had brought my bass with me to the room to play and keep myself busy and Richard used my acoustic guitar. The time we spent together in this room wasn’t boring since we could all keep each other company. Richard and Lily spent almost a little too much time together… couldn’t tell you why.

     The time I spent in Zeltzin’s room was actually quite fun. We would play games, like scribbl.io, and talk with each other almost all day. The one caveat to this time, however, was that I was the designated food orderer. Any time that we wanted lunch or dinner, I was the person that had to ask someone who was not sick to get us food. This was a bit of a pain when people were busy when we were hungry. The main people I want to shout out is Cynthia, who got our food for us 

     During the last 3 or 4 days of being in quarantine, I felt completely fine and not sick, however, 2 faint lines persisted each day and I had to keep telling myself that tomorrow would be the day I could finally leave. It was when Zeltzin and Valerie tested negative first that started my biggest descent into madness. This proceeded all the way until October 8th, when I finally tested negative for COVID. I was ecstatic. The day after I tested negative, I went to a quinceanera to celebrate.

[imitationcrabmeat]

Oh shit! Well it's better not to dwell on things you can't change. I'd say focus on yourself, get help, work on a new project, take yourself out of your comfort zone, goals etc.

Focus on things that matter. Don't victimize yourself, just accept the feelings and change yourself.

Sounds like you miss the idea of this person and how they made you feel about yourself. But how do you feel about yourself?

Don't mean to be preachy. I saw your page and noticed the sad posts and just wanted to ask. Take care dude.

I agree! And believe me, I’ve been trying. I’ve made changes to my routine, focusing on work and rock climbing mostly, and spending a lot more time sober. I stepped away from social media (tumblr notwithstanding, but I don’t really know anyone on here anymore so it’s different?). I try to see my friends when I have the energy. I still have to find someone to talk to but in the meantime I’ve been writing, and also, for better or worse, using this blog as an echo chamber for stray emotions that I didn’t expect anyone to actually read.

At best, I still enjoy myself when I’m occupied or with friends. At worst, I can distract myself or put on a face for people, but I start to cry when they aren’t looking. But any moment I have to myself I have these intrusive thoughts. And this was never much of an issue for me before, but I have a very hard time sleeping now and that just exacerbates everything.

I don’t want to victimize myself, but I've done things that I find hard to forgive myself for. I thought I was a better person than that. My behavior has left me with devastating consequences and realizations, and it’s hard to not be disgusted with myself. I’ve been selfishly living in my own pain, which I fucking hate and wish I could break free from. That said, I’m using my experience as a guide for how to improve, though the problem is that it comes at the cost of having caused pain to someone I deeply care for. I’m never gonna stop working on myself and I’ll get better over time, but it doesn’t erase things that have happened. But I suppose worrying about the past is neither here nor there, and I just have to accept that too and look forward, and hope the future is better for us both.

I do miss her. To my core. I really thought that no matter what happened, we would be friends for a long, long time. She felt like she could’ve been a best friend that I somehow never met for most of my life, someone that if we had met much earlier, we’d still be tight by now, and always would be. 

The last time she and I talked was awful and I was too overwhelmed and chicken shit to find words and express myself, that I basically turned off and ‘ran away’ like a coward. The culmination of me handling everything so poorly.

but I don’t just miss her only because of how she made me feel about myself. sure, the time we spent together filled me to the brim with happiness, and I’d like to think that went both ways for a while. But I didn’t rely on her to be my source of happiness. Although, us meeting, and getting to know each other in the way we did. it was something very special to me that I find hard to describe, or shake. It was mutual.. It was lightning in a bottle and now it’s gone. 

She’s an inspiring human being, not just to me, but to everyone around her, which I could see in the way she treated others and how it reflected back on her. She’s probably the strongest person I’ve ever known, intellectually and emotionally intelligent, into cool shit that I don’t even get, fucking hilarious, uniquely gorgeous with eyes you’d get lost in and a smile that could melt an icecap. Her contagious laugh and silly noises. Her sappy, sweet heart. All while exuding a decidedly mature, yet enchantingly childlike [in the best way] aura. The kind of person that you’d want.. everyone to be. The kind of people that she should surround herself with.

I still have a lot of things that I like about myself, and now I have a few more things that I don’t like about myself. but other than that I’m just surprised I still feel the way I do after all this time. And maybe it hasn’t really been that long in the grand scheme, but it sure feels like it.

I’m going to struggle with this for.. maybe a long time. it’s hard to love myself at the moment, but I will, and I’ll be fine. These feelings are temporary and things will work out one way or another. And while I am upset with myself right now, I find solace in the dream that she’s in a better place. I pray she’s happy, whatever she’s doing, and wherever life takes her, and that the weight she’s carried gets easier to shoulder. I’d love to ask her how she is, but for her sake I imagine it’s best that I don’t.

And it’s okay, I didn’t take it as preachy. Sorry for unloading, this response is probably far longer than you [and I] thought it would be. But thank you, really. It means a lot that you cared when you didn’t have to. I appreciate your words and concern, and I’ll take your advice to heart. Maybe in another time and place we’d be friends.. But you take care, too. Happy Thanksgiving, stranger. And goodnight.  🌛 🌛 🌛