#we see the war through their eyes
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Thinking about Anakin's characterisation in the clone wars show again and while I very much agree it's badly off from the movies, I think there is actually a way I can make it make sense to me!
Clone Wars Anakin is Anakin as seen from the outside: Clone Wars Anakin is Ahsoka's POV on Anakin.
Ahsoka sees Anakin as the heroic big brother she loves, who always comes through and saves her. He does good - saves people, wins battles, gives her loving and helpful advice - and she focuses on the parts of him that fit with that image, and with her preconceived ideas of what a 'hero' should be.
Conversely the movies are Anakin from the inside of Anakin's own head - tortured, consumed by his own anxiety, feeling every emotion with an intensity dialed up to eleven. And maybe everything he says and does appears cringingly awkward not because it actually is, but because that is just how it feels to be Anakin. He's teetering on the brink of a catastrophic breakdown at all times!
But I think the gap between the Clone Wars and movie Anakin characterisation makes this really interesting, because maybe to the casual outside observer it isn't always obvious that Anakin is teetering on the brink of a catastrophic breakdown.
Obi-wan and Padme's experience of Anakin is closer to movie Anakin, I think, because he is willing to reveal more of himself to them; conversely I actually think it's admirable that Anakin manages (more or less successfully) to hide how intensely fucked up he is from Ahsoka, because a) she's a literal child, she is not equipped to deal with his trauma b) he's in a position of more-or-less parental authority over her, c) they're in an active warzone most of the time and he doesn't want to get her killed because she's distracted by worrying about him, and d) she's a literal child.
The Clone Wars is such a weird mixed bag already, tonally - like it's a silly kid's show with bleak horrific violence, it's riffing off classic wartime propaganda, the morality is apparently very simplistic good vs evil (except we know it isn't), there's those jaunty little morals at the opening of every episode but half the time they're undercut by what actually happens -
But it does kind of make sense if this is all Ahsoka's POV, a child and teenager trying to make sense of unimaginable trauma and responsibility. She can't stop to process what's happening because she doesn't have the tools or experience to do that yet; things just kind of happen to her and around her, but she keeps pushing on through. She believes the Republic is good and war is just and everything is going to be fine because that's what she's been taught (even though the evidence all around her is that things are very much not fine). She believes that because Anakin is loving and protective, because he does good, he must be good. He must be a straightforward uncomplicated hero who's always confident and has nothing to hide, because isn't that what a hero is?
His confidence is a mask - but she can't see that; and if the audience is seeing him through her eyes, then we can't see it either.
#star wars#anakin skywalker#ahsoka tano#pretty sure everything i've said about ahsoka goes for rex and the other clones too actually#i will die on the hill that rex and ahsoka aren't necessarily the MAIN characters of the clone wars but they are the POV characters#we see the war through their eyes#even when they're not literally part of the scene it's still like... the show is framed by how they would react to and feel about things#to be clear i'm not saying whether i think this is deliberate#or not deliberate#i don't care#i don't care!!!#author is dead baby#this is just what i see#my meta
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@fushiglow hmm….wonder who i’d draw this for all of a sudden and why… 🤔🤔
#your reblog surprised me#THREE BUNS SUGURU (STAR WARS ER JUST FOR YOU!)#theyre covering riko or smt and smuggling her places (??)#drawing this i was like ‘oh suguru’s curses in a star wars environment should be robots and stuff#so this suguru is a mecanic (he makes them from scrappy parts people have thrown out#and trash materials (and hard work 😎)#diy pokemon#because what is the cursed energy people are letting out if not junk theyre letting go of#so yeah ; basic geto takes shit and turns it useful#i do realise thats already very generic for star wars (junk robots junk robots!) but like. yknow. this guy takes shit people wouldnt bother#trying to sell. miam. junk of the junk. geto my favourite recycling bin you were designed for a luxurious lifestyle clearly (gege not me!)#(and stuff…………. but im lazy to put my vision in words rn hah..)#gojo’s probably a princess#(let’s not lie. hes basically a prince already (clan heir is a different look on him))#this made me want to write ?.??#problem is i dont remember much about star wars (watched it as a kid (we have the cds) appart from the very basic storyline… i forgot 😔#then theres the jawa’s first appearance cuz for some reason they scared me and i am marked for life (THEYRE JUST SILLY LITTLE GUYS 😭😭))#thankfully i lowkey want to rewatch everything so these issues can be fixed#(unthankfully either way the chance of me writing anything is very slim BUT WE NEVER KNOW RIGHT)#(hashtag diverging your attention from that other older post is it working /j/j)#omg glo i still didnt read balance (i think of it from time to time but im intimidated to read it because i know its right up my alley and#that i will love it and lately idk why but i need to ready myself emotionally to read peak fiction (this is so dumb but its true 😭😭))#my bad im rambling lol#WAIT FUCK SAME THING FOR BUNNY’S RECENT THINGY THAT GOT IN MY AO3 UPDATE MAIL#A LOVE STORY TOLD THROUGH THE LENS OF A THIRD PARTY MY BELOVED#(itsg ive searchef for these types of stories in advanced search before#AND NOW THAT I HAVE SOME BY AUTHORS I ALREADY ADORE .. IM- I SEE THEM BUT. THEIR CONTENTS STAY A MYSTERY. IS THIS MY BODY SUBCONSCIOUSLY FI#FIGHTING THE TEAR LOSS I WOULD GET??? IS THIS MFING [BALLING-MY-EYES-OUT] PREVENTION !? WITHOUT MY PERMISSION..!? TCH!)#my bad. ramble again o7 — see ya glo !#wip
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in this house we love a matching mother and son moment!
i'm pretty sure these are the only two characters we ever see in this cut too so that begs the question: which one do you think came first? was alicent inspired by aemond, or the other way around?
since the cut seems particularly masculine it would make a lot of sense to me if alicent deliberately borrowed inspo from aemond's fashion, given that in this scene she's the only woman in a room full of men who all think they know better than her. i'm sure i'm not the only woman who can relate to deliberately trying to appear more masculine in an effort to be taken more seriously by men.
#i knew they were similar i didn't realize how rarely we see this style aside from these two outfits#i checked through most of the major appearances of the diff men and i never saw it with otto viserys aegon corlys etc#interstinggg#aemond targaryen#alicent hightower#aemond#aemond one eye#alicent#hotd#house of the dragon#mommy's little war criminal#hotd fashion
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Some Tolkien affirmations to help you along when the darkness seems too much and everything seems lost
"The world may be grim, but there's always hope. Even in the darkest of days, there may be one bright star to guide you."
—Elrond
"It is not despair, but only the handing on of a torch."
—Aragorn
"The greatest good returns at last to those who share it freely."
—Gandalf
"It is not by sorrow and by suffering that we grow. It is by the choice we make when faced with sorrow and suffering."
—Fëanor
"The world is changed because I am in it."
—Bilbo Baggins
bonus round (Tolkien never actually wrote this — Peter Jackson did — but it's a good fucking line and Tolkien would have 100% agreed with it):
“Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love."
— Gandalf
#You have to realize how much Tolkien had refused to break or lose his faith in people despite being in the Trenches of World War 1#Specifically: he was there for the Battle of the Somme — the war at its absolute worst#He arrived two weeks after it started + lost two best friends + was medivac'd out only a month before the battle ended#Hell was his everyday experience for four months#until he was injured badly enough to merit (even in the eyes of the horrifically cruel military standards of the age) sending him home#He saw mankind at its darkest and worst ever#he lost things and people who were precious to him — and in horrific ways we will hopefully never have to know firsthand#and yet through it all and after he refused to lose his hope and faith even though nobody would have blamed him if he had#in fact he came to believe that seeing mankind at its worst made hope and optimism and faith more important than ever before#AND IT MOVED HIM TO WRITE THIS#And then World War II happened (AND THE HOLOCAUST)#and far from convincing him that he was wrong#it just made him more certain that he was right#what a goddamn Chad#that John Ronald Reuel Tolkien#quotes#the hobbit#gandalf#jrr tolkien#j.r.r. tolkien#optimism#inspiration
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#look at what's happening in Amsterdam#this is what globalizing the intifada looks like#those footages straight out of 1930's#i know none of you cares for Jewish life since its not trendy rn#but this is my life#this is what antisemitism looks like#and you can hide it behind hate for Israel all you want but the truth is this:#no other civilians of no other country are treated like this for the actions of their government#only Jews#and all these pogroms (because thats what they are) only prove to me more and more that Israel has to exist#and this is not about the war which of course has to end already#and not about the awful government that NEEDS to be taken down#but the existence of Israel is the only thing that assures some kind of safety for Jews#i wish it wasn't the case and for many years i rolled my eyes at this statement#but i see now that nowhere is safe for me as a Jewish person#and no one cares#so we have to stick together and weather this storm#I'm so sick of this#and yet i see no one of my leftist friends even mention this antisemitic pogrom#or any other that was happening#i need to wake up and realize no one cares what we go through#personal#Jewish things#Israel things
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Saw a post a while ago that mentioned a debate among Star Wars fans and Star Trek fans about the typical who-would-win between a Borg Cube and the Death Star.
I'll leave them to that debate because who-would-win is highly dependent on the plot anyway and that kind of debate only leads to arguments (plus I find it incredibly boring, I'd much rather debate things like the similarities and disparities between human cultures in the two universes, one with and one without Earth, that would be interesting). But what did catch my eye was a mini-debate later on with people discussing whether or not said Cube would detect the Death Star approaching, the argument being that the modes of travel in the two different universes (namely warp and hyperspace) are so different that the Cube wouldn't be able to detect the Death Star until it reverted to real space.
Which reminded me how much I love that the two travel systems are so similar and yet so different.
I won't be able to get too technical, I'm sure some fans know the exact ins and outs of both kinds of space traversal, but the fundamental difference is how the ships attain FTL, or Faster Than Light. Because otherwise space travel takes FOREVER.
In Star Trek they use impulse engines to putter about for more precision maneuvering but use warp engines to achieve FTL, the warp engines 'warping' space by making a subspace bubble around the ship and therefore insulating it from the extreme pressures of breaking normal physics. As you do.
In Star Wars they use sublight engines for the usual puttering and maneuvering but instead they rely on the hyperdrive to achieve FTL which punts the ship into hyperspace, basically a parallel dimension where ships can achieve FTL without undue stress to the ship itself.
In both cases ships can be pulled out of their warp bubbles or their hyperspace streams due to factors in normal space. In Star Wars, for example, there exist Interdictor class ships which produce massive gravity wells, similar to those of moons or any other significant cosmic body which forces ships to drop out of hyperspace in order to avoid crashing into said body. (This also makes jumping into hyperspace too close to a planetary body incredibly risky. Not impossible, mind, but there is a reason planetary governments have a minimum distance allocated for incoming and outgoing ships.) Star Wars also makes a big deal out of Hyperspace Lanes (there was an entire war fought over them at one point) which are routes that have been confirmed to be empty of any cosmic phenomena discounting the occasional asteroid that wanders in. They're used as major shipping lanes and commercial passenger transports as a result. You can, of course, elect not to use the routes but you run the risk of encountering surprises even with a navicomputer.
In Star Trek the same rules seem to apply with various cosmic phenomena able to disrupt the warp drive and pull the ship out of warp, whether it be extreme gravimetric distortions that require precision piloting to avoid or nebula too thick for the engines to filter or, really, the list goes on. Could be anything from a nebula to the glowing green hand of a supposed Greek god stopping you from going to warp.
But regardless of the actual metrics of the two kinds of space travel, I find the idea that neither ship would be expecting the other to just appear incredibly amusing.
Neither universe would have any experience with a ship that travels in a space bubble or a ship that just casually drops in from another dimension and really why focus on inter-fandom discourse when you can focus on the incidental comedy?
#star wars#star trek#lore#star wars lore#star trek lore#space travel#there's also that wee detail that staring into the swirling blue of hyperspace has been proven to drive people insane#because its literally another dimension not meant to be seen by humanoid eyes#Darth Vader repeatedly spends ages on the bridge just staring into Hyperspace a lot#I can never decide if he's doing it to punish himself or just to prove to himself that he can without completely losing it#I mean it's Anakin “I'm so dramatic and tragic watch me” Skywalker so both could apply#can just imagine a Republic officer taking a Starfleet officer on a tour through a Venator and they reach the bridge#“Ah here we are. Please don't look outside.”#“What? Why?”#“Well you can but please keep it to brief glances. No more than five minutes at a time. Or you'll lose your mind in short order.”#Maybe the only kinds of people that can stand looking into Hyperspace are Jedi and Vulcans#They see it as a mental gym#A test of their mental mettle
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the way I would kill for an M-rated howling commandos oneshot. she could’ve saved the mcu and this is 100% the hill I will die on
#like gimme historically accurate waiting around marching for days humping through the mud#gimme thinly veiled inglorious basterds references#gimme seven specialized rowdy fucking assholes passing the time by taking the piss out of each other#and clashing and still coming together after to roll their eyes at the brass#gimme the actual fight needed for an integrated unit gimme the politics and posturing of captain america vs. the reality of war#gimme steve actually forming grounded connections to the people around him and becoming a proper leader gimme bucky the NCO#gimme dernier’s resistance stories gimme more about morita in california#and jones the french major and dugan from the fightin’ irish#gimme all of them cussing and fighting and having a miserable time and finding comfort in each other’s company#listen i know its been literally 13 years. i know#i just can’t get over that one BTS of them together and laughing filming the scenes for the TFA montage that we never really got to see#and the deleted scene of the capture at azzano#and i know its too late i just wish we got that instead of the 2838282838 captain carter appearances#howling commandos#captain america#ca: tfa#max.txt#ignore all the typos I was very enthused#i think i need to go back to writing a howlies fic lol
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so I had been thinking about the many similarities between the Chiss and the Time Lords, and between Thrawn and the Doctor as well, and now I need a Doctor Who AU where Thrawn takes Eli as his companion to show him the wonders of the universe
#i mean both species have in their moral code to not interfere in other people/species conflict#and both are pretty much elitarist and have a very unique technology to travel through space (and time)#but if we want to talk about thrawn and the doctor#well: both found a human to take as their protégé#both are very fond of art and love to study their enemy before formulating their attack move#both have a kind of intelligence that many others don’t understand and are able to make connections few could have predicted#both try to prevent useless deaths- ofc the doctor more than thrawn but still#and yes the doctor would never be an imperial or do the bid of a tyrant but he has bloods on his hands too#some regeneration more than others#so yeah all this to say I need time lord thrawn to find tech analyst eli and show him present past and future#just to see the wonder in his eyes#doctor who#star wars#thrawn#thranto#and as a post just reminded me#both thrawn and the doctor are outcast#who basically left their people to be among humans and different aliens
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lies on the floor and stares at the ceiling about how lorien and the garde kids are the ultimate example of 'you inherit your parents' trauma but you will never fully understand it'
#lorien legacies#LL loric#LL tag#on a number of levels tbh; ranging from the literal as in 'my mentor-parent came from a dead world and the only glimpses i get of it'#'and what happened to it; are through their eyes; and they are not likely to be very forthcoming about most of it'#'especially their own issues and traumas both before the war and after'#to 'lorien had a lot of really fucked up shit and long-reaching societal traumas going on long before the war'#'whether they admitted something was a trauma or not (from what we see; usually not lmao)'#'and like. they're gone now. their records are gone. we will never have even a tenth of the full context'#'and one of the only two living direct sources we have for all this is inclined to lie about it'#'how do we even begin to make sense of the bearing their past actions have on what's happening now'#'whether The Interplanetary Political Landscape in General'#'or on the smaller scale of how our lost culture shaped our individual traumas and abuse'#'when we have so little context for or ability to verify what they even *did*'#'how *relevant* is it. because in a lot of ways it IS relevant. but also what does it mean to hold them accountable when they're *gone*'#there's honestly so many other places to emphasize this theme too; i could go on many long infodumps about how this applies to the mogs#but also one of the main characters; who is fully a human; inherits his dad's trauma which *his dad himself doesn't even remember*#there's so much to explore here and it is all very sad rolls around kicking my feet
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You just know in ten years' time some overeducated fucker from Kazan or Volgograd or smth is going to lock himself up in a room and write an 800 page picaresque novel about this and we'll all have to grit our teeth whilst he gets considered the "Voice of his Generation" who has written "the Russian Catch-22" and is "in the Tradition of Tolstoy and Dostoevsky and Solzhenitsyn" and despite the death and the horror and the putrid imperialism of this war, they'll somehow find a way to frame it as this like. Rocambolesque adventure story full of twists and turns that is solely and completely about themselves. And it'll get translated into 55 languages in the first two years after publication and it'll get a movie adaptation or maybe even a miniseries.
#war in Ukraine#Wagner#the way levity has been the main mode of observation of this war chills me#the second they'll have a Russian story about a Forrest gump like character who sees the absurdity of war through naive eyes#or something equally hackneyed#the west is going to have a fine time laughing at this because ''look a caterer! So humourous!''#when this man has been responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands; the suffering of millions#we are unable to be serious and to look at the dead and the suffering and the reactions to this#the amount of jokes about call of duty or an army of caterers or HoI4 or callbacks to this and that piece of media#can they stop the laugh track I want to get off the ride
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tag dump
#✖plotted starter║with a candle through time i could still see your ghost but i can't close my eyes for it is there where you haunt me most#✖mobile post║& i sat in regret of all the things i've done for all that i've blessed & all that i've wronged#✖psa║a reaper's guarantee of responsibility#✖music║again this evening ancient rain is singing the same ancient song#��saved║those painful memories are what help us make it to tomorrow & become stronger#✖wishlist║you don't have to be a ghost here amongst the living#✖open starter║how can i blame the cherry blossoms for rejecting this floating world & drifting away as the wind calls them?#✖dash games║i liked the bittersweet taste of danger touching my lips#✖dash commentary║so how do i apologize & put the tears back in your eyes?#✖meta║the glass of my intentions turns to sand & shatters in my hand#✖character study║the last person I have to save is me & in the end we are the only ones who can save ourselves#✖headcanon║death & i have been scandalously intimate for some time now#✖hae dae-soo║there’s a black bird perched outside my window he burns me with his eyes of gold to embers he sees all my sins he reads my sou#✖gop-dan║others may forget you but i am haunted by your beautiful ghost#✖the jade emperor║there was something beautiful & tragic in the way that she waged war#✖lim ryung-gu║i know the pain that you hide behind the smile on your face#✖park joong-gil║solace lies in the ritual of remembering the dead & yet he cannot find solace in his rotted ribcage made of anger & grief#✖choi joon-woong║does it make me unique to hold hands with the grim reaper rather than go to the angel?#✖koo ryeon║how many nights does it take to count the stars? that's the time it would take to fix my heart
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A writer friend told me something that broke my heart a little bit today; they're going to quit publishing their fanfic.
My instant thought was that they had been trolled or attacked or that something terrible had happened in their life because this person is so passionate about their writing. It wasn't any of that. Engagement with their works has been going down, as it has for many of us. Comments are like gold dust a lot of the time, and just looking through the historical comment counts on old fics on ao3 demonstrates this trend very clearly. It was not simply the comments dropping off which caused them to decide to stop posting, however.
My friend came across a discord server for their fandom (I should point out here that their fandom interest and mine diverged a couple of years ago, we stay in touch but don't currently read each other's posts because I'm not into their fandom and they would rather gouge their eyes out with a wooden spoon than read anything Star Wars) and specifically to share fic in that fandom. They joined, because we all love a good fic rec, only to discover that their latest multichapter fic, which has almost no comments and very few kudos, is being hotly discussed in this server as one of the best stories ever. Not one of these people has bothered to say this to them on the fic. When they asked, none of participants could see the point in telling the author of the fic they apparently loved so much that they love it.
This discovery has absolutely destroyed my friend's love of sharing fic. They share because they love seeing other people's enjoyment, and fic writers do that through comments and kudos/reblogs/likes because we don't get paid. There is no literary critic writing a blog post/article about how amazing the story is for us to copy and keep/frame. There is no money from royalties. All we have are the words of the people reading our works.
Those people on that server could have taken five minutes of the time they spent gushing about how amazing my friend's story was to other people and used it to tell the one person guaranteed to want to hear that praise how much they loved it. They could have taken a moment to express their opinion to the person who spent hours upon hours plotting, writing, editing, and posting those chapters. Instead, they deprived my friend of thing that keeps them sharing their writing, and in the process have killed their love of it. My friend now feels used and unmotivated.
I won't be sharing a link to their fic, they said I could share their experience but not their identity. I know they plan to post one final chapter. I know they intend to express their hurt at being excluded from the praise for the thing they created, and I know they intend to announce that as a consequence they will not be posting for a long while, if at all.
So please, I beg you, don't hide your love of a story from the writer. It's just about the only thing we have.
#fanfiction#fanfic#ao3 writer#ao3 fanfic#writing is hard#fanfic writing#writer stuff#archive of our own#ao3#this isn’t about me#my stuff still has great interaction from readers#although I would never say no to more#but please please please don't hide your enjoyment from us#they feed the gremlins in our heads which give us the stories
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fuck Israel btw
#just getting that out of my system#if you're posting about things like the Amsterdam hooligans and claiming anti-Semitism at everything#but haven't posted a single thing about Palestine#I side eye you because you are probably a zionist#while you're posting about hurt westerner feelings about geopolitics that only bind you together through religious ties#children are being killed every day by Israel#over shit that has not at all actually impacted them#while every day people are being killed across the planet#you want to blame things on anti-semitism when the real problem is western exceptionalism and entitlement and it's being obscured#by claiming any criticism of israel comes from anti jewishness#YOU are the one bringing jewishness into it#WE are talking about ISRAEL#funny how christo-nationalism is bad but when you guys conflate israel with jewishness and blatantly push jewish nationalism#thats ok for some reason#also if you try to make assumptions on me or my own heritage based on this ramble trust me when I say You Are Probably Wrong#remember when 9/11 happened and the US utilised that to fund a fake war for oil#while claiming it was to defend good christian society from the scary muslims#IT'S THE SAME PICTURE LOL ISRAEL IS DOING THE SAME THING YOU GUYS ARE SO FRUSTRATING FOR NOT SEEING IT#AND THEY ARE BACKED BY THE US AND UK WHO HAVE DONE THIS WHOLE ACT BEFORE#HELLO? IS THERE ANYONE FUCKING IN THERE?#“no this time the obvious cia plot is real because it is a source of comfort to me due to my own upbringing and heritage”#UNDERSTANDABLLE BUT STILL IN THE WRONG
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KINGDOM OF ASH (by SJM)
Chapter 48
THE FAMILY REUINION🥹😆😭🫶& MY SOULLL
But when they reached Princess Hasar's battle tent, when they had all gathered around a map of Anielle, they had only a few minutes of discussion before they were interrupted. By the person Chaol least expected to walk through the flaps.
A moment later, Chaol was glad he was sitting down.
Nesryn breathed, "Holy gods."
Chaol was inclined to agree as Aelin Galathynius, Rowan Whitethorn, and several others entered the tent.
They were mud-splattered, the Queen of Terrasen's braided hair far longer than Chaol had last seen. And her eyes ... Not the soft, yet fiery gaze. But something older. Wearier.
Chaol shot to his feet. "I thought you were in Terrasen," he blurted. All the reports had confirmed it. Yet here she stood, no army in sight.
Three Fae males-towering warriors as broad and muscled as Rowan—had entered, along with a delicate, dark-haired human woman.
But Aelin was only staring at him. Staring and staring at him.
No one spoke as tears began sliding down her face. Not at his being here, Chaol realized as he took up his cane and limped toward Aelin.
But at him. Standing. Walking.
The young queen let out a broken laugh of joy and flung her arms around his neck. Pain lanced down his spine at the impact, but Chaol held her right back, every question fading from his tongue.
Aelin was shaking as she pulled away. "I knew you would," she breathed, gazing down his body, to his feet, then up again. "I knew you'd do it."
"Not alone," he said thickly. Chaol swallowed, releasing Aelin to extend an arm behind him. To the woman he knew stood there, a hand over the locket at her neck.
Perhaps Aelin would not remember, perhaps their encounter years ago had meant nothing to her at all, but Chaol drew Yrene forward. "Aelin, allow me to introduce"
"Yrene Towers," the queen breathed as his wife stepped to his side.
The two women stared at each other.
Yrene's mouth quivered as she opened the silver locket and pulled out a piece of paper. Hands trembling, she extended it to the queen. Aelin's own hands shook as she accepted the scrap.
"Thank you," Yrene whispered.
Chaol supposed it was all that really needed to be said.
Aelin unfolded the paper, reading the note she'd written, seeing the lines from the hundreds of foldings and rereadings these past few years.
"I went to the Torre," Yrene said, her voice cracking. "I took the money you gave me, and went to the Torre. And I became the heir apparent to the Healer on High. And now I have come back, to do what I can. I taught every healer I could the lessons you showed me that night, about self-defense. I didn't waste it-not a coin you gave me, or a moment of the time, the life you bought me." Tears were rolling and rolling down Yrene's face. "I didn't waste any of it."
Aelin closed her eyes, smiling through her own tears, and when she opened them, she took Yrene's shaking hands. "Now it is my turn to thank you." But Aelin's gaze fell upon the wedding band on Yrene's finger, and when she glanced to Chaol, he grinned.
"No longer Yrene Towers," Chaol said softly, "but Yrene Westfall."
Aelin let out one of those choked, joyous laughs, and Rowan stepped up to her side.
Yrene's head tilted back to take in the warrior's full height, her eyes widening-not only at Rowan's size, but at the pointed ears, the slightly elongated canines and tattoo. Aelin said, "Then let me introduce you, Lady Westfall, to my own husband, Prince Rowan Whitethorn Galathynius."
For that was indeed a wedding band on the queen's finger, the emerald mud-splattered but bright. On Rowan's own hand, a gold-and-ruby ring gleamed.
"My mate," Aelin added, fluttering her lashes at the Fae male. Rowan rolled his eyes, yet couldn't entirely contain his smile as he inclined his head to Yrene.
Yrene bowed, but Aelin snorted. "None of that, please. It'll go right to his immortal head." Her grin softened as Yrene blushed, and Aelin held up the scrap of paper. "May I keep this?" She eyed Yrene's locket. "Or does it go in there?"
Yrene folded the queen's fingers around the paper. "It is yours, as it always was. A piece of your bravery that helped me find my own."
Aelin shook her head, as if to dismiss the claim.
But Yrene squeezed Aelin's closed hand. "It gave me courage, the words you wrote. Every mile I traveled, every long hour I studied and worked, it gave me courage. I thank you for that, too."
Aelin swallowed hard, and Chaol took that as excuse enough to sit again, his back giving a grateful tinge. He said to the queen, "There is another person responsible for this army being here." He gestured to Nesryn, the woman already smiling at the queen. "The rukhin you see, the army gathered, is as much because of Nesryn as it is because of me."
A spark lit Aelin's eyes, and both women met halfway in a tight embrace. "I want to hear the entire story," Aelin said. "Every word of it." Nesryn's subdued smile widened. "So you shall. But later." Aelin clapped her on the shoulder and turned to the two royals still by the desk. Tall and regal, but as mud-splattered as the queen.
Chaol blurted, "Dorian?"
Rowan answered, "Not with us." He glanced to the royals.
"They know everything," Nesryn said
"He's with Manon," Aelin said simply.
Chaol wasn't entirely sure whether to be relieved. "Hunting for something important."
The keys. Holy gods.
Aelin nodded. Later. He'd think on where Dorian might now be later. Aelin nodded again. The full story would come then too.
Nesryn said, "May I present Princess Hasar and Prince Sartaq."
Aelin bowed—low. "You have my eternal gratitude," Aelin said, and the voice that came out of her was indeed that of a queen. Any shock Sartaq and Hasar had shown upon the queen bowing so low was hidden as they bowed back, the portrait of courtly grace.
"My father," Sartaq said, "remained in the khaganate to oversee our lands, along with our siblings Duva and Arghun. But my brother Kashin sails with the rest of the army. He was not two weeks behind us when we left."
Aelin glanced to Chaol, and he nodded.
Something glittered in her eyes at the confirmation, but the queen jerked her chin at Hasar. "Did you get my letter?"
The letter that Aelin had sent months ago, begging for aid and promising only a better world in return. Hasar picked at her nails. "Perhaps. I get far too many letters from fellow princesses these days to possibly remember or answer all of them."
Aelin smirked, as if the two of them spoke a language no one else could understand, a special code between two equally arrogant and proud women. But she motioned to her companions, who stepped forward. "Allow me to introduce my friends. Lord Gavriel, of Doranelle." A nod toward the tawny-eyed and golden-haired warrior who bowed.
Tattoos covered his neck, his hands, but his every motion was graceful. "My uncle, of sorts," Aelin added with a smirk at Gavriel. At Chaol's narrowed brows, she explained, "He's Aedion's father."
"Well, that explains a few things," Nesryn muttered.
The hair, the broad-planed face ... yes, it was the same. But where Aedion was fire, Gavriel seemed to be stone. Indeed, his eyes were solemn as he said, "Aedion is my pride." Emotion rippled over Aelin's face, but she gestured to the dark-haired male. Not someone Chaol ever wanted to tangle with, he decided as he surveyed the granite-hewn features, the black eyes and unsmiling mouth.
"Lorcan Salvaterre, formerly of Doranelle, and now a blood-sworn member of my court." As if that weren't a shock enough, Aelin winked at the imposing male. Lorcan scowled. "We're still in the adjustment period," she loudly whispered, and Yrene chuckled.
Lorcan Salvaterre. Chaol hadn't met the male this spring in Rifthold, but he'd heard all about him. That he'd been Maeve's most trusted commander, her most loyal and fierce warrior.
That he'd wanted to kill Aelin, hated Aelin.
How this had come about, why she was not in Terrasen with her army ... "You, too, have a tale to tell," Chaol said.
"Indeed I do." Aelin's eyes guttered, and Rowan put a hand on her lower back. Bad— something terrible had occurred. Chaol scanned Aelin for any hint of it. He stopped when he noticed the smoothness of the skin at her neck. The lack of scars. The missing scars on her hands, her palms. "Later," Aelin said softly. She straightened her shoulders, and another golden-haired male came forward. Beautiful. That was the only way to describe him. "Fenrys ... You know, I don't actually know your family name."
Fenrys threw a roguish wink at the queen.
"Moonbeam."
"It is not," Aelin hissed, choking on a laugh.
Fenrys laid a hand on his heart. "I am blood-sworn to you. Would I lie?"
Another blood-sworn Fae male in her court.
Across the tent, Sartaq cursed in his own tongue. As if he'd heard of Lorcan, and Gavriel, and Fenrys.
Aelin gave Fenrys a vulgar gesture that set Hasar chuckling, and faced the royals. "They're barely housebroken. Hardly fit for your fine company." Even Sartaq smiled at that. But it was to the small, delicate woman that Aelin now gestured. "And the only civilized member of my court, Lady Elide Lochan of Perranth." Perranth. Chaol had combed through the family trees of Terrasen just this winter, had seen the lists of so many royal households crossed out, victim to the conquest ten years ago.
Elide's name had been among them.
Another Terrasen royal who had managed to evade Adarlan's butchers.
The pretty young woman took a limping step forward, and bobbed a curtsy to the royals. Her boots concealed any sign of the source of the injury, but Yrene's attention shot right to her leg. Her ankle. "It's an honor to meet all of you," Elide said, her voice low and steady. Her dark eyes swept over them, cunning and clear. Like she could see beneath their skin and bones, to the souls beneath.
Aelin wiped her hands. "Well, that's over and done with," she announced, and strode to the desk and map. "Shall we discuss where you all plan to march once we beat the living shit out of this army?"
#NO SPOILERS PLEASE (though warning for the chapter in post & tags) this is my first read along with me & more reacts in tags etc#Chaorene Rowaelin Elorcan MOONBEAM this chapter has EVERYTHING so it needed its own post mark-if only it had Dorian than it would be PERFECT#A PROPER MAASVERSE REUINION-FULL CIRCLE-& me squealing in wivern happy in sappy like🥹 crying giggling & kicking my feet in excitement#Aelin Sardothien&HER CADRE/Court; her calling them all that — MOONBEAM finally lol how has this not come up or Lorcan tease or Rowan cheerin#she really nails these scenes-break my heart make my day-like QoS but ow&healingX100-my bbs are happy-TAB REFS-THE DYNAMICS-the wives meet!#Ivory horsehair for times of peace; the Ebony for times of war. — significance in tiny details-It was holy-the gold couch lol-SHES PREGGERS#To sit down even for a few minutes would be a blessed relief. — the difference from TOD - lol only Hasar could get interior design rn#to be the first piece of furniture in the home he'd build for his wife. For the child she carried.—shewastheoneheleastexpectedtoseeomg#holding hands even in blood-the ruler but wished to know-close to disaster-flood?that’s bad for fire/maybe she can steam-HOLY GODS INDEED#a moment later Chaol was glad he was sitting-as Aelin Galathynius Rowan Whitethorn and several others entered. Mud splattered. Too long hair#And her eyes ... Not the soft yet fiery gaze. But something older. Wearier.-the young queens gaze again-but a queen nonetheless-HE STOOD#Not at his being here as he took up his cane and limped toward Aelin But him Standing Walking-my soul needed this back-the core tale trio#The young queen let out a broken laugh of joy-broken but still joy-and flung her arms around his neck-the fact she wanted to hug him—#the ache & healing they both felt-but Chaol held her right back every question fading from his tongue.-Fire lance?-she’s shaking again#The way she gives him belief-then there she is-she remembered-her core-no one does anything alone-to say I’m happy for you & mean it vibes#hand over the locket-Yrene Towers the queen breathed as his wife stepped 2 his side The women stared at eachother-YRENE WESTFALL-notCelaena#I knew youd do it-goes both ways-Thank you-those words in this book-it was all that really needed to be said-smiling through tears#Aelin closed her eyes smiling through her own tears and when she opened them she took Yrene's shaking hands-choked joyous laughs-MY SOUL#Rowan stepped up to her side-Aelin said Lady Westfall my husband Prince Rowan Whitethorn Galathynius-the my wife we deserved#emerald mud-splattered but bright-she sure got those emeralds dropping hints literally in EoS-pine green-Nesryn Aelin friendship core#My mate Aelin added fluttering her lashes Rowan rolled his eyes yet couldn't entirely contain his smile-next quote why I luv books/TOG#May I keep this?She eyed the locket.Or does it go in there?Its yours as it always was.A piece of ur bravery that helped me find my own#It gave me courage the words you wrote. Every mile I traveled every long hour I studied and worked it gave me courage. I thank you#A spark lit Aelins eyes&both women met halfway in a tight embrace I want to hear the entire story Aelin said Every word of it#They know everything-Ok WELL MANON lol-The keys Holy gods-the story would come then too-true queen-she bowed for them#the voice that came out of her was indeed that of a queen-THEY BOWED BACK-the portrait of courtly grace lol-the letter worked well#Aelin smirked as if the2of them spoke a language no one else could understand 2equally arrogant&proud women-hell yes I needed them#My friends-uncleLOL-my pride-AelinswinkLorcylol-how had this come about?-guttered-Rowan put a hand on her lower back Bad#gestureHasar😂-only civilized Lady Elides name had been crossed out-the1sthat escaped-CunningClear-she could see beneath to the soul#I am sworn2uWould I lie-cursedAs if he'd heard of LorcanGavrielFenrys-where to march once we beat the living shit out of this army-Vher
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verse drop, 1/7 (mcu canon verses).
#verse drop.#v. you in all your vibrant youth. ( childhood )#v. aim your arrow at the sky. ( young adulthood )#v. shining in your light. ( pre canon )#v. they warned us a storm is coming on. ( thor )#v. pretending not to see your ghost. ( between thor + the avengers )#v. somewhere between desperate and divine. ( the avengers )#v. never known a silence like the one fallen here. ( between the avengers + thor: the dark world )#v. the night falls in your eyes. ( thor: the dark world )#v. i’d wander the darkest path if it meant you’d be saved. ( between thor: the dark world + thor: ragnarök )#v. it’s coming for all we own. ( thor: ragnarök )#v. under starless skies we are lost. ( between thor: ragnarök + avengers: infinity war )#v. and the only solution was to stand and fight. ( avengers: infinity war )#v. take up arms‚ take my hand. ( avengers: endgame )#v. i know that i’ve been through the wars. ( between avengers: endgame + thor: love & thunder )#v. what’s left when children go to war. ( thor: love & thunder )#v. the distance never made a difference to me. ( post canon )
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The Verdict Due
SIMON 'GHOST' RILEY x FEM!READER TASK FORCE 141 x FEM!READER
Traitors Among Us (Part 1)
Innocents Among You (Part 2)
The Guilty Plea (Part 3)
Clear Skies (Part 5)
Summary: You head to Laswell to talk on the rest of your now ruined military career. Of course, you're forced to confront your team as it happens, the last people on earth you'd like to see.
If you liked this would you Buy me a Coffee?
Simon's steps are slow, lacking energy or purpose. Releasing the buckles strapping his vest down to him, he finally arrives to his door, lifting the camo from himself.
His forehead pressing into the wooden door, he finds it harder and harder to open everyday, seeing reminders of you every moment of everyday, when he closes his eyes, when he lays down in bed. Hell when he opens the door. He hated this room now.
Outside of the place that you both had made your home away from war, from battle, from the base, this was where the two of you had once spent most of your time.
He raised his head off the door, before bringing it back down on it, then doing it again, this time hard enough to hurt. "Fuck," he cursed, cursing himself, his stupid decisions, the times he'd never get back, the mistakes he'll never be able to erase. Huffing out bitterly, squeezing his eyes shut, he's still for a moment, before banging his fist against the wall. "Fuck!" There's a crackle along the wall, a clatter of dust and dried paint hitting his feet.
A shuddered breath leaves him, swallowing down his grief, his anger at himself. But, he can't help it. He's ruined everything.
Simon's head stays there against the doorway, he doesn't want to go in.
His head turns a bit, seeing a figure down the hallway, straightening up, dark eyes squinting. "Johnny?"
Quiet and Still. The Scotsman's mouth is set in a hard line, he runs a hand down his face, smearing the mess he'd made of himself. "I..." he breathes deeply. "I saw her today."
"You what?" Simon perks up, eyes wide. He looks past his comrade, seeing the open doorway of your room, "She's here," he speaks, voice alight and hopeful. Making his way past Johnny, "She's here?" he asks this time, bracing himself at her doorway.
But, the room is a mess and void of you. He'd nearly forgotten how the soldiers had left it, the day it happened he could watch it, it would've been too finalizing of what he thought was your betrayal. Today was meant to be the day they'd clean it all up, due to plaguing themselves with missions and ops that required long weeks, long hours. No one wanted to think about what they'd done.
But, now they'd only made another mistake in waiting too long. And now you had to be greeted by this mess.
"I didn't know it was--" Johnny couldn't turn back to the room, back to Simon, as he spoke. "I didn't know we did so much to her. I thought--how long--how could I--" he shakily began. "--how could you?" Simon's eyes flicker to his friend, dark circles and sunken cheeks seem to worsen. "She was so...she couldn't even look at me, Si. Like I'd make her sick, like I'd--hurt her again...I've never--" his fingers claw at his chest, hoping to rip away the ache in his heart, eyes haunted to tears and staring into the dark of his memory as he thought back. "I'd never--" he can't finish.
"She was here?" Simon asked again.
Johnny's clouded eyes look to Simon, opening his mouth before opting for nodding. Clearing his throat, finally seeming to get a handle on himself, "Just left."
"She what?" Simon bolts out towards the stairs, pushing through the doorway and jumping down the first flight to rush through the rest.
As he gets to the lobby floor, he shoves through the door, revealing the hallway to him, running down the long stretch before ramming into the side wall to catch himself at the corner. He continues down the way, running as fast as he's able, before bursting through the side doors of the front lobby.
He sees you immediately, beyond the glass doorways.
"(Y/n)..."
He's running before he can think to get his legs moving.
---
Leaving the dormitories, finally leaving behind the spare hospital wear that you had swapped for your own clothes, you waved down the first vehicle you'd seen.
The driver letting you into the truck, the two of you unaware as he begins to drive off, Simon shoving his way through the residential doors and coming to a stop in the middle of the street as you drive away.
You, having hopped a ride with one of the soldiers making his rounds, the Jeep shakes with the changing terrain, providing more conversation than the trooper that was much too quiet. Shifting his shoulders, adjusting his fingers around the leather, glancing one too many times through the mirror.
It was getting weird. But, you were a familiar face on the base, unfortunately now, it used to be because you were good at your job, the best sniper they had on the force. But now, it was because you were the first proclaimed traitor of the force in decades and the first to be wrong about.
So, the new attention is nothing to be pleased about.
"Find something interesting to look at, soldier?"
Back straightening, body stiffening and eyes facing the road, the trooper swallows thickly at having been caught eyeing you. "No, ma'am!"
"Then I suggest you keep your eyes on the road."
"Yes, ma'am!" clearing his throat. "Sorry, ma'am, I don't mean to stare."
Arms crossed, head turned to watch the smaller buildings go by, your jaw clenched. "It's fine..." you breathe, before relaxing a bit more as the drive goes farther and farther away from the residential areas. Eyes flickering over to the still tense trooper, you mutter. "Ease."
His shoulders drop, head turning, flustered. "Sorry, ma'am."
It was always strange to be called 'Ma'am' by fellow soldiers, usually you were only a year or so apart, others you had been younger by ten years or older by five. But, this trooper was new to the force, young, clearly still jumpy, you had been the same after your first missions on the Task Force.
"I'm sorry, ma'am," the trooper then speaks, shakily.
"You don't have to keep--"
"About what happened to you," he continued. "I'm not sure if you heard that yet, but it's--that sounds--I can't imagine. I'm sorry that happened to you."
For a moment too long you're quiet, holding your breath, staring at the scenery as it whistled on past, the wind whipping through your hair. Your nails tearing into your skin as you rake them over your scars, smearing the line of blood left after ripping out your IV line, abandoning it as you found a ride.
"Get any cool scars out of it, at least?" he jokes, lightheartedly.
Your eyes snap his way, his eyes widening before he looks back to the road, back to stiff.
You open your mouth to speak, but you can't. You're just angry, too angry to find the words. But, you don't want to take it out on him, he was just attempting to alleviate whatever burden he imagined to be on your shoulders. But, all it was was a reminder, this was all anyone could think of anymore, when it came to you, this ordeal.
The apologies, the reminders, the quiet looks, the whispers, the fucking gnawing pain still splintered through your spine, you were tired of it.
The car pulls up to the largest administrative building on the base camp, hopefully you were right and this was where Laswell was posted up.
Quickly pulling the car handle as the trooper steps out of the vehicle to assist you, you hurriedly speak as he reaches to touch you. "I've got it," you hiss out, harsher then you meant. Stepping down and off the platform, onto the sidewalk, you forget you don't have your IV pole to at least stabilize you. So, when you stumble, he grabs your arm, his other resting on your shoulder.
"Woah!" his grip lacks gentleness, though not bruising, it's enough to set you off.
Your arm goes back and over his arm, shrugging him off, roughly. "I said I got it!" Your palm pushing into his shoulder and sending him back and off of you, he shifts back and nearly off his feet, catching himself.
"Alright, jeez!"
You're stumbling back into the light pole luckily a few steps behind you, leaning yourself against the cemented metal, you balance yourself. Shaking off the buzz in your ears and rubbing away the tension built along your skin, taking a few shuttered breaths, turned away from the soldier.
The trooper takes a few steps away from you, expression lifted to frustration and annoyance, rolling his eyes, brows furrowed and back pedaling to the Jeep. "Fucking crazy," he mutters to himself, adjusting his gear and stepping up back to the vehicle.
But, he doesn't make it very far until you're on him.
"What the fu--!"
Taking the opening of his kevlar and yanking him out of the vehicle, unable to catch himself fast enough to get to his feet. You hold a steel grip on the collar of his uniform, literally holding him up by his straps, pulling his entire bodyweight off the ground, leaning down so you're face to face with him. "Say it again," you snapped, eyes dark and boring into his skull. "I wanna have a good excuse for what I'm about to do to you."
He was taller, probably stronger, but looking up at you, he could see the years of mayhem and chaos that's burned itself into your irises, made you the lieutenant he'd tripped up on properly respecting. "I didn't--I didn't say anything! I'm sorry, ma'am, it won't--it won't happen again!"
Nostrils flared, eyes flickering between his wide, fearful ones, your hands loosen around his gear. He falls forwards, landing on his forearms with a groan, releasing a relieved breath.
He looks up, watching as you turn and make your trek into the building. You had seemed so fragile before, with a limp in your walk, scars head to toe and those braces along your legs, he assumed you had no fight in you. He couldn't have imagined, five minutes, he'd be wrong.
---
"Laswell."
The Station Chief turns, manila folder files in hand, brows raised at the intrusion before her eyes widen at the sight of your tired figure.
"Gray..."
You don't wait to be invited inside, instead pulling up a chair as you let the door close behind you. Not fully out of a lack of respect but your legs were killing you and surely if you wait a second longer you'll literally tear a muscle. "You free?"
"Never. But, I can make time," she answers. "Is something wrong?"
You bite down on your tongue. What isn't wrong.
"I put in a request for council in resignation, ma'am. I'm just here to know if it went through."
"I did...receive your request," The woman is still quite surprised to see you, a bit off put at your presence, hearing about your scars was one thing, seeing them was another. "Of course. Though, I expected you to wait for my call before deciding to come to me."
"I'm sure," you feigned a slight chuckle that faded as soon as it started. You say nothing else but stare.
Laswell sighs, tossing down the folder she'd been holding. "Look, Lieutenant Gray--"
"Just (L/N)," you gritted out. "Please." You couldn't stand your codename at the moment, you didn't want to carry a single thing this team had given you.
"Lieutenant..." Laswell pulled up a chair on the opposite side of the long table, facing you, "You've accomplished much on the force, saved lives, eliminated threats that had the potential to level the united nations, your honors and distinctions. At the very least, here, your guidance is a treasure..."
"I'd like my resignation to be approved, Chief--"
Laswell continues. "I need you to careful think about what you're doing here, Gray--(L/n). I don't want you to be motivated by what's happened to you, you still have a place on the force, it doesn't have to be beside your team. Don't waste your talents in the field because of this experience."
"Experience," You scoffed at the word, nose cringing up in disgust at the downplay. "I didn't go on a rollercoaster at Disney World, god--I was tortured by my team for weeks while my fiancé threatened to kill me afterwards..." you were about to lose your mind. "What makes any of you think I'd want to stay here? Why can't any of you just respect my decision to leave? I'm resigning."
Laswell settles back into her chair, lips pressing together, she makes a hum of a sound. "I can arrange a transfer," she compromised. "But, my authorization goes through only after informing Price, he also needs to sign off on this."
Your jaw clenches, your fingers tightening around your clasped hands. "Then how about that favor you owe me?"
Station Chief straightens, brow lifting and arms crossed. "Excuse me, soldier?"
Sighing, reaching a hand into your bag, you bring out a folder of your own, some documents signed off. "I had to wonder who the evidence was sent to, given it was right after our mission and Price doesn't even look at his reports to sign off on something in under 24 hours, it wasn't him," watching as Laswell opened the folder, revealing her own name signing off on the interrogation, just a few of the photos that'd declared you guilty. "Thanks for ruining my career, Laswell."
She spreads out the evidence, her own signature on the papers, she breathes out. "And what are you trying to do here, Gray?"
"Stop calling me that."
"Trying to threaten me with what exactly--?"
"Nothing," you answered. "I'm asking for a favor, from someone I thought was my friend," you find it harder to say, Laswell's jaw clicks and she shifts in her chair. "You owe me that much."
"It's the job, (L/n). I was protecting our own, our resources were very promising."
"Until they weren't, huh?" you sarcastically gritted out.
"Yes..." Laswell sighs. "I do apologize, (L/n), but--"
"Just do this for me," you interrupted, pleading this time. "Please. I can't go to him, I can't even look at Simon, let alone Price. Forget about being in the same room with them. I just--I can't be here, this isn't where I belong anymore," looking down at your hands, the scars that circled your wrists. This was a final decision. "I'm resigning with or without you."
Rising from your seat, Laswell stands as you do, "You resign without clearance, they'll take everything from you. Your pension, your insurance, retirement, everything, you'll be dishonorably discharged, you understand that?"
"'Course, I do," you admit. "Honestly, I thought I'd be dead on a mission somewhere before I saw any of that, I don't expect anything out of this. Nothing's...worth any of this."
As you turn the handle to leave, Laswell speaks once more. "I just wanted to enlighten you on what I'm risking for you, signing off on this."
At that, you glance back to her, watching as the older woman sighs heavily, picking up a pen, opening up the manila folder she'd been holding onto previously. Opening it up to reveal your resignation papers.
"If I do this, when I call on you, Gray," Laswell says. "I expect you to be there."
As she wrote her signature down on the dotted line, you swallowed down the ache that's plagued you for weeks, "I swear."
As the station chief continues down the packet, turning to the next page and signing once again, you slowly slide back into your chair, sitting silently as you watch her sign off on your leave from military service.
You bring your hand up fast as a tear runs down your face, wiping it away before Laswell can see, sniffing quietly.
---
Walking slowly down the side hallway of the admin building, you stare out into space, your eyes glistening as you hold the signed resignation packet to your chest, pressing it to yourself tightly.
Passing the front desk, the security posted up at the elevators, you enter the main hall and come to a stop. Your grip on your documents tightening as you watch rain pour out onto the outer glass of the windows.
Watching the downpour outside, you can't seem to get your feet moving to just leave this place. That's all you need to do, just...walk right through it, into a car, past the gates, onto the highway. Just...go home.
As you flinch at the pitter patter of the rain hitting the building, a short burst of thunder, you try to inch your way closer to the doors but the closer you get, the more you can remember. The more you can feel.
The rain gets louder, and louder. It's cold, although you recall it being 90 degrees and in the middle of the desert. It must just be you.
Putting your folder away and into your bag, the automatic doors open for you, but it's too hard to step through. Staring out into the open landscape, the dividing border of the desert land and the gates surrounding the base. The dry ground now turning muddy, trucks driving by and the mud swelling up at the change in pressure, soldiers rushing through the rain, kicking up mud, flicking up umbrellas.
Breathing deeply, you scuff your shoes forwards, feeling the first drop hit your skin, it's warm, but it's no comfort. Gasping at the feeling, you stumble back into the building, the automatic doors closing.
Short gasps of breath quietly leave you, your nails burrow into the skin of your forearm, you stare at the rain as it pelts at the ground, flooding pot holes and falling into storm drains.
The automatic door opens again, you back up, shifting to the side, as an officer gives you a strange look as he walks past and into the rain.
Your hesitance to proceed into the rain was noticed by a few in the main lobby. Like Kyle, who still stood in his mission uniform, dropping off his reports to the main desk, getting off the elevator to see you staring up at the cloudy sky.
His eyes widening in shock, he's lost in his own world when he begins to take steps towards you, lips parting in disbelief, voice cracking as he breathes out to say, to beg or plead for forgiveness.
The automatic door opens again as you shuffle forwards to try to step outside, he doesn't fully notice your fear of the weather when he speaks.
"(Y/n)..."
You turn at the sound of your name and his eyes flicker to the large scar along your cheek, the red of your eye still, that had changed the color of your iris, maybe permanently. The way you hold your bag tight in your hands as if to shield it from the rain before yourself.
You don't say anything, he hadn't expected you to. You stare at him, surprised to see him, then the expression changes to terror, brows pulling inward and hands sinking into your bag to bring it closer. His heart aching at your reaction to him, his lips pressing together, he doesn't know if she should say another thing. Just let you go.
"(Y/n), I..." he can't help himself as he continues, breathlessly.
You back away from him, out of the building and into the rain. The moment it hits your back, soaking through your shirt, rain hitting the top of your head, down your back, you tense up and spin around.
Kyle's brows furrow, before worriedly witnessing as you curl into yourself instantly, crying out in terror, your hands coming up and over your head. "(Y/n)!"
Realizing what you'd done, your back hits the glass doorway, too late for the doorway to register you wanting to come back inside. You stumble to the corner of the building, just next to the doorway and under the too small gutter to find any shelter from the pelting water at your skin.
A loud sob leaves you, squeezing your eyes shut, you can feel the torture starting again, the unbearable freeze of your limbs, the force of crashing pounds of water along your spine. The screams they would pull from you...
Your torment lasts only a few seconds, suddenly the rain stops, but the sound continues around you. A coat settling around your shoulders and over your head, Kyle's hands on your shoulders, he's yelling over the thunder. "Come on, let's get you out of this. Come on, (Y/n)," he takes your arms. "Let me help you, please!"
"You did this," you cried. "I told you. I told you it wasn't me. But, you kept turning it back on! And then you'd leave it like that and it drove me fucking insane. I'll never be ok again, I can't--" hyperventilating. "Don't touch me, Kyle."
Kyle swallows thickly, head hanging low, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment before leaning down to you. "I can't leave you here like this, please, love," he hauls you up to your feet. You shove him back, pressing yourself further into the corner, shaking, "(Y/n)--"
"Don't put your fucking hands on me. What don't you get, huh?" you spat. Pulling off the jacket he'd placed over you, tensing at ever drop of rain that fell over you after, but you toss it back at him. "I don't want anything from you. Never again."
"I'm sorry," Kyle clutches the jacket. "I'm so bloody sorry. I'm sorry for every damn thing I'd ever done to you. I'm sorry we didn't listen. I should've never done that to you. I didn't want to, I just--I thought I was doing the right thing for all of us," his voice breaks and he cries under the rain as his little sister, his family, hatefully stares him down. "I thought you'd give in, that it'd be over as quick as it started! I'm sorry I couldn't trust that you were telling the truth all that time."
"I don't want your apology!" you yell. "Cause you'll never know the same feeling. You'll never understand what you've taken from me. What you've done to me--" hiccupping painfully.
Kyle looks away from you, inhaling with a shudder, reddening eyes are covered as he raises his hands to run over his face.
"Your apologies. Your wishes for forgiveness," you seethe. " You should keep them. They mean nothing to me."
With that, you shove on past him, re-entering the building and rushing down the hallway, you turn the corner away from Kyle. Leaving the distraught man out in the rain, the automatic door sliding closed as he looks on after you.
Part 5 OUT NOW!
#call of duty x reader#simon riley x reader#simon riley angst x reader#ghost angst#cod x reader#call of duty#ghost x reader#cod angst#simon ghost riley x reader#simon ghost riley angst
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