#we only ever went to a single gay bar in my life bc we spent the entire time being roasted by a bitter old queen who wouldnt stop harrassing

[isa-ah]

literally how do I cope with a movie where the baseline message is that trans children are treated like monsters who will destroy society but ultimately the only person they're trying to hurt is themselves bc they lack the love, support and resources their peers get unconditionally. and that the surveillance state would kill as many civilians as it takes to eradicate trans kids to maintain the status quo by any means necessary.

[bartsugsy]

What’s your favourite Robron moment ?? 😊

OK YOU SENT THIS DAYS AGO AND IT’S BEEN STRESSING ME OUT BECAUSE HOW DOES ONE (1) HUMAN CHOOSE A SINGLE MOMENT???? answer: they do not choose a single moment

ANYWAY RULES ARE FOR LOSERS HERE’S 20 RANDOM MOMENTS I LOVE:

20. THAT TIME DURING THE AFFAIR ERA WHERE ROBERT WAS LIKE HEY AARON AFTER I’M MARRIED WE’RE STOPPING THIS I’M BREAKING UP WITH YOU AND THAT’S THAT AND AARON WAS LIKE ok but what if we didn’t AND ROBERT WAS LIKE OK GOOD POINT WELL MADE GUESS WE SHOULD MEET IN A BARN AND BANG ON THE DAY OF MY WEDDING THIS CAN ONLY GO WELL

19. THAT TIME WHEN ROBERT PAID AN INSANE AMOUNT OF MONEY TO HELP AARON FIND SANDRA BC HE NEEDED HER FOR HIS CASE AND THEN REFUSED TO LET AARON GO TO SEE SANDRA ALONE AND WAS JUST GENUINELY QUIETLY SUPPORTIVE. AND THEY STILL LOVED EACH OTHER AND AARON FELT THAT AND FELT LIKE HE HAD TO KISS ROBERT THEN AND THERE BECAUSE HE DIDN’T REALISE THAT ROB WOULD WAIT FOR HIM TO SORT HIS SHIT OUT FIRST BUT ROB EXPLICITLY CLARIFIED FOR HIM THAT HE WASN’T GOING ANYWHERE

18. A LITTLE EARLIER IN THAT ERA, WHEN AARON WAS HIDING OUT IN IRELAND AND ROBERT WOULD JUST WALK INTO EVERY SCENE DEMANDING TO KNOW WHERE AARON WAS. EVERY SINGLE SCENE.

17. THAT TIME AARON SPOKE HORRIBLE FRENCH (HE LIVED IN FRANCE FOR Y E A R S HOW DID HE COPE) AND ROB WAS LIKE ........i’m dating the hottest man alive?

16. THAT TIME ROBERT LITERALLY GAVE UP HIS COMPANY AND HIS ENTIRE FUCKIN HOUSE JUST TO GET AARON BACK BC HE WAS SO TERRIFIED FOR HIS SAFETY

15. THAT TIME DURING THE AFFAIR WHEN ROBERT FINANGLED IT SO THAT ALL OF THE WHITES WENT ON HOLIDAY AND HE JUST FULL ON MOVED AARON INTO HOME FARM AND THEY ACTED LIKE A FULL ON MARRIED COUPLE FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK, LIKE THE MOST INSANE PREVIEW OF THEIR FUTURE EVER DESIGNED

14. THAT TIME!!!! LACHLAN THREATENED ROBERT!!! SO AARON JUST FUCKIN???? KIDNAPPED???? HIM?????????? A LITERAL TEENAGER???????????? AARON KIDNAPPED A FUCKIN TEENAGER BC HE THREATENED TO PUT ROBERT IN JAIL (and yes used methods that hit v close to home for aaron to do so) BUT HONESTLY HE SHOVED A TEENAGER INTO HIS BOOT BC??? SURE?????? they’re both insane

13. OH YEAH THAT TIME ROBERT BURNED 100K BECAUSE AARON, FEELING ANNOYED AND PETTY, INSINUATED THAT ROBERT LOVED MONEY MORE THAN AARON AND FRANKLY AARON IS ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE ROBERT DOESN’T PUT MONEY AHEAD OF (or he used to, before he Grew As A Person tm) (i’m sure that won’t stick

12.THAT TIME THEY GOT MARRIED

11. ROBERT JUST WANTED TO THROW AARON THIS MASSIVE SYMBOLIC SHOW OF LOVE AND DEVOTION BEFORE HE WENT TO PRISON AND HE WANTED IT TO BE PERFECT AND WHEN IT WASN’T HE WENT OFF IN A STROP BUT AARON COULD LITERALLY GET MARRIED TO ROBERT WHILST STANDING IN A PILE OF LITERAL RUBBISH AND BE HAPPY BC AARON DOESNT CARE HE JUST WANTS TO BE MARRIED (ROBERT ALSO JUST WANTS TO BE MARRIED BUT HE HAS STANDARDS OK) AND SO AARON WENT AFTER HIM AND TALKED HIM DOWN AND THEN THEY JUST SAID FUCK IT AND GOT MARRIED ALONE, IN A PLACE THAT WAS SPECIAL TO THEM, BECAUSE IT WAS LITERALLY JUST FOR THEM AND ABOUT THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER??? AND IT WAS ABOUT KNOWING THAT AFTER PRISON THEY’D STILL COME BACK TO ONE ANOTHER????? AND THAT TOOK LONGER THAN EXPECTED (WAY LONGER) (AND WAS A LOT MESSIER) BUT IT STILL HAPPENED BC THEIR FUTURES ARE WITH ONE ANOTHER AND THEY EARNED THAT AND BOTH FOUGHT FOR EACH OTHER MASSIVELY

10. THAT TIME AARON WAS IN HOSPITAL DURING SSW AND ROBERT SAT IN THE WAITING ROOM WITH CHAS AND LOOKED DEVASTATED BC HE COULD LOSE THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE NBD. ROBERT WAS SO SAD BUT ALSO SO FRUSTRATED WITH HIMSELF AND HE FINALLY GOT TO EXPRESS HIS REGRETS OVER THE AFFAIR ERA AND HOW MUCH ~TIME HE WASTED FUCKIN AROUND BC HE WAS SCARED AND ALSO LBR WANTED THAT WHITE MONEY AND POWER WHEN INSTEAD HE COULD HAVE JUST BEEN FUCKIN HAPPY AND LIVING HIS LIFE WITH AARON, WHICH IS ULTIMATELY THE ONLY FUTURE HE WANTS FOR HIMSELF AND AALDHSDFOH THE JOURNEY!! ROBERT SUGDEN!!!! HAS BEEN ON!!!!!!! IS SO GOOD FIGHT ME

9. SPEAKING OF HOSPITALS, THAT TIME ROBERT GOT HIT BY A CAR AND AARON FUCKIN RACED TO THE HOSPITAL AND CRIED AT ROB’S BEDSIDE DESPITE HAVING OSTENSIBLY MOVED ON FROM ROBERT BC HEY NEWSFLASH AARON NEVER STOPPED LOVING ROBERT JACOB SUGDEN. AND THEN THEY PROMISED TO BE FRIENDS AND ROBERT TOLD AARON HE’D BE THE BEST FRIEND HE’D EVER HAVE AND I DIED.

8. THAT TIME THEY JOKED ABOUT ANAL SEX IN THE SCRAPYARD #GAYCULTURE

7. THAT TIME!!!! ROBERT WENT TO A GAY BAR!!! TO TRY AND GET OVER AARON!!!! BUT BECAUSE AARON IS A FUCKIN LUNATIC WHO, AGAIN, NEVER STOPPED LOVING ROBERT JACOB SUGDEN, AARON FOLLOWED HIM AND THEN JUST SORT OF LURKED IN THE SHADOWS LOOKING SAD AND ESSENTIALLY WAS PREPARED TO TORTURE HIMSELF WITH WATCHING ROB PICK UP A DUDE BC HE COULDN’T STOP ROBERT BUT ALSO, INTERNALLY, HE REALLY WANTED TO STOP ROBERT

6. OH AND THEN AARON SAW ROB GO OUTSIDE ALONE AND TOOK HIS CHANCE TO SAY SOMETHING AND THEY JUST SORT OF SADLY FLIRTED WITH EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY BOTH DESPERATELY WANTED TO BE TOGETHER??? AND FELT THAT THEY COULDN’T BE???? BUT STILL COULDN’T NOT FLIRT WITH ONE ANOTHER????????

5. THAT TIME AARON WAS LIKE HEY ROBERT DON’T COME TO COURT WITH ME AND ROB WAS LIKE .....YEAH WHATEVER AND THEN SHOWED UP IN COURT ANYWAY AND AARON WAS LIKE ??? BUT ALSO :’) AND ROB WAS JUST LIKE LOL SINCE WHEN DO I EVER LISTEN TO U

4. THAT TIME THEY TOOK THEMSELVES OFF TO A HOTEL AND THEN LEFT IT IN A LITERAL STATE??? AND THEN JOKED ABOUT IT???? BC THEY SPENT ALL NIGHT BANGING????? AND AARON HAD LITERALLY FORCED ROBERT TO TURN HIS PHONE OFF BC CLEARLY ROBERT HAS A PROBLEM #relatable #me (oh and meanwhile gerry was dying but yk we’re talking abt robron here)

3. GDI THAT TIME WHEN ROBERT LITERALLY THOUGHT HE HAD GOTTEN AWAY WITH SLEEPING WITH REBECCA AND STILL TOLD AARON THE TRUTH ANYWAY BC HE JUST??? COULDN’T LIE TO HIS HUSBAND???????? ROBERT, WHO LIED ABOUT EVERYTHING??? AND AARON UNDERSTOOD THAT GROWTH DESPITE OBVIOUSLY BEING HEARTBROKEN AND DEVASTATED RIP, BC AARON KNOWS ROBERT. THEY KNOW EACH OTHER SO WELL!!!!! 

2. THAT TIME WHEN AARON WAS SO ANNOYED THAT HE COULDN’T BONE ROBERT IN PEACE THAT HE DECIDED TO SUGGEST THEY MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THEN THEY (ULTIMATELY) FUCKIN DID AND THEN ROB WAS LIKE HEEEEY TIME 2 PROPOSE AND PLANNED THIS INSANE PLAN INVOLVING ALL OF THE BREAD IN THE VILLAGE TO SHOW AARON JUST HOW MUCH HE LOVES HIM BC HE DOES

1.5 WAIT I HAVE TWO MORE HOLY SHIT THAT TIME!!!!!!!!! THEY LITERALLY!!!!!!!!!!!! BOTH PLANNED TO PROPOSE TO ONE ANOTHER????? AT THE SAME TIME????????? IN THE EXACT SAME WAY?????????????? WHO ARE THEY WHAT IS THIS???? DID THEY LITERALLY LIKE.... HAVE THIS CONVERSATION MID-BONE???? WHY WERE THEY BOTH THINKING ABOUT PROPOSING AT THE SAME TIME WITH THE SAME PLAN TO GO BACK TO WHERE THEY FIRST KISSED???? AND THEIR FAMILIES, WHEN THEY FOUND THIS OUT, WERE JUST LIKE ....oh lol AND THEN NEVER MENTIONED HOW FUCKING INSANE THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS THAT THIS IS WHAT THEY DID gdi who are they. OH AND THEN THEY ACCIDENTALLY??? ENDED UP AT THE LAY-BY ANYWAY????? BECAUSE ROBERT’S CAR ACTUALLY BROKE THE FUCK DOWN BC GOD CLEARLY SHIPS IT OR SOME SHIT AND THEN AARON WAS LIKE lol where are we never seen it before x EVEN THOUGH NOT 24 HOURS EARLIER HE WAS WAXING LYRICAL TO LIV OVER HOW ROMANTIC IT WOULD BE TO TAKE ROBERT TO THAT VERY SPOT AND FUCKIN ASK HIM TO MARRY HIM. AGAIN. BECAUSE THEY’RE ALREADY FUCKIN MARRIED?????? god they’re lunatics. OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN ROB WENT TO PROPOSE AND AARON LITERALL GOT ANNOYED BC HE WAS LIKE NO IT’S MY TURN BACK OFF SUGDEN AND THEN THEY SAID IT AT THE SAME FUCKIN TIME bc they’re literally just insane i can’t deal with them.

1. that time aaron made a speech about how robert jacob sugden, knowing every terrible thing he’s ever done and having been victim to his stupidity, manipulation, hunger for power and money and general terribleness, is still a good person who deserves love bc as much as aaron knows the bad that robert’s done, he also knows all of the good and just how far he’s come - and robert knows now, bc he’s done so much to try and be a better person for aaron and for their family and now he literally is actually sort of proud of the person he’s become and so much of that is aaron’s influence and like... aaron makes robert a better person by loving him as much as he does and robert in return loves aaron more than anything and they both recognise this love within each other and does it literally go beyond common sense? yes. are they basically a cautionary tale as to why maybe there is such a thing as too much love? u know they are. but are they perfect for each other? RIP YES THEY ARE THIS ISN’T GOING UNDER A CUT READ THIS ENTIRE POST AND SUFFER WITH ME GDI

[fratboyfaith]

coming out!

okay, so, maybe i should start at the beginning?

yeah, okay. here we go.

history

as far back as I can remember, i’ve had crushes. like, almost an abnormal amount for such a young kid ahahah. want proof? every year of school I had a crush on at least one person, holy fuck. good god, i would have so many crushes on these random boys i never even talked to and i’d be in a constant dreamy state due to it.

i would watch movies and dream of experiencing the same things those women (who are literally faking love) portray on television.

i had my real first kiss at 5, with a girl

actually, she was the furthest I ever went with anyone, later on.

my “first kiss”, you know, the one that’s ‘the first’ as a pre-teen where it’s all awkward and shit, i had behind a library at 14

but when he kissed me, or rather, when I grabbed his face and kissed him because he was too hesitant to make the first move…

i felt nothing.

you know in movies, books, for god’s sake even songs, that thing…that tingle? apparently there’s this tingle you’re supposed to get? or that feeling you get when you’re with someone you ‘like-like’ -since we’re talking about 14 year olds

I didn’t feel that attraction, I didn’t feel anything. when we dated for a short period of time — the way grade nines do, you know — i felt nothing. 

I mean, I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with him, we hadn’t known each other that long, but when I say nothing happened, like I didn’t feel a single thing. before, during, and after.

we broke up a few days later due to my lack of affection, and of course the fact that he wanted someone else.

when we broke up, I didn’t get mad, didn’t get upset, didn’t feel anything.

I was just trying to follow the ‘normal teenager’ thing to do.

being 14, i just wanted to be as normal as possible.

experience

so then, i kept trying.

because to a 14 year old a boyfriend was such a big priority.

i made friends with a nice boy, we’re still friends to this day

what a great guy he is, and i’m honestly so glad he found someone he can spend his life with

we hit it off back the same year, 2014, everything was great

but then something shut off.

that was the start of me thinking there was something legitimately wrong with me for 6 years

right before we were about to date,

my whole opinion of him changed in literally in a blink.

like, it all shut off, that feeling… like, the attraction?

so, since all those feelings just *disappeared*, so did I out of his life.

this was a continuous thing from grade 9 to present day, ever since I started dating.

every single time I would go out with a guy, within days I would lose all feelings

and the weird part was that it never bothered me.

I never felt sad for losing feelings.

they just switched off as soon as we got close.

and the whole time, I thought there was always something wrong with me

like, there was nothing wrong with these people, most of my ex’s are quality* people!

*although there was one guy I dated who threatened me and told me to “drop dead” bc i broke up with him due to this ‘problem’ I thought I had. so that wasn’t really cool tbh

I kept trying so hard to find someone who I didn’t instantly lose feelings for as soon as we got close

i went through 27 people, in those 6 years, and every single one I lost feelings for instantly either right before being asked to be their girlfriend, or days after we started dating.

i always thought there was something wrong about me, and i hated myself for it.

i resorted to ghosting to every person who tried to get to my heart because the feelings were never mutual in my case,

for 6 years i ghosted so many people — even before it was called ghosting

and looking back now I can acknowledge that it was so wrong to do that…if I had the mind i did when i was 14 and started experiencing this, i wouldn’t of resorted to ghosting. 

but the idea of spending one more single day with a person i had lost all feelings for... to the point where it would make me uncomfortable to even be near them, was too much for me to handle.

so i broke up with the past partners, and ghosted the could-have-beens, so i wasn’t feeling this horrible discomfort, and i didn’t want to lie to them and fake my feelings for their happiness... because in my eyes that’s worse. 

2018 me would have totally given an explanation bc ghosting is not cool at all.

i just shut out their feelings, because mine were already gone prior.

being i didn’t know what was ‘wrong’ with me, this was the only option in my eyes.

fast forward to last year (2017)

i met someone, we really clicked well, everything was going great, he showed me the classiness of dating that no one had shown me before

but it still happened (gosh darn)

I lost every feeling that i was trying so hard to hold onto

but no matter how hard my grip was, it always slipped out of my fingers.

obviously now i see that ghosting is such a dick move lol

so i actually gave him an explanation! he became the first guy I came out to! (further on the coming out part in like 5 or 6 sentences i know this is so long)

realization

in october 2017 i started digging deep into how i function as a person and trying to learn more about who i am..

i started to research a little, but gave up quickly.

like how do you try and explain in the google search bar that every time anyone tries to get close with you, you lose all feelings and shut them out instantly?

then it hit me

my voice in my head literally said to me ‘oh shit what if i’m asexual’

i spent the next 72 hours in my room researching everything about asexuality.

i found out there’s nothing wrong with me, and holy fuck was that a weight of my shoulders.

i discovered so much information and found out there are so many different kinds of asexuality.

the way ash hardell explained it in such depth... it’s like everything made sense. it’s like when she gave the definition for lithromantic/sexual it was about me.

i was so relieved, man you have no idea how relieved i was.

all of a sudden this ‘problem’ i had wasn’t a problem.

november 3rd 2017 to my mom, dad, and my best friend of 7 years, I came out as asexual.

i was so scared. like, usually i never get nervous. tests? exams? psh, if anything i’m too laidback and unworried.

my mom said to me “life can be just as fulfilling without having to get married or date, you can have amazing friends and support without a significant other” she was so accepting and supportive.

my Conservative Christian father told me “well, maybe you haven’t met the right boy yet that’s all”

lol what the fuck

it’s like… if a man comes out as gay, and someone were to say “maybe you haven’t met the right girl yet that’s all”

funny enough, even when I told my close friend —at the time— who was coincidentally homosexual, he said the same thing to me, which baffles me because I would have thought him all people would understand the difficulty of coming out and having everyone judge you because you’re different.

and furthermore, for the next month, that "you just haven’t met the right guy” quote was all I heard from everyone.

i went silent for a year.

every person i told, granted it was only a few of close friends and my parents, told me the same thing. 

pretty sure only one person didn’t use that line on me, so thanks anGeLiNa ilysm <3 

lesson: if someone is coming out don’t say shit like

“maybe you just haven’t met the perfect guy yet”

bc if they’ve gone through the difficulty of this, they’re probably PRETTY SURE that’s not gonna be the ‘cure-all’ remedy. 

for a year I held my tongue even though I knew the truth about myself, I was afraid of being stigmatized or told the same thing everyone else did.

until a few days ago, i was in this state of holding it all in for 13 months.

i was unsure if i should tell my new college friends, i was worried no one would like me. i feared stigmatization, i feared guys would think i was a prude 

i didn’t want to spend all my time trying to explain a sexual orientation i didn’t even 100% understand myself

I always liked the concept of falling in love, it used to be all I’d think about when I was younger

I see young couples holding hands walking in stores or down the street and i sigh because i wish i had that.

the concept of love really got me.

I would still have these crushes too, but I would never pursue them just because I never had an interest to.. and when I would, I would lose feelings instantly because deep within I never wanted intimacy.

so in my sociology class last week, asexuality was the topic we were learning, and with that it brought everything back

like a year hadn’t even passed.

but this time i was determined for some answers.

when I came out to my family and keona (to me, she is also family) I was still hesitant… for god’s sake I was hesitant until yesterday.

I didn’t like the feeling of this label making me *doomed to never love* as I still like the concept of love

but I needed to be honest with what i really want

when I’m in a relationship, i’m not happy. 

romantic reciprocation towards me makes me uncomfortable, it’s just who I am.

so why force it if it’s something i truly do not want? 

it doesn’t make me sad anymore, it used to. I always liked the idea of dating having an S/O, but in reality, deep within, for me.. I do not want that. I simply like the idea. I can’t change me, as soon as I discovered asexuality, i no longer saw it as problem anymore — if anything it takes soooooooo much pressure off.

so yeah, 

I still get attracted to guys. (and girls oooo fun additional tidbit)

still get crushes.

still walk by people and look them up and down bc damn hello *wink*

yeah i get horny i’m not a nun

yeah, i have a great personal sexual life

i’m not a fucking robot lol

yeah i’ll still flirt with you for fun

simply put: I just don’t want to be romantically or sexually close with someone else.

I have no desire to, and I’m okay with that

I’m still learning all of this as I go along,

i have wonderful friends who support and love me and that is all I could ever ask for <3 

i don’t see the high point of my life to be having kids or getting married tbh, i don’t actually even see that ever happening. 

no, life isn’t lonely, I love my solitude and I gain so much positivity and love from my family, friends, and the people around me. 

yesterday (dec 10th) i finally accepted myself — after countless years of trying to do something i’m not programmed to do.

i’m asexual/aromantic

literally am the same person as i was yesterday, last week, and last year

all this is, is a label and an event of acceptance of myself

not changing anything about myself

I am simple acknowledging who i am, and letting it be known, so I can further accept it myself and grow ♡

with doing this, I feel SOOOOO good oh my GOD

this was such a happy thing for me to write! this is a day of freaking celebration!

like, i don’t have to keep trying be something i’m not and it feels wonderful

i can finally start focusing on my version of happiness instead of trying to accomplish the traditional happiness…which ironically never made me happy.

my #1 girl is named faith and i’m focusing on her happiness, and this was a big acceptance chapter I needed to get through in order for her to flourish further. 

thank you for reading!

xx

tbh i’m not even going to proofread this so if there’s spelling mistakes my uPmOsT aPoLogiEs~

[gooseghoul]

make me dream bud, for the ask meme: Snape, Lupin and Lucius !

put 3 characters in my inbox and I’ll tell you who I’d slow burn/fake date/enemies to lovers with

thank you bud

Snape, Lupin and Lucius

putting this under a cut bc i accidentally wrote 3 feature length films of self insert fanfic.

honestly, lads, skip to the end for lucius. it’s the highlight of this post.

slow burn: snape.

so, it’s not that we’re not friends at school. bc we’d talk in potions (or, I’d talk and he’d glare), we’d trade transfiguration notes (he hated that I wrote everything mcgonagall said down), and he’d best me in defence (the only time I’d ever seen him smile). we weren’t friends, but we weren’t not not friends.

he went off the deep end his last two years in school. i’d still speak to him but didn’t seek him out. slytherin pride and all that. gotta stick together. gotta not get murdered by the dark lord.

he wasn’t the type to keep in touch post hogwarts. but with where he was headed in life, the most i was hoping for was that he’d have a “meh” opinion of me. so, if he was ever tasked with murdering me, he’d at least be somewhat quick about it.

the war ends and I run into him. he’s a mess. full mourning dress, looking a little bit queen victoria, absolutely brooding. don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate brooding. but man, sometimes you just need to pull yourself together. we’re not friends exactly. but he sees that i still see him as the angsty kid i went to school with and not the death eater he became. most other people have tainted views of him. i knew too much of his anger, too much of his teenage fear and hate to despise him. i’d seen him laugh in the common room with mulciber, in the courtyard with the girl whose death ended the war. i’d seen him that one christmas i’d stayed at hogwarts. seen him with no presents under the tree. a stocking empty.

how could i hate a kid i’d seen come to school with at the start of term bruises on his arms? i hated what he’d become, the direction he turned to, but as a slytherin i knew he had little choice. he didn’t have the means to say no. not that i’m sure he’d have wanted to. the boy was a bastard at times, cold and malicious, but he wasn’t evil. he didn’t have the heart to be evil.

he owled me every month from hogwarts. then, after a year, every fortnight. then every week. then every other day.

the month harry potter came to hogwarts i received no owls. no frantic floo calls. nothing but radio silence.

then he showed up at my doorstep unannounced, fire whiskey in hand, ranting about how the boy was just like his father. it was awful to listen to, but listen i did. because snape had been through this before: the torment at potter’s hands (although this time unintentional, possibly imagined), the need to fight back, to be drawn into something bigger. the cycle has begun again.

snape was cruel. ugly. an awful, vindictive man.

but i couldn’t shake that christmas morning from my mind. i couldn’t shake the sound of his laugh.

i’d see him in person more often. whenever he had a free weekend he’d floo in. mostly he complained about potter, but i tried to drag him away from that topic after a few weeks of nothing but anger. potions was a good bet, but even that devolved into how incompetent potter war.

so i put a “potter” jar on my mantelpiece and made snape pay a knut every time he even thought about the kid. after two weeks, the jar was half full and snape started insisting we meet in hogsmeade instead. neutral territory. easier for him. as far away from that damn jar as possible. but the point had been made. potter was mentioned no more.

i didn’t see him when the mark burnt black on his skin. not for a good week. then snape was tumbling into my hallway numb from the torment. in all the time i’d known him, he’d never been so quiet.

i lead him to my bed and he fell asleep there. i took the sofa. it was the first time he’d stayed the night. it wasn’t the last.

it was weird how it progressed. how it went from cups of tea wordlessly granted, to stolen looks, fingers lingering too long, touches that weren’t there before. he didn’t like me like that. didn’t love me like how he’d loved that girl from before. i knew that in my heart. knew i’d always be second best. knew he didn’t truly have it in him.

but i was there and one touch led to another. one barking laugh at something i’d read in the paper. one christmas morning spent away from the castle. one fire whiskey too many.

a year and a half of normal. of the something between us being more than friendship and slightly less than love.

then the end of harry potter’s sixth year. the end of dumbledore’s tenure. i couldn’t look at him. couldn’t speak to him. couldn’t touch him.

that last year I wish I could live again. my family and I were safe. though we weren’t death eaters we were purebloods, slytherins, good people who’d never gone out of our way to say anything about muggles. snape wasn’t part of that year. was part of that awful regime.

I regret it. now that Potter’s story came out. now that the truth of Severus Snape had reverberated throughout the wizarding world. even i, one of the people closest to him, who had known and loved him the longest out of all, had believed him a monster. but snape was dead. gone. and he had died for love. so confusing a concept that at times i didn’t think him capable of it.

(but the way he’d talked of potter. how he ranted and raved – that was love, wasn’t it? love of the mother, hatred of the son.)

he was dead but not completely. i see him there, in the flash of a student’s cloak; black like the mourning robes he never shed. there, in the biting remark spun in the air over a pint at the bar. and there, in the ugly sun which rises now over the wizarding world. it is a world not free from hate nor vitriol, but one recovering from a war which would have been fateless without him.

fake date: lupin. sirius black cannot stand anything slytherin. to him, understandably, slytherin is the epitome of all that is wrong with the world. certainly all that is wrong with hogwarts. sirius black hates the fact that lupin is on civil terms with me and actually kind of friends. we sit together in potions. while we’re not the best students, slughorn thinks we work well together and refuses to separate us.

so, The Prank has just happened. I’ve no idea what went on, but that weird Snape kid in my year looks shaken up. Sirius Black looks actively guilty. And Remus Lupin is angry. I don’t think I’ve seen Lupin angry in my life. Lupin is so angry he misses our study group, and almost puts the flobberworm mucus in the potion too early. but he doesn’t care that the potions could have gone horrifically wrong.

a week later he finally comes to the library. i ask him what’s wrong but he doesn’t say anything. eventually he hisses, “Black did something stupid. so fucking stupid. he doesn’t even see what he did wrong.”

he’s calling Sirius ‘Black’. Sirius Black is never anything but Sirius.

“I hate him. I’m never speaking to him again. I wish I could just— I wish I could show him how awful— do something that would make him see—”

he looks at me, a gleam in his eyes. “M. you’re a slytherin.”“er”“You’re a pureblood.”“eeeerrr”his eyes are beginning to look a bit manic. “you’re friends with snape”“friends is a strong word for knowing the kid’s name.”

“M. I need you to know that I mean this completely platonically. But I trust you and I think this could work. Will you be my girlfriend?”

platonic? girlfriend? “remus, you know—“

“sirius hates everything about you.” (thanks bud). “not you specifically. but everything you embody. pureblood. blood supremacy. voldemort”

“okay, listen, mate. just because I’m slytherin doesn’t mean I’m up for maiming some muggles.”

“no. but sirius thinks you are. he thinks you’re all the same.”

I think of regulus in the years below, and how, yeah regulus is a blood supremacist like most of us. but he’s not that.

“right. i don’t see what this has to do with platonic dating.”

“It’ll show Sirius how much he’s hurt me. that I’ve turned to you out of all my friends. that he didn’t even know I’d been thinking of you.”

so, Lupin is great. but also sometimes, just sometimes, he’s a bit of a dick. but you know what, if remus lupin wants to date you you do not say no. even if it’s platonic, strictly revenge dating. even if you think that maybe lupin should just talk through his feelings (his weirdly passionate feelings) with Sirius.

“fine. let’s do it.”

Sirius Black is pissed off. we start off small. walking to classes together. stopping by the gryffindor table to say hi to Lupin. we even let ourselves be caught holding hands in the corridor. how scandalous.

the slytherins corner me and ask what the fuck i’m doing with a gryffindor. so i tell them: I’m doing this to bring the blood traitor Sirius Black down a peg. I want to destroy him. Snape doesn’t look at me anymore. but honestly, his impact on my life was so little that I’d barely notice had one of the Black girls not pointed it out.

we’re in the corridor one day before lupin’s prefect patrol. stood by the gryffindor common room just talking while lupin waits for his partner (lily?) to arrive. lupin’s holding my hand, thumb running over my knuckles absent mindedly. no-one’s around, but you have to put the effort in, right? you have to believe what you’re doing to act it well, right?

“bear with me” lupin says looking behind me. and kisses me.

it’s weird. but maybe…. M, maybe you’re not as gay as you thought you were.

there’s a horrified sound behind you. a hissed word and a door (portrait?) slamming shut. but all that exists in the world is remus lupin.

he pulls away after a moment. utters a single word fuck before kissing me again.

after hogwarts we marry and have 15000000000 cats and my family is super rich so that skinny boy never has to starve again and we build a werewolf bunker under our country estate and all is well. (until his two best friends are murdered and their child survives them but grows up abused and not know who he is but y’know we can gloss over that part.)

enemies to lovers: lucius.

i was a couple years above draco at school. the malfoys hated my family as we were both slytherins and blood traitors (lmao at me pretending i am in anyway a pureblood). post war the malfoys are trying to redeem themselves. draco and i go to the same university (st andrews school of magic), we run into each other in the classics dep and start talking. we become slow friends and i stay at his house over summer. his mum’s house, bc lucius and narcissa divorced post-war.

lucius is there one day, sees me, spits some vitriol and storms out. there’s a number of awful meetings with lucius, but draco isn’t willing to put his parent’s desires above his own anymore. bc he is not his parents. turns out, lucius resents me bc my family and i were good slytherins, so we didn’t get fucked over post-war. lucius and i have a number of mr darcy / elizabeth bennett style arguments with draco bashing his head against the table.

the next summer, i spend a couple weeks with draco at his dad’s place. there, lucius reveals he’s not a complete cock and is actually trying to repent but doesn’t know how. i’m kind of like, hey, so maybe this guy isn’t as bad as he seems. hey, draco, your dad’s kind of cool once you get past the whole being a death eater thing. slowly lucius starts spending more time around the house when draco, me and our friends are there. lucius starts talking to me like i’m a human being and not a rat.

hey, draco, you know your dad has great hair right? you know he’s actually kind of handsome if we ignore how stress has aged him. hey, draco —

cue a scene straight from clueless. one of lucius malfoy’s albino peacocks (because he smuggled some out from the manor during the divorce) walks behind me, a fountain suddenly starts spouting water.

“oh my god, draco. i’m in love with your dad.”

…

…

…

draco says, “no fucking shit you doorknob”

i don’t do anything bc lucius is a dick. he’s always been a dick. i’ve hated his family since before i could talk. he’s hated mine since before i was born. but he’s also….. kind of a dilf? draco thinks the whole thing is really weird, but also he’d rather me than some of the people who’ve been trying to court lucius. so like, he starts trying to hint at a possible relationship.

hint is a strong word.

“hey, dad, M would be a great step mum right?” “hey, dad, doesn’t M look like she could do with a sugar daddy to help her off her feet. if only we knew someone who had a lot of money.” “oh, hey, dad. don’t we have lots of money?” “hey, dad, i can’t be her sugar daddy bc I’m too young. the laws of sugar daddies disallow any relationship between us. if only there were another single man in this family with access to our fortune.”

meanwhile, the malfoy’s most recent house elf is trying to bash draco’s head against the table.

i get invited to the malfoy’s christmas party. i’m working on my postgrad and draco has just finished his first semester of honours.

there’s mistletoe. lucius is standing next to me. but there’s mistletoe. at the christmas party. at the christmas party where lucius is standing next to me. under the mistletoe.

we kiss. really awkwardly bc i’m about 5 gin and tonics into the night but also really eager. bc shit son. shit son. this universe’s M is str8 as heck for the absolute daddy that is Lucius Malfoy.(draco is head bridesmaid at our wedding. a single albino peacock is best man. it is a beautiful, if not visually confusing, affair.)

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8/26/17, 6:27pm - Some Kinda Closure pt 3

So this week had some shenanigans. Got drunk with aaron and cody, found out gay guys think I’m hot as shit, so that’s always a nice ego boost. Also I talked to Aaron and these guys at the bar about me joining their amateur pool team. They said I’m gonna be on the very low elo end of the spectrum (he said I’d be like a 2/9) but that makes sense considering how it’s probably the exact same as melee. I’m pretty fucking pumped to get into that.

Finally drug it out of Angie that she was like kinda ghosting me so that I could start hitting up girls on tinder again. There was this cross dresser dude who wanted to drive an hour and a half round trip just to give me an NSA blowjob before i went to work, and I was both perturbed and extremely flattered. Like how thirsty do you have to be to just want to go down on someone? Am I like that? Is that how girls think about me when I want to drive out to sleep with them? Crazy. But super neato. Ended up passing on it, was excited to cross trans off my bucket list but he wasn’t actually trans just liked dressing as a girl. Does that count? hm.

Anyway, dealt with a bunch of bullshit in parking fees, my laptop’s been on the fritz, that could be better, but nbd. Finances are super stable right now so that’s great. Bought new scrubs and I look great in them and they feel wonderful. Thought I’d hate this brand but feels fine. 

Been playing a fuckkkkton of hearthstone instead of melee. This new set made my deck ALMOST viable but there’s some op bullshit going around. So I’m just trying to see how high I can take it, but I think I’ve peaked. Gonna unlock this nifty card back and call it quits unless there’s a patch. Was saying I’d try to make legend by the end of the year but if that means playing the op classes then that sounds fucking gay lol. Which is ironic, I think about how i’ve said a ton of times in melee “if you didn’t think your character (/class) was the best, why would you play it?” and yknow I guess if I was trying to win that’d be a reasonable thing to think but it’s just fun. So nah. Anyway, I really wanna kick it into gear with melee soon though, so gotta take a break from it, I’ve been playing hearthstone like incessantly lol since I’m like the only person in the world trying to make this deck work I’ve been doing all the experimenting on my own.

Ok so all of this post probably could’ve been skipped if it weren’t for this shit that went down on tuesday at the melee tournament. HAD to make a post to tell this story because it blew my mind.

I show up to play dubz with weilin, and there’s this girl with downs in line in front of me. She’s telling the geeks cashier melissa, who I had just gotten in trouble for flirting with a few weeks ago, that she wanted to enter the tournament but didn’t have any money so what could she do. She was like uhhh what. no it costs money for the prize. And she’s like yeah but I don’t have money. And i just stepped in and was like it’s no problem, I’ll cover her because melee is cool as fuck and I didn’t want her to feel like she wasn’t welcome just because she didn’t have money. Lex later told me that was a good look, bc melissa must have told him, but I tried to shrug it off because I was trying to be cool and not tell anyone about it hahaah.  So me and weilin do alright, ALMOST fucking beat blackchris and sneak but i choked, and we had this crazy great set against dashtip where we had a 5 stock comeback, but then got demolished by hifiRone. Fucking sucked, I felt like we could’ve beat them but I also felt really spent. I didn’t really sleep well the night before from playing too much hearthstone. So intermittently throughout the tourney I’m chilling out back on the steps staring at the tree and the sky and thinking about how that baby blue and green are the best colors and just trying to zen out, but when I go out before my singles bracket, Nicole, the girl with downs who I paid for, is hanging around outside.

I decide to be polite and say hey and talk to her for a bit, even though I’m really out there to be as alone and quiet my mind as much as possible. I ask her how the tournaments going for her and how she’s doing and she says it’s fun and she’s great but she’s been really upset lately. I say oh no, what’s the matter. She says that her sister’s been trying to have a baby but that her other sister just had a baby so she didn’t want her to. I say well that’s a little silly wouldn’t you want both your sisters to have kids? She says yeah, but the first sister’s daughter passed away. I don’t remember the wording she used, but to me it sounded like a miscarriage of like an infant. So I go into my like neutral condolences like “so it goes, these things happen but that’s why it’s more important for your sister to have a baby too right?” Yknow, because slaughterhouse 5 is still my go to for dealing with death. She says well no, when my niece got hit by a truck it really scared me. I’m like WHAT. she got hit by a truck? She says yeah. And she looked at me like she wanted me to help but I couldn’t do anything to save her. She just looked at me in the eyes as she died. I keep having nightmares about it So I was like hooooly shit. That’s understandable. That sounds horrible.

But just like that she was off the conversation. We talk about something else for a moment and then I’m staring up at the tree again and she says “I have a boyfriend.” So I say that’s great, is he nice to ya. (I’m thinking this girl is like 16 or something, turns out she’s 25 like me). She says well no. He hits me and whenever I annoy him he punishes me. I’m like WOAHHH WHAT THE FUCK. that’s not okay. you’ve gotta tell him he can’t do that. You’re a person like anyone else and you don’t deserve that no matter what fuck that shit fucking call the cops if he treats you like that ever. EVER. I go on like this for like a While because she says like he’s a grown man who can do what he wants and I say well You’re a grown woman and so you can do what you want to so grown people can’t do that to each other it’s fucked up.

All that shit like rattles me, man. I’m like thinking about how shitty someone can have it and how fucking silly it is for me to be worried about anything. I feel like horribly depressed and for the first time think about quitting the tournament before i get knocked out. I just play it out half assed and head out to go home, but someone out front gives me a cig and some random strangers just introduce themselves and start talking to me and it makes me feel really good about life again. Like yknow it sucks that people have it so bad off, and it’s unfair that I have it so much better off than other people. But I have to remember from all the shit that’s happened that my life is fucking excellent and I’m doing really goddamn well. I love my life, it’s still fucking awesome.

But on that, I’ve gotta wrap this up and head out. I’m leaving work and seeing this beautiful chinese girl from tinder in just a few minutes. Gonna drink and chat and listen to some good indie rock. Should be excellent. And if not lol I have another date with this skinny cute uncg girl tomorrow. Fuckin killin it lmaoo.

Wish me luck, fam.