#we had a Talk today. plus the foot situation plus the rehearsal situation plus the things i need to do around the flat is just. not ideal

[streatfeild]

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[neptunetheplanet7]

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 - 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 & 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

DM ME IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE PUT ON THE TAGLIST!!

;mikasa ackerman x fem!lesbian!reader

;modern au, band au

word count: 2.1k

warnings: swearing, slight angst in the beginning but not really, fluff

i owe you guys an apology. i’m not very active on tumblr as of posting. i’m sorry about that. school has been hard on me and i’ve been very stressed. i’ll try to do better in the future :)

listen to the music masterlist

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Armin was discharged from the hospital only a day after the accident. The doctor said there was nothing extraordinary to worry about. But of course, even with this information, Eren still made a fuss. That much was clear when he walked through the door with Armin's arm slung over his shoulder.

"I didn't break my leg, Eren. I don't need to use you as a crutch," Armin grumbled as the two walked into the kitchen from the garage. He reached back to shut the door with his free hand.

Eren rolled his eyes. "Well, excuse me for supporting you in these trying times."

"I don't need your support," they scoffed. He unwrapped his arm and made his way across the room.

Eren gave him the finger, rather aggressively. The gesture wasn't reciprocated since the blond already disappeared into the hallway.

Sucking on a freeze pop, you leaned back against the cool countertop. "Welcome home, lovely. Have fun?"

Eren sighed loudly as he walked toward the freezer and got a popsicle for himself. He grabbed a pair of scissors and cut the top of the wrapper off into the trash.

He said sarcastically, "Oh, absolutely I did." He paused and shook his head disapprovingly. "He's a lot bitchier when it's us two. How's it been here?"

You shrugged. "So, so. Pretty quiet."

He nodded and pushed up the pineapple-flavored ice. "Thought so. Jean's gone today, obviously. Is Mikasa here?"

You huffed softly at the mention of her. "I haven't seen her since breakfast. She's been upstairs all day."

He frowned. "Oh, I see. Armin told me about the kiss, by the way. At first, I was gonna make fun of you for passing out but now that just seems cruel."

"You think?" You laughed lightly and rested both arms on the counter.

The sound that followed from him was more of an exhale than a laugh. "Listen, Y/n, even if she's avoiding you right now, I know she'll come around. Just wait and see."

"You're right," you mumbled, sticking the freeze pop in your mouth again. Armin basically said the same thing. Eren sent you a quick smile and patted your shoulder before leaving through the hallway.

You swallowed the remaining ice and threw away the wrapper. Noticing the bin was full, you took the trash to the bigger bin outside. Maybe doing some chores would distract you from Mikasa for a while.

Plus, today was the only day that allowed you to do so. Practices for the band's upcoming performance were every day until the date of it. You'd be rehearsing 24/7 since it was scheduled on such short notice.

It was going to be at a middle school some of your friends went to. The DJ they booked before flaked and your manager was kind enough to offer your talents.

Jean was meeting with Hannes and the school administrators to work out some extra kinks before the practices began.

The only day there wasn't a rehearsal was on Eren's birthday. You all decided it'd be best to take the day off to celebrate and set up for the party that would be happening later in the night.

The day passed easily as you got caught up on chores that weren't done over the past few days. The house was messier than you liked it although it hadn't been long at all since the previous clean-through. However, it had been a hectic week.

Speaking of hectic, when Zeke was there, he sure made himself at home. That much was clear when you made it to the living room portion of the basement.

Eren probably couldn't find time to clean up yet. Either that or he was just lazy because at that moment he was more focused on a pinball machine than the state of his living space.

His brother's suitcases were lying open by the couch. To be honest, you didn't love the idea of a criminal's possessions lying around your home. So, you decided that throwing them in a storage closet was the best option. 

When you finished tidying up, you started a game on the pinball machine next to Eren's.

His birthday was in three days. The house looked a lot better than it did when you started, which was perfect for throwing a party. You could only hope it would stay that way.

After a few hours of playing games with him, Jean came down the stairs to let you know he was back from the school. He left when he saw neither of you were interested in what he had to say.

Once it got dark outside, you left Eren to his own devices and went to your own room to chill out some more.

Unfortunately, when you flopped down on your bed, Mikasa started to consume your thoughts again. In an effort to fight them, you turned on a show to distract yourself.

For the slow hours you spent staring at the screen, you couldn't focus, not once. No matter how hard you trained your eyes on the screen, you still thought about her.

Sighing, you got out of bed and walked to your bedroom door. You were careful of the creaking hinges, it was around midnight. Everyone would either be asleep or close to sleeping.

Except for Armin. You had no idea what he did at night but you knew better than to ask. However, he was probably pretty tired from the time spent at the hospital. So, there was a solid chance he actually was asleep.

You crept outside, checking that the front door didn't make too much noise. Your car was parked in the driveway since there was never room in the garage. The gravel underneath your feet made noise as you walked toward it. You pushed yourself onto the hood and leaned back against the windshield.

Drawing in a long breath, you stared up at the sky. You needed to calm down and clear your mind. This would help, as it usually did.

Even if it was a little chilly, it was warm for a night in March, especially this late.

The stress that bubbled inside you simmered down the longer you watched the thin clouds dim the stars.

Any negative thoughts you had about the situation with Mikasa or the previous days seemed to disappear the longer your focus was on the sky.

Gravel crunched and you snapped your gaze toward the noise. Sitting up, you were surprised by what you saw.

Mikasa froze when she realized she'd been caught. She held a white blanket in her arms and still had one foot on the porch steps.

"Hi," she greeted quietly.

"Hey." Your breaths were a tad ragged from the initial scare.

She came closer to the car. "What are you doing out here so late?"

"I could ask you the same thing." You took the blanket from her arms and she pushed herself up to sit beside you.

"The door to your room was open when I came downstairs for a drink. I thought you'd be out here."

"Oh." She knew you better than you thought.

She spread the blanket over both of your laps and leaned down on the hood of the car.

She looked at the sky but your eyes were still on her. "Why did you come out here?"

After a moment of silence, her gaze finally shifted to you. "I wanted to apologize. Ignoring you was immature. Plus, I remember how you used to come out here when you were upset. Above all else, I wanted to make sure you were alright." A blush coated her cheeks when she finished talking.

You took note of that and couldn't help but blush yourself. "I'm okay. I understand why you'd ignore me, though. If you didn't want it, that was probably your only option since we have to see each other so much."

Her brows furrowed and she sat up again. "What? Y/n, did you think I didn't want to kiss you?"

You blinked stupidly. "Well, yeah."

She laughed. "You can be so ridiculous sometimes. I've always wanted to kiss you like that. I'm just not great at expressing it."

Even more heat rushed to your face. You gawked at her and she looked down at her feet. Many things were running wild in your head. For some reason, though, there was one thing that was so prominent in your mind once you remembered it.

Out of all the questions you could have asked, this one came out rather bluntly. "What did you mean in your letter? What should I know?"

Her eyes widened, she didn't expect you to ask about that yet, and quite frankly, neither did you. Nonetheless, she answered anyway. "If only you knew. That's what I wrote. That's easy to answer now. If only you knew how long I've loved you."

She turned her face and made direct eye contact with you. She seemed to know the next question on your mind. "You never knew it but I've been in love with you since high school."

That can't be right. This is a dream. You're dreaming, Y/n. What the actual fuck?

"Are you sure? Then why did you ask Jean out when we were seniors? Why did you break it off with me mere weeks before?" Your mind was racing and it translated into sentences quickly spilling from your lips.

She still looked straight at you. Her facade of confidence was making you nervous. "I'm sure. Back then, I was so afraid of what I felt for you. Pretending the feelings weren't real and projecting them onto Jean seemed like my easiest option. For years I convinced myself I loved him. But it was never him. It was always you. I felt so awful when I realized what I was doing."

And just like that, the facade fell. Her words were no longer held confidence. She was afraid of how you'd react. She had little idea that you were ready to be just as vulnerable as her.

"When did you realize?"

Looking up at the dark sky, she pushed a stray tuft of hair away from her face. She continued, sighing softly before she spoke, "When I saw him that night with Marco, I was relieved that I didn't have to be with him anymore. When I tried to figure out why that was, I could only think about you. Every feeling that scared me before came back. I got so scared that I left. But, even then, they never went away."

You were having some trouble believing that this was actually happening. Mikasa loved you back this entire time. If she hadn't kissed you before, you would've thought this was only possible in your dreams.

However, things were actually starting to make sense. That whole time it was your fault. Every night of those two years you spent wondering about what you could have done to make her stay. It turns out you did enough. You were the reason she left. 

But maybe you were the reason she came back as well. You could recall something Jean had told you a day before she came home.

"Why did you come back? You needed to do something?"

She looked back at you again. "I've just done it," she said.

Before you could process her words, she was leaning closer to you. Her lips were so close to brushing yours but she paused before they could fully touch. "Can I?" she whispered.

"You don't even have to ask."

When she kissed you, you felt everything. Her feelings, your feelings. The world was minuscule compared to you two. Anything else meant nothing at that moment.

It was the first time in a long time that you felt fully complete. You were a puzzle and she was the missing piece. It was like before, only this time, you knew for sure what you wanted.

Pulling away, you managed an, "I love you too, Mikasa." 

There were no other words that would feel so good to finally say out loud.

Everything was clear. You understood. 

Now more than ever, you wanted to be with her.

posted: 9/26/21

neptunetheplanet7© 2021

no reposts, edits, or modification to my work by anyone other than me.

[soundofseventeen]

Can I Have This Dance? Pt. 4 (Kwon Soonyoung)

Hi! I have about 3 of the requests done. Here’s part 4!! I hope yall are enjoying this!! 💛

Masterlist

“So, you think you’re ready for tomorrow?” Soonyoung asked, finishing your final lesson. You were laying on the dance studio floor, hands covering your face. 

“Am I?” You looked at him, Soonyoung just shaking his head. 

“Yeah, I think you are.” He smiled, once again ignoring his heartbeat. Every day this happened, he came up with some new excuse as to why his heart was doing that. Today his excuse was that he had just spent the last 2 hours dancing with you. 

“I’m still so nervous…” You said, putting your hands over your face again. 

“That’s just because you hadn’t danced with him yet. Once you get there tomorrow, you’ll be fine.” Soonyoung said, choosing to ignore the little pang he had when he mentioned your boyfriend. 

“You’re right. God, you’re right! I just need to calm down.” You said, sitting up but staying on the floor. “It’s kind of weird that this is our last lesson, isn’t it?” 

“Yeah, a bit. I kind of got used to seeing you.” Soonyoung said, leaning on the wall. “Seungcheol is going to miss you too.” You grinned, looking over at Soonyoung. 

“It’s been fun hanging out with you guys. I don’t know, you’re easy to spend time with. I’m going to miss that.” 

“You could always still come hang out with us. I’m sure the guys wouldn’t mind.” Soonyoung offered, you sighing. 

“I don’t know, I wouldn’t want to come off as annoying or something.” You smiled, Soonyoung tilting his head. 

“Well, we could still hang out every once in a while, if you wanted.” Soonyoung said, heart beating quicker as your face lit up at the suggestion. He didn’t even have an excuse for it that time. 

“Really?” Soonyoung nodded, you smiling at him. That damn smile. “I… I would love that.” 

“Great. Well, we can do that then.” 

“I should probably go. It’s getting late and I gotta catch the bus.” You said, standing up and grabbing your things. “Plus, it’s going to be a long day tomorrow to get ready for this party.” You took a deep breath, looking at Soonyoung. 

“Yeah, get home safe, okay?” He said, you nodding your head. 

“Oh! Before I go!” You turned around and looked back at him, startling him a little bit. “Okay, there’s this bar that is having this like, global experience thing on Thursday and Jiwoo is working some shoot that night and Daeho is going to be working on some project at work, would you want to go to that?” 

“...This Thursday?” Soonyoung asked. You immediately squished up your face. 

“Is that too soon? I’m sorry, you can totally just forget I asked and we can-” 

“No, no, I’d love to!” Soonyoung interrupted, smiling at you. “I just have to make sure my schedule is good, but that sounds fun.” You smiled at him, nodding your head. 

“Alright. I will see you Thursday then!” You said, skipping off down the hall to leave. Soonyoung shook his head, not sure how he felt about this. 

*

Soonyoung sighed, waiting in line for his tea. He was mentally preparing for a day full of rehearsals and dance practices, then tonight he had to go with Seungkwan and Seokmin to find a birthday gift for Chan’s birthday. It wasn’t too unusual of a day, but he just wasn’t looking forward to it today. He felt like he had a thundercloud over his head all morning, and he couldn’t figure out why. 

As he grabbed his tea, he turned to leave when he saw a familiar face. He checked the time on his phone, figuring he had a few minutes. He went to sit across from the person, smiling as they looked up. 

“Oh hey!” Jiwoo smiled, closing her computer. “How’s it going?” 

“Not bad. Just some pre-rehearsal tea.” He held up the cup, Jiwoo smiling. 

“Pre-shoot coffee.” 

“At least some of our rituals stayed the same.” Soonyoung chuckled, Jiwoo nodding. 

“Tell me about it.” She took a sip, looking at Soonyoung. “Thanks again for helping Y/N, by the way. She’s so excited about tonight now that she’s pretty sure she won’t make a fool of herself.” 

“Ah, it was no problem.” He said, shrugging his shoulders. “It was actually kind of fun.” 

“That’s how it sounded.” Jiwoo smiled. “She always came back from the lessons in a good mood. Maybe you’re a happy virus?” 

“Nah, I think that’s her.” Soonyoung grinned, looking around the shop, Jiwoo tilting her head a little bit. A thought crossed her head, but she decided not to voice it. 

“She’s still pretty anxious about tonight, but I think you helped her a lot.” She said, Soonyoung nodding. 

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Jiwoo nodded, taking another sip. “What… What do you have against Daeho?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, no offense but he clearly isn’t your favorite person. And this little old lady said something about hearing stories about him from Y/N and-”

“Oh, you met Mrs. Lee?” Jiwoo looked at him, Soonyoung nodding. Jiwoo pondered for a second, then let out a sigh. “Okay, no he’s not my favorite person in the world.” 

“Why though?” 

“Because… Okay, and keep this in mind that I’ve only had small interactions with the guy, but he’s just… He’s kind of a prick. He’s really stuck up and pretentious and he always acts like he’s so much better than everyone else. I don’t know, he just rubbed me the wrong way when we met and hasn’t done anything to change that.” 

“But you let your friend date him?” Soonyoung asked, Jiwoo sighing again. 

“Yeah. He’s… He’s not like that with her. Look, I still think that she deserves way better, and I don’t appreciate how they got together in the first place, but he treats her well. He doesn’t pressure her into stuff she’s uncomfortable with, and she’s happy with him. So I promised myself not to interfere unless I thought he was going to hurt her somehow.” 

“Wait, how did they get together in the first place?” Jiwoo thought for a second, then pointed a finger at him. 

“You can never tell Y/N, it would crush her, you understand?” Soonyoung was concerned, but nodded his head. “Okay, one of his friends told me that when they met, the only reason he even began flirting with her and acting interested was to piss off his parents. They had some big argument, and he thought that the best way to get back at them was to hook up with some girl who they would never approve of.” Jiwoo shook her head, Soonyoung still feeling concerned. “I guess he developed feelings or whatever, because obviously they’re still together, but Y/N doesn’t know so you can’t tell her. She was so excited that someone like him was interested in her.” 

“Oh…” Soonyoung said, taking a sip of his drink. 

“Look, Soonyoung, you don’t have to worry about her. She’s a big girl. She’s tougher than she looks.” Jiwoo said, patting Soonyoung’s hand. “Honestly, I’m just waiting for the day she realizes she’s too good for him and breaks it off.” 

“I’m not worried.” Soonyoung said, Jiwoo raising an eyebrow. 

“I know it’s been a while Soon, but yeah, you are. It’s a little obvious.” 

“Okay, I have to get to rehearsal.” Soonyoung said, Jiwoo laughing. 

“Deep breaths Soon, deep breaths.” Jiwoo said, Soonyoung waving a hand as he walked away, Jiwoo shaking her head. “Maybe…” 

*

You were just leaving the flower shop, waiting for the bus to show up. You tapped your foot on the concrete, wishing it would just get here. You still had to get home and do your hair and makeup and change, maybe you would try a new perfume tonight? Finally, the bus showed up, you getting on and finding a seat quickly. You were driving through the city, watching the buildings go by, mentally going through the steps Soonyoung taught you in your head. 

You saw your phone light up, the picture of you and Daeho showing up. Smiling, you hit answer and brought the phone to your ear. 

“Hey you!” You grinned. 

“Hey.” 

“I’m on my way to the apartment right now. Listen I was thinking of trying a new perfume tonight. Do you prefer-”

“Listen, uh, tonight’s not happening anymore.” Daeho said, your heart falling a bit. 

“Oh… What happened? Did they cancel it?” You asked, hearing Daeho sigh. 

“Not exactly, the party is still happening just… I can’t bring you.” 

“What?” You asked, starting to feel tears prick at your eyes. “Why not?” 

“My parents friends have this daughter who couldn’t get a date so they’re making me take her. It’s kind of this weird situation, so I have to do it.” 

“But… But…” You said, looking at your lap. “But I bought a dress and took… Daeho I learned how to actually dance for this…” 

“Y/N, I’m really sorry, but it’s not happening. I’ll make it up to you, I swear.” You felt a tear drop from your face, shaking your head. 

“Yeah, okay.” You muttered, wiping a tear from your face. 

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?” You hummed in response. “Thanks Y/N, I love you.” Daeho said, hanging up before you could even say it back. 

You put your phone in your lap, trying not to cry. At least not until you got home.

[bri-borg]

stars of lovingness in her hair

A/N: heeeyyyy it’s part two. This features very bad French, from me, a person who was supposed to be certified fluent in it in high school, and only used google translate to double check myself, which I do not reccomend—so I take full responsibility of the shittiness of the French dialogue. Also the poem I keep using is À une passante by Baudelaire, which I have attached here right after the translations. Also this wasn’t beta’d and was edited by me, a tired person.

Warnings: mentions of alcohol, swearing, some suggestive dialogue, metions of anxiety, general repression of feelings

read part one here :)

chapter summary: a few months have passed since you met Brian, and the two of you have become rather good friends. Halfway the focus of the story shifts more toward’s Brian’s perspective, and focuses on his feelings and how he deals with them. This jumps back and forth from the current timeline to a few months prior.

——————————————————————————————-

friday night

It had been a few months since you’d become friends with Brian. The two of you had become rather inseparable since you met, at first, spending Tuesday and Thursday nights together—you tutoring him in French, and him helping you out with algebra. You felt as though you had known each other all your lives and quickly found a friendship form between the two of you. Even after you’d finish your lessons you’d stay at his flat a little longer, with him making you tea of playing you a new song he’d written about a polar bear on his guitar or god know’s what. There was just something about Brian, you thought, that spoke to you, beyond the music and the intelligence. You enjoyed one another’s company. On more than one occasion you’d ended up dozing off, with your head resting gently on Brian’s shoulder, and his head leaning against yours while Doctor Who played on the telly—which had raised eyebrows from many people, most of all Brian’s roommate, but you were friends, you thought, nothing more.

Now, he’s sat on the floor of his flat, your knees on either side of him, his notebook facing open on his lap, illegible scribbles of verb conjugations and other grammatical rules written across the pages as he sat with his legs crossed. 

“I wish you’d keep your curls,” you say as you run a brush through Brian’s hair, trying your best to be gentle and not tug so hard, your fingers delicate as they undo any tangles and knots you found. By the coffee table lay the hair straightener, as you waited patiently for it to heat up, its thick black cord uncoiled and plugged to a nearby outlet. You’d volunteered to do Brian’s hair, before tonight’s gig—seeing as he almost burnt his flat down the last time he’d tried to straighten his hair. Brian, being Brian, had found an excuse to squeeze in an extra study session, although it took some convincing on your part.

“I don’t,” Brian laughs, “wish my hair looked good—I look like I’ve just gotten electrocuted half the time! I’m gangly, awkward and I’ve got a huge nose—the straight hair redeems me, I think—makes me look halfway decent.” 

Your heart sinks a bit as you hear him talk about himself like this. You couldn’t bear hearing him think so little of himself when you thought the world of him.

“Well, I like them,” you say, with a pout, gently kicking Brian in the thigh with your foot.

“Ow!” Brian protests with mock indignation.

“Oh, piss off that didn’t even hurt,” you chuckle, before reaching over and grabbing the hair straightener. “Now hold still, alright?” Brian nods, turning his head away from you, trying to focus on his notes. “Right, allons-y! Pouvez-vous me lire? Je veux entendrer.”

Brian shifts nervously in place. “Oh, now? I thought we were only doing grammar today. Y/N, ’m afraid I haven’t had practice in a bit, but I promise—“

“Pouvez vous, parler en Français, s’il vous plait.“ You interrupt, casing your eyebrows at him rather sternly when he turns to look at you. “And stay still,” you add, “I don’t want to burn you.”

Brian laughs at that, pointing out how it’s unfair that you spoke in English just now, before you set him on track and tell him to just get on with the reading.

“Qu'est ce que voulez-vous que je lire?” Brian asks.

“Tu peux décider. Je n’ai pas de préférence.”

Brian holds his finger up for a moment telling you to pause the damage on his hair for a bit, before reaching over to his bag and pulling out a collection of Baudelaire’s poems—and you smile to yourself knowing he probably took it out of the library when he saw you reading it. He starts, slowly reading the words at first, but relaxes as you place your hand on his shoulders and urge him to continue.

“Un éclair… puis la nuit! — Fugitive beauté 

Dont le regard m'a fait soudainement renaître,

Ne te verrai-je plus que dans l'éternité?—how was that?” Brian tries to turn his face towards yours though you keep him in place, taking a moment as you finishing straightening a strand before you speak again. 

“Très bien, Baudelaire aurait été fier!,” you praise, giving his head a gentle pat. “Although you still drop the accent egout on some places, but you’re getting there. You can speak French, you’ve just got to be a bit more confident, Bri. Maintenant, continuez s’il vous plait.”

He continues, reading out verses, with you listening intently, at first hesitant of any mistakes he might make, but relaxing as you tell him he’s doing better, helping him out only with a few words here and there. Eventually the two of you stop, choosing instead to listen and sing along to the Sgt. Pepper record while you finish straightening his hair. But that eventually spins its way to its end, and you and Brian, too preoccupied with his hair to get up and flip it over, just sit there quietly, and comfortably enjoying each other’s presence. 

—————————

Brian’s POV

As he sat there, feeling Y/N run her fingers delicately through his hair, Brian couldn’t help but sink into the warmth of her touch, feeling how relaxed he was around her—with her—near her. He listened to the static of the record, and the gentle pattern of Y/N’s breathing. Brian opened his mouth and turned his head slightly, as if to speak, before quickly turning away, choosing to say nothing, instead.

“What was that?” He heard Y/N ask him, straightening her back up off the couch and leaning her body towards him.

“Nothing,” Brian reassured her, his hand gently reaching for her knee for a brief moment. He said nothing more to her and instead let the silence take over, as the words he’d wanted to say hung in the air.

—————————

a few months prior 1969

Brian walked into class that morning, feeling, for the first time in his academic career, completely out of place. He was surrounded by younger students, all of whom he didn’t recognize from his department. And although it wasn’t anything truly serious, he felt his anxieties bubble in his stomach, at the thought of sticking out. He’d stick out as because he was older—because he was out of his department—because of how he looked, Brian thought. He didn’t like his nose, or his hair, or how skinny he was—his appearance already made him feel awkward and out of place, and now people were definitely going to notice him, an upper-year, awkwardly sat on the wooden chairs—probably struggling to keep up with the class because he was an idiot who’d put off his electives until his last year—

“Bonjour classe. Pouvez-vous vous asseoir, s'il vous plaît. Nous allons commencer sous peu.” Brian heard a tall, and rather stern looking woman say as she entered the class. “Sit down, please. We’ve ten minutes,” he heard her add when nobody moved.

Brian, along with everybody else began looking for seats, with Brian opting for a chair somewhere towards the back of the lecture hall. Brian ran his fingers across his pencil, not even noticing how he’d begun to strum a pattern of a song as he did. He looked around himself, before running his other hand over his hair, making sure that the front didn’t curl up and out. Eyes shifting towards the door he saw a girl enter the hall. She was very pretty, he thought. She craned her neck looking for a seat before situating herself a few seats down in front of Brian. Then Madame Augillard began speaking.

Their Professor seemingly refused to speak a word of English, Brian noted. To his relief he wasn’t the only person who looked lost, everyone else around him (including himself) seemed to scramble for their dictionaries, hastily flipping across the pages. Well, everyone except her, he thought. He stole a glance at her, raising her hand whenever the Professor had a question—and though Brian understood virtually none of the words they’d exchange, he could tell from Augillard’s smile that this girl was getting everything right.

Brian found the next few classes over the next few weeks easier than the first day, with the Professor noting that she only ever spoke strictly in French on the first day to discourage anyone who wouldn’t take the class seriously. Brian was still struggling, however—well, his definition of struggle that was. He got decent marks and all that, but he thought he could do better.  Not being satisfied with his grades enough, Brian opted to spend more time at the library, much to the disappointment of his bandmates, who were hoping to slip in as many rehearsals as they could. But Brian found that didn’t help either. 

Walking into the library, Brian glanced around for a seat, only to find her, sat comfortable in a corner, brows furrowed as she scribbled down notes. He found out rather quickly that he could always find her there. She was so intelligent, he thought, so focused. He studied the way her eyes read over her textbooks, the way she fidgeted with the edges of her notebooks when she was concentrated. He mentally chastised himself in class or at the library, telling himself to focus, and feeling guilty and weird at how often he’d stolen a glance at her.

One lecture, as Brian sat in Augillard’s class, he found that he wasn’t listening to the lecture, really, but to a song he’d hear whenever he saw her. His composition notebook, rather than being endless lists of verb conjugations and overly complicated grammatical rules were instead filled of scribbling pages and pages of a words, some crossed out, some riddled with question marks—a song he didn’t know the words to just yet.

—————————

friday, late night

A bead of sweat rolled down Brian’s brow as he pushed the amplifier into Roger’s van. He, Roger and Tim all thought they’d played quite well, but much to their disappointment, there were only a handful of people who attended tonight’s gig—but Y/N was there, and that seemed to make up for it. Y/N had gone home, much to her chagrin, helping a well-pissed Suzie walk the two blocks home as she draped her arm on her shoulders. When she’d found out that Roger had written a song about a girl he was seeing who was definitely not her, she had, according to Y/N, decided to get “very much, thoroughly, and without a doubt piss-drunk.” 

“This yours?” Roger asked, interrupting Brian’s train of thought. He held out a composition notebook, but before Brian could nod his head ‘yes’ and take it from his friend, Roger yanked it away, holding it above himself and refusing to give it back. “Who’s this about, though?” He asked Brian, eyebrows raised in a suggestive manner. He opens the notebook and begins to read. 

“On such a breathless night as this. Upon my brow the lightest kiss—oh very poetic, Brian.” Roger grins mischievously, his laughter erupting in bubbling fits as Brian runs circles around him, trying to grab at him. Roger continued reading, “I walked alone, and all around the air did say ‘my lady soon will stir this way—“

“Will you give me that back?” Brian demands, almost lunging towards Roger, who’d by now made his way up one of their speakers, dangling the notebook above Brian as he continued to read out of it.

“Needing - unheard, Pleading - one word—oh, Brian, you’re a next generation Shelley, you are!”

“Will you stop acting like a child, Rog!” Brian demands.Roger grabs Brian’s arm as it reaches for him, before giving him a look of feigned shock, and widening his blue eyes at his friend. “Give it back,” Brian says rather pathetically, wringing his hands away from Roger.

“Tell me who it’s about and I might—I’m curious, you never wax poetry, not even about that bird you shagged in April. Did you even shag her—“

“Oi! Get off the speaker’s those cost a fortune!” Tim yelled from down the street. Tim walked towards his bandmates, his brows furrowed, and his jaw clenched as Roger hopped off the speaker, not even looking the least bit embarrassed to be caught, but rather, smiling widely at Brian, who by now, was fuming. “Christ, I’m gone a few minutes to pay our venue, and you lot are out here doing all this.” Tim continues.

“It’s Rog’s fault!” Brian stomps, sounding almost like a petulant child when he hears the words come out of his mouth. “Sorry,” he adds quickly, feeling embarrassment creep up into his cheeks as he tried looking Tim in the eye.

“Brian’s in love—or bewitched—possibly both,” Roger says quite musically, turning to face Brian before he flutters his eyelashes at him. Tim yanks the notebook from Roger’s grasp and hands it to Brian, before exasperatedly muttering at the two to just finish packing and get in the car.

————

saturday morning

“Briaaaannnnn,” Roger drawled, as he lay on the couch, very much hungover as his legs draped over the back as he let his head fall off the seat, his blonde hair swinging with every shake of his head, “Who’s it for, Bri—“

“Stop. I’m trying to study,” Brian retorted, as he sat on the couch, never taking his eyes off his textbook to look at his friend beside him.

“Studying—it’s a fucking Saturday, Bri! Get some rest, get drunk, go out! Christ it’s not French again is it?” Roger said as he began shifting on the couch, turning to lay his head on one of the armrests, and effectively nudging Brian off the couch as he tried to stretch his legs. Roger winced at the volume of his own voice.

“Bloody hell, Roger, get your feet off the couch I’ve no room!” Brian complained, trying to push Roger’s feet back by settling himself back on the couch, struggling to be comfortable

“Why the fuck are you even taking French anyway? Could have dropped it for an easy one. Don’t even need it to be a physicist—”

“Astrophysicist,” Brian began, standing up, finally. “And this isn’t French it’s for my physics final on Monday—and I happen to like taking French. I’m not just here to get a degree, y’know—it’s the pursuit of knowledge—“

“You just like spending time with Y/N–“ Roger interrupted. Brian stared at him for a few seconds before swatting at his friend’s feet with his textbook.

“Ow! Shit! What the bloody fuck was that for?” Roger protested, though Brian barely grazed him and he tried to kick and flail his legs up to get at Brian.

Brian huffed, crossing his arms as he raised his brows at his friend. “Don’t you have a biology exam to study for?” He said, rather indignantly.

“Hah. Didn’t I tell you? I’m exempted.” Roger says with a cheeky grin, propping his feet back up on the couch. “That’s that natural brilliance I s’pose—some of us don’t need to study,” he muses, reaching over to the coffee table to get his lighter and a pack of cigarettes. Brian made his way to the kitchen, huffing as he sat himself on the small, short chairs, frowning as Roger stretched his legs up in the air as if to taunt him. After a few moments, his friend poked his head from behind the couch, his chin resting on his arms as he crossed them.

“So it’s about Y/N then, I reckon.” Roger says, a cigarette hanging between his lips as he lights it.

Brian doesn’t answer, but his face does flush, and he holds up his textbook rather impractically to cover his face.

Gotcha. Roger thinks. “So you fancy her then.” He teases, wiggling his eyebrows a bit as Brian finally looks up at him.

“We’re just friends, really, Rog—”

Roger takes a long drag out of his cigarette, “You think I don’t see the two of you sprawled out on this here couch every other night—“

“We were studying. For French—“

“Her hands running through your hair? Yeah you lot was studying French alright,” Roger rolls his eyes, “next thing you know you’ll tell me you’re reviewing Isaac bloody Newton’s three laws of gravity while she’s got her hands down your trousers jerking you off—“

“She was straightening my hair—she was being nice.” Brian interrupted, snapping his textbook shut, nostrils flaring as his mouth forming a straight, hard line and he stood up out of his chair. Roger’s smile faded and his expression began to soften.

“Brian,” Roger said with a gentler tone, before promptly putting his cigarette out and swinging his legs over to straddle the couch “I’m sorry, that was out of line. But there’s no need to lie to me, we’re mates, you can tell me anything—I won’t even make fun of you if it actually bothers you. Sorry if it did.” 

“S’alright” Brian said quietly, sitting back down again. 

“So, you must really like her then, huh?” Roger asks, his voice kinder, and eyes focused on his friend. He made his way to sit himself opposite Brian by the kitchen. Brian, doesn’t respond, his fingers lightly drumming on the edge of his textbook as he stares at the floorboards, although Roger gets his answer from the silence alone. “So why don’t you tell her then, she’s not seeing anyone, is she?”

Brian is silent before shaking his head and speaking. “We’re friends, Rog nothing more. And even if I was interested in her in that way—it’s not a chance I’d want to take, I mean, what if I make things awkward, or we never speak again. I don’t think you understand that you can just be friends with girls without doing anything, honestly, Rog.” Brian tries to shrug it off with a laugh. They were just friends, he thought. And although he might have fancied her, he truly valued their friendship, and she seemed to as well. He would regret it if he chose to be selfish and ruined that.

Roger just stares at him, his brows furrowed, and his mouth curved into a frown, seeming rather unconviced with his friend before getting up with a sigh and a pat on Brian’s shoulder. 

“If I were you, I’d take my chances,” he tells Brian, before turning on his heel and flopping himself back onto the couch, leaving Brian in the kitchen alone.

——

Later that night Brian sat on his bed, his composition notebook open to him as he tuned his guitar. Roger had left—something about bar-hopping with Farokh, which Brian had kindly declined, opting for a night in. Brian sat in his room, his fingers gently strumming over his strings, leaning in to the warm glow of his bedside lamp beside him.

This was stupid, he thought. Why was he even bothering finishing this song? 

When he first wrote it down it started out as a few words that gradually blossomed into sentences every day he’d see her pass him by at the library, the sunlight streaming in to illuminate her, small particles of dust floating around her, making her look ethereal. But now—now that he knew her, and heard her laughter, and seen her smile. Now, Brian found as though he was discovering new words to his song, and heard the melody clearer than before every day that he knew her. 

Maybe Roger was right. Maybe he should take his chances, he thinks back to their conversation earlier. But there was no point in finishing it. They were meant to be friends. They were good as friends. Nothing more. It would ruin things, anyway.

 But Brian knew he had to get the song out of his head eventually, or he might just go mad, he thought. Brian reached over, grabbing his pencil, writing out the words he heard so clearly in his mind. He read over them carefully, his voice small and gentle before he began to sing. Then he began adding music to it, strumming gently with his sixpence between his fingers.

When his song ended he let the last words disappear into the silence of his room, and he couldn’t help but feel further away from Y/N than when he didn’t know her.

TRANSLATIONS:

“allons-y! Pouvez-vous me lire? Je veux entendrer.” = Let’s go, can you read to me? I want to hear…”

“Pouvez vous, parler en Français, s’il vous plait.“ = Speak in French, if you please.

“Qu'est ce que voulez-vous que je lire?”  = “What do you want me to read?”

“Tu peux décider. Je n’ai pas de préférence.” = (informal version of ‘you’ indicating comfort, and casual tone) You can decide. I don’t have a preference.

“Très bien, Baudelaire aurait été fier!” = Very good! Baudelaire would have been proud!

Maintenant, continuez s’il vous plait.= Now, continue, please.

“Bonjour classe. Pouvez-vous vous asseoir, s'il vous plaît. Nous allons commencer dans quelques minutes” = Good morning class, please sit down. We will begin in a few minutes.

À une passante de Charles Baudelaire

La rue assourdissante autour de moi hurlait.

Longue, mince, en grand deuil, douleur majestueuse,

Une femme passa, d’une main fastueuse

Soulevant, balançant le feston et l’ourlet;

Agile et noble, avec sa jambe de statue.

Moi, je buvais, crispé comme un extravagant,

Dans son oeil, ciel livide où germe l’ouragan,

La douceur qui fascine et le plaisir qui tue.

Un éclair… puis la nuit! — Fugitive beauté

Dont le regard m’a fait soudainement renaître,

Ne te verrai-je plus que dans l’éternité?

Ailleurs, bien loin d’ici! trop tard! jamais peut-être!

Car j’ignore où tu fuis, tu ne sais où je vais,

Ô toi que j’eusse aimée, ô toi qui le savais!

TRANSLATION:

The deafening street around me roared.

Tall, slim, in deep mourning,  majestic grief,

A woman passed, lifting and swinging

With a pompous gesture the hem and flounces of her skirt,

Swift and noble, with statuesque limb.

As for me, I drank, twitching like a crazy man,

From her eye, livid sky where the hurricane is born,

The softness that fascinates and the pleasure that kills,

A lightning flash… then night! O fleeting beauty,

By whose glance I was suddenly reborn,

Shall I see you again only in eternity?

Somewhere else, way too far from here! Too late! Perhaps never!

For I do not know where you flee, you don’t know where I go,

O you whom I would have loved, O you who knew it!

[loquaciousquark]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E23 (June 19, 2018)

Welcome to tonight’s Talks Machina. Today’s preshow: the weather throughout the Dwendalian Empire. I’m sure this isn’t foreboding at all. Tonight’s guests: Matt & Emmy-award-winning Sam Riegel. Sam has a prepared bit for the opening that he just found out he was supposed to prepare. He gets out, “How many... light bulbs...” before BWF has pity and throws us to the title screen.

Tonight’s announcements: New M9 shirt in the new CR store at shop.critrole.com. The show also now has their very own dedicated Critical Role Youtube & Twitch channels--however, don’t worry, as it’ll still be broadcast in all current locations as well. After Dark will continue to be available on After Dark only. There also will not be any Talks Machina or new Critical Role episode July 3 or July 5, as they’ll be making the move to a new studio during this week. (Marisha’s stepped down at G&S to make this move to full-time CR management as well.) There’s a summary post of these announcements with a FAQ on critrole.com, if you need more information.

Before we can get to CR Stats, Sam interrupts to ask Matt why they’ve never had an NPC with a French accent. Matt, answering in an excellent French accent, explains that they’ve not come across any regional areas that are analogous to France yet. He suggests they visit the Menagerie Coast.

CR Stats! The M9 have now officially rolled 99 natural ones. Nott’s in the lead with 22. Sam only has one d20 that he rolls, and he thinks Laura’s bad luck is rubbing off on him.

The M9 have now been traveling together for about a month. Matt, deadpan: “They’re such a tight-knit family.” He does like that everyone’s getting to see the ground-floor development and occasionally has to remind himself to set the scene because he gets sucked into the roleplay.

Kiri has imitated people 82 times--Sam loves Matt’s imitations.

The D&D Beyond theme song was a greater achievement than the Emmy (per Sam): “It was a thing that I just came up with...that became the anthem for a generation.” The Emmy is a bucket list, pinnacle professional achievement, but he loves that he got to write & make the theme song. (Also: two years on one cartoon vs. fifteen minutes on a song.)

Matt has a tumultuous history with the Streamys. He directed a web series ten years ago and was invited to contribute to a big montage...only to find out right before the show that it had been cut from the program altogether.

The battle with the Merrow played out fairly close to how Matt had envisioned it, although the players’ positioning led to some interesting situations. It was more challenging in certain moments without Nott, especially when Matt was trying to decide how certain events would play out. Sam sidebars to point out how much he loves it when a battle changes halfway through (either due to traps, additional enemies, or the map changing). Matt says there are many battles they’ve had in the past where certain traps were never triggered. However, you can’t do it too often or it becomes expected. (Matt does feel bad when he’s rolling well and the PCs are rolling badly.)

Nott’s water thing Sam invented during the game (because he thought it would be funny, natch), but he’s come up with a backstory since then that explains why she’s so afraid of water.        

Matt plays out combat as designed even when a PC suddenly decides to not participate--unless it’s a new group that doesn’t fully understand D&D combat yet, and it would impact their enjoyment of the game. He wants people to understand that there are consequences with character choices. 

Sam often finds it bothersome when they know they’ve missed something in game, especially when it’s an important story beat. It’s the worst when Matt gives them multiple chances to succeed, and they still end up failing all of them. Matt confesses sometimes he makes them roll checks on general knowledge they’d have known anyway just to make them feel a certain esoteric skill was useful for once. 

Nott feels terrible she sat out the Merrow fight only for Caleb to come close to death. Sam: “Nott feels awful about it. Sam Riegel feels great about it! I love situations where it doesn’t look like it’s going well.” Plus, the night before she also got Caleb in trouble with the bowl thing. BWF’s a little worried it’ll affect their relationship.

Matt claims that Kiri was not at all related to wanting to prove he could do Jester’s accent. He rolls for random encounters when they’re traveling, and Kiri was one he’d considered to demonstrate the presence of kenku, while also highlighting that non-Empire people are moving away from the conflict. He half-expected them to ignore her altogether. 

Matt reveals that Kiri has six (6) (SIX) hit points. “She’s practically a baby bird!” Sam has a retroactive panic attack that they’ve been bringing her to all these battles. Me too, bud. Sam accuses Matt of “not having brought anyone worthy of taking a baby bird off our hands.” Matt: “You haven’t even looked!” They wonder together about the possibility of a baby bird orphanage in Hupperdook.

GIF of the Week! @justjamesearle. It’s long and perfect and details the Fjord whack-a-mole death saga with the venom splashes. 

Nott’s opinion of Kiri hasn’t changed at all with the reveal that she heard/repeated her conversation with Caleb. Sam thinks Nott should have known better than to talk with a recording device in the room, especially since she only ever repeats it when it’s hilarious or well-timed. “It’s hard to live with a soundboard.”

Matt keeps a list of notes of what Kiri can say. It’s super fun, and he sometimes gets so caught up in conversations he forgets to write down things for her to repeat later.

Nott wished Kiri hadn’t repeated the facts from her backstory, but she’d never considered being aggressive towards “little RiRi” (oh God it’s too adorable). She still doesn’t like a lot of attention. Both BWF & Sam applaud Matt for giving them little prods to reveal backstory.

Dagon, Matt & Marisha’s bird, provides a lot of inspiration for Kiri. Matt talks about being a bird owner after growing up with cats and dogs, and reveals that wanting to utilize that knowledge was part of why he introduced kenku.

Nott finds Beau the exception to her general mistrust of the group, which is why she let her care for Caleb after the last fight. She feels Beau has been weirdly sensitive and protective even through her lens of abrasiveness, and she respects that she hasn’t spilled the beans about Caleb’s backstory.

Fanart of the Week! @obeymybrain, which is a great group portrait in four vertical-column stylings after the Haunted Mansion from Disneyland.

If the troll hadn’t been slowed by Caleb, Matt thinks the group would have permanently lost someone. Matt loves the new monsters that are punishing to melee characters. He thinks they did a good job damaging it at range at first, and Sam waxes poetic on all the options they didn’t pursue instead (like Saran-wrapping the door before it came running out). Oh, what could have been.

Sam’s love for Liam is stronger than Nott’s love for Caleb, because “...Liam kisses back.” They’ve known each other half their lives now.

If the M9 pursue dynamite as a common battle tactic, Matt may need to prepare for his builds to be destroyed more often. It’s still limited by the relatively new availability of blackpowder and has a high possibility of backfiring depending on their rolls.

Nott wishes she could tell everything to Caleb, but is limited by the realities of their show, since it’s hard to find a time that’s not full of dick or drug jokes. There’s been times they’ve been alone together but Caleb hasn’t asked any questions; Sam thinks “He needs to do some Marisha-style questioning. That is an inquisitive monk, and I love her for it.” Matt points out it’s a critical aspect of her character that she wants to know everything.

Matt played out the last Fjord moment in front of the whole group in part because it would have interrupted the flow to have everyone leave, and in part because he trusts his players not to metagame now that they’re all learning bits and pieces of each other. He liked the visceral smash-cut of the vision to the party watching Fjord jam this thing into his stomach.

Matt does have to juggle all the party’s backstories since it’s such a large group; some will be long-game just because of the natures of their stories. He likes to drop threads as they go, though, so everyone feels more connected to their world. Players feel like the stakes are higher when they can see their stories reflected and affecting the living and breathing world around them.

Nott wasn’t particularly bothered by Molly immediately forgiving the bandits right after they hurt her. “They’re just dumb. They’re just dumb and they need to go. They’re too dumb to hurt.”

Matt knew the outline of Hupperdook before the party ever heard of it. Now that they’ve expressed interest in it, he’s begun filling in the details since it looks likely that they’ll visit it soon. It helps that they’re limited to speed of foot & horse; when they can start bamfing everywhere in later game, it gets a lot harder. Matt’s advice in that situation is to give the town a unique social structure or aspect, to make a bold choice that will cause it to stand out in their mind. It helps if you can ask what the players are looking for, then “yes and” based on what they’re seeking (he builds an idea of two competing taverns poaching clients from each other off a spur-of-the-moment request from a player asking if there’s an inn nearby).

Sam does rehearse his more performative ads ahead of time. He usually writes them the day of over lunch, although lately he’s been trying to get them done on Mondays and Tuesdays so he’s not as stressed on Thursday.

There’s no specific inspirational character for the Gentleman. Matt wanted to create an outside-the-law businessman who wasn’t your typical ~thief-lord~ while still seeming unique against the world. He wanted him to be charismatic and domineering, welcoming until you crossed a personal or business line, in which case he’d immediately put you in your place. 

Nott still considers her old goblin tribe a threat to her & is reluctant to confront them. She does feel a little more prepared now that she has more allies, but is hesitant to meet old demons & old memories. Matt sidebars to point out that a lot of these character backstories could be self-driven, since there’s nothing keeping them from visiting Nott’s hometown now. They could pursue it at any time if they wanted.

The firearms in the world are a direct result from Percy & Ripley; she dealt them out in heavy trade areas like Marquet, which results in the technology being distributed in a way that now impacts the M9 in their world. They’re still limited by materials, though.

Matt loves the joy on Tal’s face every time they mention firearms are readily available in Wildemount.

Everyone’s distraught over Tal’s Vicious Mockery in the last episode. Bless his heart. Matt: “Sometimes you come out of the gate and realize you’ve come out without your pants on. You commit, and you walk away.”

Sam misses giving inspiration on a regular basis. He also has a lot of insecurities over his current inability to contribute to a battle with much more than crossbow bolts. BWF: “Just sent Nott to a bard college.” Matt: With a -3 charisma, I think you’re taking inspiration away from people.”

Favorite M9 voice to mimic as Kiri? Partially Jester, because it’s just funny, Nott is shrill and ridiculous, and has lately been enjoying mimicking Fjord for the few times he’s been echoed.

The Nott voice is not hard at all on Sam; it’s mostly falsetto, which BWF says he usually talks in off-camera all the time anyway.

After Dark: After This

In CriticalRoleLand, Dani would like to see Vex’s Flying Brooms. BWF suggests a waterslide that ends in Vex’s & Percy’s bathtub; Matt suggests it be a goldfish ride that goes over the side. He also likes a teleporting ride that goes into Umbrasyl’s belly, and Sam comes up with a dunk tank for heckling Tary.

Matt talks about that viral Youtube video with the weather forecaster naming the city that’s like 100 characters long. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, that’s the one.

Nott’s Tinder profile? “Short, green, looking for mean. Buy me a drink and I’m yours.”

Matt wouldn’t be surprised if this campaign does eventually touch on family in the same way the first one did. However, Sam feels so far it’s much more about identity, and Matt tacks on regret & making amends. He also thinks trust & learning to accept help from others is still developing, since so many of these characters have been hurt in some way.

VM had a lot of very classical heroic archetypes; this campaign is full of many more human, subtly complicated characters. Matt loves the contrast.

The eyes. The EYES.

Sam agonizes that in his Friday retellings of the campaign’s story to his six-year-old son, it drives him crazy that he can’t answer his son’s questions as to why something happened. His son does ask “does Matt Mercer know?” and Sam is glad he can say yes.

Sam loves the idea of the world hinging on the bandit troupe they keep running into. I debated troop or troupe there, but given the hysterics they keep causing, I’m sticking with troupe.

If they met, Nott would steal every single thing from Taryon Darrington. Except that lame book, of course. “That’d be amazing. And! Possible! We’re on the continent, right?” Sam rubs his hands together gleefully...until Matt points out Taryon’s been relegated to NPC status & Matt would be the one controlling him now.

Matt usually prepares a guest for the show by meeting with them ahead of time. Depending on how much (or if ever) they’ve played before, he helps them build a character and teaches them the basics of the class. Mark, obviously, didn’t need that introduction, so instead they focused on loose backstory and finding ways to integrate that backstory into the existing world. When it’s time for them to actually play, they’ll discuss in advance a way to bring their paths across each other, such as Cali looking for a specific relic at the same time that the M9 were going to be investigating a safehouse full of stolen relics. As soon as they meet, it’s hands off. (It can be hard to get someone out of the group if they for sure can’t return the next week.)

MAJOR, MAJOR, MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE END OF CAMPAIGN ONE IN THE SECTION BELOW.

BWF jokes that last campaign Joe Manganiello just showed up and said, “Hey, so, I’m playing Arkhan,” and that was that. Actually...that’s pretty close to what really happened. Matt & Joe did meet for a long evening in Joe’s kitchen in advance to discuss backstory & motivations, after which he finally managed to convince Joe’s wife, Sofía Vergara, to play a small game with him, Joe, and Marisha. Sam laughs that at Matt & Marisha’s wedding, they had two sentences with Joe before the conversation immediately devolved into D&D and Joe’s wife rolled her eyes out of her head.

They did discuss that Joe wanted to steal the hand at the end of the last campaign. “You don’t have the Hand of Vecna, the Hand of Vecna has you.” They had a long conversation about Arkhan’s denouement after that episode.

END OF MAJOR, MAJOR SPOILERS.

And that’s all for the night! Have a lovely week, and is it Thursday yet?

[your-rose-highness]

Cherry Blossoms (ch.11)

Chapter 11

Baekhyun and I had avoided every chance of meeting after that day. One day as I was about to enter the vocal training room I heard voices, and the thing that caught my attention was my name being mentioned.

“… that’s after Y/N. Kyungsoo, he’s hardly ever getting out of his room. He doesn’t go out, he mechanically eats and immediately leaves, has declined every occasion that called for an outing. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried everything.”, The voice talking was exceptionally deep, so I knew it was Chanyeol.

“What about?… You know?” Kyungsoo asked after a very long pause.

“Nope. Nothing. Not even once. Which is why it’s making this even more strange! He’s not like this. These situations have never affected him before.”

I contemplated a lot before entering. After taking in a deep breath, I knocked and entered.

“Hello Kyungsoo sunbae, Chanyeol sunbae.” I greeted, pushing open the door.

My sudden appearance astounded them, both blankly staring at me for a second.

“Oh hi!” Said Chanyeol after gauging my presence in the room.

“Y/N, today I can’t train you, I’ve some other arrangements. But someone will come. Why don’t you sit and practice. You can use the recording room.” Kyungsoo said after standing up to leave. Chanyeol gathered some papers and left after a couple of minutes too. Having the room to myself, millions of thoughts ran through my head. It’d been so long since I had seen Baekhyun. It was hard. I had grown attached to him. At one point, I reconsidered dating him just to be with him for a while, whether it hurt me or no in the end.

The door suddenly creaked, grabbing my attention and disrupting my trail of thought. I stood up when I saw Baekhyun opening the door. We met eyes for a second before he closed the door again without entering. Sudden adrenaline rush in my body made me act, I rushed to the door and opened it again to find him walking back slowly.

“Baekhyun sunbae!” I called out.

He stopped in his tracks and slowly turned to face me.

“Sorry I didn’t know you were inside.”, He replied.

“Why did you leave? It’s not my room.”

“Um. Yeah. Err okay. Let’s go.”

We went inside the room and sat on the two furthest chairs. He didn’t look at me at all. Deciding to break the tension, I spoke first.

“So how’s the project you were working on, going?”

“Good. We’ve made some progress.”

“ Sunbae..”

“Listen, Y/N, you needn’t worry about me. Like you said, I’m a guy who has women around them at all times. I won’t deny it. I’m like that. And honestly, now that you have mentioned it, you’re right. I can’t be sure that I can love you the way you’d want me to. I might change my mind. I always have in the end. I can’t destroy you knowing that you might be hurt beyond repair. So, this is good. I’m okay with it. I hope you find someone better. Someone who can keep you happy. I can’t.”

My mind blocked out everything else as I heard him. Somehow I knew things were bad between us, but I guess I always wanted something to mend it. I hoped someday it would be okay. Or maybe like the guys in a drama, he’d still want me. This was beyond my expectation. I couldn’t feel anything, but my heart was beating too fast as though my mind wanted me to run away from this mortal danger of the situation I found myself in. He didn’t look at me as he spoke and without giving a glance, he got up to leave.

I felt too dizzy. Why did these things always happen with me? I felt too ill to sit there. I wanted to sleep. After reaching the dorm, I texted Hye Jin about my whereabouts and got into bed. I fell asleep soon.

“Here, eat this.”

“Thanks. Is she okay now?”

“Seems so. At least she’s not burning.”

I could hear voices when I opened my eyes.

“Y/N! You’re up!” exclaimed Hye Jin.

“Y/N, are you okay?” I found yonghwa at the foot of the bed.

“Yes, I am. What happened to me?”

“You had a fever. When I got home I wanted to wake you up to eat but you were so hot. I panicked. So I called Yong.” , explained Hye Jin.

“Y/N, if you weren’t well, you should have gone to the infirmary.”

“I was okay when I got here. Just tired.”, I justified.

Baekhyun’s words kept creeping up on me now and then after that day. He seemed so sure that he couldn’t be with me the way I wanted him, that it would break me into tears out of the blue. Usually, these episodes would happen in front of yonghwa and he’d be flabbergasted. He never tried to enquire about it though. He’d just give me tissues and at times pat my back. I’m sure he knew why I behaved the way I did.

All throughout vocal lessons, Baekhyun would completely avoid me, sitting with the others. Ji ah would occasionally try to drag him around though. He didn’t seem too interested. Was it because he found someone else already?

“You, Baekhyun, you can do it with Y/N.”, Kyungsoo said, after a successful practice session one evening, assigning duets for the upcoming college fest.

Both our heads snapped in Kyungsoo’s direction, who on the other hand, didn’t seem to find it strange.

“Kyungsoo, I’m sure she’d want to do it with you.”, Baekhyun spoke up.

“Y/N, do you have a problem with singing with Baekhyun? I don’t think you should.”, Kyungsoo asked nodding in my direction.

“Err… no…” I stuttered.

“It’s done then.” Said Kyungsoo, closing his book, “ partners can find time on their own to practice. For the next two weeks prior to the fest, the music room will be open till late.”

I looked at Baekhyun and found him looking at me with a blank expression. It was so evident he didn’t want to do the performance with me. Maybe if I spoke to Chanyeol sunbae…

“It’s okay y/n, woman up. It’s not even your fault what are you so worried about? Just practice and come back. Go!” ,Hye Jin said as she tried to insert some courage into my cowardly veins.

I geared up and entered the room at the time he had asked for us to meet ( he didn’t even text me, he asked Jongdae to send the message to Hye Jin to let me know.). He was already there, on his piano. Practicing a piece that sounded so blissful that I stood at the door for too long. I knocked before I entered and closed the door behind me.

“Hey.. sit.” He said.

Earlier, ‘sit’ would always be on the bench beside him. Now? 'sit’ seemed to be on a chair far away.

“Um.. Kyungsoo already chose a song for us.. I think you know it.. it’s called 'Like I’m gonna lose you’ by Meghan Trainor and John legend.”

“ Yeah I do know. It’s a beautiful song.”

“The first verse is you.. wanna give it a try first?”

His fingers glided over the keys playing the intro, looking up to meet my eyes.

I found myself dreaming, silver and gold, a scene from the movie, that every broken heart knows. We’re walking in the moonlight,you pull me close. Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone.. Woke up in tears with you by my side….

So I’m gonna love you… like I’m gonna lose you…

And he continued,

So I’ll kiss you longer baby Any chance that I get I’ll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets…

“It sounds good.” I said when he stopped.

“Yeah. We do sound good together.” He smiled at me, our eyes were on each other a little too long, when i looked away.

“Sunbae, can you fix my vibrato? There are quite a few of them..”

The rest of the day passed with us singing. We almost forgot about the whole awkwardness. He was being his playful self and teased me every time I made a mistake.

“Dinner?” , He asked, as he locked up the room, “I mean only if you want to… you know.. eat with me.”

“I’m starving.” I said, smiling widely at him.

“Well, for my little famished friend, I have the perfect place in mind.”

He took me to a cute little restaurant that was too cozy and inviting to refuse walking into. The whole shack was filled with delicious smells. This time, he ordered a noodle dish. I thought the awkwardness had left us, but here we were, sitting across each other with having very little to say. Both a little too glad when the food arrived. We spoke a little about the food but mostly ate in silence.

“It’s getting chilly…”, I said as we walked back to my dorm.

“This is chilly for you? It’s going to get way worse for you then.”

“It’s really warm where I come from.”

“Then you better stock up on warm clothes. Winter here is a little bitch at times.”

“I will keep that in mind. Thanks.”, I laughed.

After we reached the dorm, I said , “ thank you sunbae.”

“It’s okay coffee.. I mean.. y/n. Wow, that name really stuck with me. Haha.”

Looking at him, too many memories flooded my brain. His gaze wouldn’t let me move. We almost leaned in towards each other when his phone rang a little too loudly in the silent night. Both of us were flustered at the sound.

“I should go.”, He said.

“Yeah, it’s late.”

The two weeks leading to the performance drew closer and inversely proportional to it, was my anxiety. I had never performed in front of a handful of people let alone the entire University. I had fleeting moments when I would want to give up altogether, but Baekhyun would convince me that it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought it would be.

“What if no sound comes out of me?”, I nervously asked.

“What the.. why won’t it? Well, you know what, I’ll cover for you. Relax!”

“You’re lying. What if I go out of tune?”

“I’ll harmonize.”, He said shrugging his shoulders.

He put his hands on my shoulders and said, “listen, I’ll be right beside you. I’ll help you. Plus we’ve rehearsed enough y/n. You’re good!”

I looked up at him.

“You trust me?” he asked.

I nodded timidly.

“You’ll be fine.”, he beamed.

Half hour for the music club’s performances. Please queue up. The organizers informed. I felt like my heart was in my mouth. Where was Baekhyun anyway? Did he leave me alone? What if Kyungsoo asked me to perform by myself? If that happens, I’m going to run…..

“Hey.” , I felt a tap on my back. As I turned around and there he was. He looked like a prince. It was so different than what I saw everyday.  He was dressed in a black and white checked suit complete with a  bowtie. I always thought that his ultra cute looks would have women swooning all over him without him even trying, but this was just… indescribable.

“I assume I look good?” He smirked. “You look too much of a princess yourself as well, may I add.”

“I thought you went AWOL.”

“I’d never do that. You know that.”

“Y/N!” , I found Yong Hwa approaching us. “Wow. You look beautiful.”

Hye Jin had dressed me in a pretty dress that she owned. It was black lace and came up to my knees.

“Thanks Yong. You look nice too! Formal suits you!”

“Haha. Thanks. Excited?”

“Excited? More like nervous.”

“You’ll do well. I know it. Anyways, I gotta go now. Bye. Good luck!”, He said kissing my cheek. I felt Baekhyun stiffen by me as Yong left.

“I didn’t know anyone could kiss you.”, He whispered with a straight face.

“Yong is my best friend.”

“Even has a nickname.”

Before I could answer, Jongdae lined us up for the performance. We were supposed to start first. When it was time to step onto the stage, I felt my heartbeat quicken and my body stiffen and chill. When Baekhyun didn’t find me behind him, he quickly jogged towards me.

“Y/N, c'mon. We start soon.”, he quickly muttered.

“Sunbae, I can’t. I’m.. I feel sick….”

“Hey. Look at me.. you’ll be fine. Just come out..” he pulled my arm.

“No. No. Sunbae. You don’t get it! I can't….. sing. I’m sorry. I can’t.”, tears brimming in my eyes as I stammered.

“Coffee. Look at me.”, taking my cheeks between his hands, he levelled our eyes, “I’m here. C'mon. Just look at me. Calm down first. Breathe.”

I blocked out the noise, the heat and the people. The warmth of his hands was spreading throughout.

“Hold my hand.” He stretched out his hand and held mine, “You’ll be fine. Just look at me.”

He guided me out onto the stage. The crowd was screaming. I clutched his hand tighter and felt the fear creeping up again. He pulled me close again, “Coffee, hey, listen. It’s just another practice. Nail it.”, he whispered.

He signalled Hye Jin who was on the piano, and Chanyeol on the guitar. The music started and I felt like my voice wouldn’t come out. And as I feared, I missed the cue. Hye Jin and Chanyeol, confused, stopped playing. The crowd was already booing at us.

“Coffee!”, Baekhyun pulled my arm, “don’t look at them. Eyes on me, okay?

He signalled Chanyeol to begin again. The music rang in the arena once again, my eyes fixed on Baekhyun, my palm tightly clutching his, he nodded at me to start and I took a deep breath to begin.

“I found myself dreaming In silver and gold Like a scene from a movie That every broken heart knows…..”

I was singing. My voice booming in the loud space. Baekhyun still had his gaze fixed on me and nodded along with the music. As I approached the ending of the first verse, I felt his thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of my palm. He was beaming at me when he started his own verse. The knot in my stomach loosened as we neared the ending. The crowd cheered and clapped when we finished. As we left the stage, I felt immensely grateful to him. We were still holding hands. It was just an instantaneous action when I turned around to hug him backstage. He hugged me back, and patted my head.

“Wow, you really were nervous, I can feel your heart beating crazy.” he grinned.

“Thank you, sunbae.”

He didn’t say anything, but I felt him smile. We broke away, when Hye Jin ran towards us.

“It’s okay! You sounded so amazing, like, you have no idea!!! Dude, it was, wow! And sunbae, OMG! I knew you’re a lead singer of the group, but, damn.” Hye Jin rambled in one breath.

“Thanks Hye Jin. Brilliantly played by the way, I did notice that you made one tiny mistake, but I like how you made certain improvisations adding in your style.”, Baekhyun complimented.

After the whole program, we were told that there’s a party organised by the student council celebrating a successful fest.

The whole space was decorated with extravagant lights and colours. A DJ rocking up the music with popular beats with unfamiliar music. To my surprise, it was Chanyeol, grooving with the spunky beats. What couldn’t the man do?

“Y/N! C'mon let’s dance.” Hye Jin pulled me onto the dance floor. We giggled and did the worst moves in the history of mankind. Soon we were exhausted.

“Water?”, I screamed at Hye Jin through the loud atmosphere.

“Yeah!!!” She nodded.

Pushing my way through the crowd, I found a couple of my classmates. As I spoke to them, my eyes rested on a white checkered suit, surrounded by girls, all of them laughing. Baekhyun seemed to enjoy himself. He was right, he can’t just be with me. It’s too out of his demeanor. He saw me glaring at him from across the room and his smile immediately disappeared. Feeling a little too brave, I grabbed a bottle of alcohol that my friend was holding and drank it (Thankfully there wasn’t much in it). I tried to find Hye Jin to continue dancing and enjoy the night without thinking about Baekhyun. I bumped  into Jongin,Sehun and couple of their friends instead, who were also part of the music club, but I scarcely saw them.

“Oh Y/N right? You were good back there!”, Jongin said animatedly. Clearly he was tipsy.

“I don’t think we’ve met?” Sehun extended his hand towards me.

“Ah. No. We haven’t.” The alcohol was burning in my throat. Was it supposed to feel this way?

“You’re beautiful Y/N.”

“Thank you Sehun! You’re really handsome, a little too much for me to handle.”, I laughed.

What the hell was I doing? I knew I shouldn’t be saying this, but I couldn’t control my mouth.

“Haha. Really? I’m honoured. Say y/n, would you like to get out of here? It’s too noisy, don’t you think?” He gestured.

“It’s really noisy! But I’m here with my roommate!” I said, looking around to find her.

Sehun grabbed my hand, “it’s okay, she won’t need you.”

A danger signal was going off in my head, but why the hell was I smiling?!

The next moment, I felt someone’s arm around my waist.

“Y/N, babe, where were you? Had me looking all over the place.” Baekhyun said, placing a kiss on my head.

“Ah, hyung.”, Sehun sighed, letting go of my hand. “I didn’t know she was yours.”

Baekhyun just smiled at him.

“I’m not…”, I protested.

“Let’s go, babe. I wanted you to meet someone.”, Baekhyun dragged me before I could finish my sentence.

“Let go, sunbae! I was talking to him!” I pulled my arm.

“Coffee what the hell? Did you drink? Do you know him? How careless can you get?” he snapped.

“Why? Why do you care? You can go around flirting with women, but I can’t even talk to one?” I fumed.

“Is this what that was about? You were trying to get back at me? I was just talking to them. I wasn’t getting their numbers or something.”

“Well, I was trying to get his. So let me go.”

“Y/N!” , He roared. “Don’t! Don’t do this! I can’t bare to see it.”

I suddenly felt tired and tears began brimming in my eyes.

“Sunbae. What do you want from me? You won’t stay with me. You won’t let me do anything. When I try to forget you, you interfere, making it worse.”

“I want you. I only said that because I thought that’s what you wanted. I want you to be with me.” he mumbled.

“I can’t trust you.”

“Fine. You tell me how I can win it back. I’ll do it all.”

“Really?”

“Coffee I’ve never wanted to be with someone twice. But I can’t seem to let you go. I can’t watch you be with someone else. Feeling jealous over a girl because she’s close to other guys? That’d be a first for me. It pisses me off when I see Yong Hwa touching you. Or you being too close with Chanyeol. It makes me mad. I need you.”

“Will you do everything I say?”, I sniffed.

“Everything. You name it. It’s done.”

“Don’t flirt with other girls.”

“Do I look crazy to you? I’ll never even look at them. What else?”

“Don’t hang out with other girls alone.” , I said after pondering a lot.

“I won’t.”

“Don’t leave me.”

“Coffee.”, He held my face between his palms again. “I promise, to never hurt you again. You have no idea what I feel for you.”

I melted at his touch. Burying my head in his chest, I hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me and we stood like that for a minute, taking in each other’s presence for real.

It felt too good to be true. He was surreal. And so was this moment.

Back at the party. Baekhyun went on stage. “ For the one in my heart.” , he smiled at me once and sang.

“Beautiful girls all over the world I could be chasing but my time would be wasted They got nothin’ on you baby Nothin’ on you baby They might say hi and I might say hey But you shouldn’t worry about what they say 'Cause they got nothin’ on you baby Nothin’ on you baby…”

[citizenscreen]

There are two notable anniversaries connected to Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz this week: The couple was married on November 30, 1940 and Desi Arnaz died on December 2, 1986. To honor them Love Letters to Old Hollywood is hosting The Lucy & Desi Blogathon in which I am taking part with this entry.

  There are approximately 180 episodes of I Love Lucy to choose from, plus three feature films, some books and many documentaries all spotlighting the lives and careers of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz. To say that deciding on what to focus on for this entry was no easy task is a huge understatement. In the end, however, I went with “Lucy Wins a Racehorse,” the fourth episode of season one of The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour, which followed the couple’s success with I Love Lucy. 

  The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour had a couple of really long titles, which included the show’s sponsors, but it is most often referred to by Comedy Hour or as The Lucille Ball Desi Arnaz Show. The hour-long specials totaled thirteen and aired from 1957 to 1960 as part of the Westinghouse-Desilu Playhouse. The series had the same writers as I Love Lucy, but it never quite reached the level of quality of the previous show. We love these people though – Lucy, Ricky, Fred, Ethel and Little Ricky – and there are quite a few gems in the bunch of thirteen. Well, my chosen episode today, “Lucy Wins a Racehorse” is not one of those gems. Still, it holds a special place in my heart thanks to one of its guest stars.

Publicity photo for “Lucy Wins a Racehorse” featuring Lucy with Tony (horse) and guest stars Harry James and Betty Grable.

“Lucy Wins a Racehorse” is one of ten episodes of The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour directed by Jerry Thorpe. This episode was first broadcast on February 3, 1958 and it is the fourth of five episodes of the show’s first season. As you know, by this time the Ricardos and the Mertzes are living out in the country, which allows for fresh story lines outside of the confines of their cramped, New York City apartment building. As its predecessor, The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour stars Lucille Ball, Desi Arnaz and Richard Keith as Lucy and Ricky Ricardo and their son, Little Ricky and William Frawley and Vivian Vance as Fred and Ethel Mertz. Our episode begins with Little Ricky asking his father for a racehorse, which his mother is determined to get for him. After all, what’s the point of living in the country if a boy can’t have a horse? Well, as expected Ricky says “absolutely not” to the horse idea. And also as expected Lucy ignores him. She pesters him about the animal, but also has a back-up plan in the works. It turns out there’s a contest to win a horse sponsored by a cereal company and Lucy joins it by sending in a box top. Or, actually, she sends in dozens of them, one for each of her family and friends. And wouldn’t you know it, it’s the Fred Mertz entry that wins the horse.

At first Fred is keen on selling the animal. You know what a stingy old man he is, but when Little Ricky tells him how excited he is Fred gives in and Ricky has his horse. The problem is that big Ricky has no idea that there is now a horse in his house.

Whirling Jet, Lucy and Ethel in the Ricardo’s parlor

Enter Betty Grable and Harry James who are in town to perform at Ricky’s nightclub. As in real life, the Jameses love horses and horse racing. By the way, someone in that world must know it because when I was looking for details I found that there is actually a Betty Grable Stakes. Anyway, Ricky is against getting a horse to begin with, but more so after he talks to blabbermouth Harry James who tells Ricky that the reason he and Betty are doing club dates is to pay for the upkeep of their horses. Imagine Ricky’s shock when he gets home and sees Lucy and Ethel trying to escort Whirling Jet (played by Tony the horse) upstairs to the Ricardo’s guest room.

Ricky can’t believe his eyes

Ricky puts his foot down and a brokenhearted Lucy is forced to say goodbye to Whirling Jet who’s completely in love with her. The horse follows her around and makes googly eyes whenever she’s near. What can she do? Ricky is adamant about not going to the poor house as the result of a horse. But then, Betty Grable comes up with the perfect scheme. As Lucy mentions in the show, Grable is an Ethel Mertz with money. Betty’s idea is to enter Whirling jet in a harness race and if he wins the purse money would be enough to pay for his upkeep for the rest of his life. The problem is that it costs about $300 to enter the race and for that Grable turns to Fred Mertz who, to everyone’s shock, agrees to put up the money. Fred is so completely taken with superstar Grable and her famous gams that he forgets he’s a cheap skate and eagerly signs over the money to Betty. It’s a funny scene as Lucy almost faints from the shock.

Fred is completely taken with Betty Grable

Fast forward to the day of the race. Ricky is still unaware that his wife is intent on keeping Whirling Jet. And he’s definitely out of the loop when it comes to race time when Lucy has to take over the reigns because Whirling Jet won’t run for anybody else. Not even his jockey, George (played by veteran actor Norman Leavitt who appears in three episodes of The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour as well as every other classic program known to man). Anyway, familiar Lucy antics ensue with Ricky, Little Ricky, the Mertzes and the Jameses looking on. And she makes me laugh. I can’t help it. You’ll have to watch to see if the Ricardos get to keep Whirling Jet.

  Most, if not all, episodes of The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour feature famous guests as themselves. Harry James and Betty Grable were just the featured guests this week, and again, not in a stellar episode. But there are moments of greatness here like the recognizable comedic situations which end up with Lucy doing something crazy. In this case it’s racing a horse backwards and without wheels. Hey, that sort of sounds like what Ginger Rogers did, doesn’t it? Fred and Ethel play their roles in familiar fashion as does Desi Arnaz as the exasperated Ricky who yells and yells for naught. But as each week’s special guests bring something of themselves to the table, so do James and Grable who perform in a production number with Desi reminiscent of each of their movie careers. “The Bayamo,” written by Arthur Hamilton doesn’t have the pep of other familiar latin-tinged classics I love. In all fairness the routine is supposed to be a rehearsal that takes place in the Ricardo living room so I don’t judge too harshly. Seeing Grable doing an old song and dance routine as she did dozens of times in her movies is good enough for me. James ends the performance with a trumpet solo. Lucy doesn’t try to get in the show anymore as she did in I Love Lucy. Now she has more country-style habits, such as trying to earn upkeep for a horse.

The Arnazes were popular in the Hollywood community as a couple and had close friends throughout the industry. Most of the famous actors who appeared on The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour were friends and Betty Grable was no exception. Betty’s connection to Lucy and Desi went back decades. She and Desi dated in New York when he was a popular nightclub performer and she an aspiring actor. Arnaz mentioned it in passing in his autobiography. And like Lucy and other future major stars, Betty was one of the 20 original The Goldwyn Girls. The two worked together for years and remained friends throughout their lives.

Lucy and Betty 1930s

Desi and Betty in the early days

At Walter Winchell’s birthday party in 1953

Casual gossip between friends

In FOLLOW THE FLEET – Lucy, Harriet (Nelson) and Betty

I don’t know much about Harry James other than his music, what I’ve seen of him in movies and what I know of his marriage to Betty Grable, which was troubled in a similar fashion as was the Arnaz marriage by the time The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour was on the air. Perhaps what makes these episodes lesser than those of I Love Lucy was the strain on the marriage. That and the fact that every conceivable harebrained situation that Lucy could get herself into had already been done and done to perfection. Still, it’s a terrific treat to revisit these episodes and the friends we grew up watching. The familiarity of the characters, the expected is as much fun as are the surprises and by this time they still had a few up their sleeves. Lesser offerings from Lucy and Desi are still heads above most other forms of entertainment.

I find Lucy and Desi together cause to smile, but also cause for a little sadness. They gave such joy and comfort that it feels as though they should have been together forever. And maybe they are.

  ◊

Be sure to visit Love Letters to Old Hollywood and The Lucy & Desi Blogathon for more on the lives and careers of two outstanding entertainers.

“Lucy Wins a Racehorse” on The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour. There are two notable anniversaries connected to Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz this week: The couple was married on November 30, 1940 and Desi Arnaz died on December 2, 1986.

[okurappa]

ӍuʂȋȼѦ July ‘08 (14&15)

Part 14,15/15. Present

And now we've finally reached the last song. I think it sums up the album in a few different ways. You talked about how the songs “Opening” and “Ending” from THE LIVING DEAD were the basis for this song earlier in the interview, but can you talk about why you felt that those two original songs needed to be re-released in this form?

Fujiwara: It was about ten years ago that we did the recording for THE LIVING DEAD. The studio was about 30 minutes away, door to door, and we were shut up in there for a week, just going home to sleep. I was writing the instrumentals for each song – no lyrics or melody or anything, just the instrumentals – and getting it approved before meeting to go over it with the members. Then they would record what I had and I'd write the music for the next song, and then I'd be able to put some lyrics and a melody on the previous one. That whole time was a huge mess. But for better or worse that set the tone for the entire album. It was an information overload, in a good way and in a bad way.

The design of the lyrics booklet reflect that.

Fujiwara: The lyrics, the way the melody carries, the arrangement; they all reflect that.

Everything has a feel of impatience to it.

Fujiwara: And a lot of anger too. We just wanted to do music how we wanted to do it, just the four of us… At the time there was talk of signing on somewhere. We'd huddle up on the studio's veranda and complain about how we only wanted to make music (laughs). One day I looked up from recording guitar to find a completely empty studio, but I heard voices from outside an open window and when I looked, these guys, plus a friend of ours, were over on the grounds of the school across the way, playing tag. They apologized for ditching me while I worked, but I couldn't be mad. I would've done the same. I didn't want to be in the studio either.

Naoi: You make it sound way more noble than it actually was (laughs).

Fujiwara: But I'm fairly sure that's how we all felt?

Masu: We felt like running away, I think.

Fujiwara: Everyone, none of us were sleeping enough, and we were saying weird things and doing weird things. Even the staff were tense all the time and fighting a lot… It was a bad situation. The night before I recorded “Glorious Revolution” I hadn't gotten enough sleep, and my voice was off because of it. But I had to record it that way anyway. It was frustrating. We didn't have much time in the studio because we were still Indies… That's why we indulge in our time now. I can retake something as many times as I need to until I'm satisfied with it… I want to show my past self what it's like for us now. But anyway, we gradually began to see the album taking form, and at the end, when we were mixing one of the songs… We were really deep in at that point. We weren't putting our best foot forward, and we thought we weren't putting out our best music. We were just putting everything we wanted to do, everything we wanted to say, into it. We were all the same person, basically; we couldn't even tell whose hand was whose (laughs). Our schedule was intense – now we have different days set aside for each separate thing, so it's hard to imagine how it used to be, taking the instrumentals, then the vocals right after, and then sending it to be mixed right away. Other than “Opening” and “Ending” there was another song we did at the end, and the mixing took ages. When we had first started recording that week we would play games and things while we waited for the mixing to be done, but by the end we didn't have the energy to even talk, so we slept… We were done with all the planned songs for the album but I thought there was something missing. I thought, “This is a book, and it needs a front cover and a back cover.” I had to make something, so I wrote it really quickly, and that's how I got “Present.” It had the title and everything. I looked back on what I had written and I thought it was pretty long, and – I'm not changing a word of this – what I wanted was not one song but a front cover and a back cover, I thought, and in other words that's a prologue and an epilogue, and the prologue is here and the epilogue is here! And I picked them like that, and recorded them. That's why the vocals sound like I hadn't slept at all, because I hadn't (laughs)… You thought it went like that, right?

Yeah.

Fujiwara: Meaning that this song serves its role perfectly as two songs, “Opening” and “Ending.” But it's really one song, and I've always been bothered by the fact that the middle part has been left unreleased. I've been wanting to do it for a long time; it's like an itch. And that's how it came to be.

I see. You don't strike me as the type to gut a song into two like that and then consider it done.

Fujiwara: I think I could do it, even now. I wrote it knowing that I was going to split it up. Haven't I said that I killed and brought back “Lostman” many, many times before it became what it is? This was like a miniature version of that process. I'm really cruel; I'll completely tear things to shreds. But like this, when I have a song that I've wanted to do for a while – when I was writing “Lostman,” I meant to write the whole thing, but I would write one line and realize I could condense it. So I would, and then I could move onto the next line. I repeated that a lot. But “Present” was completely different. There was one time when we rehearsed it, intending to play it live, but it didn't work out. A song I've been wanting to do for a long time is only complete as one song. I don't forget about it.

Fuji was the one who approached the rest of you about doing this song, correct? What did you think?

Naoi: At first he only said he had an idea, and I didn't know that he was thinking of this song. When he gets an idea like that you can expect that he's thinking of something good. When he finally told us what he just said about wanting to do the part between “Opening” and “Ending,” I thought he meant just as an acoustic like before. But he said no, all of us, like we did before, remember? And then I remembered that we tried to play it but we couldn't do it. I was super excited to try it again.

Masukawa?

Masukawa: I was very surprised that the lyrics weren't changed at all. Not even a little bit. I expected them to be.

Naoi: The chord progression wasn't either.

Masukawa: But he was only about 20 when he wrote it. And that's really amazing because it reads like he wrote it just now. I know that some things don't change but even so. I was surprised.

And Masu?

Masu: When we tried to rehearse it before, all I was told was that we were going to stick “Opening” and “Ending” together to make a song. I didn't know that it was already one complete song. It had a refrain and a guitar solo and everything. So I felt that I was playing an entirely new song rather than a mash-up of the originals. I'm still very pleased that we were able to play it.

So when you decided that you wanted to do it, you were able to take it out of your pocket and play it just like that. Maybe you felt proud of that fact, or a little embarrassed but happy?

Fujiwara: Hahaha, not at all. There are two reasons why I decided to bring back this song when I did. The first is that when I thought of the title for the album, present from you – before I had asked anyone if it was ok to name it that – and I remembered that I had written a song titled “Present.” The puzzle pieces fell into place in my head and I knew that the time was now. Releasing it by itself would put too much emphasis on it; it wasn't big enough for that. But to release a song titled “Present” in an album titled present from you; that was perfect. It felt right. I explained that to the others and they were for it. That's the first reason. The second is something I thought of afterward… Without “Present,” a collection of b-sides would be only for our own satisfaction. By attaching “Present” at the end we were able to give the rest of those songs a present. “Present” is older than the other songs – well, “Kanojo to Hoshi no Isu” was around in some form since before that, and “Everlasting Lie” was made at the same time – but I wanted to give the other songs “Present” as a token of our gratitude. I don't know what kind of meaning listeners attach to it, but for us it's a mark of consistency.

A present is something you receive from yourself or someone else. This is what I'm most curious about: we know that during the recording of THE LIVING DEAD you were driven hard and could only see what was right in front of you, and in today's interview you've talked about how you had very high egos during that time. With that said, what do you think of the fact that you were able to write these melodies, these lyrics, consistently throughout the years?

Fujiwara: I think that this is all I'm ever going to be able to write (laughs). […] I can't look at it objectively so I don't know for sure. That's what I think, though; that I'm always writing the same stuff (laughs).

Do you think you did a good job?

Fujiwara: I do (laughs). I read the lyrics booklet… I remember the gist of each, but looking at them written down like that helps each one become clear in my mind, like I wrote them yesterday they're so fresh. They get stronger, not weaker, and I look back and see that some things have remained unchanged (laughs). Like, I wrote the arrangement for this one in 30 minutes when I badly needed to sleep. Everything in this song comes from my conception of it back then. The verses, the twin lead guitar, all of it.

It's amazing that you were able to write it all so quickly. Wasn't it the same with “Guild?” You took no time to write it and had many options as to what to do with it until the Puppet Guild. When listening to songs of yours that follow that pattern, […] and it makes you realize how much meaning comes from being born.

Fujiwara: What we messed up was after I had introduced the idea of doing “Present” during a meeting for present from you and we were all doing individual practice. Chama asked me what key it was in, and I said that we should be able to take it in one shot because in was in G. I really like G and I use it a lot. I thought there was no way it would be too quiet that way.

Masukawa: But it was too quiet.

Naoi: I thought that the old Fuji-kun was making fun of us! No way it could be G, but I wanted to prove him wrong. Turns out it was actually supposed to be tuned down one!

Fujiwara: I finally figured out that in my half-asleep state I had screwed up the tuning, and what I thought was G was actually not. It was just me being careless about it (laughs).

There are amazing things in this song. For example, the open-heartedness that comes through musically, and direct lyrics that represent your strong convictions as the singer, like the line,“At the very least, you have your allies.” I think you can really be proud that you've been writing songs like this for all these years. For all your listeners, even the ones who have newly discovered you, I believe that “Present” is going to remain as an important memorial to them.

Fujiwara: Thank you.

It's nice that so many things naturally fell into place with this album.

Fujiwara: Yeah. Like I said, I didn't think it would turn out like this. I'm sick of saying it (laughs), but it's almost frustrating how well all the songs collected into an album, and how “Present” decided it was time to come back. I've worn these words into the ground I've said it so many times, but each song presents differently when put in an album. In conclusion, I can say that when I pulled out the lyrics to “Present,” it struck me how I hadn't changed. Always feeling the same thing and doing the same thing. I think it'll always be that way.

But I don't think that's all. A lot of things had an impact, like how you didn't ever lie, and I think that means that this time, you weren't exactly the same.

Fujiwara: Yeah. In other words, for us, who were just doing whatever we wanted at the time, emotion like that was like a reward… It might seem like I'm saying the same thing in different words to everyone reading this. Yes, I'm sorry that I'm shallow (laughs). It's true, I'm simple, really.

That's good.

Naoi: Like he said, we're all shallow. I think that even our most devoted listeners know that we have no knowledge of business and don't have high expectations for us. Every time we release something like this there are various reactions and misunderstandings, and we bring it up ourselves as a way of dealing with it. We want to make sure everyone knows that we're the simplest of simple people and we just do what we feel like doing. Because at least then we can ask you to buy it and listen, because we truly believe it's worth buying and listening to. I want everyone to believe that.

Masukawa: It's great if a fan listens to new releases right away and sticks with their first impression of it, but I'd also be happy if they gave it some time and room to let other opinions and impressions grow.

Masu, you've changed quite a bit.

Masu: What?

You grew a lot as a drummer around the time of “Laugh Maker,” and just today I've heard about how much you grew as a person as well (laughs).

Masu: But during “Laugh Maker” I wasn't punching anybody (laughs).

All: Hahahahaha!

Fujiwara: I remember one thing. I remember that you were convinced you weren't able to give 100 percent and that you had to make yourself be ok with 70 percent.

Wow, Masu.

Fujiwara: But in some ways that was mature of you. You kept having to remind yourself not to aim for 100.

Masu: That was less about reminding myself and more about reminding everyone around me (laughs).

All: Hahaha!

Fujiwara: But now he's the one who takes the longest to record everything.

The same with re-arrangement for lives.

Naoi: You never were ok with “Laugh Maker” (laughs).

Fujiwara: He came up to me with the most serious look on his face. “I'm sorry I couldn't get it right today, please let me try again tomorrow.” I told him to take as long as he needed until he was satisfied. You wouldn't expect that from Hide-chan back then.

Naoi: Hide-chan was done (laughs).

Masu: Yeah I was (laughs).

Fujiwara: At any rate, aren't there a lot of song of ours that we've made acoustic versions out of, or had original versions of, or unreleased parts of? Maybe people will take it the wrong way. Sometimes I think that the four of us are only pleasing ourselves (laughs). But recently I realized that we're becoming a band for which that's the norm.

The fact that you're able to fling that kind of statement out into the world is evidence of the ten years of history you have behind you.

Fujiwara: I'd be happy if that was the case.

Now we can hear the old songs as if for the first time again.

Fujiwara: I really want to do “Everlasting Lie ~ acoustic version” live, with the skills we have now. But I don't want to play guitar. I want you three to play guitar for me.

Naoi: Me and Hiro will come through it fine, you know? (laughs)

Fujiwara: But Hide-chan?

Masu: I'll try my best (laughs).

Fujiwara: I'd play during the interlude, but not while I have to sing. I want to be able to say “Sir Destiny.”

Naoi: I'd do the rhythm and Hiro could be lead guitar. I think if we did that only fans who wanted to hear THE LIVING DEAD version band arrangement of the song would be there (laughs).

Not at all. Everyone is going through life with the same changes, the same progress; holding the same kinds of important thing close. Everyone is the same.

Naoi: Yeah, I think there are a lot of people who want to want to hear Fuji-kun's acoustic version.

Fujiwara: …Yeah, I guess so (laughs).

You should do it next time.

Naoi: And let me say this real quick. I'm not trying to sell it to you, it's just that “Present” is recorded in such beautiful sound. And we four know that. It has a lot of value to it. It's the newest song we have. I really want to convey to everyone that we truly think that we've got a good thing going here, and it would mean a lot if you listened to it.