#we dont know how the brain conjures these thoughts from information

[surkesh]

the human brain is so fascinating but weird as fuck. some of us cant conjure apples and others can. we know this but we dont know how thoughts work entirely

[mxtantrights]

The magic-spy and the bird

the best friends brother trope is in my top 5 tropes. but I've also got a thing for angst. So here we areeeee. enjoy! <3

dick Grayson x f!reader

Jason Todd had asked you specifically to ask his brother out. And he did use the word brother, which you made a point to bring up. He shot it down but still decided to push his message towards you. You should ask Dick out. It wasn’t that simple.

“Jay I don’t think you’ve thought this through.” you said.

He chuckled, “Of course I did. I wouldn’t say it out loud if it wasn’t a well-cooked plan.” 

You made a face at him.

“Okay look, all I'm saying is you’ve got nothing to lose. If anything you're way out of his league.” he said and then gulped down the rest of his beer.

You didn’t like beer and so you worked on a Pina colada. You had done the whole beer thing for years now. As a trained spy it was your go-to for missions at bars. Safe to say you were sick of ales, craft beers and everything in between.

“Ah yes, the magic using spy.” you nodded your head.

Jason nodded along with you. 

“Exactly. Bird brains would eat that up.” he said.

“And when would I tell him that I knew about his secret identity? Before I tell him about mine or after?” you asked. 

Jason sighed and raised his hand for another beer. You rolled your eyes at this. Once he had a thought it was very hard for him to let it go. Especially when it included a thought about people he cared for- no matter how much he claimed the opposite. 

“All Im saying is, you never know until you try.” 

“What are you a fortune cookie?” 

“Fuck off. I’m being serious and I do give great advice you can ask Duke.” 

2 DAYS LATER 

You look at Caliban with bated breath. He had just gotten info on a magic-based rebellion. Work was tight when you rolled with the good guys for too long of a time. You blame that on two men on your life, Jason and Constantine. 

“I’ll put in a good word for you.” he says.

“Thank you, I really appreciate it. And any-”

Before you can finish telling Caliban that he can call in a favor from you at anytime your surroundings change. In a flash you go from one of the underworld crime bars to a room you’ve never been in before.

You look around and sure enough you see the culprit. Constantine.

“There she is!” he smiles.

Not only did he summon you, he did so in front of an audience. Circled around him is Gotham’s crime fighting family. All of them except Jason, Cass and Duke. All of which know about your secret identity and would’ve stopped Constantine from summoning you. The rest of the family are all looking at you liked you’ve grown a second head.

You look down at what you’re wearing. The long sleeve off the shoulder skin tight black dress was the perfect choice for the club you were supposed to be in. Maybe not so much for a meeting with the Bats and his birds.

You look right ahead at Constantine, “I don’t like being summoned.” 

“Ah, but you’re the best person I know for this job. I had to get you over here.” he says.

You take a quick look at all the other people in the room. Then at the screen behind them. Your information is plastered on it. Well, the information that you’ve decided to let the government think was yours. Your codename was at the top of the screen.

“Constantine says that you’re the best way into the underworld.” Batman says.

You’re confused to say the least. Constantine was Constantine, why would he call you in order to get them into the underworld when he can do it himself? It defeats the purpose of having to call him.

“I’m sorry,” you direct to Batman and then look at your friend, “I need you to state specifically what I’m needed for.” 

Constantine moved from the family over to you. As he did you watched as Nightwing followed him with his own eyes. Now Dick knows you’re not just Jason’s friend from around Gotham. Great.

“Bats got intel that something it going down with this magic group, the-” he starts. “hex mutiny.” you finish.

“You already know about them?” Nightwing says.

“I was just getting someone to put in a good word for me with them before you summoned me here. You’ve got great timing you know that?” you say to Constantine.

He smiles, “Well then it seems like you can be of great service, spygames.”

“And what exactly would I be doing, if I can even get a spot with them?” you throw out the question to the family.

Red Robin crosses his arms, “We need someone on the inside to tell us what they are planning for Gotham.”

“I doubt they’d let a newbie in on their plans.”

“Good thing you won’t be a newbie.” Batman says.

Constantine conjures an amulet in his hand. You want to hit him over the head. He could really be a pain in the ass. You grab it from him.

“With this, you’ll be in the perfect position to get in and get out. Easy.” he says.

You shake your head, “Every time you say that I get a new scar.” 

“I promise sweetheart. No scars this time.” 

“Yeah yeah, you owe me for this.”

EXACTLY ONE WEEK LATER

You knew you would end up wounded. Typically with Constantine it was nothing deadly, or nothing your own magic couldn’t fix. But you knew that your luck had to run out some day. And it wasn't his fault.

After finding out what the group was really up to you couldn’t just let them operate. They weren’t really rebels. No they used that name to paint a narrative. They were fascists.

You held the wound to your waist to stop the bleeding. This would have to be the farthest you could go. There was no way you could run out of this. Not with the blood seeping through the cracks of your fingers.

At least you brunt the members down to the ash. It took a lot out of you. And that’s why you weren’t prepared for a hit that tore right through you. 

“Why aren’t you moving?” Jason, or Redhood, said through the comms.

You leaned against the hallway wall.

At least you’d die someplace pretty. When you first came in you didn't notice how clean and meticulous everything was. There were painting of famous magicians on the walls. Along with some stolen art, a Van Gogh or two. 

You ripped the amulet off your neck and felt the illusion fade. The necklace fell to the floor and you let out a pained breath.

“I think,” you coughed and on the clean wall was not splatters of blood, “this is it.”

You could hear Jason shouting on the other end. He was calling out your name, calling out for Constantine to come and help you. Duke was calling for you too. And you could’ve sworn you heard Cass say your name once. 

With your only free hand you tried to open a portal out of the base. You knew it would be useless as you had a mortal wound and portal magic works best under no stress and panic, or blood loss. The usual light from your hands glowed faintly until it didn’t.

“Constantine can’t summon you?” Dick asked.

At that you let your body drag down the wall until you reached the floor. When you did sit down more blood came out. So you decided to lay down horizontally. 

“Hey hey- I told you I wasn’t gonna let anything happen to you.” you hear Constantine through the comms.

You want to laugh, but it ends out more of a chocked gargle.

“I screwed up the mission. I deserve it.” you said.

“You did good. Better than any of us.” Batman said.

“Constantine you need to call in whatever favors you have to get her out of there. Now!” Jason shouted.

“Dont,” you started.

“No. We’re getting you out of there-”

“Jason, I’m not a saint. I never would’ve imagined going out like this.” you said.

Once you were born you were thrusted in this world. All you knew was to use magic as a weapon. To get ahead, to get power, to get the glory. And that lasted you until you turned 19. 

Then Constantine crossed paths with you. He was the one to show you that magic has other uses. Such as helping and healing. You learned the best stuff from him.  And you took what you learned and began to help in ways you could.

You didn’t go on the straight and narrow. Never did you consider yourself a morally correct person. Sometimes the lines were blurred, or they need to be blurred. And so you took down seedy organizations, went on recon missions all over the world.

It wasn’t justice. But it was close enough that you could sleep at night or the odd hours of the morning for more than four hours.

“Sweetheart I don’t break my promises.” Constantine said finally.

You were just beginning to feel your eyes grow heavy. The pain was starting to be comfortably numb. Then above you appeared someone you weren’t expecting in the slightest. 

“Caliban?” you asked.

“You owe me double.”

4 DAYS LATER

When you woke up you felt battered and weak You weren’t used to these feelings and you weren’t used to being so close to death. Everyday was a new experience when you’re the Priestess of Espionage.

You cracked open one eye to find a couple of deviants at your side. Jason, Duke and Cass. The youngest took the chair next to you while Duke and Jason seemed to take the floor. Since they weren’t in their gear you guessed that you were out for longer than a couple of hours.

“Not my version of hell but I’ll allow it.” you say in a raspy voice.

It wakes everyone up.

Jason and Duke bolt to your bedside.

“Why’d you almost die on me?” and “Are you feeling okay?” come from them both, respectively. It makes you want to laugh but when you feel the ache in your waist you stop yourself.

“I’m alive, so there’s that. Positives.” you answer.

Jason shoots his younger siblings a look and they scurry out the room. You try to sit up to ask what it was for but he puts his hands up for you to stop any movement. So you lay back down.

“He would kill me if you tore your stitches.” 

You shut your eyes, “Jason I don’t think Constantine would kill you per say.”

You hear the door opening so you decide to open your eyes. And sure enough you see Jason leaving the room and someone coming in. Dick Grayson, out of his suit as well. 

As much as you wanted to, you couldn’t read his face. Besides the clear betrayal that was there. He definitely knew that you knew he’s Nightwing.

“Hi.” you say.

His face softens, “Hi.”

“I just want to say that I would’ve told you about who I am. Sooner that you think actually but this mission kinda derailed all of that.” you say.

With his arm crossed over his chest he nods, “How long did you know I was Nightwing?”

You wince.

“For about two years now. Once Jason told me he was Red it was hard to not notice the similarities of the Wayne family and the Bat one.” 

He laughs at that and you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. It must be going good if he wants to laugh. 

“And when did he tell you that I like you?” he asks.

“He didn’t explicitly say that.” 

There’s a beat of silence. You’re looking at him and he’s looking at you. But he’s the one who seems to be holding his breath this time. You try to hide the smirk you feel forming on your lips.

“What?” he asks.

“Jason had told me that I should ask you out. He didn’t say anything about you liking me.” you answer him.

The red tint that covered Dick Grayson was absolutely adorable.

He nods his head to himself. Twice.

“I- I’m gonna get Jason for you.” he moved to the door.  And you don’t really know what to say. All your words get jumbled in your brain and you can’t put them together in a way that is smooth enough so you deicide to just try your best.

“If you were to ask me out, I would say yes.” you say.

He looks directly at you. Then his signature smirk appears.

“I’ll bring back some food for later.” he says.

“it’s a date.” you answer.

[phantomrose96]

Flash in the Eyes Part 2

(Part 1)

More fixed!Flynn lore? More fixed!Flynn lore

..................

Danny lay awake. He kept his eyes glued to the bedroom ceiling, studded with glow-in-the-dark stars from corner to corner. They doused him in the tiniest shimmer of ethereal light – the second source of light in the room – after his phone, which he gripped loosely in the hand dangling off the bed. The phone cast its own faint shimmer outward, a ray into the bleak night.

And he himself made for the third source of light, he supposed. That pulse of iridescent green from his eyes, which he felt like the beginnings of a headache building inside his head, had been spurred to the front by the trickle of anxiety that kept his nerves alight now at 3:30 am.

The plastic stars above. His phone glowing outward. (His radioactive eyes, pinned to Aunt Alicia.)

Danny was not allowed to forget the incident. He was not allowed to move on. Even home, it followed him.

His phone, with that dim light, was open to a single message that had been plaguing him all day. A single Facebook message, from a profile wishing to connect, with no profile picture, no history, no other friends, made day-of. “danny. this is your aunt alicia. never would of thought id be using of one these computers. wierd things. any way. wanted to apoligize about scarring you. I have a mean face maddie knows. i dont have a computer. this is in the libary in town. but hoping you culd call me on the phone. wanted to ask you somthing more. thanks. xxx-xxx-xxxx…”

Danny left the message on read. He figured it didn’t much matter that his read-receipts were on. Alicia made it clear she had no access to a computer, or likely internet for that matter. This was a message cast into the void, framed as an apology, but fishing for information that made Danny’s skin crawl to think about. Alicia could talk to his mom any time. But she had chosen not to. She’d chosen to contact Danny directly, through a means of great hassle for a woman so sworn-off technology, living so far away from proper civilization. And she’d chosen to do so after seeing that flash in his eyes.

This wasn’t like fighting ghosts. Those were pure physical scuffles which ended in him casting the creature off into the portal to (hopefully) never be heard from again. This instead was an anxiety pricking along every nerve of his skin, deep-seeded and deep-sewn from the woman who terrified him all these many years, whose connection to his ghost-hunting parents sent his brain into spirals of dread for all the what-ifs he conjured.

“You seem deep in contemplation. Perhaps I should come back later?”

Danny sat bolt-upright, spinning fast enough to see new stars spawning in his vision. He blinked them away, and sucked in a sharp inhale of breath as he snapped his head to the side.

Half-translucent, idly floating, Vlad Plasmius appraised him from the other side of he bedroom, studying Danny the way a teacher might study a struggling student.

Danny’s transformation and leap from bed came as one. His covers blew back, phone clattering to the floor forgotten.

“Plas—”

“Yes yes, ‘it is I, Plasmius’. I believe we’ve done our battle cry introductions enough times for the audience to get the point.”

“What are you doing here?!”

“Just dropping in on old friends.” Plasmius, still floating, performed a motion as if to sit. He swung one leg over the other, and reduced the miasma of pressure that his aura sent off. He was relaxed, and conversational, and this made Danny’s neck hair prickle all the more.

“All the way from Wisconsin! Yeah just, dropping in at 3 in the morning! Yeah, well, sorry but I don’t buy it, Plasmius. And I’m sending you back to Wisconsin now that you—”

“Seems we’ve both been traveling quite a bit out of state. Tell me was it a fun little vacation? A ghost hunting trip?”

“It—” Danny’s eyes narrowed. “How do you know we were gone?”

“Oh easy, I have ghost sentinels pinned on your house at all hours. They feed me this information.”

“Noted. Thanks for the tip. I’ll be sure to blast them out of existence next time I’m out.”

“I’d love to see you try. They’re masters of stealth.” Vlad flashed a grin. “I have to say I am quite disappointed to see you all back so soon – must have been a short trip. Where did you go?”

“Not telling you. Now why are you here?”

“I’ll tell you if you tell me.”

Danny bit down the urge to sucker-punch Vlad on spot. “We were visiting our aunt. Nothing special. Not everything is some big…I dunno… ghost conspiracy, Vlad. Now why are you here?”

“I was simply hoping to catch the house unguarded. You know, explore the lab, see the new contraptions that Maddie designed and Jack botched, perhaps sprinkle some cyanide in the oaf’s cornflakes box.”

“Like I’d let you--!”

“Aunt, did you say, Daniel? Alicia, perchance?”

Danny gave no response. He felt only the twist in his gut, which wrought a smile to Vlad’s face.

Vlad clapped his hands together and continued. “That is a name that brings back memories! She and Maddie were remarkably close. I heard about her constantly – given of course that I am a fantastic listener who never forgets a name or a face, unlike some fools who can’t even remember birthdays – but yes as Maddie’s best listener and best supporter, I feel like I know Alicia personally. Tell me, how is her husband Dale doing? How’s little Flynn? Not so little anymore, I imagine.”

“Don’t… talk about my aunt. That’s weird.” Danny floated backwards, coalescing a lick of flame in his palm. “Also, goes to show how much you know these days. Alicia and Dale have been divorced for like ten years now. And there’s no Flynn. You sure you’re that great a listener?”

Vlad quirked an eyebrow. “Ah, shame how divorce never seems to happen to the right people. Has Alicia tried telling Maddie it’s not too late to follow suit?” Danny unleashed his pulse of energy. Vlad blocked it with a single dismissive wave of his gloved hand. “And Daniel I am referring to your cousin Flynn, about whom I am absolutely not mistaken. Maddie and I were sophomores in college when he was born. Maddie flooded me with pictures of the boy, chubby little thing with red hair like Maddie’s. They moved her to tears, some of them. It was formative for me. The moment I realized that was the future I wished for myself, that I could bring Maddie that same joy with a family of our own. Shame how children don’t seem to happen to the right people either.”

Danny gave no response. He only lingered in the air, drifting slightly, the wafting residue of his attack trailing along his palm.

“You don’t seem so convinced,” Vlad commented.

“I’m not. Aunt Alicia doesn’t have kids. I don’t have any cousins. Unless you count whatever Danielle is.”

“A clone. You have to know the cousin thing was made up.”

“Alicia doesn’t have kids. Bottom line.”

“Did she sign him away in the divorce? That’s cold. I wonder if I could convince Jack to do the same with you.”

“Aunt Alicia divorced without kids, dumbass!” Danny swept a hand out. “She talks about her divorce all the time like it’s the best thing that happened to her, and she’s said how easy it was with just her and Dale and no one else. I don’t know how many other ways I can tell you I don’t have cousins, and I definitely don’t have a cousin named Flynn. You’re making yourself look like an idiot.”

“The opinion of a 14-year-old means very little to me.” Vlad dipped forward, closing the gap between him and Danny by a few feet. The air howled cold behind him. “However I am utterly intrigued to know what became of Flynn then. Clearly something worth keeping from you. Drowned in a pool? Carried off by a bear? Perhaps his parents made a ghost portal a decade prior to yours and he zapped it on from the inside.”

“You’re not funny.”

“I am hilarious, young man.” Vlad uncrossed his legs, still floating, but as though standing once more. “You should respond to your aunt’s message.” Vlad nodded his head to the phone on the floor. “She seems eager to speak to you. Maybe she can tell you what happened to dear little Flynn. And if you don’t, well perhaps I will stop by tomorrow morning for some tea, and ask Maddie myself what became of him. You’re welcome to be in the room when I do.”

“Hey!”

A flash of light momentarily blinded Danny, followed by a pulse of energy, and when Danny opened his eyes again he had to blink through stars.

Nothing remained in the night.

Only the ceiling studded stars above, and the glow of the phone below, and the consumptive chilling green flashing from his own eyes.  

[starker-garbage]

What about an AU where Tony can read peters mind? I don't know if he tells him or nah, but he keeps hearing Peter talk about how sexy, intelligent... Etc Tony is, and .... Or maybe thee other way around, and its Peter who reads Tony's mind(?)

i may have changed this up a bit, nonnie, but i got this idea and there isn’t anyway i couldn’t do it

soulmate au, you can read the mind of your soulmate.

Tony knew Pepper wasn’t the one. They both tried and say they had The Connection, the telepathic one someone has with their soulmate once they meet, it’s literally like the other half of you was found.

And as much as Tony wanted that to be Pepper, as much as Pepper wanted it to be Tony, it just wasn’t going to happen.

So, as he got older, he has just assumed he would never find his true soulmate. A bunch of people didn’t and they were in a similar situation, they would just conjure something up that wasn’t there.

And, that’s what Tony realized he was doing.That was until he met Peter Parker. The boy was so young, in fucking high school for God’s sake, but there was no mistaking it, Peter knew it, Tony knew it, they were connected. There were some sick fucks up in the universe that had decided this and now Tony was somehow going to have to deal with it.

Mainly, he just felt bad for the kid for getting stuck with someone like him.

It all happened when he greeted him when Peter got back home from school, Tony was waiting on the couch, only wanting to recruit him for the team, and it was an instant feeling of we’re connected, it was a way of knowing what the other was doing and thinking, without really knowing.

Tony knew that Peter wanted to go talk privately, Tony knew that Peter was confused - he could know his basic emotions like second nature - and that’s how he knew, that for some sick reason, Peter Benjamin Parker was his soulmate.

Yet, when they went in Peter’s bedroom, Tony did what he thought would be best. Pretended like he didn’t feel any different. He addressed what he came here to, speaking only of business, and then leaving, pretending nothing was different.

Tony was going to tell Pepper at first, it made sense. He had found his soulmate, it would only hurt Pepper to stay with her longer than he should. After thinking about it, he realized he wouldn’t tell Pepper and he would stay with her, and his reasoning was good enough.

Peter was too young and it would only hurt the boy more if he did give into temptation. Pete deserved better than what Tony could give him, so no matter what, Tony was going to continue on as he was, he couldn’t be with Peter no matter how bad he wanted to.

And it wasn’t really a problem. Of course everytime when they were together it hurt. Because Tony knew. Tony knew this was the person he was meant to be with. Yet he couldn’t say anything because he wanted the best for the boy, and he wasn’t the best for his soulmate.

So, they worked together, working on new suits, upgrades on the tower and so on. And everything was bittersweet, Tony knew he was falling in love with the boy, but he couldn’t stop it. He could only hide it.

“Mister Stark,” Peter said one day as they were working on suit updates, Tony looked up at him with a smile.

“Yes?” He asked, turning back to the project at hand, however he was all ears for Peter.

“Can I ask you something… kinda personal?” The boy said, obviously growing nervously.

Tony let out a laugh. “I don’t see why not kid,” The mechanic leaned back in his chair. “What’s on your mind?”

Tony wished he would have said no then. He wished he would have told the kid personal things weren’t what they discussed at work, because he could read what Peter was thinking, and while it wasn’t an exact thing, it was pretty clear to see ‘Soulmate’ Was a thought, passing through the kids mind.

Tony had to start thinking of something to say, something for every possible outcome.

“Pepper,” Peter began, standing awkwardly in the workshop. “Is she your soulmate?”

Tony gave a bittersweet smile, “No,” He said calmly. “She’s not my soulmate, I’m not her’s. We both know it, we do love each other but -”

“Can I ask you another question?”

“Actually, Kid-”

“Have you found your soulmate, or think you found your soulmate?”

The question was going to come up soon, Tony could read it on the other boys brain, but he still had no clue how to advert the topic. “I - uh-”

“Because, Mister Stark, I know this is going to sound crazy but I really think I’m your soulmate,” Peter said in one rushed breath. “I didn’t think it was true, but I feel something with you, something I’ve never felt with anyone before. I have thi feeling like I understand you I know you, I can see your thoughts. I know I can, and I also know this sounds crazy, but Tony I’m sure of it -”

“No,” Tony said quickly. “You don’t actually feel anything about this.”

“No! It’s not like that, Mister Stark, I swear! This isn’t some school boy crush! I really feel like we have a connection, an unbreakable one! I need you to believe me. I feel like I’m being pulled towards you! We have something, I just know it! You need to believe me, Mister-”

“Peter, you can’t feel anything. It takes two to be soulmates.” Tony said shortly.

“You’re trying to tell me that you don’t - you don’t feel anything between us?”

“Nope, nothing!” Tony said, a little more aggressively than he should’ve.

Peter was quiet. He didn’t know what to say. He knew there was something there, and how strongly Mister Stark was denying that, he knew that there was something. “Mister Stark,” He spoke up again after unscrambling his thoughts. “I know you don’t believe me, but just try a little, to open your mind to think that maybe, just maybe -”

“Kid-!” Tony began yelling.

“Tony! Listen to me! Please!”

“No!” Tony yelled, he was going to put an end to it. “No, I don’t feel something, you don’t feel something, no one feels anything. I’m not your soulmate. I’m not the man you’re destined to be with, I am your mentor, and only your mentor, nothing more. And most importantly, KID,” Tony made sure to put extra emphasis on that word. “I will never be nothing more to you. You’ll find your soulmate and realize you were wrong.”

“I know I won’t. We’re so-”

“Dont’ say it, Pete.”

“Tony, please.”

“Get out,” Tony said, throwing down the rag he was using to wipe his hands on the table.

“Mister St-”

“PETER! No. You don’t understand what this is yet, well of course you don’t, because there isn’t anything to feel, to understand. Nothing. So go. Tomorrow we’ll just pretend this didn’t happen. But as for now. Get. Out.”

With tears brimming his eyes, the other boy left, however, not without slamming the door behind him.

Tony broke down as soon as he was sure he was alone. He sat down, sighed, and cried. He knew the boy was his soulmate. And the Boy knew it too.

Peter stayed true to his word, the next day, he showed up for work and they ignored the elephant in the room. They danced around each other, they didn’t look at each other, not directly. Little touches they would usually share, little seconds where contact would be established as they worked ceased to exist, and they just worked, making shit upgrades, new weapons to protect the world, your typical things.

And so it continued all just like that. Of course Tony still had a extra motive to protect the boy, just because he wouldn’t ever be with him doesn’t mean he didn’t have the loving connection to be with him.

So, when Peter tried to do something on a boat, Tony was furious. He didn’t even need to be that informed of all the details, of how the boy literally tried to hold it back together, how dumb could one person be? Like sure, he’s a fucking teenager, but seriously? He doesn’t have enough common sense to know that his idea was a fucking DUMB one?

“Previously on ‘Peter screws the pooch’ I tell you to stay away from this,” Tony reasons. “And you HACK a multimillion dollar suit so you could sneak around my back, doing the one thing I told you NOT to do.”

“Is everyone okay?” Peter asks, dismissing whatever Tony was going on about. In all reality, Peter was mad at the guy, even after their whole ‘pretending to bury it’ ordeal, he very much had not buried it. It was a very present thought in his head. All. The. Fucking. Time. (As was it for Tony)

“No thanks to you,” Said Tony, emphasizing on the word ‘You’.

Not being able to keep a lid on his anger, Peter turns around. “No thanks to me?” HIs voice was already breaking. “Those weapons were out there and I tried to tell you about it!” Peter got closer to Tony, who was hovering above in his suit. He probably wouldn’t have the nerve to do all of this, the yelling and mild hand gestures, if Tony was actually standing in front of him, but chances were, the actual Tony Stark was somewhere in Italy or maybe Hawaii. “But you didn’t listen! None of this wouldn’t of happened if you had just listened to me!”

There was a beat of silence. “If you even cared,” Peter felt his arms go partially limp. “You’d actually be here,”

Cue, Tony Stark, actually being there, walking out of the Iron Man suit, fucking as intimidating as ever.

“I did listen kid, who the hell do you think called the FBI? Huh?” Tony began his rant. He didn’t particularly like his soulmate (Rather he would admit that being a fact or not) thinking that he didn’t care. “Did you know, I was the only one who believed in you? Everyone else thought I was crazy recruiting a 14 year old -”

“I’m 15,”

“No, this is where you zip it!” A year really didn’t make a fucking difference.

“The adult is talking! What if someone had died tonight? Hm? Different story right?” Tony asked, barely pausing to wait for Peter to respond. “Because that’s on you. And if you died,” Tony said, lifting up his palms. “I feel like that’s on me,”

Tony watched Peter���s face instantly. “I don’t need that on my conscience.”

“Yes sir, I’m sorry-” Peter apologized, losing his nerve.

“Sorry doesn’t cut it,” Tony said quickly.

“I know, I understand, I just -” Peter sighed. “I wanted to - to be like you,”

Tony sighed, looking at the younger boy. Emotions of loathing, sadness, desperation? Flooded Peter’s thoughts. “And I just wanted you to be better,”

Awkward silence and diverted eyes.

“This clearly isn’t working out, imma need the suit back,”

“What!” Peter asked, looking up to meet the mechanic’s face. “For how long?”

“Forever,”

“No,” Peter said, he was able to do so much with the suit, the last thing he wanted was for it to be gone. It was kind of like the only thing he and Tony did together anymore. Make something for the suits. No matter what, he was down about the suit getting taken away, but everything that came with the suit was going to be missed. And, that was time with Tony.

“Yes, that’s how it works,” Tony said,

“No, No, Please,” It was like holding onto the one thing they’d shared and Peter really didn’t want that to go away.

“Let’s have it.” Tony said, not letting up on his decision.

“You don’t understand,” Peter began. “This is all I have! I’m nothing without this suit.”

Tony looked into Peter’s eyes and sighed. “If you’re nothing without the suit, you shouldn’t have it, God, I sound like my dad.”

And any hope of keeping the suit and everything it stood for was gone. It felt like Peter’s mind was racing a mile a minute. He looked away, and back, trying to focus all his thoughts. Swallowing any pride he may have had left, he looked up at his mentor. “I don’t -” He stuttered. “I don’t have any clothes,”

“We can sort that out.”

And they did. Peter always had shit at Tony’s, so they both knew there was probably the best place to go. It was originally proposed for Tony to carry Peter shamefully across New York, as he did when Peter almost drowned when Tony was on vacation and was carried out of the water with the suit, but Peter shrugged the older man off and swung all the way to Stark Tower.

Once he arrived and was sitting in the living room, he had to wait for Tony to get there. Spidey Suit - 1, Iron man Suit - 0. Peter wasn’t even sad anymore at everything. He was mad, and fed up, and ready to just be fucking done. He got screwed over my the universe. Wouldn’t be the first damn time.

His soulmate didn’t want him.

Thanks, Universe, can you fuck with someone else now?

Tony flew into the living room, his suit removing itself from his body. Ha. Ha. Apparently it couldn’t leave Peter alone. Granted, this was Tony’s house and he was awaiting Tony, but still! Did he have to home at the exact moment he was contemplating the meaning of his life? No.

“I’ll get you some new clothes, then strip from the suit.” Tony said, walking into his room, most likely going to get said clothes.

Peter sighed and just stood in the large living room, listening to every sound Tony made in the other room. It didn’t take long for the billionaire to come back into Peter’s view, holding pajama pants and a shirt that read ‘I survived my trip to NYC’.

“Ha. Ha,” Peter said very sarcastically as he held his hand out for the clothing items. “Very funny.”

“I thought so to,” Tony said, smiling with a hint of sarcasm. “Go change.” The man gestured to the general direction of the rooms. Peter did as he was told. He took the suit off, knowing this would be the last time he did it, and then slid on the other clothes, which were comfortable, but he really wasn’t looking forward to going home in them.

“Here’s the suit.” Peter says as he walks out from one of the rooms. Tony takes the suit and looks at the fabric intently.

“Thanks,” Tony says quietly. He wants to say more, but what could he really say? ‘Can’t wait to not give this back to you and ignore you, see you tomorrow, kid!’ See? Wasn’t the best conversational piece.

Peter began walking out the door in the baggy clothing, but stopped himself. “So, is this going to be it?”

“What?” Tony asked, knowing ‘what’ already. Telepathic connections, remember?

“This is it? We’re not going to talk anymore, be there anymore, we’ll just drift away from each other, right? That’s what you want?”

“Of course that isn’t what I want,” Tony said quietly.

“I say something, something true,” Peter says, ignoring the mumbling Tony had just said. “And you don’t even attempt holding a conversation with me. What’s wrong with me, Tony? Honestly? Is it because I’m a boy? Too young? Just not for you?”

Tony had two choices. Tell Peter the truth, that was the first (and wisest) choice, however, Tony decided to go with the latter, which happened to be ‘Continue to lie’. “Peter, you aren’t pointing out something true, how many times do I have to tell you that?”

“See, I know you’re lying!” Peter yelled, walking away from the door and back towards Tony. “And you know how I know that? The same way, you know already how I know, because I can see what you’re thinking! I know it and you know it! Stop lying to me and tell me the real reason.”

Once again. Two choices, two paths. “Peter,” Tony began. “Stop trying to convince me there is something when I know there isn’t anything.”

“Just tell me why, before I leave, tell me why you don’t want to love me, to accept me, we could be - Mister Stark - we could be happy together.”

“There’s nothing to tell Peter. Whatever you’re feeling,” Tony lifted his hands as if he was presenting something. “Not real,” He finished.

“I’m tired of your bullshit, Tony, tell me the fucking truth!”

Tony was growing increasingly frustrated. “No! You don’t understand!”

“Try me!” Peter yelled back, getting closer to Tony, who wasn’t having any of it.

He could have chose to fight, like he always did, but he was done harming the boy. “Peter, just get out.”

No one moved, nothing changed, not even the AI’s.

“Now.”

And just like that, Peter was rushing out of Stark Tower, exasperated tears strolling down his cheeks as he made his way back home to seek out comfort in his aunt’s arms.

And that was it for a long time. They barely talked after that incident. It didn’t make sense. Peter did get his suit back, it was Tony’s way of saying ‘I’m sorry I was an asshole’ (Pepper, who had found out about Tony and Peter’s situation, had told the billionaire that his little apologies would sometimes manage to work on her) However, Peter didn’t see the charm in them and while they were now on neutral terms, they no longer hung out.

Tony hated what had happened to their relationship, if anything, it gave him just another reason to hate the universe. Tony wanted Peter, but didn’t want Peter, and he needed Peter, but at the same time, he wanted Peter to have a good life with someone better than him.

However, Tony is human, and sometimes thoughts like ‘Would the Universe really fuck Peter over and give him me for any other reason than the fact we would actually be really good together?’ but he dismissed those thoughts, because Peter was perfect. Tony? He was the textbook definition of a mess.

The next time Peter and Tony hold a conversation, there’s no time for awkward ‘So, how’s your life been?’ Because there’s this big Purple Grape with a nutsack chin running around, wreaking havoc.

At the beginning, it was about keeping each other and the rest of the world safe. It wasn’t about petty arguments on rather they should be together or not. It was about keeping shit together and not letting half the world disappear.

Then, things went up, Peter couldn’t breathe, he was told to let go. It was a blur, but he knew one thing, he wasn’t going to stay on Earth while Tony risked his life (again) for the Universe. Though, when a parachute surrounds you, it’s hard to hold on.

Peter managed to get himself stuck in some part of the spaceship. He stayed hidden for awhile, but then thought sitting there wouldn’t do anything. So, he made his way out to find Tony and the Wizard guy.

Obviously, Tony was furious. He told Peter to stay back, one thing, that’s all he wanted. He wanted to know that at least Peter was safe on Earth. Having him here would make it hard, extremely hard, he couldn’t handle that. He couldn’t face the fact Peter, the one thing he had to protect, was now with him on a one-way ticket ride on a strange spaceship.

“What’s your situation here?” Stephen asked, looking as the two arguing back and forth. “Is he like your ward?”

“What are we?” Peter said, looking at Tony, then Stephen and back and Tony. “Sore subject,” he said shrugging in Stephen’s direction.

“We’re not doing this now.” Tony said, walking away from the kid.

“Fine,” Peter said, obviously not fine. “Whatever, but if I end up laying eggs in you or whatever -”

“What?” Tony asked, a little snappier than he had to.

“I’m trying to say someone’s coming.” Peter rolled his eyes.

When the two were fighting side by side, all problems were still VERY present, but they were ignored so they could get their task done, and the two fought together really well. They accomplished a lot when they worked together as a team, unfortunately, as soon as the enemy was defeated, their adrenaline was pumping and they needed someone to take it out on.

So it would insure for fights, fights that brought out feelings they had been holding in, tears were shed a few times, and in the end, nothing got resolved, they just ended up getting so mad that they couldn’t even put it in to words, so they’d stop talking until it was repeated again.

When the fight against Thanos was lost, and he took the time stone and went off to collect the others, moral was more than a little low. Sadness, despire, defeat, all emotions both boys were feeling. Everything felt so hard and impossible.

Tension was once again growing between Tony and Peter. It was hard for it to not, once again, the two were adrenaline’s bitches. “This is it,” Peter said. No one else was around, only Tony, the others were out of ear shot as long as they kept their voices at a regular level. “This is where it ends, you know that right?”

Seeing Peter give up hurt Tony, the kid seemed more than ready to just die, and that was painful to see. However, what was Tony supposed to say. “Kid! Don’t worry about it! This won’t be the end!” Yeah, no that’s not an option. Instead, Tony just looked up at the kid sadly.

Tony’s reaction made it real, so Peter swallowed and sighed. “It’s really it,” He repeated. There was a beat of silence before the boy spoke up again. “And you still won’t admit it,”

Tony sighed. “There isn’t anything to admit, Peter.” It had become routine to just say it. It didn’t even upset Tony to lie anymore.

Peter leaned his head back and sighed. “I don’t want to fight about it anymore, Tony.”

“Then stop bringing it up.” Tony said.

“It’s just a little frustrating-” Peter began.

“And we’re fighting about it.”

“That you won’t admit it! Who’s going to know now? No one can judge you now? Unless it’s a you thing, or a me thing, maybe me isn’t good enough for you,” Peter tried to reason back and forth with himself, Tony wasn’t going to say anything anymore. He. Was. Done.

“I can try and understand. There are a lot of factors as to why you might not want to be with me. There’s the obvious one, the age gap. Then maybe it’s because I’m a boy-”

Still, Tony gave no reply, letting the boy ramble on to the same points.

“It could also be the fact I’m not Pepper or that I’m not hot enough for you, or maybe not smart enough. Is that it? I’m just not on your level?”

“Peter,” Tony sighed. “Please, just drop it.”

And, he did. He didn’t talk to Tony for the rest of the wait on Titan.

Until it happened. Back on Earth, Thanos had collected all the stones and snapped his fingers. It was done. Slowly but surely, everyone began fading, dissolving away into nothing. Tony looked around, watching as Strange, Quill, and even Mantis slowly became nothing but dust.

“Mr. Stark?” Tony turned around and faced Peter, his worst nightmare coming true. “I don’t feel so good.” Peter said as he stumbled on the ground.

“Are you alright?” Tony asked hastily, watching as his young soulmate practically feel forward.

“I don’t know, I don’t know what’s happening,” Peter said, his voice breaking. He fell into Tony’s arms. Tony held onto the kid, shock washing over his body. “I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go. Sir, please. I don’t wanna go,”

Tony slowly lowered Peter down to the ground, hovering over him slightly. “I don’t wanna go.” He said one last time before making eye contact with Tony. He had nothing but sadness and regret in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” He said finally. Tony still couldn’t react, shock was overtaking every other emotion as he watched the love of his life fade away and turn into nothing but dust. He sat back, looking at the spot Peter had once been laying, and then around to see he was the only one left. He looked down at his hand, waiting for whatever had happened, to take him also.

But it didn’t.

Now he was stuck, stranded, alone.

“…I’m so sorry,” He mumbled as he brought his hand up to rest his chin against it. “So, so sorry.”

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this was a really confusing shitty moment for me in my life, to be honest. 

i feel kind of vindicated but i dont? it’s really hard to seperate some of what he’s saying and maybe its just really hard to accept “it is what it is”. 

i dont feel like he loves me but i have the freedom to “feel like” he loves me while finding someone who does actually. like - no. i mean. i dont know. i dont know. i guess none of it matters. but it does because i now have this person in my life but like do i have this person in my life? to what capacity? am i allowed to have friends i see everyday? what are they to me? 

should i just go to work and come home and ignore all of it. 

i guess the whole thing is to stop questioning it and just let it be what it is but i dont know i dont get it. 

i guess also right now especially for the past 6 months ive been doing nothing. and my friend tried to kind of praise me for all these little accomplishments and it’s so trivial and what shoul i believe you know is my brain chemistry this way did trauma scar how i’d function an i have to work to train it differently? 

i’ve literally not cared at all and kind of depended on him to give me a purpose which is unhealthy but when you put really high stakes like a persons will to live then you kind of feel the need to stick around. 

not that that summarizes why he would have me in his life but it’s an added stresser to being in someones life. 

he’s leaving though. he’s just leaving. i wont be going with him. he said, “well you said you’d follow me and i want you in my life. you can do what you want.” i asked, “how can i possibly follow you? like i’m a seperate entity just following you around. we’ve never explained the logistics of when i’d have any opportunity to be apart of your future” 

to which he replied, “we’ll always be seperate entities. but i don’t want to feel like i’m dragging you with me or being weighed down in a responibility for you.”

i “get it”. i couldn’t explain like - would i travel in the same fucking vehicle as you? or am i just responsible for getting myself place to place? like this is something i would be willing to commit myself to because not a lot of people would want to do someting like this or dedicate themselves to it and i’ve lived an unconventional life by the means of other people and i think it’s fair to be able to choose to live one by the means of myself. 

no matter what, i have to improve myself though. but i guess if i thought i was “leaving” i would take different steps in my self improvement to prepare for a different journey in the long term. 

i spent two years kind of on that precipice. self improvement can happen at all stages in life in many ways and when you can see the journey you’re going to take, you can prepare. 

i know that if i continued to be in his life in any way while trying to better my life, it would be detrimental to the process because once he leaves on his “i dont know what i’m doing with my life journey” i’m probably never going to talk to him again simply out of spite and complete disinterest. like i know i will be so internally hurt that i will choose to just never talk to him again. i would never talk to my oshawa ex again. like if he tried to talk to me and tell me about his life which we already tried to do - i dont care. i literally just dont care. why the fuck do i care getting random ass phone calls or texts from you about your life? you are not like some long term friend. okay to ME i would choose not to be long term friends. 

why? because i never got what i wanted or needed from that person for whatever reason we stopped our initial closeness for so why should i maintain an interest in their life?

if he leaves with no care of how i’d logistically be in his life if i chose to follow him i would not have gotten what i wanted and needed from this relationship.

can i get that or should i just let it go? i guess i’m really at a “should i stay or go now” situation. will staying result in the same thing as the going now result but just taking a longer time to get there? or will i eventually communicate something to him that shows that i want to make an effort. 

i feel stubborn. i feel like i know exactly what to do and how to do it and if i “wanted to” i could probably stop a majority of these really lazy and fruitless wasted efforts of “life” things. like just laying around. i can’t prove that to him without making an effort to actually do that in a significant way but if i move the mountains of my depression to make an effort that still leads to the same outcome because i was never logistically accounted for even as a guest so any effort i made would never lead me to be prepared. 

like what if i just got rid of all my things? gave up the cats? worked my ass off and saved every penny for two months? but i’m just ... left here. then i’d had mde these “life improvements” to no greater gain but like.. momentary satisfaction which leads to just replacing my shit with money i saved and regretting the fate of my cats because i’m super lonely. 

what if i keep the cats, slowly work on getting a little part time job, “go to yoga” - what do i get from his support of me doing this in that moment when it eventually leads to the same result whre i’m left behind and i get phone calls and pictures and messages about what he’s doing and i have to pretend like i care when i was just left behind without any real care but i have a job and i “go to yoga” so my life is “improved” and i guess makes it all the more easier to not give a damn about something thats so obviously unhealthy to begin with. how can i be in his life? 

i guess it’s kind of funny. maybe i was projecting my own feelings on to him and i guess it’s not something we regularly consider to be in my thought capacity but like, does he think i would care about him in this scenario? i don’t give a fuck what my distant ass relatives are doing with their time. that’s like a brief phone call every two years for me. 

i think i was really mentally unprepared to enter this situation tonight. i also think i was thrown for a curveball because i had negative expectations which didn’t play out like i thought it would and in some ways it was kind of positive. but because i was mentally unprepared i reacted in the way i would react in any overwhelming scenario - it’s panic and sobbing. i guess since i have more questions that this could conceivably extend to a second part of hanging out. but like i cant ask can i come along ill do this and this without presenting the proof of even the ability to produce anything on that level. i’m literally just saying believe in me, i can do this. like”give me a shot on the field coach, i’m ready”. i suppose i can ask outright can i come with you because i think the phrasing “ill follow you” is too vague. 

all of this says i still want to be with him and right now in these really overwhelmingly stressful times i have literally no idea why i woul an can’t even recall anything of merit he did that dictates that i should “follow” this man anywhere. 

you know, regardless, i need to “get a job”. there is “nothing wrong with” getting a job. im literally just putting air quotes because i’m upset it “leads to nothing” but really it is a postiive to just get a job even if i dint give a shit about the money. but the i’d also have money. and my life would improve. 

is it unhealthy to talk to him to help make myself more comfortable for a second in person meeting where i can pose such questions? i mean i cant ATLEAST be a sobbing mess. the question is difficult enough to pose. 

is this even a thing i want to do to make myself happy? just essentially follow this person’s whims as they try to rediscover themselves? it’s romantic and adventerous and stupid an crazy and i guess it makes me feel like if i cant conjure this up in myself because i just dont have the passion towards the multitue of experiences in life and wouldn’t seek them out myself then maybe i can follow someone else? 

i do love him, a lot. it’s really hard to cut off communication with him; i want to talk to him. i want to explore my newfound freedom of communication with him. like i feel more comfortable now that i’ve sai what i wanted to say. like i think it was the worst of all i could say. and i am now an embarassing sobbing gross mess so like where can i go from here. 

it’s really hard to just focus on myself. i know how to be alone but i dont know how to love myself. i think im a heavily flawed person both inside and out and i think alot of my behavior does badly effect the people i’m aroun and it can become like a chain reaction where it effects one person and then everyone close to them. but im stuck in a loop - i hate myself too much to “help myself”. to put in the effort i need to do to make my life better. i was not just programmed to hate myself but i began to loathe the behviors i coul see that were programmed by them so the hatred grew stronger. 

that hatred is now the core definition of my character and when i interact with anyone or anything or try to do anything, this character takes over and with blatant disregard fucks my own attempts at doing better. but it’s still me. i still have to reprogram these behaviors that come from such deep hatred of myself. an theyre so large and so deep - i dont care about how i live or how i’m going to eat or feed myself or what quality of food i eat, i dont care about keeping up my own personal hygiene, i dont care about the fact i put up with completely out of the norm situations by living here, i dont care about any prior interests nor do i care about building new ones. i watch endless amount of “informative” programs as if that’s somehow better. like it justifies me spending like.. most of my waking hours doing this. its “educational”. 

i essentally live like a crackhead and i dont even do hard drugs. there is a reason i am here and i could very well have him apart of my life to better fulfill the level of self hatred i have to put myself through something i wouldnt have to experience with someone else. i want to feel like shit. i put salt in the wounds. i poke the bear. i make the wrong moves to get the wrong reactions so i can continue the cycle. 

how can i improve? do i live in the now or do i plan for a “better tomorrow”? i mean - i guess as a human i just have that choice and it’s whatever works for me. maybe i can choose what kind of person i want to be. do i want to be a live in the now person or a better tomorrow one? is living in the now compulsive behavior? is planning making me better prepared or rigid/comfortable in routine? maybe it puts restrictions on the expecations of myself? like i feel especially shit so i plan for low energy things when i had the ability to achieve more? it’s like why do the work when i’ve already planned the “easy way out”. it could take a bit of both but whats the right balance? 

i want to say like i’ll do this and this tomorrow but maybe it’ll lock me in and i wont want to do that but i couldve done something else but instead i’m bummed i dont feel like tackling those tasks today.maybe it’s just a general knowlege of things that could be done in any moments. 

when i was a kid i dropped 50lbs because i was tired of being fat and put myself on a strict but okay diet. like i still got decent nutrition but i was just tired of being fat from overeating and i just ecided to stop and i did. this is one of the crowning moments in my battle against self hatred. now its used once again in my self hatred but on the opposite spectrum.i have a lot of battles to face and some of them ill hve to face multiple times before i beat them. 

it’s really an odd feeling to have to forcefully make myself accept that i’m going to do better than this while kind of begrudging the idea. like i have no false hope that people tend to have when theyre like ‘oh im starting this diet im really excited about it’.i’m not excited about the prospect of facing these battles because my self hatred’s uphill battle (instead of the disgusting collapse of everything you are) of “self love” is filled wit humiliation. could be another battle i have to overcome but i’ve already faced enough humilation for the year. ill still do it but im sad it will become a lingering cloud. 

i guess the one thing i can do in planning for a better tomorrow is to only allow myself so much time to think about the relationship stuff. or lack there of. or maybe its there. i dont know. whatever it was/is we parted ways with a hug and i love you so no matter how much time i take to think about anything, it’s open for me to have a positive experience with him. it’s going to be beneficial in all ways to break the habit of thinking about him or anything “we” could do together. we loved eachother and the overwhelming feeling is that no matter how mch time i spend thinking about it or asking questions its probably not going to work out. sometimes that happens. the sooner i put it ou of my mind, the sooner i can just get over it and move on to the next era of my life with new/different people. i was already doing that in some ways before i stepped into all this. 

i guess i feel weird as well because he offered to pay for a month of yoga classes. i dont think that gives me the drive to go to it. i ca definitely see myself not going just because its cold. i can also see myself hating the people who attend a yoga class and choos to be involved in the community surrounding yoga. it’s not really my type of vibe. but if i turn down that; which coulve been as simple as going to a yoga class, then i should probably produce something on level. but maybe it was a way to get me involved in his positive activity so we could manage positive experiences together. to prove i could come through. 

i am ready to interact with people i’m just not ready to have that sort of interaction. the weirdness of group stretching. i think it’s okay if yoga is a private practice i dont pay for. 

lets not forget i taught myself how to draw and entered a community i knew no one in a few years ago. i had the initiative once before.