#we can walk its not that far
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#cristina#ze records#sleep it off#new wave#we can walk its not that far#and the night will give us wings#SoundCloud
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Alex & Henry: first & last scenes together
#rwrb#rwrbedit#red white and royal blue#alex claremont diaz#henry fox mountchristen windsor#firstprince#mine*#feeling nostalgic#'last' scene sounds so final but i know we are getting that sequel#the way henry just walked off akjfdlk just like me fr#even tho its dark you can just see alex's stupid grin in the last gif im obsessed#they came so far :')
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#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing#painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her#i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but#the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach#streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow#im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected#i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes#not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her#how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want#her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest#but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b#so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so#much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming#i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby#unrelated
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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#turns out the whole reason we had no power for days was our toaster just being an arsepiece#not even being used but deciding to repeatedly short out the whole house#we got it as a gift when we moved in together and i've hated it ever since#I sound ungrateful but in all fairness it was awful#took up far too much room on the worktop#never looked clean because it was cream#was generally shit at the whole actually toasting bread thing#so in all honestly I have been waiting on it conking out#except that fucker survived 16 years and five house moves#was starting to worry it was going to outlast me#but us walking past a old graveyard on our walk today was subtle foreshadowing of its eventual demise#because it has finally bit the dust#and I can browse for my dream toaster in peace#with the lights on#and the heat on#🍞🍞🍞
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#feeling so silly lawwlll walking in circles#i thnk im feeling a special type of way ..#i know i keep going on ab the samw bs and how crazy gf YEAAH UEAH WE GET IT#but i thnk in doing so im like revisiting parts of myself and writing more and i think im jst being sentimental#sooo sentimental .. so saccharine ..#everyone has been rly nice ab my art LIKE SOOOOO NICE RECENTLY#and imean people always have like im very lucky and grateful 2 be able to feel like i can share my hobby .. ^__^#but i thjnk like . to take smth that is so representational of my like . art goals and wants from a young age#ouuyyyyuuuuuyyfff T__T ooiujjjjjj#I DONT KNWWW i dont know . i dont know what im saying but i feel like i just need 2 talk abd be like hey this is so reaffirming .needs 2#i think like . bc my life turned out soo different than i imagined ive been dealing w like . a lot of hopelessness and feeling soo stuck and#stagnant and idk bad things and in a way i think like . coming back 2 something years later and being able to see progress in such a physica#physical way and to feel like more at ease and more like myself than i ever have is rly crazy and making me think long and hard abt stuff#and its all of these like . reflections im dealing w that r then padded by like some of the nicest comments and tags itslike#head in my hands /pos . grief but like ij a way happy grief#INFEEL SOOO RIDICULOUS its ridiculous it rly is IHAHAHAHAHAHA#i think its bc im turning 25 soon and thats the age i told myself id never live past iykwim which ks like crazy to drop on tmblrdotcom#but there r so many emotions tied 2 that and i think this is just one of the things^ stupid fanart ^ that makes me rly happy idk#do you know what i mean . like i feel so goofy saying it but its genuinely the connection i rly appreciate and means a lot 2 me#i feel like my ‘thank yous/i appreciate it/ means a lot’ grow tired but its soo fr every time i swear#kicking rocks or watever . i wish i cld extend my gratitude but anyways . thanks 4 reading this far if u have#ughg man and i think of the friends ive made thru this blog specifically nd my eyes r burning#sorp.. guys i love u all thank u.
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i feel like this site leaning heavily into the "pedophilia and incest and rape kinks are good" angle lately can be attributed to the mass expulsion of sex workers and black ppl on here ngl
#like gonna be honest these r the two groups that have far more of an understanding of how these r linked to colonialism and exploitation -#to be able to wholeheartedly oppose them w/out hesitation#like if youre a sex worker you'll likely see farrrrr more clients who are total strangers specifically seeking out children#by virtue of trying to protect said children in whatever way that you can#its easy to form opinions in the abstract if you straight up do not witness these events time and time and time again#and thinking about my ancestry + history of black exploitation especially against black children ...#i dont fully buy into the idea of 'these are exclusively issues of the nuclear family structure'. FAR more nuanced than that#as of the current society we live in.. the very family dynamic is one of inescapable relationships#if you can imagine how hard it can be when two people in a relationship have a lot of overlaps in friends have an awful break up#a relationship within the family would be much harder to reckon with. you cant just pack it up and walk away so easy#most of the ppl on here defending this shit do not even buy into it for themselves. it is entirely for roleplay purposes#they can put it away when theyre done#no disgust isnt always a good moral informant. but i will say i felt appauled reading the words 'incest fans' said in a cutesy way#ppl seem to misunderstand when black bloggers say incest kinks are a white ppl thing#what they mean is white ppl never have to reckon with the TRUE magnitude of power imbalances. it's treated like a fucking game#you never had to stand and feel the weight of knowing your ancestors are lighter than before because of the countless times white slave -#- owners raped them
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i spent all day hanging out downtown and the only pictures i have are from walking home in the river!
#dont look to closely at the fourth pic; its all garlic mustard as far as the eye can see and it’s real depressing#christ and then we got lesser celandine in the fifth… another classic invasive#its okay tho i also saw trout lily (my favourite lily) and virginia waterleaf (sixth picture)#and that violet may or may not be native but i dont know enough about violet identification#and mystery mammal jaw from my evening walk with my dad… idk what thats all about#flora and fauna
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the problem with nice pretty pain scales is that sometimes you are slowly coming to the realization that you don't properly know what "not pain" feels like in the first place
#like we're capable of recognizing pain when it's like. sudden. or if it gets Worse#we're not constantly aware of our pain. it's background noise that we're used to#but if we ask ourselves if we're in pain and try actually tuning into our body it always hurts#when we were recovering from top surgery as far as i remember we didn't use a whole lot of our prescription pain meds because yeah it hurt#but it wasn't that bad we could just tough it out#honestly i don't think we have much of a concept of mild pain? like mild to us is “hurts but it's not that bad” not “hurts a little bit”#and i mean acute pain is its own thing and it's easier to notice but if something just hurts#how am i supposed to quantify that?#i have a concept of “bad” that i can compare it to but#like#when i'm walking i feel my ankles getting hot more than i notice them hurting#even though i know now that the “normal sensation of walking” has been pain this whole time
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I met my third bumble acquaintance and this time I really think we hit it off. first time was a bit awkward, second one I liked a lot but I don't think she liked me much back, and this third time I had to reschedule but she brought me cupcakes she made, we chatted about work, walked around, went back to my place and I showed her my cql book and she's a heritage Chinese speaker so she told me like 'this is an interview with wyb's voice actor' and she read the little pamphlet and we chatted a lot about the show and about other mxtx books. and it was so nice to talk to someone about something I love this much without fear of judgement and knowing she likes it too 😭 she talked pretty openly about reading hardcore yaoi as a young teenager so I don't think anything really surprised her. I even told her about the bad fanfic. lmao. it was such a nice evening and we're making plans for hotpot in december!
#she was like lets walk back to chinatown and I was like sure then your husband can pick you up#but I kind of expected her to leave pretty soon after coming in#but we talked for a good 45 minutes#and I had to hint like haha how far do you live from here#and she was like OH its getting late#but if it wasnt so late I'd happily host her longer#she sent me mdzs stickers from the special english edition theyre adorable. oof I have have to go to bed#yes this was the married woman who likes es vee es es. I know 😔#cor.txt
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#guess who's goin nutso crazy over the same guy again. ya its me JDJJDDJJDJDNDNDNX#things have been Progressing. n like this is slow burn territory so its like a . ... he messaged me first outta the blue. ABOUT SCHOOL.#BABY STEPS. ...#god i cant believe i may have met a guy who's as slow as me JDJDJDDJDJDDJDJDJD#im frustrated but im also like enjoying it.#and like maybe him messaging me doesnt seem like a big deal but OH IT IS. IT ISSS.#like woth him.... this is an Accomplishment#he also like... waits for me after class so we can walk together#he used to JET out the room like a rocket#but god... GOD. he waited all last week for me. oh i like him sooooo muchhhhh#n i hope its mutual#n e way HDJDJJDJDJDJDJDJD#this isnt even far but to me its like.... the farthest ive ever got with a guy ive liked this much#which isnt really saying anything JDJDJDJDJJDJD but only bc ive never liked someone so much b4. hes just so cute. like just everything about#him !!!!@@@ like even when hes grumpy n complaining im like oh ur so cute... (in my head of course JDJDJDJDJDJ)#personal
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#its weird. everyone ive met at work has been really nice#its a different group of people than ive interacted with thus far in my life as ive mostly not#had many friends and spent all my time in school. this group of people is mostly from the area where they grew up. mostly barely getting by#financially. mostly married or engaged or in serious relationships. and its weird. and it has been weird and maybe it will always be weird#but i dont understand how to interact with people. im not there for conversations im not present for but how do other ppl interact with#eachother? bc in a conversation i want to get to kno how a person works. what motivates them. what do they love? what do they hate? what#makes them the person that they are? i just want to understand. so i ask lots of questions and it feels weird bc i dont get#the same energy back and i have to conclude that either i have a very different mindset when im walking into conversations or else im just#not vedy interesting and no one wants to get to kno me. but if thats not how ppl communicate then i dont understand how ppl have friends?#and keep friendships? like i want to crawl into ur brain and understand what makes u tick#how can we b friends if i dont understand who u r? i dunno. maybe ill never understand#maybe work is not the place to make friends. but i dont kno how to interact with others outside of a structure#one of the ppl i talked to is maybe my age with a 6yo son and is freshly engaged and she was like: u moved across the coutry all by urself?#i could never do that. and like yea u have ties that bind u to the place u live. its easy to move around when u have nothing to lose#im so bad at maintaining friendships. i just let them drift away into nothing bc i dont kno what to do with the.#with them.#unrelated
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retconning stroud out of the deep roads so i can shove laure amell and the hawke siblings and varric and anders all into the same little camp. they would all have such a bad time
#carver: dying of blight. with an inferiority complex. but mostly dying#danie: MY BROTHER!!! MY BABY BROTJER HELP HIM!!!!!#anders: oh god oh fuck. wait a minute. i recognize this area. isnt this where the commander should be? oh hell#varric: we are all going to 🪦die⚰️ in a 🕳 hole. not even a GOOD hole#warden commander laure amell of ferelden and amaranthine: oh. anders. glad you're not dead or a darkspawn but Why The Fuck Are You Here#anders: oh hell. uh.#warden commander laure amell of ferelden and amaranthine: actually shut up. darkspawn incoming. its too open here so follow me to camp#'uh- commander-' 'shut it. there are shrieks about. this is a nasty area to be in with non-wardens' [glaring disapprovingly]#they awkwardly walk to camp. sigrun and a couple other wardens are there. they all sit down & drop their stuff#amell sits on a stump and pulls out a corked bottle. pops the cork. sniffs it. takes a swig. her white hair almost seems to glow?#she coughs then asks anders 'so why *are* you this far in the deep roads with a band of nonwardens? how'd you even get here?'#anders pulls out the map and hands it over. she looks at it. her expression darkens. she rolls up the map and says 'Anders.' he looks up.#she whaps him on the head with the map and gripes 'do you have ANY idea how long I spent looking for these fucking maps?!' whap 'you dick!'#she whaps him one more time then stuffs the maps into her bag. 'that still doesn't tell me WHY you're here. out with it.'#varric speaks up: 'my asshole brother locked us in a thaig. we came down on an expedition and found an idol that he betrayed us for'#amell frowns. 'a *thaig*? there aren't any records in the shaperate of any out this far. this isn't even a main branch of the deep roads.'#'it could be ancient!' sigrun offers 'or an unsavory secret the shaperate 'lost'. like Caridin?' amell nods & turns back to varric.#'so you're looking for a way out.' they nod. 'and just happened to come by this way?' anders says 'no commander- we need your help.'#amell takes another swig of her bottle. her hair is definitely glowing slightly. 'who *doesn't* these days. but for a pair of old friends-'#she winks at anders. 'what is it you need?' danie interrupts. '-please- my brother is sick- if you can't help him he'll die!'#amell looks at hawke then at carver. gets up and steps over to him. kneels in front of him and unceremoniously grabs his face#tilts his chin up (carotid + jugular blackened) peels his eyelid back (sclera greying and bloodshot) pries open his mouth (tongue greying)#then releases his head and stands shaking her hands. 'oh yeah. that's blight for sure. this is why you sought me out?' anders nods.#'we'll take him. but you know- he may not survive the joining.' 'any chance is better than letting him die!' 'i agree.' amell says coolly.#'youre lucky. we can do it here but the prep will take time. rest. eat. be on your guard. and DO NOT touch my whiskey if you're not a mage.'#it takes like a day of prep. also no one has used amell's name so they havent figured out the Cousins thing yet#eventually amell pulls carver over to the fire and hands him a cup of the joining potion and says 'you get one warning. *don't flinch.*'#he drinks it. he lives. but he's unconscious. amell sends the party on their way#to anders: here. i found this not long after you left. *hands him the phylactery* you and justice be careful. it's getting chaotic out there#to hawke: for what it's worth im sorry. if ever you need the wardens' assistance i grant it under the authority of warden-commander amell
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Jesus did not say that every time we rebuke or abuse the poor and down-trodden we're rebuking and abusing Him for Christians to put conditions on their aid for people
#no one cares about this but i'm mad at the modern church#modern christianity is so removed from its roots (at least in the west idk abt other areas) that they should feel ashamed of themselves#we were PERSECUTED and we LIVED LIFE AND HELPED OTHERS ANYWAY#HOW HAVE WE FORGOTTEN OUR OWN HISTORY AND FALLEN.SO FAR FROM THE COMMANDS OF THE GOD WE SAY WE SERVE#also i'm seething over how modern 'mission trips' are done#your only job was to help people with no strings and tell them 'hey Jesus loves you- He died on the cross and was ressurected three days-#-later' and then bada bing bada boom job done#why are you out here with a longer terms and conditions list attached to your aid than a modern mmorpg#Jesus help us#i love the church so much and i am so so disappointed#what happened to 'in the world but not of it'#what happened to 'it's not the healthy that need a doctor'#WHAT HAPPENED TO EVERY TEACHING OF JESUS#WE ARE NOT EXEMPT BECAUSE WE'RE A COUPLE THOUSAND YEARS REMOVED FROM WHEN HE WALKED THE EARTH#ALSO????????? THE ONLY WAY SOMEONE CAN SAY AND BELIEVE 'JESUS IS LORD' IS BY THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT#NOT COERCION#okay#i'm done#for now
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dunno if this is just placebo effect but I do feel like it's already helping a bit. usually at work I'm fighting for my life trying to write emails or ask ppl for things bc I find it so hard to put my words in order in a way that makes sense to other people but it's been 100% fine.. and I've managed to just Do every task I need so far without rly needing to think..... I feel so calm wtf
#can't really tell if I have any side effects so far. apart from dry mouth but I had that yesterday.. I think im catching my roommates cold#also a bit sweaty but thats bc we STILLLLLL dont have functional AC at work and im working with an 80c water bath this morning 😭#its like a sauna in here rip#my stomachs being weird but then again when is she not. and its usual for me to get the shits on my period#so nothing definitive......#maybe sounds strange but I also just feel more aware of my environment. normally when im walking around I look at the ground a lot#but this morning on my walk from the bus stop I realised I wasnt doing that. actually maybe first time ive even noticed I DO do that#its too early to tell if this IS from meds but we'll see the next few days.. im glad i took it on a work day bc its much easier to see-#how it might affect me. i think last time i wasnt sure if there was any effect bc it was a weekend so i didnt have much i needed to do#but also last time i didnt have any side effects until the insomnia hit so we'll see how bad tonight is 😝 at least its a friday so if-#i cant sleep i can just play elden ring its whateverrrr#.diaries
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I have got to get worse at my job cus no way can keep letting them rely on me like this
#work tag#got on shift on Sunday and my manager pulled me aside when i clocked in to say thank god youre here i need you on front theyre an absolute#mess over there theyve got orders waiting nearly twenty minutes i need you to figure out whats going on and whip them into shape i know you#can just get all those order out right away just put them where you want them so you can clear that screen. and i did sort it in under 5#despite there having been 3 people on front before i got there which is more than enough people to deal with just 6 orders and yet#and today several people called in sick and one of my managers asked if i wanted some extra hours i said depends when she was like just#until ten tonight which is only an extra hour later than i finish but ive already expressed im not comfortable finishing at 9 for only a#8 hour shift cus its an hour walk back and thats far to go by myself in the dark but i agreed anyway one of my other managers then asked if#i was okay to get home if i stayed that late cus obviously there must be a reason i dont usually stay that late i was like im only walking#so it doesnt really matter but it is gonna be late to be walking back but its fine manager then comes back again and asks if i could stay#til 11 ive only done an 11 once before when they were understaffed again and she did the same but i was wary to agree to the 11 cus thats#reeeally late to be doing such a long walk by myself again other manager is like you dont have to agree to anything youre not comfortable#with then argued to the manager that ive got to walk home and i shouldnt stay however im thinking it over as i make my break and approach#the actual shift runner for this evening and suggest i stay until 12 instead cus thats when my work bestie is finishing and if we finish at#the same time i can then walk back with her instead of just doing the 10 and honestly i need the hours but i shouldnt be so relied on tbh
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