#we can fix life and crimes of scrooge mcduck by doing this ^

[mrgladstonegander]

my heart wants to make an ace attorney/ ducktales au but theres so much to consider. are hdlw the silly dudes beside the lawyer? are they there all at once? is scrooge the lawyer? is donald a lawyer? is della part of a 7-10 yr old mystery that needs to be solved to solve the present day murder?

[princess-of-the-corner]

honestly anything TA says about Chloé and her background and motives is just like, a display of shallow understanding on how society works. People don't care if the customer service workers (from waiters to doctors and any job that serves a customer, which is pretty much all of them) do their job for money or because they genuinely like said job so long as they get good service like they were promised. Privilege is part of a whole ass System and you can't say just *this one specific person* has privilege when literally a majority of the cast has white privilege, all of them are at least middle class, and Adrien, who is one of the main characters, and Felix and Gabriel, two other big names in the show, are upper class white males. the last two are people who get off scott free from all their crimes which is probably what would happen in real life because of said privileges. And even then, the money all the rich kids supposedly have? Not even theirs. They're all broke dependent children with Adrien being the only one with a job and even then where's that money going? Does Kagami get fencing prize money? Is it hers or is it her mother's? Also anyone can be abused and have trauma and mental illnesses and whatnot, and full stop. Doesn't matter what you have or don't have.

Yeah no exactly like.

If we pretend for a hot second that having wealth cancels out any other trauma, then it should cancel out at least every traumatic experience for Gabriel, Felix, Adrien and Kagami. Not to mention you have to ask where the line is drawn because a lot of the Miracuclass is pretty well-off even though they're not quite in the 'Scrooge McDuck Money' category. (seriously we have discussed the class's financial situations before and of those whose families we've seen the only one who /might/ not be some kind of rich is Mylene.)

But these things don't exist in a vacuum.

You can have all the money in the world and still have trauma from various things! Since we were just talking about a certain AU, let's gesture over to Batman who is famously very rich but also traumatized as fuck!

Someone wealthy can have fucked up events happen to them. They can have parents that abuse them. They can have partners that abuse them. They could be born with some chemical imbalance that makes them depressed despite the fact that they 'have no reason to be depressed' because fuck man that's what depression does!

And while wealth can help, as it has access to resources to help fix your problems, it doesn't solve things.

But yes! Chloé being a child has another layer to it! Because her wealth is not her own and she /can't/ use her money to fix her problems! Even if Chloé did realize 'hey I need therapy', she'd need to get her parents' permission and have them pay for it.

At the same time, she has no way to escape her situation. She is underage and needs a legal guardian of some sort. Her parents have enough money that she can't report them for child abuse and expect to be removed from their custody. She has no access to income of her own and/or skills to get income where she could petition to be emancipated from them.

And even when she /does/ become an adult, there's the question of what will happen. Because maybe they cut her off and leave her to flounder with no skills as soon as she turns 18. On the other hand, they could keep controlling her like a child because she has no skills thanks to their shitty upbringing and can't survive without them, so it's a game of 'you'll get money as long as you do exactly what I want'.

This stuff does similarly apply to Adrien, Felix and Kagami as well. They seem a bit more ready to function in the world, but even so they're still children at the whims of their parents and can only escape through their parents fucking dying.

[therealjordan23]

So, a recent question people have been asking me is whether Scrooge deserves to be called dad.

Fuck no.

Scrooge McDuck doesn't deserve an ounce of title "dad", especially when he's competing against characters like Drake, and more importantly, Donald. These 2 characters have proved to be more of a dad than Scrooge will ever be.

In the beginning of the series, we see Donald already taking on more responsibility as a parent than Della and Scrooge combined. Donald actively believed that their adventuring days have come to an end, as there is a brand new adventure waiting for them, which are Huey, Dewey, and Louie. When he caught wind of Della’s desire to go up into space, while 3 boys were on the way, he told her not to.

Scrooge clearly didn't understand how severe the situation was, he didn't have that parental instinct. He played the, 'fun uncle' role, and it never went beyond that, even though he was the guardian of Donald and Della from a young age, along with HDL. This is what tempted him to build the rocket in the first place.

You can be someone's "biological parent", but it doesn't necessarily mean that you're their "parent". Personally speaking, my dad wasn't around when I was a kid, and I never considered him to be my parent, until he stepped up and actively took on that role. And even in the show, that's Della’s whole arc! In Season 2, Louie doesn't consider her to be his "mom", until she stepped up to become a proper parent. More on this later, though.

Scrooge didn't actively do anything to earn the title, "dad", he truly didn't. And that's the difference between him and Della, she actually put in the effort.

This is why Beakley has earned the title of a parent.

This is why Donald has earned the title of a parent.

This is why Della herself, (even though I have made it clear multiple times that she's not my favourite, sorry Delly) has earned the title of a parent.

This is why Drake has earned the title of a parent.

Frank himself has made it clear several times that Donald is considered to be Huey, Dewey, and Louie's dad, even though he's not their biological father, but that's the point. It's through Donald's actions that we see that, "Okay, he's a dad, he's earned it."

Donald sacrificed so much to become a parent: he sacrificed a lavish life at a mansion so he could get away from the man who effectively took away their mother, he gave up what would've been his prime time to get his life going: if Donald and Della are canonically 36 in the series, and Della has been gone for 10 years by the time the pilot aired, it would mean Donald was at least 26 years old when he took the boys. Please note that it was confirmed that Donald's been living in the manor since he was at least 12-13 (I'm basing this off of seeing him in Last Christmas, I could be wrong).

So we have a fresh 26 year old, who has left his place of comfort and financial stability since he was 12 or 13. He has given up the lifestyle he was used to. And as if that doesn't sound bad on its own, he had 3 kids to raise, because he believes that their mother is dead.

26 shouldn't be when you scramble to find a home, find a job, and on top of that, raise 3 kids! 26 should be a time where you're just starting to figure things out, slowly easing into ideas like marriage, a full time job, and then maybe having kids. (These aren't my personal beliefs, I literally Googled what 26 year olds should be doing, and this came up)

**obviously I don't speak for everyone, there are certain factors that affect these 'common beliefs' at what you should be doing at a certain age**

Anyway. I have barely listed what Donald has done for these boys who haven't even been born yet. Donald has done so much more at the age of 26, than Scrooge has done in his 153 years. So, I can say with full confidence, he has earned the title Dad.

And then there's Scrooge.

It's truly insulting: when you see what truly makes a parent a parent, compared with the 30 seconds of Webby calling Scrooge dad? It completely brushes aside Donald's efforts of being a parent.

He didn't earn it. He never did anything to earn that title. @moonstoneflowers, @l-thefriendlyghost, and @dellyduck said it best: the overprotectiveness we see once it's revealed that he was Webby's 'father'? It's disgusting that he acted like that after he knew that Webby was his 'daughter'. He didn't care about Huey, Dewey, and Louie, or Della and Donald. He only did that because he felt obligated to be Webby's 'dad'.

"When you look at someone through rose-coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags."

—Wanda Pierce to BoJack Horseman

This quote totally applies to Scrooge. I mean, his name is literally Scrooge, he's designed to be a generally unlikable character and person. We see traits and toxic behavior that we brushed aside until now: when the show has ended, and we're forced to analyze it.

A great example of this is in Timephoon, where we can actively see where Scrooge and Della finally show their true colours. It's at the end, where the family is reunited, and Louie gives his half-ass apology.

Scrooge is completely okay with the fact that Louie almost destroyed space.

"I'm sure you've learned… something."

—Scrooge McDuck to Louie Duck in Timephoon!

You are the adult in the situation sir. I'm not even counting Launchpad as an adult here, he is a literal manchild. And even though Beakley is just as much to be blamed here, she spent the episode convincing Della to be a little stricter and discipline her kids better. She knew where to cross the line, and the only reason that Beakley agreed to forgive Louie was because she assumed Della wasn't taking it seriously.

"No… not this time."

—Della Duck to Louie Duck in Timephoon

I’ve had my problems with this, but even I can confidentally tell you that this marked the moment where Della Duck earned the title of a parent, while Scrooge was clearly about to forgive Louie for a literal crime he committed, and was really about to let Louie go off scot free.

And I personally find that alarming. If us adults didn't catch these red flags the second we watched the show itself, what about the kids? You know, the actual demographic it's aimed towards?

Another issue that I'm happy @moonstoneflowers brought up was the fact that Frank said Webby had to "earn" her place in the family?

i-

She is a child, sir. She shouldn't have that mindset at the age of 10-12. A person who should have to earn their place in the family is an adult like Della. She went out for a joyride in space, but she actively regretted that decision, and immediately sought out to fix things with her family and kids. She changed for the better.

Scrooge? He makes things so that they revolve around him, and makes it so that he doesn't have to change for anyone. He makes things work in his favour.

The sad part that @dellyduck brought up is that Donald, and let's be real, 99% of his problems exist because of Scrooge, is the one who has to deal with them! He isn't a fucking mop! He isn't here to clean up your shit! This man is the only functional parent, and Scrooge uses that to his advantage by shoving all of his problems onto Donald.

He didn't deserve his ending, goddammit. Scrooge McDuck will never be considered a father. He can be biologically related to Webby, sure, but please don't strip away what truly makes a parent a parent, and apply it to someone who has never made an effort to change to become a proper guardian.

[tomb-bloom-noctem]

Were there any episodes in season 3 where you felt they could've been written better? I'm only asking because I had some ideas I wanted to share with people about fixing them since, to me, the season started becoming a mess around The Phantom and the Sorceress. And the episodes don't need to be outright bad, there could just be parts in it you didn't like.

Oof. I've been a bit loud and obnoxious about certain episodes for sure 😅 I'll try to briefly sum up a few.

Also I'm just gonna say, some of these are just I don't like what they did rather than any huge fundamental problems like the finale.

Also disclaimer. This is not an attack on anyone who likes these episodes! Nobody has to agree with me! If you like these episodes cool! Glad you got something out of it! This is just Tombs being a nit pick loud mouth.

Rumble for Ragnarok

I can't complain too much about this one as it was still entertaining. Norse is part of my heritage and I'm a fan of the mythology which was on full display this episode. My only real issue this episode is that the message gets a little lost at least on me. And then two is I think out of all the episodes this one is the one that could absolutely be thrown out without losing anything really important. Trade this episode for something different. Something more important.

The Forbidden Fountain of the Forever Glades

Scrooge's behavior and leaving Webby in the jungle was painful to watch. (Much as I don't like the finale twist, the twist actually makes this episode worse.) [Also so much for Goldie's "fresh start" when in Split Sword of Swanstitine later showed she once again attempted to double cross Scrooge. Yeah. Fresh start. Totallyyyy.] Goldie is a fun character and I can't hate her too much. The episode has its merits and definitely still think this episode should be around but Scrooge's behavior here really kills me. Thankfully at the end he does better but ugh. It's low on the overall ranking for me based on how he behaves and treats Webby.

New Gods on the Block

I actually really love this episode but Storkules was pissing me off too much 😂 Nit pick for sure. I love this himbo but got dangit he was making me so mad. I get it was kinda important for the overall plot but come on we got so little Donsy content that it was frustrating that he was so intrusive.

The First Adventure

Nit picking again. I think it's kinda random how in the span of a few hours a hard ass like Scrooge went from "my obnoxious niece and nephew" to "my heirs and beloved family." I guess it's possible but not a fan of that kind of writing. For me it would make more sense that they had several adventures or at least more time with them before they became "his heirs" in his eyes. Extreme nit picking on my part though, the episode isn't bad at all really. Also no Hortense and Quackmore. Yes they were named. (Or she was) No we never got to see them. Rude! This was actually a really good episode though overall again I just have some minor nit picks.

The Fight for Castle McDuck

Okay this one is also kind of a nit pick but it's more like based on the episode's timing. I think it is absolutely ridiculous that Webby "Knower of all things Clan McDuck" has no idea that a family of Scots fights a lot. I can somewhat forgive it though as she's young and isn't as familiar with this side of the family in the flesh. But it's so weird how this late into the show we're seeing this?? I think I would have liked this episode more if it had popped up earlier into season 3 rather than so late? It just was a kinda weird episode and not the most enjoyable but the timing I think made it worse. Also the no mention of Hortense again. Referring to Matilda as the youngest when that's supposed to be Hortense? It's really not the worst episode. It just feels a bit off to me and again to me mostly the timing of it. Could have been better, could have been worse.

How Santa Stole Christmas

THROW THIS EPISODE INTO THE FUCKING GARBAGE. HATE HATE HATE IT. THIS ONE ACTUALLY MAKES ME RAGE.

This episode is actually worse for me than the finale. Literally I consider this episode the worst in the series. I just hate it!!!

I hate that this episode was about Scrooge and Santa. I really don't give a fuck why Scrooge hates Santa and this story in no way compelled me. (Also why was Scrooge and Santa's dialog weirdly shippy??? Thanks to this episode got another huge NOtp, "scranta" is gross, sorry, hate it. Absolutely cannot board that ship at all, I have the tag blocked.) I see absolutely no reason why this was the story we got when there was literally an option to follow up The Last Christmas now that Della was finally home????? MISSED OPPORTUNITY!!! I hate the weird crazy ass capitalist message going on throughout the episode, I get Scrooge is a capitalist himself but he didn't change from this episode? He walked away from Jennifer's obvious poverty life and went "ah as long as she's happy" instead of I don't know, maybe a message about helping the less fortunate??

Look maybe I'm just bitter from my own life. I've lived in extreme poverty my whole life. My parents home has literally looked so much liked the ruined place Jennifer lived in during the episode. And I live in Alaska so I KNOW COLD. I know how it feels to go cold for days on end, no food, no water, nothing. Extreme poverty. Scrooge could have done something. He wasn't like Donald who doesn't have much either. He's a freaking billionaire. He could have helped. And instead the message he walked away with is "if you're happy life is fine" or something. Whatever the message that was supposed to be from this episode is completely lost on me because all I see is a miserable rich old miser who hates letting kids have fun and won't help someone in need. Absolute garbage episode. I really wish they had instead just followed up on The Last Christmas. Or had some kind of family centric episode at least! I seriously fucking hate this episode so much. I would legit erase this episode if I could it is the WORST.

The Lost Cargo of Kit Cloudkicker

Nit pick again. Didn't love what they did with Kit. Okay I get the idea he grew up to idolize Baloo so he turned out more like him. It...wasn't great. Didn't like that much at all. Felt like they just tried to shove Kit into a DT87/DWD Launchpad mold. I didn't love that Baloo and Kit's relationship was mentioned weirdly casually? Like Kit called himself Baloo's sidekick??? Except in Talespin Kit calls him Papa Bear??? Also great, got another tag to block from this episode, the delkit ship. Not a fan, thanks.

Kinda weird for me with this episode I didn't really catch the meaning of it. To me it felt like the message was "defy expectations...by meeting them." It didn't really click and I kinda hated it for that plus the weird characterization of Kit. Actually I was on Twitter and someone was complaining about this episode and I responded in agreement and then FRANK REPLIED TO US 😅😅😅. Frank explained that the point was more of "if you're good at something, don't give it up" rather than "you can do anything you set your mind to" type message that appears a lot in kids media. (Also Frank please don't look at me when I'm criticizing the show 😂😂😂😂😭 I promise overall I do love it I'm just a loud mouth when I don't like something some times 😅)

After Frank explained that it did click a little better and I can see the message a bit more clearly. But I'm still not really in love with this episode like I wanted to be. I freaking love Talespin so that was a bummer. But as I've said a dozen times. I'm mostly nit picking my personal opinion.

The Life and Crimes of Scrooge McDuck

Another one I wanted to like more than I actually did. And mostly this boils down to Louie having to apologize to Doofus when Doofus is the one who's like some wild sociopath or something. I get it Louie hasn't been completely innocent towards Doofus. He did try to use him and con him but Doofus flat out has tried to hold him captive and torture and even kill him. Doofus' sins outweigh Louie's. Louie having to apologize to prevent the tension and all just...feels like victim blaming? This one is harder for me to describe why I don't like it and I think others have explained it better than me. I think it could have been better if Louie AND Doofus both apologized and agreed to start over and let what happened between them before be water under the bridge. At least this way they're equals? Maybe it wouldn't have been the best fix but I feel it would have been better than Canon. This one I don't want to call a nit pick. This one feels like there is something fundamentally wrong with it but I struggle to explain. Mostly other than that though I think the episode was fine. A little weird that the karma court scale needed to be told the villains hearts rather than able to just know them (mostly looking at the Ma Beagle one here) but that part is more nit pick.

And finally...The Last Adventure

I have things I love about it. The individual character moments. The references and call backs. The music. This finale was clearly made with love and care.

But that damn Webby clone daughter thing twist changes things. I know some people say it doesn't but to me it does! I feel it messed with the family dynamic and the characters in a needless way. I feel it didn't add anything to but rather did take away from. I don't wanna say too much on it as there's already been so much talk on it so in keeping it brief- not a fan, didn't like, why the hell, no.

The thing with Bradford kinda threw me off too. His logic and insistence on not being a villain made him so interesting. He was truly a villain to rival Scrooge. Then in my opinion he was pushed into a weird middle ground. He didn't feel like he completely abandoned what he previously stood on but also didn't go full villain either? I get a villain like Bradford isn't easy. The writers have to truly bring their all for someone like him. But Bradford suddenly getting armor and the Split Sword and becoming a battling giant was kinda ????? inducing. Threw me for a bit of a loop. I probably need to watch this episode a few more times before I finally settle on where I sit with the Bradford thing but at least at this time I just feel kinda mixed on it. Maybe I missed something there.

Other nit picks from the finale. Donald's writing was a little weird, he sounded like he was going on vacation but then Della said he was moving out and Donald talked like "well you have the boys and Uncle Scrooge..." it just really sounds like he's leaving the family?????????? Especially at a time like this? Rude! I mean yes somebody please get this man a vacation but the writing here left me kinda confused and there is no reason Donald would ever just leave and act like "oh well their mom is back so my work here is done." Nope. DADnald for life.

Lena and Webby never getting shown to have made up after their fight. I imagine the giving June and May the friendship bracelets kinda implies it but come on. Even just a hug would have been good. Also...why are they giving up their friendship bracelets??? Confused, not a fan.

And also...in addition to the Clone twist, I really don't love that April, May, and June were all clones instead of Daisy's nieces. I really wanted to get to see them in the show and now I just feel like thanks I hate it! I admire the guts to make a twist like this and all but I really hate it.

Overall please let me say I LOVE Ducktales. The show as a whole to me is a huge important thing I love. This isn't an attack on anyone who likes these episodes. I am just once again being loud and obnoxious with my own opinions and nit picks and things I just would have liked to see or not see.

no idea if any of this rambling answers your question Anon but here you go. Hope it works.

[rootbeergoddess]

Owlson for Mayor

Owlson runs for mayor of St. Canard. Does she have what it takes? Commission for @weirdkev27

Owlson couldn’t believe where her career had taken her. She had thought she would end up as a pencil pusher for some big company. She became CEO of a multitrillion-dollar company, and now, she was running for mayor of St. Canard. Working with Glomglod had proven to be too taxing, mentally and psychically. Owlson also wasn’t an adventurer, and it seemed like working with Glomglod meant adventure would usually follow.

Hopefully, being a mayor would be less stressful.

“Roxanne Featherly here and today, I have a special interview for you all,” Roxanne said. “Zan Owlson, former head of Glomgold Industries, has decided to run for mayor of St. Canard. Today, we will be asking her some questions about her campaign. Thank you for coming today, Zan.”

“Thanks for having me,” Zan said. “I’ve been looking forward to this. I have a lot I’d like to talk about.”

“Really? Like what?” Roxanne asked.

“Well, first, I wanted to talk about my billionaire adventure protection plan,” Zan said. “I know you and many others have experienced destruction at the hands of two famous Scottish billionaires.”

“Oh yes,” Roxanne said. “And what is this plan you have?”

Zan launched into her plan about protecting people from adventuring Scottish billionaires and then went into her plan for schools. The interview went well, with Roxanne being rather polite and listening intently to everything she had to say. When they had finished the interview, Roxanne shook her hand.

“You know, I wasn’t sure you had the chops to run for mayor,” Roxanne said. “But honestly, if you can handle Glomgold, I think you can handle anything.”

Zan took Roxanne’s hand and smiled. So far, so good. Next up was a public forum where voters could ask Zan questions. This was something Zan knew she could handle with ease. Talking to people and understanding them was her specialty. Even though she had trouble with Glomgold, she still had managed to handle him. Speaking to ordinary people was child’s play compared to what she used to do. “Alright, the first question,” The moderator said. “Let’s start with you, young lady.”

“Miss Owlson, I know you’ve experienced some supernatural beings in your life. How do you plan to keep St. Canard safe from magical threats?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Zan said with a smile. “I was concerned about this matter, so I asked Scrooge McDuck for help seeing as how he’s one of the leading experts in magical defense. I will be doing everything in my power to make sure St. Canard has the perfect defenses against the black arts.”

People in the audience started to murmur and nod their heads. The young woman sat down, and a man stood up.

“What about crime? What if the Beagle Boys try to move to St. Canard?”

“I have a plan for that too,” Zan said. “I will not just strengthen the police department, but I will give them the proper tools to handle villains like the Beagle Boys. St. Canard will be a safe place.”

More people started to murmur and nod, filling Zan with a sense of accomplishment. She really couldn’t believe how well this entire thing was going. The rest of the forum went very well. There were no schemes or capers, just people asking questions. Zan wished she had done this sooner. “So what do you think?” Phillianne held up the poster.

The poster was bigger than Owlson had thought. Phillianne was helping her with advertising herself. Zan preferred to focus on what her campaign would be and how she’d change St. Canard. She was more business than creative. Phillianne decided she would be in control of advertisements. The only stipulation was that Zan didn’t want to do any commercials bad-mouthing her opponents. That was something Glomgold would do, and she was not him. “Does it have to be so big?” Zan asked. “And are you sure yellow is the best color for the background?”

“Darling, you have to trust me on this,” Phillianne rolled up the poster. “However, it seems like something is on your mind.”

“How could you tell?” Zan asked.

“Let me make you some nutmeg tea, and we’ll talk it over,” Phillianne kissed Owlson’s forehead.

Zan wished she was better at being open with her feelings. She was lucky that Phillanne was so understanding and patient. Sighing, Zan stood up and headed to the living room. She felt exhausted; her joints hurt, her feet were sore, and she was surprised she hadn’t passed out yet. She closed her eyes, listening to the kettle whistle.

“Here you are, dear,” Philliane handed her a cup. “So, what’s worrying you.”

“I guess I’m just letting my mind get the better of me,” Zan admitted.

“Let me guess you’re thinking about Glomgold, aren’t you?” Philliane asked.

“I can’t help it,” Zan sighed. “That man has given me so many headaches and breakdowns. I’m terrified he’ll ruin this somehow.”

“He’s all the way in Duckburg. You’ll be fine,” Philliane kissed Zan’s cheek. “You need to focus on yourself and what you want to do.”

“I know, it’s just hard sometimes,” Zan said. “I have a meeting with that school tomorrow. I’m hoping I do well.”

“I think you will,” Phillianne said. “You’re doing really well. I looked at your polls. You’re up ten percent.”

“That’s good,” Zan said. “I hope it’ll go up.”

“It will,” Philliane squeezed Zan’s hand. “You’ve got this. I know you can do this.”

Zan smiled and leaned against Phillianne. At least someone was here to be her rock. Going to the school had been the right choice.

Zan liked being around kids. They were the future, after all. They were also curious, and she always loved listening to their ideas. “Miss Owlson,” A girl raised her hand. “My name is Molly. One day, can I run for mayor just like you?”

“Of course you can, Molly,” Zan smiled at her. “Anyone can run for mayor.”

“Even though I’m a girl?” Molly asked.

“Anyone can run for mayor,” Zan repeated. “It doesn’t matter if you’re a girl, a boy, or non-binary. All that matters is that you want to do well for your city.”

“Ha, in your face Bobby!” Molly turned around and stuck her tongue at the boy behind her. “Girls can be the mayor!”

“But how?” Bobby asked. “My dad said only men should be politicians.”

“I’m sorry to say this, Bobby, but your father is wrong,” Owlson said. “Think of this. You have female teachers, male teachers, and some teachers who are neither. Does that change how they teach you? No, of course not. They’re all doing their jobs. They may do a few different things, but they’re still all teachers. The same goes for politicians. What matters is how we do our job.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Bobby said.

After a few pictures, Owlson was ready to head out to another debate. She grabbed her purse when little Molly ran up to her. Owlson was shocked when the young girl gave her a huge hug. She smiled as Molly looked up at her with huge, round eyes.

“When I grow up, I wanna be just like you!” Molly said.

Owlson felt like she would melt. Smiling, she got down on her knees and placed a hand on Molly’s shoulder.

“Well then, I hope to see you at one of the debates one day,” She said. Owlson felt like she was on cloud 9. That one small interaction with Molly had renewed her self-confidence. When she got home, Philliane was sitting on the couch, looking at her tablet. Owlson snuck up behind her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Phillianne chuckled as Owlson sat down next to her. “You’re in a good mood,” Phillianne grinned.

“Phillianne, those kids really helped me realize that I’m doing the right thing,” She said. “I keep thinking I’m not cut out for this, that I can’t do this. But those kids gave me the push I needed.”

“That’s my girl,” Philliannesaid. “If you liked that, wait until you see this.”

Phillianne held up her pink tablet. It was a video of Scrooge McDuck. Phillianne pressed play on the video.

“Hello, Owlson,” Scrooge said. “So I heard you were running for Mayor of St. Canard. While we haven’t always seen eye to eye, I respect you greatly. Anyone who can manage Glomgold Industries, pull it out of the muck, make it a real company, and manage to make Flinty behave is okay in my book. So, I’ll be endorsing your campaign and, to help you out, sending you $500 million. Good luck and----DEWEY, STOP MESSING WITH THAT!”

The video cut off at that moment.

“$500 million? To me?” Owlson gasped. “But---why?”

“You heard him,” Phillianne said. “He believes you. He’s also right. If someone can handle Flintheart Glomgold, the world’s worst immature rich person, you could handle anything.”

“You know, I think we should celebrate,” Owlson said. “How about we go to dinner tomorrow?”

“Oh, you are in a good mood,” Phillianne said. “Where should we go? That nice little Chinese buffet?”

“I have a better idea,” Owlson said with a grin. “Two hotdogs with all the fixings,” Pedro handed the food to Owlson. “And a side of my famous cheese fries.”

“Pedro, the fanciest restaurant in town has nothing on your food,” Phillianne slipped a few five-dollar bills into his tip jar. “Agreed,” Owlson said. “Thanks, Pedro.”

“How can I say no to my two favorite customers and the future mayor?” Pedro said. “I can tell everyone that the Mayoreats at my humble, little establishment. You’ll never forget me, right?”

“Pedro, where would I get my mango ice cream?” Owlson asked. “You’re irreplaceable.”

Pedro waved them off as Zan and Phillianne found a table. The beach was almost empty, with only a few stragglers. They sat at a table that gave them the perfect view of the sunset over the ocean. Owlson took a bite of her hotdog, glancing at the gorgeous sky. She couldn’t believe how well things were going for her. She had been waiting for something to blow up in her face like they usually did when she worked for Glomgold. But here she was, getting close to achieving her dream.

“You know I’m proud of you, right, dear?” Phillianne said suddenly.

“Really? Why?” Zan asked.

Phillianne wiped away some chili from her girlfriend’s beak.

“That’s a silly question,” Phillianne said. “You’ve worked hard. You’re also not being intimidated. There are so many people who think a woman has no place in politics.”

Zan thought about little Molly and her question. Zan knew that sexism existed everywhere, but she had never focused on it. It wasn’t that it wasn’t an important issue. She just felt it was better to push forward and show those who doubted you wrong. That is what she was doing. Thinking about this made her feel proud of herself.

“I never thought about it that way until today, honestly,” Zan said. “That little girl looked at me like I had just helped her figure out the meaning of life. I don’t know if I’m a hero or anything, but I am happy that me just being mayor will inspire little girls.”

“Look at you, being a hero to millions,” Phillianne teased, nudging Zan. “Of course, you were my hero first.”

“Now you’re just being mushy.”

“Hush, you love it,” The news had hit Zan like a truck.

There was always the fear in her mind that there could be a miscount or someone stole the votes. What if some monsters from ancient times wanted to duel her for the right to be mayor? No, nothing like that happened. A few days after the election and all the votes were tallied, Phillianne shook her awake.

“Zan, the news!” She said.

She pulled Zan along to the television, where a vast picture of Zan was being displayed with the words ‘New Mayor: Zan Owlson.’

All her work had paid off, and she had gotten what she had wanted. It didn’t seem real for a second. It felt like a dream. Phillianne kissed her repeatedly, gushing about how proud she was. Zan was silent for a full minute before she was able to speak.

“I won?” She asked.

“Yes, you did!” Phillianne squeezed her. “Oh, darling, you did! You’re the new mayor of St. Canard! I knew it, I knew you were going to win. I’m so proud of you.”

“I won?” Zan repeated.

“Oh dear, I think the news has broken you,” Phillianne said. “Come along, I’ll make you some breakfast, Madame Mayor.”

Zan let herself be led to the kitchen, and she sat down. This was so surreal to her. Yes, this was what she had wanted, but she just couldn’t believe it. She was now mayor. A smile appeared on Zan’s face as realization started settling in. Phillianne hummed as she worked on a breakfast for Zan.

“I won!” Zan shot up, laughing. “Phillianne, I won!”

“That’s right, dear, you did,”  Phillianne smiled at her. “Amazing, isn’t it?”

“I can’t believe it,” Zan said. “There was a chance that I’d lose. I just can’t believe it. This is like a dream.” “It’s real, dearest,” Phillianne brought over a plate. “Sit down and enjoy your first breakfast as the mayor.”

“You know I couldn’t have done this without you,” Zan said. “Oh, and I need to thank Scrooge.”

“You know who else you should possibly thank?” Phillianne poured some coffee. “Glomgold.”

Zan was about to say Phillianne was crazy, but she paused. As much as she had hated working under Glomgold, she had learned a lot. She learned to be resourceful, to be patient, and when to put her foot down. While she never wanted to work with him again, Zan realized that her short time at his company had made her who she was today.

“Maybe I’ll send him a fruit basket,” Zan mused. “As much as I despise the man, you are right.”

“I’m not saying you have to adore the man,” Phillianne said. “I’ve met him several times, and I honestly don’t understand how he’s still alive.”

Zan chuckled. It was surprising how Glomgold had managed to survive this long. Maybe spite was his motivator, and it added to his long life. Zan didn’t know, but she did have to admit that working with Glomgold had helped her.

“I still can’t believe it,” Zan smiled. “I’m Mayor.”

Phillianne kissed Zan’s cheek as she sat down.

“I’m so proud of your sweetie,” Phillianne smiled warmly at Zan. “You’ve worked so hard. Those long hard nights paid off.”

“Yeah,” Zan leaned against Phillianne. “Thanks for everything. I don’t think I could have done this without you.”

“Oh, I don’t believe that.” “No, I’m serious,” Zan looked at her. “Ever since I’ve met you, your confidence has rubbed off on me. I can’t thank you enough for all you do.”

“You can thank me with a kiss.”

And that is precisely what Zan did.

[claramurphyqueenoffandoms]

Well, I had a weird dream last night. At least, I think it was all a dream. Parts of it might have been me imagining it while I was half-asleep, I don’t know.

So, it starts out, Milo is in a coma. He was on an adventure with Cavendish and Dakota, but Murphy’s Law happened. Some alien generator or a portal exploded or something, and he got hurt, like way worse than usual. Now he won’t wake up. The doctors called Milo’s family, and Cavendish and Dakota are there waiting for them. They feel just awful because they let him get hurt (though it wasn’t actually their fault) and Cavendish takes out this pocketwatch. I think he was gonna give it to Milo as a birthday present, but now he can’t. But he gives it to Dakota, who loops it around and puts it on Milo like a necklace. I could see them saying something like ‘please, kid, come back.’

 But this whole time Milo’s asleep or in a coma, he’s aware of what’s going on except he can’t hear them. I couldn’t hear them either (but the dreamers get special privileges like knowing what’s being said without hearing it, I guess). All he can hear are these weird ethereal singing voices that keep glitching in and out. Suddenly, the whole world kind of glitches, and he wakes up, and he and his hospital bed are in this weird room with these four other people.

 …Okay, this might be a good time to tell you, this dream was basically VoicePlay’s “Queen in 5 Minutes,” but with all Disney XD characters. (I think it was because I’d been watching the video on loop basically all afternoon, including right before I went to bed. Because that video is seriously awesome.)

 So these four other DXD characters are the gods of Death in this multiverse.

-         Varian was Layne/Guardian, and he was wearing this grey furry vest and carrying a sword. But as soon as I saw him, I thought, he’s got Cass’s sword and Quirin’s vest. So that was super cool.

-         Stan Pines was Eli/Yama Nirvana, and his 8-ball cane was gold.

-         Scrooge McDuck was Geoff/Baron, and he was wearing his normal clothes, except the collar was red and the rest was black.

-         Wander was J. None/Anubis. He was wearing this jacket with the star from his hat all over it.

Also, they all had the face paint on them. It was probably not very much like the video, it was kind of vague, but they did all have some kind of face paint designs.

 Okay, so they’re the gods of death in the DXD multiverse. All of them died at one point or another (and most of their shows died too), so they were given the choice to either pass on or become gods of death. Scrooge was a little different, because his show wasn’t dead, but I think what it was was kind of like the Doctor, but also kind of like that Greek myth about Persophone, where every time something happens that kills him, he goes and has to do a shift as a god of death, then comes back. I just kinda knew that was the case, though, I don’t think they said it. I kinda want to figure out how on earth he got into a situation like that. (Now that I think about it, though, that’d probably be why there are so many hiatuses.) But the whole point is, when Milo went into his coma, they saw he was gonna die, and so they shifted reality to bring him into this special inbetween room. If he gives in here, he gets to be a god of death with them (basically forever).

So they all got introduced to Milo, by their names appearing beside their heads like in the video. Which Milo could apparently read. And after they’re all introduced, Wander just dances over to Milo and yanks his heart out, singing cheerfully. Man, he don’t care. He takes the scales out of his hat to weigh it. Once he’s done, he puts it all back in his hat, and throws that off to the side. Then Milo falls out of his bed, and in this he knows they’re all from cartoons and stuff, and he’s like, I think my writers are forgetting about me, so that’s why I’ve been so weak ever since I got back (from Octalia I guess?) So he’s actually getting scared, because he doesn’t have his backpack, he’s not being backed by his writers, and he’s not strong enough to fight back on his own, and he’s all alone. His friends won’t find him here.

 And he was imagining them wandering through this weird mystical dimension hospital—Zack, Melissa, Cavendish, and Dakota—sneaking around, trying to find him without getting caught. They kept avoiding the other people in the hospital. I’m not sure what qualified as a patient and what qualified as a doctor or nurse or something, but they had to avoid them both. They kept almost running into Bill Cipher as a human, which was something they had to avoid or something very bad would happen to them. They met Baby Cavenpus, I think. And Richard Maxwell. Which didn’t quite make sense, because he’s not from a DXD show? But whatever. They also kept seeing these five shadowy figures down at the end of hallways, and I kept thinking they were like the ghosts of VoicePlay or something. But the MML group met some of the patients in the hospital, which were… let me think, I seem to remember Ford, and Quirin, and… dang it, what was the purple horse’s name? … yeah, I don’t remember. Maybe it’ll come to me later. But anyway, they were all patients, and trying to escape, and find their friends/family (I guess not knowing they were now gods of death). So they teamed up with the MML gang to find their friends. But they passed right by where Milo’s room was, because it didn’t have a door, or maybe it was invisible.

 Then it went back to Milo. He thought they were actually passing by his room, or thought he saw them, and he yelled for them, but they didn’t hear him. And he wonders why they couldn’t find him. Then Scrooge puts his cane under Milo’s chin like in the video and says this isn’t a plane of reality people can just find. Milo is actually scared now, too scared to move. Where did I go wrong, he wonders? Scrooge lifts his cane and makes him stand, and he tells him he’s done nothing wrong, it’s not about that. No, it’s not exactly fair, but neither is life. And he takes his cane back and starts singing the part from the song. The other three are just glaring at him the whole time, partly because he’s the only one who’s still technically alive. But he slams his cane into the floor and makes Milo fall back onto the bed, and he sings the part about bad mistakes, and “I-I-I-I’ve made a fe-e-ew.” He didn’t even sound like Geoff, he literally sounded like Scrooge McDuck singing. The others are rolling their eyes, like, yeah, a few. But he’s ignoring them, and says he’s had to deal with all that, but he came through in the end. And the others are singing the background parts about “He could go on and on and on…”

 He does this evil laugh (well, maybe not evil, but you know what I mean) and he looked like he was about to continue, but then Stan and Wander and Varian start singing “We Are the Champions” all together, and Scrooge just gives them a death glare like, you wicked warblers, ye stole mah part. But they’re totally ignoring him, except for Stan, who’s just flaunting it. And Milo’s here in the middle of it, watching this whole rivalry thing play out. Wander and Varian are ignoring all that, though, just singing at the top of their lungs, and Wander dancing around, and being so friendly to Varian and getting him to have fun and dance around with him, and they seriously looked like they were having a super fun time, those two. #cinnamonrolls  I think they’re trying to get Milo to dance and sing too, and he almost looked like he wanted to, but he held back. But while Wander and Varian are completely ignoring the rivalry of the other two, Stan sings right in Scrooge’s face, and Scrooge does the thing in Stan’s eye like “No time for losers,” and Stan starts to get mad.

 So then he starts yelling at Scrooge, and everyone else shuts up to watch. I’m not entirely sure how this whole part went, but it was a lot about the rivalry. I think it might have played twice in the dream. The first time he was getting mad specifically at Scrooge, because they were partners(-in-crime) and worked together to make money, but Scrooge went on and did his own thing, got rich and successful and all. Oh, wow, just like his brother. But yeah, he was mad about it, and he’s like, yeah, you happy about that? Then… you know, I think it did play twice. The second time, he was just talking about his life in general. And Stan’s like, you think you had it tough, Mister Zillionaire? Look at all the crap I had to put up with, and all the stuff I had to pull to fix that stupid portal, and save my stupid brother, and I still died trying to stop a stupid triangle, and you’re talking about troubles? I had to stand ALL the heat, how long can you do it? How long before you have to face the bullets and die like the rest of us? And guess what, you might still have some kind of life, that might be your little solo here, but death is OUR beat. This time, it’s our call. We get to decide what happens now. It was actually kind of a cool speech.

 And I think it kind of gets the others on his side about this, and they join in the argument. They all want to decide what happens to Milo now, so they’re going back and forth about it. I think Stan wants to decide for himself, Wander wants to take him somewhere else, Varian wants them to stick to the rules, and nobody is sure what Scrooge wants. Then they all just jump in at the same time to grab Milo, to pull him to whatever fate they decide, or to keep the others from taking him, because they all have different ideas of what his fate should be. And it’s like in the video, where they’re all surrounding him, and Stan’s cane and Varian’s (well, Cass’s) sword crossed over his chest.

 Of course, Milo is freaking out over this whole process. I mean, how would you like four gods of Death fighting over you with their weapons at your throat? He shuts his eyes tight and just screams PLEASE STOP, I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!! The others stop pulling at him, but just stay right where they are. I can’t handle this, he says, it’s just too much pressure. All of you trying to drag me away to my death. But then he starts singing “Pressure” from his show, instead of the song from this part in the video. Musical accompaniment from nowhere, of course, for literally the only time in the dream. And… wait, were there words? I think there were. I think he sang his own lyrics to it, but I have no idea what they were. Dang it, why can’t I ever remember the songs in my dreams??

 But the others are like, well fine, fair point, but we’re the gods of death here, whaddya WANT US to do? And he just replies by singing the part from the song “I want to break FREE-E-E-E!” and throws his hand in the air. And for some reason that knocks all of them back, and they’re all really confused. But Milo just looks at them and he’s like, you really don’t care what happens to me, you just care about yourself and this crazy rivalry. You don’t need me, and I don’t need any of this. Well if your so smart, what do you think you need, they ask? And he says, I don’t know what I need. All I know is I want to break free from all this. They shake their heads as they step closer. ‘Fraid you can’t do that. It’s not your choice. And the lights go dim, because time’s almost up. Milo realizes now: he’s about to die.

 I think here it went back to the MML gang and the patients. Because apparently they aren’t just in Milo’s imagination anymore, and they’re just randomly really there. The whole thing could’ve been Milo’s dream, but I kinda don’t think so. But they saw the lights in the hospital go dim, and somehow knew that meant Milo was going to die. Maybe the patients knew, like Ford or something. So they rushed to find him quick. But then they went around a corner and ran right into the human Bill Cipher. He looked a little like the tall red guy in Hazbin Hotel, except yellow and black, and, you know, BILL. (I haven’t watched the show, but I’ve seen a few clips in music videos) So they all ran away, and he kept chasing them through the halls of the hospital. Here it kinda turned into nightmare, because it seemed like we just couldn’t get away. (oh and in this part of the dream, I was seeing it through Cavendish’s eyes, not just watching it happen). At one point, I think the patients turned around to fight him, but he made the blue chains appear around their necks and pulled them back to him. Then he started chasing us again. When he was chasing us, they weren’t there, though. We couldn’t get away. It was like almost every time we turned a corner to get away from him, he was there where we were about to go, ready to spring. We kept running, but he finally cornered us. The patients were there again, floating chained in the air behind him and struggling to get free. I think it was only Ford and Quirin this time though? Not… SYLVIA! That was her name! Sylvia. But she wasn’t there at the time for whatever reason. But we were cornered, and I was just so upset (well, Cavendish was). Cavendish said he let Milo get hurt and he’s about to die, and now he’s led two more kids and his best friend right into Death’s hands. He says he’s sorry to them, and whispers it to Milo, like “I’m sorry, Milo.”

 Well, I don’t know if you’d say Milo felt that or what, but I think he did. In his last few moments, Milo looks down and finds the pocketwatch Cavendish and Dakota gave him, and he touches it and thinks about them. They’re like these crazy sci-fi uncles to him, but they’re really his friends. And then he remembers his family, and Zack and Melissa and his other friends, and he just really hopes they think of him after all this, because he misses them a lot. The moment he gives in, he’ll be losing all of them.

 I feel like there was a part of the dream that I remembered here that didn’t actually happen before, where Bill said that Cavendish and Dakota were supposed to die, and he’d let the other two go if they agreed to stay, because he’d been cheated out of getting Cavendish way too many times, so he wanted them both now. He couldn’t let Milo go, because he was in with the gods of Death, nobody can get him out of there. And I think Cavendish and Dakota just looked at each other and nodded, and Dakota told the other two to say bye to Milo for them, and Cavendish stepped up to shake Bill’s hand. Of course the thing about it is that I just kind of remembered this as happening, in the middle of the scene with Milo, but I hadn’t seen it happen. Dreams are weird.

 But I remembered that happening, and I thought, well, Milo is still losing them all. He’s losing C&D to death and losing all the others to life. He can never see any of them again until the moment they die. And this time, the others around him are just quiet. They all had to leave people behind when this happened, too, and they know this is the case for all of them. Most of them are also remembering the people they lost in life too (Scrooge lost Della, Stan lost Ford, Varian lost Quirin). So they know how this poor kid feels. But they’re like, they say it should be easy, but even though it isn’t, these are the rules. This is how you gotta play the game, and now it’s your turn. Just give in.

 And it was at that moment that I suddenly thought, wait, did you seriously just invite Milo freaking Murphy to play a freaking game?

 Well, I think Milo must have had the same thought, because he stands up on his bed and rips out all the cords and IVs hooked up to him. Then the lights suddenly undim and he looks around at them and he says, you know what, you can knock me right down with whatever you’ve got, but I’m always getting back up again! Then he points right at the camera (or whatever it is in a dream—I remember thinking he was talking to Dan and Swampy) and he sings, you think you can love me and leave me to die? Well, sorry, but you can’t! I’m getting out of here, and I’m getting back to my family and friends, because I’ve got something no game and none of you can beat!

 So then, Varian draws Cass’s sword, and he’s like, careful, I like you, but if you try anything crazy, I’m gonna have to use this. But then Milo looks down at his hand, and it starts supercharging with this red energy: Murphy’s Law. He then shoots it right at Varian, who vanishes in a puff of smoke. And here I was aware of two scenes going on at the same time, this one and the one with the others. When Milo shot Murphy’s Law at Varian and made him disappear, Quirin’s chain snapped. When Milo turns and does the same to Stan and Wander, the chains for Ford and Sylvia (who’s back now I guess) snap too. Bill is freaking out because he doesn’t understand what’s happening (and neither do the MML gang). But I think they can hear the song going on, and they know Milo’s doing something. And Milo does the exact line from the song, “I’ll face it with a grin, I’m never giving in, oh no,” while Scrooge is giving him this smile that says, go on lad, you’ve earnt it. He shoots Scrooge with Murphy’s Law, and he vanishes too. Bill gets knocked back on the ground when that happens, and the wall nearby turns into a door. So the MML gang run toward it, because it’s Milo’s door. Then Milo turns right toward the camera and sings “SHOW MUST GO ON!” before turning around and walking up to the curtains behind his bed. Behind him, the others come through the door. He opens the curtains…

 And wakes up in his bed. Cavendish and Dakota sit up straight in their chairs and gasp. They look at each other like, wait we’re still here? Was that real? But then Milo groans, and they see he’s there and he’s alive. And they both come over and hug him. Milo just says, thanks guys. Then Zack and Melissa rush in, and when they see Milo, they give each other the same kind of looks C&D just did. Then they run over and hug Milo too. It’s a very happy tearful reunion, and then it fades out into white, just like the video.

 And I mean, that’s not exactly the end of the dream, because then there was this kind of dream epilogue or something, where the four guys are just watching the happy ending from the white place that the ending faded into. They’re actually looking pretty pleased. I think they cheer when Milo’s family comes in a minute later. They start talking about how it was better he didn’t become one of them just yet, he’s still got his life to live. Stan looks over at Scrooge and is like, I bet you just set the whole thing up to prove it, huh? Prove the kid? And Scrooge replies, believe me, I wasn’t about to rouse your rivalry without a very good reason.

 But what about that dreamtime death demon, he asks? And Stan’s like, don’t you worry, I think there’s some people that’ll be more than ready to give him his. Cue Bill getting up surrounded by Ford, Quirin, and Sylvia. He laughs and says, you really think you’re gonna be able to stand up to me, with the power I have over you? Ford says not really, but they probably will, and thumbs behind him. And the ghosts of VoicePlay come up and they look mad, because Bill messed with their reality and put it together with all these others and made it all crazy like this, so they go beat him up.

 Stan and Scrooge laugh. But now they don’t have anything to do, because Milo was the last thing on their list. So Wander is just like, let’s have a dance party, and Varian’s like, yeah man, let’s do it, and highfives him. Or however many fingers they have. And they just start dancing, to… I don’t know what the song was. It might’ve just been made up. Or maybe it was part of the actual song? I don’t know. And I think there might’ve been more, like another dream, but I don’t really remember it. I think it was another one with VoicePlay.

 So yeah, that’s about it. I just spent the last three hours typing that up, as soon as I got up, so hopefully it’s good? It’s just so bizarre, but also kind of cool? And I haven’t had cool dreams like this in a while, so it was definitely welcome. I guess it’s kind of an indicator of what’s going on in my brain these days.

 (now I kinda wanna fic it)

[myrskytuuli]

Hold your violet tiara high 1/5

Or, there is a time-honored tradition were people firmly believe that their generation was the first one to invent sex, and nobody wants to be the person to explain to Scrooge McDuck what gay people are.

Or, the one where Webby gets a girlfriend and makes life much more difficult for herself than it needs to be.  

Look, look! I have actually salvaged from my documents something that might even resemble an actual fic. 

For the purposes of this fic, we will assume that Scrooge really is all 150 years old, and that he has a fountain of youth tucked in there somewhere in the manor. The fic will switch between modern day, and flashbacks to Scrooge’s youth. 

It could be said that it all starts when Webby and the triplets manage to convince Uncle Donald to take them with him to a Ducks N´ Roses concert, and where Webby manages to bumb into a girl of her age, with hair as red as fire, and who instantly grabs Webby’s hands, and pulls her into the crowd. “Dance with me!” She yells, and Webby complies, and then they are friends.

It could also start when They all find out that Gosalyn is actually a daughter of a friend of Launchpad, and that practically makes them all friends already, right? So, they end up keeping in touch quite a lot.

 Or maybe, it starts in Gosalyn’s comfy living room, on a weekend that the children have all for themselves, Gosalyn’s father being both very progressive and more importantly absent. His progressiveness has allowed the children to spend the Saturday in the house all by themselves, Webby, Gosalyn’s friend Honker, and the triplets, without anyone exchanging knowing glances, and murmurs of “I didn’t think that boys and girls had slumber parties together at your age.” The absence of adults is still the more crucial part that allows the five thirteen-year-olds to kick back and enjoy the house.

It happens when they are singing karaoke, all stuffed with candy and lemonade (They are good kids, and more importantly they don’t need to thrill-seek on weekends. They get plenty of excitement just living with their uncle.) Gosalyn is working on a truly unique interpretation of Madonna’s Vogue, and Webby realises that she is the most radiant and beautiful being in the entire world, and that all she wants to do is let her small and insecure hands settle on Gosalyn’s swaying hips and slowly sway with her.

Oh no. Webby thinks, and takes another sip from her green and sizzling soda. How did I let this thing sneak up on me? She also thinks. She probably doesn’t even think of me as anything more than a friend.

Then Gosalyn turns around, gives Webby a smile, and all thoughts flee from Webby’s head.

 That’s where it starts, but for Webby’s eternal surprise, that is not where it all ends. Gosalyn is a social, confident, popular and smart. She is involved in things like after-school programs, is a fledgling political activist, (Saint. Canard is a crappy city, and maybe we would have less crime if someone did something to make it less crappy!) and has had no problems accepting her queer identity. (Webby on the other hand finds the word queer identity intimidating, like it is too official, like after all her hard work she is still cut away from the normal teenagers, still doesn’t fit in.)

Gosalyn has not been raised in isolation for her formative years, and is good with people. She kicks ass at sports, and is in every way too good for Webby, expect that Gosalyn gets angry when Webby says this, and lists of all the qualities that Webby presumptively has, even if Webby doesn’t recognise herself in Gosalyn’s description of herself.

But it’s fine. They fit together in the way innocent teenagers do, and embrace dating with the enthusiasm of people experiencing their first love. They hold hands, and when they are feeling especially naughty, they snuggle together on Gosalyn’s sofa and exchange slow and hesitant kisses.

The triplets tell them that they are positively disgusting, and that being in the same room with them could give anyone cavities. Despite this, Huey has also quite probably already planned their wedding, even if he admits to nothing. (but it is good to be prepared. Just in case. Don’t look at my notebook!)

 All in all, the panic settles in Webby only when she is walking towards her home, hand in hand with Gosalyn, who is visiting Duckburg, and then realises that she can’t invite her in.

Despite how many times she has been told to call the manor her home, that she belongs there, that she is part of the family now, she still knows that this is not her home. This is Scrooge’s home, and in the end, he has the power to sweep Webby and granny out if he is so inclined. Webby has never before even though that Scrooge would do anything like that, but the thought now slithers in, unwanted and poisonous.

She says goodbye to Gosalyn in the city, and walks the rest of the way to the manor alone. She can’t help it. She has heard of so many parents, who have talked so many times about how they would never forsake their children because of their sexuality, that it has been made painfully clear that there are many others who would. And never be it for her to think of anything bad about Scrooge McDuck, but she doesn’t know.

Webby is not part of the family, not really. And uncle Scrooge (the word uncle suddenly sounds hesitant even inside her own thoughts) is pretty old fashioned, in his own way. He was born during the Victorian era after all, and made his fortune on the times of good old America. When men were men, and women were presumably also somewhere, and when everything was simpler and cleaner. It is the part of the McDuck legend that everyone will agree to respect and slightly envy. The current McDuck is free for the paparazzi and tabloids to scavenge, but the Scrooge McDuck of the nineteenth century is untouchable.

Webby understands. Reading the exploits of the nineteenth century Scrooge has been her favourite past time for years, and while she lives with the modern-day Scrooge, she still sometimes has problems seeing the two as the same person.

As she shuffles into the kitchen, she feels weird. Like a new Webby, who has slithered inside the skin of the old one and is now an imposter in her own home.  

The newspaper that she had not read in the morning is still on the table, so she skims through it, noting that some brave armchair historian has once again decided to publish an unofficial biography of uncle Scrooge. It happened from time to time, and because there was no official one, they all rewrote uncle Scrooge’s past with a slightly different pen, while agreeing to keep the main framework the same. Glasgow-America-Klondike-Duckburg, and the rest of the world tucked here and there between.

Webby can already predict that uncle Scrooge will be irritated about the whole business, he has a notorious reputation on disapproving of books written about him.

He loves telling stories of his life, and hates it when somebody tells stories of his life to him. Webby kind of understands. Having someone look at you, and then telling you who you are, must be an irritating experience.  

But none of this helps Webby at all, who feels even more anxious. She decides to retreat to her room, instead of staying to hang around. She doesn’t trust herself with already irritated uncle Scrooge right now.

Dragging her feet upstairs, she sees the triplets in the living room, playing video games. Webby watches them, and for the first time in years, she feels like she is not part of the gang. It’s stupid, she knows. The boys know about her and Gosalyn, but now that the snake of insecurity has been left out of the bag, it is wreaking full time havoc in her mind.

“Hey guys!”

“Hey Webby! How was your date?”

“Yeah….about that.” She fiddles with her skirt.

Huey abandons his game immediately, and leans over the sofa. “Did something go wrong?! Are you breaking up!!?”

“No, I…Nothing like that. It’s just, have you talked to anyone. About me and Gosalyn, I mean.?”

“Um…No.” Dewey says, and also leans over the sofa, eyes curious. “Why?”

“Well, it’s just that…can you maybe not? I don’t think I want anyone to know.”

Even Louie has now abandoned the game, and is looking at Webby over the sofa. Together the three of them fix their identical stares at her.  

“Why not? Wouldn’t it be easier if everyone knew?”

“I mean…” Webby starts, and finds it difficult to put her feelings into words. “I just don’t want to make it into a such a big deal. I mean, she’s my first girlfriend, how long do you think it will last?” she laughs awkwardly, the words slightly painful, now that she thinks about the implications of them.

“I don’t know, you two fit pretty well together.” Dewey says hesitantly.

“Yeah, but… I’m thirteen, and…”

“You’ll be fourteen in a month.” Huey points out.

“Still. I just don’t want the adults to know that I’m dating anyone. Okay?”

Dating is something that grown-ups do, something that will fling her into new unfamiliar world, and that goes doubly for...for lesbians. lesbians, who are always beautiful, and adults, and a bit dangerous. Lesbians don’t fall asleep curled against Scrooge McDuck on the sofa, listening to his stories. Lesbians don’t play around with Launchpad, and they don’t get piggy-back rides from uncle Donald.

Webby doesn’t want to give all that up. Not yet. Not even for Gosalyn. She isn’t ready to shed her skin that completely. 

“Whatever you say.” Louie shrugs, and that seems to be the general consensus between the triplets in the end. Webby feels suddenly like she is not part of the nephew gang anymore, and feels again the seed of insecurity growing inside her. She excuses herself and escapes to her room.

 Glasgow, 1878

“Hey Scrooge! Polished lots of fancy boots today?!” The caller was an eleven-year-old dog-girl with thick brown hair and clever blue eyes.

“Hey Fanny! You know it!” Answered the also currently eleven-year-old millionaire-to-be

The two grubby children settled to sit on the steps of the already closed pawn shop, shooing a great big rat to return back to its shadowy home underneath the house’s structures. Pests fighting for space in the setting sun.

The pawn shop was a popular spot for the two children to meet at the end of the day, as it represented the magical in-between place on the edges of both west- and east-ends of Glasgow. Sitting under the sign of the shop, you could easily see the beautiful church, and the beautiful houses that spread over west end, holding in them the beautiful people and their beautiful dreams. This close, you could also partake in the beautiful dreams, if maybe not anything else.

“So, how’s the business?” Fanny asked, leaning back and letting her feet settle on top of her overturned cart. During the summer days, she sold flowers on the streets, and on winter she changed her wares to matches. Ribbons she sold all through the year.

“Not bad.” Scrooge let his own short legs rest on his shoe shiners box. “I have been thinking of starting to sell firewood when winter comes. If I have money for a cart of course.” The cold wind picked up and made the young boy shiver underneath his sweater. He had been sweating heavily during the day, and now the exhaustion was starting to pick up after the fourteen-hour work day. “Not everybody cares about the state of their boots, but everybody wants to stay warm.” He added.

“That’ true.” Fanny agreed. She lifted her arm and the knitted shawl with it. It was the fanciest piece of clothing that she owned, and made her look less like a slum dweller and more like someone the customers would be willing to approach. Scrooge gladly scooted underneath the arm and the corner of the woollen shawl.

The two children watched in silence as the steady stream of carriages started their migration from west to eastwards, as they always did after sunset. A horde of bored lordlings, and other gentlemen of all ages, invaded the music halls, pubs, and other even seedier places, that were so easy to find on the east side of the city.

An open carriage full of young men, from the university, rumbled past the pawn shop steps, the carriage-floor full of wine bottles clinking with every turn of the wheels. With the hollering boys sat four much more ragged girls, laughing just as loudly, but much less authentically. Seeing Fanny and Scrooge, the petite brunette sitting on one of the boy’s laps graced them with a real smile and a quick wave.

Scrooge and Fanny waved back. [i]

“Maggie looks better.” Scrooge observed, remembering how sick his neighbour had been just last week. His mother had already been fearing for the worst, shaking her head and looking more resigned every time she went to take a bowl of soup to the ill girl, living in the much smaller apartment next door.

“She’s tougher than she looks.” Fanny said. “We all thought that it was going to be her death this time for sure.”

“papa says that it was probably something in the water. There has been something going around again in the neighbourhood.” Scrooge shuffled a little, letting his friend rest her head against his shoulder. Fanny lived close to his family, but not that close. Truth to be told, Scrooge’s family home was possibly luxurious compared to the hovel that Fanny and her sister and her sister’s Friend, (Friend capitalized.) lived in, and their water seemed to always be a bit unreliable. But Fanny was also tough, and you would never catch her complaining about anything.

“aye, I know, for us too. We try not to drink the water at all right now.” She shrugged, used to the problem. They all were used to most of the problems in east end.

“Speaking of.” Fanny hopped off the steps for a second and fished a bottle from the pouch nailed to the side of her cart. Hopping back, she settled back besides Scrooge. “Want some big sister’s home brewed?” She wrinkled her nose, sniffing from the neck of the bottle. “ugh. I miss water more and more every day.”

“Me too.” Scrooge agreed. “I bet west-end pipes never get polluted like ours do.” He accepted the bottle from Fanny and sipped at the beer inside.[ii] It was not the strong kind that Fanny’s sister sold to the factory workers from her window, but the milder kind that wouldn’t get you more than tipsy, even if you drank a barrel. The taste was familiar to Scrooge, whose family diligently bought the overpriced milk in instances of the water going more foul than usual, and then gave that milk to Hortensia, who was the youngest. Downy was not particularly happy about it, but she had to be realistic about what they could and couldn’t afford. Still, Scrooge’s mother kept a strict policy of no laudanum[iii], no mercury, and gin only if you had a bad cough. She fussed about her children like that.

“hmmh. What are you going to do when you are rich?” Fanny asked. This was a game they both loved play in these companionable moments watching the west-end carriages together. Using the word when, instead of if. Pretending that moving from one social class to another was something which was not only easy and possible, but also acceptable. Like the entire society would not hate you, if you broke the greatest taboo of all, rejecting the class you were born into.

“I’m going to save our ancestral home.”

“Oh yes. I forgot.” Fanny laughed cheerfully. “You’re a little lord in disguise.”

“oh, shut it!” Scrooge shoved his friend. “I’m never gonna be like them!” A carriage again rolled past, carrying with it an older gentleman, who looked at the two children sitting on the steps, and then spat on their general direction. Fanny spat back, but the carriage had already rolled past them and disappeared from behind the corner.

“Honestly, you would think that they have nothing better to do than spit on the poor!” She hissed. “When I’m rich, I’m going to leave this city, and do so many interesting things, and not end up driving around the city just to show everyone how much better I am!” She sipped at her beer angrily.

“When I’m rich-“ Scrooge started, taking his number one dime from his pocket and rolling it on his fingers, “I’m going to tell everyone that it is better to work for your money than to inherit it. That it’s not the natural order, to stay in your place!”

“they’ll throw you to jail for that.” Fanny laughed.

“No, they won’t. I will be rich then. They never throw rich people to jail.”

They both laughed at that.

“Besides, I’m going to America. They say that things are different in there.”

“The priest says that all American’s are immoral. They let miners wear top-hats and-“ Here Fanny whispered “They marry outside their own class!”

It sounded scandalous. It sounded impossible. It sounded wonderfully wicked! Both children shared sly glances and laughed again, a conspiring laugh. For both of them, it was hard to imagine someone marrying outside their social-class. A year ago, there had been a scandal in the papers, when Lord. Dashwing’s daughter had gotten married to a gentleman, who had then turned out to be a son of an accountant! The engagement had been called off, the girl had been sent to a nunnery to repent her sins, and the accountant’s son had disappeared of to Paris.

“Well, they don’t have lords, so of course they are a bit different. I think I would like that. If there were no lords and lordlings driving around without anything to do, expect to spit on us.”

“there will always be lordlings spitting at us.” Fanny sighed, eyes looking faraway into the distance.

An awkward silence descended, and Scrooge bumped his shoulder against his friends to break her away from her mood.

“Hey. At least you will never have to marry one, there are always some upsides to the natural order.”

A surprised laugh escaped Fanny, and Scrooge felt successful.

“aw´hell no! I think I’ll settle for Friendship with some level-headed girl, like sis, and concentrate on opening my own shop”[iv]

“I’ll visit your shop when I come back from America, pockets full of gold, then.” Scrooge smiled, and hopped from the steps, collecting his shoe-shining kit into his hands. “I’ll have to go, Ma is waiting for me.”

 “I’ll see you tomorrow! And hey, that better be a promise McDuck!”

 Two years later Scrooge McDuck was one of the eight people attending Fanny Glenn’s funeral. The newspapers wrote a sensationalist tale about the tragedy of the girl who used to sell flowers on the marketplace, who seduced a young gentleman from the university into wickedness. How the girl had a brief prompt of insanity as she tried to seek out the worst kind of doctors, offering dangerous herbal remedies popular amongst the lower-class girls, and who finally died, poisoned, as the story had been related to the press by the weeping sister of the deceased.

Fanny’s sister had actually told the press that there had been something in the water again, which had made Fanny fatally ill, and could the city-council please do something to the pipes.

It was a much more boring story, and couldn’t even be used to teach the readers about morality, so it was ignored.    

 [i] During the 1800-century, prostitution in big cities reached never before, and never after, seen figures. In Glasgow alone, there were over 450 (accounted for) brothels in the middle of the nineteenth century. That is over twice more than there are Starbucks in New York today, and that is not even counting the army of girls who worked from their own homes, or on the streets. The point is, that a working-class boy who spent his days wandering the city streets, would have been running into sex-workers all the time.

[ii] The beer house act in 1830 allowed anyone to sell and brew beer freely, which exploded the beer market. The motive behind opening the beer business was the governments hope to steer the citizens away from harmful gin, and towards beer, which was seen to be a safe drink. Predictably, the price of beer was on all time low, if the quality was also debatable. Giving beer to children was also not such a taboo as it is today, and literature of the time describes boarding schools giving the children often a pint of beer to go with their bread.

[iii] Laudanum, a popular medicine found in almost every Victorian home, was made from opium mixed with either wine or water. It was used as aspirin is used today, and “mother’s friend” was a common way to refer to opium given to babies as a medicine.

[iv] Romantic feelings between two women were not seen as inherently wrong, it was the idea of sex that made the Victorians go into snits. But women were seen as entirely asexual creatures anyway, so the idea of two women in romantic relationship having sex would not even have crossed a gentleman’s mind. (Or, well, he wouldn’t have said it out loud.) But women did create strong “friendships” with each other, which included sending each other flowers, love letters, and even sometimes referring to each other as husband and wife. Did these romantic friends then have sex? Quite probably at least the working-class girls, who decided to live together and work, instead of marrying, might have dappled into a more sexual relationship, but nobody cared what working class girls were doing anyway.

For more info, I really advise you to read this article:

https://theyorkhistorian.com/2017/07/06/friendships-lesbianism-and-identity-in-victorian-britain/

[jonboudposts]

A Christmas Carol in a Time of Moral Bankruptcy

2018 marked the 175th year since the publication of A Christmas Carol. 2019 sees among other things a new BBC television adaptation and stage version at The Old Vic. Even if you have never read the book, chances are you are familiar with Charles Dickens’ story, or at least parts of it. The storytelling and the moral core are woven into the culture in Britain and America; the story of a man who lives to make money and dominate others finding out, during the course of one Christmas Eve, that his eternal soul will be damned if he does not changed his ways.

There are literally more versions than I can (be bothered) to count. From TV adaptations to classic films to stage productions to school plays; modern-day updates and cartoons; Alistair Sim, Albert Finney, Jim Carrey, Patrick Stewart and Scrooge McDuck have all played Ebenezer Scrooge.

But the reason I am writing this is to discuss the love and hate that this story brings out in me every year; there is nothing I am saying that as not been said before. Yet I feel compelled to say it still.

The story itself is easy to admire, built like so many stories by great writers on simple yet deep story-telling traits and character arcs. It is inventive, with the use of fantasy to push real life struggles into sharper contrast, promoting sympathy; empathy and sadness.

We have our favourite versions; I love the Muppets with Michael Cane giving genuinely I think one of his best performances (singing aside) and the TV version with Patrick Stewart; an underrated one that dials down the schmaltz and shows the hardness of poverty, with a tough performance by Stewart to match. His is a genuine transformation from vicious capitalist to caring human and a very physical one; as he goes from looking like a piece of flint to slowly softening his features as he grows into a better man.

Such performances are celebrated and cherished, making many of those lazy pointless lists every year of favourite past cultural thing you relive because we are incapable of making anything new.

But all of this is perhaps part of the problem I have with the story too. The way we can watch, cry even, at how someone can change their ways and then fail to do anything ourselves for the very people that Dickens wishes us to care about. The story was inspired when Dickens read an 1843 report describing terrible living and working conditions in the Industrial Revolution in Britain. He could read the same thing today and find a callous population sifting through piles of shit to find the pile that does not smell as bad, so they feel superior to each other.

In this world, we can clearly see real Scrooges, except unlike their fictional counterparts, they never learn nor change. They do not need to. Our society and the way culture is organised worships the rich and punish the poor for their perceived failure.

The rich are in fact totally cut off from humanity.

So why should these greedy bastards change? We are never going to make them. The real Scrooges utterly destroy our lives all year long; then expect every Christmas to put that aside and wish each other meaningless platitudes of good will.

The biggest enemy in the story is the carelessness fundamental to ignorance and the damaging power of want. It makes the most vulnerable what they are; victims.

While I do not think the original story of A Christmas Carol is meaningless sentimentality, I think too many experience it exactly that way; feeling elated at the goodwill at Christmastime vibe and stepping over the people in the street on your way out the theatre or cinema. In London for instance, you could attend a performance at a theatre like the King’s Head (formally in Islington) and step out to a modern London as lacking in human warmth as Dickens dreamt of. Up the road is the Union Chapel church, who run a winter shelter, providing food and shelter for those in need. Every year the church has a screening of that other hope-filled story for the season, It’s a Wonderful Life.

Modern Britain still likes to present A Christmas Carol every year despite it teaching us less and less and the years roll by. The world this story is now told in looks like this:

One and a half million people use foodbanks each year

More foodbanks across Britain than MacDonalds

1-in-3 children in poverty; that is 14 million Britons living in relative poverty

Growing benefit claimants in work

Reduction in life expectancy for the poorest

120,000 deaths of people thrown off benefits, including the disabled

The richest 1000 families resident in Britain, which includes bankers and financiers, have doubled their net worth during the austerity era.

Non-British children being charged for citizenship (since defeated in the court, no thanks to the British people).

To top it all, this information being widely known before the 2019 General Election and still the population gave the Conservatives a majority despite them causing all this misery.

Councils in some parts of the UK have embarked on clean up (or you might argue cleansing) campaigns targeting the homelessness in town centres with Public Space Protection Orders (PSPO); homeless people are routinely fined hundreds of pounds and in some cases sent to prison for the ‘repeat offence’ of asking for money. Local authorities in England and Wales have issued hundreds of fixed-penalty notices and pursued criminal convictions for “begging”, “persistent and aggressive begging” and “loitering” since gaining strengthened powers to combat antisocial behaviour in 2014, by Theresa May when she was Home Secretary. Rough sleepers are harassed and landlords (as Mr Scrooge was) have gained far greater powers to evict tenants sooner and with less reason.

Charities and solidarity organisations give the option to buy a coat or hat or gloves for a refugee or homeless person; they however are in no doubt this is a sticking plaster; the purchasers I am not so sure about. It reminds me of something Naomi Klein said about the present order insisting on finding some way to buy our way out of the problem; be it poverty or climate change or a bunch of other shit.

The party that our present Prime Minister leads contains MPs who openly admire the Victorian era and all the social wankery of top-hatted toffs passing the peasantry in the streets. Plus we have sociopathic self-haters like Priti Patel hovering over the Human Rights Act with a metaphorical knife.

Refugees are another group not afforded decency; we deny people their rights, violate those we pretend to give them; punish them for the crime of crossing a boarder and even threaten communities that protect them. The Conservative Party manifesto for 2019 targeted traveller communities with attacks on their rights, including increased powers to take their property.

A child will become homeless 'every eight minutes' in the UK (Shelter, Dec 2019) or suffer insecure accommodation; meanwhile schools have an average of five homeless children.

Ignorance for sure; want for the same people as ever; dire need for change not answered.

Our societies do not embrace those less fortunate than us; we blame them for their own predicament and indulge in poor hate. There seems no bracket of people we can rely on, as even children's writers like JH Rowling indulge in one of modern society's most vile vices, trans-hate.

The empathetic are a dying breed.

Around Christmas people will often give more to charity, commonly Crisis as they run their huge shelters over the festive period in various cities to feed and shelter the increasing numbers of homeless people across Britain. Keeping up with the state of poverty in general and homelessness in particular is no easy task. One reason is we forget about the needs of people the rest of the year and only the magic of Christmas makes them give a shit for a week. This is just liberal conscience-wash if you do not back it up with demands for change in the system, which the British public have just shown they are unwilling to do.

Yet the system – capitalism in the only form it really exists – is embodied by Ebenezer Scrooge. The end of the story is pretty clear; Scrooge stops being cold and heartless; he will no longer allow the market to run without interference. He rejects capitalism for something wholly more humane.

Much of the problem in A Christmas Carol, like It’s a Wonderful Life later on, is the dehumanising effects of capitalism. The individual change required in Ebenezer Scrooge is a rejection of his hardcore individualism and embracing the needs of others, to the point of saving the life of Tiny Tim; his banker counterpart Mr Potter must be defeated by George Bailey and his supporters (although like in the real world, Potter is never jailed). At the beginning of A Christmas Carol, Scrooge is a miserable man beset by loneliness and isolation. His nephew refuses to give up on him though, always inviting him from Christmas in his warm, happy home despite constant rejection by his uncle.

The rampant free market gave us Ebenezer Scrooge as an everyday occurrence, year round with no ghosts to haunt them into decency. In the real world, Ebenezer Scrooge does not change his character no matter what happens. He is Philip Green, who dodges taxes, sells off a business knowing it will collapse soon, tries to abandon paying staff their pensions and pours scorn on the elected officials trying to hold him to account for the way they look at him. Green in particular managed the near-impossible in 2018 of seeming even more repulsive, with revelations of abuse accusations from many former BHS staff; from bulling to sexual harassment along with homophobia and a general staggering lack of respect for his staff. He is scum and will never reform.

In the 1980s we had Scrooged, a non-traditional adaptation starring Bill Murray as Frank Cross, a ruthless TV executive whose every cruelty was rather too enjoyable, along with his abusive Ghost of Christmas Present giving him much-needed kicking.

At the end of the film, Cross invades the set of the live adaptation of A Christmas Carol that his over-worked staff are producing, proclaiming that the meaning or power of Christmas is how for one night a year ‘we become the people we always hoped we would be’; that is, we smile more and are nicer to each other. This sums up the 1980s very well and why progressive and socially just forces lost that particular war so badly. This piss-weak response to be a little nicer to each other is why people die in the street. The film is also an example of the age; doing all this good for one night a year (how 1980s).

In Michael Moore’s first film Roger and Me, we witness the General Motors chairman of the title Roger Smith at the GM Christmas party, giving a speech that includes extracts from A Christmas Carol. This is inter-cut with footage from Flint Michigan, the town devastated by GM when they outsourced their workforce to cheaper parts of the world. While this pompous twit quotes Dickens and the wonder of Christmas, a mother and her children are evicted. That scene says more about our culture than any other I can think of in any film.

It is well told but worth remembering that in 2008, when the perfect economic system crashed, the people were responsible were bailed out and did it all over again, with the consequences being completely directed toward the least responsible yet again. The horror this unleashed has never relented.

From a consumer perspective, Christmas never ends. As a postman, I deliver to people massive amounts every day and it is never enough. They answer the door, perfectly politely, take the packet(s) and discard them as they sign and/or shut the door. These wonderful items are given that much thought; just the latest play thing or dress up. Literally discarded before opening because this in one of many deliveries probably that day. I am nothing to them; just a cypher to bring their life a meaning it never gains; I used to like being part of a public service, keeping people connected and possibly educated; now I just feed an addiction. This hyper-consumption will bring the system down again and whose fault will it be this time?

A Christmas Carol’s message is one that every Christmas we seem to get further away from. It is used to stroke the egos of the guilty and make them think nothing else needs to be done. Just be a bit nicer to the people you ignore the rest of the year, maybe even slip them a fiver (although not your postman or other service provider anymore it seems). You do not challenge poverty and homelessness by simply not liking it or giving a bit of pocket change, just like you cannot challenge racism and sexism simply by existing in a certain position socially or economically. However you feel, someone is still sleeping on the concrete tonight.

A Christmas Carol is less a morality tale and more a fantasy; but for the consumer not the writer. In the Britain of 2019, we have no moral right to tell this story. No version should be staged; no adaptation on TV; no school play. It should not entertain, nor pander to the desires of selfish consumer-obsessed grown-babies to make them feel a little better. This country has just voted to make the poor suffer more; to keep the status of 1-in-3 children suffering poverty – which will grow – and destroy the National Health Service. Tiny Tim is just a failure and when he dies, we just move on.

You have no right to a Merry Christmas, nor to discuss god as anything other than a punchline. The fix is in and no one cares. Misery for all is the name of the game today and if you want better, you are a fantasist.

Britain is a horrible little shithole of a country. Mean and worthless, in love with a horrific dream of decrepit empire in a world becoming dangerously hot.

Merry Christmas? Fuck you and your family.