#we can always hash out actual details of their relationship later/as we go but the first thing to know about Hilda: she is a bad influence | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wienerbarnes · 4 years ago

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A Certain Romance (5/6)

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 2,039

Warnings: bit of angst

A/N: 👀👀👀 lol

MAIN MASTERLIST | A CERTAIN ROMANCE MASTERLIST

While he’s strapped into the same suit he keeps finding himself stuck in, the night doesn’t seem to be going as bad as he imagined.

He’s waiting for you to finish getting ready, you did your hair and makeup already, you just need to put on your shoes and jewelry, you’d told him.

He remembers how you weren’t one for fancy, over-the-top restaurants; you made it clear that very first date. It comforts him that while you’re always happy to see friends, you’re not exactly thrilled and he can rely on you if he wants to leave earlier rather than later.

He hears clicks down the hall get closer and closer and he glances over to look at you, a pocket of air catching in his throat that he holds back.

You’re wearing white and Bucky thinks you look like an angel. The sleeves are long and poofy at the shoulders, a tight neckline highlighting your cleavage, and a cinched waist that makes the dress look a little shorter than it is above your knees. Your skin is glowy from moisturizing after the shower you took earlier and images of what Bucky imagines you look like rubbing lotion on your smooth legs flash in his mind.

He hopes he’s not drooling.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer, stud.” You adjust a small strap at your ankle and he’s still trying to find something to respond, anything to stop him from gaping like a fish.

“You look beautiful.” Is all that comes out, and he knows it doesn’t do nearly enough justice to describe how you look.

“Thanks, Buck.” You tell him, visibly taken back at the lack of snark. You were expecting a little teasing, a bit of flirting to dip your toes into what the rest of the night will consist of. While Bucky’s never not complimented you, he does it often, as he does to all of his friends, but this was very… sincere. More sincere than usual.

He finally clears his throat to compose himself a little, “Are you ready to head out?”

You give him a nod and a gentle smile, walking with him to the door to exit. The walk to his car a block down isn’t far, and you laugh when Bucky offers you a piggyback ride, not knowing how you can walk in those - referring to your heels.

You can sense Bucky get a bit nervous in the car when the restaurant enters both of your lines of sight. You wrap an arm through the loop his own arm creates with his forearm resting on the middle console, your hand sliding up to gently squeeze his thick bicep, your other arm resting on top of the curve of his elbow.

“Don’t worry, if the place is too lame, I’ll say my heel’s busted and we can try and leave early.”

“Yeah, you’ll cut through that little stick on the bottom of your shoe with the butter knife?”

“Mhm,” You hum, “And leave Sam with the bill.”

He laughs at that, and laughs more when you follow up with, “I forgot my wallet by the way.”

It’s sooner rather than later that the car is parked and you two arrive outside the Italian restaurant Sam picked. He made sure to look it up this time beforehand, with your help, of course, and sees that while the restaurant is still a bit too fancy for his taste, it’s not nearly as bad as the last one he went to where he met you.

“I know you can’t get drunk, but I’m going to play a little game where I drink every time someone in here does something embarrassingly snooty.” You whisper to him, still holding onto his arm, as the waiter leads you two to the table where Sam and his date are waiting.

“You’ll blackout before the appetizer, I wouldn’t try it.” Bucky begins, but after a second thought, “Actually, maybe if you’re drunk we can leave sooner, drinks for you will be on me.”

You giggle quietly into his arm and shut yourself up as you finally arrive at the table, Sam and his date standing to greet you both.

Kisses are planted on everyone's cheeks and introductions are given out as everyone takes their seat. You sit across from Sam on Bucky’s right, his hand holding yours on your thigh. He’s not sure if he’s holding it for show, if Sam and his date can even see them holding hands, or if he’s holding your hand because he likes the feeling of your skin under his hand.

He knows the answer.

The calamari and salads are Bucky’s friend as it makes less time for talking, everyone enjoying the food. While waiting on the main dishes, though, Sam’s date, a very kind and beautiful woman, asks him the question he’s been dreading.

“So, how are you guys? Sam tells me you guys are a new couple, I love all the gushy details.”

The gushy details, she’s perfect for Sam.

“We met on one of Sam’s set-up dates, actually, and just hit it off pretty well. Nothing more to tell.” You answer, thankfully, and keep it short and sweet, hopefully enough information to change the subject.

“Oh, c’mon, y’all can do better than that.” Sam teases, a sly smile on his face.

To him, he’s teasing his friends about finally finding love after swearing against it. But, to you and Bucky, you’re being forced to tell a story you don’t know. You and Bucky should’ve hashed out some details before this, you think.

Bucky’s not the greatest liar, so he just decides to be honest.

“Well, when we met, neither of us were really looking to date anybody. We were both in a place where we didn’t feel ready for a relationship yet, but we gave it a try with each other anyway. And…” He pauses, putting his thoughts together.

“I was surprised. By her kindness, by her humor, by the way she comforts me, by the way she understands me. I expected another failed relationship, another person that either got tired of me or got fed up with who I am and the baggage I come with. But the failure never came.

“Instead I got this amazing girl, who has just as much baggage as I do and I get to accept it with open arms. I got someone who’s healed me a lot more than she knows.”

He’s sweating, and he reaches for the glass of wine at his side, fixing to do something with his hands and his mouth. Your hand is still in his on your lap, grip a bit looser now, though, and he feels your eyes on him. He’s too scared to look.

“See? That’s the kinda lovey-dovey shit I’m talking about.” Sam jokes, a bright smile on his face at the sight of his two friends, raising his glass towards the middle of the table, everyone else’s joining in a second after.

“That’s real sweet,” His date chirps, “You guys really do look in love. I’m happy for y’all.”

The entrees arrive but Bucky’s no longer hungry.

The drive home has been silent. You’ve been quiet since leaving the restaurant and bidding goodbye to Sam and his date, only holding onto his arm until the two of you were out of their sight. Unlike the walk to the restaurant, where you were whispering in his ear, clutching onto his arm, you didn’t even glance his way.

He feels like he’s about to suffocate in the car.

“Are you okay?” His voice breaks the silence.

You’re quiet for a moment before answering his question with one of your own, “What… what was that back there?”

“It was eggplant ravioli, that’s why it looked a little -”

“Bucky.”

He realizes playing dumb isn’t going to work in this situation. Of course it wouldn’t, you’re way too smart for that.

“What you said… seemed a little too... real.” You finally get out.

His mouth opens and closes again when he realizes he doesn’t have a response. It seemed real because it was real. His face appears to give away his thoughts because the second you look over at him, he’s caught. You sigh and raise your hands to cover your face in frustration.

“Bucky, the whole reason we did this in the first place was because we didn’t want a relationship! That was the whole point!” You say, your voice rising.

“I know that was the whole point,” He says, voice calmer than yours, but his resolve quickly fading as embarrassment floods his body.

“Then?!”

“Then, I didn’t do it on purpose! I didn’t mean to catch feelings, but I did!” He yells.

“Bucky, I -”

“Yeah, I know you don’t want a relationship and don’t feel the same. Don’t worry, I’ll get over it.” He snaps, voice harsh, harsher than he’s ever used on you before.

More silence.

He wants to cry. He feels so embarrassed, and so angry at himself. Why did he say that at dinner? He could’ve lied, he could’ve downplayed it a little more, he could’ve not said anything at all and let you take the reins. Instead he all but confessed his feelings for you in front of your friends.

And if that’s not enough, the argument in the car only makes him feel more embarrassed, the conversation playing over and over in his head as a reminder of much you don’t want him; of how much nobody wants him.

His jaw clenches as he swallows the lump in his throat and he sees you in his peripheries sneak a glance at him.

He couldn’t have pulled up outside your apartment building sooner.

“I’m sorry,” He says after clearing his throat. He uses the last bit of dignity he has left to try and mend at least a few of the pieces.

“Can - can we just forget about it? Please?” He asks, his heart begging for you to agree. He can deal with the unrequited feelings as long as you stick around.

“Bucky, I… I just need some time. To think. About all of this. I just - I can’t be around you knowing you’re in love with me. I’m sorry.” You step out of the car before he can respond, and his eyes close as the door shuts, leaving him alone in the car.

He hears the beeps of the buttons at your door and then a distant click, and he doesn’t have to look up from his hands in his lap to know you made it inside.

He doesn’t drive away yet, though. He looks up at the roof of his car to try and stop the watering of his eyes and lets out a harsh sigh.

He eventually puts the car in drive again and roughly grabs the wheel, taking himself home, unaware that you watched him from the apartment building lobby.

The first thing he sees when he steps into his own apartment is a small plant that you brought him a few days ago. It sits on a small table he has by the door next to a dish for both sets of his keys.

In a moment of anger he grabs the potted plant and throws it as hard as he can across the room, shattering against a cabinet door in his kitchen in front of him.

“Shit,” He curses, going quickly to the kitchen to begin picking up the broken ceramic.

He separates the pieces of ceramic and cups his hands around the dirt to try and put it into a pile for him to transfer into another cup of some kind. A tear hits the side of his palm and he scoffs, annoyed at himself.

“Why the fuck are you crying, it’s just a fucking stupid plant,” He mumbles, voice cracking.

He sees the roots untangled from one another and ripped in some places. The plant is going to die, regardless if he puts it in another pot or gives it all the water in the world. No amount of care will save it.

He sniffs and drops the plant back on the ground, slumping back and leaning against the bottom cabinet under his sink.

“Fuck.” He says to himself, hand coming up to his face to wipe away stray tears.

#bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes series #bucky barnes au #marvel #:(

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minimitchell · 4 years ago

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callumhighwayweek day 6 - “I’m glad I met you.” (ao3 link)

“Ben, can you please sit down? You’re making me nervous.”

Callum watches Ben heave out a heavy breath, letting himself fall into the chair next to him. The seats they’re in are incredibly uncomfortable and sitting in them for longer periods of time makes his butt go all numb so he could use a walkabout himself, but he also doesn’t want Ben to get even more nervous than they both already are.

They’ve been here for hours now. So long that Callum has memorized every single little detail of the room by now. He can point out every crack in the walls, every pamphlet that’s a little too crooked in the display case on the far wall, can tell you all about the way the big clock’s minute hand stops right before the twelve and then has to rush to catch up again.

The baby pink of the walls around them doesn’t prove to be quite as soothing as he thinks the NHS would’ve hoped it would be, and as soon as Ben’s back in his seat, he starts shaking his leg up and down in nervous anticipation.

When they first got here nearly four hours ago, they had thought it wouldn’t be a long wait. After an hour with no new developments, Callum got up to get them both some coffee, what with it nearing one in the morning at that point. It tasted like shit but at least they felt marginally more awake afterwards.

It’s more the nerves keeping them awake anyways. The uncertainty is hard to wade through and now, after three more hours of complete standstill, Ben’s nerves are completely fried. To an outsider Callum is probably looking much calmer than Ben is but that really isn’t the case at all. He keeps wringing his hands together, twisting and turning the white gold band sitting on his left ring finger.

At first, they kept having to send texts to the few family members that decided to stay up with them. But as the clock passed two in the morning, Ben told his mum to go to bed with the promise that they’d call if they had any news.

Callum is beginning to think they could still be hours away from that though.

“God, I hate waiting. Not knowing what’s happening, it’s driving me insane.”

Callum reaches over to lay one of his hands on Ben’s knee, stilling the bouncing with one well-placed touch. He’s so incredibly thankful he’s had Ben next to him these last few months but right now his husband does nothing to calm Callum’s own nerves.

He’d even go as far as saying he wouldn’t have made it without him but he knows the same goes for Ben. Thank god they had each other through it all; always alternating between who’s the nervous one and who’s calming the other.

“I know, babe. You’re the most impatient person I know. And that includes Lexi.”

It’s definitely true. Ben’s never been good at the whole patience and waiting on things aspect of life but it’s not like they were able to speed things up with this whether they wanted to or not; bound to a mixture of science and nature from start to finish.

He’s gotten better over the years though. Callum likes to think him and Lexi have done wonders in smoothing out many of Ben’s rougher edges and he’s definitely better than he was years ago when they met - in almost every aspect of his life.

As is Callum, needless to say.

“At least we know she’s alright. They’d tell us if something was wrong, right?”

“Of course they would.”

Callum didn’t think he’d be this nervous when the time finally came but the second they got the phone call last night he’d started panicking. They might’ve had over six months to actively prepare for this moment but now that it’s actually happening, it’s even scarier than Callum ever imagined it would be.

Because this is about his baby, their baby, being born a few rooms away from here.

They had started talking about it a little after getting married and moving into their own place. Callum loves the little family of three they had before they decided to have another kid, but he couldn’t stop the wish of his own child with Ben slowly brewing in his chest. It kept festering until he just blurted it out one day at lunch, much to Ben’s surprise.

After that, it was mostly about figuring out if they can afford it, about what their options are and whether they feel ready to have a baby. It wasn’t an easy journey but now, over one and a half years later, they’re finally here; finally about to meet their little girl.

Ben tangles their fingers together on his thigh, squeezing Callum’s hand in his. It’s his own personal way of letting Callum know he needs him right now, so he pulls Ben into his chest, letting him tuck his head under Callum’s chin. His free hand comes to rest on Callum’s stomach, gripping the hoodie he’s thrown on before they drove to the hospital.

“Bit mad, innit. That we got here, how we got here.”

It brings a smile to his lips, because it really is a bit mad. How they went from being at each other’s throat to happily married. How Callum went from being so deeply closeted to expecting a baby with his husband. It’s crazy to think how much his life has changed since he moved to Walford - and that’s mostly down to the man right next to him.

“Hm. I wouldn’t have believed it when we first kissed.”

Internalized homophobia and denial aside, Callum doesn’t think he would’ve ever thought Ben Mitchell was the type to settle down and get married. And Callum wouldn’t have thought he would settle down with Ben either, not at that time at least, but here they both are. Ben likes to call it a happy coincidence but to Callum it’s nothing less than fate.

“Some night that was, eh.”

“First night I felt really free.”

Ben shifts under him, turning his head so he can look up into Callum’s eyes, face soft and eyes gentle as he regards Callum. They’ve talked a lot about that night during the course of their relationship. About what it meant for them respectively, how it basically kickstarted Callum’s coming out, how it was the start of Ben slowly falling for him.

They don’t need to hash it out again but it’s always nice to remember how much that night meant to both of them; how much it still means even after years of making memories together.

“You freed me too. Saved me from myself, didn’t you.”

Ben’s finger keeps running over the cold metal of Callum’s ring, gliding from left to right and back again. Callum has noticed him doing that a lot, when they’re laying in bed at night or lounging on the couch in front of the TV, their hands tangled together and fingers dancing over each other’s skin almost absentmindedly.

The meaning behind the gesture makes him emotional every time he sees Ben doing it. It almost feels like Ben does it to remind himself that this is real; that they’re joined for life because they truly love each other.

Suddenly, it becomes the most important thing to let Ben know he does.

“Love you.”

Ben’s expression softens even further, leaning up a little to press a soft, chaste kiss to Callum’s lips. Callum runs his forefinger over the soft skin of Ben’s throat and up his chin, dropping his hand again when Ben leans back down.

It still knocks Callum for six to know that Ben is his; that he gets to share his life with this man, have a family with him and make him happy every single day of their life. He’s been supportive of every choice Callum makes and it hasn’t been any different with this.

There were a lot of nights sleep hadn’t found Callum because he was too busy worrying about being a dad to a newborn baby. He hadn’t come into Lexi’s life until she was already her own little person, how could they be sure he won’t mess their kid up. Ben had heard him out each and every time though, had reassured him that he was a natural dad and promised him they would figure this all out together.

It’s only because of Ben he feels ready to be here.

Ready to finally hold his baby girl in his arms.

“You can take a quick nap if you want. I’ll wake you if anything happens.”

As if on cue, a tired yawn claws itself out of Ben’s mouth and he drops his head back down onto Callum’s chest, nose buried in the soft, grey fabric of Callum’s hoodie. It’s past four o’clock now and they haven’t slept a bit since getting up for work yesterday morning, but he also knows that Ben is as stubborn as ever and there’s no way he’ll go to sleep now - not when they’re waiting with bated breath for their baby.

“Don’t wanna. Just wanna see our baby. I wanna know if she has your cute nose and your pretty dimples. God, I hope she has your eyes.”

“I hope she has yours. Hopefully your ears as well.”

Their laughter is barely audible in the waiting room, just soft huffs shared in the little space between them. They didn’t want to know who the biological father is going to be; it didn’t matter to them. Besides, speculating is too much fun anyway. And really, as long as their baby is happy and healthy, it doesn’t matter to them.

“I’m glad I met you. I’m glad we can sit here today, even if we’re both dead tired, and wait for our baby to be born. Glad we got here in the end.”

He can feel Ben press a kiss to his chest, squeezing the hands still linked together on Ben’s thigh to let Callum know he feels the same way. They don’t need words, they never did.

“Mr. and Mr. Mitchell?”

They look over at the nurse at the same time, Ben’s head darting up from Callum’s chest and straightening his back. The woman has a kind smile on her face and just seeing her after the many hours of waiting they’ve done already, calms something in Callum’s stomach.

“Yeah?”

“Are you ready to meet your new baby?”

The big smile on her face must be mirrored on both his and Ben’s as well and she waits for them to get up from their seats before she beckons them to follow her down the corridor. Callum sees Ben blow out a deep breath beside him and he reaches his hand back out to him, smiling when their hands clasp back together like two magnets finding one another.

He can feel his heart hammering inside his chest, the nervousness coming back to him full force all of a sudden, but he knows it’s going to be alright as long as Ben is by his side.

It always is.

#chweek2021 #callumhighwayweek2021 #ballum fic #my writing #apparently day 6 is future family fic day with these prompts for me

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stiltonbasket · 4 years ago

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Twelve Moons and a Fortnight wrap-up Q & A!

(brief note that this post does contain spoilers, so don’t click past the cut unless you’ve finished reading!)

1. Hi Stilton! I love you and TMAAF! The way you write the letters really feels organic and like people writing letters to other people in a time where communication wasn't instantaneous and thats a pet peeve I have with some fics that treat letters like text. I don't know if you've been asked this but what's your inspiration for the letters? Did you just make them up as they are? Did you look at old letters and studied the tone? @iwillbetrash4eva

I made the letters up as they are, but it was essential for me to keep in mind that the characters are all highly educated, and that Lan Wangji, Wei Wuxian, and Nie Huaisang in particular are very accomplished in the arts. Letters written by someone who composes music and poetry in their spare time aren’t going to be the same as emails and text messages written for the sake of raw information transfer, so I made sure to incorporate that into the letters; they’re written on pretty paper, usually in the sender’s best calligraphy, and it takes time to sit down and write them, so there’s an aspect of aesthetic reflection there that we rarely notice in modern communication.

I also felt that the characters would include snapshots of their lives and feelings while writing; this was more important with Wei Wuxian, since he throws himself so deeply into his daily life, but I also had to remember how important the past is to all of the characters and how enmeshed it is with their relevant current events. Ultimately, each letter serves as an extra look into the characters’ state of mind, which is something the narrative might not give us.

2. What was your favorite scene in TMAAF, and which OC was the most fun to write? @keela1221

My favorite scene was Wei Wuxian’s departure from Lotus Pier in chapter 46, especially the part when everyone chased after him! I planned it several months in advance (sometime last summer, I think?) so finally getting to write it felt amazing.

Surprisingly, my favorite original characters to write (besides the main additions of Xiao-Yu, Yu Zhenhong, and Li Shuai) were the Jiang juniors. They love their Wei-zongzhu so much ;~;

3. What made you think of writing this fic? And would you consider a special epilogue because I don't think 50 chapters were nearly enough for me.❤ @avezevin

I think I just wanted to speculate about what cultivation politics might have been like after Jin Guangyao died, and TMAAF was born! And I most likely will be posting an epilogue, since I realized that the Zhenqing wedding works best as a coda instead of as a fic of its own.

4. what's your research process for tmaaf? the worldbuilding is so detailed!!

I read posts on tradition and culture and use them as sources if the chance ever comes along. A significant portion of the lore was entirely made up, but @light8828 helped me with some of the language, and offered so much guidance on cultivation worldbuilding <3

5. I really like the way you write the dynamic between Wei ying and lan zhan with their kids in all your stories. Xiao-Yu is a very lovable character and his relationship with his parents is something I go back to read many times. What do you use as inspiration when writing his, or any of his siblings, relationship with their parents?

Real life, I guess. Some of my older friends have recently had children, and they’re very good parents. :3

6. Where will you be going with the series? I need to prepare myself for heartbreak if the end is approaching, (its ok if you dont know tho! Idk is an optimistic answer, its just that you seem to have many things plotting away in that brain of yours)

Up next, I’m going to finish all the fics in the series that are still in progress, and then I’m going to write Lan Xichen’s fic, maybe a fic from Wen Qing’s point of view, a fic focusing on a reincarnated Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen, and a fic from Jin Yun’s POV focusing on his relationship with LXC and the latter’s death and ascension. This doesn’t count all the fluffy wangxian oneshots still bubbling on the back burner, so I expect this series to keep me busy well into 2022. *sweats*

7. TMAAF Q&A: when did you decide you were bringing wen qing back? what led you to making her return a result of the soul-summoning array, rather than having her have survived by some other method? @mischief7manager

I decided that Wen Qing would be returning sometime between chapters 12 and 15, since that was when I knew I wanted her to be the one to cure Wei Wuxian. And as much as I liked the idea of Wen Qing surviving, I didn’t want her to be imprisoned for the 16-year interim; it was important that she appear in TMAAF as she was before her death rather than having over a decade of character development off-screen. But she wasn’t a fierce corpse that could just be put to sleep for all that time, hence the soul-summoning.

8. For the Q&A: Stilton, how did you come up with such an adorable perfect little child like Xiao-Yu?? You write him so well it really does seem like it’s a child talking!! @whereisyourcahier

He’s partly based on a real baby I know. :P It might sound impossible, but he’s even cuter than Xiao-Yu is.

9. Thank you for doing this Q&A! Was Xiao Yu always part of the story? (Ilhim so much!!)

He was! I always wanted Wangxian to experience parenthood together, so Xiao-Yu’s entry was planned long before he actually appeared in the fic.

10. how did you deal with any writers block that came up?

By reading comments!! I have all of you to thank for that <3<3!!!!!!

11. What was the process for plotting each arc of tmaaf? & when did you decide on what the storyline was going to be? Did you know when you started or did you incorporate stuff as you wrote?

I hashed out the whole plot at once sometime last May, and that was when I laid down the rough storyline. The overall plot was finalized by the time chapter 18 went up, though I did add further details as I went along. In particular, the mini-arc of Wei Wuxian investigating the Yangshuo plague was mostly written on the fly.

12. how long have you been planning the wen qing lang xiyan reveal? has it been something set in stone from the start?

I’ve been planning it since last April, though the exact circumstances weren’t clear until around August or September. Originally, Jiang Cheng was going to ask “Lang Xiyan” to marry him after her mourning period was over, only for her to reveal herself as Wen Qing before accepting, but I soon realized that this wouldn’t fit either of their characters. Wen Ning recognizing her was the only way the reveal made sense (both emotionally and logically) so I had to find a reason to bring him to Yunmeng at exactly the right time.

13. I just want to ask two little things (well three). Where we will be able to read the wedding of baby Zizhen and A-Qing? Will there be Chengqing? And with the last question, if it's yes, will you write a one shot, drabble or something like that?? 🥺🥺🥺

I’m going to post a 51st chapter to TMAAF with the Zhenqing wedding as an epilogue, and Jiang Cheng and Wen Qing are married by then! Wen Qing will most likely be getting a fic of her own, focusing on the time between her revival and her engagement to Jiang Cheng.

14. I just finished reading your fic and let me tell you it's one of the best I have ever had the pleasure to read :) For someone who wants to start writing, how did you start the story? Did you wrote everything with a little scheme or you just leave your brain to work in the document?

I wasn’t planning to write fic for MDZS/CQL at all, and then I randomly ended up outlining, drafting, and posting the first chapter of TMAAF within the span of around two hours. When starting a story, I think it works best for me to just let my brain work in the document without worrying too much about how it might turn out--outlines and schemes tend to come later, after I’ve gotten a feel for how the characters act and laid down some dead-basic worldbuilding.

If you’re just starting out, make sure you’re having fun and that everything you write is as self-indulgent as possible! Enjoying the process is the most important thing, worrying about all the specifics can come later. <3

#wangxian #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #twelve moons and a fortnight #q&a #asks

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myhockeyworld87 · 5 years ago

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Nervous Regrets - Tyler Seguin - Part 19

Word Count: 3614

POV: Tyler

Warnings: language

Notes: Sorry this took so long, it was suppose to be posted yesterday and what can I say, things got hectic. It’s the holidays and unfortunately that happens more than I’d like. Hope you guys enjoyed your Thanksgiving holiday if you’re in the US; and that you got lots of Black Friday shopping done. As always feedback is welcomed. Peace Love and Hugs All! Also I posted this from my phone, because I still have internet problems, I’ll get the keep reading in there later when I can put it on my laptop.

TYLER’S POV

You had no idea what had gotten into you the day before, but as you drove to the airport the entire day replayed in your head. An overwhelming need to make (Y/N) yours had just overcome you. Deep down you knew she wasn’t leaving, that she would never cheat on. All you can say is that when you saw Jamie’s hands on her baby bump you lost it. Speaking of Jamie, you owed your friend an apology; so, as you boarded the plane, you took a seat beside him.

Jamie, raised his eyes at you; as you sat down. “Look man, I need to apologize for yesterday. I was a complete ass.”

“You think?” It was a deserving response. “Wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t even know where it came from, just know it wasn’t you.” You blew out a breath. If you were going to talk to someone about it; it might as well be Jamie. “I don’t like leaving her, you know?” He nodded, though said nothing. “I’ve been scared to death ever since the accident. Like I’ll just wake up one day and she won’t be there.”

“Tyler…”

You stopped him. “Let me finish. I know yesterday it was completely irrational, but when I saw you touching the baby; I just snapped. And not that you would ever take (Y/N) from me, I know you wouldn’t do that, and neither would she. It’s just someone could you know.” Jamie gave you that glare, the one that said you couldn’t be more wrong. “I know, I know. It sounds crazy.”

“Yes, it does. That woman is crazy about you Segs. She just lights up when you’re in the room.” A smile touched your lips as you thought about coming up behind (Y/N) and wrapping your arms around her. She truly did glow when that happened. “And you know I’m teasing when I say, I’m going to take her away from you.”

“I know and its fine, it truly is.”

“As long as you know I’m just kidding with you.” You did. It was other people you worried about. That she’d go back to work and some high-profile client would whisk her away; or she’d meet some guy at the damn coffee shop or something. Someone who was probably way more deserving of her, than you were.

“I was a damn wreck last night.” A quizzical look crossed Jamie’s face. “You know, when (Y/N) and I were.” You shrugged giving him that you know what I mean look.

“Woah Seggy, I don’t need to hear about yours and (Y/N)’s sex life.”

“Don’t worry I’m not giving you all the details or anything. It was just….nevermind.” Why you were even confiding in Jamie about any of this, you didn’t know.

“Just tell me Segs. You know you can tell me anything.”

You hesitated, then decided this was one of your best friends and well you needed to hash this out. “It’s a bit embarrassing.” Dropping your voice down to a whisper you said. “I cried. Like full on sobbed.” Jamie looked at you, no judgement in his eyes; just concern. “We were in the middle of…it. And I made her promise to never leave me. Then I lost it when she did.”

You could see Jamie struggling with finding the right words to say. “Look man, I’m not going to pretend to know what you’re going through, because I can’t. What I can say, is that it’s normal. Segs, you guys have been through a lot. I mean like a lot of shit. It’s not surprising that you’re feeling this way. I think things are just finally catching up with you.” When you didn’t say anything right away, Jamie continued. “You know, she’s finally going to games and doing stuff with all the girls. The two of you officially moved back in together, in a new house. It’s kind of natural that your mind would be waiting for the shoe to drop per se.”

You let Jamie’s words absorb into your brain. He was right, everything had been going so well; you just figured something bad was bound to happen. But there was something more, something that was off or missing. “Maybe you’re right; I am waiting for the something to go wrong.” Replaying the events of last night again in your mind, something stuck out; that overwhelming need for her to promise to never leave you. It hit you then, you knew exactly what both your mind and heart needed to be confident in your relationship with (Y/N).

“Oh no, I’ve seen that look before. What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking I just solved all my problems.” Jamie waited for you to continue. “I’m going to ask her to marry me. Like officially ask her, with a ring and everything.”

“Well it’s not the craziest thing you’ve ever said to me; and she did agree to the house. Which I never thought would happen. So, what’s the plan?”

“I don’t know. I just decided that was the answer.” You’d made mention of marriage before, she’d always said you needed more time; but after yesterday, you didn’t think that time was much of a factor anymore. “Well I need to get a ring first.”

“Well, that shouldn’t be hard; you’ve been looking since you met her.” It was true; there would be times a couple months after you started dating that your eye would be drawn to rings in the jewelry store. You actually had one in mind; though you didn’t know if it existed. It wouldn’t take much to contact your jeweler and see if it could be made.

“You’re right, I do know what I want. Ok, so let’s assume that part’s done. When do I do it, Thanksgiving, Christmas?” Christmas would be far off, but you could have all your family there; you knew (Y/N) would like that.

“Do you know nothing of women? For as many as you’ve dated in your life, I would think you would have somewhat of a clue.” You gave him a look, now was not the time to be talking of all the conquests you’d had in the past. Not when you planned on spending the rest of your life with the only woman that mattered, (Y/N). “You can’t ask her on a holiday. Women want it to be something special, a day that’s only for them. That they can gush to all their friends about.”

Jamie was right, you needed to make this special for (Y/N). You wanted it to be a day that you told your children about. “Ok, you’re right Chubbs.” A plan started to formulate in your mind. “I think I’ve got an idea.” The rest of the flight you and Jamie mapped out the perfect proposal. All that was left, was to set it into motion.

Conveniently you were headed to Toronto, so you were able to snag an appointment with the Jeweler when you landed. By the end of the meeting, he had the ring of your dreams down on paper. If it turned out half as well as what he drew, it would take (Y/N)’s breath away. The biggest problem now, was that it wouldn’t be done for a couple weeks. Which meant, that with your schedule; you wouldn’t be able to propose until the first week in December. While it was somewhat disappointing to wait that long; you felt a weight lifted off of you knowing that plans were set into motion.

It was hard to contain your excitement when you facetimed (Y/N) that night. “Hey baby, how was the first day back to work?”

“Exhausting. I forgot how many interruptions happen during the day at the office. I seriously got more done working at home.”

“Awww, I’m sorry hun. I’m sure everyone was just excited you were back.” She chuckled a bit at that comment. “You know I missed you when I left today. I think I got used to you being at home.”

“Honestly, I missed being there. And I miss not being there in Toronto with you and the family.” There was a frown on her face. You knew she would’ve traveled to Ontario with you, if she hadn’t been off work so much. “How is everyone? Did you tell them I missed them?”

You had told them much more than that, but (Y/N) didn’t need to know that. “They’re great. They all miss you as well. Mom went crazy and bought a bunch of baby clothes. They probably won’t all fit in my suitcase.”

“Oh my god, show me.” Switching the camera around on the phone, you took each outfit out of the bag letting (Y/N) see them. “Awww, that’s so cute…Oh I think that one’s my favorite…No, it’s definitely that one. I’m going to send her out a thank you card tomorrow for them.”

Camera facing you now, you told her, “Babe, you don’t have to do that. You know she’s in her glory buying these things. She also said she mailed you something called a Boppy. It’s some kind of pillow for you to sleep with. I told her that was totally unnecessary as you have me.”

She laughed, the sound was music to your ears; it made you long to hold her in your arms. “I totally wanted one of those.” You frowned at her words. “It’s for when I’m like super pregnant. You probably won’t want to touch me then.”

“I doubt that. I want to touch you all the time. I can only imagine how sexy you’re going to be all round with our baby inside you. I’m not going to be able to keep my hands off you.”

“Oh stop, you’re just trying to make me feel better.”

“I’m not. You have no clue how fucking much it turns me on.” You were being one hundred percent sincere with her. Even now, though her bump was small, it was a huge turn on for you. Thoughts of (Y/N) being heavily pregnant with your baby, just sort of made you want her even more. “Oh and before I get to turned on, Cass and Candance are thinking of coming down to visit in a couple weeks; if you’re ok with it.”

“You don’t need to ask me to have them come.”

“Yes, I do, it’s your house too.”

“Well our house is always open to your family. I love having them here and this time we’ll actually be able to do things; as long as work doesn’t get in the way.”

She seemed down on work today. You knew it was only her first day back; but you found yourself saying. “You know, you can always quit, if you want.” It was never a topic that you’d brought up with (Y/N); though you hoped she knew it was an option.

“You think I should quit?”

From her tone you couldn’t tell if she was upset at you for suggesting it; or totally intrigued by the idea. “Look, only if you want to. I know you like having your own money and all; I guess I’m just thinking down the road, you know when the baby is born. Are you going to want to go back to work after that?”

By the look on her face, she was truly grappling with that question. “I mean we haven’t really talked about that yet. But I would like to stay with the baby at least a little longer than the six weeks the company gives. But you could be right, I may not want to go back at all.” She was thinking some more. “I have a hard-enough time leaving the dogs with a sitter; I don’t know how I’ll be leaving the baby with someone. Oh, fuck this is a problem.”

You laughed at her. “Well you wouldn’t be leaving the baby with a sitter all the time. I’ll be there from time to time. Look babe, you don’t have to make a decision now. Just know it’s an option. You can quit whenever you want. As for the money situation, we’ll work that out. Just think about what you want to do. You’ve got options.”

“I know and thank you, for loving me and letting this be my decision. Did I tell you yet how much I love you?”

“I’m pretty sure you haven’t mentioned that just yet. But I love you as well and miss the hell outta ya.” If she quit, she could be here with you now, or at least the next trip that you’d be making here. It would now be an idea you’d push for whenever you got the chance.

“I miss you too. It’s weird being in this house alone. Especially since we only got to spend a couple nights here together.”

“Awww, is someone lonely.” She shook her head yes. “I wish I was there babe. This long road trip is killer, but I know how we could pass the time.” You wiggled your eyebrows suggestively at her through the phone.

“Tyler Seguin, you’re incorrigible.”

“And yet you still love me.” She rolled her eyes at you, but was smiling the whole time; that was until you saw her wince in pain. “Babe are you alright? Is it the baby?”

She laughed then and some of the tension you immediately felt subsided. “Only this baby.” She turned the camera at Gerry, who had evidently jumped up on the bed and was now sprawled out across her legs. Gerry looked as happy as could be. “His nail dug into me. When’s the last time you had them trimmed?”

“What, is that suppose to be my job now?” In all honesty, you couldn’t remember the last time.

“No worries I have appointments for them this week, so I’ll have it done then.”

Since the opportunity presented itself, you said. “See hun, it’s a full-time job just taking care of me and the dogs.” It couldn’t hurt to plant little seeds here and there, about quitting work.

“Trust me, I know it is. But on that note, you have a game tomorrow and I still have work.” You frowned at her, it seemed like the two of you just got to talk; you weren’t ready for her to hang up just yet. “Make sure you call me tomorrow before the game.”

“You know I will babe, but do you have to hang up just yet? Can’t we just fall asleep together on the phone like old times?” When you had first started dating and would be on a road trip, it was something that happened almost every night.

She snuggled down into the covers of your new bed, then held the phone close to her face. “I think I can manage that. As soon as these three decide where they’re going to sleep.” You watched the dogs settle down, then settled yourself under the duvet.

“You’re so beautiful (Y/N).” It was true, you’d always loved seeing her like this; no makeup, hair in disarray, just lying in your bed. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more.” She blew a kiss at you through the phone, then closed her eyes. Soon the sound of her even breaths lulled you to sleep.

In the morning, when you woke, the phone was buried somewhere in the sheets and it took a minute to find it. You went to morning skate, then met up with the family for lunch; where you all mostly talked about your upcoming engagement. They wanted to know every detail, which was difficult since there was still an enormous amount of planning to do. It was your mom who pointed out one huge flaw in your plan. “Have you asked (Y/N)’s dad if you can marry her?” Your face must have given away your answer, for in her next breath she said. “Oh Tyler, how could you forget something so important?”

“It wasn’t like I forgot; I just haven’t done it yet.”

“Oh please, don’t try and fool us. You forgot, plain and simple brother.” Why did Cassidy always have to point out your mistakes?

“How am I going to ask him?”

“I would start with, ‘Can I marry your daughter?’ but that’s just me.”

“You’re such a smartass, Cass. What I meant was when am I going to get the chance? I’m on the road for the next what seven days; then her parents are on some trip that they won or something. I’m cutting it close on time.” Their blessing was important, not only to (Y/N) but to you as well. “Do you think it’s something you can ask over the phone?”

“If that’s your only option, then I think that’s what you should do; and soon darling. I’m sure you’d planned on them being there as well.”

Your mom was right, you had planned on her whole family being there; along with your friends. “Then it looks like I’ll be making a phone call later.” After the game, you found yourself pacing back and forth in your hotel room; while everyone else was out grabbing a few beers, your family included. This was the most nervous you’d been in a long time. It was kind of like being in a game seven, with a tied score and you have a penalty shot coming up. No pressure there. All sorts of thoughts ran through your head. Should you ask both her mom and her dad? What if they said no? Which would be a totally valid answer after everything the two of you had been through. There was only one way to find out.

Hitting the facetime button on your phone, you waited patiently as the call connected. “Tyler, son, how are you?” Mr. (Y/LN)’s faced popped up on the phone all cheerful, which you took as a good sign.

“I’m doing well Mr. (Y/LN) and yourself?” God you sounded so formal, but then you supposed this was a formal occasion.

“Oh I can’t complain. Great win tonight, I’m surprised you’re not out celebrating with your family.”

“Yeah, I actually wanted to speak to you and Mrs. (Y/LN) before that.” A bead of sweat ran down your face, and you swiped it away.

“Everything alright? Nothing’s wrong with (Y/N) or the baby?”

“Um, no sir. They’re fine. I just got off the phone with her actually and she said everything was great.” The conversation with (Y/N) had been short, since you claimed that you were going out with your family.

“Good. Hold on one sec.”

It took all of fifteen seconds for (Y/N)’s dad to find her mom, though a lot longer for them both to be seen on screen. “Tyler, so good to see you. How’s everything?”

“Oh it’s great Mrs. (Y/LN). How are you?” You were stalling, but then wasn’t it polite to at least make a little conversation with them first.

“We’re doing well. I talked to (Y/N) today. She said the house is simply gorgeous. We can’t wait to see it.”

“Yes, it’s really nice. You’ll have to come up soon and see it.”

“Oh we’d love that, maybe we can plan something for when we get home from this trip.” That timing would be perfect for what you had planned.

“Well speaking of that, it’s kind of the reason I’m calling. You see I wanted to do this in person and all; but given that I’m out on the road now, and you’ll be leaving soon, I didn’t know how to make that happen.” Finally, you stopped pacing and sat down on the bed. “Ummm…I don’t know how to say this. Look, I know I’m not the first choice you’d pick for your daughter, but I love her more than anything in this world. And I know I haven’t proven that in the past, but I plan on making up for that for the rest of my life.” Maybe you should’ve practiced this beforehand, because you weren’t sure you were saying all this right. “What I’m trying to ask is….Would you be willing to give me your blessing to marry your daughter? I mean I don’t even know if she’ll say yes, but nothing would make me happier than if she did. I really want us to be a family and I’m promising you now that I will do everything in my power to make her the happiest woman alive.” You realized you were babbling a bit on that last part, but you wanted them to know how important (Y/N) is in your life.

“Well, it took him longer than I expect.” Mr. (Y/LN) was looking at his wife when he spoke, but then he turned towards the phone. “You have our blessing son.”

“Welcome to the family.” Mrs. (Y/LN) added. It all went much smoother that you anticipated, especially with (Y/N)’s mom.

“Thank you, thank you so much.” You hadn’t realized that you were crying until your hand went up and swiped at a tear.

“So, do you have a date when you want to ask her?” This from her dad, as her mom was wiping away tears as well.

“Actually I do, and I’m hoping your whole family will be there.” You spent the next several minutes explaining the elaborate engagement you had planned for their daughter; and at the end of the conversation, you were ready to start the next phase of your plan in motion.

#tyler seguin #dallas stars #dallas stars imagine #dallas stars imagines #nhl fanfic #nhl imagine #nhl imagines #tyler seguin imagine #tyler seguin imagines #hockey imagine #nervous regrets #hockey fanfic #hockey imagines

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shadowsof-thenight · 5 years ago

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Flashlight: chapter eighteen

Story summary: This is an AU Two years ago, the love of your life walked out the door, breaking your heart into a million pieces. He had been unable to deal with his ptsd and you hadn’t been able to help him.Now that your best friend is marrying his friend, he’s coming back to town and you try to brace yourself for the reunion. Will you finally get closure?

Ship: Bucky Barnes X Reader

Warnings: ptsd, angst, heartbreak, depression, infertility issues

Words: 3400

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As always a massive thank you to @beanstalk007 for proofreading!

Feedback is greatly appreciated! And if you want to get tagged, let me know.

Important notice: Unfortunately @beanstalk007 is unable to be my beta from this chapter forward, so I am looking for someone to help me out with the last few chapters of this story and perhaps other stories!

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Masterlist Story Masterlist

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When you came up with your current plan, you hadn’t realised just how difficult it would be to execute. The original choice had been easy, reasonable. The conversation that needed to be held was another story entirely. Which was why you were now standing outside of this apartment, with a whirlwind of emotions flooding your senses. Despite that, you knew you had to follow through with this plan of yours. And it was up to you to take that first step. With the conversations you’d had during the girls weekend still clear in your mind, it was obvious to you what step it had to be. That was why you took a few deep breaths to calm yourself, before finally knocking on the dark red door that blocked the apartment behind it from you.

When Pietro opened that door mere seconds later, you smiled at him, trying to appear brighter than you felt. He stepped aside with eyes full of compassion, or was it perhaps pity? You didn’t know, but either made sense. You just hoped for compassion. Compassion was easier to accept, than pity. Pity was for when you felt powerless and weak. This choice didn’t feel weak. Tough, definitely, but one fuelled by a strength you were only now rediscovering. He silently pulled you into a hug, holding you close for only a short moment before he walked towards the couch situated in the living room. There, he turned up the volume of the television and you chuckled. You knew, as he probably did, that the contents of the conversation that you were about to have would not remain a mystery to him for long. Still, you appreciated his attempt at giving you some privacy while you hashed out details with the man that was currently in the bedroom furthest from the living room.

Again you knocked, a blue door this time, and as Bucky opened up you immediately asked him if perhaps he was willing to talk. Bucky nodded and quickly stepped back into the room, scooping up some clothes that he had discarded on the floor. His bed was neatly made and he signalled with a wave of his arm that you could sit on it. After he dropped the pile of clothes in the hamper near the door, he sat on a dingy chair across from you - nervously wringing his hands.

With his stare directed to the floor between you two, you took a moment to take in his demeanour. His shoulders were hunched and his foot was rapidly tapping against the leg of the chair. He was nervous, worried even and you sighed at your instinct to put him at ease. You were dreading this conversation as much as he was, and in this moment you should perhaps focus on yourself instead of him and what his needs might be. Your heart was racing and your eyes pricked with unshed tears. It wasn’t the talk itself, the intent behind it was actually good. A solid idea for the near future. However, being near him was hard. It had only been one week since you last saw him and feelings were still very raw. There had not been remotely enough time to let your sadness settle.

“So-“ you began, trailing off immediately. Silently cursing at yourself as you struggled to find the right words to convey what you wanted to say. This silence was only making it far more awkward than necessary.

“Yeah,” Bucky mumbled, clearly not knowing what to say either. Which wasn’t that surprising, he had not been expecting you and didn’t know what you wanted to say.

“I know we’re supposed to create some distance,” you finally managed to say, “And I don’t want to ignore that.”

“But?” He interjected impatiently and you realised you were being vague and long winded. You needed to make this short and clear.

“We’re part of the same group of friends and neither one of us should have to walk away from that.”

The chair Bucky was sitting on creaked as he shifted. You looked at him and saw he was still wringing his hands repeatedly - the flesh one moving over the prosthetic one. Repressing the urge to grasp onto them, you cleared your throat and focussed on a spot on the wall on your left. His level of nervousness made you wonder if this was about the conversation or simply because of your presence. You truly didn’t know, which showed you just how out of touch you had become to what he needed. You couldn’t even be sure that it was nerves or another kind of unease. You had been making assumptions and again realised that this was bad for the both of you. You either needed to let him tell you how he felt, if he needed your help, or let him figure it out on his own. Good intentions only got you so far, strong communication would get you further.

“I still want us to be friends, at least,” you softly explained, suddenly afraid that he would reject your idea.

Bucky stood up suddenly, releasing a breath he had apparently been holding. He grabbed your hand and pulled you up into a tight hug.

“Thank god,” he mumbled, his lips close to your left ear and he held you close. His warm breath cascaded over your neck and caused goosebumps to erupt all over your body. “I couldn’t imagine life without you,” he whispered as he stepped back and you laughed, more out of relief than anything else.

“Think we can do it?” He then asked in all seriousness, looking into your eyes - something he had been avoiding up until that moment. Tears were brimming his eyes and you knew he saw the same with you.

Lately, Bucky had been so quiet about what he wanted or needed, that this confession shocked you a little. It was a clear declaration that soothed your nerves immensely, confirming that your connection since his return had not all been in your head. It wasn’t all based on your assumptions at least. Which was a good thing.

These past few months it had been so easy to fall back into a familiar routine together. One where words weren’t necessary, where you simply understood what the other wanted. Or thought you did anyway, because neither one of you was the same person as you had been all those years ago and by reverting to your old habits so quickly, you hadn’t taken the time to get to know the new version of the other. Sticking your head in the sand, to avoid those two long years where you had been separated. It was wise to get to know each other again and the person you had both become in the absence of your relationship.

“I just know I’m willing to try,” you finally said, taking a few steps back from him, despite the desire to remain in his arms forever.

Your heart was already aching from the nearness in such a short amount of time, it was really beating on you. As did the idea of the distance that would naturally grow between you from now on. Instantly you wondered if you were kidding yourself here. Could you simply be his friend and nothing more? You really didn’t know. What you did know was that you wanted him in your life in whatever capacity possible and you didn’t want to break up your group of friends. Still, he somehow already felt miles and miles away from you.

“Me too,” he agreed, a sad smile on his features and you almost stepped forward again to hug him close. Luckily you managed to stop yourself.

Bucky took a step back and moved to stand behind the chair he had been sitting on earlier. Holding onto the backrest, he seemed to be dealing with an internal struggle as he looked at the floor and shifted in place. He was clearly uneasy, but he wasn’t speaking and you didn’t ask. You did wonder if his instincts had been the same as yours, the wish for one more hug. For now, you knew it was easier -better- not to go there.

To ease the situation the best you could, you stepped towards the door with a last lingering smile and a wave goodbye, leaving his room and closing the door behind you. With your hand still on the doorknob, you took a moment to breathe in deeply and force the tears to remain at bay for a moment longer. When you were confident that you wouldn’t start balling at the sight of your friend in the living room, you walked back to the living room.

By the sudden jump it was clear that Pietro had been anxiously awaiting your return from Bucky’s room. Putting on a brave face, you smiled and bent down to kiss the top of his head, before walking to the front door and letting yourself out. You couldn’t stay there a moment longer. Once in the hallway, you sped up to your retreat. Forcing yourself not to flat out run, but walking really fast instead as you exited the building. You had a sudden, huge desire for fresh air.

When you finally made it to your parked car, you got in and allowed your tears to fall freely. You didn’t start driving for a while, waiting instead for the worst of your crying to subside so you could actually see the road again.

***

Placing the last plate in the cabinet above your kitchen counter, you sighed deeply. You were tired. It was finally Friday and the workweek had been horrendous. This was always the busiest time of the year, and usually you thrived with the pressure weighing on you, however with everything that had been going on, you weren’t able to manage quite as well. You couldn’t adjust to the added stress as well as you wanted to. You were always tired and your sadness was constantly crashing onto you in waves. It was overwhelming. You knew you needed to move, do something, but had little energy left after work to actually figure out what. And though you knew you needed to make a plan to kickstart your life again, all you really wanted by the time that you got home was to lay on the couch and watch some mind numbing tv. Or a sad movie and a good cry, that also seemed like a reasonable plan to you. Despite knowing that those things only helped temporarily.Then again, that had been your way of life for a while now, short term solutions.

It was only the third week since the therapy session that had changed your outlook on your current way of life and you were still trying to adjust to the realisations you had made that day. To make matters worse, you were having quite a bit of trouble navigating your own set rules. You wanted to be Bucky’s friend, truly. You wanted him in your life and yet, you were working surprisingly hard at avoiding him. It was still too hard, too fresh and entirely too painful. Therefore you had given yourself one more week to avoid him and everyone else, before you needed to put on your big-girl-pants.

Your behaviour hadn’t gone unnoticed to say the least. Wanda was worried, Nat had gotten stern with you and Maria was somewhere in-between the two. Even Bucky had sent you a message earlier that week, after cancelling last minute on an invitation of Maria for dinner. He had wondered if you perhaps wanted to take back what you had said. You had replied that this was not the case, that you were simply busy and would see them all soon. He hadn’t bothered you since, probably understanding that you needed some space. Though his concern had felt good, and that was confusing enough. You needed more time.

A knock on the door pulled you from your train of thoughts, dropping the cloth that you had used to wipe down the counter, you sighed and walked towards the front door. Whoever was on the other side was persistent, repeatedly knocking and increasing the loudness. You weren’t expecting anyone and with a heightened sense of annoyance, you finally opened the door. The annoyance - which most certainly made your face resemble grumpy cat - was short-lived once you saw who greeted you. In the hallway stood two of your favourite people, Wanda and Natasha. They were both clearly intoxicated, giggling and whispering loudly as only intoxicated people can, that they had wanted to surprise you.

Stepping aside to let them in, Wanda happily showed you the contents of her bag. Two bottles of wine. Raising an eyebrow you stared at her as she placed them on the coffee table. She then quickly strode into your kitchen, you assumed to grab glasses for the three of you. Turning back to Natasha you realised she was struggling to get inside. She was trying to carry a large contraption through the door. You laughed and helped her navigate through your doorway, hallway and into the living room. There she began her set-up in front of your tv, while Wanda made quick work of pouring drinks.

“Please tell me you didn’t drive here,” you said as you dropped down on the couch.

“Clint dropped us off,” Wanda explained as she sat down next to you.

You smiled with a nod, relieved, and turned your attention back to Natasha. Finally you noticed just what her contraption was. A writing board. Your office used them during training sessions, so someone could write down whatever people said during brainstorming. The large sheets of paper that were attached to the high stand were checkered and white. You realised its use in the office but wondered what they wanted with it in your home.

When Natasha was finally satisfied with its position in the room, she stood straight, sipped from her glass and presented it as if she had just showed you a wonderful powerpoint presentation. She waved her arms and exclaimed a ‘tadaa’. Perhaps, in her enthusiasm, she had forgotten that she was yet to inform you of the intentions behind their impromptu visit.

“WE,” she called loudly, pointing to Wanda and herself, “are here to help you devise a plan.”

“That’s wonderful,” you chuckled, “And for what exactly?”

“To get you back on track,” Wanda offered with a broad smile, while Natasha retrieved a large black marker from her pocket. Using a large but clear font, she wrote on the top of the first sheet: Y/N’s one year plan.

“One year huh?” You were terrified of the mere idea of thinking that far ahead. Still you recognised the effort they had put into this for you and you did not want to dismiss it.

“We’ll start small and grow from there,” Natasha elaborated with a smile and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“Small? I have trouble thinking a week ahead right now, let alone a year,” you confessed and Wanda squeezed your hand.

“That’s because you’re wandering aimlessly, we’re going to change that tonight! Add some direction,” Natasha said, “Tell me something you have always wanted to do.”

Natasha stood beside the board, ready to write your ideas down, marker at the ready. She was probably expecting something to fall from your lips instantly, but you couldn’t think of anything at all. What did you want? Did you even know anymore? Finally, after a few moments of silence, Natasha capped the marker again and sat down on the coffee table, facing you and taking your hand in hers. Wanda topped off your glasses and for a while after that the three of you just talked. No expectations, no planning, just you airing your heart and them offering nothing but the immense kindness that they held in their hearts.

When the conversation finally lead to your job, you complained about the stress of it and the never relenting demands it placed on you. Wanda was quick to question if perhaps it was time for something new. A little confused you stopped talking. You had been in the same job for years now and at first you had looked for other options, but you had become complacent.

“You haven’t been happy in that job for a while now,” Wanda said, “Perhaps you should try and figure out what would be a fun new experience.”

“One that pays at least as well as this one, otherwise it’s bye bye to this apartment,” you joked. You knew she was right, but it was a scary thought. Change wasn’t something you wanted to seek out.

“Would you stop worrying for one moment and just look into it? You don’t need to take any further action if you don’t want to, but don’t dismiss it out of fear,” Natasha scolded and you smiled, she was right two of course, you did let fear get the best of you. Often.

When you had been a child, no task had seemed too big or insurmountable. Everything new was simply exciting, every challenge an adventure. As you got older that changed and the past few years it had been all but gone from your personality. You wondered if you could ever get it back, or at least some portion of it. With your ability to oversee consequences far better then when you had been a child, you would most likely never be quite as free again, but you didn’t need to be. You just wanted to live.

Natasha stood up from the table and took her marker out again, writing down: exploring the job market. She also added travel in parentheses behind it. You laughed, she really did know you well. As a teenager you had always thought that was the business you’d end up in, in some shape or form. But after college, jobs have been scarce and you have been all too happy to find the job that you had. And it had been a good job, it just wasn’t your dream job and if you had the opportunity to find just that, you would be insane to walk away from it. You would just have to start looking again.

With your first point out of the way, the three of you got in a groove. Spouting off ideas left and right, and Natasha writing them all down. No matter how crazy they were. From going to a ballet recital, to theatre, bungee jumping, parachuting - those were a little out there- you were having fun. There were some more serious ideas as well; working as a tour guide in the city, finding a new gym and book a holiday. Finally, when there was a list of ten-something points, Natasha asked you about old and current hobbies. You snorted, current hobbies? Did lounging on the couch and watching tv count? They didn’t seem legitimate options, no matter how comfortable they were.

“What about your photography?” Natasha wondered and Wanda immediately got giddy, she had always loved your photos.

You shrugged, unsure. Photography had been something you had loved doing in both high school and college. But with work and life demanding more from your time, you had finally left it behind years ago. You wondered if it was something you could just go back to. It had always been fun to do, relaxing, since there were no expectations, no pressure. You’d just walk around and shoot whatever you came across. Some days that meant hundreds of pictures and other days you had none. Both had been fine with you.

“Why don’t we go for a walk tomorrow,” Wanda offered, “It’s fun and you can maybe take some pictures, or not, whatever you want.”

You smiled and took her up on her offer for a walk. And with that the night had come to an end, all three of you yawning but content with the results. Natasha called Clint and he quickly came to pick them up. You waved them off, watching Clint carry everything down as Nat and Wanda linked arms and skipped in front of him. He chuckled and looked back at you, you shared a laugh, before you closed the door. With a smile you went off to bed, feeling lighter than you had in weeks.

***

Chapter nineteen

#Bucky Barnes #Bucky Barnes x Reader #James Buchanan Barnes #MCU fanfiction #Bucky Barnes Fanfiction

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marshmallowgoop · 5 years ago

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Goop Plays Kill la Kill the Game: IF (Ryuko Episodes 5-8)

It’s been a while.

Episode 5

Writing about these episodes has been a struggle. I wouldn’t be able to narrow down a single reason for my eight-month hiatus from IF’s story mode, but I can say that it’s difficult to talk about content that is overwhelmingly—and disappointingly—a rehash of scenes I’d already watched before.

Ryuko’s fifth episode especially feels like a game of “spot the difference.” Segments of Satsuki’s story are repeated with astonishingly minor changes, and while this has been an issue with earlier Ryuko episodes (1 and 3), by episode 5, it’s starting to feel very tedious.

I won’t deny that the slight alterations are charming—they very much are! Mako’s contribution to Ryuko and Senketsu’s fight against Nui, for example, is adorable:

Mako: My dad says, “When you’re outnumbered, get more weapons!” An eye for an eye, a blade for a blade!

However, such minimal additions feel like a dishearteningly poor use of the player’s time. If I hadn’t already questioned it before, these chapters really made me question the choice of a two-campaign story mode.

It’s not that I don’t see the appeal of such a structure; there’s something fun in telling one side of a story and then changing the perception of that story by telling another side of it. Plus, with IF in particular, I think there was a goal—at least to some extent—of confounding players with Satsuki’s ending. I could see Ryuko’s campaign as a means of making the plot more interactive, which is of course fitting for a video game. By not spelling everything out right away, players are encouraged to unravel the mystery and put the pieces together.

Satsuki: I had a bad dream....

But... there’s just too much overlap for me to feel that the two-campaign structure was the most effective storytelling decision. The choice perhaps makes more sense from a gaming standpoint; it’s easier to focus on one playable character rather than jump around between two. But I don’t know—perhaps it could have been fun to give players a feel for more of this game’s roster all at once. Maybe we could have played as the Elite Four or Ragyo or Nui, too.

Because from a story standpoint? One major letdown of Ryuko’s fifth episode is that actually fighting Nui completely lacks the power that the cutscene in Satsuki’s campaign has.

Sure, that scene certainly doesn’t have the impact of similar moments in the anime (episodes 18 and 21/22), but you can’t really expect it to, and it works well within the context of IF. Ryuko and Senketsu haven’t been through as much together, but Ryuko still keeps her temper under control to prevent a repeat of hurting Senketsu from it again, they burst into battle with “Before my body is dry” playing, and though the animations in the game can be stiff and limited, it’s still sweet.

Ryuko: Won’t know ‘til I try! So let’s do this!

They sparkle! Their hearts are as one! They’re uniting to take down this threat.

But in Ryuko’s story? You just fight the fight. You miss out on Ryuko shit-talking Nui, you miss out on the song (seriously, was it just the struggling Steam port, or does “Before my body is dry” really not play during the fight?), and most importantly, the emotion I get from the cutscene is largely lost.

Don’t get me wrong—skipping a repetitive scene is appreciated. But at the same time, the omission makes me long for a single story mode. Players could have fought Nui with “Before my body is dry” playing and watched the Satsuki-story cutscene upon victory. That bit of “Satsuki’s” story already focuses so much on Ryuko that in some ways, it honestly feels more “Ryuko” than Ryuko’s story! Why not just have a unified story mode?

Ryuko’s episodes shine when they significantly differ from what players already witnessed in Satsuki’s campaign. The very beginning of episode 5 is charming because seeing Ryuko just wanting to smash things is legitimately amusing.

Ryuko: Oh! So, I just gotta smack ‘em all in the head.

But this could have easily fit into a single story that switched perspectives. And in fact, moving into episode 6...

Episode 6

It’s almost humorous that Satsuki’s story has purposeful omissions to “justify” the existence of Ryuko’s campaign. I am astounded at how Mako literally does not exist in the Satsuki equivalent of Ryuko’s sixth episode:

Seriously, what? This reminds me of Kingdom Hearts jokes about how it’s rude of Disney movies to totally edit out Sora, Donald, and Goofy.

But jokes aside, the Kingdom Hearts comparison actually has some real weight in regards to IF. In Kingdom Hearts, the Disney worlds are—at least, in my opinion—the most fun and engaging when they do more than simply rehash the films they’re based on with Sora, Donald, and Goofy added. In the same way, Ryuko’s campaign in IF is the most fun and engaging when it does more than simply rehash Satsuki’s campaign with Mako added.

And why was Mako even literally edited out of Satsuki’s cutscenes in the first place? It’s really a bigger discussion, but this choice only adds to my frustrations with how Kill la Kill handles Mako’s character. I’ve already written about my beef with the anime in that regard, but IF is even worse. Mako’s so inconsequential to the story (at least thus far) that she can be totally cut out and have absolutely nothing change. For goodness’ sake, she sleeps for a good chunk of her screentime!

Which... is actually an issue I have with the Grand Summoners crossover game, too....

Ryuko: She’s [Mako’s] already asleep!

But in any case, Mako’s presence in the IF story seems to be purely because she’s a popular character. It’s disappointing to me that Kazuki Nakashima couldn’t find more things for her to do.

And it’s sad that she’s literally edited out of Satsuki’s scenes. I really cannot get over that. What the what.

More to the actual content of Ryuko’s sixth episode, the first part is just old hash browns (plus Mako), but the second part is much more intriguing. I find it curious that Senketsu knows right away what the Primordial Life Fiber is, but Ryuko doesn’t. Does he have a connection with it that Ryuko lacks because her Life Fibers haven’t been awoken yet?

Senketsu: That... is what’s known as the Primordial Life Fiber.

Also, same, Mako, same. I also call Nui and Ragyo’s Primordial Life Fiber-y attacks in this game “meatballs.”

Mako: Ooooh! It looks like a big ol’ meatball!

I feel like my previous write-ups on IF already express a lot of what I could say regarding this episode, but I will again reiterate that the character interactions are charming. It’s nice to hear Ryuko laugh (even if in a taunting way), and the Elite Four are absolutely adorable.

Ryuko: Ha! Whatever. I’d like to see you try!

Houka: Oh, my God. Do they have to be so loud? Our enemies can hear us from a mile away.

And since this is a video game and all, in regards to the one fight in episode 6, it’s a bit of a pain; battling multiple enemies doesn’t make for the most enjoyable experience because of the camera and inability to properly lock on to targets. But IF excels in the little details. The dialogue when other characters join you for the fight is as amusing as always.

There really should be subtitles, though. It’s super poor accessibility.

Episode 6 also briefly questions the nature of the world. Earlier episodes of Ryuko’s campaign had Senketsu—and Nui—note that something felt off about time. Here, Senketsu outright says that time in the Fiber Palace is “seems unstable,” and interestingly, the camera focuses on Ryuko when he wonders if it’s the location or “something else” that’s causing the abnormality.

Senketsu: The flow of time here seems unstable. Is this place causing it to happen...? Or... is something else triggering it....

It’s not in this episode, but given that Ragyo later describes Ryuko as “the singularity,” perhaps she is the one messing up the world.

I think Ryuko sums up my thoughts, though.

Ryuko: I don’t get what’s goin’ on.

Of course, probably the most notable aspect of episode 6 is the ending, and while I could see right through what was happening, I have to admit that Ryuko going at Mako with the Scissor Blades is a stellar finish.

Ryuko: I still gotta get revenge for my dad.

Senketsu: What are you doing, Ryuko?!

Episode 7

However...

Ryuko: Oh, blow it out yer ass... Nui Harime!

I got some issues with this.

For those who have been Kill la Kill-ing for as long as I have, you might remember that there was a flood of Mako-is-Nui theories immediately after the show’s finale. Amusingly, character designer Sushio outright denied the idea in a Tweet, and a Studio Trigger panel at Anime Expo 2014 (6th post from the top) also shot the notion down.

aranbeik: is it [the Mako-is-Nui theory] true????

Sushio: It is no relationship at all

But fake Makos actually ain’t absent from Kill la Kill. In the official Drama CDs that came packaged with Japanese releases of the anime, there are two instances of fake Makos. The first happens in CD 1, where Maiko Ogure impersonates Mako for a huge portion of the runtime. The second happens in CD 4, where—“funnily” enough—Nui herself impersonates Mako after Ryuko has her heart brutally ripped out of her chest by her own mother.

And here’s my issue with IF’s portrayal: in both of these Drama CD cases, Ryuko is fooled. Mako isn’t Mako for tons of the first CD, and Ryuko doesn’t notice. And, in the Nui situation, it’s Senketsu who has to tell her that the “Mako” before them is not actually Mako. Which goes completely counter to what IF does!

It’s not that I’m against Ryuko recognizing a fraud, but her inability to in the Drama CDs lends insight into her character that I find fitting. Ryuko fails to identify the fake Makos in the CDs because Ryuko initially closes her heart off to the girl—something she outright admits in episode 22 (and which the English dub makes particularly prominent).

Ryuko: Yeah, you [Mako] too! You’re like the most persistent chick I ever met! You didn’t care if I pushed you away! You kept coming back and coming back like a yo-yo!

However, after ripping Junketsu from her body, Ryuko becomes far more open, and it’d be really powerful for her to correctly identify a fake Mako then. It’d show how their relationship has grown and become stronger.

In IF, Mako and Ryuko have hardly had the development they undergo in the anime, and further, Ryuko’s explanation for how she knew it was Nui doesn’t make a lick of sense!

Nui-Mako: How’d you know it was me?

Ryuko: Easy! After Mako wakes up, she’s always got drool on her face.

As Ryuko seemed to have already deduced that “Mako” was Nui before even looking at her, how in the world does this work?

Episode 7 has more questionable character writing for Ryuko later on, too. I’ve already written at great lengths about how I find her attitude regarding murder totally OOC, but Nui’s death scene also has such a strange line regarding Ryuko’s feelings towards Satsuki:

Nui: Guess who ordered me to take the Rending Scissors from your daddy! Give up? It was Satsuki!

Ryuko: If she did, she musta had a good reason for it.

As sweet as the sentiment is, and as much as I understand that it’s there to point out how not even Nui can tear apart Ryuko and Satsuki’s bond, it leaves me totally baffled. Satsuki must have had a good reason to issue the order that killed her father, and Ryuko’s chill with that? At this point in the story, the kind of unwavering faith in Satsuki that Ryuko displays here is completely unearned. I could see Ryuko at the end of the anime feeling this way, but IF Ryuko? Not at all! She barely knows Satsuki!

But for all my gripes regarding the storyline, we Kill la Kill fans are starving. (Well, at least I am, anyway.) Even if Ryuko’s words to Nui make no sense, it is something I would have liked the anime to explore more, and the character interactions here are undeniably sweet. I love Ryuko and Senketsu’s banter and how it shows how comfortable and in tune with each other they are. I love Ryuko’s silly dialogue to Satsuki and how Satsuki smiles at it, telling us that even the “ice-cold” Student Council President can’t help but get a bit soft at this dorky shounen protagonist.

Ryuko: I hate family drama. But I said I’d save Satsuki, sooo...

Senketsu: I had a feeling you’d say that.

Ryuko: Looks like you’re having a really shitty day, Satsuki!

The battle that finishes up this episode, with “Blumenkranz” playing in the background and the Elite Four and Satsuki joining the fight with cute dialogue, is a joy, too. There are a lot of little details that I really appreciate.

(I also realized this time around that you can stop Ragyo’s Instant Kill and didn’t get obliterated by Shinra-Kouketsu like I did in Satsuki’s story.)

Ragyo: Your sins shall be purged along with your pathetic body!

Episode 8

But in regards to the plot of IF, Ryuko’s eighth episode finally starts dropping some more answers. As the ending of Satsuki’s story had implied, the world is outright said here to be her dream, created from Junketsu:

Ragyo: Junketsu took your [Satsuki’s] dreams and made them tangible. That is the distorted world we see now.

However, I still can’t say I get it. When Satsuki wakes up at the end of her story, it’s the start of episode 1 of the anime. She hasn’t come into contact with Junketsu yet, so how has this distorted world even been created in the first place? I guess Life Fibers can just mess with time?

I’m also kinda amused that the world is said to be what Satsuki wants to happen, yet she describes it as a “bad dream” when she wakes up.

But the big “new” information is Ragyo’s assertion that Ryuko is “the singularity”:

Ragyo: I knew it. You were the singularity, Ryuko Matoi.

As Ragyo explains, she could have taken over this fake world (and perhaps merged it with the real one, judging by her comment in Satsuki’s story about how such a world “can even be spun into a single yarn with the Primordial Life Fiber”), but Ryuko got in the way:

Ragyo: Since my Life Fibers are much more powerful than Junketsu’s, I could’ve taken this planet over. Then, I could’ve enslaved humanity and begun the process of turning it... into a Cocoon Sphere. Yes, I could’ve. If it wasn’t for your existence, Ryuko Matoi.

Now, there have been hints that something’s up with Ryuko all throughout IF, but I can’t say I really know what to make of it. Senketsu remarks that Ryuko’s oddly strong in the first episode of her campaign, Ragyo adds to this and suggests that Ryuko’s affecting the Primordial Life Fiber in the same episode, and then, there also seems to be the implication that Ryuko is triggering the weird sense of time in her sixth episode. The final episode of Satsuki’s story seems to feature Ryuko absorbing Life Fibers, too.

It makes sense for Ryuko to affect Satsuki’s dream world, of course; Ryuko has Life Fibers in her, and she’s also the sister whom Satsuki is ultimately fighting for. I’ve seen theories that the Primordial Life Fiber takes on the shape of a baby to represent the baby sister Satsuki thought she’d lost (and at least in the English dub, Ryuko does refer to the baby as a “she,” further connecting the baby to the lost sister); so perhaps, even if Satsuki doesn’t recognize her connection to Ryuko, maybe the Life Fibers do. Ryuko has power in the dream world because, in a lot of ways, Ryuko is Satsuki’s dream. Maybe that’s the reason that Satsuki only gets flashes of scenes between her and Ryuko in the anime when the baby connects with her, too.

Who knows? I can only hope that episodes 9 and 10 will clear this story up.

I’ve obviously got a lot of questions, but I know this is basically the end. I’m not sure how much explanation to expect going forward, and I’m still wondering about things that don’t even necessarily (?) have to do with the dream world, too. Like, whatever was the point of that moment with Ragyo and one of Senketsu’s scraps? And what was bothering Shiro?

Shiro: There’s just one thing that bothers me...

I said in the beginning of this tl;dr report that I couldn’t pinpoint a single reason for my inability to write it for eight months. But maybe part of the reason is that it’s kind of nice to not know the ending. As long as I don’t play it, there’s still some official Kill la Kill content that I haven’t experienced yet, and it could be anything.

But at the same time, I don’t know how much longer I can go without seeing Senketsu-Kisaragi, so.

The thing—i.e., this monstrous essay—that was holding me back from playing through to the end is now complete! And I’m ready to finally finish this game.

Here’s to hoping that the finale is satisfying 🤞

#kill la kill #kill la kill the game #klk spoilers #klk: if spoilers #goop plays klk: if #ramblings #shut up goop #gifs i made #confetti emoji wow i finally did it lol

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crewhonk · 5 years ago

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...Of The Line (1)

A series collaboration with @nomadsgrogers where she writes for Giovanna as the reader! We’re just projecting onto our writing, its FINE

Series Summary: Steve watches YN Banner grow up before his eyes– from a shy, dorky sixteen-year-old to a fierce, brilliant woman who never fails to keep him on his toes. He knows that she’s untouchable, but that doesn’t stop him from being completely wrapped around her finger for the rest of his long life.

Series Warnings: Mutual Pining, age gap, gun use, these two are idiots– seriously they’re so dumb, slow burn, injuries

Pairings: eventual Steve Rogers X Banner!Reader, eventual Buky Barnes X OC!Stark

Chapter Summary: YN says goodbye to her best friends and watches as the events of The Winter Soldier go down. YN visits her best people in the hospital.

Words: 4.1K

@nomadsgrogers version >> (” Till the End...”) Introduction

“... Of The Line” Masterlist

_________________

2014, two years later

Eventually, Giovanna had left to join Natasha and Steve in their work with SHEILD in Washington about a year after Natasha and Steve had initially left. They had come back for a short reprieve from work and were set off to go work to save lives again— 361 kilometres away. Giovanna had called it her first real mission as an Avenger while both YN and Tony had called it bullshit and begged her to stay. YN was never much for goodbyes— moped around for days until she found herself showered and in the lab. A bad habit that Giovanna critiqued her about.

“You really don’t have to leave, you know.” YN frowned, pulling her best friend into a hug and burying her face into her neck. Giovanna drew circles between the middle of her shoulder blades and stayed silent until YN pulled away and wiped her nose with her sleeve. Natasha joined the group of girls and pulled YN under her wing, kissing her temple and hugging her close. Nat had since bonded with the two younger women, now on the cusp of nineteen, taking them under her wing and training them when she could— watching movies and laughing long into the night when she was able.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna come with us?” Natasha’s suave, carefully selected speech patterns disappeared around the two girls— something that rarely ever happened. “I could really use a hand keeping Captain Bad Idea in line,” Natasha smirked and YN rolled her eyes and laughed, refusing to let the sudden heat blossoming on her face stop her from functioning like it usually did.

Steve Rogers had grown on her— he had become something less like a celebrity crush in 2012 to something deeper. Her adoration for the man had rooted in her lungs, constricting her breathing until it seemed she would never be able to breathe again.

Not to be dramatic.

But it was true that the two had become closer. They trained together, ate together, watched shitty 80’s movies until the crack of dawn and then crashed on separate end of the same couch together. They kept touching to a minimal— an unspoken rule between the two which only caused for a rock in the progress of relationship building. Both, as the team knew, were very needy with touch and it only seeded the idea that the other person felt no real romantic interest in the other. That, and Steve’s consistent fear of making her crumble under his hands— young and fragile and too good for him.

YN’s eyes flickered over to where Steve was chatting with Tony and Bruce softly, allowed her eyes to rake over his appearance once, very quickly and then smiled back to her girls.

“I think you’ll be fine. You got Blind Enthusiasm over there to help you.” She nodded her chin towards Giovanna who seemed affronted at her statement.

“Hey! I’m not Blind Enthusiasm. Maybe Sassy Regret.” Giovanna pulled both Natasha and YN into her arms and squeezed them both close. Their foreheads touched for a few seconds before she pulled away and let her hand rest on YN’s cheek.

“Don’t blow anything up while I’m gone,” Giovanna warned.

“It’s no fun without you.” YN winked back, finishing their classic statement goodbye— uttered mostly when one left for coffee runs or actually went to bed at a time which humans usually did.

“Wanna say goodbye to him?” Natasha’s eyes flicked over to Steve who was watching them. YN’s eyes locked with his own and she shot Steve a small smile, raising her hand and giving a shy wave. Giovanna scoffed quietly to herself, toeing the ground with her sneakers at the innocent move.

Behind closed doors, YN rarely had a filter on the topic of Steve Rogers. Hashing out everything she wanted him to do to her and everything she wanted to do to him, sometimes in such great detail even Natasha, when she was able to join, would blush. Now, in the midst of that same man, YN was reduced to a blushing, quiet sixteen-year-old version of herself.

YN was like a pit bull raised in a good family— her bark was most certainly worse than her bite.

“Nah. We already said goodbye.” YN smiled, looking away from Steve who seemed to be less than keen on doing the same. Giovanna and Natasha’s identical smirks dropped at the very same time.

“Okay, great. We’re going to have a FaceTime session tonight and you’re going to spill everything.”

“Everything?”

“Every. Single. Thing.”

______________________

The tower was lonely without the chaos that ensued during the previous three and a half years, all due to the rapidly advancing education that was YN Banner and Giovanna Stark’s life. There were no crashes from the lab on the 52nd floor, as YN was played out on the couch, uninspired and bored out of her mind at one in the morning. She had been throwing up a stress ball into the air, catching it all the while glaring at the holograms on the table in front of her. When the hologram flickered for the third time in ten seconds she growled and threw the stress ball at it, eyes flashing neon green only briefly.

“Woah! Squish, you okay?” Bruce exclaimed, walking around the table and rubbing the spot on his forehead where the ball had collided. YN muttered an apology as her dad sat down next to her, watching the diagram of a blood cell rotate in front of them.

“Been better.” She mumbled, taking the stress ball back from her father and digging her nails into it. Both Bruce and Big Guy took notice, and they were equally concerned.

“What’s goin’ on?” He tried. He was usually wonderful at this father-ing schtick but ever since he had left when she was only sixteen, she had become increasingly independent. Now almost twenty, she was a full adult and Bruce had no idea where he belonged anymore.

“I just— God. I want to think I’m a grown up. I want to think I’m independent from other people and can function without another person but I don’t think I can do that. I’ve always had you and when I didn’t I’ve always had Gio and Natasha and Steve and Tony. I’m no good alone.” YN ranted, tears welling in her eyes and Bruce could feel his heart melting and breaking both at the same time.

“You don’t have to be alone, you know. Humans are social creatures. We don’t do well alone. We’re meant to be in packs and we’re meant to have those social bonds. Independence for us in the wild usually means death— in modern times it just sometimes means everything short of that.” Bruce hummed and he wrapped his arm around his baby girls shoulders. She sniffed into his neck and wiped tears away from her eyes.

“But Gio’s independent. So are Steve and Natasha and I don’t get why I can’t be like that.” Her voice was thick as she spoke.

“Because you’re you. You don’t have to be like them. There’s no shame in leaning on people, you know.” He mumbled and Big Guy seemed to agree, chest rumbling in agreement. There was as silence before YN’s quiet voice rang out loud and clear.

“You’re not goin’ anywhere, right, Papa?”

Bruce’s heart skipped a beat and he pulled her closer, squishing her to his chest and blinking back tears.

“I’ll stay right here just as long as you want me to, okay?”

“Okay.”

Another Pause.

“Wanna help me try to figure out our blood?”

____________________

It was a week before ‘Tonights’ FaceTime could take place, as both Natasha and Giovanna had been swept up in the life and work of SHEILD. It was seven at night when YN’s phone rang by her side, laptop on her lap in bed playing “The 100”. The phone chimed, and YN in all of her excitement nearly launched her computer from her legs in her hurry to answer it.

“Hi!” She said excitedly, shutting her laptop and pulling her covers closer to her chest. On her screen were her best friends, faces squished together and smiling so widely. The flush on Giovanna’s cheeks was a telltale sign they were at least a glass and a half into their wine.

“Baby girl!” Giovanna almost squealed, and YN’s heart clenched. Oh, how she had missed the Stark energy because sure, Tony had it all but there was nothing like seeing it in jammed into a 5’3 Italian firecracker of a girl.

“How’s Washington? Oh my gosh, have you met Obama yet? What about Michelle? Are her arms as magnificent as they look in pictures?” YN rushed, and the two girls laughed.

“Washington is good! It’s too vanilla for my taste.” Giovanna replied and Natasha said something about how it was because the sewer rats were the closest things she ever got to owning a pet.

“No, we haven’t met any of the Obama’s either.” Natasha quelled YN’s thirst for the First Family and YN sat back in mock disappointment.

“Well, then what’re you even doing there?” The others laughed at her response before they both lost their excited exterior. It would never fail to impress YN how in sync Giovanna and Natasha were at almost all times.

“So, don’t think we forgot, little lamb.” Natasha chastised and YN rolled her eyes, before getting up and grabbing a bottle of wine from her wine cooler hidden in the back of her closet. No way was she explaining her and Steve’s goodbye while sober. No, ma’am.

She raised the bottle to her lips and wiped her hand across her mouth.

“What d’you wanna know?” YN resigned herself to what she could picture as hours worth of interrogation.

“Everything.”

____________________

It was the night before the team was about to leave for Washington. Giovanna had already left the common room under the guise of packing, allowing for Steve and YN to have a few hours to themselves under the glow of the city lights streaming through the windows and the television.

Steve could feel his hands clamming up. Sure, he had been alone with YN countless times before, but it was only on his visit back did he notice that YN had grown up. Long gone were her puberty curves. There was that same trademark Banner softness to her, but he didn’t miss the way that her shirt clung to rigid muscle when she was straining herself in the gym. He didn’t miss the lines of her calf and thigh muscles whenever she wore those tight black shorts that made his head spin. He didn’t miss the curl of her wild hair or how her eyes seemed to droop in a way that made his heart stutter whenever she looked at him.

He had been alone with YN before, countless times. She never failed to make him feel like a 16-year-old kid in Brooklyn, though.

“You know, I’m really gonna miss nights like these.” She said, curling into the cushion of the couch and pulling her blanket to her chin— comfort habit, he had learned.

“Whatd’ya mean?” He asked, suddenly not at all interested in the movie playing in front of them. He knew this was an iconic 90’s movie but he couldn’t care less about anything that didn’t involve YN.

“You and me all curled up. I mean, come on. Showing movies to Captain America for the first time?” She giggled sleepily at his eye roll.

“As if I care about it, honestly.” He mirrored her position, facing her and leaning on the back of the couch.

“Why don’t you care about it? Clueless is one of the best movies out there.” YN tried to sound offended, but she couldn’t find it in herself to sound anything but nervous and breathy. Steve’s eyes were drooping, fighting hard to stay awake and watching her with a softness he rarely showed anyone. In some wild, delusional state, she could almost believe what Giovanna and Natasha told her— that he could come to love someone like her.

“Not my type.” He muttered, forcing himself to keep his hands from reaching out and placing them on her bare arms. God, all he wanted to do was run the back of his knuckles over her skin. Wanted to make goosebumps erupt all over her body. Wanted to make her suck in a breath and look at him through those innocent, peering eyes.

Steve kept his hands to himself.

“What is your type?” She whispered, and his heart climbed violently up his throat. He coughed once to get it back to where it belonged and when that didn’t work, he pulled away farther from her. He couldn’t— she was too young and good and pure and everything he would ruin.

He wouldn’t ruin YN Banner.

“We should get you to bed, okay, Sugar?” He said, glancing absently at the time before rising slowly to his feet. He wanted nothing more than to curl up against her, soak her in enough for him to survive the next few months away. He stopped himself, however, filling his arms with blankets and pillows and waiting for her to stand and join him.

She almost looked disappointed he didn’t help her. Definitely looked disappointed he was ending the night.

She only nodded, however, and wrapped her blanket around her shoulders like a cape, following him to the elevator in silence and riding up in silence. Only speaking again when they reached her floor. She stepped out, turning around and placing her hand on the door so it wouldn’t close on her. She was quiet for a time, trying her very best to memorize the way blue skin had found a home in the inner corners of his eyes. How the left side of his nose was just a little crooked. Remember the cleft of his chin and the swell of his bottom lip. She sniffed and nodded and stepped back.

“I’ll miss you, grandpa. Don’t know who I’ll make old people jokes about anymore.” She forced a playful smile over her tired face and he mirrored it.

They were both so close, but so, so far away.

“I’ll miss you, Sweetheart. Don’t know who’s gonna make you get to bed in time for your afternoon nap.”

“Guess you’ll have to come back soon, then.”

Then, the elevator door slid shut with a quiet ‘ding’.

______________________

YN had thought them to be dead. Nick, Steve, Natasha, and Giovanna killed in a gun battle in the middle of Washington. She had thought them dead until she got the call. It was Tony who called, half out of his mind with worry but voice dripping with relief.

“They’re alive, YN. News— look at the news.” She listened to her uncle, ran down the hall of her floor to the common room with television in it and flicked on the channel. Sure, Tony may have been only five floors away, but she was suddenly very familiar with the feeling of her legs and arms and heart going numb.

The flashing red at the bottom screen told her this was live. Large hellicarriers armed to the teeth were falling on Washington, a collection of live footage from the news crews and videos from Twitter streaming on the screen, and YN cried out when a rather shaky video caught sight of Giovanna, fighting, yelling, bleeding through her uniform but alive. YN let out a dry sob and leaned forward on her knees, putting her head in her hands and crying into them despite the lack of tears streaming from her eyes.

Then, when she looked back, she saw him. Angry, and scared and like Giovanna, bleeding but very much alive. He looked to be running— chasing after someone who was singlehandedly taking out an entire SHEILD battalion.

She didn’t care. Her guys were alive.

________________________

The quinjet ride to Washington was only half an hour, but both YN and Tony could have sworn it would have been easier to walk themselves. The jet landed on the roof of the hospital and she sprinted side by side with Tony down the stairs, bursting through the doors of the VIP section the hospital had closed off.

Large men in combat greens were lining the hallways, guns on their shoulders and there was an eerie silence in the hallway.

“Ms. Stark is in room 567, Captain Rogers is in the room next to her— 569.” The nurse, nervous and excited at the sight of the Tony Stark in her own hospital making her voice higher than usual.

“I need— I’m sorry.” He whispered once they got to the rooms and YN rolled her eyes, pushing him towards his daughters' room.

“Go, we got all day. I’m gonna go see Steve.” YN tried to ignore the way Tony’s worried eyes gave away to something almost teasing, and she turned around to the room 569, knocking on the ajar door and smiling at the man in the room.

He was sitting next to an unconscious Steve. His dark skin and dark eyes stunned her— a man of genuine beauty was protecting Steve. He looked at her, eyes intense and guarding.

“Who’re you?” His voice was suave and the gap in his teeth was charming. YN tried to fight back the urge to walk over and tell him just who she was— he obviously cared much for Steve. The bags under his eyes and the stains on his shirt were dead giveaways that he hadn’t left the hospital in a few days.

“YN Banner. Who are you?” Her voice was strong, and her gaze landed on Steve who looked very much worse for wear. A large gash that was deep enough to require stitches extended from the corner of his mouth to his earlobe, a black and green and red bruise on his opposite cheek let her know that the bone underneath his skin must have been completely shattered. The hospital gown he was wearing was pulled to the side to show more blossoming bruises and YN coughed, trying to rid her throat of the sudden lump that had taken root there.

The man made a noise of surprise and joy, a wide smile blossoming over his face before he stood and extended a hand.

“Sam Wilson. Wow, the famous YN Banner. Steve and Giovanna never shut up about you this whole week, it’s nice to put a face to the name. Nice to meet you, Steve’s girlfriend, YN Banner.” He smirked and his smile grew at the way she spluttered in surprise.

“I’m— we’re not— I’m not—“ She rushed, cheeks flaming to the tips of her ears. Sam laughed and stepped closer, moving to walk by her and out of the room, knowing she would want some alone time.

“He said the same thing when Gio and Natasha called him your boyfriend. Got more red, though.” And with that, and a clap on the shoulder, Sam walked out of the room.

YN’s gaze drifted back to Steve, and she pressed the backs of her cold hands to her face to try to quell the blush that seemed to have found a home there. She walked over to his side, pulling a chair to his bedside and reaching out, hesitating only slightly before wrapping both of her hands around his much larger one. The knuckles were bruised and bloody, clean stitches already looking to have been removed and she rested her cheek on them, looking at Steve’s face.

It was only a half an hour before his hand twitched in hers, and he grunted at the pain he felt immediately upon waking. He cracked his eyes open slowly, crusted closed with tears and other sleep residue and felt someone's hands tighten around his own.

YN was there, eyes tired but relieved and Steve’s heart rate monitor picked up when she smiled at him, softly.

“Hey,” She whispered over the music from the speaker Sam had brought in. Her tightened her grip on his hands and rested her lips on his fingers— not kissing them, but resting there and Steve cursed the machine beeping continuously and irregularly beside him.

“Hi,” His voice was raspy from the fight and smoke and water they had to pump from his lungs and the breathing tube from the surgeries he had received.

“Whose idea was it to take down SHIELD?” She asked, corners of her lips turning up. She already knew the answer, but it would be nice to have the opportunity to make fun of the man in front of her.

“Gio’s?” He tried and YN laughed against his hand, breath drifting over his knuckles and making the pink of blush creep up his neck. God, how the hell did someone as good as her make him so unbearably nervous. She had gotten even more beautiful in the four months they hadn’t seen each other.

“Nice try, Captain Bad Idea.” YN teased, and she pulled one hand from his grip to brush the back of her fingers against his forehead and his eyes fluttered shut briefly at her touch. To anyone looking into the room, they looked like a couple— two people so in love and so worried for each other, and both Steve and YN knew this, neither too keen on ruining the illusion. They only wanted to stay in this little moment for a few minutes longer— for as long as it took for reality to pull them away from each other once more.

____________________

Soon, Tony interrupted their moment outside of reality, needing to discuss and make plans for the future of the team and whoever remained of SHEILD.

“I’ll be back. Can you eat anything yet?”

“I think so,” His voice was quiet and he really, truly, desperately didn’t want you to leave— didn’t want to let you go already.

“Okay, I’ll find something good.” YN stood, squeezing his hand once before pulling away slowly and Tony raised an eyebrow at the way Steve almost seemed to reach after it, wanting her to come back so soon.

YN didn’t hear the way Tony teased Steve, comments of ‘gramps’ and ‘you know she’s too smart for you, right?’ Followed quickly by Steve telling him to shove it somewhere the sun didn’t shine. Instead, she walked over to the next room and didn’t even bother knocking before walking in and crossing her arms, glaring at her best friend who looked a little worse for wear.

“You look like shit, babe,” Giovanna said with a wicked grin.

“You’re one to talk. Really? Taking down secret government Nazi’s? Without me? How dare you.” YN dropped her stern act and padded over to Giovanna’s bed, lifting the blankets and curling under them, resting her head on her best friends shoulder.

“Sorry about that.” Giovanna shifted slightly and moved to face YN, glad she had chosen to invade her bed on this side, as she didn’t need to lay on the stab wound she had received only hours before.

“I told you not to die.” YN chastised lightly, and Giovanna patted her shoulder.

“I didn’t— I just got stabbed lightly by sex on legs.” She said and YN looked at her sharply.

“Excuse me?”

And then, Giovanna launched into a story of a man-- the Winter Soldier-- dressed in all black, hair hanging around his face which was, apparently, sculpted by Hades himself.

“And the best part,” Giovanna continued, pausing for dramatic effect. “It was Bucky Barnes. The Winter Soldier is Bucky Barnes!”

YN’s heart dropped to her stomach and she could feel the blood leave her face.

“What? Steve didn’t say anything about— oh, my God.” YN whispered, and she barely had time to even worry about Steve before Giovanna made a noise in the back of her throat.

“Oh, so you saw your favourite Beefcake before your best friend?” Giovanna teased, relishing in the way YN looked as if she wished the ground would swallow her whole.

“I— you were— Tony needed to see you.” YN stuttered and Giovanna rolled her eyes, squeezing YN closer to her. God, she missed her bumbling, pining, lovestruck best friend.

“Suuuure.”

______________________________

Tags (open, send an ask): @i-am-always-famished / @filia-sapientiae / @somekryptonitewriting / @fashionlive15 / @godlymissbalor / @fanfictionjunkie1112 / @nerdy-bookworm-1998 / @songforhema / @army-crawl-andersen / @buckybarneshairpullingkink / @shynara51

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themackenzies · 5 years ago

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Thoughts on 5.01 - ‘The Fiery Cross’

WARNING: This review is mostly negative, very long, and also contains spoilers for episode 5.01 and the books Drums of Autumn and The Fiery Cross.

This episode was all just too sappy and cheesy. I didn’t really get ‘Fraser Family Feels’ or even ‘MacKenzie Family Feels’ to the extent that I thought I would, or should, considering this was a very hyped premiere episode featuring the wedding of my favorite Outlander ship! I finished rereading The Fiery Cross in January and was so excited for Season 5, but was underwhelmed with this episode. Even though I was disappointed, I will definitely be giving Season 5 another chance and plan to keep watching. (I didn’t care for the first couple of episodes of Season 4 either.)

First of all, I watched the episode with my sister and her husband. She was a show-only fan and then started reading the books, and she’s currently reading Drums of Autumn. So, she knows that I love Roger and Bree, but doesn’t really understand why...yet. (I’m hoping she falls in love with Roger like I did when I read Drums, but she’s a very busy person and doesn’t have a lot of time to read, so it will be a while before her verdict about bookRoger is in!)

Watching and discussing the show with her just makes it all the more obvious how much I mentally fill in gaps and inconsistencies in the show with my knowledge from, and love of, the books. We also rewatched the Season 4 finale right before watching the premiere - the difference in tone between the two episodes, watching them back to back, was stark. They really did a complete 180 from Season 4 in a lot of ways, which apparently worked for a lot of fans, but it did not work for me. It’s like they took all my least favorite parts of previous seasons and crammed them all into one episode and magnified them. I’m going into details under the read more about what I liked and didn’t like. But, overall, I thought this episode was fussy and boring.

Costumes and Hair

Brianna’s wedding dress was beautiful and I loved it. I’m simultaneously glad and peeved that they released all those wedding photos ahead of time. It was nice seeing all the HQ images, so we could see details of the dress (Like the tartan underskirt, which is not visible at any point in the episode!). But, at the same time, it would have been nice to be surprised. This episode was kind of boring to me, probably because I had already seen the dress and other details ahead of time. If I hadn’t, it would have been fun to notice all the details while watching the episode. Roger looked nice, but I gotta say, I really miss the beard. Rik’s face looks a little strange without it and my brother in law commented that he looked “cold” without it, haha! Rik looks great in all the season 5 promo interviews and photos with the long hair and beard. I’m hoping that he’s able to continue growing his hair out and doesn’t have to wear a wig for Season 6.

Speaking of wigs...I am so glad Jamie’s bangs are gone! Jamie looks so much better! I am finding him almost as attractive as he was in Season 1. But, I feel like Claire’s and Bree’s wigs are worse this season! Their curls are so defined and unnatural looking. And I didn’t like Claire’s elaborate hairdo for the wedding, with it all piled up on her head and all these tight curls hanging down. Claire’s wig looked much better in later scenes, like when she’s braiding it before bed, and when she’s in her surgery seeing patients the next day.

The Wedding/The Gathering

I knew going into this episode, based on promo for this season, that they would be doing some kind of wedding/gathering combo at Fraser’s Ridge. But, I felt like they did a poor job of explaining this, as well as the time jump, and setting it up for the show.

To prepare writing this review, I quickly jotted down a few notes, so I wouldn’t forget and one of my thoughts was:

Where did all these people come from? They didn’t make it clear that this was The Gathering...it seemed like everyone was there for The Wedding, and then stayed for a couple days. But, like, who are these people?

I don’t really feel like rewatching the episode, and maybe this was addressed in Claire’s voiceover at the beginning. I remember her talking about the settlers helping to build the house, but this was a lot of people...strangers. Was this an impromptu gathering? Did all these people really show up just for Roger and Bree’s wedding and then stick around? It seemed like Jamie’s decision to put on the kilt and do the fiery cross and call up the militia was a spur of the moment decision brought on by Tryon showing up at the wedding uninvited and expressing his disapproval at Jamie’s letters. But if it was spur of the moment, how did they get not one, but two, elaborate crosses built?

The wedding ceremony itself was fine, but I did miss the intimacy of the wedding in the book. Maybe intimacy isn’t the right word, because they were surrounded by a ton of strangers at the gathering. But, it felt intimate. This did not. It felt kitchy, kind of theatrical, and way too fancy!

The (Fancy) Big House

Speaking of fancy...The big house is way too grand. It feels like a completely different show, and not in a good way. Season 1 felt so down to earth and authentic and gritty. And this is just pretty for pretty’s sake. I had seen photos of the Big House in promo before this episode, and I’m probably on record in some DMs as saying that I didn’t really mind that the house was so big or grand, but actually seeing it in the episode? It irks me. The wedding was too fancy and the house was too fancy. And it struck me, as Jamie is leaving the house the next morning, and is stopped by Tryon for a convo about militia stuff, that Jamie is wearing fancy clothes. And I thought, “Book Jamie would be out there with those other settlers with his sleeves rolled up helping to build, or farm, or whatever.” It really feels like the Fraser’s won the lottery or something, because I don’t get how else they could have accumulated so much wealth in such a short period of time. There’s supposed to be this huge disparity between the way they live and the way Jocasta lives. And the only way Jocasta lives the way she does is because she owns slaves. I am just so completely irked by how opulent the Fraser lifestyle seems to be now. It’s so nonsensical that it really prevented me from enjoying the episode. Yes, it’s pretty, but pretty without reason, purpose, or sense.

L.O.V.E. and BROG

Roger is my favorite character. I love him, and am rooting for him and Brianna to be happy and together in the show. But, I think it feels a little strange to go from the drama at the end of last season to this nearly perfect couple in season 5. I was really hoping there would be some flashbacks to show their reconciliation and all that really great relationship stuff that happens with them at the end of Drums. But, I guess they really are sticking with this massive time jump. I’m happy that they’re happy. But, this wedding didn’t feel earned. It kills me to say that. I don’t think Roger needs redemption, but I do wish they had given him and Brianna a chance to hash everything out. I think the time jump does a huge disservice to these characters and their relationship, and I think the writers needed to do a lot more legwork to get Roger and Bree from where they were at the end of Season 4 to where they were in this episode. Their relationship doesn’t all of a sudden become more believable if you give them a fancy wedding.

I was looking forward to hearing Roger sing again, but I didn’t like the L.O.V.E. song. I read or heard in an interview or article at some point that a couple of the songs Rik sang for Season 5 were difficult, and out of his register. I think this was probably one of those songs. I was not impressed by Rik’s performance and I think it was an odd, cheesy song choice. I also didn’t care for the love montage during this song. It felt like something out of a completely different show. My sister didn’t like this montage either, and commented that she wished they had kept the wedding night about Roger and Bree. She also found it strange that Bree doesn’t mention to Roger what she overheard about Stephen Bonnet, and she feels it’s really hard to root for them because they’re still not communicating!

While reading the books, I always tend to chalk up this lack of communication to a combination of Bree’s private personality and a PTSD response, where she’s built up these walls and doesn’t share her feelings. And in the books, when we’re in Roger’s POV, he notices when Bree is being a bit withholding, and so the reader knows that he knows Bree isn’t doing okay. But, in the show, we don’t have any of this internal dialogue. So, it just looks like Bree is hiding things from Roger, but we don’t know why. I like the little comforting hug Roger gives Bree, I think he does notice something is off with her, but I think there needed to be some kind of dialogue here, where Roger asks what’s wrong, and he comforts her and sings to her after she’s confided in him. This is one of those moments that wouldn’t have bothered me if I had watched it by myself, because I know these characters so I know what they both must be thinking and feeling. But I can understand how a show-only watcher would be frustrated.

Blood of my Blood

I was so excited when I heard Roger doing the blood vow to Jemmy in that promo video, that I started drafting a post about how powerful this moment is in the book. I was going to pat the show writers on the back for listening to all the Roger fans who were disappointed it was left out of season 4. BUT...oh boy, this was just another disappointment. Jamie has made, like, 3 or 4 disparaging remarks about Roger in this episode. He’s the one person on Fraser’s Ridge who needs to see and hear this vow...and he’s not there. Is Roger relying on Brianna telling Jamie what he did? Or is Roger going to march up to Jamie in the next episode and tell him? Brianna has been defending Roger this whole time, she doesn’t need to see this, but Jamie does. This is yet another example of the writers shoehorning things from the books into the show in ways that lose their impact and meaning. This is supposed to be a demonstration of loyalty and love. He literally says “I claim thee as my son before all men” and yet, he does the vow in the privacy of their own cabin. Jamie is all about duty. When he makes a vow, he keeps it. Roger, completely of his own accord, is speaking Jamie’s language with this vow. This blood vow in the book is so powerful, because it’s Roger speaking directly to Jamie.

I saw Roger’s eyes shift from the baby to Jamie. Jamie stood beside Brianna with that utter stillness that so frightened me—straight and still as a stick of dynamite, with a lit match laid a hairsbreadth from the fuse.

The flame of Brianna’s head moved slightly, looking from one to the other, and I saw what she saw; the echo of Jamie’s dangerous stillness in Roger. It was both unexpected and shocking; I had never seen any resemblance between them at all—and yet at the moment they might have been day and dark, images of fire and night, each mirroring the other.

MacKenzie, I thought suddenly. Viking beasts, bloody-minded and big. And saw the third echo of that flaming heritage blaze up in Brianna’s eyes, the only thing alive in her face.

I should say something, do something, to break the awful stillness. But my mouth was dry, and there was nothing I could say in any case. Roger’s reached his hand toward Jamie, palm up, and the gesture held no hint of supplication.

“I don’t imagine it pleases you any more than it does me,” he said, in his rusty voice, “but you are my nearest kinsman. Cut me. I’ve come to swear an oath in our shared blood.”

I couldn’t tell whether Jamie hesitated or not; time seemed to have stopped, the air in the room crystallized around us. Then I watched Jamie’s dirk cut the air, honed edge draw swift across the thin, tanned wrist, and blood well red and sudden in its path.

To my surprise, Roger didn’t look at Brianna, or reach for her hand. Instead, he swiped his thumb across his bleeding wrist, and stepped close to her, eyes on the baby. She pulled back instinctively, but Jamie’s hand came down on her shoulder.

She stilled at once under its weight, at once a promise of restraint and protection, but she held the child tight, cradled against her breast. Roger knelt in front of her, and reaching out, pushed the shawl aside and smeared a broad red cross upon the downy curve of the baby’s forehead.

“You are blood of my blood,” he said softly, “and bone of my bone. I claim thee as my son before all men, from this day forever.” He looked up at Jamie, challenging. After a long moment, Jamie gave the slightest nod of acknowledgment, and stepped back, letting his hand fall from Brianna’s shoulder. — Drums of Autumn, Chapter 66, Child of My Blood

Lines that made me cringe and/or shake my head and/or roll my eyes

Please note that I haven’t rewatched the episode, and I haven’t seen the script posted online yet, so these lines have been reproduced from my memory, and may not be word-for-word accurate.

“I will always be your wee girl”

I feel like this line is infantalizing Bree and I don’t like it. I mentioned in a previous post that I don’t like when Jamie infantalizes Bree. I just don’t understand this aspect of their relationship. Maybe because it’s so different from my own relationship with my father. I feel like the show has really leaned into Bree being “Da’s little girl” more so than the books do. Brianna’s had a baby, and I feel like Jamie should be somewhat excited about Brianna being wed because he thinks she needs a husband to provide for her and Jemmy (He tries to marry her off to Young Ian in Drums!). Jamie has reservations about Roger, but not the wedding itself, and I just don’t understand Jamie being all like “Bree is growing up too fast” which feels like a very modern sentiment - wanting your kids to stay kids.

“This is maybe not the wedding you imagined as a wee girl”

This line was actually adapted from the book, but it’s Roger who says it, not Jamie. In the book it makes sense, because they’ve been living in tents at The Gathering for weeks, they’re all tired and ready to go home, it’s autumn and cold and rainy. It’s a genuinely rustic, outdoor, fireside wedding. Roger, feeling self-conscious about the fact that their wedding is not going to be a grand affair and its not going to be anything like a wedding would have been like in the 1970′s, makes the comment. It’s a great call back to their handfasting in Drums.

“Your aunt’s told Father Donahue he can hold the weddings in her tent. That’ll be a help.” “Brrrr!” Bree hunched her shoulders, shivering. “Thank goodness. It’s no day to be getting married under the greenwood tree.” A huge chestnut overhead sent down a damp shower of yellow leaves, as though in agreement. Roger looked a little uneasy. “I don’t imagine it’s quite the wedding you maybe thought of,” he said. “When ye were a wee girl.” Brianna looked up at Roger and a slow, wide smile spread across her face. “Neither was the first one,” she said. “But I liked it fine.” Roger’s complexion wasn’t given to blushing, and his ears were red with cold in any case. He opened his mouth as though to reply, caught Jamie’s gimlet eye, and shut it again, looking embarrassed but undeniably pleased.

In the show, it’s Jamie who says it. Bree is a pragmatic person who, in the books, didn’t even want Roger to get her a new ring, so this wedding doesn’t feel like something Bree would have wanted. Also, the line doesn’t make sense because the wedding in the show is FANCY. There are flower arrangements, and a wedding band, and a reverend, and a hardwood platform for the ceremony, and it’s at their home, and everyone’s decked out in their Sunday Best, and where did all those wood benches come from, and how did Claire get such expensive jewelry. This is just one of the many times where the writers shoehorn something into the show from the books in a nonsensical way.

“Like Father like Son”

I hated this line so much. I read about it in the Radio Time’s review of the episode, and was hoping I wouldn’t mind it as much in context, but I still hated it. It seriously seems like a mean tweet, and I can’t believe they had JAMMF say it, on screen, in canon. And, again, it doesn’t make sense. Because Roger hasn’t been complaining or crying or “wailing” at all in the episode. I kind of wonder if Jamie is meant to be equating Roger’s singing to “wailing”? I don’t know. Either way, it’s mean, poor writing.

A Few Favorite Moments

I’ll end on a high note and give you a few of my favorite moments from the episode.

Hands down my favorite moment in the episode was when Germain ran up to Roger, and did a little hop, and said “Congratulations Uncle Roger!” And then when he says the line about hair ticks, it cracked me up because it looks like he glances behind Rik, probably to his parents or a crew member, for the line! The kid they got to play Germain is adorable - I love his dimples! I have a feeling all the kid actors are going to be a consistent favorite for me this season.

I also really liked all the line dancing after the wedding - it felt very fun and jovial, and I liked the score playing during it.

Finally, I loved how emphatically Claire defends Roger every time Jamie made one of his snarky comments. Especially their conversation towards the beginning of the episode when Jamie says something about doubting Roger’s love for Brianna and Claire says “He’s here and he loves her.”

So that’s it. Sorry this review is so negative. I debated whether to post a review or not, but decided to go ahead and get these thoughts out there. I’m hoping for a better episode next week.

#outlander #outlander season 5 #outlander spoilers #season 5 #ep the fiery cross #episode review

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blacknovelist · 5 years ago

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Hi 👋 I love the ageswap AU it’s cute! So what’s the relationship between Mentor Shigaraki & Student All For One is like compare to canon? Sorry if this has been ask before but I’m curious to see your opinion? (Thank You For Reading.)🙏

Hi!! I’m so glad you’re enjoying Ageswap – content for the AU’s pretty inconsistent in coming around (the au itself is pretty inconsistent sometimes but shhhhh we’re just here to have a good time) but it always makes us happy, haha. This isn’t a question that’s come up, actually, tho I’m really glad u asked?? Because I only got caught back up to the manga recent-ish, so me n @guardianlioness got to hammer out a whole bunch of details on that end out while we were conferrin’ about this

hang on to ur seats folks bc im here to finish my school work and talk a lot

and i’ve just finished my school work

(also, as an aside: me and lioness always want to talk about ageswap. I don’t think i’ve deleted a single ageswap ask, they’re still here, waiting for me. they’ll happen eventually, probably, I guess, one way or another, and thank u to everyone for bein’ patient

Also also, spoilers abound bc of some names I’m dropping! If you haven’t made it through that one League of Villains arc with the Liberation Army and don’t want spoilers, this isn’t the post for you.

So in the much broader sense, we’ve at least discussed the history of One for All and All for One to some degree over here, but we’re gonna expand, add, and shift stuff around a smidge probably, in actual AU context. The important tl;dr is basically that the League is just a group that opposes the users of One for All after a vendetta when One for All first manifested, and All for One (who henceforth will be referred to as AfO, probably, because although Shigaraki’s his name it’d be confusing, I think, to just leap wholesale into that) was the child of Izuku’s as-of-yet unspoken of OfA mentor, who was assumed dead along with the rest of the mentor’s family but was instead taken in by Tomura (as we’ll be calling Mr. Shimura Tenko from here on out, to try and reduce confusion still and also bc in the beginning he didn’t have the name Shigaraki ) when Tomura lead the league to wreck OfA mentor’s shit bc he’s petty like that.

Now I don’t necessarily need to get into the big details – for the sake of brevity, I’ll make a separate post on AfO, his goals, the brother whomst he loves a lot that we’re giving him for canon parallels in spite of how much we’ve already bungled stuff up, and AfO’s relationship with Toshinori now that that’s all been hashed out – but I do want to point out that, for a time AfO was unaware that Tomura was the one who destroyed his home, only that Tomura was there and saved him and his little brother. OfA mentor hid/went underground/stopped using their family name of Shigaraki after the rest of the family died in grief, so Tomura used that to persuade AfO to not run back to his parent until AfO was swayed to his side, so to speak.

For the most part, Tomura and AfO’s relationship in Ageswap is something of a twist again on canon. See, and this is fun because we love drawing those lines between characters, Tomura (in both Ageswap and canon) is a fascinating emotional sort, both in relation to his mentor/student AfO, but ALSO to Izuku, who does studies on quirks and mumbles a lot and has incredible observational skills, whereas Toshinori is a beast of instinct and feeling, which again foils him to the far more calculating AfO and his logical student! That is to say, the parallels are criss-crossing: Toshinori could be attributed towards Tomura, where AfO could be towards Izuku. Now, obviously, it’s not a 1:1 ratio because nothing is, but it means that when we flip the dynamic we get something just as dysfunctional and unhealthy as in canon, but in a totally different way!

Tomura’s something of the Worst Mentor Slash Elder Sib Figure Ever in this world. He’s a hot mess to AfO’s young meticulousness, and through him AfO kind of. learns to live a little, so to speak. Or at least, relax and also take what he deserves w his quirk bc hey, he has the power, why not?

The general attitude we’re giving Tomura in this AU is kind of…. unnervingly touchy-feely or close physically, esp given what his quirk is. AfO isn’t quite so scared of it, because it’s Tomura, who’s a beloved teacher and friend, but it’s something of a (possibly unintentional, haven’t decided) way for Tomura to keep the League metaphorically close. Because he acts so relaxed and familial, it draws the League together and makes them less inclined to leave, later. And even if they wanted to, well… Tomura’s right there, and we all know what his quirk is. The relationships he’s fostering are just as unhealthy as in canon, just differently.

I think the dynamic might be that Tomura’s encouraging AfO to go apeshit, basically. Kind of like “you have this quirk you barely use/barely know about, and you can do all these things, so why don’t you?” ish, pushing him to overhaul a world/society that condemns his quirkless brother and keep his own power so tightly wrapped he suffers, you know? There’s a weird extra-close obviously openly familial aspect to the League, which is meant to parallel how awkward Izuku is with Toshinori and how they maintain a distance even though they also care and love each other a lot, and it has everything to do with the way Tomura acts and holds himself. Also, the League all refers to him as Tomura in private, to kind of…. sit on those close pseudofam vibes.

As for what AfO thinks of his mentor… well, AfO is the one who offered his family name “Shigaraki” for Tomura to use, a name that even Izuku hadn’t known because his own mentor never told him in their attempt to separate from their grief. So, you tell me what his thoughts might be.

#Boku no hero academia #BNHA #My Hero Academia #MHA #Ageswap AU #whiteroes1977 #BNHA Spoilers #Novelist Answers #BNHA AU #SUP FUCKERS WE'RE BACK #kind of #i only live here on weekends but my brain tends to interpret the time im at home in specific spaces as ''weekend'' so. there's the problem #anyway thank u for askin and also enjoying ageswap <3 it's such a weird indulgent au and by god it's the hill i'll die on #All for One #AfO #Shigaraki #hurgle #DON'T AT ME I KNOW I TALK ABOUT THE WEIRD EMOTION/LOGIC PARALLEL A LOT IN AGESWAP OK

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destiny-smasher · 5 years ago

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I used to be close friends with one of the composers for Steven Universe. I watched them rise from a YouTube remixer living in a cramped bedroom in a shared apartment with nothing but a mattress on the floor and a keyboard beside it to owning a house, happily married with a whole backyard garden and a cat because they found success working on one of the biggest cartoon shows I’ve known. But they broke off that friendship earlier this year and it’s made my biased love for Steven Universe become very difficult to grasp with. Understanding how and why we weren’t friends anymore was likewise difficult to grasp, even after hours of us trying to hash things out and resolve it. And while we DID resolve things amicably (I hope) and peacefully, it wasn’t until Steven Universe: The Movie that I was really able to feel like I could see the forest from the trees and ‘get’ what happened. This will be a kind of review of the movie, but mostly it became more of a personal ramble relating my real life experiences with Aivi to those of characters within SU, especially the antagonist of the Movie. This is lifted from this Twitter thread, so it was originally written stream of consciousness and I’m sharing it here to keep it more readable and archived. This is a bit of a read so tucking it behind a ‘read more.’

"You keep on turning pages for people who don't care about you And still it takes you ages to see that no one's there Everyone's gone on without you"

Time to finally talk about the #StevenUniverse Movie. Strap in 'cause this gon' get personal.

It should go without saying BUT I am gonna be talking about the movie! Dunno how in detail per se but I can't properly say what I wanna say without diving into some of the important plotty stuff. So yea.

Don't read this thread if ya don't want #spoilers #sumovie

First off, I wanna talk about what this movie does well. Going in, I had heard it was framed like a musical. And I wasn't sure how I felt about that idea, though it wasn't surprising. After all, the 'musical' style episodes tend to resonate quite a lot.

I think they work great when it's one song in a 10 minute episode, but an hour and a half of songs? I wasn't sure how well that would go. Turns out, pretty well. This is due to many factors but primarily the variety of song styles and art styles used throughout. Basically every scene has a primary song that drives it home, and basically all of them have a different genre/tone as well as visual presentation style. A lot of work went into getting it all to work together and feel cohesive. TBH for me personally the main highlight of the movie was honestly the animation. Average TV goers might just see "yup sure looks like a cartoon" but on the whole, on average, the movie is CLEARLY animated and framed with much more dynamism and detail than the majority of SU. Getting to see these characters we've gotten to know over the past few years a couple years in the future, generally at peace with things, but animated with more detail than ever, THAT is the true highlight of the film for me. Naturally, there was a lot of bits of comedy, often relying on knowledge of what the characters have been through, and I felt a lot of bittersweet smiles throughout as this felt like a good send off for Steven and his Space Moms. It managed to work in cameos from basically everyone you'd expect, some of which...didn't work out as well as others (specifically, the Diamonds bookending the movie was a bit forced and weird IMO but they ARE important to the lore even if I find them boring tbh) It was nice getting to 'catch up' with everyone, and the plot itself uses a generic 'gotta save the world again' thing (bleh) in a creative way, at least -- it all becomes an excuse to "re-live" the four primary heroes' stories through song. Cool enough. Something the movie inadvertently highlights, however, is the fact that SU as a series really started spinning its wheels a lot for its second half, in particular. Much has been said about how and why and why or not this doesn't matter, etc. etc. I was just along for the ride. I've repeatedly expressed my personal bias in the series' favor for a long time, and now? I kinda don't really have that personal bias anymore. I still love the show, I still think it's one of the best cartoons I've ever seen. But those rose-tinted glasses are off now. Taking said glasses off and actually listening to and looking up what critics of the show had to say kind of unearthed a bunch of things I had kept sweeping under the rug for the sake of personal bias/support of someone I loved and cared for a lot. We'll get back to that. I say all of this because the movie ironically failed to do much of anything NEW, something the series itself kind of struggled with for a while until it finally got around to the conclusion of Steven's story arc. The film ultimately kind of ends with "yeah Steven can change!" Which, um yea? Obviously. He's a completely different person than he was in S1. But he's kiiiiinda been the same person for....some while now. The weird irony of SU as a series is that about halfway through the narrative, the protag has essentially grown up, done. The last half or third or so of SU's narrative was basically Steven having to cheer everyone around him up and help them deal with their shit, and...kinda just going about that essentially the same way every time. The power of love, the friends we made along the way, etc. To be clear, there's nothing BAD about this, and in fact it's what sets Steven apart from most every other narrative of this type. The protag is almost always forced to change in ways they don't want, do things they don't want to do, etc. But when you put it side by side with something like Avatar or Gravity Falls, those series saw everyone growing alongside each other. There are clear arcs for everyone, almost all of which get resolved in ways fitting each character. It's imperfect but it's varied. SU has a tendency to just...hammer everyone's character flaws and arcs with ONE option: just love yourself and be nice, and everyyyyyyythinggggg 'll work out in the end! Which is fine, but when a story does it for so long, over and over, always the same, it gets a bit weird. I specifically LIKED in the film, at the end, that Steven actually does have to fight, because THAT is what Spinel needed to do. She needed to let out all of that anger, and that violence was her own way of doing it. 'you can't just sing a song to make everything go away' etc. It's typical, perhaps, for protagonists to have to tackle problems in different ways because that's LIFE. The fact is, Steven's approach will NOT save everyone. Lapis stilllll kinda stands as an example of this but an as of yet unresolved one. I liked that at the end of things, Spinel still doesn't come into the same fold as everyone else. Basically "sorry, I already fucked this up too much, I can't really deal with this," and that is IMPORTANT and I really liked it. Before really digging into the personal angle, I want to bring up how fascinating it is that the movie essentially had a real BUDGET and so they deliberately seemed to design an antagonist that would take full advantage of that animation budget. EASILY, by far, Spinel is the most interesting-to-watch antag in the whole series imo, in terms of how she moves and fights, etc. They really just wanted to flex and they did it, but like any SU antag there's (somewhat predictable) motives. This gets back at what I was saying before -- how the series spins its wheels a lot -- but Spinel's motivation/back story isssss kiiiinnndaaaa a lot like many many characters' issues and, like, I get it. We get it. Steven's Mom was Not The Best does that have to be the basis behind kinda EVERYONE who goes against Steven? Or the Gems? Lapis, Bismuth, and Peridot all offered more varied motivations, and even THEN, Bismuth was still essentially in the same boat? Anyway, I digress. I DO appreciate the way the series set up Rose as this wondrous lovely lady and has severely dissected and broken that down to the point where I really do not like Rose, in any of her ID's, as a character or a fictional person, and it did so gradually. A lot of what the movie did was kind of expected. Right? Songs, singing, check. Steven going about things the same way, check. Re-living/celebrating how far he and his moms have come, check. What I didn't expect was -- OK, well, there WAS that one fusion...which, um

But the actual thing that really latched onto me was how much I conncted with Spinel. As is the case with any story that has well presented characters, you can attach to SOME part of just about all of them. I associate most closely with Pearl overall but can relate with just about anyone prominent. I see parts of me and Jenny in Steven/Connie, in Ruby/Sapphire, in Peridot/Lapis. I see what kind of woman I might've become in Amethyst (and sometimes am). Spinel, though, is a really weird case because I see my adolescent self in her SO MUCH and yet fairly recent events in my life -- directly tied TO the show itself, mind you -- make that connection weirdly poignant and present. For some context, I used to be good friends with Aivi, one of the musicians who works on the series with their husband. Spring 2018, Aivi and I vocalized to each other that we considered one another one of the closest friends in each other's lives. We're no longer friends. To make sure this is clear, I think Aivi is a wonderful person, and our breaking apart wasn't violent or dramatic or anything, Aivi just...decided they weren't interested in the relationship anymore. And neglected to tell me this until like a year later. The context is of course not at ALL as severe or dramatic as Spinel/Pink, so please don't assume there's some one-to-one there. But OOF are there some harsh similarities and it really made Spinel's backstory sting in a very confusing way. I say 'confusing' because, as I mentioned, I see my adolescent self in Spinel. The way I was going about making friends matches her 'happy' self. The way I acted in my senior year of college matches her 'angry' self. There was no single person that created any of that, though. In high school, I was like Starfire, in college, I tried to nurture that, play to my strengths. I failed miserably. And what I feel is a big part of why is inherently tied to my transitioning (which is, still, something I feel I am failing miserably at). By the end of college I was more like Raven, and there I remained through the duration of my first long-term romance, into a very weird and atypical marriage and breakup, and then I moved to CA and started changing. Fittingly, my current self can't quite ID with any single Teen Titan. I'm not a teen anymore, after all. Throughout a lot of my friendship with Aivi, they really seemed to fixate on comparing me to Pearl. It sometimes made me uncomfortable the particular ways they did, though. I strongly identified with Pearl's flaws and strengths in personality (though we're obviously different people), and so seeing Pearl go through redemption via self-love and self-acceptance meant a lot to me. "It's Over, Isn't It?" I was IN THE ROOM listening to Aivi and their husband work on the chorus to that song. Obviously they couldn't talk about it but I knew damn well what it was about, and anticipated that piece for a long time. Now it's even more weirdly painful. I met Aivi because they made Mario arrangements they put on YouTube and they happened to live a few blocks away when I was subletting my first summer in CA. They seemed very kind and caring and eager to Be Nice and at the time I really needed that at a very vulnerable and fragile time in my life so I latched onto that. -In The Garden- The week when the LiS terfs freaked out on me and that Bad Spinel side of me lashed back, and I found myself suffering from being gaslit and facing the fact that the worst part of myself that Trigon in Raven's mind that Angry Spinel was still THERE was still ME It was too much For the first (and thankfully, only) time in my life, I experienced suicidal thoughts. And Aivi REACTED to that shit. Strongly. In a way no one ever had for me before, ever. They drove across the Bay to my house, picked me up, had me over, and helped me process it. And in the months to come, as I was healing and coming to terms with how That Worst Part of Me That I Wanted to BE RID OF was still THERE and apparently could just fucking show up, through all of that, Aivi helped me work through things, and we really bonded. In retrospect, though, it's SO damned hard for me to tell if Aivi and I became so close because of mutual respect or pity or just conditioned behavior to Be Nice and Keep Up Appearances. I dunno. What I know NOW is that apparently Cost More than I would've thought. I'm not Aivi so I don't want to really dig into 'dirt' (again, Aivi is a great person who works very hard and that's WHY their work is so good) but looking back, it's wild to see their progression into SUCCESS and fame while I just stood by, floundering The thing is, Aivi was a super busy person. We barely got to spend time together -- when we DID, it was a multi-hour affair and apart from like, Jenny, Aivi is prolly the person I've had the deepest, most vulnerable conversations with. They were next to me when I realized 'oh huh I'm maybe trans??' because they were there when I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I never ASKED them to be there, to Be So Nice and as it turns out, Being So Nice is harder than it looks. So to kind of loop this back to the movie, I wasn't some Skullgirls Peacock Cuphead grinny goof or anything like that but I AM WILLING to bet that from Aivi's POV the way Happy Spinel acts toward Steven is prolly how I felt in Aivi's life at points, at the least. The irony is that we would go weeks, months, barely interacting. But looking back, the way Aivi talked about things, the same phrase keeps dominating my mind: Aivi got bored of me. I wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. Aivi said that day in spring 2018 was like 'the climax' of our friendship, or something like that. Way they talked about it was like...the finale of a season of TV. Our character arc together was over. Even though we TALKED about it, came to mutual understandimng of The Logic behind Aivi's decision to cut ties, I don't think it ever REALLY made sense to me, how Aivi must've felt about our friendship, until Spinel. By spring of 2019, my role in Aivi's life -- from what they have told me, from what I can perceive -- was more like I existed in a separate space from the rest of their life. I was that one interesting person always waiting in The Garden for them to visit when they felt like it Because while Aivi had gotten BIG, gotten MARRIED, gotten a HOUSE, found legitimate SUCCESS in their creative field I was still poor still stuck in retail still unable to find an audience still unable to understand the pressures of Success And OOOOFFF in those last couple years, interacting became more and more strained for both of us, from opposite ends of things. Aivi had responsibilities, PEOPLE vying for their attention, people wanting to hire them, projects to complete, a house, a spouse, etc etc My life was (and kiiiinda still is?) nothing like that, and as our Mutual Creatives Struggling to MAKE THINGS and Get By transforming into Yep I Am Still Here but you are SUCCESSFUL I think that really put a lot of strain on things I never accepted until Spinel. After Aivi hit it big with SU, in particular, they gradually started...acting differently. Acting in ways that made less and less sense to me. They were a Diamond now. And I was still just what I was. When drawing comparisons to characters on the show, Aivi persistently compared me to Pearl. A fact I once took pride in. They repeatedly compared themself to Garnet. Which...always kind of didn't make sense to me. Aivi wasn't really like Garnet. They are more NOW, though? In the sense of how they act, I suppose. Specifically, one of the last things Aivi said to me was that trying to be friends with me had started feeling like Pearl trying to force Garnet to fuse with her. This was problematic because from my POV nothing of the sort was happening. All I was looking for was occasionally hanging out a few times a year. Like. Ya know. Actually a lot less than what I was looking for with basically all of my other friends. And that was still Too Much? But when I start looking at things like Pink Diamond and Spinel instead of Pearl and Garnet, somehow things make a lot more sense. I was probably too clingy, too exciteable, and what amusement or relief I could provide eventually stopped being useful. Aivi eventually didn't even want to spend time with friends to just...spend time with them. Everything had to have some kind of practical Purpose to it, it had to be contributing to a Goal. I still don't get that, tbh. But I'm also not A Diamond. I'm not Successful. The most responsibility I have right now is fucking hanging up the laundry to dry. I have college loans that have and continue to feel pointless to try and repay. I have severe dental problems I haven't been able to fix. My body fell out of shape because of retail hell, and what energy I’ve had to spare from that always ends up going into the people I love, and trying to keep Making Things. Let's not forget The Complications of coming out and wanting to transition but not possessing the resources to do so. (Aivi was actually super supportive of this btw and was the first person to make me feel comfortable wearing feminine things so yea) Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that MY LIFE is not together. My personality is? I feel like I am finally Myself in terms of mental/emotional stability. And that is largely because Jenny helped me get there. But Aivi helped a lot with that, too. But I think Aivi got to a point where Success was more of a measure of how Grown Up and Healthy one was because despite my behavior, my personality, my mood, what I was asking for, and what I was giving, all changing DRASTICALLY after being with Jenny, I think Aivi still...looked at me the way Pink Diamond looked at Spinel during that song. Like, "yeeeaaaa ok kiddo it's time for me to go now, kinda done here" This is what's so confusing about all of this metaphor/etc. I'm not...like Spinel anymore? My current, post-coming-out self doesn't really relate with Happy OR Angry Spinel. It's almost like Aivi couldn't see me for who I became, and could only see me for who I had been. And maybe that's like why Spinel can't be friends with Steven at the end. It's too painful. I used to take pride in being associated with Pearl because "I'm enough" and "being strong in the REAL way" but now it's more like "oh you just think I'm still hung up and needy and clingy?" which uh don't feel so great a comparison. I can't help but wonder if while working on the movie, Aivi saw some of themself in Pink. Because I'm not the only person who apparently wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. And I'm not saying we should've kept forcing something that wasn't working. Not at all. What we had was good for both us, but it also entailed a lot of patience on my part and effort on theirs. And unlike any of my other long term friends, I often ended up waiting weeks, months, "Happily wondering night after night, Is this how it works? Am I doing it right?"

Years and years of broken friendships, one after the other, most lasting merely 6 months, MAYBE a year at most, with a handful that have lasted since middle school (but which are so much harder to maintain) took a toll on my Adult Self until Jenny, anyway. For quite a long time - the majority of my life, currently - I assumed I just was Too Different and that was why my friendships didn't seem to last, didn't seem to extend to the depths I was looking for. That's perhaps one critical difference between Spinel and I: she's looking for FUN, for smiling faces, for attention, for creating smiles, I just want some fucking consistency. At this point, I'm not even sure WHY I still reach out to people. I don't NEED friendships in that desperate way I used to, back in the Happy/Angry Spinel times. And I've come to terms with that Other Max part of myself and integrated it, accepted it. My worst parts are still me and instead of suppressing them (often by relying on bids of deep friendship with others) I just have to let them EXIST and let them do their thing once in a while. This is ALL why Celeste hit me as hard as it did. Because even if I'm not actually much like Spinel anymore, and Aivi's not really like Pink Diamond, even if I don't actually share much in common with Madeline (other than the subtle 'I drink sometimes to deal with my problems' thing, which I don't anymore) I still comprehend and resonate so much with that concept of just needing to accept the worst parts of yourself and work with them rather than trying to keep them caged up and then they escape and rampage every 5-10 years or so and ruin your life As I felt myself coming to all of these Good Feelings I FINALLY felt like I could help Aivi in the ways they had helped me. That I finally had something to offer I didn't before. Turns out, I didn't, apparently. Aivi had More Important Things to do than visit me in The Garden. And I couldn't blame them. Not a bit. Especially if they had gotten bored of visiting me. I didn't like feeling like a burden on them, either. Can't really argue with that. During the last time we talked, Aivi didn't use the WORDS, didn't literally say them, but I finally could see it: I wasn't Useful anymore. I couldn't Understand, either, because I wasn't Successful. Our friendship was rewarding, but because it required effort. And that effort was still worth it to me, but no longer to them. I was no longer worth it. And despite that, despite starting to feel those hunches, I spent those final months -- as had been the case before, they were afraid to hurt me so avoided actually confronting the problem -- I remained "Happy to listen, Happy to stay Happily watching her drift away" I have no idea if any aspect of our friendship impacted anything Aivi had worked on creatively. TBH Aivi seemed to approach even relationships themselves with more of a logical, pragmatic style -- it was entirely unique compared to anyone I had ever connected with. But if you've read @lis-allwounds then it might not surprise you to know that a lot of what I expressed through Stella and Max, as well as Other Max and Another Stella, channels a lot of these things. I even quoted Aivi directly in the story's end (perhaps foolishly optimistic) And yes, that epilogue moment of sorts is gonna be entirely different if I ever do finish the visual novel. The fact is that we were ALWAYS very different people and our friendship was weird and complicated and hard for one or both of us throughout its, what, 8 year duration? Ironically, I think I took away the opposite 'Character Arc Lesson' they did from all this. But that's just the thing, nothing is permanent for a Human Being. We aren't Gems, we don't actually fuse, we can't just change our appearances when we feel like it, or project ourselves to look how we want to look, or exist for thousands of years. But we DO all have different needs, different ways of understanding those needs, and different ways of needing to adjust or change ourselves or our environments in order to pursue what we want to pursue with the limited time we have here. We tried, hard, and it lasted long enough. If I'm not useful, I'm not useful, I guess? I don't have any ill will toward Aivi, I loved them as a friend and I know they loved me, too, and were better at showing it than most any friends I ever have had. If I'd been better at reciprocating in ways that were actually useful, that would've been good -- but then maybe we wouldn't have become friends in the first place if I hadn't needed 'saving' in the first place, I don't fuckin' know. And I hope my saying all of these things doesn't make anyone think any less of Aivi because your relationship with them is, very likely, not at all personal like mine is. And you know as well as I do how good they are at what they do. Aivi took the time to ease me out of things. Aivi did NOT suddenly up and vanish for thousands of years. While the dynamics of the situation might bare sharp points of similarity, Aivi is not like Pink Diamond and I'm not like Spinel -- not in the present, anyway. Stories help us because they share THREADS with reality but it's always important to recognize those threads for what they are and not confuse them for ropes. And me ranting and tossing all of this out there is something part of me has wanted to do for months but needed to take the time to grieve and process and accept. And maybe it's selfish to be posting all of this, I don't know. But it helps me accept myself and them a lot more. "Finally something finally news about how the story ends" Aivi likely has brand new friends, better ones than me, and I'm willing to bet some of them worked on this movie. And it turned out pretty good, all things considered, probably in part because Aivi was able to focus on it That person I became friends with, she doesn't exist anymore. Just like how who I used to be when Aivi first me, he doesn't exist anymore, either. We both changed, and grew in opposite directions, I guess. We've found happiness and growth and relief in different ways. In the end the Movie helped me come to terms with all of this in a way Angry Spinel younger me couldn't have still hurts yo

"Isn't that lovely?

Isn't that cool?

Isn't that cruel?

And aren't I a fool

to have happily listened,

happy to stay,

happily watching her drift away"

#Steven Universe The Movie #Spinel #Personal #SU #SU Spinel

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leonawriter · 5 years ago

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Flirting With Disaster

Read it on AO3

Fandom: Bungo Stray Dogs

Characters: Atsushi, Dazai, Chuuya, others (most of the ADA).

Summary: All of the times Atsushi sees his mentor flirting with women, and the one time he did(n't mean to) with Chuuya.

...

The first time Atsushi sees Dazai flirting with someone, it's... he supposes it has to be Higuchi, in retrospect.

Dazai had complimented her, and then asked her if she wanted to die with him, and he'd thought it odd at the time, although... now that he'd known Dazai for a bit longer than that, maybe it was just Dazai being himself.

Except, even if he had been flirting with her in his own (very strange) way, he wonders if it should count. Because after all, that was when he'd bugged her, and made it so he could listen in on everything that was happening, just in case something happened - which, it had.

The next time - he wonders if he should count the fluttered eyelashes and subtle looks he shared with the ladies behind the tills, the woman at the train station before they'd settled down to wait for Naomi and Haruno, or not.

It all seemed as easy as breathing to him.

Sometimes, Atsushi was a little envious, wishing that he could have some of that confidence with people, even if he wasn't sure if he'd feel comfortable with being looked at like that by so many people.

Sometimes, he wasn't quite sure how Dazai handled the attention.

Dazai flirted with the waitress in the cafe down stairs, and it reminded Atsushi more of the way he'd seen him flirt with Higuchi, than anything else he'd witnessed.

The requests for aided suicide, as ever making Atsushi - and everyone else - uncomfortable, and only able to handle it because it was Dazai, and not anyone else, and the waitress never took them seriously either.

There was something else that felt familiar about the way Dazai had flirted with both women, though when he tried to put his finger on it, the connection flew away, like a butterfly caught in the wind.

...

"This is a formal occasion," Kunikida was saying, "and you are here as representatives of the Agency. As such, it shouldn't need to be said that everyone here should be on their best behaviour - and that includes you, Dazai!"

Dazai, who had been staring at someone as she had passed by, snapped his attention back onto Kunikida.

"But I'm always on my best behaviour, Kunikida-kun," Dazai said guilelessly, as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.

"Maybe," Kunikida said, teeth gritted, "if we could somehow get you into an actual relationship, you might stop tarnishing the Agency's good name by asking every woman you meet if she wants to commit a double suicide with you!"

Which, in retrospect, was probably not the best thing to bring up, or the right suggestion, given the way Dazai's eyes had lit up, and he had immediately started to hash out some rules for what was quickly becoming some sort of contest or game; there would be no asking anyone to commit suicide, and there would be nothing else that would cause either embarrassment or a scene, either.

Atsushi hadn't liked the look of it. He had the strong feeling that something, inevitably, was going to go wrong. Which wasn't helped by the way that Yosano and Ranpo were talking amongst themselves, with the distinct look of two people placing bets.

...

The evening started off well enough, which should have put everyone more on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but then it wasn't as though Atsushi wasn't busy himself with investigating all of the appetisers with Kyouka, and whenever she went off to go explore something else, he was trying to make himself unnoticed, in the crowds of clearly influential people.

People who... everyone else seemed to move among and rub shoulders with, with ease.

Maybe one day, he'd be like them, but, he had to admit, the closest he'd come to talking with someone as rich as some of these people looked, was probably whenever he'd been facing off against Fitzgerald, and he wasn't entirely sure that counted.

A glance told him that Dazai was sat at a table and talking to a woman with light brown hair in a blue dress, holding her hand and making her blush.

Atsushi looked away, not sure if his own red face was due to the feeling of seeing something he wasn't supposed to see, or just plain pure embarrassment.

Regardless, he got up and went back for another one of those little foreign pastries they were serving.

...

"Well?"

Kunikida, as their designated driver, as well as on his own initiative, hadn't touched any of the alcohol at all. Then again, neither had Ranpo, who'd stuck entirely to juice and fizzy soft drinks, which was... barely any different to normal, really.

Atsushi had, but only a little, and only because it was a novelty - look at this one, Dazai had said, more than once, it's sweet, and it goes well with the fish.

Dazai himself, who he'd seen drinking from time to time with... actually, Atsushi had lost count of the number of women he'd talked to, acting with each one as if he was some sort of Prince Charming, was somehow only slightly flushed.

"I found us three new cases, one new potential bodyguard detail job, and five new contacts," Dazai says, a beauteous smile on his face.

The look on Kunikida's face was one that Atsushi at the same time found hard to not laugh at, and also couldn't not sympathise with.

After all, the one time anyone didn't want Dazai to focus on work, and there he was, collecting information instead of finding himself some sort of girlfriend... not that anyone knew what sort of person would be able to not only put up with Dazai, but want to be with him like that.

Atsushi respected his mentor deeply, but even he wasn't sure of the kind of person who could not only accept Dazai for everything he was, ex-mafia and all, but also the sort of person that Dazai would even let in past his own defences, and allow to see the things that he hid from everyone, often without thinking.

...

Atsushi is talking with Kyouka at one of the tables, when they hear the commotion.

A commotion which is odd, considering that everyone who was supposed to be here, was here, and no one had spread the word around to say that anyone was coming back for any reason, which had to mean...

Something crashed, and there were raised voices, and the next thing Atsushi knows he's hearing the sound of a chair being scraped back, and then there's Dazai's back, because his mentor has started to head over to where it looks like there might be a fight about to break out.

He sees Kunikida discretely check for his notebook.

Kyouka lets her hand drop beneath the table, and Atsushi swallows, hard, because the last thing he wants right now is bloodshed, because they'd been having a good time, up until now.

The crowd parts, and at first he doesn't see - and then, he does.

A figure that strikes him as familiar, as if he's seen them before. A little on the short side, with red hair, and dressed smartly in black, but as though he'd already been somewhere before this, and Dazai was-

Dazai was touching the man's hand, and something about it reminded him of the way he'd been interacting with all of those women, except, it wasn't, because he barely seemed to be paying any attention. The touch was more unconscious than anything, in a way he hadn't seen form Dazai before.

And the man, whoever he was, wasn't shaking Dazai off.

"How did you even know about this?" he could hear Dazai saying - complaining - in that bratty way he got into when around Kunikida for too long. "You don't even have an invitation."

"Yeah? So what. Figured if they let you in, they'd let anyone in, and I'm not jus' anyone, now am I?"

"Chuuya's drunk."

Oh, thinks Atsushi, noting the way the others from their group have tensed up in just the past couple of minutes, and even more just now. So that's his name.

He's starting to think that he's definitely seen the man before, somewhere, but he still can't think how, and he knows that he's going to feel like an idiot later for it.

"Yeah? Well, look at you're, you're all... dressed up, and all, and- yuck, your breath smells of fish again. Stupid mackerel." 'Chuuya' nearly trips over his own feet, and Dazai rights him, taking it all in stride, and maybe more importantly, the other man adjusts for it, even drunk. "You smell like fish and you've got lipstick on your bandages."

Dazai takes his hands away long enough to check, Chuuya wobbles, and Dazai's there again in an instant, before Atsushi even really sees him move.

"Ah, that's it. You're sitting - we're sitting. Atsushi-kun! Chuuya's all drunk, so grab us some snacks~!"

He gets up to go, but isn't gone fast enough to miss Chuuya complain loudly that he wasn't that drunk, damn it, and this is exactly what pisses me off about you, shitty bastard.

It's a good thing he's been asked to be somewhere else for a moment, he thinks, even for just a moment. The atmosphere was starting to feel oddly claustrophobic, and as though he was interrupting something he shouldn't be seeing or hearing.

...

Half an hour passes with more of the same. Dazai is still in this Chuuya's personal space, and Chuuya is still see-sawing drunkenly between being far more familiar with Dazai than Atsushi thought anyone could be, and cussing him out in the middle of a formal party.

Somehow, Dazai doesn't seem the least bit offended, aside from the few times he says that he is, but Atsushi isn't all that sure if it's not all for show.

Chuuya reaches for a drink, and Dazai swipes it away and onto another table before he can touch it.

"It's because Chuuya's so small," Dazai says in a sing-song voice, "that Chuuya has such a low tolerance!

"I'm going to fucking kill you, I swear I'm gonna kill you," Atsushi hears Chuuya say in response to that. And maybe if he didn't have sharper hearing than most, he wouldn't have heard it at all, but he has.

"My schedule's busy for a few days," Dazai says in a noncommittal way, "you can always call to rearrange, though."

"What, and like you'd even answer the phone? Fuck you."

Atsushi shuffles a little further away, and finds himself gravitating back to Kunikida and the others. Being near Dazai was hard enough under normal circumstances, and this just made things worse.

Kunikida didn't help matters by looking like he'd just been slapped with a wet fish, all shocked and wide-eyed. Although, when he looked at the others, Kunikida seemed to be the only one reacting like this, to this extreme.

Yosano is handing money over to Ranpo, who looks smug for some reason.

"I... never really met Nakahara-san," Kyouka says, and he turns to see her sitting down with a glass of juice in both her hands. She looks up at him, unafraid. "I heard of him, back when..." When she was in the mafia, Atsushi fills in, and the rest of it begins to slot in after. The way they were so familiar with each other. Chuuya's - Nakahara's - brash attitude. The way he'd found the man's face and voice familiar. "But everything I ever heard said that he was a terrifying opponent... and someone you could trust with your life."

"Then... he's here right now, because..."

He trailed off, unable to finish the thought.

"I would say," Kyouka said, seeming to continue from where she'd left off, "if Dazai-san trusts him, then I think that we're in no danger."

Atsushi blinked, and nodded, able only to accept the high praise - of sorts - at face value, taking Kyouka's word for it.

...

"Ranpo and I actually had a bet on," Yosano confides in them later. Ranpo grinning from ear to ear as they watch Dazai disappear, half carrying the smaller Nakahara, confirms this. "See, there was another event that Ranpo had deduced was going to have mafia in attendance," she said, "and since it was hardly going to be a secret that we were going to be here..."

"We made a bet on how long it'd take for Mr. Fancy Hat to show up," Ranpo finished.

Kunikida made a strange sort of strangled noise, from where he was nursing something completely alcohol free, but that was being treated as if it wasn't.

"You... knew?"

"What? It doesn't take an ability as good as mine to figure out what's going on - Dazai shows interest in whoever's in front of his face," Ranpo said, and then paused to put a sweet in his mouth, "but he never sticks with anyone. But then any time those two get stuck in the same room, they're back at it like they aren't sure if they want to be bitter exes or if they're about to start being gross."

Come to think of it, that was what had struck him about the situation. The thing he'd not quite been able to pin down. Dazai with Nakahara had reminded him of the couples that'd been together for years, not the ones who'd only just started dating.

"But..."

"Dazai swings both ways, Kunikida," Yosano says, taking pity on the man. "It isn't really all that much of a secret."

"Well. Yes, but- him. That was-"

"Nakahara Chuuya, the gravity manipulator of the mafia... and Dazai's former partner, right?"

Ranpo snorts, and then bursts out into peals of laughter.

"Former partner? Maybe just in terms of work!"

....

AN: Inspired somewhat by the Tales/Mayoi "Looking Sharp" events, especially the (as yet unreleased in global) Dazai unit, and everyone's (JP and GL alike) reactions to Chuuya just recently.

#bungo stray dogs #bsd #bsd stuff #soukoku #Leona fic

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hungline · 5 years ago

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double the trouble

pairings: fem!vmon, side yoonjin, minor jihope and gyukook genre: fluff, double proposal au, rated pg15 warnings: trans female characters, mentioned sex work words: 2314

summary: Taehee and Namjoo are ready to get married. Yoonji and Seokjin see to it that the two like-minded individuals mean it.

Taehee doesn't usually think about this often, but Namjoo really is the most wonderful person to ever walk into her life.

To think there was a time where she actually believed that she might be into men is actually pretty laughable when you think about how gayly in love she is with Namjoo, her girlfriend of four years. Of course, Yoonji, Taehee's cousin, likes bringing up that particular phase often, but Taehee never lets it get to her.

Namjoo is the only person Taehee wants to spend the rest of her life with. It's a known fact that she's very much in love and it's also a known fact that Taehee while being able to live without Namjoo if she had to, would never willingly choose to lead a life where Namjoo isn't somehow involved with her.

Their apartment is small and they did manage to graduate early from uni, but Taehee's art degree doesn't really roll in the bank. Namjoo gets paid decently with her editing job, but it's not a groundbreaking amount of money either.

Taehee wants to be able to splurge on the one thing she's always wanted to get for Namjoo: a ring.

But not just any ring. Taehee wants to buy the most beautiful ring on this planet, she wants Namjoo to proudly show off her ring as she tells the entire world about the breathtaking manner in which Taehee proposed to her.

An engagement ring. It's all Taehee wants to get. Definitely not something she absolutely needs, but she does want to show Namjoo how she's willing to pay an arm and a leg just to give Namjoo the nice things that Taehee thinks she deserves.

Taehee loves Namjoo. There's no doubt about that.

Namjoo likes playing it safe. But Taehee, she's far from the type of person most people would expect Namjoo to be with.

And Namjoo doesn't mind that fact because she's very happy with Taehee and she's very happy being in love with Taehee as well.

What others have to say about their relationship doesn't matter one bit to her.

Even if Seokjin likes to yap her ear off with his gossip and talk of his job as a camboy while somehow still bringing up the fact that Namjoo and Taehee's relationship is unexpected, Namjoo still doesn't care for what others may say.

Anyways, it's not like it was Namjoo's fault when Seokjin introduced her to his girlfriend, Yoonji, who then introduced her to her cousin, Taehee. If anything, it's Seokjin's fault and Namjoo, while sometimes irritated with her childhood friend, is really grateful for that fact as well.

Being with Taehee for four years has changed Namjoo a lot. She no longer remains soft-spoken and she always makes a point of saying what she needs to say in the moment. Of course, Taehee has changed as well and Namjoo isn't afraid of coming home to find Taehee surrounded by thirty stray dogs anymore. The fact is that Namjoo loves Taehee. She loves her enough to give her what she knows Taehee wants above all else.

To get married.

Namjoo has never really agreed with the basis of marriage to begin with and she knows that Taehee would never hold this over her head, but if this is something that'll make her girlfriend happy, then Namjoo will do it. For her. For her love for Taehee that will always mean more than a piece of paper that gives them a bounty of tax benefits.

She's ready to take that step only because she'll be taking it with Taehee, her true soulmate, partner, and lover.

"Namjoo won't probably like something flashy, Tae," Seokjin murmurs beside her as she peruses through ring display cases.

"Oh, yeah? How are you so sure about that?" Taehee asks, squinting as she hovers over a ring with four diamonds centered around the diamond in the middle.

Seokjin scoffs beside her, running a hand through his hair as he leans over the case beside Taehee. "I don't know. You're the one who begged me to come and help you pick a ring out for Namjoo. So you tell me."

Taehee groans, dropping her head on the display case. "Ugh! I hate it when you use my own actions against me."

"It's not my fault you're so erratic-brained."

"Yeah, well it could be! How do I know you're not some mad scientist who's messing with my brain every time we meet up?"

Seokjin laughs, the windshield wiper sound making Taehee wince as she stands upright once more. "I'm no mad scientist. Just a simple camboy that makes a lot of bank, thank you very much. Science was my worst subject back in school."

Taehee laughs humorlessly, shaking her head while she moves on to the next display case. "Yes, I know. You never fail to remind me of your profession."

"It's habit by this point," Seokjin replies with a shrug. "Anyway, I think Namjoo will like something simple. You're looking at rings that are too flashy for Namjoo's tastes. It's like you're looking for a ring for yourself."

"I want to get something that the both of us will like. I mean, I want Namjoo to know that when she wears the ring, it's really going to be us she's saying yes to. I want her to want that just as much as I do," Taehee says, peering at another ring before moving on to the next display case. "Oh!"

Seokjin looks over her shoulder and searches the rings set out, looking for the one that made Taehee pause. He finds it eventually, eyes lighting up with quiet joy at the simplistic but extravagant beauty of it all. Even if Taehee hasn't pointed it out yet, Seokjin knows that this is the ring.

One diamond in the center, not too big or too small, surrounded by tiny rubies and a thick gold band to support it. The option to engrave the band is really what pulls it all together. And it's not too expensive either. Taehee and Namjoo could very well afford two of these rings.

And Seokjin snaps a photo of it as quick as lightning, sending it to Yoonji before he slips his phone back into his pocket and waits for Taehee to finally speak.

"That one," Taehee whispers, her eyes blown wide in wonder. "That's the one."

Her index finger is pointed right at the ring that Seokjin knew had blown her mind away and Seokjin hums a positive, smiling wide. Taehee doesn't say anything more, just continues to stare and Seokjin takes this opportunity to find a salesperson and ask them if they have another ring exactly like it.

"It's ugly, Namjoo," Yoonji says with a roll of her eyes, looking bored out of her mind while Namjoo carefully leans over a glass display of rings later that day.

"I think it's cute," Namjoo mumbles, her lips pursed into a pout that Yoonji can definitely see Taehee squealing over.

"Yes, and while Taehee would love anything that you wanted to give her, trust me when I say that this ring looks like it's for you instead of her."

Namjoo's pout only grows then and Yoonji knows she should probably tone it down a little, but this is how she's always been like and Namjoo should be used to that already. So Yoonji sighs instead and nudges Namjoo along to the next display case, doing her best to not make it seem so harsh. Namjoo goes reluctantly, unsure whether to take Yoonji's blunt words to heart or not.

"So, are you trying to get a ring that you like or are you trying to get a ring that Taehee will like. I thought the whole reason that you were proposing was because Taehee wants to get married?" Yoonji asks conversationally, her cat-like eyes pinned to the rings laid out in the lit up display cases as she feigns disinterest. "I mean, isn't that why you asked me to come instead of Seokjin? Because I know Taehee better."

Namjoo bites her lip and fiddles with the sleeve of her cardigan, not meeting Yoonji's gaze as they move on to the next display case when none of the rings catch her attention. "Well...I'm not really a big fan of marriage and all that, but I know Taehee is and getting married is a pretty small price to pay when I think about how my life was before I met Taehee. So, I mean. Yeah, it's mainly for her, but I don't want her to think I just chose the first ring I saw. I want Taehee to know that I love her enough to set the whole I-don't-really-like-marriage thing aside, you know?"

Yoonji blinks, looking up to meet Namjoo's nervous gaze. "No. I don't know. Seokjin and I have never had talks like that and I didn't know you didn't believe in marriage. Are you sure Taehee knows about the way you feel?"

Because she's sure as hell positive about you saying yes, is what Yoonji thinks to herself in her head when Namjoo smiles bashfully at her in response.

"She does, but she's also really sure that she's the exception to my I'm-never-getting-married thing," Namjoo chuckles to herself. "And, wouldn't you know it? She was right."

Yoonji shakes her head, already used to her erratic cousin and sighs, pulling her phone out and discreetly angling the screen away from Namjoo so she can check the picture again.

A large diamond in the center, baby rubies, gold band. That has got to be the same ring in the next display case. If it's not, Yoonji's going to berate Seokjin for their plan going terribly wrong.

Namjoo walks along and passes by the next display case, to Yoonji's horror, and then doubles back almost as soon as she has, to Yoonji's relief. She leans down, her nose almost touching the display case and Yoonji is more than relieved when she spies the ring that has transfixed the usual reserved Namjoo.

"This one," Namjoo says, her nose still plastered to the glass as she uses her finger to point. "This is the one."

Yoonji leans over her and examines the ring as closely as she can before she smiles and pats Namjoo on the back. "Yeah, it definitely is."

While Namjoo is hashing out the details with a salesperson, Yoonji shoots Seokjin a text saying: plan was a success. told you i'm a genius.

Taehee blinks, unsure of what exactly is going on. Namjoo blinks up at her sweetly, on one knee as she holds up the ring Taehee bought for Namjoo.

"Oh my god," Taehee says in a rush of air, hand digging through her back pocket.

"I know," Namjoo says with a wide grin, holding the box up even higher, but Taehee only shakes her head, finally pulling the ring box out of her pocket.

"No, Namjoo. I mean, oh my fucking god I was going to propose to you with that ring," Taehee gushes, going down on one knee as well while she flicks open the box and holds it out to Namjoo. "See?"

"Oh my god," Namjoo echoes, her eyes wide as she looks between their proffered rings. "We've been duped."

Taehee nods, her bangs flopping into her face. "By my own cousin."

"We have to get them back. We have to, Tae."

"Of course! It's like a given by this point," Taehee chuckles and then she grows quiet, her eyes blowing up to ridiculous proportions again. "Oh my god, Namjoo. Baby, us lesbians really are powerful."

Namjoo giggles, letting her other knee drop so she now looks like she's praying. "I mean, I know we are, but why do you say that?"

Taehee leans into Namjoo and settles herself into her girlfriend's chest in a more comfortable position than before. "Double proposal. We really have to be soulmates if we thought of doing it at the exact. same. time."

"Oh my god, you're right."

"When am I ever wrong?"

"Well," Namjoo begins and then laughs as Taehee presses a hand to her mouth and shushes her.

Taehee laughs then too, leaning further into Namjoo while she holds their rings up, side-by-side. "So. We're getting married then?"

"Yeah, I mean, of course," Namjoo rushes to reply, nuzzling her chin into Taehee's hair. "Really no doubt about it."

Taehee smiles, propping her head up to watch Namjoo. "Good."

Namjoo smiles as well, dipping down until their lips are a hair's breadth apart. "Good."

"What do you mean you're already married?" Taehee asks with arms hung loosely at her sides in shock.

Yoonji shrugs, her usual bored expression never faltering. "Yeah. For like two years already. You and Namjoo were still in school so we had Hobi and Minnie be our witnesses."

"You asked them to be your witnesses? Am I not your cousin?" Taehee shouts, hands in the air now and Namjoo lays a hand on her back, silently telling her fiance to tone it down.

"Yeah," Seokjin laughs, his face turning red rapidly as he does. "Gguk was even there, with Mingyu. They came for the food."

"Oh my god, I hate you," Taehee yells, stomping her foot dramatically before she turns on her heel and walks out.

Namjoo smiles after her, turning back to nod at the married couple in front of her. "Besides the matching rings and not inviting us to your wedding, thanks."

Yoonji nods, offering the semblance of a smile in return. "Hope you guys are happy together. Don't make us regret it."

"We won't," Namjoo shakes her head, waving before she too turns to leave, taking Taehee's hand once she's out on the porch and leads her soulmate to the car, feeling as if she's walking on air as Taehee settles into the driver's seat and turns immediately to crash her lips onto Namjoo's.

#vmon #taejoon #thekimlinenet #btswritingcafe #btswriterscollective #kwritersworldnet #btsguild #betareadernet #bts #fluff #p:namjoon/taehyung #f:dtt #m: fic

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akaanonymouth · 6 years ago

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How do you think Fleur will factor in Wednesday’s episode? Holby have bought a lesbian back, one who had very little contact with Serena, for a specific reason. I’m timidly thinking that she will cause even more fracture for Berena. Bernie the jealous pup will see Serena + someone who works at the same hospital as the sort of relationship Serena ‘needs’. Perhaps Serena will think to herself “wow, a woman on my doorstep wanting me” is this long distance truly worth it? Your thoughts please :) x

First off, I am so sorry it’s taken me like a week to reply! But here we go, ready for tomorrow!Also, I’m not entirely sure that I can answer this with any sort of comprehension, but I’ll try (@ktlsyrtis has had some p good asks and given some awesome detailed answers, too, so I’d def check them out (I mean, you probs already have, I’m late to the party, and I’ve been trying to put together some sort of coherency to my thoughts since I first read your ask, but I don’t think it’s going well, so sorry for the ramble….Anyhoo!)Fleur is there as the catalyst for a Serious Talk, and hashing things out. I think that 95% of the tension we see in Bernie caused by Fleur’s attention on Serena is shown in the clip. Historically, Fleur has always flirted shamelessly with Serena, regardless of whether either was in a relationship or not. Fleur is just being Fleur, granted with probably a bit more relish than usual, having finally realised that Serena’s “on side” and being in the presence of the one who managed it, but Serena has never been reciprocal. And I don’t think “yeah, but now that Serena knows she’s bi, Fleur might have a chance” factors, because with Bernie, Serena didn’t know she was bi, and she spent practically every interaction with Bernie for months trying to be her friend and getting her to go for drinks etc. on a level she just never did with Fleur. (Let’s ignore the fact that this is down to writers, and pretend we’re just going with an analysis of canon characters (I’m really trying to distinguish from fanon, but it’s hard haha!)

Bernie gets covetous, or hurt, or confused, sure, because it seems as though during the amount of time they’ve spent apart (which, let’s not forget, is actually more than the time they’ve spent in an established relationship, happy, before seven shades of shit hit the fan) they haven’t actually managed a lot of deep and meaningfuls, where one isn’t wary of hurting the other. I think they’ve been treading so softly around each other, with declarations of love, sure, but no heart to hearts, on a face to face level that is so essential to establishing…well… mostly everything…. that the physical distance is now mirrored by the emotional one, because neither are sure where the other is coming from.

If anything were to ever happen between Fleur and Serena (and I wouldn’t discount it, because it is a drama and God forbid we should be content with an episode just watching our faves dance around the kitchen cooking and playing cards against humanity) I think it would be a massively drunken mistake, like maybe something along the lines of the rebound-Robbie debacle, where Serena knows at the time and immediately that it is Not Good, and that the only person she wants is Bernie it’s just that Bernie isn’t there, and Serena feels lost, and there would be regret and angst.BUT, personally I can’t see Serena doing this, no matter how drunk or angry she gets. She looks at Bernie like…. Oh, like she thawed the Ice Age, and no amount of Shiraz could quell that. And if it did, she’d be the first to break her heart. (At most, if Fleur sticks around, I think drunken snog. But I’m sceptical tbh. bc I just don’t think Fleur is, ever has been, or will be, on Serena’s Attracted To list. If, under duress, and some Shiraz, when they’re joking about it all later, Bernie says “Yeah, but… the Other List?” and Serena’s face scrunches as she thinks, then they both snort, then they’re both happy and content with that).I do agree that Serena questions the long distance thing on a regular basis. And I see both sides of their hurt/ anger/ animosity, because they’ve both made requests, promises and decisions that are massively affected by circumstance, and now circumstances have changed, but they haven’t yet been able to look each other in the eyes and talk.

I would love it if we could see that play out in the entirety that they (and we!) need tomorrow, outside of the confines of the hospital, but realistically, it’s probs not what we’re gonna get, esp seeing as most of the show’s relationships are depicted 90% of the time within some part of the hospital. Tis a shame they couldn’t have Berena’d it up a bit more, and at least taken them home for their chat, but there we are.

In conclusion, I do not think Fleur is An Issue, I think the ending may very well be an open one - as in “we’ll see how it goes” or “You be happy” or something generic, but they’ll have come to a mutual decision, and be as content with it as they can be, and still very, very much in love.

And I hope the last clip we see of them is them going home to make love in Serena’s bedroom, with a breeze coming through the open window, their bodies moving together in the soft glow of the street lamp, hands in each other’s hair, lips barely ghosting as they smile…. You get the drift!

#berena #good lord this is such a chaotic answer sorry #answers #serena campbell #bernie wolfe #fleur fanshawe #holby city

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ayearofpike · 6 years ago

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The Lost Mind

Pocket Books, 1995 213 pages, 16 chapters + epilogue ISBN 0-671-87269-9 LOC: PS3566.I486 L6 1995 OCLC: 32826282 Released August 1, 1995 (per B&N)

A girl is dead in the woods. Unfortunately, the person who finds her is no help, because not only does she not know where she is or how to find help, but she also doesn’t know anything about herself. All she knows, instinctively, is that she shouldn’t let on where she was or that she found the body first, at least not until she can learn some more about what happened and how they both ended up where they did.

I was really looking forward to this reread, and I’m disappointed that it sort of falls flat. Pike does that thing where he perfectly captures the tone I want — the sinister anxiety of not knowing, the ultimate unreliable narrator who doesn’t even know her family, let alone what happened to have her wake up next to a murdered girl — but in the end doesn’t give enough details to satisfy the plot resolution. And honestly, I’m kind of torn about it. Part of what makes entertainment “good” for me is how much I am trusted to put together the pieces and figure things out over the course of the story. But it shouldn’t be on me to CREATE a major piece that fits into the hole in the puzzle.

It seems a little bit like a wasted opportunity, to be honest. This book is not only shorter than a lot of what he’s written so far, but I could swear that the type size is larger too. There was room to put in some of the things that I thought were missing, but I guess he just didn’t think of them as needing to be included. But I’m ripping this story down before I’ve actually recapped anything, and I need to do that to get there. (On the upside, they’ve gotten rid of the die-cut covers that shred on your bookshelf.)

We start, as mentioned in the woods. Our main character awakes as though from the dead, unusually cold and covered in blood, though she’s not seriously cut anywhere. The blood, it seems comes from the blonde girl lying nearby, who has been stabbed multiple times in the chest. And the knife that probably did it is within arm’s reach. As our protagonist racks her brain trying to think of where she was or what she did the night before, she comes to an unsettling realization: she can’t remember anything. And by “anything,” we mean

where she is

who she is

where she lives

where she comes from

NOTHING.

All she’s sure of is that she didn’t kill this girl, but that if she tries to report anything she’s the immediate and only suspect. And going to jail is worse than having no memory or personality. (Except she does, as we’ll see, which ... we’ll get there.) So she pockets the knife and blunders her way out of the woods, where she finds a car. The key is in her pocket, and there’s a clean sweat suit in the trunk. But she’s not ready to admit culpability in the blonde’s killing — she just wants to stay clear. She rinses off as much blood as she can in a pond before changing and climbing into the car, where she finds a purse with her ID. Apparently she’s Jennifer Hobbs from Carlsrue, Oregon, but none of this rings a bell or turns on any lights. All she can do is drive, toward the hint of lights in the distance that she thinks may be her town.

You might be thinking there’s a first suspicious plot question here. Why wouldn’t she drive AWAY from the town if she didn’t know anybody or anything, rather than putting herself at risk of implication in the death? I didn’t actually have a problem with this. Obviously it was a huge shock to wake up with no memories, and it makes sense to me that she wants to try to find them again, maybe through immersion in where she’s from.

So Jen calls home and talks to her mom, who wants to know if she’s with Crystal. She assuages her mom’s worries, sort of, but doesn’t go straight home because she doesn’t want to be questioned about her change of clothes. Instead, she gets a snack at Denny’s, where they ask why she’s out so late without Crystal, then finds a trash bin behind a store to dump off her bloody clothes. By the time she gets home, her mom is asleep, but she doesn’t know which room is hers and accidentally wakes her little brother, who insists they share a donut and talk about stuff that Jen doesn’t remember or understand.

Jen quickly falls asleep after this and dreams of a fortune teller near a wide river, who she torments with a sharp knife after smoking a powerful drug that dissociates her from her body. She is woken by her mom at the door, who asks if she’ll drive her little brother to school. Another slip: Mom refers to the kid by his name, but apparently Jen’s always only called him by a nickname, Gator, after his propensity to bite as a toddler. She gets him to guide her to school by letting him sit on her lap and steer, which is another weird thing for him, but hey, nine-year-old gets to drive so he’s not arguing too much.

The first person she encounters at her school is her boyfriend, a football meathead who immediately asks her for three hundred dollars. Obviously she doesn’t know why or remember agreeing to help with this, but she says that she might have an easier time finding the money if he walks her to all her classes. Only halfway through the day she has to bail because she’s learning more about Crystal, i.e. that she’s not in school and her teachers think it’s weird that Jen doesn’t know why. So she goes home and finds last year’s yearbook, and learns what we already suspect: Crystal is the dead body in the woods.

This realization hits Jen like a ton of bricks. She’s crying and she’s not totally sure why, seeing as she doesn’t remember anything. When she eventually calms down and reaches for her phone, she sees that she has messages on her answering machine. Three are from Crystal’s mom, growing increasingly frantic. The fourth is Amir, who wants to talk about last night. Finally, someone who was there and can help her figure out what happened! Amir is worried that Crystal might have run away, for obvious reasons. When Jen doesn’t get it, he says it’s because Crystal found out about their affair. So now not only was she the last person to see Crystal, and the one person in the world who’s closer to her than anyone else, and she woke up next to her body and a knife, but now Jen has a motive.

She calls the police and anonymously reports the body in the woods, then hides the knife in a nearby park. Denny’s calls and wonders why she’s not at work, and then her boyfriend calls and wants to pick up his money. She puts them both off, because she knows that the police are going to be around eventually, probably sooner than later. When they show up, she realizes that telling the truth (that she doesn’t remember last night at all) isn’t going to help her stay out of jail. So she makes up a whole bunch of details that probably create a story with more holes than if she were just to say hey, we went to Crystal’s boyfriend’s house and got so drunk that I woke up at like 2 without any memory of what happened. The detective is all over her on the inconsistencies and lapses in her memory (what is Jen’s boyfriend’s last name?), and ultimately she asks him to leave. Which he does, with the warning that he’ll be back with a warrant.

Her little brother asks why she’s having trouble remembering things. She says that this has to be a secret between them, and then she goes to read her diary and try to put some pieces together. She doesn’t really like the person she’s reading about, but she does learn that her boyfriend is in major gambling debt and that Amir has only been around for two months but that he wouldn’t let Crystal introduce him to Jen for some reason. Before she can get much farther, her boyfriend shows up asking for the money. Obviously Jen has been preoccupied and doesn’t have it handy, and while she’s scrounging it up her boyfriend takes off his clothes and stretches out on her bed, thinking of either a consolatory (sorry your friend is dead) or celebratory (I can pay off my bookies) screw. As Jen no longer has the baggage of actually knowing this person that she’s apparently been dating for two years, she can send him packing without remorse.

Amir shows up almost as soon as the now-ex is gone, in tears because a) his girlfriend is dead and b) the cops came and grilled him on suspicion of her murder. He thinks he’s being unfairly targeted as a brown Muslim, which ... yeah, probably, but also he was her boyfriend and one of the last people to see her alive. But Amir’s story to the police exposes the holes in Jen’s made-up facts even worse. Plus, he told the cops how he was planning to break up with Crystal for Jen. It pretty much totally screws her, but weirdly at that moment her dream comes back to her, and she asks Amir about Egypt and drugs. He says that hashish was common, but that he never did it because of what it did to his sisters, how it put them in a vulnerable position to be murdered.

When he’s gone, Jen falls asleep again and dreams of Egypt, of an ancient graveyard dominated by a statue of three warring demons, and of the same mystic refusing to give her information about the truth of the soul, but she gets her knife out and torments her more. Again she wakes up to her mom, who is sitting on the bed this time. Her mom wants her to get a lawyer, but Jen doesn’t want to, for ... reasons. Instead, she goes to see Crystal’s parents, to sit in her room and try to understand their relationship. Crystal’s diary is sitting on the desk, and there’s a recent entry about a dream she had. About an ancient graveyard and an old witch and a sharp knife.

Next she goes to Amir’s apartment. He’s out, but she talks to the landlady, who laments the loud arguments that Amir and Crystal were having near the end and how he seemed sick but insisted on watching movies in her living room the night Crystal was killed. She lets Jen into his apartment, where sure enough she finds a hash pipe. Only there’s no way he could have done it, because he has an airtight alibi of actually being somewhere else.

Jen gets home to find the police in her house. They give her a hard time about not being there, and produce a warrant to take her clothes and her shoes from the previous night, as well as searching her room and her car. It’s not looking good for not going to jail for murder; the detective tells her that he’ll be back in the morning, probably with a warrant for her arrest. She does take a minute to enlist Gator to sneak out and steal Crystal’s diary out of her room, which he does because he hopes it’ll help her prove she didn’t kill Crystal. Comparing and cross-referencing the diaries, Jen learns that yes, Crystal and Amir were fighting but that no, she never actually slept with him. Why would Amir lie about this? What does he know?

There’s only one way Jen can think to figure this out: dream some more. In the dream, the mystic tells her about how the human soul is too grand to be born into one body. It takes three, but the three parts are never incarnated in the same place, because terrible things can happen if they all come together. The three-demon statue is symbolic of this: an explosion of uncontrollable evil. However, dream-Jen is not deterred by this. If anything, she wants to make it happen even more, to the point where she’s willing to kill the witch to stop her enforcing her considerable will and magic on her son to stop him going.

Apparently dreaming works, because Jen wakes up knowing what to do. She starts by writing a suicide note. There’s a police officer guarding her house, but she knocks him out by mixing him up a fresh thermos of coffee with a couple sleeping pills mixed in. She pockets the rest, takes the officer’s gun, and heads over to Amir’s place, where she forces him into her car at gunpoint. They drive out to a certain spot in the woods, where she makes him lie facedown on the ground while she swallows the rest of the sleeping pills. Then she ties him up and marches him to the spot where they found Crystal’s body and makes him explain.

Amir confesses that he smokes hashish to try to reach his soul, which is part of why he came to Oregon to seek out the other parts of it. He’d flipped on Crystal, going from amazing love to deepest hate (which is a sides-of-the-heart discussion that Pike’s brought up before, maybe from Hinduism) and thought maybe Jen would be his correct answer. Only when they all came into his apartment that night, the demon door opened and everyone’s souls left their bodies. Amir managed to gain control, not just of himself but of Jen’s body. He forced her to drive Crystal to the woods and murder her, all while he sat in his landlady’s living room. And then he brought his soul back to his body, but Jen’s was totally gone.

And here’s the big hole that I’m left trying to fill myself. If Jen’s soul departed when it was forced out of her body, what the hell is in there now? Like, SOMETHING is giving her emotions and desires and needs to act upon. SOMETHING is motivating her to stay out of jail, to protect her friend and her family, to try to teach her degenerate ex-boyfriend a lesson. What is it? Is it the physical memories of having spent time with these people, manifesting in her mind as a placeholder? Is it just a blank slate from nowhere? Is it part of Crystal’s soul that flew out or broke off when Jen was stabbing her to death, too traumatized to remember anything? There’s no answer, and it’s unsatisfactory. Like, if her soul is just gone, then what is driving her to keep saving her own life?

Also, without actually knowing that this was something that could work, Jen sure did take a massive risk overdosing on sleeping pills before switching bodies with Amir. She says she’s going to kill him with ultimate suffering, so he can feel a fraction of the fear that Crystal had, and she pulls out a syringe and stabs it into his neck, saying she’s about to put a bubble in his vein. This is the act that finally frightens him out of his body and forces him into hers, where he then gloats about winning and leaves her to die in Amir’s body, tied up in the woods.

What he doesn’t know is what kills him. Jen planted the knife just underground, by where she tied Amir’s body, and it’s not hard for her to dig it up and cut herself free. She is amazed to find Jen’s body in the car, a long way to make it on thirty phenobarbitol pills. She drives it home, puts the body in bed, waits for it to stop breathing, and then walks back to Amir’s apartment, sad but relieved.

The epilogue is Crystal and Jen’s joint funeral. Jen’s mom shows Amir the suicide note, which insists that she didn’t kill Crystal but that this is her only way out, and Amir suggests she should believe the note. Then he goes to find Gator, who is confused when Amir calls him by that name but then joyfully realizes that Jen perhaps didn’t die after all, that maybe she just needed to remember in a different way.

And that’s The Lost Mind! Better than a lot of stuff from this era, but still with some holes (and at least one is a monster). I don’t mind figuring some stuff out for myself, and I don’t mind an author keeping me in the dark until the appropriate moment. But eventually, they better turn on the lights, because it’s not my job to write the story, and ultimately that’s what happened here. I love the idea, and I love the tone. But who is Jennifer Hobbs? We don’t ever actually learn this, and the whole story suffers as a result.

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